#this is the most annoying shit in the world i wish her love was conditional i wish she would forget i exist so i could just get on with lif

[trannykong]

How do I say “you’re fine but i would be happier if we just didn’t talk anymore” to my mom in a way that doesnt feel cruel

[rainbow-femme]

I am absolutely loving the SJM posts! I have never been able to get into her books despite trying every series (I have Crescent City currently checked out from the library). Her characters are just.... Such shit people and I can't care about them 😭

My personal feeling about SJM is she’s good at writing dark sexy wish fulfillment, but she also wants to write regular fantasy adventure, so you get things like 365 Days but in a setting where there are real world morals and we’re told the main characters are genuinely very good people

Like the set up of Feyre and Rhysand with the Hewn City. You’re married to the hottest and most powerful high lord and also you’re hot and powerful and he rules over a court of monsters and you now rule over those monsters too? Sexy. It’s then established that a main character grew up there and actually it’s not all monsters and there are innocent people living under terrible conditions and the main characters react by going “Eat shit and die, fuckers 😜” when the people want to leave and also make it so even if those people get out the one safe city by law has to refuse them service? Suddenly much less sexy.

Hot foreplay in a fantasy library? Sexy. Establishing that everyone who works there suffered sexual assault and then having that hot foreplay near them? Less sexy.

Becoming super bad ass and powerful and taking down your ex? Sexy. Establishing that said take down resulted in the deaths of thousands of innocent people and the entire time said ex was actually working under cover in a way that ended up saving countless lives by helping the war? Less sexy.

I feel like you can have dark fantasy and dark fantasy morals, and you can have main characters that do bad things, but when you include those things but then constantly be like “look how great and wonderful they are!” Then it’s like ok well now I’m just annoyed

If they did the same stuff but there wasn’t a constant attempt to tell us they’re all actually pure moral softboys and the books just were like “yup they’re assholes!” then I would have fun because I love stories about assholes who fight other assholes and they all suck. The Maltese Falcon is one of my favorite movies for that reasons, every character is the fucking worst and sometimes they work together and sometimes against each other and they all have different backgrounds and skills and that’s fun!

Or even just an Oceans 11 take where it’s like are they criminals/assholes? Yes. Are they doing this for selfish gain? Yes. Are they doing this for petty revenge? Yes. Are they very charismatic and fun to watch? Also yes, which is why people love it and love the characters

I also am someone who loves world building and hers has a lot of cool ideas but she paints herself into corners constantly because of the need to have both sexy wish fulfillment and engaging plots outside of the sexiness

Again it’s sexy to make all your main characters the most powerful people in the history of ever, but then there’s no tension if they can just easily solve every problem, so these supposedly super powerful people get their shit absolutely wrecked constantly because they’re only powerful when it’s not plot relevant

“Azriel and Cassian have way more power gemstones than any other Illyrian, meaning they’re so much more powerful than even the most powerful warriors” Ok cool so why do they get bodied every time they’re in a fight

It falls under the same umbrella as the House of Night books where you have a great world set up and then it’s full of powerful asshole main characters who the book tells you every two pages are the best people ever. Although SJM is miles better than P.C. Cast and ACOTAR is miles better than House of Night

[imapeanut]

I just wanted to post the latest chapter of my book here. I haven't posted in awhile.

Tw: Abuse, Transphobia of some sorts, family problems, some sort of neglect. Talk about private parts and addiction to drugs and alcohol. Death mentioned and acknowledged. Nightmare.

"You fucking brat!"

I got bashed on the head again with that same bottle, the one that was already covered in my blood and tears. I kept crying, and I hated it. There were glass shards in my face and mouth, I might have swallowed some, but I was too focused on trying not to cry. If my father sees it, he might decide to hit me harder.

"Were trying to help you Olivia, to make you our special girl again. Your dad just has a... Special way of showing what you did wrong."

Bullshit, all I did was drop a mug on the floor. And my minupuitive mother, alcoholic and drug filled father, and my oblivious sister had to hear it.

"Are you paying any attention or are you lost in your own world again, F__?!"

Shit, I spaced out too long. I have a habit of doing that. Is it because of getting hit with things that are making my memory bad? Makes sense on how I'm getting B's and A's all the time-

I let out a small yelp at the contact the broken bottle made. This time it was my chest. Blood started slowly staining my shirt from where the bottle made contact. It hurt, so, so much. Suddenly, mother somewhat rescued me from father.

"Robert! Don't stain her outfit! You'll get it all bloody!"

She then looked at me.

"Go take a shower, and then give me all your blankets and pillows for this mess you made, You'll get them back when we tell them you can have them back. And remember, Mommy loves you!"

I wasn't paying attention to that last sentence. She doesn't love me, a real mom would save me from their alcoholic husband. A real mom would actually care about their children. She does athis for the image. That we're an actually sweet, kind, loving family who has two daughters and a lavish mansion. The mansion part, yes. The two daughters and 'loving' part, absolutely not. I hate it, that I have to be called a girl when I don't want to be. Having to live this lie about being the perfect family while all I want to do is expose them for who they really are. It would be nice to see their faces be shocked and embarrassed. Watching them slowly but surely lose there sanity from there image being shattered and being sent to prison for there crimes. But it's too risky. And there's no point in trying. I don't even have a phone.

I start to get ready for my shower, I take off my clothes and start the water for it to get warm. I then throw my washcloth in there so it can get somewhat wet and put my towel on the toilet seat. But before I get in I look at myself in the mirror.

I look at my breasts. I hate them, I wish I can just insert a syringe into them and suck out all the fat and tissue out of them. I look down at my vagina. I wish it wasn't there. I wish it didn't smell and I hate to have blood gushing out of it for five days at least. Everything is wrong, everything is either filled with cuts and picked off scabs. I know I shouldn't pick them off, but the bumps and scabs annoy me so much.

I step into the shower and fully relax. It's my only safe space at this point. While other than my room that I share with Vivvie, which I still don't get because there's more then seven bedrooms in this mansion. But I rather not think about it. I'd rather focus about the shower.

The water runs down my skin, rinsing most of the dried up blood away into the drain it feels so satisfying but horrifying to watch. I then get to scrubbing, my armpits, my feet, my vagina. Everything from head to toe. As well as shampoo and condition my hair. Then I sit for awhile longer, enjoying the warm water on my body. It makes me feel safe.

I get out and dry off. Making sure not to miss a speck of water that would might get on the floor. The air is cold, they always have it under 40° in the house. It's why I always wear turtlenecks. To make it seem warmer then it actually is.

I look at the mirror again, the cuts seemed to not stop bleeding but they would dry soon. They always do. I then went out in the hallway again. This time I looked at the pictures. One of them was my parents, looking professional and hot expressing any emotion. Another had me on my sixth birthday. I was blowing out my candles while everyone was clapping around me. I can't even remember the last time I had a birthday party that was actually me enjoying myself rather then 'looking good' for views and likes.

The last picture before my room was all four of us, all of us were smiling for a family photo. I had Vivvie on my lap, father had his hand on mother's shoulder, and mother wrapped her arm around father. We all looked happy.

Oh, how I wish it was a genuine picture.

As soon as we got to the car after the picture, mother started yelling at me about not smiling big enough and it ended up with me being starved for at least a week. My parents before the photo made me wear a dress and told me that I would have to sleep on the floor for a month if I refused. So I had no choice in the end.

No one is really friendly in this house. Hell, even I have secrets that are hidden behind locked gates.

I make it to my bedroom, Vivvie is currently drawing in one of the multiple coloring books that our parents gave her. She's so spoiled.

"Hi big brother!" She says as soon as she sees me getting dressed into pajamas.

"Hey, Viv."

"What's wrong?"

"Oh, nothing."

She stood up and faced me with her hands on her hips.

"I see the boo-boos, let me bandage them up for you!"

"No-"

"I'll start crying if you refuse."

"Okay, okay! I'll let you."

"Yay! Now get on the bed."

The next few moments were Vivvie putting various Hello Kitty and Pokémon bandages on my face to hide the scars and cuts away.

When she was about to start with my arms, I felt a hand choking me by the neck.

"This isn't real."

"Wha-What?"

I looked up at her. Her whole body was a silhouette with hyper realistic eyes and a blood red cut around her neck, we were both in darkness, and now there was no bed or anything. Just eerie silence and my attempts at breathing echoing around the dark.

"You saw me dead. At the school not even a week ago."

I was trying to remain conscious enough to listen. But with her choking me it was hard to do.

"You know, you could have saved me. If you didn't meet a certain someone again."

I can't... Hold on for any longer...

"Time to wake up brother, I'll see you soon."

...

"AH-"

Oh, it was a dream.

I clinged onto my pillow and curled up into a ball, letting my tears spill out onto the fabric. My stuffed raccoon was on my lap, I bounced it and pet it like a baby to calm me down. My breathing was a mess.

"V-Vivvie, I miss you s-so much..."

(Word Count: 1,282 (Holy Shit))

Full story (not really) on my wattpad account!

[king-crane]

He takes his sweet time.

It’s a specialty of his, truly, to be able to annoy so many people so effortlessly. Each guard they pass, he chats about the weather, about the news, or, in the case of Officer Edwards, who had beaten Crane with a shock baton last Monday, he reminded him of his wife (and mistress), both of whom would have been easy pickings.

The front desk is when he dons his best shit eating grin, his restraints finally fully undone. Rubbing at his wrists, he strolls towards the clerk at the desk, humming a tune even as he receives the world’s most brutal stink eye.

“Greetings — you see this upstanding superhero back here?” He gestured towards Arden. “She is taking full custody and responsibility of me and my actions. We’re going to hunt down a criminal!” He wondered if there was enough mock enthusiasm in his voice before he continued. “To do so, I will need my equipment back. All of it. Everything you took from me.”

If looks could kill, he was certain the look he was given right now would do so, but Arkham certainly did love to hire obedient lapdogs, so there was nothing the clerk could do but comply.

Ten minutes later, Jonathan Crane had donned his costume, trudging out into the rain alongside Arden. His sickle blade hung at his side, while Phobos and Deimos rested comfortably upon his hands. His barebones respirator had been switched out for a much more advanced model, and covered up with a gas mask and burlap sack for good measure. The straw hat and poncho did well to hide his form, and as he finally stood at his full height, it became evident quite quickly just how such a sickly man could be so intimidating.

“I have quite the cache of medication back at my farm — where we WILL be stopping, so that I may check that my pets have been properly cared for while I’m away. If not, I will be giving Harley a stern talking to. I will also need to grab my reserves if we’re going all the way across the fucking country. I have no allergies, unless you count an allergy to stupidity. You will address me as Professor Crane, if you wish for me to remain cognizant of your presence, and you will only address me as Scarecrow if you fear I am too far gone, and that he is present.”

He leaned forward, his face inches from Arden’s as he surveyed her.

“And lastly, we are not flying all the way to the West Coast. Do you have a plan for this Khemist fellow? He can create any chemicals he damn well pleases, and given his arrival in Gotham’s underworld, he likely has more allies than either of us know. We need a plan. We need reliable transport. And you need energy and a clear head. We will be traveling in my truck — plenty of room for food, water, supplies, and perfectly inconspicuous.”

“Believe me when I say my conditions are crucial to success. I’m not saying this to hear myself speak, nor to annoy you. I could annoy you in any number of other ways. If you respect these conditions, then I have no objections to following the rest of your orders.”

Hesitantly, he stretched out one of his gloved, serrated hands to shake. After a moment’s pause, he took the glove off, leaving bare flesh for a sign of trust.

I Think an Ongoing Headache is Called a Migraine:

“If you don’t use your powers, you’ll be pretty fucking useless in a fight.” He knew it wasn’t what she meant, but it never hurt to poke fun. Well, perhaps it did when the woman in front of him was the key to him leaving this shithole.

Crane was as upright as he could be, his head snapping to look towards the guards with alarming speed. One of them jumped, and the movement was familiar enough for Crane to recognize him. His eyes narrowed, and his respirator became quieter as his breathing slowed to something calmer… gentler.

“Ernest, is that you, old friend?” His voice was warm, gentle, as though he hadn’t just been threatening to split the woman before him open. As if he hadn’t tormented the guard 10 yards away from him with every agony imaginable.

“Why, it is you! Unstrap me so I can sign this foolish woman’s papers and walk out of this miserable hellhole.” He didn’t drop the kind demeanor, even as his eyes took on a dangerous hue. “I hereby consent to have this woman as my supervisor and guardian - with all the legal trappings that implies.”

He was unstrapped in a matter of five minutes, and Crane mimicked her earlier motion, rolling his shoulders, before also cracking his neck. “Now, let’s get to business.”

    “Surprisingly, I know how to keep myself alive without my powers,” she mumbled, feeling the irony of her statement. How many times back in California had she had to fight like that? Fighting dirty as her mentor called it, but not every opponent had chivalry in battle. Steaming, her back molars clenched down. This was going to be one long forever.

     Gate after gate, guard after guard, and mountains of other paperwork, they stood outside Arkham’s gates. A chilly breeze blew white curls around. Adjusting her oversized duffel bag, it had been retrieved from the front desk on the way out. Pulling out her phone to use its maps, a finger lazily swiped around. 

      “Look, we’re going to be stuck together for however long we’re going to be stuck together and I wanna make this as painless as possible given you’re going to try to be decent. So a few things,” she started to count on her fingers, “do you have any issues with super-powered flying, do you have any allergies I need to be aware of, are there any medications you need, do we need to stop anywhere for things you might need, and finally,” No huffed, “is there any preferred name I should call you? Because frankly, I’m not going to be living in my Suit if I can help it.” 

       While going through her mental checklist, her phone had already calculated the route. “Because if all that’s settled, it’s a long way back to the West Coast.” Last she had heard anything about the Khemist, he still had one of his bases there. If only she still had access to the GCG files, it would make her life infinitely easier at the moment. She wouldn’t have had to even drag him into all of this.

[mermaidsirennikita]

ARC Review: A Merry Little Meet Cute by Julie Murphy and Sierra Simone

4/5. Releases September 20, 2022.

"Hallmark Christmas movie meets porn" is basically all I've ever asked for. I wish that every Hallmark film had an explicit sex scene or 5 focused on mutual pleasure and possibly gingerbread-scented lube. While this did not give me gingerbread lube, it did give me gingerbread lotion, and that was good enough for me.

The setup is very Hallmark itself, in a very roundabout way: Bee, otherwise known as Bianca Von Honey, is an alt porn superstar who's trying to break into mainstream film. Nolan Shaw is an ex-boy band idol who's attempting to rehabilitate his image after an incident involving a figure skater and two speed skaters in the Olympic Village years ago (every time this incident was referenced I did... lose my shit). Hence his signing on to star in Duke the Halls, a wholesome Christmas movie about a time traveler and the duke she falls in love with, during the holidays.

The issue? His co-star is unable to film at the last minute due to an accident. Fortunately (unbeknownst to Nolan) the producer of the movie also has another production company... One that gave Bee her start in the adult film industry. Bee is called up to sub in as the lead, with one condition: she must not let anyone know her Bianca identity. Well, two conditions--she also can't fuck anyone. This is a WHOLESOME CHRISTMAS MOVIE.

Second issue: Nolan immediately recognizes Bee, even if she doesn't realize it. He has been a top subscriber to her ClosedDoor account for the past six years. Six. Years. Much gingerbread lotion will be needed for this one.

This was great, basically. Was it weird for me to read a holiday book in August? Yes, but I tend to want to give myself a few weeks to finish an ARC just in case something weird comes up--and I kind of wish this one was being released closer to the holidays. While it's not OVERWHELMINGLY Christmas (if you're a bit of a Scrooge you'll still have much to enjoy) it does have that seasonal vibe, with most of the story taking place in a town that remains Christmasy all year round in order to stand as a set for Christmas TV movies. There were so many delightful elements on this front, but my favorite was most definitely the Christmas-themed stripper, Prancer.

But more on the book itself. Julie Murphy is new to me, though I've been told by teens in the know that Dumplin' is great. I have read Sierra Simone before--and this is definitely a departure for her. I believe everything I've read of Sierra's has been self-published/indie, whereas this is an Avon release. I've got to say--while it's not quite as intense as a typical Sierra book, it doesn't skimp on the sex. There's fun sex, emotional sex, sex in different positions, sex in places people shouldn't be having sex. And the concept of sex work in this book was so well-handled. Nolan never has a true issue with Bee's work as a porn star. Bee isn't ashamed of it, so much as she is shamed by the world. There are nice porn stars and annoying porn stars, asshole producers and good producers. It's given a level of respect that you see in few depictions of the industry. Bee isn't a little girl lost. She has two moms who love her and a ton of supportive friends.

Speaking of two moms--this book is super queer. Bee and Nolan are both bi; almost every supporting character is queer. There's one... maybe two? Characters that I can think of as being definitively straight. While this is not necessarily the center of the story (nobody is coming out--they've been out) Bee does mention to Nolan how important it was to her that he was out while in his band and at the height of his fame. It's a great way, to me, of underlining that Bee and Nolan's queerness is a part of them and their relationship even if it appears hetero on paper.

What struck me most was how deftly the situation between Bee and Nolan was handled. Personally, I found the idea of Nolan being a top subscriber of Bee's... hot. Off the bat. But I know that it's a tricky deal, and you don't want him to come off as desperate and pathetic and creepy. He could have, for sure. And he never did. At the same time, he wasn't a defanged nice boy. There was an edge to him, something that is sorely lacking in a lot of contemporary romance heroes I've read lately. He's not a Ted Lasso knockoff looking to aw shucks one moment and inexplicably turn into a dom alpha as soon as the sex scenes kick up. He's not what I would call an alpha hero, per se, but there's always a bit of a... swagger? To him? The vibe that this is a guy who fucks, shall we say. Even if he is also a caring son and brother who just wants to get his career together so that he can put food on the table. (Also: Nolan's mom suffers from a bipolar disorder, and while it's not the most central thing to the plot, I did appreciate its depiction as someone who has bipolar II. It felt authentic and not at all exploitative or shock jock-ish, the way bipolar rep often does in fiction.)

Additionally, Bee is never given the "oh golly gee Mr. I sure am grateful that a hot guy like you would like a lowly fat chick like me" treatment. Which was such a fucking relief. Bee has an insecure moment here and there, but that's natural. It's not dwelled upon. It's not condescending. Nolan very clearly is extremely attracted to her, and that's that.

There is a level of suspension of disbelief you have to maintain with the idea that there would be this much press over a TV Christmas movie.... But that's just a quibble. Who cares? The core of this story is the relationship between Bee and Nolan, and that more than sells itself. Their connection is not without its conflicts, but none of them feel contrived, and they're both deeply likable, if flawed people.

Would read again close to Christmas, with a mug of hot chocolate in hand. Maybe some gingerbread lotion on the side. Not sure about where I'll be this Christmas.

Thank you to Netgalley and Avon for providing me with a copy of this book in exchange for an honest review!

[gwynrielendgame]

Gwyncien headcanon

Okay so my headcanon is that Lucien would try to be understanding about Elain and Azriel being together. The mating bond would be the only thing that would make him want to enact the blood duel but he would fight it cause he knows he isn’t owed Elain. Anyways this was the outcome of that.

Gwyn did not know why she was here. She told herself it was for Nesta, but she knew her friend would be occupied with her mate for most of the night. It was true torture to endure this night at the court of nightmares. She insisted that if she couldn't handle the court of nightmares there was no way she could handle the rest of the world. It was a test for herself. She couldn't tell if she were passing or failing though.

"Could definitely be worse." Gwyn whispered back. She tried not to stare. It only made her pathetic she told herself. Luckily though, no one was watching her too closely. No one knew that Azriel and Gwyn were mates which meant they weren't over analyzing the situation right along with Gwyn. When she had dreamt of finding a mate, she never imagined this. The way the bond could actually hurt Gwyn was almost too much to bear. No wonder mates never rejected each other. Gwyn had been so lost in her head, she hadn't noticed Lucien approaching her.

"You look beautiful tonight, Gwyn." The male gave her a shy smile before bowing. Gwyn frowned while looking down at herself. She was wearing her priestess robe with the hood pulled down to cover most of her face for once. She wasn't sure what he was playing at, but decided to play along. Anything to distract her from that wretched couple. Only then did it hit her that perhaps he was doing the same.

"Thank you. To what do I owe the pleasure of your company?" Gwyn lifted her hood off her head and smiled at the red head. Similar in color to her own hair.

"I was hoping for a dance." He held out his hand. His smile turned more confident. He truly was handsome even with that terrible scar running down half his face.

"I don't know how to dance." Gwyn didn't want to make a fool of herself, especially when Azriel and Elain looked so graceful together.

"I'll lead. Don't worry. I won't do anything crazy." He sent her a smirk that told her he would, in fact, do something crazy.

"Okay." She found herself agreeing. Emerie sent her a wide look while nudging her. Gwyn sent a casual smile back. Lucien would never hurt Gwyn. She had over heard the story from Feyre herself. Lucien was one of few males who understood her pain.

He led her off to the floor and swept her into the ongoing waltz. He was close, closer than she had let any male before. Yet there was still a respectable distance between them for a dance. He kept his hand high on her back and she knew it would never veer from that spot. Her heart picked up out of conditioned fear. She took a deep breath to calm herself. He would not hurt her. They were slow and clumsy, but they were dancing which was surprising enough for Gwyn. She figured she would have stepped on his toes by now.

+

Azriel tried to ignore the mate bond as it tugged sharply. It didn't help that his shadows were angry about the situation as well. He kept making brief glances as his mate ineloquently danced along with the autumn lord. He knew Lucien was doing this on purpose. Azriel was unaware how the other male learned of his ties to Gwyn, but this was Lucien's payback for Elain and damn did it make Azriel feel guilty.

"What's wrong?" Elain spoke quietly. She glanced up at him through her lashes before focusing back on the dancing. She looked beautiful tonight, opting for red instead of black which he had to admit suited her much better. He hadn't told Elain that the mating bond snapped into place for Gwyn and him a little over two months ago. He didn't know how to tell her, although if anyone could understand, it was Elain.

"Just keeping surveillance." Azriel wished he had his shadows right now, so that they could keep track of Gwyn. Unfortunately, they still disappeared around Elain. He thought that had been a good thing. Now he wasn't so sure. "What is it like to watch Lucien dance with someone else?" He couldn't help but wonder if it felt the same for her as it did for him. He felt miserable yet had no right to be. Gwyn gave him an option. He just hadn't realized how insistent this bond would be.

"Uncomfortable." Elain decided after a long pause. "I don't really know him, so I should feel indifferent. But I can feel the bond tugging as though it's mad at me." He hadn't expected her to be so honest. He appreciated it anyways. Azriel did know Gwyn though. She was his friend which could be the reason the bond is much more painful than a mere uncomfort. He twirled Elain once more before she announced she was tired of dancing. They both retreated back to the dais where their friends were joking.

"It's not funny." Nesta groaned with a scowl gracing her face. Feyre, Rhys, and Mor were all laughing.

"What's not funny" Elain asked looking towards her oldest sister. Mor decided to answer when Nesta refused.

"It appears that the first man to pique the priestess's interest also happens to be the man that annoys the shit out of Nesta." Amren drawled after taking a seat. A bloom of anger rocked the bond so hard that Azriel's shadows came to life for a brief second before hiding again. The tight squeeze of Elain's hand into Azriel's let the Shadowsinger know that she felt the same way he did. It angered him to think that the first male to catch Gwyn's eye would be Lucien rather than him.

"It's not like that." Elain squashed any relationship theories right then. "Lucien wouldn't parade another female in front of me like that." While Elain's proclamation was true, it still made him frown. Perhaps Elain felt a little more than just uncomfortable seeing the pair dance. The rest of the group eyed Elain, but it was Feyre who came to Lucien’s defense.

"You refuse to talk to Lucien and are in a public relationship with our spymaster, Elain," Feyre was frowning as she spoke. "I think he can ask Gwyn, of all people, to dance with him." She finished by rolling her eyes at Elain. Azriel didn't like the insinuation Feyre made but kept it to himself all the same. The conversation quickly cut off as the group watched the pair end the dance with a bow.

+

"It sucks, doesn't it? Watching them be happy together?" Gwyn eyed Lucien. He couldn't know. Gwyn refused to tell anyone, mainly out of embarrassment. She supposed that didn't mean Azriel kept quiet though.

"I'm unsure I understand." She would play dumb for all it was worth. It made Lucien chuckle. He twirled her before pulling her back and continuing the conversation.

"I guessed you two were mates awhile ago. But you confirmed it for me tonight. You watch him like I watch Elain." He gave a sad smile before twirling her again. "I'm surprised he rejected you though. Azriel has been waiting more than 500 years for a mate."

"Not for A mate." Gwyn snapped. She couldn't control her rising anger. Not when it came to the mate bond. "He waited 500 years for the mate bond to snap in place with Mor and then Elain." She used her mind-stilling to calm herself. Lucien watched her intently with his one russet eye.

"He didn't technically reject me." Gwyn started the story she hadn't uttered to anyone before. "I knew he was still hung up on Elain though when the mate bond snapped into place. I told him I didn't want him to feel forced into this. So if he wanted to be with Elain, I wouldn't hold any resentment." Gwyn chuckled along with Lucien at that. The mate bond was not as forgiving. Gwyn hadn't realized how painful it would be to watch him with Elain when she uttered those words to him.

"The bond can be a fickle thing can't it?"

"Why didn't you challenge him to the blood fight? You had every reason to?" Gwyn couldn't stop herself from asking. She was glad he hadn't. It still didn't make sense to her though.

"Besides the fact that he would kill me and Elain would feel that pain? Would finally understand the true torture of the mating bond? Same reason you told him he could be with Elain. I don't want someone to be with me out of obligation." He twirled her once more and she was suddenly overcome with such sadness for the autumn lord. He deserved a mate that chose him. His eyes softened as they made eye contact again. Neither said a word for a solid minute.

“You are quick to underestimate yourself. Is that on purpose or do you truly believe you would lose?” Gwyn believed that at the very least, Lucien would put up one hell of a fight. He was raised by high lord Beron of all people, who was known for his cruelty. A sly smile quirked Lucien’s mouth.

“You’re the first to call me out on that.” It wasn’t technically an answer, but it told Gwyn all she needed to know. He allowed everyone to underestimate him. To believe he is only proficient in fighting. It should have made her nervous, but for some reason it had her laughing.

“I would love to see you kick Azriel’s ass.” It would be the kick to his ego that he needed quite honestly. Lucien laughed before a round of silence fell over them. Lucien was the first to break it.

"You could come with me. We call ourselves the band of exiles. It's just Jurian, Vassa, and I, but it would be better than watching their love story unfold." She was shocked by the invitation. She knew her face showed it as well. She knew she couldn't accept. At least not right now. She didn't want to leave Nesta and Emerie. She didn't want to stop her Valkarie training. The song was coming to an end and Gwyn knew that as soon as it did that this conversation would have to end with it.

"I have something I want to do." Lucien's brows furrowed in confusion, so she elaborated further. "I want revenge. But I'm not ready yet. Would this invitation still extend when I am ready?" Her voice was unsteady due to nerves. She hadn't mentioned her revenge plan to anyone before. A gleam entered Lucien's eye. He knew what she wanted and he would support her through it. The song ended causing Lucien to step away from Gwyn and bow once more.

"I'll be waiting." And then he was walking away. Gwyn floated back to the dais, to her spot by Emerie. She was so lost in her new plans, new plans that Lucien helped establish that she hadn't realized the entire inner circle staring at her. Including Elain and Azriel. Both had unreadable expression but both made her skin crawl uncomfortably. One of Azriel's shadows whipped out at her, barely grazing her wrist. It barely stung, but enough for Gwyn to know the shadows were upset with her. She frowned at them.

"What?" Redness rushed to her cheeks at the attention. She knew it wasn't good attention either.

"What was that about?" Nesta inclined her head to the dance floor. Gwyn didn't want to talk about it especially in front of the inner circle.

"He asked me to dance so I said yes." Gwyn shrugged as though it meant nothing. Truly the conversation had meant a lot to Gwyn. Finally being able to talk about it to someone lifted a weight that she hadn't known was there from her shoulders.

"Is that why you were making goo goo eyes at him?" Emerie teased while nudging her. Gwyn didn't see why this was being openly joked about. Azriel and Elain only went public with their relationship a month ago. Before then the entire inner circle was sure that this would cause war. Gwyn chanced a glance at Azriel, but his face gave nothing away. She looked to his shadows because she knew that those were much harder to control around her. Unfortunately the shadows had disappeared.

