#I usually say I'm “mostly physically-abled” bc I am

[the-mountain-flower]

Had a VERY enlightening conversation with my sibling who has chronic pain, and just learned about a LOT of things that aren't normal

Anyway I've got some research ahead of me...

[dumb-duxky]

Anger

Here is raph, not really what I envisioned when I started drawing but I like how it came out anyways ^^

Haven't really been drawing him bc I didn't really know how without doing him dirty...I'm not a fan of what I did for raphs day during tmaynt 🪦

Tried a new way to color, or new brushes to use, and I kinda like how it turned out 😋

[rant about anger under the cut lmao] [beware its a whole lot of (personal) yapping 😖/let me know if i should delete the yapping here]

__

I really like the kind of red waterpaint on raph, I feel like it really kind of adds onto how I personally feel when I get angry. It's just a feeling that creeps up on you. Sometimes it's sudden, other times it kind of builds up. But the feeling of anger makes you feel dirty and guilty in the end anyways, so it always is the same, yet so easy to fall back to.

Anger is actually a huge problem for me, and I usually explode on my siblings. It's not fair for me or them, and it always makes me feel terrible and dirty after. It's most likely a passed down thing, since my mom was always like that, then me, and now it's appearing in my younger brother. The only difference is that mine is very common and even they seem weary to not trigger me at times, which is such a huge L for me honestly ☠️

What I'm trying to say is that I really do understand Raph when he just gets angry for everything, its very relatable. Mostly 2012 raph. I relate to that Mikey too, honestly just the both of them. The anger is just so simple and complex, yet very annoying 💀

I do want to say that it's not as bad as before, as I used to get a little violent, and say more hurtful things, but now while i still get anger, I'm very careful not to seriously hurt anyone, mentally. I would never forgive myself if I got physical again. Unlike before, I am now an older teen, and I refuse to have my anger control me and have more permanent consequences. Also it kills me with guilt.

But now I've learned how to be a silly lil fellow, and that helps a lot more than what you would think ☠️

I will say that these days i have a very righteous anger, where I want everything to be orderly and fair. I get angry when my siblings act irrationally or get hurt, I do get protective, and it makes me feel like a dog 💀 I have been able to sniff out bad people long before they are revealed to be bad, such is the case in some of my sister friends (I'm right 100% of the time ☠️)

OK I'm going to shut up now I'm actually making myself angry for yapping tf ⚰️

(Might delete this rant here later tbh)

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

WIBTA if I sent a complaint about my upstairs neighbors to our buildings management despite never having communicated with them directly? Okay so I live in an apartment building. My upstairs neighbors regularly have loud parties (?) It doesn't always sound like it, but at least loud music playing, and sometimes that includes stomping around (assumed dancing) and loud talking/laughing or rarely fighting. This usually occurs on weekend nights, from friday to saturday or from saturday to sunday (most common I'd say), and can last for hours. Sometimes it's just during the day/afternoon, which, annoying, but sure, it's day, can deal with it while just being annoyed.

At some point, this was mainly an issue when I had sleepover guests, since they would sleep in the living room, opposite side of the flat I sleep on, and usually where all that originates (assuming they are also doing this in their living room) But I feel like it has been getting progressively worse, both in volume and times this happens at. It's currently 3.45 am on a Saturday, and they've been going since at least 3, probably earlier, but that's when I woke up/became aware enough to actively notice it. (Proofreading and it's now 4.10am, still going strong up there-) Now, I'm not one to call the police, especially when there is no actual danger or physical harm that can't be dealt with otherwise effectively, bc ACAB, but I've taken several clips with audio tonight because I'm fucking tired and am heavily considering sending the management company for our building a complaint about them. The issue I'm not clear on is mostly...that I never really talked to them directly. I know they've gotten complaints and stopped before, and I've left a note together with a guest of mine in front of their door before. Yet it remains a recurring occurrence. I've never actually knocked or rang the doorbell to directly ask them to stop. I live alone and am afab in my 20s, all I know about my upstairs neighbors is that it's two men (though there's definitely sometimes people over, as I said sometimes these occurrences are definitely parties). At most I will have one friend over who's also afab on these occasions. (We are both trans/nb but p much present as our assigned gender in current circumstances) I also have social anxiety, though I don't think it's particularly unreasonable to be worried to confront unknown men, who will know where I live as well, about literally anything considering we live in a society TM. (Obviously I don't know that it wouldn't just go over very easily however, exactly the issue that you can never rly know that- like ik most people would probably react chill or at best annoyed I'm interrupting them or whatever but there's always a chance to run into the exceptions TM)

I don't need to work on the weekends (though other people in flats around us might, idk) but I still gotta like, maintain my sleeping rhythm ideally, and you know. Generally pleasant to be able to sleep at night if you would like to- I do not know what actions they would or could take if they do consider the complaint at all, but I'm not really assuming they'd like, cause them serious issues regarding their living situation, it's more likely at most they get a letter/some shitty little flyer to not loudly party in the middle of the night get put up in the hallway/at the building doors. But again that's my assumption and not a fact I know for sure, I could be completely wrong about that, and I don't know if there's potential other complaints.

So, WIBTA if I sent clips of the loud music in the middle of the night and a complaint to our building management without knowing potential consequences, even though I have not tried to communicate with my neighbors except a singular note one time?

What are these acronyms?

[doueverwonder]

a whole bunch of notes on Illithiya and her and Utah's kids under the cut;

Born in 1963

25 in 1988 

26 in 1989

29 in 1992

33 in 1996

43 in 2006 

55 in 2018 

61 in 2024

okay, this is actually where we're at with her age, and if you look below here's where I am with the kids.

Ogden UT. ‘Zach’ (he/him): Est. 1846, born 1988. Currently 19 physically. 

Salt Lake City UT. ‘Jaxson’ (he/him): Est. 1847, born 1989. Currently 18 physically. 

Provo UT. ‘Kayleigh’ (she/her): Est. 1849, born 1992. Currently 16 physically. [twin]

West Jordan UT. ‘Kinsley’ (she/her): Est. 1849, born 1992. Currently 16 physically. [twin]

Sandy UT. ‘Jayden’ (he/him): Est. 1871, born 1996. Currently 14 physically. 

Orem UT. ‘Kayden’ (he/him): Est. 1919, born 2006. Currently 8 physically. 

West Valley City UT. ‘Brayden’ (he/him): Est. 1980, born 2018. Currently 3 physically. 

Ahmed. (he/him): Born 2003, adopted in 2007 at age 4. Currently 21. 

General notes: yes she was 55 when she had Brayden deciding rn if I'm going to mess with the math more (mostly just make the age gaps with the last two smaller) or if I'll just leave it this way and use the miracle baby excuse.

personifications age 1 year for every 2 that pass until they're 'adults' (usually around 25 physically), this is why Ahmed is older despite being younger than the majority of his siblings. They could be angsty about it but instead he just uses it to tease his older siblings :p

I think they stopped trying for more after Jayden, and were in the process of adopting Ahmed when they found out Illithiya was pregnant with Kayden and after 'much prayer and meditation' (<- freaking the fuck out for 20 business days) decided to adopt Ahmed anyway bc to heck with it.

Nah but like Kayden was a 'oh weren't expecting that but we're always happy to make our family bigger :)'; Brayden caused the panicking and tears, and "we can't have another baby, I shouldn't be able to have another baby!" bc it had been 12 years since Kayden was born, and 11 since they adopted Ahmed and suddenly here's another kid??? they love him so much but holy fuck bud u came out of nowhere.

I do actually have an essay typed up on Illithiya, Ahmed and Zach specifically pertaining to how Illithiya and Ahmed will grow old and die and the rest of the family wont. It's bullet points is

Illithiya considers herself privileged and chosen in someway to be Utah's wife and the mother of cities. she thinks that God somehow hand picked her for the job, and she doesn't like that her husband and children aren't 'normal' all the time, but this is what gets her through it. Then God gave her Ahmed so she would be able to watch one of her children grow and have a normal life.

