#I would never support the abuse of animals which I’m already afraid people thing when I say this stuff

[unforgivingchorus]

I can’t read wings au fics very often despite loving them because the adhd/autism hits and I inevitably find myself reading about birds instead

[gch1995]

I’m 25 going on 26 now, and I grew up loving the classic Powerpuff Girls cartoon series when I was a kid. Even now when I rewatch it as an adult, it’s still a cute and funny cartoon, especially now that I’m old enough to recognize all of the adult jokes. Like, there’s no way it was a coincidence that Professor Utonium’s despicably dishonest, greedy, lazy, manipulative, selfish, and sleazy former roommate from college was given the name Professor Dick Hardly by accident.

Blossom, Bubbles, and Buttercup actually are pretty relatable little girls who have believable flaws and insecurities. They make believable bad choices for little girls. Those issues actually get dealt with seriously, rather than just being brushed aside as no big deal with no negative consequences. They are still endearing and sympathetic in spite of their flaws.

While he had a few OOC moments of bad parenting in some bad episodes here and there, generally speaking, Professor Utonium from the classic Powerpuff Girls is actually one of the best dads in cartoons that I’ve ever seen, which is sadly pretty rare in most cartoon sitcoms, even the ones that are actually aimed at a children audience.

Most cartoon dads are abusive, lazy, neglectful, selfish, and stupid oafs. Granted, those type of dads in cartoon sitcoms can actually be entertaining and funny to watch when they are actually being well-written as shitty and slow-witted, but still essentially well-meaning people in regards to their families, such as S1-S8 Homer Simpson from The Simpsons and even S1-S3 Peter Griffin from Family Guy. However, the entertainment quality of those shitty, but well-meaning cartoon dads was mostly lost when the writers flanderdized their negative traits to the point of making Homer and especially Peter downright despicable with little to no redeeming or sympathetic qualities much of the time anymore. They went from being shitty, but essentially well-meaning parents and husbands to downright bratty and spoiled man-children who were much more intentionally abusive, childish, cruel, neglectful, petty, and selfish in regards to their families and others around them with little to no sympathetic or redeeming qualities much of the time anymore, and that’s one of the biggest reasons why The Simpsons went downhill in quality after S8, and why Family Guy went downhill in quality after S3.

Nonetheless, even as they were originally written on their shows pre-flanderdization when they were still well-meaning, but misguided parents and spouses, cartoon dads like Homer Simpson and Peter Griffin, weren’t good dads on the whole. There were still plenty of recurring plot lines and/or gags of them being abusive, lazy, neglectful, reckless, and selfish. Back in early seasons pre-flanderdization, it was more forgivable, though, because they also still had their fair share of kind and selfless moments with their families, and their shittiness as parents wasn’t intentionally abusive, malicious, premeditated, and selfish in nature, which balanced them out enough to still be entertaining and likable characters in spite of their flaws.

Realistically speaking, though, dads like Peter Griffin and Homer Simpson would be better off having their kids taken away from them by CPS. Their good qualities and lack of malicious intent, particularly in earlier seasons pre-flanderdization, would still not hold up as legitimate excuse as to why they should be allowed to keep their kids. Bart would have bruises all over his neck, fractures in his neck, and he could possibly be killed if Homer strangled him hard enough to actually break his neck and/or cut off his air supply long enough in real life just once. Meg, Chris, and even Stewie would not only be injured, but actually outright killed in real life from some of the abuse and neglect that Peter and Lois put them through in later seasons of FG. All of these kids, especially Meg, would have serious self-esteem issues for the rest of their lives because Peter, Lois’, and Homer’s abuse and neglect of their kids went beyond just a pattern of being physical in nature, but emotionally and verbally abusive as well.

So yeah, Peter Griffin and Homer Simpson are really not good fathers who you’d ever want to deal with for a parent in real life, even pre-flanderdization. The major reoccurrence of the abusive, bumbling, idiotic, lazy, drunken, neglectful, and selfish dad trope in cartoon sitcoms is exactly why I really love Professor Utonium from the classic PPG cartoon. I don’t necessarily mind it in absurdist cartoon sitcoms when it’s done well as a trope, but I’m also getting tired of mostly just seeing bad and stupid dads in cartoon sitcoms, and not enough good ones.

For the most part, the OG Professor Utonium is a great dad who goes above and beyond to make sure Blossom, Bubbles, and Buttercup are happy, healthy, disciplined, and safe. He’s usually the parent most of us wish we could have in real life, if we don’t already. It’s refreshing to actually see a good dad in an animated sitcom for once.

Professor Utonium in the classic PPG cartoon is generally a very kind, loving, selfless, and supportive dad to girls. However, he also knows when he has to discipline them and be strict without ever being mean about it. He gives them good advice. He’s very selfless, and even though the girls are superheroes with superhuman abilities, he’ll still risk and/or sacrifice anything to protect them when they’re unable to protect themselves with their powers, including his own life. He didn’t need to be the stereotypical cartoon sitcom abusive, bumbling, dumb, and neglectful dad in order to be funny either. He was funny because he could sometimes be overprotective of the girls, and he could sometimes embarrass them by calling them sickly sweet terms of endearment and telling embarrassing stories that he shouldn’t have about them in public. He was socially awkward. These are relatable flaws in parents that even the best ones have.

While the girls don’t have a mother, Ms. Bellum and Ms. Keane were very brave, kind, and intelligent strong women who were good role models.

Also, the Professor did many activities with the girls and chores around the house that get gender-coded as “mother’s work.” Some of these things include begrudgingly playing dress up as Bubbles to make her happy when she was playing PowerPuff Girls with Buttercup and Blossom on a rainy day inside of no crime when he saw that she was upset that no one wanted to be her, cooking, cleaning, and actually sitting down to talk with the girls, listen to them, emotionally support them, and give them advice. He’s also not afraid to be openly affectionate, doting, and emotional with the girls. There’s just not enough good dads in cartoon sitcoms, which is why I really like Professor Utonium from the OG PowerPuff Girls cartoon and movie. He mostly defied all the bad dad stereotypes, and was a really great one to the girls more often than not.

The main villains from the classic PowerPuff Girls cartoon are incredibly entertaining, especially MoJo JoJo. Him was always the creepiest to me because he was the most devious, insidious, and manipulative one. All of the psychological abuse and manipulation he put the girls and Townsville through was always the scariest to me when I was a kid because out of all the villains on the show, the torment that he wreaked upon the girls and Townsville by brainwashing them, gaslighting them, and/or exploiting their fears and insecurities often was played as dead serious with really scary results, especially in early seasons of classic PPG. While Him had a few human moments here and there, for the most part, he was pretty consistently played off as being seriously scary and dangerous.

MoJo JoJo was an egomaniacal asshole hellbent on destroying the PowerPuff Girls and world domination, and on a few occasions, he actually came close to succeeding. On a few occasions, he genuinely was more scary than camp evil. But he still had a lot of humorous, human, fallible, and relatable moments, too. My favorite MoJo moments are the ones where he is making jokes, irritably going grocery shopping to get eggs, getting too frustrated by the girls antics and childish behaviors and reactions to actually go through with his plans to destroy them at certain points, and getting angry and jealous enough to actually destroy the alien/robot invader from another planet who was destroying Townsville in all the evil ways that he always wanted to himself. He was highly intelligent at coming up with clever schemes and inventions with all his science and technology to take over the world, destroy Townsville, and/or destroy the PowerPuff Girls. However, his arrogance, impatience, and impulsivity always doomed him to fail to succeed in the end, though he did come pretty close on a few occasions, especially in the 2002 prequel origin story movie, and he did actually get to rule the world in “The PowerPuff Girls Rule the World!” Surprisingly, he actually was a kindhearted ruler who did good things, but then he gave it all up and went back to being evil because he got bored.

Originally, MoJo was a well-intentioned extremist who wanted to create a utopia ruled by primates where they would never be controlled or rejected by humans again. As much as Professor Utonium’s irritation with JoJo for being a destructive chimp lab assistant was completely justified, it’s also hard not to feel kind of sorry for Mojo Jojo and understand where he’s coming from in his motivations to become evil, particularly in the 2002 prequel movie because originally all he really wanted was to be loved by his owner, too. He understandably felt rejected when Blossom, Bubbles, and Buttercup became the center of his universe instead. Of course, that doesn’t excuse him for choosing to respond to the Professor’s rejection by becoming an arrogant, evil, cruel, hateful, hypocritical, domineering, manipulative, petty, selfish, and vengeful villain going on a quest for world domination, attempting to commit homicide several times, probably committing voluntary manslaughter of citizens several times that we didn’t see on screen when destroying Townsville all those times, turning the rest of the world into dogs to try to take over the world, and trying to destroy the girls. However, you understand why Mojo became the villain he did with his backstory. He’s relatable. Occasionally, he does have some genuinely sympathetic moments where he’s actually willing to be friendly with the girls, team up with them, and do the right thing.

HIM was just the personification of evil for no other reason than the fact that he was satan. While MoJo was a complex, human, and relatable anti-villain with his origin story as the Professor’s lab chimp, who gained genius-level human intellect from having Chemical X splashed on his brain, and then chose to become evil after feeling rejected by the Professor when he saw how he pretty much forget about him once the girls became the center of his universe instead, HIM was evil, manipulative, and hateful for no other reason than the fact that those traits were a part of his nature as the very embodiment of evil. Many times, a fictional villain being portrayed as one-dimensional with no sympathetic qualities or relatable motivations will annoy me, but with HIM being evil just because that’s who he is, it actually works because he is literally Satan. There doesn’t need to be a deeper sympathetic story behind why he is evil. Committing crimes, wreaking havoc, corrupting people, manipulating people, turning people against others, exploiting the fears of others, and deceiving others for his own amusement is just who he is, and in the early seasons of classic PPG in particular, that made him really scary to me when I was a six year old little girl watching the cartoon on TV.

You get the idea...The classic PowerPuff Girls was a fantastic cartoon, particularly the first four seasons. Granted, there was some series seasonal rot going on in the writing in S5 and S6 after the 2002 prequel movie, and Craig Mcracken and Gennedy Tartakovsky’s departure from the crew. Like, the characterizations of the characters and/or storylines in S5 and S6 felt comparably flanderdized, ooc, immature, inconsistent, pointless, shallow, and underwhelming at certain times to fit the plot, such as in the episodes “Keen on Keane,” “Pee Pee G’s,” “Seed No Evil,” “Reeking Havoc,” “Toast of the Town,” “Say Uncle,” “City of Clipsville,” “”Bubble Boy,” A Made Up Story,” “Mo’linguish,” and “Simian Says.” Even the good episodes of S5-S6 still didn’t ever reach the same level of greatness of the ones from S1-S4. However, the seasonal rot in the classic PPG cartoon of S5-S6 after Craig McCracken and Gennedy Tartakovsky’s departure still wasn’t nearly as bad as the seasonal rot on The Simpsons after S8, Family Guy after S3, and SpongeBob SquarePants post S3–S4 ish, so I’m still willing to consider most of S5-S6 of classic PPG legit canon.

However, it sounds like the 2016 PPG reboot fucked up everything that was originally good about it to go for a more slapstick comedic feel without substance without consistency, depth, and intelligence. Now, I hear that the CW is making a live-action TV show spin-off of the PowerPuff Girls being jaded and resentful young women who’ve given up crime fighting as result! No, no, no! Why? Why does the CW keep making dark, nitty, and gritty live action teen soap operas out of beloved childhood cartoons?

Yeah, the original PowerPuff Girls cartoon and movie had dark moments. The girls could be bratty and make bad choices sometimes. However, it was still very much a fun show about normal little girls born with superpowers, which they chose to use to defend their father, their city, and on some occasions, the whole world, from crime. No one ultimately forced them to be superheroes for everyone in the classic PPG cartoon and movie. They chose to do it because they had brave and selfless hearts. There was ultimately no obligation for them to be superheroes in the classic PPG cartoon and movie. Sure, they got tired of fighting crime at times, but they still ultimately enjoyed doing it when push came to shove. They weren’t weighed down by the darkness of the world, hatred, and resentment. They still were relatively normal little girls with happy, peaceful, and normal lives of little girls whenever they weren’t fighting crime after the events of the prequel movie about their origins. That’s what made the PowerPuff Girls classic cartoon so special.

By turning Blossom, Bubbles, and Buttercup into jaded young women, who have given up on being superheroes because they’ve grown resentful of “losing the normal childhood to crime fighting” that they basically are shown to have in the original series for the most part in their spare time aside from having superpowers that they chose to use to fight crime to defend their dad and Townsville from, anyway, where is the fun in that?

[fantastic-rambles]

Sk8 Character Thoughts

Yeah, so y’all have to deal with me venting my latest obsession, lol. Sorry to everyone who followed me for other stuff, I will get back to it eventually. ^^;

I was gonna write out individual walls of text for everyone to be fair, but I decided that’s too much work and I’d go crazy before I finished (plus I’m feeling guilty for neglecting my fanfiction writing), so I’m just gonna bullet point some of the random things I think about various skaters (opinions and theories).

The order is the approximate order of which I like characters, though it’s not a strict ranking. I like most of the characters in the show to some extent.

Adam (Shindo Ainosuke)

I’ve already said a lot about him, you can check it out here and here. I’ll probably end up saying more about him before the show ends, too. xD

Yes, he is an absolutely awful person, but that’s what makes him amazing.

I will say that he needs a better costume designer. He looks like a clown. It looks like something that he designed when he was, like, five years old.

The mask is great though. <3

Cherry Blossom (Sakurayashiki Kaoru)

I love the super analytical types, but I also feel like Carla is a crutch for him. He’s a great skater, but if he didn’t have Carla, I don’t think he’d be able to compete at the level of the other top skaters. But all the more props to him for finding a way that he could compete at that level.

He totally had a thing for Adam before. But I think that even then, Adam was too fucked up to be able to have a romantic relationship, so nothing came of it. Because if Adam did actually learn what real love was like rather than confusing abuse for love, I don’t think he would have turned out the way he did.

It’s pretty clear that until he gets smacked by Adam, he’s still looking up to Adam and clinging to what they had before. And it bleeds into his non-skating life as well: when he did his calligraphy demonstration, I think that he hoped Adam would see it, which was why he picked that specific phrase and explained it--to let Adam know that it wasn’t too late to make amends (not that Adam would have given a fuck even if he did see it).

I love his character design as a teen, and I’m sad that he’s become more respectable-looking (though still hot af) as an adult. I’m a sucker for guys with long hair in anime/manga.

He is absolutely a weeb. He’s made an AI assistant who he calls Carla, which creeps out Joe (in a cute, lovable way, not in an Adam way), and he incorporates her into almost all aspects of his life. Like, he just happens to have an AI-augmented wheelchair handy, why?

He also dresses up like a ninja when he’s skating, goes around in a kimono in his daily life, etc. etc. Okay, maybe the kimono can be excused since he’s a calligrapher (though I’m pretty sure that’s not the norm regardless, except for maybe if the artist is at some sort of exhibition?), but people’s costumes seem to show off who they really are beneath the mask they put on for society. So Cherry secretly wants to be a ninja. xD

I’m not on any specific ship, but if I had to pick one to board, it would be Matchablossom.

Can we please have a spinoff that’s just about Adam, Cherry, and Joe when they’re teenagers?

Snow (Hasegawa Langa)

Frankly, Langa’s only up this high because I love his dynamic/rivalry with Adam. If Adam didn’t exist, he’d be below Joe, maybe below Tadashi.

Not that I don’t like Langa, but he’s just an oblivious skating nerd. He’s skilled and passionate, but I don’t really feel that he really stands out as a standalone character. He’s more of a foil for other characters (mostly Adam and Reki).

I guess what stands out the most to me is his ability to improvise when he’s falling behind, since his skill level is understandably lower than most of the other people he skates against. Like finding alternative pathways to the finish line versus Shadow and Miya, or using Joe’s strength to propel him forward. Or just, like, flying off the edge of a cliff to take a shortcut. That too. xD

His snow motif is pretty cool. (No pun intended.)

And I won’t deny that he’s cute. He’s actually the reason I started watching, because I saw some fanart of him and got curious. Came for the Langa, stayed for the Adam. <3

I feel bad for him for having a jealous jerk as basically his only friend though.

Joe (Nanjo Kojiro)

He’s such a teddy bear. <3

Joe’s the heart to Cherry’s brain, and I adore the way they balance each other out. I love Vitriolic Best Buds.

What surprised me, though, is that Joe seems to have a better understanding of Adam’s current character than Cherry does, since Cherry is so precise and analytical. Though the flashback clarified that some since it’s pretty obvious that Cherry is/was biased where Adam is concerned. Sure, Joe was also friends with Adam back then, but it seems that Cherry was the one most star-struck by Adam.

But Joe obviously knows and accepts that Adam’s changed, unlike Cherry, though he probably doesn’t know the reason why. He seemed to be expecting something to happen during the race, so it didn’t surprise him when it did, though he was sad/disappointed by it. It seemed like he was concerned and wanted to warn Cherry before his race (which is super cute), and when everyone else was flinching from seeing the assault on Cherry, Joe didn’t look away. I don’t think he knew exactly what Adam was going to do (I don’t think anyone did, lol), but he knew Adam was going to do something.

I don’t think he was serious when he said the reason Adam is avoiding their beefs is because he’s afraid he’ll lose, though. Yeah, he wants to race Adam, and he wants to win, but I think he’s more grounded when it comes to Adam, so he probably knows that Adam would beat him if it came down to it. Whereas Cherry legitimately thought he could win if Adam held back.

Also, his skateboard wheels are ridiculous. How do they even work?

Snake (Kikuchi Tadashi)

He got an ask post, yay, so not going to rehash it here.

I really hope that Adam realizes at some point that Tadashi is the only person who really knows and understands him, and comes to appreciate everything that Tadashi’s done for him.

Miya (Chinen Miya)

Such a brat, omg.

I get that he’s a kid, and kids are brats, and so it’s a fairly realistic depiction. I just hate kids. >.>

Pretty much the only time I’ll really like a child character is when they’re precocious as fuck and not child-like at all, which I get defeats the purpose, but that’s me.

Brattiness aside, he is skilled and appreciates Reki standing up to Adam on his behalf, so much so that he’s willing to spend his time training a “slime” just so Reki doesn’t get completely crushed by Adam. And he’s also willing to work with Langa to teach him the most difficult trick in skating (the Caspar Slide) for the same reason.

Ultimately, he’s a good kid, but he’s had some bad experiences that make it harder for him to trust people since he’s afraid they’ll leave him. He’s still willing to try, though, if people will give him a chance.

Also, the one ep when they go on vacation and Miya pretends Joe is his daddy (and Cherry is his mommy, rofl--hi Matchablossom!) to drive away the women Joe’s hitting on... hilarious.

Kyan Reki 

An even bigger brat.

Again, yeah, he’s a teenager and teens are “just like that,” but I hate those kinds of characters.

Just because his friend is a skating genius, he gets all pissy and stops being friends with him? Showing up to cheer Langa on and then completely running away doesn’t redeem him in my eyes. I get that he’s disappointed that he’s not capable of skating at the level of the top skaters and frustrated that Langa surpassed him so easily, but that’s no excuse to take it out on Langa (or anyone else).

And everyone complains about Adam being possessive, but they just gloss over the fact that Reki repeatedly tries to force Langa to promise to not skate against Adam, even roping in their manager, when he knows that Langa likes accepting challenges and has fun doing them. He just wants to keep Langa to himself, and he’s jealous as fuck that Langa is obsessed with skating against Adam.

Langa even explicitly tells him that he’s not racing Adam just because he’s upset about what Adam did to Reki, but because he wants to do it. Which is the exact same fucking reason Reki gives for not listening to Joe and Miya, and Langa supports his decision then. Why can’t Reki do the same?

Yes, he’s traumatized because his friend who introduced him to skating was seriously injured and had to quit skating, and he got hurt skating against Adam, but just like for Adam: YOUR TRAUMA/BACKSTORY DOES NOT JUSTIFY YOUR BEHAVIOR.

Plus, the whole “we’ll never disappear from your sight” that he told Miya? Psych!

Like, seriously. He knows the kid has abandonment issues because people leave him because he’s too good at what he does, and then he just goes ahead and poofs, putting both Miya and Langa through the same exact fucking thing.

Though I’m sure that the power of friendship will give him a miraculous recovery and he’ll build a new board for Langa so Langa can beat Adam before Adam gets hauled off to jail. It’ll probably be a cheesy make-up where Langa says something about how he can only use Reki’s boards, so it’s like they’re skating together when he races or whatever.

I do respect his ability to observe other skaters and make boards that are perfectly suited to them, though. And he knows that he’d be good in that support role. But he wants to be the hero, so he’s suffering from eighth grader syndrome and lashing out because reality doesn’t conform to his wishes.

Shadow (Higa Hiromi)

Just fucking die already, ‘kay?

I don’t even know what to say. He’s all caught up in his “antihero” complex or whatever (I don’t even remember if that’s the right term, and I don’t give a fuck), and he’s got a nasty personality. Like burning Reki’s board or threatening to have a guy tattoo “Dumpster Slut” above his girlfriend’s name.

You really expect me to believe that he’d treat his manager respectfully if they started dating when he does something like that? His polite florist persona is such a sham.

And he’s a shit skater. How the hell is he in the top 8? If they can throw in a random guy we’ve never seen before (Harry), then they could have just as well put in some other trash mob instead of Shadow, who only didn’t get knocked out in the quarterfinal round because he was racing a nobody.

Imo, all of his “cute” little tricks like throwing fireworks at his opponent or shining a laser into their eyes is worse than what Adam does. Once he does that, he relinquishes all control over the situation, so anything could happen, such as his opponent crashing into a wall or falling off a cliff, which could result in serious injuries or even death. On the other hand, Adam always remains in control when he’s trying to throw off his opponent by forcing them to dance with him and freaking them the fuck out by pushing their limits. Even when he’s holding Reki’s head about an inch above the ground, he won’t let Reki brain himself on a rock or something. And even when he smacks Cherry with his skateboard, his attack leaves Cherry conscious and so lightly injured (relative to what could have been) that he doesn’t even need to stay in the hospital. (I don’t think he actually needs a wheelchair, other than probably being a bit woozy from a concussion, maybe. And maybe not even that if Joe isn’t concerned enough to wake him up/keep him from being unconscious.) Yeah, Adam fucks with his opponents, but if they can get over it, they can get back on a board. There’s a good chance that won’t happen if they get in an accident caused by Shadow, other than for anime logic.

“What about Adam’s Love Hugs??” What about them? Yes, he’s not holding on to his opponents to control their falls, but the point of it is to make them flinch and fall backwards, against the line of motion. That naturally will decrease the severity of their physical injuries, unlike when Reki and Harry fall off the course at full speed versus Shadow.

The only reason he doesn’t have a higher body count than Adam (or even a literal body count) is plot convenience, since he’s not the villain.

[floralkittygambler]

RadioDust is the Healthiest Toxic Ship for Angel so far

@honesthazbinarchives​ Briefly. I’d like to go into this more in the future BUT these are the main points I said I’d do. Heh ‘stay tuned’ for why HuskerDust is toxic [haaaa funny fuckin reference n shit like Viv herself aint overdone it]. Yer dont even wanna know the lack of enthusiasm in tryna do a playful ‘cringetopia’ joke - wasnt as fun as anticipated. Anyfuckinways, the shit. Before we begin, disclaimers n whatnot, no hate intended, dni if you’re a bit of a knobhead [either stan or extreme anti], an all that nonsense. I dont own the characters no shit.  In this I’ll discuss how RadioDust aka SpiDEER (thats right, yer stuck w my shit humour now) is both the healthiest ship for Angel we’ve seen so far but still rather toxic. Idc if you hate me for it but dont fuckin waste yer time telling me. Great. I dont care. Yer fuckin hard n whatnot for harassin strangers online. Big dick energy to you. This will be slightly messy, my apologies, it’s a quick summary of many points.

