#I wish I could be open and positive as her about my disability

[michelangelos-last-judgement]

in today's episode I'll try to not isolate myself because I met a person who is super loud and proud of her disability which happens to be the same as mine but I'm still not over the shame I went through all my life and I'm beyond uncomfortable when people talk and joke about it :)

And of course I won't ask her to stop talking about it because she has every right to cope in her own way and if that means being loud and open about her experience then so be it :))

At this rate I'll push away every good person in my life (I swear she's amazing and I love her but heyy) :)))

[fromkenari]

@alliwantforchristmasislou

I don't talk about my identity a lot because I live in a town in the 2/3rds of the state that is red despite it being a blue state. I'm not accepted, nor is it really safe for me open about it beyond my friends, and the sad thing is I have only one other friend in this town with the same pronouns as me and my friends, all of whom are queer positive and a bunch of whom are queer themselves don't use the correct pronouns for my other friend who uses them or me because well, you know, transphobia but they claim it's because using "they" in a singular sense is just too awkward for them to do that for my one other friend who uses they/them and me. And I could talk about the suicide rate of non-cis kids in this town, but this is a positive post, right? It's why the Trevor Project is so important.

So anyway. Tumblr, Discord, and the internet, in general, have been the only hardline I have to a diverse queer network. I've been on this site since sometime in early 2009, and you know, before that, I was on Livejournal, and before that, I was on fan forums, Yahoo! Groups, and Pro Boards. So I've been around. I've seen it all in real time. And even though I was not into anything to do with Superwholock, I saw all of that, and you know, I have never really been deep in a fandom. Not even when I was on Livejournal. I just have a massive aversion to oversaturation.

So. I've been watching 911 since the pilot. I was hyped for it because of Angela Bassett. I thought, "You're making Angela Bassett a cop and handing her a TV show; what could go wrong?" (That's rhetorical; don't @ me. I know better now.) Anyway. I was hooked from the first episode, and you have to understand when 911 premiered, I was in one of the darkest points of my life. I had finally been declared legally disabled, which I had been working toward for 3 years. So, you know, nobody on Tumblr was talking about this show. By the end of Season 1, a few of us were scratching around at things, but there wasn't much there.

Then, Season 2 happened, and you know, Season 2 was some of my best times in the 911 fandom. I was there when we were deciding on Beddie vs Buddie. I was there when the first Buck/Eddie fic was posted to AO3. I even wrote some back then. It was a completely different energy then. There was an entire Discord server of us who were mortified that "Be Careful What You Wish For" was likely about the part of fandom that wanted Eddie and Shannon to end, but the consensus was, "WTF, we wanted her gone, but not like that!" And then, you know, the people celebrating it got louder and louder, and I was in fandom less and less until I stopped posting about 911 entirely on Tumblr.

Eventually, I made a new blog, this blog, not because of that, but because Tumblr shadowbanned my old blog, and nothing I posted would show up in tags. And you know, I was a big fandom creator and roleplayer, and I had to start all over. But I was still watching 911. I never stopped. I also watch Lone Star, and oh, the stories I could tell about the early days of Lone Star when 911 OG purists were throwing hissy fits that Lone Star content was getting tagged as 911. Seriously, it was a knockdown, drag-out fight to watch. But anyway, you know, I'm watching, and I'm waiting. I'm waiting for Evan Buckley to be confirmed as bisexual as I get my Henren scraps and cry over everything they do to Josh.

Then, the show gets canceled. But OMG, it's Immediately picked up by ABC, so trying to understand how to feel was indescribable. Because Seasons 5 and 6 sucked, they sucked, and I won't be convinced otherwise, and I was despairing because I was going to have to jump ship. And then the show jumped networks. So, I'm figured what do I have to lose?

So, I am still reeling from the Cruise ship disaster and rescue. And I'm going, "Is my show back? It's kind of back, right?" while also going, "And Tommy's back, and he's getting along with everyone. Sure, why not?" And then, you know, Episode 4 happened, and I'm watching it wondering what the hell is going on. Is Tommy going to be a recurring character now? And then you know Buck was an idiot, and you know I thought it was about Eddie, and I was kind of mad because really? The cast and crew get kicked around by their ship's fans, and you're giving them this? Because anyone who tells me watching that episode as it was airing that they thought Buck was doing that for Tommy before the loft scene, I'm calling horseshit because I've been watching since episode 1

I've wanted Bi Buck for as long as I can remember. And it was not until the loft scene that I even realized something was happening. I didn't know what it was, but something was off. And some point, I was standing on the couch freaking out at my TV, going, "WHY ARE THEY STANDING SO CLOSE TOGETHER? WHAT IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW?" And then, you know, the kiss happened, and thankfully, no one was living next door in my duplex at the time because I was not quiet about my joy, and I sprained my freaking knee. I was so chaotic in my reaction. (I had to go to urgent care. It was a whole thing. Eh, my joints suck because of chronic illness. I told you I was on disability a long time ago, okay.) And you know, once I simmered down, I ran to this blog to post about it because 4 episodes on a new network, and they gave me Bi Buck.

And you know, I tried so hard to find a voice for Tommy in my head, but I couldn't. I didn't have enough material to do it. I appreciated everyone who could do it because I read your fic, which was great. I didn't even get into the fandom for it until Season 8 because I couldn't wrap my head around the ship, but I was going to sit there as long as it took to understand Tommy because it's Bi Buck's canon ship. Of course, I want to be able to write it myself. That's what I do. And right about when Tommy brought Buck avocado toast, I got it. Everything synced up in my head, and I understood it. I could go back and look at things and understand why Tommy did things now.

So, during that break for Halloween, I was writing little things and not posting them. I had already at the start of Season 8 found a Discord server, and I was hanging out in the tag. I was looking through follow lists people posted and zipping through them. And yeah, sue me. I call it Tevan because that's what Tommy calls him. That's not a judgment on anyone; it's just my preference. I forgot to mention that I was also there when shit hit the fan during the Season 7 hiatus and trying to survive in my old 911 Discord Servers, but people were awful for no reason. I'm never gonna understand why a whole swath of fandom hated the ship to the point that they were causing traumatic harm to other people, especially queer men in fandom. That's just so beyond me, and, again, another reason we need the Trevor Project is that queer men fetishists on Tumblr do not constitute a safe community for queer people. But I'm getting off track.

So you know, they broke up Buck and Tommy in the next freaking episode, and I had a lot of feelings. I posted a lot of them here. Some of them conflict because you know the human brain can handle more than one viewpoint. Gray areas are my bread and butter when it comes to media. Anyone gets puritanical about anything; I don't care what you ship; I will remove you from my curated experience because I don't need it. It's not healthy.

I've been writing more and more about this ship since the breakup. I even wrote a fixit for the breakup. And you know what happened in the show compared to what people say in interviews? There's a huge disconnect. In any other situation, especially given it's 911 and the Abby of it all, you would expect this to not be over because that's not how Buck's big love interests work. Most of his relationships end with him being too invested, but you don't get to call it a pivotal relationship for Buck and say it's over cold turkey. That's crappy writing because it completely goes against his characterization.

But I didn't realize how attached many people were to Tommy. I felt like I finally met him in the Halloween episode, and bam, he's gone in the next. So much wasted potential. So much drama. So many harassed actors and crew members. So many "journalists" acting like it's their blog is the gossip section of their high school newspaper, but they get screeners? So much crap happened, and what was it all for? So Buck can pine for Tommy and cause Los Angeles County to go on a flour ration? Like? I don't get it. So yeah. If the show wants to fix this mistake because this one they did leave themselves a contingency plan by not killing the man, they can fix it.

So bring back Tommy. If you do, I'll think about forgiving you for Amir's storyline last season. But we still need to talk about what messages we're sending people in these episodes. Those teenage girls do not deserve to get blamed because a grown man went rage quit to the max. The copaganda is SO HIGH that I can't even watch Athena's scenes now. And there's a bunch more I won't list because we're talking about Tommy and how you need to bring him back. I love these characters, but I'm tired of them repeatedly getting the same trauma and outcomes. You finally let queer people kiss again on your show, and then you get rid of one of them?

Anyway. I'm going to keep writing BuckTommy because I need something good to happen in fandom as I continue to watch this ridiculous show. And if you read this whole thing. I'm sorry that this is how it ends.

[voidpacifist]

things I loved about season four of sex ed (spoilers ahead)

the amount of representation present this season. the disability rep, the queer and trans rep, how not shy the writers were confronting different trans and disability rights issues head on.

eric's arc with his religion and his gayness and how he was able to reconcile the two. this one really hit home for me as someone who is both queer and a person of faith. I love getting to see gayness have a place within faith, it just healed something for me, okay?

otis was so classically otis but he finally (FINALLY) acknowledged his own idiosyncrasies without just writing them off as being the fault of wounds in his life. by the end of ep 8 he was dedicated to making things better for himself and for other people and I'm actually so proud of him for that.

aimee's journey with healing from her SA trauma and how she navigated a new relationship with that. also I know it probably wasn't intentional but she's a very autistic coded character to me and watching her flourish as herself with isaac just did something so special to my heart. I would level cities for her.

and adam too!! him finally getting the closure he needed with eric and them communicating !!!! the scene at erin wiley's funeral when eric is able to tell adam how genuinely proud of him he is, just,,,my heart I love it when people get to heal !! also again with the unintentional neurodivergent rep, like come on - sitting undiagnosed by yourself, handsome? he's just like me fr.

I was worried the writers wouldn't do isaac's character justice, even though he was given a good arc in season three I was still anxious about where they would take it now that maeve was overseas and honestly, they didn't give him very much of a story outside of his history and who he was when he was with maeve. similar to aimee with him, I really liked watching more of his artistic traits pop out and I loved seeing him have a healthy friendship with someone. even better, I love it when the feelings he harbored for that person were mutual with no strings attached. I wasn't expecting him and aimee to be endgame but I'm absolutely not disappointed about it (you can tell he's my fav because I've written the longest paragraph about him so far).

cal and aisha and pk. need I say anything more? my only gripe is that I wish we could have had a glimpse of the three of them on a date or even see if there were other people in the polycule but that's okay !! I also just really loved cal's journey with themself and I loved getting to see them supported for their identity it meant so very much to me.

lastly but certainly not the least, I loved that otis and o ended on mutually agreeable terms with each other, it just really added to the whole theme of trying to heal and open new doors and be okay with things not being in control all the time. it was especially touching that he gave his position as therapist to her because he knew and acknowledged he had work to do on himself like !!! very rare otis w but totally welcomed. had the show continued I would have loved to see more development w him.

[they-call-me-emmy]

Memories - Tara Carpenter

I'm using da lyrics from 'Memories' by my angelic sweet angel face Conan Gray. I worship him. Thank you.

i dont even know how to classifiy this or whatever but lie eyhahh

yey.

It's been a couple months That's just about enough time For me to stop crying when I look at all the pictures

The Polaroids on your bed sheet. The small, scribbled dates in blue sharpie on the back. The way you genuinely looked happy in the photo. The way your own face looked back at you. The way her face looked back at you. It's been months. Get over it. That's what your friends tell you. What your family tells you. What you tell yourself.

Now I kinda smile, I haven't felt that in a while It's late, I hear the door Bell ringing and it's pouring

Tears well up in your eyes, blurring your vision and causing the lights to disable it completely. You needed to put these pictures down. Throw them away, lock them up, anything. Anything to make you stop looking. The sad, sarcastic laugh escapes your throat and you feel weird the moment it comes out.

You jump as the doorbell rings. You don't know who it could be. Its raining outside, you can hardly see the streetlamps. Your wearing the same baggy, stained shirt you'd been wearing for the previous week and a half. It might have been hers, you honestly can't remember.

You stumble to the door, opening it and feeling your eyes widen.

I open up that door, see your brown eyes at the entrance You just wanna talk and I can't turn away a wet dog

"Tara." You say, a slight twinge of coldness to your tone, although you were too shocked and hurt to muster up enough to shoot at her.

"Y/n." She said softly, the same tone as yours but the coldness replaced with what normally you would label as guilt. But Tara doesn't feel guilty....does she?

"Can I..." You clear your throat, willing yourself not to shout or cry or blame her for everything. It takes a lot of strength to not shut the door in her face, but you've always had a soft spot for her. "Can I help you?"

"I just...I just want to talk." She stares at her feet.

"Oh."

"Okay."

But please don't ruin this for me Please don't make it harder than it already is I'm trying to get over this

You can't have this girl ruining everything. Barging back in, to 'talk'. But you knew. You knew how much you wanted her back. But you're working for it. Working on getting over it. You're trying, you really are, but fuck. It might not be working. She's making this harder by coming here, bugging you. If she'd let you be, you'd forget about her, at some point.

Right?

I wish that you would stay in my memories But you show up today, just to ruin things I wanna put you in the past 'cause I'm traumatized

You wanted to forget. Have it all gone. Burn those fucking photos. But she's here, and she's real, and she's talking about how sorry she is, how her life is a mess and she needs a place to stay. And you can't do it now, you couldn't do it before and certainly not when she's crying in your living room. But you needed to get over her. You were scared.

But you're not letting me do that, 'cause tonight You're all drunk in my kitchen, curled in the fetal position Too busy playing the victim to be listening to me when I say

She's been drinking. The daze in her eyes and her wobbly movements and speech would show that to anyone. She's crying, telling you she left you for your own sake, that she didn't mean it and she was just having a hard time with life.

But now you were having a hard time. Because of her. And here she was, drunkenly crying to you. And here you were, letting her back in, for what? What're you getting out of this?

But you just can't turn her away.

"I wish that you would stay in my memories" In my memories, stay in my memories

"Tara, it's not right. You should leave. You're in my past. Go."

"G-God, please Y/n...d-don't k-kick me out-t." She sniffled, and her big brown eyes filled with more tears and suddenly you felt guilty, like kicking a bird from it's nest. But this wasn't her place. She didn't live here, you weren't with her. She had no right to stay.

But for some crazy reason you'd definitely regret in a day, you let her stay.

Now I can't say goodbye if you stay here the whole night You see, it's hard to find an end to something that you keep beginning Over and over again

"Can I stay over?" She asked you softly, her eyes wide and you couldn't say no.

Why can't you ever say no?

You knew that you'd never leave her behind if she kept coming back, forcing her way back into your heart. You knew you'd never get over her when she's laying on you couch like she used to, eyes closed and a sweet, innocent aura surrounding her sleeping figure.

I promise that the ending always stays the same So there's no good reason in make believing that we could ever exist again

You weren't ever going to go back to the way it was. She needs to stop trying. There's nothing in your favor. In your relationships favor. There's nothing that makes you two an important couple. You were just two people. You couldn't be with her anymore. That ship had sailed, and relationships never last through the second round.

I can't be your friend, can't be your lover Can't be the reason we hold back each other from falling in love With somebody other than me

You couldn't be her friend, it's too much to bear. The knowledge that you'd been with her, felt her, held her and loved her was too much. And she knew that. You couldn't be her girlfriend again. That hadn't worked out the first round, why would you suffer to try to survive the second? But she can't feel a connection, no, because then, she'd be stuck pity filled and guilty, and she too, just like you, would never move on and never find love. But it can't be with you, and it will never be because god fucking dammit that didn't work out and you ruined your chance. She ruined your chance.

She ruined this for you, and there was no going back. There was no fixing what had been broken.

And for that, she deeply regretted.

I clearly cannot write sad stuff

please comment because those are my favorites <3

[tora-the-cat]

every time I think about Allison in 1961 my brain starts buzzing. Allison walking into places she's not allowed to be before she builds the habit of checking cause she's NEVER had to think about this before. Allison going from one of the most privileged people in the world (superhero taylor swift) to one of the least privileged people in the country (disabled black woman without a voice or ANY street smarts in NINTEEN SIXTY ONE TEXAS). Allison having expensive tastes she can't satisfy. Allison building a life for herself, from hole cloth, day by day. Allison having to swallow anger and shame to ask Ray to open a bank account for her. Allison refusing to stop standing up for herself in the most hostile environment she has been in since she was sixteen years young. Allison having actual friends for the first time in her life. Allison's friends having to keep a close eye on her when she's out and about cause she has a habit of walking into places she isn't supposed to be without even noticing. Allison, who thought she'd flounder in a world without her power much less her voice, married in a year to the best man in the world. Allison, making a real tangible positive difference in her local community and also for society at large. Allison missing her daughter so much she can barely breathe sometimes. Allison trying so hard to be the perfect wife in public because she KNOWS the FBI is watching civil rights leaders like her husband and just waiting to spread some rumors of their own. Allison who wishes, more then anything, she paid a little more attention to Pogo's boring-as-SHIT history lectures. Allison being a favorite regular of a ma-and-pa mexican restaurant because she actually speaks spanish. Allison learning to be kind and equitable to the 'public' that she's seen as beneath her for her entire life without even realizing it. Honestly losing her voice is a bit of a blessing in disguise because it stops her from saying ALL SORTS of shit that will get her on a watch list. Allison learning the value of her words. Allison provoking RAMPANT rumors in Odessa's barber shop about her origin, ranging from a cult to an abusive white father that kept her under wraps to military experimentation in WWII to, obviously, a soviet psyop. Allison making these rumors worse when she finally DOES get her voice back because, as mentioned, she keeps saying weird shit. Allison's husband expecting her to cook and clean because he's amazing but it is still the SIXTIES, and it is the first time they ever have a genuine fight. Allison who wishes, almost as desperately, that she respected Mom's role in the household a little more growing up, wishes that she paid more attention and picked up the habit of taking care of her own home and life instead of hiring a maid and a chef as soon as she could. Allison who tries to learn how to cook but is regarded (lovingly) as something as a lost cause, as she doesn't even know the most BASIC common sense things and the one time someone tried to give her a recipe that included the sentence 'and then you beat your egg whites for 5 minutes or so-' was the first time many people ever heard her laugh out loud. Allison who has to walk up stairs and stand to watch a movie in a theater she would have once sold out with ease, because chairs are for white customers that pay half as much. Allison, who is appalled by casual homophobia in her own social circle of activists, and who doesn't talk to Odessa for a week when she turns away a trans woman who wanted her hair done because a part of her aches for Klaus, and it's a much bigger part then she realized. Allison planning her wedding and crying because she barely cared to invite her siblings the first time and now she would do nearly anything to make Vanya her maid of honor. Allison who never even tried to leave Dallas for a more liberal state or town, who built a life there on the off chance that the rest of her family would show up eventually. Allison who wishes she could order her 20-sylable-sugary-nightmare of a starbucks order just one more time.

