#I was up through the entire night last night dealing with a mental health crisis

[mookybear12404]

For work I helped chaperone a formal university sponsored dance and Idk how these kids do it man. I'm one glass of wine in at 9pm and I'm so sleepy I had to bail. Meanwhile my coworker is still there and apparently there's still kids ENTERING the dance

[donnerpartyofone]

Hello, Sqwincher Zero and I are here to tell you to take this heat wave seriously. I had never heard of Sqwincher Zero before I took this picture with the intention of making fun of its name, but I sure wished I had some later that night. I will not invite you to scrutinize the series of bad decisions that I made yesterday leading up to a serious and avoidable medical emergency, but suffice it to say that none of these decisions were extreme or unusual for a fun grownup weekend. If anything I dialed it back a little, consciously, and I believed I was drinking plenty of water. It wasn't enough. I was feeling fine until I suddenly wasn't. My awareness of being Severely Dehydrated came on very quickly and then the next few hours were a scary nightmare. I am OK this morning and reviewing certain life choices and also our state of emergency preparedness.

I'm an extremely fortunate person. I have access to clean water, good food, and an amazing person who I tricked into marrying me, so someone is there to help me when I can't help myself. I am also in reasonably good health--which perhaps helped lull me into a false sense of security, especially at an age when my health is inevitably, normally changing, but I just haven't been paying that much attention to it.

Last night when things suddenly became very dark, I was struck with the intense and undeniable awareness that I needed emergency intervention. Like I should have called 911. I knew it for a fact. I have never experienced such a thing before. I could not get past the mental block of admitting that I was having an unprecedented physical crisis. Telling my husband to call 911 just seemed too radical. But I thought about it for hours. I even had a whole fantasy like, OK if my husband called 911 what would they ask him? What would they tell him to do? Instead of acting on this I just gave him little instructions one at a time. Let's draw a cold bath, let's move the fan, let's get a bucket, let's get a couple bottles of water, refill them now please. I was thinking very clearly, I was thinking about my temperature, I was monitoring my water intake versus how often I got sick. The one respect in which I was being irrational (besides my series of careless decisions during the day) was that I could not admit that I needed a doctor.

It's really easy to say things like "Don't be a tough guy, take care of yourself," as if the problem is strictly attitudinal. But switching gears into (for lack of a better term) self-care can be extremely psychologically complex. Being macho or too proud is one thing. Being habitually, neurotically afraid to frighten or inconvenience other people, or ashamed of drawing attention to yourself, is another thing. Being self-destructive and passively suicidal is yet another thing, with deep and insidious roots that can affect more things about your behavior than you even know. And finally, acknowledging that you are experiencing the paradigm shift of a Real Emergency, which might require scary and expensive and unpredictable new activities to get you out of it, is a whole other thing entirely. This is going to sound like an exaggerated reference point but whenever a serial killer is caught and people start saying that the spouse "must have known", they're not factoring in how hard it is to accept that your whole reality is changing and everything is very serious now. Even if the evidence was glaring, it would be a lot to process. There's even a thing in the book Interview With the Vampire as I recall, where somebody says it has been no big deal for vampires to hide their existence through the ages because humans will do extreme mental gymnastics to convince themselves that everything is normal. This all is more or less what was happening with me while I was refusing to call 911. I mean I knew that I should, I just couldn't make the leap.

I should say that my poor husband had no idea how bad it was. To him it just seemed like I'd had a little too much fun, and he was being patient and attentive. None of this is on him, I didn't explain things until I was out of the woods. One thing I feel bad about, that I rarely think about even though it's majorly true, is that not taking care of yourself can frequently, inevitably become someone else's problem. It cannot always stay private and contained forever; if you are incapacitated somehow, you will become someone else's chore.

I want to repeat that I didn't do anything that a normal adult wouldn't do on a Friday night. None of my actions were that extreme in and of themselves; I didn't even have alcohol in my system anymore by the time this struck. But I was not factoring in the weather, or my age, or anything like that that would have been important. We don't have an air conditioner at the moment because we have been luxuriating in our new well-ventilated apartment and enjoying the fact that we can survive with just box fans. I radically underestimated the potential consequences of just toughing it out and going about my business. I need to think more carefully about such things, and mentally reorient myself on preparing for emergencies instead of just reacting "if anything comes up". And I should also supplement our first aid supplies with something that isn't just for cuts and colds. I'm lucky I had cold, clean water, but at some point I really needed electrolytes and vitamins, and there was just nothing to be done for it late at night. I have a lot more thinking to do on this general topic, but it's time for me to get up and drink more water. And maybe go buy some Sqwincher Zero.

[creatingnikki]

What 2020 has taught me

1. Those things that seem like content for sci fi or pure fiction are actually things that can happen. To the entire world. Like a pandemic. And to you. Like a seizure.

2. Everyone is sad. Everyone is struggling. In different ways and in different measures. Makes no one special. But you still get to feel sad for yourself and be compassionate towards others. But it's also okay to draw boundaries because you're everyone too. Remember, not special? You're sad and trying to deal with it too.

3. Every job you have will not add value to your life. It will not teach you new things or give you people you'll want to stay in touch with. Sometimes some jobs will only be a season of your life. Even if the season lasts for over a year. It's okay.

4. You know how you thought picking a college and picking a major and picking your first job and picking a specific industry were all the career decisions you had to make? Yeah, no. It's never a one time thing. You could have a job as a marketing strategist for two years and then want nothing to do with it. And then you'll have to make another decision and work towards it. So I'd like to call it moves. It's like chess. You always have to make a move. And it always has to be strategic, yes. But the truth is in your 20s it probably won't. Even if you try. And as long as you're trying, you'll be fine.

5. You may have different sorts of friends like the one you only talk to about kdrama with or the one you met when you went book shopping alone and the friendship is all about books really. That's normal. But irrespective of why and how you became friends with them, if you consider them a friend then there has to be this basic sense of care, respect and empathy for each other. I don't care what people want to say. If you're faced with the worst trauma of your life, the least your friends can do is check up on you regularly. On text. And if they don't even do that then guess what? They aren't friends. They are acquaintances. Social media and quick promises make everyone seem like your friend. But they are not. They are just nice people who will be nice to you for specific periods and then wander away like you are a speck of dust floating in their journey.

6. You speak a lot and write and you express yourself and you’re emotionally mature but oh my god. You still hold in so much. You’ve known that at a subconscious level and over the last year people - experts - have told you that. You have also realized that you make your pain and sadness about pettier things because dealing with them, admitting about them, sharing that with your friends, is easier. You do that so that you don’t have to deal with the real stuff. Because it’s so damn painful. And you don’t know how to do it. Yet. Acknowledging is the first step anyway right? I know you’re confused about how exactly to let go of all this pain and sadness and feel lighter, and you know that talking to people really isn’t the solution, but I also know you’re smart enough to figure it out. 

7. Talking about being smart...you know you’re different than others. Better. Special. Smarter. None of these are the right words. And you never voiced this out until this year because you knew it would make you come across as narcissistic. Some would say it’s because you’re an INFJ. But my mother once said that this may be the first time we are consciously living life but our souls are old and so our instinct and the things we know but can’t explain are because this isn’t the first time for our souls. The connections we feel with certain people, the reason we are so different from our siblings who grew up in the exact same environment with the exact same opportunities, our sense of right and wrong...it’s all because our souls learn and grow with each time and that’s why we are who we are. I think that’s probably how I can explain what I have always felt. That I am living in a different universe than everybody but I have to pretend to be in this one and dumb my emotions and thoughts down. Maybe that’s because my soul has lived through thousands of years while most around me are living their 100th life. Or maybe I’m just narcissistic, who knows?

8. You shift between talking in first person and second person but that’s because that’s how you think in your head and talk to yourself and live your life. You ask yourself things and you accuse yourself of things and you apologize to yourself and you comfort yourself. I think that seeps into your writing and the changing of the voices. 

9. You always genuinely thought that you’d not be afraid of dying. And then what happened this October proved you shockingly wrong. I know it’s not so much being afraid of dying but the unbearable pain of knowing what that would mean to your family. So you have to be more prudent and less reckless with your life and the choices you make. 

10. Regret is not something that plagued you but this year the realisation and pain of giving away your favourite books from your own personal collection to people you care about as a show of affection and them turning out to be ass holes or losers has hit you so hard. So, yes. No more of that shit. I really fucking want my copy of The Perks Of Being A Wallflower back. UGH. With the childhood picture of me inside it! 

11. Sleeping at 5 am in the morning stops being fun or romanticised when you realise just how much harm it does to your body and mind. Literally every single disease and disorder can be traced back to a shitty fucking sleep schedule. It’s not just the hours you sleep but also the quality of sleep and the time you sleep at. So yes sleeping for 8 hours is healthy but not if that 8 hours is from 5 am to 12 pm. ‘Not a morning person’ is just another construct of capitalism and you don’t realise how many industries profit from having you believe that and staying up late or all night. Entertainment. Food. Alcohol. Pharma. Biologically and naturally you are a bloody morning person. And you don’t need 3 cups of coffee to begin your day or your phone notifications to get you to open your eyes and brain to wake up. 

12. Sometimes you really have to stop taking people so seriously. I know the idea of treating people as casual friends or entertainment makes you want to fight that concept but you know what? Some people like Pineapple are ever only going to be good for that. No matter how much they ‘grow and change’. So keep them in the background for whenever you want some entertainment or drama. But please don’t clear up your busy schedule to meet them or send them gifts on their birthday. 

13. If you don’t have the fruit juice or green juice within half an hour of making it then you are losing out on its most optimum health benefits. Or when you remove the white stringy stuff from oranges. That’s where all the actual nutrients are.

14. I am privileged and so are most of the people I interact with. The global pandemic has been hell for a lot of people around the world. Health wise. Financially. Losing people they care about. But I was blessed enough to be safe at home and have a job that I could smoothly do from home and not have a pay cut or 4-hour long Zoom meetings. So honestly when my friends tell me 2020 has been bad I have to stop and ask them why? Yes, the crippling uncertainty and anxiety is not something that can be undermined. But most people I know had very great positive life-changing milestones this year like moving away to another country for college or taking their first solo trip or getting married. So I have to ask them. Because I am not going to agree that everybody’s 2020 and pandemic narrative is the same. 

15. Money gets spent really quickly. When I left my job earlier this year because of personal issues, I thought I had enough savings to last me a year. Full disclosure - I mean to last my personal expenses because I live with my parents. But it didn’t even last me 3 months. And so to use money wisely and buy things that provide utility than instant gratification is something to follow. Also buying one pair of really expensive but quality shoes is better than buying 5 pairs of affordable but low quality shoes that will have a very short life and force you to buy more. I know that higher price doesn’t always mean better quality but sometimes it does. And as an adult now I want to do the whole quality > quantity thing even with things and not just people. 

16. Everyone in their 20s went through a crisis of what they should do with their lives and their careers and it’s not unique to the 21st century and the challenges of today. Whether it was Vincent Van Gogh in the 19th century or Sylvia Plath in the 20th, every single person, as brilliant as them went through the torture of making these decisions and living with their consequences. You may think I picked wrong examples for they both killed themselves but you know what? They were the people who really want to live more than anyone. They knew what life meant. And maybe if mental health help was more accessible back then their lives would be longer and more peaceful. 

17. Telling people everything is overrated. You don’t have to talk about every single thing that’s on your mind or that’s going on in your life. The good and the bad and the mediocre. You have to be mindful about how much of yourself you’re giving away. 

18. Re-watch Suits when people at work feel intimidating because the confidence + negotiation tactics that they show can actually work irl cos at the end of the day no matter in what position you’re dealing with people who have emotions and fears and insecurities and desires. You understand how to leverage that nobody can get the better of you. 

19. You belong to yourself. No matter how much you love someone or how much they have done for you or how much you owe them - you belong to yourself. You can’t live your life for someone else. Everyone belongs to themselves first. No relationship, no promise, no circumstance should make you feel like you have to give up your life and make it all about them. If and when the time comes to die for them, go ahead. Take a bullet. Donate that kidney. Write them in your will. But live your life for yourself. And let them live theirs. 

20. Twenty three was a challenging year. When it started you claimed the age 23 sounds boring and insignificant. Guess it proved you wrong. It hurt so much now. But that only means you’ll look back on it later and see how it added so much wisdom and resilience to your being. It doesn’t mean that it makes all the bad things that happened to you okay. Or that you should be grateful to them. Fuck no. It means that you should be kinder to yourself because at the end of the day, your mind and body find it in themselves to deal with whatever is thrown their way. They have your back. It’s time you learn to sit straight. 

[sexualrevoluti0n]

Long personal vent. Feel free to scroll past.

I was doing really well with self-care and getting my sleep schedule back on track for a week until my partner said he wasn't coming home and I need to find somewhere else to live. Now no matter how early I go to bed, how much I tire myself out, how much herbal tea or calming music and reading I do to help me relax, the second there's nothing going on to distract my brain I just break down in tears or start anxiously planning and looking for solutions to where I could possibly live.

It doesn't matter how exhausted I am, my brain won't let me sleep because I'm worrying so much about being homeless, and grieving a relationship that I don't even know what the status of it is anymore because he doesn't want to communicate about anything, and seems to be reading things I say in a totally different tone in his head to what I'm intending. All I know is that I've got two months to find somewhere new to live, that:

1) accepts people whose only income is benefits WITHOUT a guarantor (lol not likely)

2) isn't more than £500pcm because that's all UC will pay towards housing (ha. Ha ha ha ha ha)

3) is unfurnished

4) is still in this city so I don't lose access to social worker, mental health help, direct payments etc.

I'm also going to need to find at least a grand to pay packers and movers because I can't do that myself, on top of a deposit and at least a month's rent up front. So that's my entire life savings.

And I'm going to need to sell or give away almost everything I own in order to fit into any tiny shitty bedsit universal credit will cover (not that I've even found a single thing yet).

I've been spending 3-4 hours every day just looking for somewhere to live, and there is literally nowhere that meets the criteria, so I'm either going to end up in one of the crisis homeless shelters or couch-surfing. Maybe selling all the furniture would give me enough cash to pay a few months rent upfront instead of having a guarantor, so somewhere might take me on even with only benefits as income?

I don't have the spoons to work out how to sell all of my furniture and belongings, as well as looking for a new place, dealing with my current pain flare-up that's causing my vision to go grey and me to fall over, and trying to tiptoe around my partner's feelings to work out what he wants from this relationship now he's said he wants to live separately. I have time limits on some new expensive items which I could return, but until we've actually been able to have a conversation and make a plan I can't sort those things.

I'm just so anxious and grieving the relationship with the one person who promised he would be here through thick and thin, no matter what, that being in a relationship meant we were in this together and would support each other to find a way through whatever life threw at us.

And now I'm wondering if that was all a lie? It was only a few weeks ago we were talking about all the things we could do to help each other and get through this tough patch since my flashbacks got super frequent after all the parental contact. We talked about couples counselling and I wanted to do that, but then it never got brought up again. I really want to put in the work and become healthier together, and being ignored feels like he doesn't want to do that anymore, but I don't know if I'm reading that wrong because he doesn't want to talk about any of the heavy stuff atm.

I'm just really scared and lost and being ignored and not being told what's happening was one of the problems in our relationship, and something that massively triggers my RSD, and that's the thing he's doing now to get space from the issues.

I only got to sleep last night because I finally gave in and made myself a very strong drink. Don't want to have to resort to that but I need to be able to sleep. It's been 4 hours so far tonight and I'm way more awake than when I came to bed. I listened to meditations, read until I couldn't keep my eyes open, put on gentle music, but the second I stopped my brain was awake again. It's nearly half 1 in the morning and I have to travel to the osteopath in the morning so I need to have slept. Going to go and pour myself another stiff drink so I can hopefully sleep tonight. Maybe in the morning I can ask the GP for an appointment to see about sleeping tablets.

[lavenderbexlatte]

Hello!!! Welcome to 🦋 anon's probably-way-too-overthought analysis on the m&m series in light of the new part. I have stopped crying and had about 24 hours to think, and I have discovered I have many thoughts, and this will probably be way more detailed than it should be.

The first thing I would like to address are some of the accusations Chan made at the end of the most recent part. (While I understand that they're supposed to not quite be accurate because of their obvious root in insecurity, and a lot of what I'm saying may just be like "yeah, obviously," I still would like to tell at the character a bit but I can't so this is what I have.)

Claim #1: "You fucking came at us at that party with your little girl-dom agenda and the guys fell for it, hook line sinker!"

This one's fairly self explanatory, no she didn't. They literally came onto her, even him, with his "There’s that pretty blush," and "Whatever you want it to be," lines. (And while yes, it's very likely that he was just trying to play it cool, but there's no way she could've known that, I'll come back to this later.)

Claim #2: "Nobody fucking asked me what I wanted!" "Nobody asked if I was sure that I wanted…"

Also mostly false, but he does have a tiny bit of a point. Yes, reader did grab his hair without asking, which is a little iffy, but she didn't actually rough with him until he goads her on. But I would argue that the reader is actually the ONLY one who asks him what he wants, if he's okay with things. While there may have been a little bit of discussion on the decision to approach the reader that we didn't see because of perspective (him saying this is kind of telling me that there wasn't, or at the very least not enough, maybe even some pressure for this to be the moment), or maybe Changbin said something while reader is with Jisung on the couch, after that, we don't see Jisung and Changbin check in with him at ALL, and there's not really an opportunity any other time for it just not have been noticed by the reader. As his partners, and the ones in the situation who have the full knowledge of Chan's situation, it should've been their responsibility to make sure he was alright throughout the process, even if they're not the ones in control for this situation, ESPECIALLY if they're going to keep this information from their Domme for the night (which really, I would say, wasn't a good idea, but no one is required to out themselves so I'll leave it alone).

HOWEVER, the reader does check with him, several times. She asks for boundaries/hard limits/etc before they even start anything, and while again, he's not required to say "hey, having a sexuality crisis, first time with a girl, kinda nervous," and he may not want to tip off Jisung and Changbin that something's wrong, that would be the time to say something like "I'm not feeling anything rough tonight, if you could be gentler that would be great." She asks them if there's anyone that doesn't actually want to fuck her. Also, she implements a safeword system (which she specifically calls him out to make sure he's okay with), which they weren't even going to USE, and asks them at least twice throughout the scene for their color, and Chan specifically if he's okay at least two more times besides that. Actually Chan almost makes fun of her for asking so many questions, so I think this claim is just another part of his insecurity-fed delusion that she's conspiring to ruin his life, or something, but again I'll come back to that. My point is that despite being the only one who doesn't know his situation, reader is also the only one who checks in with him.

There are a few other things he said that I took issue with, but those are the main two.

Next; Chan's delusion that reader is like conspiring to ruin his life. (Really like how you depicted this by the way, though I may be thinking wayyy too far into this.) I remember watching some video when I had one of my mental health/disorders hyperfixations. The video was about schizophrenia, and while I definitely don't think Chan has schizophrenia, one of the things the video talked about was types of delusions, and this kind of reminded me of one of them. I don't remember what it's called, but it's basically a delusion based around one idea, and then you force the world around you to fit into that idea. One example of this that I can think of is Azula from ATLA. Towards the end of her arc in the TV series, she starts seeing hallucinating her mother everywhere, and you get a peek of her fixed belief that her mother is behind everything that has gone wrong in her life, which is expanded upon a little bit in the books. Obviously Chan's not experiencing delusion to the extent that she did, but I did see some (albeit much less intense) parallels that were interesting. See, if he only talked about how his boyfriends seemed to like the reader more than him, that would be one thing, but he brings up his mother as well, which even though they did speak, it's a little out there to say that your mother likes someone she's talked to once more than you. That, combined with his insisting that the reader is playing some sort of game makes me think of that a little.

