#I think I could take em. dennys parking lot I could take em both in a fight

[area51-escapee]

Youtubers you have beef with less because of their problematic content (although the content is very problematic) and more because they’re just so fucking annoying

[sholiofic]

(can't send you an ask from my sideblog) I would love something where Sam and Bucky both have nightmares, like, both noticing it with the other (Gen, if that's okay) and whatever angst and/or comfort that entails. Totally fine if the prompt wont be filled tho :) Like your writing, sending good vibes! - anxiouswhumpyescapism

Also on AO3: Mediocre Waffles

--

When Bucky wakes up to a muffled yell, he's halfway out of bed and reaching for the gun tucked between the bedframe and the thin hotel mattress before he grasps that the only person in the room is Sam, the only person making noise is Sam, and Sam is tangled in scratchy motel bedsheets and definitely not being attacked by HYDRA or enemy agents crashing through the neon glow of the windows or anything else.

Sam sits up and they look at each other for a minute by the hazy neon light, and then Sam muzzily grumbles, "Fuck," and gets up and goes off to the bathroom.

Bucky flops back down on the thin, scratchy pillow in the slightly too-hot bed. There's the sound of splashing water from the bathroom; the light flicks on and off. Sam comes back out and rattles around a little, and then the door leading out to the motel stairs opens and closes.

Bucky lies there for a moment or two, then sighs and rolls his legs off the bed. He is, as usual on the road, sleeping in a T-shirt and jeans in case he has to get up in a hurry. He follows Sam outside.

It's a two-story roadside motel with an upstairs balcony, stairs leading down to street level and a row of cars in the parking lot. Sam is leaning on the railing. The acrid smell of cigarette smoke hits Bucky's hindbrain like a direct punch to the memories, the way smell sometimes can.

"I didn't even know people smoked these days," he says, and Sam looks around with a faint smile.

"Only sometimes," he says, and holds out the pack of cigarettes. "Bad habit from my military days. Did they really smoke all the time in the '40s?"

"Only when we could afford 'em." Bucky takes one and holds it between his fingers rather than asking for a light. He doesn't know whether it's the serum or that entire hazy seventy-plus years of his life, but he doesn't actually want them, these days. But holding it is familiar. Comfortable.

"You should go back to bed," Sam says. "Long day tomorrow." He's just holding his cigarette, too, though smoke curls up from the tip. It's mostly unsmoked. Like an echo of a time gone by, the same way it is for Bucky.

"I know," Bucky says. He transfers the cigarette to his metal hand and rubs his eyes with his fingertips. "You okay?"

"Yeah," Sam says, and then, with a short laugh, "Not really. Didn't mean to wake you up."

"I know." Bucky runs his fingertips lightly over the splintery, badly painted wood of the railing. Somehow it's occasionally comforting, or at least satisfying, to find things that are broken and badly repaired in the future. He says in a careful tone, "Turnabout is fair play. I wake you up sometimes?"

"Sometimes," Sam says neutrally.

Bucky was actually sort of hoping the answer would be no, but he was afraid it wouldn't be. He makes a neutral, acknowledging sound.

"You're pretty quiet," Sam says.

"Mmmm." He hadn't realized the habit of not screaming was that ingrained. Well, it explained why the neighbors back in his thin-walled New York apartment hadn't complained.

"I didn't ask any questions because I figured it was your thing to talk about."

"Mmm-hmm."

Sam glances back at the half-open door of their apartment and then he stubs out the cigarette, mostly unsmoked, on the railing. "You know what? It's gonna be dawn soon. What say we both put on some clothes—"

"I'm wearing pants," Bucky says with a judging look at Sam's boxers.

"—shut up, and find an all-night diner. I don't know about you, but I could really use a shitty 3 a.m. omelet right now."

"We're not exactly in a metropolis," Bucky says, casting a glance across the horizon of roofs and water towers before he follows Sam back into their room. "I don't know how many all-night diners there are at a freeway exit in Indiana."

"Every freeway exit has a Denny's or a Waffle House. It's a law."

It is in fact a Waffle House, and they take a corner booth and order breakfast food. Bucky rests his chin on his metal fist.

"You could actually be sleeping, you know," Sam says, sounding faintly guilty.

"Not really." He wouldn't fall back asleep after an adrenaline jolt like that, but he doesn't want Sam to feel bad about it. "You want to talk about it?" he asks after a moment.

"Fuck no. You?" Sam asks, in something that is less sympathy and more a kind of parrying response.

"No."

The waitress comes by with a warm-up on their coffee. After she's gone, Sam says, "You know, if you ever get the urge—you know, insomnia being what it is, to go out and get mediocre waffles at two in the morning—"

"You don't mind if I do? Thanks, Sam."

"I'll go with you," Sam says, glaring at him. "Asshole. Just give me a kick or something."

And Bucky doesn't say anything for a moment, because he's thinking of nights lying awake in motels like the one they just came from, staring at the slow cycling of the neon sign outside the window and waiting for dawn, trying not to wake up Sam.

Except Sam is way too perceptive not to be aware of at least some of that.

He's not used to people getting him. That, more than anything else, is what makes him draw a quick, shaking breath, and wish he had something to do with his hands. Luckily he still has the unlit cigarette from the balcony, and he just holds it, moves it between his fingers.

"No smoking in here," the waitress says, coming by, in a "what kind of idiot ARE you actually" sort of tone.

Sam laughs at the look on Bucky's face. "World's changed a little bit, huh?"

"You don't know the half of it," and before he knows it, they're swapping stories of late-night diners in Brooklyn and cheap breakfast cafés in Delacroix, and Sam is laughing and Bucky is feeling the tension in his shoulders unwind and thinks Sam might be feeling the same way.

Maybe he will wake Sam up next time, after all. He thinks Sam really wouldn't mind.

[ceilingfan5]

Ballet au/road trip au for taakitz??

thanks again to @desiree-harding-fic for the ballet

part one

Funny thing...turns out Kravitz the Ballet Robot has feelings. It’s a hell of a job, and it would overwhelm anyone, but Taako gets the pressure of being the lead, not to mention the mental and physical strain of it all, double digit hours a day, six days a week. Kravitz has a hard time talking about it as they walk to Taako’s shitty car, but Taako gets the gist--he’s headed to breakdown city, population growing.

“Don’t you have friends you could talk to about this?” Taako asks. Kravitz is unbearably silent. “Yikes. Okay, shit. Damn, no wonder you’re falling apart. What, uh, what set you off tonight?” 

“I stepped on my ankle wrong and I thought my career was going to be over.” 

“That’d, uh, yeah, that’d do it.” They’re still sitting in the parking lot, Taako struggling not to yawn, Kravitz struggling not to cry. Taako’s plied him with fast food napkins he’d stashed in the console and he’s feeling pretty damn vindicated that he’s stolen so many over the years. He looks at Kravitz’s sad puppydog face and sighs. “Fuck, dude, can you take a day? Hang out, sleep, do some hobbies or whatever?”

“I couldn’t!” 

“Literally why not?”

“Taako, you know why not. They need me. I can’t let them down. It’s so competitive. And if I take a day, someone could replace me for good.” As he lists reasons, Taako watches Kravitz’s shoulders go up and up and up until Kravitz looks so tense and awkward he’s afraid his spine is gonna snap. 

“Listen, like, not that that isn’t a valid fear, or whatever, but if you explode on stage and all of your squishy bits end up in ballerina hair, you’re gonna be replaced too. You gotta take a mental health day, man, or one is going to take you out.” He puts his hands on Kravitz’s shoulder and forces them down, and Kravitz, though it’s quite clearly a strain, obediently relaxes them. “Call in and sleep most of tomorrow. Say you’re sick.”

“I just- Taako, I can’t!” His shoulders pop back up like a kid holding a beachball under water until it smacks him in the face. 

“Can you go back in there right now, genius?”

“I- I- Well-” Kravitz’s eyes kind of glaze over like he’s seen the creature that lives behind the Denny’s, and Taako shakes his head. “You’re a mess, dude. You’re going to take a break. In fact, let’s both take a break. Let’s...” Taako tappity-taps a drum solo on the steering wheel, sucking air in through his teeth. “Let’s go...on a road trip.”

“What???” Kravitz looks at him like he’s suggested they stab each other in the parking lot for fun and profit. “We couldn’t possibly--” 

“I mean, I find people can do all kinds of dumb bullshit with enough confidence.” A grin is slowly taking over Taako’s face. “Don’t you ever drive home and ache to turn the wrong way and just keep driving? Let’s fucking go.”

“Right now?” Kravitz’s voice keeps getting higher and higher. “You want us to leave town right NOW??” “Yeah, right now, why not! We have our duffels, got a change of clothes, I have a full tank of gas. Let’s get the hell out of dodge.” 

Kravitz sits in the passenger seat, more stunned than if he’d taken a cast-iron pan to the skull bones. 

“Could we...do that?”

“Yeah! I mean, I have money, you have money, we can get toothbrushes at whatever hotel we stop at. What’s stopping us?”

“My mom,” Kravitz answers honestly. Taako shrugs. 

“My sister will kill me and her husband will hide my limb body, but fuck ‘em, right? They don’t get it.”

“How could she! She quit! She left us!” Us, he says. Taako forgot that Kravitz and Lup used to be dance partners. He’s starting to buy into Kravitz’s storm of emotions, and the wind is whipping shit around in his brain.

“Yeah! Fuck her, honestly! Like, I love her, but fuck her for leaving! Fuck her dumb science career! Nothing’s been the same without her! This- Kravitz, this job is so fucking hard? And for what? Like, what are we getting out of it, besides all of our goddamn joints disintegrating?”  

“We could just...drive...We could, Taako, we could QUIT, we could just leave and not come back! We- who needs me? I’m- I’m getting out of that place, I can’t go back- We can just drive and drive and drive and not look back!!“ 

“We’re gonna. You and me, we’re getting out of here. To hell with the consequences, right?” Taako starts the car and pulls out of the parking lot before Kravitz can do any more objecting. Kravitz watches the company building get smaller and smaller in the mirrors, tongue tied, until they leave the city, and then a little smile begins to grow on his face, and then it starts to bloom, until he’s laughing, a little hysterical and a lot relieved. Taako joins in, and suddenly it’s loud and wild and dangerous and they’re united in this bizarre breakdown, tied together and shoving themselves off the cliff. 

