#I was considering posting TikTok’s about like big brother and stuff like how people have been doing for love island USA

[sexologii]

Will you be watching and posting about this season of bb?

LETS HOPE

like I really am having fun so far and I was so excited and like I’ve been WAITING for big brother so

[mrsmiagreer]

Alright. Little big rant because i’ve nowhere else to turn :)

Edit: Omgggg this is lengthy asf😭 sorry for those who are actually reading…i don’t think I realized I would be talking n writing for this long and i literally won’t br offended if nobody reads this all the way down. Mb😭

so… some of you may know, I am very easily hyper fixated on things. Right now my top two hyper fixations are redacted ASMR (as you know), and the Sturniolo triplets (as you also recently know.)

I was watching the cut the camera podcast on YouTube and I went all the way back to their very first episodes of it because I want to watch from the beginning and catch up. I was watching episode three where they brought on their first guest speaker, Baylen Levine, and it was pretty inspiring to me because they talked about doing a lot of the stuff that I aspired to do as a kid.

For example, they talked about how they have always known that they wanted to be influencers from when they were small, and they’ve recorded a large portion of their lives, and they’ve made sure to document just being themselves, and they realized (from vine or jake and logan paul or people in that genre) that they could make a fortune of it. They talked about how they would post on YouTube or post on TikTok and after they started getting lots of likes and views they committed themselves to it and that’s how they are where they are today.

I have always wanted to be an influencer. As a kid, I have made multiple YouTube channels and Musical.ly and Tiktok accounts with videos of me just talking or singing, or dancing, and in 2020 during quarantine I was literally posting TikToks every single day, hoping that I would blow up like Charli or Addison. Those days I was obsessed with the New Jersey boys (Kairi Cosentino, Mattia Polibio, Alejandro, Rosario, etc.) who are also famous on TikTok, and I wanted to be famous too, so I can meet them and even come close to being in their league. 

I wanted to be famous… Well, I didn’t want some of the stuff that came along with being actually famous, but I did want to be impactful enough to be considered famous so like Internet famous, not actor famous or singer famous (even though lots of people told me that I should be a singer because I can sing). I think I just have anxiety around the fact that I’ll always be watched and judged, and I’d have to watch what I say or filter what I do from the Internet and separate my life from my business. especially as a teenager, being famous seemed really difficult. and I was also really lazy so I didn’t wanna have to do the work of uploading every day, recording every day, editing, coming up with my own ideas every week, etc..

 watching their podcast videos also confirmed my fear of not blowing up as easy because I was alone. I have a little sister but she’s six years younger than me, and so the content and the way I wanted to portray myself wouldn’t have been as suitable because of our circumstances as a family and our age gap. The triplets were talking about how they’ve never had to really feel alone while coming up in this social media business because they’ve always had each other, so not only are they brothers, but they’re also best friends and business partners. Baylen was talking about how he started his channel with his friends because they were doing funny stupid stuff normally in their everyday lives and one day they just decided to film it and it blew up. especially in the social media industry, it seems to be “the more the better” because it gives people the option to pick a favorite of the group or want to know more about somebody in particular or just explore the different personalities and how they complement each other and all that stuff (The NJ boys, The Sturniolos, Team 10, the Hype House, etc). I never had anybody to record these videos with me consistently or anything like that, and I think I figured that I would just get boring and that I’m probably not really enough on my own. 

watching their podcasts and watching their YouTube videos always makes me feel like I want to return to content making, but I always wave it off. For starters, I kind of feel too old to start. Not that I’m old or anything but I wanted to start when I was like 11 and really had a chance at like 15 so now I feel like I would be starting in the game too late which is deterring me. I think I also only want to start up my content creating dreams because I really want to meet and be friends with these people that I’ve looked up to and the only way I can do that is by also being famous which sucks because it’s a very low chance that I’ll ever be their friend as some normal person who is technically considered a fan. in the episode with Baylen, they were talking about how now that they’ve met Baylen and they’ve met the cuff boys, They’re only waiting on a few other people to meet before it’s a full circle moment, and they’re content with the progress they’ve made in their career, and the people I want to meet if I were to ever have this platform are the triplets, the New Jersey boys, Berleezy, Coryxkenshin, and probably even Erik because redacted ASMR has literally changed my life so much. it’s opened my mind to how many possibilities there really are when making your own stories because of how many different rules and lands and governments and races there are within Dahlia, and how complex a character themselves could be because they are in fact people before any of their abilities, and it’s given me ideas and inspired me to be a better writer or to be more creative because Erik is literally one of the most creative people I have ever seen in action and i adore his work. 

I am one of those people that do have a lot of opinions to say. I have a lot of random thoughts and a lot of ideas that I want to bring to life. When I watch the boys’ car videos, I find myself wanting to add to their conversation, or say something that I feel applies to their situation that could help or that would make them laugh or that I just relate to in general. it makes me almost kind of sad that I would have to put in the work and the grind that could possibly take years, just to become Internet famous, just to join a conversation of theirs, with no guarantee that we’ll even become friends or stay in contact like I’d hope we would.

Also, I’m trying to decide what I want to do in life as a career and YouTube sounds very fun and def brings in a lot of cash but I just don’t know if I can. I just don’t feel like I’m in the right position to do that.

right now I’m thinking about doing something towards psychology, social work, child development, or child therapy, because being in high school made me realize that there are tons of kids that need help badly and there’s not enough child therapists around (or nobody takes school counselors seriously) and so I want to help change that, and I can’t do YouTube and go to school for being a child therapist because that’s

An overload of work and

Two different pathways that I don’t really want to mix.

I feel like there’s a lot of familial pressure around going to college too, especially because I would technically be a first generation student. I feel like my goal with child therapy is very honorable and something that the world definitely needs but I feel like I would genuinely enjoy my life more if I could make money from Vlogging and having fun and going through my life with a camera. and I know that life‘s not all about fun, but it would just make a lot of my internal dreams come to fruition. Like on episode two of cut the camera (I believe) Chris was talking about how being famous allowed him to start the clothing line that he’s always wanted to start, and I’ve always always always wanted to start a clothing line as a kid too. I even have a hoodie with my name on it in my closet right now because I started a clothing line journey and wasn’t consistent. not only would a youtube career allow me to express myself through clothing or conversation, but it would also expand my understanding of technology, business, social interactions, travel, and you never know who you’ll meet or what you’ll end up doing if you don’t start.

people in my life keep telling me that college is the best thing that they’ve ever experienced and that there’s no experience like college, and I completely trust them and understand that it is probably a great experience because it’s basically big high school, but with more legal freedom. I also have no doubt in my mind that I’ll make a lot of connections and meet a lot of great people and learn a lot of things from college because you meet people from everywhere in college, however, being in college would definitely get in the way of me doing YouTube I feel.

and it’s not even that I really even want to do YouTube anymore (Or at least as much as i used to want to), I just want to be big enough to be able to meet these people without looking like some random fan girl… am I delusional? Is this too much? Could I just like their content like a normal human being? 

[justsome-di]

Nobody Ends Up Dead in a Bathtub, Everyone Keeps Their Organs: Chapter 26

Summary: Alex is an ordinary, highly-introverted office worker. He clocks in and out and goes home to his little apartment he shares with his younger sister. He hasn’t dated in years by the time his co-workers set him up on a blind date.

The only issue is he and his date are not on the same page. At all.

While Alex thinks it’s a normal date, Damián is under the impression Alex is a client who paid to be there. No-so-quickly, they realize something is up. It’s all a prank. Damián is a sex worker Alex’s co-workers hired as a sick joke.

After reassuring that they’re both okay, Alex decides he wants revenge for both him and Damián. The plan is to use the stigma of sex work and start a 6-week, scandalous fake dating scheme with a big finale at the office Halloween party. Alex’s co-workers will be too horrified to try to prank him again. At least, that’s the plan.

You can also read this on AO3. If you don’t want to wait for new chapters, the complete story is on Patreon for only $4 with bonus stories! If you’re enjoying the story and want to support me in other ways, consider dropping me a message in my inbox or reblogging this post!

Damián was at a total loss as to why Leo was acting too cruel.

Alex was far too timid to stand up for himself, and maybe that was why Leo found him to be an easy target. He had never considered his baby brother of having the capabilities of a bully. But was it really any different than how they were raised—the things that had been normal to them? Their father, the shrewd businessman. Their mother, the wannabe socialite who established her place in New York society as a catty woman in constant competition with all the other catty women.

Damián would have thought Leo was above all that. That he had learned a little empathy on his own. Enough to not target the first person he didn’t like.

Leo took Eve’s plate, and Damián took Alex’s. As he did so, he laid his hand on Alex’s back. Just for a second. Just to try to give him a little comfort through a little touch.

Leo began rinsing the plates, frowning at the little remnants of rice that were washed down the drain. He passed each clean plate to Damián who loaded them into the dishwasher.

“Damián,” Eve said. “I like your crop top.”

He knew it was her trying to desperately ease the tension and change the subject. It was kind of her. He would help her.

Damián spun on his heel and pressed his hands into his hips. Alex glanced up and laughed.

“Thank you,” Damián said. “I’m going to singlehandedly bring back crop tops for men.”

“They’re already back,” Eve said. “Literally everyone is wearing them.”

“’Literally everyone?’ I haven’t seen ‘literally everyone’ wear crop tops.”

“It’s because you’re probably too old to see everyone wearing them.”

Damián rolled his eyes, hard. “Where are all these youths wearing crop tops? Where are they hiding?”

“It’s all over TikTok. But you wouldn’t know.” Eve shrugged. “It’s young people stuff, and you probably still use Facebook or something.”

“TikTok? No, I have no idea what TikTok is.” Damián tapped a fork against the palm of his hand. “Never heard of it.”

Eve laughed. It made Alex laugh as well, and Damián was sure he could hear a little snort from Leo.

“It’s an app for young people,” Eve said.

“Teach me, an elderly man, about TikTok.”

“I don’t think I can. It’d be too hard. It’s just the generation gap. You’re a millennial, and I’m gen z.”

“Okay,” Damián said, sobering up. “First of all, ew. I thought gen z were all in high school.”

“I was born in 2003.”

