#I think he grasps the concept I just have to explicitly say it because we’re both dumbasses | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

sundaysundaes · 4 years ago

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Spectra

Lee Donghyuck/Haechan X Reader/Female OC | Romance, Eventual Smut, Fluff | NC-17 | Soulmate AU, Childhood-Friends-Become-Lovers AU

The second part of Monochrome. Read the epilogue here.

Summary: Lee Donghyuck once believed in the concept of soulmates—how fate would connect a red thread from one lover to another, in a form of dreams and memories. That was how his parents met, that was how they claimed their happiness, and he wanted nothing more but to live his life the way they lived theirs. Until one day, as he sees her slipping away from his hands, he has no choice but to stop believing entirely.

Donghyuck woke up with his heart in his throat. His eyes, as they bore into the ceilings of his room, swallowed by the darkness, were shaking in both fear and rapture. Two things occupied his mind, forcibly pushing his other thoughts away and rendered them pointless.

First, he knew it wasn’t just a dream. Like what she’d previously mentioned, it felt nothing like a dream. He was completely aware of everything, perfectly sane, and could thoroughly remember every detail, every scene, every word that she said even after he woke up.

Second, he was certain that it was a memory, and although he was in it, he knew it was her memory and not his, because there were parts of it that felt vague to him before but were crystal clear now as he saw it through her point of view. He had his first soulmate dream, there was no doubt about it.

So that brought him to the next question.

Why did he dream about her? She’d found her soulmate, hadn’t she? And she had explicitly stated many times that her soulmate was not him, but a complete stranger—one that she only knew by his face and not his name. So, wasn’t he supposed to be connected to someone else—to see someone else’s memories?

He leaned up, sitting on his bed with his elbows sinking into his thighs, his fingers yanking at the roots of his hair. “Fuck, I don’t get it,” he whispered to himself, feeling a little bit lightheaded from all these unsolved questions swirling in his brain. “Am I her soulmate? Do I still have the chance to be with her?”

But even a chance would be enough, he soon decided. Even just reliving her memories every night, knowing her better, seeing her longer, that would be enough reasons for him to continue with his hope.

Perhaps, he could believe in soulmates for a little longer.

There were a few short memories he saw in his first soulmate dream, most of them were from her childhood days which made him feel content to the point he wanted to never wake up because these flashbacks always had him in them. He was an integral part of her childhood memories, the one who shaped her into the person that she was now.

But the memory that shook him the most was the memory of the time they went to the beach during their summer vacation with his family. Donghyuck watched himself sneak out of their cottage in his grey hoodie placed underneath a beige varsity jacket. He saw a few months younger version of himself, grinning from ear-to-ear, as he shouted in whispers.

“Come on, Noona, hurry up!”

“Haechannie, it’s two in the morning!”

The sight of her had always warmed his heart, but in this dream he was having, her beauty seemed almost ethereal as if her entire being was a piece of art with the sole purpose of being loved and admired.

“Which is the more reason why we should hurry up before they find out, Noona, for God’s sake, come on!” He grasped her by the wrist, yanking her forward so he could close the door behind her. They stepped down the stairs in a hurry, their flip-flops making creaking sounds on the wooden surface.

“If your mom finds out and she—” She abruptly ended her sentence with a yelp as she tripped on her feet, clutching her arms around his shoulders for balance, pressing her chest involuntarily against his back. The boy threw a glance over his shoulder, clearly enjoying the way she had her arms wrapped tightly around his body. Smirking suggestively, he cooed, “Baby, you’re so aggressive. At least, buy me dinner first.”

“Asshole.” She retracted her hands at once, shoving him harshly until this time, he was the one who tripped down the stairs, falling face-first on the ground, inadvertently swallowing some sand into his mouth. She concealed her marbled teeth with her fingers as she giggled at the sight, but began to run for her life when he growled, “I’m going to kill you,” and chased after her trails with his arms reaching out to catch her.

The reason they had their feet dipped in the sand at two in the morning was simply because Donghyuck couldn’t sleep at the sight of her curling beside him on the thin mattress that was laid out in the living room. The cottage only had three rooms, one was used by his parents, another one was supposed to be used by her and his twin sister, and the last one was for him and his two younger brothers to snuggle up together in a cramped bed. But Donghyuck had insisted to sleep outside so he could watch a movie before bed and his parents didn’t mind, even if his neighbor ended up joining him in the middle of the night upon his request.

So when she fell asleep next to him, her face almost sinking into the crook of his neck, and her hand laying on his stomach, mistaking him as her usual body pillow, Donghyuck had to distract himself before he thought about doing something sinful. So he shook her by the shoulder, told her to wipe the drool away from her face, and asked her to follow him outside, mentioning that he suddenly had the urge to stargaze. And although a train of complaints kept tumbling down her lips, she followed—she always did, no matter where he led her to.

“What are you doing?” He questioned the girl who stood next to him, looking like she wanted him to do something. “Sit down next to me, come on.”

“I’m waiting for you to be a gentleman.”

“What?”

“Aren’t you supposed to lay down your jacket on the ground so this lady right here won’t have sand on her shorts? You’re wearing two jackets, after all.”

“Yeah, but not for you to sit on it.” Donghyuck, who had already sat down on the damp sand, rolled his eyes. “You watch too many dramas. Guys don’t do that in real life.”

“It’s you who don’t do that.” And with pouty lips, she quietly added, “Jaemin did that for me.”

“I heard that.”

“I wanted you to hear it.”

“And so how are things going on with this Jaemin so far? Is he still giving you sloppy blowjobs on the weekends?” He faked a gasp, one hand covering his mouth for dramatic effect. “Oh, I’m sorry, I forgot he broke up with you.” A cheeky grin crawled up his face. “On. Your. Fucking. Birthday.”

“Whatever.” She blushed. “At least, he’s hotter than you’ll ever be.”

He seemed more annoyed than he should, and she was on the verge of thinking whether her joke was going too far but Donghyuck exhaled loudly into the air, standing up on his feet again and tore his varsity jacket off his body. “Here,” he said, as he spread it out on the ground. “Your majesty.”

“Why, thank you, my prince.” She giggled, plopping down on the sand. “That wasn’t so hard, was it?”

And they ended up throwing playful kicks and punches to each other again like the other million times they did, before they finally laid side-by-side on the sand, sweaty and out of breath.

“Haechannie.”

“What?”

“Do you think we'll still do this after we get married and have kids?” She asked, gazing at the stars that gleamed radiantly in the black night sky.

“Us?” Donghyuck rubbed his nose, a speck of sand making his skin itchy. “Like, in bed? Well, I don’t know about you, but I think I might be into rough sex, but maybe after a few years deep into our marriage so you won’t—”

“Not us getting married, you idiot!” She grappled another handful of sand, threatening to throw it on his face but Donghyuck already had his arms raised in surrender. “I mean, do you see us hanging out like this when we already have our own families to think about?”

“I don’t like to think too much.” He nonchalantly shrugged. “It’s still way ahead in the future. I’d probably die an early death from being too rich and handsome, anyway.”

“You’d die from being too dumb.”

“I was talking about me, not you.” He swatted her hand away when she was about to shove him in the chest. “Speaking of getting married, why don’t we make a pact?” Though his heart was racing a bit faster, he kept his lopsided grin intact as they shared eye contact. “If, after we turn eighteen, we end up having no dreams of our soulmates, why don’t you and I get together?”

She unexpectedly blurted out laughing. “I can understand if you think that there’s a chance of me not having any soulmate, but the chance of me not finding anyone more decent than you as my husband? How dare you, Lee Donghyuck.”

“I’m just saying,” he repeated, turning on his stomach. “If by the time we turn thirty or something we still haven’t found anyone, why don’t you and I get married?”

“I thought we’ve promised somewhere along the way in our poor little friendship that we’d never talk about this again?”

“I think we’re mature enough to have this conversation by now. So, what do you think?”

She was still on the verge of laughing. “What I think about what, Haechannie, you’re being absolutely crazy and embarrassing—”

“Why is it so hard for you to just say yes and marry me?” He insisted, holding back a laugh himself because her smile was so contagious. “Is it seriously that gross for you to think of me as your husband?”

“It’s not that, it’s—Oh my God, okay,” she finally gave in, heaving the heaviest sigh before she sat up properly and turned toward him. “Look, you’re not exactly the most romantic person out there.”

“Hey,” he pouted, scowling a little. “I can be romantic. You just don’t know it yet because you’ve never seen me on a date.”

“Yeah? Then try me.”

“Try what?”

“Be romantic. Do something that can make my heart flutter for you, oh my mighty prince,” she jeered, throwing a challenging, mocking smile at him. “If you can make my heart skip a beat, I’ll marry you.”

He scoffed. “Man, I know you’re shy but you don’t have to challenge me with this pathetic dare if you want to marry me that bad.”

She stood up immediately. “I’m leaving.”

He was chuckling as he captured her by the wrist. “Okay, okay, I’m sorry, wait.” He tapped his chin, nibbling slightly on his bottom lip. “Let’s see… What should I do…. What should I—oh!”

She raised an eyebrow, seeing him stand up on his feet. “What are you doing?”

“I’m gonna take you dancing.” He offered her his hand and she stared at it with reluctance written in her eyes before she sighed and took it. He pulled her abruptly with all his strength to make her stumble on her feet, but he caught her just in time by circling his arms around her waist, leading her close until they’re chest-to-chest.

“Blushing yet?” He teased, smirking.

“I’m starting to think this is a bad idea,” she flatly said, pushing him away but he took her hand and placed it on his shoulder. “What are you doing?”

“As I said,” he paused, taking his phone out of the pocket of his jeans and running his thumb along the screen. He chose one of the acoustic songs in his music playlist—Ed Sheeran’s Thinking Out Loud which made her scrunch her nose in protest—turned his speaker to the highest volume and hid the phone in the pocket of his hoodie. “I’m gonna take you dancing.”

She snorted but followed his lead, landing both of her arms on his shoulders. “Why am I not surprised that your song choice is something from Billboard’s Top Twenty?”

“Oh, I’m sorry, I left my compilation of classic slow dance songs back at my house, along with my ballet shoes and my tutus.”

She narrowed her eyes at his sarcasm. “Okay, Ed Sheeran it is then.”

The first half of the song went by in what felt like hours to her from all the tension that arose between them. While she moved rather awkwardly, trying to match how his body slightly swayed from one side to another, Donghyuck smiled, softer than she could even begin to imagine, and gently asked, “Can I move closer?”

She could faintly feel his breath on her face even in their current position, but she gave a weak nod and answered, “S-sure.”

Donghyuck held back a grin. “Was that a stutter?”

She rolled her eyes. “Yeah, I do stutter from time to time, idiot. Everyone does that.”

“Okay, okay, geez. Cranky, much?”

“I’m just not sure if—” she took a sharp intake of breath when he suddenly leaned closer, his lips almost grazing against hers before he pulled away to give very little space between them. “You’re not playing fair,” she whispered, trying not to focus on his lips.

His eyes were half-lidded as he took in her features. “You didn’t make any rules.”

“I hate you.”

“Man, I was hoping you’d feel otherwise, but,” he guided her hands so they could circle themselves around his neck, as he moved his own lower on her body, resting on each side of her waist. “I only just started, so…”

She was breathing a little heavily, but not expanding the space between them, afraid to lose the game. She didn’t want to give him any more reason to ridicule her. “Right, so, what’s next? Because you’re not making me feel anything with this, Haechannie.”

He slowly brushed her bangs away from her eyes, his fingertips grazing against the soft skin of her temple. “Have I told you about the day when I realized I love you?”

That question almost rendered her frozen on her feet, but she caught herself at the last second. “A pick-up line?” She tried to pretend it didn’t have any effect on her by scoffing out loud. “Seriously?”

But Donghyuck was not laughing nor reciprocating in any teasing manner. His eyes were dark and deep, with all kinds of emotions swirling behind them. The tone he was using when he spoke his next words was filled with nothing but sincerity and candor.

“Maybe I’ve loved you since the first time we met, but…” He added a small chuckle as if he was shy and she wondered since when did he become such a good actor? “I guess I was too young, but I do remember that one time when I saw you and I thought,” he exhaled, reaching up a hand to cup her cheek before he pressed his temple against hers, “God, I gotta have her.”

She gulped hard, feeling her breath hitched in her throat. She just hoped he wouldn’t notice.

“You were wearing this beautiful red dress that I’d never seen you worn before, but it wasn’t just how pretty you looked that caught me off guard.” His words didn’t have as much effect on her as the tender way he regarded her with his deep, brown eyes, just utterly mesmerized by her everything. “It was the way you call my name with that adorable shy smile on your face, asking me about how you look and I just….” He leaned down so they’re eye-to-eye, with his fingers holding her face and his thumb caressing her cheek. “I just thought that maybe I want to keep you for myself. I want to hear you say my name, to show me that smile again, over and over—every day, for the rest of my life. I don’t want you to belong to someone else. I want to be the only one you can think about, both in your reality and your dreams.”

As if she was being hypnotized, her eyes began to solely focus on the way his mouth was shaping praises and terms of longing.

“I’ve never seen you as a friend, or a sister.” He was so close, so warm, so intoxicating. “I don’t think I’ve ever wanted anything—anyone—as much as I want you now and it fucking hurts to hear another guy’s name escaping your lips because I just really…” He sighed. “Really want you for myself. All of you. Your kindness, your warmth, your crazy bedhead, your stupid, silly grin whenever you won a game against me. I want everything, and I need you to feel the same way, to need me as much as I need you.”

“Haechannie, I—”

“Listen, Noona.” His voice sounded both pained and desperate. “I know you don’t feel the same way, you don’t have to tell me that but I just—I want to be selfish, even more than I already am, and let you know just how much I want to be with you,” his other hand traced along the dip of her spine, “and hold you,” the fingers that were cupping her cheek were now holding her by the chin, his thumb running along her lower lip, “and kiss you…”

She unconsciously parted her lips, perhaps putting her best effort to find her words but failed every time and the temptation that he felt to replace his finger with his own lips on her was too overwhelming so before anything went wrong, he pulled back and loudly yelled, “Okay, cut!”

The sudden loss of his touch on her body didn’t feel as disheartening to him as the look he saw on her face, and maybe the way the moonlight shone across her features was playing tricks on him, because she seemed… disappointed that he stopped.

Maybe she just got carried away with the moment. Or maybe she could tell that he was being honest the whole time, knowing that it was an actual confession rather than another crazy antic of his. And maybe she was about to give him the chance, to actually look at him in the same way he looked at her, to feel the way he felt about her, and…

And he ruined the moment.

“N-Noona?” He started when she fell quiet, hiding her eyes behind her bangs. “Are you—”

“It’s getting late,” she suddenly mentioned, bending down to grab his varsity jacket from the sandy ground and harshly pushed it toward him. “Let’s get back to the cottage. We need to catch some sleep.” And as she walked off, not glancing back to see whether he was following or not, Donghyuck noticed how red her face was even when there wasn’t enough lighting around them.

As a bystander in this memory, eighteen-year-old Lee Donghyuck felt a hollow forming inside his chest, swallowing his presence one-by-one until he ceased to exist because as he relived the situation for the second time in his life, he knew how badly he had screwed everything up. He had turned his honest confession into another teasing joke because he just wasn’t brave enough to take the risks—to tell her his actual feelings in fear of ruining the bond that they already had. He saw the look on her face vividly this time, and it wasn’t pure rejection. He had a hope, she was about to give in, and he lost his chance.

And now, as she fell harder for the stranger she met in her dreams, Donghyuck was nothing but a memory—one that she’d bury at the back of her mind, one that she’d pretend to never have existed in her life.

“You’re a fucking idiot, Hyuck,” he muttered under his breath before he blinked himself awake.

***

“Haechannie! Are you up yet?”

Donghyuck could hear a clanking sound on his window, perhaps from small rocks hitting the glass. Rubbing the headache away from the back of his head, he stepped down from the bed, taking heavy steps to greet the person standing on the other side of the window.

“Morning, sleepyhead,” his neighbor chirped with an excited smile, leaning half of her body forward, crossing over her window frame. He noticed how her eyes took a quick detour on his body, as he was not wearing any shirt, but she tried to act nonchalant about it. “A lady is gracing you with her presence, so get dressed.”

Usually, he would’ve said something flirty along the line of “But isn’t this how I always look like in your dreams?” But this time, he kept himself quiet, only sighing to himself as if he had troubles that he couldn’t talk about.

And she noticed. She always did. “Are you okay?”

“Just had a bad dream.” He shrugged, feeling sleepier than before he went to bed.

“I’m guessing, you haven’t met your soulmate yet?”

He hesitated. “Well, I saw you.”

She blinked, a bit startled, but she promptly laughed it off. “Right, must have sucked then. You were waiting for a pretty stranger and I popped out instead. Sorry about that.”

He tapped his fingers against the railing, somewhat agitatedly and impatient. “Noona, about last night when we accidentally kissed. Did it… make you feel something?”

He swore, she almost fell to the floor out of shock. Blood was rushing to her face, making her incoherent. “What—why—I thought we were going to pretend it didn’t happen—”

He knew it was probably a bad idea to question all this, but if he did have the chance to be with her, no matter how small it is, if she really did feel the same way, he had to know. He couldn’t make the same mistake again.

“I thought about your reaction after that kiss. I just want to know whether it made you feel something.” He was gripping the railings by then, sounding desperate, craving for her honesty. “Something about me.”

She sputtered, mouth gaping as she was rendered speechless. But before she could react any further, they both heard her mother calling her name. Donghyuck regarded it as a distraction, but to her, it was a lifesaver. Speaking in a sense of urgency, she said, “I gotta go.”

“Noona—”

“Haechannie.” The tone she was using was definite, not wanting to hear more words from him. “I think we should stop talking about it, especially when we’re a step closer to finding our soulmates.”

He frowned, feeling as if he just got impaled. “What are you—”

“I know his name now.” A weak smile appeared on her face. “I heard someone calling his name in my dream last night. That was what I was going to tell you.”

It appeared again, the hollow inside his chest, and it grew even bigger, sucking every part of him like a black hole. “So you’re going to pretend nothing happened between us?”

“Yes, because nothing happened between us,” she professed. “It was just an accident, Haechannie.” She seemed exhausted, almost as if answering his question was draining her physically. “None of us wanted that kiss to happen.”

Donghyuck glanced away, giving her the cold shoulder. “Sure. Whatever.”

She sighed, tired of his behavior. “Look, maybe you’re just confused because of everything that happened last night, what with us spending time alone holding hands, me giving you that locket with those words—maybe we crossed the line and I apologize for that since half of it was my fault. But whatever it is that you think is happening between us will disappear the second you meet your soulmate in your dream,” she claimed, using a tone like how a mother would console her crying child. “I don’t ever want to be apart from you but if being with me makes you feel awkward and uncomfortable, maybe it’s best if we keep our distance for now?”

He gaped, his heart almost leaping out of his chest. “No! That’s not what—”

Her mother’s voice rang through the air again, making her flinch. “Look, I really gotta go,” she softly said with a timid smile. “We’ll talk later?”

And before he could answer, she already stepped away from her window. She didn’t look back until she had her fingers curving against her doorknob. “Oh, and umm,” she paused, looking unsure before she looked sideways. “His name is Mark Lee, my soulmate. Just thought you should know.”

And she left, trampling on his heart with every step she took.

***

There was an invisible wall between them, and no matter how hard Donghyuck tried to tear it apart, it wouldn’t budge so instead of fixing things, he decided to give her the time and space she needed.

Because what else could he have done? She had already rejected him before he could even confess properly—or for real, this time around. It was as if she was scared to give in to her feelings, which made him feel even more confident that she had felt something for him. She was just too lost in this whole soulmate concept that it blinded her entirely, while he, on the other hand, had begun to stop believing in it and dwell himself deeper in reality rather than his dreams.

But when one of his bandmates, Lee Jeno, announced that his cousin was going to come in to temporarily fill the position of lead guitar player in their band, Donghyuck had no other choice but to believe that fate did take part in connecting a red thread from one lover to another. Because, standing in a pair of jeans and a black shirt with his eyes half-covered by his white snapback, was Mark Lee—her soulmate.

Donghyuck could tell that he was the same Mark Lee she mentioned because he had seen her drawings of him. It had taken her weeks before she could finish his sketch, drawing him solely based on the memories she had witnessed in her dreams and though it wasn’t a hundred percent accurate, she did manage to sketch his distinct features—his prominent cheekbones, his thin, curvy lips, his wide, doe eyes.

The sight of him, standing just two meters away from him, sent chills down his spine.

“Hey guys,” Mark said, giving them a tentative smile. Even his awkwardness looked exactly the way she described him to be.

“This is Lee Donghyuck, our vocalist.” Jeno introduced him, “He’s an ass and you’ll probably get into a fight with him sooner or later—we all did—but after that, he’ll get all clingy to you. Just a heads up so you won’t be surprised and end up leaving the band before the gig.”

Mark laughed at that, friendly and warm, and it set Donghyuck’s heart ablaze for an entirely different reason. It was the first time he met him and yet he already despised everything that he was.

“It’s weird,” Mark said, offering his hand for a handshake. “I thought your friends call you Haechan too.”

Donghyuck froze, almost losing his grip on his phone. “What?”

Mark blinked, the realization hit him like a wave when he looked around, noticing everyone looking at him with furrowed eyebrows and questioning eyes. “Oh, I mean,” he panicked, “I-it’s nothing. I was just talking to myself. I’m weird that way.”

“Don’t worry, bud,” Jeno said, picking up his bass. “We’re all a bunch of freaks here. That’s why we get along.”

Mark smiled but seemed more like a grimace. He turned toward Donghyuck again. “Sorry about that. Nice to meet you, Lee Donghyuck. I hope we can be friends.”

Donghyuck took his hand but wished for the exact opposite.

***

“Do you have some time to spare, Donghyuck-ah?”

Donghyuck already knew who it was without having to glance up from his phone screen. It wasn’t because Mark’s voice was distinct to his ears, it was simply because his voice and the way he said his name as if they were best friends irked him so much.

“No,” Donghyuck answered, tapping his thumbs rapidly to earn another high score on the game he was playing. He was squatting down on the ground with his shoulders slouched forward. They just finished having their third band practice in the same studio that week, and although he was drained to his boots, Jeno kept insisting to have another practice so they wouldn’t embarrass the shit out of themselves when they performed as the opening act at prom.

Mark laid his guitar case against the wall before he took a seat next to him in the alley that stood behind their music studio. “Well, you look like you do, so I’m just gonna sit here and ask you something.”

Donghyuck scoffed. “You’re actually pretty annoying, aren’t you?”

“I’m sorry. I know you don’t like me—”

“I dislike people in general, so don’t consider yourself special.”

Mark seemed amused at his words which pissed him off even more. “I know we just met for a few days and it’s probably better for me to leave you alone—”

“And yet, here you are, talking to me when I’m trying to finish this fucking game.” He moved his thumbs more frantically than before, making Mark worry that he was going to break his phone screen, and stopped when the game ended with him winning second place. “Look what you’ve done. Happy now?”

“I thought that was a pretty high score.”

“That was the lowest score I’ve ever achieved in my life.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Just fuck off, Mark.” Even when his tone sounded final, Mark did not budge.

“I promise I’ll leave you alone after this, but I just really need to ask something first,” he said, slightly forcing the other man to look at him by placing an arm on his shoulder. “I see you a lot in my dreams.”

Donghyuck knew exactly what he meant, but he wasn’t going to dwell himself in it. “Sorry, dude,” he uttered, slapping his hand away. “I’m not gay.”

“No. That’s not what I meant.” Mark had the bravery to laugh about it. “You’ve heard about the soulmate dream, right? How you could see your soulmate’s memories—”

“Yeah, I’ve heard about it and I’m also not interested.” He stood up, tucking his phone back to the pocket of his jeans, and leaned sideways to grab his backpack. “I’m leaving.”

“Please.” Mark stopped him by wrapping his thin fingers along his wrist. “Please help me. By your reaction, I know she’s told you about me and I want to find her—I need to find her. I just don’t know where to start. I don’t even know her name.”

“Well, it’s not my fucking problem, is it?” Donghyuck harshly pulled his wrist away, stomping his feet on the pavement, away from the other man.

Mark stood up, desperation sounding thick in his voice. “Can’t we just—Donghyuck-ah!”

“Fuck off, Mark.”

“You love her, don’t you?”

That stopped him in his tracks, making him turn on his heels, hissing, “Excuse me?”

Mark fidgeted slightly, swallowing his breath. “You’re acting this way because you love her. More than a friend. That’s why you don’t want to help me.”

He had earned his whole attention now. “The reason why I’m not helping you is simply because you’re a fucking stranger who’s looking for ways to get into my best friend’s pants.”

“I’m not—” Mark blushed. “Listen, I’m just trying to find my soulmate. I know she’s looking for me too. I’ve seen her memories. I’ve seen you spending a lot of time with her too. I won’t be surprised if you end up having feelings for her—”

Donghyuck almost bared his teeth. “Shut up.”

“But she’s not your soulmate, so—“

“Shut the fuck up!” It happened so fast for Mark’s eyes to catch, but the next thing he knew, Donghyuck’s fingers were fisting the collar of his shirt, slamming his body against the wall and Mark groaned lowly, feeling pain spreading like wildfire from the back of his skull.

“You don’t know anything about me, Mark Lee.” The way Donghyuck spat out his name was laced with nothing but venom. “And don’t you dare talk to me about this soulmate bullshit. Falling in love with a complete stranger just because you saw her in your dreams? Do you know how fucking ridiculous you sound in my head?”

Still wincing from the pain, he replied, “I saw the way you looked at her.”

“I don’t fucking care,” Donghyuck snarled, tightening his grip around the fabric of his shirt. “And if I were you, I would just fuck off and try my luck finding her somewhere else because I’m not gonna tell you anything. Do we have that clear?”

Mark didn’t say a word in response, but his eyes were locked into his. Donghyuck could see how they didn’t waver in the slightest, and the way Mark’s fingernails were sinking deep into his wrist let him know that this man could hold his own battle if needed.

Donghyuck released his hold with a hard shove, and Mark didn’t blink an eye even after knowing his strength.

“Just so you know,” Mark said, when Donghyuck began to step away, slinging his backpack to one of his shoulders. “She would’ve done the opposite for you. She would’ve helped you find your soulmate. But I guess, you already know that.”

Donghyuck stomped off, kicking a trash can on his way out until it toppled over to the ground.

***

Their next band practice was filled with nothing but severe tension between him and Mark, and Jeno had to sigh in exasperation every time one of them made a mistake and blamed the other for it.

“The two of you,” he said, scowling at the two boys who were still trying to murder each other with their glares. “Just go home. Now.”

And unlike Mark, Donghyuck didn’t hesitate—didn’t even try to reason. He just snatched his backpack and walked out the door, slamming his shoulder against Mark’s on his way out.

Jeno grimaced, probably imagining the trouble Mark had to bear while seeing him rubbing off the pain. “Remember when I told you he’s an ass?”

Mark timidly smiled. “Yeah.”

Donghyuck walked home with a sore throat and sweaty bangs. He was no longer as furious as before, but he had to make sure to push every thought of Mark away from his head if he wanted to spend the rest of his evening in peace. He was beyond exhausted and in desperate need of a good, warm shower. He glanced at the house he grew to be more familiar than his own, feeling disappointed that she wasn’t sitting on her porch, waiting for his arrival like usual though she would never admit that out loud.

Well, he should’ve seen that coming. After what happened that morning, he would’ve avoided him too if he was her. But almost a week had passed and they had no interaction, not even meeting each other by coincidence. And although she seemed fine with it, Donghyuck felt more than miserable.

God, if only I can stop missing her so much…

But he couldn’t, so he broke through her fence, and turned over the doorknob of her front door. “Auntie? It’s me. I’m coming in.”

The clicking sounds of footsteps meeting vinyl flooring had him excited in anticipation of her face and the shy, awkward smile she always threw whenever they had arguments a few moments before. But the one who greeted him was her mother, grinning widely at the sight of him as she wiped her hands on her apron.

“Ah, Hyuckie,” she squealed. “Glad you’re here, I was just making dinner. Wanna join us?”

“Oh, no thanks. I just ate something on the way back. Is she here?”

“She said she was heading to the park to draw something. It was hours ago, though. I’m also wondering why she hasn’t come home yet.”

“I see…” There was a knot in his stomach again, making him feel uneasy but he beamed at her again. “Well, I think she’ll be back soon but I’ll go search for her, just in case.”

She pressed a hand against her heart. “Aaw. Always being her knight in shining armor. She’s so lucky to have you.”

He blushed but covered it with a peal of bashful laughter. Saying his goodbye, he turned around to take his leave but she stopped him with a call of his name. “Yeah, auntie?”

“Have you heard…” She hesitated. “Have you heard about her soulmate?”

Donghyuck curled his fingers. “A little.”

Her eyes gleamed in sadness and, as much as Donghyuck hated to see it, sympathy. “Are you okay, Hyuckie? With all of this?”

Thunder roared inside his chest, making him stand still. “What—of course, I’m fine. I’m glad she’s having these dreams. She’ll probably gonna see him soon.”

And Donghyuck never pegged himself as an actor, but seeing how she gradually picked up her motherly smile back on her face and no longer staring at him as if one of his family members just died in such a tragic way, maybe he had a natural talent in lying about his emotions.

“I’m so glad you’re taking this well. I guess I’m not as sharp as I used to be.” She chuckled to herself, a bit diffident. “To tell you the truth, I was rooting for you to be her soulmate. You guys just look so adorable together, but maybe it’s weird for you since you probably think of her as a sister or something.”

“That’s right.” There was a crack in his voice, but he hastily covered it with another smile. “A sister.”

“Which turns out to be a good thing. Because if you love her that way but she’s not your soulmate then it’s going to be hard on both of you.”

“What? What do you mean?”

“You see, finding a soulmate is a rare, wonderful thing that can only occur once in a lifetime. It’s a sign from fate, and if you ignore that sign, if you don’t accept who your soulmate is and be with someone else, something bad will happen, either to yourself or to your relationship.”

“Something bad like what?”

“I don’t know, it just usually doesn’t work out.” She frowned a little bit, noticing how he seemed unusually invested with the topic. “It’s just a rumor, though, darling. So just take any of this with a grain of salt. No one can prove whether it’s true or false.”

“Of course, yeah.” He shook his head, taking control of himself. “Well, thanks anyway. I gotta go.”

“Take care, Hyuckie. And let me know when you start dreaming about your soulmate! I want to know who the lucky girl is!”

He waved a hand, replying to her with a smile but not promising anything.

***

It was already nightfall when he came to his senses, and he hadn’t found her no matter how many steps had he taken in the search of her presence. He had visited the park she often went to in her spare time, the garden near their houses, even the cafe where she once grew fond of. And yet, she was nowhere to be found.

He had tried to call her several times but they were always directed to her voicemails, and he grew even more anxious with more time passing by, worried sick of her well-being.

So when she finally walked past his house, carrying her sketchbook in her arms and a dazed smile on her face, Donghyuck nearly screamed.

“Where the hell have you been?!” He shouted, jumping off his porch and ran to her spot. She was startled, her entire body shaking by the sound of his voice. Her sketchbook slipped from her hands, meeting the cold hard ground that was slightly damp from the drizzle.

“You scared me,” she said, her hand going to her chest. “I was just from the park—“

“I was from the park and you weren’t there!” His eyes were scanning her profile, making sure she was fine. “Where have you been? Do you know how late it is?”

She frowned. “Why do you sound like my mother?”

“I’m not—” Donghyuck exhaled loudly through his nose, trying to collect himself. “I just wanted to make sure you’re okay.”

“Well, I’m fine, so you can stop acting so weird.” She bent down to pick up her sketchbook, but he was faster. “Thanks.” She awkwardly smiled when he handed it to her, noticing how his fingertips brushed hers ever so slightly. “Have you been looking for me all this time? I thought you were avoiding me.”

“I thought you were avoiding me.”

There were a good few seconds of silence where they just gazed deep into each other’s eyes before they began to quietly laugh, exchanging sheepish smiles with knowing eyes. “I guess we avoided each other for nothing then,” she said, holding out her hand. “Are we okay? With everything?”

Donghyuck’s eyes were soft and longing as they peered into hers. He took her hand and pulled her forward until she landed on his chest, embracing her tightly with both arms. “We’re okay.”

“Good,” she lightly murmured, placing her chin on his shoulder as she tiptoed to match his height. “Because I’ve missed you, Haechannie. You and your whole stupid antics.”

It still felt awkward for him, and maybe for her too, to suddenly ignore their heated debate about the kiss they shared and the feelings they had for each other. And maybe they would fight about it again in the future, probably with him starting the fire the second he lost control of his emotions again. But he wanted to forget all of that for now, just for tonight, so he could focus on how perfect she felt in his arms, how both overwhelmingly intoxicating and comforting her scent was, and how nice it was to hear his name falling down her lips.

“I’ve missed you too, Noona,” he whispered. “You could’ve at least texted me where you were. I was worried sick about you.”

