#I thought that since I’ve spent so much of my life dealing with depression and anxiety that I could handle it

[ahsokaismyqueen]

Reunions and Future Plans Pairing - Steve Harrington x HendersonSister!Reader Summary - For the first time in a long time, you and Steve haven't seen each other in three weeks since you started college. So he decides to surprise you. Word Count - 2.2k Warnings - Just some slightly smutty situations! Steve Harrington x HendersonSister!Reader Masterlist

You stumbled into your dorm room and landed face down on your bed. It had been possibly the longest week of your life. You’d been going to classes for three weeks now, and the material was starting to get more difficult. You’d spent ages in the library, but had finished your first essay. Now you were looking forward to laying down with your book until it was time for your nightly call with Steve. 

Which is why you almost didn’t get up when someone knocked on your door, but when they knocked again a couple of seconds later, you let out a groan, knowing that they weren’t going to go away. “Please tell me you didn’t forget-” but when you opened your door, your eyes widened in disbelief and a smile formed on your face. “Steve?” 

There he stood, a bundle of flowers in his hand and a grin on his face. “Miss me?” 

You threw your arms around his neck, tugging him inside. “Of course, you dummy!” Missing him didn’t even begin to cover it. You talked to each other, either with cerebro or the phone, and you weren’t far away enough that you couldn’t drive to see him whenever you wanted, but you hadn’t gotten to see him since you started classes. It was a big adjustment going from seeing him almost every day to not at all, and you were kinda hating it. 

Steve dropped the flowers on your table before he reached under your thighs to lift you into the air. “Calling me a dummy doesn’t make me think you missed me that much.” He said, but the tone in his voice told you he was teasing. 

“You know I use it as a term of endearment.” You said, nuzzling your nose against his. A giggle left your lips as he started carrying you back towards your bed. 

He placed you down like you were made of glass, wasting no time as he settled between your thighs. “You could try being nicer though. Like, ‘oh Steve, I’ve thought about you everyday, and I can’t stand it when we’re apart.’” 

You tangled your fingers in his hair as he hovered over you. “What about if I wrote Mrs. Steve Harrington in my notebook like fifty times? Does that count?” 

Your words took him aback, and you had to fight back a laugh at the expression on his face. “Did you actually do that? Because if so, I want to see.” 

“Mhmm, I guess you’ll never know.” You teased, pushing some of his hair back from his face. You still couldn’t quite believe he was here, looking down at you like you were a river he’d found during a drought. You were sure your expression was similar. “But, if I was trying to be nice, I’d tell you this is the happiest I’ve been in three weeks, and I’ve missed you so much I thought I might be going crazy. Because there’s no logical reason I should be missing you like this when you’re only a phone call or half an hour away.” You wrapped your legs around his hips, tugging him closer. “But I have.” 

Steve’s smile was radiant. “Damn, I was going to say Robin and your brother are driving me crazy without you.” 

“Jerk!” You fake glared at him, shoving him off of you. Of course it was a tiny bed, and there was nowhere for him to go other than against the wall, so he ended up pulling you with him onto your sides. 

“A jerk who loves you.” He said, and you couldn’t help but smile as he nuzzled into your neck and pressed kisses against your skin. “A jerk who was so depressing that Robin couldn’t stand the sight of it any longer and gave him the rest of the day off as long as he promised to come see you.” 

“Robin gave up a Friday night for you?” Robin had very few Friday nights off because of band, and the fact that she gave one up for Steve was a big deal. You definitely owed her the next time you saw her. 

He nodded, pulling back enough to look at your face and tuck some hair behind your ear. “Everything’s harder when you’re not around. I can’t concentrate at work, my brain feels like mush, I think Keith almost fired me the other day when I almost let an old lady rent Friday the13th instead of 16 Candles-”

You gasped, slapping your hand over your mouth to hide your grin. “You didn’t.” 

“I knew the movie had numbers in it! I just . . . couldn’t remember how many.” Steve replied, groaning. 

Unable to hold it in anymore, you let out a giggle. 

“It wasn’t funny!” But you could tell by Steve’s voice he was about to laugh as well. 

“You almost traumatized an old lady, Harrington. It's a little funny.” You said, not trying to hide your smile anymore. 

“It wasn’t on purpose!” Steve wrapped his arms around you and rolled you onto your back once more, resting his head on your chest with another groan. 

Reaching up, you ran your fingers through his hair with a soft smile. God you loved him. Ten minutes ago you’d been so exhausted you didn’t think there was a thought left in your head, but one hug from Steve Harrington and all of the stress seemed to melt from your body. “I’m really glad you’re here. Have I said that yet?” 

“Mhmm, I’m glad I’m here too.” He said, and butterflies started flying around your stomach as he leaned over to nuzzle his nose against your breast. 

Three weeks without having sex with Steve had been absolute torture, and your body lit up almost at once with his touch, but your gaze was drawn back to the door. Letting out a sigh, you stopped him. “Steve, as much as I wish we could do that right now, I have no idea when my roommate is coming back, and I don’t know her well enough yet to let her see your ass.” You joked after Steve’s hand slipped under your shirt. 

His hand moved back to a more respectful place on your hip. He pressed one more kiss to your breast that had you desperately wishing you had a single apartment, then placed his chin on your stomach, looking up at you. “Okay. What were you planning on doing tonight?” 

You shrugged, and your fingers began to massage his scalp. “Nothing really. I finished my essay so I was just planning on reading my book the rest of the night.” 

Steve’s eyes had closed as you touched him, and at your words, he turned his head so he could rest his cheek against your stomach. “Sounds good. You do that, and I’ll stay right here.” 

Raising your eyebrows at him, you couldn’t help but grin. “Are you going to fall asleep on me, Harrington?” 

“Maybe,” he tightened his arms around you, burrowing into your stomach like a pillow. “Sleep better when I’m with you.” 

“I’m not sure if I should be offended by that or not.” You weren’t. Not at all, because you knew that you slept better with him too. It was why you slept in one of his shirts every night. He didn’t know that though. 

Steve grumbled something that you couldn’t understand, but didn’t open his eyes, so you reached over and grabbed your book. 

You had no idea how long the two of you laid there. You weren’t even sure if he was asleep or not. He didn’t move much, and you were wrapped up in your latest fantasy novel. It was only when you reached the description of a boy with dark curly hair whose main language seemed to be sarcasm did you lose focus. “Hey, Steve?” You said quietly in case he was asleep. 

“Mhmm?” He said. 

“Have you seen the kids any? Max, Lucas, Mike, Dustin? It feels weird not looking after them, and Dustin . . . hasn’t talked to me much. Mom says he’s out every time I call.” 

Steve sat up a little then so he could look at you. “I think he’s joined some club at school. He hasn’t talked to me about it much, but it’s him, Lucas and Mike. Haven’t seen much of Max.” His hand brushed up and down your outer thigh in a comforting motion. “You don’t have to worry about them, you know?” 

“Easier said than done.” You said, letting out a sigh. “I feel like I’ve been helping take care of those kids my whole life, and with the way the last couple of years have gone . . .” You shook your head before looking back at him. “I keep waiting for something to happen.” 

He pressed a soft kiss to your stomach, “if it does, we’ll deal with it then.” 

You smiled at him, and started to get back to your book when Steve spoke again. 

“Can I ask you something sorta off topic, but also not really?” 

“Of course.” 

He hesitated and that made you curious. Steve didn’t often hold back on saying anything, and the fact that he was now piqued your interest. “Do you want your own kids? Not right now.” He quickly added, “I mean . . In the future.” 

This time you were the one who hesitated. You had thought about it of course, how could you not? You’d spent so much of your life looking after kids, you couldn’t help but imagine what it would be like to have some of your own. Then Steve came into the picture and suddenly the kids you were picturing had features, some of yours and some of his in a perfect mix. You couldn’t help but wonder if he pictured the same. “Yeah. Definitely.” You admitted. “What about you?” You asked even though you already knew the answer. 

He grinned, and his eyes took on a far away look, like he was picturing the future. “I always dreamed about having a big family. Kinda hate being an only child and seeing how close you and Dustin are . . . I want all my kids to have that.” 

You’d never really thought about the fact that Steve was an only child, and what your relationship with Dustin must look like to him. To know that he loved it so much it was what he wanted for his own kids made you smile. “All your kids, huh? That implies more than one.” 

“Yeah,” he said, still lost in his daydream. “I always pictured like five or six.” 

Your eyes widened in disbelief, and your fingers stopped moving in his hair. “I’m sorry, did you say five or six?” 

Your words seemed to snap him back to the present, and he grinned sheepishly at you. “I probably shouldn’t have said that part should I?” 

“No! I mean -” You didn’t ever want Steve to feel bad for telling you something. “It’s just . . . That’s a lot. I guess I never thought about the number I wanted.” And if someone had asked you outright, five or six wouldn’t have been the number that came out of your mouth. “Why five or six anyway?” 

His face flushed, and he gave you a look like you should already know the answer to that. 

Dustin, Max, Lucas, Eleven, Will, Mike . . . Hell, if you counted Erica that was even seven. Suddenly, thinking about all the kids Steve wanted didn’t seem like such a big number. “You know, for someone who claims to hate being the babysitter all the time, you sure do seem to love it a lot.” 

Steve’s body relaxed once again, and he pressed a tender kiss to your stomach. “I think it has a lot to do with my co-babysitter.” 

“Well your ‘co-babysitter’ would like to see how she feels after one.” You told him, shaking your head. 

A grin started to form on Steve’s face. He crawled up your body, leaving little kisses in his wake until he was hovering over you, his hands on either side of your head holding his weight. “Henderson . . . Are you implying that you want to have kids with me?” 

Your eyes widened as your earlier words caught up with you. You hadn’t meant to imply that, but you had. This time a flush was on your cheek. “I - um . . .” You tried to think of what to say, but the only thing you could think of was, “shouldn’t you be freaking out right now?” 

His smile grew as he leaned closer. “Why would I be freaking out? You’d be the best mom ever.” 

Your heart rate must have spiked at least 120 at that. You grabbed a hold of his hair, tugging him down to meet your lips in a passion filled kiss that left you both breathless and desperate for more. When you rolled your hips against him, Steve groaned, pulling away abruptly. 

“Come back to Hawkins with me for the weekend.” He pleaded. 

You let out a little laugh. “Steve . . .” 

“I’ll drive you down, and drive you back up Sunday. My parents are at a conference, and if I have to go back to that house by myself I might actually lose my mind.” He said, leaning down to press his lips against that spot on your neck that drove you crazy. 

“You’re so needy, Harrington.” You teased, “it’s a good thing I love you so much.” 

Steve pulled away from your neck and nuzzled his nose against yours. “You just admitted you’d consider having kids with me. I need to be inside of you as soon as possible.” 

Needless to say, you both were in Hawkins in less than an hour.

[cacoetheswriting]

Hi! Pearl is impeccable! It needs more recognition!

Not sure if you take requests for like side blurbs but I really want to know how Eddie is handling princess being away? Thank you!

hello, anon! <3 thank you very much, i appreciate you taking the time to leave me your sweet words! 😇 as for how eddie is dealing with his fav girl being a thousand miles away, think it would go something like the below - hope you enjoy!

pearl: september 1984 [drabble]

content warnings: best friends to lovers, oblivious idiots in love, adult language, use of pet names, self-doubt / insecurities, mentions of recreational drug use - unedited - if i missed anything, pls let me know!

pearl masterlist

“So princess, be honest now, how much do you really miss me?”

The question rolls off Eddie's tongue as he stretches. He’d been sitting on a stool by the wall with the phone pressed to his ear for the last hour and a half. His back was starting to hurt, though he’d gladly stay here all night if it meant I could continue talking to the girl he loved.

“If you’re curious whether I’ve finally replaced you, the answer is no.”

Your tone of voice is melodic and Eddie pictures you smiling on the other line. His heart skips a beat at the thought.

“Well, I am unique. You’ll never find anyone like me, no matter how hard you try," he states confidently.

You chuckle. “How very modest of you, Eds.”

“That’s me. Eddie Munson, king of modesty.”

“More like the king of douchery.”

“Ouch,” he dramatises, a smirk circling his lips, “are you trying to hurt my feelings, princess?”

“Maybe,” you answer honestly, “or maybe I just miss you and poking fun makes me feel like I’m there beside you.”

Eddie smiles wide against the headset. I desperately wish you were here, he thinks but doesn't dare say the words out loud in case it steers the conversation in a direction he couldn’t really avoid. Or rather a conversation he wasn’t ready to have, despite his strong feelings towards you.

“When are you coming home?” Eddie asks instead, “There’s only so many times I can listen to Pearl without you before it starts to depress me. A cruel punishment, you leaving me that tape, princess. I know you meant well, but shit.”

The two of you hadn’t seen each other in five weeks. That’s the longest you have gone without a physical interaction since the day you first met and the metalhead didn’t quite realise just how much you had positively taken over his life until you were no longer there.

School especially was shit without you. Every day felt so mundane, borderline imprisonment. Repeating senior year wasn’t an ideal scenario anyway, but having to do it all over again without you was an even bigger disappointment, to say the least.

Eddie spent his days wondering what you got up to and honestly just counted down the minutes until your scheduled evening call. Hearing your voice every night made everything better, yet it hurt him all at the same time. As you detailed your day over the phone, he held his breath while hoping you hadn’t met anyone that would come close to replacing him.

Or worse — anyone you'd end up loving.

Selfish? Yes. He had no right to keep you all to himself, especially since you had no clue as to how he really felt.