Of course this was only at first, when I was like "wtf, where is this 'my boyfriends like you more than me' thing coming from?" And then I reread the first few parts for this monstrosity of an ask that I'm writing rn. While at first I thought that this was entirely out of left field, when I read through the first few parts, especially the second one, with the knowledge that he felt that way, I noticed a few things you had put in there.

For the majority of the scene, or at least the first good chunk, the reader deals with Jisung and Changbin alone, leaving Chan by himself to watch. Obviously, as we see the reader's perspective, we know that it's because she found Chan's attitude intriguing and wanted to be able to deal with that one on one (at least that's what I got from it), it's easy to see now how to someone who's already insecure about their relationship and themselves, that would read as someone replacing you. Especially when Jisung, with no ill intent, but still, outright rejects his help in favour of the reader, and once again, he is left out, only this time it's accompanied with the sting of knowing (or at least feeling) that your partner didn't want you involved.

Now I kinda want to go character by character, and idk, talk about what I think they did wrong? We'll see, I'm not going to edit this so here we go.

Jisung and Changbin : Honestly, looking back on 3racha's first encounter with the reader, they really should have done better as Chan's partners. Like I said earlier, as the ones who knew Chan's situation, and the ones who likely pressured him slightly into he whole ordeal, it was really their responsibility to make sure Chan was okay with everything that was going on. That, and them feeling the need to sneak around with reader behind Chan's back doesn't sit right with me. I get that they have an open relationship, but there's a difference between having an open relationship and hooking up with someone your partner doesn't like, and actively trying to hide that you're hooking up with them. Their relationship boundaries may be fine with that, but idk, something feels off about it.

(I couldn't figure out where to put this and you may have already addressed this but it's my little theory/headcanon that Chan actually suspected it was reader at Jisung's place, and when there wasn't anyone there, he kinda gaslighted himself afterwards, idk. With the new knowledge it feels likely.)

Also, knowing that they were together for a while before Chan joined the relationship I think explains so much about the communication issues they seem to have with him. While I do think Chan has trouble communicating his feelings about things, I think their established communication and knowing eachother really well doesn't help. I may just be making things up at this point, but I feel like they have trouble with communication with Chan specifically, maybe forgetting that he doesn't have the same time/experience thy have with each other? If that makes sense?

Chan : oh boy. I've gone into a lot of detail already, so I'll try to keep this brief. Obviously, I think he has a looooottt of insecurity he needs to work through. If I were reallllyyy analyzing this I would say maybe a past cheating partner(?), but unless that's relevant to the plot I'm not sure if that's just me reading too much into this. Also mentioned before, COMMUNICATION ISSUES. One thing that would prevent half of the issues with this series is Chan communicating with his partners, though I suppose that wouldn't be near as much fun to read. Or just communicating I'm general, like I said, he had a plethora of opportunities to communicate to reader if he wanted something different, and didn't. So, yeah. Honestly I think he causes most of his own problems, but I feel like we knew that.

Reader : Now. I spent most of this series completely on the reader's side. Last night after reading part six, I was like "oh my god. He's right!" But then I took a while and thought a lot about it (as you can see), and honestly, I think reader probably did the least wrong out of everyone. Yes, the hair thing was a little iffy, like I said earlier, but once I went back and realized that he was actively participating and egging her on, I don't think that's necessarily something she did wrong. Beyond that, she did the most in regards of communication (at least during sex, after is another story), even more than the partners themselves. I think she did the best she could with the information that was given to her. She saw three guys approach her as a unit, and while yes, she didn't ask before engaging with Chan, I don't think it's really her fault for assuming that they were all interested as a unit as well. She had no reason to question any of their sexualities, why would she? She sees three partners approach her in unison, why wouldn't she assume they were on the same page? Anyway, all that to say, I think reader is the most innocent of all the main characters so far, though I may feel different after sitting on this for more time.

Anyway, here's this unedited brain dump, loved the new part, enjoy. Or not ig - 🦋

i've been sitting on this for like a week bc it's just so long and amazing??? and i have no idea what to say?? 🥺🥺

the bit about chan having a sort of delusion that reader is out to ruin his life in a pointed, conspired way is VERY interesting. their dynamic is actually something that i pulled from myself, in a way. i'm really superstitious about dumb things. i hate, like, bumping into someone or accidentally saying something that hurts someone's feelings bc i know that that karma/vibe/intention (whatever you wanna call it, i'm not spiritual just paranoid) is gonna come back around.

reader is the opposite. she's just walking around doing things and thinking about herself, and then being shocked when there are equal and opposite reactions to the stuff she does. i overthink everything, so reader doesn't think nearly enough.

but lemme say

that the best thing you said is how jisung and changbin are absolutely not the innocent bystanders that everyone seems to think they are 🤐🤐 most readers LOVE those two. but think about it...what are they trying to accomplish, here? 👀

[jess-rewatches-prodigalson]

Face Value (S2, E7)

My time-stamped thoughts for this episode. As always I reference Malcolm’s mental health. A lot. So if that’s going to be a trigger for you, don’t keep reading.

SPOILERS AHEAD:

0:05 - Hold your horses. Malcolm taught at Quantico?!? I mean, I realize that he probably just did the occasional guest lecture (like most profilers?) but I’m still stupidly proud of him. <3 

0:50 - ngl Malcolm’s a good lecturer. Take it from a university student.

1:13 - “It’s okay. We don’t know what you did and it’s not that mu-....BREATHE” Holy shit. I’m torn between ranting about what a great actor Tom Payne is and losing my mind because this scene is heartbreaking. Look at Malcolm. I swear he’s reminding himself to breathe - not Ainsley. He’s completely panicking but he’s trying so hard to be strong for Ainsley. This boy is an absolute treasure. Brother of the CENTURY. 

1:41 - “You’re right Ainsley. I screwed up.” NO NO NO NO NO. Can you hear the sound of my heart shattering?!? This scene is so much more devastating the second time. When you know Ainsley is putting ON A SHOW HERE. Look at Malcolm’s face. He’s devastated. He blames himself for AINSLEY’S actions. He’s starting to genuinely believe that he’s no better than Martin Whitly. Malcolm’s depression/anxiety is through the roof in this episode. I honestly won’t be shocked if Malcolm has a complete mental breakdown in the next few episodes. Hell, I don’t think I’d be surprised if he tries to OD on his meds. This boy is in crisis and I’m terrified for him. 

1:44 - “I think I did too.”.....this line is interesting. Is this part of Ainsley’s act or is she showing some regret for putting Malcolm through this much emotional torment? She can clearly see that this whole situation is literally destroying her brother’s already fragile peace of mind. 

1:55 - “Today could be the day!”.....the day that everyone finds out about Endicott and Ainsley.....seriously, Malcolm’s daily affirmations this season have done nothing but feed his anxiety. 

2:04 - OF COURSE. A call from Martin. Malcolm is going to have a mental breakdown. It’s just everything. All at once. I’m getting secondhand anxiety FOR him. 

2:35 - hahaha Martin is a crazy, evil, pain in the ass but damn is he entertaining. 

2:55 - 1) Ainsley looks adorable in Malcolm’s hoodie. 2) Ainsley straight up leaves his loft later in this episode. Did she hid a change of clothes in the loft before Malcolm got home last night? Or does she actually leave her big brother’s apartment in his clothes? 

3:05 - “Getting hit by a train might be better.” Yep. Malcolm is entering a dangerous territory. I know depression is different for everyone but for me, when I start joking - out loud - to people I love about death in passing....things are bad. Like I’m getting suicidal bad. I know Malcolm has a morbid job and he talks about death all the time but this feels like Malcolm is starting to consider suicide as an option. 

3:34 - I can see Ainsley’s “You were trying to control me” perspective. BUT honestly? Take a step back and listen to the desperation and fear in Malcolm’s voice. Anyone with half a brain cell can HEAR how scared Malcolm is and how deeply he loves his sister. Ainsley has known Malcolm her entire life. If she was functioning on all cylinders - she would know that Malcolm is just being a protective big brother. He’s not trying to control her - just help her. But this has been a theme for Ainsley since season 1 when she brought up visiting Martin during family dinner. She seems to believe that Jessica and Malcolm think that she’s a “fragile flower” and that she can’t take care of herself. I understand how that could be frustrating but I also find it concerning that Ainsley doesn’t seem to understand that they aren’t treating her that way because they think she’s weak or stupid but rather out of love. Ainsley acts like a petulant child about this sort of thing (anger, whining, eye-rolling). Ainsley acts very entitled a lot, in the sense that if something doesn’t go her way she just throws a hissy fit (think reporting and/or any Whitly family squabble). Ainsley is messed up. Unlike Malcolm, she doesn’t seem to have any self-awareness when it comes to her behavioural eccentricities. Malcolm actively tries to improve his mental state. Ainsley just throws a hissy fit when the world doesn’t bend to her will.....and this stream of consciousness Ainsley rant just became wayyyyy longer than I had anticipated (sorry). 

3:41 - “Promise me.” See that look? Ainsley is pissed at Malcolm. This girl’s anger is concerning me.......what if (crazy thought) the season finale is Martin escaping Claremont to stop Ainsley from killing Malcolm? 

3:43 - I wish I could be happier about this hug. Malcolm is finally getting a hug but.....he instigated it and he’s not the one being comforted sooooooooo I’m still unsatisfied. 

3:49 - “Hey, you look...terrible.” SCREAM IT FROM THE ROOFTOPS DANI!! God. I love how concerned she is about Malcolm. IDC how you feel about Brightwell. If you don’t think they’re good friends - you’re a moron. 

4:05 - This is the moment when I went....oooohhhh yeah. LDP directed this episode. That’s probably why he’s not in this scene. 

4:10 - JT is a GOOD husband. Give him a medal. Seriously - last season he was going to watch the Taylor wedding live with Tally (who was going to wear a hat <3 ), this season Mr. Masculine casually throws out stats about the Housewives. hahaha I don’t even care if JT genuinely enjoys the Housewives or not. I’m just so utterly delighted at the idea of him watching it with his wife and having a good time with her. <3 JT is the definition of a good husband and I’m HERE FOR IT. 

4:34 - .......seriously? I thought Edrisa had realized that this crush is unrequited last season? I love Edrisa but her obsession with Malcolm is getting a little creepy. Like “13 year old in love with the 40 year old math teacher” creepy. It’s sort of cute but also like - gurl. No.

4:38 - Ok. Dani’s reaction to Edrisa hitting on Malcolm saves the scene for me. Lol.

4:51 - Ugh. That is a really creepy corpse.

4:56 - Look. We’ve all obsessed about it already but I have to bring it up: MALCOLM STILL HAS THE BRUISE FROM THE ELEVATOR. SOMEONE GIVE THE MAKEUP DEPARTMENT A MEDAL. THANK YOU. THANK YOU FOR REMEMBERING MALCOLM’S PHYSICAL TRAUMA.

5:21- ......ok maybe I’m projecting my cynicism here but anyone who has framed newspaper clippings about themselves in their office is seriously egocentric. Maybe it’s just me - but that’s a massive turn off and takes someone out of the running for “angel” status.

6:10 - I’m sorry for every time I thought Jessica was a crazy rich lady during season 1. Birdie is so so so much crazier.

6:36 - “Only the men you date.” Bitch. OMG. Who says something that backhanded and cruel to their sibling?!?!? ......oh wait. I remember how this episode ends :|

7:15 - THANK YOU. I’ve been wondering about the status of Martin’s medical certification since I watched the pilot. SO happy to find out that he couldn’t weasel his way into keeping it.

7:37 - Like most of you, I’ve been creeped out by this whole Martin/Capshaw interaction since it was released as a promo clip. Seriously - it’s creepy. There’s an upsetting amount of subtle flirting here. I’m not sure what it is about Capshaw but her whole energy is just really unnerving to me. I immediately hated her in the promo. Istg Capshaw is an undercover serial killer or something. AND IF SHE BECOMES A LOVE INTEREST FOR MARTIN I WILL LOSE MY SHIT.

8:06 - Oh yeah. She’s either romantically interested in Martin or she’s a psychopath on the DL and is playing him.

8:12 - YAY!!! The Yankee mug returns!!! <3

8:34 - “Sometimes the most monstrous people are the ones hiding in plain sight.” Ouch. I know the writers like to project Malcolm’s emotional turmoil on the case of the week but hearing those words come out of Gil’s mouth?!? Ouch. That hurt Malcolm. Bad. It wasn’t even directed at Malcolm but damn. This is not helping his mental health. At all.

8:41 - Gil. Is. Concerned. <3 :) .....pretty sure Gil also suspects about Endicott and Ainsley by now too. .....hmmmmm maybe that comment about monsters was Gil’s way of trying to get Malcolm to confess (or to gauge Malcolm’s reaction)?  

9:15 - I feel so bad for Malcolm here. He’s literally juggling everyone’s problems. Ainsley’s murder situation. Jessica’s personal drama. But is he dealing with his emotional problems? No. He’s too busy being a good son/brother. SOMEONE PAY ATTENTION TO MALCOLM. HE NEEDS A HUG.

9:35 - Deer. In. Headlights. Well....at least Dani knows Malcolm’s about to have a mental breakdown. This boy just got more information to help him crack a murder case and he looks confused, startled, and lost. He’s usually excited and motivated. This Endicott situation is slowly killing Malcolm. I don’t know how much longer he can struggle under the weight of the guilt.

9:48 - Look at this. Ainsley is pissed off that Malcolm isn’t paying attention to her. We know that this whole 2nd murder was a sham so WTF? Is she really just that hungry for attention? That sounds like Martin Whitly to me - the narcissistic psychopath who needs attention like an addict needs cocaine. Also AINSLEY’S acting here?!? We know that she’s lying to Malcolm but holy shit. She’s a really good actress/liar? What else has she lied about?!? 

10:05 - Ok. So just when did Ainsley remember? I honestly think she’s known since at least 2x01.

10:20 - Look. I understand that Ainsley is pissed that Malcolm is trying to ‘control her’. But did she even listen to the desperation and fear in his voice? This boy wants her to stay in the loft because he’s scared of who she might hurt if she’s out in public, unsupervised. He’s not trying to abuse or hurt her - just protect her. Is he misguided -maybe? Should he have called the cops on Ainsley right away - probably. But he didn’t out of love. Ainsley doesn’t even seem to realize how much this whole situation is hurting Malcolm and that’s the biggest problem. She doesn’t show any remorse at killing Endicott. She’s just pissed off that Malcolm lied about it. SHE KILLED SOMEONE an she (outwardly at least) feels no remorse. This girl is a psychopath (sociopath?) and this will NOT end well for Malcolm and Jessica.  

10:27 - This whole scene was awesome btw. Tom Payne flawlessly communicated Malcolm’s panic, fear, anger, and desperate attempts to stay calm. And Dani’s blatant concern (and suspicion) of Malcolm and his mental state.  AND Ainsley being a little brat. Ugh. So beautiful.

10:45 - I love this scene. I love the fact that they have the type of friendship where Dani’s not afraid to call Malcolm out on his crap (trying to hide things from the team). I love that Malcolm isn’t offended that Dani called him out. He doesn’t lie. Ainsley is lost at the moment. Malcolm is more honest with Dani about how the whole Ainsley thing is affecting him than he is with anyone else. I love that Dani still looks suspicious and concerned. I love watching Dani piece this whole thing together. I’m honestly at a point where I think Dani is going to know about Endicott before Gil. I love that Dani gives Malcolm honest, judgement-free advise. Because she doesn’t like seeing how much pain Malcolm is in. I love that Malcolm isn’t completely shutting her out. <3

11:00 - “What if she already has?”.....yep. Dani is totally piecing the Endicott situation together. 

11:09 - “I’m overthinking it.” THIS. There is a split second where you can see the betrayal on Dani’s face. She knows Malcolm is hiding something and she’s hurt that he doesn’t trust her enough to let her in. She’s also probably hurt because she views this as a lie - which brings back 1x20 memories. 

11:35 - “Even when they’re as beautiful as you.” Ugh. I love this so so so so much. Look at how Dani absolutely lights up at Malcolm’s unintentional compliment. I relate to Dani in the sense that I’m a woman in a male dominated field (engineering). I can’t tell you how often men that she works with have probably objectified her, belittled her, and sexualized her. Malcolm isn’t doing this. He doesn’t call her hot. He doesn’t comment on her body or how she dresses. He doesn’t even acknowledge that she’s a woman. He just calls her beautiful. But he does it in a way that you can tell he’s being genuine. He doesn’t expect anything in return for the compliment. He’s not trying to play the long game. He’s just thinks she’s beautiful. He doesn’t even realize that he said it. BECAUSE Malcolm is in profiler mode. He’s focused on the murder - not Dani. He mentioned that Dani’s beauty off-handedly because 1) he believes it and 2) it was relevant to his profiling train of thought. BUT LOOK AT HOW MUCH IT MEANT TO DANI. <3 <3 <3

12:00 - Why is Chabra exiled to the corner of the room?!?! Someone explain this tomfoolery. Is it literally to just get across that Chabra is not the alpha in this corrupt plastic surgery business?!?

12:16 - Ew. Please never say YOLO. Ever. It’s cringy when kids say it but it’s so so so much worse when someone over 25 says it. 

12:18 - hhahahahahahaha OMG. Dani’s face after he says “yolo”. 

12:31 - Yep. This dude is an asshole. DO NOT try to convince Malcolm to get plastic surgery. The dude has enough problems without adding dysmorphia to the mix. 

12:41 - Yep. Chabra is the little puppy that follows Donahue around and does the grunt work.

12:50 - LOOK AT THE NOD DONAHUE GIVES CHABRA when Chabra denies that stock has gone missing. Can you arrest someone for being a rich, corrupt, asshole?! Ugh. Hate him. 

13:20 - Ugh. I really want to know more about Dani’s past. Who in the NYPD tried to belittle, micromanage, or sexualize her just because she’s a woman?

13:30 - “I want Donahue to be the bad guy.” PREACH SISTER.

13:48 - “Easy. We just isolate him with our own alpha males.” hahaha OMG. LET”S GO. I was so pumped when this scene cut to JT and Gil. BUT I was also a little sad. Malcolm doesn’t consider himself to be an alpha male (I mean, he’s not) but it really just drove home to be that Malcolm sees himself as broken. Gil has been Malcolm’s positive male role model for years. But Malcolm doesn’t think he’s anything like Gil. Malcolm thinks he’s broken where Gil is whole, weak where Gil is strong, and bad when Gil is good. It just sort of broke my heart. 

14:00 - hahaha Chabra is just a wimp. Watching Gil and JT play angry cop, calm cop was so so so good though. <3 

14:05 - This was the moment that I remembered LDP was directing this episode. I’m not usually someone who notices camera work or anything but this was a really cool shot. 

15:00 - Oh c’mon. Seriously? Edrisa’s crush has gone too far. She knows he doesn’t like her romantically. Everyone knows it. Please stop this. I’m getting secondhand embarrassment. 

15:16 - Did Edrisa think they were going to do it in the morgue?!? Those flowers?!? Like wtf. I can’t. 

15:29 - I’ll give props to Malcolm here. He’s being really kind to Edrisa here. BUT HE NEEDS TO TELL HER HE’S NOT INTERESTED BECAUSE SHE’S CLEARLY NOT GETTING THE MESSAGE. 

