#I usually have panic attacks in my room at night but today’s was as I was pulling into my fucking driveway…

[iero]

Okay, anyone here also get constant panic attacks? What are your remedies? What do you do? What do you take? This is day four (in a row) of having a panic attack over here and I cannot keep living like this.

[ariaxmu]

cancellations

summary: theo keeps cancelling your dates, and you think it's because he isn't interested anymore. however..

warning: anxious!theo, theo has a mini panic attack, reader helps calm him down.

a month. that is how long it's been. an entire month.

a month ago, theo and i both desperately, and drunkenly, confessed our feelings for each other, after months of pining and flirting. it was truly the best night of my life. he asked me on a date, it was all planned perfectly, but it never happened.

he cancelled the first one, saying he was sick and couldn't make it. i saw him the following morning with his friends, looking perfectly fine, but i thought maybe he just took some potions and was feeling better. he apologized profusely, and we rescheduled. so i did not see this as a red flag, but now i'm not so sure.

the second time, the week after, he cancelled again. blamed it on the boys had thrown some impromptu party for blaise as his birthday was a couple of days after and they didn't realize. so i told him it was okay, we could reschedule, and that was that. he didn't even invite me to the party. and then, reluctantly we rescheduled again.

then he started ignoring me more around the school, and in classes. it's like he was avoiding me like the plague. everyday, i just prayed he would come up to me, apologize for everything and make time for me. but that day never came.

which leads us up to today. our date was supposed to be tonight, but as i stare down at the letter in my hands with watery eyes, i'm let down... again. i glance over at the slytherin table, i notice him almost hiding from me as his friends look over apologetically.

''hi, need to reschedule again. something came up - t.n <3''

i feel frustration bubble up in my chest as i read the pathetic note. i'm not one to usually get angry, but this is beyond hurtful and embarrassing. i'm tired of defending him to my friends, i'm tired of having my hopes crushed. i'm just tired.

i wipe a stray tear from my eye as my friends look at me, sympathetically. i sniffle, why can't i just be the girl someone chooses for once.

i grab my quill, quickly writing a response to his note, scoffing because he couldn't even tell me in person.

''don't reschedule this time. tired of being let down. thanks for wasting my time. - y/n.''

i stand up, hot tears still in my eyes as i walk over to the slytherin table, theo's eyes widening and cheeks bright red as i walk over. i put the note down in front of him, angrily, before walking away and out of the great hall. the dam breaks as i sob into my hands, rushing back to my dorm room to hide.

--third person--

theo quickly grabs the note, his heart and stomach dropping as he reads the words. ''shit... shit!'' he exclaimed, worriedly rubbing a hand over his face. he throws the note to his friends, as they all read it and cringe.

''damn.. you really messed this up, huh?'' mattheo mumbles out.

''yeah no shit'' theo groans.

''man you should have just told her from the start, she is kind, she would have understood'' draco says, patting theo's back.

''and what would i say? oh hi love of my life, i'm going to cancel on every one of our dates because i'm too anxious and shy?'' he scoffs.

''not exactly, but essentially yeah. she would've helped you'' draco says with a soft sigh.

''what am i supposed to do now? i can't lose her, you all know how i feel about her'' theo sighs.

''you need to explain to her why you cancelled so many times. just be honest, tell her you have anxiety and this stuff makes you freak out.'' enzo says, ''if you don't you're going to lose her.''

''what if it's too late?'' theo gulps.

''go there now. only one way to find out'' mattheo nods. theo takes a deep breath in, standing up and rushing out of the great hall. his hands shaking, palms sweating as he tried to keep himself calm.

this is what happens every time he is near y/n. he stumbles on his words, feels light headed, sweats and shakes. it's not something he has truly ever experienced before, having feelings this strong for someone. but he knows it's something he can't let his anxiety get in the way of.

--back to normal--

i cry into my pillow, feeling utterly humiliated. i have never liked someone as much as i like him, and i thought he felt the same. but clearly not.

my head snaps up as i hear a knock on my door, and i quickly hop up thinking it would be one of my friends coming to comfort me. i wipe my eyes, opening the door, heart dropping when i see theo there.

''h-hi'' he stutters out. he looks flushed, breathing ragged as he stands there.

''hi..'' i sniffle. ''what do you want?''

''i came here to uh, explain myself. can i c-come in?'' he gulped.

i nod once, feeling defeated. he walks in, sitting on the end of my bed. ''sit with me'' he takes in a deep breath.

''look, if you're just here to tell me that you don't like me anymore, or that you found someone else then just leave. i don't need to hear it'' i say, tears welling up in my eyes again just at the thought.

''n-no! it's neither of those things. my feelings for you haven't changed from the moment i met you'' he says, a little on edge but softly.

''then what is it?'' i say, confused as i sit beside him.

he shakes his head for a moment, his face going more red, breathing sounding shaky and irregular, body shaking slightly. i furrow my brows, becoming a little worred.

''are you okay? theo?'' i say, grabbing one of his hands with mine gently.

''i-i just get like this sometimes, no big deal'' he gulps, barely getting his words out through his fast breathing.

''no big deal? theo i think you're having a panic attack'' i say, standing up so i can kneel in front of him, grabbing both of his hands in mine.

''i-i can't breathe'' he choked out, breathing getting faster by the minute.

''you need to take slower breaths, theo. look at me, breathe with me'' i say as gently and as calm as i could.

''n-no i can't'' he coughs, only making the breathing worse. i look into his eyes, noticing them watering with tears, one trickling down his red cheek. hair sticking to his forehead, i am frantic as i try to think of something to help because the breathing exercises aren't.

i furrow my eyebrows, thinking of anyway i can stall his breathing without making him worse. then i get an idea.

''forgive me for this, theo, just trust me'' i say softly, before i lean up and press my lips onto his. his eyes widen for a moment, my kiss stopping his frantic breathing as he looks at me extremely shocked.

and after a moment, i feel him breathing softly through his nose, watching his eyes flutter and close, and he kisses me back. i keep my hands locked with his as we kiss, the shaking stopping as they grip mine.

and after a while, he pulls back, taking one deep breath in, and out. he locks eyes with me as i look at him with rosy cheeks.

''are you feeling okay?'' i say softly.

''yeah... thankyou'' he gulps. ''how'd you do that?'' he breathes out.

''well.. i know to help a panic attack you need to slow the breathing so um.. when i kissed you, it slowed it down'' i say, nervously.

''woah. like magic..'' he says, nodding his head as his body finally relaxes.

''this is why i have been cancelling on you. because- i have been terrified that if we go somewhere or- if i'm just with you then i'll get like this, and i didn't want to embarrass you or make you like me less..'' he explains.

''theo.. that would never happen. i've been crazy about you for ages now, your anxiety will never change that. a-and if we went somewhere and you felt this way then i'd take you somewhere quiet and try to help you. you know that'' i whisper, moving his hair from his forehead. ''i just want to be with you, is all. i want to be the person you do come to about these things'' i explain softly.

he nods his head, smiling softly. 'i'm so sorry about the past month, it's been tough. i want to make it up to you'' he says, pulling me back up to sit beside him. ''i was so anxious but- now i'm here with you i have no idea why i was...'' he mumbles, pressing his lips onto mine for a split second, a gently peck ghosting my lips.

''date is back on for tonight. i'll meet you by the great hall at 7, okay?'' he says, smiling at me as my face lights up. i nod quickly.

''and if you feel anxious before then, come here and i can use my magic powers again'' i giggle, as he walks towards the door.

''even if i don't i will still be coming back here for that'' he winks as he leaves the room.

[allisonlol]

chuuya dazai and fyodor when reader tries to remove the hickies they gave reader the next day OHKYIGOAHSS

a/n: hiii everyone i have crawled out of my void to offer you this post !! ty to the anon who came up with this wonderful idea. i've missed posting omg and we somehow are so close to 3k despite my inactivity??? slay. shall open reqs again once we get there mwehehe

warnings: slight nsfw

(Chuuya, Dazai, Fyodor) When You Try to Remove Hickeys

Chuuya

he's gonna be the most chill about this tbh

it's your body and if you don't want ppl seeing that on you then that's ur choice!!

however

hiding them is one thing, but that doesn't mean he wants to see you removing them

so yknow that hack where you take a whisk and like,,,twist it over the mark to get rid of it?

yeah so you tried that...and it was actually working until chuuya barged into the room and demanded to know what you were doing

bro is not happy to see the hickies he'd proudly left on you last night being somehow removed by a WHISK

grabs that mf thing and throws it across the room

chuuya's not angry at you, more so frustrated and insecure?? cuz like why would u wanna get rid of them

he's lowkey gonna start pouting tbh. won't say anything else but will glare & give u silent treatment

won't stop until you admit the only reason u removed them is because it was too visible with your work uniform and u didn't want everyone staring smh

insist that he should give you more in areas that people won't see and there's no guarantee y'all won't be late to work <3

Dazai

oh lord

so dazai really loves to mark you up

and last night was no different. your neck was black and blue with hickies

deadass to the point where you nearly had a heart attack when you saw it in the morning

"how am i gonna go to work like this?!" you practically sob to him while he LAUGHS

his only advice is "then don't go" as if both of y'all don't need to have ur asses at the agency in 20 minutes

you check ur phone for the time and when u see this you panic and sprint to your shared bedroom

you try everything you can think of to cover them

first you hastily layer concealer on your neck, to no avail as the marks were too dark

then digging through ur closet for clothes with a high enough neckline to hide it, to which you found none

whole time dazai is leaning against the doorframe, watching ur meltdown with an amused expression

he approaches and helps u up from the floor where u had collapsed with all the clothes strewn around you ☹️

"allow me to pick out something for you to wear" ….oh god

u guys are beyond late at this point so you sigh and accept defeat, to which dazai picks a shirt that of course displays all the marks on your neck

you got lots of stares that day to say the least

Fyodor

surprisingly fyodor doesn't usually leave too many marks on you to begin with

he's got that old fashioned take where it's like "other people don't need to see that and be in our business" if u know what i mean

however, he is also a very possessive man

^so when he gets worked up and does leave hickeys on you, the last thing he wants to see is you trying to hide or remove them

which is exactly what he walked in on u doing today

you were trying the good old "rub an ice cube on it" hack before u had to work

now this mf thinks you have some hidden agenda as to why you wanted them gone

"are you seeing someone else" 💀💀

PLS u didn't realize he had been watching from the doorway and this scares u so bad u drop the ice cube down ur shirt

u start frantically trying to get it out of ur shirt while yelling at him like "i have to work, wtf are u talking about???"

u immediately stop tho when he storms up to u and grabs your face to make you look at him

his face is so cold and unreadable omg it's scary

his eyes shift to the marks on your neck as he traces over them with his fingers

"leave these alone" he says lowly, then adjusts the collar of your shirt so they are partially covered

neither of u will say anything more about it after that, but fyodor sends sigma to secretly follow u to work to make sure that's where ur really going 😓

taglist: @deadmitochondria @miycutie @chuuyasboots @shy-socially-awkward-intovert @beandaifuku @stygianoir @sonder-paradise @irethepotato @serenareiss @ashthemadwriter @mrsdostoevsky @creamygojo @mianqo

[slytherin-pen]

Safe In His Arms

A/N: my first imagine, woo! i’ve known for awhile Cassian would be the first because he just gives me those mushy feels i need in x reader fics. this one is an emotional ride but i hope you love it nonetheless!

summary: You and Cassian found yourselves in a rare argument. Despite being mates, there were certain touchy subjects where you both held differing views. Cassian usually kept his composure around you, mindful of not scaring his beloved mate. But on this occasion, emotions ran high and Cassian's usual restraint slipped away. After going to the River House to allow you both space, Cassian returns to find you amid a panic attack. Determined to comfort you, he pulls out all the stops to show you just how cherished and secure you are in his arms.

pairing: Cassian x fem!reader

word count: 4.5k

banner credit to @cafekitsune

all ACOTAR credits belong to SJM

warnings: anxiety, ptsd, mentions of canon typical violence, mentions of parental abuse, very brief mention of suicidal thoughts, panic attacks, negative self-talk, swearing, brief mention of self-inflicted injuries (but not like that)

As the sun dipped behind the mountains in Velaris, it painted the House of Wind with hues of pink, purple, and blue. You were nestled into an armchair beside the crackling hearth, your legs and the skirt of your dress tucked under you, engrossed in one of the house's romance novels. The only other sound in the room was your ragged breaths and occasional sniffles. Although the spring air had begun to weave through the Night Court, the warmth of the fire provided a sense of comfort that no amount of blankets could replicate. Maybe it was the reminder of campfires in Illyria where you grew up. Or perhaps a certain Illyrian whose body heat was akin to the flames in the hearth.

You missed that body. Broad, muscular shoulders that were covered in his hard-earned Illyrian tattoos. Long black hair you could never resist running your fingers through. And his eyes, cauldron boil you, his eyes masterfully flecked with green and gold. It's as if the Mother herself took a paintbrush and carefully selected the perfect place for each color. You wished you could replace this chair with him and plant yourself in his loving arms. The only place you felt safe.

Snap out of it, you thought to yourself. You and Cassian argued this morning. You were supposed to be mad at him. He had gone to the River House in an attempt to give you both space to process what had been said, leaving the House of Wind to you. As if you could go anywhere else. You were an Illyrian with clipped wings. You couldn't fly and you couldn't winnow. You surely weren’t taking the ten thousand steps down the mountain.

It had been at least five hours since Cassian left, and for the mere fact he knows you can't leave without him, you hope he’ll come home soon. He knows how anxious you get when you feel trapped. Your anxiety was a contributing factor to why you and Cassian argued in the first place. It was also what sent you into a state of panic.

You two had been talking about future theoretical children when the concept of joining the Illyrian camps came up. You would never allow your children to experience the abuse you did growing up. Being close friends with the High Lord of the Night Court and living in Velaris, you couldn't fathom subjecting your children to the same horrors you endured when you were fortunate enough not to have to.

But, Cassian views it differently. The Illyrian mountains shaped him into the male he is today. He embraces his heritage, barring some of the less desirable aspects, and he would be honored to witness his children follow his legacy. Unlike you, Cassian was able to turn his past into something that motivated him. He always had something to prove. He always had a battle to win. You suppose you shouldn't expect anything different from the General. The Illyrians saw him as a bastard brute, and he would die before he accepted defeat in changing their minds. One day, he would show everyone he was more than a bastard, and Illyria was more than the culture of misogyny and violence it harbored.

Your past quite literally weighed you down in the form of wings dragging behind you. While the bat boys were raised in Windhaven, you grew up in Ironcrest. It had been as terrible as the gossip the mothers told around the fires in Windhaven. They felt lucky to have their lives as opposed to those in Ironcrest.

Your mother died when you were a child. You hadn't been home at the time, busy with your chores around the camp. When you came home, your father was sitting on the couch with his elbows resting on his knees and a glass of alcohol in one hand. He was drunk. Not that it was anything new. What was new were the scratch marks down his face and a bloody, still-healing stab wound in his right wing. You still don't believe the story he told that day. ‘Your mother lost it,’ he said. Your kind, gentle, nurturing mother who would never hurt anyone. Unless it was life or death, she had taught you that much. How to use your surroundings and the resources near you to defend yourself. Your mother knew it would happen one day. Your father had never laid a hand on you until she died, but you’d always known he had a temper and he frequently took it out on your mother. She would tell you to stay away and lock yourself in your room, and she would keep all of his attention on her until he left for the bar. But then she died, and suddenly, your nightmares became your reality. He didn’t even wait a week before he clipped your wings - after he had knocked you unconscious with his fists.

Your father had never been punished. In fact, he had been praised by his fellow warriors. You knew, if something happened to your children, no one would help them. You doubted you or Cassian could be there in time, every time. Something terrible would happen one day.

The whole conversation had stressed you out, sending you into a spiral of thoughts of doom, doom, doom. They were absurd, of course. Creating all these fake scenarios in your head as justification for your opinions about non-existent children. But Cassian had well and truly riled you up. He couldn’t help himself when his pride was hurt, he felt backed into a corner, and he couldn’t stop the harsh words from tumbling out of his mouth. You attacked his pride, so he hit you where it hurt right back.

You never told him everything about what happened to you, not just the kind of life you were escaping, but how you got away and why you were so hurt when you arrived in Windhaven. You told them that you were running from your father, he had clipped your wings and intended to sell you to a vile male. Not far from the truth considering marrying you off was definitely on his agenda at some point. But you explained away your injuries by claiming as a defenseless female running through camps alone, you got into some trouble along the way. Rhysand and Cassian believed you. Azriel being the Spymaster remained skeptical. Not of your intentions, but your injuries did not add up to a couple of scuffles. He let it go, though. He understood not being ready to share the full, brutal truth.

But because of Cassian’s ignorance of the situation, he never understood why you were so jumpy, scared of the dark, and constantly afraid of things you couldn’t explain. Why you had such crippling anxiety that caused you to leave parties early. Why you rarely joined the Inner Circle at Rita’s. Why you have panic attacks over the smallest things. Your biggest insecurity was how different you were from him. He was the big, brave, Lord of Bloodshed. He killed people regularly for cauldron's sake. And you, the damsel in distress who can’t even walk alone down the stairs at night. You were powerless, defenseless, and flightless. The complete opposite of him. You were supposed to be his equal, according to the Mother, but you couldn’t help but worry about whether she got it wrong. Whether she shackled him to the wrong female, for eternity.

Him calling you dramatic was an arrow to your heart. It hurt. He hadn’t meant for you to take it to heart like that, he was referring to the current situation. But you couldn’t help yourself in thinking it was a secret he’d kept, just waiting for him to lose a little restraint before it slipped through his lips. Here it is, you thought. The moment you’ve feared since you and Cassian began courting. He would realize how pathetic you were compared to him. How you were more like a skittish child than the equal to a warrior.

When he left, you spiraled further and further down until you couldn’t breathe.

He’s going to leave you.

He’s not coming back.

He will find a female more worthy of him and bed her.

You didn’t want to believe the lies your anxiety told you, but without Cassian there to ground you, you were bound to crash. The panic attack was sudden; like a thunderstorm in the summertime. You thrashed and wailed, clawing at your neck just so desperate for air. Unsurprisingly, that was all entirely unhelpful and you eventually tired out on the floor by the fire. When you woke from your brief nap, you crawled to the armchair and asked the House for a book. You were utterly numb, but at least you could read about other people’s feelings.

Just as you neared the end of the chapter you heard the front door open and heavy boots step through the foyer. Finally. Keeping your eyes open was becoming difficult, the soft crackle of the fire lulling you to sleep. It was important to you both that you always talked things out eventually, specifically before you went to sleep at night. ‘Never go to bed angry,’ had been your promise to each other. As he approached the library, you gathered ‘eventually’ was right now.

Cassian slowly pushed the door open, the House purposefully causing the door to creak as he did so. He suppressed the urge to roll his eyes at that. Once he was through the threshold, he could see you facing the fire, turned away from him slightly. His hair was tied into a bun and his wings were tucked in tightly behind him. He took slow, careful steps as he approached. In his mind, you may as well be an injured animal. He knew he fucked up and he would deserve every snarl and lash of claws you gave him. His fierce, resilient, compassionate mate. You were a force to be reckoned with when you wanted to be. Before he left the River House, he needed his brothers to give him the confidence to face you. Your sharp tongue could slice him into a thousand pieces if you will it. And he prayed to the cauldron you wouldn't, but if that's what you needed from him, he would stand there and take it.

But as he grew closer to you and took in the dried tear stains down your cheek, red puffy eyes, and your mess of hair falling out of its braid- he realized you were not on the attack as he had expected. You just stared at the closed book in your lap, tapping the cover rhythmically with the nails of your thumbs, jaw clenched shut. Fuck, you were anxious. Probably had been for hours now. He knew he shouldn’t have left you but he couldn’t let himself, or you, continue down the path of spitting insults at each other. Plenty of lovers in his past had preferred those methods during arguments, but the two of you had never been like that and he didn’t plan to start today.

Cassian knelt in front of you and a pained expression took over his face as he noticed the raised marks down your neck. With his large, shaking hands, he removed the book from your lap and placed it on the side table. “Sweetheart,” he whispered as he enclosed your hands in his.

You had tried to prepare yourself for this. You wanted to be brave, talk this through like mature adults, but now that he was here his words rang through your ears like temple bells.

‘You’re being dramatic.’ You knew he meant how seriously you were taking the theoretical future lives of your children and not you, but in the moment it had felt more like a dig. You were dramatic. You had your anxiety to thank for that. Hypothetical, hypothetical, hypothetical. Your mind was consumed with hypotheticals every day and he had given you the signal to run with it. Until it went too far and you practically had steam coming out of your ears while Cassian paced back and forth muttering curses to the cauldron. That’s when he decided to leave for a few hours, which quickly became six after asking Rhys for relationship advice turned into him, Rhys and Azriel finishing a bottle of wine together.

You released a shaking breath as you tilted your head up to meet his gaze. Your eyes immediately welled with tears at the hurt across his face. Hurt for you. Hurt for him. You both said things you shouldn’t have.

Cassian didn’t hesitate to lift you before sitting down in the chair and settling you across his lap at the sight of your tears. He knew he had a temper and the Mother knew he tried so hard to keep it under control for you. When you first met, he was acting as General accompanied by the High Lord and Shadowsinger. They had come into the healer's tent to interrogate you about where you came from and you had been utterly terrified. Too terrified to even speak. Rhysand had let it go long enough for you to be treated and calmed down. You looked harmless enough and had been severely injured. He doubted you were looking to pick a fight in that state.

When they returned, you had been healed, cleaned, and fed. Looking less like the almost-corpse a couple of warriors dragged in a few hours prior and more like the beautiful female he held today. The bond snapped for you both a couple of months later, but Cassian courted you like a proper gentleman. He understood that mating bond or not, he had to earn your trust and your love. You had been hurt before and you weren’t going to so easily allow yourself to be vulnerable again.

The mating ceremony happened a year ago but you both had so much love for each other it felt like it had been hundreds. Cassian was going to make sure you knew that hadn’t changed, remind you that he loved you more than the stars loved the night. “Sweetheart I’m so sorry. What I said, i-it was terrible. And I didn’t mean to make you feel like I thought you, overall, were dramatic. It was a poor choice of words and I’m sorry.”

You burrowed your head into the crook of his shoulder and tightened your arms around his neck, shielding your face from his assessing stare. He was doing a damage check. He's not surprised a fight between you would cause a panic attack. Surprising or not, you hated how you reacted when things got tense or stressful. You always wanted to be strong like Cass, or unwavering like Mor. But behind the ferocious mask you could put on when you felt vulnerable and defenseless, you were still a traumatized female. A female who is still afraid any mistake could cause you to be sent back to Ironcrest. Afraid that any angered male might still strike you, despite being proven wrong by the gentle, giant bats of the Inner Circle. You could feel the mask crumpling. It had started falling apart ever since you became aware of his presence. You could never hide yourself from him.

The pads of his fingers brushed the hair out of your face. “Look at me, baby.” His voice was hoarse, his throat constricting at the thought of how upset you must have been, and he had left you alone.

You slowly turned your head away from his shoulder and looked up at him. You took a ragged breath before you spoke. “It’s okay,” you whispered. “I’m sorry too.”

He guided your hand up to the collar of his shirt, a spot he knew you liked to hold onto when you were anxious. The fabric in your grip and the faint thumps of his nearby heartbeat grounded you. “What happened here,” he asked, tracing the angry skin on your neck with tender knuckles.

You wiggled to get up, but he only reinforced his hold on you. “I’m fine, Cass please-”

“Shhh.” He gently pushed your head back to his chest and kissed the crown of your head. “Don’t lie to me, sweetheart. We both know you aren't fine right now. Tell me what’s going on in that pretty little head of yours.”

