#I will set appropriate coping mechanisms

[unashamedly-enthusiastic]

Twice a week I need to drop my toddler off at nursery before going into my office

And every time we're remotely delayed by roadworks, traffic lights, lost shoes, toast, the wrong jacket, a cool bird, etc. I say to myself "come on now, this is eating into mcmuffin time!"

As if I have any intention AT ALL of going into an office 40miles away to sit on zoom calls without the fortifications of either sausage and egg or links and potato scone

No, the nonsense is not cutting into mcmuffin time, I will be eating a warm and tasty treat. This is absolutely cutting into my first zoom call of the day and I only wish I liked coffee so I could stop somewhere else and rock up with a large and obviously time consuming beverage

[polarmoon]

🪐 oasis springs aerospace is hiring!

OASIS SPRINGS AEROSPACE (OSA) is an aerospace startup located in oasis springs, arizona. we are seeking to form a small, diverse team of new graduates with backgrounds in physics, biology, and computer science. if you are interested in aerospace mechanics, astrobiology, or astrophysics, apply today!

this is a public call for sims to join my occult legacy save!

i'm looking for 7 sims to become christopher's coworkers + more sims to populate oasis springs.

submissions will be open until june 15th.

🌴SUBMISSIONS CLOSED! thank you to everyone who applied :)

📝 guidelines

young adult human sims only!

i am looking for sims that are engineers, biologists, and computer programmers that would be interested in working in aerospace. you can get creative, but try to stay within those niches!

please write a small biography about your sim! it will help me select who i think will be best for the job. you don't have go super in depth, but their bio will help me select the final sims :)

you don't need to set your sim up with degrees or skills or anything if you don't want to! i can do all of that in game myself.

💌 how to apply

simply make a post introducing your sim and tag me in the post! feel free to send me an ask telling me you posted one, just in case tumblr eats the notification.

i will contact you via askbox after the post goes up and we'll organize a private download, so make sure your ask is open! i will be downloading every sim that is submitted.

i will reblog every submission under the tag #deanOSA

⭐ selection process

the deadline for submissions is june 15th, 2025. sorry for the short window - i'm really excited to play asap lol. i'll be selecting the sims and posting about them sometime before june 21st, 2025!

i will be selecting 7 sims to be christopher's coworkers for the duration of the generation. using the club feature, these sims will act as his coworkers, and will ultimately become his and percy's primary social circle.

i am ideally looking for at least two sims from each category (engineering, biology, computer science). i want to create a well balanced team for this project, but if i don't get enough submissions for each category, i'll just cope :P

the sims will be chosen based on... vibes? i might rng if i'm stuck between who to pick. ultimately though i want to pick whoever fits best with christopher and the vibe i have for the team.

don't worry though! all sims submitted will be added to my save and live in oasis springs for the whole generation! because i use kuttoe's home regions mod, they will be the only sims populating the town, and so they'll be the sims interacting with my sims most often. they will also essentially be re-populating my save since i recently culled a bunch of random townies lol

i will absolutely be posting updates if anything interesting happens with submitted sims :) and who knows, maybe a future dean will marry a descendent or something!

🧬 sim creation info

i have all packs, so there's no pack restrictions on what you can use to dress up your sims!

your sims should have one outfit per category. don't worry about their main outfit being work appropriate - i'll be giving each sim an additional work outfit. if i need to add or change anything, i'll make sure to keep their aesthetic consistent!

cc is okay, but keep it to a moderate amount. mm preferred, hair + clothes are okay, but don't go buckwild on accessories or anything like that (unless it's important for their backstory or identity, like necessary scars, medical equipment, identifying features, etc)

if i choose not to use any of the cc given with the sim, i will change the item to something consistent in style that i already have in my game. (for example, a green t-shirt will be swapped out for a different green t-shirt)

please don't use custom body presets! custom face presets and sliders are okay, but just know that they might get messed up if i ever need to make tweaks.

feel free to use skin details and makeup, but the sims will have my defaults, and i might change up some skin details and makeup to fit in with my game better. i'll still retain their general look though! i might just go with stuff i have in my game instead of new stuff that i wouldn't normally use.

you can either link the cc they use in the post, or include them in the dl with their tray files. i don't mind either way.

that should be everything!! if you have any questions feel free to ask me. no judgements if you need clarification on anything i mentioned here :) i know it's a lot lol!

🚀🌴☄️👽🛰️🌻

taglist of people who replied to my initial interest check: @nervousgnome @girlwithnojobcom @peachiyuu @simbugge @cozylattesims @simswoon @thecutestgf @panicsimss @gerbits @moontaart @iliketodissectsims @pixelblooming @spectermansion @alxandergoth (if you no longer have interest in applying, no worries! just wanted to tag everyone that replied to my interest check just in case they didn't catch this post in time for the deadline. <3)

(the lot in these pictures that i will be using this generation is "astronaut eco pod" by teaboat on the gallery, edited a bit!)

[ahundredtimesover]

I Want You to Stay (10) | JJK

Pairing: Jungkook x (f.) Reader

Genre/Tags: boss!JK x assistant!reader; idiot strangers to lovers; slow slow burn; k-drama feels; angst, drama, fluff, smut

Chapter (Series) Warnings: foul/explicit language; alcohol consumption & passing out, unhealthy coping mechanisms; family drama; minor injuries; power dynamics (JK starts off as a jerk); work-related anxiety, feelings of helplessness, insecurities; mentions of childhood traumatic experiences, nightmares; sexual harassment, attempted assault; mention of implied of domestic violence (PLS BE CAREFUL WHEN READING); arts and business/property devt talk that’s probably inaccurate; commitment issues & emotionally constipated characters; cold and detached JK; eventual explicit sexual content (specific warnings stated per chapter) (18+)

Chapter Word count: 20.6k

Series Masterlist

Status: Ongoing

Series summary: Working for Jungkook isn’t the same as working for Hoseok. For starters, Jungkook doesn’t smile, he doesn’t appreciate you, and he gives you too much work. It doesn’t help that he’s incredibly handsome and has women at his beck and call. But as the tension grows, it becomes impossible to resist him. You’ve dedicated yourself to your job for 8 years so when you finally decide to put yourself first, he asks you to reconsider. And while you know that leaving is difficult, you learn that when it comes to Jungkook, staying is always so much harder.

Playlist 🎶: on the way home

A/N: Hiii we're close to the end! I've been enjoying this journey with all of you; thank you for being patient, and again for all your love and appreciation for this story. 🥰 Updates will continue to take longer as I continue to work and study. On another note, pls savour this! Hehe

And as always, my biggest thanks to @wonwoonlight  🥰

PS. If I can’t tag you, pls fix your settings!

The weekend after your site visits passes by excruciatingly slowly. 

You zone out while watching your variety shows the rest of Saturday. On Sunday, you do errands and clean your apartment. Whether you’re lying on the couch or moving about, you find yourself constantly stopping, wondering how Jungkook is doing. 

You could say that the trip ended on a good note. The drive back home had you sharing both the silence and conversations about growing up with your friends and finding refuge in your favorite places. He was smiling as you narrated your stories and while he told his. He was engaged most of the time, drifting away for only some short moments before coming back to you. 

There was a different emotion in his eyes when you said your goodbye after he dropped you off, though. You could see gratitude in them but also sadness, as if the memories from the night before and from 20 years ago lingered. You know enough about that, too. Good memories can override bad ones sometimes, but in some cases, they only do so for a while, and they can only do so much. 

The image of him of looking afraid from that Friday night is etched in your mind. The way he heaved, how he gripped your wrists as if in desperation for the sounds to stop, and the emptiness in his eyes as the thunder continued to roar keep you up at night.

You felt so constrained at that moment. There wasn��t much you could do that would be appropriate, but it doesn’t mean that you didn’t wish you could’ve done something more to comfort him, to tell him that no matter how scared he was, he wasn’t alone. That night and the morning after, you saw the most human side of Jungkook - the one that buries a lot of memories, that deals with pain and loneliness, the part that’s fearful of others seeing him stripped bare, that cowers in his own corner until the storm has passed. You saw him as someone who needs a companion but is too scared, maybe too stubborn to reach out. He looked familiar because he looked like you. 

All you could do was hold him in any way, protect him from the monsters outside and maybe within, and show him that whatever hurt, gentleness could make it hurt less; hopefully it could slowly heal the ache, too. 

That’s what you learned all these years - all the fear and pain you experienced as a child slowly turned into scars because of your mother’s grace and your best friends’ kindness. You don’t know who gives any of that to Jungkook, and you hoped that during that moment, you were able to give even just a fraction of what you received. 

Even if he kept his distance, you stayed close because you knew that that’s when he needed you the most. And you won’t ever forget the way his eyes softened during that ride home; you won’t forget the smile tinged with apology and gratitude that accompanied the silence. You knew it was his way of expressing emotions he couldn’t verbalize and you could only wish that he knew that you accept them, that you understand. 

You stop yourself from sending him messages a few times, not wanting to invade his space if he prefers to be alone. Maybe he’s figured out a way to cope. Maybe he’s moved on from the incident and wants to just forget about it. Regardless, the last thing you want is to push him away by being too close, so you do the hard thing and wait for the start of the week to see him again.

You enter the car that Monday morning with Mr. Ri’s soft eyes greeting you. You ask if he’s feeling better and he says he is, expressing his disappointment at not being there to drive you and Jungkook last week. 

“How was he?” He asks, knowing that the weather was pretty bad.

“He wasn’t good,” you answer dejectedly. “I think he had a nightmare. I had to calm him down. And he… he told me what happened at that cabin when he was young. I didn’t know it was that bad.”

“It was. He was just a kid. He was only excited about the trip because he thought his parents were joining him and his brother,” the elder man says. “And well, that was when they had to be separated for safety reasons. Then that incident happened. I think he’s carried that resentment towards them ever since.”

“Were you there?” 

“I was the one who found him,” Mr. Ri answers, baring his own pain at having witnessed a young Jungkook being so scared. “I noticed he was missing and I searched for over an hour. It was a big area and the ground was wet and I couldn’t hear him because of the rain. When I finally found him, I carried him back and stayed with him until he woke up. He was so frightened and he… he wasn’t the same after. There was this constant fear and this desire to just be left on his own.”

You force the scene of a young Jungkook yelling for someone under the rain out of your mind. Perhaps the detachment in his eyes that you always see is a remnant from that time when he’d felt so helpless and alone. You don’t know how someone can carry that with them for 20 years. You don’t know how someone heals from that either.

“I know he’s not your responsibility, ___. You’ve done so much for him already,” Mr. Ri continues in your silence. “But no one has shown him kindness the way you have and he's learned to accept that now. He needs it the most during those times. If it’s not too much, I hope you can continue doing that.”

“I intend to,” you respond. It had been natural for you to be gentle, to be patient, and reluctant he may have been at the start, you know your persistence helped him as well. “He’s done so much for me and I don’t think I’ll ever get to thank him for that.”

“Is that why, then?” He wonders. “Is all this just to repay him for the times he was there for you? Or is there another reason?”

You meet his eyes in the rear view mirror and the sullen, almost guilty look in yours tells him that there's more. When you look away, he learns it’s something you don’t want to accept, something you don’t want to acknowledge. 

“It’s okay, you know?” He says, as if he knows exactly what you’re thinking and maybe he does. “We can’t help what we feel sometimes.”

“It doesn’t mean it’s right.”

“It doesn’t mean it’s always wrong.”

“You know it’s not that simple,” you sigh. 

“I know it isn’t. But I just think that being honest about what you feel helps. It may not be easy but you owe it to yourself to find the happiness you deserve.”

“But I don’t know what that looks like.”

“You do,” he insists. “Maybe you’re just scared of what chasing it would mean. But if you allow yourself to truly feel what you feel, then it would be clear what you’d need to do. Just remember that whatever decision you make, you’re gonna have to stand by it, okay? You can’t regret any of it.”

You let his words settle, knowing that they come from a place of pain. But still, you ask a question you’ve been meaning to for a while now.

“Do you regret the decision you made back then?”

Mr. Ri prolongs the silence. He doesn’t meet your eyes when he answers.

“Everyday.”

Your heart breaks for him. You know what he did all those years ago, and knowing that it continues to haunt him pains you. You don’t want that burden. You don’t want one decision to determine how the rest of your life is gonna go with no way to make up for it. You suppose that’s what will happen to you, but you’ve got time to change all that. Maybe you just need the courage to do it.

“The debt I owed kept me from chasing my happiness,” he continues. “You’ve paid yours so don’t let it stop you. You just have to be brave enough for it.”

You nod, meeting his eyes through the mirror this time in understanding and gratitude, letting his words comfort you as you exit the car. 

You walk towards Jungkook’s penthouse in anticipation, as the worry of how he’s been creeps in again. The moment you enter, you get your answer, as you hear the sound of leather hitting leather, the loudest it’s ever been. You could hear him heaving, almost breathless with every movement, but he grunts in between, and you hear the frustration in his every breath. 

From your position in the kitchen, you can see him in the far right corner of his gym, throwing one punch after another, his face wincing in pain, his body gradually giving in as he slows down. He hugs the punching bag with one arm while his free hand continues to jab at it until eventually, that stops, too. He releases it then spreads his body out on the floor as he tries to catch his breath now. You can feel his exhaustion; there’s desperation, too.

He stays there for a while, and you wonder if he’s releasing whatever negative emotions he’s had these past days just now, or if this is what he’s been doing everyday since he got back. 

He sits up, and you look away the moment he glances at your direction. He heads your way, nods at you in acknowledgment, then gulps down the energy drink that he takes from the fridge. His drenched white shirt sticks to his body, but it’s his bruised knuckles that catch your attention. You don’t know if these wounds are from this morning or from the days before but regardless, he acts as if they’re not there. You doubt if he even feels them sting.

Perhaps this is how he copes with anything - tiring himself out, expending all his energy until he’s numb, releasing his emotions in a way that doesn’t require him to be honest or to even say anything. Maybe this is how he accepts; maybe it’s how he moves on and forgets.

He drags himself towards his bedroom then you make your way to his closet to prepare his clothes. You return to the kitchen soon after and decide to make some fried rice. It’s the one dish you make that might make a difference to his mood this morning, so you get to work and cook with what you can, deciding that it’s definitely one of the most delicious ones you’ve ever made.

He finishes his morning routine later than usual. When you walk towards him to fix his tie, you try to hold his gaze, wanting to tell him in your own way that you’re there if he ever wants to talk, but he only glances at you before looking away. You’re unsure of the cause of his somber disposition but the sadness in his eyes causes a crack in your heart. It’s different, you think, and you don’t know how else you can comfort him.

“I made some fried rice,” you tell him as you walk to the dining table. 

He follows, taking his seat then quietly eating his meal as you go through his schedule. He merely hums and doesn’t ask questions, only speaking up when you bring up last week’s site visits, with him saying that there’s no rush for that, and that you’ll talk about it some other time. It’s what tells you that what happened last Friday isn’t something he’s really gotten over. Maybe there are still remnants from that night - of fear, of discomfort; perhaps a bit of shame. And you don’t blame him. They’re what you felt after the incident at the restaurant and after your injury. Being helpless in front of someone is confronting; there’s so much of yourself that gets exposed, and you suppose it’s not something that Jungkook is used to.

You share in the silence, glancing at him to see if what you’ve prepared is affecting him in any way, and you don’t miss the subtle satisfied look he makes once he finishes his meal. It’s what prompts you to push it a little. You stand up, take an ice pack from the fridge, then retrieve the first-aid kit from the drawer. Taking a seat next to him, you lay your palm out on the table, gesturing for him to give you his hands to treat.

“There’s no need,” he says, turning away again.

“I let you push my wheelchair,” you remind him. “And I let you dress my foot.”

“You were injured.”

“And you have gashes on your hands,” you point out. “Which means you’re wounded and you can’t leave those exposed. So please, would you let me do this for you?”

There’s a hint of desperation in your voice, as if all you want is for him to give in and let you help him. You’ve been trying to meet his eyes since you arrived and he’s been the coward who avoids it every time. But the last thing he wants is for you to think that he wants to push you away because he doesn’t; he just doesn’t know how to act around you after what happened last Friday. It may have ended with your unspoken forgiveness and your smile telling him that he’ll be alright, that you’ll be alright, but the past days haven’t been good to him.

In an effort to show you that he’s not angry, he moves his hand towards yours ever so slightly. He doesn’t look at you when you take his left hand and put it over your palm, but he does feel his heart skip a beat at your touch. You place the ice pack over his knuckles, then you move it over to his other hand so you can put antiseptic cream on the one that’s free.

You’re so gentle with him even when tending to his wounds. But that shouldn’t come as a surprise, especially now, as he sees you make an effort in letting him know that everything’s okay and that you’re around in case he needs anything.

The thing is, he doesn’t know what he needs right now. After last week’s incident when he blamed you for not checking the weather, he felt ashamed. He’d apologized for how he used to treat you right before that, and then he went ahead and did all that again over a fear of his that he couldn’t get over, one that came to light that night. 

You saw it all - that part of him that he despises, that he keeps hidden, that he’s burdened by.

That was another thing - you were the one who woke him up and kept him steady. Perhaps it was a nightmare he was having,  but it’s also always been the way his body reacted to the rain and the thunder because of what happened when he was a child. But you saw him bare and terrified, a side of him he wasn’t sure you’d want to see or be around for. You saw him weak and helpless, things he never wants to be in front of other people. You experienced him being honest and not in control, and that made him feel unguarded.

You held him steady though, grounding him when he was slowly losing himself to the fear. Your hands on his head kept him in the present, pulling him back when his mind would travel to that fateful rainy evening in the woods. Your calm and soft voice sounded like a lullaby to him, fighting away the loud sounds that have haunted him for years. It soothed parts of him that were hurting, and you’d done it so naturally, so easily. 

It’s what prompted him to share with you the memory he just can’t erase. And you told him that he could call you when it happened again so you can both replace the bad memories with good ones. Maybe you want him to be brave; he thinks that’s not something that he is. 

Maybe that’s why he’s been this way since he got home that day. There’s a lot of emotion he doesn’t know how to express nor even properly name. He’s sure they’re negative though, and somehow that makes him even more ashamed. He doesn’t like not being in control. He doesn’t like being that bare and uninhibited, especially in front of you, the only person he doesn’t want to scare away. 

He spent the entire weekend boxing and running around the Han River parks in hopes that all the tiredness would help keep his mind off things. But somehow, it always ended up thinking of you. It wanted to hear your voice once more; it wanted your touch.

He has them again today and he feels undeserving. Yet you’re here, healing his physical wounds and everything else that’s hurting within in the ways only you know how to. And he just wants to pull you close. He realizes now that even on days when he hates himself, you’re the one he wants to be around. Somehow you make that hate a little less than before. 

“All done,” you say after placing the fabric bandage on his knuckles. “Minimal movements, okay? And ice them when you can in case something’s swollen.”

“I will,” he says softly, retrieving his hand and feeling your touch still linger, knowing he wants more of it.

You proceed to discuss some events he needs to attend all the way to the office with no mentions of how either of your weekends went. He wonders how you spent yours, hoping it was better than his. He wonders, too, if you thought about him the way he thought about you. But you seem focused on work matters for today, perhaps thinking he doesn’t want to talk about anything else. And you wouldn’t be wrong. 

He gets to his room where he sighs in relief once he sits on his desk chair. It’s now that he feels the soreness and fatigue, as all he wants is to go home and lay in bed for the rest of the day. But he can’t afford that, so he pushes on, surviving a morning meeting and slowly going through each of his emails. He’s surprised when you serve him his favorite beef brisket for lunch, and your soft smile as he thanks you is his bright spot for the rest of the afternoon. 

He powers through reviewing documents right after but his eyes start falling, prompting him to just lean back on his chair for a good few seconds before getting back to work. You knock on the door not long after, and then you place a cup of chamomile tea on his desk.

