#I think the guy who constantly struggles with self control would love a song that goes ‘lack of control the original sin’

[soullessjack]

you say jack is some-taylor-swift-song coded and nobody bats an eye, but I say jack is hot-lizard-by-machine-girl coded and society loses its mind

[beelspillowpet]

A Lesson in Love - A “Character Analysis” on Asmodeus

I had to come for the tracks, wigs, and weaves of bitches when Pomade dropped because I saw people talking shit about my boy. This was a milestone “project” or “reward” I guess?

I hit 400 followers today while I was out running errands!!! Thank you guys SO SO MUCH for the love and support! I can’t WAIT to produce more content for everyone!!!

Below the cut there WILL BE talk of season 3, as well as some talk of chapter 16. There’s a healthy amount of theorizing on his personality as well, I hope you don’t mind! This came out more like a plea to get people to change their minds about how Asmo really is, rather than a comprehensive essay of sorts. So here we go!

There’s something we apparently still need to talk about in this fanbase. The unrealistic idea of Asmodeus being a sex freak, and an unreliable person in general despite there being little proof of it. We need to set a few things straight about Asmo moving forward.

December 25th rolled around and Asmo’s audio drama and song were released. I take it everyone enjoyed both parts, as well as I did. My timeline both on twitter and tumblr were filled with Asmodeus content, as well as the other brothers and such. But I mostly got Asmo content. However, in peeks and cracks, if I looked hard enough, I still saw people who absolutely loathed Asmo or who were indifferent to him. Keep in mind; I think it’s okay. You don’t have to like everyone.

I’ve only joined the fanbase in September, but even I could tell some of these takes were old fashioned. I downloaded the game on October 17th, a very important anniversary for me, while I 

was still in bed in the morning. I blazed through the entire story of season 1 and now I am stuck in season 2, specifically in Chapter 24. I obviously don’t have every card of Asmodeus with his Devilgrams, but I have been analyzing his character over the past few days for this.

So needless to say, I have a considerable amount of information on him, as well as personal thoughts that may help some learn to love him. Or at the very least, from spreading a negative idea of him around as if it were true. Enough that should help clear his name, so to speak.

Let’s look at his title; Avatar of Lust. Now naturally the thoughts that come to your head are sex and other sexual bits. So I can understand how some people would come to the conclusion that he’s just a sex freak. But if you look under the surface of his title, like I’m sure you’ve had to for your own personal favorites (*cough* Lucifer, Belphie, and Satan ESPECIALLY) you would discover that Asmodeus is more than just about sex. In fact, sex takes up very little of his pass time, if you were to believe it!

In recent chapters, as I’ve been told, Asmodeus doesn’t really get around much anyways:

Granted, this was said while in Celestia, but I imagine not much has changed for him since his fall, as well as his brothers.

Not really comfortable being with just anyone, huh…? Sounds like someone who doesn’t have sex so warily often as you’d think!

Being lustful can come in many shapes and forms. It can be merely in appearance, which Asmo is not afraid of doing. He’s very comfortable about skinship and it’s very apparent in how he dresses and acts that he wants you to adore his body. To worship it! Maybe not sexually, but aesthetically! Being lustful can mean just thinking about sex or sexual scenarios often, which if you take a peek at Asmo’s chat’s either with you or his brothers, is very apparent too.

Personally, I believe that people would assume he is not good in a relationship because he would have a “cheating problem”. I don’t think Asmo is a monster, just like I don’t think any of the brothers are monsters. They may be demons (technically fallen angels) now but they used to be angels too. Their falling out with their Father doesn’t mean they’ve completely abandoned morality, it was a rebellion for Lilith’s right to live. Not for them to sin as they pleased. For all we know they might have been fine in Heaven otherwise! (with the exception of Lucifer.)

A monster knows right from wrong and chooses evil anyways. An ignorant person doesn’t know right from wrong. Asmodeus is not a monster, nor is he ignorant.

When Asmo genuinely loves you, I think he would take steps to calm down that side of him, if it were to exist. Lust is fairly limited, but it is a part of love to some extent. LOVE is vastly different. Love has many languages, and they aren’t all spoken either. For me, personally, I found that Lucifer’s love language can be either very direct, or roundabout so as to not let it go to your head, for an example. Asmo is just far more direct about his care for you.

I feel as though Asmo gets a lot of crap constantly for his presumed nature and because we don’t get to see much else of him at first, especially in season 1, his impression on us sort of stays. With most of the fanbase either somewhat new to the game or somewhere lost in the sea of the difficulty curve that is season 2, we can only assume based on what we’ve seen, and what others have headcanoned about him.

Let’s break and talk about Satan for a moment; this is going somewhere.

I’m led to believe that Satan can control his sin fairly well. He’s easy to get irritated, sure, but he isn’t as much of a walking ball of rage as I suspected. I would argue that, aside from Leviathan, Satan can handle his sin the best out of the brothers. But again, we’re forgetting about Asmo. The Avatar of “Lust”. Like I’ve shown before, he doesn’t really sleep around a lot, according to anon.

At worst, Asmo being flirty is through text and he’s not actively trying to sleep with you. It can be interpreted that way, but for me personally, it comes down to having a friend that is very up close and in your personal space.

(I myself am one of these types of people. Having ADHD, my social cues are always sort of off, and I’ve struggled with coping with it for years. With my best friend, we have seen each other naked countless times and have slept in the same bed as well. We were never romantic with each other. We were just very comfortable being close and personal with each other.)

I’d like to point out also that Asmo isn’t even there for most of season 1 too. Which can give you the idea that maybe he just was out sleeping around a lot, but to me he probably just went out partying a lot. You don’t get known that fast for sleeping around. Maybe in 5,000 years, sure, but I’d imagine being a party boy, as his Devilgram “Guided by Desire” suggests.

So the idea that Asmo isn’t in the house a lot because he’s out having sex all the time isn’t true is it? He’s probably just out partying, which can LEAD to sex with someone sure, but again, Asmo doesn’t feel comfortable doing that, now does he?

I feel like of all the boys, Asmo is the one who radiates with everyone else the most. Most people will never realize how surreal it is that Asmo is faking it until he makes it. He doesn’t always think he’s beautiful, or that he’s worth all the love he’s striving and straining to get. Something that is extremely relatable for a lot of people with self-worth issues. Asmo is just like that, but instead being sarcastic and self-deprecating, he simply works to make himself look as beautiful as possible, so that in his eyes, his beauty matches the affection he gets.

Which is why, when he falls in love with you, it’s strange. You are constantly telling him he’s nice and pretty, but you aren’t lusting after him. You’re just being nice. It may just be me, but when people are overly nice just for the sake of being nice, I’m very attracted to that. That is Asmo, to some extent. The fact that he reflects the insecurities and habits of others so clearly may make others uncomfortable, but that brutal honesty veiled behind insecurity is what a lot of people with self-image issues deal with.

Now for me to share my favorite personal idea for Asmo that completely changed how I saw him in season 1 onwards; Asmodeus is an empath. Now let me explain:

First, what is an Empath?

The term empath comes from empathy, which is the ability to understand the experiences and feelings of others outside of your own perspective. Seems simple, right? Everyone can do this to some extent. However, what makes you an empath is the fact that empaths genuinely feel the same pain as you do. So much so your experience becomes a very personal part of their own. They are capable of being able to feel other people’s emotions without them speaking, or even showing signs of it through their body language.

This would explain, for me personally, why there’s so little of him in season 1. The intensity of what goes on in the house, his sensitive soft-spoken mannerisms, the only time he truly gets mad is when he’s childishly arguing with Mammon? Asmo is afraid of true conflict, he’s afraid of violence and negative emotions. Let’s face it; everyone is indifferent or hates you at the start of the game.

While this changes fairly quickly, all the intense feelings come to a head in chapter 16. All those negative emotions swirling around, of course Asmo isn’t going to want to be in the house when it’s that intense. The attic didn’t just disappear completely, too. Belphie was still in the attic hating humans. That negative emotion could be affecting Asmo and he didn’t know why, so he could have been out of the house more.

Where Asmo can feel the emotions of others, it may mostly be the negative ones because they fill him with anxiety and panic if it persists. Which can be helpful in making him so urgent to want to make others smile and feel better, right?

Imagine being intimate with Asmodeus, and suddenly you aren’t in the mood for it anymore but don’t want to make things awkward. He could pick up on it in an instant and wouldn’t get mad because he understands how you feel completely.

Now to close this out about something that genuinely hurts me; Asmodeus is a narcissist.

I mean, the wiki says that he is, but personally? No, no he isn’t. Since when is loving yourself a bad thing? Sure he may go a bit far sometimes, but people with self-image issues need to go a little harder than the rest to make sure they're getting the love they need.

(Talking about myself AGAIN, but I do this a lot. At random, I will look up in my own mirror in front of my desk that I sit in front of all day and tell myself I am a cute bitch. I am VERY VERY cute and anyone would be lucky to have someone as drop dead gorgeous as myself. I say that a few times a day. In reality, I am very insecure about my looks. I do believe I’m cute, but sometimes it’s hard to say it. Which is why I force myself. Why wouldn’t Asmo do the same?)

Talking yourself up to be as beautiful as a sex god is no easy task, but Asmo isn’t the Avatar of “Lust” for no reason. When an insecure girl talks up her beauty, it’s her being strong and independent. When Asmo does it, its narcissism… it doesn’t really seem fair, now does it? Maybe he’s just an insecure person who needs to tell himself ALL THE TIME that he’s beautiful. That if he stares at his reflection long enough, he may see it too.

(Also, Simeon literally calls him out on being insecure. Insecure people tend to try and overcompensate where they feel they’re lacking.)

”Asmodeus is hinted to be insecure and seeking for love and attention. When Simeon was asked about what he thought of Asmodeus, he says that Asmodeus is still trying to fulfill the role of the angel he used to be; an angel that was adored and loved by many. Asmodeus laughs at Simeon's remark and brushes it off by saying that he is only jealous.” - A section from said Asmodeus Wiki.

People can choose to love or hate Asmo, obviously. Making things up about his character without having anything but speculation and having that dictate how he acts is plain silly. This entire “essay” if you can call it that, comes from the heart. I love Asmo as a character, and in the beginning he did make me uncomfortable, I didn’t like him that much. But I learned to look past that and figure out why he acts the way he does. Something didn’t sit right with me about him for a while, and it was that air of insecurity that I didn’t see at first.

All I can really ask for, is giving Asmo another chance as a character. He’s not as wild and wacky as Mammon, or as cool and sexy as Lucifer, or as edgy and precious as Belphie, but he matters in this story too. He fell from grace with his brothers for Lilith. Give him another chance, and let him show you that he is the Avatar of Love.

[unforth]

So keeping in mind that I’ve literally already written a 40k Destiel fic inspired by Selena Gomez’s “Back to You,” today it came up on my play list and I started to think about ficcing it again, but this time Wangxian. It’s just such a ficcable song, I can’t even.

Like, a modern AU (set in the US) where Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji were once dating, and Wei Wuxian started making friends with “the wrong sorts,” and so Lan Qiren forced Lan Wangji to dump him. They part ways for a few years.

Lan Wangji never really recovers, and he perfunctorily dates the people his uncle sets him up with, and his life kinda stalls...not that there’s anything wrong with it, just...it’s always the same, the same places, the same people, the same work, the same wake up time, the same daily routine, the same bedtime. Sometimes he’s not sure which he misses more - Wei Wuxian, or the disruption to his life that Wei Wuxian represents. He almost wishes that Wei Wuxian has gone as “bad” as Lan Qiren was so, so sure he would, because then it would be proof - that stepping outside the box is not the way to a good life, that Lan Wangji made the right choices even if he’s not happy with them, that kind of thing.

Wei Wuxian also never really recovers, but instead of letting it get him down, he’s even more determined to prove that he’s so much more than what snobs like Lan Qiren thought of him - and so are the friends he made, who are of course Wen Qing and Wen Ning. They also have really had a tough time, with a lot of people assuming the worst about them because of their family connections. The three make a pact together - to succeed, no matter what it takes, and to help each other whenever one of them starts to struggle. And it works. Though they’re a little behind their peers - they all go to college, and they all finish their degrees, they all get advanced ones. Wen Qing becomes a doctor. Wei Wuxian becomes an engineer. Wen Ning becomes a vet. They get respectable jobs, if poorly paid because that’s the economy in 2020s USA, and they’re slowly building lives for themselves. No one from the circles his adopted family move in will associate with him anyway - he got kicked out for some of his youthful shenanigans, and though he’s in touch with his siblings, his “parents” won’t acknowledge him - but he doesn’t care. He knows he’s succeeding, no matter what they say about him.

(read more)

Though Lan Wangji never stops thinking about Wei Wuxian, he refuses to Google him or look him up. Fantasize about him? Yes. Wish his current SO was them? Yes. Occasionally scroll through Jiang Yanli’s friends list just to make sure Wei Wuxian is still there? Yes. But he doesn’t look him up, doesn’t friend him, doesn’t outreach. Why should he? Some regrets are normal, but he’s over it - he’s definitely over it.

Not that Wei Wuxian expected him to. Lan Wangji broke his heart, and it hurt - oh, it hurt so much, but Wei Wuxian is definitely over him. Who needs that asshole anyway? Wei Wuxian knows his worth, and he doesn’t need the affection of someone who cast him aside at the say so of his uncle. If he occasionally comes moaning Lan Wangji’s name...that’s a perfectly normal thing to do as regards someone Wei Wuxian hasn’t dated in a decade, right? Lan Wangji was, and presumably still is, hot as fuck, and Wei Wuxian has a healthy labido

Which is to say, neither of them is over it at all.

Still, their mutual pining might have never come to a head if not for Lan Wangji’s best friend - Jin Zixuan - getting engaged to Wei Wuxian’s sister Jiang Yanli.

And then, suddenly, after so many years, they’re in frequent contact again - helping with planning the wedding - and, well...

For Wei Wuxian, it’s infuriating. There’s Lan Wangji, still quiet, still distant, and sometimes when Wei Wuxian glances his way, he can swear that he caught Lan Wangji looking at him with resentment and regret, which - that’s some fucking bullshit right there, cause it’s not Wei Wuxian who ditched Lan Wangji, not Wei Wuxian who caved to family pressure. That’s all Lan Wangji - what’s Lan Wangji got to resent?

For Lan Wangji, it’s awful. Wei Wuxian is at least 8 times more gorgeous than Lan Wangji remembers him being, tall and lithe, his hair long, his affect casual. Despite the same air of nonchalance he always projected, though, now he’s like that but ALSO educated, successful, and self-made. Every bad thing Lan Qiren said would come to pass for Wei Wuxian is now proven a lie, and Lan Wangji feels wretched about it. Even worse, Wei Wuxian is clearly single - and “ready to mingle,” as Lan Wangji believes the phrase goes. Literally anyone who breaths, of any gender, is apparently fair game, and Wei Wuxian flirts constantly, especially with members of Lan Wangji’s friends circle. Mo Xuanyu? The poor guy never knew what hit him. Lan Jingyi? Is like eight years to young for Wei Wuxian, but that doesn’t stop him. Ouyang Zizhen? Lan Wangji is pretty sure Wei Wuxian doesn’t even know Zizhen’s name - or his age - but again, when did any reasonable objection ever stop Wei Wuxian? Luo Qingyang? She’s a lesbian for fucks sake, but she apparently doesn’t mind, and even flirts back, and Wei Wuxian is incorrigible.

Maybe Lan Qiren was right after all.

Wei Wuxian is determined to flaunt what Lan Wangji missed out on, loudly and publicly. Mo Xuanyu does make for a fun fling, and Lan Jingyi is a good kisser but they never get farther than that. Ouyang Zizhen is definitely too young - and he’s straight - but he laughs along when Wei Wuxian is outrageous, and they understand each other. And Luo Qingyang...Wei Wuxian suspects she knows exactly what the score is, and is maybe even helping him.

Helping him make Lan Wangji miserable, that is.

Wei Wuxian is definitely not looking to accomplish anything else.

Unless he can secure a Plus One to the wedding, ideally one who can join the wedding party and stand beside Wei Wuxian when he and Jiang Cheng give Jiang Yanli away.

Cause, oh, the look on Lan Wangji’s face, if he’s forced to spend the entire wedding facing Wei Wuxian and his date? Priceless, definitely.

Lan Wangji is determined to give Wei Wuxian the space to do...whatever it is Wei Wuxian is doing. Wei Wuxian always was a whirlwind, and Lan Wangji has never wanted to control him, never known how to keep up. Still, it galls to see Wei Wuxian flirting, and it hurts to see Wei Wuxian act indifferently towards him, and it aches to remember that, had things been different, Lan Wangji could have been on the receiving end of all those lovely, carefree smiles.

Rather than deal with the difficulty he has breathing whenever he’s in the same room as Wei Wuxian is in the room, Lan Wangji throws himself into the logistic planning of the final weeks leading up to the wedding. He coordinates vendors. He soothes ruffled feathers. He makes sure the caterers know literally everyone’s dietary preferences and restrictions. He works, and he works, and he works, and he tries to do nothing but work, but sometimes...

...Wen Qing will wander by, take over his spreadsheet, and tell him to go socialize...

...or Wen Ning will intercept the decoration Lan Wangji was moving, lift it surprisingly effortlessly, and tell Lan Wangji to join the main gathering...

...or Luo Qingyang will come and lecture him about how hiding is dumb and maybe he’d actually meet someone new if he tried.

As if Lan Wangji will get to meet someone new.

As if Lan Qiren will let Lan Wangji be with them, even if Lan Wangji did.

They’re trying to help, but he can’t figure out why. Wen Qing and Wen Ning especially are barely even his friends - but they’re closer to Wei Wuxian than anyone else in the world...Lan Wangji can’t fathom what they’re up to. If he didn’t know better, he’d almost think they were trying to get him back together with Wei Wuxian? Which makes him think they don’t know Wei Wuxian half as well as they think they do, cause there’s no way that Wei Wuxian wants that - no way that Wei Wuxian wants him. Lan Wangji had his chance. He gets that.

(But, oh, it’d be nice to believe, even for a minute, even for a single dinner party, that maybe that would be something Wei Wuxian would want.)

But that’s impossible.

So Wei Wuxian flirts shamelessly.

And Lan Wangji hides behind duty and a stoic facade.

And the day of the wedding approaches - they get through the rehearsal dinner, the bachelor and bachelorette parties, the hangovers the next morning, all of it...and then it’s time.

Lan Wangji knows he should be watching Jin Zixuan, dressed in full Chinese traditional garb for an utterly Western style wedding, but instead he can’t keep his eyes off the opposite wedding party. Luo Qingyang is maid of honor, in a chongseom that makes no sense as either traditional Chinese or modern Western - and Jiang Yanli insisted on her brothers standing at her side, and so Jiang Cheng and Wei Wuxian are both there.

In tuxedos.

A sharp contrast to the robes in muted colors that Jin Zixuan picked out for his wedding party.

And Jiang Cheng still has a look on his face like he stepped in something gross and is too dignified to wipe it off on the carpeting, but Wei Wuxian...oh, Wei Wuxian is so perfect, absolutely flawless, and his pleasure is so obviious and uninhibited. From the moment the tent flaps open and Jiang Fengmian walks his daughter, in full Phoenix robes and an elaborate golden head dress (a family heirloom, no less), Wei Wuxian only has eyes for his sister, and his joy for her is spectacular and makes Lan Wangji’s chest ache.

As the ceremony commences - Western secular, seriously, what, not that it’s a surprise, Lan Wangji helped plan it, but it’s still weird - Lan Wangji looses himself in the rhythm of non-religious liturgy and imagining that, had his life gone differently, how Wei Wuxian looks now might have been how he’d have looked on their wedding day.

He wants that so badly.

He so, so desperately wishes that could have been.

For once, Lan Wangji isn’t wrong about Wei Wuxian’s train of thought. He’s got eyes for no one but Jiang Yanli - well, and a small aside of imagining all the ways he’ll make Jin Zixuan regret ever being born, should he ever hurt her. The ceremony passes so quickly he’s amazed - usually he’s super impatient and antsy during events like this - but no, he’s fine, he’s fine, he’s fine, he’s...and then it’s over, and he glances to the groom’s party, and he realizes...Lan Wangji is staring at him.

Reflecting back over the ceremony...Lan Wangji has been staring at him the whole time?

And seriously - what the fuck is up with that? What had Wei Wuxian done wrong this time? Was it the tux? Lan Wangji coordinated the rental, if he’d objected to the Western attire, he had plenty of time to say something. Was it the way Wei Wuxian was rocking back on his heels? As if Jiang Yanli didn’t know Wei Wuxian couldn’t stand still - as if she’d ever hold that against him! His mind scrambles through explanations, each more ridiculous and rude than the last...no matter what the reason is, he’s sure that his existence offends Lan Wangji, as it also offended Lan Qiren. If it didn’t, why would Lan Wangji have treated him so indifferently since they re-met?

(It definitely isn’t because Wei Wuxian has intentionally kept him at arms length, oh no, this - whatever this is - is absolutely entirely Lan Wangji’s fault.)

Still, now that he’s aware of Lan Wangji’s condemnation, Wei Wuxian can’t stop thinking about it. It preoccupies him all through agonizingly dull hour of taking group photographs in various places in the picturesque garden, and all through the brief period he actually gets to spend during the passed platter part of the reception - hors d’ouevres to tide the guests over while the family and wedding parties do the pictures - and all through the achingly dull meal. The food is good, Wei Wuxian supposes. The wedding has been nice, Wei Wuxian supposes. Jiang Yanli is elated, Wei Wuxian knows, and he’s delighted for her, but...somehow, the joy has drained out of the evening.

Fucking Lan Wangji - can’t behave himself for one fucking evening, he’s even going to ruin this for Wei Wuxian.

Fuck it - as soon as the meal is over, and the first dances done, and the reception switches from staid social affair to open bar dance party, Wei Wuxian resolves to get sloshed as fast as humanly possible. Anything to stop him from thinking so damn much.

Lan Wangji is one of a handful of designated drivers amongst the people in his generation - he’s expecting to do at least three runs back to the hotel, starting with the bride and groom, then all the Jin half-siblings, then probably the Jiangs, judging by how they’re behaving so far, and then...he doesn’t know, but he suspects there’ll be others. Looking around as the evening grows later, the music louder, and the dancing more raucous, he tries to do a mental tally, and realizes...something is wrong.

No, nothing is wrong...someone is missing.

Where’s Wei Wuxian?

Confused, Lan Wangji looks around again. Wei Wuxian had been dancing - with his sister, with his brother in law, with Luo Qingyang, with Mo Xuanyu, with the folks a half-generation younger like Lan Jingyi, with anyone or anyone, by himself...but no...Luo Qingyang is dancing with Wen Qing, if “intense dance floor frottage” can be considered dancing...and Jin Zixuan and Jiang Yanli are dancing together, and Mo Xuanyu is flirting with some guy Lan Wangji doesn’t recognize, and the half-generation younger folks are teasing some poor Jiang junior, and Wei Wuxian has been exuberantly present for much of the evening, and now he’s just...gone.

As drunk as Wei Wuxian appeared to be, that can’t be good.

So, concerned - just that Wei Wuxian is drunk and might have tried something dumb, like driving home himself, or gotten lost on the way to the bathroom, or needed to throw up, not about anything else, Lan Wangji is definitely not concerned about Wei Wuxian in any other respect - Lan Wangji goes in search of Wei Wuxian.

He checks around the outside of the tent - nothing.

He checks inside the venue’s main building - nothing.

He checks the bathrooms - nothing.

