#I want the combo meal with a side of what’s that pussy like?

[selfishpresley]

Me interviewing Checo: wow and last question— from a fan— do you want to feel what the back of my throat is like? Oh my— unless— no— but— let’s ask another! Can I slob on your knob?— well—

Checo:

[dirtysvthoughts]

the jihoon brain rot continues besties 🥹 this is inspired by @bluejeanstrash who (as far as i know) came up with the idea of rich ceo husband! jihoon, and this year’s gda has given me so much ideas:

tags/warnings: rich ceo husband! jihoon, wife! reader, fluff to smut, smut portion contains pet names (darling, pretty baby, etc.), mentions of sexting and nudes, thigh riding, mentions of fingering, ass grabbing, he’s just so hot y’all and i’m upset i can’t have him do things to me 🙃

rich ceo husband! jihoon who would:

absolutely love spoiling you as his pretty wife, even of you don’t ask for it. one day, you came home to a beautiful, expensive silver necklace with a note attached that read: “just cause. i love my darling.” - JH

cater to you in more ways than one - everyday when he gets off work he’s calling and asking if you need anything, a meal, something from the store, whatever you may need, he’s going to fulfill it for you. if he can’t go out and get himself, he’s gonna send someone to get it for him.

be the type to kiss you on your forehead while you sleep before he goes off to work in the morning.

like the original author said, everyone in the company knows who you are and they don’t dare disrespect you. if jihoon finds out that you’ve been disrespected, they’re getting fired on the spot. he doesn’t play about you.

adore you physically (from head to toe) and emotionally. you found each other at the right time in your lives, and you mean so much to him. even though he’s not the best with his words, he wants to prove how much he loves you with his actions.

now for what y’all have been waiting for:

whenever he wears his ap or other luxury watches on his wrist, your pussy can’t help but clench. a hot man with an expensive watch on hand is such a lethal combo.

sometimes when jihoon has to stay at the company late (dealing with one of his artists or another business venture), he can expect some form of a sext, sensual pic, or even a nude from you when you’re needy. you lace your message with such sweetness (“daddy come home, please? 🥺🥺) that is has him wanting to tease you, but it has him craving for you too. he ends up just telling you to wait patiently like a good girl until he comes home.

rich ceo husband! jihoon has such soft dom! vibes, he loves fucking you against the mattress, hearing your cute little voice call for him, hearing you whine for more. would say stuff along the lines of “mmmm, take this dick, just like that.. fuck yeah, pretty baby” and “say my name again, you make it sound so pretty in that mouth of yours.” also, jihoon would definitely adore you calling him sir!

many a late night is spent at home with you riding his thighs, both of you on the sectional that takes up most of the living room. his suit jacket is tossed on another side of the couch, his white button down has the sleeves rolled up, his black tie is a little loose, and his long hair falling delicately on his eyes. jihoon LOVES roaming his hands across your legs, waist, but he loves it even more when he grabs your ass and you bite your lip in response. when you’ve come all over his pants, and his dick is hard from how good you are, you’re kissing his neck and jihoon’s caressing your face, telling you to take off your panties so he can finger your wet cunt next.

[loveanddeepdick]

matchup #6

want to participate in my matchup event? click here!

trouble is around the corner, your date is..

toji fushiguro!

┈┈・୨ ✦ ୧・┈┈

he had his arm draped around your shoulders, leaning back against the red, puffy chairs of the diner. he smelled of cologne, metal, and smoke. not cigarette smoke, or smoke from anywhere else you’ve ever smelt, he smelled of smoke from a large, passionate, fire. as if he had it burning inside him at all times. it was around 9pm. the diner had some customers, but not too many. the large jukebox was playing a random elvis songs that some old geezer paid to hear and the clinking of utensils filled the gaps of silence in between songs.

“pick out what you want, yeah?”, his hand came down to rub your shoulder, his thumb caressing the sides of your oversized t-shirt. he twirled your brown hair on his finger, creating a small helix as he gazed at how it shined underneath the diner's fluorescent lights.

"hm.. i think i'll just have a regular combo and a milkshake.." you mumbled, focusing on the laminated old menu.

he nodded, agreeing with you, getting the same thing. after your orders were sent in by the old waitress who seemed to be working there 24/7, toji turned to you, his arm still wrapped around you.

"this ain't too bad of a date, ain't it?", he chuckled, trailing his eyes across your face.

"toji.. are you sure you can even pay for this? you have a job that can barely pay for a gallon of milk", you dramatically sighed, clutching your bag with your wallet inside just in case.

you and toji weren't officially dating but had known each other for a while. strangers to mutual friends to friends to whatever you two were now. you had told toji that you had a date today but bailed on you so him being the good friend (who was secretly head over heals for you), he took you out instead.

"i think you should be out.. i dunno.. doing whatever dangerous things you do in your free time. like rob a damn bank or something", you laughed, taking a sip of the iced water left on the table in front of you. there was always tension between you two. shiu could sense it as well, not letting toji in a 10 mile radius of you or else he'd be all over you.

"i wanna be with you, dollface"

you scoffed as your food arrived. you and toji sat in silence for the most part, enjoying the meal that he surprisingly did pay for. getting up after the check, toji wrapped his arm around you again as you both walked out to your car.

"doll, im serious, i really like you", toji mumbled, sighing as his head tilted up to look at the night sky,

"hmm.. yeah?", you smiled mischievously. of course, toji liked you. you liked him back as well, you just wanted to hear more.

"want me to prove it to ya or something? i really fucking like you and i'd be damned if that mustache fuck-faced shiu asked you out before i did".

┈┈・୨ ✦ ୧・┈┈

"really fuckin' like you, ma", toji mumbled. his face was in between your legs. knees were up on his burly shoulders and your hand was buried in his black locks of hair.

you almost feel the scar on his lip as he dragged his tongue back and forth on your clit, his hands gripping your tan thighs and coming down to squeeze the fat of your ass. you couldn't even respond, drunk on the feeling of his tongue exploring your insides, prodding against your pussy before sliding up to your clit again.

"'want you so—" suck "—fucking bad. 'wanted you since i saw you two years ago walking in the room with shiu—" slurp "—and i wanted you. only you. you and your sexy ass and pretty fuckin' face".

you tugged on toji's hair harder, signalling that you were going to cum soon.

"yeah, sweetheart? wanna cum on my face? say you're mine then. say you'll be mine forever"

"i—i’m yours, toji! yours- yours forever!"

you could feel the smile against your pussy as his face delved in deeper, using the flat of his tongue to run up and down from your clit to your hole.

"f-fuck, toji—i'm gonna—“

"go on, sweetheart, cum on my face, come on, don't run away. stay with me", toji groaned as his calloused hands dug into your hips, keeping you in place as you spasmed on his face. after letting you ride his face as you came, you looked down at him, his mouth and chin covered with your slick as he grinned down on you.

"you believe me now? that i want you?", he chuckled as he leaned down, attacking your neck with kisses.

"yes, yes!" you squealed, attempting to push him off while reaching to grab your panties that were thrown to the side. he grabbed your wrist, pinning you down again before rubbing the space between your belly button and your pussy. your eyes widened at the sight of his erection below you. he lifted your legs, folding them into full nelson before rubbing his clothes erection on you.

"oh, you didn't think i was done, were you? you're my woman now, i gotta make sure it'll show too".