Damián’s mouth opened in genuine shock and gagged. It was hard for Damián to think about how much time had passed since he was Eve’s age—or Leo’s age. It was a very normal anxiety, he knew. Everyone stressed about the inevitable passage of time especially as they hit milestones like entering their 30s.

“I was born in the 90s,” Damián said. “I was 11 when you were born.”

“Alex was born in the 80s. He’s ancient.”

“I was born in ‘89,” Alex said. “Late ‘89. I’m not ancient. But I was in high school when you were born, and that was weird.”

“You couldn’t have been the only one with a baby sibling in high school,” Damián said.

“I wasn’t. But it was weird to go to school and then come home to a baby that would bite me all the time.”

“She bit you? Eve, you bit him?”

“I didn’t have teeth,” Eve said. “So it was more like a gentle gumming.”

Leo made a sound of disgust. Damián leaned against the counter and tried to catch a glimpse of his face. He was still rinsing off dishes, making a bigger effort to get every speckle of food off every fork tine than he had to. The anger Damián had felt towards him had faded. It was his biggest weakness. He couldn’t hold a grudge. Especially against Leo. He was forgiving to a fault.

“I was nine when Leo was born,” Damián said. “I loved him.”

“Don’t tell them any stories,” Leo said.

Damián threw his arms around Leo. “When he was born, I called him ‘my baby.’ We couldn’t be separated.”

There was a dull pang as Leo stabbed Damián in the bicep with a fork. Damián pulled himself away.

“Ow, you fucking brat!” Damián snapped.

“Don’t strangle me.”

“I wasn’t strangling you. It was a hug. Why don’t you love me?”

“Jesus fucking Christ.”

Damián refused to let himself get angry again. “Why do you hate me?”

“I don’t!” Leo turned to Alex. “This is what you’re getting yourself into. He’s clingy and a drama queen.”

Alex’s face flushed. Damián stood dumb-struck as well. Did Leo think they were dating? Or think they were headed down that path?

Damián hated the word “dating.” It felt juvenile. He hated going on dates when they were genuine. To him, there was no way to say he was going on a “date” with dignity. He always felt like a high schooler again, meeting up with some girl after school—which only resurfaced more feelings of being hurt and confused and scared.

Sure, he slept with Alex. Sure, there were those feelings that made his tummy flip when he saw Alex.

He pivoted the conversation. He deflected.

“I loved Leo even when he ripped up my Princess Di Beanie Baby,” he said.

Alex’s stunned look turned to one of bemusement.

“You had a Princess Di Beanie Baby?” Eve asked. She tucked her hair behind her ear. “So, did you have to come out to your family or did it just go unsaid?”

Damián barked out a shocked laugh. “I mean, that probably should have been our first hint. I did keep her in one of those special Beanie Baby cases.”

“A what?” Eve asked.

“She didn’t grow up during the Beanie Baby craze,” Alex explained. “She doesn’t know what that is. Eve, have you even seen a Beanie Baby before?”

“Yes!” Eve said, defensive. “I’ve seen them. They’re on TV and stuff.”

“I mean in real life.”

“TV is kinda like real life.”

“It absolutely is not.”

“Do you want to see one in-person?” Damián pressed his hands to cheeks. His time had come. This was a perfect distraction for everyone. “I’ll be right back.”

He sprinted from the room. Behind him, he could hear Leo complaining. The dishwasher door closed with more force than necessary.

In his bedroom, on a shelf, sat a handful of Beanie Babies.

His prized possession, stitched back up by his mother, sat in her plastic case. The generic purple bear with a white rose had seen better days, but Damián had loved her since he got her from a secondhand store years after Princess Diana had died.

He took her case off the shelf and grabbed the others. Spunky, Zip, and Seaweed. Leo was rambling about how dramatic Damián was over his ‘90s memorabilia when Damián returned and laid them on the table. Alex looked at him with a soft smile.

Eve picked up the snail. “What was so special about them?”

“Nothing,” Alex said. He picked up the Princess Bear. “They were cute and collectible, and people thought they’d get rich off of them.”

“I still think I could make some money in a few years,” Damián said.

“You won’t,” Alex said.

“I think you got scammed as an 8-year-old,” Leo agreed.

“Okay, well, when I’m in my mansion with my Beanie Babies money, none of you are invited,” Damián said.

Alex was examining the stitching along the arm and neck of the Princess Bear. It was well done. Damián’s mother was talented in all homemaking skills. She could cook, clean, and sew anything back together—which came in handy considering she had two sons who were a bit rough with their belongings. But the stitch on the Beanie Baby was puckered up like an old scar along its original seam.

“How did you rip this, Leo?” Alex asked.

“I don’t know. I was two,” Leo said.

“He did it with his grubby, little toddler hands,” Damián said. “I was inconsolable. I came home, and she was laying in my room with her beans spilling out. They were everywhere. It was a crime scene.”

“Aw. Poor Diana. She never caught a break.”

Alex gently set her back down in her clear plastic cube. He made sure she was sitting up as best as she could and stroked the top of her head. Damián was touched.

Eve, meanwhile, held the snail above her head and let it drop to the table with a satisfying plop. Damián gasped in feigned-heightened scandal.

“Don’t do that to Swirly!” he said.

“To fucking whom?”

Alex swatted Eve with the back of his hand. “He obviously cares about them. Don’t trash them.”

He shook Swirly out and laid him back down in his normal shape. Leo shoved the toys out of his way. The little ones might as well have torn Damián’s heart out and thrown it out the window.

“Eve, do you want to keep studying?” Leo asked.

Eve groaned. “I guess. Damián, can I keep Swiper as a study buddy?”

“His name is Swirly, and yes. But if you drop him to his death again, I’m confiscating him.”

“I think they’re pretty impressive,” Alex said. “I think it’s cool you took care of something for so long.”

Damián grabbed his hand and tugged him into the living room. “If you think those are impressive, check out my plants.”

He toured Alex through his houseplants. The monstera, the succulents, the ivy. And then there was his real pride.

Damián presented his marigolds with two hands. Every year, he bought a new plant just to keep up somewhat with some kind of tradition. His abuela had always bought marigolds at the end of October. She tended to them dutifully. Some years she even asked Damián to help her tend to them. She guided his hands to water them and pluck off dead petals and leaves.  

They were her most prized flowers every year. She kept them inside just like he did. New York autumns weren’t kind to them. Just like her, she said, as she got older. But that was alright. She always had her flowers inside with her to brave out the weather until spring came again.

Damián bought his own from a little, busy nursery outside of town. His first year, it was an act of defiance. He was nervous and shaky and had a wad of cash and coins he had saved up for months. He returned home, to his dark, tiny apartment, and laid them out where his roommates wouldn’t knock them over.

He tended to them as he remembered his grandmother doing. They flourished. And he felt a little acceptance from the universe with that. If he could keep marigolds alive all by himself, he didn’t really need his family after all.

“Nice,” Alex said. “They’re pretty.”

“That’s all you have to say?”

“They’re… a nice orange. And… round. Impressively round.”

“Do you know how many old women’s elbows I had to endure to get to this one? It’s symmetrical! It’s full. This was one of the best plants they had.”

“Not the very best?”

“Those grandmothers are fierce.”

Really, he had patiently waited for all of the elderly women around him to take their pick first. He even, somehow, got roped into carrying one out to a particularly old women’s car. She shouldn’t have been driving at all, he thought, when he watched her run the stop sign on her way out of the nursery’s parking lot.

“They really are nice,” Alex said. “I just don’t know a lot about plants.”

He reached out and brushed a flower with his fingers tips. He was just as gentle as he was with Damián’s Beanie Babies. Maybe Alex was just a gentle person, careful around everything that needed a little extra love and care.

He was so delightfully small himself, it would make sense that he understood that some things needed special care. And that made Damián want to take special care of Alex. He was like one of his Beanie Babies. Like his Princess Di bear that needed extra love. Damián wanted to put Alex on his shelf with a protective clear box around him.

I’m deranged, Damián thought. I need to get out of the apartment.

Damián looked back at Eve and Leo. Their heads were bent over the table. Eve was focused on her paper, and Leo was focused on her.

“Do you want to give them some space?” Damián asked. “Let them have quiet to study?”

“Yeah, sure. Did you have a place in mind?”

Alex agreed quickly. Success! Damián was waving a leaf of lettuce in front of that little turtle’s shell, and his head was sticking right out.

Damián screwed up his mouth. Not a single thing came to mind. A club wouldn’t be good on a weekday. They could see a movie, but Damián wasn’t sure if there was anything playing in theaters that was appealing. There were a hundred other things to do in the biggest city in the country, but nothing Damián wanted to do with Alex.

Alex was on his phone. “I wish museums were still open. I could pretend I was sophisticated in front of you.”

A museum would have been fun. They could have walked around in the quiet for a while, commenting on everything. The art or artifacts or whatever they were seeing depended on the museum.

But museums had all closed hours ago. Most of them, at least. There was at least one that Damián knew of that would have been open for a while longer.

“Oh!” Damián grabbed Alex’s arm. “Have you ever been to the Museum of Sex?”

“No.”

“Do you want to go? I know they’re still open. You can say no if you want.”

“We can go! It sounds… neat.”

“It’s very neat. But if you want to leave at any time, let me know.”

They told Leo and Eve that they were leaving and were barely acknowledged. Eve continued working through a problem Leo had chosen for her. Leo nodded at them before taking Eve’s pencil from her hand and correcting her current step. His explanation was gentle. She was overthinking the problem. It wasn’t going to take as long to solve it as she thought.

Damián called the Uber and bought their tickets on their website, and they were on their way.

[lovemesomesurveys]

[joybucket @ bzoink]

How long has it been since you moved out of the house you grew up in?   A little over a decade ago. 

What color shirt are you wearing?   It’s like a periwinkle color. 

The last time you ate leftovers, what was it that you were eating?   It was the last time I had pizza. 

What was the last flavor of ice cream you ate?   I had Reese’s ice cream just a bit ago. So good.

Do you regret anything you've done in the last 24 hours, and if so, what?   I don’t think so.

What is your favorite type of soup? 🍜   I don’t have one. I used to be obsessed with ramen as some of ya’ll may remember, but I don’t know everything got all weird when my health really declined and my tastes changed.

When was the last time you saw a beautiful sunset? 🌅   I have no idea. 

What is your favorite song at the moment?   I don’t have a particular current favorite. 