Ahmed always thinking he was just different because he was adopted, then in his mid-teens processing fully that that's not the entire reason. Dude randomly remembered that time he got it explained to him that his dad and siblings are semi-immortal beings the represent pieces of land, their governments, and their people 🤯

uhh angst about Zach leaving the church, there were a lot of reasons he left but the straw on the camels back was absolutely in relation to the fact that Illithiya and Ahmed would die long before he would and he'd have to live without them. The snapping point was an argument he got into with Illithiya where he asked her "if you're actually chosen, like you say you are, why is God letting you die?" and when Illithiya didn't have an answer (and even if she had he had already made up his mind on the matter) he decided he was done.

but i'm not posting the essay unless someone wants it bc it is LONG and pretty angsty lmao

[satoruxx]

RHEYAAA MY LOVE <333333 i am here with a cup of tea and a bunch of treats for you 🍵🍰🍦🍮

…. and some selfship questions :3c

OK SOOOOOOO I HAVE TO ASK . ABOUT KAEYA AND DILUC . I LOVE THEM SO BAD I LOVE YOU SO BAD……. i’d love to know about your love languages!! for both ships!!!!! how do you show them you care, and how do they show you they care? <33 also, what is your relationship with their brother like in each respective selfship?? do you get along? :3

and then . gojo ….. (idk if you selfship with shoko at all but this question absolutely goes for her too if so!!) what do you do for each other when you’re having a rough day?? :’)

ily rheya <333 take as much time as you need with this i got . a little carried away with the questions 😭 BUT I’D LOVE TO HEAR ABT ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING YOU WANNA SHARE <33333 sending you so many kisses and hugs!!!!!!

ARIIII HI AGAIN !!!! gratefully accepting all the treats pls come sit with me so we can share them and cuddle <333

giggling and kicking my feet at all these questions i love you so so much !!!! buckle in bc this got much longer than i expected it to...

OKAY FIRST MY FAV TRAGIC BROTHER DUO

me n kaeya....bicker a lot lmao !! but that's how we show affection :33 i think both of us would be very big on quality time !! kaeya would also lean towards a lot of physical touch bc he's a silly lil guy that can't keep his hands to himself <33

as for me n diluc...i think diluc is a very acts of service type of guy !! he doesn't say a lot but he shows affection by doing things for me which is so sweet :33 as for me i think i'd be a big physical touch girlie with him (i won't let go of him he's probably so tired of me LMAO)

i can't see myself being on truly bad terms with either brother since both selfships are a childhood friends to lovers trope hehe !! so i wouldn't be able to hate either of them <///3 when i'm with kaeya i would be on courteous terms with diluc, mostly a hello how are you type thing (which makes me a lil sad since we were all close when we were kids) but diluc has chosen to remain distant.

but when i'm with diluc i'd be on really good terms with kaeya since he's always hanging around angel's share and stuff (and i think kaeya would be more eager to talk to me than diluc would be) !! hopefully that makes sense i feel like i just rambled....

NOW ONTO JJK

i won't lie me n satoru have the most thought out relationship out of all my selfships bc i've quite literally been thinking about him for four years now. when i'm having a rough day satoru is on a mission to cheer me up, but won't ever admit it. he'll subtly do things to make me happy like playfully annoy me or take me to do things i enjoy !!

as for if he's in a bad mood, i'd just get him things he likes (like sweets) and tease him until he's grinning and teasing back. i think we'd have a very bickering heavy relationship so i know he's all better when he's got that dynamic back (a couple of hugs and kisses here and there wouldn't hurt either) <33

this might sound weird but we don't necessarily talk about our bad days/things we struggle with. it's more so a type of thing where we can just tell that smth is wrong, and the best way to deal with that is just be present. so basically actions over words and we never bring it up again lmao...

shoko and i are very different. i am 100% more clingy with her so if i'm having a bad day she will let me cuddle with her or just stay attached to her hip until i'm better. she'll probably act all teasy and semi exasperated but i'd like to think she doesn't mind :33

and if she's having a bad day she usually won't admit it so i'll do my best to make her laugh. find me ripping the cigarettes away from her and smothering her with a whole bunch of kisses <////3

i'm so sorry ari bby i ended up ranting a lot but this was so much fun to talk about !! tysm for sending them in i'm smooching you until you're tired of me :33

also pls pls pls tell me about your selfships i'm so curious !! who do you selfship with ari ?? tell me all about them <33333

[iloveschiaparelli]

My issues with this post:

[Image ID: Tumblr post by @/Correllian with a picture of a blue gradient with white text that says "It's not neurotypical or neurodivergent. It's vanilla or neurospicy." The caption says "Why be plain, when you can be spicy? 'normal' is overrated and boring." The post has 0 notes. /.End ID]

Note: I wrote this post intending for it to be a reblog, but upon viewing the rest of the contents of the profile I decided I did not want to engage with the blog's owner since the "facebook republican" vibe was extremely strong, and I do not want to argue with this person. My goal with the post is to educate, and I do not see that being productive with this person. If that seems like a stupid reason to screenshot instead of reblogging, or rude, let me know and I will repost as a reblog. But for the time being iIwould like to avoid engaging with the blog's owner and simply talk about this specific post.

***

I keep seeing this come up in my feed and ive been mostly ignoring it bc it makes me slightly uncomfortable but then i saw it had 0 notes which either means im the only one seeing it or the people seeing it also feel the same way i do (maybe??)

Anyway it's not even a big deal TBH but here's why I don't really like this, I'm not trying to be insulting or anything I just want to be informative and LITERALLY this is not important enough of a problem to warrant the quantity of words I'll be using, but that's just how I am. Sorry.

First of all, the neurodivergent/typical label first came from a journalist who wanted to acknowledge that not every condition is a disorder and that there are natural variations in how peoples' brains work. So, to refer to ADHD and autism as "neurodivergent" rather than "broken" or "disordered", with the goal of putting into perspective that you, as a person, are not broken or that there is "something wrong with you" just because you are autistic or ADHD.

It's popular now, but neurodiversity labels haven't been in widespread use for very long despite being coined in 1998 by Harvey Blume. A lot of the push for neurodiversity labels came from the autistic community and so it's kind of a victory of sorts to be able to use them instead of referring to people as "normal" vs "autistic/ADHD", since categorizing people into "normal" and "other" boxes naturally creates a sense of otherness, both in the minds of people on the neurodivergent side and the neurotypical side.

In addition to confronting this issue, the neurodivergent labels are also just, more accurate? There isn't really even a definition of what "normal" means, and it implies the absence of problems altogether which we know is not true because nearly everyone in the world experiences some kind of mental or physical problem, of varying severities. It could be depression, it could be an allergy, it could be a disability beyond depression.

The word Neurotypical on the other hand is targeted specifically to the brain (Neuro) and rather than using a vague term like normal, uses the term Typical. We as a society generally use the word Typical interchangeably with normal, but specifically usually as a way to describe someone who fits the characteristic of whatever group they are in, or someone's actions that fit the characteristics of their other actions. Essentially, to describe someone or something that is consistent with a "type".

"Sweating and increased heart rate are typical experiences for those engaging in intense physical exercise."

"Sarah is always late to things! She isn't here at the party yet, and it started two hours ago. How typical of her."

Therefore, Neurotypical specifically refers to either people or behaviors that are consistent with the most common set of neurological conditions and behaviors, or with the most common neurotype.

Neurodivergent simply means anyone who deviates from this neurotype, which is why it's a blanket term for autism and ADHD. It could also be expanded to include other neurotypes as well, although I'm not familiar with them all, if there are any.

The first problem I have with this comment about ditching Neurotypical/Neurodivergent for Vanilla/Neurospicy is that people in the autism community are quite divided on whether neurospicy is a further-stigmatizing or infantalizing alteration to neurodivergent. One discussion of why can be found in this tik tok here. (It's like 10 seconds long). Although there is a pretty large group of neurodivergents who are OK with and even enjoy the use of Neurospicy, it seems that there is an equally large group of neurodivergents that are not and do not.

