#I want to talk about SA so if this is painful for you don’t read

[gay-kurapika]

I’m like. Gonna say something in tags and probably delete it shortly after that I’ve needed to talk about with someone for a while, but like this is a please don’t interact unless you’re like sympathetic thing

[bohoteacher]

Navigating Betrayal: Reconciling Admiration with Disillusionment

Like many Neil Gaiman fans this month, I've been shocked and distressed by the news regarding the SA allegations. I won't go over the details, as they're readily available online. I'll start by saying that I believe the accusers, and even the most lenient interpretation of events is still troubling enough to discredit Gaiman. For a long time, I didn't know what to say. I was just shocked and, somewhat naively, felt betrayed. I don't typically idolize actors, authors, or other public figures—I'm here for the characters, they're who I love and believe in. So, how did I end up believing in this man and his rhetoric?

I only had a parasocial relationship with him, which is to say no real relationship at all. But I took his Masterclass on writing, spent hours taking notes, and learned from him. I feel betrayed by someone I saw as a beloved teacher. I know this is insignificant compared to what the women who came forward experienced, but it's a valid feeling, and I needed time to process it. My initial reaction was to throw out and discount everything he’s ever written or done—of course it was.

This isn't just about my love for Good Omens, although how can it not be? I learned so much from this man—about writing, about not being too hard on myself, about the creative process. I read his books to my middle school classes, and we all learned how to be better people from them. Today, I saw and bought Instructions, a children’s book by Neil Gaiman illustrated by Charles Vess, from the used bookstore where I volunteer. It was a used copy, so no royalties will go to him. It’s a beautifully illustrated book where the main character walks through a land that clearly symbolizes life, learning lessons like saying please and "if any creature cries to you that it hurts, if you can, ease its pain." How could someone write this and then do what he did? I asked myself. "What an evil hypocrite," was my first thought. But then I recalled a line from another author, Stephen King. In The Stand, a character is described as "awake at the lectern, but asleep at the switch," meaning they know the right thing to do and can talk about it, but in the moment of choice, they act without integrity.

I don’t know if I’m making sense, but I think it’s too easy to label Gaiman as simply evil, as if he intentionally manipulated us by saying the right things just to make us read or watch his creations. The reality is likely far more complicated. Within this man is the amazing, thought-provoking, life-affirming wisdom that many of us have tried to live by, but also the hard, thoughtless, selfish cruelty that led him to abuse young, vulnerable women. The wisdom does not justify the abuse, and the abuse does not nullify the wisdom.

I think it's too simplistic to say Gaiman is despicable and always has been, hiding it from us all along. This doesn't acknowledge the complexity of human nature—that there is potential for both good and bad within us all. As it’s said, possibly by Terry Pratchett or possibly by Neil Gaiman, “It may help to understand human affairs to be clear that most of the great triumphs and tragedies of history are caused, not by people being fundamentally good or fundamentally bad, but by people being fundamentally people.”

Gaiman is a man who has done some fundamentally good things and some fundamentally bad things. I can’t forget either one.

This is just my opinion. I know some people want to cancel him, while others want to exonerate him. You do you. As for me, I will continue to love Aziraphale and Crowley. I will continue to read and create fan-fiction. I will continue to find comfort and wisdom in books that have meant so much to me over the years. But I will also remember that they were created by a very flawed man whom I can no longer trust.

I understand that opinions on this matter vary widely. I know some people might feel that not discarding everything associated with him is wrong, but this is where I stand. I’m not looking to debate this or be told how I should react. I just needed to process my thoughts in writing and move forward in the way that feels right for me.

[cupcakeslushie]

I dont usually send asks, mostly cause im shy and don’t know what to say lol, but I wanted to share my appreciation for your Kendratello AU, cause it’s helped me recognize a toxic relationship in my own life.

I’ve never been a victim to SA or anything of the likes, so I can’t say I’ve been EXACTLY in Donnie’s place, but something that unsettled me early on when reading your AU was how…NICE Kendra would seem when alone with Donnie.

In a lot of media, especially in the media I saw growing up, the manipulative antagonist almost always had very obvious tells that show they’re evil when interacting with the victim. Maybe they’re talking about committing a very clearly villainous deed, keep the protagonist prisoner, something like that. But Kendra didn’t. Well, not always.

Kendra destroyed Donnie from the foundation up, and then rebuilt him back up to be who she wanted him to be, would punish him but then spin the situation around to be his own fault, but the rest of the time she would seem kind.

Only recently have I realized that someone very close to me has been toxic for most of our lives, and the reason it took me this long to realize it was because they would treat me kindly only until it became in their own interest to act otherwise. But I would take it, because I loved them and didn’t want to hurt their feelings, and I assumed that since they loved me, they wouldn’t ACTUALLY (emotionally) hurt me.

Spoiler alert: they did.

I’m not going to get much more into it, but your AU’s been very comforting to me ever since this happened, because it’s helping me come to terms with the fact that what happened wasn’t my fault just because our relationship seemed nice most of the time.

Your depiction of Kendra manipulating Donnie so realistically, and Donnie slowly but surely realizing that Kendra was hurting him is so powerful, and I thank you for that.

I’m so happy for you Anon 💚💚

It’s good to see these patterns, and depending on how toxic the relationship is, to speak up for yourself, or cut the person out, if they are unwilling to change.

Kindness is often a tool used by manipulators. But the biggest thing to ask yourself is exactly what you saw. Is this person only nice to me when they need something from me? And if so, then this isn’t real kindness. Good for you for knowing your worth!!

⚠️

sa related ask and discussions of very toxic relationships…

Personal experience rambling below. Toxic friendship and sa mention.

I’ll only be discussing this once, here, in this post. So I’m afraid if I get anyone asking for further info, I’m not going to reply /lh

I’m very sorry for what you’ve gone through. I hope you can find what you need to heal. Everyone’s traumas are so different, so please if you can, and haven’t already, speak to a professional that will give you help catered to you.

But I do want to immediately answer your question and say, yes, I have healed, for the most part. It took a lot of work and self-reflection that I didn’t want to do, because it was scary. But when I finally talked to someone, and realized I needed to take action in order to heal, that was when the process started.

For years, I thought my only options were to suffer in silence, and that what happened to me was my own fault, because towards the end, I was consenting. But I didn’t understand how my mindset and self worth had become so twisted.

My person (let’s call him J) was one of my best friends growing up. But as he got older, and more interested in…mature things, he changed. J would only ever agree to hang out together unless I offered to give him something to make it worth his while. Eventually I started to think these acts were all I was good for, as that’s all that made him happy to be around me. Pretty soon, J didn’t even have to push the ideas onto me. He only had to act uninterested or busy, and I would sit there and beg to do whatever he wanted.

The idea of rejection grew to be so painful and terrifying as he was one of only two friends that I had (the other being his sister. So if I lost one, I was so scared to lose the other). And I’d recently lost one of my closest childhood friends. Which he often used her cutting contact with us in his manipulations as well.

(It wasn’t until years later that she contacted me through Facebook and revealed that it was J that made her feel too uncomfortable, and as she already lived two hours away from us, and only visited once a year, it was just easier for her to cut off contact. I don’t blame her now, but without that knowledge, the thought that it was something I did, only helped J manipulate me.)

As I grew older, and I got better friends, I started to learn just how much I’d been pushed into only ever doing what he wanted, and how one sided of a relationship it was. He moved away, and that distance I was so scared of became a reality. But it was the best thing to ever happen. I still wonder what would’ve happened if he’d stayed in town. If we might’ve gotten married or if I would’ve finally stood up for myself. But all that matters is he is gone. There is always the danger of him coming home and me seeing him—we were neighbors, so his parents and mine still live right next door. Holidays can be kind of a high stress time lol.

That cafe comic is actually probably the most therapeutic piece out of the whole Kendratello AU I’ve done, as it’s always been a fear of mine that I could just turn around and he’d be in town visiting lol. Sending Kendra through that portal was highly cathartic. But even if that were to happen now, I have my coping skills, and I’m in a much better headspace. I think I would be able to handle myself.

I’m still a people pleaser, I don’t think that’s ever going to go away, even with all the work I’ve done. The biggest thing is, I know I’m worth more now. I can see real kindness, and catch the fake stuff much better by looking for those same toxic signs. The real friendships I’ve made have shown me what connection is truly like. It’s not a one-sided negotiation every time you get together. And if it is, then it’s probably not a healthy give and take. I’ve healed, but it is a constant effort.

Every new person sets off some kind of anxiety in the back of my head, but I don’t let that fear control how our relationship will develop. I’ve got the final say in what happens and what I get out of it.

[softestqueeen]

ugh, i just love you

pairing: spencer reid x reader

summary: When you accidently let the a love confession towards your best friend, Spencer Reid, tumble out of your mouth, you think you’ve ruined the friendship between you completely.

warnings: angst, hurt/comfort, self destructive thoughts, spiralling SPOILER: happy end, cuz I’m a sap

wordcount: 1333 words

a/n: i had a sudden burst of motivation, after reading way too much angsty fics. i wrote this in like 35 min while rubbing my hands together like a villain at all of the pain that is happening here. muahahaha. anyways, i hope you enjoy this! <3

You ruined it. It finally happened. You knew that it would, sooner or later. Your love for your good colleague and best friend Spencer Reid were just too strong.

Sitting at your tables at the BAU, you and Spencer were the last two remaining. While trying to find anything that got the team closer to a profile, the two of you had ordered Chinese takeout. Taking a break you found yourselves in the break room, enjoying your food. Your conversation, the random facts Spencer told you and the meaningless stories you told him in return, made you forget about the gruesome murderer that was currently preying on their next victim.

Talking with Spencer always made you feel most at home. No matter how bad you felt or how low you were, Spencer could always bring you up again, no matter if it is on purpose or not.

And now, in a moment of vulnerability it had slipped out. “Ugh, I just love you Spence.”

“W- What- What did you say? You- You love me?” you could hear the pure disbelief in his voice, and you were sure he could see that same exact feeling on your face, even without you saying a word. You knew it was too late to take it back now, but you had to save yourself from this mishap, because he just couldn’t love you back.

“Uhm- well, uh, you know I love you as a friend, Spence. Of course, only as a friend,” the last sentence was a mere whisper spilling from your lips. You had to get out of here.

“Well, I think we won’t get to any reports anymore anyway. I’ll see you Spencer, bye!” you were already out of the breakroom, collecting your stuff to leave, when you heard him calling after you.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, Spencer!” were the last words he heard before you practically ran out of the building.

So, now you were in Penelope’s little “office” recounting everything that happened. You could feel tears well in your eyes as you told her exactly what happened.

It was too much, the thought of facing Spencer after this. It has gone so far, that you’ve taken a few days off work to collect yourself again. But now that you’re back, you timed it perfectly that you’d arrive before Spencer but after Penny so you could slip into her office and give her a rundown. Which you were currently doing.

“I see, that’s why you stayed home so suddenly. You know, you can always come and talk to me,” she told you. It felt comforting to know that she was on your side.

“Thank you so much Penny, that means a lot to me. But you know, I was happy with the fact we were friends, even if he didn’t love me that way. It was enough for me to be just with him as friends and now I’ve ruined it,” you didn’t now what to do with yourself. Of course, your other best friend doesn’t understand the situation like you did, which kinda frustrated you.

“But you don’t understand! I- I can’t- can’t do this anymore. I loved- I love him. I love him so much it hurts. Every time I looked at him it was harder to keep these words from slipping out. It is all I could- all I can think about. And now I’ve ruined it. I lost my best friend; I lost the chance for a future with him. I don’t want to live like that. Knowing he hates me when he is everything I ever wanted. The ray of sunshine on my rainy days. He always lit up the whole room when he came in, he always made everything better. Every time I see him it’s like that one thing you thought you lost long ago but now have found again. It’s exactly the same feeling.

“I just can’t- I just don’t want to live without him. What do I do know, huh? Leave and never see him again? Stay, but live with the pain, the agony to see him everyday without speaking to him? Without being his friend?

“I feel so intensely that I often wish I could just stop. Stop worrying, stop thinking, stop feeling. But in the end, it’s always the same. I just want it to end, don’t you understand?” you have now started sobbing, letting yourself fall into Pennys arms and she rubs her hand up and down you arm in a comforting manner.

“Oh, sweetheart. Don’t get yourself too worked up about this. You don’t know yet what Spencer is going to say about this. Maybe he feels the same,” in fact, everybody but the two of you at BAU knew that you were in love and for Penelope it was kinda funny that two profilers and also two of the most intelligent people she knew failed to realise that.

“I don’t know,” you mumble into her chest, “I don’t want to get my hopes up. What if he hates me now? What if he’s mad?

“Well, we’ll only find out if you talk to him,” Penny reminded you. You were sitting up normally again, slipping out of her embrace as she was talking to you.

A sigh leaves your lips. “You’re right Pen. What would I do without you? Thanks for listening.”

“No problem. You always know where to find me if you need to talk. But now get up and talk to Mr Boy Genius. I’m sure he’s in just as much agony as you are.”

You let out another sigh before getting up and waving Pen goodbye. Wiping your tears you brace yourself for what’s to come. Taking a seat at your desk, you wait for Spencer to take his seat opposite yours.

Once he does, a few minutes after you, he seems surprised to see you.

“Hey Spencer, can we talk? In private?” you ask him before getting up.

“Yeah, of course,” he answers before getting up too and following you.

Closing the door behind him, you found yourselves in the break room, the first available room.

After a beat of silence, you start talking “Spencer, I owe you an apology.”

For a second Spencer fears that you are going to apologise for telling him that you love him, but you surprise him.

“I’m sorry for just storming off and then practically disappearing. I was a coward and too afraid of your reaction,” you take a deep breath before admitting “I didn’t lie, Spence. I love you. I did however lie about only liking you as a friend. I like you so much more than that, but as you could tell I thought you don’t feel the same. Which- Which would be totally fine, and I don’t want to pressure you into anything when-“

Your rambling is cut off by Spencer’s lips on yours. For a second both of you freeze, before you further lean into him, kissing him back. That seems to snap him out of his trace, because he carefully raises his hands, to cup your face.

After pulling away he tells you “I- I love you too. When you told me that a few nights ago my heart stopped, because I thought you felt the same. But when you told me that’s not how you meant it, my heart shattered. I don’t like it when you lie to me, but I know where it came from, so I guess I accept your apology,” he smiles before adding “Only if you let me take you out. I- I’ve never done any of this before, but I’m willing to give it a try for you.”

“Of course you can take me out, Spence. Don’t worry,” you connect your lips to his again, both of you smiling now that you know everything’s well.

And if you weren’t so engrossed in each other, you’d see Derek giving 20 bucks to Penny.

“I told you they’d eventually tell each other.”

a/n: i hope you liked this, if so please leave some notes, likes, reblogs and comments! feedback is very appreciated! i’d like to write more with spencer reid and aaron hotchner, so if you have any ideas/requests lmk!!

please also consider supporting my ao3: @ softestqueen

requests open!

taglist: @silvermagnolias @milywatermelon @BigBananaa

[pascalsbby]

CARNAL : PROLOGUE

Read Part 1

Carnal Masterlist / Masterlist

Summary: 2.9K/ f!reader, dark!joel, stalker!joel.

Warnings: 18+ mdni, SMUT, age gap (unspecified but reader is late into college), female masturbation, joel masturbating, dominate & aggressive joel, cam girl, pet names, praise kink, he briefly talks you through it, tells you what to do. talk of: trauma (not graphic or specified as SA), pain kink, fingering, sucking fingers, red flag girl stalker!joel is coming, the usual pure filth

“You thought you had it all figured out before him. Animals. Tender, primal flesh. That’s what we are at the end of the day, right? Fucking, testing one another and then eating each other alive, heart first. Maybe the heart is the sweetest part of the body- or maybe it’s just the easiest to get to.”

°:. *₊ ° . ° .• ♡ °:. *₊ ° *₊.• ♡ °:. *₊ ° . ° .• ♡ °:. *₊ ° *

It started as a way to claim something back for yourself. Pieces that you’d given away over the years, ones that had been ripped from your hands, your body. This way, you had a say.

Strip, open your lips for a stranger to coo praise towards your teeming core… and then pay you. You cried a couple of times afterwards, languidly sitting in the filth of your own desire. Through the guilt of it all, it was hard to explain why it pleasured you so deeply.

No man had ever, in real life, truly pleasured you. Taking cock this way and that just for you to squeeze your walls together and moan, tired of the wrestle and hoping it would end soon. “I came.”

This, behind a camera, didn’t feel like real life, though. Most of the time you didn’t see their faces, just the curvature of desperate dick and tiring arms. That made it easier, of course, until the money became second thought to how pleasing their whispered obscenities were, dripping from their mouth down to their sobbing cocks.

You read somewhere that some kinks are a result of trauma, which makes sense. Having an angry father and a mother who didn’t leave her bed until after you left for college, was just the first lock on a heavily bolted door. You raised yourself, your brother, your mother, your father. Labeled an ‘old soul’ or whatever the fuck the grownups always told you as they patted your back and sent you along.

Scratching your way through childhood, you decided it would be easier to be invisible in high school. You painted, and finally you were noticed. You told yourself college would be different. But the only interest shown was that of your body, or that of your art.

Maybe if he praised the way my tits looked after he marked himself into them, I’d feel better about myself. Maybe if he slipped his spit-soaked fingers into the right place, I’d be cured.

The cure never came, no matter how many different sets of fingers you had inside of you. No matter how many tubes of oil you emptied onto primed canvas. Everyone always wants to know the story of how the canvas came to be covered, but do they really want that truth?

Maybe the desire to bare yourself to these men stemmed from never being wanted or loved the way you loved others. So much so that it caved in your chest the first time you fell in love. You fundamentally could not understand why he wouldn’t try as hard as you, why he didn’t love like you did. “I just don’t know if I want to stay with you because of your body, or if it’s because I love you.” Watering yourself down was preferred, it hurt less, even though there’s shame in that, too. So love hadn’t really crossed your mind since. You wondered where that little girl was, who so deeply believed in it, despite the fact she never received it back. Desire, pleasure, pain with no connection? That was easy.

So uttering your want…need, to be hit, spit on, filled, devoured- as if it was an act of release- to any sexual partner, lover, or even therapist, never seemed right. Especially when you were aware that you would collapse into yourself afterward, falling over the thin line of possible pleasure and needing safety. Of wanting to, but not being able to let yourself go completely.

The stranger across the screen? They could tear you apart in every way you wanted, without you having to beg or be asked “why?” Without touching you. Afterwards, you could shut the computer screen.

This was your secret, the squalor. A juxtaposing new kind of fight.

You thought you had it all figured out before him. Animals. Tender, primal flesh. That’s what we are at the end of the day, right? Fucking, testing one another and then eating each other alive, heart first. Maybe the heart is the sweetest part of the body- or maybe it’s just the easiest to get to.

You learned quickly that he was in charge. Submitting to him felt like second nature. You’d long ago given up the belief that someday, someone would save you.

@texanblackbird

You look like you need to be put in your place sweetheart. Havin your sweet little holes out for all these men and what worthwhile could they possibly be givin you back?

You

Well Texan Paul McCartney, right now they’re giving me a lot more than you. $100 and I’ll enter a room with you for an hour.

@texanblackbird

Let me help you little bird, you sound fuckin pathetic. $300 and you’re mine for 30 minutes. Don’t open your mouth until I say & don’t you dare smart off to me again, got it? Then I won’t clip your wings, not just yet.