What are 5-10 things you love about being you? Mehhhh.

What is your favorite board that you've made on Pinterest?   I have various boards that I enjoy.

Do you get on Facebook or Instagram more?   Facebook, but I really don’t spend much time on there either. I just rarely go on Instagram, so. Not sure about this Threads thing, but to be fair I fought against Facebook when everyone started ditching Myspace for it and even my very first post on here says something like, “I don’t know how much I’ll actually use this.” That was in 2009, by the way. 

What color is your favorite sweater?   Black.

What are three things people would never guess about you just by looking at the photos you post on social media?   -Well, I have a friend I chat with in a tiktok live for someone we both obviously watch, but also someone we mod for. Anyway, she was apparently shook when I told her I was turning 34 soon. She claims she legit thought I was 21. I was like omg nice, good people do exist thank you so much lmaoooo. 

-You couldn’t know what health struggles I’ve been struggling with physically and mentally just based off a selfie. 

-Uhhh, you couldn’t guess .... I don’t know, there’s a ton of things you couldn’t guess just based off a photo.

What is one thing you have too much of?   Stuff. But I waaaaant it.

What was the last thing you ate or drank that was blue raspberry-flavored?A slushie quite awhile ago.

What are three of your favorite scents?   Patchouli, cedar wood, sandalwood. 

What was the last flavor of tea you drank? ☕️   Chamomile. 

When was the last time you wore your hair in a fishtail braid?   I’ve never worn my hair that way. I don’t know how to do that type of braid myself and I’ve never asked anyone else to do it for me. 

What is one annoying thing your computer does?   It’s getting a bit laggy. It’s my brother’s that I’ve been using ever since mine went kaput last April, for which I am extremely grateful for. However, it’s full of stuff and it’s super unorganized, so it drives me nuts but I can’t just go cleaning out his laptop and shit. I’m gonna have to ask him if he can clear stuff up, though. I feel so bad I like took over his laptop. It was especially nice to have when I was in the hospital. He’s been really cool about it cause he really didn’t use it anymore once he finished school, but still. He’s furthering his education and going for his master’s, so I think he may need his laptop back. Although, I honestly kinda think he’ll just buy a new one. 

What type of fruit do you eat the most?   I very rarely eat any fruit or consider myself a big fan, but I do like bananas. 

How often do you go out to eat?   I haven’t been out to eat in SO long, but I get takeout all the time.

What would your dream wedding dress look like? 👰‍♀️   I’ve never thought about it, honestly. I don’t see myself ever even getting married to be honest. 

Which fall flavor do you prefer: pumpkin spice or apple cinnamon?   Apple cinnamon.

What is the most annoying thing about your life right now?   Being stuck in this damn bed. It’s beyond annoying. 

Which holiday treat do you like better: candy corn or conversation hearts? I like them both. I know, so controversial. 

What is your favorite apple-flavored treat?   Apple fritters are good.

What are you counting down the days to right now, if anything?   My birthday, kinda. I’m not able to go anywhere again, but at least I’m home and not in the hospital this year. Oh, so since the Barbie movie comes out near my birthday and I was obsessed with Barbies as a kid, I kinda joked about having a Barbie cake and wanting a Barbie, right? Well, it became a thing and now they’re looking for one and I think are getting me Barbies lmaooo. Anyway, so that’s something fun. 

What was the last book you read about?   It’s a murder mystery FBI type stuff.

Have you been daydreaming a lot lately about a scenario you wish would happen?  Yeah. I really want to travel. I need a vacation. I neeeeed the beach. I need a change of scenery. Can I be on bed rest at a nice beach rental overlooking the ocean? ha.

What are three of your favorite things about camping? ⛺️   Nothing, I’m not a camping person.

If you could choose what month to be born in, what month would you have chosen as your birth month, and why?   October would be cool.

...and what is your actual birth month?   July.

What are three of your favorite things to do on a rainy day? 🌧️   I don’t do anything different, but I do love the rain.

Would you rather eat strawberries 🍓 or watermelon 🍉?   I like both.

Do you prefer smoothies or milkshakes? 🍹   Milkshakes. 

Do you prefer hamburgers 🍔 or hot dogs 🌭?   Hot dogs. 

When was the last time you felt nauseous?   Earlier. I feel that way a lot. 

What was the last thing you ate that made you feel nauseous?   I always feel sick after getting my formula in the g-tube.

Do you enjoy going to your local county fair?   I have never been. Not my thing.

How far away do you live from the place where you were born?   Like 10 minutes.

Do you prefer zebra print or cheetah print? I’m not a fan of either, honestly.

[chirpsythismorning]

You know what I was thinking? The Duffers have joked numerous times about fan theories and how some of them are right or close to right or way off, but that they love seeing what fans come up with in general basically.

Although I know it’s unlikely that they themselves have the time to just go and look at what fans are thinking, as they’ve literally said they’re not going to do stuff like ‘check Reddit’ before they make decisions about the show.

And yet, I do think that considering how many people are involved with the show, they’re still going to get that feedback one way or another.

I remember Noah joked at a con recently, about how he saw a theory on tiktok and so he sent it to the Duffers and said THIS IS SO COOL PLS DO SOMETHING WITH THIS… and even added cryptically that he does give them insight into what he thinks.

And Noah’s not the only one. David has said plenty of times that the Duffers allow a lot of input by the actors for their characters. Maya and Finn specifically have boasted in recent interviews about how much care the Duffers put into the story…

Although the Duffers definitely have a vision, I genuinely think they give the actors themselves a bit of control and input, which allows their story to be as genuine possible.

I also think that they are pretty in the loop when it comes to fandom discourse, at least the basics of it.

Like, I doubt they know about mikhailgate, but I can 100% guarantee they know fans have picked up on Blue meets Yellow—

It’s important for them to stay in the loop somewhat because there’s possibilities of errors on their end being acknowledged, things they missed, and so they obviously benefit from looking into what fans are talking about, to tweak anything going forward with the upcoming season and avoid discrepancies where they can.

Also, not that I think they would just outright steal ideas from fans, there’s still a good chance that things we weren’t right about, that they didn’t intend in any way, upon hearing about it, depending on how crazy impressive the detail is, I could totally see them running with it like, “Yep that was intentional 😁!” And I wouldn’t even blame them for it.

So just remember, if you make a post and it gets lots of engagements, there’s a big possibility someone will see it and it will end up in front of the Duffer Brothers… do with that information what you will…

[a-dumb-sarcastic-bisexual]

So I rewatched Raya.

And I was really trying to watch it without a skeptical lens. I wanted to be able to act like the oblivious kids in that theater and just enjoy the movie. But I just couldn't. I've mentioned it before it's a gorgeous movie but there are so many things wrong with it that just bug me. And I’ve mentioned before the changes that could be made to fix it and the main one being just completely scrapping the movie and starting from scratch with a tv show. And because I’m on spring break and I have nothing to do (also I’m a perfectionist and I tend to hyper-fixate on things that I know have easy solutions) I broke down how I would make it better in two different categories. The first one being kind of baseline stuff like animation and character designs and other stuff I had small problems with and the second being plot.

Section One:

Okay so I know we all hate Sisu’s design. As someone who grew up with Naga carvings and paintings all around my house seeing this Elsa fursona was like a slap to the face. Like I know I really shouldn’t expect more from Disney but I did. I mentioned in this post that I would have loved to see a longer series even if it meant the animation quality went down. And I feel like Neeith_ on TikTok did a great job of drawing what Sisu could have looked like which only disappointed me more. Caldatelier on Twitter also pointed out the many flaws with Raya’s outfit design which fully proved to me that Disney did little to no research and chose style points over historical accuracy. I also felt like the designs of the main characters were very unremarkable and before you’re like “that the whole point it’s supposed to be normal people saving the world” I don't mean that I mean it feels like they took previous designs and just made them Asian. Like my sister and I were talking about it and she said the baby just reminded her of the boss baby and Tong reminded her of one of the twins from rapunzel with a little more depth. This is also kind of a small thing but it kind of bugged me that they were all the same skin tone if not lighter. SEA is incredibly diverse and if they weren’t going to represent all of the cultures in full then they could at least shown their features. I feel like the food should have been more important. I know I mentioned it in my last post but food is an incredibly important part of our culture. It’s not a placeholder or a set-piece to make a scene look more aesthetically pleasing. It’s a way for us to bond and show each other we care it’s a way we show genuine love and appreciation. And when you have a main character who is emotionally stunted it felt like food was a perfect way for her to show her love and they blew it. Like can you imagine Raya and her dad getting into huge fights and then bringing each other food as an apology sitting in front of that window not needing to say a word because they simply get each other? Can you imagine Raya visiting Namaari and stocking up on foods that she knows Namaari loves but also hasn’t been able to eat for a while? We could have had genuinely heartwarming scenes centered around food but instead, we got set pieces and props. And one more thing that stuck with me was the voice acting this movie should have been a change for SEA voice actors to really put their names out there and be a part of a really big Disney project but as always out voiced were overshadowed by someone lighter.

Section Two:

(I’m going to warn you this is gonna be really long because I’m essentially rewriting the entire plot because as I said before I’m a perfectionist)

I feel like the first ep should be dedicated to the backstory and the lore

How were the Druuns made how where they defeated

I feel like it would have been interesting to see them fighting over the gem

But I think it would have been really interesting to see from the get-go how Sisu wasn’t the one who made the gem

So instead of having this big reveal alongside Raya, we would know that her hope of finding this all powerful Naga is hopeless because the story was a lie

Another thing I think another person who should have had more screentime was Raya’s dad

I think it would have been interesting to know his backstory and get some questions answered like “why does he have so much faith in the other rulers to help him on his journey to make Kumandra a thing?” “When did he become the protector of the gem?” “And how many attempts of stealing the gem has he thwarted”

Also as much as I love him I feel like his personality incredibly unrealistic because all SEA men I’ve met have been really emotionally stunted

Idk it’s just a small thing that made me go “eh he talks to his daughter. What kind of magic world is this?”