15:33 - Ugh. Look at how uncomfortable Malcolm is. This is upsetting.

16:08 - “What?!? How do you -” Panic. Pure panic in Malcolm’s eyes. Damn. This boy is spiralling. Someone needs to find out about Endicott. Malcolm can’t keep trying to protect Ainsley and Jessica alone. It’s literally killing him. 

17:14 - “All she could see was the ugliness she felt inside.” “That’s a sad way to live.” .........the parallels between the plastic surgery, dysmorphia, and vengeful crime of the week to Malcolm’s current mental health and Ainsley’s crime is slowly killing me. I’m honestly getting annoyed that the other characters aren’t picking up on all the subtle references Malcolm’s making to the fact that he thinks he’s a monster. I JUST WANT SOMEONE TO COMFORT HIM. THAT’S ALL. WHY IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK FEDAK!??! 

17:30 - Another point to the Dani/Malcolm friendship. She takes out the gun and pushes Malcolm back. Is she trying to protect him? Technically, yes. BUT she’s just doing her job. I love that Malcolm respects Dani enough to let her take charge and do her job. I love that he’s secure enough about his masculinity to let her. 

18:15 - Yikes. This woman is 90% plastic. Cosmetic plastic surgery is terrifying. 

20:16 - Another reminder of the woman’s ward. Either Sophie Sanders or Ainsley is going to end up in that ward soon (I’m still half-convinced that Sophie is going to appear out of the woodwork and take the fall for Endicott). 

21:49 - “...convinced her that she would never have a career unless she looked the part.” <3 Look at how disgusted Gil is when Dani tells him that. Gil is a good man and I love him forever. <3 

22:33 - I love this. Dani and Gil are both concerned about Malcolm and communicating it in looks. It won’t be long until there’s a team intervention for Malcolm’s mental health (or at least, that’s my headcanon - if someone wants to write me a fic about it I’ll love you forever).

22:44 - WTF GIL. WHY AREN’T YOU ASKING MALCOLM WHAT’S WRONG?!?! IS IT BECAUSE YOU ALREADY KNOW AND YOU DON’T KNOW HOW TO FEEL ABOUT IT YET?!?! 

22:49 -.....soooooo does this mean that Gil already knew that Birdie existed?!? How often did Birdie appear after Martin’s arrest?!?! I WANT DETAILS.

23:06 - Holy shit. Look at that little smirk Ainsley shoots Malcolm when he first walks in and sees her. Ainsley is maliciously toying with Malcolm and I DON”T LIKE IT.

23:14 - Jessica is concerned. I promise you Ainsley and Malcolm have rarely - if ever - fought like this in front of her. I was raised in single parent home after my abusive dad left. I know how that changes the sibling dynamic. No matter how genuinely pissed off you are - you don’t stress Mom out more. If you’re just annoyed with each other and doing regular ‘sibling squabbling’ - then you whine and argue in front of Mom. But if you’re seriously angry with each other - you deal with it when Mom isn’t home to see it because no matter what - you both appreciate how hard Mom is working to keep what’s left of your family together. 

23:28 - “Malcolm. Looking more like your father every day.” BITCH. Did she just say that because she watched Malcolm go off on Ainsley? Sure, Malcolm was a little controlling (probably similar to a situation Birdie witnessed between Jess and Martin back in the day) but HOLY SHIT. That is your nephew. Maybe he’s having a bad day. Maybe being told he resembles a serial killer is really damaging to his already fragile pysche. I don’t like Birdie. AND I DON”T LIKE THAT JESSICA DOESN”T STAND UP FOR MALCOLM HERE. 

24:00 - I don’t like this. These Martin+Capshaw scenes are really hard to watch. Martin is still acting like Martin - manipulative, egotistic, manicA. But he’s also acting like a professional doctor (an asshole doctor but still). It’s really disconcerting to watch Capshaw take his medical opinion seriously. Plus - there’s something about Capshaw that creeps me out. I just haven’t figured out what it is yet. But I’m pretty sure she’s a bad lady.  

24:16 - “What bit should I use?” - See this? No. Just...no. I don’t like how she’s taking Martin’s medical advise to heart so readily. 

25:04 - Why was Martin allowed to watch the procedure?!? He’s clearly getting a sick amount of pleasure from the blood and drilling. Look at the way Martin grins at Capshaw too. Martin is planning out an entire scheme to manipulate Capshaw into helping him escape. You can see the metaphoric lightbulb above his head. 

25:29 - This meal. Seriously. Was I the only one who got a glimpse of the meat in a red sauce and thought “human meat”?!? No wonder Malcolm’s main food group is liquorice. 

25:44 - Poor Jessica. She is not having a good time. Jessica’s behaviour in this scene is really interesting though. Jessica repeatedly shoots apologetic looks at Malcolm. She looks at Ainsley with fear. She looks super uncomfortable. She’s not saying much because she desperately wants a relationship with her sister but she also doesn’t want to belittle her son’s career. She’s proud of Malcolm - in her own way. 

26:00 - “The family trust fund would run dry.” hahahahaha YES MALCOLM. THROW THAT SHADE. hahahaha

26:23 - “Most of the time anyway” Wow. Uncalled for. I know Ainsley is mad but this isn’t cool. I have this nagging feeling in the back of my mind that Birdie has been approached by Europol about the Endicott murder. I have this terrifying notion that Birdie is trying to collect intel so she can sell the information to Europol. If I’m right (which I’m probably not) this comment will not help Malcolm’s case.

26:41 - hahaha look at how annoyed Jessica is. Is she annoyed because her children are openly fighting in front of their Aunt when Jessica wants to portray the “perfect, undamaged family”? Or is Jessica annoyed because what Ainsley just said was out of line and she’s scared of Ainsley right now?

27:02 - “Why would you do that? I told you I would handle everything.” This. This is why I will argue that Ainsley is way out of line. Yes, Malcolm is sort of trying to control her. BUT listen to his words, the desperation and fear in his voice. Malcolm is trying to protect Ainsley. Ainsley has every right to be annoyed with him but if she was functioning at an adult mental capacity she’d be able to see that he isn’t being malicious. 

27:35 - The fact that Birdie is a backstabbing, lying bitch is so frustrating to me. Look at how badly Jessica wants to have a healthy relationship with her little sister. Jessica just wants a girl-friend to confide in and drink with. I’m heartbroken that Martin stole that from her. 

28:05 - I know LDP was directing this episode but JT or Dani should’ve called Malcolm. Why? This conversation between Gil and Malcolm (WHEN GIL IS WEARING HIS COAT) just makes me wonder - where is Gil going? JT is at Donahue’s apartment. Dani and Malcolm are going to talk to Chabra. Where is Gil going?!? 

29:07 - ....how did Donahue get the coke into the cheetah? Was there a release thingy (like in a piggy bank) that Malcolm just elected not to use in the panic of the moment? 

29:14 - “What else would you hide in a cheetah?” hahahahahaha

29:40 - “No. No. Only if I got the dose wrong.” Yikes. Malcolm is operating in full panic mode here. This is not good for his mental health. 

30:08 - “This is the worst cooking show ever.” hahaha this was hilarious but cooking show? What? Do I not watch enough of those? Because I don’t see the link. 

30:38 - The moment when Malcolm looks at Dani with fear. He thinks he just killed Chabra and he’s terrified that Dani is looking at him with hatred. :( 

30:46 - The two seconds when Malcolm thinks he killed someone. Look at his face. That boy is broken. Again - if he doesn’t have a full on mental breakdown soon I’m going to be so annoyed with the writers because NO HUMAN CAN WITHSTAND THIS MUCH TRAUMA THIS QUICKLY - WITHOUT ANY EMOTIONAL SUPPORT - AND COME OUT FUNCTIONAL. 

31:03 - “I do not miss drugs.” :O Dani :( Sweetie <3 Ugh. This line was heartbreaking because it hurts to remember that Dani had a drug problem. But it’s also really great. She was just in front of 1 gram of cocaine. She didn’t grab for it. It didn’t reawaken the urge to use in her. She was strong enough to say “I don’t miss this life” and say it OUT LOUD in front of Malcolm. <3 Friendship. She’s starting to trust Malcolm more. This is good....until she finds out about Endicott. 

31:45 - Wait. If Birdie knew about Endicott and Jessica.....does she know about Gil?!?!

31:49 - “Trust but verify.” That’s such a heartbreaking way to live. I hate that she has to live in a world without trust because of what Martin did. I want Jessica to be happy. So so badly. 

32:06 - .....how did Jessica find out about the book?!!?! Seriously.

32:17 - “Mummy”. Mrs. Milton is alive?!?! What. OMG. So....but how? Jessica is living in the Milton family home. Jessica is rich. But Birdie has been cut off from the family money. However, it’s clear from this conversation that Jessica and her mother aren’t on speaking terms. So how did this work? When did Jessica move into the Milton family home and why? Where is Jessica’s money coming from? Did Jessica invest her trust fund money smartly and make a fortune? Does Jessica still have access to the Milton family bank accounts?!? AND WHERE IS JESSICA’S DAD?!!? I WANT MORE INFORMATION FEDAK. 

32:49 - Malcolm is his mother’s son. Look at this. Jessica is so hurt by what Birdie has done. However, Jessica sighs, takes a breath and helps her little sister out at the cost of causing herself pain. Malcolm would do the exact same for Ainsley. He has. 

33:40 - “And do we need to talk about last night?!?” Gil has been different this season. Less soft. More strict. 

33:51 - Look at how Gil stares at Dani here. He’s annoyed and concerned. Concerned because she was in close proximity to drugs last night. Annoyed because he created a monster. Gil put together is badass, sarcastic daughter with his unstable, awkward son and they are creating a headache for him.

34:41 - “even for consultants?” hahaha

36:50 - The irony that our killer of the week is a woman who is in pain, feels disfigured, and murders in revenge is so so thick. 

37:18 - “It’s enough to drive anyone insane”.....like the emotional pain that Malcolm is currently suffering from?

38:42 - “The best revenge is letting him live like this.” The moment Malcolm realized that Ainsley was manipulating him. Look at the hurt and fear on his little face. :( 

39:00 - Ugh. I can’t tell who’s manipulating who in this whole Capshaw+Martin relationship but it’s all gross. I swear if they become romantic I will puke. These two are a psychopathic match made in heaven. 

40:08 - I could write essays upon essays about this final scene but I need to sleep. So it’s going into point form without time stamps:

First off - Halston Sage and Tom Payne give us an AMAZING performance in this scene and they deserve an Emmy for it. Seriously. 

Look at how Ainsley walks into the room. She’s self-satisfied. She feels no remorse. She’s pleased that Malcolm has been suffering. 

Look at how utterly empty Malcolm is when he greets Ainsley. This boy is in shock. He’s so deeply hurt and he just had one of his greatest fears confirmed - Ainsley is like Martin. 

“Do you have any idea what you put me through?!?” This. Yes, Malcolm is upset and hurt but there’s a part of me that genuinely thinks this question isn’t rhetorical. There’s a part of me that thinks Malcolm is desperately trying to get Ainsley to admit to feeling remorse so that he can convince himself that his baby sister isn’t gone forever. 

“Do you?” Ainsley is mad. She has a right to be. Malcolm did lie to her. He probably should’ve told her the truth. HOWEVER, if Ainsley was a functional adult - she would’ve just confronted Malcolm about it. She has every right to be pissed but her behaviour has been downright petty, juvenile, and cruel. 

“Underestimated me. For months.” Is this the root of Ainsley’s anger? She mentioned something similar in 1x6 when Jessica and Malcolm tried to stop her from visiting Martin. She resents Jessica and Malcolm for treating her like a child. For trying to protect her from Martin. On one hand, I understand - that’s probably suffocating and frustrating. On the other hand, Ainsley’s acting like a child so....why wouldn’t they treat her like one?

“I have given up everything for you!! I don’t even know who I am anymore.” This breaks me. Malcolm is screaming through tears. He’s so utterly broken (this doesn’t count as a mental breakdown Fedak....you better give me more). Malcolm is rightfully frustrated that Ainsley doesn’t acknowledge that he literally threw out his moral code to protect her. That when this gets out - his relationship with his only real friends since he was 10 years old (JT and Dani) will probably want nothing to do with him. Malcolm probably thinks that Gil will abandon him WHEN the Endicott thing comes out. Malcolm has thrown his fragile mental health down the drain to protect Ainsley. He thinks he’s a monster. Yes. Malcolm made the choice to protect Ainsley. Ainsley doesn’t have to be grateful. She doesn’t have to respect his decision. But acknowledging that his decision was made out of love would sure help. Malcolm wanted to be a good big brother so badly that he threw away his sense of self.

“Protect me? Or control me?” Wow. Okay. I get it. Ainsley feels controlled which is bad for someone who likes being in control. But Malcolm was never trying to control Ainsley. Malcolm was trying to control a situation. Not a person. Is what Malcolm did right? No, lying to Ainsley wasn’t a great choice. But telling her the truth also wasn’t a great choice. He was damned either way. 

“For someone who spent the last few decades trying to recover from being gaslight; it’s ironic how quickly you resorted to it.” Uncalled for. Was Malcolm gaslighting Ainsley? Technically, yes. HOWEVER, one of the main criteria for gaslighting is that the gaslighter is aware that they’re gaslighting someone. I honestly don’t think Malcolm realized he was gaslighting Ainsley - look at his face when she mentions it: he looks heartbroken. BESIDES. How is AINSLEY NOT GASLIGHTING MALCOLM RIGHT NOW?!?! “That’s exactly what Dad would say.” She’s trying to convince Malcolm that he’s just like Martin. She’s made him believe that she murdered a second person. She made him an accomplice to her fake murder. She knowingly continued with this ruse after he came clean and told her the truth. And he was nothing but supportive and protective. Malcolm helped her hide a body. Why is Ainsley playing the victim?! 

Look at the torture on Malcolm’s face right before he apologizes to Ainsley for lying to her. This boy is being gaslight and he doesn’t even realize it. 

FURTHERMORE I DON’T RECALL AINSLEY APOLOGIZING TO MALCOLM FOR MAKING HIM 1) HIDE A BODY, 2) LIE TO THEIR MOM, 3) LIE TO GIL, 4) AN ACCOMPLICE TO A SECOND (FAKE) MURDER, 5) LYING TO MALCOLM ABOUT THE SECOND MURDER. She just says, “Maybe it was a little over the top.” Come on. No. 

“I appreciate that.” SERIOUSLY. Ainsley doesn’t even have the curtesy to say “I’m sorry too.” or “I know you did what you thought was best”?!? Her response feels bitter and angry. She doesn’t forgive Malcolm. She’s still livid despite the fact that her brother is literally breaking apart in front of her. There’s no questioning the genuineness of Malcolm’s apology. That’s sincere pain and remorse. 

This whole scene is super disturbing because Malcolm is on the verge of tears. He’s visibly upset. Yet - Ainsley is channeling a quiet, disassociating anger (similar to what she looked like right before she murdered Endicott). She’s completely consumed by anger. She’s not acting rationally and it’s really disconcerting to watch the contrast between the two siblings. 

“I had to make sure that you were never going to mess with my head again.” .....you know, a functional adult human (hell, even a half-functional adult human) would just verbally confront their sibling about it. They probably wouldn’t fully trust or forgive their sibling right away but they wouldn’t pull a stunt as cruel and malicious as Ainsley just pulled on Malcolm. The problem with Ainsley’s behaviour vs. Malcolm’s is this: Ainsley is intentionally hurting Malcolm out of anger. Ainsley wants revenge. Malcolm reacted out of fear and panic to protect Ainsley. Malcolm just wants to be a good big brother. Neither of them are perfectly in the right but Ainsley is so so so out of line. 

“You need to lighten up. We got away with it.” Ainsley is a serial killer. Say it from the rooftops. This is the first time she’s shown an emotion other than anger/disassociation all episode. Ainsley is happy that they got away with it. Malcolm is crumpling under the guilt and grief but Ainsley is happy. 

“No one does this murder stuff better than us.” Holy shit. I can’t. Malcolm looks so so so heartbroken here. He just realized that his sister is gone forever. AND AINSLEY damn. This girl needs some serious help. She’s going to kill again. She liked it the first time. I bet you she slaughtered the pig just to get her fix. She could’ve boughten the pig’s blood from a butcher shop or something but I bet you she killed the pig herself. And I bet you she liked it.

Hoxley is a flamboyant gay and a cocky profiler. That’s just a fact. 

I can’t. Alan Cummings will always be the villain from Spy Kids to me. I don’t know how I’m going to take Hoxley seriously. 

Yoooooo Endicott’s head is creepy af. 

Damn. This isn’t good. Hoxley is going to ruin Malcolm’s life. I can feel it. 

Okay. I loved this episode. I have a lot of feelings about it (obviously). I’m so bitter that we have to wait until April 13th for the next episode. See you guys next time. If you read this far - thanks for hanging out. 

[transmissionsfromthebattlefield]

The Straight Facts On Riot Fest 2021

It really is hard to make the good things last.

Last weekend went by not like the rickety but effective trains that linked me from the airport to my hotel room to Douglass Park, home of the beloved Riot Festival. In hindsight, my time in Chicago feels like it passed me with the speed of a Japanese bullet train. Finally, life felt almost like it did before COVID-19 grounded planes and ravaged the live music industry. Simultaneously I was granted a rare time to let loose and release all my adolescent urges. I had been needing to do so for a while.

The zeitgeist was in full effect as we made our way inside the festival’s grounds on Saturday. Signs pointed towards COVID testing sites. I flashed my vaccination card alongside my ID to be let in. The first band of the day, Man On Man, was formed over lockdown by Faith No More’s keyboardist and his boyfriend out of quarantine boredom; it was their second live show. FNM would have been hitting the stage later that day had their seemingly impenetrable frontman not cancelled their tour to deal with a mental health crisis.

It quickly became evident that everyone was more than happy to be back. I try to socially distance myself from GWAR as much as possible due to cleanliness concerns, but I couldn’t help but spy on their performance. I ended up getting a clear view of their assorted liquids arcing over the heads of the hooded rain poncho clad security guards and into the untamed audience. (My friend Kati walked out with green stains splattered across her starch white mask and tote bag.) Later, as Les Savy Fav played, it was impossible to socially distance from frontman Tim Harrington, who frequently retreated into the crowd for a variety of antics. He rode an audience member down the aisle like a toddler receiving a pony ride from his dad; he took and wore on his head many pairs of sunglasses before redistributing the Ray-Ban wealth to an entirely different section of the crowd; he rolled out a roll of tarp across everyone’s heads, got on top of it, bore a hole in it, and reemerged among everyone else. It was truly a sight to behold.

The next day, I stood on my feet for over five hours. The first band I witnessed during this test of leg strength was Body Count. From the safety of the VIP section, I was protected from the mosh pit happening not very far away from me. Ice-T didn’t refrain from giving his commentary on the pit, which he found unsatisfactory. It even once transformed into my eyeballs’ first wall of death at Ice’s behest. If Ice-T tells you what to do, you do it. The band was tight and talented, and the songs were topical and pretty infectious. Add a hefty dose of Ice-T being extremely Ice-T and you’ve got one unforgettable performance. “I PLAY ONE ON TV!” the Law & Order actor reminded us as the band closed their set with “Cop Killer.” You love to see it!