“Okay, that was what I was going to tell you.” She pulled away slightly so she could look at him with a pair of animated eyes. “I just went on a date.”

“A… date?” He shivered. “With who?”

“With Mark Lee.” Her cheeks turned rosy with her smile nearly splitting her face in half. “My soulmate.”

Donghyuck gaped, a spark of electricity running through his veins. “H-how?” He swallowed hard.

“A funny story, actually.” She shyly rubbed her nose. “I was trying to draw that pine tree near the pond—the one where we used to carve our names on—and I saw him passing by with his guitar case strapped to his back and a camera in his hand—just like the first time I saw him in my dream. And he saw me through his camera lens and then we were just staring at each other with our mouth wide-open, like can you believe it? It just happened out of nowhere. He noticed me at the same time I noticed him so he must have been seeing me in his dreams too.”

With more words falling from her lips, Donghyuck’s heart raced even faster. It was the first time in his life he ever felt terrified down to his soul. He felt weak, powerless and no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t find a way to win against fate. He didn’t know how to defy his destiny.

Though she was an arm’s reach away, it felt like they existed in different universes.

***

It’s hard to pretend to be fine when deep down inside, you feel like drowning and Donghyuck knew how that felt first hand. She regularly came by to his room to say hello but she never laid herself down on his bed. She never touched his arms when she laughed. She no longer pressed her cheek against his shoulder when she felt sleepy. He could tell that she was trying to respect his feelings, not wanting to lead him further ever since that accidental kiss happened. She was trying to be cautious, to draw lines between them, so he’d know his boundaries and stay still on his place, and continue to regard her as nothing but a friend.

It was torture.

They no longer spent their nights together, with her making excuses about studying for her final tests and her college entrance exams. And Donghyuck didn’t mind, though his heart craved desperately for her attention because he couldn’t properly breathe whenever she was around. He felt like he was transforming into someone else, almost like a robot, that only smiled when she smiled and responded with words as little as necessary.

He continued seeing her in his dreams every night, and only then could he truly feel joy. Only then he could have the time to look at her face as long as he wanted. Only then he could hear her calling his name without inflicting some kind of pain in his chest. But even then, he still couldn’t touch her. Even then, she was still out of reach.

She was moving out of town before long, preparing herself to settle at her dorm before she started her first year in college.

“Hey,” Donghyuck softly called, as he leaned against her doorframe, watching her finish packing what was left in her room. It was unfamiliar, he thought, the sight of her room now that her novels were packed in boxes, her clothes were no longer hanging inside her closet, the posters of her favorite idols folded and unseen. It was only her scent that somehow still linger faintly in the air that seemed recognizable to him.

“Hi.” She smiled back, her shoulders going down in relief at the sight of him smiling sheepishly with his eyes peeking from under his bangs. “I was beginning to think that you wouldn’t come to say goodbye.”

“Of course, I would. I’m your best friend, aren’t I?”

“Well, I haven’t seen you in a while.” The way she said it, almost heartbrokenly, made his smile falter from his face.

“Yeah, sorry, I was…” He scratched his cheek. “Busy.”

She took a good look at him, not saying anything and it made him feel queasy. “I saw you on stage during your graduation,” he said, changing the topic. “You looked beautiful.”

“Why didn’t you come to say hi? I was looking for you.”

You did? “You seem occupied with your friends and family. I didn’t want to bother you.”

“Haechannie,” she sighed and he wondered what kind of mistake did he make with his words. “You’ll never bother me. I mean, yes, you bother me a lot as in you annoy the hell out of me but you never bother me with your presence. I missed you on that day. I’ve been missing you for the whole week. And I still kinda miss you now.”

He grew weak. “I miss you too.”

“Why do we keep saying these things when we literally live next to each other?” She chuckled but it sounded dry before she gave in to the silence again. “Are things… okay between us?”

He tried not to flinch. “Were things not okay between us before?”

“I don’t know, you were acting a bit weird after…” She knew the words, she just wasn’t sure whether it was wise for her to say them. “Well, after everything that happened. I just wasn’t sure how to approach you.”

“Yeah, sorry about that. I guess there were just a lot of things running through my mind at the same time.” He brought his head down, looking at his feet. “I’m okay now, though. And I hope we can go back to how we were.”

“Of course, Haechannie.” She stood up, opening her arms to him and he answered immediately, half-running to her spot before he circled his arms around her waist, pulling her close. She sighed the second their skins make contact with each other, exhaling in relief. “Please don’t ever give me the cold shoulder again. I can’t stand it.”

“Okay, okay.” He almost let his lips graze her temple as he spoke. Almost. “Do you want to go somewhere, just the two of us? You’re not leaving until tomorrow, right?”

“I won’t be leaving until next year if that’s what you want me to do.” She grinned childishly. “So take me away, Haechannie. I’m all yours.”

And although he mirrored her grin, his heart was shattering one piece at a time because he knew she only meant her last line as a fleeting joke, and yet he wanted it to become a promise made solely for him.

They tried to catch up as much as they could during dinner in the cafe that she loved so much. He hated the taste of their food—everything somehow felt either too sweet or too sour on his tongue—but he never mentioned it to her, not wanting to erase her happy grin whenever she took a spoonful of gelato into her mouth. Their conversations didn’t go as awkward as he had imagined, but it ended up with her asking more questions and with him only nodding or shaking his head in response. He tried to cover it up with smiles or waves of laughter, and noticing how she hadn’t complained about it so far, maybe he did a pretty good job of masking his feelings.

“It feels so good to have you back,” she said, hands buried deep in the pocket of her coat as she blew hot air into the cold weather, watching puffs of air forming in front of her lips.

They were walking back to their houses, matching their steps with one another with their voices being the only ones that could be heard within the neighborhood. It was late, and she knew she really should have gone to catch some sleep to wake up early on the next day but Donghyuck’s voice in her ears was soothing, making her long to hear more of it, especially when she knew, she wouldn’t be able to hear it again in a while.

Donghyuck sank half of his face behind his scarf. “I never left you, though.”

“Liar. You totally avoided me this whole time.”

“Well, what am I supposed to do? You kissed me and pretended it didn’t mean shit.”

“I kissed you?!” She gasped, blushing as she stopped in her tracks. “It was an accident!”

Donghyuck turned around, facing her. “It was still a kiss, nonetheless.”

They were walking on a thin rope. He knew it was a sensitive topic, and she also knew that it was best for them to avoid it but she was leaving on the next day and she couldn’t help but feel that he was still holding secrets from her. It was time for her to face this once and for all, so they could go back to the way they were before it was too late.

“What exactly do you want me to do about it?” She nervously asked, but tried to keep her voice steady. “I can’t exactly turn back time.”

Donghyuck’s eyes glinted mysteriously under the dim lighting of the streetlight. “You really want to have this conversation after what happened to us last time?”

“It’s not like you’re giving me any options. I just want us to be like how we used to, not with you acting all awkward and agreeing to every word I said.”

“So you noticed? I thought I was putting a good act.”

“Haechannie.” It was almost like a plead, the way she said his name. “I’m tired of seeing you like this. Like you’re in pain and I’m the one who caused it. So if you have anything to say, say it right now. What are you so upset about, exactly?”

He took his time contemplating, he really did, but he hadn’t finished thinking everything through before his emotions took control over him again, making him blurt out, “I don’t know, I guess I’m just pissed because you seem fine the next day after that kiss happened and I’m over here losing sleep still trying to sort out my goddamn feelings for you.” There was a pause, as he tried to catch his breath, but before she could form a response, he questioned, “Do you ever feel something for me, Noona?”

She swallowed. “I don’t know, I’m—”

“Be honest.”

Another pause, where silence struck like a hurricane. “Maybe I did have feelings for you in the past,” she finally admitted and his eyes gleamed in both joy and anticipation, “But even then, I wasn’t sure because we grew up together, Haechannie. We slept on the same bed, we even took baths together. I wasn’t sure of how I felt because I never had this kind of relationship with anyone before.” She sighed, rubbing the side of her temple. “And with you constantly making me confused on whether you had feelings for me or not also didn’t make this any easier for me.”

“What about now?” It was the question that mattered the most to him. “How do you feel about me now?”

“Haechannie—”

“No, listen to me.” He stepped forward, wrapping his lean fingers along her wrist. “Remember that time on the beach when you dared me to be romantic and I told you I loved you? I think you know by now that I wasn’t pretending that night—”

She averted her gaze, trying to pull her hand away. “Please stop—”

“Noona.” He cupped her cheeks with both hands, lifted her face so she could only look at him. “I still feel the same way about you. It never changed, no matter how hard I tried to ignore it because I cared about our friendship as much as you do, but—”

“Stop.” Lying a hand on his chest, she tried to push him away. “It isn’t right. You’re not my soulmate, we shouldn’t do this—”

“I don’t care about your fucking soulmate!”

The sudden roar that erupted from his mouth was echoing loud in her ears, making her freeze on her feet, with her hands shivering against his chest. She looked frightened and it tore him to pieces. Cursing under his breath, he stepped away, his skin no longer making contact with hers.

“I just…” He started and failed instantly, wanting to caress her cheek, embrace her to soothe her down but was too scared of startling her again. “What I want to say is that I care about us. I care about you more than I have ever cared about anyone else in my life.”

“I care about you too, Haechannie.” There was a quiver in her voice as if she was on the verge of crying. “I care so much about you.”

“Why does it feel to me like you’re about to contradict your own words?” There was no answer and the tension was so thick, it felt like he was suffocating. “I saw your reaction at that time when we were at the beach. I know how you wished parts of my confession were true and I’m telling you that all of it was—I meant every word I said that night.”

“Stop—”

“I love you, Noona,” he immediately said, before she took his chance in answering. “I really do, now more than ever. So if you still have feelings for me, please—”

“I don’t.”

Donghyuck’s jaw fell slacked on his face. “What?”

“I’m sorry, Haechannie. I’m sorry for leading you on, but I don’t. I don’t feel the same way.” She was looking everywhere but his eyes, her voice was clouded with emotions, becoming unclear as seconds went by. “I care about you and I do love you but only as a brother and a friend. I can’t give you more than that.”

He stood still in silence, clenching his jaws. “Can’t or won’t?”

“It doesn’t matter.” She shook her head frantically. “Look, we have soulmates for a reason. Even if we both give in and accept our feelings, what if it doesn’t work out?”

“I don’t care, I’m willing to try.”

“Well, I’m not. I care about our friendship too much. I don’t want anything to ruin what we have now. Especially after I meet my soulmate and you meet yours.”

Donghyuck could feel himself slowly withering away. “So you just want us to go back to how we were? After this?”

“Yes.” He didn’t have to see her to know she was spilling tears from her eyes. It was already spoken clear in her voice. “I-if that’s okay with you.”

And if he was much more mature, maybe he would’ve been able to let everything go. Maybe he would’ve been able to step forward and twist his fingers around the strands of her hair, cradling her gently in his arms and whisper, “Of course. I’ll always be here for you.” But that wouldn’t be him. And he was so tired of being someone else this whole time, trying to hide how he really felt for her.

So, underneath the darkness and the silence of the space that was hanging between them, he told her, “No, I don’t think we can go back to how we were.” And even as he watched her cry, covering the sobs that threatened to fall from her lips with her palm, he said, “I’m sick of pretending, Noona. So if I can’t have you that way, I don’t think I can be your friend and do nothing but sit there, watching you slip away into another man’s arms. I’m not as good of a person as you think I am. And as long as we’re both selfish with what we want—with you wanting to keep our friendship together and with me wanting you that way—this is as close as we can get.”

“What—” Her shoulders were shaking with every breath she took. “Why does it have to come to this—I—”

“Make your decision now.” His voice was loud and clear, making him surprised by how steady he sounded despite all the storms swirling in his chest. “Be with me or push me away. Your choice.”

Tears were spilling down her cheeks as her eyes grew wide, staring at him with parted lips but only whimpers could be heard. He knew how ruthless he was being, and he felt sorry for making her stand in this position.

So, with a heavy heart, he walked away.

***

Days passed by in silence, and they turned to weeks, and months, and when he finally had the bravery to reply to her words with sentences longer than, “I’m doing fine,” and “Sorry for the late response, I had things to do.” It was already several months after his graduation and he was moving out of the place he called home into his dormitory that stood hundreds of kilometers away from her place.

He was nineteen and she was twenty, and he had never loved anyone else while she was tangled deep in her lover’s arms.

And it was maybe his fault because he was the one who pushed her away. She’d asked him to take a day off college so they could fly back to their hometown and celebrate his birthday together but he declined, making random excuses that sounded like a train of lies to her ears but she took notice of his tone and forced out a laugh.

“Then maybe I’ll see you when my birthday comes up?”

“Sure.” But it wasn’t a promise. He thanked her for the present she gave him but ending his call shortly before she even asked about his day.

He sent her a birthday present—a book that she once loved to read as a child, but was thrown away by her mother by accident—and he received five missed calls from her and nine different texts, begging him to answer her calls but Donghyuck was busy burying his fingers deep inside his locks and yanking at the roots with one hand, and rubbing the unspilled tears from his eyes with his other one as he sat on the edge of his bed, swallowed by the darkness of his room.

And he began to fear the night when exhaustion would consume every part of his body and invisible hands began to press his eyelids down until he fell asleep and woke up in her memories. It was painful enough for him to not be able to see himself as often as he used to, and it was torture when Jaemin began to take his place, forcing Donghyuck to stand in the background and watch as he planted his lips on the pair that should’ve belonged to him. He had to hear her gasp Jaemin’s name between kisses, had to see her card her fingers through his sandy blonde hair, had to see her watching him with dazed eyes and swollen lips.

Donghyuck always willed himself to wake up and he found himself breathing hard when he did.

That night, another memory occurred and it was when she shared her first kiss with Mark. They were at her dorm, her roommate was away and she pulled him by the hand to walk deeper into her room. Mark seemed awkward, like how he always did, scanning the room and gulping as he noticed how the entire place smelled pleasantly like her.

“Coffee?” She offered, and he nodded. Taking a seat at the side of her bed, he played with his fingers, trying to hide the quiver that sparked in his fingertips. She joined him soon after with two cups of hot coffee on her hands, which he took with a grateful smile.

“Why do you look so nervous?” She questioned between small, shy giggles that wrenched Donghyuck’s heart from how much he missed hearing them.

“I’m not—it’s just—” Mark gulped, tapping his fingers anxiously against the cup. “It’s my first time being in a girl’s room.”

“Haven’t you dated anyone before?”

“I went on a few dates but nothing serious happened. And when I started seeing you in my dreams, I just stopped dating entirely.”

She was about to take a sip of her coffee but stopped mid-air, eyes unblinking. “You were waiting for me?”

He bashfully smiled. “M-maybe…”

Her eyes drooped down, a faint blush smearing her cheeks. She placed her cup down on her nightstand before she turned toward him again and pressed a gentle kiss on his cheek.

“What—” He sputtered, holding the side of his face, his round eyes turning even wider. “What was that for?”

But she didn’t reply. Instead, she leaned in for another kiss, and this time, he answered with his lips instead.

Donghyuck woke up with a pain in his chest, and he felt so sick, so disturbed, that he began to jump down his bed, startling his roommate who was deep in slumber. He snatched his jacket from the floor and closed the door behind him with a small thud. He needed to distract himself so he burst into the night air, not caring if the cold made his teeth chatter behind his lips.

***

His dreams, they became nightmares. And they didn’t stop even when he woke up. He was losing sleep and had the hardest time concentrating on everything. He was putting his best effort to move on, to forget about her existence entirely and he had been successfully avoiding her calls or her pleads to meet up every time a long holiday came up. But how could he forget about her when she kept showing up in his dreams, making him feel jealous, feel pained, with no way of stopping it?

It was a week before his birthday when his mother begged him to come home and celebrate it together with his whole family. Though he was reluctant to go, worrying that he’d probably see her on his way back, he eventually agreed to his mother’s wish. If they ended up meeting each other, maybe it was a sign for him to tell her about these dreams he’d been having of her and see how it would go from there.

It was raining, the third day he spent lounging on the bed in his room. It looked just about the same, but with fewer things and thicker specks of dust. And he kept his curtain closed, not wanting to look at the other side of his window.

A sudden ring of his iPhone sent jolts to his entire body.

It was from an unknown number. He usually wouldn’t respond to it, but there was something in his chest that told him to answer no matter what excuses he came up with.

He slid his thumb along the screen and pressed the phone to his ear, but he did not say a word, waiting for the other person to ignite the conversation.

“Haechannie. It’s me.”

He had a hunch who it was, but hearing the sound of her voice so close to his ear still almost sent him falling to his knees. The words I miss you, I’m sorry I’ve been trying to push you away, but I can’t pretend anymore, I miss you, I miss you so much, I’m going insane threatened to fall from his lips so he kept his mouth shut, not believing in himself just yet.

“I could tell how you wouldn’t pick up if you knew it was me, so I’m using a new number.”

“It’s…” He licked his lips, trying to tame his racing heart. “It’s been a while, Noona.”

“Don’t say that when you’ve been avoiding me for years, Lee Donghyuck. I know you’re home so let me in. It’s pouring outside.”

His grip tightened around his phone. “You’re… here?”

“Yes, idiot. Your mom told me last night that you’re here so I flew back the first thing in the morning to meet you. If you make one more excuse of not wanting to see me, I will literally climb up your wall and kick your window open myself, I swear to God.”

Donghyuck would’ve laughed because it was so her to say things like that whenever she got angry, but he was so overwhelmed with the thoughts of seeing her in person that he tripped over his own feet before he ran down the stairs.

The second he opened the front door and saw her standing on his porch, with her hair a little wet from the rain, all the air nearly left his lungs. She was still wearing her trench coat, a scarf around her neck with her suitcase stood idly next to her. He noticed that she must have returned straight back from the airport, not even spending a second resting in her own house when it was only a few steps away from where she stood.

“Can I come in?” She asked, trembling slightly from the cold. There was a huge urge to embrace her that he almost couldn’t control, to share his warmth and steal all the shivers away from her body. But he swallowed all of his feelings with a hard gulp, and stepped back to let her in with a small nod.

She closed the front door behind her, pressing her spine against it and they both waited in the silence of his house, expecting the other to strike a conversation but neither of them had the bravery to find a word. The ticking sound of the grandmother’s clock in his guest room was loud, matching the thundering sound of his heartbeat.

“Where are your family?” She eventually uttered, peeking at him from behind her bangs.

“Visiting my cousins outside of town.”

“Why didn’t you go with them?”

“Just didn’t feel like going so I told them I was sick.”

“I see…”

And silence struck again. It was so tense, the awkwardness between them and it was beginning to suffocate him. “Noona, I think—”

“Can I hug you?” She spoke in such a quiet voice, but it sent powerful vibrations down his spine. He was busy gawking at her, not sure how to respond and it didn’t matter, because she already took a few steps toward him, wrapping her arms around his neck and sinking her face deep into the crook of his neck.

Donghyuck let out a shaky breath, his arms still dangling weakly on his sides.

“Seems like you’ve lost some weight,” she spoke in whispers, her breath felt like fire on his skin. “Have you been eating well?”

It was hard trying to focus on her voice when the sound of his heart clamoring inside his ribcages was deafening in his ears. He only hummed in response, moving his hands slightly until they rested on the sides of her waist, tense and awkward.

“I really,” she breathed, her voice quivering. “Really miss you, Haechannie.”

It was all too much for him to bear, too many flashbacks, uncontrolled feelings, and hidden emotions washed over him at the same time, making him feel dizzy and emotive. So instead, he focused on what mattered the most. “You’re shivering. We should get you changed.” And he pulled away before she could reply. Noticing how the loss of their warmth on each other’s skin was as painful for her as it was to him, he offered his hand with a timid smile, which she immediately laced together with hers.

He guided her to his room and released her hand to rummage the inside of his closet, trying to find that particular sweater of his that she grew to be fond of. She slid open his curtain to brighten the room though it didn’t do much because the clouds were dark and thick, pouring heavy rain to the earth.

“Here,” he said, handing her his navy blue knitted sweater. “I’ll go outside so you can change.”

She grabbed him by his wrist before he stepped aside. “No, it’s fine, just—” She cleared her throat, didn’t dare to look him in the eyes. “Just turn around for a little bit.”

The old Donghyuck would’ve had a blast teasing her about this, so when he simply turned around, bringing his head down to stare at his feet while scratching his nape from being both shy and awkward, the feeling of loneliness began to consume her heart.

She was losing him. He wasn’t the person she remembered him to be.

“I’m done,” she called when she had finished changing her damp blouse into his sweater. The fabric fell loose around her body, its hem reaching to the middle part of her jean-clad thighs. “You can turn around now.”

Donghyuck slowly turned on his heels, but his eyes were looking everywhere but hers because he knew, once he saw her again wearing his clothing around her body like a lover would, he would lose his common sense.

“It feels familiar, doesn’t it?” She lightly laughed, trying to keep it casual but it felt strained. “I mean, us spending time in your room with me wearing your clothes.”

He tiredly smiled, leaning against the wall. “Yeah.”

“How was your birthday yesterday? I’m sorry for not sending you any present, I wasn’t sure you wanted to receive one from me... Did auntie make you a cake?”

“Yeah. It wasn’t good.”

She tucked a loose strand of her hair, wetting her lips. “You always said that, but you ate all of it.”

He wanted to sneak a glance at her, wanted to be captivated by her beauty just for a split second, but noticing it was best for him to stop. Otherwise, she’d entrap him again. “Yeah… I did.”

“Haechannie.”

“Hmm?”

“Can you look at me, please?”

He tightened his jaw, taking a few seconds in silence to prepare himself before he slowly looked up, peering at her features from behind his bangs.

He had seen her sad before—multiple times, in fact—but it was never like this. She never looked this heartbroken before, and he loathed the fact that, unlike any other times where she cried over anyone else, he was now the reason for such emotion to arise.

And maybe he looked the same to her, as she instantly grew speechless, her fingers tightening around the hem of her sweater. “How… are you?” She asked, and he knew that wasn’t the question she intended to say but maybe she was afraid and uncertain whether her words would inflict more sadness to his eyes more than she already did so far.

“I’m doing well.”

“Have you made any friends at your campus?”

“A few.”

“Ah… Great, then.” She was going insane, she could feel it, and when he never tried to spark a conversation like she did, she began to lose her patience. “Why have you been avoiding me?” Her tone somehow a tad colder this time around.

Donghyuck slipped his hands in the pockets of his jeans. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“You ignored my calls, you rarely replied to my texts—”

“Yeah, well, I was busy—”

“Two years, Haechannie. You had two fucking years to reach out back to me, and you’re simply telling me you were busy?! If you’re going to lie, lie better!”

“Well, you already have your whole life perfect without me anyway.”

Hot tears began to well in her eyes. “Do you not… need me anymore?”

He looked away, his chest suffocating. “You should leave. Get some rest. We’ll talk la—”

“Stop it!” She cried out, forcing him to look at her in the eyes by the desperate tone in her voice. “Stop acting like this! Stop pretending like you’re not hurting when you are just as much as I am!”

His eyes gleamed in the dim lighting of the room. “Why are you even here?”

She narrowed her eyes, trying to ignore the pain that was about to erupt from her chest. “Is it so wrong for me to see you?”

“I thought we’ve both decided that it’s best if we stay away from each other.”

“You decided.” It was both sorrow and anger that painted her voice. “You decided to stay away from me. I never wanted us to be like this. I’ve been trying to reach out to you and you pushed me away every time, so don’t you dare blame this on me.”

“What do you expect me to do?” He vocalized in outrage, his voice reverberating through the air almost as heavy as the storm that poured outside. “I revealed all of my feelings out to you, asked you to make a choice and you just stood there doing fucking nothing! How do you think that made me feel?”

She stepped back, her hand on her chest. “I—” She fumbled with her words. “It was all so sudden, I didn’t know how—”

“So sudden?!” He threw his head back in exasperation. “I have been trying to tell you that for years, Noona!”

“You flirted with me for years, that didn’t count as—”

“Well, I had to pretend everything was a joke because you always looked like you were seconds away from crying, afraid of ruining our friendship and it made me think that maybe you never really liked me that way at all! I don’t even know how you feel about me now because you’re never honest even with yourself.”

“I…” She nibbled on her lower lip, scared and anxious. “I don’t know whether I—”

“Of course, you don’t,” he spat out, scoffing loudly. “You never do. That’s what I fucking hate about you. You’re such a coward. You don’t want to be with me but you keep coming back to me, making me feel things I shouldn’t, making me yearn for you again when I literally spent every second of my life trying to forget you even exist. I had to watch you slip away from my arms twice as if it wasn’t enough for you to hurt me one time—”

“I never meant to hurt you—”

“But that’s all you fucking do!” Donghyuck unintentionally slammed the side of his fist against the wall out of sheer fury, making her take a step backward, terrified. “Do you know how much you’re driving me insane from seeing you here within my grasp but not having the right to touch you in the way I want to? Just how fucking selfish can you be?!”

Tears were forming in her eyes, but he wasn’t sure whether they emerged from sadness or anger. “I’m selfish?! I’m trying to do the right thing! You know how things can go bad if we ignore the signs and deny our soulmate, so even if I agree to be with you, what if things don’t work out and we end up—”

“I’m so fucking tired of soulmates.”

Donghyuck had her body pressed against the wall, his hand on her face and his lips on hers, meeting together in a heated kiss. She closed her eyes in reflex, her fingers clutching tightly to the fabric of his shirt, gasping into his mouth when he pressed harder. Donghyuck felt like a flame, scorching every inch of her skin that was connected to his and she let herself grow weak, succumbing to the fire that was about to devour her whole.

When he let go, the tip of his nose was still grazing against hers, his fingertips holding her by the jaw, while his other hand was secured tightly around her waist.

“I’m giving you another chance to make your decision.” He breathed out, hot breath caressing her skin. “Be with me or push me away. Your choice.”

Her eyes were half-lidded, her breathing ragged and Donghyuck could count her eyelashes if he wanted to. It was torture to keep this little space between them because to him, they were like magnets, both desperately drawn to each other, wanting to consume one another.

Maybe it was like that for her too, because when she took her next breath, she had her fingers around the collar of his shirt, tugging it down so their lips met once again in a searing kiss.

It felt complete—no, it felt more than complete. It made him feel infinite. Every touch, every gasp, every little whimper that came out of her mouth made him feel alive and he wanted more, he wanted everything. He wanted her.

And to her, she was drawn to him like a moth to a flame, and it didn’t feel like she was doing something sinful, something forbidden. Everything felt right, the way her body fit his perfectly, the way he moved his lips against her, with the touch of their tongues nearly sending her down to her knees.

“Haechannie,” she breathed heavily as he ran his lips down her jaw to her neck, before he moved back up again, melding their lips together because he couldn’t waste any second longer being apart from her.

The desperate call of his name rendered him powerless so he pressed himself against her harder, embracing her better so they could hold on to each other. And by the relieved sigh she made as she circled her arms around his neck, her fingers finding a home in his hair, she must have felt the same.

“I love you,” he murmured against the supple skin of her neck, making a messy ponytail out of her hair to expose more skin. “Fuck, Noona, I’ve never loved anyone else but you.” He lifted her body up the wall, leaving her with no choice but to tangle her legs around his waist for balance, his hands sliding dangerously along her thighs as she connected their mouths again.

Donghyuck’s voice was deep and hoarse, foreign to her ears but she loved it. She loved everything new she found about him, as much as she had loved everything about him in the past. She knew she wasn’t being fair; she knew it wasn’t a good idea to hold him like this, but it felt so terrifyingly good and there was not a part of her mind and body that shouted for her to stop. He was her puppet master, plucking on her strings, and she didn’t mind being tangled under his fingers.

She flinched when she felt him pressing his hips against her, pinning her against the wall and he noticed as she moaned a bit louder against his mouth, pulling a similar groan from the back of his own throat. The sound of her lustful cry made him go absolutely insane and not familiar with his own strength, he carried her to the bed, making her yelp in shock and wrapping her legs and arms around him tighter in the fear of falling.

But the way he laid her down on his bed was surprisingly gentle, sliding down a pillow underneath her head before he dipped his face down, pressing a warm kiss on her temple. The sudden change of pace made her blush, cheeks blooming red as she became conscious of how he gazed at her features—how the previous loneliness in his eyes was replaced with both felicity and uncertainty, asking for her sign to stop or continue with everything.

She swallowed her breath when he stood on his knees, pulling his shirt over his head, his silver necklace glinting faintly under the soft glow of thunder that flashed on the other side of the window. She flinched, not from the fear of lightning, but from the way his vulnerable eyes were filled with need and affection. She had once told him that Jaemin made her feel wanted—made her feel desired—and she thought that was really the case, until she saw the look Donghyuck gave her and suddenly everything that Jaemin did felt pale in comparison.

Donghyuck needed her like a drowning man needed air.

So when he bent down and kissed her again, she felt like he was unraveling her soul, stripping her naked both her body and her mind, and as if she was a blank canvas, he cast iridescence on her skin, drawing lines with his fingertips and painted a spectrum of colors with his lips.

As a man of passion, Donghyuck’s kisses were strangely tender but it elicited as much fire, if not more, as any fervent kisses she had ever shared with the other two men in her life.

“Noona,” he abruptly stopped, eyes unfocused as he broke away, expanding the space between them but only for a few inches. “You’re not regretting any of this, are you?” It was the question he’d been dreading to ask, but he had to before she ended up living with guilt. “I told you to make a choice before but…” He cupped her cheek, rubbing his thumb against her skin in such a soothing manner that she would’ve probably fallen asleep to it if her heart wasn’t racing like this. “But if you feel like this is not what you want, you can back out anytime. I’m not going to force you, and I’m not going to leave you even if you push me away now. I’ll still be your friend, I promise, so it’s okay.” He smiled but the only thing it conveyed was sadness. “It’s okay if you want to put an end to this. It’s okay if you don’t want to be with me. It’s your choice.”

She wasn’t sure why, but she felt like crying. “Well, I’m not okay with it.” She ran her thumb along his lower lip, in a paper-thin-like touch. “I think you’ve noticed by now that I…” It was too much. It really was too much for her to admit it without being flustered.

“Tell me,” he pleaded, gently taking her wrist when she was about to cover her face with her hands. “Tell me how you feel about me. Please.”

She shook her head, heart thumping loudly. “I can’t—It’s embarrassing. You already know how I feel anyway.”

“But I need to hear you say it.” He kissed her palm, leaning against her touch like how a little kitten would. “Please?”

Her voice was quivering when she spoke. “I love you, Haechannie.”

He’d heard her say those words many times in his life, but only now, they felt different in his ears. And almost like a prisoner being released from his chains, he nearly whimpered in bliss. “Y-you do?”

She shakily nodded her head once. “You were right. I’m a coward. I’m too afraid of losing what we have, not realizing that we can actually become so much more.”

He smiled, small but lovingly. “And it’s fine even if I’m not your soulmate?”

She was entranced with the way he kissed her fingertips one by one. “I don’t care.”

“I love you too, Noona.” His tongue was wet and slick when she felt it against her earlobe, his voice sounding dangerously close and sultry, even when his words were innocent. “You don’t know how glad I am to finally hear you say this. I’ve tried so hard to move on but I couldn’t. It’s just—for me—” his lips hovered above hers again, and she felt his whispers directly on her skin. “There’s no life without you.”

She carded her fingers through his hair, pushing back his bangs until she could gaze directly into his eyes. “There’s no life without you too, Haechannie.”

As they were connected, both their bodies and minds, it felt like nothing mattered anymore. They already had what they needed, already owned what they craved, already found what they were searching for. Donghyuck was sheathed deep inside her, his kisses were wet and languid, passion never dissipating no matter how many times he had tasted her.

It never felt unnatural, never felt awkward, and there were no uncertainties whenever their skin made contact. It was almost as natural as breathing, and though they needed more experience in some parts, they were already content with everything that they shared. Every breath, every gasp, every moan was sending heat to every inch of their bodies, making Donghyuck’s bangs stick with sweat and her cheeks reddening from his feverish touches.

When it finally ended, both still feeling lightheaded from reaching their highs, orgasms hitting hard like waves in a storm, Donghyuck was shaking, murmuring both expletives and praises against the skin that covered her heart, making her shiver.

“What is it?” She questioned tenderly, gentle fingertips caressing his cheekbone. “You’re trembling.”

But he didn’t answer, laying his head down on her chest, her heartbeat vocalizing faintly against his eardrums. He had never felt so happy, so complete, so perfect, and it was all because of her.

“I’m…” he exhaled heavily, lost for words as he sank deeper in his own elation. She curled her fingers around his jaw, lifting his face so they could peer into each other’s eyes.

“Haechannie.”

“Yeah?”

“I know it’s late, but…” She beamed at him. “Happy birthday.”

And he kissed her with so much fervor, his eyebrows adjoined in passion and he whimpered against her mouth, a tear slipping from the corner of his eye and she smiled, hugging him close because finally, after seventeen years had passed, they truly found each other.

He was her life, and she was his, two different souls united into one.