I would have liked to see Raya’s various attempts at becoming a protector of the gem

I think it would have been a really good way to show how resilient she is from a very young age

And when she finally succeeds the audience could have celebrated with her like a small “yes she finally got it and all her hard work finally paid off” moment

I feel like we should have gotten more Raya and Namaari moments right from the start

Like how they meet is basically the same but Raya doesn’t trust her with the gem’s location an hour after meeting her

It's a trust that both of them fought for in their own way

Like you get to see them bond over their mutual understanding of “well the worlds fucked”

So when Namaari finally stabs Raya in the back when she betrays her for the first time it hurts when she says the throwaway line about them being friends in another world in burns Raya

Because she thought they were friends and she genuinely trusted Namaari

Which would have really justified her distrust in the world

And again I feel like we should have seen that 6 year period of Raya trying to find Sisu

We would get to experience the frustration of building up the hope of finally finding her just to have it knocked down when she’s not there

It could also do two more things

Raya making genuine connections with people

And Raya and Namaari’s strange alliance forming

Now for the first one, I feel like it would have been really cool for Raya to be introduced to the different lands

And yeah sure I feel like it would make her feel like kind of a tourist but I feel like it would be really interesting to see her go through culture shock

Because she really thought she knew these places but boom they’re completely different from what she was told

And while she’s making her way around she learns about the different lands and the people inhabiting them and also their culture

We could have seen Raya make genuine connections outside of the main cast

And if you’re feeling a little masochistic we could see her lose those people because of the druune or simply because they died

But the main point is we would be able to see her become less and less selfish

Now back to Raya and Namaari’s alliance/romance later on

I mentioned in my other post that when Raya trusted Namaari to put the gem back together it felt very flat very fake

So I feel like it would be cool for the series to be split into two parts the first part being from Raya’s perspective and the second part being Namaari’s

I also feel like Namaari would have to be a constant in Raya’s journey

And what I mean by that is like she’s there every other episode either trying to stop Raya or she’s trying to save her from life or death situations

And later on down the line, we find out the main reason why she kept helping Raya (in her own way) was that she didn’t want to see her get seriously hurt

But anyway that’s mostly backstory and now we’re in the present tense

And like I said before we know that Sisu wasn’t the one who made the gem so we know that Raya’s quest is pointless

But because we’ve seen her various attempts at becoming the protector of the gem and the six years of looking for Sisu we know she’s too stubborn to give up just yet

So she and Sisu head out to find the other gem pieces

Now with context, her and Namaari’s standoff has more tension because for the first time in years Namaari doesn’t know the motives behind Raya’s actions

I don’t really have many ideas for Sisu other than she starts to trust people less and less

Like she’s still really innocent for the most part but there’s a small part of her a really small part that’s kind of lost faith in humanity

And after this, we meet Boun

I feel like we should have known more about Boun considering the fact he’s the first side characters we met

But it’s very clear they gave no thought to his character I’m sure they just wrote down “funny kid who lost his family”

This is such a shame because he could have been so much more than just “Raya’s funny younger brother”

Like he could have been this selfless kid who hands out food to the orphans around and offering his ship to homeless people during the night

Next with the baby and the monkeys, there’s really not much you can do with them unless you seriously age them up

Like at the very least have Noi be a grade-schooler who can express more emotions than mad and hungry

Like she can still be the baby of the group while taking care of herself and expressing her emotions a great example of this is Polly from amphibia (which is a great show with a SEA main character you should check it out)

With Tong, I have two words: Survivors Guilt which is something Raya would be able to relate to in fact they all would

I feel like Tong’s entire character arc would be him realizing that he can’t save everyone

Which yeah sure would seem pretty contradictory with the ending being them literally saving everybody but I have a fix for that too

And finally, we get to Namaari who is selfless to a fault

Giving me very much typical Disney princess she gives up food to kids who seem particularly hungry

She’s usually the one who tells the stories to the kids but her mom was taking over that day

She helps her people in any way she can and honestly, she’s wearing herself a little thin

Because while she’s doing all that she’s also saving Raya & co from their own mistakes

Giving me very much burning the candle at both ends

So you see all these characters bonding over the course of at least a year

Making and losing more allies along the way

And because Namaari has been helping them they trust her… for the most part

But there have been times when she trips them up and makes their end goal all the more difficult

And because they haven’t known her as long as Raya has each character has at least one moment when they look up at the sky and scream in frustration “What is this binturi’s deal!”

But anyway they finally get to fang and Raya is more open to the idea of just talking to Namaari because she trusts her not because Sisu told her to but because she’s seen Namaari do good

And Namaari is even more reluctant to take the gem pieces by force because she has a decent relationship with Raya like yeah sure they’re not best friends but they’re in a good place

And shocker shocker she’s maybe just maybe head over heels in love with the princess of heart

But her mother gives her an ultimatum and that is “either you take it from her or I will”

Because here’s the thing, Queen Virana isn't a moron the exact opposite in fact and she knows her daughter has been going easy on Raya these past six years

She also knows that she could squash Raya under her shoe if she damn well pleased and Namaari knows this too

So when Namaari gets her necklace back she doesn’t even hesitate to take her crossbow when she leaves

The meet up goes basically the same except its more Raya talking Namaari down than Sisu

And while they’re having their little heart to heart Sisu notices Namaari’s finger twitch and she goes to jump in front of Raya

And Namaari was shaken by the sudden movement and fires and kills Sisu

I feel like this would make Raya furious for two reasons one she killed her best friend and two she deep down trusted Namaari to do the right thing

So when the fight goes down instead of the whole “I don't care if you trust me because Sisu did” it would be “I trusted you and you murdered her”

And when the dust settles Raya realizes that this battle doesn’t matter because fighting Namaari isn’t going to bring Sisu and she’s also sick and tired of hurting the people she loves

And she decides to help people instead not because Sisu would want her to but because its the right thing to do

Which is cliche sure but its better than the scene they gave us which really wasn’t faithful to her character arc of not caring for people who aren't close to her

And I feel like Namaari joining her makes more sense with my context if anything else

And here’s how I would fix this scene even with them fighting the Druune off to the best of their abilities there are still falling buildings and the gem can’t really save people from that

So they lose some people not because of the Druune but because death happens even when the heroes are fighting their hardest

And because I feel like this would just affirm Tong’s character arc because there are people dying under these buildings he knows it’ll take too long to save them and its not time they have

So he leaves them behind prioritizing the people he knows he can save

Anyway, after a long battle scene, they finally end up underground

And it goes basically the same except it doesn’t take Raya as long to convince them

And instead of Raya’s reasoning of “Sisu told us to” it's more “all this fighting isn't going to bring Sisu back” and “I know she’s done something terrible and you can be mad at her after this but for now trust her”

So when they all make their sacrifices it’s less “I’m doing this for Raya” and more “I’m doing this because deep down I know you’ll do the right thing”

And Namaari does do the right thing obviously

Sisu comes back and it's all “yay we saved the world!” but it doesn’t really end there

Because I hate the “lifetime” ending of “even though we all went through incredibly traumatic events we’re all fine months later” no they’re running around for months and years fixing their mess

And while this is happening Raya and Namaari is mending their relationship they’ve apologized for all the terrible things they’ve done to each other

And when they’re fixing their world they’re helping each other become the best versions of themselves

That’s when they really fall in love

Like don't get me wrong they loved each other when all the bad shit was going down but there was too much bad blood them to really process it and talk it out

But that’s exactly what they do when it’s all over they talk it out for hours

In fact, they both said its the most they’ve heard the other speak

They both agree they’re in the best place to start a relationship and so they do

[thatmomentwhen345]

Ok ummmmmmmmmmmmmm

These last two weeks have been very emotionally exhausting because of finals and what I’m about to tell you and I don’t really know how to sum it up so I guess you’re getting the same treatment as my Facebook (this is copied directly from the post on there and was posted on December 12th for context)

(This is the beginning of the Facebook post)

You guys, I don’t know what to do.

You might have gathered from my last few posts, but I’m not okay. And it will sound like such a stupid reason to the majority of you. But I made an irreversible mistake back in 2019 that has been haunting me for the past week. This is the first time that I can remember regretting a decision this much. Was it my stubbornness, my closed-mindedness? Was it my see-it-to-believe-it tendencies? Was it my inability to learn from my mistakes?

For those who don’t know, on November 13th of this year, the YouTube channel Unus Annus was deleted from the platform forever. After one year of daily videos by Markiplier and CrankGameplays, it was all gone. The point of the channel was to remind us to use our time that we have alive wisely, because Memento Mori. Remember that you must die.

The channel started on November 15th of 2019, and, well, I don’t know anything about their beginnings. I just saw their introduction video in my recommended or on trending or something and thought, “Is that Markiplier? Shouldn’t he be focusing on his own channel? Who’s this other guy?” and moved on without a second thought. I occasionally saw their videos in the trending tab but ignored them. I didn’t even know they had such a big following. I thought it looked stupid and didn’t think about it until, well, the end.

A few weeks ago, my brother was watching the final livestream that would mark the day that the channel was deleted for good. I was in the room with the livestream on the TV, watching their final hours tick by, still not thinking about the channel at all. Just like, oh hey that thing that people were talking about, wasn’t it like, a cult? I didn’t think about it at all until... the fifth of December? Was it really only a week ago? That feels like a lifetime away now...

The YouTuber FootofaFerret released a video called “Pretending Unus Annus Isn’t Over” and I saw it in my reccomended. https://youtu.be/8SMpCbI9U00 I was like, hey, yeah, I remember that thing that ended. I trusted Foafy’s judgement because of his previous videos about saying goodbye to Steven Universe. So I watched it and don’t really remember how it made me feel. I just remember him saying that the Unus Annus fandom was in mourning and I was like “aw poor guys I’ve seen on TikTok some people are sad about it”. Foafy also suggested that people who were wanting more of the Unus Annus vibe to watch Mark’s Markiplier Makes playlist. I watched some of them and, again, moved on.

The timeline is fuzzy from here on. I’m still processing it, honestly. I think I might have looked up the Unus Annus theme (Turncoat by Michael Rothery) first? Then I think I found some compilations or clips from their videos and was like wow this stuff is funny. And then I realized that there are archived versions of all of their videos (that’s against the rules of Unus Annus for those who don’t know) and... don’t hate me... went looking for them. I watched two in full. I won’t say which two but just know that the second one I specifically searched out because I knew that they did a lot of random stuff on there and that there was a chance that they would do it too. And they did! It was a funny video. I realized how much of a fun dynamic that Ethan and Mark had and looked for more compilations. The more I watched, the more I realized that I had made a terrible mistake in 2019.

