#I wouldn't have considered myself an anxious child but I remember thinking that I would get in trouble if I got hurt | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

free--therapy · 1 year ago

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It's anon again!

I'm usually quick to judge myself and expect the worst but I do know I make many mistakes too especially growing up. However it's like I think that I'm the only one who does or has ever done bad things. As if no one does things as worse as I do or as I've done.

That leads to many many what ifs like if I should apologise now years later. Then my mind is like "but that's such an old thing. Most probably they wouldn't even care or don't bother." But then my mind is like "but what if they do? What if despite being a small thing, it affected them a lot?" "What should you do then?" "Shouldn't you come clear or apologize?" But the thing is, if I make a habit of doing that it'll be bad and it's not even healthy for me. Plus rationally seeing, there's a much higher chance that me telling them about it would weird them out or affect them when they were completely doing fine before that. In other words, it'll only lead to the worst for both of us involved.

Also, I tend to have this fear like "if I don't tell them then what if this thought/incident keeps popping up in my mind?" But you know, its just another what if too. Because more than the incident itself, it's all the what ifs related to it and that specific "what if it never goes away?" thought that actually bothers me. I know this because even for certain things that I did apologise for, those incidents still pop up in my mind where my mind nitpicks stuff like "you told them all that but you didn't mention this one detail. Shouldn't you mention this too now?" Something like that. So clearly it's just an anxiety triggered thing.

Especially when it comes to events from the past like mistakes or even neutral events where I did or said something, as I tend to see myself in a negative light (or at least, I see myself as someone who can be manipulative without meaning to) so I assume that when I did/said that particular thing, I must've meant it in a bad/negative way. Even if I did something as a child, and if I remember it now, I'll be like "oh I definitely must've meant it in a weird or bad way" idk why I'm like this though

I mean, I know that I tend to have this thing where I can influence or manipulate other people's opinions and my loved ones tell me they've noticed it too but they see it as a strength. But I see it as a negative point because I feel like I use it to influence others....many times I don't even mean it. But because of this I have a negative view of myself. So I assume that I mean the worst and that I seldom have good intentions.

But I know that's not true because I know I'm an overly empathetic person (which i hate- I'm an infp personality type and very similar to my mom) and I know I do good things too but I feel like I do it for selfish intentions.

For example, my parents and elder sister have been on really bad terms in recent months and don't really talk much but sometimes when they do bring up their arguments, it really really spikes my anxiety through the roof. I mean, nothing makes me more anxious than that......even my overthinking rarely gives me any physical sensations but when they start arguing, my temperature increases and breathing gets faster and just..I get very anxious.

I'm usually the mediator. So I try to explain to my parents what my elder sister thinks because usually when she starts talking she ends up fighting and yelling (she's prone to anger a lot and gets mad easily) so in her stead, I try to explain her views to my mom. I know she might understand if I explain in a calm way because I tend to influence or get others to agree or at least consider my views- that's what I mean by manipulating. And mom sometimes does understand a little bit and I usually try to ask my sister to think from their perspective as well. Of course I don't try to change her mind much but just to calm down. She always says that parents agree to let her choose her decisions only because I do half the work of getting them to understand and agree.

However, when she says that, I feel internally guilty. Because while I do want them to have a good relationship with each other but I also have other reasons like I don't like when they fight, having conflict in our home stresses me a lot and more than anything, my fear of things getting too bad and then separating for good or something. I'd hate that because I want us all to have a good relationship with each other so I try to best to explain my parents her situation and just acting as the mediator. But aren't I doing it for my own reasons? Doesn't that make me selfish? It's like all I ever do is try to get my own way with everything.

Similarly, this view I have of myself leads me to overthink a lot of my past events. Sometimes they're genuine mistakes but sometimes they're neutral events that I overthink about from all the negative angles until they start looking like a mistake or a crime or something lol

I'm thinking of trying to still love myself and accept myself more as I am though. And to not always expect the worse from me. I know I'm a nice person too and I'm very empathetic. I know I can be kind too but many times I do end up being too accommodating since I'm a people pleaser and my infp self is too idealist. Like I try to be a perfectionist or something. But I know the lengths I would go to for my loved ones and how I do small things here and there to make others feel better (though sometimes I do it even if I don't want to) so I do know I can be nice. But since I'm too emotional of a person and I notice others a lot so I unconsciously study their personalities (not in a weird way 😭) but just I tend to observe people which makes me notice when they talk or act differently to me which makes me insecure or worry about something/anything I did. I can be weird at times I guess.....like I can be teasing in a funny way (usually to cope with awkwardness lol or just for fun with people I'm comfortable with though I never take it far at all) but I don't know- I just want to re-learn to think of myself positively instead of second guessing each of my own actions or something.

I need to have my own boundaries though and uphold them and work on my self esteem. Because my self esteem usually cycles between feeling superior (I know this sounds weird and I know but right from childhood I've grown up hearing people tell me or my parents about how smart I am and stuff which did a number on my self esteem, my sister keeps saying she thinks I have a high IQ which would be nice to hear but these days it just makes me feel worse tbh) or feeling inferior or like I'm a loser. The latter is because my dad keeps saying "you had so much potential but in recent years, you've just been lazy and procrastinating and wasted all that potential" or he says "you're just lazy and don't do anything" frankly, I hate hearing that and it's one of the reasons why I became this way. Why I ended up becoming someone who stopped bothering about grades much.

I just used to get enough grades to pass and never fail in college and I did that because no matter what I did, my parents wouldn't say good things to me. Oh though in my last semester, to get back at my parents, I scored a almost perfect score just to rub it in their faces lol I can be petty like that 😭 but still my dad was like "are you lying?" And when I showed him the results he just said, "I can't believe how you managed that seeing how lazy you are" idk I wasn't even that lazy at all when I was busy with college. But then he said "he knew I always had a potential" but I hated it because he said it in a kinda mocking way so I couldn't be happy about it. I still love my parents though! It's just the way they talk to me that rubs me the wrong way and makes me feel smaller sometimes but my elder sister sometimes stands up for me!

But being a middle child (I have a younger sister too) has really got me to become the kind of child that suppresses her thoughts and feelings the most since most times, I'm the one who has to compromise. Because if my elder sister says something, I had to listen since she's older and if my younger one does something, I have to understand because I'm older and she's young. So I have to be the most understanding and be the ones who resolves their fights and does all the explaining to my parents too. And still get the most insults from both. But the up side to it is that my parents don't care as much about what I'm up to so I have the least restrictions out of us three daughters lol

Anyway, sorry for sharing all that unnecessary info 😭 I just want to say I want to learn to be kinder and more accepting of myself and my opinions or interests no matter how different/weird they may seem to the majority and just be proud of myself. Sometimes I feel like I should just become a bad bitch or something lol and be unapologetically myself but I know that's not as possible for me lol

I'm reading a book on overthinking called "Stop Overthinking: 23 Techniques to Relieve Stress, Stop Negative Spirals, Declutter Your Mind, and Focus on the Present" by Nick Trenton and it's been helpful so far!

I do still have many issues in thinking though like focusing on the worst case scenario and obsessing/worrying about it, over generalization, all or nothing thinking and many others but I'm trying to work on it again.

Though I do wanna ask, is it always the case that if something you thought you had pretty much gotten over comes back again and you end up getting stuck in overthinking about it again, does that always mean you never got over it to begin with? Or can old stuff still sometimes come up again even after you getting over it once? Because I do notice that it feels comparatively a little milder than first time.

Sorry for this mess of an ask though, I was trying to organise my thoughts in the best way possible.

Thank you for reading this, a lot! 🫶

Hey Anon

You will have to learn how to let go of these things and allowing yourself to be okay with them not knowing how you feel about the situation. No amount of guilt or shame can change what happened and like you said, they've probably forgotten or forgiven you for the situation anyways. You'll just have to keep reminding yourself of these things as the thoughts come up again. Usually when I have moments like that, I have to tell myself things like, "we already went over this, it's fine! I accept that I've done wrong, but now that I know better and I can do better."

Another thing too is that people perceive certain events a lot differently than we do. Even though we can feel like we've done something wrong, the other person probably didn't see it that same way, so there's no need to apologize.

I don't think your mediation is manipulative, that's definitely a strength, but I know it's also because it was likely a trauma response of yours from the past that you just learned to play that role because you could see how helpful it was in those tense situations. It's a good role to play though because oftentimes arguments happen because of either lack of communication and/or understanding and you happen to be the one who can look at things from both sides and find ways to show each side each perspective. But I can understand also how anxiety-inducing that can be too and why you'd feel like it's a bad thing. I don't think it's a selfish or bad thing. To me it seems like you are the peacekeeper and you love your family and don't want there to be any conflict. Unless you're expecting something in return (something that would only benefit you) when you do it, maybe that can be a little selfish. And don't get my words twisted with that either because it benefits everyone involved to have someone brave enough like you to do those things out of the goodness of your heart.

You have a good heart, anon, and I know from my personal experience how draining that can be because your love for others is so strong and so beautiful, but yet you don't believe you deserve to give it to yourself. I know how hard it is to turn it inwards, but trust me, you already know what to do, you just have to accept that you're allowed to have it too. I

It sounds like we have a lot in common anon. You definitely remind me of my younger self, even with being praised for my intelligence and good grades, and having parents that were never supportive or encouraging. Also the lazy thing/wasted potential thing too omg 😭 I've heard those words too and it breaks my heart to know others having to go through the same things I did and knowing exactly what that does to you and your mind. My mom would say such mean things to me because she believed it would "light a fire under my ass" to persevere and try harder, but literally nothing was good enough or it just discouraged me altogether. Ugh, I wish I could give you a hug

Yes and no. Like I said in one of your previous asks, sometimes the mind likes to test us to see if something still affects us or to bring up something new we haven't considered about the situation to try and bother us, or yes, something can still be unresolved. It's not always black and white though. I've had thoughts come back up and I'd be like "lol girl, we already discussed this. nice try though!" our brains are weird 😅

#ask #answered #anon #overthinking #rumination #guilt #shame

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nothing0fnothing · 1 year ago

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I wouldn't ask for help from other people even when I needed it because my parents wouldn't allow it. I knew if I did accept even the smallest bit of help from another adult I'd be punished.

To the extent that asking an adult woman family member for fashion advice had me scolded in the car for inappropriate behaviour.

I couldn't use someone else's phone if mine was dead, ask for a lift when it became obvious my parents weren't coming, stay at someone else's house when offered. To the point where I thought people offering me things were just trying to get me in trouble with my parents.

I was skeptical of everything I was offered and I made me an overall very disliked child by other adults.

I remember one occasion. sitting in the office, the lights long since switched off, alone for almost 5 hours. At about the 2 hour mark a teacher offered me a ride, a phone call home, to call himself and let them know to show up. At this point I wasn't even sure if they would. But I knew if I turned up in a teachers car, or made a call from a teachers phone I'd be in a lot more trouble than I was right now. So I declined and kept waiting.

And I think back on that and realise the point was to make me so wholly dependent on them I couldn't cope alone. The point was to make sure I felt trapped and helpless without them. Its one thing to deny your child help, support, a person to trust, but if you can program them to deny it first, that's a person you can abuse long after their 18th birthday.

I didn't really care about all that while it was happening though. I knew I couldn't ask for help, so realistically, I considered, either my parents were going to show up or they wouldn't. And as I had no control over either outcome, there was no reason to stress myself out about it. The hours ticked along and I figured worst case scenario if my parents didn't show up I'd get changed in the staff toilets, sleep in my PE uniform on the comfy seat I was sat on, be woken by the commotion as staff started coming in the morning and go to tomorrow's classes as normal.

It was rather calming actually. Sitting there in silence, reading. It was basically the first time I'd been alone, without the threat of some sociopathic parent popping up for the amusement of spiking my cortisol levels, I could remember. I was actually quietly enjoying myself and savoring the experience knowing it'd be unlikely I'd get this opportunity again in a long time.