“We’re doing it,” he whispers, face pressed to the window. “We’re really doing it! Where- Taako, where are we even going??” His eyes are blown and wide, the euphoria smacking him in the face so hard his nose might start to bleed.

“Away,” Taako says. “As far away as we can get. I’m not stopping  for the night until we have to get gas. You, me, we’re setting out into that wild blue yonder, and we’re, Kravitz, we’re gonna get so many ugly souvenir t-shirts. I swear this to you.”

“Thank you, Taako. Honestly. I...I don’t get why you’re doing this to me. I kind of thought you hated me? I think a lot of people hate me at the company. I don’t- I don’t know how to fix it, I- It’s so hard-” Kravitz’s eyes swim again, and Taako punches him in the side. 

“So what if I do? An opportunity like this doesn’t present itself very often. A genius like me has to take them as they come, even if they’re with uptight assholes who dance like angels.”

“I don’t know whether to be offended or not.” 

“Be thankful, stupid. I’m taking you to, uh, to...Hm.” He scans the next road sign. “How about the Grand Canyon?” 

“The- Are you serious?” 

“Yeah, I’m fucking serious. We’re gonna go on a relaxing tour of American horseshit. We’re gonna see the ocean. And I’m serious about those ugly t-shirts.” He laughs again, sharp and piercing, and it almost hurts his throat. He doesn’t care. He doesn’t care a bit. So what if they never come back? It’s fine. Things are fine! Everything is going to be fine. And if it’s not fine, oh well!

“Lead the way,” Kravitz mumbles, mystified and still smiling, somehow. “I’m leaving...” His voice is soft, but the words are heavy with feeling. “Take that!” 

Taako turns on the radio so they don’t have to keep talking, because if he has to listen to Kravitz cry anymore, he’s going to gain some sympathy for the motherfucker, and he simply cannot allow that. This is a platonic work trip. There will be no liking involved. Never in a million years.

[yepiamthesmileyface]

Just Friends(?)

[Image description: screenshot of an ask sent by @nemesis-is-my-middle-name​ reading “38 - Everyone thinks we’re already dating, but we’re just best friends- oh wait? (if ur taking prompts idk)” end image description]

Read it on AO3 here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28347906

Going to a Denny’s after a case was always a gamble. On one hand, there was hot, cheap junk food at whatever ungodly time they wrapped up their investigation; but on the other, sometimes the Denny’s had specimens like this. Vivi sighed, shoving a huge bite of her pancakes in her mouth and trying to tune out the ravings of the old white man who had stormed up to their booth — at three in the morning, mind you — and started screeching about how you should be ashamed of yourselves, displaying such perversions in public!! and three people living in sin!!

Normally, Vivi would have at least been making snarky comments, if not actually challenging him to a fight for insulting her and her boys like that, but...she was tucked comfortably under Lewis’s arm, the hand that wasn’t holding her fork reached across and resting on Arthur’s thigh. Also, it was literally three in the morning, she was covered in mud and slime from chasing a giant frog-creature around in a nearby river, and she had been awake for twenty-one consecutive hours. She took another bite. The pancakes tasted extra good for the exhaustion and ache sunk into her bones, strawberry topping and whipped cream and thick fluffy pancakes and maple syrup...it was almost enough to get her to forget about the man shrieking at them. She glanced back over at him, idly noting that his face was turning an interesting shade of puce.

The waiter walked back over with the same jaded, unfazed look he wore when the three of them had staggered into the Denny’s, soaked to the bone and absolutely covered in muck. He folded his arms and stared at the old man. “Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to leave. You’re disturbing the other guests.” The old man turned to look at the waiter, puffing up not unlike the giant frog the Mystery Skulls had captured and returned to its actual habitat not half an hour ago, and rapidly deflating as he took in the completely impassive, almost dead-eyed stare of the late-night Denny’s waiter. He hurried out of the building, spitting one last insult about how they were all going to hell for living in sin. Given that he had used that particular phrase about nineteen times, it had kind of lost its fire, as far as Vivi was concerned.

Vivi felt some of the tension drain out of Lewis, and she turned her head, looking over at her boys. Lewis looked relieved and tired, catching her eye and smiling at her, soft and warm and completely unguarded. There was a streak of mud high on his cheek, almost matting in his no-longer-pristine hair. She smiled back, the expression billowing up like a balloon on a current of love, and reached up to wipe the smear away. Lewis leaned into her touch, and she cupped his cheek for a moment before wiping her hand on her skirt and leaning forward a little to peer around Lewis’s chest in order to check on Arthur. In contrast, Arthur looked like a live wire of tension, like he would either shatter or vault over the table and sprint away if anything else happened. Her smile dropped.

The waiter turned to them, ready with a scripted apology that actually carried a note of sincerity that Lewis quickly waved off. As he took care of talking to the waiter, Vivi leaned across him, patting Arthur’s leg quickly to get his attention. 

Arthur jumped, nearly hitting his knees on the table. Vivi felt a little guilty, but quickly pushed through. “Hey. It’s alright. He’s gone.”

Arthur met her gaze, eyes wide and grin forced. His hair hung limp around his face, framing him beautifully in dark gold. “Y-yeah. Plus — plu-plus, h-he — was, wasn’t even may-making any, any, any se-sen-se.”

She bit her lip. If his stutter was coming out that strong, he was either much more anxious or much more tired than she thought. Probably a combination of both. Pulling up a warm, playful grin from the depths of her chilled bones, she said, “Yeah. I mean, his argument was both really painfully dumb and also really Christian-centric! I mean, hello, not everyone is Christian, I’m definitely not, so, like…”

Arthur continued on like he hadn’t even heard her, leg starting to bounce under the hand she just realized she never moved. “I me-mean, I mean, he — h-he — we, we’re — I mean, we’re jus-just, just friends. Wh— I do-don’t kno— I dunno why h-he tho-thougth we we-were —”

Vivi felt Lewis freeze under her, and she wasn’t far behind. She felt breathless, like she had been punched in the gut, like he had slapped her in the face instead of saying those three little words bouncing around her head. We’re just friends?! “Wait. Wait, what?!” The words came out closer to a whine than she would have liked them to, but she was too stunned to really care.

At the same time, Lewis gasped like he had been shot. “You’re — are you breaking up with us?!” He sounded like he was two seconds away from bursting into loud sobs in the middle of this Denny’s.

Arthur’s mouth dropped open, and he stared at them with eyes the size of dinner plates. A stunned silence fell over their booth, broken only by the wavering sound of Lewis’s breathing.

Before any more drama could happen, Vivi held up her hand, forcing the words out past the cold spot that had taken up residence between her lungs. “No. Nuh-uh. Arthur, one word answer, and we’ll talk about this all when it’s tomorrow. Are you breaking up with us?”

Arthur opened and closed his mouth a few times before volunteering a tentative, “N-no…?”

Her shoulders slumped as she let out an explosive sigh. “Alright. Let’s — tomorrow? Tomorrow, when we’re not all so tired, we’re gonna talk about this, yes?”

Arthur nodded slowly, still boggling at them for some reason. Vivi was too tired to puzzle his behavior over properly, so she just glanced up at Lewis, who also nodded, unwinding his arm from around her to wipe at his face.

The rest of the night seemed to pass in snapshots to Vivi’s tired mind. Their dinner being boxed up. Walking back to the motel, just across the parking lot. Patting Mystery on the head and telling him he’s a good boy yes he is. Collapsing face first into the delicious crisp coolness of the starched motel bed. Lewis’s deep, tired chuckle as he took her glasses off her face. The weight of another body next to hers, but not the two she had become accustomed to after countless nights on the futon in the van. 

The next morning, she woke up slowly to the smell of coffee, and made to roll over so she could sit up. Instead, the world plummeted around her as she rolled right off the bed with a sharp, panicked yelp, caught in a devious trap of tangled blankets and sheets. A soft, almost stifled snort came from her left, and a pair of hands reached into the gordian knot of fabric, deftly untangling her. She squinted up at the blur of color and fuzz, the pale yellow-orange blur instantly recognizable as Arthur.

Vivi huffed, knowing full well he was smirking at her, the bastard. “Oh, like you’ve never rolled off the bed before.” She flailed her hand towards the bedside table, groping around blindly and not finding her quarry. “Where the hell’re —” A yawn interrupted her, wide enough to make her jaw crack. 

The Arthur-blur disappeared for a second, and when he came back, he slipped her glasses into her hands, his hands nice and warm where they made contact with hers. “Lew had ‘em over on his side of the bed for some reason.”

She slipped her glasses on, and the world came into rose-tinted focus. “Thanks, Artie.” She looked around the motel room, noting a distinct lack of giant purple-headed fops and talking dogs, and frowned. “Speaking of, where is he?”

“He’s grabbing all our meds from the van, I think. At least, I’m hoping he’s grabbing all of ours, he just said he’d get the meds, but I didn’t —” Arthur cut himself off with a swig from his travel mug. “Oh, and Mystery took himself out for a walk a couple’a minutes ago.”

Vivi laughed. “He’s probably definitely grabbing all of our meds. Did he make coffee, or did you?”

“It’s from the breakfast buffet, actually. Burnt, but not horrible. Better than that place in Staccatto, anyway,” Arthur shrugged, walking over to sprawl on the couch. “I grabbed you a cup, too, don’t worry.”