***

Almost an hour passed by with them just enjoying each other’s company as they laid side-by-side on the bed, with Donghyuck idly sucking more bruises to her skin and her panting his name against his pillow. He was trailing his fingertips from her nape down to the dip of her spine as she laid with her stomach pressed against his sheets, slightly quivering from his touch.

Both of them lacked the energy to get dressed or wash their sweat away from before, and instead just dwell further in each other’s warmth, basking in the soft glow of the sunset that had replaced the storm.

“Why did we wait so long to do this?” She asked with her cheek pressed against the pillow, looking at him with drowsy eyes.

He snorted. “Because you were too big of an idiot to notice and too goddamn stubborn to—”

“Forget I asked.”

Donghyuck grinned to himself but she soon felt it on her skin. “I’m still sweaty, Haechannie, get off me.”

“No way, I want to enjoy this,” his nose was skimming against the skin of her back. “It’s not every day I have a naked lady lounging on my bed. In fact, I’ve never had one. Ever.”

“Yeah?” She turned around, covering her bare chest with his quilt as she looked at him. “What about your girlfriends?”

“What girlfriends?”

“You know, the ones you got together with in high school. You told me you had sex with them.”

“Oh.” His playful smile grew sheepish. “I lied about it.”

“What? Why?”

“I was just trying to make you jealous. You were hanging out with Jaemin and I was so pissed!”

“I can’t believe how lame you were.”

“Hey, I was desperate!”

“So…” She slowly said, drawing her name on the square of his chest with her fingertip. “I’m your first?”

“You’ve always been, on everything.”

Her breathing tattered, blood rushing to her face, turning it scarlet. She moved her hand to his neck, playing with the silver necklace and the oval locket with her fingers. “I can’t believe you still wear this.”

“It’s the best present I’ve ever had,” he replied, leaning close until their foreheads meet one another. “From the best girl I’ve ever met in my life.”

“Stop saying things like this, I can’t handle it.” And she hooked her finger around his necklace, dragging him down to close the gap between them.

They both smiled into the kiss but what was once innocent and chaste, became deep and ardent in a matter of seconds. Donghyuck’s fingers were slipping underneath the comforter that she used to cover her body, feverish skin meeting her cold one and he looked at her in concern. “Are you cold?”

“Just a little bit.” She chuckled awkwardly before it was replaced with a gasp when he pulled her up by her waist and positioned her on his lap. He snatched the quilt away from her in one quick motion, leaving her naked and exposed before she toppled down to his chest. His hands found their way back around her waist, drawing her close so every inch of her skin was pressing against his. His warmth began to seep into her, and he draped his blanket around their bodies again.

“Better?” He looked up, his teeth peeking behind his grin that was both teasing and shy at the same time.

She melted into his touch, wanting to taste his lips again. “Better.”

She was distracted with the way he ran his tongue along her lower lip, sneaking in as soon as she granted him entrance to her mouth, but found her focus back when his hands start to roam around her chest. She immediately covered herself with both hands, embarrassed out of her mind.

“Why are you covering yourself?” He asked, chuckling faintly though his cheeks were reddening by the second. “You were fine when we had sex before. Let me see.”

“I just remembered that you once said I have small boobs.”

Donghyuck’s jaw hung loosely on his face. “That—I was just joking! I love your boobs—I love every—” He thought hard for the right word and failing miserably. “—every aspect of them, how soft they are, the little moles you have, and how they jiggle when—Why are you laughing?!”

But she couldn’t stop cackling even when he was pouting about it, complaining that he was being serious. “I’m sorry,” she said, wiping a tear out of her eyes. “It’s just you were so dominatingly sexy before when you slammed me against the wall, and now you’re acting like such a dork, which is also cute but—” and she laughed again, covering her mouth with her fingers which he immediately took and replaced them with his mouth, turning her soft chuckles into pleading moans.

He cupped her breasts with his palms, groaning at the back of his throat from how perfect they felt under his hands, massaging them gently until she had to break away from the kiss, nibbling at her lip to contain her whimpers.

Donghyuck trailed more kisses down from her neck to the valley of her breasts, before he attached his soft, plump lips on her sensitive nub, making her arch her back in response. He peeked at her reaction from under his eyelashes, almost losing his mind from the sight of how alluring and sinful she looked. “Does it feel good?” He knew the answer but he needed her praise. He had waited for all this time to have her crying out his name in pleasure like this, he guessed he’d allow himself to be selfish just for tonight.

She shakily nodded, eyes tightly shut in pleasure but he didn’t stop until he had her whimpering, “Yes, yes,” into his ears.

“So about what you said before,” he continued, nipping at her sensitive skin with so much fervency, enough to leave purple bruises by the morning. “About me being dominatingly sexy. Is that the kind of thing you’re into?”

She shivered, looking like she wanted to escape his touch. “I—I don’t—” she stammered, having the hardest time finding her words especially when he had one of his eyebrows raised tauntingly. “Stop teasing me.”

“Guess being friends for seventeen years doesn’t really mean you know everything.” He chuckled, sliding down his hand between her thighs but stopping before he got too close, asking for permission. “Can I touch you here?”

She bit her lip, nodding slowly.

“Can we… have sex again?”

“Stop asking questions, and just do it.”

Their second time was much slower, more playful with a lot of teasing and exploring and it was the kind of sex that felt more like them, reminding them of how carefree they were back in their childhoods days, or the flirty banter they shared during their small escapes every summer. It took them hours to be satisfied with one another, at least until the next day started, that by the time they were finished, it was already nighttime. But even after they were dressed back in their previous clothes, they still found their way back in each other’s arms.

“I wasn’t sure to ask about this before but,” Donghyuck snuggled closer from behind, his lips almost brushing against her nape when he spoke in both curiosity and uncertainty. “How are things with Mark?”

“It’s so like you to ask about stuff that mattered after you got what you want,” she responded, making him pout and cower behind her. “We’re still going strong, actually. He said he’d ask me to marry him after we both graduated from college.”

He froze, literally stopped breathing. “What?”

“I’m kidding.” She turned around, tapping his cheek. “You’re cute.”

“That’s not funny.”

“I’m sorry.” And when she laughed, he pouted even harder. “Well, truth is, we broke up over a month ago.”

“What—” Shock filling his eyes. He thought he had known everything about her from seeing her memories in his dreams but maybe he hadn’t seen anything yet. “Why didn’t you tell me this?”

“Oh, I’m sorry.” She rolled her eyes. “I wasn’t aware we were on speaking terms what with you avoiding my calls and ignoring my texts.”

“You’re never gonna let me live this down, are you?” He sighed, playfully biting her at the part where her neck met her shoulder. “Why did you break up with him anyway? I thought soulmates were meant to be together, not that I’m complaining though.” He couldn’t help but display his cheeky grin. “I’m actually happy—it’s the happiest moment in my life, dare I say.”

She scoffed, shifting on the bed again so she wouldn’t have to face his annoying grin. “It certainly not the happiest moment in my life but as long as you’re happy, I guess.”

“I’m sorry, come here.” Donghyuck sneaked his hands around her body, hauling her toward him until he could press his chest tightly against her back, burying his nose in her hair. “So, what happened?”

“Well…” She huffed, leaning against him. “Mark and I… We’re so similar in a lot of ways and I find myself more compatible with him than anyone, which feels kinda weird, if I’m being honest. Like, we share the same thoughts, we make the same decisions, we listen to the same music, love the same movies and everything. Unlike when I’m with you—” she stopped when she felt his arms tightening around her. “Wait, before you start fuming, listen to me first.” He sighed but nodded his head twice before he landed his face on her hair again. “What I meant was when I’m with you, we argue, we tease each other, we fight over stupid little things so we can look back on it in the future and have a good laugh from realizing how dumb we were being. And that’s what makes it exciting for me. You make me laugh, you make me upset, and when you suddenly disappeared from my life it was like…” she tried, but whether she was too shy or too confused to say the words, Donghyuck wasn’t sure so he helped.

“Like a part of you was missing?” He offered with a smile, nuzzling closer to her.

“Well, I don’t want to sound that cheesy but for the lack of better words, yes,” she admitted. “I just really couldn’t stop thinking about you. I missed you in the way I’ve never missed anyone before, like I kept seeing you anywhere I go. Whenever a Michael Jackson song came up in my playlist, I thought of you. Whenever I saw a movie, I remembered how you would always scrunch your nose in protest when something didn’t make sense. And I felt awful every time because I wasn’t supposed to think about you at all. I was supposed to think about Mark, and how he always tried to make me feel comfortable in his arms, kept asking me whether the room temperature was too cold or too hot, whether I needed another cup of coffee or—”

“He actually sounds pretty nice,” he murmured against her skin. “I’d date him if I were you.”

“Exactly, he’s too perfect.” She turned around, placing both hands on his shoulders. “He’s too perfect, Haechannie. That’s my problem.”

Haechan snorted but he also seemed amused. “This is why boys have problems trying to understand girls.”

“Doesn’t it make sense, though? You have so many flaws—like, so many. You have more flaws in you than your strengths.”

He flatly stared back. “Thanks.”

“But that’s what makes you interesting.” She reached out a hand, playing with the waves of his hair. “That’s what makes you adorable.” When she noticed him turning slightly red on his cheeks, she chuckled awkwardly. “Or maybe I’m just a freak who has a kink for annoying brats, I don’t know.”

Donghyuck smiled softly in return, rubbing his thumb in comforting circles on the skin below her eye. “Well then, I’m glad you have a kink for annoying brats like me.” And when they kissed, he could feel her grinning against his lips so he tore himself away, frowning. “What?”

“I didn’t realize you were this sappy and clingy.” She giggled, pecking his nose. “You really love kissing, don’t you?”

“I love kissing you,” he corrected, slightly wincing at the thought of the previous kisses he’d shared with his former girlfriends. “There’s a difference. And I’m not sappy, I am full with affection.” She teased him with a loud, exaggerated yawn but he ignored her, focusing on the things that hadn’t been spoken. “So, you broke up with him because he was too nice? How did you even tell that to him?”

“No.” Her tone suddenly became heavy. “We broke up because he no longer had faith in me. It was not long after he read my journal.”

“What journal?”

“Okay, now, don’t laugh, but I’ve been keeping a journal lately to help me think and…” He couldn’t see her face, but he could tell she was flushed. “Well, figure things out. So I wrote a lot of things about you, about us, about how I truly felt about you but couldn’t be with you because of the things we’ve been through. And the fact that I’ve been dreaming about you—”

“What?” His breath hitched in his throat. “Like a soulmate dream or just your regular wet dream about me?”

It was vexing the way he sounded so serious when he asked her the most insensitive question at times like this. “It felt similar to how I dreamt about Mark which is weird because how can that be? What does that even mean? I can’t have two soulmates at once, can I?”

Donghyuck contemplated in silence, unsure of his thoughts but eventually made his decision. “Okay,” he shifted his weight, now sitting on the bed, and gesturing for her to meet his eyes. “I have a secret I’ve been wanting to tell you but since we weren’t on speaking terms—”

“Thanks to you—”

“—yeah, thanks to me. I decided to keep it a secret. And I realized that I didn’t want to tell you that because I wanted you to figure out by yourself that you have feelings for me.”

“What do you mean?”

“I’ve been having dreams about you too.” He unconsciously reached out for her hand, lacing their fingers together. “I saw your memories. I knew that they weren’t mine because I’ve dreamt about the time you spent with Jaemin and Mark, but I didn’t say anything because I want you to fall for me for who I am, not because I have connections to your dreams or because it turns out I’m your soulmate.”

She gaped in disbelief. “How long have you been dreaming about me?”

His voice grew quiet. “Since that night when we kissed.”

Her mouth was shaping into a silent ‘o’ but no words came out. She was deep in her thoughts and Donghyuck had to squeeze her hand to bring her out of her reverie. “Noona?”

“So it wasn’t just because of the kiss, was it? That morning when you were acting weird, asking me about my feelings?”

He nodded reluctantly. “I thought you were experiencing the same thing, but then you told me you had another dream about Mark, and not soon after, I saw him with my own eyes.”

Something befell on her face, eyes wide in realization. “So, it was true—what I saw in my dream. You’d met Mark way before I did but you never told me about him—you even told him to stay away—”

“Yes, but—” He ran his hands through his hair in frustration. “I know that was a total dick move, but—”

“You had no right, Hyuck.”

The way she called him by his real name made him freeze for a split second. “You’re… really upset about this, aren’t you?”

She tried not to scowl at him harder than she already did. With a sigh, she massaged her temple. “Well, I guess I should’ve seen that coming. You’ve always been acting like that anyway. You and your possessive, competitive ass.”

“But,” he said, smiling bashfully. “Will you love me and my possessive, competitive ass for the rest of your life?”

“One step at a time, Haechannie.” She pressed her palm against his face, wiping his annoying smirk away. “One step at a time.”

***

Unbeknownst to them, it turned out that being in an intimate relationship didn’t really change the way they behave around each other. They still fought over the little things but always agreed on the things that mattered. They shared loving words as much as they had done numerous times in the past, only this time they shared them between lustful gasps and lascivious groans.

Their long-distance relationship was hard during their years in college as they went to different campuses in different cities, but only because they couldn’t feel each other’s lips and breaths on their skins, so every time a long holiday came up, they would spend it somewhere where they could be alone, tangled in each other’s arms, moaning terms of endearments laced with desperation and urgency against the sheets.

It was funny how they kept having dreams about each other’s memories, even after they admitted their feelings out loud. Every morning whenever they were apart, they would send text messages, describing the memories they saw in their dreams, that it became some kind of a new habit for them. It was harmless most of the time, but Donghyuck became unreasonably jealous more often than not, whenever he saw Jaemin or Mark in her memories. He would spout out hateful words, calling their names with degradation, and she would sigh and wave him off, being the mature one in the relationship.

She had a theory about why he was dreaming about her, and why did her dreams change from Mark’s memories into his. She said it had something to do with their feelings, that if they loved someone so dearly, their dreams began to change from seeing the soulmate they were originally matched with, to the person they truly loved. And if the feelings were mutual, they would begin to dream about each other. Donghyuck didn’t pay too much attention to it, because it didn’t matter to him. Soulmates or not, dreams or no dream, he’d still love her with all his heart.

They kept their relationship a secret because they knew how their parents believed in soulmates and didn’t want to make them worry. But whenever they had sleepovers in his house, leaving their bedroom door open as instructed, keeping secrets became torture because Donghyuck always found a way to pepper playful kisses on her cheek. And playful kisses always turned perilous when they fell on her lips, and once the tip of their tongues met in curiosity, just wanted to get a glimpse of each other’s taste, there would be no turning back.

So they exchanged deep kisses and sinful strokes under the duvet, closing their eyes shut and pretending to sleep whenever rustling sounds or footsteps could be heard from the other side of their slightly ajar door. Donghyuck would whine something about, “Noona, I can’t do this. I can’t come like this,” even though he grew hotter and larger in her hand, and she would raise a teasing eyebrow with a smirk painting her face. She would then sneak under the sheet, crawl down his body, and blow hot breath against his tip, before engulfing him completely. And Donghyuck would bite into his fist, eyebrows furrowing in ecstasy, eyes shut closed as he imagined the way she would hollow her cheeks around him, with her tongue running along his veins and he would come undone in seconds. “Already?” She would ask with a teasing grin, wiping her tainted mouth with the back of her hand. “I must be super good at this.”

Donghyuck would let her win, just for the night. He could always pay her back the next day, he figured, when his parents were still deep in slumber, and the sun was still hiding somewhere out of sight. He knew how much she loved seeing him between her legs, with his eyes half-lidded and his lips sucking bruises on the inner parts of her thighs. And he loved seeing her face contorted in pleasure every time he brought her tongue deep inside her, remembering her taste better than anything he had ever tasted. Whenever her body started to shake, hands tangling desperately against his locks, her legs closing in on him, he would lick everything that seeped out of her, glance up to meet her eyes, and lick his lower lip in satisfaction before he said, “Already? I must be super good at this.”

“You know,” she sighed one day when she curled against his chest in a hotel room that smelled like cinnamon mixed with sandalwood. “I’ll probably end up getting pregnant with Hyuck Jr from how often we have sex.”

“I don’t mind.” He laced their fingers together, tracing his tongue on the side of her neck before he marked her with his teeth. “Hyuck Jr sounds hella cool.”

“Of course, you don’t mind. You say that to get more sex.” She wiggled away, shoving him gently by the jaw. “Stop that, I have work today.” And as much as he wanted to ignore her, painting more of his signature down her body so everyone would know who owned her, he stopped with a pout because she could really be terrifying when she got angry.

“Noona~ Come back to bed,” he whined, as he watched her stepped down the bed, getting dressed. “I need you to love me again. I’m needy.”

“You are gross, and I am late. Where the hell is my bra?”

Donghyuck grinned in amusement, watching her running from one corner to another only in her panties. “Man, have I told you how much I love your boobs?”

“Stop staring and help me find my clothes!”

She soon collected every piece of her clothing back without his help as he just kept lazing around on the bed, giggling every time she tripped over something.

“Noona.”

“Hmm?”

“Have you ever thought about being this intimate with me back then?” Donghyuck flipped over to his stomach, crossing his arms idly on top of his pillow before he dipped his chin between them. “Before we got together. Have you ever thought about kissing me?”

Her cheeks were flushed. “W-what kind of question is—”

“I need to know whether you were as crazy as I was about you.” His smile was both teasing and gentle. “Please?”

“Fine.” She eventually succumbed with a sigh. “Remember back then when you said you were going on a date with that girl you’d been seeing for two weeks? Not sure why, but when I thought about you kissing her, I was also thinking about you kissing me.”

“You did?” He gaped, mouth wide open. “Way back then? And you still went out with those douchebags instead of being with me?” He protested, sinking his face in his pillow as he muffled his whine. “Noonaaaa~”

“It was just a fleeting thought! It wasn’t anything that serious.” She put on her stockings, having the hardest time focusing from all the embarrassment she had to endure. “What about you?”

“What about me?”

“Well, now that I know you’ve been thinking about me that way for quite some time, what kind of things did you imagine us doing?” And when he didn’t answer right away, lost for words, she added with a sly smirk. “Don’t tell me you jacked off while thinking about me.”

He was good at controlling his expressions, but his ears betrayed him right away from how red they were turning. “No comment,” he muttered, sinking half of his face into his pillow.

She rolled her eyes, snorting. “Well, that’s fair.”

“What about the future? Have you ever thought about our future together?” The sudden question made her gaze back at him. “What do you see happening to us in ten years?”

She was fiddling with the buttons of her blouse, but her mind drifted somewhere else. She had thought about it. Thought about growing old with him. Thought about them getting married, have a child—or maybe three. Thought about how nervous and panicky he would get when her water broke, and how whiny he would be whenever she asked him to do house chores but ended up doing everything perfectly. She had thought about how cute he’d look as a father, telling a little boy—who looked exactly like him—during his first try at riding a bicycle that it’s okay to cry if it hurts when you fall because daddy is going to hug you and make the pain go away, okay?

She had thought about it, more often than not, but he had just graduated from college and she was in her first year working as an intern in a high-tech company. They still had a lot of things going on in their lives. Maybe he wasn’t ready to settle down yet. Maybe he needed time.

“Babe?” He called. “You’ve been quiet for a while.”

“You want an honest answer?”

“Yes, please.”

“I see you growing bald from all of those hair products you use.”

“Why you little—”

***

“What’s this?” She questioned as he slid a little black box with a red bow wrapped around it—a spitting image of the gift she had presented to him a few years back—into her hand. She remembered the joke he made that night, so she mirrored his action, faking a gasp while squealing, “No way, you’re proposing to me? But honey, I’m already carrying your child!”

He laughed, a bit bashful and awkward, but he understood her joke. “But wait, if you’re seriously carrying my child, I will hate you for the rest of my life for breaking the news like this.”

“I’m not, calm down.” She chuckled, and they walked next to each other again, enjoying how peaceful the Han River was at night, with cherry blossoms petals dancing in the wind.

“Are you cold?” He asked though she was already wearing multi-layered clothes.

“What, are you gonna wrap your coat around me?”

“Nah, just asking. I’m more sensitive to cold than you anyway.”

“Thanks.” She rolled her eyes before she focused back on the tiny present. “What is this for? Our anniversary is still a month away.”

“Just shut up and open it.” He sniffed from the cold, tucking his hands deeper inside his coat. “And hurry up. I’m freezing. I need you to warm me up.”

“I swear to God, can’t you at least be romantic for five minutes?”

“Okay, five minutes. After that, we’ll run back home and have hot, dirty sex.”

She scowled at him which he returned wholeheartedly with a playful kiss on her cheek. She opened the box and smiled when she saw a similar oval locket necklace that matched the one he wore around his neck. “You’re so predictable,” she sneered, taking the necklace in her hand. “But I love it.”

“You haven’t seen what’s inside.” He whispered close in her ear. “I’ll give you a little spoiler. It’s not a picture of us taking a bath together when we were kids but it’s something similar.”

“Ah, I get it. Is it the time when we—” But her sentence ended abruptly in silence at the sight of the words that were engraved on the silver plate.

Will you marry me?

“Haechannie—” And as she turned around to face him, he already had one knee on the ground, taking her hand in his and she could feel shivers running through his fingertips. The soft glow of the streetlight illuminated his face most beautifully, with his bangs fluttering softly under the wind. His chocolate brown eyes were so gentle, so loving, so shy, matching the way his cheeks were reddening with more seconds passing by. When he pronounced her name, it felt like he was casting spells on her, bewitching her with his smile, his voice, his scent, his everything.

“Okay, so I’ve written a whole speech—like, a whole speech,” he repeated, emphasizing with a deeper voice. “And it would probably take me a good half an hour to recite it to you and I don’t think either of us wants to stand here for even a minute longer, so if you can just say yes now, I’ll do the speech later when we’re warm and cozy and naked in our bed.”

She was prepared to cry in joy but she ended up crying from the hilarity of it all. “What the hell was that? Haechannie—”

“I’m serious, Noona, a whole speech!” His teeth were beginning to chatter. “Trust me! Can you just accept my stupid proposal now so we can go home?”

“What is this, a blackmail?”

“Noona~”

She hauled him up to his feet again with both hands. “Well then, let’s go home,” she said, sinking their intertwined hands in her coat’s pocket before she tugged him forward. “If you amaze me with that whole speech of yours, then I’ll say yes.”

Donghyuck grinned. “You got it.”

He kept his promise from the beginning to the end. As they stepped into the little apartment they had been sharing in secret for the last few months, Donghyuck had her pressed against the wall, kicking the front door closed with one foot, before he moved it to slide his knee between her thighs, giving her the friction she needed. Clothes were soon scattered on the floor as they walked and tripped their way to the bedroom, silently shouting gratitudes to the heater that kept the place warm while they were gone.

“So,” she breathed against his mouth, pressing her bare chest to his slightly colder one. “Your speech. Go.”

“In a minute,” he said, smirking as he gestured her to sit on the edge of the bed. When she followed, he kneeled in front of her, spread her legs apart, and licked his lower lip as he stared at her arousal. He pushed his bangs out of his eyes, saying, “I have my priorities and this. comes. first,” and he dipped his head low, hot tongue pressing against her most sensitive part, forcing her to chant his name like a prayer.

But when their feet were tangled around one another on the bed, her hands buried deep in his hair while he raked his fingernails down her spine, Donghyuck murmured the things she didn’t realize she needed to hear. He reminded her of the precious memories they had shared, of the feelings they had even back then when they were too young to understand love, of his promises to make her happy—to make her feel complete and infinite until the end of her days—and of his cute, little fantasies of how the future was going to be for the two of them and their future children.

And as he pounded into her, with hard, deep thrusts, hips moving faster and faster each time she moaned against his ear, driving him to the edge of his sanity, he demanded her to say her answer to his proposal. With pleasure clouding her mind, she could no longer think about any word other than yes.

***

“It has a private pool and a jacuzzi, you’ll love it, babe, trust me,” Donghyuck said into his phone, grinning to himself every time he heard a giggle coming from the other line. “I know I said no surprises this time, but I made the reservation like a month ago so you can’t really blame me for it.”

He silently thanked the florist who handed him a bouquet of red roses before he exited the store and head back to his car. He placed the flowers on the passenger seat next to him, along with two little custom-made alpaca plushies wearing wedding attires, and a tiny white box with a pair of engagement rings inside.

“Look, we’re celebrating your birthday in that resort whether you like it or not,” he said, looking like he was about to burst into laughter in a matter of seconds from hearing her adorable complaints. “It’s not that expensive, I swear! And even if it is, I’m completely fine with using my three months' worth of salary to please my girlfriend.” There was a loud shouting on the other side of the line, and he chuckled, “I’m kidding, Noona. Look, I’m heading to your workplace. I’ll see you in half an hour, okay?” His gaze softened. “Me too. I love you too. Bye.”

When the line got disconnected, Donghyuck leaned against the back of his seat, huffing to the air, his heart banging loud against his chest. The first proposal was all fun and games, but this time, he was serious about it. He had prepared everything, dressed sharply in a black suit and a white buttoned-up shirt, and memorized his lines by heart from practicing it over a hundred times in front of his bathroom mirror a few hours ago. He had taken a day off to make sure everything went perfectly, but now as he seated behind the wheels, about to see her face and the bright, beautiful smile she always threw at him whenever he graced her with his presence, he became so nervous, so afraid of ruining his plan.

A text message arrived, interrupting his thoughts.

There’s a birthday gift on my desk under your name. My co-workers are getting jealous. Why are you so perfect?

And before he could reply, another one came by.

I love you, Haechannie.

All of his concerns began to dissipate from his chest. It would be okay if he ruined one thing or two while undergoing his plan. She would forgive him with a smile. She always did. She had always accepted him the way he was.

So he texted her back.

There’s no life without you, Noona.

And that was the truth. He had only truly lived because of her.

He placed his phone on the dashboard of his car, wore back his seatbelt, and started the engine. His thoughts were so full of her as much as his heart was, that a smile began to grow permanent on his face. Even as he began to drive, he still had the hardest time focusing on everything else but her.

It was until a truck passed at high speed, smashed his car from the side with a loud, thunderous bang, sending tremors of pain all over his body before his thoughts could process the details.

And suddenly, what was once vibrant with a spectrum of colors, his world turned monochromatic once again.

***

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tominostuff · 4 years ago

Text

Oshii Mamoru x Anno Hideaki Char’s Counterattack Fan Club Book

Published: January 1993

Just the first 3 pages as a teaser lol

Influence

Anno: As a creator, I like CCA because you can hear Mr. Tomino’s very genuine voice in it. But Mr. Oshii, you tend to dislike doing that. You try to sugarcoat your true intentions and hide it deep within. So, it’s unexpected that someone like you enjoyed CCA.

Oshii: Well, isn’t it just that? As you said, Mr. Tomino’s raw voice is all out in the open.

Anno: Yes. It’s very direct. I think sensitive people may even harbor hatred for it.

Oshii: (Kazunori) Itou-kun apparently stopped watching 5 minutes in. When he heard the first “heavenly punishment” line, he couldn’t follow along anymore and stopped (laughs). Since he used to be at Sunrise, he probably sees more.

So [whether or not you like the movie] is probably decided by what kind of reaction you’d have to hearing lines like 修正 “correction” or 粛清 “purge” or 天誅 “heavenly punishment.” Since there’s bound to be many people who have a dislike towards words like that. Especially older people react towards “purge” and “correction.” For the pre-war faction, “correction” meant military lynching and for people after the 70s, “correction” means demonstrator/political radicals or controlled lynching. There’s also the Red Army (JRA) issue as well.

If it were a movie, they may have not been bothered by it but since it’s an animation. There is a gap between the raw human intentions and the drawn world. And that actually makes a bigger impact. So for people who dislike seeing undiluted emotions show up on screen, they just can’t do it.

Anno: I wasn’t bothered by it.

Oshii: I think you and I were making things during the awkward off season of animation. People like Miya-san (Miyazaki Hayao) who were swept along by Toei and made animations for kids versus people who were pursuing movies and ended up in an anime studio...our generation of people is the in-between, so we understand both sides. We are caught between both the part that’s making shows for kids and the part that wants to make movies that we are personally satisfied with. So, depending on where you place the center of balance, you end up making a completely different thing.

On one hand, I felt that this movie could only be accepted by people like that. The older folk just thought it was bad. People in the anime industry especially. And for younger folk, they don’t know how to process an undiluted political world like that one. Despite all of this, the theaters were pretty full. And that’s probably due to the influence of Gundam.

It was around the same time as Patlabor. Even though Mr. Tomino did whatever he wanted in Gundam, and I worked on Patlabor with the same Shochiku, when the high ups at Shochiku came to the press release for the previous Patlabor installment, they just said “I didn’t understand anything” and left. “Nothing made sense.” They were grumbling, “but robot anime originally was like this” as they went home. Which I think was thanks to Gundam (laughs).

Even so, I was impressed that a script like CCA was greenlit. How could they release something like that. Probably because they weren’t watching it very seriously. Everyone is so enchanted by the surface-level space war aspect that there’s very few people who accurately grasp Mr. Tomino’s intentions.

Anno: I didn’t understand it the first time I watched it.

Oshii: The idea itself is not anything exceptional. It doesn’t come up to the surface but… to exaggerate, this is about present day, but as a phenomenon, in Japan maybe after the 70s? Among the political ideas that collapsed in the 60s was a type of retaliation ideology….. There’s a bit of nihilism in it, but basically there existed a political thought that placed its basis on the idea that “humans are no good.” However, that never made its way into the mainstream and much less in a world like animation, the center of popular culture, the fact that it showed up so suddenly was a surprise. It was almost pure literature.

To want to retaliate against humanity or to want to correct humanity… truth be told, I also had similar thoughts. For example, the upcoming Patlabor has a bit of that in it. There’s a desire to seek revenge against a kind of deceptive inquisitiveness of this generation. However, I’m hesitant about being too direct about it (laughs)... more like I personally, am not a fan of being so direct…. And to go so far as to start saying the intellectuals that, the masses this. That part of the dialogue was probably an exact reflection of Mr. Tomino’s beliefs. As a method of expression, I would never do something like declaring my true beliefs during the movie.

Just, the one thing I don’t get is why he suddenly did something like that. I actually haven’t watched the Gundam series too seriously so when I saw that, it seemed out of the blue. Perhaps he had laid the foundations for it earlier but I actually haven’t watched anything since Zeta Gundam. Watched the first Gundam and then suddenly CCA. So I don’t know what happened in this gap but it probably wasn’t anything sudden, it was probably always present.

Anno: Yes. I think he spit out everything he had accumulated, or more like, he put an end to things.

Ideologies

Oshii: When you’re working on anime, you’re required to be different from an ordinary movie director. Even though it may look like we’re doing whatever we please, there are some things that we just can’t do. In a live action, even if it’s a bit explicit it may not be a huge problem… but with anime, there’s the first psychological barrier of the people who have to draw it. And when you think about it, the first person who did those things was Mr. Tomino. Like the child who fires in front of his mother. Or the boy or girl, I forget, that got their head blown off along with their helmet.

When I saw Ideon, I believe it was when I was working on The Wonderful Adventures of Nils at Pierrot, it gave me such a shock. And it became the topic of discussion among directors at the studio. We wondered if it was okay to make something like that. My mentor, Mr. Tori (Hisayuki Toriumi), was someone who would do rather sadistic things. Like, Gatchaman was horrible. People would get hung with chains and beaten with a whip or Joe the Condor would get his face stepped on and messed up. He’s done pretty controversial things over the years. However, he never was as raw. After all, we had passed the era where such direct expression is allowed.

There were a few taboos that were said to exist in anime, the destruction of bodies being one of them, but the bigger one that existed was probably, “politics.” To express your own political beliefs in the anime you were creating. I don’t mean things like post-war democracy or Tezuka Osamu’s humanism, etc, but radical revolutionary ideas, betrayed ressentiment (concept of resentment or hostility related to 19th century thinkers like Friedrich Neitzche), feelings of grudge, etc. have no place in anime. No one explicitly says it but as you spend time at the studio, you naturally begin to realize that’s the limit. If you want to do it, you have to change its shape. So like in Urusei Yatsura or Patlabor, I had to disguise it as a type of metaphor or a running joke. So even if you’re allowed to have a miniature battle for authority in a school setting… well, originally, even that was going too far, I was told many things by different people… it wasn’t like anyone said anything openly but no one thought to do it in the first place. The reason why is because everyone thought animation was the wrong place to be testing such ideas, who’s going to want to watch something like that.

Back when Toei made Future War 198x, circulation boards went around and the Toei Animation Company labor union went on strike and all that, but inside, there were a lot of debates happening. Especially among directors wondering how they should take it all. Regardless of the fact that the age of the average anime watcher was increasing due to the anime boom, where exactly do we place the limit? Is it okay for us to try things that an ordinary live action director might do? For the generation of directors above us, these questions existed in a more tangible form. Whenever there was destruction of bodies or kiss scenes, like Mr. Tori did once in Gatchaman, every time something like that would happen on screen, production companies would file complaints or the TV stations would complain, and there would be this back and forth. Even so, there were people who wanted to depict these things. But in other words, that was it. The complaints were only on the artistic level. What that person did in CCA is leagues beyond that.

