#I was replaying the memory and all I can say is doctor who has ruined me

[midnight-wood]

*Toxic by Britney Spears starts playing*

[phoenixmaiden-gaming]

Assassin’s Creed III: Liberation part 11

So wow, a lot happened this time around. I finally read the diary pages from Aveline’s mother and learned some things. Went down to some ruins and found a relic and finally killed Rafael. And the most surprising of all, I found Aveline’s mother! She’s alive!! But the moment was brief and confusing. I was then returned to New Orleans where I had to chase down a recruiter who locked himself into a fort. So much to unpack. Here we go.

I had left off right before I had to go search for clues around Jeanne’s house, so I went to the area and had to use Eagle Vision to look for foot prints. It lead me around a house where I had to search some spots.

Around the back of a house, I found a hat that Aveline said it was her mother’s  and further down a bag that could be hers as well. At the end of the road behind a house I found a diary page and that was the end of the mission. (S4/M5: Trail of Truth - complete)

After the mission ended, I heard a voice again saying that they will help me uncover the truth. It was one of the Citizen E missions again. I had to find him and kill him. 

I looked around for a while and eventually found a gold outline up above and found the person inside the ruins. So I killed Citizen E and a familiar scene replayed.

It was the conversation with the Overseer again but this time, it made more sense. Before it was like there was something missing and this was what it was. Here was the conversation about the man who tried to run away, he had said they had talked about him before but I didn’t see it. 

In one sentence Rafael said he was in the mood for a hanging in dealing with the escapee and then moved on to ask about his suggestion on doctoring the worker’s drink with poison. Why he would want to do that when he needs workers? The Overseer voiced his concerns with that. Rafael agreed since he didn’t need another repeat of the Mackadal debacle. Wonder what happened there?

The Overseer came up with an idea to give the workers a feast and tell them they were close to them owning the land as motivation. Rafael agreed and said that he was right and that the Company Man was already displeased. Ah, there is where the scene started before. It makes more sense now with more context. Abstergo was altering the memories to make them look better. (Citizen E Encounter #2 - complete)

I finally took the time to read through Jeanne’s diary pages that I had collected and wow. I should have read them before. So it turns out that Jeanne was a slave and while she only gave the first initials, it looks like she knew Mackadal and Agate. Also, it seems like Agate and Jeanne were together and he tried to get her to join the Brotherhood with him but she didn’t want to. She was eventually sold to Philipe de Granpre, but before that she stole something from the Brotherhood. After several years, she became Philipe’s placee and they had a daughter, Aveline. Phillipe took an actual wife, Madeline - which sucks. Jeanne heard that someone moved into the Bayou and she feared they were looking for her because of something she stole. So, trusting that Aveline will be safe and loved by Madeline, she left. But she left the “Heart” with her. ooh something juicy there. 

Jeanne ended up here at this site where she worked hard and found an artifact that looked like the Heart of the Brotherhood she had stolen. She didn’t want the brotherhood or anyone else to have it so she hid it. She also said she didn’t trust Madeline since she hadn’t heard anything from her about her daughter and thinks that she is part of something else more sinister than the Brotherhood and fears what has happened to her daughter. After a while, someone de F, who I think is Rafael de Ferrer, banished her because she kept making excuses on not finding any artifacts so she had to go into hiding and somehow find a way to escape. Wow. What a story and I don’t even have all the pages yet. But also, I don’t even know who I can trust now. Agate tried to pressure Jeanne to join and instead got Aveline involved and now even Aveline’s stepmother may be involved in something...a Templar? Who knows.

I started the next mission and in the loading screen it showed the Animus Memory Notes that Aveline looked over the clues left behind by her mother and it lead her to a cenote’s entrance to find some treasure.

I had to go through a trail and then I had to jump down into a cavern full of water. Then I had to swim and dive down into the cavern and back up and out of the water, hitting some checkpoints. I found a treasure chest with some money in it.

I eventually got to a point where I learned a new move, using the whip to get across a big gap. It was a little hard to figure out to go at some points though and I kept falling. 

I eventually I had to swim down into a underground cavern and into an open area. Under the water I found a Mayan Statuette and then I went above water where I was in a futuristic room that was breaking apart. I then had to do a puzzle and put a ball into the center. Once I did, on the platform, a pedestal opened up to reveal an artifact, the Prophecy Disk.

Just then, there was a blast and part of the wall crumbled to reveal Rafael de Ferrer and some soldiers. He was here for the artifact and thanked Aveline for doing the hard work for him and he wanted me to take it from me.

I then had to kill Rafael, so I moved right away and killed him and pushed him through a hole in the floor. Now he won’t be a problem.

But, thanks to the blast in the mine tunnel, it was now falling apart and I had to race through as it came down around me.

Near the exit to the mines, I ran into the last person that I would expect. Aveline’s mother!! She was in disbelief that she was here and had thought that Madeline would have kept her safe, her and her heart. There was that word again, I think it’s an object.

Jeanne saw the blades that Aveline had and thought that she was there to kill her on Agate’s orders. But Aveline told her that she was here on her own will and had thought Jeanne was dead. Jeanne said that she never wanted to leave but if she stayed then “they” would have killed her and taken her heart. She didn’t explain what that meant and said that Agate should never be given the Disk and if he did, everything she had done would be for nothing. She didn’t explain how she knew Agate either and then left. I had to leave too before the mine collapsed and the mission ended. (S4/M6: The Secret of the Cenote - complete)

At the loading screen, the Animus notes said that with de Ferrer dad and the slave colony free, Aveline went back to New Orleans. Things were different now, but she still didn’t know the identity of the Company Man.

Sequence 5

Back in New Orleans, I went inside the Warehouse where Gerald was busy. He was surprised but happy to see her and she filled him in on what happened to Rafael de Ferrer and he told her that things have changed here in New Orleans as well. He said that the Spanish were sympathetic to our cause and have passed laws to make things easier for slaves to be free.

But there was a problem. There was some Spanish men causing trouble in the Bayou but because the Spanish was now aligned with them, was why it was strange. They needed to find out what was going on. An informant had gotten them a lead that he had seen a man bribing soldiers.

Aveline made to leave but Gerald stopped her and they had an awkward moment when she thought he was stopping her to talk about their feelings, but he was just returning her weapons. Awkward!!

I saw a new mark on my map that said Precious Stone, but I couldn’t find anything there, so I will have to come back to that.

I then tracked down the suspect and had to track him as he walked through town. Easy enough, I just blended in with the crowd and behind buildings.

He eventually met up with some soldiers and tried to bribe them right in front of me. He was telling them that his employer was prepared to be very generous if they joined their cause. So there was someone else behind it...

The recruiter spotted me and started running while the soldiers attacked, but I ignored the soldiers and gave chase. He was fast and I had to weave in between civilians while making sure the soldiers behind me didn’t catch up.

I didn’t make it in time and the recruiter  ran into the fort at the corner of the town and the door closed. That was the end of the mission (S5/M1: Prodigal Daughter - complete). I guess I will have to find out a way to get inside the fort and kill the recruiter, but that will have to wait until next time. This post has gotten too long and I can’t add anymore, so that is it. Happy Gaming!

[phati-sari]

Arshi FF: Tere Bin - Chapter 8

Read from the beginning | Chapter 7

Chapter 8: Ranjha (listen while reading)

Khushi

“What was he doing here?”

Khushi answered without turning, her head resting on the window sill as she studied the moon. “I don’t know.”

It’d taken a long time to escape to the room she shared with her sister after they’d first stepped through the doors. First, Amma had asked about the hospital visit, making Khushi recite everything the Doctor Sahib had said while Bua-ji interrupted often to ask questions. Babu-ji had soon taken over, asking to see the paperwork Khushi had collected and asking a few questions of his own. Still full from the gol gappe, Khushi had nibbled on some puri under Jiji’s watchful gaze while the family considered the payment plan the clinic had laid out.

Luckily, no one had asked exactly how she’d gotten home.

“You were in his car, Khushi.” Jiji came to stand next to her, her tone coloured with disapproval.

“The auto broke down. He was driving past.”

“He, of all the people in Lucknow and Delhi, just happened to be driving by? At the exact moment your auto broke down?”

An odd defensiveness flared in her chest, words popping out of her mouth before she’d thought them through.

“What can I say, Jiji? My phone’s battery was dead, it was dark. He offered to drop me home.”

Jiji reached out to touch her shoulder. “Did he fight with you again?”

No, he bought me gol gappe.

“No more than usual,” Khushi tried to smile at her sister. “I’m fine. Really. He drove me home. That’s all.”

Though she looked unconvinced, Jiji stepped away with a nod to ready herself for bed. Khushi waited until she was alone to snatch her bag from where it hung on a hook. Her searching fingers found the business card he’d offered.

“Well, it’s just that you like arguing so much, and we argue so often … I think we should keep in touch.”

At the time, she’d been so startled that she’d simply taken the card and slid from the car without answering. Jiji, fortunately, had been too busy scowling at him through the windows to notice as she’d slipped it into her bag.

The card was thick, the surface almost velvety to the touch. It sported a bright red logo in the top corner and announced his name in crisp black letters — ARNAV SINGH RAIZADA. Khushi shook her head to clear the unbidden memory of correcting his name on hundreds of letters.

The writing on the card included a number she recognised for the reception desk at the head offices and an email address that his managers monitored. But he’d scrawled another number untidily along one side with a black pen.

His personal number, Khushi realised with a jolt.

It felt strangely intimate, though logic reminded her that she’d had the same number saved in her phone before he’d broken it on the storeroom floor.

Why is he still in Lucknow?

On the heels of this thought came another: Why should I care?!

Her mind was suddenly awhirl with memories — raised voices and shouted words, a fall from his window, the broken door to the storeroom. His airs about money and power. The terror of the guesthouse.

Khushi ripped the business card in half, her breath coming in rapid pants, and then tore it into even smaller pieces. Tears stung in her eyes. She scrunched the pieces into her palm as Jiji returned to the room.

“Make sure you wake up early tomorrow,” her sister draped her towel near the window. “We’re going to the temple.”

“Okay.”

Waiting until Jiji was occupied with something in the cupboard, Khushi returned the ruined card to her bag. In the bathroom, she brushed her teeth and washed her face before studying her reflection. Her pulse was a chaotic drumbeat in her body, her thoughts a wild tangle. And underneath it all was something that thrilled and scared her at the same time, something that had followed her to Lucknow.

                                    #####

“Everything leads back to him,” Jiji had groaned, rolling on her side on the bed they shared. “Just go to sleep quietly.”

It had been a week since they’d returned to Lucknow, and Khushi had been comparing the price of potatoes between Lucknow and Delhi. Or at least, that was how the conversation had started. She couldn’t remember how they’d gotten to talking about that Laad Governor.

“You’re right Jiji. We’re in Lucknow now and we’ll soon forget that we ever went to Delhi. Or that we met such cruel, haughty people. Although … Anjali-ji had such sweetness in her. It’s a shame that we had to leave without saying goodbye to her. At least we met one nice person in Delhi. Oh … and Nani-ji. Maybe two nice people. And Aakash-ji, I suppose, though —”

“— Khushi! Are you going to count out every member of his family? Your mind is like a compass that’s always stuck on him!”

“And why wouldn’t it be?” Khushi had asked hotly. “He sent me there to do some meaningless task, knowing the place was about to collapse.”

“I know. You’ll never have to see him again, Khushi. You resigned from that awful job, you gave him an earful, and now you’re here and he’s there.”

The words should have elated her, but they only left her feeling strangely hollow.

                                    #####

That hollowness sat heavily inside her as Khushi joined her sister in their bed a few minutes later, sliding between the covers with a sigh.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Jiji’s voice was soft in the dimness.

“Yes.”

“You barely ate dinner.”

“I’m not hungry.”

A short silence, in which Khushi’s mind unhelpfully replayed the way she’d fallen into his arms yet again.

Oh Devi Maiyya, couldn’t you find another place to make me slip? You mustn’t have liked the offering I left you this morning.

“I’m glad we came back to Babu-ji,” Jiji said softly. “I can’t imagine being away from home at a time like this.”

“The doctors said that as long as he rests properly and takes his medicines, there’s nothing to worry about.”

“He isn’t resting nearly enough, even with both of us at the shop.”

Khushi nodded her agreement, “He’s worried about the bills.”

“Bua-ji and Amma are talking about selling some jewellery. I thought I’d give them my bangles.”

“I have bangles we can sell too.”

It took a while for Jiji’s breathing to fall into the deep, slow rhythm of sleep. Khushi lay awake, her thoughts chasing each other in ever-tightening spirals.

The night of the photoshoot. The softness of her pallu as it slipped. The scorch of his gaze as it roved over her body and left her feeling singed. The electricity between them on Teej, every touch a bolt of lightning. The weight of him pressing into her in the storeroom.

She flushed, skin prickling and warmth blooming in secret places.

Stop it, Khushi. A handful of gol gappe is all it takes for you to forget his cruelty?

She turned onto her side with a huff. Sometimes it felt as though her life had been split into Before and After, as though falling at the fashion show had created an entirely new Khushi Kumari Gupta. A Khushi who was strangely compelled towards him, a Khushi who’d come dangerously close to swooning in his arms today. A Khushi who wanted something she had no name for.

“I didn’t know the situation at the guesthouse was that bad!”

“Do you really think I would’ve sent you there if I’d known? Is that what you think of me?”

For the first time, she allowed herself to entertain the idea that he hadn’t sent her there on purpose.

So what if he hadn’t? I was still trapped there for an entire day. He was wrong.

But the thought was impossible to dislodge now that it’d wormed into her mind. Having assumed he’d wanted to argue every time he’d approached her, she now considered whether he might have been trying to explain. She saw their interactions in a new light. The sweets, the cheque.

Did he feel guilty? Was he trying to say sorry?

She eventually fell into an uneasy sleep, tormented in her dreams by his eyes, his voice, the memory of his touch. She woke just before dawn, breathless and damp with sweat, the sheets tangled with her legs. Flinging them off, Khushi sat up in bed. Her sister made a questioning noise.

“Sleep, Jiji. It’s not time to wake up yet.”

A nameless storm raged in her chest, making it hard to breathe. She squeezed her eyes shut.

I should hate him.

A lurch in her tummy.

But I don’t.

Padding slowly over to her bag, she fished out the pieces of the business card one by one. There was a roll of tape amongst the paper and pens scattered on the table in the corner. Khushi glanced back at her sister as she sat. It took a few minutes to line up the jagged edges, to press the tape along them with trembling fingers until she could read his name again.

He’d set down a challenge. She wouldn’t back down.

    ********

Thanks for reading :) I know some of you may be disappointed with the level of introspection in this chapter and where I chose to end it. Tere Bin is Arnav’s story, one where he has to work out what he wants and how to get it while Khushi is in Lucknow. While I intend to dip into Khushi’s point of view where the story demands it (and I feel that her presence greatly improved Chapters 6 and 7), it will focus heavily on Arnav. I am not intentionally writing something to annoy or disappoint readers. I’m trying to do something very specific with this story, and like all experiments, I’m learning as I go :) 

[imjustwritingg]

you can hear it in the silence

This takes place after Jay gets shot and the hospital scene in season 7, loosely based on the song “You Are In Love” by Taylor Swift. I’ve had this stored away half-finished for quite a while and put a crazy spin on it after seeing a prompt on Twitter. It also seems pretty fitting that I finished this specific one on the same day that JLS’s interview came out where he politely disregarded Linstead and said Upstead rights. Enjoy and let me know what you think. 💜

Also here: AO3 & FanFic.Net

cause you can hear in the silence

you can feel it on the way home

you can see it with the lights out

you are in love, true love

you're in love

XXX

“I can’t figure him out. He’s the first one through the door, a war vet, and he’d rather take a bullet than get the flu shot.”

“It’s hard because you love him.”

“When you were in surgery, no one knew what was going to happen and it made me realize I wanted to tell you something.”

“What were you gonna say?”

Hailey has replayed those moments from the hospital every day in her head since they first happened. Vanessa had straight up called the blonde out on her feelings, that it wasn’t just about her partner, Jay Halstead, but everything else he had become over the last few years of he and Hailey working together. A trusted confidant. Her best friend. Someone she could depend on endlessly. The man she had fallen for without even realizing she was falling in the first place.

When Jay had been given the all-clear to go home Hailey had somehow found the courage to finally tell him about her feelings for him. She wouldn’t be able to live with herself if something else were to happen and she never got the chance to tell him the truth about how she really felt towards him. Her heart always seemed to ache in that way where she could barely breathe around him and she wanted nothing more than to admit her feelings and hope for the best.

The words had been there right on the tip of her tongue, but with one ring of his undercover phone she was pulled back to reality. The walls shot up around her heart again, made her second guess everything up to that point, and she retreated back into herself as if it were some twisted sign from the universe screaming at her, “no, don’t do it!”

Could she really tell him the truth? And should she? Or would it ruin their friendship and the partnership they’d nearly perfected over the time spent working together? She just wasn’t sure. All of these questions plagued her mind since that day, but she knew she couldn’t voice them out loud. Not now. Not yet. Maybe not ever.

XXX

Jay had returned to work a week after his release from the hospital, but he remained on strict desk duty. He was itching to get back out into the field, but Voight had made it clear that, that wasn’t happening until the sling was off his shoulder and he got explicit written permission from his doctor. So, he stayed in the bullpen, pushing paperwork and helping to find leads for his team however he could.

When he saw his partner and Burgess at Platt’s desk that night after his first shift back, he couldn’t help the pride he felt inside of him knowing what Hailey had done to capture the perp.

“I heard you made a nice disarm,” he says while looking at Hailey.

Her face immediately breaks out into a shy smile. “Oh man. You want details?”

“Yeah, I’m losing my mind,” he tells her.

“After six days?” Kim teases.

“After six minutes,” Jay emphasizes with a slight shake of his head.

Before the three of them can make a quick escape from the district, Platt calls out to Kim making her hang back. She says a quick goodbye to the duo, leaving Hailey and Jay to themselves. Hailey looks at her partner and nods to the door, and the pair make their way down the stairs towards the exit.

The bitter winds of Chicago’s winter season meet them eagerly as the pair exit the district. Hailey isn’t sure how it happens, but they end up nearly shoulder to shoulder as they walk down the sidewalk towards the parking lot. Each time they almost brush against one another she feels a rush of heat move through her body from the proximity alone. Trying to ignore her feelings was proving to be more and more difficult with each moment that passed between her and the man at her side.

“Beer and story-time at my place?” Jay suggests as they near the lot.

“Give me about an hour?” Hailey counters. She just needs a little bit of time to herself to try and clear her head.

“Sure. I’ll order food from that Greek place you like,” Jay says.

She smiles at him. “Sounds good. I’ll see ya in a bit.”

Jay gives her one of his grins, one that Hailey has come to realize is only ever used with her and one that should be considered illegal, and then the two go their separate ways.

XXX

Hailey’s nothing if not punctual. If she says an hour, she means an hour. So when there’s a light knock on Jay’s door thirty minutes after leaving his partner at the district, he’s a bit perplexed. He’s got a pep in his step though as he walks to the door, a grin plastered on his face, and ready to spend his night with Hailey.

“You said an hour. Food’s not here ye-,” his teasing tone fades out as he pulls open the door and he stands silent as he looks at the woman in front of him who most definitely is not his current partner.

“Hi Jay.”

“Erin.”

Every emotion a person could ever possibly feel is felt by Jay within seconds of each other as he stands in front of Erin Lindsay for the first time in almost four years. Her dark hair falls down past her shoulders in waves and she’s not dressed in some fancy pantsuit, but there’s still something about the way she stands with her hands clasped together in front of her that seems like she’s got things all figured out now.

All he can do is stare at the woman in front of him, as if he’s just seen a ghost. And maybe he has, as memories of their days spent together, both professionally and privately, overload his brain. It causes him to grip the door handle so tight his knuckles turn white.

“What are you doing here?” He finally gets out.

She shrugs her shoulders. “I’m here for work. Heard you went and got yourself shot again.”

Jay rolls his eyes. “Hank tell ya that?”

Erin raises her eyebrows at him then and finds herself smirking at him. “First name basis with him now, eh?”

“You’re a little late. It’s been a few weeks since the shooting,” he says, ignoring her comment. His voice is strong and curt, the complete opposite of what it’d been mere moments before when he thought it was Hailey at his door.

“I was deep in a case. I didn’t know until about an hour ago when I talked to Hank on the phone,” she explains.

He just shakes his head at her. “Doesn’t answer my question. What are you doing here, Erin?”

“He told me how bad it was. I was in town and I wanted to know that you were okay. Can I come in? Please?”

Jay stares at her for a moment, wanting to say no, but something inside of him doesn’t let him get the word out despite the whisper of a voice in the back of his head telling him it was a mistake. He lets out a long sigh and steps aside instead, opens the door fully, and allows her to enter. He closes the door behind her after she steps inside and the two of them stand across from each other in his living room. Jay leans back onto the top of his couch, his arm still in the sling and his other hand shoved into the pocket of his jeans while Erin stands off to the side with her hands in her jacket now.

“What could you possibly have to say to me after all this time that a phone call couldn’t do?”

“I know how I left things Jay. I know I hurt you and I know I’m probably an idiot for showing up like this after everything we’ve been through. I just wanted to see you and make sure you were okay.”

Jay scoffs at her, shaking his head. “After everything that happened? You mean when you left without saying a word to me or to anyone besides Hank? Or do you mean when I texted and called and left a dozen messages, and you didn’t have the decency to respond to a single one to let me know you were at least okay?”

