#life advice from bildaddy

[bil-daddy]

I don't suppose you have any advice on how to beat insomnia do you? You seem like a nice, upright fella. Maybe you can help. I stay up all night looking at Good Omens stuff on Tumblr. It's a problem. Sort of.

I'm going to overlook you calling me a four letter word (n-i-c-e), and still try to help you, anon.

There's lots of advice for beating insomnia; turning off screens an hour before bed, not consuming any caffeine after 3pm, taking melatonin, doing at least thirty minutes of exercise then relaxing with a shower. But you've probably already heard all that before, and likely tried at least some of it.

So here's what I'll recommend. If Good Omens is keeping you up, then let Good Omens put you to sleep.

Put away your phone/ tablet/ computer, turn out the lights, and lie in bed thinking about Good Omens. Only Good Omens. Do not let your mind wander. If you start to think about anything else, get your thoughts back on the Good Omens track.

Close your eyes and start visualizing/retelling yourself the plot, scene by scene, in order. Or the plot of your favorite fic. (You could also plot your own fic, but that's more likely to keep you up writing all night.) If you get distracted or lost, start over from the beginning. (Which in this case is the Beginning with a Capital B)

The objective is to focus linearly on the plot, blocking out all other thoughts, until you fall asleep. It's like counting sheep (or goats), except more tailored (or cobblered) to your interest. Interesting enough you can focus on it, but not exciting or new to keep you awake.

It works for me (sometimes) Can't promise it'll work for you, but give it a try if you like. Hope it helps.

And, of course, have an ox rib (platonic) (just don't eat it right before bed)

[bil-daddy]

Mr bildad the shuhite, I need some advice. What do I do when that familiar overwhelming sadness washes over me? Ive been feeling horribly depressed lately, even though I have no real reason to be. I do talk to my friends abt this, but I dont want to talk abt my mental state ONLY and drive them away, so I refrain from talking abt it too much even tho it feels like it will drown me, because I am too afraid of seeming clingy.

Its been getting worse lately, and all I can do is distract myself from it. Ive been excessively sleeping just to not.. feel. I dont know what to do, nor do I know how to not feel this way

I made myself a nice breakfast, and it felt good. And then the feeling came back, like a drip drip drip from the leaking faucet of my mental health I cant control. I am scared. I am so scared

Sorry if this ask wasnt what u were expecting, or if u cant help me either, thats completely fine. I just needed to share somehow how scared I am. Of myself, what I feel I dont know

I dont know. I just dont know

Best wishes,

Anon❤️

*shows up one month late carrying six shots of espresso in a big cup to answer this ask*

It's taken me a while to respond to this because 1) I've been going through a bit of the same thing myself and 2) I haven't figured out a solution yet.

I do have some ideas, though.

You were on the right track, making yourself a nice breakfast. Little things like that make a bigger difference than you think. In fact, I think we should all try to live in the little moments as much as we can. Sometimes, when you're feeling depressed but can't point at a reason in your own life, it's because you're reacting to large scale problems that, while very real, are out of your control--and you know this, and so you feel depressed and scared because there's nothing you can do.

But there is something you can do.

Do at least one thing nice for yourself everyday as part, even if it's something really small. Especially something really small. Listen to your favourite song. Eat a piece of chocolate, just because. Play with a pet, if you have one.

And, if you're up to it, do at least one nice thing for someone else, too. Help your parents with the chores. Call a grandparent and brighten their day. Send a kind message to a friend.

Because you should keep on talking to your friends. The right friends will be honoured you've opened up to them. Listen to your friends, too. They might be going through things to, and being a comfort to them might in turn make you feel better, as well. Being part of a community, even if it's just a small group of friends--or even a group of two--can really help. Having you a sense of purpose, belonging, and importance is part of what makes people people.

Sleeping a lot isn't necessarily bad. Ive done that myself (for totally normal amounts of time, definitly not entire century or anything) Sometimes, your body and your mind just needs the rest. But if you feel like you're sleeping too much, then you probably need something exciting to be awake for.

It might be time to try out a new hobby, start a new TV show or book, take a class, or set a new goal that you can work towards a little bit every day. The mind craves new experiences and challenges. If everything's been the same for a while, depression can set in simply due to boredom.

However, there could just as easily be other causes, which are worth looking into with a therapist and a psychiatrist, if you want to try the medical route--and it is worth a try with persistent depression.

It sounds to me like you also have some anxiety about having depression, since it scares you (and rightfully so, it is scary) that you can feel it coming on and that you can't control it. For that, in addition to what I've already mentioned above, I'd suggest thinking about it differently. Instead of leaking faucet you're desperately trying to shut off, let yourself feel whatever emotions you're feeling*

(*safely and within reason--don't harm yourself or others)

Cry, scream, punch a pillow. Let it out.

Sometimes, the sadness we fear feeling ends up not being as bad as the fear of it. You might feel relieved, once you're no longer bottling everything up and sleeping/distracting yourself to avoid feeling sad. As cliche as a it is, the only way out is through.

Have an ox rib (platonic) for the journey. You can do it.

[bil-daddy]

Bilfather I like a guy. I don’t want to like this guy. He lives a distance away from me and I’m terrified of ruining our friendship, because our friendship is really great!! And if that’s ruined then it would be so easy to never speak again and I can’t risk that. I thought I could wait for the feelings to go away but it’s been 5 months now and they haven’t. Any advice? Have an emoji goat as thanks -> 🐐

Got a question for you, kid. If your feelings haven't gone away in five months, what makes you think it'll be so easy to never speak again? It's more difficult than you imagine, cutting somebody you care about off, even if they're just a notification on a screen.