The philosophies or policies or themes, those things aren’t in there because the movie needs it, no, the ideology is first and foremost (laughs). It’s probably forgiven because it’s underneath the umbrella of Gundam but even so, I was surprised that they could go that far.

And, I was surprised a second time when there was no reaction to it. I spoke about this with Anno over the phone but, there’s no talk about it, good or bad. Why is there no reaction to such a radical outburst? There were probably a few entries to some anime magazines, I’ve seen a few of them myself, but in the end they were just the usual debates about war in Gundam.

In that way, it was as I expected. By “as expected” I mean, even if one speaks of such ideals in animation, who is going to see it, and how? This is a problem that I’m always facing myself because the stories that I want to create aren’t reaching the audience that I desire. And that’s probably because it’s anime. If it were live action, you could just leave it alone and a bunch of critics would come along and say what they want. Even if it’s just some boring police drama, they’d dig up all this nonsense to write. Conversely, [CCA] didn’t receive attention because it was anime. Because it was anime, the ideas presented in it were overlooked. To Mr. Tomino, that was probably extremely regrettable. Because I am always experiencing similar things. The anime isn’t reaching the people who are supposed to see it. That is what I felt from it.

Anno: Anime as a method of expression is very infantile. Especially facial expressions, angry faces have raised eyebrows, crying faces have tears in their eyes, blurry pupils means they are crying; if a foreigner saw this, I don’t think they’d understand. Japanese people are trained to understand to some extent so they know “oh they’re crying right now.”

However, whether the character is crying because they are happy or because they are sad, cannot be understood through just the art, without dialogue and the whole package. So, whether hands go flying or blood is shed, at the end of day, they’re all cell humans. Even if they speak, it's just 3 frames of mouths going open and close. I think the sincere attitude of trying to go so far through such childish means of expression and in the even more remote region of robot anime is amazing. I don’t think there were any directors like this until now.

Oshii: Yeah, there weren’t. I didn’t think he would take it that far. Although, I had sensed that vibe from Gundam itself. The structure of war depicted in it probably made that kind of thing possible. I don’t know how much he had pre-planned while he was creating the initial settings for the show but… it’s probably something similar to Patlabor where you start realizing “oh this is possible too” as you go. But, I kind of understand why it came out of a robot anime. With gag anime or home drama, school stories, these things would definitely be caught in a check at some stage. It’s probably due to the very combative world of robot anime, which depicts war, that kind of thing was passed (laughs).

Anno: That’s right. It was probably only possible because it had its beginnings as “just an ad for robot toys.”

Resignation

Oshii: Back when Urusei just finished airing, I met Mr. Yasuhiko at a magazine interview. It was right when the manga, Todonotsumari, was serializing in Animage. The first thing that person said was, “Animators like the ones depicted in [that manga] don’t exist. The anime studio environment that you are creating there is the furthest from an anime studio in reality. It’s what doesn’t exist the most. Why do you do this?” That’s when I sensed a bit of the resignation or frustration that generation of uncles hold towards animation. To put it bluntly, it's a type of inferiority complex.

I, too, was told that when I entered Tatsunoko. “In the end it’s just an ad for toys. So don’t put too much effort into it. If you don’t keep it at a minimum, you’ll only feel disappointed at the end. If you become too serious about making a masterpiece or making a film, you won’t make it in this industry.” I got a lot of that. Whether they were sakuga directors, animators, producers, bosses. From different people, in different ways, I was told many things. To summarize, that’s pretty much what they’d tell me. “The anime job is not a place for that.”

I’m generalizing but the generation above us started from a place of resignation. Like the background artist who couldn’t feed themselves off of oil paintings or the animator who couldn’t become a mangaka, it’s not nice to say but the industry was full of people who drifted into it. It was that kind of world. But there were good sides to it being that kind of world. No one would comment on what other people were doing.

Like, I was told at the beginning, “Don’t criticize other people’s work.” And not only did this apply to people in my own studio but I also wasn’t allowed to say this and that about what Toei was doing. From the start I was still in the mindset of a film bro so I’d complain “what is that?” but I was told off not only by older directors but also by directors my own age. Was it Mashimo Koichi? (laughs). “It’s easy to spot as many faults as you’d like in other people’s work. So there’s an infinite number of criticisms you can make. The only thing that matters is what you yourself creates.” To that I said, “I don’t think so. I have the ability to state why boring things are boring with logic to back it up so I should be allowed to. If we don’t say these things out loud, nothing will change. In exchange, I don’t care how badly my work gets criticized.” That’s a very normal thing. Bar fights are constant in the movie industry. “Why doesn’t it work in the same way in the anime industry?” is how I felt.

So, until I met Miya-san I was always frustrated. Meeting Miya-san was the first time…. cause that person is the same way. He says whatever he wants about other people’s work…just as I thought, this kind of person does exist. Even as we argue, even as we lovingly tear each other’s work apart, we are still together. I think that’s a very important skill as a director and even beyond that, I was perplexed as to why this wasn’t allowed in the anime industry.

The one thought I always held within all of this was that, before the sponsors or stations or whatever, the anime industry carved out territory for itself and didn’t try to leave it. So when the industry was forced to the forefront with the anime boom, the previously anonymous animators and directors suddenly found themselves in the limelight. And with that, all of the inferiority complexes came flooding out in a warped way.

For example, Mr. Yasuhiko’s Crusher Joe is unnecessarily cruel. Like small animals getting turned into meat clumps with a machine gun. Or patricide or siblings killing each other. Everything that had been suppressed until now came flooding out in a very warped way. Endlessly mass producing worthless children’s media that's neither good or bad would turn one’s literary consciousness inwards. So when you’re finally able to put work out there under your own name, all of that came out. Basically what I’m saying is that the balance is off. How far can you take things, from where should you start dialing back; everyone has their own parameters based on their unique method of expression. But they let everything out, completely ignoring these parameters.

When I saw this, I was full of complicated feelings. “Why do you guys have to have such a complex towards making animation?” I hated it so much because the generation below me doesn’t really have these taboos or warped perceptions.

Anno: They really don’t.

Crime of Conscience

Oshii: On the other hand, there are many things that you can do in anime that wouldn’t be allowed in Japanese movies. Ideas that would be stamped into the rejection pile for a Japanese movie can be expressed to a certain degree in anime….is what people discovered. One way to put it is, if you take “the way anime is viewed” in a societal sense and work within those means, then anything is possible…..or at least I felt (laughs). It’s only useful up to a certain point of course. Using a tactic of pushing and retreating to mix things up while creating a proper product on the other end was how I was doing my job. At the time. Even now I feel I work in a similar way but it’s different. We become wary and don’t do it like that. We’d try to cheat things by having it take place in an alternate universe. Or if you’re trying to depict a rebellion, don’t draw it from the rebel side but from the police side instead (laughs).

Even today, although it takes a different form, the idea that animation is for kids still persists. Showing nude bodies, and not cute things like shower scenes or skirt flipping, but in the context of lovers or affairs, passionate love or a world where politics are spoken about so clearly, is going to be rejected. But if you add “somewhere out in outer space,” sometimes it slips past the radar and gets greenlit.

However, I think Mr. Tomino knew what he was doing.

Anno: I think so too.

Oshii: When I saw it, I thought “he did this on purpose.” There’s probably parts that I understand because I am also a creator. It was well balanced. There was none of the off-balanceness of Mr. Yasuhiko. Of course, what lies underneath is the same. At the foundation is this inner warped hatred towards animation movies. On the other hand, he understands that he’s just an anime person and can't express things well when he’s separate from anime. That kind of thing, however, was pretty well controlled when it came to Char’s Counterattack. Therefore, there is no doubt that it was a crime of conscience.

However, even if it was on purpose, I still think the film was too blunt. I thought it would be better to disguise it a little more, dress it up a little more, camouflage it, and wear a covering, something.

Anno: On the contrary, I thought that’s what made it so masculine or cool.

Oshii: It’s dangerous. Danger is not about being socially sanctioned, criticized, or denounced, but rather straightforward words suggesting revolution, intellectuals this and that, and correcting or imposing sanctions on humankind… if you are not careful about it, the intentions may be flipped on you. In other words, you run the risk of becoming a gag. Political language is rather delicate, isn’t it? If you do it too much, like those violent student protesters who often appear in TV dramas, it becomes a comedy act that’s so ugly you can’t even call it a parody. That’s why, in Urusei Yatsura, Megane, the plot device guy, was doing everything exaggeratedly as a running joke. That's because I thought that if I didn't do it that way, it wouldn't pass, and I, personally, wanted to see it. There was a part of me that felt detached. And that was funny in itself. The fact remains that even to me, that era, while there were some painful parts, I also felt that it was humorous. Some parts are nostalgic, and some parts make me feel even disgusted. I found some salvation in letting everything out through a plot device character like Megane. That kind of thing, if you do it seriously, it's just painful.

In short, political language is pretty delicate…. Going back to the phrase “heavenly punishment.” I’m positive that there’s people who laughed at that phrase. Because we’re talking “heavenly punishment” in a space environment. What he’s doing is describing the “February 26 Incident” verbatim but the world he’s created is a future battlefield in outer space. There’s an immense gap. The younger generation may not care about it, though. I've always felt that kind of thing from Sunrise. There is something off about them. It seems that there are people who strangely want to enumerate dead languages.

My scariest thought is that there’s probably people who laughed at CCA. That they found it comical. The fact these imperial loyalist type characters are living out the “one person one kill” kind of world in outer space. I avoided writing these kinds of stories for this exact reason. ‘Cause at some point, someone is going to laugh. Like the drama, “Hyokin Tribe” from back in the day. You write the drama very seriously and in the end, it all flips on its head. It’s the generation where (serious) things are seen in a cynical manner. I am conscious of the enemy waiting, ready to turn everything into laughs. Especially when it comes to anime, anything is possible so you take it very seriously until the very end where it’s all comedy. The moment that becomes obvious, everything you’ve accumulated becomes invalid. So I prefer it the other way around, to create the mood, “this is a lie, it’s all jokes,” and then reveal that it was actually my true intention all along. I feel that it’s more effective to build up the jokes and then bring it into the real world at the end. In short, you can’t be seen through this way. If you ask me, the modern movie goer is rather twisted. A naive audience doesn’t exist. Within that, however, many anime viewers are among the exceptionally naive. They get impressed right away. As if they’re prepared to be impressed. Compared to the average viewer, anime watchers are easy to deceive, to the point where I go, “why are you so naive?” They easily go along with your tricks. They are waiting, ready to go along with anything you offer them. It’s the same mentality as the people who come to anime events and go, “since I’m already here, I am prepared to get my money’s worth by laughing at everything, even the parts that aren’t funny, and have a good time with everyone.” From a customer’s point of view, it’s such a naive mindset….maybe even going past naive into sly territory. Speaking broadly about movies in general, half-baked drama, half-baked crying or overly sentimental things doesn’t work on audiences nowadays. Rather, they are looking for ways to laugh at it.

Ever since that TV drama, "Stewardess Monogatari", I've been endlessly wary of such things. The goal is to make people laugh, not be laughed at. The movie is useless unless we (the creators) hold on to the hegemony.

Oshii: So when I saw CCA, I thought, there are definitely people out there who got together to drink and laugh out loud while watching this movie. And those who didn’t, said they couldn’t bear to watch it and stopped watching. Since they immediately develop a dislike for it. And the people who watched it seriously are hardcore robot fans, or Gundam fans…… they probably watched it very passionately (laughs). When you remove all of that, the message is clear. It’s completely anachronistic….. well, rather than anachronistic, I think what he’s doing is to a certain extent effective. It’s similar to what I was doing last year (Patlabor 2?).....he's speaking very sincerely, but depending on what kind of world and audiences see this movie, it will become a very unfortunate movie.

Anno: I think that movie is so one-sided though. I can’t imagine he had the audience in mind while he was making it.

Oshii: Well there was a sense of agitation, “there’s no way you’ll understand!”

Anno: I get that sense from the fighting spirit of the film.

Oshii: Because humans are somewhat beyond saving, even if you look at history, we haven’t done anything good. Probably even in the next century, whether humans go out into space, humans will repeat the same stupidity, getting everything and everyone involved and ruining it. That’s why he said, if God isn’t going to do it, I will.

Tsuge (Patlabor) and Char were thinking the same thing, basically wanting to impose punishment. It’s the story of a terrorist who, even if they don’t manage to impose that punishment, can reveal the naked truth just for a moment. It's the world that Miya-san hates most (laughs).

Miyazaki Hayao

Anno: But there’s probably a part of Miya-san that actually wants to write that kind of story.

Oshii: Somewhere yes. Take Nausicaa for example, within that world called “Nausicaa” there are characters with that sort of “scent.” Even that person (Miyazaki) has his own variations of this. It’s just that he has internalized that making it a reality would be a bad thing.

Anno: But his true feelings are Lepka (Future Boy Conan) or somewhere around there.

Oshii: Yes his real thoughts are somewhere different. That’s because that person is very strategic about what he puts out into the world and how. And it’s not necessary for the work to align with his truth.

Anno: Speaking of revealing one’s truth, I had expectations for Porco Rosso but what part of that was true, damn it (laughs).

Oshii: His truth was in there. But not of observations on humanity or the world, his truths about his personal life was the only thing in it. Especially surrounding troubles with women (laughs). And of course, only people who know him personally would understand such a thing. In that sense, it goes far beyond the craftiness of Patlabor; Porco Rosso is way more sly. He let everything out in that film and even left excuses for himself.

When you take off the pig mask, Miya-san is underneath. If he truly wanted to create a world that’s so unheard of and positive like that, why did the pig need to wear a trenchcoat and smoke? They just need to be going oink oink. It would’ve been a much more fun anime that way. If he wanted to make an anime that’ll make the kids happy, then there’s no need to make it so hard boiled, they should’ve just been oinking….cause pigs don’t need to speak. The pig goes oink oink, and is for some reason is good at piloting a plane. Then it would’ve been so much fun. But it’s not like that. And the reason it's not is because he wanted to show his truth….more like, he wanted to dispel his own sorrows through making this film. The audiences had it okay but his staff who had to go along with this are so pitiful. That’s the true pig curse. I bet they couldn’t stand it. Because they’re Miya-san’s excuse.

#cca doujin #hideaki anno #mamoru oshii #finish someday #translations #interview

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veryvincible · 4 years ago

Note

Do you think you could share some of your Tony Ty youth/relationship days hcs? hehe

Yours truly,

Tys obsessed fan

Oh boy! I have been sitting on this for a few days now, because there is, uh, a lot. Also, I adore you, and I love every Ty ask I receive.

I think this post would end up far too long if I responded the way I desire to in my heart, so I’ll keep it relatively simple (edit: it did not stay relatively simple, and also it branched out slightly into other topics. This is so very long. Be warned.)

Content warnings here for psychological/emotional abuse/domestic abuse/child abuse!

I like to think they didn’t really have a “let’s get together!” moment. I think they ended up becoming close, they were casual with each other, and it just kind of... became what it became. I think they probably ended up using labels at some point, but I don’t think there was ever an official, “Would you like to go out on a date with me?” or “Would you want to be, like, boyfriends?” moment.

I think Tony was a generally isolated kid (obviously, he gained acquaintances like Bruce and potentially Reed as he grew older, but you know) and Ty was... probably also a generally isolated kid. Ty may have had a few other “friends” around, given what we know about him; he’s certainly charismatic. I don’t think Ty would have really developed close friendships with many people, though, given that his personality seems more rotten the closer you get to him.

We don’t see a lot of their childhood together at all, so this is almost entirely shit I’ve come up with for the sake of fic writing and general note-taking for the sake of coherency with how I write Ty, but.

One thing I tend to lean toward is the idea that Ty had kind of an awful home life. This isn’t really an, “Aw, boo, so sad, what a tragic man,” sort of thing so much as it is that... I think Ty and Tony are at their most interesting when they’re contrasting forces, and the idea of Tony (a victim of abuse who broke the cycle) becoming friends with Ty (a victim of abuse who perpetuates the cycle) at a young age, not in spite of their differences but because of them, is something I really like to think about.

We don’t actually get much of Ty’s parents in canon-- they’re kind of implied to be, like, Fine Parents. They’re contrasted with Howard Stark, who pulls the shark-eat-shark business motherfucker thing and basically causes Mr. Stone’s business to, like. Drown, or whatever. You know. The contrast there is implied, and I respect that for what it is. That being said, that’s not what interesting for me to write, and as such, I’ve chosen to tweak these little details for the sake of my more personalized (and slightly more self-indulgent) fic writing experience.

I think there’s a lot of potential in considering the differences between how they act at home as opposed to how they act with each other, too. I think Home Tony is generally apprehensive and subdued, but more uncertain and anxious than outright fearful 24/7. In IM Vol. 1, Howard was shown to be unpredictable; we got to see a lot of bad, but there were also sparkling moments wherein they seemed to be bonding as a father-son duo, and Tony would actually get to work with his father and learn from his father. I think that very well could have exacerbated the anxiety he felt, because he’s not being taught to never touch anything ever-- he’s being taught that there are very specific circumstances under which he’s able to explore as he’d like to, and those circumstances are 1) virtually impossible to accurately predict and 2) subject to change at the drop of a hat. So, Tony has been shown to be at least a little bit capable of testing the waters with what he’s allowed to do in the house and what he’s not allowed to do. That doesn’t make it any less anxiety-inducing, it just makes him a tiny, tiny bit of a more active child than one who’s constantly paralyzed.

Home Ty, to me, would be the opposite-- he is fearful 24/7, and as such, his behavior as a child is kind of... flawless, at least in the eyes of parents who think that children should be seen, not heard (and sometimes not even seen). I think both of his parents were abusive-- his father more so than his mother, but certainly both of them, if only because I think it would be yet another nice contrast between him and Tony, whose mother wasn’t perfect but certainly tried harder and felt more for Tony than Howard did. I like to think Ty was kept on a very short leash at home; boundaries were predictable, there were no “glimmering moments” he could grasp onto in order to make him feel like there was ever a chance of having normal family dynamics, and he was too afraid to really... do anything about it.

In contrast, I think Boarding School Ty was probably a lot pushier, a lot more risk-taking, and generally just... took up more space. I think he was still pretty fearful of authority and nervous about punishment, but he was well aware of the fact that this was distinctly different from being at home and that most people at school didn’t give a flying fuck about him. It likely could have been both liberating and anxiety inducing for someone so used to being around people who found it important to control him. I think he was probably pretty manipulative at this point, but I don’t think it was at the point where you would point to him and go, “Oh, what a fucked up, toxic person!”, especially since he was, like... a little fucking dude. Like, a fucking young’un. But I think the seeds were sort of planted here, and given that he had no healthy relationships to model himself after, he worked off of the assumption that in order to have control as opposed to being controlled, he needed to 1) possess things, 2) protect them aggressively, and 3) make sure his authority wasn’t threatened.

Boarding School Tony (from what little we’ve seen of him, though we can imagine he was probably similar to pre-boarding school Tony for a while, just with more Issues now) was probably the opposite-- less willing to take up space and less willing to take risks. It’s not unimaginable to assume that he might have thought his (extremely) mild exploratory tendencies might have had something to do with the abandonment, and he very well could have adjusted accordingly; if him causing trouble for people was what pushed his parents to leave him, he would very simply not cause trouble. A lot of this is nabbed from Adult Tony tendencies, wherein pretty much everyone else is prioritized over himself and he’s practically incapable of finding himself worthy of anything at all.

It’s the classic “extrovert friend-adopts an introvert” trope, except... it’s a severely damaged child feeling gutsy enough to finally, finally take up space and find something to possess and control for his own for once... friend-adopting a severely damaged child who very likely feels like the best way to proceed in relationships is to very clearly identify boundaries, figure out what it is the other person wants from him, and try to adhere to those desires as much as he’s able.

Of course, canon portrays the relationship as a “friendly rivalry” that Ty takes much more seriously than Tony does. From what we’ve seen of Tony, though, Tony doesn’t actually want to be better than anyone. In fact, he tries his best to make it seem like the opposite. He treats everyone like they’re on the same level, he tries to simplify the concepts he’s explaining so no one feels inferior to him, and, generally, he just... isn’t much of a braggart. That isn’t to say competitive/proud people can’t be kind and gentle and want to level the playing field often, but in Tony’s case, it seems that competition is best for two things: 1) having two intelligent, capable people trying to outdo each other and, in the process, creating better and better technology for the betterment of society at large, and 2) lighthearted fun.

For Ty, it very clearly wasn’t just lighthearted fun, and I think most of their childhood rivalry would have become formulaic at a point: Tony would put a good amount of effort into their competitions, but if it seemed that Ty was lagging behind too much, Tony would simply back off and let things even out. I don’t think Ty was predictably a sore loser; in fact, I think he was unpredictable, and I think a part of Tony that had only known life to be unpredictable found some level of sick comfort in that.

For Tiberius Stone specifically, I tend to read more into the unintended consequences/implications of his character based on one-off lines that... weren’t really intended to say much. The story canon gives us isn’t incohesive, exactly! It’s a pretty good story, especially if you’re not hellbent on analyzing character motivations. There’s just a lot about Ty that doesn’t seem very stable. Obviously, he’s not a stable person, given that he, uh, freaked the fuck out and tried to take over the world. But when I say Ty doesn’t seem very stable, I mean his character doesn’t seem the most stable at a second glance; we’re given conflicting accounts about his motivations, his intentions, his past, and even what he’s trying to do in the moment. And some of these inconsistences can be found in dialogue from Ty’s own mouth.

Now, if you read into it from a point of view that’s canon-adjacent as opposed to canon-compliant (i.e., assuming there’s much more of a story there than canon offers, and canon’s “case closed!” for the timeline of Ty’s life isn’t actually a closed case), you can gauge not only some level of dysregulation, but also... a level of delusion, almost. Ty seems disconnected from reality, but it’s not like there’s one single alternate timeline of events that’s cohesive in his head. It feels like his view of the world and, most importantly, himself (and this is excluding dialogue wherein he’s explicitly lying to Tony in order to manipulate him).

Most notably, we can kind of gauge fluctuations in his own views of his self worth. He engages in constant competition with Tony, he refuses to come back to America after leaving until he’s more successful than Tony, and pretty much everything he does is to prove he’s better than Tony. So, he thinks he’s better than Tony, right?

Well, not really. Because so much of his life was spent with the understanding that he wasn’t better than Tony. That was the whole reason he was gone for so long. He said he’d come back once he’d beat Tony, and... he still hadn’t beaten Tony. The beginning of the narrative leads you to assume that he thinks his big victory was being richer somehow, but it was all a set-up to bait Tony into Dreamvision. He comes across like he wants to kill Tony at first, and when that doesn’t work, he wants to... keep Tony. Like a pet, almost. But he also wants Tony to... kill him?

It’s a lot. It’s messy. It’s inconsistent. And that’s kind of what’s interesting about it. It (unintentionally, probably) suggests that Ty doesn’t have consistent motivations, which is something you do see often in people who are in survival mode in environments that don’t necessarily warrant it. It suggests a psychological wound that’s easy to poke at.

Essentially, Ty just comes across as very... hurt. Which, y’know, doesn’t justify shit and doesn’t make him any better of a person, but it provides the opportunity for some interesting narratives to sprout. Figuring out all the ways that Tony could unintentionally pick at this psychological wound of his and all the ways Ty could poorly respond is neat, I think, and I feel like these kinds of narratives tend to be very... raw, I guess, is the word I’m looking for. They just kind of hit hard, especially for those who have experienced similar situations.

It’s just something that’s terribly common in abusive relationships-- any implication that the traumatized abuser is doing something wrong can be a trigger for a borderline nervous breakdown, which makes communication practically impossible and, if the victim of the abuse feels obligated to stick around or take on the role of caretaker, turns the relationship into a cycle of insecurity and misery on all fronts. That’s not to say the abuser and the victim are suffering equally or are equally justified/valid, but it is a kind of relationship dynamic that can be incredibly cathartic to both write and read, and it’s also just... I don’t know. It just, as the kids say, hits different.

So, rewinding about four paragraphs there (whoops, this is getting long), I think most of my feelings about youth/relationship days Ty/Tony kind of center around this concept of two suffering people handling their trauma in totally opposite ways. I think it’s especially interesting to look at it from the point of view of them as younger adults (or teenagers, or children) who aren’t so set in their ways quite yet. You see these redemptive qualities and you see these children and these teenagers who are so, so ready to be helped and saved and cared for, but with the knowledge that they just... don’t get that. Not for a long time, at least.

It can feel fatalistic from a narrative standpoint, and... I mean, it kind of is. There are very few circumstances under which I could see Ty getting a redemption arc of any kind, and that’s kind of what makes a younger Ty so tragic. Everything he does is born of insecurity and anger, and everything Tony does is born of insecurity and love.

I think (for a short period of time, at least), they molded each other. Ty’s anger and competitiveness only solidified Tony’s inferiority complex and Tony’s inability to really, genuinely stand up against Ty in a way that would make any lasting meaningful changes only cemented the idea in Ty’s head that this was an acceptable way to be.

Now that that’s out of the way, here are some more simple and concise headcanons, because you asked for them and I’m sorry this became so terribly long and broke off in so many different directions:

- I think Tony and Ty bickered a lot as they got older. I don’t think Tony was totally incapable of standing up for himself, but I do think Tony probably had a tendency to call Ty out in the moment, and when Ty became too agitated and too unreasonable, Tony just left it alone and let it settle.

- I think Ty can play house extremely well. He probably remembers all of Tony’s favorite foods, favorite songs, favorite fabrics, favorite... I don’t know what other favorite things you could have, but you get my point. I don’t think he always used this information, but I think it would be incredibly important for him to know how to make someone feel loved, even if he didn’t always employ these methods (and in some cases, may have actively withheld certain kindnesses as acts of pettiness). I think it was also incredibly important for him to know Tony’s dislikes, for... obvious reasons.

- As I said before, I think Ty had a tendency to become terribly dysregulated; I think he was more than capable of both premeditated manipulation and unintentional manipulation. I think he very likely could have fallen into a spiral of thoughts that could make it pretty clear just how easily his self worth and his view of Tony’s worth fluctuated.

- Tony’s just... a stronger person than Ty. That’s a given. That’s been proven. And I think a lot of Tony’s willingness to put up with Ty would have come from this idea that he was more resilient and Ty was more fragile and volatile, so if Ty needed to take shit out on him every so often, that was fair enough.

- Another factor that may have played into Tony’s tolerance of Ty’s behavior in their youth (which, again, wasn’t nearly as awful as what Ty did as a grown ass man, given how Tony responded to Ty post-Dreamvision and how he pretty much immediately broke things off-- though, I very much enjoy the concept of Tony making some effort to make amends and Ty failing to meet him in the middle yet again) could have been the fact that it feels like Ty probably didn’t have a lot of other friends at all, especially not close friends. I think Tony would very much carry the weight of this “Maybe I’m the only person in the world who loves him” mindset. He values human life quite a bit, and I believe that even on a less intimate scale, if Tony tried to view the situation through the perspective of an outsider, he would still feel terribly, terribly saddened by the very human tragedy of being forced to take more than you can reasonably handle and becoming difficult to redeem as a result of this-- not because there’s no good left in you, but because you’re so frightened by the idea of even touching the trauma that you can’t force yourself to acknowledge you have a problem to begin with.

- I don’t think Ty feels the same comfort and warmth from physical contact that most people do, not because of anything innate (i.e. a natural preference), but because the only physical contact he received for a long, long time was, uh... Awful! That being said, I think he enjoys physical contact on the basis of being the center of attention, and he probably initiated physical contact quite a bit. I think Tony’s very big on physical contact, and Ty would very much play into Tony’s preferences here, too. Just to make himself seem like a better, more attentive boyf.

- This one is less tragic-- I think Ty and Tony get pretentious together! While I adore in-canon comparisons between Tony and the rest of high society, I also think a long-forgotten part of Tony’s character in fanon is the fact that he really does fit in with a more yacht-having crowd just as much as he fits in with your average Joes. He was raised by them and with them, after all, and his education was shaped by this. Of course he doesn’t love a lot of the culture around it, but with regards to the more harmless aspects of being a privileged kid in the environment he was in (the experiences one might have that aren’t inherently negative, that is, like having certain extracurriculars or being exposed to certain educational content), I think Ty and Tony really mesh here. Tony’s sense of humor with Ty would be totally different from his sense of humor with someone like Steve, which would also be totally different from his sense of humor with someone like Rumiko. Tony’s incredibly well-rounded, and I think he could match Ty’s Classics-loving, borderline classical theater kid tendencies very well.

- This one is 100% headcanon, based on virtually nothing other than, like, one comic panel... that isn’t even awesome evidence. It’s just a personal hc. I think Ty’s gay. Like, obviously, he’s gay for Tony, w/e. But I think Ty’s gay as in, Ty is exclusively attracted to men. The only women he ever had eyes for (or showed interest in) were the women that Tony had shown interest in/dated first, implying that there’s more of a possessive/competitive aspect than anything really... genuine. Of course, that doesn’t mean he can’t be bi, pan, or anything else (or straight, obviously, but this whole post is about him and a guy he likes to fuck, so that doesn’t really fit into the theme, here), but I prefer to write him as someone who’s only really interested in men (Tony specifically), and I prefer to write Tony as a bisexual man with a preference for women. This wasn’t really intended to be a big contrast between them; I had the headcanon for Tony already set in stone (haha), and for a long while I wrote Ty as a bi man, but recently I’ve kind of shifted things around to better accommodate my feelings about these characters.

- I love, love, love tattooed Ty. Get this man a quote in Latin on the base of his neck. Get this man some symbolic tattoos. Let this man be a poet who simultaneously wants to appear profound for appearances and wants to have these symbols on his body just because he likes them, and he likes to look at them, and they feel reflective of who he is. I have very specific Ty tattoo thoughts that I do not remember at all, but this is the gist of it.

- I think Ty handles the “normal” adventurous stuff, but he’s far more of a, uh... I don’t know, a pussy? than Tony is. Tony deals with actual threats; Ty deals with fake, stupid threats. Ty is the guy who rids the dorms of cockroaches when Tony’s too afraid to and Tony is the guy who handles home invasions.

- I think the vast majority of Ty’s abuse is emotional/psychological, not only because this is what comes most naturally to him and it’s easy for him to fall into these manipulative tendencies without necessarily thinking about it, but also because physical abuse would cross a line for him in his head that would be very difficult to ignore. I think, if you take into consideration how volatile he seems, his flip-flopping back and forth between how he feels about both himself and Tony could become more exaggerated and more severe, possibly leading to an irreversible breakdown of his psyche. I think there could very well be an, “Oh, I’ve become my father” moment if that were to happen, which is exactly why it doesn’t happen. Ty’s too wrapped up in this idea that, so long as he doesn’t cross that line, everything he does can still be justified. Which is garbage.

- Tiberius did not like Sunset Bain. Sunset Bain did not like Tiberius.

There’s a lot more that comes to mind, but this is already upwards of 30 paragraphs, and I, uh. Do not want to make this longer than it already is! So, do with that what you will.

Again, obligatory note here that this is canon-adjacent and canon-inspired, but not an analysis of canon material in the sense that I’m attempting to pick apart what the intents of the writers were. What canon provides is much more straightforward. These are headcanons, this is for funsies, and a lot of less important background details have been tweaked for the sake of the narratives that I, as a fanfic writer, would like to write and see written.

Thank you so much for the ask! This was legitimately so nice to write. I rarely ever get to spam about this, which is very likely why there’s just so much text every time I receive an ask like this, but. Again, it was very nice and I’m very grateful for you, anon.

#obligatory note here asking people to please not come into my askbox telling me about how much they hate-#- even the slightest implication that there might possibly be a single abuser out there not 100% rotten to their core #i have received. a lot of asks like this #and again as a victim of abuse whose views do not align with this it is so so so distressing to receive these #once more i am not saying anyone is wrong to believe what they believe #or to process things how they process things #but please please please don't ask me again and again to explain why exactly it is so draining for me to respond to these asks #you are valid! you deserve health and recovery and happiness and you need to do what you need to do to get that!#but please extend the same kindness to me and allow me to have my little corner of fandom wherein i also am able to find myself represented #tiberius stone #tony stark #cassks #abuse tw #abuse #child abuse tw #child abuse #long post #tyny

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fytheuntamed · 5 years ago

Note

Do you have any thoughts on why the novel might be so popular among lgbt people despite (sometimes quite obviously) being written by a straight women for straight women. I think this is quite evident in for example the sex scenes

Why do I think the novel is so popular amongst LGBTQ+ people despite being written by a straight woman for straight women? Simple! It’s a good story and the characters are complex and intriguing. No piece of media is ever perfect, so it simply comes down to whether an individual feels the positive aspects of the media outweigh the negative aspects of the media. Are there problematic aspects within the novel? Of course! But that doesn’t mean the novel as a whole should be disregarded. You can consume media while still being critical of it, just like you can like a character while acknowledging that they’re not a good person. LGBTQ+ people, like everyone else, value a good story and interesting characters, so even if there are aspects of the story that we dislike, we may still stick around if we think it’s worth it! Also, I think there’s a shortage of stories like “Mo Dao Zu Shi” where you have LGBTQ+ characters whose sexuality isn’t the focus of the story. Yes, Wangxian are soulmates and very much in love, but that isn’t the whole point. You have a delightful bundle of politics, magic, familial ties, concepts of right and wrong, mystery, etc etc that also features a beautiful love story between two men. I guess my point is, LGBTQ+ people are flawed just like everyone else and sometimes we consume content even if we don’t agree with every part of it.