I am included in that second group, but my roommate is in the former. As long as she does not use neurospicy as a term to describe me, I do not mind if she jokes about it for herself! However, this post states in a very matter-of-fact tone typical of facebook posts that not only should vanilla/neurospicy be used, but that neurotypical/neurodivergent should not be used. The text in this image goes out of its way to invalidate existing, widely used labels in favor of ones that many see as stigmatizing or infantalizing. Both of which are huge problems for the ADHD/Autism community, especially the latter group due to developmental delay associated with autism. The societal attitude surrounding this word is similar to the reaction to "Is he acoustic" which for some autistics is a funny joke, but objectively still causes harm because of the way it is weaponized by neurotypicals to make fun of autistic traits and autistics in general by posting the audio or cracking the joke whenever someone does something "weird" or unexplainable. I've even seen acoustic used to describe an object that has stopped working properly (broken = autistic). Neurospicy is, although much less frequently, used in a similar way by neurotypicals to make jokes about autistics in ways that are not always respectful and can be harmful.

The text in the post itself goes even further to say "'normal' is overrated and boring." The word Normal is not used prior to this in the post, but by context it seems to refer to the neurotypicall/neurodivergent labels as "normal" labels and is saying that they are overrated and boring, and that using Neurospicy instead is different and therefore good.

The second problem I have with this post is the use of the word Vanilla. This one is much more of a subjective problem, since different people will gather different things from seeing this word based on what kind of content they regularly interact with. Personally, when I see the word vanilla it usually makes me think of ice cream or Minecraft mods, but in this post it's used right alongside the word "spicy" and normally the only place we see those two words used together in the same context is in the kink/bdsm community. As someone who used to be aspec and still resonates with those experiences, the idea of associating my neurological identity in any way with sexual activity or kink is extremely disturbing. This one is much, much less likely to be intentional, but I wanted to include it simply for complete honesty.

All this together, just causes this post to make me mildly uncomfortable, which is why I've declined to interact with it so far and have scrolled past it mostly. While I don't disparage the use of the words "vanilla/neurospicy" for people to describe themselves if they are comfortable with it, I find the notion of demanding, intentionally or not, that everyone use them and that our chosen labels be taken away from us to be very frustrating and uncomfortable.

I am aware that these effects are likely completely unintended, and once again I am really not trying to make a big deal out of it. My goal is simply to explain why this post has made me somewhat uncomfortable and may do the same to other people.

[blackjackkent]

The building the fisherman sent us to is a large warehouse sitting right on the edge of the water.

Hm.

This oil-vs-blood thing is very strange. I'm still sticking with my theory that there's some fucked up Steel Watcher going around murdering people, but I don't think it's actually correct.

The warehouse is called Flymm Cargo, and its door is locked. Unlocking it reveals a bunch of dead goblins and some very, very angry worgs.

Not pictured, a number of local refugees who panicked when the fight started, which is super reasonable, and ran straight INTO the building and disappeared, which is not.

Not a terribly difficult fight. The worgs were named Gristle, Snarrrl, Rrrripper, Snapp, and Cuddleface(!), and stayed mostly grouped up so Minsc's AOE throw with Nyrulna did a lot of work. Also tried having him throw Boo into the fray for the first time; I'm not positive it had any tactical benefit but it was quite satisfying to see Boo squeaking his way through the air and slamming into an enemy.

Minsc also shouted "Buttkicking for goodness!" which brought my heart a lot of joy.

The combination of Hector, Karlach, and Minsc really makes for a juggernaut team comp (with Jaheira often alongside as a panther bc I am being a disappointment to Zen's guidance and making her go murder kitty all the time even though it's not optimal). XD

The warehouse seems to be otherwise abandoned except for the aforementioned dead goblins, who I assume owned the worgs. Hector was able to perceive a trapdoor under some cargo containers which seems to be the only likely path forward.

This at first led to what seemed like a fairly nondescript basement until I realized that it is lined with what appear to be prison cells. O.o Not sure what Flymm Cargo is hauling but it seems maybe a smidge concerning.

Thankfully there don't seem to be any people in any of the cells. (Or anything for that matter, except for one propaganda pamphlet about Gortash's new regime.) One small mystery solved, though - I now know where that "A Greasy, Smelly Climb Up..." area transition in the sewers would have led to:

Lovely. Thankfully we don't have to go that way; there's one other main door out of this area.

Hm. Machines that leak oil that looks like blood, perhaps?

Inside Machine Parts Storage we find:

Thieves' tools

Infernal iron (is there any point to carting this around anymore?)

Something called "G-Cube Lube"

Gross. Please tell me that's not what all the grease down in the sewers was.

Further on... I think we might have hit the jackpot.

...Is that a submarine? O.O

The area has one guard and is full of steaming pipes and cranking gears and seems very industrial compared to much of the city. There's a journal sitting on a desk in one corner:

Hm. First of all - Clockwork Escape Kayak is my new rock band name. Second - I'm assuming the "Cap" is the submarine, and I'm guessing to that it has something to do with the attack on Holli. What else around here would have made the sort of big wake that the fisherman was describing?

The journal is labeled "Redhammer's Journal" and the man by the sub is named "Redhammer the Deviser" so I'm guessing he's the man in charge.

"Oi, what's this? You ain't supposed to be down here, mate!"

Narrator: You spot a curious metal contraption - a submersible.

Hector has a few more intimidating/conflict-oriented dialogues here, but to start with he's just going to sate his own curiosity until the man tries to throw him out physically. "That submersible - why is it here? What is this place?"

"The only port in this whole bleedin' city that matters," the dwarf answers, unhelpfully. "Now why are you here? Did Gortash send you?"

As usual, Hector has no interest in lying, nor would he be much good at it. "You killed one of those servants of Umberlee," he says matter-of-factly. "Now they want you dead."

The dwarf raises an eyebrow - wary, but not afraid. "Oh yeah? And are you here to make good on that?"

Hector hesitates. Is he? Certainly he needs more information to know if he wants to kill this man in cold blood - his only true goals here are to impede Gortash's operation and to prevent any more innocent Umberlants from getting killed out in the water.

"I just want to know what happens in this port," he says firmly.

"Nothing without Lord Gortash's go-ahead," Redhammer says impatiently. "I transport whoever he needs taken to the Iron Throne. It's an underwater prison - most secure in the Realms. Lord Gortash keeps some Gondians there. Collateral to keep those working in the Steel Watch Foundry under control."

Hector's eyes widen. Oh, shit...

His brain starts working rapidly, parsing together a number of different facts all at once.

The Iron Throne - he knows from his own historical reading - is a name that goes back more than a century. Originally it belonged to a so-called merchant organization which orchestrated the iron crisis in Nashkel, a plan which was co-opted by the Bhaalspawn Sarevok in his attempted takeover of Baldur's Gate. How long has there been a prison named for it? Is it an official one, or a new one constructed under Gortash's leadership? Was the name a dark joke on Gortash's part? Or perhaps on Orin's?

And the Gondians...

He feels a flash of brutal vindication. He was right, and Wulbren was wrong. The Gondians are being coerced - their compatriots, or perhaps loved ones, being held imprisoned to secure their loyalty. To destroy the foundry wholesale would have been to kill trapped innocents.

And though he came here with the vague thought of assisting the Umberlants in their revenge, that thought has been replaced by another, far more important plan. Those prisoners need to be set free.

Not just because it is the right thing to do (though it is), but by doing so, they would destroy Gortash's leverage over the Gondians, and destroy the Foundry's support system. Having done that - it follows, theoretically at least - the Steel Watch will crumble, or at least be significantly weakened.

Hector feels a pulse of excitement starting to thud under his jaw - though his control holds, and none of it shows in his face. "You're going to take me to the Iron Throne," he says coolly. ""m getting the prisoners out."

