#I wish they could be happy but I am physically incapable of letting them be happy

[syltaxerror]

Jalph and James Joyce???????????????

Hm

Honestly lotf fans go read An Encounter it’s so mundane merridew coded

Anywhosies yeah the dialogue is from the closing lines of An Enounter by James Joyce

[anjelicawrites]

Title: Between safety and need

Pairing: dom!Osferh x sub!reader x dom!Aemond Targaryen and all the combinations thereof.

NSFW, 18 + only please and specific warnings under the cut!

Warnings: smut, spanking, edging, nipple and clit clamp, orgasm denial, cunnilingus, p in v sex, double penetration, ass play, sex toys use, angst with a happy ending, sub dropping, Reader being a brat.

A/N: nonnie I am so sorry it took me so long to answer to this one!!! I hope you'll like it, even though it took me so long to write it!!!

There are days where you are a brat to get your lovers’ attention, others where it’s more of a ruse just because you feel playful like that. Today is neither of those, today you feel bothered by everything: the sound of the TV in the background, Aemond’s fingers on the keyboard, even the gentle snoring of the cats sounds like nails against a blackboard. You had tried all you could to drive the feeling away: shutting yourself in your own study, listening to your favorite podcast and going for a long walk in the countryside, to no avail; your own skin irks you to no end. The pinnacle of your irritation explodes when you and your lovers are in the living room while you try, unsuccessfully to read a book and you snap at Osferth

“Would you please stop making that sound?”

“I���m breathing?” he stares at you with big, surprised eyes

“Then stop! It’s irritating!”.

Usually he’s the one to take the situation in hand when you are like this, it surprises you to no end to feel Aemond’s hand on your neck, fingers curling gently to keep you in place.

“That’s enough, ñuha jorrāelagon, my love”

“Let go of me, Aemond Targaryen” you bite back

“No, I don’t think I will. You’ve been beyond heinous today. I am quite done with you and Osferth is as well”.

If you were less irked, you’d run away, because Aemond is deadly calm, which means you’ve managed to get on his last nerve. That rarely happens, he’s usually patient with you, even when anyone else would already be angry.

“You don’t tell me what to do!”.

Deaf as you are to everything, you don’t realize this is the worst thing to say. You start to realize the moment Aemond’s hand sneaks into your hair to grab the roots tight and pull your head back to look into your eyes.

“I think I will, since you are incapable of being yourself today”.

Aemond is rarely angry with you and even less times he’s expressed his emotions physically the way he’s doing now. Grabbing your hair like this is more of an Osferth move, in general, overpowering you this way is what your other lover usually does when you are being a brat, for Aemond to resort to this, it means you have truly overstepped.

You try to say something but Osferth gently puts a finger on your lips, calm and collected, the darkness of his anger pooling in his lovely eyes.

“Shh, I think you’ve talked enough for today. I know you want to say that you are sorry, but saying it just because now you realize you will be punished is meaningless. We’ll know when you are sorry”.

With that he lifts you over his shoulder, deaf to your grunting and to your fists against his strong back and heads to the bedroom. This is a curveball. Aemond doesn’t play as hard as you and Osferth sometimes do, it’s physically impossible for him to bear many of the things you two do; if he’s being part of this, what are they going to do to you? 

You can literally feel the cogs in your head run faster and faster the closer the bedroom is, your brain creating scenarios upon scenarios, until your mind is a mess of images and ideas.

None too gently Osferth deposits you on the bed and orders you to stay put, in a tone that admits zero comebacks. You sit still, hands folded, eyes smoldering: you are not giving either of them the satisfaction of knowing how much this is off putting to you. You stare at them with an adversarial smile on your face, inward you wish to know what they are whispering, Osferth’s forehead against Aemond’s, one of his hands in his long strands.

The moment Aemond leaves you two, Osferth turns toward you, eyes dark and scanning your face.

“Stand up and undress - his voice is sharp - make it fast, you don’t want me to be halfway when Aemond comes back” he adds when you don’t move.

You recognize the tone, it’s his more dominant side that’s come out to play. You feel yourself being torn between following his command and brat out even more.

“You will get a spanking. Ten strikes because I am feeling nicer than you deserve - he says while sitting on the bed, legs spread - if Aemond comes back before I am done, you will have no orgasms for a week”.

The threat makes you undress quickly and lie on Osferth’s legs even quicker. When he threatens you with that, you know he will deliver and, because he plays dirty, he will use you thoroughly for his pleasure for the duration of the ban, trying to make you come, just so he can extend your punishment.

“You know you only have to be mad at yourself for this, right? I was going to be nice and look at what you are making me do. Count for me and say how grateful you are; if I like your tone I might not hit you that hard”.

The first slap lands on your ass and you bark out your instructions, the second and the third are so fast you can barely speak, by the fourth you feel the tears in your eyes. After the fifth, Osferth grabs your asscheek in a tight hold that makes you scream in pain and squirm in his lap.

“I wonder why you are making such a fuss about this. You are wet - he says, sticking two fingers in your cunt and curling them until you moan - a liar and a brat. I was too loose with my handling of you. Fear not, I will not make this mistake ever again, my love”.

He’s almost reached ten and you are already drooling on his tight, begging him for something you don’t know, pity, or maybe more pain until your brain stops working for a while.

You are not in subspace, yet, you are not fully yourself either, loose and weightless when Osferth grabs your hair, forcing your body into a kneeled position to kiss you roughly, his pent up anger and arousal owning you.

His hand is still in your hair when he tells you to sit on the bed again, to which you comply slowly, your limbs still feeling alien to you. 

By the time Aemond arrives, you are more back into yourself, your arse stinging with every small movement you make against the cotton of the sheets, your bratty smirk back on your lips. 

You are not sure Aemond took so long with whatever supplies he needed, because he couldn’t find them, or because he wanted to give you time to handle the first part of your punishment; whatever the reason, you tell him you are sorry, when he kneels between your spread legs.

“Are you, though, ñuha dāria, my queen?” he asks, his eye boring into yours.

You are and you aren’t. You’d still maintain that life irks you as of now, but maybe telling Osferth to stop breathing was a tad too much.

You know you should stay silent, because Aemond knows all that you are thinking right now: he’s terrifying when he gets like this and uses his analytical skills on you. If he weren’t so subby, he’d make a great dom, whatever those labels mean, your combined sexualities being more fluid than whatever word you use to describe yourselves.

“I thought so - he says, gently cupping your face in his warm hands - know that this brings me no pleasure”

“Are you sure about that?” Osferth kneels behind him, one hand on his cheek to turn his face towards him

“Maybe a little” he admits, his eye trained on you, before kissing Osferth with hunger.

You curl your fingers around the cotton of the sheets, unwilling to show your lovers how much you need them, just by seeing them kiss: you can feel the warmth expanding in your core, the wetness redoubling there and you bit your lower lip to stay quiet, as the kiss turns more physical, Aemond tumbling over Osferth, who just absorbs his weight with a moan, his hands going to his shoulders to make sure he’s not moving, their hips moving in tandem, until they have to separate, a thin tendril of spit connecting their red lips.

“Do you want to change plans?” Osferth asks, his hips jutting up teasingly and you’d call him a whore, lovingly, if the circumstances were different.

Aemond stares at him and then at you, a pensive uhm leaving his lips.

“Maybe another time?”

“Yeah, another punishment” Osferth answers, removing his t-shirt.

You get a second of respite, to try and find your feet, before your lovers sit flanking you on the bed, their hands proprietary on your skin, touching, pinching, scratching, until you moan, wanton. 

“Lie back on the bed and let us play, pretty toy”

“Feel free to scream all you want, ñuha dāria and use your safeword, if you need to”.

You huff at that, as if you’d need to safeword your way out of a punishment. 

“I’m letting that slide. Next time I’m not going to be so charitable” Osferth says, fingers pinching one nipple tight

“Yes sir - you blurt out, the pain zinging up and down your spine - I’m sorry sir”

“Still a brat, I see. That’s going to be a long punishment. We are going to have fun, you? Not so sure” he tells you, before showing you up the bed.

In the corner of your eyes, you see Aemond deposit on the bed the small chest where you all keep the toys. You had to hide the thing when Finan came over to help with putting together the new bed Osferth made and neither of you had the chance to use the contents ever since: you are fucked, you are so very fucked.

Your train of thoughts is cut short by their lips again, kissing paths of fire on your skin, sucking your breasts until you let out a shrill sound of pleasure when you feel fingers gently part your folds, Aemond delicately exploring you, curling his to massage your G-spot. You’d scream, but Osferth is kissing you, swallowing every single sound you make, one hand painfully clenching around one soft breast as you feel your orgasm approaching, cunt tightening around Aemond’s fingers. So close, so close, his pads delicious against that rough patch inside of you, you’re almost there, almost…

You tear your lips from Osferth’s when Aemond’s fingers leave you right before your orgasm. You stare at him with accusatory eyes, legs clenched together in the vain attempt to seize what he’s denied you.

“I’m so sorry, ñuha dāria - he says - this is still punishment”.

You groan when Osferth sucks your juices from Aemond’s fingers, his eyes boring into yours, challenging you to look away. He is so sensual, his pink tongue lapping Aemond’s long fingers, lips slowly sinking down their whole length, until they’ve bottomed out inside his greedy mouth and he moans, filthy and deep in his chest.

“Delicious - he eyes your cunt - I think I need to go to the source, though”.

With sure hands he moves your legs over his shoulders, keeping you at the mercy of his tongue and fingers, and he has none. He knows how to play you, knows how to twist his fingers just right, in tandem with Aemond’s lips on your breasts. He has to pin you on the bed when he starts writing the alphabet on your clit with his tongue, your legs kicking against his back, your torso arching with every sinful stroke, shrill screams of pleasure and torment escape your mouth, until he stops, again, right before you can come all over his face. 

You try to clench your legs again in vain, your boys spreading them gently, eyeing your center like hungry wolves and you can do nothing but cover your face with your hands, as they descend upon you. You lose track of whose fingers are fucking you, whose tongue is lavishing your clit, whose teeth are gently nibbling there, until they don’t and fresh tears spill from your eyes.

“Shh, ñuha dōna, my sweet - Aemond gently cradles your body in his arms, letting you cry against his chest - shh”

“Please” you say, brokenly, your body a bundle of nerves

“Not yet - Osferth gently turns your body so you lie on your back, head on Aemond’s chest - not yet pretty toy”

“I’ve learnt my lesson, I promise”

“We know what’s best for you - he says, kissing your forehead - it’s not time yet”

“When it’s time, I promise it’s going to burn like a supernova, ñuha qēlos, my star”.

A tortured sound escapes your mouth when Osferth enters you, every ridge of his cock like fire against your aching walls. You wail at the pace he’s set, deep and rough pushes that you feel in your whole body, his hands leaving imprints on the soft skin of your tights, to keep you against his body, to grind against you with every push in. Aemond grabs your cheeks with one hand, opening your mouth to let a thin tendril of spit dribble there and you swallow unprompted, anything to show them you are being good, that you’ve learnt your lesson. 

With a groan and a hand around his base, Osferth pulls out, making you scream when he turns you on your front, a hand in your hair to force you on your fours.

“Be good and open your mouth” he murmurs in your ear.

You do that, your tongue lolling out, which grants you a slap on your arse and a ‘good girl’. 

Now it’s Aemond’s hands on your hips, pushing you back on his cock, until he’s seated inside of you, grinding until you scream, only to have Osferth’s cock push inside your mouth, your combined tastes making your arch in pleasure and curl like a vise around Aemond.

“Best cunt you’ve ever had, right?” Osferth says, cupping Aemond’s nape

“And mouth”

“Yeah”.

Like the good girl you can be, you cross your wrist on your lower back, to let them have full control on your body, and they do. While kissing over you, Osferth fucks your slack mouth brutally, one hand on your nape to keep your there, to slot himself in your throat until you kick your legs when the oxygen is not enough, his movements spurred on by the gurgling, lewd sounds you’re making. Aemond’s pushes are passionate and slow, your cunt wet and loose and perfect around him, hitting your insides just right, one hand taking one of yours, to show you that he still loves you, even when you are being punished. When he picks up speed, he pushes you on Osferth’s cock and you just let yourself being used like this, being pushed and pulled between their bodies, until tendrils of your own orgasm start spreading and you don’t know how to tell them, that you’re getting too close, that you’re almost there, so very close.

When they leave your body, you just flop on the bed, tears of frustration down your cheeks. It’s Osferth who comes to you, he cradles you against himself, his lips softly kissing your tears, until you’ve calmed enough to speak.

“What’s your color?”

“Green, please Osferth” you babble

“Not yet, not yet. You’re taking your punishment so well”

“It hurts so bad, please” you’re a whining mess, so far away from the bitchy brat you’ve been all day

“I know, but that’s what punishment is about. If you like it, then it’s not working”.

He is so reasonable that you have no counter argument, just disconnected words of regret and need blabbed against his neck.

You can feel Aemond’s body behind you, one hand turning your face so he can look at you.

“Do you think you can move again? Raise your hips up for me?”

“Yes, Aemond please”

“Sȳz riña, good girl” and you shiver.

Your boys have to help you move, your legs start to feel like jelly and they have to move them for you, until your arse is up and your face on the mattress. 

You tremble when you hear the lube being uncapped, the cold substance being poured on your hole and then Aemond’s index breaching you, slowly, following the way your body responds to the stimuli, adding another finger to gently scissor you, soft moans spilling from your mouth, your clit tingling with every slow movement, your hands searching Osferth’s, needing the tether like a man lost at sea.

Your fingernails bite Osferth’s hands when Aemond pushes the smallest plug in your ass, your nerves responding tenfold to the action. Turning on your back is torment, their fingers burn your skin, the cotton on your back bites at your body; you don’t know if you’ll manage not to safeword your way out of trouble today.