“The mud we were wading around in yesterday woulda been better coffee than that place in Staccatto,” Vivi grumbled, picking herself up and making a beeline for the coffee. “I’m pretty sure it was dirt. At least fifty percent dirt.” Leaning against the wall as she drank, she picked at the feeling that she was forgetting something. Something important, not just the fact that she forgot to shower last night and as such was still covered in itchy, flaky mud and sweat and her socks were sagging down without fresh sock glue — she shook her head to clear it. She was forgetting something important, something that had happened the night before. The case had gone well, they were paid half upfront and they would get the other half later that day, Lewis was getting their meds, breakfast was either the buffet or leftovers...leftovers. Wait. Her eyes widened as the whole Denny’s escapade came back to her in a flash. The bigoted old man who had practically burst a vein yelling at them, Arthur’s comment about them being just friends — but he wasn’t breaking up with them, apparently???

Downing the rest of the coffee in one gulp, she glanced towards the door, then back to Arthur. She should wait, Vivi told herself sternly. She should wait for Lewis, because Lewis was an important part of their relationship, and he should not be left out of serious relationship discussions.

Luckily, she was saved from the antsy feeling creeping around under her shoulder blades by the sound of the door opening. Lewis ducked in, a tote bag bearing the logo of a kitschy tourist trap in his hand. He beamed as he noticed her, walking up and giving her a good morning kiss.

Vivi laughed, putting a hand on his chest and pushing him away lightly. “Lew, I haven’t even brushed my teeth yet! No morning breath kisses, we all agreed those were the worst.”

Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Arthur start, but Lewis just laughed, walking over to the table and setting the bag down on it. He started to unpack, first his own rainbow pill caddy, then Vivi’s cylindrical one, and finally Arthur’s loose assortment of orange bottles. “Fine, fine. Meds, everybody, come and get it.”

Once they had all taken their various medications, and Arthur had been chided into using his coffee to take his meds instead of taking them dry, Vivi took a deep breath. “Okay. Boys, I think we need to have a serious conversation now.” Arthur stiffened, and his eyes darted towards the windows. Vivi immediately strode forward, sitting down on the couch next to him. “I will sit on you if I have to, Artie,” she warned him, only half joking.

Arthur sighed and slumped against the couch, covering his face with his hands. His ears were cherry-red, and Vivi couldn’t help but find it cute.

Despite the cuteness, she shared a worried glance with Lewis as he settled down on the bed across from the couch. Lewis shook his head, a worried frown pulling at his face. She took another deep, grounding breath, setting her shoulders and sitting up straight before she looked at Arthur. “Okay. Arthur. What was that last night? You — you said we were just friends,” and those words still stung like a winter wind, “But then you say you’re not breaking up with us?”

It came out a touch more accusatory than she wanted it to, and Lewis took over with a gentle, “We’re not mad, Arthur. Not disappointed, either, but — if you don’t want us to even say we’re dating when we’re in public, I wish you’d told us earlier. It’s okay if you don’t! It really is, I get it, but…”

Arthur went impossibly redder, and curled in on himself, drawing his knees up towards his chest. “I dndwrdn…” he whined, muffled by his hands.

“I didn’t catch that, sorry,” Vivi said, wrapping her hands lightly around his wrists and tugging gently, trying to get him to lower them. 

Arthur took a deep breath, dropped his hands, and half yelled, “I didn’t know we were dating!!!” As soon as the words were out of his mouth, his hands shot back up so fast he practically slapped himself in the face.

Vivi sat back, stunned. He...didn’t know? How could he possibly not know?!

“I — I, I, you — you never asked!” Arthur yelped.

Oh, she had said that out loud. “What do you — Arthur, we asked you out two months ago!”

Lewis raised his hands in a T, using the same tone he used on his sisters when they were getting too rowdy. “Okay, you two, time out!”

They both fell silent, turning to face Lewis.

Lewis tilted his head, looking at their boyfriend. Who...apparently didn’t know that he was their boyfriend. “Arthur...do you really not remember? We asked you out when we were back home, almost two months ago.”

“Okay, yes, it was a month, four weeks, and five days, not two months, but I don’t think semantic arguments are gonna be a big help here, babe,” Vivi grumbled.

Arthur shook his head wordlessly, still hiding his cherry-red face.

A month, four weeks, five days, and a handful of hours ago…

“It honestly feels so weird not living out of the van, doesn’t it?” Vivi mused, taking a bite of pizza.

“It really does. I’d completely forgotten what it was like to be woken up in the morning by forty pounds of overenthusiastic child launched directly at my sternum,” Lewis laughed, rubbing at his chest.

“Lew, we’ve only been road tripping for three months. That’s a bit quick, big guy,” Arthur snickered, pausing to shove half a slice of his weird oyster pizza in his mouth.

“It was so nice, though! The most I had to deal with while living with y’all is your pointy elbows!” Lewis leaned over and mussed Arthur’s hair. A laugh bubbled out of Arthur as he batted at Lewis’s hand futilely, trying to save his cone of hair gel. Laughing, Lewis subsided, pulling back. “But, yeah, I woke up this morning with a Cayenne-shaped bruise right on my sternum.”

Vivi winced sympathetically, shaking her head. “Ouch. Did she mean to?”

“Nah. Just excited.” Lewis’s smile turned fond. “They missed me. Demanded souvenirs and made me sit down and be their personal giant teddy bear as they watched Moana for the eighth time. Then Paprika gave me about twenty bead bracelets. When y’all come to the Paradiso, she’s got your piles waiting.”

“She’s still doing bead bracelets?” Vivi asked, a note of excitement in her voice. The last time they had all gotten bead bracelets from Paprika, it was right after the Peppers had explained what transgender meant, and the three of them had all gotten a bead bracelet with the word transgender wildly misspelled, the pink, white, and blue of the flag slapped randomly on there. It was the best piece of jewelry she owned — hers said “trasgenner”, Arthur’s said “trainsgandr”, and Lewis’s said “trasgeneer”. Paprika had been very determined to do it on her own, and had just gone with her best guess on each one.

“Yep! She’s got one for both of you that has your favorite animal as a charm,” Lewis revealed, grinning.

“Perfect!” Vivi did a very restrained fist pump.

Arthur hummed, staring at the pizza boxes on the table. It was almost a full twenty seconds before he grabbed another slice. “That actually sounds really nice. Both the, the bracelets and the personal teddy bear Moana thing.”

“Honestly, it wasn’t bad at all.”

Silence descended on their table, comfortable and companionable. Vivi shut her pizza box, setting her elbows on the table and propping her head on her hands, studying the two in front of her. Butterflies were building in her stomach — they were just both so beautiful, the warm noonday sunlight making both her boys glow in different ways. Arthur looked like he was wreathed in gold, his hair and eyes shining the same color as the sunlight. On the other hand, the warm light brought out the full richness of Lewis’s skin tone and made his hair gleam like the satin of his ascot, as well as glinting off his sparkly magenta nail polish. She made eye contact with Lewis, jerking her chin towards Arthur and wiggling her eyebrows.

Lewis blushed, glancing at Arthur nervously. Arthur, completely oblivious, simply leaned back in his chair, eyes drifting closed. He didn’t look tired, or, at least, not drop dead exhausted, just relaxed, happy, and full, so Vivi took a deep breath, squaring her shoulders.

“So, Artie...there’s something we’ve been meaning to ask you.”

Arthur opened his eyes, meeting her gaze curiously. There was no undercurrent of nervousness in his eyes, and Vivi was warmed to the core by his trust in them — she had asked an extremely open-ended question. “Huh? What’s up?”

Lewis cleared his throat. “We want to ask you if...Arthur, would you like to go out with us?”

“I thought that’s what we’re already doing right now…?” Arthur looked adorably confused, brow furrowed as he looked between them. 

Vivi shook her head. “No, like, as a date. Will you go on a date with us, and-or be our boyfriend?”

Arthur sat very still for a long moment (she wasn’t even sure he was breathing) before a grin unfolded across his face, as resplendent as the sun itself. “Yeah. I’d — I’d really love that. I — yeah. Yeah, I’ll go out with you and be your boyfriend.”

“Oh, perfect!” Vivi squealed, barely restraining herself from launching across the table and kissing him until he was more lipstick-mark than man. “When works best for you? Should we go somewhere in town, or wait til we’re on the road again? There’s this sushi place in Tremolo that I’ve just been dying to try, we should go there, if we’re waiting til we’re on the road again. Or just in general, it seems really good and I haven’t had good sushi in ages.”

Arthur tilted his head, clearly considering her words. His smile took on a wistful edge. “...y’know...I don’t really need all the fancy date stuff. Just...I’m happy to do what we’ve been doing, just...together. Having you guys be — being with you guys, romantically — that...that would be enough for me,” he said softly.

Lewis grinned over at him, soft and sappy, and opened his mouth. Before he could say anything, his phone rang in his pocket, and he pulled it out, grimacing a little as he checked the caller ID. “It’s Papá. Hold on, I gotta take this.” He stood up, stepping a bit away. Not a minute later, he stepped back, regretful smile firmly in place. “...sorry, guys. I’m needed back at the Paradiso for free childcare,” he joked.

“Aww…” Vivi was really only half disappointed. They had pretty much finished up lunch, only a few slices left between the three of them (none of them hers), and she had a shift at the Tome Tomb coming up soon, anyway. And, more importantly, they had asked Arthur out and he said yes! Their couple was now officially a polycule!

Arthur rubbed the back of his neck. “I can — give you a ride. I gotta get back to Uncle Lance’s place anyway, I’m...” he trailed off, and Vivi waited maybe ten seconds for him to finish his sentence before accepting that he had lost his train of thought.

“Well, then...the Tome Tomb ain’t far, I can walk. I guess this is the end of our first date,” Vivi sighed. She stood up, standing on her tiptoes and pulling Lewis down for a chaste kiss before walking over and pressing a kiss to Arthur’s stubble-roughened cheek — familiar territory that should have been safe enough, she did that in the post-case exhilaration at least half the time. 

Arthur blushed bright red anyway, and she left with a bright laugh, walking on clouds with the universe held in her hands.

A month, four weeks, five days, and a handful of hours after that…

Arthur groaned, running a hand through his hair. “Really?! I — guys, I had been awake for, like, two solid days at that point!”

“So you — you don’t remember us asking you out at all?” Lewis asked, shocked. 

