#I wanna kms and cry forever

[minsungii]

tw: dead animal

Goodbye leo. I'm sorry I wasn't there to save you, I'm sorry I wasn't around much because of personal reasons. I'm sorry we didn't play enough. I'll miss talking to you and pretending you can talk back, I'll miss kissing you and hugging you. I'll miss cuddling you. I'll miss your barking, cute sneezing. I'll miss booping your nose, I'll miss your collar bouncing and the little bell noise it makes. I'll miss telling you I love you. I'll miss seeing you around the house. I'll miss everything. Thank you for all these years. You're the best first pet I've ever had. I hope you'll be happy and okay in doggy heaven. You can finally see again, and you can eat better, and you won't have anymore pain in your lungs. You we're such a good boy. I love you leo. My best friend. Rest in peace. 05/01/2023💔🕊🐶🐾

your best pal, best sister, bribri

Leo, dead. My last moment with my best bro.

[lover-girl1]

realizing we might not always stay in touch and that one day I might become nothing more than a memory to her

[fukounaboy]

:3

[post3l]

iam showing symptoms of mental illness!!!!!!!! /vent

[because-its-eurovision]

.

[uitzinnigmp3]

how the fuck do i deal with this pain

[ssparksflyy]

BUT I DONT WANNA DANCE, IF IM NOT DANCING WITH YOU ♡ !

pairing percy jackson x ballerina!reader summary (smau) just a few days in the life as a pro ballerina nd her loving bf ( ꈍ◡ꈍ) an guys i dont know anything abt ballet please dont come for me 😭 also!! first smau and first time writing in foreverrrrr

♡ liked by perseajackson, annie.beth, prettygirlpipes, hazelluvsu, clarisseswrld, lightning.mcqueen and others

soyn last few days in the studio have been soso hectic but im forever great full i get to spend them with some of the most beautiful amazing dancers in the whole wide worlddd ‹𝟹 ( dont forget to buy ur tickets for our upcoming recital !! )

annie.beth u guys literally look so good !! popped in the other day to help with lighting issues and oh em gee im so excited nd proud!!

⤷ soyn and u didnt say hello !! literally what !!

⤷ annie.beth my boss didnt let me ᴖ̈

⤷ soyn they hate to see us together fr

tallesttiptoes blood sweat nd tears going into this guys buy ur tickets ꃋᴖꃋ

⤷ soyn no literally like the amount of band-aids i have on rn ....

⤷ perseajackson can confirm shes gone through two boxes of hello kitty band-aids in the last month

lightning.mcqueen where can i buy tickets plsss (ㅅ´ ˘ `)

⤷ soyn TY JASON !! (balletwebsite.com) !!

♡ liked by soyn, letsbefrank, sillysallyjackson, underwoodz, annie.beth, fireboy, lightning.mcqueen and others

perseajackson day like forty seven of trying new recipes except when i tried making what i had originally planned i spilled like half of our salt ... we resorted to pasta but its a win cause my gf loves pasta

fireboy how the hell did u spill half of ur salt

⤷ perseajackson ive literally watched you intentionally put seven cups of salt into a cake before

⤷ fireboy ... and what im a salty man

⤷ prettygirlpipes we know

lightning.mcqueen waiting for the day u make me dinner ᴖ̈

⤷ perseajackson ill make u a full course meal bro dw

⤷ lightning.mcqueen bro ily

⤷ perseajackson omg no ily more

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soyn best chef in ny fr !! after ur mom ofc

⤷ perseajackson real i can never compete with her she'd eat me up

⤷ soyn its cause she's sally jackson babe dw

now playing ... birds of a feather by billie eilish

♡ liked by annie.beth, soyn, perseajackson, lightning.mcqueen, hazelluvsu, fireboy, letsbefrank and others

prettygirlpiper group met up at the fair this weekend nd omg ... i have not laughed n had so much fun since i cant even remember like core memory fr + everybody's fav couple making the whole fair feel single

annie.beth WE LITERALLY NEED TO DO THIS MORE IT WAS SM FUN

⤷ fireboy YALL DONT UNDERSTAND I HAVE NO LIFE IM FREE WHENEVERRR ( ˶•ᴖ•) !!