The gentle whirring of the clit sucker makes you groan, your hips jump when Osferth places it on your clit, mercifully on the lowest setting, still your body rocks side to side, legs uselessly trying to close around his arm, Aemond’s lips sucking your breasts are a sweet torment that makes you arch your back, eyes closed, teeth biting your lower lip. You scream when the first clamp closes around your nipple and Aemond has to pull your forehead against his, soothing words cascading from his lips, until his fingers start playing with your other nipple, teasing it into a peak, only to punish it with the other clamp. In the midst of your torment, you try to warn your boys that you’re close again, you don’t want to fail and be punished! 

“Shh, I know, I know” Osferth removes the clit sucker and kisses your belly button, his short stubble tickles your tummy

“You’re doing so well, hae iā sȳz riña, like a good girl” Aemond’s lips steal yours in a kiss, slow and passionate, to which you respond with all your remaining energies, one hand sneaking in his hair.

You have to tear your lips away from his when a bigger plug enters you, your eyes begging Osferth to go slow, which he does, with eyes scanning your face for signs that he should stop; all he can see is your features tormented by pleasure again, when Aemond’s fingers enter your cunt, purposefully hitting your spot, your hands flailing on the sheets. You are so beautiful like this, desperate and ready, his thirst for you redoubling, as if he hadn’t already had a taste of your pussy. 

His tongue laps at your clit, lips sucking the small bud in sync with Aemond’s fingers inside of you, your cries of pleasure music for his ears, your hands in his hair spurring him on to play with you until you are the closest you’ve been today to your orgasm.

When they release your body, you curl into yourself, their stares feel like they’re burning your skin; you can’t physically manage to bear them.

You realize your mistake when Aemond’s hand tugs at the plug inside of you, pulling it partially out to gently push it in again and again and again, until it exits you and he orders you to turn on your fours. You try, but they have to position you, Osferth’s hand in your hair to keep you upright, while cold lube is poured on your hole again, to prepare you for the biggest plug you three own, the last they’re going to use on your.

You try to relax as much as your body allows you to, still the bulbous parts of the dildo feel like they’re splitting you in two, your muscles barely capable of accepting the last one.

“Do you know a lovely fact about your cunt? - Osferth murmurs in your ear - it becomes deliciously tighter when your arse is full. Here, let me show you”.

Your body is nothing more than a ragdoll he can maneuver to sit on his cock, until he’s bottomed out. You feel so full you can’t breath, his girthy cock feels ten times bigger, your cunt barely capable of accepting it, his fingers on your clit forcing your muscles to curl around him even tighter as he grinds against you.

You can barely feel the sting of Aemond's hand grabbing your hair to turn your head to kiss you again, his free hand playing with the clamps on your nipples, your orgasm curling in your tummy, until they both stop and you don’t even have the strength to scream anymore, tears streaming down your face, wet cunt leaking down your thighs.

“Will you be good for us, ñuha dāria? We’re almost there”.

Aemond turns you on your back again, entering you with a groan of pleasure at the added pressure of the plug in your arse, pushing slowly, needing you to feel every inch of his cock seated in your velvety walls, drinking down every wailing sound you make with each and every movement he makes. He loathes that he has to leave your cunt so soon, but you are dangerously close to orgasm and he doesn’t want you to fail; still there’s one last thing he needs to do.

You lie on the bed spent and wired up at the same time, wet and frustrated beyond imagination, nerves firing with every breath you take. You can’t, you can’t anymore, it hurts too bad to be denied like this but you can’t find the strength to use your safeword: you had worse, you can bear it and Aemond has even said that you’re almost done!

You can’t see what Aemond has in his hand, the rush of the blood in your ears covers his rummaging in the chest of toys and the knowing uhm of Osferth, when he sees what he has planned for the final leg of your punishment, knowing this is the maximum he can dish out. He is always amazed by the way Aemond plays with you, gentle and cruel at the same time and so patient, eyeing you like a hawk, while he’s letting the dragon out.

The bite of the clamp on your engorged clit steals a scream from your lips, your hands barely stopping from removing it, hips pushing against nothing in pain and pleasure

“We’re almost there. Do you think you can go through this?” Osferth asks, big hand caressing your contracting tummy.

You need a second to answer, you want to go through this, you can’t bear this punishment anymore, but you want to show your lovers you’re being good, but it hurts so bad to quench your orgasm every time they touch you, you, you, you, God you mind is unraveling already!

“Yes, please” you say with a small voice, that wins you a gentle kiss on your forehead from each of your loves

“Relax as much as you can” Aemond asks and you try to, even though it’s so hard.

The rabbit vibrator is not the biggest toy you own, but your body is so strung up it feels like it’s splitting you in two halves, the pressure doubled with your arse still full of the plug, even the slow setting Aemond has chosen is a torment that forces you to writhe on the sheets, mewling like a bitch in heath, while the smaller part against your captive clit drives you absolutely mental with pain, and desire.

“Look at us” Osferth’s ask, his voice telling you that you can’t say no.

Your two loves are embracing one another, cocks leaky and erect gently rubbing against one another, Aemond’s lips leaving marks on Osferth’s throat, the latter’s hands on the other man’s arse, kneading the muscles there.

“Don’t take your eyes off us, ñuha dāria. This is the last thing we ask you to do and then you can come”.

You wail, desperate: there’s nothing more erotic than your lovers taking care of one another, their bodies entwined, enslaved to pleasure. 

You feel hot and cold at the same time as Osferth lies Aemond on the bed, his lips sucking on his erect nipples until the other moans and arches his back, hands grabbing Osferth’s short locks to pull him even closer to his body. 

Both their erections have been tormenting them from the moment they’ve started playing with you, each time they had to pull out, curbing their own orgasm, had been torture, your body calling theirs into its depths. Now, kissing and sliding against one another, cocks red and balls so full it feels like they’re going to explode, renders them deaf to everything but their own moans of pleasure, and that’s why they don’t notice immediately your silence.

The music of your moans and keens of pleasure has been in Osferth's ears, mixed with Aemond's, creating the best array of sounds he could even hope for, now there's only Aemond's soft moans of need and pleasure: something is wrong. 

Osferth turns his head to you and sees that you are frozen on the bed, eyes open but not staring at them, full of fear, your hands clenched painfully. Shit! Shit! Shit! he thinks. 

"Aemond!". 

His tone it's the warning sign that kicks Aemond awake from his sexual reverie, his eye training on your unmoving body, a curse on his lips the moment he realizes they have fucked up. 

Frenzied they remove all the toys tormenting you, their bodies enveloping yours under the covers, pressing you between them, their hands caressing you gently, while they call your name, softly, trying to lure you back from the depths of your own mind. 

Despite their warm bodies, you feel cold, as if you have no blood in your body. Every muscle hurts, but the worst is your mind, spinning out of control, violent memories plaguing you, blocking you from doing anything, even calling for help. Your lovers' voices have to fight the whirlwind of your thoughts, with tremendous effort you try to focus on them, their tone calm, but with an undercurrent of fear: you have to come back to them, but God it’s so hard to take back yourself from the terror freezing you! 

You don't know how long it takes for you to feel your body again, your heart beating a maddening tattoo in your chest, your fingers searching whomever hands' are the closest to feel that you are gaining control back. You want to call their names, but only a strangled cry escapes and then the tears, copious down your cheeks, the sobs welcome because they wreck your body, making you feel real, back where you belong to. 

If possible, Osferth and Aemond hug you even tighter, each of your sobs stabs them with guilt: too hard, they've used you too hard and didn't even realize it, this wasn't supposed to happen, still it did and both your lovers are devoured by guilt. How, between the two of them, they didn’t realize? You looked tired, yes, but not more than usual during play and Osferth had dommed you harder than he did this time and nothing happened: what did he miss?

“I’m so sorry - you manage to say - I don’t know why…” and you stop, unsure

“It happens to you, sometimes” Osferth tries to reassure you, not that his own words make him feel any better

“It’s just - you search for the right words, the feat hard with your brain still reeling from the violent sub drop - when I saw you two together, I felt alone, I don’t know why”

“We’re so sorry” Aemond tells, lips in your hair

“No, don’t be! - you crane your neck to look at him - not your fault. My brain misfires sometimes”.

Aemond knows, but it doesn't really matter: he's your protector and he's failed. 

You three fall into an uneasy silence, you feeling their combined pain and guilt, them trying their hardest to make sure you are feeling safe, battling against their consciences.

You are not sure how much time has passed, before your body starts to feel like it is your own again: brain less muddled and muscles tired, to the point that you will need to be carried around for the rest of the day. Pressed as you are between your lovers, you can smell sweat and sex on their skins, you feel the thrum of Aemond’s soft humming and Osferth’s fingertips on you, all small signals that help you back into yourself, where you need to be. 

Slowly your skin registers theirs again, their faded erections starting to come back, aided by the proximity of your body and its spell, your unhurried breathing and face playfully rubbing against them, like a happy cat, your arse pushing back, against Aemond’s swelling cock.

“Stop it”  he tells you, trying to put some distance between your delectable ass and his erection

“Why? I need you”

“I am here”

“I don’t mean in that sense”.

You know Aemond struggles, sometimes, when you give him the reins, between what he likes to do to you, and his fear of hurting you, because to him, you are delicate, made of glass, someone he needs to keep safe from everyone, even from himself. There’s this constant push and pull between you two: you demonstrate to him, again and again, that you can take it, and him, who tries to reconcile his two minds.

“Aemond is right - Osferth murmurs against your forehead - this one was bad. You were out for a while”.

You hug Osferth tighter. You know he worries a lot whenever you sub drop, as if it’s his fault and not your stupid brain; besides, shit happens even during the best planned scenes, you both know that.

“I am feeling better, and I need you two” you say

“You thought you could make it, and look what happened” 

“I miscalculated a lot - you answer - I am more focused now, please. I still feel so strung up” and you are.

With the feel of your own body back, so it’s the frustration of so many missed orgasms, nerves itching with every small movement you make.

“We can be quick” 

“I don’t need quick”

“Tell us what it is that you desire, ñuha dōna and we decide, together”.

You feel the warmth of shame, mixed with giddiness, expand in your body. For all your sexual prowess, this is something you’ve never done; on one hand, you are happy to try it with Osferth and Aemond, on the other, you are afraid to ask.

“I want you to take my cunt and arse at the same time - both your lovers exhale a surprised huff of breath - please?”.

A sliver of anxiety enters your voice again. The awful feeling of being abandoned by them rearing its ugly head.

“It is a lot - Osferth’s hand finds home in your hair to crane your neck, needing to look into your eyes - we are a lot”

“We might hurt you” the struggle in Aemond’s voice breaks your heart: he cares so much about you

“Please, I know, please. I am more ready than I will ever be, please don’t abandon me”.

You know you are being unreasonable, that they mean well, still you haven’t expunged all the nastiness the sub drop left behind, you can feel panic rising again, squeezing your chest. 

“We’ll never abandon you, ñuha dāria” Aemond maneuvers his body so he can look into your eyes

“You are stuck with us, forever. We just care about your wellbeing” Osferth adds. 

You try to take a deep breath and calm yourself, to explain yourself better. 

“I know how well endowed you both are. I know it will be difficult, but not impossible. Please, I want this first with you two. I had been thinking about it for so long!”.

Your two lovers stare at one another, a silent dialog in their stare: your safety comes first, even before your desires, which don’t exist in a vacuum, they are not mindless sex machines, they too have needs and fears you have to acknowledge. It will kill them to know that they have hurt you just because they were being careless. 

You tell yourself all of this, trying to kill the anxiety burning in your belly. Even if they say no, they love you and denying you something comes from a place of love and care, not indifference. 

You feel anxiety spread like an itch you can’t scratch and hate that your mind is spiraling again, producing fears you seem incapable to squash.

“We’ll do it - Osferth tells you after what seemed to be centuries of wait - if we feel like something is wrong we stop”.

You let out the breath you didn’t know you were holding, your mind gripping itself into reason.

“If we were to stop - Aemond turns your body to face you fully - is for your safety. It doesn’t mean we don’t love you or that we will not try again. You have to trust us on this”

“Yes, I know. Thank you. Thank you for giving me this” and you mean every word.

They kiss you, slow and gentle, their hands caress your body like it’s made of glass, like you are fragile, their gentle motions shaping your desire in something less urgent, like flames hiding under the ash that warm your whole body and lull your mind into calmness.

It’s their hands that move you into position, your ass up in the air and your face in the mattress, Aemond’s face close to yours, one hand holding yours as the other goes to your folds, fingers finding their way between your lips to caress the skin there, to play with your hole and clit; you moan, your nerves still remembering the recent assault of sensations, but you try to stay calm, to feel what Aemond is doing without urging him on, following his lead.

With the same gentleness, Osferth pours lube on your hole and starts preparing you; it’s easy, you had worn the big plug for so long your body is ready, still he takes his time to opening you up, just following the signals your body is giving him, the hand he has on your hip there to caress the skin and give you a sense of security.

You are a babbling mess by the time they decide you are ready, wet and loose and desperate for their touch again, your fingers holding Aemond’s hands grabbing desperately.

You hear Osferth groan as he prepares himself and your breath quickens in excitement, his hand like a brand on your hip. 

You both sigh when his head starts breaching you. It doesn’t matter how many plugs, or for how long he has prepared you, taking him makes you feel like he’s owning you, like he’s mastering your body into doing his bidding, your muscles trying to push him out, until they just give up and accept his assault, until he is fully seated and his hips are flush against your ass. You try to breath and to force all your muscles to relax around him: you feel so full and ready to feel him move, but he doesn’t, he just breaths in tandem with you until you are completely relaxed and then props your body up, slowly, until you are flush against him and Aemond can slide under you two.

Osferth is keeping your whole body up, making sure you are not fully sitting on him, your body can't sheat him that way or he'll hurt you. 

Aemond stares at you like you are a miracle, a goddess bestowing her presence on him, letting her body be ravished by a couple of heathens. 