“I need about five espresso shots, Ms. Cho, not this,” he sighs, the tiredness in his voice evident. But you don’t seem taken aback by his words.

“I disagree, sir,” you reply. “This is to help you calm down. There’s also a couch right there. There’s a reason why it’s big and comfortable.”

He picks up on what you’re suggesting, and he shakes his head in response. 

“I’m not gonna sleep here.”

“No one will know,” you shrug. “But you know it’s okay, right? I can’t imagine how tired you must be. You’re not Superman, Mr. Jeon. Plus, Mr. Jung would take naps here after long nights or during hectic days. It’s normal. And it might just be what you need.”

“I’ll decide what I need, Ms. Cho,” he says defensively. “I wouldn’t want my staff sleeping on the job so why should I?”

Jungkook regrets the words right as he says them, especially when he sees your face fall the tiniest bit. But you recover, saying that you understand then turning to head out. But you fix the pillow on the couch and place the blanket on the armrest before leaving, and he knows that your stubbornness is often a reflection of how you care. 

So he takes a sip of the tea and eventually finishes it, indulging you in this way, but given the morning he’s had, his body gives in. He decides, like you said, that he needs a nap, and he doesn’t miss the victorious smile on your face that he sees from inside when he calls to instruct you not to disturb him for the next half hour. 

With the dim lights and air purifier, he falls asleep right as his body hits the couch. When he wakes up 30 minutes later, he feels infinitely better; now he can focus and be productive.

You see the lights turn back on from outside and it’s your signal that he’s woken up from his nap. You wait a while before asking to enter his room to say that his father requested a meeting due to start in an hour. Jungkook’s putting his coat back on and you walk towards him to help.

“Was it good?” You ask, fixing the creases and aligning his necktie.

“Yeah,” he hums, not meeting your eyes again. “You were right, I needed that. And the couch really is comfortable.”

“That’s good. You should listen to your assistant more often,” you tease. 

“I really should,” he smiles now, soft and reserved. “But I do feel better. Thank you.”

You exit his room and feel accomplished. You believe, like what others have told you, that showing him a bit of gentleness will prompt him to be a little gentler to himself, too. He works too hard sometimes, and taking a break when he needs it is one thing, but of course, it’s not everything.

The rest of the week goes by fairly similarly. Jungkook always looks tired, and it makes you wonder if he’s able to sleep properly at night or if he just overexerts himself during his morning workouts. He’s quiet when you’re not discussing work matters, making you miss your casual conversations. And though he acknowledges your occasional teasing remark, he doesn’t tease back like he’s been doing recently. 

He has his moments of frustration but he’s mostly serious when you glance at him. He’s less engaging, too, and you suppose that’s what bothers you the most, as you realize that you enjoy talking with him, you enjoy getting to know him through your exchanges, allowing you a peek into his world that you know is reserved for very, very few people. 

You suppose that whatever he’s dealing with is something he wants to go through on his own. Accepting your fears is one thing; accepting that you exposed all those to someone else is another. It’s why you try, in your own ways, to lift his spirits, wanting to let him know that he has nothing to be ashamed of when it comes to you. 

You get him lunch from his favorite restaurants everyday, you add sweets to his servings of coffee or chocolate milk, you smile at him more, encourage him frequently, and during the times when he seems distant, you don’t completely move away. You reach out just a little bit, hoping that he’ll know that you’re around even when he doesn’t feel much like himself. You don’t want to match his detachment with your own.

It seems that you got your point across. On Friday, he dismisses you after he insists that he wants to stay back to work on a few things.

“___,” he calls out as you’re about to exit his room. “Thank you for being patient with me this week. I… I needed that.”

You turn around and Jungkook doesn’t shy away from meeting your eyes this time. He’s noticed you try to hold his gaze all week; you always lingered, too. Maybe it’s your way of comforting him or saying that you understand him. He felt both of those but he couldn’t find it in him to acknowledge them. There was a lot on his mind as he dealt with the frustration and shame of what happened, of how exposed and unguarded he was in front of you.

But you didn’t complain; you didn’t push him to engage or share anything. Even his moments of frustration were met with kindness and his silence was received with assurance. You tried to cheer him up in whatever way you could, and he could feel you just giving him time to be on his own. 

He hopes he didn’t push you away. There were so many times when he just wanted you around so he could see more of your smile and hear the calmness of your voice; those always made him feel better. Whatever fears he had about how you would think of him after the incident have dissipated, as you look softly at him in understanding. He doesn’t need to say anything more, as you seem to know exactly what he means because this whole time, you seemed to also know exactly what he needed.

“I hope you’re feeling better, Jungkook,” you smile. “I’ll see you on Monday.”

Jungkook returns to his usual self the week after. He says he went to one of their properties in Gwangju over the weekend where the weather was good and the long drive helped him stay focused and rejuvenated. He doesn’t say much of what he’s feeling and you expect that, but you’re glad his little trip gave him some peace somehow. 

You, on the other hand, were left to deal with your growing feelings for him while downplaying them to your best friends. They came over for their regular visit on Saturday and while they were sympathetic with Jungkook over what happened, they still reminded you to be cautious. Once you cross a line, there’s no going back, and once you fully admit to what you feel, you can’t unfeel it; not acting on it becomes too hard and in your case, complicated.

The week is like any other but with much anticipation, given the upcoming annual team building that everyone’s excited about. This is one of the things that the support team was worried wouldn’t happen under Jungkook’s leadership, but you assured them early on that it was mandatory. And with him having loosened up and feeling more comfortable around them, you have high hopes that he’ll enjoy it as much as everyone will. 

It’s why on that Saturday, you find yourself in the mall to buy the things that you’ll be needing for those three days that you’ll be spending in one of the Jeon properties in Gangwon. The venue changes every year and the villas by the lake are perfect for spring this time. Your shopping list includes all the materials for the activities and some other things Jungkook requested, like a certain book that he doesn’t have time to buy.

You enter a bookstore and as you try to find what you’re looking for, something else catches your eye. You may love the library for the space more than the books, but there will always be those that pull you in and make you curious. Even if you only read picture books when you were younger, there were a few short stories and poems that piqued your interest. You never finished them but you did manage to get through several pages.

The one right in front of you - with its pastel colored cover and simple yet intriguing design - feels like one of those. To your delight, it’s a short story collection, and your smile is immediate as you go through the pages, with each story being accompanied by illustrations that feel so personal. This would be a nice read while you’re lounging at the villa’s deck or even on your balcony, you think.

Another book catches your attention. The title is familiar, and you realize it’s one of the classics that you were required to read in high school. It has a new cover, and you see that it’s a new edition to celebrate its 30th year. You go through the pages as well, thinking back to when you had to force yourself to finish this some 15 years ago. It looks more fresh now, and definitely more enticing.

“Did you find what you’re looking for?”

You look up to find a tall man with deep-set eyes as the owner of the voice who’d interrupted your moment of book appreciation. 

“I’m okay,” you dismiss him. “I don’t need assistance.”

You politely smile then return the books in their respective spots, ready to head out and search for what you came here to buy. 

“Are you not going to get those?” The man presses. “You seemed to be interested in them and—”

“Were you watching me?” You ask, taken aback.

“Uh, no. I mean, not in the way you think,” he answers in panic, seemingly nervous at how it looks. “I wasn’t being creepy or anything I just… I…”

“Do you even work here?” You interrogate him, your alarm bells ringing at this man’s odd behavior and the absence of a nameplate that the other staff have on.

“I actually work for the company that published those books,” he says, his head down as if in embarrassment. “And we just put those out this week and I’m checking around to see people’s reaction and I realize now that it’s incredibly foolish of me to stand around and observe customers because it’s not only creepy, it’s also terribly disrespectful. I’m so sorry.”

There’s guilt in his eyes and it’s something you can recognize. You decide he’s being sincere and engage him a little.

“So… you work at Rkive Publishing?” You ask as you glance at the books. “As what?”

“I’m an editor, actually,” he answers, revealing his shy smile and dimples. “I’ve spent months on these books and thought, what better way to know people’s impression than to see them for myself? It seemed better in my head. I guess I wasn’t being subtle.”

“No, not really. I was kinda having a moment but then you popped out of nowhere,” you say, laughing to ease the tension. “But uh, the covers are stunning. I liked the personal touch of the short story collection and this classic looks a lot more interesting than I remember.”

“That’s uh, that’s good,” he grins, mostly to himself. “Our production team did really well in putting them together and to see the final products is incredibly satisfying, even more so when customers feel the same.”

“I don’t really read books but these just caught my eye. It’s a good way to pull people in,” you admit. 

“That’s nice to know,” he smiles again. “I feel pretty fulfilled just knowing they got your attention. Even if you won’t buy them.”

He doesn��t seem like he’s guilt-tripping you but he still apologizes for how it sounds. 

“I just… feel really strongly about how these pieces connect with people, even if it’s fleeting,” the man continues. “I just got over excited but thank you for not shunning me away.”

“I don’t think connections are fleeting, though,” you remark, surprising him and even yourself. “Even if it’s a thought or a memory or an impression… they stay with you in one way or another. I mean, every time I enter a bookstore, I’ll probably think about those covers and remember these books and maybe the excitement I felt. That’s still something, isn’t it?”

There’s appreciation in the man’s eyes as he takes in your words. 

You may not be a book nerd nor an artsy person but you’ve been more introspective lately about the things around you. You don’t know if it’s the desperation to relate with anything and everything but if there’s one thing that working on the Arts Center has pushed you to do, it’s that pursuit of connection - with your surroundings, with people, and with yourself. You suppose that’s where all this is coming from, and the stranger in front of you whom you’re somehow connecting with right now understands that. 

“It is something,” he flashes a smile again, the joy in it radiating and softening his very manly features. “That’s very reassuring, thank you.”

He steps aside and nods, perhaps giving you the space that he thinks he invaded, which in hindsight, you’re glad he did.

You bow in acknowledgment and head towards another aisle to look for that leadership book that Jungkook asked you to get. You immediately find it then make your way home, all the while thinking about your earlier encounter and how the briefest conversations can make you reflect about things and as you learn, lead you down a path you didn’t expect.

To appease your curiosity, you research about Rkive Publishing and learn that it’s a ten-year old company that works with up-and-coming local authors. It has also taken on special projects such as publishing classics for their milestone releases and some translated works. The man you met, who happens to be the editorial director, is a poet as well but apparently finds as much happiness in putting pieces out for people to enjoy as he does in writing them himself. He doesn’t seem that much older than you but he’s seen the world and in the eyes of an artist, you can’t imagine how beautiful and heartbreaking that must be.

You go down a rabbit hole of reading some of his poems and even some interviews he’d done when he set up the company years ago. You learn that he loves to write about the complexity of relationships, the fragility of human emotions, and the search for permanence in an impermanent world. 

His words are captivating. You want to pick apart his brain to know more about what he thinks about humans’ need for connection despite our fear of them. You want to know what makes love the way it is, why it creates and sustains and ruins those who feel and have them. You want to know if he thinks that each person is capable of love, if that’s what makes us human, or if our humanness derives from the inadequacy of love - of what we give and what we receive. 

You read a bit more about the books they’ve published and the authors they’ve worked with over the years. It’s midnight by the time you finish, and other than deciding that you’ll go back tomorrow to buy that short story book collection, one other thing fills your mind - the thought that there’s a reason for that encounter earlier, and it’s probably to lead you to finding this company and the production officer position that happens to be currently vacant. 

The soft eyes that greet you from across the table where the books are placed is a welcome sight this time. The man from yesterday flashes you a shy smile and you greet him with your own.

“I didn’t expect to see you so soon but I’m glad that you’re here,” he says as he approaches you.

You raise the book you intend to buy. “Connections aren’t fleeting,” you remind him. “I couldn’t really stop thinking about this since yesterday. And uh, curiosity got to me and I looked up Rkive Publishing. You’re doing great work. I read that you’re working on translations of several books, too.”

His eyes light up as he talks about wanting to attract a wider audience, given the increasing interest in Korean culture. The story of your people appeals to many because it’s shared, and he says that’s one beauty of art in whatever form - the meanings are endless, and they weave together to form something enduring and constant. That’s what he and his mother hoped for the company when they founded it a decade ago, he narrates, and he has the tough task of creating that avenue for such art to affect more people without diluting its meaning.

“I’m sorry, I’m rambling again,” he shakes his head. “I just get so… yeah. I’ve just never met a buyer who actually searched us up after seeing our books on the shelf. I’m trying to engage more people. Our sales team said that’s one way to establish our presence.”

“You don’t have to apologize,” you assure him. “I may not be as passionate about anything as you but I understand feeling strongly about something. And if I’m being honest… there’s another thing that caught my eye about your company.”

“What is it?”

“You have an opening for the production officer position. I… I was impressed and looked up career options.”

“Ah, so you’re interested then?” He asks excitedly. 

“I am. Although I don’t have any experience in publishing or anything related to books or literature for that matter.”

“Relevant experience is the qualification,” he hums. “I’d ask more but I can do so during the interview. What do you say?”

“That’s if I’ll make the shortlist,” you laugh. “Although I suppose my executive assistant experience is relevant enough.”

“Oh, it definitely is. That is no easy task.”

“Well, I hope meeting you like this won’t make any future application inappropriate,” you say. 

“Not at all. That position has been vacant for a while. And we’re looking for two. It’s not always the role that those in the industry go for. I suppose it’s made for those looking for a career change,” he playfully winks. “But seriously though, think of this encounter as part of the process. You’ve done your research about us anyway, which kind of means you’re already a step ahead. It’s only a matter of actually applying, which I hope you do.”

“It’s an option,” you hum. “This wasn’t something I initially considered but it’s amazing how certain moments shape our decisions, isn’t it? I mean, they’re not really fleeting.”

“Of course,” he nods, thinking back to your comment from yesterday. “It’s all about being open, so please think about it. I may not know anything about your credentials but talking with you has already given me insight into what you think about our work and the power of stories. And that’s very important to me.”

“I still have a lot going on but I’ll definitely keep you in mind. I hope the position is still open when the time comes.”

“If it’s meant to be then it will be,” he assures you. “I’m Namjoon, by the way.”

“I know,” you giggle, taking the business card that he hands out. “And I’m ___. I’ll see you around.”

His smile is the last thing you see before you head out the store with your purchased book in hand. And as you lay in bed that night, the possibilities of taking on a new journey play in your mind. 

There’s the connection to the good memories of your childhood and the unloading of the burdens you carry. There’s being around people you’re not tied or indebted to and there’s forging your own way towards a path that you deliberately chose.

But there’s also Jungkook, whom you can’t stop thinking about and who happens to be a hindrance when it comes to pursuing your own goals in life. Those goals include happiness and freedom even if ironically, those are the things he also gives you. There’s the new emotions he makes you feel, the connection you can’t deny you have with him, and the desire that constantly eats you up inside. 

You’ve always had your feet inside your walls with your hand on the door, just waiting for the courage to finally step out. The only thing stopping you is Jungkook and all the other possibilities with him. They may remain unrealized but they’re there. You just hope that one day you’ll convince yourself that walking away from him was exactly the thing you had to do.

You watch in awe as Yohan loads the last crate of food in the rented van you’ll be using for this weekend’s team building in some lakeside property in Gangwon. The trunk is filled with all sorts of meat and vegetables, chips, and alcohol that seem to be good for a tribe of more than 10, way more than your team of seven.

“You do know we’re only there for three days, right?” You remind the younger man. “I don’t think we eat this much.”

“Don’t you know Do-hyun?” Yohan says. “She’s half my size but she eats twice as much as I do. And I eat a lot. Plus, the guy she was seeing ghosted her so she’s probably gonna eat even more. Heartbreak shit, you know?”

“I don’t,” you chuckle, although you can’t help but feel bad again for Do-hyun whom you had to comfort not long ago because of her boy problems. “But are you sure these are all within budget?”

“Yes. Chin-sun is a master at bargaining. And, because we’re such a good team, Mr. Min and Mr. Jung gave us some of their favorite liquor,” Yohan hums satisfyingly. “Those smell expensive. So yeah, we didn’t have to spend much on alcohol since Mr. Jeon brought some, too, which is why we got to buy all this food.”

“Fine, but we can’t have drunken shenanigans, okay? I don’t have the energy to babysit you guys. And Mr. Jeon is no weakling; he’ll be awake to see you misbehave if you do.”

“We’ll go as far as incredibly out-of-tune karaoke singing, we promise,” Yohan laughs, learning his lesson after last year’s midnight swim in the freezing cold river where he almost got swept away. 

Hoseok was thankfully passed out and did not witness the almost-emergency. You had to remind your team that though you’ll be going on a team-building - which is really just an excuse for the staff to eat and drink in some scenic venue - there are still rules in place, and it would be best not to give Jungkook any problem, given the progress that you’ve all made.

You enter the car then leave the office - your meet up place - to take the long drive to your destination. You just got the message from Mr. Ri that they’re almost there; they left much earlier so that Jungkook could make it to a virtual meeting with Hoseok and his father. 

The ride starts off peaceful, as everyone is still slowly waking up. Halfway through, it becomes chaotic, with Do-hyun and Yohan arguing about who’ll be on cleaning duties on which days as the youngest ones on the team. You laugh along, knowing you’ll end up helping them anyway, but you look out the window and wonder how Jungkook is doing.

He’s been incredibly busy leading to today, with several site visits to the Arts Center and meetings with the project teams multiple times the past two weeks. He’s been staying late in the office, too, and working on the weekends. You know, because you get the odd-hour emails and find portfolios on your desk in the morning. Despite the work that he still has to squeeze in during this weekend, you hope he gets a bit of rest. More than that, you hope he finds time to be with the team and bond with them. Only you know this may be your last, and you want to keep the memories of these three days and make sure they’re good ones.

You arrive at the place and look around, amazed at every corner and every space you set your eyes on. You know that the Jeon family has dozens of properties in scenic locations that they escape to or put out for rent. This lakeside estate is one of a few you haven’t been to yet, and there’s a reason why Jungkook wanted this to be your venue this year. It’s spacious with lots of things to do and the view is absolutely stunning. Lush mountains frame the sparkling body of water, and with the breeze of spring, it’s every bit relaxing as you hoped. 

It’s quiet as the rest of the team walks around in awe. The main house boasts of a large kitchen and living space and it’s surrounded by four two-bedroom villas with their own decks. You, Chin-sun, and Do-hyun head to one while Yohan and Manager Lee head to another. You give yourselves half an hour to fix up before reconvening and when you do, you immediately smile upon seeing Jungkook already waiting. 

He greets the team, formally welcomes you all, then talks about the property and all its amenities. He discusses what’s in store for these next three days, then he proceeds with the first activity, which is really the only work-related thing you’re all required to do. 

Jungkook facilitates the session, and he starts by asking everyone to reflect on all the gains and challenges this past year. He instructs each of you to share your team highs and lows, what enabled you to achieve the successes and overcome the difficulties, what caused you the most stress, and what you’re most thankful for. Every answer is met with confirming nods and statements, and it seems that everyone is on the same page about how the year went. 

The session highlights your team dynamics - you’re all very encouraging of each other, but it doesn’t stop the young ones from bickering and teasing the rest of you. It’s fun though, as you end the hour with laughter and more memories to take with you. You glance at Jungkook who seems satisfied with every response; you hope he’s proud of how he managed everything, too, and you make sure you mention it during your turn. The smile he makes when everyone agrees warms your heart in a way you don’t expect, even more so when he holds your gaze when he thanks the team in return.

You’re rewarded with a hearty lunch an hour later, and not long after, you find yourselves near the deck of the lake, discussing how to spend your two hours of free time before the next activity.

Chin-sun and Manager Lee decide on just laying on the lounge chairs to soak up the sun. Yohan gets on a jet-ski while Do-hyun flounders about in the lake. Sipping your beer, you lean on one of the tables and savor the fresh air. 

