#I was possessed to draw this in like 2 hours or else I was gonna combust

[citricacidprince]

I noticed that their dynamics were so similar… what if they swapped for a bit

As a treat (For Swansea and Daisuke) and a punishment (For Stan and Soos, but also me, because that shit hurted)

Also, bonus doodle under the cut but be wary of Mouthwashing Spoilers!

[theneighborhoodwatch]

Found this welcome theory video that i found interesting: https://youtu.be/9Lz6OcILeSc?si=tcPnCX3QC4JmAyC-

Thoughts :3?

(functional link to video)

i tend to avoid youtube coverage of welcome home because i'm petty, but fuck it, it's a new year and i've never actually heard of this youtuber before. i'll give it a shake. liveblog under the cut:

"y'know if it wasn't for the unsettling mysteries, the feeling that somebody is always watching you, and the mold.... i'd wanna live in the neighborhood" that's exactly why the mold and paranoia's so scary babeyyyy

"update number two" Tch.

i'm less inclined to call the writing in this update character development so much as it is just character establishment. especially since before the july 22nd update (bc that's what this video is about) all we knew about the other neighbors was what the WHRP was willing to tell us. i feel like i'm preaching to the choir though.

ok i laughed at the grindset alpha male howdy joke

"now i wanna move onto eddie bc i wanna make a connection between [eddie and howdy]" :D OH DO YOU NOW.

i do love the energy in this video, very infectious. i too have recommended people welcome home solely on the basis that they would have the hots for eddie and y'know what i haven't been wrong yet.

I WAS GONNA SAY SOMETHING ABOUT HOW LIKE. almost all of the characters have that backstory element of having coming from somewhere else before settling down in home, but i see the point about howdy and eddie specifically dealing with stuff that comes from someplace else as like, an actual job. putting a pin in it.

i'm not Sure how i feel about the idea that the world of home/the world in which home exists is Within our world? pretty much from the beginning i assumed it was running on re:creators/deltarune dark world rules (i.e. it is a world that was born from human thought and its existence is dependent on/influenced by our world, but at the end of the day it does exist on like a separate plane of reality) and i still stand by that. barbieland in barbie 2023 is a more apt comparison though.

"possession route" Tch.

ok actually i can't tch at that because i have talked about it in my own posts. TL;DR: i think possession/haunting theory could work but only if it's anything other than actual literal ghosts. as soon as you try to make it FNAF 2 i sleep.

don't have much to say about Real Poppy Lover Hours except emphatic smiling and nodding. although i will say i have seen people use "oh she's more like a mom/aunt/etc.!" as an excuse to sideline her in fanwork bc for some reason some folks think that her having a motherly personality means that she can't be shipped with anyone? even though all of home's residents are adults who aren't even related to each other? that's a gripe for another post, though.

THE CONCEPT OF SALLY BEING AS BIG AS POPPY IS KILLING ME. I PROMISE SHE'S SMALL SHE JUST HAS A BIGASS HEAD. she would want to be big though wouldn't she.

...actually now i want big sally. note to self to draw that later.

i do like the examination of whether or not sally referring to the audience is meant to mean anything. personally i think it's just a bit of wordplay/red herring action but You Never Know!

i misheard "girlboss bossgirl slay" as "girlboss boygirl slay" for like a split second. still fits tbh.

IT'S FUNNY THAT THEY MENTION THINKING THAT THE WHRP IS A SINGLE PERSON bc i do have an ask about that right after this. i'll save my thoughts for that response though.

it's funny that "was the majority of the gang being some form of queer/disabled/nd/etc. planned in-universe" is a question at all bc at the risk of sounding like an asshole it feels so obvious to me that it very much was not. the interview is definitely playing into those themes though.

"them <3" yeah

again. extremely refreshing to see a welcome home video from someone who actually likes welcome home instead of the clicks that covering it will give them.

BARNABY-SANS COMPARISON IS... DISTRESSINGLY APPROPRIATE.

he always knows when to show up, huh.... huh.... i've been trying to break away from being so self-referential ever since welcome home and consequently this blog blew up but. huh...

do i think he's a service dog? i think to answer that question we would first have to answer the question of whether or not he's even a Dog or just Shaped Like A Dog. the laws of his reality say he is a dog, but we can at least guess that even even those can't be trusted. i think it's possible that he may see himself as in service to wally, that he worries about what will happen if he doesn't butt in, but i don't know if this is an objective truth.

"[wally] being so mysterious i don't think is like, him wanting to be mysterious. [...] there just may not be that much about him." and then relating that to how typically protagonists in puppet shows have more subdued personalities than their co-stars so they can be more relatable to the audience. Teehee. (this is positive)

oh there's something kind of poetic about the idea that each bug video ends bc wally's snapped out of his dissociation by one of his friends calling his name when paired with the idea that he's disassociating in part due to his connection with the audience isn't there. being reminded of one's own personhood through your connections with others, and how that has the potential to become more bittersweet the more wally continues to risk it in the process of regaining a sense of purpose as The Audience Surrogate. oogh. that's just me waxing poetic though.

oooh that whole passage about the idea of remembrance and the pursuit of a "correct" story and tying that back into how welcome home in-universe has been almost universally forgotten and the themes of living as a disabled or mentally ill or queer person. beautiful connection.

"hmmm, how much agency do you have in your life actually" AHEHEHE. HEHEHEHE. HEHE.

conclusion: Good Video. thank you for sending it.

[ikilledamanforthisurl]

who's lila yammerings (i should be asleep

thinking about Who's Lila again and i really do love how the three layers of the mystery as broken down by Flaw Peacock includes kindof commentary to the "all interpretations are equally valid/correct" writing copout that isn't just the opposite statement or a rebuke of it, but also something that ties it all in with the rest of the game's infohazard/memetic properties themes. like yes, broke = all interps are valid + woke = there IS a correct answer as this is a mystery, but also bespoke = the correct interpretation comes from the unconscious mind of all people, a zeitgeist, et cetera.

it can be equally as much of a copout- because break it down, what tf does that imply? that the interpretation that takes us at large is the most correct? so the most popular theories, and that the most widely accepted aspects of the game, are what is true? whichever red herring that turns out to be when it is handed to the public? it can totally be a copout. not for lack of effort or intelligence or artistry, as FP's video is nearly 8 hours for a reason, but also it can be copout. a REALLY COOL copout though. i can't picture of any other story that i know that does this, nor could i think of a better story to do it.

because it's all about the cultural zeitgeist and memetic properties. beliefs and feelings and ideas and superstitions that trend. Lila is the mystery but she is also a demon, she is also a trauma, she is also a metaphor, she is also a delusion, she is all of these things, but above all else she is what YOU hear she is. the most popular, most widely accepted interpretations are what get shared, and spread the furthest. unrelated people hear about it, maybe give these opinions the time of day for a quick read, and Lila has fully cemented herself in those people's brains as that interpretation, even if alllll that information they just took in winds up being dead noise that the brain scraps entirely with time. she WAS there, however fleeting, as is her abiding by her, or the, laws of memetics

and to me, this is the interpretation. but that doesn't change how people at large are viewing her and i certainly wouldn't know better as i haven't bothered looking into it. idk yall im not gonna ask. regardless she is whatever we first thought she was, and unless you dig deeper and find out more, she's infected you thus. just like how the Dada Dog was originally just some guy's silly drawing, but evolved into an alt-right symbol of actual genuine murderers. somebody took the Dada Dog and maybe unintentionally recontexutalised it when putting it next to their personal dangerous rhetoric, and their ilk ate it up like flies to the point that there was nothing left of the Dog but the picked clean, bare bones of its lineart and sombre expression

my best guess are that there are three layers to the current zeitgeist of Lila as well. 1. the unknowing crowd, who have maybe seen a few pictures at most and maybe a little bit of the game, assuming she's a trauma metaphor characterised as a paranormal thing possessing dear William. 2. the initiated, knowing a little more and who may lean towards her being a demon taking advantage of kids with issues. and 3. whoever was insane enough to dig this deep and grasp that she is exactly what we think she is

Conclusion: Poor William

[jodilin65]

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 30, 1998 Couldn’t sleep, so I thought I’d write. Actually, I’m gonna go check my email first. Be right back.

Back just a few minutes later after getting the usual - junk mail from Evie. Why does she send me tons of poems and jokes? The poems are utterly boring and the jokes aren’t one bit funny.

I went through the photo albums and ditched 95% of Art’s pictures and 99% of Dureen’s pictures. I ditched all of Larry’s, except for the big one he’s in with the kids and with Doe and Art. I also have Doe and Art’s big wedding picture and a few others of little Larry and Jen. The freeloaders will be getting a few more for variety’s sake. They’ll be getting a handful of different people. Got rid of Bill’s pictures too.

As I went out to the recycle bin at midnight and heard those fucking dogs going off, it further enhanced my already foul mood, and I figured I’d give them a reason to go off for once. They stopped barking just as I went out there, but then I let out a chilling, blood-curdling scream I didn’t even know I possessed. I screamed long and loud two times. That set them off, alright. How can that bitch sleep to the tune of two dogs going off just a few feet away?! And she must’ve heard me scream, didn’t she? I’ll never know, but it was good to get that scream out, anyway. I mean, these fucking things have been horrendous! They just won’t shut up and they’re right back to their old ways of non-stop barking even after dark.

Later…

Larry just got his final phone call from me. The one where Mary from Microsoft Mouth says “Larry, watch out. You’re a bastard and soon you’ll die.”

I tried to have her tell him he was a fucking asshole, but Mary sounded too computerized on those words. He picked up on the first ring, too. What? Was he waiting up for me? It’s 3:00 in the morning there. Guess the poor bastard must be confused now, cuz if Tammy and Andy and others thought Mary and Brutus were for real, then I guess this little shit will too.

Here we go again. I’m up to 114 pounds and I haven’t shit. Every time I lose weight I don’t shit. The lower my weight, the more constipated I am, cuz my body just doesn’t like to be thin. It does whatever it needs to do to keep that extra weight on. Well, since I’m not shitting today, I took a water pill.

Today was a better day for me emotionally, as I knew it’d be.

Tom did a little more of the roof and now most of the house is safe from the rain they predicted for tomorrow. The tarp is down very securely over the front of the house.

He got me up at 11:30. I was pretty tired and could’ve slept a few more hours. It’s so great to not wake up wheezing, though! Although, I still have congestion most of the time and tightness some of the time.

I noticed Melie’s new look right away. Her hair was a little shorter but still long, and it was straightened. I thought she used the straightening iron. There was just a little bit of wave to it. She said her mom, who does hair, came in from California and did her hair. She doesn’t trust anyone else with her hair, she says. Her hair looks nice, but I liked it best with bangs, but instead, her forehead’s exposed. She didn’t have it up in a headband this time. She had it swept off to the sides. It still looked nice.

I was surprised at her reaction to the card I gave her. She was really impressed with the drawings and seemed to look at them forever. As figured, though, she didn’t open the card with me there. She put it on her counter.

She asked me what I did for Thanksgiving and things like that.

I got a variety of colors this time, too. I got bright yellow, purple, pink, and aqua. I have 10 brackets, so I’ve got 2 yellows, 2 pinks, 3 aquas, and 3 purples.

Then I told her I was ready to do the bottom teeth, and after the doctor checked me, he said I didn’t have to have any teeth pulled. He said the teeth can be brought out and then there’ll be a big enough arc for the teeth to all fit in. Tom was surprised they didn’t take any X-rays.

I jokingly said that I wondered if I’d lose more weight since both of us agreed that it helps with that. She asked if I lost any more. I told her just a couple of pounds and she said she wanted to lose 10 pounds. I told her she was already thin and she said others tell her that, too.

So, she put the spacers in the bottom teeth, and the braces will go on next week.

I think this is the first time I ever had appointments that were just a week apart, three weeks in a row. Hope I can make it there!

Then the week after that comes the kidney test. Yeah, I called Vicki and she called the place where I’ll have both tests done, then called me back. It doesn’t sound like it’s gonna be very fun. I have to get some kind of a prep kit that I think includes an enema. Do you know how sick those things make you?! She said she didn’t know the details of the prep kit, but to go to the place and pick it up before my appointment.

As for the uterus test, she said to call the place when my period starts, cuz they like to do this test 6-10 days after your period.

Tom said it’s no big deal and is still being a wonderful support. Yeah, until he refuses to participate and holds me back. God, I wish to hell they could find what’s wrong with me since I know it’s me that’s got the problem, and therefore not bother testing him! I still wonder if I’m making a mistake and doing this for nothing. Could it be that I was right about Tom’s having control over his cumming and therefore, he’s gonna let himself cum for the test, then go back to his cumming once or twice a year with me? I just don’t know what I’m in for here, but I doubt he’d ever cum again if he knew I was OK. If he almost never cums with me not OK, then he sure as hell won’t with me OK.

A part of me wishes I wanted a kid as bad as I did in 1994-1996. Then again, if I did, that’s all the more hurt I’d have to go through when the end result was no baby, and that’s exactly what it will be.

Anyway, I believe my kidneys are fine, but I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if I were told my uterus is shaped funny.

After seeing Melanie, we went to the bookstore. The guy that’s usually there wasn’t there. Instead, there was an old man who did everything in slow motion. I got $10 off in credit so I got my 8 or 9 books for just $11.

There was a message from Laura wanting to know if I’d heard from Andy. Thanks, Andy. Thanks for telling me she didn’t have access to my number. I don’t want our number given out, I told him on his machine, and especially not to a druggie. Do you know how much drug money she could get if she broke in here while we were out? We’ve got a lot of valuable stuff. This is a hard-core druggie, too, and not just a pothead.

A few hours later Andy left a message while we were out saying he got back in an hour ago and would like to tell me about his trip when we talk live. I’d love to hear about it, I told him in my reply message, and also, since he usually has so much to tell me when we talk and since I don’t get much chance to talk too, I told him of my upcoming tests and plans for bracing the lower teeth. I told him we’ll talk sometime this week.

Anyway, he just left another message saying that Laura came into the house and went into his address book only cuz he was supposed to be back Saturday, so she was worried. Besides, if something happened to him, who’d call me? He’s got a point, as I replied to him, and there’s been no harm done. Also, I figured he’d be late due to the shitty weather we had, but if he wasn’t back by today, I’d have been worried, too.

Till next month!

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 29, 1998 I have a zillion things to write about, and most of it is not very cool.

Let me start with the freeloaders. I was right again about them. Well, we were right about them. There hasn’t been any significant trouble yet, but next weekend or the weekend after, around the freeloader’s birthday, there will be.

Yesterday I was thinking about how they must be dying to give us noise right back and would prefer to wait till we were done but were probably getting too impatient to wait much longer. Well, they did just what I knew they’d do at some point over the next few weekends. I mean, it’s quite a coincidence that that hoop, which hasn’t been used in months, was finally used after Tom’s been banging about for a couple of weeks. They couldn’t be more obvious than they were today, although it was for under 15 minutes. Tom was right, though, when he said, “Don’t bother being noisy, cuz it’ll never bother them. It’ll just make them noisier just because it’s you that’s being noisy.” Today proved him right. They just can’t stand to be left out. Such attention we crave! I knew they couldn’t handle hearing from us without wanting to be heard right back. I’m not stupid as far as these people are concerned. I know exactly what they’re up to and why. I know how, where, and everything that makes them tick. I know their MO, etc.

Yesterday, the white car visited, but that was it. Today, as figured, the cock was here. Tom said he saw the bitch hanging out clothes all day. I’m sure the cock showed up for a piece of that line, as well as a piece of her ass. I didn’t see the white car pull up, but as I stepped up to the living room window, I saw a tall, skinny woman freeloader get out of the car with a baby in a bassinet and a couple of other kids. None over 8-10 years old. It looked like two girl freeloaders, plus a newborn.

Not quite. Next thing I know I hear a ball bouncing along with Tom’s nail gun. He worked at their side of the house today. This no doubt pissed her off and she went and called these people over, but there weren’t just 3 kids. More like 5 at the very least. There were two black boys playing ball (I saw the cock move its car into the carport).

Fucking, mother-fucking freeloaders! Slam, slam, slam! That’s all I’ve been hearing. I thought something fell on the roof and that I was done with next door’s shit till next weekend, but nope. In comes the freeloader. It’s getting its clothes, I guess, but I still fear this thing may be on the verge of moving back in. It’s just coming around way too much. Well like I said, if it does, it’s outa here. Same goes for its bitch. We’ll never be neighbors again, cock, never! Hear me, cock? Never!

Anyway, as I was saying till I was rudely distracted, the two black boys, who were about 5 and could’ve been twins, played ball for a few minutes, then left in the white car. All that just to be heard back, huh Joebitch? God, we’re getting rather desperate here, aren’t we?! These boys were cute, though, Tom said, asking him if he was building this house and if he lived here. I asked if any adults knew the boys talked to him and he said he didn’t care. I’m surprised she didn’t yell up to him, “Shut up! Shut up! I’m sick of your shit. Don’t you be talking to no one here or I’ll have you served, ho!” She’s damn lucky she didn’t, though, cuz that would’ve sent me flying over there. I’m sure she did know and that that’s why the game was so short and why they left. Initially, she was probably hoping they’d play for hours. That’s what I thought they’d do too, but they will when he’s off the roof. Next weekend or the weekend after, there’ll be hours’ worth of ball games and probably some music too, and remember, Mistake’s birthday’s coming up. I think it’s the 14th.

I just know they’re gonna cause trouble as far as noise goes and it’ll be in the near future, too. The question is, this time around, do I want to go over there and beat the shit out of them? Do I want to give them noise right back (and that includes in the middle of the night)? Or do I want to have the city evict them?

freeloader’s still here. Damn! I just want this thing outa here! Its presence is really making me nervous. It came around the back of the car, jumped up and grabbed the hoop and swung off it (too bad it didn’t break the hoop), then it got stuff out of the backseat of its car. It looks like some of it could be for the mistake too, and that worries me. There’s no U-Haul as of yet, but it moved in little by little the last time and it brought stuff for the mistake, no doubt to impress the bitch and butter her up into letting it stay with her.

It was wearing a beanie-type cap. One that’s longer than a beanie. Tom told me that’s an Islamic religious cap. Islamic? Aren’t those things pretty fucked up? You ever notice that so many freeloaders are into religion? It’s obvious why. They do it as a cover for their sins/faults/mistakes and as an excuse to keep on doing them. Some people think that they can do all the wrong they want and get away with it if they just say, “God. I’m sorry.” Take a bank robber, for example. If that robber was told that all he had to do to get out of going to prison after a robbery was say, “I’m sorry,” and that’s it, it’d keep on robbing. The freeloaders see it that way, too. They think they can harass people like me and not give a fuck about anyone but themselves, as long as they go to church every Sunday and apologize for it.

Yeah! freeloader’s gone. Now stay the fuck away, you piece of motherfucking scum shit!! You ain’t wanted here, dickwad!

The dog across the street continues to not be a problem so far.

Later…

Fuck! Here we go again! I just heard a really loud slam that could be felt as well as heard over this loud fan. I could tell it parked in the carport too (probably hauling over more of its shit), where its slamming would echo off the walls. All I can see is the very rear end of the car, but you know what? I can’t really say for sure in the dark that it’s the cock’s car. I think it’s a white car. Even so, how long is the payback gonna be? How long am I gonna have to listen to them deliberately slam doors really loud? Can’t this bitch see that there’s a difference between someone working on their house and generating noise cuz they have to in order to fix their fucking roof, and someone deliberately trying to get your attention and get you to notice and acknowledge them and their existence and harass you? When are they gonna grow up and cut the immature shit? Enough’s enough! This shit’s getting fucking old. Keep it up bitch and company and you’re gone!

Karma. The idea of it would normally give me peace of mind, but not with these people. Why is it that somehow, I feel God’s gonna let them get away with the shit they’ve given me? Well, it’s sad but true, that what goes around doesn’t always come around. Not for everyone. God has different rules for different folks.

Anyway, this bitch doesn’t typically have company at 6:30 on a Sunday night, but I wonder if this car is gonna be here overnight since it’s parked halfway into the carport. I doubt it. I think it only went in just enough to enhance the slamming of the car door, but if it’s still here in a few hours, I’ll step just outside the front door and see what car it is.

It’s early evening, so the collies are going at it. They’ve been going at it for over an hour. I can hear them whenever I go into the bathroom, but for another hour or so, I’ll have the air cleaner on in the living room where I am now. I absolutely cannot believe that no one’s either shot these beasts or complained. Maybe they did complain but found that it didn’t do them any good.

Now let me back up to yesterday morning. Due to the rain they predicted, Tom got plastic sheeting and put it on the roof. He used some of the bricks that have been sitting at the side of the house to weigh them down.

I was thrilled that I’d gotten myself on days and would have no problems getting to my appointment.

Late yesterday morning, we screwed, then he used the dumbest, lamest, senseless excuse I ever heard! No, not the “I’m sick,” “I’m tired,” “I’m too sore,” “I’m too hot” lines, but the “I’m too horny to cum” line. That is the stupidest thing I ever heard! I mean, how can one be too horny to cum? That’s like saying you’re too thirsty for a drink, or too dirty for a shower, or too hungry for food. If he can’t tell me he just doesn’t want to cum, he’s gotta do better than this, but that’s the thing with him, he thinks he can boldly lie/deny the obvious. As long as he knows you can’t literally prove him a liar, he’ll tell you the sky’s green if he wants to. He’ll tell you the grass is pink. Anything he wants to bullshit you on, he’ll so boldly and daringly do so, no matter how off the wall it is, and no matter how wrong you know he is.

I haven’t exactly spilled the beans on him (not that it’d do me any good) and told him I know he’s only cum once since last April, but I did tell him that I didn’t see how we’d have the time to do any “testing” if we were told to screw 10 days in a row. Not with our schedules and busyness. Besides, what good’s it gonna do me with a guy who refuses to cum? I really feel I’m just wasting my time here and thank fucking God I don’t want a kid. I’d never get pregnant by this guy. If I were fixed, this poor, terrified guy will never cum again! Not with me, he won’t. A part of me feels guilty, too. I mean, he’s willing to sacrifice cumming altogether (at least with his wife), just so I can be fixed and be normal and have a full bag of rights as a woman. Well, it’s his choice, but how can he have the nerve to look me in the eye, after telling me not to make excuses to back out of this thing, and tell me he is going to do his part of the testing? Yeah, right! Like hell he is! Which is it - is he delusional into thinking he can really squirt for testing? Or is he that much of a bold liar who’ll knowingly and intentionally lie to my face like that with no empathy, no guilt, no remorse, and with no plans whatsoever to let them have even a drop of his cum? I just wish I knew what I was in for! Am I making a huge mistake that I’ll live to really, really regret? Or does he know something I don’t? Something like how he plans to let them have his cum for testing’s sake, then will make sure none of it gets inside me if I get fixed? Well, I always knew he was in full control of his cumming, so we’ll just have to wait and see what he does.

Now for the worst thing that happened since I last wrote. Curses come and go in waves. Right now, the coast is clear, thank fucking God! Ironically, this shit went down right as I noticed I hit an all-time low of 111 pounds. Coincidence? Or was it compensation for what happened last night? What happened? Oh, just the usual shit battling with that fucking roof. I swear I wanted to sell out right then and there and just go into an apartment till we can move to where we want to be, or sell out now and move to where we want to be, but take our dumpy furniture with us and forget about using the sale money of this house to buy newer, nicer furniture. I’m soooooo fucking sick of this shit!! I need a fucking roof over my head and I just want us to have a life! Is that too much to ask for? Of course it is!

Anyway, the nature of the desert is, is that if it rains here, it’s usually in the morning or at night. It rained in the morning but was clear from 11 AM-10:30 PM. Amazingly, the morning rain did not leak in here at all.

I was pissed at myself for falling asleep too early and for getting up at 8:30 PM, which would mean I’d have to stay up at least 18-20 hours before I could go to sleep and not get up too early. Well, I couldn’t have slept a couple more hours if I wanted to. At 10:30 I was lying in bed when I heard a crash overhead. I thought it was Tom making sure the tarp was covering things well, but nope. It wasn’t him. It was the bricks falling. That’s how windy it was out, and it rained real hard, too.

So Tom went back on the roof and weighed the tarp down with bags of shingles that weigh 70 pounds, but not without it leaking in the bedroom, the bedroom closet, and the music room first, and not without him nearly getting blown off the roof. No water came down into the music room. Just the ceiling got wet, cuz the stupid male fucks that put in our AC didn’t connect it to the roof very well. I cussed them out on their machine for it (after blocking this number), not cuz it’d change how they work, not cuz we don’t have to repaint all the walls and ceilings anyway, but cuz I was in a foul mood and have been all weekend. Tomorrow should be better, though. Gonna see Melie and maybe stop at the bookstore.

I expressed a vibe I had to Tom about waking up to water leaking on my face. He said that that’d be extremely unlikely. That’s what makes it likely. The fact that it’s not likely. If it’s unique, odd, different, abnormal, fluky, freaky, uncommon, unlikely, etc., it’s me. Anyway, I was close. I was already up, and the leak was at the foot of the bed. Fortunately, though, only a few drops came down through a crack in the plaster, but the closet got hit worse and it stinks in there. It stinks of mildew everywhere and I had to spray a disinfectant all over but thank God it was just my typed journals that got wet. They may have dried up OK. I didn’t check, but we covered my dolls, the stereos, the TV, VCR, and computer stuff with plastic.

Anyway, this whole ordeal was humiliating, frustrating, and even scary, cuz I just didn’t know if it was gonna cause sparks to come shooting from plugs or what.

I was also infuriated with that bitch next door and all I wanted to do was go over there, walk it over here by the nape of its neck, and show it how we live and how at 33 and 41, we’re still struggling and we’re still trying to get ahead. Meanwhile, this bitch uses her kid to get the city to cater to her for free. I could’ve beaten that bitch to a bloody pulp yesterday!

So the rain and wind stopped, the leaks stopped dripping, then Tom went out and made a $600 investment. He bought a compressor, a nail gun, and many other tools, gadgets, and accessories that came in a kit.

As of yesterday, only the back room and garage were done, but now he’s gotten towards the middle of the house done and says he could’ve gotten 75% of it done if he didn’t have to work tonight. He said the nail gun makes it three times as fast.

Miraculously, I fell back asleep from 5 AM-10 AM when Tom woke me up.

What? If this is the white car, is that woman and her 500 kids moving in? It’s like, yo bitch! Wake up and face reality. Hello! You can’t do this if you don’t want to lose that house, you dumbfuck cunt!

On the other hand, I’d say this car will eventually leave cuz the front porch light is on. Usually, you turn it on for the visitors you expect and leave it on till after they leave. God, I hate living next to druggies! Fucking traffic in and out and in and out as their fucking buyers and suppliers come and go like bumper cars at a carnival.

Surprisingly, I haven’t heard from Andy this weekend. I thought he was due back last night, but as Tom said, they might’ve taken an extra day or two cuz of the weather.

You know what’s sad about Andy? I mean really, really sad? He wanted to get fired as much as he did, and he’ll keep on doing it probably for the rest of his life. He’s gonna set out to deliberately get fired over and over again. When he comes back, he’ll stop or cut down the pot, get a job, then make sure he gets fired in a week, then use that as an excuse to get stoned. Why? Why is he so scared to decide whether or not he wants to keep certain jobs? Why does he want the decision made for him? I mean, why doesn’t he just ask to be fired in a week the day he goes in for a job interview that looks promising? He might as well.

Now for the last subject I wanted to cover. Tammy left a message yesterday sounding happy and even younger, saying that all was great with her, Mark, and the girls.

So I called her back today. First she told me she was really busy, cuz she refinanced the house and got $4,000 in new furniture, and that Mark was remodeling with her.

Also, Larry’s causing trouble again. Yeah, it fucking figures. I knew he’d be up to his old shit sooner or later. He or Dureen or Art. And what makes it even sicker is that they use Tammy’s kids to get at her.

Larry, you sick little fuck! If I could be there for just 5 minutes! Just 5 minutes with you, boy! Aaaarrrrrrrghhhhhh! No words could express just how much I’d like to slaughter this sick fuck! Now I see why there is so much violence and murder in families. It’s so easy to resort to and sometimes it’s the only solution. I mean, I totally disagree with those that say violence is no solution. Sometimes it isn’t, but sometimes it is, and I can see myself easily killing a handful of so-called “family” members if they were here in this room with me. It’d be no problem, and if I didn’t kill them, they’d wish to hell I did cuz they’d be hurting that bad.

Larry’s right - Tammy’s a shit mom, and I do believe he really did have the best interests of the kids at heart when he called the state (along with doing it to spite Tammy no doubt at the urging of Dureen and Art), but it takes a lot of balls to call the state on someone, then turn around and call the house to talk to her kids! I guess this happened when Tammy was out, but he called to talk to the kids. He does like Lisa and the sicko’s trying to replace Larry with Lisa, but it was mostly to spite Tammy. Not to talk to the kids for the sake of caring about them.

Tammy said something about contacting the police about his calling there, but why doesn’t she change her number or get Caller ID?

Anyway, it really pissed me the fuck off that I called his house, but Sandy answered. I hung up the first time around, but the second time she answered, I began to tell her what I’d do to her husband if he didn’t cut all contact with the girls, but as I should’ve known, she hung up. Then I tried Larry’s business number, but that was disconnected. Then I tried Doe and Art, but that too, was disconnected. I should’ve known that bitch would go to such extremes. If she could change her email address, of course she’d change her number. Did she move again too?

So I thought about forcing Larry to change his number by pranking him in a non-traceable way, by just letting it ring a half a second, then hanging up, and back and forth, but I realized it wouldn’t do me any good. For him to change his work number, but not his home number, tells me something. He wants Lisa to be able to get through somehow. I really feel sorry for that girl if she’s still in touch with him! He’s just gonna hurt her, but sometimes kids have to learn the hard way. So be it then.

What I did end up doing was calling his local police department, telling them he was making harassing phone calls to me, and to please talk to him. The guy I spoke to said someone would call him, and he took down his address too, but I doubt he did call him. Then again, maybe he did, cuz I’d think that Larry would’ve called here by now if it weren’t for my complaint. The reason I did this, is to let his police department be aware of the fact that he’s trouble, so it’ll hopefully prevent him from pulling any shit on me in the future and maybe from pulling anymore on Tammy. If he did, he wouldn’t look very good with my complaint I phoned in. They keep a log of this shit. It’ll also hopefully send a message to this fuck that if he fucks with us, there’ll be consequences for it.

Someday, sooner or later, as it’s inevitably bound to be, Doe, Art, and Larry will all fuck each other over yet again, and what’ll probably be the last time, then Larry will go back to having no one on his side of the family, and Doe and Art will have no kids. Yeah, they know how to lose them one by one. Still, I wish I had been an only child! Think how much worse it’d have been if there were 6 of us! That’s a terrifying thought.

Later…

The dogs are still going off in spurts and the white car’s still here. It’s the white car for sure, too.

I just called info to see if there was a number listed for Larry’s business. I called the number I was given but didn’t get the machine I hoped to get. Instead, an older woman answered. She just said hello and sounded groggy, so maybe it wasn’t his business number, but I don’t know.

I’ve got to stop this! I’ve got to stop letting myself get so pissed off over these people! Giving them a piece of my mind won’t do shit, and they’re in the past. As I told Tom, this may sound selfish, but a part of me is seriously contemplating not giving Tammy our new address/number when we move and just walking away. She’s still too closely connected to Bill and Larry, although I know she doesn’t want to be. It’s just that every other time we talk, she tells me something about Bill or Larry that infuriates me, and I need to get away from this shit. I need to put my old experiences/memories/emotions to rest and get on with life, but I feel like my connection to Tammy keeps rekindling the past. It keeps the emotions alive and it’s not good for me. I deserve much more and much better than this in this day and age.

Later…

The white car left at 9:05. Right around Joebitch’s bedtime.

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 28, 1998 I’m in great shape schedule-wise for my appointment and for the next few days of roofing (although we don’t know if he’ll be able to work today cuz of the weather. It’s cloudy, but it hasn’t rained yet). I took a Benadryl at 7 PM and was in bed for the most part until I fell asleep. I slept from 9 PM-2 AM.

Marla replied to me saying she was happy I was going for testing and that with today’s technology, I have every reason to believe I can have a kid.

Not if my husband won’t cum. If he’s scared to cum with me sterile, he’s gonna be absolutely petrified to cum with me fixed, if they can fix me. I’ve decided also that yes, I’m gonna leave it in God’s hands should they fix me. Well, God’s and Tom’s, so to speak. I still firmly believe, I firmly know, God and Tom together wouldn’t let me get pregnant. I know what’s meant to be and what’s not as far as a kid goes, I just hope I never want one as bad as I used to ever again.

Then Marla said her bubble deflated when she read what I wrote about Andy’s getting fired and getting high. Yeah well, what else is new? After doing this since he was about 20, maybe he likes this. Maybe this is what he wants and maybe it’s what he strives for.

Another thing I hope I don’t ever go back to is wishing I could have sex regularly with my husband. Not a chance with this guy! Yet he says he’s not sore or tired. If he’s not sore or tired, and if he’s supposed to be horny all the time, then why doesn’t he want me? He can’t help how he feels, although just the other day he made a contradictory statement saying the roofing was catching up to him and he needs to hurry up and finish. Anyway, I guess we’ll get together next on my birthday, but I just hope I don’t have any irritation!

As far as my decision to let God decide what’s best for us should I get fixed, well, I’m sorry if I went into Never-Never Land there for a minute, cuz there is no fixing me. And even if there was, we’re not going to get that far. As soon as we test Tom, it’s over. It’s inevitable - and I can see how this will play out - that I call it quits as soon as he proves himself to be the liar he is when it comes to this subject and doesn’t do as he promised.

Enough of the kid, sex, and lies shit, and onto the weight. Once again, 112 pounds is as low as my body can go without many days of starving. I gained a pound in my sleep due to not shitting. Every time my body gets down to 112-113, it doesn’t shit so it can reset itself back to 115 at least. I wonder why it is that my body doesn’t want to get under 112? I guess it’s just not healthy in this day and age. Typically, a body won’t gain/lose weight if it doesn’t want to and if it doesn’t feel comfortable doing so. I’ve got two days’ worth of food in me since my body won’t shit and I have a feeling that as long as I don’t eat, it won’t shit till my body’s back to 115 first. Well, maybe I’ll help it back up there later so I can shit.

Tom downloaded a dictionary for me but hasn’t checked it out yet to see if it’s any good.

Yesterday I helped Tom by cutting shingles. I used a hook razor that really made the job a lot easier. I didn’t like getting bits and pieces of fiberglass stuck in my hands, though.

Tom stapled down the tarp, too. That’ll be a real pisser and a real curse from God if it rains today when it hardly ever rains on a weekend to begin with, and when he’s well-rested and has the whole day and night free. He only has to go in a couple of hours like he always does at the end of the month, but he can go in any time he wants. Meanwhile, when he has to work a long shift and is beat, the sun will be shining.

The cock was here for what seemed to be all day yesterday. I don’t know if he was watching Mistake all day, or if Miss Bitch was there all day, but she didn’t work. Neither did the city, so that’s why the cock was parked in the driveway, too. Most people don’t work the day after Thanksgiving. I had forgotten about that.

Anyway, the cock left at 6 PM without a bang. Shortly after, in came the pearl van. I only heard a door slam, but Tom said he heard a honk too. I don’t doubt it. Then after a while, I noticed a white car parked on the street, which left at 9:00. I was asleep when the pearl van left, so I don’t know if it gave off a little 30-second concert or not, although it wouldn’t surprise me. The people in the pearl van are the rebellious type who’ll risk Joebitch’s tenancy just to go against me and spite me. Same with the aqua-colored car. Haven’t seen that one for several weeks now, so I’m sure that I’m due for a visit from it anytime now. I’ll bet they’re just itching for Tom to hurry up and finish the roof cuz they’re dying to be heard right back!

What is it with this bitch and all this company? This is the cock’s department, I thought. There was only company like this when he was in the picture, but for the first time since she’s been on her own, she’s a company freak just like he was/is. What? Is she that desperate, insecure, and afraid to be alone, or what? Can’t she take just one day off from going out and having visitors?

Later…

OK, I’m back to 115 pounds. I had a TV dinner, but still don’t feel like I’m gonna shit, so I decided that I either shit or take a water pill. I can’t keep letting these extra pounds accumulate, cuz then it’s harder to get around. So, since I can’t shit, I went for the water pill. I knew that if I didn’t shit or take a water pill, I’d end up around 118. God, all the slavery I go through just to stay at 115! Is it really worth it? Why do I keep depriving myself of the extra food and pounds my body needs? Maybe I should give myself a set number of months that I’ll continue with the hard work and hunger that goes into staying at 115, then let myself go, and eat when I’m hungry and let my body gain whatever it feels it wants/needs to.

Later…

Tom thinks that the bitch’s company, along with the bitch itself, was showing each other what Christmas presents they got yesterday. With money the bitch isn’t even supposed to have? I don’t know if they went Christmas shopping or not yesterday, but I highly doubt she and her company were drinking sodas and playing cards. I’m sure they all got stoned.

As for the weather - the clouds out there do look nasty, but they’re moving fast. Tom says that now the current report says it’s to rain today, tomorrow, and Tuesday. I highly doubt that. First off, they always hype things up, and secondly, it just doesn’t rain on weekends here and if it does, it does it in the morning or the evening, so I still say he’ll be able to work today and tomorrow. If it rains all day today, I’ll swear God only had it rain cuz he was doing the roof! If he weren’t doing the roof, it’d be a typical sunny Saturday. Still, the tarp’s down and he’ll only lift up the sections he’ll be working on. The garage and most of the back room are done. He’s gonna finish the back room, then do the music room, bathroom, and kitchen which is in the middle of the house. Lastly, he’ll do the front which is the bedroom and the living room.

Who will come to see the bitch today? Gee, let me guess - someone in a white car and a gray car? Cock and sis.

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 27, 1998 I managed to sleep from 5 AM to noon. At 9 PM I'll take a Benadryl to help keep my schedule from going too far forward, although I may need two tonight because I'm getting kind of immune to the stuff again.

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 26, 1998 Tom was up when I got up at 5:30. He had been asleep, but the phone woke him up. He said he didn’t know why it woke him up, though. That’s a first.

I was just in the music room when I heard something that I thought was coming from the bedroom, then thought it was from the freeloaders' carport just outside that window, but now I don’t know. Maybe it was from the roof. Maybe the cat nudged a tool up there or something. I looked in the carport and didn’t see anything, though.

Later…

I just remembered something. Well, as I suggested to Tom, I hate to see him spend money on God knows what on the 4th (Red Lobster or miniature golf). So, why don’t we just consider the lollipop doll as both my birthday and Christmas present, then I’ll get Edie with any birthday money I may get from Mom. If mom doesn’t send any birthday money, I’ll save enough money in my piggy bank for her. Then I remembered the Christmas money. She typically gives money for Christmas. If she does, it’ll be at least $50 each, so I’ll be getting another doll with that if I do. So maybe I’ll be getting 4 more dolls instead of 3. Another few weeks and Patrice should be here. Hopefully, we can go to the bookstore and the doll store on the 4th, though.

Later…

I was right about the freeloaders. No shit from them today. The bitch was picked up early in the white car, and the cock was here for a while, but that’s it.

I wasn’t right on when, but I was so right about the roofing being harder than Tom envisioned and taking much longer than he could initially see. He’s having a miserable time with that fucking roof. The shingles require so many nails and just don’t cover as much space as he thought they would, cuz they need to overlap by 6” or so. So, he may have another 1-3 weeks’ worth of work to do, and he’ll be getting tarps to staple down to protect us from the rain we’re supposed to get this weekend. Of all the weekends it has to rain in Arizona, it just had to be this one, huh? What? Does God want him to work on the roof only when he has to work at the bank all fucking night, too? Yeah, this naturally has me furious with God. It’s like - thanks, God! Thanks for treating my husband like shit and for running him ragged like this for no reason. He doesn’t deserve this shit. He needs to have a life. We have too much other shit that’s gotta be done. He can’t keep dealing with this fucking roofing shit week after week after week. It’s like God has no mercy or empathy for this man, he won’t help him help us, and what’s the point of not having a kid if we can’t have a life? The purpose of not having a kid (one of them) is so that we can live life and do things, yet we don’t even have a life. The Chanukah shirts can be forgotten about, the library, the things we were gonna do on the 4th, and the other household projects that need to be done before we can move. All this is gonna have to be put on hold.

First, I had to worry that Marge was gonna kill him and now I worry about God. It’s like something up there really, really really does want him to be constantly tied up in shit. There’s no doubt about that, but I knew this years ago. I don’t know how he can delusion himself by thinking he could’ve had time for a kid, any more than that I could’ve handled it.

What I did amazingly handle was sleeping through his banging all day. Not smoking really helps and yes, it is better to be fat, look like shit, and feel good, rather than to wheeze, have a racy heart, and look good. He did wake me up 2-3 times throughout the day, but I just went right back to sleep. I still need to push my schedule up by at least 8 hours before I can comfortably see Melanie.

I asked Tom why he couldn’t go to his mother and say look, you’ve got the resources and funds available, so get some people in to help me for once, but he said we’re too deep into the project to call for help now.

Sex is gonna have to wait another week or two, and it’s not that I miss it cuz you know I prefer sex with the vibrator over sex with him, but I worry that this is gonna bring on another round of irritation. At least there’s stuff for that, though.

Tom told me he saw the dog across the street, and I was like - what?! He’s seen it and I haven’t heard it?! How can that be? Well, it turns out that this dog’s a really small dog and it’s kept indoors. Indoors!! Can you believe it?! Indoors! Well, at least that’s what appears to be the case so far, anyway. He said he saw it run out of the house as adults were standing around talking out front. He said he could hear country music coming from their house. He said the little girl across the street was playing with the collie kids. Every kid within a 5-mile radius plays with those kids.

I still can’t believe that we’re about to hit December and still, no one’s played ball at the freeloaders!! So this tells me that yes, she’s under the false, but wonderful impression that part of my shut-up-or-get-evicted deal with the city means that there must be no ball games either. Well, in a sense she’s right. I won’t stand for hours of ball-bouncing every week. No one that has houses all around them just a few feet away should be playing ball, anyway, any more than they should be leaving dogs out all day and all night.

Not that Tom would’ve obliged, but no one came out and told him to shut up and give them a peaceful Thanksgiving. Well, most others around here are anything but peaceful themselves between their music, dogs, and screaming kids. And I’m not surprised the people in the collie house stayed here all day, either. These people are just like the Ms were. They never go anywhere.

I wondered if this was the first potential obstacle as far as the testing goes and if God was thinking about sending me messages about him not agreeing with what I’m doing, but Tom said we’ve come this far, so let’s just get the kidney and uterus tests done. He said kidneys are important, and if we find out the uterus’s shape is bad (I vibe it could very well be bad, too) then we’ll know that’s the problem, and that’ll eliminate us having to bother with other tests.

It’s easy for me to say, let’s put the testing on hold till after we’ve moved and after we’ve built our dream house, which will take a few years, but nah. There’ll just be something else going on at that time. I’m wondering if this will ever fit into our lives and if God ever wants me to have any answers.

Later…

Gotta get Tom up in a few, but meanwhile, I was thinking of taking Benadryl to hopefully take a nap. That might push my schedule if I split up my sleeping, so I can end up being up during the next few days.

Later…

Maybe the collies have finally shut up. They went on and on and on. The people there probably had a shitload of company. Again, the people there are also very very lucky that we’re moving. But will it still be in June? I don’t know. If the roof can drag on this long and if so, many other things can too, what’s to say we won’t be able to move till 2002? As we get closer to June, we’ll see how my vibes are, cuz that’ll tell me more.

El cocko came in at 9:30 and I assume it picked its bitch up. It was too dark to be certain it was his car, but I’d guess it was. Its engine starting up didn’t sound like Bill’s and it definitely wasn’t a white car. I heard some familiar sounds that I didn’t like, though. I didn’t like those “packing” sounds I heard. These are the same sounds I’d heard when it’d come and go in the past. This took place over a course of 10 minutes or so. Now, how much fucking turkey can you unpack? I doubt it was turkey, and I wonder if he’s slowly bringing his stuff back, but freeloader beware! You step foot back here and so help you fucking God, you’re outa here! I’ll turn right around and contact the city and this time, I just may take it a step or two further than that.

This is the plan - to take a Benadryl at around 3 AM and sleep till around 9 AM when Tom comes home and starts banging away. Today he’ll be banging away over the bedroom, too. If I can sleep till around 9 AM, then I won’t go to sleep again till between 1:00-3:00 AM and will then be on days. If not, then I’ll just try to stay up as late as I can and I’ll just have my sleep dragged out longer than usual due to both his hammering and the Benadryl. Benadryl tends to put you out longer than usual, and if I’m sleeping on and off all day cuz of his hammering, that ought to help push my schedule. Tom says not to worry and that getting to my Monday appointment is a done deal.

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 25, 1998 Well, that’s the first time I ever shit after taking a water pill the previous day.

The mailman was kind enough to let me have my doll catalog, after all, which came today. Tom said we’ll have to order the Sunshine and Lollipops doll, cuz her molds have been broken so time’s running out. I didn’t even notice that until he pointed it out. Well, she has been around for a while, so I’m not surprised. Rapunzel’s been around for a while too, so I’ll bet her time’s running out.

Summer Dream definitely has the best dress, but Winter Romance has the best face. Spring Promise and Autumn Reflection are just so-so overall.

I asked Alex to send a blank email to my mom as I was curious to see if she changed the name again. If he did what I told him to do, then according to him, there’s no such user. I’m not surprised.

Tom still thinks I would’ve not only been a good mom but would’ve been able to stand it physically. He thinks I’m a night person cuz Doe was when I was little. Yeah, I remember hearing her TV till really late at night on the other side of the wall. Sometimes the things I’d hear would scare me, too, when I’d hear screaming or scary music on the TV. Anyway, I told him Tammy’s always been a day person, and he said that at that time, what with Larry just a few years older, she probably was more on days. He feels that babies can adapt to their mothers and that mothers can adapt to them, and I’m flattered he has all this faith in me, but I don’t. I also know what’s in my cards and what’s not as far as that goes and I just thank God that I’m OK with it, as I have been for about a year now. 1998’s gotta be the best year of my life so far for moods and emotions. I got fat and I’ll always be fat, but I’ve had so much more happiness and peace. Things have been fairly quiet around here save for the fucking collies, I haven’t had constant bouts of depression over being sterile, so it’s great. I don’t miss all those depressing, frustrating crying spells!

I still haven’t seen Measles, and that one time I saw White Paws was the only time I’ve seen her since she disappeared. I wonder where she stays and why she and Mama Cat don’t come around at least once a day anymore. Can’t complain, though.

They haven’t moved in across the street yet, either. It’s too quiet and I don’t hear a dog.

I looked online but had no luck finding a dictionary. Not only would it be nice to have on the computer something that checks spelling for me, but it’d also be nice to have something that tells me what words mean.

Andy’s leaving for California early in the morning and he’ll be back Saturday. That’ll be good for him and that’ll give me a break from his calls for a few days. In his last message to me, he never mentioned my letter. I hope he gets it if he hasn’t yet, and that his mailman’s not like ours.

I don’t have a bad vibe for Turkey Day tomorrow, as far as next door goes. If they’re gonna be here tomorrow, which I don’t sense, then they’ll be hearing us, cuz Tom’s gotta get the roofing done by Saturday. They say it’s to rain this weekend, but I doubt it. I doubt it cuz most of the time they say it’s gonna rain it doesn’t, and cuz it almost never rains on weekends here. Well, I just hope to hell he gets it done before it rains and gets it done fast. I’m so sick of roofing, roofing, roofing, roofing!! It’s really getting to be a very old subject and I just want us to be able to get on with our lives for a week or two, till the next big project comes up, like other people’s computers, although God knows we have enough shit of our own to do. I’m just really goddamn tired of this roofing ordeal. He’s gonna have to be pounding away during my bedtime too, but it’s a lot easier for me to fall asleep to the sound of something than to already be asleep when it starts. Besides, I know what’s going on and it’s not someone deliberately trying to wake me up and piss me off, so I’ll survive just fine. Not smoking, and therefore not wheezing, helps a lot too.

