#I wish I knew how to find you again
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i miss my friend
#I wish I'd known you better#maybe then you'd have stuck around me#I know it's my fault#I wish I knew how to find you again#you were my very best friend for over a year#I'll probably never talk to you again but I think about you almost every day#sometimes I see our messages and it hits me like a cudgel because they give no indication that this would happen#but all I know is your first given name and that you were probably going to move back to America
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It's missing my father hours rn so imma just dump a bunch of pictures here and cry
( sorry i don't know the source of anything I just had them on my phone)
(also dont read the tags i just need to let it out lol)
#I just realized I can call him dad easier than my real dad and now I understand why am I so damn attached to him#I always knew he was a parental figure for me#but now I connected the dots#How when u have an absent dad and a d34d mom a guy shows up in ur life#that tells u life advice that both of ur parents failed to do so#and makes u feel safe the first time in ur life#ofc ud become attached#i know for sure its unhealthy how much i love and miss him#he occupies most of my thoughts honestly#But how could i not cling to him so much when he was the only one who gave me hope in life#i try to keep going and even tho he is not here i keep telling myself whatever he taught me. i keep reminding myself he wants us to live an#bloom and be free#and that's what ill try to do#but you know somedays i wish i could just disappear and be wrapped in eternal happiness#its so fucking hard to pull yourself out of the slump man im so fucking tired im so so tired#somedays i wish id have the courage to off myself but i know that deep down i want to live and ive always wanted to live but i have no idea#how to live. i feel like i finally found a purpose and someone i love. but at the same time im always doubting myself and im scared of losi#g this little hope again and i know i should cherish and use it instead but each day i have this anxiety because rn i have nothing else if#lose this i seriously will lose everything atp. but ill still try bc rn its this or death so i should try im just damn tired yes anyways#sorry for being depressing some days just dont work out but thats okay#yes at the same time i want to get out of my head and try to find some friends but i cant deny that im highkey fucked up and i just cant le#go of my past and i still feel like that helpless unloved kid and idk how to form relationships this way. i dont trust myself at all so idk#how to trust others. and i feel like in order to find ppl that would love me i have to overshare abt my whole lifestory bc it still dictate#my life heavily. and since i met this band its better cuz im learning to deal w it and i want to heal from everything but yes at the same t#me who would wqnt to be friends w. someone that has like a year of life experience and 18 years of depression lol#so yes its complicated. bc i have friends but im like the funny friend. the one that is as shallow as puddle and has no problems but honest#y im genuinely sufferint qnd have been sufferinz all my life so i want to come out of my funny friend role. but that wojld mean i have to t#ll the shit i went through to all my friends but tbh it would be so random so ye. i do have a plan though. how it could work. But yes im ti#ed have been tired for 7 years now. But this time around i hope i can successfully get out of this torture cycle lol.#ok sorry this is what happens after puberty guys i could beva research case for a damn mental institute atp xdd
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Rowaelin Chapter 41 Kingdom of Ash:
She'd rebuild it—what she had been.
Perhaps one last time, perhaps only for a little while, but she'd do it. If only for Terrasen.
Rowan swooped from the mast, shifting as he reached her side at the rail. He surveyed the night-black sea beyond them. "You should rest." She slid him a glance. "I'm not tired." Not a lie, not in some regards. "Want to spar?" He frowned. "Training can start tomorrow."
"Or tonight." She held his piercing stare, matched his dominance with her own.
"It can wait a few hours, Aelin."
"Every day counts." Against Erawan, even a day of training would count.
Rowan's jaw tightened. "True," he said at last. "But it can still wait. There are ... there are things we need to discuss." The silent words rose in his animal-bright eyes. About you and me.
Her mouth went dry. But Aelin nodded In silence, they strode into their spacious quarters, its only decoration the wall of windows that overlooked the churning sea behind them. A far cry from a queen's chamber, or any she might have purchased as Adarlan's assassin.
At least the bed built into the wall looked clean enough, the sheets crisp and stainless. But Aelin headed for the oak desk anchored to the floor, and leaned against it while Rowan shut the door.
In the dim lantern light, they stared at each other.
She'd endured Maeve and Cairn; she'd endured Endovier and countless other horrors and losses. She could have this conversation with him. The first step toward rebuilding herself.
Aelin knew Rowan could hear her thundering heart as the space between them went taut. She swallowed once. "Elide and Lorcan told you... told you everything that was said on that beach."
A curt nod, wariness flooding his eyes. "Everything that Maeve said." Another nod.
She braced herself. "That I'm-we're mates."
Understanding and something like relief replaced that wariness. "Yes."
"I'm your mate," she said, needing to voice it. "And you are mine."
Rowan crossed the room, but halted a few feet from the desk on which she leaned. "What of it, Aelin?" His question was low, rough.
"Don't you..." She scrubbed at her face. "You know what she did to you, to ..." She couldn't say her name. Lyria. "Because of it."
"I do know."
"And?"
"And what do you wish me to say?"
She pushed off the desk. "I wish you to tell me how you feel about it. If…"
"If what?"
"If you wish it wasn't so."
His brows narrowed. "Why would I ever wish that?"
She shook her head, unable to answer, and stared over her shoulder toward the sea.
It seemed like he would close the distance between them, but he remained where he was.
"Aelin." His voice turned hoarse. "Aelin."
She looked at him then, at the pain in his words.
"Do you know what I wish?" He exposed his palms, one tattooed, the other unmarked. "I wish that you had told me. When you realized it. I wish you had told me then."
She swallowed against the ache in her throat. "I didn't want to hurt you."
"Why would it ever hurt me to know the truth that was already in my heart? The truth I hoped for?"
"I didn't understand it. I didn't understand how it was possible. I thought maybe ... maybe you might be able to have two mates within a lifetime, but even then, I just ….." She blew out a breath. "I didn't want you to be distressed." His eyes softened. "Do I regret that Lyria was dragged into this, that the cost of Maeve's game was her life, and the life of the child we might have had? Yes. I regret that, and I wish it had never happened." He would bear the tattoo to remember it for the rest of his days. "But none of that was your fault. I will always carry some of the burden of it, always know I chose to leave her for war and glory, and that I played right into Maeve's hands."
"Maeve wanted to ensnare you to get to me, though."
"Then it is her choice, not yours."
