#I wanna hurt myself emotionally
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I'm gonna play chapter 25 again
#a friend drew Himeko for me and now I want to see her again#my wife#I miss her#I wanna hurt myself emotionally#himeko murata#murata himeko#honkai impact 3rd#everlasting flame
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‧₊˚ ☽ ⋅
#also i wanna learn how to just like...#not unload on someone when i'm triggered and emotionally volatile and upset#and im stuck in like this little 12yr old kid's intense and overwhelming and confusing feelings#thats also mostly are rooted in self hatred and low self worth and an inferiority complex and just like yeah so insecure#bc when i say those things it's just a pained agonized scream and all of those things#are just what me skewed with emotional pain is thinking#not what the actual me feels#bc yeah that isnt what i actually mean or want to say#and most of it is also missunderstood bc im not able of delivering it how i mean it#so yeah i just so badly wanna learn how to just wait and hold my tongue#take a step back and take a breath and just think ruminate reflect etc etc and then calm down and feel less crazy#and get out n the other side of that pain induced little space in my head :////#bc i end up saying things that just are not what i mean and are riddled with insecurity and just like not a good or rational place#bc u cant take it back#bc u have already vomited all of these skewed things u've said out of pain and low self worth#i just dont know how to regulate my emotions#and idk what the line between venting and unloading is#but yeah omfg when i do calm down i feel so ashamed of everything i've said and i've also hurt someone and im just like#fuck why did i say that???? what??? and like just bc i feel smth in a moment bc of pain doesnt mean that is the conclusion i'll come to lat#after i've thought abt it and thought abt reality and what is important etc etc#just life FUCKKKK!!!!! i wanna scream im so frustrated w myself but idk how to learn this??? idk how!!! :(((
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Fucked up how happy I get whenever I make content of Shinjiro Aragaki being actually loved and getting to heal and learning to love the little things in life and getting to express himself. What’s up with that
#persona#shinjiro aragaki#hes the only one i really respect here#its like so annoying though that i even care like whats wrong with me why does this bother me so much#just cuz i see myself in this character and also feel like shit and idk when he doesnt even get to live doesnt get to recover#and this is treated as a good game with a profound theme and this is treated as good writing#its hard not to be hurt when its like. im barely hanging on man#and youre telling me he can be saved by someone noticing him and caring about him and he can get through it and be loved and try to heal#but this is treated as some sorta disservice to the narrative and that you cant have the theme work this way#its like. but this is the only way i can even feel anything about this theme this actually makes me wanna try#seeing the character going through mental issues like mine die just like. it makes things suck idk#and its like why do i even care like this shouldnt matter but idk its like#if he can make it then why cant i#and im just really attached to this and i really really want to make my fic of him exist cuz. nothing is going good for me rn#but if i can make this one thing thats important to me where someone gets to recover then maybe ill feel less helpless#its what im trying to tell myself so i can stop feeling like im. idk cringe or something cuz im emotionally attached to a fictional#character and the wellbeing of this character feels like motivation for me#i just wish i wasnt so damn desperate about it 😩#anyway can someone please slap me with a fish so i can stop being insecure about my writing and just fucking do it
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Mfw I realize that, in the past two weeks, I've done almost nothing other than go to work and move furniture
#i need to get out of the house and actually do something fun#i need to write. to draw. read. i do need to unpack but emotionally i feel like I'm gonna drop dead. emotionally i am floating face down#in a swimming pool. i don't wanna feel like I'm dragging myself through the days but i am so tired#my arms and back hurt from moving everything and i haven't slept enough in over a week#i need. to go home and have a lot of food and then just. sit for a while. just sit down. light a candle i can find or smthn#i mean yeah I've made some art and talked to people but i feel so thrown off by the lack of actually personally enjoyable things lately#shai speaks
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watching ror and i just have some thoughts