After Body Count left the stage, I spent the next two and a half hours standing in front of the rail waiting for my main attraction, DEVO. I had been there for their final pre-COVID performance almost two years prior, and it seemed unbelievable that the wait was finally over. Their set began with a 70s film of the band tussling with their fictionalized pushover manager, Rod Rooter. It was followed by a recently shot clip of the same guy riding an exercise bike and wearing a tiger print tracksuit. Disappointed that the band he once managed wasn’t doing stadiums “like Kid Rock,” he sardonically reintroduced the band to the audience. (They aren’t your everyday boy band.) It was a reminder that, as much as you may want them to go away, DEVO never truly will. Even with two frontmen having recovered from COVID-19, the spud boys still carry force, talent, and an electrifying presence. In fact, they incited such a frenzy that I spent a good amount of the show ducking crowd surfers who got dangerously close to crushing me. Security guards cradled them like Booji Boy babies as they passed one by one over the rails before being shooed to the back of the crowd. Later I overheard that their forceful performance of “Secret Agent Man” incited a fist fight farther back in the mass of de-evolving dregs. If a mini-militia of costume changing, whip-smart punk scientists in or nearing their seventies can still hold it, don’t listen to Rod: they still shoot straight. See DEVO while you still can.

“Freedom of Choice” completed the band’s set; the group had apparently been under threat of getting the cord pulled due to going over their time limit, which would have been blasphemy. The next thing I knew I was sprinting across the sunset lit field as the Flaming Lips’ set opener—“Race For The Prize,” of all songs—echoed across the darkening park. I was able to blend into the crowd as the happy-sad hymn to medical progress came to a close. How else would they open a post-vax concert? I spent the majority of their awe inducing performance in a haze fueled by exhaustion, awe, and second hand smoke. Slightly hypnotized by the neon psychedelic video backdrop, assimilating with the seizure inducing swirl seemed much more preferable to walking to the train station.

Eventually, the lights on the Roots stage dimmed and Wayne Coyne’s virus proof giant bubble deflated for the last time. We worked our way through the darkness to reorient ourselves and ended up catching a portion of the night’s closing performance, the Slipknot spectacle, from afar. We reunited with a friend we had chatted with earlier in the day and took the opportunity to rib on the group. We all agreed that, while they were obviously dedicated to their presentation, their musical content couldn’t live up to it. At another stage out of our range, Machine Gun Kelly, the creepy rapper turned equally creepy pop punk poser, was also playing. Another example of when immaculately crafted style outweighs substance. Interesting that the two bands immediately behind them on the billing—the Lips and the VOs—were the ones who actually hit a successful combination of the two. Life is not fair.

But the pain of Machine Gun Kelly’s existence did not ruin the weekend, as weird as it was to witness such a large crowd once more. It was a time of strange euphoria and semi-reluctant indulgence. It was relieving that the long stretch of boredom that had made up life up until that point was finally interrupted by a brief blip of in person camaraderie. There’s no wonder why stepping out of those gates for the last time and taking that final train ride felt as if something was being lost. If only the fun could last forever.

[becca-e-barnes]

becca i literally feel you on a spiritual leval , im so SCARED to text people i care about bc then I KNOW i would get distracted or some stuff might come up and i would leave the convo abruptly and they might feel bad , this shit has led to me having literally just two friends , i have no contact with anyone i went to school with , everybody has drifted apart , i had a bestie but now we are very distant because of this very reason , i kept Missing her messages , sometimes i miss the comfort she gave me , but i can't undo shit right . Also , i feel horrible because my brother has been suicidal for a while and i try to stay in contact as much as i can , i talk to him everyday , last night he was really in a bad space and my phone just died , it was my fault bc i lost my charger and he thought i just went off in the conversation and he felt super bad , his girlfriend ( who's a very very sweet person ) , texted me in the morning that he said he felt abandoned by me and i just -

I feel so helpless becca , i want this to get better . Im so sorry for this long ass shit when you've so much of your own to deal with but I love you . Remeber, you're the sweetest person ever and everyone who's ever had a chance to cross paths with you is a lucky son of a bitch . You'll get through anything thrown at you .

Honey!! I feel like I can’t even advise on this because I’m so guilty of not replying to people myself! I’m honestly just glad to see other people feel the same? Bc sometimes I just don’t feel like I have the capacity to help my friend so I don’t message her in the hopes that she’ll feel better on her own somehow and that doesn’t help either of us!! I just feel more guilty!

But I would say my bestie and I kind of drifted apart a few months ago and it was entirely my fault. I just felt like I was the person she went to when she needed to offload? And at the time I felt like I couldn’t handle my own shit, never mind hers. But we sorted things out!! I had to mend the bridge I’d been burning down and I’m so so fucking glad I did! So it’s maybe not too late to fix things with your bestie! 💗

And honestly, with your brother and the whole situation with your phone, you shouldn’t feel guilty about that!! There really is genuinely nothing you could’ve done! Please don’t carry that guilt because, thank God, everything went okay!

Hopefully you’ve had a chat with your brother since then and explained it all to him and I’m sure he understands! It happens to everyone! If you’d like, let me know and I could make up a list of support services for crisis situations that’s specific to your country/ region that you could direct your brother to if he’s ever in a similar mindset and you know your phone is about to die. At least that way he would have something if his gf isn’t around? Just a thought, idk! But don’t feel guilty and if you feel like helping him out is taking it’s toll on your own mental health, get some support yourself!

[pochapal]

rank every year of the 2010s from best to worst i want some pochapal lore

[warning for discussion of my fucked up mental health and my myriad traumas. we’re really opening the pandora’s box here gang]

ok time for me to overshare on the internet again! super long post because i can’t shut up and you asked for it. anyway, by objective ranking: 

#1: 2012 - halcyon era, my personal peak. spent the whole year writing hunger games oc fics with my deviantart fanfiction besties whom i still think about all the time and always hope are having the best possible day. if you were here for this era understand i still hold you so closely and dearly in my heart <3. 

#2: 2013 - god i was such a good example of a human being back then. was the year my writing like actually took off and i had a healthy balance between creative stuff and a social life (said social life consisting of spending lunchtimes at school breaking into classrooms and discussing fandom shit with five other people. reading homestuck updates in the music room on one person’s really shaky mobile data...legendary). highlight of the year and maybe my life was in the april of 2013 when i got out of failing to submit a hard deadline essay by telling my english teacher i wrote a whole novel over the two week break and then producing said novel. god i wish i had that level of like. fucking confidence back me back then knew what i wanted and how to get it. 

#3: 2010 - the last year of childhood. i was 12 and played pokemon all the time with my friends and went places and had a moderately successful youtube channel and it didn’t matter that i was bullied so badly at school because i was basically high off life. summer of 2010 was so good specifically. i’d used to get the bus with a friend and go see movies and break into historical sites and get into normal childhood mayhem and maxed out my pokewalkers twice a month and i was buzzed because i had two (2) whole friendship groups to choose from and that was such a huge deal to me the terminal social outcast. it was so simple and carefree and even though everything and everyone involved in this era grew up to suck except for one specific person i kinda really miss it.

#4: 2018 - this was the first year i wasn’t depressed to the point of nonfunctioning. it was 20gayteen, i was on antidepressants, i was as close to thriving as i got at uni (going into town with people once a week, attending art and culture events, getting good grades across the board), i started to write for fun again, i got my cat whom i love dearly, i was exhibited in my uni’s city’s literature festival, GOD i actually nearly attended a pride event that year can you imagine. this year was basically my life’s second peak. miss getting the 8am train and daintily sipping on a cherry coke to keep me from passing out. wish this time could have lasted longer.

#5: 2019 - kinda absolute middle of the road year not for lack of anything happening but because the overwhelming amount of good and bad things cancelled each other out. so like there’s the fact that i was at the top of my uni game this year, was basically making the first steps into a professional writing career (covid i will never forgive you for killing all that dead </3), finally saved up enough to buy myself a gaming pc, and the summer after the homestuck epilogues, but equally 2019 was the start of the Pochapal Gender Fiasco which is by far the most horrible thing i am still currently undergoing and i burnt myself out mentally about halfway through the year (being stuck overnight in a hospital for a panic attack absolutely horrible horrible irredeemable) and then got like super death plague flu that i was sick with for three months (literally recovered less than a month before rona hit. god’s cruel karma.). so like...it kind of averaged out? the good shit was good but not as great as other years and the bad shit was awful but nowhere near as terrible as it could have been. gotta give a shoutout to 90% of my current mutual cohort for following me in 2019...omelette route gang make some noise !!

#6: 2014 - oof. this year essentially marked the start of a four year long downward mental health spiral because everything fell into awful alignment. i’d just turned 16, finished secondary school, had all my friends up and ditch me at once, was home alone for a whole summer, and was hit with Sudden Intense Body Image Issues that i couldn’t explain until uh. after very recent developments lmao. this one goes out to the me of july 2014 who did nothing but lay in bed and listen to the same two marina albums on a loop because fuck i’m attracted to men and also my facial and body hair are really starting to come in and if i think about this for too long i will literally kill myself because oh god i can’t handle getting older which is clearly and definitely the issue going on here. my brain fucking broke super hardcore and it’s a miracle that an overeating disorder was like the worst thing i walked away with. 

#7: 2015 - downward spiral year two!! i was so volatile this year it was such a mess. i was totally socially isolated after a brief stint of falling in with a group of people at the start of my first year of sixth form until january where in quick succession a) it turned out every single one of these people was friends with the person who sexually assaulted me whom i obviously had a lot of complicated feelings towards and b) baby’s first crush came out as bisexual but in the “women and also trans women” kind of way which tore me up so terribly in ways i couldn’t begin to understand. no words for the experience of seeing a girl kiss a boy and crying so hard at night you threw up because you could never be her no matter how much you wanted it. actually kinda get the sense what was going on there was bigger than just some crush lmao. then after that i was so mentally ill i basically attended school less than half the time and it was the only year in my life i failed my exams. i ended up having to resit my entire set of first year a level exams because jesus christ was i in such a bad way it was a miracle i even showed up to them. all i did was either have anxiety attacks or enter bedbound depressive slumps for weeks at a time. but it’s okay because it gets worse.

#8: 2016 - downward spiral act iii: the spiralling. prefacing this by saying that i actually had two whole good months (april - may) in that i was functioning enough to do my exams and finish school with decent grades. the rest was super extra mega terrible. my school attendance for year 13 dipped below 65% and literally the only thing that kept me from being kicked out was the fact that i was naturally smart at the subjects i took and also because the school would have a lot to answer for after letting me get to that state despite having a hefty file on how damaged i was. keep in mind every single part of this was fully untreated btw - i was just floundering around and letting it all fester. i spent three solid weeks going to school but locking myself in the bathroom all day every day and having mental health episodes then going home like nothing else happened only to continue the breakdown that night. then things got kicked into fucked up overdrive when i moved out to uni and was cut off from what little support structures i did have. it was so bad all i did was cry all the time and never went anywhere to the point where three separate sources recommended me to the wellbeing and crisis counselling service that i stopped going to after two sessions because i was fucked up in ways cbt techniques could not even touch. at least i tried to make an effort for the first two months of uni which like. good for me?

#9: 2017 - what lieth at the base of the spiral. helltrench year. i was at literal rock bottom. i stopped going to class, i didn’t hand in a single piece of work. i lied to my parents and would book trains each day only to go back to my student flat and sit there and contemplate suicide. like i would just slump on the floor in a catatonic state and vividly contemplate one of four or so ways i could end my own life. i only didn’t because i wanted to wait until the summer to collect my last student loan and transfer it to my parents as an apology for my death which obviously didn’t end up happening. honestly i can’t remember much of the first half of 2017 that’s how bad it was. i remember taking a gender studies class and the teacher made it Weird that i was the Only Male Student in the room and then she sent me a scolding email after i walked out halfway through a class and never returned. apparently i got into a lot of online discourse in this year but i don’t remember anything other than being put on a blocklist by the milkfic author over ace discourse which is funny if you have the context. mostly i just baited terfs and weirdo freaks to get them to say horrible things to me as what i guess amounts to some kind of digital self harm. anyway breaking point came in late august when i got kicked out of university and then nobody could ignore it any more so there was no choice left but for me to seek out help and recover enough to function which luckily i did. i really Do Not remember 2017. you could tell me anything about that year and i’d probably believe you.

#10: 2011 - extra circle of hell for this little fucked up gem of a year. on the surface it wasn’t actually that terrible, until the Summer 2011 Domino Effect Of Bad Shit. up until like may/june it was a pretty all right year! i was 13 and had a surprisingly successful youtube channel uploading pokemon soundfont remixes to an audience of i think ~350-400 subscribers at my peak? anyway then i got hit with the early summer triple combo of childhood friends moving away, cute and quirky sexual assault at the hands of a person in my friend group, and then having some Really Great and Super Appropriate interactions with adults on deviantart. like obviously there’s the actual ptsd-inducing event which totally disrupted and killed the person i was right up until that moment and reshaped every facet of my life for better or worse (there’s an alternate timeline where that didn’t happen and i got into electronic music and/or coding instead) but really it’s the events that followed in its wake which were kind of more fucked up. so like all of a sudden i was super aware of my body and me growing my hair out and being mistaken for a girl in class suddenly became this Less Innocent thing and i ended up spending hours overnight going to transgender questioning forums and looking up hrt timeline videos and having the wikipedia article on tracheal shaving saved because it was a life raft to me whose voice was imminently gonna deepen and i was simultaneously reeling with constant trauma flashbacks and the whole thing was so so fucked up. then i was on deviantart and i don’t remember exactly how but a small group of furry guys ten to fifteen years older than me started messaging me and encouraging and requesting me to produce nonsexual fetish stuff for them and talking to me about stuff like if i’d ever thought about growing up to be gay and i didn’t think anything of it for a long while because they called me a very talented writer and it felt so good to have someone be nice to me after being so alone and isolated for months on end. anyway the only reason i got out of that before it got bad was because they invited me to one of the big furry sites and i was weirded out because i thought it was a porn site and thinking about sexual stuff was a huge trauma trigger so i just ended up blocking them all and pretending like it didn’t happen. at the time half this shit didn’t bother me but in retrospect holy fuck 2011 was such a damaging year. to think if like three events didn’t happen i wouldn’t be the fucked up mess you see before you today.

god fuck this turned out super long but i’m not apologising because this was a therapeutic exercise for me and also constitutes as one of the biggest pochapal lore dumps of all time. come get your food or whatever.

[quillyfied]

Mega Good Omens Fic Rec Post 1

OH BOY Y’ALL IT’S HERE

This is the first string of fics I would wholeheartedly recommend from my bookmarks (probably first of three, we’ll see). There are 65 fics sorted into 9 categories: Jaunts Through History/Canon; South Downs; Post-Apocalypse; Bus Ride/Night Before/Heaven and Hell; AU/UA (UA is Universe Alternate, where everything is the same, just...a bit to the left. I feel like that term has more nuance, idk); Soft; Touch-Starved/Body Worship/Wings; Bonus; H/C /Whump/BAMF. These will be the same categories for every fic rec post in this vein. I try to include warnings for sex and gore, if applicable, but please check the tags of each fic before you read, just in case.

Mega GOmens Fic Rec Post MASTER

PLEASE LET ME KNOW IF I BROKE A LINK OR MISATTRIBUTED SOMETHING.

I don’t read explicit works and I’m not a big fan of Human!AUs so there’s not any of those, but there’s a bit of just about everything else. Please enjoy! Hope the ReadMore works, sorry for folks on mobile if it doesn’t!

JAUNTS THROUGH HISTORY/CANON

1. Bright With His Splendour – Daegaer (T, specifically book-verse. This is an exquisite look at the developments in Crowley himself, especially as it relates to his war-related traumas in the War in Heaven and later WWI. The Arrangement is Aziraphale’s idea here, which is awesome. Highly emotional and visceral.)

2. Whatever Road We Choose – @ri-writing (T, the one where Aziraphale gets jumped by some demons and Crowley nurses him back to health, and Aziraphale has to confront his worldview when he realizes Heaven never responded to his call for help. Quiet and powerful as Aziraphale starts to realize Crowley isn’t everything he thought he was and maybe Heaven isn’t, either.)

3. Linked – @chekhov (T, the one where Crowley shows up in Bukhara and Aziraphale has to pretend to capture him so his angel intern doesn’t destroy Crowley entirely. Has a lot of fun moments and emotional growth in play. And yearning. Lots and lots of yearning.)

4. The Demon Favourite – @kanna-ophelia (T, the one where Crowley is posing as a nobleman and manages to build himself a little ramshackle family, and Aziraphale takes care of them when Crowley gets himself discorporated. Extremely tender, lots of Crowley cooing over babies.)

5. Akashic Records – @penig (Generally G, one T, the series where Crowley is head-over-heels from the start and broadcasts it loudly, and Aziraphale is in Panic Protective Mode. The series is gorgeous and vibrant, the characterizations are so spot-on and yet fresh, the dialogue is perfect, the character growth is delicious. I can’t gush enough about this one.)

6. But The Old Love Was Not So – BuggreAlleThis (G, the one written in the style of Le Morte d’Arthur about Aziraphale’s final few days in the court of King Arthur. Hilarious with the promise of emotional pain to come in the second half.)

7. flightless bird (dumb, wild, and free) – JennaCupcakes (@veganthranduil) (T, the one where Crowley and Aziraphale make out for half of history while Aziraphale has an ongoing existential crisis about being a broken angel. Poignant, sensual, culminates in a deliciously fraught confrontation where Aziraphale has to finally sort himself out and Crowley says some hard but true things. I once spent three hours trying to find this fic again without remembering the title so now it’s kinda ingrained.)

8. Nanny Knows Best – @patricianandclerk (M, rest of series is T, the one where Crowley endures some truly horrible experiences while serving as Warlock’s nanny. Adorable relationship between Warlock and Crowley, and it’s only getting better. The dynamic with Aziraphale is nuanced and beautiful. Rating for sexual harassment and groping, and it’s a bit of a difficult read at times during those moments, so be careful.)

9. The Holy Essence of Experience – Dragonsquill (T, the one where Aziraphale and Crowley have loved each other almost since the beginning, but have been very careful to not put a name to it. The yearning is real and so gorgeous. The scene just before they come up with their plan to avert Armageddon haunts me.)

10. The Arrangement – @writeonclara (T, the one where Aziraphale and Crowley try to get a handle on this sex thing. Non-explicit, hilarious, and unique! I can only assume the rating will probably be going up, which makes me sad because it’s hard to find nonexplicit fics that still deal with what sex brings to a relationship, but what’s written for now is well worth it.)

11. And After – @randomacts13 (T, the series where Crowley and Aziraphale work through their self-worth and have lots of flashbacks. The first one involves Crowley taking care of a seed that keeps dying and leaving another seed behind, which is not at all feeding into his self-hatred; the second has Crowley and Warlock gluing coins to the sidewalk; the third is about Aziraphale on a one-way flight to Complete Mental Breakdown if he doesn’t get some help for his anxiety and repressed emotions soon.)

12. The road to rapture has a lot of pit stops – emmagrant01 (E but only for the sixth chapter, the one where Aziraphale and Crowley have shared five kisses throughout history and one where they meant it. People like me who don’t like explicit material can skip Chapter 6 (or just read until they smooch) and go straight to the epilogue. The rest of it is amazing; every kiss is believable in context and has such good lead-up. Very romantic, very good.)

13. Round and Round the Garden – SanSanFanFan (G, the one where Brother Francis and Nanny Ashtoreth get up to some hanky-panky beneath a willow tree while Warlock sleeps in his pram. Just sweet and silly fluff.)