You felt your cheeks swell with heat, but more so you felt the pull in your core. His profile picture was missing his face of course, but you couldn’t deny that from the small circle, the body filling it looked intriguing. You got off of the bed, sat up your laptop and checked yourself in the mirror above your desk. You brushed out your too-perfect lipstick with your finger, making it look a little more worn. Making it seem like you were a little more experienced, that you put on a good show. That you were worth the money.

You let him in and waited.

He was breathtaking, sat in a simple office chair. His shoulders spread the entire width- he engulfed it. His collarbones adorned by freckles and warm-toned skin. Like the sky had kissed him over and over, singing praises into his skin. He had gotten a little sun recently, his chest blushing and soft looking with a few scars from time. His arms splayed across his lap, jeans still on but wantonly unbuttoned. He was thick, rugged- dirty even. He needed a shower from whatever laboriously hard work he had just completed. You could already see the length of him pushing against his jeans. His hips protruding slightly, curving at his thighs. Veins running down his hallowed v line.

He wasn’t big in the sense of grotesque protruding muscles, but large in a soft way. His biceps pushing against his skin, showing that he would easily overtake you, lay you down and pin you where he wanted. Strong. His shoulders could support you. His fingers thick… one was the equivalent of your two. He could caress the spongey insides of you with absolute ease. His palm greatly bigger than your entire face. You imagined it sprawling your mound, fingers tall enough to push down on your stomach at the same time his thumb was pushing down into your body. His build was that of an older man, someone whose body has seen years, been loved, discarded, kissed, and maybe even hated. His stomach lightly spilled over his half open jeans, hair curling above the seam and crawling up towards his belly button.

You didn’t dare say anything until he instructed. You sat pretty on the edge of your bed and took him in. Oh, you would do anything he asked of you. Then, he took out his cock and spoke a voice that sent fire down your spine.

Husked, vibrating, basey. You never had an affinity for a southern drawl until his lips parted.

He spent most of your sessions hungrily ordering you around your own body. He was abhorrent in ways you’d never dreamed before. You discovered parts of yourself you didn’t know needed touching, panting and babbling for him. Right when you’d hit a new spot he would huff a laugh at your desperation, breathing out, “Good girl. Goooood. Now do it again, harder. That’s it baby.”

“Turn around ‘n spread open those pretty lips for daddy. I wanna see what you look like drippin from the back. Bend over. Mhmm, oh so good,” he paused as you did what he asked, “God damn I know that pretty pussy would love to swallow this cock. Don’t ya think so Birdie?”

“Y… yes sir.” In reality, it would absolutely destroy you. But imagining the stretch of your hole as he slipped himself into you was enough to pull out another orgasm. Your entrance tightening and losing slack each time he sheathed himself into you.

“Let it out baby girl.” You did. You let it out for him, unabashedly.

If his deep voice wasn’t enough by itself, then even looking at his hands was sometimes enough to send you over the edge. The way he grabbed himself, spitting multiple times into his palm in order to cover the width, moving his middle finger in lazy circles around his angry head. Drawing spit into strings to wet his slit, pushing the precum down the veins of his length. Breathing heavily and moaning from his chest.

He told you that all of your holes needed to be filled simultaneously until you were whimpering, begging for reprise. You agreed through overstimulated tears.

By the fourth encounter, you’d given him your phone number, not thinking too deeply into it, considering by this time he was paying you enough to cover your phone bill three times over. And rent.

You lived alone in an apartment a few minutes outside of campus, far enough to drive but not far enough away to feel like you weren’t in the mix of everything. Everyone around you was around the same age, so no one thought twice about the moans you failed to stifle. Or the dad-aged man who often sat in the lobby, head down- unbeknownst to you, of course.

You still didn’t know each others name, but you were instructed to call him ‘daddy’ and ‘sir’. When he wasn’t calling you filthy pet names he called you ‘darlin’’ or ‘sweetheart’. You Googled his phone number but couldn’t find anything worth following. The ignorance to who he could be was good enough for you, blissful even. It fed into your daydreams between seeing him every Thursday.

You’d never had a true conversation with him, never dared ask why that day over any other. Upon his request you would send him multiple pictures a day, your fingers in your mouth. He wanted to see the wetness in your underwear, begging for you stick your fingers in and play with it so he could see what he’d done to you.

By the seventh encounter you knew you wanted to be completely devoured by him. You wanted to fill the space between his teeth.

“I want to bring you pain so that you know what real pleasure feels like. Bring you so close to the edge that I’m the only one who can bring you back. I want you to fall on your knees for me, I want you bruised and beggin,” he husked, “at my mercy, not the world’s.”

°:. *₊ ° . ° .• ♡

One Thursday, someone knocked at your door amidst your indecency. You had a few friends, mostly those with the same major and classes. It didn’t make sense for them to be showing up, considering you’d just spent a three hour class time with them.

Your movements stuttered.

“You gonna get that?”

“Are you gonna let me?”

“And let whoever it is see how wasted you look right now? Absolutely. Tell ‘em I said hi,” he smirked.

The knocking continued until you finally made it to the door. Whoever it was, could by no means enter your apartment, especially not your bedroom.

“Sarah!” Oh god.

“Oh my gosh, are you okay? Have you been crying? Who hurt you, let me at ‘em!”

Always full of energy, this one. She was a few years younger than you, a photography major you had met when she approached you one day in the Student Union, asking if she could take your portraits because you, “had a certain aura about you.” Of course you agreed, how could you say no to someone who was so entirely happy? You exchanged numbers and had at least one new text from her daily, since. You hadn’t seen the photographs yet, she took them on an old film camera, but you kept meaning to ask if she’d developed them.

“I’m okay, promise. I just wasn’t expecting you. I would invite you in but I’m not feeling too great at the moment. I think I caught the cold that Shay had,” you pouted, hoping your were selling it well.

“Oh no worries, I texted you but you didn’t respond so I thought I’d walk the couple doors down! I just wanted to see if you wanted to grab dinner on campus, but we’ll reconvene another time.”

“I’m sorry,” you palmed your forehead, “it’s been a day. I promise I’ll answer next time. Dinner tomorrow night?”

“Sure! See you then. Text me if you need anything.”

“Always,” you said with a smile as she walked away and you closed the door.

You hadn’t been to her place just yet. She has a roommate she absolutely despises, you learned. You didn’t know she had an ill bone in her body, but she spends most of her time outside of her apartment, understandably so. It made you feel a sort of calm though, knowing she lived so close. You were going to miss her liveliness whenever you graduated and she returned to her hometown for the summer. You wished you’d met her earlier in college.

°:. *₊ ° . ° .• ♡

He had heard everything, you rushed too quickly out and didn’t close your bedroom door entirely. The apartment is small, he thought, if it was anything like Sarah’s. Sound travels. He wondered if Sarah was there to drop off the pictures she’d taken of you. Oh she was so excited about them, FaceTiming him months ago to show him. She insisted that she would wait to give them to you, as a graduation present. At the time, graduation was a semester away.

“Isn’t she beautiful?” You were. There was something in your eyes that fell to the pit of his stomach. Who had hurt you so badly that your eyes gave it away, pleading? You looked so small, sitting at a table with pencil in hand, drawing. You looked so familiar, he felt your stare in his core.

He would never admit that he had taken a screenshot of one specific image as Sarah continued on, “She was just sitting there, and I went up to her and asked her! And now we’re friends. I feel like we’ll be best friends soon. She’s a senior though, but she lives right down the hall. And oh! Her taste in music is so similar to yours too, you’d like her.” She smiled.

He looked at the picture shamefully. Between jobs, in the bathroom, in his work truck. He felt gross the first time he touched himself to you, but it felt so good, the way his cock would twitch at the thought of all the ways he could ruin you. Fix you.

A week later he couldn’t take it anymore. He found you quickly, you popped up in Sarah’s Instagram friends right under a few other people, smiling in your profile picture. Private, but your social media was all under the same name, so he took you for everything he could find. You were an artist, loved classic rock and always retweeted sad poetry.

The day he came across your secret Twitter felt like an answer to a prayer. He knew you had it in you. What a naughty girl. But why would you follow yourself? That wasn’t very smart of you. Did you even think about your own safety? Did you even care?

He made an account on the cam site you promoted on said post- and he was in. As far as he knew, Sarah had never mentioned him to you… never had a reason too.

You’d surprised her one weekend, showing up to have dinner with her. Not before sitting in the lobby for a few minutes, hoping to catch a glance of you. For you to pass by without a thought, the air bringing your scent to his nose. He even walked down the opposite side of Sarah’s hallway when he got to the fourth floor, trying to see if there was any indication which apartment was yours. Maybe he would knock on it, accidentally, apologize and say he was looking for his daughters apartment. He wanted more of you, anything he could get his hands on.

The money wasn’t an issue for him, he lived alone and didn’t need much. He gave it to you happily if it meant that you were his for an hour, through text, whatever. He gave you a fake number, one that led back to some app he texted you on. He’d had these obsessive tendencies before.

You returned to him, blushing while dropping the robe you had hastily grabbed. As you sat on the edge of your bed, spreading your thighs open for him, tracing wet lines towards your cunt, he knew that you were his, you would be. An hour later he was texting Sarah.

“What time is your friends capstone show next week?”

Extra: Joel in his truck

Part 3

°:. *₊ ° . ° .• ♡ °:. *₊ ° *₊.• ♡ °:. *₊ ° . ° .• ♡ °:. *₊ ° *

A/N: Thank you for all the love in Part 1! I haven’t written in a while, but I’ve just graduated college and I have some downtime and a busy brain to satiate.

I just wanted to state that I’m pro-sex work & pro-therapy! This is me writing parts of myself and my own trauma into the main character…forgive me! ‘Art’ is embarrassing sometimes, huh?

I have an entire Pinterest board filled with ideas, pictures, quotes for this fic. I hope you guys are enjoying ☺️

Tag List: @paleidiot @sarap-77 @i-love-rafe

[chaoticbardlady99]

She’s My Religion- Part 4: Makes You Believe in Something Above (Astarion x F! Reader)

Synopsis- Shadowheart, Isobel, Halsin, and Dame Aylin work to heal you. No one is certain you’ll willingly come back from the land of the Dead. Astarion begs for you to come back to him and he wants to spend forever with you.

CW: mentions of gore, violent themes, mentions of SA, mentions of attempted SA, mentions of grief

*not my pic* reach out if it is yours so I can give you credit!

This is barely edited- my mental health has been ❤️🙈✨horrific ✨🙈❤️

The last thing you remember was hearing Astarion screaming and crying- it broke your heart to hear his painful transformation.

Giving up has been the easiest feeling in the whole world- you didn’t know if you were dreaming or in the Heavens, but being embraced by your mother and father as you let the warm glow of their love sink into your non-existent bones, you didn’t know if you cared.

Your father was still your father and your mother was your mother again. They were both still madly in love with one another, but they miss you terribly.

You asked if you were temporarily here. Your mother smiled and said, “only for now, my Heart.”

You broke down in front of both of them- told them your fears and how scared you are to return to Astarion. You don’t want to be forced into vampirism and you certainly don’t want to be a consort.

Your parents told you that fate is a fickle thing and it’s better to embrace it than run from it- they won’t allow you to give up.

You were so angry- they let you be. You lit fires in the Heavenly grass and you screamed until you couldn’t scream anymore. Both of your parents held you as you sobbed- telling you that you’ll be okay.

After, you decided you weren’t going to squander your last little bit of freedom and time with your parents for Gods knows how long. You will not continue being angry over something you have no control over. You will figure it out- you will be okay.

You laughed, cried, hugged, and talked together for what was probably seconds in the mortal world, but hours in this beautiful space.

Your soul feels broken and healed all at the same time when your consciousness hits you like a wagon and you are still in the Szarr palace. Except you aren’t lying on the ground anymore (you think); the air smells of Astarion and the aroma is intoxicating. At least he still smells the same, but you thought you would be far more blood thirsty for waking up as a Spawn and that Astarion would be a lot less hysterical.

Your body hurts- being only halfway between death and life is a painful balance. All of your muscles are taught, but also loose and heavy at the same time. Your skin is numb, but also still stings with every single mark Cazador had cut into you.

Astarion is holding you up against him while Shadowheart is working to heal you and Gale finishes reading the Revivify Scroll. Astarion’s silent tears are falling into your hair and trailing down your face.

“Don’t leave me here alone,” he whispers pleadingly for only your ears to hear, “I didn’t do it- I didn’t Ascend. You were right- you were right the whole time. I dislike you for it, but it’s true.”

You hear him take a shaky, choked breath- your body still not quite awake enough to show any sign of real change in your condition.

You are in complete shock. He didn’t Ascend? It is all he had been talking about for the last three weeks! It’s what he had wanted so why didn’t he do it.

“I’m so so sorry, my Love, ” he continues to beg quietly, “I want you to come back. I need you to come back to me. I don’t want to be in this world without you.”

He pauses for a second and gently kisses your cheek- exhaling unevenly.

“And then have you beat the shit out of me when I decide to come join you because ‘that absolutely is not what I wanted you to do!’”

His soft impression of you, the broken laugh, and the words themselves make your heart feel like it’s going to shatter. You are fighting to make your breaths more noticeable or move your arm- something to tell Astarion I’m here! I didn’t leave you! You aren’t connected enough to your body right now to use the tadpole so that’s not even an option.

Your body is still so weak- Shadowheart is struggling to find out which poison it is and then you hear the voice of Isobel and the sound of Karlach’s clunky armor in the air as Isobel begins to talk to Shadowheart and Halsin about what they have done so far- what has worked? What hasn’t? How long have you been down? Do you have a reason to refuse to come back?

Everyone responds with a resounding no, but you hear Astarion interject.

“Yes,” Astarion’s voice cracks, “she does have a reason to refuse to come back.

“She didn’t want me to Ascend,” he says solemnly, “and we fought about it and I told her it was over. I was coming back to talk to her about it- try to make her see the reasons I needed to Ascend. To try to explain to her that I was doing it for her too.

“I never would have thought Cazador would hurt her like this. He was always so protective,” he manages to choke out after a long pause, “she’s lost her whole family and now she thinks her life is at risk because of me and my obsession with power. Why would she want to come back?”

“Fangs…”

“No,” he screams, the sound echoing through your body, “don’t try to tell me how much she loves me, how she wouldn’t just leave me! I broke her heart. Tav’s family is dead, gone, no more. It’s not even guaranteed some of us will still be alive at the end of this thing and if I thought my best bet of being free was dying because I thought my EX-boyfriend became a power hungry Demi-God Vampire Hybrid- I WOULD CHOOSE STAYING DEAD TOO!”

At least he gets it, but it’s not his fault though. You had made a conscious decision and you knew it was likely you wouldn’t come back. You had been so certain that you had done the right thing this time- you let him go to be what he wanted to be and to find a consort that better suited what he wanted out of life. You were going to be Tadpole free and happily reunited with the people you care for.

You are hoping that he doesn’t resent you- what if you forced him to make a decision? Did he go into your mind? Was he aware that you had chosen to give up and Gods you hope that isn’t the reason he chose not to Ascend because you could not live with yourself if your selfish decision made him deny himself what he wants.

As you try to connect to your tadpole again, you hear Isobel ask for your arm and then feel her stab you with a needle before the world goes dark.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Astarion clings to you in your shared bed as you sleep peacefully in his arms. Isobel had told everyone she had figured out it was Topor- how? Astarion had no damn clue, but you began to look better immediately after she gave you the injection and you’ve been sleeping since.

Astarion had been worried about you sleeping for so long- Isobel, Shadowheart, Halsin and Gale had to come together to convince him that you are entirely okay, but your body had just been through significant trauma- emotionally, mentally, and physically.

Dalyria told him that Cazador had attempted to force himself on you, but you fought him so hard and for so long (even going as far as escaping for a brief moment) that Cazador gave up- resigning to waiting until you were a compliant spawn. So he gave you the Topor to kick start your agonizingly slow and painful death. Isobel said you maybe only had about an hour and a half left when she had arrived- praising Karlach for getting to her so quickly.

Astarion had actually hugged the tiefling (and for a very long time too) after Dame Aylin took you away to help Isobel clean up and stitch your deeper wounds before attempting to heal them. Karlach had been thrilled, but she also told Astarion that she is really proud of him for not ascending and for releasing the spawn into the Underdark. Oh and no hard feelings for the outburst.

Actually- that had been everyone’s words to him today. No one wanted him to Ascend and maybe he would have been miffed prior to today, but Astarion has finally discovered what all those writers have been saying- love and companionship are the most powerful forces across the planes. Astarion could never have killed Cazador or saved you if he hadn’t met any of his companions.

Everyone wanted to know what changed and he would just shrug- said it didn’t feel right. The actual reason is far more private.

Astarion didn’t change his mind because you had ultimately given up- he knew Ascending meant he could bring you back as his Spawn. The hungry, lustful power offered by Mephistopheles had been entirely too tempting and he is grateful he had disrespected your mental privacy in that moment.

Astarion has been told by Cazador for two hundred years how genuinely unlikeable and weak he is. The lure of the ritual had tried to push him to show Cazador ‘just how weak he truly is’- it was practically begging him to complete it.

Astarion could not be more grateful that Shadowheart announced your possible impending death. He wouldn’t have taken the time to cross your boundaries and explore your mind- just resorting to turning you into something you didn’t want to be because that bloodthirsty Ascension would allow him to have power and you wouldn’t be able to leave him. You would have been unhappy at first, but he would keep you safe- that had been the Magic’s justification.

The love you feel towards him is even more all consuming than any evil power would ever be. Your thoughts- even in your grief- were full of warmth, love, and happiness for him despite how gut wrenching it was to hear your mental distress at the idea of him Ascending.

Astarion realized that he would not be able to feel that with you again if he ascended. He would never truly know what it feels like to be loved ever again- he’d be too busy wanting more power and possessing your entire being like Cazador had wanted to do.

If Cazador could do this much damage to you- what would he be capable of? Astarion would have you physically, but eventually, you would turn into a ghost of yourself- abused and empty. Just like Sebastian and the other unfortunate individuals who had been unlucky enough to cross his path.

Or you’ll be like him and eventually find a way to kill him so you can be free. Either way he ends up losing you.

Astarion thought that he would feel relief and happiness when he finally killed Cazador, but he actually felt heartbroken when the man dropped to the floor. It pisses him off even now, but Halsin had said something to him afterwards that had somehow been beneficial.

“It’s okay to grieve your chains after you have spent so long learning to love them- to survive them.”

So he sits here and grieves the last shitty 200 years while holding your sleeping form because you make him feel steady and you keep him on the ground. The hint of your perfume and the clean linens is soothing. You are softly snoring and the sound fills his heart with glee.

You are here and you are alive. He doesn’t have to grieve you or himself and that’s all that matters to him at the end of the day.

There is a quiet knock on the door as Isobel, Dame Aylin, and Shadowheart walk in. They tell him they are going to do a group healing prayer over you that should help you feel better and stronger much faster than if they continue to heal you individually.

It was clear it was a ceremony that was “need to know” and Astarion was promptly kicked out of the room. Realistically the whole thing took about 10 minutes, but Astarion felt like he had to wait for hours for them to be done.

When they are finally done- he races back into the room and makes sure not a single hair is out of place. Astarion worries that he’ll be a nervous wreck if you are out of his sight for a while and he hopes you understand.

Astarion tidies up your stuff in the corner of your shared room (the couples were finally told they need to get their own lodgings) when he hears you gasp for air before you frantically look around the room as quickly as your exhausted body can from where you are- your limbs and neck figuratively glued to the bed.