Alright. Firstly, out of the entire male cast Angel interacts with over all platforms, Al is given a fair bit of mercy in terms of sexual advances. In fact, a swift ‘no’ and Angel doesn’t do it again - unlike most of the other cast [pent’s is covert, husks is overt]. One thing I like is that Angel himself admits to their chemistry (claiming that whilst he thinks Al’s a prick, he thinks Al dislikes him which saddens him as he’d at least like to be friends as he feels they have good chemistry - according to the VA via Hunicast’s 1yr anniversary), there’s no further efforts to jump on his dick but a clear curiosity/interest in what Al can do.  Lets go to the basics, both are of similar age [allegedly in their 30s, though Ive heard Al may be up to mid 40s] as well as created near the same-ISH time (as in, Viv’s oldest characters, at least for HH). Likewise, Viv admitted to knowing fuck all on either of their eras (and to make that public wasn’t really a wise choice BUUUT if you felt the need, it’s better worded with interest “Right now I’m working towards educating myself more on their time periods to improve their portrayals” <-- crucial if yer want that ‘realism’). Because of their real-world ages, Viv confesses they’re her favourites (even if you didnt know, she makes it pretty clear). It could be a nice ‘homage’ to their impact in her life but not too relevant otherwise. It could fulfil the need for self indulgence that she’s unhealthily leaking into the canon - which will ultimately make the series shit. No sugarcoating there.  As for their ages, a relationship can work whether the gap is large or small HOWEVER there are many ethics and conflicts to each. And being an adult into kids is always fucked up. With that being said, studies have shown that closer ages often work better due to the often similarities in mindset, maturity and life goals (older folks are more likely to want to settle, younger often have more ambitions), likewise there tends to be an unbalanced power-dynamic if the ages are too far, which can lead to various types of abuse. Dont get me wrong, being with someone much older (AS LONG AS NONE OF YALL ARE KIDS) very much CAN work - but rarely. There’s much more hardwork needed as well as being in the right mindset for both, otherwise it’s bad. More on that in HD. Long story short, both are closer in age meaning both are more ‘relatable’ to one another. There’s common grounds, even in the eras there’s some higher understanding of one another. Notice how Vaggie and Charlie are similar in age? (Even though Charlie is far older, her appearance and mentality for her race is on par with Vaggie’s, making it far more likely to work out positively) One of the most prominent out of all of this however is their actual interests. So listing; Both like action/chaos/having fun (often at the expense of others), both love cooking and can be food snobs in their own right, both have sadistic AND masochistic tendencies, Al likes performance and theatre whilst Angel loves *to* perform, on that last point Angel was very intrigued and enjoyed Al’s song number/performance naturally, both really enjoy pranks and both enjoy liquor (neither show an actual addiction, but rather an interest in social drinking - no dependencies on it). Again, close eras mean both have a higher probability of understanding the other and their lifestyles better. Both are high on appearance and love themselves, implying self confident mindset (healthy BUT the narcissism isnt) yet enough consideration for how they are viewed. On the parent system, one adores his mama whilst the other hates his pops.  Now Ive gone on about how they’re similar. But similarities ALONE is not enough. If it was, then fandom’s would be a lil more harmonious~ A HEALTHY relationship needs compatibility, POSITIVE conversation flow, common grounds, trust, openness and understanding. Even then, some people click and some just dont. It’s like how you can just hate someone for no reason. It just IS. Common grounds and similarity is scientifically proven to be attractive to someone - be it good or BAD. People are drawn to those like their parents in some way usually, likewise we look for people similar to ourselves (from our interests, to humour, beliefs, goals, etc). Science itself states that ‘opposites attract’ solemnly applies in the real world successfully. Though similiarity plays a large role, there has to be some differences too - that person is STILL an individual separate to yourself. Too similar and it’s boring. Too similar and you’ll do everything together without some ‘you’ time. Both Vaggie and Charlie have similar interests/hobbies in dance and music, yet still have enough differences to be identifiable when together. Vaggie is more grounded than Charlie. Charlie gives some optimism and fun to Vaggie. Remember, a partner does NOT complete you - that’s a toxic mindset when taken too seriously, You complete YOURSELF. Whether you have someone or not, you must feel complete in yourself as to not slip into toxic dependency on a lover - to become them, a shadow of them or feel like you’ve lost your identity without them. Sounds harsh but it’s true. Chaggie compliments each other without a dependency. You stand alone yet uplift one another. You don’t always agree but in the end you always have each other’s backs. Love is often butchered in a toxic light in the media.  So taking that into consideration, how does spideer work? Well, here’s some examples of good, bad and neutral: - Angel loves animals, Al fears/dislikes dogs. Perhaps Angel could assist him in overcoming this? - Al hates being touched, Angel dislikes being squeezed. Maybe this could help them reach an understanding... Or cause a rift? - Angel was the only one to break Al’s composure, either Angel is the *key* to delving further into Al’s more raw self... Or just another obVOXious pest? (yeah, I said it-) - Neither respect other’s boundaries, meaning both may fuel the other to be overly disrespectful in this area. Not good. - Angel is a sarky/sarcastic fuck, Al loves dry humour. Both seek amusement and chaos. In relationships one needs to see how conversation flows and in the hunicasts, both keep up some good as well as toxic banter. Both could roast the fuck out of an opponent however. - Al is acro/ace, Angel is hypersexual (appears like a sex addict - now I say this as his book has a crossed out ‘fun stuff’ with ‘work shit’ written on it. He’s always fixed on sex from his job to his humour), this could either aid Angel ease up on the sex stuff OR make him overly push it onto Al causing major rifts and discomfort (aces can have sex, ref to ace posts that real asexuals put to understand more but no one wants to be forced into sex is the point here). And we’ve already discussed their lack of respect for boundaries. The positive is that maybe this will make Angel understand how Val is rubbing off on his own behaviour towards men [again, more on that in the HD post]. - Both similar yet different in a way that does suit their compatibility chances but that doesnt mean they will click, it just improves the odds. - Both have similar enemies in Val and Vox, they’re on common terms. Likewise, Al is against the ‘sexual deviance’ of hell meaning he may be oddly supportive and protective of Angel in terms of Val. I dont even think his sadism will override this either. - Al dislikes modern tech, Angel seems to use it as his job requires it. A nice little menial difference. - Only ONE is an addict. Take it from an expert, you NEVER put two addicts together. They’re very vulnerable and prone to slipping deeper into their addictions as well as depending on each other too much that they essentially become very clingy, suffocating and toxic to each other. Seen it in action, it’s ugly.  - Both could have a lot of fun and calm moments with each other. - He isn’t immediately smitten with Al but immediately shows a natural interest in Al’s powers and performance, embracing it openly. Leads for a good friendship turned lovers plot. - In Viv’s patreon, she confirmed Angel loves confident guys [sounds exactly like Al] We need to think about where both are mentally. What benefits would a relationship give both? How would they be good and bad for each other? For Al, aside from his outdated views and being a fucking murderer and narcissist, he actually seems in a good mindspace for a relationship IF he opted to be in one. Angel however has a very immature mindset, likewise is in a phase of life where hes bed hopping. IF he were to be in a relationship, I’d say he needs a male equivalent of Cherri - someone with a similar mindset yet some differences, willing to have fun and in touch with their younger side, down to cuddle, open to share and receive love as well as not afraid to publicly be affectionate with him, someone who sees him as more than just for sex, someone fun, someone who’ll let him embrace his cutesy side publicly without shame - Cherri is younger so maybe someone who’s his age or slightly younger perhaps? I think Angel’s not retirement home ready to settle and needs someone on his level that can cuddle and chill as well as feels free and youthful enough to go wild with him. In one sense, he’s got a teen girl sorta mindset (dont put him with a teen though, it’s fuckin weird-). He needs someone positive and raw, someone to let him be himself as well as someone comfortable to be themselves around him. He has a habit of latching onto unobtainable men (in psychology, this is self sabotaging subconsciously): Travis the client, Val a pimp, Husk (emotionally unavailable and needs HEAVY self work - interestingly far more than Angel - plus he’s still onto his last relationship and an addict to gambling and alcohol), Pent who’s the enemy he was currently fighting (inappropriate timing), Alastor who’s not interested in another but his own needs [selfish, VERY bad for a relationship]. Subconsciously he’s self sabotaging on purpose. There’s many psychology books as well as sources online for this, if you’re interested. Either way, Angel is drawn to men either like his father [who dislike him, shun him, or are otherwise cold, abusive or just blatantly dislike or otherwise dont care about him] or anyone with money to fuel his drug addiction/’debt’ to Val. Going with any of these men isn’t a good idea.  Preferably, Angel needs someone who he doesnt immediately crush and obsess over. Someone who he doesnt sexually harass or assault. Someone he can build a connection with quickly that can bud into romance (think how Chaggie started as a friendship which clicked immediately). Maybe even someone he doesn’t expect to fall for but does so anyways. It would be more realistic as Viv wants as well as more healthy. That for once he isnt sex or money craved instantly, thus doesnt sexually harass/assault and is given a proper chance to develop and grow a friendship and love. Someone who isnt an addict.  Someone with an on-par mindset where they click. Someone open to love. For any chance of a good relationship, Angel needs to be with anyone BUT who we’ve already seen. There’s too much toxicity that’ll be swept under the rug and justified otherwise. Too much shit to fuel homophobes in terms of gay stereotypes. Even though Ive focused a fair bit on Angel, it’s NOT just about Angel. That’s something fans forget. Some he depends on or someone who depends on him in the long term wont last and will be very dangerous to both.  Just because you suffer, you dont then deserve to be rewarded with ‘something nice’. You dont get to have everything youve ever wanted. Giving him any of these blokes [minus Val] gives him a pass. Gives him what he wants. I get Viv loves him but life doesnt work that way. True lasting growth comes from learning that. Acceptance and growth. You dont get everything you want and sometimes thats a GOOD thing. He’s not a spoilt kid who gets everything he asks for, he’s YOUR creation. If you really wanted what your creations deserve then you need to research and be realistic with it. Because hes starting to feel like a shitty Gary-Stu at this rate. I live with an ‘Angel Dust’ like person. It used to feel like life gave her everything and most times it did. Everyone loved her and she could get away with murder if she wanted to. But now she’s had to struggle and grow, let go of some ‘wants’ because they werent good for her and she’s becoming better for it. She has a long way but she’s more humble for it now [still got self confidence but it’s less narcissism now, which is more healthy for her]. Also, they make the word anal lol

[thefanficmonster]

Guidance For The Lost

Emily Davis x Reader (Female)

Warnings: Mentions of death, Dealing with the loss of loved ones, Grieving, Alcohol Abuse (Mentioned)

Genre: Angst, Romance

Summary: How much does a person have to lose before they are finally shown the light that’s supposed to lead them to a better place? Y/N and Emily never knew they were even looking for that guidance in their life until they lost everything but that one need - finding guidance, finding closure, finding who they are and embracing. Preferably together.

Requested by my dear Until Dawn Genius Anon. You are the absolute best. This idea is golden and you take all the credit for it, darling. (Unless the fic is bad, then blame it on me 😋) Hope you enjoy, XOXO

Sorry I went overboard again. I just love writing for this fandom so much 💙

Once upon a time I was happy. I had it all.

A best friend who was always by my side. A best friend whose family accepted me as one of them.

A girlfriend that nothing and no one can compare with. It would be inaccurate of me to describe her with words. The English language doesn’t have adjectives I could use to paint you the picture of who she was and how I felt and still feel about her.

But I can tell you our story, at least the ending portion of it. I can’t recall the beginning cause it will hurt too badly. I can’t bare the pain nor the guilt of being so helpless. 

So here’s how our story ended.

“Where did everyone go all of a sudden?“ I ask no one in particular as I finally look up to take notice of my now vacant surroundings. The living room was buzzing with Josh’s friends just minutes ago, their chatter and laughter not bothering me while I read some interesting Blackwood Pines facts from a booklet Beth showed me.

“No idea!“ I hear my girlfriend call out to me from somewhere near by. “Probably upstairs, no one’s dumb enough to go outside in this weather.”

I get up from the couch and walk into the kitchen where Josh and his best friend Chris are passed out on the kitchen island.

“Dumb and Dumber are out, huh?“ I shake Josh’s shoulder but he doesn’t budge.

Beth is by the kitchen sink, doing the dishes. She turns to look at me, a bright smile on her face, mesmerizing me. “Surprised it took them so long. At the very least they are unconscious so they won’t cause troubles.” Her eyes suddenly widen, “Shit! The others could be destroying the upstairs rooms!”

I frown and shake my head, “They weren’t that drunk when I last saw them.“ I try to assure her.

“The atmosphere can get you carried away and I don’t wanna take any risks.“ This is Momma Beth speaking. Her and Sam are the most responsible of our bunch. They can go from partying to parenting in the blink of an eye. I find it adorable when Beth does it.

“Ok, ok, I’ll go check on them. You stay with these two just in case they wake up.“ I walk through the wooden doors to the staircase area of the lodge. I’ve been here countless times now and I still only know the main points - kitchen, bathroom, living room and the bedroom I always stay in. The rest is a maze if you ask me.

I hear a commotion upstairs and quicken my pace. I follow the voices, not really sure where I’m headed when I see Hannah running in my direction. She looks like she’s been crying and her shirt isn’t completely buttoned up. My mind races with the worst of scenarios, a pit opening in my stomach.

“Hey! Hannah, what’s wrong?!“ I call after her when she passes me without even sparing me a glance.

I’m about to go after her when the rest of the group catches up, all of them running as well.

“Guys, what’s going on?!“ I’m getting kind of scared now, seeing as how all of them have worry and something alike guilt painted on their faces.

“I’ll tell you later. We need to get Hannah.“ Matt tells me as he briefly slows his pace to answer my question.

I stand there confused, but only for a second. Next thing I know, I’ve already outrun the group and I make it outside the lodge first. Well, not really first. I can barely see Beth because of the color of her jacket, the pink dot in the white ongoing snowstorm slowly fading as she keeps heading further into the woods.

“Beth, wait!“ I try to yell but my voice is muffled by the raging wind.

“It was just a prank, Han!“ I hear Emily’s voice, but don’t plan on sticking around to find out what prank she’s talking about.

Just as I’m about to take off after Beth, a hard grips my arm tightly. 

“Where do you think you’re going? We don’t need another person running into the storm.“ Emily says in her typical bitchy way, her tone suggesting how dumb my move would’ve been.

“What if they get hurt, huh? You thought of that?“ I bark at her, narrowing my eyes and shaking my arm out of grasp.

“Oh, you’ll protect them?“ She scoffs, “Give me a break.“

“Guys, cut it out. This is the worst possible time to go at each other’s throats.“ Sam scolds us, breaking up our disagreement.

“What did you do?“ My gaze travels to each of the six guilty and worried faces in front of me. Well, four. Jess and Emily don’t seem too concerned.

I still can’t believe it. A prank. A goddamn prank is the reason why my girlfriend and a really good friend of mine are missing and presumably dead. These people apparently don’t have a shred of a conscience. Not all, but I’m surprised by how easily some took the loss of two friends of ours. 

It’s more than obvious Matt and Ashley will regret participating in that ‘prank’ for the rest of their lives, but Mike, Jess and Emily aren’t too troubled. Then there’s Sam...she regrets not preventing it. Josh regrets not being in the state to run after his sisters and protect them. I regret letting Emily keep me in that spot I was about to take off from to go after Beth. 

We all have regrets. We’ll all carry this and let it weigh us down cause we know how much we could’ve done but didn’t. Or...for some, how wrong much they did.

Believe it or not, it gets worse. And the guilt just keeps piling up. It doesn’t stop hurting, I’m afraid it never will. It. Keeps. Getting. Worse.

“It’s all over now. But it wouldn’t have even started had I spoken up about how uneasy the whole thing made me and everyone else feel. If I had just told him.....if I had just tried to stop him from.....non of this would’ve happened.”

I am being interrogated about the events of the most terrifying night I have ever and will ever experience. I can’t recollect what’s real and what’s not. For all my mind can comprehend I’m still in that lodge. Or I’m dead and this is my brain projecting the moments I thought I’d live through if I survived.

“He would have been ok. All of us would have been ok. I wouldn’t have lost him.“ I don’t try to stop my tears. Why would I? I’m not even sure these are real people in front of me. I’m not sure any of the past 24 hours is real. I’m not sure the specific reason why I’m crying either. It could be because my best friend is dead. It could be because I wasn’t there to prevent it from happening. Or maybe because I didn’t prevent anything. Had I just convinced, or at least tried to, we wouldn’t be here. Nor would we be like this. Broken. Petrified. Traumatized. “He’s fucking gone and I fucking let it happen! It’s all my fault!”

I believe that. It’s the truth that will forever remain an open wound for me. The crack in the broken mirror I’ve turned into.

I lost Beth. I lost Josh. I lost Hannah. All on the same date with just a year difference. I lost the people that defined who I am and who kept me together, reminding me that loneliness is temporary and curable. The cure? - good company. They were my company. They were my family. And now, the affliction is back, ready to kick my teeth in.

Worst part is - I could’ve done something. I should’ve done something, anything to at least try and prevent it all. 

It’s been about two hours since Ashley and Sam left my apartment. I haven’t stepped foot outside since we got back from the mountain which was a month ago. They come and check on me about twice a week to make sure I haven’t died of malnutrition or in my sleep after drinking too much.

I’m not exaggerating. I often forget or just don’t feel like eating. My body is 70% alcohol at all times. Sam, Ashley and Chris thought that if they refused to supply me with my only support I’d stop relying on it. The sad truth is - an addict always finds their way to the substance of their addiction. My neighbor is an addict so he understands me which is why he runs to the convenience store to get me a fix whenever I ask him to. 

Why I don’t leave my home? It’s a ridiculous and unsupported theory, but I’m afraid I might lose it and break down. I have small sprinkles of memories with my Josh and Beth all over the place, not only at home. I mean, I still sleep in the living room cause I can’t go in my bedroom. 

When I bought this apartment I got most of the décor with Beth’s help. I was actually planning to ask her to move in with me when on her birthday, after we got back from the getaway. I did, she didn’t, and despite living alone for the past four or so years, my apartment has felt empty ever since. When I told Josh that I didn’t like sleeping in my room because of all the flashbacks, he offered to help me redecorate. Now that has backfired as well.

I feel too exhausted to attempt redecorating again so I just keep out of my room unless it’s absolutely necessary. 

As I’m reaching for my cheap liquor in the kitchen cabinet the doorbell rings, sending a shock throughout my body that causes my arm to jerk away from the bottle. I’ve become a lot more responsive to sounds - even the tiniest noise gets me on edge and has me looking around like a terrified animal.

“Nice one, guys.“ I mumble to myself as I walk over to open the front door. It’s so much like Sam and Ashley to do a double visit to make sure I’m not half gone in a matter of two hours.

The big surprise I come face to face with is Emily standing on my doorstep. Emily of all people. 

If it’s not yet clear, we aren’t too fond of each other. I’m still holding the incident from two years ago against her. I try to steer clear of her and be as passive aggressive with her as possible. I know that if I spend too much time around her, paying attention to whatever bullshit comes out of her mouth I’ll lose my passiveness and turn to straight aggression. And I don’t wanna be that person. I mean, I am that person, but I don’t wanna act on it. It’s more real if others see how I feel.

“Hey...“ she says, shifting from one foot to the other awkwardly

“What’s up?“ I ask in my monotone, I-don’t-feel-like-talking voice. Honestly, I would’ve put in more effort if it was someone of the gang I’m actually close with, but Emily isn’t getting a crumb of enthusiasm out of me.

“Can I come in?“ she asks hesitantly, pointing at the hallway behind me

It’s an odd move on her part - both out of character and with an odd timing. Though, I don’t have a valid reason to say no. What can I say? ‘Sorry, no. I’m busy getting drunk so I don’t cry.’

“Um, sure.“ I shrug and step aside, allowing her room to pass by me and enter my apartment

She nods and walks in the living room, putting her jacket over the backrest of my reading chair. 

Emily in my apartment, especially on her own, is a bizarre sight. She’s only stepped foot in my place once and that was on the housewarming dinner party I held when I bought it, aka three years ago. 

As though she has read my mind, she says, “It’s been a while since I’ve been here. Not much has changed.”

“Yeah, I don’t like redecorating“ A pang in my chest makes me wince almost obviously. “Have a seat. Want something to drink?“

She shakes her head, settling down on the couch. “No, I’m good. Um...” she pauses. I can tell she’s struggling to say whatever’s troubling her. I can’t guess what it might be, but the least I can do is give her time to put the words together and then spit them out. Her nerves are clearly in overdrive as evidenced by her fidgety hands and lip-biting. “How are you holding up?”

Understanding aside, I feel a dose of anger start coursing my veins. My passiveness is giving way, I guess. Without it as a neutralizer for my powerful rage mixed with grief and guilt, I am a senseless person. I’m afraid of becoming that person. I can truly hurt someone and that’s the last thing I ever wish to do.

I shrug, “Better than Josh.“ The words are cold, giving off the vibe that I’m no longer bothered by any of what happened. We both know that’s not true. It’s just my way of getting the angry message across.

I notice her get even more nervous, her body stiffening. “Um...I know how it is...” My grip’s starting to slip. I can no longer contain it. All that’s been piling up, the water’s rising, spilling over the top of the dam that’s my composure. “I remember what you said...”

Momentarily, my nails stop digging into the flesh of my palms, my brows furrowing in confusion, “What did I say?”

“Uh, I...um...overheard what you said to Chris while we were in the basement.“ She stutters.

Oh, now I remember too.

“How are you keeping it all together?! How are you so calm?! Why aren’t you panicking more?!“ Chris is freaking out, his calm exterior is finally crumbling after so many long hours of terror. I’m surprised he has held onto his sanity for this long. But he’s finally snapping.

“Barely, Chris. Just barely.“ I grab his wrists, hindering him from yanking on his hair any longer. He lifts his head, looking at me with tired eyes. I somehow find it in me to give him an encouraging nod and smile when I say: “Believe me, when all this is over, I’ll be the one crying the hardest.“

“I was. I was crying. I was crying to the point of exhaustion. But no one was there which is just the way I like it. Guilty people cry on their own cause they know they don’t deserve to be comforted! I’m fucking guilty! And so are you! I wouldn’t be dealing with all this bullshit! My girlfriend and best friends would still be alive if you had just been a decent human being! Decent enough to leave the poor girl alone and not play with her emotions when you knew how strongly she felt about Mike! Decent enough to let me go when I wanted to go after them! You were probably right, I would’ve probably been just as helpless as them and died right then and there! But I would’ve been there! Beth wouldn’t have felt that fear without me! I wouldn’t have to go on without her! And now Josh is gone too! All because of what you, Jessica and Michael did!“ I feel blood oozing out of the small cuts I’ve created on my palms, but I don’t care. “You say you couldn’t have known that would happen, and even though you’re right, you’re far from being justified! Friends don’t do that to each other! I’m mad on mine, Beth’s, Hannah’s and Josh’s behalf! And I think I forever will be!“

I open my hands to see the bloody mess they’ve become as a result of the overwhelming emotional pain. Something a lot like adrenaline is preventing me from feeling the stinging I should be feeling but I hate that I can’t feel anything. I want to feel physical pain, it’s better than emotional. That one you can’t bandage up and call it a day.