I think when they made the drive to collect me 5 hours after they knew they were supposed to collect me, they were expecting to find me distressed, crying, anxious, not able to cope. They probably laughed between themselves about what kind of a mess they'd find me in on the drive up. But once they got there I wasn't crying or scrambling like they assumed I would be.

When I saw the family car slide into view outside of the floor to ceiling windows and immediately start blaring its horn the moment it came to a complete stop, I simply stood up, collected my things and walked to the car like they were only 15 minutes late.

Oh. They. Were. Furious.

Demanded to know what *I* was playing at as if they hadn't just found me exactly where they instructed me to wait to be collected from. Assuring me they *knew* I was up to something. Accusing me of cooking up the scheme for.. some reason they couldn't define. Telling me if I really wanted to go home I would have broken into the receptionists desk (she had gone home at around the 45 minute mark) and used the schools landline to call.

Yeah, they definitely wanted to find me curled up in tears. To rush to the car grateful they had the decency to show up.. Or for me to make the "bad" choice of accepting a phone or a ride home, giving them the perfect excuse to punish me for their behaviour.

They waited me out for 5 hours then pulled up only to realise I'd won a game I didn't even know I was playing.

Fucking awful people.

And yes when I moved out at 17 I didn't ask for help when I needed it, thought everyone offering help was doing it to catch me out and would just kind of sit and wait for problems to resolve themselves if I couldn't fix it on my own.

Did your abusive parents continually imply or say outright, that you're a burden not only on them, but also on all other people you interact with?

I had my parents warn me every time I was leaving the house that I was a nuisance and to not allow other people to 'feed me' because then I would be eating somebody else's food. There was a few times where I accepted a ride from my friend's parents, because I didn't dare to ask my own parents, and when they found out, they were outraged, furious and went on this big tirade about how I owe them gas money, how I spent resources that weren't mine, and was now in debt to those people, and they, my parents now had to go and make up for that debt (for the friend's parents, it was a 3 minute detour to pick me up, they were already driving their own kid).

I was discouraged from going anywhere because of how big of a burden I was on those people, and if I wanted to go to a friend's house, they would get mad and ask 'why do you have to go there, aren't we good enough for you', it was mind-boggling.

However it did force me, as a child, to continually believe I have to be extremely useful; at every house I went, I made a gift for them so they wouldn't be mad at me, and to pay my dues that I owe them for being at their place. I also didn't dare to ask for food or drinks anywhere because I believed that would make me a burden and put me in debt, and rides were considered basically unrepayable, and I had to depend on my parents for them, who would use them for blackmail every time. (you have to do whatever I say for 2 weeks, if you want that 15 minutes ride to the train station).

I only realized recently that they actively worked on making me feel despised and burdensome in every place I ever went, not only at my own home, and that it's the reason I never visit other people's houses anymore, and stick to myself in fear of being unwelcome.

#escape sabotage #child abuse #abusive parents #psychological abuse #emotional abuse #narcissistic parents #narcissistic family structure #traumatic childhood

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anneangel · 3 years ago

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The Quest to Erebor

Excerpts from "Unfinished Tales" under "The Quest to Erebor" where there is Gandalf's point of view on how the quest came about. Things I thought were super cool and could be in appendices in The Hobbit, summary:

1- Gandalf did not foresee anything of the things, everything happened very “by chance”, by luck, and because he “felt in his heart” that he should do this and that.

2- He knew of Sauron's return (as the Necromancer) and was worried that the West would fall into the shadows, that Sauron would attack Rivendell. He was mainly concerned that Valle and Erebor were decimated and a dragon was in power and could ally itself with the evil one for even more nefarious ends. And that the only help he could get from the north was from the Iron Hills, which was a long way off.

3- With so many worries he decided go to the Shire, which he hadn't visited in about 20 years. But on the way there, near Bree, he accidentally ran into Thorin Oakshield, in March. Thorin asked him: “I have many things to worry about, and they say you are wise and know more than most about what goes on in the world. Do you want to come to my house to listen to me and give your advice?”. And so they were, as Thorin lived northwest of the Shire in the Ered Luin.

4- On the way they both passed through the Shire, but Thorin did not like those lands because he despised the Hobbits and treated them as mere "food producers".

5- When talking to Thorin, they both had a common concern: Smaug. But Thorin was brooding over the injustices against his people and he was agitated. He wanted revenge on Smaug. Thorin “he Thought of weapons, armies and alliances when his great hammer resounded in the forge; but the armies were scattered, and the alliances were broken, and the axes of his people were few; and a great hopeless wrath burned him as he smote the red iron on the anvil.”

6- Gandalf had no dealings with dwarves, only those of good will, but he liked Durin's People. “I promised to help him if he could. I was as anxious like he as Smaug's end was, but Thorin was quickly excited about plans of battle. lost of my hope, so goed to the Shire”.

7- Gandalf was very fond of the Hobbits since the Long Winter, who Hobbits suffered a lot, but showed compassion and great courage for each other when in difficult situations and so Gandalf came to admire them. But a long time later the Hobbits settled down well and began to forget their legends and their beginnings.

8- Galdalf admits that he has always had an appreciation and affection for Bilbo since he met him as a child and during the Hobbit's youth. The last time he saw him, Bilbo had not yet reached the age of majority, he was 31 years old). "He had been in my thoughts ever since, with his eagerness and his bright eyes, his love of stories and his questions about the great world outside the Shire." And “I remember how he used to torment myself with questions, when he was young, about the Hobbits who were sometimes 'gone', as they say in the Shire. There were at least two uncles of his, on the Tûk side, who had done this…”. (Funny thing is that Bilbo barely remembered him when he met him again, really Bilbo has changed a lot, LMAO).

9- When he finally arrived in the Shire, he discovered that there was a lot of gossip about Bilbo, whose parents died early at the age of 80. Gossip like: “he is still single. He was getting a little weird already, they said, and he went out alone for days. He could be seen talking to strangers, seeking and desiring to fraternize with Elves, and even talking to Dwarves.”

10- This piqued the curiosity of Gandalf, who began to think and consider that it wouldn't be bad to join the Dwarves and the Hobbit for such a journey against Smaug after all. He looked for Bilbo, but the neighbors said that 'he had gone out and mentioned that it was new year for the Elves' and that 'with luck he would find them', and they didn't know when he would return.

11- Galdalf found it very promising, and then he made up his mind: it was April, he returned to the Ered Luin to summon Thorin and company on a mission, with the Hobbit. He chose Bilbo because of his Tuk and Baggins lineage, as well as liking the Hobbit particularly. Gandalf heard the gossip that Bilbo had not married because he preferred to be his own master and was accommodated since his parents died and he inherited the property, but Gandalf believed that Bilbo only did not relate to anyone because deep in his heart he wanted a adventure, and it was easier to disappear into the world when you weren't tied to any family and commitments. The wizard believed that Bilbo must only be waiting for the opportunity and the courage to leave Bag End for an adventure.

12- Gandalf then went to Thorin to persuade him. And he found him with some loyal relatives and friends. He told Thorin that Smaug probably still dreamed of slaying dwarves, and that a direct venture there to fight would be bad, that it was best to take a Hobbit whose dragon had never sniffed before, one who could slip in and out of the mountain unnoticed. Glóin scorned the idea and said: “One of those simpletons from the Shire? Of what use could one of them be on the face of the earth, or under it? No matter what it smells like, they would never dare to come get close within the scent of the most hairless baby dragon fresh out of the shell!”.

13- Gandalf defended the Hobbits and especially Bilbo, claiming that Bilbo was destined to meet Thorin and that he was too cunning, with skillful hands and too much courage. That Hobbits seem simple, but when they go through difficult situations they are prone to show great bravery. To which Thorin counters and says that the Hobbits are accommodating and do everything to avoid difficult or uncomfortable situations.

14- And then Gandalf said to him: “It is quite true. They are a very sensible people. But this Hobbit is quite unusual. I think he can be persuaded to get into uncomfortable situations. I believe that deep down in his heart he really wants this. Live, as he would say, an adventure.

"'Not at my expense!' replied Thorin, rising and pacing furiously to and fro."

15- Gandalf insisted a little more and talked about the skills of the Hobbits, about being very silent when moving and listening at long distances. He said they can be good professionals in situations where such attributes are required. Balín interpreted this as a 'professional treasure hunter' and enthused. And Gandalf eventually bought into the idea and emphasized that it was, and that for a good price the Hobbit would go with them.

16- Thorin's eyes sparkled with the idea of retrieving something from the mountain treasure. He would be willing to pay such a professional thief, but still did not believe that such a one was a Hobbit, saying: “But what does all this have to do with one of these villagers? They drink from earthen vessels, and cannot distinguish between a precious stone and a glass bead.”

17- Gandalf then says that Bilbo is very well off, "has ornaments of gold, eats with silver cutlery and drinks wine in elegant crystals.". To which Balin surmises that the Hobbit must have stolen it all. Gandalf is angry at the supposition, at the pride of the dwarves in thinking that only they can make precious things and if other peoples have them assumes they have had to steal. He was so angry that to make fun of the dwarves he said that Bilbo was the best of thieves.

18- Gandalf makes an omen, tells Thorin that if he takes the Hobbit he will succeed, if not he will fail. And that he will never have the help of a mage again if he chooses not to follow his advice. Furthermore, he says that as soon as Bilbo accepts the mission they must leave the place and go immediately without letting him regret and change his mind. At which Fili laughs and finds this “thief” strange. Gandalf just says that Bilbo: “he's getting rather flabby and fat. Maybe food is your main interest at the moment”, so they will have to insist.

19- When everyone met with Bilbo, on a Wednesday the 26th of April, Gandalf says that the Hobbit acted ridiculously. That it was too bad to set up the whole thing without having seen Bilbo again, for he had changed and was now settled and his desires for adventure were only distant dreams. Having said that Bilbo was a Professional Thief only made matters worse when the dwarves met him and that Thorin believed that Ganfalf was either a crazy old man or was trying to make a fool out of him, he almost walked away angrily if Gandalf hadn't given him the key and the map, which encouraged the dwarf to set out on that journey (which Gandalf took with him because he felt in his heart that he should keep the key and the map close by, and he only discovered that it was Thorin's when the Dwarf told him about his father's disappearance in Bilbo House). But the mage still had to convince him to take Bilbo.

20- Gandalf felt in his heart that if Bilbo didn't go the whole thing would go wrong. After Bilbo went to sleep, Gandalf argued all night with Thorin. And there's: “Thorin was filled with contempt and suspicion. 'He's soft,' he huffed. 'Soft as the mud of your Shire, and foolish. His mother died too soon.” Thorin begins to believe that Gandalf is crazy, but the wizard gets angry and calls him a proud and insolent dwarf. And he says: “If you disregard my advice, you will be headed for disaster. And you will no longer receive advice or help from me until the Evil one befalls you. And control your pride and your greed, or you will fall at the end of whatever path you take, however much your hands are full of gold.' At which Thorin paled and snapped at the mage not to threaten him.

21- They only decided in the morning, when Gandalf said: “I can say nothing more than this: I do not give my love nor my trust for nothing, Thorin; but I like this hobbit, and I wish him well. Treat him well and you will have my friendship until the end of your days”. And it worked because Durin's dwarves value friendship. Then Thorin says that Bilbo can go if he has the courage, but that Gandalf must go with them to help them and take care of Bilbo.

22- At the end, Gandalf says that initially the hope of defeating the dragon was slim, and that the dwarves would be happy as long as they managed to steal some gold back. Fortunately the dragon was defeated to Gandalf's surprise, and in the end Bilbo was destined to find the Ring and they were destined to reconquer the mountain, just as Gandalf was destined to make Sauron flee. But “Thorin did not live to enjoy his triumph or his treasure. Pride and greed overcame him despite my warning.” and “The world was saved because I ran into Thorin that day, was a great dwarf, despite his faults”.