There is the chance that my vibe’s wrong and next door has a big party here and acts like the fucking assholes they did on Easter by playing a 3-hour ballgame to join into our noise and give it right back, but I doubt it. I really think they’re gonna wait till after he’s done and after they see the dumpster’s gone.

Speaking of the freeloader, Bill just dropped the bitch off.

I decided it’d be nice if I listed the title and author of the books I’m reading. Well, yesterday I began a book by Patricia Wallace called Twice Blessed. I read 100 pages yesterday and intend to read more today.

My period’s starting. Why a week early, though?

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 24, 1998 Although I didn’t sleep too well last night, I still have that good, positive vibe I had all day yesterday (and I vibe a peaceful Thanksgiving too). I woke up 4 hours after crashing and had to take a Benadryl to fall back asleep as tired as I was, then I woke up several times in between till I got up at 2:30 to stay. I’d like to flip my schedule forward at least 12 hours, but with this fucking roofing ordeal, who knows? I’m starting to feel like this damn roof will never be done! It’s hard for him to balance roofing time with his regular job.

There’s a city van in front of the freeloader’s house. I wonder what they’re doing. I also wonder how they feel about finding Bill there again, and I know this isn’t the first time they’ve found him there. Meaning, do they suspect he lives there?

I like having Bill here in the daytime. It keeps people away from the basketball hoop, and I don’t have to worry about being blamed if their house gets broken into. However, one can blame me for anything they want to cuz if I didn’t do it, I didn’t do it.

Later…

Just had some grapefruit. I’ve heard of people going on grapefruit diets where they have nothing but grapefruit, but I’m getting so sick of working so hard to stay at 115 pounds and going hungry so much of the time. Once again, for the millionth time, I’m thinking of just letting myself go. This isn’t natural. You need to eat more at this age and be heavier. My body’s crying out for more food and for a good 10-20 more pounds. I look like shit at 115 anyway, so does it really matter if I gain weight? I just won’t be able to enjoy rocking, but we’ll see.

Tom’s done roofing for the day.

Later…

I just changed the mice’s cages. It’s easier on my allergies if I don’t change everyone at once. I do the pig and rat one day, then the mice another day. The guys one day, the ladies another day.

I checked for email, which I thought I’d have tons of, and got an IM from Alex. So, I added him to my address book and my buddy list.

Andy beat me to it as far as him returning that paper with different fonts and checking the ones he likes. I sent him a SASE in my letter to him, cuz he had said he didn’t have any envelopes, so knowing how broke he always is, I thought I’d help him out, but he sent me these sheets back today. So he can keep the SASE for something else or cover up my name and use it for whatever he wants.

He picked the fonts I thought he’d like. The ones that are easier to read. He also decorated the envelope with a picture of the original Charlie’s Angels and the cast of Twin Peaks. He also cut out strips of old letters I sent him.

So, the freeloaders will get a few goodies added to their write-ups. I stuck in these fonts with Andy’s handwriting and with his picture bordering the two pages, and also, a sheet of stationary Kim sent. On the sheet they’re getting, she writes about how Bob’s against her ruining her beautiful tits and all that BS.

At 4 PM there was an anonymous call hang-up. Was it Andy or are the freeloaders at it again?

I took an old gray, sweatshirt dress that I’ve had for what might be half of my life, and cut its sleeves. It looks and feels better this way.

As you know, Art was on America’s Funniest Home Videos (even if we joke and say he was on America’s Most Wanted). Well, Tom says they’re making a show called America’s Scariest Home Videos. He disagrees, but I told him that I’ll bet you anything that half the shows are home births. Babies that came too fast to make it to the hospital. That shit sells just as much as sex, drugs, violence, and rock-n-roll do. Anyway, he thinks it’ll be accident-type stuff.

I sometimes share my writings with Tom, and I shared with him yesterday’s entry. He didn’t get my sentence that said, that was Evie’s case till I came into the picture and she got pregnant. Of course, Tom doesn’t believe this stuff, but Evie’s got those two kids cuz of me. She’ll never know it, but I’m the one responsible for those kids existing. She wouldn’t have them if it weren’t for me, although I suppose if she were still meant to have them, someone else would intertwine with her having them. You see, I don’t just think things are meant to be for a reason, but when they’re meant to be is for a reason, too. Also, God intertwines and kind of mingles events with those that we know. I’m sure he decided before Evie was even born that yes, she would have two kids. However, he was gonna wait till she was older for reasons best for her, and also till I came into the family circle. This way God could kind of kill two birds with one stone. He has Evie wait till he thinks the time’s right, and he uses it to hurt me. Back then I really wanted a kid really bad and God knew I’d feel left out, hurt, and jealous if someone was having kids in the family.

Tom told me he heard that antibiotics can help a woman get pregnant, cuz the antibiotics kill off bacteria that can kill sperm. My response was, “Then why wasn’t I oh so fertile in my 20s when I was always on those things?” He said I wasn’t screwing like I am now. True. I only did it 15 times or so before I met Tom. Besides, I know my problems are a lot more serious than just popping antibiotics. It would take much more than that to fix me if I were even fixable. Also, women can only have female babies cuz the chromosomes that make up male babies are less resilient.

Later…

God, I am so sick of this shit! I’m so sick of having to have just a few bites a day and going so hungry so much of the time in order to stay at 115 pounds! Anyway, I gained a few pounds cuz I gave in to my hunger too many days in a row and had 1500-2000 calories a day. I’d have to have 1000 calories a day in order to lose weight and do you know how fast 1000 calories go?! It’s like telling a smoker who’s been used to smoking a pack a day for a long time to suddenly cut down to 3 cigarettes a day. There are hundreds of calories in just two bites, so having 1000 is close to starving, I’m sick of this struggle and I’m getting closer and closer to just letting myself go. I’m tired of the constant hunger. Besides, I’ll never be thin again, and if I were 100 pounds at the snap of my fingers, it’d be hell trying to hold it. I’d go back to 115 pounds in just a week.

No wonder so many women are miserable. Especially the ones my age and up. They set unrealistic goals. They try to get “thin,” but that’s just not possible when you’re older. You can lose a few pounds but beware of the hell it takes to do it and to keep those few measly 5-10 pounds off. Older people are naturally plump cuz that’s just the way God designed us to be.

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 23, 1998 I have wonderful news, but first, the light blue car is here. Bill’s still here too. I don’t think it’s a coworker in that light blue car. I mean one who happens to be black too, and who happens to have a car that goes with this bitch’s people’s cars? I doubt that. It’s too coincidental. There are probably mostly other poor, lazy blacks going where she goes, though. Although, I wouldn’t exactly call her lazy. She gets out regularly, 5 days a week. She’s just mean, broke and stupid.

The people across the street aren’t all moved in yet, Tom told me. Yeah, I know. No dog yet.

Our dumbfuck mailman gave me a catalog that belongs to N. 21 Dr. I’m sure they got my doll catalog too.

I had bad allergies last night like I do once a week or so.

Andy’s going to be going to California after all. Good for him. He’ll be going from Wednesday to Saturday. Good. Then he’ll get the letter I sent him before he goes. He should get it tomorrow.

He broke down and got high. I told him I still love him anyway, and always will no matter what, even though I like him better sober. As I told him, though, I believe someday he’ll quit for good. Just like I quit cigarettes for good after years of many failed attempts.

He said he was proud of me for taking the first steps toward getting tested. He said he’ll support whatever I decide to do. Now that’s being a good friend. He said he was shocked too, and didn’t think I’d ever go this route. Neither did I. Anyway, I filled him in on the basics, and I also filled in Evie, Kim, Tammy, and Marla. Yup, I heard from Marla! She’s just been busy as hell.

Anyway, this doctor’s right by the Crystal Creek complex and she’s pretty nice. So is her nurse. No one there is as attractive as Melanie. They’re all just there, but at least they’re nice and seem to know what they’re doing, and that’s what counts.

They’re remodeling their office, though, and man was it dusty!

I didn’t have to wait as long as I thought I’d have to and there weren’t a bunch of pregnant teens with wailing kids.

First she weighed me as 119 since doctor’s scales are always 4 pounds more than regular scales, then I tried unsuccessfully to give a urine sample. I should’ve remembered this! I should’ve drunk lots of water.

Got a freeloader update before I go on. That light blue car backed into the street to let Bill out and I saw the driver again. A very tall and very thin black lady with two girls that were about 8 and 10. No older than 12 and no younger than 6 for sure. After she backed the car up, the freeloaders and these two girls ran around screaming and jumping up at the basketball hoop (I thought they were gonna play ball) for a minute or so, then they all went into the house. I just came out of the bathroom to check and I saw the tall woman, the bitch, and one of the bigger girls get into the car, but I assume this girl’s sister and the freeloaders were in the car too. They just took off somewhere.

My guess is that this tall thing is the bitch’s sister and that the two girls are nieces of the bitch that I was supposed to have ordered not to play around here.

Anyway, the nurse took me into an exam room, took my blood pressure, and asked a few basic questions, assuring me the doctor was really nice.

Then the doctor herself came in to get me to bring me into her office to ask me some questions.

The doctor was friendly, and in her mid to late 40s, I’d guess. She had short blond hair and was of average weight.

She asked me how often we had sex. I told her once or twice a week. I told her of my ear when she asked if I’d had any surgeries. She asked when I got my first period and I told her I was about 10. I told her for nearly 3 years when I was in my teens I didn’t get a period. She asked if I was ever told why, and I said no, but I had my theories that it was maybe related to medications. I also hadn’t been eating well back then.

I told her I wanted to see her cuz of the DES, how Cigna got several bloody cultures, and that I was wondering why I hadn’t gotten pregnant.

She asked if I were ever involved in any violent sex acts, or if I’d ever had any sexual diseases. She asked if I were married and if I worked.

She said she’d love to meet Tom after I said I wanted to bring him in next time.

I forgot to mention the atypia that Cigna said I had, but if it’s any big deal, they’ll find it and tell me what to do about it.

She asked when my last period was and when my last exam was, and I mentioned the screwy periods. She said it could very well be normal. Especially since after the spotting, my period’s light and doesn’t last long.

We were wrong in thinking that if my uterus was shaped funny an ultrasound could see it. She said it can’t and therefore, I have to have a test that’ll see its shape because from what I gather, the shape of the uterus can complicate getting pregnant. That was Evie’s case till I came into the picture and she got pregnant.

She said she’s known DES people who have had no problems getting pregnant, but the 3 problems some DES people have are conceiving, suffering miscarriages (something about ruptured membranes which I don’t quite get), and cervical cancer.

She seemed so sure of my situation, though, and once used the words “when we get you pregnant” in one of her sentences to me. She sounded too sure, if you ask me, even though I had no bad vibes of any kind.

She said I could use Vagisil or something that you put in your bath (I forgot the name of it) if I get any irritation around the opening.

Unexpectedly, she recommends kidney testing saying it’s important. The ears and kidneys form at the same time.

I thought I’d have to call Dr. Brown and ask to be able to see Dr. Wells again and do whatever she recommended, but nope, they know each other and I don’t have to do a thing. They’re gonna take care of getting things approved by Dr. Brown. In a week, I’m to call Vicki, a woman who works in the office, about going for the kidney/uterus tests. If I haven’t heard from the nurse in two weeks, I’m to call for my pap results.

After the doctor and I talked, she took me back to the exam room where she listened to my lungs, which she said sounded good. That’s a first. She listened to my heart too, which she said was beating a mile a minute. Really? I felt calm, though.

She said what she could see from the outside of me looked good after she checked my tits.

For the first time, I didn’t ask for the smallest speculum. The exam is still uncomfortable, but it was easy compared to before I knew Tom. I had cramps for a little while and some bleeding afterward.

After getting the kidneys/uterus tests, Tom and I will meet with her for a 1-hour consultation.

She said there was something (that I can’t remember) that was supposed to be visible on some DES people around their cervixes but I didn’t have it. That’s good, I guess.

I fixed my ear, I’m fixing my teeth, so I may as well fix my plumbing if I can! I still don’t see a child in my cards whether I wanted that or not, but whatever’s meant to be will be and whatever’s not, won’t be. I’m just gonna try to keep my mind and doors open to different possibilities. I know I’ll feel much better if I understand more about why my body is as it is and if I know what my options are.

I said something to Tom about wishing I’d gone earlier in our marriage, knowing I was sterile, and knowing I wanted a kid very much back then, but he suggested that it may have put too much stress on the relationship back then. He doesn’t feel stressed out by it now, though. Well, we’ll never know what would’ve happened if we’d gone in 1994-1996, but I think our love was strong enough then to endure it, even stronger now, and as Tom said, these things keep progressing with time. He’s right. Each day that passes, I love him more and I couldn’t imagine life without him. Well, let’s just put it this way. If we were meant to have gone earlier, we’d have gone. If we weren’t meant to go now, we wouldn’t have. However, that doesn’t mean that just because I now have a good vibe and just cuz today went smoothly, God’s not gonna step in and block us later on. We’ll just have to see. I’ll be damned if I’ll fight and struggle for something I’m not meant to do, though, and have to pay the consequences for “disobeying” God. If he starts throwing hurdles at us, I’m calling it quits. I’ll just carry on with my curiosities. I’d rather not, but if I’m not meant to have any answers, I won’t.

Later…

Thank God they don’t predict rain for the week, cuz the roof’s not likely to be done till Wednesday. They went as far as Friday saying there’d be no rain. Thank you, God!

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 22, 1998 I’m just one day away from my appointment, but I’m not nervous. I should be, though, I suppose, since most people are when it comes to seeing new doctors. I told God, “I’m confused. I don’t know what you want from me. Do you want me to get tested? Should I get tested? Show me the way.” I believe he will. The more something’s meant to be, the more the way is paved for you with fewer obstacles. If it’s not meant to be, you’ll be blocked. Maybe make sure that Tom doesn’t cooperate like he said he would? Cuz that’d end it all right then and there as far as testing goes. I’ll quit right then and there. I’m going to this doctor to deal with why I’m sterile. Not why he won’t cum.

I keep saying my appointment with Melanie is on the 29th, but in truth, it’s on the 30th.

Tom said they only made one quick run across the street yesterday. Well, that explains why I haven’t heard the dog. It’s not here yet. He said he saw them today, too, but again, they obviously aren’t gonna be all moved in today either, cuz I don’t hear no dog. If they don’t have a dog, I guarantee you they’ll be getting one within a month. I don’t have a bad vibe about them, and things always quiet down as I get close to making a move, but 9 out of 10 houses have dogs, so why not?

I wonder what God will compensate me with when we move. There’ll be no noise/neighbors to stress out over, and he won’t replace neighborly noise with child noise since he knows I can’t handle that, so what will he do? Give me health problems? Time will tell.

At around 9:30 this morning, the cock was on the street. Why would he only park in the driveway that one Sunday only? Maybe cuz he was too lazy to haul laundry to the street, and maybe cuz it knew it’d be here all day and coming and going a lot.

I was amazed to weigh 115 pounds yesterday at the end of my day and after being stuck for two days. I woke up at 113 pounds, though, and took a dump.

I forgot to mention a couple of other things about Andy. He went into the studio where Stevie does her recording and offered to clean the place which was trashed. He found a tape that said Stevie soundboard something and he stole it. He said the quality of it was great and sounded better than any CD he’d ever heard. So now he’s trying to get a job volunteering to clean in there so he can see her work.

Another thing he said that I got a kick out of was, “If I have AIDS, I won’t let anyone else touch me, but I’m gonna be the biggest slut I’ve always fantasized about being.”

Later…

No freeloader shit. Like I said, they’re gonna wait till he’s done before they let us have it right back. All I saw was that light blue car and a tall, skinny, black lady with a cap on getting into the car and leaving. Never have I seen a white person visit them. They’re not good enough for most of them to be visiting anyway, even if most people are assholes, no matter what the color.

There is one thing I do dread about tomorrow. Not the appointment itself or the doctor, but all the waiting I’ll have to do. I know this waiting room is gonna be the opposite of Melanie’s. It’s gonna be filled with pregnant teens that’ll piss me off and tons of screaming kids, and I’ll have to wait for a half-hour or more till seeing the doctor. I’m not looking forward to that at all, so I’ll take a puzzle book since I won’t be able to concentrate on reading.

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 21, 1998 What a stupid thing to do. Yesterday I was stuck and I took a water pill cuz I felt all bloated and watery, but the day after taking a water pill I can’t shit. So now I have to be stuck two days in a row, whereas I probably could’ve shit today if I didn’t take the water pill yesterday.

Another stupid thing to do was to tell Andy in a message I left him to wait till we can talk live next week before he calls since it’ll just be a busy weekend around here as usual. Sure enough, what’s he do? He goes and calls anyway. Must he go and call just so he can say he went and did the opposite of what I told him? Why are people so obsessed with doing the opposite?

Later…

It looks like Mary may care about Tom’s roofing adventures. She called and left a message while I was talking to Andy, which I’ll get into later, and said she was just checking to see how he was, call when he gets a minute.

What do you really want Mary? What do you really want? Computer work? Car work? Plumbing? Stuff your own husband could and should learn to do for you if he wasn’t so lazy?

As for the roof - the old roof is all stripped off now and now Tom’s hammering the new shingles on. Something the freeloaders can hear loud and clear. I’ll bet you anything that next weekend, or the weekend after, I’ll be hearing from them for this, but fuck them. We needed a new roof and if they can’t handle that, they’ll get theirs for it.

El Cocko was parked on the street at 9:30 this morning, Tom told me. All I saw when I went to look out front was him in a red sports shirt and a backward cap leaning in the front seat of the car. Then he went back to the house. Then a few minutes later he got in the car and left. I don’t think anyone was with him. Mistake could’ve been, but I don’t know for sure.

Why was he parked in the street on a Saturday, though? Maybe the city only takes off Sundays when dealing with their subsidized houses and checking up on them. Now that they know this bitch’s broken at least two rules (cock/dog) they’ll be keeping a closer eye on her.

Tom and I talked about hiring someone to come in and clean up all the nails and roof bits that are all over the sides of the house, but that’d take money away from paying bills. Also, they’d probably do a half-assed job.

Now I’ll get into what’s going on with Andy. Well, he’s really miserable again. God, he’s so much like I used to be. Just an occasional bout of happiness, then it’s the same old, same old again. Will he ever get out of the rut he’s been in?

Anyway, after I saw him leave two calls in a row with his name showing, I picked up knowing something was wrong and that he needed to bitch. I told him to show his name when it’s urgent.

He hasn’t broken down and gotten stoned yet, but he bought some weed since he feels it’s inevitable that he’ll break down sooner or later. He also said that it’s a really good kind of weed that only comes around for a short time every handful of years. I didn’t know there were different kinds of weed.

Tom and I were wondering how he could manage to get time off to go to California when he just started a new job. So I asked Andy about it today and he told me that with temp agencies, you work when you want and make your own schedule. All you have to do is give a week’s notice.

The plan was that Laura would take Andy’s car to New Mexico to spend Thanksgiving with her family. Then Michelle’s mom and boyfriend would drive to San Diego on the 22nd and go to the boyfriend’s family’s house. The next day Michelle and Andy would go there in Michelle’s car. They’d stay in San Diego for two days, then go up to L.A. for a day, then home. Now Andy’s pissed cuz he cleared time off from both the temp agency and Red Lobster to go, but he may not be going after all. Michelle’s car got broken into. They broke windows and stole her CD player. So, who knows if he’s going?

The thing about it is that he doesn’t have to worry about clearing time from the temp agency after all cuz he no longer has that job. Just a part-time job at Red Lobster for pitiful money.

Andy says he’s so pissed at himself and wonders when he’s gonna learn to keep his mouth shut. Yup, you got it. Andy got fired for talking too much yet again! He admits to his big mouth, but once again, God and society’s double standards really piss him off. It’s OK for the girl to his left to talk about her suicide attempts, and it’s OK for the girl to the right to talk about how miserable her kids and husband make her, but when the gay guy speaks up, it’s not acceptable!

So he went off on his boss about it and left a picture of a guy in boxers on his desk that he tore out of a Rolling Stone magazine he was reading. Then he called for a second chance and was told by the woman he talked to that she heard he left a picture of a naked guy on his desk. So that pissed him off cuz the guy in the picture was not naked. Then he says, “See? When people don’t like you or are mad at you, they twist the truth, exaggerate, and get into all-out lying.” Yes, I know very well. I’ve seen Dureen, Art, Larry, Tammy, and many others do this.

Then he goes to this other agency and gets told that there’s nothing available when he knows there is. He thought about it and thought about it, then realized he looked like an IV user cuz of the blood test they did to check for AIDS which left a black and blue mark on his arm.

Yeah, I guess Marla, who’s been super busy, talked him into getting an AIDS test. He’s got to wait till around my birthday for the results and he’s terrified. He said he had a dream that the test was positive, and he couldn’t believe it. Andy always practiced safe sex until Quinn. With Quinn, he wouldn’t use rubbers cuz he hates them. He’s pissed at himself not only for opening his mouth at work but for having unsafe sex and giving in to anal sex like he swore he never would. He said he let Quinn cum up his ass. The most dangerous thing to do, and that the bible says is a sin. I reminded Andy not to jump the gun, though, and assume the test is positive. Also, don’t believe everything you read. I could write a book saying being tall is a sin, but that doesn’t make me right. I told him what’s done is done and I don’t think any kind of sex is a sin as long as those involved are of age and willing.

Later…

A white car just came in and honked, but it’s a different one. Not the one with the thick black trim. It’s been 5 minutes, but no one’s gotten out of that car. What? Did it pull in, honk, then go up to the door? It couldn’t have just gone up to the door? What was that honk saying? Was it saying something like, “Yeah, I hear you with all your hammering? But next weekend or the weekend after, you’ll be hearing us.”

Well if I do, they’ll just keep on hearing me and we’ll keep on going back and forth till they either shut up or get evicted.

Tom was on the roof when this car pulled in and he said he heard voices. I didn’t hear them yelling this time around, though.

As I was saying about Andy - he said he’s a very angry man now and that if he finds out he has AIDS, he’s gonna destroy Quinn’s memory by telling everyone he and Quinn were an item (only a few know) and then he’s gonna track down this girl who he believes gave Quinn AIDS, and beat the fuck out of her. See, Quinn was a major druggie and a slut. Andy’s the only guy he made it with, though, except for his brother who molested him. There were rumors saying that a girl Quinn made it with between his time with Andy, had AIDS and didn’t tell Quinn till afterward. In fact, Andy wondered if Quinn killed himself cuz he found out he had AIDS. Quinn was also just plain old miserable and was looking at jail time, too, for the drugs, but only Quinn knew for sure why he did what he did, and as cruel as it may sound, I commend Quinn for killing himself and God for allowing him to do so. This world doesn’t need people like Quinn. I told Andy that having AIDS isn’t a death sentence anymore, although he thinks it is. They have medications for that that’ll sustain his life and they’re on the verge of a cure, too. He can get treatment and therapy for free since he’s poor. Thank God for this, too. He also told me he might ignore me for a while if it’s positive out of shame and all the emotions he’ll have over it. I told him it’s fine to need time alone but to remember he can call me if he needs to talk. I told him to let his name show on the box like he did today if it’s urgent and be anonymous if he’s just calling to say hi.

He’s gonna have to go out for the hundredth time job-hunting, but at least he has the money for next month’s rent set aside, so all he has to come up with is money for bills.

Michelle goes by astrology when predicting things, I go by instinct and the feelings that come to me. Well, according to Andy, Michelle knows her stuff and is always right. One of the things Michelle predicts is that she and David won’t cut it together because Leo and Aquarius don’t mix. Well, I don’t know if that’s the reason, but all the Gemini and Leo women I’ve known are assholes, but I don’t know about guys. Incidentally, Dureen’s a Gemini, and Tammy’s a Leo. Anyway, the reason I don’t see them working out is that Andy’s not meant to have a loving relationship. It’s just not meant to be any more than I was ever meant to be a singer or a mother.

Andy says he still wants to try his best to make the relationship with Dave work out, but there are a couple of things Dave does that really pisses him off. He asks questions, and then when Andy goes to answer, he cuts him off and interrupts constantly. So Andy did it back to him and he got pissed. Andy’s like - how do you like it? Andy also hates how he’s so “Brenda-ish.” He’s possessive and jealous and Andy’s afraid he’ll smother him. As Andy said, though, if he and Dave don’t work out, he can always go live with one of his brothers. It’s not like he knows no one there.

I’ll be sending him an encouraging, inspirational letter sometime soon, cuz I know how much those things really cheer him up.

Later…

Am I going deaf? I can’t complain, but I didn’t hear the white car leave. No doors, no engine, no nothing. That tells me that she didn’t leave in this car since she and her little cock were always the biggest door slammers around here. Well, it is hard to hear over all the hammering.

Tom just tore his second pair of shorts on nails. He’s now wearing one of his two pairs of long denim pants that he wears to work.

He returned Mary’s call and spoke to her and Mom about how the roof was going. Mary didn’t get into it, but they found bad things with the thyroid they took out. She has an appointment coming up and so does Ma. They’re gonna get their own rides, though, cuz I have an appointment on Monday. They didn’t hit him for computer work, but they will when he’s done.

He says Eileen’s probably gonna make up for the little cupcake payment he got for doing the daughter’s computer when he gets around to taking care of hers. Eileen pays him fairly, so that’s good.

It looks like sex will be postponed until next weekend, which is OK with me. Tom brought up something I almost brought up, but I didn’t want him to get the wrong idea and think I was trying to get out of sex. He suggested we don’t screw till after my appointment, so it doesn’t interfere with the pap. Normally I’d say that he was making excuses, but no, this is a great, sensible idea.

Later…

Bill’s here now. What’s he doing here on a Saturday?

Actually, he just left. I know the sound of that car starting up very well now. It’s weird for a Caddy, but it makes a coughing sound as its starter catches. It left without the bitch, so she ought to be home still and listening to all Tom’s hammering.

Later…

The renters are here, and to my utter amazement, they don’t seem to have a dog. Yet. They will soon enough, though. From what Tom could see, it was a couple with a 5-year-old girl. I guess this is good. Then I don’t have to worry about college kids or teenagers banging in and out, or basketball games. They don’t have a hoop over there, but those things can always be bought.

He also says that at the old man’s house on the other corner, there’s a woman and kids living there. The guy’s still there, though, so who knows who these people are? Maybe they were the trailer people and they decided to move in and ditch the trailer. I saw a woman with screaming kids in the street the other day, but if they’re living there, why don’t I hear them? From what I saw, there were 2-3 little ones, and that’s major noise, so why don’t I hear them all day long when I’m up? Maybe because the garage separates our houses, along with the street.

Later…

Tom accidentally cut his finger while cutting paper, so I gave him a Band-Aid.

You have to put down felt paper on the bare wooden roof before you put the shingles down. He’s on the fun, quick, and easy part now. Stapling down the paper. Then he’ll be nailing down the shingles, but the shingles are big, so it won’t need 10,000 nails. He still feels he’ll be done tomorrow, but we may need to keep the dumpster past Monday for our clean-up job. For our cleaning, he’s gonna go look for this magnetic rake they have that’d be great for picking up the millions of nails that are around the house from the three asinine layers that were there.

Later…

Still no mail. Is he late? Or did he give our mail to someone else?

It’s dead quiet at the old man’s house, so maybe the woman and kids were just visiting.

Later…

I guess the bitch did leave in that white car. Tom saw her being dropped off from that car a little while ago.

Tom’s heading to Sears in a little while to pick up some more stuff we’ll need.

I’m just gonna relax and read for the evening.

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 20, 1998 Woke up at 115 pounds, since I had KFC yesterday and more. I always go back to 115.

Got a letter from Kim, cuz her computer is fucked up. She and Walt are moving into a big duplex house in Northampton. Just what is the story with her and Walt? Did Walt conveniently decide he wants kids just to hang onto Kim? Or is Kim OK with his not wanting kids and willing to give that up?

Anyway, since she sent me a regular letter, I’ll send her one too, using our wedding picture bordering the paper.

I took the four remaining Christmas cards I have and made one out to Mary & Dave, Mom, Steven & Carol, and David & Evie.

I never want a damn thing again to do with Nora, Ray, Ryan, Jackie, Jim, or Pam. The only reason I associate with Mary, Dave, and Mom still is out of respect for Tom. Meanwhile, Steven, Carol, David, and Evie never did anything to us. Neither did Ryan, Ray, or Nora, but I just don’t want to bother with anyone connected to the Jackie, Jim, and Pam clan. I don’t dislike Mary and Dave, although as with Mom, I resent how they’ve used Tom. Mary and I have things in common (rodents/sterility) and Dave’s funny and cool to be around.

Tom got a dumpster extension. They were supposed to get it today, but he’s keeping it till Monday. We thought they’d charge $100 for the overtime, but nope. Just $5 a day.

He says he’ll be done on Sunday, but I don’t know. Then he says we can get on with life. Yeah, for two weeks.

I printed out some more stuff for the freeloaders and their stuff will have to go in two manila envelopes. Not cuz there are too many papers but cuz the pages fit snuggly into the envelopes and leave no room for the wire binder. So I had to trim the edges of the pages to make them fit into the envelope.

Tom says it’s no wonder my lungs still get tight and congested. He said it’s big-time polluted out there. Worse than L.A. He says I should improve when we move. Well, I hope so, cuz yesterday when I was singing, I’d swear I still smoked if I didn’t know any better. And I was wondering again why God ever bothered to give me the voice in the first place if I can’t fully enjoy it. I have to stop and keep clearing my fucking throat. I never would’ve quit smoking if I’d known it’d make me so fat and not help me more than it has, although it does save us money, and since quitting, I don’t know if it’s a coincidence or not, I stopped wishing we could have more sex and stopped wanting a child. Maybe it’s that I’m used to not counting on full-time sex with this guy and maybe it’s just because I know a kid’s not meant to be, but my life truly has improved in other ways since quitting smoking, and I wheeze my ass off, so I won’t complain.

Later…

Tom tore off 3,000 pounds of roofing. When he’s done there’ll be 1,000 pounds of roofing. The stupid idiot males who lived here throughout the years put layers of roofing on. There are three layers. That’s how and why things got so fucked up with it. Women should do more of these kinds of things. They’re smarter. But Tom’s as smart as most women. In fact, I think we’re both smarter than most people, female or male, so we’ll figure it out.

A guy driving by got out and asked Tom if he does roofs. He said only on his own house he does.

He may get promoted to bossing people around instead of bossing work around, which he kind of doesn’t want. He’d rather boss work than people, and he doesn’t want to be locked in for another year like he would be if he got promoted in that way, and he still wants days. These would be 2nd and 3rd shifts. He doubts he’ll get this promotion, though, cuz the others who are eligible have been there longer. But are they as good as he is?

Tom saw both dogs two yards down. He says they’re both collies. Why are their barks different then? He says it’s not just cuz of the chain-link fence that causes them to bark so much, is the house’s location too. They can see all the way down another alley that we couldn’t see from our yard if we had a see-through fence of some kind. The alley’s sort of L-shaped. Well, they’re on the corner of the L. So they can see a lot more to get stirred up over than a dog could in our yard if we didn’t have all block walls. I wonder why it is that we have all block walls, the freeloaders have all block walls (although they have a double gate and not a single gate in the very back by the alley), but these assholes have a chain-link fence in the back. Only their sidewalls are block walls.

I’m doing laundry now and hanging out the heavier stuff since our dryer’s sort of wimpy. The washer’s small and the dryer’s wimpy, but when we move, we���ll have a regular size and strength washer and dryer.

Later…

Bill must’ve gotten called away for something pretty important today. I didn’t hear any of this, except for the honk, but from what Tom could see on the roof, a light blue car dropped the bitch off at 11:00. Then Bill left. Then Bill returned a few minutes later. Then the blue car returned, honked, and the bitch left in it. The blue car’s probably some coworker.

The cock didn’t visit last night.

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 19, 1998 Another day of Tom stripping the roof. As I predicted, he doesn’t think he’ll be done stripping today. He told me he realized that although he doesn’t want anyone putting the new roof on since they probably wouldn’t do it right, he should’ve at least paid the money to have someone come and strip it and haul the old roof away. Well, it’s too late now. All that hard work and mess and clean-up are on him. I offer to help him with picking up roof bits and nails, but he brushes me off. He said I could help with the stuff at the side of the house, but not for long since the dust isn’t good for me. I have a feeling part of the reason he doesn’t want me working in the front is cuz he worries I might attack the bitch. I wouldn’t do that unless she came on our property or threatened me from hers.

He’s gonna have to keep the dumpster till Monday, rather than Friday.

He said he doesn’t think the back room was added on in the 70s as he originally thought. This whole subdivision was built in 1950. He thinks that the back room’s been there all along and that it was one of those extra things that were optional that people could pay extra for if they wanted.

I had a flash vibe of me being 110 by February. In the past, I’d have been thrilled to know this, but now it kind of worries me. It takes the body about a year to adapt to major changes. It’s been just over a year since I quit smoking and it seems my old metabolism is poking through more and more. Well I awoke at 112½ pounds today, and we’ll just have to see if I lose more weight or not, but if I do, am I gonna have to pay for it in some not-so-cool kind of way? I’ll tell you one thing for sure and that’s that if I had to choose between not wanting a child and being 125 pounds, and wanting one at 100 pounds, I’d take the 125 pounds and the not wanting that. I don’t ever want to return to my days of obsessively dreaming about the impossible. I only want material dreams from here on out cuz I can make material dreams come true in time. If my dream was to find a million dollars in the street, that’d be different, but I’ve never had such a dream like that eat at me year after year day after day and I’m sure I’d have to become a whole different person for me to dream such a far-out dream as that. Even my old dream of becoming a famous singer wasn’t as far out as that would be.

I asked Tom why he didn’t bring up adoption or foster kids. He said that although he disagreed with those judging others by their ages or their pasts, the more he thought about it, the more he realized that adopting would be a problem cuz of his age, and fostering would be a problem cuz of my record. Personally, I never had a desire to adopt or foster, thank God. I guess I’m just one of those who felt that if she wasn’t gonna have her own kid, she didn’t want anybody else’s, but that’s just me. There’s nothing wrong with those who adopt or foster, though, as long as they’re not like the second foster mother I had was. She lied to me and starved me, and her sick friend threatened me and scared the shit out of me. It’s a miracle I got out of there without her beating me to death. Or close to it.

I’m recharging my vibrator batteries now. They’re great cuz it’s like having the same batteries that last and last and last. I used to worry about my sex drive going up in time, too, but since I’d rather take care of my own orgasms, and since I don’t want a child and can’t conceive one anyway, it’s OK if my appetite goes up, cuz I can take care of it myself, and Tom’s busyness and my schedule won’t be a problem if it goes up again like it was a problem the last time it was up.

Speaking of schedules, I went to bed just after midnight again and got up at 8:00. I had to read a good 4 hours or so before going to bed to relax and tire me down. I might sleep later tomorrow though, cuz Tom, who has to get off the roof at 4:00 to sleep 7 hours before going to work, won’t get home till around noon tomorrow.

I should have no problem getting to the doctor’s Monday. It’s Melanie’s appointment a week after that that I question.

I hope we can take a shot at doing those T-shirts soon enough, and also, I’d like to go to the library to see what Ruby books they’ve got and to check out doll-making books. I might want to take their doll-making class someday if I can keep a schedule long enough to do so. I wonder how long and how often the class is? It was something like $50-$60 for the sign language classes and they went 8-10 weeks.

I commented to Tom how I was surprised Bill and Mistake didn’t hang out in the yard more. Tom said that he’s really old so he couldn’t keep up with it, nor would he be likely to even want to hang outside. I’m surprised I don’t hear that animal screaming all day, but I guess they don’t even open their windows over there.

Later…

It’s a bit cloudy out, but there’s no threat of rain over the next 5 days or so, according to the weather channel.

I was out getting my daily dose of color till the headphones began producing static. They’re great, though. No wires, no commercials, then you just charge them back up. No constant need to change dying batteries.

Later…

I was bored shitless for a while there, but I guess I should get into some writing now.

Tom went out and got himself something to eat and I got KFC. I’m making a pot of tea now.

Bill and Mistake were seen by Tom coming and going earlier, but the cock hasn’t shown up today. Yet. I’ll bet he will later. Yes, he was here again yesterday. From 7:00-7:45 last night.

Tom’s opinion is that he found religion and that’s why he’s been quiet even when he’s parked on the street, and he’s coming around more to see the kid. I highly doubt it. I think it’s her he’s coming to see and I think it’ll just be a matter of time before he starts pushing and testing and going back to his old shit whether or not he lives here again. If he does move back in, though, he’s gonna have to park on the street during business hours. However, I’ve already decided the day he moved out last July that we’d never again be neighbors and that’s final. He is not welcomed here, he does not belong here, he is not wanted here, and he cannot live here as far as I’m concerned. Not that the bitch is anymore welcomed, wanted, or a snuggly fit in this neighborhood either, but I can tolerate her existence while we’re still here so long as there’s no shit from her or her friends, cuz if there is, she’s gotta go too.

Later…

Tom’s gonna be wrapping it up soon for the day so he can get some sleep before work.

He said he was surprised his Ma didn’t call to ask how the roof was going.

Maybe she doesn’t care.

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 18, 1998 Bill’s back today. I’ll bet you that cock won’t come in for lunch today, but we’ll see. I never heard any car doors yesterday picking her up or dropping her off, so I think she was home yesterday. She also had her lawn done just as the sun was setting by a black, a Hispanic, and a tall white dude with long hair. It could’ve been two blacks or two Hispanics, but anyway, the white guy got pissed at either one of the other guys he was working with or someone in the house, but I couldn’t tell for sure from my spying angle. I couldn’t make out anything that was said either. Just “Ay, ay, ay!” as the guy walked from the front of the house where their front door is, into the carport, then into the back.

So, I think she was home and the cock only came in for lunch cuz she was there. I doubt she was home cuz she couldn’t get a ride either, cuz couldn’t the cock have chauffeured her? Maybe she was sick or hurt or something like that. Wouldn’t it be great if yesterday was a case of karma where this bitch who normally adores noise, couldn’t stand to listen to Tom bang around yesterday while she was trying to read, watch TV, or even nap?

Someone was spraying for bugs across the street in the rental yesterday, but you know what? Here I am worrying about potential Mormons, dogs, or rowdy college kids with stereos, but what about the house next door where that cop used to live? It looks like he moved out a while ago, but who’s living there now? Nothing’s changed within that house. It’s still quiet. So did just the cop move out? Or did the whole household move? Are there new people in there now?

Tom said he saw one of the dogs two houses down and said that the reason they bark so much is cuz they got a chain-link fence. Yeah, I know that’s part of it. That’s why I really dread the renters moving in cuz they have a chain-link fence that wraps around to their front, so we can hear their new dog(s) loud and clear. It’d be like it was in its front yard barking and it’s just across the street from us, although anything’s better than just a few feet away. At least it won’t be just outside three of our windows.

Anyway, Tom says he only saw one of the dogs, which was a collie, and says those aren’t guard dogs. Whatever. All I know is that they bark way too fucking much and they’re lucky we’re moving. Real, real, real fucking lucky!

Got up at 8:30 today at 114 pounds. Tom got a late start and didn’t get up on the roof till 10:00 cuz he was picking up my meds and looking for stamps which nobody seems to have.

Tom called in and found out that there’s a number you can call to see if you’ve been dismissed from jury duty. Well, first they postponed him from today to tomorrow, and now they don’t want him in till February 8th.

Later…

OK, this is the third day in a row that that cock has shown up next door and I don’t like it. Both of us never thought he’d be in for lunch today cuz she’s not there. He never comes over when just Bill’s here. Unless she’s in there sick and Bill’s tending to her, which I highly doubt, I worry that he’s on the brink of coming back, although I don’t vibe it. Let him dare to come back, though, cuz he’ll be sorry!

Today and yesterday I’ve been working on getting some color since I’m practically as white as I was when I first came here. Tom came out to tell me they were recarpeting next door and I was like - fuck! Tell the city to come recarpet our house for nothing! Then he came back a few minutes later saying it looked like they were just cleaning their carpet and not replacing it. There’s a white van out there now, but no writing on it. No city emblem or anything.

Later…

Yeah, there is writing on the van. A limb of the tree was blocking it at first, but there’s small writing on the bottom of the driver’s door. All it says is: Operated by Metrolink, Scottsdale, AZ

Cock’s gone now.

Later…

The van was gone when I last checked at 12:45.

Wow! I actually got a little color. Since I have to be on days for the next two weeks, I may as well take advantage of it and sit outside and do my word find puzzles for a while every day. Putting baby oil on really helps, too.

Later…

I just helped Tom put together the wheelbarrow he bought for transporting old bits of roofing that he’s knocked off the side of the house by the freeloaders to the dumpster in front. It’s also a good thing to have anyway.

Fortunately, the dogs let us work in peace. Just Blackie was meowing, as usual.

He believes he’ll be done stripping the old roof off tomorrow. He’s only got the side of the house and by the cooler and AC to do. A little in the back freeloader corner, as I call it. The other is the back street corner.

He says it’ll only take two days to put the new roof on. That means Saturday will be his last workday, which seems a bit doubtful to me. That’s cuz he’s so lousy with estimating time. He’s great at 95% of the things in this world, but not time frames.

I asked him about the cop’s house, and he says he doesn’t know what the story with that house is or who’s there.

I pointed out how I realized recently that I haven’t heard the old man’s dog in a while, and he says it is gone. Even the trailer people are, but that may be because they couldn’t sleep well here. Ha, ha!

I asked Tom if he thought I could maintain 100 pounds as easily as I’m maintaining 115 pounds if I could get there tomorrow. He said that in this day and age, it’d be very hard to do. I asked him if this means that I’ll gain 15 pounds every 10 years or so, but he said that after gaining the weight that people typically gain when they go from young adulthood to middle age, they usually don’t gain more. You tend to lose weight when you’re old, though. Yeah, I figured and sensed that if I were ever 100 pounds again it’d be because I was old. Or very ill.

I contemplated just going through the 4-5 days of starvation to get down to 100 just to settle my curiosity and see if it is as easy to maintain as 115 is, but nah. Too much slavery just to almost be guaranteed to soar right back up here where I am in no time. It’s not natural to be thin at nearly 33 years of age. So, since I’ll never have a child, I should be around where I am throughout my life. I sure hope so, anyway. If I had had a child, I’d be hanging at an average of 140 for the rest of my life. Yuck!

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 17, 1998 According to Tom, Bill’s not here today. Is his car dead again?

I got a really long email from Evie and in it, she said that since the roof is a big job to do alone, to call if we want help. How can David help? He has a full-time job and two kids. Plus, from what Tom’s said, he doesn’t exactly have the brains for this kind of work.

Between the way I’ve been eating the last couple of days and being stuck, I’ve gained a couple of pounds, so I’m only gonna have a bite today. I don’t want to go over 115 pounds if I can help it.

We went out yesterday to Walgreens and Staples. At Staple’s, we looked at digital cameras and Tom looked for a game, but couldn’t find anything of interest. I got cartoon disks, some color changer/stamper markers, and more iron-on sheets for the T-shirts.

At Walgreens, we were gonna get stamps and a puzzle for me, but we forgot the stamps and their puzzles were boring, so we just got nuts and chips.

Red Lobster called again looking for Andy. Looking for Mark, actually, cuz that’s the name he prefers to use nowadays. Why would they call here? I told the guy he doesn’t live here and he thanked me and hung up. Did Andy ever resolve his problems with those coworkers? He hasn’t left any messages about it, and that call he made on Saturday was his last call to me.

Spot has some kind of growth on her leg. A tumor, I guess, but she doesn’t appear to be in any pain or having trouble getting around despite how big her leg is at the hip area, fortunately.

As figured, the traps caught no mice of any kind either in the back room or the garage.

It’s 32” from the top of my head to my lower ass where the ends of my hair are (the longest ends, anyway). So that means my hair is more than half my height since I’m 59”.

After nagging Tom for months to trim the hedges and tree, I feel bad about it. First of all, he can’t help being so busy and having no time for it, and even if he did have time to do it, he doesn’t want to. He hates that stuff just as much as I hate dusting and vacuuming. So, he shouldn’t be pushed to do anything he doesn’t want to do.

Tom and I talked about taking care of ourselves sexually. I told him I liked vibrators better than my hand and that I thought of women when I’d take care of myself since I don’t need to fantasize about him, cuz he’s not a fantasy. He’s here with me in real life. He said he thinks of nothing in particular but sex when he takes care of himself. So he definitely is taking care of relieving himself as I always believed, but this is good. Better to get off by yourself than in no way at all, and I totally understand. Some of us just prefer to get off by ourselves. It’s easier that way, although his reasons are different than mine. He gets off by himself so he can’t risk impregnating me. I do it cuz he can’t know what I’m feeling. Only I can, and only I know what’s best and how to hit the spot just right that feels best to me. It’s much harder to tell a person how to do you than it is to just do yourself, cuz you know yourself and what feels best to you better than anyone else. It’s too hard to get off when he’s on the side and it takes forever, I can’t get off with him up top, and although to be eaten out is my favorite, that too takes some time because I have to keep on constantly telling him to go down lower, or up higher, or lighter, or harder. So, I may as well just save the orgasms for my own time alone, just like he saves 99% of his for himself to take care of.

So, since having sex with him just doesn’t feel as good as doing it alone, and since there’s no child to conceive motivating me, this is why I’ve come to be glad that he’s got such a low drive himself and that our schedules and busyness don’t allow us to be consistent with the sex. It’s just not something I look forward to doing anymore. I love to be close to him and to spend time with him, but the sexual part of it is not like a chore for me, but just a bore. Just something that I do and something I just go through the motions of doing. Since we both would rather orgasm on our own, I wonder why we even bother at times.

Later…

Thank God we don’t live several houses behind us. I was out brushing my hair and watching Tom, although I couldn’t see much of him since he was now at the front of the house when I heard this dog with an incredibly obnoxious bark. Worse than what the freeloaders had and maybe even slightly worse than the guard dogs, too, but that one’s too close to call. It sounded like the dog that the trailer people had. I still haven’t seen them in ages, by the way, but anyway, it had a whining, shrilly type of bark that’s between a cry and a scream. If that thing were just a few feet away next door, I’d kill those freeloaders for sure for having that right outside my window, then I’d set the dog free. I wouldn’t even wait the time it’d take to have them come out and investigate her having a dog she’s not supposed to have, then demanding she gets rid of it. Thank fucking God for her and for me that she can’t have a dog, cuz some subsidized situations let you have a dog. The NHA lets you have one dog or cat that doesn’t exceed a certain height and length.

If all dogs’ bark were like the one across the street, then they’d be a little easier to live with. The one across the street doesn’t bark much and it has a lower, softer kind of bark. That shrieking thing that I just heard, though, wouldn’t be able to be drowned out by fans if it were just a few feet away. Fortunately, though, it’s far enough away that you can’t hear it in the house.

Later…

The rest of this month is gonna be pretty tough on me. I’ve got the crotch doctor to see on the 23rd and Melanie to see on the 29th. I got up at 8 AM today. It’s too soon between now and the 23rd to flip my schedule, which I couldn’t do anyway with Tom’s working on the roof, and then it’ll be too soon between the 23rd and the 29th to flip it, so I’m gonna have to stay on days for the rest of this month. It’s gonna be soooooo hard.

The freeloader was in for lunch. It parked on the street since it’s not Sunday and the city maybe won’t do a spot check. I commented to Tom that the bitch must be home since Bill was not there and he was coming to have lunch with her, but Tom said he doesn’t think she was home cuz he seems to only come over when she's not here. Yeah, could be. Besides, this bitch knows enough assholes just like herself to give her rides. But why would the cock only come here if she’s not here? If she doesn’t want him around, and it does seem like they’ve been avoiding each other, why doesn’t she get the key back from him? And also, why can’t he go to his own place for lunch? Is it further away from where he works? Doesn’t she feel used by him coming to eat her food for lunch and to use her washer and TV?

Well, at least the black boy is behaving. It’s not slamming doors or banging bass. In fact, I wouldn’t even know it was here if Tom didn’t tell me. He’s the one that saw its car from the roof.

