#I was throwing up like all last night
Explore tagged Tumblr posts
Text
*goes outside*
*digs hoke in the snow*
*curls up in the hole in the snow*
*buries self mostly on snow*
*goes to sleep*
#I'm too warm:(#Also sick#I was throwing up like all last night#Hurts to move#Also I'm hungry#But like#I don't want to throw up more#I feel like doing this would solve a lot of my problems#random
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
HE'S GONNA STEAL--NOT JUST YOUR HEART--BUT EVERYTHING YOU OWN AS WELL!!!
#chrisrin doodles#grian#mcyt#persona 5#hermitcraft#i should probably come up with a name for this au?#anyways GRIAN!#i didn't have a firm persona in mind for him#but i was thinking about maybe someone like artful dodger?#from oliver twist#ill be frank i know nothing about the novel#i was just looking last night for famous thieves but specifically like#very sterotypical pickpockets/classic thieves#not very gentleman-y at all#he's probably a wind user#super quick on his feet#he does not have a gun he just throws explosives#if youre wondering about his outfit i think it's VERY fitting for grian to have his ideal version of 'rebellion'#be literally like. a petty robber who causes absolute chaos#he still has his shackles on#theyre broken#he just got out of jail#he's going to rob another bank#he's going to be a Fucking Menace#and no one can stop him#his codename i think would change every single time#scar just calls him something new every time they go in#and the rest of the thieves just roll with it
642 notes
·
View notes
Text
from what I infer from some of his dialogue, my guess is that while lucanis hasn't had a proper relationship before he has had one night stands and short term flings. and -- listen, I know he's a dick and a menace and probably a hopeless case but please do still spare illario dellamorte a moment of your thoughts and pity for the role of incredulous yet intrepid wing man that he's all but certainly had to play on several occasions for that to happen. there are 100% people out there who were trying SO fucking hard to get no strings attached laid by this stupidly hot emotionally unavailable mysterious stranger who won't be in town for long without lucanis ever realizing it. people who would have remained tragically unlaid if illario weren't there to clue him in.
I'm just imagining Illario staring in pure dismay and disbelief at his dumbass of a cousin failing to pick up what someone isn't just putting down but scattering all over the floor like glittery confetti burning with a magnesium flame brightness to spell out 'SIR PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE RAIL ME THIS IS AN OFFICIAL ENTHUSIASTIC INVITATION TO MY BED' and having to push him out the door after them like 'maker's breath sometimes i don't understand how you have the wits to grip the right end of a knife, lucanis, they were throwing themselves at you and you just stared at them in mild puzzlement until they gave up and went away go fucking GET THEM for the sake of my sanity if nothing else!!!'
#'oh was THAT what that was' lucanis realizes as illario all but throws him onto the person's lap and walks away shaking his head#once he was actually there and the stiuation and what's expected of him were understood I think he'd do wonderfully!#but provably he uh. takes some clueing in at times#illario 'cousin one day you will have fun even if it kills me' dellamorte (dramatic irony edition)#tfw your cousin-brother is SO hot. and so autistic.#dragon age#dragon age: the veilguard#dragon age: the veilguard spoilers#dragon age spoilers#illario dellamorte#lucanis dellamorte#every day I think about 'get that man to stop yelling at me'. illario snooze that guy for me please. their *Dynamic*.#i finished murder of crows last night and the way lucanis' 'not. now' is so out of proportion to what's actually happened.#he sounds mildly annoyed. like illario blunted one of his knives or something instead of shredded his soul. this family is. something#we never get how much of illario's 'that isn't even my cousin that's a demon' shit is real beneath the. general scarness of him lol#but you know what I call that? free narrative real estate. I'm going to go ahead and make myself so so sad about this for no reason <3#illario loves and hates this guy in ways even he himself doesn't understand. so annoying when abel gets back up again#and still wants you to come to family dinner tonight while your hands are dripping with his blood#if anyone had to listen to lucanis anxiously deciding what would be the best way to court the prickliest man in thedas#and deciding on one of the worst possible options. it was illario. again he sucks and he deserves this. but still. the mind boggles
249 notes
·
View notes
Text
i was thinking about that theory of alicent being the one who poisons aegon and....... god, it would be like full circle and so gut wretchingly tragic my stomach turns with just thinking about it bc you are my child, my first born, my first baby, but i didn’t want you, i never wanted you, you were forced on me but you are my son so i love you, but i struggled with it but i loved you still because you are my son but i struggle with my love for you so i showed it terribly and i hurt you and then you grew up and i didn’t like you and you disappointed me but i love the bones of you but then i sold you to your enemy, who happens to be my soul’s desire, because i wanted to end the war bc i wanted to protect your sister and your child, so i sold you, you, who were the very same thing that cemented the end of our already broken bond, you the very reason why nothing