He checks the parking lots - nothing, and of course Wei Wuxian didn’t take a vehicle, he didn’t drive himself.

He checks everywhere he can think, as the night grows later and darker and the party proceeds and the oldest, most staid guests start to say their goodbyes.

Finally, tired, out of ideas, and disinterested in returning to the loud bright heat of the tent, Lan Wangji goes for a walk through the manicured grounds. Even in the dark of night, the place the Jin-Jiang’s chose is lovely. Scattered decorative lights cast barely enough light to navigate the lanes and paths, aided by a full moon and the occasional flicker of a firefly. There’s a koi pond in the center - they took a lot of pictures there - and a few stone benches around it, so Lan Wangji meanders in that direction. He can still hear the party. He’ll know when they need him. He really needs some time to himself - it’s all been too much.

He tries not to think too hard about what “it” actually refers to in that thought.

Nothing Wei Wuxian does diffuses the empty feeling in his chest; every drink, he feels worse. Every dance, he feels more like he’s putting on an act. His friends were starting to notice - Luo Qingyang and Wen Qing had exchanged a look and then rounded on him like they were going to pin him down and force him to...or try to force him to...talk about his ~feelings~, and so Wei Wuxian fled into the gardens, found a bench where he could listen to the soft sussuration of flowing water somehow audible over the thump of the bass, and breathe.

It’s been a long time since Wei Wuxian felt like he could breathe.

He still doesn’t feel like he can breathe.

Which is ridiculous, he knows, and he’s in the process of going into extensive internal detail of why it’s ridiculous when a damn ghost steps into the clearing around the koi pond...

...no, not a ghost...it’s Lan Wangji, cheeks pale from how much time he spends in doors, robes nearly white when their pale blue is washed out by the moonlight, hair raven falling about his shoulders. His headband frames his noble brow, and his corsage rains a trail of vining flowers over one shoulder like some strange epaulette, and oh, he’s gorgeous, and Wei Wuxian recognizes, to his horror, in that instant...

...he’s never, ever, ever been over Lan Wangji, and he never will be...

...and he’ll never, ever, ever get to be with Lan Wangji. Like, ever.

Lan Wangji is staring at him.

Fuck Wei Wuxian’s life.

“I’ll just...go...” Wei Wuxian mumbles.

The statement hangs heavy in the night air as Wei Wuxian rises, straightens his tux, heads toward the pathway that Lan Wangji just entered from...and then stops.

Because Lan Wangji has grabbed his forearm.

“Oh come on, man - what the fuck?” Wei Wuxian demands, yanking his arm away. “Look, I get it, I’m your least favorite person - well, the wedding’s done, you’ll never have to see me again if you don’t want. Is that what you want? Would that finally make you happy?”

He’s breathing hard by the time he stops talking, and Lan Wangji is still staring at him, and Wei Wuxian wants to flee - not to the tent, but to...literally anywhere...anywhere that Lan Wangji isn’t...except he can’t make his legs work, and he can’t seem to move, and Lan Wangji won’t. stop. staring. and then Lan Wangji opens his mouth, and it seems to be in slow motion, and is he actually going to speak, holy shit, Lan Wangji hasn’t said a word to Wei Wuxian since he said, “good bye” ten years ago, and then of all the fucking things to come out of Lan Wangji’s mouth, all he says is,

“No.”

“Wha...why...ho...WHAT?”

“You asked, ‘is that what I want? Would that make me happy?’ The answer is no, Wei Ying. That is not what I want. That would not make me happy.”

“Oh. Well. Fucking good for you.” Wei Wuxian doesn’t even know what the fuck he’s saying. He doesn’t know what the fuck Lan Wangji is saying. All he knows is that being there hurts, and he’s so damn tired of hurting, and Lan Wangji already destroyed him once...

...and I’d give anything for five minutes with him, even if I know he’ll likely destroy me again...

“What do you want?” asks Lan Wangji, like he actually cares about the answer, and Wei Wuxian can only goggle at him, because he was so so incredibly clear about what he wanted ten years ago - he even fucking asked Lan Wangji to marry him, said, “I’ll do anything, conquer any challenge - we can make this life together, Lan Zhan,” and Lan Wangji had just said, “Good bye,” and now, now, Lan Wangji wants to know what Wei Wuxian wants? What gives him the right? What gives him the entitlement? What gives him the audacity?

What makes him think anything Wei Wuxian wants has changed?

But Wei Wuxian can’t say that, can he...?

The silence stretches out between them.

Neither moves.

Neither speaks.

Fireflies flit around them.

Lan Wangji dreads Wei Wuxian answering, dreads him walking away, dreads losing this last precious moment they share, even though the tension of this moment is so awful that Lan Wangji fears it will break him.

“What would you say if...if I said that all I want...is all I’ve ever wanted?” whispers Wei Wuxian, like he’s terrified.

Lan Wangji has no idea why he’s terrified.

Lan Wangji has no idea what he means.

He asks with a raised brow, and Wei Wuxian laughs awkwardly. “Naw, I can’t do the ‘silent Lan act’ right now. Use your words, I’m fucking right out of here, okay?”

“I’m sorry. I’ll try.” It’s ludicrously hard, but...for Wei Wuxain, Lan Wangji will always try, always regret that he didn’t try harder when he should have. “I...don’t understand. You say...what you always wanted. A degree. A found family. Your siblings at your side. A pet rabbit. An apartment with a bidet. A signed copy of ‘The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.’ There were many things you said you wanted. I’m afraid I’m unclear which you mean.”

“You...you remember all that dumb shit I said back then?” Wei Wuxian sounds astonished. How can Wei Wuxian sound astonished? How can Wei Wuxian believe Lan Wangji would have forgotten a minute of those wonderful days - the best of his life?

“Mn.”

“Well, none of that shit’s what I mean. Got most of it anyway. Bidets are awesome. But Lan Wangj...Lan Zhan...”

His name, said in that sweet voice, causes a tingle to go down Lan Wangji’s spine.

“...all I’ve ever wanted was you.”

Lan Wangji’s jaw drops.

“And you told me to fuck right out of your life when I asked for that, so...fuck, what am I even still doing here?”

“Kissing me.”

“Wha--”

Lan Wangji interrupts Wei Wuxian’s confused exclamation with action - grapping Wei Wuxian’s shoulders and pulling him into a kiss. It’s rude, and inappropriate, and consent - what consent? - and Wei Wuxian doesn’t reciprocate but...oh well. Lan Wangji has already ruined his love life. At least he can have one kiss to remember fondly, to cherish, to--

--and then Wei Wuxian has an arm around Lan Wangji’s shoulder, their bodies pressed together, their lips moving as one, and oh, it’s good - glorious - Lan Wangji could weep he’s so happy. They kiss, and kiss, and kiss, shifting in the moonlight, lost in their embrace. Lan Wangji is breathless and growing dizzy, but he’s terrified to put space between them - what if this is goodbye? What if it’s just Wei Wuxian flirting, like he flirts with everyone? What if...what if...what if...

But finally, they do part, and scantly, bodies still close, embrace still maintained, faces inches apart.

“What’s going on, Lan Zhan?” asks Wei Wuxian weakly.

“I kissed you.”

“Yeah...got that part...but why...?”

“I know I’ve no right to ask this...but would you try again? With me? With us? Would you--?”

Wei Wuxian is kissing him again before Lan Wangji can finish the question.

Wei Wuxian can’t believe that’s a real question Lan Wangji has to ask - as if Wei Wuxian wouldn’t have taken Lan Wangji back anytime, at the drop of a hat, over the past decade.

(Okay, that’s unfair...Wei Wuxian’s actually been a huge dick about it...he knows Lan Wangji had no independent living, and relied on his family, and Wei Wuxian was just some aimless jackass, and, and, and...but it still stung that Lan Wangji wouldn’t throw all cares to the wind to be with Wei Wuxian, as Wei Wuxian would have done - had done - to be with Lan Wangji.)

But it feels dumb to dwell on that when Lan Wangji is in his arms, kissing him so eagerly, asking if he’ll try again.

Because of fucking course Wei Wuxian will try again.

“I don’t know what that means, Wei Ying,” says Lan Wangji with obvious frustration.

Kiss.

“It means yes,” Wei Wuxian replies.

Kiss.

“Yes?”

Kiss.

“Yes.”

Kiss.

“Always?”

Kiss.

“If you’ll have me back...”

Kiss.

“As if I’d ever turn you down!”

Kiss.

“Already did once...”

Kiss.

“And regretted it endlessly.”

Kiss.

“Good. You deserved at least that much suffering.”

Kiss.

“Deserved it, and more.”

Kiss.

“I suppose I’ll forgive you, if...”

Kiss.

“Anything. Just tell me.”

Kiss.

Oh, Wei Wuxian has so many ideas, and he delights in teasing Lan Wangji with each and every one, whispered between husky breaths in to the cooling air, interrupting himself constantly to kiss, and kiss, and kiss.

They’re still making out by the koi pond when Wen Qing and Luo Qingyang come looking for the promised designated driver.

They don’t even consult - or consider interrupting - when they do find the two idiots locked in an embrace. As one, the ladies turn, exchange a silent, smug high-five, and pull out their phones to order Ubers.

They can pay for rides for the Bride and Groom and family members and other drunken party goers.

Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian have a lot of catching up to do.

(and done)

(oops, this got long)

(and yes, this is absolutely a mash up of a modern AU with the lyrics to “Go Back to You” with a healthy dose of the plot of Jane Austen’s “Persuasion.”)

[iamtheblondestblonde]

The Clark Kent Effect

Part Three

AN: Imma be honest, I’m not happy with this part. I feel like my brain isn’t entirely ready for writing yet, it’s still wired to argue cases so please bear with me as I get my shit together. I still wanted to give the people who follow this story something though (you have no idea how happy I am about every single one of you) and I sincerely hope that this is good enough, apologies if not :) 

Song: Catching Feelings - Drax Project (this will be a thing from now on)

Word Count: 4,6k 

Warnings: explicit language I’m pretty sure but thats it

Masterlist / Part One / Part Two

You felt foolish really. It was as if your entire life had turned into a soap opera overnight. You wouldn’t call yourself cynical by all means, you loved love and everything that came along with it far too much for that, but you would’ve at least described yourself as rational.

Up until now.

Up until now you’d been convinced that if people really wanted to, they would be together. Up until now you’d been a believer of where there’s a will, there will be a way - relationships that would classify as statutory rape excluded of course, age was a bit more than just a number in those cases - but you, you, you had been stopped by the Bro-Code, which was just absolutely ridiculous.

Imagine telling that to your parents: Hey mom, so I met this great guy but I can’t do anything about it because he’s friends with my ex. Your grandma would straight up laugh in your face if you told her, the badass bitch had married her former lover’s rich best friend after she’d gotten the news that her fiancé hadn’t survived the war. Without needing to call her you knew that she’d tell you to go for Mat in a second, no matter how much she’d adored Tito back then.

But you weren’t your grandma and Tito hadn’t died in a war so here you were, pining over a guy you couldn’t have and practically living out a tragic romance novel. Technically you didn’t even know if Tito would have anything negative to say about the entire situation, it may all be water under the bridge by now, but you also couldn’t just casually ask him without giving anything away.

The only good thing about this situation was that Tito had brought a great group of people along with him into your life. He’d always been good at making friends, that certainly hadn’t changed from when he was younger and since the two of you had hit it up again your friend groups had seemingly merged without issue. It sure made for an interesting dynamic. You’d had some explaining to do whenever you initiated someone new into a group that also included your ex, but the result was definitely worth it.

Spending time with Tito was just as easy as it used to be, back before feelings complicated everything. Somehow you’d managed to fall back into a completely platonic relationship, one that worked just as well when the two of you were alone as it did with others around.

You’d missed having him around the years before, his view on things and the way he’d always managed to make decisions easy by providing simple solutions.

Should you get a puppy right now? - No, your apartment is too small for a big dog right now and no, you also shouldn’t settle for a purse-sized dog because you’ve always wanted a big one since you were little.

Maybe a cat instead? - No, you are allergic to cats, don’t be stupid.

What about one of those naked ones? - Also no, you need to bathe those frequently because of the built up oils on their skin and you don’t even have a bathtub in your apartment.

(You really had to bathe those from time to time, you’d looked it up. Apparently they could still trigger allergies as well, which straight up sucked.)

Should we grab Thai or Chinese? – Chinese, you told me about this new place you wanted to try out like three days ago.

What can I do to stop this one coworker from belittling and making fun of me? - I’ll help you make her jealous, how about some courtside seats to watch the Nets since she likes basketball?

The last idea had actually come from Mat (since Tito didn’t know shit about basketball), who had also pulled some strings to get four tickets so you could attend the game with Dana, Tito and him. Mat had even taken some pictures of Dana and you in your jerseys and at the game so you could post about your night excessively on your social media, making sure that said co-worker would see it. They’d also given you a tour of the building and you were surprised to say that their locker didn’t smell as bad as you’d expected.

Said coworker hadn’t said anything ever since by the way, but you could still see her lurking on your Instagram.

For all the advice Tito provided you with, you still hadn’t asked him the one thing you needed an answer to:

Is Mat off limits?

But you couldn’t do that and therefore it somehow became a normal thing for Mat and you to walk on eggshells around each other after the “incident” at the bar.

From time to time there were moments that made it blatantly obvious how good things could be – the time he’d excitedly side hugged-you after the Nets turned the game that one night before realizing what he’d just done and quickly letting go, how he’d found you in the crowd and looked straight at you after scoring a goal at one of his games before being swept away by his teammates or simply how you could see him looking around until he found you whenever your group met up – but they never lasted more than a few seconds.

The two of you were stuck, neither of you wanting to hurt Tito’s feelings. At least with your big group moments with Mat alone were rare. They still happened from time to time though, especially since the majority of your friends wasn’t even aware of your dilemma, which was why you found yourself in the passenger seat of his car on a Friday night.

Emily’s boyfriend Rafael had finally returned from a two-month-long work trip to Spain and was dead set on making an authentic recipe he’d been taught over there for everyone. Unfortunately he’d made the mistake of putting Emily in charge of getting the needed groceries and in true Emily fashion she’d forgotten to buy tomatoes. Something neither of them had noticed until Rafael had wanted to start cooking as soon as everyone arrived at their place. Maybe Emily had done it on purpose or maybe she hadn’t been thinking properly in that moment, too caught up in the fact that her lover was with her again, but she’d tasked Mat and you with a last-minute errand run to the store.

You couödn’t stop yourself from checking out the wine aisle though, leaving him waiting behind, dutifully holding a bag of fresh tomatoes and checking his phone while you inspected the options. Rafael had asked you to bring some wine as well but the one he’d requested was apparently out of stock.

“Barzal”, you called for his attention, inspecting a label to try and figure out if it was a suitable replacement, “you think Rafael would like this one?”

As you turned around with the bottle in your hand you were taken by surprise by Mat’s proximity. You hadn’t even noticed how close he’d moved until now and for a couple of seconds you were caught up in your daydreams again. He seemed to struggle with the same thing, his pupils blown and his breathing growing uneven while the two of you just stared at each other. His lips were so close and so incredibly inviting, his mouth slightly agape.

If I leaned up on my tippy toes right now I could-

You quickly stopped yourself from finishing that thought, looking down so you had a couple of seconds to gather your thoughts, thoughts Mat seemed to infiltrate constantly. By the time you dared to look up again he was running his hand across his face in frustration before slowly breathing out and returning to his cool and collected regular self.

“I’m the wrong person to ask this, he was drinking some red wine earlier and the one you picked out is obviously red but that’s about it. Wine culture is definitely lost on me, sorry. I prefer beer.”

“Stereotypical hockey player through and through, I see.” Later on you’d tell yourself that the smirk that followed made your brain short-circuit, because there was no other way to explain why you’d keep on flirting otherwise.

“Maybe one day I’ll teach you, only if you’re nice to me though”, you teased, maybe in an effort to take control over the situation, maybe because you simply couldn’t stop yourself but his laugh made your heart soar for one second, until you remembered why this shouldn’t be happening.

Maybe you simply were an undiscovered masochist because even though you knew you should stay away from him you kept finding yourself in situations like this one way too many times. Deciding that you’d simply drink the wine by yourself if anyone had an issue with it - drowning your sorrows seemed like a great idea either way right now - you handed him a second bottle before moving to leave the aisle and in turn his personal space.

Making eye contact with Colin standing a couple of meters away from you got you to do a full 180 though, almost smacking into Mat in the process, who had obviously followed you towards the cashiers.

What was it with Mat and you?!

While a collision was thankfully avoided, Colin’s presence could cause other problems, since he hadn’t exactly appreciated you breaking off things over a month ago. Because you hadn’t known him for long it had taken you longer than you liked to admit to realize that he was a manipulative bastard, you weren’t proud of that, and you had no idea how he’d act right now.

“What’s wrong?”

“My ex is over there and I don’t want to talk to him. Is he walking in our direction?”

Mat lifted his concerned glance from you to look over your shoulder so he could be on the lookout.

“If he’s the one wearing a Gucci hoodie that is so obviously fake then yes, he is walking in our direction.”

You let out a snort at the casual burn but you weren’t too happy about having to face Colin right now. He hadn’t even crossed your mind in these past few weeks but for him to cross paths with you while you were with Mat of all people seemed to be yet another one of these odd twists of fate your life seemed to attract lately. Maybe your guardian angel had decided to start a meth lab instead sometime recently, there was no other way to explain what was going on instead.

“Uh.. you look good, don’t worry, he’s definitely the one that missed out. Do- do you want me to pretend to be your boyfriend or something?”, Mat stuttered out nervously, probably noticing your anxious shifting and you couldn’t help but smile at his words, despite him being wrong about the reason behind your nervousness.

“Thanks for the offer”, you gave him a gentle smile of reassurance before continuing, “but no, it’s not about the way I look or anything like that, I don’t give a fuck what he thinks of me because he’s an idiot. I just don’t want him to cause any problems and if I could I’d just run away from him forever so he doesn’t have the chance to ever ruin my night again.”

“Well I’m no expert on forever, but I’m here right now and I say fuck that guy”, he responded and with that he grabbed your hand and started running towards the cashiers, leaving you with no other choice but to run along with him so he wouldn’t rip your arm out of its socket.

Oh how you wished you had a picture of the expression on Colin’s face as Mat and you ran past him, hand in hand and cackling like maniacs.

He was apparently too stunned to follow you as you fought over who would pay for the stuff - Mat ultimately winning - but you didn’t let that stop you from running all the way to this car as well. Of course hand in hand.

Masochist.

Somehow the weird tension between the two of you seemed to lift sometime during your little sprint but you weren’t sure if this would be permanent or if it was a spur of the moment thing. You’d be damned if you didn’t enjoy it while it lasted though.  

The entire ride back you couldn’t stop thinking about the way his hand had felt in yours and what a perfect fit it had been, desperately wanting to feel it again as the two of you sang along to the songs playing over the speakers, perfectly happy in your little bubble.

-

As Christmas approached Emily roped everyone in to accompany her on her mission to make Rafael appreciate the cold that taken over New York. According to her he dearly missed sunny Spain but all you could see was a man who was happy to be home again. You weren’t about to tell her that though, you’d long figured out that whenever she’d set her mind to something it was best to simply follow along. Everyone else had apparently come to the same realization because no one objected to her plans.

Emily wanted to take Rafael ice skating and since the Rockefeller Center apparently wasn’t good enough and too crowded, she told everyone to meet at Pier 17. Dana and Mariah were on board of course and you’d managed to convince Tito to come along, who had in turn invited Mat.

In a ridiculous attempt to not get spotted, both Mat and Tito had donned a pair of glasses and while you were used to seeing them on Tito by now, seeing Mat with them again knocked the breath out of your lungs for a second.

It had been almost two months since you’d last seen him like this and the fact that you hadn’t recognized him that night seemed impossible to you now. Maybe it was because you’d gotten to know him since, seeing him in real life instead of only on pictures and memorizing his handsome features in the process but as you tried to get a good glance at him without anyone noticing you realized that he’d never be Clark Kent to you again.

Whether that was a good or a bad thing was still left to decide though.

“Need help with those?”, Mat’s voice ripped you out of your thoughts. You’d been so lost in them that you hadn’t even noticed that everyone else had already laced up their skates and walked out onto the ice while you’d been staring at your hands for who knows how long, laces wrapped around your fingers but not doing anything. Tito and him had brought their own skates while everyone else had to rely on rentals and his were already laced up perfectly of course.

You nodded, despite full well knowing how to do it yourself but you weren’t about to stop Mat from pulling your leg into his lap so he had better access. Besides, you’d stupidly forgotten to bring gloves and you’d gladly take any chance to leave your hands stuffed inside the pockets of your jacket as you rapidly got colder.

His fingers worked quickly, tightening the laces with expertise and you watched his hand moving in awe.

If hockey ever wasn’t an option for him anymore, hand modeling definitely was. He had such nice hands, strong and big and perfect. For a quick second your thoughts drifted to what else they could be capable of, before you reeled them back in, mentally scolding yourself. It really wasn’t your fault, not thinking of him seemed impossible these days.

His eyes were mostly focused on his work but from time to time he’d lift his gaze and give you a small smile, one you happily returned despite the mess inside your head. He had just finished tying the second one when someone banged on the glass, making the both of you jump a little.

“Ayo Barzy get your filthy paws off Y/N!”, Tito yelled before zooming away again laughing loudly, leaving an awkward silence behind.

Was this just Tito being his usual little-shit-self or was he actually serious?

For a couple of seconds you couldn’t do anything but stare at Mat as he looked down onto his hands, one of them still loosely wrapped around your ankle. Carefully you pulled your leg off his lap, set both feet on the ground and got up.

It was apparently time to face reality again.

You waited until there was a break in the throngs of people circling around the rink before stepping onto the ice, muscle memory from your childhood kicking in immediately. Once you were convinced that you weren’t going to fall on your ass you did a couple of little spins until you were facing Mat again, who had followed you. He looked at you with a slack jaw and you laughed at his expression.

“You can skate?!”, he asked bewildered and you laughed again, moving so the both of you could skate beside each other at a relaxed pace.

“Obviously. Sorry to ruin your late night fantasies of teaching me how to skate but I’m a good Canadian girl and I did some figure skating when I was younger. I actually used to be pretty fast.”

That caught his attention and you smiled at the way he looked down at you with a conspiring grin.

“Oh yeah? Show me what you got then”, after a couple of seconds of contemplation he continued, “last one to reach the others owes the winner coffee.”

You looked around to find the rest of your group, spotting them on the other side messing around. Of course.

“You’re on, Barzy. I hope you’re ready to lose though”, you winked at him before racing towards your friends, leaving him and his exclamations about you being a cheater behind, now definitely not cold anymore.

-

Something in your relationship seemed to shift after that, at least whenever you were alone with him. Things were still difficult around others, especially with the way Emily kept prodding you for updates and Tito constantly disturbing the few moments you had alone with him. You weren’t sure yet if he did it on purpose or if he simply had awful timing but it wasn’t like it made a difference.

Christmas came and passed just as fast, the team leaving for a roadtrip shortly after. You’d celebrated New Year’s Eve with your friends in a club, unable to kiss the person you wanted to either way so your lips had stayed untouched as the fireworks went off at midnight and the days following.

Tito had announced that the guys would return later in the day though, already making plans in the groupchat to meet up tomorrow. While you wondered where he got all this energy from you suspected it was a way to distract himself as the trip hadn’t been successful - to put it mildly. In reality they’d ate shit, losing all of their games, some to teams that should have been an easy win.

It was hard to watch on TV but even harder to talk to the guys afterwards.