The combination of the last few years of keeping it all locked up inside of him, then unloading it during therapy, and now seeing her in front of him like nothing ever happened pushes him over the edge. She really showed up, expecting years of anger and hurt and pain to be swept under the rug as if her leaving hadn’t destroyed him for a period of time.

Erin just stares back at him and doesn’t speak. Hearing the anger in his voice and seeing the pain of what she’d left behind in his eyes wasn’t something she had prepared herself for on her way over to his apartment. She takes in the lingering stain of almost healed bruises on his skin, the sling in which his arm rests. She’s beginning to think this was nothing, but a mistake. That the look in his eyes now is going to be another memory that haunts her.

Erin pulls her hands out of her pockets and takes a step forward. She doesn’t touch him, she won’t, but she needs to be closer to him, needs him to hear her words and look him directly in the eyes when she says them.  

“I’m sorry, Jay.”

His eyes immediately close as he hears the words come out of her mouth. He hadn’t realized all this time that he was waiting for something from her. An explanation. An apology. Some sort of something that would make him feel some sort of relief or closure. Anything.

He opens his eyes a moment later when there’s another knock at his door and he thanks the heavens or the universe or whatever it is for the interruption.

He lets out a deep sigh as he walks to the door and when he pulls it open, he feels both relieved and panicked when he sees Hailey standing in front of him. It takes all of two seconds for her eyes to meet his and for a grin to appear on her face when she sees him. And then another two seconds later, her eyes find Erin standing behind him and her smile is gone. She glances between them, noticing the obvious tension that hangs in the air around them all now.

“Erin,” Hailey breathes out.

Erin offers a smile and a small wave. “Hey Hailey. Long time no see.”

“Yeah, it‘s been a minute. How ya been?” Hailey asks. It’s a poor attempt to be polite and make small talk, but she’s not dumb. She knows what she’s just walked in on and all she wants to do now is to turn around and leave and return home.

Erin shrugs. “Busy. Work has been crazy.”

Hailey nods then, not saying anything else and not wanting to continue the conversation. She knows exactly who Erin had been to Jay at one point, and seeing the woman who caused him so much pain and heartache causes Hailey to immediately be defensive and cautious.

“So um, rain check then? We’ll catch up another time,” Hailey says a second later, looking at Jay.

That was the last thing Jay wanted, but he nods anyway. He can tell she’s uncomfortable and he can’t exactly blame her. He’s not so comfortable himself.

“Sure. I’ll see you tomorrow,” he tells her.

Erin watches the two, a small knowing smile appearing on her face. She watches Jay as he watches Hailey, his eyes following the blonde as she walks away from him and down the hallway. The look on his face tells Erin everything she needs to know.

Jay only closes his apartment door when he hears the elevator doors chime open and sees Hailey step inside the elevator car. He turns back to Erin, running his free hand over the back of his head, while she leans against the back of his couch now with her arms crossed in front of her.

“How long has that been going on?”

He quirks an eyebrow at her. “How long has what been going on?"

Erin nods to the door, a smirk on her face now. “You and Hailey.”

“There’s nothing going on there. We’re just partners,” Jay tells her.

Erin nods, but the smirk doesn’t leave her face and despite everything, Jay still knows her well enough to know she isn’t gonna let it go. “You and I were just partners at one point too, ya know? We may not be in each other’s lives anymore, but I can still tell when you’re lying.”

“How long you in town for?” He asks her, ignoring her words.

She’s still smirking, but lets him deflect. “I head back to New York tomorrow afternoon.”

“You should go and see Voight before you leave. I’m sure he’d like to see you,” he tells her.

Erin nods, but doesn’t move. “You’re good, right? You’re okay?”

He knows she’s not only asking about the shooting, but everything else. His PTSD, his past, his life.

“I’m good Erin. I’m really good,” he assures her with a smile.

Erin nods again, looking down at the floor. When she raises her eyes back to his again he sees the tears and a look of realization in them.

“We won’t ever be friends again, will we?” Erin asks even though she already knows the answer.

“I don’t think we were ever really friends, Erin. Not really. You never let me in. I mean, really let me in. And I know I didn’t do the same with you either. Especially near the end. We both said and did things back then. We just didn’t work,” he says.

There is a sense of relief that overwhelms his senses as he says the words out loud, like he’s been needing to say them to her. And they sting like a slap to the face, but Erin gets it. She can’t hold any of it against him because he’s right. Things had been messy between them, to put it lightly. They both had their issues, together and apart, and they’d never quite learned how to deal with things. She knows he isn’t being vicious. He’s just being honest. He’s just being Jay.

“I wish things had been different for us. If I could go back and do it again, I would do it right,” Erin tells him, her voice sincere as she stands up straight and takes a step toward him.

“Can I at least hug you goodbye? We didn’t get that the last time I left,” she says quietly.

Jay nods and reaches for her with his good arm, wrapping it around her shoulders while Erin’s snake around his waist, careful of his sling. He gives her a squeeze and she does the same before the two separate, and Erin makes her way to the door. She pulls it open, but then turns around to face him one last time.

“If she doesn’t already know, you should tell Hailey how you feel,” Erin tells him.

He doesn’t try to play it off this time. He knows he’s been found out and he doesn’t have the energy to try and lie about it anymore, so he just shrugs.

“Not sure getting involved with another partner is the smartest idea. Didn’t work out so well last time,” Jay says. He makes a bad joke, a jab at them, and it’s a lame attempt to downplay his feelings and the conversation at hand, and Erin just rolls her eyes at him.

“Look, you can lie to me all you want, but don’t lie to yourself. You should tell her Jay. I can see she feels the same.”

She gives him one last smile and then she’s gone. And he’s left with the closure he never got from her before, but also with more questions than ever plaguing his mind now.

Jay makes his way to his sofa, plops down, and leans his head back against the cushions. There’s another knock on his door and he curses as he stands. It’s the delivery guy with the food he had ordered earlier. He pays the delivery guy and closes his door, looking down at the bag in his hand for barely a moment before a smile appears on his face. He’s exhausted and his shoulder is throbbing in discomfort, but he realizes right then there’s only one place else he’d rather be.

XXX

Hailey’s head is reeling by the time she gets back to her place. She kicks her shoes off as soon as she walks through her front door and then goes straight to the kitchen to grab a bottle of whiskey and a glass. She’s still in disbelief and shock that Erin had shown up out of the blue. A part of her feeling angry, annoyed, but mostly she’s just confused and curious.

Why had she come back? And why now, years later? Did she want Jay back? Did he want her back? Too many questions were clouding her head and she needed them to disappear immediately.

She pours herself a glass of whiskey and knocks it back quickly, enjoying the momentary burn as it slips down her throat.

She’s not sure how much time passes between knocking back her first drink and now sipping on her third, when a loud knock sounds at her door. She groans out, slightly annoyed, thinking it must be Vanessa. Her roommate was quick as a whip and damn good police, but the younger officer had a bad habit of forgetting her keys.

Hailey makes her way to the door, shuffling her socked feet against the hardwood floors and pulls the door open hastily. She doesn’t expect to see her partner standing on the other side and takes a small step back in surprise.

“Hi,” Jay says to her with a shy smile on his face.  

“Hi,” Hailey breathes out.

Jay doesn’t miss the way her voice seems to crack with just one word. Her eyes are glassy, but he can’t tell if she’s been crying or drinking, or both. He nods down to the bag of take out and beer in his good hand.

“Too soon for that rain check?” He asks her with a smirk now.

Hailey offers him a small smile and pulls the door open further, taking another step back so Jay can step inside. She closes the door behind him and leads him through the kitchen. He clocks the bottle of amber liquid on the counter as he follows Hailey to the living room, and then the two sit down on the couch.

“Whiskey huh?” He asks, pointing a thumb over his shoulder towards the kitchen with a slight smirk on his face.

“Yeah, I was thirsty,” Hailey claps back with a smirk of her own.

Jay shakes his head at her before reaching for the bag of food. He pulls out several containers, handing Hailey’s food over to her, and the two dig in.

They eat in silence, stealing glances from the other every so often. Jay can tell something is off with his partner and he’s certain it has to do with the fact that she’d seen Erin in his apartment not even an hour ago. He can also tell she’s keeping her distance from him. Had it been any other time they’d be sat together knee to knee, eating their food, knocking back beers, and griping over some sporting event playing on television. Instead, Hailey sits with her legs crossed like a pretzel, keeping space between them, as she stays as close to the end of her couch as she can.

What he can’t gather is why she’s so distant with him. And then he remembers Erin’s words from earlier.

“I can see she feels the same...”

Did Hailey feel something for him? Something more than normal partners should feel for one another? She couldn’t think anything happened with Erin, did she? Not after all this time. Not after everything the two of them had been through together.

Jay knew this was new territory for them. They’d never crossed this line before. The line of professionalism and friendship. But looking at her now, Jay was sure there was never a time before tonight that he’d felt so awkward around Hailey. That he couldn’t get a solid read on her and it was killing him.  

“You okay?” He finally asks after they finish eating. He turns his head to look at her and leans against her couch with his arms spread out over the back.

“I’m fine. Guess I just didn’t think I’d see you again tonight,” Hailey tells him as she takes a pull from her beer.

“How come?” Jay presses.

Hailey raises an eyebrow at him, silently asking if he was serious, and he just shrugs making her laugh. The sound alone makes him smile. Despite whatever was or wasn’t happening between them, he could at least still make her laugh.

“Yeah, I wasn’t expecting that to happen. I thought it was you knocking on my door,” Jay says, reaching for his own beer.

“What did she want?” Hailey asks, unable to help herself.

“See how I was doing. Apologize. She’s here for work and Voight mentioned the shooting. I don’t know. Guilty conscience, I guess.”

“And how do you feel about that? Her being back, I mean.”

He takes a deep breath, letting out a long sigh.

“She’s not back. She’s leaving tomorrow.”

“And you’re okay with that?” Hailey pushes.

“Why wouldn’t I be?” Jay counters.

Hailey shrugs. “Lot of history there.”

“I feel like there’s too much history, but there’s also nothing left between me and Erin. There are no feelings there whatsoever. I’ve moved on,” Jay tells her.

Hailey nods slowly, taking another sip of her beer and taking in his words as she looks down into her lap. She starts fiddling with the label on her beer bottle, needing to busy herself with anything other than looking in his eyes. A part of her is nervous at what she might find in those green eyes she had come to enjoy looking into so much. Maybe lies, or worse, truth.

“Hailey.”

How was it possible to both love and hate the way his voice sounded saying her name?

She takes a quick breath and looks up, meeting his eyes. Green. Smiling. Honest.

“Yeah,” she breathes out.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah, just tired,” she says as she runs her free hand through her hair.

Jay shakes his head at her. “Tell me what’s really going on in that head of yours.”

He needs her to tell him. He’s practically begging her with his eyes, but Hailey just shakes her own head at him then and stands from the couch.

“I really am tired. Maybe we should call it a night. It’s been a long day for both of us. Thanks for stopping by and for dinner, but I just wanna go to bed.”

He realizes she isn’t exactly asking for him to leave, but rather telling him as she carries her beer and grabs their empty food containers, and then makes her way to the kitchen. He lets out a deep sigh before he gets up from the couch and follows her. Her back is facing him as she puts her glass from earlier in the sink and stores the whiskey away in a cabinet.

Before he realizes what he’s doing, Jay walks up behind her and reaches a hand towards her. He feels her body go rigid the second his hand lands on her waist, and then he hears the deep breath she takes.

It’s the first time they’ve touched one another in such an intimate way that wasn’t case related or him comforting her or shielding them from flying bullets in a surveillance van. It was just them.

He pulls at her side, forcing her to turn around and his heart aches at the sight of her blue eyes. Erin was right. Hailey does feel something for him. It’s splayed out all over her face and the tears in the corners of her eyes.

“Do you really want me to leave?” He asks. His voice is so quiet he’s not sure she even hears him.

He watches as she sucks in another breath and then shakes her head slowly, almost hesitantly. He feels his fingers twitch at her waist and he takes another small step closer towards her so they’re nearly chest to chest. His arm is around her now, his hand on her lower back.

“Can I stay?”

All she can do is nod her head. And then she reaches around her back for his hand and leads him up the stairs to her bedroom. They don’t say another word to each other. When they reach her room, Hailey releases his hand and grabs a pair of pajama shorts and a t-shirt from her dresser, then disappears into the bathroom. Jay slips the sling from his shoulder to remove his sweatshirt before carefully sliding the contraption back on over his t-shirt. He kicks off his jeans then as Hailey enters the bedroom again.

Her eyes linger on him for a moment as he stands in the middle of her bedroom in just a t-shirt and boxers. She gives him a shy smile and then nods to the bed. She takes the left side; he takes the right. And it feels so natural, like it’s not at all the first time they’re about to share a bed together.

They lay next to one another, ample space between them under the covers because he is still a gentleman and doesn’t want to overstep with her. He hears her blow out a deep breath next to him, and he turns his head slightly to look at her. There’s just enough light steaming in through her bedroom windows from the streetlights outside that he can make out the profile of her face, the angle of her jawline, and how she’s got her bottom lip pulled between her teeth.

The awkward tension from earlier still somewhat lingers, but there’s a strange sense of comfortability around them now too. Because no matter what happens they’re still just Hailey and Jay. They’re still them. And before he can think twice he’s reaching his hand out under the covers to find hers. The sudden contact of his skin and the squeeze of his fingers against hers makes her jump and she turns her head to seek out his eyes in the slight darkness.

There’s a strange look on his face, one that she has seen before, but has tried to ignore. The look that tells her he feels it between them too, even though neither have admitted it or said anything out loud yet.

“You’re my best friend. You know that right?” He asks her then. His voice is deep and quiet, and he squeezes her hand again.

Hailey nods, realizing she’s been staring at him in silence this whole time before she says, “you’re my best friend, too.”

Jay squeezes her fingers once more and it’s quiet again as they lay side by side in her bed. He can feel it in the silence though. He can feel it in the slow brush of her thumb moving back and forth over the top of his hand. He can feel it in the way her eyes stare back at him.

There’s something palpable between them. Undeniable. It’s in everything they do and don’t do, everything they say and don’t say. They both know it, but say nothing else as they drift closer together in Hailey’s bed, not letting go of one another’s hand.

They don’t need to say anything because they know it’s just a matter of time before things change again for them. Until they finally break from their stubbornness and trepidation and insecurities that have stemmed from their broken pasts. They know this thing between them is inevitable.

[btsqualityy]

Scripted: Part 17

Namjoon x Reader; Jimin x Reader

Genre: Angst, fluff, President!Namjoon, Head of Security!Jimin

Warnings: (Reluctant) open relationship, mentions of cheating

Nine days. Nine days had passed without so much as a peep coming from Namjoon’s lips. There had been no change in his condition, for better or for worse, so it had literally turned into a massive waiting game for you and the citizens of South Korea. 

A majority of citizens were very much up in arms over the attempted assassination of their believed President. Many of them loved Namjoon for how insightful, progressive, and determined he was and it hurt their hearts to see some vile person try to cut that down. On the other hand though, there was a decent amount of the population who believed that Namjoon was a conceited asshole who needed this “reality check”; those are the people that you hoped would burn in Hell, right along with the dickheads who had tried to kill Namjoon.

Speaking of the killers, the last that you’d heard was that there were three possible suspects and that the special team that had been assembled just to find the conspirators were digging into that further. You couldn’t say that the news necessarily made you feel better, but it did ease the pain a little bit. 

As for you, you had been keeping consistent at Namjoon’s bedside the entire time that he had been unconscious. You’d leave sometimes, when Jimin managed to convince you that you needed to sleep in an actual bed or eat a full, regular meal, but that was only for a few hours at most and never overnight. Deep down, you knew that you probably should’ve been taking better care of yourself, but you just couldn’t bring yourself to leave Namjoon in that hospital room alone. 

As you were sat in your chair that was placed next to Namjoon’s bed, you were interrupted in the middle of reading a magazine by a knock on the door. As you lowered the magazine down onto your lap and looked over your shoulder, you saw Yoongi stepping inside. 

“Hey hey,” he called and you set the magazine aside before standing up, giving him a tight hug after he walked over to you. He pressed a quick kiss to your cheek before pulling away, and you motioned for him to sit down in the empty chair that was next to yours.

“How is he?” Yoongi wondered and you sighed dejectedly.

“Still no change,” you told him. “The doctors said that some of the swelling that he was having has gone down, but we’re not sure if that’s a sign of recovery or not yet.”

“Dammit,” Yoongi huffed, shaking his head.

“How are things at the National Assembly Building?” You asked and Yoongi rolled his eyes. 

“It’s almost as if those old bastards were waiting for something to happen to him,” Yoongi spat as he motioned to Namjoon with his chin. “They’re already trying to undo the Farmer bailout plan that he introduced a few weeks ago.”

“Seriously?” 

“Seriously,” Yoongi nodded. “You know that they’ve always hated him.”

“Yeah I do, but I never thought it was that bad,” you grimaced.

“Us being young, open minded men who are more concerned with the lives of the citizens than we are with lining our own pockets will always bother them,” Yoongi explained. “The only reason that I haven’t let them have it yet is because I don’t wanna undo all of Joon’s handwork and I don’t want things to be harder for him whenever he does wake up.”

“I appreciate it Yoongi, and I know he does too,” you smiled softly. “Speaking of that though, anymore word on those suspects?”

“Oh yeah, that’s what I came here to tell you actually,” Yoongi gasped, remembering what he had wanted to tell you. Just before he could start talking though, you heard a raspy voice call out to you.

“Y/N-ah?” You whipped your head to the side, your eyes widening when you saw Namjoon’s head turned towards you and his eyes wide open. You sprung out of your chair, moving to sit on the edge of the hospital bed as you gently picked up one of his hands. 

“Oh my gosh, you’re up,” you smiled, trying to keep the tears from welling up and spilling over onto your cheeks. “Are you in any overwhelming pain?”

“Here,” he croaked, his other hand that you weren’t holding motioning towards his abdomen. You nodded and then looked over your shoulder at Yoongi. 

“Can you go get the doctor please?” You requested and Yoongi nodded, standing up from his chair and speed walking out of the room. You then turned back to Namjoon, reaching up and running your fingers through his slightly greasy hair. 

“I’m so happy that you’re awake,” you whispered to him. Before he could reply, the door burst open and Namjoon’s doctor was walking inside of the room followed by Yoongi. 

“Mr. President,” Dr. Song grinned, reaching up and removing the stethoscope from around his neck. “We’re very happy to see that you’re conscious again.”

“T-thank y-yo-,” Namjoon tried to say before coughing violently. You furrowed your brows while Dr. Song set the stethoscope on Namjoon’s chest, listening to his breathing. 

“First Lady Kim, do you want to get him some water?” Dr. Song asked. “His throat is probably really dry after 9 days.” You nodded and stood up from the bed, moving over to the side table where there was a pitcher of water and paper cups, grabbing one and filling it up before going back to the bed. Dr. Song had pressed the button on the hospital bed so that the top half of Namjoon’s body rose, making it so that he was sitting up.

“Here, slow sips,” you encouraged him, holding the cup up to his lips and watching as he took small drinks from it. After he had downed about two thirds of the cup, you pulled it away and set it on the side table.

“Better?” Dr. Song asked and Namjoon nodded slowly.

“Lots,” he replied clearly. 

“Do you remember what happened?” Dr. Song wondered.

“I was...shot, right?” Namjoon said and both you and Dr. Song nodded. “Was anyone else hurt?”

“I was alright, but Momo, Jungkook, and Taehyung all got hit in the crossfire,” you revealed and his eyes got noticeably larger. “They’re all ok though, don’t worry.”

“Thank God,” Namjoon huffed, a sharp exhale escaping his throat right after and you figured that his chest must be hurting. 

“We’re gonna do some more testing and xrays on you, to see if there’s any pressing issues that we need to take care of,” Dr. Song spoke up. “I’ll leave you guys to talk in the meantime though.” Dr. Song bowed deeply to Namjoon before turning and walking out of the room. 

“You have some timing, you know that?” Yoongi chuckled as he moved closer to the bed.

“You’ve been handling things in my absence?” Namjoon asked and Yoongi nodded. “I know the old geezers have been giving you hell, huh?”

“You don’t even know,” Yoongi groaned, making Namjoon chuckle deeply which then set off another round of coughing. 

“Relax,” you admonished him, making Namjoon nod before he leaned back against the bed. 

“So, did you catch the fucking bastards yet?” Namjoon wondered.

“That’s actually what I was about to talk to Y/N-ah about before you woke up,” Yoongi smiled. “We found the people responsible.”

“So those three were guilty?” You said.

“Yep,” Yoongi confirmed. “They claim to have done it because they believe that Joon is ruining the great country that South Korea is with his progressive ideals, and all that other bullshit.”

“We’re sure those old geezers in Assembly didn’t have anything to do with it, because that sounds like them?” Namjoon pointed out and you couldn’t help but to laugh softly.

“We’re sure,” Yoongi laughed. “The three who did it are in custody now and waiting for their arraignment.”

“Good, I hope they burn in hell,” Namjoon spat and you just shook your head at how much he sounded exactly like you did.

................................

Later that night, after Namjoon had gotten more tests and xrays done, he was back in his hospital room. The doctor found that the bullets had done some pretty bad damage to his chest cavity so he’d have to have another surgery soon in order to take care of that. 

“Would you stop fawning over me?” Namjoon chuckled, watching as you made sure that his blanket was tucked over his feet. “I’m fine.”

