#I told myself I’d sleep earlier than usual and then

[stomachayx]

Boombox but in Magma?!?!

[tootiecakes234]

Katsuki Preparing for the Proposal:

*if you want to read the Part 1 you can click here

“Can you for once just do what I ask you without questioning everything Pinky? I’m offering a spa day full paid and you’re acting like I’m holding you at gunpoint!” I said exasperated.

Ive been on the phone for 10 minutes for what should have been a 2 minute phone called. I’d called and told Mina that i would pay for y/n and her to have a spa day. Massages, nails, hair, the works. What i didn’t expect is for the this woman to put up a fight about it.

“ I’m just trying to make sure a villain hasn’t taken over your body and is impersonating you! But fine, twist my arm. I’ll take your card AND your girlfriend and go do some damage on your dime. I’m tired of going back and forth. What time should I be there to get her?” She asked cheerily now that she’d accepted to “gift” being offered to her.

“Around 11 in the morning. You guys can go get lunch or something. And again I say, big mouth, do not tell her that I’m apart of this. Do you understand?” I said in the most threatening tone possible.

“Sir yes sir.” She mocked at me. “I’ll text her to set up it up now. Oh and I hope whatever you’re planning goes accordingly to plan, Mr. Inconspicuous.”

The gurgle that came out of that my mouth had Mina laughing on the other end of the phone.

“Shut up idiot. I’m not planning anything. Bye!” And i quickly hung up the call.

Dammit. She’d better not know anything. Eijirou better not have run his mouth and Pinky sure as hell better not run her mouth. Putting faith in any of my shitty friends to keep a secret was like trying to sweep sand at the beach… hopeless.

I had no other way to guarantee that y/n would stay away from the house long enough for me to get everything set up.

I’d gone into my office and locked the door to call Mina just to make sure she didn’t overhear anything.

When I finally made it back to the bedroom, she was in bed on her phone and didn’t LOOK like she suspected anything so that’s as good as I could hope for right now.

“Mina just randomly texted me and said she wants to go to the spa tomorrow. Isn’t that weird? It’s 8 o’clock at night and I just saw her earlier and she didn’t mention anything about it.”

“Mina’s weird all the fucking time anyway so no more than usual I guess. You should go though…. I mean you’ve been saying that works been stressing you or whatever.” I know I’m a shit liar, but this insane technically lying, so I’m hoping she buys it.

Ever since I’d decided to propose to her, everything I say sounds like something rehearsed or scripted and it’s putting me on edge. I’m either gonna give this woman this ring or have a goddamn heart attack trying.

“Hmmmm, you’re right. She said she’s going to cover it so why not.” She texts back and then sets down her phone on the nightstand score she turns to me. “I have the best friends in the world, don’t I?”

“Yea… just fucking terrific” I said frowning

“Katsuki, baby, don’t be jealous. I’ll tell Eiji to get you guys a spa day for your birthday. It’ll be a cute little outing.” she says all cheeky.

“No way in hell. I’ve gotten massages with E before and that bastard groans and moans while he’s getting his. I’ll be damned if I suffer through that again.” That makes her giggle but I’m being completely serious.

She does that a lot, finds humor in my honesty. One of the reasons I can’t wait to marry her. She’s one the few that I can be myself with and never feel like I’m saying the wrong thing or being the wrong me…. Fuck.

“Hey, where are you right now? You’re looking at me but you are not in the same space?” And I feel her warm hand press up against my cheek.

“Nowhere, just thinking. I’m tired, long day. You ready to go to sleep?”

“Mhmm.” She leans and presses 3 quick kisses to my lips before she turns to turn off the lamp next to the bed.

The time she snuggles down into the sheets my arm is wrapping around her and pulling her back flush against my front.

“Goodnight princess”

“Night Kat-daddy”

The last thought before I drift to sleep is that hopefully by tomorrow night I’ll be sleeping next to my fiance instead of my girlfriend.

*ok, so I don’t like writing super long fics soooo this is going to end up being part 2 of 3 or 4. I haven’t decided. But I feel like all this filler is super cute and important because Katsuki is actually such a simp and such a nerd underneath all that attitude and I wanted to showcase that soooo please don’t be mad that this isn’t the actual proposal🥺

Katsuki Masterlist

Tooties Tags: Tags: @dreamcastgirl99 @xxvendettaxx @jays-adventure3 @theloveofnagiseishiroslife @mintsbubbletea @darkstarlight82 @anon-mouse223 @b134ch-m4h-ey3z @i-literally-cant-with-this @flowerbedbaby @kit-katsukii @tippy-toes @superlegend216 @liliththeunqualifiedsimp @burgvndy @yoyolovesdaiki @zaiban2989 @citrustsuki-2 @queenpiranhadon @mikestuffffs @gold24fish @getou0309 @djlance-rock



[cozymochi]

“Gosh, I wonder what kind of day my birthday will be… Please, please have things go my way for once...!”

happy [redacted] birthday Cecil Mugwort here’s a makeshift “cozy loungewear” iteration. but with 60% less quality control because i had second thoughts on nearly every aspect halfway through, but i was too far in and already made a commitment publicly 🫠

pretend voiceless lines were collaborated on with @/oddberryshortcake under cut. If that’s anyones speed.

Summon: “Being able to tend to my plants at the end of a long day is my favorite part of my dorm room, I can’t think of a better way to spend the night before my birthday.”

Groovification: “There goes those clocks again…It’s practically telling me to get up and start another day.”

Home: “Late nights are so peaceful.”

Swap Looks: “Ugh, I need to get my unruly hair out of my face!”

Home Transition 1: “Having Silver as a roommate isn’t so bad… If you forget the whole ‘sleeping through five alarm clocks’ thing he does.”

Home Transition 2: “It’s a little embarrassing, but I love how soft and fuzzy these pajamas are. They keep me warm all night.”

Home Transition 3: “THE Vil Schoenheit gave me eye cream for my dark circles. Does he think they look really bad? I was so nervous I dropped the bottle right after getting it…”

Home Transition - Login: “My birthdays are usually spent celebrating my twin sister’s birthday too. But here at NRC, I can celebrate my birthday just by myself. It’s nice not having to share for today.”

Home Transition - Groovy: “Nyoka Wadjet gave me some fancy looking cup as a gift. I told him it’d make a nice new home for my Ice Lilies , but he almost seemed upset I’d be using it that way. Did he just want me to let it collect dust?”

Home Tap 1: “I mustn’t let Ollie trick me into feeding him his dinner twice. Tricky ol’ bird.”

Home Tap 2: “I made sure to send my twin sister a card for our birthday. I actually got one from her today too! For once, she didn’t brag about herself in it… She even pressed a small flower into the envelope.”

Home Tap 3: “Housewarden Malleus Draconia approached me earlier. He just wanted to tell me happy birthday but I was so scared I nearly collapsed where I stood… Ahem! Of course, I still said thank you!”

Home Tap 4: “Just one more page of this ancient magical relics book and then I’ll turn in for the night. Oh, but next chapter is on amulets. Maybe a few more pages then…”

Home Tap 5: “Do I dye my bangs? No, its just a condition I was born with. It spreads a little further every year. At this rate, I’m gonna go gray before I graduate…”

Home Tap - Groovy: “I try not to stay up too late, but I can’t help it! Everything is silent, it’s just me, my bird, my books and my plants. It’s such bliss at night.”

Duo:

[CECIL]: “T-Thanks for celebrating, Nyoka!”

[NYOKA]: “It's no trouble, Cecil.”

Birthday Login Message: “Oh, you’re wishing me a happy birthday? I didn’t think you’d remember. You know, the science club pitched in and got me a new plant today. It was a pleasant surprise to know my seniors had been paying such close attention to my interests. …Hm? Is this your present? You made a card all by yourself? …This is much more thoughtful than the ill-fitting sweaters and mugs I normally get, thank you.”

[jhdyuiee]

Be There for Me

✮ pairing: bf!jaehyun x gf!reader

✮ wc: 1.4k (exactly)

✮ warnings/tags: fluff, slight cursing, suggestive (happens only once), kissing/making out (towards the end)

✮ a.n: Merry Christmas! I planned on releasing the fic i’ve been working on today, but it’s still in progress ㅠㅠ, im planning on releasing it soon though! bear with me, this is my first time writing so much. i hope this fic makes up for my delay… i wrote this small Christmas Jaehyun special, while hearing the new NCT 127 Winter Special && omg is it so good! “White Lie” got me crying ngl… Anyways Merry Christmas to you all && I hope you enjoy my first fic. Stay tuned for more! jiji out 🤍

Christmas Eve.

The snow fell, just in time for Christmas. As I continued watching the falling snow my phone rang. ‘Who could it be?‘

Jaehyun.

Read the caller ID. He’s my boyfriend.

“Hey babe,” I answered.

“Hey my love, quick question,” he asked.

“Ask away.”

“Can I take you out on a date tomorrow?”

I was speechless to say the least, usually he’d come over or i’d go over to him during Christmas, nothing too special was done.

“Ye-Yeah, sure.”

“Great! I’ll come pick you up at 7 p.m tomorrow,” he said excitedly.

“Mm, sounds good. I’ll see you tomorrow then love,” I said bidding him a goodbye.

“I love you Y/N,” he said lovingly, his voice so sweet, so angelic.

“I love you too Jae.”

I felt like a teenager in love all over again. Embarrassing to admit, but I was overly excited, overflowing with happiness about the fact that Jaehyun had just asked me out on a date- a Christmas date! That’s like every girl’s dream!?

‘What was I gonna wear?’ ‘Should I go to sleep now?’ ‘What aboht my hair?’ ‘Should I shower today or wait til tomorrow?’ Endless questions flowed through my head. Ultimately deciding on sleeping earlier. ‘I must be well rested!’ I told myself.

So just like that, I peacefully drifted off to sleep, fully anticipating whatever was to come tomorrow.

Christmas Day.

Just as I slept early, I awoke early as well. It was now 8 a.m, a little earlier than usual. I got up, looking out the window, the snow beginning to melt. I made my way back to my bed and made it, eating breakfast afterwards, and cleaned- I basically did my regular chores around the house before getting ready. After all, today was my date.

Once I got the chores out of the way I hopped in the shower, the first thing on my list of preparations for the date.

Luckily, I had found the perfect outfit for this occasion. It was a red-wine colored bodycon dress that hugged my curves so beautifully. All that was left now was my hair and makeup.

With an hour left to spare, I slightly curled my hair and went for a natural makeup look. As I looked for a purse, my phone rang. Of course, it was none other than Jaehyun.

I answered, “Are you here already?”

“Not yet, almost. I still have 5 minutes till I arrive,” he said.

“Wow, punctual as always.”

“Are you almost ready though?” he asked.

“Yeah, I just need to put on my shoes.”

“Good, then i’ll be waiting downstairs for you, beautiful.”

I took one last look before leaving, locking the door. I made my way downstairs, easily spotting Jaehyun’s car. It was as if he knew I was already there, exiting his car and walking towards me. He looked speechless, like an angel had just appeared in front of him.

“Fuck, you look so hot Y/N. What if we just go back to your apartment and fuck?”

I hit his chest. “Jaehyun!”

“Kidding, I can tell you spent your time getting ready,” he said, giving my forehead a peck. “Shall we?” he said, guiding me to the passenger seat of his car, opening the door.

He started the car and we were off. I still didn’t know where he was taking me, he never told me. But part of me feels like it was to some fancy restaurant.

My suspicions were later proven correct. We had arrived at some fancy restaurant, it was better than the ones from before. In fact, this one has been quite popular on social media as of late. Upon entering, I noticed it was packed.

‘How were we gonna get in?’ I thought. It’s like Jaehyun read my mind because he said, “I booked us a reservation, don’t worry.”

We walked to the front, “Reservation for two,” Jaehyun said.

“For?” asked the waiter.

“Jeong Jaehyun.”

The waiter took a while before saying, “Right this way.” He guided us to our seats.

The Rooftop.

Wow.

The view from here was absolutely breathtaking. Even more so now that the sun was setting.

“Beautiful, right?”

“Yeah, how were you even able to get us this Jae?”

“A magician never reveals his secrets.”

“Oh god, you’re so corny,” I said laughing.

We ordered our food, I settled on some pasta and Jaehyun on steak with two sides of his choice.

The food was absolutely delicious, they weren’t kidding. This might’ve been the best pasta i’ve ever tasted.

“This pasta is so good, want some? I offered some to Jaehyun. He gladly ate it, reminding me as if he were some little kid.

Once we finished eating, he’d secretly ordered us a dessert. A good-ol banana split. We shared it and it reminded me of back when we first started dating.

“Brings back memories doesn’t it?” he said, he must’ve also felt nostalgic.

I nodded, feeling the same way. “I’m gonna go to the bathroom, I’ll be back,” I said excusing myself.

When I came back no one was there. The tables were all cleared, even Jaehyun was nowhere to be found.

‘That’s weird,’ I thought. I swear I wasn’t gone for long, thr bathroom line was what kept me. As I stayed in my thoughts I heard something coming from behind me. I turned noticing a projector screen coming down. I was confused, ‘What’s going on? Some kind of prank?’

Suddenly a video started playing. I froze. Speechless.

It was of me- me and Jaehyun. Our fondest memories, playing on that screen.

I felt tears trickling down my face, my makeup surely ruined. It was beautiful. As the video reached its end, I saw someone emerge. It was him, Jaehyun.

Jaehyun walked towards me, stopping in front of me. He got down on one knee, grabbing my hands in his.

Oh.

I know what this was now. I know why he invited me here today. Just the thought of what was going to unfold, triggered more tears down my face.

“Y/N,” he said, kissing my left hand.

“My beautiful girlfriend. The past 4 years and even before that have been the greatest moments of my life. You were like the light at the end of a tunnel, you are my light. You gave me hope in this life. There hasn’t been a day where my love for you has faded, in fact it grows with every passing day. It’s come to the point where saying ‘I love you’ isn’t enough. We’ve gone through our fair share of ups and downs with one another, yet we still continue being by each other’s sides. Which is why, as of today I want to continue this journey with you, for as long as I live. I want to be with you, become family with you. I want to be yours and for you to be mine for as long as we both shall live.”

He let go of my hands, fetching something under his coat. Revealing a small velvet box. He opened it revealing the most beautiful diamond ring. My dream ring.

“Y/L/N will you marry me?”

I knew this was gonna happen, but I was still left speechless. The tears were nonstop. What did I do to deserve this, deserve him. He was like my sun, my life shined so brightly because of him. I truly love this man.

Shakily I replied, “Y-YES! Of course i’ll marry you.”

Jaehyun smiled, so big and bright, his beautiful dimples on full display. That might’ve been the happiest i’ve ever seen him.

He took out the ring from the box, slipping it onto my ring finger. He must’ve been nervous, as he was shaking quite a bit. He got up, bringing me into a hug. He lifted me up, spinning me in circles. I wished time would stop, so that I could treasure this moment.

He finally put me back down, now just staring at me, admiring me. I probably looked like a hot mess, but that didn’t matter to him.

“Thank you Y/N,” he said, tears finally falling down his cheeks.

“I love you so much Jae,” i say, squeezing his cheeks, trying to wipe away his tears.

“I love you way more wife.”

He leaned in, kissing me. We passionately kissed one another, tasting our tears in between. I could feel him smile as we kissed. He pulled away first, resting his forehead on mine.

This truly was the Best Christmas Ever.

© jhdyuiee

2023.12.24

thank you for reading, my first fic! i’ll be back in the future for more! stay tuned && let me know any remarks. Stay safe and Merry Christmas 🤍

[theyluvangel]

High Thoughts - Bang Chan x f!reader

requested!

warnings: friends to lovers, reader smokes weed, making out, protected sex, probably grammatical errors

wc: 1.5k

kinda changed the prompt but I hope whoever requested this likes it!

the ending is kinda lazy

MDNI

I lay back on my couch, setting the mostly finished blunt down on the ashtray. The dizzying feeling surrounds me, as my mind begins to play tricks on me. Smoking weed like this used to be a daily occasion, but thanks to Chan, my best friend, I haven’t smoked in a while. But also thanks to Chan, I'm smoking again. How ironic? Chan, whom I’ve known for several years has always been by my side. At first I dismissed my feelings, but now I can't suppress them. I like Chan, I love him. I want nothing more than for him to see me the same way I see him. The weed usually helps me forget, but now I can’t stop thinking about him in my high state. I should text him! With shaky hands I reach for my phone. I hold my phone in front of my face, struggling to unlock it. I pull up Chan's contact, pressing on it to message him. I keep tapping the screen, struggling to make sense of whats on it. My phone begins buzzing in hand, and then I hear a voice. 

“Hello? y/n, why’d you call me this late?” Oh shit, I called Chan. 

“Channie! I have some very important questions for you!” I reply, my words slurring ever so slightly. “Okay! First question! If I asked you to, would you make out with me?” I ask.

“Uhm, Y/n? Are you high right now?” chan asks, obviously caught off guard by my question.

“Whattt, nooo, why would you think that? I just want to know for future reference! Because i’d looovee to make out with you!” my words begin slurring even more, as I try to make my point. “Y’know Chan you are just such an amazing person, and I love you so much. I really wished you could like me the same way I liked you.” I let out a sigh as a wave of tiredness hits me. “Well Channie we’ve had a lovely conversation but I gotta go to sleep now. This weed makes me tired.” i add a yawn to emphasize my tiredness, as I fumble around with my phone trying to end the call.

“Y/n! Wait I-” before he can finish what he was going to say, I find the end call button and press it in a swift motion. I lay my phone back down on the table, as I make myself more comfortable on the couch. I lay my head down, unable to even comprehend the conversation I just had. I just lay there, thinking. My eyelids eventually fall shut, and I doze off into a weed induced nap.

I awake to beams of sunlight shining in through my large living room windows. I look around my living room, beginning to recall why I even fell asleep on the couch. My eyes land on the pair of sneakers by my door mat. The sneakers don’t belong to me, they could only belong to the one person I don’t want to see right now. “Oh! Hey y/n you're up. I let myself in, I hope you don’t mind.” Chan says as he sits in the chair across from me. “Y’know you really worried me with your call last night. I figured I’d  come over to talk.” he says, staring at the floor.

“Oh Chan…” I pause, taking a deep breath. “Look, i’m sorry about the call last night. Obviously I was high. I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable. I understand if you maybe don’t feel the same way about me, and that's fine.” I say, letting out a breath I didn’t know I was holding in.

“Y/n, I wish you had told me how you felt earlier. I’ve basically loved you since I met you. I never said anything because I didn’t want to ruin what we had. He lets out, his eyes finally meeting mine.

“You mean that?” I ask quietly. I never would’ve thought Chan of all people could love me as more than a friend.

“Yeah, I mean it Y/n. and to answer your question, I would make out with you. Only if you asked though” Chan says with a smile.

“Well that is not what I was expecting to hear, but I’m glad I did.” I say as I rise to my feet, making my way over to Chan. “Chan, will you make out with me?” I say as I bring my face closer to his and drape my arms around his shoulders.

“Well since you asked so nicely.” He says, bringing his face to mine, our lips connecting in a passionate kiss. Chan pulls me on his lap so I’m straddling his hips. Our lips stay connected as Chan's hands find a home on my waist, and my stay wrapped around his neck. My teeth pull at his lower lip, eliciting a deep groan from Chan. I grind my hips down on Chan's growing erection underneath me. Both of us groan at the friction, as I continue to grind my hips on to his own. “Fuck, you wanna take this to your bedroom?” Chan asks, finally separating his lips from my own. 

“Please Chan. you know where my room is.” I say without hesitation. Chan picks me up by my hips, allowing me to wrap my legs around his waist to hold onto him. I connect our lips again, this time in a much for lustful and needy kiss. 

Chan pushes my bedroom door open and gently lays me down on the bed. “Are you sure you want this? We can always stop, I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.” chan says with a soft smile. 

“Chan you have no clue how long I’ve wanted this. If we need to stop I’ll tell you, okay?”

“Okay.” he responds, leaning down to trap my lips in another kiss. He sits up and pulls his shirt over his head, then he stands to remove his pants. I can’t help but stare at the gorgeous man in front of me. I sit up as well to pull off my shirt, and slip off my shorts. I leave my bra and underwear on, like Chan who left his boxers on as well. Chan gets back on the bed, leaning over me. He places a kiss on my forehead, before trailing his lips down my neck, and to my chest, leaving a trail of kisses. He stops above my bra, looking up at me for any sign of discomfort. I give him an encouraging nod, which is all he needs to know he can fully undress me. His skilled hands make their way to my back to unclasp my bra, allowing it to fall of. Chan grabs it and throws it onto the pile of our other clothes. Chan kisses down my breasts, leaving small hickeys as he goes. He kisses a trail down to my stomach, again stopping this time once he gets to the top of my underwear. Making eye contact with me, he gently removes my panties, leaving me completely exposed.

“I hope you know how absolutely breathtaking you are y/n. You're the most gorgeous woman I've ever seen.” Chan says, leaning down to kiss me once more.

“Well you’re not too bad yourself.” I say with a smirk. Chan rolls his eyes at my response, before going back to kissing just about every inch of my body. He stands up to remove his only remaining clothing, being his boxers. “Do you have condoms?” he asks nervously.

“Yeah, top drawer.” I say, pointing to my nightstand. Chan grabs the box, opening a condom up, and rolling it onto his length. Chan climbs back on top of me, settling himself in between my legs. “Please tell me if you want to stop, I don’t want to hurt you.” Chan says with a weary look.

“I know Chan, now please fuck me already. With how hard you are, I doubt you can hold on much longer.” I say, smirking at the man above me. 

“Well you’re right about that my love.” Chan says as he lowers himself over me, grabbing his erection to insert it inside of me. It's no secret both of us are desperate, Chan is rock hard and I’m dripping wet. 

“Fuck, holy shit you feel so good.” Chan groans out once he bottoms out inside of me. I can’t contain my moans as Chan begins slowly thrusting in and out of me. “Faster, please.” I beg in a needy tone. My body feels like it is on fire with how turned on I am. Chan speeds up his pace while managing to keep a steady rhythm. Chan lets out low groans and moans that make a melody with my higher pitched ones. Chan buries his face in my neck, holding me close as his thrusts begin to get sloppy. “Gonna cum soon.” Chan groans in my ear.

“I’m close too.” I moan back in response. Chan brings one of his hands down to my clit, circling his thumb around it to bring me closer to my high. “Oh fuck!” I shout as I reach my climax, my thighs trembling as I cum. Chan groans out, and I can feel him cum as we ride our highs. Chan sighs as he collapses on top of me. “Holy shit, we should do that again.” he says, slowly pulling ou, trying not to overstimulate either of us. “I couldn’t agree more.” I reply.

[voiceoffenrisulfr]

Magic and Madness - Chapter Four

It is the Green-Eyed Monster Which Doth Mock the Meat it Feeds On.

𝐏𝐀𝐈𝐑𝐈𝐍𝐆𝐒 -> Tony Stark x Stephen Strange

𝐒𝐔𝐌𝐌𝐀𝐑𝐘 -> Tony acts like Tony, and Stephen gets caught out.

𝐖𝐎𝐑𝐃𝐂𝐎𝐔𝐍𝐓 -> 3335

𝐖𝐀𝐑𝐍𝐈𝐍𝐆𝐒 -> (E) CW: flirting with someone else, ED mentions (Nat), guilt, alcoholism, internalised homophobia. And smut. All the smut. All the time.

𝐀/𝐍 -> A Companion Piece to Multitudes, running relatively adjacent as of chapter thirteen (here), exploring the relationship of Tony Stark and Stephen Strange. This chapter corresponds to Multitudes chapter fifteen. Don't worry, the next chapter picks up... Oh, about two hours after this one ends. ;)

Check it out below, or on AO3 here! Dividers come from yours truly.

<- Previous Chapter (3/46) Next Chapter (5/46) ->

“Doctor Banner requests everyone’s attendance as a show of support and in order to discuss a development in Ms. Romanoff’s treatment. Please present for dinner thirty minutes earlier than usual in order to have a frank conversation regarding unacceptable permissiveness of problematic behaviour.”

Tony groaned, slinging an arm over his eyes. “Friday, I created you. I’m pretty certain I give the orders around here.”

“Yeah you do,” I muttered with a hum, nuzzling closer to his throat, and he laughed in shock, lips brushing my hair.

“Stephen Strange, how uncouth.”

I snorted tiredly, kissing the pulse thrumming beneath my mouth. “Shhh… It’s time to sleep, Stark.”

His fingers caressed my spine lightly, still bare, leaving a line of heat in his wake. “We probably shouldn’t. It sounds serious.”

“Yeah,” I sighed reluctantly, but found myself shuffling closer despite myself.

“Maybe we should cook something… It would be nice to show we care, right?”

We. We. We.

Please never stop saying that.

“I… Clint once gave me some of his goulash. Told me I’d know when to use it. I think that time is now,” I murmured against his skin, arm cinching tighter around his waist.

I’m scared to leave this paradise we have made. I know what we are outside of this bed, and I can’t do that. Not yet. Not now. Please.