hazelluvsu i had so much fun except for when i almost died of laughter after watching jason lose at thirteen games in a row

⤷ lightning.mcqueen TRAITOR

⤷ perseajackson damnnnn u did my man dirty hazel

⤷ letsbefrank nah cause it was genuinely sad after a while

⤷ lightning.mcqueen percy ur the only one who understands me

soyn ily guys sm omgggg (pipes dont be shy send me that pic ˘ ³˘)

⤷ prettygirlpiper i gotchu pooks dw ♡

♡ liked by perseajackson, tallesttiptoes, letsbefrank, luvrgirlsteph, annie.beth, prettygirlpiper, fireboy and others

soyn im working late, cause im a singer dancer ( recital is in two days we r stressing but so ready !! )

tallesttiptoes OH YEAH im so ready (im not ready at all) literally so pumped (crying in my closet rn) i CANNOT wait (im going to kms)

⤷ luvrgirlsteph WE GOT THIS GIRL DONT KYS ‹𝟹

perseajackson ilysm babe u got this !!

⤷ soyn tysm percy ily (˃̣̣̥ᴖ˂̣̣̥)

⤷ prettygirlpiper omg i hate u guys #bringbacktoxiccouples

⤷ perseajackson stay jealous

hazelluvsu u got this yn !! ur an amazing leader i just know all the girls in ur studio r so lucky to be working with u !!

⤷ tallesttiptoes YESS WE AREEEE

⤷ luvrgirlsteph yn my fav dancer fr !!

⤷ soyn ilysm pretty girls ‹𝟹

now playing ... new years day by taylor swift

♡ liked by perseajackson, tallesttiptoes, annie.beth, prettygirlpiper, fireboy, clarisseswrld, lightning.mcqueen and others

soyn theres glitter on the floor after the party, girls carrying their shoes down in the lobby, and i am holding onto these memories as they hold onto me- we did it !!

perseajackson words cannot explain how proud i am of u babe, i literally started crying and the guy next to me hugged me and we cried TOGETHER

⤷ soyn NO WAY NO U DID NOT

⤷ lightning.mcqueen yes he did leo and i can confirm ill send u the pics rn

⤷ soyn THIS IS GOLDEN WHAT

fireboy THAT WAS SO COOL U LOOKED LIKE A PRINCESS I WANNA DO BALLET

⤷ soyn BETTTT LEO U GOT THAT

⤷ prettygirlpiper ohmygod i cannot wait to see how this ends

annie.beth U GUYS DID SO WELL IT WAS AMAZING !!

⤷ hazelluvsu my jaw was literally on the floor to whole time ꃋᴖꃋ

⤷ letsbefrank drop the leg day routine cause HOW

⤷ soyn STOPPP ILY GUYS SM (˃̣̣̥ᴖ˂̣̣̥)

© ssparksflyy ┊ ur user was inspired by so high school n so american - like if you put my name in it would be 'sobells' yk?? yk.

[spideysbruh]

Big Sis

requested- could you do a timothee chalamet x zendayas sister with taylor russel as the face claim (instagram au) please :)

a/n- HOPE YOU LIKE IT I LOVE THE REQUESTT

~~

liked by zendaya, tchalamet and 3,276,627 others

y/n don't play w my sister!!! or do... see what happens 🤭 Challengers out soon !!!!!!

view all 121,177 comments

mikefaist miss seeing you on set !!!

y/n liked

y/n I MISS YOUUU MIKEYYY

zendaya second pic... I hate you

y/n 😘😘

ynzendayastan CANT WAITTTT

garfieldyn already seated

dunesarrakis timothée getting to know his besties family fr

liked by y/n, tchalamet, tomholland2013 and 3,177,277 others

zendaya happy birthday to my bestest friend!! proud to call you my sister and to know you like I do. forever grateful for you.

view all 123,177 comments

y/n crying.

cinderellayn HAPPY BIRTHDAY Y/NN

tchalamet wonder who took that second pic 🤔🤔

y/n I do be eating

prettyyn omfg.