I’ve avoided getting involved in any discourse surrounding the various versions of MDZS because I wanted to keep this blog drama free, however I would like to take this chance to offer my own thoughts on the “problematic” aspects of the novel. Before I get into it, I just want to make three things clear: 1) I’m white, 2) I’m not mlm, I’m a lesbian, and 3) I’ve only read the second half of the novel and honestly I can’t remember too much of the specifics. The relevance of my opinion on the matter, therefore, is limited and my words should be read with this fact in mind. I would love to hear everyone’s thoughts and feelings on this matter, so do feel free to either leave a comment or reblog and add your two-cents. All I ask is that we keep it respectful so this can continue to be an enjoyable space for all fans.

I’ve been going through the untamed’s tumblr tag daily since the start of this blog in August 2019, so I’ve seen the whole spectrum of opinions on this matter. Some people feel very strongly that some of the ways in which MXTX writes particular aspects of the novel are “problematic,” some people are indifferent, and others feel that criticism of MXTX’s writing comes from a lack of knowledge of Chinese culture (particularly LGBTQ+ Chinese culture). (I remember seeing a post touching upon this last matter, but I didn’t save it, so unfortunately I can’t link it.)

I think the two most common criticisms of the novel that I have come across pertain to matters of consent and the imposing of heteronormative concepts onto Wangxian. Again, I want to stress that I haven’t read the novel in its entirety and my memory of it is foggy. Talking about consent first, some felt the scene in the novel where LWJ kisses an unexpecting blindfolded WWX was a big no no, while others thought it was a very sweet, romantic scene. (To give context for those who have only seen the drama, this scene would have been placed in episode 25 had they included it). For this matter, I’m of the belief that consent is a must. Regardless of whether WWX enjoyed the kiss, the fact stands that no one is entitled to another’s body, and this is why consent is, in my eyes, non-negotiable. For those who have no problem with this scene, I do think it is worth considering how you would feel about this scene had it involved, say, Jin Zixuan kissing a blindfolded Jiang Yanli. If that had been the case, I do think the majority of readers would have found the scene in poor taste (I could be wrong, though!). I will say that the trope of the forceful kiss is extremely common and can be found in every genre; it’s definitely not restricted to LGBTQ+ couples. For the aforementioned reason, I don’t like the forceful kiss scenario irregardless of the genders of the people involved. I do think writing such scenes for LGBTQ+ couples in particular can perpetuate harmful stereotypes, particularly that LGBTQ+ people have no respect for personal boundaries and can’t control their physical desires. I think the situation is doubly bad if the person who is being kissed is “not yet gay,” because again, it perpetuates the idea of the big bad gay person and the innocent “straight” person who is at the whims of said big bad gay.

Moving on to WWX and LWJ’s sex life, I have seen multiple people in the tag mentioning WWX having a “rape kink” and their discomfort with this fact. Logically, I understand that we are all allowed, as human beings with different tastes and preferences, to enjoy the things that bring us pleasure (excluding certain obvious things). That being said, I do not personally enjoy rape fantasies in my media and try to stay far away from it. As I mentioned, we are all welcome to our own tastes and preferences, but I do think it is important that we realize that we are all also the product of our environments. Things, including kinks, do not exist in vacuums, and therefore they must arise as a result of some mixture of external and internal forces. Does MXTX giving WWX a rape kink automatically make her demon spawn? Not really. Does MXTX giving WWX a rape kink add anything to his character or the story? Also not really. All this being said, I do think LGBTQ+ media is oversaturated with consent issues and I’d personally like to see this come to an end, because once again, it perpetuates harmful stereotypes that do have a real impact on LGBTQ+ individuals.

As for the imposing of heteronormative concepts onto Wangxian, I think the biggest complaint I’ve seen is about WWX being referred to as the “mom” or the “wife” within the Wangxian couple. I would like to state here that this may be a situation in which cultural differences come into play. Additionally, because the novel is not originally written in English, it may be a case of telephone in which the true meaning becomes distorted as it is translated from one language to another and then to another and so on and so forth. Therefore, I am going to proceed with my thoughts on the matter in a more generalized way. For me, this is a big pet peeve of mine, to the point where I will not reblog content that refers to any of the male characters as “mom” or “wife.” My reasoning is simple: WWX is a man, so he would be someone’s “dad” or “husband,” not their “mom” or “wife.” I know from first-hand experience that non-LGBTQ+ people will often try to place a gay couple within a heterosexual context to make it easier for them to process how two women or two men could be together. I understand the reasoning behind this way of thinking, but that does not mean this way of thinking should be encouraged. It’s bad enough that non-LGBTQ+ couples are ensnared in an endless maze of gendered ways of being and thinking - let’s not force that on LGBTQ+ couples as well. My other issue is that the words “mom” and “wife” not only have gendered connotations, but they have implicit sexual connotations as well. In this context, “mom” and “wife” are just another way of saying “bottom.” Just think about it; nobody’s out there calling LWJ “mom” or “wife.” The whole idea of “top” and “bottom” in gay media is so……..it’s almost like an obsession? And for those of you who may be thinking it’s not that deep and has no bearing on real life….I really wish that were true. Go look at the comments section of any gay couple’s youtube video and you will invariably find someone asking who is the top and who is the bottom. That’s invasive as fuck, y’all, and you don’t see that shit on straight couple’s videos (again, because the assumption is that women are always in the submissive, therefore there’s no need to ask because it’s assumed the answer will always be that the woman “bottoms” and the man “tops”). All this being said, I can only speak about this matter from my viewpoint as a lesbian. If one day I were to get married, I wouldn’t want people referring to my wife as my “husband,” because the whole point is that we’re both the wife! I know there isn’t one rule/mindset that applies to all gay people, so I would love to hear others’ feelings on this matter.

Finally, I would also like to briefly touch upon Mo Xuanyu, who we don’t really get to see in the drama. I don’t know whether LWJ or WWX ever explicitly state their sexualities or which gender(s) they’re attracted to, but I’m pretty sure Mo Xuanyu is explicitly stated to be strictly into men (please correct me if I’m wrong!). I do wonder what MXTX’s intentions were (if there were any) when she decided to make Mo Xuanyu gay, because what I’ve grasped of his characterization is that he is written similarly to other gay male characters that give the impression they were created by checking off a list of every popular stereotype about gay men. I guess I’m just curious, as someone who knows very little about Mo Xuanyu, how others felt about his character in terms of complexity and stereotypes.

If you took the time to read all this, thank you! Let me know your thoughts~

#the untamed #mo dao zu shi #cql #mo xiang tong xiu #mxtx #long post #sorry this took me a while to respond to anon #i was away from home and also i knew it would end up being long so i wanted to have the time to properly answer you #ask #anon #Anonymous

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writingonjorvik · 5 years ago

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The New Gang Pitch

Following my narrative arc pitch, I wanted to outline a pitch for the new central character unit around the MC to go with it, since characters can make or break a story.

The Self-Taught Vessel, Allacia Clair

One of the first characters part of this group I would imagine has a bit of a rivalry with the MC about their powers. While she’s also a Vessel (my name for the Aideen’s champion role from my narrative pitch), she didn’t have anyone like the Keepers to teach her about her powers. She has a strong grasp on the “Avatar State” power/connecting to Aideen, her other powers she can’t really control and doesn’t have a good foundation for using her other core abilities. Her arc with the MC includes them learning to work together, possibly coming to a head at some point when it seems to this character that the MC is having no trouble with learning about the “Aideen State” powers.

She should be reckless, her powers manifesting in bursts, kinda like an unbridled Lightning Circle Alex, to show she never learned basic control over her powers. She’s stubborn and resilient, with a bitter sense of respect for the MC. She should be funny in a dry humor sort of way, but heart of gold trope, all the way. Points for her being in her mid to late 20′s, so a little older than the “about to start college” MC to add to that “how can you do this thing I struggled with” arc. Extra, extra points if she’s a POC, because, you know, cannon POC badasses are great.

The Valley Girl Hacker, Brittany Bellwinter

We need a diva in the party, and there’s nothing I love more than the idea of a full blown, bubble gum popping, gag me with a spoon, Silicon Valley girl for that. None of the “I don’t get people” hacker trope. This girl gets people, but is also Elle Woods smart with computers. “You took down entire network of G.E.D. encrypted asset logs.” “What, like it’s hard?” She takes no shit for being the pretty blonde girl, and she works her ass off to pull off her chic cyberpunk style while she takes down an entire DC facility’s security system from the Stablebucks down the street.

She’s open, honest, and direct. Her self-confidence is through the roof, to the point of initial conflict. Her being a vigilante when she meets the MC is a great arc to have them working together, and also establishing people outside the Keepers having an issue with Dark Core. She’s hungry for knowledge though, and her handiness with gadgets can provide SSO with a lot of tools for having ruins being destroyed in story beats without losing the information. But also a problem as she risks her life to get those pictures.

The Heart, Kadin Fairwind

This is the one character I think whose gender is most important to be kept the same. Kadin needs to be masc-presenting, either as an enby person who uses he/him pronouns, or just simply as a male presenting person. This is first and foremost because of the message Kadin can send. If SSO wants to be a story about gender equality, then it needs to also talk about how men relate to “feminine” topics, in particular, being the heart of the group. The Heart of the 5 man band is exclusively reserved for a female in the party, which is why it’s important to have a character like Kadin, who is masc-presenting, be the heart, to subvert that and show other masc-presenting players that you can be masculine and also be an empathetic person that tries to keep your friends together.

Kadin is a big sweetie, possibly physically, who just has a soft-spot for people. But when I say he’s big, I don’t mean Kadin is this doofy gentle giant or some himbo. No, he’s physically built, like a quarterback built, but he’s also very intelligent. Kadin needs to be outwardly very masculine, with an awareness of his strength and how it impacts people around him. He’s smart and observant and is really good on picking up on people’s emotions. He wants to help people, with a passion for being either a counselor or a nurse (specifically a nurse, not a doctor). Possibly with friends who were assholes when they were in school who bullied people, until Kadin decided he didn’t want to do that and wanted to be better aware of how he hurt people and how to make things better.

As much as I’m an advocate for queer & POC rep, I think the best way to do Kadin is just have him as this straight, white guy. I think him just being a hetero-cis dude and becoming aware of his privilege can be such an impactful message, even if the why isn’t ever explicitly said.

The Magic Enthusiast, Nakai “Xen” Seiko

If Kadin is cis, then Xen is one hundred percent they/them non-binary. But also, if Brittany is the tech wiz, then Xen simply wants to be an actual wizard. And not just wishes magic was real kinda wants to be a wizard, legit knows magic is real and can’t figure it out/can’t use it wants to be a wizard. Xen consumes all things magic, which makes them an amazing outside asset to the MC and Allacia, who both can use magic, but don’t always understand magic. Xen gets magic fundamentally as a study, but not always as a practice, which is why they struggle to actually use it. And while I do think they should learn how to use magic, they should by the kind of character who wants to multi-class wizard over and over so they can get every school of magic, not so they can actually get better. It’s Xen’s craving for understanding magic that will be a great tool in learning more about other planes of reality and how they relate to magic.

Xen’s personality is fundamentally at odds. While they come from a very traditional Japanese immigrant family and have a high respect for their culture, they obviously struggle with who they are and how that fits into what they want to do with their life. This is import in particular to me because so many cultures gender magic, with feminine and masculine sources of magic. Xen as a non-binary magic user, like myself, has to struggle with figuring out where those legends come from and breaking down how to feel about that in their own practice, particularly when Aideen is shown has being a very feminine entity. Much like the points before, I don’t think this has to be explicit, but I do think it can be very clearly coded to say that gendering things is often forced. While there are gendered things in nature, like things surrounding baby-making, most things aren’t and just because something is gendered, like Aideen, it doesn’t designate that all things need to be. I think the best way to balance this message is to have Xen has a very comedic person, always telling jokes, even when the timing isn’t always right. They should have an issue with hyperfixating, and I think having them being someone with ADD/ADHD is a great match for their other struggles, getting consumed in their pursuit of magic to the point of it being a hazard too.

The Gentle Giant, Bogga Norsdóttir

If anyone is going to be the brute of this party, it’s going to be Bogga. Bogga is a “I’m going to deadlift a Shire” kinda girl, but she won’t, cause it’s a horse, and why would she scare a horse like that? She’s honestly the simplest concept I have. She’s a gentle giant, though I don’t think she should be “stupid.” I think she should have a simple code of ethics, a very black and white version of right and wrong. It’s simple, you hurt her friends, she fucks you up. I would love too if she’s part Kalter. But yeah, Bogga is kinda the constant rock of the party, and that’s not just cause she’s a solid unit. She’s just reliable, and for that she’s kinda a sounding board for everyone else’s more complicated arcs. The point is that Bogga will always be there to support the party, and she doesn’t really need to grow. She’s got her life figured out, and so she’s just there to help everyone else figure out theirs.

The Returning Soul Rider

If there’s any of these members I’m ok with dropping, it’s this one. Not just cause I can’t decide which one, but also the whole point of the above group is establishing a friend group that the MC chooses through the story and actively recruits, not an existing friend group like the Soul Riders are. Even with the new intro to the Soul Riders they added, there’s never going to be a point where the MC isn’t a fifth wheel to their group, at least for me and I know for a lot of you, particularly as SSL gets more and more removed. The only reason they could even effectively establish their friend group before was because only two of them were friends when Lisa got to Jorvik, and it was Lisa that brought the four of them together. And honestly, I think staying on their story makes if feel more and more to me like we’re cleaning up their mess and undermines the Soul Riders defeating Garnok in SSL. Which ruins their abilities, and it’s just yet another reason we need to move away from them narratively.

Still, that doesn’t mean I think the Soul Riders need to be cut out entirely, but I think we need to relook at the angle that the MC is relating to the Soul Riders. And that means the Soul Riders relooking at themselves, particularly post Garnok, which is also why I think this arc needs to end.

In any case, I’m tied between Alex and Anne. On the one hand, Alex is a fighter and suddenly having no big bad to fight is a hell of a good arc to pitch. I also think her in contrast to Bogga is a great square off. Alex not being ready to be done fighting is a good arc, because she’s always been a fighter. What is she without something to go after now? I think her being afraid of falling back into her old ways now that she doesn’t have a target to hunt down is such an interesting arc to follow.

Anne is another interesting one, because I think with everyone expecting Anne to be consumed with vengeance before Garnok is defeated and her to come out of that, people would expect that after he’s gone, she would be ready to be done and just go back to being a normal girl. But I think that even if Anne gets over her vengeance, she’s the Soul Rider of the Sun Circle. Her powers are to open portals, she’s destined to travel. Anne isn’t going to want to go back. Whether it’s being a dressage master or traveling between planes of reality, Anne is the portal master of the druids. Worse, she was an imprisoned portal master. She’s shouldn’t want to be still ever again.

I’m honestly up in the air on them, and I’m not opposed to both, but I think it should just be one in the main group and another with a side arc we touch in on when we touch base with the other Soul Riders.

And yeah, that’s the pitch.

#sso #star stable #starstable #star stable online #starstableonline #woj writing #woj analysis

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a-crimson-lion · 5 years ago

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Strengths... and Weaknesses

I think an appropriate phrase for this post would be:

"Lord forgive me... I'm back on my bullsh*t."

Anyone who's been viewing my tumblr recently knows of my excessive hatred for one Katsuki Bakugo. I have stated time and time again that he's a gigantic asshole who only managed to tone it down a notch or two as of late. He might be the slightest bit more tolerable then he was at the start (I'm not the type to say that Katsuki had no development; I'm the type to say his development is there, but it's slow and poorly executed), but he's still overall an asshole.

In fact, before I start this post, I want to make a few things clear on where I still currently stand with Katsuki, as a person who has only seen up to Season 3 of the anime and read up to the Shie Hassaikai Arc in the manga.

First off, let's address one of the more triggering parts of the series: Katsuki's suicide instigation. Horikoshi has apparently stated that he "went too far" with Katsuki in the first chapter of the manga, and for me and maybe a few others, that sounds like if Horikoshi was given the option, he might have written out that scene entirely. Well, okay then, I understand that much; I mean, Katsuki was never that level of harsh once the story started to really kick off. So what does that change?

ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

From where I stand, even if you ignore or flat out rewrite Katsuki telling Izuku to kill himself out of the story, that still doesn't change the fact that Katsuki is still a terrible person with very little development. He still bullied Izuku since they were kids. He still burned his notebook and threatened Izuku while burning his school uniform to not go to U.A. He attempted to harm Izuku on their first day at U.A., and during the Battle Trial, used a highly dangerous piece of support gear which could have very much killed Izuku (instead of, you know, using the capture tape?). He's still anti-social as all hell, which isn't a crime in and of itself until you realize that being a hero requires at least some form of cooperation. Even Eraserhead, an underground hero (which is probably as potentially anti-social as you can get) still at the very least has to work with other Pros and the authorities with some level of respectful communication. Katsuki's on his way to becoming the second Endeavor (which, depending on how the latter's redemption pans out, might be even worse than before).

That last bit is probably more the fault of my second grievence: the narrative coddles him too much. Yes, being consistently kidnapped by villains is very much not okay and is probably very traumatising, but that doesn't mean he's realizing he's becoming a better person. After the sludge incident, he didn't bother Izuku because he was too occupied with his own inferiority complex; he was angry at himself for not being "strong enough," and spent his time up to the entrance exam stewing in his insecurities. While at U.A., he gets no form of proper addressment for his actions. Eraserhead is willing to restrain Katsuki, but he won't expel him, or at the very least talk to him. Katsuki goes volatile during the Battle Trial, but no one discusses and addresses how much excessive force he uses. During the final exam, Katsuki isn't docked for his initial inability to cooperate and the fact that it took a literal punch to the face to begin doing such, and even then, Izuku caried his already beaten body past the gate, which means he technically passed. He should have been failed for his actions, maybe the villains wouldn't have been able to kidnap him during the Training Camp arc. Speaking of which, why doesn't he go back to camp and save his classmates the trouble? He just wants to fight, and this simple-minded desire ends up getting him kidnapped. And what does he learn from that kidnapping? Again, "he's weak." No introspection on his behavior except for a minor one before Deku vs Kacchan 2. No discussing his actions because he can't bring himself to be the bigger man and just talk to All Might. No, he has to bring out Izuku in the middle of the night and pummel him, and we're supposed to feel sorry for the kid because he's going through an existential crisis. Which I would feel bad, had it not been for the fact that it could have been avoided, AND his behavior aside, he's going through all the wrong coping methods. I don't care if he only knows how to express himself with violence, that fact alone warrants heaps upon heaps of propery therapy, NOT FURTHER VIOLENCE.

Before I officially take a complete dive into "anti" territory, let's look at one last thing.

Remember after Kamino Ward when Katsuki had Denki electrocute himself and he gave Eijiro some money as compensation for spending it on some fancy binoculars. Well, some of the antis I've seen have claimed the money was stolen from Denki. Personally, I don't see it. I can see Katsuki causing Denki to electrocute himself to show his begrudging care for his fellow classmates (even if it's still trying to grow). I can see Katsuki giving Eijiro money for his troubles, even if it's a blow to Katsuki's pride. I just can't see Katsuki stealing money from other people. Sure, he's an asshole, but he's not a thief. His morals are warped, not corrupted beyond the point of redemption.

Okay, so what dud I really want to talk about? Oh, right: Katsuki's obsession with strength.

We see this about three times in the manga. The first time is when Katsuki is saved by All Might at the USJ. He quickly dismisses Izuku's praise of him dodging because he didn't dodge: All Might pushed him out of danger. He won't take credit for a feat he didn't do. This segues into the second instance: his fight with Shoto. He wants Shoto to go all out in order to prove once and for all that he's the strongest in their class. Only Shoto is going through personal issues that Katsuki knows about because he eavesdropped. Even when Shoto manages to releaae his flames, he quickly snuffs them out because change is gradual; he still has to get used to the new implications of using his fire. (Sidenote: not an excuse for Katsuki's dickish behavior. Tenya and Shoto were initially percieved as assholes, and they managed to bridge that disconnect eons before Katsuki has.) Of course Katsuki's pissed at this, but I feel like he completely ignores Shoto's personal baggage and instead focuses soley on his physical strength. We'll get back to that later, but for now, let's move on to the third incident I can recall from the top of my head: Katsuki vs Setsuna. Remember that part of the Joint Training Arc where Katsuki saves Kyoka, because he FINALLY understands that saving people is important? Well, yes, but partially no. Katsuki didn't save Kyoka because of whatever goodness there was in his heart; he saved her because he thought getting a 4-0 victory was something worthy of the strongest heroes, and he even explicitly stated this. He's still focused on strength, and completely ignoring the more social aspects if heroism aside from prestige.

Remember after Deku vs Kacchan 2, where All Might says he focused too much on Katsuki's physical strength and not his emotional strength. Yeah, he's not the only one...

Katsuki himself never pays attention to the emotional side of himself. Years upon years of praise and his own decisions have led him to believe that his strong quirk and overall strengths are all he needs to become a hero. His brutal and excessive technique makes him a powerhouse to be reckoned with, but it also makes him predictably stubborn. Running away isn't an option, he has to duke it out with no remorse. The Number One Hero is about to curb stomp you? Don't run away and pass the test, try beating his ass and end up losing your lunch! Potentially dangerous villains trying to kidnap you? No worries, just keep fighting because you're a badass and no one tells you what to do- and oh, you got kidnapped. Even when confronting Izuku on his quirk, the possibility of Izuku getting his quirk for something other than physical prowess is a foreign concept for Katsuki. He ignores any and all chances of it being possibility, going so far as telling Izuku to shut up when he tries to explain himself, and even outright attacking Izuku after he tries deescalating the fight multiple times, only conceeding to Katsuki because he believes he's responsible for Katsuki to some extent (because Shonen Protagonist).

His obsession with strength is in character, but dear God it's getting old... and it's selfish.

Virtually everyone else trying to be a hero has a reason for getting stronger that isn't inherently to flaunt their superiority. Ochako? She wants to make money so her folks can rest easy. Tenya? He wants to live up to his family's legacy. Shoto? He wants to be able to protect his mom. Eijiro? He wants to be like his chivalrous idol, Crimson Riot. Izuku? He wants to get a better grasp on his quirk so he can save more people. Katsuki? He wants to prove that he's better than All Might from a physical standpoint, using the title of "Number One Hero" to elevate his status and earn the attention of everyone around him.

...see the disconnect?

I don't have a well thought out conclusion to this mess, so I'm just gonna close with this tidbit: Katsuki and Izuku sometimes do the same things for different reasons. Getting mad at Shoto? Izuku wants Shoto to go all out because everyone else is going all out, and he wants Shoto to move past his father's control; Katsuki wants Shoto to go all out because he wants to prove he's undoubtedly stronger. Idolizing All Might? Izuku admires All Might's ability to inspire and save people; Katsuki just pays attention to the physical strength and prestige, electing to ignore everything else. Saving people? Izuku saves people selflessly, with no inherent regard towards himself (he will gladly break a few bones or risk doing so just to save kids, for crying out loud); Katsuki only saves people because it strokes his own ego (the only time he ever truly went beyond was in an unnecessary fight against All Might; Two Heroes is the only exception). I'm pretty sure the list goes on.

I just hope that Katsuki learns somehow, some way, that physical strength isn't everything. Victory isn't everything. 'Cause if he doesn't, he's in for a world of hurt...

...and it's not gonna be something he can just explode and be done with.

-Crimson Lion (6 September 2019)

#bnha #boku no hero academia #mha #my hero academia #katsuki bakugo #katsuki bakugou #anti bakugo #anti bakugou #izuku midoriya #toshinori yagi #all might #meta #character analysis #analysis

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alwaysspeakshermind · 5 years ago

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Top 5 Anti-Varchie Arguments & Why They Make No Sense

#2: “Varchie’s too rushed/forced/there’s no development.”

[Note: this is one of the arguments that really grates my cheese, because the refuting evidence is so! Very! Obvious! that I don’t even know how anyone can bring themselves to actually use it. So be warned...this post is long. Also, it definitely jumps around a bit, because I was in a serious ‘Really, dude? Really?’ mood when I wrote it, and upon calmer reflection, I decided to remove a few overly sarcastic things I put down in the heat of the moment and add a couple of clarifications so it doesn’t sound like I’m trying to insult anything I’ve no intention of insulting.]

Varchie’s too rushed? Varchie’s too forced? Varchie has no development?

Yeah, no.

I’m trying to not lose all pretense of tact here, but this falls in the “anyone saying this must be too young to grasp the concept of abstract reasoning because people cannot possibly be this dumb” type of arguments.

Because again...no.

NOOOOOOOOOO.

Since the beginning of the series, Archie and Veronica have been Riverdale’s best-developed couple. (Yes, even better than Bughead, who, no shade whatsoever because this is by no means a post meant to disparage one of the other three pairings I’m 100% on board with in this show, didn’t even interact in the pilot), and anyone with more than an ounce of common sense can recognize that. Even if they hate it with every fiber of their being and wish it weren’t true—it’s true.

Development (particularly that of the onscreen relationship variety) does not fall in the category of artistic elements that lend themselves to subjective interpretation. It is a technical, structural element, meaning it is either there, or it’s not, and deliberately ignoring or refusing to acknowledge its existence does not render it null and void. Though they are the first of the canon couples to kiss onscreen, Varchie is also the only ship on the show that takes longer than two or three somewhat-romantic interactions to begin a relationship.

No, seriously.

Give it a second and really think about it…

In six episodes, how many the-average-person-would-recognize-this-as-romantic times do Betty and Jughead interact before they kiss and begin a romantic relationship? [Note: and by “the average person,” I mean “would even your clueless dad who would probably rather be watching something else instantly recognize this as a Definite Romantic Moment™?”]

How many times in twelve episodes do Cheryl and Toni interact at all before romance is inarguably hinted at [in 2x14; 2x14 is where their half-second interactions become more than fanon and the average viewer learns what most of the rest of us already knew anyway]?

How many times do Alice and FP interact at all in ten episodes (the point when people suddenly decided they had an entire romantic history and “needed to be put together”), and how many times do they interact after that before they begin whatever kind of relationship it is they have?

How many times do Kevin and Joaquin interact at all, period in one episode before beginning a romantic relationship?

How many times do Kevin and Moose interact in thirteen episodes before beginning a romantic relationship?

How many times in one and a half seasons do Kevin and Fangs interact at all, period before beginning a romantic relationship?

How many times do Archie and Val interact at all, period in six episodes before beginning a romantic relationship?

How many times in two and a half seasons do Archie and Josie interact at all, period before beginning a romantic relationship?

How many times in two and a half seasons do Veronica and Reggie interact at all, period before beginning a romantic relationship and how many of those scenes also include Archie?

(I’d also mention Josie and Reggie, but apparently I’m the only one who remembers that pairing. And also Josie and that summer fling “relationship,” but I’m kind of still trying to block that one from my mind because it really horrifies me that my girl kissed a dude who looks like he pours axle grease on his hair every morning, walks around wearing plaid shirts with cutoff sleeves like Larry the Cable Guy, but still has the nerve to whine publicly about her not wanting it to be anything more, so I won’t.)

But, etc., etc. You get the picture.

This is not, of course, to hurl accusations of “worthless!” at any of the above-mentioned ships or those who ship them; it’s just an example used to illustrate the following point:

If any or all of those pairings seem[ed] cute/promising/full of potential and/or not rushed or forced to you when none of them were so much as hinted at in the pilot (and the show goes for long periods of time without those characters even sharing screentime, let alone actual interactions or even glances), Varchie shouldn’t either.

Especially in light of the fact that Varchie has a stronger romantic buildup in one episode than most teen couples get in three.

For instance:

Varchie Development In 1x01

Diner scene: Archie and Veronica meet at Pop’s and the romantic interest on both sides is made obvious from the beginning.

School Hall scene: Walking with Betty and Kevin, Veronica spots Archie, asks about him, and makes her interest in him explicitly known (“In that case, mind putting in a word?”) once Betty says “we’re just friends.”

Lunch scene: Veronica immediately addresses Archie regarding the song he’s playing, and Archie surreptitiously checks Veronica out (it’s quick, but he does. If you don’t believe me, go back and watch Archie during that scene while keeping in mind where Veronica’s at.)

Invitation-to-the-dance scene: Veronica calls Archie over from practice in order to give Betty a prime opportunity to finally ask him out, and Archie pays more attention to Veronica during the conversation—jogging over right away, smiling at her, even agreeing to go to a dance he’s indifferent to because Veronica jokingly insists and agrees to come with him and Betty. Also, “Archiekins,” Veronica’s pet-name-of-choice (besides “Lover”) for Archie in the comics, makes it first appearance.

Dance scene: Veronica jokes about how Archie needs to drop the fine arts/sports question for a night so they can all have fun, Archie refers to her as Ronnie for the first time and tells her he’s trying. Veronica teasingly tells him to work faster, and Archie watches her leave with a look similar to the one he wore in the diner when they first met.

Seven Minutes In Heaven scene: As soon as Archie’s name is suggested, Veronica looks his way, and she visibly leans forward to watch the bottle make its selection. Although it does not “clearly [point] to the new girl” as Cheryl claims (the bottle actually lands in-between Betty and Veronica, meaning no one can say for sure who Archie’s going to kiss), Archie’s eyes immediately cut over to Veronica, and Veronica immediately looks at Archie.

Closet scene: There isn’t much doubt what’s going to happen as soon as the door shuts behind Archie and Veronica, because the sexual tension is palpable, and the entirety of their conversation is like a very awkward dance around the fact they are interested in each other. By the time they kiss it feels inevitable, and even the kiss itself is postponed until the end of the scene so that it acts as the exclamation point to the story arc.

Once they exit and find Betty gone, the next eight to nine episodes consistently juxtapose Archie and Veronica’s new Friendship™ status with mildly flirtatious and subtly romantic moments that hearken back to the 1x01 makeout; by the time they become an official couple toward the end of Season 1, their relationship development is already slower and stronger than that of most of those previously-listed canon ships after three seasons. So, quite frankly, if you can’t recognize/acknowledge exactly how well-developed and non-rushed a relationship Varchie is, the problem is not the show/writers/the Varchie shippers.

The problem is YOU.

**IMPORTANT NOTE REGARDING SLOW-BURN DEVELOPMENT**

When it comes to fictional relationships, development is not the same thing as a preexisting history between characters. In all forms of fiction, everything important—whether it directly impacts/advances the plot or not—must take place on the screen, stage, or page. (The motto is show, not tell.) Character interactions are not excluded from this rule, particularly when it comes to film or television, where narration is an optional touch to be used sparingly, rather than the default mode of conveying information to the audience. While you can absolutely try to argue that “Barchie has the best development, not Varchie” on the grounds that the former has a long history of friendship, the reality is that at this point in the show, Barchie does not have enough onscreen interactions period, let alone romance-tinged interactions over the course of three seasons, to qualify them for a slow-burn status, let alone a good slow-burn status.

Now.

I’m not sure exactly why, but the concept of slow-burn has lately become so popular and so synonymous in fandom with “best development” and “superior quality” that the term gets thrown around until its original meaning is all but lost and everyone seems to think that if a certain potential pairing doesn’t happen right out of the gate, it automatically = EPIC! SLOW-BURN! ENDGAME!** while any pairing that does happen first automatically = boring. forced. predictable.

Which is…just…not…true.

[**Yet another side note: I LOATHE the word endgame. Always have, always will, and one day I will write the essay on the ever-swirling debate regarding Riverdale’s use of that word and why Veronica had to say it in-narrative for the pure and simple reason that people wouldn’t shut up about Kevin saying it that one time back in the pilot, and in math we call that an inverse operation, BUT TODAY IS NOT THAT DAY.]

Fictional relationships are about character dynamics just as much (if not more) than they’re about story, so it really doesn’t matter if the relationship that winds up being the E-word relationship is expected/planned or unexpected/unplanned. Slow burns can be great, but they are not the only type or relationship with value. Furthermore, not every ship that doesn’t show immediate progress on the romantic front is a slow burn, and not every attempt to create a slow burn works.

In TV, there are epic slow-burns, there are mediocre attempts to create epic slow-burns, there are bad attempts to create epic slow-burns, and then there are blatantly terrible pairings that attempt to cloak their pulled-out-of-a-hat-for-drama-ness beneath the heading of “slow-burn.” (Come to think of it, maybe that’s why people are so confused about what actually constitutes a slow-burn???)

