#I want to be a mother more than anything
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Going to a family-friendly water park this weekend gave me an appreciation for two things:
Waterparks that are adult only.
Those leash harness things for kids.
I thought both concepts were for people who hated kids, whether it be their own or other people's children.
Now I know it is for people who like calm, and order, respectively.
#Like I love children#I want to be a mother more than anything#And even I'm going 'oh my God shut up' to every child that yells or screams#The number of times I was tempted to trip somebody this weekend is rather alarming#If I got cut off from my group by some Karen who thought she needed to be somewhere before me for some reason one more time#I was going to hang her husband's balls like fuzzy dice from my rear view mirror#God I hate people#Urging hubby to take us to a adult waterpark someday#I just want peace#Quiet#Booze#And being able to swear on my vacation without worrying little ears will overhear#I hate to give hubby the side eye a couple times because he openly swore multiple times in an arcade area#And they did have a 'no offensive language' policy for several of the areas 🙄
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tennis
#death note#light yagami#l lawliet#eyestrain#?#i like shapes and colors AND patterns#fun combinations of all of those things#anyway i feel like i don’t talk in the tags on this blog as much as i used to. i need to do that more how else will i make more ppl#parasocially in love w me…..#so hmm. i graduate in less than a month which is exciting bc school sucks ass and i want to be done w it forever (until i decide i want#to go for a masters that is T_T) and have u guys heard abt the mcrtour? making mefeel fucking craaazyyyyyy yes i’m gonna try for#tickets. and perhaps even visit some beloved mutuals in the process. and fool that i am i never finished my last scarf but am wanting#to start a new one but this one is for someone so perhaps i will have more motivation to like. actually finish it lol. knitting btw. i am#not very good at it but it is a good skill to have and crocheting is my mother’s thing and i like the look of knit better. i got yarn the#other day and i was like ough am i remembering their favorite color correctly but if not i can just die forever or smth. i’m not sure#what pattern i wanna do or if i want to add a second color or anything but like i have a small collection of yarn that i got when it was#on sale like crazy so i’m sure i can find smth that will complement my base color if need be#okay i’m done goodbye
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Definitely the wrong interpretation of Padmé’s character to say that she wouldn’t have stayed with Anakin had she lived. Of course, in the context that he remains Vader, it’s obvious she wouldn’t stay by his side then, she’d be actively against him. But a redeemed Vader, that’s once again Anakin Skywalker? There’s no doubt that her undying love for him overpowers all. He’d have a looooot to make up for, but Padmé is the kind of person who’d be on that journey alongside him. Padmé said it herself that they’d always be “one” no matter what happened. She was always ready and willing to forgive him no matter what he did, or where he went. She was always going to his, just as much as he was always hers.
And we see this very clearly even after what’s happened on Mustafar, and after Padmé found out that everything she heard was the truth. But there’s a reason why she still had unwavering faith in Anakin. She knew he still had goodness in him, and she wanted him back. She didn’t fight tooth and nail on Mustafar to bring him back to her, begging him to stop and tell him that she loves him, only to leave him in the end. She wanted him back more than anything. Why? Because she wanted to be with him. To run away to the lakes on Naboo, where she can live out her days with him and their kid(s).
❉ ❉ ❉
“The most powerful, the most repressed thought of all could have emerged from the darkness: Padmé … and her undying love for someone he once knew well. And despite all the terrible, unspeakable things he’d done in his life, he suddenly realized he could not stand by and allow the Emperor to kill their son. And in that moment, he was no longer Darth Vader.”
[Ryder Windham’s Episode VI: Return of the Jedi novelization]
#star wars#anidala#anakin skywalker#padmé amidala#sw novels#return of the jedi junior novelization#meta#padmé study#anidala study#anakin study#she was even crying out for him till her very last breath#if that doesn’t speak volumes of how she wasn’t able to let him go idk what does#i mean… she literally dies because she loses him to the darkside#she wanted to be with him more than anything and wanted him back desperately#also the fact that luke is her parallel in this aspect of the narrative#luke was forgiving and would want to be with his father#he got that loving and forgiving nature of himself from his mother#but only after he was redeemed and saved from the darkside#just like padmé wanted#it’s right there
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on twitter here and here, forayuarchive has been talking about how LLH & FDB really act like an old married couple, and i couldn't stop thinking about it too. as a native chinese speaker, the level of informality, familiarity and bickering, in how FDB and LLH speak to one another (especially in the later episodes) are reminiscent of how bickering old married chinese couples are often depicted.
