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ineffablemossy · 1 year ago

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NTA!!

Hi Bildad. I know this isn't at all what your Tumblr is for, but I don't have anyone IRL to talk to about this, and my husband reads AITA. If you want to just leave this in your inbox unanswered, that is ok.

Today during an argument, my husband told me that he has not been attracted to me since we got married (20 years ago!) Around that time I started on antidepressants and they caused me to gain some weight and then I gained some more weight. Currently I am 5'6" and 190lbs.

He has hinted at this a couple times over the course of our marriage and frequently turns me down for sex (one time we went a whole year without any sexual activity). He said that he has never been completely honest about this before because it would hurt my "fragile ego" and send me into an "emotional spiral".

When we were first married, he was in good shape, but about ten years ago, he started putting on weight, too. He is currently 6'0" and 260lbs. He says that he knows that it's not fair, but he's just being honest about how he feels.

Currently I'm considering getting bariatric surgery, vs trying to do my best to diet and exercise while working full time and raising three kids with him, vs calling it quits and trying to find someone who likes my body the way it is. I have a fairly high sex drive and I'm feeling very frustrated.

Again, sorry for venting here. Not something I'd be willing to admit to family or friends but just needed to get it off my chest and this seems like a safe space.

Hi, anon. Sorry you're going through this.

Now, to paraphrase AITA (and r/relationship_advice, and r/relationships) You don't have a weight problem. You have a husband problem.

It shouldn't take a midwife to know that bodies change after giving birth and it seems you've done that three times. And that's not even getting into the normal weight gain that comes with aging. Nobody looks the same as they looked 20 years ago (well, unless you're an immortal being--which I am definitely not by the way, 100% totally human shoemaker obstetrician right here)

Your husband knows this. He's aged and gained weight, too. And not to get all Freudian, but I'm betting his criticisms of you are actually projection of how he feels about himself. (Especially the "fragile ego" and "emotional spiral" part. Such classic projection it might as well be an old silent film.)

He probably didn't mean what he said about not being attracted to you for your entire twenty-year marriage, if you two were arguing when he said it. It was just something he knew he could say to hurt you in the moment.

That's not an excuse, by the way. Every relationship is gonna have fights (don't ask me how I know), but you shouldn't be fighting dirty against the person you love. Fuck nasty, sure. But not fight dirty.

Speaking of which, sex drives often wax and wane over the course of lifetimes, and relationships, and a group of two's respective shifts don't always line up. Still, if there's an ongoing mismatch then the couple should do their best to figure out a compromise that works for both of them.

Is your husband doing this?

Is he doing half the childcare so you have the free time to exercise?And relax, too, because you won't have the energy to exercise if you're too tired from work and childcare.

Is he doing half the grocery shopping, meal planning, and cooking so your whole family can eat a healthy diet?

Is he trying to get back into shape and lose weight himself?

And finally, the hard (pun intended) one--is he cutting back on "pornography!" (to quote Sandalphon) so he can direct the majority of his sexual energy towards you? Has he checked with a doctor about his testosterone levels? Blood flow?

You don't have to tell me, but the answers to these questions might tell you whether your husband is putting enough effort into your marriage to make it worth saving, versus calling it quits and finding someone who will appreciate your body the way it is--and there are many people who will (just ask @mrazfellco about my obsession with his belly and thick thighs)

But the most important person who needs to appreciate your body the way it is isn't your husband or a hypothetical post-divorce boyfriend. The most important person who needs to appreciate your body is you.

And so you need to do whatever it is that will make you feel good about yourself. That might be diet and exercise. That might be bariatric surgery. That might just be losing 260 pounds of husband.

But whatever it is, it needs to be for you.

Hope this helps.

Good luck to you, and have an ox rib (platonic)