Using another Friends example, think the J/R pairing…did they have the potential to be a good slow-burn relationship? Yeah, sure. All the actors on that show had chemistry and everyone interacted enough to make everything narratively plausible. Were they a good slow-burn relationship? No, because they came from left field, happened so late in the game and, worst of all, had to follow a strong relationship with better romantic chemistry and multiple seasons of solid storylines behind it. There are some people who prefer them together, yes, but even everyone who does like them (at least everyone I’ve ever come across) fully admits that they would also have preferred that pairing occurred much earlier in the show, when not so much water had gone under the bridge.

[Or, if Friends isn’t your sitcom, think instead of the giant misstep in How I Met Your Mother’s finale, where 7-8 seasons of plot and character development were bent, clipped, and otherwise torpedoed to splice existing material onto the plan for an ending that was concocted back when the show’s creators expected to only get maybe 3 seasons. Could that ending have worked after 2-3 seasons? Yes! It could’ve even been great. But after all those seasons, and all that story/character/relationship development in directions that wound up being more compelling than the original plan, it just didn’t work. It wound up feeling like someone luring you on a fun-but-long car ride with the promise of dessert at the end, and then being like “Ta da! Here’s a fruit parfait! Eat up!” Because while plenty of people enjoy fruit parfaits and wouldn’t mind eating them for breakfast or a snack, no one really appreciates being served berries, yogurt, and granola when they were led to expect ice cream/cake/cookies/pie. When you expend a lot of time and effort building something up, you absolutely have to deliver. You can’t pull a switcheroo at the last minute and call it good, because all that does is beg the question if this was your plan all along, why did you waste so much time developing everything but this?]

When it comes to creating slow burn, there are no shortcuts. It’s a delicate and tricky road, because in addition to needing to make sense from an in-narrative and character aspect, it also requires careful, unflagging cultivation over an extended period of time. It can’t show up and disappear at random for the sake of plot convenience; it needs normal and consistent onscreen interaction (i.e., frequent everyday conversations with and without other characters present), readily-observable-by-audience romance-tinged interaction every 2-4 episodes (flirting, furtive or longing glances, touches that linger, special smiles, noticeably consistent too much attention paid to the other person’s dating or personal life, etc.), as well as an unwavering attraction/willingness to go there from both parties.

In other words, slow-burn is exactly what the name implies: a long, slow, process where each step depends on the one before it, and you can’t rush it, skip steps, or let it fade into the background for a couple seasons while you work on something else. It must be shown, not told, the connection must be inarguable from the beginning, and there must be so much sizzling sexual chemistry between characters that even interactions in platonic settings resemble mutual flirting rather than friendly banter. After one season, Barchie doesn’t have any of that. After two seasons, Barchie doesn’t have any of that. After three seasons, Barchie still doesn’t have that.

But you know who does have all of that?

Varchie.

In every. Single. Season.

(You know who else does? Bughead, but that’s a different essay.)

S1 takes about thirteen episodes to bring everything that begins the second A&V see each other to fruition, and is peppered throughout with flirty interactions, wistful glances, etc., and every few episodes, they share a moment that unmistakably hints at romance/their continued interest in one another.

In S2, even their breakup is handled along the lines of a slow-burn formula…they sit on opposite sides of the room and exchange glances at the beginning of the episode. Their “we’re still friends” moment is awkward and laced with obvious sexual tension where a direct reminder of the relationship they’re trying to forget is introduced (the watch), and Veronica’s instinctive grab for Archie’s hand makes everything worse. Their I Love You Too reunion beneath the fake mistletoe is built up to like a first kiss scene.

In S3, in order to make other pairings seem remotely plausible, the narrative goes out of its way to separate Archie and Veronica and keep them from interacting, but still throws the two of them together every few episodes or so for a moment that underscores their connection and shows how even their best attempts at friendship are sabotaged by the very non-platonic feelings they have for each other.

They are not rushed. They are not underdeveloped. They are most certainly not “forced.”

Oh, and speaking of forced...

Some quick definitions of “forced,” because we seem to be very confused about this word in relation to fiction as well:

(1) Obtained or imposed by coercion or physical power.

(2) (of a plant) having its development or maturity artificially hastened.

(3) (of a gesture or expression) produced or maintained with effort; affected or unnatural.

Beyond the fact that definitions 2&3 clearly refer to plants and facial expressions and thus maybe shouldn’t be used as an argument against a fictional relationship in the first place, none of these apply to Varchie. Their relationship involved no coercion/exercise of physical power whether you look at it from a meta or in-narrative perspective. Neither development nor maturity was hastened; if anything, it was deliberately stalled to create conflict between three of the main characters and then grown on an episode-by-episode basis. It is effortlessly produced/maintained thanks to the actors’ dynamic (which is also the point where the affected/unnatural part collapses; KJ Apa and Camila Mendes work too well together to make their interactions seem anything but natural) and the ease with which the characters’ personalities mesh.

But, hey...you know what could be reasonably construed as “forced?” You know what does actually fit all three of those above definitions? The contortionist-level attempts it took to break Archie and Veronica up in order to pair them with characters they have had hardly any onscreen interactions with in three seasons. If you truly despise forced fictional relationships, then perhaps it would be better to focus more energy on decrying the plot gymnastics that were required in S3 to break up Varchie and bring Archie/Josie and Veronica/Reggie into existence. Because regardless of whether you like or dislike those last two pairings, they are, by positive rather than normative standards, extremely forced.

So, once again...Varchie: not rushed, not underdeveloped, not forced.

And once again (I’m getting so tired of typing this, but hey, it will never not be applicable, so oh well): You’re perfectly free to be mad that Archie and Veronica prevent your ship from happening, and/or get all the scenes you’d like your favorite pairing to get. But arguing that they have no development when they are objectively the best-developed and least-rushed pairing on Riverdale is just ridiculous.

#varchie #archie x veronica #riverdale opinion #my opinion #my post #rant #varchie has no development?#in what universe please?#forgot to post this the other day #but i'm a lot calmer now #so i guess that's good?

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thickskinandelasticheart · 5 years ago

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why did Druck have to make him not religious, everything was going great and I understand they need drama but they have Tua there, they should’ve talked to her if that makes sense and make changes accordingly. Just sad. But I hope it’s gonna get better because it has Tua‘s and Skamesp Sana actress (not sure about her name) blessing. :(

Oh hun, I wouldn’t put too much stock in having the actress’ blessings because of course they have to promote and say good things even if they don’t like it. Exhibit A: the number of times Iman said in post-season 4 interviews: yeah Yousef becomes Muslim again (here’s the link btw)

Now, why would she say that if she liked the non-muslim storyline?? Why would she want post canon to change such a major part of Yousef’s character? Cause like us, she too knows it sucks and that’s why she explicitly stated yeah AFTER he finds his faith again, then he and Sana get married.

as for why Druck made him non-religious, most probably they thought they HAD to take this conflict from OG as it was a major plot point in s4, though that’s such laziness to me cause they didn’t give David a MI and suited the story according to his character, they could’ve done the same with Mohammed and had another conflict.

but truth be told I honestly think westerners just can’t imagine writing Muslim girls/characters in general without some clash with their religion. like they truly can’t grasp the concept that maybe, perhaps we are actually confident and happy as we are and not secretly struggling with our faith or feeling like Islam is holding us back. there are not many hijabi characters in western media but from the few we have, you can’t point to ONE that doesn’t have some sort of issue with religion, that’s all we’re good for. can’t have a normal story like all the other girlies ~

#druck #mohammed razzouk #yousana #mazzouk #amira thalia mahmood #anon #skam #answered

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postmodernmulticoloredcloak · 6 years ago

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Dean and the snake’s bite

The episode Peace of Mind offers us a funny little gag - Dean is afraid of snakes! He is adorably uneasy around Jack’s snake! ...or does it?

I mean, yes. It is a lovely little gag. But it’s more than that. I have spoken here about the queer subtext and queer-based humor in the Cas side of the episode, but as @lymeandcoconut pointed out, there is queer subtext in the humor in the Dean side of the episode.

First of all, the episode doesn’t let us forget that the snake is, in fact, not Jack’s. It is the gorgon Noah’s snake, and that is reinforced by the narrative: Cas suggests he misses his previous owner, and eventually Jack lets it reunite with him in heaven. Obviously that doesn’t inherently mean the snake represents bisexuality or queerness; but the narrative also establishes a connection between the snake and Dean, all sprinkled with a dose of queer subtext.

Long story short: Dean is utterly fascinated by the damn snake.

On the surface, he’s afraid of it. Which is... not untrue. But there’s more to just fear (and Dean himself says it in text). He keeps trying to get close to the snake. He suggests the snake come along. He seems interested in the snake’s wellbeing... But let’s start from the beginning.

The first scene featuring the snake has Cas in Jack’s room, inquiring about the wellbeing of the snake. When Jack says it is unwell, Cas suggests it might miss his previous owner, and says that the snake has been through a lot of change in a short amount of time. Cas himself establishes a parallel between Jack and the snake - a valid interpretation. But not the only interpretation given in the episode - which leads us to the next scene in Jack’s room.

After Cas and Sam leave for the case, Dean enters the room and inquires Jack about the various bowls he’s set on the table, and Jack says he’s trying different foods for the snake. When Jack says he thinks the snake is sad, Dean jokingly (semi-jokingly?) suggests bacon (which indicates he makes a connection between curing sadness and bacon), and the unspoken reference is to Aaron Bass’s piece of wisdom... everybody loves bacon (including God, who is explicitly mentioned in the episode, beard included - might that be a reference to his “being closeted” as God and pretending to be Chuck?).

So Dean suggests that the snake’s sadness could be cured with bacon, and Jack takes the suggestion seriously, asking if snakes like bacon. Dean replies that he doesn’t know about snakes, but he likes bacon... and there we are our juxtaposition between the snake and Dean. Dean basically puts himself in the place of the snake, basically saying that if he were the snake he would like the bacon. It’s not super blatant, but it’s there. At the very least we have a reference to bacon that is subtly queer-coded.

Then Dean suggests Jack and the snake come with him on a field trip, and then he goes towards the fridge announcing he’s gonna make some bacon. Jack asks the snake if it wants some bacon, reinforcing the juxtaposition. (I call it a juxtaposition because, well, snakes are supposed to only eat raw meat, but ça va sans dire that parallels don’t have to be perfect, especially since at the core of this post we’re talking about... a different kind of meat. A different kind of snake, if you want.)

While they’re in the car, Dean suggests Jack eat something, and when Jack says he’s not hungry, Dean (whose goal is to see which cake Jack picks) prods Jack to look at the cakes by suggesting he feeds them to the snake.

Well, maybe feed the snake something. Yeah. Here. Give him one of these. I bet he’s never had that before.

If earlier, about the bacon, Dean substituted himself to the snake (snake likes bacon? --> I like bacon), now let’s try the same. Have you ever had Angel’s Food Cake before, Dean...? What about cake in general...?

Now a very interesting bit. Jack tells Dean he doesn’t have a good grasp on what snakes eat, and Dean says:

Yeah, no. Yeah, I always thought they were kind of cool, though.

There it is. Dean is fascinated by the snake. Beyond the surface, he admits he thinks snakes are cool, always thought that...

Well, most people think they’re dangerous. Mm. Well, it’s not the snake that’s dangerous. It’s their... bite. Is--is that a saying? It is now.

Okay--let’s just skip to the point and substitute (queer) men to snakes, alright?

“Most people think they’re dangerous” - what kind of people? People like the hyper-traditionalist Chip Harrington, who projected his concept that “morals, you got to have morals -- you know” into the lady’s mind?

“It’s not the men that are dangerous. It’s their... bite”

...I’m desperately trying to forget the French language here, okay

The line is obviously not supposed to be taken super literally, because even on a purely surface level Dean himself is aware that what he just said is silly. He is aware that snakes aren’t inherently dangerous, but he still has a fear he can’t get rid of rationally, because he can’t help but wondering whether something might go wrong... in fact, when does a pet snake bite you, when you accidentally scare it? He’s afraid that he might accidentally scare the snake and lose the snake’s trust, is he...?

Anyway, Dean is afraid of the possible danger in getting too close to a snake... while recognizing that snakes aren’t inherently dangerous. And, in fact, he’s always been fascinated by snakes, thinking they were cool... Do whatever you want to do with this information.

When Jack and Donatello get out, Jack asks how’s the snake, and Dean answers “he’s good, might be hungry” which I’m pretty sure is about Dean rather than the snake... (ah, the theme of hunger in this show. Can’t exactly summarize it here, uh.)

And when they’re back, Dean comments that the snake seems to have enjoyed the trip, and Jack says that the snake is “very guarded” - a definition that reminds you of someone?

And then the final scene. In the first scene of the episode, a young couple cannot be together and happy because of the promise one of them made to a dying mother, a promise she’d take care of a family member who is, though, the very reason she cannot be happy with her lover. Is this foreshadowing...? That Jack... kills the snake because Cas has promised his dying mother to take care of him, and Cas has chosen to give up on happiness because of that?

Is Jack going to be the ultimate, um... snakeblocker...?

#my spn thoughts #spn meta #spn spec #queer subtext #spn 14x15 #spn

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warlordgab · 6 years ago

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NaLu analysis: Context, Substance, and Chemistry

Many FT readers find, one way or another, multiple moments that showcase the strength of NaLu and highlight their chemistry.

However, not everyone is capable of perceiving how the story nourishes this relationship, not only by means of obvious moments but also by the context of several scenes.

This is one of the reasons why wankers are prone to ignore or completely disregard context to fabricate something to make implausible premises (cracks) seem as solid as a semi-canon pairing.

For example, some use the following scenario as a sign of a rising romantic relationship: the female lead slaps a character she and her partner are familiar with because he trash-talked the values the guild stood for, something that hurt her a lot.

Granted it was all an act and the guy apologized at the end, but the slap and apology are still overhyped by wankers as something as big as what NaLu may offer.

However, when this scene is put in the context of what Lucy’s character was going through, the story points in a different direction.

The scene was painful to Lucy because she was struggling against the fear of the FT guild, which she considers her family, not coming back, and having a member of that family bad-mouthing the guild only confirmed her fears... until it was revealed that was all an act. And this isn’t just speculation; right after everyone returned, Lucy expressed to Natsu, Happy, and Wendy this fear she had

But the context also offers something else. Let us ask, what gave Lucy the strength and hope she needed to, at the very least, fight this fear?

Instead of “what” we should ask “who.” The answer? Natsu, who not only provided Lucy with the hope she needed in a passive way. He also took action in response to her desire to get the guild back together and brought her to an adventure to reunite their scattered guildmates.

Again, this isn’t mere speculation. Natsu worked in the idea of getting the guild back together right after this scene:

While not explicitly romantic, these actions are far more meaningful than an overhyped slap/apology.

It’s safe to say that this element is quite unfriendly with less likely premises. Still, context not only refutes non-sensical arguments, but it also enhances NaLu moments when factoring it into the equation.

For example, the movie storyboarded by Mashima himself, Dragon Cry, features a moment previously analyzed in another post. The moment by itself looks strong, but it’s the context that further solidifies the scene as “NaLu.”

At the beginning of the story, we get Natsu asking Lucy in a curious manner “What do I look like?”. This line will be repeated at the end in the form of a "meaningful echo" as Natsu beats the bad guy with a new transformation (which made him look more like a dragon and less like a person for a while).

So, the context now gives the scene a deeper meaning as it shows how much Natsu values the perspective Lucy has of his person and how it affects his character the way she sees him.

More often than not, context allows readers to grasp the substance of a relationship and, in some cases, even individual characters.

On the other hand, there’s another underrated element many either disregard or misinterpret. It is something we already considered in an earlier post, but given how wankers try to twist this concept to downgrade NaLu, we’re going to touch this subject once again: Chemistry

As we explained before, many readers can admit NaLu has several moments throughout the author’s works, but wankers or haters still deem this bond as something lacking in “real chemistry.”

Some of you probably read my previous “rant” before and realized, one way or another, wankers promote arguments to say “implausible” premises can easily match what NaLu has. And one relatively new argument relies on the claim of certain cracks having “real chemistry” while NaLu doesn’t have any...

Does this claim hold any merits?

Short answer: No. Logic and evidence refute such arguments

First, let us consider the term “chemistry” once again. To truly understand this concept in the context of literary works we need to what true chemistry is not

True chemistry is not about commonalities. Usually playing the straight man or woman in crazy situations doesn't automatically makes you a match for someone who may do the same.

True chemistry is not about saving the girl or getting rescued by someone. A typical advice about writing chemistry indicates that it should never be implied that a character owns the other a relationship because of favors done. Saving the girl is not enough to claim a pairing has the "superior" chemistry.

Now that we cleared that up, we can answer the question: What is chemistry?

In the context of relationships, chemistry is related to mutual trust/faith; it’s a natural connection, "a bond, or common feeling between two people." In fact, "real chemistry between characters happens when they affect each other in big ways."

So, we can measure chemistry, not by commonalities, not by the characters' overall intelligence, but by how the moments they share leave an impact. When meaningful gestures and significant moments result in an emotional attachment.

But, despite all of this wankers may insist on their premises being just as solid as NaLu. What do they use as “evidence” for this claim?

The first thing many of these shippers tend to use is a “Freudian Slip” to prove a Mr. Fanservice character is seeking a romantic relationship with Lucy. The line goes something like this: “She’s kinda cute.”

Does NaLu have something better than that?

He deemed Lucy as “precious” to him as he battled the one who killed Lucy’s future self. His tears along with his actions made his words far more meaningful than a mere “Freudian Slip.”

Another moment that wankers may use involves this setting: Lucy powering through a great deal of danger and pain to save Natsu’s life with the assistance of the guy wankers promote as her would-be lover.

Does NaLu have an answer to that? Yes! All thanks to the context

The epicenter of Lucy’s emotional and physical struggle is Natsu and his potential fate after releasing him from the one thing that ties his life to Zeref’s existence.

What wankers used to justify their premises in this point of the story, turns out to be more supporting evidence of the strength of Lucy’s bond with Natsu when we factor context!

All that these shippers have left are very occasional “saved the girl” scenes and a few displays of “concern.”

We already mentioned how the reasoning “saving the girl means she owns her savior a relationship,” doesn’t match what a natural chemistry between characters should be. But, for the sake of debate let’s consider these moments anyway.

Wankers use these few showings to claim their favored character should get the 1st spot in Lucy’s heart. Because he shows “concern.” Doesn’t Natsu show a lot of concern for Lucy?

He’s pretty open about it and displays “concern” for her pretty often too, sometimes becoming hard to contain when it comes to the prospect of saving/protecting Lucy

So, if “concern” is the factor to claim a guy should be the girl’s lover/boyfriend/husband, then why wankers hype other characters over Natsu?

What about “saving the girl” scenes?

Natsu protected and saved Lucy...

...multiple times

If saving the girl = we’re a thing now, then why wankers still say their favorite option is the one who has the romantic relationship with Lucy instead of Natsu?

When all arguments are exhausted all that remains is one overhyped instance of Lucy teaming up with a cool sexy guy to parry several sand projectile attacks and claims of “wonderful friendship.”

If teamwork is a factor, then why the “most compatible team” as stated by the manga doesn’t get the same hype?

When analyzing the author’s works, we can see Natsu and Lucy displayed how well they worked together several times

When it comes to their relationship, in a previous post we also considered how their companionship and their potential to become a canon pairing can easily be described as “wonderful,” or as Lucy said: it’s always more fun when we’re together

At the end of the GMG arc, we could see how their bond, the “common feeling” between them could transcend time and space

So, why cracks are the ones deemed as “wonderful” while NaLu gets discarded?

The point is that even when several shippers claim the “saved the girl” scenes from their favored premises hold more merit, NaLu casually matches and surpasses the best they have.

This comparison is not meant to imply that saving the girl cannot be used to advance or enhance the romantic potential of a relationship. Some stories may resort to such a trope to build particular bonds, but what makes such scenes stand out is the context.

For example, one of the first NaLu moments seen in the series is when Lucy gets rescued by Natsu during the Phantom Lord arc. NaLu benefits from this scene not because Natsu was saving Lucy, but for the overall context of her situation...

...as some readers may realized by now, hearing Natsu’s voice as all that Lucy needed to jump off, taking what we could consider a “leap of faith.” This scene helps to stablish a great trust that’s growing between the characters involved.

It becomes even more meaningful when considered as part of a much bigger whole; this “whole” being the progression that created the emotional attachment that Natsu and Lucy share for one another.

Still, despite everything we’ve seen in the author’s works, even some NaLu shippers use this flawed logic to throw Lucy to the bed of a “better-looking” character or having her marry someone “cooler.” All while keeping Natsu, in the case of those who still remember he’s there, as the “other guy.”

This little exercise is meant to illustrate how, even when playing with some particular shippers’ “rules,” NaLu remains as the choice that makes the most sense and has the better chemistry. Unlike what some wankers/haters may say or think, NaLu is more than just a bunch of lovely fanarts.

Some shippers may disregard Natsu as the logical option because of his personality. He’s a good-hearted thrill-seeker; someone upbeat with a fondness for pranks and collecting mementos, as well as someone who’s prone to let out his emotions.

Several shippers don’t find such traits attractive or “worthy” of Lucy, while they favor the archetype of a stylish Mr. Fanservice character who has a cool, calm, and collected personality.

But, a potent relationship is not about what shippers consider “worthy” or “best boi.”

A potent relationship is about meaningful gestures, multiple impactful moments, consistent bonding, and a solid emotional chemistry.

One last thing to consider is this little detail: Some wankers decided to use the cover of chapter 379 not only as a sign of their crack being “semi-canon” but also as a tag for their premise.

When a hater tried to use the cover to attack rival shippers, even casual readers laughed at how delusional was claiming that cover contained anything that could support a pairing.

Then again, if we play by these wankers rules, we could mention two little pieces made by Mashima himself that when put together give us a pretty obvious message:

And as that MJ song says: “Who’s bad?”

#fairy tail #fairy tail dragon cry #natsu dragneel #lucy heartfilia #natsu x lucy #nalu #otp: it's always more fun when we're together #defending nalu #chemistry #potent relationship #potent pairing #logic #analysis #recently edited

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thrawn-created-reylo · 6 years ago

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Theory - How Thrawn Created Reylo and what it could possibly mean for Episode 9

So, my friend @reyloisthelastjedi recently finished reading the Star Wars: Thrawn novel and was finally able to understand why I had changed my username from Reylo-n-starwars to Thrawn-Created-Reylo. And it was during this moment of realization that she took her fangirling here to tumblr and had sparked some interest in my silly theory.

So, for those of you who don’t want to read through another book and dig too deeply into such small fragments of possible Reylo goodness, I have taken the time to summarize the theory here for all of you to read without needing to dive into the Thrawn novel. (Though I highly recommend it, especially if you watched Rebels.)

Spoilers, of course, for the Thrawn novels, TLJ novel and Star Wars: Rebels ahead!

First, who is Thrawn?

To understand the theory as a whole, I have to explain Thrawn’s character first, and showcase who he is as a person and how he affects the people and places around him.

The third season of the television series Star Wars: Rebels is where we are first (re)introduced to Thrawn, an alien who had recently achieved Grand Admiral status in the Imperial Navy. Right away, from the way he speaks down to his very theme music, we know he is a soft-spoken individual who carries himself with a cold confidence and is capable of incredible power and destruction due to his intelligence, rank and unwavering determination. In appearance and personality, he is the complete opposite of Darth Vader. And that doesn’t make him isn’t any less terrifying.

We see Thrawn mostly through the perspective of the Rebels, which is done entirely on purpose as we are supposed to sympathize with the heroes. We see through Ezra’s eyes that Thrawn can be quite ruthless, going so far as to murder a Rebel spy in front of his friends in what appears to be a demonstration of his intolerance for moles in the Empire -- which later comes into play with Fulcrum. So it’s made explicitly clear that he is the villain the Rebels have to beat.

The first Thrawn novel, however, takes the very idea that Rebels presents us and flips it on its head, changing our perspective and causes us to view all his scenes in Rebels in an entirely new light. An impressive feat for all the writers behind Thrawn, and again why I recommend the book in the first place if you watch the TV series.

Thrawn is so much more than he appears on the TV screen. Now seeing him through the eyes of an Imperial named Eli Vanto, we are shown that he is both confident and unsure, cold but not heartless, caring but firm. He has no intention of hurting people without reason, as he views violence as unnecessary. He is willing to fight, and sometimes kill, if it means saving more lives in the process.

He has a strange innocence to him, despite being a seasoned soldier. He faces racism and prejudice regularly in the Empire, and doesn’t quite grasp the concept of it. He is extremely polite, willing to listen, he’s happy to allow his subordinates the chance to grow and learn. He’s stubborn, respectful and somewhat temperamental toward those who are wasteful of resources and lack intelligence.

A prime example of who Thrawn is as a character is in his very first scene in Rebels, where it is pointed out that civilian casualties outnumbered the death of Rebels during the battle of Batonn. Thrawn does not deny this outright, as Pryce jumps in to defend Thrawn’s brutal tactics, giving no room for him to speak on the matter.

What the show fails to tell you is that Pryce was the reason so many civilians had died, and Thrawn had nothing to do with it, but had his suspicions of Pryce’s involvement. He, however, had agreed to not mention Pryce being responsible for the casualties due to his determination to achieve the Grand Admiral rank to further his own personal goals: Helping his people and Eli.

Thrawn’s desire for the status of Grand Admiral was not entirely a selfish one, which is often the case for most Imperials climbing to the top. So in that scene, he does not rise to defend himself as part of the agreement with Pryce, who got him promoted in the first place. But only if he stopped digging for answers about the casualties on Batonn.

And above all else, Thrawn is patient. Extremely patient. He is willing to wait for the exact right moment to begin any plan he comes up with and not a moment before. He also capable of predicting future outcomes just by closely studying culture, art and history. To him, everything has a pattern, and these patterns inevitably repeat, giving him the appearance of having an impressive foresight without the use of the Force; much to the dismay of those in his company.

How was he involved in the creation of Reylo?

The first Thrawn novel delves into how Thrawn first joins up with the Empire. After leaving an impression on some investigating Imperials on a planet he was pretending to be exiled on, he’s taken directly to Palpatine, where he strikes a clever deal with the Emperor that secures him a place in the Imperial Navy as a lieutenant.

That deal? Not only did Thrawn pique Palpatine’s interest by telling him he had met Anakin Skywalker during The Clone Wars, but also that his people, the Chiss, resided in the Unknown Regions. Thrawn had a better understanding of the dark areas of space that Palpatine’s men were struggling to map out. In order to secure the map in Thrawn’s head, Palpatine had to secure Thrawn himself. A man in power always seeks more to control. Thrawn knew this, and played right along.

After joining the Empire, Thrawn happily provided all he knew about the Unknown Regions to Palpatine, providing him the map he needed for his Contingency plan. A plan that, in the event that the Emperor should fall, Palpatine would see that his Empire would destroy itself while simultaneously ensuring its rebirth, so the Empire would have no real successor, but be reborn as something new and persist in years to come.

Palpatine left Thrawn’s map on a planet that nearly bordered the Unknown Regions: Jakku.

After the Emperor’s Fall, the Imperials fled to Jakku and the battle above the planet took place. The instructions to destroy the remaining Imperials, the Republic and Jakku was to proceed as planned, but had failed. In their last moments, the remaining Imperials used Thrawn’s map and fled off Jakku to the Unknown Regions of space, where they temporarily settled to rebuild.

And it was here, in the unknown darkness of space, the Imperials had the time to be reborn as The First Order. The very Order that would ultimately become a sanctuary for a broken and lonely Ben Solo, and give rise to Kylo Ren, who would inevitably come face to face with Rey, a scavenger girl from Jakku. Jakku being the very place that ended the Empire, but led to the rise to The First Order.

Patterns.

What does this mean for the future?

In the Thrawn novel, Thrawn himself spends the entirety of the book searching for Nightswan, an individual whose intelligence and foresight rivals his own. At the end of the book Thrawn attempts to recruit Nightswan, not for the Empire, rather, for the Chiss Ascendancy. For his own people.

Thrawn reveals that his people sent him to the Empire after Anakin suggested they should join the Republic. The Chiss had decided to see if the Empire would either be their savior against a terrible darkness or their destroyer, and Thrawn was chosen to, more or less, scope out the matter and return to his people the information he discovered. Hilariously enough, despite his dislike for moles, he is in fact a mole himself for the Chiss.

This section of the novel is important because it reveals that while Thrawn is loyal to the Empire, he is only loyal to an extent. He is using the Empire, in much the way Palpatine is using him for his knowledge of the Unknown Regions. And the only reason Thrawn remains in the Empire is to secure himself a position that will help influence who will take Palpatine’s place when the Emperor inevitably falls.

It is Thrawn’s hope that someone will take Palpatine’s place, someone who will bring peace and light to a galaxy filled with darkness and chaos. Palpatine is merely a stepping stone for the future Thrawn has already deduced.

Thrawn gave Palpatine a map to the Unknown Regions, Thrawn knew Palpatine would eventually fall and someone else would take his place. Thrawn was preparing himself, and small snippets of the galaxy, for the arrival of someone who could bring hope and light to the galaxy.

Thrawn had prepared the throne for Kylo Ren to inevitably take, so that Rey could help save him and finally bring light to a darkened galaxy. Did he know Kylo Ren specifically would take it? No, was he hopeful someone less evil would take Palpatine’s place? Yes.

By giving Palpatine that map, Thrawn had set everything in motion. A single ripple in a sea of events that would lead Kylo Ren to the Empire’s throne. Kylo Ren, the very man that Snoke had said had too much light in him. Too much of his father. Too much good.

Ben Solo was the one Thrawn hoped would take over the Empire. And Rey is the key to bringing Ben Solo back.

Did Thrawn really predict this outcome so far ahead of his time?

Honestly, this is something I cannot say with absolute certain. Every form of current-canon media that involves Thrawn writes him as someone who is always thinking eight steps ahead of any normal individual, and the stories portray him as such even to us readers. He’s always one step ahead of the reader, his stories are always written from another character’s perspective, so we’re always left wondering what he’s up to. And when we are given a glimpse through Thrawn’s eyes, it’s never about his ultimate goal, but rather the task he faces at that point in time.

We are given some glimpses into what Thrawn truly wants out of the Empire, which is of course the Chiss people to survive and succeed, and for Eli to become someone far greater than the Empire gives him credit. So we know that, above all else, Thrawn wants the people he cares about to survive, and takes great care in never mentioning where his homeworld is. Where his darling treasures reside.

Plus, according to the Behind the Scenes section on Thrawn’s Wookieepedia page, Thrawn was initially created during the era of Star Wars where the fandom, and Star Wars itself, was more or less on the verge of falling off the face of the planet after Return of the Jedi hit home video. We all are very familiar with the life cycle of a fandom: A series debuts, a fandom arises, the series concludes, the fandom disappears. This is because interest gradually dies off with a lack of consistent content.

At that point in time, Star Wars was no different. The final movie had run its course of excitement, the fandom faded, people began to move on and forget about Star Wars. So when the original Thrawn trilogy released, it sparked a renewed love in the franchise and Thrawn had became a major player in keeping Star Wars alive; resulting in the franchise gaining a permanent residence in our world’s history. So of course, when the Expanded Universe became Legends, Thrawn fell in with the non-canon crowd. Until Star Wars: Rebels reintroduced the character on screen for the first time, cementing his legacy into Star Wars canon.

I point this out because I feel it’s good to keep in mind Thrawn is an important character for Star Wars. His trilogy of novels helped keep the entirety of the franchise afloat as the Expanded Universe came into existence, and I am sure a lot of the current staff at LucasFilms know this. For that, it’s very likely that his reintroduction into the current canon is taken quite seriously; he’s not a side character whose lines are thoughtless and not important. He, like Armitage Hux, shapes the story even when you can’t see him doing so, and that every facial twitch and line spoken has layers of meaning, even when it doesn’t seem like it.

He predicted that Palpatine, like all powers, would eventually fall, and his hope was someone more balanced, more light-filled, would take his place. It’s very likely that he had set the pieces in motion to ensure that was the case, regardless if he was present for it or not. But given with how Thrawn is always portrayed, we may never actually know if it was his goal the moment he stepped foot into the Emperor’s throne room in the first novel, or if things just happened to fall that way after he handed the information on the Unknown Regions to Palpatine.

Some could argue that Palpatine’s Contingency plan would have happened regardless of Thrawn’s involvement. But because Thrawn handed Palpatine all he needed on a silver platter, setting in motion the creation of the First Order and ultimately Kylo Ren, who is being set up to help Rey bring balance to the Force and the entire galaxy, I do enjoy the idea that Thrawn had indeed set up the dominoes that would eventually collapse into a beautiful reveal of Reylo artwork.

