#I think it was a decent conclusion to Louis’s story (so far). but Louis’s story isn’t over and we know hes an unreliable narrator

[rivercule]

One thing I will say. There’s no way the penthouse shit went down like that. “Hey I’m gonna leave you here with this guy who could easily kill either of us and has every reason, as far as I know, to want you dead. Don’t worry I sternly told him to leave you alone. Oh wait he turned you into a vampire? Yeah I’m sure that was uneventful. Not sure that qualifies as hurting you either so I think we’re all good.”

They’re definitely going to revisit that.

[travel-hopefully]

A collective post of everything I watched on Netflix in 2020

I finally found the watch history function on Netflix which I wanted in order to reminisce over the TV/film I watched over the last year, including the good and the bad. I’ve included a little round-up of my thoughts for each, as lockdown has got me with plenty of time on my hands. If anyone has watched any of the below feel free to give me a message- happy to discuss anything!

Travelers (season 3) - this was an unforgettable show with some great characters and definitely put me through hell (in a good way), I am a David x Marcy shipper for sure!

IT Crowd (season 4 & 5) - my favourite comedy show ever, and I mean the UK version

Explained (random episodes) - interesting bite-sized episodes on a variety of topics

Sherlock (season 3 & 4) - it kinda went downhill from season 4...and doesn’t help that there is no season 5 in sight

Unforgettable - must be pretty forgettable cause I couldn’t remember watching, a typical revenge plot romp I think

The Mind, Explained - same as for Explained above, except more pyshcological

You (season 2) - binge-worthy! I love to hate Joe Goldberg.

Don’t F**k with Cats - wow, this was disturbing but so gripping.

Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle - geniunely a good remake and rather amusing

Sex, Explained - as for Explained but a little more intriguing ;)

The Stranger (season 1) - full of suspense and a good binge watch but ultimately full of plot holes with an unsatisfying conclusion

Gavin & Stacey (season 3) - a classic which I only started watching in 2019

Sex Education (all of it) - comedy gold!

Unbelievable (limited series) - very harrowing, an emotional rollercoaster based on a real-life rape case

Atypical (all of it) - light-hearted and fun to binge

The Sinner (season 1) - it was okay... wasn’t spectacular compared to other similar dramas I’ve seen

Love Is Blind (season 1) - cringey but satisfying

In the Shadow of the Moon - I hardly remember this one :)

Dunkirk - a stand-out historical movie

The Stepfather - typical killer stepfather plot but rather enjoyable

The Super - an interesting premise, but not that super

Saw VI - all gore not much plot

Doctor Who (random episodes) - no words needed :D

Louis Theroux and Louis Theroux’s Weird Weekends (random episodes) - I love his style of interviewing - what a man!

The Revenant - a lot of... well, not much

Nightcrawler - it was decent, but something was missing which I couldn’t put my finger on

How To Get Away With Murder (seasons 1-5) - probably my biggest new watch of the year, a rollercoaster of suspense, drama and murder, another season to go...

Ocean’s Eleven - fun but cheesey

Blumhouse’s Truth or Dare - creepy faces and an interesting ending

Eli - it started one way then went another, I wasn’t convinced

Star Trek (2009) - I couldn’t really get into this one...

In the Tall Grass - a lot of running around in grass

Bloodride (season 1) - i loved this, a quirky idea, i binged it

Apostle - intense, a satisfying religious cult horror

The Platform - great idea, not sure on the ending

What Keeps You Alive - what happened in this one again?

History 101 - didn’t watch many episodes :P

The Prodigy - a decent child possession horror

Into the Night (season 1) - really enjoyed this, a highlight of the year for me, hoping for a season 2

It - pretty chilling and creepy, but a tad cheesey

Jurassic World and Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom - the first one has a brilliant dinosaur fight scene, the second one has too many plot holes and inconsistencies to take seriously

Knowing - a Nicholas Cage sci-fi/apocalpytic classic, pretty decent

Stranger Things (random episodes) - i tried to get my bf into the show but sadly he still isn’t much of a TV fan

Miranda (random episodes) - such fun!

Black Mirror (seasons 1 & 2) - another one i introduced the bf to, i got a bit further with him on this one, the very first episode being the highlight

The Last House on the Left - a decent remake, but nothing outstanding

Dark (season 3) - this, my friends, is one of the greatest shows of all time. want a timey-wimey story where everything is connected and has an amazingly satisfying conclusion? this is the show for you!

The Silence - a bad ‘A Quiet Place’

Geostorm - i’m a fan of disaster movies but this one wasn’t in the same league as some of the greats

Panic Room - a mum and kid hides in the panic room when a group of thugs break into the house, it was enjoyable but not all that memorable

Prisoners - a very long film with some enjoyable parts but overall unsatisfying

Girl on the Third Floor - it was okay, i can’t remember much of it

The Woods (season 1) - another Harlan Coben adaptation- not as good as ‘Safe’ or ‘The Stranger’ but still a gripping thriller

Time Trap - a fun time-travel film with some interesting turns of events

72 Dangerous/Cutest Animals (random episodes) - just ‘cause i love animals

Slasher (all of it) - some very gory deaths, especially in season 3. quite disturbing but keeps the suspense up throughout.

2012 - a guilty pleasure of mine, realistic or not

Kingsman: The Secret Service - a fun spy film, will be looking to watch the second one soon

Blackfish - this was harrowing, it really made me think, but overall i’m on the side of tilikum

Unsolved Mysteries (season 1 & 2) - watching some of these my jaw dropped, love theorising on this kind of stuff

Down to Earth with Zac Efron (season 1) - Zac is great in this, he seems so chill and literally ‘down to earth’

The Call - I love this film, seen it 3 times now

Contagion - very relatable right now, interesting to see the parallels with todays situation

Next in Fashion (season 1) - i didn’t get too far with this, i found it a little superficial

Searching - another of those internet web-cam based films. decent but not memorable.