Note 1: although the words "luck" and "fate" are used, perhaps the more correct terminology is "providence" (Divine).

Note 2: This is a very brief summary, there is more in “Unfinished Tales” of Tolkien.

#lord of the rings #LOTR #the hobbit #hobbit #bilbo baggins #bilbo #thorin oakenshield #thorin #gandalf #erebor #shire #bag end #thorin and company #unfinished tales #JRR Tolkien #tolkien #curiosity

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giorno-plays-piano · 4 years ago

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You were all I wanted Part 4

Pairing: mob!Peter Parker x plus-sized!Reader

Warnings: yandere, obsession, swearing, human trafficking, allusion to dubcon, minor character’s death.

Words: 3309.

Summary: You are bought by the head of Stark crime family for a kid he cares about.

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

P.S. Peter is an adult!

_____________

That night he was restless.

It had already been a month since you left the auction in Peter's car and started living in Stark's Tower. The evening when the boy shot a drug addict on the street was forever imprinted on your memory.

Apart from that, things were quite simple. Each morning you were waking up in the same bed as him, having breakfast together, and then staying alone in the room while Peter was gone to do whatever Mr. Stark wanted him to. Sometimes the kid wouldn't leave at all, sometimes he'd come late and drenched in someone else's blood. You helped him shower and clean his wounds if he had any. Well, miraculously, for the past month Peter didn't need stitches or anything of that kind. But you knew he wasn't always that lucky - his back and chest were covered in ugly scars, his wrists bore strange circular shape marks. The only reason you hadn't seen them the first night was because you were so terribly drunk.

The boy whined softly in his sleep, and you tried to shush him. Today he returned beaten up, anxious, and exhausted. He and Rhodes were hunting down someone from the gang who had gone completely mad, but Peter refused giving you any details. You suspected something really terrible had happened since the boy was hard to frighten.

And now he was crying, tossing and turning in�� bed. It was the first time you saw him like that.

"Peter, Peter wake up." You whispered, gently touching his shoulders. "Please."

It took you a few long moments before he had finally opened his eyes and stared at you, his breathing ragged, erratic.

"It's you. It's you." He mumbled, and you saw tears streaming down his face to the pillow beneath his head.

"Yes, it's me." You cooed at him and wiped the wet tracks with your hand, leaning down to kiss him in the forehead. "You're safe."

"Please, please don't go." The fear in his eyes made you stop as Peter gripped your hand in trembling his. "I'm not safe. I'm never safe."

What kind of nightmare was haunting him, making him shake so badly? He looked so scared, so vulnerable and defenseless, tearing up like a little kid. You had never thought you could pity a mobster, but you were wrong - you felt sorry for him.

Shifting on the bed that way that Peter's head came to rest against your chest, you buried your fingers in his disheveled hair and started caressing his head.

"You're safe with me, Peter." You whispered reassuringly, and he snuggled closer to you, throwing his hands against your body. "I'm staying with you. Come here, sweetheart."

He tried to nuzzle against your soft body so close as if he wanted to become a part of you quite literally. Peter let out a heavy sigh, and you felt the skin on your chest burning.

You spent a few more minutes in complete silence of the room, listening to each other's soft breathing. Although you had no intention of moving away from him, Peter clung to you as if his life depended on it. You were curious what he had seen in that nightmare of his, but you didn't say a word, knowing he needed time.

"It's so scary to be alone in the dark." Peter suddenly said, his grip in you getting a little tigther. "I need you to walk with me."

You blinked, unsure of what to say. Didn't he choose the darkness himself? Didn't he get accustomed to all the things he was doing? You remembered him killing that guy on the street without any regret. You were pretty sure Peter didn't feel anything. Were you wrong?

"If I came with you... Would you leave me there by myself after that? I'm scared of the dark, too."

He had finally let go of you upon hearing your words and gave you a bit of space, looking at your face intently.

"No, I wouldn't. I'm not Mr. Stark."

At first, you thought he was talking about Tony and his relationships with women, but then the realization hit you: Peter was referring to himself. It was him who was left alone. Despite you thinking he was very close to his patron - for God's sake, the man bought you as a present for the kid - things were rather different in reality. Maybe Mr. Stark treated Peter like a toy, too. Yes, the boy, surprisingly, had some authority in the gang as he was considered Rhodes equal, but maybe Peter didn't want that, or not only that. Maybe he wanted to be taken care of, to be shown some kindness for the things he was doing for his boss. It felt ridiculous suggesting that, but Peter's still wet face made you think that it could really be true.

"Do you know what are these?" Suddenly, the boy lifted his hand and showed you the marks on his wrist. When you squinted and shook your head, he smiled. "These are cigarette burns. I got them the first week Mr. Stark sent me to school here. I was twelve."

"Did he burn you?" Your gawked at his skin, shivers running down your spine.

"No, he didn't. The guys at school did. I hid it from Mr. Stark, but soon they crushed my head against the sink and I ran away bleeding." He chuckled at your horrified expression. "I thought Mr. Stark would come talk to the teachers or sent his guys, but instead he gave me a gun and said I had to earn my place in the gang. So I went to school with a gun in my backpack and shot one of the guys who bullied me."

You stared at him, hoping it was all about his very dark sense of humor - he had to be joking. Even though you knew what man Tony Stark was, how savage did he had to be to give a firearm to the twelve-year-old child who was bullied?

"Of course, Mr. Stark made it so the other kid was charged with the murder while I just walked away. After one month, I felt so guilty for what I've done that I attempted to end my own life by taking a whole a pack of sedatives."

When he brushed his hand against your cheek you realized you were crying at his words.

Sniffing, you brought his hand closer to you and lowered your lips to his wrist, kissing the marks on his skin. Peter's eyes went wide, but he didn't say a word at your gesture, and you touched each and every burn with your chapped lips while he watched you. Did it bring him any comfort? You hoped it did, because no words could describe how you felt once he finished talking.

No wonder you were the closest to a friend he had ever had. He wanted to have someone by his side so desperately.

"I will never do something like that to you." He whispered ever so gently, not smiling anymore. "Even if you're going to hate me or run from me... But please, please don't run. I need you. You don't understand, but I need you so much."

Slowly, you started kissing his fingers one by one, watching his eyelashes tremble. For some reason, you felt grateful for his sincerity as if it changed something. He was the only man to ever need you - and need you so desperately he was literally begging you to stay with him. It was stupid believing the one who held you captive here, but you still did.

You wanted him to need you more.

"I want to make love to you." He murmured, and one of his fingers touched your lower lip. "Can I? Please, Baby."

"What, now?" To say you were surprised would be an understatement. "But y-"

"Please." He breathed, and his finger slipped past your soft lips, forcing you to lick it, swirling it around your wet little tongue. "I wanna fuck your ass. You don't mind, do you? You took the toys so good yesterday."

You rolled you eyes at him, but obeyed, nonetheless, sucking his finger deeper into your mouth as if it were his cock. Well, you did like it when he kept playing with your ass the whole week.

"You're so good to me." His other arm was already lowering your pyjamas pants as Peter squeezed one of your buttocks, and then his fingers found your little tight hole. "I love you so much."

You grunted in response, feeling how he massaged the entrance with his fingertips, equally aroused and scared at his excitement.

_______________

One more month had passed. You were finally allowed to go out of your room all by yourself as members of the gang were assured you were completely harmless. The thought of coming back to your family had always lingered at the back of your mind, but you always pushed it away, knowing you might as well just go and shoot people you loved by yourself. Now you had seen what Mr. Stark was doing with traitors with your own eyes and you would never want to risk being in the same position.

Peter still treasured you. He had become way more creative in bed comparing with your first handful of weeks, but not that you could complain since giving you pleasure was among things he cared about the most. Besides, your relationship got even better as now he was slowly opening up to you about both his past and present. You no longer dreaded coming with him somewhere. The only thing that bothered you was a feeling that, somehow, Peter got even clingier, but you brushed it off. There could be nothing bad in his growing affection to you.

That day you were coming back from the communal kitchen - thankfully, most of the gang members didn't use it much as it was reserved for their women. The ones who came to cook there were more or less decent, so you weren't worried being close to them. Besides, the boy also gave you one of his guns. Just in case, he said.

Carefully opening the door to your room, you balanced with a heavy plate of chocolate chip cookies in the other hand and stepped inside. Instead of Peter you found Tony Stark sitting on the chair in his breathtakingly beautiful white suit. You held your breath and stilled, unsure of what to do. You had never faced Mr. Stark all by yourself. Were you even allowed to be here now? He clearly needed Peter, not you.

"I-I'm so sorry, sir, I'll return la-"

"It's quite alright, Y/N, come."

He remembered your name, really? It got you alerted.

You hesitantly closed the door, but didn't turn the key, leaving the plate on the top of the microwave standing on the side table. Did you have to offer the man your cookies? Would he be offended by that?

"I apologize, I didn't know you were coming, sir." You said softly, clenching the fabric of your simple cream-colored dress. "I'm sure Peter is going to return shortly... Um, w-would you like to have some cookies, sir?"

"Yes, please." He answered simply, and you brought him the plate immediately, feeling being something between a hostage and a servant to the crime boss. "Mm, not bad. My mother used to bake them, too."

"I'm glad you like it, sir."

You didn't know where to put yourself, knowing he watches you. Except for a chair near Peter's table and his bed there was nowhere to sit, but placing yourself on the top of the bed while there was a man in your room seemed to you absolutely indecent, so you awkwardly leaned on the wall. You prayed for Peter to come back soon, unsure of how you should behave with the most dangerous man you had ever known in the room.

He smirked at you, finally lifting his fancy sunglasses and hiding them in the pocket of his suit.

"I see you settled in nicely here. Do you enjoy living with the kid?"

You shivered, looking at his handsome face and nodding to him.

"Yes, sir, I do."

"Huh, is it Peter's gun you have there? Did he give it to you?" Tony pointed at the holster strapped to your belt - you knew it looked ridiculous, yet it was better to look ridiculous but have something to protect yourself, giving that you were living inside Stark's Tower. "Let me have a look."

"Of course, sir."

You didn't like taking the gun and giving it to the man, knowing perfectly he could shoot you right here and right now. You still remembered that perfectly innocent woman he murdered because she wanted to flee as well as all those ones he got rid of before her.

You did your best to look humble. In the end, you belonged to Peter, didn't you? He said many times that Mr. Stark wasn't taking back the gifts he'd made. If Peter was alright with you living here...

"I see he takes good care of you, dear. You look positively glowing." Tony had that odd smile on his face while looking at you.

"Yes, sir, he does. He's a very good man." You lowered your gaze to your shoes as blush spreaded across your cheeks. Although all this was definitely wrong, you still have very warm feelings towards Peter. Living with vultures for so many years, he was still able to treat someone with kindness.

You didn't see a subtle flash of anger on Tony's face, but he gathered himself rather quickly. Actually, he didn't come here for Peter. He sent him away to have a few moments with you instead.

It was true you were radiant when he was watching you from a far. What was the kid doing to keep you so happy? Did he give you pretty dresses? Jewelry? A car? Anything else? Tony made way more expensive gifts to his girls, but they were never satisfied, nonetheless. It seemed he was choosing some rotten whores over decent women over and over again despite all his efforts, but Peter got lucky with his first girl. Tony was almost ready to admit he was jealous.

So why were you special? He couldn't explain it with words, yet looking at your warm smile every time you saw Peter the man knew why his kid was so eager to return home every evening. Tony wanted to have this feeling, too.

"I could give you more than he does." The man said, and you choked on air, staring at him like a rabbit in front of a snake. "Peter's a sweet kid, but he's so inexperienced, you know. He has no clue what to do with a woman. I bet he doesn't even bring you to nice places or make you gifts, does he?"