You haven’t seen Astarion just yet, but he wants to assume he might be the one you are looking for and he’s right. Your eyes land on him and your lip is trembling as you look at him- tears drenching your cheeks instantaneously.

Astarion drops your armor, hastily gets into the bed, and holds you while leaving gentle kisses on your hairline. You hold onto him like you are afraid you may never see him again. Your hands are weakly twisted into his shirt and he can just barely hear you begging him not to leave you between heavy sobs.

“I’m not going anywhere,” he whispers, “unfortunately for you- I’m never allowing you to leave my sight again, Darling.”

Your laughter comes out as a painful wheeze and Astarion runs circles into your back as you ride out the pain. You snuggle into Astarion’s chest and a sigh of relief escapes your lips. Astarion thinks you may go back to sleep, but then you tense up ever so slightly and he almost misses what you say to him next.

“You didn’t give up on what you wanted for me- did you?” Your voice is small and troubled, “I don’t want to be the thing that kept you from having what you wanted.”

“Yes and no, but not in a bad way,” Astarion says, not wanting you to worry any longer, “I realized that Ascending meant losing myself and you- even if I did bring you back to life as a Spawn, you would have been miserable and unhappy.

“I also realized that my love for you and your love for me is far more valuable to me than all the power in the world. If he could do all of those horrible things to you- what would I be capable of? It just clicked. I realized to Ascend would be to destroy what we have and I wouldn’t be keeping you or me safe- I’d be keeping us captive by selling my soul to Mephistopheles.”

You are so quiet that Astarion thinks you fell asleep, but then he feels your tears begin to stain the fabric of his sleeve.

“I wa- I-,” you are struggling through your tears, “I was so sure I was losing you forever or I was going to be stuck with him forever. I never thought this would be the end result.”

“I, for one, am much happier with this result.”

“Me too,” you smile brightly at him, your voice sounding less retired and rough.

Astarion just takes in your face looking at him, tracing your features with his hands. You are only in your undergarments and lots of medical wrappings due to the amount wounds Cazador had inflicted upon your body.

They must have just cleaned and changed all the wrappings though because the scars that were more superficial are no longer wrapped- just bright red ish purple scars.

The deeper ones on your sides are the ones that had worried Isobel. She had to heal, stitch, heal, and then stitch again before the wound itself finally stayed close. Halsin had been able to cast something to prevent you from waking up during the process and Shadowheart had poured something into your mouth so you wouldn’t feel the pain.

Dame Aylin had shook her head and looked at him.

“After a century or five, it stops weighing on your soul so much- the torture and the pain,” she slowly looks at you, her eyes sad and empathetic, “but that first time? You will never forget that.”

Astarion is probably the only one who knows your Step-dad is a horrible pig, but Astarion had already taken care of that. He also can’t deny that Cazador’s torture is a thousand times worse than anything Bridil could do.

You begin to trace Astarion’s features with your fingers and it jolts him out of his thoughts. Astarion leans in and begins to kiss your lips slowly- taking his time to breathe you in.

There is a question on Astarion’s tongue, but he isn’t sure if he should ask just yet. He wants you to know that he is asking out of readiness and not from a “I thought I almost lost you forever”. Not that he doesn’t want to- he just wants to make sure it’s perfect and not rushed. Astarion has been thinking about this question for a long while now- you are his partner, his best friend, his family.

Astarion has waited for what feels like a lifetime to find someone like you and he wants to spend a whole eternity more with you. He just hopes you’ll say “I do” because Tav Ancunín has a very lovely ring to it.

[vashs-ass]

TRIGGER WARNING // SA

Analysis of Vash and His Assault in Trigun

Now that I’ve finally finished the manga, I want to discuss why I believe the fifth moon incident in Trigun is supposed to represent sexual assault. Apparently this interpretation is somewhat controversial so I’m going to go over how I see it. If you have a different interpretation that’s completely fine, I’m not trying to say one is more correct than the other.

One other thing I will preface this with, is that I do not think Knives canonically SAed Vash. I think the situation is supposed to be metaphor for sexual assault.

So anyways, why do I think it’s supposed to represent sexual assault and not physical assault? In my opinion, Knives’ main objective is not to physically hurt Vash, his goal is to force Vash into preforming non consensual acts.

The symbolism in fifth moon is very heavy handed. This is the first time we see Vash be assaulted. Knives is depicted as completely naked. Yes, there is an explanation for this in the plot but I do think it was a deliberate choice.

Prior to the fifth moon incident, Vash has no memories of what happened at July. This is unusual because Vash does not have a pattern of shutting out distressing events in his life. He’s able to remember his childhood and Rem’s death in great detail. So something about what happened was particularly disturbing and violating to Vash in a way he’d never experienced before. Even Knives notes that this is unusual, apparently expecting the incident would have ‘after effects’ for his brother.

During this initial discussion Vash begins to recall some of the memories of what happened, or rather, what he felt. He describes the feelings surrounding what happened as ‘something horrifyingly sick’.

Now we will get into the meat of things.

The visuals of the actual assault are horrifying. Nightow uses some great body horror to amplify the severity of what is happening to Vash’s body. During this assault, Knives is constantly grabbing at Vash’s body, forcing it to do what he wants. This one particular panel I don’t see talked about much really hit me in the gut, with knives standing naked between Vash’s legs. This is kinda what solidified everything for me.

Knives is almost always seen holding a hand over Vash’s eyes and his heart. This is a very intimate gesture and I think this can have a lot of different reads depending on who you ask. For me covering his eyes further takes away Vash’s control over what’s happening to his body, Knives’ hand clawing at his heart representing his desire to violate Vash’s very being and take it for himself. To possess him. To objectify him.

He asks Vash how it feels, and Vash can be seen sobbing in what I think is emotional agony rather than physical pain. Having this happen to him again seems to have triggered the memories he had tried to burry.

Other people have pointed out that the angel arm can be seen as a phallic symbol. I’m not really sure where I fall on this idea but I thought I’d mention it at least.

I will also point out one more instance of assault after fifth moon because this is not the only time Vash is assaulted by his brother

I think this takes place towards the middle of the manga if I remember correctly. This scene (to me) represents the ‘loss of self’ victims often feel as well as the physical aspect of sexual assault. Knives briefly attempts to force Vash’s body into his. He stabs Vash through his arm, pinning him down in attempt to ‘merge’ Vash with himself. When it doesn’t work he rips it out of Vash which seems to cause him horrific pain.

The fact Vash goes on to use his angel arm to save people later on in the story is very powerful. It was once a reminder of the violations he had endured but he reclaimed it as well as his bodily autonomy.

After this there are a few other more minor instances of Knives violating Vash, but I won’t get into those because I feel I’ve made my point. If you have anything to add I’d love to hear it!

[justagalwhowrites]

Yearling - Ch. 3: Noise

You start getting to know Jackson - and yourself. A continuation of Yearling ch. 1-2 found on Tumblr here.

Pairing: Joel Miller x Female Reader

Warnings: Canon-typical violence. Attempted SA (not completed). No use of Y/N. Minors DNI 18+ Only 

Length: 6.5k 

AO3 | Chapter One | Previous Chapter | Next Chapter

Electricity had a sound. 

You’d never noticed it before but that had to be what it was. The buzzing. 

It felt loud in the small room, a constant whine that made your ears ring. Everything here was loud, it was so fucking loud. The people on the street outside, the sound of the lights and the power humming in the walls, the tick of a clock in the corner. 

Was the world always this fucking loud before? Were you just numb to it before? 

You closed your eyes and crossed your arms tight over your body. You were still in that man’s coat. Your legs were freezing, feet numb. Your fingers were starting to defrost and they hurt but your stomach felt oddly numb. The wetness of your blood was there against your skin but the pain wasn’t there. It should be but it wasn’t. You didn’t know if that was good or bad. 

“You’re a hard woman to keep track of.” 

You jumped back, away from the voice, eyes flying open, arms flying out and hands groping for something - anything - you could use for a weapon. 

“Woah, you’re OK,” there was a woman in front of you. She was older than you - you thought, anyway, you weren’t quite sure what year it was - and she had a gentle, kindly look to her. Her hands were up in front of her, empty except for a pen, a notepad tucked below her arm. “Not going to hurt you, you’re OK.” 

That seemed like bullshit. Everything in this fucking town seemed like bullshit, none of it made any goddamn sense. Your eyes darted but there wasn’t much here. It reminded you of a doctor’s office waiting room. A few couches, a coffee table with some books and old magazines on it - the kind of magazines your mom would put out, not the ones she’d actually read, shit with short stories and pictures of landscapes in it. Nothing you could really use as a weapon. Your best hope would be running. 

You should have just left when you had the fucking horse, you shouldn’t have listened to that man. It didn’t matter that he seemed strangely familiar and safe and beautiful you should have listened to your fucking gut and run, had you learned nothing since the outbreak? You don’t trust people, that’s how you get fucking killed or worse. People were dangerous, people were so fucking dangerous. 

And now you were in a town full of them. 

“Can you talk?” The woman asked, her brows raised, hands still up. 

“Yes I can fuckin’ talk,” you kept backing up until you were flush with the wall behind you. God this was fucking stupid how had you been this goddamn stupid? “Do I look like a moron to you?” 

“Absolutely not,” she said kindly. She was talking to you the way you talked with wild horses. Like she was trying to keep you from lashing out or taking off. “You just seem scared and like you’ve been through a lot. Sometimes people aren’t able or willing to talk after things like that and that’s OK.” 

“I’m fine,” you snapped. “Just need to get out of here…” 

“OK,” she said. “I can help you with that. Let me just take a look at where you’re bleeding and we can get you out of here, sound good?” 

“Why.” 

The woman frowned. 

“Why what?” 

“Why do you want to see where I’m bleedin’,” you asked. You were starting to feel the pain in your stomach. Your head was light, vision fuzzy on the edges. “What do you want with me?” 

“Just want to help you,” she said. “Promise. If you don’t get in bed soon I’m guessing you’re not going to have much say in the matter, you’d lost a lot of blood when you came in and you’re losing more. You’re going to pass out if you’re not careful. So just let me help you, that’s all I want to do.” 

She was right. You knew enough about keeping yourself alive that you knew when you were close to passing out and you weren’t far off from it. You couldn’t stay on your feet much longer, not without help. 

Help this woman was apparently offering. For whatever fucking reason. 

You tried to think of another option but your brain was fuzzy, too. Slow and sluggish, like working your way through the well worn pathways of survival in your head suddenly required swimming through Jell-o. 

But you wouldn’t survive if you tried to run now. Even if no one ran you down, you’d pass out in the snow and freeze in hours at best. That’s assuming no one else got their hands on you first. It was better to give in to whatever these people wanted and escape when you were stronger. Then you’d have a chance at making it. You’d stolen a horse once, you could do it again. And you doubted anything they were going to do to you here was going to be any worse than other shit you’d managed to live through. 

“You can look,” you said, relaxing back from the wall a bit so you were no longer clinging to the wood. 

“Thank you,” she smiled a little. “Come with me? It’ll be easier if you’re in my exam room. I promise, I’m not going to hurt you.” 

You didn’t trust that. You couldn’t afford to trust that. 

But she was probably in her late 60s, smaller than you and definitely weaker. Even injured, you could overpower her. That made it better. 

You didn’t say anything, you just nodded and followed behind her a small room with a padded table in the middle. She set out a step stool and patted the end of it. 

“Can you hop on up for me and lie back?” She asked. You kept your eye on her as you obeyed. You might be in here with this woman but you weren’t about to turn your back on her. The table was cold on your bare legs and you found yourself oddly thankful to the man who’d given you his jacket. You didn’t understand that either. “Just going to…” 

The woman opened the front of the coat and lifted the shirt, making you stiffen. She gingerly touched near your injuries and you tried not to flinch. 

“You pushed it too hard, honey,” she said, smiling a little sadly at you. “I’m going to need to repack these and you need to actually take it easy for a while, OK?” 

You looked back toward the ceiling and didn’t respond. 

“Let me know if something I do hurts too much, we can take a break,” she said, going to a cabinet and coming back with a tray of shiny medical equipment. She set to work around your stomach and your fingers dug into the cuffs of the man’s coat, the wool and leather of it comforting to the touch. “Want to tell me your name? I’m Carol Livingston, the doctor here in Jackson…” 

“What do you want my name for?” You clenched your jaw as you felt her pull something out of you. “What was that?” 

“Gauze,” she held up a wad of bloody fabric in a pair of tiny tongs. “Can’t stitch up a gunshot wound, had to try and make sure we’d cut off the source of major bleeding and then pack it for a bit while it healed. If you don’t do things like climb out a window and take off on a horse, it’s usually pretty effective. And I’d like your name so I know what to call you. Start a file for you since you’re here now, all that.” 

“A file?” You hissed it as she pulls more gauze from you. 

“Sorry honey,” she said. “Almost done. And yes, a file. You’re old enough, you remember before, you must have gone to some doctors, they had records. Going to flush this with water now, stay still for me, OK?” 

“I remember before,” you gritted your teeth and tried to think about something besides what she was doing to you.

“It’s important to have a medical history,” she said, sounding a little distracted. “And to keep track we need a name. Going to put more gauze in now, almost done…” 

It had been years since anyone knew your name. You hadn’t given it to anyone in decades.

The last time had been 2003. September 27, 2003, to be precise. 

Just a few days into the outbreak and you were already disoriented and uncertain about how much time had passed. But the first day was easy to remember. You rode Nike until she was foaming at the mouth, pushing her far harder than you should have. But you didn’t have another choice.

You stopped at a ranch, one that seemed quiet and still now. There were bodies, though. Flies were on them, gaping wounds in their chests and stomachs. One had a bite at their neck like Justin did. 

The ranch was big, one you recognized from the summer tourist season and taking rich people who wanted to pretend they were roughing it on trail rides. There should have been a lot of people here but they were gone. 

You were still quiet, guiding Nike slowly to the paddock, eyes wide open as you waited for someone - something - to come for you. Nothing did. 

You got off Nike for the first time since you’d left home, opening the gate and letting her in. The trough was dry and a horse in the corner lifted its head from where it was grazing to look at you, not paying you much mind. You looked around for a moment and found a water spigot and refilled the trough before pulling the gun from the waistband of your panties. The metal had all but carved a spot in your skin from where you’d been bent over it, clinging to Nike as you fled the chaos and the death. You crept toward the bunkhouse, so like the ones you’d fled hours before, when it was still dark. 

Pickings were slim when it came to clothes. You were the only woman rancher where you’d come from and there had been no women working on your parents’ ranch when you were a girl. You checked a few rooms at the bunk house before you spotted the main house through a window. If there was a woman living here - your best shot at finding pants and boots that fit - it would be there. 

You crept over the open land, gun in front of you and aimed at the ground, the sharpness of the earth snagging on your feet. The main door to the house was open and the table in the entry was overturned, broken glass from what looked like was once a bowl scattered across the ground. You tiptoed around it, hoping you didn’t cut your feet too badly, and went upstairs, whole body tense. 

It didn’t take long to find the bedrooms. There was a teenaged girl living here, one who looked like she was a bit younger than you judging by the posters on the wall and the canopy over her bed, but not much smaller than you. You raided her closet, focusing on things that could be a little tight but would still work - t-shirts and sweatpants. You emptied a backpack that had been tossed in the corner onto her bed and started packing. 

You found the master bedroom next. Thankfully, the rancher was married and his wife was closer to your size than his daughter. Another blessing, this rancher’s wife actually dressed like she lived on a damn ranch unlike your own mother. Her Levis were the same size you wore but a different cut than you usually went for. Her shirts would just about fit, and she had bras that were only a cup size off from your own. You got changed quickly and grabbed extras of everything. Her boots were a size too big, so you grabbed a few pairs of thick socks and layered them before putting them on. Being dressed again was a comfort. You hadn’t realized how vulnerable you’d felt because you’d been half naked, not just because you’d been attacked and everyone seemed to be losing their humanity. 

Next was the kitchen. You grabbed what non-perishables you could fit in the pack - a stash of Poptarts, cans of chili and soup - and gorged yourself on what was left in the fridge. You chugged sodas and peeled hard boiled eggs so fast that you knew you’d eaten some shell, too. You devoured the pears in the basket on the counter and added the apples to your bag before finding a canteen and filling it with water. There was a bottle of Advil in the pantry and you grabbed that, too. You tried turning on the TV in the living room, seeing if there was a news network that had information, but all that was being broadcast was an emergency alert signal, the sound so loud it made your ears ring. It said to stay inside. Like hell you were doing that. 

Overly full and no longer half naked, you made your way back toward the barn to look for tack for Nike. Once she’d had a rest, you planned to get underway again. It might be quiet now but you weren’t counting on it to stay that way. You’d feel better with some distance, at least until all this shit - whatever it was - got figured out. 

Once you were at the barn, you started at the gun safe. Lucky for you, someone had left the door hanging open in the chaos of whatever the fuck had happened the night before. There was just one weapon left - a shot gun - and some ammo. You grabbed all of it and put the ammunition and the handgun into a saddle pack you’d grabbed from the tack room. You loaded the shotgun and tucked it under your arm before you moved on.

You’d just found a saddle that would work well for both you and Nike when you heard the door creak. You spun, whipping the shotgun around into your grip, aiming it at the man standing in the doorway. He threw his hands up and froze. 

“Woah there little girl,” he said. You narrowed your eyes. “Not here to cause you any trouble…” 

“Then get the fuck out,” you said. “Shot two other men today, don’t mind makin’ you the third.” 

“You’re the one in my barn,” he said, still in the door, hands still up. “Takin’ my shit…” 

“This ain’t your ranch,” you looked him up and down. There hadn’t been a bedroom for a young man upstairs and he wasn’t old enough to have a teenaged daughter. 

“No but I work here,” he said. “Think I’m the last one left. Think that makes it mine. You’re not gonna lose your mind on me like everyone else here did, right?” 

“No,” you snapped. “Are you?” 

“Don’t think so,” he said. “But I don’t think they did, either.” 

You lowered your gun slowly, still watching him. He lowered his hands but stayed by the door. 

“That your horse out there?” He asked. “The filly?” 

“She’s mine,” you said. “Couldn’t get her tack before I left, wasn’t safe.” 

“You can take that,” he said, nodding to the saddle that you’d dropped in your haste to defend yourself from him. “Reins, bit and bridle, too. Whatever else you want… She broke enough for you to ride though?” 

You scoffed. 

“She’s dumb broke but I’m the one who got her there,” your fingers twitched on the gun. “Don’t need you fuckin’ her up for me.” 

“Sorry,” he said quickly. “Just never seen a girl rancher before, let alone one who breaks horses…” 

“I’ve been breakin’ horses since I was 13,” you stuck your chin out, defensive. “And I’m a champion bronc rider, too, so I can promise I can stay on the back of an unbroken horse a lot longer than you.” 

“Alright, alright,” he smiled a little. “Not tryin’ to call your expertise into question. I’m Leo, what’s your name?” 

You clenched your jaw for a second. Part of you was telling you to run, even if you didn’t shoot him, at least get the fuck away from him. 

But you were also alone. You’d never been alone this long before. You’d moved straight from your parents house into the bunkhouse. You had your own room but there was always someone just on the other side of the wall, always someone in the barn, always someone else working with a horse or repairing a fence or mucking a stall. You’d never been truly alone, not like this. If this guy hadn’t become an inhuman monster, maybe he never would. Maybe you didn’t have to be alone. 

You gave him your name. He stepped closer. 