was ever going to be the same, but i struggled with that as well bc you are my son but i knew, she said, that she had to take your head so i said yes. i sold you, my first born, to free myself, to protect my daughter and her baby and to rectified my mistakes, by doing the very same thing that froze me with fear for years, that made me rage and bitter and made you believe that you wanted something you did not but then you escaped and she was looking at me like i betrayed her, again, you were the reason she was cold and distant and cruel and far away while being so close but then you came back and you, you, you, you, once again are the reason why she’s gone. but this time i can’t reach her, this time i can’t go to her and offer your head because you knew, you always knew because you burned her in front of my eyes bc you are the reason, you and you and you and so i’m mad with sadness. my soul’s hallow. and all that duty, all that sacrificing, my own heavy cloak of righteousness, my rage, me loving you, me protecting you and your siblings, me giving you up was for absolutely fucking nothing because i kill you, me, me, me, me. your mother me. rhaenyra’s alicent’s me....... [GUNSHOT]
#rhaenicent#rhaenyra targaryen#alicent hightower#hotd#house of the dragon#i was bursting with excitement with just thinking about it i cant wait for the next seasons omfg#i mean it has ALWAYS been about rhaenyra and alicent but god i was thinking about this theory last night and i wanted to throw up#bc it would be SO fitting and SO fucking tragic#gimme all that angst GODDAMNIT#alicent my favorite girlfailure pls come back home i miss you#maybe it aint gon happen like this but like HEAR ME OUT#also like we know alicents gonna BE THERE when aegon kills rhaenyra like atp it aint even a theory like that#FOR SURE GONNA HAPPEN#doomed yuri#is too reductive for them atp#your son kills tloyl so you kill him or something like that#ty for coming to my ted talk#thats the yapping section of the day mwah!!!!
81 notes
·
View notes
Note
Hi, sorry to be anon, but can I ask to see the Vargas family post trick or treating? Divying the goods, or just being tired from the event? Thank you and Happy Halloween!
Day 30 - Fine, but you're taking nightmare duty
#Requestober#My art#Vargas#Scriabin#Edgar#Todd#Shmee#Called it on being late today lol - not bad for the first (and hopefully last!) of the season tho!#Also no prob on the anon :) As long as you're following the rules it's all good! Anon's there for a reason <3#And Happy (Almost) Halloween! :D#They're back from Trick Or Treat! Edgar and Scriabin in this year's featured costumes haha <3#Once again refusing to show them outside the apartment lol it's just a reliable setpiece!#And since I didn't get any ISaT reqs this time around I decided to throw in a reference myself lol#Toddfrin hehe little guy <3#The adults are very tired from all the running around - Scriabin especially haha his lack of impulse control and being new#Looks like he managed to keep his costume on the whole night tho good for him ♪#Even exhausted he's still going to find some way to poke at Edgar just his nature haha#Todd was going to listen! He's a good kid <3#We all know there's no way Scriabin's getting up after all the excitement haha barely holding onto the back of the couch#We'll just have to pretend Todd gets perfect sleep and nothing spooky happens :') It could pan out that way! Maybe!#I always enjoy this midway-to-chibi style hehe it's cute! But still a little lanky#Little bit quicker and good and cute ♪ Enjoyable
105 notes
·
View notes
Text
do NOT think about lottielee at three am ❌❌ you’ll end up with a whole ass animatic in roughly three hours at the cost of your sanity
#uploading it on yt soon bc tumblr is shit at videos (this has been uploading forever yall)#also i’m posting it in the morning bc late night posts get no attention 💔 sorry to my east hemi followers#anyways ummmm for all the animatics i’ve planned this was NOT one of them#yet i just… randomly made it last night?#it’s pretty messy but procreate animation software is like caveman level. so.#i had to manually color each background 😭😭#the front bottoms#sheps art#yellowjackets#yellowjackets showtime#yellowjackets fanart#artists on tumblr#art#lottie matthews#charlotte matthews#laura lee#lottie yellowjackets#lottielee#lottie x laura lee#tw blood#blood#tw horror#horror#antler queen#animatic#yellowjackets animatix#i fucking hate yellowjackets#jesus christ#oh my god#throwing up everywhere
137 notes
·
View notes
Text
doctors deciding whether to blame their patients symptoms on anxiety, weight, or menstruation this time around
#chronic illness#also they refuse to test me for things my doctor referred me to get tested for. because i haven’t had a medical emergency related to it?#like mf my legs turn backwards with no effort and i throw up every time i eat I AM NOT OK#you’d think if it was one of these things they always tell me it is that. idk. it’d be getting better by now !#and yet i just get worse and worse#i haven’t been able to draw in months from fatigue and feeling so sick all the time lol#went to the ER last night again and got hit with the “yeah your tests show signs of a UTI but you’re on your period so it’s probably that#and they sent me home feeling no better at all#i could rant about doctor stories for an eternity i cannot explain how fucked up it is#i feel like i’m fucking dying every day and no one ever has an answer for me
48 notes
·
View notes
Text
i love writing fanfiction because i too will sometimes gasp at my own writing. how the fuck did i come up with this /pos
(read here !!!)