Your heart was beating so fast you felt like it could stop any second. It wasn't good, oh shit it wasn't good for you. You had no idea how a man who was able to force the most beautiful women of the planet to attend to him could ever look at you, someone who wasn't even considered pretty by most people. Was it just because he wanted to see you suffer? Because he couldn't handle looking at a woman who was happy?

"But I already belong to Peter, sir. I am your gift to him." You smiled nervously, trying to be polite. "How do I dare to change my master?"

"Nah, the kid won't mind. I'll give him another girl, I promise." The man winked at you, and you realized he wasn't letting you go regardless of what you'd tell him.

You needed to run.

Before you reached the door he was on your back, grasping your hands in his and chuckling smugly. His other palm was already lifting the hem of your dress.

"Huh, you're not so submissive as you look. I like that." He whispered above your ear, grinding his hips against your ass.

"No, please, sir! I'm not good! I'm not good for you!"

He threw you on the bed you shared with Peter and took of his white suit jacket, watching you crawl away and smiling at your pathetic attempt to run from him. What a sweet little girl you were, he thought. You wanted to be loyal to someone like Peter when you had him offering you to take the place of his woman.

Before coming closer to bed he was taking off his pants, and you readied yourself to scream as loud as you could. Maybe Tony had your gun, but you had to do something. Maybe someone would come before the damage was done.

Who were you kidding? No one would come to protect you against the head of a crime family.

"Now be a good g-"

Before Tony finished the sentence you heard the lound crack of the door opening and then the sound of a gun. Although you intended to scream just a second ago, now you were silent, staring at the quickly growing bloodstain on his expensive white shirt. You suddenly remembered the drug dealer who died exactly like that.

Peter was standing in the doorway with his gun pointed at his own patron, and then he fired one more time. And one more. He seemed to calm down only when Tony fell on the bed, staining it's cover with his crimson blood. Once the boy looked up, you saw his hollow eyes as if he weren't even conscious.

"Peter." You muttered, your eyes full of tears. "He... Oh God."

He saved you. The boy shot that sick bastard before he could lay his dirty hands on you, but you weren't relieved. He killed Mr. Stark, the one who took him into the family and gave him roof above his head. Tony's people would tear Peter apart for his silly attempt to save you.

When he lowered his gun, you left the bed and came closer to him on shaky legs, swallowing your salty tears.

"Peter, you need to run. They'll kill you."

He reached out to your face and stroked your lower lip in awe. Apparently, he was as shocked with his own actions as you were, you thought, your eyes bleary with all those tears.

"Peter, please, you need to run. Leave me here, I'll be... a deadweight."

Before you could finish he had ushered you to come closer, pressing you against him and putting a hand on the top of your head like a parent to a crying child. His eyes were still hollow.

"Mr. Stark thought he could take whatever he wanted, but he was wrong." The boy whispered, and you cried out quietly at his words. "He thought you'd say yes, and I won't object, hahah."

"Peter, p-please. If you won't go..."

"Why should I go, Baby?" He left a tender kiss on your forehead, his tone of voice strangely calm, but frightening. "We can run Stark's family without a Stark in it, can't we, Rhodey?"

Amazed, you glanced straight ahead of you and saw heavy armed people waiting behind Peter's skinny figure. You recognized many of them as part of Peter's and Rhodes' team, but there were Tony's bodyguards and some other men you had never seen before. They stayed still, their eyes on the two of you and Stark's dead body laying on your bed. For some reason, no one aimed their guns at you. They just stood their and did nothing at all.

"No one's taking you away." Peter's voice turned sweet as he dropped his gun to the floor and his other hand rested on your back. "And I'm not going anywhere. You're my girl, Baby, and you gotta stay whatever happens."

THE END

______________

Tags: @finleyjayne @alexakeyloveloki @helenaeisenhower @villanellevi @hurricanerin @void-hoechlin @abyssaint @msruchita @opheliadawnwalker3 @ifntelyinspirit

#peter parker x reader #dark peter parker x reader #dark peter parker #peter parker #spider man #spiderman #yandere

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ripples-of-thought · 3 years ago

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Abortion in 1987

My junior year in high school I met a young man from a rival school during a New Year's Eve lock-in at a roller-skating rink. This is about what happened about 8 months later, just before my senior year.

Since I had a steady boyfriend, I started on "The Pill". My mother knew I was having sex with him and supported my decision to use birth control. At the time I was not living with her, so I went to Planned Parenthood. Although I could not have afforded them full price, PP allowed me to purchase them on a sliding scale. It worked well for months; however, as time passed I started to get a little sloppy about taking my pill on time every day. Some nights I'd forget altogether, and the next morning I'd swallow the previous night's pill with a prayer that this one time wouldn't be the one that got me pregnant. One month at the end of the summer, my period didn't show.

I was anxious about getting pregnant, so I got a home pregnancy test as soon as I was a week late. The next morning, I peed on the stick. One line was negative, two lines... yes, the two lines right there on the stick... that meant positive. I was pregnant. I told my boyfriend, the one I was "in love" with. He meant the world to me, and would be my rock. Since my menses were normally very regular, I was pretty sure there was no mistake, but before being able to do anything, I would need a doctor's confirmation anyway. Back to Planned Parenthood I went, where they were able to verify the results, again at a price even a high school student in the 'burbs could afford.

The fact that this doctor's visit, and the potentially life-changing nature of it, seemed so routine that, years after, I've nearly forgotten it, is a testament to the professionalism of the care I received at that clinic. Everything was calm that day. The anxiety of deliberation all came afterward.

I told my parents. Being a pregnant teenager is scary, but I had two parents who loved me, and a mother who told me she'd support whatever decision I made.

She very much wanted me to be able to follow my own heart and mind about this, and I admire and appreciate that. I knew the history of abortion in the USA, had seen Dirty Dancing, I knew other times and other families had provided neither the freedom nor support that mine did. I was, and am, grateful for that.

But to no fault of theirs, I was not able to freely choose what to do with my body - whether to use it to continue growing this other human, or have the procedure that would end my pregnancy. My choice was smashed to pieces by my "rock".

For, while I was weighing the options - whether my family, my education and means, had room for an infant at this time... whether I was strong enough to carry a baby to term only to give it up to an adoptive family to care for it beyond my ability... whether to terminate the pregnancy and carry on with life's plans (such as they were) as if I'd never been pregnant... my boyfriend was thinking about his future career in the military.

His only ambition his entire life was to be part of an elite military unit such as the US Special Forces (the Green Berets) or what he saw as their modern equivalent, the Airborne Infantry. He was already a career Boy Scout, and an Eagle Scout, something he took great pride in. He'd talked to recruiters and was ready to enlist as soon as he graduated. And he saw my pregnancy as a threat to that.

At least, that's what he told me. I really can't understand his reasoning now... and I'm not sure I even seriously questioned it then. When I told him that I was considering adoption instead of abortion, he refused to even consider it. He couldn't stand the thought of "his" child being "somewhere out there" ...raised by someone else. He told me that if I did not have an abortion, I would never see him again.

There's a lot of hurt behind that statement... hurt that actually has nothing to do with him. Because while he had plans for a career after high school, I did not. I had vague ideas about what I wanted to do... I wanted to be artistic. I wanted to paint and write... but beyond that... I had no idea. I certainly didn't have plans for university... I didn't have the money to pay for it myself and I didn't have the grades or extra-curricular activities to get me a scholarship.

I knew I wasn't cut out for the military. I lacked the discipline and the physical fitness for that kind of life, whatever the film STRIPES made it out to be. So that left ...what? Becoming someone's domestic help? Being a grocery checkout clerk? Becoming a ...housewife? And with graduation looming ahead, I knew my days as a carefree teen were numbered. My mother had said so, jokingly, a few years before. I took it way too literally and way too personally. Mom had quipped about my dad's brother living in his parents' house in his 30's... "When you turn 18, you're on your own, kiddo." She didn't mean it. Hell, she wasn't even really talking about me at all! It was about her ex-brother-in-law, but I didn't realize that at 14 and I didn't realize it at 17. And so it went until that day... My self-esteem defining me through my romantic partnerships, never as the hero of my own story. So when he said my pregnancy threatened his future, and said he'd walk if I didn't terminate, I saw my future, the only future I could envision, endangered. I saw this pregnancy as a threat to the marriage I expected and all the children he and I might have in the future.

When I told my mom about my decision to terminate, I didn't tell her why. She took it calmly, but told me years later that she had been hoping I would choose differently. She offered to be there for me, she paid for part of it, and my boyfriend paid the rest. She drove me there and took me home after.

The Planned Parenthood in Beaverton did not perform abortions, and they referred me to a clinic in Northwest Portland, close to downtown. I had to make one appointment for "counseling" in which I had to lie and say that nobody was forcing me to get an abortion, and then I could set the appointment for the procedure.

I suppose that, in my mind, it wasn't really a lie. If I had been a stronger personality at the time, I could have refused to abort the pregnancy and sued him for child support... I never think about this event without a list of "what-ifs" as long as my arm.

I remember it as quiet, clean, with a neutral palette. I don't remember any of the other young women. It was the most normal thing really... just a trip to the doctor... just an "outpatient procedure". The table, the stirrups, the speculum... just like any gynecological visit I'd ever been to. I didn't pay much attention to the aspirator (the machine that provides the suction) and just focused on breathing slowly and staying relaxed. I was given local anesthetic and it was over very quickly.

I remember waiting in the recovery room for my mom to take me home, and I was relieved that it was over with. I was sorry that I had felt the need to do it, and I remember even apologizing to the fetus. I had already started believing in reincarnation as a teenager, and hoped that in the future, the same spirit might grow within another body that mine would build, when I was ready to have children. This was just not that time.

What followed the next week was pretty much what I usually went through during my period. Cramps, bleeding, and then... life went on.

I do want to write about that arms-length list of "what-ifs"... but this post, this blog, is not about what could have happened. It's about what did happen. And what did happen was not nearly as traumatic as some would have you expect.

It didn't result in any more depression than I was already experiencing due to undiagnosed chronic conditions. It's far more truthful to say that my depression led to needing an abortion than that my abortion caused depression.

I was not wracked with guilt afterward... although years later when I went through a Christian conversion experience I did feel a sort of guilt about not feeling guilty...

One out of four women in the USA have an abortion at some point in their lives. The reasons they list for having one are usually complex, involving multiple facets of their life; most often some intersection of emotional and financial stability. My story is not rare. It's common. It's normal.

It's okay.

For more information about the effect of unwanted pregnancy and abortion on the women who experience it, I recommend reading The Turnaway Study.

#abortion #reproductive rights #teen pregnancy #sexuality #reproductive health #gender equality #reproductive freedom #right to life #pro life #pro choice

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yostresswritinggirl · 3 years ago

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Hello, mother! How are you? ^^ hope you are doing good! Annnddd well, you can ignore this ask if you want ^^" but I just saw the post about 'anon hate' and well, I wanted to share something...you could say? and I will keep it very short :)

Some time ago, I was 'accused' of sending anon hate. Yes, confusing. But I was literally framed. I didn't understand anything at first, but long story short, I was framed. I was very shocked, of course. But then I thought that other people would believe me, the people whom I considered 'friends' and 'acquaintances' but...no one did. I was called names, which hurt me a lot, and some people even made judgments about my personality and character. And well...my name didn't get cleared because no one believed me, and I was too heartbroken and anxious so I just left it.

Honestly, I believed that I wouldn't be the same ever again. And that scared me, a lot. Yes, I didn't do anything. But the number of people who accused me, that sort of made my mind to believe that I was the one who actually did it. So, I suffered from immense guilt and labeled myself as a 'bad person. Someone who didn't deserve any sort of happiness...so I just want to say a few things to people who have suffered from anon hate or are going through it:

Don't take their words to heart. Their words aren't true. What they say about your content, personality, or any other thing...that's all untrue. You are amazing! And they just want you to take their words to heart...just so they can have their satisfaction.