The dwarf examines his impassive expression for a moment in silence, then shrugs. "I'll take you in," he agrees. Whether he is afraid of Hector's threat or simply doesn't give a shit is unclear; Hector supposes he'd take either. "But look-- there's some bad shit going down in there. You don't want to get involved. Neither did I, but it was them or me."

Hector opens his mouth to ask for clarification, but Redhammer turns away, shrugging him off. "I'll get Cap warmed up. Get in when you're ready."

-----

They all eye the little submersible rather warily as it starts to hum with power in the water.

"We are to go beneath the waves?" Minsc asks, some of his usual jovial humor missing from the question. "It is not that Minsc is afraid, you understand, but Boo does so very much dislike being wet..."

Hector smiles slightly. "I can't say I blame him, Minsc. On the bright side... this man is clearly as self-interested as they come, and therefore would likely not trust his own hide to that machine if it were not safe."

"The only true constant in the world," Jaheira murmurs dryly.

"Cheer up, Minsc," Karlach says with a grin from Hector's other side. She has been visibly excited to get a chance to talk to their new ranger companion whenever the opportunity presents, and this is no different; he can see the way her eyes are glowing with energy. "You heard what the dwarf said. It's an evil prison, and that means evil guards. You know what that means!"

Minsc brightens up at once and Boo, on his shoulder, gives a loud squeak. "You are right, my fiery friend! That is ever so many evil butts we may kick with both boots!"

[seanettlles]

get to know me better game!!!

thanks for the tag @threefill !!!!!💜

no i'm not procrastinating work wdym

were you named after anyone?

NOPE tho my parents did say they named me what they did specifically bc they wanted to call me lex 😂 and i'm just like ??????? tf is the fancyass first name for then??? all it does is confuse me, like. when am i supposed to use it?? i usually just assume government or other Super Official Forms, but i tend to overthink it a lot lol. i usually let random phone people call me it tho bc i'm likely not gonna ever talk to them again 😂 and it's not worth the extra hassle of correcting them throughout the call (imo anyway, you do you)

do you have kids?

absolutely not lmao, no hate to anyone who wants or has them but i am like. a barely-functional adult shdjfkgks i do Not feel like i'm ever gonna want or be prepared for that kinda responsibility 😅 more power to parents, you're out here doing an amazing thing tbh

do you use sarcasm a lot?

i am secretly the physical manifestation of both sarcasm and hyperbole on each other's shoulders in a trench coat 👀

(yes. a lot. mostly when speaking tho bc tone is trickier to read through text)

what's the first thing you notice about people?

prolly how they speak - not just how their voice physically sounds but like. how they present themselves through words ig??? like, i Cannot Stand people who have some anecdote for eeeverything 🙃 example, i had to partially train someone at my job and eeeverything i said, he had some remark about, generally relating to himself and how good he was at x thing i was going over bc something something i did this in my arts program, i've used this program since i was 12, i'm destined to join you guys (spoiler: he was not)

what's your eye color?

green!!! sometimes more to the brown or grey side of greens depending on the day

scary movie or happy ending?

happy ending 😭 pls life is scary enough, give me a cute slice of life media

any special talents?

i build pcs!!!!! i love pc tech tho i'm a bit behind the times on all the new releases 😂 didn't have much of a reason to pay attention to the trends during covid bc everything was jacked up in price, but my poor old 1080ti is starting to show its age a bit with some new game releases 🥺🥺🥺 maybe whenever i have income that's not going to garbage school loans or my roof i'll rebuild it

i guess i'm also a p quick study of. mooost things??? i feel like if i wasn't hardcore nerfed by adhd i could do and learn p much anything 😂 clearly god feared me ✌️

what are your hobbies?

drawing (stares at my ipad collecting dust), gaming, reading, hiking/camping, swimming, spending time (irl or otherwise) with frands ;w; i can also play a few instruments but it's been a hot minute for any of them sjdjfkfs i've really been thinking of trying to pick the oboe or bassoon back up tho TwT weird woodwinds my beloveds. i also love a good drink (or many) so going out with friends to breweries is fun :D they made a slight beer snob of me lmao, but i tend to stick to lighter/hoppier ones

have any pets?

i have 2.5 cats!!! winston, cleo, and the .5 is raven, my brother's gf's cat who i'm currently fostering for her until the spring/summer ;w; they're all sweet troublemakers and i adore themmm💜💜💜 they're also all black by absolute coincidence 😂 i keep saying i'm gonna get a different color for my next cat but well. so far that hasn't exactly gone to plan shdkfkfs

what sport do you play/have you played?

uhhhhh i played soccer Very Briefly when i was a kid but that was about it 😂 i was always a marching band girlie 😌✌️

how tall are you?

5'2" on a good day lmao, height is not my family's strong suit

favorite subject at school?

arts and orchestra 💜 i didn't mind sciences too much either, biology and psychology were fun

dream job?

i do not dream of labor in any capacity 😌💜 if i could live comfortably without having to work i would take it in a heartbeat. that said i don't mind my job - i'm able to wfh most of the time and my coworkers are cool folks ;w;

if you read this far, consider yourself tagged by me if you wanna do this!!!!!!!💜

[mambalae-s]

hi hi mamba, i want to start this off with a congrats and a thank you so much for putting in the work and the energy to do this event. i really appreciate it so much and i'm so so proud of you. you're doing wonderful, darling !

for your event, i actually can't decide myself so i'm going to give you the choice to pick for me between toji and satoru from jjk - (i really really hope you're not indecisive and are able to work well under pressure ! but you can let me know if you need me to choose one);

this might need a bit of a trigger warning, but something i'm still learning to love about myself is my weight and my body. i kinda struggle with my eating habits a little bit sometimes and i won't go into detail but it's something that i'm working on :)

as far as my personality goes, i would describe myself as someone who speaks her mind and usually doesn't hold back from doing so (mostly bc i think honesty is the best policy in any kind of relationship). and um this might be kind of contradicting, but at the same time i also isolate myself from loved ones when i'm feeling down or pressured and keep everything to myself bc i don't like arguing/conflict. my friends describe me as having a sarcastic sense of humour and say that i roll my eyes a lot but they also think i'm very very sweet because i flirt with them often just for fun hehe. i'm mostly an introvert because i need to have my alone time but when i'm feeling charged then i'm able to make friends very very quickly. and my dad says it's because i'm empathetic and always know what to say when it comes to ppl hehe. (ahh this is getting too long... i just love talking about myself. i'll try wrapping it up quickly!) some other things you should know about me: i'm a hopeless romantic, don't like horror, am a total daydreamer, i write romance, fanfiction, and poetry, pink is my favourite colour, i'm a lipgloss/lipstick addict (and collect them for fun even when i don't need them), spring is my favourite season, my love language is physical touch, i'm an infp, and if it's important for the moodboard i'm south asian!

let's keep this sfw for ease, so i'll end it by describing my dream date with both men. you can then choose which one you'll do!

1. i know satoru's really really tall, but i just picture toji being taller and bigger in my head so i have this headcanon that i'm like half his size (for reference, i'm 5'3-ish) and in my head we are just grumpy x sunshine couple all the way. dream date with toji would be us going to the amusement park (my fav place on earth) and just being kids tbh. i'd force him to wear cutesy animal headbands and ride the rollercoaster and the ferris wheel with me and we'd stand in long long lines just talking and he would probably whine and complain about everything but he'd put up with it for me (also i'd probably manipulate him with my big eyes and my own bratty attitude ^^)

2. with satoru, i feel like since he's pretty childish in a relationship, i'd definitely act more bossy/mature with him as a result. (he'd look so pretty taking orders, wouldn't he?) dream date with satoru would just be a stay at home date. we'd start off by cooking dinner and dessert together, then have a spa night, and end it by doing a disney movie marathon together. he's so money i just have the urge to show him that we can do things without spending so much or going out to fancy restaurants and stuff.

anyway, i'm sorry for making this so long. as you can tell, i'm a talker. i'll leave the choice up to you for which boy to pick, but i just want to say thank you in advance. i love u sm mamba. congrats again baby doll <33

my beloved safi!! my dearest angel!! i’m so so soooo excited to do your request!! genuinely kicked my feet and did a little dancy dance when i saw your ask and i started searching for your pics as early as 4am before work! as soon as you mentioned sunshine x grumpy, you’d gotten me on team toji! im gonna make the prettiest, cutest, sweetest boards and scenarios for you, because you truly are as bright as the sun and you deserve the world! hugging you sooooo warmly!

also please don’t feel bad for telling me as much as you did!’ it makes me happy to learn about you all during these little events!