┈┈・୨ ✦ ୧・┈┈

hiii i hope you enjoyed this and here is your pinterest board!!! thank u for participating 💗💗

[eggsaladsandwhic]

Vash Headcannons (SFW and NSFW)

Follow my previous posts about the Poly Knives x OC x Vash CollegeAU fic I'm doing so here's some ideas I gotta dump.

SFW/General

Ecology Major vibes, is also getting an Ethics minor

Hates chemistry with a burning passion

Makes a lot of friends, but only hangs out with a few so he doesn't overwhelm himself

Nurodivergent Vash!

(He/They)! Or (They/them) either works

Doing a stem degree while having ADHD and anxiety sucks so much but Vash thrives in it somehow

College has really been flaring up his plant traits lately, has to call Rem or talk to Nai on the weekly for help (Though Nai just keeps telling him to stop repressing it)

Has to wear long sleeves or hoodie a lot to cover up the feathering leaves that pop out.

Vash doesn't realize it but it's anxiety that's causing it, but Nai started lending him some compression shirts and so it's gotten better

BUFF DADBOD VASH (this idea possess me)

He's gotten better with dealing with stress and no longer resorts to starving himself

GOES TO THERAPY(one of these twins gotta do it)

Between Nai's cooking, drinking on the weekends, and the amount of donuts this dude can eat he's living his best life

Works out when he gets the time and bowls competitively

Wants a significant other (Mates for life) but it's so hard, especially when starts thinking about the fact he's not human

Has a fear of having someone he really loves and then them finding out he's a plant and reacting negatively. Vash thinks Nai and him would likely have to move back to the facility with Rem. He doesn't want to uproot the lifestyle him and his brother have

Gets a little depressed about it, but is really good with having a support group on standby

Gets hit on at bars a lot but it always flys over his head or they're too pushy about it.

Wolfwood sets him up with dates once in a blue moon but it goes horrible or the girls just don't like him for more than his looks

Physical touch is this man's love language and he just wants someone he can lean on

Add someone who likes doing domestic activities?? Y'all are going to the courthouse next week

Wants to just curl up next to someone even platonically at this point

Has an agreement with Nai sometimes that they sleep in the same bed like when they were kids (Nai always grumbles about it but sleeps better that night anyway)

Nsfw Below 👇

OH SHIT OH FUCK

(NSFW)

So I did some research today and did y'all know that wild purple geraniums have a tendency to be Hermaphrodites

YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS

Vash is a dual package (living the dream ong)

Plantussy and Plantdick combo meal

So I imagine that his dick would sit above his vulva and vagina? Testes would likely be internal (genuinely trying to form an anatomy basis I'm actually looking at a diagram rn)

As for his female organs I'd say he consented to a hysterectomy because it was causing growth issues (post op sucked but he figured it out)

Took testosterone for awhile until everything was functional

Became a lot more sexually comfortable with himself after this

6.5in prehensile tentacle dick, bumpy rounded ridges on the sides and little more on the girthy end

Has more of those downy soft petals that unfold during sex, and dick likely has a sheath because it's more fleshy (kinda like the inside of your mouth)

Hyperspremia and leaves a mess everytime he jerks off, squirts a lot too (probably got a dedicated bath towel at this point)

He has fucked himself with his own dick and usually prefers to

Owns quite a few sex toys and likes to experiment around a little bit

Goes from a Fleshlight, a regular dildo, has a couple fantasy ones, and anal and prostate toys

High sex drive, but can cum pretty quick (short recovery period, usually goes 3 rounds but can do more)

Rut is 10x worse too you'd be lucky to make it to the fridge

Makes sperm plugs during rut

SWITCH VASH(still a virgin though)

Desperate sex kinda guy, gets pussy drunk or cock dumb so easily, folds like a chair no matter what

Make him unfurl his wings out it means he trusts you so much

Please go down on him and absolutely devour him

Very sweet though and would definitely check in a lot (check in with him too it makes him feel fuzzy)

Has a sex awareness to not hurting you accidentally, during rut he's very nervous about it

Aftercare King (loves to shower or take a bath after)

More of a hickey giver than a biter

Usual kinks: Breeding, Pegging, Overstimulation, Cum play, cockwarming, Oral, Praise, Hair-pulling

Unusual: Blindfolding, Shibari(both ways around), Begging, wants to be degraded a little bit

Jesus my brain went wild there, I was doing research for some of this shit. Was supposed to be doing Geochemistry homework but this happened ¯⁠\⁠_⁠(⁠ツ⁠)⁠_⁠/⁠¯. Anyways gn y'all I got a 9am.

[russett-pots]

What's your ideal breakfast in bed? Choose 1 idol to have morning sex with and also please describe what your breakfast meal would be, any dishes and breakfast items from around the world are fine.

The Morning After

Kang Hyewon

Words: 0.8k

Just a dumb idea to answer the ask.

Short answer: Hyewon; longgasnia with a fried egg and garlic rice, with some French-style scrambled egg on top of some buttered toast, and a pair of hashbrowns. Finally, with some pineapple juice.

Warning: wrote while barely awake so barely edited it.

You wake up with a stunning girl beside you. Looking down at her alluring beauty, her aura shines despite the rough sex you had the other night. Your soft lips kiss her forehead, waking her up. Her eyes open slowly as her face fully forms to the complete picture that you always wanted in your life. Her hand moves up to your cheek and gently lays on it.

“Good morning, sunshine,” Hyewon greets you.

You look down on her and respond. “Good morning.”

“You know, I’m still ready for some action.” Hyewon looks at you. Her gentle face turns away from her innocent charm but into the same face hungry for your cock.

She pulls out the blanket, revealing the naked two bodies that are still naked from last night. You lay there on your back as Hyewon moves between your legs. Her elbows prop up her chin as her hand moves down to hold onto your cock.

She moves up to give a delicate kiss on your kiss before she does the same with your tip. Her tongue swirls around the head as her cold, but soft hand gets a grasp onto your shaft. She pumps it slowly as she continues to tease your tip.

“I can already taste your pre-cum, Oppa.”

Your only response is a groan as your lean your head back as her tongue-hand combo already begins its ritual on your cock. It slowly starts. Her tongue licks the underside of your shaft as her hand plays with your balls.

Your length enters her mouth as her tongue licks your cock all around it. She bobs her head up and down as she continues to move faster. She would release her mouth to catch her breath but only before she would start to suck onto your balls while using her hand to continue to pump you.

“Fuck, Hyewon. Don’t you ever get tired of this?”

“Sucking you? Never. I always want to please you, Oppa. Now let me just….”

She pops off your cock and moves her knees on either side of your legs.

“Can I just?...”

She holds onto your cock to align it again with her cunt. Once more, she wants it. Once more, she wants your cock to fuck her.

“Hyewon, I can’t….”

“Can’t?”

“Don’t you want this?”

“Yes, but…”

She leans in a whisper. “Let me do the work. Just tell me when you’ll cum then I’ll swallow it whole. I’ll swallow your entire cock whole.”

You lean back after being tired, but you hold onto her waist, allowing her to impale herself on you. As she promised, she’ll do it. Her ass moves up and down. Your long, girthy shaft slides in and out as she continues to move all around.

Her pussy moves forwards, backward, right, left. She breaths heavily on your ear. The airwaves tickles your ear canals. She leans towards you, with her cold nipples poking onto your skin. You grab onto her. Your arms are wrapping around her waist until her back. Essentially, hugging her closer to you.