And with every day that passed, it was getting harder for Eddie to keep this secret. Once the confession almost slipped out when he was high out of my mind and you laughed over the phone at one of his rather pathetic jokes — not ideal.

So he debated coming up with a plan to finally tell you during Thanksgiving, if nothing got in the way before that. However, at the same time, was honesty really worth risking the best friendship he's ever had?

Probably not.

as always, thank you for reading! pls be so kind to reblog & tell me what you think - ily

pearl masterlist

[jpmarvel90]

Mr Tin Man

Masterlist Scarlett Masterlist

Relationship: Scarlett x Singer Reader

Summary: Y/n and Scarlett broke up when their relationship couldn't over come the difficulties both of their careers posed. Both realising what they're missing, can they find their way back to each other?

Word Count: 4354

Y/N’s POV:

It had been a year since Scarlett Johansson, and I had broken up. She was the love of my life, the woman I thought I would marry, have kids, and spend the rest of my life with. But life had other plans. It wasn’t a messy break up. No one cheated or fell out of love. We were both just in a point in our life where our careers were restricting us being able to spend quality time together. We were right for each other but it wasn’t the right time.

So, although it broke our hearts, we decided the best thing was to end it before we got bitter and angry at each other. We agreed to stay friends, but I was heart broken and any time we spent together felt like a dagger to my heart knowing that I would never have her again. As time went on, our work schedules made even meeting up as friends difficult and we eventually stopped seeing each other.

Whilst Scarlett was away filming a number of Marvel films, I had been completing my latest album followed by a world tour. I didn’t deal with the breakup well at all. I started to isolate myself and focus all my efforts on work. As time went on, I started to fall into a depression. I struggled to do the simple things and, without realising it, I had let own selfcare go. I was struggling to sleep and was not eating well. But I couldn’t see it.

The world tour was tough. We had so many shows, it felt like we were constantly travelling to the next venue. Although, at the time, I was happy as it meant I was never on my own too long with my own feelings, it took a toll on me.

Eventually I broke. I felt like I couldn’t go on anymore as I had. I was so unhappy and  I had lost all motivation to continue writing and I just didn’t see a way out of my darkness. The day after we landed back in LA, I had a meeting with my team to discuss what I would be doing next. I turned up at the office sat down and listened as they ran off a list of possible projects I could work on whilst starting another album.

“I think I’m done.” I spoke up when they finished their proposals. “Sorry, what do you mean Y/n?” Laura, my manager asked with a concerned look on her face. “I can’t carry on doing this. I used to love singing and performing, but now I feel that I’ve created a world where I no longer have control. A world where I’m unhappy, losing the people I love.” There was a silence in the room as I spoke. Shook was evident on all of my teams faces.

“I think for now, I need to take at least take a break. Refocus my life as I feel like I am losing myself. Maybe I’ll find the passion again to come back, but right now, if I carry on, I’m scared it will destroy me.” I was struggling to keep control of my emotions. It was sat here that I realised just how lost I had gotten and how deep I had fallen into a depression.

I was expecting my team to challenge me back, encourage me to do one more project, one more album. But they didn’t. As I observed their faces, they looked sad, they pitied me. Laura gave the rest of the team a signal to leave us as she stood to join me on the sofa. “You don’t know how glad I am to hear you say that.” She said taking my hand in hers.

I looked up at her shocked at her response. “What do you mean?” I asked with a confused look on my face. “Y/n, first and foremost you are my friend before my client. I’m angry at myself that it took me nearly a year to realise how much you were struggling. But when I did, I was scared that you would push yourself too hard and to a place you wouldn’t find your way back from.” As she spoke, I looked at her face, it was soft and loving, giving me comfort.

“Why didn’t you say anything?” I asked. She paused for a moment to collect her thoughts. “I considered it a lot. But I was scared that I would push you away to a point I wouldn’t be able to help you. I decided to monitor you during the last concerts and then bring it up with you when we got home.” I nodded, understanding her reasoning. She was right, I probably would have lashed out and pushed her away.

“What do you think you’ll do next?” She asked with genuine interest. “Not sure, maybe move back home to the UK, though my friends are all here. I don’t really have family back there anymore. But first I think I need to just work on me. Try and focus on getting my head and health right. Then I can think what next.” I was proud of myself that I was recognising I needed help and part of that was putting me first.

“I think that’s a very mature decision. Just know, I will be here for you every step of the way. You need anything, you just let me know, in work or your personal life ok.” I smiled as she spoke and pulled her in to a big hug. Suddenly I relief had washed over me. “I’ll put out a press release this afternoon to announce that you’ll be taking a prolonged break for personal reasons. I know you hate the press prying, so the soon we get this done, the quicker it’ll be over with and you’ll be old news.”

I nodded in agreement. I knew I wouldn’t be able to just slip away from the limelight, it would create a worse reaction with rumours and the paparazzi chasing me around trying to work out what was going on. I knew these next few weeks would be difficult, but I was finally doing what was right for me.

After a couple of months, the attention on me had died down, and I was able to focus on getting myself in a better place. I still was struggling mental, but I was taking better care of myself. I made sure I was eating properly and started to work out again. It actually became a good release for me when I was feeling overwhelmed.

I had decided that I wanted to buy a bar. I wanted to create a place where I could have live music, giving up coming acts a chance to perform. It took about a month, but I did it. I helped me to focus on something positive. I spent the time sorting out exactly what I wanted the bar to be and was so happy to be opening ‘Spotlight’.

It proved to be a great success. Every Friday and Saturday night I would be at full capacity. We had some fantastic bands and artists perform and even had a few of them be signed up from gigs at the bar. I spent most evenings there waiting behind the bar. I found a peace in the change of pace to what my life had been.

Eventually I started writing music again and would do a small set every Thursday before one of the main acts would play. Without the pressure of writing to deadlines and performing endless concerts, I found the passion again for what I had once loved.

It was now 15 months since Scarlett and I broke up. I was in a place that my career didn’t dictate where I would be or what I would be doing. I considered contacting her, I missed her in my life. Not just as my girlfriend, but as my best friend. But before I could, I saw that she had started dating Colin Jost from SNL. She was happy now and I didn’t want to ruin that for her.

I still felt the heart ache, I knew it would never truly leave, as to me she was my soulmate. But I didn’t let that pain drown me anymore. Perhaps one day I might be able to move on myself. But for now, I think I’m happy.

Scarlett’s POV:

I was a complete mess when Y/n and I broke up. To this day I regret ever suggesting that maybe we just weren’t right for each other due to our careers. I don’t think I have ever loved anyone as much as I loved her. The little time we did spend together was incredible. I couldn’t be happier. Now I’m just sad all the time. Thankfully I’m filming three Marvel films pretty close together so I’m able to throw myself into work.

I kept my eye on what Y/n was doing and even went to her concert when she visited Atlanta. I so badly wanted to call her up and say I wanted to see her. But I didn’t, scared that she would just reject me after I broke her heart.

I’m currently sat in my trailer dealing with work emails when Lizzie comes bursting through my door. “There’s a thing called knocking you know!” I scold towards her as she plonks herself on the sofa opposite me, out of breath. “Oh, come on, it’s not like I would have walked in on anything I shouldn’t.” She responded. I didn’t have the energy to argue so I just let it be.

“So, what’s so urgent that it would cause you to disturb me like this?” I asked, still typing away on my laptop. “Y/n.” She said simply. I stopped what I was doing at the sound of her name. “What about her?” I ask moving to join Lizzie on the sofa. “She’s quit. Well, taking a break, from music.” She rushed out. I sat there in shock my brain going into overdrive. “Just look.” She said thrusting her phone in my direction.

News Article:

Y/n Y/l/n quits!

Y/l/n manager today released a press release announcing that the singer will be taking a step back from her rising music career due to personal reasons. She confirmed that no further information was going to be provided, but added that Y/l/n was extremely grateful for the opportunities she had been given and hoped that one day she may return.

After a successful album release and world tour there has been speculation over why the singer has decided to quit, with many of her fans concerned for her wellbeing. So why has the singer ended her dazzling career which was reaching new heights? Keep tuned for more.

I read the article in complete shock. I couldn’t believe it. Y/n had worked so hard to get where she was. It was one of the things I loved about her, how she had a determination reach her dreams. Looking through the photos of her, I saw how different she looked. Her usually toned body was skinny and her skin was pasty. In one photo where she wasn’t wearing sunglasses you could see clearly that she had dark circles under her eyes.

“Do you think she’s sick? I mean look at the photos, she doesn’t exactly look well.” Lizzie said breaking the silence. I noticed that she also had a concerned look on her face. Lizzie and Y/n were close but after the breakup their friendship started to fade. “I don’t know, maybe? It would make sense. Oh, God what if it’s something serious.” I start to work myself up in a panic now convinced that she was seriously ill and that was why she had quit.

As my breathing started to pick up Lizzie noticed and pulled me so that I was facing her. “Calm down Scar. Everything is going to be ok. You could always call her to find out.” She said, as if I would easily be able to just pick up the phone and talk to her for the first time in a year. I just shook my head fighting back the tears.

“Oh, Scar come here.” Lizzie said pulling me into a hug. “You still love her, I never understood why you didn’t try harder to make things work. Perhaps this is the worlds way of pushing back towards each other.” I listened intently to what Lizzie was saying. She was right, ever since the day I ended things, I just wanted to call her up and say I made a mistake. But it’s been a over a year now. She’s probably moved on.

I spent that afternoon in my trailer with Lizzie holding me while I cried, worried that the love of my life was ill, and I wasn’t there for her. But me being the stupid person I am, was too scared to call or even try and make contact.

Over the next couple of weeks, I couldn’t focus on much. I was trying to take my mind of Y/n and went on a couple of dates with Colin Jost. He was a great guy, but I knew I couldn’t commit to him when I was still in love with Y/n and hopeful that we may one day find our way back to each other.

It was an article online which caught my attention which brought back all the worries that I had had about Y/n. I normally don’t read these things, but I found it was the only way I could keep Y/n in my life. This particular article was talking about Y/n being unwell and going through some form of treatment.

Like the press like to do, they analysed images of her to show her weight loss, her pale skin. How infrequently she would leave her home. There had even been some images of her going to the hospital. I had enough relying on potentially fake stories and decided that I was going to do something. I still was too scared to call Y/n but I there was one person I knew I could talk too.

Phone call (Third person.)

Scarlett: Hey Laura, it’s Scar. How are you?

Laura: Hey, I’m surprised to hear from you. I’m good thanks. How about you?

Scarlett: I’m not doing too great. I hope you don’t mind me calling, but I’m concerned about Y/n. I’m just going to get right to the point. Is Y/n sick?

There was a pause on the end of the line whilst Laura debated telling Scarlett what was really going on.

Laura: No, she’s not sick, but she has been struggling.

Scarlett: Oh, thank God she’s not ill. But what do you mean struggling.

Laura: After your breakup Y/n threw herself into work. She stopped looking after herself and it took us far to long to notice that something was wrong. I’m pretty sure she fell into depression. She even stopped writing.

There was a silence on the phone whilst Scarlett took in what she was hearing. Everyone knew how much Y/n loved to write. It was her outlet to process her feelings. The fact that you weren’t writing was terrifying, as it meant you were giving up.

Scarlett: So it wasn’t her choice to take a break?

Laura: Actually, it was. After the tour was over, she told us she couldn’t do it anymore. She admitted if she carried on, she was scared that she wouldn’t make it through. I was very proud of her that she recognised what she doing wasn’t healthy. We didn’t announce why she took a break, so it gave her time to focus on herself and get healthy again.

Scarlett: Right, that’s good she’s looking after herself again. How is she now?

Laura: She’s actually doing pretty well. She’s much healthier physically but I know she’s struggling. If I’m honest with you Scarlett, I think she always will. You were her life, I know it may not have seemed that way, but you were always the priority to her. I don’t think she’ll every truly get over you, but as long as she’s staying healthy I think she’s ok with.

Scarlett was silent. She was relieved that she wasn’t sick, but she now had new worries that Y/n still needed support mentally. She hated that she was selfish and broke things off when Y/n even when she was trying.

Laura: Scar, there’s something you should know. She opened a bar a few weeks ago. It’s called Spotlight. We managed to keep it from the press and it’s going really well for her. They have live music every night and she helps bands and artists have a chance to make it themselves.

Scarlett: That’s great, I’m glad she’s found something that makes her happy.

Laura: Once she was settled, I was sure that she was going to get back in contact with you. Deep down I think it was always her aim to be stable enough to come back to you. I’m surprised that she hasn’t.

There was another pause.

Laura: Perhaps you should visit. If you do, go on a Thursday.

Scarlett: Ok, maybe I will.

And with that they ended the call. Scarlett feeling slightly better, knowing now what she needed to do. She need to get her girl back.

Scarlett’s POV:

It was Thursday and I was dragging both Lizzie and Florence with my to Y/n new bar. I was so nervous, but I just hoped that she would at least talk to me. We got there and were seated in a booth with a good view of the stage and bar. I noticed that Y/n was serving behind the bar, chatting away with the customers.

She seemed happy, lighter maybe. We ordered some drinks and listened to the young guitarist that was currently playing. After their set was done, the DJ made an announcement. “Good evening everyone and welcome to Spotlight. Thank you to Hannah Leevers for that amazing set. I hope you’ve got your drinks and are ready for your favourite to take the stage again. Please welcome Y/n Y/l/n.”