And, most importantly, Allison had to learn how to drive a stick shift. Allison is the only Hargreeves besides Five that can drive a stick.

[darkpoisonouslove]

HotD S02E06

This show is exhausting, the fandom - even more so. I didn't even want to write this but I hate not finishing stuff I've already started and abandoning my "reviews" halfway through the season just didn't sit right with me. Also, I guess I do want to bitch even if I would be infinitely happier if I didn't have to. There is good news, though, and that's the fact that I did like this episode more than the last one! These thoughts might not be in order because I cannot be bothered to open the episode again and look through it:

Daemon is so funny for real. He has NOT caught on to the fact that Alys is playing him. I think this might be more misogyny from him, though. Look at it - he is blaming Simon, who is allegedly in charge of all of Harrenhal and he is absolutely not clocking Alys despite the fact that she literally gave him a potion to drink. He cannot perceive that there might be some kind of other power different from being a lord/king.

I do not know why Alys is helping him tbh. I guess she sees how pathetic his state and that of the entire team Black is and she figures that if she doesn't help, the war will be over soon. So if her motive is prolonging the war to ensure both sides take as many hits as possible, then she probably wants to end the Targaryens/dragons. It's really funny how they are making team Black the underdogs, however. What, with Daemon alienating all of the Riverlands houses and the loss of Rhaenys and their largest dragon, they are presented at a severe disadvantage. In the book, though, team Black has more dragons and more houses that support them... and they still fucking lose. Guess we know why the writers are "adapting" the situation to make them look like they will come out on top from a worse initial position but it's really funny because who fucking fumbled the Riverlands, guys? It was Daemon! He had one job and the only reason he might come back from his mistake is because Alys probably wants to see all Targaryens dead. What a funny way to present your "heroes".

Love how they also made Alys say that Rhaenyra should get the crown because she's never wanted it. I guess that conversation in 1x02 where Rhaenys warned her it would all lead to war because the men of the realm won't accept her as queen and Rhaenyra's response boiled down to "Fuck them! I will have my crown!" was just some kind of dream we mass hallucinated then. Istg this writing is a fucking joke. I don't think the writers are aware that adapting something doesn't mean "do the exact opposite of the main theme of the source material", which they are doing by insisting Rhaenyra has some kind of divine right to the throne. Read. The. Fucking. Book!

The way they're "adapting" Aemond is killing me so I don't even want to talk about it. I just have to say that the Aemond from 1x09 would never do what he's doing right now. I could be repeating myself but the fact that he regretted accidentally killing the boy that slashed out his eye and mutilated him but burned his own brother in cold blood (and was essentially torturing him in this episode) over one minute of Aegon reverting to bullying him like he did during their childhood is nonsensical af. Not to mention that he already had the chance to be king. Aegon literally begged him to let him run away so that he could be free and Aemond would be king and he didn't do it because he respected his mother's wishes. I do not buy that he would change that much over the course of 2 months.

Having Aemond insult the one other disabled character and call him a toad (and torture the other disabler character besides himself aka his brother) was not great. Trying to marry Alicent off after everything that's happened to her? I think the fuck not (at least he didn't insist on that)!

I was thinking that it would be much more suspenseful if Rhaenyra's first attempt at finding more dragon riders was unsuccessful because imagine how much harder it would be to continue with more attempts - both because of her conscience and because all the other candidates would probably not want to risk their lives on what appears to be a doomed cause. In fact, I was so wrapped up in that scene, I didn't even realize that since it was Seasmoke that they were trying to match with a rider, it obviously wouldn't be successful since Addam was to be Seasmoke's new rider. Then they did the horrible death in dragon fire and I thought we were on the same page only for them to take the easy way out and make Seasmoke hunt down the one person that he would accept as a rider. What a cop-out! Make Rhaenyra make the hard choices! Without dragon riders more people on her side would die! She should have pushed through with the plan until she found a rider! Not this convenient way to absolve her of responsibility for risking more people's lives!

Please, tell me there will be more development with Rhaena and the wild dragon. Why would you tell us there's a wild dragon if nothing will be done about it? Frankly, I am more invested in the potential of this situation than half the other subplots on the show.

I have to say I am... concerned as to what's going on with Otto. First, Aemond wants to get him back as Hand, which is a red flag already. With Otto there the chaos and blunders would be minimized, which is definitely not what they would be aiming for at this point. Then Alicent says that Otto hasn't answered her letters. I'm really starting to think that he's dead. Either that or he's in the middle of some shenanigans. I hope it's the latter.

"Oh, was it the Red Keep or was it their mother?" Yeah, that's right! Their mother. Their single. Fucking. Parent! Since Viserys couldn't be fucking bothered with any of his children from Alicent. Do keep telling us how she is at fault for how they turned out and not the constant neglect and obvious preference for their sister that they suffered from their father. I'm sure that sitting there with your eye slashed out while your father refuses to do anything for you and your sister demands that you be tortured further wouldn't have been life-altering for Aemond if it weren't for Alicent's failure as a mother. I get that Alicent would feel responsible with the way that things are going but I do not trust this show (and especially not the fans) to not frame it like it's the truth. Just fucking give us Daeron already (probably won't happen this season). At least her scene by Aegon's bedside was good!

Speaking of Aegon, I do want to see how things will develop with him from now on! He managed to save himself from Aemond for now but Larys' monologue is really getting my hopes up (silly me) that we will see an evolution of Aegon where he will truly start using his mind now and grow smarter and more cunning. I shouldn't hope but that would be amazing!

I find it curious that Daemon has managed to make some emotional progress by being there for Viserys (in the visions) when Viserys is dead in reality. Rhaenyra is the one who's still alive and needs him but he's loudly proclaimed his intentions to take the throne for himself and betray her and there hasn't been any indication that he's changed his mind about that. So basically, he's only able to "be there" for Viserys because Viserys isn't an obstacle to him anymore, doesn't hold any power that could allow him to take away what Daemon most desires while Rhaenyra is still very much a symbol of Daemon "being robbed of what he deserves". It don't count if it won't hurt, Daemon! Maybe try making nice with the relative that's still alive!

I have seen people say that it's stupid for the small folk to say Rhaenyra cares about them when she's the one implementing the sea blockade and that's true to an extent but I think the bigger reason for the riot was that they were convinced there was food but the Greens were hoarding it. I can kind of understand that but imagine that you're starving so much that you're grateful to the person that implemented a food blockade in the first place for sending you food and then... you start throwing the food you were so desperate for at the royals instead of... idk fucking eating it. Even if Rhaenyra sent an excess, you'd still fucking need to eat tomorrow. Also, isn't it funny how the book describes Alicent and Helaena both as beloved by the small folk while the show makes them the target of the riot? I am sure that was a completely innocent, unbiased change on the writers' part.

I understand Rhaenyra's frustration with everyone talking like Daemon will come to save her. As if he can get anything done. I do think that maybe Jace didn't mean it in that way but was trying to reinforce the idea that she should stay protected and let others fight instead of her because without her everything is lost. Finally, a complex situation that makes their relationship more interesting! Can't wait to see what might happen if the thing with Mysaria continues, though I do have my doubts about that. Rhaenyra has really been feeling the effects of losing Rhaenys' support and Mysaria is the only one that's shown faith in her. It could be treated like a weak moment for Rhaenyra where she was seeking reassurance. I'm hearing that a lot of people thought that scene was blasphemy and I'm glad that at least we, here on tumblr, are fucking normal about it aka we're celebrating it. Frankly, both Rhaenyra and Mysaria deserve better than Daemon so I hope they keep making out and more.

[oddlyunaware]

Fixing Wish (2023) In My Sleep - Part 1

So, a few nights ago I had a dream. No, like, I was asleep and literally had a dream.

The dream was simple. I was explaining Wish, that new Disney movie, to my parents, and ranting about how it should have been better. Then I began to give my actual ideas for how it could be fixed... and I woke up, those ideas fresh in my mind.

So, here's part one of how I would fix Wish, and do it better asleep than Disney ever did awake.

First off, Asha is an attendant in the Royal Court. Specifically, she's a member of the Camarería, who acted as attendants to the Spanish Queen- since Rosas is meant to be based somewhat on Spanish and Mediterranean Culture, I decided this would be an applicable position! This would also give her a reason to discover Magnifico's "dark secrets" later on and begin to doubt him. She's also very close to Queen Amaya, and the two often exchange advice.

Second- Asha is no longer "adorkable", like the dime a dozen protags we get these days. She is, to be rather blunt, a bitch. Yes, a bitch! Asha will have great character development, going from a stuck-up, somewhat prejudiced woman to learning the true value of being good for the sake of others, and not just yourself.

Magnifico and Amaya, also, are a power couple. The thing about Amaya, though, is that you don't know she's in cahoots with Magnifico until act three. Basically, she takes on the role of a happier Simon, and to a much better established degree.

Speaking of Simon and the others, they're kicked out. Nope. Not having that. The cast is already bloated, we don't need six more crazy teens to worry about. I'm keeping Dahlia, because she's decent disabled rep (and God knows we need at least that nowadays), and she's the one with the most character in the group.

And of course, Starboy is a thing! Of course he's gonna be a thing, how could he not? He's a semi-shapeshifting being made from stardust and good vibes, and is usually seen with a smile and a wink. He's rather smitten with humanity, and Asha, but slowly becomes more disillusioned as the film goes on, and luckily a more developed Asha will pull him out of his funk.

Now... how does this all fit into the plot?

The Plot of the Film

The film begins with a storybook opening, telling the story of Rosas. It remains relatively the same, with Magnifico suffering loss and wanting to create a kingdom where that could never happen again. A proud, strong foundation for generations to come. He is joined by his wife, Amaya, in making this happen.

However, he doesn't just "learn magic" out of nowhere, no- he wishes on a star so long and so hard, that star "wanted to listen closer", so it fell to the Earth and imbued him with stardust. A magical substance, stardust has the ability to change reality and make dreams come true, so he began to do so for other people and created his kingdom with literal hope as the foundation.

Rosas, a kingdom of inspiration for a better tomorrow, sprung forth! Heralded by Magnifico and Amaya, once a month they have a ceremony to grant three people's wishes- after all, if they granted everyone's wish, chaos would ensue. Even the most out of loop person would understand that, after all. Anyway, people are selected, and their deepest desire made a reality.

Magnifico soon discovers that this is an excellent way to keep people at ease, and listening to him. His kingdom- he can't lose it to chaos! He will only grant the wishes that have the kingdom's best interests at heart. It's for the good of everyone... right? Amaya certainly agrees.

Asha, a somewhat arrogant attendant, is helping Amaya prepare for the monthly ceremony. Amaya muses about the importance of knowing what your heart wants, and then states she doesn't know where her pen is to write out the names of the ones chosen. Asha offers to get one for her, and searches Magnifico's office for a pen and parchment too (because she's that helpful, of course). However, she stumbles into the Wishing Chamber, where Magnifico is... muttering about something.

Asha listens in, curious. Magnifico is staring off into space, saying something about how "wishes these days are so senseless", when he sees Asha, and questions her presence. Asha states she's trying to find a pen for Amaya, and Magnifico chuckles, whipping one up from a splinter of wood and some ink.

Asha returns, a little frazzled from Magnifico's demeanor, but quickly changes her tune when she sees the kingdom, and sighs longingly at its view. Asha starts to sing, the first song of the movie: "Life in Rosas". It's upbeat, but has an air of prejudice, with Asha noting things like how she climbed to the top and deserves the best, and otherwise acting indifferent to most of the plights in the kingdom in favor of her good mood. Think "Candy Store" from Heathers- it's catchy, fun, but isn't about a well-meaning person in the end.

At the end of the song, she walks by a child who is chasing a ball down the street, and she initially thinks nothing of it. But Amaya walks by, and she instantly changes her tune, helping the kid catch it. The viewer now understands she likes to help when it directly benefits her- in this case, staying in Amaya's good graces.

Amaya questions about her quest to find the pen, and Asha gives it to her, hoping she didn't seem too foolish. Amaya, however, commends her for being distracted by the "good of the kingdom", and happily states that she couldn't have a better confidant. Asha grins, feeling validated by her idol, and Amaya announces the ceremony is to begin soon.

Well... that's where I'll end this first post! It's super long already, and I'll be sure to add the second post and continue the story- we haven't even gotten into the meat of it yet!

PART 2 - will link when ready :)

[oh-no-another-idea]

7 snippets tag VII

This is an old one from @talesofsorrowandofruin -- thank you!

1.

“Where are the plans you stole from us?” one of them demanded. “I personally didn’t steal from you,” Antonio said blithely. “And in court, I think they’ll find our situations are reversed, actually.”

--Invisible Girl

2.

The train rattled, shaking the car. Paris threw out a hand to keep from sliding into her and bashing her against a crate. They were still sitting on the floor. They ought to get up, to check on Fynn and Antonio, figure out the best place to snatch the plans back. They ought to. “I haul cargo, most days,” Paris said, closing his eyes. “The work…it cuts open your hands something terrible.” He held up his left hand, and Velia saw a long white scar curving across his palm. Something angry churned in her stomach.

--Invisible Girl

3.

Velia didn’t have any philosophies about eavesdropping. People were careless with conversation, let it spill over windowsills and walls, through open doors and telephone wires. It was never anything important, never anything that mattered, and who would Velia tell? Besides. It was a fun pastime for someone who spent most of the day without any reason to talk herself.

--Invisible Girl

4.

Jax squinted. “Okay, he’s fried his processor or something.” “I am not a robot,” Sepia said primly. “Or crazy.” “Sure. And I’m not hiding a homicidal urge to dispose of your head.”

--Stars and Ships

5.

“Oh my god,” they said together, stepping up the ramp and into the gleaming chrome entryway. Through the door was the main part of the ship, space spreading out in every direction around them. Steps down to the galley on one side, steps for the cabins down another. Against one glass window was a large booth, nearby a full bar. The other side, nearly half the room taken up for it, was the cockpit. Jax had never seen one so big. The window alone was larger than the ship the Star Enforcement had just commandeered from them. Quin moaned in a positively indecent way. Jax let him go in disgust. Little brothers were not supposed to know such sounds existed, let alone make them. About ships, no less.

--Stars and Ships

6.

He jumped, unbuckled and stood up, which only served to make her angrier, because Jax was tall on a good day, and on a bad, he only looked taller. “Explain to me,” Aaliyah said, closing her eyes and rubbing her forehead, “Why we went from declining this mission and eating desserts to running from the law and taking the mission.”

--Stars and Ships

7.

The warrior growled. “Start walking, you numbskull, and no funny business. They said alive, they didn’t say anything about how many limbs you had to have.” Quin wished he had one less limb. They started down the street back the way he’d come, his leg dragging as bad as ever. “You know,” he said, mostly to pass the time, “You could put all that obnoxious muscle to use and carry me.” She sniffed and pointed to the axe. “I’m disabled,” Quin said. “You’re built. The math checks out, doesn’t it?” God, he sounded like Jax. “I’ll disable you permanently if you don’t shut up,” the warrior threatened.

Tags for @reneesbooks @charlesjosephwrites @k--havok @chauceryfairytales @space-writes @kaiusvnoir @sleepyowlwrites and anyone else who'd like to join!