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 16, 1998 Another day with Tom up on the roof. He said today’s going better than yesterday, but that if it takes till the weekend, fine. He had hoped to be done Tuesday, but since things take longer than expected, it may go till the weekend, but at least no rain is predicted all week.

I asked Tom if some of the roofing stuff will end up in their carport and he said yes, although he’s gonna do all he can to prevent that, naturally. I asked if he thought the bitch would run and try to have us served over it and he said no. She may not do that, but she’ll do something, although Tom disagrees. I’m thinking, though, we might be in for some more calls preaching racial harmony, although they’re gonna have to do that from a phone that they don’t mind us seeing the number to, like a payphone. So, maybe we’ll get some childish go-across-the-street-for-sex letters again.

The cock left right after the football game yesterday at 5:30 and there was no music or barbecue. Caddy kid’s on one of his absences, which is nice, but a spruce green car did bang by once. Other than that, it was a nice weekend, but as we get closer to the next weekend, I’ll be able to vibe whether or not it’ll be their turn to be heard. I know there’s to be a ruckus at least every 4 weekends or so, so we’ll see. They gotta put on some kind of show for me periodically to remind me they’re there.

I never did hear the bitch come in yesterday. Maybe she got in while I was listening to music, or in where the fan was on while reading, or after I’d crashed.

Later…

I was gonna go ahead and do some indexing of my '80s journals when I discovered 20 pages of journal 2 that I didn’t type up. How could I have missed it? Anyway, I typed and added that in.

I was surprised to wake up a pound lighter today when yesterday I had a TV dinner, popcorn, and 4 KFC chicken wings. As Tom said, maybe my body’s adjusting to not smoking. Maybe, but I’m still pretty sure I’ll stay at 115 pounds, give or take a few pounds, for a very long time.

Tom weighed himself too. He’s 213 pounds.

That dark green car just banged by again. It’s not as loud as Caddy Kid, but it still is way too loud. I can hear it long before he goes by the house. I can hear him while he’s still 15-20 houses away.

It looks like Tom’s not gonna be dismissed from jury duty, which won’t help with the roof work, cuz then he’ll have to take a day out of getting the roof done, just to go play court. That is unless he did get a dismissal notice that was delivered to N. 21 Dr.

No wonder this mailman keeps fucking up. I was wondering why he seemed to not give a shit. Why did he want to risk losing his job by being so careless with mail delivery? Well, as Tom pointed out and reminded me, he’s a government employee, practically invincible, and nearly impossible to get fired. So that’s why more mail is going to N. 21 Dr. I figured that he’d get written up and risk losing his job if I complained and that that would make him do his job right, but I was wrong. They don’t get written up. Somebody obviously talked to him, cuz we stopped getting other people’s mail twice a week. But what I didn’t realize at the time, like a stupid idiot, was that that’d only make him give more of our mail away and that’s apparently what he’s doing. I’d love to have a few minutes with this guy out front, but it wouldn’t do me no good. Besides, it won’t be the end of our world if we don’t get some of our mail, since most of it’s just junk and bills. I mean, I still don’t want my catalog I’m expecting to go to someone else, but if I don’t get it, I’ll just keep calling Ashton Drake till the mailman decides to give me one. We’ll have a PO Box when we move, though. Those are the best to have if you want to ensure that you’ll get your mail and your mail only and that others won’t get your mail, either.

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 15, 1998 The sister in the white car with the thick black trim picked the bitch up at 7:30 this morning.

Tom just went to pick up some more roofing shingles and so far, the project’s going well. Tom feels that the strenuous work is done and now it’s just tedious work from here. He says the bitch’s roof is really nice, but not over the carport and patio. He says that’s put on all wrong.

Tom told me that the guy had originally tried to deliver the dumpster to that lady on N. 21 Dr. and that she said she gets our mail, too. Yeah, I believe it. Fucking prick mailman! I shouldn’t have bothered complaining about him cuz all it did was cause him to cut down on giving us other people’s mail, but not from giving others our mail. If I had a choice, I’d rather get others’ mail than have others get ours. I’m sure he’s been giving a lot more of our mail to her too, since my complaint. People will concentrate more on spiting you and getting back at you, rather than saving their job. He obviously doesn’t care if he loses his job or not. Either that or he doesn’t think he can lose it. Some people think they’re invincible.

Later…

Tom just went on the roof for his first work session of the day. He says to call him down at 11:00 if he’s not down by then. He said he was glad to know that the roof replacement would be less time-consuming and less costly than expected, but that he has to work with this messy black stuff that he hoped he wouldn’t have to.

Still no signs of Tanner. I really believe she got out of the house. Well, if I’m as right as I appear to be and sense I am, I hope she’s enjoying herself out there. Still, I looked to see if I could find duties or chewed paper, but couldn’t find any signs of her around the house.

Later…

The bitch isn’t back yet. She might not be back till 1:00 or 2:00.

I constantly have dreams with Dureen and Art in them. Even before I ditched them I did, but now it bothers me more, for obvious reasons. I closed the chapter of my life that included these people, so I don’t need them in my dreams. And in these dreams, I almost never know Tom. I’m almost always single.

Thursday night it was them taking me out to dinner or to some kind of party.

Friday night I was single, in my own apartment, and dancing again, and I happened to live right near them. So I walked over to their place and you could tell they were still mad at me, but they opened the door and let me in anyway. We really didn’t say much to each other. Marty was there and so was Goldie. Ma sewed something for me. Then after a while, I got up and said, “Maybe I’ll come see you again sometime.”

Last night they left me alone. If they were in any dreams, I don’t recall them.

There was a dream with Tom in it, though. Yeah, a nightmare that woke me up. I was able to go back to sleep after a while, though. We lived in a big 2-story house with a wide front porch. Tom was upstairs. I had the front door open and thought I heard a footstep out there so I went to check. At the same time, I saw the guy standing off to the side of the front door, he saw me. He was in his late teens or early 20s. I don’t know what he wore for clothes, but he had boots on of some kind. He had longish light brown hair that was wavy. He said a couple of things to me during the course of the dream, but I only remember the second thing he said which was, “Looks like you’ve been thinking about me.” I reacted in utter fear and began running to the stairs with this guy following. I called out Tom’s name, but due to my fear, my voice was too soft. I had just hit the bottom steps and called out Tom’s name loud enough when I woke up.

My reaction in this dream, though, was way out of real-life character for me. I was terrified in the dream, but in real life, I’d be way too pissed for any fear. I’d be furious that a stranger was invading my territory, as I’m very protective of my property and stuff after having Dureen and people at the Brattleboro Retreat and Valleyhead fuck with so much of my stuff. Stuff that meant a lot to me. I’d have reacted with an inhumane kind of fury and I’d have probably pounced on the dude whether or not he was armed. I’d take my chances of being killed before I’d just lay down and let someone abuse me or my stuff.

What I wonder is, do they constantly dream about me, too? I highly doubt Dureen, Art or Larry dream of me constantly. I feel like it’s only me that has them intrude upon my waking thoughts and intrude upon my dreams, but I can never know for sure what’s in their thoughts and dreams.

I’m almost back to 115 pounds. As I approach my period, I’ll be more like 117-118. God, my body is so comfortable at 115! I didn’t have to eat much more to get back up here. As is the case half of the time, though, I’m fucking starving right after I just had a TV dinner. I may give myself a break today and eat whenever I’m hungry. I can’t do that all the time like I used to, though, or else I’ll be 200 pounds eventually.

Tom surprised me last night by telling me he wanted sex this morning. I didn’t think we’d get around to that till next weekend. I’m around mid-cycle, and I couldn’t believe it, but he not only didn’t use the bathroom before sex, I thought he was gonna cum, too. Unless he was acting, he was close. I thought his excuse was gonna be that he was too horny. The most ridiculous one of them all. That’s like saying you’re too thirsty to take a drink. It was that he was too sore from yesterday’s hard work, which very well could’ve been the truth. Yeah, I think he was telling the truth. Lately, he seems to be making a point of letting me know it when he doesn’t cum. As if the guilt of keeping quiet and letting me “think” he’s cumming regularly is setting in.

Those that can get hard can cum. It’s those that can’t get hard to begin with that can’t cum. Nonetheless, he seems content and happy and that’s what counts.

Later…

I absolutely don’t believe it. The cock’s actually parked in the driveway! I haven’t heard any music yet, but I don’t like this being in the driveway deal. It is the weekend, though, so the city’s not gonna check up on that house, but since I knew they’d kiss and make up eventually, does this mean he’s moving back? He’s out of here if he even thinks for a minute he’s moving back here, cuz I’ll be damned if I’ll go back to listening to his music or his constant door-slamming that went on 6 times a day for 5 minutes each. It ain’t gonna happen, Mike, so don’t even think of it. You come back here, you’re outa here! And I’m gonna go even further than eviction, I’m gonna lay his ass right out front here if he goes back to his old shit, so help me God! I’ll do it right in front of any kids that may be over there too, and show them just what happens to naughty freeloaders who don’t give a fuck about others and who harass and provoke people that never did shit to them in the first place. Cock, you better be just visiting or your ass is mine! It’s fucking mine for once and for all like it should’ve been nearly 3 years ago.

I wish this bitch and that nothing piece of shit she’s with would break the fuck up and stay that way like 98% of the couples in this world do, but fat chance. They’ll probably be together on and off forever. And even if she had someone new tomorrow, it’d be just like this little fuck. A bitch like that that’s that selfish and rude could only get someone just as selfish and rude.

The cock isn’t seeing its freeloader during the week too much these days, so it’s my wishful thinking that he’s here just to see the kid. I know better, though. It’s her he wants to see. Probably wants to get laid.

Later…

When Tom came down to take a break, I asked him if he heard the cock bang in, since it’s hard to tell the difference with all the banging he’s making from up there. He said he didn’t hear a sound and didn’t even see his car there. I asked him if he thought the cock was moving in and he said no. Also, I asked if he thought they could hear it in their house through their double-paned windows and he said not a lot. It’s all the hammering that’s to begin on Monday and Tuesday that’ll be heard as he goes to put on the new shingles. But then that bitch won’t be there to hear it. Bill will be, but I ain’t got nothing against him. He never did me any wrong.

Anyway, Tom said he’s 100% sure that there’s no way rainwater, no matter how hard it rains, will get into the house when he’s done.

Later…

Tom came down for a break a while ago, and a half-hour ago, the cock left. All he heard from the living room was a car door, but no engine. I, who was in the kitchen, heard nothing. Then it came back a few minutes later and neither of us heard it. Tom guessed that he was here watching football and doing its laundry since there was male clothing on the line out back. They only have a washer in their washroom. No dryer. The cock probably lives in an apartment complex and if it has laundry rooms, good luck getting a machine on a weekend. When I lived at the Vista, I never did my laundry on weekends.

Another reason why we could be so blessed to get all the way into mid-November without any ball games is cuz the basketball people are now on strike. Although this doesn’t stop a sick bitch from sending kids she knows to take over next weekend in the noise department and give us back a taste of our own medicine with the banging and thumping. Nor would it stop the little girl who’s about 10 and lives at the guard dog’s house from playing. She wouldn’t care whether or not there was a strike.

Later…

Eileen wants more computer work. Of course she does. The house is sold. Oh, how I get the urge to call her back and say, “Look. There’s no time for him to work for you for cupcakes. We have too much of our own work to do, so buzz off!”

The bitch should be in any sec now, but the wuss puss just left and it wasn’t alone. Some other guy was with him and one of them did have a bag that could’ve had clothes in it.

Yeah, he never would’ve come and gone this quietly if it weren’t for the city letters. At least I don’t think he would and I doubt he got a sudden trait of consideration, either.

Later…

Tom just came down for a break and says there are still clothes on the line. Maybe they belong to the teenage boy that supposedly still lives there. Or maybe the cock and whoever was with it is gonna return later for them.

I set up a trap in the back room, but both of us think Tanner got outside. Tomorrow I’ll set up a trap in the garage. If it’s triggered, I’ll have to open the trap up outside slowly in case it’s not Tanner, cuz Tanner will just sit there, but a wild mouse will come shooting out of that thing.

Later…

Cock’s back. I really, really hope that this hanging out here on weekends is gonna be a rare thing. His presence really bugs me. The more he comes around, the more likely he is to stay here. This is a pattern I’ve noticed before. I will get him out of here if he does move back. No doubt about it. But it’s a fucking hassle. Just another hassle in my life that I don’t need and would rather not have to deal with. Maybe they’ll get into a fight again soon enough. They always do. Anyway, I’m sure he’s got a few more trips to make before he leaves for the night. I remember his weekends here oh so well. He’d come and go at least 6 times a day.

Cleaning up after the roof is all done is gonna be a bitch! There are nails and bits of roofing all around the sides of the house, and when he just went to dump the solar panel into the dumpster, glass shattered all over. What a fucking bitch it’ll be cleaning that up!

Later…

The fluorescent kitchen light just died. Great. Just what we need.

Tom’s calling it quits for the day. As I knew it would, it’s taking him longer than he planned. Also, he thought today’s work would be easier than yesterday’s, but nope. That’s not what he says now. My biggest question is, will it rain on him and ruin what he’s done and flood our house? They say clouds won’t be rolling in till Tuesday, which is a typical day for clouds to come in. If it’s gonna rain, it usually rains on Mondays or Tuesdays. Some weekday, anyway. Even if it’s clear until Wednesday, what if the job takes him a week longer than he expected? He always overestimates things.

Later…

The bitch isn’t back yet and the cock’s still here. If the bitch came back while we were out getting KFC and Arby’s, I wouldn’t know it, but I’ll know it if she comes in while we’re here by the door slamming and possible yelling I’ll hear. Tom thinks the cock knew she had somewhere to go all day and planned on coming over to do laundry and watch football.

Tom said he saw the cock come in with food bags, so there might be a barbecue. They can do anything they want, they just can’t pummel my house with their bass, nor can they bang and thump for hours a few feet away from my house with a basketball.

Tom said that at least 3 houses were playing loud music, but I didn’t hear a thing. He said the people across the street had music going while they were cleaning up the place for the renters. He said he could hear people cheering on the Minnesota Vikings down the street and then the lady came out of the music people’s house where the band used to piss me the fuck off, and she yelled, “I hate the Minnesota Vikings!”

Blackie doesn’t want to come in to eat and meow. He just wants to meow outside.

It’s a hot one out there today! It’s close to 90º.

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 14, 1998 Apparently, they rented the house across the street. They’re moving out right now. There’s a big moving truck out there now. Well, I’ll know as soon as the renters get here by all the barking I’ll hear. I know it won’t do me any good, but they’ll be getting a letter from me about it and more. Speaking of barking, I thought it was a pretty quiet day for barking yesterday when Tom did a little work on the roof, but he said that wasn’t the case. He said 6-8 dogs in the area were going off, but I guess that the noise from the air cleaner drowned that out.

The big dumpster came yesterday. It’s 22’ long and is almost my height. After the roofing stuff is in it, we’re gonna use this as an opportunity to ditch some big bulky stuff we don’t want, and I’d love to see that tree in front trimmed once and for all, but I won’t count on it. I just can’t get Tom to keep up on the yard work, but hopefully, I won’t have more than 8 more months of pushing him to mow and trim hedges and trees.

We made a schedule of work times for him today and breaks. At 9:00 he began working and I’ll call him down for a break at 10:45. Then he’ll go up there again at 11:00-12:45, then from 1:15-3:00, and 3:00-5:00. I was wrong in assuming he’s doing just the back room and garage area. He’s replacing the whole entire roof. He said we’re very lucky it didn’t leak in all the rooms since the roof is in horrible condition.

Later…

I was just outside and I didn’t hear any dogs, amazingly, since it is the weekend after all. It’s early still. I wish I could know that that bitch is trying to sleep in and can’t! But mothers don’t get to sleep in, and even if this one could, it’d sleep like a log. It’d sleep right through it with my luck.

Miss Bitch is gonna be awfully confused when she sees not only strange pictures in her little package but also a key. Tom had me ditch his ma’s old house keys and I stuck one of them into the bitch’s manila envelope. Every now and then I mix in senseless mumbo jumbo, of course, and I wrote something about enclosing the key to my heart and the key to my house.

I woke up at 112 pounds today. Wow. And I had at least 1400 calories yesterday.

Thank you, God, that due to him having a cold, then having this project with the roof, I’m not into sex with him anymore or wanting to hopelessly try for a kid. We haven’t had sex in a while and it’ll certainly be a while before we do, but my love for this man just isn’t sexual. It’s all emotional. So, it’s due to how I’ve become that makes the part-time, intermittent sex tolerable.

Here’s Andy’s first of what I’m sure will be many calls to come. If he’s gonna be a pest I’ll just ignore him. He needs to take care of his own problems over the weekend. I’ve got too much shit to do helping Tom, doing laundry, etc.

Later…

Well, he didn’t leave a message, but he let his name show up on the box, which means he was really hoping I’d see it was him and pick up, but can’t he wait and talk to me once a week? He’s such a pest!

Later…

An hour and 45 minutes is too long for him to be working up there, so we’ve cut down his time up there and lengthened his breaks.

He said he heard music coming from a house across the street that was about 3 houses away, but I didn’t hear anything. He also said one of the movers across the street asked him if he was having fun, but I didn’t hear that either. I can’t believe how quiet they’ve been across the street, but with Tom’s working, which sounds like people are basing by, it makes no difference.

Wait till I tell him Tanner’s missing. I don’t know if I lost her today when I changed the cages, or sometime earlier, but she’s gone. I prayed to God to let me find her, but as usual, I was ignored.

The moving truck’s gone, but there’s a pickup full of stuff out there still.

God, don’t compensate me for the peace I’ve had around here with dogs and kids, please! It’s true, though, that this is the longest stretch of peacetime around here. Ever since the cock left last July, with just an occasional ruckus since. A couple of bouts of music, some door-slamming, some voices, and that’s it. The only real constant nuisance around here is the guard dogs.

Later…

Tom took a break for an hour and went back to work a little while ago. I’ll be calling him down for another break at 2:30.

So far, no freeloaders have felt obligated to join in the ruckus Tom’s making, but if they don’t this weekend, they may very well take next weekend as their weekend to be heard. They wouldn’t want to be left out, I’m sure.

It’s been a very quiet move across the street. It wouldn’t have woken me up if I were asleep.

I’m surprised the pest hasn’t called again. Unfortunately, he’s got weekends off. The time I want to be bothered the least. He can’t sit at home and entertain himself. As he admits, he has no hobbies and hates to do things. All he likes is TV, music, pot and the phone. Food, too, but since he’s off the pot at this time, it’s food, phone, TV and music, but that’s not enough for him. It drives him up the wall to just be alone and listen to music or watch TV and he’s only got so much money to put into food. He’s got to talk to people cuz he’s lonely. The phone is his number one thing.

Tom’s not making too, too much noise, although he’s still at the back of the house. Let’s just say that the freeloaders may not hear him as well as I’d like for them to hear him. Remember, they also have double-paned windows.

I can concentrate just fine throughout Tom’s bopping around up there. I can tune it out and do what I’m doing with it being background noise just like a fan would be. I’m aware of it. Meaning, I know he’s up there banging around, but I can still carry on and do my thing. That’s the difference between some asshole out there that is deliberately trying to piss you off, and him.

I’m still not sure whether I lost Tanner today or earlier, but I have a very strong feeling I’ll never see her again and that she got out of the house. Part of being a rodent owner/breeder, though, is that they come and go constantly since they don’t live very long to begin with. Even though I’m used to not having pets for too long and am used to a lot of different pets coming and going, she will be missed.

Later…

Tom just came down and reported a white car came to get the bitch. Yeah, the sister usually gets her at this time of day on Saturdays. She’ll either be back in a couple of hours or late tonight.

Since I’m not walking anymore, I’m forced to do stomach crunches again for the sake of my lower back. That lower back pain’s back again where it feels like my spine’s being pulled apart. I didn’t realize walking was helping my back, but it obviously was. At first I was pissed about it since these exercises don’t do shit to flatten or firm my stomach, but at least they do help my back, so it’s not like I’m getting absolutely nothing out of doing them and they only take a few minutes to do.

This battery charger is really cool. I slip in the 3 batteries that go in my vibrator, and a red light lights up next to each battery. You know they’re recharged when the lights go out.

Tom thinks Tanner can get up the step that’s in between the back room and the rest of the house, but I don’t know. It seems a little high for such a mellow mouse. I’m surprised that of all the mice, it was Tanner who escaped. If anyone would get away, I’d think it’d be Bandit.

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 13, 1998 Woke up at 113 pounds. Andy’s being a pest again, but it’s OK. I’d want someone to be there for me if I were in his shoes. He’s basically just tired and totally worn out, even though he loves being so busy. Keeps his mind off of pot and loneliness. He’s also fed up with a couple of people at Red Lobster. Why doesn’t he just quit Red Lobster? Isn’t his job of refilling meds enough to support him so long as he stays clean? Anyway, he’s to be calling me soon to bitch about it.

I saw Tom for a minute when I got up. He was just on his way out the door and he told me he left a message for me. In his message, he said he was 1000% better. This was a fairly easy cold for him, which looks like I’m gonna be very lucky to escape catching. If I had just looked at him from a distance when he had a cold from 1989-1992, I’d have caught it.

He also said that there’s a good chance the dumpster will be delivered before he gets home, so if I want to, but it’s up to me, I can tell them to put it in the front driveway (he’ll park in the back driveway, and it’s a good thing we’re on the corner) and give them the check that’s on the fridge. Yes, I can competently handle that.

At first I thought, what kind of shit will our rude neighborhood kids throw in it? But it’s a dumpster. They can throw whatever shit they want in it.

It’s only been 2½ hours since I ate, and I am fucking starving! Doesn’t my stomach know it was so recently fed? Anyway, I’m having tea and coffee to put something in my stomach, but I don’t want to eat again till around 9:00 if I can help it. I try to eat just three times a day. When I get up, then 5 or 6 hours later, then for the last time 5 or 6 hours later. It seems that whenever I drop below 115 pounds, I get so damn hungry. My body just can’t take it anymore being under 115 pounds, but that’s OK, I’ll be back to 115 soon enough. I believe I’ll be 115 for a long time. Like many years.

After critiquing myself in the mirror, I’m still fortunate enough to have a nice ass. It’s gone soft and it’s cratered, but it’s small and it’s not sagging. My hips have gone down, but my stomach and thighs would still be disproportionately huge even if I were 90 pounds. I feel the same about this face. What happened to this face?! It’s bigger now at 113 pounds than it was when I was in the 130s years ago. Guess part of it is age.

Later…

Wow. That was quiet for the freeloaders. There are usually at least 4-5 door slams and some talking or yelling when they all leave in the morning, but this morning, all I heard was one soft car door, then the engine started up. Bill and Mistake will be back shortly, which is no big deal. I mean, there’s not a lot of door-slamming. Nothing could be as bad as the slamming I’d get from that cock when it’d park deep in the carport. Oh, God! I wanted to go out there and slam his head sooooo fucking bad! I almost did, too. Several times.

Speaking of slamming heads, I may have to do so for Andy’s sake, but I hope he can solve his own problems, so I don’t have to have the hassle of doing it for him. I’m sure he’ll take care of it himself. He always finds a way to. If my kicking ass is the only way to help him, I will, even though God will make me pay dearly for it. A couple of guys at work are saying mean, cruel, hurtful things to him. These guys are gay, so it’s not like they’re gay-bashing Andy. They’re just telling him he’s so ugly and jealous, petty, childish shit like that. Andy isn’t as intimidating and as aggressive as I can be, so to these guys, that’s an invitation to keep on doing what they’re doing. As I’ve learned, sometimes kicking ass is the only way to get someone off of someone’s case, so let’s just let them hope I don’t have to deal with them, cuz if I do, they certainly won’t be bothering Andy anymore.

It’s funny to hear him, though, cuz he talks to me just like I talk to Tom. He goes from subject to subject real fast and on and on and on, and most of the things he tells me are things he’s told me a million times already.

He told me about talking to Marla, other family members, Stevie Nick’s parents, and so much more. Then he thanked me for being there for him and for being such a dedicated friend.

He was telling me he doesn’t want conflict with people nowadays. He just wants to live life in peace. We were talking about karma, too, and how what goes around really does come around. At least it does for us, anyway.

Andy’s life may have changed very little in the last decade, but he’s become a better person in a lot of ways. Before, all Andy wanted to do was pick fights, cut people down, and he basically had no empathy whatsoever for others who were depressed or having problems of some kind.

Speaking of Marla, I’ve gone and left one more message (this is the second in several months) saying: Hi, I’m glad Andy’s pot-free and happier, we’re fine, hope you are too.

If I don’t get a reply, I won’t ever bother with her again, but if she’s got a problem with me, it’s too bad she can’t come out and say so. I don’t see how she could have a problem with me, though. I haven’t done anything wrong to her or anyone she knows, so I guess she’s just busy. She is a mom and she works too, and doesn’t really have a life. However, if she doesn’t want to contact me for any reason, that’s her choice and her right, and I don’t want to have contact with anyone who doesn’t want contact with me.

Anyway, Andy said he really wants to stick out Red Lobster. He’s there part-time, and he’s with the pharmaceutical company full-time. He doesn’t want to run from his problems, and he needs the extra money. It’s an easy job for $100 a week. He’s really quite fed up with restaurant work, though, cuz it’s so much like being in high school with all the gossip and cliques and people pitting people against others. Yeah, I know all about it. Knowing Dureen, Art, and their son, sister, brother-in-law, and others was like being in high school all in itself.

Thanksgiving is on the 26th. So, what will Miss Bitch and her sick associates do? Will it be like last Easter? Or will she and her wussy pussy boy toy take off somewhere? Although, they ain’t getting along very well right now from what I know. She still has her sick cronies that are just as low as she is, so since people that are assholes usually get along just fine with other assholes, they should have no trouble getting together somewhere. God, I’d have to hate myself and have absolutely no self-respect whatsoever to hang with that black bitch. I know that type of person and the types of people that hang with people like that. The bitch loves to shit on her friends and they love to shit right back on her. Not only do they love shitting on each other, but they love to get shit on by each other just as much. It’s sick. It really is!

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 12, 1998 Well, I guess Bill’s back in the swing of things and so is the bitch. Just a few minutes ago I heard yelling between a female and a male, which I thought was the bitch and cock, but nope. The male, who I could barely hear over the bitch, was Bill. And since the cock’s obviously pissed off at its bitch at the moment, Bill looks like he’s taking the bitch off this morning. First the bitch loads up its animal, then they all leave, and Bill returns with the animal till they go get the bitch at the end of the day. I just saw the bitch slam one of the doors in a very angry fashion. Is this bitch ever happy? I’ll bet most of her fits and yelling are in regard to me. Yes, she’s naturally a hell of a mean, aggressive, boisterous, selfish, rude bitch, who doesn’t give a damn about anyone but herself, but I’m sure some of the yelling is in the hopes of me hearing it and being woken up by it. Well, take my word for it, you scrawny little sack of bones, if you were waking me up, you’d be outa here flat on your ass before you even knew what hit you! Your eviction is just a phone call away if that’s what it ever came down to, you little witch bitch!

It’s really too damn bad this bitch loves noise, cuz with the roofing adventure that’s about to come down, the whole block’s gonna be hearing it get torn up and replaced.

My ear is blocked. The good one, I mean. It seems that since getting the bad one fixed, the good ear’s giving me problems, but as a rule, most of us must be compensated like I’ve said a million times. I put some ear wax removal, some alcohol, and some peroxide in it, but it isn’t loosening up whatever’s stuck down there, so I’ll just let it work itself out in its own time.

Tom’s at the end of his cold now, which I’ve been fortunate not to catch. He’s mainly left with a bad cough.

Tom’s using the same dumpster service he used when he ordered a dumpster to clean out Ma’s house, and he’s having a dumpster delivered here between noon-3:00 tomorrow. This weekend’s when he’ll be tearing the old roof off, then Monday-Wednesday is when the new one goes on. The crucial part as far as rain goes is when he’s stripping the old roof and there’s nothing at all there to keep the rain out, but since it rarely rains on the weekends, he should be in luck and I hope God’s on our side and will help us help ourselves.

I don’t know if all the racket will draw the kid into ball games or what, but we’ll see. I wonder if they’ll think we’ve moved and that the city bought our house when they see the dumpster?

Andy called to let me know he’s so happy in life now and loves his new job. Whenever he’d get customers complaining of him being rude at restaurants, he’d get fired for it, but now, all he has to do is turn them over to customer service. His job is to refill medications, not answer questions, so when this woman was being all snotty to him, he did what he was told to do and he just turned her on over to customer service. So, he’s glad he doesn’t have to deal with these rude assholes.

Yesterday we went shopping and it was a fun day. I had great doll luck!

First we went to the bookstore to get some books. They didn’t have a copy of that book that was misnumbered, but the guy, who’s the same guy that’s always been there when we’d go there, gave me a credit slip for $5.50 and told me to keep the book so we could trade next time I go there.

Then we went to the Metro Mall which was closed, so we stopped at a fast-food drive-through to kill time. Then we went to Sears, cuz Tom had to replace something, but I waited in the car. When the mall opened, we found that they had no dolls, so then it was off to the Christown Mall where they had 3 really nice dolls. The best one there, which was Spanish or maybe even oriental of some kind, was out of my league at just over $400. There was another black or Indian doll that was nice, but she wore a hideous outfit. Then there was Bailey. Beautiful, long-haired Bailey for $283. Although yet another blue-eyed blond, she was so beautiful so I told the lady there that I wanted to check out one more store but may be back to buy her.

So then it was off to Dolls, Bears & Surprises to look at their large dolls. Obviously, neither the guy that works there nor the woman that works there knows much about what they’re doing, cuz the 28” dolls they had were $500. Not $300-$400. There was one large one that was OK, and a couple of other medium-sized ones that were nice, too, with nice faces, but they were all $500. He said in a month or so he’d have 36” dolls coming in from Germany that’d be $350. Well, this guy doesn’t always know what he’s saying when it comes to height and prices, and the woman doesn’t quite know her dolls either, cuz Patrice was there and I’ll bet you she was there all along. That’s OK, though, cuz I’ll have her sooner or later, but guess who else was there as a nice surprise bonus? Rapunzel herself! So I bought her, and now I’ll only be ordering one more doll from Ashton Drake. One more for a while, anyway, and I’m thrilled that my doll purchases are going as planned.

So, excitedly, it was back to get Bailey, but the gate was down over the store entrance. It’s only run by one person, so she obviously had to break for lunch or to use the bathroom, so we went into Walmart to look at their digital cameras which don’t use film, which Tom’s gonna be getting with his money, and we went into Radio Shack, too, but they didn’t have any.

By then, the store was open again and I bought Bailey. I couldn’t resist that sweet, angelic face and that long straight hair. I could’ve dropped the lollipop doll and gotten the Spanish one in the back of the store, but I said nah. And besides, she was a little over my limit cuz she wasn’t just $400. She was $435. However, I do intend to get a doll of some kind of color someday, be it black, Spanish, or Indian.

For now, I still have all blondes, but I finally have brown eyes which Rapunzel has. Her dress isn’t as bad as it looked in the catalog. It’s dark green with gold accents on the sleeves, in the front at the bottom, and in the flowers that are on the sides and bottom of the dress. I don’t know what you’d call the thing on her head, but it’s a combination of the same material that’s in her dress, and there are a bow and pearls too, that circle down over her forehead, with a diamond in the center.

They pulled hairs at the sides back into a swirl of curls at the back of her head that looks nice, and there are short curls that frame her face, too. Anne and Jessica have a yellow-blond shade of hair, but Summer Dream, Rapunzel, and Bailey have a darker blond. Especially Summer Dream and Rapunzel. Rapunzel’s was a bit frizzy when I got her, so I steamed it to smooth it down. It’s wavy, and if you pull it straight, it’s a few inches past her feet. Left alone, though, it’s to the hem of her dress, which goes down to her shoes, which are quite fancy. They’re black with gold circles. Although she’s about the same height as Summer Dream and taller than Jessica, her face and arms are thicker, which I like better. She may even be thicker than Anne. Jessica’s 14”, Anne’s 17”, Rapunzel’s 19”, Summer Dream’s 20”, and Bailey’s 24”.

Their prices in the mall store are weird too, cuz they had dolls smaller than Bailey that weren’t nearly as nice as she is, for $400 and up. She wasn’t in any fancy costume, though, just a sleeper, so maybe that’s why.

Bailey. Isn’t that an odd name for a girl? Sounds like a boy’s name to me, but it’s better than Gertrude. Anyway, Bailey’s not as big as I expected, but big enough. Standing up straight, she’d be 24”. Bailey doesn’t have a stand. She’s a sitting doll. She’s also the most flexible and realistic looking, next to Summer Dream. Her head moves and her arms and legs do too, but her legs are permanently bent at the knees. She’s proportioned really well, and her hands and feet look just like a real toddler. She came barefoot in light blue pajamas of light cotton material (1 piece), with matching light blue bows in her hair at the sides of her head above her ears. She’s my first doll who’s not wearing a dress, and this is two dolls wearing light blue and three wearing blue altogether that I have.

I polished her fingernails and toenails red. I’ve never seen doll eyes as real-looking as hers. In her eyes, you can see the flecks of colors that real eyes have. They’re not just one solid color with a black dot in the middle.

She’s got the best hair of them all which I do believe is human. It’s nearly to her knees. Her hair is straight and non-frizzy. I love it.

It’s hard at this point, to decide who’s my favorite, but it ain’t Jessica or Anne. I’d say it’s Bailey.

Jessica, Anne, and Summer Dream are in the music room now. Rapunzel’s got Anne’s spot in the living room and Bailey’s sitting on the recliner in the bedroom. When I get the three more dolls I hope to get, two of them will go in the music room to stand on the vanity with Anne and Jessica, and Patrice will be the one to stand in the bedroom, or maybe I can make room for her at the side of my monitor. Patrice is looking upward so I don’t want her up too high. Besides, if she’s up too high, you can see where her head attaches to her neck. I’m surprised her neck and upper body aren’t all one piece like Rapunzel’s and Summer Dream’s are.

So I’ve got Patrice on her way in December, I’ll probably order the lollipop one, and I’m hoping to get Edie with any birthday money I may get. If anyone beats me to her, I’ll turn the money into CDs, but we’ll see. Edie has that Spanish look, and the store still has two of her just like they did when I got Anne.

I can’t believe I already have 5 dolls and 1998 isn’t over yet! I didn’t plan on having my 5th doll till maybe mid-2000 if I were lucky, but after I get the next three I hope to get, I’ll probably take a break for a while. Yes, there are so many more I’d love to have, but they’re pretty expensive! Most of the dolls I’d want that aren’t from Ashton Drake are $400-$500. We’ll just have to wait and see how much money’s left over from buying new furniture for the new house. If there’s any left over, maybe I’ll get another big doll or that gorgeous pink, shiny southwestern wall hanging I saw for $400 marked down from $600. I plan to stop in a southwestern store anyway, for lamps and a few decorations to really give the new place that southwestern look in the midst of these dolls and pictures of pianos and stuffed animals and stuff that has nothing to do with the desert at all.

Later…

Yesterday was great for shopping weather-wise, cuz it was cloudy and cool. Because it’s always so hot and so sunny here, it’s a nice change to not be sweating my ass off and to not have the sun blaring in my eyes. It’s cloudy and cool today too, but the weather channel says it’s to clear up for the weekend, as is usually the case. This is the one weekend where I won’t wish it’d rain.

Tom’s feeling better and got some of the roofing stuff. He needs to get more stuff, but his car can only hold so much.

I moved Bailey out into the living room. She’s sitting on the speaker now, and Rapunzel’s on top of the TV.

I began scanning more family pictures and I may scan more. I figured what the hell, there’s room for it, and it’s always nice to have them backed up on the computer.

What happened to Andy? He leaves me a message saying how happy he is, then not even 12 hours later, I get a frantic message from him. Well, he wasn’t frantic, but he sounded anxious, depressed, and on the verge of panicking. I didn’t even know he left a message early this morning till a couple of hours after he left it. I was either listening to music or in the tub when he called, then I didn’t notice the caller ID box blinking right away. All he said was he thought I’d be awake and could really use someone to talk to. I called him back at that point but got no answer, so hopefully he took care of whatever the problem was, then went to work.

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 11, 1998 The low-pitched guard dog’s going off now. What the fuck would be going on to stir it up at this hour? You know, sometimes I don’t think they have a reason to go off. I think they just like to go off for no reason at all.

Bill’s car is out of commission still. It wasn’t next door yesterday, and from the looks of it, the bitch and kid stayed home all day. If the city/state’s providing her with a training/work program, can’t they provide her a ride, and can’t they provide the kid with daycare? I guess not. But it’s not their responsibility to, either. When you go and have a kid, it’s your responsibility to take care of it and if you can’t even take care of yourself and pay for your own expenses, you can’t pay for a kid’s, and therefore, you shouldn’t have the kid. It’s not the city’s job to pay for those who are too stupid to have kids they shouldn’t have, and who won’t get themselves jobs and it really pisses me the fuck off knowing our hard-earned tax dollars are going to that bitch! That bitch is able-bodied enough and able to keep a schedule. She should have no excuse for not being able to support at least herself.

If the cock didn’t take the bitch or mistake anywhere yesterday, then what did it come over for? Maybe the bitch decided to call it quits with whatever she’s been doing, and he was pissed cuz she didn’t call him to tell him not to bother coming if that’s the case.

Enough about the lazy bitch, cuz guess where we’re going this morning? To the doll store I got Anne at! I hope to hell I find the big doll I want!! For $300 I’ll be damned if I’ll settle, but if none of their 28” dolls appeal to me, which is the height of their biggest dolls which range from $300-$400, I’ll go look in the mall again or wherever.

Tom didn’t have to work last night cuz of the veteran’s holiday, so he slept last night instead. He said in the message he left me that although he’s sniffling and coughing a bit, he should be well-rested for going out today and feeling well enough for it. At least the store’s open today. I called them yesterday to find out.

I don’t have a bad vibe concerning next door, fortunately.

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 10, 1998 Began spotting on the 4th and had my so-called full flow today, but it was nothing. Already, my period’s ending, too. I had way more cramps for the period.

I called Ashton Drake for a catalog, and if I was told right, Patrice ought to be here for Christmas. The woman said something about them planning to have her shipped for the holiday, so I guess she’ll be here in 6 weeks, but they should’ve asked first if I wanted her shipped for the holiday. I didn’t want her for Christmas. I wanted her now.

Tom’s still sick but went to work. He said he’ll come home if he doesn’t feel well.

Later…

I couldn’t believe I woke up at 115 pounds after eating all I ate yesterday. I went crazy with the food yesterday. I just couldn’t fill up. No matter what I ate, I was still hungry. I had a TV dinner, two hot dogs, two bags of popcorn, two pieces of toast, and two ham and cheese pockets. At least 3000 calories! Today I’m only allowing myself a TV dinner, a bag of popcorn, and a can of soup. Although I’ve been sticking to 114-115 like glue, and although it’s not too much work to stay at that weight, I still do have to work at it. If I could suddenly be 100 pounds at the snap of my fingers, maybe I could maintain it as easily as I can maintain the 115 pounds after all. However, the trouble is getting there. I can’t get to 100 pounds to know if I could hold it or not. I could if I starved, but it’d take many days of starving to do it, so, no thanks. Even though it’s just 15 pounds away, no thanks. Too much slavery and too unnatural in this day and age.

Later…

It’s coming up on 7:00 and I haven’t heard or seen anything next door. She might be stuck at home due to her stupidity and irresponsibility in having that kid. If she can’t get anyone else to take her to and from school/work, and to watch the mistake, she could very well be trapped at home wishing she’d taken birth control 4 years ago so she could get on with life. I hope she isn’t stuck at home, though, cuz you know what that’d mean. That’d mean some of her lazy, jobless friends would be slamming over and doing God only knows what and I ain’t about to listen to it.

Later…

Well, well. The cock’s on the street now. Been there for about 10 minutes. Is he taking the bitch off? Taking the mistake? Waiting for someone? I’ll have to spy some more to see.

Later…

Whoa! Mikey, Mikey! Are we pissed this morning, or what? I thought I heard them yelling, but couldn’t be sure. Then some of what I just saw makes no sense. The cock yelled out something as it walked alone to its car. It was dressed up in black pants, a white dress shirt, and a tie. It had a gray wool cap on, too. This is the longest time it’s had the same car. Anyway, it opened the passenger side of its car, but I didn’t see anyone get in or out. Then it slammed it shut in aggravation, got into the driver’s side, took off a few feet, then backed up a few feet, opened and shut its door, then it left. Fucking weird-ass mother-fucker!

So, is both the bitch and mistake home? Is someone else coming, or what?

Later…

After the cock left, I haven’t seen anybody or any vehicles since.

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 9, 1998 I fell asleep for a few hours after having to take Benadryl due to an allergy fit.

Tom said the mailman just left Summer Dream outside and said he didn’t see why he wouldn’t have, anyway. So she was here when he came back from the tracks, and I just had to be asleep. Patrice will come when I’m asleep, too.

When I got my email from Evie, I was asking myself if this was part of the breakdown Tom said she may be heading for, but who knows? All I know is that she sure did sound like my sister this time around. Let’s see, she had a fever, a bowel obstruction, the flu, and may have to have her appendix out, too. I think there’s more but can’t remember what else she said went wrong.

I sometimes send quick little emails to Tom while I’m online. I told him that I wouldn’t ask him again for the 50th time if he could write letters to my nieces but wanted to know if I could write to them and sign his name. See, this is what really pisses me the fuck off. Why can’t he just come out and say so when he doesn’t want to do something? Why’s he gotta go and make so many damn excuses?

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 8, 1998 There was no Saturday freeloader shit that I know of. At 10:30, just a few hours ago, I saw headlights shining into the carport over there when I went into the music room. I turned on the music room light to see if they’d see it and honk, but they didn’t. I didn’t hear any music, either. Just voices talking with no regard for anybody who might be asleep. Actually, they were a little softer this time around. I’ve heard them be much louder before. The car sat there for a couple of minutes, then left.

I can’t believe how long she and Mike have been together! They’re so different. Although Mike may be a selfish, wimp of a phony liar, he’s friendly on the surface. He politely shook my hand when he introduced himself to me and is basically uppity and nice. So what’s an aggressive bitch like her doing with him? Guess she wanted someone she felt she could control and manipulate. Just like domineering Doe wanting Art, who was always willing to be her puppet.

We had our cumless sex yesterday and yesterday’s excuse was one of his favorites - racy heart. Well, if he hadn’t gotten off in the bathroom prior to us getting together, and I just know he did, he wouldn’t have had such hard a time, but whatever turns him on.

I asked him why sex was so hard for him, why he panted so hard, and why his heart raced. He said that’s part of good sex. Gee, was it so good he couldn’t get off? Does he realize that nothing he says about sex makes a damn bit of sense? Not this, anyway. He’s still lying about the cumming regularly, too, but I know he’s only cum once since last April. I can feel when he gets off. Just about any woman can tell when a guy cums.

I would like to have a special doll display shelf someday. Obviously, if I have a 30-something-inch doll, she wouldn’t go on this shelf, but I envision two shelves that are about 5’-6’ wide. The top shelf will be about 18” high for dolls that are 12”-17”. The bottom shelf will be about 25” high for bigger dolls like Summer Dream, who’s 20”. However, due to her trailing bride’s dress, she’d take up space for 3 dolls, so she may not be good for this unless I don’t have enough dolls that need the space she’d take up. I would also like the back wall of these shelves to be mirrored. Then you could somewhat see the backs of the dolls.

Later…

I keep running in to look at Summer Dream, she’s so elegant and feminine, and that’s the sexiest wedding dress I ever did see! I figured I’d like her and Anne equally, but I don’t know. Anne may have nice long hair, but Summer Dream’s drop-dead gorgeous dress makes Anne’s and Jessica’s dresses seem like old, ugly, tattered rags.

Later…

Tom’s up now. He’s still not feeling well, but he’s hanging in there.

He said the doll was sitting out front when he got home.

I asked him why they’d break the molds for this doll in a couple of years and he said it’s to give it more of a collector’s value.

I made Summer Dream a gorgeous bracelet whose color totally goes with the pink and blue of her sash and flowers. I used a pearly melon color. Very tiny beads.

He reports no noise from the freeloader, and that he saw the cock’s car on the street this morning.

Later…

I just sent Andy a message answering a question of his. I sent him the message, rather than calling him directly. He said he’d be going to bed at 10:00, but with my luck, if I had called directly, he’d have answered, unable to sleep yet, then I’d be stuck on the phone with him for 45-90 minutes.

He wanted to know since he admits that pot really kills the brain cells, what kind of answering machine/service he had back east, saying he knew he had something. I corrected him when I left that message and let him know that when we were back there, there was no voice messaging service, I had a regular answering machine, but he didn’t. He had nothing. I’m not sure if they updated their system back east and got voice messaging yet. I think they did, though, 2-3 years ago.

Andy also says he liked the creative mail I sent him. I sent him the same sentence in different fonts. He said that as soon as he gets envelopes, he’ll check the ones he likes and send them back to me.

So, Andy wasn’t a pest for me, but Eldon was a pest for Tom this morning. I wondered if he wanted a computer job now that the house is sold, but when Tom was online, Eldon sent him instant messages asking how to delete a file. Tom told him over and over again how to do it, but I guess either Eldon was too stupid to do it, or it just wouldn’t work.

It rained earlier, but Tom said not to worry before he left for work, since he taped the wires to that outlet with electrical tape and cut the power in the back room. He only turns the power on back there when he goes to use his computer. Yeah, it figures it’d wait till Sunday evening to rain. It almost never hits the weekends.

For a minute there, I wondered if Tom was pulling my leg about having a cold (I can’t always trust his word since he lies about cumming) so he could get out of doing yard work and so he could use that as an excuse to lay around in front of the TV all day since he didn’t sound sick, but he says he’s not that bad and that sleeping most of the day helped him. He says if he feels bad at work, he’ll come home, but that it was probably due to lack of sleep. So God’s looking out for him too, by not letting him be a father.

We wondered if Blackie gave him this cold. For a few days Blackie was sneezing like hell and we wondered if he had allergies or a cold.

Speaking of cats, Tom’s gonna be thrilled to know that White Paws is back. I was right too, about why she took off for a while. She did have babies. She’s much bigger now than she was when she left. She’d come up to the door, but not in the house, so I stuck a bowl of dry food out on the patio for her, which she dove into right as I left it and went back in the house. I’m surprised she didn’t eat the whole bowl.

The dogs shut up earlier in the evening tonight. Like right at sundown. Well, last night was Saturday night after all. When more people are around like they are on weekends, that stirs them up more. They went off on the freeloaders when they got in at 10:30 last night. I say “they” meaning the 2-3 kids that live with that bitch.

Along with doing the roof, we’re gonna tear up the carpet in the back room. Underneath the carpet back there is a tiled floor. Unless the tile’s really bad, we’re not gonna recarpet that room.

I began spotting on the 4th and it’s coming up on the 9th now, so I should be getting my full flow by the 10th.

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 7, 1998 She’s here! Summer Dream came today and she’s so beautiful I nearly cried!! There’s always that small, nagging worry that a doll will look worse in person than she did in a catalog, but nope. She’s even more gorgeous in person. She’s in the music room due to how she’s posed. Her head is turned sideways as this particular doll you kind of want to display mostly from behind to show off her beautiful backless dress with the floral sashes and bows hanging down the back from the waist. When we move, I’ll try to have things set up so she can be viewed easily from the back, front, and side. With the way the furniture is laid out in the living room, and due to the furniture’s size, she can’t be displayed nicely in there. Although I’d prefer her to be in a room I’m in most often, like the living room, she’s best off where she is in this house.