"Lucien is my friend." The words were colder than Gwyn had meant, but it turned the teasing air into awkward silence. Nesta and Emerie were searching Gwyn's face for any tells. They came up empty though. It was Rhysand to respond next.

"Sorry Gwyn. We weren't trying to imply anything." His words were kind but it only made Gwyn's face flame brighter. Of course they wouldn't imply anything like that with her. It reminded her of how they all see her. Trauma first. Person second.

She wondered if any of them, besides her two sisters, would ever look at her and see anything other than that day in Sangravah. She peeked a glance back at Lucien and saw him for what he could be. A fresh start. He knew about her experiences, but he wasn't there that day. He didn't see with his own eye what they had done to her. Perhaps Azriel's rejection was a blessing in disguise. Azriel himself had saved her that day. Maybe one look at her face and he found himself back in Sangravah, lifting her weak body into his arms. Before she could sink too far into the memories, she felt the mate bond being tugged at. Her eyes snapped to Azriel's where he was already staring softly back. It only fueled her anger though. She knew he had done it to pull her away from those memories but he had no right. He didn't get to use the mate bond unless he wanted to be with her.

"Stop looking at me like that." It was meant for Azriel, but applied to most of the group as well. Gwyn pulled her hood up and turned back to the dance floor. Her silent way of telling them to fuck off. She felt Emerie link their arms together. Nesta found herself on Gwyn's other side, grabbing her hand.

"I swear if you like Lucien I'll rip all my hair out." Nesta muttered in her ear. It had Gwyn laughing out loud. She gripped her friend's hand harder.

"I'd expect nothing less."

[oscar-lettjohanssonloveme]

"And I’m damn proud of you, because you survived another day." (Ms. Venable x reader,

hiyaa :3 i wrote this yesterday while we were stuck in traffic...so idk lol

summary: You are depressed coz of the apocalypse and your girlfriend wants to help you..idk i’m bad in smt like that :’)

warnings: depression, talking about suicide, pills

“momma im in love with google translate”

"Maybe I'm going crazy now, but I saw a young woman in the hallway in front of the library last night", Mr. Gallant said  at the dinner tonight

Timothy just shrugged.

"It must have been some Gray who got lost", he muttered and stabbed the little cube in front of him with his fork.

Mister Gallant rolled his eyes.

"No I swear!", Replied the hairstylist. "I know all the Grays by now and I've never seen her before and she wore purple."

Stu, who was sitting next to the man, suppressed a laugh.

"You've probably seen a ghost, I said it's only a question of time before the first of us commits suicide."

"Or until Miss Venable killed everyone who didn't obey her rules", Coco added in a whisper and made the others laugh.

Unlucky Miss Venable wasn't deaf.

"What nonsense .." hissed the red-haired woman at the other end of the table.

"I promise you, the only ghost that will haunt around here is Mister Gallant's, should he wander around the Outpost one more time."

Immediately everyone stopped laughing and all eyes were on Miss Venable, who now stood up without a word to go out of the room.

"Or her ghost, if she continues to act as if we were her subjects ..", Coco mumbled quietly before she turned back to her 'dinner'.

------------

Miss Venable ran through the corridors of her outpost to get to her room.

What those idiots at the table had said worried her. Not because she cared about other people's opinions, simply because they were right. The thing with the ghost was just a joke, but it was, what you basically were...a ghost.

Ever since you first met before all of this, you had been struggling with depression and an apocalypse was unlikely to improve your condition. She had decided it was better if the other residents of the outpost didn't find out about your existence. Which wasn't a problem, because most of the day you were just lying in bed tired anyway.

"Hey princess .." she said gently as she entered your bedroom. Her eyes fell on you in concern. Like the days before, you lay buried in your blanket and the only thing what she could see was your disheveled hair, which had become greasy. One would have thought you would have been dead, had your chest not slowly raised and lowered again.

Mina closed the door behind her, before crossing the room to sit next to you on the edge of the bed. She carefully pulled the covers down to reveal your face. Without emotion, you stared with bleary eyes into the flame of the torch that hung on the wall.

"How do you feel?", Mina whispered and pushed a few strands of your hair from your face.

"I missed you ..", you answered in a dry voice and Mina could feel a pang in her chest when she heard it.

"I'm here now", she muttered as she put her hand on your cheek.

She looked sadly into your cloudy eyes and knew that you probably wished you weren't alive any longer.

You cleared your throat and turned your gaze to Mina. And Mina could see that you were trying to bring a small smile to your chapped lips.

"I took my pills .." you said and Mina's eyes lit up at your words.

"Thats great, princess!", she called and smiled lovingly at you.

"I'm proud of you."

"And I ate the cubes",  you added as you pull the blanket a little higher over your shoulders. "Even they were disgusting."

"You are such a good girl",  Mina muttered before bending over to press her lips against the warm skin of your temple.

"I'll have a quick shower before I get to bed with you",  she explained and got up to look at you thoughtfully.

"Do you want to join me?"

You looked at her for a few seconds with narrowed eyes.

"I look like shit don't I?" You finally said as you stood up with shaky legs and held onto her arm, which she held out to you.

"Don't say that", Mina replied as she led you into your bathroom. "You are beautiful as always, Princess".

Together with Mina's help, you manage to shower. It was unbelievably exhausting for Mina to stand so long without her cane and the fact that she now also helped you to wash, bordered on a miracle.

After both of you showered and dried your hair, you climbed into your bed and you could finally curl up in your girlfriend's arms.

"I forgot to ask how your day was".  Mina heard you whisper in the dark while rubbing her hands over the bare skin of your back.

She pondered briefly what to answer you. Her day had been shitty. Those selfish, rich assholes were just annoying.

"My day was okay", she mumbled and suddenly she remembered the conversation at dinner.

"Why didn't you tell me, you were in the library last night?" She added without sounding reproachful.

"How do you know that?" You asked confused as you started to play with the hem of her purple nightgown. When Mina didn't answer you continued.

"I wanted to read last night so I went to the library to get a book."

Mina hesitated a few seconds before answering. Somewhere it was great, you had left your room for the first time in weeks, but on the other hand she disapproved the thought of you, wandering through the corridors of the outpost at night.

"You could have woken me up, I would have gone with you." she said finally.

"Did you at least be able to read?"

"I gave up after the first three sentences", you sighed.

"It was just too much."

Your girlfriend wrapped her arms around you a little tighter when she heard the regret in your voice.

"It's okay .." she hummed. "The only important thing right now, is that you survived another day. I'm proud of you princess", she muttered, suppressing a yawn before closing her eyes and falling asleep a few minutes later.

She told you that every evening.

---------------------

You had been in this outpost for almost two months and you got tired of waking up every morning with a fear of opening your eyes. Because a part of you still had the hope,that it was just a nightmare. But whenever you opened your eyes, instead of staring out of the window of your bedroom, you stared into the fire of the torch, thag hung next to the bed and all your hopes died.

You found yourself ungrateful and you could think of countless people, who would have deserved your place in the Outpost much more than you did. You weren't anyone and just because Mina was your girlfriend you were still alive. That was unfair.

Of course you could see how worried Mina was about you and you hated yourself for it. The world had come to an end and Mina, as the head of this outpost, paid her attention to you, the poor little wreck that couldn't even shower by itself.

You pulled the blanket a little tighter around your shoulders when a slight breeze made you shiver and sent goosebumps all over your body. It had been a stupid idea to leave your room again, but you had to promise Mina that you would take your pills and now you were looking for the kitchen, if there was something like that here, to get a glass of water.

Usually Mina brought you these things and you couldn't blame her for forgetting today.

It was currently 10 p.m. and you were already in your pajamas while walking barefoot through the outpost to get some water.

"Oh my god. Gallant was right, it's haunted here", a shrill voice suddenly called from behind you and made you flinch. You turned slowly around and looked with narrowed eyes into the face of a blonde woman, who came up to you and stood in front of you with folded arms.

"Are you a purple?" She asked you frowning and you nodded curtly.

"And whats your name?" She asked further.

"Y / N", you mumbled and decided at the same moment, that you didn't like this woman.

"Well, Y / N, I've never seen you here before",

the blonde cocked her head and looked at you piercingly as

you looked away from her and looked embarrassed at your feet.

"I spend a lot of time in my room."

"Your room?" Asked the woman confused.

"Which room do you live in exactly? To the best of my knowledge, all of the rooms in the outpost are occupied. You can't have a room of your own-"

"I should go now", you muttered as you turned to move away from this annoying woman, but she grabbed your wrist.

"Just wait until Miss Venable finds out", she said, looking down at you smugly. "You know, she-"

"What the hell are you doing here?"

Mina's loud voice at the end of the hall made you both drive around to her.

The blonde immediately let go of your wrist and pointed with outstretched fingers at your trembling form.

"This is the woman Mister Gallant was talking about", she said and looked at you disparagingly.

"You see? It's not haunted here", Mina hissed as she approached you both. "As tightly as you have gripped her wrist, she can't be a ghost."

"I've never seen her here before, how is that possible?" Asked the annoying woman and you winced again when her shrill voice boomed in your ears.

"Maybe because your selfish ass is too busy with itself?", Mina funodded angrily at the blonde, who thought with open mouth what she should answer, but Mina got ahead of her.

"I think you should go to bed now, before you say anything you might regret later", Mina kept her voice lowered while she spoke and sounded dangerous at the same time.

The woman next to you looked at you and then at Mina one more time before turning and reluctantly went down the hall.

"Coco St. Pierre Vanderbilt", Mina said to you while she watched the blonde disappear into one of the rooms and you knew that she meant the woman's name.

"What are you doing here, princess?", asked your girlfriend and grabbed the hand that this woman, Coco, had just grabbed, to gently stroke the back of your hand with her thumb.

"I wanted to get some water.. you know, for the pills", you mumbled.

"And then this woman came."

"Go back to our room, it's cold," Mina cooed and gently squeezed your hand.

"I'll get you water."

"Thanks .." you said curtly and let go of her hand before turning around to go back to your room.

When Mina came to your room less than five minutes later, you were already buried in bed under your blanket again and only your head was sticking out.

"I've got your water", she muttered and walked across the room to put the glass on your bedside table. You mumbled a little "thank you", reached for the glass to wash down the pills.

As you drank, your eyes were glued on Mina, who crossed the room to lock your door and you could see her grimace with every step she took.

"You are in pain", you noticed shortly after you put your glass back on the table.

"Honey?" You kept trying as she ignored you.

"I'm fine," she growled without looking at you.

"Stop lying to me."

Again she didn't answer and just sat on the edge of her bed.

Worried you stared holes in her back while you chewed on your cracked lower lip. She always did that .. Whenever she felt bad and you noticed, she ignored you.

"Okay, come here", you sighed and climbed over the bed to sit cross-legged behind her.

"What is this supposed to be, Princess?"

Mina sounded confused when she felt you carefully pull the zipper of her dress down.

"I take care of you", you muttered and also pulled the zipper of her white lace blouse down to expose her back.

"Y / N, you really don't have to. I don't-"

"Shut up, Mina!", you growled and leaned over to take the lotion off her bedside table. You opened the jar to spread the lotion on your fingers.

"You let me know if I hurt you, right?" You whispered and when she nodded in agreement you carefully began to spread the ointment on her back.

The next minute was filled with a pleasant silence as you tried not to hurt your girlfriend and tried to be as gentle as possible. You usually did this for her every night, but for the past few weeks it had been canceled due to your health and it was obvious that she couldn't take care of it herself.

"How was your day, princess?", Mina finally asked quietly and you took a moment to think about her question.

"Better than yesterday", you said curtly while your fingers were still wandering over her serpentine spine.

"You know, everytime I close my eyes, I see faces of my friends and relatives and I wonder if this will ever end."

Mina hummed in agreement before speaking.

"I haven't had a lot of people I liked, but I can imagine how awful you feel. It may not be a comfort, but I think you will eventually get used to it."

"I don't know ,how I feel right now to be honest", you mumbled.

"Inside of me everything is so empty. I haven't shed a single tear in weeks, if you understand what I mean."

Mina nodded slowly and was about to say something when suddenly you wrapped your arms around her from behind and carefully leaned your forehead against her back.

"I don't know what I would do without you, Mina", you whispered against her skin. "And even if I'm not really showing it at the moment, I'm so grateful for everything you do for me and I love you so much."

"Oh Princess ..", Mina cooed gently as she turned around in your arms to press her lips against yours.

"I know that you love me and I love you too. And you survived another day and that's the only thing that matters at the moment."

-------------------

A few days went by and you were still a total mess.

One day you walked around the room and could tidy up something while other days you could just lie in bed and stare holes in the wall. Mina was still very worried about you and really wanted you to be fine. But she also understood that this was probably going to be difficult for you, as there was nothing to hold on to your hope.

It was already afternoon when she was on her way to your room to bring you something, that she hoped would help. And while one hand was protecting herself on her stick, she was holding the clear plastic jar in the other, that she wanted to show you.

"Hey little sunshine", she called when she came into your room to find you wrapped in her blanket. She frowned.

"Why are you lying under my blanket?"

"I missed you and the blanket smells like you", you grumbled as you pulled the blanket down to reveal your face. Your eyes wandered to the plastic can in Mina's hand.

"What's that?" You asked confused

Mina smiled as she walked over to you to sit next to you on the bed.

"This is for you", she muttered and you sat up to take the can, she held out to you in your hands.

Mina looked at you expectantly and watched with satisfaction as your eyes lit up when you recognized the contents of the box.

"Oh my god, Mina", you breathed and began to smile while your eyes stared fascinated at the red butterfly, that was fluttering around in the box.

"She came into the outpost two days ago and I had her checked for diseases", Mina explained as she brushed a few of your hair off your face.

"She is beautiful", you whispered and when Mina saw tears glistening in your eyes, she knew that it was the right decision to give you the butterfly.

"She is", she mumbled contentedly before reaching out to tap the wall of the can with her index finger.

"And do you see the little pearls, that lie in the corner on the sheet? Those are eggs, from which caterpillars will hatch at some point-"

"And then they turn into more butterflies", you finished and she nodded.

"Mina, that's great, if we do everything right, we will not only be able to save our species, theirs too", you said and looked at Mina with sparkling eyes.

"You absolutely have to show the others .."

"Oh no", Mina replied.

"The others would find it more disgusting than fascinating, so you should take care of them."

"I ugh- well, thank you", you smiled brightly at her and Mina was glad to finally see you smile again. She leaned forward to kiss you on the forehead before she put her arm around you and you could rest your head on her shoulder. And while she was watching the little butterfly like you, the smell of her lavender perfume suddenly rose to her nose and she frowned.

"Do you wear my perfume, princess?", She asked confused and of course couldn't see how you blushed.

"As I said, I missed you", you muttered.

"Please don't be mad at me, i know its weird."

"No! I think its cute", Mina said quickly uhd pressed another kiss on your hair.

"And i'm damn proud of you, because you survived another day."

[alirhi]

okay. let's do this shit.

Guess what, bitches? Mama bear's back and angry all over again. Remember when I said I might dive into a ragepost about how Bucky's treated after completing the one about Loki? This is it. This is the post. Welcome to fucking Thunderdome.

I will actually try to keep it civil. No promises, but I'll try. and I will not be accepting "constructive criticism" about my rage. Just so we're clear.

Got it? Good. Let's dive in.

In case you don't want to read the whole thing (I know I get wordy) here's what this whole post will boil down to: BUCKY NEVER HAD A FUCKING CHOICE. NEVER. NOT ONCE IN HIS ENTIRE ADULT LIFE.

Now, quick reminder: I don't read comics. I know nothing about Bucky's comic canon, except what Sebastian liked to bring up as often as possible during TWS/CW promotions: at some point, Bucky boned Nat. XD Since Bucky only exists as a Marvel property, I won't be bitching about other source material being disrespected like I did with Loki. This is all MCU, my dudes. And honestly? That's enough, because though we don't see nearly enough of Bucky for my liking, we do manage to get a rich, deep backstory to him in the material we're given, partly thanks to better writing in the early days of the MCU, and partly thanks to Sebastian Stan's phenomenal acting. Unlike the writers of the Loki series, Seb knows how to show, not tell. And gods, what stories those eyes show...

Let's start with the army. In an old post illustrating what an absolute BAMF Bucky Barnes truly is, I mistakenly said he enlisted, and a kind soul educated me on the incredible attention to detail Marvel used to pay - in this case, Bucky's ID number. 32557038. As this kind, eagle-eyed soul pointed out to me, the first two digits of that number - 32 - signify that Bucky was drafted, specifically from the NY, NJ, DE area (that last part is rather obvious, as Bucky and Steve are from Brooklyn lol). Bucky didn't choose to go to war. He was drafted. He was forced to fight, or go to prison.

Bucky was born in 1917, which means - again, as someone pointed out to me a while back - he came of age during the Great Depression. As a child, he would likely have seen his parents living comfortably and able to shower each other and him and his sister with gifts and fun memories, and then POOF. Stock market crashes when he's only 12-years-old, and life becomes brutal and painful. He manages to have some fun with his best friend Steve, and spends his teens/early 20s chasing girls and keeping his stupid, stubborn, tiny friend from getting beaten to death.

Steve constantly has something to prove. He's absolutely got what my mom always called "little man's disease", and Bucky's just doing his best not to roll his eyes too much at this asthmatic chihuahua constantly trying to beat up Tibetan mastiffs. While Steve keeps lying on his enlistment forms (an actual crime) trying again and again to get into the army and prove what a badass he is (definitely not), Bucky's had enough trauma and upheaval in his life and he just wants his stupid friend to calm tf down and live. Enjoy the fact that he doesn't have to go to war and get his limbs blown off.

And then he gets fucking drafted. This sweet, resigned realist who knows exactly how dangerous the war really is, is forced to put on a uniform and go fight strangers alongside other strangers thousands of miles from everything he knows. And on his last night of freedom, when he just wants to hang out with his friend, see some cool gadgets, and dance with a pretty girl, his stupid angry chihuahua friend feels the need to lie and try to enlist again.

Okay. Gotta get back on track. Ragepost about mistreatment of Bucky, not how much Steve annoys me. Sorry. Anyway...

Bucky's drafted, accepts his shitty lot with a brave smile, and is shipped off to Europe, where he is captured by HYDRA and presumed by the Allies to be KIA. Instead, he's strapped down, tortured, and given the HYDRA version of the super serum against his will. Steve rescues him, and Bucky knows he can't leave his idiot friend to his own devices to get his head blown off, so he dives right back into the fray. And then he falls off a cliff, loses most of his left arm, and is declared dead...again. This one's pretty damn valid, though lol. Without the serum no one knew he'd been shot up with, there is no way he would have survived that fall.

Here is where Bucky's story gets truly heartbreaking: His autonomy, his ability to consent is stripped from him through electroshock torture/brainwashing. The trigger words are conditioned into him during this process, and boom. Ten words in Russian, and Bucky Barnes is gone. Even the confused, hurting shadow of him is gone, leaving only a perfectly obedient killing machine, with Bucky's pretty face. He's strong as all hell, though, so they can't keep him fully under their control for long, not without more torture, when the disorientation of being fucking frozen wears off on longer missions.

I cannot stress this point enough, guys: Bucky. Had. No. Choice. Not like the draft, where his choices (go and get shot at, refuse and go to jail, or dodge and run to Canada) just suck. No, he literally didn't have a choice. He had his ability to choose stripped from him. If that's too complex a concept to really sink in, try this: His brain was fucking raped. Repeatedly. For decades. Nothing the Winter Soldier ever did was Bucky's fault. Nothing. Ever. Not remotely, no matter how you fucking slice it. Bucky is not an assassin. I almost said "not a killer", but he was a soldier, and a sharpshooter. He definitely killed when he was himself, but that was in a war, not a series of assassinations.

So far, imo, so good. This is just a rundown of Bucky's pre-show backstory. I don't love what he had to suffer, but I do love how it was treated in the movies. People were afraid of him, but when they knew the whole situation, Steve, Nat, and Sam rallied behind him. Natasha had plenty of reason to want the Winter Soldier dead; he'd tried to kill her multiple times and almost succeeded. Sam had no reason to help Bucky at all; he didn't know him, didn't trust him, and again, TWS had tried to kill him. But he stood by Steve, and when Bucky showed the clear difference between himself and TWS, Sam stood by him, too, and fought alongside him.

And it's very realistic, imo, that Tony didn't give a single fuck that Bucky had no choice. He watched this man murder both of his parents on tape. If TWS had killed my dad and I saw proof of it, I'd try to kill Bucky, too. Grief wins out over logic. Most emotions usually do. And that's a very important point we're going to come back to in a few minutes.

Bucky was really only in like ten minutes at most of IW and Endgame, and for multiple reasons I hate those movies, so I'm just gonna skip them, kay? Kay. On to the main event!

Here's where I get pissed off. Even if I didn't have an unhealthy attachment to this character, or the depth of appreciation for his tragic backstory that I do, the lack of continuity between the movies and the show alone would still piss me off. It always does. Don't even get me started on Joss "Continuity? What continuity?" Whedon and his (iconic, but flawed) shows. Ahem. Back on track...

Let me just get one little thing out of the way real quick: I fucking LOVE The Falcon and the Winter Soldier. I love it. This show amazed me when I first watched it, and I still love it after many more viewings lol. I have only ever watched it all the way through without skipping over as much John Walker shit as possible the one time lol but I love how Sam and Bucky interact, and I fucking adore how Sam's arc was treated. I just wish they'd show the same care and attention to Bucky.

Because what they did to Bucky in this show is a fucking travesty. There was a tiny ray of hope in the pilot, when he called out Dr. Bitchface for being a terrible shrink. I thought that would be the start of him realizing he needed to find someone else and ignore the damaging shit that woman was telling him. But...nope. No such luck.

The show really had a strong start, I'll give it that. We see Bucky having nightmares of his time as TWS and struggling to hide how his traumatic memories are affecting him as he tries to live in the world again. He befriends the father of one of HYDRA's victims, which can't be good for Bucky (and we're shown it's definitely not when he sees the shrine in Yori's home to his late son) but it's sweet, how he's trying to connect and reach out to someone who's hurting and lonely.

They drop the ball a little with the whole... Bucky can hack a fucking car, but can't figure out Tinder thing. Had they just run with the fandom interpretation of the tiger photos line, that it shows that Bucky is bi and left it at that, I'd have been okay with it (and no, that is not because I ship Sam/Bucky. it's because Bucky is and always has been a certified nerd who loves technology and has consistently shown very little issue learning to use new gadgets). The outdated flip phone he handed his terrible court-mandated shrink was a burner; I liked that theory when I read it, especially since it's the only time we see him even holding a phone that old lol. This all could have fit the "Bucky is a sassy bisexual nerd" narrative and it'd be okay. Instead, the director was like "NOOOOOO that line was just to show how old he is and how he can't figure out all this newfangled technology!" Woman, you had him remotely driving someone else's vehicle with a tablet. That is NOT a man who can't figure out a damn smart phone!

But that's just a minor annoyance. What fills me with absolute rage is how everyone - not just the shitty therapist who lashes out at and purposely triggers her traumatized patients, but EVERYONE - Sam, Zemo, people who should fucking know better ALL treat him like he's a psychopath and a ticking time bomb. Like he chose to take the serum and he chose to kill for HYDRA, and he's just seen the error of his ways. *barf*

Bucky in the movies is established to be a victim, through and through. His guilt over what he was forced to do is natural, and that he sees himself as a monster makes sense... but that doesn't mean it's correct. The one and only thing I ever liked about Steve Rogers is at least he got it. He pointed out that none of it was Bucky's fault, he tried to show him that he was worth saving. That's the other reason I refuse to talk about Endgame. This post will get a WHOLE LOT LONGER and a lot fucking angrier if I open that door.

Zemo supposedly knows everything about HYDRA and super soldiers... So why does he treat Bucky like he's a corrupt serial killer? (this, for the record, is why I don't like Zemo) Why does he never point out that Bucky was given the serum against his will, or that his actions, when he had control of them, proved that he was never corrupted? Bucky never wanted to become superhuman. Bucky didn't even want to fucking fight!

Sam, despite constantly resisting the label, is shown very clearly to be Bucky's friend. By episode 3, he cares. He worries about how Bucky is getting lumped in with the other super soldiers in Zemo's speech... But he never really defends him. He says "what about Bucky?" but he doesn't point out that Bucky's a good man, he's fought so hard to help people, he does everything he can to avoid killing... And that fucking speech in episode 5. I was with him on "you gotta stop looking to other people to tell you who you are." I was like "YEAH! Tell him, Sam! Bucky, you're WORTH SAVING, boo! Your value does not hinge on someone else's opinion of you!" And then... Sam dropped the ball.

He not only continued the disturbing pattern of victim-blaming in this show, and in Marvel/Disney properties in general, but he gave really dangerously bad advice! No one in their right mind, mental health professional or no, would EVER tell a traumatized former assassin (whether he was responsible for his actions or not) to go confront his victims' families out of the blue with no warning and no one to mediate and keep things from going to shit. Yori already knew his son had been murdered because he was in the "wrong place, wrong time." How is it being "of service" to tell him you're the one who killed him?! Remember how I said Tony's reaction to learning the full truth about his parents' deaths was valid and would be an important point later? Hi! Welcome to later. THAT is the natural reaction to facing the man who murdered your loved one(s). And even if Yori didn't get angry and lash out, HOW IS IT "HELPING" HIM OR BRINGING HIM "CLOSURE" TO KNOW THAT HIS FRIEND KILLED HIS FUCKING SON?!?!?! This man befriended him, bonded with him, watched him grieve... And now he's learning this is the man who caused all his pain and heartache to begin with? That is so toxic and psycho I just... I can't even... UGH.

And then there's the equally toxic and damaging "deeply traumatized person just needed a stern talking to and a hug to be ALL BETTER AGAIN" ending. I loved seeing Bucky happy and socializing, but it was too soon, and it was unearned. And it sends a fucking awful message to people actually struggling with PTSD, and to their loved ones who don't know how to help them. Heaping more blame on them and then hugging it out is NOT helpful!

This show could have been damn near perfect with just two changes. That's all. Just two. 1) Someone, anyone, bringing up the reasons why Bucky was never a villain in his presence. Someone being in his corner and reminding him, like Steve did, that it wasn't his fault and he's not going to "snap". 2) More time devoted to Bucky's healing. Actual fucking healing, not the shit they tried to pass off as a magic fix-all. He can have his happy barbecue moment, just don't frame it as "everything's great now!" Healing isn't linear, and there will be both good days and bad. Some of the most fragile people in the world have the brightest smiles.

If we get a season 2, which this amazing show absolutely deserves, and they address this stuff, all will be forgiven in my book. Expanding on his story and his journey toward healing will help to reframe that "happily ever after" garbage as something more realistic. But as it stands now... Fuck Marvel.

[cinnamontoasttaes]

Till Death Do Us Part - myg

pairing: Yoongi x reader

genre: Assassin Au, eventual smut.

word count: 5.972k

warnings: blood, gore, lots of cursing, action, violence, sexual content.

summary: Assassins are not supposed to fall in love.

author’s note: I don’t know what the fuck I just wrote but I hope you enjoy this. Let me know if it’s good enough for a second part. Have a lovely day my beautiful peeps.

                                                  ⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅

Making a run for it, you jump off of the edge of the high-rise building. The chilly wind slapping you harshly in the face as you brace yourself for landing. Knees tucked in, arms spread out as the balls of your feet come in contact with the flat surface. 

It has been a week since you last saw him, a whole fucking week. Yet, you keep coming back here, but not intending to do what you should have done a long time ago. Instead, you were here searching for a Yoongi that didn't exist, one that would comfort you and tell you he didn’t mean what he said. 

                                   ——Flashback to that night——

“I Love you--”

Your eyes widen and a gasp escapes your lips, afraid of the words that had just come out of them. Searching his eyes, you pray he didn’t hear it. But eyes that were once clouded with euphoria were now overtaken with shock and disgust. 

You panic and push him off of your sweaty and naked body. Wincing at the sudden loss of his cock as cum oozes out of your pussy and trickles down your thighs. Not wanting to believe you just said that, you look up at the seahorse fairy lights on the ceiling wishing that they would come alive and carry you out to a galaxy far away.  