“No! Or — well — ki-kinda? I — kinda thought I was dreaming…” Arthur trailed off into muttering, fidgeting with his bracelets and not making eye contact.

Vivi paused for a moment, eyebrows creeping up. “Wow. Way to inflate our egos, there, Artie,” she joked. 

“Wh— how am I inflating your ego?!” Arthur jerked his head up to look at her.

“We asked you out and you literally thought you were dreaming. We’re literally your dream partners!” She cackled.

Instead of laughing, Arthur rubbed the back of his neck, looking down, his words spilling out in a jumble. “Um. Y-yeah, actually...I — didn’t think it was — I, I mean, I’d, um I’d had dreams...like that...before. And...uh. Since then if I’m being honest.”

Vivi felt a blush rising in her cheeks, and she covered her mouth. 

“That’s...that’s incredibly sweet, Artie…” Lewis managed, blushing harder than she was. 

Vivi cleared her throat. “Sap,” she managed, shaking her head fondly.

Arthur took a deep, shaky breath. “So, um. Can...can we start over? On dating? I do — I really, really do want to date you guys, for real, I just...didn’t...know?”

“Of course!” Vivi and Lewis exclaimed in accidental unison.

“And this time you’ve definitely slept enough to be lucid,” Lewis added on lightheartedly. “You were snoring before I fell asleep.”

“Well…” Arthur smiled, lopsided. “I’m pretty sure I am, anyway. Lucid, that is — and how could you hear me snoring over Vivi’s, anyway? But, uh —”

“— Hey!” Vivi interrupted. “I don’t snore that loud!”

“You sound like a train, Vivs,” Arthur teased, before clearing his throat. “But, uh. Anyway. Wanna...wanna pinch me so I’m sure I’m not dreaming this time?”

Vivi smirked at him. “I’ll do you one better, actually.” 

Before he could respond, Vivi leaned over, pressing a kiss to his lips. It took him a moment to react, startled, but he hesitantly started to kiss back after a second or two. There weren’t any fireworks, at least for her; if anything, it felt like being electrocuted, but in a good way, sparks shooting through her whole body, curling her toes and making her fingertips tingle. Arthur’s hand came up to grip at her sweater. Vivi kept the kiss chaste, and pulled back after a moment, glancing at Lewis.

Lewis pouted at her, a smile tugging at his lips and his voice. “Aww, I wanted to kiss him first, you got to do it at the restaurant.”

Arthur licked his lips, breath coming out a little funny, and swallowed hard before he got up and stepped towards Lewis, grinning crookedly. “W-well...consolation prize?”

Lewis let out a bark of laughter, startling Arthur into jumping a little, and pulled Arthur close with a gentle hand. “I can live with that,” he murmured, leaning in to kiss him. 

Vivi settled back, watching her boys kiss from the lumpy motel couch. It felt like coming home, like kicking off her shoes and shedding her stress as easily as taking off her scarf. She ran her tongue over her teeth absentmindedly, and grimaced. “Whoops. Sorry, Artie, didn’t mean for our first kiss to be a morning breath kiss.”

Arthur broke away from the kiss he was sharing with Lewis to blink at her, swaying a little bit. “...huh?” he managed, brain visibly rebooting. “Oh! Uh. It’s okay, I don’t think I...noticed?”

“Still, it’s the principle of the matter,” Vivi wrinkled her nose, standing up. “I’ll be right back, you two keep doing what you’re doing.” She tossed in a wink for good measure, and made her way to the bathroom with the accompaniment of Arthur’s flustered squeak and Lewis’s deep, rich laughter.

[obxparadise]

Cop Car

JJ Maybank x Reader 

Word count: 1,354

~A fic based on the song Cop Car by Keith Urban/Sam Hunt~ 

A/N: If you like this, leave a comment! 

*GIF is not mine. Credit goes to the owner*

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Man, they weren't playin They sure put those cuffs on quick You tried to sweet talk 'em They didn't fall for it, but I did

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Regret was the only word that wasn’t apart of JJ’s vocabulary. Whatever he did, he did with purpose. With reason. With pride. And he never regretted a damn thing, even after some Kook had called the cops on him for pulling a gun on Topper at the Boneyard.

JJ didn’t even have the chance to run as he’d been surrounded by three different police vehicles. Trying to fight law enforcement wasn’t the brightest idea either, as he now was sporting a busted lip, bruised ribs, and a torn white shirt.

In the back of the cop car, JJ sat with his head against the driver’s seat headrest, his blonde hair sticking out in every which way. The cops had done a number on him, and every time the car drove over a bump in the road, the pain in JJ’s ribs would start up again. Biting his lip, he tried to redirect his thoughts away from the pain.

“Where’d you get the gun, son?” asked Officer Shoupe. Chuckling softly to himself, JJ shook his head. There was no way in hell he would open his mouth. The cops in the OBX couldn’t be trusted. JJ learned that the hard way. “I said, where did you get the gun?”

“I have the right to remain silent,” JJ reminded, lips pulling into a smirk as Shoupe and his partner, Deputy Thomas shared an irritated look. “Ain’t that what you told me?”

“You keep actin’ out, you’ll end up just like your daddy,” Thomas remarked, hoping to rile up the sixteen-year-old boy. It didn’t though. After enduring years of abuse from his father, JJ became desensitized to comments about his dad. Letting things roll off his shoulders was better than dwelling on feelings and trying to make sense of them, at least in JJ’s mind.

“Hold on, Thomas,” Shoupe said, quieting his partner as he turned up the volume on the radio. Leaning forward, JJ could only hear bits of the dispatcher.

Robbery at Denny’s…unarmed female…seventeen…black tank top, white shorts…

Shoupe and Thomas eyed each other momentarily before pulling into the Denny’s parking lot which they had been conveniently driving by. Shoupe put the car in park before turning around, “This ain’t gonna take long. Don’t try anything stupid.”

JJ snickered as the two officers stepped out of the vehicle. “No promises, buddy.”

Not even five minutes later, JJ’s head perked up at the commotion out front of Denny’s. Almost instantly, his cheeks flushed a deep red as Deputy Thomas pushed you into the car, slamming the door behind him. JJ happily drank in the sight of you, slightly embarrassed that his cargo shorts had constricted. “Well, well, well, what do we have here? What’s your name, baby?”

Clenching your jaw, you eyed the smirking blonde beside you. JJ Maybank. The devilishly handsome Pogue with anger management problems and daddy issues. He was notorious for smoking weed, fishing, and stealing. What kind of trouble had he gotten himself into this time?

“Y/N,” Not wanting to make small talk with a known criminal, you leaned forward toward Deputy Thomas. “Officer, is this really necessary?”

“You stole from the store,” Thomas answered.

“It was a candy bar,” you retorted, wriggling your wrists in the handcuffs. “And I said I was going to pay for it, I just didn’t have enough cash.”

“Then you shouldn’t have taken it,” JJ piped up, flashing a bright smile. “If you can’t do the time, don’t do the crime, princess.”

“It was for a child,” you said, teeth gritted together. “I was waiting for my brother to bring me a dollar.” As both officers ignored you, you leaned in closer, softening your voice. “Look, I really am sorry, okay? The little girl was upset and I just wanted to see her smile. This is all just one big misunderstanding.”

JJ eyed you curiously when you shot a wink his way. For a brief moment, his pulse quickened. Were they actually going to let you go?

“Sorry, kid,” Shoupe replied. Groaning, you sat back against the seat, your attempt at sweet-talking the officers one big failure.

“I’ll be damned,” JJ laughed, causing you to let out your own. “You had me fooled.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

But there was somethin' bout the way The blue lights were shinin' Bringing out the freedom in your eyes

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

JJ was captivated. The whole way to the station, his eyes stayed glued to your face, which was solemnly pressed up against the window. The black bandana around your head kept the curls away from your cheeks, giving JJ the chance to appreciate your beauty. You were stunning, no doubt about that, but there was something about the way the bright blue cop lights brought out a twinkle in your eyes that kept JJ staring. He could almost see through you, into your free-spirited soul. You weren’t a Pogue, but your personality didn’t scream Kook either. You were somewhere in the middle, and JJ was overcome with a sudden itch to get to know you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We talked, we laughed We sat real close By the time they let us go I was already gone

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Wait, you brought a gun to a party?” You asked, rolling your eyes as JJ gave you a proud nod. “Are you insane?”

“Insane is my middle name,” JJ gloated. “And besides, the douche had it coming. He tried to drown my best friend. That shit won’t fly with me. And apparently,” JJ nodded toward the two officers, “Bringing a gun to a party doesn’t exactly fly with asshole 1 and 2 up front either or else I wouldn’t be here.”

You giggled as Shoupe and Thomas exchanged irritated glances, clearly fed up with JJ’s antics. Turning back to JJ, you noticed he wasn’t trying to hide his staring. “What? Do I have something on my face?”

“Not my lips, sadly,” Warmth crept up your neck as JJ laughed, running his tongue along his lower lip. “Sorry, it’s just…I can’t help but think you and I come from two different worlds. Here I am being arrested for possession of a weapon, and you’re being arrested for having a heart of gold.”

Your heart skipped a beat as JJ offered a shy smile. Boldly, you scooted closer to him, resting your head on his shoulder. He didn’t seem to mind though, as his cheek lay against the top of your head, staying in that position until you arrived at the police district.

You were let go almost immediately, but JJ had a harder time of convincing the officers to let him go. After twenty minutes, JJ was able to talk himself out of jail time. How he did it, he was clueless, but he wasn’t going to dwell on it. Instead, he ran out of the district as fast as he could, almost colliding with you.

“They let you go?” Grinning, JJ grabbed you in a hug. “How in the hell did you pull that off?”

JJ set you down before massaging his wrists. “Don’t ask questions, baby, just be glad I did.”

“Well,” you said, hands slapping against your thighs, “It’s been quite an adventure, but it looks like it’s the end for us.”

Pushing his hands deep in his pockets, JJ stepped forward, a gleam in his eyes. “It doesn’t have to be.”

“What?” your brows furrowed. “What are you talking about?”