I look up at Emily who looks like she’s reliving everything just by looking at me and my bloodied hands. I can’t find it in me to apologize, especially not right now. Maybe in an hour or so when I will be able to hear my rational thoughts over the heart’s violent thumping. 

Tears roll down her cheeks as she reaches for my hands over the coffee table between us. I want to pull away, but the comfort I feel when her fingers make contact with mine is something I’ve been longing for, I can’t act on my instinct.

“I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry, Y/N. I can’t begin to imagine how empty this world feels to you now. Non of us can even try to fill the void Josh and Beth left behind in your life. But....there’s something I want to do for you. Something I think will help you.“

I can’t look at her. It kills me knowing I’m the reason behind her tears. I keep my gaze on our touching hands instead. “What could possibly help me?” I let out a choked whisper. Pretty sure I’d be crying right now, but I have lost the ability to do so.

“I-...I didn’t tell you back at the lodge, but I found Beth’s body in the mines. I mentioned it in my interview after we were rescued. I was convincing enough to get them to agree to go and investigate. I heard back from them two days ago...“ she stops to sniffle and wipe her eyes, “They indeed found her body. They made her a proper grave close to where the lodge was. You can go say your goodbyes now. It may not be how you’d want to, but it’s better than nothing.“

A tear falls from my arm directly on a scar I have on my arm. A scar from that night. “I don’t think I can. I can’t go back there. I can’t say goodbye. I knew it was empty wishing, but I had the tiniest hope they’d be found. Saying goodbye will confirm that I’ve lost her. I don’t know if I’m ready for that.”

Her grip on my hands tightens, “You don’t have to do it alone.” something about the way she says that forces me to look up and meet her eyes. “I’ll be with you every step of the way. It’s the least I can do for you.”

I shake my head, “Don’t feel like you owe me anything cause you don’t, Em. If anything, you owe it to Beth, not me.”

“I don’t feel like I owe you.“ I haven’t seen her this vulnerable and this humanly fragile before, “You mean a lot to me, Y/N. More than you realize. More than I realized. I want to do this for you because I care for you deeply. Y/N, I...“ her words die down, replaced by a sob, “It’s overwhelming. A lot like falling in love, but I don’t wanna call it that. I don’t wanna scare you or push you away. Not now that I’ve nearly lost you so many times.“

My chest tightens. There’s a lot less space for the air my lungs are desperately trying to grab ahold of. There’s only something similar to what Em just mentioned - the fear and excitement of slowly falling for someone. Not just anyone. Someone you never thought you’d fall for.

“I need time, Em. I can’t guarantee that even time will change much in me. I hope you understand and not expect much from me cause I can’t promise anything anymore.“ 

“I don’t need you to promise me anything. All I’m asking is for you to let me be there for you, now and in the long run. And...let me come with you when you say your goodbye. I don’t want you feeling so much sorrow on your own. Know that no matter what you’re feeling, you can always give half of it to me so it doesn’t break you.”

I have a tough time wrapping my head around the fact that this is the same Emily I wanted to scream at and smack across the face just ten minutes ago. Or you know, the whole time I’ve known her. But I’m a believer in chances and the power they have when it comes to positive change in a person.

“That I think I’ll be able to do.“ I nod, giving her the same smile I gave Beth, Josh and Chris back at the lodge. The ‘we’re sinking, but at least we’re not sinking alone’ smile. She gives me a similar one in return and I know my message has been sent across clear as day.

[biaswreckermagnet]

Fate: The Winx Saga - My Thoughts and Critique - Part 1: Characters

Be warned: The following post will be quite long as I have a lot to say. Please note that this is all my personal opinion and this is just the thoughts and critique of someone that has watched the original Winx Club several time and I have watched the new Winx Saga, and this is in no way a blind hatred based on only word of mouth and seeing half a trailer. Enjoy

I will be comparing this new series to the original 4Kids version, as this is the version I hold close to my heart and grew up watching. So if there are any plot differences I describe from the animation, it is probably due to the slight changes made in the Nick Dub, which some people will know best (example, in 4Kids dub, Aisha’s name is Layla, and Sparks is known as Domino in the Nick dub)

CHARACTERS

Well, I have a lot to say about the characters, just like anyone else. I’ll break down, the casting, compare the character to the animation, and their personality in the Netflix series.

Bloom

The actress chosen in my opinion was a good choice. The problem I have, is her personality.  They got the determination and hot-head traits right, of course. But in the animation, Bloom is warm, friendly and bubbly. Easy-going and popular among her peers. I don’t know if they were trying to appeal to the oh-so-angsty teenagers that don’t want to go outside and have few friends. The typical “I’m not like other girls” trope. Tropes are popular, and as someone who has written stories in the past, I have used that trope once, but usually it’s a trope I like when it’s to show the character’s beauty compared to others who may be catty and selfish; not so beautiful on the inside. Here, to me, Bloom is just unlikable. She may be angsty and a rebellious teen, blah blah blah, but she was so rude to people like her Earth mother, and inconsiderate of her own actions and how it could affect those around her. Even if Aisha told her “That is a bad idea, you’re going to regret it” she runs along and does it anyway, and then she gets into a bad situation which also affects everyone, Even if she helps clean up the mess, damage is still done.

In Fate, Bloom’s relationship with her parents is not amazing. Yes, she’s an angsty, rebellious teen who almost kills them because she lost control of her power, but I found this cold, rude relationship so unnecessary.  As a teen, sometimes it may seem like no one is listening nor can understand,  parents just seem nosy and overbearing, but communication is key. That’s what I find so many shows are missing now: communication.

Looking at Bloom’s relationship with her parents in the animation, it’s not only simpler for them to know from the start that she has powers, but it makes the communication between both parties better. This strong relationship Bloom and her parents have is always present, but we see the beauty of it in Season 1, episode 13, “Meant to Be” when Mike and Vanessa sit her down and talk to her about how they realised she had magic before that fateful meeting with Stella.

There is none of that warmth and love now. Bloom curses at her mother, gives her attitude and is overall just a brat.  Bloom may feel remorse towards herself for burning her mother, but then, why is the attitude towards her so ugly? I really don’t like it.

Aisha/Layla

Next is Aisha, who is the only character that was not whitewashed from the original. The only reason I think she wasn’t is because the creators of Winx Saga knew there would be a true uproar if they dared to replace her with someone non-black.

She is the general voice of reason in the group, and the babysitter of Bloom and company. She will support and be the shoulder for Bloom to lean on in a few cases, but generally she’s the only one calling Bloom out for being rash and insensible, but then she gets ignored or sneered at for it, despite rbeing the only one with awareness for consequences.

There isn’t much to compare to with her animated version except for her being athletic; made very obvious in episode one where she says “I swim twice a day, every day”. (Even though that is the only episode we see her following said routine.) Other than that, her backstory is not expanded upon like the animation, obviously due to the lack of screen time and actual length of the Netflix series, therefore for me, I didn’t really bond with her character like in the original.

Stella

The actress is pretty. Not too hard to cast a pretty blonde in a series. Moving on.

In the original Winx, I adore Stella. She’s bubbly, she’s fun, she’s bright. Literally the sunshine of the group. Yes, she has her snooty privileged princess moments, but she is a likable snooty, privileged princess. Why? She showed that she really does care for her friends. Stella can be self-centered and insecure, but she’s never afraid to say that she’s wrong when she realises her mistakes. This is shown several times, but right now I can speak of two instances: Season 1, Episode 8 “Spelled”. Technically, she was under a spell that made her moody and rude, but she still knew she had to set things right after upsetting Musa. Another memorable moment for me when she showed her caring side was during the girls’ stay at the no-magic resort in Season 2, episode 21 ““Trouble in Paradise”. She went after Aisha/ Layla to check if she was all right, they connected and Stella earned her Charmix. Overall, Stella in the animation has her flaws, but she is loved by all and she herself loves the people she’s close to.

However, Stella in Winx Saga, I detest. I was really disappointed with what they did to her character. Honestly, it would have made more sense if she was Diaspro (Sky’s ex-fiance from season 1 and 3) and not Stella. She’s  a snob, rude and dismissive of others’ feelings. They did try to toss a sympathy card at our faces later when they eplained the reason why Winx Saga Stella is so - her toxic, overbearing and abusive mother - but honestly, maybe it was because it happened so fast because of the limited time, butI was not feeling any sympathy towards her. I felt like I should have, but I couldn’t. I hope her character changes in Season 2, if I even bother watching it, because I was enormously disappointed with Stella’s new persona for this first season.  The Solaria ring was nice enough though.

Musa

Well, here we go. One of the infamous whitewashing cases.  To tell the truth, I'm not surprised but disappointed that it acueallyhappened. You mean to tell me they couldn't find any capable Asian actresses for Musa? Yes, small production and low budget, but still. If you are going to make a live action for a cast that is well loved, respected and recognised for the diversity, you should keep it. It just feels like they do it on purpose at this point.

 Winx Club Musa I like a lot. I love all the girls, but she's just so laid-back and cool, but she's not afraid to call someone out for being unfair or on their attitude (namely Stella most times). She cares for her friends and she cares for Riven. She's family oriented and she's so passionate about music.

 In Winx Saga, she's a mind fairy who used to be a dancer and listens to music with headphones to block out the emotions of people around her when she gets overwhelmed. Interesting new concept and it comes in handy for the new show material. I wouldn't say she was completely unlikable in the WS series but there wasn't anything much besides her ability and that she and Sam (Terra's brother) had somehting more than a fling going on. They were a nice couple. Good chemistry in kisses. I don't know why they decided to not make Riven her man - who knows what the plan is. Riven was not hers in the beginning of the animation either, but we saw a great bond form later on. Their relationship had problems unlike the other Winx couples, but they still are a fan favourite. Let's see how this new match goes I guess?

Flora/Terra

Terra We all know she's supposed to be Flora, no matter how they try to spin it. Before anyone says she's a different character so it's not whitewashing, I have seen a video on Youtube where a girl explains that in actuality, it was supposed to be Flora because there are (now deleted) clips of characters talking to Flora, not Terra. And the adresses portfolio said she was to play Flora. They seemed to change it to avoid heating up the hot water they had already landed themselves into.

Therefore, I will be comparing Terra and Flora. I was extremely disappointed when I saw the trailer and realised Flora was clearly not there. I am not usually one to care whether or not someone looks like me in a show, but I do relate to Flora. I may not always be one that likes to get close to nature honestly, but everything else about her I relate to. I love pink a lot, I am a mixed race person so her looks are what I identify with the most, and our personalities are quite similar. 

Terra, on the other hand, is obviously white. The love of plants is there and her sweet and gentle personality is there. Though, it doesn’t get much time to shine because whenever she speaks, she’s either cut off or ignored, unless she’s spouting information the others want to hear at the moment.  They did make her quite chatty, and at times even I was a bit annoyed, not because she was chatty, but because that trait just seemed to be a gateway for the scriptwriters to hit you with details about Alfea and its history, and information about fairies without making much effort. Terra didn’t have much screen time, but whenever she was on screen, she was always the butt of a joke and treated poorly. When the situation became dire, she did have some moments of strength, but then the other characters still treated her the same so it seems meaningless.

One main reason Terra stands out to the audience is the fact that she’s the only plus-sized character. I’m all for representation, but I don’t like where they went with Terra. She’s shown to be insecure about her body (shown when she avoids her roommates to change alone). Yes, she’s supposed to be a teen who has heard non-directed comments about weight by other characters, but why couldn’t they make her a confident plus-sized girl? I have plenty of friends that are plus-sized and confident about themselves, older or younger. In media, it’s rare enough to see a plus-sized person, but also one that has confidence. This show is directed to teens, and those who may look and feel the same as Terra won’t have a good example set for themselves to be more confident. If you’re going to include a certain figure in your story, yes, everyone has insecurities and all, but if you have the power to shine light and empower, do it right!

Sky

One reason why I bothered watching the show. Danny Griffin. The man playing Sky. Iin the original Winx, I did not really care for Sky as I’m not really into the long blonde hair, I prefer shorter hair. So I was quite pleased to see this casting as it fits more into my personal type.

Anyways, let’s continue.

I found that the casting was done well for Sky. A hot blonde warrior that can wield weapons well? They nailed it. However, that’s kind of where it ended for me. Due to the plot, his character was pretty much ruined for me. Winx Saga Sky was sadly unremarkable personality-wise. The story didn’t allow for much expansion for him besides having the hots for Bloom and the whole boo-hoo story about his father. There was something of a nice relationship with his mentor, but I’ll get to that later.

Danny Griffin’s performance was quite good. My only issue was one part of his first appearance where his first few lines. . .sounded like lines. Not so much the result of bad acting, but it just was another case of sounding like lines written for a script than natural conversation. But I only really saw that in the first episode, and since everyone would have been getting into character at that time I can let it pass. Otherwise, he performed well as an actor.

Riven

Winx Club Riven does not have the best first impression. According to Musa, he’s “a little rough around the edges, but that’s kind of his charm”. He’s a troubled, moody guy who falls for the wrong girl. He has a very competitive side, especially with Sky, who always manages to beat him in combat. He is indeed often arrogant of his abilities, but he proved himself to not be just all talk during his escape from imprisonment in Cloud Tower during Season 1, and even Sky admitted to being impressed with his knowledge of survival and strategies, even going so far as to say he always thought Riven was the “Red Fountain Slacker”. Animated Riven also has a sweet side that was displayed in season 2 when he comforted Musa during the girls’ first mission to Shadowhaunt, and much more so after they started dating. He expressed how much he cared for Musa in shy but blunt ways. Flawed, but a character that developed throughout the series.

Winx Saga completely threw that out of the window. Riven is now just a clown that does bad boy things. He’s clearly still being portrayed as the “edgy” character with troubles and insecurities, but the rest of the show is so aggressively dark and edgy that he really has no way to stand out anymore. I don’t know what they’re planning to do with his characterr later on, but I really dislike what they did to him. The only thing done right is his competitive nature towards Sky. Side note, this is also my personal preference, but I must add that I am not feeling the minimal facial hair. I’d prefer a clean shaven face. The little spikes just looks messy. But then, facial hair always looks messy to me. 

Faragonda

Faragonda. Or as she is known now, Farah Dowling. I’m not sure what to say for her. The actress did well, I can say that. The problem always lies with the characters themselves.

 Faragonda is a beloved headmistress that always has an eye out for her students, whether she watches them through her magic mirror in her office or just personally. She gives them enough guidance so they can grow on their own and helps them when she sees the need to. However, she is also strict when needed and will not condone disobedience; this was seen in season 1 when the Winx were punished for breaking into Cloud Tower to get Stella’s ring from the Trix. She is a brave, just and kind woman, well suited for a principal position.

Farah Dowling does not have much besides her position. She’s very secretive and those secrets seem to be there to cause drama when it could have ben avoided. It could be an irrational thought process that humans have, but I’d expect that from someone who hasn’t experienced much in life. The type of past Farah has, she should know better than to keep secrets if she knows it can put the whole school in danger. Her lack of disciplinary action was evident, whether it was the scene of a villain making their move or Bloom blatantly disobeying orders and making choices that moved the plot forward a bit. It was odd to see that even if she knew this person went dilly-dallying in her office or broke a rule, ut wasn’t met with discipline unless something really bad happened. Whereas, we all know that in a school setting, small rule breaking is also punished. I did like the part in the last episode when she and Bloom finally had a warm interaction, I found it very sweet and it was nice to finally have her interact with Bloom without having to expect some impending doom to arise in the next scene.

Beatrix

We did not get the stylish trio we know and love for Winx Saga, but I must say, I was not disappointed by Sadie Soverall. She portrayed the character really well.

She’s a blending of the famous Trix. She’s cunning and does not let anyone get in her way, much like Icy. Seductive like Darcy and I’d say she has Stormy’s malicious nature. (I mean the Trix are all malicious but Stormy generally could let her viciousness rule her judgement). As well as the fact that her power kind of looks like electric bolts, like Stormy’s.

A manipulator that was being manipulated. She’s icy cold, cunning and she knows who she should attach herself to in order to reach her goals. Just a sub-villain I say, but I enjoyed the character. Minus the odd little plots her character was mixed into, which I will discuss later.

Rosalind

A new character who so far seems like the puppet master of all the characters - both good and evil sides. A master manipulator and charismatic. Very enjoyable to watch despite her short screen time. She was the one person that actually had me excited to know what was going to happen next. Very well performed in my opinion.

Mike

The only time I saw this actor truly in character was in the last episode when he was wearing this blue shirt. He really looked like Mike. It may always be necessary to dress a character exactly like the original, but some things are just subtle and yet iconic. Imagine Shaggy from Scooby-Doo without his green shirt and brown pants combo. It wouldn’t feel like him. Otherwise he’s quite a basic looking man so not too hard to cast. I do think this actor really matched Mike though - looks wise, at least.

With Mike, there are less interactions with Bloom besides having very basic “How are you doing?”conversations. There’s a lame joke here and there but nothing really worth commenting over.here now The focus when it came to mentioning the parents in Winx Saga was mostly to Vanessa.

Vanessa

Vanessa in the original series is warm, loving and a good mother.  She and Bloom have a strong relationship and have great communication between them, and Bloom not only respects her but also goes to Vanessa when she needs advice and support. The ideal mother-daughter bond.

Date’s Vanessa is more. . .trying to be a good mother but not quite nailing it. As I mentioned during Bloom’s analysis, she’s met with hostility or downright rudeness if she even mentions going out and making friends to her daughter. There were a few moments when it could have been touching to see thieir interactions, but apart from the scene when Bloom was feeling homesick, it felt a bit rushed. Perhaps it was the acting, perhaps it was that the awkward interactions overruled the positive ones, but the Winx Saga relationship between Bloom and Vanessa didn’t feel as connected.

In conclusion, mot of the acting was well done. The issues I have were mostly due to the writing of the characters, not the ability of the actors.

Other minor characters will be analysed during the plot discussion.

[eldritchsurveys]

984.

1. When was the last time someone saw you naked? >> That’s a good question. Sparrow sees me in various states of undress sometimes, but I don’t remember the last time I was fully naked long enough to be seen by anyone. The only time I’m nude is when I’m in the shower or putting on moisturiser directly after said shower (which I do in my room).

2. If you could bring someone back from the dead and spend an hour with them, who would it be and what would you do/say? >> I don’t want to do this. I wouldn’t want to do that to the person, either, like... that sounds traumatic as fuck. (Now, if it were an Inworld type of situation, that’d be way different.)

3. What is the greatest loss you’ve endured? >> Various aspects of myself, I guess. But maybe they’re not truly lost. I have no way of knowing right now.

4. How would you describe your current mood? >> Neutral. I am rarely in an actual mood of any sort when I get this question, obviously -- I tend to only do surveys when I’m in this state, because it’s hard to focus on survey questions (or anything, really) if I’m actively having an emotion.

5. When was the last time you did something you were embarrassed by? >> I don’t remember.

6. What was the last thing you lied about? >> I don’t know, lying isn’t something I normally do -- unless lying by omission counts, because I don’t say literally everything that I’m thinking or tell everyone literally everything about a situation. Or whatever.

7. Where is your favorite place to have sex? >> Inworld.

8. What is your earliest memory? >> I have a vague impression of being on the floor of a dog breeder’s house? When we got my childhood dog Roxie, I guess.

9. Do you ever drink or get high alone? >> I often drink alone just because I’m in the house alone during the times when I’m most likely to drink. I like to just vibe, and not have to worry about “putting on my human suit” or whatever. Sometimes I like to be weird and dreamy or dance-y and vibrant when I’m intoxicated and I like to have space to do that.

10. What type of a drunk are you? >> I don’t know, I haven’t been drunk in a long time. I think at this point in my life I’m probably just a sleepy, cranky drunk. Which is partly why I don’t drink nearly enough to get there, lol.

11. What song (or a few songs, whatever) means a lot to you and why? >> Death is the Road to Awe means a lot to me because The Fountain as a whole means a lot to me and the music is a big part of that whole yarn-ball of meaningfulness. It’s something I really can’t explain. The feelings I have about the movie and the song are on the “this is actually kind of painful in its intensity” level of emotional connection.

12. When was the last time you revealed your feelings for someone? Were they accepted or rejected? >> I don’t remember. Revealing my feelings isn’t a common activity here in Mordredland, as I’m sure is obvious, and I rarely have any remarkable (or share-able) feelings about people anyway.

13. What was the reason behind your last visit to the hospital? >> I think the last time I was in a hospital was when Sparrow’s sister had her child.

14. How do you tend to deal with a breakup? >> ---

15. What is the “worst” drug you’ve done? Are there any you will never try, or any you want to try? >> I don’t classify drugs this way, so I don’t know how to answer this question. The drug I know I will never try is crack, and a drug I am interested in trying is shrooms.

16. What is something you’ve done that you truly regret? >> ---

17. What does it mean to you to be a good person? Do you feel you are a good person? >> I am uninterested in the “good person” designation. I just want to be valuable to and loved by a few people, maybe. That’d be nice.

18. What is your philosophy on life/how do you generally choose to live or conduct yourself? >> I don’t think I have an overall life philosophy, because that seems terribly impractical at best. Life is so complex. Maybe that’s a philosophy -- rejoice in and value the complexity of life. *shrug* 

19. Do you view animals as being just as important as people? Why or why not? >> Hmm. I think a living thing should be allowed to live out its life and not be abused or willfully subjected to conditions that disrupt its quality of life. That’s really it, though.

20. When was the last time you were up all night and why? >> I don’t remember the last time that happened.

21. What is the worst thing you’ve done to yourself? What is the worst thing someone else has done to you? >> I don’t know what the worst thing I’ve done to myself is, but one not-great thing I’ve done to myself is become a chronic self-injurer. One not-great thing someone else has done to me is, well, I don’t know, physically abuse me repeatedly?

22. What is the most personal thing you’re willing to reveal? >> I’m not sure.

23. What made you stop talking to the last person you cut out of your life? >> The fact that he emotionally abused me, probably. That’ll do it.

24. Is there a situation or person you haven’t been able to get over/forgive? >> There are a lot of things I haven’t “gotten over” because their traumatic nature changed the way I am as a person and now I have to deal with that. I don’t really see a point in forgiveness, personally -- what I do see a point is forgiving myself and treating myself better than I’ve been treated.

25. Who was the last person to yell at you? Did you yell back? >> I don’t remember.

26. Where did your last injury come from? >> I don’t know! I just have this random gouge on my finger, like someone just took a small sample of my skin.

27. What are some kinks or turn-ons you have, if any? >> Trying to describe the things I like is hard because 1) it’s often dependent on context and 2) it’s more... specific kinds of things happening in specific kinds of situations and I don’t want to like, have to lay out a whole scenario, lol.

28. What are you like during arguments? >> I have an insanely heightened physical response to conflict, for some reason (I say “for some reason” like I’m not literally post-traumatic, but I don’t know what exactly contributed to this particular symptom) -- crazy heartbeat, flushed skin, shaking, the whole nine. So I guess I’d say I go full monkey-brain during arguments and I tend to do/say whatever will get me the fuck out of the situation because I cannot process anything but “I’m in danger and these people are dangerous and did I mention DANGER”. I’ve been working on trying to express myself rationally during perceived-conflict or actual-conflict situations, but it’s a long process and mostly I just try to avoid getting into the position to begin with.