“What did you just say?” he asks, his voice raspy and low. Your heart pounds loudly in your chest, so loud that you could hear the thumping rhythm in your ears going...LUB... DUB... LUB... DUB... LUB... DUB. 

“What did you just say?” he repeats, and your blood drains from your face as you stare at nothing but the dim light coming through the sheets. Biting onto your bottom lip, you realize that there was no escaping this, that you would eventually have to tell him. And just as you say the words in your head, he pulls the covers off of your face in one quick motion. Your eyes widen, quickly locking onto the seahorses again, not daring to look at him.

“W-what,” you stutter as tight knots take over your stomach.

“Look at me y/n,” he growls...but you didn’t want to... you didn’t want to face him just yet, afraid of being rejected by the one guy you said those words to.

“It just slipped out, I didn't mean it...just forget I ever said that,” you say, trying your best to keep your cool but hearing as your voice cracks at the end.   

                                            ---------------------------

But if only you knew what was going through his head at that moment, that he didn't just want to forget about it. That all he wanted was to hear you say those words over and over again. Just like that, with you underneath him, your beautiful brown eyes glazed over and your soft lips curled up into a smile, pulling him closer as he filled you up with his cum. 

Wanting to use this as an opportunity to tell you that you were everything he had ever wanted, to tell you he felt the same way. That all he desired was to hold your hand, to wake you up with kisses every morning, to hold you when your nightmares struck, and dry your tears when you cried. That he wanted to do all those things and more because ever since you stepped foot inside the agency. Your small body soaked with blood from head to toe, a big smile on your face as if you hadn't just finished killing someone with those small bare hands of yours. Since that day he hasn't been the same and he hated you for it. Hated you for making him feel such strange feelings he thought he would never feel. 

It was frustrating to think that you could be the one to warm up his icy heart. How? When not even his mother or his brothers, the people who cared for him the most made him feel the way you did. He wanted to tell you the truth, to tell you that all his life he has tried his best to ignore his feelings for you, convincing himself that he could never like an annoying girl like you. 

To apologize for always breaking your toys and making you cry as if it was his full-time job. To tell you he didn't hate you, but the boys who played with you, held your hand and made you things during art class. To tell you he never understood why your face lit up every time they gave you something, that even if it was ugly or falling apart, you cherished it deeply. 

You seemed so strange to him, like an alien from a different world, that knew something he didn’t. How could a person be so kind yet so evil at the same time? He would ask himself, always trying to figure you out. While secretly wanting to see your face light up like that for him. To tell you that that was the reason he stayed up all night the day before your 12th birthday, making you a clay ring that looked like a frog because you were always jumping around. And just as he pushed the ring into your hands the next day... it happened. Your big brown eyes widened like a beaming sun on a summer day. Burning through his corneas, but he couldn’t look away as it was the prettiest sight he has ever seen. Then you smiled at him, a smile that made him feel things he couldn’t quite explain. 

That what he meant to tell you when he threatened to kill you if you told anyone about the ring was that he hoped you liked it. To tell you how he almost struck a bow into Jackson's head that same day when he caught him kissing you under the same place where he had given you the ring. Upset that you didn't even push him away, upset that he wasn't old Yoongi who would have felt indifferent and done nothing just because he didn’t have feelings. But he wasn't that Yoongi anymore, but one who suddenly felt hurt and betrayed just at the thought of you being someone else’s. 

He wanted to be your first kiss... just like you were his first everything. 

But even though he felt this way for you and wanted to tell you all these things. The walls he has built from years of conditioning, brainwashing, toxic relationships, near-death experiences, depression, and other issues he swears his brain blocks out to protect him. Keep pushing you away, not allowing you to get too close. 

Even though he’s always his best when he’s with you. He hopes you can find a better man one day, one who knows how to love you and treat you the right way.

 Now there was only one way of ending this and that was to hurt you, like always.

                                -------------------------------------

“We both agreed that this was just a sex thing, nothing more. We are assassins for god's sake, we know nothing about love,”

A chill runs down your spine and you knew you should have stayed quiet, but your traitor of a heart betrays you once again, “You're wrong...because if that was true I wouldn’t be feeling this way for you….tell me you feel nothing for me!” you cry out, your face turning hot. 

“Y/N what the fuck are you talking about, you were just a way for me to pass time. Shit of all the women I’ve fucked I would have never thought that... you, someone who is as lifeless and cold-hearted as I would be the one to say those words to me-” He pauses but continues, “I hope you're not getting confused with the other stuff we have been doing in here because if you are I should’ve just stayed with Juna or-” 

Before he could even finish his sentence, you strike him on the side of the face, so hard his head turns. Your hand tingles as it falls back onto your lap. You don’t realize, but you’re sitting up now, the sheets that were once hiding your upper body now pooled around your thighs. Your chest heaving up and down as you feel your eyes water. Angry at yourself for catching feelings for him, angry that you allowed yourself to be blinded by the moments you’ve both shared, mistaking it for fucking love. 

“You're a real piece of shit you know that right, how dare you bring her up right after I-... after I-...you know what Yoongi just leave, go fuck her for all I care,” You shout, biting onto your quivering bottom lip as you look at him. 

His hand is covering his right cheek where you had slapped him, but you could see the red hand mark from the gaps between his fingers. His furrowed brows accentuate the pale ridged scar that runs down from the top of his left brow and stops right in the middle of his cheek. His cold eyes glaring at you intently as the corners of his mouth turn into a smirk.

“Don’t worry, that’s where I’ll be tonight because you can’t honestly think, that you have been the only one I’ve been fucking all this time,” he says, venom dripping from his voice and you feel like throwing up. 

Putting your trembling hands into fists, ready to lunge at him, you stop yourself, a low chuckle escaping your shaky lips. He wasn’t fucking worth it, you should have known better, you should have stopped yourself before it got this far. “I'll burn this place down tomorrow,” You push the words out, trying to ignore the tightness in your throat.

You remove the frog-inspired clay ring from your ring finger, the one he had made for you when you had just turned 12. And place it on the bed beside him, your finger suddenly feeling naked without it. Not giving him a second glance you get off the bed, the cold air hitting your naked body traitorously. You pick up your clothes that were scattered around the floor, get dressed, and before you know it you are out the door. The cold air greeting you like a fake friend as you push your way through the thick fog. 

You make your way down the building and once in the comfort of your car;  you rest your head against the steering wheel and let your tears fall.

  -—-Flashback Ends----

                                                                                                                                       With a sigh, you pull out the lighter from your pocket, twirling it around your fingers as you stare up at the house. 

Remembering when you both found it, on top of an abandoned skyscraper in Busan. The day you were both forced by the chairwomen of the academy to go on a mission together, as a punishment for almost killing each other again in Poison lab 101. Threatening us that if the mission wasn’t a success that she would send us both to the basement and no matter how cold of a killer you were, no one wanted to go down there. It surprised you that locking the both of you in the basement wasn’t their first option. 

In all honesty, they should just lock Yoongi in the basement because he’s always the one to start fucking problems with you. Ever since you came to the agency at 7 years old, he’s always been such a dick to you, for no fucking reason. But as the years went by and you guess that as the dick grew bigger, he turned into an even bigger dick than before. There isn’t a day that goes by when we are not trying to kill each other. 

Like how last week Namjoon, the boss in charge of the baddies (aka the 3rd years) made the both of you clean the first year's locker room…. was that a good idea? No. Because we came out of there drenched from head to toe after fucking Yoongi tried to drown you in the hot tub, so you tried to drown him first, and of course, we got punished. You fucking hated everything about him, hated how he always got first in exams/training and you always made second. Hated how he always ruined your uniform, hated that smug fucking look on his face. And fuck, you hated how his exes or little crushes were always on your ass, telling you to stay away from their man and shit. Like bitch, you can fucking have him.

The mission was fairly quick and easy, and you knew Namjoon had to have chosen it. Knowing us that if we had to work together for more than an hour, we would kill each other for sure. To stop that from happening, we separated our mission into separate tasks, Yoongi was to take out the bodyguards who were on the lookout for anything suspicious, surrounding the abandoned book shop like statues. Not knowing that there was a shadow creeping up behind them like a thief in the night. Your job was to kill their boss called Mo, a big old wrinkly guy who ran an illegal organ trafficking business, and who was processing a transaction from two corrupted cops, on top of the shop's semi-slanted rooftop. The shop was just a few buildings down and the abandoned house you were in aided as the perfect hideout. In less than two minutes you had sniped them one by one with your pink bedazzled sniper, watching them fall to the ground like flies with blown-up heads. 

Then the unexpected happened. Before you could set your gun down, you sensed a presence behind you, and just as you turned around you were pushed against the wall by no other than Yoongi. He had splotches of blood on his face, almost making him look like the wings of a ladybug. His eyes clouded with lust and something else you couldn’t quite wrap your head around. You froze, your heart beating fast, as you stared at him confused. And before you could push him away, he kisses you, and you could have sworn you heard fireworks going off behind you. Your eyes close at the softness of his lips, which pull you deeper than any tidal wave. The stench of blood tickling your nose as he wrapped his arms around you. Holding you tight as if you’ll suddenly vanish. You couldn’t explain what you were feeling, but it almost felt as if you were soaring through a sky full of stars. Just as you breathe him in, he pulls away, his face flushed as he touches his lips in shock. Taken aback by his actions, you hear him mutter an apology. But before he could walk away, you pull him back into you. That same afternoon he took your virginity away on that dusty floor, in that abandoned house on top of a skyscraper.

And now you wish you hadn't let him take that one thing away from you----

Cocking your head to the side, you stare at the house, suddenly in awe at its unique beauty. It was a small house, the kind of house you would see in the countryside or by the beach. With vibrant wisteria that cascaded over the flat rooftop and arched window. A few green vines growing out of the bricks here and there. The house we had turned into our escape house, the place where we would go that wasn't our own homes or the agency. The place where all we did was take our pain and anger out on each other by fucking. 

Until it got rather strange and we sort of started to do things as if we were friends. It wasn't the same friendship/relationship like the one you had with Haemi and Mina, but it was okay. We did things, like read together, argue about why blank manga was better than the anime, indulge in ramen, chips, and candy at 3 am without having anyone tell us not to, play Overwatch, shit our pants while playing Amnesia, and binge-watch anime and Disney movies whenever we had the time. 

All our years of hatred for nothing.

With a sigh, you walk to the wooden door and push it open just to take one last look inside before it all turns to dust. The horrible paintings you both had painted still hanging on the wall above the bed. The makeshift bookshelf in the corner of the room was now empty after you came and rescued all the graphic novels and books, not having the heart to burn them. You glance at the two broken bean bag chairs by the window, the ones he had refused to throw away after we popped them during drunk sex. Pushing those memories to the far back of your mind, your eyes land on the black iron bed we got from IKEA, which had to be the best thing in there. It was the place where you always found him sprawled out, snoring with spit and all as he waited for you to get back from your mission. And of course, the bed where you had mind-blowing orgasms. 

Your thumb rolls against the spark wheel of the lighter in one swift motion, pushing down onto the ignition button until a vibrant flame appears. You rest your thumb firmly on the button to keep the flame alive as you rummage through your coat pocket and pull out a white piece of paper. Still not daring to step foot inside, you lean against the door frame and light up a corner of the crumbled paper. Watching as the flames race toward one another, hurrying to consume every inch of the paper. But before that could happen, you fling both the lighter and the paper somewhere inside the room and close the door. 

Moving a few feet back, you grab onto the fire extinguisher you had stolen from the agency last night and wait. A few minutes pass and still nothing...no smoke, no house engulfed in flames. But when you close your eyes you see it, the fiery inferno. The beautiful petals of the wisteria falling to the ground and turning into nothing. You could hear things falling, shattering, and popping from inside, the fire becoming bigger. Dark gray smoke escapes through the crumbling door and shattered window. Embracing you in a death grip, poisoning you slowly until all you see is black. 

“No,” you scream and open your eyes to see the house was still intact, no fire ablaze. Positioning the fire extinguisher on your arm, your feet moving on their own as you push open the door. Your eyes widening when you see that one bean bag was on fire and traveling up the side of the arched window, smoke slowly filling the room. Pulling out the safety pin, you take a hold of the black hose and squeeze down on the lever, aiming at both the bean bag and window. Watching the angry flames die down until there's nothing left, but a disfigured piece of burnt-up nylon and a half black window frame. You let out a breath you didn't know you were holding and set the fire extinguisher down.

You just couldn’t do it.

Your phone vibrates in your back pocket, and you pull it out, almost dropping it when you see the time--- 8:43 AM. Along with 10 unread messages from both Mina and Haemi, 3 missed calls from your brother, and a notification from Uber Eats saying you had 8 dollars off your next order. 

“Ooh nice I can get a pizza or some---fuck this is not the time for that.. I’m late,” You freak out already seeing Namjoon, Kai, Sora, and Haemi’s dark ominous faces as they cut your eyeball into 8 equal pieces and eat it with some dipping sauce. Fuck, the more you think about it, the more you realize that that is something they would do. You grimace at the taught, wondering why you choose to traumatize yourself like that.

“You're not normal,” the little voice in your head finally shows up to clarify that you're indeed not sane.

 Closing the door behind you, your combat boots are heavy on your feet as you run across the rooftop. Making it to the edge, you look up at the sky seeing that it has now cleared up and turned into a soft blue. A bright yellow sun peeking out from behind a sea of fluffy white clouds. 

Swinging your right leg off the roof, you jump. Watching a distorted image of yourself in the dusty windows of the skyscraper as you free fall. Your hair is flying all over the place, slapping you in the face and getting into your mouth. Until it stays put in a Goku-like hairstyle when he turns into a Super Saiyan. A chuckle escapes your lips at that and you close your eyes, enjoying how the cool breeze feels like gentle kisses against your skin. And just as if it was a natural-born instinct, you swipe your finger against the rim of your heart-shaped Daith, activating your magnetic levitation shoes. Opening your eyes, you grin when you see you were just a few millimeters from the concrete ground. Silently thanking Haemi for being such a genius and making you these for your Bday. Landing successfully, you tap your finger against the rim of your Daith two times to turn it off. 

Wasting no time, you run across the desolate street to where you had parked Kai’s black motorcycle, putting on your helmet you hover over it, zooming out of this ghost town and into emerging traffic hoping to make it to the agency before 9:00 AM.

——

 9:05 AM

You slip through the doors of the main conference room that was always empty except for important days like this one. The room crowded to the point you couldn’t even see the long oval mahogany table in the middle. Chiming your way through you try your best not to bump into your colleagues, knowing how grumpy they usually were in the morning. Your eyes frantically searching for Haemi and Mina, but everyone was wearing the same fucking thing: a black hoodie and black jeans. As if we all had agreed to wear the same outfit today, the night before. A smile creeps onto your lips right as you catch sight of them standing near the front next to Boss. But before you could go any further, a hand grabs your arm and pulls you away.

“Why are you late? The meeting ends in like 5 minutes?... Didn’t I wake you up this morning and tell you to get here before me, Mina even told me she saw you leave around 6... what the fuck took you so long!” Kai scolded you quietly as he bombarded you with questions.

Damn, you spent 4 hours contemplating on burning that fucking house and in the end did nothing.

Kai pulled you to the far back of the room, stopping next to a small table filled with sweet pastries and four boxes of hot coffee. Made of course by the sweetest/deadliest grandmas in the world, aside from the chairwomen. They shouldn't even be in charge of the academy's bakery due to their obsession with poisoning people. 

But no one has died yet...so people like you who enjoy balancing their lives on a thin line instead of making their own coffee and sweets or going into the city to a normal bakery with normal owners who aren't psychopaths. Like some of your semi-sane classmates would do...still nothing could ever beat their rice pancakes topped with edible flowers and honey. In all seriousness, you would die for those. Your mouth waters just at the thought, your stomach begging you to give it something to eat. Reaching over the table, you grab a foam cup just for it to be slapped out of your hands within seconds.

You gasp and turn to your brother ready to kill him watching as he picks up the cup from the ground. Crushing it in his hands as quietly as he could, the squeaky sound making your eye twitch. He signals for you to stand by him and you roll your eyes as you walk two steps and lean on the wall beside him. 

“You know you can’t drink fucking coffee on the days we have missions...especially not today, do you want to be shitting yourself all day?” He questions, his bushy brows furrowed as he crosses his arms across his chest. You stay quiet, not knowing what to say. Of course, you didn't want to shit your pants, but why did he have to do your cup like that, you weren't even going to use it for coffee. You were just going to fill it up with rice pancakes because there weren't any plates or napkins.

  Kai suddenly sniffs your hoodie and you raise an eyebrow, looking at him weirdly. “Why do you smell like smoke?” 

You were about to fidget with your ring but then you realize it wasn't there, “I almost burned a house down,” you tell him blankly. 

He does a double-take, making sure he heard right, “Wait what...you did what, why?”

You shrug him off and before he could keep nagging you; he gets interrupted by Namjoon’s booming voice. Kai looks at you with the look of we’re going to finish this conversation at a later time.

“Ok, I'll see you all at the venue, be on time!” Namjoon shouts and everyone disperses, some leaving while the risk-takers stop by the table to grab a cup of coffee and sweets. 

Some of your friends came up to you and congratulated you and before you could ask them for what they would just leave. And then there was the fucking Juna’s of the class who stared at you with utter hatred, something that wasn’t new to you. But you flipped them off anyway, not understanding the fucking memo. 

“Kai, what are people congratulating me for, what did I do?” You ask as you turn to him, he shrugs and stays quiet, ignoring you. 

You catch sight of Haemi running towards you at full speed and you spread your arms apart, hitting Kai in the face as you do so. You hear him groan as Haemi melts into them. She wraps her arms around your waist and squeezes you tightly. Satisfied at the sound of your bones crushing, she loosens her grip. Her arms now on your shoulder blades as she looks at you quizzically, a frown making its way onto her lips.   

“Why were you late and why didn't you answer our messages... NamNam is fucking angry at you,” She says through clenched teeth as she turns to look at something in the distance, biting onto her lips her face flushes into a bright pink color. You didn't even have to follow her gaze to know that she was staring at Namjoon and fantasizing about her fake dirty relationship with him. You nudge at her arm and she turns to you, now with a mischievous grin.

“y/n my panties are all soaked because of him... oh did I tell you my dildo came in this morning and I named it after him...dude, I fucking squirted all over--” Kai clears his throat making it known that he was right next to us.

“Ay! go away if you don't want to listen, this is some very important info I’m catching y/n on,” Haemi says as she shoos him away with her hand, but he stays put against the wall.

You raise a brow at her, certainly not wanting to hear about how she squirted on her Namjoon dildo. All you wanted to know was why Namjoon was angry at you---

Ah shit, and then it dawns on you... that you missed the 6 am meeting.

“Omg y/n I’m going to kill you for not answering, oh and congrats--” Mina appears with a steaming cup of coffee in her hand. Kai puts his arm over her shoulders and whispers something in her ear. She looks at you for a split second and then nods. 

Before you could ask her why she was congratulating you, Namjoon’s voice rips through the air again. “Y/n and Yoongi, can you both come here now,” 

Your breath hitched in your throat as this could only mean one of two things. We were in trouble—which couldn't be right because we haven't seen or talked to each other for 4 weeks. Then it could only mean—- that he was going to assign us to work together in today’s mission.

“Well, I guess we'll see you at the venue,” Kai says. Haemi squeezes your shoulder and with a wink she lets you go. You watch them walk away, wanting to tell them not to leave you. 

With a sigh, you turn on your heel and walk towards Namjoon who is now sitting at the end of the oval table. His head is down, his fingers drumming loudly on top of his black manila folder. The room was empty now, as the voices from outside became less and less. 

Your eyes search the dim-lit room for Yoongi, but you don't see him and you feel a little better. Namjoon clears his throat and your eyes land back on him. Without looking at you, he signals you to stand by him. You do as he says, seeing a hooded Yoongi appear from the shadows and stand next to you. 

“Awe fuck,” you groan in your head.

“Why were the both of you late today when I clearly said to be here at 6 am before the meeting started,” He says, his voice strict and eerily low. 

You say nothing and neither does Yoongi. Namjoon stops drumming his fingers and leans back against the chair, resting his arm on either side. He moves robotically in slow technical movements until his face is facing forward, his eyes locking onto yours. With a gaze of a snake, waiting for you to say the wrong thing to snap. 

You open your mouth, but no words come out, unsure of what to say when it was your fault for forgetting about the meeting. 

“I was busy,” Yoongi announces in a rather bored tone.

Namjoon taps his finger again, now against the armchair, the taps sounding softer than the rigid ones on the table. 

“Hmm, what were you busy with… little brother? was it with the girl Jimin told me you had over...Keep messing around and I’ll tell father to teach you a lesson.” Namjoon snapped.

You feel a stinging pain in your heart, but you try your best to ignore it. Yoongi says nothing but shrugs.

“What’s your excuse,” He asks you now.

“I burned a house down,” You lied wanting to get a reaction out of him but got nothing. He just stood there, his face hidden by his black hoodie, unbothered. 

“Why?... instead of getting your ass here on time, you decide to do that. You know what if the both of you pull this shit again, to the basement it is,” 

A chill runs down your spine and you focus on the piece of paper that was stuck under the wheels of his chair.

“You both are getting married...with each other,” he exclaims. The corners of his mouth twitch upwards, almost as if he was about to smile, but he doesn't.

You choke on your spit and cough loudly, staring at Namjoon as if he has lost his mind. Ah, this was what they were congratulating you for, for this shit.

“You have to be fucking kidding,” Yoongi shouts, and you could hear the anger in his voice. 

“What? This is perfect... I've seen that you guys have stopped fighting for a while now, so this will be easy peasy,” 

You shake your head no, that he's got it all wrong.

“Anyway, remember the bride and the groom I made each of you study for these past few weeks...You guys are going to be them.”

“What! but isn't there already a groom and a bride?” you ask, thinking back to your notes, pretty sure that there was a bride and a groom already.

“Ah, about that… If you both would have come on time, we would have more time to discuss...But long story short, we killed them off because it was just going to complicate stuff. Plus, you both kinda look like them and with the power of makeup those old fucks won’t even know the difference,” 

Your mouth drops, taken back by the subtlety in his voice. Why the fuck would they kill them when the plan was to kill them at the wedding. The sound of a clap brings you out of your thoughts.

 Namjoon is now standing, Manila folder in hand as he looks inside it, humming an upbeat tune.

“I don’t want to fucking marry this asshole!” 

“I don’t want to fucking marry you either!” he fires back.

“Silence, it’s fucking fake you both are acting as if this was real... it’s not. By afternoon tomorrow, everything will be back to normal.” 

You look at the sparkly marble floor, pressing your lips into a tight line.

“Before you both leave to get dressed, I want to say a few things… you both know how each of them acted towards each other, I even made you both a list of the things I need to see happen at the wedding which will be in your rooms. You both can study your vows while they do your makeup or in the car… Yoongi as the boy you studied remember that he is possessive, he is crazy about his woman and all that toxic bullshit which I’m sure you’re good at….Oh and one last thing, the bride’s father is a creep and is going to come and check the morning of after you guys fake sex or you can-“

“No,” you both shout in unison, and Namjoon looks at you guys weirdly. 

“Chill I was just going to say to drip a bit of fake blood on the bed that will be in the room already. So that when he comes in with his wife to see you know what to do… well, take care of the rest,”

“Don’t disappoint...have fun, enjoy the 1-day honeymoon, and sorry I didn’t tell you both sooner.  I just didn’t want the both of you to kill each other before the wedding...now get the fuck out,” he said with a crooked smile, falling back onto the chair as he pointed at the door.

[everythingblreview]

Slow Damage review 2.0 Part 2

Fujieda Towa’s route (True route)

I said before that Fujieda’s route is my favourite and the reason why is simple, because this route is actually Towa’s route, and Towa was for me, always the most interesting character in this game. The god endings of the other routes never left me satisfied, something always felt wrong.

Like it normal in bl games the other 3 routes were focused on the love interested, but this was different. From the beginning Towa was always different compared to other bl protagonist, and it was easy to tell that he had suffer some kind of a trauma. The Towa we met in the beginning is a broken person, he is not interested in other people, he doesn’t care when or if he dies, he lets himself get violated and raped (which he apparently “likes”) and he is not interested in any form of love. From the beginning on I wanted to know the reason for it and the reality of it was a lot darker than I could have ever imagine.

(For this review I’m going to summaries the route and write my opinion while I go on)

 The route starts out completely different, Towa “killed” someone the first time using [euphoria], and this changes the flow of the story (chapter 0)

Towa gets a package with things that are connected to his past. Looking at it Towa health condition imminently gets bed, his way of dealing with it is like always, getting violated and raped by guys. Some short time later we learn that Taku knows something about Towa past that he won’t tell, even going as far as to burn his mail so Towa doesn’t look into it future (Not really nice of you Taku). Towa feels really lost in this moment, because he can’t trust his friends and his nightmares he always has, get worse to the point he is scared of them.

In these hard times he first meets Fujieda for the first time. At first neither Fujieda or Towa trust each other, for Towa he and Fujieda live in completely different worlds, but after Towa finds out that Fujieda has information that could have a connection to his past, the two of them decide to work together. (It interesting that Fujieda still doesn’t trust Towa at this point while Towa does, he also acts like a very serious person like you imagine a megane to be but I find it funny that he never used polite language with Towa while he does it with anyone else) Anyway Towa mentions that he can’t read Fujieda at all, because his smoke is completely white (something Towa never seen before) and doesn’t show any kind of distortion.

The two then proceed to do more research about Towa’s past and at some point the end up in Fujieda’s apartment because of heavy rainfall after being chased and nearly shot. Here we learn that Fujieda is maybe not that all different from Towa because his body is also full of scars like Towa’s.

For Towa it changes everything, because he never seen someone with a body like his, and for the first time he begins to show interested in Fujieda and his secrets. (We also learn that Fujieda is not a real megane, and a total hottie) After they watch some TV show involving a red room Towa remembers his nightmare (the one he always has about a dark red room) and decides to talk to Fujieda about his nightmare. (At this point you can see that he trust Fujieda enough to talk about his nightmares)

Later they return to the clinic and here we see Taku being called out by Fujieda, for keeping the things he knows a secret even though he knows that Towa is suffering. (Finally, someone that acknowledge that Towa is suffering from his current lifestyle, it was always hard to see them just ignoring the horrible stuff Towa does to himself), after some discussion Taku tells them Towa’s real name (yes his name is fake btw), hearing it triggers Towa so much that he passes out (imagine how traumatized one must be to pass out only by hearing his real name).

The next day they find out from a woman that worked with Towa’s mother in the past, that she was involved in some dark business involving child traffic and that the child Fujieda is looking for was a victim of it and was killed in the process. (Later we learn the „sister“ that Towa thought he had, was this girl and actually the sister of Fujieda) This information breaks Fujieda, who was looking all his life for his sister, after her mother sold her, and he completely flips and attacks Towa after they meet in the park again, even going as far as choking and raping him. Which only amuses Towa who is used to it (and wants that kind of treatment).

(Honestly I was not really happy that they included rape, while I understand that Fujieda doesn’t get at this point yet that Towa was also a victim and that he is devastated because his sister, he has been searching for was dead all along, was it really necessary to include rape? The only thing I can say what was not all too bad about it, is that we saw that he is also not a perfect human being and makes mistakes too. Still there was no need to include rape, beating Towa would have been enough but I guess this is a bl game after all …)

Anyway, here we see for the first time that Fujis smoke is changing and is now turning pink/red (whatever you call it).

