#I usually feel so overlooked and isolated even from other people with similar issues

[willow-p012]

Metamorphosis by Franz Kafka is basically exactly how I feel as someone with chronic pain but no diagnosis

[free--therapy]

More About Dealing with Anger

How to Know When Anger is Getting Out of Control

Anger becomes a problem when it starts to harm you or the people around you.

Signs of anger problems include when:

You find it difficult to avoid expressing anger through unhealthy, unhelpful or destructive behavior such as: - Verbal anger: aggressive shouting, swearing, threats, or name-calling - Physical anger: violence and lashing out, hitting or pushing others, breaking things, punching objects to feel a sense of release - Non-violent or passive anger: ignoring people, sulking, refusing to do tasks or doing them deliberately poorly - Inward anger: hiding your anger, harming yourself, denying yourself your basic needs, saying you hate yourself,

Your anger has a negative impact on your mental and physical health

Anger becomes your go-to emotion, blocking out other feelings

You react quickly and violently to minor issues

You wrongly accuse friends and relatives of disrespecting or lying to you

You consistently have the same arguments with people when reacting to similar triggers each time, without finding new ways to deal with these feelings of anger

You feeling frustrated with your actions during an argument or regretting them instantly after the event

You struggle to compromise or arrive easily at mutual agreements without getting angry

You have problems with expressing emotions in a calm and healthy way

Cycles of bad behaviour may be affecting relationships

Symptoms of An Anger Problem:

Depression, anxiety, paranoia, frustration, lack of sleep, social isolation, headaches, increased blood pressure, heart palpitations, tightened or anxious feelings in the chest area, blushing, sweating, fatigue, substance abuse or addiction.

Anger Management Tips

First, recognize the signs of anger:

heart is beating faster

breathing is quicker

feet are tapping

you're clenching your jaw or fists

a churning feeling in your stomach

tightness in your chest

legs go weak

tense muscles

you feel hot

you have an urge to go to the toilet

sweating, especially your palms

a pounding head

shaking or trembling

dizziness

feeling tense, nervous or unable to relax

feeling guilty

feeling resentful towards other people or situations

you are easily irritated

feeling humiliated

Then, buy yourself some time:

Count to 10 before you react. Take a few moments to collect your thoughts before saying anything you’ll regret— and allow others involved in the situation to do the same. As soon as you're thinking clearly, express your frustration in an assertive but non confrontational way.

Take a timeout. Take yourself out of the situation by going for a short walk – even if it's just around your block or local area.

Talk to a trusted person who's not connected to the situation, such as a friend, family member, counsellor or peer support group. If you don't feel comfortable talking to someone you know, you can confidentially call the Samaritans 24 hours a day to talk about anything that's upsetting you.

Techniques to Manage your Anger feelings:

Breathe slowly – try to breathe out for longer than you breathe in and focus on each breath as you take it.

Relax your body – if you can feel your body getting tense, try focusing on each part of your body in turn to tense and then relax your muscles.

Try mindfulness techniques – mindfulness can help you to be aware of when you're getting angry and can help calm your body and mind down.

Exercise – try to work off your anger through exercise. Sports like running or boxing can be really helpful for releasing pent up energy.

Use up your energy safely in other ways – this can help relieve some of your angry feelings in a way that doesn't hurt yourself or others. For example, you could try tearing up a newspaper, hitting a pillow or smashing ice cubes in a sink.

Do something to distract yourself mentally or physically – anything that completely changes your situation, thoughts or patterns can help stop your anger escalating. See our positive outlets below.

Identify possible solutions: Instead of focusing on what made you mad, work on resolving the issue at hand. Remind yourself that anger won't fix anything and might only make it worse.

Stick with 'I' statements: To avoid criticizing or placing blame — which might only increase tension — use "I" statements to describe the problem. For example, say, "I'm upset that you left the table without offering to help with the dishes" instead of "You never do any housework."

Don't hold a grudge: If you allow anger and other negative feelings to crowd out positive feelings, you might find yourself swallowed up by your own bitterness or sense of injustice. But if you can forgive someone who angered you, you might both learn from the situation and strengthen your relationship.

Use humor to release tension: Lightening up can help diffuse tension. Use humor to help you face what's making you angry and, possibly, any unrealistic expectations you have for how things should go. Avoid sarcasm, though — it can hurt feelings and make things worse.

Know when to seek help: Seek help for anger issues if your anger seems out of control, causes you to do things you regret or hurts those around you. - Anger management classes allow you to meet others coping with the same struggles and learn tips and techniques for managing your anger. - Therapy, either group or individual, can be a great way to explore the reasons behind your anger and identify triggers. Therapy can also provide a safe place to practice new skills for expressing anger.

Managing Anger in the Long Term

Explore what’s really behind your anger: is your anger masking other feelings such as embarrassment, hurt, insecurity, shame or vulnerability? Is it stemming from what you learned as a child? Is it a symptom of an underlying health problem such as depression, anxiety, trauma or chronic stress?

Identify your triggers:  Look at your regular routine and try to identify activities, times of day, people, places, or situations that trigger irritable or angry feelings. When you identify your triggers, think about ways to either avoid them or view the situations differently so they don’t make your blood boil.

Negative thought processes that can trigger anger: anger doesn’t always stem directly from external factors. It is caused by how you react to and think about what happens in these instances. Here are common negative thought patterns that can trigger and fuel anger: - Overgeneralizing: For example, using phrases like “He ALWAYS interrupts me” and “NEVER is on time” or “EVERYONE disrespects me. - Obsessing over “shoulds” and “musts”: having a rigid view/structure of the way things should or must go cultivates anger when reality doesn’t line up. - Mind reading and jumping to conclusions: Assuming you “know” what someone else is thinking or feeling—that they intentionally upset you, ignored your wishes, or disrespected you. - Collecting straws: Looking for small things to get upset about, usually while overlooking or blowing past anything positive, and letting these small irritations build and build until you reach the “final straw” and explode, often over something relatively minor. - Blaming. When anything bad happens or something goes wrong, it’s always someone else’s fault. You tell yourself, “life’s not fair,” or blame others for your problems rather than taking responsibility for your own life.

Take care of yourself: taking care of your physical and mental health and wellbeing can help ease tension and diffuse anger problems - Manage stress - Talk to someone you trust - Get enough sleep - Exercise regularly - Be smart about alcohol and drugs

Treatment and Support: Talking Therapy and Counseling - Talk to your doctor or PCP about finding a trained professional (a counselor or psychotherapist) to talking about your problems with

[fenristheorem]

Lance finding out that Gardienne killed herself? After a while of her being in the HQ again, he has fallen in love with her. She just couldn't bear those seven years, having lost that many people and being here just to save this world by suffering.

He wanted to tell her he loved her, he knocked her door, he worried bc no one answered, and he finds her hanged up.

I know this is really specific, it's just kind of my OC ending😅😅 anyway, I'd understand if you weren't comfortable with this.

So I’m going to talk about the boundaries of what I write for a moment, starting by saying that I will write this BUT I won’t write detailed suicide scenes due to the sensitive nature of it.

This ask isn’t asking for a detailed scene, it’s asking for the effects the decision has on Lance, and because it’s asking for the long-term effects and not a scenario I’m just fine with writing this. 

Thank you for asking this, Anon, genuinely. Being this specific was probably what gave me the push to write this in the end because I know you were looking for the reaction and not the actual scene. This is a good example of a post that walks along the lines of what I will and won’t write so anyone requesting future asks with a similar subject gets a better idea of what to ask.

Also, I apologize for how long this took to write. This ask was, unfortunately, the one that spent the most time eaten in my drafts folder so I couldn’t work on it until about a week ago. Fortunately that gave me a lot of time to think over how to best write this, so I think this’ll be appropriately written considering the subject.

*Warning / Note: This post contains heavy depressive themes and suicidal mentions, as evident by the ask and what I wrote above. I’m aware that this is a very sensitive subject and I intend to treat it with appropriate seriousness. This is not a happy post, please only read this if you know this won’t lead you down a dark path. To me, writing is another form of art, meant to express and draw out emotions from the audience, so I won’t subside the intensity of my writing even with this being a sensitive subject. I don’t intend to drive anyone to harm themselves, but I do intend to write with the intensity that I always do because this is my artform; so please prepare for heavy themes or don’t read if you’re not comfortable with this. On a side note: I care about everyone, I really do, so please take care of yourselves. If you’re feeling depressive or suicidal, talk to someone, please. There is always someone who cares about you.

Technically Guardienne's death may have a major adverse effect on Eldarya due to her link with the crystal, but for the sake of this ask I'll ignore any possible effects like that.

~Under the cut~

Lance’s reaction to Guardienne’s suicide:

Lance had seen a lot of terrible things in life and had done many terrible things in his life, but this reached a new type of fucked up for him. Not because it's truly disturbing - although it is deeply disturbing - but because it fucked him up even more in a way that he neither thought could be possible nor that he could bear.

He’s convinced that he’s cursed; everything that’s happened to him has been his fault. He started the war within Eldarya, destroyed so many faeries’ lives, killed his own brother, and now the woman he loved is dead because of him as well. Sure, he wasn’t the one to tie the rope around her neck, but there are signs for these sorts of things. Was he truly that blind that he couldn’t see that she was in pain? Did he ever truly love her if he couldn’t see the pain? Would she have done anything differently if he wasn’t there to constantly remind her of everything that was lost?

Lance believes he deserves this. He’s caused so much pain and agony for everyone, it only makes sense that he should be the one in pain now. Lance won’t try to fight the agony he’s in, he’ll let himself drown in it for nights on end to wake up - or not even sleep to begin with - feeling exhausted, reckless, irritated and - overall - worthless. He’s sure to emerge from his room in the morning without the slightest hint that he’s been sobbing quietly with the feeling of a dagger twisting itself over and over within his chest all night, and he’ll refuse to answer any questions about if he’s alright after the recent events. He was the one to find her after all; it would make sense that he was hit the hardest...

In the daytime he’ll be rough and withholding, keeping the Obsidian guard in a tight hold to reflect how he needs to hold himself tightly to keep from falling apart. It’s one thing for him feel and express emotions, but this feeling is an entirely different thing; this is something that should not be released into Eldarya. He realizes it and knows that this feeling - something that he recognizes all too well from his past - threatens to destroy everything that he worked so hard to gain in the past seven years.

Mathieu will notice Lance’s change in temperament immediately, and being the kind man he is he’ll want to be there for the dragon, but Lance won’t be looking for comfort; he’ll be looking for something that will change the past and take back everything that happened. But that’s impossible - he knows that - and so he’ll be stuck in a state of limbo, deemed to mourn for his unknown, unrealized love until... something happens to change him.

Ice cold fear will wash over him some days as he recognizes the familiar feeling that haunted him in the past, and while he’ll be aching to reach out to lean on someone for support - afraid of this feeling overwhelming him again - he’ll feel that he can’t lean on anyone. He doesn’t deserve that support at this point after all he’s done, and there’s so many others who are busy grieving; the guard needs him to be strong now. However, on occasion - when he has a clear mind - he’ll grieve gently with someone who’s somewhat close to him, sharing kind memories of Guardienne and gently advising them to spend time around friends if his co-worker feels it’s needed. He’ll never completely break in front of anyone though, he can’t bring himself to. 

However, Lance falls apart immediately when he’s alone, sometimes even lingering in the conference room for a few minutes after a meeting to allow himself the private time alone to recollect himself. Grief will randomly hit him throughout the day, constricting his throat, burning his chest, and glassing over his eyes - and every time he’ll excuse himself from his company to isolate himself until he regains control again. This, of course, is taken into notice by a few others around the guard, and slowly there’ll be people who realize that Lance is not fine.

This becomes a further issue over time as his grief slowly turns into anger and disgust, and this is when that familiar, ominous feeling from his past really rears it’s ugly face. He should have seen something. Was he really that terrible to her that she felt she couldn’t trust him? Was everyone really that blind to not see her hurting?

Lance finds that he begins to choose to isolate himself, mentally and physically. He’ll leave the guards members alone that have stated they need time off, but he won’t be very forgiving with those who have chosen to continue their work but seem to be slacking. His mentality is that if you can’t handle continuing on, then don’t offer your service as it’ll become a hindrance, and this quickly becomes a major issue.

Huang Hua - knowing how important Guardienne was to Eldarya, and the guard especially - has let it be known that if anyone needs a break from their responsibilities, then it’ll be allowed, but she will stress that those who feel they can continue to function please try to do so, and be lenient and take on a few responsibilities that aren’t usually asked of them if they feel they can. She can read other’s auras and sense intentions and emotions of sorts, so she can generally get a good read on how someone is doing, but she can’t consistently do that with everyone, so while she’ll use this ability when necessary to enforce that someone take a break so they don’t fall apart, not every unstable case is known to her. This is the main reason why she slightly overlooks Lance for a while. When he first found Guardienne, he panicked immediately, rushing her to Ewelein and not even truly believing her death until many days after the event. Huang Hua - having sensed his shock and panic blocking out any other emotions - let it go for a few days; everyone goes through their own grieving process, some immediately and some not until many years afterwards. There was nothing that anyone could do for him until Guardienne’s death hit him fully. However, she also knew from her abilities that Lance was in love with her, or at very least had a deep liking for Guardienne, so the instant a few members of the guard come to her expressing serious concerns regarding Lance’s recent aggression and distance, Huang Hua knows immediately that it needs to be dealt with. This grief was an unknown factor in Lance’s new life - but his past with this type of grief shows clearly that this can really fuck him up - so it needed to be discussed, otherwise he risks spiraling back into the same place he was seven years ago.

She’ll approach him when he’s alone, or if they’re in a relatively public space she’ll take him somewhere private, sensing all the while the breathtakingly painful feeling of agony, anger and distress that’s clouding his mentality. It was just the same as when he was Ashkore, how did he not yet break? He’ll refuse to follow her if he knows she wants to talk about his emotions - ironic since he’s always been open to sharing his perspective and thoughts - so she’ll just tell him that she needs to talk to him in private regarding a few anonymous tips from some guards members if he happens to ask why.

Being alone with an unstable, emotionally distraught dragon with a history of violence while under heavy states of grief does unsettle her a bit, but she knows the outcome of this will be much worse if he truly feels isolated. He’s not going to reach out for help by himself - he doesn’t know how to, nor does he probably want to - so she needs to be the one to reach out to him and help him stabilize himself before another situation like Valkyon’s death occurrs.

She’ll consider first talking alone with him in his room - where he’d likely feel most comfortable - but considering he’d likely be defensive, that could then translate into aggression in his own territory, and that may lead her to being forced out of his room for her own safety. Lance has certainly changed in temperament, but heavy grieving emotions can blind someone, so there’s really no promising that nothing... destructive may happen, no matter how much he’s changed in patience.

She then considers talking with him in the conference room, but there isn’t a whole lot of privacy there. The conference room is more for business, rather than personal, private, emotional conversations. The last thing Lance needed in this moment was for his emotions to be treated even slightly like a business confrontation and not as an important part of his being. Frankly, even on a day where he’s feeling just fine he would never accept anyone’s emotions to be treated like a business issue, so the last thing she wanted was to imply that by bringing him into a room that could do just that.

Huang Hua then thinks over the idea of talking to him in her room; it would likely be safer, after all. He probably won’t become territorial or aggressive as it’s not his territory, and it’ll be a gentle reminder that she’s happy to welcome him into her personal life to help comfort him (therefore defeating the concern that it could seem like a business confrontation), but since it’s her territory he might emotionally shut himself down. It can be uncomfortable to fall apart in someone else’s room, especially knowing they’re higher ranking and could be interrupted at any moment to deal with something else...

Then she wonders if she should bring him outside of the guard to speak with him - somewhere that’s private and on neutral ground. That way they’d both be in strange territory and may not be interrupted, and if they are they’d receive prior warning by noticing that someone was walking their way.

Of course, Huang Hua then realizes that - no matter how much she’d like to think that she understands what would make Lance most comfortable - she truly doesn’t know what would help him best, but she can be there to provide support at very least, regardless of where they are. At the end of the day, Lance would probably know where he’d feel most comfortable, so when she approaches him to talk, saying that it’s an important but private conversation, she’ll ask him where he would rather talk. He’ll be slightly hostile, especially when he picks up on the fact that she’s going out of her way to word things carefully and prioritize his comfort, but he’ll decide to talk somewhere private outside the guard, where no one is around.

