#I was already feeling emotional but this song makes me cry like nothing else

[crystalflygeo]

Last of her kind Emperor!Alpha!Zhongli + Omega!Dragoness!Reader

cw/tags: Your usual mentions of slavery and sexual themes, A/B/O dynamics and heat mentions. Also allusions to depression and mentions of death.

notes: Aahahaha this took forever..... allow me top explain: first of all my new job is killing me and second of all I'm going through a hard period where I don't really like anything I write anymore. This work in particularly I kept struggling with the pacing, the dialogues, the way I wanted feelings to come across or scenes to flow it's just hhhnnnggg. I told a couple of friends that I set the bar so high with the first part I feel like nothing else I write will be that good. Then the second part was "ok" but cut off in a cliffhanger and has been there for SO LONG that now I feel this will be underwhelming after all the buildup//hit

I hope it's not. I hope it's good.

Anyway this part is in Zhongli's pov and contains flashbacks which will be fully in italics! Enjoy! and thanks for caring so much about this story ;w; ILU all <3

<- Part 2.

Your instincts mess up with your head.

Your crying and anxiety have simmered to a cold numbness.

Hours blur together, time loses meaning.

The doctor comes by sometimes. The maids bring you food. But everything feels… off, distant.

This doesn’t feel… like your usual heats.

You curl up and sob, a choked soft noise.

You don’t feel hot, but rather cold. Limbs weak. Dizzy.

Your heart aches.

You’re so tired.

And so sleepy…

Zhongli puts down the seal stamp and deflates back into his chair with a sigh, he must have read the same line at least five times already. He cannot concentrate at all. It’s not even been three days and each hour, each minute, feels eternal.

He’s already gotten so used to your presence, so smitten with you and your little quirks, your rare smiles, the way your ears and tail flicker, your pretty eyes…

And he remembers those same eyes begging for him, teary. Your pitiful cry. Your distressed scent.

Guilt eats at him. As well as something else…

He’s been restless, barely slept. Your scent is a siren’s song on the blankets, tart and fresh and tantalizing, but you are not with him. Anxious energy flows in his veins. This emotion, this thing that is like regret and sorrow and fear all tangled together, cleaves him through. His instincts are screaming at him, rattling inside a cage of his own making. His mate, his precious Omega is in heat, you’re scared and lonely and need him. Zhongli has to suppress a growl and feel the shudder of his scales at the fact that he’s not with you. In your nest. Taking care of you.

It’s agonizing.

"How is she?"

The same question, over and over, at any chance he gets.

"She refuses to eat, your majesty." Xiao tells him, and he can feel the concern in the younger Alpha’s voice. “According to the maids she only took a few bites of the ajilenak nuts, the rest of the food was left untouched.”

…

"She's um... she's always sleeping when I go check up on her." Ganyu explains a little crestfallen. She too is worried. “A-at least I think she’s in no pain… she was clinging to one of your hanfus.”

…

"You should go see her, Zhongli." Ping states, a rare serious expression on her usual gentle factions. “Baizhu says she’s going through the worst case of separation sickness he’s ever seen. Is that really what you want your poor Yin to go through?”

He lets out a frustrated rumble.

“Of course not. But it’s for the best, I don’t want to… take advantage of her, or force her to anything.” Zhongli frowns, trying to focus on the papers in front of him again, in an attempt to ignore her piercing gaze.

“Is it really any of that if she wants her mate?” Ping retorts. “She was begging you.”

I know.

He growls this time, and shakes his head at his memory of you. It haunts him.

“She doesn’t know what she wants.”

“So, you’re deciding for her then? Is that it? Honestly, are you listening to yourse-”

“She’s been conditioned to serve.” He cuts her off, voice grave and somber. “Trained to be submissive and please. She likes me simply because I’m kind to her, she wants me because she thinks it’s her obligation as my mate. I feel the pull of the bond too, the need, the yearning. But I also know she is afraid of Alphas and she thinks… she thinks she has to obey me. That she owes me something or that own her.” His eyes narrow. “I didn’t need to bond her. I shouldn’t have bonded her. I just… wanted her to be free and instead I chained her to me. And now she’s in heat…”

And it drives him insane.

“Listen to me, we’ve both spent time with her, enough to know she’s opening up and learning to voice her feelings…” Ping reasons gently. “It’s a slow process, don’t hurt her this way. At the very least… go see her.”

“I lost control once with just one kiss from her. I will not do it again. I will not harm her any further.”

The elderly woman keeps silent for a few moments. Zhongli sighs and rests his forehead in his palm in defeat.

And then Ganyu approaches, a little tense, a stack of papers in her hands.

“Your majesty, the Qixing are starting to arrive, council meeting will begin soon.”

“Very well. Thank you Ganyu.” He stands up and nods at her, then turns to Ping and his demeanor softens a little. “You know I just want to correct my mistakes, and give her the life she deserves. At least a fraction of it, of happiness.”

It wasn’t supposed to go this way… Zhongli sighed as he walked up to the room where the “reunion” with the sumerian would take place. It was long overdue seeing as he had spent the night by your side, refusing to leave after you had cried and begged so desperately…

After he had bonded you.

He had initially taken the eremite’s claims with a grain of salt, but naturally he had to make sure. The last dragonblood had supposedly died decades ago, so how…?

And yet when he saw you for the first time in that room, he knew.

You were real, you were beautiful. Suddenly he felt a million things at once: He wanted to get to know you, stay close to you, protect you. Old draconic instinct vibrating excitedly on his soul. You smelled vaguely familiar, your tail was gorgeous, your ears adorable. What if you didn’t like him though? What if he harmed you? Scared you? Suddenly he was nervous, nervous of ruining this, nervous in a way he hadn’t been in so long, like when he’d been young and Liyue had been at war and he had lost everything to fire and smoke and dust and he had to make difficult decisions and-

He had always calculated his moves. No room for risks. Too much at stake.

But you, you disarmed him. Completely.

You, with your polite gentleness despite the obvious cracks beneath the surface.

You, with your beautiful looks and enormous potential, even if you didn’t see it yourself.

You, with that look of yearning and hope, with your soft lips and sweet moans, with your warm body fitting perfectly against his.

For once, he allowed himself to make a decision with his heart, not logic, not politics. Just instincts.

And he claimed you…

…

He enters the room. A couple Millelith soldiers stationed by the door, Xiao standing by his side loyally as he sits at his place of honor as the emperor. Your ‘master’, an Alpha eremite named Zaheer, kneels respectfully a little below.

“I see you liked her, your majesty” He offers a sly smirk. “Did she satisfy you properly? She’s been trained on her gag reflexes to-”

Zhongli -Morax- resists the urge to growl. “We are not here to discuss that.”

“Ah, of course, business!”

Business.

“Since she’s such an exotic and well-trained slave I suppose we could agree on…”

“Do you think of me an idiot, Zaheer?” Morax’s eyes narrow.

“P-Pardon me?”

“She is a pureblood xiānshòu. I want to know exactly how she ended up being enslaved by you and your people.”

Cold and calculating golden eyes stare down at the eremite.

“W-What… she’s desert-born!” Zaheer retorts back angrily “She was born at a heat house. Maybe she has traits from your people because one of them decided to get a cheap fuck while traveling.”

“You expect me to believe that?” Morax asks unfazed “Liyue has records of the last of her kind disappearing and presumably being murdered when a village near Sumeru borders was razed to the ground. Do you have a disclosure?”

Zaheer stands up and growls, clearly an Alpha not used to having to bow his head and accept things not going his way.

Clearly an Alpha used to intimidating and attacking others.

Xiao wields his spear and changes his stance to an offensive one. The Millelith guards also tense.

Zaheer gets even more irritated, feeling like a caged animal. Backed into a corner. “Emperor or not” He starts through gritted teeth. “If you’re not going to pay me then I’ll take my merchandise back and do business elsewhere where I’m not being accused of ridiculous claims.”

“You’re right that I won’t be doing any business with you, but we’ll see how ridiculous those claims truly are. Zaheer, by my word as the emperor you will now remain detained in Liyue.” Morax sentences.

The eremite’s red eyes widen in shock and rage and the desert-dweller shoots up to attack Morax, getting easily overpowered and neutralized by Xiao’s quick moves. In seconds his weapon drops to the floor as the Yaksha general points his spear at the unconscious man. The Millelith quickly retrieve him and the blade before Morax simply nods at them.

Months. It had been months since then and he had to begrudgingly release the man as no accusation connected him to anything. They were essentially out of leads. There did appear to be documentation of your birth at a desert village but Zhongli would be hard pressed to believe the half-assed story you’ve been told…

And since you are pureblood, then both of your parents, and most importantly your dam, was also a dragonblood. That’s at the very least one Liyue citizen enslaved in a foreign nation.

He would get to the bottom of this.

For now, however, he had to cast those worries aside.

The Seven members of the council sit around the large table, the Liyue Qixing, leaders of all the commerce and trade sectors of the nation.

Zhongli takes his place at the head of the table. Ganyu does so as well by the sideline.

“Very well, what’s our first topic today?”

“Did Master just… leave?”

There was silence at the table, Zhongli and Ping sit frozen and you get just a bit nervous.

It’d been a few days since you started your new life, and though Zhongli was sure you were warming up to it he knew you still had a long way to go. It was probably still a little surreal for you… such a big change from everything you knew.

The tension on his shoulders quickly drops again. He continues eating. “Yes.” He says simply. Ping follows his lead, saying nothing.

The faster you forget about that eremite, the better.

“Hm…” You continue eating as well. Your expression is a little conflicted…

You inhale.

“Was he… happy… that I finally found a mate?”

Zhongli turns to you sharply and tenses again like a cat bristling. He holds back his tongue so as to not say something he’d regret. Why do you still care about that despicable man’s opinion? Why do you still seek his approval? Did you really think he cared about you? Zhongli desperately wants to make you understand how that slave-owner only saw you as an object, how he fed you lies, how his mistreatment is inexcusable…

But he can only imagine how deep your scars run, and how that toxic mindset has settled and accompanied you for years. He cannot judge you for caring about someone who doesn’t deserve it.

“Why do you ask, dear?” Ping asks instead.

“I don’t know…” You mumble, poking at the congee with your spoon. “I always wanted to make him proud.”

Proud.

Him?

“I think what matters most is how you feel.” Zhongli says, his hand reaching out for yours invitingly and you place your fingers on his palm, getting a soft reassuring squeeze. “You don’t need to rely on how others view you or think about you.”

You seem thoughtful for a second, your ears flickering back insecure but then standing up alert again. “I am happy” You admit. “Very happy. I have the best mate in the world.” You smile brightly.

Zhongli’s heart does a flip.

“With the excessive rains in the northern villages, there have been many floods and a lot of crops have been severely damaged or lost. Our previous contingency plan is in action already and donations are being sent to help the affected families. However, we must prepare for a decline in the harvest of certain grains and vegetables this season, as well as an increase in prices for a few months due to the shift in demand and supply.” Keqing explains expertly, the young alpha’s expression is serious and solemn.

“It’s an opportunity to strengthen commerce with Mondstadt and Sumeru.” Ningguang chimes in, leaning back on her chair, arms crossed. “The value of jade and other crystals is on the rise as well.”

“Not to mention, we’ll be employing several architects from the Akademiya to help with the rebuilding.” Keqing adds, turning to Ganyu, who nods.

“Greater lord Rukkhadevata and lesser Lord Kusanali have agreed on a certain exchange program with Liyue. I started drafting up some proposals already if you’d like to see.” The blue-haired secretary passes along some documents.

Ningguang’s eyes skim along the page. “It’s almost like our new Sumeru-born empress was a sign.” She smirks. “By the way, where is she?” She turns to Zhongli, curious about her fellow Omega.

“She’s rather indisposed at the moment.” The emperor replies dryly, not wanting to delve much onto the touchy subject. “Ganyu this looks good, however we need to think about-”

There is a knock that quickly surprises everyone. Who could interrupt a council meeting and why?

Baizhu peeks in with Changsheng curled around his neck, a frown on his usually gentle features. “Your majesty, a word. It’s an emergency.”

All the members at the table stare silently as Zhongli stands and follows the doctor.

Ganyu has a bad feeling…

“We have no time, follow me.” The green-haired doctor walks briskly along the wooden corridors, he looks… frustrated, dejected.

“What’s wrong?”

He doesn’t want to panic. He never panics. But something inside him does. It’s obvious that this has to do with you. 

“I apologize, your majesty. I thought it was just a case of separation sickness but… the empress is showing signs of widow’s wasting.”

Zhongli stops.

His heart skips a beat. His skin prickles with dread.

“She’s… dying?”

Baizhu shakes his head. “It hasn’t reached that point yet, but… she’s deteriorating.”

The guilt is back. The fear.

“Given what happened, I’m pretty certain the shock of your rejection was the trigger. Still, it is highly unusual for a Yin to suffer from widow’s wasting without their partner actually dying, even more so for it to settle so quickly. Her reaction is akin to someone who had never left their mate’s side for years.” Baizhu explains.

You trusted him.

And he turned his back on you.

What have I done?

“In any casssse, it’ssss not too late.” Changsheng’s little voice pipes in. Baizhu keeps leading the way and Zhongli follows, though he obviously knows the entire palace like the palm of his hand, at the moment his thoughts are scattered and far far away.

“She needs her mate’s reassurance. I have done what I can with medicine but this is a bonded pair matter.” Finally, he stops at a juncture and turns to Zhongli. “Please, your majesty, only you can save her. I will tell Ganyu, Xiao and Ping of the situation, and if you need anything, just ask.”

Zhongli nods, mute.

The snake narrows her eyes. “Don’t leave her sssside.”

“Changsheng.” Baizhu shushes.

She is right to chastise him. He deserves that and more.

“I won’t.” Zhongli nods and heads down the hall.

Widow’s wasting.

The words echo in his head. He’s seen the damage it can do. How a broken bond, the loss of the most important person, can destroy someone inside. Did you really care that much about him? Did he really hurt you that badly?

“Please…”

He didn’t mean to.

“I have the best mate in the world.”

He feels like a monster.

“I want to stay with you. Sleep together. Like mates.”

He needs to see you. He needs to make sure you’re ok…

He stands in front of the nest room. The same one where he first met you.

Opening the doors only slightly to slip inside, Zhongli's eyes widen and a hand flies to cover his nose and mouth when a strong smell shakes him to his very core.

The room he expected to be completely saturated with intense heat pheromones… instead bears the acrid scent of despair.

This isn’t the lustful call to breed and have children that made an omega vulnerable and pliant. No. It is a desperate cry from a heartbroken omega for their mate to come back, to stay with them, to love and protect them. It is grief.

You are suffering because of him.

To think all this time… he was afraid he'd make you uncomfortable. That he’d scare you, hurt you, ruin the bond you’ve carefully built. Instead, he is overcome by an all-consuming terror. Every part of him screaming at his mate's weak essence.

And there you are, his precious treasure, his sweet dragoness.

You lay curling in on yourself letting out small muffled sobs.

“Y/n…” 

No reaction.

“Darling, my dear dragoness…” He rushes up to you immediately, grabs your hand and pets your hair. You look so weak, your skin is feverish, how has it only been three days? It feels like a lifetime…

You shift a little and your eyes blink open, staring at him dazed, red and puffy and your expression defeated. You let out a pitiful whine and more of that bitter sad scent is released. 

“No my dear, don’t cry, I’m here. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” Zhongli coos as he curls up to you, frantically starting to scent and nip at your neck and shoulders affectionately. His horns manifest and his tail follows through, lashing about a little restless. The bond… feels wrong, broken. He should be able to intimately feel you this close and yet…

He tries to reposition you a little so you can lie on top of him, rest on his chest. It’s concerning how easily he can do so, you’re like a ragdoll in his arms, unresponsive and unmoving. His hands cup your face, thumbs rubbing at the traces of tears in your cheeks. You let out a frustrated whimper. “Shhhh shh it’s okay. I’m so sorry.”

Even if he says it a million times, it won’t feel enough.

Zhongli nuzzles at your neck and proceeds to do something he hasn’t done since he was practically a teen. He purrs. It’s a little rusty, comes off more as a grumbling but it seems to work as he feels you relax just slightly in his arms.

“I’m right here” Zhongli’s deep voice assures you, tugging you closer, mouthing at the soft skin along your collarbone. “I’m not going anywhere and I’m all yours, I promise, I promise. I won’t leave you alone, not ever.” He soothes.

He lowers a bit of your clothes at the shoulder and grazes his fangs along your faded mark, you tense and let out a long shaky breath.

“Everything will be ok.” He kisses the spot. “I’m sorry.”

And then he sinks his fangs in to reestablish the claim.

You cry out in pain and squirm, clawing at his clothes, but he holds you, his hand rubbing circles at your back, his tail intertwining with yours.

...

.....

...

At first nothing changes, but after a few moments… a low strained purr bubbles up from within you again.

[lefty-scribes]

sunflower

Summary: After coming home late from a stressful day at work, Spencer needs nothing more than to be in your arms in order to feel like himself again. You offer your touch to him in more ways than one.

or

melodramatic handjob :>

Word Count: 3423

Songs: ‘cry’ by cigarettes after sex may fit !!

Pairing: softdomme!reader x sub!spencer

Warnings: smut (18+ please), choking (m receiving), spencer cries xoxo, fully consensual but his reactions are described as ‘involuntary’ sometimes, sudden tense switch at the end bc it felt right idk, 65% buildup, 15% action, 20% orgasm LOL

a/n: guys the transition from comfort to seggsy just happened out of nowhere and the pacing is aggressively slow, prob making this hard to get off to. i’m sorry. also if you don’t think you should be reading this (🔞) you’re probably right ?? but please don’t tell me about it. do comment anything else though if you're feeling up to it :3

With a twist of his hand on the doorknob and a step through the door, Spencer took his long awaited whiff of home. It smelled of cedarwood and floral candles and you, and the tension released from his shoulders completely for the first time today.

He walked straight to the bedroom where he knew you’d still be up waiting for him, door open with a lit bedside light to welcome him despite his insistence that your sleep is more important. The urge didn’t even come up to wash his hands, disinfect his phone, or sanitize his work bag, being replaced instead by his desire to be in your presence.

As he’d suspected, there you were, sitting up on the bed you shared, eyes fighting to stay open as they flitted through the pages of a book. The comforter covered your legs, and only a thin sleep shirt separated your back from the headboard you leaned against, the shape of your nipples hardly poking through. Spencer hesitated to walk in and ruin the pretty picture.

When you noticed him, a fond smile grew on your face and you dropped your book to open your arms wide for him. He slowly walked over to you, stomach twisting just a little at the fear of being a bother, and started to position himself as he did whenever he needed a bit of extra comfort. He gave you a quick peck and settled down so his head rested on your lap, lying down on his side with his arm hugging your bare thighs. His long frame curled sideways by your legs under the blanket. He said nothing when you combed your fingers through his hair—just held you a bit tighter; nuzzled his cheek impossibly closer.

You broke the silence, absentmindedly separating small locks of his hair now with your fingers. “Want to talk about it?” you asked, to which he shook his head, movement still restricted by your thighs on his cheek, hating that he didn’t have more to say. Hated to have to make you pry just to hear about his day, but all the more in awe of how attuned you were to his emotions—even more than he was sometimes. Hated being moody and uncommunicative, but his brain was betraying him.

Your thumb now stroked his eyebrow, smoothing it out. Every part of him that your fingers touched relaxed in its wake, coupled with the scent of your lotion and laundry into his breaths. He finally spoke up, voice slightly muddled from his cheek against your leg; perhaps he sounded like his handwriting would sound, though he hoped he was more understandable than that.

“Per hour of sleep we lose, human blood pressure tends to increase by 3 to 5 millimeters of mercury, so you waiting up for me this late probably already caused an increase of 10 mmHg. Cortisol levels can also increase by up to 80% when sleep deprived, and your reaction time can slow by up to 500 milliseconds, which will make it more unsafe for you to drive tomorrow.” I appreciate you so much, baby, but you shouldn’t have waited up, is what he wanted to say. It never came out that way. I love when you greet me. Don’t put your health at risk for me. I’m sorry I’m late. But it always came out instead as numbers and statistics because that’s all he knows how to do, and it’s the only way his voice knows how to love, but you get it. He wants to add more.