╰┈➤ cherry blossom lips — safi x toji

╰┈➤ song — pov by ariana grande

𓆩ᥫ᭡𓆪 one of the first things that really drew toji to you was your smile. he finds the way your eyes light up and crinkle ever so slightly ever so enchanting. he’s so entirely enraptured, you have no idea just how much!

𓆩ᥫ᭡𓆪 i’ve said this for others as well, but toji’s also the kind of lover who is very attentive to you and your likes. i also think that he spoils you quite a bit! he’ll take note of your collection of lipglosses and lipsticks and whenever he’s out, he always keeps his eyes open for ones that he thinks you’ll like.

𓆩ᥫ᭡𓆪 if you only ask him once, he’ll help you pick out a lovely combination for your days and contemplates very intensely on what look he thinks would work well! he’s very involved surprisingly and loves to see the way you switch things up every now and then, and finds it really cute when you keep returning to favourites time and time again.

𓆩ᥫ᭡𓆪 i also think he’d be very playful and loves to kiss your glossy lips, if only to taste the sweet flavours as he licks the tint from his own lips, keeping his eyes locked on yours with your chin between his fingers as he tells you how sweet you taste.

𓆩ᥫ᭡𓆪 he’s very perceptive to you and your feelings and always looks out for you as best as he can. he knows just how much you care for others around him, and him especially, always making sure that he’s alright, asking him about his day and of anything that he may have on his mind.

𓆩ᥫ᭡𓆪 he might not be very vocal about it, but his way of reassuring you is at first to pull you in for a long hug. he rests his chin on top of your head and just holds you close to him, hands stroking your back and waist and taking slow, deep breaths so that you’ll follow his lead. especially during moments when he notices you quietly hurting, he’ll always mutter loving reassurances that he’s here for you, and that you don’t have to push yourself to talk to him until you’re ready — just know that he’s there for you

𓆩ᥫ᭡𓆪 he also knows how much you try to show yourself love, especially when it comes to your body. toji can tell whenever you’re having a hard time showing yourself the love he feels for you, and his way of reminding you of that love is by initiating physical contact in very intimate ways!

𓆩ᥫ᭡𓆪 not intimate as in sexual, but he’ll lay down with you and shower your entire body with kisses, reaching beneath your clothes with his fingers and taking his time to let each kiss linger, with little whispers of everything he loves, every part of you that you’re still learning to love on yourself. like i said, he’s extremely intentional, so know that all of those kisses and light touches are overflowing with love he feels deep inside his heart, because he’ll be there to love you until — and even after — you’ve fully grown to love yourself the way he does

𓆩ᥫ᭡𓆪 when you ask him one day to visit an amusement park with you, he doesn’t think twice about saying yes! sure, he might act like he has zero interest in wearing those cute headbands with you, but he’d do anything just to make you happy!

𓆩ᥫ᭡𓆪 sure, he’ll say that it won’t look good on him and that it’ll make him look silly, but how can he say no to those pleading eyes and pouty lips of yours? in the end, he’ll let you stuff his mouth full of cotton candy and grumble as you set cute mickey mouse ears atop his head — and don’t tell anyone, but he melts like putty at the way you light up and boop his nose, a little red faced as you tell him how cute he looks

𓆩ᥫ᭡𓆪 he’ll even match with you to wear pink themed outfits! if it’s a colder time of the year when you both go, he’ll buy you both pink lilo onesies ahead of time so that you can wear them together! absolutely loves the pictures you both take and sets them as your contact photo, his wallpaper, all so that he can see the way you smile at the camera while his soft gaze is trained on you

𓆩ᥫ᭡𓆪 now this is a secret, but toji gets a little squeamish in high places, so he’s a little nervous at first about going on the roller coasters and ferris wheels, but it’s all so worth it as he gets to hear your joyful squeals and laughter, watching your eyes crinkle as you belt out all these happy noises. the fact that you’re enjoying yourself makes him all the more pleased and he takes his own enjoyment purely from you.

𓆩ᥫ᭡𓆪 he knows how you love the romantic things in life, so he takes you to the biggest ferris wheel in the park at night when all the lights shine like colourful stars. he wraps his arm around you and admires you admiring the scene around you, leaning into his embrace and just taking in the moment. he can’t stop himself from thinking just how precious you are to him, how much he loves you, and would absolutely tear the world apart to keep you safe.

𓆩ᥫ᭡𓆪 when your cart reaches the highest point of the ride, he lets himself go and pulls you in for a sweet kiss, letting it last for seconds that feel like years and mere moments to him as he drinks you in for all that you are, pouring into you every poem he’s secretly written in his heart for you. he whispers to you how much you love him, “until the end of time, safi… i’ll always love you, even after then.”

mamba celebrates 100 followers — jjk and haikyuu selfship event!

[omegapheromone]

I think about my identity in the context of Omegaverse a lot- I've always struggled with it, but recently, I've had even more thoughts.

I've always (for as long as I've known what omegaverse is) identified as an omega.

But what tends to mess with my self-perception is that I've always been some flavour of demisexual at the very least, even without the sexual trauma that has just caused me to be even more avoidant and scared of intimacy.

Topics of sexuality/libido, sex, etc below, NSFW. Kink mentions, sexual trauma mentions, also mentions of past abusive partners etc. It's just a long ramble

And, sometimes I wonder, am I aromantic? Demiromantic? I don't think I am, but at the same time, while I experience crushes and strong emotions, every relationship I've been in has usually been shadowed by this sense of, it always seems like I'm far more detached and independent than the other person is.

Maybe it's a neurodivergency thing- but I'm usually perfectly happy without constant connection to a partner. I actually like to have plenty of my own alone time where I can be alone. I enjoy stuff like cuddling and affection, but I don't feel like I need constant displays of care/affection, especially verbal. I don't feel the need to be constantly messaging a partner if it's long distance. I struggle to say the word "love" (though this could probably be trauma as well). I find myself disinterested and passive fairly often, especially when a partner is trying to get something from me (whether it be affection, sex, etc- I feel like it becomes a chore when it's being demanded of me). I don't need constant hourly updates on their daily life, nor do I necessarily feel the need to check in on them myself, especially not as often as my past partners have insisted on checking in with me (at minimum once every 30-60minutes). To me it's usually just a given that they're probably fine, they've been fine before I was in their life so why would they not be, when I am in their life? That type of logic. I hope I don't sound callous or unfeeling, because it's not that- I genuinely do care very much, and feel very deeply for people, but maybe the way I express or show it is just... wrong, or dysfunctional, or not there, the way it should be.

And idk, I just often feel a little broken, in some way, as an omega. I'm quite passive and struggle to show emotion. I desire to have a romantic partner because I do know I at least experience crushes and aesthetic/visual attraction, and I enjoy many aspects of a relationship of that sort- the companionship, the emotional value, the easily available physical comfort of cuddles and such, and so on. But, at the same time, I feel broken. I can't tell if all my partners have actually just been super obsessive over me, or if I'm the problem and don't care enough, somehow.