You shook your head. Despite the heaving of your chest, and your body still sensing something wrong, you repeated; “I’m fine.”

“I can hear your heartbeat pounding like a drum. You know I’m here for you when it comes to these things. I’m your mate, this,”-he motioned to you in his lap- “is what I’m here for.” He started running his fingers through your hair, coaxing you to tilt your face towards him again. “Let me be here for you. Not just physically, but emotionally too. I know there… are things you haven’t told me about where you came from.”

Your whole body stiffened at that. He hates you. He thinks you’re a liar. He’s going to leave you. “Hey, sweetheart, look at me,” his stern, concerned voice swam through the muffling of your thoughts. He gripped your chin and you realized while you were looking at him, you couldn’t see him. It was all so cloudy and distorted. Tears. You’re crying again, damnit. And you weren’t breathing. How long had you not been breathing? You could feel your face heat and the thump, thump, thump of your heart hammereing around in your skull.

“Deep breaths for me, baby. In and out,” Cassian’s voice sounded again. You attempted to gasp for air but all that did was release the wrack of sobs that you had been barely keeping contained. He squeezed your waist and rocked you back and forth. “It’s alright. Let it out. I’m here.” Your hand found his shirt again and you gripped it like your life depended on it. Tears fell onto his shoulders and before your other hand could scratch at your thigh, he took it and started to rub your knuckles with his thumb. He knew it would be bad, but he didn’t expect this bad. Guilt gnawed away at him. Some mate he was, leaving you alone in a time of need. You were having two panic attacks within hours of each other, no doubt draining your little body. “I’m not going anywhere, baby,” he choked out. “I won’t leave you again, I’m so sorry. So fucking sorry. I will stay here for as long as you need, okay? I’m not going anywhere.”

Cassian knew, with a heavy heart, that he had discovered the magic words. Your wailing sobs turned to soft, shuddering breaths and he felt you finally hold his hand in return as you came back to reality. “You know I would never leave you right, sweet girl,” he asked with a strained voice.

The silence that followed was deafening. Cassian released a shaking breath of his own. “Alright,” he croaked. Now that you could see his face again, you noticed the silver lining his eyes. You did this to him. You hurt his feelings. “I’m going to ask you a question, and I need you to be completely honest with me, baby. Can you do that for me?”

You gave him a small nod, the slight movement sent your head into another throbbing fit.

“Why would you think I’d leave you? Over one argument?”

Your eyes were still glazed over as you stared past him. “Because he’d always leave after. He was never sorry,” you whispered.

Cassian’s hold tightened around you on instinct. “Who?”

You took your bottom lip between your teeth before you spoke. “My dad. He used to hurt me, Cass, that’s- it’s why I’m like this,” you exasperated gesturing to yourself. You turned away from his glare to face the fire, stopping the scold right on his tongue. Fine. He could remind you not to talk about yourself like that later. “He killed my mom, I think. No one but him knows what happened that day, but I knew my mom. And I know him. I don't need Azriel to put the clues together for me. I was so young and scared when it happened I never questioned him to his face. But as I got older, I grew more defiant and he hated it. He’d say I was worse than my mother. But my mother would only let him when she had to protect me. I only had myself to protect, but it was useless. I couldn’t fly and I was so much smaller, so much weaker than him. I just- I just wanted it to end.”

Cassian swallowed thickly. “What do you mean you wanted it to end?”

“It was so stupid,” you huffed. “I thought, maybe if I pushed him far enough he just wouldn’t stop. He wouldn’t stop unt- until I didn’t have to live with him anymore. But my self-preservation kicked in at some point. I hit him with one of the dining chairs, and then I just started throwing everything in my reach at him until he collapsed.” Tears trickled down your face but they were slower, calmer than the ones from earlier. “I didn’t pause to check if he was still alive. I just ran. I ran out the back door and I didn’t stop until I could feel my body shutting down. I would hide. Sleep. Then start running again before dawn. It took me two weeks to get to Windhaven. I didn’t know where I was. I thought I was dead when those males started dragging me through the camp.”

Cassian was crying now. War General be damned, his mate had been through Hell, and she kept it to herself all this time. “Why didn’t you tell me,” he croaked. “We asked you what happened that day and- and you said-“ His jaw snapped shut. He should’ve known. Cauldron, some part of him had known. He may not be the Spymaster but your injuries had been severe. He had so easily believed some cruel, passing Illyrians had done that to you but it all made so much more sense now. Not just what happened to you that day, but the fear that kept you in a chokehold day in and day out. The constant anxiety, looking over your shoulder around every corner, eyes constantly roaming the room for threats.

“I didn’t tell you because, well, originally I just wasn’t ready. Then we found out we were mates and I felt all this pressure to be your equal and I was scared if you found out I wasn’t-“

“I’m going to stop you right there,” Cassian’s commanding tone cut through. “You are my equal. Sweetheart, you don’t ever need to step on a battlefield or wield a sword to be my equal. In fact, I’d prefer it if you never did,” he said with a wink. “But you are strong. You are so strong. What you survived with your dad, and crossing Illyria alone, takes strength. Strength that even some of the warriors in my legion don’t have.”

You looked at him through your wet lashes and he took the chance to wipe away your tears with his thumb. “I never thought of it like that,” you whispered.

Cassian shot you a crooked grin. “That’s what I’m here for.” He gave your forehead a tender kiss and you let your eyelids close as you felt the warmth of his lips seep into your skin. “Have you eaten yet?”

The feral growl that erupted from your stomach was answer enough, causing you to blush. Cassian chuckled as he stood with you in his arms, careful of your drooping wings, and walked towards the dining room. “We need to fix that don’t we?”

You nodded sheepishly. “Time got away from me a little bit.”

“It’s alright, sweet girl. We’ll get you fed and then in bed. I’m sure you’re exhausted,” he suggested, earning a nod from you.

As he sat down at the table with you in his lap again, the House immediately provided a spread of small chocolates, fruits, and bread across the table. A second later a pot and two tea cups appeared in front of you and Cassian. “Thank you, House,” you giggled. You still weren’t used to just how sentient the house was. It knew you couldn’t eat a proper meal after the day you had, and instead opted for your favorite, comforting snacks.

Cassian poured tea into the cups and handed yours to you. “My lady,” he grinned. You hadn’t realized how thirsty you were until the sweetness of the honey started to soothe the scratchiness in your throat from all the crying, and you finished the cup instantly. You blushed even more as Cassian refilled your cup with a smile. “Good thing the house makes the pot bottomless.”

“I still don’t understand how all that works. I don’t have any magic so maybe I’m just stu-“ Cassian plopped a piece of chocolate into your mouth with a glare, hazel eyes blazing with determination.

“Do not,” the cold ferocity in his voice left no room for argument, “finish that sentence.” He clenched his jaw as his eyes bore into yours. He felt your body trembling slightly, cursed the cauldron internally, and cupped your cheek, brushing his thumb back and forth along your cheekbone. “You can’t talk about yourself like that, baby. You can’t. I love you. You understand? I love you, and it pains me to hear you say those things about yourself. I can’t even imagine what goes on in your head. I know it’s what you’re used to, it was all you had, and your damned father is to blame for it, but it’s not like that anymore. He can’t hurt you here, and I’ll kill the bastard myself if I ever see him, but you’re safe. You’re safe here with me, in our home, in my arms. You don’t have to go through this alone anymore, sweetheart. And I will spend the rest of our lifetime replacing every harsh word you say about yourself if that’s what it takes to prove you are worthy of my love and I will never leave you.”

You threw your arms around him and nuzzled into his neck. “I love you too, Cass. Thank you. I love you-“ your voice cracked as the raw emotion took over your chest. Cauldron, you loved him. How does he always know what you need to hear? He had learned a thing or two from the Spymaster, no doubt.

“Shhh. I got you,” he said as he tightened the arm around your waist and cradled your head with the other. “I love you so much.” He kissed the side of your head. “I’m so sorry about today. Let’s never fight again, agreed,” he asked with a chuckle.

You smiled as you inhaled his scent of snow, sandalwood, and burning fires. Safe. You were safe here, with your mate. In his arms where you always belonged. “Agreed.”

[megameatymatt]

TW !! can you do matt comforting reader after her panic attack ? 🎀

Overwhelmed - Matt Sturniolo

TW!: fighting, crying, swearing, panic attack, angst, fluff

A/N: feedback and requests are appreciated!

You walk into your apartment, kicking off your shoes and plopping onto your bed, tears forming in your eyes. You pick up your phone to call Matt, no answer. You try again, no answer. This usually wouldn't have bothered you, but you and Matt had planned this night together days prior. The both of you have been so busy and stressed you haven’t had time to see each other. You were on the verge of tears the entire day. The only thing that got you through it was knowing you would get to curl up in Matt’s arms. He made you feel safe

You try texting him, asking when he's gonna be here

*read at 10:35pm*

You feel your heartache. “Is he mad?”, “Maybe he’s just busy”, “what did I do?” You start to overthink, thoughts filling up to the brink of your mind.

 You didn't want to let this bother you, maybe he's filming. You stumble onto your feet and into the bathroom. You look in the mirror, and puffy red eyes stare back at you. You let out a deep sigh before soaking in a hot bath and then putting on your pyjamas. As you walk into your living room, you hear a familiar knock at the door. Your eyes light up and you rush over to unlock it. “Matt!” you squeal, leaping into his arms. 

He smiles looking down at you, You lift your head off his chest to look at him “Why the fuck did you leave me on read?” you say faking an angry tone. “I was busy,” he says, brushing past you to take off his shoes. You furrow your eyebrows and walk into the kitchen locking the door behind you.

“You didn’t bring any snacks? You always bring snacks on movie night...” you tell him, a little disappointed “ God, Y/N. When did you become such a big fucking baby? Always whining about everything” His words spill out his mouth laced with anger.

 It feels like you’ve been stabbed in your stomach. The last thing you needed today was someone yelling at you, and out of everyone, it had to be the person you loved the most.

“I'm sorry Matt, I-” you start trembling, your vision blurry “Now you’re fucking crying, oh my gosh Y/N. Grow the fuck up, not everything's gonna go- ” He stops.

he watches you grip the counter, hands shaking, tears streaming down your face. He immediately walks over to you, getting you to sit on the floor as he holds you in his arms. 

You can’t even explain what’s happening. Your head is spinning, you can barely breathe, and your hands are shaky and sweaty. You're so overwhelmed by all the emotion you're feeling, you're convinced you're gonna pass out. Then you hear Matt’s voice. “Hey baby, look at me, listen to me” Somehow, your eyes manage to find his. 

This has happened before but never this bad, this was new.  “Breathe for me. In and out, slowly okay?” He breathes in and out with you, holding your hand the entire time. You take many shaky breaths letting out a sob between each one, before slowly calming down. You look away from him, feeling slightly embarrassed. “Hey, are you okay baby? You alright now?” He says running his fingers through your hair as you lay in his lap. “I'm fine Matt,” you say, letting go of his hand. He quickly takes your hand back, holding it tighter. 

“I’m so fucking sorry Y/N. I didn’t mean any of it, you know that. I would never say that to you I'm such a fucking idiot.” You stare at him, his eyes glistening. “You didn’t deserve that, I've just been so stressed and tired lately. But I know you’ve been hurting too. I shouldn’t have let my emotions get a hold of me like that.” He’s crying now, tears staining his cheeks. “I love you Y/N, I hope you know that”. You smile, moving the hair from his face. “I love you too Matt. I'm sorry for stressing you out like that, it was wrong”He kisses your forehead before lifting you up and dropping you on the couch, peppering your face with more kisses. You squeal with joy and he laughs before sitting beside you and taking out his phone. “Pick a movie, I'll order some pizza,” he says, handing you the TV remote. You take it and snuggle up next to him. “I'm still mad about the snacks”  He rolls his eyes and laughs. You feel warmth grow in your cheeks, your head no longer pounding. You're not stressed, angry, or overwhelmed with Matt by your side.

[ahhhwomen]

Nothing really matters.

Vampire Empire

Part 3

Pairing: DarkVamp!Wanda Maximoff x DarkVamp!Natasha Romanoff x Fem!Reader

A/N: Well this was depressing to write... Anyways, enjoy!

Disclaimer: English is not my first language. All mistakes are my own.

AU Warnings: Human pets, abuse, violence, possessiveness, probably incorrect vampire lore, angst, panic attacks, hurt/comfort, kitten play (?), also this is not a Carol positive fic (I have nothing against her, but I needed a villain), death  Minors DNI 18+

Summary: You feel numb, what does it matter anymore?

Word Count: 2.1k

Taglist: @thinking1bee

The next time either of them sees you is in one of Natasha’s business meetings a few weeks later.

Back in Carol’s possession, you kneel in the corner of the conference room while Carol raises her voice at anyone with a slight attitude toward her idiotic ideas.

After half an hour, the constant bickering between the blond woman and Natasha’s respective staff members had become background noise.

There is a crinkling of paper as Natasha scuffles her documents around for a moment while deep in thought. The paper is smooth and high quality, her golden rings glide against the white surface, and she traces black lines of information she can recite in her sleep.

To Natasha’s surprise, you had seemed indifferent to her presence, you didn’t even glance at her once during the introduction to today’s meeting.

Following the same line back and forth, the ink smudges and blurs after the seventh round of Natasha's thumb gliding gently on top of the unimportant details.

She had to give credit where credit was due. You were poised and unbothered.

She could not say the same for herself, however.

Ever since she could smell you getting in the elevator with blondie, she kept glancing toward the door, waiting for your arrival. And now, she continuously spares a glance in your direction when she thinks someone talks too loudly or expresses themselves with broad gestures.

It doesn't take long for her to understand you a little better.

Carol changes you.

Your eyes are cast downward, and you hold your head low in a display of obedience. You are sitting on your heels with your hands just out in front of your knees. Your back is strung tight to form a perfect line and the muzzle is only for show. But whereas your posture and attitude would be considered perfection, your eyes are empty.

Natasha’s chair creaks and groans as she rocks back and forth, the leather cushion softens the knockback as her leg bounces against the flooring, unfitting of her usual characteristics, she can’t seem to keep her calm and collected demeanor.

Small tears and wrinkles form, as Natasha tightens her hands against some case report she wrote half-heartedly before bed the previous night. She inhales sharply, her nostrils flaring.

You are still covered in bruises.

They are healing, and so are the once red and angry lines, they are now pinker and more muted. But it’s clear some of them were fresher, it had been close to a month since she had seen you last, yet the color of some were as fresh as a daisy.

Specifically, your face seemed to have been put through the gutter.

Though it was clear that whatever transpired that day hadn’t been repeated, she could still sense in you that Carol wasn’t very light-handed.

She tells herself it is because she pities you for having to go through the blonde’s rage, but there is also something about the two small puncture wounds on your neck that aggravates her.

Her fingers drum against the table in annoyance while she thinks it over, her nails clicking against the resin top of her newly polished conference table.

Pinching the skin between her eyebrows she sighs loudly. Enough so, that the man currently presenting stutters and has to loosen his tie before continuing with a slight tremor to his hands.

She can’t figure it out.

She huffs and readjusts her posture to show she is listening.

Never mind, the little mystery you are, she has business to attend to. With one last glance, she emerges herself back in the matter at hand and makes sure to fix Carol with a hard glare whenever something becomes too heated.

You are sitting on an old wooden bench in the garden.

The flowers bloom around you and rustle in the fresh, spring, wind. If you close your eyes, you can almost smell the rosebush across the tiny plot of land. The birds sing in a tune you are not familiar with, but it’s nice. Lilies hug your legs, all colorful and fresh, there are tiny little droplets atop their pedals, it must have rained before you got out here.

That would explain the chill that settles deep in your spine.

There are dogs around, you hear them bark and growl at each other on the other side of the fence, but you don’t mind.

Because you are in the garden. With a fence between you and them.

Until one of them jumps the fence.

You have been staring at the ground with a slight tremor lacing your every move for the better part of an hour. She seems like a calm dog, but she’s big, bigger than you, and there is this presence to her that you don’t know what to do with.

She smells like the flowers around you, maybe that’s why you don’t flee. No matter how much you want to, you are frozen in your seat as the big hound stares at you.

She licks her snout and blinks slowly while you sit there. It feels like she is mocking you, almost as if daring you to move.

The wind picks up every now and then, the howling of the other dogs growing louder and more concerning, but the big dog doesn’t bat an eye. She growls deeply, but you can tell it isn’t directed at you, and then the other dog’s calm.

Maybe she is a nice dog, but it doesn’t matter.

A dog is a dog.

The fence opens with a piercing screech. Even as you close your eyes in hope, the big dog does nothing. She doesn’t run away, but she doesn’t help either.

She just watches as Master drags you away. You don’t know why you thought she would do anything else.

Master is right.

Master is always right.

No one will help.

You don’t deserve it.

When the meeting commends, Carol drags you out of the room quickly, she has other matters to settle tonight, and she can’t be bothered to stay here too long.

Your knuckles rasp against the expensive flooring of Mrs. Romanoff´s office. The tasteful tree-work makes your bones ache, and your tag jingles repeatedly as bone connects with fifty thousand dollars worth of Brazilian rosewood. The blond woman tugs at your leash impatiently.

“Carol. Wait a moment.”

Please don’t.

Master halted her movements just before she passed through the elevator´s door, effectively also halting yours.

“There is some paperwork James wants you to finish up before you leave.”

Natasha waves her hand around with a roll of her eyes, showcasing false annoyance she knows the blond will eat right up, “Something about an unsettled bank record?” The redhead squints in the blonde’s direction, displeasure hidden not so greatly on the CEO’s face.

Natasha has to work extremely hard to not showcase how disgusting she finds the woman in front of her to be.

The woman beside you tenses up. She bunches her eyebrows and sighs before nodding slowly and releasing the tight clutch on your leash.

A pointed finger comes into view as Carol shifts her body towards you and tilts her head downward to face you. “Stay here.” Her voice leaves no room for arguing, it’s a clear command, you know she only does it to showcase her power over you. You couldn’t talk back even if you wanted to, the clinic made sure of that long before you even knew Masters hard angles.

Nonetheless, you bow your head and place your rump back onto the cruel flooring, somehow it feels even stiffer than the concrete inside your familiar slammer.

There is a long and rather awkward silence before Miss Romanoff clears her throat and breaks the stillness.

“Are you in pain?” Natasha gestures towards her own face as if you need a hint to understand what she means.

Just a few months ago, Romanoff acknowledging you in the slightest would send you through a rollercoaster of fear and wonder. Now you merely play dumb and tilt your head in confusion.

Of course, it hurts.

That was the point, wasn’t it?

“You smell different.” Carol scrutinizes you from afar.

If it weren’t for the years of experience you have with this sort of thing you would give yourself away immediately by tensing up and begging for her mercy, instead, you remain impassive.

The blond woman studies you carefully, waiting for any telltale that you heard her.

It’s easier than you thought.

Maybe it’s from the emotional drainage these days have been, but you barely feel anything as Carol looks you over. No matter how much she has hurt you, her eyes hold nothing compared to the power that the Maximoff clan’s leader has in hers.

You can hear the familiar crunch of rough concrete beneath a heavy army boot.

Master moves closer, but still, you feel nothing.

It’s been three days since that day. The first night you sobbed your sorrows, your pain, your fear, everything that has been building up and suppressed throughout the years all expressed in a puddle of tears and blood.

You don’t know what the women wanted, but something about them had made ancient wounds reopen, and the floodgates that followed were inevitable.

You don’t even remember falling asleep, you find it more likely that you passed out from dehydration or exhaustion.

The other days had passed in a blur.

It’s like you have been stuck in a trance where nothing really matters anymore.

Then the smashing of keys came back, and still, you were inconsolable. You didn’t even acknowledge her when she ran her hands over your bare body. Didn’t blink as her hands took a threatening hold of your collar.

She was testing this new side of yours; you could tell it angered her that she didn’t affect you.

You ruined her little power trip of the day.

She grips the back of your neck and forces you to face her. “Look at me when I am talking to you!” Spit sprays on your face as she talks through gritted teeth.

You don’t care, you just stare at her through hooded eyes, looking but not seeing.

Her hand connected hard with your face; you could feel the vibration inside your skull. And yet, all you could think about were them.

The feeling of concrete pouring through your veins wasn’t so scary anymore.

*slap*

You wonder what would happen if she went all the way…

*slap*

Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad if they killed you.

*slap*

“LOOK AT ME!” Carol screams into your ear, but it is fuzzy and unintelligible to you.

*slap*

“CAN’T YOU TELL I AM TALKING TO YOU, YOU STUPID BITCH!?”

*slap*

“Look at me?” Her hand strokes your chin lightly, but you know her…

*slap*

*slap*

Your head bounces against the pavement.

*slap*

Your vision becomes blurry and unfocused.

She hit you a total of twenty-four more times, before finally relenting and stomping away.

From that day forward you decided to play into it, pretend like what took place with the powerful women never happened to begin with. You were sure it would anger them.

If this is what Carol does when you ruin her little high.

Maybe, they will return and finish what they started if you ruin theirs.

Natasha scratches the nape of her neck as you sit there staring into nothingness. Your brows are slightly raised, and your eyes are wide, to Natasha, it seems like you are in a completely different world.

She leans against the wall, her shoulder squishing against the glass panel, and she crosses one leg over the other. Relying solely on her right leg to hold her up, she looks down at her dress shoes.

Her question was stupid, she knew as much, but what else was she supposed to say?

She wanted to talk to you.

Nat knows she should just leave you be and return back to her office, but when you were being led out of the room earlier your eyes had connected with her, it was a mere millisecond. But in that moment Natasha had felt a chill run down her spine.

Something was definitely wrong.

However, she didn’t expect you to completely shut down after just one simple question.

You are unresponsive to any stimuli while you sit in the hallway with Natasha’s presence close by. The older redhead tries to tap her foot or grunt obnoxiously, just to get a response, but nothing.

It’s not until you can hear Carol’s heavy footsteps that you quicken up and bow your head down.

Carol nods in Natasha’s direction before she passes her and collects you. Her gruff hands slide up and down the expanses of your leash until she finds the position that will yield her the most amount of control over your movements.

If the circumstances were different, Natasha would kill Carol on the spot.

Yet, as Carol takes ahold of your leash and steers you both into the elevator, Natasha lets you go.

Convincing herself it’s for the better. Again.

[wonderlandwalker]

Proven Wrong | Finnick Odair x Reader

THG Masterlist / Taglist / Inbox

Summary: Finnick broke things off with you, but everything changes when he gets jealous

Content Warnings/Tags: Smut, mdni, porn with very little plot, jealousy, did not proofread, not even once

Word Count: 1.4k

A/N: There's a fifty-fifty chance this is horrible and my sleep-deprived brain is gaslighting me into thinking I need to post it but I guess there's just one way to find out. This is my first time writing Finnick smut and it's not what I used to but I'm also not mad at it, so enjoy this ( hopefully ) while I go have a panic attack in the corner second time today xx

You could see him looking at you, the way he trailed his eyes down the exposed skin your dress graced his eyes with. Wherever you went you could feel his presence burning from behind you. But you knew better than to give into it, because Finnick had made it clear you couldn't be together. Ever since you had returned from your games there had been a spark between you that you had wanted to feed, you wanted to give it oxygen to see how big it would get. But Finnick didn't want to feed the flame, because he was scared it would burn him down. And so you both went your ways, but you couldn't avoid each other.

Every capitol event and each hunger games you would see each other, you would see him looking at you with that longing in his eyes that made you wonder if this was really what he had wanted. But you didn't dare question it, because you had tried before, and all it had led to was a waste of energy. No, you wouldn't fall for that again. 