A couple of hours later you sat on the couch, a book in hand that you’d meant to read for weeks and enjoying staying in on a Friday for once. You were so lost in the story that it took you a couple of seconds to realize that someone had knocked on your door.

Who could that be?

Tito or Emily were most likely to show up unannounced at your day but you knew that Tito would be on his way to his home so he could sulk by himself and Emily was away on a ski trip with Rafael. Unwrapping yourself from your fuzzy blanket you padded towards the door, taken aback by who was waiting on the other side.

“What..”, you trailed of questionably, not even sure what you were going to say in the first place.

Mat looked so out of place in the dimly lit hallway, dressed in a suit that fit him so nicely, bag set on the ground next to him.

“Can I come in?”, was all he said and you nodded, unable to bring yourself to say anything else.

How could you even refuse him?

You didn’t move from your spot beside the door and after taking off his shoes he took a couple of steps inside your apartment, hanging up his coat before turning back around to face you.

“You’re probably wondering why I’m here but if I’m honest I can’t even tell you. I just didn’t want to be alone tonight and since you seem to constantly be on my mind either way..”, he trailed off, seemingly gathering his thoughts before continuing, “I don’t know if you watched the games or-“

“I did and you don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to”, you said softly as you interrupted him, sensing his apprehension. You decided that you weren’t about to touch his admission of thinking of you all the time with a ten-foot-pole, instead focusing on the rest of his sentence. He looked so broken and lost standing there so you couldn’t help but take the few steps it took to reach him, wrapping your arms around him in a tight hug.

You knew from personal experience with Tito that athletes tended to take losses personal and if you had to take a guess you were pretty sure that Mat was one of those guys that blamed himself for them as well.

At first he seemed surprised about your bold move – it was the most the two of you had ever touched so far – but he quickly caught himself, hugging you even tighter to his body. For a couple of seconds you stood just like that, simply basking in each other’s proximity.

It was as if your bodies were made for each other, your head resting perfectly in the crook of his neck. Despite probably just getting off a plane he smelled so good and you were trying to figure out if you could take a deep breath without raising any suspicions. Before you’d managed to make a decision however, he pulled away and you unfortunately had to untangle yourself from him.

“Feel free to stay as long as you want to”, you said to fill the silence, leaving out the part where you hoped he’d stay for the night as well. He simply nodded before asking where he could change into more comfortable clothes. While you were sad to see the suit go you directed him to your bedroom, glad to have taken those thirty minutes earlier to tidy up.

He returned in a pair of grey sweatpants and a hoodie and it took every last remaining bit of your willpower not to drool at the sight of him. Somehow he managed to look even better in sweats than he did in his custom suit, which really wasn’t fair at all.

You had to admit it was a little weird to see him in your apartment though. He’d been over a couple of times to pregame etc. but he’d never been here alone. Somehow it felt strangely intimate to have him over by himself on this Friday night. To prevent your thoughts from going to a direction they definitely shouldn’t, you asked:

“Do you want some tea? I know technically you still owe me that coffee but I’ll be generous and let you off easy this time.”

For good measure you even threw in a wink at the end and your words had the desired effect, breaking the loaded tension completely.

“You cheated! I would’ve won if you hadn’t started early”, he exclaimed but the way he was laughing showed that he was anything but butthurt about the situation.

“Mmm keep telling yourself that, it’s okay”, you kept on teasing as he followed you into your small kitchen that was definitely at maximum capacity with two people in it. You’d be lying if you said that you didn’t enjoy the closeness the tight space prompted though.

With a steaming mug of tea the both of you settled onto your couch shortly after, also small enough to keep you close together. You’d been wanting to buy a bigger one for weeks, but right now you certainly didn’t mind its size.

Masochist.

“Oh I love that one, the chimpanzees are so cute”, Mat said to your surprise as he finally realized what was playing on your tv and you looked at him in utter disbelief. You certainly hadn’t pegged him for a guy that liked to watch nature documentaries but yet here he was, constantly surprising you.

“What? Documentaries are very soothing”, he defended himself and you had to laugh at the way he looked like a little kid with his floppy hair and the cute way his eyebrows had scrunched up.

“I know. That’s why I love watching them as well.”

You hadn’t exactly pictured yourself watching documentaries with him on a Friday night, something that felt way too domestic if you were being honest, but yet here you were.

As the hour grew later both Mat and you sunk further in the cushions and while you had no recollection of how exactly it had happened, your head apparently ended up on his shoulder somehow. Your only regret was that now it wasn’t as easy to sneak glances at him from time to time without him noticing. At one point he’d even wrapped his arm around you, moving both of you into a more comfortable position before covering your bodies with the fuzzy blanket and the steady rhythm of his heartbeat lulled you to sleep before you even knew it.

The soft sound of your name woke you up sometime later, you weren’t exactly sure how much time had passed but the credits of the second documentary you’d started were already rolling and you were pretty sure you’d only caught the first half of it. In your sleep you’d cuddled up even closer, your arm wrapped around Mat’s midriff and you quickly sat up, embarrassed about turning into a koala in your sleep. Maybe you could blame it on the documentary?

“Sorry for waking you but I should probably head home. Otherwise my back is going to kill me tomorrow.” His voice was a little hoarse and it was obvious that he’d fallen asleep as well, his hair now sticking up in multiple directions. You suppressed a giggle at the disheveled sight of him, instead appreciating that he let down his guard enough for you to see him that way.

“Yeah of course. I’ll show you out.”

“Thank you for tonight. It means a lot to me”, he said quietly as he stood by the door, ready to leave.

“Anytime Mat. Get home safe.” It was the first time you’d called him by his first name, after months of first calling him Barzal then Barzy and he must have noticed as well because his smile could probably make glaciers melt at this point. You weren’t even sure why you’d given up your pathetic way of distancing yourself from him – despite the fact that it was very much obvious that it wasn’t working – but to not call him Mat would feel wrong after this evening.

“Have a good night, Y/N”, he simply said, still smiling as he leaned down to kiss you on the forehead before walking out the door, leaving you speechless.

 -

Tagging: @jamiedrysdales​ @nazdaddy​ @itrocksmysocks​ @yeeehaw-hockey​ @whitesummerx​ @teenagekook​ 

[hanadolphieron]

twice and rising signs~12/1

<im nayeon>

-scorpio (confirmed)-

nayeon’s rising is in scorpio, which lands mars and pluto in her first house. this can create a dark, even negative vibe at times, but mostly it doesn’t manifest as scary or bad, it just gives nayeon the ability to manipulate and control the way she appears to others. scorpio risings tend to be intimidating and unapproachable at times, as the energy they give off can make people feel out of control (and makes them want to fight the scorpio rising) and this can deter them mars in the first house can create an athletic build, or someone whose physical abilities are put on display/noticeable to others. nayeon’s anger is hard to conceal, especially with the influence of pluto. pluto “intensifies” wherever it falls in the chart, so public appearance, self, and reputation are a large theme in nayeon’s life.

<yoo jeongyeon>

-leo/virgo cusp (uncomfirmed)-

while jeongyeon has a scorpio-esque vibe going on, i still think she would have this rising. my guess is it would be in virgo, at a low degree, almost in leo. this would land mars and lilith in her first house, giving the powerful, mysterious vibe. virgo risings tend to have a nervous energy surrounding them, they have a confused resting face yet people still go to them for help, and can blend into the shadows sometimes. however the leo influence on a cusp could help this. she may have been pitied by her relatives as a child, adults seem to constantly be wanting to help this rising sign. mars and lilith in the first can have a unmistakable pluto/scorpio aesthetic. jeongyeon may be plagued by seeming negative or like she doesn’t want to be around the people she loves. her anger is visible in her body language, and this can cause conflict in her social life at times. her sun would be in the fourth house with this placement, which would explain her introverted personality. she also has an educated/scholary vibe! dark academia!jeongyeon anyone?

<hirai momo>

-aries (unconfirmed)-

i actually gave her a scorpio rising at first when i first made the draft for this, but apparently i must have overlooked aries because it fits her much better. an aries rising would land her sun in the eighth or ninth house, two houses that intensify and make a planet more visible and passionate. her love of performing and dancing could relate to this. with this rising, no planets would be in her first house except for saturn, which i see as being in the twelfth house for her. having no planets in a house is the exact opposite of a bad thing, which makes sense, considering momo doesn’t have much beef with her social/outward persona and her internal one. aries rising tend to have a youthful appearance and an athletic build. aries is in it’s home house in the first and gives an individual an advantage with aspects of life related to self.

<minatazoki sana>

-leo (unconfirmed)-

sana is just orange? the color i fit with leo? to me. this may seem like such a questionable reason to put her as a leo rising, but she has the facial structure, hair, and outward personality of this rising. something about leo risings is so perfect in a way, they tend to be conventionally attractive but with a wild spin, and are popular whenever they take to performing or a public career. humor is part of sana’s personality, her self expression is hilarious sometimes, and she puts value on entertaining others. i’m thinking her leo rising is a high degree, putting her moon in the first house. this would also mean her leo lilith falls in the first or second house, which is highly probable. moon in the first house gives a soft, feminine persona and a caring nature. sana just screams beauty, and leo moon in the first could be behind that.

<park jihyo>

-libra (confirmed)-

jihyo’s libra rising with moon in the first is so loud sometimes. i mean, being the leader of twice? balanced, fair, inclusive energy? protective and motherly vibes? female role model? all traits of a libra risng/moon in the first individual. while her emotions tend to play across her face, and she can be transparent at times, they are filtered down and adjusted by the natural consciousness of her libra rising. libra rising can downplay themselves a lot, or be too focused on having a perfect outer persona that they don’t let their true feelings show for fear of affecting others. this can create some turmoil for her aqua sun, as she struggles with her sense of self sometimes. however, it can seem to be the exact opposite, as her moon, the planet of inner self, is in the house of public appearance and mars is her most elevated planet. is your local fairy godmother.

<myoui mina>

-pisces (confirmed)- 

mina’s outer persona can be hard to read. she seems lost, and caught up in her head, but seems above everybody? her consciousness is high, and she can give off an air of confusion but simultaneous mystic knowledge. pisces risings are meant for the stage, or any other kind of art. their bodies move in a fluid, fantastical rhythm and they have an artistic air. however, the confused or out-of-it way of a pisces rising could be restrained by mina’s first house stellium that includes her sun, venus, and saturn. (she also has a twelfth house stellium but that’s not we’re talking about) sun and venus in the first adds even more charisma to her already passionate/performer vibe! she has a natural talent for expressions and is honest with the way she expresses herself.

<kim dahyun>

-leo (uncomfirmed)-

dahyun is a first or tenth house sun (gemini or leo rising) and i don’t take constructive criticism.i was conflicted on this one, because she acts like a first house sun sometimes read all the time but a leo rising with no planets in the first house makes sense to me. people with no planets in the first have an “effortless” vibe when it comes to their first impression on others. their energy is relaxed, and they seem to inspire confidence and give people hope with their generally positive attitude. having planets in a house can create some uncomfortable or tense energy, no matter the planet, so having no planets in a house makes everything seem pure and fresh. dahyun’s ability to be herself and act crazy looks like heavy leo influence to me.

<son chaeyoung>

-taurus (unconfirmed)-

there is now way chaeyoung doesn’t have an earth rising. like i will personally fight you. chaeyoung with a taurus rising and sun/saturn in the first house or death. chaeyoung’s energy is relaxing and fulfilling. her voice is very earthy, and she doesn’t slur her words. taurus rules the throat, which creates this aspect. her vibe can bring others back to reality, and she is adept at making safe atmospheres whenever she goes places. people may overlook her at first, all earth rising struggle with this. however you “unearth” her as you become closer, and having earth signs in fire houses can bring a new, solid perspective on life. saturn in the first individuals can have issues with their public appearance, or struggle expressing themselves. however, considering chaeyoung gets up on stage and performs for a living, she seems to have mastered this aspect pretty well.

<chou tzuyu>

-pisces (uncomfirmed)-

i debated between cancer and pisces for this one, because venus/mercury in the first house would make sense, but all the gemini suns with cancer rising have slightly different vibes. definitely a light-hearted/not scary rising though. like what i said in mina’s paragraph, pisces risings are famous in the music industry for their dreamy vibes, ex. taeyong and jaehyun from nct, mina, and huening kai from txt. they have a sweet, magical beauty and attract a lot of people. their movements are in tune with whatever song they’re listening to/have in their head and dancing is natural. tzuyu might have jupiter in her first house with this placement! this creates a bright, smiley person who is overall a shining star in terms of their appearance/general vibe. if you guys read the same kid’s books as i did, the one with the rainbow-scaled fishy is what i think of when i see a pisces rising. 

[honeyandbloodpoetry]

Abuse and Gender Expression - Gender Thoughts Part Three

Huuuuuge trigger warnings for peer abuse, emotional abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse, religious abuse, a murder attempt and mentions of self harm, suicidal ideation and an eating disorder. 18+ talk of sexual activity also included. Discretion advised!

.

I feel like the first time I realized I needed to perform high femininity to be accepted was in sixth grade. I was slotted into a rotating elective class, and the first one was a careers class. That careers class was utter hell for me. Every single day, I was tormented by an entire classroom of about twenty of my peers. I was bullied, no, abused for being fat and ugly and weird. I was called a whore, and told the only way I could ever be loved was someone raping me. Things were thrown at me, I was shoved down and tripped. I was bullied for my special interest in Transformers. I was told I was so fat and ugly I should be killed and be made into meat and cheese and fed to starving people because that was my only worth. Every single day I was told I should kill myself in varying ways. And all of that is just a quick summary. It was intense and brutal abuse for an entire semester, and I distinctly remember a day where there was a literal pool of tears on my desk. I couldn’t understand. I reached out to the teacher for help, and genuinely can’t remember exactly what he said. All I know is that he simply watched, and sometimes even joined in with “jokes” of his own. This was also the year abuse from my mother amped up, and home was a warzone--we were constantly arguing, and she became a professional at gaslighting and poking and prodding me until I exploded so I could be blamed for fighting back. My father would vacantly stand by and remind me not to fight back. This was also the year I began to self harm as a way of release. 

I remember thinking that if I looked more like the girls in my class, I wouldn’t be bullied so much. I was told I was ugly and unlovable, so I thought that if I performed more femininely, maybe I could be like those who tormented me and therefore not be a target. I thought there was something inherently wrong with the way I presented myself. I convinced my mother to take me to the store, and I bought wedge heels and gaudy jewelry I did not like to wear with my uniform--replacing my autobot necklace and sweatband. In another class I was teased for not shaving and for having ugly feet, so I learned to paint my nails, file my heels, and shave every bit of hair on my body--the echo of my father saying that since I grew pubic hair, I was now a woman and held accountable for all of my sins an echo on the cusp of my mind. I did everything in my power to be more pretty and girly. I used to be loud and rambunctious, and began to go silent and demure.

I remember walking up to the class in the new get-up that was certainly not me. I felt that I would be accepted but as I walked up...I fell flat on my ass. I couldn’t walk in the heels. They all pointed and laughed at me, and the abuse continued in even higher intensity. It was until the next semester that I fought back by throwing a desk at two of my abusers who followed me to the next rotating elective, screaming and snarling at them to leave me alone. Those two in particular stopped, but abuse from others continued for many years in many instances. I developed an eating disorder, continued self harming, and began to try and form femininity and “attractiveness” to the best of my ability. I added things like bows and kitty ears and flower crowns to my wardrobe--sure they were cute, and I did like them in a way, but it felt like putting on a costume or some sort of womanly obligation. It didn’t feel like me. Years later, I was told by someone I trusted that I was “too fat to wear pants”, which I internalized and began to only wear dresses--same thing with feeling like I was wearing a costume. I tried to be beautiful. I wanted to be butch, be myself, but I felt that if I was a cute and girly girl, demure and sweet, I wouldn’t be a target. I would be loved. 

And so I locked myself away. 

My relationship with my mother was a rocky one. She is definitely a sick and broken person, but I doubt she will ever get help. She swings between extremes, and I was always her doll and punching bag. She had a habit of pushing and pushing, finding all the littles holes in me that triggered autistic meltdowns and despair. She criticized everything about me, from my weight and height to my blaming me for how tangled my hair was. She entered me in sports and spelling bees with gentle but insisting prodding about how good I would be when I would rather be reading or playing, and when I got frustrated she would say it was my choice...when in reality I just wanted her approval. When I got older, and especially after my father killed himself, I began to fight back and question her authority though--sometimes violently. She didn’t like that, and was violent right back, and oftentimes first. I struggled my whole life with blaming myself for my outbursts and reactions, but through therapy I have learned I was a child being gaslit and abused, shown that violence was the only answer… And through therapy, I have learned to do better and grow. The worst instance of abuse was me having an autistic meltdown where I said that we should both just die and her response was to pull out a gun and point it at me--I collapsed down into our trash covered room (I was forced to share a bed with her) and pleaded with her to stop. She threatened to kill me and help me out since I was so suicidal, then turned the gun on herself and threatened to kill herself, in which I had to talk her down. When the gun was down, I fled in a flurry of tears and barely contained screams. It was truly the most horrible moment of my life, and I still struggle with the ptsd of that moment to this day. I was only fourteen.

All that background to say, my mother was extremely possessive of my body. She seemed to love to touch my breasts and butt, jerk me around, slap my butt, watch me get dressed. When I begged her to stop, she would tell me that she made that body and could do whatever she wanted to it. I found messages on her phone of her talking to guys about having sex with me and stealing my panties. She wouldn’t let me do my own hair because I couldn’t do it right. She wouldn’t let me bathe alone until I was over ten years old. I didn’t ever have my own room until I was 18 and shared it with my partner. She never let me play with my hair and kept a close eye on what I wore. This combined with my very religious Christian father, who said things like “if you know more song lyrics than bible verses when you die, you’ll go to hell” and the aforementioned accountability, along with things like letting me know he loved God more than me and always seeming to walk in while I was changing… I always felt owned by something. I never felt like my body or my identity belonged to me alone. And so it was extremely difficult to explore myself.

Sexual exploration became an outlet. I was asexual and didn’t possess sexual attraction or a desire for coital sex (still don’t), but I enjoyed kink play with my partner and playing with myself. I enjoyed porn, mostly stories. I always felt drawn to mlm porn, but never understood why. I saw myself in the big, fat men of the stories. I wished it could be me, wished I was a big hairy man like that. Wished I could be loved like that. Reading those types of erotica always got me off and made me feel relaxed and fulfilled, no matter what kink it regarded. Of course my mom would slutshame me without even knowing what I got up to, but sexual activity and pornography helped me find solace and ownership of my body. When I was aroused and taking care of myself, being taken care of, or taking care of someone else, I felt like I was finally in control of my body and my happiness. I had been sexually abused in different ways by different people throughout my life, and finding a certain safety and security in the kind of sexual activity I explored made me feel like...me. I found myself in those big men, but still didn’t make the connection that I was not cis. 

It wasn’t until many years that I began to question my gender. First nonbinary, then agender, then genderfluid, then bigender, then nonbinary again, now finally transmasc. I am autistic and struggle with a resistance to change. I have struggled with shifting my name because it feels like a betrayal to become something new. So I have become Charis instead of Charissa...but I think I may be Myles instead. Since I have struggled with abuse and feeling owned my whole life, it is scary to take my self creation into my own hands. People I am close to have expressed concern and dislike for my transition--especially my mother. I came out to her two days ago over the phone when she guessed I was transgender--or “wanted a sex change” as she put it. She outed me to her anti-lgbt boyfriend without my consent, and now they want to have a discussion. She cried and told me it was too much and she couldn’t talk yet. I am still unsure of what to do about it. I know my mother is broken, and has come far from the cruelty she was once capable of--but she still swings. I see those shattered pieces and their sharp edges and know they have the ability to cut. It is terrifying. 

Coming out, especially after so many years of abuse, has been absolutely terrifying and difficult. I am still navigating how to do it, especially with a name change. The clinic I am going to for hrt screwed up with their scheduling and had to reschedule me for later this month, a frustrating thing. I am looking forward to starting hrt, but also scared how people will treat me once those changes begin happening. Even with these fears and struggling with my interpersonal relationships...this is the greatest choice I have ever made. It is my truth and my freedom, and I will fight against that fear to become my most authentic self. I have an incredible partner by my side, and with their support and my own self love, I can do anything. 

[spkmth]

SOME BANAL KBNZ HEADCANONS.

HOW THEY MET, BECAME FRIENDS, AND FELL IN LOVE.

•   they met as children,  during a battle in the wild area ;   piers saved raihan from some camp interlopers one evening,  and raihan’s enthusiastic gratitude,  while grating,  meant that he immediately endeared himself to piers.     they never had the chance to become rivals,  as piers’ journey got cut short when he had to become marnie’s full-time caregiver ;   but he never fell out of touch with raihan,  and they texted one another at least once a week.     when raihan left for the isle of armor,  and then for university in kalos right after,  their messages passed less and less frequently ... and when raihan returned nearly a year later,  a fully-fledged dynamax master and certified dragonkeeper,  piers could scarcely recognize him.

•   the attraction was immediate,  but it took a long while for love to grow.     as a man both in the closet and in the spotlight,  raihan couldn’t deny his physical and mental attraction to piers,  but had to stuff his feelings to save face in front of his family and his adoring fans  ( and initially out of fear that piers wouldn’t feel the same ).     for his part,  piers made his intent apparent,  but not too apparent to jeopardize their long-time friendship ;   he’d had hundreds of one-night stands,  infamously never going back for encores,  but by the time he’d cajoled raihan into bed with him,  he realized that he was going to have to break his one-and-done rule.     they hooked up pretty regularly after that,  always in secret,  always in spikemuth for raihan’s peace of mind.

•   raihan admitted to having feelings first.     piers initially thought it was a joke or a slip of the tongue ;   he’d seen the way raihan looked at leon  ( spoiler: it was the same way he looked at raihan )  and figured that their hook-ups were just for fun.     but leon is untouchable,  and piers is warm and comforting and sweet beneath the tight leather and spikes and neon colors  ——  raihan reassures him that he wouldn’t want to be anywhere else,  not for all the pokégram clout in the world,  and that’s when piers realizes that  holy shit this is real.

•   yes,  they are in love.     no,  it isn’t a ruse,  a front,  or some scheme to make leon jealous.     no,  they aren’t just fucking because they’re two hot guys and people on the internet like that.

RELATIONSHIP QUIRKS.

•   yes,  raihan gets on piers’ nerves sometimes,  with his constant selfies and his exuberant,  loud personality.     piers gets on raihan’s,  too ;   his non-stop partying and continuous self-deprecation get under raihan’s skin.     but they love each other anyway  ——  no love is perfect,  and they acknowledge that they aren’t perfect people,  and they don’t expect to break the mold in this regard.

•   yes,  raihan is attracted to leon.     piers is attracted to leon too.     they have a standing agreement that if it ever came up,  leon is the only person they are allowed to have a threesome with,  or sleep with one-on-one.     but raihan likes leon on a personal level,  too,  whereas piers only sees him as  happy-go-lucky champion time guy.     indeed,  piers resents leon to some degree,  due to raihan’s fixation on him ;   its fine if raihan wants his body,  but only piers gets raihan’s heart.     piers is also genuinely suspicious of leon :   the guy’s too happy ... what has rose done to him? ( i hate when people make them a happy ot3 when piers has never been in the same room as the guy. do i think they have potential? of course. the internet exists solely for things like that. but GIVE ME CONFLICT DAMN IT. )

•   they never lie to one another.     the foundation of their relationship is  honesty.     raihan is expected to hold himself to a certain set of standards in his city and around his family,  and even on his pokégram ;   the only time he can let loose and be wild is on the pitch ... and with piers.     and of course,  for piers,  punk is about shunning social norms and truly being oneself,  and piers is the dictionary definition of a punk.     he’s genuinely never lied to raihan,  not as a child and not as a grown ass man ;   in fact,  sometimes his bluntness gets him into more trouble than a lie would.     but as a couple,  their honesty has always saved them and kept them together.