arrakisyn rue... when was this ?!!

liked by tchalamet, florencepugh, and 3,282,277

y/n so grateful for another year, this one was pretty rad.

view all 99,177 comments

tchalamet heyyy that's me !!

zendaya PRETTY GIRLLL

ynscurtains BITCHHH OMGGG YOU AND TIMMY KNOW EACH OTHER !??!?!

zendayayn her sister is zendaya ofc they know each other 😭😭💀

tomholland2013 missed playing ping pong with you !! best birthday party ever

textyyn I bet timothée took that second picture LMAOO

prettyyn this soft launch is killing me

tchalamet just posted a story!

caption- we may be a bit hungover...

@celebgoss just tweeted- BREAKING ‼️‼️‼️ actress and model y/n, zendayas little sister, and timothée chalamet spotted out and about in NYC getting close and spending a lot of time together!! new couple or just friends?

@scrawnymfyn replied- BROOOOO OMG I'M UP

@twlightyn replied- THEY WOULD HAVE THE CUTEST CHILDREN

@paulsyn replied- such a hot couple

@yn replied- never met him

@realchalamet replied to @yn- same who are you

@amoebayn replied to @realchalamet and @yn- i can't with yall

liked by tchalamet, zendaya, dylanminnette and 4,287,288 others

y/n recently 🌷

view all 211,188 comments

tchalamet wow

liked by y/n

tchalamet gorgeous

liked by y/n

wallowsyn THATS TiMMYYYY

rachelzegler literally flawless!!!

liked by y/n

megarayn this is the best timeline

shawnmendes nice!

yndefensesquad LET IT GO ALREADY 🗣🗣🗣

wonkaswhore he wants her back sooo bad he's embarrassing

laurieslaurence fr it's been YEARSSS

zendaya just posted a story!

caption- if he don't just sit down !!

liked by y/n, zendaya, tomholland2013 and 6,177,188 others

tchalamet happy anniversary, my princess. my love for you knows no bounds. seeing you smile makes me the happiest man on earth.

view all 762,177 comments

y/n love you so much I can't breathe

tchalamet i love you more

zendaya yall disgust me

heryn LMFAOOOO PLEASE

paulsarrakis god is real bc he bought them together

invisiblestringyn they're so cute imma throw up

liked by tchalamet, oliviarodrigo and 4,987,888 others

y/n i wanna leap when you want me to fly

view all 102,158 comments

tchalamet my favorite person

ynsheadphones they're too cute imma kms

spideyxyn THEYRE SO PERFECT FOR EACH OTHERRRR 😭😭😭😭

zendaya yall cute i guess

tchalamet just posted a story!

caption- wowww 😍

liked by tchalamet, rachelzegler, sabrinacarpenter amd 5,716,166 others

y/n just might be the luckiest girl alive 🩷🩵💜

view all

tchalamet ive got the cutest date of all time

ynsbracelet bro when will it be my turn

ynspillow im so obsessed with how happy she is with him

zendaya ill always remember when I first introduced yall 🥺🥺 so cute

rapunzelyn I WANNA KNOW THIS STORY OMFGGGG

tchalamet how are you so perfect?

liked by y/n

liked by y/n, rachelzegler, zendaya and 4,287,299 others

tchalamet ma moitié

comments have been limited

drewbarrymore you guys are too adorable!!!

y/n wait my duolingo isn't there yet

tchalamet liked

*

[shinfiatvlol]

Guys I have just finished watching this anime

my thoughts on this? hm, *begins a 7 hour crying session*

imagine this anime with an ava au and tdl tco would be the main characters i wanna im gonna kms no im joking but like ey hey hey he y ya get me?? uh im

fkdosjsidsddsdsdssdsdfeqfweIJHFHUAUFUDA slight spoiler down there

(the anime is about a girl having a crush on a boy although he didnt seem to have interest in her, she was a loud person while he was a quiet guy- and she got a mask that had a power to turn into a white cat that found the guy the girl had a crush on and the guy named the cat taro, and he loved the cat a lot and sad stuff happened, she was rejected, she wanted to be a cat forever and stuff but then changed her mind and she had to be "Saved" by the guy and another cat that turned into a human) IF I GOT SOMETHING WRONG PLS CORRECT ME ITS MIDNIGHT MY GRAMMAR IS NOT GRAMMARING AND I HAVE CRiED SeVERAL TIMES I CANT WITh THIS I APOLOGIZ