Aelin ran a hand over the worn wood of the desk. "In those illusions she spun for me, she showed me variations on one more than all the others." The words were strained, but she forced them out. Forced herself to look at him. "She spun me one dreamscape that felt so real I could smell the wind off the Staghorns."
"What did she show you?" A breathless question.
Aelin had to swallow before she could answer. "She showed me what might have been—if there had been no Erawan, if Elena had dealt with him properly and banished him. If there had been no Lyria, none of that pain or despair you endured. She showed me Terrasen as it would have been today, with my father as king, and my childhood happy, and..." Her lips wobbled. "When I turned twenty, you came with a delegation of Fae to Terrasen, to make amends for the rift between my mother and Maeve. And you and I took one look at each other in my father's throne room, and we knew."
She didn't fight the stinging in her eyes. "I wanted to believe that was the true world. That this was the nightmare from which I'd awaken. I wanted to believe that there was a place where you and I had never known this suffering and loss, where we'd take one look at each other and know we were mates. Maeve told me she could make it so. If I gave her the keys, she'd make it all possible." She wiped at her cheek, at the tear that escaped down it. "She spun me realities where you were dead, where you'd been killed by Erawan and only in handing over the keys to her would I be able to avenge you. But those realities made me ... I stopped being useful to her when she told me you were gone. She couldn't get me to talk, to think. Yet in the ones where you and I met, where things were as they should have been ... that was when I came the closest."
His swallow was audible. "What stopped you?"
She wiped at her face again. "The male I fell in love with was you. It was you, who knew pain as I did, and who walked with me through it, back to the light. Maeve didn't understand that. That even if she could create that perfect world, it wouldn't be you with me. And I'd never trade that, trade this. Not for anything." He extended his hand. An offer and invitation.
Aelin laid hers atop his, and his callused fingers squeezed gently. "I wanted it to be you," he breathed, closing his eyes. "For months and months, even in Wendlyn, I wondered why you weren't my mate instead. It tore me up, wondering it, but I still did." He opened his eyes, and they burned like green fire. "All this time, I wanted it to be you."
She lowered her gaze, but he hooked a thumb and forefinger around her chin and lifted her face.
"I know you are tired, Fireheart. I know that the burden on your shoulders is more than anyone should endure." He took their joined hands and laid them on his heart. "But we'll face this together. Erawan, the Lock, all of it.
"We'll face it together. And when we are done, when you Settle, we will have a thousand years together. Longer."
A small sound came out of her. "Elena said the Lock requires—"
"We'll face it together," he swore again.
"And if the cost of it truly is you, then we'll pay it together. As one soul in two bodies.
Her heart strained to the point of cleaving. "Terrasen needs a king."
"I have no intention of ruling Terrasen without you. Aedion can have the job."
She scanned his face. He meant every word He brushed the hair from her face, his other hand still clasping hers to his chest, where his heart pounded a steady, unfaltering rhythm.
"Even if I had my choice of any dream-realities, any perfect illusions, I would still choose you, too."
She felt the truth of his words echo into the unbreakable thing that bound their very souls, and tilted her face up toward his. But he made no move beyond it.
She frowned. "Why aren't you kissing me?"
"I thought you might want to be asked first."
"That never stopped you before."
"This first time, I wanted to make sure you were ... ready." After Cairn and Maeve. After months of having no choices whatsoever.
She smiled despite that truth. "I'm ready to be kissed again, Prince."
He let out a dark chuckle and muttered, "Thank the gods," before he lowered his mouth to hers.
"You're my mate." Her words were a breathless rush. "And I am yours."
The world might have been burning around them for all she cared, all he cared, too.
"Together, Aelin," he promised, and she heard the rest of the words in every place their bodies joined. Together they would face this, together they would find a way.
Together we'll find a way, their mingling breaths, the crashing sea, seemed to echo.
Together.
#Chapter 41#Kingdom of Ash#Sarah J. Maas#Aelin Galathynius#Rowan Whitethorn#Rowaelin#soulmates#mates#spoilers and notes in tags cause this chapter and also spoilers in post cause this chapter first read react with me read along#Rowaelin chapters scenes moments quotes#they want to make it possible bring that love to light#am I allowed to cry? — Again the word endured — finally the dream — the sand she still sees — he’s magic being steady — them talking time#again if Maeve could convince Rowan Lyria was his mate how bad was it when she convinced Aelin her actual mate was dead… this hurts me…#the fact Aelin stopped being useful because it destroyed her beyond belief but the dreams the dreams almost got her because its all she wan#again then both feeling sorry and the other not realizing and then consent and then comfort and love & I just wanted it2be U how could I no#I know you are tired Fireheart (ALL THE TROPES IN ONE LINE… UGH I MISSED THIS SHIP)#together. one soul in two bodies. their endgame like literally they are. I’d choose you too. even the apologies that were needed just heali#what it might have once been — together — not alone — not returning alone — the king and queen of Terrasen — I need u more — 2 whatever end#Aelin watched the boat until it disappeared trying not to stare too long at the clean unstained sand beneath her boots#always north — she didn’t care she just wanted far away — who knew — what she knew-the letters she sent-Valg-dark blood that had turned red#If it had been another dreamscape or some fragment that had blended into the very real memory of Connall's death. — always a plab&theory#all these things to deal with later-she’d rebuild all she had been-her match helper mirror-matched his piercing stare with her own-wait/res#A far cry from a queen's chamber or any she might have purchased as Adarlan's assassin. — how far we’ve come-she had ENDURED she can do it#I'm your mate she said needing to voice it. And you are mine. — Lyria. — I do know. and?&what do you wish me to say?-this was perfect#If what? If you wish it wasn't so. His brows narrowed. Why would I ever wish that? — Aelin. she looked at him at the pain in his words#the way it's changed since Mistward... and grown... even in names like Whitethorn Galathynius together — the brain thoughts are back —#The kiss was gentle-light. Letting her decide how to guide it. So she did. — he’d do it all night if that was what’s he wished#Together we'll find a way their mingling breaths the crashing sea seemed to echo. Together. — mountains and oceans#Might’ve been before-thought snapped-the bond- u r my mate&I am urs-the world might have been burning for all she cared all he cared too#Together they would face this together they would find a way. — claiming him as he claimed her — a scar a marker a tattoo
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hello chat i am going to be a hater in tags for a moment (jst finished natlan act IV)
