#I thought I’d be waking up at 4am but it was actually at 6am!! So I got more sleep than I though i would :)))
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i-may-be-an-emu · 2 months ago
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SUCH A GOOD STREAM
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theonlyratinalberta · 2 years ago
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What do Back Alleys Mean to you?
To me they mean separation anxiety, running out to the drive way to coax my parents out of their silver beater car and desperately trying to persuade them to stay home from what is probably their first date night in years.
They mean pulling my sister on one of those cheap plastic sleds with the rope attached on our way to the playground. It’s the first time we’re allowed to walk alone. The sun is out and the snow is wet and slippery. When we get home, the indoor lighting seems unusually orange. We stayed out so long that the light reflecting off the snow messed with our eyes, it takes a few moments to adjust.
They mean riding up to the gate as fast as I can on my pink Barbie bike because mom said I had to be home when the sun started to set, the sky is pink and fluffy and I’ll call this type of sunset cotten candy for the rest of my life.
They mean indulging in so much raw, unwashed, rhubarb, sprinkled with sugar that I lost my taste for a week. I don’t know if it’s fully recovered to this day, maybe that’s why I’m the only person in my family who can handle spice.
They mean me at 18 years old, maybe 19. The dead of winter, must have met the boy with long hair and a denim jacket close to midnight. I’m so cold I can’t feel the tips of my fingers. I still don’t get home until 4am. He drops me off at home through the shovelled alley and walks up the hill to his. Our paths cross here and there and he teaches me that intrigue is a habit that dies hard but doesn’t actually mean anything at all.
They mean chasing after my tiny fat beagle with the crooked tail and my slightly less tiny, slightly less fat beagle with the tear in her ear because someone left the gate open, again. They never went far, we always found them together. I think Copper just liked to visit the neighbours and Lucy was just along for the party. Dragging them both by the collar like a two headed Cerberus because I was in too much of a panic to find a leash, nothing is ever in its place in this house. A neighbour from across the way says “you know a leash might help with that.” I think “Yea man thanks for the advice.”
They mean a particular rainy evening, just days after ending things with a particular someone. Garbage everywhere, dents in the gravel filled with water forming puddles I’m almost enticed to splash in at 21 years old, sky pink and fluffy, again. Cotton candy. The air should smell rotten, household scraps decomposing as we speak but instead it feels fresh and cold and my lungs feel full for the first time in three years.
They mean taking the short cut to work at the old folks home, j-walking across about 10 blocks, feeling a bit unsafe at 6am when the sun isn’t out yet, all because I couldn’t be bothered to wake up earlier than absolutely necessary, on principle.
They mean being yelled at in a different certain someone’s car because I was late, again. Begged them to be honest, “Tell me how you feel, I can handle it, I want us to feel comfortable communicating. Honestly I’d rather you scream at me than pretend everything’s fine.” I’m crying now, maybe couldn’t handle it as well as I thought. I thank them for yelling at me.
A couple months later, they mean avoiding the same alleyway because my parking spot is perpetually empty now and I can’t handle it. It hurts to take the garbage out.
They mean new cars in my parking spot, belonging to people who were welcomed into this particular alley for a short, particular time. I thank them for filling the space for the moment but I ask that they don’t come back. The person who led them up those back alley stairs is a ghost now.
Sometimes they mean walking home from work at the grocery store when it’s dark out, “rape whistle” (it’s really just a regular whistle my boss from the daycare gave me, a metal one on a red lanyard) already tucked between my lips, 5’3 and constantly on guard. I really should move.
On a happier note, they often mean entering my apartment from the parking lot instead of the front door, tip-toeing up the stairs trying not to alert my tuxedo cat that I’m home. She’ll be waiting at the door of my 4th floor unit to make her great escape.
It’s silly to be so sentimental of a place deliberately hidden from passerby, a place primarily made for garbage pickups, smoking, edibles, tiny bottles of peach, pineapple, and green apple soju with a couple of girls you just met, furniture with “please take” signs made of loose leaf and sharpie. Maybe they just mean: this is a place between where you are and where you want to be, a place for core memories, the ones that proceed or follow the really big things. The quiet moments where you calmly take a breath to process and accept the dingey parts of you.
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popculturebuffet · 4 years ago
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House of Mouse: The Stolen Cartoons Review (Patreon Review)
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Hello all you happy people! It’s Patreon Review Time. Since my 5 dollar or higherr patreons get 1 review a month, Kevin my 10 dollar patreon is using one of his to celebrate the 20th anniversary of House of Mouse by having me review a random episode a month. And for this month we’re going all the way back to the start with The Stolen Cartoons!
I already introed house of mouse back when I reviewed “The Three Cablleros” episode but for a refresher: House of Mouse is a 2001 cartoon about Mickey and Co running a club. Mickey is host, Minnie plans the show and runs the books, Donald tends to the VIP”s and co owns the club with Mickey, Goofy is head waiter,  Daisy runs guest services, Horace is technical support, Clarabelle is a gossip monger with no clear actual job, and Max is Valet. The show was used to repackage shorts from the short lived show Mickey mouseworks, using the club setting as a wraparound and said club was attentend by all the various characters from the disney canon. It’s as awesome as it sounds. 
The voice cast, which I didn’t intro thorughly last time, was equally awesome with all the actors for the characters at the time, all legends in the industry. Wayne Allwine as Mickey,who played the character from the late 70′s to his death, Russi Taylor as Minnie and the Triplets, who did the same and was also married to wayne, Tony Anselmo, who should be thorughly familiar to readers of this blog and donald duck fans as his voice since Ducktales, Voice Actress Tress Macneile as Daisy, likewise,  Jason Marsden as Max and Voice Acting Legend Jim Cummings as Pete. All except Allweine i’ve profieled before on this blog in various other series, but Wayne, outisde of a very minor role in black cauldron, only voiced Mickey, and to me is the defntiive voice for the guy, though Chris is getting close. 
The other notable members of the cast i havent’ covered are April Winchell, who while tremendous, I will save for an episode Clarabelle is actually in more, and Bill Farmer. I have a great amount of Love for Bill and like everyone here, he was a vertran of the industry by the time he showed up in this series. His defining roll far and away is goofy, who was, to my delighted surprise his FIRST voice audition, having studided PInto Colving’s voice well to the point you can barely tell the difference between the two, and having inherited the roll around the same time as Russi and Tony. He’s the voice of Goofy I and most kids from the 80′s onward have grown up with and is the best at the roll by far, having chances for depth and nuance Pinto wasn’t allowed with the Goofy Movies and other works. IN general he’s just THE goofy to me. He’s also the voice of horace and pluto, and currently voices Hop Pop in Amphibia which is super noteworthy as looking at his filmography like a lot of the sensational 6′s va’s he’s only voiced goofy or Pluto for most of his career. But hey like Tony, if you only do one charcter might as well be the fucking best at it. He also has a show on Disney Plus with him and dogs I need to watch yesterday. 
So with our cast out of the way, and not much history to go into, join me after the cut and we’ll see how House of Mouse got it’s start and if it was a good one. 
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Breaking from my usual format for House of Mouse and doing the shorts as they come up int he main story for two reasons: The first is that the shorts are integral to the plot and the second is that there’s way more main story this time around than usual, likely to properly set things up. 
So we open at the House of Mouse with Mickey Adressing the club and showing off the general premise of this being a club for all of the various heroes and villains of disney to hang out and what not. He also presents the house rules which are no smoking (Fair and should’ve always been a thing), no villianous schemes and no eating the other guests, all helpfully demonstrated as he says them. We also get to see the others in action: Minnie handling the schedule and the crew, Donald welcoming the guests, and Daisy running the desk and getitng brainwashed by Jafar into giving him a table. Max also is providing his job as Valet which surprised me because I genuinely thought he didn’t join the cast till season 2.. despite the fact he’s right there in the credits.. which are the same for ALL THREE SEASONS. 
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So things are going well.. so naturally that’s when Pete shows up to try and ruin things. Look he’s having a hard time after the divorce.. several years ago. Okay maybe he’s always just been a dick and that’s why he’s divorced in the first place. Point is he naturally wants to shut the club down, boot them out, and wreck up the place like any natural cartoon villian or real estate scum bag landlord. Pete just happens to be both because he can multitask. .and because it’s basically the same thing you just have to be animated for one of them.  Thankfully whoever the previous Landlord was, i’m going with Shere Kahn given the setting, his roll in tailspin and the fact the obvious candidate, scrooge, would make no sense here given a later episode where he guest stars, wrote into the contract that as long as the show goes on, they can stay in business. Pete stews over this and naturally plans to stop the show while Minnie, in a cute bit, comforts a nervous mickey and just tells him to play some cartoons. So...
Pluto Gets the Paper: Wet Cement and Donald’s Dynamite: Magic Act I”m covering both of these at once. But as I said the animated shorts this time are one big sized one and two of the shorter ones to make more room for the story. Which is fair: this is the first episode, and thus needs to set up the premise. The series isn’t story driven but your first episode should still feel like one, ease you into the world and get you situated and THEN can do the normal format. It’s also in the episode’s favor as the heavier story focus meant a BETTER story than most season 1 episodes, on par with the two season 3 episodes i’ve covered so far. 
The shorts themselves are fine. So far this is the only Pluto Short i’ve liked as it has a neat enough gaga: Pluto has to get the paper in wet cement. Why did the paperboy throw it in wet cement instead of in the driveway, I dunno but given this short is well.. short and just meant to deliver on some quick gags, I’m not going to question it. It’s the first Pluto short i’ve covered without any dog sexual harassment, i’m not looking a gift dog in the mouth. 
The other short short played right after is part of a series where Donald ends up trying to get rid of a round bomb that shows up wherever he is....
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It’s pretty damn funny, though being a huge Donald fan i’m obviously biased, but even removing my donald duck brand sunglasses, I will concede this was objectively fun.
But the cartoons stop as, true to the title, they’ve gone missing! Horace is found tied up, the cartoons are gone and Pete is obviously responsible. and hilariously so as the rope has his name on it and he says “I don’t know horace horsecollar” There are a LOT of good gags in this one, i’m leaving a lot out for time’s sake. 
So Mickey and Minnie come up with a plan: Mickey sends the.. Quackstreet Boys.... to stall. Now it may shock you but I actually LIKE the backstreet boys. Not to an extreme amount but I did grow up with them, and even now find their music pretty damn good. No my issue is this parody is weak, mostly running entirely on the title pun. The most I can give them credit for is using the outfits from their second album cover. No I wasn’t kidding I did grow up with them. You saw that everywhere so even if I didn’t enjoy their music then and now, i’d know it. But it just feels really weak, like they had no idea what to DO with the boys and instead just slapped them in a lame parody. It dosen’t help i’m not a fan of the classic version of the boys outside of the comics, as I feel later productions should’ve had them actually be distinct, and it took until 2017 to pull that off with the reboot, something I fear may be undone in future productions. Please.. don’t.. you can have Cristina Vee voice them all, I don’t care about the voice I just want to be able to tell them a apart. So yeah I don’t like it but it dosen’t drag the episode down. Just something I wanted to have a moan about. 
So they split up: Mickey, Minnie and Goofy go to shoot a cartoon while Donald runs the club. Naturally he rebrands.. but what really is telling is everyone boos him when he tries to mc.. just for not being Mickey. While Donald does have a massive inferiority complex here, desperately wanting to one up mickey.. with moments like this it’s hard not to see why> He’s JUST as big a star, just as talented , maybe not as nice but just as likeable. He even co-owns the club. But ironically only Mickey Himself, and Daisy of Course, treat him like an equal. To everyone else it’s Mickey’s world and he’s just the sidekick. It’s no wonder he spend sthe entire show desperately trying to outdo mickey: he doesn’t hate the guy, even if he wouldn’t admit it.. but he just wants to be loved too. Sure it’s part ego.
Mickey does return though with the new cartoon. And our only sizeable one so. 
Hickory Dickory Mickey: This is a REALLY good one with a simple enough premise; Goofy wants Mickey to take him to the airport at 6am tomorrow.. which Mickey balks at. 
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Seriously i’ve woken up at 3-4am to go to the airport or on road trips. Waking up at 5:30 is pretty standard. Goofy also has good reason to ask as he once BROKE MICKEY OUT OF JAIL. And as seen up top the flashback is done in black and white AND with their old models. I just.. love everything about this and it had to have taken extra effort to make new models for the old models and thus extra money for a quick joke. So kudos best part of the episode. But with his hands tied Mickey is forced to take him and Goofy leaves him his clock which won’t stop ticking. So we get just.. nonstop good gags as Mickey tries to sleep with standouts being his trying to drown it out only to get the tick station, the tock station on the radio and the clock channel on the tv. He also tries to mail it and naturally it comes back thanks to a kangaroo when he ships it to Australia..a nd then get’s progressively batshit as he mails it to HADES (comes back in a puff of smoke) and to the 1920′s (It comes back in black and white with arms and legs). It’s just.. really damn good and I suggest seeking it out. I have liked other shorts better but this was a good one. 
Pete still gloats as they’ll need more cartoons.. only for one to fall out of his jacket and Mickey to shake the rest out. We then get a fun chase between the two, SO many good jokes, my favorite being him dressing up as a dalmation only for Cruella to take measurements, before being cornered by the three and the elephant from tarzan who throws him out.. right next to pepper-ann and her mom “Don’t touch the villian dear”. Good crossover.. and another show that like House of Mouse is not on disney plus don’t ask me why. 
So our heroes win, we get our usual sponsorship and unusually we see the guests leave, a nice bit I wish they did more. All’s well that ends well. 
Final Thoughts: This episode was fantastic. It introduces the cast well, sets up our villian, our basic premise and while only having one major cartoon, uses that as a plot point and it’s a damn good one. A fantastic start to the series and frankly the best place to start if your curious about the show. I’d like to thank Kev for sponsoring this review. If you’d like your own review you can look at comissoin details on my blog or get one guaranteed every month by becoming a 5 dollar patreon. You get one guaranteed review a month, acess to my discord server for my patreons, and to pick a short when I do birthday specials. And contributing to my patreon gets me closer to my stretch goals, even one dollar helps. Next goal not only gets reviews of the super ducktales mini series, but also a darkwing duck episode EVERY MONTH. And with the plug done, i’ll see you at the next rainbow. 
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coreastories · 4 years ago
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The Clock
Part 8 of Days and Nights of Forever
The turning point. She had already said yes. He only needed to hear it.
~*~ 
Ties in with Corea News, Modern Royals: 10 Times the King and Queen of Corea made ahjummas ugly-cry over their romance. The true story of the hug at the clock.
ON AO3 for download and kudos ;) 
“I’m here. How are you? Where are you?” 
Just like that, Tae-Eul felt the day’s tension leave her chest. She could breathe. She felt a smile tug at her lips but she repressed it because Kang Shin-jae was actually glaring at her for her audacity in answering the phone in his august presence. Jerk. 
She turned away from him and walked out of his office. She leaned against the wall and propped her foot on it, not caring if her shoe left that white wall less than pristine. She hoped it did. 
She had missed Gon. They hadn’t been able to see each other last week either. She spoke softly, “I’m sorry, I’m still on that case. We have a breakthrough now. This might end soon. But I might not be able to leave yet.” And that frustrated her more than the case and the helpful bastard in the office did. It was almost five. She should have wrapped things up by now if it weren’t for Mr. Uncooperative. 
“I can come to you. Maybe I can help?” 
Tae-Eul grinned, imagining Gon here facing off with Shin-Jae. “I’m sure you can. But this involves industrial espionage and they’re already iffy about letting us in on it. They want the investigation done by private firms. But their suspect is also our murder suspect so they need to cooperate.” 
And honestly, she didn’t want Gon here, not with this Kang Shin-jae’s brand of condescension. She needed leads, not bullfights. “Look, can you wait at the hotel? I’ll come as soon as I finish.” 
“All right. Saranghae.” 
“Nado.” She knew he was still on the line--he always was, always waited for her that way-- but she ended the call. Then jumped a bit when someone spoke beside her. 
“You expect me to trust you with this case when you take personal calls while on it?” 
Tae-Eul pursed her lips and slowly put her phone back in her pocket. Stupid pocket. When she finally found her pocket-- and when she felt like she wouldn’t snap at the civilian-- she looked at him and smiled. She hoped it looked like a smile. 
“Look, I understand your reluctance, sir, but I’d like to remind you that you might be this entire building’s lord and master but you’re not the boss of me. And you are not trusting me or my team with anything-- it’s our case too whether you like it or not. You need to cooperate if you don’t want us to charge you for obstruction of justice. Let’s get back to it, shall we?” 
They got back to it. Their warrant came and that gave them more leeway in requesting documents and other materials. She tried not to flinch whenever she felt Kang Shin-jae’s gaze on her. He was Kang Shin-jae, the KIT Company’s vice-chairman and pain in the ass who wouldn’t let them have what they needed because it was entangled with the company’s current R&D project. 
He wore an expensive suit--something she could recognize by sight by now because of Gon-- and looked and acted like he owned the place, which he did. Everything about him was different. Definitely not her former hyeong-nim. 
“If you sign a Non-Disclosure Agreement, I’ll give you what you’re asking for. You. Just you. Not your entire team, or the NDA just dissolves itself.” 
Tae-Eul raised her eyes to heaven for the-- she’d lost count how many times. “As we told you already, sir, we can’t do NDAs. We might need to disclose something for the investigation.” 
“And we’re back where we started.” 
Tae-Eul smiled and bowed, gritting her teeth. She motioned for Jang-mi and the rest to drop everything. “Thanks so much for your time.” 
It was 10pm. Five hours of looking through files and getting nothing new except the confirmation that their suspect had killed their victim because the victim had found out what the suspect was doing. Typical motive. She could close this case if only she hadn’t come up against this wall that had the face of her former best partner. 
“I’m sorry I couldn’t be more helpful,” Kang Shin-Jae said, and Tae-Eul paused at the door, nearly walking into Jang-mi’s back, because they had all paused. 
She heard Jangmi’s stomach growl. She slapped the guy on the back in second-hand embarrassment. 
“I really am,” Kang Shin-Jae continued. Tae-Eul felt her heart soften a bit, because this man might not be her hyeong-nim--of course he wasn’t-- but he was a good guy. Just a little stiff about his R&D. Understandable enough. “I’ll let you know if we find anything of his whereabouts, or anything that might help you at all. If you go to the cafeteria, they’ll serve you dinner. It’s free. They’re open 24 hours so there’s no need to hurry.”
“Thanks. That’s nice of you.” She inclined her head at him, and he smiled and looked like he wanted to say something else, but she pushed Jangmi forward and followed him out. 
She just wanted to get to the hotel and to Gon.
She was tempted to attach the police beacon on top of her car so she could speed her way there, but she could use the drive to calm down. It wasn’t like she wasn’t used to cases taking their sweet time. She was just… she missed Gon. 
Last weekend, this case had broken wide open with national news coverage. The victim had been a beloved teacher for decades-- with the nosiness to match, which got her in trouble-- and the public were rabid for blood. So Tae-Eul hadn’t been able to get away. 
She missed Gon. 
So when she got to their suite and didn’t find him, all her frustration returned and she felt her eyes grow hot with tears. 
He had left a note on the counter. 
“I’m so sorry, nae sarang. I’m checking on something. If I’m not back and you find this note, it means I had to take care of it. I’ll be back tonight, or tomorrow morning. If you like, you can meet me at the obelisks around 6am. If that’s too early for a Sunday, just wait here. I’ll be here when you wake up. There’s dak-galbi in the microwave.”
She slapped the note back on the counter and went to shower, trying not to be furious that he hadn’t waited, that it had taken her five extra hours to get here, that he wasn’t here, and… 
She wished she could just go to him. 
She loved what they had but it grated at times like this. It grated so much that she couldn’t go to him or simply meet him at some late night restaurant whenever she got off work. 
And something she tried not to dwell on was the fact that if anything happened to him, she wouldn’t even know, unless Jo Yeong decided to have mercy on her and cross the worlds to tell her. If he could even use the flute at all. 
It always made her chest and stomach clench, and she tried not to think of it. They hadn’t talked about it yet, not when they’d just gotten together, in an unspoken understanding of not voicing what they feared. 
What was Gon checking on, and what was so bad about it that it had taken him away from her? Was he all right? 