How far away is this guy, anyway? Is he in the next town or in the next country? Have you two ever met in person? Are you able to do in-person hangouts? Even if just once every few months? My advice somewhat depends a bit on if you guys can ever meet up or not.

If you can, I'd take a chance and see if he feels the same way. Long distance is hard, but it's doable if both people are committed. And even if it doesn't work out in the end, at least you'll have tried, and you won't have to look back and regret not trying. And if he doesn't feel the same way, it will be easier to continue being just friends when you don't see each other in person all that often.

If you can't meet up any time soon (sometime this year), I'd recommend keeping your feelings to yourself for now, whether or not they end up going away.

Having a crush doesn't have to ruin a friendship. Instead of trying to get rid of your feelings because you don't want to like this guy, accept that you like him and settle into those feelings. It's okay to like someone even if you don't ever end up doing anything about it.

And liking someone doesn't mean you're stuck with that person only, one-sided or not. A crush isn't a relationship or a commitment. You're still free to develop crushes on others, and explore possibilities with people nearby. You might meet someone closer to you and eventually feel strongly enough for them that your crush on this guy fades. And if that happens, you have done absolutely nothing wrong.

Hope this helps, kid. And thanks for the goat. The @shutanictemple appreciates the donation. Have an ox rib (platonic)

[bil-daddy]

bil-daddy (platonic) i jus confessed to my crush and i need sum supportive words cause im really scared

I dunno if I'm the right person to go to for this (*flashbacks to when I first confessed to my crush and the worst they could say wasn't no*) but I'll do my best, kid (human)

Let me start off by saying it's going to be okay.

No matter what your crush says, it's going to be okay. (Even if they say "I forgive you" it's going to be okay)

Maybe they like you back. Maybe they don't. Maybe they're not sure and want to go on a date and see where it goes.

Whatever the outcome is, it's going to be okay.

You're going to be okay.

If your crush likes you, great! Start slow, build on what you already have--I'm making the assumption that you are already friends--but if you're not, get to know them as a friend and a person, as well as love interest, and figure out what being together means to the two of you. It's different for every couple (and relationship that includes more than two people).

It's tempting to wanna jump in headfirst to full blown relationship, but pace yourself. Aziraphale always reminds me not to go too fast and he's right. Go too fast, you might crash and burn. But go slow and steady, and you'll have a strong foundation for a healthy relationship.

Now, if your crush doesn't like you back, I'm really sorry. That seriously hurts, and it'll hurt for a while. It'll be awkward for a while, too. You'll probably have to take a step back from the friendship for both your comforts, and that's fine and normal. Maybe things will eventually go back to the way they were, but maybe they won't. And if they don't, it's alright to mourn the friendship you once had along with the relationship you never did.

It will take time, but you will pick up and pieces, put yourself back together, and move on. You'll find a new crush--or someone else might even confess a crush they have on you, and you'll have to decide if you're into them or not. And it's okay if you're not.

But whatever happens, you're going to be okay. I repeat, you're going to be okay. So take a deep breath, drink a glass of water, and have an ox rib (platonic)

Good luck!

[bil-daddy]

Hi Bildad. I know this isn't at all what your Tumblr is for, but I don't have anyone IRL to talk to about this, and my husband reads AITA. If you want to just leave this in your inbox unanswered, that is ok.

Today during an argument, my husband told me that he has not been attracted to me since we got married (20 years ago!) Around that time I started on antidepressants and they caused me to gain some weight and then I gained some more weight. Currently I am 5'6" and 190lbs.

He has hinted at this a couple times over the course of our marriage and frequently turns me down for sex (one time we went a whole year without any sexual activity). He said that he has never been completely honest about this before because it would hurt my "fragile ego" and send me into an "emotional spiral".

When we were first married, he was in good shape, but about ten years ago, he started putting on weight, too. He is currently 6'0" and 260lbs. He says that he knows that it's not fair, but he's just being honest about how he feels.

Currently I'm considering getting bariatric surgery, vs trying to do my best to diet and exercise while working full time and raising three kids with him, vs calling it quits and trying to find someone who likes my body the way it is. I have a fairly high sex drive and I'm feeling very frustrated.

Again, sorry for venting here. Not something I'd be willing to admit to family or friends but just needed to get it off my chest and this seems like a safe space.

Hi, anon. Sorry you're going through this.

Now, to paraphrase AITA (and r/relationship_advice, and r/relationships) You don't have a weight problem. You have a husband problem.

It shouldn't take a midwife to know that bodies change after giving birth and it seems you've done that three times. And that's not even getting into the normal weight gain that comes with aging. Nobody looks the same as they looked 20 years ago (well, unless you're an immortal being--which I am definitely not by the way, 100% totally human shoemaker obstetrician right here)

Your husband knows this. He's aged and gained weight, too. And not to get all Freudian, but I'm betting his criticisms of you are actually projection of how he feels about himself. (Especially the "fragile ego" and "emotional spiral" part. Such classic projection it might as well be an old silent film.)

He probably didn't mean what he said about not being attracted to you for your entire twenty-year marriage, if you two were arguing when he said it. It was just something he knew he could say to hurt you in the moment.