I had missed out on so much. And I couldn’t take it back without breaking the rules. The concept of Unus Annus intrigued me so much, all of the people involved on the channel worked so well together, they were all so funny, but now I could never experience it in full because I was stubborn and, well, thinking about other things this year. I could have jumped in at any point between then and November 13th of this year but I chose not to.

Monday was a rollercoaster. 1st stage: denial. I was like well this doesn’t matter, I’m not even in the UA fandom, it’s gone and I don’t care. But it wasn’t that simple of course. I kept watching the Markiplier Makes videos and the UA compilations and became particularly interested in Ethan. He seemed very genuine and sensitive and his on-camera chemistry with Mark was really entertaining. 2nd stage: anger. I was furious at myself for missing out. Those two videos I watched in full were just small teasers for what the entire channel was like. I hated that I couldn’t take it back. And I hated that if I did, I would’ve broken the rules and gone against Mark and Ethan’s wishes, which I also wouldn’t be able to take back. I was horribly conflicted. 3rd stage: bargaining. I desperately went after any content surrounding Unus Annus that I could without breaking the rules, and was still considering watching the illegal archives. I haven’t watched any more of them in full, but sometimes I watch parts of them in incognito mode when it becomes too much to bear.

Tuesday was... Tuesday had to have been the longest day I’ve had the entire year. 4th stage: depression. It was slowly sinking in, the gravity of my mistake. I was starting to realize how much of a phenomenon Unus Annus was and that it was so unique and had such a cool message and that it made so many peoples’ 2020 just a little bit better, but not mine. I then did what I always do and found my comfort in music. I put on a bunch of good songs that I hadn’t heard in a while and just... sat there painstakingly doing my math homework. I couldn’t concentrate on anything the whole day. Monday, either. The song Goodbye to a World by Porter Robinson came on and I was like hey, this song perfectly suits the way I’m feeling right now. I wondered if anyone else had made connections between this song and Unus Annus and looked to see if there had been any AMVs (animated music videos) about the idea and the end of UA. Lo and behold, this popped up and I watched it! https://youtu.be/-q-oByQWdlM It hit all the right spots and I just started bawling. What had I done? Why had I missed this opportunity to improve my 2020, just a little bit? Why had I missed this opportunity to get to know Mark and Ethan better? Everyone who had watched all of their videos could feel peace after the end, like Mark and Ethan. But I couldn’t. I could only forever regret my mistake. MY mistake.

Terrible things have happened this year, but all of them have been out of my control. This, however, was my fault. And I can never take it back. And I am having a very hard time handling that.

I don't know how many times I cried on Tuesday. The next song to come on after I watched the AMV was As the World Caves In by Matt Maltese which of course broke me even further. This song also perfectly encapsulated my dilemma. Later I finished my tribute drawing of the channel logo and felt the smallest bit better. The rest of the day is a blur.

Wednesday was better, I guess? I thought I had made it to the 5th stage: acceptance. I was still very sad and mad at myself but I was starting to realize that there was nothing I could do. I subscribed to Ethan’s channel and started getting to know him better. He’s so sweet and talented ☺️

But no, acceptance is still far away. Thursday and Friday were barely better than Tuesday. I painted my nails black and white as a way of coping. I went to a livestream on Ethan’s Twitch and it was really fun! I started watching more of his streams and on one of them he mentioned that his Twitch chat mods had TikToks. So I wondered if he also had a TikTok, which he does! I looked to see if he posted one on the day UA ended. The answer was no but he did post one the day after asking if someone with the skills required could make a mashup of the song Cancer by My Chemical Romance and As the World Caves In. https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMJqgyrkR/ I was like wowie this guys got taste! And so I looked up if there was a mashup. As a matter of fact, there was one by Clem Turner on YouTube that came out only three days after the end of Unus Annus. https://youtu.be/a5RTVoreSAY I cannot express how much I love this, what it made me feel, and how much it hurt/helped. So I commented on Ethan’s TikTok about it and only a few hours later a new comment appeared on Clem’s video. Ethan had seen it! So I’m just gonna assume I was responsible for that... not only that but half of the comments on the mashup were about Unus Annus as you can see below. I realized how big of a following UA had and felt bad (because of course the people who had actually been with UA the whole way would be grieving a lot more than me), but also, comforted by the fact we could all connect over the loss of something important to them, if in a lot of different ways.

I’m far from getting over this. I’m far from being okay. I’ve never really felt like this before. I feel like a different person than I was last week. But I wanted to write all this down to let it out, process it a little bit, and maybe get some comfort from you guys. It’s completely understandable if you didn’t read this all the way through so...

TLDR: Memento Mori.

(This is the end of the Facebook post)

What I just described really shifted a lot of things in my head in a way I didn’t expect and in a very short amount of time. So, long story short, my Steven Universe hyperfixation ended very suddenly because of an outside factor and I probably won’t be posting a lot about it anymore. Hope you understand.

(art by me but I used the official UA logo as a reference)

[lostmoonbunny]

Greetings from a Panini World

Yes, I did call this a "panini". I'm hesitant to use the word "pandemic" as I feel many of us have a knee jerk reaction to hide from everything once hearing or seeing that word. However that's the current stat of events. The year? 2021 Where I am located its very much so post quarantine and society has attempted to "return to normal" but its impossible. Between the anti- maskers, anti-vaxxers, and everything else it truly is impossible. "What do you mean?" you ask, well allow me to take you on a journey of a human that has gone through this "history in the making" and share what its been like since January 2020 to September 2021 from the eyes of someone that lived it. -I will preface this with saying, there will be gaps, I have trouble with object permanence, concept of time, and I have memory issues due to past concussions so bear with me as we stumble through the memories of my experiences.

So here we go... Let's travel back to January 2020.

2020..Ahhh the big year of "Clear vision".. HA! No, not today. What I remember was being concerned about this horrible virus but didn't think it would make its way to where I lived.. ( I would be unsurprisingly corrected shortly after this.) I worked, had my birthday, and it was quickly February. The virus was quickly spreading and making its way downtown walking fast faces past.. oops..sorry I got sidetracked, it was making its way down throughout the nation. We celebrated my partner's birthday, and soon after the month was over. February always flies by. March...ahh March, this is where everything started changing for me. Many states were shutting down around us fairly quickly too. ( I have opinions about how the US should've shut down sooner, but we're not here for politics...but yes it should've happened sooner.) My partner, younger brother and I made a last minute trip to the next state for a day trip. Which was fun don't get me wrong but the places we went to shut down for the state's quarantine the next day. My state would follow barely a week later. I was furloughed. That..that was an experience. All of us received the same message as it was a group message. It stated that we were all effectively unemployed ( so we could apply for benefits if we chose to) and that if and when we reopen that they hoped we could come back. I immediately messaged my boss and the boss that messaged us all and double checked learning that I was on the "short list" for rehires. That made me fee a bit better but I was still sad. My partner was considered "an Essential worker" so they worked through the entire lockdown. I swear Animal Crossing New Horizons is one of the only things that got me through that.. from this all the days blended together till June. Not don't get me wrong, plenty of things happened on a personal growth side that was beneficial like I started going to therapy, got even closer to my cousin that lives on the west coast, I played with my cats and dogs more, I caught up on sleep, all sorts of things but the way it had to happen sucked. Also in this time period, my favorite uncle contracts the virus and is put in the ICU on a ventilator. I don't remember how long he was in there but he made it. He is now healthy and survived the virus. So lets fast forward to June. My place of work reopened under specific guidelines. Now I don't know if I've ever mentioned this but I live in the southeast. The southeast, in summer is AWFUL. Its hot, its humid, and then if it DOES rain that humidity just goes up and it gets worse. To give you an idea while the temperature might say its 84 degrees F but the real feel might be 95F. I don't know why they don't just say 95F but that's how it is the southeast... So imagine if you will mid June, being reopened with special rules, masks required for everyone 5 years old and older, and no buildings but restrooms open to the public. The amount of rude, hateful, uncaring people almost made me lose my complete faith in humanity, and its not very high to begin with. Also for context, I work in retail. I feel that says enough there. These rules extend till the end of the year and into part of 2021. While all of this is happening the US is having their presidential elections and everyone has crawled out of the woodwork that you had hoped would stay there. At this point I'm hoping for the best because we really need a paradigm shift in society. We need to truly need to change as a society and in many way, catch up to the rest of the world. I finally gave in a got to tiktok and realize that it is very much a time devourer. I've realized that I feel as if the term "Cassflux" fits how I feel about my gender best, and fully accepted my journey on the path of being a witch.

Lets move in to October, October I ( and my partner) travel to Texas (cautiously) for my cousin's socially distant wedding and our anniversary. That was amazing and the slight escape from reality was truly needed. On our way back we made a stop in NOLA and it was a fun visit, but I realized my baby witch self hadn't veiled or warded myself nearly enough and it got all of "spidey senses" all out of wack. knowing now what I should've done, I do want to go back. The rest of the year went by both incredibly slow and yet in a flash. The US elected a new president, I was working as hard a possible to avoid the virus as much as possible and my partner had gotten a new job with a different company that was making them more happy. So this brings us to 2021. This is the year that I feel that I am truly coming into my own despite living in the middle of a global Panda Express. January brings my turning a landmark age and celebrating it with a new hair style, new outlook on life, progress made in therapy, more self acceptance, and just overall more happiness. The world is still the same, better, but also worse. The vaccine is being produced, distributed, and made accessible. February brings another birthday with my partner's birthday. March rolls around and we jokingly celebrate our work's closing a year prior and then continue to work. The vaccine is made available to retail and food workers so I go and get the first round of the "Dolly Parton" vaccine with my co workers. (If you were wondering its Moderna) We go and receive the second dose later at the correct time. April and May kind of blend together for me because that the ramp up for the busy season at work. June & July are busy but everything is moving forwards. I finally take a step more into the current era of technology and upgrade my phone and computer. ( After several years of going back and forth of not wanting current gen tech or not, because that stuff be expensive!) I reconnect with an old friend and we have a much healthier friendship.