You get him. “Stop worrying, Spence. I need to see you just as much as you need to see me. Can’t sleep otherwise,” you assured him. Goosebumps rose on his skin as you rubbed slow, pressured circles onto his forehead, massaging him properly now. Maybe your words were supposed to make him feel better, but he couldn’t shake the guilt in his gut. His burden complex weighed heavier today.

“My Spencer,” you breathed. Heat rose onto his cheeks. Your Spencer. “What do you need from me?”

He laid still on your lap, face now turned upward to memorize your own, pondering on the question. Always too scared to ask, though he knew what he needed. “Anything you’ll give me,” he whispered.

Now freshly dried from his shower, Spencer walked toward where you stayed sitting on the bed just as you had been when he arrived. He stood completely bare before you, an unlikely mix of both self-consciousness and pride filling him as you looked him up and down. The implied power imbalance of your clothed decency juxtaposed with his nude vulnerability has just occurred to him; he felt a rush in his stomach.

You pulled the covers off and spread your legs apart, then patted the space in between. Spencer crawled onto the bed as carefully as he could, trying not to shake it too much, now unsure of how long he could last. He found a seat between your thighs, the outer edge of his legs lining the inner side of your own, his back flush against your torso.

Goosebumps rose on his skin when your hands trailed up his neck, grazing his ears, then his cheekbones, to comb themselves through his soft hair. He shivered, just once. His mouth parted slightly in a shaky exhale and his head lolled back toward you, as a cat would, until it rested gently on your shoulder, full trust in you to support him. His eyelashes fluttered to a close as you slowly but firmly squeezed your fingers into a closed fist against his scalp, hair tangled within your grasp, letting the leverage of your palms against his head do the tugging. Despite the tightness of the skin around his temples, his facial muscles only continued to relax as he silently handed you all control of him. He released a shallow gasp as you gave your wrists a slow twist before releasing his hair entirely.

You slid your fingers down to his nipples, running your thumbs over them each for not long enough. He let out a sigh that must’ve released more air than his lungs had the capacity to carry in the first place. The stresses of the day began to leave with it, Spencer being overcome instead by the relief of being back in the comfort of his own home—in the arms of his beloved. Your hand was cool against his humid skin, raising goosebumps in its wake. Ears ringing, he hardly heard his own voice releasing a shaky, dragged out, sh— shhhit, between gritted teeth.

Your hands trailed down even further toward his soft stomach which was scrunched into a bean-like mound from his position against you, grazing down his happy trail before ignoring his painful erection and inching toward his thighs instead. Your nails dragged gently over his inner thighs and he pried them open for you; all for you.

He whined under his breath and his legs flexed under your touch, only the duration of a single twitch, lifting his hips up subconsciously to contact your hands where he needed them most. You gently pushed him back down, wordlessly insisting on giving attention to his soft thighs, asserting that it was your pace being followed. And he couldn’t object. He didn’t want to. Always so patient with him, he longed for you to be proud of his obedience. His thighs were yours to touch, after all, and so was what rested now painfully hard between them.

His head still laying against your shoulder, you gently swiped your tongue against his ear lobe, getting his attention. You whispered to him, and he was so receptive to you. “Do you think you’re ready?”

He didn’t need to see it to know, but he glanced down anyway, his cheeks burning up to a colour he imagined matched his throbbing penis. He ached to be touched there, swallowing at the thought.

He hummed lazily in response, already lightheaded from the rush in his head. He tilted his head in slow roll to place clumsy kisses all over your face, whatever part of it he could reach, nodding continuously to please touch me, I’m ready. He thought his lips had caught your nose, cheekbones, ear, jaw… but at that point he’d already been intoxicated by your touch and couldn’t tell the difference; only wanted to taste the saltiness of your supple skin.

“Words, Spence.” With his head still turned to you, you caught his bottom lip between your teeth and nipped at it until it puffed up, drawing a light whimper from him. He arched his neck sideways to grant you access to the rest of him that your lips and teeth could reach. More of him now exposed to you, he quietly pleaded as you lightly sucked on sensitive points behind his jaw. A lone tear slipped out of his eye closest to you, and you lapped it up as it hung from his jaw.

“Ready. Always ready for you,” he choked, voice already hoarse. Your ability to take him to the clouds far before touching the most sensitive part of him only turned him on further, as well as the nurturing and patient but complete control you exerted. He was undeserving and yet eternally grateful. Swore to himself he’d spend the rest of his days trying to love you as completely as you did him.

Upon squeezing out some lubricant from the bottle in your bedside drawer, you grasped his erection in your slick hand, your other hand exploring the rest of his body, and he gasped with an unintentional jolt. From this position you two were in, it allowed the ridges of your curled palm and fingers, as well as the coolness of your wedding ring, to make full contact with the sensitive vein along the underside of his cock.

You played him like an instrument, and the sounds he made proved nothing less. You’d glide your sharp knuckles over him, barely making contact with him, much to his protest; your hand would run along the thin, elastic stretch of skin connecting his head to the underside of his cock. Or you’d bunch your delicate fingertips together at his tip, letting the widening of his cock separate them as you pushed down toward his balls. He almost wished, as the pads of your fingers trailed his length, that your fingerprints could be ingrained in his skin, if only to be claimed by you even more. His breaths grew laboured and he slowly lost the shame in his whimpers.

Your other hand moved to his lips, muffling his sounds slightly. Your breath tickled his ears, and he threw an arm back to grasp your hair or neck or whatever he could grab, trying fruitlessly to get closer for you to ground him.

He whined helplessly against your now vibrating hand, though it did nothing to quiet his volume as you so creatively played with his cock, fidgeting with him and using him like nothing. Tension was prominent between his eyebrows sewn together, and surely his forehead carried a few creases as well.

You gently ran your thumb against his bottom lip, and he instinctively pulled it into his mouth. Your thumb pushed degradingly against the inside of his cheek, forcing his mouth to open slightly. His tongue circled your thumb out of habit, and the slightest bit of spit dribbled out the corner of his lips.

The room started to smell and feel like sweat, though he couldn’t bring himself to care. He was experiencing everything and nothing all at once, sensations heightened yet brain numbed. Rare were the occasions that he couldn’t explain everything, and the times where he couldn’t think straight, but he revelled in it. Nowhere else was Spencer able to be completely defenseless and equally safe but in your arms—or hands, in this case. His guard wholeheartedly down, he cherished the privilege of being worriless and thoughtless.

His brain’s unusual absence of words and knowledge—two things which he so dutifully guarded just to feel competent—was welcomed because you were around to protect his vulnerability in the meantime.

By now, from the sweat or his own sheer lack of control, Spencer had slid down slightly so his shoulder blades were flush with your breasts; your hard nipples pressed against him through the soft silk of your nightshirt and it reminded him how eager he was to return the favour. He was leaning back a bit more, hardly noticing the ache from his weight resting on his tailbone.

The position gave you access to move your working hand even lower, gentle fingers starting to toy with his balls before moving down toward the sensitive patch of skin right beneath. He pulled his bottom lip between his teeth when you hit it, hums and groans gradually increasing in pitch. Against his own will, he clenched around nothing, causing his perineum to shift against your fingers. He choked out another embarrassingly loud sound, mouth shamelessly open now, and then did it again.

You kissed his jaw. “How do you feel?” you whispered. You gave more attention to the pink head now, fingers tickling his smooth tip, thumb pressing down periodically on the ridges. Your other hand played with hair.

“You treat me so well,” he breathed, as earnestly as he could, turning his head to give a sloppy kiss to your wrist, drunk on your touch, your warmth, and you. “Love you so much,"—he swallowed—"ah— oh, f— fuck— Love what you do to me.”

“You deserve it all.”

His moans got more high pitched as you worked, and his breaths came in faster than his chest could keep up with. His hands grasped at your thighs to steady himself, blunt nails digging in.

“My Spencer baby, you look oh so beautiful,” you praised, voice dripping in sheer adoration. His eyes drew open and his gaze rolled back, then lazily toward you. Another tear slowly escaped the corner of his eye, and he wished he weren’t tearing up if only to see your pretty face more clearly. His eyebrows were still tense under the nearness of his undoing, tilted in a pleading pout.

“Please, please-please-please-please-plea— mmngh…” He pleaded and begged for release, no longer making sense of what was coming out of his mouth, eyes ever-downturned and watering once again.

He was helplessly putty in your hands, his body no longer his own, but rather a shell of just euphoria and feeling. He was floating and completely at your mercy, just as he loves to be.

“I love you, please, I—” His sentences grew choppy and more and more incoherent, his speech being mixed with unintelligible throaty noises. His chest rose and fell significantly faster than it had earlier, lips hardly separating as he mumbled a yesyesyesyes keep going yes just like that please, and his hips thrusted up to move his length further into your hand.

His desperate hands sought purchase from whatever they could grab, now tightly squeezing and scratching at your thighs. He readjusted his sweat-slicked palms as they slipped down your skin.

Your hand in his hair slid down roughly to grab his jaw in utter possessiveness, twisting it up toward you to plant a sloppy kiss on his lips. He did the best he could to return it. “Go ahead, baby,” you mumbled against his mouth.

He whimpered into the kiss, with no more capacity to spare you an audible ‘thank you’ as usual. You squeezed your working hand just the slightest bit tighter around his cock, working your way back up to his ever-sensitive pink head.

“Shitshitshitshit, fuck, oh, God. I’m so close, I’m so close, I’m so—ah—” How naughty he felt. Maybe you’d tease him later about the junk coming out of his mouth, flustering him with the thought of what the neighbours would think. But as a sunflower proved its affinity to the sun and its warmth, all he could do now was gaze at you mindlessly, his neck aching at the effort. Under the dim yellow lamp lighting up the room, he embodied the sunflower’s golden glow. Its face would follow the bright star by nature and so would Spencer's, happily compelled by some force of nature to show you his authentic self as he held on so close to his orgasm. You smiled at him.

The bed squeaked under his shaking legs. Lone tears made their way down his face, free-falling now, and he made no move to wipe them. As he neared his peak, you kept your hand on his cock, hand wrapped snugly around his tip, angling it toward his chest.

You grabbed his throat with the other, fingers squeezing inward toward the two valleys around his neck that carried his precious arteries, and he felt the first spurt of cum burst through with a loud wail of surprise.

“Baby—“ he tried breathlessly, eyes still attempting to meet yours to please understand what I’m saying, please be proud of me, “baby, I’m coming, I’m fucking coming, I’m…” His muscles spasmed and sharply leaned him forward, causing your hand to obstruct his throat just a bit more, and he was thankful for it if only to ground his shaking to a minimum.

His head was pounding and his vision grew spotty as he basked in the feeling of his life, and his penis, in your hands, and the purpose with which you handled him as he prayed for this state of euphoria to not simply kill him. Though that wouldn’t be a terrible way to go.

He fought the urge to squeeze his eyes shut, yet still saw only white. He was burning up and held no sense of himself as his muscles twitched in waves, knees buckling, though you were there to hold him through it all. His mouth opened in a silent scream as you continued moving your hand along his sensitive length.

His panting gradually became less breathy and more audible, now backed by a throaty groan with every breath he released. Your name became the only thought in his mind, and he let it shakily slip out of his mouth, not caring how absolutely brainless he sounded. With each spurt of his release onto his chest, each involuntary clenching and thrust of his hips, he repeated it. Whether a cry of pleading, gratitude, or adoration, he wasn’t certain—but it all centred around you.

You talked him through the final stages of his orgasm with gentle murmurs of praise, pushing his hips down to forcefully guide him through it. Good boy, Spencer. Keep going. I’m right here. You got it. You’re doing great. Almost done. I love you. You’re so safe here. Your ministrations on his sensitive penis didn’t slow as you patiently waited for him, though he had to rest his hand on your wrist to slow you down, eyes finally falling closed; you obliged. His body offered you one final tremor of overwhelming pleasure.

The horrors of the day seemed to have been released with his release. But with the way you were now atop him, cleaning up the mess on his chest with your tongue, then crawling back up to his own mouth to offer him a taste, he felt his once-against stiffening cock asking for more where that came from. His aftercare be damned. No longer overwhelmed by his need for solace, this new rise of arousal was geared toward you—thanking you, loving you, cherishing you, pleasuring you in the way his words so often failed to do.

He would do for you what you had so generously done for him, and more, if you’d let him. He could give you his tongue, his length, his fingers, a toy—or whatever you wanted. Offer himself to be used and taken however you pleased. Longed to give you everything he could. He was yours, after all. 

Spencer told himself that there would be time for all that, though he always worried otherwise. Keeps it in his head, but he pleads every day that you wouldn’t end up like those he sought justice for at work, or be the body that haunted him until he arrived home to you, or the victim of a target aimed at him. Pleads every day that there would be more time.

But in the meantime, with not much else he can do, just as a sunflower would, he swears to turn his back to everything else dark about the world and follow his sun as long as he is able.

[still-a-morosexual-help]

Here's something mildly heartbreaking :) (my speciality!)

Mammon definitely cried when MC died right?

• He (along with Asmo) is the character who cries the most in canon;

1.) He cries during sad parts of movies/shows/plays/books

2.) He cries while watch animal documentries

3.) Hell he cried because Beel ate the soup he was making MC

• MC died on a day where the rest of the brothers were (up until that point) having a relaxing, fun day - playing a game to get Lucifer & MC closer together. Their death was definitely unexpected/an extreme shock

• MC's injuries were bad according to Satan? (Levi?) Bad enough that a human wouldn't have been able to survive it. Bad enough that even Lucifer knew he couldn't do anything to save them when Asmo asked him to. That means the body Mammon was holding was........ I mean it would have been a gruesome sight

• Mammon's been spending every day since the beginning of the year with MC. At this point he's already obviously in love with them, they're his best friend, the two of them share a bedroom frequently. They were close

The point being: Mammon held a dying human in his arms and sobbed his fucking heart out while asking them not to die. In front of Belphie.

The point being: Mammon didn't cry when Lilith died. No listen, he absolutely broke down when she died but he didn't do it in front of his brothers. Mammon was the one keeping it together and looking after everyone when they Fell. He couldn't scream and cry and beg like he wanted to when Lilith died because he had to be the strong one, he had to soothe everyone's injuries and fears and guilt, he had to show them that things could be better, that they could move on to a brighter future (shoutout to Mammon's lines in his unit song with Lucifer).

But you know what Belphie would have seen?

He would have seen his older brother breaking down over a human he's known for months when he wouldn't even cry after his little sister, who he'd known for thousands of years, died

And we all already know what Belphie thought about humans at this time:

And we already know what he thought about his brothers at this time:

For a moment there, while MC was dying Belphie would have hated Mammon. Would have felt vindicated for causing Mammon that kind of pain, when he (as far as Belphie knew) couldn't even spare that for his sister.

Belphie would have felt angry and betrayed. Justified for what he said and did but so so painfully hurt.

And then (in s1 of the anime) when the brothers were tiptoeing around Belphie, were trying to reach out to him and act normal after what he did, but were so obviously failing, when there was a distance between them and Belphie that had previously never existed, that even Beel couldn't find away to breach, Mammon was the first to take that step forward and close the distance which prompted everyone else to do the same, to bring Belphie back to them, to show that he was accepted and loved and always a part of them

And I am very emotional about them.

Disclaimer: this is absolutely not a post bashing Belphie or his thoughts/actions/feelings. They're both complex characters and I always love trying to breakdown and figure out what certain characters were feeling at a time by bringing up other moments in canon. If you try to make this post into something to bash Belphie or start dumb discourse I will eat your entire right leg🐸

In addition, me stating things from canon or talking about negative emotions or things characters have done and comparing those things to another charcter's actions/emotions/responses is not me putting down one character to raise up another. Sometimes when analysing characters you have to compare and contrast them with others present in that or similar situations -> doing so doesn't mean I'm shit talking one character. A character can do, say, think, believe bad or complex things -> there's nothing wrong with talking about/analysing those things or still loving that character.

I know it seems stupid to say something that should seem obvious but *takes out cigar and blows smoke* I've been in this business a long time, kid (3 years for om!, 7 years actively in a fandom, 14 years in fandom in general) I've seen things, terrible things

Also, lemme shamelessly plug in my fic because it's related to this post -> Changing Seasons

Ft. Belphie coming to terms with MC after Lesson 16

Onesided Belphie × (unnamed gn!) MC

Mammon x MC being Besties

Belphie & Mammon talking, but not talking enough

Belphie's PoV

Mammon very briefly being an eldritch nightmare as a little treat for you monsterfuckers

Edit:

Huge additional part added because I realised the entire focus of this post could be misunderstood

Ajznxodjfc9enhd7ejx 😭😭😭😭this was supposed to be Belphie's post about Belphie's feelings. Y'all know I love Mammon, but he's not supposed to be the focus here🥲

Usually when I make an analysis post I take evidence from canon and then add it all together to get ✨️The Main Point✨️ of the post.

In this post I had to infer all of mammon's "canon evidence" (via other actual canon evidence) because we're never explicitly told he cried when MC died and we never see his instant reaction to Lilith's death.

Belphie's side of it was however all explicitly stated in canon so I just added the screenshots. Which is why I wrote much more about mammon on this post than Belphie.

But ✨️The Main Point✨️ that I was always getting to and what made me write this post is actually about how absolutely fucking pissed off Belphie would have been because of Mammon. How hurt and angry and betrayed he would have felt that his older brother who's meant to protect him and his family apparently valued the life of some random human over their sister's.

I added the S1 bit because it nicely rounded up Belphie & Mammon's story. Because it proved Belphie wrong. It proved exactly how much Mammon (and the others) valued him and each other. Because he got to see how heartbroken Mammon was when MC died, he knew exactly what it was like to be that heartbroken, he knew exactly what it was like to NEVER forgive that which caused the pain, and yet he was forgiven. And THAT I think more than anything would have proved Belphie's initial thoughts wrong. It would have eased any lingering feelings of betrayal and hurt he had. Would have proved how much he was loved by his older brother.

So yeah, this was absolutely made to be Belphie's post and I don't think I explained that well enough in the original post💀 in my defense i was half an hour late in feeding the kids & getting yelled at🥲

[thereticx]

៚𝗍𝗁𝖾 𝗁𝖾𝖺𝗋𝗍 𝗐𝖺𝗇𝗍𝗌 𝗐𝗁𝖺𝗍 𝗂𝗍 𝗐𝖺𝗇𝗍𝗌

inspired by this song

pairing: Eren Jaeger x Reader

summary: Eren Jaeger shows his face again after a whole year away, recovering from the mess that was yours' breakup. Summer was already here and with it there's no escaping one another.

warnings: break up, ex's to lovers, cheating rumors, sexual themes, slight body talk

author's note: first attempt to write something that includes a song so I hope this isn't terrible (also the first one shot with smut after some time)

✎"Darling, you need to eat something. Please" Carla's voice rang through the massive room where she and her son stood for almost an hour trying to enjoy some good food. She hated seeing him like this, empty and absent.

Eren played with the fork while slowly raising his eyes to face his mother. He tried to mimic a smile as best as he could, maybe just maybe, she'll let it go "I'm not that hungry I ate before I got here"

The long ride to his mother's house gave him enough time to put himself together, to put up a front, convincing enough in order to not raise suspicions. But he forgot that it's his mother. Carla could read him like an open book, she was able to break through his facade and see him.

"Sweetheart, did you break up? Or is it something else? You know you can—"

"Yeah, we did" The boy felt how tears were about to fall from his eyes. God, he hated crying. It made him weak and hopeless. A single question was enough to take him back to that day where all went downhill.

「Hand over heart, I'm praying

That I'm gonna make it out alive 」

"Three years, Eren! Three damn years!" Your mouth tasted the salty tears that slipped over your chapped lips, then it hit you "Why?"

