#I was diagnosed with autism so apparently it’s autism music

[dipstick-ditz]

OMFG MY FRIEND WAS VISITING HER MOM AT THE HOSPITAL ABD SHE STARTED TALKING ABOUT GETTING AN AUTISM DIAGNOSIS RIGHT? WELL HER DAD SAID HER MUSIC SOUNDED AUTISTIC AND SHE SAID “Oh you wanna hear something really autistic?” AND STARTED PLAYING ISOTOPE FROM THE FNF HYPNOS LULLABY MOD

MIND YOU THAT SONG PLAYS OFTEN IN MY CAR WHEN I DRIVE HER AROUND AND HER MOM APPARENTLY HAD A HORRIFIED DACE

[birdofmay]

30 Days of Autism Acceptance 2023

Hello, apparently I act as a substitute teacher this autism acceptance month 😄 @autie-j is busy, so my therapist and I spontaneously thought of 30 questions for 2023 - to be "published" before 1 April 2023 starts in the timezone UTC+14. Which... wasn't much time. If you see this, we made it! 😎

Rules:

Copy and paste the question you want to answer into an own post - this means don't answer via reblog!

You can answer as many or as few as you like. No force, for real.

Tag your post as #30daysofautismacceptance and #2023

1 April: The typical introduction question! Tell us something about yourself. If you can't think of anything, try these: What do you enjoy to do in your free time? What music or series/show do you like? Are you happy with your current living situation/the people you live with? What's one of your favourite foods?

2 April: When were you diagnosed and when did you know that you're autistic? If you're self-diagnosed, when did you first suspect that you're autistic and when were you sure?

3 April: How good or bad is your memory for things people say? For example verbal instructions. If you're deaf: Can you lip read? Do you think your autism influences your ability to lip read?

4 April: Were/are you in special education? Regular school? Home schooled? A private school? Did it change over time? Did/do you like it?

5 April: Did/do you have accommodations at school/IEP? If not, do you think it would help/have helped you?

6 April: Can you understand what people say when they talk fast, or do you lose track after a while? Was it different when you were younger? Additional question if your hearing is aided: If your hearing is aided, does that trigger sensory overloads sometimes?

7 April: Do you have other diagnoses? What are they? Do you think that some could be incorrect?

8 April: Do you struggle to read long texts or are you one of those people who can read everything with ease (Braille counts too of course)? If you're blind, do you struggle to pay attention when a screen reader reads a long text, or is it ok?

9 April: Did an interest ever turn into an "obsession" for you? If not, do you regularly experience hyperfocus when you engage in your special interest? If nothing applies, tell us about your longest interest, no matter if it's a special interest or not!

10 April: Can you understand speech when there is background noise? If you're deaf: Could you understand speech when you were younger? If your hearing is aided: Does the sound make listening to speech uncomfortable to you?

11 April: If you learned to speak as a child (definition for this post: the ability to use spontaneous speech (mouth words) to communicate in at least two-word sentences), did your ability to speak improve after that, stayed the same, decrease, or did something happen that you can't speak at all anymore now?

If you never learned to speak, did it take you a while to find a good communication method (for example sign language didn't work, communication board was too confusing, but AAC device is ok)?

12 April: Were/are you in speech therapy? If so, for what? If not, do you think speech therapy could have helped you?

13 April: How important are routines to you? Are your routines more based on time ("I always do this at 6pm!"), on habits ("I always drink from this cup!") or both?

14 April: If you learned to speak as a child, were you a late talker, average age, or did you speak at a really young age? If you never learned to speak, how do you communicate? For example an AAC device, sign language, a communication board, etc.

15 April: If you can perceive the facial expression of others and learned to recognise the meaning to a degree, did you learn that in social skills training, by your own "hard work", or was it a mix of both? Are there patterns that you understand intuitively (for example recognising fear because it's not so different from how you behave when you feel fear)? - if this question doesn't apply to you, you have a day off! :)

16 April: If you can perceive the facial expression of others, but struggle to learn the meaning, are there strategies you use to at least guess if the person reacts in a good, neutral or bad way to you (for example to spot if you made someone angry by accident)? Do you rely on how their voice sounds as a backup? - if this question doesn't apply to you, not even in your childhood, you have a day off! :)

17 April: If you can't perceive the facial expression of others (for example because you focus too much on details, struggle to perceive people in general, or because you're blind), do you pay attention to the tone of their voice? Can you hear if someone is angry if they don't tell you? - if this question doesn't apply to you, you have a day off! :)

18 April: If you can perceive the facial expression of others, how long does it take you to spot a pattern in new people (for example you observe someone for a while and at some point you know "This person is insecure because they always have that look when they're insecure")? - if this question doesn't apply to you, you have a day off! :)

19 April: Did your ability to express yourself improve or worsen/deteriorate over time? Or did it stay the same? Is it different depending on how you communicate (spoken language, written language, signed...)?

20 April: If you can (or could when you were younger) say words with your mouth (echolalia counts), did/do you have a monotone or "odd" voice, speak too loudly/softly, etc.? Did/do you practice to modulate your voice?

21 April: If you can (or could when you were younger) say words with your mouth, did/do you struggle to pronounce words or sounds? For example r, th, s, etc. - if this question doesn't apply to you, you have a day off :)

22 April: If you can speak (the ability to use spontaneous speech (mouth words) to communicate in at least two-word sentences), do you experience speech loss/verbal shutdowns, etc.? Meaning that you normally can speak, but sometimes you suddenly can't anymore. Semiverbal/semispeaking people and unreliably speaking people (apraxia), you count as "speaking" if you can use spontaneous(!) speech most of the time.

If you can't speak, are there times when communication suddenly is harder than usual? If not, was it different when you were younger?

23 April: Do you have balance issues? If not, was it different when you were younger?

24 April: How did your fine motor skills develop? Were you one of the first kids who could tie their shoe laces or do you think you'll probably never learn it? This is an "open question", if you want to ramble, start rambling.

25 April: How did your gross motor skills develop? Did you walk early or did you struggle to walk (if you can walk)? Do you have a bad posture? This is another "open question".

26 April: If you're interested in other people/want contact, how do you normally make contact with others? Do you stay where you are and hope that they approach you, or do you approach them?

If you're not interested in other people, do others respect and understand that? Were you negatively affected by the "autistics are very social actually and want friends, they just don't know how to do that!" mentality (for example that everyone tries to force social interactions because they think you secretly want social contacts)?

27 April: If you have/want real-life friends, how much contact is important for you and when is it too much? Do/would you miss your friends if you wouldn't see each other in person for a while?

28 April: As a child, did you tend to express yourself overly formally? Or did you struggle with grammar? Did you "borrow" words and expressions from other people or media, or did you make up your own words? Or both?

