#I wanted to explode. It sucked so bad
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The difference between my two jobs today was so jarring. The bookstore was three hours of consistent, fairly easy work, and the print shop was two hours of sitting on my phone and then one hour of the most hectic, insane, intense work. And it’s always like this
#the printshop was not helped by the fact that we had a few simple orders midday and then like an hour before close#we had like five really involved ones#and then for some reason a billion people came into do self serve stuff and I was just going back and forth frantically#I wanted to explode. It sucked so bad#all the people doing self serve were like. weirdly rude today too like maybe it’s bc I was hanging on by a thread#but I had some people but unnecessarily rude to me#I’m so tired. I was already tired and out of it this morning I did not need this today#I’m gonna go home and take a nap. I need it
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I can't continue like that
I NEED ITALIAN INJECTED INTO MY BRAIN
#why can't i do same thing as i did with English#i need to get some basics and then just start reading fics and stuff#BUT I SUCK AT GETTING BASICS#the worst part - it's all because of these fuckers#vr46 academy#i need to explode them with my mind so i can stop thinking about Italian#but i want to know it sooooooo bad#i hate it here(in my brain)#maybe if i cut on my English fics and only find stuff in Italian.... hmmmmm#anyway someone please share a bit of Italian with me bc i know three words rn
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Something something the spot’s goofy antics distract from how dangerous his own entitlement and resentment is
#I don’t want to be that guy but I feel a little bit like spot gets sanded down a tad into just the fact he’s funny#and he IS funny I get it. but what makes him scary is the power to lash out with his entitlement and resentment towards miles#it’s you did this TO ME (miles didn’t#he was busy getting pummeled by kingpin and then venom shocking him back and the building was being EVACUATED it’s literally no one’s fault#but spot’s that he was there AND miles didn’t even know he was there when the collider exploded)#so I’m owed the role that you made me into <- miles literally didn’t do this#I’m OWED being your nemesis because I created you <- when all of itsv is about its miles own choices that make him heroic and not the bite#spot can’t even take ownership of his own actions. he’s like oh IM not robbing you that’s the bank. well buddy I don’t see you robbing the#bank I see you harassing some guy owning a corner store#like I get it. ur a cosmic horror and it sucks capitalism is pushing u down and u can’t get a job but like OWN UP TO WHAT THE HELL YOU DO#LMAO#and even miles trying to genuinely reach out and say look I’m sorry I made u feel bad (even though this isn’t an owed apology) and spot#STILL is hellbent on breaking miles back for an imagined slight#I AM GOING TO KILL YOUR LITERAL FATHER BECAUSE I BLAME YOU FOR SOMETHING YOU DIDNT DO#like god lmao. he’s a fun silly villain but there’s legitimate anger and spite and RESENTMENT motivating him purely to try hurt miles back a#as* badly as he imagines miles hurt him. when it’s like dude. own tf up to who’s responsible here#I’m not angry at the spot btw I actually think he’s a fun villain but I think recognising that resentment is what makes him effective as a#*frightening* villain and one that poses legitimate danger#tunes talks spiderverse#apologies xinakwans ik u said you didn’t want to read any spot posts hopefully this snags on ur filtered content block shdjfjfk
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#hhhhh I'll probably delete this later but if i don't physically put these thoughts somewhere I'll maybe explode.#but fuck man. shit sucks fr! I highkey think I can't go to work tomorrow but yknow how it goes!!!!#I'm caught somewhere between finally being taken seriously about my health issues#and having the most wretched mental health crisis#like on one hand fantastic! I'm being taken seriously now its gotten to the point where I cant fucking walk normally#but on the other hand oh my god holy shit. i had to get this bad???? and I'm worried. i know theres shit so much bigger than me rn going on#but I'm worried about my health. especially when I've been trying to deal with it for the better part of like.... 5 years#since i was 19!!!!#I'm 24 and worrying about whether or not I'll actually walk about with 0 pain ever again isn't that fucked.#so that's bittersweet. ive got physio tomorrow. blood tests next week#an ultrasound coming up#its ultimately a good thing im being taken seriously. if not a terrifying acceptance that everything ive been feeling has been real and#well. bad.#and like with this right is the crash of my mental health. just a fuckin nosedive man.#i have a relatively stressful job i felt out of my depth about and thus guilty for but now its a role that I've approached in constant pain#for the last few months.#i can't deal with that actually! lots of stress! lots of pain! lots of mental pain over my physical condition! my job grinding my soul!#aaaaa!!!!!!!#like i dont WANT to be unemployed either#I'd much rather be uhhhh employed! and able to save money towards actually getting Help™#but I've got to admit that i hurt too much. and its consuming my whole fucking brain.#but I'll go on#ive got my first trip out the country solo next week!! im heading to san Fransisco!!! im excited.#but I'm worried for the inevitable moment where my pains catch up with me#ill surpress it while I'm out there. try and remind myself to have a good time. return to the uk and feel a weeks worth of pain#and even THAT sucks to consider#but i should stop#rambles
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i don't even care anymore. siesta everybody go to sleep. 'but pr we won't make it thru the night later' i don't care.