“… I have already cooked this week. Think you can do your Sparkles stuff and take me to In-N-Out? Everybody loves cheeseburgers, right? … Man, I’d kill for a cheeseburger right now.”

I laughed, intrepid fingers trailing the hills and valleys of his ribcage. “You got it. …We have time, though, right?”

“What did you have in mind, sweetheart?” he purred, twitching closer.

Sweetheart.

I snorted, shaking my head fondly. “Sleep?” His face fell despite himself, and I grinned wickedly. “Though I do recall you essentially begging that I frequent the space between your legs far more often…”

“That. I choose that. Please.”

“Four hours… .015 BAC reduction per hour since imbibing… Nope. You’re sitting around… 0.14.”

“You short-changed me?” he muttered, and I winced, but he simply snorted. “Keep it .20 or over, and I don’t care. I can drink the difference.”

I rolled my eyes, shaking my head. “You’re missing the key point here. I’m spending absolutely no time between your legs when you’re legally intoxicated.”

He sighed, but laced his fingers in mine, pressing them to his forehead as his hips twitched. “Get it done, Sparkles.”

As much as he found very evident relief in my ministrations – or, as he so delightfully and filthily phrased it as his back arched and he jerked desperately, the fact that I could apparently ‘suck that cock like a goddamn pro’ – his reprieve was undeniable when I carefully inched his blood alcohol back up.

Hate. Wrong. No.

"Hi, can I have... I don’t know. Some. Thirty? Let’s say thirty. Thirty cheeseburgers. To go.”

“… You’re Tony Stark. You’re Iron Man. At In-N-Out Burger. Iron Man is at In-N-Out Burger.”

I rolled my eyes with a sigh, resisting the urge to snarl at the girl barely out of teenagehood and trailing her gaze across the individual I was quickly coming to consider mine, despite how ill-advised that may be.

“If I give you an autograph, can I get the burgers faster?” he purred, leaning forward on the counter as he pushed the sunglasses up his forehead to meet her eye, and she blushed.

“I-I-I’d love that! Ohmigosh, thank you!” she giggled, twisting her hair around her finger.

…Seriously?

He paid and pulled a pen from his pocket, the cap balanced between his teeth as he scrawled his name at the bottom of the receipt, presenting it with a flourish. “For you… Lola,” he added, grinning as his eyes flicked to her name badge, and she turned a deeper crimson as I fought the temptation to kill everyone in the room and then myself.

Pacifist. I’m a pacifist. We’re not even dating, right? And he’s single. To the outside world, he’s single. And straight. And definitely not mine. Nope. Not mine.

… Damn it all, I wish he was mine.

My hands shook as I formed the portal in the alley, taking us directly to the dining room. Tony only raised an eyebrow before I started to move again, muttering about picking something up from the Sanctum.

“… I’ll be right back. I brought burgers.”

He ducked through behind me before I could close the damned thing, raising an eyebrow. “Doctor Strange, are you trying to avoid me?”

“I’m picking up goulash,” I muttered, turning away petulantly to root through my poorly stocked freezer – but his hand clamped around my wrist, pulling me back to his chest.

“No no, sweet boy. You tried to drop me off first, rather than steal a few extra minutes with me. I’m not stupid.” Really? Feels like it. “What’s going on?”

I growled as I tugged back, feeling for all the world like a dramatic child, but unable to reign in my annoyance and jealousy. “Nothing. I don’t owe you anything, and you don’t owe me anything, right? So forget it.”

He blinked in surprise, fingers releasing me, and I stepped back. “… Is… Is this about the girl?” My jaw rolled in anger, and he laughed, moving toward me. “Stephen, I-”

“No. You don’t have to explain yourself, Stark. I understand completely.”

I’m your dirty, shameful secret.

“You’re sexy when you’re jealous,” he purred, inching nearer.

“Fuck you.”

“Even sexier when you’re mad.” My back bumped the counter, and his hands found the surface either side of me as he smirked. “Stephen, I am, very publicly, not… I mean, to the world, I like girls. But outside of the public eye… Well, I like you. Is that not enough? I flirted with her to get us out of there faster. To get you here, faster. To be with you, you goddamn idiot.”

Startled, I stammered wordlessly, then scowled. “That would mean more if you weren’t intoxicated, Stark.”

“What do I get if I let you make me entirely sober?” he murmured, lips tracing the curve of my throat. “I’d say it all again without a drop in my system.”

Anything. Everything. I’d do anything to hear you tell me you care about me without that stuff inside you.

“Anything,” I whispered, head falling back, before I flushed with panic. “I-I mean, I…”

“Anything, huh?” he snorted, hands finding my backside to slide me onto the counter, positioning himself between my thighs. “Well, that is incredibly tempting.” He was only a few inches shorter than I was, and almost definitely stronger, but I was still impressed – and aroused – by how easily he lifted me.

I wonder if he could throw me. Ideally onto a bed.

“…Fine.”

“Wh- huh?” I stammered, distracted by my own train of thought. Please break me. I’ll die a happy man.

“Sober me up, and I’ll tell you how much you mean to me. Or I’ll sob like a child – one of those two things,” he snorted, shaking his head. I hesitated, and he rolled his eyes, pressing my hand to his forehead.

“I’m waiting, Strange.”

I was getting far too adept at cleansing his system, and he winced as he blinked his eyes open.

“… I regret every choice that led me to this point… E-except you,” he added, glancing at me as his face reddened. “… I… You mean a lot to me, Stephen. A real lot, and certainly more than a girl in a fast-food restaurant. Or any restaurant – any… Any girl, Stephen. Dear God, this is hard. Is it always this hard? I miss being drunk,” he muttered, shaking his head firmly. “Stephen Strange, you maddening bastard, I can definitely see myself falling in love with you, okay? Okay. Awesome. Whiskey?”

I blinked in surprise as he moved away, hands shaking as he scoured my cupboards desperately. “Uh… You know I can…”

“That’s not exactly fair of me, is it?” he quipped, jaw tight. “Do you have any alcohol? How do you not have any alcohol?”

“There’s beer in the refrigerator, but-”

He raided the fridge desperately, using the metal edge around his wrist to pop the top and taking a long drink.

… Jesus, Stark. It’s that bad?

… Did he custom-make a bracelet for opening bottles? He’s… What a devastating waste of talent.

“Tony, can you just stop for a second?” I laughed hollowly, finally sliding from the counter to tug him closer by his shirt. “Just one kiss. One sober kiss?”

He hesitated briefly, chest trembling under my fingertips before his mouth met mine with a growl and a desperate groan. “I don’t have to see myself falling in love with you, Tony,” I breathed as we drew apart, my arms wrapping tightly around him to press my chin to his hair. “I am falling in love with you. My poor, sweet boy. I just want to help you.”

He sobbed at last, fingers clenching in the back of my shirt, and I held him harder. “I can’t. I can’t do this. I’m not… I… I’m not strong enough. Please, Stephen. Please.”

“I know, honey. It’s okay. I’ve got you – we’ve got this, okay? Together, I promise. I’ll always be here, no matter how long it takes, do you hear me?”

He wept freely against my chest as his knees gave way, and I let him shift to the floor, pulling him onto my lap and humming softly as I rocked his shaking body.

“… I hate this.”

“I know, Tony.”

“I don’t want to ask.”

I sighed, closing my eyes against my own pain as I pressed my lips to his forehead, the incantation falling easily. “You don’t have to, my dearest.”

He let out a soft whimper of relief, and I expected him to immediately scamper away – but he only curled closer, sniffling pitifully. “…. I… I’m sorry.”

“I know. It’s okay,” I murmured, hands still smoothing his back lightly.

“… Did you mean it?”

“Without a doubt.���

“… How?”

I drew back in surprise, and he flinched, red, tearstained face ducking. “I don’t understand what you’re asking.”

“How can you… I mean, look at me, Stephen. I’m not exactly what you… What people grow up dreaming about,” he muttered, waving a hand at himself tiredly, and I snorted.

“You’re all I’ve dreamt about for longer than I’d care to admit, Stark,” I admitted quietly, fingers entwining with his. “I know everything you’ve ever done, and you’re still the one I want.”

“You’re an idiot.”

“No, I’m a magician with numb legs, and we’re late to dinner. Now get off me, Stark. The sooner this is over, the sooner I finally get to wake up next to you.”

He smirked as he got to his feet, offering me his hand with a courteous bow.

I didn’t realise it had gotten so bad again, I reflected, wincing, Tony’s hand tracing gentle but distracting patterns on my knee.

Bruce had given us a quick rundown – and snorted at the fact that every single person, without fail or exception, had brought food to a meeting about someone who famously struggled to eat. We sat chagrined around the table, my own thoughts recalling helping her avoid Tony’s macaroni and cheese. I couldn’t bring myself to feel guilty – her distress and terror seemed profoundly genuine – but I knew I should have encouraged her to talk to someone.

I was distracted. Again. Thinking about him. …Am I terrible person? A terrible friend?

“Essentially, if you see something, say something,” Bruce finished, glancing around to a chorus of nods and murmurs of regret.

It seems I’m not the only one who let her get away with things she perhaps shouldn’t have.

“Hey, guys.”

My gaze shot up, fixing on the red band loose on her bony wrist as she waved, and I flinched.

A heavy, awkward silence followed, and Tony picked up his glass as he cleared his throat. At least he’s taking his time with this one… It’s still only his first. That’s an improvement, right?

“Eat a goddamn cheeseburger, Nat,” he snorted, taking a sip, and I winced in horror, along with Clint and around half of the others gathered – but she only laughed.

“Actually, I’d love one, if that’s a genuine offer.”

Oh, Natasha. I’m so proud of you.

There was a flurry of movement, serving dishes uncovered, a veritable feast spread across the table, and Tony picked up an individually-wrapped burger with a relish. “This lot have been cooking a bunch of what they like to call ‘real food’, but I went to In-N-Out. I cooked yesterday; that’s me done for the next month, at least.”

Yeah, that’s the exact reason you got fast food…

My hand traced his thigh, and he swallowed dryly, jaw twitching.

Wincing, I went to move away, concerned I’d accidentally angered him – but he grasped my fingers with his, keeping me exactly where I was, and I had to bite back a smile.

She rounded the table to sit beside him with a grin, reaching for a burger of her own.

I watched for a heartbeat, impressed, until Nick began to talk to her about her restricted duties until she was able to return to missions – level three or above – and I faded fully into the feeling of Tony’s thumb lightly caressing the back of my hand.

… Yeah. I’m definitely falling in love with him. Damn.

… I wonder how long I should wait before just giving in and letting him have his way with me. And how much I can reduce that without seeming too desperate.

Can it be yesterday?

No… I should definitely wait until he’s sober.

Though he was sober earlier, right? Maybe we can do that again.

Or should be sober-sober? Not just… Not actively inebriated?

Would it be right to sleep with him while he still harbours so much self-hatred?

... Can I stop myself?

Nat’s laugh jarred me from my thoughts, and I reluctantly tried a mouthful of the goulash I had no memory of serving myself. …I’ll be the first to admit it, this really is good. Well done, Clint.

He met my eyes with gracious nod, and I smiled softly.

Natasha snorted as I dropped my gaze one more. “You’re really selling it, Nick,” she muttered, before pausing and groaning. “Okay, I get it. I’d make a trip for this – and, as we all know… I don’t eat.”

Tony spluttered into his drink, and I moved instinctively, fingers shifting from his to the space between his shoulder blades, determinedly keeping my eyes on my bowl.

My thoughts would, without a doubt, be all over my face right now. Definitely better not to look at him. As much as I really, really want to.

Natasha and Clint were amongst the first to leave, though nobody complained, given her valiant attempt at eating. Bruce watched them with a fond smile before he adjourned shortly after, followed by Wanda and Vision, Shuri and T’Challa, Steven, Nick…

But Thor just kept eating, making it difficult – impossible – for Tony and I to leave together, and I stood with a reluctant sigh. “I… Suppose I should head back to the Sanctum,” I muttered, and the engineer nodded impassively.

“Goodnight, Doctor Strange.”

“Farewell, Stephen.”

The portal opened, and I stepped through reluctantly, sighing again as I found myself alone in my room and pulling my shirt over my head. “I was profoundly looking forward to waking up with him,” I muttered under my breath, tugging my phone from my slacks as it beeped.

I’m guessing I’ll see you shortly. On my way up now. Wear something considerably more comfortable… And easier to take off. - T x

I swallowed dryly, quickly tugging on some sweatpants I’d all but forgotten I owned, and a hoodie hanging at the back of my closet being pulled over my bare chest, hands shaking with anticipation as I made a new portal. “Why didn’t I think about the fact that I can make more than one?” I sighed, shaking my head as I stepped through to his empty bedroom. “Stark and his… His…”

“‘My’ what, Stephen? I implore you to finish that sentence.”

I whirled around to find him watching me with a smirk, eyebrow raising as he took in my appearance. “Your damn hands on me making my mind go blank,” I snapped, but he just bit his lip thoughtfully as he moved closer.

“I wondered where that had gotten to.”

I glanced down in surprise as he inclined his head, blushing furiously.

“I-I found it… In the gym. I didn’t know it was yours.”

“You didn’t know the hoodie that says Stark Industries across the chest in big letters belonged to Tony Stark?” he quipped, eyebrow arching dramatically. “And you, somehow, are a surgeon and wizard?”

Plus it smelled like you, but let’s not mention that.

“I, uh… I mean, there’s a few around here…”

“I’m pretty sure you figured it out the second you buried your face in it. Something tells me you know exactly what kind of cologne I use.”

My mouth worked wordlessly, mortified at the memory of doing exactly that, and I felt my cheeks turn crimson. “Were you spying on me?”

He snorted, shaking his head proudly. “Nope. Actually, I had no idea. I took a shot, and it paid off. You did, didn’t you? Damn, Strange. This thing went missing weeks ago. How long have you been sweet on me?”

Longer than I’m going to admit, you cocky asshole.

“Look, I… Shut up,” I floundered, making him chuckle, his fingers wrapping around the base of my neck.

“Sober me up – somewhat, at least – and then do me a favour, and take off everything except my hoodie.”

My fingertips pressed eagerly to his forehead, watching in delight as his eyes cleared and he stepped back, waving his hand pointedly.

“Sober and waiting, baby. Let’s go. Pants off.”

Baby. Baby baby baby baby baby baby I should not love that as much as I do, holy-

“Mr. Stark, anyone would think you only want me for my body,” I teased, sitting on the edge of the bed to slide off my sweatpants.

“Oh, I want every part of you, love. Body and mind.” I gulped and shivered, and he hummed thoughtfully, raising a brow. “… I don’t feel… Doctor Strange, did you take advantage of my vague request and make me far below .08?”

“You’ll be entirely sober in… Two hours,” I replied, grinning cheekily. “You know. Just in case.”

“Stephen, I’m shocked. Is this your way of telling me you’d like to go all the way?”

I felt my cheeks flame, and I shrugged softly. “It’s my way of telling you that I’m not necessarily opposed to the idea…”

He swallowed dryly, curling the light tremble of his fingers into tight fists. “… I have to be entirely sober?”

“Ideally.”

“How ‘ideally’?”

I rolled my eyes, reclining onto my elbows, shivering with delight as his gaze trailed along my legs slowly. “Yes, Tony. You have to be entirely sober if you want to… If we… That is…”

He smirked as he stalked closer, hands finding the sheets either side of my shoulders as his body weight pinned me. “You’re flailing, sweetheart. You can say fuck, you know.”

“You have to be entirely sober to fuck me,” I quipped, and he groaned as his mouth found mine.

“I guess you’ll have to find a good way to pass the next two hours then, huh? I’ll need the distraction.”

“Just think about that promise you made.”

“Promise?” he prompted, brow furrowed, and I brushed my lips against his lightly.

“Didn’t you say something about ravaging me?”

He stuttered out an indecipherable noise as his hands found my wrists, pinning my hands over my head as my legs wrapped around his waist. “Baby boy, I am going to destroy you.” Dear. God. Please.

[emmaelt]

On being diagnosd with AUDHD

It’s so unbelievable. I’m learning so much about myself this year, I keep joking I’m having an ‘Eat, Pray, Love’ year but it’s just ‘Body, Brain’. Maybe there's another B I'll find before the year is out.

With perspective, I don’t think I’ve really ever had depression - the only antidepressant I’ve tried is one that works best for ADHD people and now I know that that’s me it makes sense! - I think I’ve had meltdowns, burnout, and sensory issues the entire time? And I just always (tried to) push through and do my best but it’s never really gotten any better for me and my brain.

But now it’s like my entire life has been foggy and blurry and I’ve got glasses! Like my mum's story about getting glasses as a child and realising the trees have leaves from far away, or looking up and seeing actual stars. I feel like that’s what Adderal has done to me this week. But not just with being able to finally have a singular thought, but also in terms of day to day stuff that used to be actually painful for me.

I can put my clothes away now without crying first? And I still get sensory issues with stacking the dishwasher, but I don’t need to like psyche myself up for it as much. I’m not constantly narrating my own actions or having like an internal debate about every single fucking thing I have to do? The Autism stuff is still there - I’m reading this really fascinating book called ‘Unmasking Autism’ by Dr Devon Price that's really fucking me up (in a good way). But now that I know why I find things difficult, I can ask for things I need. I'm beginning to understand my own needs after supressing them for so long.

I went to the hygienist earlier in the month, and for the first time in my entire life I did not cry in my car from overstimulation after because I wore earplugs and had my noise cancelling headphones? And when I booked my haircut (first in over a year!) I told them I’d get overwhelmed and I don’t like wet hair on my neck and I’d wear headphones/earplugs, and the lovely person said if it was too loud they’d do it upstairs where it was much quieter! Who knew that I could ask for things I need, and most people would accomodate me?

I also am starting to let people know when I’m talking to them that I’m audhd and they seem to like me more? I don’t know, that one’s hard to explain, but the book I mentioned says that phenomenon is backed by experiments and research?

My brain is just 100 miles an hour but all going in the same direction now instead of bouncing about in a chamber like atoms or something. I can follow one cohesive thought from the moment I have it. Difficult (bad/negative/troubling/intrusive) thoughts are harder right now, because I can't distract myself from them as well.

So far on the meds - I know that my body always overreacts to meds/is more sensitive, so we started at a really low dose and even so, wow. I was more productive on Sunday afternoon (first dose at 6am that day) than I had been for the entirety of October. I currently have 0 unread emails and it’s revolutionary for me. My husband actually made me take a break because he didn’t want me to burn out, but even so I went to bed 4 hours later than normal… getting maybe 7 hours of sleep from my usual 10 I require is quite a difference for me - and I woke up at 5am Monday ready to go? Who is she?!?!

My brother said he feels that starting meds later in life compounded its positive impacts, as he developed so many coping mechanisms he wound't have otherwise. He said it was like going from 85% effective (70% base + 15% coping mechanisms) to 115%.

I’m so glad he feels that way, but I think maybe he has much lower support needs than I do, maybe because I’m both autistic and ADHD? I would have taken this medication over all of my struggling to learn how to barely manage (not thrive, I feel) any day. I feel like I’ve only ever had maybe 40% effectiveness, even with coping mechanisms. Even with being from an extremely privileged background, being highly educated, and really fucking smart.

How are other people without those things expected to manage?! None of my friends are even able to be seen on the NHS, as their GP's won't even refer them. I’m trying to not feel really devastatingly bad that I’m having such a different experience than them.

I was fortunate enought to have a parent who was proactive, she took me to like a new child psychologist or educational therapist every year when I was at primary school. They diagnosed me with dyslexia, but actually I’m hyperlexic. I eventually got diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I got medicated. But it never got better.

It took me 10 different private attempts (8 before I turned 18, 2 since), and the Doctor who diagnosed me with ADHD said I was ‘very clearly over the line for both inattentive and hyperactivity’. I’m really struggling with that because… I’ve got better coping mechanisms now? How could they not tell???? Well, they didn't acknowledge you could be both autistic and adhd until 2013 or something ridiculous, and girls were so rarely diagnosed with autism in the 2000's - so it makes sense I went undiagnosed. I’m really frustrated for my mum, because she spent so much time and effort trying to help me. But there was genuinely nothing she could have done.

Having context for my experiences along with this medication has been life altering... I feel I’ve unlocked my brain’s actual potential and I’m so devastated for past me that I wasn’t able to make the most of my younger years to be this version of me. I found everything so hard for so long... it's going to be really interesting to see what my life looks like from now on.

[dragonologist-phd]

Owlcatober Day 2 - Favorite Food

also on ao3

Mercury prepares her favorite meal of the day, with some help from her newest party member.

It’s a gorgeous morning, and Mercury greets the day just as it deserves- with a bright smile and a sizzling fresh breakfast.

Her companions are, as usual, a little less than appreciative of the cheery, auspicious start to the day. They’ve griped about it before- something about not wanting to be awoken at sunrise by the sound of banging pots- but honestly, what kind of mercenaries sleep in? Adventures always begin at the crack of dawn, not the crack of noon.

Fortunately, they’ve all had time to get used to each other’s habits by now, and at this point the complaints seem more habitual than sincere. In any case, Mercury’s found that the smell of cooking pancakes is enough to wake up even the laziest of bones.

The newest addition to their team, however, simply looks confused on his first morning with the party.

Nok-Nok wrinkles his nose as he peers over Mercury’s makeshift kitchen, taking it all in with wide, wary eyes. In a growly voice, he demands, “What sidekick doing?!”

“The name’s Mercury,” Mercury tells the little goblin for the umpteenth time. “And I’m making breakfast, of course!”

“She’s a morning person,” Octavia groans. She turns in her bedroll and buries her head under her blanket, accidentally stealing it from Regongar in the process. “A loud one. You get used to it…eventually.”

Mercury rolls her eyes at the overdramatic response to being woken up at a perfectly reasonable hour by a few clanging pans. “Everybody complains about the noise,” she points out, “but nobody complains about the pancakes.”

“But why smell like that?” Nok-Nok demands again. “Not how food supposed to smell!”

It smells perfectly fine to Mercury, but she leans closer and breathes deeply just in case. Nothing- just the sizzling dough, tinged with fruity sweetness.

Valerie scoffs from her position across the camp. She’s the only one of the party who rises even earlier than Mercury, and she’s also the only one who opts for dried travel-ready nonsense over Mercury’s handmade meals. The knight narrows her eyes suspiciously at the breakfast and remarks, “He’s probably smelling the remnants of your potions.”

“Come on, Val…” Mercury protests, only to be cut off.

“I told you not to call me that, just as I told that until you begin cleaning out your vessels properly, I will be providing meals for myself.”

“Fine, Valerie, suit yourself. But it’s fine, Nok-Nok, I promise. It’s my specialty- an old family recipe for pancakes with fruit and maple syrup. It’s my personal favorite, too, you’ll love it.”

“That why it smell funny,” Nok-Nok cries, pointing a hand accusingly at the cooking food. “No meat! No meat is no meal!”

“Oh…” Mercury can’t say she agrees with Nok-Nok’s declaration, but she’s never traveled with a goblin before. She should have guessed that she’d have to account for differences in diet. Her mind spins through the different possibilities to address this oversight. “I’d make bacon, but we don’t really have any raw meat on hand. Doesn’t travel well, unless you’ve got the spells for it- oh, I think we’ve got some jerky left! I could serve that on the side, or maybe tear it up and combine it with the toppings-”

“No good!” Nok-Nok says firmly. “Sidekicks need fresh meat, get big and strong like Nok-Nok. I go find meat for everyone.”

“You sure?” Mercury asks. “We’ve got plenty food otherwise, and I don’t think you’ll find much around here aside from a few squirrels.”

Nok-Nok claps his hands happily. “Squirrel perfect! You see. Nok-Nok get best breakfast.”

Mercury considers the eager goblin, then finally reaches a decision and gives a nod. “Okay. I’ll make you a deal. I’ll eat whatever you bring back, if you at least try this.”

She fishes out one of the cooked pancakes out of the pan and spreads it on a cheap clay plate. After that comes the grilled fruit-apples today, they’re in season and they pair wonderfully with maple sugar. Last, but arguably most importantly, she finishes the whole thing off with a generous drizzling of syrup.

Perfect, she thinks as she presents the plate to Nok-Nok. The satisfaction of an expertly prepared meal isn’t quite as invigorating as the satisfaction of an expertly prepared smokepowder bomb, but it might be the only thing in the world that comes close.

Nok-Nok watches the whole process with skeptical caution, but once presented with the plate he concedes to take a small, cautious bite- and he immediately recoils.

“Too sweet!” He declares. “Hurts Nok-Nok’s teeth!”

Mercury quickly pulls the plate back, but the goblin snatches it from her hands and takes another chomp. “Uck! Nasty!”

On it goes, as Nok-Nok quickly devours the pancake, protesting all the while. When he’s done, he shakes his head in disapproval and grabs his pair of rusty daggers. “I go get squirrel now! Better than this, you see!”

He grabs the cup of syrup before he runs off, and Mercury can hear the alternating noises of disgust and eager slurping as he scampers into the brush.

Valerie watches the exchange with detached bemusement. “You do realize you’re going to regret making that deal with him?” she says once he’s gone from sight.