“Nice to meet you,” he said. “Like I said, there’s no one else here. Everyone else is dead. Don’t think there’s anyone but you and me for miles. Stay. For a bit. You and I both know your mount needs some rest, not sure where you pushed her from but you pushed her.” 

“You would too if you were in my shoes,” you snapped and then sighed. “But she could use the rest…” 

“I’m just glad to know I ain’t the only person left who wasn’t some flesh eating monster,” he laughed once. “It’ll be good. Promise.” 

It was good, for a day. Nike rested. You and Leo went through all the rooms of the bunkhouse and the main house, taking inventory. You figured the two of you could hold out there for weeks at least while the rest of the world got its shit together. Plenty of time for things to calm down and some new kind of normal set in. You could figure it out from there. 

Your second night there, Leo raided the liquor cabinet at the main house. You recognized the labels from your dad’s own stash, the thick amber liquid in heavy crystal glasses as much a part of his identity as his belt or his hat. Leo poured you a cup and you got drunk around a fire, not far from the horses, the stars bright overhead. 

It felt good. You liked it. Until Leo tried to kiss you. 

“No,” you shoved him back, twisting your body so you could put your boot in his chest if you needed to. “Don’t fuckin’ touch me.” 

“C’mon baby,” he leaned closer but stopped when you gave him a warning look. “You really gonna tell me that I might be the last man on Earth and you’re turnin’ me down?” 

“Could be the last man in the universe and I couldn’t give less of a shit,” you snapped. “If that’s what you want, I’m leavin’.” 

You got up to go but his arms flew out, his eyes wide. 

“No, please!” He was begging, pleading. “Don’t go, please don’t go. I don’t want to be on my own here, I’m sorry I did that, won’t happen again…” 

You looked at him for a moment, eyes narrowed. But he looked sorry. He sounded sorry. And you didn’t want to be alone, either. 

“It better fuckin’ not,” you said, sitting down on the ground again, putting more distance between the two of you. 

He kept his hands to himself until you woke up with his weight on top of you. You could feel him through your jeans, your wrists in his hands holding you to the ground, his mouth by your ear as he moaned your name. 

You shrieked, making him jump, lifting his head enough that you could slam your forehead into his nose. It crushed beneath your skull and he yelped, his hands leaving your wrists and flying to his face as he collapsed next to you. You scrambled away from him, going for the saddlebag and grabbing the pistol from inside it. You aimed it at him, standing over him as he sobbed, holding his face, blood on his fingers. 

“What the fuck?” He was crying, his face red. “Why’d you do that?” 

His voice was thick. 

“Told you not to fucking touch me,” you snapped, panting for breath. Your heart was pounding, you could hear your blood in your ears. You were shockingly sober after all the whiskey you’d had earlier in the night. You aimed the gun at his leg and shot him in the thigh. He screamed. “Lucky I don’t fucking kill you.” 

You grabbed the backpack and tack for Nike, hauling it outside. You kept the gun easily accessible as you saddled her up before going back into the barn for one last check for what you needed. Leo was still on the ground, clutching his leg. You sighed and got the first aid kit off the wall, throwing it at him, before you got the shot gun and some rope from the wall. You tucked the pistol into your jeans, slung the rope on your arm and aimed the shotgun at him as you made your way to the paddock again. 

“I ever see you again, I will shoot you in the head,” you said. “Understand?” 

There was a trail of blood from his nose over his mouth, his chin, staining his shirt. 

“You’re gonna die on your own out there,” he snarled. “And you’re gonna fuckin’ deserve it.” 

“Better than living here with you,” you said, leaving him alone in the barn. You opened the gate and led Nike out before closing it and mounting up, keeping the shotgun accessible.

“C’mon girl,” you gave her ribs a squeeze as you pointed her in the direction of the mountains, away from the place you’d come from. “You and me, let’s go.” 

It was the last time you’d told someone your name. It was the last time you’d heard your name said by anyone who wasn’t you. It felt dangerous, sharing it, but you sometimes said it to yourself the first few years of the outbreak. First, middle, last. Just to make sure it didn’t fade into nothing. 

You hadn’t done that in years. 

But you did then, you said all three to the doctor as she gently put gauze into your body to soak up your blood. 

“See, not so bad to share is it?” She said, smiling gently. She got out more gauze and medical tape and put it over your wounds. “There, you’re all set. Want to see?” 

You nodded and she helped you sit up and got a mirror from a cupboard, holding it in front of your stomach so you could see without needing to bend as much. 

“You were shot twice,” she said, pointing to the spots covered in clean, white gauze. “We were able to make the worst of the bleeding stop and pull the bullets out without opening you up more, which is good. You have some other bumps and bruises but we’re pretty sure there’s no internal bleeding, which was a concern, and no broken bones that we could find evidence of. You’re just still down a lot of blood, hon, so you have to take it easy, OK?” 

Being shot sounded familiar. You knew there was a stretch of time you were missing. You remembered running, Cody helping you get out. You’d been on the run for three days - you thought, anyway - before they caught up with you, the fresh snow giving you away. You didn’t remember much after that. There was pain and red snow and something soft and warm that smelled woodsy and wild, like the coat you still had on. 

There was a knock at the door and you jumped, eyes going wide. The doctor smiled a little and tugged your shirt back down. You pulled the coat back tight around you. 

“Come on in, Maria,” she called, keeping her eyes on you. A woman opened the door, a pile of clothes in her hand. She was about your age, you thought, and pretty. She smiled a little at you. “She’s all set with me but I’d like to keep her here overnight, make sure she hasn’t lost too much blood…” 

“Sure thing, Carol,” Maria said. 

“I’m going to leave you in Maria’s very capable hands,” Carol smiled. “You’re OK now, honey. You’re OK.” 

She got up and left, closing the door softly behind her. You fought the urge to back away from the woman standing next to you now. 

“Hi,” she smiled gently. “I’m Maria. I’m sure you have a lot of questions and I’m here to help you. First thing, you’re safe here. You don’t have to be afraid of me…” 

“Not afraid,” you cut her off. “Just like knowing where I am and that I can leave when I want is all.” 

“Well, you’re in Jackson, Wyoming,” she said. 

You nodded slowly. 

“What part of the state is that in?” You asked. 

“Near the Idaho border, south of Yellowstone,” she replied. You nodded again. Not too far from where you’d been then. That was oddly relieving, knowing they hadn’t taken you that far. “And you can leave whenever you want. We’d just like you to not die when you do so we’d like it if you stayed with us for a little while, at least. You were picked up by one of our patrols a few days ago…” 

“This a QZ?” You asked. “There are a lot of people here…” 

“No,” she laughed a little. “No, we’re not a QZ. We’re a commune, just a few hundred people who have agreed to share the work and the benefits of living together as a community…” 

“So what do you want with me?” You frowned. You still hadn’t gotten a straight answer to that, not one that made sense, anyway. 

“Nothing at all,” she said. Her voice was so calm and even, you wanted to lean into it, to trust her. That alone made your chest tight. “Our patrol didn’t want you to die in the woods and we take care of the people who come here. You’re welcome to stay, if you want. We have houses, clothes, plenty of food. If you stay you’d have to pitch in but no more than anyone else.” 

You narrowed your eyes at her and she laughed. 

“You don’t look like you believe me.” 

“I can’t say I do,” you said. “That doesn’t… people don’t just do that shit, especially not now.” 

She smiled, a little sadly. 

“You were on your own for a while out there, I’m guessing,” she said. She was mostly right so you nodded. “We are an unusual place, I’ll admit that. But we’re good people and we’re proud of what we’ve built here. We won’t hold you prisoner and if you want to go, you can go. But I think you should at least consider sticking around. People aren’t all bad, you just have to find the right ones.” 

“And you think I’m one of the right ones,” you said, still skeptical.

She shrugged. 

“I don’t know yet,” she replied. “But honestly, anyone who tries as hard to live as you did is a good person to have around. And we have plenty of room here. May as well have you take up some of it.” 

You nodded slowly. 

“To start, let’s get you into something that isn’t bloody and a little warmer,” she said, holding out a small pile of clothes. “When was the last time you ate something?” 

“I’m not sure,” you said. “Don’t know how long I was running or how long I was out.” 

Maria nodded. 

“I’ll get you something small to start, see how you do,” she said. “In a day or two, when Carol says you’re up for it, I’ll give you the tour, get you settled into a house. Sound good?” You nodded. “I’ll leave you to it. Try not to hurt yourself getting changed, I’d rather not get on Carol’s bad side.” 

You smiled a little and waited for her to leave before you delicately shrugged out of the coat and peeled off the bloody shirt. She’d brought you a long sleeved t-shirt this time, a little oversized and pale blue. The pants were plaid, the same color blue in part of the pattern. You lay down to slide the shorts off and pull on the clean underwear and pants Maria had brought. Sitting back up took work but you were proud of yourself for getting there. You lifted the shirt and checked to make sure the gauze was still white, no signs of bleeding getting bad again. You shrugged back into the coat and were pulling on thick, wool socks when Maria came back, knocking once before opening the door with food in hand. 

“We’re starting you slow, don’t want to push it according to Carol,” she said. “But I have some soup, half a sandwich, an apple and some water for you. Eat what you can, OK?” You nodded. 

“Any questions for me right now?” 

“When is it?” You asked. She looked at her watch but you cut her off. “Sorry, no, I mean what month is it?” 

“November,” she said. “Early November, Thanksgiving is in three weeks.” 

Thanksgiving. You’d all but forgotten about Thanksgiving.

“What year?” You asked, brows raised, fingernails digging into your leg. 

“It’s 2025,” she said.

You tried to hide your surprise at that but it didn’t go well. 

“What?” She asked. 

“I’m younger than I thought I was,” you replied. It felt like you’d been with them for longer than that but apparently not. “Not that it really matters.” 

“You can say you’re even younger if you want,” she smiled a little. “Beauty of the apocalypse, no one is going to check your birth certificate. Just be 22 forever.” 

You laughed at that, hard enough that you felt the wounds at your stomach pull and you winced. 

“Sorry,” she said. “I’ll try to not be too funny. Anything else?” 

“Yeah,” you gripped the edge of the table. “Could you hand me that mirror? The one on the counter? I just… haven’t seen myself in a while.” 

“Sure,” she smiled tightly again and handed you the mirror, face down, before heading for the door. “I’ll see you again soon, OK?” 

You nodded and she closed the door behind her. 

It only took a few seconds before you could hear what felt like everything again. The room was tinged pink, the sun setting outside, and the electricity was buzzing. You lifted the mirror slowly and held it in front of yourself with your eyes closed for a second before you took a deep breath and opened them. 

Recognizing your own face was a shock. It seemed like, after everything, you should look different now. And part of you did. You were bruised and there was a cut on your cheek and you thought the signs of creases next to your eyes were more obvious now than they had been the last time you saw yourself. Your hair was starting to streak with gray. But your eyes were still your eyes. So were your teeth, your nose, your eyebrows. You were still you. You still looked like you. It was disorienting. It was comforting. You set the mirror down before you ate the food Maria brought you, suddenly starving but just a few bites feeling heavy in your empty stomach. 

Eventually, Carol came back and brought you to the room you first woke up in. The bed had been made with fresh sheets. 

“Here,” she smiled gently. “Why don’t I take that coat…” 

“No,” you said quickly, wrapping your arms tightly around yourself. She frowned. “No, I… I want to hold onto it, if that’s OK.” 

“Not going to try to run on us again are you?” She asked, brows drawn together. “Because…” 

“No,” you cut her off. “I just… it’s warm, I like it. I want to keep it. For now.” 

She looked at you, like she didn’t believe you. Which she shouldn’t. You didn’t want to keep it because you were cold or because you wanted to run. You wanted to keep it because it felt good. It smelled right. Your fingers tightened on the cuffs. You didn’t remember much about coming here the first time. All you really knew was because of this coat. The man had given it to you and when it settled over your body, the collar brushing your nose, the smell of it brought back a memory you didn’t know you had. One where you were warm and in a daze and swaying on the back of a horse with something broad and warm at your back. Safe. You liked safe. You needed the coat. 

“OK,” she said. “If you need a bathroom, there’s one right through that door there. I’ll be right out here if you need anything.” 

You waited until she closed the door before you crawled in bed. It was dark outside now but you knew it couldn’t be too late. Even so, you were exhausted, and you somehow felt safe enough to close your eyes and rest. 

*** 

“That girl is not sticking around,” Maria said as Joel sat beside Tommy in the mess hall at dinner. 

“Who isn’t?” He asked. 

“That woman you brought in from outside,” she replied. “She is skittish as hell, seemed fucking terrified…” 

“After seeing what she did to the men out there, we should be thankful she’s just skittish,” Joel said, starting in on his meatloaf. 

“What’d she do?” She frowned, looking to her husband. Tommy winced, bouncing his son on his leg. 

“Well, now, see, I didn’t want to worry you…” 

“Tommy,” she said in a warning tone. 

He sighed. 

“Well we found the other guys first,” he said. “One was just shot, nothing bad…” 

“OK…” she said slowly. 

“The other,” he sighed. “Well she’d damn near scratched his face off with her bare hands.” 

She startled back from him. 

“You didn’t think this was an important piece of information for us to know before we offered her a place to stay with us?” She asked. “Before you brought her into our community?” 

“Guy deserved it,” Joel said. Maria narrowed her eyes at him and he shrugged. “Well, he did. Did you look at her at all? Got the shit beat out of her. Looked like she’d been tied up, someone fuckin’ branded her….” 

“Jesus,” Maria shook her head. “Can’t say I looked too close, no. Too busy trying to keep her from taking off on me.” 

“Sure the fuckers we found deserved it,” Joel said. “We won’t give her a reason to do that to us so we’ll be fine…” 

He couldn’t be sure of that, of course. He didn’t know you, not really. But he felt like he did. Looking at you, it felt like he knew you. 

“Well it’s a moot point,” she said after a moment. “She’s taking off as soon as she’s able, mark my words. She’s terrified of this place.” 

Joel didn’t bother to respond. He knew what that felt like, coming into a place like this when you were used to something so different. It had been scary for him and he’d come here of his own volition. He’d known someone here. 

You were different. Of course you were terrified. 

Tommy and Maria left to go back home before he did and Joel sat there, watching for Ellie to come in with her friends. She usually did, about half way through dinner. If she came in the right door, he’d sometimes hear her laugh. That was worth sitting there for a bit. More than worth sitting there for a bit. That girl, her life, her happiness were worth a lot of things. He could justify damn near anything for her. 

But Ellie came in the door further from where he was sitting that night and he didn’t hear her laugh. She saw him watching her and shot him a glare as she crossed the mess hall. A warning message, of sorts.

“I’ll go back, but we’re done.” 

That’s what she’d said to him. She’d meant it. And that was OK. She was alive so he could live with that. But at least this way he got to see her. Even if it was just for a second. Even if she hated him through it. 

He was gone before Ellie and her friends were looking for a place to sit. 

It was cold out, without his coat. He stuffed his hands in his pockets, thumbs hooked on his belt loops. Going home sounded lonely. Lonelier than usual. He didn’t want to go bother Tommy and Maria, they had enough going on with a toddler at home. Getting a drink at the Tipsy Bison sounded miserable. 

There was one thing he felt like doing. It was just a bad idea. So Joel just walked for a bit, wandering aimlessly through the town, letting the cold bite at his exposed skin. But he kept finding himself back in front of the clinic, the light on in the front room. 

It couldn’t hurt anything, right? Just… he could check. Just check. 

Carol smiled when he opened the door slowly, the hinges creaking. 

“I can take a look at that for you,” he said, closing the door behind him. 

“Just a squeaky door,” she said. “Nothing much to worry about fixing. Can I do something for you?” 

“No,” he shook his head for a second, looking at the ground and cupping the back of his neck before he could bring himself to look her in the eye again. “I just… was hoping to check up on the woman I brought in. Make sure she’s alright. You know.” 

She smiled a little wider and shook her head once. 

“She’ll be fine,” she replied. “Just keeping her here tonight because she lost a lot of blood. But, as you know, she was up and about plenty today. She just needs to give herself a chance to heal before she tries to crawl out a window and take off on a horse again.” 

Joel laughed once at that. 

“Yeah, I’d say so,” he said. 

“I’m afraid I can’t give you your coat back, though,” she said. Joel frowned. “She’s still wearing it. Wouldn’t let me take it. I think you might need to go find a new one, Mr. Miller. I don’t think she’s giving it up.” 

“Oh,” he said. “That’s fine she… she can keep it.” 

He turned to leave before he stopped in the doorway. 

“Don’t tell her I came by,” he said. “Don’t want to freak her out.” 

“Sure,” she smiled a little. He nodded. “Have a good night, Joel.” 

“You too.” 

The night was still biting and cold but he felt a little better, walking home in it as he looked at the clinic window as he passed, the one he knew you were just on the other side of, wrapped in his coat because you didn’t want to give it back. 

He was still warm when he got home. 

Next Chapter

A/N: I'm so sorry this update has taken so long! I wanted to finish up Beskar Doll before I fully dedicated myself to Yearling and now I can settle into a comfortable writing space with this fic which I am so excited for.

Bambi has officially landed in Jackson and Joel has taken notice. I love that for him.

I'm also really enjoying this softer Joel compared to Lavender Joel. It's interesting to write the same character who is in such a different place in his emotional journey and I can't wait to explore both of them further! I hope you enjoy the ride as we do :)

I do have a taglist. Please comment below if you'd like to be added!

Thank you for reading! Love you!!

Taglist: @ashleymsnodgrass@planet-marz1@kalea-bane @juneswonderlust@ilovepedro @h-annahayy @starstruckmusiciansartghost@beccerjune@mumma-moonchild@netonetoneto@mellymbee@purplelye@n7cje@flugazi@evyiione@randomhoex@aliengirl99

[toomanyfandoms-notenoughfics]

Celestial Beings

Chapter Two: Talking it Out

Characters: Reader, Molly Weasley, Remus Lupin, Sirius Black

Summary: After many, many days of dealing with Moody's visits, (y/n) get two new visitors, who seem to be much much nicer.

Word Count: 2,285

Warnings: Torture Mention, SA Mention (it's mostly glossed over, no major details), Child Abuse Mention

A/N: Just in case I forgot to mention previously, this is not completely canon-compliant. I also have made Moody more of an a-hole, if anyone wants to know my thought process on that matter go ahead in send in a quick ask. Actually, feel free to send in an ask about anything, I would love to answer! I'm enjoying writing this, and I hope that at least some people are enjoying reading this.

Torture and pain were nothing new to (y/n), actually, it rather reminded her of home. She wasn’t sure how long she had been in the small room, nor how many times she’d had her “visits” with Moody. They rarely lasted longer than a few hours. The longest time, from what little sense of it she had, was somewhere around 8 hours.

Speaking of home, she missed it quite a bit. Malfoy Manor was a lot more cruel on the inside than most people could even guess. Not particularly any fault of Mrs. Malfoy or Draco, but rather Lucius. The head of the household, and loyal follower of her father, obeyed any and every command given. Of course, most of those orders were on how to best “raise and properly train” (y/n), which typically involved some form of torture.

(Y/n) of course, followed along as well, it was easier than dealing with the consequences. Out of everything, waterboarding was the worst. Followed closely behind spending any nights with a few perverted men, less as a consequence, more so as a reward for their loyalty to You-Know-Who. She had the scars to prove the ordeals she went through, as much as she would prefer to forget.