[souldivide]

vent long personal heavy ok

it’s really helpless and crushing how im always cornered back to the same sad answer of how i should have considered the future earlier. my legs are in so much pain, im crying from how much my body aches and im simply told, you shouldn’t have been in your room all day — despite the fact i wasn’t allowed to go outside, and there was seldom walking space in our awful house. i was always sick, and always dizzy. it is crazy how dangerous black mold can be and yet we had a complete infestation of that and more. i want to consider pursuing a career ive had since i was a child though, im so passionate about art and i still am which might be a blessing considering how much commissions are hurting me mentally and perhaps physically .. opening several, several batches a year, constantly cramming them.. i think i want to do college. but i didn’t take on the scholarship i had when i graduated! i didn’t take the aid that covered my first year.. truthfully i didn’t think id make it so far. im insecure, im suicidal, im fragile. the past decade, i could barely get through anything without crying. it was humiliating to exist as i was in middle and highschool due to the living situation i was in, with no money and feeling i had no true support or even solidarity with my own mother, who must have been under much more stress than i was, trying to provide for her child. but still didn’t sympathize with me at all. the situation was hard, but i should have worked harder .. honestly, i do feel selfish for not having taken advantage of my moms effort to keep me in school, but ahhhhhh, i think it was just too much. i didn’t want to live like this. i was ashamed and disgusted, i still feel discomfort associating myself with that life. i cling to childhood and youth and traditions i missed out on because i lacked so much of that routine as a kid. is it so wrong to cry and want to die that you never got to experience a proper, loving christmas like everyone in your schools did ? no toys, no cable, only a tiiiny tiny laptop (like a 2008 chromebook-like thing) to keep me busy.. i wasn’t allowed to go outside of my own house to play with the dog, nor was I allowed to have anyone come over. wasn’t allowed to visit other people’s houses… not like i remember of that much anyways, as i barely remember anything from childhood except mortifying things.. i recently saw a way to connect to my mother by opening up. i confessed to her a lot of things as i was a mute child and never shared anything, never felt comfortable to — about how it affected me, about how i feel like im in stasis. i told her about what happened between me and my father, what happened between me and my brother, and i felt empty when she looked away from me and didn’t answer. No closure or comfort, and simply said that i should have taken advantage of my opportunities when I had them. And i have sabotaged myself. nothing else can explain for my disability, my mental health, and my plummeting education.

It took me 6 years to get an ID. 5 years to get a bank account. I don’t know how to learn how to drive and I am scared but I have to. i cannot go anywhere without someone’s help, primarily hers.

it feels too unfair, and i am still grieving for every year that passes by, even the previous year, that i am still locked in a house. i have never experienced much that i can call positive memories until i went to be with my best friend and my boyfriend. but that just made the memories painful too; when I think about how I have to end the trip. Board the plane or get in the car, and cry about how I have to go back home and be with my mother. it is not normal, to dread going back there so intensely. i wish i had a different life very badly, honestly, but a comfort i have now is that i think i am now strong emotionally and legally that i can make my own plans, manage my own bank, decide who i can visit without the permission of my mother. but. that is not because of my strength, and it is actually because she is sick. and she now has cancer as of september. I feel like i have been held in my mothers arms forced still for an entire two decades and the only reason she’s let go is because she is, her health is not well. And she has prepared me this week, a conversation of where to find her records, her files, her will, her passwords. Everything, if she passes away soon. i want to sleep forever, because i don’t want to wake up to a day wondering if it will happen soon. I don’t want to be in this position. I am scared. I wish I was with people I loved who loved me. i am shaking and sad. I wish I was too drained to cry anymore because I do it too much, for years. I wish I wasn’t such a sad person. I wish I wasn’t so miserable, I wish I had more happier things to think about when people ask me how I am. I feel miserably

I was gifted breath of the wild a couple years ago, now i am finally playing it. it helps i think. i really enjoy it most for the animal interaction and cooking and exploration.

[redcap3]

Charming - Pt. 3

Sunday: Expected and Unexpected Joys

Sunday morning, I needed to be up, mobile, and in one of the Mainsail rooms by 9am so I could attend the volunteer raffle. It was nice to feel appreciated and get a couple little rewards for the work I had done over the weekend (and I still had one more Consent Team shift left!), but ugh. I really was not feeling much joy about getting my butt up for that, even if I did end up with one of Linny’s beautiful glass bottle charms.

I had a little time to get ready for my class at 11:15, and sleepy returned to the room before I left. There had been another positive covid test, and they had attended several of the classes she demo’d for. Her rapid test was negative, but she had made the decision to stay in the room, watch some of the AGDQ runs we’d missed, and wind down as gracefully as she could as a way to manage her mental health. Camden and I both made a point of telling her how proud of her we were before it was time for me to get going for the Kink and Disabilities workshop.

I have presented this “class” something like eight times now. I see some familiar faces each time, and some new ones. 

I have to admit that the last two times I have led the class, I started to wonder if I was just telling people the same things over and over. I worry that people won’t find it valuable, or that I am mostly just shouting into the void. (Especially when teaching online, and it’s difficult for me to ‘read the room’!)

Then I see the reactions of people who had never realized others have the same (or similar enough) issues with limitations, physical play, or mental health making them feel like they couldn’t play, and the lightbulb moments of “I can do this!” that makes the effort worth it every time. 

Several people came up to thank me for the ideas I had given them, and I happily had a quick hello with Goddess where she was doing Door Dragoning before I went over to the Consent Team table to say hello to Jenny, one of the other team members who I actually had met before we both came out to each other as into hypnosis, and we had a nice low key hangout where we both answered some questions, got some feedback on some of the different Sunday uncon plans that people wanted brought back to the concom, and I wished them a safe drive home after T. came to relieve her. 

While I was there, Lynx announced that they were trying to get rid of as much rope as possible before driving home, so, well…I bought more rope. Look, it’s a better habit than drugs.

Or gunpla.

Or battletech minis.

…probably.

Goddess would stop by to chat with Wiseguy where he was holding down the Concom table, and she mentioned stopping back down later.   (I did not get a chance to talk to her about the ‘collar-versary’ that day, or before we flew back to Minnesota, but it is a discussion we did have later, and we are OK. She is Keeping Me, and I am happily Kept.)

I asked sleepy if she would be ok with running me out a bottle of water or two when I realized I was getting really dried out, and she was awesome and did so before heading back to the room. Not long after that Lynx and I talked as she delivered my final rope order, and we spotted a minor concern that I would end up notifying the concom about, and Psy was a gentleman and a scholar, handling it within a few minutes.

As my shift wrapped up I asked if T would mind me leaving a few minutes early, because my energy was flagging. He happily sent me onward, and as I brought myself back to the room I thought I could hear some noise coming from inside. 

I swiped my key and opened the door to the sound of Daja’s voice trailing off, and a steady Tick…Tick…Tick…Tick…

Without even consciously realizing it I had stopped just inside the room so the door could shut behind me, and started rocking on my feet in time to the metronome that was sitting on the dresser as Miss Dawn approached me with a confident little smile. “Well, isn’t this a lovely surprise…”

I had asked if I might get some trance time on Sunday after basically being in Top Space for a lot of Friday and the parts of Saturday where I was out in public, and Dawn had been happy to assure me that we would make some time. 

Part of me thought it might happen in the midst of a Sunday Evening event we had been planning with friends, but I had stumbled into a perfect opportunity, and Miss Dawn wasn’t about to waste it. I saw sleepy on the bed Cammie had been using, tranced out and blissful, and Miss Dawn guided me over to the other, telling me to leave my roller bag by the armchair and to slip my shoes off. It did not take long at all for her to bring me down into trance, taking advantage of some shared triggers and connections that Goddess has been helping sleepy and I build between us, and I strongly recommend you read her writeup of how it went down, because it was absolutely wonderful to read it again and feel myself back there once more. 

I remember getting very trancey. I remember laying down on the bed. I vaguely remember sitting back up again, but I didn’t really remember how I got into the other bed with sleepy until later. Cuddled up and more than half asleep, we ended up taking a nice nap that would end after Cammie returned to the room to pick up a few things for the evening, and mentioned that Goddess had passed on a community award she had been “given” at the last Charmed to Enscenic. (It was awarded to her at the last Charmed in an online ceremony, but the physical box had to be shipped cross country to her, so we only received it a short time before we left for Maryland!) If I have any regret about my afternoon, it is missing that, but even that was a relatively soft and mild thing considering why I wasn’t there.

Sleepy and I decided to have dinner while Cammie went to Daja’s room, and we had a chance to say goodbye to Scarlett and Emma before they left for the airport, promising to keep in touch. Once they had left,  I took what felt like my 20th rapid test of the weekend so that I would be able to unmask for…

The Vampire Salon

Several weeks before the con, Nath, Panda, Daja, Kitty, and some of our other friends who enjoy vampire play (and / or are LARP nerds like me) had decided it would be fun to do a vampire room party on Sunday night as a nice way to end the con.

Sleepy and Goddess had both been invited to participate, but neither felt up to it, and as I waited for Nath to let us know when (or if) she was ready, I have to admit that I had some moments of doubt that the evening would actually happen - and a lingering fear that without Goddess or sleepy there, I would be a fifth wheel, at best. 

I knew Daja and Cammie had been planning something special for that night, even being given a heads up that Cammie might be acting “out of character”, and I knew that Nath had plans for Panda and Tigress, too. I did reach out to Panda to see if it might like to try some play, and it was open to the idea depending on what Nath wanted it to do, and that helped settle my nerves a bit before I changed into a white chemise I had shown off prior to the con which had gotten a great deal of approval.

I was looking forward to being a “victim”, so to speak, and when I received the message to come up to Nath’s room, it was like being an iron filing drawn up to a magnet.

Welcomed in by our hostess, she noted her own approval of my outfit, and I was ushered in. 

Daja and Cammie arrived shortly after I did, and while I didn’t know the exact nature of what they were doing, it wasn’t too hard to figure out that Daja had essentially taken complete control of Cammie, above and beyond their normal power exchanges. 

(I would later learn that with Goddess’ permission, Cammie was, for one night, completely Daja’s, and I am happy they were able to enjoy that!)

Panda would join us soon after in a similar outfit to mine, and Tigress would join us not too long after. 

Sitting on one of the room’s bed’s I was not explicitly in trance at first, but it was very easy to just relax into watching Daja showing off with Cammie while Nath shared several lovely stories of her own vampiric escapades, including taking a moment to enrapture Panda to her will. 

Then, Nath turned her gaze on me, and as I stared into her eyes she barely needed to say a word to make me feel increasingly fuzzy and enthralled. 

I remember a moment she told me that I could just sit and enjoy myself as a docile little pet, and it sparked off of some of Goddess’ programming in the back of my mind. “Docile and tame,” I murmured, and when asked to speak up, I repeated the phrase. 

Daja smiled at this, and produced a package of tattoo markers. 

I have a thing for body writing, particularly for praise and positivity. It’s often hard for me to see what others appreciate in me, and seeing that in literal black and white on my skin is reassuring and affirming. 

“When I write this on your arm,” Daja instructed me, “the words on your skin will be the commands in your mind.” 

I felt blissful as she carefully wrote “Docile” and “Tame” on my arm, gazing at the nicely embellished words in gentle delight. “Now,” she ordered, “You’ll wash this off tonight before you go to sleep.” I felt a little sad about that, but agreed. After all, it was an instruction, and I was very good at following instructions. 

Nath would slide behind me on the bed, pulling me into a cuddle, and I happily melted into the touch, particularly as she murmured praise and compliments into my ear. 

There would be a point where Daja and Cammie needed to step out, but I knew Cammie would take care of her partner, and Panda was also called away. With Nath now happily playing with me and Tigress, I was given the chance to enjoy being fed from in a gentle, tender moment, and I was pleasantly surprised to realize the two of us were developing some rather lovely sparks that I think Nath and I will be exploring more. 

Unfortunately, further plans were interrupted when I stood up to use the bathroom, and we realized that there was drying blood on the comforter where I had been sitting. I went to the bathroom to take care of my needs and examined my foot, realizing a set of calluses on my foot had broken open and begun to bleed. 

Regretfully, I said my goodnights to Nath and Tigress, then headed back downstairs to the room so I could ask Sleepy to help me clean and bandage my foot before I showered off the markers and began getting ready for bed. 

I am happy to say that Nath and Tigress spent more time together that night, and that when Camden returned, she assured us that she had taken care of Daja, leaving us all tired but in good spirits as she and sleepy settled down to sleep together that night, and I did as much packing as I could before bed to prepare for our trip home the next day.

Monday: And Away We Go

I would wake up to the sounds of sleepy finishing her packing so she could meet a local friend for breakfast, and get out to do some sightseeing with them before she would meet us at the airport. I took the opportunity to give her the digital art I had commissioned for her birthday, gave her a kiss on her way out, and grabbed a shower before eating my remaining leftovers and getting myself ready for the drive back to the airport in a couple of hours.

I was able to say goodbye to both Daja and Turq when I entrusted my unsold books to them, which they would take back and then ship to me in Minnesota later, and I did my best to make sure I had repacked by bags to be a bit lighter for the trip home, and hopefully save me some overage fees.

(Spoiler: Nooope. Paid about the same overage fees on the way out as I did coming in. It would seem that the extra rope and baked goods took a toll!)

Because we had Timbit’s seat converted to a pet ticket, we couldn’t check in early for the return trip, and had to handle getting our boarding passes at the Delta counter when we arrived. 

Thankfully, aside from having to pay another pet fee (ugh) and my bag fee (ugh) the check in went relatively smoothly, and I was able to make sure everyone had their boarding passes before heading to security.

I was also asked if I could check my roller bag due to the flight being fairly full, so I went ahead, forgetting I had put my noise canceling headphones in the roller bag and not the rope bag that I was now using as a drawstring backpack.

Whoops.

At least I had my phone, wallet, and iPad, and my passport so I could go through pre-check and head down for our gate. I knew I needed some kind of lunch and something to drink, and ended up deciding to hit the Smoothie King right by our gate - and as I did, I ran into Skaetlett, who I had barely been able to see that weekend, Linny, and Camden! There were more hugs and catching up on things each of us had missed, and then we eventually moved down to our gate, where YS, Goddess, Timbit, and Jukebox were waiting, and it wasn’t long before Tigress and Copper joined us as well. 

We all got to talk and catch up (while carefully editing some topics for the sake of Younger Spawn’s ears), and it was a really nice way to spend the time before boarding - though I will admit as the time before boarding ticked down, I was increasingly nervous about not hearing from sleepy. 

Thankfully she would send us a picture message about 15 minutes before boarding was to start, letting us know she was at the airport and heading for the gate. 

Phew. 

Even better, her ‘standby’ ticket had been bumped up into the Comfort+ section, meaning Delta would be giving her a bit more comfortable ride home for a birthday present!

Goddess, Timbit, and I pre-boarded, and I made sure all of our tickets were scanned at the gate this time so there would be no confusion over our seats. 

The flight itself was…ok, but not great, especially since we had something like five small children around us, and the lack of my ANC headphones meant that I had to find distractions. I ended up watching a few episodes of No Reservations on the in flight TV with subtitles on, but I also capitulated to paying $5 for Wifi so I could have access to the internet for twitter, facebook, and what I jokingly called ‘ADHD’ tax - where I quickly found that sleepy had done the same thing, which I gently teased her about over DIscord as she sat in the lap of moderate luxury.  When we finally reached Minneapolis again, we regrouped in baggage claim and made our plans: Copper, Jukebox, Camden, and sleepy would take a lyft back so that sleepy would be able to make a scheduled call with her parents, Cammie could have some decompression time, and Copper would grab my car from the house while Jukebox grabbed the Bolt, and they would come back to MSP to pick us and all the bags up. 

Financially this was probably the best call, but I have to admit that by the time they had jumped off, I was tired, hurting, and really just wanted to go back to the house for a bit, have dinner with my family, and go back to my place to unpack. 

I would have happily spent another $30-40 on Lyft for that, but I accepted that this would be easier on Goddess, Timbit, and the others, so I did my best to stay comfortable and wait.  

Copper would end up taking me, Goddess, and Timbit back, while Tigress, YS, and Jukebox got themselves and most of the bags. We ordered dinner from one of our favorite Chinese restaurants that delivered to the house, including extra orders of potstickers for the birthday girl, and had some good general winding down time together with cuddles, hugs, and kisses goodnight before I got myself home.

Mitch, the friend who had been house and cat sitting for me while I was gone had done an amazing job of cleaning up and organizing a bit while I was away, which I still feel about equal amounts of gratitude and guilt for, and Jet and Rocket both made it clear that I had been missed.

I had taken Tuesday off and really should have gotten my bags in, unpacked enough to sleep, and gone to bed, but let’s just say I got wrapped up in some online discussions (including a lot of mutual ‘I miss you all!’ from people I had been at the con with), and it was a lot closer to 2am than 1am when I finally crawled into bed.

It really was an amazing weekend, and for every plan that fell through I felt like something else ended up happening to make up for it, while I very much accomplished my goal of trying to make more connections and friendships in the community. 

I will probably adjust how I do future cons (especially that overcommitting thing!), but I had finally made it to Charmed. I know I will be going back next year, and I cannot wait for June, when I will hopefully get to see many of my friends again

[sailoragere]

In terror but bold

(I wrote this approximately year ago but I'm reposting it here)

I re-emerge a little braver as the, (presumable), pioneer of this headcanon. As a life-long age regressor myself from trauma, I’ve held onto this interpretation of Minako being an age regressor for similar reasons for many years, fearful and possessive of others (notably “those communities”), stealing and tainting an idea so precious to me.