August....hecking August.. We are short staffed at work, busy as heck! My partner is also hecking busy by being called in for almost every problem. The world is deffo changing. The US is in a state of nah nah a boo boo with vaccinating vs not, virus outbreaks having an uptick, universities starting back, Texas deciding that the government gets a say in a woman's reproductive rights... sorry I'll try to not get political. My ( like many others) using tiktok as a means of escape from this reality.. I'm so beyond mentally exhausted by everything that I just want to be somewhere that I can breathe a bit more easy... Its deffo not the southeastern US. September: I. am. exhausted. Working a bunch. Dealing with people doubting the virus, the usual Karens and Richards, counting down my days to vacation. My partner is beyond exhaustion. They've worked more in the past six weeks that they have in two years. The 20th year of 9/11 comes and goes. Not to sound like a country song, but remembering where I was at the moment the planes hit is something that has stuck with me...despite my concussions. I was in my English class and its was between classes and they had the tvs on. So many parents were coming and calling their kids out the school got to the point they weren't going to let kids leave.. ( if the parents complained enough they did.. I was a poorer kid in a more affluent school) My parents weren't going to take me out of school so I finished the day out in a state of confusion, not understanding the gravitas of what was going on, and not understanding was the emotions I was feeling watching the crashes were. I don't claim to even comprehend the emotions of this date to people who lost loved ones in the crashes, or in the oncoming days of the country going to war, I just know how it felt as a child to see something so major happening. I feel its like the kids now living through this panic at the disco. [[If you read this and you lost someone due to either of these horrific events please know that I in no way am invalidating or belittling your feelings or experiences. I merely am trying to describe all of how I feel throughout 2020- roughly current day 2021 and these are the things I was thinking and feeling on this particular day.]]

The days start to blend again as I attempt to countdown the days till my short vacation. Once that starts I get to finally relax as does my partner. The amount of sleep my partner has gotten is incredible and they deserve it dang it! This brings us to today, The last day of September 2021. This are changing at work and I'm not wholly sure of how I feel but I know it will be an interesting discussion for me to have with my therapist coming up. That's all I've got for now.. Hopefully I'll pop back in sooner to give more perspective on what its like living through all of this chaos. Just keep moving forward.

[trashno0dle]

Sanders Sides TikTok AU

A random AU I thought of while scrolling through TikTok. The sides, in a human AU set in highschool where they each have their own TikTok accounts and that's how they meet, eventually realizing they all go to the same school and become friends.

Character Names/Ages/Info:

Patton Foster | 16 | Just your local gay dumbass teenager really, not exactly the usual sweet, innocent, warm Patton like canon, he's well- actually a teenager y'know? A real person- probably has a lot of issues- a friend of Remus and Roman's family so he already knows them at first.

Roman Prince | 17 | Dumbass himbo, Remus' older twin brother (by fourteen minutes) very gay, pretty much the same as he is in canon, big theater nerd.

Remus Prince | 17 | Chaotic dumbass, Roman's younger twin brother (by fourteen minutes), his whole personality screams danger but he's actually pretty sweet once you get to know him well. Loves likes to hang out with Patton all the time.

Janus Smith | 17 | Just your local self proclaimed Lord of the Lies, like Roman he adores theatre and aspires to be an actor. This is why Roman and Janus actually get along in this AU, except they don't really at first.

Virgil Storm | 16 | Nonbinary transmasc, kinda insecure but they still don't take bullshit from other people. They're close to canon Virgil except they're a lot more open and trusting with their friends. Especially Logan.

Logan Berry | 17/2 | Nonbinary, a freakin nerd and a total bookworm. Roman teases them a lot but they honestly don't care for it. They can get a joke and they do have a wild sense of humor, you just have to get them to open up first. Is close to their friends, especially with Virgil.

Now onto how they all met and their individual TikToks including the name and what content its based on.

Remus/Patton | sadcheerbois | Basically Patton at first started up his own individual TikTok for baking since that's a hobby of his and he uses it to calm down (he has anger issues okay? I stan feral Patton) so he was filming in Roman and Remus' kitchen one day when Remus flour pranked Patton and uploaded it. The video got a bunch of views so Patton decided to film one pranking him back. In the end they decided to co-own the account and base it around dumbass content and pranks.

Roman | gaydisneyprince | Roman's content covers a lot of theater and acting and of course Disney. He may say he's not a nerd but the fact that he knows just about everything when it comes to theater just proves that wrong.

Virgil | stormiknight | They post a lot of content to do with cosplays, LGBTQ+ and mental health issues. At times Logan makes an appearance when Virgil isn't up to making a video on their own.

Logan | croftersboi | Simple plain but they honestly couldn't care less about the name. They sometimes post book reviews but mainly stuff consisting of their addiction to crofters jam- their private is literally just full of memes- they swear they will take the secret of their private account to the grave.

Janus | jansasnekboi | He usually posts something about his pet snakes Lupin and Sirius (he totally isn't a Harry Potter stan, don't worry, they all hate JK Rowling, as far as the gangs concerned Daniel Radcliff both wrote the books and starred in the movies djsgsje), and he also posts about to do with theater too.

That's it for their accounts sjsgsjshw and the relationships of the AU are:

Intruality (Pat and Remus both have crushes on each other but are too afraid to tell. In the end they're the last pair to get together)

Roceit (fuck yeahhh Roceit stans rise, though I don't ship this much I still added in there because what's better than two theater loving dorks dating?

Analogical (I gave hints about this in the character info so yeah, how could I not? I'm a Virgil kinnie and my partner is a Logan kinnie and this is just our ship so how could I not add this in? I need to stop projecting onto characters-)

Aaaaaaand yeah. I can add more? On how they all meet but it's pretty basic. Roman, Patton and Remus already know each other since Patton is a close friend of the family. Let's just say Patton doesn't exactly like his home life and prefers to hang with the twins during the day. And the rest? They basically run into each other at school and recognize each other from the videos and become fast friends. That's it. The end. I was considering making this some sort of ask blog but to be honest it depends if people actually like this idea which they probably won't.

[hakuryuu]

PLEASE I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW (EITHER-OR!) NEW OR RONAH’S ANSWERS FOR THE WHOLE MEME YOU POSTED

NEW 1. How would you (or they) describe their gender, without using standard binary terms?: new would describe her gender as the color the sky gets right before the sunrise gets started in the summer


2. Are they religious?: no…..sort of…….religion is hard one bc gods like Canonically Exist in this world and she Knows This And Believes In Them but she’s not particularly spiritual and doesn’t have one god she’s particularly devoted to AND because of the memory thing she only like vaguely knows that the gods exist at all so sjdflkjs


3. What social media platforms would they use (if in a world where those existed) and what would they use them for? Bonus: What would they get cancelled for?: new would probably have an instagram but not use it very much, she’d maybe post pictures of stuff now and again and she likes to follow people who make cool things but i think she would mostly make an instagram account and then forget about it (bonus: paz and caramel are BIG on twitter)


4. Do they have any weird scars, and how did they get them?: she has a bunch of regular accumulated life-living scars from like scratches and bug bites and falls and stuff, but nothing really weird except for that she doesn’t remember how she got a lot of them


5. What crime are they most likely to be arrested for?: loitering U__U


6. Ok, what crime are they most likely to have actually committed?: trespassing


7. If the one prison phone call thing was real, who would they call?: paz w/o hesitation (paz is the richest and will probably show up with caramel and run anyway)


8. Do they collect anything? What do they collect?: she collects little trinkets and things! usually small emotionally relevant items that are from or remind her of experiences she’s had (her haircutting knife, that portrait of run in her bag, the small bells off her dress, etc)


9. Who would they platonically marry for tax benefits?: PAZ…….


10. What superstition/paranormal entity/conspiracy theory do they believe is 100% real, whether or not they admit it?: i can’t think of anything like this for new im sorryyyyy i’ll come back to this one


11. What’s something embarrassing they did as a child/teenager?: [REDACTED DUE TO MEMORY LOSS]


12. What’s something embarrassing they probably did yesterday?: walked up to someone without looking directly at them, assumed they were run, started talking to them, and then realized that they were just a random stranger and not run


13. What hobby did they try once and give up on? Why?: jewelry-making! she wanted to make more fun earrings and stuff for herself and her friends but she doesn’t have access to many of the right tools for it and the stuff she managed to put together didn’t look how she wanted it to so she just stuck with weaving as a hobby


14. What niche topic do they get incredibly pedantic about?: SJKDGLF THANKS TO HER LIKE WEEK OF RESEARCH AT THE PIPER TOWN LIBRARY THAT ONE TIME SHE KNOWS SO MUCH ABOUT OLD RICH FAMILIES ON PANSIA…..paz will make some offhand comment about a family the mahaleys work at and new will be like. eyes emoji


15. What’s their favorite food to make?: she loves apple cinnamon oatmeal and loves to make it from scratch ;__;


16. What do you think this character’s worst decision was? What does this character think their worst decision was?: New Has Done Nothing Wrong In Her LIFE (SHE thinks her worst decision was agreeing to abandon caramel and run & go with paz when paz left them, even though they ended up turning back pretty quickly)


17. Is there anything you wish the writers had done differently with this character? Why?: I WOULD HAVE LOVED TO SEE THE WRITER GIVE HER SOME MORE CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT IN THE SECOND HALF OF FMFY, I THINK THAT SHE AND ALL OF THE CHARACTERS COULD HAVE REALLY BENEFITTED FROM EXPLORING THOSE NEW WEIRD DYNAMICS BEFORE THE CLIMAX OF THE BOOK,


18. What character from another work do you think they’d get along really well with?: within my own works (elise nano extended universe) i think that she would get along with maimou from ttsp (he’s that kind of friendly that would put her at ease and draw her out of her shyness somewhat i think), and outside of my own works i have this vague sense that she might get along with charlotte’s oc io?