And that’s how Huang Hua finds herself in the middle of the open plains, far away from the guard to talk to a dragon who might as well be stabbing himself with his own dagger with how he’s been allowing himself to feel as of late. She’ll start off gently, telling him the recent concerns of a few anonymous guard’s members and Lance will stand a few feet away and listen coldly with a blank expression until she suggests that he take a few days off. He’ll debate things with her then, and it’ll escalate slowly until Lance is clearly distressed but still unmoving in his decision to remain active, and Huang Hua will know then that she can’t be gentle anymore...

“Lance, take a few days off, for your sake.”

“No.” His tone is harsh and cold as he snaps at her. “The guard needs me, there’s so much I need to do - so much I need to repay-” He didn’t mean to let that last statement slip - after all, his actions certainly couldn’t be made up for, right? - but emotions can be a powerful thing, can’t they?

“You won’t be able to do any of that if you’re destroying everything you’ve helped rebuild in the process.” Lance is pacing, keeping his eyes trained to the ground. Huang Hua - despite her anxiousness at the dragon being so stubborn on decisions made under heavy negative emotions - tries to keep a comforting, open atmosphere to avoid furthering any issues. “You know the pain you’ve cast upon on others, you’ve felt that same sort of pain now and you need to take time to be able to recover from that.”

“I can’t take time, it’s not something I can just accept! Everyone I’ve hurt before never had time to accept the situation before I made it worse, but they still pushed forward! There’s no reason for me to have it any easier!”

“And where would we be if we treated you the same way you used to treat the world? Would we be any better than how you used to be?”

Lance stops pacing but his eyes remain on the ground, his throat constricting as his thoughts run rampant. Would they be the same as how he used to be if they allowed him to keep running himself this way? He’s done terrible things, but he’s spent many years trying to keep that from happening again. Certainly he’s an asset to the guard now, so would it be cruel of them to ignore his distress? Or would it be justified payback for everything he’s done?

“Lance, you’ve done wonderful things the past seven years, and we want you to continue that and I know you want to continue that as well. Take some time off so you can do that without destroying yourself or your environment. Don’t ignore your pain like it’s nothing - it’s not nothing, and you have the resources to deal with it in a better way now. Use those resources, Lance, it’ll help you work your way through this.” Huang Hua’s tone is gentle and soft as she pleads with him, hoping that her blunt words will reach his common sense.

He tries to argue this, stuttering the beginning of sentences to try and disprove her point, grasping for any reason as to why his pain is invalid. However, Lance finds that there’s no sound argument against Huang Hua’s words, and constricting panic, horror, and then heavy tides of grief will hit him as he realizes that he is, in fact, dragging himself into his own downfall. He is his own worst enemy, once again.

In any manner, this is all his fault - his past actions, Guardienne’s distress of what’s changed that lead to her death, his emotional isolation, and disruption of the guard is all because he doesn’t know how to deal with himself and his abyss of emotions. How did this happen to him? He was never the type of person to deny and hide away his emotions, so how is it he ended up caging himself like this when under personal grief? Is it because the situation is so personal to him that he has a hard time allowing himself to seek comfort in others who likely couldn’t understand?

Lance will fall apart at this, closing his eyes and turning towards the ground to keep himself together, but falling apart all the same as grief overwhelms him one final time in a push that throws him over the edge. He’ll clench his fist and bow his head, bringing it over his mouth as he desperately tries to steady his breathing, to no avail as tears find their way from his eyes and his chest heaves in quieted sobs. 

Huang Hua will lurch forward to comfort him, but stops as Lance whirls around to step back and snap at her - he didn’t want comfort, he wanted her back!

“Where were you for her!? Why didn’t anyone else see her pain!?” His eyes are tragedy and desperation underneath the weakened cold anger of ice blue, a faint few tears streaking down his face as his voice - thunderous and howling - cracks and breaks alongside his crumbling rage. If he couldn’t have fixed this, then someone else could have - why didn’t anyone fix this!?

“You know it’s not morally correct to monitor everyone’s private emotions all the time. What kind of leader would I be if I didn’t allow my people their privacy?” Huang Hua stills and clasps her hands together at her waist, understanding Lance’s outward anger. However, she realized his statement signaled something else as well; Lance could no longer fight why he should allow himself to grieve, so he was desperately clinging onto some semblance of needing to be distant by turning it to be someone’s fault - someone that he could hate.  “You are right in a way; of the many people who knew her, someone might have been able to catch how torn up she felt, but people who wish to hide their pain, or spend so long hiding their pain that it becomes a part of who they are, learn how to hide their pain in ways too complex for others to realize. And, Lance, if she didn’t want anyone to know about her grief, there wouldn’t have been much that I could have done anyways.”

“You could have helped her!” The dragon’s voice was weakening as he spoke, distant anger being replaced by a cold, hollow emptiness as he realized the truth in Huang Hua’s words.

“Only if she was ready for that help. You can’t force someone to accept help, you can only wait for them to allow themselves to be helped.”

“She wouldn’t want me to find relief during this time...” He looked away toward the ground and hung his head, blinking rapidly as he began to heave for breath. There must be a reason why he shouldn’t be allowed to feel this way .

“Do you think she would have wanted everything good you did - whether she knows what you did or not - to be destroyed because of your grief for her?” Lance’s eyes squinted closed and he tilted his head a bit further away from the phoenix. It seemed as though every reminder of everything good he’s done continues to leave him with a hollow chest. “I think if she witnessed firsthand everything you’ve done the past seven years she would have thought very differently about you now than what she did when first having woken up from the crystal.”

Lance turns to face his back towards her, resting a palm on his forehead before brushing his fingers back through his hair as a tremble rolls through him. He could feel pressure rising from his throat as he bared his teeth in an agonized snarl before parting his mouth to silently gasp for air. His head tilted back to look at the sky, only for a few tears to fall from his eyes when he releases a shaky breath.

“Lance, your situation with her was very unique - no one else could begin to understand exactly what you’re feeling from your history with her. Take some time so you can understand it - and fix, or do, or feel whatever you need to - so you can carry forward knowing yourself better.”

He wanted to fight her statement, but his moral compass argued with his resistance on this as well. If anything, of whatever terrible things came as a result of her death, there should be some good sought from it as well. What’s the point of accepting a tragedy if not to learn something from it as well, even if it’s something quiet that no one else knows you learned?

For the first time in a long while - if not ever - Lance allows himself to break and be comforted. He lets himself embrace the burning, stinging pain that rises in his chest as he turns his head back to the ground and collapses on his knees. Huang Hua immediately reacts and is by his side in moments, on her knees and laying a gentle hand on his shoulder as she leans against him slightly. Sobs escape his throat as his body tenses and curls forward slightly, bracing a hand on the ground to steady himself as tremulous waves of emotions - any and all emotions that could possibly be named - wash over him and leave him gasping for air.

“I miss her, too.” Huang Hua’s voice shakes now as she leans further against the dragon, bringing her arms as far around him as she can while her head rests against his shoulder, away from the spines on his pauldrons. Lance brings his other hand up and tightly grasps the forearm reaching across his chest.

Huang Hua had spent so much time trying to help others through this that she had completely forgotten to make sure she was alright as well, and seeing Lance - the man she least expected to be torn apart by this situation - completely break and fall apart before her eyes reminded her of the true depth of their loss. They didn’t just lose Eldarya’s savior, they had lost a friend, a great warrior, one of the last angels, someone who was pure at heart and wasn’t afraid to face the darkness of life without so much as a blink of hesitation. They had lost someone who gave everything for the world, and suffered because of it.

Minutes merged until they were unsure of how long they spent in the fields, but in time both of them calmed down. Lance - now able to think clearer on the subject - began to reflect on the situation.

“This wasn’t her fault... the blame is on all of us, for not having seen anything... but she must have known that someone would have been there for her if they knew how much she was hurting...” He murmured this quietly, waves of shame washing over him again as he realized he was perhaps pinning some of the blame on Guardienne. Was there really anyone to blame here? She must have known that someone would have been there for her if she sought help, but it’s not right for others to pry into the personal life of another if the intrusion is unwelcomed, and who was to say she wanted help in the first place? Had she given up? Would anyone have been able to stop her to begin with? Who was to blame, if there was anyone?

“There’s nothing we can do now except honor her and move forward.” Huang Hua whispered back with a shaky voice and Lance faintly nodded his head. There were many things that worked together to lead to this happening, and in between there also were moments where something could have helped deter it, both by her doing and by others. At the root core, everyone and anyone could have helped stop this in some way, even if it was by giving her a small passing smile that could have helped remind her that there is good and hope in the world, but there’s also no guarantee that anyone could have stopped it. Regardless, this is how things happened. They can’t change the past, but they can move forward with her in mind and learn from this.

Lance - despite his heavy grief and complex emotions on everything - begins to soften himself to the situation. He’s not the only one grieving. His situation may have been the most complicated, but he’s still in the same boat as everyone else. He doesn’t feel the need to sob alongside the others anymore, but he does find that whenever the group he’s in begins to fall apart into wailing, he’ll bow his head and won’t hide the obvious pain that he’s in at the reminder of his lost love. His feelings for Guardienne will be kept quiet, and he won’t openly say how he felt about her - it could still be seen as wrong in the opinion of some people for him to have fallen in love with the same woman he hurt so much, especially knowing her pain is what led to her death - but he won’t deny the truth of his feelings to those who caught on somehow. Lance will find that he’ll slowly begin to mend after this death, many months after of course, but it’ll happen, and in some ways this will help him move past his brother’s death as well. After all, in the end both Guardienne and Valkyon came to accept their final moments in life before allowing Lance’s past actions to bring about their end, and although one chose to die to help mend him and the other chose to die to help relieve herself, the root issue of the situation that led to their death was still very similar. He’ll have a hard time allowing himself to move past the fact that his actions played a major part in both deaths, but he realizes in time that that’s what happens when someone has a violent past. It’ll haunt for many years, and the effects of it can never be reversed, but in the end this only inspires him to work harder to provide a better world. Maybe he can’t erase what he did, but he can make sure it doesn’t happen again and work to provide Eldarya with as much good as he can provide now.

Without a doubt Guardienne’s death hits him hard, but he’ll be sure to come back twice as strong from this.

I hope you like this, Anon! I feel Guardienne’s suicide would definitely hit Lance hard and remind him subtly of Valkyon’s death, but I don’t see Lance being held down by this for too long. He’d heavily grieve for her for a good while before he eventually finds himself standing on two feet again and powering his way through life, if not for his own sake then for the sake of others, both alive and dead. 

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[hoidn]

master post of disturbingly accurate miscellany.

sagittarius moons constantly put on a cheerful facade to cover their sadness. this often leads to internal bitterness and frustration which gets translated into violent urges and a certain amount of hostility towards others. they may often try to hide it and to keep being in-your-face happy but one can definitely feel an aura of suppressed anger around them. like a feeling of hair-triggered temperament lurking beneath the surface. [source]

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venus in the 4th house: you feel like home. living in a comfortable, safe and beautiful house is very important to you, just like establishing a family. your relationship with your family, friends and significant other is of utmost importance to you and you feel the need to create a loving atmosphere for them. although being nurturing is an amazing quality, your attachment to your partner can be so overwhelming that it can lead to break-ups. you’re terrified of stressful situations, scandals and chaos, and you absolutely need to focus on being in a peaceful environment and one where you can pursue your happiness. very nostalgic and overprotective of loved ones. you need your partner to constantly reassure you of their love to you or you’ll go crazy with feelings of jealousy and insecurity. you love helping others, and you inspire love and trust in those around you. [source]

-----

saturn in the 5th: (I fear)…I’ll never feel true happiness. That I’ll always be holding myself back. That I’ll never achieve my true potential, that my light will always feel dimmed. That happiness will be taken away from me at any moment. That my anxieties will always be eating away at me, even when I’m surrounded by the ones I love. That my inner child will always feel neglected, and that, because of that, my creativity feels blocked. [source]

-----

the most noticeable difference between the negative (earth and water) and the positive (air and fire) venus signs for me is that the first really see love as a state of total reception, they connect it more to a passive state in which you can fully grasp and empathize with the other. and the second see love more as a pull towards the object of desire, an inspiration for movement. it’s like earth & water venus is the being towards which the fire & air venus gravitate. [source]

-----

i’m yet to meet a cancer venus that really enjoys cooking. i know a lot of people with this placement and they all really appreciate it when someone cooks for them and often comment on people’s cooking and know the best places where to eat…also they’re often on some type of special diet, be it out of their own will or due to health issues. but i’ve never see one that loves to cook. [source]

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So what is Virgo Vision? It’s a penetrating style of seeing the world, people and situations. People with V.V. will auto-scan for nuance and connections that are missed by most people. And then they cram the data into a complex details matrix that assesses it at Warp Speed.

Within microseconds, the Virgo or Virgo Rising formulates a multi-level analysis. They’re witty, informed and lauded for their ability to wisely parse complex circumstances. They streamline convoluted thought and design processes. They save people and organizations significant time and money via their V.V.

[...]

It’s an asset but also a liability. How could something so clearly a mercurial super-power be in any way the latter? Well, they can’t turn it off. Ever.

People with V.V. don’t have the comfort of overlooking something, to ease their passage through a stressful work week. Their mind is perpetually analyzing and making pertinent connections; if they are in an environment where people don’t care about those connections, the Virgo Vision doesn’t power down and go into ‘rest mode.’ It up-regulates into even faster operation.

If the person with V.V. can’t share or be understood, they gaze inward, running over every error, wrong step, miscalculation and poorly worded comment ever.

Details and data swarm their consciousness. They either freeze or default into a Saint Virgo stance. Without an appropriate outlet, the Virgo Rising or Virgo Sun person makes themselves the project. Every glance in the mirror is a call for a fix. Each meal a breakdown of the macros. They don’t view the scenery; they map it.

These people can lose the plot and replace it with a list of continuity errors and anachronisms.  They’re well beyond that old cliche about not seeing “the forest for the trees.”  People with Virgo Vision know the topography, soil components, leaf blight, mythology associated with that style of tree and the article they read on forestry four years ago. [source]

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Mercury Retrograde

When Mercury is retrograde at birth, the thinking processes are generally more acute, and the sense of humor rather quirky. People with Mercury retrograde take in information differently than those with Mercury direct in their natal charts. How many people are born with a retrograde Mercury? Roughly 18%.

Some people with this position struggle with doubts about their perceptions or their ability to learn, and there can be a lot of thinking, double-checking, and reviewing of thoughts and ideas before communicating them.

Neptune Retrograde

Those born with Neptune retrograde in their chart might tend to hide their vulnerabilities, their spiritual side, or their compassion, as they feel somewhat uncomfortable expressing them. These things can very well exist, and they run deep, but Neptune retrograde natives prefer to keep these things private. Deep faith can be missing, so that these people might be naturally mistrustful. When they are left to fill in the blanks, they might expect the worst. There can be a big fear of dreaming too big dreams, as they are afraid of being let down. [source]

. . . . .

Mercury is the planet of communication and how you express yourself and learn, and so those of you born with Mercury retrograde tend to feel very misunderstood. The energy of Mercury retrograde in the natal chart is actually very similar to that of Mercury in the 12th house (and how misunderstood you must be if you have natal Mercury retrograde in your 12th house!). You have difficulty communicating clearly with others, with being heard, with understanding others as well, and with using your mental energy properly.

[...]

There’s a tremendous amount of mental energy and power that can be unlocked with Mercury retrograde in the natal chart. It just usually takes a while to let go of the fear, isolation, or insecurity that accompanies this position. The insecurity can really kill the Mercury retrograde native. You need to work on developing confidence in your mental abilities, your ideas, your opinions, your words. Growing up feeling misunderstood no doubt caused that insecurity, but it’s a skin you must shed in adulthood, or you get stuck in that insecurity forever. You can be a quiet person, one who stumbles over their words publicly, or who is unfailingly truthful. You can have a wicked sense of humor because you interpret what you see in the world differently and point out the things that are so ridiculously absurd. 

[...]

When transit (moving) Mercury is retrograde, this is when you thrive. The rest of us are completely hopeless, and you’re speeding along. This is because the retrograde energy is natural to you, so when Mercury is in his normal forward motion, you’re uncomfortable, but when he’s retrograde, you’re at home. This is a time when you can make great progress and really get your point across. You should make the most of the times when Mercury is retrograde. You can also work on better understanding the proper ways for you to communicate, express yourself, and learn during Mercury retrograde, so pay close attention to that. [source]

-----

However, when Mercury is in retrograde, this planet is way more introspective, thoughtful, and skeptical than usual. When moving direct, Mercury is fast-paced and eager to connect the dots, and while it might make you seem like a slow thinker when you have Mercury retrograde in your birth chart, it's only because you're doing a lot more thinking than anyone else would even think to do.