Non-stop - another Nicholas Cage classic, this time a suspense thriller

Freaks - as the title suggests this one was rather weird, i didn’t quite gel with it

The Perfection - wow, that was an experience. definitely memorable, even if some characters make questionable decisions...

Extraction - not usually a fan of action-type thrillers, but i actually enjoyed this one, plus it has Chris Hemsworth in it!

Line of Duty (season 2) - full of suspense, a great build-up in the first 5 episodes, but the way they tied it up really grated on me 

Insidious - watched this one with my sister. a genuinely good horror film on rewatch with an amazing cliff-hanger

A Quiet Place - another one watched with my sister. labelled a horror but its more sci-fi, either way its a classic. bring on the second film!

The Dark Tower - disappointing mostly.

Gladiator - i’d never seen this before and now i understand the hype- what an epic movie!

Criminal UK (season 2) - didn’t disappoint following the exceptional first season

Venom - a fun comedic marvel film, definitely need to watch more from Marvel in the next year- i need an order to watch them in as don’t know where to start

Our Planet (season 1) - chill David Attenborough to put on in the background

The Equalizer - a great action revenge thriller plot with a badass Denzel

Merlin (random episodes) - who doesn’t love a trip down memory lane with some nostalgic bbc merlin?

A Nightmare on Elm Street (2010) - pretty scary remake

The Witcher (season 1) - rewatched in order to familiarise myself again before season 2 - i didn’t realise how funny the show was until this time round, gotta love Jaskier!

American Murder: The Family Next Door - this was haunting

The Haunting of Bly Manor - phenomenal, emotional, creepy, heartbreaking - i much preferred it to Hill House

Abducted in Plain Sight - seriously, how naive are the parents in this? i could have a rant for hours about this!

The End of the F***ing World (seasons 1 & 2) - very bingeable, Alyssa makes me laugh too much, i love how relatable the show is

Fractured - didn’t expect much from this consipiracy-type film but it kept me guessing right till the end

The Ripper (limited series) - very intriguing, but the mysogyny in this was shocking

Inconceivable - a typical mother looking for her baby revenge plot but still entertaining

The Midnight Sky - i’d heard rave reviews for this but was disappointed by a lacklustre plot which was sacrificed for award-winning cinematography

Killer Women with Piers Morgan (season 2) - a pyschological interview series which looks into the mind of murderers, rather interesting

May the Devil Take You - scarier and jumpier than i thought it would be!

So 2020 obviously gave me a lot of time to watch a s**t load of stuff and looking back at it i feel like i got a decent amount of my watch-list ticked off! And obviously this is not including shows watched on other media so there’s that too (a special shout-out to the William Hartnell era of Doctor Who which I watched this year on BritBox). In all, 2020 has definitely introduced me to a few new fandoms and progressed my love for others. 

[looselucy]

Fifty Seven - Baby I’m Yours

Louis and Eleanor were the last two to leave, the atmosphere seeming incredibly tense as soon as Harry’s dad arrived. It wasn’t long before excuses were made, and everyone exited the property. Harry was speaking with his dad in the garden, their voices blocked as they spoke between one another. As far as the eyes could see, the conversation didn’t look too positive, in fact it looked quite the opposite. I could tell mainly from his father’s over-sized hand gestures, and Harry’s solemn face. “Good luck.” Louis placed a kiss on my cheek before stepping out of the door. “Do I need it?” I asked worriedly.