"Are you still sure?" his cock hurts but you safety is paramount

"Yes Aemond, please" you answer, your voice strained, cunt wet and hungry. 

Slowly, your men position you over Aemond's erection and he pushes inside of you, a curse escaping his lips at how tight you are. He has to screw his eye to concentrate on not coming, your cunt like a fist around his erection and he feels like he is splitting you open, the added pressure of Osferth's cock in your ass driving him insane with the need of pistoning inside of you like a wild animal. The high pitched sounds you make don't help any of them to keep an iron grip on their own desires, you sound so lost, like a wounded animal and the darkest parts of them want more of that, more of how defenseless you are under their combined attack. 

Aemond breaching you feels like it's taking centuries, where you are made and unmade time and time again, until he is fully inside of you, long cock pushing just right against your G spot, the pressure inside of you bordering on unbearable: not even the toys had ever made you feel this way, utterly and completely possessed by your lovers, every inch of them marking you from the inside, ruining you and knitting you whole. For a second you can't breathe, your mind focused on their impressive cocks inside your holes; you have to remind yourself that you need air to survive, so you try to focus on them, to sync with them, who are as ruined as you are. 

"I can feel you two touching through me"

"It is divine. You are divine" Osferth tells you through gritted teeth

"Kessa, yes - you can hear the strain in Aemond's voice - perfect". 

They need to move but they wait, until your body feels more relaxed, your breath less ragged, the vise of your holes less tight. 

The only thing you can do is moan when they start to move, slow pulls and pushes, never leaving you empty, their cock hitting all the right spots that make you tremble in their arms, and open up even more. Desperate you seek their lips, your teeth their soft skin, needing to leave your mark on them the same way they are doing with you, their hands like manacles on your hips, moving your body to their leisure while you beg and keen like an animal.

They are both cursing at how good you feel wrapped around their cocks, the right amount of tightness that makes their eyes cross, the slapping of skin on skin like music for their ears. 

They just need a quick glance, before changing rhythm, entering and exiting you at the same time, pistoning with more vigor against your body and you scream, bloodcurdling sounds of pleasure and pain, your arms flailing, fingers seeking their skins, spit drooling from your mouth. If you felt full before, now the feeling has grown tenfold, their cocks the only thing you can feel, your body not yours anymore, plied open by your merciless lovers, your nerves screaming with the pleasure they are forcing on you. It feels like your insides are going to liquefy, to tear open to make space for your lovers, in reality your muscles are curling brutally around the cocks forcing you open, the pressure inside of you almost painful for them, your body completely lax and at their disposal, your lips attacked by theirs at the same time. You can’t think, only feel their bodies against yours, every inch of their erections against the velvet of your walls, separated by the thin layer of your skin, driving you insane.

Your orgasm arrives like a tornado, robbing you of whatever sanity you have left, your holes curling so brutally to force them to still and spill inside of you, until it hurts too much and they have to leave your body, their comes leaking obscenely from your holes.

You three fall on the bed, no strength left to support your weights, ungraceful and tired, limbs entwined, lips still seeking contact, hands caressing tired bodies. 

You feel worn out and weightless, burrowing in their embrace you laugh with happiness, even though you are so tired and ready to sleep. Your lovers are in no better shape, their muscles trembling with all the effort of taking you within an inch of your life, your laugh the balm to the tiredness they feel in their bones and the fear they felt when you sub dropped. 

Yes, you three are all supposed to clean up and then wash the toys and change the bedsheets, but there’s time for that, now basking in your shared happiness is the only thing that truly matters, and maybe a nap all dogpiled the way you three are now, anything else can wait.

Everythig taglist:  @ilikeitbetterangsty  

Poly taglist: @notyour-valentine , @fan-goddess , @aegonx

[katyspersonal]

These are my personal thoughts on stuff that has been bothering me for almost a decade now. I kind of went from "It would be more merciful to do an abortion because my child would live in horrid if not dangerous conditions and be taken away for their own sake" to "Maybe they'd conclude that they love living even if they were dealt a losing hand and had only adversity. Even if they DO get taken away from a person financially incapable of caring for them and live as orphan. What if they will be happy to exist anyway? I can't make this decision for them. This is something person can only decide themselves and it is called "suicide", (but I'd still do everything I can to not allow that)".

I know I speak as though it is 100% guaranteed I'd be a single mother, and it is true. I can only possibly get pregnant..... against my will, to put it this way. And yet I am always scared that this "fate" will find me anyway. I am pretty sure fixations on potential threats is some type of paranoia. I've just riched the conclusion that I do not have enough ambitions and life itself to refuse being bound to someone. I just go to work, play videogames and obsess over my interests. Why I believed I'd seek abortion at all cost is because I could not care for a child when I am myself like a child. In every sense of this word but physical. But, again, if it became THAT bad, someone else would, then. I've just been thinking about the whole concept of not letting someone to exist "for their own sake" and I think I grew out of it? Sort of? Because losing misery means losing happy moments too, and someone might see them worthy to suffer for, no matter how rare they are. I can't just assume someone else will be as depressed about existing as me. Everyone is different.

The dumb part? I've came to this conclusion upon overanalyzing fucking Soulsborne videogames. I wish it was a joke, but I just have this neurodivergency that keeps me in permanent disconnect from "real" things and "real" people, and only through prism of special interests and characters things 'click' to me. It is like I am deaf, and fiction is my hearing aid. I still think it is so fucking funny that years of religion-based guilttripping, all these fake inspirational stories of struggling single mothers TV is filled with and having optimism hammered into my head by other mothers didn't change my mind on how having a baby is possibly the MOST cruel thing I could do all things considered. But then like, Melina yapped some sweet nonsense about not deciding for others that they'd rather not exist than suffer, and it sort of have been slowly growing ever since.

I also questioned whether this stuff got hard-coded into these games, but I don't think so? Miyazaki definitely loves motherhood but that's literally it. He just poured love for archetype into some characterizations, nothing more. It is more about how existence itself and its meaning is explored here. And how it clicked with what's been bothering me, because I am always scared that I am not safe from... that. Nobody with a working womb is, but I am fixated on this fear, as if this is doomed to happen. But the most dreadful part of it is kind of.. dissolving? Nothing could convince me I am strong and capable and not as stupid and helpless, no power in the world. But something could convince me someone would still love to live even with the trauma of having a mother so shit they had to be saved from her incompetence and helplessness

[thatr1nner]

There is nothing I can do to feel better. I will never be stable. I am incapable of resilience any longer. I am sick with a chronic invisible illness. I’ve come to a point where I know in my heart of hearts I cannot get better, I cannot change and stay happy. I am set for a life of pain. I am stuck in this cycle of suicidal thoughts were these is no way out, only the guarantee that they will continue. At this point I’m not sure who knows, who cares, it doesn’t matter. My life is important. My life matters. I get to choose and this is my choice. I know it will hurt, surprise, devastate. I know. I know. I know.

What I don’t know is how I can continue to live in this misery. This feeling and thoughts are nearly every day. There is no respite. I’ve tried medication, hospitalization, therapy, TMS, exercise, diet, meditation. Some things help. Some things don’t. Nothing relieved these thoughts. Nothing. Hear me when I say I know what I’m doing. I am sane. I’m not crazy. I’m not unreasonable. I wish my pain was physical, visual. Because if it was my knee that hurt me non stop like this, at least I could cut it off. But it’s my god damn brain that is doing this to me. Although it could something else. I don’t think that would truly save me. I am not meant to be here. I am a waste of resources because those precious resources don’t help me. Give them to someone else who may benefit. I’m not getting better. I’m not changing. This is who I am. I have suffered for more than a decade. Please know I will be in a better place. One without pain. One where I’m not lost. One where I can breathe without weight. I’m not afraid for I know. I am a good person. I try my best. Only I am my enemy. I am a violent evil killer. I torture myself. My brain is broken. I wish I had died one my first attempt. I wish I had done this years ago. Now I will be free. Now I can let go. I am tired of living for everyone else in my life. I’m ready to live for myself. To do the one thing I’ve always wanted. I get to choose. This is the best option. I am not afraid. I am sorry though. I know this will hurt. It will hurt bad. It will hurt forever. I’m sorry. I know. With the pain you feel upon my death, know that I have felt that pain. I have been living with that pain for years. Loss, devastation, debilitating heart ache. I know your pain.

[freemananimation]

Milestone 6

Okay I'm writing this at 4am, I have just stayed up late to finish this because exhaustion hit me hard, let's do this.

This milestone I was meant to get in a walk cycle animation with my custom model and finish a dance animation with one of the pre-made models. I am happy to report I did both, despite the fact that my mental health these last few weeks was so bad that I was physically incapable of doing my laundry. Here's that dance animation I mentioned:

There's a vague story here, a soldier on patrol was briefly subjected to an odd psychic phenomina that caused spontaneous dancing. The dance depicted? The charleston! or at least my own little modified version. This is one of the most complex animations I've made so far and I only have my sights set higher, though I do wish I had been in a better state so I could have more time to touch it up.

oh shoot I can only post one video per post, well my previous art post was my Digitigrade Walk Cycle, which was weird to work on- I had a lot of issues figuring out how the robot character should move despite my research. Turns out, there are not many digitigrade bipeds to use as reference, and almost none I could go visit so I can see the movement in three dimensions. I have been thinking about going to some kind of furry meetup either IRL or in VRChat to see if anyone happens to have fancy legs I could record them using.

Anyway, that's it for this week!

[delirious-donna]

I'm so so glad that you are taking requests, now I got plenty plenty ideas! But unfortunately, I don't wanna scare you lol. So I'm just going with the one running on my mind for a while-

Since you want the requests to be precise, here you go!

Pairing : Natsu/Lucy(cause they're the best duh)

Prompt : We all know that Lucy has somehow gotten the idea that Natsu is incapable of romance so in this story, Natsu somehow learns about her misconception and it makes him feel uncomfortable for some reasons. But he doesn't quite realise what he feels so he chooses to not think much about it. Meanwhile Lucy decides that she needs to put some boundary in their relationship since it's painful for her to confine her own feelings. I'm implying the regular physical contact between them(cuddles, sleeping in one bed, close proximity). She doesn't wanna ruin their precious friendship for the sake of her supressed emotions. Hence she slowly starts trying to move on, which she can't. Natsu finds it all too confusing and frustrating. He can't bring himself to imagine someone else with Lucy.

And I'm a big Gratsu brotp fan, Gray gets what's going on and helps out Natsu. You can write their convo as per your choice! Finally Natsu understands and in the end, talks to Lucy.

Hope you can finish it soon!

Time To Talk [NaLu]

an: Hi Anon! Firstly, I am so sorry it has taken me this long to get around to writing this for you!! Secondly, this is my first ever ask on tumblr so I hope I've done okay? I didn't anticipate it would turn out this long, and to be fair I probably could have made it longer but I reined myself in! XD

pairing: Natsu Dragneel x Lucy Heartfilia

warnings: SFW, fluff, angst, Natsu is oblivious, Gray is a good friend, just wholesome feelings being discovered, lil fight between ice and fire, injuries and a lil blood

Masterlist

A dull ache added to each beat of his heart. He didn’t understand it, why did it hurt? Rubbing the spot on his chest where his heart lay beneath, he frowned and replayed the conversation he had overheard, although he was sure he was not meant to.

“You don’t get it Mira, Natsu, he – he just isn’t capable of feeling the way I do. It hurts but I have to put a halt to this before I drown in my own misery.”

Natsu had pondered those words for the past few days, puzzling over what exactly Lucy had been trying to say and coming up with a big fat nothing. True indeed that the Fire Dragon Slayer was more than a little dense, but when it came to matters of the heart, he was simply inexperienced.

Entirely unaccustomed to emotions more complex than happiness, sadness, anger, fear and familial love, it was not surprising that he chose to ignore the pang in his heart whenever his hand brushed against Lucy’s. Oblivious to why his stomach flitted nervously with enormous bat-like moths whenever they were parted, which gave way to ticklish wing strokes of dainty butterflies when they were finally reunited.

He knew that Lucy meant more to him than the rest of his beloved Fairy Tail family, but when he tried to define it, he couldn’t. It was like the words were stuck fast in his throat, choking him until he was blue in the face and it was maddening for the poor boy.

It was dragging him down, making him grumpy and abrasive to those around him.

His callous roughened hands curled into tight fists, eyeing the prominent veins that stood proud against his tanned skin and wished for a good brawl. A fight with someone that could take his intensity, absorb his flames and throw back an equal amount of power. Something, anything to take his mind off this problem that he had no idea how to even start to unravel – let alone resolve.

Gray!

Ruffling his vividly pink hair, he grinned his signature toothy grin but it was not full of good humour this time, oh no, he had come up with a plan to hopefully squash all thought of Lucy’s words out of his head. If he could not solve the problem, he would knock it from his head and who better to engage in a physical smackdown than Gray Fullbuster.

He just had to go find him…

~

Lucy sighed.

This was harder than she had anticipated. She had meant what she said to Mira, it was more than time that she place some boundaries on her ‘relationship’ with Natsu. Could you even call it a relationship? Honestly, she didn’t know at this point.

It felt wrong to say it was only a friendship; it wasn’t normal for a male and female to share a bed more often than they slept separately. To wake up in the mornings entwined in limbs that did not belong to their own body, basking in the bodily heat that the other provided in a way that spoke much more than a platonic friendship.

Lucy felt the safest when she was physically touching Natsu, innocent enough with hands that brushed against one another until that alone had not been enough. The contact evolved into quick hugs and then into arms that remained draped around shoulders and waists long past the point that would seem appropriate.

The last thing she wished to do was jeopardise the friendship that they did have, she would box up her own swelling feelings for her precious Salamander, and swallow them down. A bitter pill indeed, but it would be for the best. How long she could have gone on pining for someone that she was confident would never return her feelings, she wasn’t sure, but it was best not to find out.