She waited what seemed like all night. Before closing her eyes to fatigue, she looked at the clock: 2:14am. She woke up again around 4am. At that point, she got out of bed and dressed to go home. She was too wired. She could use a workout at the dojo before heading to the bamboo grove. 
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When two hours came and went without Tae-Eul coming through the door and without a phone call, Gon sighed and pinched the nerve flicking between his eyes. 
This was one of those times he really hated that he lost Jo Eun-sup in this new timeline. Gon had no one to call to ask about Tae-Eul. He couldn’t ask her dad-- Gon had tried that once and lost three hours to samgyupsal. 
He turned on the TV and flicked through the channels, stopping on the evening news when he thought he saw Tae-Eul-- and it was. Tae-Eul and Jangmi and two other detectives enter Kang Shin-jae’s building. The footage wasn’t the best but he’d recognize her anywhere. 
And it was Kang Shin-jae on the news. Well, his company. A source had leaked to media that the recent murder case in Jongno was linked to KIT Company. The suspect was a former employee.  
The news cycled through its short footages. Gon saw the blurred and yellow-taped murder scene, the Jongno police station facade, the KIT building exterior, and then that footage again of Tae-Eul and her team in plain clothes entering the building this afternoon, confirming the news item’s claim that KIT Company was connected somehow. 
Gon turned off the TV. He took a deep breath and also tried to turn off his returning and now absolutely ridiculous resentment of Kang Shin-jae. 
He didn’t resent the man. Why would he? He went to the kitchen and fixed something. It was a good night for stir-fry. He took too much satisfaction chopping the vegetables. 
When another two hours went without Tae-Eul, Gon was at the end of his patience. 
He didn’t like what he was feeling. It was ugly and making his jaw clench and he didn’t want Tae-Eul to come to him in this state. She didn’t deserve it. 
So he dashed off a note and left before he changed his mind or decided to do anything stupider, like go to the KIT building. 
Back at the palace, a couple of court maids dissolved into tears when they made the mistake of getting in his way. He had only looked at them venomously, but that was apparently enough. Lady Noh should hire women with more backbone. He snorted. Lady Noh said nothing and only looked at him in reproach. But she didn’t pry. She did bring in a plate of petit fours. 
He ignored them and carried on working until he realized the light in the room had changed. His neck was stiff and his eyes were sticky and fuck it all, it was a quarter to five a.m. 
He’d told Tae-Eul she could meet him or he’d go to her at six. 
He stood in the shower and tried to get his thoughts in order. He turned the water cold because there was a heat in his chest he couldn’t dislodge. He hadn’t seen her last weekend and this one was nearly over and here he was wasting time feeling what? Grouchy that he hadn’t seen her? How old was he, fifteen? 
Jealous that she’d spent half the night with Kang Shin-Jae? 
Christ, it sounded ridiculous in his own head. Kang Shin-Jae was practically a stranger to her.
He was going to fix this. 
Secretary Mo was in his suite’s living room, just about to peer into his bedroom to see if he was done in the shower. Gon swore. “No.” 
“I’m sorry, Pyeha. A Japanese vessel apparently sank a Corean fishing vessel. They’re saying it’s an accident and they’ve rescued the passengers but now Japanese officers are trying to bargain for the release of our fishermen. The Minister of Defense is on the line, and the Minister of Foreign Affairs and the Prime Minister are also waiting.” 
Gon took the calls in his bathrobe. He asked questions and gave answers. If Secretary Mo noticed he was more curt than usual, she didn’t say anything. When he reached the Prime Minister, he only told her he trusted her completely and ended the call. 
Despite all that and Secretary Mo's matching terrifying efficiency, it was still already a quarter past seven when he finally came out of the obelisks. He found Tae-Eul seated in one of the benches in the grove. 
Glaring at him. And with dark smudges under her eyes. He knelt in front of her. “I’m so sorry. There was an incident that kept me. A Japanese--” 
“Let’s just go. And I’m tired. Maybe we can sleep for a bit?” 
Gon stroked the smudges under her eyes with both thumbs. “Haven’t you slept?” 
She pursed her lips, which she did when she chose not to say what was on her mind, still looking at him darkly but her expression softening by the second. “You look like you haven’t either.” 
That just reminded Gon of his idiocy. He was furious with himself. 
He took Tae-Eul’s hand and stood up, gently pulling her with him. She leaned on him once she was on her feet. His chest tightened with love for this woman and he tucked her against his side with his arm. He walked them toward the obelisks. “We can sleep at the palace.” 
The manpasikjeok hadn’t sent them to any other time for awhile now, and he was glad it didn’t choose today to surprise them. Tae-Eul napped on the boat, and even with that she was still so sleepy, shielding her eyes from the morning’s sunlight when they docked and then made their way to the palace. 
By this time, Gon had devised a completely private and empty route to his chambers, so Tae-Eul didn’t have to hide as she half-walked, half-leaned on him, half-asleep with her cheek on his shoulder. She really was exhausted. 
If his guilt was a pinch before, it was a vise now, squeezing him.  
In his--their-- bedroom, Tae-Eul turned down the covers for herself, took off her shoes, then shimmied out of her jeans. He half-smiled-- those long, gorgeous legs would never stop taking his breath away-- and then tucked her in, bending over to kiss her on the forehead, her tired eyes, her nose, her cheeks, and finally, her lips. 
She kissed him back sleepily, her thumb anchored at his cheek and her fingers doing a lazy, gentle stroking on his neck. This was what he’d needed. He felt the vise in his stomach losing its hold, he felt silly about every other ridiculous thought that had passed through his head. 
But she was sleepy, and he drew back to look at her. Her eyes were already closed. Without opening them, she patted the space next to her on the bed. 
He was just about to get in when the phone in the living room rang. Tae-Eul winced slightly at the noise. 
“I’m sorry. That’s probably Secretary Mo. Something’s happened this morning.” 
Tae-Eul had opened her eyes now. “Is everyone all right? Are you all right?” 
Discounting my fit of idiotic jealousy? “Of course I’m alright, and our people should be,” he said. “Let me answer the phone. I’ll be back.” 
Except he wasn’t able to come back for twelve hours. 
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Tae-Eul woke up to Lady Noh peering down at her from beside the bed, having gently shaken Tae-Eul awake. The old lady was also feeling her forehead and cheek now. 
“Are you ill? Why are you so sleepy?”
“No. Just sleep-deprived.” Tae-Eul realized she could smell food. “I brought your lunch. Come and eat.” “Where’s Gon?” 
Lady Noh no longer flinched at that, but she did look at Tae-Eul in sympathy. “He went with the Navy to try to intimidate those idiots into releasing our people.” Lady Noh picked up the tray and placed it before Tae-Eul before she could protest. “Eat. Then sleep some more.” 
Tae-Eul groaned at how the older lady was looking at her. “Lady Noh, I’m not pregnant.” 
“We don’t know that,” Lady Noh said, then she smiled impishly and left, leaving Tae-Eul blushing on the bed. 
Gon hadn’t even slept yet. She knew that sleep-deprived look. She reached for her phone--in this world-- and called him. He answered immediately. 
“Have you just woken up?” 
“Like a ba-- yes, I did. Are you on your way back?” 
“That’s what I want to know myself,” he said, his voice snappish, something she had never heard before. “Can you wait a bit more?”
“It’s not like I have a choice.” 
“Yes, you do. You can cut ties with me.” 
“What?” She had said what she’d said as a joke. Waiting was like their brand. They waited for each other. She scratched her neck. But he was.... angry? And apparently he wasn’t done. 
“Yes. That case that took you away for two weekends now. Maybe you like that case so much because you get to spend it with Kang Shin-jae in his palace.” 
Tae-Eul took the phone away from her ear for a second and stared at it in disbelief. Then she put it back. “I’ll talk to you when you’re making sense.” 
She hung up on him. That would teach him. 
She told herself she was amused and not… not angry. 
She vented it on her food and mutilated her fish and side dishes before eating them all because feeling like this made her hungry. 
Lady Noh came back and seemed inordinately satisfied with her spotless bowls. Tae-Eul felt like pulling her hair. “Lady Noh, I’m not pregnant. What happened with Gon?”
Lady Noh would never sit down on the king’s bed, but she did lean a hip on it, since it was just at the right height. “We got news this morning that a Japanese boat had sunk a Corean fishing boat. Accident, they say, and they rescued everyone onboard. But then the Japanese Navy got ahold of them and someone in that godforsaken government is trying to use the fishermen as a bargaining chip. Ridiculous.” 
“They’re okay? The fishermen? No casualties?”
Lady Noh nodded. “It seemed too neat, if you ask me. Accident, my foot.” 
“What are they trying to bargain about?”
“Who knows. We have so much they want.” 
“Wait, you said you got the news this morning? Not last night?”
“Yes. Well, I don’t know. He was really furious last night. I thought it must have been because of this, because it kept him from you.” 
Tae-Eul blinked at the old woman, trying to make sense of what she just heard.  
When Lady Noh saw Tae-Eul wasn’t going to say anything else, she left with the tray. Tae-Eul got up from bed, went to her dresser, and put on silk pajama bottoms, and then unconcealed the television in the living room suite. 
Either the news outlets were less informed, or they were truly saying Corea only got wind of the “accident” this morning, and assuring the people that the Ministers of Defense and Foreign Affairs had acted quickly. 
The king was with them now to lay terms himself and act on the royal family’s long-standing promise to be the country’s first line of defense from foreign maneuvering and malcontent. 
So Gon must have had another pressing matter on top of this one? Add to being sleep-deprived and no wonder he was snappy.  A fraction of her mind-- a tiny fraction-- was wondering if that other “pressing matter” was named Kang Shin-Jae, but since it was already making her eyes roll, she hoped not. 
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“Yes. That case that took you away for two weekends now. Maybe you like that case so much because you get to spend it with Kang Shin-jae in his palace.” 
His brain was already backfiring and imploding with warning even as his mouth actually finished saying all that. Suddenly, the railing of the navy vessel looked so inviting. He could hit his head on it. Or he could climb it and jump overboard and maybe the Pacific could knock some sense into him.  
“I’ll talk to you when you’re making sense.” 
The line went dead. 
Gon’s arm dropped like dead weight at his side and it was only thanks to his phone’s ribbed case that it didn’t slip from his slack hand. 
And he could see Yeong giving him his most judgmental side-eye to date. 
Gon closed his eyes. 
“I can’t believe you said that,” said Yeong quietly. 
Gon closed his eyes harder. “I need sleep. I need to get out of here. I need to go beg Tae-Eul to forgive me for what I said. I need to--”
“Shut up,” said Yeong, more quietly. Gon turned around to see the Ministers of Defense and Foreign Affairs approaching. 
For the moment, he ignored the fact that his Unbreakable Sword had told him again to shut up. Gon straightened his back. “Everything to our satisfaction, gentlemen?” 
“Yes, Pyeha, they just want their own minister to arrive first and officially hand over the passengers.” 
“What?”
Minister Kim leaned back from Gon’s quiet growl. “They want to make it official. Since Your Majesty is here, they couldn’t be completely without a representative from their own government.” 
Gon was about to say he can bloody well leave when he realized he couldn’t, and shouldn’t. “Very well. Are they coming by air?” 
“By boat, Pyeja. I’m sorry for the delay. The minister apparently has an ear condition that doesn’t let him travel by air.”
“Then why is he coming in the first place-- why couldn’t someone else-- fine.” 
He was whining so he stopped. He looked at Yeong to get some sympathy but only got another glaring side-eye. 
“Go ahead, let me have it, then,” Gon said, when he and Yeong were alone again. 
“Pyeha, I’m sure nothing I tell you is worse than what your own head is already spewing. What did she say?”
“Only said she’ll talk to me when I’m talking sense.” 
Yeong nodded in what seemed like agreement and approval. 
Gon pressed his fingers against his eyes.  
“Can you really see yourself living with that option?” Yeong asked quietly, not looking at him but at the horizon. 
“What?”
“The one you told her. Breaking things off with you. Choosing Kang Shin-Jae in his palace.” 
“You don’t need to quote me.” 
Yeong just cut his eyes at him. 
“No,” said Gon. “No.” 
And that was it, wasn’t it? That possibility, that threat, no matter how implausible with Tae-Eul’s love for him, was enough to shake him and send him incoherent and mindless with rage. 
His jaw clenched. It would be so simple. Tae-Eul could have a good life with no complications, no obligations. She could have someone daily, not on weekends, and she could go to the man anytime she wanted, and they could have that domestic simplicity of living together, waking up together, every day. 
Everything Gon wanted but couldn’t give her at the present, not with their separate worlds and separate lives. 
He was a mathematician. His brain could see and calculate figures in an instant. Kang Shin-Jae was a better equation for Tae-Eul. He was in her world. That alone was a figure Gon couldn’t match. 
His phone buzzed in his hand, and it brought him outside his own head. 
The text message was short, to the point. Tae-Eul. With her amazing ability to read through him, apparently even across the ocean when he was at sea. 
His eyes stung. And he convinced himself it was the salt air. Not his profound awe of this woman fate had given him. 
I love you. I’ll see you at the clock.
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Lady Noh had brought Seung-ah over when Tae-Eul saw the latest update on the situation Gon was smoothing over, so both women heard Tae-Eul swear vehemently. 
She blushed. But they took it in stride. 
Seung-ah grinned. Tae-Eul thought the girl was just too fascinated with the king’s secret girlfriend just now. Lady Noh had wanted Seung-ah and Park In-yeong, who were sort of like her protegees, to know of Tae-Eul, because Tae-Eul needed it. 
It was like a shield against scandal: Tae-Eul had the highest court lady who was practically the king’s grandmother, the Royal Public Affairs Office, and the only female member of the Royal Guard, on her side. Tae-Eul saw the sense in it. 
And right now, she was thankful for it. 
“He’ll be stuck there for another five hours?!” she ranted. “They’re waiting for the Japanese Defense minister.” 
“They’re posturing. His Majesty soundly kicked their ass-ets again in this round,” said Seung-ah, adjusting her vocabulary when Lady Noh looked at her. “So they’re posturing to save face, making the king wait.”
Tae-Eul sighed. 
“Do you want to take a walk with me?” Seung-ah asked. “I can show you around and you can tell me more about your cases.” 
“Cases” often included questions about Gon, just bordering on invasive but never actually crossing the line. Tae-Eul was trained as a detective and she still learned questioning techniques from Seung-ah. 
“All right. I can’t stay here all day. Just let me get dressed.” 
Inside the en suite, she debated for a couple of seconds whether she should call Gon. She was worried about him, sleep-deprived and out on a ship under the sun and she wanted to let him know she was behind him one hundred percent, whether or not he was in some snit about Kang Shin-Jae. 
Especially if he was in a snit about Kang Shin-Jae. 
But if she was in a snit and stuck somewhere she’d rather not be, she wouldn’t want him to bear the brunt of her temper either. So instead of calling, she should send a text. 
I love you. Don’t worry about me. Don’t think about Kang Shin-Jae. You’re the only one I want and I’m happy to be right here with you even if you’re far away from me. I’m going out with Seung-ah. I saw everything on the news so I know you’re still stuck there. I’ll see you at the clock. 
She frowned at that message and edited it to the most important bits that would actually accomplish what she wanted for him. 
She didn’t want him to think Kang Shin-Jae was still on her mind. She didn’t want him to dwell on the fact that they weren’t with each other right now, another weekend gone. She didn’t want him to worry, period. About the men in her world or her going out and about in his.
I love you. I’ll see you at the clock.
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It was dark and the clock was like a moon in the street when she saw his tall form coming toward her. Members of the Royal Guard were already scattered around them, probably long before she even saw Gon, which would explain the privacy and quiet they suddenly had, even in that public and much beloved part of the palace grounds. 
She stood up as he neared her and her arms came up almost of their own accord when she saw his face. When he pulled her into his arms, hers came around his waist, and she held him tight, feeling him shake a little and then go still as he sighed against her hair. 
She felt his hand cradling her head and heard him whisper, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean what I said.”  
She patted his back and squeezed him over his soft coat. “Of course you didn’t.” 
“I missed you.”
“I missed you, too.” 
“Will you be my queen? Will you let me be the one to fill your days?” 
He had asked her that question so many times now but Tae-Eul still felt her heart clench every time he did. She used her grip on his coat to push him a little so they could part enough for her to see his face, and for him to see hers when she said, “Not today.” And just before his face shuttered at her usual reply, she added, “But soon.” 
He didn’t smile like she’d expected, didn’t speak, only looked at her so intensely Tae-Eul felt her blood pound on her chest, neck and cheeks. 
When she was about to tug him at the waist again to demand he say something, he brought one hand to her cheek and said, “Do you mean that? Will it make you happy?” 
And Tae-Eul felt herself soften in his arms, felt her eyes brim with love for this man fate gave her. Because when she said Soon, she’d expected him and his mathematician mind to ask, When?
But no, he was only-- he only ever thought of her happiness. And maybe she should, too. Her happiness and his. Because he deserved it. 
She nodded, nodded hard and with conviction because she was daring any gods out there to interfere. “Of-- of course it will,” and her voice trembled a little. So she cleared her throat and said more firmly, and simply, “Yes.” 
He smiled. 
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____________________________________
Added that line from the novel. But pretty much completely the original outline. Whew. Let me know whatcha think. Homestretch. :) 
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studywithyashu · 5 years ago
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how did i get better?
I was talking to one of my bestest friends that’s going through a rough time and it really got me thinking about how I got better... did I get better?
Most of my writing has been broody, reflective, and written from the perspective of when I’ve been healing from damage or putting my pieces back together but I’ve never really talked about the actual healing, the improving of it all. Or, simply put, getting better.
So - here it is. How the fck did someone like me manage to pull it together long enough to get better? The answer: I didn’t. I didn’t immediately pull everything together in an attempt to be okay, the way I had done countless times before to avoid the long winded painful process of true recovery. 
I present to you the example of my RVC interview. I was in a terrible place, I had just fought with one of my best friends - I was nervous and freaking out. I had to immediately take everything I had and hold it all together to simply be okay - it lasted about two hours, the length of the interview, before it all fell apart.
Not this time - this time was different somehow. I had no energy left in me, no fight. I was colder than I’ve ever been, farther away from home than I’ve ever been, busier and more ‘cool’ than I’ve ever been and honestly I felt more alone than ever (loneliness is the biggest, cruelest illusion of them all). This time I was a ghost bouncing from one event on my calendar to the next, I listened to the same sad songs over and over again and life seemed like I’d spend forever lacking that something. Yeah, I know. So I think when I dragged myself into therapy as a final reckoning with myself in the boxing ring that was now my mind, I had nothing left ot give- no fronts left to fight on. Nobody to really be okay for. My interviews were all over, my events all ran smoothly without me needing to pull myself together for, and well, parties and clubs with my friends seemed to involve more pulling myself apart than together.
I was a glass of wine away from a mental breakdown, basically everyday. I was done! Done, I tell you. The first time you’re pathetically honest with anyone who wants to help you is something you don’t forget easily. From like, October to February, everything was a sad, wanting blur. I walked home alone soaked in the rain, hands in my pockets, and when my flatmates asked me why I wasn’t shivering when I entered, lips blue - all I could do was sit in the bath and think of what I was missing.
It’s so strange. I felt like I had done everything right. I went out with friends at least thrice a week, tried to workout as often as I could, I even kept a bullet journal.. pretty calligraphy and to-do lists made me more organised and put together, don’t get me wrong - perhaps my organisation was a coping mechanism because to me being sad, yearning but organised was somehow better.
I remember exactly when this runed around. I was out one night, Zoo bar on a wednesday as RVC student tradition dictates - I was with my friends and honestly, it was the most I’ve had this whole term. Somehow the wine hit a different bit of my spirits and I remember just feeling miserable. I laid in bed that night at 4am after barely making it home in a taxi. I stared at the ceiling. I knew in the morning viewing my instagram stories back it will seem to everyone like my night was perfect and I had the best time - the truth is, I stared at the ceiling that night wondering if I’d wake up at all. It was irrational - but I remember so clearly thinking, over and over - what if I don’t wake up? What if I die sad? I don’t want to die sad. Over and over again as a loop, I can’t have that, I can’t die sad, I can’t die sad, I can’t die sad, This cannot happen... the thoughts looped themselves around me in circles and circles and circles as I almost agressively fell asleep. 