My libido is also actually very low, and honestly, I prefer to take care of my own needs myself because sex with a partner usually has just felt like a chore where I need to look and sound sexy and make a partner feel nice. Honestly I hate to admit it even though they were abusive and it shouldn't bother me to say it, but like, 90% of my orgasms with my previous long-term partner irl were fake. A part of it was bc they would act all self-deprecating and pitiful and question if I even found them attractive or wanted to be with them at all and that's why I wasn't able to cum (no, idiot, I have a lot of sexual and sex-related trauma, that's why!!) But I think another part was just... it mostly felt like something I needed to act to "play my part" so that I could complete this "chore". My mind also usually wandered and I struggled to stay "in the mood" to begin with, usually I would be thinking about mundane things or daydreaming instead of actually being in the moment. To some extent, sensory deprivation play helps with that, but that's not always viable, especially when my partners have usually been ones with insanely high libidos (which I mean, should have been a red flag from the start since it did end up with me feeling coerced/coaxed into sex on multiple occasions, but I can't blame their toxic traits on it since it was ultimately me who didn't speak up and say no, and I was too cowardly to break up despite this obvious incompatibility (among others))

Iirc I've always somewhat identified with the demisexual/demiromantic labels, ever since I started discivering my own sexuality. But I always wonder how much of it is a reaction that's caused by trauma and distrust and me being neurodivergent, and how much is actually just my sexuality. I think I've never really been able to explore it because I've never actually felt safe, even with past partners who technically did 'care', and wanted me to feel safe, but would emotionally manipulate me if I struggled with it (again, "why don't you trust me, do you hate me, am I evil and horrible, why don't you feel safe with me? Am I not good enough??" Type bs, and I hate that it worked on me back then). Idk, now I'm getting to an age where most people my age have a long-term partner already and I'm kinds just used to being single and such, and even though I want romance, the whole idea of letting anyone close enough to get to know me is actually just so daunting that I wonder if it's better I just give up on dating entirely, especially since omegaverse puts a LOT of emphasis on mates and mating. I'm not a believer in fated pairs either, not since an abuser used a similar concept to manipulate me into staying with them multiple times

Honestly I can't remember where I was going with this. I think I just had thoughts and needed to express them somehow? Idk. But, anyway. Sorry for the random rant, especially if you read the whole thing- it's a lot of text and quite disjointed and disorganized, and I don't really even have a takeaway or conclusion or main point to any of this

[angeloftrumpets]

Hiii ^_^/ I was wondering if you had a back/story for your S/I(s) with any of your F/O(s)? I'm mostly curious, and only if you'd like to share :3c

HIIIIIIII okie this is going to probab;y be a very jumbled adnd maybe confusing and long post bc AA but i will try to make it understandable and write it before my ride gets here and picks me UP OKIE (edit i have been adding onto this post on my shift since like 1 am my time so i apologize if its confusing my work laptop is weird ANYWAYS)

I only have one s/i aside from just straight?? up me?? (or a backstory if that makes sense) and thats neph or, the cat/shark guy (Funfact!!! neph came from a convo with toonie, ill explain a bit below but he is cursed to not have a name and since hes a Nephilim toonie decided to start calling him neph, as like a shorter version of it! (thanks toon ! :3 💛)

to begin obviously he is a Nephilim, i hc six also is one since i remembered my mom telling me something about the Nephilim teaching humanity about technology i dont know where it is said about that but thats where that hc comes from!! they are both (neph and six) are kind of a 'different' kind of Nephilim as in they are only related with technology and were apart of the ones that showed humanity technology, so example both him and six both have the ability to go through the television and when it is invented computers/phones etc, that just kinda explains the general basis of how he works the cat tail/shark stuff is cause im cringe and think that combo looks cool and that he can shapeshift (As i imagine most nephilims can?) and since he mostly exist on a digital plane no one is going to question if they see some weird combination of animal on some animated program if he were to appear in it even though he looks like that physically also. due to the fact that he is a Nephilim, he obviously isnt liked by most beings from the heavens since he is a product of a human and a fallen angel and was cursed by the big g himself to not have a name nor be seen physically by humanity, which can get pretty lonely and make someone weird, he has a long history of being chased out by various angels that catch him lurking by (he likes to hang out around the garden of eden, thats where him and toonie met) ALSO if we are gonna get specific michael DOESNT like him and has definitely nearly killed him like twice. hes welcome in hell tho :))) neph doesnt hold any hard feelings twards angels for not being fond of him considering what he is, but not all of them are like that. obviously, toon being one of them (or i guess archangel gabriel if we are being literal but i dont want to confuse alt g and him so i will say toon)

when they both first met toon was definitely a little anxious at first considering hes heard of Nephilims/his peers going after them/ and the flood in general (by the way, i dont remember what ep it is but i hc when alt g tells noah something will be joining him on the boat it neph was apart of that (specifically six and neph, and some type of alternate, since the flood also wiped out Nephilims he had to keep some alive to help him) anyways back to what i was saying sjhfdfh they ended up becoming close and when toon isnt off doing angel or messenger duties hes usually with neph in the garden of eden (same goes with if neph isnt doing something for alt g or something along those lines) after the events of overthrone (if we go by the toonb/riel sand tomb theory i know some people think that was jesus or atleast my roomate hcs this so ) neph wasnt told about what had happened to him and was confused why he was no longer able to find him, noticing that there was definitely something very wrong with the heavens (due to alt gs actions yk) he ends up eventually figuring out what had happened and in a weird time/universe fucky way is able to get toonb/riel out, since its no longer safe at all for toon to exist (and also alt gab doesnt know that he has escaped) he basically is forced to exist within the realm of media in a strange way (BEGINNER BIBLEEEE HEHEHEHEHEHEHHEHEHEEHEHE) though this isnt 100% set in stone and it changes but i like to think it would be cool if he is able to exist within the realms of technology as some digital angel OKIE i am SO SO SO SORRY FOR SUCH A LONG POST i got so giddy and excited at seeing this ask and have been trying my best to figure out how to answere it THANK YOU SO MUCHF OR ASKING ME!!!!!!

[weeb-cheese]

Hello! Changel from Twitch here! Hope the day is treating you well <3

This is the quite heavy question i didn't share on twitch bc of it being heavy, but feel free not to answer it if it makes you too uncomfortable to talk about!

So...I have been following the Kuro manga since before the Blue Memory Arc was released, but I never realized Ciel was a victim of CSA until the chapter where it was disclosed. Recently, after i got back into the manga, i even thought "Yana, did you even plan this or was it a last minute decision to put something extremely fucked up?"

However, looking trough tumblr, i found out some people called it (and i may have misinterpreted, or remember wrong, but I think you're one of them?) before it even happened and i wanted to ask...Can you share what made it so obvious for you? Because the only thing i can think of is his dislike for physical touch, but that can be chalked up to non-sexual physical abuse as well, so idk I'm just curious on what the foreshadowing was that i missed?

Again, feel free not to answer if its too heavy. I usually avoid any talk about sexual assaults of any kind, however i just wanted to understand the foreshadowing/effects on o!Ciel that i missed, but i totally understand if you don't feel up to it. Your mental health comes first :)

Sorry to bring up such a dark topic...

Stay safe <3

I don't clearly remember what it was exactly that let me know. I think it was a combination of things. But mostly I think it was a gut feeling and projection? More explanation under the cut since it's long and also can be heavy

I started reading the manga for Kuro shortly after getting out of a really traumatic relationship. I'll be straight up, there was nothing more than non-consensual groping and a type of emotional abuse that some mental health professionals call emotional rape. So I obviously never experienced anything like Ciel did. But, I was able to take my own feelings and find them in Ciel. Things I felt, and behaviors I exhibited were mirrored and exaggerated in him. He was displaying behaviors that had my mom asking me if anything had happened. So I kind of just put two and two together. (btw this was a decade ago. I've been healing, and am okay now!)

A scene that really solidified it though was his PTSD attack in Green Witch arc. And especially the fact that he only felt safe with Finny there. Ciel wasn't in a place where he could clearly differentiate between reality and his own nightmares and memories. So any adult presence was a reminder of those who hurt him. But since Finny was also a teenager, his presence was safe, comforting even. There are a few other scenes through out the manga where Ciel displays classic symptoms of being an assault survivor. Moments where he didn't want to be touched that felt too extreme to be anything else. Like the time he pulled a gun on Sebastian when being woken up one morning after a nightmare. The manga tried to play it off as him being scared after reading scary stories before bed. But it felt deeper than that to me.