#ROUND TWO WAS UNACCEPTABLE PLS I WAS CRYING#adam’s line was so iconic it literally brought me to tears#“does any man alive need a good reason to want to protect his children?” and i was sobbing#full on sobbing i wasn’t even hiding it anymore it was so emotional and truly a good fight#ADAM ON TOP!! just thinking about that ep has me emotional again like i love adam fr#and i have just been so desperate for the humans to win so when i spoiled myself that humans were gonna win in the 3rd round i was so happy#BUT AT WHAT COST#i ended up becoming attached to poseidon out of all the characters lmfaoo 😭😭😭 i was cheering mr sushi on he is so cool and ugh i just#i could talk about this man for hours like he is the epitome of beauty and he’s so elegant HE DIDN’T DESERVE TO DIE 😭#but also i love sasaki and he’s so respectable n admirable that i really don’t know who i’m cheering for atp 😭 this animanga has me in#SHAMBLES! left me emotionally wrecked and so hyped at the same time#but so far my favorite fight would still be jack the ripper vs hercules like wait okay i could go on n on about how much#i love the detail that goes on in jack’s character n how genius it was that hilde chose him for that round ugh it was so good#i would say deep down adam vs zeus is my most fav fight or poseidon vs kojiro but the outcomes of those HURT i can’t not cry#I LOVE SHIVA TOO#can’t wait for qin shi huang vs hades roundd hnggrrr#bro i wanna write a poseidon fic so bad but for some reason i have been itching to write for jack like !! feef#nami [ rambles ]
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god i don’t wanna be here i don’t wanna exist
#i hate myself so much#I’m sick of myself and sick of this world#i got upset at Lexi bc they said they didn’t wanna hang lol like i just shutdown n went quiet even tho they drove to take me to the shops#bc I’m ill#like I’m tired of always getting hurt I’m so damn sensitive all the time#like idk i guess i just thought they were gonna stay at mine for a while like we usually do#n instead they just wanted to go home#which is obv fine like they can do whatever they want but im sick of getting upset over this stuff#n i always feel horrible and guilty when i get triggered whether it’s shutting down or passive aggressiveness#or having a meltdown over stuff idk i just feel so emotionally childish n even when i know it’s wrong to feel tht way it still happens#i just wish i knew how to be better and stop being like this#n my therapists just keep telling me well it’s okay and normal to feel this way because I’ve been thru bad experiences before n thts why#i feel abandoned and unloved#but it’s like I’m 24 i shouldn’t be so emotionally all over the place and get triggered all the time like i can’t function bc of this#n i end up just acting in ways i don’t like like if someone was acting this way w me id be exhausted I’m not surprised I’ve been called#exhausting and too sensitive and negative and immature bc i am n hell if u don’t like me dw i hate myself more ive literally been trying#to get better and it’s going nowhere i think i just gotta end myself fr#journal
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Vent
#the most annoying part is that I can’t even admit myself even tho I’m SO close to ending it all#i know it’ll make everyone around me even madder#i would love to go away for a month and then come back to a family who was emotionally sensitive to me#but the world would fucking end if I did ONE thing for mysekf without notifying my family so they can talk me out of it#I’m tired and I want someone to hold me and sing to me#…..it’s almost Mother’s Day and I miss the way she would hug and sing to me#she’s probably having a great time with her her church and life and friends#while I’m suffering with the same wounds she gave me years ago#i need to babied again I cannot actually deal with adulthood I can’t do it#i don’t wanna think about death and hell anymore#I’m just so scared and alone and I never get hugged and my body really hurts#my body hurts not just from chronic pain but from how badly I need to be hugged I feel sick#i wanna go home….#but I dunno where that is:(#I’m so sad and so tired and so scared :((((((#i do nt wanna be alive any myree I cagbt do it
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So uhm….. my brother made me play the walking dead..
I just finished episode four and lets just say this is the most traumatic game i have played, the first minutest after finishing it i was completely silent and was rethinking everything and then i started bawling my eyes out as i cried to my brother(who was sitting on my bed behind me to watch) about how stupid it was of me and how shitty of a person i am and that now I’ve probably ruined clementines life
Plus i cant even play the fifth episode because its so late at night and i have school tomorrow😔💔
The most emotional damage i have had, like i beraly even cry at movies, but i cried for an half hour straight and now do possibly have the thousand yard stare
!! Definitely recommend The Walking Dead though !!