I’ve decided to leave her dark blond hair (Anne and Jessica have light blond) piled up as it is, even though it can easily be taken down. I looked and saw that it was not such a complicated hairdo after all. All they did was basically put it up in a ponytail on top of her head, then curl the ends and splay them all over the crown of her head. But I’ll leave it up for variety (that way I’ll have one with it up, one in braids, one with it loose) and taking it down would’ve covered some of the beautiful dress and the real-looking detail of her back, shoulders and arms. This dress is absolutely stunning. Its straps are off the shoulders and that’s where the joints are. Right where I broke my arm, actually, in the middle of the upper arms, so that you can swivel the arms and position them how you want. I was wondering how they hid the joints so well. On Patrice, you can see where her arms are attached since her dress has thin straps. Her arms attach at the shoulders as most dolls do. Can’t wait for Patrice, too! For now, I have Jessica and Summer Dream in the music room and Anne in the living room. When Patrice comes, Summer Dream and Jessica will stay where they are, but Anne will go in the bedroom, and Patrice will take Anne’s place standing in the living room on one of the stereo speakers.

Anyway, Summer Dream wears pearl earrings. There are pearl dots in her earlobes, and then dangling pearl drops. I’m surprised she doesn’t wear any necklace or bracelets, but she’s got a wedding band on, of course. The hands, which are shaped to hold her bouquet, have their fingers molded together like most dolls, and her wedding band, is just a half circle of gold that was glued onto the indentation of the ring finger on the left hand. I might make her a bracelet with my tiny beads. Her nails are painted red, but not quite as dark as Jessica’s (Anne’s nails aren’t painted).

Will you shut up! It’s coming up on 11:00 and that fucking beast is still going off. The high-pitched one is worse. Well, it ought to settle down soon enough, but again, these people are lucky I’m out of here in ‘99.

Anne and Jessica really do look like girls while Summer Dream really does look like a woman. I get dolls for different reasons, of course, and while I got Anne for her long knee-length hair, I got this one for its dress, since blue eyes and blond hair aren’t typically my thing. Her eyes are nice, though, as far as their shine goes. Instead of looking just shiny, they look wet like real eyes. I also like the hand-painted eyelashes better than the false ones they stuck on my other dolls.

I finally got something with pink, too! Yes, this doll’s bouquet is of pink flowers. I love the soft pastel colors between the blue sash and bows and the pink flowers.

Her shoes are white heels that are molded to her feet. They’re not real shoes you can take off and put back on like Anne’s shoes.

So it took her 3 weeks to get here from the day she was shipped. Tom was right. Parcel post is really slow. So if Patrice isn’t shipped till after December 12th, I’m probably not gonna have her till just after the New Year. She’s worth the wait, though, just like in the end, Summer Dream was worth waiting for.

I can’t believe this doll was only $92 and not $150-$200.

Like I thought I would, I didn’t get a catalog enclosed with Summer Dream, so I’ll call Monday and have them send one. Since Tom decided that we’ll probably each have $500 to spend after all our bills are paid, I’m hoping to find a big doll for around $300. Rapunzel and the lollipop doll from Ashton Drake’s catalog are each about $100, so I’m hoping to get those 3 dolls. Fuck CDs and clothes. I still may get some CDs, and maybe a couple more bigger bras, but I’m all set for winter clothes. All I really want, since I’m gonna be staying at around 115 pounds, is maybe a couple of sundresses and a couple of pairs of shorts and it’s not the time of year to go shopping for that, even here in Arizona.

I also want to enlarge my wedding band to my indefinite 115 pounds. I awoke at 114 today, though, to my surprise. I haven’t been gorging since it’s never been in my nature to do so, but I haven’t been eating just one bite a day, either. I’ve had to have been having around 1500 calories a day.

I scanned in Summer Dream’s certificate, and I intend to keep her papers, even though I refuse to ever sell her like the papers suggest I may want to do. There’s a winter, spring, and autumn bride, too, and according to this one’s certificate, the series ends forever in the year 2001 and the doll’s molds will be broken and no more porcelain will ever be cast. But why break the molds? If I was such a gifted artist/sculptor, I’d want to keep the molds forever. That was quite an ugly woman, too, who created such a beautiful doll.

I can’t believe how fast my doll collection’s starting off, but I’m psyched! By the spring I may very well have 3-5 more dolls! Guess that depends on what I get for my birthday. I’ll have to ask Tom if we’re gonna do Christmas with each other, at least, and if he wants to tell me what he wants, or if he wants me to use my imagination and pick out something to either buy or make. I’ll also ask him if he wants me to tell him what I want for my birthday, or should I let him just do what he wants? If he asks what I want, I’ll suggest that $30 Edie doll. They had two of them at the store.

I wonder if Tom was here when the mailman came with Summer Dream, or if he came and left her here before Tom returned from the tracks. I’ll have to ask him when he gets up. He’s been asleep since I got up at 7 PM.

She wasn’t as packed as I thought she’d be. She did have foam pieces as wide as the box she was in to steady her so she couldn’t slam around in her box, but only her feet and head had a plastic wrap. The wrap was actually a bag with rubber bands. Jessica, though, had layers of tight plastic wrapping. She was in her own box with her name on it that slid snuggly into the outer box that had their company address on it, our address, and the invoice. Her bouquet was in a bag and at the bottom of the box.

I hope her soft white chiffon dress doesn’t turn yellowish in time. They recommend dusting her regularly, but with what? A feather duster? A damp cloth? Maybe it’d be best to take the dolls outside periodically and shake their hair and clothes free of dust.

I plan to do some pricing homework on Monday. I’m gonna check out the home shopping channels and see if I can find out what company manufactures the dolls that they have on their doll shows, and I’m gonna call some collector’s stores to see what they’ve got, too. Tom will check online stuff.

Unfortunately, he’s got a cold. A little later than I expected, but it looks like his immune system is still not as strong as mine’s been since I’ve been out here. I hope he doesn’t give me this one. He used to get 4-5 a year, but I guess it’s now 2-3 a year. Well, hopefully it won’t last long and interfere with his doing whatever he needs/wants to do. I’m surprised he didn’t get it about 10 days from now when he goes to do the roof. Maybe it’ll rain instead. I’m also surprised he didn’t get it when I was mid-cycle, even though I don’t have a mid-cycle. He left a message saying that his throat got really sore at the tracks. He obviously didn’t win, or else he’d have said so, but I hope he had fun despite his sore throat.

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 6, 1998 Bill’s car is still out there. At ten to eight this morning I glanced out right before I hit the sack and saw the car where it’s at right now, saw it again when I glanced out at 4 PM, and ever since 7 PM it’s been there. From the looks of it, it hasn’t moved since yesterday morning.

I gave my dog/cat mugs a vinegar treatment to get rid of the coffee/tea stains. It really works.

I’m not one to usually watch movies over and over again, but earlier I saw Stephen King’s The Dead Zone for what must be the 15th time.

I told Tom that I was thinking of hitting three birds with one stone and sending Dureen, Art and Larry journal excerpts on them when we move, along with the bitch’s, but Tom’s advice was not to and as I do eight out of ten times, I’m gonna take his advice. As Tom said, I’m gonna give next door the stuff in place of beating the crap out of them, but as for the other assholes, they haven’t been doing anything to me. No calls, no trying to get my attention, no trying to piss me off, etc. He said it’d be different if I wanted to send them a holiday card or letter. Hell no. I wouldn’t degrade myself like that. Anyway, they’re not worth the excerpts and they probably wouldn’t have read anything I sent anyway, and even if they did, it wouldn’t change a thing. I still want nothing to do with them. Not now. Not ever.

If I was shocked to wake up at 115 pounds yesterday, I was even more shocked to wake up at 114 pounds today. That’s because of all I ate yesterday. I had a TV dinner, a couple of bags of popcorn, and a burger and fries.

Tom took off some of his old stuff from my computer and did a backup on CDs. I got rid of some old stuff, too.

He showed me how to make subdirectories so I can have different screensaver groups. You know, like Norah in one, Gloria in another, etc., but I was too stupid to remember how to do it on my own and in the midst of things, I lost one of my favorite pictures.

And now I can’t print out the fucking grocery list, either. I went to print, then aborted it cuz I hadn’t run it through the spell checker yet, but it wouldn’t let me move on. I tried to purge the print job, but it was determined to save it after telling me I could delete it. Who knows when Tom will be up to help me, though?

Later…

Well, Tom couldn’t get to trimming the front hedges, since going to the bank and all that took longer than expected, but on the bright side, there’s $6,000 in our account. We’re gonna pay off our bills, then have fun with the rest. That fun may include getting the big $200-$400 doll that I didn’t think I’d get till we moved, along with some clothes, since I’m definitely, definitely gonna stay at 115 pounds. I’ve been at 115 since the beginning of August, so this is where I’ve leveled out at and where my body feels it needs to be in this day and age. I could still get down to 100 if I starved, but I’d have to starve many days in a row, and as soon as I began eating again, I’d go right back to 115, so it’s not worth it. Here’s where I’ll stay. It’s better than 124. guess I don’t need to walk in order to have a little bit of metabolism function these days either, cuz again I woke up at 115 after having a TV dinner, popcorn, soup, and cheese puffs.

Tom went to bed at 7 PM and I’m to get him up at 3 AM for the sex he says I owe him. Why? So he can get hard and suffer till he’s alone and can empty himself out? God, how can he stand it?! On the other hand, I’m beginning my period, so he may feel comfortable enough to get off, but comfortable is the keyword. As long as that’s what he is; happy and comfortable.

Speaking of money, Mary won $2,500 gambling. Of course she did. She doesn’t need the money. See, it’s not that God helps those who help themselves, it’s that God gives to those who don’t need, and he takes from those who do need. Same with the wants.

If there’s ever a time I wish that Tom was an only child, it’s now. If we were getting that entire $31,000 check, we could move now! Tom said that if he had been an only child, he’d have a whole different personality and I might not even have liked him since things are all intertwined. Maybe.

So, what’s Mary gonna do with this money she won? She’s gonna get a new hard drive that Tom has to be the one to install. I knew people would want this and want that as soon as that house sold, but I’ve already accepted the fact that sometimes, others are gonna have to come first. Since I’ve come to accept and be used to and even prefer taking care of myself sexually, it doesn’t bother me as much as it used to, but when too many things come up and they need this and they need that and our shit doesn’t get done cuz of them, I get pissed. I just wish he’d finish more things he starts. He almost never finishes a project he starts and if he does, he puts it off for quite a while before finishing it. Nonetheless, Tom says he is gonna tackle trimming the back and front hedges, and he’s gonna take care of weeds and the tree out front. These things, fortunately, are gonna slow down in growth for a while. They don’t grow as much in cooler weather.

I’m glad we’ll be keeping our land, when we move, in its natural state. Tom’s great with handling money and bills, and with fixing things that need fixing ASAP, but he’s lousy with keeping up with yard work.

I still haven’t gotten my doll and I hope he’s right when he says it’s not misdelivered, cuz with this mailman you never know what to expect. It’s hit or miss with him, although since I bitched he hasn’t given us tons of other people’s mail and hopefully, not too much of our mail has gone to other people. It took 5 complaints, though. If Becky addressed the letter she said she sent me correctly, then someone else got that one for sure.

Tom says Evie’s not stable and never really was to begin with and that she’s been complaining of more problems since having her gallbladder removed and wonders if she’s heading for a breakdown. We’ll see.

The cock came to bring the bitch back yesterday afternoon and to pick it up this morning. Bill’s car sat where it’s been sitting till 5:30 today, then it was towed away. I heard its engine start, but then it sounded funny, so he’s obviously been having trouble with the car. That explains why the cock’s showed up more, too. Probably to help Bill with rides and look like a good guy. At first I wondered if Bill had moved in while Tom suggested that maybe they fumigated his place. I decided that if he moved in, though, I wouldn’t report it, since Bill’s never been any trouble. I wouldn’t have reported that cock being here either, had it kept its music out of our house.

Tom straightened out the printer problem I had yesterday and helped me build some subdirectories of pictures. I’ve got 11 different groups. That’s how many color schemes I’ve got. So each week, I’ll rotate colors and pictures. My wallpaper will stay the same, though, with all the pictures. I forgot about making directories for regular screensavers, but I don’t know how I’d go about doing that.

Later…

What the fuck’s got one of the guard dogs stirred up at 11:15 at night? Well, it is the weekend, so perhaps the freeloader’s got company? I didn’t hear any car doors, though, and I don’t feel like looking. The dryer’s going now, so it drowns it out, but I guess it only went off for a minute. When those fucking dogs go off at this time of year, since sounds are louder when it’s cooler cuz cooler air’s thicker, it can be heard loud and clear in every single fucking room of this house.

Come to think of it, I haven’t heard the old man’s dog across the street in ages.

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 5, 1998 I spoke with Andy for 45 minutes (after he said he didn’t want to talk long). He’s about to hit the sack. He gets up at 5:30 in the morning now.

He got into one of his talks about God, Adam, Eve, Judgment Day, etc., but it was kind of my fault for leading him into this discussion, and once he hits upon this topic, he goes on and on. During his chat, he told me that God shits on those who believe in him. Oh, how lovely of him. Yeah, that’s something God would do.

His roommate Laura has moved out and into her boyfriend’s place, but they’re still friends. She’s been generously helping him with finances.

He’s still clean and he loves his new job. I’m happy for him and proud of him for finally doing something as far as a career change goes, rather than talking about it.

He said David’s looking for a job change too. He was a welder by trade, but lately, he’s been working in some shipping and receiving company, but is thinking of going back to welding.

Judy made him and David an incredible offer. If they get that cottage at Hawk’s Nest beach, it’s a year-round cottage, and Judy said he and David can live there. The catch is, though, that they’d have to share it with the family in the summer, so for 3 months out of every year, there’d be a shitload of people coming and going.

Andy said that if he and David don’t work out, he’s still gonna stay there, but doesn’t know if he’ll stay in Connecticut or Massachusetts.

I made Melanie a Christmas card. I didn’t make the card, actually. The card was one of the ones the Humane Society sent. I printed out a drawing I did of 3 dogs on the front and wrote her name. On the back, I printed out a floral drawing of mine, and one with a cat, too.

My doing this inspired me to print pictures and drawings out on the backs of envelopes that will be going to Tammy and Andy.

On Tammy’s stationery, I used that program that lets me insert picture borders. I can use pictures that come with the program or I can customize it by using my stuff. I used a drawing of mine, one of our wedding pictures, and a picture of Tammy in high school. I did up 8 envelopes for Tammy, and she ought to love one of them! I don’t know what went wrong on this one, but all that printed out was garbage. Just a bunch of senseless letters, numbers, and punctuation like a scientist’s lab formula. By it, I wrote, “Oops! I really screwed up this one!”

For Andy, I sent him the same sentence - were you just thinking that the rooms were all on fire? - (our famous sentence for 1989-1992), and they were all in different fonts. The ones that are complete and that I’d be willing to use. I skipped the ones that are super hard to read. Anyway, I asked him to put a checkmark next to the ones he likes and feels are legible enough, then send me back the papers.

From now on, the journals I print out are gonna have pictures bordering their pages. Pictures of family members, animals, celebs, journal covers, etc.

Still haven’t gotten a reply from Marla. Was it something I said? Or is she just that busy? Well, I either hear from her or I don’t.

I wouldn’t know it if Alex realized he didn’t add me to his email list when he went to block out junk mailers and has tried to get in touch with me, cuz I didn’t bother to put him on my list.

I’m definitely not gonna shit tomorrow. Maybe not even the next day. I shit 3 times today!

Later…

What the fuck is Bill doing here at 8:30 at night? What, is the bitch doing something at night now, too? Joebitch, you’re gonna wear your poor daddy out! Maybe she got arrested and is doing a little jail time of her own.

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 4, 1998 I blew it today with the starving. I had a TV dinner and some popcorn. Hopefully, I’ll be able to survive the rest of the night on tea and water.

I was surprised to wake up at 115 pounds, though. I thought I’d wake up at 117-118 since yesterday I had two hot dogs, a TV dinner, popcorn, and soup. The popcorn and soup alone were 900 calories, 300 for the TV dinner, and about 550 for the hot dogs, and that excludes what I had for drinks.

I printed out pictures of Cocoa, Ziggy, Tanner, Patch, Ratsy, and Measles for Mom, Mary and Dave to see. Evie and company got to see them already.

Tom took Ma to an EEG appointment today and tomorrow he’s gonna take her again for another appointment, cuz Mary’s still out of it. The poor girl went through a lot of pain having her gallbladder out, and now she’s in a lot of pain with the thyroid. They said that when they took out her thyroid, it was loaded with tumors. They may or may not have been malignant, but they didn’t want to leave it in even if they knew that they weren’t cancerous, cuz they could become cancerous in time. Tom will be able to get her to her appointment tomorrow with no problem since he’s off till Sunday evening. Then he’ll be off again on the 15th-18th.

This year there’ll be no Thanksgiving or Christmas get-together since Evie and Mary are having too many problems right now and since Carol and Steven are in California, Nora and Ray are too stupid, and there’s no way we want to entertain a houseful of people. It also looks like we’ll be skipping the Christmas present routine too, but we might make a shirt for mom or maybe a pillowcase with a picture of mom and dad on it. And we’ll reattempt the shirts for Tammy and the girls. I’ll be sending Christmas cards to Mom, Mary and Dave, Evie and David, and Andy.

Another routine change next door today. At 4:00 I heard Bill’s car leave, then at 5:30, what appeared to be a light gray or blue car pulled up. Out came the little clown that’s always lived there, and then out came a girl of about 8-10 years of age too. Who are all these kids? Are these supposed to be the nieces and nephews I was supposed to have told that they can’t play here? Anyway, the car left shortly after, but I couldn’t tell if the girl left in it. This looked like the same car that was picking her up in the mornings, so maybe Bill went to where she was, dropped the clown off with her, then maybe the blue car came to bring her and the clown home, then the girl freeloader visited for a few minutes, then left. Who knows for sure, but I have a theory. I think that whenever her cronies are doing jail time, she takes in their kids till they’re released.

Ratsy got up to see me a little while ago and he’ll be getting up again soon. I really love this rat. He’s a combination of the mice and the pig. The pig only likes to cuddle and the mice only like to explore, although Ziggy does like to sit with me, but Ratsy likes to do both.

I got up at 3 PM today and shortly after, Tom came home. He said he thought the doll would get here today for sure, but it didn’t. I think it was misdelivered, but he thinks this mailman’s lazier than most and just hasn’t gotten around to sorting and delivering his parcel post packages yet. Well, Tom’s gonna call them if there’s been no withdrawal from our account by the end of next week. Last he checked, they hadn’t even taken a payment yet. I either get them or I don’t, and if I don’t, I’ll just use that $200 to get dolls in the store I got Anne at. Or was her name spelled Anne? Whatever.

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 3, 1998 Still no fucking doll! What’s taking so long? Was it because I was awake when the mailman came around today and God really wants me asleep when the doll comes?

Last night I ended up being up for 21 hours. Finally, I took a Benadryl. Why am I constantly up 18 or more hours? This is why I could never handle a job or a child. If I had to be up at the same time every day, I’d be getting 3-6 hours of sleep every night and it’d eventually kill me.

I gained a few pounds from eating a TV dinner, popcorn, soup, and those fries yesterday. Again, that would never put a few pounds on me back when I smoked. Today I’m not gonna worry too much about it. I’ve had a TV dinner and some popcorn, and I may have soup later, but tomorrow, it’s back to starving again. I’m gonna have to not eat every other day to maintain my weight. This is fucking ridiculous. It’s getting harder and harder to maintain this weight and I’m getting more and more tempted to forget it. Am I gonna eventually be able to only eat every 2-3 days in order to keep my weight steady? Just like how I’m gonna cut my hair someday, cuz someday I’m gonna need a break from it, I’m gonna totally forget about keeping my weight where it’s at. It’s just too much work, so I’ll give in eventually and just take the 20-100 pounds I’ll gain when I do.

Gloria Estefan Live by Request is taping now. I took a quick peek at one point and was surprised. She looks better than I thought she’d look. She’s not skinny, but she’s not fat, either, and she’s singing pretty well, although I could still do better for the most part. When I’m not congested, that is. It pisses me off that God just won’t let me fully use my voice. I may not wheeze like I used to, but I still get tight and I still have congestion. I still have times when I have to stop and clear my throat, and it really pisses me the fuck off. I feel like God’s teasing me with this gift and like he’ll only let me use it so much, and I just wish he’d either let me use my voice free of congestion or just take it away. I’m tired of the conditions that have to go with everything wonderful. I can have this great guy, but he has to have a freaky dicky and lie about it.

He still insists he’ll do whatever they request of him for testing, that he’ll love me no matter what, and that he’ll support whatever decisions I make. I believe the last two, thank God, but I still can’t see him willing to participate in the testing.

On the other hand, his cumming is totally in his control, so maybe he will let them have his cum, then go back to rarely cumming in bed. Remember, there is no such thing as a guy who can get hard, but not cum. You either can’t get hard at all and therefore you can’t cum, or you get hard and cum. He chooses when to cum. So maybe he will choose to cum for the testing. We’ll see. I suppose that’s still a way away yet. If it took months to get a GYN appointment scheduled, I’d think it’d take another few months to get the testing scheduled, and a few more to get through the testing, unless something does come up to prevent testing or I change my mind, so if I can get any answers, you’re talking around the time we move. But will we move in June? Or will it be August or September?

No kids came out to play after dark or at twilight. Also, Bill’s bringing his sick daughter home from work, but who knows who’s picking it up afterward? As soon as I’m up at 6:15-7:45, I’ll know.

Later…

OK, I saw the Gloria show. I basically scanned through her singing her songs but listened to all the requests and all that. I’m surprised she didn’t bring her daughter on stage, but Emilio came out at the end. He’s getting old and gray. Anyway, the people who called in requested the songs I figured they’d request, and I got a kick out of a couple of those requests that I know had to be staged. Whoopee Goldberg called at one point, then Gloria told the guy who was her host that she’d be right back, went off stage, then requested a song with an English accent. She’s also supposed to have a small role in a movie with Meryl Streep that may be out in about a year, that’s got to do with keeping music in the schools.

I’ve got some shocking news about Andy. He’s keeping his Red Lobster job as a hostess but is only working part-time there now. That’s all he could get from them anyway. From 7 AM-4 PM Monday-Friday he’s now working a job typing into computers pharmaceutical orders. He had his first day of work at this new job today and loved it. He swears he’ll never wait on tables in Arizona again, but I still say he won’t go back east. I’d have to see it to believe it.

He’s also been clean for nearly a week now, so I’m quite happy for him.

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 2, 1998 I really hope a ball game isn’t about to erupt cuz I’d really like to write, although the air cleaner may drown it out well enough. Well, maybe not. The two kids I can see right now who are screaming at the tops of their lungs are playing badminton in the street. In the fucking street. That’s so fucking dangerous and stupid. These things should be played in their backyard. Fuck! Now here’s a boy with a basketball. Thank fucking God it’s getting dark out.

OK, I watched them for a few minutes and that was a Frisbee and not a basketball, but oh my fucking God! These kids, and now I realize that they’re the same ones that I saw playing in the middle of the street at night a few nights ago, are associated with the Lopezs. Tom said he guesses there are 3 kids in that household. No fucking way. These are definite Mormons. I know they do daycare, but I highly doubt that at 6 PM these kids are other people’s kids. There are at least 5 of them screaming in back and another 5 up front. They’re darting in and out of the street and they’re playing on people’s lawns within a 3-house span on both sides of the street. As soon as they hit our lawn, which they came close to doing, they’ll be hearing from me. What is it with kids playing in the streets and on other people’s lawns these days? When I was a kid I may have played next door on my grandparents’ lawn, but I never played on people’s lawns who I didn’t even know, and I didn’t play in the middle of the street unless I was on my bike, even though our dead-end street was pretty dead.

It sounds like they may have gone in. Now it’ll just be the dog’s noise for another hour or so. These people are really fucking lucky they’re not next to me!! Sometimes, though, with all the screaming and barking, they may as well be next to me. They were playing in next door’s yard. Why can’t they play in their own yard? Maybe because of the guard dogs, their space is limited in the backyard. I didn’t hear those dogs at all on Halloween night, and you know a pin dropping 8 blocks away will stir them up, so I’ll bet that if there’s one night a year they pull them in or at least muzzle them, it’s that night. Too many people out. Too much risk. Guard dogs aren’t like ordinary house dogs that protect just their territory. They want to go after you even if you’re not on their turf. So, it’s risky to leave them out with all the people walking by, even if they were walking by on the other side of the street. The dogs could still smell and hear them, and you wouldn’t want to have the dogs bust loose on that many people. I’m surprised they cared enough to pull the dogs in in the first place. They also probably figured all that loud barking would scare away the little trick-or-treaters. That’s if they gave out candy.

Thank God it’s getting darker later. It helps. Somewhat.

I wasn’t up this morning to see if the cock came for the bitch or not, but the end-of-the-day routine changed a bit today. At 3:00 a white car pulled in and out. I only saw the outline of someone in the driver’s seat, but that’s it. Then at 5:45 I heard car doors, but didn’t feel like looking out at that time.

Got an email from Kim and Evie.

Didn’t get my doll today. I’m so sick of waiting! Tom said, “I told you Tuesday would be more likely than Monday. With parcel post, it can just sit in a post office in the town it was shipped from for a week. That’s why they use parcel post. It’s cheaper.”

So it’ll get here not while I’m out, but while I’m asleep. I doubt I’ll be up before the mail gets here, but I could be. If not, though, he will be.

My weight was at an all-time low today at 111½. I could wear my jeans and jeans jacket again and it was nice to be able to fit into some things I couldn’t fit into for a while. I had a TV dinner and popcorn yesterday. Today I had a TV dinner, soup, and a small order of fries at the drive-through we stopped at, and later I’ll have some popcorn. This way I won’t be stuck for too long, but come tomorrow, it’s back to either having nothing or just a TV dinner.

Once again, I had to have seen at least 3 pregnant teens on the streets as we were going to and from Melanie’s. I may not want a child of my own, but this is sick! What have God and society come to? These kids should be in school. Not pushing their kids around in strollers on the streets. All blacks and Hispanics, as usual. Does anyone in their 20s or 30s have kids anymore? I kind of think 20s is too young, but I swear, if it’s not in your teens that you have kids, it’s in your 40s that you have kids. Teenage pregnancy is so fucking common now, that I’ll bet a teenager that doesn’t have a kid is considered an oddball.

It makes me wonder about Lisa. Is she gonna get pregnant any day now? It’d be the norm. Guess that depends on how closely God wants to shape our lives. There are a few things we don’t have in common, but not much. So, if she’s just like me on that issue, too, God won’t allow her any kids. I know Becky will be a mom, though. If any of those kids are destined for motherhood, it’s Becky. She looks like a mom already. She totally has the looks God likes for that.

Anyway, seeing Melanie went fine. Oprah came out and said hi to me as she went to get someone else before Melie came for me. She moved the bracket since that tooth’s moving down and over really well. Something just hit me - you have a retainer after you have braces on your upper teeth, but what about your bottom teeth? I don’t see how you could wear a retainer down there with the tongue in the way. Yeah, we talked about those bottom teeth. I asked her what she’d recommend, and she said she’d do it; get them straightened out. She said I wouldn’t have to come in all the time since this wouldn’t be trying to nudge an impacted tooth into place, and that it shouldn’t be as painful. However, I will have the irritation at the beginning that I had with the top teeth. I told her that’s a pretty high tolerance to put up with me for longer. She said I could start anytime with the bottom teeth if I want to, and that the kids she has to deal with really irritate her. They come in with 6 broken brackets cuz of eating the stuff she tells them not to eat. She lectures them about it, but it goes in one ear and out the other. Yeah, and I’m sure the parents do a good job of watching what their kids eat. They really care.

I asked her how many patients she has and she said she didn’t know.

So afterward I asked Tom if he felt she recommended it only for the money and he said no, cuz she gets paid a salary whether or not she sees me.

Anyway, now that I’m through the worst of the top teeth, I think I’ll tell her to get things going to nail the bottom teeth next time I see her.

This sure is the decade of fixing the things God fucked up on me, huh? I fixed the ear as best I could, the teeth, and I doubt I’ll fix the sterility, but I hope that Tom will cooperate enough so I can at least get tested. Again, though, I don’t see how they can refuse to test me just cuz he won’t let himself get tested, so I guess I should go in there with the attitude of not letting him stop me whether or not he chooses to participate. Only God can do that.

Later…

I’m going to be taking my tea into bed and read myself to sleep in a little while. I forgot to say that I woke up early today. I thought I wouldn’t fall asleep till close to sunrise, and therefore, it’d be a bitch to get up at 11:30 like I told to get me up by, but the Benadryl actually went back to knocking me out. I took one pill at 11:00 and by 12:30 I was out of it. I awoke at 8:30.

I want my doll tomorrow!!

[jackrrabbit]

cooking at 3am /// Osamu x f!Reader

Request: Imagine cooking together with Osamu at 3am because neither of you could sleep (or because ‘Samu got the midnight munchies lol). You don’t have anything specific in mind; you’re just playing around and feeding each other little bits of what you make.

A/N: bruh you said munchies and my mind said [[ h i g h o s a m u ]] sorry this went in a kinda different direction? but still fun 3am cooking project vibes :P

Tag/warnings: fluff, light drug use (weed), you and Atsumu are lowkey Bros™️, Osamu's kinda baby 🤧

Osamu’s not good at smoking.

He doesn’t really know how to inhale—you know, hold it in his lungs so it can soak in or whatever—and when he does, he coughs. Except he tries to repress the coughs. Even if he wants to hide it, he’s always close enough to you that you can feel his chest moving from trying not to cough when he takes a hit.

And also, like every baby smoker, he can’t really tell when it’s kicking in until he’s off the deep end.

“Can you feel it yet?”

“No.”

You shoot Osamu a glance where he’s sitting on the ground in front of the couch, watching a nature documentary on Atsumu’s TV with a glazed-over look on his face. “You sure? Your eyes are super red.”

“I can’t feel it. Give it—“ He holds out his hand and honestly you’re pretty sure he’s had plenty, but it’s Atsumu’s vape so who cares. You hand it over and Osamu holds it up to his mouth and sucks, eyes fluttering closed as the light on the side of the Pax glows yellow.

God, he looks hot when he does that. Something about a hot guy smoking, yeah? Actually, no. Something about your hot boyfriend smoking.

Except 'Samu holds his breath a second too long and you can see the urge to cough hit him… Wait for it, you think to yourself, and a second later he hacks and wheezes the vapor out in a wispy cloud that reflects silver against the semi-dark. You coo in sympathy and pat his back. “Want some water?”

Osamu shakes his head, hand over his mouth to stop the coughing. On the tv, David Attenborough talks about penguin courtship rituals and Atsumu (who’s been draped on the couch next to you for the past few hours) gives a light little sigh in his sleep. You check the time. 3am. Bedtime. Too bad you and 'Samu are both too high to drive home…whoops. Guess you’re spending the night at Atsumu’s place.

Osamu rubs his bloodshot eyes like they’re itchy, which they probably are. “Hey, can we— uhh… Do we have pancakes.”

“Pancakes, babe? You mean the ones you made for breakfast?”

“Yeah, there’s leftovers…I made you extra and you didn’t want them.” He twists around and gives you an incredibly dirty look, like this is something you did on purpose to hurt his feelings. “If you don’t want them I’m going to eat them.”

“Wait, 'Samu—“ But Osamu's already getting up off the floor to wander over to the next room. You debate pausing the show—it’s a really good scene—but you leave it going for Atsumu's sake because you’re pretty sure the narration is the only thing keeping him asleep. He’s kinda drooling on your shoulder and you have to push him off to go follow your boyfriend to the kitchen.

“What is all this stuff? Ugh…” Osamu's pawing through the fridge. There’s a lot of crinkling, plastic sounds—you catch a glimpse inside and all of the shelves are stacked up with plastic bags and styrofoam containers.

You yawn and hop up to sit on the kitchen island. “Takeout? I don’t think he cooks.” Atsumu's going to get a lecture tomorrow for keeping 2-week-old Indian food in his fridge. God knows you heard it way too many times before you and Osamu moved in together. You don’t envy 'Tsumu.

Osamu sits down in front of the fridge, fumbles with a drawer, and pulls out a bag of moldy grapes. “Gross…who lives like this…”

You snicker into your hand.

“I can’t find the pancakes.” 'Samu's pulling the plastic drawers all the way out now, setting them down on the floor as he inspects the contents of the fridge.

“They’re not here.”

“You ate them?”

“No, I— Hey, put those back in,” you tell him helplessly as he shuts the door of the fridge, ignoring all the leftover food he took out. Yeah, half of it was probably off anyway, but Atsumu's gonna be pissed if he wakes up and there’s takeout going bad all over his kitchen floor.

“You threw away my pancakes?” Now the look on Osamu's face is utter betrayal. He stands up off the floor and glares sulkily at you. “I made those for you…”

“I didn’t throw them away, they’re—“ You hold back a laugh and wish you had your phone on you (where did it go?) so you could take a picture. He’s so cute when he smokes. “—they’re at home.”

“At home?”

“Yep, at home. The place where you and me live, remember?”

“Oh.” Osamu pauses, reaches out absently to grab the edge of your sleeve. You’re wearing one of his hoodies. “We’re not at home?”

“Nope. We’re at Atsumu's place,” you tell him through a giggle.

He plays with your sleeve, contemplating. “Why?”

“Because we’re out of weed and he said he’d smoke us out. And we like hanging out with him.”

“Oh. We do?”

“Yes.”

“…’Kay.” It takes Osamu a second to accept this, but then he nods seriously. “(Y/N), I'm hungry.”

“I know. What do you want to eat? You could probably have any of that stuff, I don’t think he’ll miss it.”

'Samu thinks about it for a moment, scanning the array of takeout containers spread out across the kitchen floor. “I want pancakes.”

“The pancakes are at home, remember?”

“Yeah…” Osamu flips over his grip on your sleeve and traces his thumb down the lines in your palm. “I could make some?”

More pancakes? “I don’t think 'Tsumu has eggs, babe. Or flour. Or…baking soda?” You’re not really sure what ingredients go into pancakes. Whatever cooking skills you possessed pre-Osamu have deteriorated significantly since you moved in together and he took over any and all food preparation for your household.

He pouts at this, and his hair is a little messed up, and he’s so pretty that you can’t stand how much you like him in that second. Mine mine mine, something in the back of your brain says. He’s mine.

You reach up and Osamu obediently ducks his head down so you can smooth his hair back into place and fix the bits that are flipping over his part. “Is there anything else you want to eat?”

“Onigiri.”

“Oh…” Well, at least Atsumu probably has rice. “Sure. Ok. That’s your specialty.”

“I want ya to make it for me.”

“What?” You frown and pull your hand out of his. “You know my cooking sucks.”

“No it doesn’t. (Y/N)’s food’s the best.”

“You own an onigiri shop, come on—“

“Please?”

One of his bangs falls back in his eyes and without thinking you reach up to put it in place. “Okay, fine. But you can’t complain about it if it’s not good.”

He smiles and you want to blush. “Yes! I promise.”

So you do it for him. Even though you’re high too. You measure some rice and water into the rice cooker (Osamu has to give you pointers on how much of each to put in) and you scrounge around Atsumu's depressingly bare kitchen for a few sheets of seaweed and some easy fillings. Osamu pulls a stool up to the island counter and rests his chin on his hands so he can watch you with a bleary look of adoration on his face.

It takes you…maybe half an hour to be done? It’s hard to gauge time when you’re high. You and 'Samu both jump when the rice cooker finishes and plays the little rice cooker song, which will remain stuck in your head for the foreseeable future. 'Samu hums it in a loop while you shape the rice into lopsided triangles and wrap the nori around it.

“Here,” you tell him when you set the plate down in front of him. He looks entirely too happy to be eating your mediocre food for someone who literally does this for a living, but who cares.

He picks one, takes a bite, swallows. And blinks.

“What do you think?” you ask in spite of yourself.

“Umm…salty,” Osamu says.

You grab one to try yourself and it’s salty. Like, ocean salty. Yuck. “I told you it would be bad,” you complain, trying to tug the plate away but Osamu grabs it and pulls it back.

“Noooo…it’s good,” he lies, although his face is giving him away. Still, he takes another bite and chews enthusiastically.

“Shut up.” You tug a little harder but Osamu doesn’t let go.

He swallows, pulls a face, and takes another one. “So good. I love it.”

“Shut up. You sound so fake. You’re going to get sick if you eat that.” You keep pulling, but he insists on pretending it’s edible so you admit defeat and help him finish the onigiri off. God, they’re awful. But he keeps eating and so you do too.

When you’re done, your mouth feels dry as fuck and you want to sleep almost as much as you want to drink about a gallon of water. “Is it bedtime yet?” 'Samu asks, wiping his mouth and then rubbing his eyes again.

The clock over the oven says it’s past 4. “Yes. It’s bedtime.”

“Wait—we’re…we’re not at home, right? We’re at 'Tsumu's?”

“Mhm.”

“I prolly drove here…I dunno if I can drive now,” Osamu tells you slowly, like he’s apologizing. “I think I'm kinda high.”

“Oh yeah?” You hold your laugh back and put your hands up on his cheeks. “How do you feel?”

“Dizzy. Blurry? Like…you’re in slow-motion.” His hands come up to layer over yours. “You’re pretty in slow-mo.”

“Prettier than usual?”

Osamu closes his eyes, scrunching them up to think and then looking over your face intently. “Same amount, just slower. So it’s easier to see.”

“That so?” You slip your hands around to drape over his shoulders and get up on your tiptoes to give him a little kiss on the cheek, because he’s earned it. “You know what, I think I'm kinda high too. I think we’re going to have to have a sleepover.”

“On the couch? S’not big enough for us both.”

“You can sleep with 'Tsumu in his bed…or I guess you could sleep on the ground?”

'Samu's mouth twists and his brows draw together. You can practically hear the gears in his mind turning while he considers alternatives. “Can we share the bed?”

“I think Atsumu's gonna want it. It’s his house.”

“But he’s already sleeping.”

True, you can hear Atsumu snoring lightly from the living room underneath David Attenborough’s description of endangered falcons in the Philippine rainforest. You should really wake him up—matter of fact, you should really clean up the kitchen because it’s a huge mess—but 'Samu's already pulling you away. And you’re so sleepy.

“He’s going to be pissed tomorrow,” you tell Osamu through a yawn, but you let him steer you in the direction of Atsumu's bedroom, holding your hand.

“Don’t care…I hate sleeping without you.”

“Yeah,” you say, and you squeeze his hand and he looks back at you like you’re the literal best thing in the entire universe—and you decide you should get him high more often. “Same.”

[soobasaur]

are you mine?

— a lee minho au

genre: enemies to lovers minho x gender neutral!reader

a/n: this is for my bestie who has been in a minho obsession lately and needs more content, you know who you are :]

« masterlist

you and minho didnt exactly,,,get along very well for a while

the only reason you both even knew each other was two of your best friends were dating and merged ur friend groups

(thanks a lot binsung 〴⋋_⋌〵)

you wouldnt go as far as to say you hated him

but you liked to pretend you did

you just barely saw him around so why not just mke him your mortal enemy??

it was easier to hate him then admit he was decent company!!

you had a reputation to uphold!!!!

and apparently he did too because he never really disagreed,,,,

you guys just ever had a chance to get off on the right foot and really talk

mutual disagreement <33

the thing is, the both of you were never left alone together

like ever

until that one time yall were abandoned (-д-；)

you and ur friend groups planned a hang out but everyone ended up cancelling last minute with no excuse

it was just you two who didnt get the memo and ended up alone

now that you think about it,,,that sounds like smth ur friends would do on purpose

(again, fuck u binsung!! ᕙ(⇀‸↼‶)ᕗ )

so just picture this,,,you and minho both showing up to an arcade and sitting in silence for an hour before getting a text that everyone cancelled

your immediate thought was to go home bc why would minho want to hang out with you???

but after the both of you read the text in the groupchat he got up and made his way inside, holding the door open and quirking his eyebrow up at you

“well, are you coming or not? I wanna try the new vr game.”

and you were just like \\(⊙︿⊙)// ???

he? wants?? to hang out??? with just you????

but u ended up following him in and he paid for your guy’s tickets ≧◡≦

“just buy me lunch after and we’re even”

lunch??? now this mf wants to get lunch together?!$%

you learned one thing about minho that day

he was,,,competitive,,VERY competitive

like what demon possessed him kind of competitive

whenever he won he would flash you a smirk and skip to the next game as he dragged his row of tickets along

it INFURIATED U!!!

ur pride was in shambles

so you unleashed everything after that and won a good amount of games ;)

u had been eyeing a cute cat plush the entire time but u didnt have enough tickets at the end :((

o(╥﹏╥)o damn it capitalism u just wanted a plushie

you didnt rlly want anything else so you gave your tickets to minho and waited to the side for him to get his prize

he came out with tHE SAME PLUSHIE YOU HAD BEEN EYEING \\( ಠ_ಠ)//

but before you could sulk about it he handed it to you and started to make his way to the exit Ｏ(≧▽≦)Ｏ

and during lunch this bitch ended up paying even after saying you should (｀ε´)

\(▰˘◡˘▰)//\\ (▰˘◡˘▰)//\\ (▰˘◡˘▰)// \\(▰˘◡˘▰)//

After that...hang out if you will,,u started to notice minho everywhere

LIKE E V E R Y W H E R E

why was this bitch all over your college campus?

you never noticed minho was in ur class for the longest time jsskkfk

like all of a sudden u just spotted him out of the corner of ur eye and were like o h

once he noticed you too there was no going back

say good bye to paying attention in class

(as if you ever did anyways)

he started to inch closer to you during class

he even started sending you notes

ಠ▃ಠ and u were so paranoid the professor would catch you

but this bitch was slick so u were fine

ヽ(๏∀๏ )ﾉ

he was the type of guy to throw little crumpled sticky notes at you whenever he wanted to say something during class

they’d be covered with doodles of cats and his scribbly messy handwriting + little hearts

it was usually just some dumb thought he had or a crude drawing of the professor (. ﾟーﾟ)

other than those few notes you guys never really talked outside ur friend group

there was one incident late at night tho

you had a big project coming up and it was 2am and you were...2 sentences in T_T

you deserved a coffee break <3

so that was how you found under the awning of an all night coffee shop

except it wasn't all night and closed right after you got ur coffee!!

and now u were stuck under the awning!!

all you had was your measly hoodie that you stole from changbin and your now soggy cup of coffee as you waited for the rain to pass

you might as well of just stayed home since ur wasting all this time you could’ve been working on your project standing outside

were you gonna work on the project once you got home? no

but did the thought of wasted time still make you mad? yes

you slumped against the shop as you bitterly drank your coffee, crushing the cup between your hands

after a couple minutes you felt the rain above you stop

you look to your side to see,,,minho?!

this mf was holding an umbrella above your head

“here, take my umbrella.”

thats when you noticed the cafe uniform he had on

“you work here?” you asked, before taking the umbrella from his hand

“yeah, your observant ass didnt see me literally make your coffee,”

“oh whoops,,,i thought you hated me, why are you giving me our umbrella?”

“i do, but id rather you uh...not die in the cold looking like a dead rat.”

was it just you or were his cheeks dusted pink?

probably the cold

(y/n you dumb bitch-)

you both walk back to your dorms after that

and he insists you carry the umbrella

cus his poor arms are tired from making coffee all day :((

and maybe it's an excuse to be closer to you

since hes a bit taller he has to crouch and scoot closer to you in order to not get wet >_<

⊙﹏⊙ ⊙﹏⊙ ⊙﹏⊙

over the next few weeks your find urself at the cafe he works at more often

one time you got the hours wrong and he wasnt on shift :(

but when you got up to leave he walked in and spent the day helping you study instead of working

you went for the coffee!! not for him!! definitely not,,,

(¬‿¬)

“look, im only hanging out with you cus you get the employee discount.”

“sure, and not cus you enjoy my company-”

“i 100% despise your company.”

ok but u didnt

u actually /REALLY/ liked his company

like WTF

where has he been all ur life

ew that sounded too romantic

but like fr where was he hiding

(・ε・｀)

soon you both were joining binsung on their dates

but it wasn't a double date!!

it was just four friends hanging out and two happened to be a couple

and they liked to hang out at fancy restaurants and do couple like activities

totally normal!!

there was one incident where you were about to pay for your meal but minho placed his hand on top of yours and slid his card instead

“you can pay on the next date.”

NEXT? DATE??

excuse me sir what do u mean-

you ignored changbin and jisung’s snickers behind you the entire night

when minho walked you home you couldnt help but let urself blurt out

“was this a date?”

minho gave you an incredulous look

“...was it not??”

oh my god this is embarrassing

“OH MY GOD WAS IT NOT?!!”

you ignored how minho was now turning crimson red and panicking and tugged on his collar, pulling him down for a kiss

“it was...a date” you mumble, now shy at the close proximity between the two of you

“...im gonna kill jisung.” he muttered, pulling you in for a hug, “he told me this was a double date”

“that can be our next date, the murder of our best friends.”

“wow i am in love with you.”

＼（＾○＾）人（＾○＾）／

minho and y/n murder besties!!

for legal reasons that is a joke

( ˶˘ ³˘(˵ ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°˵)♡

thank you for reading !!

[tsunderecookies]

Horny HC

Pairing: Bakugo x Reader, Midoriya x Reader, Todoroki x Reader, Shinso x Reader, Hawks x Reader

Warnings: nsfw subjects, choking, spanking, spitting, hair pulling, language as vulgar as my mind, degrading, daddy kink.

A/N: Count on me to make my first ever post spicy. All characters mentioned in this are aged up to 21+. I hope y'all enjoy reading this. (Also i made these headers myself - not the chibis - so sorry if they shit, I tried :)))

Requests are open. Please send lol, imma run out of ideas.

So for my first set of hc I took the 5 heroes I had the most ideas for but I’ll definitely do hc’s for the rest as well. Also i love the villians so lmk if you guys want me to do a part 2 of this for them or any of the other heroes!

This man

This.Man.

He's gonna blow your back out. No cap.

I mean you see the way he treats his friends, you can't tell me he won't be daddy in bed.

Speaking of Daddy. Authority kink. It's either Sir, Daddy or Master. Katsuki has left the chat.

Bakugou is in charge, and you sure as fuck better know it. If not, he won't hesitate to remind you, teaching you a lesson you won't forget anytime soon.

100% brat tamer.

Bakugou loves putting you back in your place when you step out of line. He lives for the sound of your pleas and apologies as he reminds you of where you belong; on your knees right in front of him. ( that sounded so sexist pls don't come for me )

Punishments come in the form of spanking and edging for hours on end. He's not scared to manhandle you.

You gasp at the harsh feeling of your back slamming against the wall, the feeling of Bakugous hand slipping around your throat sending a wave of arousal straight to your core.

"What the fuck did you just say?"

"I said make me.... Daddy." A cheeky smile makes it onto your face as you repeat your words, but just as fast as it appeared it vanishes at the feeling of his hand tightening around your throat.

" Oh princess, you never learn do you?"

His favorite positions includes him hitting it from the back - he loves how he can just push your head into the mattress or lean his chest against your back to whisper dirty things in your ear. Not to mention the fact that he can grab your hair and pull your back flush against his chest as he tilts your head back so you can look at him while he rails you- and missionary with both your legs over his shoulders. He loves seeing the facial expressions you make while he presses his hand down onto your throat, his cock hitting places inside you you didn't know existed.

Definitely not afraid of quickies. He loves the adventure and danger that comes with the possibility of anyone being able to walk in on you at any possible moment.

Dirty talk: on fucking point.

" You like that baby? Yeah? You like it when daddy fucks you hard like this hmm? Tell me how much you love this. Tell me how much you like daddy pounding into you like this."

You know that kinda whiney type dirty talk tone? Like where their words are kinda dragged out and kinda high pitched? Yes. Yes.

Absolutely fucking loves when you can't speak. He loves how your words can barely slip out in between your moans and gasps, how absolutely dumb you are for his cock.

100% degrader.

Change my mind. You can't.

"That's right baby, yes - fuck. Take that cock. Take that fat cock like the slut you are."

"You like that you whore? You like it when daddy tells you how slutty you look all needy for his cock?"

This man is not afraid to mark you up. Good luck covering up those hickeys the next morning because its impossible. He wants everyone to know you belong to him, and you can bet your pretty ass that he has a shit eating grin on his face when someone notices them.