If you went through this experience or are going through it right now, then remember "whatever they said is all untrue. And even if you think that you won't recover from this experience, you will. Okay?"

I don't know where this hate comes from...but this anon hate needs to stop. I have seen so many amazing and kind people get anon hate, and it makes me very sad...

Lastly, some might think (the people who have never gotten it before) that it doesn't affect people. Well, to some, it doesn't. But sensitive people or people who get anxious in general (like me) take it very seriously. So please...don't hurt people like this.

Remember, you are all amazing, alright? ^^ *hug* what they said is untrue. You are loved, and some people are immensely happy to have you in their lives!!! ^^ people love you, alright? *hugs again*

people who send hate...I don't know what you are going through that you go and hurt people, but please don't. I just hope that you feel better :)

And I hope you have an amazing day/night, mother! 🌈

- 🐇

How in the world do they even vouch for an anonymous message???? That sounds like a really horrible experience and one of my worst fears as well, being branded as a liar and something you are not. My child :(( *hugs close* I hope that doesn't happen again and I hope that they can one day understand or be fucked over by intense karma, useless people, annoying little fukhkvfjhfg

Thank you for the PSA and notes darling, may you have an amazing day yourself too. Remember you're safe here with us <33 y-y

#🐇 anon #exile.goblet #anon hate #psa #writers of tumblr

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the-trashy-phoenix · 4 years ago

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Supernatural season 1 review (part 2)

Link to part 1:

The good thing about deciding to rewatch a show that I started five years ago is that I barely remember what happens in the first seasons. I know of course the big events, but if you asked me how each episode ends I wouldn't know how to respond, so watching it for the second time, in some ways, has been like watching it for the first time. What really changed about it is the fact that now I know what happens later in the other seasons, I know who the protagonists will become and what they will struggle with and I myself am different from the 15-year-old I was while watching it for the first time.

Five years ago I liked season 1, but I couldn't say it was one of my favourites, mostly because of the lack of interaction the two brothers have with any other important character. Yes, they have their father (who I'll talk about later) and in the last episode there's also Bobby (at that point, during the rewatch, I thought he would have never made an appearance in the first season, fortunately I was wrong), but besides them they just have each other throughout the entire season. As I rewatched it the feeling remained the same, but I think I have enjoyed this season more than I did before. Was it because I was already passionate about them? Or because I know it sets up the basics of the show and introduces some links to the next seasons? Or because, knowing already what would happen, I could focus on each episode more? One thing I noticed indeed is that these first episodes have a good storyline, besides the main one (which is not that complex if you compare it with the ones that come next): the little plots are interesting and quite original, and even if I already knew that the two boys would make it I'd still be very anxious about what would eventually happen to them. Later in the most recent seasons I couldn't get the same feeling about the episodes that revolved around a specific case, but I think the main reason why I couldn't get as involved is because the main plot becomes way more important than the single case and obviously the attention of the show is totally shifted to it (but I still think there are lots of great single episodes in the most recent seasons).

Now I feel like I need to talk about the characters. When I watched the show for the first time I didn't really love John Winchester, but now that I rewatched it, supposedly more conscious, I can't stand him. You can see he has good intentions: he loves Sam and Dean and he wants to protect them. The thing that just makes me dislike him is the fact that he does it in the wrong way. He's not a good father, even if he cares about them: who would let their children by themselves to go hunting and maybe to never come back? Who would let his oldest child become the father and mother figure for his younger brother just because they couldn't do it themselves? Who would let his child start hunting when he's too young to even hold a weapon? Who wouldn't answer the phone when they know their children might think they're dead? And who claims they want to protect their children and yet sends them on hunts? The fight he had with Sam before his son went to college seems the least disturbing thing to me.

Talking about Sam, I think he's the one I like the most in this season. First of all he doesn't give a shit about his dad's opinion and we love it, second of all he has all of the good reasons to do it: why would he listen to someone who had prioritised his desire for revenge over his love for his children? I also adore the fact that he doesn't follow his father's rules until he knows their purpose, almost as if he doesn't trust him completely, meanwhile I feel like he would follow Dean's plans more easily without questioning them. The separation from his father seems to me a good thing for Sam, since I feel like he has also detached from some of John's principles that I wouldn't agree with (I'm mostly talking about the boss-attitude he has towards the boys and the extremely masculine side he priorities for himself and for his children, but there could be other things we don't necessarily see that have shaped his most attached child's personality and prospective, just saying). Overall you can tell this first season was more focused on Sam than on Dean. He is the different brother, the rebellious one, and the one who also has psychics ability (which I totally forgot about by the way, as long with his justified obsession for Jessica's loss, which apparently is a thing that still goes on in the last season). Dean at first on the other hand could seem like the ideal child for a person like their father.

Since I've watched this show Dean has always been my favourite character. I don't really know what made me fall in love, since I usually can't stand people who have his type of personality (especially the personality he has in the first season). I think what makes me like him the most, apart from his beautiful appearance, is the fact that, while Sam's character is already exposed and has already shown a lot of depth, Dean’s one is kept somehow in the surface (probably because Sam seems the real protagonist): we see him as the classical masculine guy who just wants to go hunting, drive his car and fuck some ladies (which, I mean, isn't entirely wrong, and I think nowadays the last point, portrayed as it was in Supernatural, would be considered extremely rude and with every right to do it), but at the same time there are tiny moments when he lets us see his others sides which he tries desperately to hide deeply. And what he tries to hide the most are, of course, his feelings: his love for his brother and his family, his fear of losing the people he cares about and even his love (or deeply affection) towards Cassie (a girl I completely forgot about, again, and that I really liked, especially for the name). I feel like what sculpted Dean and made him the boy he was in the first season was mostly his father: he was the man Dean has always tried to copy and follow, and it's not surprising at all that this is who he became. He pictures himself as a soldier who has to hunt in order to please his father and as a big brother whose only purpose is to make sure his little brother is okay. Don't get me wrong, these traits are important to this character, but I think there is much more to know about him.

And this is what really intrigues me about Dean; his complexity, his contraddictions and his constant torment between what he thinks he should do and what he really wants to do. Speaking of that, I really love when, during his dad and Sam's fights, he tries to calm them down, showing his care for them, but at the end of the day he stays on Sam's side, proving he will eventually always protect him.

And that leads us to the last thing I want to talk about in this already eternal review: the two brothers. They're what carries most of the show and all of season one (because, let's be honest, when you understand their father is being a dick you stop to care about what happens to him).

I love their relationship; it's not perfect at all, especially in the first seasons. They lie to each other, they fight, they keep secrets from themselves, they prank each other (which is the best thing they do), but they love each other endlessly, and you can tell it from the start: they would do anything for the other one (that doesn't mean I ship them though) and the other's well-being is the first thing that matters to them. After all you can already tell this show is mainly about the two brothers' relationship (although I think there is also much more to look forward to).

- Carly 💚

#supernatural #spn #sam winchester #dean winchester #john winchester #sam #dean #supernatural season one #Supernatural season one review #supernatural review #spn review #destiel #i mean not really #But I still ship them #I can't wait to rewatch season four #And I can't stand Dean's obsession with girls #I totally forgot about it #I wonder why

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coconutshvings · 5 years ago

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I Have A Friend | {J.C.}

⊥Group // The Boyz

⊥ Genre // Fluff

⊥ Pairing // Ji Changmin × Reader

⊥ Warnings // None

• Requested? Yes {Requests are open}

↭ Hypothesis - Q has a mystery friend that has developed a chain of romantic feelings for you over the time but has never revealed himself to you, when will he, will he ever?

@octapichin I hope you like it 💗

Your eyes observed every word written on the neatly cut piece of construction paper, written in an ink that wasn't too dark to be unreadable on the colored paper, for 2 months now you'd been getting these beautifully written notes- loves notes on different colored construction paper in random places, your locker, car wind shield, mail, you name it.

While it was flattering you did keep alert because what if whoever this was turned out to be a complete sleeze? The only thing you knew was that this person knew you, the locations of some of these cards were places only people in your inner circle would know about which were a few friends from school, your family, also your best friend Changmin or Q as he was often called along with his friends that he'd introduced you to.

You'd left things around them before so whoever were giving you these notes had to be someone not too far out of your circle, you thought it could be a joke with the notes popping up in your notebooks or book bad, on the back of your phone if you left it somewhere but when you confronted people it they really seemed to be clueless about the ordeal.

Then you thought surely no one would keep up this joke for 2 months unless they were really heartless and sick the passion that radiated in these notes indicated someone indeed harbored a special love for you.

There were too many possibilities, suspects, notes, it was making your brain scramble. You mentally screamed placing the note down in the basket with the rest on your kitchen counter that's when you heard your front door open and close before your best friend, Changmin, smiled gleefully walking into the kitchen.

"Oh Sure Q, you can come in." You sarcastically spoke making him snicker , "Oh Sure Y/n, you can leave the door unlocked for anyone to walk in." You waved him off turning your gaze to the basket of notes from your unidentified admirer,

"The notes are still coming?"

You nodded "A new one was on my welcome mat outside today when I went to check the mail, I stepped on it." You were becoming anxious and impatient "Why can't this person just reveal themselves?" You blurted out startlingly Q once you turned to him "Probably thinks you won't give them the time of day if they do reveal who they truly are." You just huffed

"They don't know that for sure unless they actually would try to approach me." You leaned against the counter with him joining beside you , "Got any clues on who they could be from?" You shifted your weight from one leg to the other,

"I know whoever it is has been around me often because they leave notes in my personal items, they left a note at my door so they know where I live," you paused collecting mental notes you'd made about the notes

"The hand writing looks familiar I just can't remember where I've seen it. Another thing I realized about the notes..." You trailed off as you began to space out in thought over the handwriting, Q studied your eyes for a moment realizing your weren't focused , he snapped his fingers in front of your face bringing you back to the moment.

"Um oh yeah, the notes, they all start off with the lines 'I have this friend' I think the person giving me these notes are referring to themselves really are and just saying they have a 'friend' to avoid me more." Your face saddened with each word, why was this so hard to figure out, why couldn't whoever this was just come out and say they wanted you, desired your heart, just that they liked you maybe even loved, your thoughts were again becoming scrambled.

"How do you feel when you read those notes?" Q's soft voice summoned you away from your thoughts again with his question, again your eyes landed on the basket of different colored construction paper, mini love letters written on them, you had never really thought about how you might feel you were just determined to know who was sending the notes .

However, you couldn't deny that in the moments reading the 4 to 6 line love letters you did feel some kind of joy that vanished from not knowing who feelings were written on the paper, you felt excitement, your heart did unexplained things that you loved when you read the notes.

"I guess I feel.. Liked, loved even. It's to say if I had the chance to know my admirer, even if we didn't associate much, maybe we could learn to and grow closer and experience these love letters in reality." You weren't aware of the smile plastered on your face but the sound of silence brought you out of your own world and back to the real one you looked beside you and Q was gone, maybe to the bathroom? You thought.

You turned around gathering all the notes neatly stacked in a pile into your hands spreading them with your fingers at all the assorted colors, "I have this friend.." You mumbled to yourself reciting the reoccurring opening to each note you'd gotten over the past 2 months.

"I have this friend," you heard from behind you making you wirl around to see Q standing in the door way, your eyes also noticing a colored paper in his hands though your eyes were focused on his, no way.

"He'd love to know what'd make your day so that he could always ve able to bring you sunshine even when it's pouring rain out." He softly spoke, you fought back a smile and your eyes could no longer bare it so you quickly looked at his hand, a yellow piece of neatly cut construction paper was in his grasp you looked at your own hands seeing a few identical colored ones before looking back to him.

"Q..." You trailed off as your heart sped up in pace. "I didn't know the notes were more to you than just figuring out who wrote them, I was the one afraid to reveal myself, afraid that after quite some time of friendship that you'd only see me as a buddy." His angel smile was bright with his dimples peaking, you were speechless.