The audience erupted in cheers and Y/n walked out to the stage and took her place at the piano. She started off by playing some of her hits and it was great. The audience were up and dancing and Y/n seemed the most comfortable I had ever seen her performing. “I forgot how amazing she really is!” Lizzie shouted over the music. “I know, but look how happy she is.” I responded, smiling at her comfort. 

“Thank you everyone. I’ve got one last song before we move on to the main act. We have an amazing band tonight which I can’t wait for you to hear. This last song is a new one that I wrote. I hope you like it!” Y/n stood up, picking up her guitar and sat on a stool by a mic. I watched slightly memorised as she started to pick at the strings.

Hey there, Mr. Tin Man

You don't know how lucky you are

You shouldn't spend your whole life wishin'

For somethin' bound to fall apart

Every time you're feelin' empty

Better thank your lucky stars

'Cause if you ever felt one breakin'

You'd never want a heart

Hey there, Mr. Tin Man

You don't know how lucky you are

I been on the road that you're on

It didn't get me very far

You ain't missin' nothing

'Cause love is so damn hard

Take it from me, darlin'

You don't want a heart

Hey there, Mr. Tin Man

I'm glad we talked this out

You can take mine if you want it

It's in pieces now

By the way there, Mr. Tin Man

If you don't mind the scars

You give me your armour

And you can have my heart

As she finished the song I was in tears. It was the most beautiful song she’s written, and I breaks me to know that it’s because I caused it. Lizzie and Flo pull me into a hug, and I notice they are both crying as well. “Go and fight for her.” Lizzie whispered in my ear. This was it. The moment I hope to change things for the better.

I pull a tissue out of my bag and wipe away my tears. Standing up and straighten out my clothes and take a deep breath before following Y/n to her office. I knock before turning the handle. “Tony, I just need a minute and I’ll be out.” I heard her sniffle as she spoke.

“It’s not Tony.” Is all I’m able to get out. She slowly turns on her spot and I can see the tear tracks down her face. “Scar, w-what are you doing here?” She asked, taking a step back to keep her distance. “That song was beautiful. I’m glad you’re writing again.” I smile, grateful that I’m in her presence again, even if it’s awkward.

“How did you know I stopped?... oh wait Laura told you.” She questioned before answering it herself. I just nodded. “I really should get back out there.” She says making her way to the door. I’m not ready to let her go, so I place my hand out and rest it on her stomach to stop. “Please don’t go.” I whisper.

She can’t make eye contact with me and just stares intently at her feet. “I’m just getting myself back together, I can’t…” She starts with a shaky voice. I interrupt her “shhh, look at me.” I take both her hands and turn her so she’s facing me. Slowly she lifts her head, and I can see fresh tears falling.

“I just want to talk. Once I’ve said my piece, if you want me to, I’ll go. I’m not here to hurt you.” She nods and allows me to continue. “I was really selfish when I said we couldn’t make things work. Part of me was being selfish as I didn’t want to make any sacrifices to my career. Which was stupid, because the only thing I’ve ever been sure of in my life was you. I got scared and I have never regretted anything as much as this.” I pause and wipe away some of the tears falling down her face.

“When I heard you had quit, I saw all these articles about you being sick and it sent me into a panic. I thought that I was going to lose you and you’d never know that I love you, that you’re my soulmate. When I spoke with Laura, it felt like a second chance. I knew I had to make things write. I know things may be to far gone, and if that’s the case then so be it, but I’m not ready to give up. I want us to try again if you’ll have me?”

It was my turn to not be able to keep eye contact. I was terrified that rejection was coming my way. “But you’re dating Colin.” She said with such sadness in her voice. “What? No, I’m not. Well, I went on a couple of dates, but that was months ago now and it never went anywhere. I was too in love with you.”

“Look, Y/n. Maybe we can start again? I don’t expect you to forgive me and for us to jump back into where we were, straight away. But perhaps we start again as a couple? I can reduce the projects I’m working on. You can start to work again.” I start to ramble, fight for our relationship.

“Scar, I’m happy…” Y/n starts and my heart breaks. “Oh, ok.” I turn to leave but she pulls me back by my wrist and I notice how much closer we are now. “What I mean is, I’m happy with my career as it is now. I love this place. Maybe one day I might want to release more music, but I know it won’t be for a while. IF we give this another go, you don’t need to make those big sacrifices. I won’t be going anywhere.”

I look up at her eyes and they are shining. My smile grows wide, and I can’t believe how lucky I am to have someone like her in my life. Before I know what my body is doing, I pull her in to a kiss, placing my hands on her cheeks as I pull her impossibly close to me. Her hands are on my waist rubbing my exposed hip bone. “God I’ve missed that.” She whispers against my lips. I chuckle in response.

“Y/n, I’m all in. You are my priority and if I need to make changes in how I work then I’ll do that. I want to do that so we can be happy. We’ll make this work. Just know I will always be here for you. Through everything.” Her smile grows to match mine and she pulls me in to a tight hug. “I love you.” She says almost afraid to say. I pull out of the hug so I can look her directly in the eyes. “I love you too.”

She gently places her lips on mine for another tender kiss which grows to become more passionate. When we need to catch our breath, we pull away. “I could do that all day.” She laughs. “So could I, but there is someone out there who is almost as desperate to see you again as me.” She looks at me with her eyebrows furrowed in confusion. “It’s Lizzie.” I say and her face lightens up. “Come on then.” I say, holding out my hand to her to take.

She follows me out and joins me back at the table with Lizzie and Flo. We spend the night catching up and laughing. I barely take my eyes off of Y/n and keep a tight hold of her hand as she rubs her thumb over my knuckles. This is where I want to be, and I will do anything to protect it.

[crashdevlin]

Losses and Gains 1- She Deserves Better

Author’s Note: This is the first chapter of Losses and Gains, the second part of To Have it All. This is Something More...from Jensen's side!

Summary: Jensen doesn't take it well when Y/n catches the eye of a certain British gentleman. 

Pairing:  Jensen x Reader, background Reader x Tom Hiddleston

Word count: 4149

Story Warnings: open marriage, mentions of depression and heartbreak, the beginnings of bad things

~~~~

I knew. When I watched Y/n ride away in that Uber, I knew that Danneel had broken something. Months of getting closer, being in love with each other, building some secret something with her...all torn down with one catty, jealous comment from my wife.

I was hoping she'd come back around but I knew that I had one shot to see her and bring her back to me. I was hoping that showing her that I was still in love even when she was clear across the continent would work. I called her every night after we wrapped. The calls were short, fifteen minutes, usually, but I managed to make her laugh at least once a day. It was a good thing. Made me feel like there was still a connection between us.

I spent my days sad and my nights dreaming of her. I missed her so much and I knew, I knew it in my heart, that she was pulling back and that I was at risk of losing her. Losing her...well, that was going to be the worst thing I could think of.

When she went to Atlanta, I was excited. She'd be alone. She'd be able to remember how being with me felt. At least that was the way I thought it'd go. I mean, especially when she actually called me at noon on the first day of her shooting with Marvel. "Hey. How's your first day on a major motion picture going?"

“Uh, it’s good. My hair is super red. My voice is already tired," she said as I sat in my recliner in my trailer. "You remember when Rich was directing and he made us do the French Toast scene thirteen freakin’ times? Nothing compared to these Marvel guys.”

I chuckled as I remembered the day a few months ago. “You havin’ fun, though? Meet any of the biggies, yet?”

“Yeah, actually. Most of my scenes are with Tom.”

“Which one?” There were several Toms in the MCU so that was funny to me.

She laughed and I smiled. She hadn't really laughed since she went home...not with me, anyway. “Hiddleston. Sinthea has most of her scenes with Loki. I have a small interaction with Stephen Strange and  two tiny scenes with Thor, but that’s it. So, I’m sadly not gonna have any screen time with Robert Downey Jr. or Sebastian Stan." She sounded so excited. "Oh, they did tell me something cool and super-secret-keep-your-mouth-shut. I get the mid-credits scene.”

I was filled with pride for her. That was a big fucking deal. “No shit?”

“No shit. Well, me and Tom, but… it’s Sinthea’s reveal, which I can’t go into because it's super-secret-keep-your-mouth-shut.”

“So, you're already callin' him by his first name, huh? I knew they’d take to you as fast as we did.”

There was a long moment of silence before she gave a little sigh. "Yeah, um, about that…Tom asked me for drinks after we wrap tonight.”

Drinks. I knew what that meant. He was making his move on her. Already, he was making his move. He hadn't even known her six hours! And she was going for it? “You said 'yes’?” I asked.

“Of course, I did," she practically squeaked.

I got irrationally pissed off. I was losing her. I was losing her to Tom fucking Hiddleston on the day they met each other and there was nothing I could do about it. But I wasn't pissed off at her…no, all that anger was directed at Dee and Hiddleston. “No, you’re right. I've got no claim to you, no right to stop you from your life. Hell, I’ve got a wife. Look, I gotta go. Bob’s calling. Talk to you later.” I was shaking as I hung up the phone. I literally hung up on her.

I jumped up and started pacing back and forth in the living room area, trying to deal with the anger. I threw my phone at the plush back of the recliner and rubbed my hand across my face as it bounced and hit the floor. What was I going to do? Was there anything I could do? I was stuck. I could only sit back and hope the man wasn't as charming as he seemed. There had to be something wrong with him, right?

"Wishful thinking, first of all. He's a complete fuckin' gentleman, by all accounts," Jared said when I told him what soured my mood. "Besides...this could be a good thing for her! She deserves a nice guy!"

"I'm a nice guy!" I argued. "She already has a-"

"Jensen, she doesn't have a nice guy in her life that can be a public part of her life and she deserves someone who won't treat her like a dirty little secret."

I clenched my jaw and my fists. "I have never treated her like a dirty-"

"The first rule of your relationship is that I'm the only person other than your wife who can know about Y/n. That is, exactly, treating her like a dirty fucking secret." Jared shrugged. "Come on, Ackles. Don't act like you don’t know how this played out for her. I told you how it was affecting her and how much worse it could get. You're lucky, and she's lucky, that she found someone else before either of you got in too fucking deep."

I scoffed. "She's not his yet. I can still pull this out. I can still fix-"

"Jensen!" His tone snapped me out of my monologue and I looked up to catch his eyes. "Stop. Just fucking stop. She's not his yet, but she's not yours either. She put up a wall and you need to respect that shit. Call your wife and work on fixing that instead."

"Are you kidding me right now? Dee is the reason that Y/n was emotionally available for this asshole to swoop in and turn on the charm! Why would I want to fix anything with-"

"Because she's your wife and you love her and she needs to be more important than your ex-mistress, okay?" Jared patted my shoulder and walked away as I processed his words.

He was right. Jared usually is when it comes to other people's lives. But I didn’t want him to be right. I just wanted to have both of the women I loved. Is that so fucking wrong?

So I switched my flight to Atlanta. I was planning to fly out Friday night to get there for her birthday Saturday, but I needed to get there as soon as possible to mitigate the damage.

Tom Hiddleston. Why did it have to be Tom Hiddleston? Why did she have to be interested in him? All that Loki energy rolling off of him.

I spent the rest of the day pissed off. Luckily, it worked with the episode since Dean was having to deal with Jack and spent half the episode irritated. We wrapped at about 1 in the morning. I was exhausted, cold, and still pissed as I trudged toward my trailer. I was planning to call her and leave a message before I went back to the condo...but my phone rang before I could get there.

"Hey." From the heavy way she said the greeting, I could tell she was drunk. It was 4 am in Atlanta and she was drunk dialing me. "Jensen, I’m drunk.”

“I can hear that," I said as I opened the trailer and stepped up into it.

“I’m drunk and I’m alone.” Alone now or alone completely? “I didn’t go back to Tom’s hotel with him, which...he's in the Ritz, by the way...because I was left with the distinct impression that you are mad at me and I don’t want you mad at me, Jay.”

Of course she thought I was mad at her and not him. She's got the self-esteem of an abused puppy. I couldn’t let her keep thinking my issue was with her so I scratched my head and sighed. "I ain’t mad at you. I know I…” Words. What words are the right words? Why do I struggle to say the right shit to her so often? “I’m married. We aren’t dating. I knew we were temporary when we started it." Which was painful but true. "I just didn’t expect you to leave me as soon as you…left Vancouver.”

“I’m…sure it’s temporary with him, too. It fuckin’ always is. Look, I’m not going anywhere, Jay. I…I’m part of the Family now, right? Even if Tara gets killed off, I’m part of the Supernatural Family. Even if we aren’t together, I’m gonna be around. Right? You aren’t gonna cut me off just because-”

“No! God, no!" The very idea of it...never...I could never. "Come on. Don’t…look, I’m not mad at you. I just really wish I could give you what you deserve.”

“I deserve a chance with Tom. Since I can’t have you…I deserve Tom. But I deserve to be your friend, too. Please, don’t take that away from me.”

I didn't think I could watch her be with him. I couldn’t stand idle as she started a relationship with him. I knew it was going to hurt too much, but still I said, “I won’t. I’m here for you. Promise.”

“Good. I have to get some sleep so…Jay. Don’t hang up on me again. It hurt.”

I shook my head at myself. I never wanted to hurt her. “I know. I’m sorry. Hey, but I’ll see you at the Atlanta Con, right? You don’t have any shooting for this weekend, do you?”

“Yeah. Definitely. The director cleared me for that weekend before I even got here.”

“Okay, great. I’ll see you then, Baby Girl.”

“Good night, Jay.”

I bit my lip as I disconnected the call. At least that hadn't changed. She still called me 'Jay' and it still made my heart thud out an extra beat.