“You’re not fine,” you told him absentmindedly, moving up towards the top of the bed in order to fix his pillows behind his head. “Just because you woke up, doesn’t mean that you’re fine.”

“I’m alive, aren’t I?” He pointed out and you looked down at him, sighing heavily.  

“Yeah, but there were a lot of times over the last nine days that I thought that was going to change at any moment,” you admitted, dropping down so that you were sat on the edge of the hospital bed. “As much as I wanted you to be ok, the constant image of you falling down those steps with your chest bleeding replaying in my head made it hard to believe that you’d ever wake up. I think that’s why I didn’t want to leave your side once you were out of surgery.”

“You stayed here with me the entire time?” He questioned and you hummed in affirmation. “You know, when I was unconscious, I had dreams.”

“Really?” You said in surprise. 

“Well, I’m not sure if they would be considered dreams in the conventional sense, but that’s what they felt like,” he explained. “I dreamed about a lot of things, but mostly you.”

“Me?” You squeaked. 

“Yeah. I dreamed about how we first met, and our wedding day, and the day that we found out that you were pregnant,” he said and you smiled sadly. 

“You almost fainted in our bathroom when you saw those two lines,” you laughed at the memory. 

“Can you blame me for being terrified?” He huffed playfully. “I didn’t want to be the kind of father that my dad was to me, to our child so I was scared shitless.”

“You wouldn’t have been like your father,” you assured him. “You couldn’t have been that bad even if you tried your hardest to be.”

“I had a lot of dreams about that too,” he said before elaborating. “About me and my dad and our relationship.”

“And how was that?”

“Let’s just say that a lot of the things that he’s talked me into over the years, were more for his benefit rather than mines,” Namjoon summed up and you nodded because you had always known that. 

“I’m sorry,” you told him. “I know you’ve always had mixed emotions towards your dad.”

“Yeah,” he sighed before looking at you. “Can I tell you something? And you don’t have to give me an answer but I’d like for you to think about it.”

“Sure,” you shrugged. 

“I remember that you asked for a divorce before we got out of the limo that night,” Namjoon started. “Do you still want that?”

“Joon, with everything going on, I haven’t even thought about that,” you replied honestly.

“But you’re with Jimin, right?” He asked and you hesitated for a few seconds before nodding. “Well, I hope that you’ll still maybe consider me.”

“Huh?” You grunted in confusion. 

“That night, I just gave up and agreed to the divorce because I didn’t want to hurt you anymore than I already have,” he explained. “But in one of the dreams I had, I realized that I owe it to myself and to you to fight for what we have because we were good before all of this shit happened. I know that I’ve been the literal worst husband ever for the last eight months and despite whatever reasons that I thought justified that, it doesn’t make anything that I did right.”

“So what exactly are you saying?” You asked for clarification.

“I’m saying, that I’m going to fight for you Kim Y/N, because I love you and I’ve never stopped,” he declared firmly. “I’ll go to counseling, both on my own and with you, so that we could work on our issues if that’s something that you’d in interested in. And I ‘d do whatever else it takes to win you back.”

“It doesn’t just work like that though, Joon,” you told him weakly.

“I know and if you decide here and now that you wanna stay with Jimin and go ahead with the divorce, then I’m not gonna make it hard for you and that’s a promise,” he assured you. “But I’m also not gonna stand idly by without at least trying.” You just stared at him, wondering why the hell it had taken this version of Namjoon, the version that you had fallen in love with all those years ago in college, to show up. 

Instead of giving him an outright answer either way, you just leaned forward and pressed your lips against his forehead, letting your lips linger on his skin for a few seconds before pulling away from him. 

................................

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[justanotheronechicagofan]

Previous Chapter 

10. Elephants 

series summary - Will the Halstead brothers be able to reconnect with their sister after 5 years? chapter summary - the Halstead reunion continues Madeline Halstead (oc), Will Halstead, Jay Halstead, Mouse [mentioned]  TW - pregnancy related death 

series masterlist  | main masterlist

Madeline basked in the warmth, feeling her roots revitalising as their chatter enveloped her, a sense of tribe, a much missed shield. Still, It seeped in corroding the cocoon.

It. An unwanted guest - never leaving, always looming. Ready to creep, sprinkling in doubt, threatening to ruin… well, anything. They won’t like them. A decorated hero turned detective and a doctor. They like boxes, they like lines, they like nor-

“Babe, just tell them already!” she could hear Jess’ laughter. Angelic against Its coils.“You’ve got this! They all love them, what’s different this time?”

But what if they don’t Jess? What if they lea-

"-addie, you okay?"

"Yeah, sorry" The brothers watched Madeline flash a smile. They didn't miss her tenseness, the way she clasped her trembling hands onto her teacup. The siblings were glad at the more smoother than expected reunion but they all knew of the certain elephants they couldn’t ignore. They decided to ride out the silence. 

Finally, she broke the quiet. “I uh- I need to tell you guys something. Something important” That phrase paired with her expression would have warranted teasing from the brothers followed by Madeline's bursts of laughter. Something related to getting seconds of ice cream or wanting a second dog perhaps. But this wasn't 5 years ago. 

Madeline bore into them, searching as if their eyes laid a hint of what their reactions would be. Both brothers tried for a reassuring smile, hoping to pass this sudden test she had put them on. Jay hadn't felt this level of nervousness, if ever - which was saying something considering he sat across from _the worst _of what Chicago had to offer everyday - he felt as if she didn't like what she found, there would be another five years lost. 

When she seemed satisfied, Madeline spoke, “Jay- you’ve met but uh I don’t think I introduced him. Not officially anyway. And Will, you haven’t met yet but,” she took a deep breath and beamed, “I have a son. His name is Nathan, Nate … He’s 3 and I love him, more than anything in the world. I know- sounds corny but it’s true” Her expression was undeniable.

Will was elated. He had heard from Jay that night when the detective had stumbled into his apartment - “Will, she was right there. And there’s this kid, the cutest kid man. He called her mama… Fuck - Will, she had a kid and we weren’t there” - still, he could count the times he had been this happy. The brothers knew that after half a decade apart, it would be a gamble if their little sister would want them to be in her life let alone her family’s. Will hoped that her telling them was a good sign - maybe some sort of invitation that would lead to him becoming an uncle… He realised he had just been sitting there - smiling like an idiot - and rushed to congratulate but was stopped by Madeline's shake of her head.

"Please. J-just let me- I need to tell you this" Madeline breathed out, her eyes dripping with something they couldn't quite place. 

Jay recognised the mint green envelope that she pulled out of her purse. She opened it and laid out a photograph on the table, her movements so careful as if the slightest jolt would would make it evaporate. 

They immediately recognised Madeline - younger and thinner - sat on a sofa, mid laughter with a young woman in the middle. The woman reflecting Madeline (who Jay guessed was in her early 20's at most) had blonde hair, glowing skin and a growing bump to match. She was snuggled against a similarly aged man with dark brown skin who lovingly gazed at her as he held her close.

"Danny took this one, it's one of my favourites," her eyes crinkled at the memory. "That's Ty and Jess - they're family y'know. Really helped me out" 

Jay recognised that look even through her misting eyes - it was one he had seen many times before - the look Nadia and Erin had when they had talked about each other. 

Madeline continued, "Jess and I - we were so close, like sisters. And people used to think we were cause of our eyes," she shared a wistful smile, pausing as her baby pink nails traced the edges of the photograph. 

Jay furrowed his eyebrows at the past tense - were they no longer friends? did this 'Ty' have something to do with it? had this ‘Jess’ just upped and left? 

When she looked up, her eyes were filled with pride, "Nate ... he was a preemie, nearly 2 months early. But healthy considering - 4 lbs, 6oz." 

A smile touched the brothers' eyes as they imagined their little sister, a part of that precious moment. But it faded away at her features starting to cloud. 

"But Jess-," Madeline started as if on rote, her agony seeping through her blankness, "-she had complications and they took her for an emergency c section-” 

Jay recognised that look as she trailed off. It was one he was all too familiar with - the one he couldn’t hide. Hoping to be the anchor Will and now Hailey were, Jay shifted closer to her where she was fiddling with her bracelet.  

Madeline jerked, blinking herself back to the banquette. She took a shaky breath and continued, "Before they took her, I was so scared y’know?” Jay couldn’t take his little sister’s gaze as it crushed his spirit.

Her eyes empty, she shared a hollow laugh, “But she was laughing … told me to chill out, that she'd be back with Nate before I knew it-” She braved a tight smile, hoping to smother the pain. Knowing it never did. It didn’t matter that every syllable had been rehearsed, imprinted in her mind - Madeline always wished she could pause at Jess, beaming before they wheeled her away, before they- 

The brothers held a breath as they realised where this was heading. Will had seen one too many of these cases even working in the ED. The ones where what should be a happy occasion would turn into one of much grief - the ones where more often than not, they couldn’t give answers. 

“They said she lost too much blood- t-that there was nothing they could do.”

“Jess- she never got to hold him” 

They saw the blame laced with confusion. The waves of emotions she had fought to surf, the numbers of tears she had shed, the days she had clung onto to arrive at this exact place with her grief. They saw it all. They knew the power of the nightmare those two sentences held. It was too great. 

Will found himself thanking God in that moment. He didn’t know what to feel about that. Or in fact any of it. Guilty for being thankful that it had been the friend that was struck with the ultimate misfortune? Or was it because he let this happen to her, his little sister in the first place? Maybe it was both. Or was it relief? None of that changes anything. He could hear in the back of his mind. None of that changes the fact that you failed her.

Jay didn’t know what to say. Having done one too many notifications and witnessed the tragedy that came with the job, he knew. That no apology would be enough. Probably better than none though he thought. But everything about one just sounded phoney. Because in the end, it wouldn’t change the fact that he hadn’t been there. That he had failed her. All he could bring himself to say was,

“What’s he like?” 

“Nate? He has Ty’s eyes y’know. So Much life in them. And he has this laugh … you have to hear him, it’s just like Jess’ - it lightens everything. Oh and he’s silly and hilarious, just like his Dad … has the biggest heart … he’s just amazing.” 

You have to meet him, I want you to. She wanted to say. Madeline didn’t know why she felt as if she had to make an appeal of Nate. You’ve done this before - why all this now? she thought. But she knew, that this was different. Because this was Jay and Will. 

As he listened to Madeline beam about her son, Jay couldn’t help but replay the all too short meeting he had at her porch that day. And before he could swallow it back, it slipped out, 

“Can we meet him?” Shit. That was way too soon. 

But his growing doubt came to a halt as soon as Madeline’s features lit up. “Y-Yeah? For real? You want to?” 

“Maddie, heck yeah! Of course we do” The brothers’ reply didn’t do justice for how truly, undeniably happy they were. 

See? Told ya Madeline heard Jess’ smile. She breathed again,_ It_ silenced. Madeline couldn’t put a word to it but it felt great, something like relief and ecstasy rolled into one. But she wasn’t done yet. She still had another brother to ask about … 

"And Mousey?” 

Will gave a cautious glance, knowing how much it hurt his little brother to see his best friend go. 

Jay chuckled at that nickname. He hadn’t heard that one in a while, “He went back about 2 years ago, comms specialist”

“Really?" 

“Mmhh. Do you remember the sergeant we used to tell you about? Well, he put a unit together and he reached out to Mouse” Jay smiled, proud. 

With the same admiration as when she was little, Madeline spoke, “Seriously? That’s awesome! That unit’s lucky they have him. And … he’s okay?” Will noticed the look his younger siblings shared - he wondered if it had something to do with that one and only phone call he ever got from Pat while he was in New York. 

“Mads, He’s good, spoke to him about a month ago - I should probably call him again soon though” Tell him you’re finally home, safe. 

“Yeah? That’s great. Maybe I’ll join you, make it a surprise? Oh! And do you know his address? I want to send him something. Samoas and Cinnamon Crunch right? And jerky. Wait… or was that your thing?”

Jay smiled at her chatter, “No, he likes ‘em too Mads. And yeah, I’ll text you everything - Man, he is gonna freak out when he hears you.” He was surprised that Madeline had remembered those little details because even though the nightmares chased him, being overseas felt like another life ago. He guessed in a way it was. Will couldn’t help but feel a pang as he was reminded yet again of how his sister who was barely in school at the time knew more about Jay’s time with the Rangers than him. 

“Good. I missed him” she shared a sweet smile before it turned into a mischievous grin. “So?”

“Yes Madeline?” Will amused, raising his eyebrows. 

She huffed in return, “C’mon! All I know so far is that Jay’s a detective in a district with a nice sergeant and that you work in the Emergency Room in the same hospital as Connor which who kne-”

“Hang on ‘nice’? Which district did you go to?” Jay joked. There was one thing everyone agreed on at the 21st district - Trudy Platt although one of the best cops in the city, nice was not the first word that came to mind. 

“Yeah, Sergeant Platt” she stated as if it was the most obvious. 

“Pretty sure this is the first and last time I’ll ever hear Platt and nice in the same sentence - the less I have to interact with her the better.” Will dramatically shuddered before laughing with the others. 

“But seriously, stop avoiding my question.” Madeline mocked annoyance. 

Will jokingly put his hands up. “Alright, alright,” He straightened up and announced “Well Maddie, I have a girlfriend. Her name’s Natalie-”

“About damn time too. He’s been pining after her for how long? since you started there?" Jay smirked. 

“Ooooh. So she’s at Gaffney’s too? Is she a doctor? Or a nurse? What’s she like?” 

Will’s eyes crinkled at her curiosity. “Yeah, we work in the ED together - she’s a doctor too. Natalie’s great, I think you’ll like her. Hang on -” he paused, fumbling with his phone. “She can’t wait to meet you by the way.” He added before giving her his screen. 

It was a selfie taken in a park or maybe a garden. Will’s girlfriend ‘Natalie’ was white and had shoulder length brunette hair - there was something kind in her eyes as she laughed. Probably to one of Will’s Really Bad jokes… Madeline amused. She’s pretty �� I’m loving that top, maybe I’ll ask her where it’s from. Madeline chuckled at her eldest brother’s grin as he held her close. There was only one word to describe his expression - Smitten. 

When she swiped to the next picture, she was pretty sure her heart stopped. It was probably taken a few seconds after the first one and everything else was the same except from one unmissable detail. Madeline zeroed in on the toddler now in Natalie’s arms. Crap, I waited too late. Did I miss becoming an aunt?! How old is he? Maybe like two? 

Will laughed at her shocked beyond belief expression. “You’re not an aunt just yet Tiny. He’s Natalie’s son but hoping that down the road y’know …” He trailed off, giving a lopsided smile. 

“You are SO in love with her” she teased before turning her attention to … “Jay?”

“Good luck” Will laughed. “Even if there is someone, he’s not sharing - Believe me Maddie, I’ve tried.” 

“Uh-huh. Like I believe that. C'mon there's no one?” She tried again, now putting the puppy eyes on max. 

“Nope.” Jay smiled and she couldn’t tell if he was lying - she never could to be honest. Damn his Ranger training. She was about to let it go but she saw Will raise his eyebrows and take a sip of his mug.

So there is someone she smirked. 

As he looked at the row of townhouses standing impressive against the dusking sky, Jay wondered what this place was to his little sister. He had barely resisted the urge to ask the whole less than 5 minute drive to this street. The not knowing was honestly killing him but he heard his partners voice, “She’ll come home Jay.” He smiled, hugging Madeline. Guess I’ll have to follow Hails on this one too.

Watching his younger siblings hugging, Will smiled. Our family’s back. Maybe he hadn’t let himself get there but it was clear to him now how much he had craved it. He squeezed her tight, feeling that missing part of his soul starting to be found. And as he watched her walk through the gate, he made a promise right there and then - He wasn’t going to let go. Not this time.

Walking up the stone steps, Madeline couldn’t hide her grin at her body full with that warm cozy feeling. That’s got to be one of the best days ever. Replaying bits of the long awaited catch up, she chuckled at Will calling her Tiny - a nickname she almost forgot about and hated when she had turned a teen - she now realised how much she missed it. 

The brothers drove back in silence for a while and when Jay heard Will say,

“She didn’t ask about Dad.”

He nodded and stared ahead. That was an elephant he was unwilling to touch. Not yet anyway. 

                                            💙✨🦋✨💙

A/N - The characters belong to Dick Wolf and are from the One Chicago universe he created. Thank you so much for reading! This chapter was really difficult for me to write and at one point I considered deleting the whole series but I kept at it and about 4 months later here we are ;) This one touched on a really heavy topic but I hope I was able to do it justice and that you enjoyed it. I’m still not sure how I feel about it but I think this is the best I can hope for in this chapter - let me know what you think ����

[imgoingtohellsofuckit]

Hope Can’t Fix Everything pt 2

Jasper x Human! Reader

Warnings - angsty 

Summary - Jasper tries to make it right

part one 

Jasper had royally fucked up. And he knew it. He knew that he ruined his chance with his mate. One mistake would destroy the entire lifetime they were supposed to have together. Carlisle made Jasper skip the next week of school. Mostly to get him to calm down. But also to make sure nothing else happened. Progress into vegetarianism for vampires isn't exactly linear mistakes are bound to happen. Carlisle honestly was expecting for a slip up- if not from Jasper then from one of the others. However the slip up wasn't what was crushing Jasper. Sure he felt absolutely terrible for snapping on his mate but- seeing that his mate was terrified of him, disgusted by him. He was crushed. And with having to stay home and away from everyone else was just causing him to spiral.

Finally after a week Jasper went back to school. But he didn't feel any comfort. He learned from Alice and Bella that Y/n didn't tell anyone anything that happened. They kept their near death a secret. However he also learned that they were avoiding the Cullen clan as much as she can. He didn't know if them not telling was a good thing. If it meant that maybe they could talk about it- or if they just didn't know how to explain it to anyone else with out sounding crazy.

"You freak!"

"Mr. Hale," The teacher calls snapping him from replaying the memory for the millionth time. "Are you okay?"

Jasper wanted to laugh. Okay? No. He's never been okay. Not in his 100 plus years of being a vampire has he once been okay. No that is a lie. He was okay with Y/n. He finally felt like he had something in his life that made his eternal life worth something. And he scared that meaning away.

"Yes sir," Jasper says softly, "just tired."

He could feel the eyes of a couple of his classmates on him. Watching him curiously.

"I heard he and Y/n broke up," The girl behind him whispers to her friend, "apparently it was messy."

"Where did you hear that?" The friend asks.

"Everyone is talking about it," The girl says, "Mary Spencer said she saw then go up to the Lake Frisky then saw Y/n flying out of there a hour later. Apparently in such a hurry she almost hit Mary. And I haven't seen the two as much as look at each other since he got back."

"Wow," The friend says, "what do you think happened?"

"Who knows," The girl says, "Tracey Catcher thinks that Jasper is hooking up with one of his adopted sisters. The little one Alice. Maybe Y/n found out."

Jasper scoffs lightly. This is stupid. Listening to everyone talk like they know what's happening. Feeling the emotions of everyone in the room as they pry and poke into his failed attempt of a love life. He feels his own anger bubble up. Getting more and more intense as he catches more of the harsh whispers. Before he can snap the bell rings loudly. Bringing him back to his senses. He sighs slipping from the classroom to the lunchroom. He meets the others at their lunch table. However the complete lack of you in your spot at the table makes his heart ache.

"Jasper," Alice says softly as he sits down, "how are you holding up?"

He doesn't say anything. Instead his eyes search the cafeteria for his mate. Looking over the mess of kids at tables. Finally he sees them across the lunchroom. Sitting with a couple of their friends. They don't seem interested in whatever their friends are talking about. He watches them as they pick at their lunch. He wishes he could read minds and figure out what he needs to say to make this all better. But then he thinks about all things that could be on their mind. Things he couldn't handle. Your perspective of the memory.

"Jasper get out of your head," Edward says carefully.

"How about you get out of my head," Jasper says firmly.

"Jasper you need to calm down," Rose says, "getting mad at Edward while amusing, isn't going to fix your problems."

"I just- how do I even begin to fix this?" Jasper says softly, "I almost killed them. They begged me to stop to back away and I ignored them. I'm a monster."

"You sound like Edward," Emmet says laughing lightly.

"This is serious," Jasper says, "what do I even say? What do I do?"

"You need to talk to them," Alice says simply, "try to explain. Try to make them understand. Promise it won't happen again."

"And what if it does?" Jasper asks softly, "what if it happens again but you guys don't get there fast enough huh? What if I killed them?"

"Jasper you aren't thinking-" Bella says softly.

"He is," Edward says, "he thinks we all should leave."

"Oh come on we saw how that worked out with Bella," Rose says.

"It was different then," Jasper says, "Bella wanted to hang on. Y/n doesn't want to. They want normal. A average life with kids and a big house in a sunny place. I can't give that to them."

"Jas," Alice says softly.

"This is your mate," Rose says, "and you'd leave them?"

"I'd rather them be happy and alive then be with me and regret everything," Jasper says, "it's the best decision. And after what happened. I don't need to put their laugh at risk. It was stupid of me."

"You can't leave your mate," Bella says, "you love them."

"I do love them and that's why I'm making this choice," Jasper says, "I can't trust myself not to hurt them. It's not your decision it's mine. And I've made my mind up. We're leaving. Carlisle is already preparing for us to leave."

"You're making a mistake-"

"Maybe I am," Jas says, "but if it saves their life... I don't really care."