The truth is, being born during Mercury retrograde gives you an advantage when it comes to contemplative and all-encompassing thinking. You see every angle of an idea because you naturally have a tendency to look backwards and sideways, which is something Mercury is not naturally aiming to do. You have a tendency to review your choices and re-do things over and over again until you get it right. [source]

-----

With North Node in Libra, our South Node is in Aries. With North Node in the seventh house, our South Node is in the first house.

A tendency to rely on the self so much as to alienate important others in our lives, to be excessively competitive to the point of a me-first attitude, to take things personally, and to be impatient, rash, and impulsive at the expense of personal happiness are some of the issues this position suggests. With this position, we need to work on sensitizing ourselves to the needs of others, to learn tact and cooperation, to put ourselves in another’s shoes, and to let go of an overwhelming self-consciousness that is blocking our desire to win. We are often afraid of the demands that a partner might put on us, and we don’t naturally look for feedback, preferring to act on the moment—on our own hunches and impulses. But for however hard we push ourselves, our plans will be blocked until we stop to consider the other side. We tend to go it alone, often passing up opportunities for growth because we are too focused on our own personal survival. Our impulses and instincts are overloaded, lacking in perspective, and acting upon them will often bring us strife—that is, until we learn to look at the other side, perhaps through the eyes of another. Through partnership, and through cooperation with others, we will attain the inner balance necessary for us to achieve our goals. [source]

[thiswaycomessomethingwicked]

for the quiet night in ask: how did Grima make his way into your heart? And why do you ship him with Eomer? I've been meaning to inquire about this for long hehe (also I love your theme! think this is the first time I see it)

I am so sorry, you’re getting an ESSAY. 

I’ve been wanting to talk about my Grima feels FOR SO LONG. 

HE SNAKED HIS WAY INTO MY HEART. 

Um, tl;dr I have a soft spot for the bad guys who clearly have a complicated history with those they are opposing and I think Eomer/Grima have a fun opposites-attract dynamic and I love a good redemption story. 

I don’t touch on literacy and Grima in this because that’s strictly the films and it’s worthy of it’s own post entirely. 

-

I’m trying to think best how to break this all out, because it gets a bit long and rambly. I’m using both book and films for this, as a note. Since I tend to mash up different aspects of those Grima’s in my head, give the guy some eyebrows, and call it a day. 

So, first off, his history. Now, we don’t really have anything to go on in canon here. All we know, in both book and film, is that Grima “was once a man of Rohan” (ROTK). In the book, Gandalf says: “This here, is a snake. To slay it [Grima] would be just. But it was not always as it is now. Once it was a man, and it did you service in its fashion.” 

Grima evidently has served Rohan for some years at this point. We know that Theoden’s enchantment/possession began three years prior to TTT. In the books there is no possession. Theoden’s enchantment relies on the powers of words and their suggestions. Something Tolkien was well aware of carrying great weight and import in Anglo-Saxon culture. You tell a man he is old and infirm, he will become old and infirm. 

I understand why Jackson went the possession route - explaining Anglo-Saxon engagement with galdorcraeft/witchcraft and the power of words etc. and how that influenced the development of Rohan in the span of like 7 minutes of screen time wasn’t happening. Possession works for the same purpose, but in a language the modern audience is familiar with - especially in visual mediums. Grima is circa 40 when TTT happens, same age as Boromir for reference. So, let’s say he’s been an advisor for 10/12 years at this point. He has therefore been a good servant of the king longer than he’s been a traitor. 

Hence, the outreach. And, in Brad Dourif’s wonderful acting, Grima’s clear desire to go home to his king. In the book it’s more subtle. Grima chucks the palantir out the window at Orthanc and it’s stated that he wasn’t sure who he was aiming for, Saruman or Gandalf, because he couldn’t decide who he hated more. 

Honestly? Legit. I would also hate the guy who reduced me to “it” pronouns. But maybe that’s my gender identity stuff playing up ;) 

(Granted, in the full quote Gandalf reverts back to “he”, for context. And I’ve said this before, in another post, that it makes sense for Gandalf and as a writer, I agree with Tolkien’s decisions for that scene.)

Now, for some speculation. Not that I haven’t spilled a tonne already. MORE SPECULATION. This time bringing you long term effects of bullying and never having loving relationships modelled for you! Because LOTR, at the end of the day, is all about trauma and how maybe not to deal with it. 

So - motives. 

We know Saruman’s motives. Indeed, he tells them to us in FOTRK: “[to] have power, power to order all things as we will, for that good which only the Wise can see” and to achieve “the high and ultimate purpose: Knowledge, Rule, Order; all the things that we have so far striven in vain to accomplish, hindered rather than helped by our weak or idle friends.”

Great. Super straight forward. And from the man’s own mouth. 

Grima’s though, always come to us second hand. In the books it’s Gandalf telling us (Gandalf can mind read, so yes, maybe he is accurate). In the films, it’s Eomer guestimating. 

But Grima never actually tells us, himself, what his motives are. 

(a quick aside: if some dude is shoving me up against a pole and threatening me, and I hear someone walking by, of course I’m going to look over at them and it by no means indicates my desire to shag that person. Now, of course, we know from other scenes this is the case. I’m just saying. It’s natural to look over at the person walking by while you’re being jumped by the Third Marshal of the Mark who is twice your size. anyway.) 

So what are his driving forces for treason? What made him go to this point of no return then keep going even when people offered him a way back. 

It is important to note that his treason required him to forswear his oath to his liege lord. I don’t know how to convey what a big deal that would have been, in modern terms. But it would have been huge. Forswearing/reneging on oaths was a massive cultural taboo in Anglo-saxon [AS] England (and general, early medieval Europe). 

And, as Rohan is based on AS England (I forget if Tolkien was cagey about this. He was sometimes a dumb shit and coy about things so was like “noooo it’s not STRICTLY AS England….but it’s clearly AS England with more horses and a light dusting of vikings and the Danelaw”), we can assume it carried as much weight for them as it did for the historical people. 

(Indeed, it’s implied, if not directly stated, in the text what a big deal oath breaking is. Don’t say “oath breaking” too loud or the Silmarillion fandom will come out of the woodwork)

The big takeaway: BIG DEAL TO FORSWEAR YOUR OATH. 

And he did it! Which is why I don’t buy the “it was because of Eowyn and like some nice jewels.” You don’t betray your country, you don’t forswear your oath to your king, simply because you’re hot on the king’s niece and Saruman might give you a raise. 

And, as a liege man to Theoden, he was part of Theoden’s household so would have eaten, worked with, lived with everyone else in the household (Eomer, until he becomes Third Marshal; Eowyn; Hama; Theoden’s guards etc.) 

So, you live with these people, eat with them, drink with them, spend all your time with them, for circa 10 years then you do a bunk and betray them? Something happened. I suspect it was years and years of things happening. 

Overall, I think it to be a combination of things. As is usually the case for these sorts of crimes. In this case, a nice mix of fear, desperation, greed, resentment, anger and desire. 

Fear/Desperation: So, to Grima’s mind the world is ending. Why wouldn’t he think this? Hell, even the Wisest and the Fairest (i.e. wizards & elves) think it’s ending. Why wouldn’t this poor bloke from some small country nearby to Mordor not think it an existential threat to an unimaginable degree? 

Grima is sat here in Rohan looking at Mordor going "oh fuck" then who are the leaders left? Denethor (slightly bonkers) and Theoden (past his prime and lacklustre, like his father and grandfather). 

This is not a man with a strong moral fiber. Or...any moral fiber, let’s be real. He does not have the fortitude to stick it out through hopeless situations. And it would have been hopeless to his eyes. And those around him (see: Eomer’s do not trust to hope… Sure Saruman was a problem, but he wasn’t just talking about the white wizard).  

Gandalf’s plan, which none of these people were ever wholly aware of, was a goddamn Hail Mary pass and it worked. Barely, but it did. NO ONE had reason to believe it would, though. And those are people in the know. Not someone like Grima who has no fucking clue what Gandalf et al is up to. He sees Gandalf then like … Nazgul torture him on the planes of Rohan (Unfinished Tales). He sees Gandalf then bad things happen. 

Lathspell indeed. 

Greed & Desire: I don’t think I need to go into these ones too much. They’re pretty self explanatory. Grima and Black Phillip hung out and the goat asked Grima if he wanted to live deliciously and Grima, like any normal person, said: um, yes please? Also, Eowyn was around being badass, beautiful and untouchable. 

Resentment/Anger: Alright, more probing in the dark. I suspect, for one reason or another (and these reasons would vary depending if you’re looking at books or movies), he was someone who was always treated as other/differently, teased, picked on, isolated, overlooked, doesn’t measure up to Rohan’s military ideal of masculinity. All of which creates an underlying resentment issue.

And nothing festers quite like resentment. 

On top of that, I also suspect he was always told he was a snake/untrustworthy/not worthy etc. and if you're told something enough, and you don't have anything or anyone else telling you the opposite, there is a strong chance you become that thing.

It's a chicken and egg: the face you wear to the world tells the world how to treat you; the world tells you what you are and that is how you shape your face.

THEN you add in Saruman. Who is clearly, in the text, abusive. Which, if there were any inferiority/bullied etc. issues that are informing Grima’s actions, Saruman is just going to amplify it. 

“You are a traitor because you’re a snake, and you’re a snake because you’re spineless, weak, nothing more than a creature that crawls on its stomach on the ground. Snakes are bad, evil things. Which is all you’ve ever been. Barely deserving of the good treatment I give you etc.” <-- all of which is basically a summary of what Saruman has been saying to him for a few years at this point (in the book, it’s only tangentially implied in the movies). 

So Grima sort of morphed himself into what he believed himself to be, fuelled by that perversity resentment causes: Oh you think I’m a snake? I’ll be the best goddamn most poisonous snake you ever did see. Just watch me. 

He is trapped in this situation. A hutch to trammel some wild thing in. 

Which leads me to an interesting point that I think gets lost sometimes: Narratively, he and Eowyn are similar in what they are experiencing. Isolation, being overlooked, misunderstood/misrepresented, don't fit into societal roles and expectations etc. They just go in very different directions in how they respond to it.

I think that's why, in the film, it was smart to have her give pause and listen to him because what he's saying resonates. He is, in some ways, speaking as much for himself as her. But then, of course, he's also just trying to shit disturb and make mischief so of course, at the end of the day, any sympathy he is attempting to convey is laced with poison.

I do wonder, too, if he's the first person to see her fear and her frustrations and acknowledges them out loud. Which is powerful. To have someone see you. Damn shame it's Grima. Still, Eowyn (in the film) paused and listened for a reason.

-

A brief aside on my idle, ill founded thoughts on gender and Rohan: 

One of the reasons I think Eowyn and Grima go in diverging directions, is that Eowyn is performing masculinity, in her society's accepted interpretation of it. Masculinity, in Middle Earth, is clearly the norm. And in Rohan, it’s a very particular iteration of military-focused masculinity that is idealized (you can bet, men who killed like 10 orcs were awarded places in court above Grima who served as advisor for like ten years but hasn’t killed an orc ever).

Eowyn’s desire to live/perform this more masculine ideal caters to the subconscious thing of “Masculinity is Natural Neutral Ideal” so of course you would want to be more like A Man. Whereas Grima is the opposite, not performing masculinity according to Rohan's accepted view of it.

And gods, in Anglo-Saxon culture (therefore, Rohan’s, most likely. I see no evidence to the contrary) is that a difficult position to find yourself in. Back in AS England, being called argr, unmanly, or to be accused of ergri, unmanliness, was one of the worst insults you could throw at a man (indeed, some laws said you could kill a man in retaliation for calling you such things). I would bet my shirt that people used such insults about Grima in this world. Which is all kinds of messed up.

-

Now, my interest in him is my general love for a good redemption arc for the most hopeless of characters. It’s why I struggle to call Boromir’s arc, when he’s written as living, a redemption arc. Because I don’t know he has much to redeem himself for. In his own mind, sure, yes, but externally? Not in my view, at least. He has things he’s done wrong and needs to make amends for. But that’s different from redemption.

Grima, on the other hand, is one whose walk-back from evil would be a full on redemption arc. And I like it because he’s not nice, he’s not pleasant. He will never be nice or pleasant or cheerful. But learning how to love and be a good person doesn’t require niceness. 

Saruman could be plenty nice. Sauron could be plenty nice. Look what they turned out to be.

And in my writing, I do hope I’m treading that line between creating an understanding of who Grima is without Kylo-Ren-ing him. Or, woobiefying him, as the old parlance was. That’s the line I’m really aiming for. I want people to not hate him. I want them to understand him. Oh, still condemn him, still judge him, disagree with him, acknowledge and know he did bad things and isn’t a nice person. But the end game is to add some understanding and nuance.

Shades of grey.

Also I’m a sucker for challenging redemptions.

--

Why Eomer/Grima? 

Because I am an agent of chaos. 

More seriously, I was never overly taken with the Grima/Eowyn approach, personally, which is obviously popular (um...within the Grima world), and closer to canon. There are some beautifully written fics and art out there for the two of them, so if you’re into that. The creators in that nook of fandom are top notch.

I always liked the drastic opposite of Grima and Eomer. As I noted above, Grima and Eowyn are two sides of the same coin. Both bitter and resentful and trapped. And that’s a lot of fun to play with, and i get it. But for me, I love a good strong contrast of personalities in my pairings. (If that uh … isn’t readily apparent.)

I think both Eomer and Grima would have a lot to teach each other and in some really interesting ways that neither would expect. I can see both getting under each other’s skin in that way where you’re sort of always thinking about them.

Grima is also someone who has had very little love in his life (I suspect he wants it, he just doesn’t know how to give or receive it). Eomer is someone who has lost a lot of people (parents, quasi-uncle for a few years there. I think it’s why he’s so controlling over Eowyn. Didn’t want to lose her). And I think there’s something in there where they could help each other grow. But I’m a sucker for some beauty to be there, in the end. Some hope.

Mostly, though, I think it boils down to their dynamic and the angst potential. Eomer is this brash, forthright, fiery third marshal of the mark who may or may not think things through. Big of heart, dumb of ass. Then there’s Grima who is quiet and reserved, cynical, critical, always has a plan or five, gets by via his wits etc. Lots of fun potential there. 

[dabistits]

To talk about Twice and villainy is to talk about class and criminality (II)

(Masterlist)

Poverty and crime in Japan

Despite Japan’s perception as a country with relatively low inequality, that reputation has somewhat suffered as capitalism advanced and the country faced economic downturns in the 1990s and 2000s. Japan still claims a high life expectancy, universal healthcare, and low infant mortality, but conversations about wealth have been ongoing: academic Sugimoto Yoshio records the changing discursive landscape that transformed Japan “from a uniquely homogeneous and uniform society to one of domestic diversity, class differentiation and other multidimensional forms.” Sugimoto describes the increasing discussion of a kakusa shakai, a disparity society, and the emergence of a karyu shakai—the underclass. Since Sugimoto’s article was published in 2010, [source] many issues of this kakusa shakai identified by him and academics from ten-plus years ago have persisted, such as the proliferation of non-regular workers (now comprising 15% of the labor force), [source] the growing wealth inequality being reflected in Japan’s aging population, and the increasing numbers of elderly poor. More recently, increasing attention has been devoted to the issue of child poverty, usually connected to the low incomes of single, working-class mothers. [source] In 2017, Japan’s relative rate of poverty rose to 16.3% (for comparison, the relative rate of poverty in the U.S. declined to 17.3%), and many non-regular workers expressed fears of getting sick and losing their jobs, remarking on their total lack of stability. [source] [source]

Reflecting working-class desperations worldwide, the most common crime in Japan throughout the Heisei era (1989-2019) was theft. Theft, particularly of material goods, should be thought of as a crime of need, arising out of a lack of a particular good and the money to pay for it. It’s a crime that points to a society with unmet needs, and an effort to criminalize those who try to have their needs met through their own power when social institutions refuse to help. It has long been asserted that the “concepts of "crime" are not eternal,” and that “the very nature of crime is social, and is defined by time and by place and by those who have the power to make the definitions.” The contested legality of abortion is a simple illustration of how definitions of “crime” are constantly in flux, constantly debated, and not at all intuitive or self-explanatory. Being able to label an action, a behavior, or a group of people “criminal” or “illegal” is an act of power, and people doing the labeling have a vested interest in determining what “crime” is. Activist Sabina Virgo, source of the previous quotes, elaborates: “The power to define is [...] the power of propaganda. [...] Most of us accept the images and definitions that we have been taught as true, neutral, self-evident, and for always; so the power [...] to define what is right and wrong, what is lawful and what is criminal, is really the power to win the battle for our minds. And to win it without ever having to fight it.” [source]

The choice to inscribe theft as a crime, as an act to be punished, is part of that propaganda. It’s the decision to criminalize poverty and to protect profit over people, rather than rightfully interpreting theft as a symptom of a dysfunctional system. In Japan, this looks like a large percentage of crimes getting committed by the elderly, particularly theft (90% of shoplifting offenders were elderly women), and a large percentage of incarcerated seniors, who by 2018 made up 12% of the prison population; on the other hand, the law is just beginning to address unethical workplace practices like overwork and power harassment, while facing a rising number of reports on domestic and sexual violence—the raw numbers of which are likely even higher than reported. [source] The difference between which acts are ruled criminal, and who gets criminalized for acting, lays stark the difference between the unethical actions undertaken by the powerful, and the criminalized actions undertaken by the powerless; the more an unethical act abides by and benefits entrenched systems of power, the more we are compelled to see it as normal and acceptable, whereas actions, however minuscule, that resist the hegemony of the capitalist class and reject its propaganda end overwhelmingly with more debt and prison time.