#the walking dead#the walking dead game#twd walkers#i wanna throw myself out the nearest window and take the game developors with me#emotionally unavailable#this is only the first game AND my brothers gf said the second game was the saddest#im not okay#i dont fucking know#i dont know whats real any more#what do i do with my life?#how am i meant to live laugh love in these conditions#i can’t breathe it’s all i think about#send help#if someone hurts clementine i will throw myself out the window and take them with me#how can i live without her?#shes the reason i do what i do?
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#sing it w/ me folks#✨ITS MY MENTAL BREAKDOWN✨#except make it emotionless anger and numb sadness#i wanna go to bed and never ever wake up#fuck this shit#fuck my parents you idiots don't see why i am so lonely#all you do is hurt me emotionally#and then wonder why i'm so secretive#fuck you fuck you fuck you#gah i wish i wasn't this resentful#i'm sorry i'm not your perfect daughter#and i'm sorry my brain makes it hard to do anything right.#please...stop comparing me to the people i hate#i try and try and you never ever see that#it's another saturday to you#but this shit? makes it so much harder to be nice to myself.#your words are important to me and you don't see how much you break me down#please. please.#sighs#goodnight y'all see you in the morning#and yes i'll be fine#it's just 11:30 at night and i'm exhausted
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Mom said the group therapist wants to see me and my sister soon and uhhhh currently having a slight breakdown about it :)
#I'm pissed at her (and I know it doesn't make sense but) bc i have never in my life been made to feel like i can sincerely talk about#my emotions at home w everyone#Idc that i KNOW my mom always wanted me to. I know!!! But that doesn't take away the fact that I still didn't feel like i could#And now she is trying to fix it and I'm honestly angry that she wants me to go to group therapy w her#Bc I'm like BITCH ITS YOUR JOB TO BE MY MOM WHY COULDN'T YOU JUST DO THE JOB OF EMOTIONALLY RAISING ME#And now i have to fucking show up and probably once fucking more be the bigger person???? Be the emotionally mature one#Pick and choose my words so I don't hurt her feelings#I don't fucking want that!!!!!#Also i think i could handle group therapy w one family member at a time#But EVERYONE AT THE SAME TIME??? The thought alone sends me into a bone deep panic#Like kicking screaming crying hyperventiling type of panic I really don't fucking want to it frightens me to my core#Like it makes me uhhhhh get urges to hurt myself. The 13 year old in me pops back up like I really don't fucking want that#Hhhhhhhhhhhhhhh#I am for sure gonna go for a one on one w the therapist and for sure w my sister#Bc honestly I wanna do this for her#But (and I love mom so dearly but) mom can kinda choke on it I can't lie.#This last year I was fucking raising mom's inner child until I realised what the fuck was happening and I set boundaries#But like I don't wanna tread that line again#I can't be the grown up for her I can't but I also can't hurt her#Therapy
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⛈️ ❌ ❌ ❌ // 2:09 am, tbd ;
#this is a fucking vent so just gnore the venty ass tags but i have nowhere else to place this that feels safe other than just.#shouting into a void where no one hears. aka here ig.#bc its better i shout into a void alone than drag others down with me somehow—i dont. know#regardless… i’m just… i dont know what to think.#things are really bad lately & i’m struggling again to stop myself from sh utting down every time i try being vulnerable & opening up.#i keep clamming up & letting my mind take the reins when it tells me to just erase anything i say. to not open up.#to swallow every single emotion & experience that’s hurting me & let that poison kill me slowly instead. deal with it alone#because it feels like its wrong to open up. like its wrong to say anything. like me being open is just.#me being a fucking burden or something. i don’t know. i shouldn’t be like this. i’m supposed to be fucking better than t his.#what the fuck happened to the version of myself that could just keep suppressing & suppressing & not being a goddamn thorn in ppl’s sides.#esp bc all the things i’m having a difficult / painful time with is all fucking trigger heavy shit or things that i just don’t.#fucking know what to do with anymore because its not shit within my control.#a lot of it’s shit im still just processing that has hurt a lot & havingg to cope w that grief alone.#but then there’s also other circumtances too that are hard to navigate & my BPD having a field day w me in recent history too#i don’t know what the fuck is wrong w me at this point. & im scared & i can’t stand being fucking alone in this shit yet.#i feel like i have to. i have to. i have to. beccause this is my own issue & to dare express anything is me just. using ppl isn’t it.#that’s all it is right. & besides how many times has it been proven that ppl get sick of me for not being okay.