This can apply to canon AND/or within AU (the latter IS where this began, after all), but let’s try to narrow the scope to canon for just this once. Keep in mind this is 90s anime focused. Also, although I don’t closely follow the manga or Crystal/Eternal/Cosmos, I’m open to hearing how Minako being an age regressor could work into other iterations!)

You may leave comments and reach out to me, but reblogging will be disabled. Just like last time, not brave enough. Yet? Maybe someday…

EDIT: I will allow reblogs after all. But be warned

I honestly would cry and thr*w up whether I attract positive OR negative attention with this ridiculous balls-deep epic of mine. Just please I'm begging of you, don't even interact if you're nasty. I am very against those labels and what they encompass and will not hesitate to block you.

Inevitably, this will reach essay length and be comprised of infodumping to an extent. I’m autistic, I headcanon Minako and Usagi being AUDHD, and Sailor Moon is my SI,so yeah—I’ll try my best to highlight the key points and not make it too TL;DR. Prepare yourself, because this will be a lot. Both literally and emotionally a lot.

Contains spoilers; for those who wish to avoid those!

TW (Trigger Warning): for mentions, descriptions of self harm, talk about agere negativity, people/communities who fetishize regression, considerably heavy topics, harsh realities/canon (for real, coming back to this, I realized it's kinda brutal oops), some swearing.

Yeah uh. I wouldn't read this at all while regressed.

🌟🧡🧸(Alt text: separator emojis of a shining star, an orange heart, and a teddy bear)

Consider, Minako who learns she experiences age regression.

She gets to the point of playing the body double part of the princess so flawlessly, she can’t so easily find in herself where “the princess” ends and where “Minako” comes back in anymore.

Does this whole thing start during Classic? Oh, I’m thinking it could very well have. While Minako stayed often guarded around the others, and in a leadership mindset throughout, there were little moments between she and Usagi wherein they felt on the same level. That could be attributed to Mina already trusting and openly loving her long lost princess, not really caring how she’s perceived by Usagi as much as Rei, Ami, and Mako. She wants to make a lasting impressive, well, impression.

Regarding mimicking Usagi and playing into regressing, it couldn’t have been strong, frequent or apparent enough yet in Classic for anyone of them to notice. Not even Minako.

Ever so slowly fitting her piece into the friendship puzzle. Spending much more time together in a group, attending the hanami picnic, joining in the Snow White play, eventual integration into their strategy meetings at the Shrine… until about halfway through R that Minako opens up even more to the rest of the girls. Including giving it her all to step up and help them while they were sick, despite mostly failing and inadvertently torturing her friends…

But, S season and beyond is where she seems to shine and embrace her true self without much inhibition. The third season was also the point in the show when Mina’s onscreen “twinning” with Usagi noticeably increased.

I mean, Minako literally disguised herself as part of a plan. And it worked. She almost blew it by running her mouth, (in an Usagi-like fashion to boot), but it worked.

Therefore, I’d most likely place the scenario of her regression and increased “twinning” occurring anywhere between S and the end of Sailor Stars.

Suppose the real deal begins as an in-group joke that keeps going on right after she disguised herself. It’s funny at first. Mina puts her hair again in that wonky version of Usagi’s odango to humor everyone and herself.

“Oh, we do look so similar!”

“Could they actually be twins?”

The other three all pretend to mistake one blonde for the other, at times, poking fun at both Usagi and her. Minako could’ve been the princess, see? She can play the part AND protect Usagi!

Then all of a sudden, Ami is helping Minako more with studying and generally communicating more. Calling and checking up on her unprompted, comforting her. Those two are said to have the weakest friendship in the group, so it’s surprising and unsettling at first coming from Ami.

Makoto is more lenient and gives in to Minako’s abnormally childish chaos. She stops inviting her out to shop and spar together, instead waking first thing to walk with her to school, much to Mina's confusion. Making and bringing her her favorite food and sweets. Mako makes a beeline to protect and stand over her shoulder just a little more.

Rei on the other hand, is beginning to talk down to, criticize and spark silly arguments with Minako, just like she does with Usagi. She is now finding herself attached to Minako and Usagi’s shenanigans to an almost equal degree.

If it takes place after SuperS, the outers could very well be doing similar things. Would they be patronizing about it though? I haven’t watched up to that point in the anime yet, and don’t have as good understanding of their characters as the inners. So I’ll leave that part up to outside interpretation for right now.

Mars and Jupiter are alike in battle, rather than meeting Venus on the same playing field or following her leader command, they’re calling the shots. Tuxedo Mask shields her in his cape, treating her like a sister. (Earth and Venus joke lol we'll get to that in length another time), Chibi-Usa scrutinizes, plays, and fights with her, but is right by Venus’s side during an enemy fight. Just like a miniature Rei.

Initially, Usagi super minds all this, gets defensive and prickly as usual when being teased in that manner by her friends and also feeling kinda ignored, replaced even. So can Minako please not dress or act like her anymore? Please take out the buns, Minako. But knowing Usagi, at the same time, she’s probably the very first one to find Mina’s act concerning and worry about her.

To Minako, it feels all part of the ongoing joke at first. From just laughing it off, to the hand waving, weak protesting insisting they give it up.

The more she puts on the “Princess” act, play-squabbling with Rei over the littlest things (can’t really tell whether Rei’s serious or playing too), merciless begging for tutoring from Ami, climbing all over Mako, making her be her chariot when she’s the slightest bit tired, fake pouting and crying at the drop of a hat, feigning further clumsiness, snacking and lazing about, skipping school and training. Minako being content with Usagi peddling the bike every next time.

It becomes harder for her to abstain from body doubling. That almost familiar naivety becomes some sort of a comfort and a habit, like breaking something and always having someone bigger and stronger sweep the glass away. Out of sight, out of mind. Playing ‘the delicate flower’, the most precious lovable fabled savior of the universe, being treated and seen as a twin, she falls head over heels for this extra attention and later takes full advantage of it.

After a few weeks, this “joke” Minako created still hasn’t fizzled out for anyone. It seems to get dig deeper and deeper in her head, and their continued treatment of her isn't making anything easier. The longer this act goes on, the more it grates down on her deep seeded insecurities. She grows anxious and desperate.

Could it be that everyone caught on as well and has been acting out of concern the entire time?

If Usagi figures her out, however soon she does, does she alert the others?

Or are they all in on some indirect intervention to get Minako to realize what she’s been doing is foolish and she should just be herself again?

Would the others adore a Venusian princess just as much as one of the moon?

Would everyone love and protect her just the same?

But if they knew the truth, would they turn on her? A traitor to the end?

Now she's kinda spiraling out of control. Minako playing it up even harder in order to figure out the answers. Her original intent for disguising herself in the first place completely out the window. Out of mind, out of sight. She forfeits her volleyball and other athletic skills in favor of incompetent clumsiness. Continues to unintentionally demean Usagi’s feelings instead of encourage them, through her exaggerated immature behavior.

Mina is such a bad girl, she big time fucked up. And now she's shitting all over herself, in addition. Gets in the way and jumps in front of enemy attacks towards her comrades. Venus meets commands rather than giving them, getting bloodied and bruised without a care. Beaming around broken teeth like an ignorant. Committing to this terrible habit of escapism and self harm as a punishment for stepping out of line of duty.

No longer good enough to be the leader. She must be.

What starts out as her leaderly determination to divert the enemy’s attention towards her and protect the princess, ends selfishly on her part. Her resentment grows to cause her to be so fed up with playing the irrationally likable, childish and cute persona. Worrying everybody at this point, including Luna and Artemis, they finally corner her. Artemis will without a doubt be the one to push her over the edge with an insensitive comment that snubs. Being called out and yanked back to reality by your only caring guardian and cat has to sting.

Her mask crackling, she pops like those clay popping videos. She's beyond angry, she's cartoon-style steaming and red-faced while crying, shouting "No," and bellowing-just like when Spongebob got to the breaking point of his cousin Stanley getting throwing him under the bus and breaking his comfort object, his spatula. (I guess it's an off-topic note, but I love this scene in Spongebob, and I can compare his anger to how Minako might feel sometimes.)

They all had the audacity to compare the Goddess Venus to Serenity?! Is that how they actually see her? As a double of Usagi? Some carbon copycat?! Even if Minako portrays the princess without a beat, the actual princess will always come first in line. Why? Even though Sailor V started fighting first. As soon as Venus finally woke up, the whole world forgot all about every aspect of her. Sailor Moon will always be revered. Everybody loves her! It's not fair!! What about Sailor V? She was a hero even before her and did it better! What about Minako? Usagi hasn't been forced to fight all alone! She hasn't had to murder anybody! She didn't have to kill her first crush.

It's always all about Usagi, Sailor Moon, the princess, who gets all the leeway in the galaxy to cry, piss and moan! But whenever Minako reaches out for the love and care of her friends, duty and destiny call and take over the landline. Venus is indebted to her as her inferior for eternity after eternity. She feels she exists as nothing more than to be punished for her past self's failure to save the solar system that time, too. And so should they. Why?! So cruel...

She's feeling 13 again; a naive, selfish, gluttony mess of a teenage girl with the fate of the world suddenly dropped upon her shoulders. Hiding huddled in her bed. Reluctant to fight, thrusted into a nightmare. Normal girl Minako wants to forget. She has to. No one is more shocked than Artemis, of course. Usagi is obviously in tears and blaming herself. The rest are confused and upset, trying to console the pair of utterly frustrated and distressed blondes.

Are Minako and Usagi distanced by their first real argument as a result?

Or do they understand each other better and become closer than ever before?

How do each of the others personally feel about the situation?

It fully occurs to everyone, including Minako, that she has been progressing backward. Regressing.

But this longing for a sensible life was brewing inside her all along. I like to believe what happened is she lost touch with who she was before, after the initial awakening and memory regain, becoming stuck in a state of hyper-responsibility while searching for her fellow reborn comrades. Minako just didn't know how to regain her warrior-naive selfhood. Gaining back the rest of her past life’s memories near the end of Classic stuck the nail in the coffin against ever going back. That wasn't all, either, because she's still uncovering new forgotten memories from that time. Minako knows only how to guide her subordinates through, nothing of how to cope with her own feelings.

I imagine age regression, its reach and research would be especially unheard of prior to the 2000s. (2016 is the assumed year online agere communities first emerged). Daring to explore herself more by pursuing any kind of external help or items like pacifiers would more likely than not be met with misunderstanding, mockery, and ostracization. At least not by her friends, but everyone else. She would probably end up in the wrong spaces like I did back then, falling into a rabbit hole of people who fetishize childhood. Shit's traumatic.

This is something she can't live down. Minako is convinced something's fundamentally wrong with her, that she's weird. That she might even be a pervert of some kind. In conclusion, in canon, it would likely take many years into adulthood for Minako to come to terms with her age regression, if ever.. Okay, I'm f*****g depressed now.

I hope Usagi and her other friends understand. Show their friend more outward care and support, but maybe they don't. Personally I believe in my heart they would, not perfectly, but through trying their best to accomodate Mina when she needs a break from her responsibilities. Sadly, due to the canon being set in the time period of 90s Japan, the result of this tangent is largely unsatisfying, but realistic.

🌟🧡🧸(Alt text: separator emojis of a shining star, an orange heart, and a teddy bear)

SFW INTERACTION ONLY, PLEASE AND THANK YOU!

[rainneverstopped]

July 29th 2024, 4:30pm

Another day of intense grief, guilt, confusion and so much sadness because you don’t belong and need love that never, ever comes. I woke up so tired today for no reason and I wasn’t sure I would be able to function. The constant sleepiness is becoming a daily thing. I’m scared of having moments of calm because I don’t want to be magically punished for them later. I miss having weeks where I felt all right and had fun. When did it become this fucking helpless?. The worst part is everyone’s unwillingness to see any of this as a serious issue. I did have a very good session with my psychiatrist on Saturday. I don’t want to flatter myself by thinking I’m important enough for him to give me an emergency session (I sent him an upsetting message while having a crying fit) maybe he just works on Saturdays but it was so nice regardless. I felt heard which is rare, I felt ok for a moment. Of course in true “me” fashion I asked him if he disliked me and he laughed and said he didn’t dislike his patients. I figured it would be better to ask than to wonder like I always do. I walk down the street and feel like I’m witnessing some kind of theater play where everyone is “in” and I’m kinda there watching. It feels like being somewhere where I’m not supposed to be. Like going to a foreign country except that it’s not fun or positive or constructive in any way and no part of my soul feels nourished. If anything it feels drained. This is particularly funny because at the same time I constantly feel I’m putting on a show and pretending to be human and I’m pretty sure most people just exist and leave it at that, they don’t have to spend hours wondering how to react or behave. Cried myself to sleep yesterday because I got attached to someone (not romantically) that is not in my life and now I miss him and cry desperately whenever I feel alone or just in general. I feel asleep and had some weird sleep paralysis where I could breathe (I generally can’t during sleep paralysis) but couldn’t move and I kept hearing construction like noises and voices of people yelling and calling my name. I would struggle to wake up and felt scared for my life and kept thinking I needed to walk to the window and check that everything was all right but couldn’t get my body to stand up and as soon as I opened my eyes and tried to snap out of it, they would close again and I would drift into this half asleep state where it would continue. I was terrified. Whenever I opened my eyes the voices would dim a little bit they were still there. Eventually I managed to fully wake up by moving my toes around and got up and checked at the window and the voices went away, it was deserted outside. I stayed up a bit with my phone because if I go straight back to sleep it usually just happens again. It’s like my brain needs to reset before I keep on sleeping. I went to sleep after a while. Today at the subway there was a woman who was selling pens and stationary because she was hospitalized and on disability benefits. She was schizophrenic and the hospital had allowed her to leave for the propose of selling those things to cover for the cost of her soap, toothpaste, shampoo, ect. Apparently the government doesn’t cover those things and it has to come out of her own pocket. What kind of evil, gross hellscape are we existing in?. I want to opt out. Tired of my country, tired of waking up, tired of the dark, dark sadness of it all and the constant, debilitating fear that doesn’t even let me enjoy reading a fucking book. Living should be reserved for the most horrible of humanoid monsters, nobody else deserves this perpetual panic. I hope nothing bad happens to me. I know I have it good in many ways but I wish I could spend the rest of my life crying in somebody’s arms, heavily sedated.

Edit: I noticed I sometimes write “you” instead of “I” when talking about myself. I usually core t it but I’ll leave it because it’s interesting to me and I should probably think why that is.

[coochiequeens]

Man whose own sister described him as 'socially awkward', 'paranoid' and prone to 'frequent anger fits'. He also 'has a history of being cruel to animals'. was able to hire a surrogate mother to have biological children. And when triplets were conceived he tried to pressure her into aborting one and then tried to keep the cost of care for her and them down.

My 'womb for hire' nightmare: Surrogate mother discovered the father was single, deaf and living in his parents' basement - before he demanded she ABORT one of the triplets she was carrying for him

Melissa Cook became a surrogate mother to help pay her bills after divorce

She discovered the father was single, deaf 51-year-old living with his parents

He then demanded she ABORT one baby because he couldn't afford it

He asked clinic staff to limit her visits despite complications such as hypotension 

Believing passionately that bringing new life into the world 'is the greatest gift you could give anyone', Melissa Cook became a surrogate mother.

'When I became pregnant with triplets, I was thrilled,' she reflects. 'I believed then that everyone has the right to be a parent.'

However, six years on, she thinks very differently. For not only did she never see the three babies after they were born, but she has no idea where they now live.

Long-running legal efforts to get access to the children have failed and she is profoundly worried that they are not safe.

'Little did I know what a nightmare it would become,' Melissa says, distraught. 

'It's a nightmare that never ends. When the triplets were born, they were taken away before I could even look at them. It's heartbreaking.'

Her story has shocked America and casts a deeply disturbing light on the surrogacy industry, which, however well regulated parts of it might be, can have devastating consequences.

The fact is that commercial surrogacy in the US has become a Wild West, where money tends to trump everything and little is done to protect mothers or the children they bring into this world if things go wrong.

Melissa's story, too, has important lessons for Britain – not only on the dangers of changing the law to make surrogacy easier, but also because many childless couples from the UK seek children from America.

Different states have different laws, but American surrogates can receive handsome payment, whereas in Britain only expenses are allowed.

Melissa, 54, urges would-be parents to think long and hard before they consider a surrogate from across the Atlantic.

Her story began on May 31, 2015, when she signed a surrogacy agreement with a California agency, Surrogacy International. 

A divorcee with four of her own children, she freely admits she needed the money – and was to be paid $33,000 (£26,000).

In Britain, expenses for a surrogate typically range from £12,000 to £18,000 – not insubstantial, but leaving little or nothing as profit.

Although Melissa works as a 'mobile notary', travelling to clients' homes and offices to help them with legal documents, she was not well paid. 

'As a single mum, money was tight,' she concedes. So she had, once before, become a surrogate to a gay couple – successfully carrying a baby for them. 

She says: 'It was a positive experience. One of the dads came to all my doctors' appointments. I felt part of their family. When the baby was born I was happy to hand the little boy to his daddies.'

