#I would consider myself a big music fan and collect a shit ton of music on vinyl and cd from all genres

[twilight-good-yall-dumb]

to all my tumblrinas, I swear I don't have shit music taste, whatever my blog may reflect.

[clearsky]

My Top Comfort Characters/Kins and My Main HCs For Them

(Note, not all my kins/comfort characters are on here, just the ones I have more than 5 hcs for)

CW: Korekiyo Shinguji (DRV3), Himiko Yumeno (DRV3), Shinsou Hitoshi (BNHA), Kyoko Kirigiri (THH), Tsuyu Asui (BNHA), Entrapta (Spop), Ibuki Mioda (SDR2), Celestia Ludenberg (THH), Funtime Foxy (FNAF), Peril (WOF)

Korekiyo Shinguji (DRV3)

Nonbinary

He/They pronouns

Autistic

Chains and loose accessories are for stimming

Likes the feeling of silk and cotton

Can't stand the feeling of anything rough or bumpy

He likes collecting small trinkets and the bones of small mammals

Can't stand anything salty. He'll eat it but he certainly won't enjoy it

Dating Rantaro

Can flirt, but only if he doesn't try

Petnames are a hell yea

Gets sunburnt really easily

Group dates with Celesnaegiri and Ikuzono

Can't cook for s h i t

Had a scene kid phase in middle school

Went to the same middle school as Celeste and Maki

Knew them when Celeste went through her "I'm not like other girls" phase and Maki was a Band Kid™

Himiko Yumeno (DRV3)

Female

She/Her pronouns

Lesbian

Can force herself to fall asleep within seconds regardless of where she is

100% forces herself to fall asleep when she doesn't wanna listen/talk to someone

Himiko/Angie/Tenko relationship. I'm calling them the Traffic Light Trio

She likes taking naps in the forest

She prefers enclosed/tight spaces more than open ones

Has several hundred stress balls and squishies laying around

She overheats easy

Shinsou Hitoshi (BNHA)

Questioning his gender, but goes by any pronouns

Knows he's Asexual, at least

Has no clue what his romantic orientation is though

The kind of person to carry treats in his pocket just in case he runs into a cat

Will stop to pet literally every cat he comes across

Great at reading people

Doesn't talk unless it's 100% needed

Hangs with Tokoyami, Jirou, and Denki most often

Aizawa has 100% unofficially adopted him

Fosters kittens

Not a big fan of physical touch

He is 100% in the bakusquad. Anyone who says he's in the Dekusquad is a c o w a r d

He and Tsuyu vibe

Knows a bunch of random facts

Dark humour? Dark humour

*skates backwards into his therapist's room slowly sipping from an absurdly huge cup of coffee* Candice you're not gonna BELIEVE the shit I just went through

In case I forgot to mention it, he skates

Kyoko Kirigiri (THH)

Mtf

She/Her

Bi with female preference

Burns go up to her shoulders/collarbone/chest

Prefers to just listen as opposed to saying anything

Knows a ton of random trivia about everyone else in her class

She keeps a notebook she fills with all the trivia

Doesn't celebrate her birthday. She just doesn't see the point of it

Doesn't hate sugar/sweets, but if given the choice she would choose literally everything else

Cuts her own hair

A cat person

Permanent dark circles

T-Tall 😳

Like,,, 6'1 at LEAST

Only person taller than her is Yasuhiro (6'3)

Canon no longer exist

Ahahaha healthy life habits? What are those?

Can't handle horror games

She's the kind of person you'd go to if you needed to rant but didn't want any advice

Polyamourous yo

Celeste/Kyoko/Makoto

She's a dom yall are just scared to admit it

Tsuyu Asui (BNHA)

They go by They/Them

Lesbian

They and Ochaco are dating

They like to hang with Shinsou

Which mainly just means the two sitting in one of their dorms in near total silence doing whatever

Can speak English and French as well as Japanese

Learned English from cartoons

Picked up French bc they thought it'd be fun

Prefers to stay neutral in the whole Bakusquad / Dekusquad thing

They're invited to all outings/events by/for both squads

They like puns

They're a dumbass but willingly, and for fun

Like "someone says they like dark humour and they'll turn off the lights before telling a joke" kind dumbass for fun

Great at poker

Likes Disney Movies

Very touchy once you get close enough

Not in a sexual way, just likes physical contact

Especially fond of piggyback rides and cuddles

Extreme fear of needles

Entrapta (She-Ra)

She/Her or It/Its

Doesn't bother trying to figure out whether she's cis, trans, nonbinary, or what

Was AMAB though

Short as fuck (4'7)

Strong as fuck though

Cuddle game strong

Physical touch is a fuck yes

Cuddles

Piggyback rides

Hugs

Anything where she's touching someone is wonderful in her book

As long as she's the one that initiates it

Anyone else touching her without her permission makes her freak

Prefers being high up

Makes it harder for anyone to sneak up on her

An ace at video games

When it comes to sexuality she just says she's Questioning

Ibuki Mioda (SDR2)

Any pronouns + Pup/Pupself + It/Its

No idea what their gender is otherwise

Biromantic Asexual

Just likes sexual jokes

Gets distracted easily

Has severe hearing problems

She's plays her instruments as loud as possible, with the amp right next to her, without ANY ear protection

It's caused some damage

She talks so loud bc she has no idea how loud is considered acceptable

Wears hearings aids most of the time

Several piercings and tattoos

Likes hearing things jingle

She has a bracelet with a few bells hanging from it

She'll shake it whenever she's bored

LOVES hair accessories

Ribbons are a particular favourite

Occasionally she'll hang little charms from her hair "horns"

The kind of person who never takes any pills/medicine bc she keeps forgetting she has to

Frequently uses emojis

Skates everywhere but she isn't very good at it

She keeps crashing into everything

Has broken every bone in her body at least 3 times

Most of which was bc she keeps trying to kick in doors and skating down the stairs

Celestia Ludenberg (THH)

Nonbinary

Any pronouns, mainly goes by She/They

Bi, 70:30

Collects mini hand sanitizers and can tabs

Has single handedly gotten Mario Kart, Mario Party, Monopoly, Uno, and Clue banned a grand total of 17 times (and counting)

The kind of person to purposefully target someone regardless of what game was being played

Favourite victim is Byakuya (bc he gets so upset about it and she finds that hilarious)

Mains Waluigi

Celeste/Kyoko/Makoto

Has several banned Twitter accounts bc whenever she's bored she'll start discourse on purpose

Hangs with Korekiyo, Ibuki, Byakuya, Yasuhiro, and Leon most often

It's a weird friend group but everyone's sorta gotten used to it

She and Byakuya gamble together occasionally

She tries to avoid it bc he'll willingly blow his entire fortune in an attempt to beat her

Autustic

Can't stand the feeling of water

Mainly bc she can't swim for shit

Horror movies? Hates them

Gets flustered super easily

Taka is her twin brother

Kotoko, Kokichi, and Gundham are their half siblings (Same father)

Peko and Toko are their cousins

She sucks ass at go fish

Fuck canon she's 4'11 now

C h u b b y

Freckles

Once she gets comfortable enough with herself she dyes her hair in the peekaboo style

Either black and red or black and blonde

Haven't decided yet

I'll be doing Celesnaegiri hcs as a seperate post but I just feel it's important for you to know that she expresses her affection verbally and is a very touchy person

Went to middle school with Maki and Korekiyo

Has horrible eyesight

She wears contacts most of the time but she always puts off buying more

After the 5th or so time she ended up blindly stumbling around a week after her contacts ran out Kyoko convinced her to buy glasses as well

Religious accessories yo

Like chokers and dangly earrings with crosses and pentagrams and shit

Likes wearing wacky earrings

Can run and do all sorts of tricks in heels

She and Mukuro are exes yo

Keeps her hair short so it's easier to manage

Hair never gets longer than her shoulders if she can help it

She seems like the kind of person who'd keep her bangs grown past her eyes regardless of how frustrating or inconvenient it is

She's a sub yall just don't wanna admit it

Funtime Foxy (FNAF)

I'm going on the record to say this

Funtime Foxy is genderfluid and that is that

Goes by Funtime

Any pronouns, They/Them most commonly

Plays music (keyboard and guitar mainly)

They and Funtime Freddy (Freds) mainly play with the kids

Freds mainly tells stories with Bonbon while Funtime more so plays one-on-one

Has nicknames for everyone

Circus Baby - Ringleader

Ballora - Bells

Funtime Freddy - Partner

Bon Bon - Bun

Peril (WOF)

I like both Nonbinary She/They Peril and Mtf She/Her Peril

They're both such good concepts

She's a lesbian, Harold

She only had a crush on Clay bc he was pretty much everything she was supposed to like in a guy

Gimme a moment while I force all my mental disorders onto this poor child

Autistic, Anxiety (Social anxiety, mainly, but she has most types), Adhd, PTSD

I'd like to reiterate yet again that She's a lesbian

Sunny and Glory were her gay awakening

Peril in Book 1: Damn, Sunny and Glory sure are pretty. Anyone would be lucky to date them. Clay would probably go for them over me. He would be stupid if he didn't. I myself would willingly date them over someone like me. They're just so pretty :(

Peril waking up in a cold sweat in the middle of arc 2: WAIT-

Rarepair alert but Peril/Sora

Peril meeting Sora: "Hmmm She's attractive. I would love to date her. Too bad I'm straight and in love with her brother lmao :P"

Peril, a mere month later, waiting for Ruby to leave Jade Mountain, pacing in her cave, running face first into a wall: WAIT-

I remember reading this one amazing story where Sora taught Peril to read/write and Peril found out she set off the bomb and comforted her/convinced her her run so that's canon now

Btw if anyone can remember what that story was called/what platform it was on and could tell me I'd appreciate it very much

I'd even be willing to draw a character of your's or make you an icon or something

I usually don't accept requests bc I get burnt out easy but this is a special case

She runs into Sora again sometime between the beginning of TOP and the end

I like to imagine she just goes wandering around

Anyway she confesses like a mere few minutes after running into her again bc Peril is just subtle like that

The actual confession takes 15 minutes and the entire time Sora is just sitting here like "👁👄👁 sure"

Bam Peril/Sora

Peril plans to keep it a secret for a little while longer but she spends 3 seconds around Clay and pretty much blurts it out

Clay, who wasn't even aware that Peril was a lesbian, is just "👁👄👁"

I wanna say Clay doesn't know what a lesbian is but in my canon Sunny is a lesbian so Starflight has already told him

Anyway he's super supportive

From that point Peril is sorta open about her sexuality?