#how many times have ppl walked away because they realize im just some fucking deadweight emotionally or something. id on’t fucking know.#am i spiraling? who fucking knows! maybe! because im fucking tired of what my life has been in general & im. overwhelmed.#overwhelmed by existence itself i fucking guess & what its meant for me overwhelmed by expectations overwhelmed by vulnerability thats just.#bleeding out through the fucking cracks of this fucking mess of a person i am.#& constantly fucking afraid that im just. too much. too much. too much for anyone.#too emotional in fucking general too intense too overwhelming for others regardless if its overwhelming them via pos or neg emotions.#afraid im going to get discarded afraid of what’s to come afraid in fucking general. fear & grief & pain & rage & hatred &.#desperation to feel anything other than this & desperation to feel loved thats got me having rly foul compulsions too#all my emotions feel like some kind of fuckihng hairtrigger & its hard to stop it in fucking general. i dont fucking know. & like i said it.#feels like shit to deal with completely alone. not bc i wanna deal with alone but bc i /have/ to bc if i dont then im just. a problem. or.#i dont know. im tired of everything tired of my emotions tired of this life tired of all that ive had to face up til this point & tired of.#fear & idk how to handle things alone anymore. my friends deserve better than this emotional burden i am to be around ig.#it feels so much like i have to apologize to those i befriend for being. well. this. for all of me & for being ‘too much’ in general.
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just told my dad I'm going away voluntarily and he laughed in my face told me how stupid this will b bc I'll just get out and do the same shit I'm doing now but im not even doing anything wrong I smoke weed a few times a week I take my meds every day and I still wanna kill myself no matter how happy others make me I cannot make myself happy and I have to learn how to do that on my own and I tried to explain that to him but he kept laughing about how I'm gonna be locked up forever even tho it's voluntary and he's very mad and he said im not gonna send you anything call you or communicate in any way
#he makes me wanna slam my head into a brick wall#i just wanna cry like a baby#im such a daddys girl its embarrassing i miss him sm but ik i cant ever be physically close or even properly emotionally connected to him#i wanna make myself throw up til my hands and throat bleed#i starved myself all day and now i wanna throw up the dinner im boutta eat#i feel like theres a hole in my chest and rocks in my stomach my intestines are intertwined nd hurting#i just wanna smoke away my emotions or take a benzo#my dad makes me want to relapse when i open up to him abt my mental health#i genuinelly rly rly rly wanna hurt myself rn its sooo badddd so ima cry and color after im done crying like a bitch baby
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#yall I finally got some good fucking news#my grandma’s been in the hospital and was doing very bad and like#we thought the end was near#she improved and got discharged#things still aren’t great but it’s (hopefully) looking more like she has weeks or maybe even months rather than just a handful of days#she’s almost 92 and has late stage Alzheimer’s and the flu is what put her in the hospital but she beat it#yesterday was very stressful#my parents/uncles were all being incredibly vague and my cousins were reaching out for info from me since I’m the only local grandchild#trying to figure out if people several hours away need to drop everything and try to make it here to say goodbye while at work was uh#it was something#I had an emotional break down in the bathroom which was fun#my parents who normally use me as a punching bad were doing it to an even more extreme degree#they still are technically; I get it’s my dad’s mom and he’s hurting more but she’s my grandma and like#the whole way they’ve been treating is just… it broke something in me#relieved she’s okay for now but having to grapple with the fact that this is how they will treat me when it is her time is something#I am an frazzled emotional wreck from everything but she’s okay and that’s what matters in the end#I also had a video interview this afternoon which like#absolutely wild state of mind to be in to do an interview but it’s with a really good company so I didn’t want to cancel#guys#I got a second in person interview!#it pays good and it’s close by and the only thing I don’t like is that it’s second shift#but they said if I get the job I’ll eventually get the opportunity to switch to first shift so like#fingers crossed the next interview goes well#anyways all good news except for my parents being fucking assholes but#I am out of energy emotionally mentally and physically#was trying to keep myself together till the interview and now that it’s over I’m just very done#my anxiety is shot my brain’s checked out and all I wanna do is sleep#I was supposed to be off tomorrow but work called me in and I took the shift cause I need money#I think there is a very good chance that I crash very hard after work tomorrow#which fine