There’s not much of this in the city, and the silence - save for the young ones’ laughter in the background - is definitely worth the long ride and the backlog you’ll be having once the weekend is over. You’re not really one to stay outdoors. You’d much rather stay inside, under the covers where you could watch movies or variety shows. That was always how you preserved your peace. Being outside always intimidated you, and you think now it’s probably because you just haven’t seen that many beautiful views like this in your life. If this is what’s outside your window everyday, you’d probably be out all the time. 

“___, are you just gonna stay there? The water’s amazing,” Do-hyun whines as she approaches you. “Or sunbathe if you don’t want to get wet. Just get out there.”

“I’m content just watching you enjoy yourselves,” you say. “I can see the view just fine from here.”

“It’s much better up close,” she counters, standing next to you now. “Come on, this is your time to let loose since you have the permission to do so. Mr. Jeon isn’t gonna be a killjoy and watch your every move, you know? If he will, then I will…”

“You will what?” You laugh.

“I will tell him he’s being a killjoy. How often can we be in a place as beautiful as this?”

“Do-hyun’s right,” Jungkook says as he appears to your left, catching both of you off guard and prompting Do-hyun to sweetly smile at him. He’s in shorts and a loose long-sleeve shirt, perhaps ready to enjoy the outdoors as well. “The place is too beautiful for you to just sit back and watch.”

“And what will you do?” You raise an eyebrow at him.

“Sit back and watch,” he shrugs, earning him a laugh from you and Do-hyun. “And enjoy my beer. That’s how I relax.”

“Please don’t be boring,” Do-hyun pouts at him, embracing that little sister energy that you’ve all come to love. “You should know, Mr. Jeon, Yohan is being all cocky, saying that he’s the best jet ski rider among all of us here. I have a feeling that he’s wrong, so please show him who’s boss. I mean, you are, obviously. But, you know what I mean.”

“I think I do,” Jungkook chuckles, putting down his drink and looking out into the lake. “But sure. I haven’t ridden one in a while but let’s see how I go.”

Jungkook walks towards the water then unknots the other jet ski. He removes his shirt and wears the life vest before riding towards where Yohan is. The view of him half-naked triggers memories of all the times you’ve seen him like that, times when you’d look away and keep yourself from thinking inappropriate thoughts. It’s no different this time, but somehow, it’s much harder to keep your heart from racing this fast.

“Holy fuck,” Do-hyun gasps next to you. “Please don’t report me but shit, ___. Whoever’s doing Mr. Jeon is one lucky woman. I mean, look at that. And who knew he had a full sleeve of tattoo? That is so freaking hot.”

From your periphery, you could see her shocked face but you merely hum in response. You don’t want to get carried away by your own expletives because there really aren’t enough curses in the dictionary when it comes to describing Jungkook’s body. 

“You don’t seem surprised,” she looks at you curiously. “And you’re not affected. You’ve seen it before, haven’t you?”

“Of course I have. I’m with him everyday,” you say nonchalantly. 

“In clothes, I would assume.”

“He works out every morning and he’s in sleeveless tops sometimes,” you clarify. “Obviously I’ve seen his arm.”

She furrows her brows as if she doesn’t believe you, even if you’re telling the truth. There are just other parts of that story that you don’t want to share.

“Hmm, fair enough,” she gives in. “But I’d probably be constantly flustered or even crushing on him if I were you. So how have you managed being around him and not being attracted all this time knowing he looks like that?”

You’re forced to look at Do-hyun, as you try to find the words to say, when she answers her own question.

“Right, he can be quite detached and too serious and he’s a playboy and—”

“You also forget that I am his assistant and he is my boss,” you remind her. “Thoughts like that—”

“Are perfectly normal,” she interjects. “And totally understandable. He’s a hot bachelor, ____. I wouldn’t be able to function professionally if I were in your shoes. Which is why it’s great that I’m here and you’re the one in that position.”

“And why is that?”

“Because I might lose this job if I lose my shit every time because my boss is so hot,” she reasons. “And it’s not just me. I’ve seen the female staff lose their cool around him just because he spoke to them or looked their way. It’s kind of embarrassing. But I guess the broody, asshole-y vibes add to that. And then there’s you who’s in his apartment every morning and heavens know what you’ve seen or heard since we all know that the rumors about his dating life are true and you seem fine and totally unbothered.”

You want to laugh at how completely off Do-hyun is with her observations. Sure, you tried to be cool about it at the beginning and you mostly succeeded in being calm whenever you came close or saw any part of his body exposed. 

But somewhere along the way, things changed. When you saw the layers underneath, he wasn’t just attractive physically; he was suddenly so much more. That somehow made it harder but it also made all the restraint worth it. But that’s not something you want to divulge to Do-hyun. No matter how difficult, you know you need to keep yourself together and stop the feelings from going any deeper. 

“Well, just like you, I can’t lose my job and I will if I let it affect me,” you say. “But if I may say so… there’s definitely more to the broody, serious man we met almost a year ago.”

“Hmm, I guess that’s true. He’s definitely more thoughtful than I expected. Maybe a little funny, too. But that’s really all I know. He just seems too reserved, you know? Seeing him do something like ride a jet ski or laugh with us feels like such a luxury for a man like him,” Do-hyun adds. “It must be hard to get to know him beyond all this. I know it sure is hard to love someone like that.”

You know that Do-hyun’s merely projecting. The recent guy she was seeing was a lot more shy and private than the ones she’s dated before. But she got him to open up and she thought that was it, that she’d broken through his walls and they’d be permanently down for her, only to realize it wasn’t the case. He was distant for a few days and she tried to get through again only for him to completely shut her out; she hasn’t heard from him in weeks. 

It’s probably why you agree. People who keep their distance and disengage whenever they want are hard to love. You’d know because you’re like that. It hits you hard knowing that Jungkook is probably the same. 

Snapping out of your thoughts, you and Do-hyun watch Jungkook and Yohan outride one another, splashing each other with water and screaming in excitement when they speed up. Seeing this other side of Jungkook does something to you again, and the sight of his smile as he dries his hair while teasing Yohan triggers the butterflies in your belly. 

He approaches you - thankfully with his shirt on this time - and you suddenly feel too hot. He tells you that the water’s nice and you should get in, but you’re too self-conscious now, so you compromise and say you’ll just dip your feet in the water while you sit on the steps that lead down to the lake. 

That’s how you spend the rest of the hour, as Chin-sun, Manager Lee, and Do-hyun join Yohan in swimming while Jungkook stays back, watching you all from afar. You glance at him a few times and he catches your eyes. He lifts his can in cheers and you do the same. He heads to where you are some time after with five cans of beer then walks back to his room, and you suddenly miss his presence. You wish he was next to you, perhaps laughing or talking about something random or just sitting with you in silence. You’ve learned that last bit brings you a lot of comfort and peace; the view somehow isn’t as beautiful when you aren’t sharing it with him. 

It’s an hour later, after having dried and fixed up, when you’re all on the basketball court to start the next activity that Mr. Ri prepared. Divided into teams of two, each pair is assigned a path that leads to either the mountain, the woods, or the stream to find bags of coins needed to “purchase” materials to create a science experiment-type water rocket. It’s meant to practice your communication and problem-solving skills with those you work most closely with, which is why Chin-sun and Do-hyun, and Manager Lee and Yohan are paired up respectively while you, of course, end up with Jungkook. 

“The caretakers and I spent all morning preparing this game, so please take it seriously,” Mr Ri says. “And bond with each other while you’re at it.”

You see the competitiveness in the young ones’ eyes, especially when it’s announced that there’s a prize for the winners, and you like the energy. Being Jungkook’s partner, you know it’s just about completing the task and somehow, it’s the bonding bit that makes you nervous. You already know you’re going to like it, which is precisely why it terrifies you. 

“There are ATVs for each team which you will ride to the start of the path. You’ll have to go by foot when you get there or else you’ll miss the bags of coins,” Mr. Ri instructs. “You have walkie-talkies to reach me in case you get lost but please don’t. And try to be back here in an hour. All clear?”

You all express your acknowledgement and he signals the start. The other teams rush to their rides and quickly drive off while you and Jungkook stroll to yours. 

He takes the helmet and puts it on you, and he laughs again like he did at the Arts Center months ago before riding the vehicle. 

“I should’ve expected that,” you pout. 

“Which?”

“That you’ll laugh at me again.”

“It looks cute on you,” he says casually before riding the vehicle.

Your eyes widen at his words and you’re glad he has his back turned on you. That way he can’t see the way you’re trying to hold your smile and suppress the giddy feeling at his remark. It makes it that much harder for you to climb up behind him though, but you manage, and you ensure there’s some distance between you and him, knowing how you tend to be when you get close. 

Jungkook, on the other hand, internally smacks himself after he says the words. He didn’t mean for the thoughts in his head to actually come out. He’s glad he didn’t see your probably awkward expression, and that right now, he needs to focus on the road. That way, he can preoccupy himself with your safety and not his embarrassment. 

He means it though. There’s something about you in a helmet that gets him, or even in anything oversized, like his jacket that he made you wear once. There’s also something about you wading in the water and laughing so freely that make his insides melt. Anything you do actually triggers something in him - a protective side, a care-free side; a side that wants to take a pause and bask in the scenery that includes you. 

Now he has to act like he’s not affected with you sitting behind him as he drives the ATV down the rugged path. He feels you far from him, sitting close to the edge and holding onto the handles behind you. But as the road gets rockier, he starts to get worried. 

“You should hold onto me,” he says, turning his head to the side so you could hear him before slowing down. “It’s safer that way.”

It takes a few seconds but he feels you move closer to him, your arms slowly wrapping around his torso. It’s a bit loose but it’s enough for his breathing to quicken.

“Is… is this okay?” You softly ask.

“Yeah,” he manages to say. “It’s a bit rocky out here so be careful. You can, uh, you can hold on tighter if you feel unstable.”

You hum in response but you maintain your position. He supposes you don’t know how bumpy it could be. It makes him worry and he wishes you’d grab onto him more only because he’s afraid you’d fall, and that’s exactly what happens after the first big bump. 

You yelp, tightening your grip around him immediately. He feels his heart stop, unprepared to have your arms around his waist and your chest flushed against his back even if that’s what he’d suggested you do. He’s felt you close in several instances already, but each time feels different. It affects him the same way though - all he wants is to have you even closer.

But that’s not something he can think of right now, especially when you’re both alone, in a place that’s conducive to letting his inhibitions go. 

It’s calm and peaceful out here. There’s a lot of open space but he enjoys it more when he’s looking at it from the comforts of the balcony or the deck. He always prefers to stay indoors because the outdoors somehow make him feel more constricted; he supposes that being trapped in the woods as a child would do that to anyone. He’s always just been a spectator, watching everything from behind the safety of his walls, knowing that he could feel a bit unsteady out there.

But ever since you got here and he’d seen you enjoy the surroundings, all he’s felt was the stability of having you near him. That, ironically, scares him, too. The more he’s comfortable with you, the more worried he becomes. So he settles on what he knows how to do - keeping you at a fair distance but creating moments here and there, only so you don’t think he’s pushing you away or detaching himself. 

You decide to just hold onto Jungkook for safety purposes. You didn’t realize that the path towards the stream is this rocky, but you suppose it should be since you’re in the undeveloped part of the property. It's probably why he asked you to hold onto him; he’s your safety precaution and you know enough that he wouldn’t want anything bad to happen to you.

He’s steady and skilled in navigating the ATV, avoiding the big bumps and alerting you when there’s going to be one. It’s actually quite attractive. He feels so nice like this, with his soft hoodie and natural scent, and you have to pull away every once in a while so as not to get too comfortable. You can’t let yourself imagine this to be a possibility beyond today, you remind yourself. He can’t be someone you constantly seek, that you could fall into, even if that’s pretty much where you’re at at this point. 

You reach the end of the road and Jungkook lets you get down first, instructing you to hold his arm for support, before following right after. You walk towards the mark that signifies the start of the path where you’re supposed to find the bags of coins, and you look around to see that there are more shrubs than trees. It feels a little less constricting compared to if you were in the mountains or the woods, which is why you think Mr. Ri assigned this to both of you.

You and Jungkook start searching, and with the topography of the place, it’s easy to spot the bags that are hanging from the tree branches. You point one out and Jungkook steps on the hollowed out trunk to retrieve it. You stand by watching, reminding him to be careful. And though you tell yourself to focus on the bag, you can’t help but glance at the sight of him - in his light gray sweatpants and hooded sweatshirt, looking casual and comfortable and even more attractive. 

It doesn’t help when he reaches out towards the branch while you stay on a spot below him, and the view of him from this angle leaves you quite breathless. Not only does his hoodie rise up to reveal his waist and that lower half of his torso that you’d held onto earlier, but you also get a peek of the band of his underwear, too. Your mind short-circuits for the briefest moment, even more when he stretches even more to pull the bag towards him, and you’re able to snap out of it in time, as you watch him slowly make his way down.

“Watch your step, watch your step!” You call out.

He easily descends, and with his smug face, he lifts the bag for you to see. 

“Do you not have faith in my tree-climbing capabilities?” he asks you.   

“It’s just not something I’ve seen you do before,” you shrug, acting nonchalantly as you return to walking down the path.

“So, were you worried?”

“Uhm, yes? I can’t have an injured Vice President on my watch,” you exclaim, earning you a laugh. “How am I gonna transport you out of this dirt road and back to the house? I can barely keep still as a passenger on the ATV.”

“Well, I could get hurt but I definitely won’t be immobile,” he points out. “I won’t be a hard person to help.”

“Right… I’m the one who gets injured and then can’t walk.”

He frowns at you at the reminder, and you counter that it’s okay for you to make fun of your injury but that he’s right, he probably won’t be as injured as you. You wave him off, hoping that you don’t have to deal with an incapacitated version of him during this game. You also won’t be able to handle worrying about him without giving too much away. 

You return your focus on finding the other bags. There are those hidden behind rocks and in shallow holes; you know because of the shovel next to them. There’s another one tied around the trunk of the tree, and you have to hold your breath again when Jungkook climbs up to get it.

As expected, you have good teamwork. You section off areas to search at and quickly find what you’re looking for. You go for the ones you can get and then ask him to reach for the ones you can’t. There’s some bickering in between, with him pretending that he’s stuck or caught on something while you panic and then pout at him for scaring you. But there are some moments of silence, too, where you walk side by side and bask in the scent of your surroundings. Either way, it’s time that you enjoy just being around him, taking in the environment that you often stayed away from. With him, it’s a lot less scary and definitely more freeing.

When you’re down to your last one, you and Jungkook think that Mr. Ri would hide it somewhere near the end of the path, so you both decide to just take in your surroundings as you stroll towards the stream.  

“So, nature smells like this, huh?” you hum. “It’s quite comforting.”

“It is,” he says. “I forget sometimes. It’s nice to remember.”

“Don’t you spend a lot of time outdoors?” You wonder. “You’ve mentioned driving out to some of your properties with views like this. I’d assume you stay out and enjoy the scenery.”

“I do enjoy the scenery… just from inside,” he chuckles, knowing the irony of his words. “It’s just more comfortable that way, I guess. So I appreciate being forced to go outside this weekend.”

“At least you’re not alone, right?”

“That’s true.”

“I’m the same,” you say. “I don’t go out much. I mean, I’m often on my own so I just stay indoors but I do enjoy the scenery when I’m with others. It feels too lonely when you’re by yourself. To be something so small in a world so big… It's kind of scary.”

“Well, I’m here with you. There’s nothing to be afraid of.”

You don’t think Jungkook will ever know the weight of his words and just how wrong he is. To be in a place so beautiful with him next to you… it’s everything you’re scared of. You’ve come to appreciate a lot of things because of him. You’ve come to want more when you shouldn’t because of him. You always find yourself in a state of push-and-pull with your emotions when it comes to him, knowing that he’s someone you can’t have. He’ll always be out of reach no matter how close he is. He’ll always hinder you from the kind of life you want to have even if that includes him. 

The logical part of you wants to keep your distance, to not create any more memories that will haunt you and that you’ll miss. But the stubborn part of you wants you to hold onto this to remind you that beautiful things are tangible and he’s the one thing you can see and hear; maybe he’s something you can touch, too. 

The latter one wins, so you slow your pace, take in the sight before you, and decide that this is a memory you’ll want to keep. You take the disposable camera from your pouch, something you bought the other week specifically for this trip, knowing it might be your last. You take a photo of the sky, then of the path ahead of you, then of the stream, making sure there’s a bit of him in there - a mop of hair, a portion of his arm, his shadow. 

It’s then that you see the last bright red bag on one of the big rocks near the water’s edge. 

“Oh, there it is,” you say, immediately walking towards it. 

You look around and strategize how you’ll get to the rock safely but Jungkook insists that he’ll be the one to get it.

“You’ve gotten all the tricky ones,” you argue, given that he’d climbed the tree and crawled under the shrub because your leggings were too thin and wouldn’t be able to protect you from the thorny branches. “I can get this.”

“It might be slippery.”

“I have good balance,” you lie.

“Uh, I clearly remember that you don’t.”

“Hey,” you pout at him, knowing he’s referring to that time you tripped on yourself during one of your Arts Center visits. “It was the heels. That’s clearly not a problem this time.”

You step on the wet stones and balance your way as they lead towards the big rock, with Jungkook repeatedly telling you to be careful. His voice just gets louder and louder, but you turn around and see that he’s actually just following you. It’s your mistake, as your loss of focus causes you to  slip on one of the rocks and almost lose your balance. Fortunately, it doesn’t make you fall on your ass. Your foot merely slides to the side, barely missing the water, which is really fine, but Jungkook doesn’t think so.

“Don’t move until you’re stable,” he instructs, holding out his hand for you to take, prompting you to look at him questioningly. “That’s the foot you injured. You can’t risk spraining it again. Just take my hand or hold my wrist so you can safely get the bag.”

You do as he says, grabbing his forearm so you can stabilize yourself. You let him go once you do, then you turn and take a few small steps to get what you need. He stays close to you though, and once you retrieve the bag, you turn towards him with a proud smile and announce that half of your task has been completed. 

“You’re incredibly stubborn, you know that?” He says instead, his firm voice a contrast to his playful frown.

“And you are quite the nagger,” you hit back. “I wouldn’t have slipped if I hadn’t turned and I wouldn’t have done that if you weren’t so noisy.”

“Sure, it’s my fault. Sorry for caring about your safety,” he shakes his head. 

“Well, you were underestimating me,” you frown now. “I could’ve done all this without your help.”

“Really?” He challenges.

“Yes,” you stand your ground. “Although I would still need your help to get back to land.”

It’s what makes him laugh, and the way his eyes light up and crinkle makes your heart race. He has such a sweet sound, and you wish you could hear more of it. 

“I figured. Let’s go, then.”

“Wait,” you stop him and check your watch. “We still have time. Can we stay for a bit? The water’s quite nice and the view of the mountains is prettier from here.”

Jungkook looks around. The mountain range from far away looks majestic from this angle, and with the sun about to set soon, the way the light shines on the water is just as beautiful. 

“Okay then,” he says, wanting to savor this as well. 

You just said you don’t go out much, and maybe like what he feels, being with him makes you want to take it all in; maybe it makes you feel less scared.

You both find dry rocks to sit at and it’s the perfect spot for you to take more photos, so you take out your camera and see which angles look best.

“Did you buy that for this trip?” he asks.

“Yeah. I knew the sights would be beautiful. I just wanted to keep something from here,” you explain.

“Give it to me then,” he says, reaching out his hand and gesturing towards your camera. “Let me take one of you so you’ll always remember.”

You hand it over to him then suddenly feel awkward at how you’re supposed to pose. You stay seated with your legs just slightly bent but are unsure of where you’re supposed to look. It feels a little too tense if you look at his direction, even if that’s what you should be doing.

“It’s free to smile, you know? That’s what people usually do for photos,” he says, causing you to giggle. He takes the photo right then, and you have an idea he caught your smile at the right time.

“Was that a trick?” You ask.

“Sort of. I knew you were gonna think of how bold it was of me to say that, considering that I barely even smile.”