when FDB is angry/upset at LLH, he calls him "死莲花" - "Damn Lotus/Damn Lianhua". the way FDB says it is in a manner where you might imagine old spouses scolding one another when nagging/bickering (to clarify, it's not romantic per se, but it's extremely informal & familiar).
for example, in ep 35, FDB calls him Damn Lotus in the note he left LLH when he went to look for the styx flower. CN fanghua fans on weibo managed to painstakingly transcribe the note (see forayuarchive's tweet about it here with the eng translation) - it's extremely informal and reads like a short note a spouse/partner would write when leaving their shared home in a hurry.
i also still can't believe LLH calls FDB "xiaobao", it speaks for itself. 小宝 Xiao Bao (literal meaning is "little treasure") is usually something you call literal babies/children AND is FDB's family nickname for him so if you're calling a grown man that in front of his parents and his colleagues and strangers and literally everyone, then he's either your biological family or he's your bf/partner. (it's a level of intimacy that would make me feel embarrassed as a third party hearing LLH call FDB that in front of everyone😭)
and not to mention the deleted line of FDB calling a sick/unconscious LLH "xiaohua'er". (see video & meta of the deleted line by forayuarchive here, translation of the deleted line by ttiesanjiao here). xiaohua'er is so intimate, definitely something one might call a lover 😭
(*for more name meta, see forayuarchive's twitter thread meta about all the names that FDB and LLH call one another, and in what situations each particular name is used)
in any case these are NOT what a disciple calls his shifu or a son calls his dad. these nicknames are far too informal and familiar - no son talks to his father like that and no disciple talks to his shifu like that. (now, an angry spouse however...)
(there's also the fact that FDB explicitly rejects their relationship as being anything other than that between 2 adult equals - when LLH jokes that FDB should bow to him as disciple, FDB immediately rejects the idea, saying that he was only joking about wanting to be LLH's disciple, that FDB is too old now. he firmly sees himself as an adult equal to LLH.)
tl;dr within months of knowing each other, LLH & FDB act as familiar as an old couple 10 years married, skipping the entire courtship stage 😭
#fanghua#mysterious lotus casebook#fang duobing#li lianhua#莲花楼#mlc meta#there's more to say about the names they use for each other but this post is alr getting long#sometimes i see ppl saying that LLH and FDB are like dad and son and um... well you can all interpret anything you want#im just saying that as a native chinese speaker the way they talk to each other is NOT shifu & disciple at all#(UNLESS IT'S THE MO RAN AND CHU WANNING KIND OF DISCIPLE AND SHIFU/SHIZUN)#its even less son & dad😭😭 (v much NOT son & parent dynamic like omfg even if a child and parent were v close they would NEVER talk to#their parent like that in chinese culture. NEVER. bc it'd be so rude that at that point ur rejecting ur dad if u call him like that)#(as in straight up not seeing that person as ur dad at all. rejecting them as a parent entirely)#(bc FDB does NOT see LLH as anything other than an equal)#compare FDB & his mom - he is v close to her. he is playful with her but still always calls her Niang ('mother')#edited the post several times im so sorry for how many times i edited this
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2x03 // 2x10 // 12x07 // 15x08 // 16x02
↳ Charlie + father figures
#iasip#it's always sunny in philadelphia#charlie kelly#mac mcdonald#dennis reynolds#frank reynolds#ada's gifs#ada speaks#16x02 is a rough watch for me because i feel bad for charlie more than anything#with the scene with his mom earlier and then this. he just lost his bio dad and he's sitting here watching mac snub his uncle#charlie's dad wasn't there for him. charlie's uncle is a predator. charlie stayed behind to parent his own mother.#he does want a father figure. he knows mac does too.#just like in 2x10 mac takes everything he has for granted and doesn't realize how lucky he is#charlie would have taken a shitty dad over no dad
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how many of you would get mad at me if i said that mulder fucking another woman while wearing scully’s crucifix necklace is one of the most romantic things to ever happen….like, gothically and punitively so….it’s like….well, it’s like…it’s like “aw boohoo he has to get laid because he’s so sad his partner is gone” but like for a person who never allows themself any indulgence or respite or attention, who therefore only has sex as penance. only in blood. and it’s like…yes, it’s self-harm, in many ways, but in many ways it is also confession. crucifixion, as a laying down of sin. bless me father, for i can’t save them, and i miss them anyway. crucifixion as being watched over…when he asked maggie, “why did she wear this?” and maggie answered, “because i gave it to her.”