The whole time it had been Him, your best friend who was indeed around you enough to slip these notes into places you wouldn't expect, and why? It was because he liked you, maybe loved.

You let out a breath that you'd be withholding it was all so much to process as Q walked directly in front of you, you could see yourself in his eyes clearly your body turned warm while you became shooken with nerves but you realized this was Q in front of you, no one different, your best friend.

"How do you feel in this moment knowing finally who's been sending you these notes?" He asked searching your eyes. It still amazed you but you wouldn't deny you were happy it wasn't some crazy weirdo stalker maybe Q would do just fine if you gave him a chance, your eyes focused to his from the ground beneath you gathering all the micro bites of confidence you had in that moment to speak

"I think this scenario is greater than any I've imagined, I've always found your adorable face and Charisma attractive," you grinned and Q mirrored you expression proudly, "a little crush on you is something I've developed but it's not that it can't turn into more it's that I didn't know if I should've allowed it to because of this friendship bond we have."

You sighed finally speaking what you'd been holding in you waited for his answer you felt his soft hands collide with yours bringing them up between you two and intertwining them again causing you heart rate to be faster than usual.

"Take it from me, the one you have a tiny crush on, I think you should let it blossom into more," his body was nearly colliding with yours once he moved a bit closer and your cool exterior was almost blown when your noses were almost touching,

"Its not like your feelings wouldn't be reciprocated?" He smirked before leaning in instinctively causing you to close your eyes, he gave your nose the lightest kiss that anyone could possibly recieve before moving back allowing you more space.

Once you opened your eyes He was back to his cute excited self as if he hadn't just caused a shivering tension between the two of you, yep, the duality he had would definitely be something you'd have to get used to, not that it was bad though.

"Would you consider giving me a chance to make you smile a thousand times brighter than you already do as your significant other?" Q looked like a hopeful child that really wanted a toy in a store and you could tell how much he truly wanted to be the one to cherish you and share your heart, you wanted to do the same with him.

"I don't see why not. The feelings are returned, right?" You cheekily asked while grinning seeing Q's eyes light up as if he'd just hit the biggest lottery jackpot the world had ever seen, "Yes Yes, of course they're reciprocated, I really like you, Y/n." He confirmed making you sigh out of contentment, "Then the obvious answer Is Yes."

Those words were the key he needed to have access to your heart in a way that no one else could and he was bursting of excitement and relief on the inside and out as he gently brought you into a hug embracing you with heat and blossoming love,

you rested your head on his shoulder closing your eyes once his scent hit your nose sending and exhilarating feelings through your body and in that moment you didn't feel like you would regret this, giving him a chance at having your heart.

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no-wings-no-angel · 2 years ago

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So, i just woke up from a dream that I was playing a zombie apocalypse game. It was set around a family of five plus two cats but they were my actual cats. Gameplay was rotational third person pov between the three daughters of the family, it was a bit like the twd games and until dawn / dark pictures anthology style: quick-time events, choices-matter, slight fight mechanics.

There was a mum and a dad, the children were sisters all about the same age (preteens/middle-schoolers) and all pretty much the same base model, only with different hair, eyes and clothes. Their characters were very trope-ey, summarized into 1. an annoying girl with long blonde hair that would either get someone killed out of pettiness and/or die by her own childish hubris, the kind that is hated by the general fandom and thorn to shreds despite being a child; 2. a little girl type with low pig tails and big eyes who would also die, but now by being an oblivious sheltered child (also she was the only one who called her father “daddy” all the time and sat on her mother’s lap even though she is visibly 12 or so), loved and patronised to death by fandom but more of an idea of innocence than an actual character; and 3. an unreasonably well-prepared tomboy who wore a cap and had short hair, also the most (if not only) likeable girl character, a fan favourite that would make everyone compliment and rave on about how the game has a strong girl character and good female representation and how she is a feminist icon, maybe make some 30 year old men angry just for being generally smart (Most of these judgings of fandom were my opinions during the dream. I remember thinking they were all pretty unrealistic and had to remind myself to check for women in the game’s production later). Dad was a Strong And White Male Protagonist type. Mum was gorgeous, nice and loving but not much else, always kept the pigtails girl in her sight. I remember the game introducing the sisters by some petty discussion between them and me going “aw shit, they’ll end up killing each other, won’t they?” and hating it. The little girl and hubris girl had some sort of sibling drama going on that would probably kill them later but overall respected the tomboy a lot.

I was surprised by the dad being unplayable, since he was THE Sweet and Strong but Rough Around the Edges older man material that would make the daddy-issues-ridden and the chronically-thristy fanbase alike CRAWL to him like flies to a corpse and cry their hearts out online when he certainly dies protecting the ones he loves.

The weird part about them was that they were all the very white and light eyed picket fence suburban north american types and acted like it, which was funny i guess. They did not fit the setting at all, considering their very low-middle-class / working people / just-out-of-the-city-centre brazillian home: one level but elevated on a stone foundation so it won’t be on the same level of the street, made of bricks and cement, small grass patch but mostly cement courtyard in that broken tile shard style, everyone gets in by the kitchen back door despite having a nice entrance door to the living room (guests only, duh), round archs on the waist-tall front wall and gate (the cement/tile part of the front yard was all covered from the sorta-porch to the wall and gate, including the clothes hanging line and parking space, i can’t explain it very well), etc.

I was very anxious about the family cats, since there was some ambiguity about if the messy and ripped trash bags were work by zombies already inside their lot or by the cats (and about them generally being animals in a zombie apocalypse game). As one of the sisters (the annoying hubris one) was gathering them to lock them in her bedroom, one zombie spotted her from across the wall (even though she crouched behind the thick block front stairs before it looked her way) and she quietly held the cats to dear life, anxiously hoping they wouldn't meow or screech. It started throwing stuff like boxes and bottles in the yard on the general direction of the child and i screamed “THEY CAN THROW SHIT IN HERE???” since i’m more used to the twd walker, dumb and slow type of zombie.

When i had to decide on a timed choice between screaming for help (and probably attracting all the idle zombies on street) or trying sprint into the house (and hope that the zombie wouldn't jump over the waist-height wall and wasn't secretly super fast or something) i woke up in panic. I have great anxiety about this type of decisions-matter horror games, so it took a while before i calmed down. Also those were MY little bastard cats.

Only good thing about the game was the first scene, which was a great, rainy and progressivly faster drive through my actual city, which isn't a global city by any means, so i was impressed that an english language game was set in it (yeah, it was all in english for some reason. Again, weirdly all characters passed as very white north americans and had north american mentalities and only spoke english. Dream logic). Fucking great scene, really, the characters (just the tomboy and dad, mum and other sisters were home) thought it was just one normal 5 pm jamming, but after going through some short-cuttings the roads went clear and tension rose as they sped through it all, the crying desperate people, wrecked cars, fires and all that nice zombie breakout stuff, it was very movie-esque. As they were approaching home pov slowly shifts to the little girl sister lying on the grass, drawing her family with mum and sister around her.

Now editing this 5 am ramble i kinda wonder if this dream game of mine would subvert all of the tropes and supposedly shit writing of the girls and make them actual reasonable and well-rounded child characters with their own strengths and faults as the story progresses or really be a mediocre (but very beautiful, speaking graphics and photography) game. Guess I’ll never know

#dream #i should start tagging my posts i guess #also the tomboy with the cap was READY to smash some zombie heads #this tiny middle-schooler was just waiting for a chaotic zombie breakout to happen #she was bossing her sisters around to make preparations for fleeing and shit #the dad would either be the paternal icon until his tragic death by the end or die by the end of the first chapter no inbetween #mine

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anime-will-kill-me · 3 years ago

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2-3-22

Today, I'd like to put down my thoughts on the terrifying ordeal of being known. Those aren't my words, and I can't remember whose, but they are words that hit hard and ring true. Nearly everyone has a reason to hide their true self, and everyone has a personal and terrifying reason for it. The ones who don't, the ones who can share themselves openly with the world, I consider truly blessed.

Personally, I'm afraid of being known because I consider myself a terrible person, and I believe that people would reject and abandon me, and I know that it would break me. I can say it here, because I know my feelings aren't unique, and at least currently, no link can be made between this online presence and my actual person. Nobody here knows me, they know an entity online, that may or may not be me. I could be anyone. The blessing of anonymity.

It's my birthday soon, and I was terrified of the prospect of telling my parents, mostly my mom, that I don't want to celebrate it.

I hate my birthday. It's an agonizing reminder that I've done nothing noteworthy in the past year, that I'm wasting my time on this earth, and my complete lack of self worth just makes it depressing.

I don't like receiving gifts. I constantly think "I've done nothing to deserve this", and I can never truly appreciate the kindness of others because I'm blinded by my self imposed misery.

I don't like getting a lot of attention. The more people giving me attention, the closer someone may get to discovering the awful things about myself that I try to hide, which, as is the point I'm trying to make, is absolutely terrifying.

I didn't want to tell my mom, because I didn't want to have to explain these things to her. I don't want her to know the real me, because the real me is barely a shadow of her mental image of what I am. If she knew the real me, I don't think she could love me anymore.

I know that's an incredibly stupid thing to think. What kind of mother wouldn't love their child? But it happens. Parents reject their children, and drive them out, for all kinds of reasons. Even at 27, that thought terrifies me. Probably because I'm still, emotionally, a child.

The truly unfortunate part is that I can't bring myself to see her. Even with the facade I've built up, I've been avoiding her for a month. I'm going to see her tomorrow, and I'm scared. I'm going over to my parents house to help my dad fix some things around the house, but I know she's going to ask the same questions she always asks. The questions that terrify me. How are you doing? How's work? And my least favorite: anything interesting happening in your life?

There never is, mom. I'm the same as always. Depressed. Anxious. Feeling incompetent at work. Thinking my friends don't actually like me. Never having energy to do basic tasks. Decaying in my room because I don't think I deserve anything better than worst life has to offer. Really struggling to think I'm anything but a failure. A waste of space. A mistake that shouldn't have been born. A disgrace of a human being, unfit to be alive.

But I'll just say I'm doing fine. Work is good. Nothing interesting, but I like it that way.

What would she think if I had the courage to tell her the truth? What would any of my family think? Would my friends try to help me?

I don't know, and I'm terrified of the answers.

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jks-to-dad · 3 years ago

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I think a lot about you. Especially lately.

Before the divorce - you were my favourite parent. You weren't home a lot and you were easily annoyed, but that didn't bother me much. When you were in a good mood - you called me your sunshine and it made me feel better than anything. It's still my most treasured childhood memory. You made me feel cool and grown up when I wore skater clothes and dressed like a boy. It was the only time I ever felt comfortable in my own skin.

In the months before the divorce and during it - Mom was my favourite. Only because you got mean. Suddenly, I was afraid of you. You were angry all the time. You were leaving voicemails on the family landline threatening to kill us. You sent me an email that told me, your 13-year old daughter, that I was a lying little shit and you didn't want to see me again. I can't even remember what I may have lied about, but it wasn't anything serious. At 13 I was the most vanilla child you could ask for. I had no friends. I didn't party or do drugs. I didn't drink. I wasn't (still not) interested in romantic or sexual relationships. I spent my time listening to emo-music, reading science-fiction novels, and drawing. Mostly though, you were my least favourite parent because I watched you steal money from grandma (your own mother) and I watched you make my little brother feel bad about himself. It was cruel. For the first time in my life, I didn't want to be your little girl.

After the divorce - well, to be honest, I considered myself to be more or less parent-less after the divorce. I guess I still liked mom for the most part though. At least, I did until I graduated high school. But I felt more like a parent than a child. I was the one who cooked dinner 80% of the time. I was the one who usually cleaned the house. I still am. Mom's excuse? "I'm a single mother."

That excuse might've been valid when her kids were 11 and 13, but it's not when your kids are 22 and 24.