You can bet he has a shit eating grin on his face later when you try to confront him about it. He’ll also have some smart ass remark.

I can definitely see Bakugo having angry post argument sex. By the time he tosses you onto bed and crawls onto you the cause of the argument is long forgotten, the only thing going through his mind being how he's going to fuck the attitude out of you.

Absolutely loves it if you're loud. He wants everyone to know he's the one making you feel that good and that he's the only one who could make you scream like that.

" That's right princess, let the whole fucking city know who's making you feel this good!"

Definitely gonna have a ton of noise complaints, especially from your roommates if you have any. ( idk why but i picture katsuki sharing an apartment w kiri, sero and denki )

Bakugo isn't really a moan typpa guy, but god he will draw out the sexiest and unholiest groans and growls from the back of his throat.

I also feel like he's the type of guy that guides you through giving him head, telling you exactly how to suck his cock before he just grabs a fist full of your hair and ends up fucking your face.

We all know Bakugou is an overachiever, and this reflects during sex. He wants to make you cum as many times as possible using his tongue and fingers before he sticks his dick in you.

He isn't as romantic as Shoto with aftercare but he definitely takes care of you. He makes sure to go pee as well as make you go before turning on the shower for you both, adjusting the temperature to your liking.

He loves washing your hair for you in hopes that you'd do the same for him. He secretly loves the feeling of your fingertips massaging his scalp but would never admit it.

He's not super lovey dovey after, but he makes sure to let you know that you're appreciated.

"Love you, dumbass."

"Love you too, Katsuki."

All in all, you're in for a good dicking down.

I feel like this boy pours so much passion into it.

Especially with his history with his parents. The lack of love during his childhood definitely shows during moments like these.

With him it's always making love, its never just fucking. Sex to him isn't just an activity to get off or procreate ( cough Endeavour cough) its a show of both your love for each other, a moment for your bodies to become one.

Your pleasure definitely comes first to him. He would want to get you off at least a couple of times before even thinking of himself.

Shoto also struggles with expressing his emotions so this is a way for him to show you how he feels physically rather that having to convey it verbally.

He's all about the physical contact.

He definitely holds your hands during and whispers sweet nothings in your ear.

His favourite position is missionary. He loves the closeness, how he can look into your eyes and feel your shaky breathing while he moves inside you.

It's either that or you on top with him sitting upright with your bodies pressed together. He loves how close he can hold you. His one hand intertwining with your hair as he presses your head closer to his, the other around your back, occasionally moving down to you hip to help you grind down onto him.

Loves the feeling of your chest against his as he slowly moves between your hips, head resting against your shoulder as his hot breath fans over your skin.

He presses a chaste kiss to your lips before resting his forehead against yours.

"I love you so much angel, you're so beautiful like this."

He's also the type to light candles and have rose petals everywhere on special occasions.

But just because he makes love to you, doesn't mean he can't rearrange your insides while doing so.

Just hot, sweaty, nasty, rough sex.

But with love <3

Even during the rougher moments he makes sure to show you how much he loves you and how much you mean to him.

He'd have his hand all tangled in your hair, some of the unholiest noises leaving his throat as he takes you from behind. His eyes not leaving yours in the mirror placed in front of you.

"Fuck. You feel so good baby - just like that, yeah - look at me princess."

He's very observant. He takes note of the things the drive you crazy so he can work your body even better next time.

Because sex is something more intimate for him I don't think he'd be into sex in public/semi public areas.

He doesn't want anyone else to see the gorgeous expressions on your face while you're at your most vulnerable, or the heavenly sounds that leave your soft lips for him.

I wouldn't go as far as to say he's possessive, but this is definitely something he views as for his eyes only.

He’s not a very big fan of quickies for the simple fact that he likes to take his time with your body and give you as much pleasure as possible rather than just get you both off. He’d much rather prefer waiting for you both to get home and properly take care of you.

Shoto isn't really vocal in bed, but his pleasure will still be conveyed through his shaky intake off breath and the ways his face scrunches up when you clench around him.

He definitely marks you.

Loves marking you as his on your most delicate and intimate parts, painting your chest and inner thighs as his.

He loves trailing his hand over them, rubbing soft circles on the hickeys with his thumb. To him this is proof of the beautiful moment you guys spent together.

The most passionate sex that you both have would definitely be when shoto comes back from a long business trip, his hand could never compare to your body. He definitely plans on making up for lost time, keeping you in his sheets for as long as possible.

And can i just say

The aftercare

Top tier.

He definitely runs you both a hot bath afterwards.

Candles, bubble bath and your favourite bath bomb. The works.

Definitely wants to carry you but won't do so if you feel uncomfortable about it.

He slips in behind you so you're sat between his thighs, his one hand interlacing with yours while the other softly caresses your stomach.

Sets up a little cuddle corner next to the fireplace so you guys can enjoy a movie before falling asleep in each others arms.

Sweet baby boi.

One word: shy.

Izuku knows what sex is and what happens during this intimate act. He’s also watched porn a couple of times so he knows the basics behind it.

But that doesn’t stop him from shape shifting into a fucking tomato every time you start undressing in front of him.

When you both first started becoming intimate you definitely had to make all the first moves and initiate it all because he was too shy and nervous to do it himself.

Even if he was horny as can be and needed you more than anything he’d rather suffer in silence than tell you or ask you to help him out.

He’s definitely not afraid to ask you how to work your body right. Deku knows that not everyone's bodies work the same and that what might have felt good for someone else won’t exactly work for you. So he asks. He asks you how to work your body right and he’ll keep this in mind for future reference.

He marks you but not as much as the others. He’ll litter them on more intimate places both because he doesn’t want to embarrass or inconvenience you and because he’s the only other one he wants to be able to see em. He’ll also get really blushy when he spots them.

This man 100% has a praise kink. He loves knowing how good he’s making you feel and won’t hesitate to let you know as well.

No matter how many times you’ve been intimate before he’ll always tell you how beautiful you look, how much he loves you and how much he can’t wait to make you feel good.

As time goes by and you give him more praise he’ll become more confident intimately.

I can’t really see Izuku having any hard kinks for the simple fact that he doesn’t like the idea of hurting you in any way, especially intentionally.

Like if you were to ask him to choke you or something he’d do it beacause he wants to please you but it would still be the softest shit you have ever experienced. Like for example he’d have his hand around your throat but he wouldn't add any pressure and his hand would barely graze your ass when he attempts to spank you.

He would be down for quickies but he’d be a nervous wreck about em. He’d constantly worry about getting caught and won’t shut up so you’ll just have to make him ;)

“Zuku don’t worry we’ll be fine.“ Your lips mesh together as you pull him closer by his shirt, tugging at the hem to signal you want it off before moving down towards his belt.

“ But y/n - chan I just don’t want us to get caught...” A whine leaves his throat as you start palming him through his jeans before quickly pulling them along with his briefs down to his knees.

“You need to relax more baby.” You press a kiss next to his ear before sinking down to your knees. “In fact I know just how to help you do that.”

Before he could even think of a response his hand flew up to cover out the loud moan threatening to slip out of his ajar mouth as his head fell back.

He’s definitely loud during sex.

Without a doubt.

He lets out these whiny little moans and he definitely tries to hide em. They wouldn’t be especially high pitched but they’d still be higher than usual. Can definitely see him as the type to cover them up with his hand but when you let him know how much you love them he’ll blush a little but let em all out.

You’ve seen how attentive this man is right? How he takes every little piece of info he gets into account when he fills out his journal and comes up with plans?

Yeah your body has its own journal.

Joke lol, but Deku is very attentive and takes note of every reaction he gets out of your body with his touch. How your back arches when his fingers hit that spot inside of you. How your moans get louder when he angles his hips in a certain way. How goosebumps appear when he litters kisses down your neck.

Aftercare with him is the cutest thing ever.

Blushy boi again.

He holds you close to his naked body and pushes his head into the crook of your neck to hide his blush. He’ll thank you for not only sharing moments like these with him but also allowing him to be apart of your life.

Now and then you guys take a hot bath together afterwards but most of the time you fall asleep in each others arms, an occasional kiss being placed on your forehead with a word of comfort.

This man will just love on you so hard.

The first thing that pops into my head when I think Shinso and sex is kitten.

He definitely calls you kitten in bed and he is daddy. period.

Like this man is rough. Without a doubt.

He’s the type that’s really fun to tease because you know he’ll punish you later. Especially if you do it while he’s at work.

A gasp leaves your lips when you feel a familiar pair of arms circle your waist, his warm body pinning you against the railing of the balcony.

"Surprised kitten? I thought you would've expected this, sending me those lewd photos while im at work. "

His hands move to grab onto your waist and push you further into the railing, yours grabbing onto it in turn.

His chest vibrates against your back as he chuckles, you can practically feel the smirk on his face.

"Yeah, you better fucking hold on to something."

I also feel like his pull out game is the best. He mostly enjoys cumming on either your chest or your lower back and face on special occasions.

He loves taking you from behind or on your side while lifting your one leg. He also loves sitting on the edge of the bed with you on top of him with your back facing him while he guides your hips up and down.

He loves these positions because it gives him the perfect angle to please and tease. He can easily reach around and play with your nipples but he can also tease you by just stilling inside of you when you least expect it.

It also gives him better access to the most sensitive parts of your neck so he can mark you up.

I feel like Shinso has a very high sex drive. Like i feel like he's down to go whenever wherever, which is why i think quickies with him is almost a daily occurrence. He loves the risk behind it and he definitely knows how finish you off within 5 minutes. 

He absolutely loves it when you're a brat so use this to your advantage because it will get you r a i l e d.

A loud groan escapes the back of Shinso's throat, his hand tangled in your hair while he rams into you from behind.

"Is this what you wanted baby? Huh? Me fucking the brat out of you?"

He is an absolute king with his hands and he knows it. He knows how to get you absolutely spent with just 2 fingers. 

Definitely jealous as fuck but he doesn't do anything about it until you're alone. He'll act normal up until you get home before pinning you against the wall and reminding you that he's the only man you should be giving attention to.

And oh my god this man can go all night long. He’ll pound you into the mattress until HE thinks you’ve had enough, sweat gleaming on both your bodies in the moonlight as he finally pulls out and pulls you close to him.

He’s definitely very adventurous. He’s not afraid to experiment at all.

I also feel like when he cums he cums A LOT. Like one of his favourite things ever would be you on you knees in front of him, his cock buried deep down your throat as you struggle to swallow everything he's giving you.

Sleepy sex is basically a morning ritual, his hips already rutting against your ass before you've even properly woken up. He loves the laziness of the whole ordeal as well as the closeness. Before you he'd just rub one out before falling back asleep, but now that you're here he can just indulge in you and then fall back asleep. Not that you mind.

Shinso doesn't leave hickeys intentionally. He just gets into it and does it without noticing it. Thinks it's hilarious as fuck when you struggle to hide them and definitely makes a comment about you knowing you enjoyed it so why complain now.

Definitely the type to wake you up and ask you to ride him at ungodly hours.

Member of the suck me off while I'm gaming club.

A little bonus: I can just see both of you going at it and he’s doing you good and then all of a sudden he just stops. Naturally you just assume he’s just trying to be a tease so you buck your hips up in attempt to get him to move inside of you and let out a whiny moan. Shinso would just kinda calmly look at you and go “ Baby... she’s on top of me.” and you’d be like huh???? tf he talking about, and just look up and see the cat you adopted together peeking at you over his shoulder. She lets out the cutest little meow and you both start giggling, taking a mental note to close the bedroom door before you get down in future.

After sex he’d take care of you. He’d clean you up and cuddle you really close. He’d run his fingers through your hair and massage your scalp for you. Will wake you up with breakfast in bed the next morning and a cup of coffee/tea.

Hawks has a god complex in bed and you can't convince me otherwise.

He's the absolute king of oral. He isn't just gluttonous for food if you catch my drift. He knows how to use his tongue, and the way he uses it on your sex is enough to make you see stars.

"Oh god. Fuck, i-i need- oh my god. Keigo, I need mhmmnnmm" your hand runs through his golden locks as you press him closer to your core, hips bucking and thighs threatening to close around his head.

Keigos head peaks up from between your legs, his mouth glistening with your arousal as his hand picks up where his tongue left off. A cocky smile sneaks it's way on his face.

"That's right baby, tell god what you need."

Hawks loves taking you in missionary. Why you may ask. Because this gives you perfect access to his wings. Nothing gets him more riled up than the feeling of your fingers dancing over the base of his wings where they meet his skin. The feeling's enough to draw a growl from within his chest, his hips immediately picking up momentum as he pounds you deeper into the bed.

Just like Katsuki, Keigo isn't afraid to mahandle you.

He loves the sight of your fucked out face as he wraps his hand around you throat, incoherent mumbles the only thing leaving your swollen lips.

He fucks you stupid, tongue lolling out of your mouth and eyes rolling back into your head. The sight of this turns him on ten times more than he already was in the first place.

Keigo will also use his feathers on you 100%.

A small gasp leaves your lips at the feeling of something soft stimulating your sex. You lower your eyes, undeniably turned on by the sight of one of Keigos feathers matching the momentum of his thrusts as his hips slam into yours.

Your eyes travel back up to your lovers face, unable to hold back the moan that escapes your lips as he winks at you with a smirk and picks up his pace.

Undeniably into praise. He absolutely loves when you tell him how good he's making you feel and how he's the only one who possibly could make you feel this way. Definitely gets cocky about it.

Along with his love for praise he also has a love for degrading. He loves the way you instantly start moaning louder and tightening up when he starts calling you his little slut and cocksleeve, it's enough to make his dick twitch.

Definitely possessive and protective as hell over you. Being Keigos sidekick meant a lot of work related arguments about recklessness from both sides. These arguments often times lead to hate sex.

A harsh tug on your arm stops you dead in your tracks as you turn around to come face to face with your fiancee, the scowl on his face giving away exactly what he was feeling before he could even get a chance to open his mouth.

"What the fuck was that." His breath was hot as it fanned over your face, the smell of mint unmissable. "That, Keigo, was me doing my fucking job." "No y/n, that was you being careless! What the fuck were you thinking risking your life like that?!" " Last time i checked that was our job description! We're supposed to be risking our lives to save innocent people, or does that suddenly mean nothing to you anymore?" "I don't fucking care about them I care about you! I have half a mind to remove you from field work thanks to that little stunt!" " For fucks sake Keigo! What are you gonna do?! Tie me to a fucking desk?!"

Within two seconds your back was pressed against a wall, your fiancees hands slamming down next to your head as he moves his face dangerously close to yours.

" Tread lightly princess, or i just might."

Adding to the possessiveness, i feel like Keigo will be one jealous son of a bitch with no shame at all.

Like he'd take you out for dinner at some fancy restaurant to treat you, only to have your waiter start flirting with you. Keigos blood would start boiling, his jaw set as he'd glare at the man flirting with his mate.

As soon as the waiter leaves he'd make some snarky, passive aggressive comments about the scenario before dragging you into the bathroom mumbling " If he can't see who you belong to I guess I'll have to show him"

He'd then proceed to shamelessly pound the fuck out of you in the restaurant making sure everyone, especially that waiter, could hear every single sound the left your lips. He'd leave so many hickeys on your neck. He needs to mark what's his.

"You're mine. You understand me? You belong to me baby, you're all mine." His hand roughly grabs your face making you look him in the eyes. "Say it." He gets impatient, lifting his hand to lightly slap your face, the action drawing a moan from your lips. " I said fucking say it."

Total exhibitionist. You have definitely been pinned against the large windows in your apartment or even his agency, on full display to anyone walking by as he fucks you nice and hard.

I feel like aftercare with Keigo would be little things that don't necessarily classify as aftercare but comforts you both.

After pulling out of you Keigo would lay down next to you, his hands wrapping around your body to pull you closer as his heart hammers in his chest and he waits for his breathing to calm down a tad.

He'd then get up, tug on a pair of boxers and grab the box of cigarettes and lighter on his bedside table before heading out to the balcony.

You'd slip out of bed, putting on his shirt before joining him outside. Your arms would be wrapped around his waist while he smoked, both of you enjoying the slight late night breeze and the sound of the bustling city before heading inside to snuggle up and fall asleep together.

[lubdubsworld]

Insatiable ( Jungkook x OC) Chapter 2

Pairing : Jeon Jungkook x OC

Rating 18+

Genre : Vampire Au!!!! , DILF! Jungkook ! Bodyguard AU! Babysitter OC!   Age difference!!! [ bet you’ve never seen all of this in one fic before? ]

[ Some notes : Born Vampires stop aging when they turn twenty five.  Turned vampires stop aging when they’re turned. ]

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

“You alright?” Somi asked gently, watching me fling  my backpack into the corner of the room with enough force to dislodge one of the wooden panels on the wall, the shelf crashing and bringing down the two potted plants on it. The sound of ceramic shattering made me wince, regret churning in my stomach. 

“Yeah...yeah. Oh, God. I’m so sorry, Somi.. I broke your pots-”

“Never mind the pots...why do you look so upset? Have you been crying?” She demanded , reaching for me, hands curling around my wrists and drawing me into a hug and I swallowed, my throat dry and eyes swollen from all the tears that I’d wrung out of them. 

Outside the room, Namjoon stood guard, at the door and I felt guilty remembering how the past three hours had gone. 

After confronting Jungkook, I’d stormed off in righteous indignation and poor Namjoon had been forced to follow. 

He had kept a discreet distance as I climbed to the tallest ridge on the roof, scaling the gables with ease and I knew he had been terrified at the prospect of me falling. 

Immortal or not a three hundred foot drop to the ground would be something that would hurt.

And it was my bodyguard’s job to make sure I did not get hurt. 

When he wasn’t busy fucking other women that is. 

I gripped my sister harder, fingers curling into the fir of her coat as I tried to catch my bearing. 

“Do you know Helena?” I whispered, pulling away to look at her. Somi’s face fell,eyes filling with sympathy.

“Oh, no. Was she here?” She asked gently, reaching out and cupping my cheeks and my lips wobbled. 

“Why didn’t you warn me that he was in a relationship?” my voice shook and Somi shook her head. 

“He’s not!! God, Helena doesn’t do relationships. Jungkook and her.... well, I’m not sure but they’re just fuck buddies..... barely that. You know she’s from the Kim clan right? Those bloodsuckers never settle for one partner. “ She muttered. 

I stared at her.

“He called me a child and then told me he’ll tell dad if i try to make a move on him.” I whispered. 

Somi flinched.

“Sera....”

“It was humiliating and painful and I don’t ever want to think about it, ever again.” I muttered. 

She sighed. 

“It’s not like you don’t have men dying for a glance from you, Sera. You forget that you’re literally the most beautiful woman in the clan. If he rejects you, you’re definitely not the one missing out in that equation.” 

I nodded, misery seeping into me. My sob-fest on the roof hadn’t been wasted. I was angry at first but now, a sort of resigned acceptance had taken the place of my anger. 

 The look on Jungkook’s face had been too real, the emotion behind his rejection too potent for me to get over. I wasn’t sure I could change his mind.

Wasn’t even sure if I wanted to. 

“Was he very hurtful ? You know, if you tell dad, he’ll hire someone else and-”

“No.” I said immediately. “ I won’t do that. It’s not his fault, it’s minge. I acted out like a...well a child to be honest. He doesn’t owe me anything and he’s always been obvious in his disinterest. I was just too blinded my own attraction to consider that it wasn’t reciprocated.” I grimaced. 

God, I’d been an idiot and Jungkook’s words had knocked some good sense into my head. But I did care for him and his son and they needed this job. I wouldn’t put his job in jeopardy just because I didn’t get my way. 

I was better than that.

“Alright... Dad wanted to meet you for breakfast tomorrow.... He sounded serious. Do you know what that’s about?”

I groaned, when I remembered the reason my dad wanted to see me these days. 

“Dad wants me to start meeting men now. He thinks I’m old enough now that i’ve turned 21. He’s been badgering me for a whole entire month but I kept putting him off because of...well, because of Jungkook.” I admitted. 

Somi looked worried.

“You want to ? If you don’t we can talk to dad and-”

“No-” I shook my head.” I’m just gonna agree.” 

Somi looked surprised.

“Are you sure? Sera you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to-”

I smiled weakly. 

“I’m not going to be allowed to stay single forever Somi. Especially not when the entirety of dad’s day is spent trying to chase suitors away from the door. Do you know the Count from Jeju Do...dude’s a whole seven centuries old and he looks like a toad. He apparently tried to ask about me and Dad’s been freaking out.  “ I shuddered. 

Somi laughed.

“ That’s what you get for being you. But dad’s right. Keeping you away from everyone is only inviting more interest. And we don’t want you to be with someone insufferable.” She ruffled my hair and I hugged her again sighing into her shoulders.

No I didn’t want to be with someone who just saw me as some kind of a possession to be owned. I wanted someone nice and kind. A handsome man who did the right thing .  Someone who maybe, worked hard to give his kid a safe and protected life, someone who didn’t shun away from hard work and was a gentleman as well. 

Someone like-

“Someone other than Jungkook.” Somi said gently reading my mind. 

“I really liked him.” I whispered softly, feeling tears spring again. 

God, I thought I was all out of tears for Jeon Jung Kook but apparently I was wrong. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I took extra care with my makeup the next morning, because my father usually had a ton of business meetings during his breakfast. I didn’t usually bother but , I was going to agree to his suggestions today and well, nothing wrong in delighting my father. And nothing made him happier than seeing me prance about  with pretty feminine clothes . 

My dad, for all his jovial cheerful air, loved his position as the head of the Hwang clan. And as his most prized possession , I was the apple of his eye. And while he didn’t treat me as an object or anything ( my dad loved me deeply and his affection was always evident. ) , there was no mistaking the fact that my dad enjoyed the power that came with being my guardian. Powerful men were willing to bend to his will, just for a chance to be with me. 

I sound insufferable, don’t I?

Trust me I’m not. 

The vampires that court me are usually assholes. Entitled, brain dead assholes .  When I opened the door in the morning, dressed in a short summer dress and ready to meet my dad, I was surprised to see Jungkook standing guard outside. He straightened away from the wall where he was fiddling with his phone, his gaze flitting to me, eyes cold and blank. 

I bowed lightly, not smiling.

“Mr. Jeon. I have a breakfast date with my father and then I’ll be heading to the cottage. I’m also meeting a friend of mine at the Art Museum in the evening so i’ll need the Mercedes brought around to pick me up maybe at 5.00PM.” I said briskly, glancing at him. 

My face flamed red when I noticed his gaze, fixed steadily on my ass. I cleared my throat angrily and his eyes met mine, a slow lazy grin playing around his mouth. 

“You look different.” He commented , shamelessly giving me another once over. 

The nerve. 

I swallowed, willing myself not to blush harder.

“I’m sure I don’t know what you mean.” 

He chuckled.

“That dress barely covers your butt, angel. You sure you want to head to daddy dearest, dressed like that?” The way he said daddy made my skin heat up. 

I felt my jaw come unhinged. 

“That’s...that is none of your damn business.” I said shrilly.

He gave me another once over.

“Okay, then. If that’s what you’re into...fine. Let’s go.” 

Gritting my teeth, i tried to keep my face neutral. I would not give him the satisfaction of knowing that he got to me. I would not. 

I walked ahead of him , my fists clenched and my jaw tight and I felt incredibly upset because the day had barely begun and I was already wound tight. I was supposed to be relaxed and clear headed while talking to my father but Jeon Jungkook had muddled my brains as usual. 

I took deep breaths, trying to calm myself down. 

“Sera, wait.” His voice made me pause and I stopped, turning around to glare at him.

“What?” I snapped. 

He sighed, deeply. I watched as he ran his hands through his hair, tongue pressing into his cheek the way it did when he was upset. 

“About last night-”

I felt my pulse quicken. 

“I don’t wanna talk about it!” I said quickly, turning back around to leave but his fingers came around my arm, gripping hard . 

“Well tough luck. Because I do!” He said sharply. 

I whimpered, pain blooming up my arm and he swore, loosening his grip.

“I keep forgetting you’re human.” He muttered, “ I’m sorry... I just... I wanted to apologize for how i handled things last night. I was twenty once and I should have been more understanding.”

I closed my eyes. Oh, God no. Please, please for the love of God, let me hate you in peace. Don’t apologize and make me fall in love all over again.

“Its fine.” I choked out. “ You were right. I was out of line.”

“You deserve better.” He said quickly, eyes flitting away from my face and I felt a sharp pang in my heart. God , this was agonizing. 

“Jungkook-”

“It’s just that you’re...well you know who you are. You can’t be with ...someone like me and trust me you don’t want to be with someone like me either. I know its appealing, the whole illusion of stability. older man, has a kid, has his life together .....but that’s not all it means .” He gave me a tired smile.

I bit my lips, ot replying and he went on. 

 “ I have baggage, a shit ton of it and I would have to be especially cruel to unload something like that on a girl barely out of her teens. I’ve done shit I’m not proud of ,....but ruining your life, I’m gonna draw the line there.” He smiled , looking a whole decade younger and I closed my eyes.

I was back to square one, I thought miserably. He had my whole heart. 

“ So we’re good right?” He prompted and I exhaled, giving him a smile.

“We’re good.”

“That’s good. Because my son loves you and I would rather we be friends. You’re just like a daughter to me. ” He touched my face gently, pulling away at once, the small contact leaving fire in its wake and I had to clench my fists . 

A daughter?!! Is he out of his damned mind? 

“Okay.” 

“Let’s go then.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Jungkook, please sit down. You’re like my son and I don’t want you hovering like you’re part of the backdrop. I’ve trusted you with my entire life.” My father beamed, pointing at me and i laughed. 

Jungkook bowed respectfully, taking the chair next to me. 

“How are you , my buttercup?” My father asked softly, fingers gripping mine and I smiled.

“I’m well, father. Do you like my dress?” 

Next to me Jungkook coughed and I shot him a dirty look. 

“It looks ravishing on you. The prettiest flower in my estate is my daughter, do you agree Jungkook?” My father prompted and I swallowed the smirk that threatened. 

Poor Jungkook was going to learn that being my bodyguard meant singing my praises twenty four seven or at least anytime my father was in hearing distance. 

“Uh..” Jungkook’s eyes flitted between the two of us, “ Yes sir. Your daughter is quite lovely.” 

I beamed at him and he looked away quickly. 

Coward. 

Turning back to my dad I held my hand out. 

“DAd, you wanted to see me about something?”

“Yes dearest. You know the Kim clan’s matriarch has been after me. Three of her great great great grandsons have come of age recently. And all three of them are set to take over some very lucrative businesses. They are good men and apparently they’re quite smitten with you. They say you know of them from school?”

I sighed.

“Do you know their names?” I prompted.

“Mingyu, Minjae and Yugyeom.” My father said briskly. 

 Ugh.

 “ They’ve asked me out before, yes.” 

“Uh..Excuse me.. Could I get a refill?” Jungkook said quietly next to me and i turned, watching him wave to one of the footmen. 

“Jungkook, are you thirsty?” My father asked brightly. 

An idea formed in my head, wicked and dangerous. 

“Perhaps, he should get a taste of the Hwang Elixir?” I said innocently. 

My father’s gaze snapped to mine. 

A small frown made its way to his face. 

“Are you sure? I’m not sure if Jungkook would be comfortable-”

I turned to him, purposely flipping my long hair off my shoulders exposing my throat . Jungkook’s eyes went to the curve of my neck at once and i felt a sick sort of triumph when his eyes flashed red.

“Oh, no no...” I crooned, leaning in closer. “ I’m sure you aren’t uncomfortable , are you Jungkook ssi? After all, I am just like a daughter to you , aren’t I?” I stared right at him, fluttering my lashes and I saw his jaw clench. 

“Of course, Ms. Hwang.” He said briskly, glaring at me. I played with the small gold chain around my neck, letting my fingers flutter over my pulse , drawing his gaze there.

“Well, that is true ...” My father looked uncertain, but I gave him a gentle nod and a smile. 

“Well, as a special guest, I suppose you can enjoy our hospitality , Jeon. Why don’t you take a drink from -”

I moved closer, pressing up against him and Jungkook sighed, lips closing over my neck, and I felt my eyes flutter shut at the wet warmth of his mouth . 

It was intoxicating, the way he used one hand to grip my neck gently, the other on my waist to steady me and when his fangs pierced through, I could sense the warm liquid flood his mouth and Jungkook’s entire body relaxed, a strangled moan escaping him. 

“---my daughter’s wrist.” My father finished and I felt Jungkook stiffen next to me. 

This time I couldn’t stop the grin that bloomed on my face. 

My eyes dropped to his lap and yup, his pants definitely looked a tad tighter. 

“Did I do good, Mr Jeon? Or should I call you daddy? ” I whispered quietly , fluttering my lashes at him and his fangs retracted and he pulled away from me, shoving me back into my own chair quickly. 

My father was slightly slack jawed. 

“I’m sorry, Mr. Hwang. “ Jungkook muttered and I laughed.

“I do believe it is I whom you should be apologizing to. It is  my  neck you just mauled. ” I smiled brightly staring at Jungkook and if looks could kill, I would have a thousand wooden stakes through my heart right about now. ‘

Take that Mr. Jeon. 

Daughter, my ass. 

“My apologies , Sera.” He said stiffly. 

My father laughed raucously.

“Ahh, you must be used to the neck, my dear boy. understandable understandable. it is how we used to do it in the old days, after all . These younglings with all their etiquette and feminism and what not....it’s hard to keep up..... But now you must tell me? Is my daughter not the sweetest you’ve ever had?” 

I choked, coughing. Oh God, sometimes my 900 year old father had no idea how he sounded. 

Jungkook looked like he had swallowed a lemon. 

“She’s certainly ...” He stopped, probably realizing that any adjective at the end of that sentence would sound entirely wrong. 

“Delicious?” I prompted, blinking innocently and Jungkook shot me another glare. 

“Well, nevermind nevermind. .... So, tell me dearest, will you be willing to meet the Kim boys?”

I sighed.

“I like Yugyeom. I cannot stand Minjae. I don’t know enough about Mingyu to make any judgement. How about I meet Mingyu and if I don’t hit it off with him, I will allow Yugyeom to court me....” I said softly.

I glanced at Jungkook but he was studiously looking away. 

“Very well my dear. Do you have any plans today?”

“I’m meeting a friend at the museum.”

My father’s eyes widened.

“Well isn’t that a wonderful coincidence. Mingyu's law firm is just a block away if I’m not mistaken. I’ll ask the boy to pick you up afterwards. Have dinner with him and you can tell me tonight of your choice.” My father smiled briskly.

“Yes, father.” 

“Jungkook..” My father prompted and the vampire glanced up.

“Yes, sir?”

“Take good care of her. At the restaurant, make sure you stay at hearing distance. “ 

“Yes sir.” Jungkook bowed and I groaned. 

In other words, let my father know if I behaved appropriately. 

i pouted and my father waggled his finger at me.

“No, no no.. Missy. I’m going to make sure you keep your end of the bargain . You need to give these men a proper chance before you reject them. “ 

I nodded.

“And you must ask Either Somi or Seolhyun to dress you. No jeans or one of those ridiculous gowns that make you look like a pastry.”

There was no mistaking the snort that came from my right and i glared at Jungkook before turning to my dad.

“Yes, father.” 

“Good, now run along the pair of you. “

I stood up, kissing my father fondly on his forehead.

“I love you.” I whispered. 

“You are my whole entire joy, dearest. “ He kissed my hand gently, eyes warm and soft.

As we left the room, Jungkook let out a sigh.

“I am never having a meal with you two again.” He ground out and I laughed. 

“Anything you say, daddy.” I grinned. 

Jungkook groaned. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As luck would have it,  my friend cancelled . 

So at six the evening, I finished locking up the cottage as the last of the kids left, fumbling with the lock while a tired Joo Won napped in his father’s arms, head resting on Jungkook’s shoulders. I felt myself soften at the picture they made, Jungkook singing softly , fingers brushing his son’s hair back as he rocked him gently. 

“I’ll be a while... I needed to get ready. Why don’t you put him to bed? Who’s watching him tonight?”

“Hwasa and Moonbyul offered. I’ll drop you off in your room and head to the north wing. What time are you meeting the jerkwad?” He said casually.

I blinked rapidly, confused.

“I’m sorry... the jerkwad?” 

Jungkook shrugged.

“It’ just a fact. Most men are absolute jerks at twenty one.” He shrugged. 

i felt myself bristling on behalf of the unknown Mingyu.

“That is absolutely unfair. My brothers were incredibly kind and good.”

“To you perhaps. Because they don’t have to impress you. But men act differently when they’re trying to get between a woman’s thighs. They’re jerks when they want to get laid...” He grinned.

“Is that why you act like a jerk to me? ” I smiled evilly and he rolled his eyes.

“Oh, darling we both know I don’t have to act in any different way to get you into my bed . I just have to do this.” He smirked, curling his finger in a come hither gesture.  

I felt my pulse pound and I tried not to let his words get to my head. He was flirting , yes but it was a joke. He was joking with me because the very idea of being with me was a joke to him. 

And I couldn’t forget that. 

Rolling my eyes, I pulled on the lock a couple more times to make sure the door was well locked. 

“Shall we leave?” He prompted watching me wrestle the backpack onto my shoulders. I grunted under the weight. 

“Of course. Let’s go.” 

We walked in silence for a few seconds.

“So, how’s he doing? With stuff?” Jungkook asked gently and I felt warmth bloom in my chest. 

“He’s very advanced for his age Jungkook. You’ve done a wonderful job with him. He’s able to read and he has a beautiful l writing hand. He’s learned his multiplication tables all the way up to seven and he has the voice of an angel. Which I think he gets from you. ” I smiled, reaching out to brush the back of Joowon’s head. 

Jungkook smiled softly, the late evening sun painting his perfect features in a soft golden glow. 

“Your father was kind enough to support me the first few years when i had him. I didn’t trust anyone enough to leave him with them and well... i needed to put a roof over our head.” He sighed . 

I touched his arm, giving it a small squeeze.

“I understand. I’m glad you’re here. He’ll grow up well in our clan.   “

“And he has a lot of excellent men to look up to here...He needs a good role model, someone kind and amazing who can inspire him to be hardworking and fair. ” He smiled.

I bit my lips.

“I think he’s had that all along. ” I said quietly.

Jungkook’s breath caught for a second and the air between us changed. I licked my lips. 

“Jungkook you’re a good father. You know that right?” I said after a few more seconds of silence. 

He laughed.

“Am I really? I wonder.” 

“He loves you.” I breathed , “  You’re all he talks about.... Today, one of the other kids tried to say that his father was brave because he helped someone who was stuck in an elevator. you know what Joowon did? He listed some twenty different incidents where you’ve helped people out....And he looked so proud.”

Jungkook’s ear looked red in the brightly lit garden. 

“i was just doing my job. Most of those times, I was in danger.” He grunted. 

“And yet, you did the right thing. “ I whispered. “ And your son was watching. And he’s learned the importance of doing the right thing even when you’re scared. That’s a life lesson that isn’t easy to learn.”

“Can’t disagree with that.” He chuckled. I grabbed his arm forcing him to stop. 

I had to tell him this. 

 “ Jungkook, when immortality is on the plate, people don’t give much value to morals. They don’t always care about doing the right thing.... . Its how our kind functions. Consequences don’t mean much when you have a whole eternity to fix your mistakes.....So I always admire vampires who value morals. “ I smiled, “ To see a five year old with such a well formed moral compass... it tells me that you’re an amazing father. Possibly the best I’ve ever met. “ I reached out, to hold his hand, wanting to touch him in some way, to make him believe that I was completely honest. 

“Sera!!!!!!” My sister’s voice made me jump and Jungkook stepped away as well. 

“Dad told me you’re going on a date? I’ve picked out an outfit for you!! But you need to take a shower! You cannot show up smelling like diapers and spit-up.” She called. 

I groaned. 

“Time for the ugly duckling to transform into a swan, I see?” He said gently. 

“Your son’s favorite fairytale.” I whispered.

“He makes me read it every night.” 

“I would like to sit in on that someday.” I laughed.

His eyes met mine. 

“You’re always welcome, Ms Hwang,” He smiled politely. “ Someday soon maybe your kids and my son would be friends.” 

And just like that the wall grew between us. 

His kids and my kids. 

Not our kids because he wasn’t for me. 

He would never be for me. 

I felt the sudden inexplicable urge to cry. 

Turning away, I began following my sister as she waved to me. . 

“I’ll be at your door at seven.” He called out behind me. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[taeyongdoyoung]

summary: you have a crush on college student renjun so you make use of your best lamest flirting attempts and surprisingly they work?!

pairing: renjun x gn!reader

genre: college!au, romance, pure fluff

warnings: very lame jokes, mentions of a cruel prank in the past (someone asking out renjun as a joke, pls never do that to people!), lots of awkwardness & sweetness, a bit of swearing, reader has an obsession with renjun’s pretty hands

word count: 4.7k

It had been a while since you had a crush so strong you even had a hard time focusing in class. Usually, you were a very good student, diligently taking notes and participating when the professor asked questions. But that was until you saw Renjun for the first time. 

It was like something possessed you and suddenly you couldn't think about anything else but his pretty, gentle face, his angelic voice and his lovely hands always drawing something in his notebook. It certainly didn't help much that you were seated right next to him during your shared lectures. It most certainly didn't help that you forgot all your vocabulary when you were in his immediate vicinity. Usually, your teachers and friends described you as well-spoken and eloquent, always knowing the right thing to say. 

But that was, of course, until Renjun. All words disappeared from your poor brain whenever he was around. And it's not like you didn't want to talk to him, get to know him better. But you physically couldn't bring yourself to form a coherent sentence. You kept telling yourself it was just a silly crush and it would pass in time. But the more time passed, the stronger you felt the need to do something about your feelings. Naturally, you couldn't speak, but there was still something you could do. Something you probably did best. Write.

So one day, after what felt like an eternity of yearning, you finally gathered the courage to act on your emotions. Taking a small sheet of paper out of your notebook, you wrote a little something. It was probably super lame but apparently, even your writing skills were affected by your crush on him. As soon as your "masterpiece" was done, you slid it towards Renjun before you could chicken out and change your mind about this whole thing. The note had the following text:

Roses are red, Violets are blue, Your drawings are almost As pretty as you. P.S. Key word: almost ;)

The second he spotted the little note which was folded in a hurry, he opened it curiously. Once he read its insides, you could hear him snort under his breath. Was it that bad? You couldn't help but worry. Then, he took his own pen and started writing something under it. That was a good sign, right? You were feeling hopeful. Once he was done, he slid the paper towards you. You opened it in a rush. His response was:

Hey! Are you bullying my art?!?

You looked at him in confusion. How could he have possibly misunderstood? However, he was too focused on multitasking (drawing most of the time and occasionally taking notes based on the lecture) to spot your reaction. You decided you had no choice but to be as explicit as possible and wrote another note:

Nooo, I meant to compliment both you and your art, sorry if it came off wrong and lame :(

When he received it, you could swear you saw him smiling a little, which made your heart melt. How was he so beautiful? Soon enough, his reply came:

That's alright, I'm just teasing...Also, it worked.

You couldn't believe it. It worked? You'd successfully grabbed his attention by using this first-grade flirting method in college? You were suddenly feeling brave and kept writing. It was too late to turn back time.

I just think you're really pretty and cool especially when you draw but I was too hesitant to talk to you directly...

When he read your most recent note, he even gave you a look of disbelief, which you couldn't interpret until you saw his response:

Cool? Wow, that's a first...And it's ok, I don't bite.

You chuckled quietly and suddenly noticed that class was ending soon. You couldn't wait until tomorrow so you hurriedly wrote the content of your next note:

What do I have to do to get your number?

Renjun shook his head in amusement and this time, his reply came quicker than before:

*number enclosed* Here, that wasn't so hard, was it?

You could hear the lecturer saying his words of conclusion and you hurried to respond via another note, because you couldn't trust your voice to actually speak to Renjun. Not yet, at least. So, you wrote:

Thank you!!! Here is mine: *number enclosed*

And just as he received your final note, the students around you started gathering their things. You simply looked at Renjun and you still couldn't believe he'd actually replied to your silly flirting and even gave you his number! You waved him goodbye like a lovesick fool and practically ran outside of the lecture hall. Stage fright whomst? Try having a crush on the prettiest boy in the world.

After you went back home, you debated calling Renjun. Eventually, you talked yourself out of it. What if you said something stupid and embarrassing? With texting, you could at least have more time to think things through before sending them. Actually speaking to him seemed too terrifying a task to accomplish. So, you texted him excitedly and your heart did a back-flip when he replied. Was it strange that you already missed him, even though it had only been a couple of hours since you last saw him? Naturally, you couldn't tell him that, it would probably freak him out. So, you settled for texting (for the time being).

Renjun: Why did you run away after class?

You: I was too nervous to speak to you, I'm sorry!!!

Renjun: That's strange, I see you talking to your friends all the time...Am I so scary?!?

You: Nooo, you're not scary, I'm just being an idiot 😔

Renjun: Top of the class does not equal idiot but I'll let it slide this time

You: Thank you for your generosity!

Renjun: What are you up to?

You: Probably gonna work on that assignment for next week

You: Sorry, I'm so boring 😔

Renjun: First of all, you don't have to apologize so much, you did nothing wrong

Renjun: Second of all, saaame. We can brainstorm together if you want?

You: Sorry, I'll stop. Oops, I did it again. Pretend you didn't see it.

You: Also omg, yes pls, that would be great!

And that is how your friendship with Renjun started. Texting on your phones and exchanging notes during class lasted a week until you finally decided to ask him out. Again, via text, because you were feeling too shy to speak to him. The only other contact you'd had was waving at each other. And it's not like he spoke to you, either. There were two explanations for that: 1) he chose to respect your decision or 2) he was possibly just as shy as you were. Whatever the reason, you thought this could not go on forever so you managed to find the bravery to propose a date.

You: Do you wanna go out with me? 👉🥺👈 

Renjun: Sure, where do you wanna go?

You: Oh, wow, I didn't think I'd get this far lol

You: Where do YOU wanna go?

Renjun: Hmm, there's this new art gallery I've been meaning to visit...if that's okay with you

You: Anything is good with me as long as I get to see your pretty face

Renjun: What

You: I said you're pretty

Renjun: Shut up, oh my God...

You: Do you want me to stop?

Renjun: Say that again

You: You're pretty

Renjun: 😳😳😳

Renjun: I can't wait to see you again

You: Same here

Once you got to the front of the art gallery, it struck you how strange it was that you would speak to Renjun for the first time ever. You mentally braced yourself as you awaited his arrival anxiously. Your nails were digging into the inside of your hands and you were terrified you'd pierce holes through your own skin. You told yourself this was silly, you had no reason to be so nervous. Renjun was a total sweetheart and he obviously liked talking...well, writing to you. You needn't worry that much, you kept repeating in your mind. You were too busy hyping yourself up to notice him approaching behind you. Too busy to be prepared for what came next.

"Hiii," Renjun greeted you with a surprise back hug.

"Oh dear," you jumped in shock as you turned around.

"Did I scare you, angel?"

Shit. Already with the pet names? How were you supposed to survive?

"No, it's fine," you waved him off, trying to play it cool. "Isn't it weird this is the first time we're actually speaking to each other?"

"Um...kinda," Renjun scratched the back of his head. "But I like it, it's what makes this so special."

"Wow, you sure do have a way with words," you chuckled.

"Shall we go inside?" he suggested.

"Yes, please."

As you looked around the art gallery, you kept pointing excitedly at the paintings, while Renjun was quietly evaluating them and telling you interesting stories about the artists. You couldn't help but be amazed by how attractive he was as he exhibited his knowledge. And of course, you couldn't help but wonder at how he was so much more beautiful than all the art you've ever seen. Naturally, you wouldn't tell him that. First of all, because it was too lame to speak aloud. Second of all, because your voice would undoubtedly betray you and crack or something even more embarrassing. As time passed, you were surprised at how easy it was to talk to him, despite your previous concerns. Renjun was very polite and soft-mannered and he made you feel comfortable, while the two of you looked at the paintings and discussed them. Once you'd seen everything, you were starting to feel a bit bummed out that your lovely date was coming to an end. When you were outside the art gallery, you impulsively asked:

"Can I walk you home?"

"I mean...sure. On one condition."

"Anything."

"I get to walk you home next time."

"There'll be a next time?" you whispered hopefully.

"I hope I don't sound presumptuous if I share my observation we both had a wonderful time."

"That's perfectly alright. Your observation is correct," you admitted.

"I live just around the corner, though. You really don't have to-"

"But I want to."

"So do I," Renjun said and the two of you began walking towards his home.

"I was wondering about something...You already know I didn't speak to you because I was feeling shy, but why didn't you? I have two theories, but I'm curious which one is more on point."

"Do tell and I'll try my best to enlighten you," he joked.

"Okay, so theory number one is you were being respectful of my wish not to talk yet. Theory number two is that you're just as shy as I am."

Renjun laughed and you could swear this was the sweetest sound in the entire universe.

"Am I so transparent? Honestly, it's a little bit of both. But there's another part you didn't guess. But it's too embarrassing."

"Come on, tell meee! It can't be more embarrassing than my lame attempts to flirt with you."

Renjun smiled gently.

"Well, to be honest, I couldn't believe you thought I was cool and pretty...I even feared this was some sort of prank. It wouldn't be the first time someone decided to mess with me like that."

"Renjun, are you serious? I don't understand why anyone would...Scratch that, whoever messed with you didn't deserve even a fraction of your attention. I meant every word I said. I really like you...and your paintings. And I'm sorry I couldn't say it aloud earlier. You genuinely deserve to hear nice things more."

"Thank you. I appreciate it," he blinked cutely. "But enough about me. I never told you...how beautiful you are. How kind and smart."

"I know," you waved him off teasingly. "But coming from you, this means a lot."

Renjun shook his head, amused by your words.

"We should go somewhere you like next time. Maybe a bookshop?" he suggested.

"Am I so transparent?" you repeated his words. "But sure, yeah. That sounds nice."

"Well, this is me," he said, pointing towards his home.

"Already? Aw, time sure flies by when you're having fun."

"I'll see you tomorrow in class, right?"

"Of course," you promised and before you could talk yourself out of it, gave him a quick but heartfelt hug. "Bye, Renjun."

"Bye, angel."

After your first date with Renjun, things were going quite smoothly. You finally got over your nervousness when it came to talking to him and the two of you would occasionally whisper things to each other during class. The first time he held your hand under the desk your cheeks filled with colour. Despite your embarrassment, you held his hand right back and granted him with a grateful smile. After that, holding hands in class (whenever you weren't busy taking notes) became like second nature to you two. It just felt so sweet and comfortable to be close to him. You couldn't wait till the next weekend for your second date. Even though you were just going to a bookshop and had nothing that special planned out, you enjoyed being around him so much that you were more than excited for spending time with him one-on-one. No professors or other students to distract you.

When the day finally arrived, you were surprised to find out your anxious self had made a comeback. Even though you were around him everyday and had grown accustomed to holding a conversation, it had been an entire week since your first date when it was just the two of you and you couldn't help but get cold feet as you were waiting in front of the bookshop. This time Renjun didn't surprise you from behind, you could see him approaching from a distance. Mentally bracing yourself for his inevitable arrival, you knew you'd be an awkward mess no matter how hard you tried.

"Hey, angel," he greeted you with the usual hug.

"It's nice to see you again, Renjun," you replied dumbly, briefly melting into his arms.

"You saw me yesterday, remember?" he teased you.

"Um, yeah, but still," you chuckled.

"Is everything okay? You don't seem like yourself," Renjun immediately noticed the change in your behaviour.

"Why wouldn't it be? Everything's peachy," you lied, but he didn't seem to believe you.

"Be honest with me, please," Renjun asked. You suddenly remembered what he'd confided in you during your first date. It was no wonder he had a hard time trusting you after someone in his past had had the nerve to pull such a cruel prank on a soul as sweet as his. You felt guilty for lying rightaway and began explaining yourself.

"I'm sorry, I'm just nervous. I don't want to fuck anything up. Like I just did by lying and swearing. Fuck. I did it again, didn't I? I'll shut up now," you were rambling anxiously.

"Relax, Y/N, I totally get it. I was just worried maybe you didn't want to be here...with me."