Eren stood in front of you, his eyes scanning your form. Your beautiful face was coated with tears and your eyes were tinted red from all the emotions flowing through them. Those eyes he got lost in every night held so much pain, so much betrayal, for him.

"Baby…please.. I can explain, just—" His trembling hands reached out for you, taking your face in them, his thumb brushing away a droplet of water. Eren's touch was so comforting yet so strange in that moment. You didn't know what to do, how to react. Part of you wanted to slap him so hard he would feel the sting for days, but another part wanted to give up. It was quite tempting to fall into his arms, to let him taste your lips and whisper what you so desperately wanted to hear.

「You got me scattered in pieces

Shining like stars and screaming」

No it's not right. You couldn't offer him your forgiveness not this time. With a shaky breath you managed to break everything you two have built. Every happy moment where you were laughing together, kissing, undressing everything crumbled. To say it hurt like hell was an understatement. It felt horrible. Eren felt his heart hurt, his chest moving up and down so fast he couldn't breathe properly "Please don't….please"

「This is a modern fairy tale

No happy endings」

That day haunted you for weeks on end. You grew to miss him so—so much that nothing had meaning in your life without him.

Eren was the air you breathed, he was the sun that warmed you up whenever you had a messed up day, when you wanted to smash everything in your sight and just hysterically cry.

He would warm you up with his little smirk that showcased perfect teeth, coming to embrace you and kiss your eyelids, your hair and finally your lips. There, he spent a good amount of time, swallowing every regret you had for the day and every bad thought. His lips were so gentle and sweet you couldn't resist. His fingers playing with the hem of your shorts while saying "Let me love you, baby"

And who were you to deny him?

「The bed's getting cold and you're not here

The future that we hold is so unclear

But I'm not alive until you call

And I'll bet the odds against it all」

The body that laid beside you was unknown, strange. Your soul refused to acknowledge it. The burning feeling you once got from Eren touching you, now it was locked up. There's no such thing as pleasure anymore. Only the gods now, you tried to love him. Your new boyfriend. You really did try.

If only he knew what was going on through your head a few hours ago when you had sex. If only he knew the boy who stole your mind and heart was far—far away and still you felt him so close.

His old shirts were kept in your closet, his ring that he had given you on your first year anniversary was kept beside you on your nightstand.

「There's a million reasons why I should give you up

But the heart wants what it wants」

Nights were the worst. In those moments you felt like the most. Your body tingles when you wear his clothes and when you click on the album you're faced with thousands of memories. All of them printed on your mind that when you close your eyes you're able to see him.

「You got me sippin' on something

I can't compare to nothing」

"Eren…this is my boyfriend" A knife ripped his skin and struck his heart. Was this really happening? He shook his hand trying to be as polite as possible but deep down he wanted to break your boyfriend's head and steal you away from him.

Eren was dressed handsomely but adapted to the hot weather. He had his key necklace hidden under his shirt and a smaller one sitting right at the base of his neck. His arms were decorated with bracelets all of them from the time you went to parties together but what really caught your attention was the ring he wore. The one you bought him when he turned nineteen.

He always wore it, even at the gym. Despite the fact that it left nasty marks on his finger, he didn't dare take it off.

When you trailer your eyes up his form you caught his eyes. You could see the pain and regret was still there, but he restrained himself from making a move. His body just couldn't move. You saw the innerbattle he endured seeing you with another man. It was hard for you too, because if he was to take your hand in his right then and there you'll give in and abandon your morals.

Please do it.

He didn't.

「But then you disappear and make me wait

And every second's like torture」

This was a terrible idea. You shouldn't be here with him. Not alone. It's not like you didn't trust him, you didn't trust yourself.

"So, about that thing. I didn't cheat on you. Historia just got into a fight with Ymir and I hugged her. That's all" Eren felt like it was too late to explain everything. But he had hope that you'll take him back.

「Save your advice 'cause I won't hear

You might be right, but I don't care

There's a million reasons why I should give you up

But the heart wants what it wants

The heart wants what it wants」

You smashed your cold lips against his, licking his lower lip to ask for entrance. His hands cupped your face keeping you so close your breaths became one. The taste of him was so addicting you desperately wanted to rip his clothes off.

"What about him?" He whispered, opening his eyes to scan your reaction. You smiled "The only one I care about right now is you. So, shut up and kiss me"

(the two of you broke up before this)

His arms lifted you by the hips and wrapped your legs around his waist. You felt him smirk against your neck, pressing wet hungry kisses. You tilted your head to the side allowing Eren to mark your neck. Your fingers were in his hair taking out his hair tie and letting the long strands of hair to rest on his shoulders "Eren..please"

"I know baby, I know" With one kiss pressed on your lips he laid you down on his bed sheets, admiring your body. You were curvier than he remembered, more beautiful if that was even possible.

Eren removed his shirt, his torso and abs on full display. He let your finger travel on his pecks while he rested his forehead on yours "I fucking missed you" Your touch raised goosebumps on his whole body and his pants were tighter with every second.

You sat up discarding your clothes along with your bra and underwear. You kept your thighs together to stop the slick from slipping further down your legs.

Eren watched you with hungry eyes when he noticed something. Your arms were around your middle, to hide something. He leaned in, taking your lips in his, meeting your tongue. You couldn't escape him. His overwhelming presence made you remove your arms from around you and pull him in, working your way to get him out of his pants.

Eren gripped his dick in his hand aligning with your entrance. His slit moved briefly up and down teasing you "Eren please.." You raised your hips to get some kind of friction.

The boy gripped your hips and stopped your movements "Tell me if it hurts" He pushed his tip inside, making you gripp the bedsheets. It's been a long time since he had been inside you and your now ex boyfriend wasn't even near as big as Eren.

He pushed forward making you close your eyes to stop the tears from building up "Relax baby I'm almost halfway"

Halfway?

"Eren it hurts—" Upon hearing you, he moved no more. His hands grabbed yours and squeezed them "Shh…you're doing so good love..so good" You opened your eyes seeing him look at you with so much love and admiration. He was painfully hard but still he took it slow for you.

His thumb drew circles on your hand while he whispered "Do you remember the first time we did it? You took me so good. Fuck, this pussy is perfect baby. You're perfect"

While he talked you were so focused that you didn't pay attention to the pain anymore "Can I move?"

Oh..

You slowly nodded your head and felt Eren's thrusts. His movements were slow but deep. Your walls hugged him so good he felt like cumming right then.

"Oh fuck—" He picked up the pace, making you see stars. His dick went deeper with every movement reaching your g spot.

You arched your back feeling your orgasm build up "Eren I'm about to cum" He let go of your arms letting you wrap them around his neck. You rested your face in the crook of his neck, panting.

Eren felt your pussy clench around him as your orgasm hit you "That's it baby. Let it go" He put his hand on the back of your head, stroking your hair while he kissed your hair line.

When he pulled out of you, your juices where running down your inner thighs "No..you didn't get to cum"

He laughed sweetly pecking your lips "Don't worry about me—"

But you didn't listen. You pushed him on the bed, your lips kissing him lower and lower, reaching his still hard dick.

You looked up at him and god, he was about break. His hair stuck to his handsome face, his cheeks reddening. He was embarrassed.

You started kissing his dick from the base until you reached his tip. Your tongue came in contact with the precum and didn't hesitate to take him in all the way.

"Fuck—fuck" You felt his fingers grip your hair while he held you there for a second. He didn't apply pressure letting you do whatever.

You moved your head up and down, your tongue flat against his dick. He wasn't able to contain himself and thrusted up in your mouth "Don't stop fuck—"

You didn't dare to. Your hand squeezed his balls while you went faster. His moans were getting louder which indicated that he was close. Eren wasn't the one to shy away when having sex. He was as loud as he wanted.

His dick hit the back of your throat, releasing his load.

He watched you swallow his cum. You crawled on top of him kissing him. He trapped you with his arms, his lips biting your earlobe "I love you, Y/N"

You didn't reply with words but rather you kissed his jaw resting your head on his chest.

I love you

He knew that. You didn't have to speak.

For him it was enough that you were there.

That night the two of you made a promise. Through breathless moments you admitted to yourselves that…..

「The heart wants what it wants, baby

It wants what it wants, baby」

Your hearts want one another.

[bapdaydreams]

Thing I can remember Yongguk said/did in the London concert yesterday (20/10/24)

1. He thanked us for always being by his side - said he wouldn't be here without us and then said not to cry as he proceeded to preform all the emotional songs (i.e Journey, Hikikomori, AM 4:44)

2. Said he missed London - said he will try his best to come back with his members

3. Spoke about B.A.P's comeback at which point everyone started to chant B.A.P - he looked so happy

4. Someone was very brave and kept on complementing him (i.e you're so handsome) - he was smiley but also flustured

5. It was someone's birthday! He sang happy birthday to them (along with the rest of us in the crowd) And they got a hat from him...he's too sweet for this world.

6. He just looked so happy! I can't stop staring at the photos I took of him all smiley!!!!

7. Someone gave him the inflated crown!!!! Everyone cheered! (I am sure other Brits will agree when I say...he is the king we want) And then someone passed the UK flag to him - he said he wasn’t sure if it was okay for him to have the flag and the crown on at the same time. Someone screamed it was fine cuz the Queen (they could have said King but at his point my hearing had given out) was 💀 anyway

8. He also used the flag as a head scarf towards the end in his true grandpa form

9. He also said 1 and half hours are not enough for him - someone screamed 3 hours next time and he laughed saying he would need all his members for 3 hours

10. He said he had personally designed the concert tshirt so it would be a great opportunity to buy it now, no pressure though 😂😂

And that is about all I can remember. 😂😂 If anyone else who was there can remember anything else, please do add on (or correct me cuz it all feels like a fever dream and I am also not one to record every second of the concert)

Snapshot was also a bit of a fever dream. I will say that it felt rushed, which I understand since its the end of the night and more snapshot tickets were being sold so more people to get through. Also, it seems a bit...monetary to make fans pay £65 for each individual photo...but that's just me and my opinion. Everyone is free to spend their money as they see fit. I will add, last year I think it was about £60 for snapshot and the staff took more than 1 photo, so you be the judge here.

I also wish they would accept card payment for merch. Those are the only 2 things I can say were a bit of a downer but it's nothing major.

Other than that, it was an amazing night as always. I think I am also getting a little old now since my feet and back started to hurt after a while 😂😂😂😂

10/10 would recommend going to see Yongguk if you haven't already!

[baurbiediv]

hate to be lame {2}

PAIRING ➔ jj maybank x pogue!reader, jj x kiara (oops.)

WARNING(S) ➔ small mention of cheating, crying

SYNOPSIS ➔ tensions begin to face an all time high following the aftermath of you and jj’s argument, things become very rocky and you worry that he’s began to fall out of love with you and has found someone else who’s better for him.

BASED OFF THE SONG ‘hate to be lame’ by lizzy mcalpine (i recommended listening while reading!)

part one ➔ here

A/N ➔ thank you for all the love on capsize + the first part of this! and i am NOT A KIARA ANTI YALL PLEASE, that’s my girl fr

-

two weeks.

a whole two weeks had passed by since a word was spoken to jj and to make things worse, it was an argument. one thing the both of you agreed on was to never be mad at each other, clearly that didn’t work out.

trying to get jj to understand what he did was reckless didn’t quite go the way you expected it to. emotions got the best of you, and resulted in you emotionally lashing out on him.

ultimately, this caused jj to retaliate but before you could say anything else, it was already too late. by then he’d already told you to get out, there wasn’t anything else that could’ve possibly been said or done to change the outcome of this.

so now here you were, right back at the chateau. looking out the window, there he was, jj. the yellow and orange hue of the peaking sunset hitting his skin almost perfectly. how badly you wanted to get up and tell him that you love him and you were sorry and that the accident caused you to freak out and you could get pass this.

but it wasn’t that easy, whenever something like this happens, he starts to push away. not because he wants to, but because that’s what he’s used to, when he loves someone too much, he pushes people out. this wasn’t easy like people had always said, jj wasn’t the easiest person to read yet you already knew that.

you watched as kiara, pope, sarah, and jj all gathered onto the dock laughing while john b made his way back to the chateau. “y/n, you coming along? i’d hate to leave you by yourself.” he said, snapping you out your thoughts.

“oh, yeah let me grab my bag.” you told him, for the first time in a couple of weeks john b was probably the first person to see you even remotely crack a small smile. he gave you a thumbs up before leaving the house. without noticing, you’d been playing with the star pendant on your necklace.

it was the sole purpose that reminded you why the two of you were even together, you were his star that kept its light in the midst of his darkness. but that light was slowly losing it’s shine.

you took a deep breath before recollecting your thoughts and making your way down to the dock. noticing how kiara had stood very closely to jj, you swallowed the impending lump in your throat, that jello feeling taking over your body this time.

pope noticed as he looked at you, “you okay y/n?” he asked you worriedly, you gave him a nod, “i’m alright, thank you pope.” you whispered as he helped you board the boat. after what seemed like minutes, the boat finally took off and the group searched for a place to stop and relax.

everyone seemed to be having fun, except you. the thing is, it wasn’t on purpose, this is how you were feeling. you tried to cheer yourself up but it wasn’t working. your own boyfriend didn’t seem to care about the upset mood you were in, hell, two weeks. no texts, no calls, no nothing.

you watched the way kiara and jj interacted with each other. looks and touches lingering longer than they were supposed to, jokes being exchanged between the two.

you weren’t jealous, but kiara knew what had happened between the two of you, why were they all of a sudden closer (as if they weren’t already close.) together.

staying on the boat, you watched as everyone jumped into the water. you covered yourself in your jacket and the emotions has finally overcome you. the tears kept coming, you poorly attempted to keep your sobs quiet in hopes to not draw attention to yourself.

everything happened all at once and way too fast. during these two weeks, this was the reason why he wasn’t reaching out.

because he found someone better, someone who could be there for him. you were always there when he needed you, the one he turned to whenever he had problems with his father, or himself.

the girl he was supposed to confide in the most. all the love, all the time, all the joy, spent with you had gone to waste. and over a stupid argument that could have been prevented.

god how you wished to just disappear into thin air right now.

—

you found yourself sitting alone in the chateau again, and watching the group all gather around a small bonfire. kiara, closely wrapped around jj. never did the feeling of betrayal feel so raw right now. you looked away and felt your body sink lower into the couch.

the door swung open, to your dismay, jj. the blond boy saw your figure but didn’t meet eye contact with you. he made his way to the kitchen, this was your opportunity to talk to him. gathering your tired limbs you too, made your way into the kitchen.

it was fairly small, so there wasn’t anyway you’d be standing far from him. “j, can we please talk?” you asked him, his back turned to you. his body tensed at the sound of your frail voice. he turned around to finally face you.

you missed his face.

some cuts from past adventures were now healing. “yeah.. what do you want to talk about?” he said leaning against the counter.

“us. what are we?” you looked at him.

he sighed, not being prepared for this confrontation.

“you haven’t spoken to me in two weeks. i’m losing my mind here j. i know i shouldn’t have lashed out on you, i’m sorry.” you said, shifting your weight between both of your feet.

jj ran his hands through his hair as he let out a frustrated sigh, “i’m sorry y/n. i really am,” he breathed out, eyes landing on the chain he bought you, you still kept it on.

“i pushed you away because i fucked up. a couple days after the argument, i told kiara everything. my head was everywhere and .. and we made out.” he told you.

way to go.

your heart quite literally felt like it just got ripped out right of your chest and stomped on. you leaned against the counter and put your hands on both sides on your face before bringing them down to your mouth.

jj looked at you, his eyes full of worry and sorrow. he hates that he did this to himself, to you.

“did you do anything else?” you quickly got out not wanting to avoid any more hurt.

“no. absolutely not.” he breathed out.

you ultimately broke down and he pulled you into a hug. “y/n. i’m so sorry, it meant nothing.” he spoke softly as he kissed the top of your head. you cried as much as your heart would let you right into his chest.

“i’m so fucking sorry i didn’t anything sooner. i couldn’t bring myself to tell you. i knew we left on bad terms and i didn’t want to make it worse, i’m so sorry my love.” he said rubbing your back.

“jj.” you said, lifting your head from his chest. you calling his name alone was enough to grab his attention.

“don’t ever do this again. from now on we tell each other everything. you have to start trusting me, i can’t have you pushing me away. not then, not now, not ever.” your eyes glossy.

he nodded, you hugged him tightly as he rocked you side to side.

you were his star that kept its light in the midst of his darkness.

—

[tatisources]

- 𝐖𝐄𝐃𝐍𝐄𝐒𝐃𝐀𝐘 𝐒𝐄𝐍𝐓𝐄𝐍𝐂𝐄 𝐒𝐓𝐀𝐑𝐓𝐄𝐑

❝ Being your friend should come with a warning label. ❞

❝ It’s amateurs like you who give kidnapping a bad game. ❞

❝ Are you mansplaining my power? ❞

❝ Emotion isn’t exactly your strong suit. ❞

❝ I don’t believe in heaven or hell, but I do believe in revenge. ❞

❝ Those who forget history are doomed to repeat it. ❞

❝ There’s nothing quite like the feeling of being proven right. ❞

❝  Because trust and cooperation have always been the hallmarks of our relationship. ❞

❝  Anytime I grow nauseous at the sight of a rainbow or hear a pop song that makes my ears bleed, I’ll think of you. ❞

❝ I’ve learned so much from you. Part of it is admittedly criminal behavior. ❞

❝ Not hugging is kind of our thing. ❞

❝ When the dance floor calls, you gotta answer. ❞

❝ Typically I have great admiration for well-executed revenge plots, but yours was a bit extreme, even for my high standards.  ❞

❝ Except I won’t cry and whine like a child. ❞

❝ I can’t believe you were in a secret society and didn’t tell me. ❞

❝ You brought a gun to a sword fight. Probably the first smart decision you’ve made today. ❞

❝ Emotion equals weakness. ❞

❝ I find social media to be a soul sucking void of meaningless affirmation. ❞

❝ These are all traits of great writers. And serial killers. ❞

❝ Sometimes I act like I don’t care if people like me. Deep down, I secretly enjoy it. ❞

❝ I like to win. Is that so wrong? ❞

❝ For the record, I don't believe that I'm better than everyone else, just that I'm better than you. ❞

❝ Use the words 'little' and 'girl' to address me again and I can't guarantee your safety. ❞

❝ If he breaks your heart, I'll nail gun his. ❞

❝ You guys are making me nauseous. Not in a good way. ❞

❝ When I look at you, the following emojis come to mind: rope, shovel, hole. ❞

❝ You know the old saying, never bring a knife to a sword fight. Unless it’s concealed. ❞

❝ Secrets are like zombies, they never truly die. ❞

❝ Tears don’t fix anything. So I vowed to never do it again. ❞

❝ Please, flattery will get you nowhere. ❞

❝ I’m not friend material, let alone more-than-friend material. I will ignore you, stomp on your heart, and always put my needs and interests first. ❞

❝ Every day is all about me. This one just comes with cake and a bad song. ❞

❝ Emotions are a gateway trait. They lead to feelings, which trigger tears. I don’t do tears.❞

❝ It’s either they write our story or we do. You can’t have it both ways. ❞

❝ I don’t need your help or your pity. I already have a mother and a therapist. That’s enough torture, even for me. ❞

❝ I don’t bury hatchets. I sharpen them. ❞

❝ Friends are a liability and can be exploited. That makes them weaknesses. ❞

[underthenightskydreamsneverdie]

Precious Moments

Summary: Ominis uses Polyjuice to witness special moments with Sebasitan and f!MC 

Warmings: This fic is sweeter than anything Ominis could ever find at Honeydukes. Might even make you cry. 

Pairings: Nothing but the sweet love between Sebastian x f!MC x Ominis in this beauty 

A/N: I may have ugly cried while writing this and if you want to ugly cry too, here is the song that helped shape it 

Ominis felt around on the table, picked up the vial, and slipped it into his jacket pocket, it’s home everyday for the last month. She was due any day now and he wanted to be ready. 