That's not an excuse, by the way. Every relationship is gonna have fights (don't ask me how I know), but you shouldn't be fighting dirty against the person you love. Fuck nasty, sure. But not fight dirty.

Speaking of which, sex drives often wax and wane over the course of lifetimes, and relationships, and a group of two's respective shifts don't always line up. Still, if there's an ongoing mismatch then the couple should do their best to figure out a compromise that works for both of them.

Is your husband doing this?

Is he doing half the childcare so you have the free time to exercise?And relax, too, because you won't have the energy to exercise if you're too tired from work and childcare.

Is he doing half the grocery shopping, meal planning, and cooking so your whole family can eat a healthy diet?

Is he trying to get back into shape and lose weight himself?

And finally, the hard (pun intended) one--is he cutting back on "pornography!" (to quote Sandalphon) so he can direct the majority of his sexual energy towards you? Has he checked with a doctor about his testosterone levels? Blood flow?

You don't have to tell me, but the answers to these questions might tell you whether your husband is putting enough effort into your marriage to make it worth saving, versus calling it quits and finding someone who will appreciate your body the way it is--and there are many people who will (just ask @mrazfellco about my obsession with his belly and thick thighs)

But the most important person who needs to appreciate your body the way it is isn't your husband or a hypothetical post-divorce boyfriend. The most important person who needs to appreciate your body is you.

And so you need to do whatever it is that will make you feel good about yourself. That might be diet and exercise. That might be bariatric surgery. That might just be losing 260 pounds of husband.

But whatever it is, it needs to be for you.

Hope this helps.

Good luck to you, and have an ox rib (platonic)

[bil-daddy]

Who made the first move? You or Mr. Fell?

I have this guy I really like and I want to make the first move to ask him out but I’m so nervous 😬

Dunno...we both sorta just dropped hints at each other, never really picking up on them, until the whole ox rib (not platonic) thing where we went from zero to 69 (and 'nice' doesn't even begin to describe it)

So if you wanna make a move, be direct. He might like you back or he might not, but you'll never know if he doesn't realize you're flirting with him.

Good luck.

[bil-daddy]

ive recently been talking to a guy that i used to have a crush on and i think I'm starting to like him again but its different this time and i don't know how to say it but grgrgahgrhhgfsh any advice mr bildad

Same anon?

Either way, my advice is the same. Take it slow. And take it slow doesn't just mean not going to fast with your crush, as in, making a dramatic confession in the hopes of going from friends to instant marriage, skipping all the steps in between (we all know how that works out). Take it slow also means take it slow with yourself.

If you're the same anon as before (sorry for not answering until now, by the way), then you already know that crushes come and go...and come back again. So you don't want to go all in on a feeling you may or may not have a month from now.

Instead, keep hanging out with your crush, getting to know him (and him, you), and see how your feelings develop. See how his feelings develop too. Does he seem like he's got a crush too? Or is he giving off a (platonic) vibe? The more you get to know him, the more you'll be able to sense how he's feeling, as well as get a better sense of your own feelings.

If in a month or two, you both have a crush on each other, you two might decide to try dating and see how it goes. Do some date type activities without committing to a full-blown relationship just yet. If it feels right, these will eventually evolve into a relationship when the time is right.

Good luck, anon. And have an ox rib (platonic) for you and your not-so platonic friend/crush

[bil-daddy]

Mr Bildad? I have a serious question.

I met this girl, and she's wonderful. She's extremely kind and she is beautiful. I think I'm falling for her. She let me tell her about the stars.

But I'm scared to love again. My last true relationship left me destroyed, and I'm still trying to recover from it. She did unspeakable things to me, and even 2 years later, the mental wounds have still not fully healed.

I want more than anything to be with her. When it comes to love, I love strong and passionately. I make my love for the other person well known. I'm scared for my love being taken advantage of again.

Mr. Bildad...do you or Mr. Fell have any advice? I'm willing to take anything.

@mrazfellco

Being scared to love again's only naturel after a traumatic experience, but thing about falling in love is...well, you don't really get to choose not to do it. It just happens whether you like it or not.

Sure, you can ignore it and avoid the person until it goes away--and sometimes that might be the best option, depending on the circumstances. But sometimes it isn't. And sometimes it is, but you don't want to.

I don't think you want to.

I think you want to fall in love with this girl. In fact, I think it's already happening. And if she's wonderful and extremely kind, she probably won't hurt you like the last girl did. Though you can never know for sure before going in.

But that doesn't mean you shouldn't go in. You should just go in with your eyes--and your heart--open.

Be on the lookout for red flags, but also don't hold what your ex did against this new girl or assume she'll be anything like her. She's her own person, and as you get to know her, you'll figure out whether or not you want to be with her based on who she is.

Aziraphale would probably tell you to take things slow, and I'd agree with him here. (@mrazfellco feel free to chime in with more advice and encouragement)

You've been hurt, and even though it's been two years, some wounds never fully heal and that's normal--trust me, I know, there are things that happened to me two thousand years ago that I don't think I'll ever get over. But, I learned how to keep going, and so will you--you already have, really, even if you haven't noticed how far you've come. And you'll keep getting better as time goes on.

So, take things slow with this new girl. Keep telling her about the stars.

And when you're ready (which might not be for months, but I wouldn't leave it over a year) you can start to tell her what happened to you (if you haven't already), so she knows why you've got your guard up. You don't have to tell her every detail. Just enough to give her some context, since it's had an effect on how you feel about love.