“Wow, I can’t even tease you anymore because you already know what I’m gonna say.”

“I know sometimes you can’t help but just tease me like that. I know you too well,” he smugly says. “But I think I got a good photo. You’re welcome.”

You laugh at his playfulness, knowing it’s rare for him to show that side of him. So you ask for your camera back and decide you want him to be part of this particular memory. You hold it out and turn towards him.

“May I?” You ask.

“Uh, yeah, I guess,” he hums. “I just don’t know how to smile.”

You giggle again and you’re quick enough to catch the brief moment when he lets out a short laugh. 

You look at him softly, as if there’s more you want to say - that you’ll keep this close to you so you’ll remember what his smile looks like, that he’s something beautiful you can hear and see, that you  feel so safe out here with him, and that you hope he’ll remember this, too.

But you look away before any of the words make it out. 

You think to just quietly savor this, as you bask in the sounds of the cicadas and the flow of the water and the rustling of the leaves. You’re so small in this big world, but being with Jungkook makes things a little less scary. With him, you don’t feel so alone.

A bit more time passes before you both decide to head back. He reaches out his hand which you mindlessly take, your fingers instinctively wrapping around his palm. You’re too focused on your steps that you only realize you’re still holding him once you both safely make it to dry land. But it’s also at that moment when he lets go. Though a part of you wishes he’d drag the illusion a bit more, you’re also glad he didn’t; you would’ve probably held on longer if he didn’t pull away. 

The silence continues as you both walk back to the start of the path, but he stays near you, occasionally asking if you’re tired or cold. You make it to the ATV and you hold onto his waist again with no instructions needed this time. He drives a bit faster than earlier but you feel safe and steady, and there’s something natural about the way you’re clinging to him for support. Part of the illusion as well, you think, but that ends, too.

You’re the last one back to the villas but you and Jungkook quickly make up some ground in assembling the water rocket. It was mostly him, though, as he says that he tinkers around and easily figures these things out. Do-hyun and Chin-sun feel the pressure as you catch up, and they shriek as they slowly feel the win slipping away from them. But then Jungkook holds onto the last piece and lets them win instead. The way they celebrate after their rocket successfully launches makes it feel worth it; you don’t feel bad about it at all. If anything, you expected he’d let either of the other two teams finish first. 

After the winners are handed out hotel accommodation gift cards, Jungkook excuses himself to get a bit of work done while the rest of the team prepares for dinner. The team works on your assigned tasks of preparing the grill and slicing the vegetables, while you cook your famed fried rice after Do-hyun convinced you that it would heal her broken heart. Seated outside with the cool evening air, you all wait for Jungkook before starting.

“Mr. Jeon said he’ll just message me once he’s ready to eat,” Mr. Ri says as he takes his seat. “We can start without him.”

“But it’s not a team dinner without him,” Do-hyun whines. “He should take a break from working and spend time with us.”

“I’m sure he wants that, too,” you say. “Let’s just give him some time, maybe there’s something urgent he needs to do. Let’s just enjoy our meal and leave some food for him.”

Everyone dives in once the meat is cooked, and there’s a consensus that your fried rice is definitely worth all the hype. The laughter and teasing immediately start, and you wish Jungkook was here to enjoy it with you. You constantly glance at his villa, noting the dim lights, and you wonder what has him holed up inside this time, knowing he didn’t plan on working too much while he’s here. 

It’s one hour later when you decide that he’s gone too long without having dinner, so you take portions of everything and set them on a tray. 

“Wait, let me make him a drink. Hopefully that’ll convince him to come out,” Yohan says. 

Managing to carry everything, you head towards Jungkook’s villa, and when he opens the door after your constant bell-ringing, he looks at you in surprise. 

“The team’s been wondering when you were coming out,” you say. “You might be in there because of work, but I’m not fully convinced. Whatever it is, the food’s too delicious for you to not have a taste, so I brought you some.” 

You raise the tray that you placed on the small table outside and flash him a smile. He nods in acknowledgement and takes it from you but you don’t leave just yet. 

“I hope you’re not working anymore,” you say. 

“I only did for a while,” he replies. “I… got a bit tired.”

“I’ve seen you workout in the morning and work all day after only having three hours of sleep, Jungkook. You wouldn’t get tired from just a jet ski ride and some scavenger hunt,” you raise an eyebrow. 

He lets out a dry laugh before heading to the dining room. He leaves the door open so you follow him inside.

“I mean I’m socially tired. Isn’t that a thing?” 

“Gee, I didn’t think that spending time with me outdoors drained your energy so much,” you frown. 

Your playful pout tells him you’re teasing. He sure hopes it’s not what you really feel. It’s the opposite, in fact. He felt relieved of a lot of things during that hour that he walked around and breathed in the fresh air with you. And you both had moments - comforting glances, the shared silence… the fleeting touches that made him want more. You’re everything new and familiar and he wants to know how it’s like to have you close to him. 

He knows it’s a desire he can’t act on, not just because he’s your superior but also because he can’t imagine you feeling a fraction of what he feels. It’s tempting to mistake your kindness for something more, and he’d fall into it if only hoping didn’t lead to disappointment. But like what Yoongi had said before, it’s how you naturally are, even as someone who prefers to be alone. Whatever type of friendship you offer is all that it is - friendship. 

Jungkook clearly doesn’t deserve you. It’s not just because of the way he treated you at the beginning but because even until now, whenever he pulls away, you’re always the first one who reaches out. He’s scared that anything he does might push you away, and that’s the last thing he wants. He’ll keep you at a distance for as much as he can and for as long as you’re around. He can handle that, but losing you in any way has become his biggest fear. 

That’s why he needed to be on his own after your time together in such a casual and comfortable environment. It’s easy to want that with you and to think that he can have it. Pulling away has always been his default when dealing with things he can’t control, and earlier, he just couldn’t control his mind and his heart. 

But you’re here now, having knocked on his door like you always do, wondering if he’ll come out.

“I brought you dinner but I purposely gave you small servings so you’ll want more and leave your villa,” you explain. 

“Half a cup of your fried rice?” He scowls. “That’s a crime.”

“I know. And you’ll run out if you don’t go outside,” you warn. “Are you planning on just staying here? Do-hyun’s right. It’s not a team dinner without you there.”

“I… I was planning to go out a bit later. It’s a different setting and I’m a little anxious,” he admits.

He looks away and you feel for him. You were the same in the beginning, too. It’s one thing to share meals with people in a work environment but it’s another when it’s more casual, where people are less filtered and guarded. But you had to try, and after spending time getting to know your colleagues, things got easier.

The team has adjusted to Jungkook but you suppose Jungkook hasn’t fully adjusted to them. Perhaps he was planning on sneaking in much later in the evening or using work as an excuse. But this is part of his function, and like you promised him early on, you want to help him with this aspect of his role.

“I’ll help you loosen up a bit,” you suggest. “I can have dinner with you here first and then we can go out once you’re ready.”

“Sounds good,” he agrees, even if he’d decided earlier that he’d keep his distance. “You can get your food outside. I’m not sharing mine.”

You laugh at how seriously he says the words.

“I know,” you say. “And by the way, Yohan made you that drink.”

“How’d he know I like highball?”

“A little birdie told him,” you shrug, feigning innocence. 

You smile before walking out, with Jungkook reminding you to set aside some fried rice for him.

You take your plate and reason to the team that you and Jungkook will just discuss some work stuff and they buy it, saying they won't get drunk until you’re both back outside.

You return to the villa with your dish and a bottle of beer, immediately realizing that it’s new territory for you and Jungkook, too. Sure, you’ve spent some time together out of work, but not in a place and situation like this. 

But you want to be there for him. You like that he looks to you for energy and support. On days when he’s distant, you want moments like right now to remind you of the times he needed you, that he wanted you around, even if it’s for a different reason.

It takes half an hour for Jungkook to ease his nerves. In that time, you talk about random things, like his favorite hawker centers in Singapore and the variety shows you watch on which days. You both tease each other, then compete on who gets less affected. You tell him it’s good preparation for when the team, in their drunken states, does the same. You assure him, though, that they won’t go below the belt but he also assures you that he’s a big boy and can handle it. 

When he says he wants more fried rice, it becomes your cue to head outside. You’re thankful that other than Mr. Ri subtly smirking at you, no one else reacts uncomfortably. You and Jungkook just came from his villa alone, after all, but you suppose everyone’s too tired or too careful to say anything. 

“I hope no one’s eaten my share of the fried rice,” Jungkook says as he sits across from you. “I was really looking forward to it.”

“Here, all yours, Mr. Jeon,” Yohan says as he hands him a bowl. “If it isn’t enough, just know that Do-hyun took one last scoop before we set this aside.”

“Traitor,” Do-hyun scowls at the younger man. “I couldn’t help it. It’s so good, right?” She turns to Jungkook now. “___ gatekeeps this! She says she’s too busy to make it and I only got her to do it now because I’m heartbroken.”

Jungkook smiles internally. You’ve made this for him a few times and it’s heartwarming to think that you had your reasons for doing so, knowing now that it’s not something you easily share. 

“It’s way better than the one I make,” Jungkook says, glancing at you. “I can have this everyday.”

“You cook?!” Do-hyun basically yells. 

“Uh, yeah. I lived on my own for years. How do you think I survived?” Jungkook asks.

“Paying people to do things for you,” Do-hyun shrugs. 

It’s a line he’s heard you say before and neither of you are wrong. It’s normal to make that assumption and it’s also true. He had people to do pretty much everything for him when he was in Singapore. He has that option here in Seoul, too, but he’s found himself wanting less people in his space for long periods of time. You’re really the only one he doesn’t mind being around him.

The conversation shifts to what happened in the afternoon, and you all end up talking about each team’s scavenger hunt experience and the anticipation for the next day’s obstacle course and relay games. A few more shots and bottles of beer later, the vibe turns more serious, as Manager Lee’s question to Do-hyun about how she’s feeling turns into an emotional session where she asks what she’s supposed to do about the man she was seeing, wondering if it’s worth reaching out or just moving on from him.

Chin-sun shares a piece of her mind and so does Yohan. Manager Lee says that sometimes, people don’t know what they want and isolate themselves in response. The pieces of advice are a mix of being patient and forgetting about the man, and you choose to observe rather than give an opinion. It’s always easy to say something but things could be totally different once you’re the one experiencing it. You think Jungkook feels the same, as he stays quiet but listens earnestly.

“What do you think, Mr. Ri?” Do-hyun asks. “You’re the oldest one here and would probably have a lot to say.”

“I wish I did but I wouldn’t say I’ve made the best decisions when it comes to my love life,” Mr. Ri laughs. “I mean, I’ve only ever loved one woman but I let her go. And that was over 20 years ago; I haven’t loved anyone that way since. I don’t think I ever really stopped.”

You watch everyone’s faces turn from shocked to somber. Mr. Ri, having been CEO Jeon’s right-hand man for a long time, has a stable and commanding presence. Everyone knows him to be loyal and firm, yet there’s a warmth about him with how protective and dependable he is. They all know about his commitment to his job, but his faithfulness to one person is perhaps surprising; he was never one to show much emotion, after all. But then again, people make sacrifices in the name of love - sometimes they give everything up for it, sometimes it’s what they let go of.

“Twenty years is a long time,” Do-hyun sighs. “And you never stopped. Where does all that love go?”

“I have people I care about,” Mr. Ri answers. “It goes to them. Obviously it’s different but I learned that if I keep all that love to myself, it hurts even more. That’s how I learned to live with the decision I made. It’s how I learned to let her go.”

“That’s so sad,” Do-hyun sniffles. “Here I am, heartbroken about a guy I was dating for only a few months while you’ve been harboring these feelings for decades.”

“It’s not about the length of time you were together or apart,” Mr. Ri shakes his head. “When you give a part of yourself to someone, losing them always hurts. That part of you is gone because they took it with them and you can’t take it back. So your pain is valid. We all love and grieve and move forward differently,” he says. “It’s all terrifying but that’s the irony of life, I’ve learned. The thing we all want and can’t live without is the same thing that hurts us the most, whether we have it or not.”

There’s a beat of silence as everyone takes in the elder man’s words. They cut deep, as you know they come from a place of deep pain. You don’t want to ever go through something that hurts that much. 

“I’m too emotional,” Do-hyun sighs, not wanting to spend the rest of the evening crying and having everyone feel bad for her, so she shifts her attention to something else. “I want something juicy.” She briefly looks at Jungkook, who looks blankly at her, so she turns to you instead. “I don’t know much about your love life, ___.”

“Yes, because I don’t have one,” you chuckle, masking the nervousness you feel because talking about its inexistence in front of the man plaguing your mind was not something you planned for this trip. 

“But I know you did,” she insists. “I mean, why wouldn’t you?”

“I think what Do-hyun means is that you’re a highly capable, kind, and attractive woman,” Chin-sun chimes in. “Surely there have been prospects for a relationship, yes?”

“Like Mr. Min!” Yohan says now. “I always thought you two were cute together. Do-hyun and I would bet on it since she says you’re not the type to date co-workers.”

“And she’s right,” you say, glancing at Jungkook whose face you can’t read. “Yoongi and I are good friends. That’s all we ever were.”

“Well, I think he’s very nice and he’d treat you well,” Yohan sighs. “But I guess it might be weird to date someone you work with. I have friends I can match you with!”

“That’s not necessary,” you laugh. “I don’t think relationships are for everyone.”

“Why not?” Do-hyun asks.

You contemplate on whether or not you’re ready for this conversation, especially since it’s the type you usually just have with your best friends. You suppose it’s why your colleagues claim they don’t know much about you other than the way you work because you don’t really share much about your life, your dreams, or the things you wonder about. You’ve always preferred to keep things to yourself, always worried about how they will be received.

But everyone’s allowed themselves to be vulnerable tonight, and given the distance you’ve created between you and them all these years, you think the least you could do is be honest. It’s a team building thing anyway, and people bond over shared experiences during these times.

“I’ve… dated people but it was never serious,” you start. “I never really saw myself committing to them. Sure, I’d give my time and energy but nothing more. There’s so much courage in loving another person. I just don’t think I’ll ever be brave enough for that. I mean, it’s just hard to control. Once you start, you can’t stop; once you do it too much, you can’t pull back.”

“Sounds to me like you’re afraid that you won’t receive as much as you give,” Manager Lee states. “It’s how love is, though. It’s not always equal. But that’s the risk you take, that’s the trust you build. That even when what’s given isn’t the same, there’s still love there.”

“But isn’t that the scary part of it all?” You counter. “Like what Mr. Ri said, you give a part of yourself to someone when you love them but what if they don’t want that specific part of you? Or they did then one day they decide they don’t anymore? So they just retreat and leave you out in the open. They’re safe but you’re not, because you broke down your walls for them but they didn’t do the same.”

“That’s the thing about finding the right person, ___,” Manager Lee says, with all the wisdom of a man who’s loved and lost and loved again. “You either trust that they won’t do that, or you accept that they could and you’d still think that loving them is worth all the pain that losing them would cost. In the end, you get to decide. If you keep yourself from feeling it, how are you to know what’s worth it and what isn’t?”

You’ve heard versions of these words before, too. Soomin and Jimin, whose respective relationship ups and downs you’ve witnessed, have said themselves that committing yourself to someone takes a whole lot of faith in the person and in yourself. It’s because you’re giving them an opportunity to hurt you but you have to trust that they won’t. A lot of times, they do, so you then have to trust in your own ability to get over them. 

The thoughts swim in your head and with your silence, Chin-sun gives you an encouraging smile. She’s a few years older than you and has experienced a lot when it comes to relationships, and you can sense that she understands your hesitation and your fear.

“It’s scary but when you find someone who makes you feel brave, that can make all the difference,” she says. 

Admitting all this makes you feel exposed, especially when your eyes flit to Jungkook and you find him gazing at you, as if he’s trying to figure you out. You’re worried that any other move you make or things you say will lead him to uncovering your feelings that you acknowledge is beyond just physical attraction at this point. 

You find yourself worrying about him constantly, wondering what he’s doing or if he’s getting proper rest. You’re always thinking about his smile and the sound of his laugh, and you imagine how much sweeter and softer they could get. You want him to be happy, to find his peace, to have something to look forward to. And you want to know what his touch feels and how it’s like to have him close. 

You know all this is wrong because of who you are and who he is in this world, especially as you realize that you’ve never felt anything quite like this before. The fear makes itself even more known as it is embodied in the man across from you - so palpable and overwhelming that you can’t help but want more, and the more his eyes bore into you, the closer you are to giving in. 

How are you to know what’s worth it and what isn’t if you don’t let yourself feel all of it? And if Jungkook makes you feel brave, then what if he’s the person you’re willing to break down your walls for?

You shake your head, knowing you can’t fall into the trap of your own mind. You need to be logical about this, but you also think that you’ve been that way all your life and it hasn’t brought you much happiness. At this point, you question what that looks like. 

Maybe it looks like him. Maybe it’s also life without him. 

How do people make decisions like this? You wonder. How do they know how much pain they can bear? And when does it become worth it?

“Wise words,” you manage to say after a tense silence. “You make it sound simple.”

“Sometimes it is, sometimes it isn’t,” Chin-sun says. “Human beings are complicated, ___, so are our emotions. Love makes people stupid. But it also makes us brave and happy and complete. And when it’s shared with the right person, god it feels so good.”

You’re able to get her to share about her own experience and remove the spotlight away from you. Manager Lee narrates his serendipitous love story as well, and the serious tone of the conversation turns into a giddy, enjoyable one. You find yourself constantly glancing at Jungkook, liking his soft smiles and giggles as the stories are told. He briefly meets your eyes during some moments though, and that’s when you look away. 

The night ends when he announces that everyone should get some rest and prepare for tomorrow’s activities, so you all clean up and wish each other a good night. Your eyes linger on Jungkook as he walks back to his villa, and you turn away before he does the same, the yearning for him getting stronger as each day passes.

The sun shines beautifully over the lake as you lean on the railing overlooking the water. The clouds over the mountains look like the fog that cleared earlier, and the majestic way that the scenery is framed by the blue skies is absolutely stunning.

“It’s pretty, isn’t it?” Jungkook hums from several meters next to you. “I never really bothered to appreciate this view before.”

“It is,” you say, turning to him as he continues to gaze at the scene before you while you gaze at him. If he notices from his periphery, he doesn’t say anything. “It’s breathtaking. I could take a picture but that wouldn’t give this justice.”

“I can try,” he says, reaching out to ask for your phone. “I’m good at this.”

You indulge him and watch as he finds the right angle to beautifully capture the surroundings. He asks if you want him to take another photo with you in it this time, and though you’re a little shy, you let him. 

You warm at how natural your smile looks, realizing that you were focusing on his smile while he was taking the picture. The view looks surreal but you’re in there, and it’s a reminder of where you are and who you’re with. Jungkook remarks that it’s a nice shot before turning back to the water, and while you wish you were braver and had asked to take one with him so you could hold onto this memory, you know you’ll look at this photo of you and also remember what you’re feeling. There’s so much calm and clarity, and you know it’s not just because of the mountains. 

The tension and fear that filled you up last night have slowly turned into a sense of relief. The distance that once bothered you about Jungkook now gives you comfort. No matter how far or unattainable he may be, you still feel his presence - his warmth is in the peacefulness of a park at night, or in the calmness of the lake, or in the safety of your neighborhood library. You never imagined that one Jeon Jungkook would ever make you feel this way, and if he’s someone who makes you be brave to feel something new, maybe you owe it to him and to yourself to be brave to pursue that, too.

Your thoughts are disrupted when Yohan yells that breakfast is ready. You all gather in the common dining room for some dumpling soup before a short planning session to give you time to digest. At 9:30, the first activity begins, with all six of you divided into two teams to finish an obstacle course.