Like, she gives Clay permission to tell the rest of the D.O.D bc she isn't about to risk being in front of them when they hear the news

(When Sunny starts actively seeking her out as a hang out buddy and Tsunami, Glory, and Starflight appear to tolerate her presence just a bit more afterwards she pretends she isn't confused by the change)

She's pink, white, and blue bc I said so

If you look at a certain angle in the right lighting her eyes, mouth, fire, and under her scales all look purple

But her fire is normally white and blue bc I said so

Also she pale as fuck bc in my canon their fire just sorta burns their colour away

You know how you leave something outside for too long and it gets sunbleached? Where it gets all washed out?

Like that but more extreme

By the age of 10-12 firescale dragons are just white with pale eyes

That's right not even the eyes are safe

Ram horns :P

I'm also fond of Peril/Sunny

Or maybe Peril/Sora/Sunny

But Peril/Sora is the main thing

On the topic of that bringing in my hc that if one sib in a sib group is fire resistant all of them are

She,,, She can change her scale colour

But only slightly and only if her emotions are strong enough

Bc I don't give a fuck about Darkstalker's scroll we were robbed of hybrid Peril

Unfortunately all of Peril's emotions are strong

Rainwing ruff along her head and neck

It's like a hood

It's mainly smoothed to her sides but when she's startled it flares out

RAINWING PUPILS

Y'all will know what those look like as soon as I get off my ass :P

She,,, She can mimic bird cries

Hates the summer

She has more than enough body heat already and the outside is just hot enough to add on and make her feel sick

She can somewhat control her heat but most of the time it's based on her emotions

It can go from standing-in-the-middle-of-a-burning-building-cant-see-your-nose-smoke-is-so-thick heat (Strong emotion) to Hey-thats-a-nice-cozy-campfire heat (Calm/"weak" emotion/Sleeping)

I'm just gonna make a different post with all my Peril hcs cuz there isnt enough room for all of them here

[style-beat-webzine]

“ If you could be my Punk Rock Princess, I would be your Garage Band King” -Something Corporate (Punk Rock Princess)

Music has always been a part of who I am, even in the womb, I know that sounds weird, but bare with me. When my mom was 4 months pregnant with my twin brother and I, she went to see her favorite band for the first time. That band was none other than a little band called, The Rolling Stones. This is one of my favorite parts of the story, we just so happened to be born on the same day The Rolling Stones founding member, Brian Jones was born. If that’s not a sign from the universe I don’t know what is, haha. My brother, Jake, got some of Brian Jones’ musical talent while I got his artistic side. I swear my fashion sense has always been inspired by the rock and roll attitude of saying fuck soceity and the philosphy of, I’m gonna do and wear what I like. For me the crazier the better, the proverb; go big, or go home, pops to mind when I think of my choice of outfits throughout the years. I once read somewhere on the internet that Brain Jones would go on shopping sprees when he was stressed, I couldn’t help but laugh to myself at that part. I swear part of his soul is some of mine, because same. I should make a post of all my quarantine purchases, I have fabulous additions to my wardrobe, that I can’t display anywhere and anytime soon.

Fashion has always been my way to connect with the world around me. I’ve always been considered plus size, and if I’m being honest I could never find things in my size at fast fashion places like Forever 21, H&M, Hollister, or any of the others you can think of. It wasn’t until I was out of high school that Forever 21 started to cater to plus size, and that’s when I was able to start buying clothes that were trendy, like in real time with the regular sizes!! Before that my style was basically skinny jeans, a band tee with a cardigan and a shit ton of accessories to spice the look up. Fave accessories at the time were pearl necklaces, chunky plastic jewelry, checkered Vans slip-ons, ballet flats, and an impressive scarf collection. I should mention I was in high school in the mid 2000s, we were inspired by the Cali living with shows like the O.C. and Laguna Beach, omg Stephennnn, I’m so donezo. If you know, you know, haha.

If it wasn’t for supporting my favorite bands and a subscription to Teen Vogue, my style wouldn’t be what it is today. Those two were the building blocks to my personal style, but they were also aspects that impacted my self esteem when it came to my perception of  how society sees me. In the classic tale of never fitting into the fashion industry's model of beautiful, I never saw girls that looked like me in those Teen Vogue magazines. Nevertheless, I would devour them from the moment I got them in the mail. I used to spend hours cutting up the magazine and making collages with them, I studied the pictures so intently. I would look over the composition of the overall photograph, color palettes used, how the models were styled with different prints and textures. I became a fan of fashion instantly. While I was creating those collages I would listen to my favorite bands on repeat, I was really fortunate with my high school soundtracks, I’m talking 2004-2008, baaaybyyy. The bands I listened to most were Fall Out Boy, Panic! At the Disco (none of this Brendon Urie Project shit you kids are listening to these days), The Academy Is…, as well as Cute is What We Aim For. And senior year wouldn’t have been senior year without Cobra Starships’ !Viva La Cobra! Album. With all these bands singing lyrics about their dream girls that never fit my description, I came to terms early on, that I’d never be a girl a band would write a song about or look at romantically. So, I went to work to see how close to a band I could get without being an object of desire. And that’s how I started a journey to being a rock and roll photographer.

Here I am with my first photo pass in the photo pit

I got pretty far with that, and I got to photograph some of my favorite bands like The Maine, The Fratellis, and The 1975 to name a few. My concert photography career wouldn’t have started without All Time Low, they were the first band that I got a photo pass for, and I learned so much during that first photo pass session. If you want to know, I actually brought along my analog camera (film) as well as my digital camera. I have a picture of Alex Gaskarth on film smiling into my camera, how many brag points is that worth? Haha jk 

Here’s the picture so you know I’m not a fraud :) 

But like every other creative person, you have a down or blue period (yes that was an art joke regarding Picasso, and yes I’m using the term in a different context than he, but you get the point). After about 4-5 years off of not doing anything creative which is a whole story within itself, that I’m sure I will share soon enough. I’ve finally been able to get my creative juices flowing again. This time I’m working on fashion styling. This has always been something I wanted to do, but figured since I’m plus size I had no business in the fashion industry. I now know how wrong I was, and the fashion industry only holds power over you if you let it. For now I plan to post at least once a week and depending on how it goes maybe twice a week!! 

Here’s a picture I took of Matty from The 1975 back in 2014

and here is a picture of The Fratellis I took in 2015

Thank you for reading if you’ve made it this far, I truly appreciate the read :)

Cheers to all!!

xoxo Michelle

[maptoourescape]

Are you still into Tokio Hotel? Is Lucy still gone? Still friends with Bine? How was your 2019?

HELLO ANON!Oh my god, I'm genuinely really surprised anyone is still lurking around thisblog! I never imagined I'd have someone reach out to me after being MIA for solong!But HI, HOW ARE YOU? I hope life's treating you well!REGARDING BEING INTO TH:In regards to the querstion of me still being into Tokio Hotel, the shortanswer would be yes. But it's a little bit more complicated than just sayingyes and be done with it.Whenever TH has their little (or sometimes not so little) hiatuses, I usuallylike to dwell in other fandoms as well. Sometimes it's not even intentional,but happens quite casually with me watching a show or reading a book that I'vewanted for a long time or whatever. In these in-between moments, my hype for THis also sort of on hiatus along with them, because nothing really all tooexciting is going on.Now I did think of going to the album listening session, but as Anon might ormight not know, my TH experience is a shared experience of me and my bestfriend, so if she isn't willing to jump along, I'm also not all that excitedabout it either. This time around, we were both kinda considering if it's evenworth the money, because we honestly think that the session would be veryrushed and just not all that which we would imagine. Maybe we'd consider it ifthere was only one bigger group of people going to the session, and notmultiple sepparate ones in the span of a few short hours.We are also careful with our money, because we are both investing in differentthings, and wanted to kind of save up if we find whatever they are gonna bedoing in the summer worthy of attending (there was talk of a Camp-like eventthat would also last for a few days but was on a crusie or some shit lol). It'salso a bitch being fully employed, because that means you have to sort out yourfree days carefully in order not to run out of them by the time those bastardwant to start anouter EU tour (and honestly going to concerts would beo ur priorityto any other event).Besides that, Tom's personal relationship and all the media ickyness that camewith it really pushed us further into our fan-hiatus as well. It's hard toexplain, but I honestly don't feel like the band is quite the same at thismoment, which draws me a bit further away from them. I can only hope the musicis gonna be great, still. At the end of the day, this is still my band, andnothing will change the literal 15 years of my life spent with them. Akin to amother who never stops loving her child even when they're really annoying andrebellious in their teenage years lol. But the general vibe I get from themright now isn't ANYTHING what it was when they dropped Dream Machine and I'mjust not a fan of whatever »this« is.REGARDING LUCY:Not much to talk about here. She is still MIA. I am unaware if she's read mymessages/posts or not. She either occasionaly lurks here just to check butdecided she's still not ready to return, or she's completely 100% gone. I can'tknow, she has not contacted me. So unless YOU'RE her, I haven't heard from her lol.FRIENDS WITH BINE:Yes! She spent her New Year's in Slovenia with my squad down here! We drank a lotof Ramazzotti spritz, played videogames, board games, popped some fireworks andall that other good shit that comes with it! Because she's out of the TH fandomnow, she also generously sold me her entire TH collection, so I don't mind thatone bit lmao.MY 2019:I mean, in review, I don't even remember all that went down in 2019 lol. I'm sobad at these last year rewinds, because my life is pretty monotonous,unfortunately. Regarding TH, I've been to a couple of shows at the beginning ofthe year, and then WON the Camp which was really exciting! Not only that, but Ialso managed to win the talent show they held there, which resulted in megetting tattooed by Bill himself. So you know, that's pretty huge lol. Otherthan that, I decided to fully employ myself, so I'm getting paid more than Iwas paid as a mere student. I started (and am currently still in the processof) remodeling my room and buying myself a self built gaming rig, effectivelyturning my room into a big media space. I’m thinking of maybe starting streaming sometime this year just for fun once I’m done with my room! (Would you watch me fail at videogames anon, because I can make that happen lol) I also ate alot of delicious vegan food anddrank a shit ton of Ramazzoti. It's been a great year, honestly. But with THbeing so super busy ever since they dropped Dream Machine, years 2017, 2018 and2019 honestly all felt like one big massive year combined. Granted also one ofthe best years of my life! I've met so many great people and travelled Europefar and wide – it truly was a blast!I hope your year was also great Anon, and that you entered 2020 in style! ❤️HOW ABOUT YOU!How about you my friend, are YOU still into TH? How’s your year been? I’m open for a chat, because I’ve just recieved my new mechanical keyboard and I’m obsessed with typing on it man. If only I’d be able to RP now - I think I’d never be able to just stop typing lol.

[grimes-claireboucher]

GRIMES | WHO KNEW WORLD-BUILDING WOULD BE SO DIFFICULT?