Yet, it was like dying a thousand deaths when she bore witness to the mixture of hurt and confusion that etched upon his face when she denied him entry to her bed. Forced him to curl up on her sofa instead, a sofa that was much too small to contain his hulking mass but it was either that or the floor.

The scrunch above the bridge of his nose, sharp eyebrows drawn low into a frown and his lips tipped down as if he had tasted something unpleasant on his tongue. It hurt, every intimate detail that she noted was an individual agony, but she resolved to follow through.

It’s for the best…

Lucy tried to remind herself of this fact in the dead of the night; listening to the ferocious draconic snores of the Dragon Slayer in the next room. Sleep refused to come to her, dancing around her restless form that was much too small within this bed. Her fingers grabbed for the pillow that Natsu used, dragging it to her chest and nuzzling her face into the downy soft material. Inhaling that all too familiar scent of campfires that tickled her nose in the most addicting way and letting the tears fall freely.

Why couldn’t you love me like I love you, Natsu?

~

“What you staring at Ice Princess?”

Gray turned to spot an agitated looking Natsu. He cocked an eyebrow, watching intently as the pink haired idiot smacked his fists together until they ignited. The flames wreathed his hands, dancing their ritualistic war dance along his skin until they reached his muscled shoulders.

This was getting excessive now.

The Ice Mage was used to bouts of aggression with Natsu, the pair of them always keen to square off and prove who was the better mage, but this smacked of something else entirely. Barely a day went by without the two of them being dragged apart by Erza, and on one occasion, even Master Makarov had intervened.

Something was wrong, he could sense it like an approaching thunderstorm. The air was as thick as molasses, sticky on the skin and dragging the oxygen from the lungs until they burned.

His eye twitched as Natsu bumped into his chest with his own, their forehead inches from colliding and then he noticed it. The faint purplish colour under the Salamander’s blazing obsidian eyes, the near-constant grind of his sharp jaw and the sadness that he was trying to mask with his aggression.

Gray had known that Lucy was not her usual self either. Similar to how Natsu appeared, she was tired and often close to tears over apparently nothing. He was a smart man and putting two and two together, the answer was clear enough. Things were not as rosy as they normally were between the princess and her dragon. He would get to the bottom of this, but first, a good beat down sounded like fun.

He played along with the pathetic lure that Natsu had baited him with, knowing that the fiery male would be more willing to open up if he were to be physically exhausted.

“Staring at a pathetic piece of shit, that’s what!”

The fists flew in a flurry of movement; connecting with steely jaws and hardened stomachs. Ice met fire, the opposing elements engaging in a battle of their own. Fireballs flew in every direction, Natsu was getting sloppy in his technique and it worried Gray. He had to bring this to a close quickly.

“Ice Make – Ice Geyser” the raven haired male roared.

He leapt back as the ground around Natsu erupted with deadly looking ice spikes. His opponent managed to dodge the worst of them, as he had predicted he would, but he was not at his best. Ice wrapped around his left ankle and quickly coursed up his leg until he was immobilised from the waist down on one side.

Natsu panted heavily, his chest heaving with every breath he took and a nasty swelling already blooming over his right eye from an uppercut that Gray had landed earlier in the fight. A trickle of blood oozed from his cut brow and bathed the side of his face in blood. Cuts around the eye always had the worst way of making it look so much worse than it actually was.

“Feeling better?” Gray asked as he slowly melted the ice to free his friend.

The pink haired male fell to his knees and then back onto his butt. He pulled his knees up to his chest and linked his arms around his thighs whilst his cheek rested atop. Gray dropped to the dusty ground, giving Natsu enough space to not feel crowded but close enough to reassure him that he was willing to listen.

“Not really man,” came the quiet reply.

Manifesting a small lump of ice, he wrapped it in his discarded top and offered it to the Dragon Slayer.

“Something wrong with you and Lucy? I was sure you guys were as solid as a rock…”

Natsu scoffed as he pressed the makeshift icepack to his swollen eye.

“You tell me, I – I just don’t know what has changed. If I’ve done or said something that I shouldn’t have. Fuck, I wanted to forget about this but I overheard a conversation between Lucy and Mira. I still don’t understand it but it won’t leave my head. I thought that beating it out would be best, but you can see how well that has worked.”

The words poured from his mouth like a dam bursting its banks. He pounded his bloodied fist against the ground, kicking up dirt and small pebbles under the intensity of his strength.

“What did she say?” Gray asked tentatively, not wishing to interrupt but needing more context than he had been given so far.

Natsu reiterated the words he had heard and Gray understood immediately. This was just like him, he couldn’t see what was right in front of his face. Oblivious wasn’t the right definition, for he knew it was there, more like overwhelmed and uncertain.

“Fucksake… Natsu.”

“What?! What the fuck am I missing here? Will someone just tell me?! I cannot stand the not knowing, it’s killing me and Lucy is drifting away from me and I don’t know why,” he yelled, his voice raw with pure unfiltered emotion.

Gray huffed through his nose as he pinched at the bridge to stem the headache that was fast blooming.

“Is Lucy your friend?” he asked, already knowing the answer.

“Of course she is!”

“Do you think that she could be more than a friend?”

A look of confusion descended on the portion of Natsu’s face that he could see, and Gray would swear he could see the cogs whirring and grinding in his brain as he scrambled to understand what that meant.

“Let me put it this way flamebrain, how would you feel if you were to walk in on me kissing Lucy? Like passionately kissing, my fingers tangled in her golden hair, pressing my-”

His words were cut off as the Dragon Slayer lunged from his throat.

Gray chuckled darkly as he managed to avoid being grabbed and shackling the enraged male with ice once more.

“Don’t like that thought do you?” he smirked.

“Bring your fucking face here right this second, I want to knock your damn teeth out!” Natsu roared like a feral beast. His face was as vividly pink as his hair, veins popping on his forehead as he strained against his bitterly cold restraints.

“Natsu, calm yourself.

“Listen, man, Lucy thinks that you do not see her as anything other than a friend, but given how you just reacted, I think it’s safe to say that your feelings are more than simply born of friendship. You need to talk to her, she is pushing you away to save her heart. I bet it is killing her to do so, and you need to stop it before it becomes irreparable. Understand?”

The dawn of comprehension was amusing to watch. The metaphorical light bulb moment seemed silly to imagine until it was basically happening in front of his eyes.

~

The walk along the canal that led Lucy towards the Fairy Tail guildhall was no longer a comfort, instead, her feet felt leaden. She knew he would be there, Natsu had left her apartment earlier in the morning and had not yet returned. Part of her wished to return to bed, to wrap herself tightly in the lingering scent of him on her bedsheets and stay there forever.

Her morose thoughts were interrupted as a blur of motion came barrelling towards her.

As if summoned by her thoughts alone, Natsu stood in front of her, out of breath and looking badly beaten up. The blonde gasped at the wound on his eyebrow and the eye that was practically swollen shut.

“Natsu! What happened? Do you need me to find-”

Time stood still as he interrupted her words to pull her into a tight bear hug. Her feet dangled and for a moment she didn’t know how to react. It didn’t last long as her arms hooked around his neck and she squeezed him in return.

A wealth of tears sprung from her eyes as she lost herself within his embrace, how she had missed this. Lucy buried her face into the soft fabric of his scarf, the intense scent of him filling her to capacity as she let the barricades come tumbling down.

Her heart was in ruins, and she knew right then that she would never be able to stuff these feelings down ever again. She didn’t know what this would mean for their future, and it hurt her to think of having to physically move away to find any semblance of closure or peace.

“Luce,” he mumbled into her hair.

She gasped as she realised he too was inhaling her scent, one hand spearing into her blonde hair, holding her to him as the other crushed her torso to his own.

At long last they parted, her feet once again kissed the ground and she hesitantly met his gaze.

“We’ve gotta talk Luce, let’s go home.”

[alltheprettyboys]

FAMOUS LADY VIOLET QUOTES

On romance

“I do think a woman’s place is eventually in the home, but I see no harm in her having some fun before she gets there.”

“In my day, a lady was incapable of feeling physical attraction until she had been instructed to do so by her mama.”

“Every woman goes down the aisle with half the story hidden.”

“I am not a romantic. But even I will concede that the heart does not exist solely for the purpose of pumping blood.”

“I know several couples who are perfectly happy. Haven’t spoken in years.”

Mary: “I was only going to say that Sybil is entitled to her opinions.” Violet: “No, she isn’t, until she is married. And then her husband will tell her what her opinions are.”

“Every woman goes down the aisle with half the story hidden.”

“Oh, I should steer clear of May. Marry in May, rue the day.”

“Give him a date for when Mary’s out of mourning. No one wants to kiss a girl in black.”

“My dear, love is a far more dangerous motive than dislike.”

On technology and change

“First electricity, now telephones. Sometimes I feel as if I were living in an H.G. Wells novel.”

“What is a weekend?”

[On the new telephone] “Is this an instrument of communication or torture?”

[On jazz musicians] “Do you think that any of them know what the others are playing?”

On life

“Life is a game, where the player must appear ridiculous.”

“No life appears rewarding if you think about it too much.”

“Hope is a tease, designed to prevent us accepting reality.”

Carson: “Hard work and diligence weigh more than beauty in the real world.” Violet: “If only that were true.”

Isobel: “How you hate to be wrong.” Violet: “I wouldn’t know, I’m not familiar with the sensation.”

On growing old

“Just because you’re an old widow, I see no necessity to eat off a tray.”

“At my age, one must ration one’s excitement.”

“All life is a series of problems which we must try and solve, first one and then the next and then the next, until at last we die.”

On social etiquette

Violet: “I’m afraid Tom’s small talk is very small indeed.” Robert: “Not everyone can be Oscar Wilde.” Violet: “What a relief.”

“Vulgarity is no substitute for wit.”

“Principles are like prayers; noble, of course, but awkward at a party.”

“You know me: never complain, never explain.”

On Americans

“Why does every day involve a fight with an American?”

Cora: “I might send her over to visit my aunt. She could get to know New York.” Violet: “Oh, I don’t think things are quite that desperate.”

[To Cora] “I’m so looking forward to seeing your mother again. When I’m with her, I’m reminded of the virtues of the English.”

Cora: “I hope I don’t hear sounds of a disagreement.” Violet: “Is that what they call discussion in New York?”

“Try not to let those Yankees drive you mad.”

On class

“Don’t be defeatist, dear. It is very middle class.”

“The presence of strangers is our only guarantee of good behaviour.”

“Edith, you are a Lady, not Toad of Toad Hall.”

Isobel: “Servants are human beings too.” Violet: “Yes. But preferably only on their days off.”

“Nothing succeeds like excess.”

Martha: “I have no wish to be a Great Lady.” Violet: “No, a decision that must be reinforced whenever you look in the glass.”

On the English

“Last night, he looked so well. Of course it would happen to a foreigner. No Englishman would dream of dying in someone else’s house.”

“If I were to search for logic, I would not look for it among the English upper class.”

“Rosamund has no interest in French. If she wishes to be understood by a foreigner, she shouts.”

On dealing with other people

“An unlucky friend is tiresome enough, an unlucky acquaintance is intolerable.”

Isobel: “You take everything as a compliment.” Violet: “I advise you to do the same, it saves many an awkward moment.”

Robert: “I thought you didn’t like him.” Violet: “So what? I have plenty of friends I don’t like.”

Isobel: “I suspect she’s quite a tough nut.” Violet: “And I’m quite a tough nutcracker.”

“I don’t dislike him. I just don’t like him, which is quite different.”

“I do hope I’m interrupting something…”

“You’re a woman with a brain and reasonable ability. Stop whining and find something to do.”

“There’s nothing simpler than avoiding people you don’t like. Avoiding one’s friends, that’s the real test.”

“No guest should be admitted without the date of their departure settled.”

Cora: “I take that as a compliment.” Violet: “I must have said it wrong.”

[spencersmagic]

a knife twists at the thought - SR

Prompt: a knife twists at the thought that i should fall short of the mark - Arctic Monkeys

Summary: Spencer is new to this, and the poor boy is terrified

Couple: Fem! Reader x Spencer Reid (i picture season 2/3 Spencer but y’all do you)

Category: angst

Word count: 3086 words

Warnings: general criminal minds stuff, mentions and descriptions of torture, descriptions of loss, HAPPY ENDING!!, my 3am writing, tooth rotting love, uhmm spoilers for Orwell’s 1984 (if anybody hasn’t read it), humiliation, Spencer crying and breaking my heart (lmk if you need anything warned or trigger tagged).

A/N This is very loosely based on 2x15 (VERY LOOSELY). I’m quite proud of this one :)

masterlist // 505 series taglist

*****

They say you never see it coming.

When a tragedy occurs, and someone’s life is turned upside down forever, they never see it coming. It just... hits them. Like an oncoming car ramming into a bystander who was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.

No one has time to prepare. In our time-starved lives, there is no place for such a warning.

One day, you just wake up. And they’re not next to you. They’ve disappeared, leaving the stickiest, most unforgettable parts of themselves behind for others to grieve to: the smell of their shampoo in the pillows they used to share, the seconds just as you wake when you still feel like you have them - only to gain full consciousness and realise they left you behind - even the fucking jars, which never seem to be open because he’s just not there to do it.

And you feel your heart breaking all over again as your soul sticks to the parts that couldn’t be erased with the rest of him as he left. Because you needed him, you had him, and now he’s gone. No warning, no letter, no signs which could’ve helped you foresee such a tragedy, because how could he? He didn’t disappear on purpose.

She doesn’t understand why he's so absent. So unequivocally missing. And the person she would turn to to ask these riddled questions isn’t there to answer. Because he’s gone.

But they’re not there yet.

And she feels so close to that feeling - the helplessness, the pain, the empty cups next to her bed because he always carried them to the sink when she was finished with her tea the mornings of those rare days they got to sleep in. Those days when they had time. She can practically touch, with the tip of her fingertips, the waves of pain that would surge over her if he was gone for one more fucking minute.

She has to remind herself, over and over again, like a mantra. He’s not gone yet.