It can be hard to share these kinds of things like that with people, but if you want to give this a real shot, you have to communicate (which totally isn't hypocritical of me to say at all). The right person for you will understand and be sensitive, knowing what you've gone through. And she'll probably have gone through some things herself that she'll open up to you about, and the empathy you show her and vice versa will bring you two closer, help you heal*

(*though it doesn't take the place of a trained therapist. If you're not in therapy already, I'd recommended it--and I'd recommend shopping around until you find one you mesh with, cause that's as important as the therapy itself.)

Hope that helps, @greatsouthernpansy

Well, with all that said, this has been Relationship Advice with Bildaddy, your resident Relationships Expert. Don't hesitate to ask me if you have any other questions about love.

[bil-daddy]

One of my students asked if I had a boyfriend then asked if I had a child.

He made me feel old and lonely within five seconds. Kids can be very weird.

Hey, the kid still thinks you're young enough to have a boyfriend rather than a husband. That counts for something, doesn't it?

But you're right kids (species neutral) are weird. So are adults. That's cause there's no such thing as normal.

There are teenagers with children of their own, and octogenarians without any. There's no one way to live life.

Nothing wrong with being single and looking, or single and not looking, or single and not sure yet. Nothing wrong with not having kids yet, or not having kids ever.

I'd say you shouldn't feel old, but that would imply there's something wrong with being old. There isn't.

Anyway, feeling old's more about being self-aware of time passing and culture treating youth like it's the only time of life when anything matters. So, really feeling old can happen at any age. There are fifteen year olds feeling old right now. All it means is that you're alive and you know it.

That being said, at my age (which is a perfectly ordinary human age by the way, like, I dunno, 69) all you hu--fellow humans seem young to me. So don't worry, you're still young.

As for feeling lonely, you shouldn't feel that way just because of something someone else said (child or adult). But if what your student said made you more aware of something you were already feeling, then you can examine that feeling if you'd like to.

The loneliness might be a longing for a romantic relationship. Or it might be a longing for deeper friendships outside of romance. Or both. And it's okay not to be sure. But whatever it is, it's nothing to be ashamed of.

You can work on finding and building the connections you crave when you're ready, with the understanding that it will take time and that's alright. Something valuable and meaningful doesn't lose it's value and meaning because you got it at 25, or 30, or 50, or 70, or 6,000. Things like that are timeless. (And I happen to know a bit about that--but don't tell anyone.)

Have an ox rib (platonic)

[bil-daddy]

hi mr bildad um im just gonna dump this here since i have no one else to talk to

as someone who has always praised in their ability to be friends with anyone (i also need human interaction to survive btw) ive been feeling very lonely, especially since now are the school holidays.

my best friend (who is one year older than me) is barely online and doesn't take me seriously enough. and when i ask my friend group (with 2 other people my age) if they want to go out nothing happens. ive asked so many times but it's like they just don't want to hang out. and i keep seeing them post everywhere of them having fun with their OTHER friends (i don't know them bc they're from their primary schools; we are in secondary school now). and the obvious solution is to hang out with my primary school friends, right? well awesome news I DONT HAVE ANY.

and like ive just been feeling really really lonely especially today. i don't even text anyone except for my best friend, and even then she doesnt really respond properly because its like i dump a lot of messages and 4 hours later she skims through them, rinse and repeat.

(also side note i used to have another best friend but he ended up having a crush on me and didn't give me space so i kinda ended the friendship bc i wasn't comfortable with it)

during my entire TWO MONTH school holiday i haven't gone out with friends. not even once. while i see everyone else my age having so much fun and enjoying life while i just rot at home scrolling through tumblr.

so yeah im not really having a great time. hopefully when i get back to school in january things will be better

sorry for the long rant

Hey, kid (human). No need to apologize for the long rant. Actually, I've got a lot to say about this topic, too, so take a toilet break, grab a beverage and a snack, then sit down with your deal old Bildaddy (platonic, metaphorical) for a chat.

First off, sorry you're going through this. It hurts a lot when friends start fading away, and you realize they no longer consider you as close and you consider them. Feeling left out and like you don't have any real friends seriously sucks.

But it's actually something every single person goes through at some time or another--though most of us aren't brave enough to admit it like you have, because it feels embarrassing and shameful. Like there's something wrong with you.

There isn't.

There is nothing wrong with you.

Friends come and go, and 99% of the time it has nothing to do with you, or anything you've said or done. It isn't your fault. That doesn't mean it hurts any less, but it isn't your fault.

But that being said, I promise you, for every person you see pictures of having so much fun and enjoying life, there are twenty--probably even more--at home like you, scrolling tumblr, or tiktok, or reddit, or whatever the kids are scrolling these days.

And even those people you see posting pictures, that isn't their everyday life. They post pics of the good times, not the bad ones (well not usually) or the boring ones. Especially not the boring ones. I bet they do more sitting at home and scrolling than you think. They're just not advertising that for all their followers to see.

But that's not the point. The point is (dolphins! goats!) your current friends aren't fulfilling your need for socialization. And that means you need to find some new friends, anon.

You can still stay friends with your best friend and that old friend group. As in, don't send them a message officially ending the friendship, and don't delete and/or block them everywhere. You can still talk to them in school when you see them.

(Do unfollow them on social media if seeing them hang without you is upsetting--or better yet, pause on using social media entirely--except for tumblr, of course--until you're in a better place, mentally and emotionally. Bildaddy deleted instagram five years ago and never went back.)