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I love valentines day theoretically like I love what it's abt + the aesthetic is gorg + the buildup where I get to make cards is so fun + yummy sweets + also valentine is a sick ass name it's all round a pretty awesome holiday even if the commercialisation is annoying..... but also the day itself is nailbitingly stressful for me bc im so wildly insecure and rejection sensitive I find it really really hard to accept cards or even nice sentiment from other ppl. sorry im such a broken ass person that being told im loved makes me want to bash my fucking head in with a steel beam 🙂
#i feel so fucking bad abt it bc I did get rly nice cards from a few of my friends and i love them so much its so sweet of them but hhhhhh#and also it makes me rly self conscious like the urge to compare myself to other ppl is overwhelming. the only way i get thru it-#is by telling myself other ppl are lying to be nice. and also even if they did mean it its irrelevant bc i dont deserve it + im inadequate#next to the other ppl in their lives who are far more capable of giving and recieving love and also just better ppl. problem solved#its just easier to think like that out of defence. if i completely shatter my own self esteem then no one else can hurt or reject me ever#birthdays are difficult for the same kinda reasons tbh#i would kill myself before telling them this tho i hope they know im grateful and leave it at that#anyway. sick of being at work its so hot in the lab today bc the incubators on im sweating so much my goggles keep fogging up#i just wanna be miserable at home in bed plsss. sighs#oh well. i should go do more training#.diaries#.vent#sorry to be a bummer on valentines day lol i do genuinely like so much of it but. i always have to take this hit. it balances out ig#ill be fine tonight or maybe tomorrow we'll see how bad it is#its like a physically illness or allergy. emotionally im sweating blood and throwing up battling this out
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this is the best thing ive drawn in weeks and the first time ive drawn chrysanthemum in even longer. why did it have to be Like This
#posts#chrysanthemum is just skinny i cant avoid it. i dont know why hes skinny he just keeps turning out that way#dinni's ocs#genuinely needed to censor that to feel okay posting lol his shit is torn tf up#also just trying 2 lessen the emotional part of this. i just wanna share this bc i like the art#< im doing good!!!!!! this vibe was like. weaponizing self harm to make ur parents upset lmfao. i had a bout of rage abt my dad#and he is reasonably frightened by the thought of 1. me getting hurt and 2. the very real danger i pose to myself#literally this is getting so weird lol sorry for being very casual about self harm and my fantasies abt emotionally abusing my dad lol
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#ive been feeling like crying this entire week and a lot of stuff is going on and its not much but in my head it is#i got covid after getting food poisoning so ive been at home a lot more and i was on twt exercising my evil side and of course it made me#feel funny in a bad way and then jin went to service and i havent and wont ever watch that bangtan bomb i cant even talk about it irl#without my eyes filling up and and#ive been thinking about how lonely i am on top of that literally no friend is talking to me and ive been trying to talk to people#but no one has the time and i say this in the most literal sense ever its just how it is but it doesnt matter why its happening#what matters the most is the Fact that im lonely and it made me think of my new (old) college and how i dont have anyone to be with like#ever#so its been just me me me me and idk if its my mom or if its me but everything she says kinda pisses me off but i try to say nothing#anyways the friend i wanted to re encounter after literally 3 years doesnt wanna see me or know about me at all and i realized i kinda Love#him but whatever im just thinking that im fucking lonely (a la namjoon) and im feeling very undesirable and i havent been eating much and i#think im finally losing weight but i cant be sure without a scale and let me tell you i can be very delusional about this so im just still#thinking that being skinny is the most important thing i should go after and i really wanna die#and my birthday is on sunday and i hate it im old and im still sick and people are gonna wanna talk to me and#i dont wanna talk to anyone despite feeling lonely and i wish i lived by myself so i could hurt myself in peace#ive been trying to daydream and it cointains like lots of affections that i wish i could feel irl but truly nothing is for me irl#so its just right how delusional i am cuz i kinda have to be bc i have nothing im so very emotionally unsheltered it blows my mind#im actually glad no one is interested in me#anyways i love hobi and i wish i could live inside my head forever#im crying
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