But Melissa says her second experience as a surrogate was nothing short of a disaster.

She admits she was concerned from the outset, saying the agency gave her minimal information about the family she thought she would be helping, citing client confidentiality. 

It was only when she persisted that she discovered the truth: rather than acting as a surrogate mother for a couple, she would be doing so for a 51-year-old single man who was deaf and living in his parents' basement.

For legal reasons, the postal worker from Georgia can only be referred to as 'C. M.'

She wished to keep an open mind, however, saying: 'The warning bells rang but I thought, 'Why should a disability prevent someone from becoming a parent?' So I signed the contract.'

Eggs from a 20-year-old donor were fertilised with sperm from the intended father, with whom she communicated only by email. 

Then, on August 17, 2015, three embryos were transferred into Melissa's body.

'I have four children of my own, but this pregnancy was far more difficult than the others,' she continues. 

'I suffered from hypotension [low blood pressure] and was placed on medication and a special diet. I also developed gestational diabetes.'

And there was another shock to come. As is often the case with IVF procedures, more than one fertilised embryo is implanted in the surrogate so as to maximise the chances of success.

When C. M. learned there were three viable embryos now growing inside Melissa, however, he asked her to abort one, she says.

'He sent me a text saying, 'I'm not sure I can have three kids. Can you think about aborting?' I was like, 'Are you kidding?' '

Also, court records show emails from C. M. to the clinic monitoring Melissa's pregnancy, in which he asks staff to help him to keep the costs down.

'Please try to make her visits [to the clinic] less often because I get a bill that costs me a lot of money… it causes me financial problems... [I can't] afford triplets… that worries me so bad for real.'

Tears fill Melissa's eyes as she recalls: 'It became obvious to me that this man wasn't capable of raising triplets.

'He demanded I have an abortion. I didn't want one. When I spoke to the doctors, they told me they would inject one of the triplets, who would die, but he would stay in my womb alongside his brothers until their birth.

'It was like something from a horror story.'

The more Melissa learned about the man for whom she was bearing the children, the worse she felt.

He was taking care of his elderly parents (who have since died), both invalided.

 According to a sworn affidavit from the man's sister, part of later legal action, a heroin-addicted nephew allegedly sold drugs out of the house at the time.

In court documents seen by The Mail on Sunday, C. M.'s sister describes him as 'socially awkward', 'paranoid' and prone to 'frequent anger fits'. He also 'has a history of being cruel to animals'.

Melissa says: 'I became filled with anxiety. It affected my pregnancy. I could feel all three babies inside me. C. M. kept demanding I abort one of the babies. I wrote back to him saying I would keep one myself and raise it myself.

'The agency owner, who was also his lawyer, said 'These are his children' and I told him, 'I don't care. They're mine while they are in me and I'm protecting them.' '

It is at this point that her lawyer, Harold Cassidy, who is sitting by her side during our interview, interjects. 

'The nightmare here begins at the very start of the process, because the rights of the children and the surrogate mother are not protected under American law. It's all about who pays the bills. 

'The constitutional rights of children are being violated and women are being exploited,' he says, adding: 'They are treated as nothing more than a womb for hire, a chattel to be discarded once business is concluded.'

Melissa took legal action before the babies were born. She says: 'I was an emotional wreck. 

'I went public because I didn't want to abort one of the babies. As a mother, I felt protective towards them. I still do. 

'I have never seen the boys, who are six now, but I want them to know I am here for them. My door is always open.'

The triplets were born at 30 weeks in a Los Angeles hospital on February 22, 2016. 

Melissa says: 'They were delivered by caesarean section and there was a screen halfway down my body. I heard them but never saw them.

'There was a guard posted at my door. I offered breast milk but was told the father declined that offer. 

'I had a friend who wanted to be there with me in the delivery room but the doctors refused because the babies' daddy said he didn't want anyone else in the delivery room.'

The intended father, C. M., meanwhile, stayed at home 2,000 miles away in Georgia.

'No one at the hospital would even tell me how they were doing.'

The babies spent weeks in hospital before a medical team of three nurses and a doctor flew back to Georgia with C. M. and the triplets.

Melissa says she eventually turned down all offers of payment from C. M. 'because it would have felt like blood money'.

Her lawyer Harold Cassidy filed lawsuit after lawsuit in an attempt to establish her maternal rights to the babies. 

Melissa's case was thrown out by the District Court of California and the Appeals Court. A request for it to be heard by the Supreme Court was denied.

'All this has been devastating. It's affected my own children and my boyfriend, too,' she says. 'I think about the triplets all the time, wondering how they are.

'Commercial surrogacy shouldn't be allowed. The mother has no rights. No one ever checked the home of the intended father before the triplets were born.

'He didn't even have to go through a psychological background check like I did. When we went to court, the judge said the contract I signed basically gave the father all rights to the children. 

'The judge said what happens to those children is none of the court's business. When I signed that contract, I terminated any of my parental rights.

'During one hearing, the judge said, 'What is going to happen to these children once they are handed over to C. M., that's none of my business. That's not part of my job.'

'I feel bad every day for those babies. I wonder what he tells them about their mother? They are six years old now. I know they will be starting to ask about where they came from. I feel so bad for them. The babies never deserved this.'

The affidavit filed by C. M.'s sister in support of Melissa's case accused him of being an unfit parent. 

'It claims C. M. has been known to leave the children unattended 'for hours at a time' and that the triplets had allegedly been obliged to eat food from a dirty floor.

His sister told the court: 'If C. M. applied to adopt a child and a home inspection was conducted, he would never have qualified to be an adoptive parent.'

Of course, there are two sides to every story. Robert Walmsley, the lawyer who represents him and also owns Surrogacy International, denied Melissa's claims that the children are not being cared for properly, insisting: 'My client is a good and caring father. He loves those children. He owns his own house and the children are being very well looked after.

'Of course, caring for triplets would be a challenge for anyone, but he's doing a great job. He sends me pictures and videos and the children are smiling, happy and healthy. 

'He's a doting father and any suggestion otherwise is totally wrong.'

When asked about Melissa's court fight, he retorts: 'The courts backed C. M. every step of the way, as they should have done. 

'His sister said what she did because sadly there is a rift within the family. C. M. is a private man who never wished to be in the limelight.'

As for Melissa, she 'is not the most stable of women', he suggests. 'I've been in the surrogacy business for 30 years and 99.9 per cent of cases have no issues.

'There were medical reasons C. M. and the doctors recommended the abortion. They are not her children, they never were her children. So she had no right to see them in hospital.

'To be honest, by that stage she was in litigation with my client, so why would he want anything to do with her? She was trying to block him becoming a father.

'He is devoted to those boys. He's loving being a father. He's coping very well.'

None of this helps comfort Melissa, who today remains haunted by thoughts of the triplets she carried.

She says it's her priority to ensure they're being treated well. 'If I find out they are not being cared for properly, I will take further legal action,' she adds.

And what about commercial surrogacy generally? After her shocking experience, she tells me: 'It's not only disreputable – it's evil.'

She adds: 'When I went into it, I'd read all those stories about celebrities having children via surrogates and they had all apparently had happy endings. I had no doubts.

'But now, I would urge people in the UK to think very seriously before thinking of getting surrogate babies from abroad. In America it's a free-for-all.

'You always hear the 'happy' stories, but people are never told horror stories like mine.'

[justafairytailofinnocence]

Brahms Heelshire x deaf/mute reader🔪👧

A solace in Silence🦋

Chapter 1

Summary: A girl who is deaf takes the job of a nanny; she is greeted by a creepy doll in which she must follow the rules. As days pass, stranger and creepier things begin to happen, little did she know things aren’t what they seem.

warnings: none

A/n: hello, I've finally got the first chapter here. comment if you want to be added to the taglist for the next chapter, enjoy💖.

-------

Silence: a term in which any sounds are absent; noise, voices, tones etc.

The darkness shrouded the apartment, no blinds were open, nor any sorts of lights were switched on. The only thing that lit the dim room was the screen of a laptop, a girl sat quietly, watching the movie play on the screen. ‘Slash’ the movement of a machete came swinging down on a blonde woman ending in her demise, the girl watched intently as she waited for the killers reveal. The woman reached into the bag of homemade popcorn; the salty taste reached her lips as she swallowed. In the movie, the killer reached for his mask; the woman watching gripped her pillow closely. The subtitles on the bottom of the screen revealed “It was you; it was you all along, you’re the kill-“. The door inside the dark apartment opened slowly, a figure approached toward the woman with her laptop screen. “ahhhhh!” screaming boomed from the laptop; the figure pressed their hand on the woman’s shoulder. The woman in response Jumped, throwing her pillow in the air and her popcorn spilled everywhere.

“Oh my gosh, I can’t believe you still get scared y/n” the figure soon revealed itself to be a dear friend.

Y/n’s face pouted with annoyance; her fingers started to sign out “y o u s h o u l d n’ t s c a r e m e l I k e  t h a t”.

The friend signed back “I know, I know but it was quite funny hey”.

The light switch to the apartment was suddenly turned on, y/n squinted as the light suddenly became illuminated. “Hey, have you heard of this ad, I know your aching for a job but I thought this one might be fun for you” the friend handed out a flyer, it read.

“April 12th, 2016,

Nanny wanted

We are in need of a nanny fit for our beloved boy, if you wish to fill this position please come to this address below.

Heelshire manor, England”.

The article was straight to the point, there was no information about who these people are or what they want. It was just ‘nanny wanted’, y/n found that quite odd, for one it wasn’t stating whether they needed someone qualified with children nor any information with experience. Y/n gave back the flyer with a wry expression, she was skeptical about the whole job advert. Not like they needed someone with children, but these people would need someone with experience, let alone they wouldn’t want someone who’s deaf and mute. Y/n began to sign out “I’m skeptical about this, I’ve never baby sat before”. That’s when the friend sprung into enthusiasm “no but that’s the thing, you don’t need experience, I’ve spoken with these people, and they’re interested in you”.

“Me? They want me” y/n questioned.

“Yeah, so don’t hate me for this but I know you haven’t had much luck in the work industry, so I thought about putting you up for this” she smiled. Y/n’s friend started to rummage through her closet, chucking her pants, a shirt and whatever else she could find. “Come on we’re leaving now, pack your bags” she enthused.

Y/n in response should be grateful but it’s not like a permanent position or anything. It’s a sketchy ad that was only for a month, besides what would their response be when they find out y/n’s deaf and mute. In the past, not many people took on y/n due to her disability, even when she was with her friend, y/n felt like an outcast at times. Y/n previously lived with her family out near the seaside, the one thing she missed dearly was the sea. Y/n would spend hours by the shore; she would place her feet in the warm, sunny sand and feel the sea roll over her toes. In a way y/n connected with the sea, it was wild and untamable, many judge the sea for its coldness or the height of the waves. The sea was a place y/n felt connected, she didn’t need to speak, nor did she feel the need to try. The sea accepted y/n for who she was, in the past, as wild as it sounds. Y/n used to surf, not for the sport but as a way to feel like herself. It was a thrill and an experience to ride along the waves of the beach.

Y/n started packing, her suitcase was rather small but held a lot of luggage, clothes, make up, toiletries and other supplies. With one final goodbye to the apartment, y/n headed out with her friend to this manor.

After a few hours of driving, stopping, toilet breaks and gas they had arrived, the friend pulled up to the manor’s driveway. For one, the manor itself was rather creepy, it gave off a haunted house vibe. The texture was grey and plane, the windows were sealed, and the atmosphere was rather off. Y/n got out of the car and thanked her friend for the ride, in some way she silently begged her not to go. The car drove off as y/n walked up to the manner's door; it was big and old. At first, she knocked, y/n turned to her side purse to grab out a notebook and pen, it was rather more for communication. Someone opened the door, it was a frail man with a beard, he greeted y/n with a cold tone “hello, you must be y/n, come my son has been eager to await you”. They both entered the manor, the interior looked ordinary to say the least, some furniture was rather old and used. Y/n walked up the stairs following the man who she assumed was Mr Heelshire, above the staircase stood a tall painting with both Mr and Mrs Heelshire with a boy. The boy was rather lifelike, whoever painted them must’ve been paid highly.

As Mr Heelshire and y/n reached the top, he asked y/n to wait outside as he entered through a room and shut the door. Y/n breathed heavily, she was prepared for the worst, these people seem far too serious to hire someone from the likes of her. Just then Mr Heelshire opened the door, inside the room stood Mrs Heelshire and a chair with a small, child size hand sticking out the side of the armchair. Y/n curiously peaked her head around the corner to see—a doll—sitting in the armchair. Y/n’s first reaction was to laugh as she thought it was a prank, however the elderly couple didn’t seem to take it as amusement. This started to get y/n unnerved, a doll was one thing, but she was expecting a child. “Brahms has been awaiting your arrival y/n, he was quite delighted when he heard of you” Mrs Heelshire grabbed the small dolls arm. Y/n smiled out of politeness, she grabbed her pen and jotted down "I'm glad, please know I’m deaf and mute, I rely on lip reading”.

Mr and Mrs Heelshire didn’t seem too affected as they both looked at each other, Mr Heelshire started to continue “of course, during your stay here there’s a list of rules you must follow”. The old man handed y/n a list of rules she must follow “I say this as a warning not to break them, Brahms gets quite upset If any were broken”. Y/n looked down at the list of rules she had to follow “by lord, there’s a lot” she thought.

Rule #1: No Boyfriends

Rule #2: Dress Him Each Morning

Rule #3: Kiss Him Goodnight

 Rule #4: Never Leave Him Alone

Rule #5: Never Go in the Attic

Rule #6: Help with Studies

Rule #7: Never Cover His Face

Y/n understood them all, she didn’t complain as it would be an easy task looking after a doll that didn’t cause any trouble. Y/n wrote down “Of course, I shall follow each rule thoroughly”.

Mr and Mrs Heelshire seemed satisfied with y/n’s response, Mrs Heelshire knelt down and kissed Brahms forehead. Y/n walked with them downstairs to the front door, Mrs Heelshire gave y/n a hug and whispered something into her ear “Sorry”. Mr Heelshire walked down the stairs as Mrs Heelshire returned to her normal state bidding y/n a goodbye. Y/n was left alone—with a doll—in the manor, just great, well there wasn’t too much to worry about aside from the creepy tone. Y/n started to venture into the kitchen leaving Brahms in the armchair upstairs, now yes one of the rules did say not to leave him alone but can you blame her, the doll was creepy. Y/n started looking inside the cardboards, one opened and nothing, second opened and nothing. There wasn’t anything interesting, especially in the food department although that thought was soon put to rest when a man entered through the back door. Y/n jumped as she placed a hand over her chest “sorry, sorry, you must be the new nanny” the man smiled. “I’m Malcom, I usually visit the house and deliver groceries, I’m sure you’ve seen the doll right” Malcom waited for an answer however she didn’t speak.

“Hey uh, guess your rather shy huh” Malcom rubbed his neck as a way of feeling awkward.

“Please forgive me, I didn’t mean to act impolite, I’m mute and I can’t hear” Y/n showed the notepad to Malcom.

Malcom understood but felt foolish for not letting y/n know he was entering, he guessed he assumed she heard him enter. Malcom began to ask, “so are you from around here”. Y/n wrote down “I’m from the seaside, I lived in an apartment for a long time alone, my parents are no longer with me”.

“So can you understand me, do you use hearing aids” Malcom asked.

Y/n raised her hand to shake it side to side as if to say sort of, she pointed toward her lips and then toward the words as if to say, “lip read”. Malcom nodded in response and jotted down in y/n’s notebook “Is it tiring to lip read”.

As to which y/n nodded, she wrote down “sometimes I get headaches from concentrating on people's lip movement, sometimes when people speak too fast, I don’t get it straight away. But I do try and understand some words to see what they are saying”.

“I would much rather be signing” Y/n finished writing, she smiled at Malcom hoping to understand. Malcom grabbed the pen from y/n’s fingers and wrote down “you seem like a kindhearted person, perhaps you could teach me how to sign? I would love to learn more about you”.

Y/n smiled, she raised her hand to her chin and then back out toward him as a way to say, “thank you”. Malcom started to follow through with the movement, he raised his hand, flat going toward his chin and then out again. Y/n smiled; she raised her thumb. Malcom lightly grabbed the pen and wrote down “your quite beautiful, perhaps you should teach me more sometime”.

Y/n felt her cheeks go red; she had never really had anyone talk to her this way before. Malcom smiled before waving goodbye, y/n in response waved back, she secretly smiled from his attempts at flirtation. Y/n started to head up from the kitchen to the bedroom to unpack when she found on the side shelf; it was a crumpled piece of paper with words written on it. Y/n curiously unwrapped the paper to see the words written.

“You are following the rules aren’t you y/n, I’m so lonely without you”.

Y/n threw the note to the side in shock, was Malcom playing a prank on her, were there teenagers living here. It was only a matter of time before y/n concluded “could it have been Brahms, but he isn’t possessed, is he?”.

These questions swirled y/n’s head as she read the note, she didn’t sign up for anything haunted nor for anything cursed. Y/n had gotten her first reminder of the rules, she should perhaps follow it unless it was a prank.

