#I was literally fine the two days before
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Greetings fellow living beings, I am currently sick with something. (I did research and my symptoms mostly resemble strep throat. :D yay fun.) (I have been sick with strep throat so many times.) I had to be forced to stay home from school. (I quite enjoy school.) So all day my throat has been hurting and I've been feeling nauseous. (Which I hate having to feel.) But yeah, my responses to any notifications might be slightly slow. :D yay excitement. I also am so tired. (As if I didn't already struggle with getting sleep.) I hate having to be sick.
#hope you're having a great day/night#I feel like garbage :D#So frickin tired#Why do I always have to get sick when I don't need to be sick?#Raaaah#Disappointed in myself getting sick.#I was literally fine the two days before#I hope it isn't strep. I don't want to have to take the crappy antibiotics.
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Some (late) holiday photos of the boye~!
#cats#holiday#OUGHH....... barely could even get these edited and posted... my mysterious sickness flare up has been sooo bad the past few#days.. I didn't even go to the usual obligatory family christmas I was supposed to attend (!!! health issue/medical mention in tags below)#My stomach issues basically put me in a constant state of uncontrollable shivering/body shaking + nausea + sometimes rapid heart#rate. and when it happens at night that makes it like.. nearly impossible to sleep when you're violently shaking + you can feel your heart#so strong + you keep having to run to the bathroom every 5 minute to cough and gag#and throw up and so on and so forth. etc. So I went like 40 hours without any sleep almost for christmas eve and all of christmas day#last night I finally got maybe 2 hours of sleep in between the nausea and shaking and stuff. and then today I was able to get a few#hours of sleep in the afternoon. Today I tried taking an anxiety mediciation a doctor gave me in case it was anxiety related (it's apparent#ly used to relax people and works in the moment. rather than like Anxiety Mediciation that you have to take for weeks to see any effect#because I think this isn't actually acting on your brain chemistry it's judt like..a mild sedative or something.) but all that did was make#me dizzy and sweaty lol. I;m glad I slept a little but I'm just still frustrated that I don't feel normal. I started having these#'episodes' (with the stomach issues + shaking + heartrate + nausea etc.) like at the end of october. And usually it will happen for like a#few hours at a time. or i'll lose sleep one day and then be fine the next. but this has been like nearly 3 days of feeling weird. so is#getting kind of annoying... It's funny too because I was so so productive like.. literally the few days before. I was feeling much better#and I was working on my game and blah blah. But then.. random issue flare up out of nowhere of course.. yaayy.... happy holidays to meee lo#I did at least see two random ducks outside of my window in the yard area for christmas. and havent seen them since. So it's like.. hrmm..#pacing around my room nauseous and shakings and etc. but at least... hello.. two little ducks placed there just for me :3c#Now I get anxiety every night which I'm sure doesn't help/could exacerbate whatever underlying genuinely physical issues exist. But after#like 2 nights of 'I spend the night sleepless and incredibly uncomfortable just sitting in the dark sick' then bedtime is like.. dread...#I even was trying slapping myself in the face in desperation to see if somehow that could shock my body out of whatever the hell it was#doing lol.. up at 3am holding ice cubes in my hand and hitting myself in the head and crying from exhaustion and thowing up.. literally#ridiculous cartoon character feeling... AAANYWAY!!! At least I have baby boy pictures. and I have lots of doctors appointments so hopefully#whatever the issue is can be sorted out at some point. I don't know much about ibs but hopefully maybe something like that that I could pos#ibly take medication for and not something more seirous or anything. Maybe there's a food I'm secretly intolerant to or whatever.#And I did at least post a sims holday video actually timed for the holidays so that's something. I havent been productive really latrely#though obviously.. I can't even play games or small tasks when in that state since I'm just SO physically uncomfortable. Nausea and heart#stuff are THE hardest physical sensations to ignore.. BUT yeah... hoping I shall sleep at all tonight. hopeing to get like 3 productive#things done.. at some point... at least SOMETHING... lol..... *** *** ***
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ripping this moment to shreds with my teeth
#OUGH YGHHHH ARGHHHH UGHHH RHRGRHRRHHRRRGRHRGHRRGHRH#sorry but im forever thinking about this literally tattooed this moment on my skin forever it means everything to me#one day we will unpack my obsession with murderous prettyboys who scratch their own skin bloody in moments of despair#cause their own downfall with their carelessness and their closest loyal friends' deaths with their fucked up ambition#and attempt suicide after their fall from grace#(they also fuck highborn women and have a weird gay thing going on with their misogynistic bestie. btw)#so yes we will unpack that but not today thanks. its not illegal to want to chew on murderous femboys yet#the three musketeers#vicomte de bragelonne#alexandre dumas#aramis i like you a normal amount king haha im unwell#anyway the fact that i could have just let this hyperfixation go a year ago and been totally fine and at peace with it#if sofia hadnt organised a playdate for her two coolest mutuals who hadnt known each other before...