#snobrambles#wow /neg#i heard the story was bad but WOWWW#hoyo you are lost potential the company#you took the topic of war and had so many different routes and perspectives to look into and you went with power of friendship#I KNEW IT WAS POWER OF FRIENDSHIP BC I HEARD MOOTS TALK ABOUT IT BUT I DIDNT THINK ITD BE SO ABRUPT?#im not even mad im just mildly annoyed#there were parts i liked like where youd see differences depending on what you decide to do#like chosing to save one or the other and seeing the consequences#i thought that was neat#other thing i liked was diff chars talking about how witnessing all this scarred them but. i wish they fed into that more#and actually SHOWED that feeling rather than just going “wow! so im traumatized now”#and dude you couldve done more with the ancient names and mauvikas past.#like you couldve at least made it so that the six heros reminded her of the people she knew#give us a bit of sorrow instead of her walking around imagining her old friends and smiling bc tbh that made me feel nothing#and god the six heros thing did not feel well earned#its yae all over again in the sense that it felt like everything got solved way too easily#like wtf were all those losses for. it felt pointless#paimon getting emotional and us probably seperating in the next act was somewhat intriguing#i feel nothing for any of the chars except kinich but thats bc i find him funny#ugh. this story couldve been so much better#war itself is such an interesting topic in stories and it has so much potential and they absolutely fumbled and flunked it#also chuychus death was so abrupt and chasca crashing out made me laugh. sorry. ik it was supposed to be sad but i felt nothing#she was holding back her inner alpha wolf THE GACHA ALLEGATIONS ARE NOT ENDING#i felt nothing most of the time#the only strong feeling i felt throughout the quest was annoyance (cough mainly bc of citlali cough)#dude even the fake sky part felt underwhelming#i dont like how they brought it up out of nowhere and then barely adressed it#“anomaly” ok. ig. so what was all that buildup abt the fake sky for. only to show it and then shove it under the rug#i have more thoughts but tumblrs going to eat my tags to tl;dr: (furina voice) BOOOOOORING
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🌙 loot drop // 2025 reading shelf LFG
★ a history of the world in 100 objects by neil macgregor (what it says on the tin. stories abt old relics to modern inventions) ★ anime: a history by jonathan clements (last year's revised edition w new chapters on 21st century market shifts nd trends :3) ★ anti-story: an anthology of experimental fiction edited by philip stevick (niche creative writing content i like weird things) ★ design your own anime and manga characters by tb choi (lighter fare for studies than drawing form & pose which i recc to everybody but could murder a man) ★ fly by night by frances hardinge (i feel like elise sleeper agented this into my list years ago. excited to find out why) ★ i contain multitudes by ed yong (microbiology nerd shit) ★ lapsing into a comma by bill walsh (impeccable title. more writer nerd shit abt grammar and punctuation rules and violations) ★ leviathan wakes by james s.a. corey (the expanse source novels!!) ★ the elements of eloquence by mark forsyth (literary devices enjoyer gang) ★ the monstrumologist by rick yancey (body horror. high hopes) ★ the poppy war by r.f. kuang (long recc'd to me cn historical fiction) ★ understanding english-german contrasts by ekkehard könig & volker gast (translation nerd shit from my master classes) ★ why nations fail by daron acemoğlu & james a. robinson (famous acclaimed etc. finally reading it)
#i am SUCH a nonfiction enjoyer these days it's annoying. i miss fantasy books i wish i knew how to find another deepgate#if youve read any of these and they sucked i dont wanna know#however if you eyes emoji @ me abt one of them they WILL move up my list immediately :3#elia txts#bookblogging#CURRENTLY im still reading fragile threads of power by v.e. schwab aka shades of magic round 4#im stepping thru it like a minefield bc i want content abt holland but also if there is more holland content i will probably hate it#<ask me abt my complicated feelings abt unnecessary sequels#but also like. holland renaissance to round out 2024 wld fix me. yknow. if you Know.#also my partner has been liveblogging his gtn journey to me so im going thru that again too. lol
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you’ve probably already read it before, but the poem Party by Kim Addonizio really got me tonight. first thought was “oh man. yeah” and then my second thought was “how can i make this about my hockey guys somehow………..”anyway! have a good one!
oh. oh.
#don’t think i’ve read this kim addonizio poem and it just blindsided me like a truck thank you so much#i. oh god. like yeah.#pour me shitfaced into your car i feel like you own a comforter extremely dysfunctional only in surface details like which person was the#black hole and the distant spark in space that might’ve been a star there’s something too with unrelenting mist / many-headed mist / missed#who knew mis(t)/sed had undone so many. while you keep an eye on the burner here’s hoping this flame doesn’t go out#the flame as in the spark as in don’t let me have pinned my hopes on you to watch it burn out again but also me. like please let me not go#and i think there’s something there too with the repetitive ‘i have just met you’ and i already love you that reminds me both of a story#colman domingo told abt meeting his partner i cry everytime i hear it right when he says ‘i think i love u &you’re about to change my life’#and i KNOW there’s another poem. and i feel like it maybe has a dog and it talks about how they don’t even know you but they love you#OH IT’S ALSO. OH MY GOD THAT’S IT. i mean not exactly so maybe i have read this before & it’s what has been haunting me for so long but#the opening line to tim seibles naïve is ‘i love you but i don’t know you’ - mennonite woman#the odds of that dog poem being a carl phillips poem is non-zero btw. his poems about dogs make me see shrimp colors (bertuzzi thesis)#ANYWAY. agreed. this is incredibly hockey and incredibly hurtful because they DO bond like this in 0.0001 seconds because if you can’t#you’re fucked. you have to just find somebody and fall in love with them and it’s the salmon and the triple cream brie like they got taken#out to some fancy meet the donors team night in their suits and one of them is dealing with a heartbreak and a trade and are the things#they think true or are they just missing what the used to have. jamie who used to empty and refill the ice tray YES sorry i have been a#little bit thinking that about the trevor dealing so poorly with the breakup and i wish i had another narrative (which i do) but it fits#trade deadline tragedy#and also the formation of a codependent rookies like. two guys that get drafted and brought up together and suddenly they’re doing#everything together and it’s your first time in the big show and none of your old college friends understand because they’re not there#and you can’t get it. like you think you know but they can’t understand and the loneliness and it IS guys taking care of each other#(alexa play harriet by hey rosetta! but specifically the bridge) and it’s just. i just!!! trying to fill up the missing pieces of your life#like i cannot convey WHOMST i am trying to pin this narrative to this is going to rotate for a long while i think#because it’s not a wild i fell in love with you at first sight it’s a you were kind to me when i was broken. and i love you for that.#like who is FALLING APART &happens to fall into someone else’s arms. purely for the partygirl aspect the devil (old hrpf) says ‘13 bennguin#who among us hasn’t fallen mildly briefly brilliantly in love with a stranger and imagined a future where you get everything you want#sometimes we love people for who they are and sometimes we love them for what we’re not and sometimes for who we think they’ll be#this was a very long way to say thank you for sharing <3 i will also be making this about my hockey guys <3#OH MY GOD IT’S DPAIRS. WHO’S BEEN THROUGH SEVERAL DPAIRS#nonny <3
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Wish i knew any fat people who had a mastectomy to talk to about it
I feel like the only people i know who had top surgery are skinny or average and cant help me with my worries/questions at all
#i especially wish i knew any fat people who went to the specific surgeon i plan to go to#does she also say the patients need to lose weight first? how do i find that out??#i dont want to lose weight because im worried ill get into unhealthy mindest about it again and i also think its stupid#but i dont think theres that many surgeons in switzerland that i could just find go to someone who doesnt care (and shes the best apparently#oh i hate this so much#ill try to ask when i make an appointment but i doubt ill get the chance to talk to her directly#my weight is such a complicted topic for me anyway i dont know how i would deal woth the surgeon telling me to lose weight as well#im fighting so hard to like myself the way i am and this is fucking me up so much#can you tell im having a shit day#mine#delete later
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screaming myself hoarse til I pass out we were together during a very tumultuous time in our lives I will always have your back and be curious about you about your career your whereabouts!!!