#when you don’t believe in god but you believe in her so you give yourself religious guilt#he literally……he puts it on for his first case without her. for his first time away from home without her.#and therefore endows this kind of omniscient presence into it#it really is like being watched over. confession.#‘vampirism as an allegory for devotion and religion and abuse’ episode i am sorry i was not your mother#not everyone got it but i did#like….top 10 television episodes of all time. not just this show.#txf.txt#3#also it’s an admission.#it’s an admission that he can connect with someone and desire that type of connection#he’s capable and maybe he wants it. maybe it means something.#the trust and care that existed between him and kristen has existed with 100 other women and never been anything more than#friendly and respectful#but maybe when it really comes down to it he does want to be seen in another light and that is a lot to admit
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daily link click: 9/10/23
relief
#link click#link click spoilers#qiao ling#li tianxi#i got an ask askign for more moments of them but i didnt see it so i just. had an angstier doodle#ill give u more ql and xixi momence i prommy...#this doesnt mean anything btw i just want them to hug#i think xixi wld have soooo many issues and would latch on to any older woman who's relatively nice to her#because she's literally never had a good female role model other than her mother and shes surrounded by men who want to kill maim
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the parallels between morrigan and the mage warden (especially one who snitched on jowan and so isn't automatically doomed if they stay in the circle) both being unceremoniously kicked out by their parental figures from the isolated nests they've been cooped up in all their lives and sent flailing out into the real world to test their wings. the love that you can read in between the lines there from irving, and even flemeth -- in both cases this is a cause of action taken partly to save their children (from the circle, from the blight, from the isolation and constriction they would be doomed to otherwise), and in both cases it also opens them up to a world of new dangers. (I wonder if irving knows how many grey warden recruits die right off the bat. from his general character I think he might take that chance even if he knew because otherwise the circle is all but inescapable, but from what he says to amell/surana at the time and how set duncan is to keep that particular detail on the down low I feel more on the side of him not being aware.)
irving at least is encouraging and explains the outlines of what he's thinking even in his hurry to get you out the door, flemeth takes the opportunity to get in a few more stabs of emotional abuse haha. but I think my amell looks at morrigan's shock and partial dismay to be sent away with them so abruptly (and despite everything, the sting of it being so easy to do on her mother's part, emotionally) and feels a sympathetic sinking in her stomach. because yeah she knows that feeling too
#there are some lines from morrigan that makes me think something kind of bad might have happened to her#the last time she left the wilds? she says that when she returned home to flemeth last time she never meant to leave the wilds again#:( morrigan baby if anyone fucked with you... tell me we'll hunt them down for sport and kill them#dragon age#dragon age origins#morrigan#warden amell#oc: sophia amell#first enchanter irving#flemeth#I'm a decade older now and playing this part again with more adult eyes... seeing morrigan try SO HARD to create one little moment#of connection; of care -- saying she doesn't want to come back to the hut burned down and framing it as a dig; a joke#and even being that careful even being that roundabout she gets shot down SO brutally by flemeth and it hurts to watch#I feel almost parental about it all more than anything this time around like. oh morrigan I'm so so sorry about everything#'I am many things but I will not be the mother you were to me' sobbing I'm so proud of her
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(Idk if someone asked this already) since we’re on the topic of gender
sci what is gender to you and how do you see it in you and how you express it in your art?? (Just a young queer artist who wants some light shined upon them 🥺)
i 'unno ¯\_(ツ)_/��
#gender is soup#sci speaks#i'm so sorry i know you might hope for something profound but... i think when i'm put on the spot like this i can't say anything really#i think whatever i am is definitely pervasive in everything i write#but like.. gender means something different to wade than it does for peter.#just like it'll be different for everybody. we make different associations based on our experiences and our trauma.#like.. wade associates femininity with love. because of his mother. associates masculinity with violence. because of his father.#peter associates masculinity with responsibility. because of uncle ben. associates femininity with confidence. because of aunt may.#i think there's all kinds of reasons why we choose to present the way we do. and what gender means to us.#just like we'll associate a colour with something. or a smell with a memory. it's complicated.#i don't think i'm some kind of expert on gender things but... i just find it interesting to explore. the psychology of it.#i don't think it's supernatural. it doesn't come from nowhere. but it should be a playground.#i don't think anyone in this world should be restricted to a certain role to play. i want to try all the roles and see how it fits.#see how well i can play them.#maybe because i haven't found one that quite fits. so i want the opportunity to try whatever i can. see what feels right.#i think it would be fun to be a wife. i think it would be fun to be a husband. i think it would be fun to be a firefighter. i think it wo#shrugs. different outfits for every day. different roles to play.#today i'd like to try...#i think it's like kids learning how to be adults by playing pretend. by playing roles.#i'm learning more about myself and other people and fitting into the world by trying on different roles.#kids playing house. you be the mom. i'll be the dad. yadda yadda.#i still feel like a bit of a kid who hasn't figured out how to be an adult yet. so i'm still trying out roles to see what fits.