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the internet: yeah to practise harm reduction you go for areas that have more flesh to avoid going too deep and needing medical attention
me, an idiot: let's pick this spot anyway, how bad can it be. ...how did i get that deep that quickly
#tw sh#im fine although there was definitely a moment where i worried i wouldn't be#when you grab a rag and put pressure on it and a few minutes later move your hand and discover it was completely soaked and your hand#is all bloody now too. anyway it stopped shortly after that#someone told me recently that the width they'll start considering sutures is like 5mm which seems??? so odd to me??? like that's tiny??#anyway i didn't go as deep as the last two times yet so it's fine#(i also have a horrible habit of repeatedly going over the same place for several days afterwards so that will probably change)#but eh im fine#i was just surprised by how deep it got how quickly#also something i find funny: the way nurse brain doesn't shut off#'will i pick here - no wait that's near an artery/vein/nerve'#'or here - no wait that's too close to a good cannulation site'#'here - no too close to deltoid'#personal#puddleglum hours#but yeah i really am fine#although i have thoroughly discovered the allure of arm cutting so. we'll see#in my usual scintillating cleverness i literally thought about visibility this time bc it's nearly short sleeve weather and nobody knows im#going this deep. except my mentor and my sister. but they both only know about the first time#however i did not consider. that most of my clothing does not have as long a short sleeve as my placement uniform. so im gonna either#have to be real careful about what clothing i pick for the next. oh month or two. since the first one was end of august and it's a month an#a bit later and it's still got a while of healing to go before i can wear short sleevs and pretend the scar was from months an months ago i#asked. anyway!#play stupid games you win stupid prizes
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I’m picking up way more Norwegian than i expected watching Skam. I fully expected that I’d watch the entire series once through understanding practically nothing of the audio and then in subsequent rewatches after having really picked up my studies (I’m at zero studies rn) start picking up words and phrases.
I’ve already got the days of the week, quite a few personal pronouns, several variations of hello and goodbye, some numbers, variations of yes and no, please and thank you, sorry, and a few short phrases (it’s all right, are you ok. Are you sure- that kind of thing) that I can understand while having looked away from the screen and missed the subtitle, and I’m only in episode 7.