14. Flecks of Light and Dark – volunteerfd (T, the one where Aziraphale learns to deal with his emotions. Has a really beautiful recurring thing of Crowley and Aziraphale making up stories of who they’d be if they were human, and Aziraphale doing his best to do good and help even when Heaven ties his hands.)

15. Before the Water Rises – VitreousHumor (T, the one where Crowley and Aziraphale become friends while helping a village make rafts to escape the Flood. Has a lot of really cute moments and some pretty exquisite romantic tension.)

16. Beneath the Stars – @brooklynbabybucky (G, the one where Crowley asks Aziraphale to cut his hair. Just has some really lovely imagery and a sweet bonding moment.)

17. lit in the darkness – @toedenandbackagain (M, the one where Crowley and Aziraphale share a bed sometimes throughout history. Warnings for some sexual content in chapters 7 and 14, but each chapter has its own warnings in the description. Presents some beautiful bonding moments and the absolute finest pining known to man.)

 SOUTH DOWNS

18. The Play’s the Thing – volunteerfd (G, the one where Aziraphale is cast in the local production of Hamlet and Crowley is trying his best to be supportive of his truly awful actor husband. Hilarious and light and absolutely a classic.)

19. Parsley, Thyme, Sage, Daffodils – @mostweakhamlets (NR, the one where Aziraphale has a cooking YouTube channel and Crowley is camera-shy. Tackles PTSD in a really thoughtful way and is Peak Soft Cottage Husbands aesthetic, it really packs in the most warm fuzzies in a small package.)

20. to carthage then i came – @lvslie (T, the one where Crowley and Aziraphale move to the South Downs and learn to work through their issues around being together and being their own people after cutting ties with Heaven and Hell. Poetic, poignant, the last chapter is a thing of absolute beauty. Very heavily symbolic, that one.)

21. A Better Place for Us to Be – @befuddledmackem (T, the one where Crowley and Aziraphale tour a particular cottage. Deeply emotional, the Absolute Best Real Estate Pr0n if you also secretly watch HGTV and weep, has completely ruined any future house-buying opportunity I might have because nothing will be this sweet and perfect.)

22. Something We Were Withholding Made Us Weak – trieduntrue (M, the one where Crowley and Aziraphale move to the South Downs and very carefully orbit into something more like a relationship. Exquisite tension, beautifully-done pining and slow-burn, really fun bits of world building. M is for a sex scene at the very end but it’s easy to skip over, it’s small.)

23. reasons wretched and divine – @stammiviktor (T, the one where Crowley storms out after a fight and finds himself in an actual conversation with God. Highly emotional and a great look into Crowley’s head, both in how he feels about God and how he feels about Aziraphale.)

24. The Sprawl of Life – @dietraumerei (T and G, the series where Crowley and Aziraphale settle into village life quite well. Has sex-positive asexual characters, which is fun (brief note about that: it’s not explicit, but the places it happens, there is clear leadup and it can get a bit intense, so take care of yourselves). Has touches of angst that balance beautifully with the fluff, lots of BAMF Aziraphale for the soul.)

25. Seashells and Fingerpainting – Vagabond (@waffleironbiddingwar) (T, and I recommend this one specifically from the series, can be read independently: the one where Gabriel is sent to the South Downs for a time out. This is quite possibly the best Gabriel character study I have ever seen; it’s tender and heartbreaking and somehow you find yourself rooting for Gabriel to figure out why he’s being punished despite yourself. All the warm fuzzies. All of them. Read the whole series, it’s great!)

 POST-APOCALYPSE

26. Laugh When It Sinks In – @tenoko1 (G, the one where Crowley helps Aziraphale build a home in the bookshop flat. Another one that feeds right into my interior decorating itch. So sweet and uplifting, will absolutely make you feel proud of Aziraphale.)

27. Chosen and Unchosen – Bookwormgal (T, the one where the kids have to go save Aziraphale and Crowley from Heaven and Hell. Has some EXCELLENT Warlock characterization and some really good tension between him and Adam, and the angst is properly upsetting. A right good adventure romp that’s really starting to ramp up.)

28. Resonance – Macx (T, the one where Crowley and Aziraphale become something Else. Good world building, beautiful romance, and Gabriel getting told off. Love how Crowley and Aziraphale growing into their new roles is handled, and how Adam unexpectedly ties in at the end.)

29. Falling Heavenward – @kanna-ophelia (T, the one where Crowley unexpectedly has to win his angel back because of a really twisty deal with Heaven. This one is a pretty wild ride, but I would say the centerpiece is Fallen Gabriel, who becomes Asmodeus. It becomes a battle for Aziraphale’s heart, though Asmodeus isn’t in it for the feels so much as the revenge, obviously. Really interesting premise and something to read if rooting for Crowley is a way you like to spend your time.)

30. A Leisurely Stroll Down – Saturniidae (@Saturniiddae) (M, the one where Crowley and Aziraphale have to fight for their relationship. Has some sexual content that isn’t explicit, and gore that really sort of is. I have thrown things and cried a little at this one, but that was the price for reading while it was still updating. Absolutely gorgeous in every way. Also has God speaking through a household object and it’s hilarious.)

31. From God’s Perspective – Unfortunately (T, the one where God comes down personally to interfere in Her children’s business. The absolute best portrayal of God in any fic ever, really humanizes her in the best ways. I love how she interacts with her angel and demon children. It’s almost more of a character study of God than anything. And yes, the Sound of Music is sung.)

 BUS RIDE/NIGHT BEFORE/HEAVEN AND HELL

32. Worth Knowing – summersage (T, the one where Aziraphale and Crowley discuss the Fall and manage Miltonian angel sex despite it. Has a take on how the Fall works that I was thinking about but couldn’t find words for until this fic, and it’s absolutely fantastic. The Miltonian angel sex is esoteric and weird and not at all erotic, but it is beautiful. The mortifying ordeal of being KNOWN indeed.)

33. Legendary Lovers; Your Hand in Mine – @tenoko1 (G, the one where Crowley and Aziraphale regroup in a hotel instead of his flat and have a bit of a knock-down-drag-out. Crowley is angry and scared and so in love he can’t stand it, and Aziraphale is practically going at light speed in confronting and knocking down his own barriers, and it’s highly emotionally charged and wonderful.)

 AU/UA

34. Love of My Life – @ellewrites4 (T, the one where Crowley and Aziraphale get together very early and make it work all throughout history. Gorgeous romance, and the fallout from the Holy Water caper and the bandstand breakup are EXQUISITE. Peak emotional turmoil, sweet boundary negotiation, forgiveness and love and anxiety and fear—just delicious.)

35. True Love and High Adventure – @grifalinas (T, the one that’s a Princess Bride au. Absolutely on-point casting, wonderful writing style, the perfect escape fic for a little while. Incomplete but still worth the read.)

36. Inverse Omens – @amuseoffyre (T, the one where Aziraphale is a demon with a p0_rn shop and Crowley is an angel running a community center from a bombed-out church. Y’all recommended this to me on my demon!Aziraphale rating post, and it’s AMAZING. Perfect characterization and a wonderful retelling. Warning for Chapters 11 and 12, Aziraphale’s Nanny Ashtoreth messes with the Dowling parents in far more direct ways and there’s scenes of Mr. Dowling jerking it, so take care, friendos. Also Aziraphale makes the filthiest double entendres and it’s delightful. Also also Crowley needs all the hugs.)

37. A Blaze of Light – @wingedspirit (T, the one where Crowley is Raphael and he and Aziraphale make a Pact instead of an Arrangement. This one is a wild adventure, friends, and a riveting one. The Pact puts an interesting spin on their developing relationship, and by the time it gets to TV canon, it’s already off the rails in the best ways. Also Crowley has some pretty heavy depression that manifests in his former Archangel-level powers blowing up a bit, which is cool. Should be wrapping up soon and I’m pumped for it!)

38. it’s high time that you love me, cause you do it so well – mygalfriday (T, the one where Crowley can’t physically say the word “love” but can diddly dang well show it if he wants. Already super sweet but the confession scene at the end is just incredible.)

39. Hold the Line – sum_nemo (T, the one that’s a Pacific Rim AU. I adore PacRim, you guys, and this one is just *chef’s kiss*. Puts Crowley as Raleigh (lost his twin sister copilot) and Aziraphale as Mako and includes a pretty painful shared past between them, which is already simmering and delicious. Can’t wait to see where this one goes.)

40. The Truth Remains – @wanderingalicewrites (NR, the one where Crowley was Raphael, had a good relationship with his siblings, was in love with Aziraphale, and knew he was destined to Fall. Aziraphale is still in mourning for Raphael and Crowley is still working out the point of his existence, so there’s some very good pining and existential dread up in the mix. A highly interesting take on the situation and very, very good at punching you in the feels with the flashbacks to Heaven and how different things are now, especially with the other Archangels. LOL it just updated while I was writing this and I am UNDONE, I am in PAIN, the bandstand scene always hurts but NOT LIKE THIS. ALSO MORE ARCHANGEL FEELS, HOW DID THIS HAPPEN)

41. Everything Dark and Unseen – @enjambament (M, the one that’s a Psyche and Eros retelling. After the Fall but before Eden, Heaven and Hell need a truce, so they marry Crowley and Aziraphale to keep the peace in a symbolic sort of binding. A beautiful romance, an excellent action sequence, the cutest OC creatures, the best OC angels, and I wish there was a continuation of how canon progressed with this monumental change in their history bc I am THIRSTY for more. Rated M for a kinda-sorta sexy scene but there’s not really Efforts sooo…it’s more sensual than sexual? I guess? Either way, highly recommended.)

42. The Name of the Star is Wormwood – LusBeatha (T, the one where Crowley was Raphael and the Fruit of Knowledge of Good and Evil was a fly agaric mushroom. It is exactly as eccentric as it sounds, but presented in such a way that it actually makes sense. It jumps around in time, but the storyline taking place in the present is looking like Armageddon 2.0. Beautifully written, great take on canon.)

43. Sticks and Stones – @justkeeptrekkin (T, the one where Crowley takes on the guise of Casanova while trying to get over Aziraphale and Aziraphale shows up, whoops. GORGEOUS imagery, the most scrumptious pining, and if y’all appreciated the 2005 Pride and Prejudice dance scene, the one in here will about blow that one out of the water, if you can believe it. Knocked the breath right out of me.)

44. Yearning to Hold You Close – @guanin (T, the one where Aziraphale has a relationship with King Richard and asks Crowley to help save him, and there is a big sticky mess of feelings when they realize Richard and Crowley look almost exactly alike. In part inspired by David Tennant playing Richard II. A delicious, delicious emotional quandary where Crowley and Richard both wonder if Aziraphale only loves them because they look like each other, and Aziraphale doesn’t know how to say what he feels. Very sweet, very emotionally fraught.)

 SOFT

45. Just This Once – @julia-writes-fanfic (T, the one where Crowley and Aziraphale kiss in the 90s and it’s amazing. The drunk 90s kiss is already good, but them revisiting it sober in 2010 makes both even better.)

46. A Sky Full of Stars – @kedreeva (G, the one where Aziraphale takes Crowley someplace where they can see the cosmos. The first GOmens fic I ever bookmarked, so I felt like including it, because it’s unbelievably sweet and has amazing visuals.)

47. The Serpent and the Seagull – @ineffably-good (G and T, the series where Aziraphale misses Crowley so he gets a little pet snake. Frederick the snake is among the best of the GOmens OCs, hilarious and foul-mouthed and once Crowley starts being able to understand him, it only gets better. Frederick likes helping his pets work their problems out so they’ll leave him alone to sleep. It’s extremely cute.)

48. The Discerning Black Swan – @lwtis (T, the one where Crowley is definitely not projecting on a black swan desperately trying to court a white mute swan in St James’ Park. I love how Crowley interfaces with his emotional problems through the swan, and the visual of the two swans is gorgeous.)

49. What A Demon Dreams – @whatawriterwields (G, the one where Crowley has some weird dreams, dude. I love the symbolism and the imagery in this one, it’s really vivid. It’s hard to pull off a concept like this so I respect how the author is able to do it and make it work.)

 TOUCH STARVED/WINGS/BODY WORSHIP

50. Sunlight – crorvid (M, the one where Aziraphale is a touch-starved angel. Doesn’t deserve the M rating, in my opinion, but Aziraphale does feel the touching during their makeouts very intensely and it’s incredibly satisfying.)

51. The Curious Attractiveness of Others – @giddygeek (T, the one where Crowley finally gets to groom Aziraphale’s wings and Aziraphale gets to show Crowley how tender that can be. Another one with some great world building tucked into the corners, and emotionally satisfying grooming.)

52. Broken Wings – werebear (@werebeary) (T and M, the series where wing grooming is incredibly intimate and I got the vapors from the tenderness. Also the first time I saw anything about preen glands. The second one is rated M because the preening gets a bit…intense. Not sexual, exactly, but it’s close. Very passionate.)

53. Birthmark – Linebreaker (G, the one where Crowley has a scar on his lower back and a sad story to go with it. This one needs a bit of a harder rating, imo, and there’s one line that’s a bit Much, but otherwise it’s a sad and beautiful look at a potential reason why Crowley hates the fourteenth century so much. Lots of Crowley body worship packed into few words, very satisfying.)

54. They Are A Pale Picture of You – @ineffablefool (T, the one where they go for a walk during winter and things are just Soft. Ineffablefool has a wealth of body-positive asexual GOmens fics, but I think I like this one best, it’s sweet and adorable and some jerk who insults Aziraphale’s weight rightly gets the worst day of his life. Also Crowley compares Aziraphale in his winter wear to a plump little bird and it’s cute imagery.)

 BONUS

55. Ineffable Bureaucracy Drabbles – Shift7 (T, the series of short fics where Gabriel and Beelzebub are kinda-sorta falling into friendship and being very judicious about it. Lots of paperwork, very orderly.)

56. Ineffable Bureaucracy – @eshnoazot (T and G, a series of longer fics where Gabriel and Beelzebub are navigating a careful arrangement of their own. Still lots of paperwork, of course, but there’s also emotional friction and conflict resolution. Excellent characterizations. Wednesday night Thai and Friendship night is a+++++. Gabriel deffo called a board meeting to talk about his feelings.)

57. A Bentley Sang in Berkeley Square – CastielHamilton (G, the one where the Bentley is sentient and a good, good girl. She is doing her best and I love her. Basically the series from her point of view.)

58. Fairest and Fallen – VitreousHumor (T, the series where Beelzebub and Gabriel encounter each other a few times and Gabriel tries his best to remember their shared pre-Fall history. Poignant, sad, and beautiful.)

59. Observer Effect – SquarePudding (T, the series where the Grigori in charge of recording Aziraphale’s Earthly movements starts to ship him and Crowley and records their romance. The Grigori, Rezathaniel, is a precious baby who needs to develop a better palate outside of “greasy literal garbage” and has 0 chill when it comes to their ship. They’re kind of like a celebrity blogger at this point but watching their character growth in the first story is very sweet.)

60. Soul of Vellum, Heart of Chrome – @29-pieces (G, the one where the Bentley and the Bookshop are sentient and very protective of their owners. This one is going to KILL ME with the plot I wasn’t expecting—Heaven and Hell are hunting Aziraphale and Crowley down again, so the Bentley and the Bookshop do their best to help. They’re doing so good and I’m so proud of them, it’s not their fault things went a bit south. Precious beans. Good, good things.)

61. Real Fire and Brimstone Stuff – @jessikast (G, the one where college-age Warlock helps accidentally summon his Nanny and a lot of things start to make sense. A very sweet story about Warlock getting closure and getting back in touch with Crowley and Aziraphale through the weirdest means possible.)

 H/C /WHUMP/BAMF

62. Broken Hallelujah – @atlantis-is-burning (T, the one where Hastur comes to kill Aziraphale and Crowley and it’s ugly, folks. It is kinda gory and it is injury-ridden and painful, very touch-and-go for a bit. It ends well, though, and Hastur gets his, which is the Best. Tore me up one side and down the other in all the best ways.)

63. Fall Here – @marbledwings (T, the one where Aziraphale and Crowley are easing into a relationship in fits and starts, and then Crowley gets snatched. This one was AGONIZING to wait for it to update, so be glad it’s complete, because it gets pretty dark for a while. Be warned of torture, though it’s mostly implied and it’s the aftermath that’s dealt with most. It absolutely sticks the landing at the end, and has a great characterization of Michael.)

64. how deep the sand – Handful_of_Silence (G, the series where Aziraphale is trapped in a glass bubble in a wizard’s basement for fifty years and the ensuing aftermath. Feels mostly book-verse, but there are some cues from the show. Intense and realistic and emotional and heavy, drags you through the darkness and you appreciate the light all the more for it. A beautiful story.)

65. you taught me how to love, (it’s me who taught you how to stop) – @clankclunk (G, or the one where Aziraphale comes to find out that you can’t just rush into a relationship after six thousand years of repression. This one is absolutely murdering me. The angst is real. The hurt is real. I’m hoping the fluff and comfort promised in the tags is coming soon because WOW. Has a fantastically haunting view of what happens to angels, who are highly emotive beings, when they fall into depression. And Crowley’s adverse reactions to praise and love are so realistic and painful. Ouch.)

[archeiafaith]

Sam and Dean Take A Vacation

Note: This fic takes place during season 2 of spn right after John dies. Check out the full story on Wattpad where I post chapters regularly. Link in the chat!

Warning: This story deals with mental health issues, and grief.

Tags: Romance, drama, comedy, violence, monsters, demons, mystery, grief, mental health, magic, ghosts

Relationships: TBD

Summary: Dean lost everything, he never felt this heartbroken and alone before in his entire life. John Winchester was dead, that much was true. And Dean's entire world had flipped on a dime. His death was one of honor by sacrificing his own life for his eldest son Dean. John's soul was finally taken by the one true evil that infected his world by just a single drop of blood. Leaving behind a burden to his only kin, John whispered a secret to his son on his deathbed that gave Dean a lot to consider about his future, and his little brother's. While dealing with their grief wasn't enough, try adding an endless army of demons and monsters hunting the brothers down for a reason they have no idea why. With no one and nowhere to turn to left, Dean in a desperate attempt for an escape, approached his depressed brother Sam for a much-needed vacation.

Prologue

John Winchester was dead, that much was true. His death was one of honor by sacrificing his own life for his eldest son Dean. John’s soul was finally taken by the one true evil that infected his world from the beginning by just a single drop of blood.

Ever since the demon purged its way into John’s existence over twenty years ago and took his one true love, his life had shifted. This affected every person around John Winchester, some of those people being his two young sons, Sam and Dean. John embraced the hunter lifestyle to destroy all evil and to find the demon that massacred his wife. He brought his children along with him on his destiny, and in turn, created their own.

Dean was the eldest son. He took the role of big, protective brother naturally and with ease. Being older, Dean was able to develop a closer bond with his mother, Mary. He wanted to avenge his mother's unexpected death, so he adapted to the hunter lifestyle and became his Father’s perfect soldier. 

Sam, on the other hand, was only an infant when his mother passed. He was unable to make that connection his father and brother had with his mother Mary. Although, Sam eventually became aware of the monsters hiding in the closet; he still did not care for the hunter’s lifestyle. He despised the danger of every situation his family ended up in as a result. Sam wished for something better, a normal life. 

Sam and Dean each had a very different relationship with their father. Sam’s experience is a bit more hostile than Dean’s. At the end of the day, they were a family and they would go to the ends of the earth for one another. 

John traded his life for Dean’s as a symbol of his true love for his family. Even though John spent the boy’s childhood chasing a yellow-eyed demon, he would always put their lives first. John sold his soul to the monster that murdered his wife in order to save his son and left the physical world. His soul then resided in hell. 