And you hadn't been doing it intentionally, you hadn't even noticed at first when Gloss got a little closer than usual or when his hand made its way to your waist. To be honest, you were quite enjoying yourself, and you had given up on the idea Finnick would turn around.

So when you did notice, you let him. You let Gloss whisper into your ear and you laughed at the silly joke he had made, and you weren't even sure if you were actually enjoying his attention or the attention in general.

But you didn't have much time to wonder before you were interrupted. A hand placed on your shoulder and a quick ‘can I borrow her for a second’ and you were being dragged into the hallway close by. If it hadn't been for the fact you recognized him from the smallest actions you would have been startled, but you could never be startled around him.

“What do you think you are doing” He sounded bitter, and maybe, just maybe you were glad you could get to him the way he would get to you.

“I'm having fun, what are you doing” 

“You know that's not what I mean, what are you doing with him” He had you cornered between himself and the wall, and he was so close that you could feel his heart beating in sync with yours, but after all this time you had spent trying to get over him, you weren't one to give in easy.

“You don’t get to tell me what to do anymore Finnick.”

The moment you told him you could see a flash of hurt pass his eyes, if you didn't know any better you would have sworn he looked like he regretted something.

But you pushed past the thought, and you pushed yourself free from him, going back outside to rejoin the party. As the night went on you kept looking at him, you kept looking and every time you did, his eyes would already be on you. He was watching you as if he hadn't told you he didn't want to be with you. 

In the beginning, it had been blissful, but it hadn't taken long for your relationship with Finnick to turn complicated, and in the end, it had broken like a glass that's been pushed towards the edge too many times, finally slipping off.

But when you excuse yourself a little while later and walk inside to get a moment of peace from the crowd outside, you meet him again. This time though, he doesn't even greet you, he’s immediately grabbing your arm and urging you to follow him up the staircase. You enter the first room you find and the moment he shuts the door behind you he’s on you as if it's his last chance to do so. He pushes you up against the door and grabs your legs, pleading with you to wrap them around him as his lips crash into yours. For a moment you want to let him, you want to bask in this euphoria of feeling him against you, but you have to remind yourself it will only be worse in the end.

“Finnick you need to stop.” You were trying to sound convincing, really, you were, but the way his fingers are roaming your skin makes you sink into him, and your voice sounds more like a plea. 

He’s moved his attention to your jaw, to your neck, and when he meets your pulse point you throw your head back against the door, but he still knows you, and before you can hurt yourself on it he’s bracing you with his other hand against the back of your head.

“Careful now, wouldn't want you to get hurt.” It’s ironic, you think, the way in which he seems to care so much all of a sudden when he didn't seem to care all this time before. But you still don't stop him, you don't stop him as he walks you over to the empty bed and you wouldn't dream of stopping him as he drops you down on it, hovering over you. His hands are everywhere and it feels as if he’s showing your skin an entire new kind of pleasure. His hands trail lower until he hikes up your dress and leans down to kiss a path up your thighs as if he’s following a map that will lead him to hidden treasure. 

If it had been anyone else, you would have felt ashamed, you would have cowered away at how quickly he was getting to you. You’re leaning into his touch and when you moan out his name, he says.

“I bet Gloss doesn’t make you feel as good as I can, does he?”

And you wouldn't know, because tonight had been the first time you really noticed him, but it brought out something in Finnick you’ve been trying to get for ages, and you're not about to tell him just yet.

“I thought you said we weren't together.” You want to see how far you can take this, because it’s not often you hold the upper hand. A dark look flashes through his eyes as you look at him and he doesn't say anything just yet, but he’s doubling his efforts as he gets closer to your core, and the moment he makes contact with your clit through your underwear, the moment you arch your back and moan his name again as he feels how wet you are for him, he regains the control.

“And I thought you said you were a good girl, guess we were both wrong.” He looks up again from where he had settled between your legs, and the hypnotizing effect he has on you makes you sink into the mattress as he gets back to his mission. His mouth is on you as if he’s been starving for months and you are the only thing that will salvage his hunger, your legs are tingling and he has to use his arm to keep you down. Before you know it he’s using his fingers and you swear you don’t care anymore what happens after this, whether he’ll leave you alone or not because right now, all you can think of is the way it all feels. You can feel his fingers curling inside you as he whispers praises to you, you can feel how close you are from the way your insides twist at his words, and you can feel the flood of relief as he tells you to let go, and you do. 

You’re breathing is still heavy as you feel the mattress dip beside you and when you open your eyes you see him looking at you.

“I’ve missed you.” He sounds like he’s trying to apologize, and in a way he is. Because he’s sorry for all the time he’s wasted and he’s sorry it took him this long to realize.

“I’ve missed you too Fin.” His eyes melt a little at the nickname, and he leans in to kiss you again. It’s much softer this time, and you just know it’s all going to be okay.

[corollaservant]

False Alarm // Kenjaku x f!reader (18+)

Synopsis: He never smoked. But then again, he lost himself along the way.

Warnings: noncon, smoking, signs of panic attack, degradation, violence, deception, humiliation... Kenny stuff.

A/N: don't hate me, Kenny is the perf man for dark concepts.

The last time you saw him was in 2007. He seemed sedated for some time, looking like he woke up and slept—if he ever slept—out of necessity, his lips on yours felt foreign and a burden would always accompany him. You hadn’t ever asked, what would you even say “Hey, is everything alright?’’ and what was he supposed to answer? ‘’Yes, everything’s fine’’. Not like it’d be the truth anyways. The last night you saw him was in 2007.

It was around 3 AM when he entered the bedroom, smoke filled the room as you looked at him. He never smoked, apart from some earlier mischief with his best friend as he sat next to you.

‘’Have you been smoking?’’ You quietly asked him as he sighed.

‘’Yes, had to give Shoko my lighter today and figured I might as well have one myself’’

He spoke so calmly, like everything was alright, like everything was like before.

The next day you woke up in an empty bed with a lighter to your nightstand. There was no letter or note as he exited your life and never came back.

-

It wasn’t like you didn’t know. He never intended to hide his actions, never once tried to stay undercover, intentions loud and clear and if you weren’t to find out from newspapers and various media outlets covering the crimes, a visit from his best friend would suffice. You hadn’t reacted much really, usually pain hit when you least expected it—not when Gojo would list you the heinous crimes but when you were in the snack aisle holding your groceries and saw his favorite crackers, silly things really. Ache was a funny thing.

10 years went by and your routine had not once diverted, home–work–home. Most of your friends stopped contacting you for a night out, seeing how you’d decline each and every time and you didn’t really blame them. They most likely wouldn’t understand. The door was unlocked when you entered the apartment floor and your heart sank. A domestic burglary was the last thing you wanted, shit, you didn’t even care about any belongings, his lighter was always with you and there were no prized possessions in the once shared apartment. But you were exhausted.

A figure stood facing the window next to the bed, wearing what seemed like a kimono over a robe that people 2500 years ago wore and sandals—enjoying a cigarette as you froze.

‘’W–what are you doing here?’’ You asked, stupid, yeah, who asks that? But fear stricken as you were and ready to dial the emergency number—your heart suddenly skipped a beat.

The figure had his hair, what was going on?

‘’Did you miss me?’’ A soft honeyed voice that made your skin crawl said as Suguru turned to look at you. Your eyes widened and you backtracked, colliding with the wall behind you as you dropped the bag you were holding and screamed. Loud.

‘’Who the fuck are you?’’ You yelled as you saw a line of stitches sloppily circle around what used to be your lover’s forehead. He had his hooded eyes and smile but you knew better. Whoever this freak was could never imitate the laced with care and love words that escaped Suguru’s mouth. Before he left. Before—

‘’What the hell did you do to him?’’ The more you talked, the more a sardonic smile crept up his mouth, deforming what used to be the prettiest smile in the world.

‘’I wouldn’t call if I were you’.’ He inhaled the last puff and tossed the cigarette mindlessly out the window, as he approached you.

Your hands were frozen, you wouldn’t have been able to dial anyone either way, when he spoke again.

‘’Funny thing, the memories, aren’t they? I had this feeling today you know..’’

‘’Where is he?’’ You cried, as he sighed.

‘’Please don’t interrupt me, he’s dead, what do you mean 'where is he'? As I was saying..’’

His words made your knees sting, as you fell to the floor, choking on a cry—it wasn’t like you hadn't made a decent effort to register his death, but the spitting image ahead of you felt like you were atoning for sins you never committed. It was too much, too painful, too sadistic.

‘’I had this, let's call it...instinct to smoke today and visit you. Matter of fact, my feet dragged me all the way here so I was curious to see what the..fuss was all about.’’ He spoke eyeing you up at 'fuss'. You didn’t understand a thing but wished for whatever this was to end as you closed your eyes. Please! You silently heard yourself say. Or maybe you didn't speak a word.

‘’Yeah, I kind of get it now...you look nice after all. Do you smoke?’’ He asked, bringing himself even closer, the apartment was small and he had you touching the wall, the shadow of his Kasaya casting a dark light in front of you.

‘’I- I don’t smoke,’’ ‘’P–please leave..’’ His eyes, these eyes that used to make love to you, hug you and gently wash your hair, bring you tea in the morning, wrap around your waist..

‘’Oh, that’s too bad.’’ He spoke as if he contemplated, smirking to himself once he noticed your bowed head.

‘’Mind looking up?’’ He came even closer, so close you could feel him on you—he didn’t really wait to bring his finger, a cold sensation against your chin and lift it to look at him.

‘’Be honest. Isn’t this my best work?’’ He moved the face left and right, showing you horrible—pretty angles of your old boyfriend. Your eyes quivered, tears fell down your cheeks, down your chin, down the floor. A bile formed at the back of your throat.

‘’Would you kiss me?’’ He asked rhetorically, it wasn’t like he cared about your opinion, it was more as if he was asking himself, experimenting with a predetermined outcome as you sniffed and felt a strong hand travel down your neck, pinning you to the wall. No! Stop asking questions! Leave!

‘’Well...it doesn’t matter really, cause you will now.’’ He said as his mouth touched yours. Soft lips. Same feeling. Memories. Your lips parted to cry and he squeezed the sides of your neck, blocking the air and sliding his tongue in your mouth.

This wasn’t Suguru and you weren’t supposed to be kissing him. This wasn’t his hair, his mouth, his eyes albeit your heart racing and a known sensation flooding your chest. His breath was hot as he growled and you squirmed, tears soaking him.

‘’S-stop..’’ You whined, thinking back to all the times you thought Suguru leaving you, abandoning you was the worst thing that could’ve happened to you. This couldn’t even be compared.

‘’P–please! I-I will not tell anyone, I—will do whatever you want—just—’’

‘’Then be silent cause you will be doing what I want regardless.’’ He smiled, the same sinister smile and you started breathing heavily, shit, this wasn’t good, this always signaled a panic attack. You had these more frequently than before. Ever since he left. You started sweating, feeling chills, particularly in your arms and like you'd die from asphyxiation, the more you failed to inhale properly. Don't think—breathe—don't think you can't breathe—don't—

Two strong arms cupped your face and turned it upwards.

‘’Shh..hey..hey..darling, I’m right here.’’ The idol of the man you used to love gently whispered as you looked in the dead eyes in front of you. The voice honeyed and soft as the words he purred soothed you and you closed your eyes.

‘’Come here.’’ He said and brought your body close to his, embracing your trembling limbs as you exhaled—you could at least breathe through your nose again, an unfamiliar cologne in your face.

‘’Good.’’ He said as he took a deep breath.

His arms felt good.

‘’Now let’s continue.’’

-

A finger was brought up against your entrance as the intruder’s body hovered above you. You were moved (thrown) to the bed, begging in silent whispers for him to leave, but to no avail. He was kissing you with his tongue—leaving a saliva string each time you opened your mouth to protest, beg, promise to do anything except this but he’d had enough, he loved a good Shakespearean act, but pretending to be him to calm you down just so he could fuck you had wasted a lot of his time. The play needed a climax.

He caressed your core through your panties, your dress was lifted up as he slid them to the side, trailing two fingers against the folds. You had been fighting for your body not to betray you, fighting for your eyes to not involuntarily close each time his disgusting mouth kissed you. Whenever you closed them, you thought of him, the mouth felt all too familiar and you couldn't help it. Fluids smudged the fabric and fell down his fingers as he smirked.

‘’Such a good girl, no need for me to help a lot here I see.’’ His wicked grin caused you to let out a scream, maybe if you cried for help someone would listen, someone could save—

A slap took the breath out of your lungs, vicious and hard as your cheek burned from the pain.

‘’Be quiet, pretty, I don’t have all day.’’ He said toying your cunt and pushing his fingers inside you as you tried your best not to moan.

‘’Please! ugh—Stop!’’ You wailed but there was no remorse (or halt) in his movements—squelching sounds from the contact almost covered up the noise you made.

‘’So..so filthy and wet, fuck, what would your boyfriend say seeing you soaking someone else’s hand, huh? Disgusting..’’ He spoke with disdain as you cried and tried to not feel the guilty pleasure that took over your core.

‘’I think we’re good now, don’t you?’’ He said as he got off you, your eyes trying to look around for exits while trying to have him within your peripherals.

You could escape, you could leave, right?

The moment your body dared to stand up while he was taking off his kimono, you were thrown back to bed, head crashing against the steel of the bed frame—the pain was accute and you winced, your eyesight left for a second.

Yet, he continued.

‘’Don’t be that dumb, please.’’ He sighed as his cock was brought out, stiff and long, sitting upright on his abdomen. A revolting sight but his body reminiscent of Suguru’s made your heart flutter.

The paranoia of the predicament messed you up, it felt like a torture, a dichotomy between love and hate, you wanted to spit on him, kick him and escape, hell, you wanted to slash his throat but each time your gaze was brought to his sinister stitches, the reminiscent features made you ache, sob and long for the all too familiar face.

‘’Get off m–me, please.’’ You begged and begged as he parted your legs and brushed his slit against your cunt, tapping it on the tiny nub when a moan escaped your lips—embarrassed, you brought your hands to your mouth.

‘’Stop!’’ You pleaded, the feeling there not aligning with the disgust in your mind but he continued.

‘’I love it when you beg, you look prettier.’’ He softly whispered as his cockhead thrusted swiftly in your cunt, hard enough to make your body hurt in more parts. You hadn't been fucked in a while, it wasn't worth it after him.

The sensation was overwhelming—his weight fell on you, cock stayed within your walls for a couple of seconds before he grabbed your hands to get them off your mouth. Your head was banging against the frame, as whichever sobs fell from your lips were pitifully covered by your hands.

‘’Now, you don’t wanna be silent, do ya? This is the best part!’’ His eyes gleamed as his cock slid in and out of you fast and he groaned.

‘’Fuck, I can see why he loved you so much, taking me as if we're meant to be...’’ He hummed as you closed your eyes, trying to ignore the stinging pain, not in your core anymore but your chest.

‘’I want to hear you, come on girl, moan for me..agh—I know you want it.’’ His ruts became harder and sloppier, as you let out a loud moan—teardrops spilled from your eyelids onto the sheets as he tilted his hips into you, it was too much.

‘’P-please! Please!’’ You begged, still hoping for an end and he continued, a finger found your swollen clit and rubbed around it in circular motions, you jerked but his pace never faltered, fuck, it wasn't right, your cunt squeezed him in, clenching tightly around him.

‘’Shit, little slut’s enjoying herself?’’ He hissed and you cried.

‘’S—Suguru.. s—stop, please agh- I - love you.’’ You called out your favorite name and he laughed. There was no other way to save yourself.

‘’Stop calling for your dead man stupid, he’s not coming back..’’ He sounded like he lectured you, thrusting upwards and groping your chest as you withered under him, what felt like an orgasm slowly threatening to exit your tormented body. Your head hurt and your throat felt sore as you now only used broken syllables for help.

‘’S-st— I–I-ugh–..’’ Your cunt spasmed.

‘’Come on this cock– shit, be a good slut for your boyfriend, sweetheart, can you do it for Suguru?’’ He groaned, feeling himself close—the sight of your hands trying to throw him off aroused him even more, such a cute little thing you were, he didn’t wonder now why he liked you so much.

‘’S-suguru!’’ was all you said as you came undone, squeezing your eyes shut and biting your lip till you tasted metal. He continued; his predatory eyes made him look disfigured, melted even, reminding you of ice cream dripping down a cone.

‘’So filthy doll, he'd– agh.. be so proud..’’ He grunted and you felt a palm grab your neck and choke you with a firm grip, so not to moan or cry anymore. He came—looking in your eyes filled with terror shooting his cum deep within your walls as he praised you further. The foreign sensation stirred your insides.

You felt nothing; except maybe his cock soften and palm removed from your throat, allowing air back in your lungs. He got up.

He grabbed a cigarette pack from a tailored pocket in his kimono and moved to the window while you were left in a puddle of bodily fluids, trembling and tasting what must've been blood down your face.

‘’W—why...why did you come?’’ You brokenly managed, as he turned around.

It wasn't fair! It wasn't fair, it wasn't—

‘’I felt like having a smoke.’’ Cool and collected. Like Suguru. His face despite the wickedness looked serene, eyes crinkled similarly to his. He offered a smile.

‘’Could I have my lighter now, please?’’

[sameschmidtdiffname]

Hey I love your work so much!!

I was thinking of maybe a Mike Schmidt x reader where the reader is all like “I’m not good enough for you, I don’t deserve you” stuff and then like Mike makes it up to the reader to show them that they are more than enough 🫶

Sure, but it's gonna hurt!

Blue Sunrise

Mike Schmidt x Gender Neutral! Reader

Summery: All is well, yet you aren't. A fact that disturbs and irritates you so, even if it shouldn't.

Tags: No use of Y/N, no use of gendered pronouns for Reader, SFW with brief mentions of smut, pre-established relationship, set during the movie but that's honestly not very relevant, hurt/comfort, Reader and Mike both have PTSD, this isn't projection, bed rotting, depression, self-loathing, night terrors/nightmares, panic attacks, sleep deprivation, mentions of medication, lack of self care, slight self-harm (scratching), breakdown, nosebleed.

Notes: *in sonic snapcube dub voice* heyyyyyyyyyyyy what's upppppppppppppp it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee (STOP!!)

                     ▪︎◇{¤♧■♧¤}◇▪︎

6:34 A.M.

The dawn is gentle, the sky a soft blue behind the thin, cheap blinds that cover the bedroom window not that far in front of me. If I wanted, I could get up and open the window, revealing the surely beautiful and gorgeous sunrise that waits for me just outside the blinds.

But I don't. And I won't.

Birds sing gently outside, waking up and fliting about here and there. It's my favorite part of the day, quite frankly. When I can, I open the window to allow in the fresh, cool air, moist with the morning dew, unmuffling the bird's songs as I drift off to sleep, my schedule mostly in tune with Mike's for his night shift. Sometimes I manage to stay awake to greet him when he returns home. It's always nice when I do. His smile is lazy, his strides long and slow as he makes his way to the bed, peeling off his work clothes and crawling under the covers with me. Sometimes he'll press himself against me, his lips finding my neck as his hand dives between my thighs, his fingers trained on one goal as he murmurs against my skin how much he's missed me. Sometimes I wake to this.

There's a part of me that wishes he'd do this today just so I wouldn't have to think.

The lock on the front door rattles as someone attempts to insert a key into the hole. It doesn't matter how long he's lived here or how he uses those keys every morning, he still takes a moment to make sure he's using the right one, and on the first try he usually isn't. So it takes him a solid minute to unlock the door and enter the house. If we had dogs, they'd surely drive us insane from his routine. It slightly drives me insane already. But I'm technically not even supposed to be awake, so I never mention it.

When Mike finally enters the house, the first thing I hear after the satisfying break of the doors seal ringing throughout the living room is a deep sigh as Mike's backpack lands in front of the coat rack. He should be quieter about setting it down. I would be. But I think he assumes we should be so deep in sleep it really wouldn't matter, and it honestly doesn't make much noise. Just a slightly dull 'thud' against the thinly carpeted floor.

Next I can hear his car keys land in the bowl they're meant for. Again, he's a bit too loud with it all. At least, while people are sleeping. But it's not really a bother. In a way, I like it. It gives me a routine to memorize, his sounds before he'll trail to our room and come press himself against me.

The rocking recliner creeks softly as he sits in it, lazily undoing the laces on his boots before he tosses them towards the coat rack. And next he'll duck his head into the fridge I'm sure and look for the leftovers I put into a big bowl for him to warm up - which he won't, because he's a psychopath who likes cold food. - and then when my alarm goes off, he'll come to wake me up, rising from the old couch where he's very quietly reading his book while he eats and do whatever he has to do to prevent me from slipping back into sleep. He's very good at that job. Especially when he uses his tongue.

But today there's a break in the routine. Today, his footsteps are padding towards our room, the door quietly opening as he slips in. I can hear him let out a soft sigh as he tugs on his hoodie, pulling it off and then discarding of his jeans, which muffle the clack of his belt buckle as he slips them off. Left in his undershirt and boxers, he crosses the room to open the blinds and the window, letting in the fresh air and leaning against the thin windowstill for a moment. Now, I can see him.

He looks rested, a little more than he should for having just finished a night shift. I keep telling him he's going to get fired, but he always wiggles his way out of that conversation. The bags usually under his eyes aren't too deep this morning, which while problematic is relieving. His skin is pale blue from the dawns light that pours into the room. His dark curls are more thick on the top of his head, clumped together from him not brushing them after his shower. He must've used too much conditioner, because his hair also looks thicker than it usually does. The breeze blows his oversized pale blue shirt against his chest as he leans forward, allowing his eyes to close as he takes in a deep breath. It feels like an overly private moment. Like I've intruded by watching him. I don't see him like this much when he isn't alone. When he's with me or Abby, he's alert. Somewhat on guard. It's like he's watching us to make sure we're okay. He's too used to things falling apart in an instant. But when he's alone, physically or emotionally, the walls crumble away to reveal a man who enjoys peace. Who smiles softly as he bends down low, resting his chin upon his arms, letting the dawn greet him and being the supposed first in the house to greet the dawn. And I feel like a stalker for watching him. A scene that feels as if I've stolen what will now only exist deep in my mind for when I want to remember one of the few times he has truly ever looked at peace with the world. It's a scene out of a painting. As private as a prayer. I should grant him more privacy, but I don't. In a captivated and enchanted way, I can't.

I'd never tell him this, but in this moment he looks like his mother. And not in the sense of him being her son. No, based off of the few photos I've seen of her in more private, intimate instances, like when she was holding a very small Mike on her lap on his second birthday, or when Mike's father had stolen a photo during their honeymoon when she wasn't looking, Mike looks just like her. Quiet, serene, not hiding anything from anyone because there's no need. At this moment it is just him and the gentle, late winter breeze that makes my nose begin to sting. He's beautiful. Just like she was.

The moment comes to an end, and now it is just a moment that exists only within my mind as his eyes open. The blue dawn brings out the green in his eyes that's usually hidden by artificial light that overpowers the amber, turning them mostly black in some instances. That's the color I thought they were until I saw him in proper daylight. His long lashes bat once, twice in an almost sleepy manner as he shifts his focus, now turning his head to look at me. I shut my eyes quickly, my canines biting into my tongue to force myself to keep a straight face. But it's too late. We made eye contact, even if it was only for a second, and now he knows I'm awake.

"Sweetheart?" He whispers softly, his voice low and slightly gravelly in the way it always is. His 's' and 't's just a tad sharp, clear as always when he speaks. I hear the floor groan as he pads towards me.