#I do understand that Norwegian is super complex and any beginners luck I’m having here is temporary#but I’m also encouraged that I’m starting to pick up basics#and if after some deep study I went and just thrown-off-the-deep-end immersed myself I’d probably not die#and like I KNOW the majority of Norwegians speak english way better than I’ll ever speak Norwegian#and in daily interactions I wouldn’t HAVE to be fluent#but if I ever traveled there/lived there I’d want to understand enough to watch tv and understand the news and just be normal there#also I think if I ever did move there I would tell all my friends to force me to speak Norwegian 100% with them#because that’s how I got fluent in Spanish#I was CONVERSATIONAL and probably a B1 before I went to Guatemala#my friend (english but living in Guatemala) took our other english speaking friend with her one day#and looked at me and was like ‘you speak enough Spanish you will be fine’ and sent me off with her friends who knew not one word of english#the ‘speak or die’ panic immersion after the first 12 hours had me LITERALLY forgetting words in english already#I was SO TERRIFIED at the start of the day like buddy I don’t speak THAT much Spanish to abandon me to the wolves#but being FORCED to do it reprogrammed my brain so drastically that I was scoring a C2 by the time I got home#it was that first 12 hours of complete immersion that made something in my brain just switch off english#my inner voice itself swapped to Spanish#something about my subconscious realizing ‘english will not help you here—don’t worry I’ll delete it for extra space’#so for the rest of the trip I never spoke another word of English and was confidently chatting and bartering with the sales people#and any word I didn’t know I just described in Spanish like my brain didn’t even provide me with the english word#and as soon as the person I was talking to told me the right word for what I was describing#that word encoded instantly#it was an amazing bypass of having to translate in and out of English#I could have probably spent two months there fumbling around and not learned much without that day-2-of-the-trip 12 hours of immersion
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I think my least favorite thing about having depression is that when I’m depressed it can never be “a little depressed” like I have to be going over the deep end or completely fine
#I am fine because I know I’ll be fine I’m a get day hopefully#but sometimes I wanna claw my skin off my body#it does genuinely confuse me because like#how can I can go from happy to being completely consumed by depression and intrusive thoughts in like two days#I have no clue what’s up with me#I can never be regular depressed it always have to be like this#things will be okay#life will go on#I will smile again and feel it#i literally did a few days ago#I’m not worried bout how I feel#just the anxiety stuff#I feel like I should be but I’m gonna see how long it lasts before my make tgat judgement#I’ve been emotion posting on tumblr do much recently what’s my deal#oh well#anyway I dunno why I’m feeling like this there’s no trigger I don’t think#just feels like a cloud over my head with a very very bad storm#but I’ll wake up soon enough and there will be flowers and I’ll smell them and be happy#just have to be patient even if knowing that doesn’t do anything
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What does a man have to do not to live in constant dread
#this is about school#mostly#i hate it here chat#what am i to do#someone.....if you have any advice... please#i have an oral test tomorrow i have to learn by heart two texts in chinese and learn 100 new vocabulary words#help. drowning#literally#can no longer keep it up#for the record I'm demotivated because my efforts never take me to satisfactory results#and yea sure nothing changes overnight#but like. I've been trying for at least 8 years now? aren't things supposed to get better after a while I'm trying?#I've tried changing methods eh#anyways. unsatisfactory results. and it gets frustrating because I feel so disappointing because I know before starting that I won't be abl#to do The Thing. get to complete homework? memorise something? BE ABLE TO FUCKING TALK LIKE A NORMAL PERSON WHO KNOWS HOW TO TALK???#you name it. i just can't do it#in school specifically but outside too#only outside of school i don't whip my ass about it because who fucking cares#but this is something that will influence my future chances of getting jobs too#like i cant talk the way i do in a job interview nobody's going to think i have basic communication skills or even basic human skills at al#ah nevermind it's fine#I'll find a way#some day#i guess#the unsilly
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yall r jorking my peanits right now im never watching tutorials again my binder fucking fits the peopl lied to me,,,
#ive never put on a binder before#so i looked up how to#and it told me#so i did it#didn't fit#and tofay i figured i needed to know where it didn't fit#so i tried putting it on my own way....#it fits fine#i have room actually#im literally killing myself what he fuck ive spent the last two days thinking i was a loser fat ugly cow but nooo#anyway#it fits#lets freaking gi#bugs junk#tw ed implied
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lads i think we might be pulling an all nighter for this one 💪💪💪💪💪💪💪💪💪💪💪💪💪💪💪💪💪💪💪
#I have way too much I need to do and I did not get enough done on the weekend#Do I have a presentation in my first class tomorrow? Sure do!#I'm sure I'll be fine and I won't sleep through it because I've definitely never slept through this class before#i have two physics assignments to do#and a 3D modeling assignment I need to finish#and I need to finish my sketches#AND figure out what the FUCK I'm gonna do for my other class#bitch this is graphic design class why are we making a physical model.......#I've kind of just resigned myself to getting not great grades in my design class#it's fine because im gonna switch and do engineering and not hate it#I also have other shit I need to do that isn't hmwk but is. Things I should do sooner then later#oh also fn fact the hearing in my left ear has been muffled for the past 3 days#so tomorrow I'm gonna get that checked out yipee#it's probably a buildup of wax but idk how to get rid of that#last time I tried dropping warm water in my ear when it was muffled it made it Worse soooooo#lilac post#god I wish caffeine worked on me. wouldn't that be nice#I've literally just been having oc and toh brainrot#i can't get these damn blorbos off mine mind...