I woke up that morning and felt so, so, strange. It was like, 6am (yeah, not a lot of sleep was gotten) and I had to blink multiple times to make sure I wasn’t seeing things. Snow? In central London? Towards the end of winter? I slipped on a bathrobe and the sky was still vaguely orange. The flakes came down on me like tiny voices telling me maybe I didn’t have to be so tired. I mean, look - I was awake. I was here. Didn’t that have to count for something? It came over me in a sort of wave. As I got dressed and walked to uni, the sun came out - and this was the birghtest day of the month. The snowflakes barely melted into the sidewalks when the sun came brightly down. I looked like a maniac - I was likely smiling like a creep walking fown the sidewalk. I didn’t give a fck though. Even the cynic in me had to admit that being awake on this day was wonderful. This was when I added a ‘gratitude’ column to my journal. Everyday, I wrote down one (though it often wound up being more than one) thing that was good that day. I did this on good days, bad days, days where I couldn’t see the point, days where I was anxious over getting a text back - and slowly I realised that things were going to be okay, I was going to be okay. I was going to live a life (hopefully long) and I was going to start looking for the beauty out there.
I guess my main lesson was that you’ll never know when the sun is going to come out - so you gotta keep your chin up and keep going instead of boarding yourself inside and agonising your days away. You deserve to live an amazing, wonderful life. You deserve to learn from the pain, and feel it - really feel it. Pain makes us human, as does the ability to see beauty, as does companionship, as does the pursuit of careers, relationships, and countless other goals. I think everyone deserves feeling the full range of the human experience, from the good to the bad to the ugly. 
Stop being so hard on yourselves - it’s going to be okay. You’re going to get okay.
(also, I do highly reccomend therapy)
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magistralucis · 5 years ago
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Rammstein @ Stadium MK, 06 July 2019 [Review]
Just over a week ago, I saw one of the greatest shows in my life.
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I dedicate lengthy reviews to most concerts I’ve been to. R+ most definitely merit one, and I like to think this one turned out very nice and long, with plenty of images in between. Nevertheless, I omitted a lot more details this time than I usually do, because:
My pre-show adventures were abnormally long (12+ hours wait).
I made irl queue buddies whose identities aren’t up to me to release.
I’ve talked to people who plan to attend future tour dates and do not want to be spoiled on what R+ has planned. I usually put my reviews below a cut to prevent spoilers, but it doesn’t work on mobile as well.
So, a compromise: I commented on every song on the setlist, but I kept to general comments for new content. There are things R+ brought out this year that you really need to see with your own eyes. But I can’t completely refuse to talk about new things, otherwise that’s only half a review. Those who are wary of all spoilers, please, read at your own risk.
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Read on for more. Mobile users, be warned this is a very long post.
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The Journey (+ Queue Adventures)
This show wasn’t in London. You won’t read about London commutes or opinions about the London Underground in this section for once. Too bad the journey to Milton Keynes fucking sucked. It wasn’t commuting back and forth between Rammstein and my hotel that was the problem. In fact, going back home from Milton Keynes was very simple. But getting there? My God. Only a few things went pear-shaped, and I have nobody but myself to blame for the things that went wrong, but I was not prepared for the discrepancy between MK and the areas surrounding it. Future me, book your hotels and transport in Central Milton Keynes next time.
I will never put myself in the mercy of so many taxis in my life again. Well, I mean, two. Still two too many.
A quick note about Milton Keynes for non-UK residents. It’s probably the most organized city in this country. Milton Keynes is modern and grid-planned, unlike most other cities here which have grown organically and have alleys and hills and cobblestones all over the place. All the roads in MK are in straight lines or clear roundabouts, buildings/facilities are in logical places, and it’s widely considered to be a very easy place to navigate. It’d have been nice to experience literally any of that during most of my journey, because dumbass booked a hotel in the villages around Milton Keynes rather than the city itself. The villages are serene and calming, but they absofuckinglutely do not adhere to any such thing as a grid plan and getting around them was difficult. This was not helped by the fact that the very first leg of the journey, Brighton to London, was delayed for an hour due to an accident on the motorway. I missed the connection to Milton Keynes as a result.
Fuckign.
That was one inconvenience which was not in any way my fault whatsoever, and I’m still bitter that it nearly ruined my entire journey. At least trains between London to Milton Keynes are very common, and it’s only half an hour. So ultimately, after an extra fifteen quid, I arrived right on time. Commuting to the hotel was much harder, because it was a very hot day, and the trains to these villages come by more infrequently. But at least they were there, I hadn’t packed a very heavy load, and when I finally reached the hotel I was given a cottage room all to myself which was cool and comfortably out of the way. There was a huge bathtub. Some nice free toiletries. Complimentary brandy. Oh, hotel, why couldn’t you have been a little closer to the city centre?
But, whatever. I got there. I took the Ls I deserved, and I didn’t pay too high a price for the one I didn’t deserve. I’d brought more than enough money to cover it, because I’d known I would need to shell out extra for transport on the day of the concert. That thought process is universal among concertgoers; I think I handled that as well I could have. I ate dinner, packed a bag, and fell asleep.
That was Friday. Saturday the 6th I will cover in bullet points, from waking up to front row, because most of my Saturday consisted of nothing but waiting for Rammstein. I’m usually more detailed about my preshow life, but there’s a line between an entertaining diary entry and making people slog through fifteen hours of Rammstein-not-happening. Let’s go.
4am. Up nice and early. I force down breakfast. I have a small bag packed with necessities, and a plastic bag intended to be disposed of at the concert: the latter contains energy bars, satsumas (for hydration), some dried salami, and two bottles of water. That is all I’m going to be eating for the rest of the day.
5:45am. Taxi to Stadium MK. It costs exactly a tenner. I decide that when I’m heading back from the concert, I’m willing to pay up to double this amount. A higher price surge will mean I’ll have to wait.
6am. Queuing adventures begin. There are already four people ahead of me; the people at the very front have been waiting since 3am. I’m at Gate 5, closest to front row out of all the other available gates in the stadium. There are three queue lines already formed with metal barriers, separated by standing, seats, and accessible/disabled, but there is a taller barricade in front of it which prevents us from going in there. We are too early even for that.
Stadium doors open at five, R+ comes on at eight. This is going to be a ridiculous haul.
7am. Up to ten people in the queue. The first six of us in the queue begin talking. These people are the aforementioned queue buddies who will subsequently keep my place in line during bathroom breaks, give me much concert wisdom, and preserve our places for front row. The human capacity to spontaneously begin caring for one another at concerts is what I like best about concert culture, especially metalhead culture. Ain’t no other home I’ve found like with fellow metalheads.
9:30am. I am really tired. The people right behind me have homebrewed a sunshade out of plastic picnic mats across the barriers. Half of us are collapsed on the asphalt, sleeping.
10:13am. Bathroom break. Me and one other girl leave the queue to the 24h McDonalds to make use of theirs. I will revisit this McDonalds roughly 14 hours from now, this time to contribute actual business.
12pm. People in queue are significantly more alert because security guys have started milling around. The barricades for the main queue lines will be removed around 3pm.
1:30pm. One last bathroom break. We visit the nearby Asda, because it’s becoming evident the area is flooded with R+ fans and the restaurants are demanding they engage with actual business before using their bathrooms. Asda has no such issue.
3pm. Barricades finally open and I make it to the front of the line once more. We’re allowed a single 500ml bottle of water with us but then they FUCKING HIT US AGAIN WITH THE NO BOTTLE CAP BULLSHIT. Seriously it’s more of a hazard to have open bottles spilling water everywhere for the love of God just let us keep our bottle caps. I discard my original cap, but what I didn’t tell security was that I had a sports cap from a separate bottle from earlier hidden in the depths of my jacket. Once I’m in, I just screw that on, and I am fine and dandy.
5PM FUCKING DOORS ARE OPEN GO GO GO-
-STAIRS? S T A   IR S??? AIN’T NOBODY FUCKING TELL ME ABOUT STAIRS ? 1!?@?3@?@/2?3?#
After a wild scramble I score front row nonetheless. Last time I was front row for Rammstein, I was in front of Richard; this time I choose Paul’s side.
Around 6pm it begins to rain. In the stadium.
6:30pm. I am really cold. I am shivering despite the thousands of people rubbing shoulders beside and all around me, and it’s still 1hrs 30mins until R+ show up. They cannot come on fast enough. I have never wanted so much to be toasted like a marshmallow.
7pm. The opener comes on - Jatekok, a classical pianist duo who covered most of Sehnsucht over a half-hour period. They are all the way over at the B-stage however, and while I can hear them, being a short woman at front row essentially means I forfeit anything that happens on the B-stage. It’s too far back, and there are too many people between me and the stage for me to see anything.
Rammstein came on at 8pm to a multi-language announcement asking the audience not to film the performance. The abundance of full-length videos on youtube depicting exactly that is proof that this request was not kept, but I digress. I’m assuming most people reading this review are Rammstein fans, or or know how each song’s ‘performance’ goes, so a minute-by-minute play will be unnecessary. My comments are general, but hopefully insightful.
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01. Was ich liebe (Rammstein)
Check this shit out!
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This screen will continue to be relevant throughout the concert. Half the time it’s displaying the logo, and half the time... well, you’ll have to see 😂 R+ have opted for a relatively calm start in this tour. The bandmates appear one by one to the intro, lingering at the front of the stage (save for Schneider) until Till appears.
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All the bandmates’ outfits. So far a theme is uncertain. Or maybe it’s just that Flake is the odd one out. He sparkles most golden throughout the entire concert. He still has the treadmill arrangement going. If anything he’s gotten more stage-confident and hilarious since the last time I saw him.
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Till’s outfit goes hot and serious and heavy. He will only keep the coat on for ‘Was ich liebe’, which is perfectly reasonable; it’s stopped raining by this time and the venue is warm-ish, though clouded. As for ‘Was ich liebe’ as a song, I’m fond of it. I am, however, surprised to see that it’s the opener. This is not a complaint: in retrospect, R+ paced out the songs from their recent album very cleverly throughout the concert, alternating between their older hits and building up to the major climaxes in the middle (songs 7-14). It was just a bit of a surprise at the time.
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I see the most of this cheerful lil’ bastard through the show. Paul will feature heavily in my images of this night.
02. Links 2-3-4 (Mutter)
Storytime. Kinda. I had never watched the music video of ‘Links 2-3-4′ until the day of this concert. I’ve always known one existed, I just didn’t watch it because it’s full of ants and insects are my number one phobia. I haven’t willingly sought out things with insects in it for years, and I wasn’t going to start any time soon. This self-imposed ban on watching the video was broken in Stadium MK because while we were waiting, they were marathoning every single R+ music video on a large screen off to the side of the stage. I watched the whole thing then because I might as well; what the hell else was I gonna do, leave the front row?
It was actually a pretty good video once I got past the CGI bugs ick factor of it. This has nothing to do with the actual live version of the song. Why the hell have I written so much about this? Till removes his heavy coat almost as soon as the song begins. Paul starts properly fucking around with his mic. I’m seeing the virtues of being on Paul’s side very early on, and I finally get what people mean by having ‘met Paul’s eyes’ during the concert. It’s not that he’s focused on the one person, at least not as far as he outwardly presents himself, but he does seem to have a specific zone in which he regards the audience. He takes time to meet eyes with various people, smile, and acknowledge particular situations.
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03. Tattoo (Rammstein)
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Till is now dressed suitably for the Tillhammer to come out in full force. I’m not huge on ‘Tattoo’ as a song, but this is where Till really starts to gravitate towards either side of the stage, rather than at dead center. After shenanigans with Paul, as seen above, he comes over to Paul’s side (where I am) and stays for the first verse and the first ‘zeig mir deins, ich zeig' mir deins’ chorus.
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I like to think we make eye contact, but there are thousands of people behind me and he’s not an eye contact person. Just a fleeting thought.
Also I just went to look at one of the aforementioned full-length videos of this concert and someone was bouncing around an inflatable shark (?) behind me. How did they get that in? Hide it deflated in one’s clothes then inflate it while in the stadium?
04. Sehnsucht (Sehnsucht)
The last strands of ‘Tattoo’ fade immediately into ‘Sehnsucht’ with no time for a break. Till removes another layer of outerwear. Fireworks burst out at every beat leading up to the main part of the song. In retrospect, discounting their fiery entrance, ‘Sehnsucht’ is really the point where you can tell they’re warming up the pyrotechnics. I don’t remember any particular interaction between Till or the guitarists, as from what I can remember Till was busy Tillhammering at the center stage; he will move around more freely later. My memories of this song are loving but blurred, because I got into headbanging with the girls beside me and their hair was grazing my arms something awful. I have similar length hair, however, so I’m sure I was doing the same to them.
God ‘Sehnsucht’ is so good. I always think of the Live Aus Berlin performance where Till was bashing the mic against his forehead when I hear this song. Hits me right in the spot every time.
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Also: bonus Richard.
05. Zeig dich (Rammstein)
*sick guitar riffs* ‘Zeig! Dich!’
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Fuck yeah. The heat from those firebursts are brief but incredible. Now I feel most comfortable and toasted. Black smoke drifts into the sky.
Also significant ymmv based on location, but this is only about the people around and behind me: come on guys, seriously? You don’t know the lyrics! This is the third song from Rammstein already and you’ve been quiet all three times! I however give them credit for being so well behaved through the show. People further to the right of me were getting dragged out all over the place.
06. Mein Herz brennt (Mutter)
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Till trolls us with the first instance of ‘mein Herz brennt’, as the main riff doesn’t immediately begin after these words in this performance. He has a laugh about this. Other than that, the performance is as you’d expect, complete with heart pyrotechnics towards the end.
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Olli comes very close to me at the halfway point. I'm starting to worry he’s going to spend the entire concert dressed like this, though the concern is unwarranted. It seems such a hot thing to be wearing.
07. Puppe (Rammstein)
ich rEISS' DER PUPPE den KOPF! AB!
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ja, ich REISS' DER PUPPE den KOPF! AB!
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UND DANN BEISS’ ICH DER PUPPE DEN H̷AL҉S̕ ĄA̡AA͟B̵!
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E̷҉S̀͡͞ ҉̶ĢE͞͝H̷͡T͘ ̢́M͜҉I̵͜R ́͠͝N̷̴Í̷C͟͡͞H̸̀T̛̀ G̡̕U̡҉̀U̵̕U͡͠U҉UU̢U͡T̷̨̛
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Make sure you see this performance live, preferably up close. It’s beyond words.
08. Heirate mich (Herzeleid)
When I was in the queue I struck up a conversation with one of my queue buddies about what songs might be on the setlist. She had been front row for the concert in Berlin prior to this, so she already knew what we were getting into. I requested no spoilers in advance, which she kept to - but then our conversation moved to the Herzeleid-Sehnsucht era and I mentioned how I’d love to see a live performance of ‘Heirate mich’ again. It was always a wistful sadness of mine that I was born too damned early to see Till doing this.
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Not that I said outright Tillchard was the reason I liked this song.
In retrospect, she had a twinkle in her eye when I said this, because she knew that this song was on the setlist. I did not see it coming. I kept myself spoiler-free from day one of buying tickets to the actual concert itself, so it was a genuine surprise when the intro to ‘Heirate mich’ started playing. Surprise and confusion with a heaping side of mother fucking excuse me when I recognized what it was.
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Oh I went hog wild, guys.
Till does not do the dragging himself onto his knees thing in the current tour, which I think is understandable. His knees weren’t amazing twenty years ago and they are presumably even less so now. It’s a very straightforward performance, winding down to prepare for the real showstoppers - but my old wish was finally granted, Till sounded wonderful in both song and narrative, and I came away most satisfied. 11/10 would listen again.
09. Diamant (Rammstein)
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Half the band takes a break here. Flake comes down from the keyboards to sit on the stage and Olli sits beside him, providing the bass for this short beautiful little ballad. There are no fancy pyrotechnics here, nor much stage movement; it’s a sequence to make the audience aware of the overheard screen, imo, in case ‘Puppe’ didn’t do a good enough job of it. The entire performance is broadcast on that screen with the camera turning between Olli, Till, and Flake.
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Till’s voice is beautiful. It’s the most legitimately serene Rammstein performance I’ve ever seen live. They have their share of ballads - ‘Ohne dich’ will also feature later in the concert - but ‘Diamant’ is probably the most low-key of them all.
10. Deutschland (Richard Z. Kruspe Remix) / Deutschland (Rammstein)
I...
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???
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?????
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?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!
I have no words. Like ‘Puppe’, you really need to see this entire sequence live. I can say three things, however, and two are about Richard: 1) ‘Deutschland’ comes in two flavours in the tour, the second one being the glorious full version in the main album, 2) Richard avoids sounding devilish in his backing vocals (‘du hast, du hast, du hast, du hast... so heiß, so heiß, so heiß, so heiß’ etc), though I cannot guarantee he will always be as tuneful in future performances, and 3) he will not go of that coat until ‘Du hast’. DJ Kruspe is in the house and only the unrelenting flow of time can part him from his swaggity swag fluffcoat.
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But I... well, I keep remembering Till’s pink shrug every time I look at it. Remember back when we fawned over that as the brand new Rammstein outfit?
Oh my God I’ve gotten so old.
11. Radio (Rammstein)
This is probably my second favourite song of the new album and they deliver. Because ‘Deutschland’ was, well, ‘Deutschland’, it comes across as relatively low-key compared to what came before (and will after), but I like it like that. During the bridge ‘Ra-di-o... radio’ part, Paul and Richard come out with their own small synths to recreate that sound. It’s so peppy.
Paul does another small dance. Why did I neglect being on Paul’s side until now? This is great.
12. Mein Teil (Reise, Reise)
I’m half ashamed to say I spent this entire performance filming it instead of rocking out. I wanted to save it that much. It was that good.
No, it’s not fundamentally different to other performances of ‘Mein Teil’. Till keeps his usual outfit, Flake’s in the pot, there is a pot, etc. However, the pyrotechnics have changed significantly, and let’s just say that Flake endures a hell of a lot more than previous incarnations.
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And comes out of it more sprightly than before, somehow.
Marry me.
Also a bonus consequence of being front row: after this song, Till comes down the stage and walks along the barrier shaking/slapping hands with people. In his murderchef outfit. I was one of many who managed to touch his hand. It really is a very quick walk, so you’ll have to be ready with hand already out and in reaching distance (difficult if you’re short) if you want to partake in this encounter, but it does happen. Future concertgoers watch out for something like this maybe.
13. Du hast (Sehnsucht)
Can you really call it a live performance of ‘Du hast’ if the audience isn’t singing at least 50% of it in Till’s stead? But then, when else do we have that opportunity. Milton Keynes audience does not disappoint.
Also Till shoots some excellent fireworks that travels across the length of the stadium and back before crashing back onstage. I still hear their whistles in my mind. Night is beginning to fall for real, and it’s a fantastic time to be ramping up the fireworks. Evidently R+ think the same, because...
14. Sonne (Mutter)
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Daaaaaaaaammnn!!!
I have a video of this performance, but honestly it is not that useful for assessing what’s happening onstage. There is just too much fire. The video whites out continuously from all the flames mere feet away from us. ‘Sonne’ has always been a facemelting showstopper for Rammstein during live shows, but they’ve really gone above and beyond this year: the arena truly lights up like the sun for the full duration of the song. I highly recommend getting front row for this, right in front of where you can see the pyrotechnics are installed in the above gif. (Between main speakers, essentially.) Your face will burn off even more than it usually burns off during a R+ concert, and you will enjoy every minute of it.
15. Ohne dich (Reise, Reise)
Till’s in very good condition tonight. How he pulls off the slow ballads is how I tend to gauge his voice is from night to night, and he doesn’t let us down here either. The entire front row slow waves to this song, which is something I’m proud of being a part of. The girl to the left of me is weeping. The seriousness of this song still does not prevent Flake fucking around. It wouldn’t do R+ performances justice if he wasn’t like this.
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‘Ohne dich’ is considered the first ‘ending’ of the concert, meaning in reality the band’s first departure from the main stage. All six members take an initial bow before moving to the B-stage. They will return to the main stage shortly afterwards for further encores.
16. Engel (Sehnsucht)
Pros: The opening act return in their gorgeous outfits and pianos, and act as the piano instrumental for this performance.
Cons: It’s on the B-stage. I sure heard this song but didn’t see anything. God damnit I hate being five feet four.
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They provide a karaoke for people exactly in my situation, though. That’s at least something 😂
17. Ausländer (Rammstein)
You thought one R+ boat ride was awesome? HOW ABOUT THREE.