[dollyyun]

Hi Ruby, how r you doing cutie? i hope everything is going well for you🧡🧡

I was actually gonna wait until i catch up into your DKP series before sending you a full long ass text thanking your genius brain and kissing your pretty fingers that wrote this masterpiece, but i got spoiled 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭, i technically had a feeling Beomgyu is sus but i didn't reach that part where things started getting serious when i got spoiled and now i just wanna kms (j) 🫠🫠🫠

But that aside, thank you so much for giving us the opportunity to read something as good as this for free (ngl i'd pay for that), from your writing style to the complexity of characters like every single thing is a masterpiece (also the 2nd part with Jake got me tweaking and rolling on the floor and i keep thinking about it to this date like hellooooooooo??????? 😵‍💫🥴 it was so hot and the chasing and everything made it sooo exciting like i was on edge with the mc as well) fr ghost face Jake is my weakness and guilty pleasure 🧎‍♀️🧎‍♀️🧎‍♀️🧎‍♀️🧎‍♀️ tysm for writing it that good ) i really love how twisted his character is, like one time he is so soft with us and another time he is chasing for me with while being full of blood asking me to hide and run and shit (love me twisted man MY MAN) also Sunghoon????? (omg he had me on my knees (literally) i love his character so much in here it is exactly how i imagine him to be i lost my shit real good when he asked the mc to crawl over likeee i'd do that without asking me sirrrrr but the way u described the mc's feeling at that time had me😩), he is so manipulative but 😩😩😩😩 can't word how i feel about him better than this emoji (😩)

Jayyyyyyyyyyyy omg jayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy fucking Park Jongseong i also love his character even when it's a bit (lot) mean and harsh but that just makes everything more yummy, his jealousy and possessiveness is everything, i'll go and cry in a corner cause no one would that for me real quickly but i love how the mc didn't give him what he wants that easyyy love seeing a man gets frustrated cause m not giving him attention like yes roll on the floor and be desperate plz (fr i love how made his character in here the total opposite of how he is irl, wanna kiss you real bad fr)

Heeseung 😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫 kept dreaming of him calling me sweetheart everyday likeeeee plzzzzzz call me that uwu 🥺🥺🥺, his character even when it's the calmest it is actually the scariest (i still didn't reach a part on the story where he lashes out completely but i just know it'd be too muchhhh), idk why but whenever he comes out in a scene my heart flutter (jake baby you r hallucinating i didn't say that) also m sure he'd be the most possessive out of all of them (and i live 🧎‍♀️🧎‍♀️)

I wanted so say so much more but m not good with words 😭😭 i wish it was possible to get you in my brain to know how much m loving thissssss (even tho my reading pace is that of a turtle (blame my work)), love the concept and darkness of it, love your writing style, love how u write the smut in here, i just love youuuu give me a chance plz 🥺👉👈🧡

HAYDI!!! plsss the hottie herself calling me cutie? i’m running laps rn🏃🏻‍♀️💨

i’m still feeling lethargic but overall i’m fine! i hope you’re doing fine too! we should defo interact more <3

aahhh i’m so sorry that you got spoiled😭🙏🏻but omg thank you so so much for sending me your thoughts and sweet messages :( i genuinely enjoy and love reading them! especially your inputs in brackets because same😭i can’t thank you enough for taking your precious time to send me this🥹

plsss bae you’ve already said so much and for that i’m thankful to you🩷i’m really glad that you love the series and my writing despite the flaws🫡

i wanna say more and to give you my gratitude but i lack of braincells to find the right words😭💀but just know that i’m forever thankful and my dms are always open for you <3

i love you more fr🩷giving you a smooch 💋

[1864reruns]