29 April: Was your hand-eye coordination delayed or maybe is still impaired? This includes things like throwing and catching a ball, putting a key into a lock without missing it, etc. Everything where your brain needs to process what your eyes see so that your hands can adjust what they do. If you're blind, tell us if you think your autism made it harder for you to estimate where things are, using your hands.

30 April: If you're interested in other people/want contact, did you try to make friends on your own when you were younger, or didn't you initiate anything because you didn't know what to do?

If you're not interested in other people, did/do you still enjoy online contact? If not, did/do people assume you're lonely and try to interact with you all the time?

[neve-0001]

INTRO POST... (and I'm going on a break!)

hi! so I do realise I never properly introduced myself. I'm Neve, I'm a guy, he/him. mainly an artist, but I also write, and I'm part of a theatre ensemble as part of my college, therefore I am formally studying theatre and performance. I'm also formally studying English at an advanced level and psychology.

I have diagnosed ADHD, and I may have autism (ask my psychiatrist, he's apparently not sure yet. It's on provision.) put simply, I'm a gay man, but I also identify as demirose (demisexual and demiromantic)

this blog is my beetlejuice brainrot as it's been my special interest for a while, so you'll mostly see my beeJ art here.

I'm also making a new blog @neve-offline for other miscellaneous stuff. if anything, I think you'll get to know me far better on there. it may turn into a spam account, who knows! I'd love to interact with moots more.

CURRENT SPECIAL INTERESTS:

• English literature and linguistics

• Theatre and Performance

• Beetlejuice (Mostly the musical)

• School of Rock (Mostly the musical)

• Alex Brightman (yes, the guy himself)

CURRENT/PAST HYPERFIXATIONS which I will put into one bullet point because there are too many

• murder drones, fnaf, hamilton, fnf, nirvana, bo burnham, tadc, betta fish, tbhk, YoI, etc. I'm blanking rn.

I am going on break from this account as college has put far too much on my plate to be able to create fully rendered drawings. I might post beeJ sketches here instead as that way I'll be able to consistently pump out more content. I know tumblr people need something to feed on. I gotchu.

um... how does one end such a post... ily guys? sorry for the lack of content gahhhhh

[skenisasleb]

Heya Tumblr doomscrollers!!

Here’s some stuff about me you should know. :>

Rick Simper Alert 😇

(and very big tone tag user)

Socials:

Character.ai acc: @skenisasleb

Or here’s one of my bots to find me easier:

YouTube: lilypad

Toyhou.se: XSkenIsASlebX

Artfight: skenisasleb

Identification:

Gender: Agender!

I can be called whatever you prefer me to be. You can use any pronouns for me. Including Bingus. Especially Bingus./j

Age: 17; which means I am a minor.

Tone Tags I Use:

/j = joking

/jbiw = joking but i wish

/srs = serious

/nsrs = not serious

/ot = off topic

/sms = save my soul

/silly = being silly

/q = quote

/lyr = lyric

/idk = idk whats wrong with me lol

/p = platonic

/isimdrnlnmjakeiafbifb = I sit. In my desolate room. No lights? NO MUSIC?? JUST ANGER!!! Killed everyone…. I’m away forever….. BUT IM FEELING BETTER— (mostly a dumbass joke tag)

Mental ailments (😔): Neurodivergent; ADHD and autism (I only suspect it though; I am not professionally diagnosed)

Though my ADHD is much more apparent, so sorry if I make no sense sometimes LMAO

Interests:

My interests change way too fast. Sorry if anyone follows me for a specific thing; I will most likely bail on that thing eventually 😭😭 (hyperfixations go brr)

Toilet Bound Hanako-kun

South Park

Raggedy Ann & Andy

FNAF

Evil Dead

Camp Camp

Invader Zim

Bravest Warriors

Cult of the Lamb

Rick and Morty

Moral Orel

Adventure Time

Over the Garden Wall

Smiling Friends

Ok Ko

Scott Pilgrim

Steven Universe

Good Omens

Popee the Performer

The Fifth Element

Craig of the Creek

Bluey

Friday Night Funkin’

Kick Buttowski (guilty pleasure show fr LMFAO)

The Amazing Digital Circus

Lackadaisy

Ranboo Generation Loss

Cuptoast

That’s Not my Neighbor

Mob Psycho 100

Roblox Regretevator

The Stanley Parable

Yaelokre

Music:

Wargasm (UK)

Lovejoy (Not a DSMP fan; just like the sound and Wilbur)

Kings of Leon

TV Girl

Mac DeMarco

The Killers

Arctic Monkeys

Paramore

Vacations

The Strokes

Fwango

Yaelokre

See my profile description for current hyperfixations and current status on art requests!!

Also, you can ship my OCs, canon or not, as long as its not sexual ^^

I ALSO HAVE THE RIGHT TO DECLINE CERTAIN ART REQUESTS, WHETHER BECAUSE IT’S INAPPROPRIATE OR SIMPLY BECAUSE I AM NOT INTERESTED. These are art requests, not commissions.

(I will add anything new to this if I feel the need to add more!)

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for lightly punching/pushing my twin brother?

So, me (15f) and my twin brother (15ftm) don't have a good relationship. He always complains about me playing loud music when no one else is home, which I think he's doing on purpose to annoy me. He says that it 'hurts his ears' but he's never been diagnosed with any hearing issues and he went to the doctor about a year ago.

I have anger issues and he knows it. When he insists that I turn down the volume, it makes me REALLY mad and I end up punching him, pushing him or insulting him.

He literally knows this will happen, if he doesn't want that he should know better and not provoke me. He then whines about me punching him or calling him autistic (OBVIOUSLY meaning dumb and sensitive, but he apparently takes it literally and asks me if I even know what autism is).

I call him a crybaby because that's literally what he is, to clarify I PUNCH HIM LIGHTLY. I've never hurt him badly. He says that I left a big bruise (hand sized) on his leg but he never showed it because 'it faded away' (like 2 weeks had passed, I don't think big bruises disappear that quickly), so he's probably lying to make me feel like shit.

He also calls me stuff like "intolerant" and sometimes laughs at me when I'm mad (he says that I do it too but it's fair on my side: if he wants to get mad I'll make him mad).

AITA?

What are these acronyms?

[transingthoseformers]

I've considered Shockwave autistic, and seen convincing posts about why Soundwave and G1 Starscream are also autistic.

I want to write them as autistic, but despite being autistic myself i don't know how to write autism or come up with stims/traits without coming off like a checklist. I have the same problem with Perchance To Dream's OC protagonist Shaft.

But propably more importantly, all the continuities. Should their autisms be the same in all alternate universes, or should clearly different versions (especially the SG versions, canon SGs or SGs of random continuities) have different traits and stims?

(I don't even recognize my own stims and i must be misunderstanding what meltdown and shutdown are because i genuinely don't remember experiencing either, and don't seem to have any huge sensory issues at least not anymore as an adult, despite the fact i'm officially diagnosed)

I think you said somewhere that you're autistic? Any help? When i post questions on #actuallyautistic, i just get empty likes.