It also just made sense to me? I had a really negative outlook on the world back then, and for some reason was hearing a lot about assault in the news. And I was also getting to the age where my mom was talking to me more about that kind of thing, so I'd be aware and better able to protect myself as I graduated high school and entered college. So I guess it was just on my mind a lot. But it just seemed like a safe assumption to make. Like what else would these weirdos be doing with a bunch of kids? I say this all the time, but it's THE WORST headcanon to have confirmed in canon.

I think with the symbolic way Yana Toboso portrayed THAT chapter, it wasn't done for shock factor or just to add something fucked. I think it was something she had in mind from the start. And at least knew she wanted to include that in the manga long enough to have put so much thought and care into how she portrayed it. It's still an incredibly fucked up chapter, but to me it didn't feel like something she put in for the sake of the reader, or to gawk at how fucked up it is. She's referenced CSA a bit through out the manga as well. In the Circus arc, when Kelvin is told that Ciel was in captivity and would be the lamb, the other guy makes a comment about how he and the other cult guys would love Ciel plenty enough for Kelvin. And that so clearly is about CSA, especially now that I know Yana Toboso had that in mind as well.

I don't think you really missed a lot of foreshadowing. Especially since most of it was vague or brushed off and explained away by something else in the manga. Or required you to be pretty familiar with those feelings and symptoms yourself. If Yana Toboso wanted to make it clearer from the start, she would have. Maybe she wasn't too sure if she wanted to confirm that. I know when it comes to the writing process you'll come up with a lot of character traits and back stories that help shape the character, but may not actually make it to the final product of the story.

[pisspope]

cat ive got couple coming right up

🐶💕(this one esp)💚💤🌟💋🛡

and the last but not least✅whos the housewife of the household (aka does all the cooking and cleaning and will look stunning in a backless apron)

speak i listen 🎤🎤🎤

oh for u mae? anything

🐶: If you and your f/o were to get a pet, what would it be?

Okay so in canonverse we have two rats that are retirees from a marleyan science experiment. one of ems got a piece of ear missing and the other is mostly blind but zeke likes to set them on his shoulders while he reads the paper. Sees them as kindred spirits (Beast being used for science experiments and all), also jokes about them having the same amount of time left (rats only live about two years). Which... jeez zeke. Hilarious but jeez.

In modern aus we have a kid named Xavier and until she's able to speak we call her our pet but otherwise?? Too busy. Might get a cat in our later years though.

💕: Who’s the clingier one in the relationship?

it's zeke he's soooooo whiny. like once ur his person u r His Person and he will not let you forget it for a second. gets out of work or some activity early and is calling you up like "why aren't you homeeeeee I wanna watch tvvvvvv". Not physically clingy but verbally and emotionally clingy. Sends u a text and then sends "🥺" every five minutes until you respond.

💚: Who gets jealous?

BOTH. we both act like we're hot shit but also secretly think the other person is settling. I keep it on the dl then get a little buzzed and say "do u like [person] better than me be honest 👉👈🥺" and he has to reassure me that no, now and forever everyone but me can suck eggs. zeke will get fake jealous because I think it's sexy ("saw u waving at the mailman today. fucking tart." then we [redacted][redacted][redacted]), but also gets actually jealous specifically when I talk about my thing for older men. Def have a come-to-ymir moment in the idol au after I flirt too much with label director Zachary if u catch my drift.

💤: Do you sleep together? If so, describe your sleeping positions and patterns (E.g. who steals the blankets, are either of you insomniacs, etc.)

So we do sleep in the same bed but,,,,,, our sleep schedules are insanely fucked. Like it's been known to happen on occasion that I go to bed before midnight and he doesn't wake up at 4 AM to eat a cheese stick and crash on the couch watching markiplier but it's rare. actually a boon in aus where we have a kid or two because one of us is usually up at any point during the day or night to answer inane requests. both sleep in fetal position backs to each other asses touching bc if I see his bits or he sees mine it's on sight ://// horn dogs :///

🌟: Who’s the tease in the relationship?

Me :) although he stone faces his way through it in public. second we're home though teehee I'm in danger (affectionate). 100% a pants wearer so the second I walk out of the bathroom in a skirt he knows I'm gonna be flirty and obnoxious all fucking day. eyes rolling into the back of his head but he secretly enjoys it.

💋: Where are your favorite places to kiss your f/o/where are their favorite places to kiss you?

I like to smooch him right underneath his jaw where his beard is sparse so I can kiss and then pull at the longer stubble so he yelps. also kissing his stomach and pulling at his chest hairs, a little mean and a little sweet at the same time.

hes an inner thigh kisser and biter no doubt in my damn mind. also likes pressing kisses to the lips down there idk idk idk

🛡: Who’s the more protective one?

hmm see this is a tough call because it's kind of neither? we're pretty independent of one another so we end up holding our own a lot. I do have a tendency to just lay down and take it when someone's mean though so if zekes in the room when that happens? oh I pity whoever spoke ill of me. but this is only if I'm in the room and its more of him defending me because I didn't stick up for myself, like if someone were to talk shit and I weren't there? He'd probably just shrug it off or even chuckle and agree. So yeah. Cake is not winning a chivalry contest any time soon.

✅️: Who does the housework?

Trick question because Zeke does the chores to the best of his ability in a little "May the Forks Be With You" Star Wars apron but his best is my half-assed. so he does the chores and I thank him soooo much then while he sleeps or does work I pick up the detail work. type to glass clean all the windows but not dust all the surfaces ynow. neither of us can cook tho :/ zeke boils hot dogs and expects a compliment for using the stove

[ame-to-ame]

okay now that it's been months and nobody knows me here i can finally admit a secret idek guilt? I'd hid from my ex gf while we were dating bc i just saw a cute lesbian comic and was just reminded

like first of all premises: 1) i was a huge simp in silence for my ex. by in silence i mean i probably liked her more than what i could express to her so she probably does not know the extent of downbadness i was. by that i mean i would regularly text my friends abt things how in love i was w her. by that i mean i spent half of my existence trying to tone it down and try to keep level headed abt it bc i really think if my ex had asked me for my bank account password at some point i might have just given it no questions asked. by that i mean my friends teased me regularly and i was proud of it. 2) i am not a big romance person. shocking. despite clause 1. and so being down bad is sometimes so embarrassing for myself. i don't like pda and i don't like a lot of certain staples in romance. so it's scary for me when i like someone so much i want to do things i usually don't like. 3) I'm also not a big picture person. bad experiences w taking pictures w my mom. bad experiences of seeing myself in photos and experiencing what is probably gender dysphoria or hating how i look to the core. i only take and keep pictures where i look cute.

so that being said. There was one time when my ex wasn't noticing and when we were kissing i had her iPad and i was playing around w it before and i took a picture and it was really really fucking cute. and uh. idk. Yeah. i really wanted to keep it but i didn't. want her to see it or know i wanted it bc that's embarrassing. so i just. deleted it. and deleted it from the trash too.

but it's kinda one of the things i regretted the most after the break up bc i really don't have much as a keepsake for the good parts of the relationship. i was always scared of asking to take pictures of her and us because i didn't want to go too fast or let her know, i guess, in a weird way, how much i was into her. i don't really have anything physical to keep as memento compared to last relationships, and not much digital either. I gave back the only thing she gave me in the relationship.

to be fair right after the break up the focus really was on moving past it as quickly as i could. so i did. practically delete every picture i did have of her. get rid of every single reminder there was. even if i did have the picture it probably would have the same fate. but all of that would still be retrievable if i tried. it's kinda at one point when you're okay about things then you feel some sort of. idk. idk. it's like an old friend.

i think it's mostly just that I'm already having some memory loss when it comes to it. There will be a point when i can't remember those times at all and all i will be able to remember is the aftermath. i don't know if i want that. unlike the previous one i was actually pretty happy while i was in the relationship. but i already can't really remember things anymore and they're all so fuzzy. i remember certain events only when there's some sort of association. i can't really quite remember what our first date was like. where did we go. what did we do. i don't really know actually.

and idk it's something that i'd want to be able to remember and think favorably about so it's just a bit regretful that i didn't have anything to remember by.

but i think also part of it is the regret that i tried so hard to do things right that i didn't really get to even talk about the things i would have wanted to experience. i think in another life i would have liked to be able to ask to have that picture without taking it in secret or by accident. i think in another life i would have liked to be able to ask for pictures to keep as my homescreen and lockscreen. in another life i would get matching keychains or accessories. in another life i would have been able to say how much i liked her without being afraid of scaring her and being afraid of how much i liked her myself. In the end i won the i love you more competition! She was adamant when she said it. She said I couldn't possibly understand how much she liked me. I don't think she could possibly understand how much i adored her. Maybe in another life.