#“although he has a feeling remus needs him too” OH MY GOD. WHAT WAS I ON LAST NIGHT.#guys this is real not fake i am such a good writer#going insane over my own writing like are you KIDDING ME#if 12 y/o geo could see me now she'd scream cry and throw up#all those cringey oneshots walked so this one could FUCKING **FLY**#sanders sides#remus sanders#logan sanders#logan x remus#remus x logan#intrulogical#my writing#my rambles
41 notes
·
View notes
Text
I just don't understand people who don't do a COVID test when they get sick
#like yes of course for some people thats not affordable#but for the vast majority money isnt the issue#i picked up a sore throat and congestion over the weekend and figured it was allergies#i was pretty damn sure but i coughed last night and thats unusual#so i bit the bullet and at 7 fucking am this morning i went and found a covid test before work#good thing too because by the time i got to work the test was positive#because of that im within the window for paxlovid#and i havent really exposed that many people#my brother in christ this shit kills people#its not the common cold#the responsible thing to do is to test when youre fucking sick#and isolate if you know its covid#i have no idea on what criteria i qualified for paxlovid but im guessing it was asthma#heres hoping my mcas doesnt throw a tantrum about this#its entirely possible i caught this from my coworker#who did not test at all and stopped wearing a mask after a day or two#they know about my health issues and i cant help but feel hurt about how little they cared about the possible consequences to me#i should be fine btw im not even feeling particularly sick#salt baby talks#disability#chronic illness
51 notes
·
View notes
Text
Some (late) holiday photos of the boye~!
#cats#holiday#OUGHH....... barely could even get these edited and posted... my mysterious sickness flare up has been sooo bad the past few#days.. I didn't even go to the usual obligatory family christmas I was supposed to attend (!!! health issue/medical mention in tags below)#My stomach issues basically put me in a constant state of uncontrollable shivering/body shaking + nausea + sometimes rapid heart#rate. and when it happens at night that makes it like.. nearly impossible to sleep when you're violently shaking + you can feel your heart#so strong + you keep having to run to the bathroom every 5 minute to cough and gag#and throw up and so on and so forth. etc. So I went like 40 hours without any sleep almost for christmas eve and all of christmas day#last night I finally got maybe 2 hours of sleep in between the nausea and shaking and stuff. and then today I was able to get a few#hours of sleep in the afternoon. Today I tried taking an anxiety mediciation a doctor gave me in case it was anxiety related (it's apparent#ly used to relax people and works in the moment. rather than like Anxiety Mediciation that you have to take for weeks to see any effect#because I think this isn't actually acting on your brain chemistry it's judt like..a mild sedative or something.) but all that did was make#me dizzy and sweaty lol. I;m glad I slept a little but I'm just still frustrated that I don't feel normal. I started having these#'episodes' (with the stomach issues + shaking + heartrate + nausea etc.) like at the end of october. And usually it will happen for like a#few hours at a time. or i'll lose sleep one day and then be fine the next. but this has been like nearly 3 days of feeling weird. so is#getting kind of annoying... It's funny too because I was so so productive like.. literally the few days before. I was feeling much better#and I was working on my game and blah blah. But then.. random issue flare up out of nowhere of course.. yaayy.... happy holidays to meee lo#I did at least see two random ducks outside of my window in the yard area for christmas. and havent seen them since. So it's like.. hrmm..#pacing around my room nauseous and shakings and etc. but at least... hello.. two little ducks placed there just for me :3c#Now I get anxiety every night which I'm sure doesn't help/could exacerbate whatever underlying genuinely physical issues exist. But after#like 2 nights of 'I spend the night sleepless and incredibly uncomfortable just sitting in the dark sick' then bedtime is like.. dread...