I am indeed autistic as well! Though I do have to say the way it was described to me was "barely autistic" so sorry if my descriptions of stuff aren't accurate

I'm not the best judge of writing characters as autistic on purpose (I've definitely done it before in hindsight) but now that I realize it I'm running into the checklist effect too and I'm starting to realize that's part of it lol

I feel like it would be different across continuity and Baseline v shattered glass, especially in regards to the three characters you mentioned above being quite different in SG than their baseline appearances.

So there's that damn list

So far what I've got:

For sensory issues, for me it's a "mmhm that's the Devil™️ now" thing and I'll avoid them like fuck. Maybe mecha question why Shockwave has to leave the room when That One Machine needs to be turned on, or Starscream never flies when it snows because it makes his plating seem to itch. If the character is forced to go, they will be incredibly uncomfy the entire time and even a bit after.

I have... So many bad memories of meltdowns. Everything's Too Fucking Much™️ and people treat you like a dick for little things pushing you over the edge. Especially in an environment as unforgiving as the decepticons.

I've talked about the bots stimming on this blog before but: I'm gonna ~science~ this out but it's probably a good idea to identify why said character is stimming. Are they excited? Are they upset? Are they trying to focus on something? Maybe it's clicking a pen, wiggling their finials, flicking their wings, hand flapping because I definitely do that a lot

Actually now that I realize it a lot of my posts during the second earthspark drop come off as me having been very overstimulated, I think I at that point accidentally overexcited myself into a panic attack lol (that happens)

A lot of their personalities do honestly come off as autistic so a great deal of the work is there

Barely related but apparently talking super loud is an autism thing??? And I used to get yelled at a LOT for that, so I'm either super quiet or super loud, and I say this because I feel like that's pretty g1 Starscreamcore or however you say it. Starscream's LOUD and a damn mood.

Also dunno if this is related but: you can totally say Soundwave uses loud music to try and drown out auditory sensory triggers because not only do I do that but because that's a thing I've heard of

[demonsteapot]

What type of music do you like / have you been jamming to recently? Any recommendations?

(my internet died halfway through this so i nearly had to rewrite it)

you caught me at a bad time i was schmooving to a sewerslvt playlist yesterday ;-;

okay to be serious for a moment. uh. i don't think i have super good or interesting (or normal) tastes in music? i can point you to some of the things i think are cool and good, and i can also point you to things that i listen to for mood.

ive also probably mentioned some of these before (probably all of them?) so sorry if there's repeats

(okay this ended up being longer than expected so cut vv)

good (mostly not depressing stuff?):

Bill Wurtz – weirdly dreamlike jazzy stuff (?) i recommend 'At the Corner Store' and then i recommend you listen to all his other stuff

Ujico*/Snail's House: ive probably ranted about this guy before; 'Cosmo Funk' is probably your entry level snails house song. sweet adorable future bass, my go to for free serotonin

Heaven Pierce Her – Ultrakill: Violence, the game's newest EP. generally melancholic but really sick especially in context. 'War Without Reason' is probably my new favourite track in the whole game? (you can tell i like amen breaks lol)

also ofc i have to mention john / TOOBOE!! shout out to @donutinsideofashark for introducing me to this guy. some recs: 'Tablet', 'Roman', and 'Appare kanpai' – stuff goes hard and makes me wish i knew jp so i could actually remember lyrics

mood (depressing and/or weirder stuff):

vivivivivi's Dead but Dreaming: concept album about a dead god, mostly chiptune instrumental stuff until the second-last track – personally I LOVE this album, but as someone said, it probably sucks unless you have autism (disclaimer: i'm not diagnosed autistic, this is a reference to the pinned comment). this particular album influences a lot of my works to be honest

two more vivivivivi beepbox albums, ones that are a little more lively: Sisyphus and Silly Little Songs from my Silly Little Head. probably not to the tastes of sane and normal people but i like the beeps and boops :)

sewerslvt: breakbeat stuff from a dark place. people seem to not like sewerslvt fans which is why i'm reluctant to talk about this one but whatever. idk what you'd call their genre (i've heard it described as ambient jungle, trance, something or other dnb, but most importantly NOT breakcore. call sewerslvt breakcore and you are signing up for a hell of a flamewar) listen if you like amen breaks and hate yourself (i hope not…) idk what to even recommend here… i stumbled across her first with Drowning In The Sewer years ago. i've been getting back into their stuff recently, which is probably not a good sign for my mental health… currently listening to 'was it weird that i listened to im god by clams casino's when i lost my virginity' which is a hell of a title

Heaven Pierce Her again – The Enigma of Heaven and Other Daily Delusions: weird album about religion and the internet. since this is hakita again there are amen breaks. good if ur fuckin WEIRD. i recommend most of HPH's work

i've also been listening to an ultrakill fan artist called Marzuku, who does – guess what – more amen break stuff. i don't know man, but 'At Ends' is pretty good

shit fuck of course the jvne section ends up being a whole paragraph just to say don't listen to their stuff.

THAT'S IT IT'S TIME TO WRAP THIS UP THANK YOU FOR COMING TO MY TED TALK. damn this got long. this is what happens when you ask me about my interests LMFAO

[oshidorifuufu]

hi hi hi i’m really sorry for answering this late, i was sleeping. please don’t worry if i sound serious… it’s merely the way i talk.

i’m not sure how to explain why i admire you. i already attempted to do so in the first message i sent, but i think there is something about you that just makes me go quiet and observe with interest. i admire how you still hold on, i think. you’re very strong, i’d already give up if i were subjected to the pain you’re most likely feeling.

about my name…uh

i chose to call myself okochama to get used to the name (as i’m planning to use it if i ever get around to becoming a vocaloid producer or otherwise a content creator). its direct translation would be childish or immature, i believe. it’s a trait i’ve been scolded for by nearly all of my friends, one i’ve been trying to erase from all aspects of my behavior. i try to please people, i really do, but i’ve never been able to stop acting the way it is natural to me. humming and jumping and repeating certain phrases, laughing at or finding wonder in things i shouldn’t. i do not want to traumadump, or experiencedump if you wish (as i believe i do not have trauma from these people), but you get my point. my apparent childishness is my most distinctive, albeit negative trait, and i chose to somehow “reclaim” it and call myself immature, in a way.

i yapped, forgive me.

i only log in to discord a few times a month, so after a very long pause, i decided to check on the server. to my surprise, it grew significantly since i joined. i opened a channel and spotted a very familiar name with a very familiar account theme. it didn’t take long for me to realize you and that luka are the same person, i don’t think i’ve seen another jirai named luka so far.

i highly believe you aren’t even aware of my account, as i usually just lurk or am not present at all. but i think i managed to say hi a few times.

