radiantghost

[radiantghost]

Screaming into the void here because I think I might just go crazy otherwise.

Sometimes it scares me so bad, living in my head.

[radiantghost]

I don't know if I've ever felt this alone.

[radiantghost]

I don't know how I've lasted so long in this fucking house. I'm going fucking insane. The only reason I'm still here is for my pets. My cat truly saves my life every single day. I don't know what I'd do without her.

[radiantghost]

Someone once told me that nobody would ever love me. That I would rot in my room and die alone. That I would never know true happiness or love. Etc etc.

That came from one of the worst people I've ever known. They were toxic and abusive and knew exactly what to say to hurt me as deeply as they could. I hate how often their words pop into my head. It's so fucked up. We were best friends once upon a time. I thought we'd be close forever. They used my insecurities and biggest fears against me when they were hurting and wanted to lash out at me. To drag me down and make me hurt.

Lately I can't help but think about their words and feel like maybe they were fucking right. They couldn't have been right though.. could they? These things can't be true. But I've been trying so fucking hard. I know I'm not the person they painted me as... but I can't help but wonder why things are the way they are. Things can't be this bad forever. I can't hurt this much forever. That can't be true, it just can't be.

[radiantghost]

The absolute soul crushing realization that nobody truly knows me.

I think about what people would say if someone asked them about me. My hobbies, interests, favorite things, my hopes and dreams, how I feel about the world and people around me.. I don't think anybody in my life knows the answes to these questions. Sometimes I wonder if I even know the answers to these questions.

I have one friend that I feel actually gives a shit about me and means the things she says. I feel like other people just ask out of idk, social obligation? To be nice? Nobody asks how I'm doing or what I've been up.. let alone do they seem actually interested.

But idk if I'm getting to know others or trying to be involved in their lives either.. at least lately. I feel like I'm fucking drowning. I've just been slowly isolating myself more and more. And nobody seems to really give a shit. It's heartbreaking, actually. To feel like I don't actually matter to those around me.

[radiantghost]

Tired of very clearly stating my needs and boundaries and having them glossed over. Over and over again. Just to be met with "well I'm trying, I can't be expected to get it right every time" or "I can't change over night!" Or "I'll just keep trying." But to consistently see them not trying. For them to get upset with me when I call attention to something they did like "hey, it's happening again, can we talk about it? Can I explain what just happened that hurt my feelings?" For them to get upset when I voice the fact that something upset me.

The other day she told me she can't relax because she has to always be aware of how to speak to me or interact with me?? Like.. what??? Sorry you have to try so hard to not hurt someone's feelings? That doesn't seem like a me problem.. the things I'm asking for are not ridiculous or outlandish. I'm asking you to meet me halfway.

I don't think she even sees or understands the ways in which I've changed how I interact with her because I know certain things trigger her and upset her. She needs extra space or clarification on something or whatever. And that's great! I'm happy to reassure her and be more clear about what's going on so there's no misunderstanding. But she can't seem to do the same for me. Really, it feels like I can't relax lmao. I don't think she sees any of this.

[radiantghost]

It blows my mind that you can have a close family member that literally killed themselves and still nobody will fucking listen to you when you say you're not okay. You think at least my mom would give a shit. She lost her fucking son. Her head is buried so far in the sand, I don't think she sees any of this. Even though I'm standing in front of her saying I'm not okay and I need help, please help me.

[radiantghost]

I don't think I've ever been this unwell mentally and felt this alone in it. I've always had more support. And these people, my cousin, my mom, they know.

Sometimes I wonder what it would take for them to be like "... oh wait! She was really struggling! This was so serious." Like my brother fucking killed himself. There is history of severe depression in the family. Suicide. I dealt with self harm for years. And here I am straight up saying I'm not okay, I need help, I need support. But also saying, if that's too much for you to handle, you need to let me know! But they say it's fine, they're here for me. Then my cousin texts twice in 6 months.. just to say "hey I miss y'all! Hope you're doing well!!" When the last time we talked I called her crying, begging her to call me when she had a few minutes... not even a text in all that time saying she's been super busy, sorry I haven't had time, etc. Just nothing. And seemingly going back to everything's fine when she does text.