"What? Nonsense. There's nowhere else I'd rather be. No one else I'd rather be with."

"Well, the feeling's mutual so there's no need for concern. Let's look at those books, yeah?"

"Yeah, sounds good, Renjun."

As the two of you went inside and started exploring the hundreds of shelves together, you felt yourself relaxing a little. Being surrounded by so many familiar titles, so many gorgeous covers was comforting. And as you kept showing Renjun some of your favourite books and telling him about your most beloved characters, he realized you were back to your usual self in no time. Attentively listening and occasionally sharing his opinions on certain authors, you didn't notice how quickly time passed by and how much you had enjoyed yourself and each other's company. Once you had looked through the bookshop in its entirety, you felt like it was too early to put an end to your date, but you didn't want to come off as too clingy or something. So, you simply looked at Renjun, expecting him to say what he wanted to do next.

"I promised you I'll walk you home this time, didn't I?" he smoothly said.

"I believe you did," you giggled. It was so sweet of him to remember such a detail.

"I'm a man of my word so lead the way," Renjun replied, offering you his arm.

"It will be my pleasure," you eagerly took his arm and the two of you began walking. You were deliberately moving at a slow place, simply because you didn't want this to end and felt like prolonging the time around him.

"Your hands are so pretty," you blurted out at one point.

"You like my hands, huh?" Renjun smirked.

"Did I say that out loud?" you were undoubtedly blushing really hard.

"I'm afraid so."

You felt completely mortified as you covered your face with your own hands.

"Hey, hey, it's fine. You can tell me anything. Chances are I'll take it as a compliment."

"Really?" you sneaked a peak. "You don't think I'm weird?"

"Maybe a little bit, but it's one of the things I like about you."

"One?" you blinked curiously.

"You're really fun to be around and you've been nothing but sweet to me. And of course, you're stunning, but that goes without saying."

"Without saying? I don't mind hearing it, though."

"I'll have that in mind," Renjun smiled gently.

"Renjun?"

"Yes?"

"Can you hold my hand?" you almost begged.

"I don't know, can I?" he tormented you with a joke.

"Will you hold my hand?" you corrected yourself.

"All you had to do was ask," Renjun acquiesced and intertwined your fingers.

Walking hand in hand, you eventually reached your place. As you two stared at one another, you refusing to go inside, him refusing to go, both of you refusing to let go of the other's hand, you thought to yourself how badly you wanted to kiss him. You had no idea if it was too early for that but you knew that the longer you tried to postpone it, the more you'd crave him. And you were an impatient person. So you quickly kissed him without thinking much. It was a bit awkward and rushed but at least, you had finally done as you wanted. Renjun looked taken aback and blinked at you a couple of times.

"I'm sorry," you apologized again. "I just..."

He silenced you softly with another kiss, this time more slowly and putting your mind and heart at ease. You lost yourself in the feeling of his plush lips against yours, finally letting go of his hand so that you could wrap yours around his neck. Hesitant at first but growing bolder by the second, you could sense Renjun's tongue testing the waters. You slightly parted your lips, letting him in. As the kiss intensified, you could feel him becoming more eager to touch you, his arms wrapped around your lower back. When you were seconds away from losing your breath, you finally broke the kiss. Opening your eyes to look at him, you couldn't help but let out a sigh of relief. He'd kissed you back.

"I thought I told you to stop apologizing so much. Especially, when you haven't done anything wrong," Renjun scolded you politely.

You opened your mouth to argue, but when you realized your immediate response would have been another 'I'm sorry', you closed it. A second later, you came up with a different reply.

"I guess you'll have to discipline me, then," you huffed in a challenge.

"Dumbass," Renjun flicked your forehead.

"Hey!" you complained with a pout. "That hurts."

"What do you want me to do? Kiss it better?" Renjun gave an unamused look.

"That doesn't sound like such a bad idea," you mumbled, not expecting him to actually...kiss your forehead. But he did. And damn your knees for threatening to give out.

"Feel better yet?"

You nodded enthusiastically.

"Get inside already," Renjun tickled your sides, nudging you in the direction of your door.

"You want to get rid of me so badly?"

"No, but we can stand here forever if you don't," he rolled his eyes.

"Do you want me to invite you in?"

"Don't tempt me and go," he was impossible to sway.

"Okay, okay," you relented. "See you tomorrow, Renjun!"

For your third date Renjun suggested something different. While your first and second date had all taken place in public locations, this time he offered going to his place. And maybe the shock on your face was too obvious, because Renjun was quick to keep talking and almost take it back.

"We don't have to if you don't want to! We can just watch something at the cinema or whatever. Forget I mentioned it if you're uncomfortable."

You quickly shook your head.

"No, no, I do want to come over! I was just...not expecting it."

"Yeah? You sure?"

"A hundred per cent," you nodded excitedly.

"Sorry to break it to you, but I'm at two hundred per cent," Renjun teased.

"It's not a competition," you reminded him.

"It's not if I'm winning," he kept playing around.

You rolled your eyes.

"So what are we watching?" you asked.

"You can't go wrong with Harry Potter, am I right?"

"You are so right," you squealed. "Which house are you in?"

"Don't get me started. Sometimes I get Ravenclaw, sometimes Slytherin, it's a mess."

"That's pretty cool, though," you were practically staring at him with heart eyes at this point.

"You're a Hufflepuff, aren't you?"

"Am I so transparent?" you complained, this line becoming something of a running gag between the two of you.

"Cute," he mumbled under his breath and you blushed, not managing to maintain eye contact.

When the time arrived for you to go to Renjun's place, you were more excited rather than nervous. He was so easy to talk to and you were genuinely making so many wonderful memories that you had made it your mission to not waste any second worrying needlessly.

"I have arrived," you announced the obvious as you stood at his door.

"I can see that," Renjun chuckled. "Come on in."

"I wasn't sure if I should bring something so I bought some pizza on the way. It's still hot, so I hope you're hungry," you said as you followed him inside like a puppy.

"Oh, that's very thoughtful. And I always have enough space left for pizza."

You grinned and the minute you put the box on the table and your arms were free, you wrapped them around Renjun in a hug.

"You're so warm," you murmured against his skin.

He kissed the top of your head swiftly. Soon after, the two of you were too busy re-watching Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, eating pizza and holding hands to talk much. Once the movie was over, you realized how badly you didn't want to go home and how cozy leaning your head on Renjun's shoulder felt. And how much you liked him and couldn't stop thinking about his hands, his smile and his overall existence.

"Do you want to go home already?" Renjun asked the dreaded question.

"I mean, not really, but I don't wanna impose myself on you," you whispered.

"Don't be so formal," Renjun replied. "Just stay a little longer."

"Yayyy!" you were quite overjoyed and kissed his cheek. "What do you want to do?"

"Hm, I don't know. I could give you a tour around the place."

"Sure, that sounds fun," you immediately agreed.

"Don't get your hopes up, it's just a regular college guy's apartment."

"I'm sure I'll be amazed by every little detail."

"Even my socks?"

"Especially your socks," you joked.

As he showed you around his apartment, you couldn't help but be amazed by how Renjun-like everything was. From the snug kitchen to his art supplies scattered around. Every corner made the atmosphere feel extremely homey. Until you saw something that you hadn't expected, something that hadn't come up in conversation before. A stunning grand piano. You looked at the instrument and then at Renjun and finally, back at the piano.

"Do you play?"

"No, I just keep things like that as an accessory," he responded sarcastically. "Of course, I play."

"Can you...no, wait," you stopped yourself before making a similar mistake to the one you made a while ago. "Will you play something for me?"

"Right now?"

"If it's not too much trouble," you gave him the very best pleading look you were capable of.

Renjun sighed reluctantly and sat down on the bench in front of the piano.

"Don't just stand there awkwardly, sit next to me," he urged you courteously. 

You followed his advice and took the free spot. However, nothing could have possibly prepared you for witnessing Renjun's skills up-close. Watching him play was like magic. You were simply in awe and couldn't help but stare at his pretty fingers hitting the keys in just the right ways. When he was finished performing the piece, you were too frozen to do anything. Couldn't even manage to clap, even though he deserved it so much. But you were too transfixed by his playing and those damn hands of his you couldn't possibly move.

"Earth to Y/N?" Renjun went as far as snapping his fingers right in front of your face.

"Huh?" you let out.

"Did I enchant you or what?"

"I think you did," you chuckled. "Just...wow. You're insanely good."

He looked away bashfully.

"Thanks. It just takes practice."

"Nah, I've heard people play before but what you have is different. So pure and genuine. Like a blessing. And I'm not just saying that because I think I'm falling in love with you. I really mean every word."

"Care to repeat that?"

"I really mean..." you started, still not registering what exactly you'd said. How far you'd gone. What you couldn't take back.

"Before that," Renjun reminded you gently. "You know. The part about falling in love with me."

"Shit. I was thinking out loud again, wasn't I?" you asked dumbly. "It's too early for that, I know. I'm really sorry. Let's just pretend I said nothing and forget about it, yeah?"

In your panic, you jumped up from the bench and were about to escape like a coward but Renjun grabbed your hand before you could take another step.

"I think I'm falling in love with you, too," he said.

"W-what?" you stammered.

"And I don't care about whether it's too early or not. And I'm not going to pretend I didn't hear it. So the question is...what are you going to do about that?"

"Me? What...am I supposed to do?"

"What you want to do," Renjun clarified.

"Um...I want to keep falling in love with you, Renjun. And holding your pretty hands. Spending time with you. Listening to your angelic voice. What I want...is for you to be my boyfriend."

"I thought I already was."

"You were?"

"We went on a couple of dates...we kissed...Haven't I made it obvious enough?"

"Oh, right," you chuckled. "Sorry."

"Say that word one more time, I dare you," Renjun slowly ran a finger down your lips.

"S-sorry?" you had to test his patience. Before you could argue, he kissed you fiercely, wrapping his palms around your cheeks. You were drowning beneath his touch, which was ridiculous, considering he was also setting your lips on fire. You figured if saying sorry too much was going to end up like this, you would be a fool not to take advantage of it.

"Pretty angel," Renjun whispered against your mouth. "My pretty angel."

You were practically melting and the only thing holding you together were Renjun's arms.

"For fear of sounding lame, I'm inclined to say your pretty angel's almost as pretty as you. Key word: almost," you giggled, recalling your earliest attempts at flirting with him.

"Lies," Renjun shook his head.

"Hey, it worked the first time!" you pouted.

"It only worked because you're the pretty one," Renjun ruffled your hair playfully.

"Oh my God, shut up," you covered your face to hide how red it was.

"Never."

The End

[hoboal87]

Don’t Speak, Part 2

Title: Don’t Speak, Part 2

Pairings: au!Dark!John x Reader, au!Dark!Sam x Reader, au!Dark!Sam x Reader x au!Dark!Dean, Sam x Dean

Word Count: 2.1k+

Summary: Y/N’s nightmare is only just beginning.

Warnings: Non-Con/Rape, angst, daddy kink, breeding kink, Wincest, forced orgasms, forced voyeurism, forced marriage, forced pregnancy, knife play, breath play, humiliation, hints of Stockholm Syndrome.

A/N: I have embraced the darkness! I’d like to thank @cockslut-padalecki and @negans-lucille-tblr for encouraging me to write outside my comfort zone and the product is this filth.

A/N 2: This is more plot than I intended, but there is plenty of smut! 18+ only

TW: Non-Con/Rape - There is nothing about this that is consensual in any way. Please, READ THE WARNINGS AND DO NOT READ if you feel that it will offend and/or trigger you. Don’t like? Feel free to move along.

No Beta all mistakes are mine. (I still have tense issues, I’m aware.)

My Full Masterlist

Part One

The eldest Winchester wasn't lying, and a small part of you is glad that Sam and Dean had taken you first. John is as long as Sam and as thick as Dean, and every pump of his cock feels like it's splitting you in half. John releases you completely from your bindings and you use what strength you can to fight back against him. You claw at him, but he doesn't stop, if anything, he seems to enjoy the struggle you're putting up.

"That's it darlin’," he whispers, but there’s no sincerity behind his words. “The more you fight, the longer I’m gonna hold off. Maybe let the boys have a go at you again,” he smirks.

He turns your head so that Sam and Dean are back in your line of sight. Neither of them are paying any attention to your or their father, instead, Dean has Sam bent over a chaise, and all you can make out are their grunts as Dean’s hips slam against Sam’s ass.

Your eyes widen in horror at the sight of the brothers, John chuckles, and when you try to turn away, his hand slaps across your face.

“I didn’t tell you that you could look away, did I, darlin’?” He scolds you, pulling his cock out and maneuvering you onto your stomach. “What was that?” He asks, keeping one hand firmly on your face, forcing you to continue watching the brothers.

“N-no,” you squeak as he impales you on his hard cock again.

“No, what, darlin’?” He leans forward, his breath hot on your cheek.

“No, sir.” You whimper, but it was clearly not what John wanted to hear, as his free hand moved around your neck, cutting off your air supply, all the while, you can feel the coil tightening once again. It’s humiliating; how many times you’ve come no matter how hard you fight against your body, the Winchesters are relentlessly ripping orgasm after orgasm out of you. He squeezes tighter, and you wrack your brain trying to think of what he wants to hear.

“D-daddy,” you murmur, your eyes never leaving Sam and Dean. John removes his hands from your face and neck, and instead cages you underneath him.

“That’s right, darlin’, I’m your daddy now,” he licks your ear, and a shiver runs through you. He lifts your hips, and forces you to spread your legs as far as you can. All the while keeping his fast and brutal pace. “Keep watching my boys, see how special their love is.”

Even with your obscured vision, you can see Dean snaking his hand underneath Sam’s hips. Sam lets out low fuck, and from what you saw you earlier you can assume that Dean is stroking his cock.

You don’t move and try not to make any sounds at all. John, like his sons, enjoyed the fight, and you try to save some of your dignity by not giving into them so easily.

Your body goes limp as John continues thrusting, grunting and groaning as you hope he’s nearing his own completion. You close your eyes briefly, but a sharp sting of John’s palm lands on your ass, causes you to open them and focus on the brothers.

“Fuck, Sammy,” Dean groans. His arm moves faster, and Sam whines, arching back, so that he is flush against Dean’s chest. You get a full view of Sam’s cock, covered mostly by Dean’s hand.

“Keep watching,” John orders as his hips begin to stutter.

“Dean,” Sam whines as ropes of cum land on the chaise, and Dean gives a half-dozen thrusts before stilling.

John holds himself deep inside you, seemingly cumming over and over again inside you, and you can feel it leaking out of you when he pulls away. As he did when he first entered the room, he chuckles at the sight, and you feel his fingers brush against your abused pussy.

You fear John will scope up the remnants and force you to swallow his juices as he did before, but instead he pushes them back into your cunt.

“Can’t waste Daddy’s cum, Y/N,” he tsks, “how else are we gonna put a son in you?” John grabs a corner of the silk sheets, and wipes off his cock, his eyes never leaving you as you remain frozen. “Clean her up and dress her,” John orders as he pulls on his trousers, Sam and Dean stepping up behind him. “Our carriage arrives in an hour.”

“Yes, sir,” the brothers answer in unison.

“See if one of the whores downstairs can do something about her face. Don’t want the priest to get the wrong idea,” John lets out a low, breathy chuckle. “And make a decision about which one of you is gonna marry the slut.”

“Sir,” Dean steps forward. “We were thinking–”

“No,” John hisses seemingly knowing what the unasked question is going to be. “The deal was I let you and your brother fuck around, on the condition that one of you gets a wife and produces an heir.” The thought of any of the men putting a child in you makes your stomach turn, and you can’t help but vomit at the thought. None of the Winchesters seem to notice, or if they do, they don’t care.

“A crueler father would’ve found you a bride the minute you were eligible,” John continues, only stopping to give you a momentary glance. “People back home are starting to question why neither of you have married yet. I don’t care which one of you takes the bitch on, or who the child belongs to, one of you is getting married before we leave London. Do I make myself clear?”

“Yes, sir,” Dean answers for both brothers.

John finishes redressing, and stalks away. The brothers share a cursory glance, before moving towards you. You flinch at their touches, even though they are softer and more delicate than before. You curl into yourself, helpless to do anything.

Your wrists are bruised where you were once bound, your pussy throbs from the multiple intrusions, and to your embarrassment, you’re still leaking John’s cum.

Dean disappears for a moment, and you watch as Sam's eyes roam your body, like you're a piece of meat, and he’s as hungry as he was before. You try to cover yourself, not that it really mattered, the brothers had already seen more of you than you had of yourself.

You bring your knees to your chest, and wrap your arms around them, foolishly thinking that it could deter either brother from taking you again.

Dean appears with a modest dress, it wasn’t the one you had worn to the party, but you figured they’d ripped it apart while you were unconscious. Dean hands the dress off to Sam, and instructs him to help you dress while he finds someone to work on the state of your hair and face. Sam huffs at the order, but complies, pulling Dean into a raw and passionate kiss.

Dean mumbles something about later, and leaves you and Sam alone in the strange bedchamber. Sam grabs at your ankles, and though you know you have little to no chance of being able to fight him off, you throw all of your weight into your free leg aiming for his gut.

You feel the sole of your foot connect with his trim and taut stomach, and Sam doubles over. You take the opportunity to make for the doorway, modesty be damned, you needed to get away from the Winchesters before you forcibly married into their family and made nothing more than a broodmare.

Each step you take is like walking on needles, but you push through the pain as best you can, screaming out for help. The door’s nearly within your reach when everything goes black.

You wake up in the restraints again, now with Sam leaning over your body, the silver blade that was once in Dean’s possession now sliding across your chest.

“Bad idea, Y/N,” Sam grumbles, and you pull against your bindings. “Gonna have to teach you a lesson now.” Sam puts more pressure on the blade, enough to draw blood, and most likely scar your body. You wince as he continues, holding back your tears as long as you can, until he begins rutting against you, his cock getting hard through his trousers as he rubs against your naked pussy.

He slides his trousers down, just enough to expose his hardening cock, and you attempt to bring your legs together, trying to do something– anything to keep him from fucking you again. Sam brings the blade to your neck, and he doesn’t need to say anything for you to understand what will happen if you don’t cooperate.

“Lucky you're still filled with my father’s cum,” he says softly, “won’t have to get you ready for me.”

You let out a silent scream as Sam pushes inside. He doesn’t give you any time to adjust, instead, he starts moving in long and hard thrusts, unlike before, where the brothers were getting amusement out of your unwanted arousal, this was Sam’s way of showing you that he was in complete control.

Sam grunts over you, and brings his head down to where he had drawn blood just minutes before, and laps up at the crimson liquid. He places bruising kisses upon your lips, and gnaws at your shoulders, breaking the skin.

“You’ll make such a good wife, Y/N,” he murmurs in your ear, as if you are supposed to take it as a compliment. “Once Dean and I fuck the disobedience out of you, you’ll be perfect,” Sam pants over you, and you swallow thickly at his words. “Can’t wait to see you round with our son.”

Bile fills your throat again at the mention of being forced to carry a child that you do not want. Treacherous tears leave your eyes before you can stop them, and you focus your gaze on the ceiling, hoping and praying that Sam will finish soon.

“Just couldn’t resist taking her again, couldja Sammy?” Dean’s voice fills the bedroom again. “I guess this means she’ll be Mrs. Sam Winchester,” Dean approaches the bed, and sits on the edge.

He watches intently as Sam continues to abuse your cunt before moving behind you. Sam stops as Dean situates himself behind you, propping you against him. The atmosphere changes, and you realize that Sam is no longer the one in charge, Dean is.

“Sammy being good to you, sweetheart?” He murmurs into your ear, and when you don’t respond Dean tuts at Sam. “Let her cum, Sammy.”

“She tried to leave,” Sam argues, and Dean lets his hands roam over your body.

“Leave? Bad idea, sweetheart,” one of Dean’s hands cups your breast, while the other makes it way down your stomach, and reaches your swollen bud.

You moan unwillingly when Dean begins toying with you, building an orgasm, that you hate to admit you want. Sam’s thrusts become more deliberate, now that Dean’s here, Sam seems to want to please him by making you cum on his cock.

You can feel Dean hardening beneath you, but he makes no effort to use you for his own pleasure.

Sam leans over you, and for a moment, you think he might kiss you, but instead, he presses his lips against Deans. Though you’re practically face-to-face, Sam’s focus is no longer on you, but on his brother.

Dean continues to swipe at your bundle of nerves, and when he commands it, you cum hard, coating Sam’s cock with your arousal.

Everything after that is a blur, you remember the brothers dressing you, a woman entering and making you look “presentable,” before quickly leaving. You’re led to a room where John and a priest stand quietly.

You tried to protest, but John explained to the priest that you’d been ill, and that your parents had already given their blessing for you to marry. The priest bought the story, not that it surprised you, a woman’s word held nothing over a man’s.

John reached over to hug you, a seemingly loving gesture to anyone unaware of his true nature. He not-so-subtly reminded you that you no longer were a lady of the court, but you’d be the property of him and his sons. You nod, the only thing you can do, and smile slightly, and whispers of good girl, fill your ears as he places a gentle kiss on your forehead.

A few hours later, you’re boarding a ship bound for America, a trip that would take no less than a month. The Queen must’ve given the Winchesters more money than you could ever imagine, as the four of you were the only passengers. You’re greeted by a dark-haired, blue-eyed man.

“Ma’am,” he bows his head slightly, and whether it be intentional or not, reminds you of your new role.

Mrs. Winchester.

Forever Tags

Part Three

Please, please, let me know what you think via ask or reblog!

@akshi8278

@that-one-gay-girl

@supraveng​

@coldmuffinbanditshoe​

@stiles-stilinski-24-dylan​

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Don’t Speak Tags

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[thran-duils]

I Crave Annihilation (P.2)

Title: I Crave Annihilation (Part Two) Summary:  Fem!Reader x Mafia!Dark Tony Stark. Tony works for the reader’s very influential politician father moving guns and drugs. She starts flirting with him and he is returning the vibes. She moves into her own place out of her parent’s house and texts him to come save her from a house party. Smut ensues. Words: 3,450 Warnings (for the fic in entirety): Smut, HUGE age difference, angst, violence, infidelity, possessive behavior

Part One || Part Three || Masterpost (mobile) || Fanfic masterpost

“Who does this pussy belong to, baby?”

“You, sir!” you keened, your knuckles white grasping your blankets.

Tony slowed before laying a hard smack across your ass, drawing a cry from you. He kneaded at your ass roughly, groaning. You could feel him pulling your cheeks apart as he thrusted, a low hum leaving his mouth. He was definitely relishing in watching his cock moving in and out. He laid another hard smack and you whined for him.

“Such a good girl,” he husked, resuming his brutal pace.

<><><>

Tony left the bedroom, closing the door behind him. He smirked to himself, knowing he had worn Y/N out; she was going to be sore tomorrow. Just like how he liked to leave her so she remembered who she belonged to. Descending the stairs to the ground floor, he stopped seeing two girls sitting on the couch, looking pretty intoxicated, still holding drinks in their hands, Taco Bell wrappers spread out along the coffee table. They had not heard the girls come home; not a surprise considering how loud him and Y/N had been. He surmised they had been there for a while with the food and had been listening to him completely wreck Y/N upstairs.

He threw them a charming smirk and asked, “Roommates?”

“Yeah…” one said slowly, trying to hide the smile on her face. She was looking him over, taking in his tailored pants and pressed dress shirt.

“I wasn’t here. Right?” Tony responded, cocking his head in expectance. They both nodded and Tony winked, and he saw them both turn bashful in a second before he turned, opening the door and walking out.

As soon as he got outside, he pulled his phone out and texted Y/N.

Your roommates are downstairs. You might want to talk to them about keeping their lips sealed.

<><><>

You read the text and your eyes widened. You got dressed quickly and rushed out of your room but stopped at the top of the stairs. What were you going to say? You had been trying to keep this a secret for months.

Moving controlled down the stairs, you came to the bottom and turned to face the couch. They were both looking at you, bursting at the seams. Suddenly, they burst into laughter – the both of them – holding onto each other.

“Y/N! Do you have a sugar daddy?” Mara guffawed. She saw the look on your face, and she leaned forward, waving her hands in surrender. “No, no! I’m not judging! I’m just curious. He’s hot!”

“Oh my god, no wonder you don’t take guys home,” Lisa said. “Holy shit. He could beat the shit out of them if he ever caught you in bed with someone else.”

“How long were you guys here?” you asked uncertainly, worried about how much of it they had actually heard.

“Um… from the first ‘are you a dirty girl?’ I think?” Mara asked, snorting again. “And then every subsequent smack after that. How is your ass?”

“Oh, shut up,” you said as the two of them erupted into giggles again. “You can’t say anything!”

Lisa crowed, “Oh, it’s a secret! Oh okay.”

“I’m fucking serious,” you snapped, much to their amusement. “Now did you leave me any food or what?”

Mara laughed pointing at the bag, “Yeah. And I’m sure you’re absolutely famished.”

<><><>

Where are you?

You looked down at your phone, confusion coming on. You had told Tony what you were doing and where you were at when he had asked about an hour ago.

At the bar I told you.

I know, but where inside.

Are you here?

You know how much I don’t like people answering my questions with another question, baby.

I’m in the back.

Come to the front then.

Well, that answered your question well enough.

You made your way through the crowded back room, through the hall. You looked in the first front room and did not see him anywhere and you went through the doorway to the main front room where the bigger bar was set up. You spotted him and Steve sitting in a booth against the wall. He had told you that Steve was aware of your relationship, which had made you nervous, but Tony seemed to trust him, so you had to trust in that.

Sliding into the booth next to him, you asked, “What’s going on?”

“Figured we would swing by and see if you wanted to go out with us and Steve’s lady for the night.” Steve smirked at the comment. “Exclusive place.”

“You couldn’t have just texted me to get the answer?”

Tony simpered, “I wasn’t really looking to ask.”

Of course not. He was not the asking type.

“When are you going?”

“I’d prefer sooner rather than later. This bar is pretty… college-y.”

“I’m not entirely complaining,” Steve said finally speaking, his eyes wandering around the bar at all the people. His eyes lingered on one in particular and he winked at them, causing them to smile shyly.

“Can I get my drink then? Before we go?” you asked. “I was just about to.”

“If you move, I can go grab it for you,” Tony told you.

You shook your head, and he narrowed his eyes slightly. You quickly explained, “My friend owes me one. I bought the first round.”

“If you insist,” Tony said bringing his glass to his lips.

You tapped his arm before getting up again and walking through the tables to go back to the hall leading back to your table. You walked up to the table and your roommate, Mara, that was out with the small group asked you where your drink was. You eyed the line at the bar back here and frowned at how long it was.

“I’m gonna get but I wanna take that shot,” you said over the music to your friend, Gabriel. “Wanna come back up with me to the front bar? There’s less of a line up there surprisingly than the one back here.”

Mara was eyeing you knowingly, a smug smirk on her lips. You had been seeing Tony now for months since they had caught him leaving. You glared at her, willing her to stay quiet, as you grabbed your purse, and she held back a laugh.

Gabriel followed you up to the front bar and you shot a quick look in the direction of the booth to make sure they were still there. Tony was not looking at you but Steve was. Gabriel was talking to you and drew your attention away, your back to the booth now. The line went quickly and the two of you ordered your shots, took them, and left the glasses on the bar. You gave him a quick hug before parting ways.

Steve was getting up out of the booth, avoiding eye contact as he straightened out his leather jacket.

“I’ll be outside,” he said to Tony more than anything.

Tony finished off his drink and got up as well, his body brushing yours. He was peering down his nose at you and asked, “Anybody I gotta be worried about?”

“What?”

“The guy?” Tony asked.

“Yes, my friend.”

“’Friend’.”

You realized where this conversation was going and you sighed heavily, “Tony, don’t—”

“Don’t what?” he asked, a dangerous tone underlying.

“I promise you I mean it when I say a friend,” you told him, leaning into him. His expression was stern, and you grabbed the lapels of his jacket, to pull yourself closer, and said, “Trust me.”

Tony’s tongue ran across his lower lip and he finally said, “Don’t betray that trust, precious.”

Later outside the high-end club, Tony and you took a break from the atmosphere to mess around in the backseat of his car. Foreheads pressed together as you straddled him, low moans filling the space in the car until the two of you came tumbling down.

Tony pressed his nose at you to get you to move your face and his lips found yours, his hand at the back of your head holding you tight.

“I gotta go on a trip for a week overseas,” he murmured.

“Where?”

His eyes crinkled with a tickled smile, “You really think I can tell you that?”

Shrugging sheepishly, you said, “No, I guess not.”

He pecked your nose, “I’ll be back before you know it. Promise. And I’ll bring you something back.”

That perked you up much to his amusement.

<><><>

You were coming back from the pool house a month later when you saw Tony coming up the path. You faltered in your steps as he advanced. He barely broke stride as he grabbed your arm and began pulling you along with him.

“What are you doing?” you asked him alarmed, stumbling once as you worked to match his stride.

He did not answer.

He was drunk, that was apparent.

You had been out with your mum shopping and she had asked you to take the new towels out to the pool house. Tony was over watching a football game with some of the other men and you noticed he had caught sight of you walking from the hall to the kitchen. You had tried to ignore his stare as you disappeared again, heading out the door. You had turned him down earlier in the week about him coming over and he being his persistent self, had shown up at your place anyway, only to find you gone. He had called you and you had had barely any signal as you told him you were not there, you were up in the mountains with your friends. You had not told him you were going on a trip considering it had been decided on a whim and that had only irked him more. You had not spoken since you had gotten back.

It seemed he did not pick up on the hint to be subtle and let it be until a better time.

“Tony, we can’t—” you tried to plead. You were terrified someone was going to catch you here and he was too gone to either care or think of that. Even if you were in the pool house, someone could have seen you two sneak in.

“Tony, my mum sent me out here to put the towels out here. We had more things to put away inside! She’s gonna wonder where I’m at!”

He was still ignoring you, dragging you and he shoved you inside the bathroom.

“Tony!” you tried again.

“Be quiet!” Tony ordered you, turning you around forcibly. Your hands sprawled on the wall, your ass pressing into his pelvis. His breath was hot on your neck when he said, “You ready to apologize?”

“Apologize—”

“Avoiding me?” he growled.

“I’m not—” you said trying to turn around, but his grip flexed, forcing you to stay as you were.

“Don’t lie to me,” he snapped, hiking your dress up and shoving your thong aside to give him access. “How long have you been back?”

“A day—” you started to say but it was strangled in your throat as he began stroking your nub.

“A whole damn day and no text. No call,” he muttered angrily underneath his breath, working you up to get you ready for him. “Nothing to let me know you were back. That’s fucking naughty of you.” You ground against his fingers, biting your lip, whimpering. Upon hearing your arousal, he sneered, “You’re lucky I’m even taking the time to get you ready at all, precious.”

You felt and heard how wet you were getting – he knew how to play you like a fiddle.

Tony’s fingers disappeared and he kicked one of your legs out to spread you out further for him. Without much warning, he was pressing in roughly, his hands gripping at your hips. You moaned lowly as he stretched you out and let out a sudden cry as he pulled out and slammed back in. His thrusts were causing you to have to press your hands painfully into the wall to keep steady. He was not going easy at all.

One of his hands left your hip to wrap around your throat, holding your head back as he drove himself deeper. Your ass was clapping against his pelvis, mixing with the moans and his lewd taunting.

“You little slut, thinking you could hide from me,” he growled, giving a particularly hard thrust. “I thought I taught you better manners than that!”

“I’m sorry, sir,” you keened.

Tony only stalled to yank you away from the wall and whirl you around to the sink, bending you over it before resuming his brutal pace. Your fingers dug into the countertop, as you begged, “Please, please, please.”

“Please what?” Tony husked, his hips snapping.

He was driving deep, brushing your core with precision and you cried out again.

“Please fuck me, make me cum,” you whined in response, drawing a strangled laugh out of Tony.

“Just can’t fucking help yourself, can you?”

You heard the door open from behind the pair of you and your stomach dropped to your feet.

“What the hell is this?” you heard your mum exclaim.

Tony was out of you in a second, stuffing himself back in his pants. You craned your head around mortified, finding your mum staring at the two of you, disbelief splashed across her face.

Her gaze snapped to Tony, suddenly murderous. She slapped him across the face with all the strength she could muster and shrieked, “You absolute piece of fucking shit! She’s a child!”

Tony looked furious at her laying hands on him.

“Now, Rebecca,” Tony said loudly. She went to hit him again, but he was quick, and he pushed her to the wall as you rushed to push your dress down. He had her pinned there by her collarbone.

“Tony!” you pleaded, coming up towards them but he held his hand out, warning you to stay back.

You stopped, looking between the two of them wildly. Your mother only had eyes for him, trying to pull his hand away with no avail.

“Let me go!” your mum demanded, trying to push his hand away but your mother was a very small woman and Tony was so much larger than her. “Are you insane? Do you know what Damien—”

“Are you? Are you insane?” Tony asked dangerously, their noses brushing. She struggled again but he shoved her back again roughly and she finally stilled, glaring murderously at him. His voice was low, “You don’t want trouble with the mob. Running off and telling your husband is only going to cause that. If he loses his temper, they’ll take my side on this and all the power he’s got is going to be compromised because he’ll lose our support. How do you think you two would fare without that support, hmm?” He was searching your mother’s face, who was silent now. He scoffed when he saw she knew what he was saying was right. He dug his hand in again and she only flinched slightly, “And Y/N’s an adult, not a child, as you just so stupidly said. She can make her own fucking choices.”

“Let. Me. Go,” your mother said, enunciating every word. “I got the message.”

Tony only held on for a few more seconds before he pushed away from her. He tore his eyes away from her before saying to you, “I’ll text you later.”

He left the room, leaving the two of you standing there, staring at each other. The tension in the room could be cut with a knife and you hated the disappointed look on her face. Time seemed to expand into an eternity that the two of you were standing there before she finally spoke.

“How long?” your mother rasped out. You looked at the ground and you felt her gaze boring into you. She demanded louder, “How long, Y/N?”

“Since October,” you said weakly.

“Christ,” she half sobbed. “That’s almost a year, Y/N! What were you thinking?”

You shrugged helplessly, “I… we have a relationship.”

Your mother shook her head and snapped, “You can’t!”

“I love him!”

“Y/N, you don’t know what love is. He’s twice your age! He’s using you!”

“No, he’s not. You don’t know—”

“I know what I know!” your mother exclaimed, causing you to close your mouth. She looked heartbroken, her eyes watering. “I know, Y/N. I know men like him. I’ve dealt with them too! He’s taking your most formative years and weaving himself into them! You can’t let… you can’t let him do that. You can’t build yourself around him.”

“I’m not!”

“I don’t want you to see him.”

“I can make my own choices!” you said firmly.

She scoffed loudly, wiping away tears that had started to fall over. “What would your father think?” Your face screwed up in worry and you started to argue but she cut in forcibly, “I know! I know Y/N! That fucking… bastard is right. I won’t… I can’t say anything.” Her eyes met yours again and she shook her head. “Jesus, Y/N. I can’t look at you right now.”

Jaw clenched, you got the hint and stormed past her to leave and go home, irate and miserable at how the night had turned out.

<><><>

You had still continued to see Tony much to your mother’s disapproval. You meant it when you said you loved him, and you resented your mum telling you that you did not. But after seeing how he had treated her in the pool house, a small part of you was unsure now about the longevity and stability of the relationship. How could you stay together in secret like this forever, especially when he was ready to threaten anyone that tried to separate the two of you?

Unfortunately, you did not get the chance to make the decision for yourself.

“What happened?” you asked concerned, coming up to your mum quickly in their living room. You had come over to have dinner with them, but it did not look like dinner was going to be happening for a while or at all.

Your father was shouting into the phone on the patio, a few of his guys outside with him. There was fury and desperation in the air.

Your mum pulled you aside and said, “Something happened. I mean, obviously. sorry. Um,” she paused, stammering, as your father let out a slew of cuss words. “Um, your dad is trying to get control of the situation. Pull himself clear of it.”

“What situation?”

“There was a… police bust. Some of the men got arrested for… you know, it doesn’t matter what for. But, just let your father do his thing. Stay out of his way. It’s what I’m doing. How about you and me go out and grab food? It’s best for everyone to just let him be.” She paused and then added, “And honestly, this situation is best for you.”

The way she said that…

You knew who had been arrested.

Pulling away from her, you saw her start to say something else, but you turned abruptly, taking off down the hall towards the entrance way where you had left your purse. You dug through it clumsily before getting your phone out and dialing Tony.

His phone went straight to voicemail.

<><><>

~7 years later

You pulled up to your parent’s house seeing the copious amount of cars lined along the driveway. They were having their annual beginning of summer get together and as usual, you were invited as well as your closest friends, so you had people to hang out with. Some of your friends had already arrived, more than comfortable around your parents without you there.

The person that mattered the most to hang out with though was sitting in the passenger seat.

Your husband smiled at you and said, “I am very much ready for your mum’s crab cakes. Well.. you know, Willa’s crab cakes. Your mum just oversees the process.”

You snorted at this and said, “I know you are. And yes that is very true.”

It was hard to try to keep your heartbeat even now that you were here. You were going to have to face him. Tony and the others had just been released days before. You needed to steer clear of him after having ghosted him when he got arrested. You had been young, so young, and he had been sent to a different state for prison. It had been easy to make excuses and your mother had encouraged the excuses.