No one else could argue. Because at the end of the day... They believed he was right. None of them think he'd ever hurt his mate on purpose but... on accident. Another incident like the last one. It's possible and sure leaving his mate hurts but watching them die. Know he caused it. That would be a whole other level of pain. He wouldn't be able to live like that. So the Cullens decided to move again. As they were preparing the move Jasper was sneaking every last glance at you. Trying to memorize their body, their scent. Everything about them. If he has to leave he wants to prepare to severe the ties. Not that it was hard. Y/n wanted nothing to do with him. Swapping seats, ignoring his texts. Not sparing him even so much as a passing glance.

'It's for the better' Jasper reminds himself. If he disappears like this- when they already clearly doesn't want him around them then it won't hurt them. It won't break them like leaving broke Bella. They won't try to do anything to bring Jasper back. They'll let the relationship fade into nothing but memories. Just like it needs to.

After a couple days they had everything packed. Loaded up and ready to go. Esme and Carlisle had went ahead to get everything ready at the newest house. Everyone else was getting ready to leave. However they remained with Jasper as he stalls. His focus on a box full of things.

"Are you ready?" Alice asks Jasper. The blond looks down at the picture of him and his mate. He bites his lip lightly. No. He doesn't want to leave. He wants to pull his mate into his arms and hold them until the end. He doesn't want to run away.

"I want a minute," He says softly, "ya know to collect my thoughts."

"Okay," Alice says, "we'll be on our way then. Come on guys." Rose and Emmet leave with her. However Bella stays back for a second.

"Jasper," She says softly, "you know they deserve closure for all this."

"The closure is me leaving," Jasper says, "I can't hurt them if I'm not here."

"Whatever," Bella says, "I can't make you do this right. Come on Edward."

The two join the other vampires starting to pack into their cars. The go, leaving Jasper alone in the empty house. He sighs as he stares into the box of his things from his relationship. Pictures, mementos from dates, things she'd give him. He felt guilty. He felt like the world was punishing him for his past sins. As if Y/n being his mate was a cruel joke fate was playing on him. Give him the most amazing soulmate then just- make him not able to be with them. Not trust himself to protect them. To save them from himself. Hw wants to trust his hope. That maybe somehow someway he'd see them again. And they'd be able to be happy. He wants to hope for that future. But fate would never let him have it.

"So the rumors are true?" He hears a soft voice asks. He looks away from the box and turns to see his mate. His eyes widen. This can't be real. There is no way they are actually here. But it looks so real. His mate. His love. Right there. So close he could touch them. He wants to. He wants to take their hand and pull them into a soft kiss. But he knows that will only make it more painful. "You're really moving away and you aren't even saying goodbye."

"Carlisle got a new job," He lies, "a town needing doctors..."

"Bella told me you were leaving because of me," They say softly making whatever his lie was going to be pointless, "said that I should come down here and talk to you before you leave."

"You didn't have to," He says, "it was a bad idea. You should go home."

"I think I deserve an explanation," They say, "I mean- I wanna know what happened at the lake."

He tenses. He didn't want to talk about it. He didn't want to go over it. He wanted to just move on. Just leave. Run away from his problems.

"It's only fair to me," They say softly, "if you get to just leave- then I get to know."

"I'm leaving so you don't need an explanation," Jas says, "I'm leaving so you can forget what happened and me."

"I don't want to forget you Jas," They say.

"Well you should," Jasper says, "I'm not good for you."

"You don't get to decide that," They say firmly, "you don't know if you're too good for me."

"Y/n I am a monster!" Jasper snaps, "I almost killed you at the lake. If my family was any later you'd be dead. If I'm around you won't be safe."

"But I'll have you," They mumble.

"That's stupid," Jasper says, "you'd risk your life to be around a monster-"

"You're not a monster," They say, "I know you Jasper you are a great guy-"

"I'm a beast," He says, "you know that. I could kill you. I can tell how you feel. And you're scared. You're afraid of me."

"I'm afraid of losing you," They say tearing up, "Jasper I love you! I want you to stay here with me. Whatever you're going through- whatever is happening to you. I want to be there for you. To support you- to ease the pain. Because I am in love with you Jasper."

He wants to pull them in his arms and never let go. But he knows that it's dangerous. That he shouldn't be allowed to be this close to them after what happened. He backs away.

"Jasper please just talk to me," They say, "what's happening?"

"I am not normal," He says, "I'm a vampire- I'm a monster. I kill people." They stay silent. "I've killed so many people. Sometimes I don't mean it. And I tried to stop. But its so strong- the hunger.  The bloodlust- When I look at you it's so painful because I won't to protect you but I also want to devour you."

"You wouldn't hurt me," They say boldly.

"I almost killed you."

"You hesitated," They point out, "and when they knocked you away you stopped."

"That means nothing," Jasper says, "who is to say that they could do that again?"

"I say they won't have to," Y/n says, "because you won't hurt me. Because I know you love me as well."

"Y/n I'm leaving tonight," He says, "there is no changing my mind."

"So you leave," They say, "fine- I wanna come with you."

"No you have a life here- you have family here," He says, "you'll get the life you want if you stay away from me-"

"The life I want is with you," They say, "Jasper don't walk away from us."

"I'm doing this for you," He says, "I doing this to keep you alive. I'm doing this because i love you so much and I want you to have everything you've always wanted." They move closer taking his hands into theirs.

"Jas-"

"I need to be stronger if I want to be with you," he says, "I need to have more control. And I will make sure I have that control and maybe if you'll still have me- then we can get together. But now? I can't risk hurting you- or losing you. So please. Please understand I'm not doing this without thinking. Because I've thought of every alternative and this is the only solution that will work."

"Jas," They whimper.

"I promise this won't be the end of us," He says, "one day- we'll find each other again."

Y/n moves pulling Jasper into a soft kiss. He moves deepening it. Making the one kiss last for all the years they won't have each other. After a while he finally breaks the kiss so his partner can breath.

"I'm sorry," He says softly.

"I love you Jasper," They say.

"I love you Y/n," He says, "we'll meet again."

He hugs them tightly. Then steps from the house climbing into his car. He'll see them again. He has hope that he'll see them again.

@whattheheckisevengoingon @treestarrrrrrrr​ @thequeendesi​

[alj4890]

Delicate

(Olivia Nevarkis x Ethan Ramsey) in a Choices The Royal Romance/Open Heart Crossover crack series.

A/N This series will go back and forth with memories and to how things are progressing for Olivia and Ethan. We will also see how Drake reacts to everything. In this chapter, Olivia is getting ready for her first date with the doctor while thoughts of the past with her friends and parents accompany her.

@jooous​ @krsnlove​  @motorcitymademadame​ e I lost my tag list for this. If you want to be tagged, let me know. 😊

Masterlist

Part 1

Olivia's Apartment, Boston...

Wiping the fog off her mirror, Olivia paused to truly examine herself. She noticed the damp red curls, ivory skin blushing from her hot shower, and the expression on her face.

Am I...am I giddy?

She leaned in closer. Her green eyes were actually shining. Not from tears. Not flashing with anger. The cause was something different.

Ethan was responsible for this transformation.

In fact, now that she thought about it, this change had been gradually happening since she met him.

Is this why Liam and Riley were willing to do whatever it took to be together? Why Maxwell has more frequent flier miles than anyone else? Why Hana beams whenever Rashad is near? Why Amanda is willing to live part of the year away from Cordonia?

Could it be, love? No. Too soon. We've done nothing but discuss the new hospital.

Another stray thought creeped in as she dried her hair.

What about the coffee shop?

Those, well she wouldn't call them dates, agreed upon moments where the two of them escaped Edenbrook to talk over cups of coffee. Those not a date times had ended up being where they learned more about each other.

If she was brutally honest with herself, she would admit that she might have been more open with him than any other man she knew.

He somehow made it easy for her to share her past.

Perhaps it was because they had both been abandoned as children.

It was a form of abandonment, Olivia thought. My parents were willing to put their selfish reasons before their five year old daughter. They were willing to chance making me an orphan just so they could rule Cordonia. Whatever affection they held for me wasn't enough to make them stay.

And just like them, Ethan's mother had put her wants before her son.

The image of his face that day his mother was brought in the emergency room with a drug overdose came to mind.

Olivia knew that type of anguish. It could only come from a wound that never completely heals. It came from that broken trust in the very people who were supposed to love and care for you unconditionally.

It could only come from a parent walking away from their child.

After giving the case to another physician and needing a moment away from the situation, Ethan invited her out for coffee and told her about his mother.

When he struggled to get the words out of how he was when she first left, Olivia had done something she never did for someone outside her small inner circle.

She reached across their table and took his hand, then offered her understanding by sharing with him what her parents had done.

Those startlingly blue eyes of his had fixed upon her face. He didn't say a word to interrupt her.

He only held her hand.

They knew in that instant that they had found someone who could truly understand their resentment that fluctuated with a yearning for what should have been. Found someone who had worked just as hard to prove that they could survive without their parents. Found a person who didn't need explanations for the heartache they had suffered but tried to keep hidden.

Olivia had once thought Drake would understand and maybe he did. But, he had tried not to get into deep discussions with her. The few times she had attempted to talk to him, he had distracted her with a kiss or changed the subject.

Perhaps that was a sign that he couldn't feel anything more than sexual attraction for her.

Olivia shook her head at these thoughts and went to her closet. Her lips curved somewhat as she went through the many dresses Hana had insisted she bring along.

As she held a red dress that would most likely work for dinner and the opera that Ethan suggested they see this evening, she was reminded of the last conversation she had with Hana the night before she left Lythikos.

*****************

Lythikos, Cordonia, five months ago...

"You might have some nights where you will need a more formal dress." Hana went through Olivia's walk through closet. "I would at the very least pack three different gowns. If you need more, I can try and ship them or you could go shopping."

"I'm not going there to socialize." Olivia reminded her. "I'm going there specifically to convince them that Cordonia is where they should be."

"And what better way to do so than by making sure you look the part?" Hana asked.

"These are highly intelligent men." Olivia replied. "They are nothing like the foolish nobles we deal with on a daily basis." She eyed her closet filled with various gowns. "A dress will do little to sway them toward my mission."

Hana took a deep breath before hinting at another reason to take them. "Well, what if you are invited...out...and need something to wear?"

"Out?"

"Yes." Hana smiled at her. "What if someone asks you to dinner or something?"

Olivia blinked. "I...that's not...I have more important things to do than--"

"One never knows when love will strike." Hana chose two red and one black. "Look at me and Rashad. Who would have thought we would find each other after being forced together by Madeleine?"

"Well, it isn't that farfetched." Olivia muttered. "Everyone likes you."

"They like you too." Hana insisted. "You've changed these past few years."

"I have?"

Hana tilted her head as if in study. "You are still you, but you've," she seemed to search for the right word, "you've softened."

"What?" Olivia was highly offended by that observation. "Softened?!"

"It's a good thing!" Hana laughed at the expression on her friend's face. She then smiled at the fact that Olivia was truly a friend of hers now. "You are still formidable, just more approachable."

"I should have never joined in with you and Riley." Olivia grumbled.

"If you hadn't, then we wouldn't be building a hospital."

"We wouldn't?"

"I don't think the old Olivia would be worried about such a thing." Hana explained. "The old you seemed more concerned with herself and just Lythikos."

Olivia hesitated. This hospital was still coming about in the hopes of changing her reputation. It just so happened that it would benefit others as well.

She couldn't let Hana believe she was some sacrificial heroine that put others before herself.

"Hana, I do want this hospital for Cordonia, but I also hope it helps repair the damage my parents and Lucretia did."

She was surprised to see Hana's smile widen.

"And that's why your friends are going to do all we can to make it happen." Hana began to pick out various other outfits for the stunned duchess. "We want the people to see what we see in you."

***************

Later that night, Olivia paced her chambers. Her muscles seemed determined to remain tight, ready for battle. It seemed that they were unaware that this wouldn't be that type of fight.

Her mind replayed the conversation with Hana. Was this softening going to be a problem or would it help her with convincing Dr. Banerji and Dr. Ramsey to uproot their lives for this?

Knowing she wouldn't sleep until she got some type of answer, she decided to call someone who she usually depended on to listen to her few worries.

"Why aren't you asleep?" Amanda said in lieu of greeting.

"And hello to you too." Olivia muttered.

"You know that's a given." Amanda replied. "And I know that something is wrong for you to call when we are to see each other within a few hours."

"Your perceptiveness is still impressive." Olivia remarked. "Good to see marriage hasn't weakened it."

Amanda snorted in laughter. "Weakened? If anything, it only enhanced it." She sobered when she noticed that her friend was not at least chuckling. "What's wrong?"

"I have a question that I want nothing but a brutal honesty." Olivia said.

"Okay."

"Do you, do you think I have changed?"

"In what way?"

"My personality." Olivia huffed. "Do you think I have softened?"

She didn't know if it was a good thing or not that Amanda was not answering immediately.

"Yes, I think you have."

Olivia sat down, wondering how she had missed this transformation of herself. "Really?"

"I think we have all changed." Amanda added. "And why wouldn't we? After all we have gone through. You most especially."

"Why me more than the rest of you?"

"Liv," she could hear Amanda's smile, "think of how you were two years ago. You were only concerned with winning Liam."

"So were the other ladies." Olivia grumbled.

"Yes, but you didn't care about anything else." Amanda pointed out. "If it didn't directly affect your goal to being his queen, you gave it little thought. I think once Constantine's interference in both yours and Riley's chances with Liam occurred, you then realized that there were other things going on around you."

"You make me sound self absorbed."

"You were." Amanda's tone gentled. "Don't get me wrong, you have been there for me during my own difficulties over the years and I will always love you for it. Which might be why I excused your behavior during Liam's search for a bride. But, yes, you have definitely changed. You have always been loyal and steadfast, willing to do whatever was needed for those you care for. What's changed is that you have expanded on that. You are now willing to include those you used to not think much about."

Olivia sat down, wondering what kind of person she was now.

"What brought this on?" Amanda asked.

"Hana. She made an observation that I had softened." Olivia grimaced slightly. "Do you think this will affect our chances tomorrow?"

"Definitely." Amanda replied.

Olivia dropped her head in her hand. She couldn't believe she had managed to ruin this before ever having a chance to meet the renowned doctors.

"I think our chances of persuading them will be even better because of your softening." Amanda added.

"You do?" Olivia sat up straight.

"I do."

"Oh."

"Liv, get some sleep. We'll need you sharp to explain your mission." Amanda chuckled again. "Between your passion and ideas for this hospital, they won't be able to say no."

"I--" Olivia felt herself grin. "Thank you."

"Anytime."

"What time does your flight get in?" Olivia asked.

"I went ahead and left today."

"You did?" Olivia didn't bother to hide her surprise. "Did Thomas come with you?"

"No. I encouraged him to stay at home and finish his lecture notes."

"Nothing's wrong is there?" Olivia asked.

She knew first hand that the couple tried to travel together. This was something new.

"Everything's fine." Amanda explained. "I didn't want jet lag to somehow mess this up for you." She smiled at seeing her husband's name flash on her phone. "Thomas offered to come too, but I thought we would wait and see how the initial meeting goes."

"That is...thank you." Olivia simply said.

"You're welcome. Now, if you feel better, I will let you go and answer Thomas's call before he thinks I ran off with a doctor or something." Amanda teased.

"Nothing wrong with reminding him what he could lose." Olivia replied. "And I do feel better. I'm not sure I'm comfortable having softened, but at least it seems to be a good thing."

"It is." Amanda told her she would see her in the morning and ended the call.

Olivia made herself go back to bed. Having at least voiced some of her concerns, she was able to finally fall asleep.

*******************

Olivia's Apartment, Boston...

She finished applying lipstick, then stepped back to study her reflection.

A few quick turns were all that was needed to agree with Hana's choice.

Olivia brushed her red hair over her shoulder, then draped it over the other. Grimacing at being unable to make up her mind how to leave it down, she searched through the cabinets for one of her signature clips.

I'll just put it up, she thought.

The sound of the downstairs' door buzzer had her giving up her search.

Her nerves struck her stomach as she buzzed Ethan in.

Calm down. He's a man. Nothing special at all about him. Just because he is the first to finally treat you like a woman rather than some fearful automaton like the men back in Cordonia viewed you as, doesn't mean you should lose your head.

Needing something to do while he made his way up to the fifteenth floor, she tried to find something to straighten up.

Her apartment was sparse and too neat for what she needed. Straightening the already perfect set of suggestions and graphs on her desk that Rashad had sent her, she couldn't quite keep her excited smile from peeping out.

Deep breaths, she commanded. Remember that you have been out with men before. This is nothing special. Just a first date. 

She opened her door at his knock.

Ethan's eyes swept down, taking everything in of the fiery duchess.

She stood there nervously, wondering if she was wearing the right type of dress. Was her hair wrong? Should she have left it cascading down her right shoulder? Perhaps--

"You look beautiful, Olivia." He breathed.

Averting her gaze so he couldn't see how happy that made her, she still managed to give herself away with her smile.

"Thank you." She managed to say. "You--"

Seeing him dressed in a blue suit that should have detracted from his eyes, yet instead made them pop with their brightness, she felt the need to sigh in appreciation.

Good lord! I've turned into Riley! I would rather die than sigh over a man wearing clothes that compliment his eyes.

"You look handsome as well." She stepped back. "Please, come in."

Ethan's lips quirked over the blush rising up her face.

He then caused her to go speechless when he handed her a bouquet of red roses.

Her lips parted to speak, but all she could do was stare at the blooms.

"I don't know what your favorite flower is, but I thought you would at least like the color." He explained.

"I do." She lifted her eyes up to his face. "I always liked roses." A smirk formed on her lips. "Something beautiful that isn't afraid to hurt someone with their thorns if they try and cut them has my approval."

Ethan's deep laugh filled her apartment as she searched for something to put them in.

"I forgot about their fighting prowess." His eyes followed her take her bouquet to her bedroom. "Now I know which flowers to surprise you with next time."

She felt a warmth form in the pit of her stomach at his teasing.

Then she realized he was thinking on them having another date...before this one had a chance to begin.

He really does like me. It isn't just in my head. There is something between us after all.

She gathered her clutch and a light wrap on her way back to Ethan.

He took it from her and gently draped the red silk along her shoulders. His hands smoothed it down her arms, causing her to suppress a shiver of delight.

"Ready?" He murmured near her ear.

With a nod, she led the way out the door.

*****************

A dive bar, Cordonia...

"I thought I would find you here."

Drake glanced up before focusing once more on the cue ball.

Maxwell patiently waited on his friend to respond.

Dropping his head in frustration, Drake tossed the pool stick down.

"What is it?"

"I have to go to Los Angeles again." Maxwell explained. "And I could make an extra stop along the way." He paused, drumming up the courage to say where. "If you want to go with me, I could drop you off in Boston."

Drake's glass had stopped partway to his lips. He eyed the man he thought barely paid attention to anyone at balls and such.

How did he know?

Unwilling to admit to anything, Drake merely cocked an eyebrow.

"Why would I want to go there?" His lips quirked. "See the spot where the colonists dumped all the tea?"

Maxwell ordered a drink and pulled up a barstool. "I know it isn't easy, seeing someone who you thought you had something with to end up with someone else."

Drake choked on his drink. "What are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about inaction to what is going on." Maxwell lowered his eyes. "To think you have all the time in the world to finally admit you do want more, just to end up as a guest at her wedding to some other man."

Drake's brow furrowed. "Did you and Nadia break up?"

"No." Maxwell tilted his glass, swirling the liquid around and around. "It doesn't matter now. The point is that I don't want to see you go through that." He took a swallow before standing up. "I leave the day after tomorrow. If you want to go and let Olivia know you've been miserable since she left, then meet me at the airport." He placed a hand on Drake's shoulder. "Don't make the mistake I did by giving another man a chance to sweep her off her feet."

Drake's lips parted to demand more of an explanation, only to see Maxwell walk out.

A part of him wanted to deny that Olivia was the reason he had withdrawn from everyone these past few months. The other part went through the chances that she would find anyone to put up with her strong personality.

It seemed more than likely that she would return single. He could then meet her on equal ground and pick up where they left off.

No reason at all to prostrate himself before her in Boston.

[utterlyinevitable]

Fast Fic #1

Please Don’t Cry

Word Count: 1k Warning: lil bit of angst, lil bit of fluff, two curse words  Summary: This takes place in OH2 right after June Hirata confronts MC about their history with Ethan. 

A/N: Thank you @laiba-the-person​ for requesting this! 

please forgive any mistakes i didn’t edit at all

________________________________________

Just as June and Becca were at the height of their argument Ethan and Baz enter the diagnostics suite, both blissfully unaware of the new tension in the team. Baz greeted everyone happily while Ethan assessed the room with a trained eye.  

He saw Becca looking at the floor. 

With a raised eyebrow the Director of Diagnostics asked, “Rookie, everything ok?” 

“Yeah, I’m fine,” she mumbled. 

With a nod the group began working on their next case. As she was following Baz and June out the office, Dr. Ramsey calls; 

“Lao, a word.”

She stopped in her tracks and turned to face him, shutting the door in front of her.

“Is everything okay?” he asked again. The tone of his voice let her know he wasn’t asking as her boss but as the man who knew every one of her emotions just from the coating of her eyes.  

Becca let out a long sigh. Her eyes started to well over with each and every one of the too many unknown variables taking over. 

Ethan rose from his desk and began to close the distance between them, his rigid professional demeanor softening with every stride. “Please don’t cry,” he softly begged.  

Looking directly at his chest in her line of vision she said, “Hirata knows about us.” 

It was direct and to the point.  

“What -” Ethan wasn’t sure if it was her even and firm tone or the weight of the statement that had him at a loss for words. 

“She also uses your coffee machine.” 