•   raihan has yet to introduce piers to his parents,  even as a friend.     they’ve seen piers on tv and have made it clear that they dislike his lifestyle.     it’s a good thing they don’t use pokégram,  or else they’d see piers’ face plastered all over raihan’s feed.     none of this bothers piers :   he won’t be introducing raihan to his parents anytime soon,  either,  because wyndon prison has strict visitation rules and piers couldn’t care less.     in fact,  the only familial validation he needs is marnie’s,  and she’s given it in spades.     marnie adores raihan,  and couldn’t imagine a better partner for her dumpster fire of a brother.

•   piers loathes the idea of marriage.     its a societal construct used to declare that a relationship is Supreme and those people are off the table,  when basic human dignity and respect should be enough for that.     unfortunately for him,  raihan is a sucker for marriage,  and has his mind set on it.     someday,  raihan.

•   raihan doesn’t like piers’ drug use,  and does his best to curb it,  but won’t ask him to stop altogether.     piers is happy living a short and explosive life,  and raihan wouldn’t change that ;   he simply keeps an eye out for him and is constantly brushing up on his cpr skills,  just in case.

•   raihan is incredibly educated,  and some would argue that he is far smarter than piers ;   as a man with full tertiary education,  as well as a certification in the most dangerous pokémon type and mastery of the dynamax phenomenon,  he could talk circles around piers if he wanted to.     but raihan knows that having an education doesn’t make one  smart ;   piers is street savvy,  much more so than raihan could hope to be,  and he knows his way around a dollar better than any professor raihan ever learned from.     and marnie is a perfectly well-educated and wonderfully socialized young lady,  mostly due to her brother’s efforts ... so anyone who makes insinuations about piers’ intelligence around raihan will always end up with a fist in their face.     for his part,  though,  piers enjoys listening to raihan prattle on about the function of a dragon’s scales,  or something else he learned in school ;   its something he’d wished he’d been able to do,  something that he hopes he gets a shot at in his next life.

•   despite being a bleeding heart who loves to spout shakespeare,  raihan struggles with physical intimacy,  sexually or otherwise.     piers is a surprisingly discerning and compassionate lover,  able to tell what his partner wants at a glance,  and completely capable of fulfilling those needs without having to be asked ;   its something that raihan envies.     he’s great at displays of affection,  and boy howdy can he explain it with words,  but he doubts he’ll ever be as intuitively gifted as piers.

•   piers has never written a song about raihan.     when asked why,  he’ll say that he simply can’t put the depth and scope of his feelings into words.     he wants to,  but every time he puts the pen to paper,  it tries to spit everything out at once,  leaving incomprehensible scribbles behind.     he doesn’t have words for the ache in his chest,  the shaking of his fingers,  the simultaneous thrill and fear of being vulnerable with someone who truly cares about him ... so he writes songs about fucking the system instead.

WHO IS BETTER THAN THE OTHER AT...

•   CARING FOR THE OTHER.     they spend equal amounts of time caring for one another ;   they’re both natural caregivers who love tending to others.     raihan is much more ready to admit when he needs to be taken care of than piers is,  as piers is used to doing everything on his own and struggles to ask for help ;   but raihan is tuned into piers’ nonverbal cues well enough that he silently steps up right when piers silently gives in.     piers,  for his part,  is happy to surrender to raihan as well ;   raihan has proven time and time again that he would never intentionally hurt him ... at least,  not without a safe word. ( the concept that piers is a uwu uke who needs to be taken care of bothers me because of his apparent willingness to relinquish control, something that canon piers has some pretty clear issues with doing. he strikes me as a man who needs to be needed,  and who enjoys being a caretaker even if he’ll never admit it. the vulnerability of letting raihan take care of him, when piers has cared for others his whole life, is what attracts me to this pairing, not a hot goth boy getting railed in the ass. it isn’t that he NEEDS to be taken care of; its that he WANTS to be taken care of, by raihan. that’s good shit. and also piers isn’t a goth. )

•   COOKING.     raihan is the better cook,  but piers makes a better cup of tea.     raihan is the whip-shit at making curry ;   its probably the one thing he’s beaten leon at.     for his part,  piers’ cups of tea are as legendary as his singing,  and he has his friends’ and family’s preferences memorized.

•   SINGING / MUSIC.     piers,  purely for his understanding of musical constructs and ability to read music.   raihan can’t read music to save his soul,  but he is great at learning by ear,  and has a wonderful grasp of pitch and tone.     piers has a wider range,  but raihan has a purer voice ;   years of chainsmoking has added a distinctive rasp to piers’ voice,  but that’s one of the things that makes him famous.     the first time the public got any inkling of their closeness was a spontaneous duet at a karaoke bar  ( and surprisingly,  they were sober ).

•   FUCKING.     piers,  no contest.     he’s talented and infamous for his exploits,  and if he hasn’t tried it,  he wants to.     raihan certainly isn’t wet behind the ears,  but sex isn’t his priority ;   he likes connecting with people on an individual level,  and then a physical level if they’re compatible.     piers has the higher libido of the two,  and this sometimes bothers raihan,  partly because he wishes he had a greater sex drive and partly because he wishes piers would stop and smell the roselia with him instead of constantly trying to get him out of his clothes.

WHO DOES WHAT MORE?

•   SMOKING / DRINKING.     piers smokes way more than raihan,  and raihan prefers hookah to cigarettes.     they’re both drinkers,  but skinny little piers can drink the dragon under the table.     however,  raihan is aces at concealing his level of drunkenness until he’s beyond the point of no return ;   piers is shit at hiding it.     drunk piers is baseline horny,  sometimes happy,  sometimes angry ;   raihan is the happy / sleepy kind of drunk.     raihan is picky and prefers mixed drinks,  and piers will drink anything that isn’t cheap beer.     raihan greatly prefers drinking at home,  as he’d seen piers get roofied at a pub once and it traumatized him.

•   STAYING UP LATE.     piers is the king of the night-noctowls.     raihan is lucky to make it to midnight.

•   CHECKING THEIR PHONE.     raihan.     always raihan.     piers’ poor rotom-phone has abandonment issues from how little it’s used.

•   TOPPING / BOTTOMING.     piers is 90% power bottom and 10% service top.     he loves getting fucked and telling his lover how he wants it,  but he’s also great at pleasing his partner no matter what they want from him,  and loves taking care of his partner and making them scream.     raihan is 70% service top, 15% power top,  and 15% genuine sub.     as nice as it is to flex his muscles and use his ungodly height to his advantage,  sometimes its nice to just be taken care of.     fortunately for raihan,  piers is great at understanding nonverbal cues,  and can easily tell what mindset raihan is in without having to ask.

[amphii-writes]

Haikyuu boys as songs on my spotify playlists P. 5, (Other characters + girls)

Warning, songs contain talk about: violence, sex and drugs.

Yuji Terushima: Pussy Talk by City Girls (feat. Doja Cat)

You know damn well that Terushima-san is a fuckboy, not saying that's immediately horrible i'm just stating facts. He might look like he gets bitches but he's for sure a virgin. He likes any song that gives  him confidence, so when he hears pussy talk he goes all out, i mean this grown ass man dances.

Suguru Daisho: Molly by Mindless Self Indulgence

Was this one self indulgent? Yeah. Daisho-san gives me punk vibes and like,,, awooga. He for sure likes songs that get him pumped up before games and Molly is exactly the song to do that. Even with his breakup from Mika he seems to be insanely persistent and probably is one of those guys who unironically says “I still see her shadows in my room.” which pains me a bit to think about.

Kiyoomi Sakusa: Devil Town by Cavetown

Sakusa-san gives me a “divorced parents” vibe, and as someone who has divorced parents I will defend this on a hill and die for it. The song itself isn’t overwhelming, so I think he likes it because it's almost a calm pain to him. And, with my head cannon that he has divorced parents, it fits even better.

Shinsuke Kita: Saturn Suv by Fredo Disco

Sweet farmer boy needs sweet sonG- wow I haven’t expressed my love for Kita-san ever on this website and that thought physically pains me tbh. He’s so sweet, so that's why I picked this bittersweet bop for him. It’s chill and almost controlling like he is, but not a bad controlling, more of a “guys-please-my-mom-is-home” controlling. 10/10 would recommend this song.

Aran Ojiro: Washing Machine Heart by Mitsuki

You might be wondering why I picked such a song for Mr. Man himself, but hear me out: He likes sad songs. Just like I've mentioned with many other soft boys before, he enjoys listening to sad songs even when he's not sad which I respect because,,, same here dude.

ON that note, I chose the washing machine heart because of how adult it sounded. Not in the sexual sense, but just in the “grown-up heartbreak” sense.

Atsumu Miya: Asshole by Hooligan Chase

This physically pained me to find on my playlist and so I deleted it immediately after finding it. ‘Tsumu-san gives me massive cishet man energy and that isn’t exactly good to think about. He reminds me of a frat boy named Jake who’s favorite thing is to fuck the holes in the wall that he punched. Doesn’t mean I hate Atsumu-san though! Actually, I find him and his brother very relatable and enjoy how they fight because me and my siblings did that kinda thing.

Osamu Miya: Lotta True Crime by Penelope Scott

Anyways, ‘Samu-san here gives me the energy that he binges true crime shows often with the team, ‘Tsumu probably calls Osamu a serial killer and gross and well,,, everything else you can fill in. The song itself is bitter and sarcastic, just like he can be and personally I find it super catchy (well, I enjoy all of Penelope's songs) and sad. The image of Osamu-san listening to true crime podcasts while getting stoned in his later years brings tears of joy to my face.

Rintaro Suna: As The World Caves In by Matt Maltese

A sad song for a boy who for sure has at least some sort of mental illness (I say that as someone who has mental illnesses). I believe that Suna-san has depression due to how burnt out he constantly is. As someone who again loves sad songs, I feel like he would just constantly have one on in his headphones. Give this man some therapy and a break.

Korai Hoshiumi: Verbatim by Mother Mother

Lil man really whipped out the energy when we first met him- he low-key scared me because I saw him and thought that he’d be quiet and sweet but oh boy was I wrong. I was also a little stuck on a song for him so I had to consult the Hoshiumi kinnies and they came up with Verbatim, which is on my playlist. Thank you, Hoshiumi kinnies, thank you. If you are a Hoshiumi kinnie, you are iconic and i appreciate you!

Takanobu Aone: Mr. Loverman by Ricky Montgomery

Wow anyways this song makes my aone kinnie go brr. Like completely brr. Aone-san gives me a soft indie, hot cup of tea, sweaters, knitting, and baking vibes. You may see him as a scary giant but I see him as a very big polar bear who needs a hug! He probably relates to the song because of how everyone views him as the Iron Wall and not a person, just the longing to feel loved and appreciated by someone is the main reason he’d relate so much. I would also bake brownies with Aone-san any day.

Kenji Futakuchi: Hayloft by Mother Mother

Our edgy king here for sure is a bastard. He’s cocky, funny, and sly with his rude comments causing me to think of an intense song for him. Hayloft is also an absolute banger of a song, so it wouldn’t surprise me if he had it be Date Tech’s theme song for the time being. I think that he’d also go to mother mother concerts and just be so confused, like if he went to an american mother mother concert he’d be looking at everyone there and just “woah” you also can’t tell me he wouldn’t want an alt S.O.

Kanji Koganegawa: Pretty Rave Girl by S3RL

Wow, me and Koganegawa-san here seem to have the exact same taste in music! When I hear pretty rave girls I go ape. I mean I shake my hands in front of my face because of the happy simulation! It’s such a cute song and the crunch is sooo perfect. I can see Koganegawa being into hyperpop and hardcore music like sewerslvt and SugarCrash! Like tendou-san and lev-san. He for sure sings the song when he gets up in the morning and blasts it in his car! The cute wholesome love song makes his heart go brr, and mine does too!

Ittetsu Takaeda: Breezeblocks by Alt-J

Man would listen to this and go full English teacher like the nerd he is, but then again I don't blame him because I honestly do too! This song was an old hyper-fixation of mine and so when I think of Takaeda, I think of Breezeblocks. All the literary devices and how the song itself is formed to create the perfect horrifying story of murder and cleaning up the crime scene all while talking about their lover is bone-chilling and I think Takaeda-san understands how messed up the song is but just really enjoys the cover that the love aspect almost is. Like when I first listened to Breezeblocks I thought it was a song about a lover leaving the singer, not the singer killing someone(possibly his lover) and covering it up all while thinking about his S.O. dark but great song, 10/10 childhood would be ruined again.

Keishin Ukai: Scotty Doesn’t Know by Lustra

Ah yes, Ukai here is punk and we all know it; and as someone who sees Ukai and gets many mixed feelings, I say we talk about highschool ukai. He mentioned that he didn’t get good grades when he was younger. Keishin-san reminds me of someone who got high instead of doing schoolwork, which like same but bro c’mon you gotta balance the zoot. Keishin-san also reminds me of a crust punk in the sense of how he acts: he’s super cool and if you're wrong he isn’t afraid to tell you you're wrong. He also gives me the vibes that he’d call out TERF’s on the streets and save girls from being harassed/assaulted. An absolute king if I say so myself.

Saeko Tanaka: Girls In Bikinis by Poppy

Ah yes, a bicon in her full beauty! Saeko for sure would be one hell of a partier and she for sure has had some drunken kisses with cute girls. And, we have to remember she is a tanaka, ryunosuke is literally her brother. Of course, simp runs in their veins, and god, what I would do for her to just give me a thumbs up or any positive affirmation. Oh and she for sure kicks TERF’s in the shins with Ukai-san. Someone get her a monster and a crown because she’s the queen :)

Akiteru Tsukishima: Boys Will Be Bugs by Cavetown

As Akiteru-san here has struggled with self esteem before and not wanting to let people down, I saw BWBB and instantly understood why it stands out to me so much when I think about him. The song itself is about giving into harmful stereotypes because that's how the world and people see you. Boys are often seen as people who aren’t allowed to have feelings due to toxic masculinity and I think that the reason he lied to his brother could’ve been influenced by that.

Kiyoko Shimizu: Sweet Hibiscus Tea by Penelope Scott

Sweet hibiscus tea is one hell of a song for people who don’t feel like enough, and that's exactly how Kiyoko-san feels. I can see her for sure feeling like an outsider to her own life. So many people look up to her and she doesn’t know why, her low self-esteem is something that I've come to understand after watching Haikyuu. Give her some tanaka and she’ll be fine.

Hitoka Yachi: Oblivion by Grimes

Our favorite ball of anxiety for sure is scared about walking home, she has a great reason to be anyways! What’s scarier than being kidnapped? Nothing tbh, shits horrifying (I say as someone who was indeed almost kidnapped). Yachi always thinks that the worst will happen and prepares for it, but then again I can’t blame her.

[in-dire-need]

OK, I’M SICK- Badflower

OK, I’M SICK was released in 2019 as upcoming band Badflower’s first full-length album. Every single track on the album has gotten its due share of the spotlight as the album climbed the billboard charts. A band that was once the underdog of the rock scene became a renowned name almost overnight. Frontman Josh Katz ties personal experiences into emotional stories to create the perfect blend of heart wrenching and riveting.

Opening track “x ANA x” serves as the perfect introduction to the chaotic world of Badflower. Its extremely powerful, vulgar, and aggravated sound welcomes all the chaos that is to come. Frontman Josh Katz had spoken out about his growing issues on tour before the creation of this album: he would have panic attacks every night on stage and could hardly stand to look at himself when off stage. His anxiety grew to such a high level that he was prescribed Xanax to calm down. “x ANA x” is written as a love letter to the prescription drug, which Katz had now developed a dependency for. He tells ‘Ana’ that even though she saves him from his demons, he can’t breathe with her around. He craves the feeling of being himself again, but he craves her more. He explains the awful life he lives without her, then the instrumentals slow down as an auditory example of the effect Xanax has on a person. He begs her not to let him lose control over himself, so he keeps her around as he destroys himself.

"The Jester” waited almost an entire year after its initial release to bask in its well-earned fame, when a well-deserved music video and an acoustic adaptation were released. Josh expresses that he feels like a source of comedic entertainment for others, as if he is only there as a jester. Everyone is just fucking him over, letting him run in circles for their own amusement. 

The next track is an extremely emotional one and if you deal with sensitivity toward subjects involving depression and/or suicide, I suggest you skip past this paragraph. “Ghost” was first released as a single before being added to the set of the album. Badflower’s raw performance on The Late Night Show With James Corden is what attracted so many initial listeners to them. The lyrics depict the narrative of someone who has attempted suicide by self-harm multiple times, but has never succeeded. He thinks about how he is a constant let-down to his friends and a disappointment to his family. He wants to give in and try again, but he is worried that he will fail once more and that his pain will continue. At the same time, he wants someone to save him from this endless loop of self-destruction that he has caught himself in. He finally makes up his mind and attempts to kill himself once more. As the blood leaves his body and his vision goes dark he regrets not telling his family that he loves them and not leaving a letter. He admits that the thought of regretting what he did is so fucked up and, at the very end of the song, his last attempt succeeds in taking his life out of his hands. In another interview, Josh disclosed that the true inspiration behind the gut-wrenching, graphic track was fortunately not from a personal experience. He explained that during tour his mental health had severely deteriorated, as mentioned in “x ANA x,” and he was considering harming himself. Instead, he wrote “Ghost” to keep him from making that mistake for himself. Not only did this intent work for him, but possibly millions of people in the same situation. “Ghost” appears as a gruesome depiction of humanity’s lowest point, but actually serves as a beacon of hope for the many that are unfortunate enough to be living that reality.

Now that that emotional hashing is through, let’s progress through the rest of the album. The next wave of songs depicts individual stories of different people in extremely different situations. “We’re In Love” presents the conflict of a man struggling with his sexual identity as he begins having a sexual relationship with another man. He has never been with a man before and struggles with accepting who he is. “Promise Me” is a sweet-sounding track that expresses putting your all into a relationship just for it to be torn away from you as you and your partner grow older. This song was inspired by Katz’s fear of growing old and losing his loved ones.  At the end of the trifecta, “Daddy” tells the story of a girl who was sexually abused by her alcoholic father from a very young age. The trauma permanently scars her, so when her father is hospitalized at an old age she smothers him to death as payment for all the years he stole from her.

“24″ returns the focus back to Katz’s own personal experiences in a sedated and calmed intermission. He reminisces about when he was younger and had a life ahead of him. He had hopes, dreams, and passion. In the present, he struggles with depression, anxiety, and drug addiction. This calls back to the continuing theme of Katz feeling worthless, as he states that his friends should let him die because he is too afraid to be alive. The next track was featured as a single, on the band’s EP Temper, and on OK, I’M SICK. Whereas “x ANA x” compared a drug to a person, “Heroin” does just the opposite. The song was originally released in 2014, five years before its release on the album. It is tied with “Ghost” for what is the band’s most emotionally raw performance. Josh knows that the girl he is with is wrong for him and is toxic, but he finds himself addicted to her. She treats him horribly, but he constantly finds himself going back to her. He knows that in the long-term he will escape his addiction to her, but cannot find it in himself at the time. It has become somewhat of an anthem for people that have been trapped in toxic or abusive relationships and has inspired many to stand up when found in that situation.

The calm atmosphere created by the last two tracks is destroyed as the hardcore, violent, and extremely offensive song written about people that are so afraid of change that they bring an entire nation down. Though many think that “Die” is directly aimed at Donald J. Trump, Katz has stated that it is not. Many of the lyrics point toward that conclusion, since many of the people that the song is truly aimed at are grouped in with Trump supporters. Keeping with the violent political scene, “Murder Games” solidifies Katz’s vehement stance on veganism and the consumption of meat. “Girlfriend” serves as yet another action-packed, graphic, and vulgar piece of insight into the real world. To put it simply, a man goes onto an online dating service to find love and becomes obsessed with an attractive woman’s profiles to the point where he imagines cutting her open and tasting her blood.

“Wide Eyes” continues the stories of people in horrible situations, telling the story of an altar boy who was sexually abused by the priests in his Church. He hid what happened to him from his loved ones in fear of being named a liar and being alienated from the Church. During the breakdown, he finally gives in and comes out about how the priests treated him. He accepts that he has become the shame of the Church and has been twisted into the bad guy. The album ends in the exact opposite place to where it started. “Cry” is a soft ballad about emotional pain that utilizes the use of metaphors and imagery to describe the action without actually using the word ‘cry’. 

OK, I’M SICK has not only brought the band to an amazing place, but has brought Josh Katz to a better mental state. Thousands of fans worldwide have been affected by the words contained in this masterpiece, and have even been given the will to keep going. That being said, it is very clear that there are two continuing themes throughout the album: Josh’s personal struggles and the struggles of other people in these horrible situations. This album covers an extremely broad scale, ranging from suicide to internet stalking to sexual abuse. This not only raises awareness to these issues that plague the world, but serve as a message to all people personally dealing with them. By telling the stories of these people, Badflower has given real-world survivors a safe space to open up about their struggles and the memories that follow them. This atmosphere is what brings listeners to cherish this band because Badflower is more than just a band and OK, I’M SICK is more than just an album. Badflower is a home. A haven. Somewhere that, despite all the world’s troubles and grievances and sickness, you can feel safe. When most bands tell a story, that’s all it is. A story. By connecting to this vulnerable and powerless side of humanity, OK, I’M SICK crosses the line from story to message. It is a message telling you to keep going and to cherish the good that you have. It is a message telling you that the situation you are in now is under your control and that things will get better. Nothing is permanent, and that is both a good thing and a bad thing. So relax. Go enjoy yourself.

“Okay, I’m sick! Not the kind of sick that lands you in the doctor, Not the kind that makes you weak and then heals you stronger, It's the kind of sick that turns your legs into spaghetti. It’s the kind of sick that makes your blood burn and your bones heavy. The kind of sick that makes an atheist pray for Jesus. The kind of sickness that turns your power into weakness. And I'm sick of being sick for this whole fucking place to witness. And I'm living a sick life that most people call privileged. And they're kinda right, but I’m still sicker than I can cope with.”

[timetoresurface]

Like serendipity? (3)

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Fresh out of college, your life is finally going to blossom into something more meaningful than college day drinking and late-night study sessions. Or so you thought. Unlikely events result in you having a big ass crush on your next-door neighbour. Maybe, you weren’t as grown-up as you thought you were.

Y/N x BAEKHYUN

Life after college AU (if that’s a thing)

I’ve finished something, and it's making me feel exceptionally proud of myself. I'm still learning how to end things properly, and how to write the more daring parts (kissing and touching and you know what I mean, I won't draw you a picture) as I just semi self-taught myself to write dialogues, I will also learn how to correctly write smut. Next thing on my to-do list, I promise. 

first part / second part

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Sixth act: and now we’re not making sense anymore.

“So, how was the walk back with Baekhyun?” Chanyeol asked you during lunchtime. You both decided to leave the office for an hour to reflect, and have a quick meal at your favourite fast-food restaurant.

“It was weird.” You confessed, and he flashed you a look of sympathy. You avoided his stare and simply waited in line.

“Taeyong and Baekhyun have a long history.” He finally said, you just shrugged your shoulders. “But he barely paid any attention to her last night.” He continued, while you ordered your food.

“That’s not how I saw it; he barely talked to any of us.” You said while paying your quick lunch.