He still wasn’t used to the awful smell he got a whiff of every morning when filling the vial, not to mention the lumpy texture, but it was worth it to see them, the two, soon to be three, loves of his life. 

He would never forget the first time he used the Polyjuice Potion. They had discovered the potion recipe in the spring of their seventh year, made a hasty plan for brewing it in the Undercroft, praying it would be ready before the end of the year. A week before graduation, MC had found him, told him it was time if he still wanted to do it. It had been a dizzying day. He felt more than a little awkward turning into his best friend, hearing his voice when he spoke, but one look in Sebastians eyes and he knew he would never want to transform into anyone else. He loved seeing the world through the eyes of the man he loved. Eyes that he got lost in, memorizing every detail, every speck of color, the way they stared back at him so lovingly.  

They had spent a few hours wandering the castle together before Sebastian and MC had willingly let him drag they back to the Undercroft, telling them the dizzying splendor of the outside world was nothing compared to the two of them. They spent hours indulging in each others bodies that night, Ominis keeping his eyes open for all of it, as difficult as they made it for him at times, drinking in the sight of their reactions to his touch, memorizing the looks of pleasure that accompanied the sounds they made as they came undone around him, some of his favorite sounds in the world. Far too soon for his liking the potion wore off, the last thing he saw, MCs and Sebastians naked bodies sprawled out next to him, their sleepy eyes gazing at him lovingly, seared into his mind forever. The moment he was himself again he wished he could do it all over, he would never get enough of them.

“There you are” MCs voice said softly “As fun as it was to be taken by two Sebastians at once, I missed your body, Omi.” 

The second time he had used the Polyjuice was their wedding day. After the small group of friends they’d invited had left, he pulled a small vial from his pocket. 

“Sebastian, love, will you allow me the honor of borrowing your eyes once more?”  

“Of course, darling.” Sebastian stepped forward, pulling a couple strands of hair from his head, carefully dropping them into the vial before leaning in to kiss his husband. 

“Wait, I want a kiss too!” MCs voice called out quickly as he raised the vial to his lips.

Laughing, he lowered the vial, pulling her into him. “Anything for you, Little Dove.” As she pulled away he drank the potion, the familiar sensation of transforming overtaking him.  

“I will never get used to that feeling.” Sebastians voice once again conveyed his thoughts. He stood still, eyes closed for a moment, preparing himself. This dose of Polyjuice was much smaller than the one he had taken years ago. Determined not to waste what little time he had he pushed his emotions aside, wiling the tears already welling in his eyes to hold out, he needed a clear first look at his spouses. 

Slowly opening his eyes, squinting against the setting sun, he took them in. They were mesmerizing, radiating a joy he could almost see without the potion. He reached out a hand for theirs, the sun glinting off their wedding bands as they clasped hands. The bands had been MCs idea, her inspiration the snake tattoos they’d given each other after graduation, three thin pieces of metal, one gold for her, one black for Sebastian, and one silver for him, woven together, forever inseparable. The theme continued on their clothing, MCs cream dress covered in pale gold snakes, Sebastians black silk vest covered in deep green snakes, his own silver vest covered in bright white snakes. 

“Come closer, loves, let me see the ways I’ve felt your bodies change over the years.”

The changes in Sebastian were more obvious, his face thinner, more angular, covered in short scruffy facial hair. He was taller now, even taller than Ominis, his shoulders broader, muscular arms straining against his rolled up sleeves as he threw an arm around MCs neck. 

His eyes moved to MCs figure, her beauty making him weak in the knees. 

“Oh, Little Dove, Sebastian has told me you’ve been getting more beautiful by the day, but his words have not done you justice.” A slight blush broke out on her cheeks. She had grown taller too, just enough to rest her forehead against his chin. Her soft hair, which he more often than not woke up entangled in, flowed down her back. 

“Did you see these, Omi?” Sebastian asked him as he let his hand fall causally onto her breast before giving it a squeeze, laughing at her reaction. “Hey, I’m your husband now MC, I can do that anytime I like.”

Ominis made quite a show of taking advantage of Sebastians taller form, slowly peeking down her dress at her breasts, now a fair bit larger than the last time he'd seen them, the soft mounds peeking out of the deep neckline of her dress.

“MC, are you not wearing anything under there?” he teased as he caught a quick flash of her bare nipples. “What about down here?” He hadn’t wanted things to get sexual before he was himself again, but he couldn't resist seeing her in something special, knowing she had picked it out just for him and Sebastian. He slid a hand up her thigh, and moaned as he felt the soft fabric covering her butt. 

Lace. His favorite. He removed his hand from her soft skin, grabbing for her hand.

“Darling, let’s go inside, I need to see what you chose to wear for your husbands tonight.” 

Chuckling as Sebastian growled out “Yessss, finnnnally” he lead them into their little cottage. The moment they cleared the threshold, he dropped to his knees, pushed up her dress and pressed his face into her thigh, the white lace soft against his nose. He pressed soft kisses against all the skin he could reach, getting so lost in her he almost forgot he was meant to be taking in the sight of her. He leaned back, spinning her around, hands immediately slipping under her panties, giving her ass a squeeze. 

Merlin’s beard she’s sexy. 

“Sebastian, wait, please.” He watched Sebastian pull his lips away from MCs neck with a moan, the hand he’d slid between her legs freezing in place. “I’m sorry my loves, I want this to continue, Merlin's beard do I want this to continue, but would you mind if we waited until I’m myself again?” 

“Of course not, Ominis, we’d much rather wait too” MC said, pulling him up to her face before fixing her dress. “We love being seen by you, but we love you for you even more.” She took his hands, pressing them to her chest. 

“How about you boys come dance with your wife?”

Sebastian stepped close, wrapping his arms around Ominis and MC. They spent twenty minutes holding each other close, laughing, and dancing before the Polyjuice potion wore off, Ominis’ eyes going black. The moment he was fully himself again, using his own voice, he said 

“My beautiful wife, my handsome husband, thank you for this. It’s been a absolute privilege to look upon you again.”  Pulling them each in for a deep kiss, he let the tears he had fought so hard against fall. Their hands pulled him to the sofa, and as they settled onto either side of him, their own tears of joy fell. 

Ominis was pulled back into the present as MC let out a loud groan followed by an odd splashing sound. 

“Ominis! I think it’s time!” Her voice was excited and panicked as he jumped off the sofa, internally freaking out. Why are you freaking out, we’ve gone over what to do dozens of times, pull yourself together Ominis! 

The next twenty minutes were a blur as he sent for Sebastian and prepared everything for the birth as he’d been instructed to by Mrs. Weasley, MCs not so quiet screaming making it hard to concentrate. A loud crack announced Sebastian's arrival, Ominis for once glad he had never perfected his landings, the noise bringing him great comfort today. 

Sebastian rushed through the door, almost breaking it down in his haste, followed closely by Mrs. Weasley, who was already telling MC what to do. Ominis had always liked her, she had always showed genuine love for them and support for their unconventional relationship, so when she reached out to offer her congratulations on their pregnancy and of course her help in any way should they need it, Ominis had written her back explaining his desire to use the Polyjuice potion the day their child was born. Mrs. Weasley, she later told him, had cried upon reading his letter, and written back instantly, insisting on helping MC deliver the baby. Over the next six months they made a plan for a home birth, Mrs. Weasley confident in her skills to assist, she had, after all, given birth to all of her children at home and helped three grandchildren into the world at this point in her life. As they quickly became close friends, exchanging letters and visiting each other many times, Ominis could think of no one better to help deliver his child.  

“Alright, sweetheart, lets get you on the bed. Ominis, you still plan on taking your potion, yes? Alright, then Sebastian why don't you sit behind MC, let her rest her back against you, there you go, that's perfect. Ominis come sit here next to them, I’ll let you know when to take the potion, okay? Don’t want to take it too soon in case the little one wants to take its time coming out. Oh, and boys, you may want to leave your hands out of her reach, Mr. Weasley ended up with a broken thumb when our oldest was born. He’s never let me live it down. Alright, now we wait.”

Wait they did, every second of it killing Ominis. He discovered Mrs. Weasley had been right about where he put his hands, them automatically going to MCs thigh during her first contraction, only for them both to end up screaming in pain. He moved closer to Sebastian, his arms around both of their shoulders, out of danger. Every once in a while Mrs. Weasley would check something, he had no idea what, but whatever it was still wasn’t ready. He could feel Sebastian sweating through his shirt, probably from MC digging her nails into his leg every few minutes, could hear him kissing her forehead, telling her she was doing great, and looked more beautiful to him than she ever had.

By the time whatever Mrs. Weasley was checking on was ready Ominis was a nervous wreck, MCs screams setting him on edge. Should it be taking this long? What if something was wrong?   

“Alright, dear, it’s time to start pushing. Don’t worry, your body knows what to do, just push when it tells you to.”

The screams that emanated from MC from that point on made Ominis so worried he had to stand up and pace next to the bed. After what felt like a lifetime, Mrs. Weasley told him it was time to take the Polyjuice. He pulled the vial from his jacket, downed the awful liquid, and doubled over from the transformation. Not sparing his eyes a second to adjust this time, he threw his head up, eyes opening wide as he heard the first cry of life from his child. 

“Oh, it’s a boy!” Mrs. Weasley cried cheerfully. Looking up at the second Sebastian now in the room, a startled sound coming from her lips, she smiled. “Ominis would you like to hand him over to Mom?”

“Y-yes, I-I think I would.”

Taking the cloth wrapped bundle from her, a laugh strangled with emotion coming from him, he stared down at his son. Tiny whisp of brown hair topped his head, blue eyes stared back at him, one tiny hand already wiggling free from the blanket, reaching for him. 

Ominis slowly sat down on the bed, gently cradling the baby in his arms as his spouses leaned over his shoulder to peek at their son. He knew he should pass the boy to MC, should check to be sure she was alright, but he couldn’t bring himself to look away from his son. His son! Only when he heard soft sobs behind him, felt Sebastians body shaking could he tear his gaze away. 

His eyes fell upon MC first. Sebastian was right, she had never been more beautiful than in this moment, sweat covered, disheveled, exhausted, and eyes full of tears, she was breathtaking. He gently shifted the baby into her waiting arms, taking her into his own arms as best he could. He pushed a piece of her damp hair off her forehead, covering the spot with a soft kiss. He could tell her how amazing she was later, this moment was about their boy. 

Turning his head to face Sebastian, he smiled. Ominis may be biased but he thought his husband had never been more beautiful than in this moment also, pure joy on his face, tears openly flowing, staring lovingly into the face of his baby boy. 

“Sebby, do you want to hold him, love?” MC asked gently. 

“I think I might need a few more minutes first, damn emotions, plus I’m enjoying seeing my wife hold our son.” Sebastian responded, placing a kiss on her head. “What should we name him?” 

“What if...what if we name him Andrew?” MC tilted her head up to Sebastian, making sure he understood. He did. A fresh sob and an almost imperceptible nod the only answer he could manage.  

They sat together, snuggled up as a family, basking in their love for one another and the beauty of their little one for quite a while before MC asked Sebastian if he was ready to hold Andrew.

“I’m getting a little tired, loves.”

“Why don’t you boys take him into the living room, while I help MC freshen up, and tidy up the bed.” Mrs. Weasleys soft voice said from the end of the bed, where she had sat quietly crying and watching the little family, startling Ominis. He had all but forgot she was there. 

He looked up at her, smiling, “Thank you, Mrs. Weasley, for everything.” Before he knew it he was on his feet, hugging the sweet older woman. 

“You’re welcome, dear. Now go on, us women have work to do.”

Sebastian and Ominis sat huddled together on the sofa, passing Andrew back and forth, talking to him and laughing when he did absolutely anything, the love they had for him unlike anything they had ever felt. Too soon Mrs. Weasley came into the room, telling them that MC was clean, comfortable, and ready to see them, her three boys. 

“Now, if you boys will excuse me, I feel the need to drop in on my own children before heading home. Congratulations again, Dads, he’s beautiful.” 

They entered the bedroom to find MC already laying down. Gently positioning Andrew down on the bed between MC and himself, Sebastian lay next to her. Ominis took up his usual place on her right. With one last look at the three of them, he leaned back on his pillow and closed his eyes, voluntarily letting the blackness in. 

Would he use the Polyjuice potion again? Maybe. On a far off wedding anniversary, or during Andrews first Christmas break from Hogwarts, perhaps. But for now, he was happy, enough precious moments seen to fill him with joy for a lifetime. 

[bil-daddy]

Mr bildad the shuhite, I need some advice. What do I do when that familiar overwhelming sadness washes over me? Ive been feeling horribly depressed lately, even though I have no real reason to be. I do talk to my friends abt this, but I dont want to talk abt my mental state ONLY and drive them away, so I refrain from talking abt it too much even tho it feels like it will drown me, because I am too afraid of seeming clingy.

Its been getting worse lately, and all I can do is distract myself from it. Ive been excessively sleeping just to not.. feel. I dont know what to do, nor do I know how to not feel this way

I made myself a nice breakfast, and it felt good. And then the feeling came back, like a drip drip drip from the leaking faucet of my mental health I cant control. I am scared. I am so scared

Sorry if this ask wasnt what u were expecting, or if u cant help me either, thats completely fine. I just needed to share somehow how scared I am. Of myself, what I feel I dont know

I dont know. I just dont know

Best wishes,

Anon❤️

*shows up one month late carrying six shots of espresso in a big cup to answer this ask*

It's taken me a while to respond to this because 1) I've been going through a bit of the same thing myself and 2) I haven't figured out a solution yet.

I do have some ideas, though.

You were on the right track, making yourself a nice breakfast. Little things like that make a bigger difference than you think. In fact, I think we should all try to live in the little moments as much as we can. Sometimes, when you're feeling depressed but can't point at a reason in your own life, it's because you're reacting to large scale problems that, while very real, are out of your control--and you know this, and so you feel depressed and scared because there's nothing you can do.

But there is something you can do.

Do at least one thing nice for yourself everyday as part, even if it's something really small. Especially something really small. Listen to your favourite song. Eat a piece of chocolate, just because. Play with a pet, if you have one.

And, if you're up to it, do at least one nice thing for someone else, too. Help your parents with the chores. Call a grandparent and brighten their day. Send a kind message to a friend.

Because you should keep on talking to your friends. The right friends will be honoured you've opened up to them. Listen to your friends, too. They might be going through things to, and being a comfort to them might in turn make you feel better, as well. Being part of a community, even if it's just a small group of friends--or even a group of two--can really help. Having you a sense of purpose, belonging, and importance is part of what makes people people.

Sleeping a lot isn't necessarily bad. Ive done that myself (for totally normal amounts of time, definitly not entire century or anything) Sometimes, your body and your mind just needs the rest. But if you feel like you're sleeping too much, then you probably need something exciting to be awake for.

It might be time to try out a new hobby, start a new TV show or book, take a class, or set a new goal that you can work towards a little bit every day. The mind craves new experiences and challenges. If everything's been the same for a while, depression can set in simply due to boredom.

However, there could just as easily be other causes, which are worth looking into with a therapist and a psychiatrist, if you want to try the medical route--and it is worth a try with persistent depression.

It sounds to me like you also have some anxiety about having depression, since it scares you (and rightfully so, it is scary) that you can feel it coming on and that you can't control it. For that, in addition to what I've already mentioned above, I'd suggest thinking about it differently. Instead of leaking faucet you're desperately trying to shut off, let yourself feel whatever emotions you're feeling*

(*safely and within reason--don't harm yourself or others)

Cry, scream, punch a pillow. Let it out.

Sometimes, the sadness we fear feeling ends up not being as bad as the fear of it. You might feel relieved, once you're no longer bottling everything up and sleeping/distracting yourself to avoid feeling sad. As cliche as a it is, the only way out is through.

Have an ox rib (platonic) for the journey. You can do it.

[yellowkitkieran]

Winner Takes it All (Kieran Tierney)

Masterlist

Word Count: 2.2k

Summary: Inspired by the song of the same name. Kieran makes a poor decision that winds up ruining things between you two. (Part of the mamma mia song series)

You aren’t sure how the breakup happened. It wasn’t your fault, and it wasn’t Kieran’s fault. The distance simply became too much of an obstacle for the two of you to overcome. Going your separate ways had seemed like the only option; with Kieran’s future for the next season still up in the air, you were tired of the constant fear that he would once again be ages away. And you Masterlist

Word Count: 3.2k

Summary: On Kieran's birthday, you and your best friend spill your guts and admit to the elephant in the room. 

were okay with breaking up for the first few days, until you saw the photos. 

If Kieran had loved you as deeply as he claimed to for the past two years, why was he already moving on to someone new after only a few weeks? The girl he was caught kissing is nothing short of a Spanish beauty, so you guess you can see the appeal. But the thought of even looking at another man so soon after the break up makes your stomach turn over. Kieran still holds a large piece of your heart. Which, you suppose, is why his actions hit you like a freight train. 

Though you know you have no claim over him now, you send him one quick message out of spite: that was quick huh?

He reads it, but doesn't respond. Probably for the best. 

Over the next few days you box up Kieran’s possessions at your flat and set them in a corner by the sofa. The second he steps off the plane at Heathrow, he better get himself an Uber and come retrieve it all before you toss the boxes on the street. Photos are shoved at the bottom of your closet with tears in your eyes. Magnets sent to you from destination’s he’s traveled to with the Scotland team find their way into your donation pile. You can’t stand to look at anything that reminds you of him.

Having successfully scrubbed any obvious connection to the Scotsman from your life, you have just cracked open a pint of ice cream when someone knocks on your door. Your shout of, “go away!” does little to deter whoever is intent on making a bad day worse. They knock again and you sigh heavily. If you had stayed silent you could pretend you weren’t home. Now you’re obligated to get up and look through the peephole. Doing so nearly knocks you off your feet. 

“What do you want?” Against your better judgment, you yank the door open and glare at Kieran. Something twangs in your heart as you look him over. The bags under his eyes speak for themselves; he’s slept about as well as you have. The stubble on his jaw further supports your inference about his lackluster emotional state. He never misses a day of shaving because he hates the itchiness, but it looks as if he hasn't done so in days. 

“I uh, came to grab my stuff and hopefully talk. Can I come in?” Kieran peers around you and you shift, using your body to hide the empty takeout containers scattered around your flat. “Please.”

“I thought I told Martin to grab your stuff. And no, you can't come in.” Everything in you screams to wrap your arms around him. Kieran was your home for so long that you are no longer sure what to do with yourself. You need reassurance and comfort, but the one person who used to provide those things has effectively ripped your heart to pieces and laughed in your face. 

Kieran sighs and tips his head toward the ceiling. Once upon a time, such a thing would have had desire burning in your stomach. Now you just want to cry, because someone else probably feels that way, too. “Please let me in, darling. I dinnae want to leave things like this.” 

The pain in his voice saps any and all willpower from your bones. Denying him is pointless. You'll spend the night sobbing either way, so what's a bit more heartache?

“Fine. Five minutes.”

Once you have stepped aside, Kieran silently gathers the few things of his that you've missed. You don't move from the sofa, eyes unfocused and your face blank. The version of yourself that Kieran sees is a carefully constructed mask. The cracks running beneath the surface are more than skin deep. Bits of your raw soul poke through, bleeding and torn. But you reveal nothing, having become something of a master of silence recently.

“Martin told me not to come,” Kieran says a few minutes later. 

“You should've listened. He's always been smarter than you.” Kieran does not so much as wince at the unfair dig. You both know it isn't true. You're hurt, and your words aim to inflict pain. 

Kieran keeps his head though, infuriatingly calm. “We’ve been through so much. Me staying in Scotland while you went to uni in London, years of distance, rumors-”

You rake a hand through your hair. “I don’t wanna talk about the things we’ve gone through, Kieran. Yeah, we survived a lot but I don’t need to think about it. It’s history, alright? You fucked it up. You wrecked any chance at rekindling, not me.”

Kieran takes a step towards you. He stops when you curl your lip in disgust. “If you just let me explain, you’ll understand.”