29. What is the worst thing you have said to another person? >> *shrug* Who knows.

30. Where do you like to be kissed? >> Everywhere, when a person I’m available to in that way is doing it. (So, Inworlders.)

31. What is more difficult for you, looking into someones eyes when you are telling someone how you feel, or looking into someones eyes when they are telling you how they feel? >> I don’t look into people’s eyes, period. It’s the practice of eye contact itself that is inconceivably difficult for me.

32. Think of the last time you were REALLY angry. WHY were you angry? Do you still feel the same way? >> I really don’t remember the last time I was legitimately furious (and not just using bluster to suppress a more vulnerable feeling).

33. You are on a flight from Honolulu to Chicago non-stop. There is a fire in the back of the plane. You have enough time to make ONE phone call. Who do you call? What do you tell them? >> Why was I in Honolulu, though...? I need more context for this situation that I cannot imagine myself in.

34. You are at the doctor’s office and he has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? What do you do with your remaining days? Would you be afraid? >> Well, obviously I tell my spouse, and then I guess... some people I hang out with online? I don’t know what I would do with my remaining days because I can’t imagine what it’s like to be in that situation and how it would change my priorities. And, of fucking course I’d be afraid.

35. You can have one of the following two things. Which do you choose? Why? Usually when someone says that, a list of two things would follow. <--

36. You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late even once more, you are fired. Do you take the time to save the dogs life? Why or Why not? >> I don’t work, so that’s the first problem with this question. In a general sense, though, I would probably risk a consequence of that caliber in order to try to save a life if I can. (I don’t know about this specific situation, though, because I can’t swim...)

37. Would you rather be hurt by the one you trust the most or the one you love the most? >> It’s people that I trust and love (those are the same thing, sorry, I don’t get how they can be separate *shrug*) that would have the best chance of hurting me, because of the emotional attachment...

38. Your best friend confesses that he/she has feelings for you more than just friendship. He/she is falling in love with you. What do you (or did you) do/say? >> ---

39. Think of the last person who you know that died. You have the chance to give them 1 hour of life back, but you have to give up one year of yours. Do you do it? Why or Why not? >> No, man, we went through this already in an earlier question. No matter how you present the circumstances, I’m not bringing anyone back from the dead, period.

40. Are you the kind of friend that you would want to have as a friend? >> Well, I don’t know???

41. Does love = sex? >> Inworld, it does, because that’s just how it works for Us.

42.Your boss tells your coworker that they have to let them go because of work shortage, and they are the newest employee. You have been there much longer. Your coworker has a family to support and no other means of income. Do you go to your boss and offer to leave the company? Why or Why not? >> ---

43.When was the last time you told someone HONESTLY how you felt regardless of how difficult it was for you to say? Who was it? What did you have to tell the person? >> I haven’t done that in a long time, idk.

44. What would be (or what was) harder for you to tell a member of the opposite sex, you love them or that you do not love them back? >> I think the “I don’t love you back” conversation would be way harder, lmao. People get really upset about that sort of thing.

45. What do you think would be the hardest thing for you to give up? Why would it be hard to lose? >> *shrug*?? 

46. Excluding romantic love, when was the last time you told someone you loved them. Who were they to you? >> ---

47. If there was one moment and one time in the last month what would you change and why? >> No.

48.Imagine it is a dark night, you are alone, it is raining outside, you hear someone walking around outside your window. WHO do you wish was there with you? >> My apartment is on the third floor... my biggest concern would be “how the fuck is this person walking on air???” I don’t know why I’d want anyone in particular with me -- why, so we can both be killed by this apparent superhuman? lmao.

49. Would you give a homeless person CPR if they were dying? Why or Why not? >> If I felt confident in my ability to perform CPR, I might. I think it’s mostly the fear that I’m going to do it wrong and... idk, kill the person quicker? that would prevent me from doing it. It does sound vaguely irrational when I write it out like that, but hey.

50.You are holding onto your grandmother’s hand and the hand of a newborn that you do not know as they hang over the edge of a cliff. You have to let one go to save the other. Who do you let fall to their death? What was your rationale for making the decision? >> ---

51. Are you old fashioned? >> No.

52. When was the last time you were nice to someone and did NOT expect anything in return for it? >> I’m not “nice to” people. I just treat people with basic respect and consideration, and of course I expect that in return...

53.Which would you choose, true love with a guarantee of a broken heart, or never loved at all? Why? >> ---

54.If you could do anything or wish anything, what would it be? >> ---

55. What was the last thing you ate? >> A few toasted vanilla Smashmallows.

56. What kind of guys are you usually attracted to? >> ---

57. What’s the stupidest thing that’s happened to you that ended a friendship? >> I don’t think any of the things that ended my friendships were stupid. It just sucked.

58. What’s the longest amount of time you’ve had sex for? >> Inworld, probably... an hour and a half, maybe 2 hours? Outworld, I don’t remember or care.

59. What reality shows do you watch? >> I don’t think I watch any. I’m trying to think if anything I’ve watched on purpose qualifies as “reality” and I... don’t think so? Untold Stores of the ER is basically just dramatisations of allegedly-real stories, so maybe that’s the closest thing to reality tv that I watch? Man, I do love that show. Oh, wait, those cooking shows! Those are reality TV, right? Okay, yeah, I watch stuff like that.

60. Post a video of yourself here: >> No.

61. Where do you work? >> ---

62. Have you ever gone up to a car thinking it was yours and tried to get in it? >> ---

63. Where do you buy most of your clothes? >> I don’t have a designated place where I buy most of my clothes. I shop for clothes so infrequently that it’s really just “wherever has the specific item that I want”.

64. If you were very intelligent and had the capability to have any profession, what would you like to be? Getting tired of the unrealistic hypotheticals. <-- My constant mood with surveys.

65. What’s your most irrational fear? >> ---

66. How many radio stations do you listen to? >> Zero.

67. What kind of music do they have? >> ---

68. Would you rather go to Greece or Hawaii? >> Oh, but I would go to either...

69. Musicals: Yay or Nay? >> Yay :)

70. What are the next concerts you’ll be going to? >> Ha! Hilarious.

71. What was the last conversation you had with your best friend about? >> ---

72. Are you one of those people that LOVE to hug others? >> Inworld I will spend all day cuddling if I can. Outworld, I legitimately cannot remember the last time I initiated a hug with someone. It’s been years.

[thesunnyshow]

Name: Qiu

Writing Blog URL(s):

@juyeonzz

@the32ndbeat

Age: 19

What fandom(s) do you write for? 

The Boyz and NCT + WayV 

When did you post your first piece?

I posted something way back in September 2019 but then went on a long 9 month hiatus and came back on June 3rd 2020!

Do you write fluff/angst/crack/general/smut, combo, etc? Why?

I write anything except smut and certain themes like disorders or abuse because I’m not too comfortable writing it yet and I don’t want to write it wrong and potentially anger or offend people. 

Do you write OCs, X Readers, Ships...etc?

I write x readers!

Why did you start writing on Tumblr? 

I started writing because I’ve always loved to write and have been doing so since I was little. I got introduced to the writing community on tumblr when I was just aimlessly surfing one day and I remember reading the ‘To All The Boys I Loved Before’ series written by @theboyz-engup and was just so inspired that I made my own The Boyz blog to begin writing. I got into NCT sometime during my hiatus so when I came back from it, I started to write for NCT too.

What inspires you to write? 

The feedback most definitely, shows and books I’ve read and watched too but mostly feedback.

What genres/AUs do you enjoy writing the most?

I like writing angst although most of my works tend to be more fluffy...

What do you hope your readers take away from your work? 

Ah, my works are generally pretty simple but I guess I’d want them to just get immersed in the story like how I was as I was writing it!

What do you do when you hit a rough spot creatively? 

I just watch Netflix or browse through Youtube, sometimes watching videos other times listening to music to find inspo.

What is your favorite work and why? Your most successful? 

My favourite (published) work so far would probably be ‘Wedding bells’ on my tbz account and my Doyoung timestamp at 11:11am on my nct account! My most successful generally would be a Sunwoo timestamp at 11:22pm.

Who is your favorite person to write about? 

For NCT + WayV, I’d have to say Doyoung. For The Boyz, I would say maybe Jacob?

Do you think there’s a difference between writing fanfiction vs. completely original prose? 

Yeah, I guess so. I think when we write fanfiction, we already have an idea of what sort of personality our idols have and we keep that in mind when we write for them but for completely original prose, you create your own characters so in a way, you have to think a little bit deeper for how you want your OC to act or talk.

What do you think makes a good story? 

Sweet and simple description rather than ones that are overly detailed? A story with good flow is good!

What is your writing process like?

Hm, I usually start off with choosing a song on youtube to listen to as I write or I’d have a movie or show playing in the background ( usually it’s Friends these days ) then I’d start writing. I tend to write only at night or have more motivation at night, I’m not too sure why either. 

Would you ever repurpose a fic into a completely original story?

Sure, why not? It’d be interesting but also a little difficult to start to imagine a completely original character in the story since I’d be very used to thinking of the idol who was previously a character in the story.

What tropes do you love, and what tropes can’t you stand?

I love the enemies to lovers trope! I think it’s really interesting because you start off hating each other and it’s cool to see how that gradually progresses to love. I don’t have a lot of tropes I hate but I’ve never really been able to write about werewolves or vampires? It’s just not my thing at all. 

How much would you say audience feedback/engagement means to you?

Oh, it means everything to me! Sometimes when I’m down or unmotivated, I always go back to checking out reblogs or kind things people have said about my works and I’d feel like writing again. It’s like feeling rejuvenated and gaining inspiration to continue with my wips.

What has been one of the biggest factors of your success (of any size)?

I won’t consider myself very successful ^^” although I must say that I’m growing faster than I expected. I think it’s probably because I do update consistently but I’m not sure if that’s going to change once I start school.

Nationality: Singaporean

Languages: English and Mandarin Chinese

Star Sign: Cancer sun ( Not sure if this is relevant but Leo moon and Libra rising too!)

MBTI: INTJ-T

Favorite color: Black

Favorite food: Chocolate cake!

Favorite movie: Spy or Venom ( I can’t choose )

Favorite ice cream flavor: Cookies and cream

Favorite animal: Wolf

Go-to karaoke song: Love Story by Taylor Swift? 

Dream job (whether you have a job or not)?

Professor or an investigative journalist ( Might consider aiming for medical school after uni though… ) 

Coffee or tea? What are you ordering? 

Tea! I really like green tea or jasmine tea.

If you could have one superpower, what would you choose? 

Telepathy

If you could visit a historical era, which would you choose? 

1940s

If you could restart your life, knowing what you do now, would you? 

Yeah, I guess I would. There are a lot of things I’d like to change.

Would you rather fight 100 chicken-sized horses or one horse-sized chicken? 

Oh man, like a 100 chicken-sized horses for sure. A horse-sized chicken? I’d die with one peck.

 If you were a trope in a teen high school movie, what would you have been? 

That one loner kid probably… I’m generally pretty quiet in school.

Do you believe in aliens/supernatural creatures? Nope, not really. 

If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be? 

I’m quite content here in Singapore but I’d love to be able to live in the USA, New York or in the UK, London for once in my life.

Fun fact about yourself that not everyone would know?

I am afraid of the dark.

Do you think fanfic writers get unfairly judged?

Yeah, and I don’t really understand why.

Do you think art can be a medium for change?

Sure, it can be! I think art is sometimes able to tell stories that can’t be told verbally. It moves people in a way and I think it can be used to truly express the artist’s message to their audience.

Do you ever feel there are times when you’re writing for others, rather than yourself?

Honestly, sometimes when I’m unmotivated but mostly no. I love whatever I’m writing when I’m writing it for the most part.

Do you ever feel like people have misunderstood you or your writing at times?

No? At least not that I know of.

Do your offline friends/loved ones know you write for Tumblr?

They do but they don’t know my URL.

What is one thing you wish you could tell your followers?

Thank you so much for believing in me and appreciating my work! I am grateful for every single one of you guys and you are all my motivation to keep writing and produce better written works. Without you all, writing is somewhat duller and hearing that you guys like the work I put out means the world to me. I love you guys!!

Do you have any advice for aspiring writers who might be too scared to put themselves out there?

Don’t be! We all start somewhere and taking that first step may be a little daunting at first but I promise that what follows is going to be magical. You’re going to be able to gain a lot of inspiration and friends, you are going to be able to greatly improve your writing but what’s best is that you’ll feel like you are now part of a writing family on tumblr! Do not be afraid of showcasing your works because there is always bound to be an audience for it and even if your writing style doesn’t suit someone, there’s definitely another group of readers who will love every single piece of work you publish ^^

Are there any times when you regret joining Tumblr?

Nope! I hope I never do.

Do you have any mutuals who have been particularly formative/supportive in your Tumblr journey?

YES and I love every single one of them. Thank you to @jenocakes @atbzkingdom @chaoticdeobi @hae-sicheng @moondustaeil @ihearttbz @badwithten @glossyjaems @lovely-kpop-writer @jopping-to-my-kpop! There are a few more but these are just the ones that pop up in my mind first.

Pick a quote to end your interview with: I’m horrible with quotes but.. ‘My philosophy is that worrying means you suffer twice’ by Newt Scamander! It’s one of my favourites since I find that I worry a lot and doubt myself too often so thinking about this makes me calmer.

[rwdestuffs]

The show as a whole, and this blog moving forward.

Nothing is perfect.

Literally nothing. Take your favorite series. A comic book, a video game, a movie, television show, a manga series, or a book series, and you’ll eventually find someone who says that there was a problem with it.

Nothing is total garbage either. Take your least favorite series, and you’ll eventually come across someone who took valuable and good lessons from it.

Take TeamFourStar for example. On multiple occasions, they have made fun of Dragonball and have criticized decisions made by Akira Toriyama. This is despite them being huge fans of the franchise as a whole. They acknowledge that what they like isn’t perfect, and they’re not afraid to point out the flaws in it.

Or take anyone who covers a franchise. They’ll find flaws and behind the scenes things that, to the average viewer, they wouldn’t have realized was a thing.

Now, the inner workings and behind the scenes issues at RoosterTeeth is another topic for someone far more qualified than me, but there are many problems within the company that affect the show, RWBY, as a whole. For example, their rather blatant frat-like environment and professionalism makes for a bad understanding of major topics like abuse, trauma, and discrimination. Not counting their many associations with predators, these guys have had a bad track record with their hires.

But a major problem with the show, and by extension, the company, is an unwillingness to acknowledge their past mistakes and lack of attempts to make up for them to ensure that they wouldn’t happen again.

Take the racism issue within the show. Miles openly claims that the reason is sucks so bad is because he’s a white guy. But then his fans defend him by saying that he’s half Mexican. Add to the fact that we have no real proof that Miles is actually talking to minorities about how discrimination works, and that they kinda dropped the whole racism arc after Blake and Yang killed Adam, the show… has no reason for that whole thing anymore.

Now, I get it. They had a few reasons to add racism to their show despite them being awful at portraying it, and the negativity it brings. One was that they just wanted to say “don’t be a dick to people who look different from you.” and the other is basically to have an issue that wasn’t tied to the grimm (I hope. If it turns out that Salem is responsible for the racism, the show is basically irredeemable at that point in regards to that particular subplot, and nobody is allowed to invalidate any Person of Color’s feelings on the subject). The issue was that they didn’t want to get uncomfortable with the whole thing. They didn’t want to deal with the heavy subjects. So, instead of actually showing the racism, they merely talked about it.

Slave labor, cave-ins, a lack of respect- none of that was shown. All we got was generic bullying, which ultimately made the White Fang look as if they were dishing out retribution for minor offenses. This wasn’t a good look.

Other media have done racism better, even fantasy racism was better portrayed by the X-Men. So to see that RWBY, a show made by nerds botched it that badly?- It hurts. It hurts a lot.

Now, yes. There are also other media that have been absolute garbage when it came to racism, even the fantasy kind. I’m not aware of any off the top of my head, but I think one that did it pretty poorly would be Star Wars. Mostly in regards to their droids. We don’t really see any major repercussions about how they’re treated on Tatooine, and it’s kinda dropped. Luke even tries to trade R2 and C3PO to Jabba, and doesn’t do it in person. Anakin treated his droids better. The emotionally unstable guy who ultimately became the emperor’s attack dog was the least racist person, at least in regards to droids, in the galaxy by the time the OT came by.

So is that it? A really big, famous, and successful franchise did racism worse?

No. That’s not it. Because like I said, take your favorite movie, and you’ll find someone who has an issue with it.

The same applies to RWBY. This show had so much going for it. For starters, nobody else has been as successful with something like this. A fully animated series with a major overarching plot that is produced completely by an internet company.

So, expectations were high. And when the show failed to deliver, it hurt.

We had characters that were great, but who had interesting character traits dropped for unknown reasons. Ruby’s obsession with weapons was unceremoniously dropped for no real reason. Like HBomb said in his overall review of the show, if there was an arc where Ruby and Jaune were to develop a new weapon together, and that in the future, we’d see it in action and that it would include all the fancy tech of the other weapons while still staying true to the weapon it was, that would have been really great and awesome to see.

But instead… We get… Jaune having to cover for his cheating his way into Beacon. We get Jaune constantly harassing Weiss to go to the dance. We get Pyrrha thirsting after Jaune for… Reasons.

So many things in earlier seasons were dropped for reasons that don’t make sense.

At least with Weiss, they dropped her racism because “it doesn’t sell well.” And yes. That is what I’m assuming they dropped it for. They saw that Weiss sales weren’t as big as the other girls, so they dropped the racism altogether, and decided to say that she was against her father’s racism the whole time and wanted to better the company.

They could’ve had her say “It was easier to blame the Faunus instead of my father for what happened.” and that probably would have made everything feel more natural. Instead of acknowledging this mistake, the writers decided to drop it altogether and pretend that it never happened.

These guys have also portrayed major real life problems and showed them as jokes, or not as bad.

Take what Sun did for example. Because he decided to stow away on a boat and steal from a fruit stand for funsies, Weiss is actually justified in her rhetoric towards him. He did multiple illegal things in succession right in front of them! Sun didn’t steal because they wouldn’t serve him and it was the only way for him to get food, he didn’t stow away because the ticket guy assumed that he stole a legitimately purchased ticket, he did it for fun. Then he decided to stalk Blake after she had a breakdown and was in a lot of emotional turmoil. And… It’s apparently okay, because he cares about her.

For a character that they decided to say was the victim of abuse, they really didn’t seem to want to portray that as a problem until her abuser did it.

Yang thrashing the nightclub in her trailer?- Apparently not a good look for her to seem violent. So it gets dropped instead of being used as proof that she would attack Mercury unprovoked in volume 3. What’s the count on me pointing out how awesome that would have been again?

And instead of actually understanding the problem, they decided to have Tai make unfair comparisons to Raven, call her soul a “temper tantrum”, essentially say that it was a bad thing for her to rush in against Adam for because she wanted to save Blake (And then the show decides to reward Jaune for similar, albeit more selfish behavior), they decided to try and justify Tai’s comments after she was taught to “not be so hotheaded” and make her a hothead again, probably because a lot of people pointed out that Yang wasn’t really a hothead who never thought in earlier volumes. These guys decided to retroactively justify Tai’s comments, after said comments were supposed to fix the problem. Tai wasn’t even being a father in those scenes, he was being Miles’ mouthpiece.

And then there’s Oz.

Retroactively, I think I get what they’re trying to do. If everyone had known that going into the hunter business meant throwing your body at an immortal opponent, they probably wouldn’t apply to begin with. Nobody is prepared for that, and I think it’s important for people to understand that nobody is prepared for that, so that maybe we shouldn’t be so harsh in jumping at these characters’ throats for pointing that out. Yes, this is vaguing to someone in particular, but that’s not the point. The WoR on aura was narrated by Salem. Who should logically know by this point why Oz keeps coming back, as opposed to the WoR that sorta suggested that maybe reincarnation was his semblance.

In all honesty, it probably would’ve been cooler if it was, as opposed to some god saying “Hey, fix this problem that’s not really being a problem for me. I’m bored and I want to see a good soap opera.”

And really?- Naming your big bad villain after a time when women were falsely prosecuted? What?- Is the show trying to say that women that are abused will become villains and that they have to work through it on their own without a real support system or they’ll become villains that men have to be tasked with stopping? Sounds to me that the writers’ Texas education is seeping into the writing.

Instead of using the lore or characterization that was already established, the writers decided to just keep adding on instead of building on what they already had. Yang being a mother figure to Ruby?- Gone. Jaune wanting to prove that he could be a hero despite his lack of training and his bumbling attitude?- Also gone. Blake being a strong advocate for equality?- Gone. The many hints that Oz’s semblance is what allowed him to reincarnate?- See ya. The hints that Blake was missing one of, if not both of her parents?- Adios.

The writers didn’t really think through character dialogue. And that’s because they’re more used to using pre-established characters. Their last work was RvB’s Chorus Arc, where they had characters that were already characters. They didn’t need to build anything except for a few new ones that would bounce off of the old ones. Say what you want about RvB:Zero, but it actually made use of the new characters it established while only having them bounce off of one already established… And that season is basically just an excuse to make a bunch of cool fight scenes. Seriously. After each fight, I expect Wiz and Boomstick to show up and explain to the audience how and why the fight went the way it did. Then again, that might have to do with their most famous animator animating and being part of the directing process of the current season, but I digress.

The writers aren’t professional. They’ve established this. They’ve also unceremoniously ditched the people closest to Monty. You’d think that after his death, they would’ve reached out to Sheena and said something like “Hey, I know we’re all going through a rough time, but do you want to work with us on this? You were close to Monty, and we think that he would’ve loved for you to be on board with the process.”

But no. She gets shut out, as does Shane. As does a lot of other people close to him.

And then more shit gets piled up, and more problems become more noticeable.

This didn’t feel like a passion project anymore, it felt more like another IP for them to make a profit off of. Hence why we didn’t get any major sexuality reveals until recently (as of me writing this). These guys want to profit as much as they can, and while I understand that they need to have money to put food on the table, dragging out things isn’t the way to go. Neither is rushing past things. The pacing feels off. Nothing feels like it’s going at appropriate speeds anymore, and more and more questionable decisions keep popping up.

Like… Why is Penny’s father a person of color when she’s white?- There’s so many implications behind that that it hurts. Could’ve made them both white.

Why is Ironwood’s semblance basically a neurodivergent aspect of the brain that is effectively the reason why he’s going full dictator? (Personally, if they had kept Ruby’s weapons obsession, that could have worked as a positive representation of what I’m assuming is ADHD as opposed to Ironwood’s very blatant negative portrayal).

Why wasn’t Yang’s lack of faith in Ruby better built up?- It feels like it came out of nowhere, and while I am glad that at least someone is questioning Ruby, and that I’m also kinda glad that it’s someone close to her so that Ruby does have to reflect on it, it… Kinda came up out of nowhere. This could’ve been something she discussed with Blake, but I guess that wasn’t important enough.

The writers don’t really think ahead on a lot of things. It feels like they only focus on the volume in front of them. Which wouldn’t be a bad thing if they also didn’t actively ignore what happened in prior volumes. Like I said: Yang wasn’t really that much of a hothead prior to Tai’s advice. If you want to take a singular instance of her being one as proof that that’s all she is, then I guess Obi-Wan is one too, since he sliced off somene’s arm in A New Hope, and that apparently, nobody wanted to mess with the guy wielding a lightsaber, so nobody tried to confront him outside of Imperial soldiers.