“Nah,” Mercury says. “I think he’ll surprise all of us. Besides, the number one rule for both an alchemist and a chef is to always be on the lookout for new recipes.”

Even after Nok-Nok returns proudly with a skewered squirrel, which he then proceeds to burn to a crisp over the campfire, Mercury stands by her statement. Nok-Nok will be a valuable contribution to the team, she’s certain of it.

Just…maybe not as the team’s new chef.

[smallcjb]

I Need You To Know (Part 3)

- First of all, if you can all take mercy on me 😅 I have not written any sort of Drabble in a LOOOONGGG time. Like 6 years. And I saw a comment that was like, I guess there’s no part 3 and I couldn’t just leave it here. So I apologise if this ends up not seeming cohesive, but I am trying to bring closure to a Drabble series I started when I was a literal teenager 😅 I hope you enjoy! 💜 -

*MC pov*

Later that night I can’t sleep. I lie there, just staring up at the ceiling. Of course I’m just an asset to him. I really was just kidding myself to think otherwise.

An asset.

The words ring out in my head over and over again. I’d put myself in front of GUNS for him. What an idiot.

I feel rejected. Which is stupid because he was never mine. We haven’t even had a real conversation that isn’t around my ‘talents’. But somehow I did feel connected.

I sigh. I can’t just stay here moping. I get up and leave my room. I need to sort myself out, so I go knock on his door, maybe I can get some consolation.

Jaxon opens the door, looking a little confused to see me standing there.

“MC? You alright?”

“Can I come in? I need….I just need.” I don’t finish the sentence. I don’t know what it is I need but Jaxon seems like an easy option. He gestures behind him and I walk in.

“What the hell was that earlier? Standing in front of him like that? Stockholm syndrome? Like what?!”

He starts going off at me and that’s when I just go screw it. I curl my hands into his hair and kiss him. He freezes for a moment before he starts kissing me back.

The kiss starts to deepen and I feel his hand start to roam when….when….What am I doing?! I know I’m sad, but this is irational, this is stupid.

I pull away as quickly as I pulled him in. I see his confusion. It probably mirrors my own. And then I rush out before he has a chance to say anything.

*Antares pov*

As I’m heading to the toilet, the only privacy I’ll get on this ship, a door behind me opens. MC? She’s rushing out of the room looking panicked? And right behind her….

Jaxon…

What did he do to her?! Anger boils my blood and before I’m even thinking I’ve got him pinned up agains the wall.

“What did you do to her?” A growl enters my voice.

At this anger he actually smirks at me. A smirk!

“I didn’t do anything.” He says in a mocking tone. “She, on the other hand, just gave me the most mind blowing kiss I think she needed a minute to cool off.”

My grip loosens at this but my anger doesn’t. She kissed HIM? But? What am I even about to think. I told her she’s an asset, what right do I have to feel jealous. I let him go and walk off.

*MC pov*

The next day, feeling groggy would be an understatement for how I’m feeling. What was I thinking? I mean, I was thinking I was hurt and I wanted to feel something good. But that did not feel good. It felt wrong actually.

I go to grab some lunch when I run into Antares in the canteen. I give him a small smile and then walk past, grabbing what I need. How is he alone in here? Did Orion trust his twin more than we thought?

“Have a good night last night?”

Im caught off guard by his voice.

“Sorry?”

“Last night, did you have fun?”

Is that….hurt in his eyes? Fun last night? What is he….? Oh shit. He saw? But how could he think that was fun. All it was was a quick kiss and me running away?

Finally catching on I answer his question. “You think running out of someone’s room after the most awkward kiss is fun?” I see his eyebrows shoot in before he can train his face into the usual stoic look. “Why do you care anyway? I’m just your asset. I can be an engineer while kissing other people.” He lets out a grunt at that.

Before I get to explore what’s happening here more, Atlas and Orion walk in.

“So, we should be at a neutral colony in the next 5 hours, and we can be rid of our….guest.” Orion pauses on the word, probably trying to determine what matches him best.

“Good. I’ve decided I’ll leave you be with the engineer. I’ve got a back up in mind anyway.”

My heart stops.

He has a back up? Then why the hell would he even bother trying to get me back?

That hurts. Again, for no logical reason. But that I’ve been replaced so easily.

*Antares pov*

Of course I haven’t replaced her, and seeing that hurt across her face again awakens something inside of me. Something that makes me uncomfortable.

But she could see her kiss with Silva bothered me. And I can’t have that. I don’t care.

She is just. An. Asset.

Nothing more. That’s what I need to remind myself. So when I get off this ship, I will find a replacement. She made her choice.

Even if she said it was awkward? Maybe she means she just feels awkward telling me about it.

Whatever it is, this is not good for me. My crew probably already think I’ve hit my head or something. I will get off at this colony, call my crew, and forget about all of this.

Done. Easy.

* 5 hours later *

We land and I hear Orion and his crew speaking about what resources they need to collect before setting back off.

They drop me off in front of a communications centre and say next time I try and board their ship unannounced I’ll have a bullet in my chest. Such gracious hosts.

I call my crew and they tell me they’ll be with me as soon as possible.

Great, so I’ll just wait on this desolate colony. Maybe I should find a bar, get some drinks in me. It’s not like I can embarrass myself in front of my crew anymore.

I head straight to the barmaid and order 4 shots of the brightest green shot they have available. That should dull the last day for at least a little while.

As I’m downing my third shot I catch a glimpse of a familiar face. I turn, my head and I fail miserably at hiding the shock on my face.

MC?

I try to train my face back to neutrality.

“What are you doing here?” I keep my voice bland, disinterested, though that’s far from how I’m feeling.

She looks like she’s trying to bring up some deep hidden confidence. I see her pull a semi convincing confident smile.

“We have unfinished business.”

- That’s it for Part 3. I know, it’s rusty and awful, but at least I’m trying….right? 😅 Part 4 may be coming, or maybe I’ll disappear for another 6 years, who knows 😁 -

[mtdthoughts]

I have just finished writing Chapter 7 of the fanfiction.

This time, it's in Dali's perspective, and it contains the entirety of Episode 8 in his POV.

This chapter also hurt a bit to write. But I promise, it'll get better!!

I sat inside my tent, reflecting on what just happened. Just as I uncovered the truth of what had happened that Christmas night, Migi came and interrupted us. Through a series of blunders, he must have realized that Sali was me all along and bit me out of anger, and then he ran away from me just as I was about to start our revenge against Eiji. I attempted to run after him, but after encountering the old couple downstairs, there was no way I could continue chasing him, otherwise I’d risk exposing our secret to them. I had to give up and find Migi another day.

I continued staring at the bite mark my younger brother left on me. Sure, I understood why he was angry with me. I tricked him into falling in love with a disguised version of myself, and then I ruthlessly broke his heart after he caught me talking to Eiji. But I had to do it, it was all for Mother’s sake, and for ours as well. That’s what I told myself.

Yet even though I have lived with Migi my entire life, I wasn’t quite sure what to do now. Usually, when Migi was angry with me, he would just sit or lay down sulking, and he would get better after I comforted him a bit. I was prepared to take on Migi and all of his anger, but I wasn’t expecting him to run away from me. He’s never done this before! Even though I hurt Migi’s feelings, I hoped he’d be more understanding, that we could never live normally in Origon Village while we still had a duty to fulfill to Mother.

Who was I kidding? This was how Migi’s always been, relying on his emotions rather than reason. And it’s not like I haven’t noticed how Migi has  slowly slipped away into our new lifestyle in Origon Village. How he gradually became a true member of the Sonoyama family. How he… drifted away from me and Mother.

Regardless, this was something that needed to be done, and we needed to be together to do this. I’ll make it up to him later, but right now this matter comes first.

I lay in bed alone that night with nothing but a stuffed bear next to me. It felt unusually cold without my brother by my side. I struggled to get much sleep as I continually thought about what to do and what to say to Migi.

Suddenly, out of some strange compulsion, I decided to sneak out of the house and biked to Eiji’s house. I quietly crept over to the yard where Migi fell, and there I found the shattered necklace that Migi had tried to give me earlier. I picked up all the pieces and put them in my pocket before heading home to sleep.

Over the next couple of days, I decided to wait for Migi. I hoped that he would come back after cooling down a bit, but he never did. I also tried to repair the necklace, but I just couldn’t do it. It was shattered into so many pieces that it was beyond repair.

Eventually, I couldn’t wait anymore and decided to look for Migi myself. After searching around the various hiding spots we set up in Origon Village, I concluded that he had to be hiding in someone’s house.

I turned out to be correct, as when I showed up at Akiyama’s house, Akiyama’s words and expression revealed to me that Migi was indeed here.

After sending Akiyama away to fetch me a drink, I was able to locate Migi in Akiyama’s closet. He was still angry with me, but that didn’t matter right now. I just needed him to come back.

I attempted to force the door open, demanding Migi to come out, but he stubbornly refused to budge. Then, Akiyama’s intervention only left me more frustrated as I felt my chances of recovering Migi slipping away from me. I tried to convey my message to Migi through Akiyama, telling him that I didn’t mean to hurt him, and that I did all this to fulfill our promise to Mother. This was the truth, and at this point I was close to losing control of my own emotions.

Suddenly, Akiyama grabbed hold of me, telling me that I shouldn’t have to live according to my mother’s expectations, that I should let myself be free. Huh? What are you talking about? Don’t act as if you know anything about me… about us! This was something that needed to be done to end the curse that we carried all our lives!

Then, as Akiyama was distracted by his angry sister, Migi suddenly grabbed me and threw me into the closet. Before I could say anything, Migi told me he didn’t care about revenge anymore, and then proceeded to look me in the eyes, telling me that he won’t take orders from me anymore. I was lost for words. This was a complete disaster, as what I feared most came true, yet somehow, I couldn’t stop this from happening. I could do nothing but sit inside Akiyama’s closet, now stewing in the hopelessness from my futile attempts to take back Migi.

Suddenly, Akiyama wanted to go on a bicycle ride and took Migi with him. No. I couldn’t allow this to happen. If I continued to sit and do nothing, Migi would be gone forever. At this point, our secret didn’t matter anymore. I shoved the closet doors open and ran after Migi, but it was too late. I stood outside in horror as they sped away, with Migi shouting out loud that he was free.

Why? How could Migi do this to me? I thought that we understood each other, that we were supposed to be one, that we understood each other and the loneliness we shared.

I’ve always watched over him, protected him, and I remained the “strong older brother” just for him, even holding back my own pain and my own tears. I thought that Migi would be able to understand the sacrifices I had to make for our mission, that he wouldn’t leave me because of the promise we made. But how could he abandon Mother, how could he abandon me when we were so close to breaking the curse over us?

I suppose that in the end, Migi was just a brat who just cared about himself and his own pleasure. He only clung to me for comfort, and now that I’ve hurt him once, he’s ready to discard me like some broken tool. Even though we’re brothers.

I dragged my feet over to Mother’s grave and cursed the heavens for once again for bringing me yet again more misfortune. Before, I had Mother. Before, I had Migi. Now, I had no one.

This was all Eiji’s fault.

If he hadn’t killed Mother, she would still be with us.

If he hadn’t killed Mother, Migi would still be with me.

If he hadn’t killed Mother, my life would not have been filled with suffering.

At Mother’s grave I vowed to her that I would kill Eiji to set things right. To make sure that our suffering wasn’t for nothing.

If Migi wasn’t going to help me, then so be it. I’ll avenge Mother myself. I don’t need Migi anymore. I can’t let Migi drag me down anymore.

This was my duty.

Still, avenging Mother alone as Hitori Sonoyama was easier said than done. Now, I had to do everything Migi and I did in the house by myself, such as eating both our servings of food. It was difficult, but there’s no way I could slip up now. The old couple didn’t need to know about me, and I didn’t need them.

All I had to do was remain the perfect child. That was all I needed to do.

Doing all this felt like hell, and I reflected upon my situation as I vomited again into the toilet. Stupid Migi, why aren’t you here?

No, no. Don’t blame this on Migi. He’s always been this thoughtless and dull. And stop thinking about him, I thought to myself.

Later, I sat in the bath with the old man while stewing in my thoughts. Suddenly, after learning a trick about water pressure, I realized something: perhaps it was better that Migi wasn’t here anymore. Migi was always the incompetent one, always getting into messes that let me worry about him. Without Migi, I no longer had a stupid younger brother to drag me down while carrying out our revenge. All I needed to do was erase Migi’s existence from within me, allowing me to finally fulfill my duty to Mother.

Or so I thought.

When Halloween came, I hatched up the perfect scheme to kill Eiji. He always won the costume contest every year, so I rigged the winner’s throne so that a pumpkin would fall and hit his head once he sat on it. I thought it was quite poetic: just as Mother died after hitting her head because of Eiji, Eiji would die in a similar fashion.

Everything was going well according to plan, and I thought I could finally be rid of Eiji once and for all so that I could end my unhappiness once and for all, that I could finally prove that my life had meaning.

But then, everything went wrong when Eiji refused to sit on the throne. Suddenly, the one to sit on the throne was none other than Migi! I instinctively jumped down from the tree from where I was watching and ran as fast as I could to save him. I was in an utter state of panic.

At this point, our secret didn’t matter anymore, because Migi’s life was in danger! Even though I claimed I could erase Migi from within me, I just couldn’t. There was just no way I could, because Migi was my precious twin brother. These thoughts swirled my mind as Migi’s life flashed before my eyes.

When I heard the sound of the pumpkin being smashed my heart sank, as I thought that I had just killed my brother. Memories of Migi began to flood my mind. Memories of our time living in the Sonoyama house. Memories of us at school together. Memories of Migi… smiling from ear to ear during our date at the aquarium.

I thought that our days in Origon Village were meaningless, that they were simply a means to an end in avenging Mother, but I was dead wrong. In that moment I remembered what my original duty was, what my purpose was. Everything I did was for Migi, and it wasn’t out of some arbitrary obligation, but it was because I loved him. I loved him dearly, and it was his smile that I lived for, and it was the same smile that I trampled over and ruined. I thought that I was doing all this for him, but I couldn’t have been more wrong. A river of tears streamed from my eyes as I finally realized this truth.

I looked up to face what had happened, and to my shock, it was Eiji who was hit by the pumpkin, as if he had just saved Migi.

I stared at Migi, but before I could say, do, or even think anything, Migi turned around and bolted away as Akiyama ran after him. By the time I had recovered from my shock and thought of going after Migi, it was already too late. The crowd was in complete chaos, and I had already lost him.

The Sonoyamas found me in tears, and with worried looks on their faces, they frantically asked me if I was okay.

I couldn’t say a word.

They then took me into their arms as we walked home together, though I couldn’t stop thinking about what had just happened.

Once we arrived home, the old couple put me in bed to let me rest, but there was no way I could get better. Even though it was good that Migi was still alive, I couldn’t bear that I had almost killed him.

Deep down, I knew that Migi just wanted to live a normal life in Origon Village, yet in anger, desperation, and fear, I couldn’t let him have it. Instead, I dragged him around, brought him into danger, and crushed his heart, thinking that he would just get over it. I feared that Migi would drift away from me if he became a part of this town, and yet I made this happen myself with my own foolishness.

What was I thinking?

I thought I was protecting Migi, but all I did was make him cry.

How could I do these things to him?

He was all I had, and yet I pushed him away so cruelly.

It’s all my fault that Migi’s gone now, yet I couldn’t help but want him back as I muttered his name while crying, clutching the remains of the dolphin pendant that he once cherished. It was insufferable, as if I was drowning in an ocean of my own tears and loneliness.

Even if Migi hated me, I still loved him. I don’t care if he was still angry with me, I just wanted him back, to make things right with him, to see his smile again, and I would give anything for that. Without Migi, how could I possibly go on?

[canary0]

May 24 - Dracula 2023

Content Warning: mental health treatment, mental hospitals, schizophrenia

Dr. Seward's notes - recorded via phone audio

Reduced appetite, sleep disruptions, and loss of interest in things that I enjoyed before. As a clinician, I know I really shouldn’t try to apply diagnoses to myself – we all observe ourselves with our own self-perception and internal narrative. Still, I can’t think to call this anything but depression over my rejection earlier. Not unusual, so I already know the best distraction for me is work until it passes. Fortunately, my appointment schedule is usually very full – finding enough qualified psychiatrists for the hospital has been a challenge. Probably not a good time to dwell on that.

I have a particular interest in one of my patients with whom I had an appointment today. His situation is unusual, so I’m doing my best to understand him as well as I can. His form of delusion is fairly uncommon, more well documented in the past than now.

I’m realizing that I may have been too intense about it – more interested in putting together a case study that helping him reach a point of being able to live a normal life. Normally I focus on the latter, and I’d avoid keeping them in a steady state like the mouth of hell itself. Omnia Romæ venalia sunt - “Hell has its price,” after all.

But with him having gone untreated as long as he has, it’s also very important to understand how exactly his delusion works and what his specific situation is to develop a medication and treatment plan. So, let me take down what I know at the current time (with permission):

R. M. Renfield, age 59. He’s very outgoing and active, generally with a positive, or at least excitable mindset. He’s very strong, inclined to physical activity. He’s prone to unpredictable periods of depression which tend to end in getting a very fixed idea about something. He takes particularly to causes, it seems like, and is difficult to deter once he decides one is indeed a cause. He went untreated and was cared for privately since his 20s before he was brought in after injuring the pet of someone he knew. He hasn’t had any visitors since he arrived. Lack of connections may make his treatment more difficult. His only serious physical issue at the moment is high blood pressure, which is common for men of his age, so we’re at least going to get him started on amlodipine while we figure out the rest. I’ll speak with the psychopharmacologist, but his age makes me a little concerned about using antipsychotics. We may start one at a low dose and see how he responds. As far as therapy goes, observation hasn’t revealed much in terms of stronger or weaker moments in his delusions, so we may end up having to work within that framework to improve quality of life for now.

Quincey Morris to Arthur Holmwood

Via SMS

Quincey: We’ve told stories by the fire, dressed each other’s wounds, and made toasts on the shores of Titicaca. I think it’s time for more of the former and latter, don’t you think? My campfire has a spot for you, and I happen to know a certain lady is busy with a dinner party tomorrow night, so she’ll be otherwise occupied.

Arthur: Naturally. Count me in every time. Is anyone else coming?

Quincey: Our friend from that time in Korea, Jack Seward. It’s time to drown our sorrows as we toast to the good fortune of the happiest man in the world.

Arthur: You’re not wrong about that.

Quincey: Of course I’m not! And you’ve earned it, along with the best heard in the world.

Arthur: I’ll be sure to be there. Besides, I have some news you’ll both want to here.

Quincey: Excellent! See you then.

(A/N: Although in the book Renfield was observed with schizophrenia from a normal age of onset, I suspect he must have avoided treatment for quite a while under modern care to be in his current state. I’m always hesitant to address severe mental health difficulties in my fiction, because I don’t want to give the impression that I think some ableist shit.

I’m going to be open here to that end and state that any depiction here is going to be informed by my own experience with depression with psychosis and having gone with it largely untreated for a long time. It no longer presents those symptoms for me, thankfully, but I’m empathetic to the experience of having them.

So while Renfield and his treatment is certainly a potentially spicy subject, I’m gonna do my best to present it and his treatment in the best way I can. Seward wasn’t depicted as incompetent for his time (as bad as the methods of his time were), so his modern treatment methods shouldn’t be incompetent. I consulted with a mental health professional about this entry so... hopefully it's okay.

Thank god for Quincey and Arthur also talking today. @_@)

[autumnalwalker]

Find The Word Tag

Thank you for the tag, @writernopal.

My words to find were lucky, smoking, empty, racing, & stare.

Passing the tag to @hollyannwrites, @blind-the-winds, @void-botanist, @rickie-the-storyteller, @dontjudgemeimawriter, and the usual open tag.

Your words to find shall be acknowledge, upstairs, coarse, darkened, & unison.

Lucky: Empty Names - 13 - Open Office

“So.  Loopholes.  I don’t know a lot about nominal magic but I’d done a little bit of reading up on it for personal reasons and then tried to refresh myself on the topic when I knew the contracts were going to be a thing.  Point is, I signed and swore the magic part of it with my deadname, hoping it would be me enough to let the contract seal but not me enough to be enforceable.  Magically anyway.  Legally, yeah, I’m still probably in trouble.”

“Clever,” Bridgewood says.  “That’s the sort of trick you can only get away with once though.  Twice if you’re very lucky.  More than that and you risk acknowledging it as a Name of yours once again and you’ll get any bindings you’d been avoiding that way snapping back on you at once.”

“Thanks for the warning?”

“I speak from experience.”  His tone seems genuinely sympathetic for once.  Lacuna finds it disconcerting.

Smoking: The Archivist's Journal, Day 152

I was awoken by an unusually loud crack of thunder this morning.  Earlier than I usually wake, but late enough that I couldn’t really get back to sleep, so here I am.  How close must that lightning strike have been that I heard it so clearly in my twice-barred subterranean chamber?  I briefly went upstairs and stuck my head out the door to the street, but I didn’t see anything smoking or burning, so it probably didn’t hit a building.

Empty: The Archivist's Journal, Day 311

We made the usual greetings that friends unexpectedly bumping into one another on the street would make, both claimed to be “fine” when asking each other how we were doing, and had a moment of awkward silence as we both contemplated whether to bring up the topic of Maiko.  Thankfully, the presence of the dustpan and bucket made for a convenient redirection of conversation.

With the embarrassment of a child caught in the middle of some mischief, I told her about my visits to the empty tower and how on something of a whim I’d decided to try cleaning it.  In a spur-of-the-moment decision I invited her to come up with me.  I thought she might enjoy the view.

She had a moment of hesitation, citing other things she should be doing, followed by a coarse-languaged dismissal of said responsibilities and acknowledgement that she needed a break.  Her immediate transition into heading off toward the tower left me being the one to follow after her.  

Racing: The Archivist's Journal, Day 31

It was Lin who gently ended the reverie, wanting to show me something.  While we’d been sitting there stargazing and “star”gazing she’d left one arm dangling over the side of the boat and trailing in the water.  Now as she pulled it up to show me her fingers had taken on a similar starry glint.  It faded back to normal within a few seconds of showing me, and as it did so I could tell that it was not just a matter of being coated in a dark glitter-filled liquid.  It was as if her skin itself had darkened to a blue-black and begun glowing with a white light from scattered pores, especially clustered along her veins.

This unsettled me greatly as my mind started racing to think of things that could do that to a person and not coming up with anything good.  I apparently did a poor job at hiding my concern as, seeming upset at having accidentally scared me, Lin began frantically reassuring me that it was perfectly safe and people even went swimming in this lake all the time.  As if to prove this point she started kicking off her shoes and then jumped off the side of the boat fully clothed, splashing me and setting the small craft rocking.  I suppose this was the “just in case” for bringing along a second set of clothes.

Stare: Empty Names - 4- Prince In Gold

“And I see you still insist on wearing that same hideous vest as always,” she continues.  

“No, this one’s gold.  You’re thinking of the dandelion one.  Or maybe the ochre.”

“It’s all the same pattern though, just different shades.”

“And it’s a lovely pattern, isn’t it.  I’m considering wallpapering one of the guest bedrooms with it.  What do you think?”

His friend laughs.  “Only if you want to drive whoever tries sleeping there mad.”

“I’ll take that as your seal of approval then.”

“Don’t you dare,” his friend says, suddenly serious and glaring at him from across the table.  

“Oh, I dare,” Sullivan says as he meets her gaze.  

The two of them stare in silence for a solid minute before bursting into laughter in near unison.  Not that any of the other restaurant patrons can hear.  Privacy is part of the service here.  

The laughter dies down and Sullivan wipes a nonexistent tear from his eye before saying “It’s truly been too long, my friend.”

[jodilin65]

THURSDAY, JULY 31, 2014 “Boy, my boobies are really getting their sag on lately,” I said to Tom earlier.

“Yes, you’re losing weight,” he said, “That’s what happens.”

Oh, yeah, that’s right. I forgot about that and how the skin takes time to tighten up and all that. It’s been years since I was able to lose weight. Only now it’s coming off more due to whatever’s causing this anxiety than from diet and exercise. My appetite may not be what it usually is but I’m still eating enough and I’ve had very little exercise. Too afraid to do anything to elevate a heart that’s already elevated enough. Not until I find out for sure what’s going on. So… 10 down, 20 to go, yet I’d take it all back if it meant no longer feeling so yucky half the time.

The endo doc didn’t blow me off after all. Don’t know why it took her two days to get back to me, but I’m going in for blood work today. I may not know the results till next week, though.