#I even was trying slapping myself in the face in desperation to see if somehow that could shock my body out of whatever the hell it was#doing lol.. up at 3am holding ice cubes in my hand and hitting myself in the head and crying from exhaustion and thowing up.. literally#ridiculous cartoon character feeling... AAANYWAY!!! At least I have baby boy pictures. and I have lots of doctors appointments so hopefully#whatever the issue is can be sorted out at some point. I don't know much about ibs but hopefully maybe something like that that I could pos#ibly take medication for and not something more seirous or anything. Maybe there's a food I'm secretly intolerant to or whatever.#And I did at least post a sims holday video actually timed for the holidays so that's something. I havent been productive really latrely#though obviously.. I can't even play games or small tasks when in that state since I'm just SO physically uncomfortable. Nausea and heart#stuff are THE hardest physical sensations to ignore.. BUT yeah... hoping I shall sleep at all tonight. hopeing to get like 3 productive#things done.. at some point... at least SOMETHING... lol..... *** *** ***
74 notes
·
View notes
Text
confiding
#ffxiv#ffxiv wol#shadowbringers#shadowbringers spoilers#ocs#oc: yesui#it’s only impliedish but this does hinge on you being a Knower so#gotta draw more yesui and exarch stuff. the people must know.#essentially after getting accidentally brought back to life by him kinda#she went well since i can’t protect kiril right now i might as well throw myself at the next best thing: this guy#and despite the exarch telling her she’s free to go and she by no means has to stay w him at all times#it takes a while for her to be like wow. i can … do that….#cue her cryptid arc around the crystarium#she ends up assigning like. the whole crystarium as her charge#side note. she’s like. i have to devote myself to protecting [insert thing here] or else I don’t know what to do with myself#so a whole city rather than one person is honestly big steps for her good job#oh also she was another reason why it was so hard to grab kiril’s soul#bc she was actively batting the exarch away from it until he managed to snag her#so she was the last person to get mistakenly sent to the first#anyways that’s all my yesui lore for tonight good night
29 notes
·
View notes
Text
2007, conference finals phoenix vs san antonio
#politely i'm obsessed#also so the first gif is from essentially the game clinching play#there's a minute and a half left pho are ahead 89 to 85 [they've won the first game in the series if they win this they are through#to the championship. the game has been up and down with sas going on runs and one girl hitting 4 threes in the first#cappie pondexter winds down the shot clock penny sets a screen to let her through#all the sas run to cappie which leaves penny open for 3#she makes it she's fouled and 1#that first gif is right after she makes the shot and the whistle blows#then she makes the free throw phoenix mercury are up by 8 and sas has to foul for the last minute of play#i am also obsessed with their big 3 being 3 13 and 23#also that this is cappie's second year in the league and she is the reason they won this game#and she wins finals mvp#this footage well the first one is from the measly 1 minute and 48 second penny taylor highlight from the wnba#and the second one which is from the same game but not in the bootleg video on youtube is in an edit from inside the bun#which has in the description free diana so i can only assume it's from the modafinil situation but i cannot find that footage anywhere#it's actually unfortunate bc the merc used to like before youtube was big post video exclusives to their website#and not everything has been preserved#i have to go on the internet archive because i think there might be more there#it's where i see all the old late night clips that aren't on youtube#so and ik im yapping here that's why it's in the tags the way i figured out where the last one was from#was i cross checked getty images for the 2007 and 2009 playoffs#and there's an image of cappie you can see her in like the first frame talking to then gm annie meyers drysdale who now calls the games#diana taurasi#penny taylor
18 notes
·
View notes
Photo
The only thing I’ve ever wanted is to have total power over a single life.