#not about j we're good - about the friend who i haven't shut up about in the 14 years i've been on the hellsite#the fun part is that i know his forever career and his forever whereabouts and it will break my heart into shards for the rest of my life!#and goddamnit we weren't romantically together but instead together as part of a weirdly codependent friend group of four and we were#near identically weird and fucked up emotionally and in our humor and how we spoke and how we meshed and i will NEVER fucking get over it!!#i'm still agog that i sent you a last chance hail mary sort of letter like the lyrics in this song about how i think about you often and#have always believed in you and been rooting for you like all the rest of us who knew you before things got really bad because you were and#are such a fucking incredible person and musician and friend and so smart and creative and LOVABLE! i said that in the letter without#realizing alanis said that in one of THE best lost love songs of all goddamn time!#i wish i could tell you one more time - right now today immediately or better yet five years ago - how i have always loved and admired you#and everything about you. even now. all the way out here in iowa i am still loving you with everything i have in me every single day#knowing i will never speak to or see you again [i think about you all the time but i don't need the same] and i finally started to admit#that to myself and my friends and my therapist in 2021 and i'm more at peace with it than i ever was or thought i could be in 2019 and 2020#but i know it's gonna take my whole lifetime to get a grip on it and accept it. and it'll stop hurting one of these days. i know it will#i don't think i've ever loved a friend as much as I loved you. i think you were the best friend i've ever had#and that's one of the nastiest parts of it - we were good friends and you did seem to like me plenty#but i think i was the w-h-auden_morelovingone.txt by a mile. i was a weird obsessed stage 10 clinger.#and that's surely a large part of the dwelling and the fixation. if things had been more equal then maybe it'd be very different now.#guess i'll die because i sure ain't finding out!!#HELLO LOVES HAVE SOME RICH NUTRITIOUS ANNIE LORE ON THIS FINE FREEZING COLD SUNDAY AFTERNOON!#love letters
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How do I say “you’re fine but i would be happier if we just didn’t talk anymore” to my mom in a way that doesnt feel cruel
#I already tried once and it felt bad so i reached out to talk again but the truth is i just feel bad about being her first born#and not wanting to talk to her#she’s like find or whatever so its hard to find a reason to cut contact#grasping at straws here#the stress comes from causing her stress if i knew she would be fine i could just do it#i wish she was more bigoted so i could just use that to leave#how do i tell this woman The Truth about How I Feel without coming across as heartless#‘im more annoyed by you saying you love and miss me’#i can’t even bring myself to lie and say that i miss her so i just play up the ‘ilu2’#this is the most annoying shit in the world i wish her love was conditional i wish she would forget i exist so i could just get on with lif#the amount of times ive had to stop myself from saying ‘i think we’d both be happier if we just stopped talking’ could buy me something#me not cutting off my mom and the rest of my family is more about how i think they would feel#rather than how i know id feel#which is ambivelant#it’s similar to like when you hang out with someone once and you just never talk again#that’s how it would feel to me if we just stopped taking forever
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"we don't follow the main stream media cuz we're Gods children. We aren't sheep." bitch you're still a fucking sheep you just follow someone else.
#just having one of those days lol#freshie txt#re thinking how ive been raised and taught again#do you realise how long it took me to get rid of my inner homophobia/#transphobia cuz of what my mother fucking taught me??#4 fucking years#and that was when i started school learned what it was met all my queer friends and realised I TOO WAS QUEER#the fucking catholics claiming they *arent sheep* cuz they dont listen to other people when they themselves believe in a fucking 2000yo book#that has literallly no meaning or worth in the modern world#the world fucking changes what dont you get???#and i highly doubt ur precious fucking god would be concerned about people being happy with each other#hes probs more concerned about dipshits like u who think theyre oH sO gReAt aNd hUmBLe#ur literally like the assholes in the old testament that went to the temple and bragged about themselves#literally every catholic i met (except for a few) only cared about themselves#i KNO there are good Catholics and christians out therr but jfc theyre fucking hard to find#i only kno 1 who is Catholic/christian and is supportive of the lgbtq community and guess what??#shes ONLINE#honestly kinda wish i knew her irl so i could give her a hug#sorry for the vent /rant#vent
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While we're listening to Native voices I got two things to say.
1. I'm too chicken shit to add onto this without it going in the tags so if you actually care read my tags if you want to know my thoughts on this because yeah I have things to say and...