“I want to see you again,” JJ admitted. He was smitten with you, and if he were being honest, he didn’t want the night to end. Your smile was beautiful, your laugh was contagious, and you had a sense of freedom that drew JJ closer to you. “What do you say?”

With a new sense of confidence, you grabbed JJ’s hand, pressing a quick kiss to his bruised cheek. Smirking, you looked at the troubled boy who, if you learned anything about him that night, was a sweetheart under all the rough layers. “What kind of trouble are we getting into next?” 

[buzzdixonwriter]

The Purple Monster Strikes

Recently in an online discussion of 1950s sci-fi films, the old Republic serial The Purple Monster Strikes came up.

Why is came up I’ll mention later, but first let’s note it: 

was made in 1945 

was the last 15 chapter Republic serial

is awful

Not eyeball gouging / brain melting / soul scorching awful the way The Lost City or Gene Autry And The Phantom Empire or Captain Video are awful, but awful enough…

…yet at the same time, worthy of comment (as we’ll soon note).

1945 is a crucial year.  Despite the Nazis last ditch Battle of the Bulge, WWII is clearly winding down to an Allied victory in both Europe and the Pacific. 

American audiences feel tired of the war wand want something else in their entertainment, even low brow / low rent entertainment like movie serials.

Republic produced three serials that year:  Federal Operator 99 proved surprisingly good, Manhunt Of Mystery Island (their next to last 15 chapter serial) tried some new ideas that while interesting didn’t prove interesting enough to be tried again, and The Purple Monster Strikes brought interplanetary thrills back to the theaters, only this time instead of visiting Mars, Mars (at least two of ‘em) came to Earth.

As noted in my overview of Federal Operator 99, Republic serials of that year looked…inexpensive.* 

This is especially true of The Purple Monster Strikes which really needed a bigger budget, a better script, and adequate production time for the type of story it was trying to tell.

That story?

In a nutshell:   The Purple Monster is a one-Martian invasion come to steal the secret of the “jet plane” (the script uses the term interchangeably with “rocketship”) from Earth and take it to Mars where it can be mass produced and used to attack our world (Why?  WTF knows or cares?).  To achieve this The Purple Monster bumps off the scientist in charge of the project, physically possesses his corpse by turning into a ghost-like entity, and tries to kill a nosy investigator and the late scientist’s niece.  In the end The Purple Monster tries to escape Earth only to get blowed up real good (Did I mention this is silly, stooped, and trite?  I did?  Good).

So why am I interested in The Purple Monster Strikes?  Well, for two reasons, the second and more important one we’ll save for the end, the first is that when watched with fully informed eyes, it’s a testament to the single greatest contribution the serials made to filmmaking:  The production board.

Lemme ‘splain what that is.

In the old days of movie making it was a folder with slots for narrow strips of colored cardboard to be slid in.  The strips were color coded for interior or exterior scenes, night or day, specific locations, second unit or special effects, etc.

These strips were grouped together on the production board so all the exterior day shots at one location could be filmed back-to-back, followed by all the night shots there before moving on to a new location.

The colored carboard strips were further broken down to match production numbers in the shooting script (“Scene 37:  The bandits take the town”), key props and costumes, stunt work, but most importantly actors / characters in the scene.

You want all your most important / expensive / difficult stuff grouped together…but you also need to figure out what you didn’t need so you could pare down your budget.

For example, if you need someone to play a policeman in Scene 1 and in Scene 12 but those scenes are shot two seeks apart, maybe it’s cheaper to have two different actors playing two different policemen for one day each than keep one actor on call for two weeks.

Likewise, if you’ve got an actor in a key supporting role, put all his scenes together.

This necessitates shooting out of sequence, but shooting out of sequence is now pretty much the industry norm for any filmed or taped production.

The serials invented the production board and the rest of the industry speedily glommed onto it.

Once you know what to look for in The Purple Monster Strikes, you can pretty much break down which scenes were shot when.

Case in point: Masked heroes and villains aside, serial characters rarely change costume except to match stock footage from earlier productions.  It’s not especially notable for male characters but females typically wear The Same Damn Dress in Every Damn Scene.

So when heroine Linda Sterling gets dunked in a water tank midway through The Purple Monster Strikes, you can bet that was her last day of filming since they were no longer worried about ruining her costume.

Likewise when a female reinforcement from Mars arrives, the exact same location right down to the same car parked in the same spot are used even though the female Martian doesn’t arrive until 2/3rds of the way into the story.

You wouldn’t notice this week to week in a movie theater, but they’re painfully obvious when bingewatching.

Case in point: There are never more than four characters onscreen at any time; this was all the production could afford on any given day.  If a fifth character showed up, one of the others needed to be knocked unconscious (if they were lucky) shot and fall off camera (if they were unlucky), or disintegrated (if they were really unlucky).

For example, the hero and heroine could be talking to a scientist (day 1 / shot 1) when three baddies show up at the door (day 2 / shot 1).  The first baddie shoots the scientist, who falls off camera then enters the frame and knocks out the heroine, who conveniently falls behind a counter (day 1 / shot 2).  The other two baddies enter and a huge brawl erupts (day 2 / shot 2).  The heroine revives (day 1 / shot 3) and shouts a warning at the hero.  The hero blasts a minor baddie who falls off camera as the other two baddies flee the scene (day 2 / shot 3), then the heroine rejoins the hero (day 1 / shot 4).

Binge watching also reveals a lot of sets and props reused again and again.  The same footstool is used as a weapon more than once, a prop valve in one chapter serves an entirely different function in another, and while serials frequently reused stock special effects shots, The Purple Monster Strikes doesn’t just use the same exploding car shot twice in the same serial, not just twice in the same chapter, but twice in the same car chase!

(Speaking of which, whenever they get in Linda Sterling’s car you know the odds are 50-50 it’s going off a cliff in a big flaming fireball.  The Purple Monster Strikes has her going through so many identical make automobiles you’d think she owned stock in a car dealership.)

Anybody familiar with Republic serials is going to find a lot of reused sets and props here.  Having seen Manhunt Of Mystery Island recently, I immediately recognized their ubiquitous warehouse set, the Republic Studios loading dock doubles as two different factory exteriors, and having lived in Chatsworth several years I can practically name each and every rock in the exterior scenes.**

On the plus side, bonus points for some impressive looking props, including a rocket test engine that provides the explosive cliffhanger for the first chapter, a double-barrel disintegrator that looks like a giant set of binoculars (I wonder if it was originally a military surplus training aid), and a spaceship seen under construction for most of the serial that proves to be the most striking design the redoubtable Lydecker brothers ever created (a pity it’s glimpsed only briefly before being blown up in the last chapter; Republic should have reused it for their later sci-fi serials instead of the dull unimaginative designs they went with).

Fun factoid: Mi amigo Donald F. Glut, filmmaker / NYTimes bestselling author / film historian, knew The Purple Monster hizzownsef, Roy Barcroft, and reports Barcroft had the wardrobe department sew a secret pocket in his costume for his cigarettes! 

Speaking of Barcroft, he’s the best thing in this serial and he ain’t that good.  A perennial bad guy in serials and B-Westerns, he normally turned in a satisfying performance, but the script for The Purple Monster Strikes gives him nothing to work with.

I mentioned previously how Federal Operator 99’s script works more often than not and gives its characters something the actors can work with, but The Purple Monster Strikes?  Nada.

Every line is a clunky flat declarative sentence exposition dump of the “I’ll take this strange medallion we discovered to Harvey the metallurgist to analyze” variety.

Even Linda Sterling can’t do anything with this though she tries to find an appropriate facial expression for whatever scene she’s thrown in.

As for nominal star Dennis Moore, I won’t say he’s wooden but in one of the innumerable fight scenes Barcroft hurls a coatrack at him and for that brief moment the coatrack delivers a far more memorable performance.

Sidebar on the fight scenes: They are choreographed expertly, among some of the best Republic ever staged, but directors Spencer Gordon Bennet and Fred C. Brannon -- both serial veterans who could do much, much better -- really dropped the ball in shooting them.  They’re shot almost entirely in wide angle longshots using slightly sped up photography instead of intercutting to keep the pacing fast.

The rest of the cast consists mostly of stuntmen carefully enunciating their one line before the fists start flying, or older male actors who deliver surprisingly good performances compared to everyone else.

But that script -- oh, lordie, that script!  This was made in 1945 and they’ve got a damn organ grinder in it!  Organ grinders vanished from the public sphere with the damn of movies; by the 1940s they were found only in comic books and animated cartoons; in other words, kid stuff.***

It’s clear the writers on The Purple Monster Strikes (Royal Cole, Albert DeMond, Basil Dickey, Lynn Perkins, Joseph Poland, and Barney Sarecky) considered this mere juvenile pablum, not worthy of even the smattering of sophistication they sprinkled on Federal Operator 99.

An adult can watch Federal Operator 99 and at least feel the story makes some kind of sense and the characters, however imperfectly enacted, at least offer adult motives and behaviors, but The Purple Monster Strikes is just insulting to the intelligence (I mean, they call the female Martian invader Marsha.  Seriously?).

Okay, so why do I think this is worth writing about?

Because The Purple Monster Strikes is the bridge between WWII and the Cold War.

Most of the major tropes of 1950s sci-fi are reactions to Cold War anxieties, and those anxieties are transplanted WWII anxieties.

Before WWII, American moneyed interests waged a relentless PR campaign against communism, socialism, and labor unions (sound familiar?).

Forced to make peace with the Soviets during WWII, these moneyed interests -- now heavily invested in what Dwight D. Eisenhower called the military-industrial complex -- bit their lips as US pop culture portrayed the Russians as gallant allies against fascism (and they were; credit where credit is due).

As soon as the war ended, however, and in fact, even a little before the end (see The Best Years Of Our Lives; great movie), they were already recasting the Russians as treacherous authoritarian atheists out to conquer the world.

As noted earlier, American audiences felt weary of a relentless diet of war related entertainment and in the waning days of the war turned eagerly to non-war related stories. 