But starting today, back off on asking these friends to hang out, and sending long text messages to your best friend that she only skims through. They're not matching your energy, so you need to start matching theirs. Either they'll notice the difference and start making more of an effort (no, not that kind), or they won't and they won't. But either way, you'll stop wasting your time.

Next, you take all the energy you were spending on your old friend group and start looking for new friends.

While you're still on winter break, there might not be as many opportunities, but there are some possibilities. Do you have any cousins around your age who might wanna hang out? Or maybe there are local events aimed at teenagers you can attend? Check libraries and community centers. Or on New Year's Eve, there might be some sort of Parents Night Out event you can volunteer for and help babysit a group of little kids, along with other teenagers that you could befriend?

Then, when winter break ends, look around your school for other students who might be in your same situation--and trust me there are others in your same situation. Is there someone who always sits alone at lunch? Or what about that kid in class who's too shy to speak up? Is there someone getting bullied or ostracized? Someone new to the school who hasn't made any friends yet? Look for the ones who might need a friend as much--or even more--than you do and try to befriend them.

It won't always work, no, cause nothing always works. But it will work sometimes. And you only need it to work enough times to make a couple friends. And if you make the right friend, they might have a friend group that you can join.

I know it's really scary to put yourself out there and make the first move. But you'd be surprised how receptive people are, especially the shy ones who are too scared to say 'hi' first, and rely on the braver ones, like you, for the human connection they need. Because we all need it. (Even me. Because I'm totally 100% human.)

Other ways to make friends are clubs, in school and out of school, which is probably what adults will suggest if you ask them, so I'm not going to spend much time on this. But they're right. If you're not already in clubs--academic, sports, art, books, music, anime, whatever your interest(s) is--join some! If there's nothing of interesting at your schools, churches and other local organizations might also have youth clubs and activities, too.

Shared interests in a sure way to make friends. I see it happening all the time on Tumblr. Those mutuals you wish didn't live so far away? Well, you can find mutuals just like them IRL! (Especially if you start or join a book club that reads Good Omens, or a tv show club that watches Good Omens)

Another option is getting a part-time job at a place other teenagers work. If this is something you can do without disrupting your schoolwork, try it. Fast food restaurants, cinemas, places like that.

You say you're someone who has the ability to be friends with anyone? Well, prove it! This isn't a threat, by the way. This is encouragement. I'm encouraging you.

Now go out there and make some friends, kid! I know you can do it! I believe in you, and everybody here is rooting for you.

And, as always, have an ox rib (platonic)

[bil-daddy]

Heard that we could spill the tea abt our love life, so here’s mine:

There’s this girl who I sit next to in maths, and she used to have a crush on me, like she was ABSOLUTELY WHIPPED. Everyone around us was teasing her for having a crush and I was still oblivious.

So it turns out I’m lesbian and have a crush on her too! But she’s been out of school for a while, and when she comes back, she says she’s straight. Rumours are that she was sent to conversion therapy. So I confess to her one day, and she tells me that I’m being “sinful” and all that stuff. So she tells everyone and now I’ve been outed. Her friends constantly harass me about it and she goes along. I don’t think we’re friends anymore, but I still really like her. so yeah

Hi, anon. Sorry that this is happening. To you, and to your crush.

Conversion therapy is abusive and traumatic, and even if she wasn't actually sent there and that was just a rumour, it sounds like her family isn't accepting of her sexuality and is forcing her to deny it. You confessing your feelings to her made her feelings for you more difficult to deny, and so now she's taking it out on you.

It's not right, it's not fair, and it's not your job to tolerate it just because you like her and she likes you. This isn't a healthy situation for either of you, and whatever she's going through--and it seems like she's going through a lot--it doesn't give her an excuse to out you or to start a harassment campaign against you with her friends.

It has to stop.

Now, I'm not going to suggest you tell the bullies to stop or to just ignore them. That never works. Some kind of action will have to be taken to get them to stop.

You know your school and the region you live in better than I do. Would going to the school administration help end the bullying without getting your friend in any more trouble with her parents? Or will going to the adults just make it worse?

Do you have a friend group of your own that can stand up to the harassers? They might back off if it's not all of them against one of you, but rather all of them versus you and all your friends.

How big is the school? Is it big enough to just avoid your crush and her friends? Are they seeking you out deliberately? Or does it just occur when they happen to see you around?

If you have access to your phone, try to get a recording of what they are doing. They might stop just to avoid being the next homophobic karens going viral. Not to mention future employers and universities probably don't want the bad publicity of hiring or admitting people like that. Plus, you'll want to have the evidence in case you do need to go to the school authorities.

At this point, though, I'd advise against trying to talk to your crush directly, online or in person, and avoid being alone with her.

There's nothing you can do to help her right now. As long as she's living with her parents, she will have to deny her sexuality. It's sad, cruel even, but it's the reality. For her own safety, she will have to hide who she is until she can get out.

And for your own safety, you will have to stay away from her.

Years from now, she might reach out to you and apologize for everything that happened. And then you can decide if you want to forgive her, be friends again, maybe even more. But right now, you can't be with her. I'm sorry.

Your crush won't instantly go away. It'll take some time to get over. But focus on getting the harassment to stop, so you can then focus on living your life without this hanging over your head. It won't be easy, but I know you can do it.