~~~~

Clif didn't like the idea of me going to the convention alone. I was supposed to be with Jared. I was supposed to stay guarded. But I promised him that I was just going to sneak into the green room and surprise Y/n and then I was gonna grab a drink with her back at the hotel. He insisted on coming along anyway.

I made it to the con hotel about a half hour after karaoke started and I found the green room by memory from the last time we did a con in Atlanta and from there, I had a smitten volunteer take me to the backstage area. I could hear Y/n's voice as we approached. She was singing a duet, some Meghan Trainor thing I had heard her sing in the kitchen while making dinner. But instead of her singing the male and female like she did when she was frying chicken, there was another voice coming through the speakers.

I was, for the first time, irrationally pissed off at her. She brought him to our space. Conventions were ours. Conventions were for the Family and she brought this guy she barely fucking knew into our place.

I went back to the green room and started pacing. "Can you believe that shit? She brought him to a convention! She should know better! He's not one of us! Why would she bring- isn't it bad enough that he's stolen her away?" Clif just shook his head at me and went out into the hallway. He was not shy about the fact that he was on the 'let it go' train Jared was driving. I kept pacing for a few moments before sitting down on one of the couches, seething at her and at him. Tom, who walked in as I was debating leaving the con and pretending that I’d never been there. He stopped at the door and I glared at him. I couldn’t help it.

Y/n followed him into the green room about a minute later, practically bouncing with happiness. “Hey! You were amazing! Your voice is like velvet!” she exclaimed.

He gave her an uncomfortable smile and nodded toward me before he said something I couldn’t hear. She looked over at me and gasped before rushing at me. “What are you doing here on a Friday?!”

I stood up and pulled her into a hug. It felt good to have her in my arms again but I was still pissed off so I just licked my lips and stepped back. “Well, your birthday’s tomorrow. I didn’t wanna miss out on your big two-nine. Though, I kinda feel like I may be a third wheel now that I see him. I cannot believe you invited him to a con.”

She literally rolled her eyes at me and grabbed my hand, pulling me across the room toward him. “Tom, this is Jensen. Jensen, this is Tom.”

He extended his hand for me to shake it and for a moment I almost let him hang, but the look in Y/n’s eyes told me I couldn’t really do that. If I did, I’d be spurning her. So I took his hand and tried to crush it in my own. To his credit, he didn’t show any pain. He just smiled politely and nodded. “It’s a pleasure,” he said and I forced myself to nod at him.

“Right,” I agreed, as I stepped back from him and turned my focus on Y/n. “So...how about a drink, Y/n/n? I mean, if your friend doesn’t mind.”

“I agree, a drink is a wonderful idea. Should we wait until the karaoke fun is over or-” It made me cringe that he answered for her.

“Oh, we definitely have to wait for the finale!” Y/n exclaimed. “Everyone’s gonna sing ‘Carry On My Wayward Son’! If Jensen goes out to sing with us for the finale, the audience will freak the fuck out! He’s literally never here for karaoke!”

I didn’t really feel up to it. I didn’t want anyone to know that I was there except her. “Yeah, I, uh, don’t know if that’s such a good idea, roomie. I just came early for a birthday drink with you...and after you bringing your new friend, I’m sure they’ve probably had enough excitement for one night.”

She immediately slipped into her puppy dog face. “Oh, come on, Jay! The fans will love it!”

I ran my hand down my face and shook my head. “Fuck. You sure do know how to use those eyes on me, don’t you? I...guess I can do some Kansas. But after ‘Carry On’ you and I are grabbing a drink...just the two of us,” I said, hoping she wouldn’t put up any protest. If she protested, I’d just go have a drink by myself...and I thought I was going to have to do that because she looked over her shoulder at Tom, like she was asking permission.

“It’s fine. I’m sure you two have quite a lot to talk about with your...roommate. Meet me back at my hotel afterward?”

His hotel? She was staying at his hotel?

She nodded. “I’ll text you when I’m done. Just to make sure you’re still awake.”

“I’ll put on the strong tea.” He winked at her, then kissed her cheek and left.

I wasn’t sure how to deal with it. I wasn’t sure what to say. I was so full of anger and pain. “So, you’re staying with him now?”

She shook her head. “No. I’m still at the Holiday Inn Express. I did stay at the...Ritz last night. And it looks like I might be staying there again tonight.” I was so hurt and pissed off about the very idea that she already fucked him that my stomach seemed to burn inside.

“Wow, that was fast. I mean, took me months of flirting with you before we made it to the bedroom,” I snapped. I didn’t want to make her feel bad but I was pissed. I could see the offense on her face and I felt bad about it but I was too pissed off to care much.

“Jensen, I had no fucking self esteem when I met you. I-I couldn’t even imagine that someone like you was flirting with me. But...you did and...because you showed me that I was worth the attention of a...of a god among men, I was able to see it for what it really was when Tom asked me for drinks.”

I scoffed. “Oh, so you’re saying that it’s my fault that you’re fuckin’ that guy? That...stupid...British...ginger…” I couldn’t articulate my anger. I couldn’t articulate my feelings.

She looked away but nodded. “In a bit of a roundabout way...yeah. I’m sorry, Jay. It’s just...we can’t ever be more than what we were. You’re married and you love her.”

“Yeah, of course I do, but you and I both know that my love for you didn’t start or stop at the bedroom door,” I reminded her and she looked away from me.

“But the way you love her...your love for her and your kids...it’s all-encompassing. You...can’t…” She sighed and looked away from me. “Jensen, I will always love you. Always, but...I deserve to be someone’s one and only. I would never be more than a--a distraction for your long days away from home. I deserve more than that.”

“I…” I shook my head and looked away from her. “I know. It doesn’t mean I gotta like it, though. I thought we were happy with our prior arrangement.”

“We were...until...I wasn’t.”

“Because you met him,” I accused her.

“Because I realized I wanted more,” she responded.

I was on the verge of tears, my heart breaking at the idea of her wanting more than what I could give her. “I don’t think I’m going to be able to stick around for the finale. Sorry. I’m sorry. I’m just...not into it,” I said, starting to walk away.

Her hand wrapped around my wrist and I looked back at her. “Jay, please don’t shut down.”

I couldn’t hold back my anger anymore. “What do you want from me?” I snatched my hand away from her. “If you had told me ‘no’ in January, then it could’ve been okay.” No, it wouldn’t have. It would have hurt if she told me no, but it wouldn’t have hurt like this did. “We could’ve stayed friends but after everything we’ve been through...Y/n, you’re leaving me for Loki. It’s that simple.”

“We weren’t dating, Jensen!” she whispered, furiously. “I was your sex toy. I was something for you to play with when you were away from your wife!”

“I love you and you know that!” I growled and I was a little bit louder than I should have been.

“But you can’t be with me,” she whispered...and her voice was full of so much pain...and that hurt me.

Fuck, I just wanted everything to be okay. “What if I could?” I asked, before clarifying. “What if...we were really together?”

She looked around, obviously making sure that no one was around to hear what I’d said. Obviously, I wouldn’t have said that in front of anyone. She shook her head. “You’d never leave her and I would never want you to. It’s the last thing I want to be a homewrecker and she is your home. Her and JJ and A-to-Z.” I love the way she called the twins ‘A-to-Z’ but I couldn’t appreciate it right then. “I would never want to break that up. But I deserve to be with someone I can tell my family about. I deserve to be with someone for more than just the few weekends we do conventions and the couple weeks I shoot on the show. I’m not gonna be on Supernatural forever, Jay, and what then? I deserve-”

I couldn’t hear her say anymore. “I know that! I just wish I could be what you deserve.”

She looked irritated. “If I’d met you before 10 Inch Hero...but I never would have...before…” She shook her head. “Jensen, it’s just not in the cards for us. You should find someone else because...I’m moving on.”

“I don’t want another girlfriend. I want you.”

She looked away from me and sighed. “Fuck, Jay. I’m ready for a grown-up relationship. I am ready from more than just sex.”

That. That hit me harder than anything else. “Is that what you think this was? You can’t really think that’s all you and I had.”

“We couldn’t ever be anything else!” she hissed at me and I could see that she was as hurt by the whole argument as I was but my anger and hurt wouldn’t let me empathize. “We were never going to date or-or have a relationship that I could ever tell my friends or family about. I was always going to be a secret. What we did, for the past eight months, was hide in dark corners and behind bedroom doors and I knew for the last couple months that I wasn’t ever going to get more than that. I thought it was what I wanted. I thought that was less drama and it would be a good idea because the last time I tried to have something real was when I lost everything. I lost myself in Nate but I’m better now. I’m a fuckin’ adult, Jay, and I deserve-”

“I know!” I couldn’t help but lose my temper because she was right. She was right and I didn’t want to hear it. I just wanted her. Why did that have to be so fucking hard? “I get it! I’m not giving you what you deserve! But I’m not gonna stand here and pretend to like this shit because I don’t!”

“Keep your damn voice down!” she demanded, looking around nervously. I didn’t even care if someone heard at that moment. My world was crashing down. Her eyes were sad but she was breaking up with me and there was too much happening in my heart for me to care about what some fan or one of our friends was gonna say. “Fuck, Jensen...I can’t do this. If you want to push me away...if you wanna end our friendship over this…” She got a little fire behind her eyes as she stepped up closer and looked up at me. “If you wanna act like I’m fucking wronging you by stepping away from my status as your sanctioned fuck-toy, especially when I know that your wife was not as on-board as you both made it seem...Fine,” she bit out before stomping away.

“Oh, yeah, ‘cause I’m the fuckin’ bad guy here, right?! Happy birthday, Y/n!” I shouted as she disappeared into the hallway. I punched the nearest chair but it didn’t make me feel better, so I moved to the closest wall. I was about to do some damage when Clif walked in.

“The hell do you think you’re doing? Padalecki’s the one who’s supposed to get his ass hurt.”

“I don’t wanna hear it, Clif.” He scoffed as he followed me out the back door of the green room, heading toward the parking lot.

“You’re being a dumbass,” he said as soon as we got in the SUV.

“Said I don’t wanna hear it.”

“Yeah, but you need to. Am I your friend?”

I rolled my eyes. I wasn’t in the mood for a lecture. I didn’t want to hear how I’d fucked everything up. But I didn’t have anywhere to go once he started driving to the hotel.

“Course you are.”

“And you know I’ve been watching. I’ve been around. I see things a lot of folks don’t, right?”

“Yeah.”

“She was on her way out before Danneel even met her.” I glared at him in the rearview mirror. Yeah, I just heard her say the same shit, but I didn’t want to believe it. “I could see it in her eyes after you started with the lovey-dovey bullshit. As much as she wanted you, she knew that you couldn’t give her what she needed...and you can’t.”

I shook my head. “Clif...you don’t understand.”

“I do. I watch, remember? You’re so in love. I know. But now you have to give her an opportunity to have something else.” I looked out the window as he pulled into the parking garage at the hotel and parked. “I’m not going to tell you to focus on your family or any of the crap Jared’s been telling you. I’m going to ask you: does Y/n deserve someone who can shout his feelings from the rooftops, or should she stay someone’s secret for the rest of her life?”

I didn’t have to answer. We all knew exactly what Y/n deserved.

[cryley]

source: My Old Man: Tales of Our Fathers by Ted Kessler

MY DAD HAS BEEN FAMOUS LONGER THAN I’VE BEEN ALIVE Tim Healy by Matthew Healy

My name is Matthew Timothy Healy. I was born naked in north London in April 1989. I am told it was quite warm - which has been the case for most of my birthdays. I am an adult now, semi-clothed. My father spent those early years of my life working between England and Australia - back-to-back winters that had deprived him of the sun for almost four years. He told me he remembers my birthday being a bright and memorable time, golden-hued. He currently lives in the house in which I spent most of my childhood. In some ways it exists as a shrine to what once was - our family and what has been achieved. It is a feeling that is comforting and unsettling in equal measure. 

My dad, at five foot seven, a baby-turned-milkboy-turned-welder-turned-comic-turned-actor, was born in the early 1950s to parents Malcolm and Sadie, in Birtley, Newcastle upon Tyne. He lived modestly up north, as a youngster and as a young man, with his brother, John, and their dog, Smartie (a dog that would later come to head-butt my dad in a moment of jestful play, resulting in him losing his bottom row of teeth. John once threw my dad over a wall, with the assumption that the drop on the other side was of equal height to that which he’d just hoisted his little brother over. It wasn’t. He landed right on his head and has had to wear glasses ever since).

He would work between various factories during the day and at night he would pursue his dream of becoming a stand-up comedian. He is a very funny man, my dad, whose charm and passion is articulated through his comedy, and his face exudes a type of warmth that one would expect from a northern English comedic actor. He laughs like Muttley off Wacky Races and whistles inane tunes that have never been heard before, for good reason. 

My dad has been famous longer than I’ve been alive. He was at the height of his fame just before I was born, during Auf Wiedersehen, Pet. My parents being famous was always part of my reality: there are photos of their wedding with a crowd of a thousand people outside looking in, which is what their life has been like. I know nothing different, and it bled into the way I saw myself. My dad was a rags-to-riches character, so as soon as he saw a stem of creativity in me, he knew the importance of nurturing it so that I gained a sense of self. Me being creative was always emotionally, financially endorsed by my dad. 