“Fuck, Fuck Fuck, Hyewon. I’m close.”

She gets off you and gets her mouth back onto your cock again. She is hastily pumping on your cock. Her tongue welcoms it by swiveling all around.

“Hyewons, it’s going to…. “

She swallows it whole again. Just like last night, her mouth takes everything in. The round of the bitter liquid shoots inside. Each throw just satisfies her thirst for your cum.

“Hyewon, why the fuck are you so good?”

With her cheeks still filled from all the cum that you spat inside her, she looks up to you with glee. Then gulps down everything and opens her mouth, revealing the empty mouth.

Her tired body shows it all; she moves to her side of the bed and lays there again.

But you have a great idea to show your appreciation. You sneakily go to the kitchen and whip up a lavish breakfast for her. Both of your favorites, your special longgasnia with a fried egg and garlic rice, with some French-style scrambled egg on top of some buttered toast, and a pair of hashbrowns. Finally, with some pineapple juice to both wash down the food and all the cum she just swallowed.

“Hyewon, I got a surprise for you!” You present her with the marvelous meal that you just prepared. Propping up the bedside table for her to eat, you place it in front of her. You feed each bite to her.

“Oppa, are you hungry?”

“Me. I’m already full after watching you eat. But if you want me to have something?”

You move in between her legs and start going to town by eating all of her pussy. She moans as you continue to insert your tongue, play with her clit and do all wonders to her.

[r3almellow]

Kiro, Gavin, Shaw and Their Kinks (NSFW)

Apologies for the lateness! This was a little difficult to write because I have so many ideas for our boys. Its so hard to stick to just one thing, but I hope this read is still enjoyable! 

Warning: NSFW

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Kiro (Overstimulation and Facesitting): 

Learning about what Kiro likes is pretty easy! He’s actually very vocal about the things he wants and likes to introduce his interests in very cheeky ways.

A perfect example would be, whenever he’s out touring and he sends you random pics of outfits or accessories that are definitely not meant to be worn outside the bedroom.

My Sunshine: Look at how cute this is! This would totally look good on you!

Miss Chips: A catgirl maid outfit?! I meaaaan...it does look really cute, but don’t think I didn’t notice that cat tail butt plug! And it comes with an open crotch thong too? What are you planning, mister?!

My Sunshine: 😜

One of Kiro’s favorite pastimes is eating you out. Just being able to taste you drives him wild. He loves it even more when you’re riding his face. 

You might be a bit apprehensive with doing something like that if its your first time. What if he accidentally suffocates? How would you explain that to Savin?

Don’t forget that Kiro wouldn’t mind passing out between your legs. He’d go down doing the things he loved most and that’s you and eating.

Jokes aside, Kiro doesn’t play when it comes to his meals and if you’re on the menu you better prepare yourself.

He’ll have your thighs on either side of him, your pussy, already wet and aching for him, hovering over his parted lips. If you hesitate to lower yourself, Kiro will blow a hot breath against you and lean up just enough to run his tongue over your slit, tempting you to lower yourself. 

Kiro likes having you grind yourself against his face, so he can glide his tongue along your folds as he holds your hips in place, lapping up the juices from your overly sensitive body.

In this position, you’re in control of the movements, but Kiro is the one who really holds all the cards with his skillful tongue. 

Speaking of overly sensitive Kiro’s love for pushing you to the limit knows no bounds. 

He loves seeing you pleading under or above him. 

You could be at your limit, shaking with tears threatening to fall from the sensation of your body throbbing and he’d still keep going. 

“Come on, Miss Chips, you can handle a little more, right? That’s a good girl...let me hear you....”

Honorable Mention: Roleplay

Gavin (Creampies and Cockwarming): 

Finding out what Gavin’s kinks are is super difficult because he never talks about them. 

You’ll have to ask him and even then he’s just like “I don’t really have any preferences.” DON’T BELIEVE HIM! HE’S LYING! 

Once you’ve convinced him that you’re open to trying things then he’ll hesitantly slide in a few ideas the next time you get intimate.

Gavin likes a lot of things when it comes to having sex with you, but he does have a few favorites.

Filling you with his cum and cockwarming are the top two.

Gavin loves cumming inside you for a number of reasons.

One, he loves the look on your face as he fills you with his seed.

You’ll look up at him with half lidded eyes, eyebrows knitted together and  parted lips, struggling to let out a final moan and Gavin is just so enamored with you in that moment. 

Now for the second reason, your man has a borderline breeding kink, but will never admit it.

You already know Gavin would want nothing more than to have a family with you, so this shouldn’t be a surprise. However, admitting that he likes knowing that one of these days you two will slip up and a baby or babies would be the end result of your passionate night together would probably kill him.

After a night of lovemaking, Gavin likes being inside of you for as long as possible.

There’s a level of intimacy that far surpasses that of the actual act of sex when you’re laying on his chest, no words just the sounds of soft breathing, and the warmth of you surrounding him. 

He’s never felt more connected to you than when you share moments like that. 

That being said, if you’re ready for round two all you have to do is move your hips painfully slow and you’ll feel him get hard inside of you.

“Mmm...if you keep moving like that... I can’t....promise you’ll be able to sleep tonight.” 

Honorable Mention: Breasts Worship

Shaw (Electrostimulation and Public Sex): 

Shaw likes a little danger and the thought of you bent over as he fills you up at the risk of someone finding you in such a position is such a thrilling feeling. 

And he loves to take you in random places. In an alley, bathroom of some nightclub, police station, ect. 

He’s such a tease about it too. You two could be on a packed train with your body pressed against him to avoid touching others and you suddenly feel his hands caressing your thigh and ass. You’ll glare at him and all he’ll do is smirk.

God forbid, if you’re wearing a dress or skirt because he will slip between your legs, push your panties to the side and stroke your sensitive clit. 

When whimpers escape your lips as he slowly moves his fingers, you’ll have to bury your face in his chest to prevent others from hearing you. 

You’ll be upset with him afterwards, but more upset with yourself because you’ll want nothing more than to do it again. 

Your most memorable moment is when the two of you were in an almost empty movie theater and he convinces you to sit on his lap. 

You got to cuddle while watching a movie, it was nice and sweet...until he started kissing your neck. 

You nudged him away a few times threatening to go back to your seat and each time his movements grew bolder. From sliding a hand up your blouse to him ripping your drenched panties so he could slide himself into you.

Your lucky the sounds from the movie were loud enough to block out your moans and even luckier that the theater attendants didn’t feel the need to check all the seats. 

Was it crazy that a part of Shaw wanted them to find you being fucked like this? Of course and yet he was tempted to find out the consequences for such lewd actions.

Now, when you’re in closed quarters Shaw really likes using his evol to stimulate you. Obviously this comes with a lot of trust so Shaw will only use his evol with your permission. 

Once you give him the go ahead you’re in for an interesting experience. He pays very close attention to your movements so he can gauge how to use his evol. 

You’ll feel his fingers ghost over your nipples and your body instantly reacts to the light jolt from the tips of his fingers. 

One thing he loves to do while having his cock inside you is stroking your clit while using his evol. Its a three hit combo that’s sure to turn you into a trembling mess under him. 

“Look at you.. Haha...so naughty...begging for my cock like this. Want me to give you more?” 