I don't speak. I'm not supposed to be awake. I should be asleep, he would rather I was asleep. I tried to be asleep.

He stops in front of me, I can hear the floor groan louder as he crouches in front of me. He's trying to decide if I'm awake or not, if maybe he'd been tricked into thinking we made eye contact. But something convinces him he hasn't, and the bed sinks as he places a hand upon the mattress to support his weight while he kisses my temple.

"Hi," he whispers against my skin, placing another kiss just above the curve of my brow. "Good morning." He places another kiss on the space between my brows, his lips now trailing up to the middle of my forehead. "You look so pretty like this."

Like what? My skin shining with oil, my nose dirty, my body heavy from not having moved?

Something makes him pause when his lips find my cheek. He keeps his lips pressed against my skin for a moment before he pulls away, licking his lips as he looks closer at me.

"Hey," he whispers softly, a finger finding my chin. "Open your eyes."

I don't want to. When I do he'll instantly know what I've been doing, and I don't want to handle it. I don't want to deal with it.

His hand slips under my head, between my cheek and my pillow.

"Sweetheart, your pillow's wet," he says in quiet surprise. "Open your eyes, talk to me."

Hesitatingly, I obey. Cracking my eyes open and trying not to reveal how horrid the dryness in them feels after allowing them rest for a few moments after keeping them open for what could have been hours at this point. Mike's face is inches from mine, his brows furrowed in concern as his eyes scan for other obvious signs of distress.

"Hi," I croak in a tired, unused voice as I try to pretend all is well. Mike unfortunately knows better.

"What happened?" He asks concerningly, taking in the tone he does whenever Abby is upset, fretting over me like I'm an injured child as both of his hands cup my face, his lips finding what he's confirmed are thin, itchy and salty tear tracks, placing several, feather-light kisses along them.

"Nothing," I answer honestly, my voice still cracking. "I'm fine."

"Your eyes are red, baby," he says softly, pulling away to look at me again while his body inches closer. "You look like you've been crying for hours."

Ha. I wish. If I had been, maybe I'd feel better about everything. But instead, I've been lying here since Abby went to bed, feeling numb and dead internally as I willed myself to be upset about anything. Work, bills, the color of the walls. I'd succeeded maybe twice, little tears streaming down my face for a minute or two. But then they would stop, and it would feel as though I couldn't cry. Really cry. Like there was some emotional, maybe physical block preventing me from just truly letting all of my emotions out in a possibly hysterical fit. One that would mean I could connect to my humanity. I don't know what's wrong with me. So, instead I just say "I haven't cried."

Mike opens his mouth to call bullshit, but his brow furrows tighter as he thinks. "What's wrong?" He asks again, now lifting my head to allow one arm to slip underneath so I can lay upon it.

"Nothing," I answer again, truly unsure of what to say. "I'm really okay."

And I am. Work is fine, I am fine. Friends are fine. I don't have entitlement to be upset.

"Is it another episode?" Mike asks softly, now pulling his body onto the bed to lie next to me, fully committed to being partner of the year over here. Ugh. Great.

"No," I answer quickly, averting my gaze. Mike's hand cups my cheek, his body cool compared to mine. I'm soaked in sweat from sleeping - read: laying motionless on the bed since 9:30. - in too warm of clothes in too warm of a room under too warm of blankets. I probably stink. Meanwhile the morning air makes Mike feel refreshing. He's perfect. I'm a mess.

"It's okay if it is," Mike says softly. "It's nothing to be ashamed of if-"

"I'm not having an episode," I say firmly, cutting him off as though it will solidify my statement more than his if I finish mine first. "I'm just not."

I don't pretend to be perfect. I'm not, and I never will be. I know that's okay. I know episodes happen, and that I'll be okay. I've been so much better lately on my new schedule. I'm working, I'm happy.

I have absolutely no good reason to be in the midst of a depression episode. One where the memories won't leave my mind, where I can't sleep, can't think about anything but the past. It plays in my head over and over again, and I can't stop it. Even though I try. I read, I journal, I bathe. But I don't feel real. People don't feel real. Mike is disorienting in the sense that he is the only thing that truly feels real. Where the pale color of the sheets seems hypnotic, his slightly tan skin contrasts to remind me this place really does exist. The furniture and details of the room seem as real as something from a video game, renderings that aren't as realistic as they could be that blend into the wall more as you look. Flat. Nothing. But the freckles on his nose are real. Strikingly real. Overly real. It's as though someone took their time to place each one, carefully deciding their color, their opacity, their placement. I want and love each one, but at this moment they slightly torture me by drawing me into a comforting trap.

"I haven't had an episode in over a month, I'm better," I attempt to say in a firm, solid voice. But I'm too tired, too worn out. My chest burns both from anxiety induced heartburn and how shallow my breathing has been for the past several hours. Mike looks sad, and I hate that. Deeply.

"You have been doing better," he says softly, like a reassuring parent. "I've seen that. And I'm so proud of you."

But I still have this. I'm still like this. I still can't have people wrap their arms around me from behind because I'm instantly taken back to when it would end in me collapsed on the ground, panting, crying, calling out for help that just wouldn't come. I still can't wear shirts with too tight of collars because it always end with me half naked, ripping the shirt off while hyperventilating. That was how I had to tell Mike. For our first Christmas together he bought me this beautiful turtleneck, knowing I liked the style but didn't own many. A dark evergreen color, affordable but a lovely tight-knit material, I adored the thing. But the moment the shirt was over my head, the neck felt like a hand suffocating me, and though I tried to tolerate it fie as long as I could, it only took one casual graze of his hand along my back to send me reeling into a corner, hyperventilating, sobbing, blubbering like a terrified child as I clawed at my neck while he tried to get it off of me.

'I'm so proud of you.' The statement feels like a backhanded reward. It feels as though I'm an idiotic child who just can't learn their ABC's or basic fundamental math. It feels like I'm a small toddler surrounded by adults looking at me full of pity in their eyes while they think 'well, you'll never be normal by any means. But maybe one day if you're lucky, you'll work in a Subway.' But they don't tell me this. They just praise me for existing. 'You woke up today! You put on clothes today! You didn't kill yourself!' It makes me want to scream. Yes, even at him. I want to grab him by his shirt and scream until my voice is shattered 'don't praise me for the bare minimum! I'm not a child!'

But I know he's not. I know he feels the same way when he slips back in progress as well. There was a solid month last year where Mike's insurance refused to pay for his sleep medication due to some paperwork slip and such, something they eventually realized was a complete blip on their end. But that month was hell for Mike, who could barely sleep well even with the medication. His easy smirks were replaced with cracked lips, skin raw from constant biting. His eyes were filled with paranoia from lack of sleep, and worse were the night terrors. Mike didn't even know he was still capable of having them, usually sedated by his meds well enough that if there was a nightmare, he just stayed asleep. At worst he'd wake up in a haze, maybe a very short yelp if anything. But without his meds, it was screaming. Constant screaming. There were nights he would wake after only an hour and he'd start, his voice shrill and reverberating off the walls as he thrashed in the bed. You couldn't console him, touch made him worse. When it happened, you simply had to leave the room and pray he would be okay. The episode could last anywhere from five minutes to an hour, and you would know it was over when all you could hear was broken sobbing, quiet and childlike in nature. Then I would return to the room, and there he'd be. Sometimes wrapped in blankets, sometimes his shirt torn off of himself. Usually sitting either in the dark corner of the room or on the floor of our closet. Red, angry marks would trail along his skin from clawing at himself with his uneven nails, some of them being actual cuts he'd managed in his terror. I'd carefully clean his cuts with cotton balls and hydrogen peroxide while he silently stared ahead, too ashamed to speak or make eye contact with me. And too terrified to sleep again.

Sleep deprivation didn't help, either. One day I saw him with a Redbull stuck in his hand, seemingly never empty despite how much he drank from it. At first I thought it was one, than I realized it was three, then I realized I didn't really know what number he was on. It was surprising how well he could take the new, unusual load of caffeine that tastes sickly sweet without so much as a twitch of an eyebrow. I didn't realize he was trying to starve off sleep until the next morning when his leg was bouncing a mile a minute and he was snapping at every little thing. That day he had a breakdown over dropping an unpeeled onion. And that's when it slipped out.

I didn't judge him. I was terrified for him, but I didn't judge him. And I could tell the same was true for him when I would have my slips, though mine looked different. Mine looked like a lack of self care and rotting in our bed, staring pointlessly ahead until he would lift me off the bed and carefully guide me to a warm bath, where he'd gently wash my skin with a soft rag like I was a newborn while I stared ahead at nothing. At this point we had learned to tell the oncoming signs of each others episodes, and how to starve them off. And if we couldn't, how to help each other through them.

Usually, I don't mind. But today, it hurts. It all hurts.

"Have you eaten?" Mike asks me gently, his thumb gliding over my cheekbone as he wraps me in his embrace, careful of where he places his hands on my person. Like I'm a bomb.

I don't want to be treated like this anymore.

"Yes," I sigh in an irritated voice, like it's the most inconvenient thing he should ask me such a question. But I haven't. I feel empty and yet too full at the same time, and guilt pounds behind my left eye with the ferocity of a headache that I can't just mother myself.

Mike doesn't believe me. He'll pretend he does, but the press of his lips betray him as he takes a deep breath in like he's trying to tell what wire to cut next.

"Would you like to have breakfast with me?" He asks softly, his thumb still stroking just below the raw corner of my eye. It burns. All of it.

'No,' I snap in my head. But I just tighten my jaw and press my own lips together.

"I'm not really hungry, but thank you," I say in a tight voice. Now he's going to pretend that's okay, and he'll go get his breakfast. Then he'll pretend he can't finish it all, joke lightly and say I gave him too big of a portion even though he eats like he's still a growing teenager, and offer me little bites as he "tries" to finish the rest, then eventually trick me into finishing it. He isn't slick, and I'm not a child.

"Hey," he says in a light whisper. "I was thinking maybe we could go out today? All three of us? Or I could call Max, see if she'll watch Abs for a little bit so we can get away?"

Distraction. Cute. I don't need it.

"That could be nice," I admit through half gritted teeth, not meeting his eyes. "Where to?"

"Anywhere," he says too quickly, obviously relieved to have a straw to grasp at. "Your choice."

Guilt twists in my chest like an alien creature settled in my lungs, burning as it begins to slither its way towards my throat to suffocate me on its wrath. He doesn't need to do this. Can't he see how well I'm doing?

"How was work?" He asks me in an attempt to keep me talking. Mike doesn't like silence, not like this. Not really any time. There's always noise throughout the house, whether it's a show on in the background or white noise from his cassette player. He can't stand silence. Especially from people.

"Work was..." Fine? The usual? Non-eventful?

"Good," I decide. Mike presses his lips together again. Stop doing that.

"Yeah?" He asks in a slightly tight voice.

"Yeah," I confirm in a tighter voice.

"You didn't... call out or anything?"

My bottom left back molar feels like it might snap from how tight my jaw is. "Why?" I ask, venom unintentionally creeping in.

"Just asking," he says quickly.

"Why?" I press harder, wanting to know who told on me. Abby hasn't even had the chance to speak with him.

'It's because he knows your patterns,' I think. 'He's trying to gage how serious this is.'

"Maybe we could go out for breakfast? We can wait until Abby wakes up, go get some Waffle Hous-"

"I'm not having an episode," I snap quickly, more harsh than I intended. My tone makes him flinch slightly, his eyes shutting for a moment as he takes another breath in. Now I'm scared he'll pull away.

"We... don't have to talk about this right now," he says softly, opening his eyes again and wrapping his arm around me tighter. "Let's just focus on breakfast."

The guilt pounds in my kidneys, which are sore since I haven't left the bed since I laid down after putting Abby to sleep, but I did have a full water bottle around 3:00 in the morning. It's not Mike's fault I backtracked. He's just trying to be nice. I'm the asshole here.

"I'm sorry," I say in a small voice, dropping my gaze and biting my tongue between my canines again to stop the tears that are now willing to come freely to burn my eyes during such an inappropriate moment.

"It's okay," Mike says softly, placing a kiss on my forehead. "Don't even think about it."

'Don't even think about the fact he's just trying to be a decent person and you can't even say 'thank you,'' a grating voice in my head chides me. 'What, you're too good for a free meal?'

"I'm sorry," I repeat softer, my nails digging into my wrist that I'm holding to keep control over myself. Mike's hand is searching for mine, ready to pry it away to prevent me from doing what I need to to prevent the waterworks.

"Hey." Stop with the 'hey's. "I said it's alright, you're okay."

It's all bad. Everything's bad, and it's not going to get better. I keep thinking I'll get better, I keep thinking I'll be okay. But every two steps forward is one step back and I can't keep doing this redundant bullshit for the rest of my life. Am I going to be 40 at the office Christmas party sneaking off to freak out in the bathroom because something triggered me and I just can't get a grip on things? Am I even going to make it to 40?

Mike is comforting me, cradling my head to his chest and rocking me back and forth. And his shirt is wet. I don't like that his shirt is wet, it should be dry. Why is it fucking wet?

"It's okay," he's whispering in my hair while horrid choking sounds come from somewhere around us. Maybe the other room? "You're alright, it's okay."

I'm aware it's alright, I'm aware it's okay. Why are you wet? Why does my head hurt?

"I can't- sleep," my voice chokes out between guttural sobs, my face pressed into his chest. "It's all nightmares."

Oh. Shit. That's me. The wetness, I did that. My bad.

"I know, it's okay. How long?" Mike asks softly. What, are you gonna call my therapist?

"A week," I moan into his chest. My ribs expand with each recycled breath I steal from against his chest, and I can feel him trying to gently tug me away so I can get one with fresh, cold air instead. I don't let him. My lungs burn more. "They just won't stop."

"It's okay, it's only temporary," he says softly, his hand pushing away some of the blanket to relieve me of the boiling warmth underneath. The cold air is refreshing against my skin, even through my clothes are soaked with stinking sweat.

"No, it's not!" I cry hysterically into his chest. "They don't go away. None of it goes away. I want it to go away!"

He's nodding, rubbing circles on my back as I grip his shirt hard enough it may stretch.

"It'll get better. It did for awhile," he reminds me.

"But I'm back here. I always end up back here. I was doing so good!" I sob, feeling the wetness on his shirt begin to slightly thicken, probably due to snot. I try to sniff it back into my sinuses, but I think that just draws his attention to the new fluid he's covered in.

"That's okay. You'll do even better next time. And if you don't, that's okay too." Don't say what I think you're going to say. Do not. Michael, I'm serious, don't- "I'm still proud of you."

Fuck. Ooooooff!

This is the real release of my emotions. Now I'm gasping, choking, sobbing, making horrible sounds that sound like a European ambulance siren wailing through the streets to announce someone's dying on the way to the hospital. My head throbs with the pain from the heavy crying, and I may give myself a nosebleed from the passion of it all. And Mike, his patience thick and durable, just holds me through it all. Letting me soak his shirt, dirty his skin, grab at him blindly while I wail like a spoiled child, just repeating the phrase over again. 'Proud.' What pride. What honor to be had at such a breakdown. Yes, very understandable.

"I should be better," I sob into his chest. "You deserve better."

"What?" He laughs lightly, and at first it feels mocking, but then he's pulling my head away fron my soaked enclosure and his eyes are so gentle for a moment I know the light laughter is simply from surprise. Then his eyes widen and he's back in parent mode.

"Don't leave me. Don't leave me!" I choke out while gripping his shirt. At first he thinks I'm talking about our relationship, then he realizes I'm not letting him pull away.

"Sweetheart, you're bleeding," he gently explains. "Let me wipe your face. I just need tissues. I'm not even leaving the bed."

But that's too much. Let me bleed, let my head throb, let this headache take the vision away in my eye from how bad it hurts. Let anything happen so long as I can stay in this moment. Don't break the spell. Don't let me go numb again.

"Don't leave me," I cry pathetically, my eyes all scrunched together in the same manner as wailing infants, my grip on his shirt not breaking. Sure enough, there on the wet spot of his shirt is a dark stain of blood that should hopefully come out if we wash it fast enough.

"Let me do that," I'm saying as I try to peel off his shirt now. "Let me wash it."

He's gently guiding my hands away. "Don't worry about it," he says gently, kissing my hands and wrists like they might break even from the delicate graze of his lips. "Let me take care of you."

He does this all the time. He always takes care of me. I should do more. Be more. For him.

"You deserve better," I choke out, feeling like I may suffocate from the tears. Mike's brows furrow in concern, and he grips my chin very carefully as he makes me meet his eyes.

"Hey, no. Get that out of your head, it's all okay," he tells me softly, staring at me like if he can't verbally convince me, his hard stare will do the trick. "I don't want to hear you talk like that."

"I should be better," I repeat, my crying lessening slightly as I try to hold eye contact.

"You're getting better," he reminds me. "This is the happiest I've seen you since we met. You'll get back to that. Hell, you could feel the same way tonight. It's okay. Take a day off. We all need one, even normal people," he says softly, stroking my hair as he kisses my forehead. "Can you just let me take care of you in the meantime?"

No. Go away, let me rot.

"We can still go out for breakfast," he offers gently. "I can still call Max, or we can all stay in. I'll set up a nest in the living room so you can watch TV. Works you like that?"

Stop. Stop being nice to me, stop trying to make me feel better. It all just feels awful. I don't want this guilt, someone takes it away.

Mike must sense my overwhelmed emotions, because he places another kiss on my forehead before asking if he can clean my face again, and this time I say yes. He pulls away, which is still upsetting but less so. I don't make a deal out of it this time at least. He opens a drawer, searching for wipes and pulling them out before turning back to me.

"Do you want to sit up?" He asks gently. I bite my tongue to prevent another mocking thought directed towards me and nod. Bones crack as I do, my kidneys hurt worse. But at least I finally moved.

Tears still streak down my face as Mike wipes away the snot and blood, his large hand gently cupping my face as he does. There's a soft smile on his face, though I'm not particularly sure why. And when he's done, he runs his thumb along my bottom lip before placing his own lips on top of mine. They're chapped, one spot raw from excessive biting. But there's still some leftover chapstick on them, and it tastes like grapefruit.

I tug on his shirt, one hand sneaking under it to feel his cool skin underneath. He gently takes my wrist once more, then pulls away. A silent rejection. He knows that I'm just looking for a distraction from my emotions, and in a moment he'll offer a much healthier one. He does discard the shirt, leaving his chest bare, but only so that he doesn't smear my fluids back onto me as he pulls me in for another embrace.

"We'll be okay," he promises. "Everything will be okay."

"What if it's not?" I ask in a quiet, strained voice.

"Then it'll be okay later. You can take time to not be okay," he says.

There's a short silence before either of us speak. And when I hear his voice hitch in the way it does when he's about to say something, Abby's alarm rings crystal clear in her room. Then the sound of a truck rattles by on the road in front of the house. Birds continue to sing. And my pours feel so clogged I'm sure my skin will be lashing out for days.

But it'll all be okay.

                             ¤▪︎{♧}▪︎¤

"Can we have some fluff to reco-" no. Suffer.

Taglist:

@cassiecasluciluce @gh0u1ishly @joshhutchersons-slut @schmidtsbimbo @sugarevans @wompwompwomp57 @jhutchissupercool @laurrrelise. Thank you for your support pookies!!! <3

               •▪︎Masterlist▪︎•

[woozisguitar]

4:57am

warnings: mentions of anxiety, panic attacks and overthinking

word count: 853 (lowercase intended)

you sit in the stiff chair of your dining table, your laptop screen providing a soft glow in the otherwise dark room. the soft hum of the refrigerator and the shallow pants of your breath are the only noises in the dead of night. your otherwise loud neighborhood is relatively quiet today. you take in another deep breath, trying to calm your fast racing heart and even out your breathing. you know this is a tell of an impending anxiety attack, having had your fair share of those, but you don't even know what triggered this one. one minute you were quietly scrolling past the exciting lives of your friends on your phone, and the next you were in front of your computer for the past three hours, desperately trying to make some sense of your life.

“sweetheart, what are you doing?” a soft, sleepy voice rasps out from your bedroom door, causing you to look up from your computer.

a soft, tired jihoon stands in front of you, rubbing his eyes heavy with sleep. his hair is a mess, sticking out in all directions, and he opted to wear a soft sweater pajama set instead of his usual shorts. a small part of your heart seems to calm down at the sight in front of you.

jihoon walks over to where you are sitting and pulls a chair next to you. he peeks into your computer and sees various tabs open from post-grad programs of different universities, and he instantly knows what is happening. he then notices the soft tremor in your hands, your shallow breath, and the frantic, alert look in your tired eyes. he knows all too well what this means. he has witnessed a fair share of your panic attacks to know all the tells and signs like the back of his hand. he places his hands on yours, and you look up to meet his eyes. his eyes are so full of love and comfort, and for a second you forget about everything bad in your life.

“baby, what are you doing at this hour?” he tries again to coax you out of your bubble of panic. you sigh and look down at your intertwined hands.

“i'm just- i don't know, jihoon. i was watching all these people i know doing something with their lives, and i don't even know what to do anymore. i don't know what i'm doing with my life, and this is all so scary. i'm just-” you look up at him with tear-filled eyes. “what if i'm destined to fail in the end? what's the point of any of this then? it's been months since i graduated, with first honors too, but i just don't know what to do anymore. i feel so lost and useless and-” jihoon feels your anxiety increase, and as your breathing speeds up, he pulls you to his chest, softly cradling the back of your head as you quietly cry. he knows what you feel. you never talk about it, but all these feelings have been playing in your mind for a while now, and he knows exactly what you need to hear.

“you're not a disappointment, my love. you'll never be a disappointment to me. ever. and it's okay to not have things figured out right now. you have a plan, yeah? you have multiple plans, and right now you know it's not worth being anxious over it. trust me, my love, we just have to wait it out. i know you're not used to being so free, but maybe it was about time you took a break. everyone you know never worked so consistently for the past few years, whereas you didn't even take a break. i know it's hard, it's very, very hard, but you need to slow down and take a break. you've done so much already, you just have to wait it out now. we will apply to post-grad programs together like i promised, but we have to wait till they open up. there's no point being anxious before that.” jihoon feels your breathing slow down and slowly return to its normal rate at his words.

damn jihoon and his way with words.

you slowly lift your head up to look at him, and he wipes the tears from your face. he cups your cheek and kisses your forehead, a small promise that he's here and that he's not going anywhere.

“i'm sorry i woke you up,” you sniffle.

“never apologize, my love. i'm always here for you. now let's go to bed, hmm?” he says, closing your laptop and helping you out of your chair.

“jihoon, can you please sing for me?” you say softly after settling in your bed, your head on his chest and his arms secured around you.

“of course, my love. anything for you.”

and with that, you slowly drift off to sleep to the sound of your lover humming you to sleep. the world may be a hard and difficult place to deal with, but you know at the end of the day, you'll always have jihoon.

a/n: sorry its 5 am and i cant sleep

[cherriesformatt]

baby blues || matt sturniolo part 4

matt x fem!reader

summary: you bring your baby home but nothing feels like it should you try your best to hide your feelings from matt but that never works because he knows his girl...

warnings: postpartum depression, sad, mood swings, kind of angst

word count: 1,4k

a/n: I think that might be the last part but idk let me know! Also thank you for almost 200 followers that's crazy!

🍒

The day we brought Noa home was one of the hardest days in my life. I barely could walk, I was hurting and bleeding a lot. My body was sore and didn't look like my body at all. The amount of people in our house gave me so much head ache. I was glad that everyone came and our moms are here. They cooked and bonded together even if they did not see each other before in real life. My mom did flight from Europe to be with us for two weeks so she could help.

I was so tired but I could not sleep. I was so scared something will happen to Noa. I tried my best to smile and talk to everyone so Matt would not get even more worried.