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I will be forever grateful i can be on this new med. it's one a lot of folks also need and can struggle to have access to! It's important i be on it, especially if i start doing any vid collabs
(some of which, really, all of which, i unfortunately actually need to cancel that were in the preplanning stages, bc the election results have me wanting to wait and see how the general atmosphere of the country is before i agree to meet up with anyone. I feel bad for cancelling, but also i just can't know for sure how safe things are/might be going forward and I'd rather avoid the potential of. ya know. various not great things that could happen at a meet up, tho i would certainly hope they wouldn't. i don't feel like actually addressing them rn, u guys know what i mean)
That said, if the truvada initial side effects could fuck off asap would be so lovely. three weeks at worst, then they should be gone/much better or so i am told. really hope that's true bc losing my mornings to being dizzy and nauseous is Not Working for me lmao. im on week two, and now understand why my new doc said to call if i needed any 'cheerleading' and support to get thru the side effects, bc apparently she's done that for several ppl to make sure they actually make it thru the three weeks and keep on it (lovely of her!!)
#text post#not going to get into the other painful smack of this morning#suffice to say that medicaid does not in fact fully cover vocal therapy/training for trans ppl#even if ur docs feel incredibly certain it is#if i was making a decent bit over minimum wage at consistent hours and already had my current debts paid off mostly#then I'd happily consider paying the chunk Medicaid won't cover but as of now#it would literally be basically two paychecks if not three to cover the estimate for this first visit#and that's only if the poll would have us polling every week like we did before the election#otherwise we're guesstimating it would be upwards of 4 paychecks to cover it#I'm actually gonna get into in here bc nobody reads all my tag essays (fair valid and correct)#im really sad abt this. my voice gets me clocked a lot and while i can mostly handle like. visually being clocked#my voice giving me away genuinely makes me feel a pain in my chest. i can't get my customer service voice to go lower yet#and even if it's my usual voice I've made minimal progress on my own self done vocal study stuff#so like. no one knows how high it was compared to how it is now tho so no one actually hears it as anything near deep#which it isn't but like. there's been a slightly barely there drop of it per at least a couple ppl in my life#i was probably going to be able to learn how to sing again and find my new range. I'd fix my customer service voice#even if it would only ever be a teeny bit lower than how it is now. it would be lovely#im not gonna get too down tho bc someday hopefully I'll be able to make it happen/afford it#and for now...im doing the bad thing of not cancelling the appt yet#i will bc they're booking out for months and it isn't right of me to take a spot i know i can't keep#but. let me pretend i can for another day or two. maybe until monday. then I'll call or msg them on mychart#and let them know i just don't have the funds rn tho i do deeply appreciate that Medicaid at least pays part of it#im just not at a point where i can cover the rest but that I'll reschedule/have a new referral sent whenever that changes#...and hopefully things in this country will be of such a state that such care is still available to ppl like me.#but that's all we're saying on that bc im already having a pathetic little cry over this#(im fine the med side effects have me crying over everything lol i see a sad commercial and Instant Tears like someone died lmaooo)
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body let me sleep pls
#logbook#went to rb a flower pic but then i actually read the descrip without my glasses even and uh. no lol#'the amazing expeditioners of an early century who totally discovered this flower before anyone else and also all on their own' wtf#just say its named after them not that they're amazing. going to go back to sleep a fucking plant post on tumblr.com making me mad#woke up bc ive been having literal hate dreams abt work and being angry and stressed abt work.#i legit have not stopped thinking abt work even when i clocked out. im soo. . .this week was so upsetting. truly.#im probably going to get up and go back to sleep later. take a nap midday#i really dont want to leave the house at all but i probably will have to go out and do some errands. yesterday i spent my whole day at rents#which. fuck me man now i have one day to get stuff done. its fine cause i did some stuff but still. im exhausted and havent had a day to me.#guess if i do stuff today then i just allow myself to rest after work this week. or i can run an errand or two the next few days.#whatever. hello im alive just mad abt it lol