2. PLEASE REMEMBER THAT HOYOVERSE OPENLY AND KNOWINGLY MOCKED NATIVE PEOPLE AND OUR CULTURE AND ADMITTED TO IT OPENLY. Thank you that is all.
this post sucks so bad massachusetts takes its name from the indigenous massachusett people who were genocided and whose land was stolen and that would be obvious if you would think for a single second and look up the etymology before posting. mocking a native language that was eradicated for centuries and is only now beginning to be revived is not fucking funny it is ignorant and racist and cruel
#listen as someone who grew up facing real Native racism my whole life because you know#I'm Native... like I get it and I agree with you but you also need to understand that no one here is mocking Native names and language#it's not racist to find something funny when you have no clue how of why it relates to a race or people or culture#you shouldn't be accused of mockery of something you didn't know. That's ignorance but not intentional ignorance#as an actual Native person I never begrudge someone for finding something like this silly.#there are much MUCH bigger problems and trust me when I say the majority of Native people I know find this shit funny#I'm glad you're willing to stick up for us but at the same time#I wish you were this passionate about the actually harmful stuff people don't enjoy talking about#this isn't racist it's just not informed#I refuse to call someone cruel for not knowing the history of something#when there are people actively raping; killing; and sterilizing Native women and the US government won't prosecute them#not when things like Blood Quantum threaten our people with the ultimatum of inbreeding or being genocided and erased#not when our land is continued to be taken from us with military force and no one bats an eye.#This is not racism this is a poorly informed joke that the individual making the joke likely didn't know was Native to begin with#you can't just call them cruel and racist and shit without knowing how they'd react should they be made aware.#again I appreciate that you're trying to fight for our people that means a lot because most people think we're dead already#but while I agree there is nothing funny about mocking Native people our languages and our culture#Genshin did that shit knowingly and no one cares#this dude probably didn't mean anything harmful by it#not saying it's okay if they knew just saying there is such a thing as an honest mistake#honest mistakes aren't cruel and racist and wrong they're honest mistakes and the individuals who make them typically correct their behavior#especially when shown understanding and kindness not shaming and hate
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Why does it feel a bit physically painful to only do Dragan’s friendship route (I’m setting up a slot for the new guy rn; hopefully he’s not evil).
#rc spoilers#athwtu spoilers#rc dragan#now knowing Lada’s perception of him at the start of the story#if she’s not in-love with him it makes sense she like. doesn’t want to wear his pendant to the celebration.#but I wish we could get the friendship route version of wearing it even if you included male LIs.#I’m wording this badly I think but basically I once again don’t like automatically getting romantic scenes if you’re not on an F-LI-only PT#since there is a friendship version of wearing the pendant.#anyway it feels kinda pointless to not wear it and then do the dance scene asdfghjkl#I wish I knew how many romantic scenes you could do before the game recognizes you as on a characters route…#I don’t want to skip all of his only to find out the celebration dance was enough. 😒
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I hate how this is all my fault because I am the stupid fool who broke no contact and now look at me! Look at me having to prepare myself for being hurt for god knows how long!
#i hate myself for breaking no contact. im weak and stupid and laughable#i didnt even have a good reason. she called my father when i was outside with him and she was panicked because our dog was dying#so went there with him and i consoled her because she was crying and sad and my father doesnt know how to comfort people#it was a stupid thing to do. it was a childish thing to do. it wasnt even genuine of me.#but she was sad and i dont want people to be sad. i dont want her to be sad no matter how much i hate her.#i knew that my father wouldnt be able to think straight so i suppressed all my emotions to be the calm one and to organise things#and to be the one to comfort my parents. im their child and that is my duty and my role. my purpose in life whether i like it or not.#well#what a stupid mistake. i should have been someone. instead i chose to be no one. i chose to be a tool and now look at me#the tool is complaining that it doesnt have human rights.#i havent slept in several days. i cant. the thought of going there for longer than a day is keeping me awake#every time i lie down i feel my muscles vibrate. my head hurts constantly because i cant stop the thoughts#theyre racing and racing and telling me to get up and run. telling me that were in danger.#theyre constantly telling me to just bolt. to never stop until we are completely alone with nobody to hurt us.#once people are around you can only stand there and take it. you can only say 'I'm sorry. It's my fault. I'm sorry. I'll do better.'#i feel in danger all the time. i cant stop the memories i didnt know i could remember. they just keep coming back.#i wish i didnt know that they wont be just memories if i go. i have to go. it is my duty to visit my family for the holidays.#what a funny thing to say considering the right way to pronounce it would be#'it is my duty to be dehumanised; walk on eggshells; and get insulted and physically hurt'#i cant even tell if im more scared of the physical side of things or the dehumanisation or a secret third thing#the closer it gets the more hopeless i feel. i cant enter that house again. i cant see her face again.#her voice her words her insults the pain the way i would do anything for her to find me adequate#and by god i dont even know why because i hate everything she stands for.
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#struggling with communicating and friendships as an autistic person is weird#bc like you do learn things over time and try to find ways to form bonds and connect but it doesn’t always hit right#after years of my feelings getting the better of me I’ve moved to stand bavk ramble to myself and analyze#which it does help me to stare at these words go over things and figure out what my issues are and where they branch from#it’s how I self improve#even though I know it’s not at a fast enough pace#I’ve been trying to work more and more lately to form bridges and step outside of my comfort zone more and reach out which to me is huge#but to others it’s below bare minimum#which is hard as hell to read and gauge#bc sometimes you do the extra work even if you can’t properly engage and there’s no progress#that’s what folks want you do to but it doesn’t always work#it doesn’t HAVE to work of course nothing does#nothing is owed from attempts to engage and talk#but after a while or even after bursts of trying with no effort you pull back to reanalyze and figure stuff out better for a next attempt#I’m sick so much and overstimmed it makes it hard to manage constant touch ins or feedback or engagement#which no one owes me anything for that obviously#it gets to the point where I’m not really#there#even when I want to be#which means I’m not really a friend#which I’m painfully aware of and wishing I could change#and maybe I’m just blind maybe I could change it and am not pushing outside of my comfort zone enough or forcing myself to engage enough#I just don’t know where to start with that because when I try manufacturinh responses it kinda gets obvious? and I hate it#I want it to feel authentic#I want it to make others feel good#but it doesn’t#it falls flat#which again that’s on me#I just wish I knew what to do to fix these aspects of my brain#it’s partly like there’s not enough analysis and logic on my end yet I know anything I calculatewill be wrong bc my brain just doesn’t work
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KINGDOM OF ASH (by SJM)
Chapter 48
THE FAMILY REUINION🥹😆😭🫶& MY SOULLL
But when they reached Princess Hasar's battle tent, when they had all gathered around a map of Anielle, they had only a few minutes of discussion before they were interrupted. By the person Chaol least expected to walk through the flaps.