She would have to wait for tomorrow, will she follow the rules or play them off as a mind trick.

Only the doll would know.

Taglist: @peachycupotea

[lubdubsworld]

⋆⋆✵ Perfect Imperfections ✵⋆⋆

Chapter 1

Genre : Arranged Marriage AU! Angst! Explicit Sexual Content.

Rating : 21+

Warnings : Ableism , Chronic disability. OC has limited use of her left leg, Emotional infidelity? Mild Cheating ( nothing very physical.. a kiss or so )

Summary : Marrying Jungkook is a mistake. Falling in love with him? Definitely the worst exercise in masochism .

~~~~~~~~~~

Chapter 2

No one tells you how easy it is to imagine yourself in love with a beautiful man. Especially when you don’t have a clear understanding of what love actually is. 

When I met Jungkook, even knowing he was in love with my sister hadn’t done much to douse the flames of hope and attraction. He was a lot of things that other men in my life weren’t. Kind without being pitying. Concerned without being overbearing. He took care of me without making me feel helpless. And there was always such a thin line between these things that I found myself impressed by his ability to toe the line so well.

Jungkook took care of me without making me feel like a burden and I suppose, some part of me had assumed that this could, in due time turn into love. But I was clearly wrong.

Jungkook and Liza had been kissing in the hallway of their hotel room and someone had taken pictures. My father and his had managed to get them taken down but the news was already out, spreading like wildfire . My phone began ringing sometime around eight in the morning and hadn’t stopped. It was now a little past one in the afternoon and I felt queasy, despite the assurances that it was all being taken care of.

It was the pity in everyone’s face that I couldn’t bear.

I wasn’t hurt. Angry, yes? Upset? Of course. But I wasn’t hurt because there really was nothing to be hurt about. Jungkook didn’t love me. He was in love with my sister . He had made it clear, through his words and his actions, over and over again. At this point, I could see this debacle as nothing more than a possible way to get out of the marriage. Perhaps, my father would approve of a divorce?

I glanced at the article again.

The photo is just so annoyingly clear, I thought with a grimace. If it was a little blurry, I could convince myself it wasn’t him and her. But it was clear. That was my husband with his lips locked with my sister’s. Against my better judgment, I read the article again. It was a gossip column, of course there would be nothing good in there. But sometimes curiosity can be a persistent thing.

I felt my skin crawling as I realized that the phrases were all pretty true. There was no gossip here. Just plain facts.

And then my eyes reached the end of the article.

Of note is the fact that Jeon Jungkook’s wife is disabled and perhaps the virile young man is merely looking for pleasure he can’t find in his own marital bed.

I swallowed, quickly exiting the page and tossing the phone on the bed, away from me. I stared out of the window of our bedroom, the large doors left open to let air and sunlight in. There was a tall sycamore tree right outside out bedroom and the branches almost reached in and I stared at the rustling leaves, trying to scrub my mind clean of the words I’d just read.

But it was impossible.

It wasn’t something I hadn’t thought of. The stark difference between me and Jungkook, physically. He spent five days a week in the gym and they were right. He was a young man with healthy sexual appetites.

I’d never cheat on you. Jungkook’s voice from a week ago still echoed somewhere inside my skull.

I sighed, playing with my wedding ring.

I wasn’t a virgin when I married Jungkook. Hadn’t been one , when I got into the accident either. My then boyfriend, a tall strapping lit major had been a very sexual guy as well and our libidos had matched pretty well. But I’d been an athletic nineteen year old, able to bend like a pretzel at his whim and there was just endless time and endless stamina and just a whole lot of attraction . We had spent hours, exploring each other the way college kids do. Weekends in bed spent trying every possible permutation of sex positions and kinks and I’d discovered all the things I liked. All the things I didn’t.

But then the accident had happened and well, when you’re in crippling agony, sometimes sex takes the backseat. I’d been focused on my recovery, on making sure that I came out of this at least with the ability to walk and I’d succeeded. Burying the part of me that craved a man’s touch, it wasn’t easy but it was necessary.

And then Jungkook had happened.

Sex with Jungkook hadn’t been difficult. Not really. I wasn’t completely crippled after all but it was also nowhere near as exciting as it could be with someone who had full use of her legs. I knew that. It was kind of obvious. But I hadn’t dwelt too much on it because to be honest, Jungkook hadn’t looked like he’d minded. He had seemed to enjoy himself .

But then reading about how he probably hadn’t enjoyed it definitely stung.

Worse yet, probably half the country was reading it with me. I felt nauseous. Did no one think that they should have left the last part out of that article? It was terrible enough without adding that bit about me.

A faint buzzing made me turn to the bed.

I glanced at my phone as it rang, my father in law’s name prominent on the screen.

Showtime, I thought with a grimace.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“I suppose it was too much to hope for , expecting that boy  to keep his dignity. This is outrageous.” Mr. Jeon’s loud voice rang through the foyer of the house and I flinched, gripping the edge of the futon as Sana jumped a bit . She sat next to me, holding my hand carefully. Moral support I supposed but I was feeling entirely too blasé about the whole thing. None of this was unexpected, I thought miserably and I wasn’t feeling up to pretending otherwise.

“I still wish they’d talked to me about this.”

My brother in law’s voice broke me out of my thoughts. The man looked like he’d been dragged through hell and back and I felt a pang of genuine sympathy. He looked wrecked and it was obvious she was in love with my sister. Resentment coiled thick and deep inside me. Resentment and envy.

With no effort at all she had charmed both the Jeon brothers, I thought bitterly.

Jeon Jihyun looked absolutely stricken at the thought of losing his wife.  

“I’ve asked Lisa to take the first flight out. She called me this morning, hysterical. It was something done in the heat of the moment. She .. She’s very apologetic. I believe her and I’m willing to forgive her. We’re…. We’re thinking of starting a family together. ” He said softly and my stomach turned.

I felt my skin go ice cold as I wrapped my arms around myself. Shivering just a bit, I lightly squeezed Sana’s hand. She looked at me in askance and I had to swallow to get my voice out, throat dry. The words made me want to retch. I could imagine how Jungkook would take this news.

“Can you get me my shawl? It’s in the green room.” I said hoarsely.  She bowed before moving away from me and when I looked back up, Jihyun’s gaze caught mine.

“This must be hard on you.” He said softly and I flushed, staring down at my knees.

“Not like I can run from it. Literally or figuratively.” I smiled without mirth.

“Jungkook is …he’s just confused. He needs some time to sort himself out. I’ve asked him to take a break and come back to Seoul after a couple of weeks. The separation would do him some good.” Jihyun said quietly and I sighed before nodding. What else was I supposed to say to that anyway? There wasn’t much I could do, my influence on things almost nonexistent at this point.

“Are you going to give the boy a break, Jeon?” My father demanded, staring at Jungkook’s father who sighed.

“Yes. I’ve been trying to get these damned reporters off our back. They’re all over the place. And yes, I think Jungkook should stay in Japan for a while.  We’re starting a new distribution branch there and I wanted him to scout places and possible vendors. I’ll tell him to hash out all the details before coming back.”

His phone rang again and he excused himself . I watched him leave the room, trying to make sense of his words.

How long would it take to build a whole branch in Japan? I had no clue. But it could hardly be done in a few weeks, could it?

“That’s.. That’s a long time.” I said hesitantly and my father frowned.

“is that a problem?” he asked.

I sighed. There was no point keeping this to myself. I was supposed to go to the doctor’s tomorrow. And well, it would be better if they heard it from me first.

“I.. I’m pregnant.” I said quietly.

The silence that followed was deafening. I stared at the carpet, not able to bring myself to look up at them. I could guess, what I’d find there. It was what I always found in people’s faces.

“Oh, sweet child.” My father’s sigh made me look up and there it was. The pity. I felt sick to my stomach. Sana returned, settling the hand knit shawl over my shoulders and I wrapped it tight, before glancing at her in some desperation. She smiled reassuringly, settling next to me and gently taking my fingers in hers. The warmth grounded me for a second and when Jihyun growled, I stared at him.

“I… I didn’t know. Fuck, I’m going to kill Jungkook. This fucker…” Jihyung swore and my father sighed, clearly thinking hard.

“you can’t be staying alone now.” He said softly, sitting up and cracking his knuckles, and I swallowed. I wouldn’t bear it if they tried to take me back home. I had hated it there.

“ You must come back home with me.” He said softly but I quickly shook my head.

“ No.. No I won’t. I … Please.” I begged, the mere idea of going back to my childhood home a nightmare. My mother would kill me with just her sharp and vindictive words. I was in no shape to put up with her verbal and emotional abuse. It was one of the things that had made me agree to marry Jungkook in the first place.

“Well, you can’t stay here by yourself.” My father protested. I’ve been by myself my whole damn life, I wanted to scream.

“I’ll be fine. I have Sana and the others to help me.” I said tiredly. My father shook his head before turning to Jihyun again.

“Is Namjoon still working on his book?” My father asked him and Jihyun frowned. The name elicited a tug in my memory and I turned to stare at my father, confused.

“You remember him? He used to tutor you when you were hi High School.”

I had a brief flashback to dimples and almond shaped eyes. I remembered him vaguely. Very vaguely. But nowhere well enough to want him to live with me, alone or not.  

“Dad…” I protested but he held a hand up to silence me, nodding at Jihyun .

“Namjoon? Kim Namjoon? ” He shook his head. “ I’m not sure. Why?”

“I think it would be good if he moves in here. His father was telling me that he was looking for a place to stay, now that he’s moved back to Korea. ” My father said softly, staring at me and I stiffened.

“Father…” I began desperately and my father shook his head.

“Don’t argue. He was a dear friend of yours. I don’t think you should be alone at a time like this. And I think Jungkook would approve. Like Jihyun said, the kid needs some space to sort himself out. Let him finish whatever business is going on in Japan.” My father glanced at Mr. Jeon who looked at me with guilt.

“I owe you an apology , on behalf of my idiot son.”

I looked away, not sure what to say to that. I hated the man quite passionately. Jungkook wasn’t perfect… far from it. But this man had taken a sledgehammer to my husband’s mind and heart at every turn. The disdain, the condescension, the sick way he favored his brother over him, the way nothing Jungkook did was ever good enough. It had all taken a toll on my husband. I had watched it chip away at Jungkook’s self confidence, at his mental health.

“I think more than anything, you owe an apology to your son. You knew he was in love with Lisa and yet…. You forced him to marry me.” I said quietly and the room went eerily quiet. My father rounded on me , eyes blazing.

“Leah!!! Apologize, now!” He roared and I looked away.

“You’re all the same. Ungrateful and entitled.” Mr. Jeon said sharply, before turning to his son. “ I’m leaving Jihyun-ah. Tell me when that wife of yours get home. I want to talk to her.”

He shared a half hug with my father before stalking off and my father grabbed his jacket as well.

“I’ll leave as well. Your mother is being quite hysterical. Apparently, all her friends are hounding her about the article.” He sighed and I nodded , watching him shrug on the jacket before nodding at Jihyun and then following his friend out to the front doors.

Jihyun stayed standing , watching my father’s form disappear through the door before turning to me.

“ Are you alright?” He said quietly, moving to kneel in front of me. Sana stood up, bowing before leaving and I watched her disappear into the hallway leading to the kitchens. Jihyun’s fingers wrapped around mine, brushing my knees and I stared down at him.

“The question is, are you alright?” I brushed the hair off his face. He sighed.

“No. No I’m not. I’m angry and jealous and very much filled with resentment towards my brother.” He said honestly and I laughed, tugging on his hand and patting the seat next to me. He straightened before moving to settle next to me and I leaned on his shoulders, sighing as he wrapped on around me, the warmth of his body comforting .

“Are you going to give your marriage a chance?” I asked carefully.

“She told me she was going to break things off for good. We.. We’ve been talking about it. Starting a family, making this work.” He said quietly. I nodded. It was understandable. Unlike Jungkook and I , Jihyun had a responsibility. He would need a son and even though people liked to act like they didn’t care much about gender, like they didn’t care much about having children , it was sort of an unspoken rule. First son of the house ? You had to have a male heir to carry the family name.

I wondered how that conversation had gone between Jungkook and Lisa. It didn’t really match the photo I’d seen.

“I suppose Jungkook probably put up a fight. He genuinely wants to end up with her. He… He tells me often that he loves her and can’t love anyone else. ” I wondered if I ought to feel embarrassed or insulted.

But the truth was, I was numb to a lot of things that had once hurt quite a lot..

The conversation with Jungkook about my pregnancy had definitely cleared things up for me. There was nothing there worth salvaging. Chasing something that wasn’t real , that was foolishness. Especially when I had a very real baby to think about. A child that counted on me to make the right choices.

“I don’t think he did. She spoke to me last night and said that he agreed. Of course that was before the article came out. I’d like to think she didn’t lie to me but I’m not sure.”

I sighed, settling in closer to his chest. He was warm and firm, solid and reliable. I wondered if it would have been easier, if my father had just married me off to Jihyun instead. Jihyun and I …we were alike. We had been friends , even from childhood. Had watched with fond adoration as our younger siblings had fallen madly, wildly in love. Jungkook and Liza had been drawn to each other from the first. Inevitable.

Jihyun and I were more carefree. We didn’t feel things that intensely and perhaps that was why we could sit here in the calm of the afternoon air, quiet and introspective when we ought to be furious and raging.

“ Should we run off together? You and i?” He said suddenly making me laugh.

“Very much incapable of running.” I reminded him with a grin and he squeezed my shoulder .

“I’d carry you.” He said simply.

“Where would we go?” I asked curiously, indulging the fantasy for just a few minutes.

“Somewhere far away. Maybe India? There’s so many people there and we could get lost in the crowds.”

“That does sound appealing.” I smiled and turned to look up at him. His face inches from mine, not as handsome as Jungkook but strong featured and kind. “ But I’m not alone anymore. I have a child.”

His gaze dipped to my lap.

“Yes. Jungkook’s child.” He said thoughtfully.

“No. Mine. Nobody else’s . Just mine.” I said quietly. Jihyun’s gaze softened. He pressed a quick kiss to the top of my head.

“I’m sorry.” He whispered, echoing his father’s words.” On behalf of my idiot brother, I’m sorry.”

And where Mr. Jeon’s words hadn’t made any sort of impact, Jihyun’s made my heart clench and ache in the worst way. Self pity was something I loathed but sometimes, being handed the short end of the stick at every turn in life makes it impossible to not feel sorry for yourself.

Tears stung, welling up in my eyes and spilling over my lashes like water bubbling out of an aquifer.

I blinked slowly, not bothering to wipe them as they traced a path down my face, dripping into the fabric of my shawl. In a moment of clarity I wondered what Jungkook must be going through now. Nothing good for sure.

It definitely said something, that I still worried for him. Sighing, I let Jihyun hug me closer. I would take advantage of his kindness for a few more minutes. It had been a while since someone had held me like I mattered.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I called Jungkook that evening.

It wasn’t an easy choice but my heart ached and my mind raced with unanswered questions. I didn’t want to get lost in my own thoughts so I didn’t overthink it. We were still married. I was allowed to call him.

He picked up on the third ring.

“Where are you?” I asked quietly and Jungkook’s groan made my face heat up a little.

“I… Leah?” He sounded groggy. I glanced at the time. It wasn’t late.

“Are you sleeping?”

He didn’t reply for a few minutes.

“I’m sorry about what happened. We.. We didn’t do anything else. It was just.. it was a kiss. Just that.”

“Are you still in the hotel?” I asked quietly ignoring his words.

“ For tonight, yes. Dad wants me to stay with a friend of his. I’ll be going over to their place tomorrow morning.” He replied .

Silence followed for a few seconds.

“Namjoon is moving in tomorrow.” I said stiffly.

Jungkook didn’t respond for a minute or so.

“Yes. Father said it’s a good idea. And I agree. You shouldn’t be alone while I’m here. He’s right. Hyung’s a nice guy. He’ll help you out.” Jungkook said softly.

“Liza came home. She wanted to talk to me.” I said quietly.

Jungkook didn’t reply and I sighed.

“I told her I wasn’t going to talk to her before I talked to you. I don’t… I don’t want to say anything to her that I haven’t already said before. But I still want to know your thoughts on all this. Your plans, that is. I take it you weren’t happy with her ending things.” I said stiltedly.

Jungkook didn’t reply for a few seconds.

“Things between us ended a long time ago, Leah. It was over when we both agreed to marry other people. Maybe even before that, I don’t know… I … I guess I just didn’t want to acknowledge them.” He said quietly. “ She’s different, now. Even that kiss felt so wrong.  She’s moving on. I’m glad in a way. She deserves better than me. She deserves someone like hyung. He’s better than me in everyway and-”

God I wanted to strangle him.

“So why did you kiss her?” I snapped. “ If you’re so generously letting her go why would you…” I stopped.

“I didn’t kiss her. She kissed me. It was barely for a second.” He muttered. “ whoever it was must’ve been videoing us for a while.”

I had to remind myself that in the grand scheme of things, this little detail made no difference.

“Right.” I sighed. “ So, you won’t be home for a while?”

“Six weeks at least.” He said quietly.

I tried to keep the disappointment down. I still wanted to see him, just to make sure he was okay. But I knew that was just the pregnancy hormones talking.