She could see his eyes growing dark. He was notably more upset about the coffee than their supposed feelings being out in the open after trying so hard to keep them at bay. It eased Becca’s mind a bit. But the moment the words slipped out of June’s mouth Becca knew just what Ethan was trying to protect by keeping things professional. Dr. June Hirata was manipulative and she would not hesitate to use what has just been confirmed to her advantage.  

“How? What does -” Ethan tried to ask before Becca cut him off.  

“I don’t know how but she suspects we’re... involved.” 

“Fuck.” Ethan’s hand ran down his face in frustration. 

“She said everyone could see it…” Becca continued from her place by the glass door. “It’s obvious…” She moved closer to him. “What do you want to do about it?” 

Ethan shook his head, “Nothing. Not right now. I’ll speak with her, see what she really knows and why she’s doing this to you. I’m sorry, Becca.” He brushed his hand against hers, lacing their fingers together. It was the most he could do in that moment - the moment he had been wary about ever since Miami. “I - I should have been more careful and kept things professional. This is all my fault.”  

Becca’s dusky brown eyes met with his lustrous blues as she squeezed his hand tighter, “Ethan, stop. It’s no one's fault.” she admonished. “We have feelings for each other, you can’t blame yourself for that. It’s inevitable. We’re inevitable.” 

There was that word again. She first used that word last year in the lab after their first kiss in Miami. Just hearing the word made Ethan’s heart jump at all the memories flooding back - they had fought time and time again but always fell right back into each other. She was right. He knew she was right from the very beginning. Ethan Ramsey and Rebecca Lao were always fated to be more than colleagues.  

“I don’t want to ruin your career again,” he told her again in all honesty. “You can do this and I cannot be the reason you don’t achieve greatness.”  

Becca boldly let her free hand reach up and caress his cheek. “I promise you I can do both. I can love you and be the words best young diagnostician.”  

Ethan’s eyes went wider than a deer in headlights. “What” 

“Well,” she began to explain with a silly smirk, “You and Naveen are the best, but sorry you’re old. I’ll be the best young doctor for now.” 

“Becca…” 

She took in Ethan’s raised eyebrow and jitters. The reaction caused her to replay the past two remarks in her head. All of a sudden she dropped her hand from his cheek in realization. Rebecca just told her ‘friend’ - her mentor, that she loves him. 

Her eyes widely matched his at the revelation.

“I’m sorry - I didn’t mean it like that. I jus - It’s just something I say to my friends. Don’t read too much into it.” 

Ethan’s eyes softened with amusement at her backtrack. 

He pulls her closer, his free hand now firmly on her back. In no time at all he was kissing her tenderly, passionately, lovingly. On impulse they melted into each other for a while. 

Once she broke the kiss for a dose of much needed oxygen, he whispers in her ear; 

“I like you a lot more than any of my friends. A bit too much.” 

Becca’s heart raced faster than it’s ever been at his admission. She pulled away and caught him looking into her eyes conveying their hidden meaning - wishing for her to understand. 

Now, finally, Becca knows Ethan Ramsey feels the same way but he’s not ready to throw it out into the universe just yet. Although the words were a mistake on her part - she never imagined saying them out loud before let alone to his face - the feelings are real. 

Rebecca Carolina Lao does love Ethan Jonah Ramsey, with all she is. 

She wished things weren’t this complicated; they didn’t need to be this complicated. But his way of over-complicating everything is something she loves about him. She loves how he craves information and is heavily guarded but opens up to her with just a little push. In that moment Becca wanted nothing more than for him to speak those words back, validating their predicament and making everything better. 

Alas, she knew better. 

“I know,” she smiled up at him smally. “I’m sorry.” 

She untangled herself and backed away from him, starting to recollect her things. 

“I should get back to my patients. See you tomorrow, Dr. Ramsey.” 

________________________________________

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[youralternantpersonality]

Eternal Love

Paul x Reader: Eternal Love.

Part 1: Eternal Love

Part 2: Everlasting Love

Part 3: Endless Love

Part 4: Enduring Love

***

Darkness. All I see is darkness…I’m calm yet scared. I don’t understand what’s going on. I am in the forest in La Push, walking aimlessly. Not heading anywhere. I want to go home but I also like it here. I feel…at peace. I look over and I see a never-ending path of trees. What makes it eerie is that there’s no animals, no background noise, even when I get close enough to the dirt, no worms, ants, spiders, anything. I feel like I’ve been stuck here for almost an hour or so. And after some time, I realize something…where’s my dog?

“Snout! Snout! Where are you?” I yell and start looking around. I hear a bark in the distance and run towards it.

“Snout! Baby, come here!” I hear more barking and I run towards that direction. Something seems familiar about this. I just can’t figure out what it was.

Paul’s POV

Five days. That’s how long it’s been since the good doctor Cullen has told me that the love of my life, the only reason I even exist, the one who would calm me yet irritate me out of love, The One; gone. At least, not completely. She’s in a vegetable state—can’t move willingly, can’t hear, smell, taste anything. Hooked up to a machine that is keeping her on this earth. I haven’t moved from this spot by her bed unless I have to shower and eat (demands by Emily).

As I sit here, looking at my beautiful Y/n, bruises along her left side of her body, a cast that covers her arm, hip, and legs, bandages wrapped around her head, I can’t help but cry nonexistent tears. I have cried all of what I had left over the past few days. I can remember everything that happened so clearly. Regret consumed me, so much so, that Dr. Cullen was gracious enough to fix the damages in the bathroom attached to her room when I smashed my fist into the mirror, and he got her, her suite in the hospital.

I fucked up. Everyone tried to make me feel better, but deep down, we all know what I did was what put her in this situation. Which is why I begged, no pleaded, even bargained with the Good Doctor to change her. He wanted to help, but because of the treaty….

“…I cannot Paul. The treaty states…”

“Fuck the treaty! She’s the love of my life! I can’t lose her! I may have fucked up and caused this, but I can’t let her go! Please!” I pleaded outside of his home. His wife, Esme, came next to me and hugged me as I fell to the ground. I didn’t care if she was eerie rock solid or cold as ice, I just needed my Y/n/n back.

As I am looking at her currently, caressing her little finger that is hanging outside her cast, I think back to how we met.

At the Beach: September 2nd, 2018;

There was a birthday party at the beach and, like what anyone would expect from us, the guys and I crashed it. It seemed boring until we, I, showed up. The host was too tipsy to give a crap and was just happy to see more people. I was flirting, per usual, with some lovely girls when the host calls out a name. And what made me respond was the voice and fragrance that came with it.

“What hoe!” a laugh followed afterward. The wind blew a sweet fragrance, pomegranate mango with an orange-like citrus smell to it. I turned my head at the right time to see Y/n. I couldn’t take my eyes off her as she walked towards who I found out later to be Angela—one of Bella’s old friends. She went up to hug her and Y/n looked around. That’s where our eyes came in contact. Everything else around me disappeared and I didn’t care for anyone or anything around me. I slowly made my way up to her and she just smiles as I do so.

“Hello, beautiful. I don’t think I’ve seen you around here. I’m Paul, what’s your name?” I smile, not one of my flirty smiles, a genuine smile. It’s weird, I never wanted to imprint EVER in my life, but over time, it didn’t seem too bad. And now, I’m not complaining.

“Hmm, you seem dangerous.” A cheeky smile is placed on her face, she looks me up and down and turns her body towards me.

“I’m Y/n, but people call me Y/n/n.” I smile and shake her hand. Both of our eyes widen at the electricity flow, the magnetic force pulling us to one another, and this cloud 9 effect that is taking over. I look down at her and smile.

“Hmm, you seem like you’re about to ruin my life,” I said jokingly. She smiles and laughs.

“I guess we’re a match huh?”

“I guess we are. So, tell me about yourself.” And from then on, we were together.

But it seems like life wanted to make a full circle.

Current Day: August 30th, 2020

“Paul, the council is still debating. I know this is hard, but please, at least for Emily, go home and get some rest.” Sam said. Normally, I’d take alphas orders, but this time, I can’t. I shake my head and head towards the bathroom. I brush past him and Jake and just stand there behind the door. I look at myself in the mirror and can see emotional and physical damage.

I’ve lost weight, I have deep dark circles around my eyes, my eyes itself is bloodshot red. My skin is sickly pale, not it’s normal “golden glow honey brown sugar” skin that my little raven called it. I laugh at that memory. She was whimsical, mysterious, and protective like a raven. Her secret personality was as big as one too. She called you in naturally by her beauty—inner and outer beauty.

At Paul’s house: November 2018

We were laying on the couch relaxing before I had to go on patrol. She was reading a book with her legs planted in my lap, I was deep engrossed to the video game I was playing when suddenly, I feel a pair of eyes on me.

“Make a video to remember this moment then replay it when you miss me.” I smile and look over at her. All I could see is her big y/e/c eyes staring back at me. One eyebrow raised and her book was covering the bottom half of her face.

“You know,” she says sitting up, putting down the book, “it’s not fair how clear and bright your skin is. You have this…this golden glow…with, like, honey brown sugar swirled in it. You suck.” She says pouting. I pause the game, lean over to her, and place most of my weight on her while kissing her neck. She squeals underneath me and starts laughing. I smile and kiss her softly while poking my nose into her cheek.

“I love every bit of you, my love. You may see flaws, but with my heightened eyesight, I can see little freckles kissed all along your face. Matter of fact, let me show you where.” Then I proceeded to kiss all over her face. She laughs uncontrollably.

“But you don’t have the curse of hyperpigmentation! You see freckles, I see never-ending scars.” I hate it when she gets like this. It hurts me, to see the love of my life feel as if she has to be something different to even be next to me.

“Baby, stop,” I said calmly, I learned quickly that I would have to control my tone around her. She can read me like a book and because her emotions can get the best of her, yelling could end in two ways. One, she’ll fight back—she’s all bark and bites—so no one messes with her for a while when she’s at that point. Or two, she starts tearing up and holds back tears. Not for manipulation reasons that most girls do, but for the fact that she intakes certain emotions and she has no control over hers.

“I know you may feel that way, and you have to remember, I did too. You know, I was human like you before my wolfy sense’s kicked in.” I smile as she smiles back. “Just know my love, I don’t see anything wrong with you. I could never.” I place my forehead on hers. “I love you too much to worry about things like that.” I kiss her. She looks at me and says,

“So, if you didn’t love me, you’d notice it?” I look at her with a blank face, roll my eyes, and just roll off the couch. I can feel her watching me.

“Well…”

“You know, you’re a little shit, right?” I say with my hands covering my face. She lays on top of me and says,

“But you love me, remember.”

“Oh my god…” I just squeeze her to me and laugh along with her.

Current Day: August 30th, 2020

I step back out into the room where Dr. Cullen and Sam are waiting for me. I stop and look at them.

“The council decided…” Sam said, I looked up with hopeful eyes…

“They will agree to it, if…” Carlisle started.

“If what?” I say, taking a step forward.

“If she leaves until she can handle being around humans. And…” Sam began,

“She can’t go back to La Push,” Carlisle said. I replayed what they said…. she can change but can’t come back until she’s able to be around humans, but she can’t come back to La Push. I nod my head.

“How long does it usually take for your kind to get better at being around humans?” I ask quietly. Carlisle looked at Sam with guilt and answered.

“It depends on the person's restraint. Within their first year, their blood still runs in their body, so blood lust, especially from humans, is out of control. After a year, it gets better. Although, with our diet, it’s harder but not impossible.”

“But how long in total?” I asked anxiously. He looked at me with genuine sad eyes.

“Up to three years or so.” He said with sorrow in my eyes. For once in the few days I’ve been here, a new emotion that I haven’t touched came out. Rage.

“Three years! I can’t go that long without her! I’m coming with you.” I said to Carlisle. Sam looked at him for an answer. This is the first time I’ve seen him rely on his answers on another person’s answer.

“You can, but there’s no guarantee of anything. Her body may or may not accept the venom. She may or may not remember you. She may have anger towards you about what happened if she remembers what happens. Anything could happen Paul. Is it worth the risk?” without hesitation, I answered.

“Yes.” Sam nodded his head and gave me the okay. Even if he wouldn’t have, I still would have followed them. He knows just as much as anyone that separating imprints from one another is a death sentence.

“We leave tonight. Edward and I will take her to Alaska with some friends of ours. I will administrate the change there. Because you are in no condition to shift, we plan on flying. Medical services will meet us there with her. We have paperwork stating that they are her closes family since she doesn’t have one.” I nodded my head and took a deep breath.

“Thank you. I know this is a reach, but can I ask for one favor.”

“Of course.”

“Can you freeze her eggs.” They looked at me confused and with shock. So, I explained,

“We’ve always talked about having children. She’s always wanted children of her own and to adopt some. I know she wouldn’t care too much about it, but I also know that would make her happy.” I begged the doctor. He sighed and nodded.

“it shouldn’t be a problem, since she’s already under my friends name as family, Eleazar would be okay with it.” I nod my head and look back at my angel.

“Emily, Kim, and Clair will be up here in a few. Go home and rest for tonight Paul. I promise, she’ll be okay. If she’s going to have the procedure, you need to be ready for when it’s over and to head out.” I didn’t argue this time. I walked over to her and kiss her head.

“Don’t leave me, my love. I’ll be here waiting for you. Always.”

My Love (for the series)

Masterlist

[ohlawsons]

i played the fool (you played the martyr)

summary: As with everything else between her and Theron, there’s always been a back-and-forth, a push-and-pull, a predictable wobble in their unsteady orbit around each other.  or; Nathema throws some things into question and throws others into sharp focus. Maybe this is a conversation that's long overdue. pairing: Rei/Theron word count: 4659 notes: back on my bullshit with 4k words of chaotic bisexuals

***

Countless things flash through Rei’s mind as Theron falls, but her foremost thought is that she’s glad he’ll be too focused on the pain — if he’s even still conscious — to pay attention to her, because she really doesn’t think he’ll appreciate the things she has planned for Vinn Atrius.

(She recognizes his voice, now, from that first transmission they’d caught back on Odessen, months ago when this had all begun. She’d crushed the holocomm as the message replayed, using the Force to reduce it to mangled metal and a shower of sparks. They were going to find him — the Zakuulan, not Theron; she hadn’t yet acknowledged out loud that Theron was no longer on Odessen — and she’d announced to the war room that she was going to end him in a variety of painful ways.

Lana had been the only one present who hadn’t flinched.)

It’s been nearly six months since Umbara, six months since she’d held back Lana and watched Theron and Zaara walk away. Six months of galaxy-wide broadcasts and half-hearted warnings that she would be bringing him back to Odessen — alive —  and six months of carefully nurtured rage and grief and confusion held tight in her chest, growing and festering until a moment like this, a moment where she has somewhere to focus all of this pain and uncertainty.

But she forces that from her mind, for now. T’sereen kneels beside Theron, and Rei knows the former Jedi will do everything in her power to keep him alive; even as Rei stalks towards Atrius, even as she rips the saber from his hands and reaches out to force him to his knees, she can sense as T’sereen begins healing Theron. It’s enough — just as it will need to be enough when she clinches her hands tight, grasping onto Atrius with the Force and gripping, pulling, tugging.

She wants to take her time. She’s Sith, after all, and she’s furious — hands shaking, eyes alight with a ocher burn, the darker edges of the Force wrenched and shaped through her will alone — and she’s spent so long planning this moment, waiting and wishing and wanting, debating the very best way to express all these months of equal parts bitterness and despair.

But Theron would protest, if he were in any shape to protest rather than out cold on the ground behind her, so instead Rei continues to pull, and with one last effort to expend all her pent up energy there’s release and the sundered halves of Atrius’ armor-clad body clatter to the ground.

She suspects Theron would still protest.

But it doesn’t matter. Lana and Zaara are already rushing past her to the console, but Rei almost can’t find it within herself to care; the grief she’s so studiously built up over the months is gone, and its sudden loss leaves her exhausted and swaying on her feet. She joins T’sereen, stands just behind her and watches as the Jedi works, cursing beneath her breath as her hands move over the wound on Theron’s chest.

“He’ll live,” is all she says at first, before standing without warning and hoisting Theron up with her, beginning to carry him back out of the ruins. “I need to get him back to the med bay on the ship. Go save the galaxy,” she adds, jerking her head towards the console.

Rei watches as they leave, eyes trailing them a moment longer than she knows is necessary; letting out a slow breath, she turns back to where Lana and Zaara are now focused on tearing the systems apart, and Rei lets electricity begin to spark and crackle along her fingertips.

 ***

 She doesn’t leave him alone once they’re back on the ship, maintaining a stubborn watch over him in the medbay even as Lana needles her about putting together an official statement for Odessen and T’sereen shoos her away, fussing over Theron with a combination of kolto and her own Force healing abilities. Andronikos joins her, too, letting Zaara take the helm so he can sit with Rei instead of sleeping.

“For what it’s worth,” he says after T’sereen leaves to get some sleep of her own, “this isn’t as bad as you were after Thanaton. That was…” he pauses, and there’s a ragged edge to the words even after all these years. “You looked a lot worse than this. And you still pulled through, even with those ghosts toying with you.”

Rei doesn’t bother turning from Theron. “The ghosts kept me alive,” she reminds Andronikos, aware her tone has slipped into something akin to a pout; she figures she’s entitled to a bit of pouting, really, given the way things have gone recently.

“Sort of.” Another pause. “We didn’t have a Jedi, either.”

The way he shrugs as he says it — as nonchalant as anything — is enough to pull a tired grin from Rei. She rests her head on his shoulder and stays there, content with just his presence, until he leaves to take the helm again and Lana’s back, asking about statements and the Alliance’s official stance on the incident; she’ll humor Lana, Rei decides, and makes an honest effort to type something up but she can’t focus, not really, not with Theron lying so still before her.

They arrive on Odessen long before Rei can muster up anything substantial, so she passes off the datapad to Lana and follows as Theron is taken to the base’s clinic to be looked over by Yvara and the other doctors. It takes more than one pointed threat to keep them from throwing Rei out of the clinic entirely; she gives them space, at least, and paces at the far end of the room while T’sereen relays details of the injury and the treatment she’d already given.

When Yvara finally gives the all-clear — “He’s stable, but he needs time. Do not let him leave this room when he wakes,” is all she says before leaving — Rei takes up the same post as in the ship; she pulls up a chair and settles in, scrolling aimlessly through a datapad despite her attention remaining fully on Theron.

She hasn’t worked out how to feel, not yet; she’d never fully accepted that Theron was even gone, to begin with — as she’d pointed out in the first broadcast after Umbara, everyone who has ever betrayed her is dead — and a hollow ache settles in her chest whenever she allows herself to consider any similar course of action for dealing with Theron.

It couldn’t be betrayal, then, as she’d told Lana for all those months, even as her remaining spymaster repeatedly showed that all evidence pointed to the contrary — until things had begun to unravel, and hints and messages and breadcrumbs began to reveal themselves.

(Lana had refused to see it, all the way up until Copero, and that’s when Rei realized just how hard Lana was taking the betrayal, as well. There was a bond between her and Theron and Zaara, one that went back to Manaan all those years ago, and Rei knew it wasn’t easy to have that bond broken by them both at once.

But then Raina came waltzing onto Odessen with decrypted messages from Zaara that used a code their team had only used when deep undercover, one that only Raina and Lokin could decrypt and, well, Raina was the only one left living. She knew her wife, Raina insisted with more fire and certainty than Odessen had seen since Umbara, and she knew the messages were deliberate. Zaara and Theron weren’t traitors, not really. Not in the truest since of the word.

But Rei thinks it’s that revelation that hurt Lana the most, learning that she had somehow lost the trust of her two closest friends.)

It doesn’t feel good, being right.

Hope and grief and anger have left a hollowed out pit in her stomach, it seems, from holding on to them so tightly for so long, but it doesn’t matter because it’s over. He’s back. He’s back, and yet something dark still roils within her mind, because once again this careful back-and-forth dance between them has a looming obstacle — like on Rishi, on Yavin, on Ziost — that she’d made the mistake of assuming was over once they’d reunited on Odessen.

It isn’t opposite sides of the war, this time, not really. She would tear down the galaxy for him, collapse the stars and ignite the planets; it’s her way, it’s in her nature, because all she’s ever known is to fight.

But Theron — he would save the galaxy for her, fight until his last breath to hold it together with his own bare hands, if need be; that’s his nature, isn’t it, to stand in the way of a blaster or a saber — or a god — because while he isn’t a Jedi he shares too many of their damnable values, Rei thinks, and hasn’t that always been the problem standing between them?

Maybe they could both learn to be a little less reckless, but that hasn’t ever been in either of their natures.

She watches the steady, shallow rise and fall of his chest, the raw bruising around his implant, the dark circles beneath his eyes; for a moment, equal parts rage and satisfaction bubble up within her at the memory of, quite literally, tearing apart the man responsible, but it’s quickly replaced by guilt that churns uncomfortably within her mind — because while this isn’t her fault, it easily could’ve been. As with everything else between her and Theron, there’s always been a back-and-forth, a push-and-pull, a predictable wobble in their unsteady orbit around each other.

They both act without thinking, they rush forward, spurred on by gut feeling and base emotion. She leave destruction in her wake, and he follows behind to clean up the mess and protect her from the fallout of her own actions. Maybe he would disagree — she knows he would disagree — but Rei can’t help but wonder if this would’ve still happened if she were a little more cautious, a little less brash, someone that Theron could’ve trusted this sort of delicate mission to.

But then, she thinks, quiet fondness causing her lips to curl into a soft grin, he was hardly delicate about the mission, either, given the way he leapt into the heart of the cult.