OHHHHH ur never going to get rid of me fr 🤣🤣🤣 no but am not even joking like wave to earth is my fav band ever and litt tmw they are selling tickets for a concert in france just before my bday and my bsf and roommate is gonna help me try and get 2 vip tickets since i don't wanna go alone and forced my brother to go w me :D vip is like early entry front row + a group photo like ???? do they want me to kms ????

anyways. clears throat. onto the recs hihi (gonna be a lot so be aware)

light (!) wave, bonfire (!!!), surf, nouvelle vague (LOVE THE GUITAR??? IN IT OMG), daisy, dried flower (!!!!!!!!!!), so real (LOVE THE GUITAR??? IN IT X2 + DRUMS), nouvelle vague (hihi french hihi), homesick (I'll kms), love (crying noises + ill kms x2), peach eyes, sunny days, bad (cutie pookiewoo sugarplum bonita)

"I will forever associate you with wave to earth btw" ill literally hang myself w my own hair don't do this to me im gonna cry

ouuuuuuuu good luck on those vip tickets baby (but like platonically, will stop if it makes you uncomfortable!) praying for you! listening to all of this was such an experience, it was like omg that part was so cool, little beeping in the bg is so cute wtaf, I KNOW THIS PART FROM TIKTOK, some random lyric that made me !!!! anyways :3 prepare

there's this little beeping(?) in the background of light that made my eye twitch like i was seeing something, it soothed the knots of my soul, i'm in loveeee; there's a pause in the guitar in wave when the singing gets a little softer that made my heart stutter omg; bonfire was so cute, literally 8/10, the vocals are going to kill me dead; i have an odd love for aquatic animals, surf. fed my love, love the pace & upbeatness of it all, the drum is soo insane, i'm utterly in love with this song; YOU WERE RIGHTTT THE GUITARRR, gnawing on nouvelle vague.....; icl some of the words sang in daisy,,, was pronounced in a british accent 😭 had to relisten to check that but... that is a british man in disguise, I LOVED IT THOUGHHH like yeah, i will dye you enough dw!

[sebastiansluts]

Sad thot pls forgive me

Ignore if u don’t like angst

Imagine reader having a traumatic mission maybe one of her close one dies on that mission and she’s still covered in blood holding them when the help arrived but it was all too late. Bucky was already rushing through the ER but imagine his surprised when he find out reader was looking okay. When he asked reader was all like “it’s fine I don’t wanna talk about it” and he ofc understands. Bucky was worried but he didn’t wanna push so he just let her be. He noticed reader hasn’t shower and hasn’t change clothes since after she gets patched. When the reader tries to go shower she starts to panic bcs there’s still blood in her body. She’s wiping the blood and in her pov it just won’t come off and Bucky being Bucky starts to get worry and knocks on her door but all she said was “a min” and he tries again “hey do you want help?” But she’s just starts hyperventilating and be like “I’m fine go away” however Bucky was like fuck it imma break this door. When he opens the door the reader just snaps like “I said I’m fine” and stands there without her clothes and starts crying. Then she meltdown and said “the blood won’t come off” eventho there is no blood and Bucky just shushes her and be like “let me help you” and reader is just okay. And Bucky starts to autopilot and wash her body gently while she cries. Bucky helps her with everything even the basic stuffs like putting on clothes, do her skincare, feeding her, etc cause he knows what it feels like to lose someone so he basically nurse her till she’s fine

AHAHHHAHAHA IM SAD LEMME KMS BRB

Ps. If it doesn’t make sense it’s cause I’m literally on my last braincell and autopiloting everything coz im sad ☺️🥹

~beluga🐳

Awwww babe, this is intense!!!! i love it though it's so good like i could see it happening!! he'd be so sweet be so gentle and kind and not judging at all. he'd never let you feel embarrassed about it either, and he'd take care of you forever

you okay love? i'm sorry you're sad :( i'm sending you a biggggg hug!!!! i love you!!!