Take this ox rib (platonic) for strength. Good luck, kid (human)

And if anyone who's gone through something similar wants to chime in with their own advice and experience, please do (platonic)

[bil-daddy]

Mr. Dad, I’m about to drop out of grad school. It was my dream school, perfectly dark academia and artsy and English. I’m tremendously privileged to have even had the option to go abroad for this program, with the money my parents set aside for my studies, and I’m tremendously privileged to be able to leave this program and have the financial support to keep me going until I find a simple, entry-level job back home. A number of reasons have put me in this situation, my mental and physical health being the main contenders. I feel good about my decision, which quite a feat for someone like me, who has acquired a bad habit over the years to over-question their emotions and logic.

However my parents are taking it hard. They’ve assured me that they’ll support me whatever I decide, but the conversations we’ve been having over the last two weeks make it feel like that’s not the case. I understand their perspective (and have consequently goaded myself to doubt mine often enough). They see this as a wonderful opportunity that I’m walking away from. They feel like the funds they set aside for my education are going to waste. They’re worried I’m going to deeply regret not seeing the last nine months through (granted, it’s only a year long program).

I’m lucky that I have parents who value my education as much as they do and who have helped me so much to get to this point. But now that I’m about to turn in my final essays for the first term, now I’ve put in my first three months, I realize I can’t do this. I just can’t.

I was hoping, being such a midwife and cobbler as you are, you might have a nugget or two of insight to offer this poor, confused fool who has never been courageous enough to disappoint their parents until now, and is really wondering if it’s actually worth all the trouble.

Hey, kid (human, age neutral). Sounds like you're really going through it right now. But with everything you're going through right now, let's take guilt out of it because you have nothing to feel guilty for.

Your health--physical and mental--come first, and if your body is telling you to take a break from school, you're doing the right thing by listening. And it seems you know that, since you feel good about your decision. Hold onto that feeling. Don't let your parents or anyone else change your mind. You know what's best for yourself.

Your parents are upset because they're not experiencing the health and other issues you were going through, so they don't fully understand what led you to make the decision to drop out. And because you were abroad, they weren't even witnessing your struggles either. When you get home and live with them for awhile, they may come to realize that you were not exaggerating your issues and start to understand why you had to leave grad school.

Or they may not. Really depends on what kind of people your parents are. But if they're telling you they will support you whatever you decide, I think they're the kind that will. So take their words at face value and let them support you, while you figure out what your next step is.

Your parents think you will regret not finishing the last nine months of the program, but maybe they should think about it the other way around. It's not like you completed nine months of a twelve-month program, then dropped out three months before graduation.

You left only three months in, which is just a fourth of the program. If this were a job, that would be the probationary period. The time in which you figure out if it's truly right for you or not. And you figured out it wasn't, and got out early before any more time or money was 'wasted.' (Learning experiences are never actually wasted--you learned something from your classes and you learned that this wasn't the right program for you right now.)

Your parents probably have money left over for you to go back to grad school in the future if you feel up to it one day. And I bet you could even get at least some of the credits from your grad program to transfer to another program. The door on grad school isn't closed forever. But it's also fine if you do decide it's not for you and want to take another path.

If this is the first time you've ever had the courage to disappoint your parents, then I think you'll probably be pleasantly surprised and relieved when the result is not as bad in real life as you built it up to be in your head. That might be the most shocking part, actually. Realizing they still love you, even when you don't do everything according to their plan for your life. Realizing it isn't as big of a deal as you imagined it would be. Realizing it's going to be okay.

And it's going to be okay, kid. It really is. I know it's scary right now, but it's going to be okay.

Have an ox rib (platonic)

[bil-daddy]

hi. Same anon who asked if she could info dump about her love life

So I have a crush on this guy I've known for awhile, we've been friends for our entire life and I'm scared to tell him because it could make things awkward and EVERYONE KNOWS (everyone being our parents and siblings) about my crush on him *hyperventilates*

Hey, love life anon. Thanks for spilling the tea (metaphorical) Let's get started (platonic)

If your (hopefully respective) parents and siblings all already know about your crush on your friend, what makes you think he doesn't already know, too? Either by one or more of them telling him, or by picking up on the same signals they are about your crush.

So, I'm guessing he probably has an idea you like him, but hasn't made a move for one of a few reasons:

He doesn't feel the same but doesn't want to make things awkward and possibly lose the friendship

He does feel the same but doesn't want to risk the friendship in case you guys get together now, then break up in the future

He wants to wait until you're both older, to give the relationship a better chance of working out and lasting, if you're still into each other in a few years and want to give things a go

OR

He's completely oblivious, and feels the same

He's completely oblivious and doesn't feel the same

He's completely oblivious, never considered being more than friends, but now that you mention it, would like to try

Now, this list isn't exhaustive. There could be other reasons. But his reasons aren't the only ones that matter. First, you've got to figure out what you want to do.

Lemme ask you a question. How long have you had a crush on your friend? Is this new? Or have you liked him for years?

If it's new, and you think it might be temporary and pass on it's own, then give it a few months before you act.

But if you've liked him for a while, you should probably do something, just so you can move forward whether or not he likes you back.

Either way, start mentally and emotionally preparing yourself for either option, and the different possibilities they entail.

If you tell your friend you like him and want to try being more than friends, what would that look like if he says he feels the same? Since you're friends, you probably already hang out a lot, so what difference--if any--would there be? If he wants to try dating, the two of you can discuss what that means for you both.