BY SID FEDDEMA

APRIL 23, 2019

You can hear it, can’t you? The pulsing, panning synth bass, ingenious and instantly memorable. A gossamer coo, almost a sigh. And then a voice in an unusually high register singing 
lyrics full of menace, at odds with a calculated syrupy-sweet, faux-naive intonation: I never walk about after dark / It’s my point of view / If someone could break your neck / Coming up behind you always coming and you’d never have a clue.  

Seven years later, its power remains unmitigated. “Oblivion” turned horror into art, and, while drawn from a personal, particular experience, it spoke to a universal pain, a sense of predation and vulnerability all too familiar for women. Most importantly, it is a defiant act of resistance, a steadfast insistence on Grimes’ ownership of her own experience, and a refusal to be silenced. Pitchfork named it the best song of the decade so far. NPR named it one of the “greatest songs by 21st Century women.” Grimes was suddenly a cultural touchstone, a feminist symbol, a cherished member of the resistance. Everyone was watching.

They still are. Look at the Twitter fusillades, the talmudic readings of even the most flippant utterance, the team-joining. Feuds! With contemporaries, the media, her label. Gossip! A storm of it, following her spacetime-warping appearance with Elon Musk on the Met Gala red-carpet. And to hear Grimes tell it, being caught up in all this has been excruciating. She’s said that 2018 was one of the hardest years she’s endured.

When we speak, Grimes is in flux—emotionally, artistically, career-wise. But that’s nothing new. If I was to describe her with one word, I think it would be '“mercurial.” Or “protean.” She never stands still, never settles. She feels less like one person than like a collection of occasionally-combative creative spirits inhabiting one body. Hence the wide cast of characters in her albums, the fashion experiments, the accretion disk of material spanning mediums and genres. As I was writing this article we got word that she has changed her name—to c [lowercase italic], rather than Claire Boucher, and that the Grimes identity she’s built up over the course of her career could be next to go. For a journalist, she’s a tough subject: not only is she encyclopedic in conversation, but by the time you finish your draft, half of what you’ve written may no longer be true. While this capriciousness is a powerful creative resource, it can also make things difficult. She is a hell of a lot of fun to talk to, though—a whirlwind of ideas, opinions, wisecracks, and puckish self-deprecation.

I was given four tracks from the new album to prepare. But when I bring up the first, the disarmingly raw, strange, and lovely “Shall I Compare Thee,” she laughs. “I hate all these songs now. I might even replace them all. I’m supposed to be finishing the album this month or whatever, but I’ve been making a shit ton of new music instead. Which is a really bad idea.” She sighs, thinks for a moment. “But I’ll probably put out the songs that I said I’ll put out.” I tell her that her fans would surely appreciate seeing what she’s been working on. “Maybe, maybe not,” she replies, grinning. “I think the fans want me to stop making metal, nu-metal. Which I will! I have, I have stopped making metal!” Meanwhile, she’s dropping demos for an augmented reality side project under the moniker “Dark,” scribbling away on a novel, and thinking about a suite of “hymns, like glossolalia vocal music,” but which she “probably won’t release as ‘Grimes,’” as she explains it. She has changed her artistic approach, and is intent on unshackling her creative impulses. “I read a book on speed painting, about how you just lay it down and become satisfied with it. So I’m trying to do a bunch of stuff like that right now. It does feel better, because it just contains more life,” she explains. “Shall I Compare Thee” embodies this speed-painting creative methodology: DIY production, recorded in “like, two hours.” But the other single from the album, “We Appreciate Power,” is the opposite. It’s polished to a shine, conceptual, accompanied by a well-produced video. “‘Power’ is sort of the end of the old music I was making,” she says. “This era of super-produced and perfected sound—it’s sort of a thesis on that, a bookend.” 

She’s eager to explain the concept of the new album. However she feels about the songs at any given moment, she’s clearly excited about the story that they’re telling. “Miss Anthropocene” is a character, essentially an anthropomorphization of the concept of climate change. The name is a witty pun on “misanthropy” and “anthropocene”—the geological era defined by humanity’s irrevocable impacts on the planet. “All the media about climate change is like one big guilt trip. It’s super depressing, like, here are some facts that make you wanna go home and kill yourself. It sucks and it sucks to look at, so people just kind of look away from it,” she says. “I want to change that. In ancient Greek culture you have these gods that represent abstract, terrifying concepts. Like a God of Death. So I wanted to make Miss Anthropocene this idea of, like, the God of Climate Change. She wants the world to end and she wants to bring about the end of humanity, but she’s fun. She’s fucking fun and evil!” Grimes laughs. “Also, climate change is beautiful, even if it’s terrifying. It’s so nice to look at. The sunsets are brighter and more beautiful. Volcanoes, oil rainbows, hurricanes... destruction is gorgeous—people are drawn to it.” 

Miss Anthropocene marks the end of an era for Grimes. When it’s released she’ll be finished with her obligations to her label, and she’s excited about the prospect of working without contractual restrictions. “I’ll never sign with another label. I’ll never have to put out another album... If I didn’t have this whole requirement to release an ‘album,’ I would have just dropped a bunch of music ages ago.” The album format, she says, feels increasingly ill-suited for her shape-shifting, experimental style. “Albums are trash unless you sit down and make a really good album. I’m not really that consistent. I feel like I would work better in like EP-ish formats.” 

It’s not the only departure from musical tradition that she’s considering. Touring, she tells me, has increasingly become a stressful obligation. “I wanna retire from touring. I wanna do a hologram tour. Why do we keep doing them for dead artists instead of living ones who have stage fright?” Does she still get stage fright, this far into her career? “Oh my god, yes. It’s nightmarish. Apocalyptic. Terrifying, horrible. I can’t hear clapping or cheers—I just hear an echo chamber of death. I black out. Dissociation—I can’t tell what’s happening. After a show I’m always thinking, What happened? And people are like ‘It’s ok!’ I know people like the authenticity of live performance, and I do too. But I’m not a good performer. I’m a director who accidentally fell into this position, and now it’s too late to change. So I need to Gorillaz it—I need to find a way to not have to do the Beyoncé thing as much.” 

The sense is that Grimes is finished with facades, done pretending, done jumping through hoops to meet our expectations for what a ‘pop-star’ should be. Coming to terms with all this has been a messy and difficult process, but she’s finally feeling like herself again. She’s optimistic, if wary. And she’s ready to let it all out. Her forthcoming album, to hear her tell it, is Grimes unleashed. “I feel like at times there is an extreme rage that I haven’t been able to lay down,” she says. “A rawness that I have withheld from the public, because people always told me to make it more accessible. I’ve given that up for this, and it’s been freeing.”

She’s confronting her past as well. Miss Anthropocene was written during a period of intense self-reflection, and in the midst of personal tragedy. After losing others to addiction and overdoses, yet another close friend had passed. She hints obliquely at her own struggles with substances. It’s hard for her to talk about, but she has confronted it head-on while making this album, and is ready to be honest with the public. “I had early disturbing experiences with kids coming up to me and admiring things that were self-destructive. I was like, fuck, people think it’s cool to cut yourself or vomit or do crack. That’s not good! But then it became this stifling thing,” she says. “I don’t know. I’ve lived this hard, fucked-up life. I can’t pretend I didn’t. It started feeling like I couldn’t express myself properly, because I was so worried about being a good role model. It scares me to be hyper-honest, but we never see women getting to be that way. There should be someone out there that’s messy and fucked up—for some people this is how it is. It scares me because I don’t want little kids to romanticize certain things that are not cool. But I also don’t want to lie about the reality of my existence. I can’t make super honest or super emotional art if I’m always pretending to be cool and chill all the time.”

Grimes’ fans, who love her rabidly, have expressed worry at times in the last few years. If it seems she’s been self-sabotaging, whether online or in her relationships with collaborators and partners, it’s because she really has struggled. But unlike most of us, every step of her journey has been seized upon by a fascinated public and a cynical press hungry for headlines and clicks. And her reticence to tell us what she was really going through left all the more room for speculation. “Two of my best friends died before I was 18, and I lost like five friends to opiate-related deaths. Really close friends. I had one die when I was on a shoot, and found out while filming the second day. All this stuff, fucked up stuff, is happening. Before I would just not mention any of it. I feel like I’ve been through war when I think that all these people around me are dead. In 2016, my good friend died. They were a friend of 15 years, and I felt nothing. Just nothing. And it was so weird. But, you know, there you go. So you start removing yourself from everybody because you don’t want to face it. Life becomes too shockingly fragile, you know?” 

It hasn’t been easy for Grimes to engage with her past, but talking about it—in her art, in interviews like this one—is helping. “I’ve gotten better. I was really fucked up in 2016 when I wrote this album, but now I’m doing much better. When I was going through the Art Angels cycle, I was having severe PTSD, and everyone was like, ‘Don’t let the public know!’ I know there are people who think I’ve fucked up the last year, and I do need to be more organized and reasonable and thoughtful at times, for sure. But I feel my art is better.” 

Grimes’ favorite part of her job comes before she records a single note. “Dreaming it up feels so easy. The making and releasing can be horrible, but the dreaming is always fun,” she sighs. And that’s why she’s such an interesting figure, right? She’s a prodigious dreamer. We may love the music—I still blast “Oblivion” on an almost monthly basis, revisit the strange and compelling world of Art Angels—but it does sometimes feel almost beside the point. Grimes is building a universe, and she’s shedding the strictures that get in the way of that grand vision—the album format, her label, even her own carefully-crafted identity. “Part of what I’m doing is setting up the world-building. Reverse Harry Potter it. Soundtrack comes first, then the fashion, then everything, everything, everything. Then the book, right before I die,” she says, not really joking. Reaching this point of liberation hasn’t been a smooth process. Grimes is unfailingly honest with herself, her own worst critic. But she feels free, she’s happy with what she’s creating, and her ambitions have only grown. We just need to get out of the way and let her dream. 

[ghost-avalyn]

After many hours of deliberation I came up with some answers to a questionnaire for Denver. <3 Questions can be found here! Some of the answers have dialogue, some have no dialogue, some are both.

Answers and stuff under the cut.

1.) What is your guardian’s name? What does it mean? What inspired you to choose that name for them?

Denver. No real reason, thought it was cute and when a name strikes me I usually stick with it because I'm chronically bad at naming.

2.) What did your guardian name their ghost? What does it mean? What inspired them to choose that name?

Her name is Avalyn. It means “beautiful breath of life”. The name is fairly self-explanatory. Mostly, he calls her Av.

“Heh, funny story. I was rezzed in a bookstore... I can't read. Av deciphers things for me, so it's not really worth it to learn. Anyways. I asked her what I could call her before I even figured out my own name. She took my request seriously and I helped her by turning the pages of some old-ass books. She found the name Avalyn. She seemed to like it, and she deserves a name she likes. So we kept it.”