Family and class.

The socioeconomic forces that shift our societies are no less felt within the family structure, and family may be one of the first social units to see destabilization. In a world of increasing economic strife, it isn’t uncommon for parents to spend more hours working than at home, or even to travel abroad to provide for their family in their native country, to see traditional norms rewritten as children either move away or continue to live with their parents, as marriage and birth rates rise or fall, and as the elderly are either embraced back into the family structure or left to fend for themselves. Due to generational wealth, family is also often the determining factor for whether or not someone succeeds, to what degree, and with how much effort. Needless to say, when it comes to “class,” the topic of family receives much scrutiny as academics, journalists, and creators delve into the ways our notions of “family” shift according to time, class, and economics.

Consider that in Japan, and de facto in most countries in the world, the first and most important safety net in modern society is the family. “Public social protection schemes are based on the assumption that everyone is supported by family first,” [source] and this includes the assumption of financial assistance, and duties like procuring care for the family’s elderly. The Japanese family registry—the koseki—is a family tree that records births, deaths, and marriages, and is in many ways a codification of the centrality of family, bloodline, and inheritance. [source] When a character like Jin says that he’s “someone without roots,” perhaps our first impulse is to imagine it as a description of emotional relationships, a difficulty he experiences because others can’t relate to him, but it’s not purely an intangible feeling; there are very tangible repercussions to being “unrooted.” Without a stable family, “unrooted” people miss the safety net that family is supposed to be—they miss its protection. Under a system that expects the worst scourges of modernity to be alleviated by the family, this leaves the “unrooted” out in the cold.

These failures on the part of the traditional family structure to account for prosperity, whether it be through generational poverty, through abuse, or through instability and absence, often leads to a restructuring of these bonds. In Japan, “when the economic bubble burst and the recession exposed the illusion of permanent and stable employment for the diligent workforce, the children found that attaining a better living than their parents through hard work and better education was no longer guaranteed,” and once economic success was no longer guaranteed through traditional paths, children’s bonds “shifted to more individualized, voluntary ties.” [source] Of course, shifting economic conditions aren’t the only reason for non-blood-related individuals to come together—many also come from backgrounds of loss or rejection. As a columnist wrote: “Tragedy and suffering have pushed people together in a way that goes deeper than just a convenient living arrangement. They become, as the anthropologists say, “fictive kin.””

BNHA poignantly embodies these dynamics as Jin tearfully declares that the LOV gave him a “place to belong.” In Japanese, the term used is 居場所 (ibasho), a phrasing which contains the 居 kanji for “residing” or “residence,” as well as “to exist” (it reprises in “I was happy to be (居られて) here” in Jin’s final thoughts). A literal reading could render ibasho as a “place to reside,” or a “place to exist”—something offered only by the friends Jin made, who are a sanctuary from the public that overlooked his alienation, rendering him invisible and denying him existence. For their parts, the other villains are also marked by an ambiguous relationship to their biological family, if not an absence altogether. Himiko and Tomura, whose backstories were touched upon in the same arc, led contentious family lives: Himiko’s parents appeared to regularly condemn their child, and the repeated rebukes that Tomura (Tenko) endured from his father—including an incident of physical assault—resulted in the awakening of Decay and the deaths of his family.

These three were remnants of broken traditional families, scattered and largely isolated across the country. Originally united as a villain group bound loosely by similar goals, they eventually came to rely on each other for survival once the stability of All For One’s hideout and resources were stripped away, leaving them to face a hostile world saturated by incessant policing and villain power struggles. Mutual protection became not only necessary for survival, but necessary for triumph—the League of Villains are consistently shown to be at their best when working as a team, operating on a mixture of communication and even blind trust. Ironically, it’s only when they try to bring outsiders into the fold that the situation goes awry, suggesting that their strength isn’t in numbers or recruitment, but in the relationships they’ve built between one another, relationships that ultimately coalesced under the unpopular worldview that maybe there is nothing wrong with them, but something very wrong with the world. What the readers come to understand is that the LOV are no longer only convenient allies: they can best be understood as a residence for a group of outcasted people with similar experiences and outlooks, who finally found in each other the shelter that traditional family had failed to provide.

[indigopurple]

Basically a review of OP episode 503 ig

Currently rewatching post-war arc (in the dub so I don't have any screenshots for u guys sry) and theres a few things id like to point out.

During a conversation Dadan once had with Garp, they were talking about Roger. Garp said that even if they were facing powerful enemies, he would never run away because he wouldnt dare leaving his comrads behind; it wasnt an option for him. Obviously we see this in Ace. But ALSO, isnt this what he did with Katakuri? It was a little different cuz of the setting mostly, but he separated himself from his crew to fight off katakuri, and lied to them about being okay so they didn't worry (he was already getting his ass kicked by then, so he just made that stupid smile and told them not to worry (or smth like that, I can remember the exact line) (that smile was so gross and fake cuz he fucking sucks at lying). Also he said roger destroyed a buncha soldiers cuz they mouthed off his men. That's what Ace tried to do but instead he died. :(

"The pain he went through just made him hold on tighter to the ones he loved" -Garp, about Roger. "Despite his flaws and his bad reputation, his crew still trusted him completely." -also Garp, about Roger. These both sound a lot like Luffy AND Ace.

When Dogra got home and told everyone about Sabo's ship being shit down and him dying (which we all know didnt happen, thank fuck), (by the way the absolutely lost looks on Ace's and Luffy's faces with the sudden silence hurt like a bitch), Luffy started crying and said "WE SHOULDNT'A LET HIM GO, IT'S ALL OUR FAULT". Which fucking says something about him (thinking of episodes 913-915 when he goes fucking berserk, but before that he learns that Kaido probably killed Tama and he says "I should've escorted them..!" (*ugly cries*)). Ace also reacted pretty similarly-- "Sabo...why didn't we go back into town and bring him back here?! We're so stupid!" And he gets mad and asks where he could find the bastard that killed him (obviously not getting a good answer since it was a fucking celestial dragon ugh). That is what Luffy does, in present time. He results to anger first, not sadness. Not sure when he learned to do that but I'm 99 percent sure it was from Ace. Also the blaming himself thing? High chance thats ALSO from Ace. Who else would teach him that self hating behaviour?!

Dadan pins Ace down to stop him from going after the Celestial Dragon to calm him down, telling him he cant do anything, he's not big or strong enough to do anything and he'll be killed as soon as he tries anything, especially since it was the whole country -the whole WORLD- that killed Sabo. He can't do anything. And then they tied him to a tree outside to let him cool off. Oh yeah then he also told luffy to stop crying like a little girl or else he'll- (and he didn't finish the sentence). ...Ok maybe thats why luffy started being more angry than sad.

This is where things get a little more :( . Ace reads the letter Sabo sent them before he died. As he reads, he walks to the end of the forest, to a cliff overlooking the ocean. And starts fucking bawling (btw the voice actor who had Ace's childhood part did not do a very good job, no where near as in character and real as Coleen Clickenberg did with all of Luffy's crying scenes. She was spot on.) ...do you see where im going with that? He isolated himself before letting himself feel sad. It was all rage and then calm beforehand. Y-you see where im going with that. Dont make me say it.

"How's Luffy doing, is he any better?" "Well...he hasnt been eating much, but he still eats twice as much as we do". Oh look, That's what happened after Ace died too. There's a behavioral pattern that hasnt gone away. Not sure why it wouldve tho.

Luffy is mopeing, lying on the ground in a similar setting ace was at when he cried. Hes thinking about some of the things Sabo said, like how theyre gonna sail the seas together, and he clenches his hands into tight, shaking fists. After Ace shows up and hits him, and talking abt some other stuff I don't feel like relaying, Luffy tightens his grip on the straw hat and tells ace, whimpering, he wants to get stronger (and stronger, and stronger, and stronger and stronger and....) And he wants to be the strongest in the world. "And then, I'll protect everyone. I won't lose anyone I care about". He gets stronger mainly to protect the people he loves. And then he asks ace to promise he won't die. To which he hits Luffy again and tells him he should be more worried about himself dying first. And then the famous line that hurts like a bitch- "I'm NEVER going to DIE!" And then this hopeful music comes on (fucking damnit funimation, u gotta do this? Really??) Also he says he wont die as long as he has a wussy little brother to protect. ...FUCK. Ok, the fist clenching is a thing he does all the fucking time, usually when he gets mad. This was different because he wasnt mad, he was sad. He clenched his fist because thinking about it hurt. Which, huh, sounds a lot like his whole episode after waking up from his 2 week coma on the polar tang. To try and stop the mental pain of those horrendous memories, he resulted to physically pain. He hurt himself. So, He clenches his fists in times like these to fight off the mental pain and the urge to cause himself physical pain. Guys, our boy is bad at emotions, help him. ....ok this paragraph is longer than I anticipated so ill dumb down the rest of it ig. Next part, him asking ace to promise he wont die. The music, the body language, the over change in mood- this comforts him. He stopped hiding his face and silently sobbing after ace said this. OH YEAH! didn't he tell jinbe not to die when they parted ways in Totto Land? And then, hes missing still in Wano and we see Luffy is worried....but convinced Jinbe will show up. Again, this comforts him. Hes nervous cuz someone KOFF KOFF ACE broke that promise once. But jinbe is his crew mate so he trusts him, thank god.

"-But whoever did it, they must be opposed to freedom." The whole freedom thing? That runs through Luffy's blood and spirit.His brothers fought for it, his dad is the man who strives to give everyone freedom basically, and Luffy himself has seen enough of the OPPOSITE of freedom to be so, so much more than just against it. Hence why he of course was so eager to free the slaves in Sabaody, the kids in punk hazard, the toys in dressrosa, the country of Wano from Kaido's tyrany. The apple doesnt fall far from the tree huh.

I dont think Luffy would remember his promise with Shanks if it werent for his brothers putting feul to his dream. It was a stupid bet at first; he just wanted to beat Shanks, right then. But after meeting Sabo and Ace, he found the opposite of freedom and human rights. And then he wanted, REALLY wanted, to become the free-est man in the world; the pirate king.

Last one i promise ok? This one is less connected to whats going on in the episode at this point, but something I noticed (its so obvious everyone has seen this ok) was when luffy cries, his posture is always open. He doesn't curl in on himself like many people would do (I know I would, lol). He doesnt hug himself, protect himself. He's just, opened up to whoever is watching, literally. This has a little more to do with something I haven't talked about much in this post yet; his self-destruction issues. I said he tried to hurt himself when he felt mental pain, which is definitely similar. But he cries and doesnt try to protect or comfort himself, like he doesn't have that programmed into his mind. Reminder that he only wants to live because of his dream, and if he doesnt have his dream, he wants to die. (Whoa.). Ok, so no self preservation mechanism at all rlly. Hes basically ride or die. So, when things hurt so much that he cries, he has no hope left. He just kinda...dies inside. So this was mildly different after sabo died. Yes we saw him just standing there, sobbing. But the next day he's still crying, and instead he's laying on the ground. I saw that and the voice in the back of my head told me he wanted to be a part of that lifeless dirt beneath him. Then, Ace walked over. And his words made him feel the hope that I told you about earlier, and he sat up into a sitting position. And HUGGED HIS LEGS TO HIS CHEST. There's some self preservation! Some hope! Some will to exist, to live! Something we saw none of as he sat in front of his brothers corpse, shutting down. He sat there, open to his enemies, incapable of protecting himself. Practically anyone couldve killed him right then and there. I think he mightve liked that, at that moment. Like thank god he has that stupidly good luck cuz if he didn't I swear someone couldve thrown and axe or FUCKING ANYTHING AT THAT MOMENT and hed be dead becuase he never physically or mentally prepared himself. On purpose.

Our poor boy needs some fucking attention and therapists. (Insert my rant post about how jinbe is on the crew primarily for anger management and therapy, not just being a helmsman.) Ugh, smh ugly cries

Aaaaand thats about the end of the episode. Theres so many little tics and peesonality traits that you notive thru this episode, and I only noticed them cuz im rewatching this part of the show for like the third time. I don't react as much as the first time of course but some things are definitely sadder after knowing what's going on and what will happen later on.

Moral of the story (post)? I think luffy is almost equally as alike -if not, more similar to roger as ace is. Also, high key genuinely think Luffy met like NO ONE but Garp before he met Shanks and his crew. What the fuck was his first like 5 years of being alive like? (He wantd to be a pirate cuz Garp didnt want that. Rebellious baby asshole. And then shanks made things worse, in a good way for luffy. And then ace and sabo made that worse thing worse for a good reason. Luffy lives...for those influences. And that is fucking it. Why.

Oh thanks tumblr for moving my picture to the bottom of the post u fucking idiot

[hkctvdramas]

What Makes a Good Partner

I’ve decided to compile a list of qualities and requirements for a good partner or rather a good relationship, based on what I’ve witnessed in real life and what can be seen in Asian dramas.

1)  Have intimacy and attraction for each other   

Pretty much with any romantic relationship, if there’s no attraction or intimacy, then at most the relationship is just platonic or friendship based. This is the first requirement for a romantic relationship to happen and this is also the first thing that dies when a relationship is deteriorating. I’ve heard from multiple people who are married that this was the first indicator that something is not right between two people and is also the one that will lead to insecurity among the one who is in need of it most or bothered by it.

2)  Have respect, trust, and appreciation for each other

I rank these requirements as necessities for a good solid relationship of any sort. Mutual respect for each other without a sense of contempt. Trust that the other can performed certain expectations you lay out and meet them according to your needs. Showing appreciation for each other either verbally and/or through actions. An example of this in the drama: No Regrets between Cheng Gau Mui & Lau Sing. They pretty much respect each other without looking down on other person and trust the other person with their life during times of danger. They also show their appreciation for being there for each other during times of need and would say good words about one another in public. Creating this foundation in a relationship is a good indicator to whether a relationship can end in a good note or a complete disaster. 

3)  Can be silly and vulnerable with each other 

This requires good communication and understanding between two people. There is also a sense of trust and willingness to let go of one’s insecurity so the other person can truly fall in love with the real you. One good example is : Kill Me, Heal Me with Cha Do Hyun &  Oh Ri Jin. With the two of sharing their vulnerabilities and even showing different sides to them, they are able to the other in a different light. Deep down everyone’s human with a painful past and sometimes we all just wish to be accepted and loved for who we are.

4)  Be of good support/influence for each other 

I’ve included this because even if we do accept the other for who they are, we also need that person to be of good influence in our life and actually lift us up instead of pulling us down. One example is: Ode to Joy 2 with An Di & Bao Yi Fan. Different than her first boyfriend, Bao Yi Fan actually try to pace his courtship with An Di according to her comfort level. He also is a good support for her emotionally and mentally giving her courage and strength to face her inner fears and insecurities.