But what if he says he wants to stay just friends? What would that look like? Even if you both try, it would be impossible to carry on as if nothing happened--but that's okay. Since you like him, it's already impossible to carry on forever like that. You're just in a pre-confessional liminal space right now.

If he just wants to be friends, you'll probably both have to take a step back from the friendship. Some friendships return to normal after time off, some don't, and some fall somewhere in between.

Same thing if you date, then break up. Some people can go back to being just friends, some can't, and you never know for sure which kind of people you are until it's you and your ex in that situation.

I'm not telling you this to discourage you from confessing your feelings, but just to prepare you so you can be ready for whatever happens. You can also do a little investigating of your own to prepare yourself, as well.

Your parents and siblings have noticed your crush on your friend. They may have also noticed his crush on you--if he has one.

How do you know they know about your crush? Is it because they said something to you about your crush? Maybe teased you about it? If they ever teased you about your crush, was your friend ever around at the time? What was his reaction?

You could try to find out from your siblings and parents, if they've noticed your friend having a crush on you or not. Mutual friends might also have picked up on something, if there is something to pick up on. There might not be. Or he might be better at hiding crushes.

If you can find out in advance how he feels, or at least gather evidence to form a hypothesis, it might help you decide how you want to proceed. Be it, confessing your feelings* or letting the crush pass.

(*And when I say 'confess your feelings', I don't mean a dramatic oscar worthy speech about how long you've been in in love with him. That's for the movies.

What I mean is: "hey, I think I like you as more than a friend, and I want to explore that with you if you're interested" --in your own words, of course, not like a 'healthy relationship communication textbook.)

Anyway, good luck (platonic). Hope it works out for you.

No. I said that wrong. Whatever happens, it will work out for you. One way or another. Sooner or later. Eventually, it will work out for you, whether or not you and your friend end dating.

Have a New Years ox rib (platonic)

[bil-daddy]

Salutations Mr Bildad, Bildad the Shuhite, Bildaddy sir.

I'm so so sorry to bother you, or be a nuisance, but everything is getting on top of me lately and you give excellent advice.

Basically, the last 12-18 months have been awful - I'm acutely aware that in terms of what's happening in the world I'm pretty blessed 🙏🏻 However within around 12 months experiencing; a miscarriage, 4 bereavements, one parent being rushed into hospital, the other needing surgery (both are doing Ok now thank God 🙏🏻), two surgeries of my own within six months - neither of which have improved what they should have, chronic pain, multiple diagnoses - most of which were unexpected & should have been diagnosed a looonnnnggg time ago, reactions to any& all medications, finding out physio will be necessary for the rest of my life, a very upsetting break up, discovering people who were supposed to be friends can't be trusted...... Let's not forget financial issues due to being unable to work as result of illness etc .... I am losing hope that things are ever going to get better 😔

I'm so so sorry for offloading all this on you but work said they could no longer offer counselling which is infuriating because the counsellor was amazing! Sadly she isn't taking on any private patients for several months so we had to discontinue sessions for the foreseeable 😔

I'm so sorry but I don't really have any other people to talk to right now, my fiancé was my best friend so in a sense it's almost a double loss? Sorry this is pretty pathetic 😪

Yikes. And here I thought @blameless-job had it bad.

So, first off, let me tell you how sorry I am for all your losses. Any of which on their own are extremely painful, but all at the same time? Nobody should have to weather a storm like that. I am so proud of you, just for being here. You're incredibly strong for what you're surviving, even though you shouldn't even have to survive it in the first place.

So don't apologize cause there's nothing pathetic about reaching out for help when you're going through something--or multiple somethings, in your case. In fact, it's exactly the thing you need to do. A lot has been dumped onto your plate, so it makes sense you need to offload it.

I know your former counsellor isn't able to help you at the moment, but maybe they can refer you to someone else, because you deserve a professional (in psychology, not shoemaking and obstetrics) to help you through these tragedies. They might be able to get you a referral.

(If you want to try to find a counsellor on your own, there's NHS Therapy Services in the UK, and SAMHSA National Helpline in the US.)

In the meantime, though, I'll do my best.

If you're worried that things are never going to get better, you shouldn't be. I mean I understand why you are, but the fact is, as dark as this is to say, you might actually be at your lowest point right now. Which means, as awful as things are right now, things can only go up from here.

You got some new diagnoses, which suck to have, especially when they should have been caught earlier, but now that you have a diagnosis, you can start getting treated.

You're six months out from two surgeries and haven't gotten better, but in six more months, or even six weeks, you might start to see some improvement. Plus, once you start the phsyio therapy you now know you need, you can troubleshoot with the physical therapist on how to make more improvements on the issues you had surgery for, as well as the chronic pain. The physical therapist might also be able to refer you to a counsellor as well, if your previous counsellor isn't able to give you one.

But that's just the physical stuff.

It's the emotional stuff that hurts more. Losing loved ones, be it to death, breakup, or just realizing your friends aren't really friends. That kind of pain is even more difficult to deal with.

For the bereavements, it might be helpful remember the good times you shared with these people and the things you loved most about them. They may be gone now, but those memories aren't and they're even more valuable now that they are the parts of your loved ones that are still with you.

And when you're living your life, and you see or hear something that reminds you of them, like a favourite song, or the kind of car they used to drive, that's another way they're still with you.

You might cry the first few, or few hundred times you remember them, but after awhile you'll start smiling more and crying less when you think about them.