A moment later, Chaol was glad he was sitting down.
Nesryn breathed, "Holy gods."
Chaol was inclined to agree as Aelin Galathynius, Rowan Whitethorn, and several others entered the tent.
They were mud-splattered, the Queen of Terrasen's braided hair far longer than Chaol had last seen. And her eyes ... Not the soft, yet fiery gaze. But something older. Wearier.
Chaol shot to his feet. "I thought you were in Terrasen," he blurted. All the reports had confirmed it. Yet here she stood, no army in sight.
Three Fae males-towering warriors as broad and muscled as Rowan—had entered, along with a delicate, dark-haired human woman.
But Aelin was only staring at him. Staring and staring at him.
No one spoke as tears began sliding down her face. Not at his being here, Chaol realized as he took up his cane and limped toward Aelin.
But at him. Standing. Walking.
The young queen let out a broken laugh of joy and flung her arms around his neck. Pain lanced down his spine at the impact, but Chaol held her right back, every question fading from his tongue.
Aelin was shaking as she pulled away. "I knew you would," she breathed, gazing down his body, to his feet, then up again. "I knew you'd do it."
"Not alone," he said thickly. Chaol swallowed, releasing Aelin to extend an arm behind him. To the woman he knew stood there, a hand over the locket at her neck.
Perhaps Aelin would not remember, perhaps their encounter years ago had meant nothing to her at all, but Chaol drew Yrene forward. "Aelin, allow me to introduce"
"Yrene Towers," the queen breathed as his wife stepped to his side.
The two women stared at each other.
Yrene's mouth quivered as she opened the silver locket and pulled out a piece of paper. Hands trembling, she extended it to the queen. Aelin's own hands shook as she accepted the scrap.
"Thank you," Yrene whispered.
Chaol supposed it was all that really needed to be said.
Aelin unfolded the paper, reading the note she'd written, seeing the lines from the hundreds of foldings and rereadings these past few years.
"I went to the Torre," Yrene said, her voice cracking. "I took the money you gave me, and went to the Torre. And I became the heir apparent to the Healer on High. And now I have come back, to do what I can. I taught every healer I could the lessons you showed me that night, about self-defense. I didn't waste it-not a coin you gave me, or a moment of the time, the life you bought me." Tears were rolling and rolling down Yrene's face. "I didn't waste any of it."
Aelin closed her eyes, smiling through her own tears, and when she opened them, she took Yrene's shaking hands. "Now it is my turn to thank you." But Aelin's gaze fell upon the wedding band on Yrene's finger, and when she glanced to Chaol, he grinned.
"No longer Yrene Towers," Chaol said softly, "but Yrene Westfall."
Aelin let out one of those choked, joyous laughs, and Rowan stepped up to her side.
Yrene's head tilted back to take in the warrior's full height, her eyes widening-not only at Rowan's size, but at the pointed ears, the slightly elongated canines and tattoo. Aelin said, "Then let me introduce you, Lady Westfall, to my own husband, Prince Rowan Whitethorn Galathynius."
For that was indeed a wedding band on the queen's finger, the emerald mud-splattered but bright. On Rowan's own hand, a gold-and-ruby ring gleamed.
"My mate," Aelin added, fluttering her lashes at the Fae male. Rowan rolled his eyes, yet couldn't entirely contain his smile as he inclined his head to Yrene.
Yrene bowed, but Aelin snorted. "None of that, please. It'll go right to his immortal head." Her grin softened as Yrene blushed, and Aelin held up the scrap of paper. "May I keep this?" She eyed Yrene's locket. "Or does it go in there?"
Yrene folded the queen's fingers around the paper. "It is yours, as it always was. A piece of your bravery that helped me find my own."
Aelin shook her head, as if to dismiss the claim.
But Yrene squeezed Aelin's closed hand. "It gave me courage, the words you wrote. Every mile I traveled, every long hour I studied and worked, it gave me courage. I thank you for that, too."
Aelin swallowed hard, and Chaol took that as excuse enough to sit again, his back giving a grateful tinge. He said to the queen, "There is another person responsible for this army being here." He gestured to Nesryn, the woman already smiling at the queen. "The rukhin you see, the army gathered, is as much because of Nesryn as it is because of me."
A spark lit Aelin's eyes, and both women met halfway in a tight embrace. "I want to hear the entire story," Aelin said. "Every word of it." Nesryn's subdued smile widened. "So you shall. But later." Aelin clapped her on the shoulder and turned to the two royals still by the desk. Tall and regal, but as mud-splattered as the queen.
Chaol blurted, "Dorian?"
Rowan answered, "Not with us." He glanced to the royals.
"They know everything," Nesryn said
"He's with Manon," Aelin said simply.
Chaol wasn't entirely sure whether to be relieved. "Hunting for something important."
The keys. Holy gods.
Aelin nodded. Later. He'd think on where Dorian might now be later. Aelin nodded again. The full story would come then too.
Nesryn said, "May I present Princess Hasar and Prince Sartaq."
Aelin bowed—low. "You have my eternal gratitude," Aelin said, and the voice that came out of her was indeed that of a queen. Any shock Sartaq and Hasar had shown upon the queen bowing so low was hidden as they bowed back, the portrait of courtly grace.
"My father," Sartaq said, "remained in the khaganate to oversee our lands, along with our siblings Duva and Arghun. But my brother Kashin sails with the rest of the army. He was not two weeks behind us when we left."
Aelin glanced to Chaol, and he nodded.
Something glittered in her eyes at the confirmation, but the queen jerked her chin at Hasar. "Did you get my letter?"
The letter that Aelin had sent months ago, begging for aid and promising only a better world in return. Hasar picked at her nails. "Perhaps. I get far too many letters from fellow princesses these days to possibly remember or answer all of them."
Aelin smirked, as if the two of them spoke a language no one else could understand, a special code between two equally arrogant and proud women. But she motioned to her companions, who stepped forward. "Allow me to introduce my friends. Lord Gavriel, of Doranelle." A nod toward the tawny-eyed and golden-haired warrior who bowed.