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I am going to cry. Look at it. It’s literally a Welcome sign. The sentiment of the music video to ‘Ausländer’ is perfectly retained as they surf across the audience from the B-stage.
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Also bonus ~✨👀 unintentional Tillchard moment 👀✨~ as Richard has a little slip on his way out of the boat. He was not hurt and was back onstage quickly. All this before the song even begins. I may need to upload the video of this moment.
‘Ausländer’ itself I have slightly more mixed feelings for. The song is fantastic and I have no complaints about the album version, and hearing Till cry out ‘я люблю тебя’ is always a plus. The problem with the live version is simply that the drums are too loud during the chorus: instead of a clearly enunciated ‘Ich bin Aus-län-der!’ with a drumbeat on each syllable, one hears ‘*THUD* *THUD* Aus-län-*THUD*!’. I was wearing earplugs which might have affected the quality somewhat, but people who weren’t wearing any were talking about this after the show as well, and after watching videos of the Milton Keynes performance I’m sure the drums were too loud. Your mileage may vary on whether this is a desirable effect - it lets the audience fills in the ‘ich bin’ part, I suppose - but I feel Till was unnecessarily drowned out.
18. Du riechst so gut (Herzeleid)
For me, the highlight of this song in the live version is always, always, always Richard’s evil scream-growl ‘DU RIECHST SO GUUUUUUUUUUUT’ (example here for reference). He delivers yet again.
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19. Pussy (Liebe Ist Für Alle Da)
On the whole, this performance is largely unaltered from how it usually goes. Till gestures for the audience to sing the first couple of lines, there is a dick cannon that shoots something at the audience, and Till mans the dick cannon. Last time I saw them from front row, we were all covered in a very thick white foam; this time it was bubbles, followed by a shower of white confetti. The combination was less clinging than the foam, somehow, much more pleasant to be showered with.
Only Rammstein could make me write such a sentence about dick cannons.
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Speaking of the dick cannon, though, I engaged in some discussion about it while I was waiting for the performance. This cannon has had a troubled existence, as R+ fans would know: sometimes it straight up hasn’t worked, and it’s been redesigned several times, ranging from a disturbingly realistic look to a flesh-coloured polygonal creation. This current version is the least realistic of all the dick cannons R+ have ever used. It’s just like, metal. Visibly. They haven’t gone to the extra trouble of painting it flesh-coloured. My guess is that this is because it fits with their current chrome/dark aesthetics better, R+ aren’t a band to neglect that kind of detail. As long as it works and the audience is aptly showered, what’s the problem? Let’s do it quick! 😀 And now this is entirely too many words about dick cannons, so I’ll move on.
20. Rammstein (Herzeleid)
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‘Ramm-stein!’
Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful. It is past ten o’clock and the skies have gotten dark, though not so dark you can’t see the black smoke spiraling into the air with each burst of fire. A plane flies by far above into the distance and I appreciate the poetic irony. I think I would have been happy enough if they’d ended the performance on this note, but there’s one last song left.
21. Ich will (Mutter)
I can’t think of a better finale.
This song is exactly what you’d expect, with an additional sprinkle of fireworks punctuating every pause in the lines ‘Seht ihr mich? / Versteht ihr mich? / Fühlt ihr mich? / Hört ihr mich?’. Like always, audience participation is mandatory, as is the audience showing off their hands. It is the perfect way to end the show: it’s a classic favourite, it’s neither too bright nor too grim (avoids ending on a downer note), and it’s a song exclusively written to highlight a togetherness between band and audience. ‘Ich will’ could end every R+ concert it features in, in my opinion, regardless of theme or era... and it will always be appropriate.
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The concert really ends after that. It helps that Till addresses his farewell to us as ‘fucking Milton Keynes’ (in a wholly fond way) before they depart. I won’t speak about the details of how they leave, because that’s almost a small show of its own, but trust me when I say I was in tears.
I say that like that didn’t happen at least three times during the concert.
----------------------------
After it’s all over, I... don’t get to go back to my hotel and sleep. Not after a lot of waiting, anyway. Over 30,000 people are trying to leave this stadium all at once, the traffic congestion is awful and there are pretty much no taxis/uber rides available in the couple of hours following the concert. I eventually end up sitting in the McDonalds (only 24hr restaurant nearby) with queue buddies until roughly 1am until the surge goes down and I can pay the amount I promised myself for my uber.
I could have gone back earlier. I budgeted over a hundred pounds to see myself through the price surge, in case it didn’t go down as quickly as I hoped, or if I urgently needed to get myself out of danger. It was just that the predictor was showing something like fifty to eighty quid for a ten-minute ride back to my hotel and, like. Fuck that. There’s being able to ‘afford’ it, and then being able to afford it, and I can think of better ways to spend fifty pounds.
And to be honest, after over a half day of hunger, even McDonalds was one of those better places. I had a meal and a Sprite before I could get out of there. It was probably the first time I’d had something resembling a legit meal in two days and if I hadn’t been so ecstatic I think I’d have been depressed. Then I got back to my hotel. Made myself a hot chocolate with brandy. Passed out on my bed around 3am, then got back up around 7am to enjoy a nice morning bath and get myself back home. It was around 5pm on Sunday when I returned to Brighton, ears still ringing, feeling on cloud nine.
So that’s me. Future concertgoers, take as many opportunities as possible to go see Rammstein’s current tour live. Front row may be near impossible if you aren’t a LIFAD member and/or get pre-releases for the Feuer Zone (although Milton Keynes didn’t have that) but try to get as close as possible, anyway. It is not an experience to be missed.
Though also bring an umbrella, maybe. If your stadium allows it. It was a fucking trip surviving 12+ hours in the great outdoors and then immediately being rained on while on front row 😰
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sheepishlyshippingsheep · 5 years ago
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Just 9pm thoughts
Sometimes, I think my readers don’t deserve what I write xD and sometimes I think my stories don’t deserve the views and kudos?
I tell myself I write for myself because it’s true. I like what I write. But I also know that there are days that my writing is meh but I want to beat the challenges I tell to myself so I publish it as it is because that’s the best I could do for the day. Then when I look back, oh shoot, how did that pass to my standards?
There is still some pride in whatever work I do because I know I invest time on it especially with a full-time job xD My friends and co-workers call me crazy because I type at lunch and rush home to write (because traffic is so bad in my country). I wake up at 3am, leave at 4am to get to the office (two cities away) before 6am. Because I gotta work for 8 hours, if I get later, I’d be joining the morning rush and the evening rush. LOL am rambling. But what am saying is I literally fight sleep just to be able to write in this wacko schedule.
But I too think I’m being crazy because I’ve been putting so much dedication to what I’m doing but sometimes it just feels meh. But I don’t want to stop because once I do, it might spiral down and continue. And I don’t want that to happen.
It’s not that I don’t want to post my work because I post it to remind myself that I actually finished something. And they often say that a finished faulty work is always better than unfinished draft. Aaand I just try to tell that to myself.
So what’s my point? IDK. Thanks for coming to my TED talk. *shot*
But yeah I don’t really know my point. The thoughts just sprawled and I felt like I had to type it out. Might delete? IDK
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yoosungs-blush · 6 years ago
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Update!
Hello~~
It’s been a while since I last posted anything and for that I apologise! I hope this first month of 2019 has been treating you well ^^
I’m hoping to get something up before the end of the month though, so be on the lookout,
I just wanted to post something because today (29/01) is the one year anniversary of when I officially joined the RFA!
I thought it was the 30th but nope it was today? This time last year I got an android emulator running on my Mac and finally decided I wasn’t gonna wait to buy a phone to live out my dream of playing Mystic Messenger haha
Which by the way, playing on a very much non-portable computer, is not something I would recommend. It’s just as well I literally never leave the house for anything except for 2 hours when I volunteer because even when I was inside I was glued to my computer, constantly checking for new chat rooms. Ohmygosh the FEAR of missing a chat room when I didn’t have the advantage of a portable phone with data when WiFi was unavailable actually took over my life for the month and half that I played before I got a phone with the right specs.
I remember there was this time where I’d preplanned the next 11 days while on my first route for Zen, and on the Friday I was supposed to leave at 2:30, and walk down to the library for my volunteer shift for an hour. Of course there was a chat room at 3:00 or something, and then another just after 4 which marked the beginning and end of my volunteer hour so unless I found a way to haul this big heavy computer down to the library I was gonna miss my first chat room WHICH WAS AN ABSOLUTE NO. Preserve the hourglasses at all times!!!
So INSTEAD I went down to the library an hour earlier, and I was so tense and worried that I’d missed something in my planning that I practically ran home afterwards. At least I didn’t miss a chat room that time haha
The early morning chats were the ones that sucked to do on a computer though. You know how you kinda just sit in bed half asleep and try to get the 4am chats to go as fast as possible because you’re actually about to die from sleepiness? Before I adapted to this new early morning life, I found it super hard to stay up past 2am which meant I basically just struggled to stay away for 2 hours of torture
Sometimes, I would doze off though and I’d wake up in a panic thinking I’d missed the chat, only to realize I still had an hour to go 😔 So I’d stake out at my desk, do the chat room, set my alarm to half an hour before the first chat room of the next morning which is when they’re like 6am ones, and until I got a phone I trained myself to jump out of bed immediately when my alarm went off and rush to my computer. Since actually starting the emulator up took a long time on my computer, I always had to take that into account when I was planning out my day. I was obsessed basically, but the routes made everything worth it.
Then I got a phone and that thing might as well have been an angel because then I WAS SAVED. Although, I did miss a lot more chat rooms once I realised I didn’t have to jump out of bed every morning - lolol my alarm that I’d been using was the startup music to the game, and it felt like a fire alarm. It would go off and I’d jump up like ALERT ALERT YOU ARE NEEDED BY THE ANIME BOYS THIS IS NOT A DRILL GET THE CHATROOM OR BE CRUSHED BY REGRET AND DEBTS FROM BUYING HOURGLASSES TO RECOVER
It was traumatic haha
But yeahhh, that was my beginning to this wonderful fandom and how I was lead to creating this blog ^^ To the person reading this, what day did you join the RFA?
I’ll post new Yoosung content in the next day or two, but until then bye~~~!
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electric-mindfulness-blog · 6 years ago
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Seb and Ed
This is a continuation of a story I found a while ago, it’s a story that really resonated with me, I’ll post the links at the end.
It’s been two years. I hadn’t thought about Ed for all that time until today. A letter arrived in my flat, a week after I moved in, I had just finished uni and had a decent job, and was planning on having a housewarming party. I had been out to collect supplies at around midday, and when I arrived a letter had been posted through, or rather slipped under, my door. It had three words in a familiar, unjoined chicken-scratch style writing.
To Seb.
Then underneath, slightly smaller, as if the writer had been hesitant,
Ed.
It took me several moments to realise I had been standing in the doorway of my flat, staring at the letter for at least a minute; I had dropped my bags, cans, bottles and tubes of snacks and junk food falling across the floor. It was only when the woman from the opposite flat came out and asked me if everything was ok, that I snapped out of my reverie. It hadn’t registered that I had simply dropped two large bags of shopping: she looked distinctly concerned.
“Yeah.. I’m fine, just had a moment” I grinned, unconvincingly, but she seemed placated. She nodded with a frown and retreated back into her flat.
Shoving the letter into my back pocket, I scrabbled across the floor to pick up the detritus that had spilled from my bags, moving unnervingly fast, as if cleaning a crime scene.
Later that day, sat in my room I glared at the letter, unopened, on my windowsill in front of my desk. I willed it to open itself, to save me the task. Needless to say it didn’t. Eventually after trying to distract myself from it for two hours I couldn’t resist it any longer. I ripped it open on one end and tore the letter out, my eyes absorbing every word on the page one letter at a time, savouring the familiar scratchy writing.
Seb,
It’s been a while, I’ve never known what to say to you, and I’ve never been brave enough to call or text. I’m so sorry for how I treated you, I was in a bad place. Luring you into a setup like that was a shitty thing to do, and I really wish I hadn’t done it.
Truth is, things got worse after you left Birmingham. Me and my flatmates fell out, they left and I eventually had to leave as well, I’ve been living with Catherine for a while. Like you said, she is a good friend but.. she isn’t you.
I saw the post you put up about a housewarming party, and I’m sorry to say that I asked one of your friends for your address, I couldn’t help myself. If you want me to come then I will, if not... I understand.
Ed.
I read it and reread it several times. Several thoughts raced through my head, the first of which being how pissed off I was that he had effectively stalked me to get my address, and actually come here, second I was more enraged that I hadn’t been in when he had delivered it. I don’t know what I would’ve done so perhaps it’s best I wasn’t. And finally, a deep pang of guilt in the pit of my stomach for how I had walked out all that time ago, and the empty space in my life that had appeared since I had pushed him away.
He had been my friend since primary school, we had done everything- literally everything- together, we always sat next to eachother on the bus, we would walk to and from school with eachother, we fancied the same people and fought over the same stupid shit, but we were thick as thieves. But what he did had hurt me, not physically, but it hurt me in a dark and unspeakable way, unspeakable because I hadn’t thought about or revisited what happened with him two years previously; I’d also not met with any other men or women since.
The letter had thrown me. Throwing it down on my bed, I picked up my phone, and flicked through my contacts. I thumbed to “E”, and scrolled down until I saw his name. It seemed to stand out like a beacon .
Eddie.
My thumb hovered over his name for a second. Do I call? What would I say after two years of radio silence? “Hi Ed you fucked me over and lured me into a two hour fuck sesh that I thought was a trick to help you break up with your girlfriend”?
No.. I should text. I thought, less awkward that way. I hope. I tapped the little message bubble next to his name, and tapped out a brief message.
Got your letter. Come down a day before the party, 3:30pm Saturday.
Again, my thumb hovered. Before I could second-guess myself, I tapped send. Part of me hoped it would flash and say “message send failure” but no such luck. It sent through instantly, and no less than two seconds flat after it had arrived, the little “sent” became “read”. My breath faltered, it was strange being this close to him but so many miles away at the same time. The thought the we were almost staring at eachother through our words gave me an uneasy shiver.
See you soon.
I clicked my phone off, it’s Wednesday. I thought two days. Shit.
I busied myself by cleaning the flat, moving furniture, rearranging shelves and crockery, anything to distract me from the thoughts whizzing through my head. The following two days passed in a blur.
Saturday morning came, I woke up at 4am, and sat in my bedroom on the bay window, panes wide open, leg dangling out five storeys over the main road. There was no traffic, save for the odd early morning worker, and some cyclists. I picked up a pack of cigarettes: empty. I swore and threw the pack out the window. I slid back inside, throwing on some joggers and a baggy old T-shirt from the bottom of my draw, threw on some trainers and headed down the stairs- the elevator was yet again out of action- and out the door of the flat. I jogged to the local offlicense, and grabbed a six pack of some imported beer, and a few packs of Marlborough superkings. I ambled slowly back home, my head alive with every possible outcome of the day. This could be the total end or the new beginning of us I thought. I sat on the bench outside the flat building for a half hour, listening to the sounds of the early morning, birds, distant car engines, late night party-goers straggling home, laughter and tears. It reminded me of the morning after the night before with Ed. I cursed out loud. Violently, scaring several small animals nearby.
Back inside my flat, still groggy from sleep, I checked the clock, the red digits flashed 4:30am in its repetitive rhythm. How had it only been a half hour? I slipped out of my shoes and joggers, and threw on a long, dark green dressing gown. I wondered into the kitchen, put the beer in the fridge, and opened one of the packs of cigarettes. I sat back on the windowsill and lit it. I hadn’t smoked in a long time, and I savoured the first breath, holding the flame at the end and inhaling deeply. My breathing slowed. How long have I been hyperventilating for? And why?
But I knew why. I was seeing him for the first time in what seemed like forever, though it had only been two years. I had so many questions, so much anger and sadness and feelings that I hadn’t dealt with since I had left. And it scared me. I sat on the windowsill for a long while, reminiscing, and half dozing, all the while chaining the twenty pack, leaving a gap of barely five minutes between the last and next.
It was only when my alarm went off, signalling 6am, that I snapped back into reality, the city was alive now, traffic bustling below me, shops opening, rubbish trucks and postmen. I slipped inside and got changed. I looked into my mirror and froze. The T shirt I had grabbed from the bottom of my draw was his. Ed’s. It was a baggy old concert tee, scribbled on and doctored, ripped and safety-pinned and stitched and patched. Everything about it screamed Ed. I was torn between throwing it out of the window and crying at this point. Instead, I had a roiling wave of rage wash over me, and I slammed my fist into the mirror: I instantly regretted it. The weak frame buckled from the force of impact and my hand went straight through; shards of glass rained down onto the floor, and I gained a Large ugly slash and several stinging cuts across the back of my hand. I yanked off the shirt and wrapped my hand up, heading to the kitchen to clean it up.
After finding a dated first aid kit buried under the sink, I managed to properly bandage my hand and forearm with sturdy, albeit old, medical wraps and adhesive tape. I glanced at the microwave, the shining green numbers emblazoned 7:45, it was still dark outside, the sky was gloomy, as it had been all autumn, making it seem a lot darker than it should have been. I threw the bloodied shirt down on the counter by the sink, I’d come back to that later. I went and lay down on my bed for a while, finishing off the first pack of cigarettes, and rattling off some essays and letters on my laptop. A few hours later, my room stank, even though the window was open, the cigarettes had carved their odour into the walls, and the old porcelain ashtray was full to overflowing with ash and dogends, and there was a strong smell of my own B.O, and of stale tea and incense. It all mingled together to form a not entirely unpleasant but strong smell that strongly resembled the inside of a youth club. Or a brothel.
It was now 1:30 and the sounds of the city had dulled to a hum that I only just registered. I made myself some food, sat down and waited. Having moved all the furniture around, I was sat on a large, blue, five-person sofa in the far corner of the room, the door directly in front of me. My phone buzzed.
On the train now, eta one hour twenty minutes
Nothing I can do now. I stared at the text. It’s really happening I thought. I had secretly been hoping to myself that I would wake up suddenly, but the dull throbbing ache of my pulse across the back of my hand reminded me, all too painfully, that it was happening, however much I wished otherwise. I lit another cigarette, and as I did, I heard a familiar, slightly high pitched voice drift up through the open window, swearing at someone. He’s here. No backing out now. Steeling myself, I went to the door, the phone on the wall rang. I lifted it up, pressed the button marked with an old cinema ticket with “admit one” on its front and put the phone down. I wonder how he got in the other day. Another question to add to the list. I unlocked the front door, and sharpied an arrow on the front. Below I scribbled
This way for the party>>
And I went back inside, leaving the door slightly ajar, to my room, again leaving that door open too. I still had the cigarette in my hand, but it had burnt out. The smell of stale tobacco hit my nostrils and I threw it out the window, taking a fresh one from the pack and lighting it. No sooner than I’d taken the first drag, I heard a voice behind me.
“So you still do lucky lasts then?” He was nervous. His voice was a little pitchy, but it was him. His delicate southwestern accent pulling his A’s out. Laasts.
I inhaled sharply, and turned slowly. He looked.. stunning. He didn’t appear to have aged, his thick black hair was a little longer, and had a deep green streak through it, he was wearing fur lined denim jacket and black jeans, with a red scarf and fingerless gloves to guard against the cold. He seemed skinnier, his eyes were gaunt and his jaw was more prominent than I remembered. But it was ed. I ran forward.