Another classic Mom line when I would express displeasure about doing the lion's share of the housework, "You're too uptight. You don't have to do it."

The more I learn about mom (her past and present behaviours) the less I like her. Nothing infuriates me more than when she says, "I was just like you when I was your age."

She wasn't.

At my age, she was married and pregnant with her second child. She didn't go to university. She was a stay-at-home mom. I am a single virgin. I am 80% of my way through a mechanical engineering degree. I still have no friends. I still hate the world. I still hate people. I'm still happiest living vicariously through fictional worlds.

I love kids - but I don't think I ever want any of my own. I'm too selfish to parent a child properly. I need too much solitude to maintain a sane exterior. It wouldn't be fair to them. Plus, I don't have any interest in having sex - with anyone. Ever. The idea completely disgusts me, and the idea of giving birth to a child is wholly unappealing.

I don't want to be anything like her. I can't wait to graduate university and move somewhere. Anywhere. I don't want to be far from my brother - he's the only person I've ever loved unconditionally. But, I don't want to be roped into sacrificing my precious time off (weekends and evenings) to visit Mom and her drama. I know it's selfish. I just can't deal with it. She thinks she's not a drama-whore. She is. It follows her everywhere and she's oblivious. She complains about her drama constantly but doesn't see that she's the problem. She hangs out with losers who are just as broken as her and she tries (and fails) to fix them (*cough* just like she tried to fix me *cough*). Then she bitches about the drama they cause in her life. I hate it.

Mostly though - I still resent both of you. I've resented both of you for a long time.

I think I was born depressed and anxious.

I can't remember a time in my life where I didn't resent the fact that I was born.

The more I learn about you and mom, the more confident I become in my belief that it was immoral for you both to reproduce.

How was I ever expected to be happy? I was born to a chronically unhappy man and a naive woman, with no ability for self-awareness, who desperately wanted a family who loved her. So she tried to make one. That's not a good reason to have kids.

I'm 24. I still wish I was never born.

I have forgiven you (and mom) dozens of times over the years. For being less than perfect parents (no one's a perfect parent). For not understanding that I never needed to be fixed - just understood. The one thing I've never been able to forgive you both for is my existence.

I don't know if I'll ever be able to. Not really.

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hottmessexpresss · 5 years ago

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**Trigger Warning** Those who are sensitive to topics such as: drug-use, over-dose, and language/descriptions/scenarios involving drugs and drug activity, please do not continue reading, or read at your own risk**

I remember I was in the parking lot of a 24 hour fitness in Bakersfield, Ca. I remember distinctly feeling like I was wrapped in a warm, weighted blanket. My breathing was shallow, but it felt "nice". I felt as if some large fluffy llama was sitting directly on my chest. Oddly enough, I felt at peace...and I felt very, very, sleepy. I didn't feel scared. I felt "whole" for the first time- I felt...happy.

Unknown time had lapsed and I woke up with vomit all over my shirt. I was dazed and confused, and blisfully unaware of my surroundings. I came to, and the passenger next to me was crying and repeatedly saying, "I don't want to go to jail. I don't want to go to jail."

That was my first and only opiate induced over-dose, and before Narcan has been heavily encouraged and issued. If you think that was enough to scare me, you're dead wrong.

Fast forward 6 years, give or take...and here I am sitting in the hospital watching my husband writhe in pain. He just had a total shoulder replacement surgery for a second time, at 42 years old (that is considered "young" for this type of evasive surgery.) My husband never shows he is pain, and has been dealing with this pain for over a year. Doctors never took him seriously. He didn't "look" to be in pain, and his physiological responses didn't "show" he was in pain. Often, there was frustration. Anger. Resentment. Not a soul believed him, and he had accepted he was going to have to deal with it for the remainder of his life. My husband served 21 years in the United States Military. His body is proof of what men and women can endure ensuring our freedoms are protected.

My husband has said, "If it weren't for these junkies, I wouldn't have to be jumping through hoops to be taken seriously." It didn't offend me. It didn't hurt my feelings. With the recent (but not new) opiate epidemic, my mind has been reeling with questions, thoughts, and residual pain. How* do we as a society, fix this problem? What can be done to HELP? What types of out-patient, low cost programs could make an impact in communities of these (addicts) people?

Drugs do not discriminate. When I was detained by the oh-so-lovely, Bakersfield Police Department back in 2014, I was treated as less than a person. "How long have you been doing drugs??? You're too pretty and young to be a tweaker." I was humiliated. I sat in silence, and in that moment "they" had won. I wanted to tell them....."If you only knew me.....if you only knew my story....my amazing, loving, parents...my upbringing, my home...my college education....." but to them, I was just 'another tweaker,' and another case number to report on. The stigma is there. I've seen comments on numerous facebook posts, "tweakers deserve to die." But my friends, they do not. If it weren't for the passanger in my car 6 years ago (even if it were for selfish reasons...AKA not going to jail) I would not have had my beautiful babies, and I would not have had a fighting chance to change my life in a productive and meaningful way.

Not even a full 24 hours after surgery, my husband's nerve block started to wear off. We paged his nurse for relief......and what happened? The on-call resident had a nurse bring my husband Tylenol. Tylenol. After a major surgery. I was offended, and in that moment, I felt embarrassed. There are people out here in this world in legitimate pain. Because of the sudden intensity of the current opiate epidemic, they (pain patients) were forced to taper off of their medication completely, or cut back harshly on their medication. Is this the right thing to do? Is this fair to those battling pain daily with the medical records to back it all up? This is where most addictions can start. "It's a prescription by my doctor... so it's fine." I can bet most do not abuse them, because of course, they need them. But there also people out in this world with emotional pain.

The first time I tried Oxycontin, I felt the effects relatively quickly. Battling depression since 12 years of age, I was dealing with my parents divorce and remarriages, new family dynamics, being a fat, and bullied nerd....I never took medication long enough to know if it would be helpful to me. So in that moment, naiive to what was to come, not knowing my genetic predisposition, I thought to myself, "so THIS is happiness....THIS is what "normal" feels like." And so began my endless and bottomless search for that euphoric happiness, and my self-medication began.

My husband was finally given an Oxycodone 11 HOURS later. It was horrible seeing his face knowing he was in unbearable pain. "We're giving you two doses of Oxycodone, Mr. Steele." My ears. I heard the name, and I knew it all too well. A former best-friend of mine; one whom I loved more than myself and loved more than anything else in this entire world at one point. The word itself, triggered me. Almost 6 years of being free and clear off that shit, and the word alone sent my neurotransmitters firing rapidly and excitedly. My brain started to illict a chemical and emotional response... to a fuckin' word*. I started to feel anxious. Uneasy. Worried. Angry. Jealous. To those who have never been addicted to drugs, this probably sounds absolutely CRAZY to you. How can someone be jealous of someone in legitimate pain and taking pain pills? Well, someone who had once before been EXCITED to fracture her thumb knowing she was getting pain pills (me). I knew* my husband needed them. I knew he had a legitimate reason to need them-but I felt* out of my mind. That* is addiction... That* is your brain fighting against the rational fibers of what is "normal". After addiction sets in, your brain under goes chemical changes. Your "Hedonic Set-Point" of happiness is altered and flipped the fuck upside down. You become addicted because you realize that the intense euphoria and happiness, that warm, fuzzy feeling in your stomach, the rush to your head...have all caused a peak beyond your "set point" of euphoria. You crave it, and you NEED it just to even function and feel "normal" If you don't use (drugs), your entire body shuts down and you become so sick (the flu times 500). So you continue to use and abuse anything to reach the level of "normal" (and beyond) in order to not feel like a depressed piece of shit. Rock bottom hits (whenever and however that is and may be, and some will never experience the same rock bottom) and you get clean, and your "hedonic set point" is reset and now, unrealistic. You soon realize you will never* feel that level of happiness again (sober). Social context, and psychological predispositions can trigger a response in your brain to want to achieve that chemical, unrealistic level- over and over again.

Recovering addicts face this day in and day out, and in this case, recovery** is a CHOICE. No one wakes up one day and says, "you know what? I'm going to steal from my family and act like a reckless fool and ruin my normalcy and fuck up my entire family (and my fuckin' credit score) Addicts can do bad things, but that doesn't make them bad people. They are the walking wounded. In the words of my favorite author, Charles Bukowski, "we don't even ask (for) happiness, just a little less pain." A close friend of mines addiction was so deep, she lost custody of her child and lost sight of everything she once loved. No one in their right mind* would EVER jeopardize the relationship and well being with their own flesh and blood. People who weren't addicted could never phatom this scenario, but addiction is* ugly. She passed away almost two years ago, leaving her daughter and family behind. Again, addiction can be so powerful and it trumps all things good. Addicts become selfish. Because they only care about themselves and their next fix. Unless they get the proper intervention, have kick ass insurance, and the will and reason deep down to stop, they won't. That's why in NA, they say some people's only way out of addiction, is jail, institutions, or death.

I feel embarrassed sometimes to admit any of this. Those who knew me in my active addiction phase, constantly said, "where* is Katelyn? Where* did she go? This is not* the Katelyn we know and loved..." Addicts have to first admit they are powerless over their addiction. Along with this, comes a mountain of shame, guilt, embarrassment, shame, and a total slap in the face of everything* they were covering up during their abuse. We have to essentially re-learn how to live life again. How to cope with underlying mental illness, how to cope with triggers, how to live day to day without their former best friend.

I wish deep down I wasn't this way. I wish deep down the muffled voice subtly nagging at my brain would stop. I wish i knew better. I don't feel this hardcore temptation anymore. In the beginning, everything felt "unfair" and life kept throwing punches at me and I struggled to handle them. I blamed others for my addiction and carried around SO much anger. One day, it clicked. No one forced me to do anything. Only I was to blame. I was responsible and accountable for what happened to me, and only I was responsible for changing my behavior. It was hard. Most of the time, it felt virtually impossible to stop. If any addict could take a magic pill to end the cycle and to start their lives over, I'm betting some- if not most, would. This blog isn't a debate on whether or not addiction is a choice. I could sit here and debate with anyone all day on this subject. This entry is merely pointing out a basic and yet complex struggle one can face years and years down the line during their recovery. I look back and feel accomplished. I overcame something not everyone has the privilege to escape from. Being clean, I was able to rediscover myself, reevaluate goals, mend relationships, and lead a meaningful life. I found my soul-mate and have two amazing babies. My hope for anyone struggling with addiction is to overcome. Take advantage of any and all local resources and dig deep down to find the desire to want to stop. It might take you more than one attempt to get clean. In NA, they mention over and over to never feel like relapse isn't possible and that it "won't happen" to you. Because it is possible. It can happen at any given moment, and there is always a chance of giving in to the demons you have worked so hard to manage and control. Make the concious choice to NOT give in to the monster, no matter how tempting it could be. You are loved. You are worthy.

"Just for today, my thoughts will be on my recovery, living and enjoying life without the use of drugs. Just for today, I will have faith in someone in NA who believes in me and wants to help me in my recovery. Just for today, I will have a program. I will try to follow it to the best of my ability. Just for today, I will be unafraid. My thoughts will be on my new association's- people who are not using and have found a new way of life. So as long as I follow that way, I will have nothing to fear." (Narcotics Anonymous, text)

Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA)

1-800-662-4357

NA (Narcotics Anonymous)- find NA meetings and local resources for recovery.

http://m.na.org/

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ubfriends · 7 years ago

Text

What to do if a FRIEND or LOVED-ONE joins [UBF] CULT

This article is mainly geared towards relatives and pre-UBF friends whose friend/relative is a current member of UBF.