The “yet” at the end of her mantra just breaks her all over again.

She was always the one to tell Spencer “if you worry before something happens, in case it goes wrong, and then it does, you’ve managed to suffer twice through something painful for absolutely no reason”. It usually worked. Needless to say, she felt like a hypocrite right about now.

Because Spencer is gone. And she doesn’t know how to bring him back.

She knows only to watch the monitor, never once blinking, taking in everything that happened in that damned livestream - every word, every sound, every reference. She can only try to hear anything over the whimpers and sobs her love was letting out as he’s tortured by that man. She can only hear the cracks of his knuckles against Spencers soft skin, the same soft skin she had kissed mere hours ago before telling him to “be careful”. Her own way of saying the three little words the couple was too young to hear. She can only see his lips parting, sobs rumbling out of his body as the unsub abuses his frame over and over again - same lips which had kissed her forehead before telling her “i always am”.

Then again, she isn’t sure if its his voice which is filling her head with painful sounds or if her mind is playing tricks on her, memorising the horrifying vibrations coming from his chest for her to ever consider anything else. She hasn’t stopped hearing him since she turned on that damned computer.

She isn’t sure she’ll ever stop hearing it.

**

As a man of great intellect, Spencer always recurred to knowledge to understand difficult occurrences in his life. Burying himself in textbooks, novels, poems, and even music to understand pain, and himself having a life filled with it, he was an incredibly knowledgeable man.

He knew much. But right now, he only knew one thing.

In Orwells’ 1984, as Winston was being tortured (much like Spencer is right now), Orwell described the following:

“Never, for any reason on earth, could you wish for an increase of pain. Of pain you could only wish one thing: that it should stop. Nothing in the world was so bad as physical pain. In the face of pain there are no heroes, no heroes”.

And, as a man who had acquired most of his intellect by immersing himself in trivial content in the face of pain, he found himself doing the same thing as the unsub hurt him over and over again, each blow seemingly more painful than the last. As his skin bruised, a causality of his abusers torment, he analysed the seemingly logical quote.

It must depend on the person, he was sure. In fact, a number of factors must be taken into consideration at this statement. For starters, Winston lives in a society incapable of any human feelings. There is only dominance, and those who attempt, in vain, to challenge it. Surely, if he had felt happiness, like the one you feel when the first day of spring rolls around, or like the one that creeps up on you as you look into the eyes of your loved one, surely, he would understand that some things can outweigh pain.

Love.

If Spencer’s mind could make sense of what he was feeling right now, he would understand, something he would figure of were he to leave this damned place, that he was thankful to the Gods, were there any, for having the unsub kidnap him and not Y/N.

Winston hadn’t understood emotional pain because emotions weren’t dealt with regularly. They were discouraged. That’s why he believed that there are no heroes in the face of pain. Because he doesn’t understand emotional pain.

He knew he was suffering. He also knew that Y/N was at the other side of the blinking camera suffering more than he could ever imagine.

**

They say emotional pain lasts 12 minutes. Anything one feels after this would be the aftermath of the cause of the pain in question. Pure emotional pain, the one you practically feel in your chest, the one that says “i can’t think, feel or be. not until this feeling dissipates”.

She had learned this from Spencer.

And she wished it were true. As she watched that damned monitor, she wished that all the venom the unsub was spewing at Spencer, all the verbal abuse, was long forgotten. She wished he could only feel the physical pain. Because the mind is incredibly stronger than the body - it could keep him awake, alive, for just enough time for the team to rescue him.

The entire team had huddled around the monitor around her. She was painfully aware that other people were seeing this. Which meant it wasn’t her imagination. It wasn’t another one of those damned dreams she would have when she slept a little too far away from Spencer’s touch.

They had only been together for two months, but his touch was all that could get her to fall asleep.

She jolted as the unsub landed another slap on Spencer’s cheek, swiftly grabbing his hair for him to look into the camera. He had a cut above his right cheek, just where she would kiss him in the mornings, and bruises all over his neck, jaw and left eye.

“Say hi to your team!” he mocked Spencer, chuckling darkly as he moved his almost lifeless body around for the team to watch in horror. Spencer let out a heartbreaking sob, feeling so vulnerable.

“Why don’t we make this interesting?” he jumped, as if he had gotten an idea. The unsub reached behind himself to grab a pistol, clicking off the magazine safety to put one bullet in one of the eight slots, leaving the other seven free. He pointed it at Spencer’s temple.

Her entire body shook the thought of seeing Spencer’s lifeless body, held up only by the ropes and that sick man’s grip around his curls. The same curls she grabbed as she kissed his face when she wanted his attention.

“I’m going to ask you some questions...” he said, voice dripping with sickening sweetness as he turned the roulette, “and if i don’t like your answer i’ll pull the trigger! Let God decide what I do with you. Sounds good?”. He wanted to humiliate Spencer.

However, Spencer made the mistake of not answering him. He was quickly reminded as the barrel of the gun pointed right between his eyes, pulling the trigger, a loud bang! sound expanding through the barn.

“I asked you a question!” he suddenly yelled into Spencer’s face.

“Y-yes, Sir” he whimpered, shaking at the ease at which the man pulled the trigger.

“Good, you’re learning”.

**

She experienced it by bits. Hotch’s hoarse voice. “Talk to me Garcia”. “We’ve got coordinates”. Everybody rushing to the SUVs. Tripping over her own feet on the way to the car. Morgan’s voice. The iPad, which still carried Spencer’s whimpers and the man mocking tone.

“I’ve got your diary, Spence” his sing-song voice didn’t match the disgusting man she was looking at. Nothing made sense.

“And I wanna know why...” he drew out the ‘y’ as he looked for something between the worn pages between his hands.

Of course she knew Spencer owned a diary. But she was mature enough to keep her hands to herself and her eyes on her own pages as he wrote on his, eyebrows creasing as he recalled all which he had experienced during the day. His face would twitch slightly at the memories, both good and bad, as he basically described his day word by word.

“...why did you wait until you were 24 to lose your virginity?” he asked in a clear attempt to humiliate and ridicule Spencer in front of his team.

“I-I didn't-” he could barely finish a word before a sob wrecking through his body at the humiliation, chest rumbling and voice wavering. “I didn’t want to lose it before, i w-wasn’t in a hurry” he rushed out. The man brought the pistol to his own chin, tapping it as he thought. “Hmm... I’m satisfied with your answer. Let’s dig deeper, shall we?” he asked as he went back into the pages.

“ooh! This one is new” that sick bastard was having fun with this, completely unaware that the team was less than 5 minutes away from their location.

“Care to read what you wrote three days ago? Right here” he turned the pages so Spencer could read them, though he was painfully aware of that entry he was talking about. His body shook violently. “P-please. D-don’t ma-make me do t-this” he whimpered, body feeling defeated.

“Wrong answer” the unsub said before pointing a gun at him and pulling the trigger.

A shriek was heard from the iPad. The SUV went silent.

“He’s alive” she whispered, unable to speak up. “He-” she swallowed. “He’s alive. We’re not there, yet” her mantra became a reminder that she hadn’t been quick enough to help him. She had the tools to save him. Every second she had the knowledge to save him and didn’t was another second she remained impotent at the risk of losing the love of her life.

Spencer’s voice spoke from the iPad.

“C-can you at-at leas-st turn off t-the ca-amera?” he said between sobs.

And it hit her.

What hurt him the most wasn’t the memories he had to relieve, but the fact that the rest of the team would have to hear his most intimate thoughts. His deepest secrets.

He could bare the pain. The humiliation? That broke him.

“Aww” the unsub chuckled mockingly, “are you embarrassed?” he said, slouching down to look into his eyes. “Well too fucking bad!” he screamed into his face, spitting with every word he spewed at him. Spencer’s sobs got louder.

“O-okay okay!” Spencer caved, accepting the journal that got shoved into his face.

“Read, pretty boy” the unsub sang. That son of a bitch was having fun.

“We’re two minutes away, Y/N” Hotch said. Maybe it was he sobs, which were barely audible to herself, having accepted them as second nature after all the heartbreak she was experiencing, but Hotch needed her to be okay.

His own heart thumped into his chest, feeling as helpless as he’d ever felt. Seeing a member of his team - someone he was supposed to take care of, someone he was supposed to keep safe - was sobbing as he was physically and emotionally tortured. But he was painfully aware of the feelings Y/N was experiencing. The sheer fear that was running down her veins at the idea of them running out of time.

After a few sobs, Spencer started reading, interrupting himself occasionally with his whimpers:

“It’s been three months. Today, three months, seven hours and forty-six minutes ago, she did what I didn’t have the courage to do. She asked me out. “I’ve been wanting to ask you pretty much since the day i met you” she had said. Those words keep ringing in my head like a beautifully written symphony, intrinsically designed to make me face my deepest fears. Opening my scars one by one, dissecting them and reaching the simple conclusion that i was a coward.

She didn’t say it, but what she meant was “i’ve been waiting for you to do it, but you never did, so i had to”. We wasted time - a time so precious and sacred - because i was a coward.

I’ve never felt like this before. I never understood a love so deep as to move something so stubborn as the human spirit. I’ve read textbook after textbook, and novel after novel, and still I’ve never learned more than with her. But I was a coward. And i wasted her time. I fear that I still am.

A knife twists at the thought that i should fall short of the mark. It’s impossible for me to ever be enough for her”.

Her heart broke at this confession. Even worse at the thought that he wouldn’t’ve told her, instead inhaling fear and exhaling rejection at every breath he took next to her.

“We’re here” she heard Hotch, looking at her. She grabbed a bottle of water and dropped the iPad, not hearing the teams objections at the lack of vest and preparation and ran into the barn.

She isn’t sure if she’ll ever stop hearing his whimpers. As she runs closer, she hears them louder and louder, decorated with sobs and cries, and small, meaningless replies to his abusers’ mocking words.

She kicked the door down, the loud bang booming across the room, only helping in raising Spencer’s sobs as he feared the sound had been the result of a certain trigger being pulled. As she looks at him, she realises just how much pain he’s been put through.

She remembers Orwells words, much like how Spencer had remembered them mere hours ago. And disagrees, wishing over and over, praying to the Gods that she would be the victim of such atrocious abuse. She wished she could take his pain. Morgan joined her at her side mere seconds later, yelling. “FBI! Put the gun down!”.

Spencer used the last bit of energy to lunge forward, hitting the unsubs stomach with his head, successfully getting him on the floor for Morgan to apprehend. Y/N rushed to Spencer’s side, untying him, as his now nonexistent sobs grew louder and louder, not only at the prospect of getting out of that horrible place alive, but also at the knowledge that Y/N had heard what he had so dreadfully recited.

Spencer collapsed into her arms, crying into her in the same way she was crying into him, and she wondered just how to take away all his pain. So they cried into each other, desperately grasping each others hair, skin, clothes, anything that would make them feel like they wouldn’t have to spend another damned second without the company of each other.

Spencer was the first to break the silence.

“I need-” he stopped, coughing. She reached for the bottle of water she had brought with her because she knew he would need it. She always knew what he needed.

He chugged it desperately, stray drops falling down his chin at his eagerness. He took a deep breath trying to steady his lungs.

“I need to get out of here” he choked out.

She grabbed him under the shoulders, careful not to hurt him - not being successful, realising that there wasn’t much of him the man hadn’t hurt. Y/N pulled him out, sitting down on the grass with him. Their legs intertwined, pulling each other impossibly closer. They kissed, over and over again. Not as an act of any sexual relevance, but as a reminder that they had each other in any way, shape or form. That they weren’t out of time.

The team was certain they would stay there, never letting each other go for another minute.

After what felt like seconds in their time-starved little world, she broke the silence, which had only been filled with their own cries and occasional sobs.

“Spence” she grabbed his chin to look into his eyes. They were dull, red and hooded. He was exhausted. “Mhmm?” he let out, looking into hers. She was his solace.

“How could you ever think you were anything but completely and unequivocally enough?” she whispered the words he dreaded.

But as Spencer looked into her eyes he knew, better than he had ever known anything, that he was enough. And she was enough. He realised that which she had known for the past three months (possibly longer). They fit like two marvellous puzzle pieces.

Her hands grabbed his cheeks slowly, as to not hurt or startle him, pulling his forehead into hers. “Baby, I can’t imagine anybody else waking up to me every morning. You’re so much more than enough”, she planted a small kiss on his forehead before resuming her position. “I’ll remind you every day of the rest of my life if that’s what it takes for you to believe it”.

And with their eyes closed, foreheads and noses pressed together and legs tangled between each other, pulling each other close, closer - around grass and voices and his abuser pressed into the hood of a police car, they only felt each other. With their shaky breaths, even shakier voices, fearing any words that would leave them in case they triggered a cascade of tears down their oh so vulnerable cheeks, they were more than enough.

***

I hope y’all liked it!! Feel free to let me know by liking, reblogging, or sending me a message :) 

super cool kid taglist: @lady-anon-x​ @spencerreid-mgg​​ @eoupe​ @inlovewithbabygirl​ @galaxydefenderjulia​ @username2002​

[manofmanymons]

Keith = Takuma

Nathan = Kaito

Kotetsu = Minoru

Barnaby = Saki

On another note, I have to find more people to ship Kaito with- (sadly? Takuma is the most shippable person in the group. Share some ships with others)

Assuming this is about this post you are absolutely correct lmao

Also now I feel compelled to turn this into a Kaito ship pitch so like

Okay hear me out. Ryo, right?

They could be introverts together. They could be really good at communicating without necessarily having to use words together. They could just do separate things but in the same space as each other. Obviously they would also do things actually together but there is like 0 pressure whatsoever to do the normal pleasantries or to "look like a couple" or anything. Ryo could teach Kaito some of the household skills he's picked up in his mom's absense so he can better take care of Miu. Pure vibes up in here.

I think shipping him with Minoru would be utter chaos and I'm not not into it.