The moment I started to worry myself was that the feeling never left. Two weeks passed and I felt like I was living in someone else's body. I did not feel like myself. I was feeling so exhausted and guilty.

I would find myself having panic attacks in the middle of the night or day and hid hid in the bathroom also no-one would know.

Matt was so natural about all the baby stuff. Changing her diapers, feeding her, putting clothes on her. I was so scared that I was doing everything not to do all of this.

Today I barely even held her in my arms. I did not want to.

It was her bedtime. Matt gave her a bath while I got ready her pajamas and everything on the changing table.

"Don't forget her monitoring sock" I said watching him getting her ready to bed. She looked so small in her sleep swaddle.

"I know baby... I already did, she is all good and ready. Do you want to try to feed her today?" He looked at me with small smile.

I shook my head quickly and pointed at the bottle on the stand next to the rocking chair.

Whole pregnancy I was thinking I am going to feed her but I couldn't I only pumped so she could use a battle. I was scared she is going to choke and it is going to be my fault.

"Okay... that's okay I am going to feed her and put her down" He said as I left the room.

I checked on my phone if the camera and sock monitor were working and went down the stairs.

I started cleaning after dinner. My plate was almost full. I did not feel hungry those days. I made myself to eat so I had enough supplies for the baby.

"Hi... y/n..." Matt walked into the kitchen looking at me while I was putting last dishes away.

He looked tired and worried. Bags under his eyes bigger than usual. But he looked good. His outfit was nice, his hair was fresh and he smelled nice. I felt like a crap next to him.

"She's asleep?" I asked looking at my phone to check on the baby.

"Yes, she is all okay... Baby we need to talk" He put my phone down and connected our fingers together. The other hand rested on my cheek and he stroked it gently.

"Look at me..." He said and I did.

"What's wrong sweet girl? You hurting... I can see it but I can't help if you don't talk to me..." He said not sure how to start this conversation.

"How did you..." I wanted to ask but he interrupted me.

"Of course I know... do you think I don't see you constantly worried, you barely even sleep. I hear your crying...I just.. I didn't know what to do, how to help you. But I can't look at it anymore. Y/n you don't even hold her anymore..." He says, his eyed watered.

"She needs you the same as she needs me... fuck she needs you more. I am trying my best so you could recover. But I can't do it by myself baby... tell me what's wrong" He holds me and I do not know what to say.

I feel my body started to shake and I started to cry. I felt awful. So selfish and like the worst mother.

" Shh... I'm sorry... I shouldn't say that..." He regrets starting the conversation after I broke into pieces in front of him for the first time.

" No... you are right... Im the worst mother in the world" I said stepping away from him.

"That is not true baby" He put his hands on my hips and he looked at me with worry.

"Oh but it is... you do all of it... so smooth.... I can’t even hold her without being scared I hurt her...I can't even look her in the eyes because I hate myself Matt" I said really quiet.

" Honey..." he started and I couldn't help myself I just cried.

I felt his sarong arms around my body. He picked me up and moved us to the couch. He held me close to him on his lap and kissed my temple.

"Sh....I m so sorry you are feeling this way...I want to help you baby... but I do not know if I can...how can I help" She whispered and stroke my back rocking us.

He waited for me to calm down and when I did I looked at him.

"I'm sorry Matt.. I am so sorry for everytung... I love you both so so much but I can't... I can't do it Matt... I am so scared.... " I said.

"I am here baby... We are going to get through it together okay?" He brushed my hair from my face with his fingers.

"I think I need help..." I said first time ever thinking about it out loud.

He kissed my head again and nodded.

I started attending meetings in the same week. With small steps and with Matt by my side. I felt better and better. I started to be happy and started spending time with Noa without feeling guilty all the fucking time.

" Hi mama...." Matt said holding Noa in his brothers kitchen when I walked in.

That was a month from our conversation. Noah was 1,5 months old. She was healthy and happy. The best baby in the whole world.

"Hello everyone... How was work day with daddy? Did you scream so everyone would find out about you?" I kissed Noa's little nose and Matts lips. He laughed at what I said. The boys waved at me.

"She did not... still daddy's little secret but a hungry one" He said.

"But we needed to start filming three times because I couldn't stop staring at her" Chris said.

They both loved Noa so much but she was a soft spot for Chris. I already know he is going to spoil her so much.

"I know I know let me wash my hands first" I went to the sink, washed my hands and took her into my arms.

"Please no boobs showing out here" Nick said and I rolled my eyes.

"Not for free... I am going to Matts room and then you can show me the video?" I look at Nick.

"Yes! I am so exited" He said.

I went to feed little miss. It felt great to be able to do it and enjoy it. Thanks to that I feel like it helped me to built the connection I lost with my baby blues. This month was hard for me but I finally see the sun. She was in front of me this whole time but now I can fully enjoy and embrace being a mom. I know that after this I will be never scared to ask for help ever again.

" I missed you..." I kissed her head after she is done eating and fix my bra and shirt and walked back to the kitchen.

"We're ready!" I said walking to the boys on the couch.

Nick started to play the video when I sat next to Matt. It was mix of me being pregnant and little video of our photoshoots during pregnancy and at the end there was a black screen with little Noa crying after she was born.

We decided that it is time to share the news with the world. We do not want to show her face but we do want the world to know about her.

"Lets do it..." I said and wiped my tears of happy memories from my cheeks.

" Yes... lets do it" Matt kissed me on the lips and I smiled even more.

" I love you..."I said and she smiled as well.

"I love you both to the moon and back" He hugged me and kissed Noas head.

[writersblog20]

Comfort person

Pedro Pascal x reader

Summary: Today was not a good day, completely the opposite actually but yet in all your horrible days, Pedro seemed to stick by your side, not helping the case with your on going crush on the daddy of the internet but when nightmares took over your night, you saw no other option than to knock on Pedro’s door for comfort.

Warnings: mention of death of a loved one (godfather in this case), mention of sleeping pills, mention of anxiety, mention of a panic attack, nightmares, You being the rock of the family, heated kiss and a lot of fluff

Words: 3,4K

A/N: repost because Tumblr decided to be a little bitch and test my last goddamn nerve💀

Comfort person

You and Pedro became close friends when you met at a friends party. You both hit it off great and well you had a crush at the older man before you even met him but now…. God you were completely in love and there was no stopping it. Never ever, did you think Pedro liked you back in that same way. I mean, he was a bit older, had more experience in well, everything in live and you didn’t. Yeah you had an old soul and been through a whole lot of shit which made you mentally, a bit older and you’ve never really acted your age but still.

Pedro was shooting the last of us and stayed over at your place since it was closer to work and he didn’t have to stay in a hotel. You didn’t have to think twice when you offered up a room in your cozy, little home but you did not thought this through. You were seeing Pedro a lot, obviously but that didn’t help your case called: Being utterly in love with the daddy of the internet. For the love of god why did you think this was going to be a good idea?

Today was a tough day. Well make it a though 3 weeks at this point because what the fuck?! You had trouble with your teacher, exams, and a whole lot of last minute changes because your teachers couldn’t communicate and a whole lot more but you get the deal. You were stressed, frustrated and exhausted and to top it all off, today marked the 2 year anniversary of your godfathers dead. You never had a father but when he became your godfather, he tried to fix everything your father had ruined and broken. He was the closest thing you had to a father and now he was gone. He had spent 2 years being your godfather and you whished you had more time with him.

So you came home from your studies, Pedro in the kitchen getting dinner ready when you walked in. He looked at you and the moment he saw you, a big smile appeared on his face. “Hey sweetheart” Pedro greeted you with a lot of joy but could see that you were going through a rough day. He opened his arms up for you and pulled you in a hug, which you gladly accepted, wrapping your arms around his waist, holding his pink sweater tightly while your rested your head against his chest. Pedro placed his hand on your head for comfort and pulled you closer to his body as he placed a kiss on your head.

“Tough day huh?” he murmured in your hair, making you nod. “You’re here now sweetheart. This day is almost over and in two days, you have a break and we’ll only do fun things and rest. I promise you.” you felt comforted by Pedro’s words as usual. Pedro always was able to comfort you like no one else could. Like everything would be okay as long as he was around. Pedro let you hold him as long as you needed to. You could feel him move while you clanged to him. You heard some glasses clink together and you assumed he was opening up a wine bottle.

One arm was still around you, holding you against his body and the other was trying to pour the wine in the glasses. You chuckled a little at the struggle Pedro was having with the wine while he didn’t want to let go off you. You got out of the hug making Pedro frown a bit but smiled while he saw you chuckle.

He handed you the wine glass with a generous amount of wine in it. “I have to go to my family tonight.” You mentioned and Pedro leaned against the kitchen counter with a sad look in his eyes. “I’ll go with you, sweetheart.” You felt your heart fill up with love and comfort but shook your head. “You don’t have to do that P.” this time it was Pedro’s turn to shake his head. “No, I want to. I want to be there for you. You don’t have to do this alone anymore.” He told you and pushed his body off the counter and walked to you as he wrapped his arms around you again. “Thank you, P.” Pedro kissed your head in response.

~Time skip~

After dinner you quickly changed and went with Pedro to your family. You knew that it was going to be tough because your godmother had a very tough time and you promised your godfather that if the time would come that you would take care of them. You just didn’t know the time would come so soon but you kept your promise to him. So you straightened your back, took a deep breath, pushed your emotions aside for a moment and walked in. It wasn’t the first time that your godmother broke down in front of you and her daughter. It was tough because you felt torn apart by the pain but you promised to be strong for them. To be that shoulder and rock but it was tough. So today was no difference. Pedro watched you bubble up all the emotions while your godmother clang to you.

Pedro could feel the weight on your shoulders and the pain in your heart as it chocked him up. He could see the tears gathering in your eyes but being pushed away so you could be the strong one of the family.

Once you were in the car, it was silent. Pedro didn’t know what to say so he just held your hand while he drove off. You were always quite after something like this. IT just drained all your energy and you felt shitty as fuck to say the least. You couldn’t wait to get home, take a sleeping pill, relax and go to bed early so you wouldn’t have to deal with this day anymore.

You and Pedro walked through the front door and you made your way in the kitchen to make some tea and take your meds. Pedro followed behind you softly. “Thank you for coming with me P.” Pedro smiled softly but sadness lingered over his features. “Always sweetheart.” Pedro slowly walked up to you and pulled you in a hug. “Let me take care of you how you took care of them now. You did great but it’s okay now. You don’t have to be strong anymore princess.” You were too exhausted to even cry while the weight on your heart grew stronger. “it’s not healthy bubbling it up like this, mi amada”

“I know. I’m just exhausted right now.” You told him tiredly. Pedro cupped your cheeks lovingly and looked at you. Softness glazed over his eyes and features. “I can imagine sweetheart.” He told you before placing a long, lingering kiss on your forehead. You let out a sigh. “Can we watch a movie?” you asked Pedro who smiled lovingly at you. “We can do whatever you want to, mi corazon.”

Pedro made the tea while you took your meds. You quickly run upstairs to get in the most comfortable outfit ever. You had a very, like very big fluffy sweater type thing and it was great to hide in it, so it was perfect for now. You walked downstairs, seeing Pedro already on the couch. Pedro smiled as he saw you in the fluffy sweater. A look like his heart was going to burst from cuteness.

You plopped on the couch next to Pedro, who had his arm resting on the leaning of the couch so you leaned as close against Pedro’s side. He handed you the remote and you chose a movie. Pedro went with his fingertips over your sculp, comforting you. As time went by, you leaned more and more against Pedro before deciding to rest your head on his lap. Pedro’s attention went to you as you got away from his side. He looked at what you were planning to do and the moment he saw you laying down on his lap, his heart filled itself with so much love that he thought he was going to lose it. He grabbed a blanket that was behind him and placed it over your body. His hand resting on your arm and softly rubbed your arm while the other was still in your hair, massaging your scalp.

You didn’t remember when your eyes closed but you woke up by the slight shift from Pedro. You opened your eyes and saw that Pedro was looking at you. “I’m sorry I woke you up princess. I wasn’t sure if you were sleeping or not.” Pedro told you softly as he went over your hair. You let out a groan as you sat up, your neck and back hurting.

Pedro’s hand was on your back softly rubbing it. “It’s okay, I should go to bed anyways.” You told him with a tired smile. Pedro kissed the top of your head. “Goodnight sweetheart. And you know it! if there’s something, anything at all, you come to me and wake me up alright mama?” he told you a bit stern but still with love. You smiled at his caring side that you loved so much and not to forget about the nickname. “I promise. Goodnight P.” you told him as you stood up. “Goodnight princessa.”

You got upstairs and freshened up. You wore some shorts, a shirt from Pedro that you might’ve stolen or not and laid down in bed You scrolled a bit through your phone, watching some Youtube videos and just like before, you didn’t know when your eyes closed as you fell into a deep sleep.

Pedro tried to walk silently upstairs until he saw some light from underneath your door. He frowned a bit, worried that you couldn’t sleep or that you felt bad after today so he softly knocked on your door but didn’t hear a response from you. So he tried again “Sweetheart? You up?” he asked you but not too hard for if you were in fact asleep, that you wouldn’t wake up. Pedro carefully opened your door slightly and peeked inside, seeing you completely knocked out with your headphones in, Youtube still playing in the background and your lamp besides your bed table still on. He smiled lovingly and walked inside of your room, very carefully taking your headphones out of your ears and placed them on the bedtable. He took your phone and put it in the charger besides your earphones. He got the covers, pulling them up a bit and softly tucked you in. He kissed your head and put your light out and silently walked out of your room, closing the door carefully behind him.

~time skip~

You woke up, half in a panic as you looked around you confused. You had a terrible, really horrible nightmare. You didn’t remember putting your nightlight out or putting your phone away etc. It clicked in your head that it must’ve been Pedro, making you smile in yourself. You really wanted to go to him and let him hold you, protect you from anymore nightmares if they’d come back. You felt your heart thumping against your chest as you fell back down with a sigh as you rubbed your face. You stared at your ceiling until you had enough and got out of bed. Your muscles ached, probably from tensing them so much in your sleep.

You groaned, getting up. All of a sudden, fear and anxiety started engulfing you and before there could be a panic attack, you quickly exited your room. Your feet softly shuffling at your wooden floor as you got closer to Pedro’s door. You know what he said but still something inside of you, really did not want to wake him up but you knew that if you didn’t, you would have a full blown panic attack. Besides, Pedro would whoop your ass if he found out and that you didn’t wake him. You softly knocked on his door and unknowingly held your breath. You didn’t hear anything and you didn’t really know what to do so you carefully opened the door.

Pedro laid on his side with his back to the door. “P?” you whispered as not to startle him but loud enough to wake you. He stirred a bit in his sleep and turned on his other side, now facing you but didn’t fully wake up so you tried again. “P?” but still no reaction. You shifted on your feet, getting nervous and not knowing what to do next. You looked at the empty side of the bed. Fuck it, you cursed out in your head and softly walked to the empty side of the bed.

You held out the covers slightly and got in next to him. Pedro opened his eyes from the sudden movement on his bed. He saw that you were wearing his shirt and he got a grin on his face. “I was looking for that shirt.” Pedro said, his voice raspy from sleep. You quickly looked at Pedro. “I’m sorry.” You said sheepishly, seeing the smirk on Pedro’s face, made you feel flustered yet relieved that he found it amusing. You laid down on your side, facing Pedro. You both stared at each other for a moment.

“You okay?” he asked you in a whisper. The love that coated those two words and his big brown cow eyes made your heart skip a couple of beats. “Had a bad nightmare.” Pedro nodded and gave you a sad smile. “I’m glad you came to me.” you felt flustered and shy but proudness also washed over you while you couldn’t do anything to hide the shy smile that covered your face. “Come here sweetheart.” He told you and opened the covers more so you could move towards him, which you gladly did. Your body was tightly against his, your arm tucked underneath your chin, like those dinosaur hands while Pedro’s arms were tightly wrapped around you. Your head was tucked underneath his chin and for the first time, in like forever you felt genuinely safe and secure.

You held the shirt that he was wearing, tightly in your hands, making a fist. The way Pedro’s hands softly rubbed your back and held your head, made the butterflies multiple in your stomach. “Try to get some more sleep, mi corazol. I’ll be right here.” He whispered in your ear. You already had your eyes closed, completely relaxing underneath his touch. You moved a bit, trying to get even closer to Pedro. You listened to his heartbeat and heard it thumping violently against his chest. You slowly opened your eyes and looked up at Pedro, making him look at you as well.

“What’s wrong sweetheart?” he finally asked when he saw your awaiting look, making him confused. His eyebrows knitted a bit together, trying to read your mind. You shook your head softly and wanted to rest your head again but Pedro put his finger underneath your chin, making you look up at him. “You know you can tell me right?” he asked you softly again. You nodded and played with his shirt that he wore. “It’s just, your heart is beating very fast.” You tried to say as softly as you could, hoping that he didn’t hear you but he did.

Pedro chuckled nervously. “Eh yeah… You kind off have that effect on me…” this time his voice was in a whisper. You looked up real quick and you felt his heart absolutely going insane underneath your touch. You were so starstruck, your body moving on its own right now. You got his hand and placed it on your shirt, exactly where your heart was. It was beating just as fast as his, if not faster. His hand was flat on your chest with your hand above his and now you saw how big his hand was. “You kinda have that effect on me as well.” you whispered, scared that if you spoke too loud that you would break the intimate moment.

Pedro’s hand that rested on your chest slowly went up to your neck, towards your cheek, letting it rest there. His thumb softly rubbing on your soft skin. “Are you sure?” he asked you, not sure if you were on the same page. “Very much so.” Pedro softly nodded and lowered his head so he could rest his forehead against yours. Both of your breaths shaky right now from the close proximity. You placed your hand on his again and held it, bringing it to your lips, softly kissing his hand. Pedro was in a complete trance, completely focused on you and his hand.

You let go of his hand and went through his bed hair and let your hand rest on his cheek, your palm tickling from his stubbles. Pedro’s eyes big, intently looking at you before he rested his forehead against yours again. He carefully wrapped his hand around your wrist that still cupped his cheek. You heard Pedro let out a shaky breath “Fuck” he cursed out and placed his lips against yours. You knew it was going to happen sooner or later but it still took you by surprise. Your heart almost beating out of your chest when you felt his tongue against your lips.

Both of your breath still shaky as you let him take control. He rolled you on your back and carefully laid his weight down on you as he continued kissing you. Your hands went though his hair, tucking it a bit. Pedro rested his hand on your hip and the other on your cheek again. You took his shirt in your hand again and pulled him more down on you. The kiss started to slow down and Pedro pecked your lips before pulling back, his thumb softly rubbing on your cheek. “I really do like you, mi amor.” He told you as you looked into each other’s eyes. This time you wrapped your small hand around his wrist. You turned your head towards his hand and softly placed a kiss on his wrist. “I really, really like you too P. I’m… I’m actually in love with you.” you admitted, feeling completely flustered, shy and nervous.

Pedro got a wide smile. “Good, cause I am too.” He told you and kissed you again passionately. You felt Pedro sigh in the kiss and so did you. He broke away again before it could get too heated. Not that he didn’t want to, but everything on its own time and god did he wanted to take his time with you.

Pedro kissed your nose, cheek and forehead before he laid down on his back. You scooped closer to him when he held out his arm for you to lay in. Nothing else was said, it wasn’t necessary either as you just cuddled with each other. Pedro kept cuddling you until you finally fell into a peaceful sleep. He made sure that you fell asleep first before he would even think about closing his own. But he didn’t want to sleep, he just wanted to stay in this exact moment and watch over you but he was bound to lose that fight eventually and he fell asleep, just like you in a peaceful sleep.

There was only one reason why you finally fell asleep peacefully and that was because of Pedro. No one, ever had made you feel this safe and secure in your entire life. Not even your mom was able to do so but Pedro…? He just did it, he had that effect on you and that’s how you knew he was the one.

[yunyunrin]

Chapter Two : Holy Fool

genre : horror, angst, fluff, hurt/comfort, eventual smut, enemies to lovers, alternate universe, slow burn

pairing : angel!reader (gn) x kingofhell!???, other side pairings

chapter warnings : arguing, crying, flashback, panic attacks, religious themes, yandere themes, anxiety

wc : a bit over 10k

A/N : here we go!!! everything from here on out is going to be a bit more fast paced so i’m excited for that 😣 and i finally got the motivation to edit! if i left out any warnings on accident let me know!

MDNI

holy fool masterlist | chapter one | next

“Glory be to God, Amen,” you recite to yourself as you finish your prayer, quickly looking around to find a familiar face.

“Angel Blossom!” Poppy shouted a little ways away from you as she walked towards you after the prayer, granted her choice of volume garnered some stares from the other Angels. Poppy didn’t seem to mind though. As long as the prayer was over, it was okay to be happy in the prayer hall.

“Hi my darling Poppy, how are you today?” you asked. Poppy seems to be in a cheery mood tonight, more so than usual.

“I should be asking you that, Blossom,” Poppy replied. You know what she is talking about, tonight is when you head back down to Earth for your first assignment. You haven’t been back down to Earth since that night all those years ago. Not even thinking about the content of that night since a day or so after you returned to Heaven after the fact. Listening to Poppy was most important to you then, and it is the same now. Although you are having much more trouble not thinking about it since Angel Zen has told you about your impending assignment a few weeks back.

“I’m doing okay, nervous,” you respond. You and Poppy have now made it back to your shared room.

“It’s okay to be nervous, it is your first assignment. You will do well. Come on, let's go wash off before we head out,” Poppy ushers you quickly out the room once you gather your clothes towards the communal showering area. You both walk in and there is no other Angel there. Everyone has washed off already, but you and Poppy are washing off again.

Poppy and Angel Zen are still the only ones who know of your past as a human. In the years since becoming an Angel, you’re allowed to be around the others now, but you choose not to be close with them. Of course, you’re cordial, but you couldn’t risk them finding out anything, so you stick to Poppy. You’re truly grateful for Poppy, you don’t know what you did to deserve her. One day, you told her that when you were alive, you would take hot showers when you were stressed or nervous and ever since then when you are nervous or stressed, she takes you straight to the showers to relax.

Initially you never thought you’d be able to get used to the new life you had, thinking that your experience on Earth would make you too bashful for some of the things that Angels are accustomed to. Quickly it became something you got used to. For example, the communal showers do not have any dividers; you’re seeing everyone the way that they were made, but it wasn’t weird. You and Poppy have had many conversations over the years as you washed yourselves like you are now, but it is no different from the talks you have when you are in the comfort of your shared room.

“Your assignment, the family has had two more kids since you have last seen them. A three-year-old and a newborn,” Poppy informs you as she walks to the mirror to get a better look at drying her hair with her towel.

This hurts your heart a bit, you know not everyone has a bad life but from what you have learned in the past couple of months from Poppy, this situation was not too good. You wish you could give the mother the strength to leave, but your focus is on the children and your only job is to protect them to the best of your ability.

“Thank you for telling me, Poppy. Where are you going for your assignment tonight?” You question because Poppy herself is also getting a new assignment tonight.

“I’m going to Cana-da-da-da,” Poppy laughs at you, “apparently they are a sweet family. The grandparents live with the family and one of them will be getting diagnosed with cancer soon. I will be there long enough to help with the blow it will bring to the grandchildren,” she drops her shoulders once the information leaves her mouth. Poppy is a very emotional Angel that always takes things to heart. That is what makes her different from many of the Angels you have encountered. The others aren’t often phased by what they see, just doing their assignments and coming back to pray. A routine they have perfected over time, but Poppy is unique. You’ve had to comfort Poppy a lot because she feels everything from everyone around her.