Some stuff happened, Fujieda’s office get attacked, Towa finds a picture in it after sneaking into it, of the girl (and please look at baby fuji), Fujieda is looking for and he gets a headache from it again. After he meets Fuji (Fuji tells Towa that he will not apologise for his doings and I was not really happy with that statement and only forgive him because I know that he is not that kind of a person and he regrets it, [will explain more later on], also please notice that Fujieda’s smoke is now a pastel pink colour) and they decide to continue to work together. (Towa likes that this is relationship is only based on cooperation without any feelings involved oh honey you got a big storm coming)

The next day, Taku gets kidnapped by Madarme all of the love interested meet up in the deathmatch area, Madarame who is here of course to fuck shit up, fights Fuji for whatever reason, which is not really to Towa’s liking because Madarame is overpowered, so he tries to protect Fuji and gets hit in the process. (look at Towa trying to protect his future boyfriend) Madarame loses all interested, tells Towa he changed and leaves into the sunset to be never seen again, but not before telling Towa that if he want to know about his past he should look in that western style mansion he shows him (this scene annoyed me because Madarame tells Towa that he “changed” but he is not that all different from Towa in Madarame’s route the only difference is that Madarame could not manipulated Towa into thinking he is like he was in the past) After that Fuji and Towa decide to visit the western style mansion, where Towa finally remembers his past, that he was treated as a tool by his mother and sold to customers that did all the horrible things to a child no one even wants to think about, and Fujiedas sister was with him at the time, and she was the one that tried to help him and they tried to escape together but failed, which led to her getting killed. Remembering his past really broke Towa, because his reason to stay alive was his wish to see and draw the desire of people, but it turns out that this was all manipulation by his mother and that he had been doing the same horrible stuff she done (fulfil the desire of disgusting people, that abuse children) without even knowing it and he, for the first time in his life feels guilty because the girl that was helped him and was his only light in the dark please was dead while he is still alive. He wishes that she was alive instead of him. (You can see how much Towa liked her, probably the first person Towa had strong feelings for, she is the one that helped him in this horrible time. Towa was a really quiet kid, and he never went against his mother but she was the reason he tried to break free from her chains). After he understands he goes out trying to completely distract himself like he always does by getting raped and violated. (This scene was so horrible I could barely deal with it)

Towa’s mind works completely different how a healthy person would react. He was abused as a child and the only thing he could do was to accept it, after he lost his memory he stills to continue to get abused because it’s the only thing he know, it’s his way to deal with his trauma, by repeat it again and again. From the beginning he tells us that he doesn’t want love, he only wants to be treated as a tool, because this is what was always done to him, his love for violence is not real, it’s only a reflection of the abuse he went through. He has no desire to use violence on others, he only wants it for himself. (I really like the writing in the parts where Towa got violated because while Towa himself sells us that he likes it, the writing makes it sounds like deep down he actually doesn’t like it) A big part of his personality is not real, it something made up but his mother and the question is who is the real Towa, what makes Towa, Towa? This is something he probably wonders himself in the moment. And since he was confronted with his past, his way of dealing of it, does not work anymore and the only thing that could satisfy his desire is… death. (From the beginning of the game I always had a feeling that at some point, he will break at will try to kill himself, and sadly it came true. The scene is probably saddest in the game because you can really feel how he reached an end, nothing is holding him back anymore, he is all calm when he is confronted with idea of dying…luckily never happens because in the moments Fujieda burst in the room.

(He is the only person who could save Towa in this moment) Fujieda tells him that he should not throw his life away because this isn’t something his sister wanted, who tried to protect Towa and that her last wish before being killed was for Towa to live. He also tells Towa that he was attracted to him from the beginning, but he was scared because he knew that he and Towa where the same but he didn’t want to admit it because it would mean admitting his existence is miserable like Towa’s, but he just could not leave Towa alone. (This confession)

After making sure Towa is not trying to die anymore, he put him in the bath, because Towa tried to light himself on fire using oil on himself and he is all beaten up from before. (I like how atmosphere changes here, the music changes the room gets brighter, you can really feel like the heavy weight is lifted from them).

Fujieda washes Towa hair and talks about the time he did with his sister  (you can really feel that Towa already became an important person to him already) he treats him very gentle and asked him if anything hurts, and gets really angry when he says the “traces” left by the men that raped him, and tells him not to do it anymore (finally someone said it) after Fuji tries to wash Towa’s body, Towa pulls him close and asks him to show him his scars, and he does (this scene is really beautiful because they standing facing each other naked bodies covered in scars, like a mirror) and Towa touches his scars and say they are the same, (like he finally found someone that he can related to, he also looks very vulnerable in this scene) after looking at his scars, he just kissed him, not even knowing why. Lucky for him Fujieda returns his kiss and this leads to them having a passionate moment on Towa bed. (Normally I don’t talk about the sexy times on in my reviews, because it’s more of a fanservice moment in games, but here it’s different)

Normally Towa only goes for violence during sex and doesn’t like gentleness (because he feels nothing), but with Fujieda who has sex skills over 9000 it was the first time that gentleness felt good to him, (Probably because it was the first time, he did it with someone he is attracted to) he also never experienced painless sex and doesn’t even know it can feel good and was really surprised by this unknow feeling. I also like that they keep on kissing each other’s scars, like they wanted to comfort each other (even though Fujieda didn’t like Towa doing it because he, unlike Towa, hates his scars). The scene is really focused on what they are feeling rather than just the actual act itself, and it’s just really wholesome and cute.

After they are done the sit awkwardly on the bed, thinking about what they just did (They sure didn’t expect it to happen, but the moment was right and they just let their feeling go).  Fuji asked him about his love for scares, because he himself can’t understand it, he also asked if it felt good for Towa lmao no confident in his over 9000 sex skills, Towa tells him that it was the first time he felt like that and that it scared him, but it also felt extremely good. (Love a honest man) After that he tells Towa about his past that he and his sister were abused by their parents and his sister later sold by their mother, and Fujieda did everything to search for her. He worked as host in the beginning, earning enough money from his rich costumers to study (he basically was a male prostitute) and later become a lawyer. That’s why they he understands Towa so well because they share the same horrible past and are directly linked to each other by his sister. Also Fujieda’s name is fake like Towa his real name is Yuzuki Minato(first name) Fujieda also suggest for them to support each other rather than licking each other wounds (so it doesn’t sounds like they are just using each other), and when Towa asks him if he want to have this kind of relationship with him he gets all blushy. (Look at him who would have thought that behind this serous looking guy is a gently but very shy man).

Important thing to notice here is, that Fujieda’s smoke changed after this scene and is now completely pink/red and it’s the exact colour that Towa has, Towa also tells him that he can see smoke of people in this scene (I loved how they include this colour transformation, the more his smoke got pink/red the more we saw his real personality, and that his and Towa colour is the same, it’s like they are fated to be). They agree to start this kind of relationship and Towa gives him a little kiss to seal this promise. (Btw Towa always initiates everything, all their kisses and even the sex, Fujieda stop being shy)

The next day Taku asks Towa if he eat something delicious, because his face that looks dead normally, now has colour to it (thanks Taku, he had the best food you can have:love and affection), later on they decide to look for the person, who sent Towa the package and Towa ends up with Rei at Sakakis apartment, where Towa gets kidnapped by Sakaki and Eiji (never trusted him). They bring him back to the mansion, where Towa was abused by his mother, and Sakaki (who is a big piece of trash and adores his trash mother) tortures him by playing his mother voice recording, telling him because he killed his mother, he has to become his mother now. Apparently, Towa pushed her down the stairs, after she attacked him with a knife because he tried to escape with Fujieda’s sister. (I really like how small Towa who never went against his mother, for the first time in his life went against her, you can really see how much influence Fujieda’s sister had on him, even breaking him free from the chains of his mother. And that Fujieda and his sister both had an important role in Towa’s life) Before something can happened Fujieda shows up (our hero) to save Towa, the situation escalates and Fujieda ends up fighting Sakaki, who pulled out a gun try to shoot him.  I loved how Towa, who normally never cares for people tries everything even though his hand are tied up, to protect Fujieda from being shot, you can really see how important he is now to Towa). The scene ends and with Towa acting like his mother tricking Sakaki (he got this idea from Fuji, who he can understand perfectly now even without a lot of communication) and Sakaki falling down the stairs to his death (yay happy end <3). Towa and Fujieda can finally both go home and get treated because they both got shot. Some days later they went back to the mansion, after getting a hint from Eiji, to look for his mother diary (some pages of the diary were sent to Towa). Here we find out Towa birthday (he didn’t know it himself) and that his mother did love him but she was a monster that could not control her horrible desire and that she always felt alone, after reading it Towa end up crying (this poor child) and Fujieda hold him to comfort him. Credit roll

Fast forward half a year later, Towa now lives with Fujieda (yay happy husband life) because he now helps Fujieda with work so they decide that living together would be better and totally not because they are interested in each other of course, also Fujieda is a bad cook, so bad that he even burns scrambled egg (lol). Towa also stops painting after completing Fujieda’s painting, but Fujieda, who is a supportive and loving boyfriend, encourages him to draw more, because his painting will be now free from his mother influence. Towa also ends up losing his ability to see the smoke of people and the colour that he always saw in his vision are also gone (so the colour was always something his mental state projected and not real) Around a month later the visit the beach together because they never went to the beach, and Fujieda tell him since both of their childhood were so horrible they never had such experience and now he want them to experience it together (asdfd why is this so cute) he also accidentally ends up implying that they are married but doesn’t understand it of course because he is a social awkward person and his way of speaking too hard lol. Anyways it ends with them playing in the water and plashing water at each other faces like small children. Still not the end, in the last scene Towa (with his husband of course) visits the shop of the grandma (best side character btw), who sells snacks. And there is this one painting that for Towa was always a black canvas, but it all colourful now. Turns out this painting was bought by his mother for him, and it inspired him to start drawing and all the time he could not see it. He wonders if the sky is such a colour and that he sees the true colour of it now, and most important, for the first time in his life he really feel alive. The end

At this point I was really crying, imagine how horrible your life must be if you never even felt like you were alive, this end scene really shows the greatness of the game, because here you finally understand what you just saw and how great this experience was (at least for me it was like that). I love this scene so much.

When you play the game the first time, after this last scene and the credit roll the room in the start menu that always been dark will turn completely bright like it tells you that Towa is finally free from the darkness. There are more metaphors with darkness and brightness in the game I noticed, Towa’s room is dark in the beginning, and he never opens his windows, but guess who does in one scene, Fujieda. Opening the windows bringing change in the room, also everything in Fujieda’s apartment is dark or just black, his windows are shut with black curtains, but we see in the end when they stared living together that their home is bright with white furniture and big open windows. And one more thing I notice, the credit roll has a black background but in the true route it’s white. I really like it that they made it like this.

Next up for the character analysis

We know a big part of Towa’s personality is an influence by his mother or something made from his trauma, but what part is the real Towa we see? And I want to talk about the part what make Towa such a great character not involving his trauma. A big part why I like him has to do (and I noticed it even more in the replay) with him being extremely smart. He has that what other protags are missing: a brain. I loved how smart he was, there is no scene in the game where I would say he acts dumb, he knows what he is doing. In Rei’s route he knew something was wrong with Mizuno, and he even tricked him into revealing his true self. In the first chapter he knew that Ikuina sent him the flower, in Takus route he knew that he was kidnapped to blackmail Taku, and what to do to get out of the situation. In the true route after he remembered his past, he understands instantly that he was manipulated by his mother. I really respect him for it. Another part I like about him is that he is honest, he is not a tsundere, he will always say his honest opinion, he also has no shame and no problem with admitting he likes and wants sex. Even when he has a problem with liking people, he does cares about the one that are close to him in his own way. Also, he is a fun person and likes to make jokes with his friends. Because of his trauma he has no understanding the feeling of “love” and “like” and almost never says he likes something (he only ever said he likes scars), him actually starting a relationship with people only worked because it was always someone that has been close to him a long time. (In Fujieda’s case it was because their similarities, because of that they could understand better than anyone else from the love interests, and their past is connected through Fujieda’s sister, so they are indirectly linked from the beginning). Unexpectedly he can be really cute sometimes, I didn’t expect him to blush at all but he did. From the beginning you may not think it, but Towa is a really calm person. He never screams, never curses, he avoid fights and is not extremely social, still he does seems to enjoy hanging out with his friends. He is a great artist and I enjoyed his paintings.

One last thing I really like about Towa and what differentiates him from a lot of other protagonists, he acts and feels like an adult. Compared to N+C last main character Aoba who is still very childish, Towa does not feel like a child at all, giving him a totally different atmosphere.  

Fujiedas personality is not that all different to Towa, they are similar any many ways and it’s a reason why they work together. It’s funny how they tried to make him look like he is the serious megane even introducing him as someone who looks down on Towa and you really think in the beginning, he is liked that, but he is completely different. He is a hardworking person that doesn’t like to lose and sometimes comes of a little hard in the way he speaks, but in reality, he is just a very social awkward person with trust issues. From his backstory we can assume he probably didn’t have anyone that was close to him beside his sister like in no friends, and that since he has this trust issue he never let anyone near his heart. He is just not used to talking open with someone and this shows in the way he speaks and if really funny sometimes, he is also a little shy because of it. I love how gentle and caring he is after he finally opened up to Towa. Like Towa, he is honest person and also doesn’t understand the feeling of love I read that some people say that Fujieda feels like a side character and the story would work without him, I completely disagree with it. The feeling of him of a side character comes from the fact that people are just not used for the story to focus on the main character of the game and is always dealing with the problem of the love interest, but here it’s focused on Towa also on Fujieda but Fujieda’s only problem in life is his missing sister, nothing else is there to “fix” about him. In the first place the story was always about Towa, in the routes before you could reach happiness for the other characters and not Towa but this time everything is focused on Towa’s happiness. Because there is so much story in the true route the part where it’s focused on the relationship between them is short. The most important part is the before and after sex talk if you really want to understand their relationship.

The true route would also never work with the other characters, it only works because of Fujieda. He is the main key for the story and for Towa. He is someone Towa can relate to, he understands Towa and Towa understand him, no one else can related to Towa on this level. He pushes Towa to go forward and calls all the other out for not helping Towa, he is the support Towa needs in his life to get over his past, without him everything would fall apart in this route. The theme of the route is “equal”, and it fits them so well because they are always equal, no matter what they do. There is no one that is standing about the other, no top/bottom dynamic, they always do everything to be equal to each other. They have the perfect healthy relationship. Important to mention here is that we may thing Fujieda saved Towa, but Towa also saved Fujieda, fitting their theme. If you replay the game, there is a scene in the beginning where Fujieda tell that for him this world is nothing more than hell for him, and Towa frees him from it.

Last I would like to say that I like how the hinted at the story from the beginning on in every route (which you don’t notice the first time you play it) like with Towa’s nightmare and how he always felt drawn to children but he didn’t know why and that every aspect of the routes connected in the end. I really like games that keep the secret of the story hidden until the end, (some may say that it’s stupid that only the true route had it but that’s the point of a true route) and while all other pairings are also canon, I’m glad that they are the true pairing and the true end of the game. For me there is no better happy end I could have wished for.

[itsamejin]

it’s you || part 1 || taehyung angst/fluff || hanahaki au

Part 2

Summary: You’d rather live with thorns endlessly scratching the back of your throat than be devoid of the light that Taehyung brought into your life. Even if your love for him was slowly killing you, you didn’t mind as long as you could keep the warmth of his presence until the very end.

Warning: Mentions of throwing up, coughing up blood, death, some slight violence

Genre: Fluff, Angst, hanahaki!au, college!au, fuckboy!tae

Premise: Hanahaki Disease comes in different forms in this universe. The disease would eventually disappear if your love wasn’t that strong to begin with, but if you truly, deeply love someone, your flowers will rip at your throat. Throwing up flowers wasn’t a rare occurrence and for most people it disappeared after a few days. If Hanahaki persists, surgery is recommended, but it would severely dull the positive emotions of the person under surgery. Due to this, some choose to die with their unrequited love. 

Commission Request: @guksflavor

Word Count: 8,313 words

—

Taehyung was obnoxiously handsome, too handsome to be a normal guy majoring in Psychology at one’s local university. Often mistaken for a celebrity, frequently breaking girl’s hearts, Taehyung was known as the campus “flower boy”. 

It was never meant as a term of endearment. In fact, it offended Taehyung deeply when people would whisper about his private life as if he was incapable of hearing the slight jabs to his character. The nickname came from the notorious fact that Taehyung would cause several people to spit out flower petals from his mere presence alone.

It was the common case of “love at first sight”, a kind that never lasted very long after getting to know him. 

Of course, throwing up petals was the first sign of the feared Hanahaki Disease, but it was never that serious when it came to Taehyung. The flowers would stop after a day or two and the girls who convinced themselves that Taehyung would be their future husband soon realized that their feelings never reached below the surface. 

Their love was shallow, for no one really loved Taehyung outside of his good looks and he didn’t really mind. 

Why should he when he hasn’t fallen in love either?

That’s why he was thankful for you and the rest of his close friends who scoffed at his blatant attempts at flirting. He was grateful for you helping him study or telling creepy girls off when they got a little too close to him at parties. He liked that you rejected his advances and that you cared deeply for him despite his tendency to annoy you. He appreciated having a friend that just... wanted to be a friend.

So why were you in the campus restroom stall, for the fifth time that week, spilling your guts out into the toilet? Why were you grasping at the wall, holding onto it for dear life, as you stared at a striking bundle of yellow flowers coated in toilet water? Why did you cry at the sight of beautiful and fully bloomed daffodils?

You swallowed back the incoming wave of discomfort but it kept coming. All because you couldn’t help but have your heart flutter when he put a hand on your shoulder. Your mind swam in thoughts of him and you weren’t quite sure if you could go on like this. If you could continue to want someone when it only brought you pain.

Why were you in love with Kim Taehyung when that was the last thing he wanted from you?

—

“Want to see something cool?” Taehyung asked, sprawled on your living room floor next to you. It was one of those lazy days you had with him, the kind that was only meant to be enjoyed by friends.

“No.”

Taehyung gave you a dirty look but sat up anyways.

“I’ve been working on my flexibility lately,” he chided. “I can touch my toes for 30 seconds now.”

You closed your eyes and gave him a fake smile.

“Good for you,” you sighed. Sometimes Taehyung had too much energy that you couldn’t match up with. You liked to humor him on days like this when he got extra pouty.

“So you’re not even gonna look?” he said, feigning sadness. 

You rolled your eyes behind closed eyes and sat up to face him. You regret opening your eyes because his face was far too close to yours. You would have given him a flower shower right when your eyes locked.

“What was that?” he chuckled. “You looked like you saw a ghost or something. Am I that scary to look at?”

He squeezed your cheeks with both hands and you attempted to pull away from him, only to have him squeeze harder.

“Yes, you’re hideous,” you said through broke sentences. “A beast. You look like a half-eaten mango.”

Taehyung burst out in laughter and let go as he let himself collapse back on the floor. He was that confident in his looks to not mind your snide comments.

“That’s rich coming from you,” he cackled.

You glared at him and hit his stomach with your fist, earning a big ‘oof’ from the oversized child in front of you.

“Say one more word and I will never set you up on that date with my friend,” you threatened, hurt that you had to mention another girl for Taehyung to quit his laughing.

“I’m sorry my queen,” he said dramatically, pretending to kneel at your feet. “I have wronged you.”

You scoffed at his antics and pinched his ear as he wailed for you to stop.

“This is what you get for being stupid,” you said through his cries for help. You lifted his head up to your face and was met with a dazzling grin. Why did he have to smile like that towards you? Why did he lead you on in the most innocent way possible?

“You love when I’m stupid though,” he teased, attempting to tickle your sides.

‘I love you even when you’re not stupid,’ you yearned to say out loud, but the words never escaped your lips.

—

As the days passed it was getting harder and harder to speak. The thorns of some of the flowers made permanent etch marks in the back of your throat. You could muster yourself to sound normal on most days, but just earlier you had thrown up a dozen roses at a small social gathering and the embarrassment and pain had become unbearable. 

You wished there was an easy explanation for your pain, but any time you tried to voice your thoughts out loud, you felt suffocated.

Your friends had noticed pretty early on that you had Hanahaki, but like everyone else, they thought it would disappear just as quickly as it came. Taehyung probably would have noticed if it weren’t for him being so desensitized to the disease that he never even bat an eye when you’d excuse yourself from the bathroom every time you two hung out.

He was the naive type, the one that needed to have it spelled out to him when an explanation was due. Maybe that’s why your heart would hurt so much at the thought of telling him about your condition. It would probably break him if he knew.

“[Y/N], at this point in time it’s imperative that you get surgery,” your doctor said sternly, twisting around in his chair. “It’s not safe to continue on without treatment.”

When the three month grace period passed, it was strongly recommended for you to get the surgery before your vocal cords were damaged beyond repair. 

If you continued to suffer from Hanahaki, death would be awaiting any moment.

“I know,” you said softly. “I’m willing to take that risk.” 

You had your reasons for not wanting surgery. It’s not like you wanted to die, but getting the procedure came with its consequences. Emotions would not come easily and there would be an absence of love in your life... not just for the person you have feelings for, but for everyone around you. So here you were, six months in and losing your voice more and more as the days went by. You were aware of what awaited you next.

You would know. Your mom went through the same procedure.

“You’re very young,” your doctor started, sighing at your stubbornness. “I know that this is a difficult situation, but getting this surgery will save your life. I can’t force you to change your mind, but I want you to weigh your options.”

You nodded at him but tuned out his words as to not be convinced. You couldn’t bear to see Taehyung as just another face, no longer finding the meaning behind his smile, no longer seeing the beauty in his movements. You would rather die a painful death than let go of the love you had developed for a man who didn’t feel the same for you.

“I’ll let you know if I decide differently,” you replied with a whisper. He looked at you with a tinge of disappointment.

“I can’t prescribe a higher dosage of painkillers,” your doctor said solemnly. “Any more and that would be killing you just as much.”

You looked down onto your knees and felt tears stream down your face. Whatever you choose to do, it would end with you in heartbreak anyways. You figured this was the least painful option.

—

Taehyung was always the type to mess around and flirt without thinking. You could count time and time again of him getting kicked out of bars or clubs from talking to other guy’s girlfriends and leaving Jungkook and you to clean up the mess. 

The intense gaze his eyes would hold when he’d see someone he found attractive, the way he’d confidently saunter towards them without feeling nervous. You admired Taehyung because he was someone you could never be. So himself, so unafraid of what the world would think of him.

You took a shot of whiskey and swallowed harshly. Your throat was burning from the petals that had invaded it earlier in the day, but you needed to drown out your feelings of sorrow somehow. Taehyung had managed to sneak back into the club, now making his way onto the crowded dance floor looking for his next target.

“You feeling okay?” Jungkook asked, patting your back as you coughed a bit at the taste. Jungkook was your mutual best friend with Taehyung, the defining person that made you the Three Musketeers. He was your rock when times were tough.

“I feel like shit,” you sighed deeply, watching as Taehyung grabbed an unassuming girl by the hand and blew her a kiss. “It’s like the flowers get bigger each day.”

Jungkook knew about your disease. In fact, he was the number one supporter of you getting that life-changing surgery that would impair your emotions for Taehyung permanently. He wanted you to live more than anything, even if it meant costing you a semblance of your happiness.

“Why don’t you just confess to him?” Jungkook asked bitterly. “I mean it couldn’t hurt, right? You’re basically preparing to die at this point.”

You scoffed at his straightforwardness. He was obviously upset with your decision to refuse the surgery and he was showing it to you in a very Jungkook way by making petty comments in a shady club. 

He’d never gotten Hanahaki so he would never understand, you thought.

“If I told Tae, wouldn’t you think he’d hate me?” you asked genuinely, tilting your head up at Jungkook. He stared down at you and you could tell he was holding back... because you knew the right answer to the question was yes.  He’d have the same reaction as any other womanizer who couldn’t keep a relationship to save his life.

Taehyung would hate you if you loved him. 

“He’ll probably ignore you for a bit, but that’s him being stupid,” Jungkook sighed, patting you on the head to comfort you a bit. “I mean, he’d probably try and force himself into falling in love with you if you told him about your... situation.”

You pursed your lips. You could see Taehyung do exactly just that. That was his classic way of ghosting the girls he messed around with, but Taehyung would never commit to those same tactics with you. He considered you like family and he’d probably blame himself until the end of time if he were to find out.

“See what I mean?” you avoided eye contact with Jungkook as you felt your eyes tear up a bit. “It would be all fake. He’d hate me and then pretend to love me and then I’d die either way. It would hurt a hell of a lot more if I let that happen.”

Jungkook furrowed his brows and glared at you.

“There’s always the possibility that he does fall in love with you, y’know?”

You shook your head and fiddled with your fingers.

“Taehyung doesn’t fall in love,” you muttered softly. 

The two of you stayed silent, aware that the words you uttered were true. Even as he danced with beautiful women around him, you couldn’t help but keep your eyes solely on Taehyung. He would never let himself be so vulnerable as to fall in love with somebody, let alone a close friend like you.

So why did you let him worm into your heart so easily?

—

Six months ago...

“[Y/N], I’m asking you just this once,” Taehyung begged, puppy eyes activated. “I am begging you to give me her number.”

You scoffed and rolled your eyes. He always wanted to bother you when you worked your shift at the bookstore. Somehow, Taehyung still didn’t want to make himself useful by helping you put away books.

“Tae, we’re in the same class,” you sighed as you stacked up some magazines on top of each other and pushing a bunch of them into one of the higher shelves. “You could just ask her yourself.”

He whined and gave you that infamous pout known to make every girl on campus swoon. If it weren’t for your self-control you would have punched him right then and there for trying to act cute with you while at work.

“I can’t be too direct,” he replied with those pouty lips. “The other girl I'm trying to get with in that class will notice.”

You scrunched your nose. For someone who hated giving people Hanahaki, he couldn’t help but play around with girls as if it were a sport. He was practically an expert in making himself hated amongst his exs.

“You’re gonna regret being such a fuckboy one of these days,” you warned, but taking out your phone to pull up her number anyways. “Mark my words.”

He let out a cheer and hugged you from behind, squeezing you until the oxygen left your body. You tried to push him off of you, but he didn’t budge. It was better to just let him get his clinginess out of the way and then kick him in the shins later.

“I’ll treat you to dinner for this,” he said, grinning as you sent him her number through text message.

“Yeah, yeah,” you sighed. “Please let go of me I feel like I’m about to throw up.”

He laughed and kissed your cheek, a sound that resounded from the store so loudly that it made you wince.

“Love ya,” he smiled, rushing out of the store like a giddy teenage girl. You clenched your fists and touched the area he pecked. Somehow it made you angry at how excited he looked at the thought of another girl. 

What did they have that you didn’t? Did you not exist to him at all?

You clutched onto your stomach as you felt something rumble. You felt an uncomfortable itch in the back of your throat and asked your boss if you could be excused. You tried making it to the bathroom in the back of the bookstore but you stumbled on a pile of books before you could reach your destination. You were on your knees, clutching your stomach as you hurled the contents inside of your stomach onto the wooden floors.

‘I’m so getting fired for this,’ you thought, as you kept your eyes clenched. When you decided to open them, you weren’t met with the soupy substance of the pizza you ate earlier that day, but with an array of pink peonies scattered across the floor. You shook your head out of disbelief. 

No one throws up that many flowers on the first day of contracting Hanahaki. It was always one or two petals and it never came in full blooms of flowers. You had experienced this before with a boy back in middle school and it never turned out so... dangerously beautiful like this.

The sight in front of you was astonishing, the books stacked behind the scattered petals made for a picturesque view. Something about it didn’t sit quite right with you though, as if this signaled your demise.

You whisked through the flowers to see if anything abnormal was found in the flowers and there you saw it. Small specks of blood on the petals.

You realized then that you were screwed.

—

Present

The club continued to stay lively as Taehyung danced his heart out, simultaneously avoiding the bouncers that made their rounds around the club. He couldn’t risk getting kicked out again. 

While you enjoyed seeing how much fun he was having, it made you sick to your stomach at how up close and personal he was with other girls. It made your blood boil at how easily it was for Taehyung to be so enamored with someone he could meet just five seconds ago, but feel nothing for you when you’d been friends for much longer. You held onto Jungkook’s arm to keep you steady as you felt another vomit session come up. You were starting to get dizzy and it wasn’t from the alcohol.

“You look like you’re about to faint any second now,” Jungkook said, worry etched all over his face. “Do you need me to take you home?”

You just laughed softly and grabbed onto the table in front of you instead of Jungkook. You weren’t leaving tonight knowing that Taehyung was still having the time of his life in front of you, even if it hurt to even stand. You just needed to take your mind off of him, that’s all.

“Jungkook, if you just randomly got amnesia one day and forgot everyone around you, how would you feel?” you asked him, pouring another round of whiskey into your glass to ease the headache.

“What does this have to do with you fainting?” he grumbled, stealing your shot and gulping it down for yourself. You scoffed at his blatant attempt to keep you from drinking.

“Just answer the question,” you said, now eyeing a girl Taehyung had his body pressed against. She looked about ready to pounce on him any second.