Thanks to @reyloisthelastjedi for providing pictures from the novelizations! And for nudging me to finish this long piece of Thrawn blurb and for some ideas on what to include, including the lil Kylo Ren Is Hope bit. <3

#Reylo #theories #Thrawn #my writings #my posts #my theories

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thegeneralsnotebook · 6 years ago

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Dec 5 Spoiler Design Roundup

Why on Earth did I ever think that this was going to be a good idea? Anyway, we start off this week with a card that I should have gotten last week, pushing our total for this week up to 27 new cards to review. I can’t think of anything else to say except let’s get to it.

Ocellus, Hit the Books

Novelty: This text is coming to us straight off of Tempest Shadow & Grubber from last, without modification, and it’s not really bringing anything new to the colour since that card was in Purple too. It’s an okay point that the card allows Purple to be more removal-focused while joined with other colours but even so I’m not impressed.

Impact: It seems clear to me that the 4-req is there to explicitly bar BRB from using the card (since that deck always was Mane’ing Pink). Given that, it would fall to the Purple version of the deck to pick Ocellus up, and it might have. This card would certainly have been a help.

Flavour: Since sending to top of deck is the hardest form of Friend removal that Purple has access to, it can get associated with the toughest punishment that the colour can dish out: detention, extra homework, yada yada yada. So that’s okay, even if it feels a little off coming from earnest Ocellus here.

Rockhoof, Pillar of Strength

Novelty: Rockhoof’s primary Novelty score comes from his position as one of the few cards in the game that properly plays slowly. Taken together, after a few turns this card is usually 4 Power, and easily enough 8. But that takes time, and there haven’t been very many cards at all in the game that reach stupendous value like that only eventually.

Impact: Unfortunately, Rockhoof falls to the same Problem as did Star Swirl. Only maybe even a little worse, since at least the opponent was incentivized to get rid of Star Swirl before any of his triggers happen. The opponent might not feel like Rockhoof has to be dealt with until 2 or 3 turns down the line. Notably, of course, he’s only costing you 1, which helps, but ultimately the card would be unlikely to have much of an impact on the board.

Flavour: As I’ve said, I’ve felt pretty good about Flavour on nearly all of these Pillar cards, with the singular exception of the somewhat staid art choices. Similar to Flash before, can we not have just a touch more action to look at? But yeah, just like Star Swirl was Super Purple, say hello to Super Orange!

Mage Meadowbrook, Pillar of Healing

Novelty: Has there ever been a card that hated Troublemakers this much? You could maybe make an argument for Fire When Ready, but besides that, no. The opposing Resource sweep was done before in Rest in Pieces, but combining effects is always pushing the envelope, especially when you combine really powerful effects like this card does. And attaches a Friend to boot.

Impact: Given that the card almost single-hoofedly destroys the deck that ended up winning this past Continental’s, I naturally have a hard time seeing how it could ended up not making a splash in last set. Even if Yellow already has a ton of cards doing this, as I said above, combining effects is super powerful.

Flavour: Is this Super Yellow? Well, we’re taking two things that the colour is good at, turning them both up to eleven and combining them together, so I’d say that qualifies. Plus, yay, Meadowbrook isn’t just standing there! See, this is all that I’m asking for. Surely Flash and Rockhoof could have got something more like this.

Berry Punch, Party Preparations

Novelty: Based on how I dealt with Meadowbrook above, I feel like I should start giving a little more Novelty weight to cards that combine previous effects than I have so far. Since that really a design decision that pushes both of them. Here, we have the draw effect from the DJ Mane, in addition to CG Shining Armour’s Power philosophy. That’s enough to at least earn us something.

Impact: It’s always hard to gauge which cards could have dredged up colours that were seeing use in the old days. In this case, though, Pink/Orange actually did do a thing in SB, though admittedly only right at the end. I have a feeling this card would at least have been in the running for that sort of deck, so it deserves some respect.

Flavour: When evaluating this category, I’ve found it easier to start at 5 and think about things I don’t like rather than trying to go the other way. Because it’s worth remembering that Flavour shouldn’t be a hard category to get a 5 in. In this case, it’s a little tough to imagine Berry Punch as a solid, dependable character with lots of Power to rely on, but again it matters based on how much a party you’re ready to start. That’s something I can get behind.

Ember, Dragon Lord

Novelty: “Just another Orange Diligent Friend” was an example that I specifically had in mind for things that would score low on Novelty when I was dreaming up this series. Ember does manage to save herself at least, with the ability to provide some level of protection from frightening. She’s also good for providing a “lock without a key” like Distracting Cheerer did before. This card asks for you to have some other source of counters if you want to get max value out of it.

Impact: While Orange has done a lot of protection from frightening before, I’m struggling to think of a meta where it was really, truly, relevant. It’s never been useless, but it’s never really been useful enough to make it an objective worth playing toward either.

Flavour: The flavour text on this one wraps the whole card up into a neat little package, which providing its own cherry on top of everything. The Dragons as a whole I’ve felt to be well-designed from a Flavour standpoint this whole set: capable of working together under the guidance of a tenacious, intimidating leader. What they accomplish with that work, though, is their own problem to solve.

Greta, Cruising Along

Novelty: As many before me have pointed out, Lyra 3.0 here isn’t exactly breaking new ground in terms of what she’s trying to accomplish for the game. Surely I understand why such a card needed to exist, but that doesn’t mean I have to like it.

Impact: What with the amount of pressure that aggro was under last set, Blue would have surely appreciated another early play to rely on by Turn 2. Especially as this one could guarantee a confront on something, whether the opponent’s TT or your own Problem. So Scootaloo would have appreciated this a lot. Enough to warrant its inclusion, I’d expect.

Flavour: The thing that gets to me about this card is the necessary “drag” effect, i.e. moving something along with it entering play. I get the concept of Greta as on her way, with movement present in the card a fair amount, but to be honest I’ve never really got why any in the “Lyra” series got to move something else.

Friendship U

Novelty: This is the first tri-colour Song that I’ve had to put through this process, and as with all first-time things, it was hard. Eventually, for this category I decided to look at what each effect did, and Pink’s contribution of retiring a random is a pretty interesting one. It’s probably weak compared to the others (unless you can engineer a Poppy point with it, heh), but at least it’s new. Add that to the tri-colour +1 and we’re in an okay spot.

Impact: For an instant I was tempted to say here that tri-colour just didn’t work in SB, a meta where even two colours was often enough a liability. But Pink could do it, which at least gives cards like this a shot, and its Blue and White abilities are worth enough for a look.

Flavour: For the Flavour, I was honestly drawing a big blank here. Songs by their nature are often hard to connect in terms of Flavour, since generally three effects loosely related to the contributing colours are grouped in, as certainly seemed to be the case here. Add on to that Songs usually want to do three different things, and it’s often hard to tie the whole package together and make it feel united.

Reliving History

Novelty: This card is really cool. It took us all a few moments after its reveal to fully grasp all the ways in which that’s true, but such a simple statement of text enables a lot of ways to use it. While that’s kind of captured by Impact, there might need to be a fourth category to cover cards like this, perhaps something like “Elegance”, evaluated based on enabling as much stuff as possible with simple text. Thoughts for the future. Anyway, the card superficially resembles Stand Still! as well as Inspiration Manifestation, but comes away smelling fresh regardless.

Impact: As above, for enabling all of the cool tricks that this card does, it’s hard to imagine not finding it somewhere. The only reason this isn’t ranked higher is that White needed a lot more than just a fancy trick card to become something special. Bugle’s deck might have included this card as a counter-confront tool, but other than that there just weren’t that many decks to take it.

Flavour: In terms of the concept of literally reliving history by sending something back to where it was before, everything here works out. Even in spite of the idea maybe being a little Purple, with time travel and all that, tying it to Rarity and Sweetie with the art and text works great to make the colour work. The only issue, as is often the case on these Harmony cards, is making that scaling work. What to additional Unicorns have to do with any of this?

Mistmane, Pillar of Beauty

Novelty: Unusually for a card with a high rating, there isn’t all that much to say here. The card is novel. It comes out of left field, but rather than leaving destruction like Fireworks, it leaves thought. What is the best way to use an effect like this? Many will ask that question. Some, maybe, will find the answer.

Impact: I agonized a long time over this. Mistmane is so unique that I imagine her Impact would be the same on virtually any meta, which means that this score is unavoidably a projection on FF in addition to a reflection on SB. Provoking an explosion of speculation as she inevitably will, she can’t be lower than a 3. The only question left is how good the decks that she creates would end up being. And while I’m not willing to give her every concession, I can’t give her a 3 either.

Flavour: The card nails the Flavour, encapsulating this idea of a cycle of rebirth and renewal so well. How the card flows from hand to board to discard pile and back, earning you benefits along the way. Embrace the cycle, do not fight it. It’s good. A fitting capstone to the cycle that it’s completing.

Silverstream, Student of Friendship

Novelty: Taking a look back through the full list of cards, I was surprised by how many Problem deck interactions Pink actually has already. This card’s text borrows directly from Music in the Treetops, and comes very close to both the Cheese Sandwich UR and the Party Favour UR. Silverstream isn’t really innovating on either of them, though, except for her low req.

Impact: For the same reason, this is an effect class that Pink has had access to for a long time already, and at comparable costs too. I don’t think there’s ever been enough “Problem deck matters” cards to make this sort of thing desirable.

Flavour: Why exactly is Pink able to interact with the Problem deck? Inside the concept of the game, interacting with the Problem deck is really like being able to see the future coming before it happens, which is actually fine. Pinkie Sense is an idea, after all, though it’s weird that that’s never been explicitly elaborated in a Pink card. Either way, Silverstream isn’t even tapping into that, so I don’t know.

Caldera, Explosive Personality

Novelty: As I mentioned when I first spoiled this card, Caldera offers a third take on the idea of repeatable frighten, costing more than the free one that Midnight gave us, and less than the somewhat risky one you can get from Staff of Sacanas. Exploring that space is good, especially while fitting into the Dragon tribe and potentially pulling them in a slightly new direction. Plus, using the ready instead of the exhaust as the trigger is totally new, and enables the card to go in cool directions if its getting exhausted to some other ability.

Impact: This card’s primary value, I should think, would be in that repeatable frighten, which is not a terrible ability by any standard. While the predominant Orange/Purple of Chaos Control was never going to give up its Stick, it likes what this card can do and is in the right colours. It could have found its way to trying the card out a bit.

Flavour: Like so many of Harmony-tagged cards, the basic foundation of the card is great, incorporating the title and the flavour text into the idea of a dragon who stands as a pretty intimidating fellow. But try as I did, I couldn’t think of a good reason why, when he collects himself after having scared somepony, that would then offer some encouragement to a fellow Dragon. So a middle-of-the-road score then.

Starlight Glimmer, Great and Powerful Assistant

Novelty: Pulling things out of the discard pile temporarily to banish them later is admittedly old hat for these colours, but Starlight does do something new in tying her ability to a novel trigger. In doing so, she creates a situation where that particular ability, normally associated indelibly with control, might get included in aggro instead.

Impact: Unlike, say, griffons, dragons and changelings, the card corpus was full up on Unicorns already, and indeed most of the Unicorns that I’m now looking at to go into Unicorn aggro are old cards. So it’s safe to say that Starlight might have been able to pull a deck or two together in her time, though without the new Trixie it’s harder to say if she would have seen any success.

Flavour: Honestly, I feel like Hithroc should be really pleased with how this set has gone. While there hasn’t been that much Trixie herself, there’s been a lot of “Trixie-fication”, as I would say. Unicorns are getting emphasized for their adeptness at using spells to perform little tricks, and Starlight here is no different. She’s ready and willing to help every unicorn unlock their inner Trixie by giving them some magic to play around with.

Rainbow Dash & Fluttershy, Chillax

Novelty: Yellow has been specializing in these global +1 boosts for a while now, and perhaps the most surprising thing for me is that they haven’t worked out yet. How much is it going to take? Still, this card’s reliance on Pegasi is fresh for it, and reaps those natural points from doing Harmony.

Impact: Surely this dam’s got to burst at some point. We’re right around the point where our Pegasus tokens could be entering at around 4-5 Power after all. This card would be enough to make it work, I think, even if it would take more support (like we’ve got in this set!) to take it to the next level.

Flavour: I have a really hard attaching Swift to a card so clearly lackadaisical in its approach, yet at the same time RD and Fluttershy here are doing it right. An encouragement to get enough rest is exactly the thing that those energetic, enthusiastic Pegasi need to follow, and it will no doubt serve them well.

Tymbal, Talk It Out

Novelty: Adding new cards that score points to the game is simultaneously the most dangerous and also the most necessary experimentation that can happen within the game. Precedent has set the standard that winning almost always an alternative source of points, so adding another in a measured manner like this must be applauded. And doing so in a way that firmly nudges Changelings along is possibly even more important. I’ve lamented before that I couldn’t tell the direction of the Changeling tribe, but now I see. This card is the tribe’s direction, and it’s a worthy one to pursue.

Impact: As a card that scores points, I’ll go out on a limb and say that this card would have seen play in SB even with the dearth of changelings that set had. Thorax Mane would have dragged together as many of them as he could and given it a shot. And who knows, it might have actually worked.

Flavour: This card is possibly my favourite flavour yet. Yellow and White, for the soothing help and for a changeling who knows how to accessorize. Low power, for his own non-threatening nature. Calming is a nice touch too. Plus, for once the Harmony text makes perfect sense too. You’re getting a point because you’re actively working to solve problems before they get unmanageable, and a Feeling Forum isn’t a forum unless at least two changelings show up. It actually all fits.

Gabby, Express Delivery

Novelty: I perhaps ought to give a little more consideration on Novelty for all of the Dragon, Griffon and Changeling Harmony cards, since by their nature they’re pushing archetypes that have to be completely new. In Gabby’s case, she gets extra points for throwing Agile onto a fairly substantial body, and synergizing it well with her own ability.

Impact: One reason to support the above assertion is that due to the fact that Dragons, Griffons and Changelings were more spice than strategy before, most of their Harmony cards now are doomed to low Impact ratings, because you’re a total bomb like Tymbal you’re not going to suddenly incarnate a deck around yourself. Gabby suffers that fate just as well as any griffon has before her.

Flavour: I talked in the last post about how the Griffon tribe functions around the idea not of quite working together, but of having each griffon be individually better instead. Each griffon costs less, or gets to frighten a thing, or draws you a card when it moves, etc. Since this keeps playing into that idea, it’s good. Plus the rest of the stats all seem to line up okay, and the Agile makes plenty of sense for a youth like Gabby.

Applejack & Pinkie Pie, Backdrop Builders

Novelty: We’ve had a couple of cards that start faceoffs when they enter before, that couple being Gilda and SR Maud. But neither of those had anywhere near the same payoff as this one. This has the potential to draw a lot of cards, and I think it necessitates experimentation, which is what new cards should always do.

Impact: As I mentioned for the other Pink/Orange card, we only have to look for eminently_sensible’s Continentals deck to ask if it would have taken something like this. Maybe it would have. Probably it wouldn’t have. And would this card have coalesced a new deck around itself? I don’t think so, though it’s still exciting enough to give me pause. I can’t give it a 2, so I guess it’s a 3.

Flavour: So the thing is that Gilda and Maud both had confrontations worked into their concepts. So too for the Showdowns and the old multi-showdowns. This card kinda does, right there in the art, but it’s self-contained. We’re not challenging the opponent just because there’s conflict inherent in the card. Moreover, again the scaling with earth ponies is a little tricky to walk.

The EEA Council, Strict Guidelines

Novelty: The thing that I love about cards like these, at least as far as this series is concerned, is that they’re so easy to write about. This card’s effect is totally new and completely unexpected. Check.

Impact: This card impacts basically every deck from prior metas, to some greater or lesser degree. The only reason it’s not a five is due to the (small) chance that everyone just ignores it because they can’t build a good enough deck around it. But even then, all decks have to be aware that it exists.

Flavour: This card makes perfect sense, with the staid, stolid council unwilling to put up with any funny business. And, even better, them being so imperious that they’ll enforce those rules on everyone, not just the opponent. In some Un-set, I wouldn’t be surprised if Neighsay enforced his rules on the games adjacent to yours as well.

Pegasus Chariot

Novelty: While essentially doing nothing that hasn’t been done before, Pegasus Chariot gets high marks for rolling everything up into a Resource and presenting such a compelling value engine. It’s a deceptively simple card, but it does everything, and because of that it’s very versatile. Both Blue and Purple like what they’re seeing here.

Impact: It doesn’t matter if you’re primarily moving your stuff or the opponent’s stuff, the card is just as good. That allows this card to fit just fine into two wildly different play styles, and that helps its Impact immensely. Like I said, basically any Purple/Blue deck would need to look.

Flavour: For the “Elegance” rating that I mentioned earlier, this card is off the charts. Both Blue and Purple wrapped up in a single ability, presented as a single sentence. What is there to say? It’s a chariot that moves stuff. Plus you’ve got the pegasi too, so you don’t have to supply a driver; just pay them what they’re due.

Professor Fossil, Chipping Away

Novelty: On the other hand, sometimes you get a softball going totally the other direction. Vanilla entry? Boring.

Impact: I repeat: Vanilla entry? Boring.

Flavour: This one, though, I did have to think about. I wanted to be very careful if I was going to consider giving the card an all-around 1, after all. Such vanilla cards have to exist after all, and Flavour is their saving-grace category. But 4-Power, especially in Orange, comes almost exclusively down to either physical strength, or the results of cooperation, neither of which is in much evidence here. Is “having strong opinions” enough to warrant that designation? No.

Sphinx, Grinning Riddler

Novelty: These guessing type mechanics are nothing new to the game, but they’ve been infrequently enough in the past that it’s useful to have some more to play around with. Especially in a form like this, where it’s not hard to imagine the card’s effect going off every so often. Plus it’s the first time something like this has had such a significant effect, as opposed to just gaining some AT from Magic Arena.

Impact: The problem naturally, is that in SB the Troublemaker choices were relatively set in stone, and the meta really lacked any way to increase the Sphinx’s effectiveness. This card was never going to dislodge Mimics or Grubber from their spots, so it’s hard to imagine a world where it saw much of any play.

Flavour: The card fits the bill for what it’s trying to do though. Like the Sphinx of old, it asks a question, and if you get it right it steps aside. Good stuff. It’s also very nice that if your opponent has Somnambula, this card actually does nothing. Since you have to indicate which card you chose, and your opponent can see your hand. But that’s great from a design perspective.

We’re Friendship Bound

Novelty: At least with tri-colour cards I now have something of a rubric to mark against. The random discard is pretty new, as we had a little of it way back in the day, but not much at all these days. Moving opposing characters is nothing special, nor is getting through Troublemakers though. (Flutter Pirate was basically an Event already.) So Tri-colour +1 plus the Orange thing makes 3.

Impact: Moving three opposing characters or getting through Troublemakers are great abilities, though, as is the random discards when attached to a simple Event. Honestly I’d have marked this card higher if being tri-colour hadn’t been as much of a liability in the past.

Flavour: As I said, for Friendship U, it’s almost an expectation that these tri-colour Songs should be a bit of a mess in terms of Flavour. We’re taking three effects that emulate their colour, and which do fundamentally different things in order to make the Song versatile, and it’s incredibly hard to get something coherent out of that. Consider this 2 almost as a placeholder in that respect.

Somnambula’s Blindfold

Novelty: Ooh, a perfect score! That’s nice, since it usually means I don’t have to write all that much. The Novelty here is easy enough to grasp, as I can’t remember seeing text like that anywhere before. Such an effect, especially expressed as an all-powerful can’t, is quite a powerful one, and well worth seeing around.

Impact: Similarly, last set there was a whole lot of discard pile interaction going on, and a whole pile of deck search going on too. Maybe this is a good time to point out that this card turns off Meticulous?? Yeah, that’s pretty Impactful.

Flavour: As Somnambula’s artifact, the Blindfold forces both players to play blind, to understand that no matter how hard they try, they’re not going to impact their futures or reach back into their pasts to find answers. There is only the now, and the only course of action is to pick a direction and believe it’s the right one.

Mistmane’s Flower

Novelty: As many people better-versed in the CG corpus than I were quick to point out, this is very close to what Fake Crystal Heart did back in the day. But as only the second card ever to implement this ability, and for doing it in a slightly novel way, it’s got to get some recognition. Core could use something like this, for all the weirdness it enables.

Impact: The card clearly has been designed to be a lot better than Fake Crystal Heart for what it does, enough so that it’s going to get some interest no matter where it goes. Is it enough interest to make it actually good. Well, there definitely are enough Resources out there to be worth stealing, that’s for sure.

Flavour: Since we don’t have the full flavour text on this one, I don’t have to evaluate it! Because Flavour is all about the whole package, and we don’t have the whole package. But for what it’s worth, the rest of the card looks good, fitting nicely into Mistmane’s whole cycle of renewal thing.

Defend the Hive

Novelty: This is a pretty simple, straightforward Event, even if we include the whole Harmony Changeling text. To some extent, it can win some plaudits just for being so simple and elegant. Just like with Chariot, simplicity can often open the door to the real shenanigans.

Impact: Thorax adores this card, and though he wasn’t all over the place last set, he sure was knocking on the door. He just needed to get a wing in somewhere, and surely he would have been all over the place. I’d be willing to bet that this card would have been good enough to make some more people see him.

Flavour: I am surprised, though, to see the very simple Immediate-speed move-a-thing Event be in Yellow of all colours. The Changeling add-on is fine, but the vanilla Event is plainly Blue, and that hurts the Flavour a good deal. It’s one of those cards that I can see the intention behind pretty clearly, which is a shame here, because it doesn’t change the facts.

Spike, Fight and Flight

Novelty: In essence, this card functions a lot like an Ember with Diligent, except of course that he only goes in one faceoff per turn. Since his potential payoff is a lot more, then that’s just fine with me. Plus he brings that ability into the proper fold of the Dragon colours.

Impact: When I first saw this card, my first thought was: “This is why the Dragon deck doesn’t have to splash for Ember, huh?” My second was: “I’m probably still going to splash for Ember though.” Now none of that is to hate on Spike. This low Impact rating is simply a point of recognizing that Chaos Control wasn’t about to take him, and like so many of these new cards, Spike isn’t hitting anything special nor is he going to forge a new deck all on his own. Don’t worry, Spike, you’ll have a place in FF if I have anything to say about it.

Flavour: Spike’s growing up! And so he’s becoming more like a dragon, starting some fights and getting in on them. He’s smart enough to pick his battles, but also not tenacious enough yet to get in on too many of them. Just like Ember, though, he’s a noble dragon, so he’ll only end up on the wrong side of the fight sometimes. I know I’m looking forward to having Spike and Nightmare Moon team up to scare off some ponies.

Old Money, Particular Socialite

Novelty: Our text here comes to us direct from A Petite Sneeze, only without the inflated cost and with the added sweetener of that “enters play” ability. That’s a dramatic realignment from its former incarnation, and stands poised to usher in some real fun times.

Impact: Is this the most powerful “enters play” ability we’ve ever had on a Friend. It’s in the running, I’d say. There’s a deck shaping up already that looks to get away with murder thanks to this card, and most of it is pre-FF. Suddenly some cards like Starlight Glimmer, Magic Instructor are looking pretty essential. But I’m not quite ready to say that it’s going to kill everything yet.

Flavour: Well, here we’ve got a very exacting planner indeed. Meticulous 2 is reserved for the ponies who really obsess over the details, and Old Money here likes it just so. Moreover, if you step out of line, she won’t just show you the door. She will end you. But political and social connections can only get a pony so far. Banishing Troublemakers is a little much.

Yona, Friendship or Else

Novelty: A quick look through the archives reveals that Persistent, while a rarity among Yellow Friends, isn’t an unknown. The same goes for Swift, which is a little more common among Yellow. The big kicker here though is that bounce text. For what is I think the first time, the strongest removal in Yellow is being done in a repeatable manner. I know of a deck or two that will like that.

Impact: So Bedtime has been lurking in the shadows for a long time now, played only by a couple of true aficionados. I don’t expect that Yona is going to suddenly bring that thing into the spotlight, but she certainly helps. It’s good that she can find a place there, since I’m not sure if the aggro Yellow can find a spot for her. Maybe it could, but Yellow was very fast in those days, and might not have appreciated a tempo card like this one as much.

Flavour: Yona knows what she wants, and she’s not going to stop until she gets it. Again, bounce is Yellow’s super removal, so if you want a repeatable version of it, you better put it on someone bound and determined to see their way through. Yona even kinda’ deserves the Swift, being a quick stepper when the situation demands it. Not all bad at all.

Well, as to what I’ll do for this when the whole set comes out, we’re going to have to see. I could see myself maybe extending it out as we go over the rest of the set, to avoid having to do dozens of cards in one week ever again. Stay tuned for updates on that.

#mlpccg #mlp:ccg #friendsforever #design

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eddie-casablanca · 7 years ago

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Candy Wrapper

Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier

Rating: T

Summary: “I’m not going to tell Richie that I love him because you think a candy wrapper told me to!” He was going to tell Richie he loved him because Beverly Marsh and candy wrapper told him to.

Eddie stared down at the candy wrapper in his hands. He had smoothed out the wrinkles so that the message could clearly be read there.

“Do something that scares you.”

“Come on Eddie, you promised. What’s something you can do that scares you?” Beverly said. They were alone in Eddie’s room, Eddie’s mom had gone to do errands, as she did every Friday afternoon and wouldn’t be back for a few hours if her previous habits held true. They had started out doing what they always did, bitching and eating junk food. It was very therapeutic. Today’s topics had ranged from rumors to homework assignments, even to their boyfriends. They both regretted that last one a bit, but one of the bonuses about these afternoons they spent together was that nothing left the room. They also didn’t offer advice, unless the other explicitly asked for it. Something the rest of the losers didn’t quite understand that when Bev and Eddie were complaining about something, they often didn’t need advice or even a response. Stan and Mike liked to give logical thought out plans, Ben and Bill liked to offer to fix things, and Richie, he cracked jokes and sometimes offered to beat people up. None of them had any grasp on the concept of venting. Hence why Bev and Eddie were sitting on Eddie’s bedroom floor, eating chocolate and lamenting about various things in their lives. After the very incriminating conversation about Ben and Richie though, they were kind done with complaining, but Bev didn’t want to go home, and Eddie hated being alone in his house, so Beverly came up with a new game. The chocolate they were eating had messages on the foil wrappers. These messages were usually pieces of advice or personal affirmations. They would both pick one from the bag and whatever the advice on the wrapper was, they had to follow through with by the end of the week. Beverly, because she’s the luckiest person alive got one that said, “Get a good night’s sleep.” While she cackled about how her game had backfired, Eddie unwrapped his, and that message that would change everything was revealed to him.

“I don’t know Bev, I’ve done a lot of things that have scared me. I can think of a couple of incidents with a killer clown, for one thing, then there’s also, raising my hand in AP world history, trying out for the baseball team, asking Richie Tozier if he was my boyfriend, getting forcibly removed from the homecoming dance, AFTER mouthing off to the vice principal. There aren’t a lot of things that don’t scare me, Bev.” Eddie said.

“I can think of one, we were just talking about it, around ten minutes ago.”

“Oh, no, Bev, I can’t you know I can’t.”

“You can and you will! A deal’s a deal! You’ve got to tell Richie you love him!”

“I’m not going to tell Richie that I love him because you think a candy wrapper told me to!”

He was going to tell Richie he loved him because Beverly Marsh and candy wrapper told him to.

His largest problem was, of course, he had no idea how to do it. In the movies that he and Ben liked to watch during their monthly “we both really like romance and if you tell anyone I’ll kill you” movie nights, declarations of love were Big Deals. They involved planning, grand gestures, exactly the right moment. Eddie couldn’t exactly confess after the big school dance, they were too young to go to prom, or run through an airport screaming, or even stand under Richie’s window with a boombox, he couldn’t really lift a boom box, nor did he have one. He was kind of stumped. It’s not like he could even ask any of his friends for help, he was in uncharted territory. On top of that, he had a schedule to keep, if he didn’t complete this task by the following Friday, there would be consequences.

The whole next day he was worried about it. He didn’t want to say it at the wrong time or in the wrong way, and he definitely didn’t want to have to say it more than once. It couldn’t be a grand gesture, for one, someone might see it, for another, if he went to all out he might scare Richie. Oh god, what if it was too soon. What if he said it and Richie bailed because it was too much. He felt completely screwed.

“Hey Mrs. Hanscom, is Ben there?” Eddie sat on his bedroom floor and spoke quietly into the phone. He didn’t want his mother to overhear him.

“Sure Eddie, I’ll get him.” Mrs. Hanscom called across the house for her son.

“Hey, Eddie, what’s up?” Ben answered the phone casually.

“I need help haystack. I made a deal with Bev, that I would tell Richie I loved him by Friday. I don’t know what to do.” Eddie said in a rush.

“Okay, Eddie, take a breath there little dude. You do love Richie, don’t you?”

“Yeah?”

“And you’re seeing him tonight right?”

“Right?”

“So there you go, it doesn’t have to be a big deal, just find a moment.” Find a moment, okay find a moment. He can absolutely do that.

Later that evening, Richie and Eddie were curled up on Richie’s couch. Richie was laid out with his head on Eddie’s chest. They were going to watch a movie but neither of them was really in the mood. Richie was more interested in kissing Eddie, and Eddie was preoccupied with trying to find the right time to tell Richie he loved him. They were just sort of lying there, not talking, not kissing, just sitting there, when Eddie blurted out:

“I love you.” Shit! That was the exact opposite of what he wanted to do! Shit!

“Uh, I have to go.” Richie jumped off the couch and bolted towards the door.

“Richie! Wait!” but Richie was already gone. “We’re in… your house…”

Eddie did the only thing he could think to do. He went home and cried. He turned off all of the lights and covered himself in as many blankets as he could find and cried. When he had been crying for what felt like hours, and his eyes were scratchy and his breath was coming out in hiccups. He removed himself from his blanket den and took a deep breath, then another one and another one. While he was breathing, he heard a bang on his window. He quickly dried his eyes and went to investigate. Richie was standing beneath Eddie’s window. Behind him, the sidewalk read “I love you too!” in chalk. Eddie began to cry again.

“Oh Fuck! Eds! Don’t cry! Shit! Can I come up?” Eddie nodded, still crying, and opened the window. Richie climbed up the side of the house with practiced ease and soon found himself in Eddie’s room with his arms around a crying Eddie.

“Oh, Eds, I’m so sorry I freaked out, there’s just not a lot of people running around saying they love me. I don’t even remember the last time I heard it from my parents. So, yeah, hearing you say you love me was scary. But, I love you, of course, I love you.” Richie whispered into Eddie’s hair. Eddie pulled away and quickly dried his eyes once more.

“Richie, this is definitely in the top five most romantic things you’ve ever done and I absolutely forgive you, and I love you. But how are you gonna get rid of the writing on the sidewalk?”

“Don’t worry about it babe, the sprinklers will take care of it. If you’ve forgiven me, does that mean I can stay the night?” Eddie just nodded and buried his face into Richie’s shoulder.

#reddie #reddie fanfiction #it movie 2017 #it fanfiction #richie tozier #eddie kaspbrak #❤️

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singingwordwright · 7 years ago

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Shadowhunters recap - s2ep18 “Awake, Arise, or Be Forever Fallen”

SHADOWHUNTERS Recaps Intro and Masterlist

These recaps may contain spoilers from the books (that may or may not happen in the show.) Proceed at your own risk.

Recap and meta under the cut.

Gotta give it to Max, he’s a little badass. Temper that with a bit of discretion and maybe he’ll actually live to reach adulthood, contrary to all book canon. Like, seriously Max, you couldn’t have gone to find Alec or Izzy once you realized what the hair leading you to Sebastian meant, instead of confronting Sebastian yourself?

Gratifying just how many times Sebastian gets stabbed in this episode. Of course, I’d prefer it if one of them was a mortal wound, but alas…

If Lindsay was lurking in the hall outside Alec’s office, she should have heard Max’s head crack against the desk. A blow hard enough to knock someone out and cause them to bleed from their nose and ears would be LOUD. I’ve literally heard real people hit their heads in ways that do much less damage and it sounded like a melon exploding.

Now that the banter and fun goofing around is back, so is Simon and Maia’s chemistry. I think this is the magic of Simon. I bought the Climon relationship the most when he and Clary were being giggly and having fun together. I found Simon and Maia’s chemistry in s2ep06 to be off the charts, again, when they were bantering and laughing. For some reason, whenever Simon forgets to be that guy whom women can laugh and have fun with, he loses a lot of what makes him click in his various potential pairings.

My frustration hit its peak with the fact that Sebastian was right there in the middle of everything while everyone was all, “Where is Jonathan?” There’s only so many times you can yell “HE’S THERE!!! HE’S RIGHT FUCKING THERE IN FRONT OF YOU!!!” at the TV before you just throw your hands up in the air and say, “You know what? Fuck it. You’re too stupid to live. I hope he guts you all.”

They carried this plotline right up to the brink of me hitting that point.

Current sexuality: Magnus saying, “m’lady.”

“Your crush” Oh, I’ll show you a fucking crush, you pint-sized wretch!