The racy heart and upset stomach are coming and going. I had a fairly decent day yesterday and went to bed relatively calm. I never needed a chill pill. But then I awoke 5 hours into my sleep with a racing heart and upset stomach. I battled that on and off for a while and then dozed on and off till 3am when I woke up again with a racy heart. Since then it’s been an on-and-off thing. I don’t want to chill pill it if I can help it because I don’t want to feel drowsy.

wipes tears of frustration from eyes I just want to get back to myself and feel like my old self again!!! At first I thought it was anxiety, but now I’m leaning toward the medication. After the biopsy was completed and the test results were good, the anxiety went on and again and I still say it’s not like me to be anxious without a good reason. Even when I last had reason to be anxious I don’t remember feeling this ill this often. I know that stress and anxiety aren’t quite the same thing, but still, I know myself, too. I can be pissed and even moody when things are going well, but sad, mad, scared, anxious or suicidal usually needs a damn good reason.

I hope it is just a case of the medication needing adjusting because that would be simple and the quickest, easiest thing to deal with. Since there’s nothing physiologically wrong with me that could cause this and if it’s not the meds, that could only leave something deep and dark harboring in my subconscious that’s triggering this. If it’s me causing this and if this is coming from my head, then this is a new thing for me. I’ve had my so-called blocks and complexes the same as anyone else, but this is a bit large scale for me. I just can’t imagine what could be going on in my subconscious to make me feel like this. Our savings is low, our garbage disposal is busted, but life is otherwise fine.

But what do I do if it turns out it’s not the meds? I guess I get on a more permanent chill pill for a while and maybe even return to the counselor. I just want to figure it out – whatever it is – so I can fix it! If it’s wearing my favorite color… fine, I’ll stop wearing it!

WEDNESDAY, JULY 30, 2014 Unless she didn’t get my message, my endo doc has completely blown me off. Also, I’m now starting to think, no matter what my PCP doc and Tom think, that levothyroxine is responsible for the anxiety attacks and racing heart. Sure I’ve had some anxiety. Who wouldn’t that felt like shit? But THIS degree of anxiety when things are going well? It’s just not like me. There’s nothing out of the ordinary going on in my life right now that goes beyond the normal everyday ups and downs.

Yesterday the raciness and anxiety came and went in waves. I finally had to take a chill pill at the end of my day. I slept a whopping 10 hours and did NOT want to get up and face another day of feeling like shit. Then an idea hit me. Food blocks the absorption of the levothyroxine and that’s why we’re told to wait a half-hour, or even an hour before we eat or have coffee. I took the pill and then had a smoothie and my coffee right away, and… nothing. All has been just fine and that was 3 hours ago. Each day I will wait 5 minutes longer before I have my coffee and we’ll see what happens.

It’s kind of sad that I have to be the one to diagnose myself and it’s also a reminder that most doctors don’t seem to know what they’re doing, but I really, really suspect one of my medications is doing this to me. Not some sudden kick-ass “anxiety trip” when life is going well.

At least Tom and I got to spend a week in Waikiki in my dreams last night! My dentist was in one of the dreams too, but I’m not sure what it was about. The night before last I had this dream I had to move a long strip of carpet that was wet on the ends. I don’t know where I was moving it to or how I could’ve possibly carried it. The thing was about 10’ wide and 100’ long.

Later…

I’m still not sure just what Aly wants. She speaks of missing me in her blog and how she doesn’t comment on mine because that’d be totally unwanted, yet she hasn’t responded to my feedback on my-diary. I guess it’s still probably for the better that I stay away from her and the trolls. I mean, I’ll talk to her if she wants to talk, but it’s looking like she’d rather not so I’m not going to reach out to her any more than I already have.

Years ago I may’ve written about the pictures. Not the pretty pics I collect these days of nature and animals that I plaster throughout various blogs and other accounts of mine, but the celebrity pics. As in Charlie’s Angels, Linda Ronstadt and Gloria Estefan.

For years I tried to convince myself that my ability to communicate to them and for the pictures to be able to see, hear and understand me was just my crazy mind high on wishful thinking. But I never really believed that. We can’t exactly lie to ourselves. We can lie to and fool others, but the one person that’s hard as hell to deceive is ourselves. At least I totally believe that.

But it wasn’t them. The entity or ghost or being or whatever you want to call it that “dwelled” in Kate’s pic was not Kate herself. Kate’s pic was just the host. Just the pretty packaging that housed a spirit of God knows what kind. I don’t know the hows and whys, I just know the whats, if that makes any sense. Someone or something “took over” those photos. Something with a full-blown sense of awareness. It couldn’t physically reach out and touch me like Tom can reach out and touch me. I couldn’t hear its voice like I can hear his voice. I never saw any movement within the pictures; they didn’t blink their eyes or anything like that. I never smelled anything unusual, nor did I feel anything. Meaning that when I touched the pictures they felt like what they should feel like – paper.

To this day I really, really find it hard to believe that I simply “brought these pictures to life” and simply imagined an existence within just for fun or because of the hardships I endured as a kid. The people in the pictures were always making eye contact with the camera, and I can’t imagine being able to do this with just any picture, especially someone I know. I know that sounds absolutely insane, but it’s like with my other psychic abilities or whatever you want to call them; an acute sense of knowing. I just knew they were aware of me and what I was saying and doing.

But how??? Was it some kind of power coming from me? Something else? They were “unique,” too. Meaning that each one was their own person/personality/identity, but if I got a copy of the same picture later on, it would be like “meeting” a stranger. They wouldn’t have the same memories as the other copy. I know it sounds totally ludicrous, but that’s the way it worked.

I don’t know what the hell the presence was that dwelled within the images, but whatever it was so strong I could kind of sense it even if I’d take the pictures down (I usually had them taped on the wall).

Eight years or so after getting the first of the pictures, I wanted more privacy, so to speak, as I got older, and ditched them all. The first round of pics only contained those of Kate and Linda since Gloria wasn’t famous yet.

About 4 or 5 years later in my early to mid-20s, I had pictures again, mostly Gloria’s. My mom was the one who ended that collection. Most of it anyway. Dad drove most of my stuff down to their place in Florida to be shipped to me in Arizona and those never arrived. I was surprised either.

So until I kick this anxiety, regardless of what’s causing it, I printed out an old Gloria pic that was one of my faves so I feel less alone when Tom’s not home. Has it helped? Yeah, I think it has. But we only “talk” when he’s not home. No, it’s not that Tom would freak out and drag me to the local funny farm. It’s just that when he’s here he’s all I need. I mean, I could talk to the rats, but they don’t know what I’m saying. Whatever’s “powering” this photo with knowledge and awareness does.

TUESDAY, JULY 29, 2014 Sometimes I still miss Aly. She had so much more good in her than bad that letting go isn't always very easy. I’d say I only let go about 75%. Letting go 100% may be what’s best, but it’s not what’s easiest.

I miss her creative, intelligent side. We had a ton of stuff in common from writing to languages and a lot more. I realize there are many worse things to lie about than who we’re friends with, as she knows she did, and that lying about this doesn’t automatically mean she can lie about bigger things, but that’s basically what I had a problem with. I know she has a right to pick and choose her own friends and that the reason she lied to me about them was that I knew I wouldn’t approve. They’ve stalked us both in the past and well, I worried they would push her to dump her and then stalk and harass her all over again. I also know that I can’t expect to babysit her either. She’s a big girl and she’s got to look out for herself. If being friends with them again turns out to be a mistake, it's her mistake to make, isn’t it?

Between the 3 of them, they haven’t caused me any harm, but they did cause me a lot of grief, and I don’t know how involved she may’ve been in some pranks that were pulled on me a while back, one in which nearly caused me to blame and dump an innocent friend. There are also the things she seemed to know that she shouldn’t have known, but had the know-how to figure out, if that makes any sense. Back when I wasn’t completely innocent myself and would pull some pranks, somebody somewhere knew damn well it was me when they shouldn’t have. I don’t want to accuse anyone of hacking into sites that may not have done so, but they KNEW. Come on, I wasn’t nearly that obvious and I don’t care how smart she or anyone else may be. Someone had to have some sort of advanced tracking or hacking system. What about the time Kathy and I anonymously played with Molly on the old MyOpera? The anonymous person then suddenly said, “You now have two people playing with you. Shall I contact you to let you know what’s going on?”

Ok, so HOW did they know it when Kathy started in??? And if they did hack sites like MO and Ask, how did they do it and remain undetected? Could someone have been hacking our individual IP accounts to see where we’d been??? I just don’t get it. All I know is that whoever it was, they knew it was me when I was alone, and they knew two people were ranking on Molly once Kathy joined in.

Afterward, I felt bad about it no matter who knew what, for I was just as bad as the trolls themselves by stooping to their level. I vowed never to repeat my behavior. I may look in on some people from time to time, but I remain silent. Drama breeds drama, so I know good and well that if I make a nasty comment to someone instead of holding my tongue, karma will just bite me in the ass for it. It’s not worth it. Besides, I don’t hate Molly. I hate what she did to me long ago, but I don’t hate her. Never thought I’d say this but it does seem that she’s improved over time. She doesn’t look in on my blogs very often. I don’t know how she’d react if she were dumped, but she hasn’t been a problem in quite a while now. Little concerned, though, why her mother would care to look in on me.

Sometimes I wish I was one of those who could suffer in silence, but what good would that do me to suppress my problems? The only way to get help is to let others know, not to mention the fact that writing about them is very therapeutic. I just don’t want to bring others down with me or make them think I’m out for attention. Then again, if I have, then they obviously don’t know me well, and well, that’s their problem. Not mine.

Still… this whole thing with the anxiety has been making me feel both courageous and weak if that makes any sense.

MONDAY, JULY 28, 2014 I’ve had a really shitty night. And scary, too. I’ve considered myself agnostic for the longest time, but now I’m swinging more towards being an atheist. What sane, loving God wouldn’t care to help one in such a shitty situation? Yet I was totally on my own. Tom did what he could, but I’ve come to realize more so than ever that the notion of this loving God we can run to for help is pure and utter bullshit. Just a fantasy too many people fall for. I don’t doubt that those “answered” prayers would’ve happened anyway. It just pisses the shit out of me that whether or not there’s a God that’s hated me since I was a baby or absolutely no God at all, this is what I get for trying to be a decent, honest person in life. One problem after another.

Tom said he can’t speak for before we met, but he insists there’s nothing up there that’s got it in for me. Nothing at all. Well, I sure feel like I’m being picked on, alright, and all my requests for help have gone ignored. It’s going to be 100% up to me to figure it out.

sighs So what can I do? I guess all I can do is acknowledge and accept that there’s nothing up there, and that if there is, it doesn’t give a shit about me. My childhood has proven that so why would things change now? I’m nothing in any possible God’s eyes and only the doctors, my husband and myself can help me pull through these random anxiety attacks that seem to jump out and hit me out of nowhere.

Right now I’m too tired to get into many details, but I’ll just say it hit me during my bike ride for the first time ever. When working out my heartbeat typically goes to 130, but when I came in it was 161. It was utterly terrifying. sighs again So now I’m afraid to work out. I’m afraid to do anything. As my experience and research have shown there are certain triggers – anger, fear, excitement, physical exertion, etc. I just never know when it’s going to sneak up on me. Sometimes it can hit you when you’re just sitting in a chair or lying down.

Right now I’m too tired to stay up, but not ready for sleep. I’d hate to go in and lay down until I’m sure I can sleep. If I don’t keep my mind on things like writing, reading, watching TV – something – my mind starts to take me places I don’t want to go and my heartbeat quickly follows.

Later…

Still alive after yesterday’s scary 161 that my heart reached when an anxiety attack hit me during a bike ride. It was just horrible. It literally felt like the damn thing was beating in my throat. I lay down and tried my breathing exercises. When that didn’t work I took a lorazepam. Still terrified, I woke Tom up. As much as he insists it’s ok to wake him up when things get that bad, I still feel bad about it. I am, however, greatly appreciative of how he was able to help calm me down along with the lorazepam.

I’m just not sure what to do yet. I don’t want to spend more money on health issues but may have to do if these attacks don’t ebb away in a few weeks or so. I try to keep busy. I don't want to ignore my problems any more than I want to dwell on them. I'm PMSing now, which doesn't help my mood. What's scary is knowing an anxiety attack can hit me anytime, anywhere, no matter what I'm doing, thinking or feeling. Your life doesn’t have to be in shambles to have this, and no, telling yourself to “just smile” and “just look on the bright side,” won’t always work. You can’t consciously make an attack come on or prevent them from coming on. They have a mind of their own. The key is learning to cope with them and it’s been anything but easy. I wondered to Tom the other day why my anxiety wasn’t this physical (though it was still bad enough) when we were going through the hell we went through a few years ago, and he said it was because he was home with me back then. That’s true, he was. Now he’s working full-time, as usual.

For now, I just try to keep my mind occupied on things like writing, working and doing stuff around the house. If I don't, every horrible "what if" will go through my mind and drive me crazy, along with wondering if my heart seems faster than it was just minutes ago. That’s another thing I asked Tom – how come my heart didn’t go ballistic in any abnormal way when I nearly ran into that skunk that night when I was on foot? He said I wasn’t obsessed with my heartbeat like I am now. Yeah, he’s probably right, LOL, as usual. Oh, I was startled, mind you, and my heartbeat did speed up. But once I put a safe distance between the skunk and I and saw it wasn’t going to chase me or anything like that, I calmed down. I didn’t panic and feel like I may pass out and like the world was going to end and I was drowning in quicksand or anything extraordinary like that.

Right now I feel a bit anxious and down, but nothing too serious. My endo doc asked me questions I thought I already answered when she was away, so I explained the situation a little more clearly to her.

Right now I'm worried more for Tammy. The disease has spread to her muscles, nerves and organs. They’re doing a CAT scan to check her organs and an extensive breathing test, but I don’t know if there’s much more they could do for her even if she quit smoking right now.

SUNDAY, JULY 27, 2014 Two days ago was a great day, but yesterday I had intermittent spells of a racy heart and finally caved in and took a lorazepam. It made me a bit drowsy but I felt better. The whole thing really sucks shit big time. I never know when it's going to hit. Not sure if I should continue on with it as needed, see about something you take daily (after what happened with the Navane, I don't want to get addicted and be no better than one who turns to drugs and alcohol) or see the therapist again. I don't want to have to spend money on doctors and therapists that could be going to other things - things we want, things we need, savings…

But then I got up today and an hour later my heart raced up to 125. The only good thing is that it didn’t last long this time before it quickly dropped to 99. Still, I decided a second opinion was in order. A PCP doctor is one thing, but a specialist is another. So I emailed my endo doc, told her I have a racy heart on and off and an upset stomach, and asked if my dose should be lowered or not. I also told her that my PCP suspected it could be anxiety.

I don't doubt that there may be some anxiety hanging over me, but I can tell you one thing for sure – no amount of weight loss is worth this yucky feeling. I feel just great right now, but how will I feel in an hour from now? Or in 5 hours from now? How about tomorrow? That’s what’s making it tough to live with; the never knowing. Tom thinks I’m just super hyperaware right now and that there’s something going on in my head that’s triggering these attacks. But WHAT???

He doesn’t know for sure but thinks that maybe my subconscious is still afraid of pills after the OD, or maybe our 1-year anniversary here triggered it. Well, I definitely feared something would hit me with a slew of health issues once we got in here and were better off financially. He wonders if maybe I was stressed out in the back of my mind since the few good neighbors we’ve had seem to move or go bad within a year. But they haven’t, as I told Tom, and he said, “IDK, maybe your mind manifested something bad happening anyway. You have this thing with anniversaries.”

The 25th marked 7 years in Cali and nothing bad happened that day, though, I told him, and he laughed and said, “Well, every day is an anniversary of something.”

True. Today marks the 33rd anniversary of my 5-month stay at the Brattleboro Retreat in Vermont. I was just 15 years old and my mother was about the age I am now when she one day up and threw me away because the “experts” said it’d be great for me. Yeah, well, Brattleboro wasn’t as bad as Valleyhead, but it was plenty bad enough. They doped me up and made me feel like a real prisoner. Being myself was a definite no-no no matter how harmless it may’ve been, and in the event that I did self-harm, it was because the adults in my world were crazier than I was and they drove me to it! As even Dana said, “Sometimes one of the scariest things to growing up is realizing you were ok after all and it’s the rest of the world that’s crazy.”

For now, I love that I can email my doctors at any time of night and day and know that I'll get an answer in 24 hours or less. No having to stay up or get up to make a phone call to a nurse who has to patch the message through and then get back to me. I will base my next decision on what she has to say. If she too, says it’s not the pills, then I guess it’s back to Dana unless I can learn to manage when my heart goes boom, boom, boom on my own.

SATURDAY, JULY 26, 2014 Aly ignored my question about what she was looking for in my journal but didn’t visit it today. If it was her, and I think it was. She also ignored the earlier question I asked, asking if she preferred Windows or Mac, and what her favorite browser is. Amazing that she just magically knew it was me. But how could she hack Ask and remain undetected? Or MyOpera back when I was playing with Molly? She’s gotta have an advanced way of tracking people I don’t know about. I asked a little test question; if she preferred chocolate or caramel, so we’ll see.

Found Aly and Molly’s diaries on MD. I couldn’t help but laugh at how Aly said she liked the anonymity she has there. Little does she know! But I’ll let her keep thinking she’s anonymous, so she can “really be honest about how she feels.” There’s no real need to tell her anyway, but you know what? I’m starting to see more of the trolls in her than I used to see. Enough is never enough. It’s like she’s never satisfied with the amount of attention she gets no matter how willing one is to give it to her. But as I also learned, she likes to feel needed (is in by people like Kim and Molly). Was that it? Was I not as appealing as a friend not so much because I wasn’t as crazy, but because I wasn’t needy?

She also brought up, without mentioning my name, how I said she must have low self-esteem to want to buddy up to the likes of Kim and Molly, and wondered if there could be a grain of truth to that. She said it’s not like they’re doing anything illegal, they’re just mentally challenged. Stalking us like they have in the past isn’t illegal? Well, it is, but unfortunately the Internet doesn’t recognize this in the way they do when people stalk people in person by peeking in their windows and following them around town and things like that.

She hinted at missing me since she feels most people won’t want to read her blog wherever she blogs. A part of me misses her too, but there’s just no trust there anymore.

Later…

Yesterday marks 7 years in California and just over a decade since we left Arizona. Leaving Arizona was definitely the right thing to do, but I’m not sure California was such a wise idea mostly due to how expensive it is here. I wasn’t kidding when I said Tom made great money, but it really is rather average for this state. It is more important to us to be able to pay for the necessities than it is to save, especially after all we’ve been through. Saving is still nice, though. It’s just not as easy in this place because now we have a mortgage and car payments on top of the space rent. Once that’s paid off our expenses will then be lower than what they were in the trailer. Kind of. We do have to pay for our own electricity here.

There’s a house going for 161k in another section of the park. I guess the economy really is picking up. I just wish we could magically make all our plants and trees disappear and be replaced with white gravel or something. There are just way too many plants and trees for such a small lot. But we don’t have that kind of money (it would probably cost more than our carpet) and it’s not a high priority.

Right now we STILL have to finish the painting and get a living room set. I’d also like to do something about the kitchen’s drop ceiling. It looks hideous. I don’t know yet, though, if we’re going to replace it with acoustic tiles with recessed lighting, or just replace the flimsy opaque panels.

Anyway, I was blissfully unaware of my heartbeat yesterday and in a fine mood. I felt the most like my old self. I ended up being up for 19 hours and considered taking lorazepam, but then I finally fell asleep. I slept fairly solid for 7 hours. The first few hours of my day, however, I felt jittery, anxious, iffy stomach-wise, and a touch tired and depressed. Now I’m fine, though, and my heartbeat is under 100 where I prefer it to be unless I’m working out. I don’t know why, but there’s something scary about a racing heart. It’s not like when my earaches. When my ear aches there’s nothing scary about it. It’s annoying, frustrating and uncomfortable, but it’s not at all scary. When that ticker starts taking off on a run, though, it’s just the yuckiest feeling. Not as bad as feeling like you’re going to puke, but still bad. I can’t believe things got so bad for a while there that I didn’t want to be left alone that day. What was I the last time I was afraid to be alone, 12 years old?

So much for quitting coffee. I got some instant Suisse Mocha for when I get up. It’s so-so.

Just noticed I had a Harlingen visitor on Blogger around the same time I had one on Prosebox. The fact that they’re not showing up on TIP proves it’s from Molly’s residence, probably her mother since she appeared to be in Austin at the time, according to her blog. sighs So she’s STILL looking in on me, too? She was only in for a second as she was no doubt bounced out by the blocker, but how did she find my Prosebox account? Did Aly give her the link? It’s hard to believe she’d give her the link and not Molly. If Molly knew about it, though, wouldn’t she go there like she goes to every other blog she’s aware of?

Molly did mention going home in August. Mommy Dearest went through a handful of entries much like Molly would, which is part of why I thought it was her, spending less than a minute on most posts. She was obviously searching for something, no doubt her darling daughter’s name.

FRIDAY, JULY 25, 2014 Tom and I were laughing after I saw my primary care doc because I’m still not used to having a metabolism that actually works. When I got up I saw I was up a pound and figured it’d register on their scale when they weighed me. I don’t eat much my first couple of hours so I went straight to the appointment with nothing but coffee in me. To my surprise, I was back down a pound. I forget that these days if I don’t eat for a few hours, my body will really lose weight and not hold onto it forever, LOL.

The weekend’s almost here, though, and it’s going anywhere but down because I intend to enjoy all kinds of treats. :) Because I’m no longer in the obese range I don’t see any reason to really step up the action to losing those remaining 20 pounds. But never is a long time and so I’m not going to say I never will. Maybe I’ll be motivated to do so in the future. At least I now have that choice! :)

Getting that suture removed didn’t tickle. It was like having your hair pulled. We picked up the ointment she called in for me after seeing the counselor. We picked it up at Sam’s and decided to eat there, too. He got a hot dog and I got a couple of slices of pizza which I nearly finished that’s how famished I was by then.

Traffic was an absolute nightmare coming back from the doctor, but not too bad coming home today. Got hung up by the usual creepers, of course.

For a while, after we got home I felt so tired that I wondered if I’d actually end up taking a nap, but I didn’t. I laid down a while and then I went out riding. I realize I’m probably going faster than I thought at some point, like maybe 15 MPH. I don’t ride leisurely. I go as fast as traffic, people and the speed bumps will allow so as to get a good workout.

After my workout I drank some water at my desk for a short time, then I hit the shower. When I got out I found my heart raced up to 115 and I’m still not sure why it does that at times. I have nothing to be anxious about at the moment. I’m appointment-free for the next month! I wonder if it could still be the meds, but IDK. I just know that living with the possibility of one of these heart-pounding attacks hitting me, anxiety, meds or not, is a tough thing to live with. The thought of it makes me want to cry. It’s a truly yucky feeling and I hope this won’t be a new trend for me – these unbelievably physical, horrible, scary attacks – even if it’s only once in a while.

Had a dream I walked into Tammy's kitchen to find her struggling to clean the floor, so I quickly offered to help. I then thought to myself that I’d offer to clean her place whenever I could for $15. LOL, I’d want twice that much in real life.

Later…

After 45 days of doing surveys, I finally have the money for my next fun item, an erotic wall statue made of resin. “Rachel’s” a bit expensive, but I think she’ll be worth it and look good on the bathroom wall. My next goal, a silver toe ring with black footprints for my left foot, will take just a couple of days to earn. I love Amazon!

Lost another pound and am now down to 145 even though I’m not trying to lose weight right now and am mostly focused on achieving better peace of mind. I’m still following my usual habits – treats on the weekends, a comfy 1500 calories or so during the week. Plus I ride my bike around the park for 20 minutes most days.

I slept surprisingly horribly yesterday. I thought I’d sleep great since I don’t have to deal with alarms, appointments, deadlines and that extra stress on me, but nope. I stupidly left the volume on the sound machine a bit low and so a loud vehicle woke me up shortly after I crashed. I was just knocking back off after lying there a while when loud traffic woke me up again. So I upped the volume and threw in an earplug till the aroma of Tom’s food woke me up for good.

If there’s one thing and one thing only I could change about this park it would be to get rid of that damn road in back! Or to at least close it while I was sleeping.

I had sad dreams along the way, but I only remember one where I was in tears and said to Tom, “Doesn’t it sadden you to know we can never experience weather ever again like they have in California and Arizona, and now not even Florida?”

In real life, I couldn’t care less about Arizona, but it was like we were trapped somewhere, though I don’t know where. New England?

I discussed what happened down in Arizona with Dana so that may’ve triggered that “hopelessly stuck” dream. She asked if I was curious enough to look up whether or not my parents really did lose custody of me or if they gave me up. I told her that when I was younger I was curious, but now I don’t care. It’s done and over with, whatever really happened. I’m still guessing they lost me. It was much harder to lose your kid in the '80s since more people tended to look the other way, but after a while, things will catch up to you if you’re a shitty enough mother. It’s just too bad that while I had to pay dearly for something I never wrote (even Dana agreed the whole thing was insane even if I’d been guilty since I never did anything) my mother got away with child abuse.

On the bright side, I’ve been anxiety-free so far today and I hope it stays that way. I realize that only I can help myself with that. For me, there are no magical Gods, fairies, or angels. Just me, not that I don’t appreciate my husband and doctor’s help. Still, there’s only so much they can do. The rest is up to me. It’s like with quitting smoking. People can tell you all the time why you should quit, but only you can do the quitting.