Even though she acted nonchalant about it all, she was still a person. She just couldn’t afford to be seen that way. In her opinion, it was better to be seen as an object or a weapon, a mere pawn on a chessboard. Then at least she herself could pretend to have no weaknesses, no breaking point. She preferred that people believed the rumors and lies, that she was as deadly as her father and as crazed as Bellatrix Lestrange.

Mrs.Weasley opened the cell door, a tired look on her face and a plate in hand. She gave (y/n) a sad smile as she set it down near the entrance.

“Couldn’t you just give him something to go off of?” Mrs. Weasley pleaded with her. “Anything so you could have a break from it all? You look downright awful, I’m worried for you.”

“What could I give him that he would believe?” (Y/n) asked, slowly grabbing the sandwich from the plate and taking a bite. “After all, I imagine it’s been at least a few weeks if not a month or so? I haven’t uttered a single thing he’s believed, including that his curses and beatings won’t work. I’m used to it, it’s what I’ve been molded to be.”

“What about something small, something that no one knows about, well You-Know-Who?” Mrs. Weasley tries, leaning against the door frame. “From what I’ve gathered he hasn’t exactly been the most caring of-”

“Don’t.” (Y/n) said flatly, meeting the older woman’s eyes. “Truly don’t go there. He cares, just in his own way.”

Mrs. Weasley is quiet after that, unsure as to what to say. She sighs, picking up the plate and turning to leave. Once the door was shut (y/n) sits back against the cold wall, no longer having the appetite for her sandwich.

“He does care. I just don’t know if it’s about me or the results I give him.” she gathers up the blanket, draping it over her legs. “No, he cares about me, what father wouldn’t care about their children? Even Lucius cares about Draco, and he doesn’t care about much else than impressing my father.” (Y/n) sat in the dark, with nothing but her own thoughts to keep her company and the occasional bug scurrying across the floor.

This time when the door opened it was someone (y/n) had not seen before. Or rather two someones she hadn’t seen. Both men were tall, one with dark, long curly hair and the other with light brown, short-combed hair. (Y/n) recognized one of them as Sirius Black, the first person to escape Azkaban prison. The other took her a few seconds to place, it wasn’t until the light hit his face, revealing the scars that she knew it was Remus Lupin, a werewolf known to be heavily against her father.

“Well, isn’t this a treat?” She said, slowly getting to her feet. “A blood-traitor and a half-breed? What did I do to have you grace my presence?” Remus flinched at the mention of half-breed.

“I came down here to see who could possibly have Moody stumped,” Sirius growled, stepping in front of Remus ever so slightly. “Imagine my surprise when I see you’re nothing more than another idiot, too stubborn and ignorant for your own good.”

“I’m the idiot?” (Y/n) laughed. “Am I the one torturing the same person the same 20 ways over and over in the hopes something will give? No, I’m the one who is with-standing it because the consequences of giving in are worse than dealing with a little more pain.”

“What could be worse than everything Moody has put you through?” Remus mused. “He’s told us some of what he’s done, none of which we agreed with. The real reason we’re down here is because we took a vote.”

“A vote?” She took a step back, unsure now of the situation she was in. “A vote for what? Who gets first dibs?”

“What?” Sirius looked taken aback, holding up his hands innocently. “No, we took a vote over if Moody should be down here with you anymore.”

“We decided against it. You don’t have to deal with him anymore.” Remus conjured up a lantern and hung it on the ceiling. “From now on we’re just going to talk.”

“So we’ve moved on from physical torture to psychological, understood.” (Y/n)’s shoulder relaxed slightly. “I can handle that too.”

“No, no, no. I think you’re still not understanding.” Remus smiled, looking at Sirius. “That’s all we’re going to do from now on. Sirius has enlightened us on what you’ve probably grown used to growing up.”

“Enlightened? What would he know about any of that?” she sneered, feeling even more vulnerable than before. Somehow talking seemed more daunting than hours of Cruciatous curses and water-boarding.

“You’re forgetting what family I, regrettably, belong to,” Sirius grumbled, shutting the door. “I have a feeling your upbringing was at least somewhat similar to my own, if not worse. Your father seems to pay you the same amount of care my mother gave me, which is to say nothing unless you are their perfect doll.”

“I don’t know what you could possibly be-”

“Don’t lie, it doesn’t suit you.” Sirius glared at her, arms crossed. “Besides, you can give everyone else the whole “He cares for me, just in a different way” b.s. like you gave Molly, but it won’t work on me. I tried that too, now I realize how bloody wrong I was.”

“Sirius, we came to talk, not to therapise,” Remus warned, putting his hand on Sirius’s chest. “How about we start small, like cornish pixie small?” he glanced at (y/n) almost asking her for permission.

“Right, apologies.” Sirius took a deep breath. “Let’s just start small, right?” Remus dropped his hand and turned back to (y/n).

“I don’t see what actual choice I have,” (Y/n) sat down on top of her sleeping bag, bringing her knees to her chest. “What’s the rules then?”

“No rules, just talk.” Remus once again said, conjuring up some wooden chairs. “Would you like a chair as well, or are you okay there?”

“I’m fine.” (Y/n) watched as the two men sat down. “So, what would you like to talk about? The weather? To me, it seems the same every day to me.”

“Funny,” Sirius rolled his eyes. “But, to be completely honest I haven’t a clue.”

“What’s your favorite color?” Remus asks. “I prefer blue myself.”

“I like gold a lot,” Sirius mutters, still seemingly uninterested in the conversation. “It’s one of the few colors I can see both in my animagus form and human form.”

“It may seem cliche, but I like green.” (Y/n) admits after sitting in silence for a moment. “Not any green though, I enjoy deep greens, phthalo green is a good one, and so is forest green, and juniper.”

“You seem to know quite a bit about different shades of greens, is there any particular reason?” Sirius asked, sitting up more in his chair.

“Not really, it just comes in handy when it comes to potions and herbology.” she shrugged. The three of them were silent for a moment. “So, did either of you ever, um, I don’t know, did either of you ever find a way to sneak into the headmaster’s quarters? Because I did, plenty of times.”

“And you never tried to kill him for your dad?” Sirius seemed confused. “I feel like if you wanted his approval as bad as you seem to, you would’ve, well you know.”

“Answer my question first and then I’ll answer yours.” (Y/n) responded. “Have either of you snuck into Dumbledore’s quarters?”

“I, well, I tried to once, but not while I was still at the school,” Sirius smiled to himself. “It was after I escaped prison. I snuck into the castle looking for Peter and saw a rat head that way. Turned out to be a normal rat.”

“I never really even thought of the idea. I mean, he’s someone I imagine has a lot of security and spells cast around him to protect him from that sort of thing.” Remus admitted. “Your turn, answer Sirius’s question.”

“No, I never tried to kill him.” (Y/n) smirks. “The idea is quite intriguing though. Could you imagine how funny it’d be, if the daughter of the all and powerful Dark Lord, age 13, manages to murder the one person he fears above all else? Besides I liked school.”

“Why did you sneak in then?” Remus prodded, leaning forwards, studying her as she toyed with her fingers. “If not to kill Dumbledore, why bother?”

“To be completely and totally honest? I wanted to be the best at potions, and Dumbledore just so happened to be very close friends with a certain Nicholas Flammel. In order to be able to make a Philosopher’s Stone one would have to excel in both alchemy and potion-making.” she stood up, leaning against the wall. “He had a portrait of him in there, I would sneak in, ask him a million and one questions about potions, and then by the next time I came back I had tested and confirmed what he told me. I took great joy in Snape watching me get better at his own craft than he was.”

Sirius let out a gruff chuckle, which soon became a hollering laugh. Even Remus couldn’t contain himself, joining in with his own chorus of giggles. (Y/n) didn’t quite understand what was so funny, but watching the two of them laugh as hard as they were made her let out a giggle or two. The three of them talked, just talked for a time.

When the knock came at the door (y/n) stiffened, eyeing Sirius as he opened it. Much to her relief, it was Mrs. Weasley bringing dinner along with a small pillow. Sirius thanked her, taking the food from her arms and holding it out to (y/n), offering it to her. She cautiously took it, careful to not get too close as she retreated to her corner of the cell. Mrs. Weasley smiled and held up the pillow.

“It’s not much, but it’s better than what Alastor was giving you.” The older woman set it next to the door. “Whenever you’re ready for it you can grab it. No rush, dear.”

(Y/n) nodded, whispering a small thank you under her breath as Mrs.Weasley left. The soup and bread she had been given more than filled her up. Remus and Sirius continued talking to one another as she ate, everyone now slightly more comfortable with each other.

“I have to admit, she makes good food. Great food actually, Mrs. Malfoy has never been adept in the kitchen department, nor has anyone she’s hired either.” (Y/n) told them, licking the sides of the bowl as she finished her soup. “And as enjoyable as this has been today, I do have a serious question to pose.”

“What question?” Remus asked, stiffening in his seat. Sirius’s eyes seemed to darken as he looked at her as if he was ready to pounce if needed.

“Well, if I’m not to be tortured or forced to divulge any information, what do you expect to do with me then?” setting down the bowl she met their eyes. “You can’t possibly keep me in here forever, but you also can’t just let me out of here either. Which leaves very little option other than killing me or me somehow escaping and taking as many of you with me as I can.”

The men look both shocked and hurt, perhaps a dash of anger in Sirius’s eyes. Neither of them says a thing as they stand up and walk towards the door. (Y/n) smiles at them, pushing their now empty plate and bowl towards them.

“It’s only a matter of time as to which happens first. Personally, I’ve accepted dying in here. No resources will be wasted on a rescue for me, nor will there be anyone to mourn me. I suggest you make the decision soon before I find a way to slaughter the lot of you in your sleep.” she threatens, meeting Remus’s gaze. “Because you were right, Dumbledore does have plenty of security in his quarters, much more so than the barrier spells that get weaker day by day in here.”

~~{𝘌𝘯𝘥 𝘰𝘧 𝘊𝘩𝘢𝘱𝘵𝘦𝘳 𝘛𝘸𝘰}~~

[littlemissmarvelous]

Ruins

WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!

If you have any sort of triggers regarding SA or have PTSD DO NOT READ.

I went through something a few years ago and I’ve been plagued with it a lot recently and so I tried to write it out to relieve my PTSD.

Your skin felt grimy.

Bile was in your throat threatening to spill from your mouth.

Your heart lies within your stomach in pieces.

The trip home from the solo mission was full of you not facing the reality of the situation. What they did. Even at the thought of them, the tears sting your eyes and your chest is tight and all of a sudden you can feel every single forced touch.

You rushed to your room as soon as your jet landed, disarming and stripping yourself of your blood soaked clothes. You’re numb as you subconsciously drag yourself into the bathroom and turn on the tub to watch the hot water rise. Sinking into it, you feel your muscles relax but your insides are still a mess. Your eyes travel to your skin and it’s like their fingerprints are everywhere painting your skin.

next thing you know your skin is red and raw and you’re holding the loofah. you shudder as tears stream down your face silently.

you find your face in the mirror in front of you, a stranger stares right back.

Days blend together as you find yourself staying in your room rather than visiting with the team but you can’t seem to care if they noticed. You couldn’t find yourself caring about anything lately really. Steve noticed this and took you off missions to see if he could maybe get a reaction out of you. To his dismay, you simply shrugged and retreated right back to your room. Him and Nat shared concerned glances with each other and Bucky stared after you with concern. You hadn’t spoken much about the mission, just simply handed them the drive and muttered, “mission complete”.

The break from missions gave you even more time to fall deeper into the hole you were digging yourself and you were too tired to stop yourself. You were a stranger to yourself and now your friends. The eyes in the mirror were not your own, but the pain they held was all that was left of you. Your knives stayed in their sheaths, your books in the shelf, your pen and journal in their drawer. A ghost has began to reside where you once did as more and more of yourself died.

How many days had passed? was it weeks? you weren’t sure. it was all a blur as you walked mindlessly through the tower. Eyes fell upon you and you knew they were curious but you couldn’t open your mouth to explain why.

you weren’t ready yet.

would you ever be?

You’re making yourself coffee when he says your name.

“Y/n.” Steve says sternly.

Your grip tightens on your mug but you do not turn. “Yes Steve?”

“what is going on with you lately? what’s wrong with you?” He asks and you know he’s frustrated. You have to remind yourself he doesn’t know.

“i’m fine.” you simply reply and give your signature shrug.

This however made steve MAD.

“Fine?! You were barely training, your missions became sloppy, you haven’t been talking to any of your teammates! You could have gotten yourself or any one of us killed on those missions if you had gone, you weren’t even trying at training!”

you know he wants a rise out of you. you know he wants you to show that you care but you’re so numb that you simply stand their and take his rant. He was right. Nat is staring at you worried from the couch and Bucky finds himself gravitating towards you to comfort you.

“Seriously y/n, do you not even care? about us? about being an avenger? Maybe we made a mistake making you one of us. Maybe you don’t belong here.” Steve seethes.

The last straw inside you breaks.

“I was FUCKING RAPED STEVE! Is that what you wanted to hear?!” You explode and he stares at you in shock, eyes wide. “Did you want me to tell you how they forced themselves upon me and i can’t get the disgusting feeling of their hands off my skin? or how they cut my skin if I tried to fight back? Or maybe you wanted to hear how they loved when I screamed in pain until I was sobbing? Or MAYBE you wanted me to tell you how i can’t even fucking look in the mirror anymore without seeing how utterly broken I am. Is that it? is that enough of a fucking reaction that you wanted out of me?” Your chest is heaving and your cheeks are wet with tears, the room silent after your outburst.

It’s then you realize just how many people now know happened to you. You quickly turn to run out of the room, only to slam into Bucky.

“Doll i’m so-“he begins.

“just leave me ALONE!” you yell and let your feet carry you to your room where you immediately shut and lock the door before screaming your lungs out.

The truth was out. they knew how dirty you were. How disgraced and disgusting you felt. Broken. Useless.

Your scream echoed so loud you’re sure the whole compound could hear it.

There’s a knock at your door and you freeze. No no no, you weren’t ready for this yet. The pity was not something you wanted to experience right now.

“Y/N, it’s me, Nat.” Her voice travels through the door, “I know you might not want to talk to us but I just want you to listen to me for a little bit okay? can I come in?”

Your brain screamed at you to not let her in. Solitude will heal, it yelled. Nobody wants to hear about what happened. What were you supposed to say anyways? How weak you were? You couldn’t hear anyone tell you how this was your fault…it would surely break whatever you had left. You cover your mouth as a sob escapes your mouth and your heart clenches in pain.

“I can’t. I can’t.”

You hope she hears the whimpers because you can’t find it in you to speak anymore. Sinking down to the floor you let silent tears stream down your cheeks as you heard her steps take her body away from your door. You hated that you were pushing away your best friend but you couldn’t let anyone near you, get close to you. Not yet.

Two days later another knock at the door.

“Go away, please…” you call.

“Y/n? It’s Dr. Cho…I need to examine you, if that’s okay. I want to make sure you don’t have any lasting injuries from…the incident. It’s just me.”

You squeeze your eyes shut and take a deep breath before dragging yourself to your door and opening it a crack. “You promise you’re alone?”

Helen nods with a warm small smile and you step to the side and open the door more to let her in, closing the door and locking it after she passes you.

She sets her medical back on your chair and looks around to see the best place to examine you and you’re suddenly aware your room was a catastrophe. You hang your head in embarrassment and apologize quickly, “I’m sorry for the mess Helen…it’s been a rough few days.”

She shakes her head and reassures you, “It’s okay, how about we clear off a space on the bed and set up there?”

You simply nod and quickly strip the bed of the excess mess so Helen can lay out what she needed. She softly tells you to strip down from the waist down, not trying to upset you. Your hands shakily strip and take the sheet from the doctor hands that she offers you.

“Just lay back and relax okay? I will be as quick as I can.”

You nod and close your eyes as she begins the exam, tears silently starting to leak out as you realize she is going to know the full extent of what happened. The damage. Ten minutes later she hands you your bottoms back and writes a few things down before facing you again. Her eyes were sad as she grabbed your hand.

“I am so sorry that this happened to you, y/n. I can’t imagine what you’re going through. I’m going to leave a card for a really great therapist, okay? Use it only when you’re ready.”

I nod at her words, unable to find enough air in my lungs to form words. Her caring words just made you want to cry more, made it more real. You find yourself staring into space as her figure disappears and you hear your door close. Mumbled voices on the other side of the door, one you recognized distinctly as bucky.

“Please Helen, how is she? Can I see her?” He begs.

Helen shakes her head. “No, I’m afraid you can’t Sergeant Barnes. She needs space and time to heal, and to be frank…I don’t think she wants any…male attention right now.”

Turning her head to Tony who stood a few feet away with his eyes glued to the floor and hands in his pocket. “Tony, can I speak to you and Dr. Banner alone?”

Tony simply nods and sends a quick text to Bruce to let him know to meet them in his office. Once gathered, Helen shut the door, locked it, and turned to the two men. Before she could speak Tony interrupts, “before you start… I think it’s best Nat be in attendance. If this is about y/n, then another woman should be present so she can be more helpful.”

Helen nods and unlocks the door, opening it to see Nat already standing there. Giving here a sad subtle smile, Nat walks In and Helen locks the door once again. Now facing the three she took a deep breath and closed her eyes as she spoke, “After further examination of Agent (y/l/n), it’s come to my attention that her injuries were far more severe than I thought.”

“How bad?” Nat asks shakily.

When Helen’s eyes open, they’re full of tears. “I don’t want to go into exact details but the damage done was significantly extensive. The scarring is…immense. I could potentially help heal with the cradle but she is no where near ready for that. I’m afraid her mind is what took the most damage. I left her Doctor Raynors card for her but I’m not sure when or if she’s going to be up to it.”

Tony sighs and let’s his face fall into his hands. “So what do we do now?”

“Now you just let her know you’re there and wait for her to be ready. Dr. Banner you should run routine check ups on her, her nutrition is below what I would like for her. Agent Romanoff can help you with that,” She turned to face Nat, “You’re one of the only women here so you are going to be better at getting close to her than anyone else. She’s going to need you.”

Nat nods as tears slowly paint her cheeks and nails dig into her palms. Bruce places a hand on her back in comfort while he tries to keep his own cool.

After Helen leaves and it’s just the three remaining, a angsty silence fills the room. They knew this wasn’t going to be easy, but their hurting hearts wanted to save you from the abyss that was swallowing you whole.

One week passed.

Nat knocked every day, no answer. Friday ran a health check as best she could. Bucky slept on the floor just outside your door just in case you needed him.

Two weeks passed.

Nat knocked every day, no answer. Friday kept running health checks as best she could. Buckys back was feeling it from the sleeping on the floor. But it was worth it if you might need him. Even if you hadn’t called for him.

The third week came.

Nat knocked every day.

It was a Wednesday when you finally opened the door. Nat had to keep her face from falling at the sight of you. Face pale, eyes dead with bags under them from no sleep, and she could tell you had lost weight in an alarming way.

Smiling weakly you say, “Hey Nat. Come in.”

You open the door wider and step to the side to let her past. As you do your eyes find bucky on the floor and your heart aches but you can’t bring yourself to call to him. Not yet.

Closing the door behind you, you sigh and turn to face her. “I know it probably is a mess in here for you and I look terrible I really apologize.”

Nats voice trembles as she asks, “can I hug you? Is that okay?”

Your face pales even more but you nod with a gulp and the next thing you knew the redheads arms were encasing your frame.