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“Of course you have an Other Brother,” he says, waving off her denial as he opens some nearby cabinets. “Who else would I be if I wasn’t?”
Small WIP sketch of the Other Brother from IDKSomethingClever99’s fic “Mari in the Pink Palace”!!! OMORI and Coraline are my two biggest interests ever so this fic was like winning the lottery for me. Not to mention how good it is… please go read it ragh
#omori#omori au#omori sunny#coraline#this fic cured my artblock and writing block partially too is there anything it can’t do#Idksomethingclever99 what are you PUTTING in this thing it’s like a drug in the best way possible#Anyway this is a really lazy and terrible other brother design… I had so many other ideas for his outfit#I had wanted to keep the bug motifs the other mother has in her outfit as well as referencing the recital#Cause. You know#mari’s perfect world#Where he gets good at the violin lmao…#But I got lazy so here was a very simplified design I made#Fingers yearned for rest couldn’t draw complicated ideas I had…#Anyways anyways love this fic#So much#god#i fucking love how mewo is portrayed too#She’s like a weary mother trying to give some tough love to her kids landkrk#She’s such an asshole but I say that affectionately#Not to mention the fact that she didn’t info dump like the cat did in coralline to mari because she was more focused on getting her home-#-and safe from the beldam than actually telling her what he was doing… christttt#And yes I will still call him the beldam#Them??? Idk djdjdjej#I also love how all the other friends are gahhhh… I can’t WAIT to see their other forms when mari’s getting the eyes#Fun fact this drawing was originally meant to be a redraw of that one scene with the cocobugs#Since it’s super pretty and I wanted to draw it#But it’s not in the fic yet (next chapter I think?) and the author takes a lot of creative liberties which I LOVE so I wanna read the scene#First before attempting to draw it#But I really hope they lean into the uncanniness of Sunny of all people surrounding himself with bug imagery#Since that goes against what mari knows about him a LOT and will further cement that something is NOT RIGHT with this guy
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and I think child modelling should be illegal I'm not even joking
#I dodged it but like it truly felt like we were pigs raised to slaughter. slaughter being prostitution#every little detail I remember now as adult with basic child psychology education from my teacher background is just. how#I'm not brave enough to say 'jail to mother' (yet) but honestly...#what wrong could come from making a bunch of girls used to lying about their age ignoring being made uncomfortable and disrespected#especially by adults who can make all sorts of rules and claims on their bodies and schedules that are treated as secrets#I had the best experience possible and I am certain I did get pimps approaching me my mother and contractors#and even then I felt very weird that I was often sent to nightclubs that only allowed adults as clients but since I was there to get on#stage as work then I could get in and actually I got instructed to keep on 'vip areas' that typically had a lot more drugs circulating#the heels the clothing and makeup I got put on were also so wrong#I didn't hate it at the time some things made me uncomfortable but I liked dancing I liked fashion and I liked how the fact I was 'making#money' made me more respected in my house and I started getting more independence (that I probably shouldn't have been given either)#but ugh the existing photographs already make me want to throw up and I am glad there aren't photographs of the worse 'dance' jobs I did#very strange little universe#I also feel like I was the only girl that didn't have an eating disorder but mostly cuz I already had problems with alcohol that did the jo#but also I got in much older than the other girls and out pretty fast#crazy that 13 is old but like you genuinely hear of 6 year old who are responsible for a considerable portion of the household income#YIKES#the compliments I got on managing to look older and 'being so mature'. yikes#anything that allows a child to be the one making most of the family's income is a receipt for disaster#.txt
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i'm seeing three times as many people bitching in the tag about the very idea that someone might not like this breed than i see people actually expressing unambiguous dislike for this breed
#the preemptive counter-bitchers are consistently orders of magnitude meaner and more uncharitable about it too#like i'm convinced at this point these people just have these counter-bitches ready to go on launch regardless of actual reception#it's starting to feel like they just fill out a generic “what moral failing can i accuse the potential idea of dislikers of” template#and post it as soon as the thing's out whether or not anyone actually complains much less the way they accuse people of#these people are getting to the point that even when it's about something i unambiguously *like* i still have to resist the urge#to comment “fr staff aren't gonna fuck you bro”#there's like 11 different posts all insisting that the only reason anyone could dislike the new breed is fatphobia#meanwhile i scrolled down the entire tag and found like 2. maybe 3 people that even mentioned it in the same post as disliking the breed#before anyone gets ideas i'm generally-neutral-to-appreciative of the attempt at moldbreaking on the breed#and am completely indifferent the weight of dragons. the only thing i care about is if the design is original and interesting#a vast majority of the dislike posts i've seen so far have been in the vein of “nah man this one's just not for me” or “too maggot”#or “i hoped for an eldritch horror”. and there's not that many of these dislike posts in general. especially compared to normal.