Your husband would shield you. You would make sure of that.

~~~

Forever tags: @coconutqueen21 @undecidedsworld

[hoseokmylovesworld]

Sway Me More | Mafia!Jungkook (M)

Pairing: Mafia!Jungkook x Assassin!OC  

Part 2: Sway With Me (M) / Part 3: Sway Me Smooth 

Requested: Anonymous:

“ ok i think i got something. i was thinking e2l mafia leader!jk and assassin!oc. they're always competing on killing the same enemies and oc beats kook to it everytime but plot twist he's actually sleeping w oc in secret, his gang doesn't know that she basically does the dirty work for him. maybe a scene where jk is busy in his office and feels something is off and he and oc pull guns on one another but its just a form of power play bc that's their relationship. dirty talk, oral male receiving, reverse cowgirl in his office chair, choking, little bit of degradation bc one of the victims oc had to seduce but kook calls her his little slut bc he's possessive like that and they both just have lots of tattoos and piercings. maybe some light bondage too? he ties her hands and the petname sweetness? i love that shit sm. ok i'm out of ur hair now fksks ”

Genre: Mafia!Jungkook, BTS mafia au, Smut, humor, e2l, angst, pining.

Length: 15,664k Words

Warnings: Strong language, lots of violence, minor deaths, guns, oral sex (male receiving), fingering, unprotected vaginal sex, squirting, overstimulation, orgasm denial, dirty talk, BDSM(?), degradation kink, praise kink, light bondage, choking, breath play, spanking, rough sex (if you couldn’t tell), possessive!jungkook, Mr. and Mrs. Smith vibes.

A/N:

1. Not sure if this counts as a Song Fic, but this ask immediately made me think of Sway With Me by Saweetie and GALAXARA hence the title so that was on repeat haha (Stream Birds of Prey: The Album and Stay Gold for clear skin!!).

2. I didn’t mean to make the OC that crazy she just kinda was. Like honestly I don’t know what happened at the end there. Also, I thought it would be a fun dynamic for them to only refer to each other by last names. (Y/L/N)

3. Shouts out to this anon for being so specific! Writing this fic ruined my search history.

3.b You said a little bit of degradation, but I mighta over did it lol.

4. This is really fucking long. For no reason...I’m not sorry, it’s all worth it in the end. Please leave a comment, let me know what you think

Jungkook sat in the back seat of his black town car parked at the street corner, his eyes never leaving a specific window of the skyscraper adjacent to him. He watched as the piece of shit who meddled with his gang’s last drug deal canoodled with his lady friend in his apartment. Probably a hooker, he thought. This particular criminal to land on the mafia’s hit list, has been known to bring home many a sex worker. 

He took a look at his Rolex and sighed; the man as slowly, but surely losing patience. They’ve been here for a good hour. A hit has never taken this long to complete for Jungkook’s team. He communicated his frustrations to his sniper, Taehyung, who was camped out in the building directly across from the apartments. 

“When the fuck is this bitch gonna leave?” He grumbled through his earwig to his employee and friend. Taehyung laughs tiredly. 

“Yeah, I’m asking myself the same thing. They’re not even fucking, they’ve been talking and kissing for like thirty minutes.” The sniper griped.

Jungkook chuckled, hearing the response in his ear. “Just stay sharp. Or you’re back on cockfight duty.”

Taehyung paused. “You wouldn’t.” 

“Just focus, yeah?” Jungkook said, refocusing his binoculars to check on the couple in the apartment so that he could see them clearly. The bright lights in the room and the lack of curtains or shades helped him out immensely with that.

“Sure thing, boss.” 

Jungkook could barely craft a response due to the shock that took over him at what happened next. He watched as the female sitting to the left of the target with her legs draped over his thighs, pulled a knife, seemingly out of her crotch, and stabbed the white collar criminal in the gut at lightning speed. 

He lurched up in pain and grabbed at the knife only for his date to pull it out and stab him again, making deep eye contact all the while. She was obviously a strong woman to overpower a man of his burley stature. But why would she want to?                                                                                                                                                        

“What the fuck was that?” Jungkook asked immediately, continuing to watch the scene unfold carefully.

“Looks like his date just stabbed him.” Taehyung responded, just as confused as his superior. 

“I can fucking see that, but why the fuck would the hooker kill him?” He raised his voice in annoyance. The murderous hooker finished the job, wiping her fingerprints off of the knife still lodged in the target's stomach and travelled to  a nearby closet. 

Jungkook watched, overcome with awe and confusion, as she returned with a duffle bag. And his jaw literally drops when he sees her pull white coveralls out of the duffle bag, put them on over her clothes and switch off the lights in the apartment, completely blocking Jungkook’s view.

“Fuck, what’s she doing now, Taehyung?” He asked quickly, knowing that the scope on his sniper had night vision. 

“She’s...cleaning the apartment...and the body.” 

So she’s done this before, Jungkook thought pensively.

“Do you recognize her?” He uttered, needing to know more about this woman  immediately.

“Hell no, I would remember this bitch.” The gunman responds instantly.  

“What the fuck is going on?” His boss muttered to himself and Taehyung took the liberty of answering him. 

“She’s leaving.” 

Jungkook cocked his head back in surprise. “Well that was fast.” 

 “You’re telling me...she’s making her way to the street. You want us to go after her?” 

He thinks about it. No harm done, he figured.

“No, leave her be. Less mess for us.” 

“Roger that.” Taehyung nodded and packed his things. Jungkook ordered his driver to take him home and they called it a very eventful day. 

What Jungkook didn’t count on was encountering that same perpetrator again...and again. Ever since he came across this deadly woman the first time, it’s like he can’t escape her now. “The Hooker”, as the mafia were calling her, had killed three more of the names on their hit list of people who had crossed them...directly before Jungkook’s men got the chance to do it themselves. 

And the fact that it didn’t affect the gang took a backseat to the amount of irritation it brought them and Jungkook for their victim to drop dead in front of them at the hands of someone else. It angered Jungkook because he didn’t know who she was or her motives. She was obviously dangerous and stealthy and could be coming for them next for all they knew. He knew he had to catch her and find out what she was about. 

“Alright, guys. You know what to do.” Jungkook huffed to his men through his earpiece as they prepared to ambush a traitor of the gang. He had been on the run recently, selling mafia secrets and tonight the gang would put an end to him and soon, everyone he blabbed to. 

After three days of following leads, they took to tracking and set out after him. Jungkook and his members followed the conspirator from a distance and three different sides in an attempt to corner him in the ominous dark of the night. They were closing in on the ex-gang member consistently and it all seemed to come to fruition when he shuffled into a dark alley. 

This is too easy, the mafia boss thought enthusiastically to himself. Jungkook and six of his men sped up in pursuit, hoping to trap the imbecile before he realized he was a dead end. Finally, the group turned into the alley quickly, expecting to find a young man ready to shit his pants. Instead they found his slumped over corpse that had been propped up against a dumpster. 

Jungkook’s spine straightened in astonishment. They literally just saw him walk into the alley and he just drops dead? Each of the men look around for who could have done this in possibly two minutes flat. The leader draws his gaze to the roof directly in front of him and grinds his teeth in anger at the sight in front of him. The Hooker from weeks ago stood above them with an amused smirk on her face in a black, hooded catsuit. 

“You gotta be fucking kidding me!” He roared.

“Would you clean that up for me? Thanks.” She deflected playfully and took off in the opposite direction, jumping from one rooftop to another.

“Get her.” Jungkook said calmly, still looking at the spot where the woman was previously standing. He’s had enough of this nonsense and he would be getting answers.

The gang moves out immediately, splitting up in search of the murderer. Two of them take the firescape closest to them, while the remaining men circle around the buildings to cut her off eventually. In the meantime, Jungkook calms himself down and examines the body.

“How did she even do this?” He pulled a leather glove from his breast pocket and moved the head of the deceased to the right side, looking him over carefully. He promptly noticed bruising around his neck and blood on the crown of his head.

“She choked you out that fast...without making a sound?” He whispered, completely impressed, but absolutely irritated at the same time. He sighed, at a loss and took it upon himself to actually dispose of the body. He waited in the alley with his arms crossed, thinking of how he wanted to interrogate this possible threat. 

His men communicated to him that the woman had seriously injured Jimin and Suga and that Hoseok and Jin would stay with them, but the good news was that they caught her and were on their way back.

“Wonderful.” He sighed sarcastically into his earpiece. 

After thirty long minutes, Namjoon and Taehyung re-entered the alley, this time carrying their new victim by her arms, her hands restrained behind her back with the rope originally meant for the traitor. She struggled against their hold as they made their way in until she laid eyes on Jungkook. 

She straightened slowly and walked with confidence, studying him thoughtfully as they passed the mafia leader and turned her to face him while forcing her to her knees. She winced slightly as her knee caps came in contact with the hard, wet ground.

The three of them watched carefully as the leader paced back and forth leisurely, his gaze focused on the puddles on the ground with his hand picking at nothing in particular on his lip. His train of thought was disrupted when the voice of the woman echoed through the alley.

“You gonna say something?” She scoffed impatiently. Jungkook turned to her slowly, revealing his dark, disapproving facial expression. He didn’t miss the flash of mischief in her eyes when they finally made eye contact.

“You incopacitated two of my men.” He started, continuing to walk back and forth in front of them with his hands behind his back. 

“They were chasing me.” She shrugged.

Jungkook stopped in his tracks at the negligence of her tone. He turned on his heel to face his suspect with a serious face. “Who are you and why do you keep killing my targets?” he demanded, just wanting to get to the point of why they were here. A humored smile broke out across her face.

“Your targets? Someone’s a little full of themselves.” She giggled innocently.

“Tell me and I won’t take a hammer to both your shoulders.” He said smoothly looking deeply into her eyes making sure he got his point across. 

Her cocky smirk dissipates but doesn't completely disappear. 

“You don’t have a hammer.” she muttered to herself, thinking that the mafia leader couldn’t hear her. He just gave her a pointed look, silently telling her to continue. She licks her lips slowly while holding Jungkook’s stormy gaze. 

“I was paid, you asshole.” She muttered.

“By who?” 

“No one you and your goons need to worry about.” He sighed and looked up in frustration. “Why?” 

The woman shook her head furiously. “Are you daft? It’s my job, obviously.” 

Jungkook whipped his head in her direction, his eyes widening slightly and his voice taking on a more agitated tone. 

“You disrespect me one more time and I’m gonna slap that smug smirk off your face.” He warned her harshly.

“Promises, promises.” She sang with that self-satisfied grin that he was having mixed feelings about. 

With that, Jungkook swifty brought his hand up to backhand the assailant and jumped in her direction, but stopped when his hand was halfway to her face. She didn’t move an inch or even blink. She even narrowed her eyes at him playfully. 

He backed away from her, impressed. She may have earned some of Jungkook’s respect that day, but he would never tell a single soul about it. He composed himself, eyeing her carefully. He then enganges her in a more calm conversation.

“Do you know who I am?” 

“Yes.” 

“Does your employer know who I am?” 

“I have multiple. Some do.” She shrugs coolly. 

“What do they—” 

“Look we know you're in charge of the mafia, or whatever, but we don’t care. The people I’ve killed have wronged more than just you and your circus of idiots here and they deserved to die.” She gestured to the two henchmen holding her in place. 

“Besides I did you a favor. Several, actually. I’m a blessing in disguise.” She smiled sweetly.

Jungkook shakes his head in disagreement. “You’re a fucking pain in my ass is what you are.” 

“Oh, what a pleasure. And how do you figure that?” 

“Some mysterious...aggressor taking out a number of important people on the east side. Wouldn’t that alarm you in my position?” He queried with a raised, pierced brow. 

“Mysterious? Mr. Jeon, do you find me attractive?” She leans forward and is yanked back in place by the men flanking her. She held a suddenly sultry and intense light behind her eyes directed at Jungkook. 

He couldn’t deny her beauty; anything with a pulse would be attracted to her. Seeing her up close, he noticed her many piercings along her ears, on her septum and her left brow, just like his. He could see tattoos peeking out from her sleeves and neckline of her suit and he wondered just how much of her body was covered by tattoos. 

He was trying not to let that get in the way of this interrogation and failing miserably with his mind wandering in dangerous directions. It didn’t help that he couldn’t look her in the eye for too long, her gaze was so captivating and somehow held so many emotions that they caused him to lose focus. 

He regarded her thoughtfully for a moment before asking, “What is your name?” 

“Deathstalker.” Wow, Jungkook thought to himself. 

“You wanna tell me your real name?” He offered, nodding at her.

“That’s the only name you're gonna get. And just a heads up, I’m not gonna talk if you torture me.” She says confidently with hooded lids. Is she bored?, the mob boss thought. He began to pace for a few moments, the only sound in the alley coming from his designer shoes squelching against the damp concrete.

“No...no, we’re not gonna hurt you.” Jungkook decided. The two henchmen that were restraining the woman, looked up in shock. Jungkook has injured or killed people for far less than what she’s done in the past hour. 

She tilts her head uncomfortably in the hold of the gang members, to get a good look at the mafia leader’s face. She gasps and beams as if she’s had an epiphany. 

“You like me.” She settled. 

He whips around to face her. “What are you on about?” 

“I thought I was gonna have to seduce you to get you off my back, but it seems you already have a soft spot for me.” She deduced with an appeased grin on her face. 

Jungkook’s breathing deepened. He thought quickly of what he could do to draw the attention away from the truth of her statement. He didn’t know what it was about her, but she was different from any of the other suspicious characters he’s interrogated. And for some reason he didn’t want to hurt her, but he couldn’t be seen as weak in front of his inferiors. 

In a flash, he was directly in front of her, teeth clenched and gripping her face tightly in his strong hand. His fingers pressed roughly into her jaw, her cheeks were forced to scrunch up, obscuring her vision and her mouth was bound to a permanent, painful pout. 

“Stop spewing nonsense, I wouldn’t sleep with you if you were the last woman on earth. You’re too dirty.” He lied gratingly. “I don’t have soft spots for anyone and you would do well to learn that. Come into my sight again and you’ll see what kind of damage I can really do.” He seethed. 

“Hot.” Deathstalker replied through forcibly clenched teeth. Jungkook sighed before flimsily releasing her chin, flinging it to the right causing her to wince. Jungkook inwardly did the same at the sight. 

“Let her go.” The henchmen do as they are told. “Get out of my sight.” She got up off her knees awkwardly with her bound wrists.

“I’m sure you know how to get rid of that yourself.” Jungkook nodded at the rope around her wrists. She nodded back casually and walked passed Jungkook, brushing up against him as she did so. 

“Catch you on the flip side.” She whispered to him before she took off in a run into the night.

Three weeks had passed without a surprise appearance from “Deathstalker” and Jungkook was beginning to think she had actually heeded his warning in the alley. He should be pleased with this fact, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. 

Not only was the thought of her ingrained in his mind, but he was slowly convincing himself that maybe he did appreciate her services even if he wasn’t the one paying for them. His men seem to have gotten lazier with the physical side of organized crime since Jungkook’s encounter with Deathstalker. 

Or perhaps with no one to properly clean up the mess left after a hit, he’s noticing just how sloppy they’ve been. Either way, people are talking and names are traveling through the air like pollution; they can’t go on like this. 

He and his men have been actively searching for the assassin and any information they could find on her. The leader didn’t disclose his true motives to his foot soldiers for fear of looking weak, but he couldn’t have the feds knocking down the doors of his companies and he was desperate. They succeeded in finding her real name, her past hits and the names of some of her employers, but nothing on where she was hiding or how to contact her. 

Jungkook curses himself for not realizing Deathstalker’s worth sooner and tries to calm his rampant mind by chugging his flute of champagne. He looks around, disinterested at the ostentatious group of people at the pompous event he was advised to attend. 

As the head of the leading construction company on the east side and since no one suspected his night job, he showed his face in these environments from time to time. This one happens to be an art auction and Jungkook was regretting it by the minute. 

He quickly snagged one more flute of champagne before taking his seat in the front row for the auction. Half-way through the auction he considers leaving, he hasn’t raised his number card once as none of the pieces appealed to him. His head began to lull back out of pure boredom before he heard an all-too familiar voice above the noise. 

“Two million dollars!” The voice was forthright and attractive, causing every head to turn in it’s direction. 

Jungkook didn’t have to look far as the owner of the voice was sitting in the front row as well, roughly twelve seats away. His eyes widened at his suspicions being proven correct. He stares at her for a few moments, taking in her full appearance since meeting her for the first time in the alley. 

She traded in the black cat suit for a peach colored cocktail dress that hung off of one shoulder and blinding white pumps. She covered up her tattoos with makeup to Jungkook’s dismay, but still showed off her many piercings and her long wavy hair was pulled back into a sleek ponytail. That’s a good look, thought Jungkook who spared her one last glance before settling into his seat and devising a plan for how the rest of the night will go. 

The auction finally came to an end and the elites took to day drinking and networking once more. Jungkook blended in with the crowd, but kept a close eye on Deathstalker, waiting to find her away from her companions. He spotted her amongst strangers, nursing a glass of champagne and intently watching the middle aged crooner sing along with the orchestra.

When Marimba Rhythms start to play

Dance with me 

Make me sway

Then he pounced.

He positioned himself behind her and leaned in to speak softly into her ear. “What are you doing here?” 

She didn’t flinch or even react to his words, as if she knew he was there, and just continued to enjoy the music. She never failed to impress him.

“Well, killing all your targets actually counts for something. I’m spending my hard earned money on some fine art.” She smiled after a moment. Jungkook came to stand next to her instead. He took a swig from his drink, the two of them still not making eye contact. “You know it’s not polite to brag.” 

She finally turns to him to show off her expensive outfit. “Does this dress scream humble to you?” 

“No, but it does scream desperate.” He took her in, using it as an excuse to check her out. That cat suit didn’t do her legs justice in his opinion, but this ensemble has his approval. 

“For what?” She demanded, cocking her head to the side. 

“You tell me—” 

“You’re full of shit, Jeon.” The assassin sneered and quickly turned to walk away. Jungkook catches her by the bicep at the last second, attempting to make it look playful and desperately trying to avoid any unwanted attention.

“Wait.” He smoothly but firmly pulled her back to him, guiding her left hand to his shoulder and holding onto her right one before leading her in a slow dance towards the dance floor. He told himself he needed a more discreet position to confide his intentions in her ear again. 

Like a lazy ocean hugs the shore

Hold me close

Sway me more

“I have a proposition for you.” 

She glances up at him, sporting narrowed and curious eyes. “Oh? This should be good. Last time you saw me, you threatened to hammer my limbs in.” She swiftly stomped on his foot, with a tight-lipped, spiteful smile. 

He groaned and gathered himself with closed eyes before getting down to business. “Drop the attitude Y/L/N.” Jungkook grumbled, causing the assassin to freeze, but he made sure to keep them moving. She switches from her normal playful demeanor to a more formidable version of herself and he is almost alarmed by the switch. She leans closer to him to reach his ear and drops her voice to a grave whisper.

“How did you know my last—” 

Jungkook doesn’t back down from her close, menacing form and goes as far as to tease her with a satisfied smirk. “Hate to break it to you, but you’re not the only computer genius in this room okay?”

She only glares off into the distance, clenching her jaw. 

“What?” Jungkook revels in the feeling of having the upper hand on her. “My men may not be able to catch you in action, but they do know their way around a file cabinet.” He shares proudly, biting his lip with joy.

Realizing the leverage he had over her, Y/N made the decision to hear him out. “What the fuck do you want?” She spat before Jungkook spun her and dipped her quickly. And though she was angry, she moved with grace and he couldn’t help, but admire her beauty. 

Like a flower bending in the breeze

Bend with me, sway with ease

“You.” He smirks, already missing her playful personality and hoping to bring it back out. He smiles wider when he succeeds.

She finally cracks a smile and throws her head back, unable to stop herself from laughing. “That’s funny, I thought you wouldn’t fuck me if I were the last woman on earth.” She threw his line back at him effortlessly.

The mob boss hesitates for a split second. “Okay, your memory is impeccable, I get it, but I’m talking about your services.” 

Y/N blinks in bewilderment before forming the words she never thought she would. “You want me to work for you?” He nods evenly.

“I’ve already killed five targets for you, Jeon. What more could you want?” She sputtered, not being able to fathom the request. Jungkook only releases her hand, keeping the other wrapped around her waist and nods to the empty balcony of the ballroom before leading her through it’s floor length glass doors. 

“Trust me, I’m well aware. It was insanely fucking annoying,” He said earnestly, making the assassin giggle. His heart seemed to lurch at the sound, but he ignored the pleasant pang in his chest to continue his proposal. “Until I noticed how well you clean up after yourself. Leaving almost no trace of your involvement at the crime scene.” 

He released Y/N’s waist carefully close to the door of the balcony, peering into the room to see who might be looking at them. They seemed to have a bit of privacy as of right now.

Y/N tilted her head and raised her eyebrows sincerely. “Are you really shocked that the neanderthals you hired aren’t too keen on cleaning up after themselves?” 

 “I’m trying to compliment you.” He sighed looking up.

 “You’re doing a pretty shit job.” She mumbled. He ignores her complaints and carries on. He tucks his hands into his pants pockets and walks towards her.

“My men haven’t been as stealthy as possible as of late and there’s talk that we may have caught the attention of the authorities.” 

“Again, are you surprised?” She overannunicated sassily with her arms crossed.

He marched up to her, towering over her small frame intimidatingly. “Don’t push it, Deathstalker.” He sneered at her. Her snark was beginning to piss him off. Why was he always so hot and cold with her?

“Or what?” She said seductively, suddenly snaking her arm around his torso and pressing herself against him. She gazed up at him, with flirtatious eyes

Jungkook bit the inside of his cheek, gazing back down at the woman coolly. He considers feeding into her words and actions for a second, but figures it’s probably just one of her games so he tosses the idea. “I’m trying to make you an offer here.” He insisted. The mercenary sucks her teeth, lets go and turns to walk away. “Ugh you’re no fun...You couldn’t handle me anyway.”

The one time he tried to be professional. He pulls her back by the arm, forcefully pressing her into the stone wall next to the door of the balcony. He presses himself against her firmly while gripping her small waist with one hand and her chin with the other. 

"Fine,” He challenged. “Is this what you want? You want me to fuck you right here, up against this wall, like a little slut?" He spoke in a low voice so as not to concern the guests inside and the rumble of Jungkook’s voice in his chest made Y/N’s body start to heat up.  

His offer brings a genuine, delighted smile to her face. She tosses the idea around in her head while making heated eye contact with Jungkook. But that would never work, she thought bitterly. Her date would come looking for her soon. Not a good look when you're trying to bag a guy and rob him for his millions. So she decided to tease him instead, It was the perfect opportunity with him being all riled up like this. 

"I knew you liked me…” She let her sultry yet snide words linger, toying with the fabric of his collar. “But that would be unprofessional, Mr. Jeon...seeing as you are now my boss." she uttered softly, still keeping her seductive gaze. Jungkook briefly wonders if she could feel his dick twitch when she said his name like that before refocusing on the situation.

When we dance you have a way with me

Stay with me, sway with me

He took the sudden change of pace and her choice of words as her officially accepting his offer and released his hold on her with a grimace. She walks by him, smoothing down her dress with an unfazed expression and heads to the railing to take in the view, as if she wasn’t just assaulted by one of the most important men in the country. 

“So you’ll do it?” 

She kept her back to him, letting her heavy voice travel over her shoulder casually. “How much will you give me?” 

He joins her side, resting his hands on the railing. “Eight hundred, thousand.” 

She whips her head in his direction, an obviously offended expression on her face. “Do I look like one of your minions?” Y/N inquired. 

“It would be your first job with me, you gotta start somewhere.” He made a gesture with his hand, trying to reason with her.

“I started years ago and I’m good at my job. The best actually…I want a million.” She decided with a hand on her waist. 

Jungkook blinked repeatedly, taken aback. “You want me to give you a million dollars?”

“Yes, or no deal.” She answered quickly before he could even finish the question. The mafioso took a step back and laughed silently in disbelief. 

“You’re infuriating, you know tha—” 

“And you make me wanna vomit.” 

“You’re projecting.” 

“Oh, suck a dick Jeon!” She began marching towards the glass doors into the ballroom before Jungkook caught her by the arm and brought her back to him swiftly. 

“Fine, it’s yours.” He muttered, glaring down at her with frustrated eyes. 

The woman simply winked playfully at him and caressed his face. “I knew you’d come around.” She beamed looking satisfied and walked away only to be yanked back to Jungkook’s chest yet again. This time she grumbled in slight annoyance. He made a note to let up on the pulling. 

“If you cross me, we will kill you.” He said seriously. She only smiled as if he’d made a joke. 

“Unless I beat you to that too.” His face turned angry and he opened his mouth to speak when they heard the glass door open and a voice call toY/N. 

“Oh, Ruby, there you are. Is this guy bothering you?” An older gentleman in a suit and a gold chain spoke in a scraggly voice. Jungkook recognized him as Walter Schillings, a white collar criminal who has been giving Jungkook’s men a hard time and definitely landed himself on their hitist. 

Thankfully, the scum has never actually seen the mafia leader before so they were able to avoid a tricky situation at this crowded event. Though Jungkook had men scattered throughout the building in case anything went down, he never travelled alone. But, wait. Why was he referring to Y/N as Ruby?

The mafia leader had no time to figure it out because he had to explain why he was gripping this innocent looking woman the way he was. He lets go immediately and addresses the man. “We were just having a convers—” 

“No,” Y/N sighs and saunters over to Walter, grabbing his huge hand and having it encompass her small one. 

What the fuck is this? Jungkook thought, his heart suddenly racing. He tried to hide his emotions behind a cold demeanor. 

“Just some loser trying to get my attention.” She glanced back at Jungkook arrogantly, allowing Walter to slide an arm around her waist and kiss the side of her forehead as they re-entered the ballroom. 

Jungkook ground his teeth together at the sight and nearly sprinted to Walter to tear his arm off when he saw his hand reach down and grip Y/N’s ass. It bothered him even more that she hadn’t reacted whatsoever. 

He turned away and braced himself on the railing again, attempting to calm himself. “I hope she slits your goddamn throat, motherfucker.” He grumbled to himself, seething with anger. 

Jungkook spent the next fifteen minutes pouting on the balcony, gripping the railing in anger with a bothersome boner while the rich and famous boozed it up inside. Surprisingly no one had come out to bother him, giving him enough to time think about what he just saw. 

He didn’t know why the sight of Y/N with Walter infuriated him so, but he knew he never wanted to see it again. He wondered how she could flirt with him so heavily and then disregard him completely at the drop of a hat. He just wanted to make her eat her petty words, drive her as crazy as she seemed to be driving him. 

It didn’t help that he had been having fantasies of her for the past few weeks in that catsuit just letting him have his way with her. And here she comes, looking like sex on legs and clouding his judgement after disappearing for three weeks. Just who does she think she is? Jungkook sighed frustratedly at the pitiful turn his night had taken. 

He wished he had a distraction from his thoughts. He wished he could leave this vexatious place, but something was keeping him here and he had a feeling that, that something was a menace in a dress and liked to play mind games. 

Okay, so, the boner that won’t seem to go away may also be responsible for keeping him isolated on this balcony, but he had every intention of taking care of it. He just had to convince Y/N.

He quickly tucked his boner into his waistband and walked back into the ballroom like he never left, eyes peeled for Y/N’s small form among the guests. He sees her enter the restroom from afar and doesn’t think before pursuing her. 

On any other day Jungkook wouldn’t dream of executing what was going on in his head, but Y/N was admittedly the most breathtaking thing he’d ever seen and she caused him to think purely with his dick after their interaction today. 

He doesn’t know how he managed to skip into the women’s restroom without setting off any of the guests, but he considers it a victory when he’s in and locks the door without thinking about it. He turned to find Y/N touching up her make-up at the large mirror above the sinks. 

They make eye contact through the mirror, but they have yet to exchange words. Y/N narrows her eyes questioningly while Jungkook considers the silence and stillness in the room. So far so good. 

Jungkook’s shoes clicked on the tile floor as he took a few steps away from the door. “Where did your date go?” He questioned casually.

Y/N finally pauses touching up her face. “He also went to the bathroom, what are you doing in here?” She answers speedily, watching him intently through the mirror. “We made our deal.” 

“I came to see you…” The woman hums in understanding and starts on her lipstick again, seemingly uninterested. “You getting all dolled up for him?” Jungkook finishes.

“Essentially yes.” There is a pause before Jungkook just comes out with it. 

“So you gonna sleep with him tonight?” 

Deathstalker scoffed. “Of course not. I’m an assassin not a hooker.” 

Jungkook muffles a laugh at the inside joke amongst him and his men when his new ally finally starts to show some interest. “Why do you care anyway?” 

He walks up to her boldly, gripping her waist and pressing against her from behind causing her to put the make-up down and zero in on his face. She continued to watch his eyes when he leaned down to whisper in her ear.

“I just wonder what he would say if I messed up this pretty little face.” He brings his hand up to gently grip her chin, unlike how he did earlier. She smiles slightly, making no attempt to free herself from his grasp. If anything she leans more into his touch.

“Mr. Jeon.” She drawled. “Are you still threatening me?” She bats her eyelashes coyly, knowing exactly what was going on. Jungkook has no idea why that innocent look and the words ‘Mr. Jeon’ falling from her mouth made him hard, but he continually needed more of it. He shuddered lightly at the name and her sweet, sweet voice, barely managing to keep his cool.

“Not in the painful way...unless you like that.” He rasped, brushing her lip with his thumb tenderly. She held back a moan and Jungkook took that as an invitation to take it a step further. 

“Do you want me?” He breathed deeply in her ear, sending chills down her spine.

She licked her lips and smiled her signature seductive smile. Jungkook was no match for both her smile and her beautiful doe-eyes. “Oh, Mr. Jeon, you know my pride won’t let me answer that.” 

“Cut the games Y/L/N. I’ve had enough of your shit today. Do you want me?” He repeats. He fully pressed his body into hers allowing her to feel the need that he had been accumulating out on the balcony, his breathing getting heavier. She returned the gesture, pushing back against him discreetly. 

“I thought we agreed that you would just be my boss.” She said with wide, naive eyes, though Jungkook knew better. 

“Well, then, as your boss I hope you would do as I ask and let me fuck you on this sink.” He let his fingers travel from her chin to her throat and let them wrap around her neck ever so gently, giving her just a taste of what was to come. He felt her swallow thickly and watched the innocent look in her eyes turn to primal lust. “So? You wanna see if I can handle you or not?” He whispered, touching his lips to her ear.

She shivered at the touch and quickly turned around to face him. Jungkook leaned in and they were nose to nose. She wrapped her arms around his neck, but their lips barely brushed when she backed away suddenly. He looked into her stern eyes confusedly. “This means nothing.” She said, making sure they were both on the same page. “I’m aware.” he responded before they both pounced at each other, teeth clacking and tongues swirling.

Y/N moaned in delight when Jungkook gripped the back of her thighs and sat her on the granite sink counter with a quickness. He forced her skirt up to her hips roughly so he could properly grind his crotch against her and she seemed to enjoy the rough handling. He made a note of that. 

His hands were everywhere on her, massaging her breasts, squeezing her hips and ass, eager to finally be living his most recent fantasies. Y/N revelled in the attention with a smile on her face, hands playing freely in his silky hair whilst he kissed along her neck. 

He quickly reached down between Y/N’s legs to find that she wasn’t wearing any underwear. He leans back and their heated gazes meet. “You dirty little slut.” He noted, gruffly. “You like it.” She confidently reassured him. “You’re damn right, I like it.” He mumbled as he attached his lips firmly to hers and applied pressure, rubbing her swollen clit with his fingers. “...Mmm, God, you’re so wet.”

The assassin’s body jerked several times and she moaned into his mouth, grinding further into his touch. She separated from him when she couldn’t take anymore and stared deeply into his eyes. “Please,” she pauses to catch her breath. “Please fuck me, Mr. Jeon.” 

Jungkook unzipped his pants before she could even finish her sentence, preparing a condom that he is thanking God he brought with him today. “I like when you say my name like that.” He whispered against her ear.

“I know, your dick told me. Now, hurry before someone breaks the door down.” Jungkook then slides into her easily. Y/N sighs in ecstasy while Jungkook is stunned into silence at the way she gripped his dick. He starts to move almost immediately, holding her in place as he snaps his hips into her, their lips sloppily tangled all the while. The sound of their moans began to bounce off of the tile walls of the bathroom, both of them throwing any cares they had for being discreet out the window.

Jungkook grunted with excitement and pleasure at the sight in front of him. He was watching her moaning form closely, memorizing every detail of her incase he never got this chance again.

“Fuck yes. Your dick feels so fucking good inside me.” She panted, focused on his wide, intense eyes. “Just keep fucking me like that, Mr. Jeon.” He released a satisfied growl at the name.  

Even though he had only met her weeks ago, Jungkook never would have guessed that Y/N would be the type to beg for anything. But here she was under him, at his mercy just like in his dreams, begging for him. It occurred to him that the Deathstalker he met would never admit to or do any of this, but Y/N seemed to be living for it. The idea excited him so much that he didn’t know up from down and didn’t bother to control any nonsense that spewed from his mouth in response to her. 

“You look like a dirty little slut under me right now. Letting me fuck you in the bathroom while your date’s probably outside waiting or you.” He whispered harshly in her ear, never letting up as he continues to thrust in and out of her swiftly. 

Y/N threw her head back and moaned, feeling nothing but turned on by his comments. “Oh, fuck yes..” She murmured, letting herself be carried away with pleasure. 

“Not wearing any panties for him, letting him touch all over you, ugh...but I’m the one who gets to have this sweet pussy by the end of the night.” He breathed heavily, not taking his eyes off of Y/N’s face that was contorted in pure bliss. “Flirting with both of us all night long, making us want you. You’re such a bad girl.”

“I am, I’m a bad girl.” She whimpered hurriedly. “I need to be punished, Mr. Jeon.” She finished, her words not completely registering in her drunken state, but they resonated with Jungkook all too well. He forced himself to slow his thrusts considerably and focus on his breathing much to Y/N’s dismay.

She leans back into him and rests her forehead on his, running her fingers through his hair and grinding on him desperately. “No, no, no, no, no, no. Why did you stop?” Her low, lusty voice implored. 

Jungkook chuckles lightly. “You’re gonna make me cum sweetheart.” She pulled his hips into her helping him find a new rhythm. “Then by all means, do, Mr. Jeon. I want you to cum inside me.” She purred before kissing him softly. 

That set something off in him causing him to pound into her once more. Y/N was thrown back by the force, unable to hold her upper body up any longer. She rested her elbows on the counter and tilted her head all the way back while Jungkook thrusted away into her. 

He saw her face in the mirror and appreciated that he got the watch the pleasure they were experiencing together until he noticed her eyes were closed. 

He realised he didn’t wanna cum this way. He pulled out of her, ignoring her cries of disapproval, turned her around and roughly bent her over the counter. 

“Oh, baby, you gotta see this.” He rasped before sliding into her again and instantly started fucking into her wildly. Y/N yelped before biting her knuckle in order to keep quiet. “Oh my god, yes, fuck me!”

Jungkook grabbed her ponytail and dragged her up off the counter and into his chest so that he could whisper in her ear. She winced, but let him wrap her hair around his fist and pull harder, the back of her head totally resting on his shoulder. 

She could see him behind her, relentlessly hammering into her greedy body in all his glory. Maybe she misjudged him. The sight turned her on even more, sending another rush of wetness between her thighs. 

“You’d better keep it down princess. Wouldn’t want your date to think his girl was in here getting railed like a slut. Oh, wait.” Y/N wanted to laugh, but Jungkook released her hip to wrap his large hand around the base of her neck and firmly squeezed. 

Her eyes immediately rolled back at the gesture, but she made sure to refocus on the mirror as Jungkook was watching closely. The pressure was building in her core more and more. She was gonna fall over the edge any second now, she was so close.

“Oh m-ffffuck, yes! You’re gonna make me cum, Mr. Jeon.” She whined through clenched teeth, looking into his piercing eyes through the mirror. 

“Then fucking cum for me.” His deep voice grated in her ear. 

“Harder! Choke me harder!” Y/N pleaded as her orgasm crashed right into her. He squeezed tighter at just the right time and with just the right pressure that had Y/N seeing stars and prolonging her high. Jungkook held off his own orgasm, trying not to think about her velvety walls pulsating around him, so that he could watch Y/N fully enjoy hers. And boy was it something to watch. 

Her jaw dropped and stilled as her eyes rolled into her head, but it was the most beautiful thing Jungkook had ever seen. Her body was frozen in a perfect arch as he thrusted away into her and her hand firmly cradled his head so that their cheeks were pressed together. He would hold out for as long as he could as she rode her high completely if only to watch her like this for a little longer.

Eventually she tapped Jungkook's hand causing him to let go of her neck and she collapsed onto the counter breathlessly. “Holy fuck.” She gasped as she braced herself on the granite surface. 

She coughed a bit and caught her breath and then looked up at Jungkook with fucked out, voracious eyes. He never took his eyes off of her and never stopped pumping his dick into her delicious cunt. 

“You gonna cum for your little cock slut, Mr. Jeon?” Y/N croaked, throat sore from being choked. But every word sounded like music to Jungkook’s ears. That look on her face made him wanna blow his load on the spot. “Yeah, baby.” Is all he can offer as his hips break their rhythm without his permission.

“Please, cum inside me.” She moaned out as Jungkook emptied himself into the condom, hips sputtering near the end until they stopped with his dick still deep inside of her. He was in his own head, lost in a post-coital stupor, thinking about how that may have been the best orgasm he’s ever had when Y/N spoke up.

“You can get out of me now.” She said flatly, thrusting Jungkook back into the real world. He murmured an apology and withdrew himself from her, watching her walk casually into one of the stalls without a word or a look in his direction. 

He just stood there with his cock out wondering what the hell just happened. He thought they made a connection. He agreed that it wouldn’t mean anything, but was she really that cold hearted to just ignore him after a passionate experience like that? Well, she is a mercenary, his conscience defended, they’re not meant to be caring. 

As he heard the stall start to open up he quickly turned around, discarded the condom and tucked himself back into his pants. He then watched as she came back out looking more put together than before. 

She washed her hands and began to touch up her appearance again. This time she actually needed it. The foundation on her neck was rubbed off by his fingers, revealing the tattoos that Jungkook missed,  her lipstick was smeared and her high ponytail drooped due to the pulling. Awkward silence took over the spacious restroom. Is she really not going to say anything?

He decided to just come out with it. “What was that?” 

“What are you talking about?” She requested, haphazardly while fixing her hair in the mirror.

“Well, you were just all over me and now you’re acting like I don’t exist.” He said plainly.

“It’s called sex, you don’t fuck like a virgin so I assume you know what I’m talking about. Besides, I’m not acting like anything.” Jungkook had a hard time believing that. He knew what deflecting looked like, had seen it in many interrogations. 

“Then why won't you look at me?” He challenged.

Her eyes widened in annoyance as she reached around to place another bobby pin in her hair. “I’m kinda busy here, Jeon.” 

He couldn’t help, but feel bothered that she dropped the sassy formality of calling him Mr., an indication that she was enjoying his company. “Look, will you just talk to me for a sec—”

She suddenly stops what she’s doing. Her breathing is long and deep before she calms down and begins speaking smoothly with her eyes closed. “Look, Jeon. We don’t know each other and I don't know what you think you know about me or what you made up in your head, but you might as well forget all of that ‘cause it’s not real.” She sighed, continuing to recover her foundation.

“That wasn’t real?” He finally commanded. He hated to admit it, but he was slightly bothered when she didn’t even offer him a glance. “That?” She responded, only interested in her reflection.

“That,” He clarified, gesturing to the counter sternly. “What we just did, what we...said.” He gulped nervously. This wasn’t like him, he didn’t get nervous or have passionate sex with strangers and let it effect him. This is only his second time meeting this woman and he let her get in his head. He’s been asking himself the same question since meeting her in the alley: what makes her so different?

She put down her foundation and just stared at it blankly. “And what part of what we said are you confused about, pray tell.”

“Um, ‘I need to be punished, Mr. Jeon.’” He quoted promptly. 

Honestly the only thing he was confused about was why she was suddenly being so cold to him. All of the words they shared were noteworthy and he wanted her to acknowledge that. The whole experience still shocked Jungkook and he never dreamed it would actually happen. He just brought up a snippet that he thought might get her attention and maybe evoke some emotion finally. He chose wisely.

Her head whipped in his direction. “And you liked it, didn’t you?” She sneered. “Or perhaps we could talk about how you like to call women, sluts, hm?” 

“I thought you liked it,” He tried to get in, but she wasn’t having it.

Jungkook thought her angry face looked nothing like it did five minutes ago or even out on the balcony. She suddenly let out a bitter laugh and Jungkook realized that this woman probably wears many faces. Perhaps to defend herself. Perhaps to survive. Maybe he misjudged her. 

“You know, I didn’t take you for a person who throws things that people say during sex back in their face.” She accused, sporting a dark smile.

“Well, I’m sorry, but I didn’t take you for a...a—”

“A submissive?” She shot, putting an end to his stuttering. He deflated, all signs of anger or disapproval gone from his stance. “Yes.” He copped out, not knowing what else to say. “I just wasn’t expecting that.” 

Y/N visibly calmed down as well, turning back to the mirror and continuing her work. “Are you surprised?” She muttered, raising her eyebrows. 

Jungkook thought for a second before responding, evenly: “No.” Thinking about how much Y/N might have gone through to be so successful as a trained killer, she must have had to be the strongest and smartest person in the room on any given day. There had to be a time where she wanted to take a break, not be the person in charge for once. Jungkook could relate. 

His response made her pause, but she only cleared her throat and continued applying foundation in silence. I can’t leave things like this, Jungkook decided. He just got an actual glimpse into her personality and not the same act she puts on for the rest of the world. He found out that they might even have some things in common. He didn’t want her to shut him out now. It may have been a moment of weakness for both of them, but he wanted to continue this.

“I could, you know, help...punish you, i-if you want.” He spluttered with his hands in his pockets, trying to make himself look as confident as possible since his voice had already betrayed him. 

Y/N stills and turns to him with a confounded expression, but didn’t say anything.

“I mean, unless you already have a…” Jungkook left out the last word for her to hopefully pick up on, suddenly shy about the world of BDSM. 

“No, I don’t.” She rushed out, looking down at the counter and creating an awkward silence between them. “I’ll think about it.” She added genuinely. She looked at him over her shoulder and offered a gentle nod, her expression completely blank. 

Jungkook nods back in acknowledgement. “Okay, then.”

“Now get out of here, I’m sure there are ladies that need this restroom.” She pulled on her signature playful smirk, nearly giving Jungkook whiplash. Many faces indeed.

“Yeah, okay.” He gathered himself and walked towards the door, but turned back when he realized something. “Wait, how do I contact you for the job?”

“I’ll call you, now go.” She said packing up her stuff. 

Jungkook nodded, unlocked the door and quickly darted out of the bathroom. As he sped by he saw Walter down the hall posted in front of the men’s room patiently waiting for his date. Thankfully his head was turned when Jungkook made his way out of there and to the exit. He smirked wickedly, knowing he got away with his ridiculous plan. “Dumbass.”

Two weeks had gone by since the bathroom incident and Jungkook worked tirelessly to distract himself from thoughts of the beautiful assassin to no avail. He realized there was no escaping her. He thought their rendezvous at the auction would help get her out of his system, but it only fueled his addiction for her and now he was trapped in a vicious cycle that he didn’t know if he wanted out of. 

They kept in contact and Deathstalker killed the enemies on Jungkook’s hit list, but this time she was being paid by the mafioso himself unbeknownst to his men. They found themselves in situations much like the first time they ran into Deathstalker more often than not. Only now she had to be more creative as Jungkook’s foot soldiers still thought she was a possible threat.

As Jungkook sat across from Collin Boardly, a corrupt CEO/gang leader, he wondered if this would be one of those situations. Boardly is a fellow criminal that Jungkook was on good terms with until he heard that Boardly’s men have been attacking and blackmailing store owners in his territory. Jungkook insisted that he pay those victims back and restore all damages. He even invited Mr. Boardly to a very private game of poker so that they could properly discuss matters. 

They sat in the dimly lit restaurant owned by one of Jungkook’s close friends with their respective security surrounding them. Boardly felt obligated to bring his men as he offended Jungkook and now he was on his turf. Jungkook’s men insisted on backing him up, but he had a strong feeling that none of that would be necessary. 

They had already made small talk while getting the game started and Jungkook got straight to business. 

“So, I hear you’ve been terrorizing my streets. What’s the story there?” Jungkook inquired calmly. Boardly huffed a nervous laugh at the mention of what his men did. “Personally I think terrorizing might be too strong a word.”

Jungkook’s brows raised and his expression turned serious. “Well, what would you call threatening multiple lives at gunpoint, roughin’ ‘em up and demanding cuts of their earnings then? Business?” He denounced. 

“As usual.” Boardly finished the adage with a large smile. Jungkook only looked at him with the same no nonsense expression and Boardly seemed to regret making the remark.

“Just a joke, Jungkook.” He muttered. “I am sorry that I allowed my guys to do that.” He doubled down. “We simply didn’t know how far your territory reached. We meant no disrespect.”

“I appreciate that.” Jungkook replied, anger stirring inside him as he fought not to rip this man’s head from his shoulders.They continued to play in near silence until Jungkook finally pressed him for answers. 

“So how do you intend to fix what your guys broke?”

Boardly looked up with a lost expression on his face. “Excuse me?” He grumbled.

“There was damage done to these stores, yes?” Jungkook assessed slowly. “And you’ve already collected cuts from some of the owners…” He can see Boardly’s eyes widen slightly in recognition. 

“Oh, you didn’t know I knew that.” The mob boss gathered. “Anyway, I assume you’re ready to pay for that. I was thinking fifty, thousand dollars would cover it.” He suggested calmly. 

Boardly tried to give an excuse, stuttering. “I’m-I don't think you understand—”

“I understood you can afford it, judging by those chips.” Jungkook chided, gesturing to the large bet Boardly made in the center of the poker table. Boardly sighed at a loss. 

“Kook, listen.” The CEO leaned forward, trying to reason with his opponent. “We’re friends. It was an accident, can’t we just forget this happened?”

“No.” Jungkook responded instantly, his arms crossed. “We were...associates, but now you’re just someone who fucked with my community. So are you gonna pay it back or not?” He seethed furiously.

Boardly swallowed and stared at Jungkook for a few moments, wondering how else to bargain with him. He had too much pride to go through with this deal, especially in front of his inferiors.

“No.” He finally answered.

Jungkook sighed disappointedly. The air in the room turned ominous and it was felt by all. Normally, Jungkook would be killing Boardly by now and he could feel all of his men tense behind him, ready to kill if need be, but he was doing things differently today. He just nodded understandingly, before gesturing with his left hand to get Taehyung’s attention.

“Taehyung. Will you get me a glass of water from the kitchen please?” He asked politely without looking at him. He hears his right hand man head to the kitchen and he turns back to the piece of shit in front of him.

“Why, Collin? Is there something wrong with doing right by those you fucked over?” Jungkook questioned, heatedly.

“No, Kook—”

“Don’t call me that.”

Boardly scoffed and continued. “I just don’t think we did anything wrong. We overstepped, we apologized, I think that should be enough.”

“Well, I don’t. So where does that leave us?”

“I’m not paying for shit.” The CEO shrugged. That really pissed Jungkook off. 

“Go to hell, Boardly.” He growled. I’m really gonna enjoy watching you bite it, Jungkook thought sinisterly. 

Taehyung placed the glass of water in front of his boss and made the decision to continue to stand at his side, ready if anything were to happen. 

“Fine.” Boardly responded bitterly. “So are we done here? Or are you gonna give me a hard time?” He asked, nodding at Taehyung for emphasis. Jungkook shook his head nonchalantly. “No, no. We’re done.” with a haunting smirk on his face. The look put Boardly slightly on edge, but he ignored it and stood up to corral his men. 

Jungkook watched him make his way to the door wondering what the fuck was taking so long? He already gave the signal. He started to reach for his own gun to do it himself when he noticed Boardly stop in his tracks and could hear him choking. 

Even Jungkook and his men wore looks of concern. The mafia leader got up to get a better view from where he stood and the others craned their necks behind him still ready to shoot first and ask questions later. 

Boardly’s men tried to help him as he clutched his throat, but it was no use as he convulsed and fell to the floor before ceasing to move altogether. They looked at each other for answers before turning to Jungkook. 

One of the guys who was wearing a blue suit, which Jungkook assumed to be Boardly’s right hand, pulled out a gun and walked towards him. Taehyung and Jungkook pulled theirs as well, causing everyone with a gun to point them at either side. 

“You do this?!” Boardly’s guy raged. “How?” Jungkook argued. “How would I do that to him? He probably had a heart attack or forgot to breathe or some shit.” He surmised, trying to place the blame elsewhere. 

“Bullshit! What did you do?” He demanded.

“Look, I’m sorry for your loss or whatever, but we had nothing to do with this. Now you all gotta do something with him.” He pointed his gun at the dead body briefly. Blue suit breathes heavily with a stumped expression, not wanting to let it go. No one in the room showing any signs of letting up either.

“How about we all put the guns down and you guys can take him home-or wherever. Yeah? Does that work?” Jungkook prompted gently. After a beat, blue suit nodded, looked back at the rest of Boardly’s men and nodded. Jungkook did the same and slowly, but surely the guns came down and were put away. 

Jungkook and his men watched as they dragged the body out of the restaurant and sped away from the large storefront windows. They’re finally able to breathe without stress. “What the fuck was that?” Namjoon blurted causing the rest of them to chuckle. 

“I don’t know, but I’m getting the fuck outta here before they come back. See you guys back at base.” They laughed and said their goodbyes. Jungkook walked in the light rain to the next block over and found his town car ready and waiting for him. 

He opened the passenger door, addressed his driver, then retrieved a large black duffle bag before opening the backdoor. There he found Deathstalker sitting cross legged in a black trench coat at the other window seat. He smiled fondly at her. She looked beautiful as always gazing out the window at the rain before she noticed him there. When she turned to face him he replaced the fond smile with a composed smirk. 

“Took you long enough.” She opined quietly once he sat down and closed the door. “We got held up, literally. I think this belongs to you.” He passed the duffle bag off to her. She received her present graciously, beaming down at the contents happily once she opened it. 

“Thank you Mr. Jeon.” Y/N crooned playfully, sporting that signature smirk that never failed to affect Jungkook. “No, thank you.” He responded after clearing his throat. “So you poisoned him?” 

She simply replied, “Yup.” while inspecting the cash that filled the duffle bag in her lap. 

“But he randomly started choking and shaking. And you say you controlled it with the push of a button?” He wondered with furrowed brows and pouted lips. 

“Well, poison, a small nanobot that I planted in his food to attack his lungs and cause internal bleeding, it’s all the same, you know.” She spoke aimlessly, moving on from the money to buff and inspect her manicure.  

“Wow.” Jungkook whispered, genuinely infatuated with the thought of that kind of technology and how he could get his hands on it. While he was lost in thought he didn’t notice Y/N scooching closer to him until they were side by side. He turned to find their noses were nearly touching and his heart rate sped up rapidly.  

“Now that, that’s over…” she drawled, grasping Jungkook’s hand. He watched unquestionably as she brought his hand to her mouth and inserted his middle and ring fingers all while looking into his eyes alluringly. At the same time, she easily brought her leg up to drape over both of Jungkook’s. He still sat frozen in place by her gaze while she lifted the bottom of her coat and placed his hand against her bare heat.

They both shuddered slightly when Jungkook instinctively began to rub circles into her already wet core, never taking their eyes off each other. 

“You wanna go somewhere?” She coaxed breathily. It almost infuriated Jungkook how she didn’t even have to try to get him to agree to anything. He was indeed trapped. 

“James,” He called up to the driver. “The Plaza Hotel please.” 

Currently, Jungkook was going through paperwork in his office, taking advantage of the slow week he’s had to take care of some business for his company. It’s been a while since he’s gotten to do this so he was pretty backed up and seemingly had a whole afternoon of this to look forward to. He sighed at the thought, but continued to read through the documents and sign them here and there when suddenly he felt something was...off. He put his pen down and looked around the room.

The room was silent as usual, but all of a sudden it was too silent? Jungkook didn’t know how and he couldn’t really make sense of it until he looked up at the ceiling vent. It was no longer producing the usual soft hum. There was nothing. He silently walked under the vent to inspect it when he saw a glint in between the slats. Immediately, he moved from under it and drew his gun, aiming it at the vent. 

“I see you motherfucker! Come out right now or I’ll put ten holes in you!” He shouted. The intruder heeded the warning and right away the vent was forced to the floor. Jungkook watched intently as two feminine hands holding a gun slowly dropped down and though it was upside down, it was perfectly aimed at him. 

He still had his gun trained on the vent as the trespasser entered through the hole in the ceiling to reveal the familiar face of Deathstalker herself. Only her upper body could be seen as her strong legs held her in place from inside the vent.

She smiled easily at Jungkook as if they weren’t in a stand-off right now. “Hello, Mr. Jeon.” Her tone was calm, but somewhat guarded, telling him what her face never would. Jungkook was stuck between being relieved to see that it was only Deathstalker and being concerned that she was pointing a gun at him. 

“Hello, Deathstalker. You wanna tell me why you broke into my office and have a gun in my face?” He queried with a tilt of his head. Y/N only reached up to grip the hole in the ceiling, somehow removing herself from the vent with one hand, her gun and her gaze still trained on Jungkook as she landed on her feet in front of him. More contradicting thoughts swirled in his mind at the sight.  