3.) What is your guardians favorite weapon of choice? What mod do they use for it? Do they have a masterwork on it and if so, how many enemies have they killed with that weapon?

“Crimson looks pretty sweet with the gold studs. But I don't care about guns too much. Next question.”

4.) Do they participate in the Crucible often or do they just go to complete the daily challenges?

He likes participating in the Crucible to be immersed in the energy of battle and to screw around. He can't bring himself to care much about actually competing. He has an exposition kink so he's all about showing off his flips 'n shit.

“There are challenges? Man, that's news. I like showing off my flips, running around the maps, fucking around with the guardians. They're fun. They take things so seriously.”

5.) If your guardian had to choose to be another class, what class would they pick? Or would they stay the same?

He'd probably stay the same. The idea of being a big strong titan might appeal to him briefly, but only if his size were to change and I don't think it works that way.

“Oh! Would I get taller if I became a Titan? Unless it'd make me a bigger, beefier version of myself, no dice. I'd make a pretty lame Warlock, too.”

6.) What is their favorite subclass within their own class?

He's an Arcstrider, he knows no other life. Arc energy flows naturally for him, as if it chose him. The body movement with Arc Staff suits his innate connection to his center of gravity.  

“Arcstrider for sure. If I was smarter, maybe I could figure out how to use different energy. Maybe I'm just lazy, I don't know. I needed Arc energy more than the others and it kinda came to me naturally. I'm not the Avatar over here.”

7.) What is their favorite subclass in a different class?

I wanted to go with something other than Striker, but, he has a strong affinity for Arc and can't help but admire the amount of force and energy that super utilizes.

“Strikers are sexy.”

8.) Would they rather receive a titan kiss ( a hard ass headbutt that mostly results in death ), asking a warlock a question that might result in a long explanation, or deciding to play the knife game with hunter and bet at high stakes?

“That's a tough one. But uh, probably go with the knife-game, it sounds fun.”

9.) Would they prank other guardians or just their close friends? What kind of pranks would they pull?

He'd be fairly cordial with any guardian that hadn't already pranked him in some way – that would be the green light. Except Dutch, he will forever be [attempting to] push him off ledges to get a rise out of that exo.

“I won't mess with a guardian I don't know. Unless, you know, they prank me first. But then we officially know each other, and it's fair game. With Dutch, I'm always trying to pull a fast one on him and somehow the fucker is always one step ahead of me. Do Exos have literal eyes on the back of their heads?”

10.) Which vanguard member to they like to hang out with the most?

He likes chilling with Cayde. He wants to learn more about Exos, and even if Cayde doesn't offer much in the way of knowledge, it's a nice breather to visit him every once in a while as he's a total opposite to Dutch personality-wise.

“Cayde is my bro. The other Vanguard members seem kinda... high strung for me. They don't like me very much anyways. Cayde doesn't mind when I show up unannounced, he's always up for company, and sometimes I need a break from Dutch's seriousness.”

11.) Who would they fmk out of Skolas, Ghaul, and Calus?

“I'd fuck the Fallen guy, marry the rich guy, and kill the asshole. Is there any other way to answer this question?”

12.) What kind of hobbies do they do in their free time? Are there any particular skills they have that help them with this hobby(s)?

“People watching, clubbing, dancing... Just hanging out.”

13.) What is their favorite armor set and what shader do they use for it?

Kairos armor set with Shinobu's vow, and Omolon Meteor Gloss.

14.) Do they prefer silence or are they unbothered in loud areas?

Denver is not a fan of silence. He didn't really think much about this until he started his life at The Tower and felt quite at home with the relative amount of chaos.

“I like loud areas with a lot of different things to pay attention to. Silence is boring.”

15.) Are they afraid of storms? If so, is there a specific reason why?

Nope, he loves them. The white noise calms him, the thunder claps excite him, and he absorbs arc energy considerably better in this kind of weather.

“Stormy weather is my favorite. I've been struck by lightning a few times. I'm pretty sure that's what happened. I was able to run off that energy and power my town for days without stopping.”

16.) Who were they before their ghost revived them? Do they know about this and if so how or what did they use to learn about themselves?

Denver grew up with his mother in a group of ten or so refugees far from any new-age civilization. They stuck together in a small pack, doing a lot of foraging to meet their basic needs. The group didn't get involved in war/political affairs and mainly kept to themselves.

“I dunno, but I don't think about the past much even when it's something I do remember.”

17.) How close are your guardian and their ghost? If they are not close, would your guardian kill their ghost and choose to answer the darkness’ calls?

They are best friends, partners in [sorta] crime. Avalyn calls Denver out on any of his bullshit but follows him loyally wherever they go.

“I love Av. We do everything together. She helps me out so much, and she makes a lot of good points about life-stuff.”

18.) Would your guardian engage in a romantic relationship with Fallen, Cabal, Hive, etc? If so, what do they find attractive about the species?

I don't know that he's ever considered it.

“Hm, Fallen are pretty good-looking. But romance? There's a bit of a language barrier there.”

19.) Who is their favorite lore hero? Example, Jolder, Saint-14, Andal Brask, etc. Why is this person their favorite and in what ways do they inspire your guardian? What would your guardian say if they were face to face with them?

He's heard some stories about Andal through his relationship with Cayde-6, he admires the strength of their friendship and wishes he was able to know the guy in person.

20.) Does your guardian like plants? If so, what kinds? Do they prefer flowers or trees or shrubs? Would they start a garden?

“Trees are nice, I guess. Especially those huge ones on Nessus.”

21.) If your guardian became obsessed with something, what would it be?

“Why do the exos get reset??? Does it shift them farther away from who they really are, is it convenient, and if it is convenient, to who?”

22.) Do they like reading books or watching movies or both? What genres are their favorites? Does their fireteam have the same taste?

Denver prefers watching movies because it can be a co-op experience. He can absorb the information with someone else and bounce it off of them, figuring out how his experience aligns with others'.

“Movies are cool with friends. I don't read. If I really wanted to, I could have Av help me read something, but I dunno. I'd rather have a conversation with someone who knows what they're talking about.”

23.) What kind of music do they like? Do they dance around anybody in any situation or in the privacy of their quarters? What would their favorite song from the Golden Age be?

He prefers future bass like “Exhale Therapy” by Conrank, or psychedelic pop, see “Feel it Still” by Portugal. The Man. But anything with a good beat is accepted.

“Hell yeah! I'll dance anywhere, everywhere, for anyone who's willing to watch. ;)”

24.) What does their living space look like? Are there a bunch of pictures around or do Knick knacks cover the shelves? Do they enjoy bright, neutral, or dark colors? Would they purchase a fur rug?

“My living space? Oh right. I have a bunk, but I don't spend much time there. Dutch's house is way nicer.”

IMO Denver lives in a shared living quarters with several other lower-ranked Guardians. He spends many more nights with Dutch-9 in his swank-ass modern-looking house, or Cayde's living quarters. He doesn't settle in one particular area, he can even be found couch surfing in the city. As far as personal belongings such as clothing, he does fancy bright, obnoxious coloring and is sometimes known to collect knick-knacks to adorn Avalyn's shell [with her approval] or just to collect dust in his bag/vault.

25.) Do they travel around the city often? If so, what are their favorite places to go and who do they go with? Are the civilians ever excited to see them or do they give them a look because of precious mishaps that resulted in property damage?

He does travel the city often. He likes anything that can be done in tandem with other people. Rather than dragging friends along, he tends to insert himself into groups easily, usually at bars/clubs, making tons of acquaintances and not many close friends. He likes to feel like he “knows people” and makes conversation with the owners of the buildings, yearning for a sense of belonging. Since his found-family from the refugee town was taken in by the city, he also visits them often to check on how city life is treating them and helps them out any way he can. He definitely has done some damage to local venues but does everything in his power to make it right when that happens.

26.) Are they good with kids? If not, how do they react when a child tries to talk to them? If they are good with kids, what kind of things do they do to entertain them?

“Kids are awesome. They're just... authentic, you know? I want to hear about their perspective on things. But I'll show them Arc-staff tricks if they're not into telling me their ideas about the world.”

27.) Are they in love with Shaxx?

“He's a great hype-man. I dig his enthusiasm. In love? Nah, but I have a normal amount of love for him.”

28.) When your guardian sleeps, are they stiff and stay in one spot or wild and kick off the sheets? Do they have nightmares often and if so, about what? How often do they sleep?

He's a bed hog, sprawling out his limbs and tossing and turning frequently. Sometimes known to react violently to being prodded if his partner wants to grab some of the blanket.

“Yeah, I've been told I'm a restless sleeper. I disagree, I'm a heavy sleeper. But... I guess I do take up more than my side of the bed. I love sleeping. Can I add that to my hobbies?”

29.) Do they enjoy coffee, tea, soda, or water? Would they mix all of these together and drink the liquid on a dare?

“Leaf water and mud water is nasty. I'll drink soda all day, but Av reminds it's not great for my stomach. Oh, a dare? Definitely.”

30.) What about their personality attracts other guardians to them? What is it about other guardians that attracts your guardian to them?

“My personality? I'm mostly nice, so maybe that's why I have an easy time making friends. And other guardians... Well, everyone has a story. I like to find out their side of things. See what makes them tick. It works out well, because everyone loves talking about themselves... Almost.”

[theteenagetrickster]

A Candid Conversation With K. Michelle - Rated R&B

K. Michelle has made a career out of walking in her truth. Her delivery might be off-putting to some, but her unfiltered commentary is all from a sincere place. For instance, the misunderstood singer doesn’t mind offering real guidance to the fresh voices in today’s R&B era; but she’s no yes-man, though.

“I think when it comes to the new people you have to support,” K. Michelle candidly tells Rated R&B. “I want to offer all the support so that they don’t make the same mistakes I made because I made a lot of them. But, I’m not going to offer no fake shit. If I don’t like it, I don’t like it.”

It’s a chilly Monday afternoon in mid-January and the Memphis native is running a few minutes behind for our call. It’s a heavy day of phone interviews for the R&B star. The calls are special, though. They are in support of her latest album All Monsters Are Human, which is available everywhere.

K. Michelle’s team heads the call and invites the woman of the hour to kick off the eagerly-anticipated conversation. She is in great spirits from the chirpy tone of her voice and is seemingly eager to talk about her latest work before she makes a run to Target.

But first, before the new album discussion, it was only right to congratulate her on making the list — Rated R&B’s 50 Best R&B Albums of the 2010s list, of course.

Her sophomore album, , made our unranked albums list ahead of the New Year. Considered by many as her finest album, K. Michelle is equally as smitten as the critics, five years after its breakthrough release.