‘You’re John Lennon,’ he’s say, from the time I was six. He expected me to be a rock star, not in a superficial sense, but A Rock Star. Mark Knopfler from Dire Straits and Brian Johnson from AC/DC would occasionally come around to our house when I was growing up so it always seemed tangible. Rock stars walked among us. Welders, too. Dad has a dichotomy between being a working-class manual worker and a bohemian actor. I remember watching a Michael Jackson video with some of his welder mates when I was a kid and them saying he was from another planet. I thought, Yeah. My planet. 

My parents always taught me that you get the good with the bad. So, if you want to live in a nice house and have nice holidays, then maybe Hello! Might have to come around your nice house or go on your nice holiday to take photos for their magazine. The Daily Mail and the Mirror went in a bit hard on my mum for a while, which was difficult for my dad as he’s not from the tabloid world that comes with being behind the bar at the Rovers Return. He had to deal with a wife who was clinically depressed, being hounded by the tabloids. What does he do to look after his wife? We got through it. And there’s stuff that people don’t know. We found a lot of security in that, knowing that they only knew so much. 

I thought about this a lot when my band was breaking. My mum is on Loose Women. That’s not credible, that’s not cool. My dad is a credible actor but he’s well known too. Am I going to be perceived as an ITV boy-band thing? In the end I had to get over it. You can’t judge musicians by what their parents do. It isn’t going to work. 

There are two things he always said to me, and always after a drink: ‘Be who you want to be.’ And ‘It’s in yer fucking bones, man!’ He empowered me. He acted in awe of me. Not in a sycophantic way, but as if I didn’t need his advice. If I had conviction, it would see me through - and that really rang true. Because I had a middle-class family I could get to twenty years old and still be working it out with the band. 

I didn’t go to university. I worked in a Chinese restaurant, which stressed my mum out. ‘Is this band thing really going to become something?’ she’d ask. 

My dad never questioned it. ‘Leave him alone, man, he’s fucking John Lennon, man.’ He believed in me unquestioningly from the moment I wrote a song called ‘ Robbers’ when I was eighteen. He bought us our first van. He converted the garage into a rehearsal space. His overt passion for us is instilled in our band. When our album went platinum all of the band made sure he got a disc. He’s the band’s dad. 

The character he plays in Benidorm, who rides around on roller skates with a wig on and big boobs, is probably the one he sees the most of himself in. He told me he based it on a combination of Les Dawson and Tommy Cooper, which is my dad incarnate. If people ask me to describe my dad I say, ‘Combine those two. That’s him.’ The slapstick he plays is quite like his real persona. He’s a very, very good actor. It’s not strange to see my dad put on a wig and be someone completely different. When it looks and feels like my dad but there’s something else going on, that’s when it throws me. It’s the subtlety of my dad in the midst of a great performance that can really mess me up. If you’re involved in the physique and the aura and the knowledge of who that person is, when the minutiae of it change it’s quite alarming.

I steal a lot of lighters, which is something coincidentally I’ve stolen from my dad. We’ve stolen everybody’s lighter we’ve ever come into contact with. Superficially, I think I’m more like my mother. I’m quite erratic. I’m passionate and emotionally driven, whereas my dad is more subdued about those things. I think what I’ve got from my dad is my fear of not being proud of myself. Those are the times I’ve seen him at his lowest, when he regrets something he could’ve done, mainly from a creative perspective. I’ve seen him cut himself up over things that I wouldn’t have imagined he’d find that relevant or important. And then I find myself doing the same over a vocal take, or some small detail in a recording, and that’s when I feel him inside me. That’s when I know who I am. 

Matthew Healy is the singer and guitarist with the 1975.

[defyinggravity-elsa-rp]

Frozen 2 Letter to Disney Animation

((Two years ago, I wrote a letter to Disney Animation about my grievances with Frozen 2, and they recently wrote me back. I will include the response in another post, but since people were asking me what I wrote in the letter, I thought I would post it here. Buckle up, because it is long and unhinged. It also gets really personal, so bear with me.))

Dear Staff of the Walt Disney Animation Studios,

My name is Laura, and I am 33 years old. You probably don’t get a lot of letters from people my age, but my love for Disney movies never wanes as I grow older. I’ve been a fan for my whole life and grew up with the Renaissance films of the 90s. As an adult, Disney is one of my favorite sources of fantasy and escapism, and I love how complex and dynamic so many of your characters are. I actually began this letter at the beginning of 2020, and have been working on it for the past year and a half because I wanted it to be just right. It also required digging into deep emotions that aren’t always easy for me to handle, so that caused delays as well. My original draft was also seven pages long, so I had to condense it.

The reason I am writing to you is to discuss Frozen II. I am a HUGE Frozen fan, and it is my favorite Disney film next to Hercules. Elsa is my very favorite character, for so many reasons. I love that she was a flawed human who had magical powers instead of a stereotypically perfect super-heroine. I also see a lot of myself in her, and have connected with her deeply since I first saw the movie. I share a lot of her traits (like being artistic and introverted), but I also saw a lot of parallels between her story and my own life. When I was a kid, I got picked on and bullied by other kids, so I spent a lot of time alone and isolated. I was very different from everyone, because I didn’t follow trends and was very enthusiastic about my likes. I was also very sensitive and wore my heart on my sleeve, which made it more fun for bullies to target me. Many adults, including my own mother, often told me to not express my feelings or interests so that I couldn't give my tormentors things to pick on me about, so I literally had my own "Conceal, don't feel" instructions. Of course, even when I tried, my emotions were always written on my face and my parents often helicoptered over me trying to help, just like in the flashbacks of Elsa trying to control her powers in her youth.

I also have anxiety and depression, which is a huge reason why the first film resonated with me. I’ve always felt like Elsa’s magical outbursts were much like my emotional outbursts— I try to hold my emotions in, but they build up more and more until I explode, and then I just beat myself up for it and every other mistake I’ve made. Just like Elsa, I have a tendency to be very hard on myself and overanalyze every single thing I do, think, and say. When Jen Lee confirmed on Twitter that "It was important to show anxiety and depression in Elsa," I felt so seen. An openly mentally ill character in a Disney movie? It was a HUGE deal and provided such amazing representation, which is sorely needed because there's so much stigma with mental health. People don't understand depression and anxiety and are so quick to judge, so to have Elsa have those conditions is so very, very important. 

Over the past seven years, Elsa has been a huge source of comfort and joy for me, especially during the dark times. "Let it Go" has been a staple song on my life, reminding me to embrace my weirdness and not hold onto the past. "Monster" and "Dangerous to Dream" from the Broadway show are beautiful songs for when my mental illness acts up, because even though they're not the happiest songs, they're still therapeutic to sing. I've often referred to Elsa as my “comfort character," because she's been such a crutch for me for so long. Watching the film, reading fanfiction, drawing/looking at fan art, cosplaying Elsa, etc. was my favorite escape from the real world and from my own head during hard times.

When the sequel was announced, I was beyond ecstatic and had such a hard time waiting for so long, but I knew good stories take time. I ate up every book, comic, or short that was released over the years, because my appetite for Frozen was insatiable, and still is. However, I will be honest, while I did enjoy most of Frozen II, there were some things that left me feeling very let down and even heartbroken, and that is why I’m writing to you. I’d like to clarify that I'm not writing this letter to make demands or hurl insults. I know all of you put your hearts and soul into this film, and I have nothing but respect for everyone who worked on it. This is just a heartfelt, honest letter from a devoted fan who wants to see the Frozen franchise continue to thrive. I want more stories, and I want people to respond to them the way they did the first movie. I want more awards for the creators more good reviews, more success other than profits at the box office. I know I'm not your target audience at 33 years old, but I still hope you will hear my feedback.

I enjoyed most of the movie. The music, animation, scenery, and visual effects were BEAUTIFUL. I liked the implementation of Norse mythology and the lore that was set up, as well as the new characters, even though I feel like they could have used more screen time and development. I liked Anna’s arc, and Olaf’s recaps were hilarious. I adored seeing Elsa interact and connect with animals (like I do), because I always figured she probably didn’t handle them much in her youth, for fear of hurting them. I imagine she would love reptiles, like Bruni, because she probably knows what it's like to be feared and misunderstood. I also enjoyed seeing her heal and grow more confident in her powers, as well as seeing her sassy side. There are honestly a lot of good things to say about the film, and I loved the themes– I just feel like they could have been executed better. I’m so sorry if any of this comes off as rude.

My first issue is with the treatment of Hans, which is probably not something you hear often. (I’ve gotten a lot of judgement and grief from other fans for liking him.) I have always enjoyed him as a character, even though what he did was horrendous and I'm glad he failed. However, I still feel he has a lot of potential as a very dimensional character, and I completely believe he is redeemable. I know the book “A Frozen Heart” by Elizabeth Rudnick isn’t canon, but I feel she did a really good job of fleshing him out. Even from the bits we get on his backstory in the movie, I just feel like he was so desperate to get away from his family that he got carried away, versus just being completely evil and heartless. Whatever his canon backstory may be, it doesn’t excuse what he did, but I still believe he’s not so far gone that he can’t become a better person.

I was so excited when Santino Fontana said in an interview in 2015 that the writers told him they wanted to redeem him, and held onto that excitement for four years. So naturally, during the charades scene in F2, when Elsa called him an "unredeemable monster,” it felt like the writers were mocking those of us who wanted a redemption arc for him. I also don't understand why Elsa danced when she saw the memory of the Duke in Ahtohollan, then waved him off like he was a minor nuisance, but when she saw Hans, she had to break him immediately. Did the Duke not send two men to try to kill her in her ice castle? I feel like the Duke's villainy is often trivialized just to make Hans look worse so that he can be bashed harder. I really feel bad for Santino, because I know he wanted to come back, and frankly, I find it bizarre no one has addressed why he didn’t return, or even mentioned missing him during the press week and premiere interviews. Josh Gad is the only one who has mentioned wanting him back.

Again, I'm not making any demands here, I know you will do with Hans as you please, and I respect that. However, I do hope that you will consider a redemption arc for him again (without killing him, though. Please don’t give him the Kylo Ren/Ben Solo treatment). I know that it would be difficult, since many fans hate him, and it would have to be done slowly to be believable, but I know you have the talent to do it. Villain redemption doesn't happen much in Disney movies, so it could really be a groundbreaking thing to do, and would teach kids so many lessons about forgiveness and not holding grudges, as well as learning from their own mistakes. Kristoff was great because he taught people what non-toxic masculinity looks like, but Hans could take that further and teach them that toxic behavior can be unlearned— that no one is too far gone and that you don't have to be defined by the mistakes of your past. However, it needs to be apparent that it’s not Elsa or Anna’s job to change him— he must do the emotional labor for himself.

My other issue with this film is one that is common amongst the fan base, for many reasons, and that is the ending. This is actually the part of the letter I’ve had to condense the most, because I don’t want to go all Alexander Hamilton on you, so please bear with me. While I certainly understand the motivations behind the decision, to show that love outweighs distance, and the directors were inspired by their children leaving the nest, I still just don’t feel like it was appropriate for this particular franchise (nor was it in-character for Elsa at all). Not only is it a theme that is currently overdone in Disney films (it was also in Ralph Breaks the Internet and Toy Story 4), but it frankly retcons the theme of Frozen. The entire first movie was about reuniting sisters after thirteen years of separation, and then this one just goes to extreme lengths to separate them again. There are so many other ways you could have had the sisters gain some independence and follow new paths without turning Elsa into a nature spirit that lives in faraway woods with people she’s literally known for a day. (Anna can’t marry a man she just met, so why can Elsa live with people she just met?) She didn’t need a new home or personality to grow.

Sure, we’re told that the sisters keep in touch and visit, but we’re not shown. The sisters are still hundreds of miles apart in the last shot, which is what sticks in everyone’s minds. Also, shouldn’t Elsa and the Northuldra have been at the statue ceremony celebrating the coming together of the two lands? Especially since the statue is of Elsa's parents, so why wasn't she there? Even more painful is the fact that the books and magazine comics set after Frozen 2 (most of which have only been released in Europe and Asia) mostly feature Anna, Kristoff, Matthias, and Olaf. Elsa is only in a couple of them, and is barely mentioned in the ones she’s not in. It feels like she’s just a secondary character now, only coming in for occasional cameos, while the focus shifts on Anna and co. This franchise is supposed to be about the sisters being together, not one sister in Arendelle while the other is nowhere to be seen.

Many kids, from what I've heard, are also upset about the ending. Not only have I heard many stories of kids sobbing in theaters, but when I cosplayed Elsa at Katsucon in February 2020, I had a little boy who kept asking me why I "ran away from Anna again." It broke my heart and the only thing that made him stop asking was to tell him I was moving back home, but still visiting the forest. I felt so sad for him. My friend also cosplayed Elsa at a costume party and her friend’s kid started crying about Elsa leaving. I also read that the Elsa and Anna face characters in the Disney parks get asked a lot about the ending too, and Elsa has to say that she visits Arendelle every day to comfort them. Face characters shouldn’t have to comfort kids about the ending of the film their characters are in.

I also don't understand why it was necessary for Elsa to stay in the woods, especially if she can hear the spirits calling to her in Arendelle, and that the Nokk allows her to travel quickly between the two lands. Why couldn't she bring the Nokk and Bruni back to Arendelle with her, and just visit the forest? (Gale and the Rock Giants could come and go as they please.) Couldn’t she have gotten her own place on the fjord, if she didn't want to live in the castle? I understand that the purpose of the ending was to allow Elsa to be free and find her own place in the world, but I feel like giving her a position of divinity and having her move into the forest with people she just met is much too drastic of a stretch, like taking a yard of tape when you only need an inch. 