He’d never asked her to be anything but who she already was — and she could be so much, at times, she knew — and Rei doesn’t think she could ask Theron to change, either.

She knows what she signed up for.

 ***

 He stirs later that night, and Rei immediately has to reach over to keep him from trying to sit up; she suspects that he would’ve given up rather quickly even without her intervention, if the grimace of pain is anything to go by. She sets her datapad aside, one hand reaching for his before she withdraws; unease and uncertainly settles over her and she hesitates, sitting back in her chair and crossing her arms.

“Ow.” He doesn’t try sitting again, but does turn his head just enough to look in Rei’s direction.

“We’re going to have matching scars now,” she informs him, matter-of-fact, brow raising as she glances over him again; the twisted, gnarled scar tissue that crosses her own torso — a gift from her first fight with Thanaton — is a bit messier than Theron’s will be, she suspects, once it heals enough to be a scar. “Though I think yours will heal better.”

He starts to laugh, but the sound quickly gives way to a sharp intake of breath as his grimace returns. “Glad to hear it. Are we back on Odessen?”

“We are. Are you here to stay?” The question comes out more quickly than Rei had wanted, more callous and point-blank than she’d planned, but she doesn’t take it back; she’s been in the dark for too long, spent too many nights alone with nothing but her uncertainty for company. He owes her this one thing, she thinks, just one answered question to atone for six months of lies and reckless deception.

Theron looks away, just for a moment, a few seconds of silence before he reaches for her; it’s nothing but a hint of motion, just one hand creeping to the edge of the medical bed he’s on, but Rei understands and gingerly takes his hand in one of her own. “Yes,” he says, slowly, just as delicately as the way they cling to each other, “if you’ll have me. All I want is to come back to the Alliance. Here.” A beat of silence. “With you.”

He’s watching her with a careful, reserved gaze, as if he doesn’t expect her to say yes, and somehow that cuts Rei as deeply as when he’d left in the first place. She wonders if it’s the pain or the meds, or if he really believes that she cares so little for him that she would toss him aside.

As if she could.

“Yes, of course,” she says, swallowing back the way his doubt stings and making a show of rolling her eyes. “I’m not going anywhere, if you’re not. And if you are—“ she pauses and leans forward, giving his hand the slightest squeeze, “—then take me with you next time.” He starts to argue but she shakes her head; they aren’t ready for this sort of conversation, not now, not when he’s still too weak to even sit up on his own. “Focus on healing, and we can have this fight later. But I want you to know, Theron, that I love you. So completely and deeply that I… I don’t even know how to make sense of it.” She pauses, places a second hand over his; her voice stays steady, but her chest burns with the intensity of the words, the staggering depth of the way she feels about it. About him. With a slow exhale, she forces a carefully measured grin. “Really, it’s cute that you think a little betrayal is enough to get rid of me.”

He says nothing, at first, but his cautious grip on Rei’s hand tightens and she wonders if she didn’t say the wrong thing, opting for a bit of levity to break up the heavy moment. But then he smiles — it’s slow, and hesitant, and almost bitter — and when he speaks his tone is tired. “The last thing I wanted was to push you away. If there had been some other way…” He lets out a slow breath, releases her hand. “I didn’t have a choice. For the Alliance, for you…”

The words trail off again and Rei can tell Theron’s fighting exhaustion — or the meds, or both — so she slides her hand back and stands, grabbing her discarded datapad and clutching it in a grip so tight she worries it’ll crack. “Rest,” she chides, taking a step back; if she doesn’t leave now, she doesn’t know that she’ll be able to leave his side at all. “I’ll get Yvara. And I’ll be waiting — after she clears you and you’re released. No sneaking out of here early.”

That, at least, earns her a tired smile, and she pauses in the doorway and watches as Theron’s eyes flutter shut; all the months of bitterness and uncertainty seem so trivial, now that he’s back, and something like resolve — like certainty — settles warm within her bones and she’s happy, she thinks, for the first time in what feels like years.

 ***

 She doesn’t avoid him, not necessarily, but the next several days pass in a flurry of frantic activity that leave little time for her to visit.

Rei, Lana, and Beywan work to put together an official statement, first in a quiet memo circulated through the Alliance, then to lengthy reports passed to their Imperial and Republic ambassadors; Arcann takes the liberty of smoothing things over with the rest of Zakuul, but when Rei tries to thank him he waves off the attention — something about knowing Theron and Zaara need people on their side.

Zaara, for her part, seems in a better mood than Rei has ever seen her, walking hand in hand with Raina throughout the base. Theron’s recovery has gone well, to the point where Rei knows Yvara has had to threaten — more than once — to cuff Theron to the bed if he continues to try and bargain his way out of the clinic. She wishes she could visit, more than the handful of times she’s dropped by since their return, but she’s hardly had time to even sleep with as busy as she’s been.

After working to convince the rest of the galaxy that Theron and Zaara had been working under Odessen’s orders — something made infinitely easier by the fact that Rei left them alive, in stark contrast to the long list of others who had betrayed her and faced swift retribution — there were the continued attempts from both Empress Acina and Chancellor Rans to sway the Alliance in their favor, as well as the increasingly worrisome rumors that renewed war looms on the horizon, all punctuated by the stream of reports highlighting the galaxy’s worsening resource shortage. Rei doesn’t mind politics, far from it, but even the verbal sparring with Acina and blunt threats towards Rans grow tiresome, these days.

She misses Theron’s official discharge from the clinic, and only learns about it after an impossibly long day spent in meetings and on calls and trying to wrap her mind around the logistics of working enough farmland to feed the entirety of the Alliance; on a different day, she might have stormed through the base to demand answers, to demand the reason that she wasn’t alerted as soon as he was released. But tonight, she’s not in the mood to fight with anyone, so instead she drags her tired feet through the base towards her quarters — their quarters — only to find them empty.

It doesn’t take her long to find him; it’s late enough that Odessen is growing quiet, and by now Rei knows Theron well enough to have a good idea of the handful of places he’ll sneak off to when he needs a moment to himself. She finds him at the back of the base, leaning against the railing of one of the walkways that leads down to the shallow valley where she and Zaara both tend to land their ships. It’s peaceful, down here, tucked away just out of sight of the hanger bay where the Gravestone used to sit.

Rei doesn’t bother to announce her presence. She stands beside him, hands clasped behind her back as she joins him in surveying the valley that sprawls out before them; Theron acknowledges her with a quick glance, but even just that is enough for Rei to see that his movements are still stiff. “Out early on good behavior?” she asks lightly, brow raising as she suppresses a grin.

“Something like that.” His white-knuckled grip on the railing loosens, but the rest of his posture remains rigid, tense. “Guess I just needed some time to get my thoughts together.”

There’s a comfortable silence, then — at least, it’s comfortable enough for Rei, but beside her Theron is still impossibly still; she reaches for one of his hands, steps closer until she’s pressed against his side, warm and solid and real. She isn’t very good at providing comfort, but she can be here, and that’s something. “How did this all even happen?” she asks after a moment, the words more curious than accusatory, eyes locked on their joined hands as her fingers intertwine with his. “How long before Iokath were you scheming?” She tilts her head up, brow raised and lips curled into a mischievous smirk.

“In my defense, things got a little out of hand.”

“Mhmm.”

“An old contact of mine got me some leads,” he says, finally beginning to relax beside her; Rei wonders if it’s her presence or the chance to finally speak freely about it all. “I didn’t expect anything to come of it, but next thing I knew I was staring at a way in with the Order.”

“The mysterious Iokath intel,” she guesses.

He nods. “I knew I could convince you to send a team to investigate, and had to hope the Empire and Republic would do the same.” He pauses, frowning, and when he speaks again he sounds a bit sheepish for the first time. “That’s… when Zaara found out. She’s still got friends in Sith Intelligence, and apparently I didn’t cover my tracks as well as I’d thought. But I wanted to make sure I had something substantial before I turned it over to the rest of the Alliance.” Another pause, this time to glance back out over the valley, and when he speaks again his voice is rough. “There was just too much going on to waste time and people on a dead end, but… guess I didn’t really help with the personnel issues.”

Rei shifts her weight, gives a noncommittal wave of her free hand. “There’s always personnel issues. I’ve been dealing with them since long before Odessen. What about the trap on Iokath?” She doesn’t think she really wants to know, but she needs to, doesn’t she? Maybe it doesn’t matter, but she’s tired of not knowing.

“Zaara’s idea.” The simple statement comes out on a rough sigh, slow but not quite hesitant. “Atrius’ plan — I didn’t know it was him, at the time — was for you to get caught in the crossfire. Zaara pointed out it might look… suspicious, if the Alliance came out so far ahead, and I had just enough time to…” He doesn’t say it, doesn’t admit that he was the one to rig the trap that knocked Rei out cold, but the words still hang between them, unsaid. “Atrius assumed you’d make a run for the weapon and try to secure it for the Alliance, but none of us expected you to get so creative about it. Or lucky.”

“And you didn’t tell anyone at that point?” Again, she’s careful to keep her voice even, not too sharp. Not too frustrated.

Theron’s frustration, however, is plain in his tone. “We didn’t even get to meet Atrius in person until after Iokath, which is when we realized that Gemini droid was in our systems. I couldn’t report it at that point. Not without tipping off the Order.” He pauses, jaw working, eyes focused on something off in the distance. “So we met with him, and he told us about the Adegan crystals and Umbara, and… there was no going back.”

She doesn’t ask for details about Umbara.

“So…” He lets out a long, slow breath, turning back to Rei. “Where do we go from here?”

She tilts her head, considers; it’s been a long day, and a longer evening, but she certainly feels as if she’s gotten the answers she’d needed. “To bed, I’d hope,” she decides, giving the slightest tug on their still-joined hands. “It’s been a very long day and I’m very tired of sleeping alone.”

“Just like that?” His brow furrows and his expression shifts to one that’s not quite suspicious.

Rei frowns, fighting back a yawn. “Would you rather we have a big fight about this?” she deadpans. “What you did was stupid and reckless, but you and I both know I’m the last person who should be criticizing rash decisions.” Exhaustion finally gets the better of her and she yawns before continuing, “I’m tired and I miss you, and I honestly do not care about anything else. I just want to move past it.”

“Just like that.” There’s fondness in his voice, now, and even as Rei tries to lead them back to their quarters, Theron pulls her back towards him into an embrace, but even as he wraps his arms around her he’s gentle, hesitant — and she can’t tell if it’s his injury or his guilt that makes him so cautious, even now. “I’m sorry. For all of this. I’ve missed you, too, and I love you, so much, and…” A catch of his breath, a quiet, shaky laugh. “And I really don’t know what I would’ve done if you hadn’t let me back in.”

She doesn’t respond, not right away, simply content to be held. But then she pulls away, just enough to look up at Theron — at the way he stares at her like she’s the best damn thing to ever happen to him, which isn’t fair, not really, not with the way it makes her heart thrum erratic in her chest even after all this time — and the glib remark she’d had prepared falls unspoken from her lips. “You’re stuck with me,” she says instead, beaming up at him, because it feels right — him, and this moment, and Odessen, all of it.

She would tear the galaxy apart for him, and he would piece it back together for her. And maybe that’s enough, for now.

[justreadingfics]

Looking For a Heartbeat (15/?)

Pairing: Bucky Barnes X Reader

Series Summary: You and Bucky used to be in a relationship. Feelings were hurt, you left. It’s been two years and you’re back. You both will handle the reunion well, won’t you?

Chapter Summary: No more secrets.    

Word Count: 2.9k

Warnings for this chapter: angst.  

 A/N: @suz-123 is my angel and I love her. This one is a little shorter because I thought adding more would ruin the pace. Feel free to scream at me, just know I love it ehehe.  Links are ruining posts, you can find the masterlist link on my description.

 With his back against the headboard of his bed, Bucky twirls the soft tiny piece of clothing in his fingers.  He hasn't stopped looking at the little jumpsuit he scrounged from your room ever since he bolted his way out of there. 

When he told you he didn't know if he could do it, he wasn't lying. He's been so damn scared ever since he heard the doctor saying the words that…changed his life, he might say. He's never felt like this before and he has already faced too much damn scary shit in his long life. It was all a blur to him as his legs moved on his own and he spent the whole night wandering around the city.

Sighing, he realizes what a fucking coward he is and his eyes shut. It took him days to finally gather the courage to go talk to you. Steve offered his support, like he always does… Nat grabbed him by the collar and threatened his manhood, of course… Sam tried to reason with him, how Bucky had expected him to do. Wanda was the one to surprise him, calling him stupid when he expected gentle words from her. Can he blame her, though? Isn’t stupid exactly what he is?

Despite the effort of his friends, it was only time, the passing of the days that managed to get him out of his mind and finally go talk to you. Time he spent thinking solely of you, of the baby you are expecting… Replaying in his mind how he spent every single day which the baby already existed inside you, a little piece of you and him, getting stronger by the minute without him having a clue about it.  

He never, not for one single second, thought that this would happen to him. Having a kid…a little helpless creature that would depend completely on him, on both of you together…There’s no way he wouldn’t fuck this up…

How in the world a fucked up freak like him could be a father. A good one? He doesn't even know how to deal with his emotions towards you…towards Anna… or himself, to be honest. How, in the middle of that mess, one that he took a great part on creating, would he learn how to be a father? 

He knocked on your door and you’ve never looked as beautiful as when he laid his eyes on you. He saw the tiny shoe in your hand and his mind went dizzy. The coward in him took over as he insulted you and the history of you and him by asking if the baby was his… What a dumbass…

Taking you over, he noticed how comfortable you seemed with the idea of the baby. How could you not be freaking out? You acted so elegantly, so composedly, so…maturely. His love for you, the one he keeps trying to wipe away from his chest, swelled even more and made him be unable to find his breath.   

And when he heard you saying the exact same words he had told you once, that the love of yours wasn’t good for neither of you, he truly understood what dying would feel like…What right does he have to feel that  way, like he wasn’t the one to force you to think like  that in the first place… like he didn’t agree with you? There it is. The mess…it’s all his fault.

The kid has been lucky enough to have you as a mother, would he want to taint that with all his dark shit? Deep down, he knows the right thing to do would be to spare this child of the burden of having him in their life. It would be better for everyone, but especially for the kid…  he knows that.

But why the hell does his heart feels like it's going to combust ever since he gets a glimpse of this tiny little piece of cloth. 

For a second, he wonders if his old self, the one Steve keeps gushing about, would’ve been a good father... Ever since the hospital he’s been searching through his knotty memories and an image keeps flashing in his mind… a little baby, all in white, one he held so close to his chest when he, himself, was nothing more than a boy. If he tries hard he still can feel the relishing fluffiness of their blanket against him. His sister... Rebecca. He doesn’t remember being scared then, all he remembers is feeling so drawn to that little creature in his arms…

Perhaps…

Gazing down at the onesie, he sprawls the soft fabric all over his metal hand. It fits almost perfectly. When he smiles, he doesn’t even notice.

Is he really so scared of something that could fit in that tiny little thing? 

The doorbell rings and his easy smile drops.

Anna…

He gulps down and carefully folds the jumpsuit, placing it beneath one of his pillows before getting up to open the door. They haven’t really talked ever since the hospital.  While he bolted, he heard his name being called by her, but he didn’t let her catch up to him. He needed to be alone. And then he avoided talking to her like the plague.

He’s almost certain she’s been doing the same, since she didn’t try to reach out for him again, not once, not even to talk about their cancelled trip. It’s an odd feeling to him, the need to avoid her. Anna has always meant comfort and guidance whenever he felt lost, not knowing what to do, what to feel… However, this time, all he wanted was to be alone… to think things through for himself.

But he knows they have to sort things out. He has to understand how she’s been feeling about all this and he owes her an explanation, a position of some sort… that’s why he’s called her to come and talk.

When he opens the door, he halts and the sight makes his heart ache. She has her hair high in a messy ponytail and not in the usual stylish waves. There’s none of the habitual makeup on her face and the dark circles matches his as her eyes cast downwards. The corner of her lips curl in the same direction… Clearly, it hasn’t been easy for her either and it breaks his heart that he has neglected her so much these days, acting so selfishly and distant. 

“Hi,” his voice is soft and low, “Come in,” He steps back to give her room.

When she passes by him to get into his living room, she doesn’t spare a glance at him. He can’t really tell why, but this time, he doesn’t try to greet her with a kiss like he’s used to. Maybe it’s guilt.

“How’ve you been doing?” She quietly mummers, finally looking at him as she stands a few feet away from where he has just closed the door.

Bucky just nods and pulls up a tight smile, noticing as she doesn’t take off her coat and keeps standing up, fumbling with her fingers, not moving to take a seat anywhere in his living room.

“What about you? Are you ok?” He timidly asks, placing his hands on his back pockets.

“Have you talked to her?” She quickly ignores his question.

The air grows thick between them, something so unfamiliar for him and Anna. Once again, he just nods.

“Is she… is she and the baby alright after… after the accident?” Her question is tentative and shaky.

“Yeah… yeah. They’re fine. Guess they got lucky.” He tucks his shoulders.

“Did she tell you how it happened?”

His eyebrows pull together as his head tilts to the side, this is not a question he expects to hear from Anna, especially as she asks it in such a small voice, her lips becoming white as she press them in between her teeth. At least he didn’t expect her to ask about it right now, after he spent days without looking for her and they have so much more to talk about. Why is she focusing so much on your accident? Is she running away from the main subject? Is she afraid of something he might tell her? 

“Ahm… yeah.” He keeps frowning, “She said she got distracted and nothing more. I think it’s weird, but we didn’t really get to talk much about it.” He steps closer to her, aiming to reach out and touch her, “Anna…, listen, I’m sorry, I-”

“It was me.” She bursts out and Bucky stops on his tracks, “It happened because of me, Bucky. It was my fault she got in an accident. ” Anna chest heaves as her fists clench tight on her sides.

Bucky steps back as the air is knocked out of his lungs and his forehead scrunches up in confusion. Her words a puzzle in his mind as he watches how her face contorts into something… desperate, “What?” He puffs out.

Anna’s head hangs low while her eyes close and she takes a deep sigh, as if to control her frantic breathing caused by the words she has just let out, “I-I, before the airport,  I went to the tower and-.’

“What? Wait…” Bucky interrupts her, “You said you had some work stuff to do. Did you lie to me?” What the hell is she telling him? “What did you go there for?” He can’t avoid the biting tone to sweep into his voice.

She turns her head sideways, avoiding looking straight at him, before replying, quietly. “At Steve’s party… I-I listened Natasha talking to Y/N, about-” She breathes in, before directing her gaze to his, “about her being pregnant…”

Bucky’s eyebrows shoot high on his forehead.

“It wasn’t hard to figure out who the father was.” She shrugs weakly, tears glistening her eyes.

“You knew?” He utters through his tightened teeth. He can feel the shock leaving his expression as a scowl twists it and a dangerous rush of anger burns on his chest. 

“I-I“, She stutters, looking lost. Finding no words, she only nods.

A scoff slips from Bucky’s lips before he runs his hands down his mouth, “Why the hell didn’t you tell me?”

His harsh tone makes her flinch but he doesn’t find in himself to take it back, to tone down his demeanor. Not now. Not when a somber sense of betrayal, of deceive sting on his heart.  

“I- I was so scared of losing you, Bucky. I didn’t know what to do. And… and…fuck…”   She curses under her ragged breath, as she looks the other way.  

“And then you invented that fucking trip…” Bucky fumes, shaking his head in disbelief. He inhales deeply. He needs to calm down. He needs to understand. “What did you tell her? When you went to the Tower… What did you talk about, huh? Tell me, Anna.” He demanded.

“I asked her to give us time…’ She answers without hesitation, moving her pained stare to him again, “I told her how fucked up you got when she left and how I helped you get better, that… that if you knew about the baby you wouldn’t focus on yourself, on us… I… I said that she shouldn’t have come back.”

Exposed... Betrayed…Manipulated…. These are some of the words that cross his mind as a dull ache grasps his thundering heart and his whole body is stiff as a rock. He stares at Anna, but he doesn’t really see her…he trusted her… he thought he could trust her… and now he feels like someone has dragged the floor from under him. The floor that has been keeping him supported this whole time… He’s lost.

“Then the accident happened right after…” Anna spoke again and her voice is so small he barely registers the sound. “She could’ve hurt herself, her baby…” She blinks and her face contorts in sheer horror, “I’ve never hoped for something like that to happen, never… I promise.” She cries out, her eyes begging him to believe her. “But I know it’s my fault. It’s my goddamn fault. I couldn’t stop thinking about it all these days.  I kept thinking how…” She purses her lips, eyes shifting around as she looks for the right word, “Wrecked I left her there, she wasn’t in a condition to drive... I didn’t want this to happen, but it did, and because of me, because of my actions.” Anna chokes on her words, hitting on her own chest with her hand.

There are tears roaming down freely on her face now. Bucky can see the honest regret into her words and something in the back of his skull tells him he shouldn’t blame her and that, rationally, it’s not her fault, not entirely at least. But there’s something feral surging inside him. Something he’s never felt before… a primal emotion… a consuming and agonizing need to… to protect. To keep the object of this powerful feeling, safe, guarded, shielded, unharmed.

“Please, say something.” She implores, reaching out for him.

“Do you have any idea of what could’ve happened?” He shouts, the tormenting feelings inside him escape in an outburst as he jerks his arm away from her touch, making her recoil, “I don’t care about how you were feeling or what you felt it was better for me, they could’ve been hurt or… or worse… because of you…” He points an accusing finger at her.

She shivers under his hard glare, but doesn’t say anything, shutting her eyes closed.