Eleanor moved to Louis’ little red car, giving me a sympathetic wave goodbye as she clambered inside, leaving me and Louis to continue our farewell in private. I knew I wasn’t going to like what I was about to hear. Louis let out a deep breath, not really fond of the idea that he was going to have to be the one to break this news to me, but he did have the decency, of course he did! Louis was one the most decent human beings I had ever met. “He’s just… not easy to please.” He spoke. “Okay...” “He’s ridiculously protective of Harry. Seems to think all of Harry’s friends are fake. Only there cause of the money.” “So he’ll think I’m what? A gold-digger?” The idea was laughable. “I’m not saying that outright.” Louis told me. “But if I know Des at all, that’s probably somewhere in his train of thought.” The thing that ran through my head in that moment was, how do I prove him wrong? Thanks to our indoor relationship over the past year or so, Harry had never really gone all out for me, our relationship was the furthest thing from being based around money, because we practically never had the opportunities to do so. There were small gifts from time to time, but other than that, I couldn’t think of anything. Also, thanks to the videos I was earning more than enough money all by myself. But I didn’t think that was the point. I think his dad feared about it future wise, that I might just be stringing him along and pretending I wasn’t there for money, when I could have been eventually, given time. It obviously wasn’t the case, of course not, but how do you prove that to a protective father who doesn’t see his son as often as he’d like? “Why would he think that of all his friends? Harry’s such a nice guy. How can he accuse all his friends of being like that?” I questioned. “Because at one point, they were.” Louis simply said. “What?” I hated the story before he even began. The idea of people using Harry sent me into overdrive and my blood boil, anger and vexation pumping my body rather than its usual feel. How shallow people could be. “It wasn’t long before he met you. Bunch of… really awful people, who me and the boys hated from the get go. Harry was just... blind to it. Too nice to realise they were just using him. Some shit happened, and… I dunno. His guard went up even more after that.” I didn’t even question why he hadn’t told me about it, and I didn’t want to delve into the matter further than that. That was enough information for me. I hated what that may have done to him, his view of people and life skewered because selfish wankers felt as though they could take him for a ride. I hated it, and I hated the thought that his dad might think that I was out to do the same, that those were my intentions. It couldn’t have been further from the truth, the mere idea of it knocked me sick. I could see Louis studying me, kind of waiting for a reaction to reveal what I was thinking, waiting for me to maybe speak and ask him about it, but I wasn’t going to, it depressed me enough without fine-detail. “You okay?” He asked me. “I don’t know.” I sighed. “You’ll be fine. Honestly. It’s clear you love Harry.” “Maybe to you.” Louis couldn’t find anything to say to that, he just gave me a sorry hug, then went on his way, he and Eleanor both shooting me looks of sorrow and sympathy through the car window as it backed out of Harry’s drive, making me feel even worse about my upcoming meeting with Harry’s father. I wearily closed the door, and began questioning what I should even do with myself. Avoid them? Go into the garden and introduce myself, pretending I wasn’t aware of the serious discussion they were in the middle of? I had no idea, so for a few moments, I just stood there and concentrated on my breathing. Heavy puffs. In. Out. In. Out. I tried not to think about anything, I tried to clear my mind of every single matter and feelings that overwhelmed it and just stand there empty for a few moments, but I only began to question who I was. I was so scared of being judged by him, scared of what his thoughts would be of me. Because even if he realised I wasn’t there for the money, would he like me? There was a possibility of him disliking me anyway. That’s why I was questioning who I was. That’s why I was questioning everything, really. I decided to just suck it up, and approach him, knowing it would happen at some point no matter how much I was dreading it. I moved through the house and didn’t even concentrate on my footsteps, soon in the garden with the two of them, causing their conversation to come to an abrupt halt. Harry just stared at me, an unreadable expression on his face. I literally cannot put an emotion to it, not even the slightest hint or inkling to his inner feelings read on his features, it was just an empty gaze. Des gave me an awkward smile, like he didn’t really know what to do or say. I think at that point I became a little irritated, frustrated with the fact he could be thinking so lowly of me. I think another thing was, myself and Harry had finally found ourselves in the scenario where we had nothing to worry about, nothing to hide. We could just be ourselves. I wasn’t willing to let someone take that from us so soon after we had gained it, even if it was his father. I wasn’t willing to just fall down and accept that. And the thought of that happening, unfortunately, did make me angry. I took my gaze to Harry before speaking. “Do you mind if we have a minute in private?” I asked him. His face dropped, obviously not quite expecting me to want a private conversation with his father, but I was ready to stand my ground and prove my point. “Wh-what?” Harry stuttered. My eyes flicked to his dad just for a second, and I could see a similar look of shock create the image of his current face. All I had to do was nod to Harry, firm and steady and he knew I meant what I had said. He slowly stood himself up, leaning in and whispering softly to my ear before he took himself inside. “I’m sorry. Don’t pay him attention, okay? We know what this is.” I occupied myself in the seat Harry had previously been sat in, silently preparing myself for the fast-coming conversation, looking Des straight in the eyes, still confident, still stern, ready to fight my own ground. He sat there in silence, I think he was still slightly bewildered by my forthgoing attitude towards him. To be honest, I would be lying if I was to say I wasn’t pretty surprised by it too, but me and Harry had fought vicious battles in attempts to be together. This, for me, was just another battle. “I’m just gunna come right out and say it,” I exhaled, calming myself. “Do you think I’m here for the money?” I saw it right away, a sense of shame within himself, questioning that of me when this was literally the only thing I had ever said to him. It meant I’d been warned, and he knew that, and he didn’t like it. It spoke through his heavy sigh, like he was silently saying, shit, maybe I shouldn’t be jumping to such intense conclusions so quickly. But still, he had to make sure, for himself. I understood that, in some ways. “I can’t help but question it.” He simply said. “Do you realise that’s a little offensive?” I bit back quickly. “I don’t mean to offend you but-” “No, not offensive to me.” I cut him short. “Offensive to Harry!” From the new expression on his face I could tell he had no idea what I was talking about, not a clue what I meant by that statement, he couldn’t even muster any words to reply to it. So I explained myself. “Your son, is one the most kind, genuine, funny, incredible people I have ever met in my life. He is incredible, and you must know that more than anyone!” I pointed out, and he slowly exhaled. “If you make him feel like all his friends are after one thing, he’s going to doubt himself, and he doesn’t deserve that! He’s such an amazing person. And you know he is. It’s offensive to say no one