“He tried, but she was constantly demanding his attention. She never had to work that hard to get his focus. She used to be his entire world, but lately, it has come crashing down.” He tried to explain.

“What happened between the two of them?” You asked Chanyeol when he ordered and paid for his food. He sends you another sympathetic look before answering.

“I’m not sure I’m allowed to tell you.” He finally confessed, but you weren’t going to let it go.

“I need to know. He kissed me last night, and I’m not ready to be someone’s rebound.” You confessed softly, still not having processed last night yourself. After the long kiss you shared, he left you to go to his apartment. You hadn’t seen him ever since, and for the first time this week, you were glad.

“He did what?” Chanyeol practically shouted through the restaurant, making people look over at what the two of you were doing. You tried to ignore his dramatic behaviour by taking both your orders and walking outside.

“Yes, he did. Right after he told me that she was his ex-girlfriend.” You told Chanyeol while putting some extra fries on your burger, something you learned from a romantic movie you forgot the name of.

“Look, I don’t feel like I’m the person to tell you what happened between the two of them, but I can assure you Baekhyun is over her.” Chanyeol didn’t eat any of his food, while you were stuffing your face. 

“That’s not how it looked last night.” You said with a mouthful of burger and fries. Maybe if you worked on your eating manners, people would like you more.

“He left her to go home with you and kiss you under the starry night.” He reasoned with you, but you weren’t having any of it. You knew Baekhyun was out of your league, and you still fell into this trap of thinking it could work. You have never been fortunate in love, so why did you think this time would be any different. As long as you had Chanyeol and Soya, you were happy enough.

“It was in our shared hallway, but sure under the starry night.” You said before taking a big bite out of your burger that was almost finished. 

“You’re going to get mad at what I’m going to tell you.” Chanyeol started. You motioned for him to continue, but he was still hesitant.

“I promise I won’t get mad. At least not forever, maybe just for an hour or a day, it depends.” You reassured him, and this provided him with enough fuel to start his story.

“Remember your hangover outfit?” He asked you, and you simply nodded not liking where this was going. “I have a picture of it, that you know, but I did show it to my friends the next day. Everyone fell in love with your quirkiness, and we started talking about you, like how I should bang you as your gorgeous and whatever. I told them that would be weird, as I feel like your more my mother than anything else.” He looked over at you trying to measure your angriness, but to his surprise, he was met with a very calm you who simply agreed with his words.

“Baekhyun was there, and for some reason, he asked the most about you. I might say he looked smitten, and as his best friend, I loved seeing him smile again after the Taeyong trauma.” He fiddled nervously with his hands, avoiding your eyes.

“Where are you going with this?” You finally asked him after a minute of silence. He looked up into your eyes, and all you saw was an honest guy with a good heart. You could never be mad at him, even if you wanted to be in this moment.

“The reason I talked about my friends so much, and the reason I invited you over was because of him. I hoped you would get him out of his funk, you know. Befriend him or something more.”

“Did you tell him where I lived?” Panic kicked in when a weird scenario popped in your head. Did Chanyeol really go that far?

“No, that’s a coincidence I had nothing to do with. I was equally surprised as you were.” He quickly assured you, and your shoulders lost the tension you didn’t know you were holding. Controlling your body was something you were not very good at.

“But I think Baekhyun recognized you. Otherwise, he wouldn’t have talked to you. He’s a timid boy behind his extravert behaviour, but I think you already know that.” He finally started eating his cold food, signalling his story was at its end, but yours wasn’t.

“I’m not so sure anymore. I thought I got to know him, but it feels like a lie. Like it wasn’t as coincidental as I first thought it was.”

“You don’t live in a romantic movie, Y/N. This is real life, and sometimes real-life needs a little push.” Something in you told you that he was getting frustrated at you. You needed a good girl talk with Soya, as Chanyeol didn’t know you as well as she did. She knew about your stupid heartbreak, and she also knew how you were wired. She even almost always knew what to say to make you feel better.

“Let’s get back to work; we’ve been here too long already.” You told him while getting up and cleaning up your table. Chanyeol nodded and started walking back to your office building with you. There was nothing left to say as you needed some time to process all that had been said.

Y/N: you want to come over tonight?

Soya: I’ll be there at seven

Y/N: bring some wine

Soya: of course

You smiled down at your phone. Soya has always been a good friend, and sometimes you think she deserves a better best friend than you. But still, she did kind of chose you to her adopted family, and you were not going to complain.

You tiptoed inside of your apartment building, scared to run into Baekhyun. You weren’t ready to face him yet. You still needed Soya to make some sense of your confusing thoughts. Once you were inside the safety of your place, you heard a door open in the hallway. You stayed quiet at your closed door, taking a look through your peephole. Baekhyun was pacing in front of your door, as if unsure of what his next move should be. He looked so nervous and innocent; you felt terrible for him. He quickly shook his head and went back inside his apartment. Weird, but you tried not to read too much into it. He probably just wanted to apologize about last night, how he made a mistake and whatever you were not ready to hear.

You cleaned your face, living room and kitchen while waiting for Soya to arrive. She’s kind of neat freak, so you wanted her to be comfortable at your place. You were just finishing off cleaning your bathroom mirror when your doorbell rang. With a final glance at your reflection, you made your way over to the door, ready to let Soya in, but the sight before you surprised you. Soya was not the one standing in front of your door; it was Baekhyun with dark bags under his eyes as if he hadn’t slept in the past 24 hours.

“Hi!” You awkwardly greeted him after a couple of minutes of silence. If you looked closer, you could see the perfected mask of pretence crumbling down and raw emotions taking over. He didn’t look as carefree as he had looked the past week. He wasn’t his vibrant self today; he looked a little lost and insecure. It made you think you had only seen a fraction of what Baekhyun was, and he was showing you another side to him. It would be a lie if you said it didn’t intrigue you. 

There's that static again, that crackling in the air that's always happened whenever the two of you got within a foot of each other. It was enough to make the little baby hairs on the back of your neck stand up, but now it was enough that you're a little afraid for your life, like, if his hand brushes yours, one or both of you will be instantly electrocuted.

He didn’t say anything; he simply looked into your eyes without a single care of the outside world. Some people passed the hallway and flashed a puzzled look at the two of you, but he didn’t seem to notice the struggle going on in your head.

“Uh…” you started.

“I like you.” He blurted out at the same time as you started to speak, which made him blush.

“Uh…” you repeated yourself, unsure of what to do with this information. Your heart skipped a beat, but your head made sure not to believe a single word he said. You couldn’t find your voice. You felt your cheeks flushed hot, and your stomach was heavy. Your heart pounded in your throat, threatening to break out. His eyes wandered around your apartment, avoiding your gaze. Yours stayed locked on him. How many love songs had you heard that said, “He takes my breath away”? Now that line made a lot of sense. 

“I know you probably don’t feel the same way, but I wanted to tell you. I can’t keep befriending you, knowing that would be all there is. I’d like to kiss you again like yesterday. I’d like to kiss you every day if you’d let me.” His hands found their way to you; he cupped your face almost lovingly. You really wanted to believe him; he seemed so sincere.

“We barely know each other.” You bluntly stated, not knowing how to deal with your feelings. He looked defeated, his hands dropped down to his sides, and you immediately missed the warmth of his skin on yours. Your words were blunt, but your actions were sweet, as you took his hands into yours. Your fingers softly caressed the back of his hand soothingly, in a supportive manner.

“I had a plan for last night.” He stated softly, looking intently at your intertwined hands.

“So you told me, but you never told me your plan exactly.” You moved your head a little so you could look into his eyes. 

“I wanted to charm you with a drink I made, especially for you, as I know you like to try something new. I know you like people ordering a drink for you, so you can understand how they see you. I wanted to give you a drink that tasted as sweet as you. I planned to walk you back home, slightly buzzed from the drinks, talking about everything and nothing while under the night sky.” He explained his plan to you, and it somehow made sense. He did look a little bit more dressed up yesterday, and it had been interested in your drink. 

“You did make me a drink, and you did walk me home.” You comforted him with a shy smile on your face. Your words gave him the confidence he had lost when you had opened the door. 

“I also wanted to kiss you the moment you entered the bar yesterday. You looked so incredibly gorgeous; I had to fight Sehun to sit next to you.” His eyes showed you hunger you hadn’t noticed before, not just lust but a longing for you. He saw you weren’t going to say anything, so he continued while taking a step closer to you, almost closing the gap between the two of you. You didn’t step back, but let him get closer to you.

“I know we had only met last week, but I feel this tug at my heart toward you. You’re all I think about. I feel like a teenager again with a stupid crush on the girl next to me in chemistry.” He tried to convince you of his honesty, and you were slowly crumbling to his words.

“You don’t have to tell me you like me too. I know I'm straightforward, but would you say yes if I asked you out on a date?” He intertwines your other hands while asking the final question. The question he had been dying to ask you for over a week. You could only nod your head, as you were mesmerized by his presence and his words. No one has ever confessed their feelings to you. No one has ever made you feel as unique as Baekhyun had at this moment. 

You move your head closer to him. He stays frozen, from fear and excitement. You lean in, so your forehead rest against his. You close your eyes. “Thank you.” You whisper.

“For what?” He replied, his voice low and husky.

“For being so unapologetically you.” Your voice wavers because of the tension of the moment. Unexpectedly, his hand drifted to your hip. It settled there and pulled you closer. You inhaled sharply. You were against his warm chest, chiselled to perfection. Must he be so perfect? His breathing quickened as did yours. He began nuzzling your neck with delicate kisses. So faint, they were almost whispers. His head was angled slightly to the side as his lips came closer and closer to yours. You were surprised to find your lips parted. Your breaths mingled. Your heart fluttered inside your chest, knowing what was to come. You honestly never knew a kiss so innocent could be so intimate and electrifying. 

“Do you have any plans this Friday?” He asked you in between kisses.

“I might have.” You giggled while he sucked at your neck again, he liked to tease you. “If you had paid attention last night you would have known we were going to have dinner at Kyungsoo’s.” You silently teased him, and guilt was written all over his face.

“I still need to explain last night.” He pouted, and for the first time, you pinched his cheeks. He was just too adorable.

“You don’t have to if you don’t want to.” You told him with your hand still on his cheek. His head leaned into your touch, and your heart fluttered at the cuteness. 

“But I want to.” He silently confessed before you were interrupted by Soya leaving the elevator.

“Oh, I-…” she started saying before turning back to the elevator that was already closed again. You heard silently curse under her breath, and you started laughing.

“Hi, Soya!” Baekhyun awkwardly said while running his hand through his hair, secretly watching your reaction.

“Oh, hi Baekhyun, didn’t expect to see you here.” She replied to his greeting. It was honestly a funny thing to see the two of them so awkward.

“He lives next to me; you remember, right?” You asked her, and she simply nodded her head.

“I’ll see you tomorrow?” Baekhyun secretly tried to reschedule your date.

“Sounds perfect.” You told him while leading Soya into your apartment. He gifted you a smile that reached his eyes, radiating happiness. You couldn’t help but smile back before closing your door.

“Bye Y/N.” He said through your closed door, and you silently laughed at his behaviour. Once you turned around, you met your best friend’s eyes, who demanded an explanation. 

“Chanyeol told me you were confused today, and now I see you in a very compromising position with Baekhyun. We’ve left you alone for like an hour.” 

“Are you talking to Chanyeol?” You asked her in shock. Your work best friend hadn’t mentioned he spoke with Soya outside of the bar. Were they texting or calling each other, huge difference.

“Yes, we exchanged numbers last night.” She confessed, avoiding your eyes.

“He didn’t tell me.” You whispered under your breath, but you couldn’t be mad, he had already explained enough to you.

“We’re all focused on you and your dramatic love life.”

“Dramatic love life? Nothing ever happens to me.” You told her, entering the kitchen to pour a glass of the wine Soya had brought. Maybe you both should stop drinking to avoid all of life’s riddles you didn’t really want to solve. 

“Tell me what happened.” She asked you while you handed her a glass of white wine. You seated yourself on your counter like Baekhyun had done last time, and you told her the complete story from A to Z. How you secretly liked Baekhyun, she knew of course. How jealous you were when that Taeyong girl entered the bar, she knew. How he had kissed you and left you alone to deal with your feelings as if nothing had happened, she didn’t know that one. You told her about your conversation with Chanyeol about the picture and his little set-up that she knew, and you scolded her for not telling you sooner.

“So, today, he finally confessed?” She asked you, hopefully.

“Confessed is such a big word. He just told me he liked me, that’s all.” You tried to play it cool but failed miserably as a big smile grew on your face.

“Oh, you like him, don’t you?” And you really couldn’t hide it. Oh boy, did you hope Baekhyun couldn’t hear your entire conversation. Did you hope Baekhyun wasn’t going to break your little heart now you had confessed your feelings to yourself.

“It’s weird, isn’t it?” You asked her seriously.

“No, when you know, you know.” She reassured you.

“Tell me about Chanyeol.” You demanded, an eye for an eye, that’s how friendships work, right?

“He’s very charming.” Was all she said, and you waited impatiently for her to go on. “He makes me forget about Taehyung, and for now that’s enough.” She hesitantly continued, nervously playing with her hands.

“That’s more than enough for now.” You comforted her with a big hug, almost spilling your wine. The evening continued with the both of you talking about boys, wine and life in general. You happily danced with Soya in your living room until the early hours of the morning, maybe you did have a bit too much to drink, but you didn’t care. At that moment she was all you needed to forget about your still unsure feelings for Baekhyun, and stress for your date tomorrow.

Seventh act: you could get used to this.

The next morning you weren’t so happy that you had danced all night. Your headache couldn’t be ignored, your dry mouth had a bad taste, and you forgot Soya had stayed over, leaving no space to stretch in your bed.

“Wake up.” You told her, pulling the blanket away from her. She barely moved, so you just left her to go and take a shower. Once you returned, she had gotten up and made you some breakfast. 

“I know you don’t do breakfast, but I do, so I made you some too.” She told you once you entered the kitchen, looking fresher than you felt. She had made you an egg and some toast, and you almost immediately dug in.

“Thank you.” You finally said with your mouth filled with toast. 

“No problem, thank you for letting me stay over.” She returned before she left to take a shower. You both got dressed in your clothes, she had worn sweatpants yesterday, and both left your apartment to go to work. You were starting to feel better after your coffee from your favourite bakery. You had also bought something sweet for Chanyeol, to thank him for his advice, patience and him being kind to Soya.

“Why?” He asked you suspiciously of your kind act as if you never gave him any of your food.

“Just because.” You simply stated before leaving to your desk to do some work you didn’t want to do. You could barely focus on your work, your headache had gotten worse, and painkillers weren’t helping you. You were wallowing in your self-pity when your phone vibrated, signalling you had a message.

Baekhyun: I got your number from Chanyeol, is that okay?

You: Yes, of course, what’s up?

Baekhyun: I just wanted to ask if we’re still up for tonight?

You: What do you want to do?

Baekhyun: Surprise?

You: Is there a dress code?

Baekhyun: You can wear whatever you feel like wearing.

You: Noted, ready at 6?

Baekhyun: Perfect.

Your day passed rather slowly, as you wanted to go home and get ready for your first official date with Baekhyun. What were you going to wear? Where were you going? All these questions filled your head until it was almost four, and you could finally leave. You sprinted home, not wanting to waste any time when you still had so much to prepare. Would shaving your legs be too hopeful? Maybe you should, better to be prepared than to be hairy. 

After hopping in and out of the shower to shave the necessary parts, you put on your foundation and did your eyebrows. He might have already said he liked you, but you still wanted to impress him. If you wished to do, you could put in the effort, and he was worth the trouble of shaving your body and sculpting your face with a dark powder.

Once your make-up was done, there was only one thing left to do, finding clothes. You didn’t know what you were going to do, and that made choosing your outfit rather tricky. No heels because if he wanted to go out for a walk that could become troublesome. No jeans because that could easily be too casual for a lot of things. So you decided to wear a simple mid-length green skirt with white flowers, paired with a simple white t-shirt tucked into your skirt. You added some white sneakers and a tiny yellow purse, and you were good to go. 

You were casually scrolling through your phone while seated in your couch when a loud knock was heard. That must be Baekhyun, you thought, and you hurriedly made you way over to your front door, stopping in front of the mirror one last time to check your look. You opened the door after taking a long breath to calm your nerves. 

Baekhyun is always handsome; it doesn’t really matter what he wears; he is angelic mixed with something sexy. Today was no different; he wore ripped blue jeans that matched with a white t-shirt tucked in his pants. He topped it off with a loose flannel hanging over his broad shoulders, and you liked the fact that you matched each other. Baekhyun seemed just as stunned when he saw you, as you were with him. It took him a moment to gather his thoughts to form a coherent sentence.

“You look absolutely breathtaking tonight.” He confessed with the biggest of blushes marking his face. 

“You look rather dashing tonight too.” You told him before giving him a small peck on his blushing cheek.

“Are you ready?” 

“I’m ready for an adventure with you.” You told him with a big smile, flashing your teeth. He offered you his arm and guided you toward the destination only he knew about.

“Where are you taking me?” You asked when you both entered his car. You didn’t even know he had a car; he must make a lot more money than you if he could afford a car.

“You’ll see.” And he didn’t falter for the rest of the ride when you tried to get more information out of him. You didn’t notice the car stopping until Baekhyun loosened his seat belt, and you quickly undid yours too. Your eyes scanned the outside of the vehicle, but you couldn’t make any sense of it. He had parked in the middle of the city, in a random street with little to no bars or restaurants.

“Don’t look so disappointed yet.” He told you when he held your door open. You quickly wiped the confusion of your face and replaced with a genuine smile.

“Not disappointed, just confused.” You explained yourself. Baekhyun grabbed your hand and led you toward an ordinary-looking house. It did look a bit old and sketchy, but if you were still enough, you could hear the beat of a pop song playing. Where was he taking you? 

He stopped in the middle of the alleyway to knock on a big black door. A small, hipster-looking lady, opened the door.

“I would ask for a password, but I know you know.” The girl happily stated before hugging Baekhyun. He never let go of your hand, and it strangely comforted you. 

“Thanks.” He told her, and the two of you walked in. You still had no idea where he was taking you. You entered through a sketchy looking alleyway, and now you were speed walking through endless corridors. He finally halted before a red curtain, and slowly opened it for you to enter first. 

The first thing you noticed was a man upon a stage singing with a guitar in his hand, playing a catchy melody you had never heard before. When you both entered the room, he ended his song, and luckily for him, some people clapped their hands politely. You also noticed some people giving him a standing ovation, and they must be his family or some of his friends who felt like family. The room was crowded with people from various backgrounds, which made it all the more alluring to you. Is this their place to forget about their lives for a while? And if so, what were they escaping from? 

“Do you like it?” He whispered into your ear, sending shivers down your spine. You looked into his eyes before nodding your head with the biggest smile on your face. He simply chuckled, relieved you liked the place he took you to. 

“This is where I de-stress.” He told you after you both sat down at a table close to the stage. “Whenever I don’t feel good about something, I come here and listen to these people singing their hearts out.” He explained, almost shouting in your hear to be overheard over the new band who started playing. They might be a bit too much at the moment. You wanted to hear Baekhyun’s voice and feel his breath on your skin without being interrupted by a noisy band.

“I like it, Baekhyun. Thank you for inviting me to this place that means a lot to you. I feel special.” You said in his ear, and you could see his eyes wrinkle because of the beautiful smile he was displaying. He turned his head towards yours, and you hoped he would kiss you, but he didn’t.

“You don’t know how special you are, Y/N, especially to me.” His tone had gotten a bit more serious, as to make sure you would believe him. You didn’t know what to say, so you just blushed like you do best. He kissed your cheek before announcing he would go to the bar to get some drinks.

Why was he so intoxicating? Why did all love songs suddenly make sense? He took your breath away, and your heart literately skips a beat when he does something remotely cute. How were you going to survive this date when he was continually knocking all air out of your lungs with just his smile?

A drink was put in front of you, but it wasn’t by Baekhyun, it was the lady who let you inside. She simply smiled and told you to pay attention to the stage, which you thought was strange as no one was performing at the moment. She left you alone in your confusion, something people loved to do when you didn’t want to be left alone. Where the hell was Baekhyun? You didn’t spot him over at the bar, and you immediately thought of the worst. He must have left. He probably thought you were boring. He had a little bit of a chase and decided that was enough.

A voice you recognized coughed on stage, right before you wanted to grab your things and leave. To describe his appearance would be to miss the point totally. He was as handsome as ever, and he didn't give a damn what the others thought of the way he looked.

“Someone once told me everyone needs a little bit of adventure from time to time, and it doesn’t have to be skydiving or anything too wild. For some people, it could be ordering something they would usually never order, for others, it could be singing on a stage in front of a room filled with strangers.” He saw the shock register on your face before you could hide it. A small smile played on his lips; I guess he gets that a lot. The audience tried to whisper, not willing to disturb the new guy on stage. They were all intrigued by his good looks, by merely his presence; he almost got the room to be quiet. It wasn't what he said though; his words were like vanilla pudding, sweet in their ordinary sort of way; it was the richness of his tones – luxurious and warm.

“This is a little cover of a song that has been stuck in my head for over a week now. Enjoy.” He ended his monologue before seating himself at the piano, creating an aura of mystery. His fingers you had admired from the start, began their play on the piano, and you were hooked. His hands gracefully moved, creating a beautiful melody you recognized. He started singing a song you remembered hearing on the radio all the while his eyes made contact with yours. Searching for some confirmation, that you gladly gave him in the form of an encouraging smile.

Oh to be young and in love in New York City. To not know who I am but still know that I’m good as long as you’re here with me. To be drunk and in love in New York City. Midnight into morning coffee, burning the hours talking.

Damn, I like me better when I’m with you, I like me better when I’m with you. I knew from the first time; I’d stay for a long time because I like me better when I’m with you.

It felt like he sang this song just for you, these words were only meant to be heard by you, meant just for you. Once he ended his performance, everyone in the room got up and applauded him, but he didn’t seem to care. He kept his eyes on you while you softly applauded him. Like in the movies, he immediately ran off the stage into your arms. You hugged him and whispered words of encouragement in his ears. “You did so well, Baekhyun. I’m extremely proud of you.”

“Thank you.” He whispered into your ear. His eyes were gazing into yours like he was looking far beyond the hair and makeup. You stand and stare back at his eyes that glimmered like the stars in the sky, forgetting you were in public with all attention on you. Gentle but passionate, he presses his lips onto yours. The world around you slowed so that you could be in this moment. Your heart flutters, and you kiss him back, cherishing the moment and Baekhyun. His lips are soft and warm. He puts his hand on the back of your head, pulling you closer to him. You pull back and smile. 

“Now, that’s what I call a performance.” The girl from earlier said while giving Baekhyun a beer. “That was extremely good. If you ever want to sing again, don’t hesitate.” She reminded Baekhyun before leaving us with our blushing cheeks and rapidly beating hearts.

“Did you like it?” He asked you after a comfortable moment of silence where you both took small sips from your drinks.

“I loved it; I really think you should sing here again. Was this your first time?” You asked him suspiciously; he was way too good for a first-timer.

“Yes, I wanted to share this with you.” He confessed. “It’s something that I’ve always wanted to do, but your words brought me over the edge. I just had to do this so that you would be proud.” His confidence and adrenaline slowly disappeared to make room for his shyness you had come to know and love. People talk about "mixed feelings" like it's an exception, but for Baekhyun it's the norm. He’s scared to try and scared not to; it all depends on if everything is going according to his plan.

“You most definitely succeeded. I’m speechless.” You complimented him again, now with your hand over his.