#meanwhile the counter-bitching has all been like “YOU'RE ALL JUST GREEDY UNPLEASABLE ENTITLED WHINY BABY FATPHOBES DIE MAD”#it's like this every time and i feel like it takes less and less to get people going like this every time#it almost feels like they get angrier faster the *less* anyone actually complains in the first place#a behavior pattern i'm well versed in from experience with my mother#and they always seem to get angriest at the most mild polite complaint posters rather than any of the actually questionable ones#like they'll ignore someone spouting clear fatphobia to go fling bigotry accusations at someone who just said “eh i kinda hoped for scary”#they also consistently have a bad case of “fr players are a monolith who all ask for the same things”-brain#i don't know what it is that makes it so fr players are so insecure about liking anything that the possible existence of anyone who doesnt#makes them feel like they're being directly attacked#flight rising#i suspect it's downstream of a similar kind of “we know if we don't get what we want we lose our chance because the devs are fickle” thing#to the fundamental flaw that doomed the minecraft mob votes
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i should talk more about Boar Boy on main so here's the current Companion Opinions Rundown
Aloth: Was super frustrated with him for playing dumb on the Awakened thing for so long cos Alder had clocked him pretty much since Maerwald. That said, they do actually get on pretty well! And they Get Each Other the best out of the group on account of the. yknow. being Awakened.
Iselmyr: See the problem is Alder kind of likes her. The problem about this is that he he Absolutely Cannot Admit that she is A Person in any way for the sake of his own sanity.
Edér: Started out chill but people being Weird about either him being godlike or him being a druid is a big sore spot, and you bet your ass Edér was/is obliviously delighted by Alder's spiritshift. Also, the way Edér interacts with Iselmyr makes Alder uncomfortable for the same reasons as above.
Durance: Alder attempted an active conversations with him one (1) time before deciding it is not worth the headache and has since resorted to simply not paying attention to him. This drives Durances up the WALLS
Sagani: Dwarf solidarity!! 💪💪 She's easy to talk with, they vibe with each others' sense of humour, and they bond over exchanging stories of their homes since they're from opposite ends of the.. world? continent? and are both foreigners in these lands. He's chill with Itumaak too :)
Kana: He's... loud. Nice, but loud. Alder is kind of fascinated by Kana's curiosity and kind of wished he could share it, but his energy and Presence get a bit much over long stretches of time.
Hiravias: Only just met him, but made a strong impression for sure fhskfdjsl. He isn't weird about Alder At All despite being a druid and in fact doesn't even worship Galawain?? That's cool. And you gotta respect his commitment to the bit (eating raw gust full of shit).
Grieving Mother: Met her even more recently than Hiravias her but he had a very visceral reaction to the. All That and very complicated feelings. It was really unsettling but also feels like being just out of reach of answers or understanding or something important of some sort, so he pleaded asked her to stay with them
#basically his bestie so far is sagani and after that aloth#he is neutral-friendly with kana and hiravias#and complicated with eder iselmyr and the grieving mother#durance barely even qualifies as negative tbh alder does not care about him enough to be anything more than annoyed fsdkfljsl#and maybe morbidly fascinated?? in a ''WHAT is going on in his brain (i don't actually want to know)'' way#lay rambles#pillar posting#<- for poe rambles#poe spoilers#oc: alder#my ocs#also should be noted that overall he isnt *trying* to be standoffish but he only just returned from hermit life#so he is trying to relearn How To People#but he also just got blasted with a gazillion weirdness affliction beams so making friends isnt exactly a priority right now#and also he is a foreigner who Just Got Here so all this politics and history are making his head spin
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Ok I watched It. It wasn't that bad but man, they really killed my man Daniel Valencia....... A lot of characters in this are death, some I understand but Daniel? I feel like he still had antagonistic potential, I'm not feeling this new guy Marcela brought (also he vapes, It destroys his serious bad boy persona, he Will never have the swag and presence Daniel had lol)
Camila Is the most pedantic character ever, of course they write her like this so she can have a character arc, but that doesn't make her less annoying tbh. Seeing Betty like this makes me so sad. She lost her job, her family, her daughter for a company that doesn't respect her... Everytime Camila talks about Betty, It makes my blood boil.