“And you lied? You- you knew it…” He starts pacing from one side to the other on his living room, betrayal lacing his voice, “You knew it, Anna, and instead of telling me, you came up with that fucking trip-“ He halts, to stare at her, “You- you fucking manipulated the whole situation. You manipulated me.” He shouts even louder, “You didn’t have the right.” He bites his lower lip, shaking his head at her, “You didn’t…I trusted you.”

“Bucky, I-I didn’t mean, I thought…I-“. She fumbles with her words and moves towards him, but pauses when he steps back.

“I can’t do this, I can’t talk to you right now.” He turns around, dipping his fingers in his locks. He’s too angry, too defensive. That protective urge ruling his thoughts and actions. He’s afraid of what he might say… might do. He could tear the world apart right now…

He takes a deep breath as his arms drops and he turns to her again, noticing how she’s shrinking into herself, pleading eyes on him.

Her breaths are short and fast before she licks her lips to try to speak again, “Bucky-“

“I think you should leave now and we shouldn’t see each other… at least not for a while.” He pulls on a steadier, calmer voice, averting his eyes and folding his arms in front of his chest, biting on the inside of his cheeks.

The room is quiet when he hears the shuddering breath she takes, but he doesn't look back at her. He simply can’t.

“I get it.” She mutters, “You ́re angry and don’t blame you. I just want you to know I never meant to hurt you… That’s the last thing I’ve ever wanted.” She reaches for his elbow, and this time he doesn’t pull away.  His eyes meet her sad ones, taking in the sorrow resting on her face.

He feels his chest tightening, making it hard to breathe. It's not just anger… He’s sorry, too. Sorry for the emotions he feels slipping through his fingers, the feelings he had when he looked at Anna… The admiration, the safety, the love- yes love. It's not like the love he feels for you, not at all, but it was a love after all. Something else pricks at the pit of his stomach… an emergent sense of guilt… his old pal. Somehow, this, all this mess, it’s his fault. He’s damn sure of that.

Swallowing down the turmoil, his jaw tenses. He finds nothing to say to her.

Anna nods slowly, aiming her gaze to the floor as she withdraws her hand from him and swiftly moves towards the door.

With his back turned to her, Bucky hears it when she opens the lock.

“You know…” Her small, but now steadier voice resounds from behind him, “I once said there was no deal breaker for me when it came to you and me…” He can sense the sad smile through her words, “I...I just couldn’t guess that, in the end, I would be the one to break us.”

When she leaves, Bucky lets out a deep breath. Without thinking twice, his feet take him to his room. Sitting down on his bed, he reaches for the little jumpsuit beneath his pillow.  A calming rush sweeps into his tormented chest and, through it all, a stubborn little smile makes its way to his lips.

He finally realizes…

He already is a father…No one can take that away from him. Not even himself.

All he hopes is to not fuck this up even more. 

[justthehiddleswrites]

Bah Hiddleston | Tom Hiddleston x OFC (Tamra Harmon) | Chapter 5 | Winner Winner Chicken Dinner

Pairing: Tom Hiddleston x OFC (Tamra Harmon)

Summary:  Tamra Harmon has no mind to mess with Christmas. All that talk about Christmas magic and the joy of the holidays is just a bunch of mumbo jumbo. But will a chance encounter with perennial Christmas lover Tom Hiddleston change all that?

This chapter:   A trip to the Natural History Museum leads to a friendly wager. Tom struggles with an inner turmoil and will the snow ruin all their plans?

Warnings for story: smut, oral sex, implied smut, vaginal sex, light angst

-

Tom tossed and turned that night, waking the next morning groggy and with a crick in his neck. He skipped his usual morning run to get some extra rest and slept through his alarm. He got ready as fast as possible, giving Bobby a quick pet before heading out the door.

When he arrived at Tamra’s, she is already outside, bundled up in her hat, scarf, and new coat.

“You’re late. Here hold this.” Tamra shoved two coffees and a brown bag as she turned to lock the front door.

“Breakfast?” Tom asked as he opened the bag to spy the contents.

“Pain au chocolat.” Tamra replied, doing a dead on impression of Tom. “I figured I would keep you in supply of chocolate. Did you sleep okay? You don’t look well.”

Tom ran his hands across his beard. He had hoped she wouldn’t notice the dark circles under his eyes. “Bobby kept me up. But nothing a good cup of coffee won’t fix.” Tom gave her a smile, and she returned with one of her own.

“Drink up.” She took the other cup and sipped. “We have a big day!”

“Lead on, museum expert.”

As they headed to the museum, Tom let his thoughts wander as Tamra gripped his hand to lead him through the crowds. He replayed Luke and Ben’s comments from the last night. They are imagining things. He told himself, rationalizing away the lump in his throat and butterflies in his stomach to lack of sleep and coffee.

They moved through the exhibits and Tamra described all the exhibits to Tom, pulling from display to display. Tom nodded and listened to Tamra’s voice. Her passion once again sweeping him up into a cloud of hubris.

“You’re quiet this morning.” She commented as they walked into another room.

“I’m enjoying your company. You explain everything so well.”

Tamra giggled. “I thought I might be boring you.”

“Not even close. Please continue on.” Tom gestured for her to lead the way.

They reached a special exhibit called “Crime Scene Live” and read the information and discovered you get to solve a crime and at the end you get to find out if you guessed the killer. They purchased tickets and headed into the experience.

“Care to make a friendly wager?” Tom commented raising his eyebrows.

“Terms?”

“First person to guess the killer wins. Loser cooks the winner dinner.”

Tamra tilted her head. “Deal.” She took off running. Tom soon followed on her heels.

“No running!” A docent warned as Tom zoomed by. Tamra giggled as Tom apologized before taking off at a fast walk.

Tom arrived at the first station with Tamra halfway through the task. The two of them worked fast and furious through each station. Tamra held a slight lead until they reach the fake blood. She froze as she stood staring at the vials.

“You’re not squeamish about fake blood, are you?” Tom mocked as he pulled on the protective gear before sitting down to begin the station.

“No.” she lied. She shuffled from one foot to another. Tom moved with a doctor’s precision through the station. “Okay maybe a little.”

“Sit down.” Tom insisted as he patted the seat next to him. “I’ll help you.”

Tamra gave him an uneasy smile but sat down next to him. “Thank you.”

“My pleasure.” Tom finished up his portion first and then did the same for Tamra. He rose.

“You’re leaving?!”

“I intend to win.” Tom’s lips pulled into a large toothy grin. “You can move on once your results come back.” Tom took off and Tamra lost sight of him.

Her results came back a few moments later, and she took off. Tamra moved the stations as fast as she could and by the time came to enter results, Tom got there only a half a second before her.

“Damn!” she cursed as Tom reached the final station.

“And to the victor goes the…” Tom quoted as he input his answer. A big red X appeared on the screen. His face fell. “… spoils.”

Tamra pushed him out of the way. “What were you saying?” A green check mark popped up after she put her anser in. She raised her arms in celebration. She danced a circle around a dejected Tom. “You owe me dinner.”

“Well played.” Tom extended his hand. Tamra grabbed him into a quick hug. “Now let’s check out the rest of the museum.” She nodded and bounded off towards the exit. Tom discarded his paper in the nearest trash bin so Tamra didn’t spy his answers.

If Tamra’s energy level only skyrocketed after her victory. She bounced through the rest of the exhibits. She even smacked someone in the back of the head when she gestured with a bit too much gusto.

“So sorry!” she screamed as the gentleman threw a dirty stare their direction.

Tom pulled her close to him. “Perhaps we should leave the premises before they charge you with assault and I am named an accomplice.”

“Good idea. Lunch?”

“A woman after my own heart.” He commented.

They found somewhere nearby to grab some food. Tamra talked a mile a minute the entire time while Tom sat silent. He knew if interrupted she would stop talking, but he liked be on the listening end of the conversation. They spent the rest of the afternoon walking around the city. Tom pointed out all the festive decorations and every time, Tamra turned her nose up every time.

“Stop trying to make Christmas happen.”

“Stop fighting it.” Tom quipped back. “Christmas is not the enemy.”

“Maybe for you. But the only thing I associate with Christmas is heartbreak and my family falling apart.” Her voice cracked a touch on the word “family.”

Tom’s heart hurt at the anguish on Tamra’s face. “There must be a happy Christmas memory you have.” Tom’s hand moved in a circle as he grasped for the words. He snapped his fingers. “Your favorite Christmas present as a child?”

Tamra stopped in her tracks. “I don’t know. No one has asked anything about Christmas in a long time.”

“I can’t imagine why.”

Tamra shot him daggers. “Give me a second to reflect. What’s yours?”

Tom ran his fingers across his chin, bristling his beard. “For me, it would be this little cassette recorder. I would use to put on these little shows. Early seeds of my future career I guess.”

“Aww.” Tamra cooed. “Mine would be a Cabbage Patch doll.” Tom raised his eyebrows as if to spur the memory on. “My grandmother gave it to me. She staked it out at the store just for me. It was one of the last presents she got me before she passed away. I still have that doll up in my attic.”

“You never struck me as the sentimental type.”

“I may hate Christmas but I am not a monster, Tom! You never asked.” Her nostrils flared in anger.

Tom held his arms up in defeat. “I yield! You are right. I apologize.”

The conversation continued like this, with the two of them trading memories and snippets of childhood and young adulthood. Tamra burst into laughter when Tom showed her a picture of him with blonde curls.

“Like Little Orphan Annie!”

“Okay, let’s never say that to my face ever again.”

Daylight waned, and the time came to head to Tom’s for dinner. Tom’s mind raced as he drove the route home. He went through a mental checklist on the state of his home. Was the dirty laundry picked up? Dishes out of the sink? Bobby’s toys put away? Oh God, Bobby! What if he doesn’t like Tamra? What if she is allergic? He gripped the steering wheel with a white knuckle grip. Tamra gazed out the window at the passing houses. He spotted something out of the corner of his eye and made a sharp turn.

“What the hell!” Tamra remarked as the car came to an abrupt stop. Tom jumped out of the car and jogged to her side of the car.

“Are you going to get out and help me pick out a tree or not?” Tom opened the door for her.

“Do I have a choice?” she got out of the car, grumbling.

“Not really. Come.” Tom gave a hand to help pull her to her feet.

Tom took off amongst the trees on the side of the road. Tamra rolled her eyes and followed him into the makeshift forest. As Tom ran his hands over the trees, a light snow began to fall.

“Pick a tree so we can go.” Tamra whined as snow dusted her shoulders.

“Are you bothered by a bit of snow?” Tom teased as he grabbed a nearby tree by its trunk and gave it a firm shake.

“I don’t like the cold.”

“Then help. What about this one?” Tom held one out.

Tamra turned her head to the side. “The trunk is crooked.”

He put that tree down and grabbed another one. “The top is too sparse.”

Tom peeked around the tree. “For someone who hates Christmas you are awfully critical about Christmas trees.”

“Do you want my help or not?”

“At this point, I am leaning towards not.” Tom commented as he tossed the tree to the side. Tamra walked to the back of the lot. She disappeared behind a stack of trees only to emerge moments later, a tree in hand.

“This one.” She blew an errant lock of hair out of her face.

Tom moved next to Tamra, brushing pine needles off her shoulders before placing his arm there. “You’re right. It’s perfect.” Tom squeezed her into his side by the shoulder. “Now let’s go.”

Tom paid for the tree and Tamra helped him hoist the whole thing on top of the car. As they continued on their way. Tamra held her hands in front of the air vent.

“Here.” Tom grabbed her hand and wrapped his fingers around hers. “You are ice cold. Nothing a nice cup of tea can’t help.”

“Sounds nice.” She placed her other hand on top of Tom’s.

They stayed like that the rest of the drive, long after the heat kicked in. The car pulled into the drive as a heavier snow began to fall. As they hustled up the stairs, Tom stopped Tamra.

“You’re not allergic to dogs are you?”

“No. You have a dog?”

“A spaniel named Bobby. I also can not speak as to the condition of the home. I did not expect company.”

Tamra smiled. “You’ve seen me in my bathrobe. I can see past a few dirty dishes and stray clothes.”

Tom smirked as he turned the key in the lock and opened the door. Tamra heard the clicking of nails on the floors. Before she realized, a small ball of brown fur ran right into her legs.

“Bobby! Behave.” Tom scolded.

“It’s fine. No bruises, Bobby.” Tamra knelt down to scratch behind the dog’s ears. “Which I am afraid I can’t say the same for your owner.”

Tom blushed and flicked on the hallway light. He hung the coats and pushed up his sleeves before heading to the kitchen. Tamra followed and Tom gestured to the living room. “Make yourself at home. I’ll make you that cup of tea and then start on dinner.”

Tamra stood in the middle of the living area. Bookshelves covered every available wall space. Every shelf stuffed to the gills with books of all shapes and sizes. Tamra perused the shelves, running her fingers along the spines as she looked. Her hand lighted on a particular volume and she pulled the book out to read the back cover.

“See anything you like?” Tom asked as he entered with the tea. Tamra startled, throwing the book in the air before catching it inches from the floor.

“I didn’t mean to startle you. Tea’s ready. I fixed it the same way as at the National Gallery.”

“You remembered?” she took a tentative sip to check, the tea tasted spot on. “Thank you.”

Tom grinned. “Now that I impressed with tea, the pressure is on for dinner.”

Tamra took another sip. “What are you making?”

“My specialty, Spaghetti Bolognese. Now if you will excuse me, I have a debt to settle.” He tied an apron on to protect his clothes. The whole scene was positively domestic to Tamra.

She settled into a nearby armchair with the book in hand. She read the cover first before cracking it open and began to read. Tom walked by a few times to check on her and smiled at the scene of Tamra curled in the chair with Bobby at her feet, as though this was her place and not Tom’s. He ignored the buzzing in his stomach to return to cooking.

“Dinner’s ready!” Tom announced when he placed the plates onto the table. Tamra looked up from the book. She stretched before standing.

“Already?” She stood to meet him at the table.

“It’s been over an hour.” Tom gestured for her to sit next to him.

“An hour?!”

“One has the tendency to lose oneself when lost in a good book.”

“Who said that? Shakespeare?”

“That’s an original Hiddleston.”

“Oh. Sorry.” Tamra took a large sip on wine to keep herself from inserting her foot even further into her mouth.

“ No apologies necessary. I appreciate the compliment.”

“I wouldn’t want you to get a swell head so I will keep the compliments to a minimum.”

Tom laughed. “I am sure my friends and family would encourage your efforts.”

“Tell me more about your family.”

Tom’s eyes lit up as he talked about his parents and his sisters. She couldn’t imagine what life was like in the Hiddleston family if they all had even half the energy Tom did.

“My…” Tom commented as he looked at his watch while clearing the plates. “look at the time, I need to get you home.”

“Before I turn into a pumpkin?” Tamra giggled, giddy on wine and pasta.

“Something like that.” Tom’s expression went from boisterous to somber as he glanced out the window. “Oh no.”

“What?” Tamra pushed behind him, her chin digging into his shoulder. She saw the roads covered with snow, far more than a dusting. And the snow continued to fall in heavy sheets.

“I’m afraid we’re snowed in. There is no way I can navigate those streets with all the snow.”

“What about public transportation?” Tamra asked, her brows furrowed

“Doubtful. You’re going to have to stay here the night.” Tom noticed Tamra’s face paled, so he placed his hand on top of hers. “In the guest room.” Tamra let out a breath.

Tamra stepped away to finish clearing the dishes. She yawned a few times during the process. “Why don’t I show you to the room?” Tamra nodded and followed Tom down the hallway.

The room contained a bed, dresser, nightstand, and lamp. The bed made with white sheets. Tom opened one of the dresser drawers. “Here are some clothes to sleep in.” He handed her a shirt and pants.

“Why do you have women’s clothes?”

“My sister left them here the last time she stayed over.” Tom explained. “What did you think? I have some sort of secret girlfriend.”

“Something like that. You are a famous actor.”

“Who happens to be as single as they come. Much to the chagrin of my mother.” Blood rushed to Tom’s ears. He shook his head to clear the buzzing. “The bathroom’s down the hall, Bobby usually sleeps in my room, and I am the door at the end if you need anything.”

Tamra nodded. “Thanks Tom. For everything.” They walked to the door together.

“My pleasure. See you in the morning. Hopefully, the roads are clear by then.”

Tamra rose on her toes, kissing Tom’s cheek. “Goodnight Tom.”

He shut the door with a smile and walked down the hall to his room, shutting the door behind once Bobby sauntered in. His fingers traced the place where her lips touched moments before. Once again blood rushed to his head and Tom stumbled to the bed lightheaded.

“Fuck!” he muttered as he stared at the closed door. He cursed Benedict and Luke but mostly himself as he tossed and turned that night.

[joshuahong]

002: The Strong Will Prevail

“Sooner or later the weak will die out and the strong will survive, and that’s how it’ll always be.”

Genre: Dystopian, Futuristic, Cyberpunk Rating: M Warnings: text glitch at the end. references to death (no main character) Masterlist: 𝘱𝘳𝘰𝘭𝘰𝘨𝘶𝘦 | 𝘤𝘩. 1 | 𝘤𝘩. 2 (current)

— Current Year: 2075 —

Kwon Soonyoung is a lot of things.

He is considered the chief in his local police station. He is a cat-lover, owning a little tabby-cat that he found in the rain during a Saturday afternoon. He is also a dancer with the nickname Hoshi and indulges in his favorite hobby every Friday night. Above all, Soonyoung is a well-respected citizen.

In fact, Soonyoung is a cyborg.

— Flashback: 2071 —

When Soonyoung graduated high school, he immediately joins the marines for 2 years. His father did it, his mother did it, and his ancestors joined too. It was tradition, and he was not going to be like his brother and disappoint his family by not joining.

During his training period, he meets another like-minded individual, who goes by the name Jihoon.

.

.

.

But Jihoon was different from his peers. He realized this 1 month in.

“Jihoon!~ Where are you going?” Soonyoung called out, sporting his signature eye-smile towards his friend.

Jihoon quickly turned, with a full plate of food in his hand, “Soonyoung! I’m not doing anything special, I’ve just been training extra hard, so I get a little more hungry…”

Soonyoung smiled widely, “Ah, as expected of our Jihoonie! Well, the other guys and I are going to play some volleyball later, did you want to join?”

“Ah, sounds fun, but…not this time Soonyoung…thank you though,” and with that, Jihoon turned around and quickly walked towards the back exit.

As he stared at Jihoon’s retreating form, Soonyoung’s shoulders tensed up as Wonwoo slumped an arm around his shoulders.

“Hey…isn’t that weird? He’s been ‘practicing more’ but why does he still suck at sparring? Seems like he’s distracted with something…at this rate I’ll be surprised if he graduates,” Wonwoo sneered.

“Fuck off Wonwoo,” Soonyoung bit back. “Jihoon…he’s not like that. He wouldn’t do anything behind their backs.”

Wonwoo smirked and turned around, raising his arms in defeat, “Don’t say I didn’t told you so!”

For the first time Soonyoung didn’t believe his own words.

- WOOZI POV -

Jihoon was panting, turning around often to see if anyone followed him. He replayed the steps in his mind. Make a straightaway from the back exit, turn left when you reach the yard, and make a right into the forest. That’s where he’ll be waiting.

When Jihoon was exiting the yard towards the forest near their training grounds, he hears a group approaching him. When he turns, he sees Soonyoung for a split second before booking it into the forest.

He’s moving by muscle memory at this point, and didn’t know when to slow down until he crashes into something.

“Jihoon?”

Jihoon snapped from his daze. He looked up to find a young man no older than he was looking at him with concern laced over his features.

“Hey, Jihoon, are you okay? Were you followed?” this time, the man’s voice was more urgent, more afraid.

“No, fuck, no I…thought someone saw me so I wanted to come here as soon as possible, I’m sorry to worry you Cheol,” Jihoon responded quietly.

The man affectionately named Cheol, smiled and took his hand to lift Jihoon’s face, “Don’t worry so much, you’re okay…we’re okay,” his eyes shifted to the plate in his hands, “what’s that?”

Jihoon’s expression brightened, “Oh! I…” he realized the food he carried had branches and leaves in it when he was running, “I brought you food, but you don’t need to eat it…I kind of ruined it.”

Cheol let out a small laugh, “You know, I can live without eating, but it looks really good, so I’ll try it! Thank you, Jihoon.”

On the first bite, Cheol’s eyes widened slightly, “this is good! I-I’ve never had anything like it.”

“Really? I’m glad!! Uh Cheol, is this, your, first meal?”

Cheol smiled sadly, “It’s fine, like I said, I don’t need to eat to survive, but eating this…with you…I think I feel…happy?”

Jihoon returned the smile. And the two fell in silence for the remainder of Cheol’s meal.

Afterwards, Cheol grabbed onto Jihoon’s sleeve, almost as if he knew Jihoon had to leave soon. “Can…you stay for a while longer?”

“Cheol, I’m not sure that’s a good idea, if they find me, they’ll find you too.”

“When I’m alone the memories come back.”

“Memories of what?”

“Give me your hand,” Cheol whispers.

Cheol stared at Jihoon in silence, and held out his hand. He closed his eyes and a small projection emerges from his fingertips.

Jihoon feels a strange warmth from Cheol. And he sees the images, and from Cheol’s hands he feels the fear, the devastation, and the constant uneasiness.

—————————

CHEOL’S PROJECTION

A group of doctors wearing plague masks hover around bodies, mumbling incoherent words and jotting things down on a tablet.

“Useless…they won’t turn on, sir”

“Ma’am, I have 3 working bodies, but they are all emotionless. I have since powered them off and dismembered them for repurposing.”