[stoned-r0mantic]

Istg shes gonna leave me. Im too much. Im not enough. Im too insecure. Im the worst bf. I get angry bc she'll never do things for me like i do for her. I'd do anything just to hang out with her. But she won't do that. But it's fine! I'll just sit in bed and cry while i wait for her to respond to my texts and want to call! Like always! I'll wait like a dog even though it feels like you dont even want me anymore! Doesn't matter how much i need to call bc ur not feeling it! /gen! but it's fine. No one will ever love me the way i love them. i don't want to live anymore. I just want to fucking kms so i dont have to live in this miserable world. I cant leave them but i physically cant stand being alive anymore i just cant. Its become too goddamn much. I cant wait two more years anymore i just cant i want to die i hate codependency. I hate my fake fucking friends. Whsts the point of living? Theres no fucking point to life. Why should i stay alive for others when they dont even seem to care enough to hang out with me once in a while. Im so pissed off at everyone. Im so close to just ghosting everyone and killing myself. I cant stand this constant heartsche anymore. I can't stand not calling every single day. Or not calling at all basically. Its selfish. But i can help it. If you cant handle how needy i am then dont fucking be with me. I want to leave her before she has the chance to leave me. Im splitting and i dont want to be mad at her. I dont want to hurt her. I dont want to leave her. But this relationship makes me so much worse and i hate this version of myself. I hate being vunerable. Boys dont fucking cry. I shouldnt be fucking crying.

Just leave me already so i can kms and not have anyone upset about it. I can't stay clean. Hell, i can't even NOT lash out. You say i'm "a good person".. but *I* know I'm the worst fucking person. If only you knew what went on in my head. If only you knew how i feel 24 fucking 7. Pictures of brutally murdering people just because they pissed me off. Sadness turning into outright hatred for someone. Paranoia. All the fucking tme. Just needing destruction and chaos in my life. Not csring abiut anyone but myself. Thoughts of manipulating people js bc i can and its so easy to do. constant numbness. I dont wanna be toxic. I dont want to be. But these thoughts get so hard to ignore. I dont wsnt to hate her but if she doesnt change some things soon im gonna stsrt splitting. Devaluing. If you cant call me at least once or twice a week then we shouldn't even be tg. Ive told you. Time and fucking time again. I need calling. Yet you still STILL fucking dont call. I love you so much it hurts me. Ill wait for you forever. Just step all over me and tear my heart out, we both know I dont have the strength to leave you. I'll just self sabotage until you decide im too unstable to be with. Leave me. Abandon me.

[cremekcal]

09/07/2023

12:27pm

///Vent///

bpd thoughts got a bit out of hand and I b/p-ed and I can tell I didn’t get everything up and I don’t have a scale so I just started screaming and crying and ripped out some of my hair in front of my sister 😭 I’m really losing it but anyways an ambulance is coming but they never do anything so I don’t know what the point of trying is anymore I just want to end it all I can’t get my fp back I’ve cut off all my friends I don’t have the strength to work or go to school I still haven’t reached my gw and I can’t even do bulimia right anymore I just wanna be free I wanna be in a park at 3am while someone smokes a cigarette and we both stare at the sky and live only in that moment but I’m just destined to be alone forever until I get the courage to kms

[muttsona]

another personal post from tumblr user aroveins !

i feel i am going a bit insane and nothing is helping.! i thought after i got over my ex i would be fine. i got over my ex. i still dont feel fine. i knew realistically it wouldnt work like that. i was struggling before my ex, i was always gonna struggle after. and like, its better but only to an extent. need to kms actually but i have The Friends so i cant, no matter how much it pisses me off. i wanna be in the limbo between dead and alive, i dont wanna think about it anymore. meds domt even help whatever the fuck is wrong with me anymore, im considering stopping them all togethet because it doesnt seem worth it. like sure i felt bad before medication. but i actually think things might be worse now. i hate tjat stupid blue pill so much and i hate the things that come with it. hate that i was supposed to die 8 years ago. then 7. then 6. then 5. then 4. then 3. then 2. then 1. hate that im stuck here, stuck like this, because i couldnt just follow through one of those 8 times. i know one day theyre gonna catch on, and i know ome day ill have to confess everything, i also know i can easily stop that day from happening. theres yhis stupid notion in my head that im faking it because i dont want to die 100% of the time, and when i do theres always tjis waning feeling, like i only half wanna die. i want it all to stop but i dont want my mom crying during my funeral. i want quiet but i dont want my room to stay as it is forecer, always unmoving as i am. i feel like im stuck like this forever, i think im tired of trying to get better. does it ever.