Fin.
https://www.nifty.org/nifty/gay/college/straight-guys-messing-around/ these are the original stories
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so-hoseok · 6 years ago
Text
The New Kid (5)
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genre: fluff
words: 2.5K
Previous Chapters: 1 2 3 4
The next few days sneaking around with Jungkook were the best days of my life so far. We had a tradition where every time it turned 1:30am we’d leave the house and go wherever the world was taking up. We’d sometimes end up at this ice cream place that’s open 24/7, sometimes we went into the city and looked at the lights, but my favorite of all was when one of us were stressed or upset we’d go to the hill we went to during our first date and just lay there and talk things through. He honestly has changed my life for the better, I just wish we wouldn’t have to be sneaking around. I want him to come over and watch movies on my couch while cuddling, or go on dates when the sun was out and more to do. We both knew it couldn’t be that way because of my issue with Veronica and his issue with his parents. If they knew he was sneaking out late at a night with a girl, they’d take away his college funds and everything. We made a pact that we would never tell anyone about anything we were doing to make 100% sure nothing came out. As well as, everytime the date would be over (sometimes around like 6am before we had to leave for school at 7am) he would always play the same song, Sam Smith’s “Way to Good At Goodbyes” as i opened the door and walked to my front door. He was super a nerd, he would have a frown on his face and wave goodbye slowly as he started to fake cry. He made me so happy, a different kind of happy no one else could make me. We still hadn’t put a label on what we were which was okay with me, kind of. I mean, I liked doing what we had been doing but it would be nice to be called “his girlfriend” from time to time. I opened my front door as I heard Jungkook’s daily goodbye song fade away behind me as he went to pull around to his house. I slowly shut the door and walked to the living room as quietly as I could since my mother would probably still be sleeping. I peeked into her room and saw that it was empty, my heart sunk. What if she had been watching Jungkook and me from the moment we left the neighborhood to just now when we parted ways. I shut her door and walked into the kitchen noticing a single light from the living room was on.
“Hey honey, why are you up so early?” My mother said. She was sitting on the couch with some coffee and a book she was reading.
“Why are you awake?” I ask back trying to sound like I had just woken up.
“I couldn’t sleep, for some reason, I felt really anxious. I went to your room to see if I could sleep with you but you weren’t there.” She says with a stern tone in her voice. I hadn’t heard her speak like that since before dad died. My heart started racing and my hands were getting sweaty, was this the first time I was going to get really bad in trouble? I had never gotten in trouble before besides the occasional mishap here and there that she handled calmly and didn’t punish me.
“I...I... went for a jog.” I said.
“You went for a jog at 4am?” She said confused.
“Yeah, I woke up and suddenly got the urge to get out of the house and I didn’t want to wake you up so I left without notice,” I said, if I was going to get in trouble, I’d want it to be a small reason and not running around with a boy.
“Oh, okay. I guess that’s fine then. But make sure I know next time, I don’t care if you wake me up. I’d rather be woken up by you then an ambulance saying you’re dead.” She says taking a sip of her coffee.
“Yes, of course, I’m sorry,” I said smiling at her before making my way back to my room to rush and get ready for school. I sat at my vanity wondering if I should even put on makeup. I looked like hell but I was too tired that the thought of doing so made me wanna scream and cry. All of a sudden this light started flashing towards my window directly into my eyes. I looked out the window and saw Jungkook sitting near his window with his flashlight. I went to text him but he started flashing the light even more to get my attention. He put down his flashlight and grabbed a piece of paper and a marker. He sat there for a good 5 minutes trying to figure out which way to write the words so that I could read them because the whole trying to write things backward is pretty challenging. He finally finished and held his paper up to the window.
“My dad saw me come in the house and took my phone away, this will have to do for communication.” The note read. I felt sorry for him, that was the one thing he did not want to happen and it did. His parents must’ve been furious at him. I quickly searched my room for a paper and pen and started to write my response to him.
“We can be like Taylor Swift and that random guy in her music video.” I wrote back. Jungkook started laughing as he was writing down something else.
“I’m sorry but I don’t think we can do these dates anymore, at least for the time being.” He wrote back. My heart shattered, I wouldn’t get to spend alone time with Jungkook anymore. For the past 4 days, that’s all I’ve ever thought about and what made me happy. But I guess I understand, I’d want him to understand the situation if the same thing were to happen to me.
“I understand, we can stick to talking this way if that’ll be better.” I wrote back. His face lit up from happiness. Before he could write Yoongi walked into his room. He stood there for a few seconds talking to Jungkook, they looked like they were having a fight. Yoongi kept making eye contact with me and pointing in my direction and Jungkook was flailing his arms around angrily. I decided to let them have their privacy and closed my blinds. I wondered what they were fighting about but most likely it was just normal brotherly fighting. I quickly took a shower and got ready for school as the exhaustion hit me. I couldn’t pick up my shampoo I was so tired. I had to get to school to see who made the team but I knew I couldn’t last all day without crashing in the middle of the hallway. After my shower, I did all the normal steps to getting ready and went downstairs.
“Hey mom, is it okay if I leave school a little early today? I’m just not feeling well.” I asked my mom.
“Do you feel sick?” She asked as she put some food on my plate for breakfast.
“No, I’m just really exhausted and feel burned out,” I told her. Which wasn’t a total lie, I was really exhausted from being out so late every night but she didn’t have to know that.
“Yeah, I guess it’s all right. Just make sure you don’t have any tests or anything coming up you’d need to be there for.” She said smiling at me. I ran over to her and gave her a thank you kiss on the cheek as I grabbed my waffle and ran out the door. I had left the house pretty early so I pulled out my phone and went to call Veronica to see if I could just come over for a little bit.
“Hey..” I looked up from my phone and saw Yoongi sitting on the edge of my porch like he had been waiting for me.
“Hey, what’s up?” I asked confused, why would he wait for me to talk to me when he had my number.
“I just wanted to ask you something, are you and my brother a thing?” He said. My blood rushed out of me from those words. I instantly got cold, if Jungkook had told him everything I’m going to be so angry at him. We promised each other it was going to be a secret.
“Why?” I asked.
“I saw that Jungkook had gotten home pretty late and heard my mom yelling at him. When I went to go ask him what happened I saw you guys talking through the windows.” He said looking down at the ground like he was upset or something.
“It was nothing honestly, I went out for a run and got lost and needed him to come to get me.” I lied.
“Oh okay, I guess that’s okay. Just be careful with my brother, he’s known to hurt girls and I don’t want you to do experience that.” He said back. I suddenly got angry, why would Yoongi say this about Jungkook. Sure he’s his brother and knows a lot more but he hasn’t seen the side of him like I have.
“You’re lying,” I said laughing at him angrily. Before Yoongi could respond, Veronica honked at me notifying me that she was here. I waved goodbye to Yoongi before running to the car and getting in.
“What was that about?” Amanda said.
“Nothing, I was helping him study and he needed a few last minute reviews before his test today.” I lied again. When did my life become one huge lie? Amanda nodded and turned back around as Veronica pressed on the gas. Halfway to school my phone vibrated killing the jam out session we were having since my phone was on the AUX.
Yoongi: I’m serious, be careful.
I ignored the message. He’s playing a game with me and I’m not here for it at all. I enjoy my time with Jungkook, he makes me feel like I’m the only girl in the world and that someone actually cares for me. I’m not going to listen to an outsider who doesn’t know what he is truly like. We get to school and all of us instantly run to the corkboard to see who had made the team. I knew I was going to make it so I wasn’t as nervous, It was tomorrow that I was nervous about. The day I find out if I made captain or not. By the time we had made it to the board, there was a whole group of girls standing in front of it. You heard an abundance of screams and tears as some made it and some did not. Veronica and Amanda grabbed my arm and pushed through the crowd to get to the front.
“OH, MY GOD!” Veronica yelled.
“HOLY SHIT!” Amanda screamed right behind her. I looked up to the board and scrolled through the names on the list, and did not see my name. My heart dropped and I felt tears coming on. What the hell did I do? I had made team for the past 2 years and now I’m getting kicked off, right when scouts are going to be looking at me at the games. I did one more sweep through the list of names going all the way down and there I was.
Emily Davis- Captain
I instantly screamed along with Veronica and Amanda. We all formed a big three person hug and were jumping up and down. I started to cry tears of joy. I wanted to basically run around the whole school jumping and screaming for joy. I had worked so hard for this opportunity and everything was falling into place in my life. I was captain of the team, my grades were better than ever, Jungkook and I were together. Life was amazing at this point. The bell rang signaling all of us to go to class, I did not want to. I wanted to run back home and celebrate with my mom or better yet, find Jungkook. We all parted our ways to go to class as I ran around the school trying to catch Jungkook before he went to his homeroom. I saw Yoongi walking into the school and immediately ran to him.
“Yoongi!! I got captain!!” I yelled jumping into his arms. I did not care if we weren’t friends at this point or that this was probably super awkward for him but I was so excited I needed to hug literally everyone.
“Oh my god Emily that’s amazing!!” He said back smiling super big.
“Where’s Jungkook, I have to tell him too,” I said looking behind him thinking Jungkook would be walking in as well.
“He went over to the soccer field to get in a few more goals before the first game this weekend, but Emily..”
“Thank you, I have to go tell him, I’ll see you tonight for another study session okay?” I said before running off to the field. I had 5 minutes before I had to get to class but I did not care at all, all I wanted was to see Jungkook and tell him the good news. By the time I had made it to the field, no one was there. I walked around the edge of the field thinking that I had missed him and would have to wait till later on in the day to tell him, but I couldn’t wait. I took one more look all around and saw someone leaning up against the entrance to the school. Maybe it was him. I ran over to the entrance and sure enough, it was him...and Sarah...with her hands in his hair… laughing and smiling. My heart dropped. This isn’t real, it’s probably not even him. Before I could say anything, Sarah noticed me.
“Oh hey, Emily! Congrats on captain! I guess we’ll be together a lot this season since I’m captain for JV.” She said causing the boy to turn around suddenly at the hearing of my name. Sure enough, it was Jungkook. He looked shocked and sad as he connected his eyes with mine.
“T...Thanks, I..uh...I better get going.” I said fast walking past them. I heard Jungkook call my name from behind me but I kept walking and ignoring it. I could feel the tears wanting to escape my eyes with every step I took. I finally decided to make my way to the bathroom instead of first period to let out all of my emotions in the privacy of a stall. Before I could turn the corner, my arm was jerked back which forced me to turn around. Jungkook had caught up with me.
“It’s not what it looked like.” He said looking down at me.
“No, I get it honestly. You got tired of sneaking around with me and decided you wanted something real. I understand.” I said trying to escape his hold. It only got tighter.
“You’re an amazing girl Emily and you know..”
“Just stop it okay? Save yourself the embarrassment.” I said escaping his hold finally and making my way around the corner, back on my path to the bathroom.
“Emily…” I heard from behind me. I turned around and saw Veronica standing where I was before with Jungkook. Oh shit.
“Hey..” I said walking towards her. She looked angry and sad all at once, I hadn’t seen her like this since she was dumped by her ex-boyfriend last year.
“Sneaking around…” She said shaking her head at me as a single tear fell from her eyes.
“V I can explain,” I said running over to her. She put her hand out to signal me to stop.
“No, let me explain. We made a promise, dibs is dibs and nothing changes that. You lied to me, you lied to Amanda. That’s not what friends do.” She said as more tears started flowing out. I started to cry as well, I never meant for any of this to be the way it was. I never wanted any of this to happen. Today was suppose to be a good day, the best day of the year. Before I could say anything, Veronica turned around and started walking away from me. It was like every step she took shattered my heart even more than how it already was. I really screwed things up. Jungkook, Veronica, Amanda, hell maybe even my own mother. These were all things that weren’t supposed to happen and they did and it doesn’t even feel real. This feels like it’s all something I’m dreaming of. I can’t just wake up from this, this isn’t a dream. It’s reality.
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aquarianlights · 7 years ago
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1-50, bitch. 💕
Oh. . . . .oh no. . . I asked for this, didn’t I? WELP. HERE WE GO!
[I had a LOT of fun with everything that I got to put pictures and gifs into. Especially the aesthetic one. Holy wow. I’d love to see if anyone else has similar aesthetics to me???]
Putting this under a read more because the length of this is gonna be ridiculous.
1. Have you met your soul mate?
Yes. I’m responding to her right now in this ask. (: I’ve also met my two platonic soul mates, as well.
2. Favorite color when you were younger, and now?
I would like to say clear and cerulean were tied, but no one ever thinks of clear as a colour so. . .doin’ a frustrate. Now, it would be clear and electric ocean blue. Like the one colour in my hair that I will never be able to replicate.
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That one. Electric ocean blue.
3. Do you wear eye-shadow? What color?
I do. VERY rarely, but I do. Normally, it’s blue or some form of cool colour. Sometimes I do a blue and purple ombre fade. But, uh, recently I’ve been doing warm colours and it looks very, uh. . .strange. I’ve been going for a more subtle look so that it’s not as noticeable when I *do* wear makeup. I’ve been trying to get as close to skin tone as possible while still making it a little darker to distinctly be eye shadow. I’ve been wearing this, uh. . .kind of burnt orange, sort of red eye shadow, I guess you could say? It doesn’t look *bad* on me, but I’m not a huge fan of it, either. I’m just trying to look more professional lately and that means toning it down on the make-up on the rare occasion I do wear any. I am enjoying getting in touch with my professional side and developing him since he doesn’t really exist, but it’s been difficult. Thankfully, there’s quite a few seminars in my vet tech school about professionalism. I’m sure there will be more in pre-med.
4. Are you in love right now?
I am, indeed. I’m answering this ask from her. :) I’ve been in love with her for quite some time, I’d say.
5. In your opinion, is love at first sight real?
I would have to say probably not. Lust at first sight is real. Love? Nahhhhh, I’m not sure I’m a believer. Haha. I feel like I fell in love with Tiffy at first sight. . .but I didn’t even actually “see” her, since we met online. I have never fell in love at first sight. I have thought I have, but I was wrong. I did fall in love with Tiffy not but shortly after meeting her. But she was really the only one, tbh.
6. Are you an optimist, realist, opportunist, or pessimist?
I am a pragmatist. I’d have to say, out of these, a realist. I would like to be an opportunist, though. I do not think I am, but it’s possible that I am. Not entirely sure, though. I need to be to get through med school and I need to be until I get well established in my career path. Hmm, how does one condition oneself to be an opportunist? I guess it helps that I am not a pessimist or an optimist already. I am a scientist through and through so I only listen to the facts. I only relay the facts. I only see the facts. I only believe in the facts. Looking at it positively or negatively doesn’t do anyone any good. Things are just as they are and that’s that. No use being positive or negative about it. So I suppose it helps to be a pragmatist when you want to condition yourself to be an opportunist, yeah?
7. First kiss details? (If you haven’t been kissed, reply how and if you would like to be.)
I feel like I have told this one before! I’m gonna get the details differently this time, though, because specifics are always missing from my mind as the memory ages and this was a LONG fucking time ago.
I don’t know which one counts as my first real one. The one in, like, kindergarten where a boy and I kissed because of a grass eating tournament and a playground thing? [Don’t ask. Lol.]
Or the one in 5th grade. I’m pretty sure everyone would say the one in 5th grade. It involved me, my friend, a boy and his friend. We all excused ourselves to go to the bathroom one by one which was no easy feat in a private catholic school. We met up at the designated spot in one of the back side hallways out of the ways of the camera. We had our two friends with us because we wanted to have them as witnesses that we would be the first ones in our class to kiss. But we were super nervous for some reason. And they ended up pushing us together. And we basically just pecked lips and that was that. . .LMAO. We were all super giddy after that. We then had to all sneak back to the classroom one by one at weird intervals to make it look normal. I’m sure the teacher knew something was up, but back then, we felt like the sneakiest kids alive and we thought we hadn’t gotten caught with anything. Pffft.
8. Do you own stickers, an stationary?
Oh my god, DO I?! HAHAHA. THESE ARE ONE OF THE MAIN THINGS I COLLECT! My door was COVERED from top to bottom in stickers growing up and it was my prized possession because it was my sticker collection. I put every sticker I had on that door. So when we moved. . .I had my parents take the fucking door with us. . .It’s literally outside of my old room in the basement at my parents house. The entire fucking door with all those stickers on it. HAHA. Know what I miss? Bowling alley stickers. UGH. The ONE AND ONLY THING my father used to do with me as a kid was bring me to the bowling alley and I would ALWAYS get stickers. And those bowling alley french fries were my favourite things on the entire planet and I haven’t had them since I was a kid and I would literally fucking kill a man to taste those again. . .but the bowling alley that I was in when I was a little kid back in the 90′s where I got all those stickers and got the most amazing french fries in the entire world burned down before we moved. :/ And yes I also collect stationary. I have a ridiculous amount of stationary. Hah.
9. What’s your aesthetic?
I have way too many aesthetics. Yeesh. . .Uhhhhhh. . .lessee.
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Okay, I’m gonna stop, but DEAR GOD THAT WAS THE MOST FUN I HAVE EVER HAD ANSWERING A QUESTION AND I HONEST-TO-GOD THOUGHT IT WAS GOING TO BE ANNOYING!
Also, that last picture. . .I saved it to my computer from someone. I don’t know the credit to the photographer. If someone can find the credit, tell me and I will add it in. It’s from one of the autumn blogs I follow. But that photograph evoked so much emotion in me and I have *never* had to stop and stare at a photograph for so long. That photograph would be something I would like to buy and hang as an original print in my house. That is something I could not help but save because it is my *EXACT*.... Idk how to explain. Every single thing about that picture evokes pure happiness in me. That time of day when the sun is going down and lighting is bathing you in that little bit of warm orange Halloween themed glow as it starts to get freezing at night. . .you can literally see how nice and cool and crisp the air is and how absolutely perfect the weather is. . .how the leaves are falling and crunchy. . .It’s perfect because it’s not in a forest so you’re not trapped in nature, but there are trees everywhere and there is that nice brick layout. . .what looks like shops or a campus of some sort. . .benches, a place to sit with your love [Tiffy, oh my GOD]...those street lamps are very literally perfect. . .the shade is wonderful. . .I cannot even begin to explain the emotion of happiness this evokes. I cannot explain it in any other word. Joy does not fit. Euphoria does not fit. It’s literally “Happiness”. That is what this picture is. “Happiness”. Bring me into that picture and I would feel full and gleeful and warm and filled to the brim with energy and contentedness and I would be able to forget all of my worries and all of my stress would melt away and all of my responsibilities would either fall to the wayside or just not seem so daunting or urgent anymore. . .time would slow down. . .my body would feel lighter and healthier. . .my mind would be clearer. . .That is basically what I need to be happy.
10. Do you wear dresses, and skirts?
No, I do not. I used to enjoy wearing them and I still like the idea of wearing them, but now every time I put one on, it feels horribly dysphoric and hurts me. I’m sure when I fully transition, I will feel a lot more comfortable wearing both.
11. What is your hair like?
Uhhh. . .blonde with white streaks in it now (just bleached it today and put white toner in the bleach). It’s incredibly soft and fluffy. Obviously more brittle than someone who has never used product on their hair ever, but for someone who has been bleaching their hair every few months and dyeing their hair practically every month since they were 13 (and are now 26)? My hair is stupid soft and fluffy. Imagine a soft, fluffy cat. . .just. . .a giant furry ball of cat. . .Pet that. . .you have my hair. And, also yes, that is an invitation to pet me. I absolutely love being pet.
12. Does time go by fast or slow to you?
Usually slow.
13. What time do you go to bed? What time do you wake up?
On the rare occasion that I go to sleep at all, I end up sleeping around 2-4am. And honestly anywhere from 6am-10am is a fair time for me to wake up, but that’s gonna have to stop coz classes are starting in 2 DAYS GAH!!!! And my first class starts at 11am, which means I gotta be up and ready by 10, at least, on my first few weeks! GAH.
14. Favorite sweet food?
Is this even a question??? Chocolate, of course! Every kind of chocolate! I’m not too fond of white chocolate, which is ironic, because white chocolate used to be my favourite kind growing up. Now dark chocolate is my favourite and I used to absolutely hate dark chocolate growing up.
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15. Tea, coffee, or hot cocoa?
Tea! Specifically, green tea! I love citrus infused green tea, but I’ll take any sort of green tea. :)
16. Space, Ocean, City, or Forest?
[Answered.]
17. Favorite game as a child?
I, uh. . .well, Pokemon Stadium was one. Then there was, uh. . .Trivial Pursuit was my favourite board game. And then my friends and I played a really fucking weird game when we were really young. We had a bunch of McDonald’s plastic toys (like. . the food and drinks) and we had a pool at my house with a jacuzzi that had a waterfall. One of us would stay up in the jacuzzi and hold ourselves up with our arms over the waterfall (which was hard to do because we were so young and so short) and then the others of us would get on one of those floaty mat things and we would go through the “drive thru” and “order” and it would be like.... adulting and we’d pay with plastic money. LMAO. And then there was uh. . .being dogs. There is that mush stuff from Oliver & Company, yeah? This stuff?
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Well, it just looked SO GODDAMN DELICIOUS when he ate it all the fucking time that we decided to make our own. We made ours out of yogurt and put chocolate chips in it. It was SO fucking good!!! And we would put yourselves in a cage and put our yogurt with chocolate chips in a bowl and eat it like that.