as you can already guess, many word typer okochama

thank you for answering my questions okochama!!! sorry i was wrong i just cant read tone

thank you, for all its worth i do think i’m somewhat mentally strong, i mean a lot has happened and does happen to me but im still alive so…

i feel so happy to be admired, ive never felt that before, or someone caring for me just by me existing..?

thats interesting!!! i wanted to try out vocaloid production for a while too. i actually did buy a voicebank some years ago, it was otomachi una. i havent made anything except for some covers though because i dont know how to make music

also, im not trying to push anything and obv i dont have enough info but have you looked into autism…? repeating phrases especially sounds like an autistic trait but obv i cant diagnose you

i hope they havent got to you too much, and also its totally fine to ‘experiencedump’ here, i’ll try to help you if i can, if you care about my wellbeing i care about yours too

thats so crazy by the way!! yes its the same luka ~ i have actually met another jirai luka but it was luca lol. im not aware of your account and i wont try and search for it but if you ever want to reveal it or dm me you’re totally fine too

thanks again okochama~ >_<

[rainneverstopped]

August 12th 2024, 3:15pm

I take it so personally when people throw around the whole “turn off your devices, go outside, touch grass, talk to each other” which is fair enough to a small degree but it’s often used to dismiss how the internet can be a valuable source of connection for some of us rather than a hindrance and even allow us to live on our own terms. Yes, ideally there should be balance and I’m not even going to get into the very important discussion of how the internet makes knowledge available to all creating communities that have allowed for change in the actual “real” world that just wouldn’t have been possible without the easiness of online communication. No, let’s leave that for someone smarter and more willing to do the extensive research and receipt collecting. I want to talk about how for some of us the internet meant the ability to supplement a life that would have been otherwise very empty and far more lonely than it needed to be. I discovered online a world I was too scared and unprepared to physically step into. Found myself learning about beautiful places that took me far away from surroundings I don’t belong to. Found movies and music that gave me words to explain myself and leads into what was happening to me because I struggled/still struggle too much with alexithymia. Talked to people and let my real self show through. Expressed feelings that are not welcomed in the social circles I find myself in. It taught me that there’s places out there and things I would love. It provided me with comfort and entertainment. Fuck, without the internet I wouldn’t have been exposed to the information that lead me to believe I needed to be screened for autism and consequently be diagnosed (and apparently ADHD too but that is still uncertain). It’s so ignorant to believe that we would all thrive and feel better without using our phones and PCs nearly as much, that all we need is to look each other right in the eye and open up. The same people that say these things are the people that would talk to me for two seconds at a gathering and promptly dismiss me to go talk to someone more readily accepted and socially adept because in case you don’t know, society is not created for all of us to be our true selves or even our best selves. This is proven and there’s studies on it. Stop it, not all of us can be neurotypical Karen.

[ioboesess]

Reviving this blog now that I’m back in school and have been for a year!

Hi! I’m Ver, short for Vercopaanir (if you know where that comes from, congrats, I diagnose you with nerd).

I’m 25 years old and currently working towards my bachelor’s degree in music. I have a dual concentration, which is kinda like having a double major, except that they fall under the same major, so most of the core classes are the same and I only get one piece of paper when I’m done. My two concentrations are music education and musicology. My main instrument is oboe so I’m constantly busy. This was true the first time I tried university, but has been especially true this second time around because the pandemic kinda killed double reed recruiting, apparently.

I have ADHD and autism, and I have a service dog and plenty of accommodations based on that. Number one ADHD study tip: get your accommodations, you deserve them.

Uhhhh yeah idk what else y’all want to know but that’s me! Okay byeeeeee!

[prince-rowan-of-the-forest]

Hurts Like Hell

----

Losing a friend sucks, somehow it's even worse when they were still there, only just out of reach.

----

| Ao3 |

Warnings: angsttt, bullying mentions, jealousy/anger, intrusive thoughts (i think?) about hurting someone. self depreciation, (perceived) unsympathetic Virgil,

Pairings: Janus & Virgil, platonic LAMP, very background Prinxiety mention, a single sentence of Roceit

Word count: 1557

Notes:

Hello! I very rarely write vent fic, but here we are. I had lots of feelings and couldn't write anything else, so I thought I would chuck the feelings at this au and see how that turned out. I think it went well.

This fic also serves as a bit of backstory/a prequel to This Fic for which I wrote the beginning but gave away to @lily-janus for the Spring Cleaning event! I recommend going and giving it a read!

However, this could also likely be read as an only slightly confusing standalone as well.

----

Losing a friend hurts. 

Having your best friend move away, losing contact, maybe you moved schools and never saw them again, maybe they moved out of the country so you couldn’t visit.

Maybe they’d ditched you as soon as they had a better option.

It hurt a little more, Janus thought, when they weren’t forced apart. When your friend chose to leave, chose to turn his back on you and never speak to you again. When you still had to see him every day in the halls and in classes and in the cafeteria at lunch. When you still walked home the same way from school but now you had to avoid him because otherwise it would be far too awkward. When he hung around in all of your old hang out spots with all of his new, better, friends. 

He didn’t know it could hurt that much.

He had been friends with Virgil for years, three years, in fact. They’d bonded over their disabilities - Virgil, struggling with crippling anxiety and newly diagnosed (at the time) autism, and Janus with his chronic pain and partial blindness. They had found solace in each other, as friends often did, and stood together against the bullying and harassment they both faced. It made it easier.

They had done things together, of course. Outside of school they’d go to the park or the library, when Virgil had mentioned trying to get out more, Janus had taken him to some smaller local events - fairs, small music gigs, local markets - or on days when the anxiety was worst they’d sneak off to the fields just outside of the town and walk if it was a good day for Janus or just sit together if not. They went thrifting, got coffee, spent time at each other’s houses, did school projects together and complained about the unfair amount of homework they each got given. Janus suffered as a living mannequin for Virgil when he wanted to work on his clothing design hobby - Janus had always envied Virgil’s ability to make his own clothes - and Virgil painstakingly beta read everything Janus wrote even if his stories would never be good enough to be published. 

They weren’t that alike, not really, Virgil liked loud, angry music, where Janus preferred the classics, Virgil liked cheesy horror films and Disney whereas Janus would rather watch a true crime documentary or murder mystery any day. Virgil liked putting on makeup, dying his hair, wearing nail polish - although all of it was punk-ish, Janus had never felt a need to bother with that stuff, makeup wouldn’t cover up the massive scar on his face, after all - he wouldn’t be able to do it evenly anyway, not with being blind in one eye. 

Between them there were very few similarities, really, but they found themselves getting along despite that. Their senses of humour seemed to match quite well and they had enough shared experience to fill up most of the space where shared hobbies and interests should be. And hey, neither of them really had anyone else, so it’s not like there was any better option.