For the miscarriage, it's a bit tougher, since you're grieving what could have been, rather than what was. But it's still a loss as valid as any other loss of a loved one, so you have every right to grieve it as such. You have my deepest sympathy for the loss of your child. And the miscarriage is why your fiancé and you are no longer together, you have my deepest sympathy for that, too.

It would be easy for me to say "the trash took itself out" when it comes to ex-fiancés and fake friends, but much harder for you to actually feel that way.

You have the right to grieve the friendships and your relationship ending. To miss them even though they hurt you. To feel hurt, and betrayed, and angry, and still love them anyway, even if you can't be around them anymore. It's okay to hate them, too, if you need to. Not forever. But in the short term, it can be cathartic and exactly what you need.

It'll take time for all these overwhelming and conflicting feelings to fade, and it's possible they'll never completely be gone. But you will learn to live alongside them until you forget they're even there.

You will feel better, I promise you. Een if the light at the end of the tunnel looks like a distant star right now, you'll reach it.

So have an ox rib (platonic) for the journey

Hope this helps, even just a little. Mutuals, feel free to send good vibes @ashbunny2027's way

[ineffablemossy]

NTA!!

Hi Bildad. I know this isn't at all what your Tumblr is for, but I don't have anyone IRL to talk to about this, and my husband reads AITA. If you want to just leave this in your inbox unanswered, that is ok.

Today during an argument, my husband told me that he has not been attracted to me since we got married (20 years ago!) Around that time I started on antidepressants and they caused me to gain some weight and then I gained some more weight. Currently I am 5'6" and 190lbs.

He has hinted at this a couple times over the course of our marriage and frequently turns me down for sex (one time we went a whole year without any sexual activity). He said that he has never been completely honest about this before because it would hurt my "fragile ego" and send me into an "emotional spiral".

When we were first married, he was in good shape, but about ten years ago, he started putting on weight, too. He is currently 6'0" and 260lbs. He says that he knows that it's not fair, but he's just being honest about how he feels.

Currently I'm considering getting bariatric surgery, vs trying to do my best to diet and exercise while working full time and raising three kids with him, vs calling it quits and trying to find someone who likes my body the way it is. I have a fairly high sex drive and I'm feeling very frustrated.

Again, sorry for venting here. Not something I'd be willing to admit to family or friends but just needed to get it off my chest and this seems like a safe space.

Hi, anon. Sorry you're going through this.

Now, to paraphrase AITA (and r/relationship_advice, and r/relationships) You don't have a weight problem. You have a husband problem.

It shouldn't take a midwife to know that bodies change after giving birth and it seems you've done that three times. And that's not even getting into the normal weight gain that comes with aging. Nobody looks the same as they looked 20 years ago (well, unless you're an immortal being--which I am definitely not by the way, 100% totally human shoemaker obstetrician right here)

Your husband knows this. He's aged and gained weight, too. And not to get all Freudian, but I'm betting his criticisms of you are actually projection of how he feels about himself. (Especially the "fragile ego" and "emotional spiral" part. Such classic projection it might as well be an old silent film.)

He probably didn't mean what he said about not being attracted to you for your entire twenty-year marriage, if you two were arguing when he said it. It was just something he knew he could say to hurt you in the moment.

That's not an excuse, by the way. Every relationship is gonna have fights (don't ask me how I know), but you shouldn't be fighting dirty against the person you love. Fuck nasty, sure. But not fight dirty.

Speaking of which, sex drives often wax and wane over the course of lifetimes, and relationships, and a group of two's respective shifts don't always line up. Still, if there's an ongoing mismatch then the couple should do their best to figure out a compromise that works for both of them.

Is your husband doing this?

Is he doing half the childcare so you have the free time to exercise?And relax, too, because you won't have the energy to exercise if you're too tired from work and childcare.

Is he doing half the grocery shopping, meal planning, and cooking so your whole family can eat a healthy diet?

Is he trying to get back into shape and lose weight himself?

And finally, the hard (pun intended) one--is he cutting back on "pornography!" (to quote Sandalphon) so he can direct the majority of his sexual energy towards you? Has he checked with a doctor about his testosterone levels? Blood flow?

You don't have to tell me, but the answers to these questions might tell you whether your husband is putting enough effort into your marriage to make it worth saving, versus calling it quits and finding someone who will appreciate your body the way it is--and there are many people who will (just ask @mrazfellco about my obsession with his belly and thick thighs)

But the most important person who needs to appreciate your body the way it is isn't your husband or a hypothetical post-divorce boyfriend. The most important person who needs to appreciate your body is you.

And so you need to do whatever it is that will make you feel good about yourself. That might be diet and exercise. That might be bariatric surgery. That might just be losing 260 pounds of husband.

But whatever it is, it needs to be for you.

Hope this helps.

Good luck to you, and have an ox rib (platonic)

[crowleyscleaninglady]

Maybe I should cook a meal for him 🤔🤔

Thank you for the advice

Who made the first move? You or Mr. Fell?

I have this guy I really like and I want to make the first move to ask him out but I’m so nervous 😬

Dunno...we both sorta just dropped hints at each other, never really picking up on them, until the whole ox rib (not platonic) thing where we went from zero to 69 (and 'nice' doesn't even begin to describe it)

So if you wanna make a move, be direct. He might like you back or he might not, but you'll never know if he doesn't realize you're flirting with him.

Good luck.