The writers don’t look back on the past, and they don’t look towards the future. They only see the present that’s in front of him. To be honest, it feels like they took the wrong message from Master Oogway’s famous “Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift… That is why we call it ‘the present,’“ That quote isn’t to say that one should disregard the past and ignore the future. It means to realize what happened in the past is in the past and that you can learn from it, realize that you can’t control the future because it hasn’t happened yet, and that you can do your best right now to improve the future.

The biggest reason why the rwde tag dwells constantly on past moments is because the writers refuse to learn from them. The writers make the same mistakes, and it’s only when fan outcry is loud enough that they realize it’s a mistake. But they won’t take the time to understand why it was a mistake, they’ll only say “Oh hey, this was a mistake.”

Take Jaune’s screentime for example. Evidently, there was enough outcry about it that Miles no longer likes writing him anymore, but the writers themselves failed to realize why Jaune’s screentime was a mistake.

Jaune’s screentime and development came at the expense of other characters. Other characters that could have also developed alongside him if the writers were smart. Take the whole “Jaune cheated his way in” thing for example. Ruby only got in because of nepotism, if she had found out, then they could both bond and grow from the shared belief that they didn’t deserve to be there on their own merits. It would still be a problem that Jaune got to cheat his way in without repercussions but it would develop the first letter in the title, and Jaune at the same time (and again, my idea that his hero ancestors got him in via nepotism is still there. The writers still have time to retcon it by saying that the parents bribed Jaune’s way in, and that Jaune basically cheated his way in for nothing).

Or take Jaune unlocking his semblance as another example. Aside from fact that this moment is the scene that will forever taint Volume 5 in my eyes as the worst volume ever (Jaune charging Cinder and getting to unlock his semblance because Weiss got impaled because Jaune couldn’t control his revenge boner while Yang charging Adam ends with her being belittled and losing an arm because she wanted to save Blake), that scene could have gone way better. Instead of Weiss, have it be Ren, Nora, or Ruby. Ren had finished up an arc last volume, and given the precedent set by Pyrrha, once a member of team JNPR finishes an arc, they die, Ren being impaled would have put viewers on the edge of their seats. Weiss being impaled doesn’t do that, as she still has many more arcs to go through, and is a title character. Nora is hardly a character, and was certainly a viable target, especially since she was a hard counter to what Hazel was doing. Taking her out would have also made sense because then the main team loses one of their major advantages over the evil team. And finally, Ruby being impaled would have made sense from a character perspective. Considering that Cinder was all “I want revenge on Ruby” the whole volume and the one before it, her targeting Ruby would have made sense. In fact, the whole fight could have been Cinder being largely dismissive towards Jaune and treating him as more of an obstacle to her target for revenge than her just toying with him because she has to have sadist tendencies™.

The writers got that Jaune’s screentime and moments of character development were a problem, but they neglected to understand why it was a problem.

And instead of acknowledging this mistake, they instead decided to bury it, and not acknowledge it at all.

Acknowledging a mistake is better than pretending that the mistake didn’t happen in the first place.

The rabid defenders need to realize that this series isn’t perfect. There are flaws in it. Undoubtedly, if there was another series that had similar, or the same issues as RWBY did, those defenders would call it out, not realizing that the show they defend so fervently, has the same or similar ones.

And the haters need to realize that this show isn’t as flawed as it is. A similar situation as the above would probably take place. Another series has similar, or the same good moments as RWBY does, and they’d probably praise it, despite those same moments being in the show that they hate so much.

So what does this mean for this blog?

It means that this blog isn’t going to be dedicated to simply hating on the show, or blindly praising it. When credit is due, it will be given. When criticism is due, it will be given. This blog is still being run by one guy, and it’s probably going to stay that way.

Nobody’s perfect, not me. Not you. Not the writers.

And similarly, nobody is the physical incarnation of failure. Not me. Not you. Not the writers.

No matter how it feels, we’re all still human. And we all deserve to grow as critics, as writers, as artists, as friends, as family members, as community members, and as people.

Even if it feels like the crew have been given every opportunity to grow as writers, they still deserve all the other opportunities.

Would it be nice if they acknowledged their past fuck-ups and apologized for them?- Yes of course.

Would it be nice to actually see growth from them rather than them just trying to claim that they did?- Duh.

But we’re all human beings.

And in all honesty, I’m tired of hating on the things I can’t control. Hate is one part off of the path to the Dark Side.

Maybe I should do a Star Wars post soon, what with how I referenced it so often here… Who knows?- Maybe this can be more than just a RWBY criticism blog.

[blog-sliverofjade]

Hearth Fires 21: The Morning After

Pairing: Remi Denier x OFC

Summary:  Lorel Maddox just wants to live as a human, run her bakery in peace, and forget. Unfortunately, the alpha of the local leopard pack has very different ideas.

Remi Denier doesn’t know what to make of the female Changeling who wants nothing to do with him or the RainFire pack. He does know that he has a driving need to protect her. Even if it’s from herself.

While they’re embroiled in a battle of wills, there’s a war brewing on the horizon. The outside threat could not only destroy everything they hold dear, but tear apart the fragile new bonds of the Trinity Accord, plunging the world into bloodshed to rival the Territorial Wars of centuries past.

Word count: 2925

Hearth Fires Masterlist

CW for self-consciousness due to body size and shape and shapeshifters hunting

Beta read by the exalted @pandabearer​

The ocelot has the most wonderful tangle of stripes, bars, chains, spots, dots and smudges which look as though they were put on as the animal ran by.

-Author Ernest Thompson Seton, 1929

Remi made his way to the coffeemaker by memory alone, not bothering to crack an eyelid until he got some caffeine.  Even if he wasn’t awake, part of him was already up and at ‘em.  Despite having taken matters into his own hand twice when he’d woken in the middle of the night, he still woke sweaty, frustrated, and hard.

The source of his frustration padded sleepily down the stairs as he was taking that divine first sip, the giant, poofy bun on top of her head bobbling slightly with each step.  He nearly swallowed his tongue at the sight of her bare legs, pink shorts only just covering her ass.  Her face was still soft with sleep and eyelids still heavy.  Mouth kicking up at the corners, he raised a brow at the black sweatshirt that said, “I’m a cat.”  The hood hanging down her back had triangular ears.

“It was a gift from my aunt,” muttered Lorelei, fists twisting inside the cuffs.

“Cute.”  He drew one tie over his finger to examine the tiny paw at the end; it even had tiny, pink pads.  Scowling, she snatched it back, blush staining her cheeks.

“Coffee?”

“Um, no thanks.”  She peered hopefully around him and into the kitchen, then appeared disappointed when she didn’t seem to find what she was looking for.  Right, she preferred tea.  Giving himself a mental smack for the oversight, he made a note to have someone stop by her house and get it.

“What?” he asked when she wrinkled her nose.

“What did your taste buds ever do to you to deserve day old black coffee?”

He turned his mug so she could see the horizontal lines at equal intervals.  They were labelled with: No Talking, Shh, Not Yet, and Now You May Speak.  He raised a brow and tapped the one that said No Talking.

She giggled.  The sound was bright, effervescent, and utterly out of place in his kitchen.  And he fucking loved it as much as, if not more than, the way she stared at his bare chest.

Opening one arm for a cuddle, he watched her with hooded eyes, daring her to make a move.  She watched him warily, her caution irritating him.  It only made sense for a submissive in the lair of a strange predatory alpha, but it didn’t mean he had to like it.

“I’m only offering skin privileges.  That’s all I expect.  You can’t pretend you don’t need skin-to-skin time.”  He ran the back of his knuckles along her cheek and her lashes fluttered shut before she shook her head slightly, like a kitten shaking off wet, and pulled away.

“Uh huh,” she folded her arms and eyed him skeptically.  “And what do you get out of it?”  It was clear she was under the misconception that many humans had: that predatory changelings were only interested in sex for the act itself.  Yeah, he wanted her with a burning desire; he wanted the whole sweet and spicy package.

“Same as you,” he shrugged and turned to place his mug on the counter.  “Feed the touch hunger.”  He saw that abused animal that lived within her take another step forward and he went predator still to avoid scaring her off.  “I’ll only say this once: as your alpha it’s my job to look after you, to take care of your needs.  Understood?”

“I’m not a child,” she rolled her eyes.  “Don’t condescend to me.”

“No, you’re not.”  He let his eyes drift down her body in blatant appreciation.  “Stop trying to bury your needs; they’re a part of you.”

“I don’t know how to do this.”  The sleeves of her hoodie twisted in her hands.  It was no surprise she didn’t know how to play.  He’d had to learn himself while roaming, he would teach her.

“You tell me where your boundaries are, or you can touch me and I’ll stop you if I need to.”  Not that she was likely to do anything he wouldn’t like.  Sheer force of will kept his hands gripping the counter behind him to keep from hauling her to him.  “If you won’t accept skin privileges from me, then go to someone in the pack.”  It was only the certainty he had that she wasn’t likely to do so, or at least not with another man, that allowed him to get the words out.  It would tear him up to watch her take from someone else what she wouldn’t accept from her mate, but if it was the only way to meet her needs, then so be it.

One tiny step forward, then another, and she stood between his sprawled legs, one hand splayed over his heart.  It was a wonder the pounding of the organ didn’t disturb her; he was almost afraid to breathe for fear of spooking her.

“There now, did that hurt?”

“No, but I could arrange that.”  Smoky blue eyes narrowed up at him, but the quirk to her pink lips said that she was playing.

“Now, cher, you keep talking like that and I’m going to do things that’ll really make you blush.”  Giving into the urge, he cupped the back of her neck in one hand and stroked the warm, velvety skin of her throat with a thumb.  He felt her pulse jump at the touch and her mouth parted slightly on an inhale.

Soft hands petted his chest.  She rarely touched him, and he savoured it every time she did, but the animal was riding him too hard to allow him to relax under her touch.  Chaining himself with steely self-control, he enticed her with gentle, coaxing kisses.  The tension thrumming through her eased and she relaxed against him, finding her own pleasure in exploring his mouth with hers.

When he pulled away, her lips were swollen and pupils dilated.  “More,” she growled, pricking him with her claws.

“Easy now, no need to rush.”  It would be easy to take her when the cat was riding her, but that would hurt her when she was more herself.  This mating dance had to be a slow hunt.

In a blink, she pounced on him, wrapping her legs around his hips.  He caught her jaw in one hand when she lunged forward; he wasn’t sure if she intended to kiss him or tear his throat out.

“Shh, bebe.”  Turning, he set her on the counter to give them a little space and stroked his hand down her back in the hope that the contact would continue to feed her touch hunger without stimulation and help bring her back to herself.

“Oh God, did I hurt you?”  Clarity returned to her expression and one hand rose to her mouth and she stared at his chest in horror, even though the faint marks were already healing.

“We’re not human.  Our rules are different, they have to be.  We’re not always going to be civilized.  When the animal’s at the fore, when emotions are runnin’ high.  If you want to use me as your personal scratching post, you just have to ask nicely first, chat.”  Cats liked seeing claws on their women.

If he told her that he’d been hurt worse while playing with the juveniles, doing so would bruise her burgeoning acceptance of her changeling half.  Being herself without being punished for her very nature.  An alpha should never hurt those who looked to him.  He’d learned that lesson in the most painful way possible.

Lorelei wished the earth would open and swallow her whole; she was an uncivilized monster.  The broken, twisted ocelot didn’t know how to let him go, wanted to dig her claws in and never let him go.  She was about to make some excuse to retreat when he said, “Let’s go for a run.”

“I’m not a runner.”  She scrunched up her face.  She’d never managed to find a sports bra that could adequately support her generous breasts.

“On four legs, not two,” clarified Remi.  Her cat sat up in interest at the prospect of a playmate.

“No, I can’t.  You don’t understand, I can’t control it.  I’m not strong enough.”  The already healing marks she’d left on him were proof enough of that.

“Stop lying to yourself.  Keeping your cat caged has consequences.  Stop denying the animal.  It’s another part of you.  Are you ever alone without your ocelot?  It works the other way, too; she’ll never be without you, either.”  His gentleness threatened to strip her to the soul.

“Ok.”  Fiddling with one of the hoodie’s ties, she followed him out to the deck, which was damp and her bare toes curled away from the wood.

If she was going to learn how to live as both her halves, it was time to start.  And if she was being completely honest with herself, she was a little ashamed of herself for punishing her animal half after seeing how the pack lived.  She couldn’t keep severing parts of herself in hopes of acceptance that would never come from her family.

He hooked his thumbs into the waistband of his sweats, and she spun away with a gasp.  “What are you doing?”

“No point in destroying perfectly good pants.”  Did he sound amused?

“But people can see!” she squeaked.

“You’re in a pack, cher.”  His rich laugh was like a caress at her back.  “Best get used to it.”

“You know what, I changed my mind.  You go on without me.”

“When was the last time you shifted?  Last week?”  It was when she’d had Tien over for tea, albeit the change had been inadvertent.  “That’s too long.”

“Nobody wants to see this.”  She gestured to her body.  And certainly, nobody who looked like he did would want to see her fish-belly pale rolls.

“There’s no cause for shame.”  Coming around to face her, he gently manacled her wrists in his hands and slowly lifted her arms from her body.  She could have broken free, but she watched and waited to see what he would do.  “This is you and we see you for who you are.  You could be one hundred or three hundred pounds and it wouldn’t matter.  Nudity just is, there’s nothing to be ashamed of.  Besides, anyone stares at you and I’ll claw their eyes out.”

Squirming, she muttered, “Just turn around.”

Shifting her weight from foot to foot, she stood there a moment longer.  Then after glancing over her shoulder to make sure his back was turned, she huddled closer to the door where it would be more difficult to see her from the ground.  First, she removed her shorts then the hoodie.  The change went smoothly since she didn’t want to stand around nude while negotiating control between the human and cat.

The world snapped into sharp focus with the added dimension of scent, even stronger in animal form than in human.  Padding softly over to face Remi, her ears didn’t know whether they wanted to flatten against her skull or swivel to focus on him.  Tail tucked tightly to her body, she waited for his response.

Beyond a general idea, she had no idea what her animal looked like.  The only people who’d seen it were her grandparents; while she was aware they were prejudiced and she knew she wasn’t filthy nor did she stink, it was suddenly very important that he at least find her acceptable.  The woman in her didn’t need a therapist to analyze the root of that.

“Mais, cher, t’es très belle.”  She didn’t understand what he was saying.  It was apparent in his awestruck tone, the way he cautiously raised a hand as if to stroke her, even though she hadn’t given him that privilege.  She arched into his touch with a purr.

With that, he stripped off his pants with quick efficiency and shifted before she could process anything more than an expanse of sun-bronzed skin, the dimples at the small of his back, muscled columns of his thighs…  A cascade of multi-coloured motes coalesced into a leopard.  If she’d thought Remi was big as a man, he was huge as a leopard; his tail alone was nearly as long as she was.  Nearly five times her size, he was glorious in his richly patterned pelt of black and gold.

Giving her a look, he jumped off the edge and she followed.  What had seemed a daunting height to the woman was a fun jaunt for the ocelot.  On the ground, he butted her with his head, nearly toppling her much smaller form over.  She shook herself and glared up at him.  Huffing a laugh, he nudged her more gently in the direction he wanted to go.

As they wound through the forest, it felt like her soul was taking its first deep breath in a long time.  From the top of a ridge, they watched a bear lumber by.  He took down a grouse and they shared it for breakfast; he snorted at the way she fastidiously cleaned her portion of its feathers.  Afterwards, she licked a bit of blood off of his muzzle and in return, his tongue took half her face in one swipe.

Some distance from the Glade, he showed her an interesting scent she’d come across in her yard before, but never could figure out what it was.  He watched her expectantly, then looked in the direction the animal appeared to have headed.  Did he want her to track it?

She followed the trail with the giant leopard padding along behind her, not seeming to pay her much attention, focusing instead on watching their surroundings.  Every so often, she would circle back to brush up against his side.

He nudged her up a tree and away from the trail, but she didn’t want to stop tracking.  Huffing in laughter at her displeasure, he headbutted her, nearly lifting up her smaller body.  From midway up the hickory, she saw the elk.  They sat on a branch, tails twining, and watched the herd until it moved on.

The leopard wanted to play.  The ocelot watched him warily at first, which was hardly surprising since his cat was three times her size.  He needn’t have worried because once she relaxed, she pounced onto his back.  Wrapping her paws, claws sheathed, around his neck, she nipped at his ear and then leapt away as he dropped to his side with the intent to roll.

Ocelots were jumpers and she was no exception.  She jumped onto a low hanging branch and groomed a paw, ignoring him.  Crouching low, he launched himself.  His greater weight set the branch to rocking and she sank claws into the wood to keep her seat.  Head hanging low between his shoulders, he stalked towards her.  She crouched low, belly almost to the bark, and watched him approach.  Disappointment that the game was over already washed over him.  A blur of warm gold and black darted between his legs, underneath him, and skittered up and around the trunk like a demented squirrel.

Chuffing in amusement, he allowed her a head start before taking after her.  She was noisy as hell and had only the barest idea of how to hide her scent; it was a wonder she’d ever managed to hunt anything.  None of that was important at the moment, the alpha filed that away for later.  Now was time to play.

Hiding, on the other hand, was where she excelled.  She ran through hollowed logs, climbed limbs too slender to hold his larger mass, and slipped through bolt holes too small for him.

She wasn’t familiar enough with the area yet to realize he was herding her closer to the central area where the cubs played.  Loping along, she was too busy glancing over her shoulder to keep an eye on him to see the cubs upwind of them.  

She skidded to a stop in a flutter of leaves.

“It’s Lo’el!” cried Jojo.

“And Remi!” Darin exclaimed.

“Oh, she’s my size!”

Shimmers of light burst around the clearing and formed into little leopards.  Coming up behind Lorelei, who’d frozen in place, he headbutted her gently.  Stumbling, she glared at him, ears flat and to the side.  The distraction worked to break her out of her fear.  A moment later, small furry bodies swarmed her, delighted in a grown-up playmate who was close to their size.

Wide-eyed, she went down under the assault with a yelp as Jojo bit down on the very tip of her tail, getting only the fur and shaking it back and forth.  He let them swamp her with play bites and bat at her with gentle paws for a little while before coming to her rescue.  Cubs tumbled or danced out of his way, then doubled back to charge at or pounce on him.  He swept his tail lazily back and forth, providing an irresistible moving target.

Despite how overwhelming the little ones could be, it was plain that she adored them, and they loved her in turn.  Cubs trusted submissives implicitly and she especially would take care of their big, open hearts.

Her own heart had its bruises, but it meant she understood his own scars, and that she would fight tooth and claw for everyone in the pack.  She would never allow anyone to be neglected or taken advantage of.

Mais, cher, t’es très belle - wow, love, you’re so pretty (roughly, the exact translation would be a little weird in English)

[realityhelixcreates]

Lasabrjotr Chapter 70: Azure Heart

Chapters: 70/?

Fandom: Thor (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe

Rating:

Relationships: Loki x Reader

Characters: Loki (Marvel), Thor (Marvel)

Additional Tags: Post-Endgame: Best Possible Ending (Canon-Divergent), Loki Has The Worst Time,

Summary:  Loki remains who he has always been

Thor was carefully working his beard into a braid when he heard the commotion at his door. Your voice frantically entreating the guard to let you in; which he did. You were one of a handful of individuals he allowed in here at will, and you'd never abused the privilege.

You threw yourself at him, terrified, clutching his arm and babbling about a Frost Giant in your bath room. It seemed you thought that the jotun child had been released from the ice early, and was running around unsupervised.

“Wait a moment.” He said, trying to slow the stream of words. “You saw a little jotun girl in your bath chambers? The ones you share with my brother?”

“Yes! She shouldn't be out yet, not without her guardian! It's not safe!”

“I just want to make sure. Did you see a little girl, or did you see a small Frost Giant?”

“I...well it had to be the kid, right? Frost Giants don't stay small!”

“Alright.” Thor said. “I will go investigate. You go and do what you are supposed to do today, and don't worry about this any further.”

You departed, but reluctantly, and with many entreaties to be kind and gentle to what you were sure was a lost and scared little girl.

Norns, but his brother was being foolish. So secretive, so terrified of the consequences, but he probably wanted you to know, deep down. Thor suspected that whenever Loki slipped, it was because he wanted someone to see, to know something that he was too afraid to say. That somewhere in his subconscious mind, he was tired of keeping this secret.

Thor wanted to build a realm where Loki could be comfortable with the truth of himself. Or at least where he could feel something other than hatred and shame over it. Thor was acutely aware of all the personal failures piled up on his shoulders over the centuries, where his brother was concerned. Some days he waxed furious at his own father, and sometimes even his mother, for keeping this from them both. All the things Thor had said and done pertaining to Frost Giants...and Loki had agreed, and internalized it all, just as Thor had. And it had all come down on him with the crushing force of an unstoppable glacier when he'd found out. And to find out while Thor was banished, and Odin asleep, all his support structures gone, and then to have the entire kingdom thrust upon him at such a vulnerable time...It was no wonder he'd fallen into madness. Would Thor have done any different, had it been him?

No, Thor reflected. No, he probably would have been much worse. Recklessness was a personal flaw he had not quite yet cured himself of. Combine that with madness, and the ultimate power of Asgard behind it...No, things would have gone quite terribly, if it had been him instead.

But if he and Loki had known since they were young...So many things Thor would not have said, have done. So much unnecessary suffering, undone. He dearly loved his father, but all of this had been so wrong.

He found Loki sitting in the bath room, in front of a mirror, blue face in his hands.

“Come to smite me, brother?” He deadpanned.

“Oh, a little bird told me there might be a Frost Giant running loose, but I see only my brother here.”

“So now she does what I tell her. Typical.” Loki grumbled. “She can run quite fast when she's scared, can't she? Then again, who wouldn't? If they saw...this.” He gestured to his reflection in the mirror.

“Actually, she was scared for you.” Thor said. “She though you were the little girl, running around on her own. She was afraid for your safety.”

“The child? Why would she think-oh. Hmph. I don't know if that's better or worse. At least she didn't set the Valkyries on me.”

It must have stung. Yes, he had told you to run, but it must have hurt to see you run from him. To think you were frightened of him. Yet he might still make the best of this.

“You know what you need to do.” Thor said.

Loki sighed. “I know.” He said. He sounded so small.

“You will do fine. I know it.” Thor encouraged. “Just get it out there. I think she will understand.”

“Oh yes? Tell me, how did your last relationship go?”

“Poorly. I made many mistakes, particularly in communicating. I encourage you not to do the same.”

“Hmph.” Loki had faded back to milky pale, and looked just as miserable in that shape as well. “But there's no way around it anymore. She's going to know that there was no child in here. She won't be able to stop thinking about it. If she begins asking around, someone will bring up the play, or just outright tell her. It should be me. I have to do it before anyone else does!”

“That's the spirit!” Thor said. “Now go out there and seize that day!”

“Oh, go away!” Loki threw a towel at him.

                                                                           ******

Bjarkhild dropped your hand and shrugged.

“It looks as if everything has gone back to normal.” She said. “The mark looks the same as the day you were brought here, even though it looked like a fresh brand last night.”

“Maybe because I was with Loki?” You ventured. You both knew that his presence had certain healing effects on you. Bjarkhild heaved a small sigh of frustration.

“I wish I had access to Eir's notes. I don't doubt she had information on magics involvement in healing. But Valhalla has received her, and her knowledge along with her. There is so much to relearn.”