Likewise studios, not wanting to get caught with rapidly dating WWII related material nobody wanted to see began actively developing different kinds of stories.

After four years of intense anxiety, the country needed to come down but couldn’t go cold turkey.  Science fiction (and hardboiled mysteries and spy thrillers) provided safe decompression.

1945 marks a significant sea change in Republic serial production.  Sci-fi would become a more predominant theme, infiltrating other genres such as the ever popular masked mastermind (viz. The Crimson Ghost).

Federal Operator 99 would be the last highwater mark for more plausible serial stories, but crime and undercover espionage remained serial staples to the bitter end.

Only Manhunt Of Mystery Island seemed a misfire and even in that case it only meant the masked mastermind returned to more traditional origins instead of the inventive backstory created for Captain Mephisto.  

What The Purple Monster Strikes did was take a very familiar set of WWII cliches and stereotypes then recast them in a (relatively) safe science fictional context.

The closest prototype to The Purple Monster Strikes is Republic’s G-Men Vs. The Black Dragon, as racially offensive as you could hope to imagine, and turn the inscrutable “yellow” villains into malevolent purple ones (later green when colorization was added).

By making the literally other worldly alien the “other”, 1950s sci-fi sidestepped the worst implications of their own themes:  

Invasion 

Subversion 

Fifth columns 

Loss of soul / identity / individuality (personified in bodily possession by alien intellects)

Paranoia

The Purple Monster Strikes lacks the wit and wherewithal to fully exploit these ideas, but it sure could hold them up for everyone to get a quick glimpse.

As childish and as inane as the plot may be, by the end when hero and heroine realize there is literally no one they can trust, The Purple Monster Strikes dropped a depth charge into preteen psyches fated to go off six years later with the arrival of The Thing From Another World and countless other sci-fi films and TV episodes afterwards.

Did The Purple Monster Strikes create this trend?  No, of course not – but as Stephen King pointed out in Danse Macabre regarding the incredibly inane The Horror Of Party Beach’s selection of nuclear waste dumping as their raison d'être for their monsters:

“I’m sure it was one of the least important points in their preproduction discussions and for that reason it becomes very important.”

King’s point is by not giving the matter much thought, The Horror Of Party Beach’s producers simply tapped into a subconscious gestalt already running through the culture and said, “Yeah, nuclear waste, wuddup widdat?”

Likewise, The Purple Monster Strikes’ producers / directors / writers didn’t sit themselves down to analyze Orwell’s Nineteen Eighty-Four but rather picked up on the forever war current already moving through the American body politic.

War without end, war without ceasing.

And if we can’t define an enemy by name or place, so much the better!  The war on crime, the war on poverty, the war on drugs…

The war on terror.

The forever war thrives on the faceless unknowable enemy with the unknown but clearly malevolent anti-American agenda.

“Them”…against…U.S.

As an artistic achievement, The Purple Monster Strikes is sadly lacking in nearly all aspects, but as a cultural artifact, it’s still a clear warning.

Only not about “them” but about…us.

  © Buzz Dixon 

  *  read “cheap”

** Republic’s low budget backed them into an overlapping series of sci-fi serials, loosely referred to as the Rocket Man / Martian invasion serials by fans.  The Purple Monster Strikes’ costume was reused for Flying Disc Man From Mars (which featured a semi-circular flying wing already featured in Spy Smasher and King Of The Mounties) and again for Zombies Of The Stratosphere, but between those two serials the wholly unrelated King Of The Rocket Men was released.  Zombies… is a sequel to both Flying Disc Man… and King Of The Rocket Men but Radar Men From The Moon introduces a new character -- Commando Cody -- who wears the same rocket pack as the heroes of King… and Zombies… but faces a lunar, not Martian menace then he spins off to become Commando Cody:  Sky Marshall Of The Universe in a quasi-serial (i.e., no cliff-hangers, each chapter a complete adventure) fighting a third alien invasion!

***  Or the works of Bertolt Brecht, but that ain’t what Republic’s going for here.

[the-one-eighteen]

Okay for the prompt request, how about Buck plans a picnic with Eddie and Chris and they're once again mistaken for a couple? Bonus point if it leads to love confession and a first kiss (and no pressure if you don't feel like writing this, okay?)

Thank you so much for the prompt, and sorry for the delay! Hope you like it ^^

I Don’t Want Them to be Wrong

(read on ao3)

Buck couldn’t ask for a better day. The sun was shining without burning everything to a crisp, the park was busy without being crowded, they’d managed to find a perfect spot under a couple of trees - close enough to the playground that Chris could easily make it without help, but out of the way enough that they weren’t in any danger of being trampled on by excited kids or harried parents - and...well, he was out and about with his two favorite people.

The day honestly couldn’t get much better.

Eddie had given him a bit of a weird look when he’d suggested the picnic about a week ago. But Buck was smart, and had suggested it in front of Chris, who was immediately on board and helped him convince Eddie that it was a great idea without much prompting. He was pretty sure it was physically impossible for Eddie to say no to Chris over fun, easy stuff.

No one ever said he had to play fair when it came to Eddie.

And now, here they were, and even Eddie had to admit this was a good idea when he saw Chris light up, saw the spot Buck had picked out, and saw the food Buck had put together and just…

Yeah, it was a good idea, and Buck was a little proud of himself, honestly.

They’d needed a day out. Eddie’d been complaining about the never ending stream of take out he’d been having to get lately, and how, with it being summer, Carla and his family were having to watch Chris more, and while they were all great and wonderful, there was only so much they could do with an excited eight year old who didn’t have school and homework as a distraction.

Buck hadn’t thought of a picnic originally - it wasn’t generally his go-to, which tended more towards beer, pizza and video games, because, honestly? He didn’t need a whole lot, if he was spending the day with Eddie and Chris. Hell, he’d probably be happy with just hanging out on their couch for a couple hours, he was that far into it.

But Eddie had just looked so...upset, about the fact that Chris was bored out of his mind, and Eddie...hadn’t really been able to do anything to help relieve that boredom lately.

He might have also gone to Hen for suggestions.

Hen had given him a weird look - she’d been giving him a lot of those lately actually - before just shaking her head and suggesting one of the parks her and Karen took Denny to when the summer blues hit.

So, yeah. Picnic.

Eddie was currently stretched out beside him on the blanket, leaning back on his arms and watching Chris play, a pair of sunglasses perched on his nose, and a little dab of sunscreen there too, from where he’d been trying to cover Chris and Chris had been having none of it.

Buck kind of wants to tell him it’s there. Kind of wants to see how long it’ll take him to notice.

The sandwiches Buck had made are already long gone, a couple snacks still laid out here and there for when Chris decides he wants to come back.

They’re in absolutely no rush, and Buck is just enjoying the moment. He’s stretched out on his back, hands behind his head, enjoying the heat and the sounds of laughing kids and parents, and, honestly, if he wasn’t feeling so bright and full, he’d probably doze off, just absolutely content with life.

“...Thanks. For this.” Eddie murmurs a little while later, and Buck blinks slightly as his brain comes back online. Maybe he did doze off there for a moment. Whoops.

“Huh? Oh, of course man.” He grins up at Eddie, cheeky and bright. “You looked absolutely miserable last week. Had to do something.”

And Eddie looks at him, sunglasses making it impossible to actually decipher his expression. “No, you really didn’t.” And Buck doesn’t really get that, feels himself frowning, “But I’m glad you did.” And Eddie smiles down at him - that small, surprised one that he so rarely shows that makes Buck’s heart skip a beat or two every time he manages to tease it out.

And then he’s looking back towards the playground, and Buck gets a moment to just. Breathe. In through his nose, out through his mouth.

Calm down.

It’s something he has to tell himself a lot these days.

Calm down, when Eddie invites him to stay the night ‘cause they’ve been watching movies and it’s now midnight and there’s no point in him going home at that hour. Calm down, when Eddie tells him Chris misses him and he should come over soon. Calm down, when Eddie accepts invitations to his place for just the two of them for a night. Calm down, when Eddie asks if he can pick up Chris from school, or from his abuela’s because he’s picking up the end of a shift and knows Buck will without hesitation.

Calm down, when Eddie smiles at him, laughs with him.

Calm the fuck down, when Eddie does...anything.

It doesn’t ever really work, but he says it a lot. Likes to think it keeps him from doing something stupid.

“Daddy!” Chris calls, causing Buck to glance over, even if Eddie’s already on it.

“Yeah, buddy?” Eddie calls back, pushing himself up to actually sit.

“Can we get ice cream?” Chris asks, clearly already set to start heading for the ice cream cart that Buck had clocked when they’d gotten there.

Eddie frowns slightly, exaggeratedly, pretending to think on it for a moment.

Chris just huffs and turns to look at Buck instead, “Buck, can we get ice cream?” which causes Eddie to bust out laughing, and Buck just grins and shakes his head.

“Not how that works buddy. Good try though.” Buck says, even as Eddie mutters something about kids too smart for their own good.

Chris pouts a bit, but Eddie’s already throwing his hands up in defeat, “Go over and tell the nice lady what you want. We’ll be right there.” And Chris is off as fast as his little legs can carry him.

“Come on, let’s get over there before he orders more than he can carry…” Eddie says, trying for grumpy and put out, but Buck can see the smile, so he just shoves Eddie when he tries to get up, laughing when Eddie sprawls out with a squawk and a curse too low for any close by parents to be offended.

“You good there, Diaz?” Buck asks, smile as innocent as he can make it. Eddie’s not buying it for a second, if the look he shoots him is anything to go by, and Buck guesses he’s got about two seconds before Eddie tackles him in retaliation, so he’s up on his feet and gone in one. The shout that follows him as Eddie goes sprawling again just proves him right.

He laughs to himself, slowing down a good couple of feet from the cart, where Chris is waiting patiently, a frozen orange pop already in hand. “Looks good buddy, why don’t you go help your dad up while I pay?”

Chris beams at him and bolts back the way he came. Buck looks back long enough to see Eddie scoop up an excitedly shrieking Chris a moment later, both of them laughing and spinning around, enough that Buck’s vaguely worried about Chris losing his popsicle.