is there for him and what he’s like, when he’s a fucking incredible person.” I had tried my very best not to swear but I couldn’t help it, the word just flew from my mouth so naturally it was unavoidable. It always was with me. Once more, I had rendered him speechless, which to be honest I was quite glad of. He had no idea what to say to that, obviously never having viewed his actions in that way. I couldn’t help but think of what his words may have done to Harry. If this was a conversation he’d had with his son before, I knew full well that would have affected Harry. He would have felt so low, questioning if he was nice enough to deserve the friends he did have or if they were just there for one reason, and Harry kept his distance from people enough as it was without someone breathing down his neck that they could be there for the wrong reasons. Also, since Louis had told me it had actually happened previously, I was sure Harry questioned it enough all by himself, without his own father making him feel badly about it. Sometimes, I would learn new things about Harry and it would put into perspective just how difficult so many parts of his life were. “Do you see what I mean?” I asked after the silence dragged on too long. “I... I suppose.” He spoke quietly. “I’m in love with your son. There isn’t an ounce of me that doesn’t love him. And that’s all there is. I couldn’t give a fuck about his money.” Did I just swear again? For fuck sake. “I can tell he loves you.” Des couldn’t look me in the eye as he spoke. “And it just worries me. You have to understand why I’m paranoid about my son.” “Of course I understand. I’m sorry, I don’t mean to shun that. But... you didn’t even say hello to me.” More shame, reddening his skin now, making him run a hand through his hair as he tried to look me in the eye, only managing for a split second before they dropped back to the floor. “I’m sorry.” He spoke. “I just... He’s my boy. I don’t see him. I don’t know how to deal with it, sometimes.” I was glad I hadn’t shouted, or been rude to him, despite my anger, because I realised then that the man ahead of me genuinely just missed his son. He didn’t see him as much as he’d like, and I imagined that was the case already when he divorced Anne, never mind when Harry took on the world at the tender age of sixteen. I had to feel sorry for him in a way, though his intentions were true, they weren’t best executed. Maybe, I had even helped him a little. “Well I think I see him enough for the both of us.” I joked. That earnt me a shy little smile, sniffed through his nose with a slight shake to his head. Maybe I was already in his good books, more so than I thought I was. “I’m sorry if I was a bit... hostile.” I said. “I’m pretty protective of our relationship. I hope you don’t think I’m rude...” “No. Not at all.” He smiled. “I kind of like that you put me in my place. At least you’re not a push-over.” Oh shit. He has warmed to me. Shit. “So... you don’t think I’m...” “Not from what I can see right now. You hold yourself pretty well. I like to think I’d be able to tell if you were after his money. You don’t seem that way.” Well. Looks like I’ve warmed to him, too. I put my hand to him, seeing him glance at my straightened fingers as I waited for him to shake my hand, giving him a cheeky smile as I did. “Let’s do this properly.” I grinned. “I’m Anna.” His grin was wide and real. He leant forward, rolling his shoulders as though rolling away the previous feel of our conversation and welcoming this new one, welcoming this new interaction. “Des.” He shook my hand. “And according to my son, I’m your future father-in-law.” “Did he really say that to you? That’s… a little scary.” I faked a grimaced, with a hint of real grimace. “You’re telling me.” He chuckled. “He keeps talking about bloody marriage! He’s… such a romantic.” That weight that had landed firm on my shoulders the very second we opened the door to him, had been lifted so quickly it almost left me with a bit of a headache, my head almost feeling as though it was compressing but it was such a good thing, such an amazing feeling. I had no idea when things became so incredibly easy for myself and Harry. Everything changed so quickly, and we went from feeling as though we were fighting tooth and nail to everything just feeling so weightless, like we were drifting together in calm waters, past the tides and deadly waterfalls. Just drifting. Simple. Clean. That’s how it felt. “So,” I spoke again. “How much do you reckon we can freak Harry out?” “What do you mean?” He smirked, already amused. “I think we go in there all guns blazing, pretending that we’re in the middle of a giant argument. Just to freak him out. That could be fun.” A belly laugh hollowed his body, making his neck snap backwards and his hand slam to the bottom of his stomach, more than amused by my mischievous plan. Still mid chuckle, he extended his hand out to me once more, waiting until I grabbed hold of it in a firm shake before he spoke. “Welcome to the family, Anna.” - March 29th The sight that only a year ago had been so uncomfortable for me was now something I found myself warming to. Looking out to the bare fields, darkness shrouding them with only slight twinkles of light radiating in the distance like dotted stars was something I found myself warming to. Only a year ago, the emptiness made me feel incredibly uncomfortable, and I begged to get back into the city. I couldn’t even believe how different I felt now. I felt it was spurred by all the changes in my life over the past year. Solitude now felt like safety, which truly was something I craved. It was nice to be in places that felt so far from London. The car moved slowly as we neared the building where the private events were held, the cars beginning to line as we slowly neared the incredible building. Harry sat on the other side of the car to me in the back, our fingers linked in the centre of the seats. “Strange isn’t it?” He grabbed my attention. “How much things can change in a year?” I smiled shyly to him, my eyelashes fluttering down as I cast my mind to how incredibly eventful our year had been. We had been together, then apart, then together, then apart, and on the spiral. We were finally happy. Even the thought of the event last year was astonishing. We weren’t even speaking, too scared of the feelings we had developed for one another, Harry didn’t even glance to me once, though I knew he had seen me. I remembered him being angry, hating how sexual me and Alex were in the ‘I Wanna Be Yours’ video. It had been a year since he fucked me to that song. I began blushing at the memory. It was so surreal, thinking of him dragging me to his car, so worked up, so angry and frustrated and threatened by the way he felt. I guess it had officially been a year now, since we decided to really make a go of things, after that night everything seemed to fall into place. Harry squeezed my hand, seemingly thinking of the same things I was as he smiled out of the window, the beautiful building glowing under lights that beamed up to it. “I love you.” Harry mumbled. I knew I didn’t even need to return the words, he knew. I just smiled to him, admiring him dressed as he was. His black jeans were incredibly tight, but thanks to the deep red shirt and the black blazer he still looked incredibly formal, and incredibly beautiful. I was wearing a tight dress, relatively short, up to my neck at the front but backless, long floating sleeves that seemed to make even the slightest hand gesture dramatic. And of course, killer heels. It felt nice being there with Harry, meeting everyone else there but it was nice arriving with him, still gripping his hand as we finally pulled up outside the building, my mind continuing to flash back to the previous year and the emotions I felt at that time. Harry turned and looked at me, giving me