“She was good at this?”

“The very Goddess of Healing. One of Hela's first targets...but I shouldn't speak of it. You are in fine health now, and that's all anyone can really ask for. Now, off with you. I don't doubt you have something to attend to.”

“Lessons, yeah.” You hadn't mentioned to anyone that you'd seen a Frost Giant this morning. Thor had seemed a little weird about it; kinda cagey. You assumed he had some kind of plan, so you shouldn't go around spreading panic.

Instead, you went outside. To the ox pens. There were several of the big animals in there, wandering around aimlessly without a care in the world. Even the crisp chill in the air didn't seem to bother them.

You leaned against the fence, and watched the biggest one, a huge, reddish animal, as he browsed the sparse vegetation. Soon, in just a few weeks, in fact, you would have to watch Loki walk up to this beast with a great big sword, and...

Bright red and bewildered eyes. Desperate red eyes, and bright red blood, and a blue head that rolled...

You turned away from the fence with your hand clapped tight over your mouth. Could you really do this?

You knew where your food came from. The leather you wore. You knew people who kept chickens and sometimes they became soup. You knew these animals were destined to become food-for you or for the worms, or both-but you'd also never been there for the actual moment. You'd seen livestock alive, and then you'd seen them in nice, neat, clean bits that in no way resembled the living animal they'd once been. You were disconnected from the part in between.

Maybe that wasn't such a good thing. You knew that disconnect was what allowed some of the more egregious abusive practices to flourish. You knew it would be better to know, to witness. That it would imbue the seriousness of it all, the respect for the lives in front of you.

Maybe that was why things like this were done? The common folk, the farmers, and hunters, and herders, they would all have that kind of understanding and respect already. They were the ones who looked those animals in the eyes and knew them.

But the merchants and traders, the craftsmen and nobles, the royalty, they would be removed from it. Animal husbandry was unlikely to be part of their daily lives, after all. Was bringing them all together to witness where their feasts came from some kind of attempt to teach them? Was making their royalty act like their farmers a way to remind them what the building blocks of a kingdom really were? Was it a humbling act? A reaffirming one?

You didn't know. Whether it was better or not, you couldn't stop thinking of how much blood there was going to be. Beheading was the quickest, most painless way, you had read. The most humane.

You shuddered, then squeaked in awkward surprise when someone dropped their yellow cloak over your shoulders.

“You shouldn't come outside without one anymore.” Andsvarr said, leaning against the fence next to you. “Last year, it got very, very cold. Too cold for a human or an Asgardian, if you ask me. But the wool they make here is very good. I assume it has to be.”

“Oh, thank you.” You said. “We get blizzards and stuff back home, but nothing like what I assume they get here. Did it snow on Asgard?”

“Yes, but not often, or much. Not like here. How are you feeling? You look unhappy, if you will forgive me.”

“Not great, to be honest. Been dealing with some things.”

“You certainly seemed to be in a state last night! Were you hurt? Bjarkhild didn't tell me. We got your room gathered up, by the way. Your plants will be fine I think, and we even found your little worm friend. He has cocooned himself.”

“Oh good, I'm glad he's okay. I'm glad you're okay too. No, I'm not hurt.” You sighed. “I think my problem is deeper inside. It's him.” You gestured at the huge bull. “I don't want to kill him.”

“The sacrifice? I see. Well don't worry!” Andsvarr began earnestly. “You won't be the one to do it. That will be his High-”

“It doesn't matter! I'm the one who'll be distracting him! He won't even see Loki, he'll be looking at me. And I won't say anything, I won't warn him...”

“Um...The bull would not understand you, even if you did.”

The bull. Right, of course, you were talking about the bull.

“I guess I just feel bad for him. He didn't deserve this. Doesn't.” You were talking about the bull.

Andsvarr gave you an expression of bewildered support. “Would you like to come back inside? I can get you a warm drink? We have that chocolate powder that you put in milk.”

You shouldn't stay out here staring at oxen. It was getting you nowhere.

“Yeah. Some hot chocolate sounds good. I just...I don't want any more shocks for a bit. I just want a moment's calm.”

                                                                       *****

Loki barely ate. Everything tasted like sand and emptiness. Tonight was the night he lost you.

You were in your room right now, helping to clean up and reorganize. A team had already been in there, salvaging what they could, cleaning up the broken glass. They had patched up the wall, but it would need to be repainted, and a new window pane would need to be added to their next order of supplies.

He'd told Brunnhilde to keep a bed ready with the Valkyries. You couldn't sleep in your room until the window was repaired. The temperature would dip to well below freezing in there. And when you inevitably ran from him tonight, like you had this morning, you would need a place to rest.

All he could really hope for was that you would be able to overcome your disgust enough to continue acting as his Seidkona, even if he could no longer hold you, or touch you, or revel in your love.

“You know, she might not even care.” Thor had told him. “Humans can be unpredictable about this sort of thing.”

It hadn't helped. He couldn't dare to hope for that acceptance, not since the broken Bifrost. He had to be ready for the end.

He'd taken this meal alone. As coiled up as his innards were, he couldn't possibly have even faked a conversation. It was like going to his own execution, and he'd already done that!

He let his fork fall to his plate, unable to finish.

He should have told you from the start. Then you would have never loved him, and would feel no betrayal. And without seeing your soul as he had, he might not even have fallen for you. But when would he have told you? When was ever a good time for this confession?

He could hear you down the hall, lamenting a tear in your stuffed fantasy animal. The power of that blast had thankfully not carried far. It had tossed a few things around in his room, and the blast itself had woken him up, but it hadn't reached Thor's chambers. Mostly, it had destroyed your own little room.

He'd see to it that the doll was repaired. You loved the little creature, even though it wasn't real.

Just like you loved the false face he presented to you.

You were leaving now, to fetch dinner with Andsvarr and the maids. You did that occasionally, taking a meal, usually lunch, with the servants, or the cooks, or Frigga's former handmaidens. It seemed that, unlike all the peasant princesses of the tales, you didn't want to forget where you came from. He could respect that; he, and much of Asgard was in a similar situation. Besides, it was good for you to get to know the people, and for them to get to know you.

But what if one of them told you before he did? Frigga's handmaidens especially liked to talk among themselves, and between them, they knew practically everything about every Asgardian alive. But you understood a great deal more of the language now, and if one of them let it slip in idle conversation, you might be able to pick it up.

He wanted control of this situation. At least the tiny amount of control it took to be the one to say those words to you. He wanted at least that.

There was a tiny knock at his chamber doors, just barely perceptible. The only one left, Loki answered it. As if summoned by his thoughts, Lofn stood in the hallway.

Loki eyed her warily. Of all his mother's handmaidens, Lofn was the hardest for him to understand. She seemed to him to perceive two different worlds at once, the world of the soul revealed itself to her as to no other. She saw all the intricacies of emotion and the truth in people's spirits, though she seldom said much, and what she did say didn't always make immediate sense. Still, it was always best to heed her advice.

Also, she was sometimes just compelled to do things that seemed odd or random, and right now she was holding out a long coat in a style he preferred. It was blue, however, the sky blue his mother used to wear.

“I have made this for you.” She said, with that dreamy, yet cunning expression of hers. “It feels like there are things you need to remember. That you have always been you, no matter what coat you are wearing. And that every crawling, wriggling, screaming creature is born worthy of love and care. I held you, as a baby, though you don't remember. But I saw it.”

She shook the coat, urging him to take it. He did. It was light and warm as he slung it around his shoulders; a perfect fit. Somehow, she always knew.

She didn't wait for thanks, or any answer at all really, just nodded and walked away.

How did she know these things? Did she look across the world and see his distress? How long had she been working on this coat?

He had always been him. Well, of course he had. He hadn't ever stopped being a Frost Giant, no matter what shape he took. That was part of the problem.

The mirror in his room had broken, but hadn't been replaced yet. He looked at himself with his new coat, his reflection shattered into many facets. All those faces, but only one of them was real.

The light blue didn't really suit him, but he liked the coat anyway. It reminded him of his mother, how she used to hold him, envelop him in the folds of her dress and make him feel safe. Of the books she read to him, and the stories she told. The magic she taught him and the little jokes.

If he squinted just right, he could almost pretend it was her in the myriad panes of mirror, drawing him into warm memory. Dinners together, as a family, when he was just a boy. How she knew all along, but had loved him anyway. She should have told him, they should have told him, but her love was never in doubt. She wanted to protect him, and had made the unequivocally wrong choice in her attempt to do so, but she did love him.

He even remembered the way Odin used to hold his hand with the same care and pride he had for Thor, all three of them walking from corridor to grand corridor, to meals, to classes, to bed. How he spoke to them of so many things, trying to raise them both. Like a real family.

Loki's eyes burned, his throat tight. He wanted it. After everything that had happened, he just wanted that more than anything. Why couldn't he have had that? What had changed?

Odin had been his father, had acted like it, at least when he was young! What had changed? Was it disappointment at the emergence of his Aesir nature-as god of mischief, deceit and lies? Was it that Laufey had failed to die or be deposed by his people after the war, thus making it more difficult to install Loki as a suitable replacement? Odin had raised him too, to be a king. Had he simply grown frustrated that he would be saddled with a tiny, deformed Frost Giant for longer than he had anticipated? Had he grown too competent? Or not enough?

He had always been him. Even before he knew. Running around the palace as a little boy, chasing after his big brother almost from the moment he could walk. Filching snacks from the kitchens, and crying over scraped knees. Trying to climb on things he shouldn't. Practicing his magic by changing Thor's clothes into dresses, attempting to elicit any kind of reaction from stoic Hogun, causing strange odors to arise from Fandral's ever-flapping mouth, teasing Volstagg about his increasing waist and family size. Even attempting to cut Sif's hair as a prank. Oh, he had known woman's wrath then!

All follies of youth. He missed them. Maybe they had never truly been his friends, but he missed them all the same.

He missed you too. He missed you, and he hadn't even lost you yet. He was mourning for you, for what was about to happen. When you saw who he really was.

Who he had always been. You didn't even know. In the run of things, you barely knew him at all.

You barely knew him. Who he had always been. You didn't know.

You didn't know about Frost Giants.

You didn't know about Frost Giants like Asgard thought it knew about Frost Giants Didn't know about him, about who he'd always been.

About a little boy who chased a little girl with a pair of scissors, until she punched him in the face and knocked him down, and he laughed to be beaten at his own game. A youth running from his enraged older brother, who tripped over his own skirts in the attempt to catch him. Who burned with a touch of envy when his chubby friend married young and had babies on the way almost instantly. Who always looked upwards and forwards.

He had always only been him. Frost Giant or Asgardian, always him. Loki. Always Loki.

You knew Loki.

You would come back tonight, and he would tell you this terrible thing. He was still terrified that you would leave, but you deserved to know. You knew the side of him that wanted to provide what you deserved. You knew that part of him, and more importantly, you trusted that part of him. He cherished that trust, and wanted to reward it with trust of his own. He would tell you, and accept whatever came of it.

He would be who he'd always been.

[lady-divine-writes]

Insecure

When gaggles of women start flooding his shop on their lunch hours just to gawk at his sexy husband, Aziraphale begins to succumb to the new doubts and fears that come as a result of going native.

Luckily, Crowley has a cure for that. (2260 words)

(AO3)

Aziraphale has noticed a disturbing trend in the customers who come into his shop lately. No longer do they seem to be interested in purchasing one of his many immaculate and prized first editions (thank God), but, instead, they come to gawk at his husband, who spends a great deal of his time draped over a chair in the corner reading. Or pretending to read. He’s mostly there to annoy Aziraphale – make suggestive remarks when the angel bends over, persuade him take long lunches and close up early, rearrange the books by random indicators like whether there’s an animal featured on the cover or not, the author’s hair color, or their perceived sexual orientation. Since Aziraphale can’t afford to waste miracles, that means he has to spend all day reorganizing his shelves.

Or leave them as is, which is Crowley’s aim really.

But the gaggle of teenaged girls who come in before and after school, and the business women who stop by on their lunch hour, annoy him more.

He’s tried to juggle his times of operation to avoid them – open later, close earlier, take off Mondays. But they don’t seem to mind being late to where they’re going just to catch a glimpse of his demon.

And it’s beginning to wear on him.

Crowley doesn’t seem to notice the attention. Aziraphale brought it up to him once over lunch, asking how it felt to be objectified by the female clientele that his presence has been attracting day after day after day (in part because he was irritated and in part because he was genuinely curious), to which Crowley said, “You’ve been getting customers? When was that? Last week?”

Since Aziraphale can usually tell when Crowley is lying, and he wasn’t this time around, that was the end of that discussion.  

But this influx of admirers has begun to spotlight certain doubts in Aziraphale’s mind that have been hiding there for some time.

Do they belong together? Are they really a match?

He’s not even talking about the angel/demon dynamic. A lot of people would say that opposites attract and well, you can’t get much more opposite than good and evil.

Then again, they’ve come to discover that Crowley isn’t completely evil, and Aziraphale isn’t necessarily 100% good.

And that’s part of the point.

So many things have changed for Aziraphale lately, ever since he and his demon became husbands. Changes in life, changes in his shop … changes in him. Inadequacies, doubts, fears, no longer simply about himself or his job efficiency as an angel, but about this relationship – a relationship that had been a constant in his existence, one he didn’t have to think too hard on or worry too much about. Perhaps it’s a side-effect of going native, but being married to a sexy demon on a planet that values youth and beauty over wit and intelligence makes him question a lot of things, things he hadn’t thought to question for all the years they’d been friends.

If Aziraphale has begun to notice these things, will Crowley begin to notice them, too?

Will they become important to him?

Crowley is a demon, bound (for the most part) by demonic rules. When one takes into account the seven deadly sins - a page straight out of the demon playbook - technically, they already should be.

The door to the shop opens and a new wave of women walks through. Aziraphale rolls his eyes mentally but confronts them with a smile. He walks straight up to them, effectively blocking their way further than the counter unless they admit to wanting a book, which, at this point, he may just be willing to sell them if it means they leave without the requisite drooling over his husband.

“Good morning! May I help you young ladies?”

The three of them do their best to get around him, but with the only entrance into the belly of the shop being the narrow aisle behind him, it would be impossible to do without shoving him to the side.

Which one lady in a houndstooth jacket and blonde bob looks fully prepared to do.

They try to peek over him but to no avail as the chair his husband lounges on has been moved out of sight of the door. All three women deflate when they realize their trip to this otherwise dull and dusty little shop has all been for naught, and they sigh in unison.

“Uh … no. No, we’re … okay,” one of them says, and they turn and leave the shop, grumbling about the pudgy old troll popping out from under his bridge to ruin their fun.

The door slams shut and Aziraphale sighs, returning to his task of restocking the shelves.

“Now what was all that about?” Crowley asks, coming up behind his angel, having caught the final few seconds of that unfortunate interaction.

“Nothing,” Aziraphale replies, doing his best to try and smile as he tosses books onto shelves, barely paying mind to where they belong.

“Is that so?” Crowley rescues the next book, which had missed the shelf, before it lands on the floor. “The way you’re abusing these poor books, it doesn’t seem like nothing. What has …” He glances at the cover of the one he’s holding before sliding it into its place on the shelf “… Allen Ginsberg ever done to you?”

Aziraphale stops. Full stops. Stops stocking the shelves, stops smiling, stops trying to pretend. In the grand scheme of the universe and God’s ineffable plan, Aziraphale’s problems seem shallow and petty. But they are his problems, and right now, they’re bowing his back, weighing his shoulders down.

“Why did you ask me to marry you, Crowley?” he asks, staring down at his husband’s snakeskin shoes and hugging the remaining three books to his chest.

Crowley smirks since he knows full well his husband can’t see. “Well, it was about flippin’ time, wasn’t it?”

Aziraphale’s head snaps up, his eyes, full of angelic fire, meeting Crowley’s behind his dark glasses. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

But Crowley doesn’t fear that fire. He welcomes it.

“It means I’ve loved you forever, Aziraphale. And the second I got my head out of my arse and figured it out, I wanted to make it official.”

Aziraphale nods and goes back to the task of examining his husband’s shoes. Crowley takes the books out of Aziraphale’s hands and places them on the shelf so he can wrap his husband up in his arms.

“Tell me. What’s this really all about, hmm? Does it have anything to do with that wench that called you a troll?”

“Don’t say that. I’m sure she’s a perfectly nice young woman, all things considered,” Aziraphale murmurs, not sounding all that convincing.

“Well, she’s a perfectly nice young woman who just dropped her lunch, missed her bus connection, and now has a huge runner in her stockings, so hopefully that makes your day a little bit better.”

Aziraphale smiles softly into the fabric of his husband’s shirt. “No. But I thank you for the effort.”

“What do you care what these mortals think of you?” Crowley squeezes his husband tight, hoping for a giggle. “You’re an angel! You’re Mr. Holier-than-thou! You perform miracles! You fight for the greater good! You’re not concerned with those things, right?”

“No.” Aziraphale clears his throat and straightens his back in an attempt to pull himself up from his bog of self-pity. “Not at all. At least … I wasn’t. I don’t know. This new life of ours … it’s doing things to me.”

“Well, I should hope so,” Crowley growls.

This time, Aziraphale does giggle. “That’s not what I mean.”

“Look …” Crowley leans back a few inches to look into his angel’s eyes “… you chose your human form, right?”

Aziraphale’s head bobs left to right, giving that some thought. “More or less. There were parameters.”

“And if there was something you didn’t like about it, you could change it?”

“I guess.”

“So, why haven’t you? I’ll tell you why. Because deep down inside, you like yourself just the way you are. You like your face because it’s kind. And you don’t mind the shape of your body because you feel your favorite clothes suit you. You’ve never had a single negative thought about yourself that wasn’t put into your head by someone else. You love yourself. And so do I. Because you’re not your body, Aziraphale. You’re your heart and your soul and your mind. You also happen to be one hell of a, as they say, bad ass.”

“Really?” Aziraphale says with a bitter little hiccup. “And how do you figure that?”

“Aziraphale! You wield a flaming sword! You stood in front of Satan himself, ready to defend the world! Humans who walk into this shop every day should genuflect and worship you.”

“That would fall under the category of false idols, so that’s a no-no.”

“Plus - and this is a huge plus - you’re the only being I know who’s looked Beelzebub in the face and asked for a rubber duck! Do you think there’s anyone else on this measly little planet that even compares to you? Because, to be honest, if there were, that would be terrifying!”

Aziraphale rests his head against his husband’s chest, melting into his words of praise. He’d never considered any of that, which proves how native he’s actually become. Humans, he’s noticed, do the same thing. What do degrees and accolades and charitable works matter so long as you’re aesthetically pleasing to any and all sexes? But he can’t allow his husband to lead him into the sin of pride. He knows Crowley isn’t trying to tempt him. He’s being supportive.

But as a demon, leading Aziraphale astray would fall under the umbrella of an occupational hazard.

“Would it make you feel better if I made a few alterations to my form?” Crowley asks. “Give myself a bit of a pooch? Perhaps a double chin?”

“No! I know how much you like the form you’re in. I know that you’re afraid to lose it. I don’t want you to go changing yourself for me.”

“Now that’s funny, because I feel exactly the same way about you.”

The clock on the wall strikes the hour and Crowley looks up. Through the window, he sees another wave of women heading for the shop, huddled together as if they’re embarking on a secret quest. “Do you really want to stop those women from coming in here all the time?”

“Not that I’m purposefully trying to drive away business …”

“Of course not.”

“… but it would be nice.”

Crowley pinches his angel’s chin and gives him a wink. “I’ll handle it.”

The bell over the door tinkles as it swings open. This time, instead of the shop’s portly proprietor greeting its customers, the tall, slender man they’ve been coming to see – the one who fills out a tight fitting shirt and black jeans like no one else in the world - does, and they’re instantly delighted. Their collective eyes brighten when they see that the object of their lustful gazes has finally risen out of his chair, and is now standing in front of them to see.

“Hello, ladies,” Crowley says to the obnoxious tittering of all, and Aziraphale shakes his head. How this is supposed to keep the birds out of the roost, he had no idea. This will probably make them stop by more.

“Hello.”

“Hi.”

“We didn’t realize you worked here,” one woman says, her eyes glowing with the possibilities.

“Ah, yes, yes. Alas, I do. Is there anything you ladies need? Something to tickle your literary taste buds?” Crowley meets them glasses to eyes, flashing the most charming smile he can conjure. “Some Shakespeare, a little Whitman … some Wilde, perhaps?”

“Why, yes,” one brave woman dares, taking Crowley in from head to toe, not even being subtle about it when her whole head moves, which makes the smiling brood beside her titter even more. “As a matter of fact, there is.”

“Well, well, well. One second and my husband will help you.”

It takes a moment for those words to hit, but the fallout is precious.

First comes the silence, then the confusion, followed by the disbelief.

“Husband?” Aziraphale hears one of the women say before Crowley grabs him around the waist, pulls him against him, and kisses him hard.

The gasp from their lips is positively delicious. Aziraphale would guffaw if not for his husband’s mouth on his, his serpent tongue slipping between his lips and giving him the most inappropriate things to think about in public. By the time Crowley lets his husband come up for air, the women are gone – vanished as if in a puff of smoke since Aziraphale never heard the bells over the door ring to announce their departure.

Of course, that could be because of the thoughts his husband had been projecting into his mind using a soupçon of his demonic power.

His sexy serpent has one vivid imagination.

“So, that’s the solution you came up with?” Aziraphale fixes his vest, tugging at the hem, pretending to act scandalized by the whole process even though the smile he can’t suppress begs to differ.

“Yup. I’d say it worked a treat, too. Besides, the best part about it is …” He slaps his husband playfully on the ass before he finishes “… we get to do that again for every lot that comes in.”

[lovemesomesurveys]

“she acts like summer and walks like rain”

The power goes out. What are three things that you have taken for granted? I mean, it depends how long it goes out for. I’ve only experienced that for a couple hours at most from what I can recall, so. Although, the worst to me is when it happens for any length of time during the summer because it instantly feels like a sauna in my house and it’s absolutely miserable. D: It happened a few times this past summer during a heat wave with triple digit temps... not fun. But yeah, that’s the only thing that really bothers me from my experience. I just mess around on my phone, play Animal Crossing, read, or just chill with the fam. My dad acts like it’s the end of the world lol like a couple minutes in he’s like, “what are we going to do for food?? I think we might have to get a hotel or something, we can’t stay here with no power.” lol.

Have you ever done the Polar Bear plunge on New Years? I’ve never done it and never would. Nooo thanks. I don’t swim or get into the ocean, lake, or river for one, for two, diving into freezing cold temperatures sounds horrific. It’d probably shock my body and kill me.

Name lyrics that include the word "baby" in them. “Oh baby, you got what I need, but you say I’m just a friend.”

You get to choose your middle name! It must begin with the letter H. Nah.

Have you ever had a Halloween party? Yeah. I had one when I was in like 2nd grade and invited kids from my class over. I had a few smaller, more just like hangouts, with my cousins or friend as well. The most recent was like 4 years ago. I’ve been to more Halloween parties than I’ve thrown, though. 

Would you rather have a plant cactus or venus flytrap? A cactus.

Are you better at crosswords or word searches? I love word searches. 

Would you rather have a water balloon fight or a paint ball fight? I’ve only had water balloon fights, back when I was a kid. I wouldn’t want to have either one now. Running around and getting hit with stuff just doesn’t sound fun. I don’t have the energy for all that. Also paint ball fights sound especially painful.