It gets competitive when you’re teamed up with the younger ones, as Do-hyun and Yohan attempt to trash talk the others. They give it their all, especially when they see Jungkook dominating the kayaking part of the course, but the three of you manage in the end. A part of you feels that the other team just wanted to make the younger ones win only to use it against them later on, but the fun and excitement are what matter.

You enjoy some meat and stew for lunch and have another planning session before doing the afternoon games, which has Jungkook on the losing team again. He comes up with a last minute individual game that gives Manager Lee the chance to win this time, and the afternoon ends with all of you, excluding him, winning prizes you can enjoy after this.

The free time before dinner has you reading your book by the lake and then talking with Chin-sun in the hammock while the rest of the team enjoy the sunset and some beer. You’re thankful that this time, Mr. Ri was tasked to handle all the activities instead of you, and so you’re able to focus on spending time with your colleagues. 

You grill meat again for dinner, roast marshmallows over the campfire, and passionately sing off-key in the karaoke. But unlike last night, people decide to go to bed early, definitely tired from today’s physical activities. 

You’re exhausted as well but somehow, the pull of the cold evening air is too strong, so you decide to walk to the main house and grab a bottle of beer. When you walk out to the deck, you’re surprised to find Jungkook seated on a lounge chair outside of his villa, glass in hand as he looks up at the sky. 

Jungkook savors the crisp breeze, knowing that once he gets back to Seoul, all he’ll have is the musty air and the buzzing sounds of the city. He wants to remember this weekend and the peace he felt. Maybe he should’ve taken a photo of the view this morning like he did for you; he at least has the one of you in it that he took ingrained in his mind. You looked so calm and happy; he couldn’t help the smile that formed on his face then. 

He’s trying to keep as much of today in his memory as he can, knowing how hectic it’s going to be when you all get back. Other than the amount of fun he didn’t expect to have with the team, he enjoyed seeing a different side of you. 

You were competitive but encouraging, probably not the most athletic but definitely capable. He could pick out your squeals and laughter and he thought they were sweet and hypnotic, and he appreciated how thoughtful you were during dinner, making sure everyone had enough to eat, especially him. You would catch his attention to ask if his meat is okay or if he’s feeling comfortable; he hated that it all ended so soon. Though he shouldn’t, he wanted more time with you. It’s different being out here than it is in the office or even in his home. Here, he’s unguarded and a lot more free, and he’s able to make more sense of how you affect him; in a way, he’s able to truly feel all that you make him feel.

There’s so much of you in his mind but you’re not around, so he stands up to head to bed already, hoping he’d at least see you in his dreams. But when he turns towards the door, he sees a silhouette in the main house’s deck. And as if the universe is giving him some sign, he finds you there, standing by the post with a beer in hand. You lift the bottle in cheers and he lifts his drink in return, sipping every last drop he could.

He sees you grab another bottle from the outdoor fridge then place it on the coffee table, an invitation to join you that he’s glad you make. He would’ve been too hesitant to make the move, unsure of your willingness to be in his presence. 

“Can’t sleep?” You ask as he nears the couch. 

He sits next to you, the short distance a little too tempting to close. 

“Sort of,” he hums. “And you?”

“Not really. I don’t get much of the outdoors back in my tiny apartment,” you chuckle.

“Fair enough. The weather’s been nice, fortunately. Not like the last time we were out of town, yeah?”

“Yeah, fortunately,” you shyly look at him, not saying more, perhaps unsure if it’s something he’s ready to talk about.

“It’s okay,” he assures you. “I’ve accepted you having witnessed my extreme moment of weakness. You were patient and understanding even when I was angry and I… I don’t know if I’ve thanked you enough for that.”

“You have, and I understand it all. But Jungkook, what happened at that guest house is not weakness,” you insist. “That’s… dealing with a painful memory.”

“That wasn’t dealing, ___. I was suffering. That's… that’s what happens when someone doesn’t know how to move on from something.”

“Does it happen a lot?” You wonder. 

“Well, the nightmares tend to happen when the thunder is really loud,” he says. “Otherwise I just get really anxious, like when it rains, my brain just expects things to get bad.”

“What do you do when it does?”

“I don’t know how I manage, actually,” he answers. “I usually forget and just remember that I wake up dry in my bed. I mean, I’d be sweating but not soaked. I guess that night, I was just too nervous because the rain was so strong, we were on the road. And I was somewhere completely unfamiliar with you. I… I think that made it worse.”

Your silence prompts him to clarify. “I mean, I didn’t want you to see me that way, that’s why it was worse,” he states. “It’s not a side of me I’m proud of. Which is silly thinking about it now because you’ve seen a lot of sides of me that I’m not proud of. All of them, actually.”

“So you’re not proud of the side of you that protected me? That made sure I was safe? That rushed to find me when I was stuck in the rain?” You ask. 

“It’s what any decent human being would do,” he dismisses. “Those just probably stand out because I wasn’t exactly one in the beginning.”

“Well, you had Mr. Ri drive me. You’d make me go home early sometimes, too.”

“___, again, that’s what a decent boss should be doing. It’s the bare minimum. You deserve more kindness than you’re receiving. I… I should have been that to you from the start.”

“We’ve moved past that, remember? It’s all okay. I managed, I stayed. And I’m glad I did. I got to learn so much from you,” you assure him. “And you deserve more kindness than you’re receiving, too.”

Jungkook hums. He wouldn’t have thought that he’d be able to freely talk to you about all this - about how he was before and how he’s been recently. And like always, you’re gentle with him. He could only hope you’re as gentle as you are with yourself, something he doesn’t know how to do. 

“I… I hope you’ve found ways to cope with all that you went through,” he says, turning away from you in shame. “I… I’m still learning.”

“It’s a process, and it’s not an easy one. No one really tells you how to do it. You kind of just… find your way,” you share. “But just think that the thunder doesn’t last long. It’s going to pass. So maybe when it starts raining, you can do what I did. Just cover your ears to block out the sounds. All we can do sometimes is shield ourselves from it, you know? It would scare us a little less.”

“I don’t even remember how you did it,” he admits. “I felt so out of it that night.”

“But did it help?” You ask. 

He nods in response. “I wasn’t alone. I think that was the first time in a long time.”

“When you are, just do what I do,” you say, turning towards him and closing the distance to cover his ears with your hands. “Edge of the palms or your fingers then press tightly. The hollowness will drown out the sounds until they stop.” 

Jungkook’s eyes swim in yours. He can’t tell you that he doubts it’d work without you, since your comforting look and your calm voice are what made him pull through. But still, he knows that imagining you’re there would definitely help.

“Edge of the palms or your fingers then press tightly,” he repeats, almost like a whisper. “Got it.”

You smile and it’s like a spell for him, as he mindlessly puts his hands over yours and slowly brings them down. He’s so lost in you that he only realizes he’s still holding your hands when you look down, so he immediately pulls away.

“Who taught you how to do that?” He asks, masking his embarrassment.

“My mom,” you answer, shifting back on your seat and looking out at the horizon. “My dad copped out before he knew I existed and she was too heartbroken to ask for him back. It took a while but she eventually found another man. I was pretty young then. He was okay, but then he lost his job and things went downhill from there.”

Jungkook sees the way your face falls and he already knows his heart is going to break for you.

“He would drink a lot and they’d fight all the time. He’d yell and yell, and then yell some more,” you narrate. “Mom would make me hide in the closet or under the bed just so I’d hear less of it. Thunder used to scare me, too; it sounded like his banging on the wall when he’d scream at her but eventually, I realized the roar drowns him out so I welcomed it. But I would just cover my ears and think of happy thoughts like she said. Sometimes she’d come to me and do it like I did with you. I always liked that better.”

“I’m sorry,” he says, wanting to take your hand back and comfort you in any way. “You shouldn’t have experienced that.”

“Life isn’t fair sometimes,” you sigh, having accepted the hand you were dealt. “My mom and I got out and she found someone who loves and respects her. And we just found ways to deal with the pain, you know? We could only bury it for so long. And so covering my ears just became a habit as I grew up. It was a way to battle all that.”

“I’ve seen you do that a few times.”

“It’s like a general coping mechanism of some sort,” you explain. “Sometimes the loud sounds come from inside, too. Thoughts of not being good enough, of being selfish, of not deserving of happiness… I mean, they come from others but they stay in my head. I have to cover my ears to stop them from overwhelming me.”

“I’m sorry,” he says again, looking away in shame when you turn to him questioningly. “You did that several times during my first weeks. I know I… I said things that hurt you.”

“Hey, it’s okay. It was hard for everyone and like I said, I forgive you. But I've been told worse things,” you shake your head. “You’ve heard some of them.”

“You didn’t deserve those either.”

“I know. That’s why I walked away. It’s easy to do that when you don’t give much of yourself to them. And I do it all the time,” you say. “I never really stay.”

“Would you stay if you found the right person?”

You remember a conversation with him months ago, about people being temporary and how they’d only stay if they had a reason to. It’s safe to say that finding the right person would be your reason, but that also makes it harder. 

“I probably would,” you respond. “And I think that scares me, too.”

“Why?” He asks.

“What if I would stay for them? But they won’t stay for me?”

Jungkook leaves your question unanswered, knowing there’s nothing he can say that would sufficiently validate your fear nor comfort you about it. His own past relationship doesn’t give him any right - Chaerin left him but he gave her all the reasons to; she walked away and he did the same. Sometimes he wonders if she’d lost him before he lost her. He also doesn’t know if he loved her so much that he let her go, or if he didn’t love her enough to make her stay. Maybe it was neither. Or maybe he was just too scared - that she’d reject him, or that he wouldn’t be able to love her better if he she came back, he doesn’t know. He was never brave enough to find out.

He lets the silence linger, prompting you to remark that the conversation is too sad for a night as pretty as tonight.

“We should probably head to bed, though,” he suggests. “We still have stuff in the morning then a long ride home. I don’t have to remind you how hectic this next week is gonna be.”

“You just did,” you frown, earning you a laugh. “But I agree. Thank you for keeping me company tonight.”

Your shy smile makes his breath hitch. He wants this to go on for longer but he knows he might just let his guard down even more, maybe share about his other pains and frustrations and worries about life. Maybe he’ll end up moving closer to you, close enough that he’d smell your classic rose scent that makes his mind feel hazy. Maybe he’ll want more, and he reminds himself of all the boundaries he shouldn’t cross, and that crossing them may push you away. 

So he says goodnight and you both walk towards your respective villas, looking back one more time before heading inside. 

You’re all he thinks about for the rest of the night. His gaze follows you all through the next morning, too. He misses your presence when he leaves for Seoul in his own car, and he’s back to being a giddy mess when you message him, saying you hope he got home safely. 

It almost feels like the weekend was a dream and when Monday comes, he has to remind himself that he’s back to reality and that includes how he should be when it comes to you. Those days remain in his memory, but when you enter his apartment that morning with the softest smile, and when you meet his eyes as you fix his necktie, he knows it wasn’t a dream. And that somehow, just like him, you wish it didn’t have to end.

It’s been over a week since the team building and you haven’t really moved on from all that happened during those three days. There was the joy of being with your colleagues and the companionship you felt thankful to have. There was also the tranquility of the lake and the refreshing environment that rejuvenated you, making you wish you were back there, especially as you sort through the printed photos from your disposable camera and see the pretty views that you already miss. 

There’s that photo you took of Jungkook by the stream that you’ve been staring at, another reason why you want to go back to that time. His eyes are warm and his smile is soft and subtle, unforced and just as captivating. It’s quite calming, and it’s the image that you hold onto later that Thursday evening when you’re piled under loads of paperwork. It’s past 6PM but you can’t afford to leave yet, and the only good thing about it is that he’s still around, and you get to sneak in some glances through the window.

You’ve become that person, smitten by her attractive boss and definitely stupid enough to be overwhelmed by her emotions. You haven’t stopped thinking about him. Everyday that you enter his space, the desire to know him more gets stronger; with every common place you step into, you keep wishing he’d ask you to stay close, that he’d invite you to somewhere reserved for those he lets in. Every time your fingers brush, you’re reminded of the way his hands felt on top of yours and how you wanted him to keep them there, and every look you share makes you hope that you’re not the only one in this mess of emotions. And that if you’ll give in, so would he.

You’re not quite sure what he feels, but if his shy smiles and the way he intensely looks at you before looking away mean anything, then you could at least say that there’s definitely something there. You just don’t know if he would acknowledge it or if like you, it’s gotten too strong that you’re unable to think clearly or act rationally.

Finally done with the last item on your task list for today, you start to pack up. It’s at the same time that Jungkook exits from his room to return a portfolio he took earlier and place it on your desk. You’re about to pick it up but he says you should just leave it there and fix it tomorrow.

But you disregard him. You retrieve the stool and attempt to return the portfolio on the top shelf. It’s a little heavy but you manage; you even start fixing the others that moved because Jungkook’s been getting them these past days. You’re about to step down when you hear his heavy sigh.

“I told you to do that tomorrow,” he groans, walking towards you. 

With your back turned, you reply, “I like starting my days with a tidy desk, okay?”

“It’s just one portfolio,” he points out.

“It still takes up so much space. It makes my table look messy.”

“You still could’ve waited. Or you could’ve asked me to help,” he insists, continuing to reprimand you as you try to step down the stool. 

He’s a little close, blocking your view of the floor, and that’s why you miss a step and trip again, your squeal echoing throughout the empty floor. You think your heart racing is about to join in on the sounds, too, as it quickens when you realize that Jungkook has caught you by your waist, his tight grip on you sending shivers down your spine. 

He’s gotten even closer, as you look up and find his scrunched eyebrows and worried eyes staring back at you. The tension starts to rise but you manage to tell him that you’re fine after he asks if you’re hurt. 

“I’m sure,” you tell him. “You caught my fall. Again.”

You giggle and that’s what makes him let out a laugh as well. Your left hand holds onto the shelf but his hands remain on you. He’s still a breath away but you suddenly don’t mind, as your right hand mindlessly makes its way to rest on his arm. At this moment, this feels right. You’re all alone in your little bubble with him where you’re all he sees and he’s all you can breathe in. 

His bergamot scent wafts through your nose. You can count his eyelashes and see the scar on his cheek that you never noticed. He’s even more breathtaking up close, and as if all reason evaporates from your body, you don’t pull away. You want him just like this.

On second thought, you want him even closer.

“You’re a clumsy woman, aren’t you?” He says, his voice low and deep. “This isn’t the first time that I’m breaking your fall.”

“Well, if you would just be quiet while I’m attempting to go down, then that wouldn’t be a problem,” you breathily giggle, inching the tiniest bit forward. 

“Well, if you just listened to me the first time, then you wouldn't have to climb up there,” he responds, earning him a playful roll of your eyes. “You’re a stubborn one, too.”

“So I’ve heard,” you match his teasing. “Can't help it sometimes.”

“So you acknowledge it?” He raises an eyebrow in intrigue. 

“Yeah, I guess,” you say much more nervously now, meeting his eyes. It’s like you’re hypnotized again, caught in some spell where being in his presence makes you honest and uninhibited. “I mean, I feel things I shouldn’t feel and want people I shouldn’t want,” you add. “Doesn’t that make me stubborn?”

“What’s stopping you from feeling them? From having them?” He asks, his voice remaining low and his eyes, even more piercing and desperate now as they stare back at you.

His thumbs lightly caress your waist and his touch electrifies you through the thin material of your blouse. There’s so much to say and it’s way more complicated, just as your feelings for him are. You can’t help but eye his lips, soft and pink, and the desire to know what they taste like intensifies, prompting you to nibble your own.  

“What’s stopping me?” You pant now, your gaze flitting from his eyes back to his lips, with him doing the same. “The ways of the world. And some… boundary that pulls me back, a line that I don’t know he’s ready to cross for me.”

The words actualize your fears the moment you say them. You know all the reasons why wanting him is wrong. But there’s a small part of you that wants to give in, and it’s terrified that he wouldn’t, that he’d dismiss what you feel and pull away. The way he’s been with you and the way he’s holding you right now spark that sliver of hope you have that he feels the same way, but it’s also the same moment that he lets you go, perhaps realizing that he’s not willing to take the risk the way you are. 

He releases you from his hold and steps back, creating distance, and you suddenly feel bare - exposed and unguarded without his touch. He looks at you in panic, in apology, in fear, as if he’d had some sense knocked into him, as if he awakened from some spell that pushed him close to you, only to realize that that’s a place he can’t go. 

“I—”

“I should go,” you interject, turning away so as not to see any more of the rejection in his eyes. “Have a good evening, Mr. Jeon.”

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[eveningspirit]

Rewatching the Pitt I’ve come to two big conclusions:

1. Samira Mohan is for the eldest daughters who’ve had responsibilities and pressures thrust upon them at an early age

And

2. Frank Langdon is for the younger siblings who strive to be noticed/praised. And or trying to achieve a impossible standard set by those before you.

I can’t explain to you HOW just that this fits both characters very well.

Hmm. I can't really say, because I'm an only child. And I don't know about Mohan, maybe she appeals to eldest daughters for the reasons you stated.

However, I think Langdon appeals to any order of birth, but certainly to people who were emotionally neglected as children. Like. Their feelings weren't validated (as often happens to neurodivergent kids, "what do you mean it's noisy/too bright/smells bad here? it's not noisy at all, you're just being a fuss, stop this nonsense"). Their wants were brushed away for something "better" ("biology is for nerds, you should learn mathematics, she's the queen of all sciences", or "you're watching this movie/reading this book again? It's for little kids, you should watch/read something more appropriate for your age/more challenging") and their happiness was belittled ("you're talking too much, nobody will want to talk to you, because you're always talking so much (read: happily infodumping)")

Yeah. While Mel is obviously a neurodivergent person, her quirks were accepted and she was allowed to develop healthy coping mechanisms. Langdon... Neurodivergent or not--he's still seeking that validation.

[schizoid-hikikomori]

I don't particularly recommend self diagnosis. But I don't hold any animosity for those who need answers.

Self diagnosis is a double edged sword, in that, with appropriate research, it can give you some idea of what you may potentially be dealing with. But when you become so set on one explanation, you may unconsciously align yourself more with this identity. You may attempt self-treatment, using coping mechanisms befitting that disorder, but may inadvertently cause yourself more harm in doing so if you do not truly have that disorder. By speaking as if you have been professionally diagnosed, you may inadvertently spread misinformation about that disorder.

Mental health diagnoses are a tricky thing. Labels are generally meant to guide a path towards treatment and allowing an individual to function in their daily life. But those labels have become so charged, that people feel it defines them when they are given a diagnosis, or alternatively, feel incomplete when upon knowing something's wrong but not having a label for it.

Not having a diagnosis doesn't necessarily mean you cannot handle your issues. Achieving the self awareness that you know something's wrong and abnormal in your mind means that you have the level of self awareness to realize your needs. A diagnosis can be misleading into what an individual actually needs, because typical treatment plans are not one size fits all. Believing you need to be treated a certain way when your body and mind have needs that go in a different direction can be harmful.

So when you know something's wrong, look at symptoms rather than a diagnosis. You can work on handling issues individually while speculating on diagnoses or working to get with a professional to handle it.

I also do not recommend self diagnosing based on my blog (or anyone else's, for that matter), for experiences with disorders are incredibly subjective and you relating to my or anyone else's experience is not an indication of having the same disorder.

Too many people misconstrue schizoid pd as "the introvert disorder" or "the misanthropic disorder" or "the emotionless disorder", which can cause introverts or people who've already been diagnosed with other disorders to think they have it, when it's more complicated than that. The shallow DSM description doesn't help.

I wanted to point this out before it happens or in case it already has: Do not diagnose yourself with schizoid pd based on my blog. You may relate to my posts, but that is not an indication of having the disorder. If you suspect you have schizoid pd, do your own research and speak with a professional when the opportunity arises.

My ask box is open, as always.

[littlejazzy]

Do you have good recommendations for AgeRe stories? Something really cute and fluffy? (I'm a lonely regressor and I love reading stories about really sweet caregivers.)