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stabbing my lab partners with a plastic fork
#personal#the engineering chronicles#one of them is sick which is fine obviously but it does suck bc she’s my lab partner in this class and another class so i was up literally#all night yesterday working on the lab due this morning and now im probably abt to pull another all nighter#doing This lab and my other lab partner is trying to argue the two of us should just work from home since one of us isn’t here already but#the last time we decided to work from home it was utterly disastrous and we stayed up all night anyway and only got our demo prepared in#time bc we were one of the last groups my prof checked and even then part of the demo was not Correct. like. ALSO this particular lab is mcu#to mcu communication and technically i Have two mcus bc we bought new kits for this class even tho most of it is the same as a class we took#before but i gave my working extra mcu to my lab partner a few weeks ago bc he blew out some of the pins on his and only had the one mcu on#him so now i just have my usual mcu and his broken mcu that isn’t totally busted but idk How busted it is so i could very well end up#totally wasting my time if i work from#home instead of the two of us meeting and working together with two mcus we know work :/#also he texted earlier today that he could meet after 6 so i was there all day waiting for him like if you’re not coming say that!! why are#you waiting until i text asking where you are to tell me you don’t want to meet up after all
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I need to go. Store.
#i need another suit case#and i have to buy formal clothes. for the job that im getting fired from. like i literally only have one or two days left (they still#havnt actually told me the day l o l) but i have to fucking show up in formal clothes so that they can take pictures even though im not even#gonna BE there :(#i wanna get candy for my students too.#and i still need to have lesson plans for my last day.#my new job is live streaming so that should be fun but the set up gives me the hebbie jeebies cajse of past shit so im a little worried.#should be fine though.#im a little shook up. today. im hoping ill feel better.#life is quiet though. its calm.#but i need to pack all my shit up and clean.#my mom is coming in a week or so. she wont be here for Halloween thankfully#i dont know what to do with my self. idk if ive ever been this. awake. before.#usually i watch over the garden wall and make my self some soup or something on my birthday. and just do my best to ignore everything#but its just. its fine. ill be fine nothing js really that bad. it just feels that way.#oh im gonna go find some alter wrote forever ago i think that will help.#i need to go to the store#i miss a person whos never existed#maybe ill actually be able to settle in to my new job#i also want to start taking Mandarin lessons. but i keep forgetting
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i'm going to the dentist tomorrow and being really brave about it. extremely. because i need to get my wisdom teeth out very soon but i have to do a consultation first. i'm being brave. i promise. i'm brave...... :(
#wish me luck.....im actually going to cry#soooooo like i have a blood phobia which makes me really afraid to go to the doctor#also i didnt have insurance until i moved to japan LOL.#so there's a bunch of weird stuff and associations i have with going to get my Health Checked#we have mandatory yearly health checkups and in my town everyone signs up for a day/time and goes to a big gym#and you wait in line with all these doctors who test your hearing and pee and lungs etc#but also your blood#last year i had only lived in fukushima for two months or so#and i was really dreading the checkup but i was being brave because it's MANDATORY i have no choice#(also free yay)#but when they drew my blood i literally fainted in front of everyone#i didnt realize i was going to do that because i haven't in a really long time#even though i was crying while waiting my turn because i was so scared 😭😭😭😭#anyways it was actually so terrifying because people were saying things that i couldnt understand while i was basically on the ground#the doctor later told me my heart rate was so fast he thought i was going to have a heart attack and almost called an ambulance#but i was like no lol i just have a phobia. and he was like umm can you tell us next time?#my bad#anyways he told me to stay home for the rest of the day so i did#it also happened to be the day before the school festival#so when i came the next day everyone rushed up to me and was like ARE YOU OKAY#and i was confused like yeahhhh im fine i just got a little sick haha#but it turns out there was a rumor that i was carried away in an ambulance from fainting lmfao#like nah one of my coworkers just drove me back home lol#very long story just to say....#im going to faint again probably. even though it's just a consolation.#text