“Don’t ever apologize for anything, okay? If anything I’m sorry you had to go through all of it. I know you know that I understand what you went through more than anyone else here. So I want you to know that I’m here throughout it all, okay? You aren’t alone in this. You never have to be alone again.” Her tears are wetting your shirt as she speaks just like you know you’re now wetting hers.

Sobs wrack your body as you cling to your best friend for dear life. “No matter what I do I keep seeing it. Feeling it. I can’t escape it! I feel their touches like they were burned into my skin and it makes me sick…and scared. I wasn’t strong enough to stop them, they kept telling me I was weak over and over. And you know what? They’re right. I couldn’t protect myself. What good am I to the team at that point?”

Her arms grip you tighter at your words, holding your shaking body as the sobs kept coming before leaning back to be able to grab your face to force you to meet her eyes. “You are the best teammate we have, do you understand me? This is not your fault and it doesn’t say anything about who you are or what you can do. This does not define you. Ask anyone, y/n, they will tell you that you’re the most kind, skilled, and strongest agent we have. They were the weak ones, not you. Do not forget that…Please don’t forget that.”

You simply close your eyes as more tears cascade down your now rosy cheeks. “I just don’t know what I did to deserve this. I keep asking myself why over and over and I just…I can’t.”

“Some people are just evil. The world unfortunately holds some truly vile people who want to steal your light. But you can’t let them win. And if you need any help keeping that light alive then please do not hesitate to come to me or anyone here. Please.” Nats begging at this point and you can’t help but sob more at your incredibly supportive friend. You were so grateful, the shame you felt melting away as you finally had someone who understood and supported you in a way none else ever could.

“I love you, Nat. You really are my best friend.” You sniffle as you admit with a small smile. It felt good to smile for once.

“I love you too, kid. You already know you’re my best friend too,” Nat admits with a matching smile before continuing, “I just have to ask though…you do have a massive super soldier sleeping outside of your room the past few weeks that has been worried sick…are you ready to see him? If not it’s okay and I’ll tell him. We don’t want you to be uncomfortable.”

At the mention of bucky your heart squeezed tightly and you swear you almost lose all the air in your lungs. You hadn’t had even processed that yet! How he would react was your biggest concern. Would he hate you? Would he be disgusted? Would he break up with you?

Sensing your distress Nats eyes go wide as she exclaimed, “it’s okay! I’ll tell him no. Y/n I swear it’s okay.”

You shook your head despite the anxiety that had consumed you. “No, no I need to talk to him. It’s okay. Please send him in.”

She nods and replies, “okay , just holler if you change your mind okay?”

You nod and watch as she walks to the door and steps out. A bunch of murmurs before your hear him loudly get up quickly and rush into the doorway of your room.

You stood with your arms around your torso in attempt to hold yourself together as you felt his gaze go over you. Eyes glued to the ground, your breaths were ragged as the silence plagued the air.

“Doll…”Bucky calls out, his voice heavy with emotion but raspy from sleep.

At the sound of his voice you break into a whole new level of sobs. Rushing to your side he reaches out and almost touches your skin, but instantly realizes before yanking them back.

Your brain automatically channels this as him being disgusted by you which fuels your sobs even more. “I’m so sorry,” you cry out, “I’m so fucking sorry. You think I’m revolting.”

What? Bucky thinks to himself. He couldn’t believe those words left your mouth. Tears pooled in his eyes and he let out a ragged breath before saying, “please don’t say that, doll. You have no reason to be sorry. This isn’t your fault. Do you hear me?” He takes a careful step closer to you to bring himself within arms distance between you. “This isn’t your fault. It never has been.”

Your arms wrap tighter around your torso like you’re trying to keep the pieces together and to prevent him from seeing that if you let go, you’d fall to pieces all over the hardwood floor beneath your feet. Your chest is tight as you try to contain your sobs but they continue to rip you apart piece by piece. “They ruined me for you, bucky. I can’t…you won’t want me anymore.” You cry.

His tears are now waterfalls upon his cheeks as his heart is being torn to shreds at your words. “No, no, no… please don’t talk like that. I will never not want you…can I…can I hold you?”

You’re unsure but find yourself nodding. It was difficult at first but as his arms wrapped around you and held you close it felt like glue was being poured within your cracks and your wounds were temporarily numbed.

“You are the most important thing in my life. Compared to you, the missions, the job, heck even the world are nothing. Meaningless to me because if I didnt have you I can promise you I would be the most miserable man in the universe. What happened to you was traumatic and terrible and I am so incredibly sorry I wasn’t able to protect you this time. But that doesn’t make you any less beautiful, any less amazing, any less perfect to me…” leaning back, he put a finger underneath your Chin to raise your eyes to his, “I love you and I will love you forever, through every timeline that exists. It will always be you. So please understand that no matter what happens, you are my person and I’m here for it all. The bad, the good, the ugly. I promise I will be here to help you through this is the ways that I can and give you whatever space you need when you need it.”

His words found home in you as your arms released your middle and inch by inch encircled his before squeezing him tight. No words were spoken for a while as you simply held each other and cried.

A while later you both sat on the floor by your bed side by side in silence. It was comforting and simply something you didn’t know you needed from him until now.

Turning your head to him you say , “I’ve been told we are going to share the same therapist these days.”

Bucky turned his head to look at you and smiles, “I’m glad you’re taking up the offer. I’m proud of you. She might be a pain in the ass for you though.”

You raise your eyebrow, “more than you?”

Bucky rolls his eyes and wraps an arm around your shoulder to pull you close. “I’ll take being a pain in your ass any day. My favorite job.”

You shake your head with a small smile. You didn’t know how you were going to heal from this but you know that between Nat, Bucky, and the others…you would get there one day. You weren’t alone.

[genericpuff]

I reread episode 24 of LO after having dropped off between seasons 1 and 2 and it genuinely brought me to tears. I feel like there’s no way the theory about Rachel not intending this to be a depiction of SA can be true. The way it’s written feels so powerful and intentional, and I honestly think that makes her dropping the plotline that much worse.

I mean, maybe I’m projecting because of how similar the scenario was to my own experiences, but I just don’t feel convinced that she didn’t fully intend to write this as SA.

The shots of Persephone trying to physically push him away, of her standing shell shocked in the shower, after the fact, her internal dialogue about wanting it to stop but feeling like she can’t take back the “okay” she gave. It’s gut wrenching. And Apollo commenting on her hair and saying she should leave it long is such a brilliant piece of writing that hits like a punch in the gut for us readers who know why it grows.

And honestly, I think that chapter being so well written is what hurts the most. Because it feels like myself and other survivors were lured in by the prospect of seeing our stories told, and getting catharsis through Persephone even if we would never have it. The conversation she has later with Eros, where he states plainly that what happened was rape, not dancing around the word, validating what Persephone and so many real readers have gone through… It’s so, so painful to read that back and know that this plotline was dropped. That we were led to believe we would be seen only to be completely swept under the rug with no resolution to that story.

And I know people criticize that it’s immediately followed by a phone call with Hades, but honestly? After rereading that too? I loved most of the phone call. They had real chemistry, and you could still feel the weight of what just happened in how Persephone carried herself, but as they talked and she had something to distract herself, the burden got a bit lighter, at least for the moment. It felt resonant. Emotionally intelligent.

It’s like you said. Lore Olympus wouldn’t be so easy to hate if it hadn’t been so easy to love. I think it could have been good despite its flaws and problematic elements, because no media is 100% pure— but somewhere along the way, Rachel stopped caring. And THAT is what ruined it.

No but this is so valid, everything you just described was pretty much why I loved the SA plotline in the first place.

I think the scene itself is beautifully written, but it's odd how it becomes more about Persephone simply wanting an "easy way out" of TGOEM, not just in the 'decision' to have sex (i.e. she was coerced and assaulted) but later when she tries to get out of TGOEM, like... is it because she wants to actually date guys, or is it because she doesn't feel like she "deserves" to be in TGOEM anymore due to the assault? The story tries in some places to explore this but never commits to it fully so it's really hard to know what point it's trying to make at times when you actually peel back the layers.

Really the biggest reasons I 'suspect' Rachel of not intending to write a genuine SA plot from the very beginning is because of how... 'back of mind' it is. It only seems to be brought up whenever Rachel can be bothered to remember, but then it's completely juxtaposed against scenes where it should affect her (or reasonably would) and it doesn't. Case in point, a few episodes after she tells Eros what happened and he confirms it was rape, he tries to convince her to go into Hades' office dressed in a trenchcoat and nothing else underneath and it's like bro... this girl just told you what she went through, why are you suggesting she try to seduce her boss who she doesn't even really know yet LOL

As a result , it really does just make it feel like the SA scene is just there to make Apollo an easy villain, and Hades an easy hero, with the only definitions being "well, Hades didn't assault her, so he's definitely the better choice!" (as if Apollo was ever a 'choice' to begin with, Persephone didn't like him from day 1 so there was basically no chance of there being a love triangle setup except for the audience members who quickly latched onto that "I guess he's cute if you squint a little" line). And with the way episodes are chopped up, separating points of the narrative from each other, it feels like whenever stuff does happen (esp surrounding the SA plot) it's because Rachel's finally bought herself enough time to come up with something, like the therapy episode, Eros confirming it was assault, Persephone stealing the lyre with the intent of hiding it from Apollo (only to then willingly show it to him alone in her bedroom with him a handful of episodes later), etc.

If she did intend to write an SA scene from the beginning, it doesn't feel like she thought the plotline through fully to make it actually feel genuine (and this goes for a lot of the subplots in LO, they always seem to start off as these base "get your attention" ideas but with no actual follow through). And with Apollo now being written as this "huehue you fell right into my trap!" villain (and very poorly I might add) it just feels like the SA is now taking a backseat to, "Actually, Apollo is the bad guy because he wants to overthrow his dad or some shit. Forget the SA happened, I don't wanna write about it anymore."

All those points aside, I agree with you fully, if Rachel cared about what she was trying to write back when the SA was first shown, then that level of care definitely doesn't seem to be there anymore and it's such a shame to see. It just feels like it's being used for artificial drama and nothing more and that's so frustrating and disappointing for many of the SA victims who are critical of this story (including myself) to see when that plotline originally felt like comforting visibility.

[xo-urban]

Heyyy I just stumbled across your page recently and can I just say I am impressed, also I saw your beta reader thing and I completely get that cause editing can be a pain in the ass lol.

Could I request John Price with a reader who has a prosthetic leg and is also a part of the 141 task force, and the others don’t know he is missing a leg until one day when it’s revealed to them at like a bar or something and John is laughing at the others reactions? Sorry if that’s so vague but I didn’t see anything for John and I was like ykw Price deserves some love lol

omg hi I read some of your fics and didn’t expect you at all. hi ily and your writing LMAO

Losing a Leg at a Bar

Pairing: John Price x Male Reader

Summary: The team finds out you lost your leg in a mission while you and Price laugh at their reactions at a local bar.

Warnings: Typical Mission violence, fluff and funny moments, sexual intentions near the end.

Word count: 710

You had always worked by Price’s side, you two had been together through thick and thin. Yet you still were able to love in the darkest time.

Price still loved you even after you lost one of your legs in a devastating mission, losing more than what you could ever imagine. You were sneaking up with your duo to a building to raid, but landmines were littered everywhere, no one knew, the field was set to blow. On that day you stood too close to your teammate, losing your leg from the knee down and the life of your best friend. You weren’t in the best mental place after it, but Price helped you overcome this obstacle, with the time you both spent together only let the two of you fall in love with each other more, and you recovered in no time, standing by Price’s side as he stood by yours proudly, thankful you weren’t lost that day.

Now here you are with the new family the people call Task Force 141, a team like no other. Today was a day to kick off those boots and relax for some great time, it has been a while and Soap decided to treat the team to a night at a great bar he knew of. Course you wouldn’t turn down anything free, despite Price’s protests of wanting to relax at base longer with you, you convinced him enough to have a few drinks or more with you.

The glasses clinked together in a cheer with everyone around the table, soft smiles all around as shots of whiskey were downed in a single go. Laughter filling the air, even Ghost cracked a few smiles with his lifted mask. Price’s arm was around your waist as the team talked about some moments that happened around base, such as Soap slipping multiple times down a slippery hallway filled with his screaming and curses.

“Your turn to get the next round love..” Price smiled, patting your thigh as you nodded. You shifted off the seat to stand, stretching with a hum, it felt amazing. “WHERE THE FUCK IS YOUR OTHER LEG?” Soap’s surprised yell almost silenced the bar. He had hit Ghost on accident who spat out his whiskey all over Gaz who cursed profanities in anger and amazement. Price laughed loudly in his seat. You turned around in confusion, watching the once calm table become a mess in seconds. “Seems like you forgot something” Price grinned, still giggling at the other’s reactions. You looked down and laughed, “Right.”

You had taken off your prosthetic leg since wearing it for so long was super uncomfortable, but you haven’t remembered to slide it back on, how could you remember anyways? You couldn’t even feel it. Soap was still spewing questions about it, asking how it happened and how long since it happened while Ghost was still trying to get some air in his lungs after that, Gaz just sat there wiping off the whiskey on him before he turned his full attention on you as you were putting the prosthetic back on. “Let the man relax before answering your questions, Soap.”

“I’ll explain after the next round!” You laughed, waving Soap off, who still couldn’t believe it as you walked away to get some more shots. When you came back of course, you were bombarded with questions. You sat down beside Price, who immediately snaked his hand around your waist protectively.

You explained the story of how you lost your leg to the team, each one listening with interest, Soap didn’t even wait to ask you questions once you finished your story, you spoke with ease, cracking a few jokes on the way.

After Soap left you alone to go bother Ghost and Gaz, you leaned against Price with a content sigh, “That felt good..” Price smiled at you, placing a soft kiss on your head, “I bet it was.. I love you, with two legs or one.” Price laughed as you slapped his shoulder. “It would be a lie if I didn’t say I love you, but right now I don’t think you deserve one after that.”

“Love!”

“Nope. Earn it back big guy”

“How about tonight in my room?”

“Sounds like a plan..”

[princessb4mbi]

MESSAGES I CAN’T SEND

꩜ tags black!reader, therapist!eren, college setting, age gap (reader in 20s, eren in 30s), power dynamic, not so protective sex? mentions of death [not proofread]

꩜ synopsis isn’t it obvious to hide your private life better? or was it not obvious when a video of you dry-humping a pillow was sent to your therapist.

@ word count 3.6k

story below the cut !!

ever since you’ve lost your mother to old age, your mental health has spiraled downwards a little bit. you’ve had the privilege of knowing when she WOULD die and at-least died in a proper place rather than somewhere shitty, so that’s cheered your spirits up a little bit. she was your best friend though, and losing your best friend is painful. you went to her whenever you could, talked on the phone for hours, and slept in her bed every night as if you were still five years old. 

you weren’t the only one suffering though, your childhood friend sasha couldn’t stand watching you wither away. even though she did everything she could, she knew she was capable of oh so much. 

you weren’t the only one suffering though, your childhood friend sasha couldn’t stand watching you wither away. even though she did everything she could, she knew she was capable of oh so much. 

“do you want me to hook you up with my therapist? he’ll seriously help you clear all cloudy thoughts away y/n,” sasha says caressing your cheeks

you move your face away from her hand, “they aren’t cloudy thoughts sas, im just grieving my mother..” 

“i know baby, i know.. but i don’t want to grieve YOU if you die of a heartbreak. i want you to get better, physically and mentally.” sasha looks at me emphatically.

she pulls out her phone and scrolls through her contacts until stopping at a card called “dr.jaeger”. “listen, give him a call please. his prices are cheap and his place is nice. it’s not like those dull white offices with an ugly long chair and a monotone person.” 

you sighed, reluctantly agreeing to her copying and pasting the number to your phone. “okey, i gotta go now babe, but PROMISE me you’ll give him a call, he’ll help you, and if he doesn’t i’ll play for any of your bills ok?” sasha says packing up her stuff. she kisses your cheek before leaving the quiet study area, leaving you alone to your own thoughts. 

you stare at the contact card, pulling dr. jaeger’s name up on your laptop and scrolling through his website. sasha was right about one thing, his prices WERE cheap. about $65 an hour and he also had packages where two weeks of therapy would be about $350 in total.   

the prices however, weren’t enough to convince you fully, as your scroll down to see the reviews.  

“dr. jaeger saved me. after the loss of my wife, i never felt like so lonely, but my daughter told me about him and he’s helped me heal properly and not turn to anything crazy. he’s an amazing person with amazing talents as such a young age. 5 stars” 

ok.. that was something. not that you were going to invalidate them, but that seemed just.. fake. you decided to read another one.

“oh my gosh. no one would believe how amazing someone is at listening and understanding a person’s thoughts. dr. jaeger was nothing like those terrible therapists who make you pay $100 for an shitty hour call. oh how i wished i can say more, but the character limit is fu” 

you giggled at that one. maybe i should give him a call. with a deep breath, you called the number. 

“hello? my name is y/n, i’d like to speak to dr. jaeger please.” 

— 

it’s been about a month since you’ve scheduled a session with dr. jaeger, only having to wait that long due to “heavy traffic”. sasha is currently driving you to the building. 

“you know, i’m really proud of you for calling. i was scared you were going to stay depressed forever.” sasha says over her 80s radio playing. 

“let’s not get too happy yet, he could still be shit at his job..” you say cutting down any happy thoughts. 

“you’re STILL doubting him y/n? i get that some people are money hungry, but i promise you he’s not. if he was, do you think ME of all people would be recommending you to him? i mean c’mon, have some faith please.” 

“i’m sorry, i just nervous ok. my stomach is doing backflips at the moment.” 

“hey man, if you feel like farting, ill park somewhere and you can walk the rest of the way.”

you two pull up to the parking lot, fancy with a modern style front. the office itself if very modern and 2 floored. 

“k, i’m gonna drop you off here, call me when you’re done ok?” 

you walk out of sasha’s car, waving her goodbye while she drives away. you walk into the sleek office, with painting from what you the assume were from the last two centuries. 

the receptionist greets you with a nice smile “welcome, how may i help you today?” you give her your name. “ah i see, you right on time then, ill have this guard guide you to dr. jaeger’s office.” just then, a semi tall man with a black uniform from comes in-front of me. “right this way.” 

he leads me into the elevator, where he then leads me into a hallway with lots of rooms. there’s multiple therapists in this building, all with different ways. as i look through the glass windows, i see pet therapy, group therapy and even massage therapy. the guard finally stops at a door, with a name tag having “DR. JAEGER” on it. “here’s your room, have a nice day.” he says as he’s walking away. you give him a quick thank you and knock on the door. 

a deep “come in.” follows shortly after, and you enter the room. first impression of when you enter the room was that sasha was right. the room was anything from boring, and didn’t have white walls but instead had a mix of brown and auburn. there was lots of old-style decor too. a record player, cd’s and even the tv was kinda old. 

however you were greeted with the most shocking thing of all, dr. jaeger himself. he looked away from his papers, to look at you and gave you a warm smile. his visuals was… something you didn’t expect. most therapist are middle-aged men and women, that are sort-of not the most attractive. but that was ok, because they wanted to help you, not seduce you. dr. jaeger on the other hand was extremely beautiful. he has dark brown hair, put up in a semi-messy bun, the most luscious green eyes, and very kissable pink lips. 

i guess you were admiring his facial features for too long to notice dr. jaeger looking at you weirdly. “maybe un-responsive.” he mutters to himself, typing down on his laptop. upon hearing his words, you apologize and scurried to the seat in-front of him. 

“or not. . . my name is dr. jaeger, if you’ve haven’t gotten a chance to see on the door.” 