They share a braincell when it comes to being violent and impulsive and almost nothing else. I imagine they could have a reasonable amount of fun together in maybe like an outdoorsy sense? Like Minoru just perpetually thinking it would be fun and cool to explore places and it being like "race you to the top of this hill" or "bet I can I climb this tree faster than you." Also Kaito being kind of blunt and kind of a dick (affectionate) mignt actually be good for Minoru and his insecurities? Just like "but what if I'm not good enough?" "Well that's fucking stupid, of course you are." Like you can 100% trust that if your bf who always tells it like it is says he thinks you can do something, you can do it. Minoru could indoctrinate his bf into the wonderful world of using fiction to avoid your problems and projecting your feelings onto your favs instead of like beating up kids at school sksjkd

I'm insane so instead of stopping there I'm gonna attempt to make a case for Saki

I thought it was really interesting that in the harmony route she told Takuma that she always thought Kaito was really sweet and it makes me lowkey insane that she didn't tell Kaito that before it was too late. Like idk maybe they'd get along better if she actually said "btw I appreciate you a lot and I'm happy you're here" cuz rn he just does not know that she thinks of him like that. And if they did actually talk and reach a point of like "oh hey wait you're cool and I like you" it could be kinda cute? Saki being able to see right through Kaito and understand his intentions even if he doesn't explain them well is cute! Her still calling him on his bs when he's being dumb and helping him be better is cute! Him reminding her not to worry what others think about her and that anyone would have to be a dumbass not to like her is cute! I feel like he would do something embarrassing in public just to prove to her how much other people's opinions do NOT matter and it would make her smile.

I am physically incapable of shipping him with Shuuji. Not because there's anything wrong with it but because I've spent entirely too much time thinking about them in the context of "they could have the cutest friendship ever" like just imagine Shuuji trying be the brother he wished he had but for Kaito because he knows what it's like to be unappreciated and be a disappointment to your parents and he just wants to look out for this kid and not let him feel what he felt

...

I got carried away with that last part I just felt the need to explain why I wasn't trying to make a case for Shuuji as a ship so no one thought that I forgot about him or didn't like him or anything

And like obviously I'm not mentioning Takuma or Aoi because I've talked about them before and because you were literally talking about shipping Kaito with someone OTHER than Takuma

But anyways yeah you can ship Kaito with anyone if you try hard enough.

[robininthelabyrinth]

Spilled Pearls

- Chapter 29 - ao3 -

“In the future, you should send your children to the Cloud Recesses for me to teach,” Lan Qiren said. He was sitting with Wen Ruohan on one of the rooftop gardens in the Nightless City, watching the moon and stars from a pavilion placed there for that purpose; their bodies were pressed close together, and it felt as if they were far away from all the things that were familiar. “You and Lao Nie both, and naturally I’ll come visit with you often as well, bringing my nephew. Between the three of us, we might even be able to teach them how to be proper human beings.”

Wen Ruohan laughed in his ear and pressed his lips to his cheek – he had taken to kissing him at random, spontaneous, as if still overwhelmed by the fact that he now had the right to do it.

“I will,” he promised. “I agree, I think they’ll turn out better that way…you would really have me educate your precious little A-Huan?”

“If I’m willing to entrust myself with you, why not him? Anyway, I can teach him music, and with the aid of the other teachers in my sect the sword in the Lan sect style, but you can teach him much more than that. You know how to look at the world and see it for what it is, and then bend it to your will, make it sing to your tune. He’ll be sect leader in the future; he needs to learn that, and you can teach it to him.”

“I can, and I will,” Wen Ruohan said, then thought for a moment and asked, “What does Lao Nie bring to the table?”

“Flexibility, mostly.”

Wen Ruohan barked out a laugh. “He certainly has that.”

He didn’t even sound bitter about it any more.

Lan Qiren smiled.

“In the meantime, I will handle the rest of it,” Wen Ruohan added, and Lan Qiren looked at him in silent question. “Come now, Qiren. Did you really think that I would allow you to remain caged in the Cloud Recesses your whole life?”

Lan Qiren paused. That was the sorest part of his heart, his most painful misery, but he didn’t think Wen Ruohan would bring it up casually. If anything, he was a bit more afraid of what Wen Ruohan might get into his head to do about it – there was very little Wen Ruohan wouldn’t dare.

“Da-ge –” he started warily.

“No, no,” Wen Ruohan said, lightly scolding. “Little Lan, be serious! I already rejected the opportunity to cage you here at the Nightless City, playing only for me, despite how much I longed to do so. I refused to do it – me, refusing myself – because I knew it would only make you sad. Do you really think I would allow other people a privilege that I have denied myself?”

Lan Qiren did not laugh, but he dearly wanted to. It might be the first time he’d ever wanted to laugh about his situation – not even Cangse Sanren had managed that. “Has anyone told you that you are extremely self-absorbed?” he asked instead. “Arrogance is forbidden. Do not be haughty and complacent.”

Wen Ruohan smirked back at him. “All true, little Lan, but don’t forget your favorite: Do not tell lies.”

Self-absorbed, narcissistic and arrogant, Lan Qiren concluded, and there was no helping it. It was clearly a terminal case.

He used his sleeve to hide his laughter.

“What are you planning, exactly?” he asked once he had recovered. “If you harm my sect, whether directly or indirectly by denying them my services, I would be even more upset than if you tried to lock me away in here.”

Wen Ruohan waved a hand dismissively. “Do you think me so incapable? I have already begun making arrangements. Discussion conferences may only be once or twice a year, being as they are tremendously irritating to arrange, but there’s no reason that we of the Great Sects should not recognize our greater duty towards the smaller sects, and not to mention our obligations to protect the mortal world –”

“You know that it exists, then?”

Wen Ruohan ignored him. “The resources of cultivation clans are limited, and the world large. There are many places which would benefit from aid that do not see any simply because they are far away or tucked in inconvenient places, and no sect lives nearby – naturally, it is our duty to fight evil no matter where it is encountered. Lao Nie has already agreed that it is critical that the sect leaders demonstrate our sincerity by fulfilling this duty in person, leading by example.”

Lan Qiren’s heart had already felt as if it were overflowing with warmth, and it felt even more so now, almost squeezed to pain by how much joy was there. More than he had known he could contain.

Bad luck in brothers, he thought to himself - but oh, he had such good luck in friends!

“I see,” he said, thankful that his usual neutral tone concealed how happy he felt. “And naturally, where you and Lao Nie go, Sect Leader Jin cannot be far behind in his eagerness not to lose out, and where three of the five Great Sects lead, naturally the rest cannot be far behind. So I, too, will be obligated to...what? Go out on night-hunts in inconvenient places?”

“The world is too large, and the number of cultivators too few – and at any rate, there’s no point in setting up a full night-hunt which draws in every person from a thousand li for a few paltry fierce corpses or a ghost or two. I propose, instead, that we would send cultivators out alone, in pairs or in small groups, to wander for a few months through the remote places in the world and clean them up. Then, at the next discussion conference, the Great Sects could jointly agree that whoever was most enterprising would receive a reward, and naturally, stories of various exploits could be exchanged – ”

“Ah. Another reason for young men and women to gather and boast of improbable exploits.”

“Think of it as giving them more opportunities to win glory,” Wen Ruohan said. “And stop talking down about ‘young men’; you are a young man. Naturally you are also qualified to go out to do such things. Required, even: if our Great Sects do not set a proper example, who will?”

“Mm. A proper example. Even if I coincidentally happen to spend more time playing music than hunting demons?”

Wen Ruohan’s eyes were bright. “Even so. And naturally, you could always bring along someone more powerful to do the demon-hunting for you…”

“How convenient.”

Wen Ruohan smirked. “Do you doubt that I will be able to make it happen, little Lan?”

“No,” Lan Qiren said, then added, honestly: “I think you could take over the world if you wished.”

“Naturally! But it would be quite irritating, I think, if I had to also ensure that both you and Lao Nie did not disapprove of my methods…” He paused, lips twitching. “By coincidence, while we’re discussing convenience, I was thinking that it would be dangerous to send all those wild and reckless young men out there without proper support. Surely it would be only reasonable to set up a few convenient places here and there, not so far away, to provide them with supplies and a place to rest and recover –”

Convenient places that would fly the Wen sect’s flag and spread its influence, Lan Qiren presumed. Lanling Jin would be furious – using wealth to buy influence was their favorite technique, and they resented other people copying it – and would immediately insist on establishing their own set of “supply stations”, and then the rest of them would have to catch up and make their own. Yet another expense, and the Great Sects would need to do more than most; it would probably wreck havoc with the Lan sect’s annual budget.

On the other hand, well the remote parts of the world really did need the help. One of the Lan sect’s newly recruited guest disciples had been talking about a place not far from his hometown that specialized in making coffin goods; it was, according to him, the most inauspicious place that could possibly be imagined…

Not a place anyone might want to go, unless they truly were intent on traveling.

Lan Qiren smiled once again. He thought he might never stop smiling.

“Indeed,” he said, trying to sound dry and rational. “Very coincidental. No one will doubt that this is nothing but a scheme to expand your reach and power, rather than any personal motive.”

Wen Ruohan did not answer, but instead, matching a smile of his own to Lan Qiren’s, pressed his lips against Lan Qiren’s once more.

After a little while of silence, Lan Qiren cleared his throat and asked, “Do you intend to tell people?”

He was not referring to Wen Ruohan’s plans for the future.

Wen Ruohan understood.

“In time,” he said. “As much as I would love to shout that you are mine and I am yours from the rooftops and perhaps have bulletins be posted to every town -”

Lan Qiren grimaced. It would be one thing if he thought Wen Ruohan was exaggerating for romantic effect, but unfortunately it would be just like him to engage in that level of over-the-top grandstanding.

“– but your position is not yet certain, and my reputation is too questionable. People would make assumptions and spread malicious gossip, and I – I would not harm you to please myself.”

“Sweet-talker.”

“It’s not sweet-talking when it’s true,” Wen Ruohan protested, although he was chuckling. “When you are more renowned as a teacher than a sect leader, when little A-Huan is old enough to have passed the worst stretches of childhood – then we will announce it, and let the rest of the world choke on it if they like. You, me, Lao Nie…hmm. Jin Guangshan will probably think we’re concealing a conspiracy and ask to join in.”

Lan Qiren gagged. “I refuse,” he said. “I don’t care if I’m not physically involved, neither you nor Lao Nie are allowed to even think about it. That man has visited so many prostitutes that one might be forgiven for thinking he believes that the road to immortality is paved with venereal disease.”

“…thank you, that was an image I did not require.” A pause. “Jiang Fengmian –”

“Remember when he punched me in the face in a fight over a girl I didn’t even want?”

“It wasn’t a serious suggestion.” Wen Ruohan chuckled once more and pressed another kiss to his cheek. “Some years ago now, I swore to your Cangse Sanren that I would do right by you. I ought to invite her here and show her that I’ve made good on it.”

“You haven’t made good on it.”

“I haven’t?”

“No. Such a promise is fulfilled through the keeping – if you want to do right by me, there is no one singular moment that would qualify, but rather a continuing obligation.” Lan Qiren smiled up at him. “I’m sorry, da-ge. You’ll have to continue to do right by me for the rest of our lives.”

“I will,” Wen Ruohan said, and smiled back. “It would be my pleasure.”

-END-

[katyspersonal]

K A T y

2, 9, 18, 24, 29, 32 for Ranni!

( Asks from this ( x ) meme)

2) Did you always like this character?

It actually took me some time! I am physically incapable of 'not caring' about any character, but at first I was as close to that state as I could be! Just that 'one of the main characters' deal with whom I had to patiently wait when something would click with me about her! And, well, it did, when I learned the full extent of her story and motivations!

9) Does this character remind you of anyone you know? Does that affect how you see them?

When I was 13, I had a close female friend who was closely tsundere-ish, secretive, extremely shrewd and even machiavellian! She had quite the reasonable takes on how the world and society worked, and cherished the dreams of somehow dismantling it. She even had cold and winter theme as her aesthetic (before we started to use this term)! She was so good at reading people that she could instantly guess my house situation despite me never even dropping hints online, let alone just sharing with anyone! And tried to find my step dad irl contacts to ruin him, in secrecy for me... How I wish her plan worked. x) The thing is, whereas that friend indeed was similar (excluding war crimes! .....as far as I know fhhfds), we haven't spoken in decade, and she is not occupying my mind space anymore. Forgotten until prompted. It is only right now, as I am typing this response, that I realise Ranni is similar to that person! So, whereas that friend doesn't effect how I vision Ranni, she might start to from this moment. :^)

18) Do you prefer to see this character suffer or know peace? Angst or comfort? Both?

Imagining her happy and peaceful is actually hard for me! She is just TOO far up the dark path. Machiavellism and weight of crimes she learned to accept feels like her very being. She is suffering, it is clear to see, but she is very cold and stoic against it. I prefer the angst for the character, but it feels like just proceeding with the canon than inflicting it. But on a smaller scale, I do enjoy peaceful moments with her depicted, like being silly with Blaidd, or, again, her younger years with family, especially Rykard!

24) Do you ever dream about this character? If so, describe a dream you once had about them.

No! She only appeared in a dream very briefly, once, without bearing on the plot besides giving me some sort of a very big key (like half of my height fsdh). I don't remember the context!

29) Do you affectionately bully this character?

I enjoy the "war criminal" joke here and there, of course XD And a few times I joke about her being 'edgy kid' or 'tsundere gf'! It is not something I dwell on often, because I do keep in mind the complexity of the situation and the gravity of the things she understood! I don't bully her more than say, Aldrich or Fauxsefka: it lasts for exactly 5 seconds before I remind myself and all 2 people that enjoy my posts that 'well aktyaly' these are very complex and their actions are strangely justified within their own setting and context, and it is so much about The Whole Thing and them having the spine to take up the quest against morality as they know it for greater thing, than about their own history. Basically the jokes are to lighten the mood for otherwise very serious character!