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I'm about to be so annoying btw
#by this I mean I'm going to talk about my job until it's no longer new and exciting sorry guys#but this is literally the first good thing to happen to me in MONTHS#shit has been so bad like SO unbelievably bad for a WHILE#like. not only do I have a job (!!!!!!) but it actually seems like a really good fit for me and what I need#like. the hours aren't horrible and in fact I could stand to have more of them#the pay isn't *good* but it's not the worst I've ever made for sure#the work environment though... that's where it gets me. because I get to just be one guy in a store interacting with customers and literally#nobody else#for most of my workday#like. no small talk except for with customers. no learning about my coworker's stupid life. no trying to get along with someone for the sake#of work#like. I just get to be alone and sell shit and when it's slow I get to organize shit like. hello??? yes please#I don't have to be micromanaged because I'm literally alone. like. god I'm so excited#plus it's similar to work I've done before. so. yay#I do really like the coworker I've met before though. he's very sedate and has excellent customer service.#which I know bc every time my mom shops there and he's the one working he's very genial and nice#definitely good at his job. but I wouldn't be surprised if he was getting high in the back or something lmao#he's just so calm ive never met a dude more chill like. he seems like the exact opposite of anxious#and then my other coworker I haven't met yet but I'm sure she's fine.#I do like my boss though! and she's only my boss until they get another manager bc she's actually the manager at another location too#she's just filling in here while they look for another manager#but I like her she was extremely up-front and no-nonsense and plainly stated exactly what she needs from an employer#employee*#which is honestly such a relief like my last job I felt like I had no clue what people wanted from me and it was horrible#but this seems better so far#also I know for a fact I beat out two other people who had interviews the same day and I was so much the preferred choice#that she didn't even wait to decide or anything#she called me like a few hours after my interview ended like. that 3rd person left and she immediately hired me instead lol#which I have to admit does feel good after so long feeling inadequate and unhirable.#I am more hirable than at least two people. so THERE
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.
#today was such a long fucking day and i was made so fucking uncomfortable i literally threatened to walk out of a fucking funeral#i got told im dressed inappropriately just because im perceived as a girl and i was wearing pants#PANTS.#theres no such thing as a funeral dress code that prevents me from wearing pants. people just didnt like it#i got told by two extended family members that i was inappropriate. and later also by my mom#who didnt say anything when they picked me up. it was fine by her at that time but later when others said it wasnt fine? yeah#im so fucking tired man#i know the extended half family doesnt like me ive always been a black sheep but this just. yeah#at a funeral no less#i dont want to see these people ever again im so fucking tired. i dont want to see anyone ever again tbh#just let me sleep forever and rot away please im tired#sorry my headache makes me angry and upset just. its all just so much#im just glad this whole hassle is over and i dont have to think about this anymore. but between all the stress and anxiety and grief#and everything else? yeah this. this aint it fam#im so mentally fucking shot i just want to sleep but my body is still kinda in a fight or flight mode with this and the grief its so hard#and my head hurts. so yeah. i dont fucking know#i just need someone to hold me before i combust#again sorry#night is an absolute mess on main
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