an encouraging smile, which he somehow knew I needed before I was even aware of it. “Ready, Honey?” “Yeah. Good luck.” I wished. “Thank you.” Harry and the boys were up for an award that marked growth in artists, which apparently at that very event, had once been won by The Beatles. My fingers were firmly crossed. I was thankful, yet again, for exactly how private those awards were. I needn’t worry of pictures or articles or anything of the sort. I was fine to just be myself and breathe a heavy sigh of comfort. I was more at ease this year than the previous, I just felt like there was less to be nervous about. No video previews. I didn’t need to fear bumping into Harry. There was nothing like that. It was a nice relief. We wandered inside, still hand in hand, and my eyes once more fell to incredible chandelier that glimmered heavy above our heads, and much to my joy, I found Harry doing the same thing, just as mesmerized by it as I was. When we walked past it and neared the stairs, Harry lazily leaned down to my ear, brushing his lips tenderly to my lobe. “You look incredible tonight, Honey.” ----- The evening was going well, as expected, the event full of class and just an incredible atmosphere to it. It wasn’t often I found myself in places like that, dressed that way, feeling that way, so I was making the very most of it whilst it lasted. It was the interval part stage to the night, giving the opportunity for drinks to flow a little more freely and for conversations to flow freely. I stood away from the table slightly, talking to Alex one on one for the first time in what felt like forever. “I missed having you silently encourage me before we won.” He said. “Oh really?” I giggled. “Yeah. It was nice having you on our table last year. Feels a bit empty without you there. Damn Styles practically stole you off me.” He joked. I gave him a playful tap on the arm, giggling at him as he smirked to himself. With every memory and every interaction, it seemed to prove to me more and more exactly how much things had changed. “Well I hope Rachel is good company.” I smiled. “Of course she is.” He almost blushed. “She always is.” I loved their relationship so much I just prayed every day that it would last. They weren’t even very similar, but they just worked, for some reason they fit, they suited each other and brought out the best in one another, which is always admirable. “Anna?” “Yeah?” “Will you be in the videos? For the next album? When it’s done?” I appreciated him asking me, in fact I think I was flattered, the fact they still wanted me around, still wanted me to be a part of their incredible band in some way. I loved that. But still. “I think... maybe I need to make my own career. Something that will last.” I spoke quite sadly. “Do you have any ideas?” He quizzed. “Nope.” I laughed at myself. “I have no idea.” “Until then, be in the videos. Please, Anna. It probably won’t happen for another few years, so… just see how you feel at the time. If you’re… quiet, you can be AM Girl again. If you want.” I moved and hugged him tight, his body easing to mine in seconds, which never used to happen with Alex but he had softened so much over a year. He seemed more real, and I liked him plenty before that. Now, somehow, he was even better. “I’m so glad I bumped into you in Leeds that night!” I breathed. “Me too, Love.” The conversation came to an end and we moved back to our own tables. I really loved that boy. I sat down next to Harry, just smiling to myself, feeling so overwhelmingly happy. I could see him grinning at me from the chair beside me, his mind having left the conversation he was part way through with the rest of the lads I just smiled to the floor, seeing him stare from the very corner of my eye. He moved closer, his lips hot against my ear, his chest practically pushing against my shoulder. “Are you happy?” His deep voice vibrated my chest. I turned so that my lips were close to his, smiling still, feeling the heat radiate from him. I nodded. “Are you?” I questioned. “Of course. I’m here with you.” He pressed a momentary kiss to my lips, before pulling from me, leaving my skin a brand new shade of pink. Which was just about to increase even further. He turned and continued to become a part of the conversation with the boys, his hand giving the top of my thigh a slight squeeze under the table and then resting there, casually speaking to the boys as his palm and long fingers on my bare thigh made me boil over, loving whenever his skin met mine. His hand lay there still for a short while, before he almost started to kneed his palm into me, like he was massaging my skin, his fingers digging into me with almost a harsh force. I couldn’t help myself as I cleared my throat and pulled my chair a little further under the table, relaxing under his touches. He liked my reaction. And he wanted to spur me further. Slowly, with hot skin on skin, he began trailing his hand a little higher, edging up and up my thigh, everyone at the table blissfully unaware of what was going on as we both tried to remain as casual as possible, trying to keep our appearances nonchalant. Upwards he moved, speaking a few uninteresting words to Louis but I could barely even make out what anyone was saying at this point as I widened my legs just slightly, giving him access to me, if he wanted. Which, apparently, he did. He moved that final distance, and found me, already wet and wanting. He bit his lip and inhaled heavily, faltering slightly before he leaned and whispered to me, his voice low and grunted. “No knickers? Such a dirty girl.” He moved away from me once more, leaving me even more speechless than I already was as two fingers tickled at my entrance, playing with the wet area a little, lifting some of the juices and rubbing them across my clit. I was trying my very best, and nobody seemed to have noticed a thing, but it came so incredibly difficult as Harry began rubbing sweet circles to me, making me quiver in appreciation. I closed my eyes for a second, almost letting out a moan until I remembered where we were, what situation we were in. Harry had a smirk in the corner of his lips, so pleased with himself. I imagined he was hard under the table to, just waiting for me to reach out and touch him. You’re not the only person who can tease, Styles. So I didn’t reach for him, that could be his own punishment. He kept pushing, taking me close, so close, desperately close as my breathing became so stupidly hot and uneven, it was becoming increasingly difficult to hide the encounter. Harry moved down, slotting two fingers into me, making me squeal and flinch a little, but thankfully no one seemed to notice. Other than Harry of course. He curved his fingers inside me, chuckling deeply to himself, leaning back to my ear. I turned my head slightly, his breath hitting my neck before his words stimulated my skin. “You’re going to make a mess of that chair, Honey.” Without any more warning than that, he took himself from my insides, leaving me feeling completely bare now that he wasn’t touched to me, now there was zero contact between us. I literally hated it. My instinct was to shut my legs, feeling my orgasm could still possibly take me. So I gripped my legs shut and bit my lip, trying to calm myself. I glanced Harry’s way and he was looking back to me. He took the two fingers that had just left me, and slid them into his mouth, licking off everything I had left there. I think my mouth may have dropped a little, just watching him do that, wondering if I tasted good to him, wondering how much he wanted me. He smirked, impressed with our private playtime that had gone completely unrecognized by the group, who continued talking to each other and laughing around. Harry moved and placed an innocent kiss to my lips, giving my thigh a tight squeeze one last time. “I’ll finish you later, Gorgeous.”