5)  Have similar professions or financial standing 

Some people might be bias about this. But for me, I’ve noticed that this is an important requirement that many people tend to overlook and later regret. I’ve noticed that finances is usually one of the factors for divorce and a deep sense of resentment that builds overtime among those who do separate. It’s unfortunate that many Asian dramas tend to sell the idea of a Cinderella love story, but I’ve seen many couple end up unhappy after marriage when there is a level of difference in income or profession. My reasoning for different professions having difficulty is because sometimes the people in the relationship cannot relate to the other’s work and the crazy work hours if they are constantly away for long period of time. As for financial standing, one partner will feel resentment towards that other person who is not working or is making less as they feel like they are the breadwinner and need to support the other person. Due to the difference in income, there’s bound to be a level of inequality in the relationship and a high chance of abuse (using money as a weapon) and creating a codependent dynamic. I highly don’t recommend this as it will lead you feeling trapped in a relationship and at the mercy of one making more money.

6)  Have parents/in-laws approve of your relationship 

This is also another thing that people tend to overlook when deciding to get married. I know that with younger generations, we tend to be rebellious and believing that our family don’t understand the person we love. I’ve also fallen into this belief and guess what, it created a lot of unnecessary stress and fall out with families. The worst part is ending up isolating yourself with your close families and friends for a person whom you believe will bring you happiness. Some people would say that love conquers all and the advice I give is unless your parents and his parents are completely shitty and abusive towards you then maybe it might be a consideration. But if growing up with your family who is caring and have not treated you poorly, then please do trust their judgment for they have a clearer view of the partner in question than the rosy goggled eye you. Do listen to their concerns. While if your parents and his parents approve of the relationship and have no negative impression then the relationship will be very smooth sailing.

7) Have similar values and outlook on life (regarding lifestyle and child rearing)

This goes back to understanding yourself and your partner. Having similar views on how the two of you want to share life with make things easy. Similar views like religion, cultural values, where to live, how to spend your money, how many children you like to have, and what type of parenting you two agree upon, etc. If there is any discrepancy in values and outlook on life, the two of you really need to sit down and talk about the reasons behind the choices. If you two feel strongly about something but are of polar opposites about the issue, then perhaps it’s not a good fit. Rather to leave early than deep digger into the relationship, which will eventually leave the two of you with unfulfilled needs.  

8) Share household chores

Trust me, this will be an issue unless someone is rich enough to hire nannies, butlers, chefs, maids, and cleaners to take care of everything or your partner truly enjoys cooking, cleaning, and child rearing. 

9) Share common interest 

As least share something in common to talk about so that the two of you will feel connected. If there is nothing, then life is too long to be spending time with someone who don’t share a certain level of excitement or enjoyment with. Example: Love O2O with Xiao Nai & Wei Wei, sharing their love for video games. It helps build a sense of connection and understanding as well as a bond between the two of you.

10) Have less or no stress being together 

I never knew this was a requirement until actually experiencing the joy of a stress-free relationship without the drama. Trust me, it’s so worth it because it takes your mind off of the relationship and allows you to focus time on self enjoyment. Yes, you do need time for yourself to relax and refresh so that when the two of you spend time together it will actually be quality time. It will be more memorable and more enjoyable because the two of you are living in the moment without extra needed stress.

What makes a stress-free relationship? It’s when discussing about disagreements in the relationship is not like pulling teeth. There is no stone-walling, no contempt, no criticism and no defensiveness. Two people are able to work together to create a solution that both party are happy with. The other is willing to respond maturely and make necessary changes for make the other person happy without holding grudges. You two are aware of each other’s strengths and weaknesses and come together to provide the necessary tools to teach and learn from each other, giving each other the best of each of your qualities. Knowing that a relationship is equal partnership and if one person fail, it’s both who are responsible for the failure.

This is what I have learned over the 5 years of dating which leads to me dating my current boyfriend of 1.5 years. Living together for 1 years and yet I have more good words to say about him than negative things. I appreciate him each day for consistently fulfilling all these necessary requirements I look for. I hope you guys find this helpful. Share, comment, let me know what you think. =)

[minorinterest-a]

moon horoscope

So, over a year ago I made a post with the help of some friends about the affinity system in FE6-10 and how it could be used as a horoscope in those respective in-game universes, and what that might resemble or be determined.  You can read about that here.

Today, I give you one derived from Fódlan's moons!  Here's what you'll find:

Importance of the moon

Overview Horoscope

Other headcanons

Cross-reference to the Affinity Horoscope (for fun!)

This post will mostly be spoiler free, EXCEPT for its inclusion of Byleth.  It contains information found after chapter 9 of all routes, so as long as you paid attention it's something you'd already know once you got to that point.  For others who's ages are not given, I've made an educated guess.

DISCLAIMER: This is in no way based off any real life horoscopes, but rather the characters represented in the game.  I could have easily assigned Capricorn to being equivalent to the Guardian Moon, but I decided to be difficult and make all this up myself!  It's more fun that way.

The Importance of the Moon

Cosmology is actually very relevant to Fódlan culture.  Each of the month's introductions in the first part of the game often incorporate the moon, or specific stars into how the common culture interacts with that month.  For example, there is one star that is commonly believed to be the Goddess Herself, and that Her home is in the heavens means She's looking down on Her people throughout the year.  Not only is the moon one of these celestial bodies of holy relevance, but it can, when full, light the sky and allow farmers to harvest crops past sundown, help travelers navigate despite the dark, and allow hunter's arrows to strike true even when the wolves are hungriest.  Because of that, the moon's phases are carefully watched by noble and commoner alike, and as a result, assumptions have developed based on which moon a child was born under.

Commonly, people who believe deeply in the horoscope will also take note of which phase of the moon their child was born under.  They will often assume that a child born under a full moon will greatly display traits associated with that moon, while a child born under a new moon will display their personality more subtly.  Differing opinions reign for the phases in between, with some thinking that babies born under waxing moons will be more straightforward while those in waning moons will often hide their assumed traits with the opposite.  These auxiliary opinions are not held by the public at large, and it's rare to find two fortune tellers that agree on what the phases one's born under mean.  That said, as always with horoscopes, there are people who believe deeply in them, and are likely convinced of one idea over another.

Guardian Moon

The Guardian Moon is characterized by cold weather and harsh winds.  It's during this moon that Saint Seiros first appeared with her message from the Goddess.  Children born under this moon are assumed to be closest to Seiros, of all the four saints, either in appreciation or personality.  Guardian people are also said to be steadfast, if not stubborn, and do not often change their minds easily.  Their devotion means they make good knights or clergy. Characters born under this moon: Ingrid, Rhea, Gilbert Holidays in this moon: Saint Seiros Day

Pegasus Moon

During the Pegasus Moon, Fódlan sees its harshest snowstorms.  Fódlan's throat is at its hardest to navigate, isolating the continent from its eastern neighbor, Almyra. And accordingly, Pegasus people tend to be independent, if not closed off from others.  While that isn't to say they're introverted, they never mind being left to their own devices.  Any coldness to them is superficial, but they can come off as abrasive.  There is no singular career they fit well – they do best when allowed to follow their own paths. Characters born under this moon: Hilda, Hanneman, Felix, Lysithea

Lone Moon

The Lone Moon stands by itself in an empty sky, bright against the starless blanket across the heavens. It signifies the end of winter, though as the cold still lingers, it doesn't mark the coming of spring, but rather reminds the world below of the inevitability of change.  Similar to those born under the Pegasus Moon, Lone people can appear rather... lonely.  Their introversion is not a result of any harsh behavior, but ends up being more of a personal preference – plenty of them are warm and friendly, but also know that they're always better going at their own pace.  Because of this, they do their best work in positions where they don't necessarily need to work with others, and don't need to focus on the broader picture. Characters born under this moon: Ignatz, Shamir Holidays in this moon: Saint Indech Day

Great Tree Moon

Under the Great Tree Moon, Fódlan warms and flowers begin to bloom.  Spring was a whisper during the Lone Moon, but now it's begun in earnest.  Suitably, Great Tree children are presumed to be warm and beautiful.  Like a tree, they stand proud and sturdy in their ideals, and carry them close to their hearts for their entire days.  As a heavy storm can cause branches to break, Great Tree children are often advised to be flexible or avoid turbulence in their lives.  These people make good politicians. Characters born under this moon: Hubert, Ferdinand

Harpstring Moon

Under the Harpstring Moon is when Fódlan begins planting its crops.  The warm and crisp summer air is a reminder of life and living, and it's during this moon where many festivals and local celebrations take place.  The moon is named after the sound of song, and under it, children are welcomed with great jubilation.  They are said to be cheerful people, and often assumed to possess some sort of innate musical talent.  Regardless of that being true, they're able to get along well with people from all sorts of life.  Hard workers, Harpstring people can succeed at anything they put their mind to. Characters born under this moon: Annette, Raphael, Mercedes Holidays in this moon: Saint Macuil Day

Garland Moon

The Garland Moon sees the beginning of the rainy season.  It's also a month of romance, as tradition holds women give white roses to those they have crushes on.  This tradition has steeped into the horoscope superstition, and Garland people are commonly considered romantics at heart, or otherwise very in touch with romance in other ways.  This can conflict with their rainy nature – despite their desire for affection, they often experience moody or vengeful feelings that can keep them from being completely honest with their own emotions.  They're also known to do whatever they want to do, whenever they want to do it, and by whatever means. Characters born under this moon: Sylvain, Lorenz, Edelgard

Blue Sea Moon

The Blue Sea Moon marks the return of the Blue Sea Star, long associated as the Goddess' throne from which She watches the continent.  Celebrations are held in its return in the sky, welcoming the Goddess home, and praying for Her to once again walk among Her people.  Blue Sea children can be worriers, with many people believing their moods plummet with the disappearance of the star during the Ethereal Moon.  Still, these people are best at smiling during hardships, and cheering up others when it's needed the most.  As Saint Cethleann was born in this day, it's common for people to look for her personality traits – compassionate, cheerful, thoughtful – in Blue Sea people. Characters born under this moon: Caspar, Flayn, Claude Holidays in this moon: Saint Cethleann Day, Rite of Rebirth

Verdant Rain Moon

The Verdant Rain Moon is characterized by stormy weather, especially alongside Fódlan's coasts.  At the end, the people expect a stunning rainbow across the newly sunny skies.  It marks the worst of, and the end of the rainy season.  Like the weather, Verdant Rain children are said to be turbulent.  Their storms can cause issues in their personal lives or their relationships, but at the same time, they can be predictable, and offer great help where it's needed, just as rain, no matter how hard it hits, gives life to the earth.  At their best, Verdant Rain people are beacons of kindness or justice, and at their worst, they are wild and uncontrollable.  Advice for them usually contains a warning to watch out for their own emotions. Characters born under this moon: Manuela, Leonie, Dedue

Horsebow Moon

The Horsebow Moon begins the season of harvest, which continues into the Wyvern Moon.  Food gained from hunting is plentiful, and taken advantage of.  It's a call for common men to string their bows and set out before the world cools too much, and is a moon of action.  Those born under the Horsebow moon are reliable and stick fast to the decisions they've made.  They often are considered strong warriors or skilled hunters, so they make great mercenaries or knights.  Advice for Horsebow children usually warns them to watch people who may force them into a path they don't wish to take, because Horsebow people stick to whichever path they're already traveling. Characters born under this moon: Petra, Catherine, Byleth, Dorothea Holidays in this moon: Leicester Alliance Founding Day

Wyvern Moon

The Wyvern Moon ushers in preparations for wintertime.  As the weather cools, harvests are concluded, hunts continue, and food spreads to those keeping it for winter.  This time is considered busy and important, every one has a task, and the days roll by quickly.  Because of this, Wyvern children can be often forgotten.  Jokes are often made that firstborn sons are never born Wyvern.  This means they end up independent, or supporting only from a secondary position.  They don't usually end up taking center stage, but that doesn't mean they aren't valuable in their own right.  With being overlooked comes a freedom many never know. Characters born under this moon: Ashe, Cyril Holidays in this moon: End of the War of the Eagle and Lion

Red Wolf Moon

During the Red Wolf Moon, Fódlan begins to witness the cold from the north.  This moon is named after wolves, bathed in red from the setting sun, that cross paths with hunters while they look for food.  Though wolves are ferocious in Fódlan, they can't be blamed for looking for food during their own winters.  Like these wolves, Red Wolf children can often be misunderstood, or otherwise alienated from their peers.  They don't typically mind being left to their own, but as wolves make packs, these people would also like to find a place of belonging of their own.  Sometimes, it is said, a Red Wolf child needs to put away their fangs and claws before any one can get too close. Characters born under this moon: Linhardt, Marianne Holidays in this moon: Holy Kingdom of Faerghus Founding Day

Ethereal Moon

The Ethereal Moon is named for the fleeting nature of all things.  It is when the Blue Sea Star goes back into hiding, and the Goddess begins praying endlessly for peace across Fódlan.  This changing nature is said to be present in Ethereal children as well, though just as the cycle of the stars is slow, Ethereal children change over time.  Their nature is one towards growth and progress.  They aren't people who remain stagnant their whole lives, though of course change isn't always for the better...  Their inclination towards change also makes them susceptible to being influenced or even manipulated, without completely knowing. Characters born under this moon: Alois, Bernadetta, Dimitri, Seteth Holidays in this moon: White Heron Cup, Garreg Mach Founding Day, Saint Cichol Day

Other Headcanons

All moons with a recognized Saint Day (Saint Cichol Day, Saint Seiros Day) also foist the known and popularized character traits of those Saints on those born under it. This is especially true in very religious areas.

Because of the importance of Crests across Fódlan's nobility, superstitions have arose that children born under some moons will be more likely to bear one, especially if it's during a full moon.  The moon in question varies from region to region.

Related to the above, it's not uncommon for anyone to have a basic understanding of the moon's phases and cycles.  A high-quality midwife is one who not only can help you determine a baby's due date, but also under which phase of the moon that day will be.

Like all horoscopes, moons can be used in match-making, fortune telling, and other fun nonsense that I haven't written in this post in depth.

Because of the relation to the Goddess Star and other religious iconography, many places outside Fódlan do not believe in this same horoscope.  They may even have different horoscopes, or nothing at all!

Cross-reference

For fun and to be self indulgent, I did the math and looked at every character who has a given birthday in game and determined which affinity they'd have based on my affinity horoscope from last year.  For more about affinity horoscopes, that link is here.

For Fódlan I'm using this schedule (completely arbitrary):

Sunday – Light Monday – Ice Tuesday – Thunder Wednesday – Wind Thursday – Dark Friday – Earth Saturday – Fire

Black Eagles

Edelgard – Fire

Hubert – Light

Ferdinand – Thunder

Linhardt – Earth

Caspar – Thunder

Bernadetta – Dark

Dorothea – Fire

Petra – Ice

Blue Lions

Dimitri – Earth

Dedue – Earth

Felix – Dark

Sylvain – Light

Ashe – Earth

Mercedes – Thunder

Annette – Earth

Ingrid – Fire

Golden Deer

Claude – Wind

Lorenz – Wind

Raphael – Fire

Ignatz – Earth

Marianne – Light

Lysithea – Light

Leonie – Light

Hilda – Light

Church of Seiros

Byleth – Heaven

Hanneman – Dark

Manuela – Fire

Alois – Fire

Catherine – Ice

Shamir – Ice

Gilbert – Wind

Cyril – Thunder

Flayn – Ice

Seteth – Dark

Rhea – Wind

I found these affinities by using this site.  Fódlan year 1181 is a leap year starting on a Thursday, so I compared dates to our year 1880, since the last two numbers are only one off to the Fódlan year.  Then, I looked at how old the characters are (where their birth year wasn't given in the roster) and went back the appropriate years to compare.  (For instance, Edelgard was born in Fódlan 1162, so I looked at 1861.)  The website I linked also marks on which nights have full, quarter, and new moons, in case you want to look at it more in depth than I went into!

Thank you for reading my whole post! I worked very hard on this just so we could all have fun, so please feel free to use this information however you please!  You're very welcome to reblog it or reference it however you please!

HAVE FUN!

[missvalerietanner]

tagged by @jmhwriterblog​ and yeah, ‘course I’m gonna do writing stuff ;p

Rules: Answer the questions and then tag as many writers as there are questions answered (or as many as you can) to spread the positivity! Even if these questions are not explicitly brought up in the novel, they are still good to keep in mind when writing.