“I don’t know, I’d probably feel like shit,” he shrugged, motioning for you to pour him another drink. You obliged.

“Well that’s how getting that fucking surgery would feel like,” you said rather aggressively as now the girl was taking Taehyung to the back of the club, where the restroom stalls were. You felt the familiar feeling of choking occur but you muscled through it.

“You’re overreacting,” Jungkook said, rolling his eyes. He didn’t drink the shot yet and instead handed it to you. He noticed Taehyung getting dragged to the restroom too and felt like you needed it, even if your hands were shaking as you grabbed it from his hands. You clenched your fist as you swallowed the cold liquid. It had flushed down the flowers temporarily.

“Not overreacting. I’ve seen it first-hand myself,” you said.

He looked at you, surprise written all over his face, but didn’t press any further. That’s why you appreciated Jungkook so much. He never overstepped his boundaries, unlike Taehyung who practically invaded your personal space each time you saw him. The two were so different from each other and you were so different from them. You wondered how the three of you even became friends.

“I don’t want to turn out like an empty shell for the rest of my life,” you continued, still holding the empty shot glass to your lips. “I’d rather die doing everything I wanted to rather than live a meaningless life.”

He glanced at you, slightly impressed by how stubborn you truly were. Nothing would get to you and no amount of pleading would make you change your mind. You weren’t going to get that surgery.

“So are you gonna make like a bucket list or what?” he asked, taking the whiskey and chugging it straight from the bottle. You looked at him in disgust as he detached himself from the liquor. It seems like both of you were drinking to forget.

“I should, shouldn’t I?” you smiled, finally setting the glass down as you saw Taehyung exit the bathroom looking disgusted. “Might as well since I’m gonna die anyway.”

You two laughed at the morbidity of it all. It wasn’t a funny situation to be in, but you had to make the most of it. Would this be the last time you go clubbing with Jungkook and Taehyung? Would your life end before it even really started?

“That girl puked hydrangeas on my fucking shoes,” Taehyung yelled, rushing to the two of you. “We gotta leave, I am not having her follow me around after this.”

Jungkook and you scoffed at his silliness. This was better, you thought. The atmosphere between Jungkook and you earlier was so grim. Typical Taehyung brightening up the mood wherever he went.

Even as the feeling of thorns pricked against your throat, you couldn’t shake off the smile that was on your face. For Taehyung had made you happy and you couldn’t imagine not feeling any emotion other than love as he looked at you with such sincerity.

You couldn’t bear the idea of Taehyung not having an effect on you.

—

“Please, Jungkook,” Taehyung cried, shaking him back and forth as all three of you stood in the university hallways waiting for the lecture hall to open. “Just give me the notes, I’ll give them back I promise.”

Jungkook clicked his tongue and tried to pull his backpack away from Taehyung who was furiously trying to make a grab at it.

“Fuck off dude, you should’ve studied when you had the chance,” Jungkook sighed, searching for some assistance from you. “It’s not my fault you got wasted at the club last night.”

Taehyung whined at Jungkook’s reluctance to help him out. It wasn’t his fault he couldn’t cram any information that morning with that stupid hangover of his. Pretty soon, Taehyung was looking at you too, expectations written all over his face. You huffed out an annoyed breath and opened up your own bag.

“Tae, just use my notes,” you shook your head lightly, taking out the composition book tucked near the back of your bag. “Stop bothering Jungkook, he looks ready to start a fight with you any moment now.”

Taehyung’s eyes lit up in a way that made your heart stop, naturally gravitating towards your direction. He looked so pure and innocent in moments like these when he gets something he wants. You couldn’t help but feed off from his positive energy.

You handed him your notebook as he stared at it in awe.

“You are the only person who wants to see me succeed,” Taehyung said dramatically, kissing your notes as if it were the seventh wonder of the world. Jungkook scoffed and smacked Taehyung’s head.

“What are you gonna do without [Y/N] always covering you?” he rolled his eyes. Somehow his words stung a bit. 

You didn’t think Jungkook really knew the weight of his own words, but you were thinking deeply about it. What would Taehyung do without you being there for him all the time?

Taehyung shrugged.

“Doesn’t matter, [Y/N]’s gonna be my guardian angel forever,” he teased and put an arm around you. You clenched your jaw and looked down a the floor. You could not let yourself yack some damn petals in that hallway during exam season.

"Do you not feel sorry for her one bit?” Jungkook scoffed, clearly done with Taehyung’s childish antics.

“Why should I?” Taehyung asked innocently, nuzzling into your hair as he held you tight. Somehow his touch felt suffocating, even though his arm was lightly placed on your shoulders. 

“It’s not like she can live without me either,” he teased, booping your nose. 

Jungkook and you exchanged glances and both simultaneously pulled on his ears.

‘If only he knew,’ you thought to yourselves.

—

After the quiz that Taehyung most likely failed, he invited Jungkook and you over to his place to eat some ramen. 

“Sorry man, we actually have a life outside of you,” Jungkook said, declining his offer. “I’ve got extra shifts at work to cover anyways.”

You nodded at Jungkook’s excuse and proceeded with your own.

“I have some stuff to catch up on, so I can’t go,” you replied, trying to act nonchalantly. “Maybe next time, Tae?”

He shook his head at you two, feigning sadness.

“Both of you always act cold towards me, I’m starting to feel like this is a one-sided friendship,” he sighed, clenching his heart as if he was shot. It took everything in you to not step on his foot right then. He might not know about your condition, but the comments were unnecessary regardless if you had Hanahaki or not.

Jungkook and you simply stared at him and he awkwardly put his hand down when none of you showed a reaction.

“Fine, go do whatever,” he said, pompously. “I was gonna invite a girl over for dinner anyways.”

Jungkook rolled his eyes. 

“Alright, bro. Have fun or whatever,” he said, trying to shoo Taehyung away. “I’ll walk [Y/N] to her dorm, you just leave.”

Taehyung clicked his tongue at him, but eventually left, leaving you to be with Jungkook alone.

“He’s the worst,” you sighed, and to that Jungkook nodded in agreement.

“You’re still choosing to die for him, though,” Jungkook muttered under his breath. You flinched at his words, saddened by Jungkook’s word choice. If he put it like that then you sounded like a weirdo.  

An awkward silence fell between the two of you. You half-expected Taehyung to come back to you guys and interrupt your conversation to help lighten the mood, but he never came. Jungkook expected you to talk first since you were the one that asked to talk to him anyway, but it was clear his underhanded comment had made you uncomfortable.

“Why did you want to meet up with me anyway?” Jungkook asked, easing the tension just a bit.

You coughed awkwardly and looked up at him with a new sense of determination in your eyes that he hadn’t seen in a while. You seldom looked motivated these days.

“It’s about that bucket list thing you mentioned yesterday,” you started. “I want to do one of the things as soon as possible.”

He furrowed his brows in confusion.

“Why?”

You bit your bottom lip, not quite knowing how to phrase what you were about to say without making Jungkook upset. He’d probably nag at you like he usually does.

“I don’t have a lot of time left, Jungkook,” you said softly. “I just want to do as much as I can before I get stuck in a hospital bed.”

He stared down at you with sorrowful eyes. He wished there was some other way to help you, one that didn’t ultimately end in you dying.

“What do you need?” he asked kindly, surprisingly taking your words pretty well. 

You smiled up at him and pulled out a piece of paper from your bag. Jungkook took it from your hands and was met with small sketches of flowers that you had presumably drawn. He studied the designs carefully, confused. 

“Okay, how the hell am I supposed to know what this means?” he asked you, angling the paper in different ways to see if he was supposed to crack a code or something.

You shook your head in disappointment. You thought he’d get it by now, considering it was in his line of work.

“Tattoos,” you said simply. “I want a whole sleeve of flowers on my right arm and a bunch of small ones on like my thigh-”

“Stop stop stop,” Jungkook said, waving a hand in front of your face to shut you up. “You want a what now?”

You smiled brightly and spoke with more confidence.

“I want tattoos!”

He scoffed and handed back the paper to you.

“Are you only saying this because you’re gonna get discounted at the shop I work at?”

You shook your head rapidly, not amused by his assumptions.

“No, I’ve just always wanted them,” you said seriously. “I was always too scared with the needle but since I’ve got nothing to lose, I thought why not?”

Jungkook poked you with his index finger in the area between your eyebrows.

“You need to stop talking like that [Y/N],” he said seriously. “I hate when you get all negative.”

You smiled sadly at him.

“Give me the tattoos and I’ll stop talking,” you teased, but your words lacked genuine feeling.

Jungkook heaved out a sigh.

“Fine, but don’t come crying to me if you regret it,” he said, turning his back to you so he could make a call to his boss. Turns out he actually would be working that day.

—

The feeling of Jungkook’s needle on your skin didn’t hurt as much as you nearly thought it would, the pain only coming in dull waves. 

After throwing up flowers consistently for the past few months, nothing could quite match up to the pain of thorns poking at your throat at random times of the day. To you, this was child’s play.

“You’re taking this pretty well for a beginner,” Jungkook complimented, still focusing on the light curves of the forget-me-nots he was etching onto your skin. A whole array of flowers would be drawn on your arm eventually.

“I’m good with my emotions unlike some people,” you said, clearly referencing how agitated Jungkook had been recently. He seemed to lash out every little thing and even made snide comments when he thought no one was listening. Jungkook was definitely taking your situation harder than you were at this point. 

He only smiled at your words, not making any big movements as to not disrupt his work.

“I’m just shocked you’d want the stuff that’s gonna kill you to be on your body forever,” he replied back. Although he spoke too morbidly, he made a fair point.

“Well, the flowers mean more to me than just that,” you started, slightly wincing as Jungkook’s needled started drawing on a new patch of skin. 

Jungkook noticed your discomfort and tried to ease your mind.

“Tell me about that,” he asked, hoping you didn’t feel even more uncomfortable with the question. He anticipated your reply as you coughed awkwardly.

“I’m actually doing this for my mom,” you said softly, avoiding eye contact with him. “She had Hanahaki too and it didn’t turn out well.”

He took a step back to get a good look at your sleeve. He had been working at this tattoo for two hours now and he only seemed to finish just one small section. ‘This would take several sessions of hard work,’ he thought to himself.

“You never talk about your mom,” he pointed out, lightly dabbing the bleeding parts of your skin to avoid infection on your skin.

“My mom got the surgery,” you said slowly, suddenly feeling a sting as the needle hit your skin again. “She found out my dad cheated on her after throwing up flowers for a couple of nights.”

He stopped his movements for a bit, shocked with your revelation. He knew you were hiding something, but he never expected it to be this big. He looked up at you and regretted seeing your sad expression so up close. It seemed you were about ready to cry.

“It literally broke her,” you continued. “She didn’t find joy in anything anymore. Like, she was a completely different person.”

Jungkook stopped his wrists from moving and pulled back a bit. He didn’t know how to comfort you. It was always Taehyug’s forte when it came to emotional stuff. What was he even supposed to say?

“Did you tell her?” Jungkook gulped, his words were shaky. “About not wanting the surgery.”

It was then that you started to break down and it wasn’t from the pain of getting a tattoo. It was the look of complete and utter worry from Jungkook that set you off into a fit of tears. 

“Who is there to tell, Jungkook?” you whispered through the tears. “She’s dead.”

He looked at you in shock, not really registering your words. Obviously, your mother hadn’t died from Hanahaki, she already got the surgery. The reason, he knew, must’ve been much more sinister. He didn’t quite know how to approach you as you hiccuped through your tears. He patted your back in reassurance and repeated time and time again that it was okay, that Taehyung and him would be there for you.

“I’m sorry you had to see me like this,” you mumbled. “I’m a shitty friend.”

He shook his head and was about to reply when an unwelcomed guest came bursting through the tattoo parlor doors.

“Jungkooooook,” you heard a yodel, belonging only to a voice you two could recognize perfectly. 

Taehyung.

You made swift movements to wipe away the tears from your face and Jungkook pretended as if he was in deep focus on drawing something on your skin. Taehyung entered Jungkook’s station, unassuming and bright as ever. He held a plastic bag with takeout boxes in his hand, presumably food.

“[Y/N]? You’re here too?” he asked in confusion, eyebrows slightly furrowed. "Getting a tattoo?”

You nodded hesitantly and he gave an even more worrisome look.

“Can someone explain what’s going on?” he asked slowly, trying to decipher what was really happening.

Jungkook coughed awkwardly.

“I think I’m gonna check out the other clients for a second,” he said, standing up and setting down his tools. “I’ll be right back, [Y/N].”

You looked at Jungkook pleadingly to stay, but he shook his head. He did not want to get involved in whatever discussion was about to go. You sighed and brushed the strands of your hair that was getting on your face. You just hoped your red eyes from crying went unnoticed.

“How come you didn’t tell me you were getting a tattoo?” he asked sadly, sitting on the stool Jungkook once occupied. “Is this what you meant when you said you were ‘catching up on things’?” 

You pursed your lips, not quite knowing how to respond.

“It was a personal thing,” you whispered, massaging the back of your neck. You felt the flowers in your stomach once again.

“What, so you told Jungkook and not me?” Taehyung pouted, setting the food he brought on a nearby table. “I texted him if he was at work and he said yeah. I usually surprise him with Thai food. I didn’t think you were gonna be here too so I only bought enough for two.”

You smiled at him. Taehyung was still as considerate as ever.

He took a look at your tattoo, slightly confused with the realistic flower patterns. His fingers ghosted over them as if to make sure they were real.

“Why flowers?” he asked. He never thought of you as a flora type person. He’s probably never seen you hold a flower in his life.

“None of your business,” you scoffed trying to face away from him. You didn’t want him to see your flustered expression and the puffiness of your under-eyes. He pouted at your words and lack of eye contact.

“You’ve been so distant from me lately, [Y/N],” he said in a cutesy voice. “I feel like Jungkook and you have been hanging out with each other more than with me. I’m starting to feel really left out.”

You chuckled. You weren’t mad at him for barging in during your tattoo session, but you were frustrated with his naivety. There you were getting the most feared items on the world tattooed on your skin and he questioned very little of it? How dense was he really?

“We can hang out some other time, alright Tae?” you said, ruffling his hair lightly. “I just want this first session done and over with.”

He grinned up at you and squeezed your hand that was on his head.

“Then let me stay here to be your emotional support,” he teased, taking your hand into his. You nodded with a smile, but an uncomfortable feeling had erupted in your stomach.

“Will you excuse me for a second?” you asked urgently, pain laced in your voice. He nodded worriedly as he watched you rush off into the restroom. ‘You were having a lot of stomachaches lately,’ he thought to himself.

You covered your mouth with your palm as soon as you were out of Taehyung’s sight, making sure not to throw up anything on the tattoo parlor floor. Jungkook saw you escaping from his station and followed you into the unisex bathroom. He rushed over to you as you threw up into the toilet bowl, some excess flower petals hitting the floor instead. Tears welled up in your eyes as the flowers kept coming in several colors, all different sizes. They were all tulips, stained in blood and mucus, a truly disgusting sight to behold. 

Jungkook patted your back gently and tried to ease you through the pain. Your mouth ached as the last petal left your lips and you desperately grabbed onto Jungkook’s thigh as you coughed out blood. Your lips were horribly stained with a deep rouge.

“Water, please,” you pleaded with your strained voice in between coughing fits. 

Jungkook got you the water and while you tried to act like nothing happened when you came back to Taehyung who was playing Candy Crush on his phone, he couldn’t help but notice how raspy your voice had gotten since just a few moments earlier and how tired your eyes looked when you stared at him. 

“Are you sure you wanna keep on going?” Jungkook whispered to you. “We can have another session tomorrow. I think it’s probably best you go home.”

You shook your head.

“I just want to be with him a bit more,” you said softly, glad that the boy of your affection was so deeply engrossed in his mobile game. “I didn’t lose that much blood.

Taehyung, at the corner of his eye, couldn’t help but see a small pink petal on your shoe with tinges of red splattered on it. He saw the way Jungkook would ask you every 30 seconds if you were feeling okay when he was never the type to talk while he tattoed.

He wondered if it was any of his business to ask.

—

Throughout the next two weeks, Jungkook had finished the various tattoos you  wanted through grueling sessions with Taehyung bothering the two of you in the sidelines. Within those weeks, your health had massively deteriorated as well. The number of flowers you threw up increased by the day and the amount of blood that showed up was worrisome, to say the least. You knew your time was coming up, so it was only fair that you were to complete something you desired most before your eventual demise. 

Go on a proper date with Taehyung. 

Not like the one-on-one hangouts you had with him where you’d throw on whatever. No, you wanted to get dolled up and pretty this time, so you asked him if he wanted to go watch a movie with you and eat dinner after. You knew it wouldn’t change how Taehyung felt about you since he wouldn’t even consider your invitation as a date, but you still wanted to look your best regardless. 

You got ready hours before he intended to come over to pick you up. You lathered on several layers of lipstick, not really knowing what you were expecting to happen anyways. When you finally made your way outside, you were satisfied the starstruck look in Taehyung’s eyes

“Wow you dressed up today,” he chided as he saw you exit your dormitory. “You have someone to impress or what?”

He winked at you and you only scoffed in response. It was obvious that he was staring intently at the new tattoos you had embedded into your skin. It was nice seeing him look at you in a way that you weren’t used to... like he actually found you attractive.

“Please, I look good for myself,” you said confidently. “Can’t say the same for you considering you wore that shirt yesterday.”

He clicked his tongue in your direction.

“Whatever, whatever,” he said, waving his hand in front of him. “I get to have you all to myself today. No Jungkook in sight. I could rub this in his face later.”

You laughed at his silliness. If you wanted to delude yourself, you’d have thought Taehyung was jealous. He was so cute, with his hands stuffed in his pockets as he looked at you with a flushed face. You only had to tolerate the fluttering feeling in your stomach for a few hours or so, how bad could it be? You just needed to endure it until Tehyung left and you were free to throw up all the petals you needed to.

“Let’s go to the movies?” you offered and he smiled, agreeing with your suggestion.

It was nice like this, walking by his side without a care in the world. It made you sad to think that this too would be taken away from you. That you’ll never get to hear him babble about dates gone awry or see how his smile would get wider when he saw his favorite food again. It would all be taken away from you eventually, one way or another. You clenched your fist, attempting to focus on his voice rather than the nausea that had overtaken your body. 

It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair that you had to love him all alone.

“I don’t think I get to tell you enough how much I appreciate you,” Taehyung said, breaking the comfortable silence between you two. “You always look out for me even when you look like you aren’t.”

You smiled at his compliment.

“There’s no need for that,” you replied. “What kind of friend would I be if I just watched you suffer alone?”

You tried to swallow down the hypocrisy that came with your own words. He had no idea that you were lying through your teeth right then and there. You tensed at the sound of Taehyung chuckling at your comment.

“That’s what friends are for after all,” he said in agreement.

It happened almost suddenly. The first cough and then a second and then you couldn’t stop your knees from hitting the concrete of the city sidewalk.

“[Y/N],” Taehyung shouted, kneeling next to you on the crowded street. His voice was distorted among all the other sounds you were hearing. There were bells, whistles, the sound of an incoming storm. You started hyperventilating.

‘Not here, not here. Anywhere else but here,’ you screamed to yourself in your head.

You clenched your stomach and tried to hold back the impending contents that were soon to escape your lips. You shook your head as tears threatened to spill out of your eyes. You didn’t want Taehyung to see you like this.

“[Y/N], tell me what's wrong,” Taehyung pleaded. “I can’t help you if you don’t tell me what’s wrong!”

You couldn’t help as the tears rolled down your face as the first petal left. And then another. By then, a crowd had formed around you two and someone was in the process of calling an ambulance. You couldn’t stop the bloody white roses that escaped your lips, slashing the inside of your throat as more of them came. All parts of your body ached, but your heart hurt the most. Taehyung’s face was in such distress and you were the reason for it.

You were the reason for his pain just as he was the reason for yours.

The last thing you heard before collapsing in his arms was Taehyung screaming your name, the blood mixed with lipstick on your mouth staining his shirt. He called for help and eventually, they did come. They came but it felt like he had already failed you somehow. Like he could’ve done more to protect you.

As the EMTs hauled you off into the ambulance truck, he took one last glance at the pile of flowers that stained the concrete.

It looked too similar to the flowers drawn near your shoulder.

—

Taehyung sat near your hospital bed, clenching his hands together and shutting his eyes to even out his breathing. ‘I’m a dumbass for not realizing earlier,’ he thought to himself.

The nurses had filled him in about your condition just a few moments earlier. He found out that you were six months into being diagnosed with Hanahaki and that you had no intention of getting surgery. It hurt his heart to think that you were suffering all alone, carrying the burden of a terminal illness all by yourself. He hated to think that the person you loved had no idea you were in such pain. Taehyung found himself hating the person you longed for, even if he didn’t know who that was.

He took a glance at your resting features.

You looked so pale in the dim hospital lights and the sound of your heart monitor made him apprehensive. You had Hanahaki and you never bothered to tell him? Was this another one of your secrets you were hiding from him lately? He sighed, burying his face into his palms.

"You don’t deserve this [Y/N],” he said solemnly, brushing away some strands of hair from your face. “Anyone would be lucky to have you be in love with them. That person doesn’t know what they’re missing out on.”

Taehyung went through a list of people in his head who could’ve been your possible unrequited love. It couldn’t be Namjoon, the guy that was helping you out all the time at the bookstore. You two barely talked. It wasn't Seokjin from lecture hall either, you said he wasn't your type. Was it Hoseok from the same department? Perhaps was it-?

He webbed his fingers through his hair out of frustration. Who could it possibly be?

Taehyung was disturbed from his thoughts from a slight knocking sound that continued on for a few seconds.

"Come in," he replied back cautiously.

To Taehyung’s surprise, Jungkook opened the door, a bouquet flowers in his hand as he walked through. Taehyung's body tensed at the sight of him. He had put two in two together and now he clenched his fists together, tightening his jaw.

It was him. It had to be him.

"I would've come earlier, but I wanted to get these for her when she wakes up," Jungkook said solemnly and set the flowers down near the hospital nightstand. "How's [Y/N] holding up?"

Taehyung stood up from the seat next to your bed, cracking his neck to the side to release some tension. He came close to Jungkook, glaring at him in a threatening stance. Taehyung grabbed at his collar.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing bring flowers to a patient with Hanahaki?"

Taehyung's voice didn't sound quite like he usually did. There was a growl akin to anger in the way he spoke. Jungkook pushed him off of him, confused as to why Taehyung was picking a fight with you when you were sleeping just a few meters away.

"It's just a nice gesture," Jungkook seethed. "Why are you being so fucking hostile when you didn't even know she had Hanahaki in the first place?"

Taehyung scoffed, shoving Jungkook by the chest.

"You knew?" he squinted his eyes at Jungkook. "You fucking knew and you didn't do anything about it?"

Jungkook took a look at your sleeping form. He was glad you weren't awake to be hearing this because he was ready to do something he'd regret. He didn’t mind getting kicked out of the hospital if it meant putting Taehyung in his place.

"Why should I do anything, huh?" Jungkook sighed. "I’ve been begging her to get the damn surgery. She won't fucking listen to me!"

Taehyung punched him right then. His wrists were bound to bruise by the impact of it all and Jungkook just stared at him in shock, clutching his cheek.

"It's your fault that she's dying," Taehyung started, tears welling up in his eyes. "You should have fucking tried harder to convince her. You could’ve stopped this."

Jungkook charged at him and pushed Taehyung against the wall. It was a miracle you hadn’t woken up from all the noise they were making. There was bound to be complaints from neighboring rooms for the ruckus the two boys were causing.

"Me?" Jungkook gritted his teeth, taking a good hard look at Taehyung. "You’re saying I'm the reason?"

Taehyung scoffed at his face and pushed him off.

"Who else then? Who else is fucking killing [Y/N]?!" Taehyung cried, his voice echoing in the hospital room.

Jungkook took a step back from him until he soon brought his fist back to hit Taehyung square in the jaw. He fell onto the floor and cringed at the pain.

“I know it’s not my business to say anything,” he mumbled, but loud enough for Taehyung to hear him. “And that it’s between [Y/N] and you but I’m really fucking sick and tired of seeing her break down over someone as incompetent and stupid as-”

“Can you just spit it out already, you piece of shit-”

Jungkook threw another punch at Taehyung when he made his way to stand. He had collapsed on the floor again, trying to readjust his jaw. Jungkook’s hand was bleeding at that point, but he didn’t care one bit. Taehyung deserved everything that was coming to him.

“It’s you,” Jungkook seethed. “You’re the reason why she’s fucking dying!”

Taehyung stared up at him in a state of shock as your body had started to wake up into consciousness. The two boys stared at each other, dripping in anger.

“What did you say?”

—

A/N: Another Taehyung fic up my sleeve! Sorry to leave it on a cliffhanger like that :P The second part will be a lot more intense. Special thanks to @guksflavor for commissioning this and also buying 2 coffees for me, I really appreciate it. It was a whole lot of fun writing this first part and I hope you guys enjoyed it. It’s my first time writing about Hanahaki Disease, so I wanted my interpretation to be slightly unique. I’m so glad I got a request like this from the get-go, since I love these kind of angsty stories. If y’all want to commission for stories or simply donate, my Kofi is linked on my blog. If not, that’s totally fine, I’m thankful for your support either way.

PS. Trash part two comes out at the end of this week, please anticipate it a lot!

[halcyonstorm]

gift for the lovely @ellepellano for Levihan Xmas in July!! I really enjoyed writing this and hope you enjoy too!

Read on AO3 or Read below the cut! Enjoy <33

Day 1

Levi was not looking forward to summer camp that year. He was going into his senior year of high school and frankly, he felt too old to be attending a summer camp. He had been going since he was a child. It had its ups and downs, and even though Levi disliked most things about being outside, he generally enjoyed himself. What he hated the most, though, were the campers themselves. They were annoying, immature teens (and his mother considered him “mature for his age”). Levi knew it was going to be a hot, dreadful week, but his mother insisted he go, and he couldn’t say no to her. After the long, two-hour car ride down to the campsite, he was ready to get moving. He hopped out of the car, groaning as he stretched his lower back. His mom opened the trunk, allowing Levi to grab his suitcase and sleeping bag. He dragged his suitcase behind him as he trudged down the paved path (about half a mile) to the cabins. His mother carried his sleeping bag on her back and walked beside him. He looked aimlessly towards the sky, the bright green trees forming a canopy over his head, sunlight peeking through the leaves. It was cool in the shade. He wished to have a personal tree canopy to shield him wherever he wanted to go.

“It’s your final year,” She said. “Make the most of it, okay?” She gave him a soft, sweet smile. Levi wanted to be annoyed at her, but she just wanted the best for him. He just wanted to stay home in the cool air-conditioned oasis of his room, reading or playing games on his computer. 

“I’ll try,” he muttered. Once they arrived at his red, worn-down cabin, they stepped inside. The calm of the nature around them was quickly disrupted by the loud chatter and yelps from inside his cabin. Am I sure this is my cabin? He asked himself. He peeked outside before stepping fully inside. Cabin 14. Yup… He found one of the free beds in the corner of the room, throwing his suitcase on top of the bed with a loud grunt. He saw a man he recognized as Erwin from the previous year. They hung out quite a bit last year, so Levi thought maybe he could stick with him if he needed a partner for a game.

“Hey, Levi!” One of the campers called out. He turned to see a tall, dark-blonde man greeting him. He had a shit-eating grin on his big face. It pissed Levi off, making him scowl. “Good to see you back!” 

“Mike,” Levi said under his breath. Mike pulled countless pranks on him last year. He was not looking forward to it again this year. He pointed behind him to the bed next from Levi’s with his thumb.

“Looks like we are bed buddies!” He exclaimed. Levi cringed at the statement. Why did he have to say it like that?

“Leave me alone.” Levi started to grab his sleeping bag from his mom. She gave him a kiss on his cheek.

“Do you need anything else?” She asked, indicating she was going to start heading back to her car. I need you to take me home… He didn’t want her to leave.

“I think I’m fine. Thanks,” Levi replied. His mom pulled him into a tight hug. In the hug, he smelled the fresh scent of her shampoo and a hint of perfume. It reminded him of home, making him yearn for it.

“I’ll see you in six days, okay?” She mumbled into the top of his head before giving him a kiss there. “Have fun, try to enjoy yourself.” Levi nodded.