Starting to think my Nebraska visitor isn’t Aly after all. Not unless she created a whole new account just to show up on my tracker from Prosebox which makes no sense when she could just go to Blogger. As a test, I asked her on Ask what she’s looking for in my journal but she hasn’t answered. Either way, her looking in on me, if it is her, isn’t going to kill me. I went to her blog, realizing that she probably didn’t code the entries themselves and she didn’t. No mention of me either.

I’m really surprised she and her trolls haven’t contacted me on Ask, and I’m also surprised Molly doesn’t peek in on me more often. That probably won’t change till the next time Aly dumps her.

THURSDAY, JULY 24, 2014 When I got up this morning I noticed Aly once again peeked in on my Prosebox account. But why? And why only that blog? I would think she’d want to remain hidden from my tracker no matter what blog she went to that she knew I could track, but why is she looking in on me when she told me before she didn’t read my journal because it was “better that way?” Was that a lie, too? I still can’t imagine her stalking me like Kim and Molly have, but I guess only time will tell. She shouldn’t be interested in me at all. Period. We’re done with each other, so what I have to say shouldn’t concern her any more than it should concern the other two. Just maybe she really didn’t give the others the link, though. Kim, I wouldn’t know because she likes to fly under radar, but I would think that Molly would’ve visited that blog if she had the link.

For now, I blocked Aly’s IP on Blogger and made my current Prosebox journal members only after blocking her old account there. I’m not updating my-diary right now and LiveJournal is still private.

Later…

It would be really nice if Alison could stop peeking in my Prosebox account. Just what is she looking for anyway? I made it clear that I can no longer trust her with the lies I’ve caught her in, the games she’s been a part of playing that nearly cost me a good friend, and the sites I suspect she’s hacked. She made it clear that it’s “refreshing” not to have me in her life. After all, I’m not crazy, I never told her I wished her cancer would kill her, and I don’t go around impersonating her or two-facing her at times either. Therefore, I’m not the type of person she prefers to have as a friend and she shouldn’t be interested in what’s going on in my life any more than her two online besties should be. I’m not interested in her stuff and she shouldn’t be interested in mine.

You know, the more I step back and look at Alison as a whole and not just her intelligent and creative side, I see a lot of similarities between her and the nutjobs she prefers as friends. Just like them, she is selfish and enough is never enough. No matter how much attention you give the 3 of them, they always demand more or claim to feel ignored and unsupported. What more do these people expect? Well, whatever it is, they’re not getting it from me, they’re never going to get it from me, so they might as well move on and keep their nose out of my business.

I temporarily made my Prosebox books members only and blocked her IP on Blogger, but I’m sure she’ll find a way around it. This is someone who’s a helluva lot more computer savvy than I am. If she can hack, she can change IPs or toss her cookies. She can always have others read my shit to her if need be, too.

Later…

So I met with Dana and she was very understanding. I guess they’re trained to be that way, as well as open-minded.

We managed to cover a lot of topics during the hour we spoke. I told her a little about the places I’ve lived, some current and past friends, some family members both dead and alive, being framed in Arizona by a bunch of lazy, vindictive white haters, the poverty trips that nearly killed us, and then my current health issues, including the accidental OD and anxiety attacks that followed.

We discussed my type of sleep disorder, which she’s heard of, and how offended I was to have some people call me a liar and an excuse queen that should have not only known me better than that, but what it was like to be judged themselves and how shitty it can make you feel to be accused, for example, of choosing to be ill or choosing to be gay when you know damn well that’s utter bullshit.

As we both know, though, someone is always going to be quick to judge or condemn us no matter what it is we say or do. I’m sure there are some people who would gladly call me a liar just for insisting my favorite color is pink, and others will say the only reason I didn’t do this journal entry earlier was that I was either lazy or had some deep dark psychological fear blocking me, no matter what reason I gave them for not doing it until now. But if you’re my friend you should know me better!

But what others believe isn’t what’s most important now. I’d gladly have tons of insensitive and cruel people critiquing and laughing every single day at my fears, phobias, doubts, worries and lifestyle before I had one anxiety attack a week. Even being angry was heaven compared to being anxious, fearful or depressed.

Just like I didn’t want the anger eating me up every day or to become too forgiving once again and had to work through that to improve in those areas, I now need to work on living in the moment. These days my PTSD stems more from the fear of poverty touching us to the degree that it did a few years ago, as well as all those nasty what-ifs. Not what my mother did or what the welfare bums and their corrupt ex-pig pal did. Today it’s all about fear of eventually losing the house or something really bad happening to Tom. I need to live in the present. Tom didn’t get into a car accident today that left him in the hospital or dead, so there’s no need to worry about or think of that. Our savings is low due to all the home improvements and needing a new car, but we have enough money to pay for the essentials, so there’s no need to worry about losing the house right now either.

She recommended I look up precognitive therapy online and I did. It helps refocus the mind on the here and now. Tonight. What am I going to do tonight? I’m going to wait till the temperature drops 10 more degrees and then I’m going to go out on my bike.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 23, 2014 Great news! The biopsy came back negative! No cancer, abnormal cells or growth or anything infectious bacterially or virally speaking. I do have enlarged hair follicles down there and it’s become a bit fibrosis in nature, but that’s normal for a lot of women. As a former exotic dancer, I wonder if it’s from all the years of having to shave. LOL, I told her this too, and she said it could be. Better – uhem – trim with scissors than razors.

Meanwhile, my doctor is sooo nice! Just so, so nice. Best doctor (and best looking) I’ve had in forever, but then again it’s been forever since I saw them regularly before this year. She’s very kind, patient and understanding. The kind I’d want for a friend if she weren’t my doctor. She knows writing and languages are my specialty, so I told her that if she ever needs a writer she can let me know. :)

Meanwhile, to back up a bit, I slept so long and well yesterday that I was up all night as expected. I took a Benadryl at 6am to help me sleep since I hadn’t taken anything in weeks. I began to read and then 15 minutes later my heart started galloping and that woozy feeling came over me, and I was like, oh no! I’m NOT going to take this shit now. I need to get to sleep. So I did the breathing exercises I read up on and it slowed my heartbeat down enough so I could get to sleep. Woke up a zillion times before getting up shortly before 2pm, but I’m not as tired as I was the first couple of hours. I should crash earlier tonight easily enough, then I see the counselor at 5pm, then believe it or not, that’s it till January! All I’ll have to deal with between now and then is the dentist, endo and eye docs. I don’t think I’ll reschedule the ultrasound at this point and I may cancel the hearing tests, too. Especially since we have to pay for those. I work at home. We don’t need to make sure I can hear the landscapers well enough.

The doctor said it was a good thing that I recognized the anxiety attack coming on (no doubt nervous about today’s appointment) and could get myself to relax. These attacks are a bit scary, though, because they’ve gotten more physical than I’m used to. I’ve always been an anxious type of person who doesn’t hold up well under stress when something’s going on, even if it’s not that big of a deal like today’s appointment. But this has a bit of a new twist to it. Anxiety has always upset my stomach. But this pounding heart and dizziness are more extreme than I remember it to be.

The doctor, who told me she thought I looked beautiful after I asked if I appeared that heavy, and said she often wished she was as short as me (blushes), said I was no longer obese and am now just 21 pounds overweight. I guess obesity is a BMI of 30 or higher. I think I was between 30-32. Anyway, I’m now 28 and should be 25. I’m not worried about it right now, though. If I get there, fine. In the meantime, I really like my weekend treats!

With the exception of the OD, it’s amazing how much better a tiny little pill can make you feel. A dead thyroid throws everything off. Everything. Not just your weight and metabolism. Still, it’s amazing that I can once again drink a simple little cup of coffee and not gain a pound that hangs on for dear life unlike before. A sure sign that something was wrong. After all, most days I don’t stuff myself and I do keep pretty active.

I just wish things were going as well for Tom and Tammy. Tom and I were going to grab something to eat on the way home (the downside to having a working metabolism again is that I’m hungrier during non-PMS times). However, he started feeling dizzy so we came straight home. He thinks his ear may still be clogged up so we dumped more alcohol and peroxide in it. I think we stopped those treatments too soon, which has always helped him in the past.

One of my absolute biggest fears in life is Tom suffering any serious diseases or illnesses. If one of us absolutely must suffer and must have issues, I’d rather it be me, of course. I’m sure we all feel that way when it comes down to ourselves or the ones we love. My condition isn’t “serious” as long as I take my medicine. If I stop, then yeah, it would eventually kill me. Or some other complication caused by the disease itself would.

As much as doctors are a pain in the ass, hotties or not, and as much as the co-payments add up, it’s nice to have finally gotten everything dealt with and taken care of so I won’t have to die of a coma, heart attack or stroke, and keep on wondering if I’m infected down there. I’m glad I’ve established doctors for my issues and that if anything were to go wrong, I’ve got someone I can call and we wouldn’t have to hunt for who to call and then get set up with them and all that. California’s expensive and NorCal gets cold in the winter, but if I were suddenly moving to a nice toasty warm tropical climate, I don’t know that I’d like having to give up these doctors to hunt for new ones. Well, I won’t have to cross that bridge for many years to come, if I ever do.

Tammy has, though. She’s still getting established with new doctors in Florida and is doing terribly. The heat and humidity are getting to her and she’s been nauseous and having lots of trouble breathing. She’ll be seeing a pulmonologist on Friday. Damn, I wish that girl could just quit smoking!

TUESDAY, JULY 22, 2014 Built my first practice app of a kitty that purrs when you touch its picture. It’s too bad Tom had to walk me through the tutorial, but what’s most important is that I learn as opposed to how I learn.

Andy surprised me with a VM last night letting me know he loves me. How sweet. As I told him and Tammy, that number will be no good in the fall. I’m not going to renew the MagicJack. Too many problems with it and not worth it since we have smartphones. Best phone I ever had! Meanwhile, the MJ phone, which has no actual phone, hooked up to it right now, is a convenient way to pick up messages online until it expires.

Went bike riding yesterday evening. It was my first time around the perimeters since the OD, and it was great. The temperature and lighting were perfect. There was still enough light to see well enough yet late enough to be free of traffic. I feel such a sense of freedom and so carefree when I’m flying through the park on my bike. Don’t know if I’ll go out tonight, though, since we went swimming earlier.

The pool was chilly. I miss those triple-digit temps. They’ll be back at the end of the week. We went in the Jacuzzi, then I let myself heat up in the sun and get a little more color before jumping in the pool.

Unfortunately, I slept till 2pm, so I’m hoping I’m not up too late this morning. I want to get at least 6 hours of sleep before my appointment at 4:30. I’ll be learning the results of the biopsy and finding out my options. Then I see the counselor tomorrow at 5:00. I just want all these appointments to slow down! I’d really, REALLY like a couple of weeks off.

Had a dream I was at Valleyhead again and my parents were still alive. I hate those dreams but they could be worse. Anyway, I don’t know if I had just graduated or if it was vacation time, but it occurred to me that I had to call my parents to come and pick me up. It was getting late in the day and I knew they might not be able to get me that day since they were over an hour away. I had no way to call them and so I asked some guy who had come to pick someone up if I could use his cell phone. He refused and acted as if I’d asked for 100 bucks. The dream ended with me being bummed at the thought of having to stay another day or more until I could get my parents to pick me up.

In the other dream I remember, my brother was alive again. He and Tammy were together somewhere when he called me and asked me to boost Tammy's confidence by telling her that our mother really did love her and all that. I didn’t want to lie to her, though, since our mother’s treatment of us said otherwise, and for some reason, Tom seemed highly annoyed by my not telling Tammy what Larry wanted me to tell her. In reality, of course, Tom would want me to say whatever I felt was best to say.

MONDAY, JULY 21, 2014 Alone in the night while Tom is asleep I try not to think of all those “what ifs” that could go wrong in life. It is truly depressing if I do. What if Tom were suddenly diagnosed with something terminal? What if the cops came to this door saying he’d been killed in a car accident? What if circumstances beyond our control once again force us into poverty and we lose our place? What if, what if, what if?!

Trying to switch my mind off isn’t always very easy. I don’t suppose the counselor I’ll be seeing eventually will have any magic words for me, but maybe she can suggest something I haven’t already thought of.

I’m worried about my biopsy results, though I know that logically there’s really nothing to worry about.

It isn’t so much all the health issues that are getting to me so much as all the damn appointments. I have one curable and two treatable health conditions, so it’s not like there are a dozen or more conditions I’m juggling. It’s just that I have to go to the ear doctor, then the eye doctor, then the dentist, then the GP, then the counselor, and it just never seems to end. It gives me comfort in knowing no one’s forcing me to deal with any of this shit. I can stop it anytime I want. But what good would that do me? Huh? What good would it do me?

Later…

Scheduled a late afternoon appointment on Thursday with a therapist named Dana. It’s cool how we can see pictures of doctors, dentists and therapists and other people online before we meet them so we know what they’re going to look like. Not that it matters, but she’s rather ordinary-looking. Blond, 40s, slim.

My day is just as ordinary, but ordinary can be a good thing, right? I’m going about my usual routine and once the sun sets I’ll go out on my bike.

Amazingly enough, I’m still ahead of schedule sleep-wise. It’s like it’s not rolling as fast, so we’ve noticed. Tom thinks it’s age. This is good and bad when you think about it. It’s good because it’s more stable, but bad if I suddenly have to flip my schedule for some reason.

Later…

Aly and I still have mutual friends? Really? WHAT mutual friends??? I was on Facebook when I typed in the name of someone whose name starts off similar to hers in the search area. Sometimes it’s quicker to get to a person’s wall this way, only I accidentally landed on hers. I could see old posts of mine, which she has set to friends of friends. When I logged out and peeked in through Tom’s account I couldn’t see them. I searched my friend list, but it’s showing no mutual friends at all.

It kinda sucks to know that she was probably friends with Kim and Molly on Facebook before I deleted her and they were seeing everything I posted. Everything. Including my friends’ activity. That’s probably why she always used to keep her friend list hidden. Mine is hidden too, but that’s to protect them from any potential troublemakers. I’ve also alerted them to the possibility of them coming around, though there haven’t been any problems yet, so I’m not too worried about it.

Aly may not be the most honest person, but she never struck me as the type to stalk, bully or harass others. I mean, yes, we played a few jokes on the trolls way back when, but I mean stalking to the degree the others have. She’s just not the kind to contact or follow anyone who makes it clear they want nothing to do with her. And I don’t!

So then how do we have mutual friends? I’m not a friend of any of her friends. I never will be either. They’re all batshit crazy. Perhaps the only reason I could see them is that I’m the one who posted them, after all.

SUNDAY, JULY 20, 2014 We are experiencing some super weird weather today. Had someone told me yesterday, or even this morning, that it would rain this afternoon I would have laughed. But sure enough, it’s very monsoon-ish out there now. No thunder, wind or lightning, but there were clouds and rain. Very, very unusual for this time of year.

Rode a little over a mile before the rain hit and am enjoying a quiet, relaxing Sunday with Tom.

Alison peeked in my Prosebox account a while ago. Wonder if she cursed under her breath just like I did when I last went to her Thoughts blog to find she’d rigged it with tracking, and then when I went to find out Molly had rigged hers too, when I went to try to find out when she would be home so I could be ready to block that town’s current IP. I said to myself, “Watch, now Molly will make it a point to “peek back” as soon as she gets up,” and she did.

Or maybe Alison just didn’t care. I’m not going to care anymore if they peek in on me. I haven’t done anything wrong and I’m not about to run and hide or change accounts like they love to do.

I am curious, though, as to why she peeked in on me and I’m guessing it was to give the link to the trolls. Her only way to check up on me undetected is to disable cookies and go to Blogger since LiveJournal is momentarily private and I’m not updating my-diary. It was a direct jump so I’m guessing she came in either from her own account there or from the link I gave her in an email. She may’ve been curious to see if I was mentioning her, but if she was, the tracker put a damper on that curiosity. I still think she was just getting the link for the trolls, though she wouldn’t have to click through it to copy it. It doesn’t matter. I want nothing to do with the crazy trio. Still, I’ll mention anything I observe (in private), though these observations will be them coming to me and not me going to them.

I did have a Harlingen visitor but it couldn’t have been Molly because she’s definitely still in Austin. This was a few days ago. Unless the link was given to her mother or someone else she knows there, I doubt it was her.

SATURDAY, JULY 19, 2014 I have decided for once and for all that I am going to learn computer programming so I can write apps for Android. It's going to take time and patience, but I figure that if I can learn languages and write books, I can learn to program. I'm already a bit computer savvy and I've got the best teacher in the world… Tom!

We were talking earlier and he was telling me that if he’s wrong in thinking he didn’t get one of those jobs in his department he interviewed for the other day, then that would mean half a year or so of OT, which would mean mad money for a while even if they didn’t give him a raise. Whether he gets it or not, he still doesn’t have as much time as I have and so I’ve finally decided to have him teach me how to write apps and things like that, and then I can watch some tutorials on my own. I’ve always wanted to program but shied away from it because I’m not nearly as good with numbers as I am with words. But I can learn and learn I will! The way to improve on what we’re not good at is to do it, so he gave me a little taste today on Google’s App Inventor in which you’re not coding from scratch. You use their blocks of coding to build this and that, and you can see the changes both on your monitor and your phone. It’s pretty neat.

I suppose it’s possible that the more I delve into it the more confused and frustrated I may get, and well, not everybody can do everything. But I won’t know for sure if I can or not unless I try.

Speaking of codes, I wish Prosebox supported JavaScript and not just HTML. On other sites, I track I can tell where people go and not just that they’ve visited, but on Prosebox I can’t tell where people go. That’s because JS isn’t supported there and I have to use an HTML code, which gives me limited info. I’m hoping the guy adds the kind of CSS editor that the old OD site had.

Later…

This may sound funny, but I think I’m going to give up coffee for a while. For some reason, it just doesn’t appeal to me anymore unless it’s some expensive gourmet cappuccino or something like Starbucks that’s riddled with sugar and calories. There’s always hot chocolate and tea, though it’s a bit warm for any hot beverages of any kind right now.

A few people have asked if I think I know what caused the anxiety attacks I recently had. I know what caused them. They were triggered by my accidentally ODing and by all the appointments I’ve got that never seem to slow down. The ODing was very scary and I just felt overwhelmed with all the health stuff. All pills seemed evil to me for a while there. Even Ibuprofen suddenly seemed evil. I was afraid to take anything for a few days because the incident put a bit of a complex on me. Strangely enough, though, since they did the biopsy I’ve had a lot less itching.

I’m doing much better now, though, and am finding a balance between how much attention and effort I put into dealing with things. It’s one of those cases where you don’t want to avoid dealing with your problems, be it medical issues, anxiety, etc., but you don’t want to dwell on them either. If we focus too much on what’s wrong, we’ll never enjoy what’s right in our lives.

I made up my mind as far as whether or not to reach out to Aly and her crazy friends on Ask after going back and forth and back and forth. Do I consider the good in her and contact her? I asked myself, or do I consider the bad and the potential trouble that could come from the other two and stay away?

I asked Tom his opinion and his was to stay away. Not so much because of what they’ve done wrong, but because I told them to stay away from me. Therefore, it would be wrong of me to go to them after I told them for years to stay away from me. Really, I literally worked for years trying to get them to leave me alone. It took years to get them off my ass. So do I really want them back on it, fair of me or not? I definitely don’t! It seems only inevitable too, that the shit would eventually hit the fan with them again. You just can’t reject people like Kim and Molly without being stalked, pestered, followed and harassed, and it doesn’t go on for weeks or even just months. It goes on for years. No thanks!

Later…

Had a series of dreams last night that was both strange and sad. In one dream we gave 8 baby rats to a place like Goodwill.

In another, we were at a movie theater, a place we’ve had absolutely no desire to visit what with Netflix, Amazon and all the stuff you can watch right in the comfort of home. Never cared for movie theaters. If someone isn’t talking and distracting you, you still can’t pause the movie when you have to pee nor can you rewind a certain part you want to see again.

Anyway, the theater was showing two movies. Tom and I waited in the lobby when this woman came in with her 5 screaming brats. I hoped they weren’t going to be watching the movie we were going to watch. Then another woman starts screaming at her for being rude enough to not only bring her brood but to allow them to carry on like such animals.

As the woman was running scared with her kids and the woman going off on her was being ushered out, Tom pulled a pistol from his pocket and I asked him what he was doing with it. “We’re 75 now. We need this,” he said.

LOL, not that we could ever both be 75 at the same time. He wasn’t the only one packing a piece in my dreams, though.

The sad dream was that I moved into a ground-floor apartment with two bedrooms all by myself. Tammy stayed in the spare bedroom my first night there. Maybe it was in Florida? I don’t know where Tom was or how the rent was being paid but as I lay in bed that night I was very depressed and very annoyed at all the sounds I could hear around me within the building. I heard it all. Every fart, hiccup, cough, sneeze and word uttered.

I got up to use the bathroom and ran into Tammy who gave me a comforting hug and promised to keep me safe. I told her that if she ever needed a place she was welcome to have the other bedroom since I doubted I’d ever have a roommate.

“Don’t worry,” my sister said, “I’ve got you covered. Here, watch this.”

Tammy then pulled a pistol out of her robe pocket and fired at the ceiling where it met the wall.

“Don’t do that!” I said. “What if you shot out their water pipes upstairs or something?”

Tammy just shrugged, laughed and said, “Well, if I did… tough.”

FRIDAY, JULY 18, 2014 Keeping busy and feeling great. :) I circled the block on my bike 5 times in 9 minutes, which totals 1 mile. I still wanted to keep close to home in case I started feeling funny. Also, it was pretty hot out and I don’t need to burn myself anymore either. In a few days, I should be able to stay up late enough to ride around the park perimeters.

Got my online work done, the laundry done, and the grocery list made up, and tomorrow we’ll change the rats’ cage and hit the pool.

I’m just $15 away from my next fun purchase goal, which I would’ve reached a week ago had I not had such a rough time. I can get that in just a couple of days at the very most, so I’m not worried about it.

Those little girls came screaming by at 8pm and then at 9pm last night with mommy and grandma’s mutt. I’m almost positive they do live here and I realized that if their mother is a caretaker (caretakers can live here no matter what their age), then of course her kids could live here, too. Most moms are single these days so it’s easier for them to have such jobs where they live with the person they work for. This would also explain why no one’s complained. I kept wondering how the hell come no one immediately around them put two and two together when I’d already done so from several houses away.

I’m just glad they’re on the other side of the circle. Screaming kids are like nails running down a chalkboard. Very annoying and distracting. After all, one of the reasons I came here was to keep away from that sort of thing. Makes me realize I’m no longer as cursed as I used to be in the noisy neighbor department because it would’ve been just my shit luck to get next to or across from them. But we didn’t!

Gonna take it easy for the rest of the night and just listen to music, read, enter some sweeps, and maybe even watch a movie.

THURSDAY, JULY 17, 2014 I still have moments where I consider reaching out to Aly. I could email her and I could probably find her latest Ask account through the trolls before it too, is deleted.

But then I remember the lies and the possible drama that could come out of it if I did. I just don’t know what to do at times. Wait and see if she contacts me? I wouldn’t mind playing the 20 Questions game with her and maybe even the others if I knew no craziness and drama could come from it. Could Aly be honest? Could Kim be just Kim? Could Molly not make a million demands?

I don’t know what to do like I said. I miss Aly’s goodness, but don’t want to end up regretting anything. If I followed my heart, I’d consider joining in the fun. If I followed my head, I’d stay away. I have other friends who have caused me a helluva lot less grief and I know I should focus on them. Aly hasn’t caused me nearly as much grief as the others, but when one is connected to ticking time bombs, it’s not always good to get too close in case those bombs actually do explode. People change, though, so maybe the bombs have been diffused a bit over time.

Later…

Part of me kind of regrets removing old journals from Blogger. Maybe I’ll replace them some other time.

Today was the best for me since last week’s catastrophe. Tom picked up the lorazepam after work. Really, REALLY wish I’d had it a week ago! It says to take it every 12 hours as needed, but hopefully, it will be so long before I feel such intense anxiety that the stuff will be old and expired. Then again, I hope I never feel that again. It was awful and it made everything else seem awful, too. I was suddenly hyper-aware of every single ache and pain I felt. Things I would normally ignore were suddenly a big deal and the little things in life seemed even smaller.

The nurse that took me into the exam room said she too, has had anxiety, and that it’s actually pretty common. I described the symptoms – heart beating hard and fast, dizziness like you’re going to pass out, shortness of breath, upset stomach… She’s experienced it all as well and agrees it’s frustrating cuz you can’t control it. It’s a little easier to get it to back off than it is to prevent it altogether. Fortunately, though, I spent more time worrying that I’d get hit with an attack today than getting anything, though I didn’t actually worry that much. Not now that the appointment is over and I discussed things with the doctor and all that.

Meanwhile, I called one of the counselors on the list and left a message. She returned my call saying she didn’t accept my insurance plan. Then why was she on the list they gave me?