FIRST LOOK

(using The Seven Kings, ‘cause that’s what I’m wrapped up in right now)

1. Describe your novel in 1-2 sentences (elevator pitch)

The brutal assassination of a king sparks the partnership between a hated half-breed hungry for revenge and a well-educated prince whose father arranged said assassination. 

2. How long do you plan for your novel to be? (Is it a novella, single book, book series, etc.)

Editing the first book right now. Still need to finish its ending. And I was so excited, I might have already started to write the sequel... ‘bout two solid chapters in so far. AND there’s enough happening that it’d probably be a trilogy. 

3. What is your novel’s aesthetic?

I... suck at this question every time I see it.

I guess... I’mma have to go with redemption. 

4. What other stories inspire your novel?

Legend of Zelda for sure, mainly inspiration for the diverse kingdoms and people. And then, I dunno, there’s probably a little bit of every fantasy movie and book I’ve ever seen/read tucked in this story somewhere. 

5. Share 3+ images that give a feel for your novel

clicky - takes you to WeHeartIt

MAIN CHARACTER

6. Who is your protagonist?

Valerie Tanner and Eli Orphesis (named him during my Greek obsession)

7. Who is their closest ally?

They gain several throughout the story, but the main two are Roderick, a rancher and old friend of Valerie’s (practically a second father to her), and Elyn, one of the queen’s handmaidens who joins them on their journey. Oh and then Aaron pops up later, and he’s an old ally of Valerie’s as well. 

8. Who is their enemy?

Mainly: Darrean Orphesis (yep, Eli’s dad)

9. What do they want more than anything?

Valerie wants revenge for Garrett’s death, and Eli wants to forge a path to his own future, a future not doomed to exist in the shadow of his father.

10. Why can’t they have it?

Valerie: gaining revenge changes nothing; Garrett’s still dead, and she’s still an outsider

Eli: he has to grow up and learn who he is without his father’s title protecting him, and there are a LOT of tough lessons on the road ahead for my boy. 

11. What do they wrongly believe about themselves?

Valerie believes she’s completely alone and useless. She believes her life is worth little, and that spending her life in service to better people/better men is the best she can do.

Eli ... is pretty arrogant, so his are kinda negative. He believes he’s untouchable, that he’s immune to certain feelings (like pity and loss). He thinks he has all the answers.

12. Draw your protagonist! (Or share a description)

Valerie: 28, 5′8″ (172 CM), weighs 135 pounds (yes, I did), lean and muscular, smaller-than-average bust size, wavy brown hair that ends between her shoulder blades, deep/dark brown eyes, Caucasian, Ossa tattoo on her upper left arm (all black ink), muscular stomach, narrow hips, fit legs, covered in old/faded scars from battle and/or training, wears: black trousers that fit tight, knee-high boots, a fit undershirt to keep the girls pinned down and covered (;p), and a loose white overshirt to keep her cool. 

Eli: ~26, 6′2″ (188 CM - people of his race are tall as fuck), blue skin (similar to Oxford blue but a hair lighter), black hair that is a bit shorter than shoulder-length and he keeps it in a low ponytail at the nape of his neck (sexy!), bright golden eyes, muscular and well-built, hands lack callouses (only trained, never fought), no scars or wounds, wears proper royal clothes like a prince should (tunic, trousers, knee-high boots, waistcoat, the works)

PLOT POINTS

13. What is the internal conflict?

Learning to accept help, realizing that people are more than their pasts or their titles and especially their race

14. What is the external conflict?

A power-hungry king and his massive army of well-trained, well-armed soldiers who are all purebloods, so they all have magical abilities.

15. What is the worst thing that could happen to your protagonist?

For Valerie, losing the people she loves who she tries to protect. She’s watched so many die. She tends to be pretty self-sacrificing because she’d rather jump in harm’s way and die if it means saving someone else. (She has some self-esteem issues as well, so wanting to be someone’s shield makes her feel useful, and therefore, good. She also values others’ lives over her own.)

For Eli... Failure’s a big one for him. He’s probably afraid to die, but I’d say failing and letting down those around him is worse. His mother went to great lengths to make sure he was cultured and well-educated, so with all his knowledge, if he fails, yeah, that’d probably be what would crush him more than anything. 

16. What secret will be revealed that changes the course of the story?

Probably the reveal of Eli’s power. He was never trained as a child like he should’ve been (for reasons!), and so since he’s a pureblood, his powers developed on their own. He’s powerful but uncontrolled, so his abilities start leaking out, so to speak, on their own.

The reveal of what his power actually is, is a good moment. It’s subtle, but as each of the other characters begin to realize just how much power he wields, they also start to realize how REAL everything is becoming: like the war, their chances of survival, etc.  

17. Do you know how it ends?

Yes. I know the jist. I know what I’m aiming for. How I get there, I dunno, and what’s said or done when we get there, I dunno. 

I know which port I want to dock in. Just not what it looks like. 

;p

(I swear I am not drinking.)

BITS AND BOBS

18. What is the theme?

Hmm... unity for sure, redemption’s a big one, some focus on equality, but I’d say mostly it’s about people finding their place in the world by following their own intuitions rather than falling into the role provided for them or forced upon them. 

[cue Disney music]

19. What is a reoccurring symbol?

Valerie has a tattoo on her upper left arm that marks her as a member of Ossa, so basically an outsider. After what happens in the opening chapters, she keeps the tattoo hidden whenever possible. But its meaning causes some tension with... basically everyone she meets. 

...there’s probably others, but I can’t think of any that don’t require a lot of explaining... and I was pretty vague on the tattoo for reasons.

20. Where is the story set? (Share a description)

In the country of Nubrya (hate the name, can’t find one yet to replace it). It’s the border country on a massive continent and is encircled by three (possibly four or five... haven’t finished plotting the map) other countries to its east, west, and north. The south of Nubrya is open to the water. Its eastern edge rises into steep cliffs overlooking coves dug into the mountain side to house the nation’s ships during the winter. The western border levels off into desert. The north is rocky terrain, isolated, and sitting on a raised plateau, so every step from the heart of Nubrya upward is a hike. And to the northeast, there is a massive mountain range, upon which one of the Seven Kingdoms sits. And to the east/southeast (before the cliffs) are the farms and vineyards of the country.

Every type of landscape and temperature zone and climate is represented. 

21. Do you have any images or scenes in your mind already?

Since the first book’s finished except for a few scenes and the final fight leading up to the already-written ending, most of the scenes are already down on paper. The second book, however, oh, boy! I have SO much planned and cannot wait for the willingness to write it down. XD

22. What excited you about this story?

I originally wrote this story back in high school. As you can tell by my username, I’ve kept the characters with me through the years. :] Recently (meaning last year, I think), I got to thinking about the original story from high school (titled: “The Unknown Soldier,” I think), and I missed it. So I dug out the original copy, started reading it, and by about, oh I dunno, page 2, I was ready to hang myself ‘cause the writing was THAT BAD.

But the plot was a good one. The characters were half-developed, but they had the potential to be so much better. So I remolded them, fleshed them out, added a ton more characters, revamped the settings, added MORE settings, dumped in a whole bunch of emotional turmoil, updated some names, increased the stakes tenfold, added more magical/fantasy elements, and landed these characters in a MUCH better story. 

A lot about the story excites me, but to know I revitalized an old story, pried it off the gurney, and zapped it back to life--a life better than the one it had before--that excites me. :]

23. Tell us about your usual writing method!

Frantic. Messy.

I write scenes as they come to me. Stitch them together later with transitions, and edit to fix any time lapses or to plug in missing information. I do outline, but they look like this:

Guy does this thing. it’s cool, but not too cool. Then girl finds out. And note for later: the girl’s really a guy. OH! And remember by scene five to put in a live rooster or else the whole chicken joke won’t make ANY SENSE. End with badass scene with knives. RESEARCH: knives.

Hey, I just made that up on the spot. Welcome to my brain.

But that’s the basic idea behind what my outlines look like. XD Except, I do usually write my outlines in ALL CAPS and important items are bolded or highlighted. But that’s a minor detail.

Rooster.

...

Thanks for reading if you made it this far.

NOW GO WRITE! (or tag yourself and do this. T’was fun.)

[-jayy73]

Inclusivity in the Classroom

Inclusivity in the Classroom

 Throughout my college experience in the University of Texas Rio Grande Valley, I’ve managed to work towards becoming an English teacher. Now that I’m close to reaching my degree with only a semester remaining, I wanted to start thinking of the kind of classroom I would like to create as well as what I expected my teaching philosophy to be like. It is to be expected that anyone studying to become a teacher would want to be a good teacher and form a nice environment for the students, but what defines a “good” teacher and a “nice” environment?  My ideal classroom would be inclusive for all students, regardless of any disabilities a student may have. In order to create the ideal environment, I’d take into consideration each student in order to allow all students to have equal opportunities. I decided to look into ways that inclusivity could be incorporated within a classroom especially for students with disabilities. I also asked a person who has disabilities questions based on inclusivity and reflecting his personal school experience in comparison with how I would want my future classroom to be like.  My focus was on how I could potentially create my own inclusive classroom regardless of any disabilities a student may have.

Inclusivity

In order to form an inclusive classroom it is important to understand the intended goal of inclusivity, The purpose of being inclusive is to allow all students to feel they are all equal and are being offered the help and resources available to allow everyone to be treated the same. When it comes to disabilities, there are important things to keep in mind. It is important to keep in mind the People First Language which discusses the appropriate way to talk about a person with disabilities. It is more appropriate to say the person with disabilities instead of the disabled person. The focus should be on the person not the disability a person may have.  Since I’m planning on teaching, I want to provide an inclusive setting to all my students. Apart from getting all students to coexist without issues due to any disabilities, I want to be able to provide a comfortable setting that allows all students to participate.

Tips on How to Create an Inclusive Classroom

 Marla Lohman created a blog titled “Preparing Young Children for the Inclusion of Children with Disabilities into the Classroom” and includes a list of helpful tips that I found useful and important to keep in mind when dealing with inclusivity. Some of the tips included in the article were:

·         Give all children tools for interactions and conversations. Provide them with toys or objects to initiate the discussion (an example might include a popular book).

·         Use a variety of methods for instruction—talk to your students, illustrate with pictures, model, and provide the opportunity for hands-on learning whenever possible.

·         . Provide a visual classroom schedule so that all children know the plan for the day.

·         Have high expectations for all children, regardless of their ability levels. (Lohmann)

I decided to talk about these tips during an interview with an old friend that I met in high school who had a hearing disability, being partially deaf, as well as a learning impediment. He relies more on reading or having loud conversations in order to process the communication well. He also gets distracted easily and has problems not only with concentration but retaining information if he isn’t interviewed. For privacy purposes I will be calling him by his initials, M.G. After discussing the tip, I will be including his responses it in order to see if he feels they could be helpful.

 Since I am planning on teaching older students, I’d want to include literature to include diversity. Prater is the author of the article “Using Juvenile Literature with Portrayals of Disabilities in Your Classroom” and discusses the use of including literature with people with disabilities.  He includes that, “Doing so provides an avenue for teaching about disabling conditions, as well as exposing students to characters with disabilities within the context of a well-written story.”(Prater) Article itself asks what books that include disabilities the reader knew. I was limited with my answer, only being able to answer The Fault in Our Stars or Little House on the Prairie. This article is important for me as a future professor because it includes titles of books, awards given and a small summary on how it has to do with disabilities. I want to be able to include ways I could incorporate books to disabilities can help other students gain an understanding as well as form connections not only between the student with disabilities and the characters within the book, but also with all students.

There should be an importance placed on including characters with disabilities to promote acceptance. A person without disabilities could benefit from this by relating to these characters even though they are different. They could share similarities and accept their peers with disabilities.  Literature that include characters with disabilities are useful because people may relate more if the characters are more rounded than flat. Allowing students to relate and understand people with disabilities. A student that has disabilities could see themselves in a more positive way through the representation. I asked M.G what he felt about including books in a classroom that could have characters with disabilities like he had and he responded with,” Really! There’s books that talk about people like me? I wanna see it!” The fact that he was genuinely interested gave me more of a reason to want to include diverse types of literature.

Prater is the author of the article. “Using Juvenile Literature with Portrayals of Disabilities in Your Classroom.” that talks about the use of including literature with people with disabilities. He includes that, “Doing so provides an avenue for teaching about disabling conditions, as well as exposing students to characters with disabilities within the context of a well-written story.”(Prater) Article itself asks what books that include disabilities the reader knew. I was limited with my answer, only being able to answer The Fault in Our Stars or Little House on the Prairie. This article is important for me as a future professor because it includes titles of books, awards given and a small summary on how it has to do with disabilities. I want to be able to include ways I could incorporate books to disabilities can help other students gain an understanding as well as form connections not only between the student with disabilities and the characters within the book, but also with all students.

There should be an importance placed on including characters with disabilities to promote acceptance. A person without disabilities could benefit from this by relating to these characters even though they are different. They could share similarities and accept their peers with disabilities.  Literature that include characters with disabilities are useful because people may relate more if the characters are more rounded than flat. Allowing students to relate and understand people with disabilities. A student that has disabilities could see themselves in a more positive way through the representation. I asked M.G if he remembers ever feeling left out or isolated and he let me know that,” I was always in a corner away from most people. I usually hung out with other students with disabilities since not everyone accepts us for our differences.” He did, however, feel that if he would’ve read something or if his class would’ve discussed disabilities, then maybe it could’ve helped him come out of his shell more.

Another tip was to, “Clearly spell out expectations before the course begins (e.g., grading, material to be covered, due dates).” (Picard) This is helpful since the students can do this by themselves, regardless of any disabilities. This tip in particular related a special tool that many students, like myself, could overlook. Professors I have taken in UTRGV already do this, regardless if the class has students with disabilities or not.  The use of visually planning a list of what will be going on in a day is useful for all students. It has been useful for me as a student, even if I hadn’t recognized or appreciated how useful it could be for all students, especially to someone who could potentially have a disability. It promotes positive class attitudes for everyone. When I asked M.G if he felt that having this tool could’ve potentially helped him back when he was in school, he responded with,” Maybe. I know sometimes I would be backed up compared to other kids. I am partially deaf so it is hard to hear. Being able to see could’ve helped.” Visuals can be helpful to include for people who may have a hearing disability, so I would want to keep that in mind which could relate to Lohman’s 3rd tip listed above.

The fourth tip from Lohmann’s article I felt deserved to be discussed, because it is important to, “Have high expectations for all children, regardless of their ability levels.” (Lohmann) A teacher should not only want to educate, but also motivate all students to better themselves. I’d want to promote reading, especially out of school and in order to do that, it is important to keep in mind that in order to want to read, the reader has to be interested in what they would be reading. Promoting literature that could relate to a student could make them interested in reading. I asked M.G what he thought about the reading’s he was assigned back in school and he honestly couldn’t remembered. He told me,” I dunno. I never really read much of anything. It was too boring and I didn’t like it.” I followed by asking him what kind of expectations his teachers had for him and he said,” They just wanted me to pass. When my teachers couldn’t teach me, they’d send me to Special Education so they could do it. I feel they had low expectations of me, but at least other teachers (Special Education) supported me and my friends (who also had disabilities of some type). She made sure our class was always working together and that we get each other.” Although he didn’t have the most supportive teachers or classes, he was offered resources that allowed him to better himself, which made it seem that his Special Education class was inclusive in all ways, which is what really mattered.

Talking to M.G. about tips to use in a classroom made me feel that I was heading in the right direction when it comes to forming my future class setting. I want my future students to feel they are being offered all the necessary resources to help them advance. It is important to form inclusive settings in classrooms regardless of any disability.

   Works Cited

Lohmann, Marla. “NAEYC.” The 10 NAEYC Program Standards | NAEYC, 25 July 2017, https://www.naeyc.org/resources/blog/preparing-young-children-inclusion

 Picard, Danielle. “Teaching Students with Disabilities.” Vanderbilt University, Vanderbilt University, 20 June 2018, cft.vanderbilt.edu/guides-sub-page

 Prater. “Using Juvenile Literature with Potrayals of Disabilities in Your Classroom.” Intervention in School & Clinic, vol. 35, no. 3, Jan. 2000, p. 167. EBSCOhost, search.ebscohost.com/login.aspx?direct=true&db=a9h&AN=2652318&site=ehost-live. es/disabilities/.n-inclusion.