“Okay.” I said simply.

“How are you? Did you go see the doctor?” He asked softly and the question surprised me. I was half sure he had forgotten.

“No, not yet. Maybe in a couple of days.” I scratched at a small stain on my skirt. Lime juice and baking soda, I thought absently. That should get the stain out.  

“Its pretty late. You should go see the doctor, Leah. I.. I looked stuff up. They say you have to be on pre natal vitamins, folic acid and iron supplements  and you have to have  a balanced diet. I called Sana earlier and told her to speak to our doctor and get a diet chart for you. She said she’ll do it soon. So , please take care of yourself.”

Jungkook sounded entirely serious and as always my brain felt muddled, unable to process why he did the things he did. He had looked things up about the pregnancy and that implied some sort of interest, didn’t it? But ….. he had also kissed my sister so what was I supposed to do with this?

“I’ll call you.” I said shakily, drained. I was done for the day.

“Right.” He said softly. “ Namjoon hyung will be there tomorrow right? Should I talk to him? He could take you to the doctor.”

“No.. That’s fine. I’ll manage.” I said quickly.

“You’re sure?” There was genuine worry there.

“Yes.” I sighed.

“Alright.”

Silence again. I exhaled shakily.

“Should I hang up?” I asked quietly.

“Yeah. Good night. ” He breathed.

“Good night, Jungkook.”

Click.

I stared at the wall, gently lowering the phone and placing it on the bed next to me.

She deserves better than me, his voice echoed in my head.

Well, so did I.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Namjoon looked nothing like the twenty one year old college student I’d seen a decade ago. I knew he was a successful novelist and I’d read all his books. They were mostly philosophical or commentaries on life and emotions. I enjoyed the way he wrote : melancholic and deep but also clear and easy to understand. It was like staring at a particularly deep pool, being able to see all the way down to the bottom because of how clean the waters were. But once you put your feet in, the depth  always surprised you.

“That’s a lot of books.” I laughed, gripping the edge of the door frame as I watched him stumble under the weight of a crate full of bound books. Namjoon’s messy brown hair peeked over the top, and when he adjusted the huge load to stare at me, I caught sight of his handsome face stretched in a dimpled grin, eyes glinting.

“Research.” He grunted, straightening himself up and I watched the flex of his muscles as he carefully moved to place the crate down in one corner of the large bedroom that I’d had cleaned for him. It was on the west wing of the house, parallel to my own bedroom that I shared with Jungkook . Namjoon had spent three years working as a professor somewhere in Indonesia. And I knew that he’d spent a year backpacking all over Scandinavia. I stared at his tall strapping figure, watching him set up his writing space carefully, sorting out boxes and electronics.

He had driven here in his Range Rover and I knew all his clothes were still there in the back of the car.

“Should I ask the footmen to get your clothes?” I asked and he glanced up at me, frowning.

“Footmen?” He looked confused and I rolled my eyes.

“Namjoon…” I said chidingly and he grinned again.

“I keep forgetting you’re filthy rich. Makes me wish I should have beaten Jungkook to the game and bagged myself a rich wife.” He winked. It was a joke but there was no mistaking the hint of interest in his eye. Or maybe it was just wishful thinking on my part. Being married to Jungkook had definitely made me question the attraction I held for men so it felt good, having someone as handsome and whole and successful as Namjoon look at me like that.

“I’ll ask them to get your clothes. You should shower and settle in. We’ll meet for dinner tonight.” I said quickly and he nodded.

“You’re going to be okay heading back to your room? Let me know if you need help.” He pointed at my feet and I nodded. It was sweet of him to offer.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dinner was surprisingly not awkward at all. Namjoon had a lot of interesting stories to share and I found myself clinging to ever word in rapt attention. He spoke about all the folklore he’d run into in different places, how he thought that no matter the culture, there were always some common things you could find in every one of them. He also talked a little about his next book, which he hadn’t named yet.

“It’s about second chances. Forgiving and moving on.” He said, taking another bite of his braised pork and moving to make another lettuce wrap.

“ Heavy stuff.” I said thoughtfully. “ Most of my writing is commercial. I just try to sell stuff to reluctant people. It’s not much but it keeps me occupied and it’s always nice to make money that you can call your own.”

“It’s because you don’t write for yourself. When you start writing for yourself, you can truly be who you are.” He said firmly and I nodded in agreement.

My writing in college had been vivid and bright and filled with life. But after the accident, it had turned grey and gloomy. The words seemed to drip with loss and longing and  I didn’t enjoy it, because it was a reminder that I was no longer the vibrant, attractive fulsome girl I once was.

“Maybe that’s what I’m afraid of.” I smiled. “ Being who I am. I would rather pretend I’m at least a little alright.”

Namjoon stared at me, thoughtful.

“You used to run track.” He said softly and I grinned.

“You remember.” I said, pleased.

“Of course I do and you were captain of the volleyball team as well. You used to organize all those hikes and treks and stuff.”

“Yes I did. I loved the outdoors.” I stared out of the window.

“Loved? Past tense?” He tilted his head. I stared at him, shaking my head.

“What kind of question is that.” I shook my head. “ Look at me. I’m not trekking anytime soon, considering how the last time ended.”

“You can still go out.” He frowned. “ When was the last time you went somewhere?”

I shook my head.

“Oppa…”

“Listen. You know me. You’ve known me for more than a decade. Do you honestly think I’m going to let you rattle around this old house like a ghost when you should be out there taking in all the sunshine you can get?” Namjoon placed his chopsticks down and linked his fingers together, staring at me.

I stared at him, and it was definitely there. The concern, the affection. Not that different from when I was sixteen and struggling to understand what pathos meant.

But now there was a definite undercurrent of attraction. Back then it had been childish, the wild crush of a teenager on her hot tutor but now, now I knew that he was so much more than just a hot guy.

“I’m pregnant.” I said softly, more a reminder to myself than anything else.

Namjoon grinned.

“We’ll steer clear of horse riding and alcohol. Anything else you can just let me know.”

“Are you serious?”

“As a heart attack.”

“I think I’m getting one now.” I deadpanned.

“Because you’re nervous.” He grinned.

“Because your dimples look too adorable.” I retorted.

He laughed.

“I’ll talk to Jihyun and we’ll go see your doctor first. Then we’ll go out and have  a nice picnic.”

“Namjoon, I can’t…”

“You don’t know that.” He said firmly.” You don’t know if you can or can’t because you’ve never tried. Listen I love picnics and I love going out and I want company. I’m agreeing to be stuck with you for a while and the least you can do is  give me company at a picnic. You know how big a loser I’d seem like if I went by myself?”

It was like I was sixteen again getting brow beaten into things by a tutor who just hated the idea of not getting his way. I shook my head fondly.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Fourteen weeks. Three and a half months.

I stared at the ultrasound, feeling a multitude of things, not all of them good. The baby was growing well and I had all my prescriptions filled. Namjoon had offered to come with me but I had refused. It was too intimate and he was still a stranger. I did take a photo of the ultrasound and sent it to Jungkook.

/Jungkook called me back almost at once.

“You went to the doctor?” He asked, sounding a little breathless.

“Were you running?” I asked, surprised.

“Not really. I’m supposed to be meeting one of the vendors for lunch and I thought I could walk to the restaurant but its farther than I thought.” He huffed.

“Everything’s fine. Baby’s due in July.” I said quietly.

“Summer. That’s good.” He replied. “Right?”

I hesitated. What did that mean? What did it matter when the baby would be born?

“Because winter would mean it being too cold . Summer we can take the baby out and stuff without worrying too much.” Jungkook said softly.

Oh.

“How’s work?” I asked awkwardly. The non conversation was getting tedious. There was just so much to talk about and it was obvious that both of us weren’t in the mood to actually ask or answer anything worthwhile.

“Did dad say something?” Jungkook asked quickly and I frowned.

“No. Why?”

“He wants me to join hyung in the corporate office. Leave the smelter units.” Jungkook sounded subdued and upset and I felt sympathy well inside me.

“Join him? As what?” I asked quietly.

“Head of the marketing department. I’ll be reporting to Seokjin hyung.” Jungkook had clearly started walking again, breath coming in little exhales.

“You don’t want it?” I asked confused, not sure if this was a good or bad thing.

“I mean… I have a degree in Business and Finance. Hyung’s the CEO , I was hoping I’d be the CFO.” Jungkook sighed, “ But I suppose I should be grateful he didn’t disown me altogether after what happened earlier.”

I stayed quiet and so did he.

“We need to talk . When you get back. You … I know you don’t like sharing about what you feel but you owe me an explanation.” I said firmly.

“I know. But I meant what I said when I left. I’m going to be there for you and the baby. You’re still my wife. That’s not going to change.”

I ran my fingers over the ultrasound.

“Did you also mean the part where you said you can’t stand me.” I said bitterly .

Jungkook didn’t reply.

“I… You know I didn’t. That was just something I said on impulse. I’m sorry. You’re… You’ve been nothing but good to me. And honestly, just the fact that you’re carrying my child is proof that I can definitely stand you.” He sounded just a little hoarse.

I bit my lips, staring up at the door when I heard a knock.

“Leah? I’m going to have some tea in the garden … You wanna come with?” Namjoon’s voice rang through the room and I froze.

“Oh.. Oh.. yes. I’ll be down.” I said quickly, nodding . Namjoon pointed at the phone and gave to thumbs up before moving back out.

“Was that Namjoon hyung?” Jungkook’s voice came over the line.

“Oh… yeah. Yeah, he’s… he wants me to have tea with him in the gardens.” I said awkwardly.

“That’s nice.  You should go. Get out of the house once in a while.” I didn’t know what to say to that so I stayed quiet.

After another minute or so of silence, Jungkook cleared his throat.

“ I got that form you sent in for me to fill, about my medical history. I’ll fill it up and mail it to the doctor’s office. Is that alright?” He asked hesitantly. “ If not I can fly back home. If they need me in person or something.”

I frowned a bit.

“They don’t need you in person, Jungkook of course not. Mail it, that’s fine.”

Another pause.

“This is really happening huh? A baby. We’re having a baby.” The exhaustion in his voice was palpable and I wondered.

“Yes. We are.” I said simply, not having anything else to elaborate on. It was happening. I was torn between pleasure at having something to look forward to and guilt at forcing Jungkook into a role he wasn’t ready for. But , for better or for worse we were married. The child was his. It would be a Jeon.

“ I’ll do better.” He said quietly. “ With the little one. I’ll be better.”

Tears these days, sprung up out of nowhere I thought miserably, furiously swiping at my face.

“Leah?” His voice came over the line. “ Leah are you there?”

“I need to go.”

“Alright.”

“Take care of yourself too, Jungkook.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Loneliness .

It’s such an odd sort of feeling. Sometimes you get used to it so much, that you forget all about it.

It stays , a part of you that doesn’t make much of an impression on you until one day, suddenly it becomes unbearable,

Until you get a glimpse of what it’s like to not be lonely.

And then suddenly it’s like a deep chasm of longing and desperation just opens up inside you, craving love and warmth and company with a hunger that feels like it can never ever be satisfied.

I’d never paid much mind to the fact that my life revolved around myself, my writing and the flowers in the garden. Not until Namjoon had come, demanding to be felt and seen and heard .

 Namjoon hadn’t joked about not letting me rattle around the house. Our days were spent sprawled on the lawns of the Jeon estate, each of us occupied with our own writing . Namjoon typed away on his laptop while I preferred my leather bound notebook. It was oddly soothing, lying there on the clean cut grass, the sharp blades rubbing against my bare legs, as I leaned back against a tree trunk, watching Namjoon’s furrowed brows as he wrote.

Namjoon had changed in a lot of ways and yet he was still somehow just as I remembered, focused and often lost in his own head. He was a contemplative man and seemed to spend as much time reading as he did writing.

“There’s a poetry club that meets every Tuesday in Gangnam. Would you like to come with me?” He asked casually, about a week after he’d moved in and I considered it. The paparazzi had finally stopped hanging about the estate and Jungkook had called the previous night with a ETA for when he would be back.

Four weeks at most, he had said firmly and I wasn’t sure if I was feeling all that excited for his return anymore. Days spent with Namjoon were more exciting. He included me in every little thing and I was addicted.

Somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew this was probably wrong. Namjoon was sweet and kind but I was still married. But on the wake of that thought came the bitter reminder that there was nothing between Jungkook and I. He was in love with someone else. Why should I deny myself the joy of Namjoon’s company over a relationship that really wasn’t a relationship at all.

Namjoon treated me as an equal, teased and flirted like there was nothing wrong with the two of us living like this, together and away from the rest of the world and I liked it. It made me feel like perhaps happiness wasn’t such an abstract, unreachable thing after all. That perhaps I could find happiness like this. In friendship and mindless conversation with a man who didn’t see me as a burden.

“I’d love that.” I said with a smile, letting my fingers knit together with his.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Scorned wife getting even? We spotted the recently cheated on Mrs Jeon getting cozy with a strapping, buff hottie in a private restaurant last Friday and we can’t help but wonder if perhaps the reclusive lady is trying to get back at her husband by flashing her own boytoy.” Namjoon read cheerfully from his phone, looking way too entertained as he showed me the zoomed photo of us holding hands over the dinner table .

“That’s quite the description they’ve put for you.” I grimaced, sipping my chamomile tea slowly. My father and Mr. Jeon had reacted with their usual anger, threatening to sue the gossip rag for libel but it was pointless. They would keep being intrusive rats. There was nothing much to be done beyond enduring them.

“My agent’s losing his mind. He’s been at me trying to get me to agree to book signings and public appearances and he’s pissed that this is the way I get introduced to Seoul’s High society. Poor guy.” Namjoon chuckled and I felt guilt churn.

“I’m sorry, Namjoon. I really didn’t think they’d be following me. I mean… usually they’re only tailing Jungkook but I guess with the whole thing with Lisa , they’re just looking for ways to make things worse.” I said hesitantly.

Namjoon hesitated, staring at me for a few seconds.

“We never really talked about how things are.” He said quietly. “ Between you and Jungkook, that is.”

I ran the edge of my chopsticks on the brim of my soup bowl.

“ There’s not much to say. He’s…. He’s still sorting things out. With my sister.” I smiled a little. It ached a lot less, I realized with surprise.

“They loved each other deeply.” Namjoon said softly. “ that sort of thing doesn’t go away that quickly.”

I nodded.

“Of course. And I’ve been …understanding of that. I like to think.”

“But its unfair to you. You deserve to be loved too. Fully and well .”

I leaned back to stare at him.

“Are you offering?” I laughed, teasing.

Namjoon didn’t smile, leaning forward instead.

“Depends. Will you ever consider leaving him, for me?” He said seriously.

My heart turned over inside me.

“Namjoon…” I choked out and he reached out and lightly touched my palm.

“I know how marriages work with people like you, so I think I should draw boundaries now, if I want to keep myself safe.” He smiled a bit.

“I’m pregnant. With his child.” I swallowed and Namjoon’s brows went up.

“I thought it was your child. Yours and no one else’s.”

I felt torn, staring at him and wanting to say that I didn’t consider Jungkook as the child’s father, not in the way most people did. But I also remembered my husbands determined voice, the way he kept insisting that he wouldn’t neglect the child.

“Its not about Jungkook or the child, Leah. Its about you. You married Jungkook knowing he was in love with your sister and that tells me that you listen to your parents. You don’t want to stand up against the rules set by our parents and I don’t fault you for it. But I can’t let myself fall for you, knowing you’re going to be bound by your obligations to yurr family.”

I shook my head.

“Don’t fall in love with me.” I said easily. “ You’re right. My family comes first. And whether I want to be or not, I’m bound to Jungkook for life. So don’t fall in love with me.”

He smiled and nodded.

“Alright then.”

“Do you want to move out?” I asked bitterly and he looked genuinely surprised.

“What?”

“You clearly think I’m trying to seduce you or something when really, I-“

“Hey. Hey, Leah…no. No alright, that’s not what I meant. These two weeks, it was amazing. I love your mind and you’re easily one of my favorite people on this planet. We’re friends. And we’ll stay friends no matter what but you must know why I said what I said. You’re a beautiful woman and I’m a lonely guy.” He smiled a bit, “ I just don’t want to make it hard for myself when you want me to leave.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jungkook arrived back in Korea on a cold, rainy morning and against my better judgment I let Jihyun and Lisa drag me to the airport. It was some kind of publicity stunt, that much I could fathom but I didn’t know if Jungkook was in on it. I hadn’t spoken to him in a few days, he had been busy wrapping things up with the new branch in Japan.

It was another bad day for my leg and I found myself leaning heavily on my sister, her arm wrapped around my waist as we walked over to the waiting area. I could already identify a few men with cameras staring at us discreetly. Paparazzi . I saw them move their cameras down to the now obvious curve of my stomach and I swallowed. I could already imagine the articles wondering who the father was : Jungkook or Namjoon.