A father of two passed away that day, leaving behind a burden to his only kin. Dean took the mass of that burden, and he did not appreciate his father’s last request of him while on his deathbed. John left his eldest son with a head full of questions, confusion, and anger for what he asked of him. Because of this, Dean had way too much on his plate and he felt suffocated. He knew he needed to breathe, catch some air. After his father's passing, it was only him and Sam left.

Dean thought that after beating his father’s precious car to pulp it would release some of his inner tension. But it only served to make him feel worse, this car was his Baby after all. 

As time went by and the tension grew, Dean felt it was necessary to take a much-needed vacation, so he approached Sam, his younger, stubborn brother with the idea early one morning on the front patio of their current motel room. 

The brothers were in Northern America, having just wrapped up a hunting case dealing with a small nest of vampires. The morning after their victorious pursuit, Dean decided to pick up some breakfast burritos in hopes to entice and soften up Sam for his proposal. 

They sat upon old, wooden chairs on a small, blue porch. The sun was still rising, and mist surrounded their every sight from the cold chill of winter. Sam and Dean ate silently and watched the sun peak its way over the mountains. As Dean was taking another bite of his egg and bean-filled burrito, he smacked his lips and said, “You’re looking a little-tired man.”

Sam, who had been silently chewing small bites of his burrito, glanced at Dean through his bangs. 

“What's that supposed to mean?” asked Sam. 

Dean inhaled slowly through his nose, contemplating his answer. He took a huge bite out of his burrito to allow himself a few minutes of grace. Sam waited with a bored expression on his face.

Finally, Dean swallowed, “Well- I just mean that- look, Sam,” he paused a moment from fumbling over his words. Dean couldn’t figure out what to say to convince Sam that they both needed a break from 'the life'.  Usually, Dean buried his entire life into hunting when running into a crisis this massive. But somehow, this time..was different. Dean couldn’t quite put his finger on the reasoning he only knew that it stemmed from somewhere deep within. 

Dean could feel his younger brother growing impatient with him. He was wearing his usual pissed off look, his nose pinched, eyebrows downcast, and lip slightly curled. Seeing this vision always gave Dean a chuckle, somehow that look always reminded Dean of when they were children. Sam never grew out of his bitch phase. 

“Listen, Sam,” Dean begins again, “things have been pretty rough lately, and I don’t know about you but I’m exhausted. We hunt day in and day out, and usually, I’m fine with that-”

Sam opens his mouth ready to speak when Dean cuts him off, “hold on, Sam let me finish,” Dean held his brother’s gaze to leave no argument, “you know I hate talking about this crap, but all this hunting and killing with no break? I don’t know, Sammy it just doesn’t seem healthy to me. At least not for you! I mean, aren’t you usually the one who tries to get me to slow down and ‘talk about our feelings,’” Dean said while using quotation marks with his two pointer fingers, gesturing them up and down like bunny ears. 

Sam turned in his seat to fully look at Dean and shrugged his overly-sized shoulders, “I don’t know what you want from me here, Dean.”

Dean’s eyebrows furrowed even further, and it reminded Sam of the time Dean walked in on him polishing his car with the wrong oil. Sam already knows Dean is about to chastise him.

“Sammy, I don’t want anything from you. In fact, I like you just the way you are right here, right now. You got a delicious burrito in front of you, and you’re sitting on this front porch like a champ, gazing out into the beautiful scenery without a care in the world!” Dean finished his animated sales pitch by taking a triumphant bite out of his own burrito and looked fixedly into the sky.

Sam looked at him with immense confusion and a little bit of curiosity. Sam definitely wasn’t expecting that at all, what was Dean playing at anyway? Sam thought to himself. Something smells fishy to Sam, and it wasn’t from the nearby dumpster filled with last night’s salmon dinner.

They both ate the rest of their burritos in silence, glancing at each other every so often to see who was going to speak first. Dean finished his burrito, balled up the silver wrapping remaining, and tossed it into the nearby wastebasket.

Dean glanced at Sam once, twice, then sighed and clasped his hands together, “Welp, I guess that settles it then.”

Sam finished swallowing the last of his breakfast and looked up at Dean, who was now standing and wiping his hands on his jeans after making his statement. 

“What are you going on about now?” Sam asked.

“It’s decided. You and I,” he gestured between the both of them with his pointer finger, “are taking a vacation.”

[badsext]

Leaning Lessons

This is a request from @vinawyatt: Reader and Klaus know each other from rehab. Reader has relapse and Klaus helps her through it. 😊

Thank you for the request. I hope you like it.

Warnings: Drug abuse, relapse ————————————————————-

You were waiting for your flu shot in the multi purpose room filled on one side with folding tables and just a handful of folding chairs. The rest was standing room only. Rehab was crowded now because of the opioid crisis. It would be a long wait, but you didn’t mind. It gave you an excuse to chat with Klaus. You were casually slumped against the wall in your gray hoodie, hands in your pockets.

“What is this you’re doing?” He said, observing your posture. You just looked back at him confused. “I’ve gotta teach you how to lean…Observe…” Klaus posed dramatically against the wall next to you with his chin in the air, arms crossed and one knee bent.

“You look like a sullen teenager,” you laughed.

“Oh come on this is really sexy stuff,” he insisted. You laughed. He did look good, you just weren’t ready to let him hear it from you. The truth was, sometimes when he wasn’t looking, you’d stare at him like a cat watching a bird from a windowsill. A few minutes of this and you’d realize you were holding your breath, so enraptured that you forgot to perform the most basic biological task.

When his name was called, Klaus sauntered up and immediately started flirting with the handsome young medical tech administering the shot. The tech put on a new pair of gloves and cleaned a spot on Klaus’ tattoo covered bicep with an alcohol swab. I love the snap of latex in the morning,” Klaus joked. The tech remained professional, while a small smile tugged at the corner of his mouth. Klaus was encouraged. “Can’t you spice it up a little,“ Mark?” he added, reading his name tag. The tech administered the shot then fished around in a little basket of band aids, pulled out a spider-man, and stuck it over the wound. “See, that’s what I’m talking about,” Klaus said, blowing him a kiss. The tech just nodded politely and called the next patient.

You were giggling the entire time. He was such a lovable idiot. You wanted to know him better, but Klaus was not exactly an open book. In group sessions he made jokes, changed the subject. He’d already been through rehab six or seven times. He could probably run the program if he actually gave a shit. Your own recovery was…rocky. The physical dependency had faded, but the mental battle was only getting worse. Using helped you deal with your trauma, it silenced your demons. You felt your identity was so rolled up in guilt, shame, and coping mechanisms that underneath you didn’t even know yourself anymore.

You managed to finish the program. They stamped you with a clean bill of health and sent you back out into the world - not because you were well, but because they needed the bed. It was strange looking for a job again. You moved in with your cousin and her boyfriend until you could get back on your feet. She was a bad influence and her place was only four blocks from where you used to buy drugs. Hell, you could see yourself just falling into your old patterns almost by accident, forgetting the last six weeks entirely. That’s not how it happened though. It was very much on purpose.

You tried so hard to sleep that night, but you kept stressing out about the future. ‘Live in the moment’…'One day at a time…“ The rehab mantras were wearing thin. You sat up and reached for your phone. Your thumb hovered over Klaus’ name in your contacts list, but you changed your mind. You didn’t even realize you put your shoes on until your hand was on the door knob. 'Fuck it.’ The future was uncertain, but this was definitely hell on earth. Once you got your hands on that familiar little plastic baggie you knew you would be comforted. You knew what to expect. What you didn’t expect is that small part of your brain that had been changed in rehab spoke up just as the drugs were entering your system. That’s when you texted Klaus…Something vague, you couldn’t remember, but it must’ve done the trick because you woke up on a sofa in the Hargreeves mansion. Klaus had taken your shoes off and wrapped you in a quilt.

"What happened? You asked.

"You fell off the wagon in spectacular fashion.” Klaus was standing above you with a glass of water and some pills.

“What are those?” You sat up.

“They’re for the constipation.”

“Thanks, I’ll take them…later.” You said, then had a sip of water.

“Your tolerance is not what it used to be. I found you at the abandoned house on Lexington. We had a lively conversation about time travel and then you passed out in the cab.”

"But how did I get up here? Did you?…”

“Throw you over my shoulder and carry you? Yeah. I’m stronger than I look.” He smiled.

"I’m sorry,” your voice cracked and tears started welling up in your eyes. You stood up, thinking maybe it was best to leave.

“Y/N, It happens to the best of us.” His hand was on your shoulder, his eyes looking into yours reassuringly. Now you were full on crying embarrassing, ugly tears.

“Come here.” You stepped into his arms. He was quite a bit taller. He pulled the quilt up over your shoulders and bundled you close. Your body was tense. Your arms were tight against your chest, ready to push him away, to end this charade. A minute passed by, then several. Klaus just stood there with his arms wrapped around you, warm and present. That’s when you realized this wasn’t something Klaus was doing out of obligation or as penance, to earn karma or whatever excuse your mind could cook up. He simply wanted to comfort you and make you feel safe. You leaned into his embrace and laid your head against his chest, listening to the steady rhythm of his heartbeat. Everything was going to be okay.

Want more?

@helena-way07 @moorehollandplz @bubblyani @writingthosedaydreams @chipster-21 @zuzellap @zombiedixon89 @renegadesheehan @klaushollandyoung @klaushargreeves420 @dandycandy75 @bi-satanist @dopeybubbles @shrimp-rolls @ba-responds @chokemerobert @yeetskeetbuddy @cottagecompanion @ringpopdust @miss-jenna-k @lillietheoneandonly @fandomaddicted123 @superheroesownme @addietagglikesbands @gabby913 @queenboosha @coffee-and-tea-keep-me-up @zoemassingale @sadsadiesworld @howdycharlie @intoomuchfandoms @siriuslynore

[theexleynatureblog]

Veganism for Conservation

Wikipedia defines veganism as “ the practice of abstaining from the use of animal products, particularly in diet, and an associated philosophy that rejects the commodity status of animals. An individual who follows the diet or philosophy is known as a vegan.”

This is different than vegetarianism, which is a non-meat diet. Vegetarians still use animal products like eggs and dairy, while veganism does not. Some people that practice veganism extend the philosophy to their clothing, not wearing leather, and sometimes even wool. 

A lot of us have probably interacted with vegans on the internet in posts such as this:

Personally, my interactions with people who practice veganism have been limited to glimpsing internet brawls like this. Because of this, vegans get a bad name. I’m sure Christians can relate: that one wild-eyed priest going on about how homophobia is a sin. He may speak for all Christians, but he cannot represent them.

My point of this is, going into this post, please approach veganism or vegetarianism with an open mind. This post is not hating on vegans, and it is not trying to convert anyone to veganism. By pointing out the strengths and weaknesses of vegan and non-vegan philosophies, I hope to increase understanding.

Where Veganism Succeeds

When it comes to images like this, vegans and vegetarians are sometimes the first to call out animal cruelty. This is not without substance. This PDF article from the University of Kentucky covers some of the issues very well. The main issue is Confined Animal Feeding Operations (CAFO) or “factory farms”.  The ultimate goals of the factories are ‘cheap food’. Animals are kept in confined spaces, and given antibiotics and growth hormones to counteract the spread of diseases and parasites (in some cases it doesn’t work). Ironically, some of these drugs are outlaws in the UK, due to the adverse human health effects. Factory farms are a monopolized industry free of heavy regulations of other large-scale operations. Though the FDA and USDA oversee inspections and health regulations, it only helps so much. The Animal Welfare Act of 1966 does not extend to farm animals.

A common response is “Shut down farms!” But it’s not as simple as that.  The next article covers the Pro’s and con’s of farming. Farms are run different in different places of the world, and always full of contradictions. Livestock can improve the health of prairie grasslands, but also overgraze them. Animal manure can improve soil health and pollute rivers. While places like America need less meat, poor families in Cambodia may need more protein in their diet. I whole-heartedly support shutting down CAFO’s, but farming in general. Small-scale family farms are a great example of farming with ecosystem and animal health in mind.

One problem with holding animals indoors - even if you feed them well, make them comfortable, keep them from getting sick - is lack of mental stimulation. No species on Earth processes the world the same way. Cows don’t think they same way humans do, but they are living animals designed to do certain things.  A video I watched last year for my animal behavior class (If I could find the video, I’d add it) followed a group of hens brought from a factory farm to a new free-range home. A series of experiment were set up to observe their behavior. When presented with building materials, the hens proceeded to build a nest - even though a nest was already made for them by the caregivers. Animals have inherent behaviors that they will carry out if giving the opportunity. This may not have any impact on the health/quality of the meat or products, but it can give the animals mental exercise and therefor reduce stress.

Recent years have brought in increased in what is dubbed the “locavores.” Locavores is basically a person who eats locally, or within a 100mile radius. They may buy more produce from farmers markets, or get their meat from hunting and fishing locally. (Minnesota has a bag limit of 5 whitetail deer. A successful hunter could stock up food for their family for an entire year without ever buying meat from a grocery store!). Food handling, processing, and transportation takes up a lot of our yearly energy costs, not to mention food shipped from another country is going to be more expensive, and sometimes, less fresh.

The Locavores Movement wasn’t exactly pushed by vegans, but I’m going to include it here because it’s a win for everyone. After WWII, agriculture was becoming more commercialized. Big, industrial farms with lots of land and machinery was out-competing small family farms. Later on, the 60′s and 70′s sparked a ‘back to the land’ movement (a big time for environmental policies). It encouraged relationships between communities and local farmers. Though many small family farms are still financially struggling, the Locavores movement is increasing, as people are becoming more aware of where their food is coming from and their dietary health.

Where Veganism Fall’s Short

Animal anthropomorphization - defined as ‘ the attribution of human traits, emotions, or intentions to non-human entities’. Giving animals human-like appearances such as walking on two legs, fingers, eyebrows, and having them think and act like humans. This is present in any Disney cartoon regarding animals. Bambi is the most famous, and even created what is known as “Bambi Syndrome”, a belief based on the movie that paints nature as a garden of Eden with no natural predators - which is grossly inaccurate.

Anthropomorphization is not inherently bad, I enjoy watching Disney cartoons and sometimes its fun to imagine animals acting like people. However, there are people who seem to believe than animals really do process the world exactly like people do, and their interactions with the environment and other animals are similar to human - situations. Ex: a bunny rabbit and a deer chase each other around - they must be best friends! People forget that for wild animals, even suburban wild, is a constant struggle for survival. Humans partook in this once to, but now we have grocery stores and houses. We take for granted our ability to get food every day, and go home to a warm night’s rest. Animals don’t have that. Wild animals are focused 24/7 on survival - where to get food, are there any dangers around, ect. Once an animal has gained enough resources to survive day to day, then they can focus on reproduction. After that, in some cases, the focus is on rearing young. And then the cycle is repeated.

 The biggest argument comes down to the idea of death. Vegans argue that the act of killing animals is immortal because animals fear death just as humans do. This is true: the fear of death is present in all species. It is an important driver for evolution. Organisms are constantly coming up with new ways to avoid death caused by changes in the environment.

But death is still a really important thing.

Death is something that has to happen, because that is how nutrient cycling works. One organism collects material from the environment until it stops, and those nutrients are redistributed to other organisms. The longer an organism lives, the longer it holds onto those nutrients instead of redistributing them. 

The argument that ‘all animals want to live’ is obvious and does not address the fact that death is a natural and important part of our world - just as important as life. Why do humans make such a big fuss about it? Because we have the time and the resources to do so.

Giraffes don’t have time to sit around and contemplate life and death - they’re busy living. They’re busy foraging and migrating and kicking lions in the head. We have to remember the human experience of the world is unique to us - we are the only species that exploited resources so efficiently, we had the time and energy to build Society. Every word and concept in our mind is a imaginary construct, or translated from what we’ve seen in nature. This includes death - a natural process we witness and created an abstract essence around that both increases and diminishes our fears of the inevitable. (Sorry to readers experiencing existential crisis’ - hang in there, take your time. This really is mind-bending stuff when you think about it). Death didn’t have a name until humans created one. We created stories of Grim Reapers and Angels and Demons. We see shadows out of the corner of our eyes and call them ghosts.

But, do we have a right to cause the death of other organisms? Well, in nature, what is a ‘right’? Does the gazelle or the leopard have a greater right to live? My arguments may see really heartless and objective, but I am a biology student, so I have to look at this from an ecological perspective. Why do we look at the animal world through a tight lens of human understanding when we now have to tools to see more? How can we assign human concepts to a world that exists beyond our understanding?

One of emotions we have created do to the development of society is ‘guilt’. Its possible this emotion exists in other animals too, such as a mother who couldn’t protect their young. Guilt has evolutionary advantages of strengthening social bonds, and inciting a change of behavior. But humans are unique in that we extend this guilt beyond our immediate families to multiple other species. Pet owners may experience this when they accidentally step on their pet’s paw. 

This philosophy of including other species in our perception of the world is amazing, and very important. Aldo Leopold, a professor of ecology at the University of Wisconsin, wrote in A Sand County Almanac that extending human ethics to the land and its animals was essential for conservation. We need more people involved in biology and environmentalism, but we need them to have a proper understanding of life and death processes of other animals.

Wild animals deal with death much more often than humans do, and not in the same way. An article from Stat News claims half of Americans now die at home in hospice care. I can’t hypothesize numbers, but its same to say that a lot of people, especially in rich countries, get a ‘gentle’ death - in bed, surrounded by family members, eased with pain medications. Animals don’t get that. The quickest, non - human way for animals to die is by being kill by something else. Lions tend to bite the jugular of prey to asphyxiate it. The animal is dead by the time the lions start eating it, but it did not die quickly and peacefully. It’s last moments were being chased by lions, having lions dig their claws and teeth into its body to knock it down. It will take at least a full minute or two to suffocate the animal before it dies. Imagine the last thing you see is a lion biting into your neck - that’s terrifying!

Some deaths are quicker - think of birds picking up ants or insects, quickly crushing them in their beats or swallowing them whole. The thing is, as mammals, we can’t really relate to insects on an emotional level, so that example doesn’t get us far...

Non-predatory causes of death are disease, parasites, starvation, injuries, and old age. Older animals are at risk for all of these combined. A wolf with a broken leg may be fed by the pack for a while, but eventually have to be left behind and starve to death. There are no gentle deaths in the animal kingdom.

Ironically, the fastest and least painful death animal can experience from humans are euthanasia, and a gunshot (as long as the shot is lethal). Euthanasia is common for pets and livestock by first putting them to sleep, and then injecting them with a lethal drug they cannot feel. Its the closest thing to a human dying in a hospital bed. 

Gunshots have the potential to be the least painful and the most painful - depending on the skill of the hunter. A ethical shot to the heart or brain means that the animal will be dead before it even feels the bullet enter its body. That sounds a lot nicer than being chased or ripped apart by wolves, or stumbling around, infected by CWD.

Shortcomings of Non-Vegan Philosophies

Hunters and anglers don’t have all fail-proof ideas either. When it comes to conservation, America tends to prioritize animals useful for human consumption - as in, harvesting or observing. “Game” animals, like deer, elk, grouse, and waterfowl, have most of the public’s attention and protection. “Non” game animals like reptiles, amphibians, and invertebrates, are overlooked and at greatest risk for extinction due to lack of funding. 