“Yeah.” She pulled away, squeezing his hand before saying goodbye and exiting his cabin, leaving Levi all alone. 

-

The first event was mandatory that evening. After Levi ate his mediocre hamburger, he headed to the Main Hall across the bridge from his cabin. Under the bridge was a large, crystal clear lake that flowed throughout the camp grounds, where many campers in the past would canoe or swim. The reflection of the Main Hall was visible in the lake. When Levi looked up at the building from its reflection, he noticed it looked similar to his red cabin but with a better paint job and an awning. When he went inside, he recognized that the floor inside was covered in blue padded mats. In the distance, he saw hanging hoops and tunnels. He wondered what they’d be doing that evening. He found a seat next to a black-haired girl before the camp leader started to speak.

“Welcome campers!” She cheered into the mic. He recognized the girl as Alicia who has been the camp coordinator ever since he began high school. She wore a bright green shirt with the words “Camp Titans ‘21” across her chest. “Who’s excited to be here?” The crowd cheered. Levi kept a visibly monotone face. He wanted to go home. “We are going to start off this trip with a fun obstacle course! The group will be divided into four groups. The goal: reach the end before the other team, run back and tag your teammate. The first team to get through the entire obstacle course will win. We will be staying in these teams for the duration of the camp, so be sure to befriend your teammates! Our cabin counselors will be picking the teams.” Levi took a deep sigh. He was good at running and obstacle courses… He would consider them “fun”. His monotone expression changed into something more… neutral.

Within a few minutes, Levi was put on the blue team out of red, blue, green, and yellow teams. He wasn’t with Mike, thank God. He had a few strong-looking teammates, including Erwin, so he was glad. The black-haired girl he was sitting next to was picked for his team too. 

Levi opened his mouth to speak to her when a hand was placed on his shoulder. Levi tensed, turning his head slowly. It was a girl taller than him, her hair thrown up in a sweaty, messy ponytail. She wore a blue t-shirt and matching shorts. 

“Hey there! Some way to start off the week, huh?” She chirped, her hands placed on her hips. Levi turned his head looking forward.

“Sure,” he replied. He really wasn’t in the mood to talk to her. She seemed too… excited.

“I’m Hange,” she said, tapping his shoulder in such a way that drove Levi up a wall.

“Okay,” he responded, crossing his arms. It was almost his turn to go. Him and Hange were towards the end of the line. Hange being the final person to complete the course. The black haired girl started to run in front of him, and Levi stepped up to the start. 

“Good luck!” Hange said, tapping his shoulder yet again. Levi took a deep, deep breath. Levi got one leg in front of the other, widing his base of support. He bent his knees, holding his hand out for the girl to hit. She ran past him so fast that he only felt the breeze of her passing by before he noticed his legs already running underneath him. 

There were a variety of obstacles in the course: ducks, jumps, hurdles, and judo-crawls. After running for a moment, there were five different sized hurdles, growing progressively taller as he went further. Luckily, he was a hurdle jumper in high school. He knew what he was doing, his one leg jumping over the hurdle while the other leg swung over the side. Once he got past the five hurdles, there was a long tunnel. He dove on his stomach, using his arms to tug him through the tunnel. It was dark, creepy, and yet Levi liked that the most. It was where no one could see him. Once he got out of the tunnel, there were hoops above him in such an order where one would have to swing across them. There were only a few: after all, this was only for fun. And some of the campers were not as fit as Levi. He bent his knees, jumping high. His hands gripped the hoops, his body swinging in all directions as he advanced towards the end of the course. The final part was the ducks. One of the camp counselors would swing a foam bat at the person a few times, the camper had to duck and jump as appropriate. He was successful in dodging the attacks from the brawny counselor, before sprinting down the strip, ready to tag Hange’s hand. She was not paying attention. As he got closer, he saw she was chatting to Alicia, the camp counselor. 

“Hange!” He called out loudly. She looked just in time for him to tag her hand, his hand stinging from the forceful impact. She took off. Levi caught his breath as he walked to the bench.

“Nice, Levi!” Erwin called out, waving him over to where he was sitting. Levi sat next to him. Who else did he know to sit with?

“Thanks,” he muttered. He finally looked up and saw Hange throwing herself across the hanging hoops. She looked like a monkey, swinging herself across the course without a care in the world. He heard her annoying laugh echo throughout the Hall.

“She’s insane,” Levi thought aloud. He couldn’t watch; he thought she’d hurt herself. He didn’t feel like cleaning up her blood off the floor. He wiped his sweaty forehead with the bottom of his shirt.

He looked up and saw Hange pass the finish line, her hands on her knees as she heaved loudly. 

“Congrats to the Blue Team for winning our first competition of Camp 2021!” Alicia cheered. The people sitting down on his team cheered, including Erwin. Levi took a deep sigh, clapping softly. Hange walked over to Levi. 

“You see that?” Hange bragged, folding her arms across her chest, still breathing a bit heavy.

“...Yeah?” Levi responded, standing up to get ready for the next team event. Hange does a strange thing where she shakes her head and shrugs her shoulders. He’s not sure what it means.

“I was tryna act like you,” She laughed. She sounded like she was mocking him, and he hated it. Why was she purposely pissing off? Usually, dorks like her left him alone after he gave him a glare that was scary enough, but she didn’t back off, let alone seem fazed by it. He was extremely annoyed with her.

“Leave me alone,” he snapped before walking away from her. He didn’t like how she was so… pushy? Annoying? Nosy? Wasn’t there a better word?

Day 2

The next morning was a team volleyball game. Their camp teams were too big, though. So, Alicia picked Hange and Mikasa to pick the teams. He hoped, he prayed that Mikasa picked him for her team. He stood in the front of the group. He didn’t care if his team lost; he didn’t wanna be with her. At that moment he remembered she didn’t know his name. How could she call him out if she didn’t--

“You!” Hange called out, pointing straight at him, her eyes piercing into his soul. He scowled, not taking a moment to hide the disappointment on his face. She grinned wide at him.

“This is Levi,” Alicia told Hange. A smug grin grew on her face. Levi felt a chill trickle down his spine. Now that she knew his name, she could piss him off even more than she already was. Levi zoned out while the other members were distributed amongst the two teams. Hange’s team was up first against the first yellow team: Mike’s team. Levi was set up in front of Hange, who was serving first.

“0-0!” She said aloud. 

“Everyone knows the score. The game just started,” Levi muttered under his breath. She let out a huff through her nose, hearing Levi after all. He turned to watch her swing her right arm back and forth to practice her aim. Then, she dropped the ball from her left hand, punting the ball over the net. For someone who was annoying as hell, she was pretty good at athletic activities like this. It was expected though. 

The ball was coming back over the net already, Levi held his hands together, bumping the ball to one of the teammates. He bumped it to Hange, who smacked the ball with the heel of her palm. She was a strong hitter; the ball flew just over the net, hitting the floor before bouncing out of bounds.

“Nice!” Mikasa called out from the crowd. Hange faced her to give her a cheery thumbs up. Hange received the ball from the other team, catching it one hand. 

After a few volleys, Levi was up to serve. He practiced throwing the ball in the air a few times to assess the height. Finally, he threw it in the air, striking it with the heel of his palm. It soared over the net. He heard a gasp come from Hange.

“You are so cool!” She exclaimed. Levi shook his head. She sounded like she was mocking him again. He didn’t respond. She should be focusing on the game.

Day 3

The next evening, Levi was eating with Erwin in the cafeteria. It was late, so the two of them were just having bowls of cereal. Levi didn’t really like cereal, but if he had to choose a favorite, it’d be Life. It was sweet but not too sweet, got soft but not too quickly, and crunchy but not too crunchy. He was having his second bowl that evening after a hot day in the August sun. Now it was cool, the full moon shining light onto the floor of the cafeteria, as well as the lights illuminating the room to be bright. It was nice and quiet until the peaceful calm was interrupted by no other than Hange and her lanky friend.

“Hey, Levi!” She exclaimed, standing at the head of the table. “I brought cards.” Erwin scooted over allowing Hange to sit next to him, face-to-face with Levi. The lanky boy sat next to Levi, facing Erwin.

“This is Moblit,” she introduced him, gesturing towards him. He gave a shy wave. “Erwin, Levi, and me!” She introduced the rest of them. Dork.

“Let’s play BS.” She briefly went over the rules. Each person is handed cards until the deck is completely passed out. Whoever gets the ace of spades goes first, and that card stays face up for the duration of the game. Going in numerical order, each person takes turns putting cards down. Whether you have the card or not, you have to put something in the stack. One can call “BS” if they think the person is lying. If they are lying, the liar gets the whole stack. If the accuser is wrong, they get the deck. The goal is for the player to successfully get rid of all the cards in their hand.

As Hange explained the rules, Levi realized she wasn’t as annoying today. She explained thoroughly and clearly, asking if anyone had questions before they started. He knew how to play, but she was patient with Erwin who didn’t know. He caught himself staring at her and focused on the natural pattern of oak wood on the table instead. After a few minutes of further explanation, everyone was ready to begin.

“Let’s play!”

As it turns out, Hange is an extremely good liar. She ended up winning the first game. When Levi had to call her final card BS, he flipped it and it was the correct card. He had to admit he was a bit impressed. It annoyed him that she kept winning game after game too.

“Let’s play blackjack or something,” Levi suggested, sick of losing.

“Are you a sore loser?” Hange sang, getting closer to his face. He scoffed, leaning back.

“Don’t get so close to me, you four-eyed creep.” He rolled his eyes, standing up. He hated that his heart started to race. It pissed him off. Her teasing pissed him off.

“I’m going to my cabin for the night,” he decided. “Goodnight.” He felt flustered, confused, but most of all: annoyed. All of these emotions were caused by Hange.

Day 4

Day four came fast. It was a cool, breezy morning when Alicia announced there would be a relay later that afternoon. She announced the four teams within the team itself. Each smaller team can win a point for their team, helping their team as a whole pull ahead. Levi was looking forward to that. Halfway through the camp week, the Yellow team was close to the Blue team in points, scoring a 5 and Blue 6. Red had 3, green had 2.

Levi was paired with Mikasa, Reiner, Annie, and not Hange. He was relieved... She exhausted him. The goal of the relay was running 100 meters and passing the baton to each member; a total of one lap around the track. They only had the morning to prepare. Luckily, everyone on his team seemed fast enough. They went to the track to practice. It was starting to warm up. On the other side of the track, he noticed Hange and her messy mop of brown hair, standing with Moblit.

“Levi, do you want to be the first one to go?” Mikasa asked, handing him the baton to begin.

“Sure.” 

The order was Levi, Annie, Reiner, Mikasa. He was excited to go first and help his team get ahead from the beginning. They practiced handing the baton to one another from behind, practiced sprints, and practiced both together. Whenever he had the chance, his eyes kept wandering across the track.

The relay took place an hour after lunch. Levi threw on his blue camp t-shirt and black shorts. Annie and Mikasa wore theirs as crop tops. Reiner wore his with the sleeves rolled up. Levi’s team was first to go. As he waited for the go-ahead to the relay, he stretched his legs. He caught a glimpse of Hange out of his periphery. She wore her blue shirt with “Zoe” written across her upper back. She was facing Moblit, chatting with him and gesticulating excessively. His eyes wandered lower towards her backside, getting a glimpse of something lower on her body that he should not be staring at. He shook his head, looking away quickly. He hated her. She was annoying.

The sun was beating down on the campers, starting to become too hard to handle. Levi was glad he was going first to get it over with. 

“Hey, Levi!” Hange called out. He was stretching to his toes when she called to him. Hange and Erwin were heading towards him. She wore one of those stupid umbrella hats on her head and had one in her hand. To his disgust, Erwin was wearing one too. With a fucking smile on his face. Levi looked petrified.

“These help with the heat! Put it on!” She smiled wide at him, offering him the umbrella hat in her hand. He reluctantly grabbed it and looked at it in his hands. It was a rainbow pattern, one that was extremely harsh on his eyes. He squinted, putting his hand down. Why didn’t she leave him alone? He had insulted her, making it clear that he wanted nothing to do with her. So, why did she offer him a gift?

“No.” Hange grinned again.

“They really do help,” Erwin chimed in. Levi scrunched his nose at him, feeling betrayed. Don’t encourage her! 

“Attention all relay runners: Would the first team please report to the start? I repeat, would the first team please report to the start?” Levi handed the hat in his hands back to Hange. Her smile faded just enough for Levi to notice.

“I’ll… grab it after our team wins,” Levi said, bargaining with her. He kept questioning his actions. Hange smiled again.

“I bet I’ll beat your time! If I do, I’ll kiss ya!” She called out. He waved his hand at her, then suddenly processed her offer. She’s so annoying… What a disgusting offer.

“Yeah, right. I’d like to see you try.” 

He jumped in the air a few times to warm up his already warm body, bending down to get into position to run. He anxiously anticipated the fire of the gun, beginning the relay. Now he had motivation to run faster: he did not want a kiss from Hange.

“Ready…” The caller yelled. Then, the sound of the gun echoed through the crowd, piercing the silence. Levi was off. His legs started to pump, helping him accelerate forward. He began on the third slot, and he started to pass person four, five… then six. Now, he was in the lead. He was starting to pick up the pace, his opponents falling further and further behind.

“Annie!” He called out. She got into position, leaning her hand back. He handed her the baton, and she went soaring across the track. He stumbled to a stop, his hands resting on his knees. He himself was heaving heavy. The sweltering summer heat didn’t help either.

He felt someone touch his back with a cold and wet hand.

“Here,” Erwin said. “Nice job.” He handed Levi a cold bottle of water. Levi opened the cap, pouring the water down his throat. The cool water stung his sore throat, feeling the water travel down to his stomach.

“Thanks…” he panted. He collapsed to sit on the grass in the center of the field. Hange sat next to him a moment later. She sat quietly, leaning back on her arms with her knees bent in front of her. They were all cheering for blue, of course. They wanted to win. Cheering for Annie, cheering for Reiner. Then, it was Mikasa’s turn. Mike was the yellow team’s anchor. He and Mikasa were close in the race, but Mikasa pulled out the first win for blue.

The final relay came around and it was Hange’s team’s turn. Levi ended up giving in and wore the stupid umbrella hat about halfway through the second relay. The heat is too unbearable, and it actually provides good shelter from the sun, he rationalized.

The shot was fired, and the runners were off. Hange was the final runner; The final person to help the Blue team pull through and win. Moblit was the first runner for Hange’s team. She did some preparation stretches in her spot then got in position. It seemed like Moblit had far to run and he ended up falling behind to third place. Moblit finally reached the 100 meter mark, handing the baton off to Zeke. He got to the next checkpoint pretty quick but still remaining in third place, handing the baton off to Bert. Bert’s long legs helped him pull ahead of the two rival teams. As he approached Hange, she started to run a bit. He handed off the baton successfully and then she was off. She didn’t seem like one to be athletic since she almost passed out during the obstacle course, but she persevered. She extended her legs further than usual and pumped her arms faster, helping her maintain the first place ranking. She pulled through the finish line, earning first place for the Blue team.

She stumbled a little as she halted to a stop, leaning her hands on her knees as she heaved. Levi felt shy showing her he had on the stupid hat, so he took it off. She caught her breath (for the most part) and stood upright. Erwin and Levi were walking over towards her. She started to walk towards them too. She rested her hands on her head, opening her chest, allowing her to catch her breath quicker. When she approached them, she looked at Levi with wide eyes. He felt mesmerized by her glistening brown eyes; he almost forgot about how annoying she was. She had a stupid, stupid grin on her face. Levi thought she looked stupid. She was messy, dirty, sweaty… Why did beautiful cross his mind first? Flowers were beautiful. Christmas lights were beautiful. The full moon was beautiful. What made him think a sweaty, dirty, annoying person was beautiful to him?

Hange placed a hand on his cheek, giving his other cheek a wet, sweaty kiss. Levi was so exasperated that he couldn’t even process it since it happened so quickly. She pulled away and Levi’s face was one of pure shock. She… kissed me? 

“I beat your time, shorty.”

“I… didn’t think you were serious…” Levi stammered. Hange chuckled, winking at him.

“I wouldn’t wanna let you down like that.” 

Levi tried to avoid Hange the rest of the day. While he could avoid her physically, she was still dancing around his head, her kiss replaying over and over. He was restless in his bunk that evening. His heart wouldn’t stop pounding so hard in chest every moment he thought of her.

“You’re so stupid,” he whispered to himself. “Get out of my mind.” 

Day 5

The next day was the “Water Day''. Levi hated that term. Every event that day would take place either in the lake or the pool. The first event was canoeing. Levi was undoubtedly hoping not to be with Hange, but Alicia picked the teams. Apparently, Hange was horrible with canoeing. On the other hand, Levi had canoeed many times in his life.

“I want to face my fears!” she explained. Stupid. And annoying. 

“You should go with Hange in case anything happens,” Alicia told him. Levi passively agreed. They put on their bright orange life vests over their clothes. Hange had to get in the boat first.

“Come on, you’ll be fine. It’s attached to the dock.”

“...Yeah but that’s not the point.”

“What is it?” Levi asked.

“I’m…” She had a frown on her face. This was the first time Levi saw her like this. She always wore a grin. This was unlike her. “I’m fine! Getting in now…” It looked like she was telling herself, “Move your legs, dammit!” 

“Hange,” he said her name calmly. She turned to face him anxiously. “Follow my instructions, okay?” She nodded.

“Bend your knees,” He began. She followed. “Grab that side of the canoe.” He pointed to the edge furthest from her. “Now, put your right leg in, move your right hand to the other side, then get your left foot inside.” She was in the canoe now, she let out a sigh of relief. “Sit at the front of the boat. You’ll be the bowman.” 

“Ooooh! Sounds fancy. I’m up for the challenge!” No, clearly you’re not… Levi untied the strings on the dock, the canoe getting loose. Levi got in the boat the same way but sat towards the back, pushing off the dock with his foot, the boat starting to drift away from the dock. 

“You are the bowman,” he explained. “You have to let me know of any obstacles in the way. Though it is a lake, so I think we’ll be fine. You also have to paddle on the left side. I'll paddle on the right. That’s all you gotta do.” Alicia handed Levi and Hange the paddles. 

“That doesn’t sound too hard! Let’s go!” For someone who almost had a panic attack, she seems pretty excited. Maybe she is juiced up on adrenaline. 

As Levi and Hange paddled further to the center of the lake, he noticed Hange was blabbing less and less. Maybe she was getting anxious again.

“Are you okay?” he asked. He stuck the paddle in the water, pushing the water backwards. She was paddling too, but with much slower strokes.

“Fine,” she answered abruptly. Sounded like a lie, but Levi didn’t press.

“We have to paddle in sync, you know.” 

“Can’t we just go closer to land?” she answered in a snappy tone, her voice a pitch higher than usual.

“Yeah… sure.” Levi started to push his paddle in a “J” motion, starting to turn the boat. He noticed her shoulders were rigid and her paddling strokes stiff.

“Hey, Hange,” he said softly, placing a gentle hand on her shoulder. With the small touch, Hange whipped around, the canoe shaking harshly side to side.

“What?” She sneered, now facing him. He could see her eyes were glassy. He was a bit shocked by her tone but wanted to keep her calm. She was clearly scared of being out on the water, so far from land. The last thing he wanted to do was flip the boat. He stopped paddling for a moment. He scooted forward, placing a hand on her shoulder.

“Look out there,” He said, pointing past her. In the distance, there were beautiful green mountains of trees, big puffy clouds, and the water was glistening. As she turned, she also blinked, causing the tears to fall from her face. It broke Levi’s heart. All he wanted to do was to cheer her up at that moment.

She looked towards where he was pointing, she gasped softly. If Levi weren’t so close to her, he wouldn’t have heard it. She had finally looked up instead of down at the flowing water around the bow of the canoe.

“It’s funny…” She began. “I haven’t looked up since I got on the boat.” Levi smiled softly. He admired her, admiring the nature around them.

“It’s truly beautiful,” she said softly. Indeed.

-

Later that evening, Erwin wanted to go to the pool. Levi was hesitant because of all the people that’d be in the pool. Alicia did mention, however, that the pool had a chemical that would darken when someone urinated. So Levi felt safer. He walked with Erwin in his swim trunks and flip flops, a towel folded over his arm. It was a large pool with slides and beach chairs lined up around the perimeter. Levi’s inner child was screaming to go in the pool. Maybe Erwin would want to go. 

The two found a shady spot in the corner of the pool area, laying down their towels and taking off their flip flops. Levi stood up, ready to go in the pool when he noticed a familiar wet mop of hair in the water. Hange. She was with a blonde girl with a short haircut. The blonde pointed behind her towards Levi and Erwin. Hange turned around, smiling and waving to the boys. 

“Hey you two!! Come in!” She waved them over. Erwin jumped in the pool with his knees tucked to his chest, getting Levi soaked before he even entered the pool. Levi sat on the edge of the water, pushing himself in the water. The cool water was refreshing compared to the late afternoon sun.

“This is Nanaba, one of my my cabinmates,” Hange introduced her. Nanaba waved shortly to the two boys. “This is Levi and Erwin.” 

“Nice to meet you!” She chirped. “Nice to meet you.”

“Let’s try out the slides!” Hange suggested with a wide grin. She seemed much happier than earlier. For that, Levi was grateful.

“Aren’t they gonna be filled with slimy kids?” Levi retorted, trying to seem uninterested. He didn’t want to go after some smelly kid.

“Nah, the pool is only open for the older kids today,” Nanaba replied. Levi shrugged.

“Fine.” They all got out of the water, their bathing suits heavy and dripping from the water. Levi walked behind Hange, starting to stare at her as they walked up the stairs to the slide. He purposely averted his eyes to the wet concrete, avoiding the very tempting view in front of him. She looked… different. Maybe since Hange had just been wearing t-shirts or tank tops and shorts he didn’t even think of what she’d look like underneath. He felt flustered. She had tanned skin and more curves than he thought. She wore a white and beige striped bikini, the bottoms high waisted. She looked nice.

They got to the top of the slide. One of the male camp counselors was standing at the top, wearing sunglasses and a whistle around his neck. There were two slides next to each other: a purple and blue one. 

“You’ve gotta go one at a time down each slide,” he explained. “You can go first.” He was talking to Erwin first. He got in the blue one, the one with more turns and twists (to Levi’s surprise), and he got the go-ahead, pushing off and sliding down. About seven seconds later, there was a large splash that came from the pool. “You’re next,” he said to Nanaba. Hange turned to face Levi.

“Which will you do?” She asked softly. Levi thought about it for a minute.

“I’ll do blue.”

“Me too.” Nanaba screamed as she went down the purple slide. 

“You’re up,” The man said. Hange gently patted Levi’s shoulder.

“See you on the flip side.” She chuckled, getting in position for the slide. The man gave her the “okay”, and she slid down the slide.

“Woohoo!!” She echoed through the slide. Levi smiled when he heard her splash into the pool below. When the man noticed, his face quickly turned to a death glare.

“Whenever you’re ready...” the man cowered.

He got in, pushing himself off. It was a basic slide at first, then it started to curve, his body quickly sloshing to one side then the other, it went side to side quickly, a bit upwards, then he was spat out, suddenly colliding with the water. His body submerged, his ears filling with water. He turned his head towards the surface, his hair slicking back as he went above water, gasping for air.

“Wooo!” Hange cheered again with a huge grin. Levi smiled softly at her. It seemed to take her breath away.

“Let’s try the other ones!”

Day 6

The final day of camp had come. Levi hated to admit it, but he wished to stay a little while longer. He was finally starting to have a good time. It was a week to remember.

Early that morning, Alicia gathered the teams together to take photos before the final event, as well as show off some of the photos from the past week. The teams waited in line. It was finally Blue’s turn.

“Let’s get a photo of our winning team!” Alicia cheered. “Tall people in the back, shorties in the front!” Levi rolled his eyes at the comment, reluctantly standing in the front. Hange stood behind him. Levi was the only guy in the front with the rest of the girls.

“That’s you, a shorty,” Hange teased. 

“Shut up, you can’t even see,” he retorted. She laughed.

“Smile!” Levi was naturally smiling for the photo. He wished to make Hange laugh more and more. Alicia snapped the photo.

“Beautiful smiles!” She chirped. Everyone got out of their pose and started heading back towards the cabins. 

“I don’t think I have ever seen you smile,” Hange mentioned to Levi. Levi looked away. 

“It’s nothing special,” Levi replied. Hange chuckled, patting him on the back.

“It is, to me at least…” She said, much less confident than her previous statement. Levi felt his cheeks flush. Hange was pulled away by Moblit to go do an activity across the field, so Levi stuck with Erwin for the rest of that afternoon.

-

The long awaited bonfire at sunset came fast. He stayed with Erwin, clinging to him like a lost puppy, almost the entire afternoon. They played some ping pong and cornhole to pass the time. He passed Hange and Moblit, who were chatting amongst one another, but he averted his eyes to avoid looking at her. How dare she make his heart ache? She was annoying.

The orange sun was starting to hang low in the sky, the sky turning a dark red. It was something Levi would call “beautiful”. Although he disliked being outdoors, he enjoyed the beauty that sprouted in nature. All the campers were either sitting or standing around the firepit, chatting amongst one another. Erwin and Levi were sitting together on a towel on the slightly damp grass from the rainfall the night before. They were waiting for the bonfire to be lit.

“The weather really cleared up,” Erwin mentioned, leaning back on his palms. Levi agreed. The two boys heard laughing from their left. Levi recognized the laugh almost too easily. He saw Hange and Moblit laughing with each other. Hange was eventually laughing so hard no noise escaped her mouth, her hands resting on her knees. Levi felt himself smile. Her laugh cheered him up. 

Moblit saw him and Erwin, pointing towards them. Hange looked their way and waved. The two started walking over with their towels, laying them down and sitting.

“Hey,” Hange said happily, hugging her knees. “Fuck… I just realized I start school in a few days… At least I got to spend some time away from my parents.”

“I start school in a few days too,” Erwin mentioned. “Levi, what about you?”

“Yeah… same. Where do you go?” he asked. Hange flashed her teeth in her grin as she showed off her sweatshirt.

“Saint Maria High School! It’s my final year there,” Hange replied. Moblit chimed in: “Hange and I go to the same school.” 

“Oh!” Erwin noticed. “I go to Saint Sina! The second sister school. As does Saint Rose…”

“How do we all live so close and haven’t realized?” Levi mentioned. “I go to Rose.” Hange smiled again when she realized Levi went to one of the branch schools. The schools were less than ten minutes away from one another. That must’ve meant Hange and Levi lived close. After all, the camp was for kids in their city.

“Geez…” Moblit sighed. “So, we all live less than twenty minutes from each other and we never met each other?” 

“Seems so…” Levi decided. He took a glance at Hange. She was looking back at him then quickly looked away. 

“I’m gonna go grab some food,” Levi said, standing up. Hange stood too. “Me too!” She brushed off her backside before waving him along. “Let’s go!” 

Moblit and Erwin stayed behind. They had an idea of what was going on between the two, hoping they’d make a move on each other. Levi was grateful for that. They were walking towards the food stand.

“Do you wanna, like,” Levi began, speaking softly. “Hang out sometime… Like, after camp ends?” It seemed like minutes before Hange responded. Levi’s heart was pounding in his chest. She looked at him, her glasses reflecting the crescent moon.

“Are you asking me out?” She asked in a serious tone. After a moment, her cheeks puffed and she laughed softly.

“I guess,” Levi muttered. Hange stopped laughing and gasped.

“Really?” she said. The two gave their orders quickly and waited for them to be prepared.

“...Yeah.” Levi couldn’t believe the shit he was spewing from his mouth. Was he really confessing?

“Well…” She grabbed her tray from the stand. “I’d like that.” Levi grabbed his tray, glancing at her. Her cheeks were flushed red, he wasn’t sure if she was sunburnt or not.

“Me too.” They started to walk back towards their two friends.

“Why did you kiss me?” Levi thought aloud.

“I beat your time, silly,” Hange teased. Levi huffed. They got back to their friends, sitting down. Hange sat a bit closer to Levi than the last time. Levi noticed Erwin and Moblit distanced their towels further away than they were earlier.

You missed. He wanted to say. He didn’t have the guts to say it, though.

“I see…” was all he could muster. Suddenly, the fire grew tall in the firepit; licks of the red and yellow flame dancing in the air. It was beautiful. Levi towards Hange; he noticed her eyes were glowing. 