Elsa living in the forest also, unfortunately, sends the unintentional message that people who are different, introverted, mentally ill, etc., like Elsa and myself, don't belong in modern society or with our families, and are better off living away from them (not that indigenous culture is inferior– it's just different). I know that's certainly not the message you meant to send, but it still comes off that way. As someone with a mental illness and relates to Elsa so much, I felt so alienated by the ending.

Of course, the part of it that bothers me most is Elsa's characterization during the entire scene. It feels like everything about her was completely changed to make her fit the ending (which I know was written first.) There was no indication in any short, comic, book, etc. that showed us she was still holding herself back or was unhappy in Arendelle. (Anna literally sings at the end of the Broadway show, “Elsa, you’re free!”) It feels like the first film told us, "Elsa learned to let go of her fears and embrace her true self and powers, and still found belonging with her kingdom and family,” and then the second film tells us, "But wait! That's not who Elsa *really* is, this is her TRUE TRUE self, and now she belongs in the magic forest because of her magic! It’s her destiny!” It’s like her powers have become her entire personality instead of a part of her. I feel like the Elsa I’ve known, loved, and clung to for the past seven years is gone. Of course, I expect her to evolve and grow, but this doesn’t feel consistent with her character. Growth and maturity don’t change your core personality like that. A lot of people, including myself, feel more disconnected from her than ever, because she feels like this unrelatable Christ-like figure on a pedestal, instead of a human with magical powers. She doesn't feel like she's on our plane anymore. 

Even the way she talks and carries herself is completely different. She talks so slowly at the end, like an all-knowing goddess as she tells Anna all that she’s learned, and it’s just unsettling. She also doesn’t seem to make her own choices or learn from any of her mistakes. Not only did she tell Anna, "The spirits decided Arendelle should stand with you," which is deus-ex-machina (divine intervention) in a nutshell, but when Honeymaren tells her, "You belong up here!" she just agrees immediately without a second thought. I do like her stepping down as queen, but it should have been presented as her choice, not just because the spirits and the memory of Idunna told her she was fated to be something else all along. (Also, if the issue in the beginning was about her wanting to choose her own path and do more than just be queen, then how is another predetermined fate any better? She's not making her own choices, she's just a vessel at this point for the spirits’ agenda, which takes away her agency.) The trailers before the movie came out made it sound like the story was going to be about Elsa finding a middle ground between her humanity and her powers, but instead it was about how she needed to go too far into her magic because she’s “the chosen one.” 

I know it’s just a movie and I shouldn’t be this distraught over it, especially a year and a half later. I actually started therapy the weekend after the movie came out because I knew that my reaction was indicative of much larger problems. While I have been working on those problems and have been doing better, I still feel disconnected from Elsa, and it still hurts. I miss her. She and the other characters have been there for me over the past seven years when real people couldn’t be bothered, and now I feel like my favorites have been ripped away. Again, I am not here to tell you what to do with your movies, nor are you responsible for my mental health, but I still hope you understand and will consider my feedback.

If there are more Frozen stories (I personally would like a Disney+ series, which would allow for more content and development than a movie), I hope that not only does Hans get a redemption arc (and belonging/friendship with the other characters) as I previously stated, but that I get my relatable, flawed, human Elsa back. I hope she’ll move back to Arendelle (with at least Bruni and the Nokk), but of course, still visit the forest frequently and stay close with the Northuldra. She and Anna should definitely explore their heritage more, and I really would love to learn more about the Northuldra characters. I really hope to see a story about her learning to balance her magic with her humanity, to find that middle ground. To have this “Yes, I have great power, but I’m still human” lightbulb moment. I basically just want exploration of the characters as humans, with their strengths and weaknesses, with their good days and the bad, and how they tackle things together, not just by sending letters via Gale Mail. (Especially with the pandemic still happening, seeing these sisters physically together would really lift some spirits. There are enough long-distance sisterhoods in real life, we don’t need them in our fairy tales.) 

Thank you so much for taking the time to read this still-too-long letter. (I promise, I tried so hard to keep it under three pages, but I failed.) I know that a woman my age should not be this invested in a Disney movie, and you may even be thinking, “This lady is crazy!” (You wouldn’t be wrong.) I also know you’re going to do with the franchise and the characters what you see fit— again, I don’t expect you to cater to me or my wishes. I just love your characters and your world so much and I hate how upset Frozen II makes me. I feel like the ending, as well as the silence from the creators of the film, have just left us fans hanging. I don’t want you to hear the criticism and think, “Oh, well I guess people are sick of Frozen, let’s not touch it again.” I want more Frozen, I need more Frozen. Again, I’m so sorry if I sound rude or demanding. I really hope to see more of my beloved sisters and their friends (including a redeemed prince) very soon. I hope to feel everything good that the first film made me feel. Thank you again for listening to me. I wish you all the very best.

Your Loyal Fan,

Laura

[philsmeatylegss]

Happy Trench Day Clikkies

I discovered 21p when I was 12 and on the brink of falling into deep depression. By 14, I spent the whole year self harming and with suicidal ideation constantly, dealing with a restrictive eating disorder (sadly still dealing with). I had a bad childhood and had recently gone through another traumatic event. I spent most of my middle school life almost sure I would not live to see college graduation. I was sure I was going to take my life before then.

By the time Jumpsuit and NATN had been released, I was finally making progress in therapy. I was on meds that were starting to work. I started wondering if I maybe could get better.

By the time the whole album was released, I was 15 (I’m now 20). This album perfectly matched where I was. In my interpretation, the album and all the dema lore is about still dealing with mental illness, but actively trying to get out of it. Something just felt so special about how the songs and lore perfectly matched where I was in life. I felt heard, motivated. I still was pretty mentally ill, but I was finally starting a journey to healing and this album represents that for me.

I’m not in my junior year of college. I’m studying to be a history teacher. I’m long healed from any suicidal thoughts and I haven’t self harmed in years. I still deal with anorexia, but I have hope I will get better. I’ve grown to a place where I’ve broken the cycle and I’m entering adulthood, though still with a fair share of my problems, I’m entering healthy. I don’t think black and white. I’m developing a personal identity. I’m getting better at asking for help or healthily expressing my emotions. I’m learning how to cope healthier as every day passes. I’m slowly but surely working on self esteem. I’m able to admit when I’m wrong. I’m able to calm myself down and not letting small things ruin my day. And just so much more that I would take a long time to cover.

I lost a friend who was a clikkie to suicide before Trench came out on December 5, 2017. Her name was Emily. She would have loved the album. She was 18 when I was 14 and was the first person I talked to when something traumatic happened. I always promised myself since then to keep her name alive, so here’s me keeping that promise. We miss you Emily.

This album symbolizes hope for me. It was a turning point of my life where I decided I finally want to live. Five years later, I can say I was successful. I made it. And this album and band is a part of that journey. I’m so thankful.

[urlocalmentallyunstablegal]

long rant incoming, i’ll be talking abt therapy, ed relapse mainly (i may get side tracked lol) really just talking to myself publicly.

so, my therapist is taking a break and i haven’t seen her since last month. she told me to text her if i need support or if i’m in crisis but we all know i’m not gonna do it bc i don’t wanna bother her. last month i managed to reach 3 months without counting calories and stepping on the scale. honestly i was so proud of myself for this. ofc i gained weight but i was finally healthier, i was not just a shell of a human being. i was actually alive. but since i stopped restricting my anxiety become terrible to the point where i can’t go out by myself without headphones. i started getting more frequent panic attacks (which are honestly both physically and mentally draining). i feel like im trapped in a cycle - i manage my depression and anxiety, then i relapse in my ed, i work on my ed, my anxiety gets worse, i use all kinds of relief techniques, nothing helps, so i relapse again to numb my emotions. the day of my last therapy session i had to go to my hometown bc we had to do some renovations for the apartment we’re giving out for rent. we had to stay in a family friend’s house. i love her but she’s just so insensitive to me and my struggles. like she’d constantly say things like “oh your hygiene is terrible” “oh are you really eating this”. of course she had to make comments about my body and how i’ve gained weight, she also asked what happened with the diets i was doing. while we were there we met with my dad’s aunt and she also made comments about my body and how i’ve gained weight. and the thing is i was having pretty bad time with my body without all these comments from my relatives. i genuinely felt so uncomfortable about the weight gain. the day after we got back home i relapsed. i’m counting calories again, i’m avoiding high cal foods, fear foods start to appear again. i was in denial about my relapse but now i have to admit it - i’m relapsing and i hate myself even more. i genuinely feel like i’m such a failure. i’ve spent over 2 years in therapy and it’s all the same cycle over and over. i’m forever grateful for my current therapist bc she saved me from the darkest times of my life. i was actively suicidal and she was the only one who agreed to work with me despite my resistance to get better. i don’t remember much of this time period but she has told me that she was worrying about me in between sessions and every time i was 5 mins late she thought of the worse situation possible. anyways. now i just feel like i’m wasting my time and her time. what am i even doing? will things ever get better? and the thing is i want to recover at some point. this lifestyle is not sustainable. the health complications are not a joke. i’ve ruined so many relationships bc of my mental illness. i’m missing out on so many things. but i’m just terrified of letting it all go. i can’t deal with the weight gain. i can’t deal with all the emotions. what’s the point of even trying to recover when i’ll always end up in the exact same shitty situation?

[joseopher]

HELLO, LADIES, WORMS, HOMOSEXUALS

As we know I check the novacaine tags daily

GOD COMPLEX CONTINUATION

GO READ IT HEEEERREE: complex mind, simple life

WHY YOU SHOULD READ THIS FIC:

REINA AND CALLUM MOMENTS

Friendships <3

Second chances

Callum is pathetic but also depressed

Spoilers! Spoilers! Spoilers! Spoilers! Spoilers! Spoilers! Spoilers!

"Callum felt immense relief when Reina called him. He answered on the first ring. Then cursed himself for acting so desperate."

HE MISSES HIS BEST FRIEND </3

"Callum wasn’t unfamiliar with the lingering, heavy sadness and emptiness in his chest. In fact, depression wasn’t that unfamiliar to him either. It hadn’t always been his own depression he was accustomed to, but he was quite used to the numbness it brought with it. Sometimes in the deep of the night, he’d close his eyes and think back at a time when he didn’t feel numb all the time. Most of those times, his head would circle back to Tristan . Then he’d get up, order himself a drink and drink until his eyes fell shut again."

AWWWWW MY POOR LITTLE GUY

"The last person he spent the night with was, well, Tristan. The name needed its own trigger warning at this point."

TRIGGER WARNING: ❗❗❗TRISTAN CAINE❗❗❗

"But Reina just let out an amused noise before she tightened her grip on him and settled into the mattress. Callum let himself relax enough until he fell asleep. There was no mocking him the next morning. There were no teasing questions about him always being the little spoon or not. Reina didn’t treat him as if he was weak or fragile. And the next night, Reina wordlessly rolled on her side and threw her arm around his body again when she went to sleep."

I'm going to cry /pos

“Reina asked me to come with her to visit you because she was worried about you. And I thought she was overreacting because no one ever worries about you,” she started. Callum felt a stab at that statement. It was true, so why should he feel so terrible about it?

“But this isn’t you. What’s going on? Is it because of Tristan?” 

“No,” Callum said. Because it wasn’t about him. It was about Callum . Everything about himself was what was wrong. He was wrong."

This is exactly what depression is like...

👁️I FEEL SEEN👁️

"Eventually, even Nico and Libby contacted him. Libby sent him a postcard from London. Telling him she got his address from Parisa and that she wished the card would be a nice souvenir for him to have in his house. He hated how sappy it was. It was a hideous card with the big ben on it. He hated it. He hung it on the fridge."

HE HUNG IT ON THE FRIIIIDDDGE

"Of course, they asked Tristan to come then. Tristan would come, he’d fix Callum’s bad mood and everything would go back to normal again. Tristan would again just do whatever anyone asked of him. He’d learn to deal with the annoying pathetic little shit that was Callum Nova because no one else wanted to do it. That way everyone was unburdened and Tristan had someone to fix and to fuck. That was all he was good for anyway. "

THE WRITING IS SO GOOD!! MY HEARTSTRINGS!!

“You’re gonna burn the onions,”

“I’m not expecting you to pay me or anything. I just came to see you,”

“I didn’t invite you,”

“You didn’t have to. I’ve always wanted to see you. Ever since we left the palace,” Tristan said. Callum didn’t look at him, instead looking at the pan again.

“The onions,”

Callum: ohhh noo lets not have an emotional conversation, tHe oNiOnS TrIsTaN ThE OnIoNs

(I love him <3)

“We’re not having sex tonight. I said we could start with you staying one night, but that is off the table,”

“Saving that for marriage?”

“Definitely."

*dies of laughter* /pos

“Of course not. Why would I go through so much trouble just to get into someone’s pants?”

“Cause I’m good in bed,” 

HAHAHA THEM <3

"Nothing like how they used to be in the palace. There were no roles they both fell back into when they were together again. And Callum was grateful for it. Maybe it could mean a new start."

KUDOS! KUDOS! KUDOS! KUDOS! KUDOS! KUDOS! KUDOS!

I LOOOOOVE ITTTTTTTTTTTT

SO SAD AND SWEET AND AHHHHHHH

[amalgamatey]

I haven’t been part of a “fandom” since about 2014 when I quit writing fanfic cold turkey and started writing exclusively original content. Not to toot my own horn but I was a pretty popular fanfic writer, and I still get comments on my AO3 to this day. I wanted to focus on my own work and get published though, so I had to put fanfic aside.