32) If you could make this character a meal, what would you make them?

I feel like she is used to most of the 'exquisite' meals, especially seafood ones living near Liurnia (so sorry, Boggart, no need for your help with this one :( ). I would opt for something that combines meat and fruit/berries!

It is hard to explain, I just feel like she'd appreciate the combination! (Also searching images was a mistake... now I feel so hungry that it makes me dizzy ;-;)

[trashyslashers]

Can I please ask for a slasher match up? 😇

I'm a female, using she/her pronouns and am interested in both, women and men.

I've got really pale skin (which I love), white blonde shoulder-length hair with the tips dyed dark purple on one side and dark green on the other, a few ear piercings, I'm somewhat curvy (which I'm not insecure about), around 5'5 high and I'm always wearing only black clothing with a gothic/punk/metal/alternative style.

My own love language is words of affirmation and acts of service and from others it's physical touch and quality time.

Meeting new people, being in crowded places and in the center of attention make me really anxious and uncomfortable. Although it's easier if I can rely and concentrate on someone really close to me.

I hate the summer, but love autumn and it's weather, aesthetic and flavours! My ideal day would entirely spend with a loved one ; cozy up inside, watch a movie, cook something together, maybe even bake, take a walk on a typical autumn day, cuddling a lot, listening to music and of course, laughing and enoying the time with them. Otherwise, I would love to do typical autumn activities with them!

I have deep emotions, but they tend to overwhelm me and I struggle with communicating and procressing them alone, which leads me to relying on others (annoying them with it) but also understanding others and the world around me on a deeper level. I believe that's also why I'm so accepting, supporting and open-minded.

I love to help others, I tend to always put their well-being before my own and try anything possible to make it easier for them and take some weight off their shoulders, to lighten up someone's mind and make their worries less overwhelming. To put it simply, I hate to see others suffering and will do anything to help them.

I'm the happiest when the people I love are happy, when someone truly listens to me, my thoughts and feelings.

I'm a very loving, warm and passionate person. I care about the people who're close to me and I will go to great length to help them. Furthermore, I'm ultimately loyal and would never betray or let people I love down!

I hate when people believe they can define or generalize what's normal or beautiful, boring or annoying, typical or effective. All these are personal views and usually I find beauty where others don't, enjoy unusualness and uniqueness and despise mainstream and stereotypical things. Being like everyone else or fitting into some kind of box annoys me so much!

The nightsky inspires and fascinates me, just as much as rain calms me down and fills me with serenity, passion and happiness. Though, my biggest passion is and always be music and I could never live a single day without it, it's like the air to breathe. I especially love (symphonic-,heavy-) metal!

I'm extremely shy, insecure and self-doubting, always believe that I'm annoying those around me. That's why I tend to distance myself and don't speak/act at all, in fear of embrassing myself even more. It helps if there's someone who helps, grounds and understands me in these times! With the right person, I can actually be quite sarcastic. Additionally, I'm terrible clumsy, always bumping against something, falling down or dropping something.

I firmly believe in the power of honesty and wish to be respected and accepted as much as I do show others.

My senses are pretty strong and my surroundings, especially combinated with my social anxiety, sometimes lead me to anxiety and panic attacks, which I obliviously hate and am ashamed of. I struggle to get out of them on my own, but to someone really close to me it's actually not so hard.

I really love watching movies and TV shows. To be honest, I prefer living in fictional worlds and daydreams over the real world. I'm especially enthusiastic about horror and fantasy. About fandoms I love, I could ramble on and on about forever. I'm literally incapable of stopping to talk and ramble, if someone wouldn't stop me, I would probably never shut up (at least as long as I'm really familiar with them, otherwise I'm pretty silent and reserved)

I'm living vegan and I'm really passionate about it! I wish to never ever harm an animal and to treat them with all the love my heart is capable of! If I could, I would help and adopt every single animal and care for them lovingly.

I'm quite clingy and like to be surrounded by everything that's even remotely that of someone who's close to me. If I could, I would spend every minute with them and feel as (physicially and emotionally) close to them as possible.

Here are some random things I love : animals (especially cats!), being physically close to people I love, the smell of a freshly baked cake, pale skin, moving in-tune with someone, people talking with passion and love, inside jokes, fuggy hillsides and landscapes, flowers growing in the cracks of pavements, long hugs, music loud enough to silence everything else, oddities, the purring of cats, thunderstorms, sharing earphones, movie nights, stepping into shallow puddles, open windows at night, freckles, perfectly worn-in combat boots, typical autumn and winter days, looking at the stars, seeing someone else's smile and joy, wavy hair, leather jackets, to feel truly calm and discovering similarities

I'm longing for someone to fall in love with me, accepting and supporting me just as I'm. I'm not easy to get along with and I'm used to feel like a outcast and weirdo, I believe that putting up with me is quite a burden, which I also don't wish to put upon someone. I don't need a lot of people around me, just one fully by my side is more than enough!

Thank you so much! 😊

Anon, I think you'd go well with...

Jason Voorhees!

Your ability to see beauty where others don't, coupled with your empathetic nature and tendency to put others before yourself is what drew Jason to you. The way you so actively seek to make sure those around you and those you care about do not suffer or feel alone is something Jason truly admires as he never thought he'd see such a thing from someone, given how such a person was absent in his life, apart from his mother.

Feeling as if one is an outcast is not something foreign to Jason. He knows - more than most - what it feels like to be fully rejected from society and other people as a whole. Regardless of the reason, it's not a pleasant feeling, and it's one that he can empathize with. In a way, he feels even more comfortable around you once learning that you, to a degree, know how it feels as well.

Words of affirmation are something he experienced very little of in his life time - and once again, what he did receive were only from his mother. The way you so readily tell him how much you care about, cherish, and value him and do so with what he can tell is genuine feeling behind your words stirs something in him he's never felt before.

And he's more than happy to indulge you in what makes you feel loved; he's very tall and very broad which makes it incredibly easy for him to hug, hold and cuddle you. When not out patrolling the campgrounds as he often does, nearly every moment is spent by your side.

Speaking of the campgrounds, it seems you enjoy many nature based things, or at least some. The campgrounds, as well as the cabin, are secluded and isolated, and so apart from the occasional gaggle of daredevils, trespassers, and nosey teenagers, it's just the two of you and the local wildlife. There are very rarely any interruptions in the serenity of the area apart from occasions during the summertime, and Jason wishes for you to be able to find peace in that. The view of thunderstorms over the lake is an incredible sight! Just please, don't get too close to the water.

You're vegan? No problem - although Jason no longer eats, there's plenty of space for at least a garden. Though you'll most likely need and want more than what you can grow there, he'll do what he can do keep you happy. Animals are something the two of you share a mutual respect and care for.

If you need someone to ground you in times of anxiety, Jason is your rock. Although to absolutely everyone else it's the opposite, Jason is able to be a source of comfort for you. He's surprisingly gentle when he wants to be, and he's quick to learn what helps you and what doesn't during your panic attacks, and is very attentive and patient when it comes to you. There's no need to feel pressured to speak when you're with him, but he loves it when you do, especially when you're rambling about what you're passionate about. It could never annoy him, even if he has no clue what you're talking about, and it warms his necrotic heart that you're sharing your passions with him.

Your sarcasm that comes about with your growing comfort is something he finds cute, and Jason definitely frets over you on your more clumsy days. He takes care to make sure your shared cabin (or your personal one, if you so prefer) is safe and that you won't get seriously injured on any sort of misplaced sharp object, or broken floorboard.

He appreciates the loyalty you display, and it's not because he has some sort of mistrust in you - rather, because it's unfortunately a very deep rooted insecurity in him that one day you'll wake up and you, too, will see him as everyone else saw him when he was alive, and how everyone sees him now. The regular reassurance you give him helps quell this on some of his bad days, and while it doesn't do so entirely, he puts his trust in your words.

Honestly, what more can I say? Jason would adore you. You and everything about you would make him feel safe and loved, and he'd strive to make sure you felt the same, with him.

[corysmiles]

Could you believe I actually am back with some Runnaway Experiment WRITING??? :D

This takes place very early on in the story, and gives some more insight into Tommy's life before they escaped (in the comics). Enjoy :D

-------

The experiment was growing years after years, to everyone’s delight. It seemed the first laboratorial human had a decent enough lifespan so that it could be studied in the long run. And so, 14 years, it has been since T0M saw the light of day, and it acted in a similar fashion a 14 year old human would. .

Of course, the many researchers failed to take in consideration an alteration of the most cumbersome. T0M looked human, could understand the english language, followed orders and didn’t complain, asked some questions but the specimen…. was big.

Too big to fit in a human bed.

Too big to fit comfortably in a room.

It went in spurts, which was terrifying the first time. It kept on growing and growing, as scientists hoped it wouldn't take long for it to stop, otherwise, it might lead to a lot of problems. But for the past 2 years, no noticeable change really occurred, which was a relief when the thing was already 25 ft tall. It never seemed to be challenging personality wise, which was a relief, but they still needed to keep him in line.

Hopefully, the Doctor Soot, as well as Doctor Puff took part in daily check ups and made sure he didn’t rebel.

So, every 2 day, they took turns to visit T0M in the room accustomed to its needs.

And both’s reports were excellent! T0M learned more while being as obedient and compliant as ever. Phil couldn’t be more happy with those results.

However, as time went on…. Wilbur failed to mention another kind of teaching he had going on with the subject for the past months.

“And this is called ‘Sadness’.” He held an A3 size paper with a moody smiley drawn on it, the word being written below. “It’s that feeling when our sessions are over and I have to go and you say ‘oh noooo’ in that voice.”

T0M was sitting on his knees in front of him, paying the utmost attention to what Wilbur was showing and saying.

“I hate that one.” He pouted.

“I know,” Wilbur chuckled. “No one likes to feel sad. But it’s a part of life.”

A single hum. Wilbur’s smile turned more sympathetic.

“Do you remember the other ones?” He stood up from his place and put the sheet in one of the dark grey metallic drawers.

T0M nodded, excitedly. He took his hand and poked his fingers as he counted. “ there’s “Happiness”, it’s the good one. And “Disgust”, it’s when I have to eat the weird green stuff.”

“Brocoli”

“That. And then there’s excitement, it’s when I smile real big because you come early.”

Wilbur clapped “Wonderful!” T0M’s eyes were shining stars at every approval from Doctor Soot. Even though T0M’s enjoyment was very appreciated and contagious, but it could be a bit… much, to handle at times.

“Since you understand the basics, I think it’s time for us to start a whole new lesson.” He clapped.

T0M gasped and cheered from the top of his lungs “YEAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!”, throwing his arms in the air and effectively making the room shake from the sheer volume of his voice. When he looked back at the scientist, his eyebrows were pinched and the brunette was covering his ears and curled up, almost in pain.

“...Doctor?” He brought his head close to the man who, after making eye contact, scrambled back until he hit the same drawer he put the papers in earlier. T0M looked at him confused, face still too big in Wilbur’s peripheral.

“I… Tom, I appreciate your enthusiasm when we do our lessons, but if you could prevent yourself from screaming, it would be nice.” He tried in the most gentle voice he could muster without it shaking.

“What’s screaming?” T0M asked, crouched so his face was almost on the ground at eye level with him. He brought a hand closer to the doctor who was still breathing heavily. When his head shot to look at the hand, his body on alert, he froze before saying.

“... Is it a moment when I can’t touch you?”

Wilbur’s eyes were locked on the now frozen hand for a good second before returning to T0M, nodding. “Uh, yeah.”

“... Okay.”

The hand retracted in the following seconds, and soon, he was back in his initial position.

The doctor thanked before regaining his composure. He looked back at T0M, and his expression held remorse. A guilt twisted Wilbur's guts at the view. Thing is, as T0M grew up, people quickly realised he was the equivalent of clingy. He would constantly grab people into hugs and had a hard time keeping his voice down which resulted in a large noise blocker investment. And so they had a rule. T0M couldn’t make any sort of physical contact with anyone without being given explicit permission first. Obviously, most workers considered T0M as a test subject and therefore, wouldn’t give him that pleasure.

Wilbur, though, was not in the same vein. Once he realised how empathic and emotional and human T0M was, he started teaching him things a human teen should need, and started giving him a sort of affection a human teen should have. Which included some sort of physical affection.

When T0M was sad, he would sit next to him or pat his back. It quickly evolved as Wilbur accepted being held by the boy and brought to eye level as long as he was careful when doing so, and ever later, they would hug and wilbur would try to brush his hair at times.

Still, that didn’t make him immune to any of T0M’s carelessness which’s consequences were amplified ten fold due to his scale.

“Did I do something wrong?” he asked pitifully.

“I- no, it’s not your fault. It can just be a bit overwhelming is all.” Wilbur explained.

“... what does that mean?”

“It means… when something is ‘too much’. Like when you want to bring Techno very close, but he keeps reminding you about the rule.”

“Oh.” T0M let his head fall. “... I don’t like that.” Wilbur scratched his head. “I want to be so close and show that I’m very happy and it’s all inside and I can’t let it out.”

“Well, here, it’s a bit more of the opposite. When outside, there is a lot and you’re incapable of letting it in.”

“... I’m sorry Wilbur” he mumbled.

“It’s okay, I’m not angry.” reassured the brunette. “I just have sensitive ears.”

“...Everyone has sensitive ears.”

“Well, when you’re a small guy like me, you’re sensitive on pretty much all fronts.”

“... It’s not fair.”

“What’s that?” Wilbur perked.

“When I stop getting big and strong, I want to hug you with all of my will. Like you do with me. It feels nice. I want you to feel nice just like that. I want you to be overwhelmed with happiness. I want to hug you so, so bad but I can't and it's shit. I don't want to be strong, I hurt you if I’m strong. I want to hug you."

Tommy vented, more to himself, and when he looked at Wilbur, his eyes shined, not with joy.

"Oh Tommy…."