“What is there to explain? There’s literally photos, Kieran. You have no ace to play! Not when photos of you kissing her are on every bloody form of social media! What are you gonna say that makes that better?”

Your voice breaks at the end, weighted down by Kieran’s betrayal. Your chest cracks open further when a tear streaks down Kieran’s cheek. Yes, you hate him for what he’s done to you, but some stupid, stubborn part of you still loves him. Perhaps that part of you is why you take pity on him, lowering your voice in resignation.

“You’ve played your cards. The winner takes it all.” You quote his favorite film, spreading your hands in front of you with a bitter smile. “The loser stands small beside the victor. I guess that’s destiny.”

“Please don’t,” Kieran whispers. “I didn’t cheat. We broke up, remember?”

“I thought I belonged in your arms. You built a future in my mind- you were supposed to be my white picket fence, Kieran. I thought that's what I was to you, too.” Your vision blurs when you look up at Kieran again. “I was a fool.”

**********

Three months later

“So what's she like?”

Martin, who until now has proven himself to be quite the actor, finally drops his facade. He has been a massive help to you and you've remained close without any awkwardness, which you are grateful for. Your standing weekly coffee date provides you a reason to socialize outside of your flat and start to get back on your feet. 

The Norwegian sighs and leans back in his chair. “Are you sure you want to know?”

That is a question you have asked yourself many times. Rumors of Kieran being romantically attached to a spanish model have floated across your social channels for a few days now. You hadn't seen any photos, but from what you've gleaned it sounds like the same woman he'd been seen in Spain with before he returned to London. 

But… you have to know. 

“Yes. I do.”

“I'm not positive he really even likes her that much.” Some sick part of you delights in hearing that. At least he wasn't thriving whilst you were floundering. “She's fine, she's just… fine. Nothing special. She doesn't come around much- I guess she thinks us lads are ‘too much’.” Martin makes air quotations with his fingers on the last two words and shakes his head. “I honestly think he’s just filling the void.”

“Good,” you mumble under your breath. Good, let him hurt like you did. Like you still do, any time you hear his name. You've not attended a single match since it happened. Martin's invited you to each one but you cannot stomach it. 

“Come to the match this weekend,” Martin insists. “Not for him, but come support me. You used to love match days! I'll get you a ticket in the rowdy section and all. It'll be fun- and you need some fun.”

“Fine, but I'm leaving as soon as the whistle blows.”

*********

The Arsenal tunnel is a place you never thought you'd step foot in again. The memories in this hallway range from ecstasy to heartbreak and a thousand other emotions in between. 

You reread the text from Martin that asks you to stay and meet him here afterwards. He greeted you quickly and said he'd be back in a few minutes before jogging into the changing room. It's been ten so far and you haven't seen any sign of him. 

“Bee? Bee! I thought that was you in the stands!”

The old nickname has your heart missing a beat. You knew you should've left early. Sitting this close to the pitch was a risk that Martin convinced you was worth it. And you had enjoyed the 3-0 victory, but now you were beginning to regret giving into your nostalgia. 

The right call would be to keep walking like you hadn't heard him. Three months is a long time though, isn't it? Enough to be brave and have a civil, level conversation with your ex. So you turn and smile, forcing yourself to remain neutral when Kieran's girlfriend rolls her eyes. 

“Why's she here? Kieran, you told me we could leave right away.” She bats her too-long eyelashes and pouts her full lips. It's the sort of look that you assume normally has men bending over backwards to fulfill her request.  

“Give me a couple minutes, wait here yeah?” Kieran's smile doesn't reach his eyes when she sighs and stomps away to stand on the side. 

“You picked a winner, huh?” Though you hadn't intended for the words to come out so harshly, you aren't upset that they have Kieran wincing. 

“Sorry, Gi just doesn't like it down here.” Giselle- that's her name, you remember reading it now. “But she's fine- how have you been? You look lovely, the new kit is nice on you.” 

Once upon a time, a compliment like that would have made you blush. Now the only response it elicits is a sad sigh. “I'm fine, Kieran. Doing just fine. I'm only here because Martin asked me to come, just so you know.”

“Right, yeah, ‘course! Yeah, I'm just happy you're here. It's good tae see you.”

“Mhm, good to see you both as well.” You smile again and raise your eyebrows as you do so. Martin is conveniently nowhere to be found, nor are any of the lads you'd be comfortable pulling into a conversation to escape your current one. Which leaves you and Kieran awkwardly facing each other. 

“You must know that I miss you,” Kieran murmurs, catching you off guard. “But rules have to be obeyed, and you've laid yours out pretty clearly.”

“Don't do that, Kieran. Don't put this on me.” 

“I still care about you,” he continues softly, like you're the only two in the room. “I do. I think about you all the time.”

“If that's true then how come you're still dating her?”

Kieran shakes his head. “I don't know.” His eyes tell you he's being truthful. 

“Well unfortunately, that's not a good enough answer for me.” 

“I know.” Defeated, Kieran sighs. It hurts to know that he's still pining after you after all this time, but then again it's his own actions that got him into this boat. 

“I just… Don’t understand? Why her, Kieran?” It's the question that's plagued your mind since day one. What does she have that you don't? Why would he pick her so quickly, when you were more than willing to wait for a time when things might work out? 

Kieran looks over his shoulder at her. She twirls her blonde hair around a slender finger, not bothering to hide the bored look on her pixie-like face. She looks as at home here among the lads as a mermaid would be in a fishtank. You loved match days because it meant seeing Kieran in his element and the chance to see him happy after a win. She looks like she couldn't care less about the result, or about Kieran for that matter. Her navy blue dress sticks out like a sore thumb in a sea of red, white and black. Apparently, dressing for the afterparty is more important to her than supporting her boyfriend. 

“Fills the void, I guess.” Kieran sighs and places himself in your line of sight, effectively blocking her from view. You tip your chin up to meet his eyes. 

“Does it feel the same when she calls your name? Does she kiss you how I used to?”

It seems to sink in for him then, just how terribly he's hurt you. His murmured “no” leaves you slightly satisfied. 

“Then that's enough for me. I wish you both all the happiness you can find, but it won't be with me, Kieran. That chapter is closed for me. I suggest you do the same.”

[castlebyersafterdark]

I don't know! Why am I like this!!

hehehe ok firstly, shoutout to the peeps who can't watch panels due to the celebs, i can't relate but i feel for you! i struggle to watch them because of the awkwardness of the fans instead haha - awkward questions, silly questions, repetitive questions, people who burst into tears when they come to their turn. im sorry i just find that hard to watch lol! maybe its my inner journalist itching to be there and ask the real q's. or maybe im too british! pull yourself together, man! (said in a stiff military accent lmao) just kidding.

but as someone who used to find it harder than i do now to engage in this kind of content, my unsolicited advice that may not work for you is to really focus on being interested in what they have to say or are trying to say and what that might mean. then your brain kind of cuts out/dismisses the umming and ahhing, just sees it as a side effect instead of a tick or annoyance. obviously some speakers are worse than others but i honestly find most people in ST to be ok speakers, with the worst perhaps being finn. the others are all amenable and confident public speakers. i get the finn angst, it's never comfortable to see someone else who is uncomfortable... but he's fascinating, so i try to treat him as a fascinating person to observe when the empathy kicks in too hard and makes me want to hide lol.

which leads me to say vinny I AM HUGGING YOU RIGHT NOW! can't believe people were mean about you crying when another started crying - this is literally pure kind empathy at work and you are such a dreamboat for that. me and my whole family are the same, so i feel lucky to have had that experience. actually we used to be told not to cry as kids, only because my mum knew it would set her off too (she was already crying as she said it haha).

Yeah - good advice!! I really want to listen to what these actors have to say so it's a major power through moment every time!! And yeah, also not saying it to be mean but it's the fans primarily, but people can't help the reaction they have, and I know I'd fuck it up if I tried to ask something in public, which is why I never would. Actually, I'd try to be really funny and charming and it would fall completely flat and make me just seem like an ass so also, would never approach the mic at a con hahaha.

It's the same with live music or theater - I have this sinking fear in the pit of my stomach sometimes where as good as the show is, god if something goes wrong on stage and they flub lines and have trouble recovering or seriously mess-up a song or have a mishap, I would be dying inside and probably have a silent internal panic attack myself and wish I was anywhere else!! Get a grip, man, I am saying to myself!!!

And... thank you for the kind words. It's ok, I've manged to come out on the other side fine and unchanged, with people in my life who've made it known it's ok to be emotional, and be too much, and to feel deeply. And there's nothing wrong with being a guy who tears up a lot. (Part of what draws me to Will - I love him and I love his sensitivity and the way he feels so deeply. I've never seen a character like him before. Why when people complain about him being a crybaby it's a major 'shut up and let him be' moment from me! And Noah seems to also be similar so I feel kinship with that lovely guy). Listen. I grew up with 4 older brothers so. The little gay baby is my lot in life and it's totally fine now, but there was a lot of enduring bullshit growing up and breaking away from terrible friends and then finding people who let you be you. That's the goal in life. Find people who you can support and who will support you in turn, all sides. ❤️❤️❤️

[moonstruckloverwritings]

hi, can i ask for yandere peter parker with a crybaby and clingy reader.

Yandere! Peter Parker X Crybaby! Clingy! Reader

Peter Parker’s song/message for the reader in this scenario:

Honestly, I see Peter having conflicting emotions with a reader like this.

For the crybaby side, it would break his heart to see his love in pain. Wether it was physical or emotional, no matter if it was a big reason or a small reason.

If it was due to mental health, he’d do everything he could to help you. He’d set up over the phone therapy for you, maybe get some medication, talk you through it, make you food, do something you loved with you.. and if nothing else, dropping everything to just lay and hold you for as long as you needed.

If one day emotions were running too high and you spilled your drink from dinner which made you start to cry.. he’d shush you while cleaning it up for you and telling you everything was okay. He’d get you a new shirt and help you change it. Then he’d wipe your tears, kiss your forehead, and hold you to him until you calmed down. I imagine him softly singing/humming to you here to sooth you as well.

I feel like he would start taking over more things if you were a cry baby. Like how I mentioned above how he’d help change your shirt. He would feel a greater need to do things for you than he normally would. A greater “let me take care of it for you” mentality. And he already had that to a high degree before the crybaby element. So with it, we’re in the territory of him feeding you by hand, brushing your hair, changing you, bathing you etc. All the while he would be feeding you affirmations of how precious you were to him, how much he loved you, how much he loved doing things for you because you deserved it.

On to the clingy side. These are well paired because either way you’d be glued to his side. He’d take you with him while he did anything around the apartment. He’d hold your hand the whole way while cooked or cleaned. If he had to have two hands he’d use his hands but every so often reach over and kiss your cheek or throw an “I love you” your way. Or even better have you hug his front with his chin on your shoulder nuzzling you while he used his hands in front of him.

He would have absolutely no problem or complaints about a clingy love. He loves you wholeheartedly. He loves to relish in you and doesn’t ever get enough of you.

[stayandot8]

Chapter Three, Part Two: Hell's Reign

series summary: this one is a little different than anything else I've written. An AU where the members work in a bar with my MC, no idols among them. It's also going to be on the longer side. The fluffy Chris we know and love is nowhere to be found. He's broodier, moodier, and has jokes up the wazoo. So buckle up, kitties. This one's gonna be good 😏.

inspo: the song by Fall Out Boy.

Genre: i'm not really sure tbh

Relationship type: ???

Important Contents: bar setting, so mentions of alcohol, chris is a lowkey-highkey dick, swearing as usual, 18+, mentions of dr*gs, death of a child, mentions of a g*n (if i miss any, please let me know)

a/n: HOOOOOO BOY, we been waitin on this one for a while, huh. Sorry for those of you who are actually reading this series, the creative process takes a lot out of you, especially when you have no time on your hands. BUT here is the next part, fully finished. I hope it lives up to your expectations. I don't know when the last part will be out, so I guess follow me if you aren't already? If you want to? Anyways... enjoy. :)

WC: 12.9k

Last part l Next Part I masterlist

~

My feet had never been lighter as I followed Minho out of my room and down the stairs. Once I was out of earshot of the slumbering boy upstairs, I let the panic set in.

“Minho?” He was quiet, moving about to find the things he needed. Grabbing a coffee pod and inserting it into the machine while finding a mug. He simply opened the cabinet and grabbed one, completely ignoring the mug with cats on it. That’s when I knew he wasn’t really all there. He shuffled over to place the mug under the machine to catch the coffee and pushed the start button. He didn’t turn around. 

“Minho? “ Nothing. He just stared as the machine whirred to life and the smell of coffee hit me. Awakened my senses. 

“Minho, please.” I hated how my voice sounded, pleading and high-pitched. Like I was about to cry. “Please let me explain.”

“You don’t need to.” His back was starting to piss me off, my desperation turning to anger. I just wished he would turn around and look at me. 

“I feel like I do. Nothing happened. Not last night. He couldn’t sleep, he said Changbin was snoring really loud so he couldn’t-”

“What do you mean ‘not last night’? Has something happened between you before last night?” He finally turned to face me, his features hard. I couldn’t tell what he was thinking. He was good at that mask of coolness, acting like nothing mattered to him. He was cool as ice, his eyes shuttering closed and giving nothing away. It was like he was trying very hard not to show any emotion. The twitches of his mouth were the only sign I had that he was still breathing. He wanted to say something, he just wasn’t saying it.

I stood there, silent. Watching him and opening and closing my mouth to say something. Anything. But nothing was coming. There was nothing I could do to combat the hurt he unknowingly exposed. I knew that deep down. What I didn’t understand was why he felt hurt. 

His eyes kept flitting between my chin and his cup, steam rising up and disappearing into the air. He would watch it fade from view, then come back to my chin, not willing to look me in the eye. 

“The night before last…” I started, voice barely above a whisper. “He waited for me while I was closing up. We got into an argument and he told me…things. Things I couldn’t…ignore. And he kissed me. And I didn’t stop him.” I said all of this to the floor, my stomach doing flips. 

“Well that makes sense.” Was the only thing he said, but the way he whispered it, I could tell it wasn’t meant for me. I made a mental note to ask him later. All I could focus on now was how he felt right now. 

What I still couldn’t figure out was why I felt like a child getting caught sneaking out in the middle of the night. I hadn’t done anything wrong, so why did I feel such shame and guilt creeping up through my spine, locking my throat? Why was Minho’s gaze so hard to meet? Why did it feel like more than just an older brother being concerned for me? Why wasn’t he saying anything? 

I took a few deep breaths and chanced meeting his eyes, which weren’t on me. They were glued to the view out the window behind me, jaw clenched. He looked strained with the weight of the words he wasn’t saying. Each rise and fall of his chest pushing them deeper and deeper until they hit the bottom, to be locked away. The tension he was creating with the silence grew with every passing minute, becoming tangible. My hands found solace in fiddling with my own cuticles, picking and messing with them in every which way I could. 

“Minho, please.” I repeated. “Say something. Anything. Yell at me, scream at me, hit something, just do something other than stare out the window.” His tongue licked his lips quickly, then returned inside his closed lips. He blinked rapidly, eyes never settling on one place for very long. He swallowed. Loud. 

“I just…” He trailed off. He bit his lower lip for a second before giving me what I wanted this whole time. He looked me straight in my eye and said, “I didn’t know you dated coworkers.” His shoulders sagged, deflated, and his head lowered. He stared back down at his feet, finally finding a spot to land on. He shuffled his slippered feet, crossing one over the other while he leaned on the counter. 

My head reeled. That was the last thing I thought he would say. I said as much. 

He scoffed, but looked up at me expectantly, like he was waiting for an answer to a question he didn’t ask. I let my head fall in confusion. 

“Is that what this is about? Me dating a coworker? I never knew of a rule against that.”

“There isn’t. I don’t care if people date each other in the workplace, as long as it doesn’t affect their work. I just didn’t know you did.”

“But why does that matter?”

He sighed. “It matters.” To me.

I stared at him.  Couldn’t do anything else. The silence in my head was now replaced with a million questions. I had been in front of him this whole time yet I didn’t see him until now. My quiet, stubborn, kind-hearted friend and his quirks all wrapped into this man before me, fighting his better judgment. The inner battle he was losing was evident in his frown lines.

“Minho?”

“I was-” Footsteps up the stairs, heavy and a sound like someone dragging something soft with them. Minho’s eyes went wide again and he turned his back to me, to whoever was coming down the stairs. Felix appeared, a blanket wrapped around himself, his blue hair disheveled and eyes drooping. 

“What- Why are you guys up?”  I glanced at Minho's back and sighed. 

“Nothing. Just too excited to be here I guess. Didn’t sleep much.” Minho said nothing. The tension I was feeling mere moments ago was fleeing, as if it too didn’t want to be a part of this. Part of what, I didn’t understand. I watched Felix move about to start making something for himself, moving around the stationary Minho and completely oblivious in his half-awake state. Clatter of pans and the frying of eggs were the only sounds coming from this room, the ceiling creaking about with the others starting to wake and walk around. I was staring at the marble of the kitchen island, trying to make sense of it all. 

Then it hit me.

Like a ton of bricks.

Space.

I needed space. 

The house was too loud, too crowded for such a large temporary oasis. The open kitchen-to-living room was suddenly too close, pushing in and squeezing any air that was left in the room. It was quickly very hard to breathe. Ragged breaths were all I could manage. 

I felt a hand on the small of my back. Chris appeared out of nowhere at my side, looking very concerned. He searched my eyes for what might be ailing me, but it was all a whirlwind of confusion, anxiousness, and nerves of giving something away before I could tell him myself. 

“I’m… going to get some sea air.” I stood, moving out from Chris’s grip and headed for my shoes by the door. Chris followed me, his basketball shorts swinging with every step and tshirt hanging loose on his torso. 

“Do you want me to go with you?” He said just low enough for me to hear. I shook my head.

“No, it’s fine. I just need some air.” And I left him standing in the door, looking like a puppy being abandoned by its owner. I glanced back as I shut the door and Minho’s eyes were watching me walk out, a similar look reflecting back to me.

*

Even surrounded by the calming aura of the sea, my mind was still reeling. My hands were running mindlessly through the sand, my mind elsewhere occupied. 

Minho had feelings for me. That was all that was bouncing within the walls of my skull, going from one side to the other. 

Minho has feelings for me. Has? Had? It seemed current, ongoing. So many questions were coming to me in between the waves of shock running through me. 

How long has he felt like this? Why say something now? Why didn’t he say anything sooner? He had plenty of opportunities. We’ve only been working together forever. We’ve only known each other all our lives. Why did he never say a word? Or did he show signs and I just never saw them. 

The Minho I knew wasn’t very expressive. Often coming across cold and unfeeling, he was never one that was easy to catch on to until he had already done what he was going to do. He laughed quietly, except when he didn’t. He found no one funnier than himself though. His jokes were the funniest to him. When he wasn’t overwhelmed with work, he actually was one of the funniest people I knew. 

Ah, Minho at work. He got buried too often. Or maybe he buried himself? Oh god, did he bury himself in his work to distract himself from his surroundings? Namely, me? No, there’s no way. He just focuses easily on it. He loves it. Doesn’t he?

Everything was coming too quickly, too fast for me to comprehend. I tried to let the sea drown out the thoughts when two people plopped down beside me in the sand. I knew from the smells of old dough and cologne that it was Felix and Hyunjin. I didn’t bother turning my head from the water. 

They sat with me, silent and following my gaze out into the nothingness. Felix leaned his head on my shoulder, the weight of his head bringing me back down from my thundercloud of thoughts. I brought my knees to my chest and wrapped my arms around them. The blanket of safety I needed while I had these two friends with me along with the silence. Hyunjin broke it first. 

“You really didn’t know?” 

I snapped my head to him, eyes bewildered. He kept staring straight ahead, either completely oblivious or pointedly ignoring my stare.

“You did?” He nodded.

“We all did. We thought he would die before telling you.” Hyunjin said it slowly, like he was weighing the words on a scale before he used them. 