Honorable Mention: Orgasm Denial 

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Bwah! Can’t believe I actually finished this one! I really hope you enjoyed it! For more MLQC stuff check out my masterpost!

[finn-ray-nal-beads]

BITCH YOU’RE BASICALLY AT 300 FOLLOWERS! SO GIMME PART 2 TO THAT PHILLIP ALTMAN BLURB YOU WROTE FOR ME YOU BEAUTIFUL BITCH!💖💖💖💖💖

A/N: BITCH I AM SO SORRY IT HAS TAKEN ME THIS LONG TO PUT THIS OUT. I HOPE YOUR WHORE ASS LOVES IT @historyandfandoms50

Warnings: obscene amounts of marital bliss and fluff, pussy eating, mentions of a blow job, domestic love, appliance fucking (if that’s even a thing), large amounts of smut, slight degrading language (only once or twice), nipple play, slight pain play

(Present time)

“Holy fuuu-cccc-kkiinggg shittttt, honey!” Crying out on top of the brand new washer and dryer combo you and Phillip just had delivered not even an hour ago. 

“Yeah babe?” he thrust his twitching cock into your squelching pussy, “you like it when I fuck you on our new shit?” 

You let out a sinful moan as the warmth from the heated dry cycle added to your already overstimulated senses, “God yes Phil, honey, I love it when you fuck me on things!” 

(A few hours earlier)

It was a lazy Sunday morning, you both had woken up the average way, Phillip nose deep in your wet pussy, licking kitten stripes to disturb your dreams. It was his favorite meal of the day, as he called it, tasting your wetness built up from the almost eight hours since he’d fucked you the night before. His cock weeping at its head from the no contact for that long as well. He got his fill as you unraveled around him within minutes of his assault on your throbbing hole, looking up at your blissed-out face. His goatee and mustache glazed like a donut, licking your sweet juices from it like a salve. 

After a well-placed blowjob to rid him of his morning wood, you both had fully gotten out of bed and went along with your day. He made a pot of coffee downstairs, while you showered and did your Sunday self-care routine. Slipping on your favorite leggings and t-shirt combo, you gathered all the dirty clothes from the week, placing them in the hamper after they had been sorted. You both were excited to finally have a washer and dryer in your house instead of dragging your clothes to the dry cleaners. The delivery would be here any minute and you wanted your laundry to be ready the second it was hooked up. You made the bed, fluffed the pillows, and headed downstairs with the hampers to drop them off in the mudroom before heading to the kitchen. 

Upon descending the flight, the smell of fresh brewed coffee and omelets filled the air, causing your eyes to roll back into your head. Your husband despite all of the behaviors he exhibited outside your shared home, had the best domestic side to him. He cooked, cleaned, and took care of you every second he could do so. He doted on you every chance he got to, bringing home your favorite flowers, bottles of expensive wines, exquisite lingerie, and sweets when he found your favorite vices. You were spoiled rotten by him, and of course, you treated him the same way. The love you both had for each other exceeded any kind of love you had been familiar with in the past. He was by all accounts the perfect match for you and you, to him, were his whole world and nothing more. Friends and family even saw the affections when you were around him, and they made every single point to be supportive and sometimes jealous at the sappy love you two had shared. 

You and he didn’t want to have it any other way though. He was your best friend by all accounts, and you would be satisfied if he was the only person you interacted with for the rest of your life. 

You walked into the kitchen after dropping loads of laundry off by the space for the new appliances and grabbed a cup out of the cabinet. 

“Hey babe,” he turned around, shirtless and in joggers, sipping some coffee himself, and turning an omelet over in a pan on the cooktop. 

You walked over after filling your cup and ran a hand up his enormous back, caressing the moles and freckles spotted all over the expanse of it, “hi honey,” you sang while lifting yourself on your tiptoes to kiss his cheek. He moved his face upon feeling your soft touch and wrapped his arm around to kiss you properly, only breaking when the eggs started to bubble. 

“Breakfast is ready, and I got a text that the truck will be here any second with the set,” he smiled into your puckered lips again, causing you to moan out in excitement. 

“Can’t wait,” you whispered, moving your hands to wrap around his thick middle, gripping the skin a little tighter than previous. 

“Oh babe,” he cooed, “is my little wife still not over what happened this morning?” he teased putting the spatula down and flipping the stovetop off bringing his large hands to grip your ass cheeks. 

“I just love you, so much honey,” you smiled running your hands up to his chest, leaving light nail marks on his tits. 

“I. Love. You. Too. Babe.” he punctuated on every kiss he left around your lips, cupping your heat in his palm. Just as things were about to get steamy, the doorbell chimed. 

(Just before the MAGIC)

“Thanks, guys!” Phillip waved off the installers while you immediately filled your new machine with the dirty darks you’d been saving. 

Flipping the unit on, you watched the majesty of your very own washer working to clean your garments, almost bawling at the thought of never seeing a coin-op machine again. 

“You like it, babe?” Phillip stood in the doorway of the laundry room, leaning to one side of it, admiring your curves as you bent down to grab the other hamper with the whites in it, easing up and setting it on the bench next to the dryer. 

Turning around glassy-eyed, you jumped into your handsome husband’s arms, “h-holy shit, Y/N!” 

“I love them, honey,” you almost sobbed into his naked neck, as he tightened his grip on your waist, causing your legs to choke his middle. 

“I’m so glad babe,” he pet your damp hair, moving it out of the way so he could pepper your perfect neck with kisses. 

His soft lips sent a shiver down your spine, causing a whimper to spill out of your mouth. He took that as a sign and began sucking perfect welts along the length of it, the colors growing darker and darker the more he trailed downward. 

“God I love it when you whine like that,” he growled into your ear, biting the delicate flesh, causing you to look up from your hiding spot. You enveloped his swollen lips in a searing kiss, his hands gripping your ass once again as your arms fell behind his head, tangling your digits in his hair. 

He moved to set you on top of the new dryer, letting go of your cheeks and moving up to your perky tits hidden behind your t-shirt. You had forgone a bra for the day, so the access was simple. He snuck his large hands around each tit, twisting your nipples in his rough fingers, causing you to cry out again. 

“Fuck, Phil,” you gasped as he pinched your hardening buds, “I need you, honey.” 

“Oh ya?” he smirked, kissing your clothed tits, taking in your scent, “you need me to do what baby?” 

He twisted them again, this time with a little more fervor, “O-oh fuck-k!” you wailed out. 

“Use your words honey, or I’ll leave you alone,” he taunted at your pained face pleading for him. 

“I-I need y-you to fuck m-me,” you said with tears streaming down your face. 

He hushed you, rubbing the wetness away, coming in between your legs to rub his hardened cock on your clothed pussy. 

“Take your pants off love, or I’ll rip them off,” as he turned the dial on the dryer, to a cycle. 

You squirmed your leggings off, baring your nude and throbbing cunt to his eager eyes, “so wet for me, baby,” licking his lips as he turned the machine on. 

The vibrations from the dryer sending shockwaves through your aching clit, you set yourself back on your elbows, exposing more of your mound to your husband’s eyes. He pulled his pants down, palming his angry cock and lining it up with your entrance. 

He grabbed both sides of your hips, sinking his dick into your wetness, the both of you collectively moaning in complete pleasure. He held himself still, admiring your writhing around from his dick pulsing inside you and the vibration from the dryer underneath. You looked utterly delicious, and his hunger to make you come spurred him into a frenzied series of animalistic thrusts. 