Hugo dress was ugly but he's right about Camila lol, same as Ignacio. Sorry but they'll never make me side with a #NepoBaby
Sandra queer Icon, I love you. Still best member of the cuartel 🥳 such a shame Mariana Is not here anymore because I shipped these two so hard, but choosers can't be beggars I guess
Theory Time: Daniel Valencia was innocent and was framed by both Armando and Mario for the shady busisness they hinted in EP2
Until next week ✌️
#yo soy betty la fea#post0400#I have to make a confesion here first: I'm not a fan of most stranged daughter/mother plots#because most of the time. is Women being shamed for doing what most fathers do#dedicating time to their carrers. I doubt Armando was more at home than Betty but of course#a women being anything other than motherly? shamefull sin#so unless they reveal that Betty was botherline neglecful. I'm not siding with Camila#I want to have a open mind because this is not the 2000 anymore and of course the series has to adapt to modern sensibilities#I'm going in with very low expectations#I had a decent time at least
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going from isat to edging back into kirby is so insane to me because i forgot just how much the kirby fandom loves fandomified found family
#i saw someone call susie a mother. she would put her children through unethical experiments#i knowww i keep talking about it but its insane to me#actually i think my irritation for fandom found family tropes comes from kirby#because of the people who like. downplay and ignore kirby’s capabilities in favor of having meta knight protect him#like. no kirby is more than capable of holding his own. hes killed god. thats literally a fandom joke. wtf are you talking about#bonnie isat makes sense because theyre a weaker character due to their age and the adults want to protect them more than anything#itd be very different if bonnie had godlike power. kirby is not a bonnie. kirby is different#i get the instinct to want the adults to protect the child but like. idk its a pet peeve. is it just me#hell itd make sense if it was a mp100 situation where the situation is unfairly put on a child but thats not really the context of the games#or even the anime. lmao the anime tells kirby to pull himself by the bootstraps and shit#and like. im not opposed to characters adopting the kid characters bc thats stupid#its the characterization change and conformity to the nuclear family that bugs me#echoed voice
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...
#had an interesting conversation with my sister the other day. odd i guess bc my sister is pretty smart#on paper shes smarter than me. or at least less dyslexic than me#but she didnt seem to kno what cancer is. i mean like how it works. i mean. cancer is a mistake. a confluence of unfortunate accidents#leading to unrestrained cellular growth. when it metastasizes. when it moves to other parts of the body. those same cells continue growing#if u have smooth muscle cancer and it moves to your kidney. you body is trying to grow more smooth muscle on your kidney#at least as i understand it. and she asked why it wants to kill you. it doesnt want anything. it just is. its not a thing of malicious#intent. its neutral. it grows. it takes up resources. it takes up space. and it grows and grows until the organ it grows on stops#functioning properly. like a parasite she said. but no. not like a parasite. it grows like an empty space. a mass of flesh. a constant#obstructive pressure. it grows like only a tumor can. i dunno. it didnt seem to connect with her that this thing didnt want to kill our mom#but it did anyway. and she felt weird about how long she lived after they took her off any support. but thats how cancer kills#it stops an organ from functioning and most of those r important so it only takes one. so her heart kept beating for 12 more hrs bc it was#meant to beat for 40 more years. but not much it could do without working kidneys and without working blood#but that's life. that's death. that's nature. its all nutral even if it feels horrible to the individual.#i dunno. i thought it was interesting. shes 25 and her mother had cancer for 10 years so id think shed kno more#we're at a weird phase now bc its been a week since she died and everything feels normal. we'll see what happens at the wake this week#its been interesting for sure bc she was sick for 10 years but my parents didnt prepare at all for her to die#so my dad is scrambling to put together the pieces shr left behind to make sure that all the bills r paid and whatnot. he had to guess her#computer password. she didnt tell us what she wanted us to have. she didnt tell us the importance of her jewelry and who it belonged to#before her. i dunno. we're seeing the outline of my mothers Pathology in what she left behind. both in the physical objects and in the#feelings she imparted. i dunno. its been weird#unrelated
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