Well, after an unforeseen rocky road, I think I’m becoming mired in fandom brain again and I don’t know how to feel about that, considering I turned 35 yesterday and fandom has been notoriously aggressive towards “old people”

I decided to write down my thoughts on it, and it’s helped a bit.

In 2015 I got onto SSRIs for severe depression and anxiety and by 2016 I wasn’t writing anything at all. I was consuming media but I wasn’t enjoying it, I wasn’t thinking about it, and I wasn’t thinking too deeply about my own original works despite having finished my first rough draft in 2015 - arguably the hardest part of writing. I thought I was getting old, or work was getting in the way, or any number of other issues. Interests change, yknow? Maybe I wasn’t a writer anymore even tho I’d been writing since I was a little kid.

In 2020 I suffered a work injury that I deal with to this day, and ended up getting into therapy where I was diagnosed with ADHD and medicated appropriately.

In 2022 I was diagnosed with breast cancer and the traumas that came with that kind of ruined my life. Two years of that battle and I’m on the other side climbing out of the looming threat of death. I’ll be dealing with the side effects the rest of my life, but I’m making it work.

In May of this year, I talked with my psych and we dropped my SSRIs entirely because I wanted to see if my ADHD being properly medicated would mean I didn’t need the other medication anymore.

When I tell you my world opened up, I was seeing colors I hadn’t seen in years, I had feelings again, I was crying again. I had spent at least eight years without crying more than once or twice a year. All of my feelings were far away, distant things that had very little effect on me. Getting off of the SSRIs absolutely blew my world wide open again. I started thinking in stories, feeling and thinking about content again.

I started to think about the shows and movies I was watching. Really thinking about them, the characters, the imagery and the structure and the symbolism behind everything.

The first series I got really into was Shadow and Bone (Netflix), watching it a few times and building little scenarios in my head. I started to hear songs that made me think of characters. I started to wonder what would happen in different situations. I bought the books and stayed up all night to finish them, something I also hadn’t done since 2015.

Now, I’m absolutely brainrotted by Our Flag Means Death to the point that my phone just auto fills in the title when I’ve capitalized “our.” I’m obsessed because OFMD is like the fanfiction I read and wrote years ago. It’s a story with dark and emotional content while still being goofy and silly. For goodness sake my favorite episode is “the torture episode” which is so dark but somehow maintains an air of light comedy. It’s all the best and most amazing parts of fanfiction that I remember.

So while I may feel weird being 35 in fandom spaces, I’m desperate for more OFMD content and theories and stories and it feels like I’m finally becoming myself again after so many years. Age wasn’t stopping me from engaging with content in the ways I always had, it was medicating my crippling depression and anxiety to become a shell of a human.

I’m still fine tuning my medication with my dr but I’m feeling so much better about life, the universe, and everything. I might even dust off my AO3, finish the few works I still get begged to finish, start writing for the Greg-verse and OFMD. Just enjoy the creative process again.

Who knows. It might be fun.

[suzyqrara]

01/06/2024

I woke up at 2 AM today and I hear my sister sobbing in the living room.  I could tell she was trying to keep it down.  It could be worse; she could have been hollering murder. I have so much hate for her right now.  It would be different if she was open to getting help but she gets too defensive when you bring up going to the doctor/seeing a therapist/working towards not crying all night and sleeping all day. Basically, we must just deal with her crying and sleeping all day, doing nothing with her life and being depressed. I don’t understand how she is OK living this way- never worked, no hope for any future with any anything/anyone, dying alone.  How can she not naturally try to work on herself.  This is what angers me.   Hearing her cry will forever haunt me.  It’s the most annoying ass cry I will ever hear.  She cried for over two hours last night.  Even with the earplugs on, I still hear her stupid cry.  I suppose you get used to it after a while, but I don’t want to get used to it.  I want her out of my life.  I want this whole family out of my life.  I don’t want to be a part of them.  I want to rip my genetics out and throw them into the wolves.  I get angry at GOD too.  I feel like if I don’t help my sister not be homeless once my dad dies, I will go to hell.  I feel like a monster for hating her cry and not being compassionate.  But to be fair, I was compassionate when I first heard her stupid cry.  I ran to help her.  My heart wanted to comfort her and be there for her but her response to my compassion made me want to throw something at her face so she can be unconscious and shut up! For the last two hours I’ve been researching the cause of crying for hours, how to find compassion for someone who annoys you but is hurting, how to get someone help if they don’t accept it.  I tried resting and then 20 minutes after she stopped crying, she’s back at it again. 

She slept all day yesterday.  She drank the night before, cried for 3 hours in the early morning and then slept from 5am to 10pm. I can’t deal with this now and I can’t deal with this when my dad dies and I am left with making a decision to support her or not. I am making this about me, I understand, and I feel like a monster, I do.  But I am angry.  I am angry at how depressed she is and how there has been no progress or regress in the last 20 years. I can’t find sympathy for her in my heart.  She is choosing to be like this.  This is a choice for her.  She doesn’t care how much it hurts my dad when she’s cursing at him or how much pain she brings to people with her defensiveness when are trying to help her. I believe she is content with her life and she does just enough to make it seem like she is too crazy to work but not crazy enough to cause an episode that will get her evaluated. I’ve offered help for her.  I ‘ve offered to go with her to a disability organization that helps people find jobs, I bring up going to the doctor, I’ve talked to her about her future and it led to some stupid fights that made my heart harden for her entirely.  She deserves someone to come to the house and force her into the car to get help since she spent 37 years not doing anything at all.  Not helping anyone and just rotting in her room.  

I’m listening to her cry. Cant you cry like a normal person?  No because you are not anormal person. I don’t know what to do with this person in my life who will be in my life forever.  Who will probably outlive me because she doesn’t do anything with her life. IBut I will feel terrible for the things I’ve thought about so I need to pretend like I know Ellen will die soon.  Will this make my compassion appear?  Will my heart soften for her knowing she will be dead in 5 years?  I wish something would just happen to her.  Her getting sick? Or her getting high?  Just something to make her brain busy. She literally has NOTHING TO CRY ABOUT.  She has everything given to her.  She gets to scream and shout, sleep, and sob all she wants and no one will stop her. Her brain is so deterioted, I remember a dream I had of her as a pre-teen. I know that was a dream of Ellen’s soul, her real soul leaving my life.  I don’t know wtf is in her now but she used to have a personality. She used to have a future.  She used to be a person to me. Now she is just a shell with some alien in it. The dream was the sister that had hope she started getting skinnier and skinnier right before my eyes.  She was deteriating right before my eyes.  I cried so much in that dream.  I woke up crying.  Then my brain made me dream another dream saying this was just a dream, don’t cry. Everything is ok.  But it wasn’t ok, Ellen was gone after that.  She got worse and worse and now this is all of our life. Ellen used to be smart.  She used to edit my papers for me, I remember.  I used to trust her grammar and I would be so thankful she was there to edit my papers. We used to laugh together.  This is of course when she was an older teen, and I was a pre-teen. After Ellen was like 18, she was gone. I hate this Ellen so much.  You know what would kill me.  If I was given the chance to speak to the old Ellen and really see the difference of what we have now.  That would be the most beautiful thing and saddest at the same time to see what she was and maybe have an image of what she could have been? Talking to GOD feels like I am not heard.  It literally just feels like I am talking to myself, and the words are going into thin air and thats it.  Its 6am and I must start my day. Why was I born into this family? This family impacts my whole being.  I feel less value because of the family I am from. I know I don’t need to give my family this much power but for every failure I feel or rejection, I can’t help but get the confirmation I feel from the devalue I feel of being part of my family.  Every failure and rejection reminds me of where I came from.  I came from nowhere; I came from a retard father and mother that have no meaning in their lives.  The fact that I am single confirms it all.  I am just as loser as these stupid people that I was given as a family. I wanted to take matters into my own hands. I had dreams as a young girl that I will make my own family and I won’t ever need to look back at my train wreck of a family.  God must have been laughing me dreaming that dream because I can’t get a date/ keep a man interested in me for the life of me.  So there goes my dream of having many children so they don’t have to live this depressing life alone.

Now I have to get out of bed and pretend like she doesn’t annoy me.  I will go out and start getting ready for my day while she gets to rock back and forth with her stupid scarf around her eyes listening to me walk around. I’ll have to say, thank you to her for doing absolutely nothing but preventing me from sleeping and overstaying her welcome as I leave and say have a good day when I just wish she would make a day out of it.  I get to see her ugly milk downed coffee on the counter in a mug that is placed on my small plate. Wtf does she do that.  She uses a mug to drink her nasty sugared up coffee and places it on a plate.  And adds a spoon on the side like it’s a tea party.  She probably ate another launchable.  She literally has cooked food in containers in the fridge and chooses to eat processed food that isn’t even a real meal with her coffee. This will haunt me even after she dies.  I could have helped..how I don’t know…but I didn’t use my time to help her while I could.  I chose to stay away from her because she brings out an evil person out of me.  A hating person.  How can I help?   I have snot all over my t-shirt because I used that to blow my nose writing my thoughts out. I have so much to do…figure this crap out for my sister and dad, figure out my life insurance since it is expiring soon, figure out my stupid goals for this job to tell Karen and it still won’t be good enough for her because I am me. Nothing wrong with being me, but Karen had higher expectations for me which I cannot meet, call masons health insurance because they are saying I’m past due on a payment when they just took 1800 out of account…a few other things I cant remember. When will I have time to do this?  Students keep making appointments with me…like yesterday my schedule was empty and today, the whole week is full.  This is my job and it’s annoying me. This is the scenario that will happen if I go out there.  I think my voice is annoying to her so I’ll come out and says “Ellen?”  She will let out this most annoying noise that resembles a ‘huh’ but not really a huh.  I will say, “I hear you are crying, can I help you.”  “NO! leave me alone.”  OR she would say …hgh…make some noise like a neanderthal while still rocking, “im ok, leave me alone”.  If I push it, let’s say.. I sit down on the computer chair and say, “ I would like to stay here with you.  I am here if you need to talk.”  She will rock in silence for whatever time.  Of course, I can’t stay long because I need to get ready for work.  And so that was the scenario.  Didn’t help a thing, annoy the shit out of me, and she will be off to crying for hours stop and then cry every 20 minutes.  It never leads to anything.  It either leads to a fight or nothing at all. And that is what is frustrating.  Hearing her..hhgh.. noise will irk me.  I will say, “can I get you anything”. Ellen: “hghh”…If I even bring up help….”Im fine!” she will say while rocking like a whale out of water. Your obviously not fine you moron.  Stop saying your fine and get help!!!! I hope she doesn’t wail during the day with the neighbors listening. 

[s0larb4by]

Dude, I hate life so much right now. I hate where I'm at, I hate where things are going and how things are going. I hate that I keep spending so much on food and stupid stuff not even on clothing, I hate that my bank balance is decreasing. I hate that I've lost so many people that I've always wanted to have in my life on a long term basis. I hate the people I have around me. I hate how I'm turning to be. I hate that I'm depressed and that I'm not taking care of my body at all and most of all, I hate that I'm in April 2022, I wanna go back to August 2021 or even Jan 2021 so fucking bad. I wanna go back in time to redo every single thing, man. I hate shit so much right now. I hate the nightmares I've been getting, I hate that most of my manifestations haven't been coming to fruition. I hate that I'm really fucking indecisive. I hate that I'm dumb and can't get myself to learn or become street smart whatsoever. I hate where I'm at in life and how I am so much rn.

I would be more than grateful if you could help me or guide me with restarting manifestation, revising almost every single thing and becoming successful with it all, learning to manipulate time in order to go back in time, getting a really good bank balance out of thin air, getting everything and anything that I want, please. I really need the help. Please help me out.

Hey :) sorry for taking a literal year to reply, lol.

For one, please consider therapy. Your mental health always comes first. If you haven’t talked to a therapist or some other mental health professional about this, please do. You don’t have to deal with this stuff on your own, and it’s not a failing on your part by any means. You’re not dumb, you’re just struggling at the moment and that isn’t your fault. You’re dealing with a lot and it’s okay to be overwhelmed but it’s not okay to bear the weight of all of it by yourself. In my personal experience, talking to a therapist has been really useful for me in understanding how my own thoughts and feelings work, and it has really helped me when it comes to processing and dealing with some of the more difficult or upsetting things that I have had to go through. I mention my own experience because you sound a lot like me. As someone with ADHD I’ve also spent most of my life feeling dumb, feeling like I’m lacking common sense (that street smart shit), feeling depressed and anxious for most of the same reasons you are, being impulsive as shit, etc. Idk if you’ve been diagnosed, but if not do consider. It helps to know that you’re not a useless being but just someone with a brain that works differently, and had to grow up without the resources to live in a world controlled by people who’s brains work opposite of yours. Getting help works. When you have a safe space to process all of these feelings and situations, and are given tools to handle them, it gives you a much clearer mind to then think about manifestations. I’m just saying. And the way I see things, you already have all of your desires, it’s just a matter of shifting to the state of seeing it all. Since you have all your stuff, is it not better to take care of yourself? There’s nobody more important than you.

Two, usually when I used to feel similar to this I would go back to the basics. Consider reading/listening to Neville and Edward Art or Joseph Murphy I think his name, something similar, and leave loa social media alone. It causes a lot of confusion and out of confusion comes disorder in the mine. Hence why I’m never here. (Sorry for replying so late again 😭💀) When I do this, I can usually think clearer and my mind feels more at ease, I feel more confident in what I’m doing and I can get into the states I want to better. I’ve also heard guided meditations and meditation in general are helpful as well, and although I’m by no means even an intermediate in that, I think you should try it out.