And then there was the game when I had two trampolines but one trampoline was falling apart and had half of it undone because the springs were broken. We asked my parents to keep it up. We were still little here, too. We pulled the trampolines together with a small gap between them and we would pretend to be lions from The Lion King and The Lion King II: Simba’s Pride and we would have to jump back and forth on all fours while chasing each other. SURPRISINGLY. . .no one ever got hurt. Idk how the fuck we managed that. I guess we were all pretty adept at trampolines since we were on them literally every single day.
There was also the bike riding game where we pretended we were secret agents chasing down a bad guy. One of us would play the bad guy and the others would play the FBI agents.
There were a LOT. . .lmao. I wish I could remember the one that my next door neighbour and I used to play where we would go through all the really jungle-esque parts of the yard and explore and act like we were tour guides or something. I don’t remember what that one was about, but it involved climbing trees and I cannot tell you how many times I have had the wind knocked out of me from falling out of the super tall tree in the front yard of the house I grew up in. Getting the wind knocked out of you is the worst fucking feeling in the entire world. I wonder if that’s what bronchospasms feel like. I wonder if getting the wind knocked out of you *IS* a bronchospasm. Yikes.
18. Comfort book?
1984 by George OrwellDivergent by Veronica RothThe Monument 14 series by Emmy LaybourneCarve The Mark by Veronica RothThe Quarantine series by Lex Thomasand finally, my all-time favourite and my #1 go-to:Blind Evil by Eric Praschan 😍😍😍😍😍😻😻😻😻😻
19. Princess, Fairy, Mermaid, or Unicorn?
[Answered.]
20. Do you fall in love easily?
Not particularly, no. I fall in lust easily. Not in a sexual way. . .but in a romantic lust way. Like a “Damn, I wish I could just date that girl for fun for a very short while or bring her home with me and cuddle and watch movies all night and talk until the sun comes up and kiss each other a few times and get to know each other and trace each other’s collar bones and gaze into each other’s eyes and talk about super deep stuff and then kiss deeply and passionately in the morning and watch the sunrise together and go out for a romantic breakfast together . .and then just never see each other again after it’s over.” A romantic one-night stand basically. That’s what I’m in the market for. Lol. Except. . .everyone wants sexual one-night stands. Ugh. Lol.
21. Favorite word?
Echo.
22. Describe your life in 3 words.
Chaotic, Impulsive, Passionate.
23. Do you dance? Slow dance?
Slow dance? God, no. Do I dance? I have taken so many dance lessons, it’s ridiculous. Tap dance, Irish step dance, jazz, ballet. . .I want to take modern precision dance classes, but I can’t overwork myself until a PT clears me. And I’m also at that inbetween stage where I’m not fat enough to join an overweight dance class so I get rejected from those and I’m not skinny enough to join a normal dance class, so I get rejected from those, too. So I don’t have any classes I can go to. :|
24. Do you wear fake nails, or paint your nails?
Both, actually! My nails are painted right now, but it’s coming off. Took me absolutely forever to paint them. Gosh. I love wearing fakes, too, but they never fucking stay on unless I get them done at a salon, which I have only done twice in my life. And, frankly, I fucking LOVE getting manicures!! I LOVE getting acrylics! I LOVE getting long, sparkly, glittery, rounded claws! I mean, for fucks sake, did you see my last mani??? Fuck, lemme find it. It was GORGEOUS.
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UH YESSSS! Not to mention, whenever I get a mani and have gel acrylics on, I don’t rip my fucking nails down past where my finger tip is so that it starts gushing blood like I normally do. And I don’t start ripping off hang nails left and right or picking at the skin between the nail and the finger on the side and intentionally ripping bits of flesh off and making myself bleed and ripping my finger raw. It’s awful and it hurts SOOOOO much and it’s terribly embarrassing to start randomly gushing blood in public and have to find something to try to make it stop as quickly as you can. Lol.
25. Has anyone ever confessed to you?
If you haven’t had at least ONE (1) PERSON CONFESS TO YOU BY NOW, I’m gonna assume you’re a fucking 5 year old. Like jesus christ. How is this even a question. Haha. Everyone has people that confess to them. Easily. Every. One. There is not a soul on tumblr that can honestly say “no” to this question. Not a single person. My number? I stopped counting years ago because it was getting ridiculously high both online and irl. Couldn’t do it anymore. I have no idea how many people have confessed by now, tbh.
26. Do you lie?
The second a cop puts his lights on behind me, I go right into acting mode. I will lie to *ANY* authority figure, but cops are the one special party that get singled out for me to lie to no matter what situation we are in. Fucking pricks. If you know me, then you know I have a problem with being too honest, though. Like, *wayyyyy* too honest. Honest to a horrible fault. So for me to lie to people is *extremely hard*. But I do it to authority figures because they deserve it. Especially cops. If I am genuinely at fault and the thing I did was bad and another person or animal would suffer at my expense if I were to not be honest, then I will just be my normal self. But if it’s ANY other situation with an authority figure, the fake, lying Killian will come out to play.
27. What makes you smile?
A lot of things. Tiffy makes me smile, Echo makes me smile nonstop, dogs make me smile, very specific comedy shoes make me smile, friends make me smile, people who show they care about me genuinely make me smile, getting hit on makes me smile, being invited places makes me smile, getting to go out and do things makes me smile, getting an A on a test makes me smile, getting good achievements that I’m proud of make me smile, being in the middle of the ocean makes me smile, WINTER makes me smile, cold weather makes me smile, Christmas makes me smile, the atmosphere of Fall around Halloween makes me smile, having BIG get togethers with a ton of mutual friends makes me smile, going on road trips with people makes me smile, movie dates with friends makes me smile, having people treat me as if I were legitimately their sibling by blood makes me smile, foxes make me smile, animals in general make me smile. . .I could go on for quite a while.
28. Have you ever cried in a book or movie?
[Answered.]
29. When and who was your first crush?
I honestly have absolutely no idea and no point of reference to even attempt to think back on it to really try to figure it out. I have no idea what period of my life my first crush came about. . .I have no idea how old I was. . .I have no idea if I recognized them as a crush or not. . .So many questions that I can’t answer, honestly. I haven’t a clue. Don’t get me wrong, I’d really like to know because now I’m curious, but I have absolutely no recollection of most of my crushes, nevertheless my very first one. I’m 26. I’m old. You can’t expect me to remember that far back, yeah? Lolololol.
30. Marriage or kids?
OH DEAR GOD PLEASE NOOOOOOOO. I WOULD RATHER BE EATEN ALIVE BY ANOTHER HUMAN BEING.
I mean, marriage. . .the only person I’d ever consider marriage to would be you, Tiffy. That’s it. I see marriage as a trap and a lifelong ball and chain that I don’t EVER want to be caught in. I want to be married to my career in medicine. Any kind of marriage (or relationship) I would have in life would hold me back from my studies. I don’t think I’m really going to be getting romantically involved with anyone else because of how much that will interfere with my career, which is my priority in life. Hell, I’m not even going to be having any more pets after Echo is gone because it would be animal abuse for me, as a trauma surgeon or any kind of surgeon or even as an ER doctor, to live with friends/roommates and own a dog and never be there to take care of it. That’s cruelty to animals. Neglect that is bad enough to be abuse. And since I would only be in the market for adopting spitz dogs, they all need to be hyper-active and need constant affection and constant love or they will end up so stressed that they will chew through your fucking wall. They say pomeranians are good apartment dogs, well, uh. . .yeah, they’re great, but only if you’re there to give them enough attention and take them on walks and let the out to roam all the time and keep them entertained. Like any spitz dog.
As for kids? BRUHHHHHHHH. GOD NO I WOULD RATHER BE FUCKING IMPALED IN BOTH EYES THAN BE FORCED TO HAVE KIDS (which is the *ONLY* way I would ever own any). I would be the absolute worst father imaginable and as a boy who grew up in a neglectful and emotionally/mentally/verbally/physically abusive household, I would NEVER want to put that on any kid. I wouldn’t be purposefully abusive, but I sure as hell would be purposefully neglectful. I can *GUESS* that I would probably end up being accidentally verbally and mentally/emotionally abusive, as well, since I am an Aquarius and because I was raised with the values of not showing any sort of emotion ever. I speak in a monotone and I rarely show any emotion in my expressions and I try not to put any emotion in my verbal inflections. That’s not exactly great for a kid. And since I would absolutely hate and despise the thing every time I saw it, I probably WOULD have some negative inflection in my voice and they would probably pick up on the fact I only put emotion into my voice when talking to them. And that it’s all negative when I talk to them. I would brush off their problems as minor and act like their existence didn’t matter to me and I would treat them like the burden they would be.
Because kids would legitimately put my life on hold. And, I’m not sorry at all when I say FUCK THAT. I love my life and I love living for me and my friends and my dog. I love getting to live my life MOSTLY for me and I love being able to put myself first whenever I want (other than the fact that my dog comes first no matter what, but that is something I quite love doing because he is my fluffy baby and he is my #1 bae and he is my priority of all priorities) and I quite enjoy being able to take “me” days and being able to travel and move whenever I want. I enjoy having my finances be MY OWN and not having to waste them on some fucking moocher. And, frankly, to have the responsibility of having to financially support a human being for 18 years and probably more than that nowadays is VERY unappealing and makes me panic because, hell, if I struggle to provide for myself and usually only have a year or so inbetween those years of struggling where it’s okay for me financially. . .how the FUCK am I expected to buy MORE things??? All these bitches in my age group are having kids and they make either as much or LESS than me. I mean, WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE?! The answer to “When is the right time to have a baby?” is “When you KNOW with absolute certainty that you can fucking afford it, you morons.” It’s one thing if a mother accidentally gets knocked up and is blocked from aborting it for some reason (not by religion or whatever, coz that’s just irresponsible and immature, but like. . .by the law, by health reasons, by personal safety reasons, by financial reasons, etc. . .), then alright, I see why you’re having a kid at my age when you most definitely cannot afford the thing. But as for the rest of them? Fuck these irresponsible bitches. Good god.
Not to mention, I am 200% against breeders and spawning in general, because it’s just not environmentally friendly at all. And I hate breeders with a passion because there’s absolutely no reason to bring children into a world that is riddled by an overpopulation issue when there’s PLENTY of children in literal NEED of homes EVERYWHERE. It fucking kills me to see people breeding and spawning. Absolutely fucking kills me with how selfish people can be.
I also just wish the entirety of the human race would die out, so it’d also be nice if everyone could just uh. . .go infertile or something, but y’know. . .that’s wishful thinking that will probably never happen. Lol.
But dear god if I ever am forced into having kids, I seriously feel very sorry for the kid and it would be in the kids best interest for me to give it up the second it’s alive. I’mma pass that thing off to the nearest orphanage and make sure that someone who WANTS it and who can actually provide for it and actually love it gets it instead of me who would make its life hell and be a horrible father. I would want the thing to have a good life. I want all kids to have good lives. We need them to grow up into good people. They’re our future. Not to mention, human beings in general just deserve to have good lives, kids included. But uh. . .I know my own personal limits, I know my own personal faults, I know my own personal prejudices and biases. I would never knowingly harm another with them by forcing someone to live at the expense of my faults and my limits and my prejudices and biases. Never. I’m a very self-aware person and I’ll be damned if I don’t use that to everyone’s advantage. People who are not self-aware really piss me off because it’s like my god you’re HOW old and you still haven’t learned how to, y’know, read yourself? Grow the fuck up. Jesus christ. But. . .I mean. . .anyways. . .
Dear GOD NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. KILL ME BEFORE YOU MAKE ME DO EITHER OF THESE THINGS. JUST PUT ME DOWN, GODDAMNIT.
31. Are you superstitious?
[Answered.]
32. Who’s your 3 am thought?
Usually it is Tiffy. If it is someone else, then Tiffy is always included. Also, Echo is always included, too. And sometimes my mom. I know this is supposed to be sexual or romantic or something and have some sort of implied “wink wink” meaning, but it doesn’t for me. Nothing ever does. It’s all straight, pragmatic, scientific fact for me. This is, too. It’s just the way it is. Usually always Tiffy and Echo, sometimes exes, sometimes people I’m missing, sometimes my mom. . .recently my grandparents a lot because, y’know, they are dying. Idk.
33. Do you like candy? What’s your favorite candy?
[Answered.]
34. Favorite holiday?
Christmas!!! Hands down! If anyone is reading this and is surprised by this answer or just didn’t know this, then WOW you have never actually met me and you JUST followed me and came upon my blog for the very first time, didn’t’cha? HAHA. YOU GUYS HAVE NO IDEA HOW PASSIONATE I AM ABOUT CHRISTMAS. DO YOU ALL KNOW HOW MANY YEAR ROUND CHRISTMAS BLOGS I FOLLOW JUST SO I CAN KEEP MY SEASONAL DEPRESSION AT BAY DURING THE SUMMER AND FORCE MYSELF TO THINK OF MY HAPPIEST SEASON WHERE I JUST LITERALLY CANNOT BE UNHAPPY: WINTER AND THE HOLIDAY OF CHRISTMAS! You watch, now. You’ll start to notice that I post Christmas things and winter things year round.
35. Favorite season?
Just kinda answered that, uh. . .if you didn’t catch that, it’s hands down WINTER!
36. Cat or dog person?
Dog. I enjoy cats and a lot of people who meet me for the first time see my tattoos which are ALL cat based except for my wrist tattoo and think I’m a cat person and would never be a dog person, but uh. . . HAHA. SURPRISE! DO YOU GUYS KNOW HOW DOG-OBSESSED I HAVE BEEN MY ENTIRE FUCKING LIFE!? PFFFT. I really don’t know why all of my tattoos have been cat-based so far. I know why my half sleeve is rainbow leopard print. . .but everything else could have been done with foxes, which are my favourite animals, or pomeranians or dogs in general or anything else. But, no, they all ended up being cats. Fucking weird lmao. Especially since I am SO hyper-obsessed with dogs.
37. Are you quiet or loud?
Both, it just depends on what I’m talking about and/or what I’m doing, honestly. I guess I would say I’m generally more quiet than loud, but I definitely do have my loud moments. When I’m talking about things I’m passionate about or when I’m laughing, I’m generally being very loud. I don’t seem to know how to laugh quietly anymore which is odd because in the past, my entire life, I have done nothing but be quiet as a mouse in order to avoid being yelled at and hit and beat and locked up by my parents. NOW. . .I am loud as fuck when I laugh and I can’t seem to tone it down. It’s awful. Lol. And uh. . .when someone tries to talk over me or when someone tries to cut me off or when people are ignoring me. . .I tend to talk REALLY LOUDLY. Like, I will not stand for being ignored and not listened to. I just won’t. I will FORCE myself to be the center of attention, even if I am in a large group. Does not fucking matter how loud and rambunctious I need to get. It’s harder now that I have physical issues now. . .with fibro and ehlers danlos. I don’t have the relentless, stubborn energy I used to have. . .but,. . .I try. I try very hard to act like my normal self and force myself into being the center of attention when people are ignoring me to make sure everyone knows they cannot ignore me even though I just don’t have enough energy anymore. But overall? I’d say I’m quiet. I’m someone who I can be walking and you won’t even hear me come up behind you or enter a room. When I’m at home, I tend to be quiet and monotone. That’s generally where I am most comfortable. Raising my voice for no reason is just. . .uh. . .??? I don’t see a logical point in straining my vocal cords for no reason. Haha.
38. Favorite time period? (80′s, 60′s, etc.)
[Answered.]
39. Favorite fashion fad that went away?
[Answered.]
40. The best dream/ worst nightmare you’ve ever had?
Honestly, I cannot remember either one.
My worst nightmares always involve Echo dying. I know that much. Because that’s literally the worst thing that could ever happen to me. I don’t know what my best dreams involve. Uh. . .no clue.
41. Worst fear as a kid? 
Getting an F, being fearful of what is *in* the dark (not being scared of the dark itself like most people, but being scared of what lurks in the dark), spiders, my mom dying, being disowned, and the paranormal are the things I remember being the most prominent.
44. Do you flirt?
Absolutely! But only to people I find attractive and mentally stimulating.
45. What’s your style?
I love being more casual professional than anything, but I don’t really have the money to get the style I want. Nor do I live in the climate where I can layer. Fuck the LA heat. My winter fashion game is so on point, but literally FUCK everything about summer, but the fashion is the absolute worst. Like, you may as well just not wear anything since wearing even a loose piece of fabric over your body will result in you dying of heat stroke. Oh, you may as well rip all of your skin off, too. Coz that will give you heat stroke, too. But, er, casual professional is my preferred style. I also like professional, too. Can I afford either? Absolutely not. What do I normally wear? Just generally fashionable things that lean a little more towards punk, unfortunately. I definitely hate it and my style is holding me back. Well. . .my finances are holding me back more than anything. I don’t have the finances to get the style that will help me succeed in life, so I’m stuck looking like a little fucking KID. It’s awful. I hate being poor so goddamn much. Sigh. Always have, always will.
46. Do you blush?
[Answered.]
47. Do you feel everything, nothing, or you don’t know what to feel?
I have borderline personality disorder. People with borderline personality disorder almost never experience the latter two because they’re always busy experiencing everything. . .but never at once. We experience one solid thing with such extreme passion that it’s just. . . Idk how to explain. People with BPD are at 100% all the time. There is never a 0% down time or a 50/50 time, like people with bipolar get. It is always 100% this or 100% that, so on and so forth. Our mood swings don’t consist of hot and cold. They consist of boiling and boiling. . .just boiling two different liquids, basically. Nothing we experience is without passion. And nothing we experience is at less than 100% or coinciding with any other emotion. If we are happy, then we are euphoric. If we are sad, then we are suicidal. If we are angry, we get borderline homicidal. But none of those are ever experienced at the same time, ya feel? So the answer to this question is a tough one for people with borderline because we actually don’t fall under any of those three categories. We experience a passionate one single thing and then have severe mood swings to a passionate form of something else that could be similar or totally opposite. You just never know. WE never know. Having borderline is a fucking curse and that’s only the bare basics of it. Borderline is basically having the most extreme form of passion you could ever have. And, like they say, too much of anything isn’t good for you. Our passion is so intensely felt that it basically destroys our lives because having BPD also means that you are insatiably impulsive and that any impulsive and intrusive thought you get, you usually act on. And those impulses always coincide with the current passion thing we are feeling. And, no, there’s *never* a time where we are *not* feeling a passionate thing. It’s always 100 to 100. Never 50/50 or 0. That passion and impulsivity is the most destructive thing ever. And it gets seen as a great thing by the naked eye. I can’t tell you how many people who get to know me first say “Oh my god, I wish I were like you...You’re so spontaneous and carefree and you are just overflowing with passion for life. I would do anything to have those traits!” They don’t have any idea that, in normal people, those are great things. In borderline people, those are destructive traits that you can never turn off and are more exaggerated than most people’s traits and those traits tend to be the two main things that very literally destroy our lives and the lives of those involved in our lives. . .ripping our lives to shreds piece by piece.
48. Are you a crier? Do you smile?
Both, yes. To a horribly passionate extent. I’m either bawling and pulling my hair out and on the verge of dying. . .or I’m laughing so loudly that I will end up seal laughing.
49. First love?
I wish I remembered, but I do not. If we are talking people. If not, then I fell in love with animals, veterinary medicine, and writing/drawing before I fell in love with anything else in life. Those were my first passions in life and what I wanted to do with my life when I became an adult.
50. Last love?
I guess that award would have to go to Tiffy since I love her right now and she is the *only* one that I am in love with right now. If we aren’t talking about people, then it would be Echo and human medicine. My passions lie there and think they will end there for the rest of my life until I die, too.
Oh my god. I think I did it. . .Did I do it?? It’s literally been over 2 days that I’ve had this tab open working on this off and on between other things. 
I DID IT!! FUCKING RIGHT! I ANSWERED ALL 50 QUESTIONS! GO, KILLIAN, GO! :D GOOD JOB, SELF!
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Yeesh, that took a while. I really enjoyed doing this, though. That was fun!
...never begging for more questions on a questionnaire as long as that when Tiffy is around. I guess you could say Killian learned his lesson. . .