[paylolorens-blog]

Living With HIV For People Over 50 Years

Living With HIV For People Over 50 Years. One January daylight in 1991, hurtle journalist Jane Fowler, then 55, opened a communication from a health insurance company informing her that her request for coverage had been denied due to a "significant blood abnormality". This was the senior inkling - later confirmed in her doctor's office - that the Kansas City, Kan, home-grown had contracted HIV from someone she had dated five years before, a servant she'd been friends with her entire adult life acg3 erectile. She had begun seeing him two years after the end of her 24-year marriage. Fowler, now 75 and vigorous thanks to the advent of antiretroviral medications, recalls being devastated by her diagnosis. "I went retreat that day and literally took to my bed. I thought, 'What's successful to happen?'" she said. For the next four years Fowler, once an active and well-to-do writer and editor, lived in what she called "semi-isolation," staying mostly in her apartment women pregnantkaisehoto. Then came the dawning achievement that her isolation wasn't helping anyone, least of all herself. Fowler slowly began reaching out to experts and other older Americans to be taught more about living with HIV in life's later decades. By 1995, she had helped co-found the National Association on HIV Over 50. And through her program, HIV Wisdom for Older Women, Fowler today speaks to audiences nationwide on the challenges of living with the virus. "I asseverative to signify out - to put an old, wrinkled, white, heterosexual clock to this disease nayanthara sexsiy blue full open flims. But my bulletin isn't age-specific: We all need to understand that we can be at risk". That import may be more urgent than ever this Wednesday, World AIDS Day. During a recent White House forum on HIV and aging, at which Fowler spoke, experts presented additional data suggesting that as the HIV/AIDS general enters its fourth decade those afflicted by it are aging, too. One report, conducted by the AIDS Community Research Initiative of America (ACRIA), acclaimed that 27 percent of Americans diagnosed with HIV are now grey 50 or older and by 2015 that percentage could double. Why? According to Dr Michael Horberg, venality chair of the HIV Medicine Association, there's been a societal "perfect storm" that's led to more HIV infections amid people in middle age or older. And "Certainly the make something of oneself of Viagra and similar drugs to treat erectile dysfunction, people are getting more sexually quick because they are more able to do so". There's also the perception that HIV is now treatable with complex drug regimens even though these medicines often come with onerous haughtiness effects. For her part, Fowler said that more and more aging Americans note themselves recently divorced (as she did) or widowed and back in the dating game. And all too often, doctors prove inadequate to appreciate that their patients over 50 might still have active sex lives, so the possibility of sexually transmitted diseases is often overlooked. "Often, they're tested for HIV too late. Many have already been diagnosed with full-blown AIDS. In fact, that's often how the diagnosis comes". At that point, it's much tougher for AIDS drugs to do their procedure of suppressing HIV. Aging with HIV presents other problems, as well. According to ACRIA's scrutiny of about 1000 HIV-positive men and women, 91 percent are battling other continuing medical conditions associated with age, including arthritis, neuropathies and loaded blood pressure. Many are coping with these conditions on their own: 70 percent of older Americans with HIV live out alone, the promulgate found, more than twice the rank of their non-infected contemporaries. Adding HIV and its often potent drug remedying to the usual troubles of aging can be tough. Speaking at the White House conference, Dr Amy Justice, diva investigator of the Veterans Aging Cohort Study, which involves more than 40000 veterans with HIV, said: "There are a lot of infected commonalty who are 60 or 65 or even 80 or 85. These commonality feel older than their stated age and may have some of the same problems people 10 or 15 years older would normally experience". According to Horberg, many of the diseases of aging "are made worse by HIV or its treatment". For sample the AIDS cure-all tenofovir can impair kidney function, other antiretrovirals cannot be entranced with cholesterol-lowering drugs such as Zocor or Mevacor, and it's suspected that HIV infection might even accelerate the sortie of Alzheimer's disease. Issues of HIV prevention and treatment can be especially tough on older women, said Diane Zablotsky, an colleague professor of sociology at the University of North Carolina who's worked on the issue. In terms of prevention, she well-known that it may be tougher for a woman past menopause to negotiate condom use with a partner, when pregnancy is no longer an issue. And in terms of diagnosis and treatment, "if you have a maid experiencing sunset sweats and other kinds of symptoms - is that menopausal change? A medication issue? Or is it an HIV-infection issue?" All of the experts stressed that the tone to curbing HIV infection in older Americans is the same as it is for the young: prevention. But that will specify having much franker discussions about sex. "There's this fib that older people aren't sexually active. Health-care providers could lend a hand by taking sexual histories, but they don't because they assume they don't have to. They can ask about smoking and spirits use, but sex? Oh no, the person is old" united kingdom. zablotsky agreed. "The portentous thing is to reach out to older people in a way which - if in fact they are engaging in behavior that puts them at gamble - they have a reason to say, 'I need to listen to this, I paucity to make this change, I need to protect myself'".

[fantroll-purgatory]

Ellara Aphros

@ghostlyshoes

Yeah, I know for now she looks a tad like a certain canon character we know. Though she’s a trollsona and somewhat based off me anyway. I’m open to changes in design you might want to put forward though! (Note: the one on the far left was created by a friend for me!)

Hmmm… I might want to play with this idea of her looking like Vriska a little bit, actually. It’s very uncommon for trolls to share signs, which means they’re very closely related if they DO share a common sign. So I think… Usually I don’t jump the gun on talking about themes and ideas like this all the way at the beginning, but I think I want her ancestor to be at least related to Mindfang. Maybe her ancestor was one of Mindfang’s Hypothetical on-planet descendants… 

I want to do this connection link if only because of her interest in the zodiac, interest in history, interest in destiny, stuff like that. 

Planet: Alternia

Name: Ellara Aphros ‘Ellara’ is close to ‘Helena/Helen’ which means ‘bright shining light’ or Torch. It may have connections to ‘Helios’ the Greek sun God in lexicographical meaning. ‘Aphros’ comes from ‘Aphrodite’ Venus’s Roman counterpart. It also links to both ‘Phosphorous’ (A Chemical element which is highly reactive and glows with a bright white light, ‘phosphorescent’ meaning to glow, particularly in the Dark which could also relate to her god-tier Sylph of Light which means ‘Creator of Light’. And the word ‘Amp’ a unit of electric current.

Eilidh might be a better option than Ellara, because it is the Gaelic version of the name Helen. 

Aphros might be good, though the amp thing doesn’t feel particularly related to her name or her theme… And she’s not particularly focused on beauty, so referencing Aphrodite might not be the best option? Maybe Vernal instead. Vernal references the Vernal Equinox, which is the solar position from which the Zodiac was determined. 

Eilidh Vernal. 

Trolltag: ghostlyCensurer, predeterminedSpectre [GC, PS]

‘ghostlyCensurer’ refers to her being the ‘watcher’ from far afield. Unspotted and unnoticed by most everyone. As well as her silent analysis on the suburb which she lives above of. ‘preterminedSpectre’ is pretty similar. ‘Predetermined’ In her need to know the future and 

extrasolarObserver instead, maybe? Extrasolar implies a far distance away but also references her light theme, and Observer links back to the watcher thing but just… sounds better with extrasolar than Censurer does. Oooooh or extrasolarAugur to reference her interest in things like tarot… 

Typing Quirk: Replaces ‘E’ with ‘3’ (Reference to her lusus, who is a Cerberus so three heads) Uses the ‘V●ᴥ●V’ Dog Puns wherever possible Punctuation in packs of three (!!!, ???, …) (Especially when excited about a certain topic)

I think the 3 could still work with the Papillon mom because 3 looks like a butterfly’s wing. 

Blood Colour: Cerulean

Symbol: True Scorpio (Originally ‘Venus’) (Venus can also mean ‘Morning Star’ (connected to the meaning of Lucifer, which again connects to the light theme (light bearer) and well as her Cerberus lusus))

Lusus: Corgiberus (The Pack-Mind) Slightly air-headed but rather friendly. Can be intimidating due to her massive size and loud barking noises. The closer trolls come to approaching the hive the louder it starts barking. It can reach levels that deafen the odd rust or brown blood.

Alternate (this one might keep with the Cerulean colour more) Butterbark A giant ‘Papillion’ or butterfly dog. It has it’s ears set as it’s wings and three giant compound eyes, two in the standard place at the side and one acting as a ‘third eye’ in the centre. It’s very friendly despite its oddly terrifying features. (Butterflies are thought to be spirits of the dead watching over you in many cultures and circles. This links back to her ‘ghostly’ and ‘spectre’ trolltags)

I like the Papillon idea a lot better! Butterbark… Barkflymom… I like the idea of this cute papillon dog with earwings that is also a little bit armored. Friendly, cute, a pal. Butterflies are also often references to the Impact of the past and also the potentiality of the future, so I think this adds some additional layers to her theme. 

Alignment: Chaotic Neutral

Strife Specibus: Stationarykind (Using several types of stationary, pens, pencils, rulers etc. Although she is generally less skilled at using each one of them, it’s also what she uses in order to note down a lot of her findings and obviously more practical than tossing a book.)

I actually like the idea of her using Tarotkind. She pulls a combination of cards and has to utilize the attack that is produced by that combination. Example: Say she pulls a two of swords, a two of wands, and the magician: she’d have access to a 2x1 sword, both sides of which can function as a magical focus. But if she pulled the hermit, the fool, and a three of cups, she might summon three old banged up juggling cups. 

Fetch Modus: Zodiackind Yep all 48 signs. She builds up association between objects and what she uses to read people/the future and they go into 1 of 48 different ‘sections’. Although, she has to work out which section the object has actually gone into herself.

You should have this visually look a bit like a constellation map and each of the items is a “star” in a constellation. She has to map out the entire constellation and then pick out the appropriate star corresponding to the item she wants to retrieve. 

Powers: None (As typical for most highbloods)

She gets Blueblood Psychic Resistance, at least. 

Title: Sylph of Light

(Explanation for this will be lower down and referenced in her personality/interests) 

I actually have to protest that she’s a Seer of Light. A passive observer, someone who utilizes mediums through which to obtain and analyze information. Someone who searches for information, cares deeply about collecting and understanding it… But it would also push her to learn how to engage with other people, because passive classes are all about the good of the group.

Land: Land of Blockades and Gleam (LOBAG)

Land of Meteor and Twinkle. I wanted to give her a LOMAT acronym to reference Vriska as well. It could be a landscape covered in observatories, with the meteors circling the planet also metaphorically referencing her distance from others. AND meteors give off light. Fun.

Denizen: Paris (Paris kidnapped Helen of Troy, which is where the route of her name comes from, it makes sense that they would be a challenge for her.)

Here might be where you use the name Aphrodite instead. An image-focused deity who is somewhat motherly… It was Aphrodite’s fault that Paris kidnapped Helen of Troy, so it feels more appropriate to use a deity.

Dream Moon: Prospit

Hive Location: A hill overlooking a suburb, her hive being mostly apart from any others. It has a large window which has a view of the town in almost it’s entirety. She’s looking upon the lives of others without interacting with them. It’s fit with a telescope which can be used to look at the stars and planets above. Or sometimes ca be used to look across various sections of the planet (but not too far.) She finds herself analyzing (or over analyzing) these things.

Hive: Generally, a large mess; mostly consisting of various half written essays and complaints, half read books and other materials strewn across floors and desks. Many plush animals also lay around the hive, a lot of them rather pristine (she uses them as kind of a comfort, rather than to demonstrate anything). Doesn’t stop her from losing her a lot of her supplies, she’s really good at loosing things.

Personality/Backstory/Interests: Ellara has spent most of her time observing people and observing the lives of others through her own eyes rather than interfering with them or making them better in any way. She’s a hermit with an interest in people but with no actual friends. She generally considers herself a critic and sometimes finds herself critiquing several types of literature across troll history. She’s fond of finding metaphors within them, even if they make little sense or are just kind of esoteric. She has a hard time completing everything she intends to or sets out to do, however, either due to her fear of failure, lack of commitment or general sense of laziness.

Although her main issue perhaps that she is too pushy and critical and this leads her to come off as unwelcoming, defensive and antagonistic. Since she’s not all that good at getting on with people, mostly due to her isolation and common state of introspection (even if it leads to her frequently doubting herself). She finds it hard to tell when her criticism is welcome or needed and gets herself worked up when she dosen’t really need to. She’s really quick to think of the worst possible outcome to a situation and isn’t afraid to remind people of it. She states she would rather be ‘right or pleasantly surprised’ which gives her an air of arrogance. She’ll rather plan out her steps into the unknown and gather the knowledge she needs before attempting anything, she’s very wrapped up in analysing the possibilities of the future and the past. Whether this be through scientifically trying to analyse trends or through using tarot cards and analysing star placements. Although she has been known to make the occasional impulsive decision, normally leading to bad consequences.

I do like the idea of this character being an outside watcher. I want to push that a little bit by having her fascinated with people. Enjoying researching their histories and who might be related to them and all that. Gathering useful data that she can then interpret through the lens of her zodiac signs or tarot cards. Create a kind of fascination with ancestors in general. Knowing their histories and how people are likely to mirror those lives…  

And I think you should have her be just a little interested in pirates. Maybe not interested in sailing or combating herself, but maybe have her be interested in the history of them, the strategies they employed, and the superstitions they believed in. 

In fact, having her be superstitious in general may be a good idea? 

If you want her to be a prospit player, you can’t have her decisions be Too analytical or rational. I think you should make her have just a sort of bet-on-it feeling with regards to fate and destiny and the future-seeing objects and predictors she uses. She can be ultimately worried about the decisions she’s making, but have her fall back on these interests and habits instead of Thorough Thought. 

And now for design!:

Oof my tablet started throwing a fit halfway through this so it’s not my best work, but here we go! 

Horns: We never see horns that are different heights and it was a little too obvious that her horn was just Vriska’s horn with a bit erased. So I gave her some horns that look like butterfly wings and antennae. 

Hair: Just a few more fun flips for effect. 

Glasses/eyes: I edited them so that there was a jeweler’s magnifying glass over her one eye, along with a light attachment. I thought it was a good way to reference her wanting to analyze things closer. I also edited her makeup to be a bit less thick, got rid of the eyebrows, and edited her left pupil to be shaped a bit like a butterfly. I wanted to create 3 pupils to keep with the three concept. 

Mouth: I thicked the lips a little and added some fangs. 

Scarf: I wanted to create some visual difference between her jacket and Vriska, so the best way to do that for me was… make a scarf. Like the kind fortune tellers wear in movies, with the tassels. 

Pants/Shoes: I redid them entirely, mostly because everything looked a bit clunky and proportionally off? I wanted to keep the kind of platform shoes, though, so I did that. I also added some butterfly wings to her shoes in white. 

Thanks for sharing her!