“That album was amazing,” she confidently says. “I’m not saying that because it’s mine. I listen to it still and be like, ‘Girl, this is good’.”

The emotive singer-songwriter is hoping for a similar reaction with All Monsters Are Human. Truth be told, her fifth studio release, the follow-up to 2017’s , felt like it wasn’t going to be put out. Most of the slow starts for the All Monsters Are Human release, which she first hinted for a September 2018 arrival, were attributed to her serious health battle after multiple surgeries to remove her butt enhancements.

In a fight for her life, completing an album was the last thing on her mind. Clawing her way out from this time that could have proved fatal and a mountain of other somber moments that almost delayed AMAH wasn’t easy, but she made it through. How did she get past it? She went into the studio and recorded music that her loyal Rebels would instantly love.

Now, she’s back with tons of new music — including a new mixtape () and a proper full-length album. The latter collection, however, is the first independent studio effort released through her imprint Chase Landin, LLC d/b/a No Color No Sound Records.

All Monsters Are Human includes her street single “Supahood” featuring Kash Doll and Yung Miami of the City Girls. It also includes her blazing single “The Rain.” Produced by Cory Mo and Jazze Pha, the New Edition-sampling hit has infiltrated the top 10 on the Billboard Adult R&B Songs chart.

The dripping ode is now the highest-charting single of her career on this chart, with “Make This Song Cry” and “V.S.O.P.” both peaking at No. 13, respectively.

In our conversation with K. Michelle, the R&B powerhouse talks All Monsters Are Human, evolving as an artist, fighting to record a country album, her thoughts on musicianship in today’s R&B and much more.

All Monsters Are Human is the title of your first release since parting ways with Atlantic Records, who backed your four previous albums. At one point in your career, you mentioned the label allowed you creative control. But, on the new album’s opener “Just Like Jay,” you said they wanted you to follow the Mary J. Blige blueprint. When did it hit you that having your own music identity was no longer a priority for the label?

It was never a priority. I still love my label. We’re still in good standings. I never picked a single. I was able to do my albums but when it came down to the country album, it always had to be pushed off. The crossover records had to be pushed off the album. There was no room and they didn’t fit. So, me being kind of naive as an artist, I was always told the next album is the time.

On one album I was told, ‘This record is too big for [you]’ to my face. So, after this last time, I realized they’re never going to let me do this. I did a whole country album. The last album was supposed to be that. They would not let me turn it in after they spent money on me recording it. They were just saving face. So I realized that as long as I was there, they were going to fight for me to be the next Mary J. Blige. Nothing is wrong with Mary J. Blige (she’s one of my favorite artists of all time) but at some point you want your own identity to be who you are.

Each of your predecessors showcases a nice variety of your diverse artistry, which doesn’t always translate into a bonafide radio hit. As an artist who has been committed to never chasing the charts and only the hearts, how do you feel being celebrated more for the overall album than its true singles?

That’s fine with me. I’m always celebrated for my overall work. It’s supposed to be a masterpiece. That’s what I did learn from R. Kelly. One thing he said to me that I always will remember is, “Just because the record isn’t a radio record doesn’t mean it’s not a hit.” That’s because the amount of money is not being paid. Just because you didn’t buy your Grammy, doesn’t mean you don’t deserve one. I don’t play the politics of the industry. If I was to sell out and play into the politics of the industry, I don’t think my fans would appreciate it as much.

I think people that love me are rebellious. We’re in our own world where all we do is listen to music. We don’t deal with the rest of the stuff. I don’t like red carpets. I do get invited to the awards, you know what I’m saying? I didn’t get invited to the Billboard Awards even though they made me the top five R&B artists [that year]. It’s crazy, right? This whole shuck and jive, cooning out game is one big, fake coonery that I’m just not apart of and never have been. I know who I’m willing to be and who I’m willing to sleep with and not. I know what’s going on.

Something that noticeably stood out after listening to All Monsters Are Human is that many songs sound slightly more radio-friendly than your previous albums.

You think so?

Yeah. There were a few songs that repeated a lot, like “OMG,” that had a certain radio appeal. So, what was your mind frame sonically while recording this album?

Everywhere. I was kind of up some days and down others. [This album] has a lighter sound. I wanted to lean into lighter songs because I was trying to be in a lighter place and not feel as heavy on a lot of the songs that made the album. I was heavy for two years sick. When I got in the booth this time, I was happy to be back in there and I didn’t want to be that heavy. I recorded a lot in different booths and different fashions but the songs that made the album seemed to me like the days weren’t so heavy.

At one point you mentioned that “Save Me” was a pre-album single. However, it didn’t make the final cut on AMAH. Why?

“Save Me” was something I was going through with my boyfriend at that time. It’s still on iTunes, so fans still can get it. I’m going to do that through the year, too. I’m going to just give out songs throughout the year on iTunes. I’m going to just start getting with these producers and say, “Hey. Let’s just put out these songs throughout the month and start rolling them out.” I don’t do that but I have too many records just sitting.

You seem to always be inspired musically by different entertainers and their public stories, from Drake to Kim Kardashian and now Ciara. How did you decide a record like “Ciara’s Prayer” needed to take creative shape?

Because I just say it all the time and I always write about life. So, I wondered, “Was her karma that good? How did she get that man? (laughs).” I want to know if there are any other men like that. If so, where do they live? I want to know (laughs).

Now that “The Rain” has proved a hit, what song are you considering for the follow-up?

Well, you know radio can take longer. I’ve had to break it down to my fans that “[The] Rain” is still brand new at radio, and it’s still moving. So, I’ll probably sit with “[The] Rain” for some more months before anything else happens. R&B records can take up to nine months to get even midpoint. I’m just hearing “[The] Rain” for myself on the radio. Stations are still adding the record. It’s a hit record and it’s moving. But after “[The] Rain” is finished, I’m probably going to go to a record called “That Game.”

I know the fan favorites. I put up “[The] Rain” and the number of views on YouTube from them ripping it from our [Instagram] live was so crazy that it had to be a single. “That Game” is the same way. It’s on YouTube ripped from [Instagram] live and they’re begging for that. So, I might do that. I know Moneybagg Yo gets on that record next week. I’m going to start getting some rappers and do some remixes of the album just for fun. So, once you guys learn that album, I’ll put out in like 2-3 weeks some remixes probably with some of my favorite rappers. I’ll put those out for free and fun. Music doesn’t always have to cost a lot of money.

Up early listening to new R&B artist and this is the best way to fall asleep, this shit has no soul and it boring. It plays like one big lullaby. I’m so confused by it

— K. Michelle (@kmichelle) January 8, 2020

R&B seems to be the genre that is the most guarded by its conservatives. Often times, there are conversations about the absence of traditional R&B elements like pure vocals and soul in the modern R&B era. You even described the evolving sound like a “one big lullaby.” How do you and other seasoned acts believe newcomers should express their form of art if it’s being asked to be boxed in traditional R&B mode?

See, I don’t speak for other artists unlike Tank, who hopped in on some shit that didn’t have shit to do with him. He was the same one losing his mind when Jacquees said he was the king of R&B. Now you want to comment behind me when I said it’s one big lullaby? Stay over there, General. Stay in your lane.

It does all sound like one big fucking lullaby. What you want me to do, lie? There’s no heart. There’s no soul. It’s a lot of great artists. I also said that in my tweet, which we like to overlook, and shouldn’t be overlooked in this article. I said that they’re some great artists and songs, but the bodies of work are lacking. I believe in bodies of work, as you can tell from my body of work. So there are artists that I absolutely love that are new R&B artists.

I will never say the baby’s name or disrespect them or anyone but I was listening to a group of different R&B artists that morning. I was literally falling asleep. There was no umph. I popped in Ari Lennox and I was excited. You are supposed to be excited. I listened to other artists and I wasn’t excited. That’s my right as an artist. I’m minding the business that pays me.

She is phenomenal and one of my favorites, I think people just always want to vilify me. I don’t have to love everything I hear. But Mrs.Ari excites me not one bit of boring. https://t.co/uZymxcoUtg

— K. Michelle (@kmichelle) January 9, 2020

I wish it would just get back to the music…to just the singing and writing. You don’t get but three minutes and thirty seconds to paint a picture and to tell a movie. Where are the bridges? We don’t do bridges no more? That’s when you really break it down. That’s when the music really feels good to you and touches your soul. If you’re an artist and you can’t make a musical bridge, then you ain’t no artist.

So, that’s all I’m asking. I’m even challenging myself to step up. All this talk about country music and you never put it out. I’m challenging myself. I’m challenging every artist out there to give your fans something that they paid for. Give them something that’s going to make their day better — not just something that’s going to make your pockets bigger.

Speaking on your highly-anticipated country album, how are you hoping to break the color line in a controlled genre where you don’t see many artists that look like you?

This is me just having to fight. There is no way you can plan this. This is something you’re going to have to get in there and fight for. I’m going to do what it is that I need to do, which is make great music. That’s all I can do. I’m very excited about this because country artists are reaching out to me. I received a call from Billy Ray Cyrus, who is really supportive. So, I’m going to work this R&B album and make people hear every single song on this album.

Once people hear this album, I’m about to do something different with this country album. I promise you. It’s time. You’re not ready for what’s about to happen. If you think I’m good on my other albums [singing country], wait until you hear my voice and where it’s supposed to be. I had to sneak those songs in there on other albums, sir (laughs). But I’m finna to walk into it and I’m going to fight like never before. I need my people to have my back instead of fighting against me all the time. I’m fin’ to take on a whole nother situation and I need my people.

How does one have a natural progression as an artist? Also, where do you see your artistry evolving in the next decade?

I think a natural progression is just that — natural. You can say where you want to go, but that doesn’t mean you’re going to go there. For me, my progression has always been growth. It’s just been all about me growing to be better while challenging myself in the weaknesses that I have in my craft. I’m a lyric girl over a melody girl. I like to make sure that my lyrics are detailed and that someone can really relate to them. My melodies sometimes can be repetitive, which I know is one of my weaknesses as an artist.

I see myself moving into this country album after this album. I’m going to sit in that a while and fight for that so it can be easier for some other women that are my color.

As a musician, who has tight songwriting skills and a sonically sound ear, are there any rising and established artists you’d like to write or collaborate with on the production side in the future?

I really want to work with Dolly Parton. That’s really it. I really love her.

Stream All Monsters Are Human by K. Michelle below.

This content was originally published here.

[chelseawolfemusic]

Chelsea Wolfe Talks Hiss Spun // MusicRadar

The word ‘artist’ is used with witless abandon in music, but with Californian songwriter Chelsea Wolfe it feels wholly appropriate. 