[moon-yean]

Review: Maximilian

Sooo here are my lenghty (and gif-heavy) thoughts on Maximilian: Das Spiel von Macht und Liebe. Will contain some spoilers.

synopsis:

1477. When the Duke of Burgundy dies in battle, Mary, his only child, intends to rule over the duchy despite the rule of male succession. As the richest heiress in Europe, the sharp-minded young woman is coveted by many suitors. Mary resists the citizens of Ghent who, spurred by the French King Louis XI, try to force her into a marriage with Louis’ son Charles, a boy of poor health and a weak mind. At the same time, Maximilian of Habsburg, the young Austrian archduke, stubbornly opposes his father, the Roman Emperor Frederick III, who also wants his son to marry the young Duchess of Burgundy.

And so the conflict between France, Austria and Burgundy begins.

And in the midst of it all: Mary.

(you might have to wait a few moments before all the gifs in this post have loaded!)

Cast / Characters

Right. Let’s take a look at the cast and characters first (just some of them, the ensemble is huge).

I liked the whole cast so I don’t really want to single out a performance. Mary’s character starts out stronger than Maximilian’s but the focus shifts towards the end and he’s ultimately the one with the better arc (going from a stubborn hothead to someone able to take on responsibility). Hers is basically fulfilled once they get married (going from a stubborn ice queen to someone able to find joy in a fate she can’t change) which is slightly disappointing. They did a good job building her up as a strong character but it’s at odds with the realities she’s faced with - namely the pressure from the citizens and the role she is assigned as a woman. I really liked how the show highlighted how and why life might have been difficult for women at court, not just in the character of Mary but also in that of Margaret of York, her stepmother, or Johanna of Hallewyn, her lady-in-waiting/friend. It also becomes apparent in the scenes at the French court: King Louis XI even goes so far as to tell his daughter Anne de Beaujeau that he wishes she had been born a boy. Patriarchy can inconvenience men as well, in this case because Louis (and everyone else) thinks that his son Charles is an idiot unfit to rule which makes Louis and his wife desperate to have another son who can succeed him to the throne. 

They have one, François, but - spoiler alert - he dies as an infant. The show takes a lot of leeway with the historical timelines but it does so to great effect, in my opinion. Making this event concurrent to the power struggle over Burgundy lends a lot more urgency and meaning to the proceedings: It’s crazy to think how much the consolidation of power hinged on maintaining a dynasty without a weak link in the chain; the pressure on every person must have been immense. We see this with Charles who is a brat but also a victim (the scene where we wets himself because they force him into a room with a woman to “become a man” is horrifying).

As for the side characters, I must admit that I really enjoyed the subplot with Johanna and Wolf and although I expected to ship Maximilian/Mary because they’re a historical OTP, I ended up more invested in their servants. They were cute.

But Maximilian/Mary were cute as well. I just think that the build-up was better with them than the pay-off.

Script

I’ve already said that I liked the writing for the characters so let me just add a few words about the writing in general: There were some clunky bits of dialogue but overall it was pretty decent for German screenwriting which might be because it was actually written by an Austrian (this is an Austrian-French production after all). They often create better-flowing dialogue. I liked that there was a good amount of humor in it, especially when it comes to the culture clash. The first feast with the Austrians and the Burgundians is hilarious. The only dramatic scene that really stands out to me in terms of writing in retrospect is a scene that I have already alluded to: The one where we learn that the baby boy of King Louis XI has died. 

The writing in that scene is very simple. But together with the imagery and the music, it creates an incredible atmosphere. We see smoke billowing into the dark sky. Then we see burning wood. A beautiful but solemn choir is singing. And then we hear Anne de Beaujeau’s voice and later see that she is talking to her sister Jeanne de Valois (I tried to translate it but it still sounds a bit clumsy in English, sorry about that):

It’s impossible to recreate the impression that the scene leaves. But there are several bits of concise and poignant writing in the script. Moments that lend some weight to the story. What they also do: Prevent the antagonists from being painted as villains. Yes there are antagonists, mostly King Louis XI and his henchman Philippe de Commynes, but they are allowed to have solid reasoning  and understandable motives. The Austrian court is just as dark and uninviting a place as the French court, in fact, it’s a lot darker and more “primitive”. Frederick III is presented on the same level of ambiguity as Louis XI. Two old monarchs trying to save their legacies. The younger characters are allowed to serve some heroism but even they struggle with circumstance and how it shapes the decisions of an individual.

On that note: All the political maneuvering is well-done in the script but I could see people getting confused by the different factions and settings. Which is why I thought that the slow pacing of the first episode was good. But the show can’t maintain it. The build-up to the meeting of Maximilian and Mary is amazing and they meet late. Unfortunately, that doesn’t leave much time in the last episode to show them getting to know each other and fall in love. The scenes that they have are well-done but the pacing over the whole mini series is just uneven. That’s a shame and makes me wonder if some stuff landed on the cutting room floor. (Like, I wasn’t expecting a huge battle as the climax but they should have done juuust a little more and even if it had just been more impressionistic shots; too much fade to black and time-jumping towards the end.)

Atmosphere

What I really loved was the whole atmosphere: The gloomy cinematography, the music, the costuming… for me it struck the right balance between being gritty/realistic and distinctly historical and pretty (which is not to say that it’s historically accurate because I don’t know about that; but historical fiction is more about feeling than fact anyway). I just wish they had distinguished the different geographical locations better visually. Sometimes it was a bit difficult to keep up with what was happening and where. Ghent was done best imo.

I also loved the POV perspective with which the sword fight was filmed (which was the best action piece... fitting, since Maximilian was the “last knight”).

Here, have some more impressions:

This mini series is just beyond gorgeous. Very dark in many places which makes gif-ing a bit difficult but still, amazingly filmed. I’ll probably repost some of these gifs as separate gif sets because otherwise it’d be a waste.