Once you and Poppy are done washing off, you return to back to your bedroom. “Listen to me Blossom, everything will be okay with the kids. They are strong, I wouldn’t lie to you,” Poppy stated before you both were about to take your leave. “You will be okay, I promise. You can always talk to me through your bond and I will come in a second, now go to those kids,” Poppy pats your back, and you nod at her before transporting to the home of your assignment.

—

It’s been four years since the air of the Earth has hit your skin. The family from four years ago lives in a new place now, as you transport yourself in the entryway you take in the surroundings of their space. It’s small, a kitchen/dining area, a small living room, a bathroom, and two bedrooms. Poppy’s words are replaying in your mind as you walk to the children’s room. “You’ll be okay Blossom,” you mumble to yourself. The room is small, a bunk bed and a crib. The kid you last saw four years ago taking the top bunk while the toddler is on the bottom bunk, and obviously the baby is in the crib. You move to get in the bed with the toddler, cradling him in your hold. Poppy told you that is what she did, as he is prone to nightmares and this is all that helps.

The children are asleep, and the house is quiet, which leaves you with one thing to do. Think. Four years ago. You physically cringe at the memory and your stupidity. You are certain that if Poppy’s hair wasn’t permanently a bright golden color that it would have grayed instantly that night.

You’ve learned a lot since then, you could understand why Poppy was worried. Even if you had brushed against the man, you would have been a fallen Angel that instant. That goes for touching any non-human unless they are an Angel or a child under the age of twelve. Also witches, even the human ones. You didn’t really understand the witches, though, you knew some who practiced when you were alive, and they were some of the kindest people you knew. But that’s the rules, and you can’t do anything about that.

You still didn’t know anything about the Kings of Hell. You couldn’t genuinely ask because to every other Angel in Heaven, you already knew. Angel Zen was not someone you wanted to talk to more than you had to, and you knew how Poppy felt talking about them. You just hated feeling ignorant, your ignorance is what put you and Poppy in danger in the first place.

Although you feared how the family would fare during your shift, you were more afraid of seeing him. You know it is not a sin to find people attractive, but is it when they are a King of Hell and you’re a Guardian Angel? His sharp jawline and the singsong voice he used when he spoke to you, “shut up Blossom,” scolding yourself for thinking of him. He has definitely forgotten you by now and if he did remember you, it is because you were a Heavenly being who didn’t know he was a King of Hell.

Morning comes quickly, and your assignment shift is almost done. The kids slept soundly, now there is one thing left to do before you go back. Pray over the children. You fall to your knees in front of the window of the room and put your hands together, “God, please protect this family, —” Cinnamon. Cinnamon fills your nostrils and your hands start to tremble. “No, not now, please not now,” you say to yourself before finishing your prayer.

The smell of cinnamon and the feeling of his eyes on you has not left since the beginning of your prayer. This can’t be happening, you think to yourself as you walk to the kitchen, hoping that their mother is cooking breakfast with cinnamon or perhaps lit a cinnamon scented candle? You enter the kid’s room defeated as neither was happening. The feeling of him is strong, but you can’t see him. But you aren’t looking, your eyes have been tightly shut since you entered the room, finding solace again with the toddler. Instead, hoping that this time your nightmare will go away, but it does not.

“I know you are there but please not today. Please — leave me alone,” you begged into the thick tension of the room. You weren’t expecting it to anything, especially for the presence to dissipate as soon as you were finished speaking. He let you off the hook today, and for that, you are grateful.

—

As you enter back into Heaven you find yourself going straight to the showers in hopes that Poppy has already been back and showered, but as you walk in you see that that was, in fact, not the case. Poppy looks like she has not started showering yet, but the only available spot was right next to her. It isn’t like you would rather not see her, you did want to see her. But you can’t tell her that you felt him. She still hasn’t mentioned that night even when she saw your nervousness before your assignment. Could she have truly forgotten?

You make your way beside Poppy and turn the showers on, warm water instantly hitting your skin. You aren’t sure how the Earth changes your scent, but you know that it does. Even if it is a little bit. “Blossom, how was your first night on assignment?” Poppy questions, the suds from her shampooed hair falling down the side of her face.

“It went well, they had a pretty good night, thankfully,” you answer politely, not meeting her gaze.

“I’m glad. You smell not like how I did when I came back from their assignment?” Poppy inquires. You can feel her eyes on you, and you begin to feel small under her gaze.

“What do you mean?” you ask, hoping that your ignorance will help you with the incoming questions that you know you will receive from her.

“You smell like cinnamon. How come?” her voice is noticeably down a few octaves. Shit, she is on to you. You immediately start thinking of an excuse, anything to save your ass.

“Right before I left for assignment, their father used the bathroom, I’m assuming his stomach had gotten upset from something he consumed the night before. Before too long, the whole apartment was smelling… Not good. His wife woke up a short time after and lit a candle, probably cinnamon,” you chuckle to yourself and move to rinse your hair, “I’m thankful she did, if she didn’t, I would likely smell a lot worse…” you told Poppy, hoping that your lie was enough to fool her.

Poppy nods her head and the rest of the time you and her spend showering was met with silence. After your shower ends, you go to your room to make sure you have everything you need for your prayer. Some Angels take holy books to pray, others take holy memorabilia, others take nothing. It just depends on the mood and the Angel. Tonight you opt to take a holy book while Poppy just makes sure she looks presentable enough to walk into the prayer hall. ‘You know you can tell me anything, Blossom’ Poppy shares with you through your bond. You look at her and smile, showing that you understand and that you will. Your second lie in Heaven tonight, wow you really are the best Angel, sighing to yourself at the hidden thought.

You and Poppy walk shoulder to shoulder into the prayer hall before going to your respective spots. You and Poppy cannot pray together in the prayer hall due to the difference in your ranks. You are the lowest ranked Angel, while Poppy is a few ranks higher than you are. The prayer hall is beginning to fill with Angels which means the official prayer will start soon, but that does not stop other Angels for beginning to pray earlier. You have been in his prayer hall continuously for the past few years, but you don’t think you’ll ever get used to it. The hall is long in length and width, plated with pure gold. The floors are marble and there are cushions of red velvet that act as a barrier for when you fall to your knees during prayer. Contrary to your belief beforehand, there are no statues of Angels because wouldn’t that be weird? Apparently.

The orchestra music pauses, causing you to come back to reality from your thoughts. A high ranked Angel, like Angel Zen for example would start off the prayer and then the remainder of the time Angels would pray about what you feel you needed your attention, or God’s attention. You had three things you wanted to pray on. The first was your ability to lie in Heaven, your faith itself, and —. You pause your last thought. Your prayers go directly to God, and you aren’t sure you want God to know about this yet. But if God is all knowing, then you shouldn’t have to pray about it anyway, right?

After your years of being an Angel you’d expect to be a fierce believer of God, but you are not. You took steps further than you had when you first became an Angel but probably not as much as Poppy would hope. You believe in God, but you don’t feel the need to worship him, you know he exists but is he really worthy of your worship? What makes him more worthy of it than Lord Hades or Lady Athena? This is how you were different from the thousands of other Angels in the prayer hall, you believed in every God’s existence. Your belief would render you an Omnist Pagan, which is why you could never speak of it. That’s why your best friend Poppy could never know that the Angel she worked to help become a pious God-fearing Angel, was a Pagan. During times and thoughts like this you wish you had Dina, where you could speak freely.

—

Although you believe this way, you have a tremendous amount of guilt. You were given a second chance by people who worship God and you could not even worship him in which others feel he deserves. Lying in a space that it was forbidden to lie, and no one was the wiser. You sat here during prayer and prayed the best way you knew how to change the way you thought, to think like Poppy. That’s what you prayed for. But year after year, nothing changes and occasionally, you don’t feel bad. You’re praying about it, so now it’s out of your hands. You know it truly is not, but that thought helps to keep the guilt from consuming you entirely.

Before you know it, the prayer is over and Poppy is making her way to you. The walk back to you and Poppy’s shared room is quiet but comfortable. You walk in first, and Poppy follows and closes the door once she enters. You sit at your respective beds, allowing your bodies to truly rest after the long night of your assignments and the prayer that followed it.

“What do you intend to do today?” Poppy asks cheerily.

“I think that I will sleep for a couple of hours, then clean for a bit, and I think that I will also read some scriptures. How about you?” you ask while glancing at the Angel.

“I think I will go down to Earth for a bit and bring the holy feel to a couple of churches. You know you don’t have to sleep, right? Angels don’t need to sleep to function,” Poppy clarifies, like you didn’t already know. Ever since becoming an Angel and after those first couple of nights, you truly haven’t been tired, but you still sleep. It helps pass the time and if you’re being honest, you hope that one day you will dream. It hasn’t happened, but every so often you wish that you would be allowed to live the way you wanted through your dreams, but you have not been granted that wish.

“Yes Poppy, I know. It is just something I miss from Earth, it’s grounding. Plus, I only do it for a couple of hours. It isn’t like I do it and then wake up to pray and go to assignment. I guess it is a guilty pleasure, you could say,” you retort back

Poppy doesn’t seem too amused with your response, but you were being honest. Sleeping for a couple of hours wasn’t hurting anyone. “Praying is grounding, Blossom. And that guilty pleasure is what we’d call a sin on Earth,” Poppy jitters, her fists clenched.

“Napping isn’t a sin for people on Earth, Poppy,” you clap back while massaging your temples, your voice beginning to sound volatile.

“It is when you nap and aren’t tired that is what God would consider Sloth, Blossom. Don’t try to tell me what is and what is not a sin. Don’t forget who—” Poppy cuts herself off before saying her last bit, looking up at you with glossy eyes at the thought of what she was about to say to you.

“Is the real Angel,” you say, finishing the sentence that she was going to say. Poppy doesn’t normally share her thoughts with you, opting to keep them to herself. But at that moment, she was too angry to keep herself in that white bubble that she finds comfort in.

“That isn’t what I meant, I’m sorry I thought that. We all struggle, we are all tempted. Every Angel is, if we were not there, would be no fallen Angels. Although what I said about the sin being considered Sloth was true, I really cannot judge you for it, as what I struggle with the most is wrath. You have seen it more than I’d have liked. Please forgive me, don’t take what I say out of anger as truth. Only you know your true intentions, all we can do is try to be better. It doesn’t all happen at once,” Poppy says with an apologetic tone. You can’t lie that what she said and thought didn’t hurt your feelings, but you knew she was sorry. You know that much. If you had seen half of what she has seen, you would likely struggle with wrath too. After the argument, you feel nonverbal, so you opt to go and give her a hug to show her that you aren’t mad. You both stay like that for a while, and for once, Poppy lays with you. You aren’t sure if she falls asleep, but you wake up in her arms. You know this is her way of apologizing and if you’re being honest, you’re grateful to have been held after what you have been through during your first day of assignment, even if she doesn’t know what truly transpired.

—

Once you wake up from your nap and Poppy goes to do what she had planned to do during her free time, you decide to go back to the prayer hall to read the scriptures. To anyone else, you would be just an Angel reading the Bible. Which would be true, but you’re reading for a slightly different reason. Who are these Kings of Hell. No one has told you nothing. You think it is crucial for you to know, you have learned of one of their existences, and you don’t think you want that to happen in that way again. Poppy said they don’t normally come out, and the man that night didn’t correct her, so it must be true. But what if they decide to come out one day, and you simply don’t know. You still haven’t encountered a Demon since that night. Obviously, you know how to spot one, but if a King of Hell can look like, not a Demon? Then how are you supposed to know. You felt that same man last night, but you still don’t know his name. Aren’t you supposed to know their names, and it gives you leverage over them? You think about that, you aren’t sure how true it is, but you remember it being talked about from the second Conjuring movie. You laugh to yourself, getting information about Demons from a movie that you saw before you died. Comical.

You read for hours and find nothing. Obviously, the seven sins themselves are talked about, but not the Kings who rule over them. Why are there eight Kings but seven deadly sins? This makes no sense, and you wish someone would just tell you. “Angel,” a gruff voice calls from behind you. You look behind your shoulder to see none other than Angel Zen himself.

“Yes, Angel Zen,” you reply softly to the man who seems to be in a good mood currently.

“Reading scriptures for fun?” he questions, an eyebrow raised. You don’t even know if this Angel has the capability of being in a good mood. Alas, you keep a curt smile on your face while speaking with him.

“Not for fun, but to learn. You can never read too much when it comes to scriptures,” you answer, hoping that the conversation will end soon.

“That is correct, Angel. The orchestra will start soon, so go get ready for prayer,” he instructs before shooing you away with his hand. After the interaction, you walk to your room to get clothes before walking to the showers. As you enter the orchestra, music begins to play, and Angels begin entering the showers. As the showers fill, you begin to wash off with the soap and wash rag. You know the whole point of no scent in the soap is so you will only smell like your scent, but every so often you miss being able to wash yourself with soap that smelled like cotton candy or something magical like that. As you finish your shower and are leaving to go back to your room to get ready for the prayer, Poppy comes in. She smiles at you brightly before going to the shower that you just occupied. If you see her tonight before your assignment, it will only be briefly after the prayer.

The walk to your room was short, and you didn’t really have much to do to get ready for prayer. You decided to bring a cross with you this time instead of the Bible. Honestly, you’re a bit nervous to going out tonight, so the cross will help with your fidgeting during the prayer. If you’re being honest you want answers, but you know the likelihood of you getting them is not strong, but you just wish you could know what everyone else does.

—

And just as quick as the prayer started, it ended just as swiftly. You’re used to looking over your shoulder to see Poppy, but she hasn’t quite made it to you yet. She’s walking your way and as you go up to meet her, she walks right past. She didn’t even look your way. You look around for the only other Angel that you know, Angel Zen. Once you find him, you make brief eye contact before he moves his gaze back to the Angel he was just speaking to.

You sprint back to your room to find Poppy. Once you enter, you see her back, as she is clawing through the drawers with an urgency that you haven’t seen in years. “Poppy,” you cried out, tears threatening to fall down your eyes. She turns around and glances at you but does not make eye contact. Without a word, she is gone. Likely having transported herself to her assignment.

You fall to the floor, your lower limbs having given out on you. Your throat feels like it is closing, and your spit is falling out of your mouth as you sob. ‘Poppy, what did I do wrong, please Poppy’ you ask through your bond, hyperventilating in the position you find yourself in. You try to get up to go to your bed, Poppy having decided not to respond to you. As you’re walking to where your bed sits, your vision gets no better. Your sight is going in and out, and your head is getting lightheaded. You feel your body give out, you come back to reality as soon as your head hits the floor, only having passed out for a few seconds. You opt to lay there because you know you are not strong enough to hold your body up right now. You think of Dina, and how she would help you during your panic attacks.

“Hey Dina, we have the same schedule this week,” you cheered, happy that you and your best friend will see each other a lot the following week. Your best friend jumps up and down with her hands cupping her face, sharing the same excitement. Working at the bakery shop was fun, especially when it was the graveyard shift. All you and Dina did was bake throughout the night, and doing light decorating. The morning shift would come in and do more thorough decorating.

“The owner said we have to bake this huge cake tonight, to not even worry about the small stuff, that he would come in and bake those later in the shift,” Dina says with wide eyes.

“Jeez, how big is the cake?” you question Dina, never has your owner came in to make baked goods. Your manager, sure. The owner? Never.

“We’ll have to see once we get there,” Dina says, and you both walk out the door with pep in your steps because you have got to see what this cake is all about.

“Dina, this is not what I was expecting,” you say with your mouth agape in shock. This cake has so much to it. It’s a gigantic house, three stories. Chocolate, vanilla, red velvet, and strawberry were the flavors that you had to use. But not one part of the cake had to be a certain flavor, but one room in the house had to be a swirl of all the flavors? What an odd request. “I feel bad for who has to frost the cake, they want eight different colors for their frosting. They also want it swirled for that one room,” you tell Dina, still in shock.

“Who even ordered this anyway?,” Dina asks while looking at the ticket, “Kang Yeosang”, Dina says while popping her tongue against the roof of her mouth.

“Well Kang Yeosang better tip us a million fucking dollars Dina,” you laugh to yourself.

“He better, he definitely has a lot of money. Now let's get to baking, the owner of the whole bakery didn’t say not to worry about anything else tonight for a reason.

You and Dina spend the next twelve hours baking the odd request, whenever it got hard you found yourself cursing the man who ordered it because truly, why did he need such an absurd cake? Alas, you have finished baking everything, now all that is left is for the other bakers to frost it and put it together. You really hope this Yeosang dude likes this cake. And will actually pay for it. It would be unfortunate if he didn’t.

As you and Dina move to leave the kitchen, you bump into the table and one of the pieces falls on the floor. You gasp and look at Dina with fear in your eyes, which has replaced the sleepiness you were feeling prior. Your legs begin to give out, and you begin to hyperventilate, and your heart is beating so fast that you fear it may fall out of your chest.

“Hey lovie, you’re okay, listen to my voice,” Dina says in a hope to calm you down.

“I fu-fuc-fucked it all up Dina. I’m going to g-get fired, and I can’t get fi-fired,” you choke out, stuttering on your words as spit begins to still in your throat. Dina rubs your back and engulfs you in a hug, making sure that the fluorescent lights of the room are out of your line of vision.

“Hey, I know it is frustrating, but mistakes happen. And what fell on the ground was sphere shaped, no one will be mad at that for falling. There is a reason why no one orders sphere shaped cakes,” Dina coos into your ear softly, still rubbing your back, “If anything, we should blame the man who ordered the cake. What was his name? Oh right, Kang Yeosang. It’s all his fault. Big ass cake for a small ass bakery shop,” Dina mocks, causing you to laugh into her chest.

“I’m sorry Dina,” you mumble, having calmed down.

Dina playfully turns her head, “Nothing to be sorry for lovie, now I’ll go tell the owner, and you can put in four more sheets of vanilla batter in the oven. The other bakers don’t even get here until another hour, it’ll be okay,” Dina says soft but clearly before leaving the room.

The owner wasn’t mad, but made a mental note to put the spheres into a container so they wouldn’t fall again. The cakes are ready before you and Dina leave for the day, so you take them out of the oven so they can cool before leaving with Dina after clocking out. You and Dina walk together with your arms interlocked on your way home, ready for the sleep that you are about to have.

“I miss Dina,” you sigh to yourself. The memory is a fond one and it helped you calm down after your panic attack. You haven’t had one in a while, but when you did, Poppy was the one who helped you through it. Now, she caused it. But you don’t dwell on the thought for too long, you know you’re already late to your assignment. You just wish you knew what you did wrong.

—

The kids appear to be sleeping soundly in their beds. “It should be a good night,” you think to yourself before situating yourself next to the toddler. You opt to sit on the floor and just play with his hair instead of laying with him, you hope this will keep his nightmares at bay just as well.

You wonder if he will come again tonight. You sigh and roll your eyes to yourself, still not knowing what name to put with that man you saw four years ago. “Why can’t I just know his name?,” you mumble to yourself quietly. And like he knew your thoughts and could hear that whisper the scent of cinnamon began to fill your nostrils. You close your eyes and try to ignore it. It is hard, the scent has gotten strong in a short amount of time. You wonder if the kids can smell it? Surely, they have to. After a minute or so, you’re hoping that he — or at least the scent, will go away. The noise of poking at the window startles you, causing you to look that way. The same man from all those years ago is situated on the other side, you meet his gaze, and he smiles cheekily at you.

“Come see me Cherry, it’s been a while,” he urged. You think about it, you have been wanting to know more about him, but you aren’t supposed to speak to him. You could call Poppy and tell her a King of Hell has found you again, but she definitely does not want to talk you right now. “Please, Cherry,” the man begs, asking again. You get up and walk to the window, being mere inches away from the man, the only thing separating you was glass that you knew he could break if he really wanted to. You look at him, but he doesn’t make eye contact, he’s studying you, taking in your features after all these years.

You can see he is about to speak, about to ask you a question and fear suddenly envelops you. He pokes at the window to get your attention, nodding his head to the side to ask you what’s wrong. You break the eye contact suddenly feeling embarrassed. “Hey Cherry, let me—,” you shut the curtains in his face before he can finish his statement, “Come on,” the man shouts in shock. The man’s reaction causes you to laugh, and you can’t seem to control your laughter either, replaying what you think his face would’ve looked like in your mind. “Cherry, you think this funny, but I have been waiting to see you for years,” the man stumbles over his words, obviously shocked that you closed the curtains in his face. “So you can come over to see me, but you can’t speak?,” the man inquires, hoping that you will answer. He doesn’t know that you’ve already situated yourself back with the sleeping toddler, but his continues efforts to converse with you do make you chuckle. “Okay you may not answer me, but I’m not leaving,” he says one last time before going silent.

He stays true to his word, the longer the night goes the more sparse his attempts at talking to you are. He does, in fact, not leave, the smell of cinnamon fills your nostrils until you transport yourself back to Heaven. He doesn’t even leave when you pray over the children throughout the night, he was one persistent Demon.

—

Once you are back in Heaven, you go straight to your room to get ready for your shower. You don’t expect to see Poppy, and you are correct. She isn’t there and neither are her things. Not even your bed. You contemplate being sad for a second, but it isn’t worth it. You shrug at the sight before going to the showers to wash away the smell of cinnamon that you know lingers on your skin.

Once you enter the showers, there are only two open. One next to Poppy and another next to another Angel who you do not know the name of. You had always showered next to Poppy because you aren’t allowed to be friends with any other Angels, but if she can be petty, then so can you. You walk right past Poppy, and you can feel her eyes on you, but you don’t pay her any mind. ‘What are you doing, Blossom,’ the nerve she has, speaking through to you through your bond. You don’t reply or give any indication that you even heard the thought, continuing to wash your hair and your body quickly. Once you are finished, you walk back to your room. You’ve decided to bring your Bible and your cross with you to prayer today. Your cross to squeeze in your hand and the Bible to remind you that you are, in fact, in a prayer hall.

You walk to the prayer hall, taking your normal spot. You actually try to pray with everyone else today because if you don’t, you think you may blow up. ‘Blossom,’ you hear through your bond with Poppy. It takes everything in you to not whip your head around and look in your direction, but you don’t. You keep your composure in the prayer hall, you hope that prayer is done soon because you feel like you need to scream into the void of the Earth. ‘Angel Blossom to you, only speak to me if it is important,’ you reply through your bond.

Once the prayer ends you book it straight to your room, you definitely need to scream into the pillow. Once you enter your room and shut your door, it is being reopened just moments later. Poppy is standing in the doorway, where she stays for a few seconds before fully coming in and closing the door behind her. “We have to talk,” Poppy exclaims, taking a few steps towards you.

“No fucking shit, Poppy. Of course, we have to talk,” you bite back, venom lacing your voice.

“You don’t curse in Heaven, Angel,” Poppy replies, her forehead creasing with anger.

“And you’re in Heaven too and that hasn’t stopped you from acting like an asshole, so that’s that, Poppy. Nice talk,”

“Don’t be like that,” Poppy replies, her face having became softer in the past few seconds.

“Don’t be like what? Be forced to be someone’s friend that someone isn’t allowed to have more friends besides you. Hmmm.. What else? Oh! Out of nowhere, stop talking to them and move out of your shared room for the past few years in less than twenty-four hours after ignoring them! Yes, let’s not be like that, Poppy,” you hiss, not caring for who could hear you at that moment.

“You got too comfortable, and my rank increased. I had to move,” Poppy says, glancing at the floor.

“Too comfortable? I live uncomfortably in here,” you whisper this, just loud enough for Poppy to hear.