Give yourself grace, OP. You’re being mad hard on yourself. Instead, take time to take care of yourself. It’s not a race. Do it not because you want to “fix” yourself as soon as possible, but because you deserve love and care—especially from yourself. You’re not dumb, you’re not stupid, you’re not dirty, you’re not worthless. You’ve got this, okay? I believe in you. I hope I was able to help, even if it was only a little bit :’)

Sending you hugs 🫂

[brokenbones-singsongs]

Things that bother me that I don’t bother speaking about

1. Nothing fits me anymore. None of my clothes. Certainly none of my dresses. Nothing. I’ve gained so much weight since December that the $200 dresses I bought for my brothers wedding etc. this year don’t fit and the wedding is next week. I feel disgusting. I don’t take pictures anymore. I rarely ever wear anything but sweatshirts and yoga pants and I can’t buy anything from my favorite store literally ever anymore.

2. Because of the above, it’s taking everything I have in me not to fall back into my 15 year old selfs habit of just ✨not eating✨ but still working out and running miles every other day just to feel like I was skinny enough for it to be acceptable. I think about it every day and quite honestly it’s very hard for me to eat more than one meal without hating myself. Groceries are too expensive to manage an actual diet and be healthy. I have no extra income. It’s hard and frustrating and unhealthy and I’m exhausted and I HATE myself.

3. I spend every single one of my days wondering how my best friend of six years could just leave and not tell me why.

4. I also spend every single day thinking about how I ruined another girls life both entirely on accident and on purpose because even after I found out the truth of things I still pursued. I’m literally the asshole I swore I would never ever be.

5. I wonder all the time if I’m going to wake up one day and be told by my husband that he hates the way I show love and always has and he doesn’t know why he married me (because it happened before) and I don’t think I’ll survive another heartbreak like that

6. I want to do something constructive with my time like a regular yoga class or a gym membership somewhere structured and take care of myself and whatever but I can’t because I am a mom and it’s expensive. I’m lowkey resentful of my fiancé for having jiu jitsu even if he gets paid to do part of it. He gets to fuck off for several hours every week and do what he loves and I just…don’t. Ever. I’m always at work or always a mom and even when I go out with friends etc. I’m still a mom. I have to take the baby everywhere and I’m tired and I just want to exist outside of being depended on literally every second of the day. There is no reprieve.

7. I don’t like one of our dogs.

8. I’m not even sure I want to have any pets ever again after the ones we do have are gone. They’re like kids and some days it takes everything in me to get out of bed and pay attention to them.

9. I quit my job partly for money but mostly because I have a debilitating fear of failure and the moment I started getting micromanaged over missing the expiration on some fruit despite spending an entire day going above and beyond to be as perfect as perfect can be…something shifted and I spent days wanting to throw up over the stress of fucking up again. I can’t do it. I’m also beyond sick of the “social media content” I’m supposed to create EVERY. FCKING. DAY. Work isn’t they interesting and put menu rarely changes. I can’t take 900 pictures of the same damn thing. 3-5 images a day is asinine and I hate myself so why would I post videos of myself doing anything? Look like a gd land 🐋

10. I want to tell a lot of people to stfu up and I literally don’t care when they tell me their problems. Like literally 99.9% of people. I’m so tired of negativity and always having to try to figure out how to respond without sounding disingenuous.

11. I didn’t think I was depressed but nothing is bringing me Joy or has in a long time. I’m simply existing and dealing in a neutral state and idk if that’s testament to the coping skills I learned year ago or if I’m just in a weird kind of autopilot. But the more time goes on the more I start to realize I might actually need professional help.

12. I’ve started stuttering and having a harder time getting words out in the last year or so and I wonder if something is amiss. They thought I had a stroke when I was pregnant that was really just a horrible migraine…but what if something is really off?

13. I think I fucked up by not getting my tachycardia meds refilled thinking it was only exacerbated by pregnancy and I’d be fine because I’ve almost passed out several times lately. The cause could also be I’ve gained my baby weight back. It’s stupid and I’m worried. I like that it still beats and I’m alive.

That’s all for now.

[harmonizewithechoes]

.

[whenfatecollides]

a bit of a vent/update (it’s heavy). I’ve always dreaded the ‘where do you see yourself in 5 years?’ question because I honestly have never been able to picture anything for myself that felt real and tangible and something that I could actually want and achieve in the future. I would be like ‘yeah I want to be dating my future girlfriend by then’ or ‘yeah I want to be working a job that I actually like’ or ‘yeah I want to feel like I’m doing something meaningful with my life by then’ but it was all very superficial in a way, it felt like I was saying rehearsed words and although those are still things that I want, there’s a lot more detail to them now. tbh since I finished high school (almost 10 years ago at this point..) that I’ve felt really behind in life compared to my friends, and other people in general, but at the same time it took me 14/15 years to actually figure out what happened to me when I was a pre-teen and why I spent 10+ years of my life crippled by depression, so all things considered I think I came out of all that pretty okay. I started therapy about 5 years ago and altho it was a slow progress, I can at least say that I’m not on the verge of feeling suicidal anymore. I think being a teen on tumblr in 2010-2013 definitely didn’t help much with that either, the romanticisation of depression and self harm back then was Real and the last thing I should have been exposed to at the time. it was to the point that I actually tried to kill myself when I was 16, right before a family trip. I can talk about this now, but I can tell you all as well, this was a root of deep shame for me until 2020, when I finally had the courage to tell my mom and siblings about it, because it made me feel so ungrateful, stupid and generally a shit person for not appreciating everything good that I had, while at the same time it made me hate myself for not actually going through it fully, to the point that I always thought that I would take this to my grave without letting anyone know. at this point, I’ve forgiven myself for it and acknowledged that, despite how hurtful it was, this is a common pain and, unfortunately, many people know it too. No matter how much I convinced myself of it back then, I was never alone in that pain. At the same time I made really great friends here (some I’ve been friends with for over 10 years now), even met some of them in real life, and it was overall the place that made me feel comfortable enough to consider (and accept) that maybe I wasn’t straight. so not everything was bad.

it was a few weeks into 2022 when I finally figured out what had happened to me, why most of who I was so deeply lost in shame, to the point that it felt like I had been drowning most of my life. there were several things that contributed to it like, giving up who I was out of pressure to please my family (until I was around 23 - constantly hearing ‘you should let your hair grow’, ‘you should dress more like a girl’ etc etc when you’re a 10 year old really does a number), giving up the things I loved in order to pass as “normal”, my father not being emotionally available (or simply available in general tbh - unfortunately too common as well), my mom having to take care of 4 kids and therefore not really being emotionally available either, dealing with womanhood, puberty and all those nice, not at all confusing and hard, things by myself because I thought that if I could just ignore it it would not be real (a nice not at all dumb trait I got from my father - thankfully I’m over that), consequently emotionally abandoning my closest friends bc of all that further isolating myself. and I could go on and on, but the reason why I’m saying all this is that maybe it can spark a light in someone else too. Until this year, I thought that nothing had happened to me, that I had no reason to feel the way I did back then, and it was suffocating to think that while the pain I felt was very real. and you may ask ‘okay, where does shame come into the picture here?’ so here’s a few that I could identify from the things I said above - shame for my sexuality (giving up things I loved to pass as “normal”), shame for being gender non conforming (pressure to please my family), shame for not feeling connected with my parents (having friends who do have good relationships with theirs), shame for not having the life they expect of me, shame for not having the life I think I’m supposed to have to “impress” my friends, therefore hiding away, isolating myself, further convincing myself that no one else was going through the same. until I realised that, of course, I would never find other people talking about how they felt the same, because we were all hiding away.

this isn’t a story about how suddenly I’m cured from depression or anything like that, there’s still days and days, but figuring out why I felt the way I did back then was a major step towards finding healing, and I feel like I’ve been changing very rapidly over the past 5 months because of it. recognizing that my self-criticism was doing more harm than good (I wouldn’t talk to my friends the same way I talk to myself sometimes..), that I can choose self-compassion instead, and the good-old exercising, journaling, reading, eating and sleeping well, really made major differences (as well as keep going to therapy of course, it was important to have someone trained to talk about the really heavy and more complicated stuff).

in the end, this has been a journey towards (re)finding myself, and I finally have an answer to the question that I found so dreadful ‘where do you see yourself in 5 years?’. and for the first time in my life, I’m not afraid to try, I’m not afraid to fail, I’m not afraid of the set backs I may face. for the first time in my life, I can actually picture a future for myself, and I’m actually excited to see myself getting there. I don’t have it all figured out, but I do know that I’m persistent. in the end, I think this is also a bit of a letter to everyone who’s lost in life, I’m currently 27 and I’m now figuring out a path that I might actually enjoy to take and that makes sense to me. If you’re like me, you probably also feel like you’ve run out of time and that there’s no way you can still turn your life around, but to be honest, who really knows how much time we have left? You make a little bit of time now, and deal with tomorrow, 3 months, 5 years from now, when it comes. I have no idea what turns life will still take and where I’ll end up after all, but I do know that recognizing my pain, owning up to the shameful feelings I had (and still have), accepting my feelings and thoughts as they are (failing a lot and trying again), definitely took me from a drowning person to a vivid swimmer. I’ve always liked to share my thoughts here, but recently having the number of followers increase on this blog has made it feel quite... intimidating to share pieces of my life like before. still, this was something I felt was important for me to share, even if just to say, feeling lost and behind in life is a normal part of the human experience.

[owl232]

Sally Face fic

Chapter One

A/n: This is a au so lots of stuff won’t match up with the game. Everyone in this is 18+ and it takes place in modern time.

Also I’m tired of every fic I see of Sal the reader is taller than him like bitch I’m 5ft tall on a good day he’s a solid six inches taller than me and I’m OVER IT. So y’all are gonna be SHORTER THAN THIS MAN BECAUSE I SAID SO.

Warnings: Probably will be some smut. Yandere tendencies (cause I like my men with some spice) Mentions of anxiety, depression, gore. Just beware this fic won’t be 100% light hearted ima try to be realistic about some stuff.

————————————

You just moved into the Addison Apartments. It was a really cheap place, and with how broke you were, you couldn’t miss the opportunity. It was honestly absolute luck for you to find such a steal so quick. You knew there probably was a catch in some way though, but you’d deal with it when the time came.

You weren’t happy with moving but it’s not like you had much of a choice after what happened…

Sighing to yourself, you spent a couple hours moving all your boxes and furniture inside the apartment, and then you started working on unpacking.

You didn’t have much anymore, so it probably won’t take long to do thankfully. Starting in the kitchen, and making your way through the house unboxing what you owned, the little apartment started to look more moved in.

Standing there and looking around, it made you feel somewhat sad. This is what your life was going to be now. You only had yourself and it would have to make due from now on…

Interrupting your thoughts, you felt your stomach grumble with hunger. Remembering you saw a vending machine downstairs, you grab your keys and some money, and walk out the front door locking it behind you.

Walking through the hall towards the elevator looking down, you shove your keys in your back pocket and the money in your front one.

You were startled when your head suddenly hit something hard causing you to let out a little ‘oof’ and stumble backwards a bit. You bring your hand up to your head and scratch it a little as you look up, meeting a pair of blue eyes and a mask. In front of you stood a man in a black hoodie and red jeans, his hair in two pigtails, and on his face, sat a white mask with a bit of pale pink on it.

“Oh god sorry I wasn’t watching where I was going…” you say, redirecting your eyes to the wall and biting the inside of your cheek feeling embarrassed. “It’s fine. I wasn’t paying attention either….I don’t think I’ve seen you around before.” The man spoke in a slight raspy voice, it sent chills down your spine, but not in a bad way. It was a really unique voice.

“Ah, yeah I just moved in today. I’m Y/n.” You give a small smile, looking back at him, trying to be as friendly as possible. You didn’t want to make a bad impression on your first day living here. You’ve already made a fool of yourself by running directly into him.

“I’m Sal, but my friends call me Sally Face.” He says.

“Well, it’s nice meeting you Sal, I again apologize for running into you. I’m gonna go head to the vending machine, I haven’t had a chance to eat yet and since I just moved in I have no food at the moment.” You laugh, looking up at him.

“Oh, I probably have some food I could give you if you want. Since the vending machine kinda just has junk food, and I can’t imagine it being that filling.” Sal offers. You take a moment to ponder on this, before agreeing and taking up his offer. He turns to his apartment door and opens it.

“Oh cool, we are neighbors.” You comment. You note that he lives in 402 while you live in 403.

“Huh, yeah I guess so.” He says as he leads you into his apartment and heads to his kitchen. “Well, it makes it easier if you ever need anything, I’m just right next door.” He opens a cabinet in his kitchen, pulling out some ramen, chips, and other snacks. He turns back towards you and hands them over. “I know it’s not the best options, but I hope it helps until you can buy some food.”

You take them and smile. “Thank you, I really appreciate it. I hope that next time we meet it isn’t from me literally running into you.” You joke. You can see his eye crinkle from under the mask and assume it’s from him smiling.

“Of course. Until then.” And with that you exit his apartment and head back to yours, going to the kitchen and setting the food down on the counter.

At least you’d managed to meet one kind person so far here. You think to yourself, feeling lucky to have such a nice neighbor. Perhaps living here won’t be as bad as you originally thought.