#other post#-pr#please please please work#my heads abt to explode#if i have any dreams ill be mad#i want unconscious not that#'but youre unconscious when asleep' half lucidity mear constantly over here it sucks so bad#nothing else jas worked re my dissociating so whatever whatever ill hard reset this stupid brain and body#and if that doesnt fix this well ig im just fucked
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[vent in tags]
#cosmic luka's personal posts#i feel bad for anyone who's friends with me and who used to be friends with me#at least close friends that i tell everything to#i don't know how to regulate my emotions effectively and while i don't say anything to them about any perceived wrongs#i kind of explode in my own space and ignore them for a while because i'm convinced i hate them#that absolutely cannot be healthy#it really fucking sucks because i keep going back and forth between loving them dearly to hating their guts over the smallest things#and i know it shouldn't be like that. friends deserve better than that#i really don't want to hurt anyone but somehow it ends up happening every time#i'm starting to think i shouldn't have too close friends and just keep everyone at a distance for their well-being and mine#just happy fun things only so i can actually keep friends and not feel like shit for once#at least until i somehow learn how to be a better person
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Om
#toolshipping#yugioh 5ds#ygo 5ds#yusei fudo#bruno borrelli#i love themmm so much i feel so bad becazse i dont know how to draw romantic poses#the best they can do is stand within close proximizy#WHICH SUCKS I WANT TO DRAW YUSEI AND BRUNO INTERACTING. but also im so embarrassed#maybe i need to explode?#bruyu#yubru
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I am going to be so honest with you right now I completely despise the way I feel that I can no longer share things dear to me with others I want to befriend out of the fear that those things I cherish so closely will become tainted to the point of seeing red when I’m reminded those things exist.
#🦑#I can live without like.. one of the things. It really sucks that I can’t associate it with anything but bad now but#It’s whatever#THERE IS ONE THING IN SPECIFIC THOUGH#And it now makes me SO fucking angry that I want to explode their head off their fucking shoulders#Go to hell that is MY thing not yours…#This is the reason I don’t infodump as often anymore btw 👍
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Why can’t I sleep anymore
#i literally just can’t fall asleep like ever this sucks so fucking bad#i mean I know rn it’s partially bc I scared myself thinking about the volcano exploding while I slept#but like before that I have been tossing and turning with my eyes closed for like thirty minutes#i just lay here waiting to fall asleep and it comes eventually but not after I’m up for hours longer than I wanted to be#I need to completly exhaust myself to fall asleep at all#vent
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looking at art: aw hell yeah this goes off! i love this! yippee!
looking at that same art when making a portfolio: yeah uhh ehh its a bit uhhh hmmm
#kandi thoughts#pelase#everything looks bad#told mother beloved about it and she reassured me but still#im young and dont need to be super good at art but MAN#M A N#PORTFOLIOS SUCK TO MAKE#lots of people i know irl are urging me to make one#and like#yes thank you you’re so nice bUT#COMPANYS WANT OLDER PEOPLE WITH MORE EXPERIENCE#i have qualifications and stuff but *peers over at my age* grrrrrrr#rant rant rant#ramble ramble#ignore *explodes*
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i hate imogen with a passion
#speaking of using this as my hater blog. her existence annoys me so bad#not for the bullshit reason of her liking nick though. just literally everything else about her#her treatment of tara and darcy. her outing of ben. her ruining nick's coming out moment#the fact that she gets away with all of it just bc she's a white girl who's read/portrayed as unassuming and harmless and comedic#no. fuck you. explode.#she should've been ditched with harry and the rest of them genuinely#also. the fact that she only has guy friends????? i am so suspicious of that#why don't girls wanna be friends with you. gee i wonder after you walked up to tara after hearing she kissed a girl#to gossip about her love life. not even just to gossip but for selfish reasons#there's a reason no one wanted to room with you!! it's bc you suck and make everyone uncomfortable!!!!#and nick is just too nice and people please-y to ditch you bc you haven't done anything as bad as harry but you! suck!!#i mean. she's really just a teenage girl. i shouldn't be too hard on her#but i don't like the way the show goes about her whole character and paints that as like. a good and ok way to be without changing#imagine if that was anyone but a white girl with that characterization. the fandom would tear her ass to shreds#anyways. i'm done hating now. that one's just been building up for days
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mm i Neeed to go the beach