“You’re beautiful,” Levi said in awe, not realizing he said it aloud. He meant it, too. She looked beautiful in her oversized school sweatshirt and black jean shorts. She looked beautiful with her hair thrown up, her bangs framing her face. She was the most beautiful person. Hange looked towards him, giving him a smile.

“I think I missed when I kissed you,” She chuckled. “Can I try again?” Levi felt his heart start to pound in his chest, begging to escape. He took a deep breath.

“Sure.” She gave him a small smile before leaning in to kiss his lips this time. Levi only realized he was cold when her kiss warmed him up from head-to-toe. She placed her hand on his cheek, gently squishing it. It was chubbier than she thought, and she felt honored to hold him like this. He hadn’t touched her at all besides with his lips. He was too stunned to do anything else. He was leaning back on his hands, his hands gripping the towel beneath them. She pulled away from him, looking a bit breathless.

Maybe she wasn’t so annoying after all.

[etoileholland]

I will make it up to you

@secretmongereaglegiant asked: Hey, I love reading all your Tom Holland imagines! Could you do one of the boys and Tom’s girlfriend y/n are stuck in quarantine but y/n and Harrison haven’t been getting along and it worries Tom.

Pairing: Tom x female reader

Warnings: angst, a sprinkling of bad words, fluff at the end.

Word count: 4.3k

A/N: My first request! Thank you so much for requesting this! I elaborated on it slightly, but I hope that you enjoy it and that I did it justice. As always, requests are open! And let me know if you want to be added to the tag list 💛

(the gif is not mine, all credit goes to its respective owner)

Although being quarantined wasn’t the best, it did have its perks. You were spending more time with Tom than you had in a long time, and it was nice to be able to catch up on movies and TV shows that you didn’t have time to watch earlier. You were also becoming closer with the boys, and they were becoming more like your little brothers than they were friends.

Except for one.

Even from the beginning, you and Harrison butted heads. You were cut from the same cloth, and it only became more amplified when you were stuck in the same home. It could also be attributed to the fact that it’s already been two months of quarantine, and everyone was starting to become stir crazy.

The squabbles started off small, but as time went on, they became worse.

“I can’t stand you, do you know that?” You scoffed as Harrison stood in the kitchen.

“Back at you princess, I can’t believe we’re stuck in the same home, it’s unbearable.”

“Well it wouldn’t be so unbearable if you actually washed the dishes or took out the trash, or I don’t know, stopped blasting music at 2am when everyone is trying to sleep!”

“I didn’t realise me playing music interrupted your 23 hour beauty sleep. You should shoot for 24 hours instead.” He smirked, and you felt as though you could strangle him.

You stood there for a moment, bringing your hands up in the air, before letting out a sigh.

“Okay I’m going to be the better person here and walk away. You can have the last word.” You made your way out of the kitchen calmly, and were met with Tom standing in the hallway.

“Whoa baby what happened? Why were you two fighting?” He asked as he pulled you into an embrace.

“He just doesn’t do anything useful, you know? I have no idea how you’ve been friends with him for this long.” You spoke against his chest, and he rubbed your back. He paused for a minute and didn’t say anything.

Seeing you two argue broke Tom’s heart, and he realised in that moment that this could be a bigger problem than he originally thought.

“He’s not so bad, darling. You could try to play nice with him for a change.” You scoffed, and Tom just laughed.

“Well he started it!” You whined like a child, and Tom just pressed a kiss to your forehead.

“Doesn’t matter. Anyway, wanna go for a walk with me and Tessa?” He asked and you nodded, grabbing your coat.

—

The next week wasn’t much better. Another argument started when Tom suggested that everyone should watch ‘Knifes Out’ together.

“I don’t want to watch a film with her.” Harrison emphasized, “she talks way too much and gets excited and then you have to rewind it to hear what the actors said. It gets annoying after a while.” He huffed as you crossed your arms over your chest.

“Yeah well at least I’m not a stoic statue of a person who has no emotions whatsoever.” You retorted, and Tom only sighed.

You got up from Tom’s lap and stood up. “I don’t even want to watch the movie, I’m gonna go upstairs and take a bath instead.” You said as Harrison just smiled.

“Thank god, I can’t stand her sometimes.” He tossed a piece of popcorn into his mouth as he pushed play on the film. Tom shot him a glance, and Harrison just shrugged his shoulders. “It’s not my fault you decided to date Y/N, or should I say, the devil in disguise.”

—

A few days later when Tom wanted to exercise with Harrison, you became really clingy with him and insisted that he cuddled with you instead.

“But baby I have to work out, you don’t want me getting all soft and flabby do you?” Tom asked as you placed kisses all along his jaw.

“But I want to cuddle.” You whined as you kissed Tom down his neck. He moaned as he pulled you closer into his lap so that your chest was flush against his. You knew exactly what you were doing, but you just wanted him all to yourself. Also, you were doing it out of spite for Harrison.

“Fine darling you win, I’ll cuddle with you.” You let out a small squeal as you placed a kiss on his lips, before nuzzling your face into his neck.

A few minutes later Harrison knocked on yours and Tom’s bedroom door to see what was taking him so long. He opened the door to see you and Tom cuddling, and he gave Harrison a sympathetic glance.

“Sorry mate, Y/N wants to cuddle right now but I promise I’ll workout with you tomorrow. Isn’t that right angel, you’ll let me workout tomorrow?” He cooed as you nodded your head. Just then, you looked up grinning at Harrison, shooting him a look as if to say “I won.”

Harrison huffed as he walked out of the room, slamming the door behind him.

—

Tom felt really torn when hanging out with the both of you. You were his girlfriend and Harrison was his best friend, but you two didn’t get along well at all. It pained him to see that you two couldn’t stand each other for more than five minutes. And he felt guilty when he would spend more time with you than Harrison, and vice versa. It never seemed that he could please you both, but he was determined to make it work.

He was worried that the worst was yet to come, but he didn’t anticipate how quickly it would come.

—

As promised, Tom went to workout with Harrison the next day, but you weren’t keen on the idea of not spending time with Tom.

“C’mon Haz, am I not allowed to watch my strong boyfriend work out?” You cooed as you squeezed Tom’s bicep.

“You can, maybe you can even help with my workout, darling.” Tom said as you clapped. Harrison was glaring at you, and you shot him an innocent look back.

“You don’t even need her help! What is she gonna do, help you lift weights or something?” He threw his hands up, already exasperated.

“I don’t know, she can be here for support, isn’t that right angel?” Tom asked as you kissed his shoulder.

“Exactly.” You grinned as Harrison snarled at you.

You were always lurking around, practically hanging off of Tom, and it infuriated Harrison. He just wanted to spend some time with his mate but you were always vying for Tom’s attention as well.

And one day, Harrison set you off completely, and it was almost irreconcilable.

—

“You fucking idiot! I wish I could just go back home and not look at your god awful face every morning!” You chucked his phone at his face, and he barely dodged it. It smacked against the wall, leaving a dent, but his phone was in perfect condition.

Harrison picked up his phone and inspected it before stuffing it in his pocket. “Good thing I have an Samsung, there’s not one crack in it.” He smirked and let out a small laugh. “Unlike your iPhone that fell off the table and shattered into a million pieces.”

“My phone didn’t ‘fall off the table’-” you gestured, making air quotes with your hands, “it was shoved off the table by a certain someone who thought it would be funny to see how durable my case was. It fell outside on the concrete, of course it would fucking break!” You let out a laugh as you became more furious.

“Well then, you should’ve had a better case.” Harrison smirked. He was having far too much fun annoying you, and he began to laugh when he saw how visibly angry you were becoming.

“I swear I could murder you right now.” You sneered, and Harrison only laughed. “Has anyone ever told you that you’re just a conceited asshole, who’s so vain that you have to have constant validation from literal strangers on the internet to make yourself feel better?” You took a deep breath, pausing before you continued. “But the truth is, if the fans actually knew you like I do, they would be repulsed by how unbearable you truly are.” You crossed your arms as Harrison’s smirk dropped and was replaced with a clenched jaw.

You two stood there in silence, and you were starting to become slightly afraid of the man standing in front of you. Sure he was only a bit taller than you, but the look in his eyes screamed ‘revenge’.

“You know what, Y/N? I literally have had enough of your shit as well. Tom thinks that you are a literal angel, but the truth is that you are the most high maintenance, manipulative and complainy bitch in the world. Trust me, I can see why fans are constantly sending you hate and saying that you don’t deserve Tom, because it’s true. You’re just vile.” He emphasized the last word, and he froze as he saw Tom standing there, jaw clenched.

“What the fuck is wrong with you two?” You looked over and saw Tom holding in tears. “Listen, I love you both equally. Harrison, you’re like my brother, and Y/N, I’m madly in love with you. But right now I can’t stand either one of you. The two people I love more than anything in the world can’t get along, and god it breaks my heart.” He sniffled as he wiped away a tear. You took a step towards him but he took a step back.

“I’m pissed off, and I don’t want to do something, or say something that I know I’ll regret. So until you two can get along, I want the both of you to leave me alone. Y/N you can sleep on the couch tonight.” He said coldly as he took another step back.

“Tom.” You pleaded, but he held a finger up.

“I am this close-” he held up two fingers and pinched them together, “to breaking up with you. Don’t say one more word. And you-” he pointed to Harrison, “are getting on my nerves so much that I’m tempted to pack your things and kick you out. I don’t care that there’s a plague going on, I am so furious that I would kick you out in a heartbeat. Why the fuck can’t you two get along?” He stormed out of the room and went into his bedroom, slamming the door shut.

You and Harrison stood there in silence, shocked at what just happened. After a minute, Harrison spoke.

“Shit, we’ve really fucked up now. He never gets this mad at people, and when he does, that means he’s at the end of his rope.” Harrison muttered as you began to cry. “Even if we can’t stand each other, we have a mutual love for Tom. And right now, he’s ready to get rid of the both of us if we continue to argue.”

“Yeah, you’re right. Half the time, our arguing is pointless anyway. How did this even start?” You wiped a tear away from your cheek and Harrison just shrugged.

“Honestly, I have no clue. I think it may be because we’re kinda similar in a lot of ways.”

“Maybe, we’re both slightly passive aggressive.”

“And we’re both competitive.” Harrison replied

“And we’re always vying for Tom’s attention. Does that make us jealous?” You asked, and Harrison nodded.

“I’ve always been jealous, it’s a bad habit of mine.”

“Me too.” You replied as you took a seat at the kitchen island. Harrison pulled a beer out of the fridge. He proceeded to open it and leaned against the counter, taking a long drink.

“You know, maybe we could put our differences aside for Tom. We’re both very important people in his life, and why would we toss all that aside just because we’re arguing? You asked as you massaged your temples. “Can you grab a beer for me please?”

“Since when do you drink? You’re always nagging us to stop drinking because it’s bad for our health.” Harrison replied.

“Yeah well I think the situation calls for it, now gimme.” You made grabby hands as he walked over and handed you the drink. You took a sip and grimaced. “God this stuff is terrible! How can you even drink this?” You scrunched your nose up as you slid the drink over. “I need a chaser, asap.”

Harrison laughed as he reached into the fridge and pulled out a bottle of Coca Cola for you. He popped the lid off and set it down in front of you.

“Thank you.” You took a sip and smacked your lips together. “Now this is better.” You both laughed, and for the first time in a while, you were actually enjoying his company.

“I have an idea.” You stated, which caused Harrison to look up at you. He raised his eyebrow as took another sip of his beer, finishing it before reaching for yours.

“Oh no, what is it?” He asked as you grinned.

“Why don’t we do something really nice for Tom so that he can see that we work together well, and so he’ll forgive us really quickly because I already miss him.”

“Okay, let’s show Tom that we can be friendly so that he won’t kick us out of here!” Harrison walked over and you two high fived.

“So what’s the plan?” You asked as you took another sip of your soda. Harrison pulled up the chair next to you and sat down, contemplating on what to do next.

“I don’t know, maybe we can make him a cake that says ‘sorry for being ass-hats’.” He laughed as you sat there thinking about it.

“Let’s do it.” You clapped your hands together and stood up from the chair.

“You can’t be serious, really?” Harrison asked as you began to rummage around the cupboard for baking ingredients.

“Why not? What have we got to lose? And besides, it would show that we can put our disdain aside and collaborate on something. Can you grab the sugar for me please? I’m too short to reach it.”

Harrison laughed as he walked over and grabbed the bag of sugar for you. “Okay if I remember correctly, Tom loves chocolate cake. Or was it red velvet cake that he likes? Hm I’m not sure, anyway let’s make him whatever kind of cake that we can, with the ingredients we have lying around.” You nodded as you grabbed the well loved cookbook from the counter and flipped through it.

“What do we have in the cupboards? Can you please check love?” You asked Harrison as he let out a small laugh.

“Oh now we’re calling each other pet names? Look at us being amicable, princess.” He added as you let out a laugh.

After a few minutes of searching, you realised you had nothing good to throw into a cake.

“Well, so much for that.” Harrison tossed his apron on the counter, but you had an idea.

“We have an egg, graham crackers and some chocolate, right?” You asked and Harrison nodded.

“Good, I can make a French Silk pie real quick. it’s almost so good that it might make Tom forget how much he’s mad at us.”

And the pie was almost that good. Harrison even surprised the household by preparing dinner. He had made tortellini and garlic bread for everyone, and you had helped with dessert.

“Wow, what happened? And why are you two not killing each other?” Sam asked as he hesitantly took a seat at the table. Harry soon followed as he let out a gasp. “You didn’t kill Tom, did you? Is that why we haven’t seen him all day?” He asked as you and Harrison both shook your head no.

“Well, you see, Tom is mad at the both of us because we can’t get along.”

“He’s ready to break up with Y/N and kick me out of the house.” Harrison added.

“That is true, he did say that. But we’re hoping that he’ll forgive us, and see that Harrison and I are now friends.” He looked at you and nodded, and Sam and Harry just sat there in silence.

“Right, well good luck with that. I don’t think he can be won over that easy.” Sam added as Harry nodded.

Tuwaine came in and took a seat at the table as well. “Oh yeah I heard your argument, it was rough.” He said as he took a bite of the garlic bread. “Damn that’s good.” He said as he took another bite.

Tom came down from his room and stormed past you both so he could grab a glass of water. His face was puffy, and his eyes were swollen and red. You could tell that he had been crying, and it broke your heart that you couldn’t console him. You were the reason he was crying.

“Hey, um Harrison and I cooked for you. We made tortellini, garlic bread, and pie for dessert.” You spoke quietly, as if not to anger him anymore.

“That’s true, we make a good team.” Harrison added as he put his arm around you. Tom stood there expressionless, and just nodded.

“Cool, thanks.” He grabbed a plate and dished himself up. He stormed past you again, making his way back into his room and locking the door. Harry, Sam and Tuwaine all looked at you, pausing, before continuing to eat their dinner.

“Sam, I think you may be right. He’s gonna he mad at us for a long time.”

—

Later that night, after you and Harrison washed the dishes, you tried to get into Tom’s room. You remembered that he said you could sleep on the couch tonight, but you didn’t really think he meant it.

“Tommy, it’s late. Can you open the door so I can go to bed?” You asked through the door, and you heard some shuffling inside the room. Tom cracked the door open and threw some clothes at you, and swiftly closed and locked the door. “I meant it when I said you would be sleeping on the couch tonight.” He replied coldly.

You began to cry as you realised the extent of the situation, and how he was showing no sign of changing his mind. You picked up the clothes and made your way into the living room. It was nearly midnight and everyone else was in their rooms, so you got changed in the living room and crawled onto the couch. You sobbed loudly, letting out little hiccups as you cried some more. A few minutes later Harrison came out of his bedroom, pillow and blanket in hand.

“I’m sorry if I woke you up with my crying.” You sobbed as you rubbed your eyes.

“You didn’t, I mean I could hear you, but that’s not why I came in here. I wanted to say I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for Tom to be so mad at you, and I didn’t think he was really willing to break up with you over our feud.” He handed you the blanket and pillow, and you set them on the couch. “I didn’t mean what I said earlier, I think I was just mad that you were always wanting to spend time with him. You do make him really happy though, when you’re not around he constantly gushes about you.” He looked down and you motioned for him to sit next to you on the couch.

“I’m sorry too, I also didn’t mean anything I said earlier. I think I was just jealous of you spending time with him; it felt like you were taking him away from me. And it’s been hard since I can’t go back home, you know. It’s hard not being around family, and I forget that Tom and the boys are your family. I guess I haven’t really handled this whole situation well, and I shouldn’t have taken it out on you.” You sniffed. Harrison handed you the tissue box and you smiled.

“I’m sorry Y/N for being a jerk.”

“And I’m sorry for being a bitch.” You added.

“You’re not, you’re really good for him.”

“You too.”

You scooted closer to Harrison and put your head on his shoulder. He stroked your hair and placed a kiss on the top of your head.

“Friends?” He asked as he extended his hand out.

“Friends.” You said as you shook his hand, signifying that your feud was over.

“Would you want to watch a movie?” Harrison asked as you moved your head so that you could look at him.

“I thought you hated watching movies with me. I talk too much and get too excited.” You said as he frowned.

“I didn’t mean that either, you’re just really passionate about things and I envy that about you.” He added and you grabbed his hand. You gave it a little squeeze before letting go.

“And I envy that you’re not dramatic.” You let out a laugh, and Harrison joined in. He positioned himself so that he was laying on the couch, and his head was on your lap. You were stroking his head and playing with his hair.

“How about you pick the movie, princess.” He whispered as you grabbed the remote.

“Is Tangled okay, love?” You whispered back and he only nodded.

“Of course.”

A few minutes into the film, you both were starting to get sleepy. You crawled next to him so that you were both laying on the couch next to each other. He put his arm around your waist, and you covered both you and him with the blanket. Before you knew it, you were both sound asleep.

Tom woke up at 3am, and nearly had a panic attack when he realised you weren’t sleeping next to him.

Oh that’s right, I’m mad at my girlfriend and best friend. He thought to himself. His head was pounding from all the crying, and he knew that he was dehydrated. Slowly, he got up, holding a hand to his forehead as he went to get a glass of water from the kitchen.

He walked past the living room, but stopped in his tracks when he saw you and Harrison curled up next to each other on the couch. You two looked peaceful, and Harrison’s lips were curled into a little smile.

He let out a small smile, and a tear escaped his eye. This was the first time that you two had gotten along, and the sight of it made him cry. He tried to contain his crying but he couldn’t, the tears were steaming down his face. He let out a small sob, and he tried his best to not wake you.

You had woken up to see Tom standing there, sobbing. You looked over at Harrison, who was also stirring.

“Oh shit.” You said under your breath. Harrison immediately untangled himself from you as you both sat up. You were expecting Tom to be mad and accuse you of cheating, but instead he only shook his head.

“So, you two really do get along now.” He said as he wiped a tear away. You handed him a tissue and he took it, blowing his nose before tossing it in the garbage.

“Yeah, Y/N and I are friends now. We pushed our differences aside and realised that the other person isn’t so bad.” You both looked at each other and smiled, and looked back at Tom.

“Tommy I’m sorry for being terrible and for not getting along with Harrison.”

“I’m sorry for not getting along with Y/N, she’s lovely and I’m happy she’s your girlfriend.”

“I’m happy he’s your best friend.” You added as Harrison kissed you on the top of the head.

“And I’m sorry for threatening to break up with you, and also saying that I would kick you out. I didn’t mean it at all, and I’m sorry.” Tom let out a hiccup as he wiped a tear away. “Do you forgive me?” He whispered as you all nodded. Tom held out his arms as you and Harrison both went to give him a hug. After a minute and some more crying, you all pulled away. Tom then grabbed onto your waist and pulled you into a long kiss.

“I love you Y/N, so much. I can’t spend any more time without you.” He sobbed as you put your arms around his neck and pressed your lips to his.

“Will you sleep with me, please? I miss you.” He whispered and you replied “Of course.” He picked you up and you wrapped your legs around his torso.

“Harrison, I love you mate.” Tom said, still carrying you as you placed kisses along his jaw.

“I love you too mate, now go get some sleep.” He replied as Tom led you into his bedroom.

—

After this, you and Harrison were nearly inseparable.

“Okay so I was thinking, you could join me on my jog today and then you could teach me some yoga.” Harrison stated as you were all having breakfast. You took a sip of your coffee and nodded. You two were sitting next to each other, with your shoulders touching.

“And after that, we can watch Fleabag together.” You added as he nodded excitedly.

“Oh! We can’t forget about working on that puzzle.”

“And you still have to buy me a new phone, you did shatter mine.” You added as you both laughed.

“With a better case, of course.” He said as you lightly elbowed him in the side.

“Oh, definitely.” You laughed, as Harrison looked over at you and grinned.

Tom sat across from you both as you made plans for the whole day, and a smile crept onto his face.

“Can I join in?” He asked as you and Harrison both glanced at him.

“Hmm, nope, sorry mate. She’s all mine now.” Harrison said, leaning his head on your shoulder as Tom pouted.

“Something tells me I’m going to be the third wheel from now on.” Tom remarked as everyone at the table broke out in laughter.

——

Mes petits anges (taglist): @starkissedholland @scarletxwidow @fangirlwithasweettooth

[echo-three-one]

Whatever It Takes

A sequel to "A Forgotten Memory"

Alex is once again tasked to continue his mission in pursuing the threat that had caused hundreds of missing persons turn up dazed the next day. But now he isn't alone, join him along with the elite Task Force 141 as they hunt down Nero, discover the secrets behind his plans and put an end to this memory erasing nightmare.

Chapter 1 to another story made by Ray (echo-three-one) Comments and Reviews appreciated! I hope you enjoy! Love you all ❤️

"Resurgence"

"Alex"

CIA Warcom

Boracay Island, Philippines

Alex basked himself on the warm sandy beaches of the Philippines. He wasn't able to enjoy his vacation after the Nero mission, because he was sent immediately to Urzikstan and Verdansk immediately followed. And now that all of those were over, he now laid down on a beach chair and let the ocean breeze blow on his relaxed state.

Philippines was a nice country, the people were hospitable, the food was delicious and unique and the scenery was beyond amazing. Despite his metal leg, people still looked up at him the way they look at tourists and he was all of the hospitality and attention from his fellow Americans who are also on vacation to locals who were just amazed on how the leg works.

It's been a lot of months ever since Samantha forgot him, but he couldn't shake the feeling that they'll meet again, that's why no matter many women try to show interest in him, he shrugs them off politely by pretending he has a girlfriend. A simple lie that he built for himself in hopes of a miracle of meeting her again.

He always brought her letter with him, some edges of it got burnt from the time he manually detonated a C4 explosive to destroy a gas factory, It was almost torn and faded, but he couldn't leave it somewhere safe. He wanted it to be with him wherever he goes. 

'Don't you dare forget about me'

His phone rang. He quickly fished it from a small pouch he bought that the locals made and immediately answered.

"This is Alex speaking." he chimed.

"I'm sorry to bother you at this time of day Alex, but I have a feeling you'd want to jump in on this." a British accent so familiar informed him over the other side of the line, It was none other than Captain John Price or Bravo Six, a comrade he once fought with back in Urzikstan.

"I'm all ears." he said, sitting up straight and letting his metal leg sink in the sand.

"Looks like your boy Nero is back on the grid. That Sneaky bastard kidnapped the Daughter of the Head of Defense, again." Price relayed.

Alex's heart thumped faster, his breathing became quick. He wished to meet her again but not like this. Not her being in harm's way all over again.

"Shit. Count me in. But.." he hesitated. He wanted to help but remembered he disobeyed CIA orders back in Urzikstan, making him unable to provide support.

"I've talked to Laswell. She's creating a special assignment for you."

"What does that mean?"

"It means welcome to the 141, Alex." Price said as he cut off the call, followed by a message regarding his departure to their base.

~

Alex can't help but worry about Samantha's condition. They've played with her memories multiple times and he thought that it would all be over after she decided to alter everything about them. Guess the enemy didn't know and they're still after her.

The soldier leaned on to the small circular glass pane as he looked at the clouds pass by. His hands were fidgeting each other while his non-metal foot bounced up and down at a fast rate. His seatmate, who happens to be a teenager, noticed his distracting leg movement but ignored it as rock music blasted from his ears. He was a completely different Alex right now and he believed that he'll be back to normal as soon as he sees Samantha safe and within his grasp.

When you have a heavy metal stick as a leg, customs is going to be the most annoying place in the world. Everyone looked at Alex as soon as he passes the metal detector and everyone else's eyes were on him. Of course with a few more safety checks and a whole lot of explaining, Alex was good to go. 

"So, you're the one they call Alex" the heavily British accented driver mused, breaking the silence of their ride to the 141 base. He was looking at him via the rearview mirror, chewing on what Alex hoped to be gum.

"Yep. That's me." he replied, turning to the view of the British streets which confused him a lot as it was the opposite of American or even Global streets.

"Heard they thought you were dead back there. In Georgia." he added. He was quite the chatterbox but CIA Agents are all about the information.

"Yeah. Tried to manually detonate the C4. After that… I just ran for my life." Alex answered, his head was realizing why he did it. What pushed him to think that he could make it out alive. Was it because it's for the greater good? The idea of freeing Farah's country from the harm of the gas? The idea of a chance to meet Samantha all over again? Or something he couldn't explain.

"Well, we're glad to have you back, Alex. But it's a shame it's no longer in the CIA." the driver waved as Alex opened the door and unloaded his stuff.

"As long as it's still about saving the world." he replied, making the driver smile. 

"That's what we do, right?" he agreed as he entered in his car leaving Alex in front a quiet gray building, the Task Force 141 Base, his new home.

Alex pushed the heavy doors open revealing a large hall, multiple round sofas were embedded to the ground and a huge staircase that split left and right greeted him. Multiple heads turned as he opened the said door and slowly walked his way to the nearest person who happened to be panting from exhaustion by the sofa. His metal leg clanked on his every step as the soldiers begin to recognize him. They smiled as soon as Alex's eyes met theirs and some even waved, Alex met them from several missions from the past, some were from the Demon Dogs and his previous designations, Delta Force.

"Where's the briefing room in this huge building?" he asked the soldier in a black t shirt drenched in sweat as he spun his towel trying to keep up with his breathing. He didn't speak but he nodded in acknowledgement and pointed to the hallway on the left. Alex left him a thanks and he walked his way to the direction where he pointed.

Just a few steps after the beginning of the hallway, the people from the main hall cheered and laughed, this made Alex turn around and he saw a young blonde man with spiky hair dash across him, he looked like he's on his way to your destination as well.

"Excuse me! Sir!" he yelled and Alex immediately halted. The young man panted in front of him and took a few seconds to breathe before he countinued his words.

"I'm Gary Sanderson, and I was supposed to guide you to the briefing room. You must be Alex." he reached out a hand and Alex shook it, quietly making your way to the room.

The huge door slid open and they found themselves in a dimly lit room, a huge screen loomed just by the wall and chairs were placed around a long circular table. Alex could spot a few familiar faces, faces he once saw and fought alongside with in Verdansk. There was the balaclava boy, Ghost, the Mohawk Man, Soap, their Captain, John Price and a few big heads from the United States. There were also new faces like Gary, who was now discussing something with another new soldier, a female soldier who sat by Price and a few new more who were already sitting on the chairs. There's also someone missing, Kyle Garrick, he pondered where he was.

The former CIA quickly saw Gary rush to Price's seat and whispered something causing him to lean on his chair, stand up and walk to his side. 

"Glad to see you back in the fight, Alex." he muttered, patting Alex's shoulder.

"I won't skip out on this mission, this one's close to home." he replied, patting his back in return.

"Yeah, heard this was your last mission before the Russian Gas." 

"Yeah. It's a loose end on my side." Alex nodded, crossing his arms.

"Good thing Shepherd had some sense in him. Not unlike your CIA heads, huh?" 

Alex nodded. He remembered he did an illegal thing against the CIA, and that was siding with Farah's forces, who were reclassified as global terror groups at that time. He silently thanked he could still step back in the fight along with the good guys even after that event.

"Yeah. I might have to thank him soon enough." Alex murmured and Price guided him to the briefing which was about to start in a few minutes.