19. What character from another work would be their mortal enemy?: not mortal enemy but i think that she and turnadot from lamsm would be at odds because of the like difference in approach they have to everything that’s happening to them and the difference of experience… oh iro i think would get frustrated at her easily i think


20. What’s a headcanon you’ve always wanted to share but none of these ask memes ever ask you about it?: I Am Constantly Sharing All My Headcanons And No One Can Stop Me

---

RONAH 1. How would you (or they) describe their gender, without using standard binary terms?: you know when you light a fire in the snow at night and the light is orange and the shadows are this bright blue? that color


2. Are they religious?: yes! they’re a big believer in the moon and the cycle (ironically….. :( )


3. What social media platforms would they use (if in a world where those existed) and what would they use them for? Bonus: What would they get cancelled for?: gjsdlgjsf i really feel like the closest they have to a social media presence is like. a goodreads account. and then they show up in the background of thrip’s tiktoks sometimes and their brothers reference them in tweets and raiv’s instagram has a lot of selfies with them


4. Do they have any weird scars, and how did they get them?: the only weird scar they have is one on their thigh where they accidentally cut themself mid-switch between elf and wolf forms and it took forever to heal and it’s BRIGHT red


5. What crime are they most likely to be arrested for?: grim answer: being a wolf shifter


6. Ok, what crime are they most likely to have actually committed?: accessory to murder U___U


7. If the one prison phone call thing was real, who would they call?: they’d want to call raiv, but they would call laithe (they would consider calling bliss “walked barefoot across the country to get out of a witchcraft trial” parvo and then immediately decide against it)


8. Do they collect anything? What do they collect?: they have a modest storybook/folktale book collection, just a small shelf of their favorites, but they aren’t really the collecting type


9. Who would they platonically marry for tax benefits?: they would (queer)platonically marry bliss for tax benefits, although honestly bliss is getting the benefit because it means they never have to do taxes again because ronah will do them


10. What superstition/paranormal entity/conspiracy theory do they believe is 100% real, whether or not they admit it?: probably one that they’re kind of embarrassed about but still believe deep down that lonaih and unaech (wolf shifter folk story cornerstones) are still alive and out there somewhere somehow


11. What’s something embarrassing they did as a child/teenager?: they were VERY into performing songs and plays and stuff when they were younger, which is something that they feel kind of silly and embarrassed about now (but they still love to tell stories)


12. What’s something embarrassing they probably did yesterday?: walked around the corner and saw themself in a mirror and scared themself


13. What hobby did they try once and give up on? Why?: music, because it was impractical…. :(


14. What niche topic do they get incredibly pedantic about?: LITERALLY EVERYTHING, THATS LIKE THEIR JOB, I LOVE THEM


15. What’s their favorite food to make?: do you remember that braid of pesto bread iro was briefly eating in the beginning of lle? you might not because i suddenly can’t remember if you read the whole thing or just the kavi chapter, BUT ronah learned how to make that because it’s both iro and thrip’s favorite food


16. What do you think this character’s worst decision was? What does this character think their worst decision was?: i personally think that the decision to actively assist their family in a scheme to murder a moon goddess for revenge isn’t the BEST idea they’ve ever had. ronah thinks their worst decision was leaving raiv behind


17. Is there anything you wish the writers had done differently with this character? Why?: it would be cool if the writer had. written the last three to five chapters of the book they’re in. i think that would have been neat
.

18. What character from another work do you think they’d get along really well with?: i think that they and kavi would bond over a love of family and stories!! w/i my own works i kind of like to think that they would get along with farfara from tayl. sonia from ttsp would also remind them of their family, and i think they’d like her for that


19. What character from another work would be their mortal enemy?: this is niche but the bounty hunter from see me through would hate them


20. What’s a headcanon you’ve always wanted to share but none of these ask memes ever ask you about it?: they used to dye their hair when they were younger!

[dontyougiveuponme]

6/7/2021 - Update and post of Vampires

Hello tumblr, it has been a while. I have this website pinned but I never bother to write anything. It’s been a little over two years since I last wrote. Yet again, I feel stagnant, or even getting worse. I feel like I’ve changed. I like to think that I’m not the kind of person that changes. I always tell everyone that asks me how I’ve been that everything is the “same old shit”. I feel far away from the person I once was. I can understand that we all mature in different ways, but I don’t want to be a person that I, myself do not like. I’ve turned cynical, critical, judgmental, just an overall non-believer of anything good or positive. Much of the day I can’t say I have any positive thoughts apart from laughing at dumb memes, but I can’t say that counts for anything substantial. I haven’t accomplished much at all within these past two years, and it’s weighing heavy on my mind. I really do want to fix myself and my bad habits. I’ll be 29 this year, so by the time I hit the big three zero, I want to have my life and visions together. In order to take steps in this light, is the reason I decided to write again. I am constantly feeling tired both mentally and physically pretty much everyday of my life now, and I can say that it’s probably the worst it’s been. I don’t remember the last time I got some decent rest. My mind is polluted with so much bullshit I can only manage the upkeep of basic day to day living. My productivity and creativity are in the dump. This shit sucks, hopefully I can organize my thoughts and convince myself to change! Here we go..

Vampires, things that drain my energy:

Phone/social media - Social media is a piece of shit. It amazes me how I keep opening up IG on my phone to just scroll valuable moments of my life away. There’s many times I see things I really don’t like seeing and it actually makes me mad. I hate seeing political shit. Everything has an agenda now. Everyone is a hero now. Everything is money now. Rarely do I see things that I like on there (Isn’t that the whole reason to have the damn thing anyway?). There’s not much genuine things on social media anymore, it’s all just recycled trash. They literally show that shit in your feed even though you’re not subscribed/following them. Everything is an ad now. So much sales pitching, even for oneself as a brand. There’s nothing genuine about it in my eyes, and I really would like to live with less of it. It’s impossible to avoid completely in regular daily life now. I don’t need to be consuming half as much of  all this bullshit on social media. Actually there’s also another side of social media that’s related to my next vampire.

Porn - Some social media posts are kinda like porn. You know the things (TikToks/Reels) you just keep watching over and over.. and over again? It might not necessarily make your peepee feel funny but there’s definitely some kind of strange chemical reactions going on in your brain when you watch that shit. It’s a vampire, like porn is. Porn, I feel like is actually huge in terms of draining energy. I mean of course in moderation, masturbation actually can’t be terrible for you, but what I want to talk about is the frequent kind (lol). I think doing it everyday is too much, especially as you get older. I can’t say I’ve ever came and felt a rush of energy, I usually just pass the fuck out (maybe I should look in to some Kama Sutra shit or something). I’m not an expert on health, but it can’t be good to put your body under the stress of manufacturing all that semen over and over, day after day, after day. I think naturally if there was too much semen, you’d just have a wet dream or something. I mean, it’s been a while since that’s happened to me though. Anyways, I think the body could use some rest from too many orgasms! Yeah I said it. It’s also really draining mentally as well. I feel worse mentally after watching porn than physically (DUH). Well to put it bluntly, porn is fucked up. I can’t quite put my finger on it (uhhhh nasty), but it’s just not right to enjoy watching people have sex and stuff. I’m just a viewer of porn. I’m indirectly supporting this machine that is destructive. I understand that there’s women (and men) that see great success in their lives from the porn industry, and I can’t knock that, although it may confuse me, maybe it is some people’s true passion to suck 100 guys dicks in one sitting. I DON’T KNOW. I just can’t help but feel bad when I see a girl that is clearly beautiful, could have been an actress or a model, and there she is taking it up the shitter. A part of me dies a little bit every time I get off, and think of deeper things like that. I don’t think that if any of those women had a chance to do something else and be successful, they wouldn’t ever choose to do porn. It’s just not fair to them, and now that I think about it, it’s crazy that their success depends on the base of fucked up viewers that they have. Not a pretty thought on all levels, also considering the women that did it and did not succeed. Overall, porn makes me feel like shit, and I need to stop fucking watching it.

Drugs - I can’t deny how nice the idea of having a few drinks or an having occasional cigarette. They’re great socially. By yourself though (which I tend to do often), it is a sad thing. I think it is a sad thing even with other people, when there’s not much reason to be consuming drugs. I understand that they can be a “social lubricant”, but really when you are consuming so much of it you can’t really call it a lubricant. It’s more like a flood, or like a wave that everyone is just riding, instead of people interacting normally. Drinking in excess for me has been common, too common I’d say. I would drink (a lot) with friends maybe every weekend. Recently, I’ve snapped and yelled at some of my friends in some kind of drunken rage (which is actually not even the first time) . This kind of behavior makes me very uncomfortable. I want to be happy and laugh with my friends, not be angry. Drinking is terrible for sleeping as well. You wake up feeling like complete trash, and your whole day has already passed. It steals a lot of life away. Moving on, cigarettes were an everyday thing for me. It was never so bad as to a pack a day, but I’d say I would do a pack or maybe two in a week, so a few a day. Cigarettes are nice in a social setting in a different way from alcohol, it sort of makes you more alert. In regular day to day life though, they are like taking a breath of fresh air. I know how ironic it sounds (lol), but the most common application is to have a cigarette after work. It stimulates you and somehow relaxes you at the same time. In that way cigarettes for me are such a chill drug, like you can’t get “drunk” on them if that makes sense. To be sitting listening to music and enjoy a cigarette is a subtle, but nice feeling. Apart from all that, they do make you feel like shit in a strange very obvious addiction kind of way. You always want one. The triggers are wide. They make you short on breath in physical activity. It does actually have some reactions in your brain to produce feel-good chemicals, so it does steal away some “happiness”. It is also very bad for health long-term, as is drinking too. I need to sober up and look at these drugs from a more mature perspective. I would love to be able to control my usage of them, because I can’t help it; I love beer, I love whiskey, and a cigarette tastes amazing sometimes.

General laziness/boredom - The biggest sign, sleeping way too much. There has to be more to life (lol). I can’t control my naps, they end up taking hours. This happens even after I get enough sleep. There’s so much to do, so much fun, so much building to be done, and what do I do? I’M FUCKING BORED. I’m so spoiled, or a better word I like to use, rotten. In general, I would safely say that boredom is the cause, and the other things listed above (phone, masturbation, drugs), are the effect. If I can learn how to properly control my boredom, I could effectively control all those vices. I think this should be a post on it’s own so I’ll try to attack this and write about it later.