(Back to present time)

Balls slapping up against your little asshole, your elbows propped burning from the sensation of rubbing against the top of the dryer, you scooted yourself forward removing your top as he adjusted his angle to fit your needs. Your bouncing tits at his eye level, he took one in his mouth sucking as hard as he could. Your hands weaving into his head in a death grip as he mercilessly fucked you for all he had. 

“G-god baby,” he stammered, “I’m s-so f-fucking c-close.” 

“Fuck-k b-babe,” you moaned out over the many noises, “s-so am I.” 

His hand moved from your tit to your aching clit, rubbing his thumb in tight circles over it. Your pussy tightening around his cock as he sent you into a blissful orgasm. 

“Jesus fuckin’ C-Christ honey,” you cried out, milking your sweet nectar on his pulsing cock. He thrust in and out a few more times, the overstimulation from your hole throbbing around his member sending him into his release too. 

“God, babe,” he growled out coating your insides with his seed, “You are so fuckin’... beautiful,” he whined out on the final release of his remaining spend. 

Just then, the dryer alarm rang, signaling the end of the cycle he’d set. You both looked up connected still and looking utterly fucked, and laughed out loud. 

“Well,” you patted his back, “at least now we know how long we have until the dry cycle is over!” 

He chuckled, helping you down from the machine, and handing you your leggings, “indeed we do honey.” 

He swatted your bare ass bent over looping your feet through the legholes, to which you stood at attention and smacked his bare chest. He put his hands in the air if he hadn’t touched you ever, and you rushed into his body in a bear hug, or a ‘baby bear hug’ as he liked to call it. 

“I love you,” you kissed into his little tuft of hair on his sternum. 

“I love you most,” he snaked his arms around you, kissing your head and rubbing your back. You both left the mudroom, changing the laundry as the day went by. 

Now, the new tradition you had both agreed on was every new big thing bought for the house had to be ‘christened’, making buying things a little more fun in the future. 

You fell asleep that night curled up in Phillip’s embrace, stroking his every feature on his sweet face as he was lulled off by your presence. All you could do was smile and think about which shiny new thing you all were desperate for next. You’d ponder it more when you didn’t feel so tired from gazing at your sleeping husband. The last thing you saw was his precious freckles fade into your memories as you drifted off. 

_____________

PHILLIP FUCKING US ON ANYTHING IS HOT AS FUCK LIKE NO CAP. I REALLY HOPE THIS TICKLED YOUR PICKLE BABE. 

🖤,

ray-nal-beads 

[shockapella-sweet]

Are you still doing the ship meme? If so, how about FaradayCage aka $500ElectricBill aka Raiden/Johnny Cage? Strange but I wanna know your thoughts. And yes i put effort into the ship names 😂😂😂

Lord above, how is it that I’m only getting to this meme now? :O Sorry for the hectically long wait! But yep, Nonny, you definitely put a lot of effort into the ship names (that last one, yeeeesh). X3 Let’s get into this:

Who cries when someone dies in a movie – Johnny, especially when he’s rewatching his flicks: it’s a combo of him getting invested in his character and the film plot, and getting emotional over his “wonderful” performance when his character bites the dust. A bemused/done Raiden is there to be his pillow to cry into, basically.

Who wears the ugly holiday garb – Johnny, oh so much. He’s super into the festive season, ugly sweaters and all. Expect him to coerce Raididdy into wearing sweaters with something like Christmas trees on them, with the words “Get lit” beneath it.

Who pays for the meals – It’s automatically JC. He will break the bank in order to treat Raididdy to the finest meals in the VIP sections at top-of-the-range restaurants. ‘Sides, I don’t even think Zeus Daddy carries cash.

Who slams the oven door and who plays the trombone – Johnny will play the trombone, and a weary Raididdy will play a ditty on the oven door. It’s probably at this point that the Thunder God is wondering why he’s dating an Earthrealmer in the first place …

Who brings home stray animals – “*Sigh* Johnny, why did you bring this cat here?” “Because the Sky Temple’s a thousand times’ bigger than my apartment, and you don’t have a nasty landlord pushing an anti-pet policy.” “Yes, but this is the third cat you’ve brought here this month –” “You can never have enough pussy-poos, bubba. Love ya, byyyeeee.”  

Who leaves the bathroom door open – Neither … unless JC leaves it open intentionally so that Raiden can get an eyeful as the actor undresses for his shower.

Who tells the ‘dad jokes’ – … I mean, we all know it’s Johnny, right? X’D Either Raiden doesn’t get them, or he does (and when he does, he’s left in an inner pile of cringe for days).

Who wants kids more – Raiden’s happy enough to be a step-father to Cassie, plus he’s content with being a fatherly figure to Liu Kang, Kung Lao, Kung Jin, etc. Johnny, on the other hand, wouldn’t mind having another child (I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s considered surrogacy or adoption). Watch this space. ;)

Who travels more – Both. As Earthrealm’s guardian, Raiden travels between the various realms to make sure peace relations are maintained. He also travels a fair bit to the Wu Shi Academy and to S-F HQ for similar purposes, as well as to catch up with friends and allies. JC’s job with SF also keeps him on the go around the world and beyond … not to mention his ol’ acting hustle takes him all over the show.

Who spends more cash – Johnny, duh. Again, Raididdy doesn’t carry cash. Heck, he probably doesn’t have or need any.

Who buys the things in infomercials – “Raiden, I’ve got us a pair of identical Snuggies so we can totally twin it out! And you’ve got to see this Hawaii Chair that I bought – think of how much fun we’ll have sitting on it! Well, you sitting on it, and me on you. Or reverse. We’ll take turns.” Yeah, even Raiden prays for divine intervention when JC goes on these informercial shopping sprees.

Who draws in the dust on their cars – Neither. Johnny never lets a speck of dust grace any of his cars in his collection. As for Raiden, he’d rather not get dust on himself.

Who starts the snowball fights – What’s a great way to loosen up an uptight Thunder God? By chucking a snowball at him, of course! At least, that’s JC’s perspective. Oh, how he pays for it when Raiden gets into these fights.

Who throws away the directions to things – Johnny: “The only time  that I need directions is when I’m on-set with James friggin’ Cameron, a multi-camera crew and a masseur.” Oh, the amount of times Fujin has heard Raiden griping about his man’s inability to follow directions (and the inevitable failures that come with ‘em).

Who puts up holiday decor – Both. Johnny has always been the one to put up holiday displays and decorations, especially back in the day with Sonya and Cassie. Now, he goes absolutely mad in decorating a place like the Sky Temple for occasions like Christmas or Halloween. Raiden, who’s well aware of Earthrealm’s various customs and traditions – and appreciates their purposes, namely how they bring family and friends together – also plays his part in putting up decorations. Besides, he knows how much these occasions/decorating practices mean to Johnny.

Who is more likely to forget to bathe – Neither. They keep it clean, these two.

Who gets more obsessed about things – Raiden. He’s very thingy and strict about things in general. As for JC, he’s the opposite (unless you count the informercial shopping sprees).

Who sings in the shower more often – Johnny, duh times two. From mainstream songs and classic tunes to making up his own ditties, he will belt it out as if he’s Mariah Carey herself. Raiden appreciates the, uh, effort.