“i did, sorry for not responding earlier.” 

“it’s ok, its common for most genders to be shocked at how i look.” dr. jaeger said in a non-concerned voice. you were took aback a little by his comment, most genders to be shocked at how he looked? you were wondering if he was just annoyed at the common occurrence or just knew that he was an attractive man. “pushing that aside,” he sighed “sasha has told me a lot about you.” he says looking up at you. 

“she did?” you question.

“mhm, she cares for you ms….” he looks at the paper look for your last name. 

“y/l/n.” 

“ah, thank you. sasha cares for you ms. y/l/n. she talks about your recovery, and wants you to best happy for her.” he says maintaining eye contact. you can’t respond to such kindness. all you can do is nod your head and smile. 

“but as a therapist view-point, the death of a loved one is one of the hardest battle we have to overcome as a human being. no matter how emotionless a person may be, the death of anything else to them will always cause someone to break. that’s just how we are, we humans . . . after all.” he says empathically. 

“my job isn’t to make you forget your mother, or forget the pain you feel about her. you always feel pain lingering about her, and that’s ok. i’m just here to help you reduce that pain.” 

you were shocked. cheap prices, handsome therapist AND a good one at that? maybe it’s good to stay faithful after all. 

— 

it’s been about 3 weeks since you’ve had daily therapy sessions with mr. jaeger and he’s honestly been helping you a lot. you had different kinds of sessions, like walking around and even some pet therapy. today was for a usual one-on-one walk around the building beautiful outside landscape.

as you and dr. jaeger walk around, you wave to the other clients with their own therapists. “see how social you’ve gotten? when we first came here, you were begging to stay back inside due to all the people,” he jokes around. “now, you’re friendly with them. it’s good progress.” he smiles to himself. 

“it was only because of you, dr. jaeger. i don’t think i’d be the way i am without your help.” 

“ah. . . don’t flatter me too much. let’s sit right here yea?” he says pointing towards the swinging wood benches. “it’s beautiful outside, isn’t it ms. y/l/n?” he turns to look at you. 

“yea, it really is.” you turn back to stare at him. god, you can stare into his eyes for hours. it’s something that about that were so addicting, that you couldn’t look away if you wanted to. to break the silence, you decided to follow up with a cheeky comment. “say dr. jaeger, you really know how to keep a client.” he moves his head to the side, confused. “i like to believe that my clients stay with my due to how i help them and not my looks.” ah fuck. it was not received well at all, and you just profusely apologized to him. 

“but, if my looks did make people stay, that wouldn’t be all too bad huh,” he says giving a hearty laugh. “but tell me now, ms y/l/n. does my looks make you stay?” you were at a loss for words. one part of you wanted to say “fuck yes” while another part of you wanted to say “absolutely not”. and you of course went with the latter. 

“whatever your answer is, it doesn’t bother me either way. . . but it looks like our time is up ms. y/l/n.” you look down at your phone for the time. it was up after he exclaimed. the two of you head back to his office to pick you up your stuff. 

that night later, you were chilling in your bed, getting ready to dose off. you however, couldn’t sleep without thinking about a fantasy. it didn’t matter what type, other than it having to be something interesting. you close your eyes, your mind shifting to dr. jaeger, and the moments between you two that drove you insane. like that one time he wore a turtle neck, showing off his clothed six-pack abs. you imagined yourself touching them, feeling the rock-hardness of them. you open your eyes again, looking around the room. to be honest, you haven’t.. you know what, in a while and you thought it might be time to do it again. 

you move your bedsheets closer to the edge to give you more space. and moved all your pillows away except for one. you pulled your phone out and started to record. it might seem weird to other people, but you like to record yourself, in the time that you couldn’t find anything good on twitter or reddit. 

you start to rock your hips back n forth on the pillow, assuming it the body of a male. maybe it was dr. jaeger body you could’ve been assuming it off. either way, it turned you on, seeing how you started to move faster on your pillow. one of your hands grip the pillow, as the other hand massages your boob. you move faster, enjoying the friction your clit is getting between the pillow and your soaked panties. you close your eyes, imagining dr. jaeger guiding your body with his big, veiny hands. as you’re about to climax, you can’t help but subtly whimper his name. 

once you’ve finished, you end the video. while you’re cleaning up, sasha enters the room. “hey girlie, i was thinking of getting some drinks tomorrow night? wanna come?” she says exciting. “i would but i have a session with dr. jaeger tomorrow.” 

“boo, you’re boring.” 

“whatever, i’m going to the shower, so let me know if anything happens ok?” 

“yea yea boring y/n.” 

you go to the bathroom and take off your clothes, hopping inside the shower. you turn on the water, letting the lukewarm water hit your skin. you are alone with your thoughts until sasha comes inside the bathroom. 

“not to be nosey, but dr. jaeger texted you.” she says. 

“mhm really? what did he say?” 

“i didn’t look at it properly, but something about a daily wellness video?” you knew right away. dr. jaeger usual makes his clients make videos of themselves with positive affirmations, then with their consent, he’ll use it on his website for future clientele. 

“ahh ok! just send him the most recent video.” you photo gallery takes forever to update, so there’s a chance it’ll take forever to show the video of your “naughty time”. 

“ok, sending right now… and it’s sent. if he wants a further conversation, i’ll let you know.” 

“thanks sash.” 

as you walk out the steamy bathroom, and get ready for bed, you check your notifications for any new ones. you go into the chat between you and dr. jaeger, seeing if theres anything new. you took a look at the video of your affirmation, seeing the shirt you wore today as the thumbnail. you clicked on it, expecting your face to zoom out, as you were testing the camera quality always. to your shock, you camera didn’t zoom out. but instead was your body moving back and forth on something. your heart dropped. it couldn’t be. you’re praying it wasn’t. you skip some of the video to see if it was truly what you think it was, but the video suddenly changed to a more in-depth shot of you humping the pillow with your panties being in view. 

your heart start to beat faster than usual. you click off the video to delete it right away. dr. jaeger didn’t respond to it, and it said it was ‘delivered.’ you wanted to tell yourself that he hasn’t seen it, and probably watches those videos early in the morning. you weren’t going to stress yourself out though, you were just gonna go to his office per usual, and get counseling per usual.

— 

you take a deep breath and knock at his door, hoping it all ends well. you hear his “come in” but it sounds different from before. his voice went an octave lower. you walk into the room, seeing a more “messy” side of dr. jaeger. at-least he didn’t look at cleaned up as he usually does. his bun was a lot more frizzy from before and he had two buttons undone on his button up shirt. 

maybe he had a rough morning. you think to yourself. “good morning ms. y/l/n. how was your night?” you stopped for a second. such a simple question was something so dangerous to you. “it was fine, dr. jaeger. how about yours?” 

“oh. one of the best i’ve had in a while.” 

“ah. mine was the worst i’ve had in a while.” you mumbled. 

“really? i would’ve assumed you’ve had a very nice night ms. y/l/n.” 

you stare at him confused. what could he mean by that? yea, you fixed your hair a little better than usual, and your eye bags have gone away overtime, but you truly did have a sleepless night yesterday. dr. jaeger gets up from his chair, to lean on his desk, standing in-front of you. he stared down at you with his usually lighter colored eyes now displayed a dark-green. and his pupils were more extended. 

“i don’t know what gives you the impression that i’ve had a nice night dr. jaeger.” 

he bends to to match the height of the chair, and put both of his hands on the rest, restricting me from mounting off of it easily. “let’s cut the crap, y/n. i saw what you sent me.” at this moment, it felt like 100 daggers were suddenly lodged into your chest. 

“i wondered why you asked what you did yesterday. i thought to myself ‘maybe she thought i was attractive’, but i see it was more than that i see,” he says not breaking eye contact. “you see, as a human, we see something we like, and have many kinds of thoughts about it. and i see the thoughts you have towards me are stronger than what i expected.” 

“i’m truly sorry dr. jaeg-“ 

“call me eren, seeing as that is what you called me in the video.” 

“i’m sorry eren, truly. i don’t want to do anything to make you uncomfortable or hurt this relationship between us.” i say holding back my tears. 

“hurt? uncomfortable? those words are out of the park right now,” he says standing up. “to be honest, tell me why you came today y/n.” 

“to have a therapy session with you.” you meekly say.

“is my looks standing in the way of you healing with the death of your mother?” he says standing behind me. 

“not at all, dr. jae- eren.” 

“so then what provoked you to send me a five minute long video of you fucking yourself to a pillow in the imagination that it’s me?” you were at a loss for words. he was right. your heart sank as his word dug deeper into you. and you couldn’t hold back your tears anymore. you started to quietly sob, feeling large hands down your shoulders. you feel a hot breath near your eyes chill down your spine. “don’t cry, not in this manner at least,” he says in your ear. 

“cry because you can’t handle it, y/n.” 

you stopped and turned to look at him. he had a devilish grin on his face. “handle what?” you say, not catching his gist. 

“you’ll find out soon enough.”

eren lifts you up by the arm and spins you around to face him completely. you didn’t know what was going on, but you didn’t want to push away. your faces was a mere 4 inches away from each other. “can i? y/n. . . can i give you what you want?” 

you look at his eyes then his lips then his eyes again. fuck it, you nod your head and eren kisses you passionately. he stops kissing you for a moment to push the chairs aside. you look at his desk to see his usually messy papers cleaned up to the side. he planned this probably . . . eren picks you up and places you on his desk. 

he places a hand on your chin, rubbing it gently. “open it baby,” he says as his kisses you again, but placing his tongue all over the inside of your mouth. his hands tug on the bottom of your shirt, signaling for it to be removed. in between each kiss, you both take off a piece of clothing until you up to your undergarments. eren slips his large hand under your breast, fondling with it while he leaves wet hickeys on your neck. with the other hand he unclasps the bra, throwing it the ground. he kisses you again, muttering “nice tits”.

you pull at the band of his underwear, “want you in me ren’.” you whine. “patience baby.” eren says sliding your panties off to the floor. 

“are you on any pills by any chance?”, he says rubbing ur slick all over your cunt. “m-mhm ren.’”

“good. so i don’t have to hold back.” 

eren slips his underwear off, revealing his long, veiny and girthy dick. you want to guess it’s around 6-7 inches, but it was gonna tear you up regardless. he strokes his dick, ‘lubing’ it up with his pre-cum. he inches closer to you, having his dick and your hole just one insert away from each other. you open your legs wider and lay down on his desk, giving him more access to yourself. “didn’t even have to ask.” eren said.

he teases the tip of his dick on your clit. your whole body tingles in response, arching your back off the cold desk. “please ren’…” you beg, desperately wanting his dick buried into you. “please fuck me eren.” 

“as you wish.” with that, eren aligns himself with your entrance, slowly pushing himself in. the both of you moan simultaneously from the pleasure you both felt. eren starts to push his hips back and forth into you, keeping a firm grip on your waist. eren keeps a nice pace, making sure to satisfy both sides. suddenly, eren lifts your legs, wrapping them around his waist. you jolted from the tingle he gave you. you were trying to conceal your moans, but every time it was getting louder than usual, eren made sure put his hand over your mouth.

eren’s pace starts to unstable, moving fast at times and then slowing down to grind himself on you. you can tell he was close to his climax, seeing how desperate and shaky thrusts were. 

“‘m so close baby. . .” he grunts. 

“‘ren please! mhm.” you whine, begging him to release. 

“at the same time? what a good girl..” he barely breathes out. 

eren picks you up by the waist to pull you closer to him. there wasn’t enough space between you too, but he didn’t care. eren grinds his dick into you, feeling his dick throb in your walls. then, you feel a warm liquid pour inside of you, while at the same time cry out from your orgasm. 

[noe-pri08]

Loki x Y/n

Summary: You are the new recruit living in the tower and you have your first interaction with Loki, what he doesn’t know is that you have a… special personality

Your powers are that you can control the elements and you can control and read minds

I'm sorry If there are any mistakes, English isn't my first language

 You were in the library reading a book that Thor recommended me about The Avengers when Loki enters

Loki seems slightly surprised to see you there “The elemental, you’re reading?”

“No, I just like hold books. You’re Loki right?” you say sarcastically, making a grin

He nods “Indeed I am. I’m the God of Mischief, and you are the elemental?

“Yeah but I prefer Y/n”

He chuckles “My apologies Y/n. But it is a mighty name isn’t it? Elemental” He says the word as if it were some riddle “Well, Y/n why not follow me and we can talk in somewhere more private?” Loki has a sly smile on his face

“Okay” you follow him, being a bit suspicious because of his background and what not. He seems a bit much enthusiast about being in private. Some minutes later you get to a quiet room. He smiles and closes the door behind the both of you

“So…elemental. What can you do” he says while looking you up and down

“I control the elements and minds, but I also can read them” you are alert for whatever might happen

“Read mind you say?” He looks at you chuckles “Well that should come in handy for spying and stuff” he smiles

“Yeah, that’s why I’m here”

“And do you control all the elements too?” he asks with curiosity

“Yeah. Fire, water, wind and earth” you answer

He smiles at you and nods “Maybe you could demonstrate them?”

You agree and make fire come out of your hand while you summon a burst of wind

He chuckles and smiles “That should be enough proof” he looks at you a bit more and then speaks softly “I like your powers elemental, they could be very useful. I wonder what I could do with you as an advantage”

“What do you mean?” you say suspicious and prepared to fight in case you need to causing to smirk

“You think I’m going to attack you? Me? I would never do such a thing. What I am going to do is offer you a deal…”

“Well you see Loki, you attacked New York and I’m sorry but I’m not that kind of things you know” you smile at him with irony

He looks at you annoyed “Not that again! Let’s forget that” he waves dismissively “You can help me with my future plans. Together we could accomplish things you wouldn’t expect. The gods themselves would bow before us!” Loki seems to get more and more excited while talking about this

You look surprised “But I don’t want that , I just want help the innocent people, I wanna defend them. Besides, I’ve heard your plans are lead the Earth and I’m not interested” you say, refusing to help him

He laughs a bit “So what? I could make things better for Earth if I led it. If I controlled it…I could achieve better things then this so called Avengers group ever could”

“But, like I said, I don’t want to”

Loki starts to get annoyed “Look, let me explain to you what you do don understand elemental. I am the master of mind manipulation, I could make you do things you would never dream of doing. I have this gift. I could change the world…And I could start by making you into being on my side and achieving my plans” Loki smirks “You may not want to join me. But as I will show you…You don’t have a choice” he thinks he’s the best, but I’m here to demonstrate him that his wrong

“I do have a choice, you know why? Because I can also manipulate minds, including yours”

He chuckles “You think I would be affected by your powers?” Loki smirks even more “Elemental… I am a God. I would laugh at your pitiful attempts”

“You sure? Let’s try” I control his mind, making him feel hurt

He starts to feel pain and his eyes widen “What have you done elemental?!” he stumbles back holding his head in

“You think I can’t control you, that I’m not strong enough, so I’m showing you otherwise. I think you underestimated me and my powers” you say looking at him angry due to he didn’t think you were capable of have power over him

He kneels down on the floor holding his head in pain “Aghh…you are not going to give me much choice with this are you elemental?” Loki looks at you

“Say I can control you, say that you’ll stop your stupid plans, and then I’ll stop” you say, looking down on him

“Okay, okay. You have a small edge over me elemental. But what if I told you that I can give you something that you’ve never felt before?” he says struggling to talk

“What?” you ask, still angry and faking interest about what he says

He stands up straight and smirks “If you work with me elemental, you’ll learn things. Knowledge that normal humans, and even other gods wouldn’t dare know. What do you say elemental?” Loki is still in pain but it’s going away. He looks at you with a serious face

“I don’t think I need to learn anything more” you say bored

He chuckles “But knowledge is the most powerful weapon that one can wield. I have the knowledge… and I can unlock your potential that you’ve never realised you had” Loki’s face turns from serious to a more calm tone. And I’m offering all of this to you elemental” he is still recovering from your mind manipulation and you think it has affected him more than you expected, because everything he says is more and more stupid

“I won’t collaborate in such plans as yours” you firmly and tired of his perseveration

He laughs slightly “Why don’t you trust me elemental? Don’t I seem like a nice and caring person?” Loki smiles “I am offering you the chance to unlock the most powerful version of yourself. Just take my hand elemental…just accept my deal”

You chuckle “First, did you really have to ask that? Let’s see, you attacked an entire town just because you wanted to, now you’re saying stupid things about Gods bowing before us and you’re the God of Mischief, that’s why I don’t trust you” you smile sarcastically at him “second, no you don’t exactly look like a nice and caring person, but I’ll accept” you are curious so you take his hand

He smiles triumphantly “You’ll see, I am the God of Mischief after all…I’ll treat you like royalty. You’ll enjoy the knowledge that I give you”

“I am warning you, as soon as you say something I don’t wanna do I’ll go, understood?”

He nods and smiles “Understood. I’ll be fair with you elemental”

“You’ll have to do something more, I can’t accept just your word, you’re the God of Mischief after all” you say, not trusting him

He smirks and leans in “Look elemental, if I wanted to make you do something you don’t want to, I would’ve done so already. But I respect your choices for now”

“Okay, I guess that will have to be enough” you nod

Loki’s smirk grows wider and wider “That’s right elemental. Now come with me and I shall show you things you’ve never seen before” Loki smiles and starts walking to the door and you follow him. Loki is leading both of you across the base until he stops infront of the door and the opens it. When he opens you see something that surprises you. Loki smiles and beckons you to come inside with him “Just come in elemental, there is something I wanna show you”

You enter the room, looking amazed at everything. There are lots of computers and scientific equipment. He has made a fully advanced lab. There are even weapons that are all laid out. He turns to you and smiles

“What do you think elemental?” he asks

“What are the weapons for” you say

He chuckles “Well we never know when a problem happens right elemental? So it’s best to be prepared. What if another Loki came to this universe? Wouldn’t we have to be prepared for that” Loki chuckles as he speaks, but he is being serious though

“We have to be prepared for you, I don’t wanna even think about two of you” you say absent as you keep looking around

He laughs “You see my point right elemental. I am a God after all so we better prepare for that” Loki smiles. He then gestures for you to come with him to another part of the lab “Come elemental, I have a present for you”

We walk over to some sort of weapon “Now elemental, you do not only have the ability to control the elements right? You can also read minds…what if…” he turns to you and smirks “I took away that ability?” Loki chuckles “What if I showed you how to not only boost your powers… but to make your mind control a lot stronger, what do you think elemental” he starts to grin widely

“Are you insane? You’re not gonna take my powers away. And even if you try to, you know what I’m capable of to defend myself” you threaten him

Loki seems slightly irritated at your remark “So hostile aren’t you elemental? “ he smiles “And how do you know that that I don’t  have the power to take it?” he starts walking towards you slightly

“I don’t know, and I don’t trust you either” it makes him laugh

“I don’t think that you have any choice elemental…if you do not do what I ask you to I’ll simple take it from you” he smirks and walks over to you. You can feel the presence of his mind control powers growing

You smile widely “You sure about that?” you askand start manipulating him again, but this time stronger

He falls to the ground in pain “Agh!! What… are you… doing elemental? Stop!!” Loki seems in a lot more pain this time

“This is nothing compared to what I could do to you if you try to take my powers, and don’t think I don’t have the ability to” you say to him, your jaw clenching

He touches his head in pain “S-s-stop it!!” Loki struggles to try and speak as you still had control of his mind. He seems to be in a huge amount of pain, this was a lot more intense than before

I stop it “Do you get my point Loki?”