“And he told everyone but me?” Felix picked his head up before shaking it.

“No, he didn’t tell anyone. We just…picked it up from watching him with you. No one told us. We just know how he is with you versus how he is with other people. He’s softer, less… troublesome with you.”

“I beg to differ, Lix. He gives me all kinds of shit! You guys just don’t see it.”

“Maybe,” he replied “but I would bet you that everyone else would say otherwise.” His deep voice was soft, carefully laying the words at my feet for examination. For the first time since they sat down, I looked at each of them. Hyunjin was cautious, a little apprehensive and bit his bottom lip while he watched me. He met my eyes, giving me an apologetic look. 

“Really?” I said, quiet. He nodded slowly. I sighed and looked to Felix, whose head was still on my shoulder in his version of comfort. He shifted to look at me without moving off my shoulder. His eyes were wide and I have never hated that look more than this moment. I couldn’t say no to him, I would give him anything he wanted. “And what do you want?”

“I want to get this burden off of you. It just seems like it’s a lot for you right now.” 

“You have no idea.” I went back to the ocean, longing to be a simple piece of seaweed just floating in the water. My life would be so simple if I was just another piece of greenery with no feelings, nothing to care about, no one to answer to or listen. 

“Hey, we’re gonna leave you to think. Just…” They stood up, brushing the sand off their pants for the walk back. Hunjin had gotten a head start while Felix had started walking backwards, still facing me. “Don’t be out here too long. People” he widened his eyes at me, putting even more emphasis on the word, “will start to worry.” I nodded once, knowing exactly which people he was referring to. I wondered what he was doing through all of this, if he too would join me out here.

Well, I should have known better than to doubt that he would.

The sun was almost straight above me, signaling midday. It was a nice day to be at the beach if you weren’t me. More people had crowded the beach here, enough where there was noise to distract me. Shirtless guys playing volleyball, families laying out on blankets and old sheets, kids playing with their toys and shouting for their parents' attention were all around me. I was watching one particular group of older teens pushing and shoving each other playfully when another presence approached me. 

Minho walked quietly on normal ground, but he was even softer on sand. He mimicked my position, knees up to his chest with his arms circling them. He joined his hands together in nervous wringing as he found what I was watching. 

“They’ll get burned to a crisp.” A puff of air escaped my nose in a chuckle. We watched them run around for a while before my thoughts and questions burst through the dam. 

“How long?” A deep sigh. 

“Almost 10 years.” 

“It started at 15?” I asked incredulously. I saw him nod through the corner of my eye. “How?”

“I couldn’t tell you the exact moment. It was like I woke up one day and realized ‘hey, you’re in love with your best friend.’ Which was immediately followed by a ‘fuck, you’re in love with your best friend.’ And there was nothing I could do about it. Nothing to slow down, nothing to catch me from feeling this way. It was like it was… always there. Just waiting to be tapped alive.” 

I couldn’t believe it. Was I just too naive to realize it? Or was he just that good at hiding it?

“Why didn’t you say anything?”

“I was waiting to see if there was any spark there, anything to tell me that you were into me too. And I was waiting and waiting and waiting. I watched the boyfriends come and go. I watch you flirt with customers. I knew what it looked like when you liked someone, so I looked for those signs. I looked for them with the guys and I didn’t find any. I thought you just didn’t like guys you worked with so I just sat back. I knew I couldn’t let the restaurant go, and there was no way in hell I was firing you so I suffered in silence. I didn’t think that would change. Yet here we are.”

“Here we are.” I was scared to look at him, afraid of the vulnerability I would find. I didn’t think I was ready for it. I had never seen him not be his sarcastic, stubborn, sometimes abrasive self. This was a new side of him I hadn’t been able to see. But I couldn’t help wondering… “What now?”

“Well…” He turned to me, forcing me to finally return that piercing gaze. I was right to be afraid of what I would see. I swallowed hard. “I know you. I know how you think. I know how you are. If you had feelings for me, you would have felt them already.” I tried to protest, the words forming on the tip of my tongue. He held up his hand to stop me. “It’s true and you know it.” That sad smile broke my heart. “Besides, now that you know, if you told me you returned those feelings, I don’t think I would believe you. Not truly. I would think that you were just saying it to ease the blow.” He put his hand on my knee. “We’re fine, I promise. I’ll just need some time to grieve. I don’t want this to turn into some… choice you have to make. Between me and him. It would create drama that we don’t need and honestly, I can’t stand the thought of losing you. So I’m removing myself from the equation. Forget I said anything and let’s just go back to how things were.”

“That’s the thing, Minho. I don’t know if I can. Now I’m going to read into everything you do and wonder if you’re telling me the truth.”

“But I’ve never lied to you.”

“A lie of omission is still a lie.” To that, he was silent. “Exactly.”

“Just give me some time. You’ll see, it’ll be fine.” I turned my eyes to him again. “Do you still want to be my friend?”

“I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

“Then just give me time. Nothing has to change.” It was my turn to be silent, doubtful of his words. 

I didn’t want to lose him either. I wanted to tell him, but the words wouldn’t come out. He meant the world to me. I couldn’t, I wouldn’t lose him. But now everything he did I would have to look at differently. Reading into every word he said like I would find something there if I looked hard enough. 

“Now, if you’re going to pursue things with Chris, you need to make sure he’s telling you everything. Don’t push it, let him come to you. But make sure he tells you about his family before you two get…serious.”

“We’re not officially together. Not yet.”

“‘Yet’. There’s that word again.”

“What did you mean earlier? When you said ‘it makes sense’?”

“He asked me if I was into you and I never gave him a straight answer. I didn’t deny it outright. Not until later.”

“So he suspected it too? Wow, did everyone know but me?”

“I denied it to everyone who asked. After the first couple times, the others just stopped asking. I figured they had dropped it.”

“They took your denial as just the opposite. Hyunjin just told me that they all knew.” Minho nodded. 

“That makes sense too. They never asked me about it again so I assumed they dropped it.” Hmm.

“Is that why he was so cold towards me in the beginning? Chris?”

“I don’t know for sure. You’ll have to ask him.” I nodded and took in our surroundings one last time for the day. I had already spent too much time here. I needed to talk to Chris. 

We walked back together, not really saying much. I was still processing all that he had said to me. I think he was doing the same, accepting the fate he had resigned himself to. 

Walking up that long driveway, we could see that a figure was sitting on the stairs leading up to the front door. Sounds of splashing and laughter came from the backyard, yells and shrieks from the other boys of laughter and playful shouting. Minho was a few steps behind me, trailing me the whole way. As the figure came more and more into view, Chris had dressed in jean shorts and a white t-shirt with a band I hadn’t heard of. His hat was backwards as he picked at his cuticles and tried to act like he wasn’t waiting for us to come back. When we reached his earshot, his head shot up. He looked confused as to whether he should stand up or not. I stopped just short of him, giving him no indication of what was said over the past few hours. The only thing me and Minho talked about was that I should be the one to talk to Chris about everything. 

Minho walked past me up the steps, giving me a small pat on the back before I sat next to Chris. I picked a spot of rocks on the driveway to focus on, deciding it would be the only thing I look at while I got everything out. I was struggling with how to start, but Chris decided for me. 

“So… What the fuck? What was all that?”

“That… was the culmination of years and years of pining.” I turned to look him in the eye, wanting him to know that I didn’t enjoy this part at all. “He’s been lying to you. He does- did have feelings for me. He never told me or anyone else.” 

“What?”

“Yep. He didn’t even tell me directly. I figured it out. And this was the one time he didn’t deny it.” I turned to fully face him, watching his facial expression turn from confused to slightly angry. “He peeked in my room this morning and saw your arm around me. I wouldn’t have been so concerned but his face when he realized what he was seeing… I never want to see that face again. It was this mixture of sadness and anger and pain that I have never seen before. So I ran after him.

“And that’s when we started talking in the kitchen when we got interrupted by Felix. That was when it clicked. He was talking about not knowing that I dated coworkers and I thought it was weird until he wouldn’t look at me while I was explaining. I think that was the moment it actually clicked for me. He said something about something making sense and when I asked him about it, he said that you asked him if he had feelings for you. He said he denied it. Has denied it every time he’s been asked.”

“I asked him when I realized my own feelings. It was at the same time that I noticed he treated you differently from the rest of the crew. When he denied it, I thought it was because you were friends for so long. It was the only reason I could come up with.”

“So then why did you treat me like I wasn’t worth your time?”

“He just talked about you so much, I wanted to see what all the fuss was about. It wasn’t until about a month in that it finally clicked. I was fighting it, I didn’t want to fall victim to it too. But that all changed for me when you started training me. I got to see you. I saw what everyone else saw. And I was pissed about it. I had fallen for you and I was fighting it so hard. But you broke down every wall I had built, just by being you.” 

Everyone was dropping so many bombs at my feet today. I hardly had the brain power to process it all. I thought this weekend would be fun, a time for all of us to relax. I didn’t think it would end up like this. Well, why stop the bombs now? I dove in head first.

“Tell me about your family.” Chris’s face hardened from the open and soft glow he had while he was telling me his feelings. From confessing more about how his feelings had come about to being forced to bring up a subject I was sure he wasn’t ready to talk about. He was pushing himself to tell me. I was pushing him, dying to know what Minho thought was important that I should know before he and I moved forward.  

Chris looked at me, apprehensive and wringing his hands just like Minho had earlier today. That particular nervous tick they had in common. They reminded me more and more of each other with every passing day. Chris swallowed hard and looked behind him to the front door to check for any eavesdroppers. Then picked a spot on the gravel in front of him just like I had. And it all came tumbling out.

“You weren’t… far off with your accusation of drug deals. My father was the one who brought me into it. Said he wanted to retire and do his own thing and pass it on to me to take care of everything. He got so caught up with leaving me with the responsibility and teaching me how to do things properly that he slipped up on his boss and he ran my father out of town. I spent the next two years trying to right his wrong and get him back. My mother was devastated. And pregnant with her fourth child.

 “I had two younger brothers. Lucas was close with my sister but the baby, Daniel, wouldn't leave my side no matter where I went. Those pictures you found in that box, those were the ones I took with me before I left. Those are the only pictures we have together. He was the one who understood what I was going through without me telling him. He had a talent for feeling your emotions without you having to say it. He was the sunshine that came out of the shadows of my father running. Daniel was always trying to make Lucas and Hannah laugh every day. He was so young and already wanted to make everyone around him happy. I wanted to take him everywhere, make up for my dad being a piece of shit that ran out on him. And he came along too, just to be a part of it all. I kept him away from that dark part of our life, the life my father thrust on me to take care of them. The problem was the room we shared. Daniel always wondered where I went in the middle of the night without him. He would wake up after I put him to bed and question me until he was out of breath and I got him to go back to sleep again. I was very late to a lot of deals because of him. About three years ago, he followed me to a deal and hid in the corner of the alleyway where no one could see him. I thought I was being careful enough that I wasn’t being tailed. But he was smaller, quicker, could hide easily. Well, the deal took a wrong turn, something about there not being enough for what he paid for. He brought out his ‘backup’ and started shooting, two warning shots off to the side. And I heard the smallest of gasps from behind the shadows.

“I’ll never forget the way his little body collapsed to the ground. It haunts me every night in my dreams. Everyone ran. I found someone on the side of the street to call for help but by the time the ambulance came…” He shook his head, his bottom lip starting to quiver. He drew some calming breaths, fighting the welling I could see coming from him. I could see the anger, the pain of it all in those tears. He was fighting these emotions too.

“That’s how I know Minho. He was in the hospital for his dad in a random town, my town, and he saw me pacing and waiting for my mother. I can’t imagine how I must have looked for him to approach me that night. He said he overheard what I told the nurse and put two and two together since the town we were living in at the time was known for shit like that. I didn’t say anything, didn’t confess or deny it. And then the fucker sat down and he waited. He started telling me this story about how his dream used to be to become a professional dancer. I thought he was fucking nuts, talking to this random guy about his dreams. But what I didn’t know at the time was that he was waiting with me for my family to come so I wouldn’t be alone in a hospital. 

“He gave me a piece of paper with his number on it and told me if I ever needed a way out, to give him a call. I don’t know what he saw in me that day, probably a broken soul with no way to change his circumstances but I couldn’t face my family after what had just happened. I couldn’t… wake up every day in that house, knowing what I had done to them. I didn’t deserve any kindness from them. So I ran too. I left my sister, my brother, and my mother all to deal with the mess of what I had done. I’d been living with friends and friends of friends for years, just trying to make ends meet and keep up with demand until Minho called me again a couple months ago and told me he had a job for me. So I packed up my duffel and hopped on the bus until I got here.”

I was in tears by the time he was done. We both were, as much as he tried to fight it. His breaths were shaky as he tried to regain his composure. 

“What you saw that night was when they caught up to me. I hadn't seen them since. They couldn’t find me, they said. But now they have. I don’t want to fuck this up, I like being here. I don’t want to have to run again.”

Wiping the tears that had fallen, my fingers were now slightly wet. I wasn’t sure how my voice would sound if I were to speak, but I had to ask. 

“Have they come back since?” He swallowed again and kept staring at the ground. I couldn’t help the slight anger that arose. What the fuck.

“It’s not like I wanted them to come. They have people everywhere. I can’t ever get away. I’ll always be dragged back there. Hell, I moved four towns over and they still found me.”

“What do they want from you? Why won’t they leave you alone?”

“He keeps saying I need to pay back my fathers mistakes. More deals I do, the less that I owe. I was hoping that if I made enough here, I could pay them and they would leave, but they haven’t yet. More things keep getting tacked on to the bill and it’s just a never-ending list.” He ran his hands up his face and into his hair and groaned. “If I could be done with it, I would.” He sniffled and wiped his tear-stained face again. 

“Thank you. For telling me.” I couldn’t think of anything else to say. I had no words for what he just told me and I was trying not to let it show. He started, seemingly surprised to hear me say that. “You haven’t told anyone else that, have you.” Not really a question. 

“I told Minho when I got here. But he’s the only one who knows.” I nodded. “What a way to ruin a romantic trip, huh.”

“It’s not ruined.” I put a hand on his back, trying to reassure him and myself. “Just had a couple wrenches thrown in. But there’s still two more days until we have to go back home. Let’s just…try to enjoy this as much as we can, yeah?” He plucked up his best smile, which came off tighter than what I was used to. His effortless glow was dull now, tired and emotionally exhausted. I had to admit that I was too. 

*

Mini golfing had been Changbin’s idea. Something about showing off another one of his ‘many talents’. All of us rolled our eyes. 

“Ah yes, something else Changbin can hold over our heads for the rest of the trip.” Seungmin had a point. Changbin loved beating us at sports and games and such and then never letting us live it down. Bowling was always his first choice, but we had all talked him out of it, especially since there weren’t really any bowling alleys around this area of town. But what they lacked in bowling alleys, they made up for in other activities. Mini golfing was one of them.

We all piled into the minivan Minho had rented for us. The ride there was filled with all kinds of smack-talk, more yelling and shouting. There was never a moment of peace around here. 

The spot Changbin picked was an outdoor place with a Jungle theme. It had a huge plastic monkey out front that you had to enter under. The open way to the front desk was littered with people who were thinking the same as us; just wanting to get out of the house and do something together. What they didn’t know was how our group handled such activities.

Hyunjin and Felix were “fighting” over who got the blue putter while Minho and Seungmin were mercilessly teasing Changnin about how they would beat him at his own suggestion. Chris had taken Han to find where the staff kept the golf balls, which left myself and Jeongin to meander once we found which putter we wanted to use. I opted for the pink one, of course. 

“Why are they so mean to him sometimes?” Jeongin asked, watching Minho and Seungmin. 

“It’s how they show their love for him. Trust me, he knows. He wouldn’t stand for it if he wasn’t happy. He does the same thing to them, haven’t you noticed?” I was doing my best to pretend everything was normal, like my heart and my mind weren’t constantly going a thousand miles a minute since this afternoon. It wasn’t that I was scared of Chris, it was just that I had no choice but to see him differently now. I never expected him to trust me immediately, I knew it would grow over time. What I wasn’t expecting was the contents of the story. It wasn’t his fault his brother had come along to something he wasn’t supposed to, but he blamed himself anyway. I wasn’t sure if that made him admirable or not. 

“Changbin has tells when something or someone goes too far for him. He’ll shut down almost instantly or be just the opposite of how he normally is.” 

“Kinda like you.” My head snapped up at him, surprise written all over my face, I was sure. Innie had never read me like that. I narrowed my eyes on him. 

“Whatever do you mean, Young One?” He smiled. 

“You’ve been off since this morning. Like something’s bothering you.” I sighed at him. So young, but he was observant. Liked knowing the small details of everything and everyone around him. “What are you hiding? What happened today?” His face held not a trace of insincerity, his eyes focused on me and willing me to tell him the truth. I almost did. 

“Nothing, Innie. Don’t worry, whatever it is will work itself out in the near future. I’m sure of it.”

“Well, if you won’t tell me, then I can at least help you take your mind off of it.” He placed his hand on my shoulder and let me lead the way behind Changbin, who had taken off to the first hole. 

“Whoever gets through first, tell Hyunjin how many hits you had and he’ll write it down. Whoever loses buys dinner. Ultimate winner picks where we eat!” 

Felix went first, not doing too well. 

“It’s because there’s a hill there!” He pouted the three steps over to the next hole while he watched everyone else.

Chris laughed at him along with the others before turning to me to try and catch my eye. He’d been trying since we piled in the van. I wasn’t purposely ignoring him, per say. I just needed more time. He leaned forward and back, trying to move around Han without drawing too much attention to himself. He frowned, and from the corner of my eye, I saw his shoulders go up then down, letting out a sigh. His frustrations weren’t for nothing, I knew I was avoiding him and so did he. I just didn’t know for how long. Once I was sure his back was turned, I chanced a look. His shoulders sagged more than they had since we left. He looked defeated. 

“Ah, so it is him.” Jeongin and his nosy ass… 

“Don’t tell anyone. Please. It’s just very complicated right now and I just need to sort it out on my own.” He shrugged and widened his eyes to look more innocent. 

“I wouldn’t even know what to say. I don’t know what’s going on.” He threw up his hands and followed Felix’s turn. Innie had an untapped affinity for mini golf, it seemed. He got it on the first try, to everyone’s shock and admiration, even his own. 

I went next, although it took me a couple tries, I got it in eventually. 

“Not bad! You did better than me.” Felix said, watching the others before he moved on to the next hole. 

“I think that’s how this whole course is going to go for me.” And I was right. 

Twelve holes later, my name was at the bottom of the list of winners, Han following close behind. ‘I’m no good with sports with balls!’ he insisted again and again. From the looks of the beginning of our adventure, I thought Jeongin would win the entire thing and I would be saved from any extreme expenses. But alas, Seungmin surprised us all. 

“Let’s go to the seafood place we saw down that way.” He pointed down south towards town and we all followed one by one, leaving the van behind since the weather was nice and it was a short walk. Chris decided he’d had enough of my avoidance and finagled his way to my side. 

“Everything okay?” He kept his eyes straight, walking just behind the others in front of me, letting his voice carry on the wind. 

“Not excited about the hundreds of dollars I’m about to spend but I guess.”

“Have you been avoiding me on purpose or by accident?” Ignoring my attempt at a joke, his tone gave away more than he would admit, but I heard the slight embarrassment for even asking. Like he didn’t want to appear insecure for asking a simple question he may already know the answer to. 

“Can we not talk about this here? In front of everyone?”

“Then later tonight? Please?” There was that voice again, that pleading he would never admit to. I had to make up my mind by tonight then, whether to keep things going as they were or to end them now and for good. It seemed like too soon. “I’m not trying to push you, you’re just making me nervous.”

“How about tomorrow night? Before we leave the next day.” It was the best solution I could give him at this moment, while I was still trying to figure myself out. 

“I won’t get an answer tonight anyways, will I.” More of a statement than a question. I shook my head. 