Tattoos covered his neck, his hands, but his every motion was graceful. "My uncle, of sorts," Aelin added with a smirk at Gavriel. At Chaol's narrowed brows, she explained, "He's Aedion's father."
"Well, that explains a few things," Nesryn muttered.
The hair, the broad-planed face ... yes, it was the same. But where Aedion was fire, Gavriel seemed to be stone. Indeed, his eyes were solemn as he said, "Aedion is my pride." Emotion rippled over Aelin's face, but she gestured to the dark-haired male. Not someone Chaol ever wanted to tangle with, he decided as he surveyed the granite-hewn features, the black eyes and unsmiling mouth.
"Lorcan Salvaterre, formerly of Doranelle, and now a blood-sworn member of my court." As if that weren't a shock enough, Aelin winked at the imposing male. Lorcan scowled. "We're still in the adjustment period," she loudly whispered, and Yrene chuckled.
Lorcan Salvaterre. Chaol hadn't met the male this spring in Rifthold, but he'd heard all about him. That he'd been Maeve's most trusted commander, her most loyal and fierce warrior.
That he'd wanted to kill Aelin, hated Aelin.
How this had come about, why she was not in Terrasen with her army ... "You, too, have a tale to tell," Chaol said.
"Indeed I do." Aelin's eyes guttered, and Rowan put a hand on her lower back. Bad— something terrible had occurred. Chaol scanned Aelin for any hint of it. He stopped when he noticed the smoothness of the skin at her neck. The lack of scars. The missing scars on her hands, her palms. "Later," Aelin said softly. She straightened her shoulders, and another golden-haired male came forward. Beautiful. That was the only way to describe him. "Fenrys ... You know, I don't actually know your family name."
Fenrys threw a roguish wink at the queen.
"Moonbeam."
"It is not," Aelin hissed, choking on a laugh.
Fenrys laid a hand on his heart. "I am blood-sworn to you. Would I lie?"
Another blood-sworn Fae male in her court.
Across the tent, Sartaq cursed in his own tongue. As if he'd heard of Lorcan, and Gavriel, and Fenrys.
Aelin gave Fenrys a vulgar gesture that set Hasar chuckling, and faced the royals. "They're barely housebroken. Hardly fit for your fine company." Even Sartaq smiled at that. But it was to the small, delicate woman that Aelin now gestured. "And the only civilized member of my court, Lady Elide Lochan of Perranth." Perranth. Chaol had combed through the family trees of Terrasen just this winter, had seen the lists of so many royal households crossed out, victim to the conquest ten years ago.
Elide's name had been among them.
Another Terrasen royal who had managed to evade Adarlan's butchers.
The pretty young woman took a limping step forward, and bobbed a curtsy to the royals. Her boots concealed any sign of the source of the injury, but Yrene's attention shot right to her leg. Her ankle. "It's an honor to meet all of you," Elide said, her voice low and steady. Her dark eyes swept over them, cunning and clear. Like she could see beneath their skin and bones, to the souls beneath.
Aelin wiped her hands. "Well, that's over and done with," she announced, and strode to the desk and map. "Shall we discuss where you all plan to march once we beat the living shit out of this army?"
#NO SPOILERS PLEASE (though warning for the chapter in post & tags) this is my first read along with me & more reacts in tags etc#Chaorene Rowaelin Elorcan MOONBEAM this chapter has EVERYTHING so it needed its own post mark-if only it had Dorian than it would be PERFECT#A PROPER MAASVERSE REUINION-FULL CIRCLE-& me squealing in wivern happy in sappy like🥹 crying giggling & kicking my feet in excitement#Aelin Sardothien&HER CADRE/Court; her calling them all that — MOONBEAM finally lol how has this not come up or Lorcan tease or Rowan cheerin#she really nails these scenes-break my heart make my day-like QoS but ow&healingX100-my bbs are happy-TAB REFS-THE DYNAMICS-the wives meet!#Ivory horsehair for times of peace; the Ebony for times of war. — significance in tiny details-It was holy-the gold couch lol-SHES PREGGERS#To sit down even for a few minutes would be a blessed relief. — the difference from TOD - lol only Hasar could get interior design rn#to be the first piece of furniture in the home he'd build for his wife. For the child she carried.—shewastheoneheleastexpectedtoseeomg#holding hands even in blood-the ruler but wished to know-close to disaster-flood?that’s bad for fire/maybe she can steam-HOLY GODS INDEED#a moment later Chaol was glad he was sitting-as Aelin Galathynius Rowan Whitethorn and several others entered. Mud splattered. Too long hair#And her eyes ... Not the soft yet fiery gaze. But something older. Wearier.-the young queens gaze again-but a queen nonetheless-HE STOOD#Not at his being here as he took up his cane and limped toward Aelin But him Standing Walking-my soul needed this back-the core tale trio#The young queen let out a broken laugh of joy-broken but still joy-and flung her arms around his neck-the fact she wanted to hug him—#the ache & healing they both felt-but Chaol held her right back every question fading from his tongue.-Fire lance?-she’s shaking again#The way she gives him belief-then there she is-she remembered-her core-no one does anything alone-to say I’m happy for you & mean it vibes#hand over the locket-Yrene Towers the queen breathed as his wife stepped 2 his side The women stared at eachother-YRENE WESTFALL-notCelaena#I knew youd do it-goes both ways-Thank you-those words in this book-it was all that really needed to be said-smiling through tears#Aelin closed her eyes smiling through her own tears and when she opened them she took Yrene's shaking hands-choked joyous laughs-MY SOUL#Rowan stepped up to her side-Aelin said Lady Westfall my husband Prince Rowan Whitethorn Galathynius-the my wife we deserved#emerald mud-splattered but bright-she sure got those emeralds dropping hints literally in EoS-pine green-Nesryn Aelin friendship core#My mate Aelin added fluttering her lashes Rowan rolled his eyes yet couldn't entirely contain his smile-next quote why I luv books/TOG#May I keep this?She eyed the locket.Or does it go in there?Its yours as it always was.A piece of ur bravery that helped me find my own#It gave me courage the words you wrote. Every mile I traveled every long hour I studied and worked it gave me courage. I thank you#A spark lit Aelins eyes&both women met halfway in a tight embrace I want to hear the entire story Aelin said Every word of it#They know everything-Ok WELL MANON lol-The keys Holy gods-the story would come then too-true queen-she bowed for them#the voice that came out of her was indeed that of a queen-THEY BOWED BACK-the portrait of courtly grace lol-the letter worked well#Aelin smirked as if the2of them spoke a language no one else could understand 2equally arrogant&proud women-hell yes I needed them#My friends-uncleLOL-my pride-AelinswinkLorcylol-how had this come about?-guttered-Rowan put a hand on her lower back Bad#gestureHasar😂-only civilized Lady Elides name had been crossed out-the1sthat escaped-CunningClear-she could see beneath to the soul#I am sworn2uWould I lie-cursedAs if he'd heard of LorcanGavrielFenrys-where to march once we beat the living shit out of this army-Vher
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Ennies Lobby 3.0. yes that's happening I have too much to yap about
Omg look at these freaks
Franky is so real.... look at him....