Conclusion

I REALLY RECOMMEND THIS, despite a few shortcomings (that mainly have to do with - not enough time -).

In Germany, it will air on ZDF on consecutive nights from 1-3 October 2017 at 10 pm! If it’s not been shown in France yet, keep your eyes peeled, because I’m sure it will be (half of it was filmed in French and it’s a French co-production so... one would hope so). A German-language DVD will be available on amazon.de starting on 4 October.

[yaz-the-spaz]

Let’s play a game called looking at things objectively (and not with 1D/Ziam/Larry goggles on)

I get that a lot of people are angry at/resentful of the beards and a lot of the time I am too but it's important to remember that Perrie's story is very different from most of the other beards, who came into things most likely of their own accord and on their own terms, and not as young and naive teenagers forced into signing a contract by the same shitty manipulative people from the same shitty manipulative tv show preying on desperate kids that 1D was

Just for fun let’s go through all the big things that people in this fandom criticize Perrie for (putting the rest under the jump cause this got hella long):

#1) She’s “extra” and an attention whore

Reminder: Perrie was under the same contract with Modest/Syco the entire time she and Zayn were together and therefore obligated (just like Zayn was) to participate in stunts

Said stunts were NOT her idea; she was  repeatedly photoshopped and also directed and told where to stand and how to look, etc. for photo-ops just like Zayn was (This Is Us premiere video anyone?)

There’s this persistent idea within the fandom that she was complicit in stunts just because she appeared to be more willing/like she was putting in more of an effort than Zayn. I want to stress that appearing more believable doesn’t mean that she was more willing - just because someone seems to be playing along well doesn't mean they're a willing participant. I think a lot of this type of thinking stems from people directing their misguided anger over the situation at her (as opposed to at Syco/mgmt where it should be) - again I wanna stress this was a situation that she had no more control over than Zayn did. Just because she was better at selling it than Zayn sometimes doesn’t mean she necessarily liked it anymore than he did

I also want to point out that she had her share of times where it was clear she was putting on a fake smile and/or wasn’t interested/happy which people often miss because they’re not as familiar with Perrie or her expressions as they are with Zayn’s, or they just don’t bother to look into it at all

For example let’s compare these smiles here with these smiles here which to me look pretty forced (interestingly enough these are some of the few that Zayn actually looks quite convincing in lol)

There’s also this idea that she started out less than enthused/willing about the the situation but became more complicit in it with time, which again I think stems from the same thinking as above with the misguiding anger/blame. But based on what I’ve seen I would argue that she was no more willing at the end of it than she was in the beginning either

If you look at videos of her talking about the engagement she honestly seemed just as apathetic and 100% done as Zayn did most of the time when she answered and even more recently both she and the other girls consistently tried to swerve on the Zerrie break-up questions whenever they were brought up (also wanna point out how she looks pretty much the exact opposite of broken up over the end of her relationship in that second vid lmao). That's not the behavior of someone who's all of a sudden willing to participate. The only difference is it just doesn't get highlighted because a lot of the fandom doesn't pay attention to her since they see her as the villain (and feel the need to demonize her just for being involved even though it wasn’t her choice)

For example in this video she seems extremely sarcastic and apathetic almost the entire time she’s talking about the "wedding” - not at all the attitude you’d expect from a supposedly excited bride-to-be

And then there’s this gem where again she seems super apathetic while immediately shutting down any questions about it and interestingly the interviewer seems to imply the topic might have even gotten blacklisted (I wonder why? Could it be because mgmt knew she wasn’t “selling it” very well either???)

#2) She uses Zayn’s fame to her advantage

Reminder: Perrie was subject to the same manipulative bullshit the boys of 1D were, she was coached on what to say and how to say it to push a certain image and angle (and also just as likely as the boys to have had her words twisted and taken out of context)

Bringing up Zayn in an interview is not reflective of Perrie using his fame to her advantage (as a lot of people on here like to argue), that is her team/mgmt forcing her to say certain things (sometimes even in a certain way) that they can then use to their advantage while simultaneously creating a certain image of her in people's minds (for example, as the innocent victim [previous years] or the bitter ex who can't let go [more recently])

Sound familiar? That’s because it’s a tried and true PR tactic and an especially tried and true Modest/Syco tactic. We’ve seen it happen with the boys over and over again yet with Perrie it gets dismissed as her “looking for attention” or “using his fame for her own advantage” as opposed to her being told/made to say these things to push the official narrative, which is what it actually is

#3) She’s racist (and dumb)

This is probably the main/biggest reason a lot of people have for hating her and on the surface it’s understandable but let’s break down the evidence shall we?

Most people cite the time she called Zayn and his family Indian in this totally verifiable and trustworthy magazine (can you hear me rolling my eyes?)

First off one of the biggest things we always reiterate in this fandom is DO NOT TRUST PRINT VERSIONS OF THE BOYS. So why then would we accept something that “print” Perrie has said in one random print interview as 100% Bonafide Certifiable Truth™??? Four words: Confirmation Bias and Double Standards. Perrie, as far as I know, has never referred to Zayn or his family as Indian in any other video interviews, performances, or on social media (or even in any other print interview for that matter). It was literally just the one time and on some shady ass news site no less - which leads me to believe that either the “interviewer” fucked up or someone in mgmt fucked up as far as coming up with a decent quote - and people jumped all over it because it confirmed what they wanted to believe, that Perrie is somehow the Devil Incarnate™ for being involved in something she again had no choice over and most likely didn’t even say out of her own mouth

As for the cultural appropriation allegations, I wanna make it clear I don’t condone that shit and as far as this whole post goes I do want to point out that I am a POC and the absolute last person to defend white people when it comes to their racist shit (check my #racism, #black lives matter, and #black excellence tags if you don’t believe me) so don’t even try to come at me with any “stop defending the racist little white girl” bs 