~

"Before we start our mission briefing, I'd like to welcome each and everyone of you to the 141. A group of the most elite warriors from around the world tasked to eliminate terrorist threats lurking in the shadows. One of which, goes by the name Nero…" General Shepherd's voice was deep and serious, while the screen showed a photo of the guy they're after. His face looked punchable, as manifested by the way Alex clenched his fists while he stared at his soulless eyes.

"… whose goal is still unknown. He poses a threat as he has been out in American soil, which we believe is the one behind the multiple missing and reappearing person cases across the country." he continued, eyeing Alex. He knew a little bit about the case, maybe because he read his report.

"Since he poses no evidence of terrorist activity as of now, we are assigned to rescue and locate the daughter of Richard Coleman, America's Head of National Defense. We don't know why she was kidnapped but we believed it is or ransom or threatening purposes." The general explained, pacing back and forth, his shadow covered the screen.

Alex wanted to say something. Something about the details surrounding the case. It was written on his report. But then again, maybe the general already knew about the alteration, and since Samantha doesn't remember any IP Address, it was no longer worth noting.

Samantha's face was projected on the screen. Alex's heart began to beat faster, she looked different now, a little chubbier, longer hair and her smile felt happier. It was heartbreaking that she got caught in the crossfire again. After all those efforts of making her life normal.

'If our paths would cross again, I hope you'll remember me the way I remembered you before I take this operation, A good memory that's supposed to last forever. '

'Don't you dare forget about me.'

Her words echoed in his mind, using the same voice she had when they were together. 

"I will save you again if I had to.." he promised to her mentally, as he tightened the clench he was already doing.

"Our intel reports that twelve hours ago, local informants spotted an unknown flying vehicle just by the Georgian Border, local authorities confirmed that this wasn't one of their aircraft and we believe it could be the getaway vehicle of Samantha Coleman and her captors… We are still looking on to this so for the meantime I want each and one of you to be fully alert and ready for deployment."

Everyone else fell silent. It meant they agreed at what the high ranking official said. A few more words were exchanged such as new additions to the team, aside from Alex. He didn't seem to focus much on the second part of the brief as his mind worried a lot about Samantha. If his instincts were right, she's probably sedated once again, taking a trip down her own memory lane.

Chapter 2 : F.N.G.

[yuta-nakamots]

119 - n.jm

Pairing - Jaemin x Reader

Genre - Horror/Thriller, Angst

Warnings - Cheating, familial problems, character death, mentions of sex (though no descriptions of it), blood, violence, public humiliation (not in a nsfw way), yandere tendencies

Summary - Misfortune is all around you though you were never the true victim of it until now with Jaemin by your side. Will you make it through these troubles or die trying? Will you be killed or become the killer?

Word Count - 4.1k

Written for the #NeoHalloween writing festival hosted by @nct-writers​. Check out the masterlist here.

To say that your life was rough would be just about an understatement. As a third-year student in university, you had already moved out on your own and had begun supporting yourself. Though your family was wealthy, it didn’t mean that everything in your life was handed to you on a silver platter because not everything that glitters is gold.

Your mother, who used to be a strong businesswoman who started up her own brand, was left heartbroken and devastated when she found out your father and seemingly loving husband had been having an affair for the past two years. She turned to alcohol and drugs in order to forget her sorrows and give her relief if only for a short while. You didn’t know what happened to your father after he moved out, only that he was happy with the woman he had been cheating with.

It soon became an addiction and you tried your best to save her. You scheduled and brought her into therapy appointments and followed her doctor’s orders to keep a close eye on her, but there’s only so much a college student can do. Your younger brother wasn’t helping at all either.

Chenle, only a year younger than you, has had his eyes set on taking over your mother’s business ever since he realized that special treatment he got at school from others when they heard his last name. He fed into your mother’s addictions and would reverse all the progress you made with her. “Don’t you want her money? She’s not in any state to get back in the business world so let’s just take what she has and run.” Chenle told you one night after you had finally succeeded at putting your mother to bed.

You looked at Chenle, appalled that he would even dare to say such a thing, even more at the fact that he had been thinking about this for so long. “We’re her children,” you reminded him, “she will share it with us as she wishes and she can make a comeback if you just stopped making things worse.”

“Me? Making things worse?” Chenle scoffed, mocking his disbelief. “I’m only helping things along. The faster she stops breathing, the faster we’ll get her money and I’ll get her business.” You could only shake your head at him as you pulled him out of your mother’s bedroom that now seemed much too large for her frail self. “Think about it, we can take over and split it fifty-fifty and the media would love us for it. ‘Zhong children take over their mother’s business after her passing in honor of her legacy’. Come on, can’t you see it?”

You felt nauseous at the images Chenle was painting in your mind and you knew there was only so much more of this that you could handle before you reached your own breaking point.

That’s why you brought your mother into a care home when you and Chenle were supposed to be at school. He wouldn’t know where you took her and you chose to pay for it using the money in your own bank account, though admittedly most of it was your mother’s money. Your parents had already bought you your own apartment when you first entered college, in case you wanted more independence though your mother’s condition is what stopped you from leaving. But the same day you left her at the care home was the same day you finally moved in.

As long as your mother was away from Chenle and you went in to check on her daily, everything would be fine, so you thought. You had even met your neighbor and he helped you move in. He was your age, even attended the same school, and went by the name of Jaemin.  

Ever since your first year in college, your life had already been filled with issues from your own family on top of the already heavy workload from classes, leaving you little to no room for a social life. You weren’t an outcast, but you definitely weren’t popular. People usually didn’t spare you a second glance unless they knew the lineage you came from which is why you suddenly felt small under the eyes that were staring into you.

Looking up as you took your seat in economics, you saw the familiar face of your neighbor, Jaemin, as he smiled down at you. As you settled into your seat, he slipped into the one next to you before leaning over and whispering a ‘good morning’ in your ear. You’d be lying if you said you didn’t find him attractive.

Within just a week of having known Jaemin, he had already become one of your closest friends, which came as a surprise since he was also one of the most popular boys on campus. But that didn’t stop him from walking home with you after both of you were done for the day. “A princess should never be left to walk on her own.” Jaemin insisted. “Who knows what dangers could be out there, waiting to attack her?” He pondered animatedly as he linked his arm with yours as you started your journey back to your apartment complex.

It was also within a week that it took Chenle to confront you. There he stood, in front of your apartment unit as you and Jaemin stepped out of the elevator. “What did you do with her?” Chenle demanded.

“What do you mean?” You questioned, faking cluelessness as came to stand in front of him, leaving Jaemin at his own unit.

Chenle rolled his eyes. “You know damn well what I mean. Where’s mom and what did you do with her?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” You remarked dismissively as you unlocked your door.

“She’s living with you isn’t she?” Chenle sneered, barging into your apartment the second your door was unlocked.

“Go ahead, search all you want. You won’t find her here.” You took off your shoes inside the doorway before depositing your belongings in your room while listening to Chenle romp around in the background. Once you had finished unpacking your bag, you stepped out of your room, closing the door behind you, your brother still going on his little rampage. “Can you tone down the temper tantrum? I’m going to get a noise complaint from the-”

Your sentence was cut off as he pinned you against the wall, his hands holding you by your shoulders as your back slammed into the hard surface. “From who? Who will you get a noise complaint from?” His eyes bore into yours as his grip only tightened. “You know damn well that we own this apartment complex so a single noise complaint doesn’t mean jack shit.”

You raised your hand to slap him, his attitude was simply annoying, but he was faster. Chenle quickly had both of your wrists in one hand as he brought his face closer to yours. “Stop being such a bitch and tell me where she is.”

“You know I won’t do that.” Chenle let out a groan of frustration, his free hand running through his hair before it came straight for your throat. You yelped in shock as he started to apply pressure, slowly limiting your oxygen intake.

“If you’re not going to help me, then maybe I should just kill you. Right here, right now.”

“You would never.” You choked out.

“Oh yeah? What makes you say that?” He sneered, enjoying the pitiful state he had you in.

“I’m your fucking sister, Chenle.”

“That doesn’t mean anything to me. If I let you live, you’ll only take more of what is rightfully mine. If you die, I can take over everything on my own and never have to deal with your annoying ass-”

Just as quickly as you started seeing spots in your vision, they were gone, the pressure on your throat was relieved and you keeled over, finally able to take gulps of air. You weren’t given much time to recover, the yells from your brother down the hallway pulling you out of your haze as he fought with another person on top of him. “Who the fuck are you?” Chenle exclaimed.

“Her boyfriend,” the person said, the deep voice easily recognizable, “don’t you dare hurt her ever again, or else it will be you getting killed instead.”

“You talk as if you have the power to do so.” Chenle retorted, only angering his attacker further.

They landed a square punch on his jaw before pulling a book off the shelf next to them and slamming it into his head, effectively knocking Chenle out. “Jaemin, what are you doing?” You yell, running in to stop him from doing any further damage.

“I heard him hurting you, princess. I can’t just let him get away with it.” He explained, pouting at you as if your brother was not lying unconscious under him. “I saved your life didn’t I?”

“God,-fuck, Jaemin, just get off of him.” You yanked him to his feet before attempting to pull Chenle up onto your back.

“Oh? What is my pretty girl doing now?” Jaemin asked, a sadistic smile appearing on his face.

“Getting him to a hospital because I can’t have my brother dying in my own apartment you sick fuck.”

Jaemin chuckled before responding while taking Chenle from your arms and carrying him on his own. “He won't die, he’ll just be knocked out for a bit.”

“And how would you know that?” You ask as you guide Jaemin out the front door, trying your best not to panic as you map out the way to your car and to the hospital.

“Experience.”

Jaemin’s answer should have troubled you but it was the least of your worries once you were nearly speeding on your way to the hospital, wanting to make sure Chenle was okay. You brought him into the ER drive-in and you and Jaemin watched as the staff wheeled him away on a stretcher. You stayed to answer a few questions, claiming that it was a case of self-defense out on the streets and you had come across it on your way home with your, self-proclaimed, boyfriend, before heading out once all the information was sorted.

“So, Chenle Zhong...he’s your brother?” Jaemin started as both of you were getting back into your car. You nodded as you started the engine and put on your seatbelt. “Which means...Sarah Zhong, The Sarah Zhong is your mother?” Again, you nodded as you shifted the car into gear and pulled out from the ER drop-off zone. “So he was in your apartment, about to kill you because he didn’t know where his own mother went?”

“There’s a lot more to it than that, but let’s just get home first and I’ll explain everything to you then, okay?” Jaemin let out a grunt to acknowledge you as he placed a hand on your thigh and went to check his phone. “But first, actually, what’s up with you suddenly becoming my boyfriend? First with Chenle and now at the hospital?”

“Isn’t that what I am?” Jaemin asked, his voice sickly sweet.

“You are a boy and you are my friend, but that does not make you my boyfriend, Jaemin.”

He sighed next to you. “What if I asked you right now? What if I asked, right now, ‘y/n Zhong, will you be my girlfriend’? What would your answer be?” You drove in silence, your mind going blank. “I know you find me attractive.” He interjected before letting it go silent once again. “Look, it’s not like you have any other choice or else-”

“‘Or else’ what?” You interrupted. “Tell me, why do I not have a choice here? Why are you forcing me to be your girlfriend?”

Jaemin gently squeezed your thigh upon noticing your hands were shaking on the wheel. “You pretty brother will probably press charges against me and if you don’t want your family to get exposed, the best way to do so would be following the alibi we set out for ourselves.”

Coming to a stop at a red light, you leaned forward and rested your forehead against the top of the steering wheel. “Fuck.” Jaemin was absolutely right. “Fuck” you yelled, this time startling the boy next to you.

Jaemin remained quiet as you sat hunched over before quietly mumbling “green” to let you know the light had changed colors. You drove through the intersection, feeling something in your life shift, and so began your relationship with Jaemin.

You had explained everything to Jaemin that day once you arrived back at your apartment complex, from your father’s affair up until now with Chenle having confronted you earlier in the evening. You had also broken down in tears and asked Jaemin to stay the night with you, which he gladly agreed to do, not that it would have been much trouble for him anyways since he lives next door.

A fake sense of calm consumed you in the following month. You and Jaemin entered a sort of honeymoon phase in your semi-fake relationship while your mother’s health continued to improve and Chenle made his recovery. You don’t know how he did it, but Jaemin had managed to doctor up some footage, making it look as if Chenle had been mugged just outside of the complex, and two figures, assumed to be you and Jaemin, came into view and helped him into a car nearby before driving off.

The investigators didn’t stay around much longer after that, closing the case as if it were as easy as a hit and run. You knew Chenle would be furious with you and you lived every day in fear of him turning up unannounced, ready to take your life again. Being with Jaemin made you feel safe, oddly enough, even with all the red flags he had thrown your way. From knocking Chenle out to the fixed footage and even the way he had the proper cleaning supplies to wipe any evidence of Chenle having been in your apartment.

Jaemin showed you love more intensely than any of your past relationships that sometimes you had to remind yourself why you were doing this. The way he kissed you was absolutely enrapturing, the way he caressed every part of you so gently sent butterflies through your body. He had even made love to you a few times, all while confessing his adoration for you. He held your hand and let you wear his clothing, acting as a model boyfriend that any girl would wish to have.

Being with Jaemin wasn’t all that great though. He teased you, sometimes even publicly embarrassed you, though he chalked it up to being his way of showing his affection. Today was the worst of all. You had stayed up trying to finish a paper for econ, but you just couldn’t get the words to flow and ended up bullshitting nearly all of it. Jaemin had known all of this, yet he volunteered your essay to share during class when your professor had asked for any names. “Ah yes, Ms. Zhong, it would be a pleasure to hear your writing.” He said as he stepped down from the podium.

“Jaemin, I fucking swear to god-” You whispered through a fake smile.

“It’s okay princess, you got this. You’re smart, I know you are.” He encouraged through a genuine smile though the intentions behind it were less so.

As you stood up on the podium, you cleared your throat while holding your sad excuse for a research paper. “I wrote my essay on the stock market and investments, and how we shouldn’t buy into such things as all these numbers are digital and cannot be withdrawn into physical money.”

“With all due respect, Ms. Zhong, your paper sounds absolutely wonderful but the topic of this research paper was on how politics affect economies worldwide.” Your professor informed you.

You paused, feeling hot chills pass over you. “Uh, yes, that’s what my essay is on. I just meant that I had chosen to write about it from a more fundamental scale.”

“Oh, yes, of course!” Your professor exclaimed, clasping his hands together. “Please, do continue in that case, I’m terribly sorry for interrupting.”

“So, like I was saying,” you began again, glancing over at Jaemin, only for him to shoot you a smile, “we should not buy into the stock market since it is all digital and wealth is not promised.” Your presentation went on like this for the next few minutes, occasionally looking at Jaemin whenever you wanted to finish and step off the podium, but his gaze changed immediately whenever you took a step towards the edge and it forced you to stay up there, talking around in circles, confusing yourself. “This is why prices are so inflated with what our past presidents have done in the economy-”

“Thank you, Ms. Zhong. I do believe it is time we moved on to the next paper.” Your professor advised, much to your relief as he gave you a look of pity and condolence while allowing you to step down before he resumed his position at the front of the class.

You were on the edge of tears as you sat back down next to Jaemin and you swatted his hand away from you when he tried to wrap an arm around you as if to comfort you. You felt your phone vibrating in your bag as Jaemin texted you but you didn’t even bother checking it, choosing to zone out while staring at the white walls of the lecture hall instead.

After your professor excused the class for the day, you made a beeline for the apartments, not even caring that you still had one more class. Jaemin called out for you and ran after you but you thanked whatever divine being above that blessed you by letting Jeno, his best friend, pull him off to their shared biology class.

Had you been a little more attentive, maybe you would’ve noticed the near carbon copy of your car parked at the end of the garage as you pulled out. But you didn’t, only seeking your mother’s comfort as you drove off to the care home since it had indeed been a week since you had last visited and you promised that you would come at least once a week.

When you arrived at the care home and passed through the main lobby, greeting the staff working as you were a familiar face among them, one of them stopped you. “Ms. Zhong! Sorry to stop you, but a person by the name of Chenle Zhong came by to pick up your mother. We didn’t know if this was something you had arranged or not but he had all the credentials and your mother seemed to recognize him enough so we let her go.”

You froze in absolute shock and panic. “What do you mean you let her go? You left her with some stranger that you don’t even know?”

“We’re truly sorry, but he did have all the paperwork to prove his relation to you and your mother so there was nothing we could do.” The worker said, speaking quickly in hopes of ceasing your anger.

You took a couple of deep breaths before looking around, noticing all the eyes on you. “How much did he pay?” Silence. “I said, how much did he pay?” You yelled.

“$150,000.” The woman behind the front desk spoke up. You knew it, you fucking knew it would happen but now there was nothing left to do except wait for Chenle to show up.

You don’t know what came over you but something compelled you to enter Jaemin’s apartment instead of yours once you returned to the apartments so you went along with it, dropping your bag at the foot of his bed before lying down and falling asleep as you waited for him to finish at school.

Your sleep was a black dreamless sleep and you woke with a jolt, your heart pounding, not knowing what time it was nor why you woke up in this state. You looked out of the window, noting that it was now dark out, meaning that you had probably slept for at least an hour or two, which answered your first immediate question. The answer to the second came when you finally registered the yelling coming from next door. Next door...your apartment.

Scrambling out of Jaemin’s bed, you didn’t even bother putting on your shoes, bursting in through your front door and running down the main hallway towards the living room, the source of all the noise, to find a bloodied Jaemin on top of an equally, if not more, bloodied Chenle, the weapon in question lying a few feet away from them, the warm red liquid slowly dripping from the blade of the kitchen knife onto your beige carpet. “Jaemin, what the fuck are you doing?!” Both boys paused at the sound of your voice.

“Oh, my sweet girl, I had come home to wait for you after you had run away but instead he came to me. I knew all about how he had bought you mother so I figured, why not give him injuries that will cost another $150,000?” His face smiling at you with the bloodied fingerprints plastered on his pale skin was a sight you knew you’d never forget.

You slowly stepped towards them, your brain working at speeds beyond your comprehension. “Jaemin, how did you know about my mother? I had only just come from there so unless Chenle told you...” you paused to look over at your brother, who shook his head before coughing up some blood, spitting some in a glob at Jaemin.

Jaemin cooed at Chenle as he wiped the blood off his face before running that same hand through Chenle’s hair, locking his fingers into it and yanking Chenle’s head back at a painful angle. Chenle yelled out in pain, his cries muffled when Jaemin pulled a blanket off your couch and stuffed it into Chenle’s mouth. “You see, princess, I had their security circuit pulled even before you told me about your family’s misfortune.”

“Wha- but how...why?...” You struggled to grasp at all the information being connected in your head.

“Your cheating father had an affair with not only your mother and mine as well.” He looked between you and Chenle, enjoying the shock that was mirrored in both of your expressions. “That’s right, my mother is the mistress who stole away your father. However, he is the man who broke apart my family too when she ran away with him, leaving me with my abusive asshole of a dad.”

You continued moving closer and kneeled down once you were in front of Jaemin, bringing yourself to eye level with him, even if the smell of blood was making you feel like passing out. “I figured that by killing one of you, I could force you stupid Zhongs to get back together and bring my mother back to me. But I couldn’t bring myself to pull the trigger, not when I’ve fallen so madly in love with you...which leaves me with him.”

Jaemin lunged for the knife next to you only to find that you picked it up much faster than he did. You stood up and backed away from them with the knife as Chenle attempted to shove Jaemin off of him, but Jaemin was stronger though not by much. “Princess, please do both of us a favor. He tried to kill you and he’s shown how little you mean to him. Do you really think he’d share everything equally with you?” Your eyes darted between both of theirs. “Don’t you wish for my happiness? After all the love I’ve given to you?”

Your gaze locked with Chenle’s who was shaking due to the overexertion of his body. “Does the pretty boy have something to say?” Jaemin cooed as he pulled the blanket out of Chenle’s mouth.

“It’s me or him, y/n. Me or him.”

“Alright, that’s enough.” Jaemin said before pouncing back on Chenle, both his hands wrapping around Chenle’s pale neck.

You threw the knife, hoping for it to reach its target. It did, and you watched as his body stilled and went limp right in front of your eyes, the blade pierced through his heart. It was honestly a lucky throw but regardless, the blood on the knife was because of you.

You are the killer now.

[heresathreebee]

No Touching

[Ava Starr x Female!Reader]

Summary: Friend dates with Ava always brighten your day (and night). Tonight is more enlightening than brightening, though… 

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Word count: 1.7 words

Warning(s): 14+ | angst, gay panic, dolls, 1 (one) racist antique, Steven Segal movie, chronic pain, tears.

AN: No actually I didn't bother to edit this, not doing that anymore, I think too much as it is. As always, I write with a black reader in mind but feel free to read even if you aren't. 🖤

You are eighty percent sure that you and Ava are dating.

85%... 78%... 81.5% sure.

It would probably be best if you cleared that up (but be cool about it though). You've started seeing each other more and more, and on purpose no less. Never a dull conversation, she's reluctant to share some of her life story but she's eager to know everything about you and you're more than happy to indulge. It's not like you know nothing about her; you just don't know the specifics of her past. 

Her parents died when she was young, she's ex-military (you think?), and she just came off of a huge life change and is getting used to what she calls 'real life.' You figure out she's a bit of a shut in and hates crowds, so you go out of your way to show her quiet places and introduce her to things she's never tried before. The bowl by your front door where you put your keys has 20 or 30 marbles from ramune bottles in it. You can't seem to ring her secret out of her, she just gives you this cryptic knowing smile and laughs at your attempts to sweet talk or annoy it out of her. 

You feel so close, growing closer still, she's quickly become the best part of your week, and you catch yourself thinking about her even when she's not with you. But you've never held hands. Hell, you've never even so much as brushed shoulders with her by accident. If you're dating, shouldn't you at least hug her goodbye? Is she even able to be into you like that?? 

You try not to let the panic set in as you stand outside of the antiques mall. You told her you liked old things and promised to show her your favorite pastime. God, how do you go about this? Should you just flirt with her and see how she reacts? Also how does one flirt? What if you’re fucking up and she really just wants to be friends? God knows you could use some friends right now. 

When she does appear, you do nothing. You continue to act relaxed and enjoy her presence, promising yourself you’ll ask about it afterwards. Ava’s wearing that grey jacket again made of a thin sports fabric and you make a mental note it might rain today. 

“Ava,” you stage whisper, waving her out of the jewelry section by the front desk and into the maze of vintage old clothes and furniture. “Back here, to the left.” 

Deep deep deep in a corner of the massive store, Ava stops dead in her tracks (you run into her but back away quickly) and stares. 

“This... is…” Ava covers her mouth with her hands to hold her laughter in, “ghastly.” 

The shelf is wide, with dark wood trimming and protective glass. The lights are almost fluorescent as they illuminate dozens of humanoid dolls. Some are cute, but some are also creepy, unnerving, down right scary. 

You point at the one with the Jonbenet Ramsey likeness and deep cracks in her porcelain face. It was overly large compared to the rest, having to have stuffed legs crossed like a sitting child. "I think I fear that one the most." 

You felt Ava shiver and didn't even realize you were standing that close. Her eyes darted from face to face, taking in every terrible and wonderful detail of them. You smelled coconut in her hair and tried to distance yourself a bit, missing the conversation. "Huh?" 

"I said they're haunted, aren't they?" 

"That one definitely is." You look over the other dolls. "I don't know, I think the rest are kinda cute. 'Cept that one: that one can fuck off straight to hell." 

Down on the second shelf where the light began to struggle in reach belied an offensive porcelain joke. The decoration portrayed an over animated child at play, with oil black skin, fat red lips, and bulbous eyes. This child was dressed in white rags and sucking on a wedge of fruit. Guess which one. Fucking guess, I dare you. 

"It's not even a fucking doll," Ava grumbled. "Why is it here?" 

You leaned in to whisper, "someday, I'm gonna buy that thing just to fucking smash it on the pavement." 

"Oh, what a lovely sound it would make." 

You hum. "I'm not gonna give nobody money for that trash. Can't steal it either, we'd never make it to the door." 

Ava looked over her shoulder with a cheeky smile. "We?" 

You simply tilt your head at her, and she huffs out a laugh. She nodded as if agreeing with you, then drifted away from the case like a wary woman. You toured through the rest of the store like a treasure trove of other people's memories, war memorabilia, ancient brand merchandise (why would anyone want a life size green m&m in their house? Who is this for?), and paintings from the dadeism era by unpopular artists. You ate lunch at the vendor shops in downtown and retired to your place for a movie. 

You must have fallen asleep at the beginning but you came to during some big shootout between Steven Segal and generic Latino drug dealer #7 when you accidentally dropped your hand into Ava's lap. Quickly, Ava withdrawals, thrusting herself to the other side of the couch as if in disgust. Your head jerks up in hurt and confusion, you hadn't even felt anything except a light tingling. You could barely hear the tv audio over the sound of blood rushing in your ears. 

"You can't touch me," Ava spat. "You just can't. Ever. Please…" 

"I'm sorry. Ava, I– I am so, so sorry I didn't mean to–" 

"It's not your fault and you didn't know," she mumbled and faltered, "it's just… you can't." 

You feel tears prick in the corner of your eyes as you try to swallow. "I'm sorry. Really. It won't happen again." 

Ava looked up at you guiltily and sighed. She folded her legs and eased herself off of the couch arm rest, hands tucked into her lap and unable to meet your eyes anymore. 

"It's not what you think it is," she explained. "I… I have a condition of sorts. And it… it hurts.” 

Her words put a hold on the tears threatening to spill from your eyes. “Like a… skin condition? Or nerves or something?” 

Ava nodded quickly. “Yes. yes, like a nerves thing. My um, my nervous system. It's chronic."

“Oh Ava,” you cover your heart with a breathy sigh, “of course! I wish I’d known I would have never–” 

“It’s not something I like to talk about.” She crossed her arms over her chest. “I’m really glad you understand. Sorry I freaked out, I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings or anything.” 

You tried to blow a raspberry. “It’s whatever, didn’t hurt my feelings.” 

Yeah, you could hear the weakness of the lie, too. Still, Ava went and parked herself on the couch exactly where she was before– close but not too close. Warm but not quite touching. You were ready to let it slide and go right back to pretending to watch the movie when– 

“So what’s going on between us exactly? I like girls– I like you– and I don’t mean just in a friend sort of way– is it maybe sorta possible you might feel the same way about me?” 

Who said that? You? Honestly you’re feeling a little dizzy as you try and stare a hole in the tv screen. And Ava? Well at least she didn’t hold you in suspense for too long. She chuckled– and god you had to look. You had to know if she was laughing at you or with you. Your eyes snapped to her completely unmocking face. 

She blinked at you, bit her lip even. “Yes, I am.. Capable of liking girls. Might prefer them actually. And I definitely like you in a more-than-a-friend sort of way.” 

It takes a second to sink in. OK, it takes a hot minute to sink in. Like the movie ended and you walked Ava home and you slept in until 10 am and made omelettes for breakfast at noon and laid down on your floor staring at the ceiling until sundown. Yeah that kind of hot minute. And your lips curled into a soft smile because you had a girlfriend and she liked girls and you could not be happier than you are right now. 

~

Ava asked you to meet her on the corner by the antiques mall that night. You don’t know how but she got her grubby, thieving little mitts on that disgusting tar baby doll from the haunted doll shelf. You made her swear up and down she didn’t pay real money for it, then nearly pulled out your hair when you realized it meant she definitely stole it and– 

"How the ffffUCK do you just DO that?!" 

"Slight of hand," she mused. 

Fuck, and she was a geek. Yeah, you're definitely in love. She pushes the ugly thing into your hands and despite being cold porcelain it feels like it's burning. 

"Do the honors." 

There's no build up. No ceremony. You don't want to drag this out anymore. You take a swinging leap and spike that shit and watch it shatter into a hundred pieces with the most glorious sound you'll ever hear. You land in slow motion, already replaying the image of thick glass pieces cracking on the indigo pavement. You stand over your mess, triumphant. 

The quiet of the night time street drifts back to you, as does Ava. "I'll be honest I expected a big speech." 

You shrug. "I've been waiting too long to do that. Thank you, Ava. I mean it." 

"Oh believe me it was my pleasure." Ava swaggers closer to you and if you didnt know better you'd think she was going in for a kiss. "Tonight, the tar baby. Tomorrow, the world." 

You resist the urge to clap her on her shoulders and throw your hands in the air instead. "Sounds like a date!" 

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