[peachinspiration]

This is my first day officially moved out and with a rented room in a friend’s house with my brother and I am so so terrified and paranoid, I don’t wanna fuck things up cuz I CANNOT go back with my parents, I’d rather kms. Like I have never felt this much real anxiety in a long time and I almost wanna cry but I’m not. I’m just so terrified. My tarot cards said the job I applied to will accept my brother and I, so I’m not so worried about that, but fuck man having to Uber to and back until we afford a car (after finally being able to complete drivers ed) is fucking terrifying to me idk.

I’m upset that I feel so paranoid and anxious, cuz I really thought when I moved out I’d feel freedom for the first time in forever, but no I’m fucking terrified help. But at least it shows me how much actual pain I need to overcome, cuz all of this feels like uhh ok so yk how it’s like when you get attacked and run you’re completely numbed out but when you finally find a resting spot all of it catches up at full force?? That’s how it feels rn. Except it’s like leaving a lifelong toxic home situation, I’m not used to it and I’m insanely antsy. I’m just really scared of fucking up.

I plan to apply for EBT and to check on the waitlist for me to get on adhd meds, and once hired I plan to hire a driver instructor since I still have nobody who can help otherwise. I sorta feel alone in this idk why, but I’m sure I’ll be ok. My cards told me to hear from others’ experiences of going through the same thing to help myself here and it’s right as usual.

Ok whew yea this feels good to write about cuz I finally feel myself calming down. I haven’t been able to actually journal write or anything in a long time and it’s just been choppy twt priv vents but yea again this is really therapeutic.

But ya idk I’m scared, but at the same time I know I’ll be okay deep down. Another thing I’m excited about is that with money saved up, I’ll be able to finally travel to see my bf without anyone stopping me :•) I’ll go to Chile without having to be interrogated about it or prevented from traveling there!! My brother said he may even wanna come with me. So I’m very excited about that. I’ll have to hurry up on my Spanish studies tho and begin to speedrun learning the Chilean dialect and accent haha thankfully I have my bf for that.

I think when I’m more settled in I’ll finally write that paragraph of educating to that one person I called out for being racist recently then block them after since I don’t wanna deal with anymore mess. It’s just too uncomfortable to deal with.

At the same time tho, life does feel super different. My past life feels very far away now, but now I’m stuck with all sorts of emotional baggage from it. It’s kinda making me realize how hurt and vulnerable I truly am from it. My older sister probably felt the same way when she was kicked out at 18. God I really don’t know what to expect. Maybe I’ll consult my cards about it since I have most of them with me now. I still have some things leftover back at the house but it’s ok. Maybe I’ll make myself a blessing jar.

I already miss my dog though. That’s a part that REALLY sucks cuz of how close we are to her. I miss her really badly and feel kinda sick over it :^( her mental health gets affected whenever my brother and/or I are separated from her and she’s also old and gonna be 14 sometime this year. I’m not worried about her passing on cuz she’s still very active and runs fast and has energy and still acts like a baby though. But man I want her so badly.

I’m terrified of appearing like a burden around here and I’m terrified of my friend or her parents hating me cuz I’m so used to people I live with hating on me in some way and treating me degradingly. I kinda wish I could just shut everything off for a moment and be somewhere timeless for as long as I want to let everything out then come back lolol like yk time stopping. I hope I make more friends. I’ve kinda gone through a huge irl friend purge in the recent years especially as I came to further terms about being trans. Also a lot of people turned out to be completely nuts now. Like how my childhood “best” friend slowly showed more and more abusive tendencies. First toward me and then toward everyone else, to the point of actually threatening lives all cuz this guy wouldn’t love her back.

Oh also wow crazy the moon is full in two days. Fun stuff I’d better prepare for it since I finally have the freedom to. I hope I have my lighter packed with me, I think I have my matches.