Omg 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 I have teared up so many times just bc luffy smiles with meaning at some point. insane btw.
MY GOOOOOOOD!!!!!! AAAAAAARGGGGGHHHHH
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
The neutrality of it all....
I forgor about aokiji revealing that he was friends with Saul and that he was protecting her because of it... the "live life and prove to me that ohara is still alive"... damn reminds me of garp saying to ace that he would find out if it was wrong for him to be born. "I don't know if it was right or wrong for saul to let you live" yeah that's it. But anyways all this happened because aokiji was loyal to his friend and now we know that he didn't even kill him!! So why is he with blackbeard?? I can't shake it!!!
I can't do it.... I can't.....
Luffy and franky talking about how mich they like the ship while he's chasing his speedos bottomless through the city 😭😭 it's so sweet actually... Franky only has one pair of speedos... thats why he ran thru the city to get them I get it now
"If you don't mind being a little rough I'm wiling to help" robin you freaky girl. But truly that is one of many robin and luffy's autistic communication moments they just know. Also if robin stopped crushing his balls but everyone could see the hands being there that means that she was just holding them for a while while he wept. Normal things here.
Franky blaming himself all this time... 🥺🥺
And he just takes his trunks and walks to the ship without putting them on akdjaosnso alpha moment while saying a melancholic goodbye to your family... crazy
What.... what is he doing
Luffy's fake ass laughing and saying how usopp will do great on his own.... I am seeing you cold sweat
This shit has always been so funny to me.... luffy definitely suffers from nepotism
Usopp asking if they don't know he's sniper king skdbjs no, they (luffy) don't know akdjaons
Look at these wet little beasts omg. Matching icons akdhaksjks
DADAN MENTION????? IN THE ACE VS BLACKBEARD CHAPTER????? AAAAAAAAHHHHH
Face card and pose unmatched as of yet. Look at the evidence.
I am killing myself now. Goodbye.
But I'm already dead!! Yohohoho... Anyways water seven and enies lobby is done.... I am scared (thriller bark) of what is coming you have no idea. Also!! Luffy nearly dying after hia battle with lucci starts the domino effect of luffy being barely strong enough to save everyone until it climaxes in sabaody and then culminates in marineford which is crazy to me btw. Luffy's evolution until then is about how no matter how strong he is it would never be enough. Insane. I don't know what else to say. I love you robin and franky. ACE STOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP. nvm it's too late already. AAAAAHHHHHH
#kokoro teling robin how he didnt believe luffy at first but now he does and robon just laughing... thats a luffy believer now#zoro just saying to luffy to beat lucci and then fucking off with his head down is so good HE IS SO REPRESSED he is so scared deep down IK#why is the guy who rots swords so sultry... with that mouth covering.... so mysterious.... this is a metaphor for zoros swords as homosexua#usopp unmasked and i am crying again... reading the manga has made me cry more than the anime I AM SURE!! it is witchcraft#usopp just telling luffy to stop lying there like a dead man bc its not like him...THE FACT THAT IT IS TRUE AND THAT IF HE DOESNT GET UP#HE WILL LOSE EVERYTHING AND NOT JUST HIS LIFE. BECAUSE IF LUFFY IS NOT STRONG ENOUGH HE LOSES EVERYTHING. SICK AND TWISTED#franky and zoro are so inch resting bc they are both so masculine but zoro represses his feelings a lot and franky does the opposite...#luffy being so scared about not being able to move... when i first saw this i was SO WORRIED like wdym you cant move were all dying (me too#i knew what was going to happen woth the merry but damn didnt that first time hit... after all the anguish with luffy being immobilized#usopp not getting a reaction panel when luffy begs iceburg to fix the merry.... criminal#the volume starts with garp saying who luffys father is and ends with ace fighting blackbeard.... christ#garp knowing luffy met his father means dragon told him?? or did smoker know who luffy and dragon were??? also luffy looks so cute this ep#luffy apologising to merry... i thought i could resist.... luffy crying got to me but omg the volume 45 cover.... ACEEEEE!!! ACE GO BAAACK!#luffy asking robin what is going on with his father because she knows about current affairs :))) the first of many#nami wiretapping luffys conversation with koby is so smart she knew luffy would find out something but would say fuck all bc he doesn't car#WHITEBEARD GOT HIS SCARS FROM THE SAME GUY WHO SCARRED SHANKS??? ✍️✍️#There is so much omg. The buggy past mention. Shanks coming from the west blue and his duel with mihawk...#Whitebeard saying “If you don't have any regrets then that's fine” you know who didn't want to die having any regrets? 🥺🥺🥺#OH IT WAS BLACKBEARD??? WHY DID HE FIGHT HIM??? THE THREE LINES!!!#Whitebeard saying vengeance is what he wants when he tried to stop ace....#not even defending him just proclaiming ace's wishes as his own... I can't....#Ace saying blackbeard's sniper has no manners.... the lore. Also ace just looks so good all the time...#I'm scrolling up and down just seeing him over again afjakdhsk (<- the madness begins)#Luffy having a zoan fruit that looks like a paramecia now scares me because balckbeards logia functions like a paramecia.#Is something weird going on with his one too??? Is his a zoan too??#anyways water 7 enies lobby over. i survived. i cried i wept i feared for ace's life. truly has it all#now to have some fun adventures until Zoro gets consumed by luffy's pain and nearly dies and luffy learns ace's life is in danger!!!! CHRIS#AND THEN ANOTHER FUN SLAVERY STORY!!! WITH MERMAIDS!!! AND KUMA AGAIN!!! GOD!!!! IT IS SO BAD FOR ME NOW#reading one piece#enies lobby
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