Anyways, It’s sorta sad in a weird way that I haven’t been able to update in a while. So many things have happened. My cat (Nibbler) almost had to get put down and got surgery for free (He is doing great). The old place in Norcross I was renting got burned out, I lived with my brother for two months, and found a new place. I have a girlfriend now (albeit on and off). I’ve been working with my friend for almost two years now, no longer typing away at an office job. My sister Alisha moved to Japan, and very recently my youngest sister Anna finally turned 21. Time passes by and so many big things happen, it’s sad to not write about it. I know I was keeping a physical planner/diary, but I feel like on here I can write more freely and deeper (I don’t know why). Anyways, I hope not too much time passes before I write again. Until next time. ^-^

[i-just-really-like-ladies]

Hey op, I saw your post about discovering you were autistic. Something similar is happening to me except I haven't gone for a diagnosis yet. Would it be okay for you to talk about how you knew?

For me there are things that...fit really well, that hit very close to home, but others not so, so Im not sure if whatever it is that I've got (because clearly, something is there.) I'm not very sure if the autistic spectrum can be so wide as for me to be included in it.

Any tips?

Of course, happy to help.

For me there were three kind of bigger indicators.

First, and after discussing this one with my therapist, it seems to be very consistent across autistic people: I've always felt different. Like I knew that I was at the very least slightly off in comparison to other people. (Please excuse the phrasing, I couldn't think of another way to put it properly).

Second, linked with the first: I have always experienced this thing I like to describe as 'not feeling like a real person'. All that really means is that I see the way other people are out laughing boldly with friends or joking or just straight up experiencing the world, and I think "man, I wish I could be a real person." And it always made me sad because I was consciously realising that I cannot and do not experience the world in the same way most neurotypical people do. It was just this huge feeling of otherness. (My therapist indicated that this is very common)

Third: masking. Now, this one made me feel bad for a really long time because I had no clue what was going on until my ex-girlfriend was like "oh, yeah, that's masking." For me, one of the biggest ways I mask is to copy mannerisms and speech patterns of people I'm around. I do it the most when I really like someone (friend like or romantically) or when a person makes me so extremely uncomfortable that I guess my brain is like "you need to mimic them for safety reasons." The reason this one bothered me so much is that I always felt like I just couldn't have my own personality, why was I always copying other people, surely they've all noticed and think I'm a fucking weirdo. It was very upsetting until I learned it was masking. Finding that out has helped me to accept it when I do it, even though I am trying to mask less.

So, those are the big three. There are lots of other minor things. I have ocd, which very commonly goes hand in hand with Autism. I got that need for rigid schedule and following the same patterns almost daily (slight variations are okay, but people planning stuff and not telling me when I've already set up my personal schedule for the day in my head, big no no). I eat the same foods on repeat and have an extremely difficult time changing it up. When I like food or dislike it, the primary reason is texture. (My fiance actually pointed this one out. Apparently I talk about the texture of food a ton).

I'm sure you've probably come across information about the emotionality of Autistic people. The common trope is that we are very emotionless. However, thats not accurate at all. There are two main big categories of where we can fall: tending to not feel emotions very strongly (the trope), and feeling emotions very intensely, more intensely than neurotypical society says is appropriate 🙄. I fall into this category, and I hate it because I have spent so much time trying to just not feel my emotions because they are so intense and my expression of them is 'inappropriate' that it has caused a great many mental health issues for me. So the eye roll face is because I think that the appropriate expression of emotion dictated by most of society is stupid. Along with this one, I have a hard time verbalizing and verbally identifying how I am feeling. As a result, I tend to just tell people I am upset. My therapist says this is somewhat common amongst Autistic individuals. I cannot recall the reasoning she gave for it being common, but I am including it because it was brought up in the process of discussing all this.

I also have this huge tendency to overexplain my reasons for things I've done or said because I do not want to be misunderstood/I have experienced misunderstanding so many times that I learned to do this at some point (I consider this to be part of my masking). This one seems to be pretty common, at least from tiktok. I've seen a lot of Autistic people on tiktok mention it.

Side note in relation to this but still relevant to the post imo, I hate that society tends to think you are lying the more detail you provide. I have a tendency to find all details absolutely vital. So when telling someone about what happened in a situation, I relay as much information as I can. Apparently, that means you are lying. It frustrates me a lot.

In that same vein, another thing my therapist said is fairly common: many Autistic people like to ask why continuously. Not as in just repeating "why," but rather that someone will say "I don't know" or provide an answer, but we often are still seeking a further reason. I've done this my entire life, and booooy does it aggravate people. For me it is just that I want to know the reasoning behind things. I want to know as much information as possible about the topic, and, as mentioned above, I tend to find every single detail absolutely important. That just leads to continuously asking why.

So another one for me, of which I am unsure the commonality: I have a very difficult time maintaining friendships unless I see someone most days of the week. I would say about 5 out of the 7 makes it the easiest for me, but it has worked out on less than that, rarely. The reason for this is that I forget to talk to people when I cannot physically see them. I mean, I just don't think about it for weeks on end. Then I will for a second, but won't message them because I'm doing something, and then forget about it again for ages. Part of this is that I prefer in person communication because I can try to read people's body language and facial expressions. The other part is tone of voice is more clear in person than via text. Now, this one bothered me when I was trying to figure out if I was autistic because it is common for Autistic people to not recognise facial cues and body language the same way as neurotypical people. Turns out, according to my testing results paperwork, i just have a higher ability to recognise facial expressions than most people diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder. So, I just vary a bit from the average.

Within this same vein is the commonly known 'eye contact issue'. The stereotype is that we cannot and do not make eye contact. This is so false. Many Autistic people do not make eye contact well, yes, but not all. For example, I do. I told one of my brothers I was getting tested for Autism and his response was, and I quote literally here, "I don't think you're Autistic because you make eye contact." What he didn't know is the reason why I make eye contact. I do it because I was taught repeatedly that it is how you show people you are listening. So, basically, I'm masking when I make eye contact because I'm solely doing it to show someone I am listening to them. In fact, 😆 I commonly am sitting there telling myself to make eye contact in order to indicate that I am present and interested in what the other person is saying. I also have a harder time masking this way when attempting to talk about things that are important and emotionally relevant to me. In therapy, I rarely make eye contact with my therapist because it is so difficult to talk about things in general that I cannot also make eye contact. Lastly, for this one, the more comfortable I am with someone, the less I make eye contact with them. My fiance, for example, not very common at all that I do it.

There is also the very common special interests phenomenon. The media tends to show this as a math or science thing, but it really isn't. I follow one tiktoker whose special interest is bugs and, I believe, art. I highly recommend her. Her handle is: soundoftheforest. For me, it's language/linguistics and ancient egypt, Greece and Rome. Really, I'd say ancient anywhere history, but those are the big three. Egypt has been my longest interest, besides language. I actually remember the moment I was like "this is it for life." I was 7 and had finished my library books but was bored at daycare. So I went to the book shelf and picked up a book about King Tut. It was the page I read about the day Howard Carter found the tomb. And I just knew me and Ancient Egypt were meant to be forever. As for language, I've literally always been fascinated by it. I started speaking very early and with more complex words than is usual. And I just continued to love language from there. I ended up studying ancient Greek and Latin in college. Also, I info dump about these all the time, almost anytime I possibly can because they're so fucking cool. 😁

Another side note, it is common for Autistic individuals to have delays in speaking, I just did not. It is not something required for the diagnosis. It is just very common.

This one is a little bit weird, and might just be a me thing, but I've discussed it with my therapist. She indicated that it very much aligns with Autism. I cannot, or can but with extreme apprehension and knowledge that I will leave depressed; I simply cannot go into buildings of certain lighting, age, and design. It seems to be buildings that look and/or feel like they were built in the 1960s or 1970s. We haven't really figured out why that is a thing, but it is. I once didn't bother to finish applying for a job to teach Latin that I'd basically been guaranteed so long as I sent in the app because when I went for the interview I saw the building and knew I could not teach there, even part time, because the building would depress me constantly. It's a weird one, but if you have anything at all where you just cannot do it because you know it will affect you like this, I'd bring it up in discussing potentially being Autistic.

I nearly forgot to mention this one, but you've probably heard about the sensory issues that many Autistic people deal with. I have some with touching things, but it is less common an issue for me than my sound sensitivity issues. I am very sensitive to sound. If I had to give a 4th big reason, this would be it because I get overstimulated and overwhelmed by sound multiple times a day. Its rough. If you also have this issue, I cannot recommend enough noise cancelling headphones and chew stim toys when you don't have your headphones. It's really helpful.

This last one I'm going to mention is something that I think I do just to help prevent burnout from masking, but is also part of me specifically. I am an introvert. So that plays a role in this. I spend the vast majority of my time completely by myself. I do mean even when at home with my fiance. We are often in different rooms. I have no problem with it. It doesn't feel like it is bad for our relationship, thankfully. I just prefer to be alone most of the time. The more time I spend around people, the more time afterwards I need alone. That is partially my introvertedness but also me needing to because I am socially exhausted from masking and trying to read all the social cues and not make weird errors when in social settings 😳, which I do a lot. I think I just default to spending time by myself when I am not required to engage with people in order to ensure that I can later. Plus, in discussing this one with my therapist, we concluded that I do this at least in part to prevent burnout and overstimulation.

As for the testing itself. I discussed this with my therapist for a while when waiting to get tested, and by the time I did get tested, I had a nice long list of stuff to bring up. I would definitely recommend compiling a list of the symptoms/signs you feel are indicative for yourself. It was very quick after I first brought it up in therapy that I decided I needed the official diagnosis for myself. So my therapist gave me recommendations of who to see. I also looked myself because the recommended people were so booked they couldn't even schedule further out. Once I got it scheduled, I had to wait like 3 months for the appointments. So, if you are seeking the official diagnosis, don't give up because it's a long wait. From what I've seen others saying, it's pretty common to have to wait a bit to be seen.

There were 3 appointments, an intake, a testing, and a feedback appointment. The intake appointment involved me talking to the doctor about my experiences and why I thought I might be autistic. She asked me a few questions about the more commonly known signs of autism if I did not mention them. The testing appointment took about 4 hours and involved a self report personality assessment, several verbal and memory activities, a teaching activity, two story telling/creating activities, and (the part I thought was most difficult) an activity in which I had to identify the emotion being expressed by just the eye and eyebrow area of black and white photos of people. I also had a take home assessment for someone who knew me really well. It was related to executive functioning abilities and emotional regulation abilities. I cannot speak on the feedback appointment because of technical issues resulting in not actually having that appointment. I have rescheduled it and will be doing that later this month.

If you have anything more specific you want to ask me about, please do. I am happy to answer.