An originator and creator, over five albums she has constructed an intricate, dark body of work, one capable of crossing vast spaces, from gothic folk to black metal, while still feeling part of the same awe-inspiring aesthetic. 

2015’s Abyss saw the Sargent House-signed songwriter develop a cavernous dynamic presence through gigantic, dystopian riffs, all contrasted with a tortured Cocteau Twins vocal. Now she has returned with Hiss Spun – a record that bathes in the bleakness of the current global outlook and delves ever deeper into musical extremes. 

Produced by Kurt Ballou and featuring Queens Of The Stone Age’s Troy Van Leeuwen, it’s her heaviest album to date and something of a black mirror record – one that points aggressively at our ugliest tendencies and states: ‘what hath man wrought?’ or in 21st century terms: ‘look at this gigantic shit storm’. 

We spoke to Chelsea about Hiss Spun, what it was like working with Troy Van Leeuwen and Kurt Ballou and the primordial origins of white noise… 

This album was produced by Kurt Ballou at his GodCity studio in Salem, Massachusetts during the winter months. It really feels like you can hear that snow-quieted landscape on the likes of Vex or Two Spirit. How did that surrounding impact you and, by extension, the record? 

The sense of the cold, quiet outside contrasted with the hissing radiators of the warm interiors is reflected on the record 

“Yes, I think the sense of the cold, quiet outside contrasted with the hissing radiators of the warm interiors is reflected on the record. One of the reasons I wanted to record in Salem is because I fell in love with Kurt’s studio last year when I was there working on Converge Blood Moon. 

“Sometimes a building has no effect on the recordings, but sometimes it becomes a character in it. I’d say the GodCity building played a big role in this record. The building has three levels: the basement dungeon where much of the drums were recorded, the middle studio area where all the guitars were recorded, and then the upstairs apartment and vocal room. So I thought of it almost like hell, limbo and heaven... Each level had its own personality.” 

What are Kurt’s greatest strengths as a producer? What does he bring to a record or a session? 

I knew Kurt Ballou would get the kind of metallic, almost engine-like tones I wanted for the bass and guitars 

“I wanted to work with him because this record is very drum-focused, and I’ve been a fan of how he records drums for years. Also I knew he’d get the kind of metallic, almost engine-like tones I wanted for the bass and guitars. 

“When it came to vocals, it was on me to conjure up what I wanted to, but I had already planned for that because I come into the studio really prepared and almost utilitarian-like: ready to work and push myself as far as I can.” 

When we last spoke, you described the tensions - borne from two strong-willed creative characters - you had with John Congleton as being “immediate” but ultimately very positive on Abyss. What sources of tension were there on Hiss Spun? Was it required this time? 

“This time is was more of an internal struggle... A lot of these songs are about my own memories, self-destruction, addiction and ill-health so I had to face that and try to become stronger than the songs I was writing; stronger than the memories.” 

Troy Van Leeuwen joins you throughout Hiss Spun. Why did that stick? What made that playing/writing relationship such a successful one? 

“I knew Troy would get the kind of weird, twisted emotions these songs needed and he did. He’s a great guy and one of my favourite guitar players. 

“The main lead lines on Spun are Troy, and the leads on the choruses for 16 Psyche. I also left space for him on that song to do an aching lead part over the bridge. While he was playing I could feel my guts wrenching and it was perfect, so I asked him to keep going in that direction. 

“He’s on a few others songs playing lead like Offering. Bryan [Tulao, guitarist] played lead on The Culling and Static Hum, both of which are my guitar songs, along with 16 Psyche. Ben [Chisholm] actually wrote a lot of the guitar for this album as well, like the main part for Spun, Vex, Particle Flux and Twin Fawn.” 

In an interview with No Clean Singing you talk about finding “the right guitar and the right pedals and microphone” before writing. How early in your writing process do you consider tone? Why? 

“When I’m initially writing and making demos I’m just going on instincts, but then once we’re in the studio I’ll hone it in and try to think about what’s right for the song - something deep or something more tinny and lo-fi. 

“Kurt helped guide me on this journey, finding the right amps and pedals. I ended up just using this EarthQuaker [power amp distortion] pedal called Acapulco Gold, though; it weirdly fit on a lot of songs.” 

What were your main guitars and amplifiers on the recordings? And how did you use them to get such sizeable distortion sounds? 

The really big distortion tones on the likes of Twin Fawn came about because there are about six layers of guitars on those choruses 

“There was an old Gibson amp I think Kurt uses on a lot of recordings that I used a lot... it just has that great vintage tone, but I was also drawn to his Klipp and used that a lot. The Gibson is an older one for sure. Basically Kurt set up a wall of amps and we just went through and tried them all until I was drawn to the sound of one. It ended up being those two! 

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“In general I don’t always know the technical details of all the gear I choose, I just collect guitars, amps and pedals that I like instinctually. I knew I wanted the guitar tones to sound really metallic on this album, almost like a motorcycle engine, so I was seeking that out on the amp journey. 

“For guitars, I used a Fender Jazzmaster with a Randy Rhoads Dean neck, my Gibson 335s, and a borrowed classical. The really big distortion tones on the likes of Twin Fawn came about because there are about six layers of guitars on those choruses…” 

A Fender Jazzmaster with a Dean neck is quite an unusual beast. What drew you to that instrument? 

“That’s one of Kurt’s guitars - I don’t actually know the story behind it, but I saw it sitting amongst other guitars and was drawn to it. The neck instantly felt good in my hands and then Kurt told me it was the Randy Rhoads edition. I’m such a fan and had Crazy Train on repeat the year before, so it felt meant to be. Plugged into the Earthquaker Acapulco it was a great sound so I ended up using that combo a lot.” 

What do you consider to be the most successful guitar moment on the album? 

“16 Psyche was a riff I had kicking around for a year or so, and when I finally brought it to the band I wasn’t sure if anything would come of it, but right away we all had tons of ideas and it came together really quickly. 

“Another moment is Ben’s guitar playing on Twin Fawn. He also played through that Klipp and layered the choruses maybe six times - I love the little feedback moments on the pauses, and the way the guitars and drums come together at the end of that song is one of my favourite parts of the album.” 

Your press sheet interlinks one of the album’s central themes - global destruction - with the white noise that occurs throughout the album. Why do you think this sound is suited to the topic? What association does it hold for you? 

I’ve had a strong affinity for white noise since I was a kid 

“Carl Sagan said that 1% of TV and radio static is relic sound from the Big Bang. I think something about that connection to the origin is comforting, and I’ve had a strong affinity for white noise since I was a kid. I was talking more about confronting the chaos of the world with your own internal chaos - accepting the mess of yourself and finding strength through that.” 

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You’ve said that you want to write escapist music. We get that sensation with the likes of 16 Psyche. Where does the escapism come for you? 

“I find a lot of freedom in music. I have my writing studio at home, so I can be in a place where I feel fully myself, and I can work and write at any hour of the day. 

“Onstage, it’s taken me years to become comfortable, but my way of dealing is just to lose myself into the songs. Last year, while I was relocating back to Northern California, I was staying with family while I was in-between houses. I didn’t have a lot of personal space, so I ended up writing a lot in headphones, and was reminded of that sense of escapism in music, where you can totally tune out your surroundings and slip into a new world.” 

“It seems like the world has been in tears for months, and then you remember it’s been fucked for a long time, it’s been fucked since the beginning. It’s overwhelming and I have to write about it.” In the face of this, do you think escapism is enough? 

“No, of course not. I was being honest in saying that that’s sometimes how I deal, but I also strive to put a lot of reality about the world into my songs, and tell stories of people to honour them. 

“Particle Flux, for example, has some lines in the choruses that were inspired by watching a short documentary about the refugee crisis coming out of Syria - seeing how these families were torn from their homes and sometimes torn apart, but still remaining so strong: mothers and fathers still trying to make their children smile and pushing on against the terrible situation they’re facing. 

“I have a B-side coming out later this year which I’ll be donating the proceeds of to the UNHCR (UN Refugee Agency). There are so many refugee situations right now and they’re struggling to keep up funding for all of them.” 

You have traditionally been portrayed as a shy character, but this album feels more overt. Do you feel you are gaining confidence in your abilities as a writer and performer? 

“Getting older as a woman and as an artist, I’m becoming more confident, or maybe just giving less of a fuck what people think. [Ultimately] it was fun to write some songs that were more in-your-face and aggressive.”

[freewlll-remade-blog]

tagged by @dunmerhealer​ i lov u but this is so long

Rules: Answer all questions and tag 20 people.

1. What is your nickname?

Chupa, Chupacabra, fancy Lancey!

2. What is your zodiac sign?

taurus!!

3. What is your favorite book series?

the harry potter books. i’m questioning ron as well

4. Do you believe in aliens or ghosts?

yes!! absolutely!! i 100% believe in both. 

5. Who is your favorite author?

i used to really be into jerry spinelli, especially the book smiles to go. 

6. What is your current favorite song?

lowlife by poppy omg

7. What is your favorite word?

lonely, bismuth, charismatic are my favorite words. 

8. What was the last song you listened to?

bliss by muse!

9. What TV show would you recommend for everybody to watch?

pretty little liars and izombie!! both are incredible. 

10. What is your favorite movie to watch when you’re feeling down?

ummmm deadpool omg

11. Do you play video games?

yeah!! skyrim is a big special interest for me!!

12. What is your biggest fear?

suffocation and people i care about being disappointed in me. 

13. What is your best quality, in your opinion?

i’m always willing to try my best and i’m passionate!

14. What is your worst quality, in your opinion?

ummm i’m too hard on myself all the time and i give up easily. 

15. What is your favorite season?

winter!

16. Are you in a relationship?

nope!! but i am crushing on someone.

17. What is something you miss from your childhood?

my parents not hating me lmao

18. Who is your best friend?

um probably sage, miles, scout, or my friend tj! i hope the people i mention consider me their close friends too ;;; 

19. What is your eye color?

brown and gold !!

20. What is your hair color?

caramel brown

21. Who is someone you love?

my best friends! see #18. 

22. Who is someone you trust?

my bestest friend in the whole world tj

23. Who is someone you think about often?

see question 18 and also keith kogane

24. Are you currently excited about/for something?

voltron season 4 and grand rapids comic con!

25. What is your biggest obsession?

skyrim !!! oh my gosh i love skyrim so much

26. What was your favorite TV show as a child?

i don’t know... i didn’t watch a ton of tv as a kid.

27. Do you have any unusual phobias?

i am terrified to death of ants!

28. Do you prefer to be in front of the camera or behind it?

either! usually behind but w/e

29. What is your favorite hobby?

uhhh i collect books in skyrim and i enjoy thinking about death

30. What was the last book you read?

the harry potter books!!!