I do!! I adore reading agere fics, so here are some recs! I hope you enjoy!!! 💖

Gen:

Decontamination by SailorChibi - Marvel - Baby!Tony and CG!Steve - After a battle, Steve takes care of his baby - (This one is a Classification!AU/Littles are Known!AU... like, one of the very first ones. Very good and fluffy. If you ever read thorough their fics, (tagged NSAP bc agere straight up did not exist as a community yet) you'll start spotting alot of things that other people were/are inspired from.)

Picnic by SailorChibi - Marvel - Baby!Tony, CG!Steve, Middle!Bucky, Toddler!Clint, CG!Coulson, Kiddo!Scott, CG!Sam W., Kiddo!Peter P., CG!Wade, Kid!Wanda, and CG!Vision - All the Avengers have a nice picnic - (classification!au, but a different verse than the previous fic jsyk. this one is suuuuper fluffy and cute and fun <3)

Less than Five by SailorChibi - Daniel Craig's James Bond - Little!Q and CG!Bond - Q regresses smaller than usual; his daddy makes sure he's taken care of - (classification!AU, first of a series. first two fics are pretty fluffy, but the third has some angst, which makes the fluff even sweeter, in my opinion)

coffee makers and bumblebees by orchidsncrake - Daredevil - Little!Matt and CG!Foggy - Matt becomes overstimulated and after an altercation with the office's coffee maker, Foggy is there to make everything better

Small surprises by undergroundrice - Daredevil - Little!Matt and CG!Foggy - Foggy stumbles onto Matt regressing, and together they figure it out

A Second Shot by mylittlestories - MCU - Little!Natasha, Little!Clint, and CG!Coulson - Natasha didn't have much of a childhood. When she sees that having a second one is possible, she wants; Coulson and Clint are happy to make her family :) - (This one is unfinished, but what's there is just so nice I have to include it!!)

Give your Dreams the Wings to Fly by Honey_Dewey - FNAF Movie - Little!Matt and CG!Ness - Mike gets sick at work, but his boyfriend is there to make everything okay

the road to hope and adventures into the unknown (target) by romansprince - Barbie (2023) - Little!Ken, then CG!Barbie and CG!Gloria - Ken has become human... except he's never had a childhood. Sometimes he feels Fuzzy, but that's something he thinks he can keep secret. As he turns out, he can't, but it works out anyway - (Two separate fics that take place in the same universe/series. The first one/set-up is a little angsty, but the second is more fluffy)

Movie Night by mcschnuggles - Heathers - Little!JD and CG!Veronica - JD unexpectedly drops into headspace during a movie night with the rest of the teenagers; Veronica helps him through it - (Modern!AU, Everyone Lives!AU, this one is kinda angsty, but like, it's canon appropriate, lol - also!!! make sure that you check out the author's other works!!!!! lots of agere fics for a large variety of fandoms!!)

Toffee Ticking Time Bomb by GayCheerios - Star Wars - Little!Anakin and CG!Obi-Wan - Obi-Wan has to find his padawan's stuffie before the inevitable temper tantrum ensues - (classification!AU, part of a very nice and good series that, if you enjoy this fic, you should also check out)

Baby's First Bath by CyberToddler - Beetlejuice: The Musical - Toddler!Beetlejuice and CG!Maitlands - The Maitlands give Beetlejuice his very first bath - ( 👉👈 I wrote this one 😖)

Evolution by Cgetbrmj - The Last of Us (TV) - Little!Ellie and CG!Joel - Series that follows each episode of the show, and explores how these characters stumble upon age regression as a coping mechanism and how much they both realize they enjoy it. - (Slowburn agere, as it explores how it develops naturally between both characters. This one DOES contain some angst as it relates to the show, but overall is as fluffy as its setting allows)

Reader-Inserts:

The Doctor's Office by agerefandom (tazia101) - Twilight - Little!Reader and CG!Carlisle - Reader goes to their first check-up in their new town and unexpectedly regresses; thankfully, their doctor is more than understanding - (I can not emphasize enough how much I love this one. Hits all the right buttons, I'm so happy/thankful I found it before I had to establish care w/ a new doctor, it's just- so good)

Sugary Sweet by agerefandom (tazia101) - Twilight - Baby!Reader and CG!Alice and Jasper - A comfy, happy morning with your vampire caregivers - (be sure to check out the writer for more fandoms!! lots of agere fics, including gen and reader!insert!)

little life at the mansion by myworldoffanfiction - X-Men - Little!Reader and CG!X-Men (the main gang lol) - First chapter is a busy yet comfy morning while living at Xavier's Mansion. Second chapter is a fun Summer evening - (this one is sooooo sweet 😭)

Play Pretend by Vinnies_Comfort_Corner - Scream (1996) - Kiddo!Reader, Flip!Stu, and CG!Billy - You and Stu play pretend while waiting for Billy to come home - (if you enjoy this one, make sure you check out their other regression fics!!! there's even one with a petreg puppy!reader!! and other horror media!!)

Red Stained Fingers by CyberToddler - Scream (1996) - Little!Reader, CG!Stu, and CG!Billy - Unorthodox sensory play with diy-ed fake blood, lol - (I also wrote this one 😅 it's sugary sweet, I promise, lol)

[knaveumineko]

Umineko Episode 4 Blog: More Questions Than Answers

It's been a busy few weeks, and this was a really long episode, but I finally reached the end of the Question Arcs. This one was good! Probably the best since Episode 1.

Ange's storyline didn't go in the direction I expected. I had thought that, as an observer from the future, her perspective might pin down Beatrice, in the sense that any evidence she finds regarding the case forces Beatrice to tell the story in a way consistent with that evidence. Instead, her perspective explains a lot more about how magic works, culminating in her performing her own mass murder with the Stakes (or rather, Amakusa's gun). I get what they were going for with this storyline, but they just took too many scenes to do it, and while I like magic conceptually in this story, the actual moment-to-moment experience of reading the sisters' interactions is a little painful.

On the other hand, I was really surprised by how much I liked Maria's backstory scenes. Reading it really brought back memories, which might sound a little concerning, but that's not how I mean it. As someone who also had stuffed animals for a bit longer than perhaps age-appropriate, and had a tendency to disappear into my own head in response to negative emotions, to the point of being something of a loner, I was able to feel Maria's magic, instead of just thinking about what it meant. I think I would have found Sakutarou pretty annoying if not for understanding so deeply what he is. It's great characterisation for Maria to watch how she shapes his personality into the person she needs: he argues for the naive perspective so that Maria can maintain her faith in her mother, and takes all of Maria's anxieties about the world around her so she can be brave by inserting herself into the mature adult role. How is she already a better mother than Rosa is?

The conflict between Maria and Ange's perspectives sometimes reads a bit uncomfortably, perhaps because I align more with how Ange sees things. It felt like the story maybe leaned a bit too hard on Maria's side, despite the fact that it's pretty hard to take her side without making excuses for her abuse. I imagine this is because Ryukishi understood that readers would be more aligned with Ange, and he needed to get across that she does have something to learn from Maria's perspective, instead of rejecting it while pitying her.

That being said, the payoff when their perspectives finally reach synthesis is fantastic. Ange understands Maria as someone who, as if by a miracle, found some way to turn her pain into something positive that she could share to make others happy, and in turn was despised by everyone until she gave in and used that coping mechanism more spitefully. Every scene with Maria reads so differently after properly understanding her perspective: the evil laugh as she imagines the people hurting her dying, and the way their continued denial of Beatrice must have felt to her. It's cathartic to see Ange redeem her, or perhaps put her to rest, through the resurrection of Sakutarou. It's a clever way to reflect the "turning a negative into a positive" motif: the fact that Rosa lied about Sakutarou being handmade is the same thing that allows him to come back to life.

As far as the actual game goes, it's the most interesting we've gotten since Episode 1. I'm still curious about if 3 and 4 are also written by the Rokkenjima killer, but in any case I'm glad to see how inventive we can get with the format now; having Battler confined to a single room for the entire incident and unable to learn any information beyond a series of phone calls that only tell him what Beatrice wants him to believe, feels appropriately climactic for the end of the Question Arcs.

It also sets up the ending, which made me more tense than I've felt since 1. It's so eerie to watch Battler's weird as hell "test," followed by him wandering around for an entire day trying to find out what happened. It's got that paranoia-inducing quality of implying there's some greater truth about these events that's staring us in the face. This might be the first time we've seen the killer's real personality, and after all of that they gave up halfway through the conversation and presumably killed themselves right after. At least Battler finally bothered to investigate any of the crime scenes.

Ange's scenes complicate the meta-plot significantly. I had thought of the first message bottle being authored by Maria as artistic licence, but now it seems we have two conflicting accounts both written by the killer, before the crime even took place, meaning we have absolutely no idea what really happened on the island. It's not even clear that Ange's world is actually the real one. It's originally implied that Ange comes from the future of Episode 3's game specifically, but that could be misdirection and she's actually from the "real" timeline, or maybe it will turn out that this whole story was written in Ange's diary, discovered after she commit suicide by jumping off of the hospital roof. Nevertheless, confirmation that the first two episodes, and possibly the later ones, are written by the killer at least means that what's written in them is important to understanding the killer's perspective. If there's ever going to be a hope of deducing the events of October 4th and 5th, it's in understanding Beatrice's intentions when they wrote those stories.

[tgmsunmontue]

Dance me through the panic - 1/3

Maverick/Cyclone - set in the Take more chances, dance more dances verse (Hangster and polycule Bob/Javy/Nat).

                He’s never met the infamous Maverick.

                Considering the circles he moves in it’s something of a surprise.

                He’s heard plenty though, and it’s more than enough to fill him with trepidation when Admiral Kazansky calls him and suggests, with the voice of someone who expects such a suggestion to be followed, that he bring Maverick in to assist with the mission.

                He drinks about a third of a bottle of scotch.

                It’s not a good coping mechanism. However, it does feel like an appropriate response all the same.

                Of course, he regrets the decision the following morning, head pounding and mouth furry with regret, mood sour when Solomon grins at him widely. He’s always been a morning person and right now Beau lets himself hate him for it.

…            …            …

                “Captain Pete Maverick Mitchell.”

                “Your reputation precedes you.”

                “Thank you, sir.”

                “Wasn’t a compliment.”

                “I’m Admiral Beau Simpson. I’m the air boss. I believe you know Admiral Bates,” Beau says, and he’s not quite sure why he included his first name there. At no point should Captain Mitchell be using his first name.

                “Warlock, sir. Must admit, I wasn’t expecting an invitation back.”

                “They’re called orders, Maverick,” Solomon says, tone dry and Beau has to hide a smile, the pain killers he took finally having kicked in. “You two have something in common. Cyclone here was first in his class back in 88.”

                “Actually, sir, I finished second. Just want to manage expectations.”

                And he’s back to being an annoying fuck. Great. He sucks in a breath and runs through the parameters of the mission at hand. It’s been a mad scramble, getting some of the best tacticians into a room, reviewing schematics and running through different parameters and doing multiple what if? what if? what if? Scenarios to come up with something that resembles a potential plan of attack. It doesn’t seem like one that will work. He makes a comment about old relics and Solomon raises an eyebrow at him, but he doesn’t care if he ruffles Maverick’s feathers. From everything he’s heard the man is unflappable.

                “What’s your read, Captain?”

                He listens as Maverick runs through the mission, obviously talking aloud and dismissing options but summarising in a few sentences what has taken several people around the table a few hours to do.

                Fuck.

                Admiral Kazansky might know what he’s talking about after all.

…            …            …

                Maverick is studying the schematics and Beau looks at them and then back at Maverick, hears him murmur someone’s not coming back from this under his breath and he swallows roughly, jaw tense.

                “Can it be done or not?”

                “How soon before the plant becomes operational?”

                “Three weeks. Maybe less.”

                The timeline is something that has him losing sleep; he knows the pilots are good, but getting them to the point in such a short period of time is what has him the most worried.

                “Well, it’s been a while since I’ve flown an f-18, and… I’m not sure who I’d trust to fly the other three. But I’ll find a way to make it work.”

                “I think you misunderstand, captain.”

                “Sir?”

                “We don’t want you to fly it. We want you to teach it.”

                “Teach, sir?” Maverick asks, and the way he says it makes it sound like a dirty word, and his entire demeanour is confused and Beau would find it amusing in any other circumstance.

                “We’ve recalled twelve top gun graduates from their squadrons. We want you to narrow that pool down to six. They’ll fly the mission. Is there a problem, captain?”

                “With all due respect, sir, I’m not a teacher.”

                Beau notes he doesn’t answer the question and he grimaces, it’s not a good sign.

                “You were a top gun instructor before.”

                “That was almost 30 years ago. I lasted two months. It’s not where I belong.”

                Beau lets out a long breath.

                “Then let me be perfectly blunt. You were not my first choice. In fact, you weren’t even on the list. You are here at the request of Admiral Kazansky. Now, Iceman happens to be a man I deeply admire, and he seems to think that you have something left to offer the Navy. What that is, I can’t imagine,” he says, although the last bit is a definite stretch of the truth if not an outright lie. However he also has Cain breathing down his neck and he’s always managed to play the political juggling game with ease. “You don’t have to take this job. But let me be clear: This will be your last post, captain. You fly for top gun, or you don’t fly for the Navy ever again.”

                If Maverick is their best shot, then he’s going to have Maverick teach his naval aviators everything he knows.

                Then next morning, when Maverick throws the F-18 NATOPS into the trashcan his stomach sinks, because this sheer disregard for the paperwork makes his skin itch and he wonders just what kind of mistake he’s made.

…            …            …

                He listens to them on the radio and he knows he didn’t pick these twelve, that they were selected by a panel, but god he’d love to know what criteria they were looking at. He has to get out, he can’t drink every night that he has to deal with listening to Maverick train these Naval Aviators, listen to them fail over and over. He’s certain that he’s going to need to visit the dentist the way he’s been grinding his teeth. He knows he can go and dance and it’s almost meditative in its actions, the music and the steps stopping his mind from spiraling on what-ifs but there aren’t any open sessions until later in the week so he’s just going to have to push through.

                He’s done harder and more difficult things.

                Probably.

                Then Maverick flies below the hard deck and he loses his temper. He’s not proud of the fact, but he’s not been sleeping or eating, too concerned about the impossible task he’s been given to oversee. He feels like he’s on a fools errand, failure guaranteed at every turn, and with it, death.            

                “And how to come home. And how to come home sir…”

                “Every mission has its risks. These pilots accept that,” Beau bites out, words bitter on his tongue.

       ��        When Maverick places the paperwork for the request to lower the hard deck he almost laughs out loud with disbelief.

                Lord.

                The cheek of this man.

                He catches a flash of challenge and amusement in Maverick’s eyes before it’s quickly behind shutters and he exchanges a look with Solomon, who quickly decides the smartest move is to remove Maverick from his presence.

                Smart man.

…            …            …

                Thursday night comes and he flees the base for home so he can get changed and head to the dance studio, knowing he will be far too early, but also knows Bradley will be happy to partner him and dance, and if not, Cheryl will be there as well. He pushes open the door and isn’t surprised to find it empty. He sits down and slips off his shoes, pulls on his dance shoes and starts doing up the laces.

                “Be right with – oh. Beau. Nice to see you.”

                “You too. Sorry, I know it’s early. I just needed to get out.”

                “Yeah, fair enough. You want to dance?” Bradley asks with an easy grin and Beau nods, grateful that some people in his life are just easy to deal with. He knows where he stands and what is expected of him.

                “You leading or am I?”

                “You lead, I need to concentrate and get my mind off some things…”

                “Sure thing.”

                Then Bradley is pulling up a playlist on his phone, a fast jive from the quick glance Beau gets and yeah, that’ll keep his mind busy and hopefully tire his body out enough that he’ll be able to fall asleep. Then Bradley is slipping his phone into his pocket and taking his hands, jerking his head towards the dance floor. It’s good, he’s familiar with the playlist, the first couple of warmup songs then followed by faster songs and as Bradley spins and twirls him, he can feel the tension in his shoulders slipping away with each beat of the music.

                The music and the dancing force his mind to focus on being in the present, it’s exactly what he needed, unable to think about… no. Impossible. That cannot be Maverick standing at the side watching. He’s not prepared. This is his safe space damn it.

                “Maverick. What are you doing here?”

                “I’m here to see Bradley. My godson.”

                “Hey Mav…”

                Oh fuck.

                Of course Bradley and Maverick know each other. He’d forgotten that. When he’d first started coming to lessons years ago Bradley hadn’t been the owner, just one of the instructors. He likes Bradley, enjoys his sense of humor, he’s intelligent and of course, an excellent dancer. He knew in an academic way that there were ties between him and Admiral Kazansky, and now Maverick. There goes his safe space and the tension in his shoulders has returned ten-fold.

                “What are you doing here?” Maverick asks and Beau resists the urge to snap what does it look like? He is a mature and reasonable adult. He might need to repeat that a couple of times.

                “Dancing. It’s good stress relief.”

                If only the source of most of his stress wasn’t standing right in front of him.

…            …            …

                Silence is suspicious.

                When he has Maverick under his command silence is more than suspicious, it’s damning evidence that something is wrong. He walks the base and cannot find them, then he stops by the administration desk to find out that they’ve gone to the beach.

                What in the ever loving…

                Deep breaths.

                He steps onto the beach, sees Maverick pulling a shirt on and he steels himself for dealing with whatever it is that’s he’s about to have to deal with. Who the hell knows? Definitely not him.

                “Sir.”

                “What is this?”

                “This is dog fight football… Offense and defense at the same time.”

                “Who’s winning?”

                “I think they stopped keeping score a while ago…”

                “This detachment still has some training to complete Captain. Every available minute matters.”

                “Yes sir.”

                “So why are we out here playing games?”

                “You said to create a team, sir. There’s your team…”

                God he hates that Maverick is right, can’t even think of anything to say and just turns and walks away. Has to trust that Admiral Kazansky knows what he’s doing, and that Maverick also somehow, knows what he’s doing. It’s infuriating. He walks up the steps and takes a seat opposite Penny, doesn’t lay his head down on the table and bang it despite the urge to do so.

                “Penny.”

                “Beau. Heard you’ve got Pete under your command…”

                He snorts, because directing Maverick is like expecting a jellyfish to follow directions and then getting stung for your troubles.

                “He’s infuriating.”

                “That he is. But he sure looks good while he annoys everyone doesn’t he?”

                As if he can hear them talking about him Maverick turns toward them, shades his eyes and then waves. Penny waves back and Beau wonders if it’s too early for a drink. Penny looks at him, calculating look in her eye and Beau feels exposed.

                “Drink?”

                He shakes his head, because he’s already put his liver through enough and today isn’t even that damning. He’ll save it for when he really needs it, because he suspects he’s really going to need it in the coming few days and weeks.

…            …            …

                “Admiral Kazansky sir.”

                He gets a gentle nod of greeting. He knows that Admiral Kazansky is sick, that he had cancer and that it’s come back. He also knows that the man is a stubborn and scary motherfucker and if anyone was going to continue working until the very end then it will be him. Even if he could, he would never try and tell the other man what to do.

                “I was after some advice sir.”

>>OF COURSE.

                “Maverick, sir.”

                Admiral Kazansky is now coughing, but Beau is pretty sure it’s due to the fact that the other man is laughing at him.

                “I’m glad you find the situation amusing sir.”

                He gets a hand wave and a marginally apologetic look.

>>YOU ARE ONE IN A LONG LINE OF PEOPLE WHO HAVE COME TO ME ASKING FOR ADVICE ON HOW TO DEAL WITH MAVERICK.

                “Sir. You do realize you have Caps Lock on?”

>>Oh. Sorry.

>>What do you want help with exactly?

                “How do you… trust him?”

>>He saved my life. He’s a damned fine pilot.

                “He’s a liability.”

                Admiral Kazansky shakes his head.

>>You’re pronouncing legend wrong.

                “Tom.”

>>Sorry. Just…

>>Yes he takes risks. But they are calculated risks and he is very experienced.