“I’m sorry. We still have our bond, so call if you need. I couldn’t answer today due to being in a meeting, but don’t call for me unless it is urgent. And for God’s sake, tell that Demon to leave you alone. Don’t fall because of him,” Poppy says with urgency in her voice.

“You weren’t in a meeting. I saw you leave. Don’t lie to me, and what Demon are you talking about” you question Poppy.

“Don’t play stupid, everyone can smell his scent on you. He’s the King of Hell for crying out loud, his scent lingers even if you don’t touch him. And I needed to go to an important meeting, excuse me for having misspoke,” Poppy retorts.

“Whatever Poppy. Maybe if you actually talked to me before assuming stuff you would know I haven’t talked to nor felt that Demon. The reason I smelled like cinnamon today was because the kids mother made a homemade cinnamon inspired dish and their father got mad, and he threw them at the kids because the two youngest started to cry,” you respond, the lie easily falling from your lips. You glance at Poppy, and she is believing it. “And I stepped in front of them so they would have time to move out of the way so they wouldn’t get burned by the hot food. Of course, it still went through me, but it distorted time just enough to give them enough time to get out of the way. So excuse me for doing my job as a Guardian Angel, Poppy. You can tell anyone that story who doubts me. They know just as well as you do that Earthly scents linger. So stop projecting your worries onto me, I can handle myself,” you say to Poppy in a mocking tone, laughing to yourself as you speak.

“You can handle yourself so well, very funny coming from the one who killed themselves,” Poppy hissed.

“Get out,” you shout at the Angel before throwing the wooden cross in your hand at her, she teleported just in time to not get hit by the cross. You aren’t even sad at her statement, but just angry. You feel betrayed, she knew how much that fact about yourself haunted you, but she used it against you in a moment of anger anyway. If you knew better you would say that wasn’t her at all.

—

During your leisure time between assignments you didn’t have to stay in Heaven. You opted to do so because of the dangers that you had been warned of, but now you don’t really care. So you decide to go out to Earth during your spare time, albeit you find yourself on the peer. You lean against the new wood that was used to fix what you broke all those years ago.

“Cherry,” after hearing the nickname that you have come a bit to accustomed to when you ventured down to the Earth, you whip your head around towards the voice. The man leans against the peer with you, his body is turned towards you and not the water. You look back out the water instead of answering him, taking in the smell of the sea. “Still not talking to me pretty?,” questioning you softly.

“I would, but you’re a bit mean,” you exclaim, still not moving your gaze towards him.

“I am not!,” he says in a surprised tone, which makes you look at him. You giggle at his reaction, his mouth opened in shock at your statement. He definitely was offended.

“A King of Hell isn’t mean? I should talk to the other seven to let them know you aren’t doing your duty of being a big bad wolf?,” he rolls his eyes at you dramatically, turning to look at the water.

“Okay now you know that is not what I meant,” he retorts.

“How else was I supposed to take it then?,”

“I am not mean to you my little cherry blossom,”

“I feel flattered,” you say sarcastically

“You should,” the man says before taking a couple of steps, “what are you even doing down at Earth when you aren’t on assignment?,”

“It isn’t forbidden for me to come down to Earth during my free time you know?,”

“Yes, I know. But it is odd, coming to this space in specific,”

You know why it is odd, the peer is empty when it would normally be full of people. “How come?,”

“You really don’t know?,” he questions you. You shake your head no to him in response.

“A few years back, someone drove off the peer. The city fixed it but no one ever really comes besides paranormal investigators and teenagers who decide it’s cute to do a Ouija board,” the man explains.

“That’s so sad,” you say sorrowfully, “Does that person ever answer their calls? You know the teenagers and paranormal investigators?,”

“No,” he sighs, “they were always an enigma,”

His words pique your interest, you had never really talked about the surroundings of your death before. “How so? If you don’t mind me asking, of course,” You question.

“Well to me, they were an enigma from the start. I wanted to see the body because when someone dies they have a marking that shows if their soul went to Heaven or Hell. For Hell, it’ll have that marking with a number, the number showing which ruler you spend eternity with,” he pauses to look down at the ocean, “the person who killed themselves had the marking of Hell with an infinity sign and the sign of Heaven,”

The revelation that he makes to you makes the blood in your body run cold. You’re glad that he was not looking at you, and you were not looking at him because the look on your face would have given you away instantly.

“That is really strange, did you try looking for them?” you question, thankful that the anxiety you felt could not be shown in your voice.

“We never tried, Heaven is quick to come to find the people who are meant to go there. I just wonder what they said when they saw the symbol of Hell with an infinity sign next to us. None of us Kings could ever figure out what that meant,” he sighs, “Did you ever see them?,” he questions.

“No, if I’m being honest I don’t think any Angel has,” they definitely haven’t, no one knows your true story. “But for something like that, I don’t think it’d be made known,”

“You’re right. They have a memorial plaque at the entrance of the peer. Did you see it?,”

“No,”

The man gestures you to follow him down the peer towards the entrance. The plaque has a picture that you and Dina had taken together a couple of months before your death’s, both of your names, with a simple “Rest Easily” engraved on it as well.

“I thought there was only one person who passed away in this tragedy?,” you ask while looking at the plaque.

“There was only one, but both of them died that night. They were best friends. The dispatch call was made public, I just don’t think they could live without her,” his words sting, but they hold true. “You know, their dad got on the television crying over their death,” he states, voice having now gone monotone.

What the Hell. What in the actual Hell. “I just think that, if you’re a good dad, your child wouldn’t disown you, you know?,” He looks at you after he stops talking.

“I agree, did he say they didn’t talk?” you question.

“Yes, the whole interview was a bit bizarre. I just know Hongjoong will be the one dealing with him once he dies,” he grumbled.

You look up at him, a bit confused about what he means by the name. Who is Hongjoong?

“Hongjoong is the King of Kings when it comes to Hell. Although seven of the eight of us rule over specific sins, he rules over them all. He’s the most important one,” You nod at his explanation, deciding not to ask more questions. He will tell you if he'd like.

“Where did she go?,” your curiosity getting the better of you once you focus back on the plaque.

“Her death was something different, difficult to explain. But let’s not talk about it,”

This saddens you, he wouldn’t have a problem telling you she went to Hell, so you don’t understand why he is being so secretive now.

“May I ask you a question, Mr. King of Hell?,” He chuckles at the name you gave him, but nods at you nonetheless.

“Still don’t know my name?,” he asks, and you nod, looking away as the embarrassment creeps up on your cheeks.

“Can you take me to where she is buried?,”

“Which one?,”

You weren’t expecting him to ask that question. “Dina,”

“Yes, we’ll have to walk through since I cannot teleport you there,”

“You’re right about that, I’d have nowhere to go if I became a fallen Angel,” you joke.

“You’d come to Hell with me,” he remarked like it was obvious.

The rest of the walk is spent in silence until you come upon a cemetery. Once you get to her grave, your body almost becomes too much for your feet to handle. You hold your composure, you really wish the Demon wasn’t with you right now so you could cry.

“I don’t feel anything,” you whispered. You sit down at her grave, before your feet end up failing you.

The Demon sits down next to you, but far enough away that you wouldn’t be in danger of touching him. “You don’t usually feel anything, Cherry,” acknowledging what you whispered to yourself.

You get up quickly, the feeling of the cemetery becoming too overwhelming. “I need to go, thank you for today,” you muttered quickly before transporting yourself to back to Heaven. You didn’t even give him a chance to speak back, but you really didn’t feel like crying in front of a Demon today.

—

You arrived in Heaven right on time, the orchestra having started mere moments after transporting into your room. You didn’t realize how long you had been out, but at least you weren’t late. You do your usual routine, no Poppy in site. Not that you really cared too much, but you still looked for the familiarity. She also hasn’t graced the prayer hall with her presence either, which is odd.

If you’re being honest, you really do miss Poppy. Being bonded with her means that you miss her subconsciously, as she to you.

“Everyone listen up,” Angel Zen announces, “I want to make sure everyone is paying attention today as God has a message that, I think, would be crucial for some of you to hear,” he makes eye contact with you as he says it which causes chills to run up your spine.

“Everything you do, God knows. Every conversation you have, God hears. Everything you feel, God feels. Everything you see, God sees as well. Every single Angel in this room is privileged to be an Angel. Don’t forget it. Don’t be reckless,” Angel Zen commanded.

The rest of the prayer goes by as normal, but you can’t shake that feeling that you get when you think about the words that Angel Zen said to begin the prayer. It’s a reality check, you can’t keep doing what you are doing. After finding out the information that you did earlier, you truly think you’d be fucked. The symbol of Hell with an infinity sign? You’d surely be in the deepest pits of Hell right now if it weren’t for your Guardian Angel.

Once the prayer ends, you walk to your room to retrieve your cross and your Bible to take with you on assignment, you can’t take any more risks with that Demon. Although you’re nervous, you have a job to do.

—

Once you arrive at your assignment, you find the baby is awake. You have always had a soft spot for kids, so you are grateful that you are a Guardian Angel for them. You don’t want the baby to cry, so you do your best to help the baby girl fall asleep quickly.

The knocks on the window shock you, almost causing you to scream. Your energy is enough to wake the kids up if you are not calm, so it is really irritating when that Demon scares you. Seriously, you have to ask him what he did with his scent. You didn’t smell it when he was with you earlier. At least you knew he was coming then. You ignore it, but his knocks do not pause. Eventually, you walk up to the window.

“Go away,” you ordered, trying your best to sound serious.

“Let me in,” he requested.

“No,”

“After everything I did for you today?,” he asked with a pout.

You hate that he was right, he did a lot for you today. But you did bring a cross and a Bible… so maybe he can’t come near you anyway. You flash the Bible and the cross at him, to which he rolls his eyes. Now that was rude, you thought to yourself.

“That doesn’t bother me. I’m not a vampire,” he says matter-of-factly.

“Fine, come in,” you mutter under your breath, instantly he is in the room with you. He smirks at you after getting his way.

“What are their names?,”

“The kids? I’m not telling you,” you stated.

“And why not?,”

“Because you still haven’t told me yours,”

“Wow, you would think they would’ve told you our names, or at least mine after I scared the living daylights out of your friend,”

“You’re telling me,”

“Take a guess, you could get it right,”

“Hmm… You want to know what you look like?,”

“Yes,”

“You look like a buffoon,”

“That’s mean,”

“You asked me to guess,”

“You’re not like any Angel I’ve ever met Cherry,”

“For my sake, please don’t elaborate,”

“I won’t,”

For a while, the two of you don’t continue the conversation. You sit in the silence for a while, you hold the hand of the toddler while the Demon sits by the crib, watching you.

“Which sin do you think I rule over?,” the Demon asks.

“Well, you said that all of you don’t really come out often, but out of the seven sins it would make the most sense for gluttony and lust to come to Earth. And you’re a bit of a flirt, so I’d say you rule over lust,” you answered, not expecting to be correct. One thing you have learned over the years is that not everything is as it seems.

“Correct,” he said happily.

“Wow, I wasn’t expecting to be right,”

“You’re smart Cherry,”

His compliment makes you blush, and you’re glad that he doesn’t tease you. “Their names are Eric, Sebastian, and Ariel. Like The Little Mermaid,” you say to distract from your nervousness

“It fits them perfectly, don’t you think?,” he questions, looking back at the crib.

“Yes,” you whispered.

“My name is Wooyoung,” his voice trembled as he spoke, like he was afraid that his name would steer you away. His name was beautiful, and you couldn’t hide the grin that plastered your face once he told you his name.

“You have a beautiful name,” you reassure him.

“Are you afraid to say it?,” Wooyoung quips.

“If I say it three times will you show up?,”

“No,” the man chuckles, “I can show up when you say it once, if you say it with the intent of wanting me to show up,” Wooyoung informs you.

“That is nice to know, no one really tells me anything,”

“Do they really keep Angels ignorant on Hell and its beings?,” Wooyoung questions.

“Yes, at least me,” you tell him, not caring about the cons of doing so.

“May I ask you a question Cherry?,”

“Yes,”

“Why do they keep you ignorant, if they know a King of Hell is out to get you?,”

“They probably want you to take me away,” you say before realizing the words that have fallen from your mouth. You put your hand over your mouth like it would’ve taken back what you said, but it wouldn’t. The tears fall from your eyes before you can stop them.

“Cherry, please don’t cry. Why would you think Heaven doesn’t want one of its Angels?,” he says, trying to comfort you.

“I can’t say,” you whisper, looking up at the man who is now a lot closer to you than he previously was. “I’ve already told you too much,”

“You can tell me anything and everything,”

“I can’t,”

“Why can’t you?,”

“Because, you’re a King of Hell, and I’m a Guardian Angel. That isn’t a good combination,”

“It doesn’t have to be that way,”

“What do you want with me anyway,”

“Do you remember what I told you the first time we met,”

“That you were searching for the love of your life?,”

“Yes, what does that have to do with me Wooyoung?,”

“Just listen to me, the eight other Kings and I are destined to have the same lover,”

“You are all dating each other?,”

“No, we are all destined to be with the same person,”

“Like a poly relationship?,”

“Yes,”

“So eight people dating one person?,”

“Yes, Cherry,”

“Well I am happy for you, but I’m still confused on how I am involved, do you need me to help you look for them? I figured you’d have enough people who’d be willing to do that for you anyway,” you scoff.

“Cherry, it’s you,” his words leave you baffled. There is no way you are a soulmate to a King of Hell, let alone eight.

“Get out,” you hiss.

“Let me explain,”

“Get out,”

“If you wish, but I’ll be near, you know that,”

“Get out,”

—“Cherry, please don’t cry. Why would you think Heaven doesn’t want one of its Angels?,” he says, trying to comfort you.

“I can’t say,” you whisper, looking up at the man who is now a lot closer to you than he previously was. “I’ve already told you too much,”

“You can tell me anything and everything,”

“I can’t,”

“Why can’t you?,”

“Because, you’re a King of Hell, and I’m a Guardian Angel. That isn’t a good combination,”

“It doesn’t have to be that way,”

“What do you want with me anyway,”

“Do you remember what I told you the first time we met,”

“That you were searching for the love of your life?,”

“Yes, what does that have to do with me Wooyoung?,”

“Just listen to me, the eight other Kings and I are destined to have the same lover,”

“You are all dating each other?,”

“No, we are all destined to be with the same person,”

“Like a poly relationship?,”

“Yes,”

“So eight people dating one person?,”

“Yes, Cherry,”

“Well I am happy for you, but I’m still confused on how I am involved, do you need me to help you look for them? I figured you’d have enough people who’d be willing to do that for you anyway,” you scoff.

“Cherry, it’s you,” his words leave you baffled. There is no way you are a soulmate to a King of Hell, let alone eight.

“Get out,” you hiss.

“Let me explain,”

“Get out,”

“If you wish, but I’ll be near, you know that,”

“Get out,”

—

It’s been an hour or so since you kicked the man out, and you should feel bad. You just couldn’t grasp how he came to that realization. He didn’t know you and you didn’t know him. You haven’t even known his name for a full day yet, and he’s telling you that you’re destined to be the soulmate of eight Demons? As a Guardian Angel? He is out of his mind.

You begin to cry out of frustration, you knew his interest in you was weird, but you didn’t expect this. You are glad he found you when you were an Angel and not a human because had he found you earlier, he likely wouldn’t have hesitated to take you back to Hell.

He surely didn’t think it through, he could end up hating you. Or the other Kings. Then what? Do they kill you? Torture you for eternity? For someone as old as him he should know better. He should have known you would never go with him.

As soon as the sun comes up, you know it’s time for you to go back. You hope he will leave you alone, and you hope to put this behind you.

—

As soon as you reach Heaven, you go to find Angel Zen. As much as you hated asking for help, you knew you needed his. You go to the prayer hall, not even bothering to shower yet. You see him talking to another Angel towards the front of the prayer hall.

“Angel Zen, I need your help,” you shout, causing the other Angel to run off somewhere.

“Why are you in here unbathed?,”

“I apologize, but I need your help,”

“What do you need?,”

“I need a new assignment, I need something else to do, please believe me,”

“Why is that?,”

“Please, I have already lost everything,”

“Once you start playing with fire, you need to learn how to hose yourself off,”

You fall to your knees as sobs begin to fall down your mouth, you didn’t know what else to do. You don’t know how to save yourself, you’re alone in this battle.

“I will see what I can do, it is challenging to find an Angel to take your spot. Every Angel has its purpose. Angels fall every day, so it makes it harder. But you are strong, resisting lust’s charm. I will try since you are such a strong little Angel. But next time, don’t mess with something that you know you can’t handle,”

Relief fills your being as you hear that Angel Zen will help you. Although he was still his same unkind self, he was willing to help you. A human quality of stubbornness helped you in a time of need, which you are grateful.

“Now go shower. Never come in the prayer hall with the smell of Earth on you ever again,” Angel Zen commands as he points to the exit of the prayer hall. You are out instantly, going straight to get your clothes and going to the showers. You wash off the contents of the day before going back to the prayer hall with your Bible in hand.

Once you enter the prayer hall, you sit down in your assigned spot. You begin to read the Bible to pass the time before the actual prayer starts. You have to become more serious with this — more believing. Or Angel Zen’s help would have been in vain. If anything, you know when to be grateful. Even though you are sure that your relationship with Poppy is irreparable, her faith in God is admirable as an Angel. You aspire to believe in the way she does, maybe if you did you wouldn’t have gotten in this mess at all.

Once the prayer ends, you feel empty. Poppy is still nowhere to be seen and instead of her walking up to you, it is Angel Zen.

“I have been able to find a replacement but not for tonight. Can you handle one more night on your assignment?,” Angel Zen questions.

“Yes, sir, I can handle one more night on assignment,” you answer honestly.

“Okay. Don’t let the Demon become any of the wiser. Come to me after you finish the assignment,”

“Yes sir,”

After your conversation with Angel Zen, you go straight to your room to recuperate. Perhaps now, you can become more focused on what is more important. Maybe you can see Poppy. But at least you know that after tonight, you will no longer have to see that Demon again.

tags:

@multifictionx @pre1ttyies @hecateslittlewitchling @adorawritesalot @unlikelysublimekryptonite @loumin908 @kirbrary @sunasmoke22 @ylak @yoonshiiu

[mumifyy]

A Heartfelt gift 💝

(Vox x Anxiety!reader) Part 2 of “I love you”.

⚠️Warning⚠️, This is recommended for mature audiences only. Read at your own risk.

————

Warning: BIG Violence, kinda implied NSFW?, blood, use of weapons (his sharp ass hands), Yandere tendencies, murder, ⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️Valentino⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️🤮, torture, no use of pronouns, not proof read, mentions of panic attacks, gore,

————

A/N: Finally decided to stop procrastinating and get this done before I totally forget lmao, I hope this ain’t ttoooooo much but it’s just what I thought Vox would do if his lover was attacked by Valentino, gross 🤢 (Valentino makes me want to pull out his arms and use his fingers to glue onto his bald ass head for hair 😒) ((I hate that mf with my entire being I swear.)) 🙏😭 please read the notice at the very end it’ll make sense (I hope)

Hopefully Y’all like the little treat I have for y’all at the end 😜

————

A yawning breath escaped your lips, your eye fluttering open from your slumber as you rolled over, your fingers gracing your phone to open it, seeking the knowledge of the time.

12:55 PM

“Damn…” You mumbled out in the quietness of you and your boyfriend’s shared bedroom. You sat up in bed, opening your phone to see a notification just from a few hours prior from your lovely spouse.

“Good morning my love, I hope you slept well despite last night. I’ve got a little surprise for you later today so I hope you’re ready for it. If you need me just call me and I’ll answer.”

Delivered 9:21 AM.

God you loved him. Your lips curled into a soft smile, your soft cheeks lightening up with a pink hue as you stared at the heartfelt message.

“Good morning my favorite TV, thank you for helping me last night and I’m excited for the surprise :D!!! I love you and have a good day Voxxxx :3” Delivered 12:58 PM.

You yawned and swung your legs off the bed, standing up and walking over to your bathroom to brush your teeth and freshen up for the day. The soft padding of your feet against the floor filled the silence in the room as you picked up your phone to play your favorite songs while you get dressed. Today felt to be like a great day already, usually, Vox in his line of work wouldn’t be able to spend time with you much as you and Vox both hated to admit it. But to see he had some time for you brightened your day up quickly as it started. You decided to wear something more formal today considering your surprise with Vox. A black turtle neck sweater with thin stripes from your boyfriend’s closet, paired with a black denim jean skirt/baggy dress pants and black pantyhose/or none. And of course your favorite thick black red bottomed thick chunky heels/Black red bottomed dress shoes. And of course your necklace with Vox’s name. He loved it when you wore it. And for the final touches you put on earrings that resembled Vox’s antennas.

You stepped out of your shared room, checking the time in your phone to see if you had any free time before he comes home. Just then, your phone buzzed to life with a notification from sinstagram, the notification kept you busy as you walked down the hallway outside of your penthouse. You jumped out of your skin when somebody hugged you from behind, turning around and being met with a familiar TV headed man you loved.

“Hey love-“ Vox cut himself off, looking you up and down. “Damn sweetheart.. don’t make me take you here right here right now.” He grinned, a perverted blush forming in his cheeks while you flushed and looked away dumbfounded. “Come sweet girl.” He whispered to you, taking your hand in his and taking you outside of the VVV tower and into the usual limo you guys road in, pulling you onto his lap as the limo started up and began to drive to whatever destination. “So what drove you to dress up so well for me dollface?” He raised a brow, a snarky smirk on his face. “Well you did say you had a surprise so I wanted to look good for it..” you replied, wrapping your arms around his neck to lay your head in his chest. “ah.” His chest rumbled with his reply. Time passed as the limo ran through the roads of Pentagram city, Your head lowered onto Vox’s chest not being able to notice to soft but crazed look in his eyes.

Finally, after exiting the Limo and following Vox, you found yourself infront of a cliff with peaceful waters swooshing below you. It was like a cheesy picnic date. Both you and Vox were sat down, eating both of your favorite foods together having a wholesome time together in hell, it was something you never thought you would have there in the violent place down below. After a while, Vox had asked you to stand up…

————

16 hours earlier…

Vox’s fans were speeding for miles. Trying to keep him from over heating like lava. He was pissed to say the least. He knew in the next room over, you were sleeping soundly in his bed. Currently, he was stomping his way over to the culprit of your panic attack, his screen was glitching constantly, his employees giving him worried or nervous glances as she stomped by, even going as far to shove an employee out of the way harshly. Sparks flew from his body, his teeth gritting against each other like they were cheese shredders. Soon enough, he reached his destination, Valentinos studio.

Angrily, Vox didn’t give two shits about how Valentino would react to him damaging his studio. As quickly as he came he smashed the door in causing one of the hinges to the door and rip the door frame, the door hanging in for dear life.

“Shit!”