“I also feel that I have to explain some stuff, from the other night.” He began, but you quickly interrupted. “Baekhyun, you really don’t have to tell me if you’re uncomfortable.” Your eyes briefly met, still awkward and shy around each other. There was still so much for him to know about you and for him to explain, but tonight was not the time to dig deeper into each other's lives.

“I want tonight to just be about us, now.” You told him emphasizing the last word. 

“So I’ll still see you after tonight?” He asked you flirtatiously.

“We’re neighbours.” You shrugged, deliberately ignoring his flirting.

“Yes, but outside of that.” He tried again with a little wink. You almost faltered. “It depends.” You say.

“I’ll have to make it the best night of your life, just to be sure.”

“That eager to see me again?” You asked him, giddy with excitement for the rest of the night.

“It’s like I can’t get enough of you.” His warm, raspy voice whispered slowly into your ear, sending nerves dancing up your spine. His smile sent your mind into an uncontrolled, captivated spiral and his light touch lingered.

Most of the night went by with some innocent flirting that got your tumultuous thudding heart in overdrive. Somewhere along with the third drink, you got a bit touchy with each other, quickly paying your bill and leaving the public space before any accidents could happen. You made out on your way home and played a little game where you had to kiss every time you passed a brown door. You never noticed it, but there are a lot of brown doors in the city, and it felt like you had been walking home for hours.

Remembering you both forgot Baekhyun’s car at the bar, you decided to celebrate early Alzheimer's with a small bottle of vodka that you bought in a night shop close by home.

“I haven’t done this in over a year.” You happily exclaimed when Baekhyun carefully opened the bottle like it was made out of pure gold.

“Shouldn’t we mix it with something?” He asked after sniffing the bottle, and visibly cringing.

“No, that’s how the losers drink vodka.” You told him before taking a sip of the bottle. You forgot how intense the liquor was, and asked Baekhyun to buy you something to mix the vodka with. You weren’t twenty years old anymore; maybe you should stop trying to be. 

“My loser wanted a sprite, so she gets a sprite.” Baekhyun laughed while he handed you your drink. You pouted when you mixed the sprite with vodka, but Baekhyun was quick to change that pout into a smile. He had taken a photo of you and was showing you off to every passerby, stating he was dating the most beautiful girl. 

“Baekhyun, please stop.” You laughed at him. You gave him the mixed drink, and he finally took a sip of it.

“I’ve never liked strong liquor, but for you, I will try.”

“We don’t have to finish it, you know. That’s the beauty in night drinking. YOLO is what the younger people call it.”

“You’re definitely the beauty in night drinking.”

“Baekhyun, stop being so…” you began, but because of the alcohol, your vocabulary had decreased to only one word: Baekhyun.

“So what? Infatuated? Because I am.” He confessed while grabbing your waist, making you come closer to his. He peppered you with kisses, ignoring passersby.

“I might be too.” You sighed into him, and there was a sudden change noticeable in the air after your confessions. You had both admitted it tonight, and a realization hit you when you noticed the hunger in Baekhyun’s eyes. His hands travelled over your body to your face, where he softly stroked your lips.

“This might be my favourite look, smudged make-up and swollen lips.” He told you, his voice low and husky. 

“My favourite look is you stretching and showing off your abs.” You boldly told him, surprising yourself and Baekhyun with your straightforwardness. 

“Let’s go home.” You softly hummed, and he took it as his cue to take your hand, guiding you toward your apartment building, never stopping the brown door game, as it was too much fun to stop. 

It was almost three in the morning when you both stumbled out of the elevator while aggressively making out. His hands had gotten under your shirt, and your hands were roughly in his hair. It was a mess, but it was a fun mess. You drew your tongue over his teeth and swallowed his groan of pleasure as you slid closer to each other, no visible gap between the two of you. 

You quickly detached yourself so you could look for your keys, and by your surprise you immediately found them. Opening the door was another difficult task, but Baekhyun quickly took over, helping you open the door. Once inside, the two of you closed the gap once again, not wanting to waste a minute or even a second.

With a laugh, he lifts you right off your feet, carrying you toward the bed, letting you fall with a soft bounce on the mattress. You lock eyes for just a moment, just enough for you to feel safe with one another. 

Then he's all business, undoing your skirt, pulling them off, kissing from your toes upward, slowly, his hands on your legs, always just a little higher than the kisses. You feel your back arch in anticipation, knowing where his fingers will soon reach. Your head rocks back against the pillow as he does, the first moan escaping your lips.

It isn't the first time for either of you, but you’re both so nervous you'd never know it. There's something about him that lights you up from the inside, there's something about you that melts his confidence to nothing at all.

Then before you know how it happened, you are naked, and your skin is moving softly together. You feel his hand enter from below moving fast, your tongues entwined in a kiss, and then he's inside, changing your breathing with every thrust, hearing your moans timed to his body. 

Then all at once he stops and kisses from your breasts to your stomach, his hands light; then he's licking and using his fingers all at once, watching your reaction, feeling how your legs move, watching your body writhe. He tells you he's going to make you beg for it and you just let out a moan, unable to articulate a response. 

It didn’t take you long before you came completely undone under his touch, screaming his name and moaning in ecstasy. Once you were finished, you helped him by stroking his member softly, and teasingly whispering words of encouragement in his ear. It didn’t take him long after you topped it all off by kissing his neck and biting his ear.

You both fell asleep while holding each other tight. His arms were perfectly draped around you like a blanket while you snuggled like a baby into his chest. His perfectly sculpted chest you couldn’t get enough off, but you could really get used to sharing a bed with Baekhyun, your cute new neighbour.

— Finished

[recipeforme]

C10: My Self-Worth's Fragile Like An Egg

Book: A Good Kid

I groaned when I woke up, remembering what happened yesterday. How could I break down like that? Now that they knew I was vulnerable they were going to stop being so nice. I just know it! My only hope was to act like nothing had happened.

I threw on some clothes, slapped on my eye shadow and headed down stairs for some food. I slipped into the kitchen to see Thomas making himself coffee when he saw me he gave me a huge grin.

“Good morning Virgil!” He greeted “how are you?”

I shrugged and opened the cabinet to find some cereal “why are you acting so weird?” Thomas was a pretty cheerful guy but he could be really…. Touchy in the morning when he hadn’t had his coffee yet.

“I’m not acting weird!” He said, still smiling. I gave him a look before moving to the table with my cereal. “Anyways,” Thomas said, grabbing his coffee and sitting down across from me “I wanted to talk to you about last night.”

“There’s nothing to talk about.”

“Really?” Thomas turned serious “because you burst into tears last night.”

“I’m fine” I muttered, I could tell Thomas was hesitating to tell me something. “Look, whatever it is just tell me.”

The man took a deep breath “okay well, I signed you up for therapy last night.”

My head shot up “what?!”

He winced “look, I think it would be good for you to talk to someone.”

“No way man! I don’t need some shrink trying to pick my brain apart.”

“Well.” Thomas gave me a look “you’re going.”

I stood up, breakfast abandoned “well, you can’t make me!” My heart rate increased at the thought of seeing a therapist, even more so than denying my guardian.

Thomas looked up at me calmly “actually I can. And I’m sorry if you don’t want to but you’re going. It’s already been paid for. It’s one session, if it doesn’t work then you don’t have to go back. But you do have to go to this session.”

“Fine.”

“Great!” Thomas said “we leave in an hour.” I just huffed and back stormed upstairs.

------

I glared at Thomas from my place on the couch in the therapist’s office, the man rubbed his eyes and sighed. I won’t go into detail but it was a struggle to get me here.

“Look. I know that you don’t want to be here but will you please give it a chance?” He asked, practically begging at this point. I just glared at him silently with my arms crossed. “Fine,” He sighed “well, I’m going to go. I’ll be back in a hour.”

Thomas left and I glared at the wall, in any other situation I would make a run for it but I had a feeling that Thomas was going to sit in the waiting room just to make sure I didn’t. I sighed and looked around the office, which was decorated with toys and posters of Disney and Cartoon characters. Great, he was a children’s therapist. Not only was I going to have my brain picked, I was also going to be downgraded like I was a five year old.

I jumped when a voice said “it’s the moment you've been waiting for!”

My head snapped towards the door as I could see someone’s arm and…. Were they singing a theme song? I didn’t recognize it but it sounded like a theme song. Finishing his ‘intro’ the man walked over and plopped down in his chair. The man had dark(ish) pink hair and glasses. He wore a light blue sweater vest with a long sleeved, pastel, collard, yellow shirt with a light pink tie.

“Hello,” he said, “do you how do?”

“What?”

“Ah well my name is Dr. Picani, and you are?”

“....Virgil… but shouldn’t you know? Cause of paperwork and all that?”

“Yes, but it helps a patient feel more comfortable when they introduce themselves.” I groaned, great it’s been five seconds and he’s already trying to shrink me. “Is everything alright?”

“No.” I declare “I’m not doing this.”

“I’m sorry?”

“Look man, no offence to you or whatever but I didn’t choose to come here. The only reason I am is that Thomas thinks that just because I had a little breakdown last night I’m all of the sudden ‘mentaly unstable’ or whatever.” I said, using air quotes around the words ‘mentaly unstable.’

“Well, alright.” Dr. Picani said “if that’s how you feel. But if you don’t mind me asking. Who’s Thomas?”

I sighed, already annoyed “Thomas is my foster dad.”

“Oh, so you're a foster kid?”

“Yeah,” I raised an eyebrow “you got a problem with that?”

“Not at all. Now before we start I should ask if you have ever been to therapy before?”

I sighed again “let me guess, you are not going to just let me sit here until this is over.”

“No, I’m afraid not.” Dr Picani smiled at me.

“Fine, I’ll answer your questions if you answer one of mine.”

“Of course!” He said “go right ahead.”

“If I share stuff with you are you going to tell Thomas what I said?” I figured that I might as well get this over with. Especially if the guy wasn’t going to leave me be. But if he was going to tell Thomas what I say… then I would much rather keep quiet.

“No, not without your consent.” He said “but if you are hurting yourself or others then I will but if you aren’t then everything said here will be kept private.”

“Fine, I’ve only been to therapy once. About a year ago when my dad went to jail.”

“Really? And how was that?”

“Which one? The therapy or the dad thing?” I asked.

“Therapy” He clarified.

“It sucked.” I said “she didn’t do anything besides tell me that I’m a screw up, which I already knew.”

Picani frowned and wrote something down. “Now, why was your dad arrested?”

I let out a dark chuckle “let’s see… child abuse, neglatance of a child, edangerment of a child… I think there’s a few more in there that I don’t know about.”

“I see… now you don’t have to answer this but I’m guessing you were the one he was abusing?”

I shrugged and looked down “mostly me yeah I mean, I get why.” I pulled the hood of my jacket up and said, “I deserved it.”

“Now hold on, why do you think that?”

“Cause I’m a no good, useless, rotten screw up who will never find love and everyone hates.”

“Hmmm you remind me of Zuko from Avatar: The Last Airbender.”

His words broke me out of my spiralling thoughts and I looked up at him “who and what now?”

“Prince Zuko from the show Avatar: The Last Airbender.”

“What’s that?” I asked.

“It is a show about a world that is divided into four nations. The Water Tribe, the Earth Kingdom, the Fire Nation and the Air Nomads. Each of them are represented by an element for which the nation is named.” Picani explained. “Benders have the ability to control and manipulate the element from their nation.”

“Only the Avatar can master of all four elements. The Fire Nation wants to conquer the world but the only bender who has enough power to defeat them, the Avatar, has disappeared. Later in the show two siblings, Katara and Sokka, find the Avatar who is a young airbender named Aang. Aang must now master all four elements in order to stop the war and bring peace to the world.”

“I see… and who’s this Zuko guy?”

“Zuko is one of the main antagonists for a good portion of the show. His sole mission, right from episode one, being to capture Avatar for the sake of the Fire Nation.” The therapist chuckled “and he is always grumpy.”

“Wow, I’m feeling so good about myself at this comparison right now” I said sarcastically.

“Just hang on a Momo, over the episodes, it becomes clear that Zuko is after the Avatar for more than just the sake of the Fire Nation.” He explains “there are moments where Zuko withholds information from and even sabotages the efforts of other members of the Fire Nation. All so he can be the one to hand the Avatar over to his father, Fire Lord Ozai, and regain his honor.”

“Regain his honor?”

“Yeah he ‘lost it’ after speaking out of turn in a meeting. Stating that sacrificing a whole Fire Nation troop as a simple distraction in a battle plan was not a good idea. What an offence, amiright?” He said with a touch of sarcasm “his father punished him by facing him off in combat, burning and permanently scaring his face, and banishing him from the kingdom until he could return home with the Avatar.”

“That uh… sounds like a bad dad.”

“That sounds like an understatement.”

“I’ve never seen the show man, give me a break.” I muttered, my hood falling off. “Look, I don’t understand why you're comparing me to this guy. I mean, yeah my dad hurt me but he never left any scars.”

“While that may be true one thing Zuko struggled with is wanting to make his father proud.” Dr Picani said.

I glared at him “and you think I’m the same. No effing way man, I couldn’t care less about what he thinks!”

“Okay, okay. I apologize, I didn’t mean to offend you.” He said “so you don’t care too much for your father. But what about the rest of your family?”

I sighed “well there was also my mom and older brother. Mom…. died several years ago, I don’t like to talk about it, and Janus…. It's complicated.”

“Complicated how?”

“When we were young Janus and I were pretty close but after mom died and dad started drinking and stuff he started bullying me at school. Dad loved it.” I said the last part under my breath but I knew the doctor heard me say it.

“Well if that’s the case then you’re much more like Zuko than I thought!”

I looked up at him “What? How?”

“Like you Zuko had a sibling who tended to bully him. His younger sister, Azula, she was constantly being praised by their father for her talents while Zuko was pushed aside.” Dr Picani said “tell me, how did your mother treat you?”

“Um… it’s been a while since.. You know.. But she was amazing.” I let a small smile fall unto my lips “sometimes it feels like she was the only one who actually cared about me. And now, no one does.”

“Well, I’m sure that is not true. After all, your foster father brought you here. Don’t you think that’s a sign that he cares for you?”

I hesitated, a month ago I would have said no. That Thomas was just trying to make himself look good by taking in some helpless foster kid. But… I have had foster parents who were like that, even if they were trying to make themselves look good they would still give me up around the three week to one month mark. “I don’t know.” I admitted, looking down in shame and a little bit of panic. If Thomas wasn’t using me for some kind of personal gain, then why did he take me in?

“Now, I know that you said you don’t care about what your father thinks.” Dr Picani said “but do you think that you still judge yourself based on what he thinks of you?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, you mentioned earlier that you thought yourself to be a screw up. Is that something that your father ever said to you?”

As I thought it over I realized it was true and I nodded “among other things.”

Dr Picani wrote something down and began to talk about this Zuko character again “one of the main issues Zuko had trouble with was that he believed his father that he was the only one that could give Zuko his honor back.” He said

“And that gave him a lot of problems with his self worth. But if he had realized sooner that worth didn’t stem on what his father thought of him. If only he learned to trust the words of his mother who he lost when he was a child or the words of his loving uncle, who was always there for him. Then maybe it would have saved him a lot of internal struggle.”

“Did he ever get better?” I asked. Despite not wanting to come, here this man compared me to a fictional character that was in a similar situation to me… helped.

“Yes. He did.” Picani said “but he didn’t get there alone, it was through the efforts of his uncle that he was truly able to start a new path for himself.”

“But I don’t have anyone like that.” I said.

“What about your foster dad, Thomas? From what it sounds like he’s truly trying to help you in whatever way he can.”

“I don’t know… It’s… hard to trust people. Especially adults” I explained.

“Well, is there anyone else you can think of that you can go too?” Picani asked.

“Well, I mean, there’s my foster brother, Patton.” I said “I don’t really trust him a whole lot yet… but I guess I can try.”

“That’s great! Finding people you can rely on is always a good thing.”

-----

After the session finished I walked out to the waiting room where Thomas was sitting on his phone. When he entered he looked up and stood as I walked over to him.

“How was it?” He asked.

“It was nice…” I looked down “thanks.”

I didn’t need to look at him to tell that Thomas was smiling “you’re welcome.” He hesitated “if you want I can sign you up for another session.”

I paused, an hour ago I would have said no… but Thomas was right. It had been nice to talk to someone. Even if he were a little strange.

I looked at Thomas. “Okay.”

[buckybarnesbingo]

As part of our Discord party, we took song recs!  Here are some excellent, Bucky-flavored tunes!

My Body Is a Cage - Arcade Fire  (@blurockets)

Control - Halsey  (@writing-mermaid)

Summer Rain - Belinda Carlisle  (@fightingforcreativity)

This song just screams Bucky's story before the whole hydra thing to me. he was happy, struggling with life but happy with his friend/love had plenty fun and survived. Then he is send out and he's still saying he'll be back but he doesn’t want to go. and he never came back in the end. Because the person coming back after is not Bucky from before anymore.

Behind Blue Eyes - The Who  (@polizwrites)

Take Me Home - Ryan Dolan  (LiquidLightz)

We Three (My Echo My Shadow And Me) - The Inkspots  (@blurockets)

An Oldie that you could go into thoughts of identity and how there are sort of three facets to Bucky. The Echo prewar and maybe during war, my shadow ws and Me and it's also just pretty.

In Chains - Shaman's Harvest  (@menatiera​)

Whole Again - Granian  (@27dragons)

This song is about recovering from trauma (and the pressure that well-meaning friends can put on you to recover faster without really helping, or maybe that's just my interpretation).

More under the cut!

In Case You Don't Live Forever - Ben Platt  (@aoifelaufeyson​)

The Becoming - Nine Inch Nails  (@blurockets)

It's part of the Downward Spiral and that whole Nine Inch Nails is a concept album following a guy that falls into a spiral of drugs and things that culminate into a breakdown and well death

Stand By You - Rachel Platten  (@writing-mermaid)

Losing Your Memory - Ryan Star  (@rebelmeg)

The whole song has strong post-Cap2 vibes.  But there’s one particular part that talks about Montauk in the winter, that makes me think of freshly un-Hydra’d Bucky visiting one of the beaches in NY that he remembers being at with Steve when they were kids, struggling to catch more wisps of memory while he stands there on the shore.

New York - Snow Patrol  (LiquidLightz)

Stucky feels... Bucky thinking of Steve

Older - Ben Platt  (@aoifelaufeyson​)

We'll Meet Again - Vera Lynn (@rebelmeg)

Another one with Bucky remembering, haunted by a song he knows he’s heard before, and all kinds of faces and voices in his mind that he can’t quite place.

I Am Machine - Three Days Grace  (@pherryt)

Kill Our Way To Heaven - Michl  (@tisfan)

Nightmare - Set It Off  (@menatiera​)

This another Bucky & Winter, just the angsty version where Bucky is terrified of his "monster" self and would very much like to run away from it but can't

Demons - Imagine Dragons  (LiquidLightz)

Through The Long Night - Billy Joel  (@polizwrites)

This has major Stucky feels for me

Lost n Paradise - Evanescence  (@lbibliophile-mcu​)

I Know Places - Taylor Swift  (@writing-mermaid)

Clearly it's about people trying to runaway from people that are chasing them. I started to write a story inspired by that song

Bad Guy - Billie Eilish  (@aoifelaufeyson​)

Hey You - Pink Floyd  (@blurockets)

Imagine like a weird hallucinatory sequence that ends with Bucky being thrown into cryo

Bee Gees - Stayin' Alive  (@phoenixgryphon)

well you can tell by the way I use my walk i'm a hydra man no time to talk

Breathe Me In - Jared and the Mill  (@pherryt)

Wish You Were Here - Pink Floyd  (@polizwrites)

Pink Floyd song that gives me Bucky/Stucky feels

Cat People - David Bowie  (@phoenixgryphon)

See these tears so blue / An ageless heart that can never mend / These tears can never dry / A judgment made can never bend / See these eyes so red / Red like jungle burning bright / Those who feel me near / Pull the blinds and change their minds

In the Mood - Glenn Miller  (@phoenixgryphon​)

The Sun Will Rise - Kelly Clarkson  (@writing-mermaid)

She's my favorite singer and I wrote a story based on that song, I think this is a pretty optimist song that shows that even if something bad happened, the next day can be brighter and the light will chase the darkness.

Talk Dirty To Me - Jason Derulo ft. 2 Chainz  (@aoifelaufeyson​)

Coming Back to You  -  Jennifer Warnes via Leonard Cohen  (@polizwrites)

My first Stucky fic (Another Mile of Silence) was based on this song

Slip - Elliot Moss  (@blurockets)

The Unforgiven - Blakwall  (@psychiccatpanda​)

Bucky Nat where they are so close to something good but because of the nature of their wonky memories it doesn't quite happen.

A Monster Like Me - Mørland & Debrah Scarlett  (@writing-mermaid)

Another song that inspired me for a story. It's about someone that made horrible things when he was younger, telling his love one to go away because he's a monster.

Coney Island - Antje Duvekot  (LiquidLightz)

preWar Bucky, Stucky feels

Dancing Queen - Abba  (@phoenixgryphon​)

Sleeping Sickness - City and Colour  (@blurockets)

Post WS Stucky Especially with that movies theme of things breaking down.

I've become / A simple souvenir of someone's kill / And like the sea / I'm constantly changing from calm to ill / Madness fills my heart and soul as if the great divide could swallow me whole / oh how I'm breaking down

Song of Bernadette - Leonard Cohen, cover by Jennifer Warnes  (@polizwrites) 

a WinterIron song for me — tho I ended up using a line from it for a   Tony/Bruce fic.

Sugar, Sugar - The Archies  (@phoenixgryphon​)

Believer - Imagine Dragons  (LiquidLightz)

recovering WS Bucky

Dark Side - Kelly Clarkson  (@writing-mermaid)

When We Were Young - Adele  (LiquidLightz)

Bucky recovering , Stucky feels

Next To Me - Imagine Dragons  (@writing-mermaid)

Nightmare - Set It Off  (@menatiera​)

This another Bucky & Winter, just the angsty version where Bucky is terrified of his "monster" self and would very much like to run away from it but can't

The Phoenix - Fall Out Boy  (LiquidLightz)

angry anti-Hydra WS Bucky

Animal - The Cab  (LiquidLightz)

sexy WS

Dyin' Ain't So Bad - Bonnie and Clyde (Original Broadway Cast Recording)  (@book-dragon-13)

Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy - The Andrews Sisters  (@rebelmeg)

This one just screams Bucky!  Especially the part about the Cap going out and grabbing him a band!

Behind Blue Eyes - L'Orchestra Cinematique  (@menatiera)

Firework - Katy Perry  (@phoenixgryphon)

Ghost Story - Charming Disaster  (@blurockets)

stucky imagine an iw war au where after the snap everyone snapped is a dimension off only the slightest bit so it feels like people in a shares space are haunting each other

Lone Digger - Caravan Palace  (@ibelieveinturtles)

Shadow on the Wall - Mike Oldfield  (@fightingforcreativity​)

for over 70 years Bucky has been nothing but a weapon, a toy, a shadow of himself. something like that leaves traces and that sometimes you don't feel like much of anything anymore. So when he starts to remember, starts to have flashes of what he did and he has this one person standing up for him, tearing the world apart for him, he tethers himself to them like their shadow on the wall. Building his own prison, the prison which follows the person helping him whoever that is

A Bad Dream - Keane  (@menatiera​)

Secret - Heart  (@fightingforcreativity​)

this is a winteriron or pre war stucky song for me. Because Bucky no matter which pairing I look at in that situation feels like they can't be out. stucky: because of the homophobia back then 

WinterIron: because they're supposed to be enemies sort of and Tony and Steve are standing at two different sides of the line, the line to which end Bucky had sworn to follow steve

Deliverance - The Mission U.K.  (@ibelieveinturtles​)

Most of what I have for Bucky is specific to fics I'm writing but I think this is a good one too

Red - Nightcore male version, original from Beth Crowley  (@menatiera​)

this is my post-WS angry Bucky to-go song

All Along The Watchtower, Bear McCreary (Battlestar Galactica version)  (@ibelieveinturtles​)

this one is from a dragon!Bucky fic I'm determined to finish one day...