This material is a summary of personal conversations with three exit-counsellors. It is a FAQ in that it answers a question that myself and many openly anti-cult people are frequently asked: "I am worried about a work colleague/friend/parent/child who is showing interest/deeply involved in an organisation which I think is a cult. What can I do?" Some of the advice here is relevant to dissuading someone who is just becoming involved. Some of it is relevant if you know someone who is deeply involved. Mostly, the focus is on gentle dissuasion: when someone is involved very deeply with a cult, there is no substitute for an experienced exit-counsellor. This document contains an overview of one of the ways of getting somebody out of a cult. It has a (highly condensed) list of useful addresses and resources. Appendix I is the Cult Awareness Network's list of Do's and Don't's and appendix II briefly addresses the use of the World Wide Web in exit counselling. Many, many thanks go to all the people whose work has made this document possible. IMPORTANT THINGS TO BEAR IN MIND: Cult involvement is perhaps best seen as similar to an addictive drug. On the one hand, it can provide ecstatic highs, feelings of well-being or boosts in confidence. On the other, it can lead to a total dependence, so that it is focused on at the expense of one's family, friends, job, or health. Like drug addicts, cult members can end up giving all their money to fund their search for the next peak experience. If they get very deeply involved, they can, in effect, give up their moral and intellectual judgements in favour of a blind acceptance of what the cult dictates. The fact that there are good *and* bad points is of paramount importance. Conversations between a cult member and an anxious parent are usually a frustrating stalemate: The cult member refuses to consider the bad points of the cult and the parent will not accept that there are good points. Don't get into a panic. Some of the anti-cult material that is available is very alarming, but remember that the scarier stuff is more newsworthy. People like myself who compile anti-cult information look for the most striking facts, just like anyone else who provides news or information. This is not to be confused with sensationalisation, which is when one makes insignificant facts seem unnecessarily alarming. Because a claim is made that certain members of the cult have done X, don't assume that such things are commonplace. Parents or friends occasionally resort to kidnapping in order to get the member out of the cult. However desperate things may seem, do not try this at any cost. It is illegal, counter-productive and completely against the spirit of individual freedom. What you are trying to do is to restore your friend's independence, not to put them under a new set of pressures. STEP ONE: INFORM YOURSELF If you do not know anything about the cult, you will make no headway at all. Many cult belief-systems strongly emphasise the distinction between those "inside" who have the "sacred knowledge" and those "outside" who do not understand how good the cult is. People who criticize the cult without first learning anything about what it offers simply reinforce this view. Your local library, the cult itself and of course the Internet are places you can search for information. If you find a World Wide Web page dealing with your particular cult, it is often worth e-mailing the author, who may have information or documents that they have not yet put on the Web. Read the cult's own information as well as critical books or articles. Find out what it was that attracted your friend to the movement. The teachings of the cult may seem very bizarre. That isn't a bad thing in itself: remember that most religious or philosophical doctrines seem bizarre to people who first hear about them. The more important issues are whether the cult has your friend's welfare at heart, or whether he or she would still choose to be in the cult if making an informed, uncoerced choice. If the teachings of the cult are obviously illogical or unethical, you may wonder how your friend could possibly fall for such a group. Remember that your friend is more likely to be persuaded by how they feel than by the words on the page. The cult creates an environment in which no-one expresses a dissenting opinion and in which people are made to feel very welcome in return for accepting the cult's teachings and social order. Some cults treat dissenting thoughts or criticism as crimes. In short, social pressure is being used against your friend. People are much more susceptible to social pressure than they realise. It is extremely useful if you can talk to an ex-member of the cult. You can often find such people by watching Usenet groups, reading Web-pages or perhaps by inquiring in your own neighbourhood. The best you, as an outsider, can do is to express your concern to the cult member and give them some gentle dissuasion. Proper exit-counselling can only be done by someone with a deep experience of the cult. STEP TWO: INFORM OTHERS It will be useful to get other people on your side. Talk to other people who care about the cult member: friends, work colleagues or family. Again, don't just create a panic: tell them that, while your friend of course has a right to his or her own life, you are concerned that he or she is being manipulated by people who have no real interest in his or her welfare. Show them some of the documents that you have found in the library or printed out from the Internet. Together with these other people, you can set down what you know about the cult victim and ask yourselves why it is that he or she joined the cult. Many cults pressurise their members into handing over large amounts of money, usually in an escalating series of payments. Members can get into terrible debts this way and they often get the money from their families. You can restrict the financial loss by shutting off joint accounts or trust funds that you both have access to, and by warning people not to loan money to them. It also restricts your friend's cult involvement. He or she will become a lot less valuable to the cult if it becomes known that he or she does not have much money to turn over. If she or he begs, don't send money to "help"; send necessities like food and clothing instead. STEP THREE: BE SUPPORTIVE RATHER THAN CONFRONTATIONAL You may feel like going up to your friend and ridiculing them for being so stupid as to fall for what is, to you, an obvious scam. This is entirely the wrong attitude. It's really just another use of social pressure. The cult member is being taught to see you as an enemy: careless actions on your part can easily reinforce this. Make it absolutely 100% clear to your friend that you do not hate them for what they are doing. Perhaps you hate the cult, or you hate people who have lied to your friend, but you are only discussing the cult out of concern for their welfare. (If you do hate your friend for what they're doing, stop and think again: you're looking at the situation the wrong way). Remember that you are trying to get them to make a free choice between an independent life and life in the cult. It may be that troubles at home, in their personal life or their career helped to make the independent life look less attractive. (Of course, such things are never major factors: people join cults because they are *recruited*). You may have to face up to, and rectify, some problems at home. Remind your friend that there is a supporting environment waiting for them if they want to leave the cult. Among the many different beliefs that the cult member will have taken on, some will have higher priority than others. For example, the belief in the infallibility of the cult leader may be sacrosanct, while the belief that the money is being put to good use is something about which the cult member may have real doubts. Hence you have to choose carefully which aspects of the belief system you are going to discuss. For example, it would be pointless to start by discussing the cult leader. This is one of the ways in which the advice from ex-members is useful. Arrange to meet your friend, in a place, preferably a family home, where they feel comfortable. It has to be a private place, and somewhere where you have your documents and a video player to hand. Make sure they know that they are not under any pressure to stay but that you want to spend some time listening to each other's concerns. STEP FOUR: LISTEN Get your friend to talk about their life in the cult. They will start off by telling you how much it has transformed their life for the better. Although you'll be tempted to interrupt them or challenge them, *don't*. Just listen to what they have to say. By making them describe the cult in their own words, you are encouraging them to think for themselves about what they have done. Follow this up by asking what the teachings of the cult are, or how their life now compares with life before they joined the cult. What they say to you is very important: it is the key to understanding why they joined the cult. Don't dispute the successes: if you were trying to persuade someone to come off drugs, you wouldn't tell them that the drug doesn't generate a high, would you? Instead you would try to draw their attention to how their life has been affected by the drug and how their habit wasn't worth the money or the danger. This is the same approach that one should use in the cult situation. STEP FIVE: MAKE THEM AWARE OF WHAT A CULT IS Remember that your friend has been told that there is only one trustworthy authority -the cult hierarchy. Because of this, you cannot expect to say to them "You're in a cult," and have them respond, "Yes, you're right: what a jerk I've been." What you can do is to pave the way for them to *discover for themselves* that they are in a cult. When they are suitably talkative, you can suggest that you watch a video. Video documentaries on mind control, hypnosis or on other cults are useful at this stage: anti-cult groups will tell you how to get hold of these. [a video list will be included in a future version of this FAQ] For the moment, you are not discussing your friend's cult; just showing them what you mean by a "cult". Most people are completely unaware of the power of social pressure and of psychological coercion. The better your understanding of coercive tactics, the less effective they are on you, so it's essential to give your friend some understanding before they can recognise what has happened to them. STEP SIX: LOOK AT CRITICAL MATERIAL Your friend will not immediately make the connection between what they learn about mind control and what is happening in their own lives. However, if you have made it this far, you have at least sown some vital seeds of doubt. You have laid the groud for the important step of getting your friend to look at some negative material about their own cult. They may be confidently asserting that they are not in a cult, in which case you can invite them to look through some critical material ("Let's criticise the critical material!"). It is best to start with well-known sources, such as video documentaries or mainstream press articles. You, of course, have on hand some documents or further articles with which to back up the claims in the article or video. Remember that the facts are on your side; the point of the exercise is to allow your friend to look at the facts with an open mind, not to tell them off. Some general questions you might focus on are: 1) Cults promise that their members can attain superior happiness, virtue and/or ability. Do other people in the cult have these qualities? 2) Do your friend's superiors really care about your friend? Are the 'friends' that they make in the cult real friends? 3) Is the cult truthful in the way it presents itself to the public? (The two of you can take a close look at the recruitment literature.) Does it come up to its own proclaimed ethical standards? 4) Is your friend really more free now than they were before joining the organisation? IF YOU SUCCEED... If you have created the right conditions and persuaded your friend to rationally discuss the cult they are involved in, it may be that they realise how they have been manipulated. There is still a recovery process to go through, whose length will depend on the severity of their cult involvement. People with a deep involvement will have to get used to being able to choose when to sleep or eat. They will have to get used to not having their decisions made for them. They will be suddenly free from the pressure to "produce", and from the the fear of failure. They will have to get used to ordinary language and social protocols. The world will seem quite alien to them for a while, in a way which outsiders cannot understand. They will need plenty of time to think things through, and to talk about what has happened to them. The emphasis should still be on letting your friend find things out for him- or her-self. Remember that you are dealing with someone who has been made very suggestible and vulnerable. If you convey to them that they are in for years of psychological ill-effects, the act of telling them might contribute to the syndrome. The answer then, is not to tell your friend how they should be feeling, but to let them recover at their own pace.

APPENDIX I: Do's and Don'ts Downloaded from the website of the now-defunct Cult Awareness Network, (see the CAN Memorial Page at http://web.archive.org/web/20010424115233/http://www.icon.fi/~marina/can/ DOS AND DON'TS A guide for families who think a member or friend is involved with a destructive cult: DO record all names, addresses, phone numbers of persons known to be associated in any way with the individual's activities. DO maintain a written chronology of events associated with the individual's activities relating to the group. DO answer all communications from the individual in a loving, sincere, non-critical and consistent manner. DO collect related items from newspapers, magazines, and other sources, as well as publications of the group. DO NOT send money to an individual in a cult if you can send non-cash gifts such as clothing, non-refundable airline tickets, etc. DO NOT spend large amounts of money for treatments or seminars until you have verified such programs' credentials and qualifications for handling your problem. DO NOT GIVE UP! Remember the individual is a product of your love, training, heredity, and home environment. These influences can never be permanently eliminated by any technique. DO NOT feel alone. This is a common problem faced by thousands all over this country and abroad. It affects families of every religious or socio-economic background. DO seek help, establish and continue an association with an organized group of families with similar situations. We care about you! APPENDIX II: THE POTENTIAL OF THE WORLD WIDE WEB With the advent of hypertext databases of cult material on the world-wide web, there is the possibility that some exit counselling could be done by sitting the cult member at a computer and inviting them to peruse documents at their own pace. The problem with traditional exit counselling is that it is done by a few known people: cults can teach their members to fear and distrust those people. When hypertext is involved, the cult member, rather than the counsellor, is choosing the order and the rate at which they are exposed to negative information. Each critic's web-page has a different focus. Many are created with the intention of "immunising" people against future involvement, and might not be suitable for people who have already been drawn into the cult. First-hand accounts of life in the cult make a good starting point, because these are likely to have the most credibility to your friend. It is always an advantage to have paper copies of the important documents and articles on hand. It is too early to say how effective this method will be, but I am aware of one case in which a cult member exit-counselled himself by reading anti-cult web pages, and of a few other cases in which the web played an important part in helping someone out of a cult. Source: http://www.faqs.org/faqs/religions/cult/cult-concern-faq/ [Admin note: Regarding Appendix II in basically every UBF chapter/church building there is unfortunately no wifi. The only way current members can access the internet is if they have mobile data or a hotspot]

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