vomitnest

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Coraline, 2009, dir. Henry Selick

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sometimes i wake up feeling very physically weird and uncomfortable and my thoughts and mood are very dark and i can't go back to sleep. whenever it happens i have to try to think instead about what might be the cause, such as a hormonal imbalance. maybe it has to do with my gut biome or my HPA axis. maybe it's inflammation or brain lesions from infections or toxins. maybe it has to do with low testosterone.

i have to try not to mistake the thoughts and feelings for reality. i have to treat it like a bad trip knowing that it's like a drug and that eventually the drug will wear off. it's scary to think how the electrochemical signals in the body and the brain are what determine our felt experience. because if it isn't objective reality which ultimately determines our inner experience then we could be in a perfectly safe place and still be in danger of experiencing sheer terror and dread and other disturbing and painful emotions to the maximal degree that it is humanly possible. extreme states can be traumatizing in themselves. it does not matter whether or not it comes from an external stimulus. we are more-or-less at the mercy of our own internal brain activity and bodily processes.

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my uncle johnny came to visit my folks recently. it was nice to see him. it isn't very often i get to see him and we don't really keep in touch. i couldn't very well keep up with the conversation he and my parents were having. i'm like that in a lot of situations. i definitely have very bad social anxiety but i also have difficulty tracking. i imagine it is a similar thing with people who have autism or aspergers. hell, for all i know i could be on the spectrum. it makes me very tense and self-conscious and depressed. if asked a question i might seem confused and take an unusually long time to respond. it makes me feel dumb. and to make things worse i often don't outwardly display much personality in social situations like that. and so i struggle with confidence and self-esteem. i hate to feel like an aloof idiot with no personality. the kind of shy guy other people can one-up and run circles around in a casual conversation.

it's really not that big of a deal. but it still seems like it to me. i can't tell my neurotransmitters to behave differently. and yet that is what appears to determine our interpretation of every situation in which we find ourselves. we project our biochemical, neuropsychiatric electrical activity onto the world around us. and the result is that certain things appear to be more important than they really are. or they appear to be a bigger deal than they really are. or conversely we may struggle to appreciate ourselves in proportion to what is actually there. instead of seeing ourselves from a more balanced, intelligent, compassionate perspective we might see only the negative.

i don't believe in mind over matter. if it exists, it does not very well apply to my situation. the positive thinking thing only goes so far. you have to be wary of the tendency to indiscriminately apply this idea to every person's predicament, no matter what it may be. there are complex processes at work, and while thinking positively can sometimes override your emotions and perceptions, and the psychobiological activity in your body and brain, it isn't always going to work. and if it does work, it will often only be a temporary fix and/or it may prevent one from directly engaging the situation through decisive action and personal accountability. this has been referred to as spiritual bypass. in this case positive thinking or mind over matter acts more like a crutch that allows us to avoid the issue and thus miss an opportunity for concrete intervention.

sometimes it is simply our perspective that needs to change, which is easier said than done and can require more complex considerations than chalking everything up to will-power and positive thinking. (that's hypocrisy, imo.) other times it is more than simply our perspective that needs to change. or in other words there are times when opportunities for resolving issues present themselves during which we can ideally come to act differently and express ourselves differently in a given situation. it requires discernment because there are some things which we have the power to change and some things which we do not. there are times in which we ought to act, and there are times in which we ought to refrain or reflect. each of us has unique capacities and limitations as individuals and there is no singular solution which can apply to every person or every situation.