Bring Me To Life - Evanescence  (@psychiccatpanda​ and @lbibliophile-mcu​)

Holding Out For A Hero - Bonnie Tyler  (@ibelieveinturtles​)

Hollow - Icon For Hire  (@fightingforcreativity​)

This is kinda self-explanatory considering that the song is about mental health

Not alone - RED  (@menatiera​)

this is kind of the song I often base my Bucky & Winter relationship to each other, how they worked through hell to keep each other alive and how they relied on each other. Mostly this is Bucky reassuring Winter and keeping him, well, human, by being there for him in his head.

Whisper - Evanescence  @lbibliophile-mcu

Memories - Within Temptation  (@fightingforcreativity​)

A song about memories, keeping ghosts alive and yet not really

On Every Street - Dire Straits  (@dreaminglypeach​)

More Steve looking for Bucky post WS, but still. 

 three cord symphony crashes into space / the moon is hanging upside down / don’t know why it is I’m still on the case / it’s a ravenous town / you still refuse to be traced / seems to me such a waste / and every victory has a taste that’s bittersweet / and it’s your face I’m looking for on every street

Chlorine - Twenty One Pilots  (@aoifelaufeyson​)

It’s My Life - Bon Jovi  (LiquidLightz)

[jlf23tumble]

Agree so much with your post about the teams and fan engagement ! And love the way you articulated all of that. Although now I definitely am interested in knowing what your notes about the specificity of each team/artist cause I feel like they'd be fascinating to read. Hope you'll post them some day, and thank you for sharing your thoughts with us ! 😊

Awwww, that’s very kind! It’s definitely head canon city, I litcherally have ZERO clue what goes on behind the scenes (and I can’t stress this enough, none of us do), so this’ll look hilariously dated when we find out that blah woof was true all along, lmao (me @ myself, thinking of some random Grimshaw interviews from last fall, oh, bless). Let’s dig in!!

For those of you who just stumbled upon this post, it’s related to the one I made last night about how I think the management teams of all these men (mid-20s means = you’re a man, not a boy) are not, in fact, sabotaging them. They negotiate a lot of tricky interconnected arrangements that none of us are privy, to, plus they’re at least trying to achieve the goals their clients are going for. And they’re doing it—the trick is these goals are highly individual and not 100% sensical (at least given our own view from the afternoon, Arctic Monkeys ref, holllllllah!!!).

In addition, these goals constantly shift, as does the music industry itself—I drive my own self loony when I lurk on blogs that are seemingly broadcasting from 2012, confused by why xx’s team is so “terrible” because they aren’t throwing good money after bad to get on a radio playlist, or why they haven’t announced yy “properly,” as if they’re being paid to worry about this level of shit (which fires me up on about five levels, deep breaths in, deep breaths out). I’m much nosier about the signals we’re getting when we hear them talk in their beautifully media-trained way about their musical interests, when we get some of that sweet, sweet fan service with a Gallagher or a Capaldi, when we get that heads up about who’s attending what concert, stuff like that. These signals don’t necessarily indicate future collaborations, but they DO indicate what kind of image these guys want to have, the kind of music they want the public to associate them with.

Anyway, I’m getting ahead of myself…their personalities and goals at the moment are all so vastly different, and I truly do love seeing how their teams are workin’ it accordingly. Again, please @ god, don’t @ me…opinions, massively unpopular opinions, dead ahead!

* Zayn. My read on Zayn is that he enjoys the creative process, loves writing and singing, digs collabing with people, but he doesn’t seem to give two shits about the biz side (and why should he? that’s called living the dream at this particular point in his career). His website recently added “tour,” which EYEBALL EYEBALL, but he doesn’t seem to be all that interested in putting himself back out on stage or into radio/print/etc. anytime soon, and again, why should he? His numbers are HUGE without pushing himself through the anxiety-provoking churn he endured for four years, so there’s no real drive for him to do any promo if he doesn’t want to (see: the netflix-like binge dump of Icarus Falls, which could be “sabotage,” or it could just be, “fineeeeeeee, here’s some stuff for you, enjoy”). What other artist gifts his fans with gorgeous covers of such a wide variety of songs that indicate he’s more interested in sharing them than selling them. Accordingly, his fan interactions seem fairly pure and not all that promo-y: he has a keen interest in fanart, he’s done some fan pop-ups/listening parties that are pretty low-key and *seemingly* fan-focused, and recently (with zero anything to really promote), he’s been posing for cute pics and chatting with randos on the streets of NYC. I recently read that his mgmt team is no longer with him, but that sort of folds into my feeling that he’s not pursuing anything biz-wise, hence no need to jump through those particular hoops (I think he’s also struggled with a lot of demons, so yeah, why add one more). Could he be adrift? Maybe, but the next guy is the posterman for lack of focus….

* Liam. Honestly, I worry about Liam most of all. His post-1D career seems very much adrift, and I like to joke that he’s giving me that tell-all about the D one sentence at a time, but goddamn, are people listening? The struggles with alcohol, the lack of focus on every level, the reliance on his dad’s career advice (which more clearly reflects his dad’s financial class, background, and history than it does Liam’s), and the overall confusion about look, sound, and direction also flow back directly into his team. I get the feeling that they aren’t sure what to do because LIAM isn’t sure what to do or what he wants, so they follow in his wake. He’s agreeable to a fault, so seeing him at a meet-and-greet at an HMV in Birmingham last week felt like a step back into 2010 for no real reason, just like hearing that he was more or less coerced into full nude photoshoots for an underwear ad (the decisions to say yes to both of those—who’s steering this ship? If it’s Liam, he needs to tell the team his overall goal, so they can plot a course he and his fans can follow; if it’s the team, ditto). Like Niall, Liam’s actually pretty good at the SM game: lots of selfies, snapchat filters, outfits, gym service, twitter interactions. But generally speaking, his promo is confusing, and that’s probably because there isn’t much *to* promote at this point, other than a mix of collabs, clothing endorsements, spon con, horse farms, and an album that’s always on the horizon. This might be tied to the general post-1D jolt they all went through, like a plane coming off autopilot and into the hands of someone who’s just learning how to fly it. Zayn debuted at number one, so his bump wasn’t as harsh, but the others are slowly, steadily finding their footing after taking some time to find themselves and their sound, releasing songs/albums, performing (or in Louis’s case, going through unspeakable tragedy). Liam’s still adrift…and somewhat admittedly, which is kind of telling in its own way. Just know that my nervousness on his behalf ratchets up every time he feels the urge to assure us all that he’s happy.

* Niall. Truly the one following the original 1D template, right down to working with most of the same people but with more of the overall control in his hands instead of a faceless management squad. Of any of them, he seems the most ambitious, the most scientific about the sound he’s after and how he’s gonna get there. His promo is a mix of new and traditional—radio shows, talk shows, podcasts, special events, twitter interactions with fans, twitter interactions with entertaining celebrities—and it’s all hustle hustle hustle, build build build, as if he were a new ingenue instead of coming up hard on solo album number two. He’s explicit in his goals, which is refreshing, but it means he walks a weird line with fans: on one hand, he’s done with their bullshit, get ready to get rekt if you start commenting on his boring food seasoning or home décor. But on the other hand, he fully recognizes how much he needs them, which is why we get so many peeks into his “normal” life (yet zero percent of his actual personal life). It’s also probably why the blatant tweets of the last two days seem so jarring to me (I might be alone on this one, but I’m not a fan of directives in general, and asking me to call radio stations on behalf of a rich white man to become even richer just rubs me the wrong way, same with asking me to stream stuff to get you to number one…you’ve been there, buddy, how about you calm down and build some character at number 51). And speaking of calming down, it does fascinate me that both Niall and Louis namecheck Taylor Swift as someone who gets the whole fandom push/pull thing right, so watching them try to reverse-engineer her secrets is fun. Louis nails it (that hotspot treasure hunt: chef’s kiss), but Niall’s heavy-handed easter egg dump in NTMY, she would never!! I think Niall’s team needs to watch “Calm Down” about five more times before they try that again.

* Louis. I think Louis honestly has an AMAZING team in place, and they’re all clearly on his side, which makes for a refreshing change. Like Niall, he has publicly praised Taylor Swift for how she engages with her fans, but I think he’s missing a key point: she doesn’t let her fans dictate strategy, and I HOPE that’s the case for Louis, too. His old team *was* shit, so yeah, encouraging people to do fan projects to get the word out was a good idea, but turning that spigot off to let a good (paid) team step in and take over has been, uh, challenging. He’s dealt with more than his fair share of personal tragedy, but every time he gets some momentum going, it feels like something bts pushes him back off track, and he tends to keep it private, which only makes his hardest-core fans scream “sabotage.” Rightly so, he’s focusing on his personal life, and rightly so, his team is giving him the space to do that, even when it costs cash money and throws a lot of shit seriously for a loop. It makes my heart soar to see the potential of what his team can do/is doing, how much space he’s being allowed to process what he needs to process. Weirdly, that’s an unpopular opinion, and a lot of people want to indulge in an angst wank fest where Louis’s the victim of a terrible team that won’t DO anything (nevermind the fact that he’s probably ASKED them not to do anything), so they undertake a tremendous amount of performative unpaid labor that ends up being counterproductive on just about every front. Even worse, most of them can’t seem to process the fact that losing your mum is a blow, losing your SISTER is a blow, juggling other siblings or close friends handling some serious demons of their own in the aftermath of all of *that* is a blow, let alone handling your own personal coping mechanisms, nope, they want Louis to release release release, perform perform perform, c’mon, what’s holding him back, he *said* he wanted to release an album this year, there’s “no reason” for a delay, gotta be his shitty team, free him. It drives me ‘round the bend because it’s the same talk from late last year, you know, when we later found out that at least one family member was losing a fight with drug addiction. Louis’s fan engagement/promo is therefore hella fraught: he has to balance LouisTM on twitter (Mr. Donny, he’s hard, mate), his werk IG posts, and his constant edging because nobody can remember or trust that he’s got this, that multiple things are in play. But he also knows his fanbase, knows that it’s resistant to any kind of change, so I hope he pushes through and stays true to what he wants to do. I was really encouraged with his last promo round because he seems to have narrowed in on a something solid, he’s got a plan, and it’s not, “hey mr dj, put my record on,” it’s getting his fans to trust that he and his team know what the fuck they’re doing, and spoiler alert, it ain’t radio, but go ahead and keep pissing off djs by sending angry tweets their way. (Related: why is it so bad to avoid the radio when all of us admit that radio music is garbage? Is it because it’s more about you than him? Much to think about.)

* Harry. My very favorite head canon is that Harry is Jeff’s nightmare client: what was perfection at first because the Azoffs are old-school promo all the way (no SM, baby, gimme that sweet, sweet paper), and that dovetailed nicely with post-1D Harry, but it quickly veered into mulish teeth pulling. Low profile can quickly spin into no profile, and that really doesn’t work too well when you’re trying to sell sell sell, even if your brand is Harry StylesTM. HS1 and Dunkirk in their own separate ways worked VERY hard to push past the still-persistent way the general public views Harry as boybander Harry Styles, or more accurately, former boybander Harry Styles who dated Taylor Swift (if you venture out and ask someone who’s not a fan), but what I love about Harry is that much like Zayn, he doesn’t seem to be too bothered by all that. Sure, he’s ambitious, he wants to challenge himself and do things, but he’s no Niall Horan. He’s put in his time! If he gets a number one, then cool, but he’s not gonna chase it. And this is where Harry’s team really reflects his goals and energy: sure, they want him to do some promo (that “Do” tweet, the entire bit about the fan in Australia and Harry Lambert’s follow, goddddd, I loved it, petty Harry, resigned Jeff), but they clearly aren’t forcing him. He drops a song that makes a HUGE splash, and the follow-up is…liking some tweets and going to a John Mayer concert (not a John Mayer fan, so that wouldn’t be my first choice, but I respond to the zero fucks given about the whole thing). The music industry has changed a LOT in just two years, so it’s kind of cool to see team Harry pivoting a bit, seeing more SM interaction, the kindness generator, etc., but that said, the team takes their cues from him, and he clearly doesn’t want to do a whole promo circuit beyond persons a, b, and c, and magazine R, F, and A. Does it make sense to have Rob Sheffield write a profile about Stevie Nicks-blessed shroom-eater Harry Styles when his new song sounds like the Zarry combo of my dreams? NOPE, but that’s okay, Harry wanted to talk to Rob, so that’s what happened. The new song is more streaming friendly, and thank CHRIST, a lot less crusty white dude stuck in the ‘70s, so I can only hope that the rest of the album is thus, but we shall see! We’ll also see if Harry’s fan engagement shifts any further into the active zone…so far, it’s been “I’m gonna follow some larries, like these fun generator posts, check out a few dads” and staged photo ops with the same familiar faces, but I think he’s dealing with his own major bts issues as well (album delayed at least twice; that entire stalking situation). I still contend the album’s coming in the next few weeks, so it’ll be interesting to see if/how any additional promo rolls out in this new world order post-gryles landscape, how many interviews he’ll do, but I like that there’s a strategy that seems less stodgy…kudos to the new SM team, at least!!

Oh man, that got really long! Hope you enjoyed, and YES, opinions opinions opinions, and they’ll be stupid in about three weeks’ time, thanks for coming to my already dated buzzfeed article

[gu-fem]

Is Taylor Swift the Definition of the Modern White Womanhood?

Written by: Julia Zhigaleva

Call me dumb, call me white, but Taylor Swift’s music has been my guilty pleasure for so long that I eventually stopped feeling guilty about it. You guys, I’m not even kidding when I say that I grew up with Taylor Swift – from crying after school to Teardrops on My Guitar when the guy I liked chose to date my best friend over me, to dressing up like hipsters with my friends and partying to 22 in my college years, to taking forever to get over breakups with All Too Well, to lip-syncing to myself in the mirror to Blank Space wearing red lipstick, to trying to convince my significant other why Lover definitely has to one day play at our wedding.

As we grew up with Taylor, she grew up with us – from an overly dramatic teenager occupied with boy drama from the Fearless era, to a hopeless young romantic of Red and 1989, to an unapologetic bitch from Reputation, to folklore’s big sister Taylor who braids your hair and makes sure you don’t repeat the mistakes she made in her youth. To me Taylor Swift has always been the embodiment of the modern white womanhood, which in my opinion is also a secret to her huge commercial success. If you’re a girl and you don’t know a single Taylor Swift song you could relate to, you’re probably lying. 

This to me is also the reason why haters are always gonna hate – if Taylor Swift embodies so much of the modern femininity, the reason behind the overwhelming hatred towards the singer could easily be misogyny. “Overly dramatic, shallow, immature and always playing the victim” – for years Swift has been bullied for loving our loud, singing her heart out and trying to grow up and figure herself out while being one of the most commercially successful artists in the world. Constantly in the public eye, the singer has often been accused of using this public obsession with her private life to promote her music, which was then dismissed as too girly or not worthy of attention – the double standard Swift herself called out in The Man. 

And then we have the Taylor vs Kanye feud, which is honestly on the list of my possible PhD thesis ideas, as this decade-long beef has everything you could possible wish for - race, gender, cyber bullying, mental health, and even Barack Obama. When Kim’s Snapchat stories broke the internet back in 2016, it led to the outbreak of hatred like never before, with dozens of spiteful articles against Taylor appearing online and tons of snake emojis flooding the comments of the singer’s Twitter and Instagram accounts. And that’s when people that are normally impartial to Swift drama jumped in and reminded that not only is the girl completely crazy, but she also never in her life used her privilege to speak up social injustice and remained politically neutral during 2016 election race. Officially canceled and proclaimed dead, Swift was forced into an exile that very few of us believed she would ever recover from. 

Coming back with her Reputation album, Swift literally reinvented herself, burying her most iconic past selves in the music video for Look What You Made Me Do. But it wasn’t until she put out Miss Americana on Netflix, which, let’s be real, we all watched while being bored at home in quarantine, that Taylor won back over so many of those who turned their backs on her back when the Kim drama happened. In the documentary we get to see the private side of the singer’s life, as well as hear her side of the story on all the scandals that followed her in the past couple of years. Swift confesses that she has always felt pressured to be perfect and unproblematic, which held her from ever taking a political stance, truly speaking her mind, and eventually led her to developing an eating disorder. 

"A nice girl smiles and waves and says thank you. A nice girl doesn’t make people feel uncomfortable with her views. I was so obsessed with not getting in trouble that I’m just not going to do anything that anyone can say something about." – Miss Americana (2020). 

I was sad to see that Taylor’s epic comeback was actually yet another attempt to fit into the image of the exemplary femininity, the new little miss perfect of 2020 - the good girl going bad. We see in the meeting room scene how Swift tries to convince some old white dudes from her management team that taking a public stance against the Republican candidate in Tennessee is the right and important thing to do even if it hurts the Taylor Swift brand. But the truth is, Miss Americana is actually Swift doing damage control after being criticised for being artificially perfect, calculated and politically estranged. If in 2010 good girls curled their hair, skipped lunch and obsessed over cute boys, in 2020 they wear slogan tees, joke about straight white men and have at least one gay friend they can paint their nails with. Yet I wouldn’t dare to accuse Taylor Swift of being hypocritical and self-serving with her recent political activism.

“For someone who’s built their whole belief system on getting people to clap for you, the whole crowd booing is a pretty formative experience.” – Miss Americana (2020)

Taylor confessing that she had based her entire self-image on the constant approval and praise from others, hit too close to home. It made me think that as easy as it would be to point out that the singer who built her entire career upon the society’s conventional idea of femininity, doesn’t get to jump on the bandwagon and call herself a feminist, one cannot in good conscience blame Swift for wanting to fit in, be approved and accepted. In Miss Americana I saw Taylor fighting the losing battle of having to be a 'good girl’ in order to stay relevant and successful, yet being mocked and dismissed for this very conventional femininity of hers. Taylor opening up about her constant pursuit of perfection and need for validation in the world of unreachable standards set for women was perhaps the most vulnerable part of her documentary and it is certainly a struggle many of us can relate to.

Coming from a place of race and class privilege, possessing conventional beauty, and being adorably naive in her attempts to dismantle the patriarchy with the songs like The Man and You Need to Calm Down, still, Taylor Swift is the ultimate white girl that we can’t help but relate to. May she finally find her true self and may we all be lucky enough to be able to do the same.

[charmingturkeysandwich]

I Could Use a Love Song Ch. 3: don’t need no reason or happy hour

Chapter 3 of my Country Singer!Emma AU is here. I added a tag on AO3 for alcohol abuse, because while I don’t think we have true alcoholism here... Emma’s coping mechanisms are shit and the heavy drinking isn’t the healthiest. I wanted to make sure that I added that warning here as well. Please don’t use alcohol like Emma does here. I know from experience it’s hella bad news. Find a therapist! This is actual advice, not a joke. For reals. Emma should have just gone to a counselor instead of making appointments with Jose Cuervo and Jack Daniels. If anyone has treated you the way this iteration of Neal treated Emma, talk to someone. If you can’t afford a therapist, talk to me. Seriously, no lie, no joke, I’m only alive today because I eventually adopted a dog and sought counseling to cope with life’s many traumas.

Mmmmkkay enough babbling. 

Also on AO3

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Their next few gigs were some of the best in Emma’s (admittedly tequila-hazed) memory, and for once that glimmer of hope for that future of fame and fortune… well, it felt like a hell of a lot more than a glimmer.

The crowds had been rowdy, raucous, and ready to sing along to every song on their whole set. A few people even more some of the merch Killian had started selling at the door, nothing fancy of course, but it made her heart burst with pride nonetheless.

It had all gotten so real, so achievable, so close to everything she’s been dreaming about before she ever really knew that dreams were a thing that could come true.

So of course something was about to bring back the quasi-comfort of her life always reverting to being a waking nightmare.

That was a deeply melodramatic way of putting it – it’s not like she was being beaten or shamed or any of the daily torments her tiny town had ensured were burned into her brain. But that was the problem with the past, wasn’t it? It wasn’t over, even when it was. Those days were past but they would always somehow be present, replaying in her brain and aching in her heart no matter how far from Pennsylvania their little van puttered.

(Whoever said you can’t go home again neglected to mention how hard it was to leave it, even after you’d physically gone.)

It had been a Tuesday. In some chain grocery store outside Virginia Beach, the sun glowing through the big front windows and the icy chill of the air conditioning raising goosebumps on her bare arms. Emma had only echoes of a hangover, so Ruby’s constantly chatting wasn’t nearly as grating as it could be. They moved slowly through the aisles, tossing various food and supplies in their cart, more than fulfilling the list Graham and Mary Margaret had given them.

They were still struggling artists but some weeks the struggle was… less. This was one of them and if they decided to celebrate with Patron instead of Jose Cuervo and fresh, organic honeycrisp apples instead of Great Value brand dried apple chips, well, it’s because they damn well deserved it.

They couldn’t have been more than a few feet away from the checkout when the radio (a constant calming presence, most days, being the object of their ambition and all) caused her heart to drop to the deepest pits of her gut, twisting her insides until she was nearly dry-heaving to get the gross sensation of feelings out of her body and in the sewer system where it belonged.

They say scent is tied to memory, and it surely is, but there’s something, too, in sound. Music had a distinct way of tying itself to a moment, to a feeling. For some people that feeling was joy, was love, could be better than the best drug to intoxicate them with no risk of hangover. But for Emma, for this song in particular, it was all hangover, no high.

I’m set on cruise control

I’m slowly losing hold of everything I got

You’re looking so damn hot

The lyrics were innocuous enough. Sweet. Loving. There was certainly some couple out there – many, probably – who smiled fondly at each other when it came on. But for her, it was just a reminder of how pathetic she’d been, once upon a time, how deeply manipulated she’d been. And oh, the consequences she’d suffered for falling for a sweet voice and a pretty face and a moment that had felt like a country song.

And I don’t know what road we’re on

Or where we’ve been, from starin at you, girl

All I know is I don’t want this night to end

It had been a song she’d listened to in Neal’s truck, on a back road, the moon high and the stars bright and her heart hammering in her chest before he leaned over the center counsel parked in his daddy’s field and kissed her like she was precious, like she was, like he could love her through this life and the next.

And even today, half-hungover in a Piggly Wiggly or whatever the fuck this place was, she still felt the whisper of butterflies in her. She still remembered how much she’d believed the lies and even hoped the bad stuff wasn’t actually real, holding on to nights like that first one, her and Neal seemingly the only two people on Earth and all she’d ever need to feel whole again.

Emma Swan was a fighter, a survivor, a strong, badass woman that no man would ever hurt again.

But one Luke Bryan song on a clear Tuesday afternoon had her so torn up in shame, she almost forgot her best friend was standing beside her, her little “family” of a band and crew waiting for her back at the block of hotel rooms down the road.

She wasn’t in Pennsylvania. Neal wasn’t anywhere near her. But she could practically smell his cologne and the exhaust of his truck and the fact that there was a tiny part of her that truly still wished it had all worked out, that he’d been the happily ever after she’d wanted, and she wanted to slap herself silly for how stupid one smart girl could be.