31. What was the last movie you watched?

uhh either deadpool or sleeping beauty

32. What musical instruments do you play, if any?

uhhh i sing but i can play bass clarinet fairly well

33. What is your favorite animal?

an octopus hands down. or a bulldog idk

34. What are your top 5 favorite Tumblr blogs that you follow?

uhhhhhh @dunmerhealer​ @gta-v​ @cryptidquill​ @depressionmeal​ and @sayakuro​ are all lovely

35. What superpower do you wish you had?

shape shifting or getting a good nights sleep

36. When and where do you feel most at peace?

while playing skyrim, singing

37. What makes you smile?

my friends and my dog!

38. What sports do you play, if any?

i do competitive swimming and avoiding my emotionally abusive parents 

39. What is your favorite drink?

cherry cola or root beer from mug n bun

40. Are you afraid of heights?

eh not really

41. What is your biggest pet peeve?

people talking/making a bunch of noise during my tv shows

42. Have you ever been to a concert?

yeah! 

43. When you were little, what did you want to be when you grew up?

a potion maker!!!

44. What fictional world would you like to live in?

tamriel or w/e universe the sims takes place in 

45. What is something you worry about?

besides literally everything? whether people hate me or not

46. Are you scared of the dark?

depends, it scares me at times

47. Do you like to sing?

yes yes yes i love to sing

48. Have you ever skipped school?

yeah, a couple times;;; 

49. What is your favorite place on the planet?

my bed. 

50. Where would you like to live?

ideally? the arctic circle bc it’s cold and dry without mosquitoes but probably somewhere like canada or something where im not gonna be a victim of a hate crime

51. Do you have any pets?

uhhhh yeah! i have a dog and a cat and one fish!

52. Are you more of an early bird or a night owl?

night owl, definitely. 

53. Do you like sunrises or sunsets better?

uhhh sunrise when i’m awake for them

54. Do you know how to drive?

yeah but i don’t like it...

55. Do you prefer earbuds or headphones?

earbuds are easier for me but either way idc

56. Have you ever had braces?

nope! my teeth are the only straight thing about me

57. What is your favorite genre of music?

i like everything except reggae and country, but i usually listen to rap, pop, and alt rock/pop

58. Who is your hero?

ummmm maybe marsha p. johnson...

59. Do you read comic books?

sometimes, i prefer graphic novels. 

60. What makes you the most angry?

a lot of things but mostly people who are mean to ppl in the service industry (servers, customer service ppl, etc)

61. Do you prefer to read on an electronic device or with a real book?

it totally depends on what i’m reading.

62. What is your favorite subject in school?

history probably. i love ancient history. 

63. Do you have any siblings?

just one. but.... i don’t like him much. 

64. What was the last thing you bought?

scab blood and liquid latex. 

65. How tall are you?

5′6 i think?

66. Can you cook?

yeah! i love to cook!!! :3

67. What are three things that you love?

tes (especially skyrim), my friends, and my dog

68. What are three things that you hate?

people talking during my shows, clusters of bugs, and the bubbling thing pancakes do

69. What is your sexual orientation?

im a gay ol boy

70. Where do you currently live?

michigan!!

71. Who was the last person you texted?

ummm tj

72. When was the last time you cried?

like yesterday oh my god

73. Who is your favorite YouTuber?

i like dan and phil, and i like buzzfeed for buzzfeed unsolved.

74. Do you like to take selfies?

... yeah

75. What is your favorite app?

when i had a smartphone, i loved snapchat

76. What is your relationship with your parent(s) like?

..... no comment. 

77. What is your favorite foreign accent?

i don’t have one....

78. What is a place that you’ve never been to, but you want to visit?

petra in jordan!!

79. What is your favorite number?

420 ayyyyyyy

80. Do you find outer space of the deep ocean to be more interesting?

deep ocean but i’m scared of both bc i’m scared of wide open spaces

81. Do you consider yourself to be a daredevil?

at best an adrenaline junkie? 

82. Are you allergic to anything?

nope!

83. Can you wiggle your ears?

yeah! i taught myself how. 

84. How often do you admit that you were wrong about something?

not often. blame it on the fact that im a taurus

85. Do you prefer the forest or the beach?

the forest. i’m not a fan of the beach...

86. What is your favorite piece of advice that anyone has ever given you?

that i need to figure out other people’s love language to have better relationships with people

87. Are you a good liar?

yeah... 

88. What is your Hogwarts House?

im hufflepuff as huffle-fuck

89. Do you talk to yourself?

yeah, or i talk to teeny. teeny is a voice in my head ig?

90. Are you an introvert or an extrovert?

im actually really extroverted!

91. Do you keep a journal/diary?

no. i’m not very good at keeping up with one

92. Do you believe in second chances?

no, but i give them to people anyways

93. Do you believe that people are capable of change?

not really.

94. Are you ticklish?

not if anyone asks!

95. Have you ever been on a plane?

yeah! i love flying on planes actually!

96. Do you have any piercings?

yeah i used to but all ear piercings get infected.

97. What fictional character do you wish was real?

shiro. i think.... i think he would be proud of all i’ve done...

98. Do you have any tattoos?

yeah! i have a moon on my inner arm near my elbow, harry potter tattoos on my inner ankles, and a bee on my outer left ankle. all small, all stick and poke

99. What is the best decision that you’ve made in your life so far?

coming out as trans ig?

100. Do you believe in karma?

yeah, kinda. i more believe “talk shit, get hit”

101. Do you wear glasses or contacts?

glasses!

102. Do you want children?

not really...

103. Who is the smartest person you know?

i don’t know. 

104. What is your most embarrassing memory? (EMETO WARNING FOR THIS ONE)

chugging a 20oz mountain dew in choir and then puking it up less than 10 minutes later

105. Have you ever pulled an all-nighter?

yep.

106. What color are most of your clothes?

i have a variety of colors but a lot of black and blue

107. Do you like adventures?

sometimes!

108. Have you ever been on TV?

no, i don’t think so!

109. How old are you?

17!

110. What is your favorite quote?

We never taste perfect joy; our happiest successes are mixed with sadness. - Pierre Corneille

111. Do you prefer sweet or savory foods?

i like both, but i love sweet

112. Have your friends ever badly disappointed you?

yeah. 

113. What is your favorite scent?

rain, lemonade, fresh washed strawberries, green apple shampoo

114. Random fact you know?

uhhhhhhhhh im gay? 

115. What is your opinion on long distance relationships?

i am in a lot of them bc im ugly irl

alright!!! i’m not tagging anyone bc i don’t want anyone else to be like me and spend over 45 minutes doing this

[textales]

“The Kid is Hot Tonight.”

One of my best friends in Junior High was a girl named Sam. Her mom was the first female Top-40 Disk Jockey in Montana, and the reason I got into the radio business.  

Back then AM still ruled the air – even if it was in mono and all crackly.  The FM band was obscure - saved for nerdy technocrats who smoked pipe tobacco and hung out at the library…or worse, Radio Shack!   Even though it was in stereo and superior in sound quality, FM was not yet as popular as AM. Most FM stations ran in automation, playing boring lectures from some college, or “beautiful music” suitable for any elevator.  AM was fun and live and fantastically phenomenal.  The kind of radio that came standard in every car, AM was the real deal.  And Wendi Carpenter rocked afternoon drive on 1450 KQDI, entertaining countless central Montana listeners hungry for anything other than country.    

Most days after school, Sam and I would stop at “the station” while her mother was on the air, to scoop-up free records and kill a little time hanging out with the other DJs.

“Early Adopters”

Record labels sent music to radio DJs everywhere.  Even stations in places like Montana were great for launching new artists…and hungry programmers looking to make their mark would take the suggestions of record reps by adding new songs to the playlist.  If the new song sold more than 500,000 units, those “early adopter” radio DJs would get their name and the station call-letters engraved on a plaque with a gold record, mounted in a fancy frame to hang as a brag piece.  

One breezy afternoon in the early eighties, Sam and I were hanging out at KQDI when the Music Director told us “This band will never go anywhere,” and carelessly flipped a 12” vinyl record at me.  I wasn’t sure if he was joking – but who cares if he was, it was cool to have a first pressing of a record with a stamp that said: “Promotional Use Only – Not for Resale.”

Little did we know in just a few months that Loverboy would become a big deal, and soon I’d be making a trip with my neighbor to see them play live.

“Working for the Weekend”

As neighbors go, Don was the coolest guy on the block.  Not only did he have two of the greatest classic cars ever built (a red and black Chevy Chevelle AND a pretty blue Shelby Mustang 350 GT), but he was also a huge music fan with the biggest record collection and the nicest stereo on the North Side.  His wife Judy was stunningly pretty and they were a model couple, making all the right choices like buying a home and saving for retirement starting in their early 20s.  

Don was a bit of a purist when it came to music.  He had strong opinions about music videos that played on the new cable channel called MTV…he found most of them fake and cheesy - he just wanted to see the musicians play. He also preferred vinyl LP records to the synthetic sounds of the new Compact Disks which were just barely making their way onto the scene.  

I didn’t expect Don to give a shit about Loverboy – they were hardly a “real” rock band like Foreigner or Boston or Journey – so I was surprised when he invited me to go see them when they came to a college town nearby.  

Because I was just 17 we had to promise my dad that Don would make sure I’d behave.  Oh sure, I assumed Don would sneak a beer or two my way (and there’d be no need to bother my father with that detail!) but I was stopped like a deer in the headlights when he asked if I would mind if he smoked a joint.

At that moment I learned that he and Judy smoked pot.  It didn’t bother me that he might want to imbibe in what has been considered essential for almost any concert-goer since the 1960s.  What bothered me was the fact that I hadn’t even thought about it.  

By no means did I think less of them for this – hell, lots of people smoke pot – I just felt like a fool for being so incredibly naïve for not even considering it.

Now that I look back, I wonder if there were other secrets.  What else didn’t I know?  

“The Feedlot” served gargantuan sub-style sandwiches using whole loaves of bread.  I worked there for a stint between radio gigs.  As high-school jobs go, this was so much better than actually having to make the stuff - I just delivered it using one of two company cars….a 1978 Chevy Chevette or a brand-new 1981 Mercury Lynx.  I got paid to drive around?  How cool was that?!

The manager thought it was cute that some of the regular customers would specifically request me as their delivery person – they wanted “the cute blond one” and she obliged.  

Two big burly truck-driver guys who lived on Bootlegger Trail were particularly fond of me. I can’t remember their names, but they were always having parties and seemed so very happy and friendly. They’d invite me to stick around for a beer or a Coke.  I would routinely turn them down - I had to get back to the Feedlot.  I was on the clock after all, and my employer should get full value for the $3.35 an hour she was paying me.  