Until, apparently for Virgil, there was. 

Janus still didn’t really know what had happened, it was barely the beginning of the school year, their freshman year of highschool, to be precise. Janus knew it would be a difficult move for Virgil, what with his already strong dislike for people and change, so he’d tried to check up a little more, make sure Virgil was doing alright, he’d tried to communicate a little better - texting Virgil when he found something cool or funny on the internet or out and about but… it must not have been enough. 

Virgil stopped texting first, leaving Janus’ messages unanswered while he got quieter and quieter around him when they were together in person until one day… one day he just didn’t show up at the spot where they met every morning.

He’d tried not to think anything of it, at the time. Maybe Virgil had been late that day - though he was never late - maybe he’d needed to speak with a teacher or wanted to get to class early… It was fine. 

Virgil didn’t come back over the next few days, nor did he reply to any of Janus’ messages (he had quickly stopped sending them), he was never in any of their usual meeting spots and Janus was just starting to get worried. 

But then he saw Virgil with… them. 

He saw him sitting at their table during lunch, he sat next to Patton and across from Roman and Logan, watching Roman talk animatedly - with wide gestures and a constant grin. He saw him walking down the halls next to Patton, saw him studying for a chemistry test - which Janus was also in the same class for - in the school library with Logan…

Then he’d seen Virgil waiting in their usual meeting spot after school and foolishly he’d gotten his hopes up, he’d gone to walk over before Roman got there first, laughing when he saw Virgil and patting him on the arm and… Janus had always thought Virgil had been averse to touch, hadn't he mentioned it once or twice?

Apparently Roman lived their direction too, and Janus had needed to change the route he walked home on good days to avoid them. Part of him couldn’t handle seeing it. 

He sat with them at lunch, talked to them in class, worked with them on projects, Leaving Janus well and truly… alone. 

It hurt so much. Every time Virgil passed him - barely batting an eye - Janus felt his chest constrict painfully. Every time he overheard him having a conversation with one of the others - especially at the beginning - Janus felt a little like someone had taken the floor out from under him and not in the pleasant ways always described in cheesy romance. Later, as time moved on, that hurt and sadness morphed into overwhelming anger. Every time he heard Virgil talk or laugh he wanted to scream, part of him wanted to hurt him, push him in the hallways, trip him up, make it look like an accident. He wanted to yell at him, let Virgil know exactly how much his leaving out of nowhere had hurt him and make it hurt for Virgil too. He never did, because for some stupid reason, despite everything, he still cared too much about Virgil to do something like that.

He was jealous, after that, jealous of Virgil because now that he had the protection of the popular kids he didn’t have to worry about the bullies and the harassment, jealous because he had new, better friends who could go on walks in the fields whenever he wanted. He was jealous of Roman and Logan and Patton, because now Roman helped with Virgil’s costume design, now Logan worked with him on projects and Patton would complain with him about the difficulty of the homework. He was jealous of the four of them, because they never seemed to worry about anything, because even Virgil’s anxiety seemed to ease off as time went on. Because none of them suffered like he did, and because none of them seemed to care.

Janus wished he didn’t care. 

Because caring made it hurt so much more. 

It hurt more when he made eye contact and Virgil turned away, hurt more when they passed each other in the halls and Virgil didn’t even glance his way. It hurt when he was struggling and Virgil was right there and he didn’t stop to help like Janus knew he would have years ago. It hurt when he first heard the rumour that Virgil and Roman had started dating - not only because of his well hidden and carefully pushed down crush on Roman himself but also because Virgil had gotten something he never could have and he couldn’t even congratulate him - the amount of sincerity involved in the theoretical congratulation varied with his mood. 

He’d tried being happy for Virgil, but somehow that had hurt even more, torn an even larger hole in his heart. He’d tried to forget about him, tried not to think about it, but it was impossible when Virgil was right there, just out of reach all the goddamn time. He’d tried letting himself be angry, but then he just got angrier and guiltier for being angry in the first place. Virgil was better off now, objectively. His feelings about it didn’t matter.

A small part of him just… wished that he knew what he’d done wrong. 

What mistake had he made? Because he’d analysed their last few interactions so much that he was certain he could repeat every word they’d both said by heart and yet still couldn’t work out what he’d done wrong. On top of that still, why did he deserve to be tossed out? Like a broken tool that had served its purpose? Why was it perfectly ok for Virgil to leave him in the dust as though they hadn't been each other's only friend for three years, how was that fair?

It wasn't, Janus thought bitterly, but when had life ever been fair to him anyway.

Being honest, he didn't know what he had expected, everything always goes wrong for him in the end.

That didn't make it hurt any less.

----

Tags: @full-of-roman-angst-trash @reptilianrapscallion420 @your-local-random-dino @cutebisexualmess @glacierruler @roseianxiety @bella-bugatti-frogetti-baguetti (if anyone wants to be added, let me know!)

[hedgehog-troops]

oaky I’m really sorry but I’m ranting here

Two (ish) years ago, I stopped going to school, my mental health was getting awful, I couldn’t get out of bed, I had panic attacks nearly every morning just thinking about going to school. And on the days where I did go in, it was barely for an hour and I’m not gonna lie I just read fanfiction on the schools computers. I’m not ashamed of that ✊

Anyway, I ended up just dropping out. Which was fine, I enrolled at a learning centre and took a maths course, but ngl, it was fucking awful. It barely taught me anything, and when I was there I was just stressed about the teacher because he made me so uncomfortable but that’s a whole other thing

I’m starting college later this year, hopefully, to get me back into mainstream education. I’m actually excited, I haven’t had a social life in so long so I’m looking forward to being able to actually see people my age. I’m also looking forward to learning again, because I do genuinely enjoy it.

Earlier today I had to go into the college so they could test where I was in maths and English, so they know what level to put me at. It was just two 45 minute assessments, I wasn’t that worried. I had always been labelled as smart by teachers, parents, friends, those random family members you see once a year. Apparently, I’ve always been smart. So, again, I wasn’t worried.

And then I opened the maths test, and I knew nothing. I had never felt so stupid in my entire life. It was awful. I knew the answer to the odd question or two, but overall I knew fuck-all. I got some of the maths done, I really don’t feel like I did enough, I definitely don’t think I passed, so I’m probably going to be put in the lowest set but I don’t even know how that works at the college I’m going to.

Then I did the English assessment, this one I was more worried about. I hadn’t touched a piece of English work in years, and it was never my strongest subject. That’s how I felt anyway, I was always shit when it came to tests. I couldn’t even write a single word. I didn’t know how. I don’t even know what the stupid thing was asking me to do. It just described a garden and then asked me to ‘write about how the writer used language to bla bla bla bla bla’ well I don’t fucking know, they put pen on paper and wrote a bunch of words. The passage was also awful ngl. It didn’t even make sense. Fucking hell, anyway, getting off track.