“I think we can afford some Reese’s mix, right?” Ruby asked, already tossing two bags in the cart as they entered the self-checkout line.

“Yeah,” was all Emma could respond, her traitor brain still wavering between wishing for an alternate ending to her stupid, sad tale and coming totally clean to Ruby about what horrors she’d suffered and hitting the road with her on a revenge-fueled quest to keep that fucker from ever hurting another sweet, could-be-innocent girl ever again.

“Emma, you with me?” Ruby’s voice was hesitant, her eyes wide as she took in Emma’s likely ghost-pale complexion and battle-ready stance.

(She was always fighting those internal ghosts and damn could those things travel.)

But she didn’t want to think about Neal or the bruises long-healed or how she wishes she could time travel back and prevent the most painful part of what that monster had done to her, the part where for a pretty little minute she truly thought she’d loved him.

No. The past might be doing its damnedest to creep into today but she was not going to let it.

Fuck you, Luke Bryan, and all your pelvic sorcery.

“God, I hate this song,” Emma finally croaked out. “I think we should celebrate today.”

“Celebrate how much you hate a song that I’m fairly sure David would kill you for hating?”

“No, Rubes. Celebrate this,” Emma motioned all around them, somewhat erratically, only serving to further confuse Ruby. At least for a moment. “We’re really getting somewhere, aren’t we? I mean, three hotel rooms. That’s, like, a record. We’re getting somewhere. You and I, we came from some shit, right? And now we’re headed toward something good and I think we should celebrate.”

“And how exactly do you propose we celebrate this? Because if it’s by having a four-way with Graham and Killian I’m absolutely in, with just a couple ground rules – “

Emma cut off her teasing before her brain had enough time to make any visuals of that: “Ew. God, no. Why does your brain even go there? No. I just meant, you know, hitting some bars or the beach or something. Day drinking. It’s the ultimate in enjoyment and not giving a fuck.”

“So you’re suggesting we celebrate the good the same way we drown our sorrows in the bad?” Ruby mocked, tossing the groceries on the conveyor belt and a packet of mints at Emma’s head.

“No, you drink your sorrows in the dark. You drink your celebrations when the sun’s out,” Emma said like it was the most normal, accepted thing in the world, like she was reciting it from a code of conduct instead of having made it up on the spot to cover for the fact that she very much, one hundred percent was drowning her sorrows but just didn’t have the patience to wait for the sun to set.

“Sure, Ems. Let’s go with that.” Ruby clearly wasn’t buying her bullshit – she always did have an excellent bullshit detector – but she went along with it all the same.

Emma paid for the groceries and hefted as many bags to the car as she could possibly carry, the burn in her arms like the warmth of the sun as she flip-flopped her way to the awaiting van, a great day of drinking and forgettingahead of her.

The usual six of them turned into seven that day, Killian’s old buddy from the service having been stationed at the naval base in Norfolk and here for a visit. Will, that was his name, and he was a pain in the ass in the very best way. He had been matching her shot-for-shot in the hotel room before they hopped the Uber to The Cove, a beachside bar favored by locals and tourists alike. He would tease her and taunt her and buy her drinks, but with absolutely the energy of a brother and not a I’m looking to get into your pants kind of way.

David saw her as a sister, sure, but he tended toward the serious, the protective. He cared so much and knew too much, and it kept him from being totally lighthearted or even downright rude. And Graham, well he never paid Emma quite that much attention, always on his own quests and whatnot. She couldn’t blame the guy, and truly she didn’t usually want attention, but there was something about today, something about the casual nature of her exchanges with Will that allowed her to just be free.

Killian wasn’t quite on board, though. Ever since she and Ruby had floated the idea of some casual no-show-tonight fun, he’d been weirdly quiet. Mary Margaret and David were notably excited, seeming to view it as an opportunity for date night, even with the five other tagalongs. And Ruby was pretty much always up for a party.

But Killian seemed to be cranky at her and she couldn’t figure out why.

“Let loose, why don’t you, Jones!” Emma shouted across the bar, Killian nursing a rum and coke while Ruby, Will, and Emma had joined another group of probable-tourists in a limbo competition.

“Eh, let him sulk,” Will had suggested, stumbling a little after returning to the upright position. He was suspiciously good at the limbo. Maybe he’d been a gymnast in another life?

“I’ll get him, Em,” Ruby promised, having fallen flat on her ass after the last round (the responding ooooohhhhhhshaving more to do with her skirt riding up to her waist as she fell than it was about the fall itself).

Ruby had spent the next hour or so in the corner with Killian, both steadily drinking but never really coming to re-join the party. So Emma and Will kept socializing with strangers while Graham flirted hard with a pretty girl and Mary Margaret and David found another grossly into each other couple to apparently double date with, because of course they did.

After a few drinking games, a few messy dances, and definitely too much liquor for before 5pm, Emma finally took a break, she and Will sidling up to the bar and ordering some nachos.

“Y’know, you’re not nearly as pretty as Killian described you,” Will said after a few minutes of nacho-focused silence.

“Hey! I think you’re insulting me and I don’t appreciate it,” Emma responded, cheese dripping down the corner of her mouth.

“Way he talks, you’d think you were a bleeding fallen angel or something. I definitely didn’t expect a hot mess who talked with her mouth full.”

“Hah! You said hot. I still got it,” she joked, chomping down on another cheese and chili covered chip.

Emma had become pretty good at reading people – people tended to adapt after you suffering the consequences of falling for it – and Will definitely wasn’t flirting with her. At least not with actual intent. So why on earth had he brought up her looks?

She was happy to play along with whatever game he had going, was even feeling a little bolder and more confident than usual with his carefree attitude and his backward compliments.

But his next comment was the proverbial bucket of ice on any of those feelings.

“He’s a good man, Emma. I hope you don’t toy with him.”

“Excuse me?” What exactly was this fucker accusing her of? She hadn’t even talked to Killian since they’d been at the hotel and she certainly hadn’t been mean. No, even at her most prickly, she was never all-out mean to him. He was a good guy, the type to hold your hair when you puked and nearly the opposite of her initial assumptions about him. Of course she’d never ‘toy with him.’ The fucking nerve of this dude.

“I don’t think you know me enough to continue those thoughts, Scarlet,” she warned, shoving the nachos away and downing her fruity drink.

“Don’t get me wrong. I like you, Emma. You’d make a good mate. But I’m more like you than you realize, and I know how many people I hurt before I got myself straight. Just … keep that in mind, won’t ya?”

And then the bastard just… left.

He didn’t say goodbye to anyone – not even to Killian – and left Emma pissed as all hell and sitting alone at a tourist trap in the worst city in all of Virginia.

So much for that attempt at celebration.

But before her thoughts (and actions) could turn to the dark side, Graham and David were approaching her for a friendly tournament of darts and after a couple bulls eyes and a little light taunting, her carefree spirit had returned, just in time to kick Mary Margaret’s ass and move onto the championship game between her and Killian.

“So, that friend of yours is something,” Emma observed, tossing her first set of darts and landing them with soft thunks into the felt.

“Will? Aye. He’s… he’s been a friend for quite a long time. There for me for some pain. So I choose to keep his pain-in-the-ass existence around.” His tone was light and his words sincere, but there was a weight to his expression that Emma didn’t quite understand.

He took his turn, little glints in his eye and mini-fist pumps when he hit his intended target. It was adorable, to be honest. But there was definitely something wrong and despite Will’s seeming accusations about her and her abilities to be a good friend, she wanted nothing more than to take away whatever pain he was reliving at the moment.

So she lost – yes, intentionally – and dragged him to the bar, ordering him some straight whiskey to loosen him up and hopefully to help him forget like she already was.

“Why, Swan, if I didn’t know any better, I’d say you were trying to get me drunk,” he practically purred, breaking the flirty tone with a gentle boop to her nose. “Which is usually my tactic.”

“Easy, Captain,” she joked with him, fiddling with the prosthetic ‘hook’ contraption he wore when they went out (it’s a perfect beer holder, he’d said, to which she’d responded yeah, right, you just want to play pirate).

Despite the fog of the liquor, a few facts clicked into place. He’d suffered some bad shit in his past, shit Will apparently witnessed. Killian had also lost his hand, probably in the Navy. And this town, it wasn’t far from a navy base. Could that have been his navy base? Had they inadvertently brought Killian to the scene of the crime, so to speak?

The way she never wanted to go back to her ‘hometown,’ the place she’d lived the longest and suffered the most… what if that’s how he felt here? What if she’d suggested they celebrate over the grave of whatever and whoever he lost?

God, she was a hot mess and she was dangerous, the way she sank into her pain without looking into anyone else’s.

Before she could talk herself out of it, she wanted to apologize. Or something. “I’m sorry about this. Or, I guess, about whatever led to this. Or accompanied it. I’m just… I’m just sorry?”

“For the ungodly amount of liquor you’re pressuring me into drinking? Don’t worry, love, I’m a big boy.”

Ugh, the deflection. She knew that tactic well. “No, I mean this,” she said, gripping the elbow of his damaged arm. “I don’t know what happened and I’m not asking, but I just want you to know that I’m sorry. Not in the fault kind of way. Just the way where I wish it hadn’t happened and I know there’s pain and you didn’t deserve it. Or don’t. Currently. You know what I mean.”

“I think you’re drunk off your ass, darling.”

“Call me darling one more time and you’ll be the one on your ass.”

“So defensive, jeez,” he quipped, finishing another drink and slamming the glass back down on the table, his face melting into something a little more serious, if only for a moment. “Thank you, Swan,” he said finally, cupping her cheek with his right hand.

Her heart about stopped as his eyes bored into hers. It was much too much, the closeness, the feel of his hand, the heat of his body, the truth in his eyes, and all she wanted was to go back to teasing and laughing and strangers who didn’t have feelings or at least didn’t share them with her and why did she even bring it up, anyway? Just because Will had made her feel bad? Why shouldn’t they drink away their pain if it quieted the demons for one blessed day? Why should we have to suffer the same memories over and over when instead we could just fucking let go.

She should have just stuck to letting go.

But his intense sincerity washed away in a blink, his flirty near-pirate persona back with a vengeance. “Now, Swan, what game shall I best you at next?” His gentle caress on her cheek turned into a full grip, his fingers scrunching her face almost comically.

“Name it, Jones. You’re on.”

Turns out their little crew had signed them all up for a cornhole tournament out on the sand and Graham had called dibs on Emma as a partner, for which she was thankful. He was pretty boss at all bar games, and she had a competitive streak even without her BAC being higher than her high school GPA.

But get her drunk and she’d pretty much lie, cheat, and steal her way to bragging rights on whatever silly game they were playing.

So of course she and Graham had made it to the finals, their opponents two bikini-clad college girls who could trash talk like no other.

Which is why Emma was totally fine with the little plot she had brewing in her head.

“Graham, we need distractions here.”

“What do you mean, like have Mary Margaret set something on fire again?”

“Oh, come on. Pretty girls. Fun, happy, drunk, pretty girls. I saw them ogling you earlier so they’re probably straight. Take your shirt off. Now!”

“I always said I’d reject your advances when you inevitably tried to get me naked, Swan, but you drive a hard bargain.”

Emma rolled her eyes, but Graham did as instructed, stretching lazily and pantomiming sweat before pulling at the neck of his t-shirt and whisking it over his head.

The girls missed their next shots, and Graham had the chance to win it with this last toss and Emma was ready to bust out her victory dance just a tad prematurely.

Until the brunette untied her bikini top and let the fabric fall to her waist just as Graham was taking his shot.

He missed, of course.

Damn, these girls were good.

“Can I be of assistance?” a husky voice offered, his breath ticking her ear lobe.

Killian, of course.

“What exactly can you offer, Jones?” Graham swooped in to ask, clearly annoyed that his bare chest hadn’t yet won them the game.

“Well, Graham, Emma here assures me that you’re one ‘fine specimen of man’ but sadly to those girls you’re all talk and no action, across the beach from them, separated by this very game. I think they need something a little more… tactile.”

Killian was over-confident when he was drinking, but it’s not as if he were wrong. If she were one of those girls and Killian came up to her, with his sultry accent and his maddening smirk and the way he’d run his fingers through her long hair…

Yeah, it would work. Definitely. Yup.

“Go for it, Jones, but don’t come crying to us if they don’t take to your charms the way you want them to,” Emma warned, rolling her eyes and banishing all inappropriate thoughts of Killian Jones to the dark recesses of her mind with her knowledge of calculus and the memory of that time she walked in on Mary Margaret sucking David off in their shared kitchen back in Pittsburgh.

Killians voice alone proved distracting enough for the blonde girl to miss her shot and Graham, his ego now challenged, sank his with ease.

Emma cheered far too loud and leaped into Graham’s arms, her legs around his waist, Ruby rushing up to high five them and pass along a few more shots to keep the day rolling.

By the time the sun sank behind the bar, the ocean in front of them streaked with the deep blues and purples of twilight, Emma was well past drunk and definitely no longer thinking of any painful backstories or traumas or anything, really, but the cinnamon burn of the Fireball and the feel of Killian’s arm around her as they walked down a set of stairs to a fire pit so much like those that she’d built on the banks of the Allegheny and yet so different, the smell of the salt of the ocean and the leather of Killian’s jacket keeping her brain from connecting the present to the past.

“Jones, haven’t you ever heard you’re supposed to keep your hands to yourself in the presence of a lady?” she teased, wiggling her shoulders where he was grasping her.

“Aye, but I see no ladies here!” He chuckled and she elbowed him and he bowed his head to her ear as they stepped down the last stair. “Besides, love, what if you’d fallen and no one was there to save you?”

She rolled her eyes again, shrugging off his support now that there was no excuse for it, solid ground beneath their feet. “Oh, I’m a loud screamer. Someone would have come for me.”

“Oh, how I’d like to experience both of those things for myself…” Killian groaned, his mind of course solidly in the gutter.

Emma just laughed it off and stumbled toward the fire, joining Mary Margaret and David on a log clearly only meant for two.

Tomorrow was going to be hell, definitely more than just the echo of a hangover. But they had hotel rooms and each other and now and really those things alone made every minute of tomorrow’s inevitable headache more worth it than she could ever have fathomed in any stage of her life before this one.

[electratm]

Posting a quick intro because I’m super excited to get into interactions! Hi guys it’s ya girl Theo, I’m 20 and cursed to be in the GMT+2 timezone. I’m currently in uni studying journalism and pr, but you guessed it I won’t be able to save this PR wreck aka Electra Romero. I’ll have some ideas for connections down below, but if you want to reach me do it though my dms here or you can find me on my discord  —   theoffs#3866 !

.  *  ◜  oh  my  god  ,  you’ll  never  guess  who’s  coming  to  this  party  tonight  !  according  to  stan  twitter  ,  i  heard  that  it’s  electra romero,  a  singer who’s  currently  signed  to  gold  crown  entertainment  .  wait ,  you  don’t  know  who  she is  ?  well  ,  el is  a  cis female known  around  los  angeles  as  having  a  striking  resemblance  to  camila mendes,  &  the  resemblance  is  uncanny  .  they’re  a  twenty-two year  old  who  has  been  signed  to  gold  crown  for  THREE YEARS,  &  have  an  identical  career  to  camila cabello,  which  probably  explains  why  they’ve  amassed  such  a  following  .  ever  since  they  signed  to  gold  crown  ,  they  have  been  known  for  being  quite  astute &  maverick,  but  crown  exposed  seems  to  want  to  paint  them  as  nothing  more  than  detached &   irascible .  i’m  beyond  excited  that  they’ve  made  it  this  far  in  their  career  -  every  time  i  see  their  instagram  ,  i  can’t  help  but  picture  her  collection  of  electric  guitars, patched  denim  jackets,  drunken  swearing  at  paparazzi .  oh  wait  ,  they’re  coming  over  here  –  act  natural  !

Basics —  

Name:  Electra Rosario Romero Nicknames: El, Romero Age & Birthday: 22 /  March 1st 1997 Zodiac sign: Pisces Gender: cis female Occupation: singer / songwriter sexuality: heterosexual ( bicurious ) Born: Los Angeles, California Ethnicity: Brazillian  Career Claim: Camila Cabello Pinterest: here.

Background  —  ( death tw )

when I first applied I didn’t have that much of a backstory on her, but the more I worked on her pinterest and mock blog I fell in love with her messed up self. So the gist of it is that her family moved to L.A before she was born, her mother an aspiring singer and her dad wanted to do anything for his woman plus he is a car mechanic so he could find a job anywhere. Before her they had another daughter,  her older sister by 4 years and  a younger brother that was born 6 years after her. They were never the happiest family, high school sweethearts that got knocked up and wanted to escape the life in Brazil so they went with the ‘American dream’  only it was a goddamn nightmare. Her father found the work he was looking for, but her mother was seriously struggling and her only way of getting jobs being to sleep with whoever offered and she kept it a secret from her husband. Even with doing that it didn’t really lead anywhere, she grew old and bitter and wasn’t the best mother to her three kids. They didn’t see their father that often either, but that’s just cause he worked his ass off to keep them with clothes on their backs and to be able to afford food which obviously isn’t easy in L.A. It was home that never felt like home for Electra, she knew it like the palm of her hand, but there wasn’t that feeling of security as they lived in a pretty crappy neighbourhood. 

They still got around though and the three kids practically raised themselves. Her older sister playing the biggest role in her life as she practically raised her and taught her everything while her mother was off hooking up with random men. Her sister was quite the social butterfly in contrast to Electra and always did what was best for their family. Even if that meant doing some not so ethical stuff to get money. When Electra was 14 though things got really bad and her life literally turned upside down. Her sister had began stripping for money, something she made El swear to keep a secret, not that she understood it well, but she knew neither of her parents especially her father would be okay with that. That left 14 year old Electra looking after her then 8 year old brother after school, making sure he’s fed and okay. Electra actually learned how to take care of herself and others real young. But one day as he was walking back from school just as he was calling her to ask what they’ll have for lunch he hadn’t looked around while crossing the street and was hit by a car mid conversation with Electra. He died on the spot and although it’s not her fault she has always thought that she had a part of it because she was supposed to protect him. 

It was a devastating few months for the Romero’s,  not long after her younger child’s death her mother finally went ahead and left them for another man. Everything that happened made Electra sick and angry, but neither of them could stop and mourn properly cause if they did they’d have no place to live. That’s when around the age of 15/16 Electra started getting into songwriting. Being slightly more mature going into adolescence she started to experience the things that are love and friendship and got caught up with them. Smoking, underage drinking, stealing her first electric guitar and learning to play it so she could impress her then boyfriend. She did whatever she could to distract herself from the sad reality that was her life and for a while it worked like a charm. Her making a living out of singing never seemed like an option to her as she knew her father and sister wouldn’t approve. She saw what happened with her mother and even thinking about it wasn’t a topic of discussion. So it remained a silly little hobby she’d work on while she skipped on school to hang out with her friends until the moment when one of them suggested that she’d upload one of them for her as at the time Electra couldn’t afford owning a computer. She didn’t think much of it and agreed, but instead she went viral  and not long after a producer reached out to her with the chance to join a girl group he was forming. Electra was probably drunk or high when that happened, but somehow she ended up agreeing. 

Singing career / present  —    

Somehow Electra had been discovered by an actual producer that wasn’t going to scam her, and not only that, but he made a pretty decent girl group. Her and the four other girls who also had gone viral in some shape or from made quite the team, each girl different in her own way and attracting all sorts of people. He signed them to his record label and they started blowing up within a year of their release, yet Electra never seemed to take it as seriously as the rest of them. There she was all glamorous singing repetitive pop songs in a short skirt, something that even she found embarrassing, but the money was good.  Her family made a big deal out of it and didn’t want to do anything with her, seeing that she never told them and they found out when they saw one of her first preformances. Not facing them wasn’t that hard as they were almost always on the road doing show after show without consideration for their wellbeing. Not only was this not her music, it wasn’t her life anymore she had no control over it. About a year after they’d began she started getting out of control, skipping rehearsals, snapping at the crew and overall being super problematic which they ignored  for as long as they could, but she couldn’t stop crossing the line. After roughly two years the management kicked her out which they played out as a mutual decision, but it was obvious that she’s at fault. And again it was her fault that her family couldn’t get any money again, this time she could truly blame herself, but she had been so sick of being controlled all the time.

For awhile not working felt good, she got her own sound back, even wrote enough to have her own album, but all the people she had alienated while constantly on tour left her with nothing, but her music. Her sister was okay with talking with her, but her father still refused as he saw the wife that left him in the face of his own daughter. Even if he was mad at her Electra still wanted to provide for them, it’s what she was taught to do so when Gold Crown entertainment reached out to her with a whole plan to get her back in the spotlight she was all up for it. A fake relationship and collab that would make her out to be a new and changed person, inspired by it all she writes an album that becomes an instant hit and suddenly everyone adores her again. They let her write her own songs which she was happy about, but she had to follow this whole PR scheme to redeem herself. She didn’t really care if people liked her, what mattered was that at the end of the day each scandal or drama she was involved with brought money to the table and soon enough she would establish a much more successful image for herself than her girl band days that she wasted. This time she wasn’t going to fuck up. 

Personality  —    

Electra isn’t the nicest person, but she cares a lot. The people that gain her trust are very special to her and she’d do anything for them. She values family even if it’s as broken as hers with a workacholic father, a stripper sister and a mother that’s nowhere to be seen. She’s an honest and authentic person even if what she has to say isn’t pretty. El has seen quite the stuff growing up and doesn’t share it, especially the stuff that makes her vulnrable. Her life is strictly business and she can’t go around telling people her sob story as she feels guilty for it really being that way. At this point she just tries to keep her temper intact and do what she has to in order to have some advantage. She often contradicts herself with the things she believes yet still does the opposite thing cause she’ll get something out of it. She’s been in love and experienced real friendship, but that hasn’t helped her or filled the void of guilt in her heart. 

Wanted connections  —    

I have a lot of those! Whether it’s acquaintances, friends, frenemies, enemies, hookups, pr relationships, I want them all! Here are the main ones that I feel like are crucial to her story:

The PR relationship of a lifetime. This can be taken in any way whether they get along, have actual feelings or hate each other’s guts. The main idea of it is that when Gold Crown reached out to her and had a plan for her getting back to the spotlight this relationship was involved. What started out as an innocent collab at first would blossom into a romance. One that would inspire her to change her ways and write a whole album! Or at least that’s what the public has to see. In reality Electra is trapped by it as cause of it she can’t really have a real relationship with anyone. The only thing she can do is have hookups with people she’s certain won’t rat out that her other relationship is fake. 

Roomies. I suppose not long after she turned 18 and was still in her girl group she moved out due to her strained relationship with her family and started living with someone else. Could be another member from her girl group or just a friend from the business she made along the way. She’s probably really close to that person they’re one of the few to see her caring and protective side. 

Hookups. You know a girl has her needs. Whether she was sad, got drunk and somehow ended up in bed with that person or they made a fwb kinda deal it’s always fun to play out. 

Ex-band members. Another person to leave the band after her or they fell apart who knows, but they all share the long weeks of preforming every night and know the struggle that came in being in a girl band.

Dumped for the job. Another starlet she met in the start of her career. At first they hit it off and even got together, again one of the few people to know the real her and what’s she’s all about and that’s what drove them apart. Inspired but this post. Probably tried to stick by her in her rough patches, but she just kept pushing him away and with her offer for  the PR relationship it was obvious it was never going to last. There may still be some lingering feelings, but not all of them are good. 

These are the main things I can think of. I’m good with anything tbh and if you’re stuck you can take a look at my wanted tag or we can just brainstorm so like this post or hmu!!!