“He’s adorable. And incredibly polite. You two are doing a good job with him.” The woman behind the cart says and Buck blinks, glancing back over, what he’s sure is a dumb grin still in place.

“What? Oh, uh-” This isn’t the first someone’s mistaken them for...for more than what they are. Isn’t the first time Buck’s heart has flipped over itself at the very idea. “Thank you. He’s a good kid.” And she smiles kindly, and he orders two chocolate pops for him and Eddie and pays for all three with a thank you before heading back to their blanket, where Eddie’s losing at trying to keep Chris clean.

And, maybe, just maybe, it’s a little selfish, that he doesn’t correct them, every time it comes up. But the very idea of being able to call Chris his, of being able to call Eddie his...going along with it for one moment, just a moment where he can smile and be loud and proud about what he supposedly has…

It’s never hurt anyone, and it takes less time than explaining that no, they’re not together, no, Chris isn’t his, and yes, it hurts every single time he has to come back down to reality.

So.

Yeah.

He drops back down on the blanket, offering over the popsicle to Eddie, who just looks at him, utterly defeated, while Chris grins at him, smile orange and sticky and so, so bright.

“Give up Eddie. We’ll soak ‘em with the hose when we get home.” And Buck can feel his face heating up as his jaw snaps shut. He didn’t mean to say that, sneaking a look at Eddie to see if he noticed.

Thankfully it doesn’t look like it, as Eddie just sighs and takes the popsicle that’s being offered, giving up on getting a napkin to Chris’ face. “He needs a bath anyway…”

Chris finishes his popsicle in record time after that, muttering that Eddie and Buck eat too slow before asking if he can go play again. Eddie makes one last attempt at wiping his face off, but Chris is too hyper now to really sit still for it, though Buck will give it to him that he tries. For a second.

“Fine, fine, ya little sugar demon. Go burn off that energy.” Eddie says, shooing a now laughing Chris off towards the playground.

Buck tosses his popsicle stick into their small bag of trash, laying back to rest his head on his hands again, watching Chris with a smile as Eddie goes quiet. God, he just wants this day to last forever.

“Why do you never correct them?” Eddie asks after a long couple of minutes. He’s still sitting crosslegged next to Buck, and in theory, he’s watching the playground, but who the hell knew with those sunglasses that Buck was starting to hate. His popsicle is mostly forgotten in his hand, melting onto a napkin in front of him while his arms rest on his knees.

Buck doesn’t get what he’s asking at first, frowning and pushing himself up to his hands, “Correct them?”

“When people assume Chris is ours.” Eddie says, still not really looking over, though Buck has a sneaking suspicion he’s watching Buck out of the corners of his eyes.

But Buck’s not really concerned with that right now.

No, no, he’s mainly concerned with the fact that it seems his stomach has suddenly relocated to his knees, and he’s pretty sure that’s not where it’s supposed to be.

“Uh…” Okay, think. Calm down and think. “...It’s faster to just agree?” Buck tries, hating how his voice goes a little shaky.

And there’s a pause. A long one that has the hair on the back of Buck’s neck standing on edge.

“...Oh.” Is all Eddie says though, his shoulders slumping slightly. And Buck can feel his gaze going back to the playground, even if he can’t actually see it.

...What the ever loving hell was he supposed to do with that?

He sits up completely then, moving to sit crosslegged in a mirror of Eddie, just eyeing him for a long moment. Eddie’s not...avoiding his look, but he’s definitely pretending like he doesn’t notice, if the sudden tension he can see in his shoulders is anything to go by.

Buck’s stomach is back where it’s supposed to be, but now his heart is beating double time as the very possibility starts worming its way into his mind. Was Eddie...disappointed?

Calm down. There had to be another explanation.

Calm down. But what could it be?

Calm down before you do something stu- “And…” Buck begins, slowly, testing the words in his mind over and over again before he actually lets them out, “I really like the idea.” He hesitates, before adding, softer, “I don’t want them to be wrong.”

And Buck’s like. Ninety percent certain Eddie’s stopped breathing. Which, you know, is only fair, since Buck’s holding his breath now too, waiting for Eddie to respond.

It’s quiet between them for long enough for Buck to go a little light headed before Eddie sets down what’s left of the popsicle. He reaches up to pull off his sunglasses, finally looking at Buck.

Really looking. Intense eyes bore into Buck for another long moment and it’s all Buck can do not to look away. Look away from this, whatever this turns out to be.

And then Eddie’s face breaks into a smile - one Buck’s never seen, but one that immediately takes his breath away, it’s so damn bright. Well, looks like he has a new favorite smile. Or, you know, he could just stick to loving all of them. That works too.

“I really like the idea too.” Eddie says, almost shyly, and Buck just...he needs to do something stupid. Again.

He leans in to press a kiss to Eddie’s lips, grins when he feels Eddie lean into it immediately, only for them to have to break apart way too soon because they’re both grinning too hard for it to work. Both of their smiles are a little stupid as they laugh softly,

“Maybe try that again?” Eddie asks, and Buck has to actually school his face so he doesn’t laugh again before he’s leaning back in to steal an actual kiss, all sweet intensity and soft breath, and it damn near takes his breath away when Eddie shifts just enough to slot them together just right.

Yeah, Buck couldn’t ask for a better day.

[tube-thoughts-blog]

Vol. 11

Zero stars - terrible, 1/2 a star - dull, 1 star - folly, 1 1/2 stars - lacking, 2 stars - fair, 2 1/2 stars - decent, 3 stars - terrific

"Groove On Fight" --Sega Saturn-- (Atlus) -1997- *Imagine a Japanese pretty boy version of Christopher Walken with a neo biker / leather cowboy fetish. Now imagine an entire, -wealthy & powerful- "Game of Thrones style" inbred family of them all with some peculiar fetish. They fight it out for control of the family. The matriarchy of the family is two grannies tied back to back like Siamese bondage twins. One fight takes place on the back of an American type bomber plane up above the clouds. That last sentence pretty much speaks to the disturbed nature of a lot of Japanese art after World War 2.* close to 3 stars

Godfrey Ho's "Ninja Commandments" (1987) *Who knew that honky moral issues like pre-marital sex were such problems for Ninjas, or that they liked to party with skanky groupies, and that pretty much all ninjas are not-so-secretly middle age white men.* between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

Red Letter Media: Best of the Worst --------

*Deadly Prey: Ice T's "The Game"(?), a movie where a guy gets kidnapped by army dudes and hunted for sport only to fight back, this time with a hero who's a Patrick Swayze type bohunk Rambo.* 2 1/2 stars

*Hard Ticket To Hawaii: Skinemax classic about blonde bimbos trying to stop criminal smuggling in an exotic locale. Also, killer, "infectious," cancer-ridden, huge snake.* 2 1/2 stars

*Miami Connection: Lost & found gem of a movie with nearly as many awkwardly awesome moments as Tommy Wiseau's "The Room."* 3 stars

Red Letter agrees that Miami Connection is "The Best of the Worst."

---------------------------------

"Red Earth" aka "Warzard" (Capcom) *A wizard summons up a bunch of kaiju monsters, in scattered epic sites, that only a big lion-man and several other heroes can vanquish from the earth. Typical wizard being a total dickhead, to the rest of magic-impaired mankind, behavior.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

"Bushido Blade 2" (Playstation 1) *Bloodthirsty Japanese clans have kept up the honor of warring over territory for power for centuries up into modern times, in this game. It's a nice mixture of both old and new worlds, and the music and dialogue is well done, and even the setting and characters (though limited by the blocky polygon look of early 3D). It keeps with "realism" too with one good killing stroke, with a warrior's sword, doing the job. It even has thrills like bikini girls with machine guns.* 2 1/2 stars

"The Kurosagi Corpse Delivery Service Vol. 4" (Dark Horse Manga) *Morbid and eccentric tales of a group of Buddhist college students with unique gifts of communicating with corpses littered in strange locations around Japan. They help fill the odd requests of these bodies to be put at peace usually in some morbid way or involving some morbid mystery. Instead of trash "reality" entertainment like Long Island Medium, this much better "talking with the deceased" fiction should be turned into tv entertainment for western audiences. It's so much more interesting and entertaining.* 3 stars

"Savage Reign" (SNK) *This is the Kris Kross of fighters. Kriss Kross being a pair of 12 year old rappers whose record company realized their talent was lacking so they came up with the bright idea to have the duo dress with their clothes backwards. The gimmicks in Savage Reign are plenty. There's a clown who fights with roller skates. A valley-girl swinging around a pink bowling ball. His name is Joker, and she looks like a cleaned up Harley Quinn, come to think of it now. A Vanilla Ice look-a-like sports a Captain America' Canadian tuxedo of denim and stars and stripes. The Ryu style hero, of the game, fights without fireballs but instead a silly boomerang. The big boss is a fancier "cock of the walk" Shao Kahn throwing his punches with fists covered in boxing gloves. Sickly serene backgrounds include a generic Disneyland theme park and an underground cow milking gang hideout that is almost as weird as something out of "Naked Lunch."* 2 stars

The Spoony Experiment: Clones of Bruce Lee *When Bruce Lee tragically died during the height of his career, movie producing jerks didn't let it stop them from abusing his legacy. Tons of Bruce Lee impersonators popped up and a sub-genre of exploitation movies was born. They were called Brucesploitation flicks. In this one, it's about as shameless as it gets with a plot about cloning Bruce Lee before his body has even grown cold and using the clones for nefarious purposes.* close to 2 stars for the sleazy, cheesy movie and 3 stars for Spoony's review