I’m autistic, I was diagnosed when I was 14? Maybe 13? I had no idea beforehand, I just got in the car one day and my mum told me she was taking me to get tested for autism and I was like ‘cool thanks mum’. So because I have a diagnosis, it definitely helps with the college and I get ✨special treatment✨

By this I mean I’m allowed extra time on tests, headphones, music, whatever I need to make it easier which is good. But I am not good at tests. I think that’s one of my biggest issues. In lessons I was always great at whatever I was doing, but the minute I had a test in front of me, I just struggled.

So now, because I didn’t get anything written down on the English assessment, they asked me if I could send in something that I have written, so they can sort of grade that. But I do not want to send in the stuff I’ve written. I’ve not even written anything. Now I have to write something? What the fuck am I supposed to do. My sister came into my room and said that I could send in one of my Greek mythology projects, I have a few of those. Which, would probably be the easiest option, but I hate people reading what I write. I write for me, I don’t want people seeing that, or knowing it’s me who has written it. And now it’s made me more uncomfortable because they know I want to be an author. Which isn’t really true. I wanna write, yeah, but I don’t think I want to write and publish. So now I feel like they’re gonna judge me even more and it’s so fucking stressful.

There’s more, but the ‘more’ leads into family issues so I think I’ll stop here.

If you read all of that, I hope it made some sense. I really needed to rant here, but I feel bad that I’m ranting. Don’t feel the need to respond, honestly I feel better just having written it out, so thank you.

ANYWAY! Have a good day and happy pride 🌈

(also, sorry for any possible typos)

9h my god im sos sorry but i just saw this.

first of all, dont ever feel sorry for ranting to me. im totally fine with it, and would rather you rant to me than do other stuff.

now cominf onto the issues, first of all, yeah i relate to the feeling, alot. i had to take a 4 month break from school due to a surgery and when i got back i got my first ever 80 oercent in maths and i felt like shit.

now compare that to not being in school for ages and ages, ofcoursw you wouldn't know alot of stuff, or any of it. if your schools any good, they'll probably understand. if your teachers have said that you're smart, chances are you actually are.

my brother is like that, he got that phase of not putting in effort in school, getting Us and stuff. but now he's in one of the best unis in our country and is getting consistent good grades.

this is just me telling you that after you have that long break, you need a shock, yiu need something which makes yiu realise that shit. youve gotta work now.

and these tests were yours, following this, you'll know that you have to work hard, that you cant rely on your smartness anymore because you dont have that safety net, not unless yiu make it again.

but the good news is that you probably will pick up concepts very easily, and be able to learn really easily, since yiu have a knack for that sort of stuff.

as for finally starting college, im so incredibly proud of you for going to college and attempting to overcome your fears.

remember the first step is the hardest, all the next tho may seem daunting get easier overtime.

just remember, somewhere, at some place in the world, theres someone whos proud of you (ME!)

as for the english assessment thing, id say either write about ehat you feel rn or bite the bullet and send in the work you're most proud of. it may seem scary but remember you only get better thriugh criticism, it will all be alright, dont worry.

worst comes to worst, they wont like it, but theres still people who will.

thou art dubbed college anon

<33

[cracka1604]

Numbah one - C

Hello, and welcome! To uh... White trans girl woke blog... Yeah, creative name, I know. I'm Cracka, but you probably already know that. This is my first post on the blog, awesome! 😎 I'll use this as a... FAQ thingy... Even though nobody asked.

I made this blog to just... Write about my life, document it kinda. I love looking in on other peoples lives, it seems so interesting to me. I mean, obviously i dont go too deep, I dont like getting super duper personal with this 'hobby' of mine, but I thought other people might be interested. So, I made this. I've never really documented anything in my life, I really just, let myself live. I reflect a lot on what I've done, especially the bad things. But I never really... Shared it I guess? I told stories to those I know but when something happens in my life, or I finish doing something, I dont normally go "Hey guys did you know this just happened? Lol!" I normally just... Live. My first thought when something big happens isnt to tell anyone, its my life. If someone cared they would ask me if something is happening. Though, that hasnt happened in a few years. I dont know, I just want to talk about my life to somewhere, even if nobody will read this I guess it would be nice for me to talk about stuff at the very least.

Yo, I'm Cracka, a transgender MtF internet person, and a minor. Also a professional dumbass. I am diagnosed with Autism, and ASPD. I like to draw, make music, and sing. But I might not share that much here, I dont know. Im not very interesting. I sit in my room, play games, and make shitty art, while complaining to my friends and significant other that my life sucks, and then talk to them about breadsticks. And then have a mental breakdown at night. But apparently to others I'm pretty alright, or a living sin. I dont know lol

All that aside, here's a short story from recently. I recently had to buy batteries, but I never realized in my entire life that batteries were locked up. In a case. Maybe this is a stupid teenager revelation, but... Why are batteries so goddamn expensive? I bought 10 for like... 20$... I may be poor but I think thats a bit too much for this cylindric tiny metal thing with juice in it to power up my electronic devices. I hate capitalism man...

[kuiperoid]

Obligatory Autism Awareness Month Post;

or,

My Neurodivergent Experience

[previously posted here, as well as other platforms]

[Post I made on previous social media platforms in previous years, so some bits may be a bit outdated]

It’s April so I suppose I need to make some obligatory post about my experiences as a neurodivergent individual, either about how proud I am that it makes me so super special or how awful everyone treats me. I can’t 100% give either of those, so I’ll just go into my experiences more generally.

It’s hard to say when the signs that I was “different” showed up. I had a tendency towards all-encompassing interests very young, but that’s normal even for neurotypical children. I was very particular about food, but once again, I can’t say that I did that more often than neurotypical children of other ages. I suppose the first sign was that whenever adults would ask me questions, they would get frustrated when I didn’t answer, thinking I wasn’t listening, when really I was just thinking about a proper response. The idea of answering right away when I couldn’t provide them with the best possible answer just didn’t make sense to me. As I got a bit older, I suppose I had the opposite problem. I would talk too much, interrupting my friends and giving them an earful about ferrets or spiders or whatever my current big interest was. My mother kindly informed me of what I was doing and how it wasn’t polite. This I actually understood the reasoning behind and I tried then and still try now to avoid doing this. I found an outlet to go on as long as I wanted about my special interests uninterrupted in the form of fiction writing, a hobby I have to this day. I was incredibly uncoordinated and bad at sports, which led to the little boys making fun of me quite a bit during PE. I was advised by well-meaning adults to practice so I would get better or stand up for myself, but my skills did not improve and, whenever I tried to say something in response, I just froze up.