He starts feeling a bit better, but seems very irritated at you. Then he gets up and dusts himself off and smile “How about we get to your present?”

I nod, waiting for him to tell something, hoping it’s not something stupid

“Okay elemental, now that you know I have some special technology here. Loki smirks and walks over to…a strange looking collar

“What is that?”  you say suspiciously

He giggles a bit “This, elemental, that will revolutionize your powers. This collar will boost your mind control abilities with a boost of your elemental powers” Loki smiles “I just need you to wear this collar and your powers will grow”

“Well, we have a problem now” I make a grin “Cause I’m not gonna put that on” I smile at him

He sighs and smiles “I’ll make sure you put it on elemental. Don’t you want your powers to increase in strength? I know you do”

“No, I don’t. I’m okay with my powers being like this” I smile at him

He smiles and comes closer to you “Elemental, you have to trust me. I am giving you the chance of a lifetime. To boost your powers and even to help you control your powers fully. I’ll help you achieve things that you never thought were possible”

“That’s another problem, I don’t trust you, besides if it isn’t dangerous put it on you neck”

He grins “Me? Why should I? I’m a God, my powers are as strong as they can get. It is safe, just put in on and I’ll give the key” he seems very eager to have you put the collar on

“No, I’m sorry but I’ll go. Thanks for showing me…this” you say and then start walking to the door, wanting to get the hell out of there

He reaches out and puts his hand on your shoulder gently “Elemental, I can’t let you go, you could tell someone or the avengers could see it. I cannot risk it” his grip turns tighter holding you in place. You can feel the presence of his powers over your shoulder

“I won’t tell, let me go” your eyes turn purple because of your powers

He senses your powers as they flare up “I’m sorry elemental, I’ve tried to be fair with you… but I can’t let you go. You will be wearing that collar and you will serve me” he seems to be getting mad

“I said no” you control Loki, making it impossible for him to move

He tries to move but he can’t. He looks surprised and horrified. He seems to be trying to get your mind control off. A few moments later you stop it

He is very angry “What are you doing elemental??!! Don’t you dare do that again. Loki grabs your arm tightly and looks at you serious. I need that collar on you elemental, I need it “ his grip in your arm get tighter

“Well, I would prefer that it was your hand what is on my neck” you seductively, kind of controlling him

He blushes slightly “Oh…well if you insist elemental” he smiles slightly and puts his hand gently on your neck. Then leans in closer and whispers in your ear “You know Elemental…you have a lot more power than you think” he leans closer to you

“I know” you whisper in his ear and with your powers you push him, making his back crash on a wall

“What are you doing elemental” His mood changes “Oh, what would you do if I did something much more intimate with you?” Loki smirks as he speaks seductively

“You really think that you’re…seductive voice was gonna work on me?

He smiles “Maybe, but I bet there are other ways to seduce you. I know that your body…is as beautiful as the gods” he says while looking at you up and down “What if I tried getting a bit more…intimate with you in other ways elemental? Would that get you to comply with me?”

“No, for that I would go with your brother, lo looks nicer than you” you say teasing him

He smirks “Oh, I’m hurt. I see, you are sucker for the nicer gods” you nod “Well elemental you aren’t going to escape my grasp. I need you, I need your powers to achieve my future plans” Loki stares at you. He gets closer to you again and leans next to your ear “I know a lot of ways to seduce you elemental and I know for certain that there is a way to do it”

“ You don’t know everything Loki, and I can assure you that I won’t let you use my powers to achieve your little stupid plans” you say to him

He chuckles and leans in “Oh but I know there is a way…I just have to find it. All you need is…a little temptation to bring out your true nature” Loki smirks and leans back, he looks at you with a smile

“Really?” you say innocent “and what is that?”

He walks closer and whispers “Oh elemental…all I need to do is find your weakness, your true desires. Then I’ll have under my control” Loki seems to be having fun talking to you in like this and you’re starting to like it too

“Well, I assure you, that you won’t find them” you raise a mental shield

His smirk grows wider, making you a bit nervous, but you hide it “If I find your weakness you will be mine, and I will find it elemental. You are a unique one elemental, even I can’t understand you completely, you are a mysterious one. When I find your weakness this little shield will be nothing”

“You’re not the God of Magic, your powers were taught to you, I was born with them, they’re more powerful”

“I know elemental, I know your magic is more…natural but you do not realize how powerful I am. I may not be the God of Magic but I am a god of the same tier” he leans in again and whispers to you “You know, I’ve been wanting to tell you this, but you are the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen”

“I know, and you know what Loki?” you say charmingly and put your hands on his chest “I am also very clever and there is no way I would fall in your little games”

He smiles and looks at you “You’re much more intelligent than I thought, and I know that you won’t fall in my games, but do you wanna know why I keep trying to seduce you? Do you wanna know why I find you so tempting?”

You chuckle and smile at him softly “Why?”

“You may be beautiful and very clever, but I like something else too more than your beauty and intelligence” he whispers seductively in your ear “wanna know what are they?”

“Yes, that would only boost my ego” you say smiling

“Let me tell you…your hair, your eyes, your lips. They all fascinate me. I go mad over you. This outfit you’re wearing? I fucking love it, so tight so it embraces your curves, you breasts and your hips so amazingly, you’re absolutely beautiful elemental” Loki stares at your outfit a bit too long

“Everything you said? I already knew it, I’ve heard so many times, I have so many men on their knees for me. But I admit that it sounds so much better from your lips” you touch his lip with the of your fingers, making him feel nervous

He leans even more “You have men on their knees for you?” he chuckles “And how do you make them kneel before you?”

“I do nothing, they just kneel, I don’t even need to use my powers”

“I must confess elemental…I think I’m on my knees now” Loki is looking at you with an attractive smile. He gets closer to you and whispers “What would you have me do y/n?

I smile at him “First I would have to see you on your knees to believe it”

He chuckles and then gets down on his knees while his gaze is focused on you “Is this okay y/n?”

“More than okay Loki” you say and put your hands in his hair

He looks up to you “Is this what you wanted elemental? To have me kneeled for you? What do I get out of this darling?”

You are enjoying this a lot “You get this view of me, isn’t it enough for you?” you said innocent and take his chin making him look at you

“Oh believe me, I love this view, you can watch me being in my knees all day, but you know…I want something in return my dear” he says while he stares at you like a puppy

I smile at him “And what that would be Loki?”

He looks you up and down “you know…a little treat”

I giggle “You have to say what you want, ask for it” you caress his face

“I want a kiss y/n. Is that much to ask for? Will you give me a kiss?” he bites his lip as he stares at you, waiting for an answer

“Umm, you’ll have to earn it Loki” I say teasing him

He chuckles “You confidence is so attractive” he gets up moves closer to you “you know what? I accept your challenge. What do I have to do to earn that kiss?” His eyes are fixed on you

I laugh a bit “I’m not gonna tell you, that wouldn’t be fair don’t you think?”

“Oh such a cruel game you’re playing. What am I gonna do to get that kiss?” you smile at him “I know you’d like to play the dominant, but don’t forget who the real god is y/n, the chase is on, I’ll play if you will”

“I’ll play, and I may not be a goddess but you were the one who kneeled” I chuckle

“You have a very high self worth, but I can change that. Do you know what I could do to make you feel more…submissive?” your bodies are touching and his arms wrapped around you

“I’m telling you right now, the idea of being the submissive one is not very attractive to me you know” I put my hands on his chest

He smirks “But do you know how it feels? It is very appealing my dear” he rubs your arm “I can teach, I can teach you the beauty of it”

“Well, I guess I’ll never know what it feels will I?” I smile widely

“I guess not” Loki continues rubbing your arm, but it turns into a grip “I could teach you so much, so many things elemental” Loki smirks

“I don’t have to learn anything from you Loki” you take his hands off you

“Oh, are you gonna finally submitted to me darling” he says while tucking a strand of hair behind your ear

“Me?” I chuckle “Never”

Loki whispers “If only you would let me” he seems to not wanna give up, he’s still trying to seduce you

“Not gonna work” you say in a singsong voice, smiling

“Elemental, it isn’t the seduction what it’s difficult, it’s you. You’re making it difficult. You are just making me want you even more”

“Good, it’s my specialty” you smile

“You’re like a game to me. And I love games. And I will win this game, you’ll see” he puts his hands on your hips

You lean till your noses are almost touching “You seem so sure about it” then you step back, making him flustered “but that won’t happen”

“Please darling, don’t leave, don’t leave me like this. My desire for you is much bigger now. Please allow me to get to know you better”

You put your arms around his neck “I don’t think that’s a good idea, you know why? Because it will give you advantage, and we don’t that do we?” you touch his nose

“You’re such a mean one. But I like it, I like it a lot” Loki grabs you from behind “You can’t go anywhere elemental, you aren’t going to leave me like this” Loki’s grip tightens a bit

“Oh, but I absolutely will” you get off his grip, now I’m gonna work, I have things to do” you say walking to the door

“Ok, you win. But I won’t give up, I will have you and you will be mine”

“Yeah sure, by the way, I always win” you say and you go, leaving him looking at the window, feeling frustrated

“You can’t escape me y/n, I’ll see you again” he says looking at the window, and he seems to be planning something…

[headcansxfanfictions]

FANFICTION Its 1:30 am so i wrote this out of no where

PG-13: talk of sexual themes but no sexual acts

TW: character worries about SA

Plot: Asexual Illumi finds himself having a heat unexpectedly after taking suppressants for too long. The closest safe place is Hisoka’s penthouse. Illumi just makes it in time.

PART 1

Hisoka was alarmed when Illumi Zoldyck showed up at his penthouse in full heat.

“Hisoka Im sorry I needed somewhere safe.” Illumi pants holding on to the door frame and shaking from trying to not to collapse.

Hisoka isn’t alarmed easily but right know Illumi seems 10 times more vulnerable then he has ever seen the man.

Illumi stumbles forward and Hisoka catches him. Illumi’s scent is amazing and Hisoka has to mentally slap himself.

Hisoka half caries Illumi to his bedroom. “I almost didn’t make it here,” Illumi starts to cry.

The sobs send chills through Hisoka, Illumi never cries he hardly ever shows emotion. That being said he has never seen Illumi in heat before so maybe this is normal for him?

Illumi is laid down on the bed and Hisoka sits next to him waiting for Illumi to say more.

“I-I almost didn’t make it. I could have died or worse, raped and left pregnant. Hisoka I was so scared. I almost didn’t get away.“ Hisoka hears Illumi’s deep voice break for the first time.

“Illumi you did make it though, you just stay here. You’ll be safe.” Maybe its his alpha instincts but Hisoka has a sudden strong urge to protect Illumi at all cost while he is in heat.

Despite his reputation for being promiscuous and constantly horny, at the age of 26 Hisoka is actually able to control his alpha very well. Yes, Illumi’s heat is effecting him but he respects Illumi enough to push that aside as much as he can.

“Illumi, I’ll be back in a moment I just need to go get some things. Is there anything medicine you usually take?”

“I don’t know,” Illumi’s breathing is ragged, “haven’t had a heat in years… suppressants.”

“You’re on suppressants? Was this heat expected?”

“No,” Illumi writhes struggle for words.

“Never mind we can talk later let me go get you somethings. I’ll be back as fast as I can.” With that Hisoka leaves the bedroom and heads swiftly for the kitchen. He takes two pill bottles from the cabinet and takes a pill from the first one; a suppressant of his own. He doesn’t usually take them but has them for emergencies like this to prevent him from going into rut. Then he gets a glass of water and a thermometer and heads back to Illumi.

Illumi looks worse than when he left. He is read hot and writhing trying desperately to hold himself back and maintain some dignity.

“Illumi here, something for the pain.” Hisoka helps Illumi take the pain medicine and drink some water.

“Thank you,” Illumi whispers through his ragged breathing.

Hisoka then used the forehead thermometer to check Illumi, 101.3F, he’ll be okay, Hisoka will watch it.

“Do you need anything else?” Hisoka asks then hesitantly adds, “I can help you if you want me to… I’m an alpha you know.”

“No,“ Illumi whispers immediately. “I-I dont like doing that.” Illumi cries harder.

“Hisoka I hate this.” Illumi feels scared and small, like being 17 again locked in his room having his first heat. Illumi doesn’t like to talk about it but he hates the idea of sex or anything sexual. It disgusts him. Heats are the only time he ever has sexual feeling and it is hell for him. This is why he always takes suppressants. He has only had 3 heats prior to this; once that first time at 17 again at 19 and again at 21. He was supposed to let himself have one every other year but last year it had been too difficult to make himself do it so against the advice of his doctor he had stayed on the pill illegally. He had been fine up until a couple hours ago when it had hit him like a freight train and he found himself far from home unable to protect himself.

“Okay okay, it was just an offer.” Hisoka watches Illumi curly up on his side, slick is wetting throw his pants.

“Wanna put something more comfortable on? Im gonna go grab some towels to put under you so you can stay clean.” Its unlike Hisoka to be this serious, especially about something that could warrant many sex jokes however the vulnerability Illumi is showing is enough of a shock to make him grow up for the time being.

Illumi hums is appreciation as Hisoka lays the bed with fresh towels and helps illumi into a nightgown. He leaves Illumi’s underwear on not wanting to make him feel unsafe.

Illumi finally falls asleep and Hisoka takes this opportunity to braid the man’s long raven hair so that it won’t be tangled with all the writhing and thrashing that will occur once he wakes.

[leahblackk]

Matilda

summary: Spencer finally knows all Yn’s past.

Warnings: Mentions of SA (sexual abuse) by a family member however it’s not specified. Crying, bits of angst.

Pairing: Spencer Reid x fem!reader.

this has been one of the hardest fics i’ve ever written. it might not be good enough, but it’s something i wanted to bring for @imagining-in-the-margins comfort fic challenge hoping it might bring someone out there a little bit of comfort. <3

i will not be adding my taglist as if i don’t know if they want to read this one.

Spencer knew that he couldn’t erase what was written in the past. He tried many times, different situations in his life, he tried to change it. He wondered if there were ways he hasn't figured out now that could just, with a movement, with words, he could just eliminate it. If it wasn’t possible from the past, at least from someone’s memory.

He mostly wanted it for himself, he wanted to erase the bad memories, he wanted to make it go away. He suffered so much throughout his life, he has felt helpless tons of times. But he has never felt as helpless as he feels now. Spencer never wished so much to erase someone's past until he met her.

He has never wished to wipe and erase something like this.

He wished he didn’t know body language. He wished he wasn’t a profiler right at this moment, he wished that he didn’t know without her having to speak it out loud.

The way she tried to stay as far away from him as possible, as she tried to run away from something. She was trying to run away from him, from that shadow. From that memory of a second that lingered for the rest of her life.

She told him, of course she did, she told him everything about her, from the beginning of her memories to the little things she remembered or saw during the day. He knew every single scar in her body, and the story behind them, but he didn’t quite think she’d have such a deep, unhealed scar quite like this one.

When he noticed the way she tried to hide herself, with Spencer, with his body. He wanted to cry, but anger grew in his body at all the sight of the man that one time hurt her.

The pain he felt for her, to think of her one time being so helpless and scared, hurt him deeply. She didn’t tell him that.

She didn’t tell him the story of what he did to her. He isn’t mad at that, he understands, of course he does.

He holds her hand under the table, softly stroking her knuckles with his thumb as the Christmas dinner happens right in front of him, with her family. But he can’t focus on everyone’s joy and happiness when he knows she isn’t completely joyful.

He tries to find an excuse to get her out of there as quickly as he can.

He remembers how she told him stuff, about her childhood, how some things that happened hurt her but he never thought of something like this.

He looks at her, while she smiles like it’s no big deal. While he sits on the other side of the table, and he talks as if he hasn’t done the worst thing imaginable.

He feels furious, but this isn’t about Spencer, this isn't about how much he hurts for her or how angry he feels, this is about her. He holds her hand, and makes sure she’s alright.

She notices, of course, a change in Spencer’s behavior. Perhaps even more protective than he was before, but she doesn’t pay attention to it.

As it starts to get later and later, and the party settles down, Spencer and Y/n say goodbye to everyone, to her family where he felt welcomed, but now a gut wrenching feeling settles on his stomach. It's like when you grow up, you realize all the things your parents once told you, weren't true. The tooth fairy isn't real, Santa Clause much less, It wasn't all happiness.

They make their way to the car, where she sighs, away from the thoughts, away from him.

Spencer looks at her with puppy eyes, hoping she’d speak, she’d say something. But she doesn’t. So he waits, as he drives to their home, where he knows he’d do anything in his power to protect her, to keep her away from all of it.

He smiled softly at her, knowing she'd tie up her hair and smile like it was no big deal.

They walked in the house while she giggled telling him stuff about the dinner they just had, asking him if he enjoyed it.

Spencer looked at her deeply into her beautiful eyes, ones he had seen so many times before, but this time it was different, not in a bad way, never in a bad way but rather of admiration, of proudness going through his veins.

He felt proud that she was still there, he wasn't happy that she had to go through all of that, but he was proud that she was there, right in front of him and then, he made a promise to himself. She would never have to go through anything harsh ever again. He's gonna protect her, he's gonna take care of her.

He smiled at her, and he brought her closer by her arms. She didn't make a sound, but Spencer knew she was confused. She hugged him back, nonetheless. He quickly put her head close to his chest, stroking her hair in the process.

She chuckled, “Don't take this in the wrong way, but, what is this for?”

He rubbed her back and spoke, “I know.”

She frowned, “You know what?”

“I know that, angel,” he emphasized.

Silence. Silence was all he heard and his heart started racing, thinking that maybe it wasn't the best way to approach the topic. Maybe he should have waited for her to tell him? Oh god, what if he ruined everything?

What if…

She snuggled closer to him, and he heard a muffled sob, against his cardigan, “I was gonna tell you, i promise i-i just didn't know how? I wasn't sure if you were gonna see me differently and-and-,” she rambled.

Spencer shook his head, “Shh, angel, it's alright. I'm not mad at you for not telling me. I promise,” he cooed, “There's nothing wrong. I just noticed it and I just couldn't not say anything. I'm sorry,” he sighed, bringing her impossibly close, “I do see you differently, but not in the way you think. Never in that way. I am proud of you, for being so strong. I'm sorry you went through all of that and if there's any other day you might wanna talk further about it, i'm always here to listen. I'm sorry you have to see him like that, my love.”

“Is how it's always been,” she shrugged as if it wasn't a big deal, “I-I wanna talk about it, but not right. I do enjoy the hug and the words of encouragement, though,” she softly chuckled. Trying to light up the humor.

He kissed the side of her head, “It wasn't your fault baby,” he whispered, knowing she never got those so desired reassuring words, “It wasn't your fault, it was his. No one else's, okay?” she nodded, and he continued, “I promise, you're not alone. I'm here to listen, to hold you, hell, even if you want me to put him in jail I will. But whatever you wanna do next it's all your decision. I will support you and stand right here next to you. I got you, I promise I got you.”

She cried silently, wetting his clothes, but he didn't mind, not even a little bit. He rubbed her back, his heart aching for her, and for knowing he couldn't take the pain and darkness away, but even if he couldn't, at least he'd stand there, in the darkest with her, holding her until she felt better.

“It's not your fault. You're here, with me, safe. He can't reach you here my love, I promise you that. And I, not only as your husband but as your best friend, I will not allow him to get close to you ever again.”

He held her, for the rest of the night. Whispering sweet nothings, and words of comfort into her ear, hoping, wishing and praying it would ease her pain a little bit, And in that night, when he saw her completely vulnerable, he fell in love with her even more.