#bakuspecial#eye strain#cw: gun#ask to tag#hi this is about hedda gabler#a translated version of which I went see last night!#it is! really good! I was like Insane over the stage and light design#like. the stage is tilted toward the audience. so whatever's going on at the back you can see the whole way through#there's an actual shredder on stage. hedda throws flowers in there whenever she gets mad#at the beginning of the second act a single bulb hung from a string lowered from the light rig#and then at the end the whole rig lowered and hedda swung on a swing made of the single bulb's strings#it was Fucking Good#so good that I drew. these#fksjfhdskj this is like. idk this feels like exactly the thing I did years ago for like. spirou and stuff#I probably understand colors a bit better than I did then? but I feel like the ~~aesthetics~~~ is the same lmao#well. it deserves it. that was once again Fucking Good#commemoration!#man. the chair. throughout the whole play there's this empty chair the characters keep dressing up in all kindsa clothes#and the servant character sat right outside the tilted stage#and by the end she's in the empty chair. I have Emotions about theater#my two years of prop work experience is coming back to me fskjdfhkdsj#I did have that to thank for a Lot of how I do my comic stuff tbh so! I think this is good. this is probably good
255 notes
·
View notes
Text
Late Night quick thing (New Age Sillies)
Bad news: That joke post about including Reset + Orchid is definitely not canon. (I legit got sad thinking about Reset being in a universe where Orchid isn't- because their stories are so so intertwined- but Nightmare 100% would NOT risk the whole twins exploding Error's soul thing.)
Good news: This means I COULD include Kane (Reset's older brother who usually dies in timelines where Reset is born) and use it to develope his character a bit more! Also! Perhaps a Blue × Dream kiddo is finally in the stars for me to design?
#new age au#really enjoying the idea of Reaper + Geno having an heir at some point (and them sending that heir over to Night's kingdom for#exposure to other places as well as to hang with his third cool knight dad who's hard at work 🙏)#Kane has little to no development besides being a perfect angel (foil to Reset's eventual turn to poor choices) so I'd love to do#to him what I do to every oc of mine. (Namely: Throw them into the Kingdom and see what they do.)#oh! and I could see Blue and Dream (beloved boys) listening to the warnings of possible complications if they try to have a lil babybones#and Dream deciding he'd take the risk and carry the growing soul#(<- though tbf this is MANY years into the future and they'd be well established knights of the realm)#i'm not evil so they *would* manage to avoid the twins curse and have a singular beautiful babybones#they'd get raised partially on the move but stay behind with Night and Error if the two had a more dangerous mission#and grow up to be an obnoxiously powerful warrior following after their dads#(but they'd probably be hesitant to follow into the footsteps of being a knight and might go on a quest with friends before choosing a#final path for themselves)#<- Most spoiled rotten kid ever. courtesy of Nightmare and Error and all their extended family <3#oh last note. Ancha has me cracking up w/ ideas for Cross potentially meeting someone and I was beamed w/ an old ship request post I saw and#I think it'd be funny to include Lust in here somehow... (probably call him smth else as a nickname but y'know-)#like. He works in the city around the castle as some sort of... idk tailor? and he's been making things for Nightmare for years without#knowing because Ccino always was discreet about the orders and providing measurements + always tipped well so it was none of his business#but one day it's like. before a big announcement ceremony or smth and Ccino drags Cross in by the scruff because no one can get him to get#clothes that actually fit aside from armor (hc he steals the others clothes a lot and wears 1 shirt until it's threadbare)#so Ccino makes him go to Lust and Lust is able to get him fitted for sone new outfits because. well. Lust doesn't do much but he's very very#handsome and Cross is super easily flustered and shy around new people and he's awkward and aughhh.#and then he thinks about the interaction for the next month before deciding he's going to ask Ccino to go back there again.#and Lust likes dressing Cross up in new outfits (everyone thinks it's great Cross is loosening up and meeting new friends cuz Lust introduce#s him to people in town) and it takes forever for Cross to get over his worries and ask Lust out to a ride on his horse (romantic. of course#) and Lust agrees because he's charmed.#and the best part would be Cross *actually* manages to keep it a secret. like. no one finds out until one morning Killer bursts into Cross'#room to wake him for surprise training and it's Cross. the weird Dog. and- holy shit did Cross have someone over???#Cross pulls the cool ones frfr 🙏#it's just a casual thing between them with little plot relevance or drama I think. just a chill lil relationship 🙏