Unfortunately, as I moved on to middle school, the fact that something about me was unmistakably “off” was still quite obvious, which led to me being pretty severely bullied, albeit by my neighbors in the classroom rather than sports field. I acted weird, I talked weird, I dressed weird on free dress days, I listened to music that the other kids hadn’t heard of while finding theirs unbearable. I wouldn’t learn until much later the extent of my issues with auditory processing, which have played a big role in my taste in music. One of my long-term friends, whose taste in music I have long shared, also has issues with auditory processing. I find it very interesting that many figures of the new wave scene, one of the few music genres I like - Danny Elfman, Gary Numan, the guy from Tears for Fears, and more - are neurodivergent, as are many members of the music scenes that I have become involved in. Writing and music were a big escape for the unpleasantness of my adolescence, between bullying, the fact that my other mental health problems were starting to become more apparent (namely, my OCD, which maybe I’ll write a big spiel about during OCD Awareness Week in October if I’m in the mood), as well as some other puberty-induced self-realizations.

I suppose that brings me to the statistic about the prevalence of LGBT+ identities in the neurodivergent community. People have tried to present all sorts of hypotheses about this, usually in a way that derides at least one of those, but I will provide a few of my own: first off, aside from the fact that the numbers are not that much higher, these statistics refer to out-LGBT and diagnosed neurodivergent people, neither of which represents the entirety of either community. Secondly, consider that someone in therapy for one of those things is likely to uncover other things. Lastly, and this is the one that I think is the most significant to me personally, it is harder for neurodivergent people to hide parts of who we are. While it is a myth that neurodivergent people cannot lie (my apologies to any neurodivergent people who have been using this myth to their advantage with their parents, bosses, et al), fact is, when you don’t internalize social norms the same way, you don’t see a need to pretend or, in some cases, you just can’t. My mom noticed pretty early on that I seemed “obsessed with gay people.” I was always talking about LGBT-related things in the news or celebrities. I got incredibly excited whenever I met adults that were in some way LGBT, flapping my hands and giggling like a maniac. I wonder if some of them thought I was laughing at them. She likely also noticed a pattern among the pictures I chose to decorate the wall by my bed with. Unfortunately, I underestimated the bigotry that still existed and I may have come out a bit too young. Between my social awkwardness and initially referring to myself as “pansexuelle” (I still don’t know what that was supposed to mean), it is no wonder that so many people in high school wrongly thought I had crushes on them. I always struggled making and maintaining friendships, so sometimes the ways I would attempt to pursue friendships came off as overly enthusiastic. I see now why people thought that, but at the time, it genuinely hurt my feelings when people thought that I was trying to romantically pursue them when I just wanted friendship and “people who thought I had crushes on them” became a whole new genre of villains in my adolescent writings. It was very hard for me to make friends and my strangeness pushed people away further. I won’t say that I or anyone is entitled to friendship, but it was hard. Some people complimented me for “not caring what other people thought,” but that didn’t feel right either. I acted the way I did because I literally did not know how to act differently, but I still cared a great deal about how people thought about me.

As a result of the various issues I was dealing with, I struggled academically. I always had trouble asking for help until it was way too late. I started to pick up on the whole concept of “don’t be yourself, people don’t like that person,” but rather than doing the whole social-blending thing that neurotypical people can, I invented entire new personas. I had a massive inferiority complex and felt that I was just bad at everything. A lot of the people who I became naturally attracted to just so happened to be much more academically inclined and often had some special talent and I joked that I had a “genius fetish.” Though people were attracted to me, no one seemed to want me on an emotional level and I understood why. I honestly became convinced that no one even wanted me as a friend. I went into a spiral of self-isolation.

One of my early relationships was with a status-obsessed narcissist who simultaneously told me how cute and interesting I was, but also fed into my inferiority complex. They would deride me about my awkward social behavior around their friends or if I dressed in a way they didn’t deem acceptable. I hear it is a common thing among neurodivergent people deemed “cute,” people like you because you’re adorably “quirky,” but don’t understand that your “quirkiness” comes at a cost. They were among the first people that I liked who I didn’t put on a pedestal and yet they seemed disappointed by that. On the other hand, I remember asking them if they’d had crushes on a few people who they seemed to talk about in a way that was, well, reminiscent of the way that I spoke about my crushes. Rather than saying, “no, they aren’t my type,” or even “yes,” they often said something along the lines of, “no, I couldn’t, they’re too wonderful and amazing.” This both confused me, as someone who had been attracted to many people who I had considered too wonderful and amazing for me, but also didn’t do much for my self esteem, for being attracted to someone seemed to be a form of debasement in this person’s opinion. I sort of let it slide because I had similar admiring feelings towards one of these people - they were smart, nice, and accomplished, but I wasn’t attracted to them, though that had more to do with them not being my type then them being too wonderful for me to allow myself to feel attraction to. Had they been more of a dark-eyed waif, perhaps I would have felt that way (maybe the fact that they were the only one of these people that my then-significant other would gush about this way that I never felt jealous of is telling). This was perhaps a preview of some more unfortunate things that would happen as that relationship continued that I won’t detail here. The most confusing thing, however, was the aforementioned status obsession. For all the concern about how I behaved around their friends, they didn’t even seem to like some of these friends. Whenever they talked about these friends to me privately, they always seemed to be complaining about them or even making fun of them. I didn’t understand why someone would be friends with people for any reason other than simply enjoying their company. This partner of mine was very into the idea of gaining some sort of status from these people, an abstract concept that my neurodiverse brain simply could not grasp. I won’t go much further into this particular relationship, which could be another several pages on its own, but I will say that that story has a happy ending and that, after we broke up, that person went to therapy, uncovered the Freudian source of all of their problems, and the world has one less unkind person as a result. Of course, the PTSD I developed as a result of that relationship was not a fun thing to add on to my existing problems, especially considering that I decided to move to another part of the state and go to “real college” after that.

For the many emotional struggles that I had during college, I am glad that I finally had a therapist that I was honest with (as opposed to the one I had as a teenager who I simply told I was “stressed about homework”) and received formal diagnoses. Now as an adult in the real world, diagnoses and all, I can’t say if things are better or worse. I remember being told that all the issues I had in high school, with people thinking I had crushes on them and telling a significant other of mine (people I barely knew, mind you) not to date me because I was “weird” would end once I was out of high school. Come college years, people still found my enthusiastic attempts to befriend them odd and someone else was warned to avoid me because of my “weirdness.”

Now, being twice as old, I still have to deal with some of those things, but I think I have navigated it. I don’t like the taste of coffee or alcohol, but that’s alright because my brain wiring means caffeine and alcohol don’t affect me the way they do other people anyways. I don’t like most pop music, but the genres that I do like have close-knit subcultures of interesting people. I still sometimes have to deal with grown adults acting like they don’t want me sitting at their cool kid table. At this point, when I hear that some family-adjacent person thinks I have some especial dislike for them, somehow different from the rest of the family, when I’m the one who probably defends them the most when they aren’t around and the person they think is their True Ally is the person I’m usually doing the defending against, I just laugh. What else can you do? My life isn’t perfect and, in the society we live in, it would probably be a lot easier for me if I were neurotypical, but why would I want that? If neurotypical society means answering questions quickly instead of meaningfully, bullying people who aren’t like you, listening to music you don’t actually like, hiding your excitement, basing friendship off of abstract concepts rather than mutual enjoyment of each other’s company, and a lot of buying into each other’s lies, I don’t see the appeal.