And that’s the last shipping meme done! I hope, Nonny, that you found the answers decent, even though I made you wait 50+ years for them. Thank you for your patience. ^3^

[analogscum]

DON’S PLUM (2001, d. R.D. Robb)

Why is it, my dear Scumbags, that forbidden fruit is the sweetest fruit of all? Why is it that, when we know that we can’t have something, it only makes us want it that much more? This applies to any number of life’s pleasures, but especially to movies. Just think of the number of films that are out there, just waiting to be viewed, but because they’ve either been lost to time, or the powers that be have locked them away somewhere, we may never get to experience. London After Midnight. The Day the Clown Cried. Until recently, anyway, The Other Side of the Wind. Well, tonight, thanks to the magic of illegal YouTube uploads, I’m here to tell you about some of that forbidden fruit. We’re going to talk about a film that its stars do not want you to see (if you live in America or Canada, that is), a film that to this day they continue to try and bury via any legal shenanigans they can. So get ready, because it’s time to take a big juicy bite out of Don’s Plum.

To start, we must talk about the nineties. In the nineties, two big things happened that allowed Don’s Plum to come into existence: the advent of low-budget Indies with cool kids talking in verbose, provocative lingo (see: Pulp Fiction, Clerks, Reality Bites, Kids, etc.), and the teen heartthrob coronation of Leonardo DiCaprio. As an infamous New York magazine profile from 1998 established, young Leo ran with a gang of fellow young thespians who would be immortalized as “the Pussy Posse.” The modus operandi of the Pussy Posse was…well, you can probably guess what it was. These guys were all about scoring chicks and getting loaded and not tipping waitresses, and they lived like goddamn boy kings. Leo was the leader, with his two best friends Tobey Maguire and Kevin Connolly on either side of the pussy throne. Other members of the Pussy Posse included David Blaine, Lucas Haas, and R.D. Robb, who you undoubtedly remember as the kid who played Schwartz in A Christmas Story. Anyway, around 1995, Robb had a boffo idea: if I could get my hands on a camera and some black and white film, I could shoot my friends doing what we do every night, just hanging out acting like douchebags, and somehow this will magically congeal into a smash indie hit. So Leo and Tobey, who were allegedly under the impression that this was just going to be a short film, gave Robb a bunch of money to make this thing, which he did, casting Leo, Tobey, Kevin Connolly, and a bunch of their other friends, shooting on and off for a two year period, with the young actors improvising almost all of their dialogue. And with that, let’s get into the finished film itself, shall we?

Los Angeles. The mid to late nineties. Everything is in black and white and super fuckin’ suave, because, again, it’s Los Angeles in the mid to late nineties. Jeremy Sisto is driving a pickup truck with leopard print seats. He kicks a hippie chick out of the passenger seat, mumbling something about “I need…pleasure. And…I need…to know that with…BRUTE FORCE, I got you out of my life, mmkay?” So, uh, right off the bat, um, that dialogue. Yikes, right? The hippie chick, for her part, gets very angry and yells, “You were supposed to take me to Vegas!” Don’t worry, we never find out why she was going to Vegas in the first place, or who Jeremy Sisto’s character is, because he then promptly drives out of the movie. Bye, Jeremy Sisto! Beep beep!

Cut to Tobey Maguire, who looks like he just finished going through puberty roughly five minutes before Robb called “action!” He’s got a dopey look on his face, and an unfortunate bowl cut/chin scruff combo that makes him look like Shaggy from Scooby Doo. He’s sitting in a moody mid to late nineties café, drinking a comically large cappuccino, and half paying attention to the absolute worst goddamn music I have ever heard in my life. The end credits describe this band as “acid jazz,” but I think a more accurate description would be “music to try and swallow your own tongue to.” It’s like a fiendishly unlistenable combination of free jazz, ska, Tom Waits hobo wailing, and beat poetry, and it should’ve been left back in the nineties where it belongs, alongside Olestra and the Kosovo war. Tobey is trying to pick up some ladies to bring to hang out with his friends later, but oddly enough none of these women want to hang out with an arrogant sad sack who has all the charisma and sex appeal of Uncle Joey from Full House. Meanwhile, there’s like a full-on burlesque dance number happening to accompany this zoot suit cacophony, and the director only occasionally cuts to it for a few seconds at a time. I guess, who needs to see a big splashy musical number when you can watch a comic relief wet blanket who just got his first pubes strike out with every woman he talks to, right? Luckily, the café waitress takes pity on him and agrees to accompany him to meet up with his friends, and then does basically nothing else for the rest of the movie. Occasionally the scene will cut to her to remind us that she’s there, but, like, is she really there, though?

Jenny Lewis from Rilo Kiley is sitting facing a dude who is showing his bare ass to the camera, because that’s how real fuckin’ life just is, maaaaan, not everyone always wears pants, dude! They apparently just had sex, even though she’s fully clothed, and they get into a philosophical argument about nothing and everything, as if they’re in the worst deleted scene from Slacker. Even though they clearly hate each other, the dude, Brad, invites Jenny Lewis to come meet up with his friends, and she makes some overly hostile joke about how he didn’t make her cum earlier, because low-budget indie movie. Next we see Kevin Connolly driving down the street in his Jeep, when he encounters the hippie girl from the beginning of the movie, like a couple of star-crossed blabbedy blahs. Finally, FINALLY, we’re introduced to Leo, when he borrows a comically large mid to late nineties cell phone from this little hood rat kid who insists on telling him some boring story about a brawl at the Viper Room even though Leo is CLEARLY trying to use said comically large mid to late nineties cell phone to call up every fine young female he knows to meet up with him and his friends. This makes the little hood rat kid very very angry, and its supposed to be funny, I guess? Anyway, like they were all fated since time immemorial to do, all of our leads finally converge down at the titular greasy spoon eatery, Don’s Plum.

Now, have you ever been at a restaurant, and you find yourself sitting near a table of people who are so obnoxious, so vapid, so relentlessly annoying and unpleasant, that you can no longer enjoy your food, and just find yourself eavesdropping on every improbably stupid thing that these goddamn condom leaks are rattling on about, slowly being pulled further and further into their vortex of suck? You have? Well, then, congratulations, because that experience is the rest of this fuckin’ movie. Jenny Lewis and Brad are the first to arrive, and what do they do? They start playing a goddamn harmonica. Um, no. Hell no. I’m trying to enjoy my meal in relative peace and quiet, you know what I don’t need? Your shitty ass John Popper impressions, ok? Get that shit all the way outta here. Then, just to really up the insufferability factor, Jenny Lewis starts opining about Bob Dylan, but she only calls him Bob, which, you can take that one away from here right away, and then launches into the following diatribe...

“You know what I’m so sick of though? All that fucking commercial grunge crap. It all sounds alike. It’s like the record companies that are promoting sterile music. I mean, I love Nirvana, don’t get me wrong, but they weren’t the Beatles.”

WOOF. Mercifully, Brad interrupts her to tell her that he loves her, even though it’s their like, first or second date. She’s reasonably creeped out by this, and just by how earnest and dark and brooding Brad is in general, until thankfully Tobey and the waitress show up, soon followed by Kevin and the hippie hitchhiker. Leo gets his own grand entrance, checking himself out in the reflection of an aquarium while some mid to late nineties boom bap hip hop blares on the soundtrack, natch. For the next hour or so, the group basically just chain smoke countless cigarettes (remember when restaurants had smoking sections?), harasses their waitress, Flo (hey, it’s a mid to late nineties indie movie, were they supposed to NOT name the waitress Flo?) and talk shit endlessly. They also say the word “bro” a lot. Like, a lot a lot. Like, way too much. The world’s most date rapey frat dude would tell them to relax with how much they say the word “bro.”