I don't get it. I truly don't. I'm hurting so fucking bad.

[radiantghost]

I reach out for help over and over and people say they're there and that I can talk to them or that yeah they'll definitely call me back, we'll get in touch.

It fucking sucks. With my cousin, she's one of like 2 or 3 people who knows how much I'm struggling. Last time we really talked I was literally crying and begging her to call me back when she could talk. I'm crying and begging for help. From one of the few people who knows how much I'm struggling and that I literally have nobody else. I've reached out to others just to get brushed off. She also has mentioned so many times that she wants to be there for people when they're hurting. And that she helps however she can bc she knows some people don't have anyone and she wants to be that person for them bc she doesn't want to see anyone hurting..... hahahaha girl. I'm so heartbroken over this.

[radiantghost]

My cousin has the week off from work so she had some free time and she said she "most definitely will call!" So I'm hoping... but also.. I really doubt she will :( and I hate that I don't believe her.

Idk if I should message her like hey.. don't forget about me please? Or just trust that maybe she'll actually call this time..

I'm still fucking waiting for Thursday May 9, "I'll call after work." 😭

[radiantghost]

If things were a little different, I probably wouldn't even talk to my family. I wouldn't even live nearby. This is so toxic and damaging. I worry that I'll never be able to heal and grow and be able to do things differently if I can't get away from this. I feel stuck and trapped and I hate this so much.

I think I'm just now (in the past 6 months or so) starting to realize how deep this shit goes and how traumatic everything was and still is. The extent of everything. How things have effected me my whole life. I don't even know how to go about processing it. Sometimes I think I am processing, but maybe I'm only scratching the surface. There's so much more and it's so much bigger and it's fucking terrifying.

[radiantghost]

I'm tired of being the only person fucking trying to work on their shit. Even when I'm fucking hurting and upset, I have to be the one to be super mindful of both of us. I don't feel like I can just be upset. Because you don't know how to manage your emotions, so I have to walk on eggshells all the time. I can't have a bad day or be in pain without all these disclaimers and apologizing for my feelings. And none of this is fucking okay??? And this isn't seen as a problem? I feel like I'm talking to a brick wall. The same conversations come up over and over. And the same shit is argued about. And the same miscommunication. It's a cycle. And I'm the only one seeing this as not okay?? Or something that needs to be talked about and worked on??? I'm so beyond frustrated.

[radiantghost]

I feel so fucking out of touch, isolated, overwhelmed. I feel like I don't know how to interact with people anymore, if I ever did in the first place. I know that's something I've always struggled with. But when I look back, I know it felt easier than it does now. It used to be different.

Now I'm like, how do people just fucking talk to each other? How do I make friends? Or at the very least, not make a complete fool of myself? I'd like to have people I feel more comfortable talking to. I'm always afraid of revealing too much. What's too weird to say? What would be considered oversharing? Should I say this or just fucking keep it to myself? How do I respond when people ask xyz. What the fuck is even going on?? If I do reach out or start a conversation will I regret the whole thing tomorrow and wish I never said anything and delete it all and just disappear and continue my life under this fucking rock?? Can I keep going on like this? Is it sustainable? I know it's not.. I'd like to make changes. But it's fucking scary and I don't know how to do it. This feels so different than the extreme social anxiety I've been used to my whole life. This is just so overwhelming and I don't even know how to explain it.

[radiantghost]

Pmdd is kicking my ass this month. Physical pms wasn't so bad, but now I kinda feel like kms and I KNOW it's just the pmdd and I'll feel better once I start my period.. but damn. I truly feel like I'll never be okay again. Let alone feel happiness! Everything hurts and I wanna cry forever.

[radiantghost]

I fear I'm on the brink of complete mental collapse

[radiantghost]

I felt like I needed a place to vent, so here I am. Unsure what this blog will be, but I think maybe I need to let some things out. Maybe using this space to do that would be helpful for me.