Although they were “old” and lived in a trailer, (they were maybe in their twenties, it was a double-wide with full skirting and a tip-out), they were clean and smelled good and were always so very nice.  They paid by check (everywhere still took checks back then), and they tipped well – very well, in fact. The tip for a five minute drive to deliver a sandwich in a paper bag was more than I made in an hour on minimum wage.  My goodness, they were generous.

I remember their checks were so weird – not the blue or yellow “safety paper” most people got for free with their account at Northwestern Bank – theirs were “personalized” – printed with the Strawberry Shortcake cartoon character.  

Strawberry Shortcake?  WTH?   That seemed kind of strange.  And I remember how they would say “Bye” with an unusual inflection.   It made no sense at the time because I didn’t realize they were dropping heavy hints and hitting on me. Hmmm…maybe they knew I was gay – I know I sure didn’t.  And what else didn’t I know?

Hindsight is 20/20…and looking back I realize there were so many other times that I was so very oblivious. Like when I would surprise guys who were “entertaining” in their rooms at the all-male barracks on Malmstrom Air Force Base. This was a decade before “Don’t Ask/Don’t Tell” made being gay in the armed forces passable.  

“Oh, duh, THAT’s what they were doing!”  NO WONDER it took them so long to answer the door.  You’d think they’d be expecting me – although the wait-time on a sandwich is hardly that of a pizza.  Maybe they wanted to be interrupted? 

Huh. What else didn’t I know?

Naiveté has its place, mostly to serve and protect the innocent. ��Although I usually got A’s and I considered myself fairly witty and articulate, I was completely naïve.  I was guilty of being “wholesome,” and my selective attention wasn’t at all finely tuned.  Or, on the other hand, my selective attention WAS finely tuned, with a filter added to keep out the unsavory thoughts I was consciously trying to avoid.  

In the early 1980s a new disease called AIDS was killing everyone in its path. However devastating, this “gay plague” was an epidemic confined to places far away, where homosexuals congregated in bars and bath houses and did unspeakable things in the dark.  Although gay men in big cities were dropping like flies, Montana was safe.  We didn’t have “those people,” and those places where unthinkable things occurred didn’t exist in Big Sky Country.

I got why people were scared shitless, and a majority equated being gay and having AIDS as an automatic given.  Misconceptions, myths and hysteria were rampant.  Victims were treated like lepers. Some feared you could get AIDS simply by being close to someone or kissing or hugging them.  

Most who had this opinion were essentially just naïve and innocent.  But the gleefully, willfully ignorant were the most troubling - often expressing their fear as “god’s wrath.”  Not surprisingly, many in this crowd also refused to believe Liberace was gay – go figure.

Hall & Oates sang: “Some Things Are Better Left Unsaid” and Ronald Reagan took the hint. The President said absolutely nothing about AIDS until 1987, near the end of his second term and years after his friend Rock Hudson had died from the disease.  At that point in the U.S., over 36,000 people were diagnosed with AIDS and over 26,000 people had died from it.  Montana was barely a bleep on the radar and it was still easy enough for the general public (and even the medical community) to avoid the issue for years.  “Not in my backyard” was a common sentiment.

Throughout most of the 80s and 90s nobody in Montana knew anyone with HIV or AIDS and if they did they wouldn’t tell you for fear of being shunned from their church or social group…or worse, being fired from their job or attacked by the gleefully, willfully ignorant.  Even doctors were dumb – my stepmother had a nurse friend who worked for a MD who threatened to fire her because her son had AIDS.  

For the longest time I was able to say “not a single person in my friends and family circle has been affected by AIDS.”  This was remarkable given that I had moved to a “real city” and was an open member of the very community in crisis hit hardest by the epidemic.

But hardly better than the gleefully, willfully ignorant, I had a self-righteous, cavalier attitude and figured I knew all I needed to know.  I wore my “garbage bags” and knew to never get in a situation of risk.  “I’ll just keep myself safe and sanitized and won’t have to learn anything about this unsavory thing.”  Even though I gave money to various AIDS and HIV charities, I separated myself from “those people” and wore a protective coating to prevent me from getting too close.  I still had tons of fun, knowing the rubber sheath would keep me safe, but I wouldn’t let love in or out…not in any way.  Figuratively or literally…emotionally or physically.  “Not in my backyard.”  

My personal “Don’t Ask/Don’t Tell” approach on HIV and AIDS worked until 1990 when my roommate Robert tested positive, and I was forced to pull my head out of the sand.  I was not going to let myself become a victim of fear and ignorance, so I told myself I best learn about this shit and what to do about it.  I loved Robert and wanted to do everything I could to keep him alive.  My self-righteous stance had softened.

What else didn’t I know?  I discovered having an open mind and open dialog gave me the courage to reach out to people I’d been shutting out, including my high-school best friend Ross. My buddy, Buddy, with whom I had a one night encounter in college, had come out of the closet and announced his status, and others I knew were starting to surface.  Although I was no longer able to say “Nobody in my life is affected by AIDS,” I was happy to kill that willful ignorance that was getting in my way of loving people.  I let curiosity have a place at the table, right next to security. I started asking more questions. Not that I became obsessed, I just wanted to stop being scared to death.  I refused to let hate and fear win over love and understanding.

It was a sad story two decades later when I learned that Don and Judy both died from AIDS. I heard he got it by a blood transfusion and unknowingly infected his wife.  They died at home, both frail shadows of their once vibrant selves.  Many friends and family volunteered with home hospice, trying to make the torture tolerable.  They left behind two teenage kids…I can only imagine the emotional torture they had to endure with not one but both parents dying, made worse by bullying school kids mocking and making fun.

Somehow it was supposed to make it more palatable that the source of the infection was not self-induced but completely beyond their control.  “Good lord, it’s not like they got this by having sex or doing drugs!”  They were innocent and deserved no shame or blame.

Yet there was a shroud of secrecy.  Nobody was supposed to know.  If Don got AIDS from a blood transfusion beyond anyone’s control, why all the shame and silent treatment?  What else didn’t I know?  And why do I care?  Am I as bad as those so called Christians who want so badly to assign blame and often end-up showering the victim in shame?  I can hear them now: “You reap what you sow.“ “Play with fire and get burned.”  Blah blah blah.  

It was easy for me to have such a callous curiosity from a big city thousands of miles away.  My job or reputation wasn’t at stake and my life wasn’t under the sharp scrutiny of the terrified in a small town where even just talking about sex was taboo.

Don wasn’t naïve and clueless, was he?  Even though he was straight and a “guy’s guy,” I had no difficulty imagining a “what if” scenario.   WHAT IF he had been at the wrong place at the wrong time?  WHAT IF at a concert in Seattle or Calgary he smoked a little too much pot and drank too much?  Maybe he stumbled into the wrong crowd who took advantage of his innocence, or worse, if he was coerced into something he didn’t want to do and by then it was too late?   WHAT IF that was me instead of Don?  

I only recently learned that in his dying days Don sequestered himself to a room in his garage in a self-induced quarantine.  I wish I had been around to ask why….was it to protect himself from the outside world or it from him?  And I’d like to think I would have had the guts to face my own fear and spend time with him talking about classic cars and music.  But as much as I want to figure it out, I’ll have to be satisfied with a “You’ll never know” when asking “What else didn’t I know?”

It happened almost overnight: FM became the preferred band for radio listeners. The sound quality was infinitely better and in stereo, after all.  And by the ‘90s every car had an FM radio that came standard from the factory at no additional cost.   Program directors started putting more time and attention to programming their FM stations, and the AM signals were the ones left for automation and a disintegrating audience share.  

In the next decade medical science had revolutionized treatment making HIV something people live with by taking just a pill a day. And now Prep offers what is essentially a vaccine against HIV.  

It would be great if we could restore humans like we restore cars.  It would be great to have some of those classics back in our lives.  And it’s so unfortunate that so many who passed were essentially victims of bad timing – I’m fairly certain they’d still be alive if they got their HIV in this current era.  

Ross, Robert, Buddy, Don and Judy.  It didn’t matter how they got AIDS and died….they were all victims.  Unfortunately, none of them got a gold record to hang on their wall for being “early adopters.”      

What else didn’t I know? Too much to write…but one thing I did eventually figure out: whether the injection was by needle or by penis, knowing how it happened didn’t make the pain and suffering any easier for anyone.    

[maryofone]

Match Schmatch

I read an article recently about how various dating platforms and their respective algorithms determine whether two people are a match. It seemed to be saying that we’re moving away from platforms that ask you to fill out a questionnaire or write your own profile, and moving towards platforms that pull data from your other apps like Spotify or Facebook, to create a more accurate profile based off of your interests.

I’ll first concur that people writing their own dating profiles is not the way to go. We’re pretty fucking deceptive as a species, particularly with ourselves. For me personally it took six months of sobriety and therapy to figure out all the shit I was ignoring about myself. Shit I never would have said to describe myself, albeit shit my future partner would definitely consider good to know. 

So yeah, you can’t trust anything anyone says about themselves. But this other approach of pulling data from your other platforms also seems suspect to me. Mutual interests seem like such a small piece of the healthy relationship pie.

I don’t need to be set up with a guy who’s got similar taste in music as me. I’ve appreciated the music tastes of all the guys I’ve dated, and that shit did NOT save us. Guy with the biggest hip hop collection of anyone I know? Dumpster fire. Guy who could serenade me with all of my favourite songs from childhood? Dumpster fire. Guy who loved the precise style of electronic music that I love? Fuckin’ landfill fire.

Mutual music tastes do not indicate a match. Neither do brands or fashion or whatever news outlet you follow. Because that’s all just shit we consume. These may be good conversation starters but they’re never the shit that matters in the end.

“Travel” is pretty empty too. It’s amazing to me how many people use travel as their big personality identifier when they’re trying to meet someone online. Can we just assume that everyone likes to travel? The proportion of people who would identify as fans of vacation is large enough that people should just identify if they don’t like travel. I understand that in the Age of Instagram, trip photos are a currency. They’re some people’s fucking lifeblood. But when I see these profiles full of nothing but stunning vacation photos from around the world, there’s a weird vacancy to them. Of course anyone who’s traveled a lot probably has tons of amazing stories, and their perspective on the world is probably much richer than mine, but it’s the perspective of themselves I find lacking. I mean, buddy, you could tell me anything about yourself on this profile and all you’re really saying is, “I’ve been to this cool place. And that cool place.”

Yeah, I know Rome is cool. But that doesn’t tell me if you’re cool. I want the deep shit. The weird shit. The shit I’m going to find out anyway if we end up in a relationship. Really, I just want an algorithm based on one question:

How does death influence your life?

Match me up according to someone’s answer to that, instead of their fuckin’ workout playlist.