It ached. It ached Wilbur to his core that something as simple as a hug was something he craved and still couldn't get. Because he knew. He knew all of the things T0M was missing out on. All the life he could have lived if he was granted freedom. How much he could live and appreciate. It kept him awake at night.

But he was here. Trapped. In a room barely tall enough to contain him, treated like a circus monster. And the worst thing was, T0M wasn't aware of it. Of all the life he wasn't living. How his life was no life and how he thinks this absence of everything is what life should be.

Plato would probably laugh in his grave.

"I promise you. One day, you will be able to do that. I promise you that I'll find a way for you to hug me just like you are a small man too. I promise you that I'll make you discover all of those joys of life, Tom. I Promise you. I will help you. And I'm sorry for not being able to provide it sooner. And I'll apologize for all the years it took for me to get it."

They stared at each other, and Tommy nodded, throat tight and eyes wet.

"And a promise makes sure that it's gonna happen." T0M croaked.

"Exactly, tom." Wilbur smiled. "You are going to live many more things."

The bell rang, and both faces fell a bit.

"I'll see you in 4 days, Tom. We're gonna have a little recap over the emotions you learned and then I'll teach you about relationships."

"Oohh, that sounds nice! What is it?"

As Wilbur packed his little bag, he looked at T0M and simply replied "it's all around you. But I'm not gonna spoil the next session. On that note, I wish you a nice week, Tom."

"Have a nice week, Wilbur! " T0M waved with a smile. "It's nice talking to you."

"It is my absolute pleasure, Tom."

And thus, they parted. As Wilbur walked down the immense corridor (just tall enough Tom could run through them.) He wore a satisfied smile. His small steps resonated, the only sound in the room, yet peaceful enough for his ears to listen to them as carefully as silence. Halfway through, the sound was doubled.

"Helloooo."

"Oh, hey techno! How are you?"

"Doing fine. You seem very happy."

"I am. I made some good progress with T-he subject. I feel like he's learning well. The next tests should have fabulous results."

"Ahh, wonderful. Let's make sure it doesn't learn too much though." He joked.

And at that, Wilbur chuckled, his hand on the man's shoulder. "Oh don't you worry about that, my friend. I can assure you that'll never happen"

"Amazing" techno replied, deadpan. Both nodded their conversation away and walked the rest of their ways.

As he got further away, the doctor's smile turned to an amused grin. His steps resonated, so much smaller than what could be, in a corridor in which the boy just next door should walk through.

"Don't you worry about a single thing."

MEL YES I ADORE THIS AU SO MUCH ITS SO GOOD!!!!!!!!

Poor Tommy but at least Wilbur is helping him :”]

[chloe--bug]

The hurt is so big and painful inside of me, what should I do?

When I was a little girl, my father would give me a rake and instruct me to make a huge pile out of the fallen autumn leaves in our yard. Sometimes, we would pick up all of the leaves and put them in big, thick, paper bags. On especially happy nights, when it was cool and dark outside and I had tired myself out from playing with the neighbors and climbing the tree and touching the dirt, we would make the pile particularly robust so that I could run towards it, and jump onto the cushion of foliage we had just created. The leaves would fly everywhere and I would laugh and laugh and laugh and we wouldn't rake them back up that night. On a night like tonight, I wish I knew where my journals from 2007 are. I'd like to know how little me described that moment in her writing. I know it was magical, but I no longer think in the same language I did when I was so young.

When I was a little girl, my father would give me the rake, and I would jump into the pile, and I would drink a glass of milk at the soft wooden kitchen table with my name scratched into it, and my mother would brush my hair, and I would put my toys where they belonged, and I would kneel beside my bed to pray before I slept.

I no longer live in a house with a backyard, and I don't own a rake, and the kitchen table is soft (I found it at Goodwill for $10) but it's much smaller and it doesn't have my name, or anyone's, scratched into it. There is no one here to care for me now that I have broken bones. There is no one here to sing me to sleep when I'm awake and upset past bedtime. So much happens every week. I'm worried that I am not tending to my physical or emotional pain because I have forgotten how to slow down. I looked at the calendar and I cried. All of the time I depended on is up, things have to happen now, and I can't even find the time to crawl under my bed and collect my cat's toys, or to lie down and rest my weary, weary, body, or to sit and feel the pain of everything that has happened.

I realize that I am, by nature, a tender, thoughtful girl, but my dedication to pleasing others before myself has forced me to bear this very silently. I know that it is sweet that I feel in the way that I do. I really do have so, so much love in my heart, but I also carry a lot of worry which is probably directly correlated to the love. I worry that I do not love in the right direction, or that I will love the biggest in the moments I am crying myself to sleep. I am carrying these things very close to my chest, and it is all beginning to ache so intolerably hard. I find it troublesome that I feel incapable of letting any of my sufferings be real to anyone else. They have grown to be everything I see – the hospital bracelet is on the floor because it hurts too much to pick it up, and the bowl and spoon are on my bedside table, and the poor, sweet, quiet cat climbs over my piles of unfolded laundry to come cuddle with me. It is all becoming too much for me, yet my voice echoes quieter and quieter down the corridor of reality. I am letting this hurt swallow me from the inside.

I know what I want. I feel lucky to faithfully believe that I deserve all of it and more, and yet... I am too frightened to ask for it. I have become the sad type of person that would rather ponder forever the things she wishes she could express than just voice them out loud. I closed my eyes and pictured myself saying it all, and it was as though a cloudy mass began to exit my body, pulled by a string, freeing me of the weight of everything that keeps me so miserable when I'm alone. I could feel it so deeply, but the thought of acting on this daydream, subsequently forcing everyone in my life to have to deal with everything I want to unload on them, pains me in a wholly unique way.

Regardless of what I choose to do, soon many things will change. I find solace in the thought that maybe this will fix the problem – I will have a new job, he might leave Savannah forever, I will have some time to luxuriate in things like sweeping the halls and reading alone in my clean bedroom. But when I am being intimately sincere with myself, I have to concede that these developments will not absolve me of the affliction of my heart. They will not relieve the sting of feeling so underloved as I do now. What should I do? How could I cherish myself in this time of so much discomfort? Where do I start, getting the cloudy mass out of my body that I want so badly to just be my own?

I will see the sun in the morning and the leaves on the front lawn and be reminded of the still evenings spent jumping onto the leaves, but I know that I will not thoroughly relish any of it before I choose to unburden myself of this hurt. It is so big and painful inside of me, I need to know, what should I do?

[mistymark]

the boyfriend one. [hendery]

full masterlist // part of the nct boyfriend series // 1.1k

ok wow first assessment: 10/10 boy

gotta say it outright: mans is secure

like I dont rly see him as the type to get jealous

someone could deadass be like ‘hey are u okay with this?’ and he’ll look over and see u and some other guy just talking and laughing

and hed be like ???? what is there to not be okay with ??

and its genuine confusion

like he just doesn’t get why he should feel threatened by you being happy while talking to someone who isn’t him

he’s just happy ur happy!

he trusts you so much and just feels so secure in ur relationship

sometimes he’ll get jokingly jealous

if you say something like ‘wait yangyang asked me to help him fix his speaker ill be right back’ hendery will just grin and be like ‘wow should I be jealous??? bc I am??????’

also texts you all the time

you swear he must be glued to his phone

anything that happens to him is being recorded and texted to u immediately

also is the guy that goes through every single one of your texts and responds to each one individually

you sent him 12 texts?

you’ve got 15 in return

50% of his texts are just photos

most of them don’t even have captions – just random selfies

but each one makes you swoon bc holy shit that boy is so gorgeous what

sends u pics of louis all. the. time.

he sends pics of him cuddling the tiny cat with a pout and captions them like ‘wish this were u :(‘

you respond ‘wow sorry I cant be him >:(‘

both of u joke around a lot

if 50% of his texts are photos, 25% are gifs

they never make any sense

he’ll just send u a funny gif he found and hope u find it funny too

has never ever left u on read

probably incapable of doing so tbh

also isn’t afraid of flirting with you?? even after u start dating???

hits u with cheesy pick up lines and smooth one-liners at any opportunity

even when the others are around

bc he literally doesn’t care and loves your reactions

big grins

‘I want, uh-’ and you’ll be like ‘me? :D’

and his smile just gets rly wide

‘well, yeah… but that’s not what I was going to say!’

kun waiting to hear what hendery wanted: o.O

calls himself a simp for u as a joke but its only funny because it really is true

it was especially funny before you guys started dating

because he was so obvious

at first you were oblivious but that boy wears his emotions on his face

didn’t take you long to realise he liked you too

could not keep his eyes off of you tbh

even when you weren’t even talking to him, or he was talking to someone else

his eyes would just follow you as you walked into the room, got something you needed, walked out

and he’d always have this dumb lovestruck look on his face

whenever he made a joke, he’d always look to you to see if you laughed too

the sparkle in his eye whenever he saw u laughing at his jokes :(((( so cute :(((

loves to cuddle !!!!

slut for cuddling !!

run your fingers through his hair once and he’ll just melt in ur arms

lowkey dates are definitely his thing

doesn’t mind going out but any date that ends with y’all chilling at either his place or yours is his fave

prefers dumb comedies and action movies over any other kind of movie

tho he wouldn’t care abt the movie if youre with him

he finds it lowkey rly difficult to focus when ur around !!

cannot stop smiling when he knows ur watching him

when u go out with the group, he doesn’t feel the need to be attached to u at all times

but he will look over at you a lot to check up on u

just to make sure ur included and having a good time, you know?

he would never say it but he’s so glad you get along well with his friends

especially since they’re so important to him

oh! he gives u all his clothes

literally anything u want he’s throwing it at u

sometimes hides the blankets in his room when u come over so u have to ask to borrow clothes

bc the smile on ur face and the blush on ur cheeks when u slip his clothes over your head is the cutest thing ever

also just rly loves being in physical contact with you??

especially behind closed doors

hes so clingy

like in public hes content with his arm around you or holding ur hand

but when ur alone in his room watching movies?

wraps himself around u like a koala when u cuddle

u get up to go to the bathroom and hes like ‘noooooo’

‘:) be quick’

texts u while ur in the bathroom like ‘i miss u AHAHAAHAHAH’ and then groans when he realises ur phone is with him

takes a lot of dumb casual selfies on ur phone whenever ur not around

sometimes u purposefully leave ur phone with him so he’ll do just that

uses classic emoticons in his texts like ;) :) and :D

responds ‘can I join? ;)’ to random things you say youre doing

like cleaning your desk or hanging your laundry

‘can I join? ;)’ ‘u want to help me clean the toilet?’ ‘aha if I was cleaning the toilet what would we be doing? Aha ;)’ ‘istg hendery I-’

shows up at ur place when hes bored and got nothing to do

‘hey’ ‘hey :) whats up?’ ‘can I come over’ ‘yeah, is everything ok?’ ‘ye im here’

and ur like 0.0 ok

and he just hangs about, helping u with whatever u need to do and then u just chill for the rest of the day

also if u have a dog he’d want to walk it with u

u felt like being Shefs ™ and he came over to make chocolate covered strawberries with u bc neither of u wanted to actually cook or bake anything difficult

but u ended up eating all the strawberries dipped in the melted chocolate without letting them cool

chocolate was EVERYWHERE

especially after u both tried to feed them to each other

loves to share his music with u !!

ok this is 1.1k words I need to stop even tho im in my hendery feels

OVERALL BEST BOY IMMA CRY XX

[noaltbruh]

Ok, let's see if I can find them emogeees (old lady here): 🙈🙉🙊❤️❄️🔥

Thank you so much for the asks! ✨😊

🙈 SEE-NO-EVIL - whats a side of your oc that they don't want to show other people?

Eleonora doesn't want anyone to know about her 'pre Vento aureo' side. Her biggest fear is losing her loved ones over them finding out about her origins, hence her creating a fake story and trying to completely repress anything that came before meeting Giorno.

��� SPEAK-NO-EVIL - what is something your oc will refuse to stay quiet about?

Changes in others' moods/behaviors. When she notices someone slightly speaking in a lower or more monotone tone of voice, not responding with the enthusiasm or language they usually use etc...She just can't keep quiet. She'll immediately ask them if something is wrong and if she's involved in it, when in reality they just slept less than usual lol.

🙉 HEAR-NO-EVIL - what is the worse thing your oc could hear from someone?

"You don't belong here"

She's willing to put any sense of logic or personal identity aside, as long as it means being accepted and wanted by the ones around her. Hearing that after her efforts to fit in, to blend with everyone's wishes, people still want nothing to do with her, would absolutely break her.

❤️ RED HEART - their love language(s)?

Literally any type. Eleonora takes any opportunity she has to fill her friends and partner with love and care. I'd say acts of service, words of affirmation and physical touch particularly stick out though. She's made of 5% water and 95% emotional support. Giorno has had a long day and just came back home at 3:30 am.? There she is waiting for him on the salon couch, before throwing herself at him in a huge hug, making him lay down, wrapping him in a blanket and telling him how incredible he is for always doing so much for the organisation and the squad. The blonde doesn't even have time to think and process what is going on lmao.

❄️ SNOWFLAKE - do people consider them cold? if so, what made them this way?

Not in the slightest. She wears her heart on her sleeves and is incapable of hiding her feelings unless she's on a mission and just knows she has to be serious. Narancia cracks a bad joke? She's laughing her ass off. Mista scared her with some fake bug? She's screaming so loud God himself can hear her. A painful memory just came back to her? She's crying like a river. Once she becomes comfortable around them, she greets everyone with a happy, loud 'Good morning!' Each and every day.

🔥 FIRE - do they have any self destructive tendencies? what habits do they have that hinder them from becoming their best self?

I'd say her dependency on others is what holds her back the most. She lives in constant fear of 'not being good enough', or being 'rejected', she never acts 100% spontaneously because her brain always thinks about what she could do wrong and make everyone lose the respect they have for her. Her tendency to lie or never be truly honest to maintain harmony is what stops her from becoming her best self.