Americans in general, eat too much meat. A quick Google search pulled up multiple articles that said the same thing. These articles are not pushing vegan/vegetarian philosophies, they are approaching the problem from a healthy diet standard. This article from Popular Science covers the American heritage around meat and animals that dates back to colonial times. In medieval Europe, many of the large game animals like stag and bison were gone due to overhunting, and the remaining wild lands were reversed for nobility sport hunting. Important predators like wolves and bear were also removed due to fears and superstition, so, the ecosystems of Europe were...a mess. When settlers came to America, they discovered a land of bounty, and developed a ‘take whatever you want’ philosophy that led to the extinction of the passenger pigeon, and near extinction of the bison and turkey. We eventually realized our mistake and worked up some protection, but still have a ways to go. 

Is Veganism helping conservation?

Yes and no. It has it strong and weak points. The strongest, like I said, being pointing out the flaws of factory farms. However, the belief that replacing animal products with plant/synthetic materials will help the planet is troublesome.

The picture is one that comes up when Googling ‘soil degradation’. The land is so dry, it is cracked. The vegetation looks dead and dying, and the soil color itself is a light sandy brown - lacking the deeper shades that indicate the presence of organic material, essential for soil organisms and plant growth. Soil degradation is a problem all around the world, appearing in various forms. It’s leading cause is poor management of agricultural fields. A vegan lifestyle means greater dependence on these farms, but there is never any mention of this problem.

Vegan or not, as an American, I believe it is in our best interest to eat less meat - not totally get rid of it, but have more balanced diets. Soil degradation is a problem for everyone. Luckily, soil scientists are at work discovering new ways to put nutrients back into the soil and lock them in, increasing the health of the soil ecosystem. The plants and animals that depend on it (including us) will be healthier, and some of these techniques can even take greenhouse gasses out of the atmosphere. The Soil Conference at Gustavo's Adolphus College brought in some of these speakers. Video are available on YouTube, and posted to my blog.

A trademark of veganism is refusing authentic leather. It is replaced by synthetic and plant based materials called ‘pleather’, ‘faux leather’ and ‘vegan leather’. 

Some sites say these terms are interchangeable, but some say they’re each a little different. Leafy Souls defines ‘pleather’ as leather made from plastic. This is a big problem, because plastic materials, when washed, release micro plastics into waterways. The major problem is these plastics aren’t as easily identifiable are water bottles washed ashore on the beach. Not a lot is yet known about these pollutants, but we have found them everywhere - including inside our bodies.

Luckily, not all vegan leather products are made of plastics. Alternatives have been made from plants, leaves, cork, and even stone!

The big argument against leather and fur products is - it is cruel to kill animals just for there skins. And I actually agree with this. I was never one to buy into the fashion industry, and personally, I think it’s a little outdated, and pointless. 

The process of factory made leather from cowhide is a bit disturbing. The manufacturing of leather is contributing so some major environmental issues like the release of greenhouse gasses and water pollution. Some questionable chemicals are also used to treat the leather. 

The good news is livestock are not being killed solely for their skin. The cattle sent to slaughter are the same cattle that we get most commercial leather from. Of course, this doesn’t really comfort anyone heartbroken over the commercialized treatment of animals.

Leather manufacturing is also being linked to child labor and poor warehouse conditions. It’s a common American business practice to send labor production oversees to places labor is cheaper - cheaper because workers are paid less for longer hours in poor conditions. The leather industry is not alone in doing this. How we change this? Boy-coting certain products is one way, but some of these companies have monopolies on products. A book by a Michigan State University professor discusses the growing monopolization of food products.

How do we solve problems like this? I don’t know, but something this complex needs a just - as complex solution that may take years to undo. 

Fur

Minnesota got its early start as a center for fur-trading between Canadian pioneers and native tribes. Unfortunely, the luxury that was fur turned the market extremely competitive. Since nature is not built for capitalism and competitive markets and commercialism, the fur bearer populations of the state took a dive. (Luckily, all have now recovered).

Fur markets were as bad as market hunting in terms of conservation, but unlike the latter, fur trapping is as persistent as ever today. Thanks to protections and regulations, trapping is able to persist at nearly the same capacity as it was in the 1800′s without threatening a population. (Also, there are significantly less people partaking in trapping).

Personally, I do not care for killing animals solely for the fur or leather. I would prefer to trap animals that also provide food - like rabbits. My believes are that if you kill an animal, you use as much as you can from it - meat, skin, and maybe even some of the bones. Its a way to pay respect by making sure the animal didn’t die for no reason.

Like leather, fur has synthetic replacements. However, I could not find as much environmental information. The main material for faux fur is acrylics, which are basically plastics that do not degrade when released into the environment. It is another source of micro plastics. 

Manufactured fur, like real leather, is treated with chemicals like formaldehyde to keep from degrading. Naturally, after discovering this, I Googled health affects of wearing real fur. Problem 1: I couldn’t find a trustworthy website. The websites that came up were strongly anti-fur. I wanted to find information from a neutral website, like a college university article. Problem 2: I could not find anything. I expected to find articles about odd rashes or allergic reactions, but there was non. Instead, I re-discovered an article I used in a previous post about vaccines. Vaccines actually use doses of formaldehyde in them. It’s a scary substance, because we automatically think about it in the process of embalming bodies, but the truth is, it has many practical uses that are safe to human health. Any substance can be harmful or helpful, it all depends on the dosage and chemical makeup. I was reminded that formaldehyde isn’t as scary as everyone makes it out to be. It is actually naturally produced in our bodies, and it probably doesn’t have any adverse effects to being added on our clothes.

Another problem arises when questioning the affects of formaldehyde in the environment. When we wash our clothes, dirt and chemicals end up in our water systems, including micro plastics and formaldehyde. The usual dosages of the chemical is to small to cause us individuals adverse health affects, but the story can change when dumped in large qualities. Our tendency to dump large amounts of waste into confined areas is not natural - animals tend to discharge (biodegradable) waste evenly across a habitat, or at least in quantities than can be broken down. The way humans discard waste in large quantities means that basically anything - including caffeine from our coffee consumption - can have adverse environmental effects. So, the problem of releasing formaldehyde is not on the chemical itself, but more on our system of waste treatment and pollution in general.

Conclusion

I am overwhelmingly tired of the vegan vs non-vegan argument. The more I see people pointing their fingers at each other, the less I want to partake in either one of their ideologies. Great minds think alike but fools seldom differ.

I believe it all comes down to balance. No matter how we exploit resources, there is going to be a downside. Vegan or non-vegan, there is an up and down to every choice. We have to work together and find a middle ground.

If we completely stopped using animals today, there would be changes. CO2 emissions would drop a little, but they may change sources. The same amount of people would need the same amount of food, and 1/3 of that food would come from a different source. There may be more habitat loss from increases agriculture farms, and come communities may became protein-deficient.

If the opposite were to happen, and we increases animal products, there would also be adverse effects. To feed those animals would also require more agricultural land. Factory emissions could rise, along with health effects of too much red meat, like increased cholesterol. 

The fact of the matter is, we all kill animals, directly and indirectly, simply by taking up space. The things that make you you - the proteins and carbons and lipids and nutrients - came from another organism. The fact that you have them now means something else is denied them. The cars we drive, the fields we plow, the pollutants we throw out, those are all killing animals as I type this. It sucks. I absolutely hate it. It has happened for the past millions of years, but right now, we are doing it at a faster rate than anything before us.

I cannot fully support veganism in regards to animal ethics, due to the tendency of anthropomorphization and biological misinformation. But I due support the legitimate environmental concerns, and I think a lot more people need to understand them as well.

[hellishvu]

Imagine BTS: taking care of you when you’re sick but you’re stubborn

— keke this was fun to make! honestly i can relate to this because i am so skfkskfk stubborn when i’m sick it’s like satan took over me, but thank you for requesting and i hope you enjoy this more silly imagine !

Kim Namjoon: ˚✧₊⁎

You’ve been sick for a good 3 days and you didn’t want to admit it because you couldn’t afford to get Namjoon sick. So you slept on the couch and pretended that you only slept on it because you “passed out” watching youtube.

Once he came downstairs early in the morning he saw you sleeping, he gave you a kiss on the forehead before going to the kitchen when he suddenly heard coughing like you were dying coughing. Namjoon peeked out to see you coughing in your sleep even being enough to make you wake up.

“Hey are you okay? Are you sick?.” Namjoon said in a concern tone making another cup of tea to help your throat. You groaned covering yourself in the blanket to shield the painful bright sunlight from your eyes that were used to the dark.

“I take that as a yes.” Namjoon claimed before setting the tea down on the end table laying on the couch with you in his arms. You whine trying to push him away almost making him fall off the couch.

“Namjoon you’re just gonna get yourself sick.” Your voice was hoarsely the sore throat finally attacking your voice.

“Huh? I cant hear you. All I know is to cuddle my handsome boyfriend.” Namjoon’s voice was soft spoken not wanting to hurt your head more. You accepted the cuddles but not without a little stubbornness of telling him to think about the consequences.

Kim Seokjin: ˚✧₊⁎

Seokjin woke up seeing you sniffing near a pile of used napkins that he probably shouldn’t touch just imagining the amount of germs. Seokjin rolled over towards you on the bed wrapping his hands around your waist rubbing his face on your back, you groaned clearing your throat as you thought about the last time you could breath without mucus disrupting it.

“Why don’t I make you a good ol soup?” Seokjin asks making you lay back to bed nodding no, wrapping yourself in blankets because it felt like you were in Antarctica.

“Jinnie can you pass me one of your really furry coats?” You croaked from the depths of sick hell. The reaction on Seokjin’s face when you called him “Jinnie” that meant business! You were in crisis and he came to help.

Seokjin gave you the coat before leaving to the kitchen to make you some microwaveable soup so it doesn’t take too long to prepare. Seokjin walked back in the room hearing sneezing and some more sniffing.

“Here have some soup.” Seokjin places the soup on the end table seeing your reaction of smelling it which lead to disgust since food didn’t seem appealing at the moment.

“You don’t want the soup?” Seokjin titled his head stirring the soup causing you to turn away from Seokjin.

“My boyfriend is so mean~ didn’t want my soup~ now i’m in the coop~ maybe he’s an asshole~ but that’s too bad because i love him~” Seokjin sang making you giggle underneath the sheets, seeing Seokjin proud that he can lower your pain even to a minimum.

Min Yoongi: ˚✧₊⁎

 When Yoongi woke up in the middle of the night still seeing you on your phone sometimes grunting of the horrible headache you had. The phone was probably not helping your head at all but you tried to keep your grunts quiet but Yoongi was wide awake once he woke up from his slumber.

“I feel horrible.” You groaned turning off your phone wrapping yourself more in blankets. Yoongi got up from laying down using the pillow for support seeing your face puffy and eyes dry from staring at the phone for so long.

“Why dont you drink some night quill?” Yoongi asked caressing your arm trying to comfort you even if it was only mentally.

“It tastes gross. My body can recover by itself.” You whines blowing yourself a tissue before Yoongi looked at you like “are you serious?”

“Are you 5? Take some baby.” Yoongi walked to the kitchen despite your cries of telling him you’re fine. Yoongi came back with night quill and some cap filled with the disgusting purple acid.

“Take the medication.”

“No.”

“Take it.”

“No it tastes gross.”

“I’ll give you cuddles.” Yoongi smirked as you shamefully grabbed the cap drinking it as quick as possible. It wasn’t long before disgust was all over your face.

Jung Hoseok: ˚✧₊⁎

Throughout the entire century that you have been sick. You have complained about it being cold then warm then back to cold. Hoseok was probably running in circle trying to please you. He didn’t mind it but of course he wanted to rip his hair out sometimes.

You two were cuddling even though you two probably shouldn’t. You coughing away from him so the chances of getting him sick went from 100% to 99%. Hoseok saw you fidget with the blankets taking it off of you and then gripping at it to warm yourself up.

“Are you cold?” Hoseok asks while you nod. Hoseok turned up the AC to go warmer seeing your pleasant face but that only lasted so long before you took the blankets making Hoseok to pause the movie.

“It’s too hot.”

“Okay I’ll turn it back to normal.” Hoseok announces hearing the clicks of the AC going down. You smiled cuddling next to him once again.

“It’s too cold now.” You were hesitant to say because you didn’t want to be a bother to Hoseok due to him dealing with you so much. Hoseok smiles at you when he looks at you.

“Why don’t you wear my hoodie and then I can give you a lighter blanket.” Hoseok got up taking off his hoodie showing a peek of his stomach, you felt your health go back to perfectly normal! Hoseok gave you it while he looks in the closet for a lighter blanket without a shirt on.

“Stop staring.” Hoseok announces making you to stutter before going back to watching the movie.

Park Jimin: ˚✧₊⁎

Jimin has been your errand boy since you got sick, blankets? He got it. Medication? He’s on it! You enjoyed the little videos and photos he sent to you while on the adventures of going to the store. Sometimes in the middle of the night or in the early morning. He didn’t complain about it because he knew you would do the same for him, you have!

“J-Jimin.” You rolled towards him having a vomit trash can right next to your bedside. The things Jimin does for you is insane but that’s love. From the pretty to the nastiest parts of it.

“What is it?” Jimin asked urgently caressing your back while you wiped your tears. Jimin got up grabbing his wallet already to get more anti-vomíters that what he likes to call them.

Jimin go in the car in just a few minutes after you requested that you got him something, it was the normal item that helped you feel better when you got sick. Jimin got in the store with a large hoodie that was yours, thankfully it didn’t smell like vomit. Jimin waved at the cashier before looking through the isles of stuff.

Jimin bought it walking out with only the receipt and the item because #savetheearth. Jimin heard a ding from his phone seeing that you wanted something else. Jimin looked back in the gas station feeling embarrassed before entering it once again.

“Welcome back.” 

The shy wave he gave the cashier walking pass him once again. You finally sent him a text of a thank you with a heart , which lead all of Jimin’s embarrassment to go away even if he carried two recipients.

Kim Taehyung: ˚✧₊⁎

“You shouldn’t go to the rehearsal, seeing how sick you are.” Taehyung embraces you while you are laying in bed whining that you couldn’t go with him. You had another plan up your sleeve, while you see Taehyung waving at you taking off to his rehearsal.

Maybe it was a little chaotic to go anyway, but you never were the obedient type when you were sick. You waved at the staff them knowing who you are and what you meant to the boys. You sat in the large stadium hoping your dark hoodie could hide your identity.

Taehyung and bts started singing you silently cheering on the band. You chuckled at some parts of the rehearsal making Taehyung look around seeing if anyone was in the crowd. You lowered yourself in the chair till he made complete eye contact with you.

“Whoops.” You said when Taehyung got off-stage looking a bit mad kinda scary to see him like that.

“You’re sick you clown, why are you here?” Taehyung hold your hand leading you to the back, seeing the stadium was outside.

“I want to support my boyfriend.”

“Here could I get a blanket and some water?” Taehyung requested for the staff to find while he sits next to you giving his coat to you. Staff came with the requested stuff Taehyung wrapping the blanket around you like a burrito.

“Here now you can watch.” Taehyung smiles when he saw your eyes glow causing him to snicker.

Jeon Jungkook: ˚✧₊⁎

Jungkook was on tour and it’s like your heart knew he left because your entire body just decided to shut down which lead to the worst fever in your entire life (very much exaggerated). You saw a ringing on your phone seeing it was around 11pm at night seeing it was Jungkook facetiming you. You answered with the best smile you could seeing Jungkook already pouring himself a glass of wine.

“Hey baby.” You said your voice low trying to keep your sickness a secret.

“You’re sick aren’t you?” Jungkook says taking a sip seeing your reaction of how he knew so fast.

“Don’t you think I know my boyfriend like the back of my hand!” Jungkook giggles already feeling the intoxicating wine release in his veins but you knew he isn’t the one to get dead drunk.

“Why aren’t you sleeping?” Jungkook asked like he wasn’t the one that called you. You turned on a light so Jungkook could see you better. You winced at the bright light for a moment.

“Because I want to talk to you.” You grinned seeing Jungkook trying to think of something to say back.

“Well you’ve got a point but I’m going to need wine to deal with you.” Jungkook did little asmr noises on the wine bottle just to see you laugh.

“Gasp! And you’re not going to share?” You drank more water cheering him through the camera. You took some more medication off screen going back to see Jungkook looking directly in the camera, his doll eyes.

“If I gave you wine, your cells would literally explode brat.”

[lexthemondo]

Dirty Dancing {1}

Pairing: Min Yoongi x Park Jimin; Radio-host!Yoongi; Fem!Yoongi; Translator!Jimin; Alternate-universe!AU; Non-Idol!AU.

Warnings: Language, mentions of smut, violence, transgender character, mentions of suicide, eating disorder, talks of mental health, mentions of self-harm, talks of racial discrimination; POLITICS

Other Notes: V-Hope, NamJin, Sana of Twice is in this story, SanKook, Lisa of Blackpink is in this as well, Liskook, Trans!Hoseok

Summary: Local radio talk show host, Min Yoongi, has been running from his past for years, but when his closest friend Jung Hoseok introduces him to a handsome translator from Korea, Yoongi thinks he might have found something- or someone- to run to.

Song of the chapter: You’re So Cool, Jonathan Bree

Word count: 3,507

“Now I’ve had the time of my life…”

Yoongi sang along happily, letting his eyes close slowly as the lyrics flew out of his mouth. His body slowly started grooving along to the music, and without a second thought, he got off the couch and started dancing along with Johnny and Baby. Yoongi twirled around the living room without a partner, and barely missed trampling his precious Holly by mere inches.  

“You’re the one thing, I can’t get enough of…”

Yoongi continued to sing as his not-so-perfect dance moves made him feel invincible. He was on cloud nine, and it wasn’t until something cold and wet splashed on his feet that Yoongi snapped out of his daze. He groaned loudly, Holly’s water bowl was upside down and the freshwater was now soaking his carpet. Yoongi ran a hand through his hair and looked at the tv to see that his favorite part of the movie was coming up. Baby ran as fast as she could towards Johnny, and his strong arms lifted her up into the sky. Yoongi sighed and looked at the floor. Holly was licking his foot.  

“Holly,” He said sadly, “You’re lucky you’re a dog. You don’t have to find someone who can beat 1980s, Patrick Swayze.”

He got a small whine in response. “I know girl,” Yoongi bent down and picked up the toy poodle, “They don’t make them like they used to.”

Yoongi walked back to the couch, completely ignoring the mess, and plopped down. Holly curled up in his arms while he finished watching the last few minutes. Dirty Dancing was easily Yoongi’s favorite movie, he could recite it word-for-word at this point, and even being a hopeless dancer, he managed to engrave the choreography in his mind. It was at the part where Johnny is mouthing the words of the song to Baby when his phone chimed making Holly let out a squeaky bark.

“Hush, it’s not the doorbell,” Yoongi scolded, mentally reminding himself to change his notification tone.

Hobi [11:43 PM] Bonjour hyung!

Yoongi smiled fondly at the screen. Hoseok had been his closest friend since middle school. The pair were never apart, and even when Hoseok had come out to Yoongi and told him of their gender crisis, Yoongi had never turned his back to Hoseok. They had formed a bond, and when Hoseok had fallen in love with a foreign man during college, Yoongi did not feel anger when the two of them did not see one another as often. If Hoseok was happy then so was Yoongi.

Me [11:44 PM] Salut. What’s up? I thought you were with Tae.

Hobi [11:46 PM] Oh, I still am! He’s such a dreamboat, hyung! Propre sur lui, charment, tres beaux.

Me [11: 49 PM] Are you just going to talk about Tae because I’d like to know how your doctor’s appointment went. I’m sorry for not being able to come. I had to finish my script for tomorrow night’s show.