Do you like being told what to do? In some cases I might need a little push or can’t decide on something so I’ll sometimes ask someone what I should do. Doesn’t mean I’ll listen, but it can be helpful. I don’t like when someone tells me what to do as a command. I’m super stubborn, so being told to do something just makes me not want to do said thing even more, even if I already planned on doing it.

What would you do if you were attacked by thugs? If I was attacked by anyone I wouldn’t be able to do a whole lot.

Do you have a favorite word? I can never think of one on the spot when asked.

On what circumstances would you break up with someone? If they cheated on me I might, but I can’t say for sure. It would depend on a few things. I’d also like to think I would if there was abuse. I feel like I would, but I’ve never been in that situation and I know it’s not always that simple.

Have you ever been kicked out of a store? No.

What's your worst subject? Math was always my worst subject.

What are 3 things that make you happy? God, my family (including my doggo), and vacations.

“baby, let me be your last first kiss”

Have you ever been pampered? I get my hair done fairly regularly (not so much now... I can blame covid this year, but let’s be real the past few years I started slacking). 

Are you going to force your kids to be in activity or let them choose? I don’t want to have kids; however, IF I did, I wouldn’t force them to. I would certainly encourage and support, but it’d be their decision. If they didn’t enjoy it, I wouldn’t push it. It should be enjoyable for them, not torture.

Do you watch Toddler and Tiaras? Nah, I never got into that.

What was the last band t-shirt you bought? Nirvana. 

If someone asked you to go to war today, what would you say? Uh, no???

Are you passionate? I feel like I haven’t been passionate in years. Like, even things I like I don’t get as excited about like I used to. I just feel unmotivated and deflated. 

Do you usually get nervous before taking a test? Always. I had major test anxiety.

True or false : Your middle name begins with the letter J False.

Are you more comfortable in public or in your house? Most definitely in my house. This is my safe, comfortable place where I’m not judged. My self-esteem has always been crap, but these past few years it’s been even worse. I’m very self-conscious. I also just don’t like being around a lot of people. 

Do you own an old vintage typewriter? No. 

Do you hate how dogs bark every time someone comes to your house? No, I want my doggo to do that. She’s not excessive about it, though. And she’s not a little yappy dog that barks when an ant walks by lol. My neighbor’s dogs bark a lot, feels like it goes on forever and it’s annoying. 

What's a commercial that you cannot stand? I don’t pay much attention to commercials.

Mountain Dew or Dr. Pepper? Dr. Pepper. 

Do you say "mate?" like Hello, mate! No.

What makes you rate a survey? I don’t rate them. I decide if I’m going to take a survey by skimming over the first few questions and seeing if they’re of interest to me and if I’ve already done it before (well, at least to see if I’ve done it recently).

“I can’t explain loneliness”

Do you drink Mountain Dew? I haven’t had it in probably like 10 years. I used to love the red and blue one. Oh, and I liked the AMP energy drinks Mountain Dew used to(?) have.

How many weddings have you been to? Three. 

When you smile, are you confident? No.

Have you ever not done something because you were afraid of getting in trouble? Yeah.

Was the weather beautiful today? It’s finally been feeling like fall, which I love.

Do you have to have a fan on when you sleep? Yes. During the hot months I have 3 going at all times in my room. I still have 2 of them going even though I’ve been needing a blanket now. I love it, though. If I turned them off I know I’d get warm again. I’d love to have it be cold and need a blanket year round.  Would you rather have an orange, red or gray bedroom? Out of those, I guess gray.

Would you ever dye part of your hair blue? No. I dye my hair red and I just want to keep it that color.

Have you ever gone to a private school? My UC is.

Is Finding Nemo a favorite movie of yours? No, but it’s cute.

Does/Did your school have a uniform? My preschool did. Turn on the TV. What channel are you on? It is on, it’s on MTV.

Does your house have security cameras? Yes.

What's your favorite Another Cinderella Story? The one with Hilary Duff.

Does a popsicle sound good right now? No. I’m not a popsicle kind of gal.

“0 of your friends are online - yup, I feel like a loser.”

Do you drink more water or juice? Definitely water. I don’t like juice, so I never drink it.

Sweater weather or tank top weather? Which do you prefer. Tank top weather all the way, no competition. I hate summer. I also don’t wear tank tops. 

Do you always carry a purse with you? Not lately. The other day was the first time I had one, well it was my Baby Yoda mini backpack, in several months.

Do you update your Facebook relationship status when it changes? It’s never changed since making my Facebook in 2008 :X Joseph and I had our thing, but it wasn’t an official relationship. If I were to get in a relationship I wouldn’t rush to make it Facebook official cause who cares, like that wouldn’t be my first thought, but I could decide to change it at some point. Ha, maybe I would do it right away cause it’d be so surprising and shocking that I’d have to share it with everyone lmao.

Have you ever kissed a Zachary? Nope.

Do you hate when people try to embarrass you? Uh, being embarrassed certainly isn’t fun... I wouldn’t want someone to purposely try and embarrass me. Do you like in October when a bunch of haunted places open up? I like October for many Halloween-related reasons, but not for ghost walks or haunted houses - those aren’t really my thing. <<< Same, I don’t do all that.

Did you tell someone you loved them today? No.

Do you watch the show Ghost Adventures? I’ve never heard of it before. I’ve heard of Ghost Hunters - my father enjoys that show. <<< Ha, my dad really likes one of those as well; I forget which one. I’ve never gotten into shows like, though. 

When it's dark, do you always tell someone to drive safe? No.  

Are you love sick? No.

Do you want your own house someday? My family and I do. We’ve only ever rented.

What color are your curtains in your bedroom? Dark blue.

Are you superstitious? I do the knock on wood thing, but I think it’s just habit now.

Is there a cat in the room you're in right now? No, I don’t have a cat.

“it only takes a second to fall in love”

Have you ever read the book The Guardian by Nicholas Sparks? Nope.

Have your parents ever said you're ruining your life by dating someone? No.

Are you excited for anything? I’m looking forward to starting my Christmas shopping.

True or false : It's past 9:22 PM True, it’s 2:43AM.

Do you hate when artist change their music? No, not necessarily. It can be cool to see them try different genres. Does your house have a doorbell? Yep.

Would you ever name your car? *shrug*

What's worse : Two-faced people or fake people? Isn’t that the same thing?

Are you wearing a necklace? No. I haven’t worn a necklace in years.

Have you ever saved someone's life? No. Do you hate when your makeup smears? I always hated how my eyeliner smudged in the corners. I say “hated”, past tense, because I haven’t worn any makeup at all in like 3 years.

Are you good at giving advice? I think I kinda used to be, but not now. I was the one friends always came to. I used to also participate on teen message boards when I was like 12-14 and tried to offer advice and resources to people when I could. Sometimes I IMed with people who needed advice, too. That’s when I knew I wanted to help people in some way and it was in high school when I discovered what psychology/ a psychologist was. I majored and got my BA in it, too... now it’s just collecting dust and I don’t want to purse it anymore....

Have you gotten into any fights within the past week? No.

How often do you go to the kitchen? I don’t know.... probably like a handful of times. 

Are you strong? Nope. Not mentally or emotionally, and certainly not physically.

“bring her back to serendipity”

When you choose your golf ball for put-put, what color do you pick? I’ve never played.

Have you ever ate the tip of a pencil? The eraser. No...

When was the last time you wore earrings? I got cute rose gold Minnie Mouse ones for Christmas last year and wore those for a couple months until they started messing with my ears for some reason. It was weird because it was like they were getting sucked into the hole? I’ve never had that happen.

You can dye your hair red or neon green. You pick? I already dye it red.

How many Juliet's do you know? I don’t know any.

What's your current mood? I don’t feel well.

What time is it? 2:55AM. Do you own any colored pants? No.

What color of eye shadow do you wear? I haven’t worn eyeshadow in several years.

Hamburger or steak? Hamburger, definitely. I don’t like steak.

When was the last time you ran through a sprinkler? Not since I was a kid.

Can you do a cartwheel? No.

Do you believe you have the perfect parents? No one is perfect, but my parents are quite amazing.

Do you own any Converse? I still have one pair. I used to have a few.

How tall are you? 5′4.

“Right now, I just wish you were here.”

Would you ever try a workout video? Or have you? Maybe a fun dance one if it involved a lot of arm movements that I could do. Do you like your ice cream in a cup or cone? It’s gotta be a cup or waffle bowl for me cause I take too long to finish my ice cream and it gets super messy otherwise. 

Are fireworks your favorite things ever? I like how pretty they are, but I definitely don’t enjoy the sound that they make. <<< Ugh, saaaame. I hate the sound.

Is your cat orange? As I’ve said, I don’t have a cat.

Is anything in the room your in striped? My Adidas have 3 stripes on both sides.

What song do you hear playing? I’m not listening to music.

Have you ever found a four leaf clover? Yeah. Back in elementary school we used to hunt for ‘em on St. Patrick’s Day.

Do you think you've been in love? I believe so. Twice.

Have you ever read Romeo and Juliet? In the 9th grade, we were required to in English class. <<< Yep.

Were you ever in the plays in school? No.

Whose eyes do you have? Pretty sure they’re my own. Haaaa. My eyes are the same color as my mom’s. 

When was the last time you bought a pair of new shoes? I haven’t bought my own in a long time. I often get a new pair for my birthday and/or Christmas from my parents, usually my dad. He’s a total shoe guy, so he likes to buy shoes quite a bit for himself and as gifts for my family and I.

How many gray shirts do you have? I don’t know; a few.

Have you ever cried because you missed someone so much? Yes. Especially after the death of loved ones.

Do you hate waiting for things? I’m very impatient. Waiting makes me nervous and anxious.

[batskulldrag]

Phoenix by Fallout Boy

Ok, last chapter was labled in text as chapter three, it is in fact chapter four. I only had one brain cell left when I was sorting that. anyway, chapter five. trigger warnings for abuse.

Chapter Five: Light ‘em Up By Fallout Boy

               This was it. It was time. D-day, final boss, no not final boss. This was just the beginning. Today was the day they brought Virgil home. This was absolute next level stuff.

               Patton frantically washed the dishes from breakfast. And having run out a long time ago was now just washing the same plate over and over.

               “Logan! What do we do?” Patton looked over to his husband in desperation. “What if he doesn’t like it here? What if he doesn’t like us? We only met him a couple of times! I want him to like us! What if I’m a bad parent?”

               “I’m sure you’re worrying over nothing.” Logan was installing outlet plugs. “You’ll be an excellent dad. And Virgil has already taken to you quite a bit.”

               “Are you sure?”

               “Of course.” Logan looked up at him. Patton could see the terror in his eyes.

               Duh! Patton cursed himself. How could he not see how scared Logan was of all this. Logan was the one who everyone accused of not being empathetic. And he was the one who everyone called a robot. Of course, he’d be afraid of parenting. And of course, he wouldn’t say that.                

               “Hon,” Patton knelt to eye level with Logan. “I know you’re gonna be a fantastic dad. You already have been. Every time I started freaking out you grounded me back to reality. And not just this past week with Virgil either. Always. And you listened to the doctor without going all out of sorts, you got Virgil to talk about himself and you knew when we were overwhelming him.”

               Logan sighed and stared at the outlet. All that energy now inaccessible just because of a piece of plastic. Stopped up. Ineffective. No good.

               “I-” Logan started and was instantly cut off.

               “You’re not bad at emotions.” Patton embraced him. “You’re better at them than anyone I know. The Logan right here is the best Logan there is. And I would know. I married him, on purpose.”

               “I love you.” Logan sighed, tensely hugging Patton back. “I want you to know that.”

               “I know. I’ve always known. And I love you too. With all my heart.”

               “I never had to wonder that.”

               “And I never once had to wonder if you loved me.”

               Logan pulled away and smiled.

               “Well, then.” He rubbed his neck nervously. “Let’s go get our son.”

               “That sounds nice.” Patton sighed. “Our son.”

                                                                               #             #             #

               “You ok now sweetie?” Patton asked dabbing Virgil’s mouth with a wetted down paper towel. “Do you need to throw up again?”

               Both of them were sitting on the floor of Virgil’s hospital room. Virgil was doubled over holding his stomach and breathing heavily. The transition was not helping his anxiety.

               “No, I think I’m empty now.” He said shakily, shooting Patton a suspicious glance. “Let’s just go.”

               Patton stood up and pulled Virgil off the floor. He guided him to the bed and sat him down carefully.

               “We brought you these.” Patton handed him a grocery bag. “One of our friends gave us some old clothes that might fit you. Since, well you know, the fire.”

               Virgil fell backwards onto the bed and groaned.

               “What is it? Are you gonna throw up again?” Patton darted over to him.

               “I’m not gonna be able to dress myself for another couple of days.” He hissed, completely red. “Not without help. I didn’t think of that.”

               “I guess this is a pretty bad week for you.” Patton said blankly, but the awkwardness wasn’t lost on him.

                                                                               #             #             #

               Virgil limped into the lobby with one crutch to support him and Patton hovering over him like a linebacker to stabilize him if anything happened. Patton isn’t exactly doctor supported medical equipment, but if you can get one it helps. Virgil’s free hand occasionally fluttered up to check on a bulge in his hoodie, where he had stashed the bear. He was more or less constantly making sure it was still zipped up in there.

               Logan and Roman stood anxiously in the lobby with Virgil’s medication in hand. The four met in silence and turned towards the door. Everything was working out without a hitch. But the hitch was waiting for them outside.

               A title wave of reporters came crashing down on them and they were consumed by camera flashes while being beaten with microphones, tape recorders and video cameras. Working like predators the press worked between the four of them and forced them apart. Patton looked frantically for Virgil, thinking that the reporters must have trampled him like Black Friday shoppers. He saw Logan, who was also on the brink of panic. He caught a glimpse of Roman, who was shoving people back like a bouncer. And lastly, he saw Virgil, looking panicked as one reported bounced around him like a birthday clown on crack.

               He started wading towards him to get rid of the goon when he saw said goon knock Virgil’s crutch out of his hand. Virgil stumbled back and fell to the ground, and the bear fell out of his jacket. The goon stepped back a bit while Virgil started having a panic attack. Most of the press backed off when they saw him, but some of them got even closer. Oh, hell no. They would not hurt his baby.

               “EVERYBODY BACK OFF!!!” Patton screamed in a voice that would defeat Goliath.

               They all looked to him, utterly stunned.

               “I AM GOING TO COUNT TO THREE AND THEN I AM CALLING THE POLICE! ANYONE STILL HERE WHEN I GET TO THREE IS GETTING ARRESTED! GOT THAT!? ONE!... TWO...”

               They all scattered as professionally as they could.

               “AND IF I SEE ANY OF THIS ON THE NEWS TONIGHT EVERY STATION IS GETTING SLAPPED WITH A LAWSUITE!” He shouted after them.

               He rushed over to Virgil, who was still on the concrete, Logan and Roman at his side.

               “It’s ok sweetie.” Patton soothed. “They’re gone now. It’s ok.”

               “Did that freak hurt you in any way?” Roman asked softly.

               “N-No.” Virgil wheezed. “I-I- I’m o-o-kay.”

               “Virgil,” Logan said gently, “This is going to sound strange, but I want you to list all the prime numbers you can.”

               “W-why?” Virgil gasped, face wet with tears and going very pale.

               “Just trust me.” Logan squeezed his shoulder. “Can you do that?”

               “O-k-k-ay.” He coughed. “T-two, three, f-ive, se-seven, eleven, thirt-thirteen.” His tone became steadier. “Seventeen… nineteen, twenty-three,” He took a deep breath. “twenty-nine.” He stopped abruptly. “That-that worked!” He smiled slightly. “What kind of black magic was that?”

               “It’s just left brain/right brain science.” Logan explained. “Fear and anxiety are controlled by the right brain, so those feelings can be reduced by doing left brain activities.”

               “Cool.” Virgil whispered. “I’ll have to remember that one.”

               Patton stood up and pulled Virgil to his feet, foot.

               “Logan knows all kinds of things.” He beamed. “He’s the smart one.”

               “Say padre,” Roman said picking Virgil’s crutch up off the ground. “I haven’t heard your Zeus voice since senior prom. Are you alright?”

               “I’m fine.” He gently stroked Virgil’s hair. “I just got upset when that guy knocked Virgil over.”

               “Well, we shouldn’t have to worry about any of them again.” Logan smiled, handing the stuffed animal back to Virgil, who immediately socked it away back into his hoodie.

               “Yeah, I about peed myself and you weren’t even mad at me.” Virgil added. “That was some intense stuff, Uncle Patton.”

               Patton felt the excitement tinglies ripple through him. He was Uncle Patton! And Virgil called him it! What a rollercoaster of a day.

               “You should have seen him at prom.” Roman added teasingly before lapsing into a tense voice. “Have any of you ever thought about how it feels to be treated like dirt just because you think differently?! Have you!? Have you ever considered that?! No, and why should you?! You don’t actually think at all! You want to talk about incapable of empathy? How about a room full of monsters who torture somebody and laugh while they are screaming for help!?! Have you ever considered how horrible it is to be the outlier who has the misfortune to cross your socio-paths? No! of course not! You only see things from your point of view! And everyone else must be broken! Well fuck every last one of you! And if you don’t all descend to hell when everything is over then I’m going to petition god to send you there himself!” Roman finished. “It was glorious.”

               “I didn’t say the “f-word” did I?” Patton slumped his shoulders.

               “You don’t remember?” Roman laughed. “I almost made that my yearbook quote. It was a soliloquy to rival ‘to be or not to be,’ someone put it on a poster in the library.”

               “I seriously considered making it my valedictorian speech.” Logan added. “And if I had been in a better state of mind during your speech, I would have gotten down on one knee and proposed to you then and there.”

               Patton blushed and looked at the ground.

               “We should go.” He whispered.

               “I call bullshit!” Virgil objected. “No way Uncle Patton said that.”

               “We’ll tell you all about it on the ride home.” Roman said gleefully.

               “No, we won’t.” Patton mumbled.  

               “Let’s be on our way.” Roman ignored him. “I’ll drive.”

               Roman did tell the story on the ride home. And no matter how many times Patton tried to change the subject, Roman went back to his story unfazed.

               “And so, we finally arrived, an hour late and very tired.” Roman continued his retelling. “En route I stepped in a puddle that was about knee deep and ruined my pants.”

               “Virgil, what’s your favorite color?” Patton interrupted.

               “Purple.” He answered, gazing into the front seat. “Then what happened?”

               “Well, we missed the photographer because we were late. Which worked out, because we weren’t exactly looking our best. During the slow dance my date was asked by a girl to dance, and he danced with her the entire night. He later told me it was because he wasn’t out yet. But he went as my date to prom, not my friend, my date. And everyone knew.”

               “What a bitch.” Virgil agreed. “Did you get back at him?”

               “Later.” Roman smiled. “Now Logan was actually not out yet, so he and Patton did just go as friends, as far as everyone else knew. Neither of them really danced, they just kind of hung out.”

               “And some idiots crept up behind us and emptied the entire punch bowl over our heads.” Logan added.

               “Why?”

               “They didn’t like me.” Logan shrugged. “And the feeling was mutual.”

               “Virge, do you have a girlfriend?” Patton tried again.

               “No. Then what happened?”

               This kid liked gossip.

               “Well the idiots harassed Logan for a longer while, then Patton had his glorious monologue. And the shame that filled the room was tangible. A few girls ran out crying. And one dude just left.”

               “How come the teachers didn’t step in for any of this?” Virgil asked.

               “Virgil, you’re in school, right?” Roman countered.

               “I mean, it’s summer but yeah.”

               “Do your teachers do much to stop harassment?”

               “That answers that question,” Virgil looked out the window. “Then what happened?”

               “Patton and Logan went outside. Leaving everyone to sit in their guilt.”

               “Our first kiss.” Patton mumbled dreamily. Something good came from all that.

               “And I was elected prom queen.” Roman finished.

               “Don’t you mean king?” Virgil asked, looking back at Roman. “I mean sounds like you’re a dude and that you were a dude then too.”

               “Yes, but they thought it would be a great joke to vote for me as queen. You know because gay. But since they all voted for me, I won.”

               “What did you do?” Virgil looked mortified at the idea.

               “I marched myself up to that stage, blowing kisses to everyone. And when I got up there, I kissed the prom king right on the lips. It was one of those romantic kisses where you dip the other one back. Then I hammed it up like it was the Oscars. I gave a speech about how proud I was of their acceptance and how humbled I was by their kindness. And how they were so beautiful that they all deserved crowns. Then, I danced out while singing ‘I’m still standing’ by Elton John.”

               “No!” Virgil objected eagerly.

               “I did.”

               “Did he?” Virgil beamed at Patton.

               “He did, everyone was talking about it when we got back to school.” Patton answered. “That and me yelling at everyone.”

               “I think you did the right thing.” Virgil said, turning back to the window. “I don’t get why you’re embarrassed; all you did was call them out for being dicks.”

               “There are a lot of feelings about that night.” Patton looked away. “It’s complicated.”

               “No, it’s not.” Logan looked back at him. “What’s complicated?”

               “I don’t wanna have this talk in front of Virgil, ok hon?”

               “Are you still upset about…”

               “Yes. Please. Not now.” Patton cut him off.

               “Ok. We will discuss it later.” Logan held up his hands in a peace-making gesture.

               Virgil looked back and forth between them then went back to the window.

               “Virgil,” Logan changed the subject. “I forgot to ask what grade you’re in now.”

               “I- eighth grade.” He said quickly. “Just like all the other kids my age.”

               “So, you’re starting high school in the fall?” Logan continued.

               “Yes?” Virgil squeaked, now turning red.

               “No one wants to talk about school in May.” Roman interrupted, sounding flustered. “He just got out a couple of weeks ago, don’t remind him he needs to go back.” Roman changed the subject. “Tell us more about the inferno, I may want to do a showing of it at the college. Or adapt a version of it. I think it would be nifty to set it during the civil war.”

               “It takes place in hell,” Virgil interrupted. “The time period doesn’t really matter.”

               “You, my dear who’s who of the damned, have a lot to learn about theater.”

               Logan gave them the footnotes of the inferno until they arrived home.

               “Right, first things first.” Patton said, helping Virgil out of the car. “It’s lunch time. I hope you’re hungry kiddo. People have been sending us food like we were planning on bringing home an entire orphanage.”

               “Ok.” Virgil responded blankly.

               “And once you’re settled in, we’ll introduce to the miracle that is the life work of Walt Disney.” Roman added with his usual flare.

               After both lunch and a tour of the house Virgil sat on the couch curled up in a little ball and holding his stomach. Oddly enough, he hadn’t even eaten that much. He kind of picked a bit at some solid food and ate a bowl of soup. Nothing that would normally upset someone’s stomach. Patton sat down next to him and rubbed his back gently. Virgil loosened up and tensed again.

               “Is your belly giving you trouble again kiddo?” Patton asked softly.

               “No, I’m ok.” Virgil was quick to answer. “I just ate too fast I guess.”

               “Ok then.” Patton continued to pet him.

               Logan walked over and sat down on Patton’s other side. They both shared a parental look.

               “As promised.” Roman strutted in holding a DVD case. “Glorious entertainment. And fair warning, I will sing along with every musical interlude.”

               “How do you manage to remember every Disney song in existence, yet still forget your keys at least twice a week?” Logan teased.

               “Some memories are more important than others.” Roman sat down dramatically.

               “Is that why you’re so good at breaking windows?” Virgil said suddenly. “Lots of practice?”