#just me hi#wauhuhh !#something about just drifting around in water that i am slightly scared of that really makes my brain whir happily lol :>#i am slightly scared of it for two major reasons: 1) fish. lord the fish why are they so scary 2) sometimes i think i'll drown and they jus#won't find the body. which is less rational than the fish so that's why fish is my number 1 fear at all times lmao#/i think out of all the animals on the planet i am the most scared of ordinary fish. not even the deep sea stuff hfbshv#cuz look they're so far down there you Have to assume they look funked. and also they prolly don't like human meat. so it's cool#but regular fish?? some of them eat birds. they eat birds dude. what would they do to me if they knew how to use harpoons??#also they for SURE eat corpses so we loop back to fear no. 2 really just being fear no. 1 hbfhs#/see i'm not even that scared of the animals my parents are determined on exploding. like man if i get eaten that was prolly bound#to happen anyway. i Know how that goes. i know what mauling is lol#i am the only person in this house who will walk around outside on a moonless light w/ no flashlight because if i was sposed to be dead i#can guaranteE there are much better opportunities. funnier ones‚ too#/just looked it up bobcats are SHY little guys. they are just shy babies. except for when they have rabies :)#shy rabies babies <3#/anyway back to the fish. i don't like how there are some that specifically like to eat human skin. mmm no i have never liked that ever not#one little bit. makes my skin crawl hghfsh#i don't care what it does or can do that is NOT cool lil dude ;w;#/hang on i'm googling 'weirdest things fish eat' because i want to scare myself i guess hbfhvbsf :'3#they're only showing me weird fish!!! no !! tell me about a fish that's living exclusively off of plastics!! or car tires !! come on !!!#these guys are just funky looking. and just Kinda funky looking. though this humphead guy is funny lol :)#he looks scary but with a charm that i can't deny#his forehead. and mouf. this guy is awesome#and of course he's endangered because the world is exploding. but it's so cool he exists :D#//anyway fish are scary. and miss humphead is Huge so goofiness aside he's also scary hhfbvs#also why do some of those motherfunkers swim close to shore and bite at you. those guys suck so bad#that's only happened to me so many times but enough for me to have a fear that has lasted for over half a decade lmao#//and anywho i'm running out of tag space lol :)#we're going ot the park!! i'm going to skate :DD !!#i wanna get good at my old stuff again hfsh - so bye! bye !! toodles !!!
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im so fucking dysphoric lately gUHHHH
#log date.txt#its so bad. ITS SO BADDDDDDD#i need strangers to stop automatically seeing me as a woman please god PLEASE#IM DOING ALL I CAN TO BE SOMEONE I WANT TO BE AND YOU DONT EVEN CARE COZ YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME#you in PLURAL. Y'ALL SUCK#one more person calls me lady or ma'am i just explode them with my mind. SAD. well theres other people#i cant stand to look at myself in the mirror
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like actually yes I am pretty pissed off about this whole thing. nowhere not once in my post did I mention anything about feminine women being the issue. not once. literally all I said was, essentially, "feminine men and masculine women are not accepted and adored by society" that's it. that's the post. and yet everyone and their brother is crawling out like weevils to go off in the tags about how as a feminine woman they feel attacked
listen very very closely. a post supporting one group is not automatically attacking the other group. if you feel left out, make your own positivity post. that's great. I will even reblog that post from you. but if a post says "I really love cats" you getting on there like "what did dogs ever do to you? dogs aren't the problem why do you hate dogs so much? I wish everyone could like dogs or cats and shut the fuck up about hating dogs" is doing literally nothing but annoying op
#about to explode I truly did not want that to be a discourse post in the first place#it's literally just a short lil jokey post abt the struggles of gnc people holy fuck yall suck so bad#anyway.#discourse cw
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feeling crazy might post a poem i wrote on nye 2 years ago that is still somehow better than anything i've written recently or ever
#been trying to write new poetry but getting so frustrated#i'm at that kinda bump in skill level where you know what you're doing wrong but don't know how to fix it yet#also might delete my old poetry that sucks so bad bc every time i see it i want to explode#p
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WWGRRRAAAAAAAHHHHHHH <- it wants to buy a secondhand book that is on sale, but it already has several books to-read right there in its bookshelf
#okay imma sound insane for a moment but bear with me#ive been avoiding the lord of the rings movies since i was like 14 cuz i wanted to read the books first#but then i never fucking did I KNOOOOOW OKAY every single person ive met friends professors and randoms tell me i should read the books !!!#and a few weeks ago a friend was like#if the lord of the rings books seem a big intimidating you should try reading the hobbit first its a light read and will get u in the mood#and today i was casually checking for 2nd hand books of le petit prince in french bcs thats the type of person i am#(<- collects the same book in different languages)#and suddently i saw on sale the hobbit book and im soooooo *explodes*#I NEED ITBSO BADLY BUT I HAVE MY BOOKSHELF RIGHT NEXT TO ME WITH AROUND 20 BOOKS I HAVE YET TO READ#/AND/ THREE BOOKS I STARTED AND HAVENT FINISHED YET#SOMEONE KILLLL MMEEEEEEE#''just watch the movies they are well adapted''#what if i told you i'd rather kill myself#i already hate coraline as it is YES THE MOVIE IT FUCKING SUCKS THE BOOK IS ONE OF MY FAVOURITES AND THE MOVIE MESSED IT SO BAD#I COUDL WRITE A WHOLE ESSAY ON WHY IT SUCKED the animation and technique was cool i dont have a problem w that THE STORY THO- !!!!!!#anyways the thing with me is that i usually prefer reading books first and then MAYBE checking visual adaptations#cuz i like when my brain gets to imagine things i hate being given everything I WANNA MAKE A MOVIE IN MY HEAD FIRST !!!!#so yeah i will suffer for some more time until i finish reading my to-read pile of books and then i'll continue buying books#sorry for being insane tee hee#vanya strawberry flavored
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