“What the hell Vox?! Im in the middle of a shoot!” Valentino barked in anger, secretly turning pale by the deathly scary look in Vox’s eyes, he had personally never say that look in his eyes, besides when the Alastor tantrum occurred.“M̵̡͊͊̃̐͗̄Y̴̼͖̣͋ ̸̨͕̦͙̝͙̣̎͂́͛͘̕F̶̢̱͎̭̙͑͋͊-̴̡̧͖̤̠̘̹̀̒̾̋)̸̘͗͛̍̀̚$̸̧͕̘͕͓̪͑̎͆͑͊͜—̴͖̩̟̫͐̂͆͆̕͘Ǘ̶͇̅͛͐̾̍͒͌̏̏͜ͅU̵͇̩̭̥͍̘͈͗̋͗̌̌̐͠ͅŲ̴͖̘̞̼̬̣͔̺̾!̴͓̼̦̟̺͔͇͙̔̐̔͒̍͌́̎̚͝’̶̛͉̰̭͖̝̈͊̎͐n̶̡̨̛͎̹̯̱̕C̸͈̳̆̒̇K̴͕̺̦̎͊̑Ì̴͈̱̘̹̣̜̍̏̔͐̆̀̕͘N̸̗͎̄̅̓̀͘C̸͎͊̂ ̵̘̫̙̥͉̑͂̔̌͌̀͐͌Ǫ̴̥̖͈̯̂̐̈́̕-̷̹̺͑̄͊̒̔̕F̶̙͙̫̭̰̼͈̘̳͕̀͐̚F̶͈͍̟̦̤͓̞̗͛͑͐͋̐͆̅̽̚͘ͅ$̶̬̥͉̋̓̍̈͆̄̀͠ͅ)̷̛͉͓͉̀̔͒̉̍̅$̶̭̣̲̥̫̓̌̓̋—̵͓̗̬͋̓̒̚C̶̨͍̟͉̳̠̹̀͒̽͜͠͝ͅĘ̵͓̌̀̅̊̇ ̴̟̌̿́́͊͘N̴͙̖̳͋͑̾̈̈́̈́̈̀͗Ő̸̗̅͊̊̅̈͌͠6̷̡̧̩͙̳̂̍͆–̸̧͈͇̬̣̯̭̖̀̋̀̊̋̋̀̐͐ͅ7̷̪̦͋W̴̨͔̟͂̈́̈́̏̀̓̀͂͑͠.”

(My fucking office now)

Vox angrily glitched, his fans working overtime as they cooled his fiery mother board as best as they could. It was surprising how didn’t have to reboot himself, not like he’s already had to twice in the same 10 minutes. The room was silent, Valentinos workers scurrying out of the room quickly. Vox marched to Valentino and yanked him out of his directors chair, Valentino stumbling forwards with a dumbfounded look. “You fucking touched what was mine. Now I’ll take what’s yours.” Valentino looked at Vox confused, his heart beating in his chest. All of the air from his lungs were suddenly sucked out of him, Valentino gasping for air as he looked at a now bloody Vox. Valentino fell backwards onto his ass and gasped for air as the pain kicked in. His hands grasped at his chest from where the intense pain came from, looking down to be met with something he would never guess. A large hole. Where his ribs had been, no basically torn apart flaring with blue electricity. Vox had ran into a rage that drove him to rob apart Valentinos ribs and snatch his heart out. Leaving him breathless as he walked out of the studio, Valentinos heart slowly loosing its rhythm in his hand.

————

Present…

You stood up, looking down at Vox curiously with a glint in your oh so innocent eye. Vox stared at you lovingly, knowing you were all his, as he pulled out a small box and slowly opened it, a wave of tears and excitement filled you in an instant as you saw the ring in the box.

“My darling… the love of my life in the hell. (Name and last name), would you do me the great pleasure of sharing my last name with me?”

Vox said, looking up at you as he was on one knee, you were his lifeline, if you die, he dies. You were his heart, if you stop beating he stops too. He smiled as you cried and hugged him, falling down to your knees as you screamed yes over and over again like a mantra.

Vox cried with you, kissing you over and over like it would be his last, you were his, forever. His hands grasping at your cheeks as he smiled crazily, the blood still in his fingers as it smeared on your delicate cheeks, Valentino’s dead lifeless heart in your hands with your new found marriage worn on your ring finger, now covered in your assaulters blood. “Do you like my surprise my dear?” You stared into his lustful crazed eyes.

“I love it, it’s such…”

“A Heartfelt gift”

————

A/n: I hope y’all like it and it’s not too much gore and stuffs lol, I mean it is hell after all. Also I do not know if Vox has a last name or not, it just felt right to put that as what he said yk? And fuck ⚠️🤮Valentino🤮⚠️ (not like that nastys) cause he’s a bitch 🙃.

[hotchsreader]

For the Rest of My Life

Words: 1.5k

Reader has an anxiety attack at work, and Hotch helps her through it. Very soft Hotch.

You knew today was going to be a hard day. You woke up, hair caked to your forehead and your legs felt like jelly, like you were not meant to be walking on them. As you sat up, your entire room spun around and it took more than a couple minutes to ground yourself. You knew what to do in times like this, you had your useful skills learned over the years tucked away in the folder in your brain, but today it felt like the cabinet holding them was locked.

You walked into the bullpen, eyes foggy and head down. Usually, you greeted everyone with a happy and hopeful smile, but today that felt too hard. The muscles in your face felt like they would snap if you tried even to talk. Derek looked up at you, and over at Emily trying to gauge the problem, but Emily just shook her head no and let you sit at your desk, forget about all that was going on in your brain, and throw yourself into the reports that were due. You sat there for a few hours, with no one bothering you and your focused workspace. It was very easy when everything felt like this to throw yourself into work or a project because it makes the mind stay busy. It’s when you have nothing to do that everything feels like it's going to come crashing down around you. It’s when you have nothing to do that it creeps up to the surface and begins to slip out, mostly without your control.

You were so focused you didn't hear the familiar sound of steps creep up behind you until an arm was placed gently on your shoulder.

“Hey, I know what you’re doing, and I would like to see you in my office ASAP,” Hotch said to you, he leaned down to say it in your ear so no one else could hear. He knew that allowing everyone to hear what he said would make this all worse on your end.

You didn’t think twice, you got up from your workspace, pushed the chair in behind you, and followed closely behind him. You realized as you walked behind him how tall he was, and how well fitted his suits always are. You start to wonder where he buys them before you realize how far your mind has wandered in the minute it takes to get to his office.

“Have a seat, and tell me what's on your mind.” He sits in his chair and motions for you to sit down in the chair across from him. You feel the tears slip out before you even hit the chair. You knew this would happen at some point today, but Hotch actually taking the time to pay attention to you, to realize something was wrong enough to come out of his office and grab you, made the tears sting just a little bit more.

“Oh no, sweetheart what is going on?” He immediately jumped up and rushed around his desk to you the minute he saw the tears falling from your eyes.

“It's just… it's just a hard day for me is all.” You sniffled and tried to wipe your tears but he brushed your hand aside and wiped them for you. He placed his hand on your knee as he bent down beside you, looking up into your eyes.

“Is it your anxiety?” He asked, you could tell his voice was laced with concern. He would do anything to protect you, but it is hard to protect a person from their own mind. No matter how much he had tried to.

Your palms had started to become clammy, and you were shaking. The entire time you were trying to throw yourself into your work you had ignored what was going on inside your brain. In hindsight, that was a bad idea because now every little thing that happened alongside your anxiety was fighting its way out. You started to cry a little harder, your shoulder bobbing up and down as the sobs tormented you.

“What can I do honey? I’ll do whatever you need me to do.” Hotch was speaking in a soft, gentle tone. This was not the first time he had helped you through an anxiety attack. The second night you spent with him you realized you had forgotten to submit a report on the case you all had handled that week and started to panic. He calmed you down then by reassuring you that he was in charge of when they were due, and he absolutely believed you that it had been done you had just forgotten to submit it. You have never been one to turn something in late, even at work. The only thing about now, this was the first time you had an anxiety attack at work, and you have no idea why it was happening.

“Just stay with me, hold me.” Hotch grabs you, lifts you up, and takes you over to the couch in his office. He sits you down and runs over to his desk where he grabs tissues. He sits down in front of you on his knees, takes the tissue, wipes your eyes, under your eyes, and gives you a new one to blow your nose with. After you do this, he takes them all to the trashcan, returns to you sits down, and guides you where your head is on his lap and he is stroking your hair. He knows that laying down and having your hair stroked is one way to easily ground you, so you can return back to your normal state and are able to function again.

You clear your throat and ask, “How did you know something was up?”

He lets out a small laugh, “When you walked in. You didn’t look at anyone, you didn’t wave, and you didn’t even lift your head up to check if I was in my office like you always do. I let you have a little while, hoping you’d be able to pull yourself out of the trance you were in, but once I realized you couldn’t, I intervened.”

You shift, rolling yourself over, so you can get a solid look at the man. His forehead is creased, meaning he’s worried about you, and his hand hasn’t moved from your hair. He uses his other hand to rub your cheeks with his thumb and he hums your favorite song.

“Do you know what caused this anxiety attack?” He looks down at you with a half smile as you smile back at him, letting him know everything is getting easier. The pounding in your chest has started to ease up, but you can still feel your heart rate is pretty fast. If you got up now, you’d probably either pass out or your eyes would go blurry for a minute, preventing you from moving.

“Honestly, no. I woke up and felt very groggy and focusing to even get myself out of bed was tough. I haven’t had one of these episodes in a while, so I thought if I just worked through it, I could ignore it enough that it’d go away.” You now, roll your eyes at the thought. You had been dealing with anxiety since you were eleven years old. You had dealt with these types of episodes before, you had to face it head-on or it would just get worse. You learned your lesson this time.

“You could’ve just come to my office. You know I am always here for you. Always. I would have helped you get through this. You didn’t have to let it build up this badly.” He jokingly waved a finger in your face to symbolize you had been bad. This brought a hearty chuckle out of you, which in turn made him smile. Seeing Hotch smile could cure most things for you. He was a great man, a great dad, and a great boyfriend. He would do anything if it meant that you would be okay. You had just thought this one wouldn’t be as bad.

“I know, it’s just embarrassing to have to deal with this. I wish, I just wish I could be normal.” You let out a heavy sigh, as he looks at you.

“Hey, if having anxiety makes you not normal, what does having nightmares related to the things I’ve been through make me? We all have our demons, and we all have things that make us different from the people around us. There is absolutely no such thing as normal. Who you are, and I mean this, and everything about you makes you perfect to me. Anxiety included.” He says, completely serious.

You look up at him, sit yourself up, and place a soft kiss on his lips. He returns it, grabbing the back of your head to emphasize how much he means it.

“I wouldn’t have made it through this without you, Aaron Hotchner.” You smile, your mouth inches from his. He kisses you again, and bites your lower lip. You laugh.

“I wouldn’t have made it through a lot without you, if this is the way I can repay all you’ve done for me, I’ll do it for the rest of my life.”

[dudadragneel]

Hello, guys! It's me!

Since my creativity is off the roof, I am here to gift you with another Chan Sickfic!

Enjoy!

This one was 🍎's request!

Hi hi I’m new to ur account I get the sense that you write hurt comfort fics (thanks btw) it’s so rare to find ppl who appreciate that on here. I also saw that you take requests so I wanted to try my luck here. Can I request a fic where Chan is having a hard time with the whole long distance thing because he’s used to being w reader all the time and he’s been feeling sick and nauseous all day and so he can’t help but call reader in the middle of the night and She immediately knows something is wrong because he’d never usually call that late. She manages to get him to admit what’s wrong and tries to help him over the phone but he has to hang up to throw up. Then reader gets emotional because she can’t be with him when he feels so sick. So she drives all the way to be with him that night.

SO CLOSE YET SO FAR

Chan had been dating you for a few good years now and despite his packed schedule, he made sure to find time to be with you as much as possible. You had offered him to live with you but he politely declined stating that the kids needed him.

He had many reasons to try to be with you as much as possible, one was because he loved you with all his heart and the other was because he felt relaxed when he was with you. You provided him the same comfort he provided to the kids, STAYs, and you.

And the good point of all this was that you lived relatively close to the dorm so it was easy to come and go to each other's house.

However, there were times when he had schedules overseas that you couldn't attend, although you tried your best to accompany him as much as possible. Sometimes you had to travel to other cities away from your house and his dorm. And these were some of the hardest for both of you.

Today was no different, you were about 1hour away from the dorm, working on a new project and messaging Chan all the time, to make sure he was okay and talk about how your days went.

It had been 3 days since you left and he was starting to feel it, being used to seeing you almost every day, and considering how overwhelmed he was with his role as a leader, it wasn't easy for him.

And the cherry on top, he didn't know if he caught a bug, or if it was the food but his stomach began feeling weird during the afternoon. He noticed it as he was working in his bedroom, and it was gurgling loudly, making him burp every once in a while, but he managed to ignore it as much as he could and continued to work.

Then came dinner time, and he was feeling a little worse than before, a slight nausea starting to build up. But he needed to eat, or the boys would suspect something was wrong and the last thing he always wanted was to worry the kids.

And just like during the afternoon, he sat through dinner managing to eat an amount of food his stomach clearly didn't want or needed at that moment.

When he was done he went back to his room and the boys went to their bedrooms to sleep, being as exhausted as always.

Again, Chan continued to work on the songs despite his now more than obvious discomfort, his stomach angry at him for eating. If you were there, you'd keep him from working and get him to relax a bit, even if he didn't tell you he was feeling a bit sick.

As the night went on, he started feeling sleepy, he could no longer pay attention to the songs, and due to that they weren't turning out the way he wanted. Remembering that one time when this same process happened and he had a panic attack, he decided to call it a night and go to bed. He knew you'd be sleeping by now so he didn't call you but sent you a good night message.

He lay down on his bed and surprisingly, despite his stomach being angry at him, he fell asleep quite fast.

But about an hour later, the mild nausea he was feeling after having dinner, had now gotten strong. He woke up but didn't move from his position, and just felt his stomach churning and noticed he was a little too sweaty for cold weather.

He lifted himself up and drank a sip of cold water before lying down again.

However, that was far from being his smartest decision in life. That sip of water proved to be the last straw as the nausea got even worse and his stomach started contracting. His mouth started filling with saliva, a clear indicator that he would eventually throw up. But he knew that that could wake up some of the boys and the last thing he needed right now was his kids being worried about him.

He squeezed his eyes and covered them with his arm, the other resting on his stomach in an attempt to ease the churning feeling. His dinner and what felt like everything he ate that day were swirling inside, apparently jumping from time to time.

He tried his best to take deep controlled breaths as you did with him before but it wasn't exactly working.

Then once more saliva took over his mouth and he started swallowing convulsively, trying to keep everything in for as long as possible.

But he barely managed to control the urge when his stomach contracted one more time making a strong statement that if he didn't go to the bathroom right now, he'd be sick in his bed.

He grabbed his phone and got up, almost immediately regretting his decision as the motion seemed to have upset him even more.

Chan made his way to the bathroom with a hand clamping his mouth as strong as he could so he didn't vomit before reaching the bathroom.

He went to the sink and grabbed the edges tightly, trying to control his body. Looking at the mirror, his face was a bit pale and his curly hair was stuck to his forehead.

He ducked his head and squeezed his eyes taking deep breaths again, swallowing down whatever it was that was threatening to come out. He didn't want to be sick.

After a few agonizing minutes, his stomach seemed to have given him a break, with the nausea decreasing a little. Sometimes he'd deal with this on his own but now, not having you there with him was just worsening the situation. He didn't like the kids seeing him sick, but with you, his walls came down a little easier. And he so desperately needed you.

Yet still reluctant, he grabbed his phone and called you.

You woke up as soon as the phone rang and upon seeing who was calling you, you knew something was really wrong. Chan would never call you in the middle of the night unless he felt really bad.

- Baby? What's wrong?

- Hey, honey. Nothing, I'm fine...I was just missing you.

You could immediately notice that he was in the bathroom.

- Chan, please be honest.

- I am being honest. I was working on some music and then I remembered you-

He was cut off by a queasy burp he managed to muffle.

- Oh sweetie. We've been through this before. You don't have to be strong all the time, you don't have to put up a front with me, you can be weak.

No matter how much he wanted to hide how he was feeling, he'd called you for a reason and he felt safe with you.

- I don't feel good...

- What's happening?

- I've been feeling nauseous since the afternoon...

- Did you throw up? I can see that you're in the bathroom.

- No. I don't want to. I don't want to wake the kids.

Again he covered a queasy burp that brought up a small amount of liquid that he managed to swallow.

- Oh honey.

He closed his eyes and swallowed hard at the awful increasing feeling of dread that he was about to throw up.

You were getting anxious seeing him like this and being away, you had so little power to help him right now but you tried.

- Hey, baby. Listen to me, take deep breaths. With me, come on.

He tried following you through the phone, as you breathed with him. But it wasn't working.

You could see his expression changing, you noticed he'd gone a little green. He closed his eyes one more time and his his face on his arm, trying to control his body and you could see his Adam's apple bobbing up and down consecutively. You feared the worst and it happened.

Chan felt hot liquid rush up his throat and hit the back of his throat and he knew he wouldn't be able to hold it in this time.

When he felt his mouth filling he hurriedly hung up and reached for the toilet spilling out his dinner and a wet burp that followed brought a thicker stream of partially digested food.

You were taken aback when he hung up and started getting stressed over the fact that you weren't there for him. Your heart was almost beating out of your chest of worry and tears started swelling up in your eyes.

You knew he wouldn't ask the kids for help and you were worried this could escalate to a worse situation.

So you made the wisest decision at the moment, grabbed your stuff, and left a note to your friend, whose house you were staying at.

You decided to take the 1hour drive in the middle of the night to be with Chan because he needed you and he would only admit it to you.

In the dorms, Chan was on his second bout of vomiting all of the meals he had that day. He had a few breaks in between the rounds of vomit.

But to his demise, one of the members woke up to get water and heard retching sounds coming from the bathroom and noticed Chan's bedroom door open.

He knew the elders wouldn't want them worrying about him but he couldn't just sit still.

- Hyung? Chan-hyung?

Changbin said softly trying to knock on the door as quietly as possible.

Chan gulped down and tried to answer.

- 'm fine- Changbin-ah.

Changbin knew he wasn't and he wanted to help but he also knew Chan would be reluctant about it.

And as if on cue, you arrived at the dorm.

- Y/n!

- Hey, Changbin.

- What's wrong with Chan hyung?

- He's not feeling well. I'll take it from here, you can go back to sleep.

You said smiling and tapping his shoulder, he obeyed you and went back to his room.

You knocked on the bathroom door.

- Honey? It's me. Can I come in?

He wanted to answer but his stomach decided that he wouldn't as he retched wetly over the toilet and you took that as a sign to enter.

When you got in, you saw Chan leaning over the toilet vomiting for what seemed to be the third time, given how sweaty and red he was.

You rushed to him and kneeled next to him, one hand holding his head and his hair out of his eyes and the other rubbing his back up and down.

He barely looked at you when another gag brought a wave of putrid brown liquid immediately followed by another one.

- Oh baby...

You gently leaned his head on your shoulder and grabbed his hand which he squeezed in return, his other hand gripping his abdomen.

- It hurts so much...

- What happened? Is anyone else sick?

- No...just me...

- It could be a stomach bug...

He suddenly hissed, squeezing your hand even more and you kissed the top of his head as your hand kept rubbing his back.

- You're gonna be okay. I'm right here with you now, okay?

- thanks...

His back started heaving up and down under your touch and you could hear his stomach gurgle loudly. He gagged a few times, clamping his mouth and still squeezing your hand to ground himself and not break down.

- Honey, I know it hurts. You need to let it out. Hm?

You said, rubbing his lower back and comforting him as much as you could.

His stomach jumped rather aggressively and he got away from your embrace reaching the toilet in time for another wave to come out. He coughed a few times until a wet retch brought up even more, the sound of liquid hitting liquid repeatedly making you grimace a little. And you could see it wasn't being easy on him, the veins on his neck were popping up and he was getting red as well.

- Breathe, honey, breathe.

You didn't stop rubbing his back not even once. He rested his head on his arm, his nose was runny and his eyes were watering.

You carefully brushed his curly hair out of his face, looking at him with gentle eyes.

- Do you think you're done?

- No...it's still churning...

- Can I go get some cold water for you?

- I don't want you to leave...

This sentence showed how much he let himself be vulnerable when he was with you, he needed you by his side.

- Okay. I won't leave.

You grabbed your phone and texted Changbin who would probably still be awake now that he knew Chan wasn't well.

- Changbin. Are you sleeping?

- No. Do you need anything?

- Can you get some cold water? Please?

- Sure. And how's Chan hyung?

- He's still vomiting. I think he might've caught a stomach bug.

- I'll be right there.

Changbin knocked on the door before entering holding a glass of cold water.

- Thank you.

- Thanks, Changbin-ah.

The leader said weakly, trying to give a faint smile, to which Changbin returned.

- Text me if you need any help.

- Will do.

You turned to face Chan who had turned green and was swallowing again and you noticed he was actually holding it in while Changbin was in there.

- Honey...you didn't need to do that...

You said as he ducked his head one more time retching up another wave of what seemed to be the food from yesterday. The mess inside the toilet was unsettling, and it was definitely not helping with the situation, as well as the stench.

You pulled him back and while still rubbing his back you flushed the toilet.

You helped him so now he wasn't kneeling anymore and was sitting down. He rested his head on his hand while you held the other and rubbed his back from side to side.

- Here, baby. Rinse your mouth and take small sips.

- Thank you...

He said with a raspy voice that seemed to be hurting his throat. He rinsed his mouth and then drank a little bit, handing you the bottle.

- How are you feeling now?

'm still nauseous...

- Do you wanna try to take something and go to the bedroom?

- Not yet... I can feel something trapped...

As if on cue, whatever it was that was stuck triggered a sequence of gagging and retching and he was leaning over the toilet again. The unproductive gags turned into productive ones, with one wave following after the other. You were seriously surprised by how there were still things to come out.

- oh sweetie, I think it's really a stomach bug.

You said rubbing his back and supporting his forehead while he proceeded to vomit a few more times, the sounds of retching, wet burps, and liquid hitting liquid taking over the bathroom.

After what seemed to be 1h hour since he ran to the bathroom, his stomach decided to give him a break, although maintained the nausea. He was exhausted, completely drained, and if you weren't there he'd probably sleep in the bathroom.

He got away from the toilet leaning all his weight on your chest.

- Honey, do you think you're done?

- I hope so...I'm still nauseous but I don't feel like throwing up, at least not now.

- Wanna go lie down?

- Yes...

But when he moved to try standing up, he noticed how dizzy he was feeling.

- Okay, okay, it's ok. Sit down and take deep breaths.

He did as you told him but he felt completely empty, like he had thrown up a week's worth of meals.

- Do you want me to get Changbin?

- No, there's no need to. Just give me a minute.

You just sat there, rubbing his back and his hand as he tried to recollect himself so he could go back to his now-so-desired bed.

A few minutes after, he was okay to stand up and go back to his bedroom. You helped him up, wrapping your arms around him to help him steady himself.

- You good?

- Yeah...

- Sure? Because if you faint I can't carry you, Babe

You said laughing a little and he chuckled back at you.

- I won't.

- Okay.

You walked slowly with him, stopping at the sink so he could brush his teeth and he ended up vomiting a thin stream of bile and stomach juice but it seemed to be the last of it.

- Let's get you to the bedroom.

You still had your arms wrapped around him as you guided him to the bedroom.

You pulled the covers and helped him lie down and then covered him.

- I'll get a hoodie for myself, okay? And a bucket, just in case.

- Okay.

You had come in such a hurry and you were clearly tired you didn't want to open your bag to get clothes, and his were more comfy and had his scent.

He was lying down looking at you, smiling at how cute you looked with his oversized hoodie.

- Come here.

He said tapping the spot on the bed next to him, with the cutest smile.

You lay down next to him, looking into his eyes, and gently caressed his hair.

- I love your curly hair.

- And I love your eyes. They are beautiful, pure, sincere.

He said as he caressed your cheek. He then grabbed your hand and placed a kiss on it.

- Thank you for being here.

- I'm happy to be here.

You responded and then you told him to come closer so you could cuddle him.

- I'll be the big spoon today.

- I'm fine with that.

You kissed the top of his head, covered yourselves with the blanket, and stroked his back until he was fast asleep.

Chan was happy to have you and the kids and he could proudly say that all of you were his lifeline.