Why are there screams in the distance?

“At this rate, we won’t meet our quota to the o̸̬̝̟͎͆͆m̷̩̬̣̗͗̈́͜v̴̧̾́́̈̊t̷̤͝ͅr̷̫̖͕̄͜g̶͓̅͒͛̂n̸̢̺͍̐n̷͉̩̤͚͐̈̑e̷̯̦̐͌̿̂̅ȩ̴̲̣̠̏”

The projection glitches.

There’s flames everywhere. So many people are screaming. Androids that were built stronger were trying to get young children and women Androids to safety. Most were burning.

A voice from above: “This lot was entirely…useless. You ruined our plans…We’ve enhanced your pain receptors. You’ll die here…Is there a Hell for Androids? …Or do you die into nothingness? Your life was given because we gave it to you…I guess it’s fitting that we can also take it away.”

The projection glitches more often.

A young Android is shown on the screen. Disoriented. Coughing from the smoke.

Cheol’s voice is distinct. “Hey? Jeonghan? You need to hurry up.”

The Android looks at him puzzled. Cheol injects something into him.

“You need to run away.”

The projection cuts off.

END CHEOL’S PROJECTION

—————————

Jihoon touches his face. He’s crying. Why is he crying?

Someone gasps from behind them. Then a set of footsteps is heard running in the opposite direction

Both boys turn their heads in alarm as Jihoon lets go of Cheol.

“Fuck, Cheol, I-I need to go, I’m sorry,” Jihoon states, making his way back.

Jihoon left.

Two people remained in the forest.

—————————

Jihoon ran back to base, but saw no one on his way back. He ran into his shared room with Soonyoung.

He sees him, eyes unfocused and staring beyond him. His shirt had branches stuck to him.

“H-Hey Soonyoung, were…you the one in the forest?”

Soonyoung remains silent.

“Don’t you see what they do Soonyoung? It’s so fucking shitty. Fuck, I…can’t believe this,” Jihoon whispered harshly to the ground, eyes brim with unshed tears.

He was afraid.

“I’m not sure…that I trust what you’re saying, Jihoon.”

“What? Do you think I’m bullshitting you, Soonyoung? What would I gain?! Do you think I’d really give up 1 and 1/2 years of training?”

Soonyoung stayed silent.

Jihoon glared at Soonyoung, piercing him with his sharp gaze. He took a deep breath, calming himself down, “You saw it right? You saw that projection?”

“I’m not sure that I trust what you’re saying Jihoon.”

Soonyoung gets up. Takes off his boots. Turns off the light.

“Goodnight Jihoon. Don’t do anything stupid.”

——

Jihoon stops seeing Cheol for 1 week. Then 1 week turns into 1 month. Soonyoung stops talking to Jihoon, and Jihoon’s left to wonder about Cheol. Jihoon’s alone, and all he can think about are those memories he seemed to instill in him.

Before it can reach 2 months, Jihoon goes to see Cheol again.

Jihoon walks on the same path, he sees the familiar clearing. He sees Cheol, and with the meal in his hand, he reaches out to call to him—

A gun is placed to his head.

“Don’t move.”

Jihoon turns slightly, “Wonwoo, put down your gun.”

“You’re frolicking with an enemy of the country, do you know that? Or do you not care?”

Jihoon bit his tongue, “I didn’t know”

“Bullshit, then why are you hiding him?”

Jihoon turned sharply, and the gun’s barrel is touching his forehead, “I said I fucking don’t know, do you not understand? Or are you stupid?”

Before Wonwoo could fire, Cheol tackles him, and the shot is released to the ground. He holds Wonwoo down for a moment.

Cheol turns to Jihoon, “I left something for you. It’s further down. Grab it and run.”

Jihoon shook his head. He won’t leave without him.

“Jihoon - listen to me, you’ll die if they find you. Humans…like you…you want to live right?” Cheol’s voice is shaky.

The shot alerts the trainees and the emergency lights turn on. People can be heard scouting the area.

“Jihoon, run. Please,” Cheol begs.

Jihoon can see the lights filtering into the clearing. “We’ll meet again?”

Cheol smiles.

.

.

.

.

The class of 2073 is a hot topic considering it was epicenter of the “Revived Android Project” and Soonyoung graduating at the top of his class was something the Kwon’s were especially proud of.

That day, they received their cyborg arms, installed professionally. The arms are equipped to pump a special serum to enhance strength, and also has many functionalities fueled by a powerful microchip. It is monitored 24/7.

When Soonyoung looks at his cyborg arm it seems to serve as a solemn reminder. The arm turns on,

Soonyoung. Your mood depicts sadness. Is something the matter? You can always tell us.

Soonyoung shakes his head, “No I’m ok.”

OK. We are always here for you, Soonyoung.

— Current Year: 2075 —

Soonyoung returned from dance practice and crashed on his couch. On his coffee table he sees a letter.

𝚝𝚘: 𝚂𝚘𝚘𝚗𝚢𝚘𝚞𝚗𝚐

𝚏𝚛𝚘𝚖:  𝚆𝚘𝚘𝚣𝚒

He runs to his drawer and grabs a small tool, similar in size and shape to a screwdriver and unscrews several bolts on his cyborg arm. He sees the lights turn off, indicating that the power in his arm is temporarily shut off. He has 5 minutes to read this letter before someone comes to his door to check on him. He has 5 minutes of complete solidarity where they won’t know what he’s doing.

He tears open the letter and reads it as quickly as he can.

——

Soonyoung hears three sharp knocks on his door.

He opens the door and his smile widens, “Ah! Wonwoo~ am I happy to see you!!”

Wonwoo sharpened his gaze at him, “Your gear was off for 5 minutes. The registry was worried so they sent me.”

Soonyoung smiled sheepishly, “Ah you know how it is sometimes, it felt a little off so I was readjusting! Then I dropped the screwdriver and it rolled away and you know how much of a trouble maker my cat is…she kept kicking it awa—“

“Don’t bullshit me,” Wonwoo interrupted. “If I see that you have any intention of betraying us I won’t hesitate to kill you.”

Soonyoung smirked, “Is that how you treat someone ranked higher than you?”

Wonwoo stepped towards Soonyoung, so that they were face to face, “Your rank won’t mean shit if you’re going to run away like Jihoonie~”

Soonyoung’s jaw tightened as he balled up his fists.

Wonwoo sported a cheshire grin.

“Don’t make me report you like I did to Jihoon back when we were trainees. I don’t think living with a bounty over your head is a fun way to live, is it?”

“Of course not. I would never give up my position. I live for my country,” Soonyoung deadpanned.

Wonwoo gave him a final smile, “Glad to hear it, Soonyoung. Don’t make me come here again.”

——

The letter came with a microchip. One was left on the coffee table, and the other was in Soonyoung’s arm.

Kwon Soonyoung is a lot of things, but he will not betray his country.

he

w̷i̷l̷l̴

n̴̝̱̑ò̶͚̝̀t̸̙͕͘

b̷͕̿͂̌e̷̥͇͑̍ṱ̷͕̓̊r̸̯͋͘͝a̴̩͍̋y̴͔̞̙̽͝

̵̨̗̗̤̦͌̂̽͝͝ ̷̝͇̬̊́̀̈́͘ͅ ̴̡͎̖̘̌̇̒̑ ̸͓̣͎̰̈́͂̑͗B̵͓̺͉͇̕Ḙ̸̠͈̻̇͑́̋͒ͅTRAYBETRAYBETRAY

BETRAY

[doc-pickles]

i wrote a ‘pieces of you’ fic that wasn’t prompted???? amazing.

sooo this is the final piece in the whole jo/ex husband bit. you can find part one here and part two here. i’m working through some of the prompts in my inbox while taking a *short* break from hesitate to unfry my brain lol. anyways enjoy!

alexa play praying by kesha

“Hi I’m looking for Brooke Stadler. Is this her?” “Ha ha very funny Alex,” the voice on the other line made Alex pause, his body freezing as he heard Jo speaking to him. “I don’t know how you found that name but-”

“Jo,” Alex’s voice was cold and professional. “I have your husband in the ICU. I swear to god I’m not messing with you. It’s… you’re still his emergency contact. I need you to come down here.”

Jo looked from her phone to the ground in front of her, eyes watering as she took in what Alex was saying. Her breath hitched, hand coming up to cover her mouth as a strangled sob left her.

“I- oh god,” Jo cried out, her legs weakening as she collapsed onto the couch behind her. “Oh god.”

+ Despite finding out she was pregnant two weeks ago, Jo hadn’t told any of her coworkers her big news besides April who had been with her when she had taken the test. She wasn’t quite ready to tell her friends yet, but she knew that Jo Wilson, infamous party girl, turning down an invitation for drinks would be suspicious. And so, she found herself at a trendy downtown bar on a Friday night celebrating the end of the school year.

“I can be DD tonight, April has me on baby watch 24/7,” Jo had told Maggie when she asked, hoping that her excuse would tide over anyone who asked. “You know how pushy she can be.” Maggie seemed perfectly oblivious to Jo’s white lie, something Jo was grateful for as she sipped on her shirley temple. She was happy to be celebrating with her coworkers, but something about the club made her uneasy. Jo offered to grab more drinks for everyone, getting up and heading to the bar.

“Can I get two vodka sodas, one rum and coke, three lemon drops, and a shirley temple,” Jo batted her eyelashes at the bar tender, wishing she was anywhere else. She wanted to be at home with Alex, cuddling up on their couch and talking about the weird cases he had seen that day. However, he was working overnight which was the reason Jo had originally said yes to Maggie.

“You can put that on my tab,” Jo’s blood ran cold as she heard the voice behind her. “Nice to see you again, Brooke.”

The club seemed to fall silent around Jo as she turned and met the eyes of Paul Stadler. She swallowed the urge to vomit, to punch him, to scream, to do anything. Jo felt frozen in place as she stared blankly at her ex husband. 

“Miss, I have your drinks ready.” Snapping out of her daze, Jo finally turned and grabbed the tray of drinks wordlessly. She walked as fast as she could through the crowded club to where Maggie was waiting for her.

“I, uh, I have to go,” Jo set the drinks down and grabbed her purse, looking to her left and noticing Paul still watching her. “Alex needs help with… stuff. At home. Not here. I’ll see you soon!”

Jo rushed out of the club, clutching her chest in fear as she called the one person she knew would be able to help her right now. She couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think, but she also knew that she couldn’t stay here.

“April? I need help.”

+

Thirty minutes later Jo finds herself rushing into the ER at Grey Sloan Memorial. Her mind couldn’t stop replaying her run in with Paul almost three months ago. She thought she had moved past it, thought that being home with Alex would calm her. It hadn’t. As soon as Alex had called, Jo felt sick to her stomach with fear. 

She’s frantic clearly, one hand moving to her sizable baby bump as she tries to quell the nausea rising up. She can’t tell if it’s morning sickness or nerves, but she feels like she’s going to lose everything in her system. 

“Hi I’m um,” Jo swallows thickly, moving her hand to cover her rapidly beating heart. “My… husband, Paul Stadler. He’s in the ICU.”

The nurse behind the desk gives her a pitying look, eyes scanning from Jo’s face to her stomach. The look doesn’t help Jo’s nerves, knowing that the woman probably thinks she’s worried about her husband, assuming he’s the father of her child. 

“Room 1282, one floor up,” the nurse reaches a hand out to touch Jo’s shoulder. “It’ll all be okay sweetie.” 

Jo really wants to lose it then, her feet on auto pilot as she rides the elevator upstairs. Her mind is reeling with possibilities, Alex having given her no details over the phone. But the ICU was not a great place for anyone to be, even if they were an abusive piece of crap. 

The elevator dinged, Jo walking off and following the signage on the walls towards Paul’s room. She turned the last corner, her body calming when she saw Alex waiting for her. She hurried her pace as much as she could, Alex bringing her to his chest as soon as she was close enough to him. Just the feeling of him so close calmed her almost immediately. 

“Paul was in a bad car accident, hit and run. He’s on life support, if I take him off then…,” Alex looked down at Jo, her eyes downcast as she stayed close to him. “His injuries are too extensive, he’s not going to recover, Jo.”

“There’s nothing else you can do?”

“No, nothing else,” Alex looked from Jo up to Paul. “We could… we could donate his organs. He seems pretty healthy but it’s up to you babe, but that’s about it.”

Jo looked up then, not at Alex but behind him towards the hospital room that the man who had almost killed her was in. She had dreamed about this day, prayed and hoped that one day no one else would have to feel the fear she did. Now that the day had come though, Jo felt the need to give Paul the decency she had never received. 

“I never had a choice with Paul, he made all the decisions for me and for us. I…,” Jo’s hand moved down to her stomach. “This is my third pregnancy. He’s ruined my life for the last time, I’m not going to let him loom over me anymore. Donate his organs, every piece of him that you can. He needs to accomplish some good in this world.”

Jo stared into the room one more time before turning away and looking at Alex with a renewed sense of purpose. Alex nodded to her, kissing Jo’s forehead as he glanced at Paul. As a doctor, it was his job to provide the best care that he could. But as a boyfriend, as the father of Jo’s unborn child, Alex wanted nothing more than to watch Paul suffer. 

“Whatever you want babe, whatever you want.”

[sheilarice1]

Silver Death - Part 9

H-RR:

Setting up my surround sound system in the gym I remember to turn up the volume as high as it will go and then make sure that the door for the hallway is shut correctly.

After making sure that everything is ready or secured I start my music.

The music that's starts playing and is an old lullaby that Winter sung to me when I was new at the facility that I was originally placed in for experimentation.

Looking at the punching bag in front of me I close my eyes to concentrate for a few brief moments before re-opening them only to see the agent that shot my mother standing in the place where the punching bag occupied moments earlier.

I start to beat on the bag, and after a couple of minutes my hands start to get used to the feeling of them hitting something repeatedly so I stop, wrap them and start beating it again.

By the time Winter finds me the bag is ripped in multiple places and has blood covering some of its surface, but I'm still beating it. Widow and Captain have accompanied him this far and stop at the door when they see me.

My hands are covered in blood and dripping down my arms onto my torso,legs and the floor. My hair is messy and bloody from my hands running through it, and the gym floor has sand and fabric from the bag strewn across it.

When my music runs out of new songs and replays the first completely I turn around and notice them for the first time.

(Winters P.O.V.)

When I go to find Silver I literally bump into Natasha and ask her to come along, she comes obviously curious about what I was going to say at breakfast four hours ago.

Steve was about to go to the gym where Silver is currently so when we see him walking across the shed to the hidden door I stop him so we can go in together.

Not hearing any noise from the gym we remember that she has sound proofed it. Opening he door we are greeted by a song that would give most people nightmares, but sing others to sleep.

Тили-тили-бом (Tili Tili Bom)

The first time Silver heard this song she was still Jessica: a scared little girl that wanted her mother.

It was her first night at the first facility she was placed in.

When she wouldn't stop yelling and the guards were planning on going into her cell to beat her until she was quiet.

I had yelled for the girl to be brought to my cell, which the guards had happily obliged assuming that I would make her shut up. Instead I picked her up and started talking to her.

Although I can't remember the words that I had said I know that she started to quiet down. And by the time I finished talking she was just watching me playing with the seams in my metal arm.

I can remember her looking at me and being so quiet that I could barely hear her whisper "can you sing? I can't sleep without a lullaby." She was so quiet back then, before all the testing and torture.

When Silver spoke I stopped thinking of the past and payed attention to the present.

"It's one of my favourite songs. But it will always be my favourite lullaby."

"You were so small on the day I met you. You were just under five years old. And wearing a pink dress."

"I remember that day. I killed a room full of people. And then you picked me up and took me out of that room, holding me and patting my back as you did so." She seemed so happy with her words.

Natasha and Steve watch as we talk. Silver has noticed them but hasn't made the effort to include them into the conversation.

"What do you mean 'I killed a room full of people?' If you weren't even five and in a room full of HYDRA agents how could you kill them all?"

When Steve speaks up Silver contemplates what to tell them.

"I was born with the ability to turn invisible and the ability to control fire. When the agents put me in a room of weapons and told me to throw a knife at the target maybe ten feet away from me I hit the man standing beside it. So I got handed a sword. I turned invisible as did the sword. And all twenty-five soldiers in the room were dead. Until they sent Winter in.

He picked me up and walked me to my cell. And after a few hours of me yelling the guards were threatening to beat me if I didn't shut up. Winter had called for me to be placed in his cell with him. The guards obliged -most likely assuming that he would beat me- and Winter took care of me on that first night. He sang to me and rocked me, while I was sobbing into his shoulder."

"But I've never seen you cry."

"You were wiped a few days later. I guess that memory hasn't come back yet. It's not like it's important anyways."

Watching Steve I nod my head towards her. Slowly he steps towards her and hugs her. It takes her a few seconds until she returns it by even then only for a second before pushing Steve away.

"I don't like physical contact. But thank you for trying to make me feel better."

She turns around and starts to hit the bag again. Reopening any cuts that had the slightest chance of closing.

(Silver's P.O.V.)

Winter and the others had left a few minutes ago. Captain had hugged me only for me to push him away. Widow had not said a single word while they were here. Winter looked pained when I told him he had seen me cry, but only to have the memory be destroyed less than a week later. I had told him that it had been a few days but I had lied. It had been the day after when they found me in his cell with him.

I continued hitting the bag in front of me. The swing of the bag kept me going, it reminded me of the last weeks I spent with Winter inside of HYDRA.

**Flash back thingy**

"Harder! Hit it harder! You are able to hit it hard enough for it to break so do it!"

"Ah!"

Screaming as I hit the bag busting some seems I glance at Winter he nods

"Make her continue until her hands bleed. I need a strong assassin that's not afraid to bleed for the cause."

"Yes sir."

Winter looked at me a mouthed

'I'm sorry' before yelling

"You heard him! Let's go!"

I beat the bag until my hands and shins were covered in my own blood. And when Winter said I could quit I kept going not hearing him.

"Silver. Your going to damage yourself. Stop," I continued. "stop please!"

He grabbed my arm as I was swinging and yelled the last part.

It startled me enough to stop and look at him. He pulled me close and picked me up carrying me to the medics room.

**flashback thingy over**

"You need a new bag. That one has blood in it."

"No shit Sherlock."

"Stark actually. But I'm flattered by that mistake."

"It's not a compliment. I'm trying to be rude." Stopping and turning around "And how did you get in here?"

"Watched the others leave. Came in to see what was in here. So far haven't been disappointed. But the real question is; why are you beating that if most of the sand is on the ground or in your cuts?"

"Because I can."

"That's not an answer."

"Oh it's an answer. Might not be one you like, but it's still an answer."

"Touché. You should get those checked out by Bruce," gesturing to my hands and shins he continues "I doubt he would want them to get infected."

"Well he shouldn't have to worry. They will be fine in a few hours. Probably."

He stays silent for a few moments while tapping on his phone.

"He's on his way."

"Who's on his way?"

"Bruce."

"Banner?"

"Yup. You should clean up now because as soon as he gets here he's gonna make you sit."

"When he gets here to do what?"

"Look at your hands and legs. So hurry before he gets here."

Turning and running down the hall Stark leaves me alone once again.

"Clean up? Why do I have to clean up? It's not like there's a mess or anything."

Taking the bloodied bag down from its hook I work on cleaning the sand up and putting it into a garbage bin.

By the time Banner gets to me I'm hanging another bag up and before I notice him a square up and start hitting the bag, leaving blood on it.

"Thats going to hurt in the morning."

"Nah. It'll be fine."

"Sit down."

Looking over my shoulder I scoff at Banner.

"You don't get to tell me what to do. Only Winter gets to."

Of course Winter walks in as I am saying this "Then sit down."

"James your ruining my fun."

"Stark told me she was still going. Now Silver listen to the doctor and sit the heck down."

I look at him scoff and drop to my butt.

"I meant in the chair over here but that works."

He starts walking towards me making me feel small. Shooting up I sit back down on the dumbbell bench and hold out my hands so Banner could see them.

"Why did you shoot up like that?"

"You were to tall standing above me like that. I don't like feeling small."

Now it's Falcons turn to walk in "That's good to know, and good for my assessment."

"Why don't you and your assessment fly off Falcon?"

"Anger issues."

"No I just don't- what's that?"

Banner had pulled something out of the first aid kit I have. I've never opened it but it's something everyone should have.

"It'll help fight infection. You don't have any allergies right?"

"Nothing that I'm aware of. Or HYDRA is for that matter."

"Good. Sam come here I need some assistance with wrapping these. Like how you would before training."

"I suck at that. Winter? You wanna?"

"Never knew how Sam," Almost taunting me Winter walks out the door only to return with Captain in tow "but he does."

"I can wrap them myself Doctor. I learned how."

"You need to keep your hands still for the next twenty minutes. Steve come here." Banner was in on something judging by the glint in his eyes.

"What am I doing?"

While I had been watching the doc I hadn't noticed America walk up beside me.

"None of us other than her know how to wrap hands. Like how someone would get ready for a fight."

"Yah I can do that. Not that hard. But Bucky I thought you know how, how else would she have learned how to?"

"He didn't teach me. Someone from the H-RR did. I mean I was part of H-RR but mostly HYDRA.

By the time I had finished talking Banner had put peroxide and ointment on my hands and legs while Steve was wrapping my hands.

"Silver. I don't remember what the H-RR is. What is it?"

"It's an acronym, that stands for HYDRA Red-Room."

I couldn't understand why they looked so worried when I said that.

"What?"

"Nothing. But let's go to the house. We all need a talk."