Next time when i fall in love i don't want to be scared anymore. I want to be brave and ask for the things i want. i want to love selfishly next time. i really hope i still have the capacity to adore someone to the extent i liked my ex.

[bewwy]

Venting, nothing too interesting here.

TW: depression, eating issues, death (sounds bad, but i'm physically fine)

I am incredibly depressed. My birthday is in what? 5 days? And I can say it's been horrible, I don't know why this year specifically, but I just..... don't want to have a family lunch.

I live with my grandparents, uncle and my mom, for the past 8 years, and I can tell you none of those have been enjoyable. Nothing abuse related, i just hate the living space and a bunch of other stuff I'll talk nore about later.

I used to sleep in a deposit space, barely room enough for my bad and a small side table, had to take tge doors of one of the wardrobes, so the table could fit.

I honestly prefered it to now. After my father died, I had to give that space up, so the person that helped my grandparents could stay. What was I supposed to do? Throw a fit? My father had just died, I couldn't really focus on that.

Since then I've had to share the room with my mother, we sleep on the same bed, I sleep on my dads side..... i hate it. I feel like I'm taking away his space, his memory, that I am erasing his presence. At least I have a table that fits my pc.

I feel like trash about complaining about this, I have a roof over my head, and food....

This is where I talk my food situation. It's.... bad? But not in the usual way. My grandparents are old, pops has alzheimer and he is barely a shell of who he was. My grandma has dementia and she is stubborn to a fault. Both have specif diates they eat, my grandma enjoys bland foods and with a lot of sauces and stuff.

I am the complet oposit, but I don't mind cooking my own food, the issue is that she hates when I use any ingredients, she always says she is gonna use it for something, and that I shouldn't touch her stuff, but she never uses it, so much of the stuff in the pantry is spoiled, and she won't let us throw it away, i open the fridge and so many containers smell bad and spoiled.

I have no pleasure when eating in this house, i swallow because i have too, food goes down and i feel full, but unsatisfied, if that makes sense. I hate the fact that i can only make instant noodles with some eggs most of the time, vedgies and other meets aren't for me to use.

I'm emabressed about the house, it smells bad because of my grandpa, he can't control his bladder and it smells like piss and medicine evrywhere. The house is full of religious images that I don't relate too, i never call anyone over to hangout. No one calls me to hang out either.... mostly bcs most of my friends live in neighborhoods that are quite far, and the depression has stopped me from wanting to leave the room. It's quite bad.

I guess this comes back to my birthday, i have a dinner party with my friends ob the 3rd, and that was fine to plan, chose a fun place and see who is available.

But the family stuff? I can't, I can't chose something that would be easy for me, it needs to be in the house, cuse grandpa wouldn't be able to go then, and if i just go to lunch with my mom, my grandma will throw a fit, claming I don't love her....... I sometimes feel like I don't.

It's been so overwhelming, I can't focus, I don't kbow what I would want to eat, or what to order, i just ended up canceling my birthday. It feels horrible, but it's better then having to plan for it, it didn't even feel like my birthday anymore, it felt like I was planing for everyone else, and I was in the backdrop of it, it made me feel even more depressed kkkkkk.

[marieskey]

Well I had started writing but I didn't save bc u was on the phone oh well. Sex was fire I'm not waking up horny this time. Lol. I can't masturbate anymore. Okay well I can but I won't cum. He broke me lmao. We can literally never actually be together but he want me. He gave me a foot/leg massage. He had been offering because my foot was hurting. He put my socks back on so nicely with thought and care. Last time I was there, he fixed my blanket. That too was with thought and care lol. I found the draft! But I'm just going to stay here. He thought I wanted him to cum in me, but less talk about it. I said you're trying to feel me up before I go. And he said you want me to fill you up are you on Birthcontrol? Do you want kids, no you dont want kids bc you take take of kids? Then at one point he says yeah let the kids know. (at that point in like wtf) I what do you think I just said to you????

He was like to cum inside you. I said no I don't want kids has nothing to do with me taking care of kids all day. No you can not cum in me. If you fuck around and get me pregnant I'd be pissed. I did not say I don't want to be attached to you forever. Stopped myself. From that point on I repeatedly said you cannot cum inside me. CANNOT cum inside me. Bc listen no.

Before we actually started fucking there was a conversation about how he was always going to fuck, given the massage and food. The massage made me so wet he could fucked right then. A whole episode happened before he fucked. He was very indirect about the anal. I honestly thought he was going to say he wanted me to peg him. Which is why people need to just go head and tell me. Well before the big reveal I told him he could fuck me however wanted to fuck me. Minus the ass that was true. He bit my neck and nipples. He also choked me lightly. He put his fingers in my mouth for me. I personally think that is stupid but I sucked on them. I'm legit not horny. He stuck it in pretty much everytime I wanted him to. I told him how much I wanted him. 🙄🙄🙄🙄 asked him if he's missed me 😂😂😂 he said yeah. It had been too long. Keep telling me how good my pussy was. Think that was bc I told him he doesn't cum. Which is both good and bad. Like if he's not coming he's not getting me pregnant. But if how much fun is he having if he's not coming. Think his nut has been more intense than it usually is bc he like me more than he'd like to admit. I like him too. He's the only person. I would layup with after sex. Everyone wants me to stay 😭😭😭😭 doing a horrible job at “get that dick and go” but I don't really call him so there's that 😭😭😭. But really everyone has wanted me to stay I've always left. This nigga implies he wants me to stay I stay. Although in my defence the one time he said he wanted me to stay I left. That was mostly bc of my doctors appointment tho. I guess next time I'm not going to pretend I'm not staying when I am.

Morning sex is fire. I've been missing out not staying the night. 😭😭 so do I really like the nigga or do I like the morning sex. One could argue both. For some odd reason I don't feel the need to recount every detail of the encounter. It was good. Ima go back. I even slept a bit this time. Although I wonder about the cleanliness of the sheets/pillow. He ate me until I tapped out. I came thought he was done so I went to move. He looked up and said I'm not done. His roommate probably hears me coming. I'm really glad I haven't seen him since Jeff and I started having sex. I can't. The good news is I can probably still watch Physical 100. We didn't finish the episode. 🤣

Last thoughts, I'm glad I never fucked him in college. I would not have been able to handle it. He would have fucked me like that 10 years ago and I would've been dickmatized it would've been awful. I have less feelings for him in that way. Like I wanted to be his girlfriend. Today, he could get me pregnant and i’d be like we not together. I asked him while he was fucking me, legs in the air he's thrusting inside me, if he'd care if I was fucking someone else. He didn't answer, asked me if I wanted him go care. (wtf kind of answer is that). Had asked me if I care if he was fucking someone else. Told him were not together just fucking but he'd have to use a condom. He said okay🤷‍♂️ that's truly the extent of my care. He cannot fuck me raw and be fucking someone else. We barely kiss as it is, but we probably wouldn't do that much. Bc he'd probably eat her ass and pussy too so id be good. He shouldn't be fucking me raw but here we are toying with being parents lol. There was a point, when he was fucking, that u considered letting him fuck me in the ass. Only for two seconds tho. Snapped out of that quick. 😂