[olgunia]

also... i feel like writing it down and getting it out of my system but... i mean... i told my boyfriend and two best friends... and my new therapist. . .. (i'm finally getting help!!! and it turned out that i was right!! it is that i have been suffering from utmattningssyndrom [exhaustion disorder] for the past 2 years! and also! finally i accept the fact that i have been suffering from it and i feel less of an impostor and also!! for the past 3 months i have been recovering and feeling better and better with every week, i wanted to cry last week when i was able to cycle! every day!! it was impossible even a month ago, i felt so humiliated with how little energy i had all the time.. usch, don't wish that shit on anyone) said that we're gonna Look Into It.. TBC

ok but yes, the thing is that 3 months ago one thought struck me and that is that i may be autistic.. at first i did cry bc i felt overwhelmed and scared because i have this imagine in my head of prejudice and lack of understanding what autism really is and that people on SM are trying to be quirky or special or whatever, i don't even know! it just felt so overwhelming.. but after that i had conducted more research that has been ongoing and.. i think apart from the fact that i just feel like i'm an impostor and that if i would say it out loud - other people will think that i'm 'making it up' (hehe that hasn't happened and those 3 close ppl are supportive BUT!!!) ---- apart from that.. the more i read and think - it just becomes more apparent that i am on the spectrum! and once again it feels like a lot but on the other hand it would explain so many things!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! some silly things like me having to ask people if they're joking bc i really can't tell lol, same with irony, to not getting if someone is flirting with me, to people believing i'm being flirty while i'm just interested and excited about the topic and want to be nice lol, me losing my fucking everything and exploding internally while having to go for e.g. on tour - no matter how much i like someone - to be in the same space [car/venue/sleeping place] and to not have enough 'alone time' is just! i just fucking cant! mental breakdowns every 2nd day! i hate spending too much time with people (that doesn't apply to my boyfriend though but till exempel to my family/friends) in the same space! ----- and i mean... i have been diagnosed with ocd and social phobia while being a teenager but there were some things that have been.. puzzling me and now! it feels like i found the missing puzzle! and it feels both good and weird

and other things like being naive, an open book, shitload of thoughts, feeling intense feelings towards stuff - loving/hating, having hard time with 'not exploding' and att hantera emotions, seeing 'patterns', these whole stemming thing- whenever i listen to music that i love it's just.. i just cant NOT move fingers or hands or legs, getting stuck with some sayings/catchphrases that change every now and then, i guess i also overshare stuff but hard to tell hehe, always trying to learn how to navigate small talks and talking and social things, being called blunt, believing that i lack empathy because i just.. i cant imagine how it is to 'put myself in someone's shoes', loving 'shitposting' or wordplay bc they're either absurd and therefore funny or just easy to understand hehe, planning things, not being able to summarize things, doing lots of lists, i just f-ing love to research, getting sucked into things and having a very hard time to get out but also having a hard time to start doing shit and more things bla bl albla lbllalalal.. . .. writing it down so i can have it for future purposes

but yes.. it's scary but good i guess to realise that? Smiley Emoji

[permanately-confuzzled]

Okay so. This gonna be long. But dean headcanon.

This is a bit of a stretch and not one that I think a lot of people lean towards (either that or I'm just not in a circle that talks about it) but. Dean has autism? Maybe not super obvious signs, and I'm much more familiar with the signs in afab than amab, but it feels REALLY similar to myself.

I realize that cptsd has really similar symptoms as low-support-needs (high functioning??? Someone please tell me what term to use I cant figure out if it's problematic or not) late diagnosed autism, as well as several other neurotypes. But a lot of it feels really familiar, and in some of the distinguishments between cptsd and autism, dean leans toward the autism side.

Anyway, a list in no particular order:

Knows a lot about random topics -- that one case where he knew the guy used the wrong country for a proverb to come from, mentioning vonnegut, possible hyperfocus on weapons and fighting

Seems to have a fairly good musical understanding despite having little to no experience -- you're telling me John taught him how to sing? And he picked up on guitar as quickly as was implied? I think the fuck not

Hyperfocus on a TV show/genre -- Scooby-Doo, dr. Sexy, westerns

Perfectly happy driving for hours on end listening to the same tracks on repeat -- apparently this isn't normal???

Seems to dissociate really easy -- he could be desensitized to violence, and probably is at least a little. But when he's already emotional, or caught by surprise, he's immediately horrified, almost like he's not as careless towards it as normal.

Described as having too many emotions. Very much cannot communicate them. Seems overwhelmed.

Very much likes blankets, hot showers, massage bed -- sensory issues. Also, that could be why he wears flannel and jeans all the time. Yeah, it's practical, but the clothes don't bother his sensory issues.

Also, sensory stuff could be why he's constantly chasing sex. If your constantly feeling everything, why not make the everything be mostly good? People with asd also typically are either on the grey scale of sexuality or hypersexual.

He clearly understands communication, but masking. Also, he's fairly social. The puzzle of human communication may be a hyperfixation of his. Not to mention that a few of the times people say things he isn't expecting he gets flustered and confused.

He seems to see grey points in a very black and white way, and black and white as grey. I don't know how else to describe that.

The thing with asd people typically struggling more than nts to understand things like capitalism bc why WOULDNT you give up some fancies if other people can eat enough -- that's literally why he can't get himself to leave hunting.

Not willing to change the impala or his music.

Had the whole dean cave put together without Sam knowing (I think? Correct me if I imagined this)

Routine. He's impulsive when it's his decision, but if someone else decides, he wants nothing to do with it -- getting up in the morning, I swear there's more but my brain is getting tired

Struggles to make close connections. Very few actual friends (especially compared to sam) and very few actual relationships.

The close friends he has are not nt. Charlie most likely has adhd or asd, cas acts very similar to someone with asd, Sam's at least really traumatized. This is common with nds.

He has different personalities depending on who he's with (masking) -- cas vs Charlie vs Sam vs Donna vs Claire vs Benny... etc

Prone to addiction -- the need for routine and chronic stress from masking makes this true for asd people as well.

I think it was called existential suicidal ideation or something like that? Doesn't want to die necessarily, but doesn't really want to be around but does, but doesn't really care. It doesn't seem like a big deal so he's sorta apathetic to it.

I think there was more, but I cant remember right now. Am I crazy???

Sorry is asd autocorected to sad. And yes I did hyperfocus on this for a week and a half.