               They all looked at him stunned, and he mirrored their expressions exactly. Maybe even better. Virgil’s eyes darted back and forth, never settling on any one of them for too long. His breathing got visibly quicker and he tried to shrink into himself.

               Instinctively Patton pulled the boy closer and held him as if he were using his own body as a shield. Virgil sank into him, tense enough to turn into a diamond.

               “Well, then it’s a good thing I forgot my keys all those times.” Roman broke the tension and laughed. “Things work out!”

               “You’re not mad?” Virgil’s voice was muffled by Patton’s hoodie.

               “No, it was a brilliantly timed joke.”

               “And the implications that Roman would have to damage property to get into his own house were amusing.” Logan added, reaching over to pet Virgil as well.

               Virgil jerked back away from Patton and gagged a few times. He clamped his hands over his mouth and slowly took them away. He paused for a solid minute, and they could see him mouthing out numbers. He stopped and looked at the three of them. Then silently leaned back onto Patton’s shoulder.

               “OK.” He said still sounding stunned. “Let’s just watch the movie.”

               Roman did indeed sing along the entire time, and Virgil seemed to enjoy both the movie and Roman’s one man show. Virgil got all quiet during Sally’s song and Patton could have sworn that he heard him sniffle a few times. Naturally, he gently ran a hand through the younger man’s hair to console him.

               During Oogie Boogie’s song Roman jumped up to dance with it, and gingerly pulled Virgil up to join him. Patton and Logan stared in shock as the scene unfolded. There was their son, happily being spun and dipped as Roman did the motions along with the soundtrack. Roman did a great job making sure to keep weight off Virgil’s cast, and when the song ended, gently set him back in his place.

               “Remind me to teach you how to dance when your foot heals.” Roman said joyously.

               “But don’t feet heel all the time?” Patton added.

               Virgil smiled; Logan groaned. And they went back to the movie. Virgil became intensely interested when Sally came in to rescue Santa. He leaned forwards, almost off the couch and chewed his bandages eagerly. Patton saw him mouthing out the words ‘come on, come on’. Then it happened, Oogie Boogie caught on to the rouse.

               “No!” Virgil yelped, this time falling off the couch.

               Virgil sat on the floor looking more embarrassed than hurt. His face slowly shaded itself in a pink glow as he gaped up at them mortified. He cleared his throat and stared at the floor.

               “I…” He started but gave up.

               “She’s gonna be ok.” Patton ruffled his hair. “Jack’s gonna rescue them.”

               “He’d better, he started this whole mess.” Virgil sniped.  

               “See, it isn’t just me!” Logan suddenly shouted. “He sees it too!”

               “Two of them! Now there’s two!” Roman threw his hands in the air.

               “Santa wouldn’t be in this mess if Jack hadn’t kidnapped him and stole his holiday!” Logan protested.

               “They do this a lot.” Patton smiled down at Virgil.

               “He told those three not to involve the boogie man!”

               “Which wouldn’t have even been an option if he hadn’t kidnapped Santa in the first place.”

               “And he really shouldn’t have trusted those three morons.” Virgil added. “I think we can all agree to that.”

               “Yay, common ground!” Patton interrupted. “Let’s just finish the movie.”

               “Patton,” Roman stated. “You’re the tie breaker, what do you think?”

               “I don’t care who’s fault it is! I just want everyone to get along!”

               Virgil disinterestedly slid his upper body into Patton’s lap.

               “Well, you’re definitely a parent.” Roman sighed. “We’ll stop.”

               They finished the movie in silence. As the credits rolled Roman slid off the couch to retrieve another movie from the collection. That brought up a new crop of problems.

               Where to find a Disney movie without abusive parents? He analyzed the collection slowly and picked out all the contenders. Lilo and Stich, perfect. Aladdin? Can’t have abusive parents if you’re an orphan. Mulan, that works. He drummed his finger on Beauty and the Beast, no. better not.

               He pulled out his first three options and strolled back to the others. This was a good enough start.

               “Now for our viewing pleasure, we have options.” He declared. “First contender…”

               He was cut off by a knock on the door.

               “Shoot me.” He finished.

               “I’ll get it.” Patton offered. “It might be Thomas doing another inspection, or here to see Virgil.”

               Virgil slid his head off Patton’s lap and draped himself onto the couch instead.

               “Virgil, don’t sit on the floor.” Logan said stiffly.

               “Let’s see what news stations want to make us mad while he’s gone.” Roman said chipperly, grabbing the remote.

               “It’s just gonna be an artist rendering of me flat on my ass sobbing like a two-year-old.” Virgil hissed, pulling himself onto the couch.

                      Patton glared through the peephole. Barbra had brought them a pie as an excuse to see if this newcomer was weird. Wishing for a garage that they could park in so no one could tell if they were home or not, Patton opened the door.

               “Heyya,” He greeted cheerfully. “What brings you to our neck of the ‘hoods?”

               “Well, I saw you arrive this afternoon with a guest.” She laid it on thick. “So, I thought I’d bring over a pie. Sort of as a welcome to the neighborhood gift.”

               She was moving from side and standing on her toes trying to see past him. Patton sighed, he wanted to like her, but she was so insinuating. And one time he saw her in a restaurant, and she was rude to the waiter. If you want to be mean to minimum wage employees, then you shouldn’t get to benefit off them.

               “That’s so sweet.” Patton continued he didn’t have the heart to be mean to her. “It looks… unique!”

               “It’s a new recipe,” Oh no, now she was into it. “It’s sugar free, gluten free, vegan and non-GMO.”

               “Wow. What flavor?”

               “It’s Brussel sprout pie. You wouldn’t believe how many plants are made with those mutated poisons.”

Ok, well that makes it a casserole. And not a pie.

“Thank you so much.” Patton took the pie.

She didn’t go away. He looked from side to side. He looked at her, she looked at him. Was she really going to do this?

“Is it true about your brother?” She finally asked, she looked annoyed. Did she just expect him to tell her?

“Which part?”

“That he tried to murder his son! Is there any other part?”

“I don’t know about any murder.” Patton said slowly. “But my nephew is staying with us for a while, while everything gets sorted out.”

“Ok, but just be careful, we don’t know who started that fire, it might have been the boy. You know what teenagers are like.”

“Thanks for being on the lookout.” He smiled. “Now if you don’t mind, I need to be going.”

She was about to say something else, but he stepped back quickly and closed the door. He walked past the other three and straight into the kitchen. He then dumped the casserole into the garbage disposal and disintegrated it. Pleased, he strolled back into the living room.

“It was Barbra.” He explained, sitting back on the couch. “She brought us a thing.”

“I see, did you give it a merciful death?”

“Yep.”

“What did I miss?” Virgil looked up at them, hanging upside down on the couch.

“One of our neighbors is quite annoying and nosey. And opinionated.” Roman explained. “We put up with it at first, but then she told us she wished Logan was dead.”

“That’s a blatant lie.” Logan objected.

“It is not, it’s a different point of view.”

“She told you she wanted Uncle Logan dead?” Virgil squeaked, scrambling back to normal sitting position. “Why?”

“She didn’t say that.” Patton rolled his eyes. “She just adamantly believes that vaccines cause autism.”

“And can’t use google.” Virgil agreed. “What’s this got to do with Uncle Logan?”  

“I have Asperger’s syndrome, which puts me on the autistic spectrum.” Logan explained. “Barbra did not tell me she wanted me dead.”

“Let’s pretend that she’s right though,” Roman interrupted. “She’s not, but if she was that would mean that she hates autistic people so much that she would rather have people die of curable illnesses than be that way. In conclusion, she wishes Logan was dead.”

“She doesn’t like Logan though; she acts weird around him.” Patton wrapped himself around Logan like a blanket. “And if you have a problem with my soul mate then you have a problem with me.”

“I hate her already.” Virgil nodded. “Are all your neighbors like that?”

“No, everyone else is cool.” Patton sighed contentedly. “You’ll probably meet them later. But we’ll wait until you’re feeling better.”

“We also need to get you a new wardrobe.” Roman slapped him on the shoulder. “Joan’s donations, while generous, can only do so much for you.”

“And you need underwear, we’re not getting that used.” Patton added.

Virgil turned bright red in response and just gawked at him in utter shame.

“Don’t look like that.” Patton teased. “We all have undies on. It’d be embarrassing if you didn’t.”

Virgil silently cocooned himself into his hoodie.

“What?” Patton, genuinely confused, asked.

“Just stop.” Logan put a hand on his shoulder.

“Right,” Roman added. “We’re watching Lilo and Stich. Virgil needs to understand what we mean when we call Thomas Cobra Bubbles.”  

[severalspoons]

Liveblog: Rewatching Trigun, Episode 17 part 2

Ugh, I just want to talk about Episode 18 already.

We pick up with Rem and the Captain talking. 

-- Rem has a very breathy voice.

-- Rem: “Because they’re angels...maybe we should pay attention to them...they may even guide us through our dream.” If only it turned out that way. I wonder how literally she believes that?

-- This scene with Vash and Knives in the zero-gravity room is so touching. 

Knives sounds genuinely concerned about Vash.

“Are you crying again?” Apparently Vash cries a lot. Color me not surprised. Knives cares anyway.

Steve has been telling Vash he’s not human, and probably that he’s a monster who shouldn’t even be here. What if everyone else feels that way about him and Knives, too? he worries. Worst of all, what if Rem feels that way?

I don’t know if Steve deliberately mistreated them differently, but they certainly reacted differently. He hit Vash where it hurt by telling him he didn’t belong. He beat up on Knives, which Knives could tolerate better. I think putting up with Steve’s abuse is the sort of “small sacrifice” Knives is talking about. :(

-- It fascinates me that Vash is the one who’s afraid and suspicious of humans, even though he desperately wants to belong. Knives is the one encouraging him that it will be possible to get along with people. He even empathizes with their perspective: “to these people we’re just uninvited guests. We only need to be patient a while.”

-- Vash asks whether Rem feels the same way as Steve. Baby, nothing could be further from the truth. You’re Rem’s favorite. Can’t you feel how much she loves you? 

-- Knives starts a conversation about the tree they’re lying under, but not really. He’s speaking in metaphors. I do this myself when I want to get across a complicated set of ideas and emotions quickly. It’s a great way to compact your message and add sensory examples so the listener can feel what you’re saying. And it’s perfect for bridging the gap between his train of thought and Vash’s feelings. Knives does the same thing in the more famous conversation about spiders and butterflies. 

“Rem said it’s because they’re strong...they concentrate all their energy on growing.” 

This is dreamy, mythological, fairy tale thinking. Rem, instead of giving them information about the world, is describing it poetically and helping them see it with wonder. I think Vash will return to this perspective on days when he wonders why he’s bothering trying to save people. (The way I go to Pinterest and look at photos of nature and the sky and people doing kind things until I feel like it’s worth living again). 

-- “Rem said...according to Rem...” I bet this conversation is frustrating for Knives. Knives is asking Vash what he thinks, and all he gets is secondhand Rem.

-- “Plants are strong, but we eat their fruit.” “We need to in order to live.” Does Vash know what sort of plant Knives is really talking about?

-- “Do you think I’ll be eaten some day?” ::heart breaks: 

Will they be drained for power the way the bulb plants are? Or experimented on? It’s a reasonable question.

It’s interesting. Although Vash is the one being told he’s not human, Knives is the one aligning his identity with plants. Or at least, trying it out during this conversation.

-- “So then, why am I here?” 

Knives is having a huge (and perfectly understandable) existential crisis. And no one seems to have good answers for him. Even Vash doesn’t seem to get it.

I don’t think telling him he’s an angel sent to Earth to help the crew would help him much. Either it’ll sound like more fluffy poetic nonsense to him, or it will feel like a huge burden. I mean, just listen to former “Indigo children,” whose parents may have legitimately believed their kids were sent to save the world. Instead, they became a hot mess.

-- They had umbilical cords? Don’t plants reproduce by budding? Weren’t Vash and Knives found after they dropped off and fell to the ground? IDK, plant biology is confusing to begin with and the anime certainly doesn’t help.

-- Cut to a bunch of scary looking men with laser guns. Rem throws herself between them and the babies and you see the lasers all over her torso. They could have shot her. She could have died trying to save the plant babies. Holy ****. (And she wasn’t even feeling guilty about Tessla in the anime. She was just a good person). 

-- That fucking apple. I’m sorry, but I hate this kind of symbolism. It never says much, it feels like an exercise or a treasure hunt, and it reminds me of high school English class.

Smooth transition to the other side of the tree where Rem is giving Vash a haircut. Of course Vash goes first. Rem gives Vash his iconic sticking-up haircut for the first time. 

-- Um, it’s kind of weird to give your kid the same haircut as a man you loved. (What sort of relationship did they have in the anime, anyway?) 

Also, you never noticed he was handsome before because he’s a kid. He looks like the equivalent of an 8 or 9 year old here. 

-- “He was my emotional support. Thanks to him, I was able to face my mistakes without judgment. I learned to make them right again. Then I lost him and realized I would have to do it alone. But I wasn’t afraid to make mistakes any more. I believed I could point myself in the right direction without looking back.”

I just got run over by a truck of feels. Because Vash takes the same journey. 

And I’m pretty sure Wolfwood does for Vash what Alex did for Rem. 

It all begins next episode.

-- Knives’ haircut looks curved like butterfly wings. (And he’s way better at cutting hair than a kid with no experience should be).

-- Knives’ voice sounds villainous. “Just a little change of heart, that’s all.”

-- There already was individuality, even without the haircut. I guess Knives has just accepted it. “A philosopher and a mama’s boy.” That about sums it up, unfortunately.

-- Love how Knives tells Steve off, even though he makes a supervillain face immediately after.

-- Static. There’s that sound you hear every time Legato appears. The static of evil.

-- The famous spider & butterfly scene. Vash has both hands up, probably considering removing both of spider and butterfly from the web and moving them to separate places. Not sure what he’s waiting for.

They first have the argument they keep playing out for the next 150 years.

“Unless the spider caught the butterfly, it would die of starvation anyway.” Knives is right -- about butterflies and spiders. About the natural order. (That’s one reason I, personally, have an existential crisis every time I watch a nature documentary. For some reason, there’s always organisms eating other organisms alive on those channels. ::shudders::) The best argument I can give is that the metaphor doesn’t apply to people and plants, or doesn’t have to. The only reason a situation even resembling that happens on Gunsmoke is because Knives crashes all the ships onto a planet without resources.

Rem: “it’s not right to make that choice so easily.” Honestly? I think that’s a less convincing argument. Especially to someone who’s agnostic or atheist. Because who should choose? Or are you just leaving it up to random chance?

-- “What would you rather have us do, just stand there and think about it?”

Vash attacks Knives for the first time. 

Rem finally realizes there’s something wrong. She looks troubled.

-- WTF happened to Rowan’s mind? What’s broken? Is Knives controlling his mind or body somehow?

-- Rem models self-sacrifice. I still don’t understand why, but she seemed to truly believe that Rowan, who was willing to kill a crew member he actually loved, wouldn’t do the same to her. The Captain models the sensible choice given the information he had, and throws Rowan out the airlock. Well, maybe not so sensible, because Rem could have been flung out into space to die, too.

Wonder how Rem would feel if she knew that Vash spent his life doing the same thing, getting increasingly scarred in the process?

-- “Vash, take care of Knives.” 

This breaks my heart because so far ... he hasn’t.  First he follows Knives around. Then abandons him. Then attacks him.

 Doesn’t that bother him, given how faithfully he follows Rem in everything else?

I think Rem says nothing to Knives, because she has nothing good to say to him then.

-- It still bothers me that Knives got so flat out cruel down to the maniacal laugh so quickly and offscreen. It’s still a big jump from the last time we saw him talk. Seriously, look at this:

Everything he does in the anime would have made sense if they had just added a little bit more from the manga.

-- So Knives, is Rem’s self sacrifice still stupid if she corrected the course of all the ships and saved so many lives? After all, she took action quickly, and did the greatest good for the greatest number--the rational thing. You should have understood what she was doing.

-- No, Vash, Rem didn’t mean “take care of him” as in “Kill him.” You know that.

...You know I’m getting way too invested in a series when I start talking to the characters as if they can hear me. It’s about as sensible as yelling at the horror movie character not to go into that dark room alone.

[aquagenesis]

This is by no means a vent post or anything I just need to discuss topics and ideas.

It’s so bizarre how, for most of my life, I did have psychotic tendencies and explicitly schizophrenic symptoms.  I would get disoriented on a school bus and want to make a big show of it; storm up to the bus driver in a fit of rage and demand to know where I was being taken.  I would ask incoherent, nonsense questions in class that would get me a resounding look of “what the fuck are you talking about”.  Friends in particular would always take the time to step in and allow me to re-phrase what I was asking because they would learn to understand sometimes information is jumbled in my head, which I am not aware of.

It happens on here too, though I’ve gotten better at it.  What begins as a cohesive argument in my mind eventually spirals into a whirlpool of me repeating the same three things, the same three points, the same three everything while pretending it’s something different.  Because I have voices in my head that take over and make it hard to focus.  I thought everyone heard voices, because how else do you process information?  But for other people, it’s not voices.  Not ones they can hear, at least.

The only thing that ever stopped me was, incredibly, what I think my paranoia was.  I was too afraid of making a scene because I thought, assuredly, they’d always tell me they were going to kill me.  I would stand up to assert myself only to get pulled back down in my own head with “if you cause problems, you will die”.  I thought that was survival instinct.  I prided myself, in fact, on my survival instincts because of things like that.  Because I believed every person who utilized and prided their autonomy was doomed to die for their arrogance.  How can you exist so unabashedly in life when you know death is something you cannot hide from and cannot know the origin of?  Standing up for yourself is putting yourself in harms way; the lines between “what is paranoia” and “what is formative child abuse” are too blurred for me to even care “which one it is” because they’re both the same.

It’s just knowing I was so schizophrenic.  Knowing I was so blatantly delusional; I’d get called delusional all the time because I wasn’t living in reality.  My original self was already forced to be so separated from its body because of infant-aged trauma when I felt “normal” it already wasn’t me.  Every time I’d stabilize myself in a deeper level of my own psychosis I’d get punched down through another one, like a personal version of Dante’s Inferno.

Of course I developed a dissociative disorder.  How else was my psyche supposed to survive losing family members who cared about me, how else was it supposed to survive losing everything.  The personality I shifted into to appease my conditions were never good enough; they never protected me enough.  It’s so fucked up my brain already had to put me in another reality to cope with not receiving basic physiological needs as an infant and then had to shatter and reform reality after reality because anything was better than living in real life but nothing protected me enough, nothing justified anything enough, nothing could make me feel like I was living how I was meant to.

And then I wonder why I got so deep in it.  I wonder why that’s all I knew.  It was.  Living in delusion was the only thing that kept me from being suicidal, because it made me believe something grand was meant for me at the end of it all.  I only broke down because, after everything, after five years of eviction and homelessness, there was still only despair ahead.  Now I’m 26. an entire high school education away from 30 but abysmally depressed I had to spend all this time helping myself, and continue to, in the vain hope one thing would ever happen to me to make life worth it.

All I needed was to be pushed into reality, to be shown and taught nothing happened to me in some grand plan.  All I needed was a therapist who would listen for long enough in my Anime Tragic Backstory to tell me, “Hey man, that was fucked up, but it’s not like you have to forgive them.  You don’t have to be tortured by anything.  You can leave other people; you can leave them too.”  But therapists are no longer trained to listen to trauma and try to work out anything formative that could have happened to someone.  I didn’t know I was schizophrenic.  Nobody cared enough to tell me I was unless it was through the “well...you have The Disorder.  we have to keep you to make sure your SCARY PSYCHOTIC EPISODE--you’ve seen American Psycho, right?--doesn’t make you do that to yourself or someone else.” lens of “take this medicine and it’ll fix something you don’t think is a problem, because psychosis deludes the brain into thinking it isn’t delusional”.

And there was nothing anyone could have done; my untreated schizophrenia prevented me from being able to work.  My delusions would go unchecked, people wouldn’t know I was stretching the truth and neither did I.  Through the lens of insanity I doomed coworkers to bitter rivals, others to beloved friends, and still others to unworthy of my respect with nothing in between.  My life was a grand path to luxury and respect from the bottom of the earth; who wouldn’t be adored to know me?

I would tell people time and time again I was schizophrenic, I was psychotic, I experienced delusions.  I was cast as “the good outcome” of a psychotic condition and my experiences, the only true part of my life, were chalked up to “well there Luke goes with his silly little rants again”.  I was abandoned to spiral because I was “okay”; I didn’t experience delusions where I thought I was God (anything remotely attached to that was different, I said it was different), my psychosis never drew me to suicide.  Everyone else who claimed they were schizophrenic were automatically compared to me and regarded as “good” or “bad” with no regard to what was swimming around in my brain.  If I didn’t have a god complex before (I did, but I said I didn’t, so there’s no blame here), I certainly developed one then.

But I knew I wasn’t someone to be compared to, because I did experience delusions where I thought not that I was God but some higher being, I was drawn to suicide at the drop of a hat.  But then I couldn’t admit to those things being so much deeper than they were, because everyone else who experienced these things were “bad” schizophrenics.  I was supposed to have this together; I knew I had no right to judge people with my same condition because I knew I was no better than them.  If I had a best friend I’d known all my life, I would probably go to them with my ever-wavering mental condition too.  That’s what I craved; the ability to tell someone about what was happening to me.

And it’s not like I ever thought I was entitled to people, you know, listening.  I never expected anyone to look me in the eyes and tell me “Hey buddy you know you don’t really seem in reality” because if someone said that to me I’d probably freak out and doom them to “Bitter Rival Plus” for the rest of my life.  It was the attitude that I was redeemable because of how well I handled everything, the way I never let my symptoms show, the way a one-time freakout seemed more preferable to everyone else but me because “at least he only got that bad once”, as opposed to the risk of smaller breakdowns more often.  I lost my ability to realize I had control over myself because the admittedly bad symptoms everyone else experienced, which I did too, never were offered support.  I was told a story of a mutual once-friend who threw herself off a roof in the midst of a schizophrenic breakdown.  The pitilessness of it all told me I would never find sympathy in admitting my faults.

It’s hard because if it were depression, if it had been depression, this would have been solved eons ago.  Anyone can go to a friend and talk through a depression; nobody can go to a friend and talk through a psychotic episode without your companion growing frustrated as you’re unable to grasp reality.  Once is fine, twice is annoying, thrice is overwhelming.  I can feel it just as anyone.  Nobody wants to talk to crazy people.

And what do people think that does, exactly?  Do you think your delusional friend can really have a talk once, be told they’re psychotic, and immediately know?  How do we have thousands of articles dissecting every aspect of anxiety, from work to generalized, but none to tell the everyman that “psychotic people suffer from a condition that prevents them from differentiating reality from fantasy”.  or, we do tell people, but it still follows the same rules of once is fine, twice is annoying, thrice is overwhelming.  Depression is a mental condition that causes extended states of misery.  Anxiety is a mental condition that causes extended states of stress.  Psychosis is a mental condition that causes extended states of, well, delusion.  Someone who wakes up already delusional is not going to be able to tell you “when it started”; everything has always felt this way.  Now that they can see clearly, because they feel energized (because they are delusional), “nothing is wrong” and they are left to spiral into whatever rabbit hole they fall into.

If we know it’s harmful to tell people with depression and anxiety to “get over it”, why are psychotic people different?  Why is it so hard to go into a relationship and be told, explicitly, “I have a psychotic condition”, and follow through as you would anyone else?

“Because psychosis is different.”  No further context needed.