However, I do want to point how fishy it is that even after being called out for cultural appropriation multiple times her team continues to style her (clothes, hair, make-up) in traditional non-white styles (dread locks, indian and native american-like make-up and clothes, etc.) for promo and music videos knowing full-well, I’m sure, the reaction it’s going to provoke, which is why I think it’s important to bring up something we saw with 1D

Remember how they planned out down to the exact colors how each boy would be dressed to push a certain image? There’s no doubt in my mind that there’s a similar theme at play here 

Her team knows it will rile people up and get their attention on Perrie and LM and as the saying goes “no press is bad press” which by extension makes me suspect of the culturally appropriating things she’s done outside of music-related events, on social media for example. Were they really her idea/something she did on her own and decided to post or were they stunts used to push a larger narrative of Perrie as the “dumb racist blonde?” We’ll probably never know but given how we’ve seen seen clothing styles and especially social media posts being used to push official narratives (like Liam and Louis being homophobic) in the past, I have to admit I’m skeptical of it being all on her, especially considering the fact that I’ve never seen/heard her say anything racist out of her own mouth (although feel free to correct me if there’s proof otherwise) and that if she did I have a feeling Leigh or Jade would likely immediately call her out on it. And as we’ve learned with the boys when projected images of a person don’t match up with the things they actually do and say in real life that’s when thing start to get sketchy

In conclusion I think it’s time we stop acting like Perrie and LM haven’t had to deal with some of the same shit as 1D over the years

 All ll I’m doing is taking the same exact logic we’ve used in analyzing the boys and the shit we’ve seen happen to them and applying it to Perrie and LM who, having been under the same mgmt and label, were and still are subject to much of the same bs

[speakmindfully]

Be careful what you wish for

I guess God really does give you what you ask for sometimes. I wished for someone to come back to me and they did, but I’m not entirely sure that I want him anymore. A lot has changed, I have grown a lot emotionally and mentally and now us being together is a little weird. I’m accepting his return but hesitantly and I don’t really know how I feel.

All the things I want to do with him I still want to do, but not as badly anymore, and I still care about him, but not as much as I used to, and I feel less intense things about him. He’s shaped up as a person, he’s acting the way he always should have acted around me now, treating me the way I always should’ve been treated, but it’s nothing spectacular. That’s the thing, it’s better, way better than before, but it’s finally the way it SHOULD be. He hasn’t done anything over the top yet which is I guess why I’m not impressed but like I’m just not. It’s not enough yet and I don’t know if it will be from him. It might be too little too late.

Some other things I’d noticed, a lot of stuff gets under my skin that isn’t him. Like his friends. A lot pisses me off about the people he surrounds himself with and it really bugs me. Some of them are just, like not people I want to be around they’re rude and dirty and believe me I don’t want to be around a bunch of goody-two-shoes but you can tell a decent person when you meet one. Some of the people he’s friends with just do not acknowledge my presence at all; I’m just an accessory to Louis and it’s so rude. Like I’m nobody’s bitch and if you’re gonna have to be around me you best be able to hold a conversation with me. Some of these guys just straight up ignore me like who tf does that. Some of his friends like Logan and Niko and Anesu are super nice, like really nice. They talk to me like I’m an individual separate from Louis and will say hello and talk to me if they just see me walking around. That is what a decent person would do, that’s what my friends would do so it just makes me think those people aren't the nicest. It’s gonna sound conceited but I rarely come across someone I can’t get along with. So when people I don’t even or hardly know can’t vibe with me right off the bat despite being nice and bubbly, idk fam.

It’s weird because it pisses me off but it’s not him actually doing anything. It’s not even him it’s people he’s around. I don’t trust them, so naturally I don’t quite trust him either. It’s like, how can you surround yourself with snakes and not be one yourself? It doesn't really work like that does it? Not that his friends are bad people or anything, but like, the way they are with me and the stories I’ve heard and the way they are with girls is just, it’s gross. I get being young yeah go get what you want and do what you want but like be respectful. LIKE OK, I keep comparing to the guys we met at UVA, neither of them even went to UVA but man they were decent people. Like they were cute, smart, charismatic, and could easily get any chick they wanted to. One of them was definitely getting around but he was like respectful y’know? They both were, they were both super just decent respectful nice guys and they set the standard I guess for guys now.

Idk I just want to start being around some more decent people and I don’t know if his friends are that, and then it just leads you to think, is he really that far behind them? Like I don’t know anymore. I don’t want to jump to conclusions because I don’t know his friends all that well, but we grew up with some of these people, like some of them have reputations y’know? I don’t necessarily want to be close with his friends because a girl doesn’t have to be close with her boyfriend’s friends and a guy doesn’t have to be close with his girl’s friends it’s actually kind of weird. But there’s like this golden medium where they talk to you when you two are together and it’s not this awkward thing, and will say a genuine hello if you see them by yourself, but I can’t find it. It’s like the comfort of being “one of the guys” when you’re with your man and his friends, and acting like you’re one of their friends if you see each other in public places. Y’all won't go out of your way to see his friends and stuff on your own, but if you run into them it’s like hey what’s up, y’know?

Idk that to me seems like a really cool thing and maybe I’m just not with the right person to see it, and I guess I’ll have to learn that through my own mistakes, but at least I’m not so emotionally invested this time that I’ll get my heart shattered over it. Not this time, if it ends I foresee it being on my watch and I will not have a busted heart over it. My heart’s been broken too many times by this one guy it just literally cannot be broken over him anymore. It’s like cleaning out a pumpkin; all the guts are out so now you’re just scraping the walls, no more seeds to rake out. Scrape all you want at this point.