“I don’t have one right now.” Han must have said something funny because the boys ahead of us cracked up and started playfully shoving the boy. They were completely oblivious to the conversation happening behind them and the weight it carried. Minho was smiling at Han and trying not to look at us from the way his body was angled to the side but his eyes were on his friends and the sidewalk ahead of him. 

Chris sighed and kept walking, picking up his pace to leave me behind. I watched them all, all eight of them, together for the rest of the walk. They were a good looking group. They fit with each other really well. Where one lacked, others were there to pick it up. The strengths they played on were just that; strengths. Individually, they were good, but together, they were even better. 

We walked into the restaurant and were greeted by a hostess that couldn’t have been more than seventeen, but her smile made her look older. It was warm and inviting and perfect for her job. 

“How many?” She asked us. Changbin, who was stuck in front of the group, rose to his tiptoes and counted to make sure he was right. 

“Nine.” He replied and the girl counted her menus and led us to a table in the back. The place was semicrowded, just enough to have a stable crowd for this time of day, but not so much as to be too busy to do everything needed. Minho once told me that this meant the place was good, no matter who was cooking.

Once we were all dropped off at our table, the girl started placing menus in front of the chairs to return to her station at the front. Everyone sat in whatever seat they liked while Minho and Chris stared at the last few open seats; one beside me and one diagonally in front of me. When I realized what they were looking at, I quickly sat down and picked up my menu, eager for something else to focus on so I wouldn’t feel pressured to help them with this decision. Chris took the seat beside me while Minho took the other across the table. They both glared at each other for a second before giving a quick nod and picking up their menus.

Felix was seated on my other side and Hyunjin was on his. They were looking at the menu together and whispering to each other. Chris sat himself down carefully beside me, like I might explode if he sat too fast. 

“I seem to have found myself beside you yet again. Funny how we keep seeming to be thrown together like this.” He flipped open his menu. “Like a pattern almost.” He turned the pages without glancing at me, scanning through them top to bottom. I took a deep breath and continued to do the same, wondering why the universe was always playing such jokes on me. 

***

That night the boys decided to initiate a tournament of sorts downstairs in the basement. I opted for the silence of the crow’s nest on top of the house. Staring at the stars again, like so many other nights of years prior, I was looking for clarity. Being alone while being in a house full of people was a strange, yet not uncommon feeling for me. When there was fighting in the house of my childhood, I needed to find an escape elsewhere and the stars were as good a place as any. 

I hated this feeling that was coursing through my veins right now. This feeling of uneasiness was disturbing to my bones. Even when I wasn’t sure where I was going in life, there was always a backup plan in place. Even when it wasn’t solid, I knew I could come up with one if I needed to. But this didn’t feel like that. This felt like I was lined up at the plate, ready to hit a home run only to find out the pitcher wasn’t even there. 

Was Chris’ past something I could look past? Did it even matter? He seemed really torn up about it. I would be too in his shoes. But was that enough to look past how he got here in the first place? The drugs, the trauma, everyone he was involved with, it just seemed like too much. But he felt like a changed man, even if I never knew the old one. It felt as though he wanted to be different, wanted to be better than the boy he left behind. I wondered what sparked that desire for change. I prayed it wasn’t me. I wasn’t sure why.

I never wanted to change him, just to… The truth was I didn’t know. At first, I just wanted him off my back but that was before he became my responsibility. Now he wanted to become more, but before he could do that he needed to stop dealing with those people for his own safety, to stop him from getting hurt and to protect everyone else we had come to care about now. That was before I cared about him as I do now. And before I knew what was behind it all. 

Minho was another situation. He said to give him time. I didn’t want to lose him, but if what he said was true, that I would have felt something for him the way he wanted to, I would have felt it by now. But I didn’t know it was true. I couldn’t tell the difference between what I felt for him now and what I felt before, with the exception of the pang of guilt every time I thought about him. If what I felt now was friendship, then was it true that it was all I was capable of for him? I had never been overwhelmed with the need to kiss him or anything of the sort, but knowing what I know now, would that change? Did it matter if it did? Would it matter to him?

Minho: Where did you go? Felix is asking.

Me: You’re a terrible liar, even over text.

Minho: That’s beside the point. Answer the question.

Me: On the roof. 

“I should’ve known you would find your way up here.” 

“You know I love a roof.” His steps were loud on the wooden staircase, creaking beneath his boot. He found me bundled up in my blanket that I took from my room, feet tucked under me while crouched in the corner. I was sure I looked a mess with my hair tied on top of my head and makeup barely off. 

“That I do.” He sat across from me and mirrored my position sans blanket and looked up at the sky. “How bad was the damage?”

“Nothing a raise won’t fix.” We both smiled. We had always had this easy repertoire between us. I hoped nothing would change that. “I didn’t really get the chance to tell you earlier, but I thought about what you said. I’ve been thinking about it all day. And I don’t want to hurt you further, but I know as much as I wish you weren’t, I wanted to tell you that you’re right. The feelings I have for you and the ones I feel for Chris are different from each other. I don’t mean to drive the stake in deeper, but I just want you to hear it from me first. Minho, I care about you more than I do myself. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. I hope you know that.” He nodded, watching my face as I spoke. It was killing him, little by little. But he needed to hear it. “I know you said to give you some time and I will. I just hope your opinions of me don’t change. I love you like family and I always will. You mean too much to me to let you go without a fight.” That made the shoulders slump fully, even though his face was growing into a sad smirk. 

“You couldn’t get rid of me if you tried. I am your boss.” There was that joke to save me from crying. He could always tell, even when I myself couldn’t. “Unless you want to look for a new job…” He was looking up at the sky and making a face like he was actually thinking about it. I took off my slipper and chucked it at him, hitting his knee that was folded into his chest. He looked at the slipper and blinked, like he couldn’t believe what had just happened. Then he grabbed his leg and started fake-screaming out in pain, falling down to lay on the wood. I rolled my eyes.

“Lee Minho, the other one is coming for you if you don’t stop!” I took it off to show him and his screams dissolved into laughter. That maniacal laughter that he was known for that made anyone stop and give him a look before continuing on their way. I laughed with him until it faded away from our lungs and into the night breeze. He sat up and sighed as he fell back on the railing and scanned me up and down. “What?” I asked softly.

“Chris is just lucky, that’s all.” I blushed and glanced down at my feet. “Hey.” He nudged them, grunting as he reached with his own. “I wasn’t trying to get sympathy.” He stopped. “Well, maybe a little.” He said under his breath. 

I picked up my slipper again.

*

By the time I made my way down to the basement, Chris and Jeongin were the only ones left. Everyone else had gone to bed, or so I was told. They were in a ferocious game of air hockey when I got to the bottom step and I stopped to watch them play a little. Chris seemed like he was better than he was letting on, but Jeongin wasn’t going down without a fight. The score was tied on the digital monitor 6-6. The next point won, and as soon as I realized this fact, Jeongin screamed in satisfaction and glee. 

“YES! Ultimate Champion right here! That’s right!” He did a little dance in a circle, hsaking what little ass he had that made Chris burst into laughter, defeat far from his mind. They heard my laughter coming from behind them and whirled around to see me trying and failing to keep my laughter from being caught. 

“Not so fast there, Innie. You still have one more person to beat.” I sauntered over to the table and pressed reset. Chris seemed happy I was standing near him. Until I hip-checked him and moved him out of the way. “Can’t have you getting in the way.” He looked at the younger boy, who was staring at his paddle like it had grown legs. “Jeongin!” He looked up through his lashes like a kid who’d been caught. “Get the puck, baby boy.” His eyes went wider and his cheeks were red. He grabbed the puck and tossed it onto the table while I grabbed my own paddle. Jeongin was aggressive after he got over the nickname I gave him. Once the blush returned to his neck, his tongue had poked out between his teeth in concentration. He tried, but he was no match.

7-3

Chris was applauding both of our efforts once we were finished. He stood up from his seat on the couch and slowly clapped as he made his way over to me again. 

“I had no idea you were hiding such a talent. But…” He glanced at Jeongin for a second. “I’d like to take a stab at it if I can.” He turned his puppy dog eyes on me, directing the question to me. I swallowed and nodded.

“You can try, but I won’t hold back because it’s you.”

“Oh, my lady, I expect no less.” I raised my eyebrow at him, not expecting the formality. Jeongin cleared his throat.

“I’m going to mourn my title that I had for a total of thirty seconds in my room where people will comfort me.”

“Yeah, Hyunjin might cuddle with you if you ask nicely.” I called after him as he stuck his tongue out at me on his way up. He flashed a quick thumbs up when Chris’ back was turned and I swatted him away. He took off running. 

When I went back to the table, Chris had his hand on his paddle, ready to go. 

“Scared, Sparkles?” I recognized the familiar movie dialogue and smirked to myself. 

“You wish.” He smiled so wide his eyes crinkled into slits. I could barely see the brown I’d become so fond of. While we played, I mulled over my earlier train of thought. The bottom line was: I didn’t know that person. I only knew the one in front of me, getting his assed whooped at air hockey. Whatever mistakes he was running from, he’d removed himself from a place that could’ve gotten himself into somewhere much worse. He left his family behind, everything he had known and came here to make himself a new life at Minho’s offer. And if he could pull himself out of that place, then I could forgive actions that had no bearing on me. As for the family he had left behind, that could be changed. I knew he needed to check in on them, just to hear from them. I was sure they were dying to hear from him if he left with no word. I’d ask him about that later. 

He was keeping up with me point for point. I was right; he was holding back from Jeongin. But I couldn’t figure out why. After I scored my fifth goal, I asked him.

“Because he reminds me of my little brother. It’s actually a little creepy.” It wasn’t a sad memory he was reliving, but one that made him pause to enjoy living through it again. A mournful smile crossed his features before he shook his head and grabbed his paddle again. 

It was nice that he had someone that sparked something he had lost too soon. Anyone who looked in his direction would notice he was carrying a weight on his shoulders that was going to crush him if he didn’t lift it soon. I wondered if I could be the one to help him. 

Two goals later, we were still tied. The next goal would win and after he caught up to me for the sixth time, I saw something spark in his eyes.

“Why don’t we make it interesting?”

“Oh, I’m sorry, were you bored until now?” I left a lilt to my voice and tilted my head, trying my best to mock him into lowering his defenses. 

“No, I just thought it might be fun.” I squinted. 

“I’ll hear you out, but I don’t agree to anything yet.” He chuckled.

“If you win, I will cook the best meal you’ve ever had. Whatever you want, no matter how complicated, no matter how long it’ll take.” He paused for what I only assumed could be dramatic effect. “But if I win, you kiss me right here, right now.”

I raised my brow in confusion. “That doesn’t seem like a fair trade. Why do I get a fancy meal and you get a kiss?”

“To get you to take the deal.” He shrugged innocently. “You have more to gain than to lose. What’s better than that?” I pondered over it. What did I really have to lose here?

“Alright, Puck, you’re on.” I grabbed my paddle with a sudden vigorous grip, I was sure it would break beneath it. Chris lay the hockey puck down and swiped at it so hard it went straight at the wall and bounced so quickly, it landed

in my goal.

Just like that, it was over. In one swipe, our tight match was done with a winner that was not me. I stood still, not being able to move from shock at what just happened while my brain was playing catch-up. I looked down to confirm what I already knew and blinked as the puck stared back at me in the pocket to be retrieved. 

Chris was smiling at me with that cocky smile he had before we had started to play nice. But this time, at least there was no malice behind it, just easy cockiness he had for some unknown reason. The swagger was back. It had been missing since this morning and I hated to admit it, but I missed it. It was an essential piece of him that had grown dull until now. 

“I guess that means I win.” He said under his breath, but loud enough I could still hear him. 

“You planned this.” I leveled him, letting my mind wander with what plan he could have possibly concocted during the day. Was it all a ruse to get closer? Or just some act of the universe for the second time today. Someone is trying to tell me something, I just know it. 

Chris drew closer, dragging his hand across the edge of the table on his way over and not denying a thing. He was walking slowly, like he was waiting for me to say something that would indicate I didn’t want to. He was almost nervous with how tentatively he was creeping along the table. He was watching me to see what I would do, each step drawing closer and closer and he stopped just short of me. We hadn’t been this close like this since the first and only time we had kissed. That fact had popped into my brain as I felt my throat start to close like it does when I know something is coming. I tried to swallow and it came out as more like a gulp. Chris watched my throat go up and down and returned to look me in my eyes. 

I got the feeling he was still waiting for me to say something, to object. And I knew if I did, he would stop and back away and I would regret not doing it. The pang of the truth of that statement hit me and I bit my lip. My heart was beating loudly against my chest, it was a wonder he couldn’t hear it too. He stepped even closer, eyes moving down to my lips. I felt pinned to the ground. I couldn't move if I wanted to. He lifted a hand and lighty gripped my chin to tilt my head slightly up to his. Our eyes met, shortly followed by his lips on mine.

It was like being struck by lightning. Twice, since this was only our second kiss. But this one was intentional. It was full of purpose, yet gentle enough that I could feel the raw emotions he had been holding on to the entire day. A place in his heart he held onto to show just me. He was showing me what it might be like, our relationship. Our first kiss had been rushed, flooded with so many emotions it was hard to choose which one to act on. But this…

Chris moved his hand from chin down to my neck to hold me there while we each drank our fill from the moment. He slowly started tilting his head to deepen our soft and sweet kiss while his hands moved again down my arms to bring them to wrap around his own neck. Once they reached their destination, my own hands had minds of their own. They curled into his hair, feeling his curls threading through them. They were as soft as they were that night. I could see myself running through them when the moon took over the sky. 

Our lips had started to dance when I felt his hands move down to my hips again, the fire leaving a trail on their way down. They started to inch lower and lower, breaking me from my own trance. I broke our lips apart to whisper against his mouth and shook my head.

“Mm mm. Not tonight.” I let my hands slide down his shirt down to his stomach, then drop back to my side. I had to stop it here before I gave in to what I knew would be a mistake here. Not now, not in this place or in this climate between us. That was a conversation we still had to have, but tonight was not the night for it. Chris seemed to understand and brought his hands back.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you feel pressured.” I shook my head, more aggressively this time to add emphasis to my next words.

“You didn’t, I promise. And trust me, that day will most likely come. But in a house full of our friends? Maybe not.” Chris nodded with a shy grin.

“Right. I forgot they were here for a second.” He looked back up to me and gave me one last grin. “Well, then I guess this is goodnight.” I nodded, feeling the slight tension of what had just occurred rise. I bit my lip again. His eyes drew downwards to it. It was his turn to swallow hard.

“Goodnight, Chris.”

“Goodnight, Sparkles.” 

It was hard not to dream of him.

**

The next morning began with being awoken by Felix leaping into my bed with absolutely no warning. Besides the mild heart attack and the string of expletives that tumbled out of my mouth, I was mainly left with wondering what he was doing. 

“Felix, what the fuck?!”He evaded the question as he continued to laugh at my outburst and rolled off of me. His cackles bounced off my bedroom walls and I slapped his shoulder as hard as I could manage. His cries of laughter turned to those of pain as he held that spot. 

“Why did you hit me so hard?!”

“Because you scared the shit out of me! Why did you do that?!” He was rubbing his shoulder now. “You act more and more like the little brother I don’t have every single day.”

“You definitely do have little brothers, you have like seven.” I rolled my eyes and shoved him out of my bed. 

“What did you even wake me up for?”

“I just wanted to see if there was someone… extra in your bed this morning. I heard he went to bed with a big ass smile on his face last night and I thought he might sneak up here again.” I peeked at him through the corner of my eye as I stood up and walked over to my suitcase to find something to wear for the day’s activities. 

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.” 

‘Mhmm.” Felix huffed and plastered the most arrogant smirk on his lips. “Seungmin said he wanted everyone downstairs for breakfast. Something about ‘family time,’ I don’t know. But he’s cooking and I was sent to wake everyone up. Would you like to join me?”

“Like we don’t spend almost every waking moment together? Yeah, sure. Let me put some actual clothes on first.” He nodded and exited, rushing down the hall to jump on someone else. I heard a similar scream to mine, only in Jeongin’s voice this time, and knew exactly where he went.

I threw on my shorts and a plain t-shirt and stepped outside my door to see Felix whooshing past me with Hyunjin in tow, his hair a mess and his own t-shirt ruffled. 

“Felix Lee, I’m going to kill you!” Felix’s laughter followed him down the staircase. 

“It’s not my fault you’re so hard to wake up!” His flurry of blue hair disappeared downstairs, running towards the safety of whoever was downstairs. Hyunjin swung around the corner of the wall, his feet stomping down the stairs. 

I slowly made my way behind them, listening for the others that might be up here but hearing nothing, I continued on my way down. Reaching the second floor, I see most of the boys crowded around the kitchen island and drinking coffee. Chris spotted me and smiled brightly, his cup still having steam coming out of it. I sauntered over to him and placed my arm on his shoulder. 

“Morning.” He whispered to me. I smiled down at him and reached across him for his cup. He moved out of the way for me to have a better path and I took a sip while maintaining eye contact. His eyes flickered between mine and the cup I was drinking from, smirking at me. 

“Aren’t we missing someone?” I said to the group.

“Changbin said if anyone woke him up today, they would ‘find themselves missing a limb.’ I would rather not know what he meant by that.” Seungmin responded and brought his cup to his mouth. 

“Hm.” I thought about it for a moment and nudged Chris. “Should we go test his threat?”

“I thought you’d never ask.” He threw me a mischievous look and we both scurried off down the staircase to find our missing friend. 

He was not pleased. 

“YAAAHHHHH!!!!” Chris threw himself on top of Changbin, just like how Felix had done to me, and Changbin roared. He sat up swinging, almost knocking Chris straight in the eye. I was a mess on the floor, drowning in my own laughter and unable to breathe. “What was that for?! I could’ve knocked you out!” Chris’ laughter was a melody that sang to my very bones. I was still chuckling to myself, but I had resolved to watch Chris laugh to the side where he had fallen trying to dodge Chngbin’s swing. Watching his face dissolve into pure joy was like watching a flower bloom in Spring; worth the work and the wait. 

With another yell of exasperation, Changbin threw off his blanket and began to chase us both out of the room, through the gaming area, and back up the stairs. Chris and I were screaming with laughter the whole way up until we collapsed on a couch upstairs in a fit of giggles. Changbin had given up, saying ‘you’re lucky I don’t do cardio’ and took the cup of coffee Minho was handing to him. Minho was shaking his head at the two of us with a small smile, and I felt a pang on my heartstrings. I hadn’t forgotten what I had said last night, but it seemed he took it very well and was on the way to accomplishing his goal. Seeing him watch me and Chris didn’t extract that feeling of guilt that I thought would rise to the surface. No, instead he appeared as some father figure watching his children pull a prank, enjoying the show. 

When the laughter died down between the two of us, we both looked at each other, still breathing heavily. There was that moment between us, when you know you shouldn’t but you really really want to. I looked down to his lips, trying to pretend that I hadn’t been dreaming about them since I fell asleep. I was staring, I knew it, but I couldn’t help but feel the ghost of them again, just above me, aching to touch them…

“Who wants to go shopping in town? You know, get some beach stuff and take a group trip down to the water?” Felix, ever the savior. A bunch of them grumbled agreements. I joined in, still watching Chris watching me. 

“Lixie, I think that’s a great idea.” 

“Me too.” Chris echoed me. 

“You guys go ahead and do your shopping, I’m just going to head straight to the sand and pick out the best spot.” 

“I’ll go with you, Seungmin.” Minho piped up from the sink, washing everyone’s cups. 

“Well, I’m going shopping. And so are you Jeongin.” Hyunjin gave a look to the youngest, who widened his eyes and threw up his hands. 

“Well, I’m going with Minho and Seungmin.” Han proclaimed. “I need to work on my tan. I’m so pale right now, I look like a ghost. Hey! Maybe we could go see a haunted house tonight! That would be fun!” Everyone looked at him in surprise, shocked that he would be the one to suggest such a thing. “What?! I just think it would be funny to see everyone scared shitless.”

“I don’t get scared.” Minho said with a brave enough face, I almost believed him.