My heartbeat sped up to 127 last night after listening to loud music through headphones, but it quickly settled down and I didn’t have any other symptoms with it. Loud music does elevate the heart.

Did some ab exercises earlier and went around the block a few times on my bike. I’m gradually working back up into my usual fitness routine. It may be a few more days before I make it around the whole park. I don’t want to elevate my heart too much right now because it’s been beyond elevated for nearly a week. It needs some calm time.

Not much else going on. I won a stupid soccer ball and Nane kidnapped me in this dream I had where I went to visit her. She liked my company so much that she wouldn’t let me leave, LOL.

Oh, and I reactivated my old Ask account just to see what comes in, if anything, after all this time.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 16, 2014 I’m exhausted right now so I’m just going to say that the biopsy is done! I only felt a bit of a sting as the needle went in, then they took a sample of the little bumps or zit-like things, then they put a stitch in me, which needs to be removed next week. Had I known I'd need stitches down there I'd have ended up in the ER for damn sure!

Meanwhile, she thinks I've been having severe anxiety due to the trauma of accidentally ODing and that it's unlikely that my thyroid meds would affect me with such intensity after all these months. What happened a few years ago also gave me a case of PTSD, then there's the ADHD and the torturous week I’ve had, so she's sending me to a counselor and prescribing me lorazepam to take up to 2 times a day as needed. Next week I should know the results of the biopsy. I just wish all these appointments would slow down!

I assured her when she asked if I felt like hurting myself that I wasn't suicidal. I was in the past, but not now. Now I just want to feel better. Having the biopsy out of the way and knowing for sure it is anxiety and not just thinking it is, helps too, but I still have a lot of health issues to deal with. I miss the old healthy me who didn't take meds, even if she's always had some of these issues.

Apparently, some of it is Nane's fault. Haha, you'll LOVE this one, as I told Nane. I told the doctor that I wasn't sure at first if it was anxiety because sometimes it would creep up on me when nothing bad was on my mind. Then I told her I got all excited to get a special friend’s postcard when it hit me, and she said that getting excited could aggravate it. So Nane made my day AND gave me an anxiety attack! Frau Regenbogen could understand everything she wrote in German even if it was brief! Sorry, can't read the Greek, though, LOL. She said it just said, “Greetings from Greece.”

Anyway, I practically broke down in tears and told the doctor what happened. Instead of cutting me off and telling me to make another appointment to discuss it, she was very patient and compassionate. So was Maria, who came in to confer with the doctor over my problem downstairs.

I’ll write more details tomorrow. Right now I’m just beat. I just want to get into bed with the Kindle and relax till I crash.

TUESDAY, JULY 15, 2014 Funny how I get an alert every now and then from Yahoo! saying they got a login from an unrecognized browser. Really? Well, if it’s not just a glitch on their part, instead of creating a second sign-in I’ll just let them do it again and incriminate themselves. Chances are it’s just them fucking up. If it were hacked the alert probably would’ve given me the location. Gmail did when someone in Malaysia once hacked one of my old Google accounts. Besides, I never use this account. It only exists so I can use Flickr. If it were someone interested in my emails, that one wouldn’t be the one to check.

Did some cleaning and some online work. My anxiety’s picking up a bit with tomorrow’s biopsy looming over my head.

It’s much cooler today and even a bit cloudy. This is better for laying out at the pool, though I prefer to swim more than lie on the lounge chairs. Even if I had a deep dark tan right now, it’s not going to last forever anyway. Winter’s going to come and it’s going to fade.

Had a series of senseless dreams that consisted of bits and pieces of this and that. Something about Hawaii. Then a van that the cops and reporters decided wasn’t the type a serial killer that was on the loose was thought to have been using. Next thing I know I’m in that van that was parked in an empty parking lot by the building. A man knocked on the window opposite me and my first thought was, “It’s the killer! Run!” I took off running around a brick building that was 2 or 3 stories.

Then I walked through a long house I knew was ours. I painted a door green and the kitchen walls deep aqua. I decided it didn’t go well with the black countertops. In what I’m guessing was the neighborhood where this house was, Andy and I were walking when we came upon a shabby section where houses were rundown and welfare bums and gang bangers stood clustered outdoors. A couple of guys suddenly got into a fistfight and I was afraid one of the guys would be shoved into me as I walked by since it happened so fast and I was caught off guard.

I realized I was so busy working in this store that sold decorative items, in the last dream, that I didn’t have time to pick up messages. A woman asked me to order a flag for her with a cat, but she wanted a realistic cat and not a cartoonish cat.

MONDAY, JULY 14, 2014 Just a quick entry before Tom gets home in half an hour. I’ve felt pretty good today, though my number twos still seem a bit extreme at times and I haven’t been able to muster up enough guts to take the pill while alone just yet. I just do NOT want to deal with any yucky side effects if there’s a chance some of my anxiousness could be from that and not just due to being freaked out by what happened last week. So when he gets in I’ll take it and we’ll see if I get jittery and if my heart races and all that fun stuff.

Unless anything’s changed, we’re going to the pool later on. It’s over 100° out there, so it’s perfect for swimming.

He and I went to Sam’s yesterday and got free cleaning shammies after watching a presentation on Ibiz cleaning products. We stupidly spent $50 for 3 bottles of the stuff and fortunately for us, we’ve got 3 months to return it. I just don’t think it’s all that miraculous. Nothing I use – even this – will get rid of that damn white film that builds up from calcium and water spots on the shower doors. Nothing. I’ve tried every type of cleaner I can think of but it’s still there. But they’re just shower doors in the bathroom, so it’s no big deal. We will probably replace them someday since they are over 30 years old now, but it’s not a high priority.

We did a quick Zumba video together and it was ok, though I still prefer bike riding.

After having a night to “sleep on it,” as the saying goes, I still feel that ignoring Aly and the loonies she’s associated with is the best thing to do. Not to dehumanize her or anything like that, but we never actually met face to face, so that changes things a bit. It’s a bit different than when you let someone go that you actually knew in person.

Later…

I’d say there’s a good chance Aly did read my last rant about her, another lie since she said she didn’t read my blog because “it’s better that way.” The reason I say this is because she tweeted “There's so many ways I could handle this but I know I made the right choice and I’m proud of myself.”

I figured she’d see it. If I can’t stay away from peeking in on her (not that I regret dumping her), why should she be able to keep away from me? The only difference is that I’m not like Kathy. I don’t harass the people I dump. I look in on them here and there, but that’s it.

She also said some things in her blog that suggest she read my entry, or someone read it and told her about it. Then again, maybe the tweet was in reference to the trolls. She hasn’t answered any questions yet on Ask today, and until and if she does, I can’t be 100% sure that tweet was in reference to me. But I’m in the 90s.

Anyway, although she admits in her blog she’s not perfect, that tweet just keeps on reinforcing my decision. She’s turning it around and making it look like I’m the one that burned her and she’s the one that dumped me. That’s called denial. Even if she could admit she lied and take responsibility for it, it’s too late. I’ve caught her in too many lies. They may be small ones, but they have a way of adding up.

Later…

Tom got in 15 minutes late and then I took my pill without incident. After he ate we went to the pool. It is super hot and dry out there today! Very Arizona-ish. No one was at the pool. The park is like a ghost town. No one even wants to sit outside in these temps of 105°. I’d probably die of a heat stroke riding my bike in it, but swimming is fine as long as you stay in the water. We weren’t even there for 15 minutes and we got color.

I’m so happy for Tammy and Mark! They got an offer on their house close to what they were asking for, and after two months of being alone, Mark can now finally join Tammy and begin their lives in their new state.

SUNDAY, JULY 13, 2014 I’m thrilled to say I haven’t had a shred of anxiety since yesterday afternoon. Words can’t express how immensely relieved I am to get back to myself. It almost felt like life as I knew it was over and like I’d never get back to normal. Those 4 days of hell (God I hate that number with all the evil that seems to be associated with it) were just awful. I’d rather the bees come back and torment me. That was a different kind of scary. One where it’s scary but you know your life isn’t in danger. With the accidental OD, I just didn’t know what to expect.

I’m still going to mention the ADHD and anxiety to the doctor, though she may already know about the ADHD, and she does know I’ve had PTS before. It would be nice to have not a psych pill that you take daily, but for something when you’re going through super traumatic/stressful events. They gave me Xanax at the dentist after that county quack put a complex on me by making pulling that back molar a nightmare and a half. But I got over the dental block and now I’m getting over the levothyroxine block. I took the pill this morning and did the breathing techniques I read about online to help keep me calm and haven’t had any problems since I took it over 3 hours ago. This makes me think Tom was probably right and it was all anxiety I was suffering and not side effects.

I’m still just a little fatigued since I’m still not eating as much being that it was such a truly traumatic ordeal it really took a lot out of me. Sometimes it takes a few days to spring back. They listed more symptoms I’ve had than they did for levothyroxine side effects and symptoms of an impending heart attack. Even the neck pain was listed.

So anyway, I read up on anxiety and how it can come on either consciously or subconsciously, but you can’t necessarily will it not to come on. Still, I chanted to myself over and over again, “I will NOT be anxious, I will NOT be anxious.” I feel like a bit of a wimp, but I also know it isn’t my fault and that people don’t ask for shit like this. Makes me feel like an idiot when I’d tell anxious people to “just not worry about it.” If it were that simple no one would have anxiety or panic attacks.

Aly put a smile on my face when she responded to my telling her on Ask last night that I was sorry she was having it rough. She had been wondering how I was doing and said she hadn’t read my blog cuz it’s easier that way, but knows the frustration of having conditions you can only treat but not cure.

Later…

As I’ve mentioned before, I had my moments where I questioned if my dumping Alison was the right thing to do, and yes, I will use her first name. First names are harmless, and she claims she no longer reads my blog anyway. During a moment of boredom, I Googled her Twitter and Ask username, suspecting she created a Thoughts blog with that name and she did. I couldn’t read it all because that site is notoriously fucked up. It’s why I won’t blog there. There are always, always glitches, login issues, etc.

What influenced my final decision to let go for good and helped confirm that walking away is in fact doing the right thing was basically how she won’t take responsibility for lying to me. She basically blames me and says “It's refreshing not to be friends with someone who takes even the slightest thing and makes a big deal out of it.”

Lying’s no big deal? Come on! Who the hell does she think she’s kidding? Then it’s on and on about how alienated and ignored she supposedly feels and how much that hurts yet I have done nothing but reach out to her and wait days, sometimes weeks, to hear back from her. One can only do so much, and well, what more did she want me (and others) to do?

Then she said, “Yeah, I do miss your creativity and your honesty, but I will never miss…you know what? I'm not going to finish that statement. I don't like thinking badly of people, even when I have every reason to. Perhaps it's our ages and life experiences that made things end the way they did.”

Wrong, Aly. They turned out the way they did because you LIED to me. Get it? You lied. L-I-E-D. Again, it isn’t that I have a problem with her deciding who she wants to be friends with; it’s that she lied about it. So if she has a problem with me having a problem with her lying to me when I asked if she’d heard from the trolls, then I’ll find it just as refreshing not to be her friend. You lie, you lose people. Period. So if she wants to be “hurt” over being ignored, maybe she’ll think about why she’s ignored, and then maybe she’ll stop bullshitting the ones that do keep in touch with her and that wait weeks to hear back from her.

I know the crazier a person is the more she’s drawn to them and the more she wants to keep in touch with them, and while I may not be perfect, I don’t have the types of mental health issues Kim and Molly have to make me all that appealing to someone like her. She obviously prefers them unstable, and that’s fine. That’s her right. But I DO see lying as a big deal. This wasn’t like when you ask someone how they are and they say “fine” when they’re really not quite all that fine.

That really pissed me off when she told me she couldn’t think of an answer that was less than bitchy when I first contacted her on Ask, acting as if I were the bad one and I was the one that lied. What the fuck did she expect? I couldn’t believe it when I saw that. I was like, “Whoa, you want to be bitchy when you’re the one that lied?” I’ve been there for her, I’ve been honest, I’ve waited on her while she had her fun keeping in regular contact with the crazies… well, no more!

If she thinks I’m such a bitch for calling her out on her lies, wait till Molly takes a shit fit on her for not answering her texts in just 5 minutes, and wait till Kim dumps her for calling her out on one of her impersonation games or something like that. If she wants to go round and round with the same old cycle of shit, she can go right ahead. Me? I’d rather remove myself from such toxic, juvenile crap.

So if she finds it more “refreshing” to not be friends with one who calls her out on her own lies vs. one who wishes her cancer will kill her, so be it.

Do I think she’s fed the others info about me? Probably not, though at this point I don’t care if she did. Do I think she’s hacked sites on her own time? I don’t know. Do I hate her? Definitely not. But I don’t do liars, no matter how big or small the lie may be. A lie is a lie. Period. And if you can lie about one thing, you can lie about other things. I also don’t want to get swept up in any potential drama from the crazies she loves so much. The connection to them is simply too close if I remain friends with her, which is no doubt why she lied to me about patching things up with them again. Everyone I’ve ever met through her has been crazy. Just batshit fucking crazy. These people are always dumping and creating new accounts too, like they’re running from something. I’m sure they’re up to no good and I don’t want to get involved.

Well, they can all have each other. I’ll miss her good points, but the trust is gone. When you can’t even admit your mistakes and you blame the person you lied to by making it as if they’re the ones who did wrong, I want nothing to do with you. Even if she took responsibility and apologized to me right now, how could I be sure she wouldn’t lie in the future? I couldn’t, so she can rest assured that I won’t be looking in on her blog anymore or any other account of hers like Ask or Twitter. We’re done. Period.

Later…

Sometimes I wish Andy worked outside of the house for 8 hours and slept 8 hours most nights too, so I wouldn’t feel obligated to play the Ask game as much with him, but it seems very few people are like Tom. They may sleep around 8 hours or so but so many people are home so much of the time. It’s amazing that the average household income is 50k these days. But how? How are they getting the money if they’re always home? Either way, Andy did get two new clients recently so maybe that’ll keep him busier.

I saw a horrifying video the day I OD’d which Becky, a VH sister shared. She shouldn’t have, and I hate that these things are allowed online for anyone to see. I’m so sorry I saw it. The images will be forever ingrained in my brain. Maybe that also fed my anxiety. IDK, but I do know that Muslims are sicker than sick. Their game is to force Christians to convert to Muslims and then behead them.

I can’t imagine the utter terror of knowing I was about to get my head cut off! Ugh!!! How was the guy who was about to die able to even speak when they forced him to repeat after them (those in charge of this barbaric and sadistic execution) when “converting” him? I’d have passed out with utter fear. Yet he knelt down and spoke steadily enough in Arabic (there were English captions and as they killed him they chanted “There is only one God!). If I knew I was going to be murdered simply for what I believed, I’d be less than cooperative. They probably threatened his family if he didn’t comply.

Anyway, it was disgusting. It was sick. It was INHUMANE. Muslims aren’t human, they’re animals. Nothing but sick, twisted and positively insane animals. I don’t understand how this can be legal anywhere. You think this shit happened hundreds of years ago, but that’s wrong. It’s happening right now in 2014. How can another person’s beliefs drive someone to such gruesome insanity? Regardless of why the Muzzie decapitated the guy’s head, how could they have the stomach to do it and how could they sleep at night without nightmares, guilt or remorse of any kind? I just don’t get that. I know doctors open people up and operate on their guts, but this was no operation to help someone during which they were rendered unconscious. This was an animal disguised as a human that inflicted an unimaginable amount of pain and terror on a fully conscious human being.

And all because of what he believed.

SATURDAY, JULY 12, 2014 I’m still not sure what to do where Aly is concerned. First I thought of how she said she couldn’t come up with an answer to my question on Ask that wasn’t at least slightly bitchy, and was like, WTF? You lie to me and then you think you could only give me a bitchy answer as if I were the bad guy? Screw that!

Then I think it’s pointless to be all pissed off about such petty stuff since there was so much more good in her than bad. I honestly don’t know what to do at this point. I just don’t. I think that for now, I have enough on my plate. I still feel kinda crappy at times and I have that and my upcoming appointments to deal with. And like I said before, I’ll miss her at times but I don’t want to get caught up in any drama she’s connected to. I wish her the best, including with the upcoming job hunt which I guess may be part of why she’s buddied up with past trouble; to keep them from badmouthing her in a way Google would take note of. Whatever, though. I mean that’s for her to worry about and not me. For now, I won’t say I’ll never ever talk to her again because never is a long time. Maybe someday when I���m feeling better for longer than half a day. I know I told her not to contact me, but truthfully, I don’t care if she reaches out to me or not. I won’t ignore her or anything like that. Right now I’m just really worried about my health. I’m not in the proper frame of mind to deal with other things right now.

I’m still having waves of what Tom is pretty sure is anxiety. I talked to Tammy and they both think it’s connected to anxiety, but Tammy also thinks the levothyroxine could have a part in it. However, Tom doesn’t think it’d be likely for me to get side effects this late in the game but admits he’s no expert and can’t know for sure. He’s leaning toward anxiety alone because of the traumatic experience I went through, my upcoming appointments playing on my mind, plus the fact that I’ve pretty much always been an anxious person.

It really does suck. I’ll feel like I’m jittery or like my heart’s racing even though I can hold my hands steady and my heartbeat isn’t that high, and then I’ll feel sort of lightheaded and have to run and go poo-poo.

Tammy was once on Xanax for anxiety where she was jittery, couldn’t sleep, and couldn’t turn her mind off. She thinks that even if I’m feeling better when I see the doctor on Wednesday, I should still address the ADHD/anxiety and see what I can take for it. After what the Navane did to me and how dependent I got upon it, I hate to turn to any drugs to cope, but I realize things have changed since the 80s, and this is no way to live. It’s a horrible, miserable feeling. I’d take a whole damn pharmacy of pills if it’ll make me feel better.

So what do I think? Anxiety is probably for sure, but I don’t know about the levothyroxine at this point. The symptoms are right on, but again, many different conditions/problems can have the same set of symptoms.

I just want to feel like my old self again! This is scary, frustrating and even a bit depressing. Worst I’ve felt since moving here. I want the happier me back whose biggest worry was listening to those annoying landscaping sounds or having PMS. I try to take Tom and Tammy's advice and remind myself that nothing I’m going through is life-threatening, and there’s no sense in worrying about things I can’t control like when I get stressed out over what-ifs. What if Tom gets killed in a car accident? What if we go broke again? All those what-ifs and the thought of growing old, us having no one to help us, dying… I’m trying to put it all out of my mind but it’s sometimes easier said than done.

In happier news, I got a huge stuffed realistic Saint Bernard at the Goodwill store today and Tom got this remote-controlled robot that he wants to program to do different things with. He loves doing things like that. The dog is so huge I spotted it from the other end of the store. At first I thought it was a border collie but nope.

I also won him a T-shirt. That’s better than nothing, but I miss winning big!

And now I feel just fine again. It comes and it goes, comes and goes.

FRIDAY, JULY 11, 2014 I’m now the best I’ve been since the accidental OD, but last night got a little scary. Earlier, I was doing a paid survey around lunchtime when my heart started racing and I got that jittery feeling, but fortunately that didn’t even last a minute. When Tom got in I felt even better. By 6pm I noticed I’d been up nearly 16 hours (16-18 is normal for me) and so I got into bed and read for a while. That’s when the trouble began, and as much as I may feel like an idiot and a bit of a wimp, I’m glad to say that it was almost certainly an anxiety attack and nothing else. But I didn’t know this at the time. I ended up being up for 22 hours and was questioning every ache, cramp and pain I felt. Many diseases can have the same set of symptoms. I had pains in my neck, my chest, and an upset stomach. These can not only be leftover effects from the double dose, but they can also be anxiety or signs of an impending heart attack.

My fear and frustration were so great that I woke Tom up. I felt horrible. He felt confident it wasn’t my heart and admitted that while I may have problems in the future, the recent cardiogram didn’t show any signs of trouble, and knowing me, I was likely having a panic attack due to my fear of what may happen when taking the Levo again. Feeling physically drained and in a state of panic also made me feel depressed, hopeless and helpless. It worst night I’ve had since being here, even though Tom reminded me that people deal with insomnia all the time, I’d be ok, nothing bad would happen when I next took my medication, etc. Still, I was a basket case. I tossed and turned in bed, my mind raced, my heart raced, I felt short of breath, I had bouts of crying, and it was just like OMFG! This is NOT like me. Of course Tom had to laugh later on and say, “Yes it is. Nothing’s ever just a little bad for you. It’s a horrible, huge kind of bad,” not that he doesn’t understand how truly terrifying the OD effects were on me, and agrees anyone would be scared.

When I was in tears I was saying how wonderful our lives had been for years until all these health problems came to ruin it, and he hugged me and assured me it was just two minor issues that millions of people have. When I’m calm I can totally agree with him, although there are many other nuisances I have to deal with along with the thyroid and cholesterol – my ear, eyes, teeth, female stuff – and this can really add up and seem overwhelming when you’re feeling shitty. Little things seem like big things when you’re either upset, sick or both.

So after a truly torturous night of realizing I was almost as stressed out as I’d sometimes be back in the trailer (really, I don’t know what’s worse at times, financial or health problems), I fell asleep, and as Tom suggested, managed to fight the urge to take something to help me sleep like a melatonin or a Benadryl. I was surprised to sleep just 6 hours and not 10, but as he pointed out, taking stuff was probably what was messing my sleep up. Had I taken something I probably would’ve woken up more often along the way (I only awoke once during the night), and I would’ve slept longer. This way I got just the amount of sleep my body needed.

So it was 6:30, Tom was already up, and I felt tired. Worse, my heart was racing in anticipation of taking that dreaded levothyroxine, but I knew sooner or later I needed to take it. I will cover that in my next post, but obviously, it didn’t kill me since I’m able to type this one. :)

Later…

Due to the combination of me being sick and so on edge, Tom stayed home from work. He has tons of vacation time but I still feel a touch guilty even though he assures me it’s fine. Yeah, but the company barbecue was today and he could’ve won something nice in the raffles they’re having, but… shrugs what’s done is done. It was just not a good day for me to be left alone. I knew that the only thing that would make me feel better was to let enough time pass so that the effects of the OD could wear off, and seeing that I could take my meds again without something horrible happening, and I wasn’t about to do that alone. I am not only grateful as hell to him for being so caring but that he has such great benefits at work, especially when it comes to time off. It’s a lot like they have in Europe. I was also glad for once that I didn’t have an outside job. Despite all that’s gone on I haven’t missed much work since I can work at home.

Tom was telling me about his oldest brother Raymond (now dead) who was in the roofing business. He fell off a building something like 40 feet and damaged his neurological system. He also broke some bones, and one of his feet was so damaged the bones were basically like powder. They made a mold the same size as his foot to replace them with. Well, one day his heartbeat reached 200 and a doctor and a nurse each injected a medication into one of his arms (I don’t know the name of it) at the same time. This slowed his heart down to normal in seconds. Now THAT must have been utterly terrifying!

Anyway, I got up, relieved to find him home and glad I wouldn’t have to finish my recovery alone. I knew that by Monday when he returned to work I’d either be completely over what happened, or something was seriously wrong with me and I’d end up in the hospital.

My oxygen level was good when I got up, but my heartbeat was 135 and I felt both tired and nervous. He reminded me that it’s normal for our heartbeats to be elevated upon waking up as the adrenaline shoots through the body to get everything going again.

Since my stomach was empty which is how it’s supposed to be when taking Levo, I took it and hoped for the best, all the while he sat with me and assured me that I was taking something natural to the body and simply replacing what my body stopped producing on its own. Passing the 10-minute marker without incident (which is about when I had the bad reaction after stupidly taking a second pill) had me relieved as hell. My heartbeat dropped to 85 and I practically felt like a whole new person. So yeah, I did definitely OD, and yeah, I was experiencing anxiety last night, worried about a freak chance of it being an allergic reaction I had, even though that’s almost impossible.

I had no idea I was doing this shit in my sleep, reaching for pills to place on the shelf and all that. It reminded me of this notebook I used to keep by my bed in the other place to record dreams upon waking me up. A few times I awoke to find the notebook on the floor and pages torn from it and strewn about the bedroom floor. I was like, WTF? Well, I’ve never been known to sleepwalk, but from now on no more pills but the usual over-the-counter stuff that’s always been there will be on the headboard shelf.

I had a peach yogurt, perked up fast, and then enjoyed a little retail therapy at Walmart. Those simple pleasures in life suddenly seemed divine and I splurged on tons of new wax melts for my warmer so I’d have plenty of variety. The only ones I wish I had were patchouli and something with grape and lavender. I can find those on Amazon no doubt. What I have here will last me a year! It’s a great alternative to candles and incense. It’s even better than plug-ins and sprays because those don’t have such a huge variety or last as long. You also get so much less for so much more money that way.

Anyway, it’s just so great to be feeling so much better. I’m really starting to feel like my old self and I even did some ab exercises earlier. Tomorrow if I don’t get back on my bike I will at least hit the pool. We’ll see how Tom’s ear feels. One of his ears is blocked with wax and we’re pouring a mix of alcohol and peroxide in it to help it. He’s had this before and this remedy has always worked. It just takes some time.