“You finally caught me. I’m proud.” She smirked, removing the hood of her catsuit from her head.

He fights the urge to roll his eyes. “Yeah, maybe you can congratulate me later. Why are you here? You finally turn on me? Did someone send you, huh?” 

“Don’t be so dramatic. You have something I need.” She explained with a determined look. Jungkook’s brows furrowed. “Is that so? And what might that be?” 

“You know what it is.” Y/N quipped, tilting her gun along with the inflection in her voice. He shakes his head assuredly. “No, No, I have no idea what you’re talking about, but if you wanna put the gun down I’d love to discuss it.” He entreated informally. 

“No.” She spoke firmly. A beat of silence passes before Jungkook has had enough. “Put the fucking gun down, Y/L/N.” He demanded gruffly. 

“You put the fucking gun down.” She spat right back at him. 

“I’m not doing this, just tell me what it is—” He reasoned.

“You know what it is—” Before she can fully respond, Jungkook rushed her, forcing her gun away from him and ripping it out of her hand. He quickly backed up and flung the gun across the room before pointing his back at her. They each caught their breath and Y/N bit her lip frustratedly. 

Jungkook gave a triumphant smile. “There, that’s better. You ready to talk now—”

Y/N’s leg swiftly came up to kick the gun right out of Jungkook's hand before he even realized what happened. He looked at the gun sliding away from them on the floor, then back at Deathstalker, who smirked and raised an arrogant brow.

“Okay.” Jungkook uttered right as Y/N charged at him. He panicked slightly at the thought of fighting her, but the instinct to fight back kicked in when she launched herself and wrapped her body around him like an anaconda. 

They struggled while Deathstalker tried to take Jungkook to the floor. Luckily for him, he wasn’t only a skilled shooter, but a trained and very skilled fighter as well. It wasn’t long before he freed himself from her vice grip and they were in a standoff once again, this time with their fist raised and ready to defend. 

“What the hell has gotten into you Y/L/N? I wish you would tell me what this is about.” Jungkook grumbled as they circled each other, waiting for the other to make a move.

Y/N chuckled mischievously. “Wouldn’t you like to know.” 

“Yes, actually!” He exploded. She took his emotional outburst as an opportunity and pounced once again. Jungkook was quicker to react this time and they were practically sparring in the middle of his office and only lord knows why. Jungkook found himself getting irritated because he was barely one step behind Deathstalker in her strikes and attacks. 

As they got more invested, Jungkook noticed that she didn’t intend on hurting him, but she did intend to win. Somewhere in the scuffle, he fell behind and let her right hook distract him from the leg that swept his feet from under him. She was on top of him in an instant, with a habitual flat hand at his jugular ready to stop him from breathing. They stare at each other, both of them breathing heavily. 

“Got you.” Y/N suddenly whispered smugly. “Now, are you gonna give me what I want?” She prompted provocatively, sliding her hand into the collar of his shirt slowly. The feel of her hot skin on his almost burned with their charged up bodies and wild emotions. He blinked in realization at her increasingly turned on form above him. 

“You. Crazy. Fucking. Bitch.” Jungkook fumed quietly, looking up at her in disapproval. She just giggled freely and though usually the sound would bring a smile to Jungkook’s face, it only pissed him off. 

He pushed her off of him and shoved her against the wall roughly, holding her there by the neck. “You’ve got some fucking nerve, breaking in here and waving a gun in my face.” He hissed in anger, their noses touching. “You know, if you wanted dick you could have just said so.” 

“Where’s the fun in that Mr. Jeon?” She crooned, leaning forward to kiss him and he denied her, coolly tilting his head back. He continued to hold her by the throat to the wall firmly, causing her to choke briefly, but if she was uncomfortable she didn’t let it show.

“No.” He shook his head, Y/N could see his gears turning as he did so. “No?” She echoed, curiously. 

“To answer your question. I’m not giving you what you want.” A devious smirk slowly appeared on his face that made Y/N’s body temperature rise. “No, you’re gonna do what I want now and you’re gonna like it.” He breathed, pressing himself against her and brushing her lips with his teasingly. She inhales audibly, trying not to look affected by his sudden behavior. 

“But, Mr. Jeon, I want what you want.” She encouraged him sweetly, reaching for him. He put a stop to that quickly by pinning her wrists above her with one hand and resuming his hold on her neck with the other. She grunted and squirmed before giving up, looking up a childish defeated expression, but Jungkook knew she loved it. 

He looked into her eyes with a strong dominance that had Y’N swallowing thickly in anticipation. “Are you talking back to me, Y/L/N?” His eyebrows furrowed intimidatingly. 

She bit her lip to suppress her giddy smile. She needed to play along and not mock Jungkook’s very real emotions. The dynamic has officially shifted and now Y/N’s main objective was to please him. “No, Mr. Jeon.” She assured in a register slightly higher than her natural voice. 

“Really, because you seem to have a lot to say for someone who’s at my mercy. I wonder if you’d still be as talkative with my dick in your mouth.” He growled hotly in her ear sending shivers down her spine.

She shuddered a hopeful response. “Can we find out, Mr. Jeon...please?” She implored when she felt him pull away. 

He looked her over, taking in her needy form. “Look at you, already begging for it.” He shook his head in amazement. “I should keep you here and see how long you can hold your breath for me before your face starts to change color.” He whispered while closing his hand tighter around her neck. Y/N hummed delightfully at the feeling, her eyes fluttering shut. 

“But you’d probably like that wouldn’t you?” He leaned back in, getting her attention. She opened her eyes and gave a pleasant smile. “You know that I do.” She choked out. He smiled back at her admirably before releasing most of the pressure on her throat. 

“No, I got something else planned for y—” He stopped abruptly, looking towards the door because he thought he heard the click of familiar shoes in the hall. His theory was proven correct when he heard them getting closer. He quickly looked to Y/N with wide eyes. 

“Get under the desk.” He ordered softly before they both scurry to the huge desk near the window. She easily fit herself under it on her knees facing out and Jungkook took the seat right in front of her. As soon as they were situated, there was a knock on his office door.

“Come in.” He called pretending to look over his files. Taehyung poked his head in with a concerned expression before he fully entered the room. “Hey boss. Everything okay here?” He questioned.

“Yes, fine. Why?”

“Nothing, we just thought we heard some...I don’t know, movement?” As Taehyung spoke, Jungkook could feel hands raking up his thighs and his eyes widened quickly. He tried to compose his expression, but he then felt the unbuttoning of his pants. 

No, no, no, no, he thought in a panic. He tries not to focus on just how Y/N got his zipper down as silently as she did and focuses on Taehyung’s lips as he talked. 

“Oh, no, yeah. That was just me. I was practicing...sh-shadow boxing.” He lied choppily as Y/N released his already hard dick from his pants. 

“In a suit?” Taehyung replied, confusedly. 

Jungkook jolted slightly and fought back a moan when the assassin took him in her warm, wet mouth. “Waauuuhh, yes. Yes, I was.” He cleared his throat to cover up more moans when she began to skillfully bob her head up and down on his length. 

“Oh, well okay.” Taehyung settled. “So if that’s all—” Jungkook attempted to see him off with no success. 

“Anyway, we got a lead on that Deathwalker chick.” He offered in a more chipper tone. Y/N paused her movements, intrigued by the information. What had they found out? Jungkook shamelessly rested his hand on the back of her head and pulled, encouraging her to keep going much to both of their disbelief. She obeys and continues the task eagerly, but careful not to have too much fun or she’ll risk getting caught. “Is that so?” the mob boss replied. 

“Yeah, it’s not much, but we assumed you wanted us to brief you on it as soon as possible.” His soldier nodded respectfully. 

“Ugh,” Jungkook moaned, half-way masking it as a noise of gratitude. “Thank you, Tae. I appreciate it. We’ll be sure to discuss thisssssss later.” He faltered. “Yes, sir.” Taehyung nodded again, making a face at Jungkook. 

“Hey, you okay boss?” He looked closer at his superior with genuine concern. “Never better Tae.” Jungkook forced out quickly. “Are you sure? Y—”

“Taehyung?” The gang leader addressed him firmly. “Yes?” 

“Get the fuck out of my office.” 

“Yes, sir.” Taehyung nodded, knowing when he was unwanted and without another word he was exiting the office. 

Jungkook pushed away from the desk immediately and grabbed a handful of Y/N’s hair as he stood both of them up. She only smiled at the manhandling and wiped the excess spit from her mouth. 

“You really want me to hurt you, don’t you?” He snarled at her. She fought back the strong urge to moan a yes and instead just stayed silent with a feigned guilty look on her face. “Take that off. Now. ” He commanded, gesturing to her catsuit. She shimmied it off of her arms and down her legs to reveal her naked body, leaving her heels on, all while Jungkook kept a tight grip on her hair. 

“How many do you think I should give you?” He asked, suddenly calmer than before. “How ever many you think is right sir.” She spoke in a small voice, but her innocent act didn’t fool him. He stared at her bare, unapologetically, beautiful body in wonderment before forcing her body to bend over his desk. 

He caressed her thighs and backside tenderly and then when she least expected it he delivered a delicious slap to it. Y/N yelped and then sighed with contentment. The wait was over, now the real fun could begin. 

“I told you.” Slap. “We weren't.” Slap. “Gonna do.” Slap. “What you wanted.” Slap. “To do.” Slap. “But you just don’t listen.” He accentuated his words with powerful smacks delivered to both of her cheeks and then rubbed at the tender flesh to soothe the sting. 

He ran his finger up her spine gently, making her shiver visibly. He smirked at his effect on her, bending his body over hers to whisper in her ear. “Tell me. Are you sorry?” He breathed heavily. 

“No, sir.” Y/N panted after a few moments. “I knew it…” He stands up straight, regarding her vulnerable yet durable body. 

“You disappoint me, Y/L/N.” He slaps her ass and massages again. Y/N hissed before replying. “I’ll do better sir.” she declared sincerely.

“You promise?” Jungkook lifts his hand and watches as Y/N braces for the impact, watched as her body tensed and her pussy clenched greedily around nothing in awe. He savored the moment, spanking her again.

She hummed graciously at the delicious pain she was receiving from him. “Yes, sir. I promise.”  

“But you’re not sorry.” He clarified. “No sir.” 

“Why?” His brows furrowed in curiosity, gearing up to spank her again. “Because I love sucking your cock sir.” Y/N whined. He stopped his movements, taken aback and released a soft laugh. “Is that so?” 

“Yes sir.” Slap. “Tell me more Y/L/N.” he requested as he moved his left hand to her cunt and kept the right one on her ass. 

She closed her eyes and smiled, envisioning herself doing the activity, even licking her lips at the luscious memory of it. “I love how heavy it feels on my tongue. How you force me down on it and it hits the back of my throat.” She mused longingly. Y/N stops speaking and her body tenses as he inserts his thumb into her. 

“Keep going Y/L/N.” Jungkook’s tone made it clear that he would stop if she didn’t keep talking so she continued. 

“I love how thick it is, oh fuck.” She moans, digging her nails into the wood of the desk as he rubs two fingers against her clit and picks up the pace. “What else Y/L/N?” He breathed.  

She gulped in a breath, the sudden pressure taking her breath away. “How you make me gag on it when I’ve been bad and— mmmm, how you coat the inside of my mouth with all your cum when you’re done with me...How you check to make sure I swallowed all of it.” She giggled that last bit breathlessly, grinding back on his hand. 

“You’re such a dirty girl Y/L/N.” He moves in and out of her quickly while rubbing her clit perfectly in sync, pulling lewd moans from her until he suddenly removes them, delivering another hard smack to her backside. “Ah, fuck.” She squealed.

“But you’re right, you need to do better. Now count with me.” He ordered sternly. 

To which she immediately responded, “Yes sir.” 

Y/N counts every hit Jungkook delivers to her extremely tender ass dutifully with her fingernails creating crescents in the mahogany wood below her. By the time they reach twenty, his hand is as red as a tomato and Y/N is quite literally dripping onto the floor in front of him. He watched as her slick dripped out of her cunt from in between her spread legs and onto the floor, creating a tiny puddle of her pleasure. 

Jungkook is incredibly turned on by the sight and doesn’t think twice before taking his hard cock and shoving right into the assassin without warning. He didn’t wait for her to adjust, not that she needed to as you could literally mop the floor with her arousal. He just continued to hammer into her with complete abandon. 

It felt as if Y/N had forgotten how to breathe and her head shot up from the desk at the abrupt intrusion. “Ohhhhh shhhhhhit.” She cursed choppily with Jungkook’s hips slapping against her, making her ass sting more, but she loved it. 

He reached up to push her head down against the desk forcefully and held it there as he fucked into her. “You love the pain don’t you my little cock slut?” He growled out.

“Yes, sir. I love it. Thank you, Mr. Jeon.” She babbled dazedly into the desk. 

He pulls out of her then, leaving her moving back in search of him and clenching around nothing. “Please put it back in, Mr. Jeon.” She whimpered, reaching back for him, but she didn’t dare sit up for fear that he might think she was disobeying him.

He smiles and sits down in his chair, grabbing the hands that searched for him and guiding them to it’s arm rests. “Why don’t you come sit down and do it yourself?” 

She moves right away and backs up onto him. Bracing herself on the armrests, she hovers above him still facing the desk, grabs his cock and engulfs it in her wetness. They both groan wildly when he is fully seated inside of her and she begins to move up and down.

“Just like that baby, keep bouncing on my cock.” He muttered huskily, placing his hands on her hips. Looking down, he finally noticed the mess Y/N’s juices made on his suit pants. He should have pulled them all the way down, but damn if that wasn’t one of the hottest things he’s ever seen. “Goddamn. Who made you this fucking wet baby?” He grunted, pulling her down on him with fervid force. 

“You did, Mr. Jeon.” Y/N breathed heavily with her eyes closed in ecstasy. She could feel her orgasm finally approaching and she was chasing it with every move she made.

“You gonna cum baby?” Jungkook’s voice rasped in her ear. Y/N mentally cursed, already knowing what was coming to her. “Yes, I’m so close, Mr. Jeon.” She whined, trying to plead her case. 

It was no use. He swiftly pushed her off of him roughly and forced her down against the table once more. “No, no, no, please, please.” She begged and squirmed.

He only bent down to her level, gripping her chin in his hand. “You should know by now not to fuck with me Y/L/N. Now you need to be punished.” He says whispering sadistically in her ear. “Come on now.”

Jungkook gripped her by her forearms, dragging her up from the table and keeping them in place behind her back like a criminal. He guided her to the expansive wall length bookshelf on the far left of his office. Y/N knew just where they were going and somehow it prompted more wetness to come cascading down her already damp and sticky legs. 

He finds the handle on the inside of one of the shelves and pulls on the hidden door to reveal his playroom. The ceiling was a deep red while the walls were painted black with several tools for causing pain hanging on them all around the room. Several large contraptions used for pleasure and pain were scattered along the sides. But Jungkook’s favorite part of the room was the alaska king size mattress against the back wall which had a mirror of the same size attached to the ceiling above it. He loved that he could see every facet of Y/N’s squirming body just by looking up. 

“Stand here.” He directs her after stopping under the pair of leather handcuffs that dangled from the ceiling. He lifted and secured both her arms before focusing on her wanton eyes. “You comfortable, sweetheart?” He asked, grasping her chin firmly in his hands. 

“Yes, sir.” She replied truthfully. “Good.” He pecked her lips and began removing her boot heels. This created more distance between her and the floor. She was now truly dangling from the ceiling, the balls of her feet barely touching the floor.

Jungkook marvelled at his work and how after a while Y/N struggled to hold her weight against the cuffs. He then undressed quickly and made his way back to her, placing his lips on hers in a rough and passionate kiss that left Y/N breathless and moaning. 

She feels a hand thread it’s fingers through her hair and massage her scalp before it’s yanking her back and gripping tightly. She opened her eyes to see Jungkook, lustful and giddy smiling back at her. His hand slipped out of her hair, down her neck, chest and around her torso as he slowly circled her body. 

“I wish I could touch every piece of you at once.” He expressed sofly once he was behind her. Y/N breathed heavily with anticipation as his large hands gluided up her raised arms, down her waist, over her hips and ghosted over her plump, raw ass making her hiss. He chuckled at the sound letting his hands wander to her front and administering feather light circles to her swollen clit. Y/N twitched causing her body to sway uncontrollably. Jungkook stilled her, but continued his teasing much to Y/N’s dismay. But she didn’t dare say anything about it, she knew better and she wanted to cum so she stayed silent. 

He comes back around to face her and really takes his time appreciating her body. He kisses her lips, along her neck and sucks on her nipples just enough to have her squirming with more want for him. Suddenly he presses down on each of her sensitive nipples with two fingers and she squeaks, painful electricity shooting through her. 

He looked her over keenly. “God you’re so fucking beautiful...and you’re all mine to play with.” He kisses her biting her lip. “Who do you belong to?” His fierce tone demanded an answer.

“You, Mr. Jeon.” Y/N avowed, increasingly turned on and desperate to cum. 

“Who else?” His hands moved haltingly towards her core, never breaking eye contact. Her eyes flashed knowingly at him. “No one. Only you, Mr. Jeon.” 

Jungkook smiled contentedly before it disappeared little by little. He knew the words weren’t true and that she only said them to please him, only said them when they were intimate. But he couldn’t help how much he yearned to hear it, how much he wanted her to truly be his. This room is where they both get what they want no matter what. 

Y/N gets someone to dominate her and take care of her needs and Jungkook gets to live out his fantasies of her truly belonging solely to him. But he knew she would never go for that and that he would continue to toture himself this way. 

He tucks the thought away as he suddenly plunges two fingers inside of her. “And who does this pussy belong to?” He growled.

Y/N immediately clenches around them and lets out a cracked moan. “You, sir! This pussy is all yours. Oh fuck, ugh!” She cried out. At least Jungkook can be sure of that, he thought as he began curling his fingers into her at lightning speed. He holds her hips in place as he goes to work and Y/N can’t even think about the pain in her arms anymore once she feels her orgasm approaching. 

She grunts fervently as the pressure in her core builds and builds until she can’t stand it. She gives no warning, just allowing the glorious, all-consuming feeling to ignite her insides without a single sound. The only noise to be heard in the room was the sloshing of Jungkook’s fingers moving rapidly inside of her and the slap of his palm against her wet mound. 

Jungkook was so enraptured by her eyes rolling back into her head that he didn’t notice the clear liquid escaping from her cunt, getting all over his hand and dripping onto the floor. He brought her drooping head up so he could kiss her eagerly as he removed his fingers and stroked her clit like a wild man, getting more of her juices all over him. 

She never told him to stop as she was struck silent by the amount of pleasure she just experienced, but he removed his hand and continued kissing her writhing body hungrily. She was out of breath as she twitched and mewled against him, audibly shuddering from time to time. 

“Holy fucking shit. You’re just full of surprises huh?” He praised her with her face in his hands. Her only reaction was to smile tiredly. Her body was absolutely spent and still experiencing aftershocks. 

“Now let’s see if we can make you do that again.” he says, lifting her legs to wrap around his waist, thankfully taking the weight off of her arms. 

She finally speaks in a disoriented voice with her eyes half closed. “Yes, please sir.” 

Jungkook pushes inside of her, her cunt was now extremely wet and extremely tight due to that first squirting orgasm and he could tell he wouldn’t last long. He began speedily fucking into her, his hips slapping against her bruised and aching ass over and over again. 

Y/N was in another realm of euphoria, this one being better than the last. She didn’t even know that was possible. Her head was tilted all the way back and her eyes were closed, but they were focused. She was too far gone to even remember her own name at this point. 

“Please…” She mumbled. “Please what?” Jungkook grunted, his vigorous hips never changing pace. 

“Please, please make me cum, Mr. Jeon.” She begged through gritted teeth. “I want it so bad. Please give me your cum.” 

“Oh fuck, baby.” He moaned, thrusting impossibly faster, both of them close to the edge. 

She felt herself growing slightly over stimulated, but she was so close, chasing that high that made her see stars. She was concentrated on the feeling of Jungkook’s dick pumping in and out of her and hitting just the right spot against her walls. Jungkook felt a force resisting him from inside of Y/N and before he could grasp it he was being pushed out along with Y/N’s cum. 

A full fledged scream escaped from her throat that was elongated by Jungkook who swiped at her clit wildly to prolong her orgasm. He watches her twitch and moan helplessly before sliding back in and picking up where he left off.

“No, p-please sir, I can’t.” She choked out, her chest heaving with exhaustion. 

He gripped her face roughly in his hand and brought it close to his. “No, you wanted this dick so you gonna take this dick.” He seethed. “That’s what you came here for right?” 

“Yes sir.” She cried. Jungkook thrusted up into her half a dozen more times before he came inside of her, ripping yet another orgasm from Y/N. She felt tears slide down her face at the sheer force of energy in her veins. She saw white behind her eyes and her body burned all over in the best of ways. 

“Argh!” Jungkook growled boisterously as he came, holding her hips rigidly against his as he came down. When he looked up he could see Y/N practically falling asleep against him, yet her body was shaking slightly. He pulled out of her and released her from her restraints.

“Let’s get you to bed, huh?” He grinned, holding her tight as he let her down because he didn’t expect her to be able to hold herself up. He was proven right as she immediately slumped over his shoulder once her arms were free. The mafia leader carried her to the bed and gently laid her on her back, taking a moment to clean both of them off before he laid down too. 

“Y/N? Are you okay?” He whispered sweetly. Initially, the assassin didn’t realize he was speaking to her as she was quickly drifting off to sleep, but after a moment she assured him, “I’m fine Jungkook.”

[jjk-anime-horray]

A Call in the Night

Dazai Osamu x reader x Oda Sakunosuke

Series Summary: While Dazai finally gets over the death of his friend and moves on with his life, he has to watch him unnaturally return into the world, and now he has to watch him turn twisted and into everything he hated in a way.

Chapter Summary: The Armed Detective Agency gets a call about an warehouse incident that happened in the middle of the night, and send two detectives to respond to it.

Notice: This fic series is going to have some dark themes in it so be warned, and in this AU Dazai and the reader are members of the armed detective agency, and this is a spiritual successor to “Late Night Tickets, and Meeting Him.” So I recommend reading that first even though you don’t need to. This is going to be a series!

Trigger Warnings: Blood, mentions of extreme violence, and description of illegal activities.

Getting a call about a mandatory and emergency investigation in the middle of the night, to be specific 2:32am, was something no one at the Armed Detective Agency wanted to do. So what's the most logical solution? Draw straws and the two people who draw the shortest are forced to go.

Unfortunately for you, you were one of the two unfortunate souls that drew a short straw. At least the other person who drew the short straw was Dazai Osamu, your coworker but most importantly the first friend you made in this city, so maybe you would be able to get a kick out of the bad situation at hand.

But when the two of you emerged from an alley to meet the crime scene at hand, that would by no means be the case because by the sight of the horror that layed out infront of you two it was enough for the both of you want to hurl.

Crime scene would describe the atrocity in front of as much as the phrases bloodbath and massacre would. No wonder this was an emergency for the ADA there were probably more than 30 people dead killed in various atypical ways.

First walking into the warehouse the most out of the ordinary sight would be a round wooden table with a duffle bag on it, but once someone took a closer look the rest of the ware house was completely empty other than the congealing crimson liquid that was pooling everywhere.

The five chairs around rickety table were matched with four bodies of executives of some sort laid face down on the table or dangling of the chairs.

But the most appalling sight was what was inside the duffle-bag, you were wishing it would be something tame like left behind money, however, much to your displeasure, they where severed off human heads. That by the looks of it were cut off with some sort of serrated knife my the edge markings.

"What are you thinking (Y/N)?" Were the words that Dazai spoke to snap you out of your spiraling train of thought. "I sure as hell am thinking this isn't the way I would have wanted to go."

"I'll have to agree with you on that one, this shit is something right out of a cheesy crime or horror movie.The only thing I can think of is the heads were a message of some kind to the people who were sitting at the table, and either the person at the empty seat with accomplices who killed everyone or are the only survivor, but it could be either. Were you able to identify anyone bodies or do you recognize anyone?"

"I don't recognize anyone, and most of the bodies are too mangled to be identified, but everyone at the table is wearing a customized Rolex, so I suspect that they were all executives of a organization of some kind, probably an illegal on based on all the gun men that were probably guarding the meeting before they got taken out."

"The only lead we have is the Rolex I guess, so Daz, will you take one for reference, we can visit all of the watch makers in the city to try to find out who was the person who commissioned these watches to be made, and then maybe through that we kind find out who the soul survivor was."

"Agreed."

Honestly the two of you would have been a little more playful and chatty if the events that took place tonight weren't so gruesome. The two of you were used to having to see and do brutal things, but Dazai had this gut feeling that this wasn't the typical violent act, and things weren't as the seemed.

The brown eyed detective just wanted to go take a nap after this, which was something you also wanted to do after see all the blood. Deciding to leave the true start to your investigation for a decent time the two of you swiftly communicated with the responders about the potential situation at hand. Then left to go deal with is mess the next day.

Timeskip........

After a horrible night's sleep and about three cups of coffee you were finally able to be semi-functional, so then you decided to grab your partner Dazai after dressing to impress and make for the horrible mood you currently were in from multiple factors. Dazai was even in a worse state than you where, you found him at the trying to convince Kunikida to go on the investigation for him, which was ultimately denied by the blonde haired man. Also leaving you to drag the genius yet idiotic maniac out of the office.

Walking down the streets in-between visiting different watchmakers and jewelers, you noticed some was off each time your boots hit the ridged pavement. In particular something about Dazai, his face was contorted into a being in deep thought, not to be disturbed for any reason. It was so out of character you were going to ask what he was thinking about, but then opted out.

"I know you were going to ask what I was thinking, I am a detective you know." He said his face morphing into one not of deep thought but of cockiness with a smirk. Damn, sometimes you really loved and hated that smirk, but right now you didn't know what to think of it. "I was just thinking of how now I know exactly who made the watches, and where is is for your information."

"Really who would that be? For my information."

"His name is Opāru Shokunin, he's done a lot of custom jewelry for Elise-chan and the port mafia in the past, but recently he's been doing a lot of foreign commissions for gangs and syndicates outside of Japan my word of mouth. When I first saw the watches I was initially reminded of how it looked like his handy work, but since the first three places we've visited were a bust, i'm confident it's him."

"Alright Mr. Mic-cocky, lead the way by all means." You scoughed lightly.

Unfortunately for the two of you, your desired destination was all the way across yokohama, so you had to hail a taxi which you knew you were going to be the one paying or it. The icing on the shitty cake was that you got stuck in rush hour traffic, so, the total time until arrival was three time longer than it should have been. At least you got dibs on the radio choice.

When the two of you arrived at your desired destination you now witnessed a normal looking office building, unfortunately, there was no elevator so the two of you had to work your legs up three flights of stairs to make it to Opāru's workshop.

Before you went in however you whispered to Dazai "how do we know he's even gonna be willing to talk to us?"

"He's going to be willing...."

"Why?"

"Simple you're gonna pay him."

"Um no you're going to pay him because I payed for the cab!"

"Um no."

"Yes!"

"No."

"Yes!"

"You realize I can hear you two bickering right?" was the raspy voice of the man you were looking for that ended your whisper argument. He was actually younger than you expected, about 38, but he looked older than his body by his eyes, the eyes of someone very worn out. Which would explain the smoking. "He's right i'll talk if you pay me, just come in before ya give everyone else a headache."

The two of you swiftly made your way into the working man's shop room. The room was a lot nicer than you thought it would be, and a lot lighter too. The man possessed a very nice view from his wall because his wall was almost completely filled with by windows. Dazai did mention something about the craftsmen liking natural light in the cab on the way here, so it wasn't too surprising and really lightened the room up.

You followed Dazai to the two chairs across from the white tufted sofa that Opāru was already occupying. Then Dazai placed the watch and a thick wad of cash on the coffee table separating the two parties of people.

"Oh, so you're here to ask who paid me to customize this for them? No surprise there they were particularly nasty."

"How where they particularly nasty?"

"I'm pretty sure that they were doing things even nastier than the port mafia, like taking kids of the streets and shipping them off."

"So, supposedly by word of mouth were human traffickers."

" Yeah, supposedly, but I didn't ask when the guy approached me."

"The guy?" You reconfirmed.

"Yeah, the guy, he had this weird tattoo on his wrist. The guy's name was Zinnnnnng, THUMP.

The two of you didn't even have time to blink or create when the bullet zipped through the head of the craftsman from. The crimson liquid from his head pooling on the couch were he was just alive a few seconds ago. The blood seeping into the fabric like the disparity of situation into Dazai and yourself.

Glimpsing out middle window now tainted with a hole you see the silhouette of the person responsible for this.

Dashing up without a second thought you sprint to pursue the culprit of the murder that just took place infront of you. Eyeing your target through the broken window.

Ahhhhhhh! Okay I’m literally really proud of how this came out! I’m really hope people like it. I’m really new to writing full fanics so if any experienced writer is reading this will you please give some pointers, that would be very helpful!

-Ellie

[roublardise]

my "Crowley isn't attracted to women" take

for @spnprideweek - day 2 - mlm

cw: dicussion of homophobia & transphobia all in all I wanted to highlight how canon gay Crowley is bc I love him 💕 thank u spn for Crowley even tho he deserved better

in the last weeks I've realized there's a huuge consensus in the fandom for pansexual Crowley. if you're pan or not and wanna hc Crowley as pan, power to you! but what's bothering me is the non-discussion of it all. the way it seems obvious for everyone. whereas, to me, Crowley has been canonically gay all this time.....

disclaimer: I'm aware Mark Sheppard alledgely said he saw Crowley as pansexual, however I can't even take these words for canon without context. Especially not when a year later he'd say Crowley's sexuality didn't matter. The way Mark Sheppard talks about characters' sexuality is more a "why are people making a big deal let them be" than "the character doesn't care." Moreover, actors pov can't be taken as canon imo. Jensen Ackles thought Dean straight for so long when Dean's been bi all this time as well. Sometimes actors are biased by their own experiences & stereotypes!

disclaimer #2: on god I don't wanna start discourse lmao. I just wanna share my silly thoughts about a tv show & question the way Crowley's sexuality is written in this silly homophobic tv show. don't @ me about what's making you think Crowley is indisputably pansexual bc I assure you I already know your points

That being said, here's why I think Crowley is a bear, a gay man, a trans gay man actually, a homosexual, who isn't attracted to women & some food for thoughts about why the unquestioned consensus towards pan Crowley could have roots in both homophobia & panphobia.

I don't think we can think of Crowley as your usual demon. We know too much about Crowley's life as a human, and the numerous ways in which he acts un-demony, almost humanly after. Considering him simply like a demon with no concept of gender preference who would be pan “by default” wouldn’t be right with his character. But we also can't question his sexuality in the exact same way we would a human's.

It also can't be thought in the same way as angels': as once-humans demons do have a concept of gender. Crowley especially cares a lot about his gender presentation and the way he's addressed. Not only does he literally sell his soul for a bigger d*ck as a human ; as a demon he uses the same vessel where other demons are shown to move once they had to leave one ; and for the few hours Crowley's possessing a woman, he clearly states he should still be referred to as king.

This will all be used for homophobic & transphobic jokes in the show, but I'll get back to that later on. Gender does matter to Crowley's identity, and I think it could be extended to his sexuality.

I've seen numerous descriptions of it all saying Crowley's sexuality was "ambiguous" and I guess it is, as he never explicitly used any label. However "ambiguous" doesn't mean bi or pan. It doesn't mean anything besides the fact we can't draw a clear-cut conclusion of his sexuality.

Imo we can actually draw a clear-cut conclusion of Crowley's sexuality but yeh, I'm getting there.

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Let's take a look at canon events around Crowley & sexuality!

His character introduction is him enjoying making a homophobe man kiss him for a deal

It is rumoured that he was a demon's lover (Lilith's)

He heavily flirts with Bobby

He french kisses Bobby for a deal and takes a pic

He never kisses a woman on screen (tell me if I forgot anyone!)

He flirts with every single man he sees, and even more strongly when it's making the other uncomfortable

The other parent of Crowley's son is never mentioned nor even brought up

He has two orgies that we know of

He has sex with a demon who's possessing a woman (Lola) when he was addicted to human blood

He dates, has sex with, and asks Dean to rule Hell with him. He's in love with Dean

On late spn he drinks fruity drinks

He flirts with and implies he had sex with an angel (Naomi)

He flirts with Death (Billie)

He's into BDSM

I'm not gonna go into details with all the sexual stuff he says bc there's a lot.... But it's always about gay sex. (once again, if I'm forgetting smth pls tell me nicely)

Now, with all that I'd like to question specifically the elements people use to say Crowley is canonically attracted to women.

He has two orgies that we know of

There’s the one Crowley has while he’s himself possessing a woman ; iirc it’s a foursome with two other men and one woman. Crowley still counts as a King, as the show makes sure we know, admitedly this dialogue implies we should still think of him as a not-very-manly-man.

Honestly, if one is convinced Crowley is attracted to women based on this scene.. okay. Personally I don’t see it because the orgy is unplanned, it’s an opportunity Crowley takes. Is he even attracted to the two other men?? Who knows. We don’t even know if Crowley even touches the other woman, there’re so many ways to have group sex. Even if he did, having sex with one woman doesn’t make it impossible for him to be homosexual.

The second orgy is with Dean. Crowley describes it then: “We've done extraordinary things to triplets.” It’s interesting how before I went to check, I thought it was clear the triplets were women. But not at all! I’ve been tricked by heteronormativity myself. So this is up to interpretation. Even though the way the show doesn’t make sure we know the triplets were women is pretty telling (as I’ll talk about later).

It is rumoured that he was Lilith's lover

Well, this is a rumour. In this relationship Crowley would know Lilith as a demon possessing a woman, and Lilith would know Crowley as a demon possessing a man as well. Who's even to say they met in their vessels to sleep together. That's the kind of cases in which the ambiguity of Crowley human/demon situation makes it impossible to draw any kind of conclusion towards Crowley's attraction to women. Also if anything Lilith is clearly a lesbian lmao.

He has sex with Lola when he was addicted to human blood

Same thing here, the relationship is one of demon/demon. Though we do now they do meet in their vessels to sleep together. Besides that, the sex happens while Crowley is at a low point. She's the one bringing him human blood, which makes the sex more of a transaction than anything. It does fit a very grey area of consent which would be fair to question.

We can't know for sure whether the demon possessing the woman was a woman as well, but let's say she was: 1/ Crowley having sex once or twice with a woman doesn't prevent him from being homosexual. 2/ What is he seeing if not a demon's true form? 3/ Wasn't he in a self-destructive mental state?

It's a stretch, imo, to assume Crowley was attracted to her.

He flirts with and had sex with Naomi / flirts with Billie

This one is so ridiculous to me bc Naomi is an angel and as a demon, Crowley sees her true form. We don't even know who was her vessel when they had sex.

The flirt thing is interesting however, bc iirc Naomi and Billie are the only "women" we see Crowley actually flirt with. During the orgies or the demon sex there's no flirt involved. It's interesting bc, as Cas would say: "Naomi's vessel is a woman. Naomi is an angel."

Same case for Billie who's a reaper then Death. Spn is pretty unclear about how the whole thing works but we know reapers are kind of angels. In any case, I won't go as far as saying Billie has any connection to gender.

Moreover, the way Crowley flirts with them is pretty light next to everything else Crowley says to men. It's pretty personal, I'm aware, but I do relate a lot with the way Crowley flirts with them VS how I flirt with men just because (and I'm a lesbian).

Anyway! Both Naomi and Billie are supernatural creatures, which brings the count of women Crowley flirts with to... zero.

-> What I take from all that is that Crowley is attracted to men for sure ; to angels and demons ; and doesn't care about the genitalia involved in the sex he has. We have nothing about the kind of relationships he had as a human. His gender presentation matters a lot to him. The only long-term commitment he has is with Dean. I wouldn't even say he had a committed relationship with Gavin's other parent bc we don't know anything about them.

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But what's my deal with homosexual Crowley? One can wonder, if Crowley doesn't care about bodies, doesn't that mean he can still be written as pan?

No! First because sexual attraction isn't about genitalia (even if transphobes would argue the contrary but they're transphobic so...). And second, well....

I would refer to this point as "how do I know Crowley isn't attracted to women? bc Dean is"

I'm convinced that if the show wanted to write Crowley as anything other than a gay man, it would have been way more obvious.

This is a show who wrote Dean catcalling a faceless woman on the street, for no other reason than to remind the viewers Dean was attracted to women & to balance it with the following homoerotic scene.

One could say spn doesn't have lots of women characters to begin with, but that's my point exactly: when spn wants to show attraction towards women, they do find women for people to be attracted to. Hell, they even give Gavin some girlfriend but never ever bring up the topic of Gavin's other parent. Even though an entire episode is dedicated to learning about Crowley's past.

What's important to understand Crowley's sexuality isn't the people he slept with ; it's the people he doesn't show interest in.

The absence of something is the presence of the thing, blablabla. It's a way to look at homosexuality that heteronormativity makes hard to see because, unconciously, we don't tend to question attraction towards the expected gender. One would ask for a 10 pages essay on why a character is gay, but one would need only a 2 sec kiss to assure a character's heterosexuality or attraction towards the expected gender.

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In Crowley's case, his attraction to men is a huge part of his character right from the beginning (thanks god, at least no one's questioning that). Spn as a show that hears what the fans are saying and twists writing accordingly, is perfectly aware of that. Yet rather than pushing women at him along the course of the show to remind everyone how Not Gay Crowley is - the opposite happens.

Yeh, Lola, Naomi, Billie, they all happen in the later seasons. But even then, the show somehow can't write Crowley as attracted to a human woman.

What happens then is: not only does Crowley fall for Dean ; he engages in some BDSM play with Lucifer : and he switches from drinking only the finest Scotch to fruity cocktails.

The BDSM thing as well as the drink thing are choices rooted in stereotypes, that's how spn is! But it does canonize Crowley's homosexuality. They're depriving him of his "masculinity" as the show goes on, because they purposely write him as homosexual. I don't think spn would have ever written a bi or pan character that way.

We learned a few days ago that Crowley died in a gutter. He died in a gutter for a bigger d*ck. I'm just gonna refer to Oscar Wilde & Mika on this : "some of us in the gutter are looking up at the stars."

The "referred to as king" scene isn't about Crowley being a demon and so not caring about gender - it's the opposite. Other demons are the ones poiting out Crowley's vessel. This is a transphobic joke. It's the demon edition of the "gay boy in a dress" transmisogynistic trope.

Viewers aren't supposed to be on Crowley's side ; we're supposed to be giggling with the other demons while Crowley is being emasculated. Crowley gets a woman vessel because he's a not-very-manly-man, because he's a trans man, because he's homosexual.

And I know that bc Dean is written as bi, and all they're doing is reaffirming the way he does like women while being extra subtle with his love for men.

Meanwhile Crowley is losing influence and power, loses his authority as he loses his throne in Hell, gets humiliated by Lucifer, until all his character revolves around is his love for Dean. The way Crowley is then protrayed as some lovesick ex who can't move on is, imo, a straight man fantasy. Crowley's love is both used as predatory and as a tool to validate Dean's Peak Masculinity.

Spn has been burying their gays all along, and Crowley was right there being punished for not only being in love with Dean but for not being attracted to women. For never being able to be a "normal" guy. For never being able to be seen as a "normal" guy. For checking every homophobic stereotypes in the books. Crowley as a human dies because he's a trans man. Crowley as a demon dies because he's homosexual.

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That's what leads me to be uncomfortable with the way the fandom seems to have a consensus towards pansexual Crowley. (Once again: idc about people's personal hc of Crowley as pan, I just want to think critically about the way no one thinks twice about it & accepts it as canon so easily. Hell, just bc I dared to ask what started the pan Crowley confirmation I got accused of erasing his pansexuality. All I did was ask a question.)

To me, it feels like erasing everything his character went through because he was gay. And it seems to be taken from a reasoning which is going to assume Crowley is attracted to women.

I mean: the reasoning would go "oh, Crowley clearly has a non-straight sexuality -> he's attracted to men -> he's pan" His attraction to women being accepted by default, without needing any backup. And when I look at the canon I see nothing implying he'd be attracted to women. Taking Crowley's attraction to women for granted is following an heteronormative thinking.

Being into people isn't all about who one sleeps with. It's about love. And when we look at what spn shows about Crowley's close relationships, the only meaningful one he got is with Dean. When Rowena wants payback for Crowley making her kill Oskar, she goes for his son.

And it's SO interesting to me because if angels can't be in love because they don't have a soul - can demons? as they're beings with a destroyed soul? And if so, how powerful of Crowley to still fall in love with Dean Winchester.... the power of gay love :) (Crowley 🤝 Cas)

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To conclude all this with some more stuff to think about if, like me, you love questioning everything:

While it's not wrong per se to hc Crowley as pan, it can be worth questioning what's making us so sure we collectively just vibe with it? To me there's a few things: - As I was saying: heteronormative bias - Crowley being a non-fully-human character - Crowley being masculine (despite the show's attempts to erase that) - Crowley being into BDSM - Crowley flirting and making sexual remarks in every context

These, unconsciously, gives a vibe of a character who's "outside" of the gender norm, not making big deal of their sexuality, not even questioning it. This creates this idea of "ambiguity" around Crowley's sexuality. The way Crowley particularly seems to be really chill about sex, is a demon (so what does he know about gender?), and heavily flirty, ... is what most people will link to pansexuality. That doesn't mean thinking of Crowley as pan is being problematic™ ; this means in western medias that's what fills the "pansexual character" imagery (like basically: the Jack Harkness type).

However, when we look at it like that, none of these elements are defining of pansexuality. None of them are excluding him from homosexuality. If not stereotypes.

That's where it gets personal ; but it does make me feel like the huge consensus towards a pansexual Crowley (when there is no clear-cut evidence of it) is erasing the complexity of homosexual experiences. As I said at the begining: I'm happy if pansexual people can relate to Crowley ; everone's free to headcanon. But saying Crowley is canonically pansexual is a stretch - and a take rooted in homophobic stereotypes.

Imo Crowley may have been created with all these traits pushing towards a pan reading of his character. However, as the show went, he was clearly written as a homosexual man. The changes in his portrayal took a turn to be specifically homophobic. He gets imagery that only strictly homosexual characters got (such as drinking fruity cocktails like Aaron. Meanwhile Dean, on the same scene, is allowed beer & whiskey.)

We're used to taking spn's homophobic rep and jokes to make it our own. Yet it seems, when it comes to Crowley, the fandom doesn't see it.

Sometimes people aren't attracted to the gender heteronormativity expects them to be attracted to.......... sometimes people are gay and it's not an umbrella term.

[bryan360]

Here’s my note before I’ll get started….

(DON’T YOU EVER COPY FROM MINE OR MY FRIEND’S WORK, CHARACTERS, AND STUFF IF ONE OF YOU ARE IMPOSTERS WHO HAD HABITS OF PLAGIARISM! I WILL BLOCK YOU FROM MY BLOG IF I SEE YOUR POST WITH MINE OR MY FRIEND’S ORIGINAL WORK BEING EDITED ALL OVER! I’LL EVEN SHARE IT ONTO MY BLOG SO IF EVERYONE WILL SEE THAT YOU TRYING TO COPY MINE OR MY FRIEND’S THINGS FOR NO GOOD REASON WHATSOEVER! That will be all….I mean it.)

🎃Inktober of 2021 - Day 23: Puppet

Sorry to everyone that I was being late again; even if took me "tons of hours" to write down my words in giving details while making my Inktober drawing in progress was indeed a chore. 😥 It almost like when I'm trying my best while someone who’s controls me to make sure my work needs to complete in time. Or else there's gonna be harsh consequences that it will happened, but thankfully it won't be in real life. That being said however, thought I could bring to this lastest Inktober post to share when someone's controls 🐰🍫Choco's body. Being chased by candy monsters was bad enough, but someone's gonna transformed people into puppets for eternity was another. 😨 Wondering how Choco gonna get out from this situation? You can't....unless during Halloween month before changing back into normal self.

Choco (in puppet form) created by me; BryanVelasquez87 (Bryan360)

Previous Posts

Day 4: 🌈🧟‍♂️🥜Joy Zombie Brown - Link Here #1

Day 5: 🦇Kirby Lucy Loud - Link Here #2

Day 6: ☕️🕷Muffet - Link Here #3

Day 7: 👻 Ghost Pokémon Approaches - Link Here #4

Day 8: Noteson meets Casper - Link Here #5

Day 9: The Jellystone Kids - Link Here #6

Day 10: 🐻🧹Broomstick - Link Here #7

Day 11:🐰The Rabbit Addams in Love - Link Here #8

Day 12: 🍫🍭🍬Candy - Link Here #9

Day 13: 🦛🎃Halloween Town Heffy - Link Here #10

Day 14: 🐶🐻 🦆The Jellystone Kids (Second Redrawn) - Link Here #11

Day 15: 😱🐰Scary Bunny - Link Here #12

Day 16: Tanis - Link Here #13

Day 17: 👽Alien Sightings - Link Here #14

Day 18: 🥜🤡Brown’s Joker - Link Here #15

Day 19: 🦛🍎Apple Bobbing - Link Here #16

Day 20: 😴Nightmares - Link Here #17

Day 21: Pumpkin - Link Here #18

Day 22: Possess - Link Here #19

[pixiebuggiewrites]

Sorry Wrong Number!

Masterpost - Previous - Next - Ao3 link

Chapter 2:  Hawkmoth has really bad designs and perhaps even worse timing

Since it was her off night from patrol, Ladybug was the last one onto the scene. She landed down on a building next to Viperion, who was observing the akuma’s skillset as Kuro Neko played distraction down below them.

The villain of tonight's look was... interesting to put it nicely. They were a boy around the same age as the heroes that seemed to be wearing a slightly oversized purple and blue three piece suit with a not-so-subtle lightning pattern running up the arms. His hair was shock white and seemed to be defying gravity while his eyes were protected by bright blue goggles-possibly where the akuma was residing. More importantly, he seemed to be covered in electricity, which was gonna make it difficult to get any hits in. He also had a laptop with him- another contender for the akuma’s hiding place but most likely just a weapon.

Not Hawkmoth’s worst design, but it definitely wasn't his finest work either. Though to be fair she had run around in spotted spandex for two years before she found out she could change her costume, so those in glass houses she supposed.

Viperion, noticing the team leader's arrival began to fill her in on what they knew so far.

“They're calling themselves ‘Elect-Trick’, keeps sending out shockwaves to try and knock us back which is frustrating but our suits seem to take the brunt of it which helps but Neko’s staff is a no go at the moment since there's no way to know if it’ll conduct the electricity.”

It likely would, something they had found out the hard way during the last weather akuma they had to face. While magical it was still metallic in nature sadly, which meant she needed to also be careful with her yoyo. She still isn't really sure what it’s made of besides magic, but this was not the way she wanted to find out.

“Alright, in that case we’ll continue to keep him away from the Eiffel Tower, it’s likely the akuma’s going to try and use it as a large conductor. I’m gonna head down, stay up here and be ready to use your second chance at the signal.” She instructed

Viperion nodded and went back to watching the fight just as Ladybug swooped down to join in. She was just in time as the akuma had begun to corner Neko, who had no choice but to rely on playing defense while her staff was out of the mix. The two heroes nodded their heads in greeting as Ladybug yoyo-d her cat themed friend over putting the duo back on even ground with the villain, who seemed to be ranting about school elections of all things.

Which would be a probable explanation for the first half of his name.

The two continued to fight back against the akuma, neither side quite able to grab the upper hand. Ladybugs yoyo-as it turned out, did not conduct electricity afterall. And, seeing as it's practically indestructible she was able to land hits on the akuma without getting shocked. But the akuma had realized the issue with Neko’s staff and was using that to their advantage, aiming a decent chunk of their attacks at the cat hero which forced them to go back on the defense.

As the fight had been going for over an hour at this point, the spotted heroine decided to bring out the big guns. After doing a silent signal letting Viperion know to start his timer, she got in position to call on her lucky charm.

But she didn't get a chance to. Just as she went to throw her yoyo in the air, Viperion called out a warning that sent a feeling of dread through her.

“LB watch out, There's an amok headed straight for the computer!”  

Sure enough, there was an all too familiar purple feather floating through the air on track for the laptop that she quickly caught and purified it before it could land. Thank the Kwami for the power of second chance, nobody wanted to deal with a sentimonster on top of everything else tonight.

Keeping Kuro Neko on the lookout for anymore feathers, She finally activated her lucky charm. Throwing her yoyo up she manifests… a slingshot! She could work with that, just needed to find ammo. Looking around her eyes land firmly on the window of a small toyshop.

Bingo!

Having Viperion keeping an eye out in case he was needed temporarily as backup, she sneaks over and breaks the window with her yoyo. Typically, the heroine would feel bad about causing this much property damage but tonight she’s tired and wants to get this over with so she can make a plan of action for the whole ‘Mayura seems to be back’ thing with her team and maybe get at least a couple hours of sleep. Anyways her miraculous cure would fix the window and return the bouncy balls she was actively stealing so no harm done? After finishing committing what was technically a misdemeanor, she made her way over to the roof Viperion was on and handed off the slingshot supplies before making her way back down.

Luckily Neko had managed to keep Elect-Trick distracted enough for the team to catch him off guard. On Ladybugs call Viperion began to pelt the Akuma with rubber balls, drawing his sight away for long enough to tie him up and take his glasses. One cataclysm later, the teen had been successfully deakumatized and she was able to cast her cure, fixing the decent chunk of property damage caused that night. After making sure the teen was okay to get home safe and getting his address for the interview she would have to conduct later, she turned to her team.

“Good work today guys, let's meet back at base in 30.” Her eyes communicated the urgency of the meeting despite the neutral tone of voice she tried to maintain.

From there the teens all departed in separate directions to recharge their powers and head to the team's secret base.

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Okay so secret base was a bit of an overstatement. It is a secret place that the team uses as a base of operations but it was less of a Batcave and more of a repurposed hotel room in Le Grand Paris.

Chloe had brought up the idea after one too many close calls with Marinette's parents while the girls were investigating Hawkmoth. They needed a place to discuss hero work safely without having to talk in code but the question was where. Obtaining an apartment would be difficult as all of them but Luka were still underage, not to mention the issue of trying to pay rent without any parental suspicion. Luckily for Chloe, it's surprisingly easy to just claim a hotel room without being questioned when your Father owns the hotel.

And while it was no Batcave, it wasn't anything to scoff at either. The four teens had been able to pool together enough money in the beginning for the basics, which meant that now any small snuck away chunks of commission money, music gig payments, competition winnings, and allowances were all able to go to improving things bit by bit.

The room was already quite nice, having a separate bedroom that they used as a gym and a kitchenette that was kept well stocked with kwami snacks. Then there was the  main area, which had been split down the middle. The first side was dedicated to the investigation and housing Marinette's Guardian materials, While the second half was a hangout zone where they could chat or decompress after any particularly rough fights.

The base was also secure, Marinette had put so many spells and protections on the room with the help of the kwami that it might as well be a pocket dimension of sorts. The magical security system of sorts was extremely complicated, being tied to the teams auras in a way so that the only way to even find it without being one of them was to be taken there by Ladybug herself. It had taken weeks to pull off but was well worth it to give her team a place that was safe from the outside world.

Ladybug was the first to arrive this time, having flopped down into a chair at their meeting table as her two friends entered the room and joined her. They all sat there for a moment, processing the fact of Mayura’s return. Of course this would happen when they were down a member, it wasn't a complete surprise that the peacock miraculous would come back into play at some point but it was really bad timing.

“So what exactly is the plan?” Viperion asked, finally breaking the silence.

Ladybug sighed, knowing that their workload was going to increase once again. At least it was close to summer vacation.

“First we need to increase patrols- especially around the typical hot spots, Neko do you think we’ll be able to finish those jars by this time next week?”

The cat hero nodded “They're almost done, we’ll need to test them somehow though.”

The two of them had recently been working on a variation of an object enchantment technique mentioned in the grimoire. The original object was dubious in nature, having been used as a cage of sorts that kwami wouldn't be able to phase through. Marinette was disgusted by the thought, further feeding into some suspicions she had about the old order. As she was ranting about it to Kagami about it, her fencer friend got an idea for a way to repurpose the spell to trap akuma when Ladybug couldn't easily get to a fight. It would also allow them a new way to prevent possessions when Ladybug wasn't actively on patrol.

“That's good. Lastly I need Bee’s new number, I was going to ask you for it tomorrow but I need to give her a heads up to start on a new case file. We also might want to move up our plans to contact the heroes there.”

Kuro Neko quickly jotted down the number on a nearby notecard and handed it to Ladybug. After hammering out a few last details about their new patrol schedules the heroes were all free to head home for the night.

The trip home was uneventful, and she arrived home to see that it was just past midnight. She also noticed that her bath bomb had been fixed! It was sometimes a gamble on if something like that would count as akuma damage so it was a nice victory after the day she’s had.

Marinette quickly put in Chloe's number, eager to get to bed. She sent her blonde friend a summary on what happened and let her know to be on the lookout for an email tomorrow with the information to assemble a case file. And with that, Marinette drifted off to sleep.

She had made a small mistake though. In her tired state the young designer’s finger slipped, putting a 5 where there was meant to be a 4.

Meaning Chloe Bourgeois was not the recipient of her intended message.

Good thing she wrote the message in code?

----------

Across the ocean, Damian Wayne received a strange text message.

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