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I love you, though. Thank you for this!! This made me smile. And was a lot of fun to fill out. I’m SO DONE NOW THOUGH YEET
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lunewinter-journals · 4 years ago
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12:29 AM Saturday, December 19, 2020
What's on my mind
Part 1/2
I still feel anxious, but it's more subdued. I think if I had to give love wisdom, I'd look to astrology. Since my venus is in pisces I tend to have a "rose-colored glass" view. Basically looking through the glass you wouldn't see what it actually looks like. Meaning I idealize the relationship without knowing the reality of it. I honestly hope to never get in an relationship, I didn't know how much anxiety I have to change and when I went to washington It fucked me up. I went to washington in 2018 around autumn with some ex-friends Andrew and Aoife. I met Aoife at Tricoci, a college beauty school to become a cosmologist. I wanted to do nails specifically, but cosmotology covers that. Also Andrew and Aoife were married and me and Aoife dropped out. Not gonna lie but I miss those friends, i miss the coven we were in, but If I knew I was gonna starve myself because I couldn't afford money I wouldn't have gone. Plus they're wiener dog kept shitting in ny hallway and I had to pay half of rent even though there was 3 of us AND no one drove me to work. I had to wake up at 4am to get to work at 6am because I took the bus and it had to make 3 stops to get to work. Awful. Not to mention our family cat Max legs stopped working one day at my home town and I got a facebook video chat with my sister and mom as I said my goodbyes before they put him down while I was at work crying on a toilet. During that time, I was using Discord, an app made for gaming communities, but I used it for Typology. Typology is like a "psychology" tool to get to know yourself personally (mbti, socionics, enneagram, ect.) On discord you join a server, which is like one big group chat, and I met a guy named Tyler. (I knew of Tyler before I went to Washington the first time.) I also thought I was cursed in Washington becaused my birch wand broke, my backpack was falling apart, a bunch of little things were happening a long with the big red flags. When everything was hitting the fan with my roomate ex-friends, he was there for me and that's when I fell in love. Now I think I fell in love with him because I haven't felt safe in Washington for a long time and I lived with him until it was time for me to go back to my home state. I lost my "virginity" to him (its in quotes because virginity isn't real lol) and spent Christmas with him. It was like heaven on earth. We laughed and played legend of zelda wind waker, ate pizza hut pizza (turns out we both like chicken alfredo pizza), and for the second time I thought I saw a future in Washington. Well when I got home I got a job at an escape room and started to save money to move in with him. Then he told me (around beginning of 2020 before covid) he got a ticket to see me on my birthday. When he flew over, the news of covid in America was spreading. So he was stuck at my house with me for quite some time (during that time BLM movement was gaining traction too during a pandemic, which I was just worried for the people protesting and covid rates going up.) Then we said fuck it and I moved in with him DURING A FUCKING PANDEMIC. It was the most dumbest move I ever made and it was expensive. Even worse we got on a train rather than a 4 hour flight, it was a 3 day trip of us wearing masks and praying we didn't get sick. We got lucky. The time together was fine though he really had me paranoid about covid to the point of me developing an anxiety disorder. I always had anxiety, but it wasn't this bad. Then the california fires happened and Washington air quality dropped. My chest pains began. The air quality was very poor for a week. He was paranoid that we had a n95 mask (its supposed to protect you from small dangerous particles) BUT WHAT I DIDN'T KNOW was that we weren't supposed to be wearing it indoors. I wore to sleep and I slept in the bathroom floor because I had panic attacks because of my chest pains.
I'm really glad I started this journaling thing.
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fadedgilt · 7 years ago
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All the tea questions!!
Black- how much personal space do you like?
it honestly depends. i’m a very “on my terms” kind of person, where if i want attention, to talk to person, or affection then it’ll be when i want it. Romantically, if i’m crazy for you, then i don’t require my personal space and i’m very affectionate. Like i’ll randomly come up to him and squeeze him, wanna talk to him alot, or ask for kisses or things like that. It’s very mood dependent lol
dandelion- when you make wishes who are they for?
hmmm.. myself? Like it’ll be for something to work out for me, but if i’m crushing on someone then i’ll wish for them to be in my life and feel the same way for me.
chamomile- describe your sleep schedule
now that i’m in school, i’ll go to bed before 1am and i’ve been waking up before 8am. When i’m not in school, my sleep schedule is fucked...i’ll go to bed between 4am or 7am. I could probably stay up all night tbh. I’m a very sleepless person and it sucks because my eye bags beg to differ
elderflower- do you get sick often?
I’m actually very fortunate in that i hardly ever get sick. I have a really good immune system and if i ever start to get sick, it’s just the very beginning of a cold and when my body fights it off before it gets bad. I also don’t have any allergies.
fennel- how do you feel right now?
tbh this past week has been rough for me. In this current moment, i am listening to a playlist that a lovely person made for me while doing a clarifying face mask. I am tired, trying to relax while simultaneously trying not to get bored. My mind is racing with a lot of thoughts and wish i could get things that i want.
ginger- what animal do you act like?
Well, my name is Cat and I actually really act like one. I’m territorial, like my space but want affection on my terms, i can be really short and snappy one minute but cuddly and soft the next. I basically exhibit any feline behavior. Very coincidental lol
ginseng- post a photo of somewhere you feel calm
well there isn’t really a place I feel calm so i’m posting a pic of a place that i know i’d feel calm. Pretend that i’ve been to this cottage in the middle of Scotland lol
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Green- list your top 3 motivators
me myself and i!!!!
Hibiscus- do you like when people try to start a conversation with you?
YES, PLEASE TALK TO ME. People don’t really approach me or start convos usually so i’d love for people to do it more.
Kava- post your favorite color scheme
I love muted pink and cream tones. any muted colors really 
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Lavender- does physical activity help you relax?
Yes, If i’m angry or upset and I go run, i feel so much better afterwards. I run off all that steam and feel calmer afterwards. Totally recommend working out to everyone!
lemon- how differently do you behave when you’re by yourself versus when you’re with others?
when i’m alone, i’m totally myself but when i’m with others i feel like i can’t be myself 100% because i am really shy and self-conscious. Not sure i’ve ever totally let go in front of someone before. I’m so scared of being seen as ugly or weird. I live in my head a lot...
Matcha- do you prefer sunrises or sunsets?
Sunsets, I can’t wake up early enough for sunrises lol. Sunrises are beautiful and i love the colors of the sunrise but sunsets are so fiery and bold. I can’t be up at 6am....
mint- what song gives you energy?
damn, a lot of songs do that. But i have been listening to “everyday”, “over the ice”, “they can’t see me”, “cupid’s head”, “the follower”, and “leave it” by the Field while I run and it’s fucking magical how much they get me pumped
nettle- is there anything you do when you feel guilty?
Probably overcompensate and be really nice and apologize a lot.
oolong- Where do you see yourself in five years?
Probably grad school, I really hope I’m in a really happy relationship and have some dogs:)
peppermint- are you self righteous?
naw not really. I don’t think i’m that morally superior. I don’t wanna be a pretentious person and think i’m better than others. I mean it depends... I don’t tolerate people that are selfish and cheat on their partners and other shitty stuff like that. In that case yea i have better morals.
rooibos- if a conversation bothers you, will you speak up about it?
I’d like to think so. I make it pretty obvious when i’m uncomfortable and try to speak up for what i think is right
white- do you think family is important?
No, I’m totally fine without ever having kids. I’m also not of the belief that you should surround yourself with your family if they’re not healthy for you, just because they’re your family. Be ok with yourself and find friends or at least one other person that feels like family to you.
Damn, my vision is blurry lol. Thank you so much for asking me to answer all of these tho, you’re so sweet!
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kreacts · 7 years ago
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BTS Convenience Store Scenario
Hello! Can you please do a scenario or reaction whatever you feel like tbh with BTS when you work in a store and you have different shifts and when you have the morning shift you have to be at work at 6 and when you have the evening shift you get off at 11pm and you life pretty far from work.
Group: BTS Scenario: BTS meeting & befriending mc at her job  Genre: Fluff Word Count: 2969  Description: MC works long and late hours at her convenience store job and has slowly started to befriend the boy group, BTS. 
Hey, anon thank you for the request! I’m so sorry this took me so long!
I’m not really sure what you wanted. It was a little bit vague but I wrote what I thought would be nice. I’ve done a scenario as a reaction wouldn’t have worked considering there isn’t very much for them to react too. 
I hope you like it though and I hope you enjoy it. It’s really just a little bit fluffy and cute with the quirks of the members being shown and a friendship developing between the main mc and the boys.
You were pretty used to cold mornings as you often had to travel pretty far to get to your 6am morning job. You had to walk nearly fifteen to get onto the bus, which took another half hour to get to the next bus stop where you had to walk another twenty minutes to get to your job. It was pretty tiring considering you had to wake up at 4am nearly every morning. The mornings were generally always cold, the sun still waking up as it peeked slightly over the hills. Not even the sun wanted to be awake at this god awful time.
You didn’t have this job for very long. You had been here for about two weeks. It was pretty boring if you were being completely honest. Working at a convenience store at the early hours of the morning meant people were still sleeping, some still getting ready for work. Things usually only picked up at around 8am. You usually worked until 2pm and then you made your way home.
It was a rather slow day when your eyes slowly started to focus on a boy in slightly odd matching clothes. He was wearing some black, baggy tracksuit pants and some sort of camouflaged hoodie. It wasn’t exactly pleasing to the eye but it somehow worked on him? He was piling drinks against his chest, fitting some underneath his chin and holding the rest as he awkwardly wobbled towards you.
“Hello,” he greeted you behind a face mask. You glanced up at him and you could tell he was smiling as his eyes crinkled slightly. He tried to place the drinks down, really, they honestly just fell down into a heap and he quickly apologised as he tried to set them up straight. “Woah, these are a lot. You must really like them,” you joked, conversationally as you started to scan all the items.
“Huh? Oh, no these aren’t just for me they’re for my members!” he said, excitedly as he plucked two chocolate bars from the side stands and slipped them into the line for you to scan.
“Your members?” you questioned as you slowly started to put his things into a packet, he had already grabbed one of the chocolates and was opening it to eat it as he handed you some money and you gave him his change.
“Yeah,” he said as he chewed some of the chocolate. “I’m in a boy group,” he said with an eager nod of his head. Your eyes widened and you nodded your head and smiled over at him. 
“That’s pretty cool. What are you guys called?
“BTS,” he answered and you nodded your head, mumbling the words under your breath to remember it. “I like it, it’s nice and short. It get’s to the point! Well, I hope you and your members enjoy your drinks! Thanks for shopping here,” you told him as you waved him off as he turned to leave but quickly returned to get his packet as he had nearly forgot it.
“See you around!” he called out as the bell chimed at the store’s door as he left.
Over the next few days you head learned that the boy with the slightly odd fashion sense was actually really adorable and his name was Taehyung. He had moved in with his group to one of the newer apartments pretty close to the store. 
You knew of a few trainees from different idol companies that often came into the store, usually getting quick meals and having them at the tables outside. It wasn’t uncommon for you to see newly debuted idols or idols that were debuted already.
Not that you could often tell the difference considering so many people wore facemasks.
Your manager had spoken to you and asked if you wanted to do the night shift that lasted from 6pm to 11pm and considering you needed the money you agreed.
You’ve never worked at the shop during late hours. The hours that the store was at its busiest. You barely had time to sit down and rest with people just continuously coming in and going. You had to keep on smiling, scanning, finding things for people that clearly didn’t know how to look, clean up the floors and tidy everything else.
You finally took a break, hiding behind the counter in a heap. No one had come in for quite a few minutes so you could closed your eyes and actually take a breather. You were actually falling off to sleep and you barely heard the sound of the store’s bell chiming.
“Hyung, buy us drinks,” murmured a voice and you perked up slightly from your half awake half asleep state. “Yeah and ramen too, please, hyung,” said another voice, whining slightly.
“Okay, okay! Go get what you wanted,” said the other voice. They got closer to the counter and you heard someone call out your name.
“Y/N? Are you sleeping? Wake up, y/n,” called the voice and your eyes flew open as you sat up in your seat and looked around wildly.
“Hello! Welcome to our shop,” you blurted out and blinked. Your hazy vision took in the three figures before you as you sat up quickly and  smiled over at them. Taehyung was looking down at you and next to him were two other boys.
One that was nearly the same height as him, wearing a white shirt and another that was smiling brightly from the side as he pushed the items towards you for you to scan.
“Hey, y/n. I didn’t know you worked the night shift. I didn’t see you this morning,” mumbled Taehyung as he was turned around, getting distracted by the other boy as he pushed his side playfully. “These are my members, y/n,” he said as he began to introduce you.
You were still a little groggy and you nodded your head trying to wake up. They were both really handsome you had to admit. You scanned the items slowly as you glanced over at them.
“This is Hoseok or well, Hobi hyung and this is Jungkookie,” said Taehyung as he pointed to each of them. Hoseok, was it
“I’m your hope-”
“Hyung, please, no,” whispered Taehyung as he pushed Hoseok out of the way and turned to you quickly. “Uh, just these things, y/n! We’ll be sitting over at the tables if you wanna come join us! You must be tired, you should rest,” he said. You gave him a small smile. He was really quite kind and a little silly. You stayed in the counter for a few moments.
The three of them were pretty loud and boisterous. You felt a little shy. No one had come into the shop for a little while now and so you slowly made your way over to the table they were sitting at.
“Sit, sit down, y/n,” said Hoseok, already being pretty friendly to you. “Taetae tells us about the pretty shop keeper quite often,” mumbled Hoseok as he slurped his food. Taehyung practically choked and Jungkook to the side burst into laughter at the sight of Taehyung getting embarrassed, even the tips of his ears were turning a light red.
You couldn’t help but smile over at the three of them. It was a really warm and pleasant atmosphere. Despite not knowing them for long they were really friendly. You weren’t exactly intimidated by their idol status since you weren’t really aware of how famous they were either. It was nice. It was like hanging out with friends that you knew forever.
“So, how long have you been working here, y/n?” asked Hoseok, as Taehyung perked his head up while Jungkook glanced over at you over his cup of ramen that he was still shovelling down his mouth.
You were taken off guard for a second as you were staring over at Jungkook and the fact that he could eat the noodles so quickly.
“Oh, uh like around six weeks or so? I usually work the day shift which is why I get to meet up with Taehyung a lot,” you said with a grin.
“So, what were you guys doing? Do you have more members in your band?” you asked, pretty curious as you leaned forward on your hand and looked over at the three of them.
“We’re seven members together. We were practicing. We’ve got a comeback coming up pretty soon,” said Taehyung as he nodded his head eagerly, while mumbling through a mouthful of food. They were pretty cute.
“That’s really awesome, when’s your comeback? I’d love to come see some stages and all of that,” you grinned as you nodded your head eagerly.
Hoseok and Taehyung grinned over at you brightly as Jungkook gave you a small smile. You returned it back as you leaned back slightly into your seat. You didn’t realise it then but it was the beginning of your friendship with the boys.
Two months had passed. You had become pretty close with the boys that constantly visited the small convenience store. You had come to learn all the names of the bangtan boys. Taehyung would often visit the most often, bringing Jimin along with him. They were usually buying snacks and drinks for the other members. Jungkook would often visit sometimes as well, he opened up a little bit more and spoke a lot to you.
You didn’t really think it was all that weird that you were friends with idols. You were the shop keeper a convenience store they saw you pretty much almost always as they were always getting food. You tried to see them as everyday normal people instead of these famous stars. 
You met the eldest hyungs too, Yoongi and Jin the one like a sloth the other like a middle aged man. You even met the clumsiest person that has ever existed, Namjoon. You were pretty used to all the members by now already. You knew what they were like and how they interacted with each other.
They seriously made you laugh and sometimes, well, sometimes they made you want to smack your head against a wall.
Jin had reached into the coffee machine dispenser as he got himself a cup of coffee before he added in some milk and sugar and took a sip of it. He held it up and looked around at everyone, smiling brightly as he did. “What do you call a sad cup of coffee?” he asked.
You heard a collective groan coming from both Yoongi and Namjoon. Namjoon ran his hand over his face trying not to smile as he shook his head. “Hyung, please, not again,” he whined. Yoongi had an indifferent look on his face but you could totally tell he was glaring over at Jin.
Jin ignored him entirely as he tried not to laugh as he was about to tell his punchline. “A despresso!” said Jin as he burst into laughter, his laugh pretty unique as he practically wheezed while he slapped his knee, finding himself absolutely hilarious as he sipped at his coffee.
“Why, why am I friends with them?” you whispered. Namjoon was shaking his head and walking off to do other things, meanwhile Yoongi just walked out of the shop to go sit at the table outside.
“Wasn’t it great, y/n?” asked Jin. You gave him a small grimace as you laughed just a little bit and turned away quickly.
“Na-Namjoon, please- don���t don’t touch anything really. I’ve got this, honestly,” you said hastily as you ran over to the small sunglasses display section where Namjoon was attempting to put back a pair he didn’t want. He quickly raised his hands and stepped away, giving you a bashful smile.
“Yeah, I got it, y/n. Stay away from the displays,” he said, laughing slightly before smiling, his super adorable dimples showing as he looked over at you. You gave him a hasty smile in return as you placed the glasses back. Honestly, you were still afraid that his mere presence in the shop might break something. Not that you didn’t want him here, you really did but...outside, where there was more space.
“We can hangout outside? With Yoongi and Jin. I’ll bring us some fizzy drinks?” you asked as you grabbed a few, bringing them out for the others as Namjoon made his way outside. You were just about to close up shop and you didn’t expect to see anyone coming into the shop this late.
“Yah, this kid,” said a voice and you looked around as you walked outside, sliding onto the small bench seat as you sat opposite from Namjoon.
You smiled brightly as you recognised the figures walking towards you and Namjoon. You sat up slightly and waved your hands around. “Over here!” you shouted out as you gestured for them to come and sit down with you all.
“He’s getting cocky, huh,” said Jimin as he grinned and pushed Jungkook, who was giggling like mad as he mocked a dance move and looked over at Jimin once again who was trying not to smile as he shook his head before waving over at you. “Y/N!” he yelled as he and Jungkook ran over towards you.
Jungkook pushing him to the side as he ran over to slide into the seat next to you. “Hey, y/n, how was your day?” he greeted you as he grabbed one of the drinks on the table.
Jimin was glaring at Jungkook from the opposite end of the table as he looked over at you as he sat next to Yoongi who was already sipping slowly from the bottle. “Yeah, how has your day been, y/n? We were just practicing earlier,” said Jimin, with an angel like smile and you blushed over at the two of them asking you questions.
You couldn’t lie to yourself. The fact that they were so relaxed with you and that they saw you as a friend really made you happy.
“I had a good day- it was long and I’ve got the morning shift tomorrow morning so, maybe I’ll see you guys again. Jin, you can come in for some coffee too,” you said.
“Wait, did you guys hear my joke?” asked Jin as he came up to Jimin and Jungkook and truly, you felt sorry for the boys.
Loud footsteps could be heard from the street as they padded along the sidewalk over to where you were all sitting. “Y/N! It’s getting late, let us walk you home!” shouted out a voice and you sat up slightly as you watched Taehyung and Hobi make their way over towards you.
All the members were here. This was the first time they had all been together in one spot greeting you. It was pretty damn great. You glanced down at your watch and it was already nearing midnight. The last bus was about to run and you were screwed if you didn’t get on it.
“Oh, shit, shit! The last bus!” you said as you looked over at everyone and did a quick wave goodbye to everyone.
“Woah, wait up, y/n. Are you gonna be okay, it’s so late out right now,” said Jimin as he stood up and looked around. You nodded your head as started to walk to the store to shut off the lights, switch all the machines off and to lock the door.
“Yeah! I’ll be good, don’t worry about me! I just need to make it to the bus before it leaves,” you said.
“Come on, y/n. Hobi hyung and I will walk you there,” said Taehyung as he draped an arm around your shoulder and smiled down at you.
You were a little flustered. “Wha-guys, you don’t have too it’s only like a twenty-minute walk, ten if I speed walk. I’ll be fine, really,” you said.
“We’ll come with too! We can see, y/n off properly,” said Jin and the others agreed. Even Yoongi nodded his head as he tossed his bottle effortlessly into the bin.
“Yah, let’s go. We’re gonna make y/n late if we continue talking like this,” he said, a small smile tugging at his lips as you smiled over at them, hiking your bag up along your shoulder. You were lucky you remembered to grab it before you left the shop.