In recent dreams, I was at a reunion with my Valleyhead sisters. We all hugged each other at one point and I said, “Ich liebe meine Schwestern” (I love my sisters).

Then my bike was in the living room in another dream and it turned into a motorcycle as I was walking it out the front door.

For scented wax cubes I got:

Brownie Pecan Pie

Butterscotch Maple Cream

Buttery Shortbread

Calypso Sands

Chai Tea

Cherry Berry

Coffee Cake Swirl

Cucumber Melon

Cupcake

Fresh Air

Ginger Peach

Ice Raspberry Sangria

Illusion

Kiwi Watermelon

Mountain Twilight

Orchid Paradise

Papagayo Beach

Perfect Summer Day

Pure White Woods

Sugared Pecans

Sweet Pea

Tea Thyme

Tropical Plumeria Petals

Tropical Fiesta

Vanilla Caramel Spice

Vanilla Woods

Vintage Lace

Warm Apple Pie

White Suede Driftwood

Wild Berry Cheesecake

Wild Blueberry Pie

Wild Woodland Blooms

Later…

Last night I had a soft-hearted moment of sorts and let Aly know that while I was pissed, it was hard to stay mad at her forever. She knows how I feel. She can be friends with whoever she wants and go through as much shit as she wants with people. It’s her life. But I don’t trust her the way I once did because I have no way to know for sure what info she’s divulged or anything else she may’ve done that involved me. I still think overall she’s as good of a person as she is smart. But we can’t truly know someone, especially if we never met them.

Instead of answering the message on Ask, she did so on Twitter. Not sure why, but that’s ok. I deactivated that particular Ask account again because I so rarely use it.

She let me know she misses me too, and I realized that sometimes it’s best to just miss someone than to take risks where they’re concerned.

Planter’s salted caramel peanuts are to die for, so I learned today when I spotted them at the store. I usually don’t like salty foods, but these are like wow!

Also, the Vintage Lace is the best of the wax melts. Reminds me of White Shoulders perfume and that old Bump & Grind incense I used to get.

THURSDAY, JULY 10, 2014 Feeling better after yesterday’s scare from hell on our 1-year anniversary in this house, but still a bit shaken up emotionally. It’s a bit hard to focus.

Just to clarify things, I didn’t go to the hospital yesterday. The paramedics took my BP and hooked my heart up to a cardiogram to be sure no signs of a heart attack were present. We also have one of those finger monitors that tells you what your oxygen and pulse are and even when I felt a bit breathy I was still at 99% oxygen. My heart was a little over 100 and now it’s down in the 80s. I naturally have a rapid heartbeat, but over 100 is a bit much unless I’m doing something strenuous.

A horrible thought hit me and that’s that there’s the slim possibility I didn’t double dose myself and the first pill I took was actually a melatonin, but I don’t think so. Gosh, I hope that wasn’t the case! If it is then that would mean I had a serious allergic reaction all of a sudden to the Levo and it will happen again. Tom doesn’t think it will, though, and he thinks I did indeed accidentally go double-dosing.

I felt awful all day yesterday but when Tom got home that calmed my nerves quite a bit. I am so grateful for him. I’d be lost without him. Some things you just want to be left alone to deal with, but this wasn’t one of them. This wasn’t a simple cold or anything like that that was familiar to me and that I knew was totally harmless. He felt bad he wasn’t home when the nightmare happened. The whole thing not only made the little things in life seem like nothing, but it made me realize I could never live without him. Makes me wonder how I survived those pre-Tom years alone! I was young and healthy then, though I did smoke and had some scary asthma attacks. Life was harder but simpler then, especially when it came to dealing with doctors. Now so many things are so complicated and while I may be better at languages and writing than he is, he’s much smarter with other things that are hard for me to figure out and deal with. While I still hate my mother and make no excuses for the things she did when she was alive, I can see where she wouldn’t have wanted to take her medication in the end after dad died, and why she just let herself wither away.

I almost wished they had given me a shot of anti-anxiety medication and sent a counselor to hang out with me till Tom got in, that's how bad my stress was. Sometimes the fear and stress that goes with the actual physical problem can be just as bad, if not worse. One minute I'd be thinking I might be feeling better, the next I’d just want to cry. I have lived with constant everyday fear of dying and it's getting old. The older I get the more fearful of this I become, especially after what happened in 2007 and 2011. I've become such a worrywart. I fear us growing old and dying alone. I'd hate to be the one to go first and leave him all alone, yet I'd hate to see him die and be alone myself knowing I couldn't live without him but fearing I might not have the guts to kill myself as much as I know I couldn’t go on alone. I don't see how I could handle all these doctors and medical issues alone these days. Especially with no car and all the sleep issues I have which only makes things harder.

I tell myself to quit worrying about getting old or developing any serious illnesses until we actually get there. Even Tom tells me this. But it's easier said than done at times. He also says our future actually looks brighter than ever and we're only going to be old for a small part of our lives. True, but each moment you're suffering from whatever you’re suffering from feels like an eternity. I just do NOT handle stress well. There's no denying that much. When the shit hits the fan I'm the basket case from hell.

Tom speculates I might've actually had HYPERthyroidism 20 years ago cuz I used to be hyper, get a racy heart at times, and could eat all I wanted and not gain weight. Then I gradually went from hyperthyroidism to HYPOthyroidism. This kind of does make sense when you think about it, so he might be right. What’s scaring me is the thought of ever taking the Levo again. I’m not taking anything at all today and when I do take it next, I’ll make sure Tom’s home. For now, I’ve emailed my doctors to let them know what happened and to see if they have any advice for me.

Anyway, I slept 7 hours and of course I woke up a couple of times along the way. I thought I’d sleep 8-10 hours after being run through the wringer. Everything hurt. My head hurt, my eyes felt like sand had been thrown in them, and my chest muscles ached like hell. I’m still tired and a bit down, but better physically. Going through something like this suddenly makes everything in both the present and future seem so bleak, scary and hopeless.

Lost 6 pounds in less than a week. I should be thrilled. Instead, I’m not giving a shit after what happened. I’d be bigger than a football field before I went through that again!

It was nice to hear from friends and family online. I appreciate them for caring. :)

Later…

Next door just took off for their second trip of the day. More cataract surgery? Nah, it was just Bob. Unless it’s his turn for that. After what I went through I almost welcomed any neighborhood distractions. I usually love my space and work best on my own, but I just did NOT want to be alone. Today I actually like knowing I’m surrounded by houses instead of isolated in the woods, as funny as that may sound. I mean, what can they do for me, right? Sissy or not, that’s how I am at times.

I sent messages to both my PCP doctor and my endo doc. Another doctor replied saying my PCP was out today and would hold that message for me, and that I may have taken a double dose. Yeah, that’s what I’m still leaning toward as opposed to thinking I grabbed the melatonin at 1am, took a Levo at 6am, then had an allergic reaction. Even Tom stressed that he doubted I’d suddenly react to a normal dose like that after all these weeks.

I guess it’s that time for all the doctors of NorCal to be on vacation, cuz now it turns out that my endo doc’s out, too. They said I shouldn't necessarily have an allergic reaction to the levothyroxine. Some people are allergic to the fillers that hold the medication together. For now, try it tomorrow and see how I feel. If it happens again, let them know.

It better not happen again! I can’t go through that shit again. I really can’t. As a few friends and followers were saying, once the hard starts pumping wildly, it causes you to panic and that makes it worse. When I’m feeling ok it's easy to think of the possibility of dying and say, "Well, if I die I at least made it home first and it's not like I'm really young or anything like that." But that attitude changes very quickly when you’re suddenly faced with a crisis and that survival instinct automatically kicks in.

It sucks either way. I don’t want to take this medication ever again but I have to or else I will eventually die and feel like shit until I do.

For now, I’m just immensely relieved to be feeling better, though I’m taking it real easy. No working out or cleaning or anything. This is the first time in a long time I will go 3 days without working out. I think tomorrow I can get back on that bike, though.

The paramedic who said it’d boost my metabolism wasn’t kidding. When I could finally walk into the kitchen and grab a bite to eat and some water to keep from being dehydrated since I was having the runs, I did a little test. When my metabolism was at its deadest a lousy cup of coffee could put half a pound to a pound on me. After a 30-calorie kiddy smoothie yesterday the scale hadn’t budged either way. Not long afterward it dropped half a pound.

I read that the Levo (and Tammy confirmed this) can cause headaches, insomnia, swelling, nausea, and the runs. Fortunately, I haven’t had any nausea.

Yesterday I wished I could go back to complaining about any noise as that suddenly seemed like nothing when I felt as shitty as I felt yesterday. But now that I can it’s quiet and the bricklayer is gone. I knew he’d be back, though, to work on that retaining wall. Nobody can get their home repairs done in just a day around here. Nobody.

Later…

A part of me misses Alison, but I realize that as much as I’ll miss her good points, I have to remember and consider that dishonest side of hers and the suspicions I’ve had about her possibly hacking into some sites and even accounts of mine. These suspicions are probably unfounded, but they’re there. And no matter how much she may try to reassure me she hasn’t given info about me to the nutjobs she so prefers to hang with, how can I know that’s true? If she can give me info, why not them? Ok, so I know we don’t always tell the same people the same things, but still.

I remember a while back she said – on Facebook, I think it was – how she wished she’d feel less ignored and hear from people more often. I thought this was strange because on every site we were connected on – Facebook, Twitter, etc. – she’d often go days and sometimes weeks without checking in. Now I know why. Because I wasn’t as crazy as she would prefer. If I was on disability and had MPD, or if I was in some home for the mentally fucked in the head and wrote about wanting to kill my parents in their sleep and all kinds of other crazy shit, THEN I’d be fun and interesting to keep in touch with more often.

But hey, you can’t make someone like or not like something or someone. They are the way they are, so I just have to respect that and back off. Especially since the trust has been shattered. One of the two traits that drew me to her and had me eventually consider her one of my best online friends ever was her intelligence and her honesty. Ah, but she was also dishonest and friendships must be based on trust. If you don’t have that, what do you have?

It’s strange that one as smart as she is would be drawn to those not right in the head. Usually, people like her want others like her while the crazies feed off of the crazies. Sure, her two favorite nuts surely have their good points and for a split, crazy, totally irrational second I actually considered joining not just her but all 3 of them. But I’m smart enough to know that the shit will eventually hit the fan and I don’t want to be caught up in all that drama and insanity again and the never-ending cycle of bullshit from her friends. I’ve finally broken free of that and I want to keep it this way. They will be kind and sweet one minute and then the next they do something to drive you away and then punish you for walking away by stalking and pestering you to no end. No thanks! Molly was nosing around in my blog yesterday.

But yeah, I do kinda miss her. She may have had her problems but she was real and I loved her intelligence and creative flair. Maybe I should’ve shrugged off what I learned and said, “Eh, no one’s perfect.” But it’s not like she failed to tell me she got a case of the hiccups or anything. She failed to tell me she’s tight with a couple of batshit crazy fuckers that could know anything and everything about me. Ok, so that can be argued too, since they don’t have any sensitive info about me. Not unless people know more about me than I think they do. But let’s say the nutjobs have my address. What are they going to do with it? Show up at my door and beat me up?

For now, I’ll miss her, I’ll wonder about her, but I will not be so closely connected to any madness, not that she’d necessarily welcome me back after dumping her anyway.

She’s telling Kim on both Twitter and Ask that she’s asked the same questions over and over again. She still doesn’t get it. Kim’s not just Kim. It’s each of her personalities asking and she obviously doesn’t realize this any more than Kim does.

Next door just returned from their third trip and I can tell this isn’t it because they parked in the carport and not the garage. I think that unless they’re dead or as sick as I was yesterday, this is the way they’ll always be, in and out. Except for Sundays, though, where they may only go out once.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 9, 2014 This morning just after 7am was the first time I prayed, not so much to any particular God or other unearthly entity, but just prayed that I would be ok. Coincidence? I don’t know and I don’t care. I’m just glad I survived the HUGE scare I had this morning!

I had been in the habit of reaching up and taking my thyroid medication within the last few hours of my sleep since I often wake up a million times anyway. Since it’s been about a week or more since I was taking melatonin supplements to help me sleep, I started taking them again to help me make my appointments next week without my schedule being too messed up and me too tired.

At 6:30 I was in the bedroom when I looked at the headboard shelf and saw the little pill sitting there and thought, WTF? Thinking I’d really taken melatonin and hadn’t set up the next levothyroxine pill for the following night, I took the pill.

Not long afterward my heart starts racing like crazy and I’m dizzy as hell. I was terrified! I stumbled into the kitchen and slammed on a yogurt as fast as I could because eating prevents this medication from being absorbed as much. That’s why I’m supposed to take it on an empty stomach.

I was both coherent and a bit disoriented. I had to stop and think just to call Tom at work. My hands were very shaky. I got his VM and then I called the paramedics for the first time in about 20 years because I just didn’t know what to do or if I’d be ok. It was scary! I called and told them what happened and that I ate a yogurt to try to block some absorption. Levo has a fine line between being helpful and toxic. She told me not to eat or drink anything else till help arrived.

At first I was worried I would collapse before making it to the door, but I managed to get out the back and stumble down the driveway. When the fire truck arrived right before the ambulance, I was in tears and practically hugged the guy, that’s how relieved I was that they were finally there.

They checked my BP and heart and said that while they weren’t doctors they believed I’d be ok and 150mcg wasn’t a lethal dose. So I came in and rested a while, still feeling like shit, but a little better knowing I’d be ok. You would think I’d be used to these close calls, and while I wasn’t as sure as I was in 2011 that I wasn’t going to make it, the thought definitely crossed my mind for a while there.

I later tried to call Tammy to cry on her shoulder (hey, when you can’t run to mommy and hubby’s working, you call your big sis) but dialed the wrong number. I’ll call her some other time. She left me a VM after I messaged her on Facebook. She’s gotten her own meds mixed up before. Well, no more keeping the Levo by the bed. I’m now using the AM/PM pillbox. The Levo goes in the AM, the vitamins and statin in the PM.

Tom told me to try to eat a bit more today, but that’s not so easy when you aren’t hungry. Funny how life works, huh? When I’m trying not to get carried away with the eating I’m utterly famished. When I should eat more I’ve got no appetite whatsoever. OD on 5-6 pills as a teen and it just makes me drowsy. Do that accidentally on just 2 thyroid pills and my heart booms like it’s going to jump out of my chest. Life. It’s a strange thing.

TUESDAY, JULY 8, 2014 Although fewer women are having children as the pressure to work, work, work hangs heavy on both genders these days, the population is rising. We’re living longer, fewer babies are dying, and medicine is advancing fast. But the office staff of these doctors who are keeping us alive is growing more and more incompetent, confused and disorganized by the minute!

I am so damn frustrated with these secretaries, office administrators, or whatever the hell you want to call them, that I’m damn near ready to forget about dealing with my female problems which I’m almost positive can’t be that serious anyway as annoying as it can be, and maybe drop the ear doctor, too. I’ll keep the dentist cuz that’s simple enough to deal with, and I have to keep the eye doctor cuz I need to see, and lastly, I must continue the thyroid medication so I don’t have a heart attack, a stroke, go into a coma, or gain 100 pounds. Those are all easy enough to deal with because it’s just one doctor I’m dealing with for just one thing and pretty straightforward. But when you’ve got a handful of problems and you’re dealing with a network of doctors, physician’s assistants and stupid office staff, it becomes both confusing and frustrating.

We scheduled my external biopsy, as they call it, online. Then at the end of the day, I get a message asking what I want it for! Shouldn’t these people know that? Really, they should keep better records! They should know who I am, who my doctors are, and what they’ve ordered. Every fucking time Tom calls for me (which he sometimes does because he drives me) they act like they don’t know anything about it, can’t find any records, or like they don’t believe him. Why must it be so hard to call these offices and tell them that such and such a doctor ordered such and such an exam or treatment? They should be able to pull this info right up!

I’m just fed up with dealing with doctors, doctors and more doctors! All these appointments are so damn hard on me with my sleep disorder, and even if I didn’t have sleep issues, I feel like the doctors’ offices have become almost like a second home and that’s no way to live. Sometimes the best way to deal with something is to pull back and not deal at all. And so I will pick and choose which of all these fucking health issues I now have to deal with I should continue dealing with, and which ones I should put on the back burner for now.

Like do I really need a hearing test, for example? I work at home. Who cares how well I can hear the landscapers and the home improvement/repairs jobs I thought we were done with for the year. Some concrete company was at one of the neighbor’s houses, pounding away at something. I wonder if that’s what Bob and Jim were referring to when they were out walking. I saw them stop and turn around and point in the direction of that house like something was wrong there. I’m sure they’ll be back today, whatever it is. No one’s renovations or repairs seem to take just one day.

Anyway, I’m tired today. I only slept about 6 hours. First time I slept straight through, though. When I awoke I remembered a dream of me sitting behind the wheel of an RV that was running. Tom was napping behind me somewhere. I sat there copying notes from a bunch of scrap pieces of paper. I then turned the motor off and Tom asked me what I was doing. I told him I didn’t see any point in leaving it running because it was going to take a while to get all the notes copied.

Later…

Why do bad things happen? Why do good things happen? Do I believe we’re really never given more than we can handle? I’ve been asked these age-old questions lately, and well, I don’t know why bad/good things happen to us. If there is a God up there of any kind, why did it feel I deserved to grow up with abuse and then be given a husband who loves me unconditionally and has never complained or tried to change a damn thing about me?

As for us never being given more than we can handle, well, I personally find this a bit of a naïve and gullible belief, but that’s just me. I understand the need some people have to tell themselves this as a means of convincing themselves that everything will be alright and they can handle anything, blah, blah, blah. But as far as I’m concerned, we’re all going to be given more than we can handle someday that will kill us all. It may be cancer, it may be heart disease, but sooner or later something will break us down for good.

Why do I have all these health issues and doctor appointments all of a sudden? Tell me that. Then again, it’s really a no-brainer. These issues have been festering for years. I just didn’t have the insurance to deal with it till a couple of years ago. I just hope it ends soon! Meanwhile, my biopsy is on for the 16th and my ultrasound for the 17th. I have a bad feeling, though, that these appointments will lead to yet MORE appointments and that once they finally figure out what the hell’s wrong with me it won’t be a simple matter of calling in a prescription to cure it.

These secretaries really make me want to rub their faces in a cheese grater at times, though. It’s going to be rough on my schedule but I think I can nail both appointments easily enough. I’ll eat less and that’ll make me sluggish and thus help me fall asleep easier at night. Trying to keep a schedule long-term may be out of the question, but being short on sleep for a few days won’t kill me. Being tired during the appointments may actually be a good thing if it helps me to relax more easily.

We think the neighbor’s retaining wall must’ve broken and that’s why concrete workers have been over there. I just hope this project doesn’t take too many days.

MONDAY, JULY 7, 2014 ”These days we’re more concerned with deleting our history than making history.”

Hilarious and true!

Went bike riding twice yesterday, once with Tom. I’m addicted to it. Since running and riding outdoors I have come to see treadmills and stationary bikes as utterly boring as hell.

Got sick of Safari causing one of the sites I frequent to hang up my browser, so I went back to Firefox, even though it runs slower. I’ll still use Safari for entering sweeps, though, since I can’t seem to get Robo running in FF. I will miss Safari’s auto-correct feature (when I wasn’t trying to write in another language), but that’s about it.

No bees got in yesterday but was that due to the bombs or because we finally managed to seal up their entryway? I’m afraid it was probably because of the bombs, but thank goodness for that much until and if we ever do manage to track down their little gateway into Tom and Jodi Land.

What the hell’s going on this month? My period is over yet I feel like I never lost my water OR my hunger. I’ve been miserably hungry and I never dropped the pound or two I usually drop after periods.

SUNDAY, JULY 6, 2014 Surprised (but pleased) that Alison hasn't tried to contact me. I can't say how she feels or what she's thinking but perhaps she is actually relieved to be rid of what was probably her only sane friend. Oh, what fun it is to immerse yourself in a world of nothing but crazies, right? rolls eyes She can have the fuckers! No matter how many times they drive her crazy or burn her, she will keep forgiving them. It's sad that some people feel they deserve no better than phony liars, skitzos and such selfish people with absolutely no empathy whatsoever. Makes you wonder what happened to her to strip her self-esteem that low, but you know what? It's her problem, not mine. I choose to surround myself with non-toxic people and expunge my life from the toxic ones.

Last night I dreamed that Nane got a boat and named it Dame Regenbogen. I’d be flattered. :)

Then I dreamed I could swim underwater and still breathe.

In the last dream, I was complaining to my sister about the scars on my forearm from my stupid days. She said, “Maybe anyone who notices them will think you got them some other way, don’t you think?”

My answer was, “No, sadly I don’t think so. No one’s going to take hold of my arm, gaze at my scars in amazement and say, ‘Wow, you did a lot of shopping this weekend.’”

It’s nice to go from sad/scary dreams to funny/strange dreams. What would REALLY be nice, though, would be to go from seeing bees in here to not seeing bees in here. Tom taped up another spot he thought they may be getting in from, yet when I got up I found a dead bee on the kitchen floor. I’m glad it was dead, thanks to the bombs, but it shouldn’t have gotten in here. Where the hell are they coming from?!?! I could’ve stepped on the damn thing too, before I turned the kitchen light on and saw it. They still sting even when they’re dead.

Jim said hello to Tom when he was out walking while Tom was watering plants. He said a few years ago was really horrible as far as bees and wasps go. Well, I’m not going to put up with this shit every summer. We either have to figure it out, have someone else figure it out for us, or we’re putting the damn house up for sale.

Bob soon came out to join Jim in their morning walk as they often do. Even though Tom and I aren’t the social butterflies most people are, it’s nice to live in such a tight community where you’re more like family than just neighbors.

Just 5 days shy of our 1-year marker here, we replaced the old, heavy stools that always had this mysterious sticky film over them. Tom may keep one for his workshop, but the other two will probably go when they do the summer bulk pickup. For just $50 we got plain wooden stools from Walmart with no backs, arms or anything. I will eventually cut round pieces of foam for them, then cover them with the fabric of my choice. The hard part will be gathering them evenly to staple them underneath the top.

SATURDAY, JULY 5, 2014 Was surprised not to find any tweet rants or messages from Alison on why I dumped her and all that, but am glad I didn’t. No longer will I read her stuff or her crazy friends’ stuff either. I’m done with the happy trio.

I was too busy to write yesterday. I love being busy and keeping active, but sometimes I feel like there isn’t enough time to get everything done that I want to do.

Going in order of events – I chatted with a few people on Facebook really early yesterday morning. I chatted with Nane whose aunt died and is still sad. She said she broke up with Askim because he had big-time emotional problems.

Chatted with this girl from Hungary too, and then was delighted to hear from my nieces. One “liked” a post and another commented on a comment I left her.

Around 7am we set the bombs off and then took off. Got a cute little Barbie mini for just $5 at Walmart and a wax burner by ScentSationals. I grabbed some wax packs of various sweet, fruity and spicy smells, also by them and by Better Homes & Gardens. Their scent selection is amazing compared to sprays and oils! I think this will be my new smelly addiction. As anyone who knows me knows, I’m obsessed with good smells. I was quite an incense junkie for a long time, but I don’t want smoke residue building up in here on our new blinds, paint and carpet. It’s a good thing I have a few sticks left, though, so we can use it to hopefully figure out where the fucking bees are getting in.

My pink, blue and green floral burner is so pretty. I love how there’s no candle or anything that can give off smoke or soot. It’s just a glass dish that rests on a light bulb. I burned some Brownie Pecan Pie and now I’m burning Illusion. That one is a mix of cedar and musk.

Poor Tom, though. He only made it 16 hours through his 2-day fasting goal. To be honest, though, I doubt I could do much better.

As we were airing the place out when we got back, we were just about to go for a bike ride when Virginia was going by. I guess she and Bob were good friends with the couple that lived here because she went to Gene’s funeral when he died on April 15th at age 95. She said it was just family and them at the funeral and that Audrey’s really frail now and all that. She probably won’t last much longer. You know how it often is with those who have been married forever. They would’ve celebrated their 67th anniversary, according to the obit, and they had 5 kids, 8 grandkids and 3 great-grandkids. All that and not one of them could help keep this damn house clean?

Even though I was annoyed with how messy they left the house, believing that if they were too old to keep up on it then someone should’ve helped them (after all, they did have kids), I feel bad for them. I felt bad for them a year ago, knowing that they weren’t moving because they wanted to or because they got sick of living here. I can just imagine how they must’ve felt leaving a home they loved for 15 years, knowing they were going to die soon enough. Audrey must be absolutely miserable now.

It’s kind of funny to know that she probably told Bob and Virginia how much younger we are before they moved, and they were probably concerned at first. I would be too, if I was in my 80s and looking at getting neighbors nearly 40 years younger than me.

Sooo, July 10th was a very emotional day for us all, them in a bad way, us in a good way, although they left a couple of weeks before we got in here. At this time last year, the house was empty. Either way, I STILL can’t believe we’re homeowners again.