Hobi [11:55 PM]

No worries! Well, the surgery is going to cost a shit ton of money which I was expecting. That’s not really a problem. I have the money for it. The weird thing is… the doctor was kind of rude once I told him that I didn’t want breast implants

Yoongi felt his ear heating up. Most doctors reacted the same way. Hoseok’s decision to keep their flat chest was a popular topic at their support groups and therapist office. To keep it frank, it pissed Yoongi off. He knew how much it hurt his friend when someone downplayed their gender identity solely because they did not want fake breasts. Hoseok had explained to Yoongi that they had thought about it and realized that it was a decision that they were very firm on. Hoseok did not want implants, not because they were confused or having second thoughts, but because they were a professional gymnast. Hoseok was constantly surrounded by muscular women who had a chest like their own. Of course, this did not stop the weird glances at them once they let this little fact about themselves be known.

Me [11: 58 PM] Did you tell him your view on that whole situation? Maybe he was trying to see if you were serious because of how expensive a vaginoplasty is?

Hobi [11:59 PM] No…kind of seemed like he didn’t take me seriously after that.

Me [12:01 AM] Are you for real? What the hell happened?

Hobi [12:03 AM]

Yeah. He went from being supportive to trying to talk me out of the procedure. I just told him I would go somewhere else.

Hobi [12:06 AM] It wasn’t a great feeling at all

Hobi [12:15 AM] Kind of like I wasn’t woman enough to be getting a sex change. He even commented on the fact that I’m still going by my “male” name. I had to share personal shit with the guy. Then he misgendered me twice and even said it was odd that I wanted a sex change even though I don’t go by female pronouns. Like dude what the fuck?

Yoongi stared at his phone and felt the heat from his ears spread across his entire body.

Hobi [12:17 AM] Anyway, Taehyung’s friend from Korea is coming to France for a few weeks and he wanted to know if you were down for dinner with us. From what I’ve seen of him, he’s super cute 😉

Me [12:19 AM] Are you seriously trying to set me up with some dude right after telling me about some fucking asshole treating you like garbage when he’s supposed to be helping you? Really Hobi? Are you okay?

Hobi [12:21 AM] Yeah, I’m great. I’m used to this kind of shit by now. I don’t completely blame the guy for being hesitant. It is a life-altering surgery. I won’t be able to go back afterward. I didn’t appreciate the comments about my sexuality or the misgendering, but my entire transition has been a wild ride for everyone involved. Even you. I promise you that I’m okay. I would’ve called you crying by now if not and we both know it lol. Are you coming or not?

Yoongi felt himself cooling down. His heart filled with adoration for the woman Hoseok had become. It had been a very confusing and hard journey to get where they are now, but Yoongi was so proud of his friend. Hoseok had gone from ‘Henri,’ the only other French-Korean kid in Dijon, to ‘Henri’ the “flaming gay” in middle school, and finally Hoseok, the professional gymnast in their woman’s league during their freshman year at university. Yoongi would always cherish those memories. Though they had been the hardest times of his life, and even harder for Hoseok, he would not change a single thing. Those were the days that gave him the most important person in his life.

Me [12:26 AM] Yeah, I’ll be there. Is it just me, you, Tae, and his allegedly cute friend?

Hobi [12:27 AM] Those are the definite ones, yes. Kook said him and Sana might drop by before they go back to Japan

Me [12:29 AM] Great.

Hobi [12:31 AM] I’m not happy about it either. I don’t like her any more than you do, but Jungkook is Taehyung’s best friend and I’ll put up with her so they can see one another.

Me: [12:32 AM] I miss Lisa. Kook seemed happier, and he is miserable in Japan. Jungkook misses France. Jungkook misses Lisa. I wouldn’t be surprised if he snuck out to see her.

Hobi [12:34 AM] Everyone misses Lisa, hyung. If Kook’s willing to deal with Sana, then let’s let him be happy. We can’t bring up his ex every chance we get just because we don’t like Sana. But that doesn’t mean I’m not team Lisa all the way.

Hobi [12:37 AM] Oh, he hasn’t...yet. We did make reservations at the most wonderful Korean restaurant in town though. Who knows, maybe a certain Kim Namjoon’s little cousin will be waiting tables... and our table just might be in her section as told to me by the uncle’s husband himself. Apparently, Lisa got a phone call last night and ran out during closing. I think she was running after her white rabbit.

Me [12:38 AM] Team Lisa > Team Sana

Me [12:47 AM] I do love Jin’s lamb skewers. I don’t know Hobi. That seems like we’re stepping over certain boundaries. Jungkook is a grown man. He’s not our little bunny boy anymore. You know that. Whatever is going on between him and Lisa is between them. Sana is his girlfriend. I don’t like her, I don’t think I ever will, and you just said you were going to play nice. All this is going to do is stress out Kook, piss off Sana, and really hurt Lisa. So, please don’t make her wait our table and give Sana another reason to keep Jungkook as far away from Dijon as possible.

Hobi [12:40 AM] I hate it when you’re reasonable. Look, I understand that and all, but Sana is hardly a girlfriend. Kook doesn’t even smile when she’s around. I don’t want them together. I want him to dump her and get his head back on and get with the most perfect girl. I’m going to make this happen Yoongi, one way or another I always get my way. Anyway, I’m tired. What are you talking about tomorrow? Make sure to message me when you’re about to start. You’re my only source of entertainment when Tae’s at work. Get some sleep, you need it. No more all-nighters. Thanks for being wonderful and supportive. Don’t worry about me so much! I love you~~~~~~ niiiiiight!

Me [12:41 AM] I know you’re trying to help him, but please just let Jungkook figure these things out on his own. I’ll talk to him if that’ll make you feel better... just don’t put Lisa through that. You know how she feels about him and seeing him there with a supermodel on his arm is going to destroy her. Do you really think Jungkook deserves Lisa after all he did? Do I miss them? Yes, but I understand that everything changes. Let her move on and let Jungkook become an adult on his own. We’re talking political parties and shit. Namjoon’s idea. It’s about as exciting as watching paint dry. You’re going to pass out within the first two minutes. Sadly, I don’t have a funny or entertaining story to tell, and Joon really wants any excuse to rag on the communist party. I don’t blame the guy, but I hate talking about the same shit repeatedly. I’ll text you. I’m out of my pills and melatonin doesn’t work. Not a problem. I’ll always worry about you. You too. Night.

Yoongi tossed his phone on the coffee table in front of him. Not even flinching when the impact made a loud clang. Holly jumped, suddenly startled, and hid her face in the crook of Yoongi’s neck. He laughed, although he didn’t make a sound, and began to soothe his puppy.

“It’s alright Holly,” He said, lightly stroking her curly hair, “It’s nothing. I’ll protect you from the vicious sound demons. I promise.”

Then, without a second of hesitation, Holly turned her head and gave Yoongi a big lick on the mouth.

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“Good show tonight,” Yoongi said, flipping his hair behind his shoulders in search for a rubber band. “I can’t say the same for my hair, though. I have to go to dinner with Hoseok and Tae tonight, they’re trying to hook me up with some rando.”

“Tragic,” Najoonn replied, raising an eyebrow and picking up his duffel bag from off the floor.

“Cool it with the whole ‘being an asshole’ thing you got going on,” Yoongi looked at Namjoon and then the coffee cup in his hand, and then back again, “What’s the matter? You’re not usually this pissy.”

“Fucking Jin. He keeps on saying that Jungkook and Lisa are getting back together. It’s pissing me off. The guy is in Japan with some model now. Lisa was just starting to get back to normal and now I hear this prick is coming for a visit. I don’t get it. If he doesn’t want to be with Lisa, then why won’t he leave her alone?”

Yoongi pursed his lips and looked at the ground. He was not sure how to respond. He loved Namjoon dearly, and Lisa as well, but picking sides was not his style. He knew that Jungkook had hurt Lisa, which in turn, turned half of their old group against him, but Yoongi was aware of Lisa’s faults as well. He was a bad listener, but she was a control freak. When Lisa would make a mistake, Jungkook would be uncontrollably angry, but when the roles were reversed, she was spiteful. They were not picture-perfect, but for every bad thing that had ever happened at least a hundred, good things did. They were happy until the very end. Until Jungkook abruptly ended things and moved to Japan. Until he was on the cover of magazines. Until he was with Sana.

“Joon, look,” Yoongi began, finally finding his hair tie and wrapping his hair up haphazardly. “Lisa and Kook are grown, and for your information, it wasn’t just your husband making all this planning. Who do you think put the bug in his ear?”

Namjoon rolled his eyes and wiped his hand down his face, “Hoseok.”

“Bingo. Don’t worry, we’ve been talking about this for the past three days. I convinced them to let me handle the situation and just talk to Jungkook. I just want to see where his mind’s at. They’re just trying to help.”

“Help?” Namjoon stood up hastily, fumbling a bit, his cigarettes falling out of his lap. “Do they think any of this is going to be good for my baby cousin? No, of course not. All they care about is Jungkook and how he feels. He left Lisa. He hurt her. Why are they so worried about him when he’s a rich model with a rich model girlfriend?”

“Because he’s miserable, Joon.” Yoongi replied.

Namjoon’s expression fell. Yoongi could almost hear the “you may speak now” when he looked into his friend’s eyes. Namjoon was getting defensive, and when he gets defensive there is nothing you can do but let him get it out and move on. If you do not leave it alone, then he becomes excited and angry, a real hot-head, and when it is all over, he will not speak to you for at least two weeks. Luckily for Yoongi, however, he and Namjoon work together every day. He could not escape him even if he wanted to.

“I know Lisa is your cousin, I get it. You need to remember that you used to be the one that would talk to Jungkook when he was down. You were his favorite. He looked up to you like a God. You were the big brother he never had and the father he always wanted. He is miserable. Miserable enough to call Lisa the first night he gets to Dijon to meet with him. Miserable enough to come back home knowing that his best friend hates him. Miserable enough to sit at a table with half of the people he cares about not there because of him. Jungkook is not happy, and Sana is nothing more than a distraction. You know that as much as I do.

“I agree with you, Joon. Lisa deserves so much better and I have tried time and time again to reach out to her, but she won’t answer my calls. You and Jin are the only two people who she speaks to, she avoids us like the plague and didn’t even have the decency to tell Hoseok she wanted to switch gyms until the last minute when she knew they needed her for competition. But the second Jungkook is in town she drops everything she’s going to see him. She is a grown woman. I’m mad at them both. Stop making the boy feel guilty for breaking up with someone.”

“Lisa is not ‘just someone’ Min Yoongi,” Namjoon picked up his cigarettes, slung his duffel bag over his shoulder, and walked away, roughly shoulder swiping Yoongi on his way out. “Have a nice time at dinner. Hope your new boy toy doesn’t end up like the last.”

“Go fuck yourself,” Yoongi replied, but the door was already slamming shut.

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Yoongi checked his appearance in the car mirror once again. His hair had been tied up to hide how awful it looked after wearing a beanie for the entire show, and he was still skeptical of his makeup. He never did the best job when he was angry. After touching up his eyebrows and mascara that he had put on that morning before going to work, he lightly concealed his under eyes and the small acne scars that dotted his cheekbones, powdered, and applied a generous amount of lip gloss to his lips. He was nervous that the small light in his car was deceiving him into thinking he looked better than he did, but it was too late to fix anything. He was already running late.

He stumbled out of his truck, ankles almost giving out and he could not figure out if it was a bad hop or the heels, he picked out specifically so he would not bust his ass.

“Of course, I fall,” He said to himself, “I should know that always happens when I try to look cool.”

He knew Hoseok was there the second he walked in. He did not have to see them to know they were there. That laugh was distinct and the Korean flying out of their mouth only solidified that fact. He followed the sounds to a little booth in the back of the restaurant, a small divider giving the party some privacy. Yoongi gave it to Jin, at least they would not bother the entire restaurant…hopefully.

“Hyung!” Taehyung exclaimed, his smile widening in a cute box shape, and it reminded Yoongi just how boyish he was. “You’re here!”

“I said I was coming, didn’t I?” Yoongi replied, finding a seat at the floor table.

“Well, you were late so I wasn’t sure you would show up.” Hoseok added, giving Yoongi a dirty look.

“Don’t look at me like that. I can’t control traffic or Namjoon’s bitch fits at the end of the day. I’m sorry I fucked with you OCD, though.”

“Geez,” Hoseok rolled their eyes, “What was his problem this time?”

“The whole Jungkook situation. He got pissed off that I was coming to dinner with you guys even though Kook would be here. Things escalated from there. He brought him up, too.”

“He did what?” Hoseok’s eyes widened, and slammed their drink on the table, “Are you serious? That bastard.”

“Eh, this is Joon we’re talking about. The most melodramatic person on the planet. It’s no biggie. Anyway,” Yoongi looked around, “where’s this ‘attractive’ friend of yours, Tae?”

“Oh, he went out for a smoke. He should be back in a minute.”

“You’re hooking me up with a smoker? Really? That’s gross.”

“Smoking is the dirtiest thing that boy does,” Hoseok defended, “Just give him a chance. Jimin’s your type. Small, fair, funny, sweet, and his butt is nice. He used to be a dancer before becoming a translator for advertising companies in Seoul and let me tell you… you’re going to change that tone when you see him.”

“See who?” Someone suddenly piped, making Yoongi flinch and turn his head.

He turned around and there he was. The small, fair, funny, sweet, dancing angel. His lips were full and plush, his nose small and slightly flat, but still buttoned enough to frame his face, his eyes shined a warm, chocolate brown, and his hair was a charcoal black. His skin almost glowed and not a single imperfection was insight. Yoongi suddenly felt very insecure. He was hyperaware of the coffee stains on his pants and the fact that he was wearing a five-year-old thrift store shirt with small holes in certain spots, while Jimin was dressed to the nines in the most casual way possible, black jeans, a black button-up, and some worn black dress shoes.

“Oh!” He exclaimed, and Yoongi melted at the sound of his voice, “Pardon me. I’m Jimin Park. You must be Yoongi. Hoseok has told me so much about you.”

Yoongi almost laughed out loud at the awful accent Jimin had when he spoke French, but simply smiled and shook his hand.

“I speak Korean. Don’t worry, it takes a lot more than going out for a smoke break to get me worked up.” 

He was shocked, the words falling from his lips completely backtracking from what he has just told Hoseok.Yoongi could only imagine the shit-eating grin on their face right now. I told you so. Yes, yes you did, he thought.

Jimin sighed and returned the smile, “You know, those two kept trying to tell me that you were cute, but they didn’t do the best job at explaining just how cute you actually, are.”

[partiallystcrs]

the show really said ‘ who cares abt the team’s mental health ? ’  & i said loudly that I DO & so here’s part two of surayra’s timeline during season 3

events of episode 6 

christine johnson takes over the arc.  as surayra is not a part of the team that has anything to do with the artifact ,  she is not impacted as the rest are. she spends most of the morning gathering files in order to brief her on the team.  she also suffers her first panic attack within the walls of the arc , no one knows but dog.   she & captain becker spend whatever free time they have trying to find a way to oust christine ,   sar offers to spy on her for him ; he nearly locks her in her office .   she spends the rest of the day having impromptu sessions in the hallways with the rest of the staff , trying to help them adjust to the sudden change.  when lester & the team return , she spends the rest of the evening with sarah discussing the day’s events. it isn’t for therapy , it’s a discussion between friends. 

sometime during the following week , she gets a hand on a bottle of wine similar to the one they sacrificed to the terror birds. it gets a good laugh from the team, as a whole, she’s starting to be accepted. 

 events during & following episode 7

upon discovering rex for sale online ,  connor nearly breaks in sar’s door to confess to her what’s happened , appealing to the confidentiality between doctor & patient.  it gets him a raised brow , but they bounce ideas off each other on how to get the little dino back.  the alarm sounds , connor leaves. surayra makes a note to have a window installed in her office door so that people can see when she’s occupied or not.  

in the midst of her session with lester , she receives a phone call - how should we talk to a  knight displaced in time ?   the idea fascinates her , & just as she’s gathering her notebooks , lester reminds her that she is not cleared for the field.  the session becomes an hour long discussion as to why she should be allowed into the field , & how they can make it possible.  neither side relents , but they come to the conclusion that any witness to an incursion is allowed to contact her should they need therapy. the non-disclosure agreements are rewritten , & she is allowed to leave business cards in the team’s vehicles to be passed out. 

most of the team scoffs at the very idea , a few of the men ‘ lose ’ the cards ;  sarah & connor are the two biggest supporters of the idea , & pass them to those who need it happily. 

events of episode 8 

upon the return of the team from their latest mission , sarah & surayra have an impromptu session to discuss bugs.  they can both agree that they’re nasty , & worse when they’re bigger.  surayra helps her with a few breathing exercises , everything goes back to normal. while the team is out, she has her normal sessions with the arc staff members . these can range anywhere from relationship advice , to dealing with night terrors involving dinosaurs. 

when learning that the team has returned from a rescue mission,  sar immediately heads to the scene, having hitched a ride with one becker’s men. though not quite yet cleared for field work , she desperately wants to offer her help  to jack maitland.  she arrives to find the team in the worst shape she’s seen them to date ,  but puts her focus to jack (  note : he is her first civilian patient , & they keep in touch especially in light of the final episodes ) .

she provides emotional triage among the physical triage , & it’s when lester is forced to admit that she can be of use in the field.  upon her return to the arc she is given the proper clearance for field work , & dog gets an official ARC patch for his work vest. 

at the end of the long day , having given a proper session for every member of the team that’s gone through the most recent anomaly ,  surayra helps danny with the bandages on his neck .  somehow they spend a final night together. he’s gone before daybreak & out spying on christine johnson. surayra spends the entire morning in her office with the shades drawn tight, & a citrus candle burning. the only time she brings emotions into work. 

events of episodes 9 & 10 

at hearing about the most recent anomaly , & the location , sar is allowed to go with the team , but under strict orders not to get involved with any creatures. she follows orders perfectly, sitting with anyone who needs it ,  especially with one embarrassed bachelor.  it is the first time she sees any sort of creature up close , & she develops a new appreciation for what the team actually does.  

with the anomaly closed , she gets to work ensuring that the mental health of all those having been evacuated by men with guns is fine.  it’s quick work for her , & when she returns to the arc , she is greeted with a hostage situation. it’s terrifying , she has no problems admitting. takes note of lester’s remarks, schedules a session for them later.  has to keep her mind focused on anything aside from the many guns.  

the crisis is averted , & the core team rushes off ,   surayra has no time to process what’s happened & the panic it brings up within herself, she immediately goes to those who were caught in the middle of it, & brings them to her office. the evening is spent holding a few crying researchers, & letting one or two men vent out their frustrations. 

it is the last time she sees danny , connor & abby until the events of season four.

by the next morning , the team has already gone on the hunt for helen. surayra takes an hour to herself to be anxious in her office, it’s the first time she allows dog to comfort her . he climbs on her lap , & no one coming in for their sessions questions why he’s there. everyone knows , & shares the same fears, it is a stressful day within the arc as it is for those on the outside , & sar is there for each & every one of them. she sits in her office the whole day , awaiting for a phone call from sarah. when it does come , it only brings bad news.  surayra calms her friend over the phone , & again helps her to breathe.  

though surayra is not a member of the core team , when she can convince sarah to return ; she , sarah & becker all begin working at a plan to get them back. they keep working at it for as long as they can , surayra being the voice of reason to stop them when they need a break. she continues to be the voice of comfort for the staff & team through the entire ordeal.