13 notes
·
View notes
Text
aventurine pl. Plea s e . PLLEEEEEEASE
#★ arin rambles#‘here we go again’ you think everytime you see my ramble tag. I dont blame you#AVENTURINE AVENTURINE PLEASE SAVE ME WHITE BOY#OH MY LORD#OH MY GOODNESS GRACIOUS OH MY GOODNESS.#MY JSOE IS RUNNING HES RUINNING MY LIFE I CANT DO THIS ANYMORE IM SO ILL PLEASE I#AVENTURINE. im so serious i can talk about this man all day. and more specifically this video#‘it was just posted 30 minutes ago arin youre scaring the kids’ SILENCE. I NEED SPACE#I NEED A. A MOMENT. EVERYBODY PLEAS GETA WAY FROM ME IM GOING TO GET SO SCARY#Please. Im so sorry. Im begging you . I love this man oh my gish please hes so cute#HES SO CUTE. HES SO CUTE IM SO SICK OF HIM WHY???????? WHY IS HE SO PRETTY HES SO PRETTY HES GOREGOUS HES SO STUNNING. HELLO. HELLO.#Im going to. Slam my head against the wall im overwhelmed with joy and happiness hes everything ive ever wanted ever#any minute not spent talking about him is a moment wasted i promise you MY PRINCESS IM COMING TO SAVE YOU#IM HIS KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOUR EXCEPT ITS NOT SHINY#IM COVERED IN DIRT#IM STILL COMING FOR YOU AVENTURINE RUN#oh goodness me oh my#im so happy hes so prettu im so happy i cant do rhis im sweating geniumnly i feel so sick#Im cant . Do this anymore. I CANT TAKE IT. I HAVE TO… AAUGH… AAAHH… I HAVE TO…. DANCE!#guys…. he my favorriet…#my slinky….. my krimpet… my teacup i think. My doc mc stuffins doctor playset. My dishwasher. My italian coldsteel cinquedea . atp anything#hes my EVERYTHING. MY EVERYTHING…!!!!!!!! *MY TELEKENISIS THROWS EVERYTTHING ACROSS THE ROOM*#yall i dont think ive had a hyperfixation this horribly bad since. Since the. Since. MAN I DONT KNOW#IM COOKED. HE WOMT LEAVE ME ALONE. I LITERALLY DREAMT OF HIM LAST NIGHT LIKE IM SO DOOMED? ACTUALLY?#oh to be medicated and focus on . Things like cooking. Or idk. Getting a job. No i just think about some messed up blonde all day im absolut#ly DOOMED#yes im still yapping i got 30 tags u gon stick through them all. Every single one of them. Dont leave me please i want to talk about him ton#TO SOMEONE. I WANT TO TALK ABOUT HIM TO SOMEONE ALL DAY. ALL MY FRIENDS ARE TESTING. IM LEFT ALONE ALL DAY I JUST WANT TO TALK ABOUT MY WIFE#i womder how crazy i look right now#Sighs lovingly at him..
34 notes
·
View notes
Text
girlhood
#i have to fly out to capetown to see mother and im literally debating if i could land in the morning and leave at night on the same day#like. anything longer than that is going to ruin my year.#when she called and did her “katherine. you have to be here on the 10th” i literally sobbed in my bed for the rest of the day 😍😍😍#not dyeing my hair black for a year and its getting lighter and lighter everyday and i look like her again#and my therapist telling me “you need to do things for yourself.” but like can i? sorry that woman traumatised me and i actually cant :)#like everything i do is informed by her#I'm going to go and just like everytime the only way to keep my sanity is to mirror her. talk and sit and speak and read and eat like her#and its such a terrifying experience bc i remember that im capable of emulating her viciousness and maybe i am my mother's daugher 🤢🤢🤢#and im going to come back and its going to take fucking months for me to feel like myself again#“oh you look so beautiful just like your mother” i hope you DIE lol !!! the fact that my conception of beauty was shaped by her#growing up with this cruel beautiful detached woman and realising that at the intersection of beauty and wickness is a lifetime of pain#and still being so desperate for her approval- for any metaphysical proximity to her that i felt elated when#people would tell me i look like her. that it meant i was also beautiful like her and maybe she'll love me a little for it#but now i know for a fact that i do look like her and it makes saliva swell under my tongue - that moment right before you throw up-#when people mention it 😍#last time i was in capetown my optic neuritis flared up (and i know for a fact it was that it was ms-stress related from having to see her)#and i thought i hid it so well even though i had near constant headaches & lethargy until she said “katherine give me the red notebook”#and i knew that she knew all along. it was so acutely humiliating standing there and knowing she knows i cant see which one is the red one#and she tilted her head and said “whats the matter? do you not know what red looks like?”#im never going to have kids. my mother and i read eachother so well it can only mean im never too far removed from becoming her#lol!!!!!!!!!
52 notes
·
View notes