“Thanks guys, that really means a lot,” you said as you all began to walk along the sidewalk towards the bus stop.
The guys were all pretty loud and happy as they walked along with you. They were making jokes and pushing each other out of the way to talk to you. They were generally just being silly and asking you if you were going to be okay going home all on your own so late at night. You reassured them you’d be fine and it was really nice of them to care, though.
As you got closer to the bus stop Taehyung wrapped his arm around your shoulder and smiled down at you. “Thanks, y/n,” he said as he peeked down at you and you frowned, laughing slightly.
“For what?” you questioned.
He shrugged his shoulders a little as you all neared the bus stop.
“For being my friend,” he answered, “all of ours, really. It’s not really easy for us to make friends and to make friends with someone genuine who doesn’t want anything from us,” he said, smiling down at you as let go of you and pushed you towards the bus stop with a playful grin.
You were a little taken aback not really sure how to answer. It wasn’t something you’d ever to expect to hear Taehyung say. It really touched you and you didn’t know what to say to that at all.
The bus skidded to a stop before you could really answer or anything. Taehyung was waving his hand over at you as you climbed up onto the step.
“Bye, y/n! Be safe! We’ll see you tomorrow,” you heard a chorus of shouts as you climbed onto the bus.
You waved your hand goodbye as you swiped your card and slid into your seat turning around and waving to the rest of the boys too, your hand pressing up lightly against the glass.
“Thank you guys, too,” you found yourself mumbling as the bus drove away and smile was plastered on your face.
Thanks for reading!
I’m hella sorry there isn’t enough of each member in this it was just hard to incorporate everyone and whatnot. It’s generally just a cute story about friendship, ya know? 
I didn’t want to add in romance cause then it would be a damn one-shot. It’s a little fluffy and cute, showing the member’s quirks. I tried man. 
It’s also longer than I expected. Whoops, my bad. 
✩ Indigo 
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evangelene · 7 years ago
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92 statements tag
I was tagged by the ever lovely @ebullientbun !! Thank you sweetie for thinkin of me!! <3 <3
RULES: you must answer these 92 statements and tag 20 people
Me: gonna answer them and break dem fuckin rules cos I don’t know 20 people who’d I think would be comfortable wit dis
THE LAST: 1. drink: Archer farms sparkling water that I have consistently knocked over six times in the last ten minutes. 2. phone call: My dad asking if I wanted cheese on my subway sandwich 3. text message: “show me the bling damnit!” to my friend who’s boyfriend finally fuckin proposed. 4. song you listened to: Soldier by Fleurie 5. time you cried: Literally yesterday, I had a weird pmsing breakdown at work in the bathroom for whatever idiotic reason. Weeeeee~
HAVE YOU EVER: 6. dated someone twice: Since I’ve only ever dated one person and I am still dating them....no. 7. kissed someone and regretted it: that one time I kissed a sunfish I caught just so I could chase my partner around and shout “WHY WON’T YOU KISS ME?!”  as he runs screaming from me. (he hates fish) 8. been cheated on: Don’t think so? No.  9. lost someone special: Yes. 10. been depressed: Chronically. 11. gotten drunk and thrown up: Never been drunk and never want to be drunk--so no.
LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS: 12-14. - dark purple, dark teal, and like a salmony pinkie color. IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU: 15. made new friends: Duh.  16. fallen out of love: Nah, once I love something I generally continue to love it for the rest of my life. Unless you’re a backstabbing bitch of a friend, then yes I will fall out of friendship love with you.  17. laughed until you cried: Yes, we were in the car and my dad was screaming Naf Naf in about seventy different voices for whatever reason.  18. found out someone was talking about you: Positively usually, yes. But I’m also oblivious AF.  19. met someone who changed you: I like to think that every person I meet changes me in some way. Some for the better, others just make me hate a certain breed of old person more.  20. found out who your friends are: Pfahhaha, oh hell yes. 21. kissed someone on your Facebook list: Yea, and I’m labeled as “in a relationship” with him.
GENERAL: 22. how many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: IDK like I used to know some of them--maybe like 90% I have a bad habbit of accepting everyone who sends me a friend request because I can’t remember anyone for shit. Turns out at least ten of my friends I have no fucking clue who they are but I hope they like the shit nothing I post.  23. do you have any pets: A rabbit, two gerbils, three golfish, four bettas and a whole fuckin forest of plants.  24. do you want to change your name: Nah, I’d forget to respond to anything else.  25. what did you do for your last birthday: Sat alone on my computer at my partner’s house hoping anyone on tumblr or facebook or just in general would remember my birthday. Surprise, not really. And then we went out to eat and I got ravioli and pet dogs and got happy.  26. what time did you wake up: 3am, 4am, 6am, 7am, 8am and then finally 9am. It’s rare that I sleep through the night entirely. 27. what were you doing at midnight last night: passed out having a dream that I couldn’t breathe--turns out I couldn’t because I was fucking accidentally suffocating myself in my bed of pillows. 28. name something you can’t wait for: moving out of this damn house and not telling my mother where I’m going. 29. when was the last time you saw your mom: yesterday but I hope that soon it will be never again. 30. what is one thing you wish you could change in your life: my flabby fatness but my meds are making it nearly impossible for me to lose it currently.  31. what are you listening to right now: The pleasant background noise of a horrible mother on Say Yes to the Dress. 32. have you ever talked to a person named Tom: Yeah, he’s my boss and I always feel like I’m incredibly nervous talking to him because like yo--what if he fires me for yawning? 33. something that is getting on your nerves: my mother but that’s nothing new. 34. most visited website: Youtube 38. hair color: auburn/red 39. long or short hair: long AF 40. do you have a crush on someone: yes, my partner--though he’s aware that my heart belongs to every single animal I see before it belongs to him.  41. what do you like about yourself: I’m secretly a badass but no one believes me because apparently I come off innocent and incapable of protecting myself.  42. piercings: 11 ear piercings. 43. blood type: A positive I think? Idk, the red cross vampires keep calling for more of it. 44. nickname: Sam? Hey you? Sami? 45. relationship status: in one? 46. zodiac: Gemini 47. pronouns: She/Her 48. favorite tv show: Wynonna Earp 49. tattoos: Two and counting. 50. right or left handed: Leftie in writing but ambidextrous in everything else 51. surgery: Yeah that one time they though I had cancer and operated on my mouth. Also wisdom tooth surgery in which I sobbed because I thought that they took my lips from me.  52. piercing: I want an industrial bar real bad. 53. sport: fencing, sometimes walk/run if my asthma allows for it.  55. vacation: Not till august but I’m hoping that my partner will make good on his promise to take me to Disneyworld. 56. pair of trainers: ???the fuck this mean????
MORE GENERAL 57. eating: I had a piece of cake. It was delicious 58. drinking: that same sparkling water I keep knocking over 59. i’m about to: write, clean, or nap. I haven’t decided yet. 61. waiting for: My anxiety and depression to magically be cured. 62. want: to just sleep forever. 63. get married: I want to literally just so I can wear the dress. I don’t give a fuck otherwise but damnit I want an excuse to doll myself up to the high heavens. 64. career: I’d like to be an art teacher but if that doesn’t pan out then I’ll just become a professional dog hugger. 
WHICH IS BETTER 65. hugs or kisses: Hugs, but I like kisses too. 66. lips or eyes: Eyeballs, but I have a hard time making eyecontact in person so probably actually lips. 67. shorter or taller: It doesn’t matter? Like rude? I like em in all shapes in sizes. 68. older or younger: Older, but not like grandparent aged.  70. nice arms or nice stomach: I don’t give a fuck. Where’s the option for personality? 71. sensitive or loud: Sensitive because I’m shy and if the person is too loud or insensitive then I feel like I would start crying because yo like being in the spotlight gives me hardcore anxiety. 72. hook up or relationship: Relationship.  73. troublemaker or hesitant: Hesitant; I’m not about to fuckin babysit who I’m dating.
HAVE YOU EVER: 74. kissed a stranger: No 75. drank hard liquor: Yes, and then I punched my dad’s sunburn because he tricked me. 76. lost glasses/contact lenses: All the time.  77. turned someone down: Yes,, but the best way to turn people down is to show them pictures of Kim Seokjin. 78. sex on the first date: Hell nah boi. Unless you’re female, then I’d be down for it.  79. broken someone’s heart: Probably? By accident? 80. had your heart broken: Hell yes. 81. been arrested: Fuck no, I haven’t even been pulled over. 82. cried when someone died: Um, duh? 83. fallen for a friend: No? 
DO YOU BELIEVE IN: 84. yourself: Maybe like 10%. Okay, I have an irrational fear of mall railings because I don’t trust myself to not trip and accidentally fall over it. 85. miracles: Sure, some bullshit miracles tho? Nah. 86. love at first sight: I believe that is called attraction. For me, love comes with knowing a person not just being like--oh they cute I bet they have a great personality too. 87. santa claus: Nah, I deadass watched my mom write Santa on one of my presents as a child. 88. kiss on the first date: Sure? IDK, my partner kissed me before we even had our first date because motherfucker was antsy. hahah.  89. angels: Yesh.
OTHER: 90. current best friend’s name: I have so many of them--but like Kylee, Maria, Ashleen, Serena, Laura...... 91. eye color: Hazel AF. 92. favorite movie: Bitch I have so many. Split, terminator, Get Out, the purge movies, Brave, Moana, etc.
Tagging:
@g-d0818 @daegu-dreamin @seokjinaf @arisuna @anyoneelsethatwantstodothis
Also, feel free to not do it if I tagged ya. I’m just spacey and forgetful!
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drferox · 8 years ago
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20 Questions with Dr Ferox #8
My gosh, there’s just so much stuff you vetlings want to know, isn’t there? Well, knowledge is good, so here we go with yet another info dump as I try to answer a big slew of your questions in one hit.
Anonymous said: I sometimes get your patreon emails or an update on your blog while I'm studying/struggling in the wee-hours of the morning (vetmed). I'm in WA, so where-ever you are it's also late/early. What are you doing up in the witching hours?
First of all, I am an AdultTM and as such I am permitted to set by own Bed Time. There are many reasons why you might receive notifications from me so ‘early’.
I have a blog post on queue every morning between 5am and 6am my time (so probably 3am and 4am your time). It goes up automatically, so I can see initial responses before I go to work.
I think Patreon sends its emails at the same time each day, regardless of when I post. I certainly don’t type there early in the morning.
Sometimes I’m on nightshift and can get kinda bored at 3am sometimes.
Sometimes I just can’t sleep, especially with the changing day/night cycles.
Most of the blog runs on queue, honestly. At least three posts a day do.
@banesidhe said: Just happened to discover your blog. Thank you so much for posting like you do (even the snark. I'm a 911 dispatcher, I appreciate the snark ;) ), and sharing your experiences. No vet question, but if you could only ever re/read five books for the rest of your life, which five titles would make your cut?
Ah, I have found many similar people to myself among emergency personnel. There’s a particular combination of gallows humor and wishing people would get to the point that unites us.
For fiction books:
Feral, Kerry Greenwood
The Shepherd’s Crown, Terry Pratchett
Monstrous Regiment, Terry Pratchett
Watership Down, Richard Adam
Good Omens, Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman
Hmm, bit of a trend there.
But the work books I couldn’t live without are:
Plumb’s Veterinary Drug Handbook
The 5 minute veterinary consult, Dog and Cat Edition
Ettinger’s Textbook of Internal Medicine, Expert Consult
BSAVA Rabbit Medicine & Surgery Handbook
Small Animal Surgery, Fossum.
Anonymous asked: what was the most exotic/rare patient youve ever had?
This fat meerkat.
Anonymous said: My dog is a shelter dog and we suspect she was abused before we got her (afraid of E V E R Y T H I N G) and weve been slowly working on getting her to at least ignore people we walk past or that enter the house and thats been making progress. But she hates the vet. Hates it. Gets in my lap and refuses to leave. New dogs people and smells. So her normal vet takes the approach of having one of us hold/console her while they do all the poking and listening and whatnot and muzzling her if they need to and just getting it done as quickly as possible. But this last time she saw a new vet and this vet took the approach of hand-feeding her almost an entire bag of treats and called it "stress-eating" and tbh you should have seen the look on my dogs face. She was so weirded out. Shes highly food motivated so it was like heaven to her but she was simultaneously very suspicious. Her face was like"i love this but idk if i trust it" it was great.Have a greatday!
If you an reinforce the behaviour by arranging frequent, short visits to the vet clinic where nothing happens but lots of treats, she may start to associate the vet clinic with positive things (food) ad no scary things. This might make the rest ofher life easier.
Anonymous said: I own fancy rats and just want to put out there to people, that while they are THE MOST amazing tiny friends, in my experience most vets are completely lost when it comes to their care & several I've seen refused to even touch my exceptionally friendly females. They often get respiratory infections requiring antibiotics. One of my friend's females passed away bc nobody would perform a simple surgery on her. So please be cautious when buying them. 
I would like to suggest that any surgery on a rat is likely to be not simple, because they do have particular anesthetic requirements that can make their recovery difficult. Also that a lot of traditional rat medicine hinges on using post mortem examination as a diagnostic tool, which is not useful at all with pet rats.
In dog and cat medicine most of our equipment and even medications are not suitable for rats, or very difficult to adapt. We simply have fewer options, and generally less experience with these species Most vets I know will attempt to treat them, but with a great big disclaimer saying I don’t do this often, and a quick question as to whether you’d prefer to go to a nearby clinic that does see rats more often.
Anonymous said: Hello, I recently took in 3 abandoned kittens and they're covered in fleas. They appear to be 6 weeks old and can't use meds or wash for them. I clean them with vinegar and dish soap and I was wondering if you knew of any other ways to help them since they hate getting wet. I also use a comb but they dislike that as well.
You can use capstar on kittens from 4 weeks of age, and Revolution from 6, probably earlier. Talk to your vet.
Anonymous asked: Strange question but do you know if that rage syndrome thing can happen in cats also? I know a cat who does that and also acts strangely in general at the same time?
It is not documented in cats, however Feline Hyperesthesia Syndrome may present in a similar way.
Anonymous said: Hey doc! I plan on getting my cat fixed soon and I'm worried about how it'll affect her. She's really skittish and prefers to stay in one room, could getting her fixed make it worse?? I guess like what are the possible behavioral effects is what I'm askin? For the qt: ive been here a while i just dont like or reblog stuff but i came for the vet knowledge and stayed for it too, especially the mythical creatures and dog breed info
She is probably not going to have any long term personality changes from being desexed, though might be out of sorts for a few days after the anaesthetic. If anything they tend to be less stressed because they’re not attracting Toms.
Another Anonymous said: My kitten was neutered yesterday and he's doing great, healing well, playing nonstop, remarkably agile despite the e-collar (navigating small spaces, jumping to high places), eating & drinking well. The vet didn't give us any aftercare instructions but I googled it -- and wish I'd done so before the surgery because I could've prepared better. A lot of it seemed obvious in hindsight but nothing I'd have thought of on my own. Do you have a flier or anything for your patients' humans? 
We send our patients home with aftercare instructions. We have a default one that we print for routine surgery like desexing, and a customized one for non-routine procedures.
We also read it out to our clients when they pick up their pet, and point out that all these instructions are written down, because it’s easy to forget details when you’re worried.
Anonymous asked: I have a question! I saw your desexing cats post and thought I might send it to you. I neutered my male cat but he still sprays and tries to roam the neighborhood. I try to keep him inside best I can. Is there a reason this happens?
It may be stress, but you should consult your vet to rule out any underlying urinary tract issue before assuming so. Your vet should be able to discus the various stress reducing techniques, changes and treatments that are available.
Anonymous asked: Whenever my roommate wakes up before me, she makes bacon for breakfast while the coffee is brewing. If she hasn't slept well, her coherence is sometimes a bit... lacking. If our cat happens to demand food, about half the time she ends up giving him a slice of bacon instead of cat food. We only recently figured out that she's been doing this. He's not getting fat, and gets actual cat food later, so is this OK, or do we need to try to figure out how to keep this from happening?
While bacon is certainly digestible, it is not a balanced diet. It would be ideal if you could minimize his bacon habit.
@nowgovanish said: Hello! I have a question about my 13 and 4 year old cats. They seem to have some pretty bad skin reactions to certain foods, and I've tried a lot of different food brands that my vet reccommended. The one that seems to work best is a grain free/ non chicken variant, but I see that you aren't a huge fan of grain free. Is there anything I should change or try sticking with what works?
I have said many times before that if it’s working, keep feeding it.
Novel protein diets, and ideally single proteins source diets, are more use for allergies than just going ‘grain free’.
‘Grain Free’ labelling on food particularly vexes me because it’s not regulated. You can find ‘grain free’ food that really mean ‘corn free’ and either use grain byproducts or straight up use rice. Last time I checked, rice was a grain.
It’s like ‘Hollistic’ - it means nothing on a pet food label. Neither does ‘Organic’, pet food companies do not have to use all organic products in pet food to label the food as organic. These are marketing ploys like ‘all natural’ which are targeting your emotions and don’t mean anything when it comes to the food.
If you’ve come across a novel protein diet, or a minimum ingredient diet, that is beneficial for your cats then stick with it. But recognise what’s marketing and what’s useful.
Anonymous said: I love my dog but he is a complete and total moron. He has strangled himself so often that his bark is now raspy. He even found a way to do it with a harness! We've resorted to jogging when walking him to try and keep up but is there some way to make it better? We've tried letting him learn on his own, pausing when he pulls, and getting a longer leash. If he was much smarter I'd accuse him of being into asphyxiation.
I would suggest that you potentially need to figure out what motivates your dog most. Consider using positive reinforcement to encourage him to heel on the lead, instead of wandering and pulling.
You might also want to consider something like a halti collar, which pulls the dog’s nose downwards to their chest when they pull, instead of something that goes around the neck.
Anonymous: Would you consider it a good generalization that dogs more closely resembling/related to wolves (like huskies) have less health problems? I am aware that no dogs are completely lacking in health problems.  Tax: came for good hard factual analysis.
No. And here’s the thing- all modern dog breeds are equally distant from their wolf-like ancestor, unless they have been recently mixed with wolves again.
Their health problems are different to those dogs with more extreme anatomy, but dogs that look like wolves are not inherently healthier.
@justslowdown said: a book i have discusses the man who created the GSD breed (aka isolated traits from a diverse population) pairing dogs with their daughters, granddaughters, great-granddaughters and onwards til more than 1/2 of the pups had to be culled. due you think this could be partially responsible for the health issues remaining more than a century later? "Very drastic inbreeding was espoused during the formation of the breed [...] to quickly form specific type" - The German Shepherd Dog by Ernest H Hart
Certainly.
This is called line breeding, where the offspring of a ‘perfect’ individual are repeatedly bred back to the same individual generation upon generation to try to recreate it. All you really do is lose genetic diversity very quickly and allow recessive deleterious genes to proliferate in the population.
This is why just about everywhere else that’s not the purebred pet world, this is considered a bad thing to do.
@eyestumblin said: Do you think horses would look significantly different if their wonky anatomy were more logical?
They would no longer be a horse.
@cirque-du-spoon said: I saw you mention sheep on the horse thread and I spent a fair bit of time on a sheep farm in Wales. The head shepherd once told me "sheep are born, they spend the rest of their life trying to die". Then he opened his landrover door, and the passenger footwell was maybe 6 lambs snuggled up to one of his old motherly collies.
The common phrase down here was “The aim in life of a Merino ewe is to die and take fifty of her friends with her.” It’s not really much of an exaggeration.
Anonymous said: I'm intrigued to hear the faults of sheep, lay it on me!
Oh I will. It’s on my list for a big write up.
@queenalia said: Hi! I love the post about why horses make no sense, and I was wondering if you would do a similar one for sheep (one of the most suicidal animals on earth in my opinion)?
It will definitely be done sometime in the next few weeks. As you understand, it’s not  quick answer.
@vulturegeorge said: Hey Dr.F, after reeding your "horses-are-spindily-legged-disasters" post and your comment about how sheep are worse, I was wondering if you wished to elaborate? I am currently working on a heard of 50 random sheep my uni bought with a ton of lung issues ... so it'd be super interesting to me. Question tax: came for the Lucifer story, stayed for all of your amazing advice & opinions. I hope you are finding balance between vetting and living. cheers!
I promise I will elaborate. I can’t leave a cliff hanger like that and not explain... eventually.
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