-CD

[freesearchengines-blog]

Living With HIV For People Over 50 Years

Living With HIV For People Over 50 Years. One January epoch in 1991, calling journalist Jane Fowler, then 55, opened a spell from a health insurance company informing her that her request for coverage had been denied due to a "significant blood abnormality". This was the commencement inkling - later confirmed in her doctor's office - that the Kansas City, Kan, natural had contracted HIV from someone she had dated five years before, a houseman she'd been friends with her entire adult life whosphil com. She had begun seeing him two years after the end of her 24-year marriage. Fowler, now 75 and nutritious thanks to the advent of antiretroviral medications, recalls being devastated by her diagnosis. "I went haunt that day and literally took to my bed. I thought, 'What's common to happen?'" she said. For the next four years Fowler, once an active and booming writer and editor, lived in what she called "semi-isolation," staying mostly in her apartment umoyo penis enlargement pill. Then came the dawning accomplishment that her isolation wasn't helping anyone, least of all herself. Fowler slowly began reaching out to experts and other older Americans to twig more about living with HIV in life's later decades. By 1995, she had helped co-found the National Association on HIV Over 50. And through her program, HIV Wisdom for Older Women, Fowler today speaks to audiences nationwide on the challenges of living with the virus. "I obvious to use out - to put an old, wrinkled, white, heterosexual honour to this disease equipments used for liver function test, lft. But my meaning isn't age-specific: We all need to understand that we can be at risk". That import may be more urgent than ever this Wednesday, World AIDS Day. During a recent White House forum on HIV and aging, at which Fowler spoke, experts presented fresh data suggesting that as the HIV/AIDS scourge enters its fourth decade those afflicted by it are aging, too. One report, conducted by the AIDS Community Research Initiative of America (ACRIA), esteemed that 27 percent of Americans diagnosed with HIV are now elderly 50 or older and by 2015 that percentage could double. Why? According to Dr Michael Horberg, shortcoming chair of the HIV Medicine Association, there's been a societal "perfect storm" that's led to more HIV infections amidst people in middle age or older. And "Certainly the make good of Viagra and similar drugs to treat erectile dysfunction, people are getting more sexually hyperactive because they are more able to do so". There's also the perception that HIV is now treatable with complex drug regimens even though these medicines often come with onerous affectation effects. For her part, Fowler said that more and more aging Americans chance themselves recently divorced (as she did) or widowed and back in the dating game. And all too often, doctors decline to appreciate that their patients over 50 might still have active sex lives, so the possibility of sexually transmitted diseases is often overlooked. "Often, they're tested for HIV too late. Many have already been diagnosed with full-blown AIDS. In fact, that's often how the diagnosis comes". At that point, it's much tougher for AIDS drugs to do their work of suppressing HIV. Aging with HIV presents other problems, as well. According to ACRIA's get a bird's eye view of of about 1000 HIV-positive men and women, 91 percent are battling other lingering medical conditions associated with age, including arthritis, neuropathies and anticyclone blood pressure. Many are coping with these conditions on their own: 70 percent of older Americans with HIV abide alone, the article found, more than twice the price of their non-infected contemporaries. Adding HIV and its often potent drug therapy to the usual troubles of aging can be tough. Speaking at the White House conference, Dr Amy Justice, main investigator of the Veterans Aging Cohort Study, which involves more than 40000 veterans with HIV, said: "There are a lot of infected individuals who are 60 or 65 or even 80 or 85. These woman in the street feel older than their stated age and may have some of the same problems people 10 or 15 years older would normally experience". According to Horberg, many of the diseases of aging "are made worse by HIV or its treatment". For specimen the AIDS painkiller tenofovir can impair kidney function, other antiretrovirals cannot be charmed with cholesterol-lowering drugs such as Zocor or Mevacor, and it's suspected that HIV infection might even accelerate the strike of Alzheimer's disease. Issues of HIV prevention and treatment can be especially tough on older women, said Diane Zablotsky, an ally professor of sociology at the University of North Carolina who's worked on the issue. In terms of prevention, she notable that it may be tougher for a woman past menopause to negotiate condom use with a partner, when pregnancy is no longer an issue. And in terms of diagnosis and treatment, "if you have a lassie experiencing tenebrosity sweats and other kinds of symptoms - is that menopausal change? A medication issue? Or is it an HIV-infection issue?" All of the experts stressed that the pitch to curbing HIV infection in older Americans is the same as it is for the young: prevention. But that will uncharitable having much franker discussions about sex. "There's this fib that older people aren't sexually active. Health-care providers could staff by taking sexual histories, but they don't because they assume they don't have to. They can ask about smoking and the cup that cheers use, but sex? Oh no, the person is old" provillusshop.com. zablotsky agreed. "The impressive thing is to reach out to older people in a way which - if in fact they are engaging in behavior that puts them at endanger - they have a reason to say, 'I need to listen to this, I needfulness to make this change, I need to protect myself'".

[hereticaloracles]

Asteroid Files: Ophelia

Helios on Ophelia– Tragedy! Ennui! Drama! This week’s Asteroid has it all!

The Astronomy– 171 Ophelia is a large, dark Themistian asteroid that was discovered by French astronomer Alphonse Borrelly on January 13, 1877. This asteroid is a member of the Themis family of asteroids that share similar orbital elements. It probably has a primitive composition, similar to that of the carbonaceous chondrite meteorites.

A 1979 study of the Algol-like light curve produced by this asteroid concluded that it was possible to model the brightness variation by assuming a binary system with a circular orbit, a period of 13.146 hours, and an inclination of 15° to the line of sight from the Earth. Photometric observations of this asteroid at the Leura Observatory in Leura, Australia during 2006 gave a rotation period of 6.6666 ± 0.0002 hours and a brightness variation of 0.50 ± 0.02 in magnitude. This is in agreement with previous studies. Ophelia is also the name of a moon of Uranus.

The Story– Ophelia is a character in William Shakespeare’s play Hamlet. She is a young noblewoman of Denmark, the daughter of Polonius, sister of Laertes, and potential wife of Prince Hamlet. She is one of only two female characters in the play. Of all the pivotal characters in Hamlet, Ophelia is the most static and one-dimensional. She has the potential to become a tragic heroine (to overcome the adversities inflicted upon her) but she instead crumbles into insanity, becoming merely tragic. It appears that Ophelia herself is not as important as her representation of the dual nature of women in the play. The extent to which Hamlet feels betrayed by Gertrude is far more apparent because of Ophelia’s presence. Hamlet’s feelings of rage against his mother can be directed toward Ophelia, who is, in his estimation, hiding her base nature behind a guise of impeccability.

Through Ophelia we witness Hamlet’s evolution, or de-evolution into a man convinced that all women are whores; that the women who seem most pure are inside black with corruption and sexual desire- And if women are harlots, then they must have their procurers. Gertrude has been made a whore by Claudius, and Ophelia has been made a whore by her father. In Act II, Polonius makes arrangements to use the alluring Ophelia to discover why Hamlet is behaving so curiously. Hamlet is not in the room but it seems obvious from the following lines that he has overheard Polonius trying to use his daughter’s charms to suit his underhanded purposes. In Hamlet’s distraught mind, there is no gray area: Polonius prostitutes his daughter. And Hamlet tells Polonius so to his face, labeling him a “fishmonger” (despite the fact that Polonius cannot decipher the meaning behind Hamlet’s words).

To the rest of us, Ophelia represents something very different. To outside observers, Ophelia is the epitome of goodness. Like Gertrude, young Ophelia is childlike and naive. But unlike Queen Gertrude, Ophelia has good reason to be unaware of the harsh realities of life. She is very young and has lost her mother, possibly at birth. Her father, Polonius, and brother, Laertes, love Ophelia tremendously and have taken great pains to shelter her. She is not involved with matters of state; she spends her days engaged in needlepoint and flower gathering. She returns the love shown to her by Polonius and Laertes tenfold, and couples it with complete and unwavering loyalty. Even though her love for Hamlet is strong, she obeys her father when he tells her not to see Hamlet again or accept any letters that Hamlet writes. Her heart is pure, and when she does do something dishonest, such as tell Hamlet that her father has gone home when he is really behind the curtain, it is out of genuine fear. Ophelia clings to the memory of Hamlet treating her with respect and tenderness, and she defends him and loves him to the very end despite his brutality. She is incapable of defending herself, but through her timid responses we see clearly her intense suffering:

Hamlet: …I did love you once. Ophelia: Indeed, my, lord, you made me believe so. Hamlet: You should not have believed me…I loved you not. Ophelia: I was the more deceived.

Her frailty and innocence work against her as she cannot cope with the unfolding of one traumatic event after another. Ophelia’s darling Hamlet causes all her emotional pain throughout the play, and when his hate is responsible for her father’s death, she has endured all that she is capable of enduring and goes insane. But even in her insanity, she symbolizes, to everyone but Hamlet, incorruption, and virtue. “In her wanderings, we hear from time to time an undertone of the deepest sorrow, but never the agonized cry of fear or horror which makes madness dreadful or shocking. And the picture of her death, if our eyes grow dim in watching it, is still purely beautiful”. (Bradley, Shakespearean Tragedy 132-3). The bawdy songs that she sings in front of Laertes, Gertrude, and Claudius are somber reminders that the corrupt world has taken its toll on the pure Ophelia. They show us that only in her insanity does she live up to Hamlet’s false perception of her as a lascivious woman.

Why She Matters– Okay, so Ophelia is complex in her simplicity. First off, she lacks a strong female figure to look out for her and keep her safe, so she is left to the devices of her father and brother. They are men of their time, and while I think that they did truly love Ophelia, they see her as a means to an end (to manipulate Hamlet) and as less than them as she is only a woman. Keep in mind, this is of a different age than us entirely, so don’t @ me in the comments saying that I’m a misogynist cuck and hate women or something- I’m only saying that you view this in that perspective.

Ophelia is naive, and she gets used by everyone she loves because of it. She lives and extremely isolated and lonely life, and falls in love with essentially the first man that she meets outside of her family. She is not wise to the way the world works, and that other people don’t always act from a place of altruism. She then reads too much into the erratic behavior of an emotionally unavailable man who is sliding headfirst into insanity due to circumstances outside of his control. She goes all in on him and tries to save him from himself, but it is just too much for her to handle. She loses herself and is not experienced or mature enough to save herself and come back from that cliff edge. Her final fate is tragic, but at the end of the day we need to view her as a cautionary tale and not a love story.

Ophelia in the chart represents a point of extreme drama, where you tend to see what you want in a relationship partner; overlooking their flaws (and possibly their direct rejection of you) while seeing only the positive and the potential for a true partnership with the person. It can also be an attraction to the damaged type of person, thinking that you can save them with your love. This undoubtedly ends poorly for all involved, as those people usually are not ready or in a position to be saved. Ophelia can also manifest as an area of your life (defined by house placement) that is dominated by patriarchal concerns and leaving you with limited or no options or choice. Ophelia is far more active in transit than in the natal, as you get swept up in chaotic attractions that shake up your life rather than in the natal where it is a sensitivity or predilection.

The type of person that this asteroid tends to attract is the narcissistic, manipulative sociopath, regardless of gender. You will try to help them and try to love them, but it is a toxic love for the Ophelia native. No matter the intentions of those involved, it always degrades. What happens is the Ophelia native feels manipulated and used, and tries to find a way to plot and work around their manipulation, ending up doing just as much manipulation as the narcissist- but maintaining the victim role. The issue is that neither person sees how their actions are hurting the other, and the blindness (willful or otherwise) can just be so damaging. The worst part is, it can be so easy to just stay in this pattern, and not move on from it- living with it instead of breaking out. You steep in that negativity, and it taints your soul. You end up becoming numb to yourself, your emotions, and the world at large.

To find out where she shows up in your chart, go to astro.com, put in your birth details and click on “extended options” on the next page. All the way at the bottom, there will be a menu of additional objects. Under that is a blank space where you can enter the number 171 for Ophelia. Once you have it entered, generate the chart! Where does Ophelia affect your life? Let us know in the comments below!

Analysis of Ophelia courtesy of Mabillard, Amanda. Ophelia. Shakespeare Online. 20 Aug. 2000. <http://www.shakespeare-online.com/plays/hamlet/opheliacharacter.html>.

Asteroid Files: Ophelia was originally published on Heretical Oracles

[breaking-borderline]

Sorry but, your catcalling is not a compliment.

I need to stand on my soap box about something that happened today.

It takes a lot of effort for me to go out into town, a lot of time before and after is spent resting in preparation and much anxiety is involved by going out alone in public places now. Today, that was made much worse as I am given an often overlooked but upsetting reason as for why going out alone as a female prompts more concern; catcalling. Within the 1.5 hours I was walking through town, two men beeped their horn to catch my attention which was then following with whistling through the window as I didn’t respond and the second involved being followed between two shops by an old man who was trying to ‘chat me up’; regardless of my polite smile and clear body language that I was not interested. As someone who has suffered at the hands of abuse, bullying and both physical and verbal torment from males; it was terrifying.

I can guess what you’re thinking... “they only meant it as a compliment”, “you should be happy someone found you attractive”, “why would you be scared? no one would do anything in public!”. Wrong. When you are catcalled or receive any unwanted comments about your appearance, it is an unpleasant reminder that your body is viewed as public property. Actions like these take our bodies, our lives, and reinforce Women that we exist only to be visually appealing and it teaches us from a young age that our self esteem can only come by those that find us attractive. It isn’t just situations like this which reinforce this idea, comments regarding ones weight changes (often loss) or surgical alterations to our bodies also do this. How many times do we hear that we will feel better about ourselves once we change our appearance to fit societies social standard? Unfortunately, this is false. As long as approval from others reinforces self esteem, we end up on an endless cycle of trying to achieve perfection which is reinforced by others opinions.

Catcalling does just this. As a teenager, I would’ve on occasion taken this as a compliment. Now looking back, I can see how utterly wrong I was to take my worth as a person based on an inappropriate, backhanded comment from another person. This kind of behavior told me, and does with many other women, that in order to gain self esteem we must receive sexual approval from another person. I wish I knew then what I know now, because it has had a detrimental effect on my confidence as a person. The truth of the matter is, being catcalled is scary; but what’s even scarier is that men are raised to believe that women need their approval of appearance in order to be deemed as desirable. It’s this exact behavior which perpetuates the belief that our self esteem is based solely on how we look and that is damaging.

This morning, I was scared. This wasn’t the only time. If you were to ask me, and many other women, how many times similar events have happened to them within the past 12 months, I bet they couldn’t tell you; either because it has happened too many times to count, because it has become such normal behavior that it becomes easily forgotten, or they are not what society deems as the ideal. All of these reasons are problematic. Since I was a teenager, many events have triggered an increase in fear of my body being made a mockery of OR having derogatory sexual comments and actions being taken towards me. There have been times where catcallers have called me a “bitch”, “whore”, “ungrateful slut”, “fat”, because I wasn’t grateful for their words. It’s terrifying how quickly someone can go from passing sexual comments on to you- to insulting you if you do not chase after them and give thanks for their words. I’ve had horns beeped, body builders shouting from the scaffolding, car windows rolled down to whistle and shout elude comments as they pass by in their vehicle, not to mention those who took it upon themselves to reinforce it physically; I’ve had my ass grabbed walking down the street, one male with his group of friends grabbed me and shoved his tongue down my throat abruptly as I was leaving a cafe, the list goes on. These are not isolated incidents. Upon reading “The Everyday Sexism Project”, I became aware of how much of an issue this was and both appalled and saddened that many, many women have similar experiences on an almost daily basis.

I ask you this; how many times have you walked home alone at night, looking over your shoulder? How many evenings have you spent gripping your car keys between your fingertips in fear? The last time you were insulted for not accepting a drink at the bar, or called a tease for being disinterested? How often do you worry about being given sexually inappropriate comments for wearing a dress or a swimsuit at the beach? I cannot count the days in which I had to walk home the longer way around, avoiding the main road, because every trip either to or from town resorted in inappropriate sexual comments from car windows. It’s for these reasons and many more which women feel afraid in public spaces.

I have grown tired of having this debate with others which often results in comments such as “ignoring my comment hurts my feelings”, “we’re just trying to tell you you’re fit and you’re being ungrateful”, “but men feel afraid going out sometimes too.” Okay, maybe there are situations in which cis men feel uncomfortable going to certain places. But I can bet your bottom dollar that you don’t feel afraid by merely stepping outside your own front door. If you feel the need to catcall someone, ask the real reason why you’re doing so and what the repercussions of your actions will be. Do these people honestly expect us to run down the street after them, thanking them for their approval and begging them to take us back to their bedroom?

Another thing which bothered me about this incident today; what about my appearance makes you suddenly presume that I would be heterosexual, and what makes the notion that I might not be even more appealing? There have been several occasions where myself and other non-heterosexual women have been deemed “a challenge” due to our sexual orientation. The very notion that I would be in a relationship with a member of the same sex but could be ‘turned’ or ‘persuaded’ by a male isn’t a new concept. Many members of the LGBTQI* community have experienced very similar experiences, which makes it even more abhorrent. There have been times, more frequently than should, over the years since coming out that I have expressed interest in another woman or been in a relationship; a man has hit on me and upon telling them that I am with someone of the same sex, their response has been derogatory and is usually met with “haha, can I watch/join in?”, “It’s okay, I’ll get you back in to men”, “You haven’t been with me yet”, “ahhh, can’t get dick anymore?” and the old classic of being called a “tease” or better yet, a “liar.” These are all experiences from myself and many others; I’m quite frankly fed up of being spoken to this way. No, I am not heterosexual and no, I am not interested.

I’m tired of being afraid to go out alone, day or not. I’m sick of being worried about whether my dress is ‘too short’ or my top is ‘too revealing’ enough to receive sexual comments from others in the midst of summer. I’m fed up of making myself smaller for the sake of others. I’m tired of worrying whether my clothes make my body look undesirable due to my shape. I’m sick of being afraid of being in public space. I’m fed up of men thinking it’s appropriate to make my body their property. I’m reclaiming my identity, but that doesn’t mean that I won’t continue to live in fear.