What was strange was that because they get up early, Virginia actually wanted to ask us if their washer and dryer in their utility area bothered us since we’re not “old and deaf” like everyone else here, haha.

What utility area? And no, we never hear it; just their vehicle. Funny how she waits a year to ask us, LOL. I did tell her I wondered if they were moving because they came and went a lot. She said she had cataract surgery.

THURSDAY, JULY 3, 2014 I had a dream that Tom and I escaped a madman on a tiny island somewhere. There were only a few hundred people on the island and I guess some guy suddenly got a little trigger-happy. He said that was Game One and that Game Two would be carried out in a few days if anyone was still alive. He hadn’t decided yet if he would kill the survivors or let them go.

Everyone started screaming and scattered off in different directions. One guy’s wife hurt her foot while running and Tom and I helped him get her onto the guy’s private plane which we all flew out in.

Safely back at home I checked in on Facebook and saw someone writing how glad they were to know I’d made it back alive and that the violence I had to have witnessed must’ve been a real nightmare and all that.

Then Tom entered the room to tell me the guy's plans for Game Two had finally been revealed in the news. The guy was going to kill off any survivors before the cops intervened. So if we hadn’t been able to fly away, we’d have been hunted down and killed if no one had managed to contact the police in time, and I guess this was tricky because cell phones didn’t work there and there weren’t many landlines.

Love these Emoji symbols someone told me about, though they don’t work everywhere.

Things still aren’t running as smoothly as I’d like. Online work is going too slow (it’s an up-and-down thing), bees are still getting in, spiders are invading the place at night, and I’m PMSing. I’m up a pound and a half and while my logical side says it’s water, it makes me doubt once again whether or not I can get any real weight off. I probably won’t. Sure thought I would for a minute there, though.

Right now I just wish every place we live in didn’t have to have bug issues. I don’t miss living in a cold climate, but I never had to deal with this shit back east. Never. Yet every single fucking place I’ve had in the West has had problems with spiders, bees, ants, crickets… something. Tonight’s home invader, besides another bee, is a silverfish. Those aren’t as creepy, but they’re still not welcome and we’re still going to bomb the hell out of this place tomorrow morning.

Not only do I worry we may never find where the bees are coming in and that they may never figure out my female problems, but my memory isn’t sharpening back up as much as I’d like. I have to leave notes for myself and I still forget shit more than I should. I forget where I put things. I forget things I’ve already told people. I forget names, numbers, and other things. I could tell myself it’s just age, but I know damn well that not only is 48 not “old,” but it is connected to the Hashimoto’s. People are ignorant, though, so I don’t mention it to many people. You know how they are – if you can’t keep a schedule it just really means you’re lazy. If you’re fat you’re a pig. If you can’t remember things you just don’t care or you’re not listening and paying attention. I gave up on trying to explain myself to people a long time ago. You can tell someone the facts but you can’t make them get it. Besides, who do we owe any explanations to as adults anyway?

Tom worked on the car yesterday and said it was harder than he expected and wasn’t sure he did everything correctly or not, although the car ran smoothly when he did a test drive around the block. He’ll take it to work today and see how it does. Meanwhile, we’re both grateful the Ford is so incredibly reliable. It should’ve overheated and even broke down, but nope. We talked about giving it to a junkyard and making more room in the carport for other things, but now we’re not so sure we want to give up such a reliable car. We’d have had to rent something for a few days without it.

Speaking of cars, I really get sick of hearing next door come and go so much. Sometimes I don’t hear them, and they never wake me up when I’m on nights, but it’s still a bit of an annoying distraction. They pulled the car out of the garage yesterday morning and I wondered just what the hell they were doing in the garage that they wanted it out of the way. I didn’t hear any annoying tools or other sounds coming from over there, so who knows. An hour later they took off somewhere for what was probably their first of several trips in and out. I was getting into bed at that time. When they just jump in and go it’s no big deal. But when they slam doors without going anywhere (loading up stuff?), it gets old. I’m just amazed people in their 80s can have so much energy and be so active. I also don’t get how they can not want to take a day off here and there. If I was a driver I know I’d have days where I wouldn’t feel like going anywhere and where I’d just want to relax at home.

All in all, I’m surprised at just how much traffic goes by in front. There’s got to be only 25-30 houses around this block yet you won’t go more than 5 minutes in the daytime without seeing someone drive by.

Later…

When am I going to learn that forgiving someone is the dumbest thing I could do? Well, I’m done for good with Alison! I’ve had it with her hiding things from me. I don’t know if I can go so far as to say I’m pissed. I don’t think I even feel hurt. I think if anything I’m not surprised and so I’ve acknowledged and resigned myself to the fact that some people are simply liars by omission.

Out of curiosity, I thought I’d check Molly’s Twitter rants and found that she, Kim and Aly are all best buds once again. You know, the trolls she would “never again give any more worthless chances to?” So why did she conveniently neglect to tell me about this cozy little threesome? Well, I think the answer’s obvious – because I not only would tell her she’s crazy to even think of associating with them (although it’s her life, her right, and her stupidity as I told her) but because she would probably worry that I was worried she was feeding them information about me that’s none of these sickos’ business. I would too, if we were friends. Now that I’ve dropped her, I don’t give a fuck what she tells them, and I know damn well that if she can give me info about them, she can give them info about me, and why not? Why should she or would she spare them info that she’s willing to give to me? If she can give me Kim’s address (assuming it’s really hers), she can give her mine.

No wonder Molly hasn’t been whining in her blog about missing Alison, though; because they’ve been friends all along.

I see she’s already bitching about Kim asking the same damn questions as she always used to. Yeah, that’s because she’s so many people in one. Or at least pretending to be. I don’t think Aly gets the MPD thing, but that’s her problem.

As for letting her know why I was dumping her, I wasn’t even going to give her that much, but I did send a quick message. If she wastes time with replies I’ll mark them as spam unread. I deleted her on Facebook, and no, I’m not going to run and hide either. I’m not going to mark all my blogs private just because they may want to see how much of their true colors I’m exposing.

It isn’t her taste in friends that’s driven me away but the lies. And yes, she is basically a liar for not telling me. I could kick myself for believing she dropped the nutjobs forever. She obviously has an addiction to crazy skitzos and spoiled excuse queens and will probably be friends with them on and off all her life. Fine. Again, she has a right to pick and choose her own friends. But I’m not going to buy for a minute that she’s not returning the favor and supplying them with info. A liar by omission is still a liar and the trust is 100% completely and totally gone. Oh, I’m sure she’d have the perfect explanation for why she’s friends with them again and that she’d swear she hasn’t told them a damn thing about me, but you know what? I don’t want to hear it. I don’t care and I don’t want to hear from her again. She can have the crazies!

Normally I wouldn’t care if you had friends I didn’t care for, but these people are just too damn crazy. Like potentially dangerously crazy. If you’re even remotely connected to them, I don’t want a damn thing to do with you. Especially if you can’t tell me about it and you have no problem divulging information about people you know they would otherwise not want you divulging.

Peeked in on Mary, too. It’s still shopping away her bad boy’s money. Probably knocked up now, too.

Later…

I asked a handful of other my-diary writers if they too, receive nasty feedback at times (I got a message yesterday telling me I was an evil spawn, blah, blah, blah), wanting to get a sense of whether or not this is common or if I’m being singled out and targeted for some reason. Many have said that yes, they too, get some really mean, rude stuff at times. I guess I shouldn’t be too surprised. If people can hide in the shadows of anonymity, they’ll spew all kinds of negative shit.

My NC visitor did return to Blogger the next day, but if it’s Maliheh, she hasn’t picked up my mail. I don’t think it is her and I think she’s ignoring my message. She could’ve just not checked her mail or disabled cookies, but I think she finally got sick of reading my messages, not that I often send them. I just wanted to see if I could get a match on my NC reader.

I’m at the point where I’m seriously considering deleting my nieces on Facebook. I don’t want anyone on my list who truly doesn’t want to be there. I commented on her profile picture and I got not a word in response.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 2, 2014 OMG, what a spookfest in here! We're bombing for damn sure this weekend. How do you drown a spider down your shower drain in SCALDING hot water, then watch it climb back up just minutes later??? :((( CREEPY! After I post this I suppose I should go see if I need to drown the 8-legged bastard again. Maybe three time is the charm in this case.

Just spotted another one on the hall ceiling, but fortunately, Tom was there to get the damn thing. Friday morning we’re gonna blow these fuckers up.

As for the bees, I was dismayed to hear Tom say he counted 8 dead panel bees instead of 6 when he pulled the panels down to dump the casualties. He taped up the one that’s broken so that if they are still coming in where we think they’re coming in from, they will remain inside the panels till he can spray more foam in that area.

Tammy left a message and said her medical books are packed but as far as she knows, they have to find out if it’s a virus or a bacteria and that antibiotics don’t usually work. Well, then HOW do they treat it? I asked her on Facebook and she said she’d leave me a message.

I just want to know why each and every appointment leads to more appointments! A dental checkup leads to cavity appointments, ears lead to unnecessary hearing tests, eyes lead to an OH/specialist, blood work leads to broken thyroids, and now a pussy probe leads to biopsies and ultrasounds! Argh! :(

At least I lost another pound, though I’m still sleeping shitty. I kept waking up constantly and was up for two hours before I could fall back asleep yesterday. Tom thinks the melatonin is messing me up and that after a few days of backing off of it, I’ll sleep better. I hope he’s right!

“Nervous” returned from the dead last night, pissed me off, then made me beat his ass down good. He was an annoying guy who was kind of obsessed with me when I was in my 20s and he was in his 40s. He died of a heart attack in his 50s in the 90s. After I beat him up I bent his arms behind his back and tied them like shoelaces.

Then I went to pee and saw the water in the toilet was all discolored. A warning?

TUESDAY, JULY 1, 2014 When someone pointed out that eating yogurt can help with female problems it hit me that the burning and itching hasn’t been as bad since I started eating these 80-calorie yogurts again. Maybe I should keep up the habit.

I’m still feeling a bit overwhelmed with all the medical stuff going on. Female problems, OH, cavities, hypothyroidism, high cholesterol, ear issues… am I forgetting anything? Oh well, nothing’s killed me yet.

Meanwhile, I hope the bees won’t be back today. I don’t think they will. Tom really sealed the hell out of the only areas they could’ve gotten in from. The spiders took over when the bees quit, so we’re definitely going to bomb first chance we get. Really hate it, though, when I spot a spider, run to get something to kill it with, then find it gone when I return. I got one in the bedroom, but the 8-legged bastard in the living room is still hiding.

It was a bit creepy walking under the bee graveyard when I went into the kitchen, but Tom will eventually pull the panels down and get them out of there. I’m actually glad for the drop-down ceiling because it helped contain them. If not for that they’d be all over the house.

Even though it aggravated my knee a bit, I went for a much-needed bike ride at midnight. It was so nice threading through the streets in the dead of night when all the world was asleep. Or most of it anyway. I rode for about 20 minutes. The dog on the other side of the circle didn’t go off on me like it did at 11pm last night. I’d be sooo pissed if I lived next door. They obviously don’t allow it indoors much. It’s penned up in back of their carport most of the time.

The internet vigilante contacted me again. She is showing up on my tracker, too. She’s coming up as being in a place called Lake Mary, Florida. I’m going to avoid her whenever possible because she comes off as very vengeful. Even she’s admitted to stalking, bashing, harassing and seeking revenge on people before, and something about helping put people away for those Nigerian and other scams.

It’s ironic that as soon as she reaches out to me my North Carolina visitor stops coming to Blogger. I asked Miss Vigilante if she was over there, but she said she only read my bio on Prosebox. Strange how no time is registering on the visitor log. It doesn’t take just a minute or two to read my bio.

Curious to see if Maliheh may be my North Carolina visitor, though she’d have to have moved quite a ways from Fayetteville, I sent her a bullshit message which I coded saying that one of her friends on Facebook contacted me. Nothing in any part of NC has appeared on my visitor log yet.

[4lunar-kitsune4]

Idk what this is

I felt my body begin to weaken as I straightened myself and looked her directly in her eyes, holding out my palm.

“Would you entertain one last dance with me, my sweet Rosalyne?”

My breathing was slow and steady, confidence overflowing me despite the circumstances. I would not let her know how weak I truly was. 

Her eyes betrayed no emotion, her blade hanging loosely in her hand. The freshly spewn blood on its otherwise clean and pristine surface seemed to reflect brightly underneath the bright ballroom lights. She was a paragon of calmness that stood before me. 

The blade clattered to the floor as she stepped closer, accepting my inviting hand. She paid it no mind, her eyes focusing solely on me, seemingly analytical. 

I pulled her closer and soon we fell into a familiar pattern, our steps in sync, the silence heavy. Usually she’d always have this sort of… serene grace about her, a faint smile, a hint of amusement in her eyes. She’d look at me, a mix of quiet happiness and… something else. I’d never been able to put my finger on it. But now, all of the warmth she exuded was gone, replaced by a strange sense of unfamiliarity. The silence that was once comfortable and welcoming felt cold and distant. Yet she still danced with me, like we had done countless times before. 

The room seemed to sway underneath my feet and the lights seemed almost too bright. The slightest touch of her dress felt foreign and prickly against my skin. I felt as if in a trance, as if nothing were real. I felt slightly numb all over, the only thing stopping me from falling completely into this dreamlike state being her hands.

Her soft hands. Her soft and perfect hands. Those hands could do no wrong, I was sure of it. If you told me those hands had ravaged entire nations I would never believe you. I had the utmost reverence for those hands… not just her hands I would say…

Our dance continued, and my dreamlike state along with it. I tried to stay in the moment but oh! How hard it was. I felt as if I could be lulled to sleep during this dance and I would be content. But I had to remain strong, I wouldn’t dare show a moment of weakness in front of her. 

And so even though I felt as if it was all too much I continued with the dance I proposed to her, my feet and breath falsely steady. My eyes never left her, searching her face for any hint of emotion. 

There was none. 

Her face was truly a blank and neutral slate, her eyes watching me as well. 

I felt oddly vulnerable underneath her gaze, like I was baring my soul to her. She could see everything and was all-knowing.

 But I knew that wasn’t true. Just… being in her presence made me feel odd things.

We floated through the ballroom and I could feel my breathing beginning to shallow, my steps becoming more and more unsteady as time inched forward. But I couldn’t- no I wouldn’t, show weakness in front of her… I would… I would keep going on steady, I had no intention of letting this wondrous dream end-

I collapsed. 

My knees weakened and I collapsed onto her. I clutched her with the strength of a new-born kitten, inhaling shaky breaths. She said nothing as this transpired, merely watching with that emotionless gaze. I was shaking slightly and the world seemed more intense than it did earlier…

After an agonizing few moments I still felt extremely weak but I feigned that I was strong enough to push away when-

She took me in her arms and held me. I looked up in her eyes and felt lost in them… she was so… perfect. My pain and suffering and everything was meaningless compared to this moment, I never wanted it to end. I felt as if I was a deer caught in the headlights, I couldn’t quite place my finger on what I felt at that moment.

Her eyes softened. To the outside observed she looked cruel and uncaring as I bled out in her arms, my bright red blood staining her lovely white dress. But to me… she looked ethereal, an angel looking down upon a tragedy. 

She brought me closer and hugged me, the blood staining even more. For once she didn’t seem to care about cleanliness. 

My breathing was now only coming every few seconds, quite ragged. If I was standing I would have surely collapsed once more.

She lowered us both downwards towards the floor until she was sitting upon it, her dress spreading out around her, and me in her arms like a fragile doll. I shakily took a blood-stained hand and put on her face, my expression remorseful.

“I’m… so sorry my sweet… I hope you can forgive me..”

Her expression was unreadable once more, and she watched me.

“Won’t you… say something for me?”

She looked slightly remorseful but still she kept her lips sealed… those lovely lips of her…

Finally, finally, I felt my strength fading away as the lights seemed to dim around me, my vision darkening… I looked up at her one last time… debating what I would say… what would my final words to her… her… be…

My eyelids felt heavy. Surely a short rest wouldn’t hurt… right?

THIS IS LOWKEY CRINGE LMAO IDK WHY I WROTE THIS

[alsjeblieft-zeg]

322 of 2023

Yet another TMI survey because lol XD

   How old are you?

Soon to be 33.

   What’s your sexual orientation?

Gay, but asexual.

   Your pubic hair?

This gotta be the only part of my body that I actually shave, except for my face.

   Are you virgin?

No, I’m not. Never enjoyed partnered sex, though.

   How old were you when you first masturbated?

Consciously? 15, I guess. Maybe a bit earlier, though.

   How did you discover masturbation?

My body started acting up (all the hormones lol) and I was just looking for the ways to release the tension, but I was terrified of my body and how it was changing.

   How often do you masturbate?

Sometimes I go for weeks without doing anything, sometimes it changes o multiple times a day. These are rare, though. I’m not a teenager anymore.

   When was the last time you masturbated?

Today. Lazy Sunday, I guess.

   Do you masturbate to any stimulus?

Just to my imagination.

   What do you think about?

Usually another guy doing the same, but I never feel like I would love to join him.

   What’s the last thing you thought of or masturbated to?

Exactly this.

   Have you ever walked in on or caught someone masturbating? (If yes, please tell us a little more about it)

Nope, thankfully.

   Have someone ever walked in on or caught you masturbating?  (If yes, please tell us a little more about it)

My parents, almost. I was a teenager then and I could barely hide it.

   Have you ever had cyber sex?

No, not interested.

   Have you ever had phone sex?

Not interested either.

   Have you ever had a wet dream?

Yeah, but they’re rare for me and I just had one or two that involved me personally.

   What’s your favorite method of masturbation? (i.e. Hands/Toys/Lotion/etc.)

Like the average guys do it. Just my hands.

   Are you loud or quiet when you masturbate?

Very quiet, I don’t make any sound. I don’t know how I’m doing it because it tends to feel very intense.

   Has anyone ever watched you masturbate live online?

No, omg. I’m too shy to do such things.

   Has anyone ever watched you masturbate in person?

Not really, just a few times. I don’t think I would want to, anyway.

   Have you ever watched someone masturbate live online?

No, just on videos.

   Have you ever watched someone masturbate in person?

No, I don’t think I would want to either.

   Have you ever masturbated with someone? (Mutual masturbation)

Lol no. I’d rather be all alone.

   Do you enjoy watching others masturbate?

I prefer this than watching couples having sex. I don’t watch women, though.

   Do you enjoy being watched while masturbating?

OMG NO. The idea sounds horrible.

   Who do you like to think about when you masturbate?

Typically one certain guy doing the same, but it’s optional for me.

   Have you ever told them you think about them while you masturbate?

No, I would never do it. The less he knows, the better he sleeps.

   Does anyone know you masturbate? How did they find out?

People suspect because I’m a man lol. There’s this stereotype that guys do it a lot.

   Have you masturbated because your partner wasn’t around to help? Where were they?

No, I’d rather do things alone than with him, and he’s aware of that.

   What’s your most embarrassing masturbation story?

Someone has seen me cleaning up the mess, literally.

   What’s your funniest masturbation story?

I don’t know, really. I can’t recall anything.

   Have you ever masturbated in unique or strange places?

I don’t think so. I rather hide.

   Have you ever used something unique or strange to masturbate?

No. Only my hands.

   Is it easy for you to orgasm or do you have to work for it?

Usually it’s very easy. Sometimes it takes longer when I’m tired.

   What’s the easiest way for you to get off?

Touching certain parts of myself.

   Is there only one way you can get off? (i.e. Vaginal/Clitoral/Toy Use)

These are not applicable to me, but I haven’t tried much.

   Are you able to achieve orgasm through only non-conventional or indirect methods? (Breast Play/Hands-Free/Anal)

No, not really. Breast play is not applicable to me either.

   Do you ever double penetrate while you masturbate?

I’m afraid I don’t have the right equipment for that XD

   Do you ever suck on a dildo while you masturbate?

No, it’s lame.

   Do you edge when you masturbate? (Get to the point of orgasm and stop repeatedly to enhance the experience)

Did it a few times, the end result was way too intense. Almost painful.

   What position do you typically masturbate in?

Lying on my back, but I’ve tried different ones as well.

   Describe a typical masturbation session.

What’s there to describe, getting hard and doing it for that reason? That’s it.

   How long do you usually last?

A few minutes.

   What’s the quickest you’ve ever been brought to orgasm?

Two minutes or so.

   What’s the longest masturbation session you’ve had?

Two hours, with breaks.

   What’s the most amount of times you’ve cum in a day?

Three or four, I think.

   How wet do you get? Do you leak fluids when you orgasm? (If yes, please describe)

Hahah. It’s pretty normal for guys to “leak fluids” while it happens, but my body does it even before and I’ve been always ashamed of it.

   If you are older than 35, how has masturbation changed for you over the years?

I’m still younger than 35.

   Do you want to tell us something more about your masturbation experiences?

There’s not much more to say. Except that I prefer this over sex with another person.

   Are you sexually aroused taking this survey?

Not really.

[thomashoes]

Thinking about.... JeanLuc

One of the few straight ships that actually makes me cry bc of the angst around them. I've been thinking about them since yesterday but I couldn't write it down cuz i fell asleep lol. Enjoy~

Modern AU

Straight ship (if you dont like, scroll pass, tnx <3)

JeanLuc

kinda longer than my usual cuz i cant control myself

probably has typos and grammatical errors since i didnt check--

Jean and Diluc are coworkers (Jean as CEO and Diluc as her PA). Diluc was supposed to be CEO but he refused the offer when his father, Crepus died and his brother, Kaeya went MIA. Everyone thought that they did not get along well since Diluc speaks bluntly and is often misinterpreted as rude while Jean, although she’s strict, has a more gentle aura around her. Both of them are pretty much the talk of the town (office??) since they are both good looking. Jean’s toned body (thanks to pilates) and Diluc’s buff structure and "mysterious" background that makes every woman (and some men) in the office swoon.

EVERYONE talks about wanting to either sleep with them or date them, there's no in between. But what the office doesn't know is that they're married and have been for 5 years. Only their close friends and family knew of their union. They didn't wear their wedding rings because it was 2 sizes small (thanks to their musician friend) so instead they wore it around their necks. Also, Jean just kept her maiden name and Diluc, although he did try to talk her out of the idea, accepted her decision.

However, one day Jean overheard Donna say that she will ask Diluc out again during the end of the year ball. Normally Jean wouldn't be surprised by this but this was DONNA and that woman keeps on bugging her husband despite him politely rejecting her multiple times.

This caused Jean to be out of it which did not go unnoticed by Diluc, so he decided to confront her about it when he handed her her 5th coffee of the day. Jean confessed to him about Donna’s plan and Diluc just told her not to worry about Donna and that he’ll handle it when it happens. And, of course, Jean trusts her man so much it's sort of amazing (absolutely ridiculous as Lisa told her).

On the night of the ball, Donna approached Diluc and asked to speak with him alone at the balcony. Jean and Diluc locked eyes before Jean discreetly waved him off as she spoke with Eula. Around 10 minutes have passed and she still hasn't spotted Diluc. So she went off to the balcony and as soon as she arrived there, Jean saw that Donna lunged forward to kiss Diluc and had sadly succeeded. Just as Jean was about to angrily march at Donna, Diluc pushed the woman away firmly.

“I already told you I’m married and you need to stop this nonsense” he enunciated firmly. “I don’t see a ring on your finger! Please Diluc, stop resisting and lying to me,” Donna desperately wailed as she gripped his arm tight. “My wife would not take this action lightly anymore if you keep this up,” Diluc, once again, remarks harshly. Donna scoffed and then smirked, “She’s not even here. What are you gonna do? FaceTime her? I know you only have like 10 contacts there and none of them are of your wife’s!”

Jean decided to step up, “Actually, she’s gonna file a harassment report to the HR and put you under investigation.” she sharply denoted as she walked towards them. Her heels tapping against the tiled floor loudly despite the party ongoing inside. “I’d love it if you back away from my husband, Donna. I have tolerated you long enough because you are an excellent worker. However, my patience for you has become too thin for my liking and this is the last straw.” jean disclosed as she crossed her arms with her chin up. Donna looked at the both of them back and forth with her mouth opening and closing, resembling a fish, before she excused herself and left the two of them alone.

Diluc smirked at his wife, “well that confrontation took you 7 years,” he teased her "A bit earlier than I anticipated." Diluc chuckled. Jean blushed and looked away, “It's because I trusted your judgement and knew you are capable of handling this kind of situation. But today…. I’ve had enough.” Diluc held her hand and kissed her knuckles, staring at her blue eyes the entire time. “Does this mean that it’s time to let the company know?”

Jean bites her lip before nodding, “I would feel better if we did, yes.” Diluc chuckled at her before tidying his suit, “I believe I deserve some sort of reward for tonight’s hard work. I had to deal with that for what felt like an hour—”

Before he could finish his sentence, Jean grabs his face and kisses him. “the audience be damned” was the last thought diluc had before kissing her back.

Because tonight, he will be giving all his attention to his wife only.

"Also, I'm beginning to wonder what name you put under my number since Donna said--"

"A-ah well..."

(T'was Dandelion Tights)