Suddenly, in between all of the cigarettes and “bros,” a morbidly obese lady walks past the table, and Leo mocks her for daring to be morbidly obese. The hippie hitchhiker takes umbrage with this, and Leo, charming guy that he is, calls her a “squatty piece of hippie shit cunt.” This escalates to the point where the hippie hitchhiker storms off, throwing her Birkenstocks at Leo, and then smashes Kevin’s windshield with a bat that she found…somewhere? Anyway, she’s out of the movie now, and replacing her is Jenny Lewis’s friend Constance, who they just happen to run into. So more bullshitting and chain smoking unfolds. Female masturbation is discussed, because mid to late nineties indie movie. They play Never Have I Ever, and Kevin doesn’t understand the rules, which is kinda endearing. They almost get into a fight with some creep in a mechanics outfit and Buddy Holly glasses. A horrible ska cover of the “Menomena” song from The Muppet Show pops up for a minute of your life that you’ll never get back. Leo sends the group into more turmoil when he outs Brad as bisexual and gives Tobey shit for being vegan. He also gropes Jenny Lewis’s breasts countless times, but no one seems to mind. They all fight about this for awhile, but eventually apologies are offered and they’re bros once again. However, upon learning that Brad is into both girls and guys, Jenny Lewis begins freaking out about AIDS, because ugggh. Then she and Constance start making out for absolutely no reason other than mid to late nineties indie movie. At one point, the film fades out for no reason, and then fades up again on the exact same scene just in time to hear one of the ladies ask the table, “do you guys bathe every day and, like, wash yourself with soap?” Meanwhile, the film will occasionally cut to short vignettes of the characters each saying non-sequiturs into the restroom mirror. Why? Again, because mid to late nineties indie movie. DUH.

The absolute weirdest scene occurs when Kevin Connolly notices a lady producer whom he auditioned for the previous week. He calls her “Spielberg with a pussy,” because of course he does, what else would he call her? The rest of the table convinces him to go talk to her. To both our surprise and his, when he tentatively approaches her at the bar, she’s like, Oh my god, Kevin Connolly! It’s so good to see you! I’m sorry you didn’t get that part you auditioned for, but get this, I was just watching your tape again the other day, and I want to cast you in the lead in this other movie that I’m doing! Not only that, I have to admit, I find you and your Cub Scout haircut and thrift store bowling shirt to be super fucking sexy, and later on tonight I wanna fuck your brains out so hard, so take my number and call me, hot stuff.

WHAT?!?! Like, is this supposed to be a fantasy sequence? Is it? If it is, you have to tell me, movie! Shellshocked and erect, Kevin returns to the table and recounts the whole thing, including the line “bro, it was crazy, bro! She was on my dick so hard!” Leo, meanwhile, is wearing some fake redneck dentures, talking in an exaggerated Southern accent, and eating his own boogers. This is all real, you guys, I promise.

Anyway, some more shit happens, and everyone is yapping about some stupid, possibly offensive nonsense when suddenly a lady at the next table over slaps the guy that she’s with. Hard. Slaps him really hard. Our heroes get quiet for less than a second, before remarking on the slap that just took place. Holy shit bro, that bitch slapped that guy so hard bro, bro bro bro bro, etc. When things get back to normal, Leo is suddenly quiet and sullen. Kevin notices, and tries to coax it out of him the best way he knows how, which is by asking, “you fuckin’ thinkin’ about something, bro?” Leo starts giving all of these cagey, mysterious non-answers, and before long everyone at the table wants to know if he’s fuckin’ thinkin’ about something, bro. Leo takes a deep drag off of his cigarette, and tells everyone, “my dad committed suicide bro.”

WHAAAT?!?! I’ve gotta say, I honestly did not see this coming. In a mood, Leo storms off for the back bar. Jenny Lewis follows him, and tries to make him feel better by relating her OWN familial sob story: “My dad is gone. And my mom is a junkie. She sells her ass on the corner.”

WHAAAAAAT?!?! All of these sudden dollops of soap opera drama, man! Good gravy. For whatever reason, this turns Leo on, and he tries to bang her. She rebuffs his advances, and they get into an overwrought screaming match that plays out like a Level One improv exercise at the world’s shittiest acting school. Meanwhile, back at the table, Tobey gets mad at Kevin for pushing Leo to reveal the truth about his dead dad, and this escalates into a full on fist fight! BRO!

Now, holy shit, you guys, the last five minutes of this movie. Jenny Lewis runs into the bathroom, and begins lamenting into the mirror about how she let a “perfectly good fuck” get away. As she’s saying all this, she pulls some tinfoil, a straw and a lighter out of her purse and just straight up starts FREEBASING CRACK COCAINE.

WHAAAAAAAAAT?!?! Kinda makes all that AIDS talk seem kinda hollow, huh? Then, oh my god, she starts crying and launches into this fucking after school special monologue, screaming into the mirror about how “I was the one that came on to Uncle Jerry! I was the one that was curious!”

WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!?! Excuse me, waitress, but it seems you got drug abuse and child molestation in my mid to late nineties indie movie! What is ANY OF THAT doing in here?! And in the last five goddamn minutes of the movie, no less! So now Tobey and Kevin’s bro fight has spilled out onto the street, so Leo goes and breaks it up, he and Kevin do a very intricate secret bro handshake, everyone has a good laugh, Brad lights Kevin’s bowling shirt on fire, everyone goes prancing down the street, and the movie ends.

Now, imagine that you’re Leonardo DiCaprio and Tobey Maguire. It’s late 1997, or possibly early 1998. One of you is now the biggest movie star on the planet, thanks to a movie about a big-ass boat. You’ve just seen this Don’s Plum movie that your little buddy R.D. Robb made. First of all, it’s a full-length fucking movie, not a short like you both thought it would be. Second of all, both of you are in there saying terrible things about women, doing terrible things to women, and oh shit, the majority of your fans…wait for it…are women! Bro! But worst of all, our little buddy R.D. Robb, who we thought was our friend, our fellow Pussy Posse member, our BRO, is shopping this fucking movie around to distributors? This fucking movie that could possibly end our careers if anyone ever sees it? Tell me, if you were Leonardo DiCaprio and Tobey Maguire in late 1997 or early 1998, would you do everything in your power to make sure that Don’s Plum never saw the light of day?

Well, according to a lawsuit filed in 1998 by one of the film’s producers, David Stutman, that’s exactly what Leo and Tobey did. Interestingly enough, according to court documents, apparently it was Tobey who was more concerned with how his performance in the film would negatively affect his nascent stardom, and therefore enlisted his much more famous best friend to help him carry out “a fraudulent and coercive campaign to prevent the release of the film.” I mean, Leo comes off as WAY more of an asshole than Tobey, who mainly just mopes around and eventually bro fights with Kevin Connolly, but in any case, both parties eventually reached a settlement in which Stutman agreed that Don’s Plum would not be released in the U.S. or Canada. It premiered at the Berlin Film Festival on February 10, 2001, and quickly faded into Hollywood lore.