“You alright?” My sister asked worriedly and I nodded, not looking at her. Lisa hadn’t been discouraged by initial refusal to speak to her, keeping at it till I finally caved and let her visit me at the estate. She didn’t love Jungkook anymore, she insisted . It was over. They were over . She wanted to give her marriage a chance. Very sweet and nice, that. And it was obvious that she wasn’t lying, what with the way she and her husband kept

Jihyun and Lisa had made amends with each other and it annoyed me that they seemed to be madly in love with each other all of a sudden. Like the past couple months hadn’t even happened. I stared down at my wedding ring feeling stricken. Was it unfair that I resented them for this? Why hadn’t the two of them thought of this, of breaking things off and moving on before the damn wedding. And then maybe Jungkook and I would have had a real marriage too.

Bitter and hormonal was definitely not a good combination I thought with a wince, fingers splaying on the curve of my lower belly. It was so odd, being pregnant. The extra weight somehow foreign but also …so soothing. The last scan had shown that I had an anterior placenta and that meant that I may not feel movements for a while. I didn’t mind, having found comfort in just tracing my palm over the bare skin of my stomach.

“There he is.” Jihyun’s voice made me look up and ure enough there he was.

It wasn’t the longest we’d been away from each other and yet, I felt my heart leap at the sight of him. He truly was a very handsome man, I thought miserably. And no matter what people said, it was infinitely more difficult to hate your husband when he looked that good.

Jungkook’s eyes caught mine first and I saw the way his gaze dipped straight to the curve of my bump. Even from the ten feet between us , I saw hi lips part in surprise , eyes going wide. It probably hadn’t felt real to him till now, I thought biting my lips as he carefully handed his bags over to the two chauffeurs who had rushed to help him.

Jihyun wasted no time in bounding over and hugging his little brother tight.

I glanced at the man who had been taking photos, pleased to see the surprise in his face. Was he hoping that the CEO would punch his little brother in the face ? Idiots. Lisa stayed by my side and I exhaled shakily.

“ Dad told me something and I want to know if its true.” I said quietly.

She didn’t reply.

I took a deep breath, still watching the two brothers embrace each other, Jungkook’s face buried in Jihyun’s shoulders. I could see him shaking just a little and I felt my gut clench.

“He told me that …that you never told him that you wanted to marry Jungkook. That when he suggested Jihyun you agreed at once.”

She looked away.

“Lets talk about this later.” She said quietly.

“Does Jungkook know?” I demanded. “ Because he spent that first month of our marriage cursing our father out for forcing you to marry Jihyun. Forcing. And dad says that he did no such thing. So what is the truth.”

Lisa didn’t respond.

“Jungkook  knows.” She said finally, “ I told him… the truth. When we were in Japan.” and I laughed in disbelief.

“Was that before or after you kissed him?” I snapped and she looked genuinely pained.

“Leah, I never meant to hurt you or Jungkook.” She said shakily.

“My God.” I shook my head. “ I always knew you were a selfish, greedy person but I didn’t take you for being a liar and a deceitful coward. ”

She stared down at her feet.

“Yes. I’m greedy..”  She whispered “ And you may not understand it now but I did it for you and for Jungkook.”

She moved away and I watched as Jihyun pulled away from Jungkook, still holding his arm as he held a hand out to Lisa. The smile on her face seemed genuine as she took her husband’s hand and I shifted my gaze to mine. Jihyun and Lisa walked away to their car and Jungkook stepped closer to me, his face stoic and impossible to read.  

“Leah.” He said quietly, dark hair falling into even darker eyes.

I didn’t reply, merely stepping up to gently press my palms on either side of his face.

“Welcome back.” I said softly, before reaching up and kissing him full on the lips. Jungkook’s entire body went stiff as a board at the gesture but he didn’t pull away , thankfully. It felt cold and impersonal and barely lasted a few seconds but hopefully the man had gotten a few good shots. I closed my eyes for effect, running my thumb over the clean shaven curve of his jaw, before pulling away slowly.

I peered over Jungkook’s shoulder, just to make sure and sure enough, the man was moving closer to get better angles. I smiled a little. Good. That should hold these vultures off for a while. I turned back to Jungkook and his eyes followed my gaze catching sight of the man with the camera and his entire body seemed to go stiff with anger.

“Why did you do that?” He growled and I bit my lips.

“You know why.” I made to turn away but he gripped my arm, hard. So hard that I winced.

“What are you doing?” I asked panicking, glancing at the man who was still watching.

“Since when did you start pandering to those pigs?” He whispered angrily and I flinched.

“Your father wants to introduce you to the Board of directors this weekend.” I whispered quietly, “Most of them read the news Jungkook. The last news about us can’t be about you cheating on me.”

“That’s my business. And I’ll deal with it. We’re not doing this, Leah. I’m not putting on some kind of act just to please my fucking father.” He looked furious and the taut line of his jaw made me flinch.

“I’m sorry.” I said quickly, guilt churning inside me. He was right. I shouldn’t have done that without talking to him about it but I knew that the scandal with him and Lisa wouldn’t go down well with the Board. And the Board generally had a direct say on who got hired to top managerial positions.

“I just want you to get that job.” I said softly and he stared at me, stiff body relaxing marginally.

“Let’s just go home. Yeah?” Jungkook said tiredly and I bit my lips.

Less than fifteen minutes since he came home and we were already at odds with each other.

The most ill suited couple in the universe, I thought with a grimace as he stepped right next to me and wrapped a hand around my waist.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I had a very terrible tendency to forget taking my pills. So I generally left them by the bedside table. Stepping out of the shower, I found Jungkook sitting on my side of the bed, examining the bottle carefully. I tugged on the white t shirt I had on, suddenly embarrassed because it was Jungkook’s

I’d asked to borrow a couple over the phone,  simply because I no longer fit into my own and the ones I’d ordered weren’t here yet. Jungkook had agreed but still, it felt awkward when he was wearing the exact same t shirt himself.

He turned around when I moved to the vanity to put on moisturizer for the night and through the reflection I saw his gaze linger on my attire.

“Aspirin? Didn’t know that was part of pre natal vitamins?” He said seriously and I blinked., surprised. I turned around to stare at him, licking my lips nervously.

“How much research did you do?” I asked, genuinely curious and he flushed.

“I had a lot of free time. “ He said defensively. “ These six weeks.”

I frowned, before turning back to grab the small pot of night cream from the draw.

“My blood pressure is a little elevated. My mother had pre eclampsia with my sister and they just want to be careful.”

“Pre eclampsia?” Jungkook’s voice was fraught with nervousness and I turned back to see him almost white as a sheet.

“Jungkook…I.. its nothing serious.” I said hastily and his jaw went even more taut.

“What do you mean its not serious? Do you even know what it is?” He demanded.

“Do you?” I snapped back, annoyed at being treated like I was an errant child.

“I know that it’s the leading cause of maternal death during birth.” He all but shouted and I flinched.

“Okay…that’s only in extreme cases.” I held both my hands up. “ it’s a bit too premature to be panicking over that.”

Jungkook opened his mouth, as though to argue but then seemed to calm himself down.

“When’s your next check up?” He asked casually.

“This weekend. But its okay, Namjoon is-“

“I’ll come with you. I.. I want to come with you.” He said quietly.

I stared at him, feeling too awkward to outright refuse.

“You have the meeting with the Board. This weekend.” I said softly.

“So?” Jungkook shrugged. “ I’ll just tell them your appointment and health is more important to me. Besides isn’t that what you wanted? The reason you kissed me at the airport? You want the board to think we’re happily in love. I think that would be an excellent way to show them that. ”

Jungkook stared at me , head tilted curiously, daring me to deny what I had old him myself.

Sighing, I nodded.

“Alright.” I managed a weak smile. “ You can come with me.”

“Namjoon hyung left today, you said?” He asked casually.

I nodded.

“I should send him a bottle of his favorite wine for taking care of you so well. You look good.”

“He did it because he wanted to. Because he enjoyed it.” I retorted, his words rubbing me just a little wrong.

Jungkook smiled although it was more of a smirk.

“I’m sure he did. But I’m here now. And I did promise you that I’ll be there for you.”

“For the baby.” I said sharply, not liking the way he looked. The things he seemed to b implying.” You promised me you’d be there for the baby.”

“And right now, said baby is inside you.” He grinned now and I felt my pulse quicken at the sight. Jungkook didn’t smile with me. It wasn’t something that happened. At all. “ So I’ll have to take care of you.”

I stared at him, biting my lips.

“What are you doing?” I demanded. “My sister told you she never wanted you so now you want to start fucking me again?”

It was cruel. A terrible thing to say and I regretted it at once.

The smile faded.

“What?”

“ I…fuck Jungkook.” I groaned.

“is that what you think of me? Need I remind you that you were the one who came to me all those months ago? I never…. I would never force myself on you, Leah.” He looked like he’d been stabbed and I heart clenched.

“Jungkook , I…”

“I’ve been honest. Through all of this I’ve been honest to you. I lied to your sister, I lied to my father and fuck I even lied to myself. But I’ve been honest with you , Leah.”

“And that’s supposed to make me feel better?!” I cried out, despairing. “ You were in love with my sister and –“

“And she wanted to marry my brother.” Jungkook yelled, standing up and turning to me, eyes blazing. “  All along. Know what she told me Leah? That it was never supposed to be me. That five years of us being together…it was because she was in love with my brother and she couldn’t bear the thought of being alone. She started dating me to make him jealous and when she saw that I spent so much time with Jihyun she stuck around . So she could spend time with him.” He shook his head.

I stared at him, horrified.

“Jungkook….”

“I thought I could never feel more pathetic than when I stood there listening her tel me how she never felt a single thing for me. But wow…. Thank you for proving me wrong. Because right now, standing here begging you to let me a part of the child we both made knowing you only see me as some kind of pervert just looking to get into your bed….” he shook his head,” I feel worse. I feel dirty.”

My throat went dry.

“You know what?” He moved to the closet and to my horror he grabbed a bunch of his clothes and a small suitcase. “ I’m going to go get a Hotel room.”

“What? No… Jungkook, wait!” I rushed to his side, grabbing his arm but he threw my hand off quickly.

“Ask Namjoon hyung to move back in. Better yet, tell dad the truth. That you think I’m disgusting. That the thought of me being in your life makes you sick. Tell him you want a divorce and-“

“It’s a girl.” I exhaled sharply.

Jungkook went completely still.

I swallowed, my heart racing so fast I couldn’t catch my breath.

I took a deep breath and moved to lightly touch his back, fingers splaying on the broad expanse of his shoulder blade .

He turned around at that and my heart lurched at the tear tracks down his cheeks. He looked wrecked.

“ A girl?” He whispered.

I bit my lips, nodding.

“We’re having a little girl.” He looked a little shell shocked.

“Yes. And hopefully, she isn’t as dramatic as her father.” I said softly, grabbing the dozen or so t shirts he’d pulled out of the closet and pushing them back into the shelves.

Jungkook didn’t protest, still staring into space, probably just taking the news in. I felt awful for one second because I hadn’t even cared all that much when the technician had told me.

I closed the closet door and moved back to the vanity trying to process all that had been said in the last five minutes, only to feel a headache come on. I would think about it tomorrow.

I finished braiding my hair when Jungkook’s voice came from the bed.

“If you don’t want me to intrude into your space you can tell me. I’m okay with only getting information about the baby.” He said quietly.

I stared at myself in the mirror.

I turned to him slowly. i took a deep breath, considered that what i was going to say would likely change everything between us. But i had to. 

I’ve always been honest with you Leah, He had said and I decided that perhaps he deserved some honesty in return.

“I think I’m in love with Namjoon.” 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Author’s Note : these two are such a mess istg. 

ooh i don’t have a taglist for this so please comment if you wanna be on it. 

[amethystpath-writes]

In the Papers

(NOT A PR0MPT)

If you want, could you write a trope where someone (villain or hero) is visibly weak in a fight where they just couldn't move well, and boy, they collapse in the other's arms. This was based on the sentence, "The last thing i remember is the warmth of arms holding me." 😔✌I'm a sucker for the stoic one pretending like everything's fine when the other just,,, becomes soft for them. I don't know if that's clear, but I do want to give you this idea. Just take care of yourself!! You don't have to do this if you don't wanna :> Stay safe!!

Thank you for the kind words @whoopdyprompts ! I strayed a wee bit from the prompt, but I hope you can enjoy it all the same!

******

In Hero’s eyes, she was throwing swift fist, after swift fist. Of course, her fast fists were being caught and thrown right back at her, and she was aware of it, but it only meant she was evenly matched. That was okay. Hero needed to keep pushing. Keep throwing fists- despite the tightness in her chest.

Through the thick of ‘intense’ action, Villain said, “Hero, you need to slow down.” Slower than what she was already being, anyways. She needed to sit down.

“Why? So you can win? So you can cause yet another panic?”

Villain caught another fist, twisting it this time, and ultimately rearing Hero into an uncomfortable and disabling position. With her wrist tucked into her back, and her back pressed so tightly against Villain’s chest, there was nothing she could do to either fight him nor become free. “Why?” Incredulous. “Because your face is beet red and I’m afraid you’re going to pass out. You’re not getting enough oxygen.”

“What would you know about my oxygen?” she seethed, attempting to yank her arm free. Although now that she heard Villain’s words, there was an awful lot of mucus in the back of her throat, blocking her airways. And she felt hot- very hot.

“Your face,” he repeated, “is beet red. You have asthma, Hero. Stop before you end up killing yourself.”

Asthma? How did Villain know about her asthma?

As if reading her thoughts through her stillness, Villain explained, “There was an article in the papers. ‘Is Our Hero Really Our Hero?’ I wonder the same thing only because of how stupid you’re being right now.”

“You’re going to call the person who’s about to pass out stupid?” Shit. She didn’t mean to admit she was near fainting.

“Because you are about to pass out and you will not stop squirming around.” Villain spun Hero in a one-eighty, pinning her arms to her sides with two strong arms of his own. Maybe they wouldn’t be so strong if Hero had enough oxygen in her system for her blood to actually circulate as it was supposed to.

“Let go of me,” Hero spat, and Villain did. And she staggered one step, and then two steps. Her head swayed as a dark vignette grew in her vision, coming closer and closer to an all-black image. Before she knew it, Hero was falling.

Preventing Hero’s fall wasn’t easy with as quick as she fell, but Villain managed. He wouldn’t try talking her down just to let her hit her head. “You know it was out of a caring heart that I told you to stop, right?” She was blinking at him, still conscious, even if just barely. He paused, smoothed Hero’s hair behind her ear. “Why do this to yourself?”

“Why do you sound like you care?” She sucked in a quick breath and swallowed, coughed.

Villain shook his head, walking Hero over to a wall. “Hands behind your head.”

“You’re arresting me?” She wheeze-laughed.

“Do it. It’ll help open your airways.”

She knew that. “I don’t trust you won’t do something to me.”

A tautness took over Villain’s face. He clenched his slightly crooked jaw and looked to the ground. “I wouldn’t take advantage of anyone’s disability. I wish you knew that.”

But Villain didn’t get to say this last part in full because Hero snapped, “It’s not a disability.” She didn’t like that word- it made her feel helpless, useless, weak.

“So what if it is or isn’t, Hero! You’re not breathing normally dammit.”

The two both took a moment to breathe- Hero more so than Villain for obvious reasons. She laced her fingers together, palms on the back of her head, elbows stuck out like misplaced wings. Meanwhile, Villain paced.

“I wreck corporate parties because they all have underground operations that are destroying people’s lives. But you wouldn’t know that because you waste your lungs fighting me instead of using your brain to investigate them.” Was Villain angry? Yes, but that was quite the understatement. His anger wasn’t caused by Hero’s naivety. Rather, it was because she was pushing herself too hard. “It’s not your fault that you have asthma. But it is your fault that you don’t take care of it when it’s acting up. You’re not hurting anyone by saving yourself, Hero.”

“I could be stopping you,” she said. Her breaths were fuller now, more effective in taking care of her body. “It’s what they all want.”

“Because they don’t know the honest threat.” Villain sighed. “I value you, Hero, for being the icon everyone can look up to, but you’re not seeing what it’s doing to you. You read that article, didn’t you?”

The newspaper? Yes, she did.

“And you blocked it out of your memory- began wondering why you suddenly couldn’t exist with asthma. You can’t wish it away, however much you want to. And I know that sucks, I know, but listen to me. You are no lesser of a person for having a disorder- whether that’s asthma or anything else.” He neared the wall which Hero still stood at, and seeing that her breathing, her complexion, was back to normal, he took her hands in his own, gently rubbing his thumbs over her cracked knuckles. “If anything, I applaud you for your ability to exercise at all. You haven’t let it discourage you, no matter how much you tried to shelter it. I’m proud of you.”

A tear slipped down Hero’s cheek. She nodded. “I needed that,” she told Villain, watching his thumb glide across her skin. A loving touch, a caring thought. It was all she needed to realize she deserved more than pressure and doubt. Hero deserved the appreciation and concern. “Will you walk me home? It’s several blocks away and I don’t trust myself to not jog back.”

“I’ll walk you,” he said, “but you need to tell me where your inhaler is so I can shove it down your throat next time you do this.”

“Hate to break it to you, but I think that would make my breathing even worse.”

******

@whatwhumpcomments