“Oh please.” I breathed a sigh. “Tell that to your favorite pair of shorts from high school!”

“Hey! You said you would never bring that up again!” He shouted over the kitchen island, fighting a smile. I wasn’t fighting mine and shrugged. 

“What? What happened?” Han eagerly looked my way. Minho leveled a look at me. 

“Don't. You. Dare.” My lips caved into my mouth, fighting the urge. I was almost going to do it until Hyunin called from the doorway. 

“Van leaves in five minutes! If you’re not in it, you’re being left behind!”

**

Hyunjin pulled into a huge shop with shirts with the name of the town in big bold letters on mannequins in the windows. The inside was just as big as the outside with shirts, bottoms, shoes, spare swimsuits, and pool toys scattered everywhere for purchase. We all drifted apart, each going to the sections that sparked our interest. I floated over to the souvenirs shelf that was ladened with shot glasses, car magnets, and keychains. I wandered over to the tower with all of the keychains with every kind of phrase I could think of and got an idea. I sifted through each of them, finding ones that fit each member of my family. Some sort of keychain that had the name of this town on it in the different designs on it that fit with everyone’s personalities, except for one. 

I had watched a movie recently that I was stealing this idea from. And when I found the keychain for Chris that I was looking for, I snatched it up. When I had everything I wanted from this section, I peeked my head up to see where my friends were. Jeongin was easiest to spot in the pool toys section, so I wandered over to see what he was looking at. He had found the box of pool noodles and was picking out which one he wanted to take with him. 

“I like the pink but I think Changbin might steal it once I bring it with us.”

“Why don’t we get one for everyone? And then just start a pool noodle fight?” His eyes lit up and he smiled wide. 

“Yes! I’ll buy them all one!” I chuckled and walked away, watching him try and put nine total pool noodles in his arms and start for the registers up in the front.

I found Chris near the t-shirts. He was shuffling through the black ones and I tried my best to sneak up on him, but he caught me before I could get too close. 

“Do I wear too much black?” It was directed at me, and the answer flew out of my mouth before I could put too much thought behind it. 

“Absolutely.” He frowned and shifted to the brighter colors on the rack behind him. “I think the light blue would look good.” He stopped to look at it closer, and picked it up off the rack to hold it up to his torso. He looked up to me, asking my opinion. “Good enough to steal.” He chuckled.

“Why don’t you get one too and we can match.” His ears turned bright red, followed quickly by his cheeks. “Or not. That sounds pretty lame, doesn’t it.” 

“No, actually. But I’m still stealing yours.” I grabbed one in my size and gave him a quick smirk as I followed Jeongin up to the register

Back in the van, Chris found himself in the back seat with me, giving Felix and Hyunjin the front seats and Jeongin had the middle all to himself. Sifting through our bags before we left to ensure we had everything, Hyunjin was off back to the house to get changed and join the others down by the beach. 

Chris had nudged his way into the seat directly beside me and placed his hand on the seat next to my thigh. 

“So, is today going better than yesterday?” He asked the window facing away from me. Too casually. I didn’t answer. I just took his pinky and wrapped it around my own, and smiled at him. I was noticing I was doing that a lot more now. 

*

Beach day with the boys was ending with movie night with the boys. They piled on top of each other, blankets everywhere and pillows on the floor made a very comfortable place to lay down. It was a nice final night for us all. It was intermittent with moments where I felt like we truly were a family, so close knit that it was hard to imagine my life without seeing them every day. 

We were all spread out, myself, Felix, Hyunjin, Han, and Seungmin on the floor with Minho, Chris, Changbin, and Jeongin on the couch behind us. I was sitting between Jeongin’s legs on the floor in front of him while everyone else settled for their own spaces on blankets. 

Once the movie ended, half the boys were snoring in their spots and heads were lolled out the side. I looked around and saw that most of them had passed out and decided that the night was best ended in my own room. Chris caught my eye as he had drawn the same conclusion. We locked eyes from across the room and he tilted his head in the direction of the stairs. I nodded. 

I followed him down to his own room, his keychain in my pocket that I had just bought earlier weighing in my pocket. Each step had me giddier than the last. I was more sure of myself since the last time I had descended down these stairs, more confident in my next moves. His back was moving through his sleep shirt, the movements making me want to jump on it piggyback style. 

We entered his room, dimly lit by a single lamp on the opposite side of the room. His room was smaller than mine, set with a simple bed and dresser about kids’ height and the closet doors pulled shut. I sat on the bed, my hands in the pockets of my pajama shorts and making sure the chain was still there. 

Chris shut the door behind him and turned to see me sitting on the bed. He looked nervous and started fidgeting with my fingers until he sat on the floor directly in front of me. 

“Why are you sitting on the floor?”

“I don’t know.” He laughed at himself. “I’m scared of making any sudden movements because I’m scared you’ll leave.” 

“And what if I told you I didn’t want to leave? What if I said that I wanted to spend the night with you down here in this tiny child’s bed?” His mouth fell open to speak but he said nothing. Instead he just smiled. “I got something for you today. While we were out shopping.” 

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah. But for you to get it, I need something from you first.”

“I’m not sure how I feel about gifts with caveats.” He looked at me skeptically, not moving from his place on the floor.

“Haha, very funny. Wasn’t there something you wanted to ask me on this trip? Something important?” He sat there, his brows furrowed for a minute. Then it dawned on him. 

“Are you saying you have an answer?”

“The answer to that question and the question I’m searching for can both be found with this.” I pulled the chain out of my pocket and let it dangle so he could read the word ‘Yes’ written on a seascape background. He watched it and squinted so he could read it. Then his eyes grew wide.

“Really?” He asked quietly, like he couldn’t believe it. I didn’t answer, just looked into his beautiful eyes and smiled. He stared at me for a moment, features frozen in a mix of elation, fear, and something else. “I really want to kiss you right now.”

“If you don’t, I’m leaving.” 

He did. 

All night long.

*

The drive back home was as quick as the drive there. We all piled in the same cars we drove up in, Chris and I sneaking each other stupid grins that I was sure the others had to have picked up on. We all decided to meet back at the bar so that everyone could leave at the same time in their own vehicles. Chris and I promised that we would tell Minho together after we had our first date, at which we would be discussing far more things in greater detail. But first, I just wanted to reset myself in my own room back home. 

I pulled my car into the parking lot that I was so familiar with, it was like pulling into my own driveway. Until Chris and I spotted, exactly at the same time, what lay waiting for us upon our return. 

Minho was already standing outside his car while the others stood just behind him, watching and staring. I couldn’t see his face or theirs. Their parked cars were behind them, still running, like they had barely put them into park before they rushed to see what had happened.

There was glass everywhere. I could spot the broken seats and tables from out here, the sun giving enough light to see it all. I threw the car in park and ran to get a closer look for myself, Chris hot on my tail. We both were stepping on glass as we went inside. 

It reeked of alcohol. Like the damage done was fresh. It was like someone had taken a giant hammer to everything within reach. The walls were torn up, pieces of glass broken were everywhere, and left up for everyone to see, were these words written in spray paint behind the bar.

COUNT YOUR DAYS

[softxsuki]

Hello darling 🥰

Could I request a letter for your Valentines Day Letter Event? I’d like one with Jae-Ha x Fem!Reader please. I’d like if he called me either darling or sweetheart in the letter!

Relationshio Status: We’re in an established relationship for a few years and the Fem!Reader is currently pregnant with their first child 🥺

Tone/Genre: I really want this to be like one of those letters that you'd receive in the old west or during times of war. You know? Where you've been separated for song long and you've waited to hear from your love for months and you finally get a letter from the post office. That kind of tone. Just love, affection, yearning to be together again, tears of joy and sadness, hoping that they'll come home soon, telling them all the things they done and seen, missing them terribly. All the feels.

Location: Not in the current era, but like in the Akayona era where there are no cellphones or electronic commincation. He could be out fighting along with the other dragons or anything else that could be separating them for a length of time.

Other Info: We're both 27. Fem!Reader is a prettt strong woman and she knew that these separations would be part of the deal, but it still hurts her. She just wants him to be safe and come back home to her. She's especially over emotional now with the baby on the way. She loves flowers and he would make them for her when they were together.

Thank you 💚

Jae-ha's Longing Letter To His Pregnant Wife

Valentine's Day Letter Event Pt.2 Masterlist (CLOSED)

Pairing: Jae-ha x Fem!Reader

Warnings: missing someone, crying

Genre: Minor angst, Fluff

Post-Type: Letter

Word Count: 1k

Summary: In which you receive a letter from your husband after not hearing from him in weeks

[A/N: Hellooooooo <3 I wanna thank you for being so patient with me, you're really so lovely. I hope you had a wonderful Valentine's Day! Hopefully you enjoy this!]

Weeks. 

It had been weeks of you waiting to hear back from your husband, Jae-ha. He was out with the other dragons, fighting to make sure you and your new family have a safe world to live in together.

You touch your baby bump, you were still fairly early in your pregnancy, but the hormones were making you very emotional already. You always thought the worst and you had to stop yourself each time you wanted to run from your home to go out and look for him. You promised.

Before he left, which was a few days after you shared the exciting news of your pregnancy with him after seeing the village doctor due to health concerns. You never thought you’d be a mother, nor did Jae-ha think he would ever be a father–at least not before he met you. Yet now all those impossibilities were becoming possible, and it was all thanks to you. 

You had made a promise that you’d stay home where it was safe; that you’d keep you and your future child healthy and at home where nothing could hurt you. You knew better than to put yourself at risk by going out and accidentally running into bandits. Who knows what they’d possibly do to you, especially if they found out you were pregnant. You shudder at the thought.

Thankfully, you’re taken out of your disturbing thoughts by a knock at your door.

“Delivery,” the person says.

You make your way to the door, recognizing the voice of the mail carrier. You had been watching for him everyday, always asking if he had anything new for you, but the answer was always no. Not a word from Jae-ha. But today, things seemed hopeful.

“Is it a letter?” You ask him hopefully, praying for it to be a sign, or anything at all from your husband.

“I think it may be what you’ve been waiting for lady. I hope it is,” the older man winks, passing you the wrapped paper and carrying on to deliver his other packages and letters.

You thank the man and close the door before taking a seat in your kitchen, instantly recognizing the handwriting on the top of the letter. It was Jae-ha;

My Darling Wife,

Ahh, I’ll never get used to calling you that. My wife, my lovely, beautiful wife. The mother to our incoming child. Has a nice ring to it doesn’t it? I’m sorry for keeping you waiting for so long, sweetheart. Things were pretty active for the past few weeks here. It was too risky to send anything to you.

I assure you though, I am okay. We all are. A few scratches here and there, but nothing major. How are you darling? Is our child treating you well? I’ve missed you dearly out here, but as much as I would love to have you here with me, I can’t risk putting you in danger. 

At night I sleep under the stars and hope that the ones I see are the ones you can see as well. I wonder if we are ever looking at the moon at the same time or if our dreams have ever crossed paths, desperate to see one another again. I miss waking up beside you, feeling your warmth in my arms…I can’t wait to be back home with you.

Aside from these hectic few weeks, things have been great. The nice part of being out here is that we’ve been to so many new villages and met all kinds of people. Yoon has his own little collection of books now; the kid is really smart, he’s helped us out a lot. The other guys are the same as always, they told me to let you know that they’re thinking of you and wish you well. 

They can’t believe I’m going to be a father though. Darling, you need to show them your bump when we get back. Then they’ll have to believe it. 

Ahh~ your bump. You’re probably showing a lot more compared to when I last saw you. I feel bad for missing out on the stages of your pregnancy…I’m sorry. 

Thankfully though, things are going well now. We should be heading back home in another week or so. It’s still too long though, just writing this makes me crave you even more.

I love you so much, please keep waiting for me. I’ll send another letter as soon as I can. See you soon, darling.

Your Loving Husband.

Jae-ha <3

PS: We passed through a lovely field today full of flowers. They reminded me of you. I know how much you loved the flowers I’d collect for you, so I picked a few up. They’ll probably be withered by the time I see you again, but I still want you to see them.xx

You can’t stop the sobs that escape your lips, crying even harder as one of your tears smear one of his words. Knowing he was out there fighting who knows who and could potentially never return after getting killed, hurt so much. Especially now with your child on the way.

You were crying in relief as well though. He was okay and things were looking better now. He’d be back in your arms in another week or so. You could do this.

Taking deep breaths, you close your eyes and imagine your husband in your mind. His cheeky smile, his long green hair, his shining violet eyes, the love he’d pour over you all the time. You were his queen and he was your king–a perfect match. Gosh you missed him, but you could do this.

Worrying too much wasn’t good for the baby, and you wanted to ensure your child arrived safely into this world. Only a few more days and you’d see him again. 

It would be hard, but you were a tough woman, you were tough enough to handle the beast that Jae-ha was, you could handle this too. 

You fold his letter and hold it close to your chest, almost wishing you could absorb his words for strength.

“I love you,” you whisper to the wind, hoping it would reach him.

REGULAR REQUESTS ARE OPEN :D

EVENT REQUESTS ARE CLOSED

Posted: 2/14/2023

[beetlejuce]

1-3 and 5 for the music ask! If you’ve already answered them, feel free to choose something else.

1. What is your favourite song of all time?

God, I’m never able to answer this question because there’s so many amazing songs out there. I will say, the first that came to mind are Grace by Jeff Buckley and Weird Fishes / Arpeggi by Radiohead. There’s probably some others that I’m forgetting!

2. What is your go-to karaoke song?

I… don’t do karaoke, I’m too socially anxious for that. It’s weird, I think I have a decent voice but the times I have done karaoke, the way the microphone picks up my voice always makes it sound weird? Or maybe I’m not used to it. Or maybe I just suck 😆

3. If you were to get lyrics tattooed on you, which would would they be?

One of my favourite Nothing But Thieves lyrics is from a song called Graveyard Whistling, “If you don’t believe, it can’t hurt you”. The ex-catholic guilt is STRONG here for me, and that song holds lots of personal meaning for other reasons. Or maybe just any line from Grace as mentioned in #1.

I’d also love to get a Foals-inspired tattoo someday, while it is one of their most known songs, Spanish Sahara is also really special to me for very personal reasons. I especially like the line “It’s future rust and it’s future dust”.

5. Is there a song that always makes you cry no matter what? What is it?

I know I keep answering the same 3-4 artists, but I have to say Dreaming Of by Foals. It’s one of my favourite songs by them ever, but I have to skip it sometimes when I listen to ENSWBL Part II because it genuinely makes me sad. The lyrics remind me so much of my (nonexistent) relationship with my sister, and the horrible way she’d betrayed me last year. I just wanna thank Yannis/Foals for writing that one, while it does make me cry almost every time I listen to it, it has helped me heal those emotional wounds. I could go on all day analysing each line and how they hit me like a truck but I’ll stop now LMAO.

Thank you Tracy! 🩷

Send me a number 1-30 for this ask game!

[imwriting0verhere]

Love Again

Chapter 6

Keep lying, keep lying to me Just keep lying, keep lying to me Don't go fucking with my fantasy Keep lying to me

Feed me your fiction Give me just one taste to sustain this addiction Blissful affliction I'll swallow your poison 'til it runs through my veins Fills my heart with deception Twists my perception

Baby I've known lonely So let me down now slowly You know me Tell me I'm your only Even if it hurts

Keep lying, keep lying to me Just keep lying, keep lying to me Don't go fucking with my fantasy Keep lying to me

Tell me a story Let's make believe If you're lying, I'll listen Say it through your teeth Make me a prison and throw away the key 'Cause I know what I'm missing is better than nothing

Baby I've known lonely So let me down now slowly You know me Tell me I'm your only Tell me I'm your only, no

Baby I've known lonely, yeah Let me down now slowly You owe me Tell me I'm your only Even if it hurts

Keep lying, keep lying to me Just keep lying, keep lying to me Don't go fucking with my fantasy Keep lying to me

Keep lying, keep lying to me Just keep lying, keep lying to me, oh Don't go fucking with my fantasy Keep lying to me, oh (keep lying)

'Cause baby I've known lonely, yeah Let me down now slowly (keep lying) And tell me I'm your only Even if it hurts

As the last notes of our final song ring through the room I look out into the crowd again. With the biggest smile on my face I speak into the microphone again “Thank you all so much for being here tonight. Amsterdam, what an incredible first show!” I blow a kiss and wave at the screaming crowd before exiting the stage and waiting for my girls to follow.

I am overwhelmed and so full of adrenaline, I feel like I could go right back out there and play for another hour. I turn towards my band as they have made their way backstage now as well and immediately start screaming and pulling them all into a big group hug.

“We did it, we just played a fantastic first show!” I say elated. We’re all jumping up and down and doing happy dances, I can see it in their faces too, the joy and adrenaline of the night.

“Yes, we did babes!” Kelley shouts and pulls me into another side hug, impossible to contain her excitement.

“I love you guys so much, I’m so grateful to have you on this journey with me” I tell them after a few moments. The emotions taking over me. “Alright, Y/N is already getting soppy on us. Let’s go to the green room and have a proper celebration or else there will be tears soon” Donna cackles and starts to stir me into the direction of the green room where our manager as well as part of our team and some friends are waiting for us to celebrate an incredible opening night.

“Okay okay I won’t start crying just yet. I’m way too happy right now” I laugh at her and put my arm around her waist, until we reach our destination and I open the door, the other girls right behind us. As soon as we enter the room we get pulled into more hugs and congratulatory affections. Glasses of sparkling wine are being passed around the group and very quickly the room fills with chatter and laughter and it’s such a warm and wonderful atmosphere.

The night went on and before we know it, we’re back on the tour bus on our way to the next location. Kelley, Margot and Jasmin have made their way into the bunk beds about an hour ago. It is now 2am and I’m still sat on the little sofa on the bus, Donna next to me as we’re both snuggled under a blanket.

Donna was the first person I ever really told about my dream of being a musician. I met her in high school and we became fast friends as we both loved writing songs and creating melodies. Over the years she had stuck to playing the drums, whereas I preferred the guitar and piano. As soon as the idea of forming my own band had nestled itself inside my head, I knew she would have to be a part of it. And she instantly accepted and was my main counterpart of the group. That was followed by Margot our violinist and keyboard/beat player, Jasmin our bassist and Donna’s younger sister Kelley who plays main guitar.

She yawns next to me and I can feel her sitting up slowly. ”Ugh, alright my love, I’m gonna go lie down now” she groans in a sleepy voice and stands up from the couch. “You coming?”

“Not yet, uhm, I still have to make a phone call…Or I might just make it a text. I don’t know yet” I smile at her tiredly.

“Okay but don’t be too long, we need you in excellent condition tomorrow” she winks at me and blows me a kiss before she disappears up the stairs to get to her bed.

I let out a sigh and stretch my legs out all the way onto the seat Donna has just occupied. I think back to the events of the night again and cherish this happy feeling that has settled in my chest ever since I first stepped foot on stage tonight.

With that feeling, I grab my phone and open my recent caller list. Seeing Sam’s name right at the top.

I kept thinking back to what happened earlier on the bus, right before he called me. And to be honest. Sam has been on my mind all day since then. I long to talk to him and so I don’t even hesitate to press his number and hold the phone to my ear.

I get hopeless the longer it rings, and once his voicemail gets activated I end the call frustrated and just stare at my phone.

“Okay, a text message it is then” I say to myself and go to open our text chain.

Hey, I just wanted to let you know tonight went really well and we’re back on the bus now on our way to Brussels. I’m sorry we couldn’t talk properly earlier. Give me a call later and you can tell me what you meant to say earlier? I hope you’re well Sam. Good night x  

Getting up from the sofa now as well, I take my phone and make my way up the stairs and into the small bathroom to get ready for bed. As I finally lie down in bed I check my phone and scroll on social media for another 10 to 15 minutes. As I put my phone down and close my eyes to let sleep take over, my last thought is on Sam. And that I hope to see a text from him or get a call first thing in the morning so we can talk and start on a positive note after these last few weeks of silence.