Every few years, talk of this wild, black and white, mostly improvised movie with some big celebrities before they got famous will pop up again. Most recently, back in early 2016, another of the film’s producers, Dale Wheatley, uploaded the film to Vimeo and posted it to his website, freedonsplum.com, where anyone could watch it for free. Within days, Leo and Tobey’s respective legal teams had the video removed. You would think that after more than twenty years, with Leo now a respected Oscar winner, and Tobey having brought Spider-Man to life on the big screen, they’d be willing to let bygones be bygones. But it seems that they’re still legitimately concerned that they would stand to lose their vaunted place amongst the Hollywood elite if North American audiences ever got to see Don’s Plum. They still fear it. They still think it’s dangerous. In reality, it’s just embarrassing, which isn’t the same thing.

Truth is, there are a million movies out there just like Don’s Plum. There are a million other overly earnest, needlessly vulgar, navel-gazing indie movies made by overly earnest, needlessly vulgar, navel-gazing young people about the lives of overly earnest, needlessly vulgar, navel-gazing young people out there. I mean, I went to film school, fer chrissakes, I can say with some level of authority that Don’s Plum is the sort of project that my classmates and I poured our hearts and souls Into, only to be embarrassed by its messy, guileless sincerity later. The only thing that distinguishes Don’s Plum from the horde of other cringeworthy embryonic efforts like it is, as I said before, its status as cinematic forbidden fruit. Will its two stars ever allow the audience that it was made for to have a taste? Somehow I doubt it, bro.

[omegaperturbatus]

supersede & replace

[ LOCATION: RAVENCROFT INSTITUTE FOR THE CRIMINALLY INSANE ] [ TIME: RIDICULOUS O’CLOCK ]

         { you’re having second thoughts but if we’re all going to pull through this, i’m going to need you to stop being a pussy--- spit, don’t swallow }

                   There’s a flash of teeth accompanying the gauche comment, the corner of her lips malevolently ticking upwards as a snigger rings out, a sound which the man isn’t necessarily certain if he’s unsuspectingly echoing or not - their collective patience is wearing thin much like the outer coating of the capsule currently tucked underneath his tongue, enteric layers encompassing bittersweet pharmaceuticals.

                             Artificial light burns through fatigued retinas and engulfs the boxed room, a means of sleep-deprivation facilitated as part of his ongoing punishment for embodying the ‘heinous’ sense of audacity to question authority. What was the big fucking deal - everyone had been given pie for dessert, what made David so different that he couldn’t partake in some too? The altercation hadn’t lasted for particularly long amidst multiple winding blows to the stomach with a truncheon. An ensuing insurmountable degree of stress which had cataclysmicly erupted from the depths of the man in self-defence, his plight rapidly resolved with a few sharp sparks of electricity-laced fingertips. There had been a moment where empty eyes glazed over the guard, noting the oddest nuance of serenity from the exact moment in which his heart had momentarily stopped---

         But they loudly reason to themselves that the vile specimen had had it coming, months of torment and snide remarks that had been irritatingly scratching away at the back of David’s mind. Voices incessantly chattering, increasing in volume with guttural chants to put the fascist in his place. A snot-covered, snivelling mess who took pleasure in breaking the weak and those far too doped up on a deadly combo of medication and tranquillisers to fight back. All the mutant had wanted was a slice...  Every morsel of food would help stave off the prominent amount of weight which was steadily dropping from him - the vessel David hadn’t witnessed his reflection in a while ( wasn’t particularly certain who would stare back ), but the blond could swear that he’d seen hollowed ribs poking out from stretched, pallid skin when clutching onto whatever degree of self-respect he could cling onto---

                   { hey, focus! so you didn’t sign some declarative papers, big whoop - we can’t let them move us, y’hear. what’ve they got you on these days? fluoxetine? quetiapine? benzedrine? dodecohedronine? cockedrine? they’re upping the dosage & have us in a straight-jacket like some cracked-up piece of shit from a looney tunes cartoon, for christ’s sake }

                             The pitch amplifies in its growing chaos, heterochromatic eyes abruptly shutting as the blond desperately attempts to concentrate in a failing bid to maintain his concentration, to drive away the ravenous and parasitic little beasties that encircle him akin to predators spotting an easy meal. Vying for his attention, wanting a taste of the sweet nectar of Control that was available for the taking. All wanting to take advantage of the fragile state of mind of their gracious host whose arms remain bound around him. All threatening his inner well-being.

                   “I rule me...” The affirming words are repeated religiously on a loop, an old mantra from an early therapy session that had made some leeway in aiding the perturbed individual’s drive to work towards the meandering journey of his mental health. Syllables fracturing into a terrified stutter as a heightened means of encroaching horror sets in. Flesh commences to crawl, hairs prickling to stand on end as David’s voice begins to violently quaver - utmost fear setting in as he vehemently avoids staring at the shrouded and malicious figure within his periphery, his swaddled form rocking gently on the spot, cowering atop the chair bolted to the ground at the centre of the room. The patient’s back remains turned to the surveillance camera trained on him, two sets of curious eyes watching with varied levels of interest, the blond murmuring to himself in his prolonged isolation ( he always did have the most entertaining of conversations during these late shifts ).

         This entire arrangement had been a mistake, the mutant can see that now amidst tired and dampened eyes, once ebbing clarity having regrouped into his consciousness like a jackhammer to the knee--- A vapid sense of sharpening lucidity suddenly threatened as pressure is exerted upon his throat, sinew straining against a tightening grip which causes for him to helplessly gag and struggle for breath. The adoptive visage for the Shadow King sneers back as the walls between reality and delusion begin to shatter and coalesce, a wag of her finger that soon sees the digit forcibly shunted into the depths of his mouth, curving inwards to retrieve the pill which had been teetering on being swallowed. Forceful exertion that sees the blond painfully fall onto his knees with a thud, curling in on himself in spasming waves.

                   { they’re scared of us. or should i say, of “you” - we’ll take care of it. you should probably take a nap, this ain’t gonna be pretty hon. cyndi, you’re up--- }

                             Paralysis sets in as the imperceptible figures swarm around him with swift ferocity, a blood-curdling scream shattering whatever peace had remained as needle-like teeth sink into the side of his neck, plunging deeper and deeper into his consciousness to take a hold of him. Tense muscles grow slack and limp as the man simply gives in to the all too familiar severe sensation, vision swimming into clouds as David takes a backseat in the entire affair, watching from the sidelines as one of the numerous personalities rattling around the confines of his head seizes complete control - the once recoiling figure straightening his spine, now standing tall and proud as a conspicuous gaze veers downwards at the layers binding the blond’s body.

*

         “Shit, now that’s definitely new...” Crumbs are wiped away from the crisp fabric of a white lab coat tainted by the remainder of a bear-claw, the two individuals cautiously leaning in to further inspect the footage as it slowly unravels - blazing embers suddenly burst, spreading throughout the straight-jacket with a fearless intensity, charred remnants fluttering to the ground as the patient angles himself to directly face the camera, head tilting to one side with the manifestation of an absurdly manic grin.

                   “What is that, an homage to the pyro from the Fantastic Fucks? Call it in, get the gas ready. D’they know he’s a---”

                             “A genequeer? Doubt it. Who gives a rat’s ass. I’m just glad to see the back of him. Haller is Hart Island’s problem now.”