>>I trust him with my life.

>>I trust him with the lives of all twelves of those aviators.

>>He is the best chance we have of success.

…            …            …

                The funeral is somber as most funerals tend to be. He knows Maverick and Admiral Kazansky were close. There were rumors that they were maybe something more, but the rumors he’s heard about Maverick could fill several carriers and he doesn’t have time to figure out which ones are based in truth and which ones are completely fanciful. Regardless of it all he’s faced with twelve aviators incapable of flying the route, all thinking it impossible within the parameters Maverick has laid out.

                He needs a new tack.

…            …            …

                “Who the hell is that?”

                “Maverick to range control. Entering point Alpha. Confirm green range.”

                “Uh, Maverick, range control, uh, green range is confirmed. I don’t see an event scheduled for you, sir.”

                “Well, I’m going anyway.”

                “Nice,” Lieutenant Trace murmurs under her breath and Beau bites his tongue.

                “Setting time to target: Two minutes 15 seconds.”

                “2:15? That’s impossible.”

“Final attack point. Maverick’s inbound.”

                He can see that Maverick is already up to speed when he hits the green zone and he finds himself holding his breath, hoping. The tension in the room grows with every second ticking past and they can all hear Maverick as he maneuvers his plane in the sharp turns to navigate the simulated valley walls.

                “Damn,” Seresin mutters and Beau finds himself silently agreeing.

                Damn indeed.

…            …            …

                He wants them to survive.

                He wants them to believe that they can survive.

                He has to ignore the fact that Maverick stole a plane. Again. Probably ruined it beyond all repair if he’s being honest. Again. But… and it’s a big but, however it’s an important one. He showed it could be done and now there are twelve aviators brimming with excited anticipation about trying something that is near-impossible, but not actually impossible. Rather than facing it with resigned acceptance that they’re definitely going to die, Maverick has handed them each a careful fragile butterfly of hope.

                He can’t believe he’s going to risk his career like this. Wonders if this is what Admiral Kazansky felt every time he put his neck out for Maverick. Except when he considers where Admiral Kazansky ended up, COMPACFLT, then maybe his trust in Maverick was never unfounded.

…            …            …

                God he wishes Maverick wouldn’t call them miracles.

                The more he listens to Maverick talk the more he feels sick. It’s a suicide mission and he hates that he’s part of it, even with their renewed hope he knows Maverick cares about them all and wants to fly it not because of his ego, but because if he can stop one of the others from going and maybe dying, then that’s what he will do. The G-lock and bird strike made Beau realize just how much Maverick cares and he finds himself liking that about him.

                He didn’t think he’d come to like Maverick.

…            …            …

                His hopes have been steadily building, he wants them all home. Loosing people under his command is never easy, and fucking Maverick has him believing that he might get them all home safe. It’s gone from a certainty of losing someone, the mission failing, everyone dying… all nightmares. Instead he has belief. He doesn’t know whether to punch him or kiss him. The idea of kissing him is a new one, but he’s got years of practice at squashing and ignoring those thoughts, pretending they don’t exist at all.

                “Are you okay Captain?

                “Of course. Never better.”

…            …            …

                “Come home safely.”

                He repeats the words in his head like a mantra, a prayer and demand all wound into a tight ball in his gut as he listens as the Daggers each announces their ready status.

                “Send them.”

                He can feel sweat trickling down his spine.

PART TWO

[raven-at-the-writing-desk]

an observation

YOU KNOW WHAT 😭 Rollo’s even more neurotic than I initially thought he was, and now I’m realizing it may be a coping mechanism for his trauma… If you think about, there’s a clear pattern in his behaviors: they all amount to maintaining a strict and methodical routine:

Keeping things clean, to the point where he rises before sunlight every day and climbs up the stairs to clean and ring the Bell of Salvation. This must be something he has been doing for a LONG time, which is how he got those very noticeable dark circles under his eyes.

On the subject of keeping things clean, there is an instance of Rollo letting his facade slip and getting mad when a goat (an animal, which he considers unhygienic) comes close to him and tries chewing on his robes. This indicates (at least to me) that he can react negatively when his ideas of cleanliness are not adhered to. The outbursts are not always loud or violent; other instances of disgust are indicated by him holding his handkerchief over his nose.

Rollo specifically cites that he likes the Bell of Salvation and wishes that more things were like it. It rings when it should and it is silent when it should be, and “nothing is […] more appropriate and certain.”

Eats the exact same lunch 24/7, 365 days of the year (2 croissants, 16 grapes, and 1 cafe au lait). I presume he must have similar restricted menus for his other meals as well.

Rollo extols the virtues of a strict routine, which helps him abstain from “unnecessary desires” and recommends that others do the same.

Buys the same plain white paper and envelope set all the time, even when the vendor offers him a better deal.

Man absolutely LOSES IT when a goat tries to eat his stationary; this implies that he may have struggles coping with changes to what he is normally used to, or just general disruptions to his routine.

He seems bothered by the idea of abandoning a task he has set his mind to, even if the task annoys him (like tending to all the gargoyles).

Rollo is very strict in general about keeping to a schedule.

This one is more open to interpretation, but he chooses to communicate via letters instead of via social media or e-mail, even though he clearly lives in a time period where he could easily access electronics. This implies to me a fixation on the past and older ways of doing things rather than adapting to what’s new and modern (though Rollo also says this is a method to avoid careless wording).

He openly states he likes to keep things orderly and consistent.

Routines are familiar. Routines are safe. There is a comfort to be found in that sense of sameness. Maybe Rollo feels content retreating to order because it’s preferable to leaving himself vulnerable to chance, to the wiles of the world that may have no mercy on him just like it had no mercy for his brother… Something he couldn’t predict or plan for, something he was totally powerless to stop… 😭 But meanwhile, there’s a certainty in the ability to control his activities, a comfort to relying on the same events to play out every day…

Those are just some musings I had! 🤡 I’ve been stewing in the new Rollo content and obsessively reviewing it the last several hours, squeezing what juices I can from it…

[thekatea]

“You can always be on the receiving end.”

"Secret Relationships" review (LONG!) - Finished watching 20.03.2025

To say I was impressed is an understatement. I am honestly shocked how well this story was presented, acted and developed for how short it was. It was engaging from the beginning till the end. It completely took over my life for a month. I am not ashamed to admit, this will be a full on positive analysis of the unforgettable story. I will point out some minor flaws I have seen, but for making me this obsessed, I cannot care for them too much.

This is a great presentation of how external circumstances can shape a person. How one can be a perpetrator without being a victim first, be a victim and become the perpetrator, and sometimes just be the victim who tries to free themselves out of the abuse. How one cannot be saved from toxic relationships, they need to leave them willingly. How our current situation is not always our fault, but it is our responsibility.

I appreciate so much that Da On did not fall under either a submissive shy mouse, nor a chaotic victim who acts with no reason. I loved how he did try to set boundaries, sometimes he managed to, sometimes he failed. He knew the limits of how much he can do without putting himself in harm's way. There was a clear pattern to his behavior - he was more willing to say no to Su Hyeon in public, than in private. He set boundaries and when the situation escalated, he gave in. Yes, him not being straightforward was frustrating to watch, but that’s life. Su Hyeon had too much power over Da On’s life. There was too much trauma associated with his aggressive behavior to move past it quickly. Leaving an abusive relationship takes time, learning how to set boundaries has to be learned. It’s a process.

Even with limited length, they were able to explain the context of Da On’s life. Being neglected, living in a toxic environment, feeling like he has to carry too much responsibility from a young age, being ridiculed for being poor, isolated from others by Jae Min, attacked and abused, and on top of that abandoned by the person he liked. He did not know what it means to be in a healthy relationship. Or what is an appropriate behavior. He was simply groomed by Jae Min - to trust him only, alone with no other relations. Being groomed for 11 years has a massive impact on you, and you cannot just cut these people off like it’s not a big deal. Even if they do something awful, traumatic, scary - they have been part of you and your life. Da On acting like that was annoying, but it was not lazy writing. People wanted him to go from victim to a completely healthy person with proper coping mechanisms right away, and were frustrated when it did not happen.

Out of all the scenes, the one that truly got me a bit confused was when Da On willingly left the building and got into Su Hyeon’s car just to avoid Seong Hyeon. This scene was weirdly constructed and contradictory. They were really clear Da On wanted to have nothing to do with Su Hyeon… but then he put himself in the position to be with him alone with no valid external reason.

I also lowered my rating from a perfect 10 to 9.5 because of that presentation. That scene was more psychotic than anything Jae Min did in the whole show. After being kidnapped and almost killed, witnessing the man he loves stabbed, having his face smeared with blood… He went and did the presentation. What the actual fuck.

That said, except for these two moments, while his actions were frustrating, they were cohesive, they made sense in the context of the show and who he was as a character, they were believable. I will die on this hill if needed, but I do believe Da On was not a weak person nor weak character. And here comes the compliments for Kim Jun Seo’s acting. I cannot believe this was his first role. To be able to present so much vulnerability and deep emotions, while also showing determination and strength. The duality!

Then we have the toxic and the psycho - Su Hyeon and Jae Min. Can we appreciate that we got two completely different and distinctive versions of different abusive relationships thanks to these characters? We really got a deep dive on what can go wrong between two people. Be it constant criticism and belittlement, psychical violence and intimidation, excessive jealousy and controlling behavior, lack of respect and boundaries that Su Hyeon presented, or lies and deception, emotional manipulation and gaslighting, unhealthy dependence and isolation that we saw with Jae Min. They are both toxic, they are both unhealthy, even if they are vastly different.

I know people love to have a soft spot for Su Hyeon, mostly because of his rather tough upbringing in a psychotic family and how he was not as aggressive in the flashbacks. I get it. But the fact is - there is nothing redeemable about him in the present timeline and I strongly believe even without Jae Min in the picture, he would still turn violent at some point. Why? Because from the start the issue was not Jae Min, but Su Hyeon’s complete lack of emotional maturity and emotional regulation. If it’s not Jae Min, he would snap because of his family. If not the family, he would snap if Da On would not be able to handle the constant micromanagement, jealousy and possessiveness. Su Hyeon does not know how to deal with negative emotions and frustration, they always lead to anger and aggression.

Yes, the flashbacks were great. I agree that the library scene with him pinning Da On on the desk and the chat about the ring was great. But putting it into the context of who his character is and how he behaved - this is way too little for me to see him as a right person for Da On. Or anyone if I must be honest. Maybe a “hot date” with a psychiatrist. Can he get better? Yes. But that would require a lot of work. To be honest, I did not want him to be redeemable, but the last episode changed my mind a little bit. I struggled with seeing what could possibly happen for me to believe he might change. But with how psychopathic Jae Min became, I think the shock of that situation could potentially be enough to make Su Hyeon do 180.

On the other hand I believe Jae Min cannot get better. The difference for me between Su Hyeon and Jae Min is why they act the way they do. Su Hyeon had bad tendencies that were reinforced by his environment - he learned a lot of negative actions from his aggressive father. As far as I see it, Jae Min’s natural negative tendencies were actually held back by his environment. The advantages of acting good and not going full psycho were strong enough to keep him in check. Let’s be honest, if he grew up in the same environment that Su Hyeon did, by university age he would be a serial killer.

And that’s when I knew the one that kidnapped Da On was Jae Min. Because it’s not something Su Hyeon would be capable of doing. Not that he wouldn’t want to, he just couldn’t. Su Hyeon would never go full psycho, because he still has many things that limit him and things he fears - especially his family and his father. He acted out as much as he could with the external restrictions he had.

On the other hand the only restrictions Jae Min had were the ones he placed on himself. He acted as this model teacher, great friend, cool hyung - perfect man, because it was advantageous for him. He controlled himself, because it was worth it. But when he lost control over Da On, keeping that perfect persona was useless, he let go of all the restrictions he placed on himself, and now nothing was stopping him from going full loco.

And when Jae Min went full loco, he truly did not hold back. What glorious moments these were. I am amazed with Kim Ho Young’s acting. You watch him act and you understand why people believed his fake personality. But you also truly see how out of control he is when the hell breaks loose. Whenever it was his nice act, or the chaotic outburst - they were acted perfectly.

Cha Jung Woo did not do worse. Truth to be told, the whole cast did an amazing job. Kim Su Hyeon was such an annoying character, and yet even I saw the charm he had during some scenes. I could understand why Da On fell for him. And the last episode? Outstanding.

While these character had many differences there was one thing that they had in common - they wanted to own Da On, claiming they love him. Love and obsession are different though. Neither of them truly cared about Da On, his feelings, happiness, life, well-being. All that mattered was to possess him. They both believed it would be better to have him in their life broken (or dead), than set him free. From the start they kept using terms like “What I want”, “What I lost” - indicating they saw Da On not as a person, but as a thing they wanted to possess.

And that’s when Seong Hyeon shows up. And you know what I love about this character? That he makes mistakes. That he is not in fact this perfect green flag with no flaws. He is a human being with his own feelings that also get hurt. He sometimes reacted emotionally, childish even. And that’s what made him real. Because of these moments when he acted more selfish, when he did something without thinking - that’s what made his character more interesting.

While he had a lot of great personality traits like being helpful, kind, patient, mature when dealing with setting boundaries, and confident, he also had many relatable flaws. He was childish and pity when he thought someone was not following certain social norms he deemed important. Sometimes he regretted saying something, sometimes he regretted taking actions. And then at times he regretted backing off.

One of the aspects of his character I found the most fascinating was his ability to be really flexible in his reactions and behaviors. Depending on the external context, he reacted differently to the situation, but it was all consistent with his motivations and goals. He was more straightforward with Da On when he saw he was in a good “state”, he tried to distract Da On instead if he saw he was exhausted. Even without understanding the reasons behind Da On’s state, he was really good at reading his emotions and acting accordingly.

What separates him from Jae Min and Su Hyeon is the fact he knows how to love and how to receive love. How to care for people and receive that help. How to view relationships as mutual support and not transactions. For Seong Hyeon it is not “I want”, but “Can I?”. Can I stay with you? Can I hold your hand? While Jae Min and Su Hyeon try to control Da On, Seong Hyeon gives Da On the choice. He asks instead of stating. While Jae Min and Su Hyeon said they want to be with Da On, Seong Hyeon asks if he can stay with Da On. Yes, he is persistent in his approach, but there is something gentle about it. Rather than forcing himself and his presence, it seems more like a reassurance that he is willing to wait, to fight for Da On, to be there for him. Reminder that he is waiting and still there, whenever Da On is ready.

One thing I feel like Seong Hyeon and Su Hyeon share is the fact they are rather emotionally expressive. The difference? Seong Hyeon is expressive, but in control of his emotions and how he expresses them, while Su Hyeon is completely lost in his emotions and has no control over them. Then Jae Min is not expressive, but also in control of his emotions (until he is not… oops).

Here sadly comes one issue I had writing wise - the non-consensual kiss between him and Da On, and the aftermath of it. Truth to be told, I was not even “angry” at the writer for including the kiss. As I said, I love the fact that Seong Hyeon fucks up from time to time, and this was one of these cases. There was no excuse for that kiss to happen and then continue with Da On being this drunk. But while I can understand what led to it happening, the fact that it was not once addressed later on kind of annoyed me. He apologized for wrong things. It’s less a character fault, but more cultural norm fault though.

Now, Cha Sun Hyung’s acting. I still cannot get over how he switched from Puppy to Guard Dog depending on the scene. The way he was able to present that golden retriever energy, but without looking dumb and silly that often happens with characters like him. He still looked mature, strong and confident.

For the general writing, directing and editing:

I really liked the structure. I think the placement of the flashbacks was perfect. The way they were cut in just the right places to give some information, but also mislead us as viewers. The way they made it seem like Da On liked Jae Min in the past, just to reveal it was Su Hyeon. Or who Su Hyeon attacked and why. They just cut the scenes smartly. How much we want to show, how much we want to confuse the viewers - all seemed like deliberate choices, carefully crafted.

Was the “borderline childhood connection” needed? No. I honestly dislike that so much. This was just… unnecessary and added nothing to the show for me.

I’m not going to lie, I am more of the internal analyzer of the bigger picture and the context, than someone who looks for details and symbolism. So to truly appreciate the production, I had to do some research, because I simply do not pay that much attention to things that are in fact important.

Let’s start with the fact the drama was more or less color coded for specific characters (Da On - yellow, Su Hyeon - green, Jae Min - pink, Seong Hyeon - blue). The scenes for the characters were actually often light in a specific color hue. Even in the intro scene with Da On and Jae Min they used this peach pinkish hue, the scene where Su Hyeon attacked the guy with the bottle was yellowish-green. The color flipped only between Da On and Seong Hyeon. Da On’s narration had a blue background, and the scene between Seong Hyeon and Da On had the yellow/orange warm tone from the setting sun. Am I reading too much, or was it a deliberate choice to hint who the end game is? Who knows, I like to pretend it was all planned and hype myself more about why I love this drama.

Colors aside, they also really did a good job with just the lights and the warmth of it. Perfect example - the scene when Su Hyeon dragged Da On away to his apartment, leaving Seong Hyeon behind. The part of the corridor with Su Hyeon and Da On is cold and dark, while where Seong Hyeon is staning it has this warm orange light.

Then we have the symbolism of chess connected to Jae Min - how from the start it was hinted (for some less, for some more obvious), how he was the mastermind behind it all, how he manipulated both Su Hyeon and Da On for years. How he was the one controlling the situation.

Also, extremely random thought, but white is such a psychopath color, so the fact Jae Min was the only one wearing the white outfit in the intro is just cherry on top. And how it had a comeback when he completely lost his marbles in the last episode. Greatly appreciated.

Overall, what a fucking ride. I get it. This drama had flaws. It was not some high budget production, but the way it won my heart is illogical. One could say I was in a completely toxic and dependent relationship with it for the past month. I’m Da On - blind to flaws the same way he was blind to all these red flags.

[recovering-radqueers]

Myths about self-care graphic by Mymindoasis.com

Text from the blog post under the cut:

Self-care is NOT an indulgence

While there’s absolutely nothing wrong with indulging or pampering yourself once in a while, there is more to self-care than bubble baths and face-masks. It is easy to trivialise and write-off self-care by focusing only on the indulgence. Meaningful self-care involves not just the easy, fun things. More importantly, it includes making mindful changes in patterns of thoughts and behaviours that do not contribute to your wellbeing. For instance, saying no without feeling guilty, knowing when to take a break or avoiding harmful coping mechanisms.

Self-care is NOT selfish

Brené Brown, in her book The Gifts of Imperfection writes: “In a society that says, “Put yourself last,” self-love and self acceptance are almost revolutionary.”  Self-care is not a disregard for others’ needs. It is extending the same concern and empathy for your needs that you offer others. Practicing self-care by enforcing healthy boundaries and communicating your needs is not only essential for yourself, but also makes you more available for those around you. When you make time for yourself and get sufficient rest & exercise, you feel more energetic and will be able to do more - for yourself as well as for those around you.

Self-care is NOT a one-time experience

Going on a spa day and treating yourself poorly for the rest of the week is not self care! Looking after your most basic physical and emotional needs is not a one-time luxury. It is an ongoing practice in building resilience to face hardships and in preventing burnout. To put it simply, self-care is not optional! To make the most out of self-care, it is essential to have a regular practice that is a part of your life and not something you try only when you are about to have a breakdown.

Self-care is NOT time consuming

So many people around me – including friends, family and clients, insist: “I just don’t have the time for it!” Despite acknowledging the benefits and necessity of self-care, some people refrain from making it a practice. Given how busy everyone is these days, it is understandable that you hesitate to commit your time. However, I want you to know that self-care does not require you to take out a huge chunk of time from your busy day. Self-care is practicing loving kindness towards yourself, every day, all the time.  

What does it mean to have a regular self-care practice?