Let’s all take a moment to bow our heads and be grateful the producers are making a young-adult urban fantasy show and not a hospital drama. Because they would be really, really bad at it. Seriously I was cringing.

And what the fuck were the runes flashing on the monitor over Max’s head about? Are they there to remind the infirmary medics “This is how you draw an iratze. This is how you draw Nourishment. This is how…” (I’m not sure what that last one was, but it looked like some Shadowhunter stylized version of the Caduceus or the rod of Asclepius.)

Of all the times for Magnus to refuse to take Alec’s call.

Wow. I’d forgotten what an asshole Season 1 Alec could be. He’s come a long way, considering that in-universe it has literally been six weeks since he and Magnus met (No, seriously, check out my timeline if you doubt me. I did the math so you don’t have to.)

I say “asshole” in the most loving way possible, of course. He had his reasons, but he was indeed an asshole. It just goes to show how unhappy and uncomfortable in his own skin he was, and how much losing that burden of hiding himself away from the world impacted him.

Still, I sort of wanted Magnus to push back a little harder when Alec low-key threatened him. “If you let anyone know…”/“Oh, you’ll do what, Shadowhunter?” Because Magnus could almost certainly kick Alec’s ass with all but one of his little pinky fingers broken.

I’m glad we’re finally getting down to business with the whole Ollie thing. But IIRC it’s against the Accords (or Covenant?) to let mundanes know anything about the Shadow world. Which means Luke could be in trouble if the Clave gets wind of her finding out.

And why is so so eager to know, anyway? Like, why was she all up in his business?

I’m wondering if it doesn’t actually have something to do with Maia, considering the way Ollie zeroed right in on her. Say, Ollie’s a cop, but she also, idk, moonlights helping Sam (who maybe is a private investigator?) by taking on missing person cases at the behest of desperate families. Contrary to book canon, we’ve been given some indication that Maia’s parents may actually care for her, so what if they hired Sam and Ollie to track Maia down, and find out she’s gotten mixed up in what might look to be (on the surface) a weird wolf-worshipping cult?

IDK I’m just spinning bullshit theories.

I like how at SDCC Isaiah said that Luke is grooming Maia to take over the pack someday, and how we actually sort of saw that in action here.

I liked Jace’s distress here, because with the exception of s2ep08 and a pat on the head in the last episode, we haven’t really seen him and Max interact or gotten any impression of how his relationship is with Max. And his distress here feels a lot more…sincere? relatable, maybe?...than his oft-repeated bouts of brooding manpain over his upbringing under Valentine.

And, strangely, his pain feeling more genuine also made Clary’s empathy and support feel more genuine. This moment made me feel more of a connection between them than just about any other moment they’ve had on-screen together.

Funny how when you build a relationship between characters out of moments and situations that are arise organically within the plot—rather than forcing it—it just works better, isn’t it?

I feel like I should say something about Bat, but I just don’t have much of an impression of him or what part he’s going to play within the plot, yet. Kevin Alves seems incredibly sweet and eager to be a part of the show, however, so there’s that?

“Rebooting of the brain.” Really? (The part of me that actually knows something about medicine is rolling its eyes so hard right now. This was badly done. Suspension of disbelief in one area only works if you are meticulously grounded in accurate reality in other areas, and this would have been a good area to do that. Massive head trauma that can’t be magically woo-wooed away.)

I have lots of thoughts on the decision to keep Max alive, most of them not good. I was prepared for the pain of him dying, which would have struck pretty close to home because I have a 10yo son. And as a storyteller, I think it would have gone a long way to establishing the stakes for this story.

Like, Valentine wants to commit genocide, and Sebastian wants to help him. We all get that. And we’re all horrified by it. But genocide is a MASSIVE concept to try to really wrap your head around. The human brain, I think, tends to shield you from really grasping it. It’s just too much.

This is a problem faced often by storytellers who are writing stories in which the fate of the world is at stake. It’s too big. The audience can’t connect with it personally, can’t internalize it. So you take that, and you distill it to make the stakes personal. One death, of a character who is beloved by your protagonists and hopefully by your audience, an innocent with all the potential in the world that will now never manifest, stands in for the thousands or millions who will actually die if the bad guy isn’t stopped. That death becomes a rallying point for your protagonists, and a symbol to your audience of just how evil your bad guy is and how much he needs to be stopped.

In short, Max needed to die. He needed to die as tragically as possible. It would have had a lot more storytelling mileage.

God. This scene was just everything I could have asked for their first time to be. I’m pretty sure I wrote a line in a fanfic once about Magnus telling Alec that one of the rules of his bed was that you had to be able to laugh in it, so the giggling and giddiness was just so perfect. And the fact that Magnus responded “No such thing” when Alec expressed concern that he might be doing something wrong is really something else I could have written myself.

It was tender and sweet and sexy without being objectifying and I loved it.

I will say, though, I’m probably in the minority in that I never wanted or needed to see a scene where Alec was confronted with Magnus’s cat eyes for the first time and explicitly stated his unstinting acceptance of him. I always felt it would be othering to go that route. And I felt like this idea that Magnus, who is so incredibly powerful, would lose control so easily a little absurd. I always liked to imagine that the idea that Alec would find NOT being accepting of Magnus unthinkable, that he would be honestly and sincerely befuddled by the idea that Magnus’s eyes might be a Big Deal. “Yeah, he’s a warlock, he has a warlock mark, I’m not sure why that’s supposed to be something that matters.”

That said, if they were going to go there, then this was the way to do it. The thread that weaves through Magnus and Alec’s story in this episode and ties past to present is the fact that they come from different worlds, and with those different worlds come different obligations and priorities. So in this case, the othering was entirely the point and it played into that theme.

So, if it had to happen, I’m glad it at least happened within this context and wasn’t just schmaltzy.

I really loved Luke being such a badass here but I’m certain allowing Russell to live is a bad idea.

Seriously, though, Russell. Not only is Luke a badass just as a werewolf, but he’s got the martial training of a Shadowhunter. How do you imagine you’re going to win this?

Probably one of the most realistic fight scenes I’ve ever seen in terms of showing just how exhausting fighting becomes in very short order. Too many drag out too long before the combatants start to show fatigue.

I really want to know about the cooks at the Jade Wolf. Are they werewolves themselves? Is that why the kitchen staff never bats an eye at anything, including these people waltzing in and out of the kitchen and storeroom?

The scene with Maia explaining her backstory was extremely well done and Alisha Wainwright is all things wonderful and I love her.

“This is what love got me.” Let’s take a moment to recognize the symmetry of Maia and Simon’s stories though. Becoming a vampire, a Downworlder, is what love got Simon as well.

I can’t say anything about this scene that hasn’t been said before, and better, since they released it as a sneak peek. But it’s so beautiful and my heart hurts.

Magnus’s moment with the Lightwoods all together on one side of the hall and him by himself on the other is incredibly poignant but I can’t find the words to really examine it properly. This is the point at which things just began to hurt too much and my brain stopped being able to cope with it.

I’d really like to know how Jace, who can sense Alec’s happiness over things like having sex with his boyfriend for the first time, couldn’t sense the lack of a spike in grief that would have surely occurred upon Max’s death. Grrr.

The fight sequence with Sebastian taking out all the guards was amazing and Will Tudor is brilliant. Did he really use a sword that was still stuck through someone’s body to parry a blow?

What the hell was with him just using his hand to open the crypt, though? No rune or anything. Can Sebastian somehow channel magic?

This whole thing with Clary was awesome and for once she seemed to be working for her miracles so I’ll ungrudgingly let her have this. The one thing I don’t know is what finally tipped her off about Sebastian. Was the electrum nugget thing too warm after he handled it? Did she just realize she never saw his palm? What made her chase after him and check his palm?

I loved her stabbing him. Twice. I’m fully in support of stabbing Sebastian. Yes. Please. Let’s stab Sebastian more. Sebastian for Pincushion 2k17.

Sebastian continues to be a creepy-ass fuck. Seriously, WHY did they decide to go with the incestuous obsession thing? There are so many other places they could have taken that story.

I like that her Open rune that burned through Magnus’s wards also exploded the Institute security doors. I appreciated that for a couple reasons. First, because Sebastian taught her to do that, to use her runes and make them more powerful. Second, it’s also a nice little nod to the books, since we didn’t get that scene of Clary totally disintegrating and blowing up Valentine’s barge with that rune.

Sebastian has vamp speed, too?

I want to ship them, but I haven’t managed it yet. In-universe it’s been like, a week, since Clary and Simon broke up. And of course we know they’re not end-game. But the writers ended up making me buy Climon more than I ever expected to, so maybe they’ll do the same with this one.

I just don’t want to see either of them hurt, so if Simon ends up ending it with Maia, I’m going to be upset, and if Maia ends up ending it with Simon I’ll be upset. *sigh*

I hated seeing the home Simon has been making for himself torn apart like that.

This is the moment of my first death and the beginning of buckets of tears. This look on Magnus’s face after Alec says “our way back to each other.” I can’t. I just can’t. He’s just so heartbroken here.

And the way Alec’s eyes close when Magnus touches him.

And the way Magnus’s voice almost breaks when he says “I love you, too.”

And the way Magnus is trying to smile, just a little. To hold on to some of the joy he’s found with Alec. To file this portion of his life away as a happy memory. To remember Alec as a good thing and not a source of sorrow.

There are so many nuances here and every single one of them fucking slays me dead.

Alec’s disbelief and denial.

Alec’s youthful, naïve insistence that if they just work hard enough, if they’re just determined enough, they can find a way, and Magnus’s world-weary wisdom and centuries of experience telling him there’s just no chance for them.

“You once asked me what I was afraid of. It’s this.”

And here’s my second death. That all along we thought that Magnus was afraid of being alone, being abandoned, like Camille said, he never does well losing the people he cares about.

So, we’ve always thought he was afraid Alec would break his heart. Leave him. Be repulsed by him. Choose duty over him.

We should have known better. Magnus has lived long enough to have his heart broken before, and he knows he’ll survive it.

His real fear is inflicting that pain, that loss, on someone else.

My third and finale death. Alec stifling a sob is where I just lose it entirely.

So I guess what I’m saying here?

Yes, this is a break-up. That’s my read on it. Sorry. It just is.

I don’t believe it’s a permanent one. Of course it’s not. If they’re not back together by the end of the season, at least on some sort of tentative, provisional basis, I’ll be very surprised and extremely pissed off. If I’m left with this boulder sitting on my chest over the hiatus I’m not sure I’ll survive. This show is supposed to be my happy place and I think if they leave me in this hurty place for very long it’s going to ruin it for me.

I don’t think the producers will let this linger long.

But this scene right here? As far as Magnus is concerned in this exact moment as he’s walking away from Alec?

He thinks they’re done. He thinks they’re over. He means it to be that way.

Something will happen to make him change his mind, though, and that’s important. Because here’s the thing:

We’ve seen Alec choose Magnus over and over and over.

He chose Magnus in s1ep06 when he walked away from the Institute and duty to take an evening to at least investigate the possibility of doing something that wasn’t about duty.

He chose Magnus in s1ep12 when he walked away from his own wedding.

He chose Magnus in s2ep06 when he turned his back on his own fears and misgivings and plunged into this relationship.

He chose Magnus in s2ep08 when he challenged his mother’s lack of acceptance repeatedly and sent her a very pointed message about their relationship.

He chose Magnus in s2ep10 when he rejected Aldertree’s words about the impossibility of relationships between Shadowhunters and Downworlders.

He chose Magnus in s2ep13 when he risked censure from the Inquisitor to take a stand for what’s right.

Even when everything he’s ever been trained and brought up to do is telling him to do the opposite, he has chosen Magnus repeatedly.

The only time we haven’t seen him choose Magnus was with regard to keeping the secret about the Soul Sword, and even then, his choice was about Magnus, even if it was paternalistic and wrong-headed.

What we haven’t seen, though?

We haven’t seen Magnus choosing Alec. We see him clearly aware of the difficulty in their situation, especially since s2ep12, but he never really chooses to stand against it. Which is not to say he’s not committed, not at all. We’ve seen Magnus put himself on the line and expose himself and make himself vulnerable for Alec. That’s huge. But with the exception of his hesitation to keep pursuing Alec in s1ep12, we haven’t seen him make that same deliberate decision to damn the obstacles between them and make this relationship happen. His commitment has been more along the lines of ducking and covering and hoping whatever is heading toward them blows over before it pushes them to this critical juncture.

We need to see him make that choice. Everything since s2ep12 has been leading to him making that choice.

Now, I don’t want to step outside my lane, so I’m gonna tread carefully here.

The thing we have to remember is that Alec, coming from the privileged group, is much safer choosing Magnus than Magnus is in choosing Alec. He’s got that safety net built in, so it’s easier for him. He may face censure and perhaps a decrease in some of his advantages (like being passed over for job promotions) but no consequences that he might face are on the same level of what Magnus might face.

So the two dilemmas and the choice to stand against their respective obstacles are not equal. If Magnus choses their relationship over his people, he doesn’t just face censure, he faces genocide. Pretty big difference there. The only possible way he can justifiably choose Alec at all is if he somehow discovers that choosing Alec dovetails conveniently with the best way to protect himself and his people.

My prediction is that something in the next episode, or in the finale at the latest, is going to bring Magnus to that decision point and make him turn around.

But for the moment? Right now, this scene?

I know it’s going to be an unpopular opinion, but Magnus really does mean this to be a breakup.

#shadowhunters #shadowhunters meta #meta #s2ep18 #recaps #s2b

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perpetually-jungshook · 8 years ago

Text

How to Change a Fuqboi (Hoseok)

Word Count: 3,912

Loosely inspired by the song “Fuqboi” by Hey Violet and “Not My Type at All” by Jacob Whitesides

Rated M (language and like REALLY REALLY suggestive sh!t yo 😂)

How To Change A Fuqboi

Volume 1: Happenstance (Jungkook) Volume 2: For-Getting His Attention (Jimin) Volume 3: Bonding and Binding (Taehyung) Volume 4: One and Done (Yoongi) Volume 5: Unintentional Liar (Seokjin) Volume 6: To Be Loved (Namjoon) Volume 7: Checklist (Hoseok)

✩✩✩♔✩✩✩

Step 1) Pay attention to first impressions*

After a little…thinking time, I have decided to write this last volume in sight of the fact that there is something we failed to discuss earlier.

In the words of the great poet William Shakespeare, “Some are born as a fuckboy, some achieve fuckboy-hood, and some have fuckboy-hood thrust upon them.” Okay, yes, I changed it a LITTLE. But that’s beside the point. In this volume, we will be addressing the third version, those that have “fuckboy-hood thrust upon them” which I will henceforth reference as a “convert.” Often times, these are guys who have experienced emotional trauma in a romantic relationship, but instead of working toward a healing resolution, they will compensate by seeking comfort in… something else.

Jung Hoseok, a name that anyone- nay, EVERYONE in the Middle Earth dormitory has heard.

Jung Hoseok, the dancer, the straight A student, the part time waiter in the university’s only sit-down restaurant.

Jung Hoseok, the most notorious fuckboy on campus.

See, rumor has it, he keeps this list, a LITERAL list. It has no title and no explanation, but neither is ever really necessary. It only consists of names…about three hundred of them, though the general consensus stands that slightly more than half are crossed out. And let’s just say it’s not because he’s handing out party invitations.

So obviously, when you moved into your Middle Earth apartment, having transferred over from another university, within the first two days you knew who he was and that you should stay the hell away from him at all costs.

You want NOTHING to do with Jung Hoseok.

It’s not that he’s trouble, because let’s face it, you are NO stranger that word in any sense, but rather your avoidance of him has everything to do with how you first met and what he said to you. Or maybe what he didn’t say.

The empty carton of cigarettes stares back at you with a vengeance, the last one poised between your fingers.

By now, one would think you’d learn to keep a reserve, but NO. You let your vices eat you alive and then cyclically get angry when you neglect them out of laziness. You shrug, skillfully flicking on your lighter before letting the tip of the flame kiss the edge of the cigarette.

Fine. Whatever. Learn nothing, that’s okay too.

Taking a thoughtful drag, shifting your position at the base of the tree, you pull out this quarter’s class schedule and the campus map to look them over one last time instead of watching students pass between small dormitory buildings, meeting neighbors, greeting friends.

As you have or desire neither, you devote your attention to the paper, pretending to be thoroughly interested in wherever the hell “Science Lecture Hall B” is located- especially as some boy decides that out of ALL the decorative trees to sit under, he’ll be occupying the space under YOURS.

“You know this is a smoke free campus, right?” he deposits his book bag beside the trunk, looking at you like you just killed a man.

You arch an eyebrow, unsure whether to be irritated or curious, “You know I don’t actually care, right?”

“Great, because I don’t either,” he laughs at his own bad joke, taking a seat and stretching out his legs. You’ve got to admit (or I’ll force you to), he’s a little attractive with his bright smile, tanned skin, lean frame, and dark, feathery hair- but oh GOD is that a choker?

“Fantastic,” you smirk before taking a long drag and blowing the smoke right into his face, hating the burning, but loving the coughing fit your new companion bends into.

“Was that…really necessary?” he bats at the air, action so (possibly unintentionally) comical that it makes you laugh. The boy seems to take this as the go-ahead to continue, “You got a name?”

“Would you believe me if I said no?” you’re more amused than anything at this point, ego being stroked fervently by his insistence on finding everything you say hilarious. You want to believe your interactions are reluctant, but the smile on your face as you tell him your name says otherwise.

He extends his hand for a shake and you’re one hundred percent ready to accept the greeting until he says, “I’m Hoseok. Jung Hoseok.”

“Oh.”

You immediately retract, having skimmed the skin of his palm, watching him now with a look of disgust. His smile falls.

“Did I do something wrong?”

You stand, shoving your schedule into your bag so haphazardly that it audibly crumples, “Don’t think I haven’t heard your name before. I know what you are.”

“What I am…?”

You decide to not grace him with an answer, opting instead to walk away. But the persistent boy follows.

“Wait, what do you mean? I don’t understand.”

If your roommate hadn’t warned you about him, you might think Hoseok is actually upset by your leaving, rather than simply pining for attention. If your name is on that notorious list of his, you want absolutely nothing to do with him- a thought that I encourage enthusiastically.

You drop the cigarette, stomping on the smoldering end until satisfied, words gruff, “You don’t NEED to understand. Now, unless you have a pack of smokes that you want to share, we’re done here.”

*Elaboration: first impressions are not always correct and should not be used to judge the ENTIRETY of a person, but rather your impression of them should based in what they do to maintain a good image or repair a bad one.

Step 2) Keep an open mind**

By now, we’ve learned changing people is close to impossible and best case scenario, the only person you CAN change is yourself. Still- humor me for a second, we might consider the possibility that he’s not an ENTIRELY bad guy.

We’ve gone over the importance of compromise (see Volume 3) and have learned why baby steps are vital (see Volume 2). To help a converted fuckboy heal, first you must have a grasp on these two lessons. Then, apply the concept of “standing your ground” (see Volume 1) and slowly but surely, coming from a place of love, offer kindness, resources, and most importantly, a safety net.

A balmy breeze filters through the open window above you, cracked to ward off the stubborn smell of body odor that seems to linger in every corner of every dorm room you’ve inhabited, the kind that persists no matter how much Lysol or Febreze you use.

You keep telling yourself that someday, you’ll get used to it and won’t have to fight the urge to put on one of those medieval bird masks that shove posies up your nose.

And while you have not purchased said mask, someday still has yet to come.

Your thumb leisurely drags across the surface of your phone screen as your eyes fervently follow the words. Your muscles tighten in anticipation of the climax. Your fingers ball into a fist around a handful of sheets.

“THAT’S IT?” you whisper, frustrated, rolling over to bury your face in your pillow. “What the hell! Is she a lesbian or NOT? WHY doesn’t it say explicitly?”

You lift your face to look at the last qualification of the fourth step of the 5th Volume of your favorite satire, How to Change a Fuqboi. The ambiguity killed you, but I’m sure you ALSO understood that this was kind of the point and supposed to be part of the series’s charm.

Scrolling all the way back up to the top of the post, you decide that yes, you have time to finish Volume 6 before class starts as well- maybe even get a peek at the first step of Volume 7.

“Oh, back in a retail store are we?” you mumble to your phone screen, recalling the several other stories that abused this setting. “Are you just running out of ideas? Oh well, I think the change of pace is nice.”

Change of pace my left ass cheek.

“What I don’t understand is why you always assume we don’t listen,” you roll your eyes as you move on to Volume 7, skimming through the first step. “And what is this ‘protagonist doesn’t give a shit’ thing? How is she supposed to change Hoseok ‘with love’ or ‘compassion’ if she doesn’t interact with him?”

I just thought I’d shake up the characters a bit. There’s no need to scold me…

“Well,” you stand, pocketing your phone after glancing at the vague words of the second step of the 7th Volume, “That’s enough of you yelling at ME.”

Are you seriously challenging me right now? I’m the narrator, you can’t do that.

“Hell yeah I am. Just watch. I’ll show you who’s ‘not listening.’”

You exit the dorm, a bounce in your step and a smile on your face. Ah, but don’t forget, little bird, you have class in ten minutes.

“Well shit.”

Two hours and a surprisingly interesting lecture later, you weave your way through the Middle Earth apartments, searching for that head of dark, feathery hair.

Jung Hoseok had never approached you in the two years you’d gone to the school, meaning you probably weren’t on his list. This… is a little bit of a setback, namely because you’d have to spontaneously generate sexual interest, something you’re not all too familiar with, but you’ve never been one to give up easily.

You hear his bubbly laugh first, gaze honing in on the notorious fuckboy who appears to be all sunshine and smiles.

His companion seems the complete opposite, a pretty girl in a “sweatpants, oversized flannel, ‘I’d bite off your dick during a blowjob if you say the wrong thing’” kind of way. She takes a long drag on her cigarette, completely ignoring Hoseok as they walk.

“I can do this,” you assure yourself quietly, much to my amusement. “Just be brave and stand your ground. HOSEOK!”

Even at a distance, you can see him stiffen with surprise, looking around with confusion written on his expression. The girl takes this opportunity to disappear.

“Hoseok!” you call again, trotting forward until you stand at a respectable distance to introduce yourself.

The boy greets you with an ounce of skepticism, obviously unsure why you, a complete stranger, are randomly approaching him.

See, from the first volume, each pair has met by HAPPENSTANCE… at least as far as we know. Never have any of the protagonists first approached the fuckboy. By doing this, you’re asserting self-confidence and dominance, something that is often a turn off for them.

“I’ve heard a lot about you,” you give his hand a firm shake.

I’m telling you, confidence is NOT the way to-

“All good things I hope,” he laughs, running his fingers through his hair.

“Definitely. My friend was right. You ARE one of the cutest waiters on campus.”

Hoseok, now probably in familiar territory, visibly relaxes, “One of the cutest? Please, sweetheart, I’m THE cutest.”

There’s a gravitational, toxic sort of positivity in his presence, one that I’m sure every girl on his literal “to do” list has fallen for.

Anyway, you two sound like freshmen, flirting like that. He’s never going to-

“I’m assuming you’ve been to the restaurant then?”

You shift the weight of your books to your other arm, tugging at a strand of your hair shyly but not breaking eye contact, “Sadly, no. I’m very indecisive so going ANYWHERE I haven’t eaten before is… a little bit intimidating.”

Okay, I see what you’re doing. You’re giving him the option to offer to eat there and take charge of what to order. You’re playing up to his masculinity by letting him “be an expert” on the subject. Learning how to seduce fuckboys is NOT part of this series and I seriously doubt that you’ll hit all the marks necessary to-

“What? You haven’t?” his tone suggests that this is the single most astonishing thing he’s ever heard. “Well good thing I’ve got some free time then. You MUST let me treat you to lunch. It’s only the right thing to do.”

This is a trap. He’s trying to manipulate you to get you to spend more time with him by… wait. Never mind. YOU’RE the one who WANTS this to happen.

Whatever.

“Actually, I have class in a few minutes,” you bite your lip coyly, fibbing, playing hard to get. “But why don’t I give you my number and we could meet up sometime tonight?”

Hoseok sighs, pouting, but hands you his phone, “That’s too bad, I’m going to be working.”

“Then I’ll see you there and you can… recommend something,” you wink, earning a knowing smirk from him.

“Sounds good. I look forward to our little date.”

You say nothing else, turning on heel and shifting the weight of your books again as you stride away like you own the place.

Seriously, I can’t believe you just did that.

Do you even KNOW the trouble you’ve probably just gotten yourself into?

You go back to your dorm after turning a few unnecessary corners, making sure Hoseok isn’t following and as soon as the door closes, you plop down on your bed, opening the Tumblr app, skipping down to step three of Volume 7. You whisper, “Baby steps and compromise, huh? I can do that.”

**Clarification: By open mind, I STILL don’t mean “be a doormat.” Continue to stand your ground, just refrain from being judgmental.

Step 3) Remember a little thing called “follow through”

Because we are simply reverting and not converting, this process will be both easier and more difficult. It is typically in a convert’s original nature to be emotionally responsive and caring, so getting him to return to this is less demanding than teaching it from scratch. However, it might start opening up some old scars.

By now, we’ve also learned the significance of persistence (see Volume 4), the ability to discern between types of situations (see Volume 5), and more importantly, being able to see which fuckboys are worth changing (see Volume 6).

It is good to note that each case will be a little bit different, but some are more incompatible with change than others.

“Well, well, well! I didn’t think you’d actually show up,” Hoseok trots over with a thousand watt smile aimed directly at you, a lethal weapon.

“How could I not?” you giggle, picking up the menu, “We had a date after all.”

“Touché.” he laughs lightly, easily, “So, can I start you off with something to drink?”

You let him call the shots, ordering what he suggests without hesitance or an ounce of shame. You also make sure to eat slowly, meaning you’re still around when he goes on break, which he “conveniently” decides to spend with you.

However, YOU “conveniently” make yourself scarce just before his shift ends.

This playing around, TOYING with him, continues for a week, teases of interactions with genuine laughter and flirtatious glances in their wake. Nothing serious happens as you barely touch him beyond a purposeful brush of the hand or arm, a lingering touch on shoulders or knees…but then you happen to bump into him on a Friday night.

It’s pleasantly warm, a breeze caressing your cheeks, sending strands of your hair tickling across your skin. The lights around campus are just beginning to turn on, bathing the pathways in soft white.

You’re on your way back from the campus’s only pizza place- because let’s be real, the only date you’ve got is with Netflix- when you see the familiar dark head of feathery hair. You’re about to let the opportunity pass, tired of keeping up this “sexually confident” facade, but then he calls your name and it’s not like you can IGNORE him.

OH WAIT YOU TOTALLY CAN. But you don’t.

Hoseok nods goodbye to the girl who was entrapped in their conversation before he bounds over, “So, where are you going this late at night? Pretty girls shouldn’t be walking alone.”

This is where I MUST remind you of the checklist. Y’know, the one he keeps with all the names of the girls he wants to FUCK. That one?

“Look, Hoseok,” you sigh, pushing a few stray strands of hair out of your eyes, resting the pizza box against your hip. “You’re a funny, great guy and I love talking to you, but I had an exam today and I’m a little stressed out.”

Yes, good decision.

“Well let me help you… destress?” he quirks an eyebrow, lifting his hands, palms up in a suspended shrug. “You said it yourself, sweetheart. I’m funny. Humor lightens the mood, relaxes people.”

You let out an indecisive hum, biting your lip to bide your time. I’m sure you’re contemplating how much effort you actually want to put into proving me wrong, but-

“Okay, you have a point.”

ARE YOU KIDDING? Can you at least stop interrupting m-?

“Just Netflix, no chilling,” you warn teasingly.

Now you’re just being petty.

Hoseok gently takes the pizza box from you, “Why don’t you let ME do the heavy lifting? You just focus on leading the way.”

The two of you settle down on the bed in your room, comfortably lounging side by side as you start up your laptop and scroll through the list of recommended movies. I’d warn you that he was watching with a smirk the whole time, but I doubt you’d care.

Eventually, you agree on a comedy, but when you offer him a slice of pizza, you do the worst thing possible and bridge the gap to allow for interaction.

“So this ‘no chilling’ policy,” Hoseok asks before taking a bite, chewing to allow for a suspenseful, pregnant pause, “Does this mean no cuddling? Because, at least for me, that’s like a staple for movies.”

“Alright, I’ll allow it,” you shrug, scooting over until your arm is pressed against his, computer swaying haphazardly in your lap. “But hands to yourself.”

He gasps, placing his free hand over his heart, “I’m shocked you’d think so lowly of me.”

It takes all of twenty minutes for to you find yourself straddling Hoseok’s waist, his back pressed against the wall, his hands roaming between your shoulder blades.

Your lips mold to his and though he’s silently asked for entry twice, you’ve denied his tongue access. This will be on your terms, of course.

Your fingers travel up his shirt, skirting under the cloth easily and ghosting the firm muscles of his abdomen. Hoseok’s skin is peculiarly soft and you trace your hands across his chest, palms devouring every inch until you press and lightly drag your nails down the contours of his ribs.

He groans and you take the opportunity to slide your tongue past the seam of his lips. I bet you want him taste like something nice, mint maybe, but it’s likely both of you can’t get past the pizza.

Oh, sorry, am I ruining the moment? I’ll just… be over here. Keep doing your thing.

Breathless.

Hoseok’s fingers begin to wander, exploring under the loose fitting fabric of your shirt until he’s able to lift it off of your frame. You take the opportunity to return the favor, bearing his toned chest.

Both of you pause for a moment, kiss broken, searching the other’s expression for something, but you only find a playful glint in his eyes and a reassuring smile.

I wonder what he saw in you.

Your attention continues the downward motion, tracing his neck, caressing his chest, dropping down to the trail of fine hair that starts at his bellybutton and disappears into his jeans. Before he can follow your gaze, you grind your hips against his.

“Fuck,” is all he whispers- an eloquent response- a laugh lacing his undertones.

You hush him with a quick nip on his bottom lip, reminding him that your housemates are only a wall away. He nods, running his hands up your thighs. You grind down on him again.

Likely in an attempt to keep himself quiet, Hoseok attaches his lips to your neck, grazing his teeth and tongue along the soft skin under your jaw. His fingers find the straps of your bra, tugging them down before deftly unhooking the back clasp with a single snap.

And this noise, this small insignificant sound, causes you to stiffen.

Abruptly leaning forward, pulling him flush against you and wrapping your arms around him, you keep the cloth of your bra pressed to your chest, a barrier only held up by the embrace.

Hoseok immediately stops, concern in his tone, “You okay?”

“I’m sorry,” you whisper, burying your nose in the crook of his neck. “My last boyfriend didn’t… I can’t… I’m sorry. Just- not yet.”

What? Now you’re going to let him play the hero? Stroke his ego a bit more?

Hoseok carefully snaps the hooks of your bra back into place before wrapping his arms around you comfortingly, “No sweetheart, don’t worry. I understand.”

“You do?”

He does.

“Yeah,” he nods, “I… well something happened to me too.”

***Define: FOLLOW THROUGH (noun)- The continuing of an action or task to its conclusion

Step 4) …?

“Alright what are we watching today?” Hoseok hops onto your bed, setting down the pizza box to clap his hands.

“You pick, I think I might just nap.”

“Sweetheart, you promised you’d stay up this time,” he whines humorously, pushing out his lower lip. “Did you lie to me?”

“Never,” you admonish, joining him on the mattress to lean your back against the wall, “I’m just really tired.”

“You’re always really tired.”

You laugh. “I know.”

It had been five weeks since that little escapade in your dorm room, but for some reason, it did nothing to hinder your “friendship” with Hoseok. In fact, Friday night “Netflix sans chill” had become a weekly occurrence. Neither of you attempted to resume the…promiscuous activities.

I’ll admit, I’m a little impressed. BUT JUST A LITTLE AND YOU CAN’T QUOTE ME ON THAT OKAY?

You fall asleep halfway through the movie with your head on Hoseok’s shoulder, but he doesn’t wake you until half past midnight, and it’s only because he needs to head home. With a sleepy hug goodbye and a few more jokes for the road, you assure him that you WILL, in fact, be stopping by his dorm room tomorrow to help him study for that calculus test coming up (even though he probably doesn’t need it).

You close the door, a smile playing on your lips, voice quiet as you say, “He’s changing, y’know.”

Right. Changing. You didn’t even read the last step.

All you’ve done is befriend him and bond over heartbreak that, quite frankly, MIGHT NOT HAVE EVEN HAPPENED TO YOU. At this point, I don’t whether or not you lied to him. AND I’M THE NARRATOR.

“Wasn’t that a Volume Five thing?”

Yes, but does reader want to see the exact same trope played out a SECOND ti-?

“What’s this?” you interrupt my thoroughly delightful and inspiring rant, walking over to the wastebasket at the foot of your bed.

You’d emptied it yesterday and you hadn’t thrown anything away before Hoseok arrived. But now a crumpled piece of paper sits, harmless, at the bottom.

Obviously, Hoseok threw it away and you don’t want to pry, but from what you CAN see, it looks like some sort of list.

✩✩✩♔✩✩✩

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