Having a self-care practice means that you choose to explore your needs through regular reflection and make appropriate changes to meet these needs. Becoming aware of your needs (which include multiple facets such as mind, body, relationships) is the first step in learning to make self-care a priority. Simple practices such as journaling, meditation, mindfulness and a number of other creative ways can help you begin this reflection. Setting aside a few minutes everyday – perhaps just before going to bed or having a meal – goes a long way in staying committed to the practice and making it an integral part of your life.

In addition to the time you set aside for reflection, prioritising self-care includes:

Accepting that it’s OK to have needs

Allowing yourself to be tired

Allowing yourself to make mistakes

Looking after your body by nourishing it and including some form of physical movement in your routine

Giving yourself the room to practice healthy boundaries

Expressing yourself clearly and without guilt

Staying connected with people, places and activities that make you feel good

Making room for regular self-care in your life has a number of benefits. It helps to build resilience, prevents burnout, promotes healthier relationships and makes you more productive.

How to create a sustainable self-care plan?

Self-care is essential for a wholesome, balanced life. Since self-care is an ongoing practice, you need to work on a plan that is sustainable in the long run.

Start small

You don’t have to make sweeping or overwhelming changes to start practicing self-care. Start with small changes and additions to your routine. If setting aside 30 minutes every day seems impossible right now, try beginning with 10 minutes for the first week and gradually increase. Remember, self-care is less about what you do and more about how you treat yourself.

Experiment

Each person is different and has unique needs, so there is no one-size-fits-all plan that will work for everyone. To figure out which practices work best for you, try a variety of things. When you experiment, you will gain clarity about what fits your life and routine. Make a list of activities you find helpful.

Intentional practice

If you want to build a sustainable self-care plan, it is important to be actively engaged in the practices you try. Pay attention to how it makes you feel. What is the outcome? What do you like/dislike about it?

Here are some suggestions to get you started with a self-care plan:

Pause and check-in with yourself before getting out of bed

Practice slow, deep breathing

Start writing a journal

Create something (draw, paint, cook, sculpt, collage)

Stretch when you take a break

Put your phone/tablet away for an hour

Take a walk

Call a friend

Drink lots of water

Get enough sleep

Practice saying no

Reconnect with a hobby

Spend time outdoors

Follow a guided meditation

Join a support group

Make a gratitude list

Look for opportunities to laugh

Read a book

Visit your doctor for a check-up

Plan going out with friends/family

if you need step-by-step instructions on how to do any of these things above, send us an ask here and we'll help! -mod charlie

[alchemicalterror]

Don't know if this got asked already (I tend to mostly look at the art on here due to reading attention issues) but what made fear your muse as opposed to similar primal feelings like anger or lust? Was there something specific about it that sets it apart from the rest of the emotional experience spectrum? (feel free to just link to the explanation if it already exists, sorry to bother if so)

I have answered it before, yes, but if reading makes your head spin, I can make it nice and simple:

Everything you want is on the other side of fear.

To give a more nuanced answer, however.... See below.

Fear is one of the two fundamental emotions of the human soul, the two driving forces that compels us to do anything, the other being love. Anger, hatred, despair, joy, all the more complicated emotional states of humanity boil down into being some combination of Love and Fear.

Folks generally have a bad relationship with their fear response, however. They malign it, and don't see it as the survival tool that it is, and when it is ignored, pushed away, and wrongfully indulged, it becomes bad coping mechanisms and neurotic, knee-jerk behaviors instead of a tool with which we measure our lives and our place within it.

Fear, when appropriately weighed against other things, can make sure that we are safe, we are happy, and we are where we want to be - and it will tell us what is too valuable to lose, what we will fight tooth and nail for.

If I can help folks become comfortable with their fear, sit with it, come to understand it as the foundational emotion that it is... I think we'll all be better for it, collectively.

Just because something scares you, doesn't mean you need to lash out. It means it oughta be examined. Fear isn't something we, as people need to avoid; but it is something that we should strive to better comprehend, because growing comfortable with discomfort allows us to push ourselves to reach for things that we might not have found possible, otherwise.

[borisbubbles]

Eurovision 2024: #32

32. THE NETHERLANDS Joost Klein - "Europapa" 26th place (Disqualified)

Decade ranking: 120/153 [Above Ochman, below Andrew Lambrou]

Yeah, #NotForMe. Don't like the blue chicken, don't like the awful murine clickbait faces, don't like how he tried appropriating Käärijä's legacy for his own benefit. In fact, there's a lot I don't like about Joost Klein. Get used to it. Feelings are mixed but they are trending towards the NEGATIVE.

The face of a man I want to trap inside a garbage truck.

What is funny to me though, is that I certainly could have liked "Europapa" if the Dutch hadn't made certain decisions. I have to remain honest. My ranking, my rules, my lack of taste. It didn't work for me.

The song's not without merit though. It's a fun eurodance number at a glance. "Europapa" works best when you hear it live after a few drinks and blurt along with its lyrics. It's an EXCELLENT concert and streaming entry, whipping up a good time out of thin air with few pretences.

As a Eurovision entry though... eh. It tried to be a lot of other things: A tribute to his dead parents, an introspective unspooling of his mental health, a spoof, a meme, a middle finger to society, like all at once? It has that Subwoolfer-like quality of straight men in a mancave brainstorming on how what a Eurovision entry looks like: stupid nonsense. How does that work? The answer to that is "barely", and only if you take it at face value.

The song is not really about Joost dead's father and his world view. That ... I think... is deliberate false advertisement. It's not untrue, but presenting it as the sole truth is a deception. If you delve into the song, you'll find that it's a little bit more complex (and less wholesome) than that.

Verse 1 is about desperately running away from your problems (Joost naming all of the destinations, clawing at people for money, having lost everything but time) and verse 2 tackles validation, desperately craving it and yet not feeling sated. "Europapa" is a coping mechanism first and a song second. It's a deep dive into Joost's inner workings and his soul, but one that exposes him as insecure and vulnerable and putting up a front of irreverence as a mask to the outer world. As per the second verse:

"I'm running from myself, I'm crying out for help - I even give people loads of money and there's nobody who gives me aid [...] turn the radio on, I hear Stromae's "Papaoutai" I won't stop [feel satisfied] until they say "yeah, he [Joost] is doing well, eh?"

Now, this is actually... not a bad thing. It proves that "Europapa" is authentic and has surprising complexity and layers. That's what distinguishes it positively from Finland, which is hollow and cringe.

The problem with the emotions is that they clash with the rest of the song?

Fewer sentiments kill the party mood quite AS hard as one of "Are you feeling alright? 😨 Is everything OKAY?😨 should I call a therapist?" 😨". For me it defo kills the vibe. I don't want to END a fun party song with concern for the singer's wellbeing. The fact that Joost is cishet and therefore incapable of talking about his feelings and yet PUT THESE VERBALIZED EMOTIONS IN PLAIN VIEW IN HIS EUROVISION SONG is enough to set the alarm bells ringing.

Of course it could have worked if the live got it right, but um lol. Let's be honest here: The live was BAD. It was INTENDED to be So-Bad-It's-Good, sure, because that's the only way cishets know to do camp. I don't mind a spoof of a 2008 joke act. It just was... performed and staged so poorly it became the thing it intended to parody.

You sir, are NOT Käärijä.

The best parts of the entry (the emotional complexity and the hak break) are completely washed away by a combination of the awful clickbaity faces, TERRIBLE vocals (the post-chorus "EUROs" in literal Cookie Monster Voice are amongst the ugliest sounds anyone created for Eurovision), nightmare fuel visuals and that ghastly, ghastly outro.

Actually, about that outro. That is what made me turn against Joost. It's the WORST section of ANY song this year. It's the combination of whiplashing from extreme rapture into literal mourning at the drop of a pin (which is kind of... really icky human behaviour when you think about it) with pushing it down our throats by including it in the recap. Make The Guillible Cry With Cheap Emotional Manip, it's not a tool exclusive to Israelis.

And you CAN actually blame this intrusive display of emotional expoitation squarely on Joost because he's a known perfectionist and therefore must have planned the execution of the outro the moment he and his cronies decided to include it in the song.

It did tie the ending together alright. But because it wasn't a showing of personal growth, or strength or accomplishment, which it could have been, it did not align with the rest of the song. Instead it underlined that Joost hasn't moved on and is hopelessly stuck in the past, desperate for validation.

Instead of underlining the cheerful, fun aspect of Europapa it instead brought my attention the dark, emotionally disturbing bits as the last thought, and that ultimately is what killed it for me. The song is a cry for help, which is nothing to be cheerful about.

Aaaaand that's the opinion on the song and the live performance. But we're not done yet because I must address what came after that. 🙄

So, let's tackle the press conference first. Zero complaints about that. I was annoyed with Joost before due to how desperately he tried to push himself as "Käärijä's" successor and fabricated his own PR campaign on TikTok (DIE TikTok), but his behaviour at the PC made me do a complete 180 on him. Him shooting pure unfiltered truth pellets at the EBU and Eden with no regard for the consequences was fucking GLORIOUS. All the things he said needed to be said and were said without a filter. It was pure oxygen and precisely what we all needed to hear, spoken because of its TRUTH and not for clout.

Then, the disqualification. It was 'a valid DQ' purely from a rules perspective but come on now. This was not a DQ worthy incident. He didn't touch the woman and she deliberately, repeatedly refused to respect his privacy despite multiple warnings AND an agreement he made with the EBU. How has this even been reported as a 'crime'? He APOLOGIZED profusely to the lady in question and she refused to hear him and called the police on him. Sometimes you just have the misfortune of running into a Karen on a bad day. And given how riddled with tension this year's backstage was, every day of rehearsals was a bad day for everyone involved.

The DQ went through because the EBU can't fucking clear up the slightest inconvenience. By the time the police became involved, there was no turning back, and they were forced to DQ as per their bureaucracy. The rest is backpedaling.

Both of these things made me feel more sympathetic towards Joost as a person. At the end of the day he's a deeply troubled, complex, tragic figure who (barely) functions on copium and is really terrible at expressing his true feelings and the events surrounding his DQ check out with that. He needs support from those who love him (and enter therapy.) The other delegations taking his side (other than ofc KUN(ts)), is a wholesome signal and proves that Europe can be United By Music even when it is Divided By Politics first. If this disqualification is what leads to some much-needed overhauls for next year (ideally the sacking of Österdahl, the cancellation of the MorroccanOil sponsorship and KAN's expulsion, in any order), I will gladly accept Joost's role in that as the proverbial sacrifce that needed to be made.

Ironically, it was the disqualification that made me realize I shouldn't bump Joost higher out of sympathy for his personality. I didn't miss Europapa on Saturday and barely noticed its absence. The results in the Grand Final were great, specifically because Switzerland won and Croatia beat Israel in the televote. If Joost competes, Swizterland and Croatia's TVs go down in western Europe, while Israel is still top five (since she beat Joost in the semi). He also shoves Bambie out of their serendipitous 6/6/6 placements to boot.

That realization is why I need to eliminate him NOW and not later down the road. I don't care for the song as a Eurovision entry, I DISLIKE the live performance and his presence could have made the results worse for me. Easy elimination at this stage.

Those that care about "Europapa" can keep singing its praises and should. Joost will need and shall appreciate the support after this nightmare Eurovision.

Ultimately though, I am not of his fans.

THE RANKING

[canines4cole]

"come and be with us. have some fun, it's holy!" — the baccahe

i feel so alive! the cult of dionysus keeps me going. drunken ecstasy and theatrics dance on my skin. i found my purpose ever since lord dionysus gave me it

cole HE/THEY transmasc, bisexual devout follower of lord dionysus, very awkwardly social | early 20s

have a drink! come on and dance with me! oh— that's not what you're here for? you have questions instead, and they're for me? well, i'm not stopping you from asking them, though what do you see in me?

quarter nymph, quarter satyr, and half human. has goat horns, ears and tail sectoral heterochromia! both brown, left eye is partly purple

nonetheless, whatever your motive! I'd love to talk, you take what you can get, you know? though before you do so I suggest you read the rules and extra info listed under the cut ↓

TW : this blog will contain topics of neglect, substance abuse and unhealthy coping mechanisms, SH and SUI, and cannibalism. everything will be tagged and trigger warning appropriately, but proceed with caution

1. be respectful. absolutely NO bigotry is allowed. racism, homophobia, pedophilia, and anything that falls under those umbrellas, go away. you are not welcomed here 2. I don't expect this account to get much attention, but either way. be patient, and do not send the same ask multiple times 3. suggestive content and gore are allowed as long as it isn't graphic. no one wants to see that, especially considering my account is public and there are younger audiences that could see

4. have fun! cole is open to talk to anyone. canon characters, ocs, characters from other aus alike. my DMS are also always open!

quick cole information — originally from thrace, found their way to ithaca. serves a royal family there, not the Ithacan royal family to clarify. as the sun sets however, he finds his way to the section of the dionysian cult that resides in Ithaca.

body is covered in scars and moles, one scar on his face and one mole under his eye— also has top scars! hair is slightly past shoulder length and is a very dark brown, boarder line black color, that has a purple sheen to it. ears and tail match his hair, horns are ivory colored, and he wears gold jewelry.

— 🪻 his sign off

mod information — hey, mod here! you can call me kore THEY/THEM and honestly I don't have that much to say about myself. i'm pretty friendly, and like i said, DMS are always open to talk. just generally or to roleplay, doesn't matter! I don't bite!

— i talk in purple! in posts at least

TAGS : these are the tags i have for now! in all honesty i thought of them on the spot so they may change down the line, and things may be edited and added!

cole and his ramblings #tell me i'm a fraud lore / angst #lover please prepare for my absence general asks #i don't wanna feel better romantic asks #we're gonna build a temple to our love interactions with other accounts #you know where to find me

hecate’s disciple! telemachus #forever if we could

and with that, that should be it! i'll add more if I see fit, but other than that, have some fun with this account! I made it for fun and also because of a telemachus au I began to interact with, so if you're seeing this, hi!

[konako]

Back with another question to chomp on. If Red had known she was a werewolf beforehand. Would she have allowed Snow to stay with her and Granny. And how different would her story be in general?

Welcome back, "anon". I hope you're well. I see you're still thinking about Ruby Lucas. I am glad... 😈

When you say "beforehand", how early are we talking?

Because a huuuuge part of what makes Red recognizable is her constant struggle with her self-worth, confidence and nature. And that comes primarily from her upbringing, which itself is in response to Granny's own fears, trauma and expectations. (wise AUs adapt that exact source, but preserve the effects).

Depending on when you reveal that truth to Red, you can significantly alter Granny's approach to raising her (if at all!), which in turn affect the way Red grows up — physically, emotional, mentally... —, her coping mechanisms and general behavior.

The Wolf — and the power, the danger and the secret of it — is a vital part of Red's personality, (wise AUs preserve the appropriate metaphor...), positioned close to the core of her very self. Changing that might change a lot.

Let us speedrun through some alternate timelines, real quick.

Since I'm NOT the Holder Of Ruby Lucas' Truths (despite what my ramblings could suggest), all of those are my honest guesses — who knows what OUAT could have actually done with her, if things were different?:

Learning the truth as soon as she sprouts into consciousness. It could have prepared her for what would come, as soon as the Wolf manifested itself on her 13th birthday. That would mean enough time to come to terms with her nature, her power and the responsibility to wield it. Knowing she's not human from a young age could further alienate her from her peers and isolate her from the village, before they ever decide to actively chase her out of it. (It could even impact her levels of empathy and sense of community, but that's too dark for this hour, put a pin in that alternate alternate timeline...) Desperate to learn control and keep people safe, she might have set herself the goal to tame the Wolf before it comes into existence, going on a quest for control before she turns 13. She might have pressed Granny for the truth about her mother, and learned she was still alive. She might have gone looking for her, and found a new home within Anita's pack. That means no Snow. So, bad timeline. Next.

Learning the truth on her 13th birthday. Unfortunate timing, but, in Granny's defense, she was waiting to see if Red was in fact a Born Wolf like her mother. She was. So Granny sits her down and tells her the truth. They might have gone to the Wizard (booooo, it's Rumple, shut up, book!) together, asking for a way to keep the Wolf inside. Red gets the cloak. Now knowing what can happen if she doesn't wear it, she's never seen without it. She might have limited her entire existence to that piece of cloth, believing it to be the only thing keeping her from killing her loved ones. She shields herself from the world. Or shields the world from herself. Controlled by fear, she isolates herself and denies herself social interaction in any meaningful way. She keeps her distance and she never gets too personal. That renders her a bigger weirdo and a more tragic loner. Her natural charm, outgoing disposition and friendly manners might have suffered. That means, if she finds Snow, she won't get too close. A better timeline, but still bad.

Learning the truth before she goes out "to kill the Wolf" with her new friend Frosty, Margaret, Mary. Her entire world crumbles. The weight of the many deaths come crashing down on her. Her friend needs to offer her support. She cries, as she sees the future she'd planned with Peter fade away in the shadow of her monstrosity. She feels hopeless. Her new friend encourages her. Granny tells her about the cloak. After the many stages of grief, she finds some strength to keep living a new life. She runs to tell Peter the truth, and she expects him to reject her, hate her, turn her in to the hunters, kill her. Instead, he loves her. And he makes the same promises to her that she would have made to him, if the roles are reversed. He will stay with her, no matter way, always. He would do anything for her. And he will stay with her, for all the nights to come. They leave the village together, daring to face what comes next for them. Peter is alive and Red's main trauma was avoided. You would think this is the best timeline. But Snow can't come along. So booo, still no good.

Phew, that was fun. And not even 100k words!! See? I'm getting better. My Ruby Lucas Affliction is under control— I can't promise that. Anyway, can you think of any other alternate timelines? I encourage you to take on this exercise. It's nice. It might even make for a good fic. Maybe a timeloop? I don't know. I have never thought of that before...........................

Bye.

[sapphic-sex-ed]

hi! So recently I’ve been masturbating more regularly (every few days, with occasional clusters where it happens more often) but I’m on holiday for a week and I promised myself I wouldn’t do anything the whole time. Which I. Uh. Didn’t stick to. I made it 5 days before caving and I’m really mad at myself and kind of scared about how powerless I feel about this. It’s like if I get the idea in my head (and I’m in an appropriate place obvi) there’s hardly anything I can do to stop myself from acting on it. I wouldn’t say it’s interfering with my everyday life directly, but worrying about it is. Should I keep trying to limit myself or is that kind of pointless? Do I need to be worried about an addiction at this stage?

“Addiction” is a misnomer. There’s been a rise lately in talk about porn and masturbation “addictions” that stem from conservative, restrictive views of sex and sexuality. What you describe seems to be a fairly common experience with masturbation. Your libido varies over time (very common), you pleasure yourself in appropriate places, it doesn’t interfere with your life in any negative way, and you aren’t experiencing any physical strain (the same way you would if you exercised too much).

What seems to be your issue is the fear that you “ought” to be behaving differently (masturbating less) and that you “can’t stop”. It can be alarming to read psychiatric or medical descriptions of phenomenon like being unable to stop or seeming forced in an action, but these descriptors are meant for a diagnosing clinician who already has learned what constitutes these things and so knows that “can’t stop” masturbating isn’t merely “getting aroused and then feel a strong urge to masturbate which is difficult not to indulge when in an appropriate setting” but “will masturbate even when the action is detrimental to their health, job/education, and/or social relationships” (which includes being unable to abstain from masturbation even in an inappropriate setting like at a funeral, at work, or among non consenting people, as well as abstaining from work/school to masturbate, masturbating even when the sexual arousal isn’t there, or masturbating when it’s painful).

Furthermore, when masturbation behaviors rise to a level that can be likened to an addiction, “addiction” isn’t the root cause. It can be due to mania, a trauma response/coping mechanism, a way to relieve stress from anxiety or depression, or something similar.

Tl;dr: you seem to be experiencing anxiety and shame rooted in societal views around masturbation which are the core of your concerns as your masturbation habits appear to be within a range considered normal and don’t interfere with your life in any negative manner.

-mod liz