"Fight For Life" (The Last Official Atari Jaguar Game) --1996-- *Show a kid, today, an Atari 2600 game and they'll think you're giving them something like an ink blot test. Having witnessed an Atari 2600 game, back in the day, it felt like I was standing on the edge of the digital future. The Atari Jaguar promised that brave, new, digital future with their doomed Jaguar gaming machine. I remember the first time I saw Sega's Virtua Fighter in an arcade. I did get that "tomorrow feeling." I couldn't wait to take these blocky 3D characters and make them my sandbox toys tossing them around with their ragdoll physics. It was mind blowing. Atari's Fight For Life wanted to be like Virtua Fighter, only it comes off more like a 2600 ink blot test for the imagination, and really painful to the senses. Man, is it ugly and clunky. It's definitely not "epic," but I can compare it to something else that is "epic." The Faith No More "Epic" music video where the fish out of water is flopping its death throes. It's more like that fish than a jaguar.* between 1 and 1 1/2 stars

The Cinema Snob: Karate Girl *Rape revenge exploitation "thriller" circa 1970s about a mute girl from a Turkish village. The kind of movie that Tarantino would rip off elements from and be called a genius later. Also featuring an infamous over-the-top death scene that's become an internet meme.* close to 2 stars for the movie & close to 3 stars for the review

"The Blonde Fury" (1989) *Cynthia Rothrock is the greatest female action star. It had to be said, because it's true. This is a Hong Kong action flick about crazy counterfeiters and quirky investigators. The English dubbing is extra entertaining and the comedy is quite clever.* 3 stars

Black Sails: Season 1 Episode 5 *Finally, a bloody battle, at sea, to go along with the pirate base politics and prostitute abuse.* 3 stars

Hot Package: Pilot (Adult Swim) --2013-- *Spoof of insipid celebrity obsessed shows like E!NEWS and Entertainment Tonight, but with a weird EverythingIsTerrible style obscure internet clip twist. Featuring "hot phone sex" Pat from Access Hollywood and produced by Tim & Eric from Adult Swim.* close to 2 1/2 stars

"Slap Happy Rhythm Busters" (Playstation One) *Filled with quirky characters who use supermoves similar to a Marvel Versus series game & graphics as brightly colored as 'Viewtiful Joe' 'Katamari Damacy' & 'Legend of Zelda Windwaker', Slap Happy will slap you silly with enjoyment.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

"Slaughter Sport" aka "Tongue of the Fatman" (Razorsoft) Sega Genesis 1991 *Another barbaric battle of death, in a palace pit, hosted by a Jabba the Hutt style freak boss who also looks like a shirtless Eric Cartman, in his underwear, with a hideous face and tongue on his fat rolls of a belly. Tech-abominations like a cybernetic chicken, fierce sex slave warrior chicks, gassy gargoyles, spider-women, bad boy white rappers, and other mutated freaks of the wasteland compete for the hunger and amusement of Mondu, the fatman. His pet sand-shark finishes off the losers.* running from close to 2 stars down to 1 star

"Godzilla, Destroy All Monsters: Melee" (x-Box) *This has almost everything a fan of kaiju destruction could want. Just about every Tokyo stomping monster is in it, and playable. Only thing missing is frightened citizens running about pointing at "Gojira." Plus, I think the voices over the airwaves should sound Asian. Points for the quirky bits like a UFO hovering over attacking and Mothra getting in on the action.* close to 3 stars

"Rakuga Kids" *Some brats battle their stuffed animals around their playrooms and neighborhood that look like they're out of a pop-up storybook. It's sort of Street Fighter 2 meets Toy Story 2. Animated similar to Rugrats and Adult Swim's Home Movies.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

"Dragoon Might" -Arcade- (Konami) --1995-- *The fancy presentation of this game reminds me of 2009's 3D spectacle, Avatar. It makes me wanna reach out and pick a low hanging piece of pretty fruit and bite into it. Yet, there's a pit. The artistry and poetry looks at times like it's coming from a Crouching Tiger, but hidden in the bushes, ready to pounce, is a shirtless guy in torn jeans and brandishing a butcher knife. It's just goodtime trash stealing your quarters.* 2 1/2 stars

"Kaiser Knucle" (Arcade) *This is the Vanilla Ice "Cool As Ice" of Street Fighter 2 rip offs. You can play as Fred Flinstone's daughter or "Barts" Yes with an S (teen biker Bart Simpson?) & Ryu w/ flowing mullet, or even "Boggy" who is a MC Hammer wannabe. "Don't hurt 'em!"* 2 stars

Nostalgia Critic: Rise of the Commercials *A look back on when silly advertising really RULED! "Don't put it in your mouth." That is unless it's been properly branded by corporate America and parent approved.* 3 stars

Double Dare: Super Sloppiest Moments *Kids, and their mostly whitebread families, get covered in green slime.* 2 1/2 stars

Jack & Triumph: Commercial *It starts off funny with making fun of Dennis Leary for stealing Bill Hicks' comedy act. Then it gets typical with the whole Alan Thicke showing up and we're supposed to accept that he's now "ironically funny" because he's a square former celebrity acting in an offensive way that we never saw on his old tv show. That's the same kind of lame shit that media is always trying to do in a hipster way with all these former celebrities from the 70s, 80s, or 90s. Robert Smigel can do so much better, see TV Funhouse for example.* close to 2 1/2 stars

Mystery Science Theater 3000: Master Ninja 1 *Lee Van Cleef makes a convincing wild west badass. Surrounded by 70s style slacker dude in a muscle van, mousey & young Demi Moore, hicksploitation villains, and obvious kung fu stuntman doing his action work -Lee struggles to make a convincing martial arts badass.* 2 stars with riffing between 1 1/2 and 2 stars without riffing

"Project Justice" --Sega Dreamcast-- (Capcom) *I believe it was the 70s, that era of great television, that first introduced the novelty of students teaming up with a teacher in the classic "Welcome Back, Kotter." The 80s went further, with this, having society's school aged misfits solving problems of gangs of bullies terrorizing the halls of school or jerks who wanted to close down the local youth center and even the retro cheese staple of ski slope jerks challenging our youthful heroes to a race for control of the ski slope club's mountain. This game is similar, in nature, and has the extra benefit of featuring quirky Japanese style characters and aesthetics.* close to 3 stars

"Last Bronx" (Sega Model 2 Arcade) *Consumer electronics have always been trendy with yuppies. When home entertainment centers became hot, everybody had to have one. Digital watches were on every wrist. A Sony walkman around every neck and in every pocket. Still, there was always a stigma about technology, whenever it was new or in development. At the turn of the 21st century, few would have imagined people lining up around the streets to get each new Apple computer product. Same with gaming, it was a kids novelty, and didn't have the online social media culture that it enjoyed after their was a broadband connection and a Sony Playstation 2 in most every living room across the globe. In the 90s testing stage for high end electronics and gaming, Japan was the tech giant. This game says "Last Bronx" but it's more like "Neo Tokyo." It had to have been pretty revolutionary for the time, and yet it looks very much like some thing most of us western yuppies would turn away at.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Robocop, the series: Officer Missing *"Winter is coming".... Land of the Dead... The Purge.... A Christmas Carol (Well, maybe not that one), Robocop did it first.* close to 2 1/2 stars

The Gong Show with Dave Attell: Season 1 Episode 8 *This show yips off into the sunset (cancelled, deservingly, I'm guessing) like a balloon animal dog from the sphincter of a sword swallower. It was riding a flaming pogo stick. The straw that broke the camel's back was heavy metal cookie monster or large man in diaper strip tease.* 2 stars

Robert Crumb: Despair *"You may not think it's funny, but I've got a morbid sense of humor."* close to 3 stars

"Power Instinct: Matrimelee" (Atlus) --Neo Geo-- *The creepy family members, from "Groove On Fight," are back. This time they're fighting it out, on a televised American Idol type stage, Jerry Springer style. The prize is a hand in marriage. Given its pedigree, and Japanese setting, it's weird as fuck, yet very surprisingly charming.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

"Kill Or Be Killed" (1980) *Our villain: an escaped Nazi seeking vague revenge by hosting a "Enter the Dragon" type death tournament. Our hero: a mullet-headed, shirtless, karate badass in a tight pair of bell-bottom jeans. He's out to save his girlfriend from the Nazi. Our wildcard: a Game of Thrones type scheming dwarf helping out our karate hero. Our story: pure grindhouse chop sockey cinema.* close to 3 stars

"Rabbit" (Sega Saturn) *Presentation of this game is nice. It reminds me of the new HD Rayman games' colorful eye candy and whimsy joined together with a clever Cartoon Network cartoon like Regular Show or Adventure Time. The fighters each have a beast or spirit animal. It reminds me of sports fanatics and their team mascots. If so many animals weren't endangered, sports fans would be worse than an old school Ruskie with a dancing bear. There would be a stadium full of Eagles fans each with their own personal bald eagle to show off. Dolphins fans would have a kids swimming pool, in the living room beneath the big screen, sporting a live dolphin who they'd feed anchovies off of their pizza to. Another thing about these fighting games, why are all the people in the background so unaffected by the brawls? They're always nicely eating a bowl of noodles in an outdoor cafe or riding a bicycle with a monkey or.....* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

"Waku Waku 7" (Sunsoft) -1996- *While watching lemmings hop around musically, on this game, I had an epiphany. Fellas we are never gonna get around to building those war robots out of our spare lawnmower and washing machine parts. Ladies, our obese house cats aren't gonna magically start talking and giving us humorous life advice to share on social media. Don't fret, we'll always have the Japanese to create our crazy dreams. That is unless a giant, radiated salamander, with a taste for human sushi, crawls up on the sands of some south Pacific beach.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

"Streets of Rage 3" (SEGA) *It's a typical beat 'em up story. The evil Mr. X is controlling the city with his band of street punks. Our heroes: Dr. Zan (the bald fu-manchu sporting head of a martial arts sensei badass on top of a cyborg body riding around on rocket skates), this ninja chick in a short minskirt, a blonde Ken Masters look-a-like kung fu street fighter, and a token 90s black kid who loves basketball so much he won't put down his b'ball. They have to battle through wave after wave of mercs and pick up turkey dinner power ups.* 2 1/2 stars

Red Letter Media: Best of the Worst --------

Russian Terminator: *"that's what friends ARE! for" also an Anna Nicole look-a-like, a Kenny Rogers look-a-like, and a ninja.* 2 very awkward stars

Ninja Vengeance: *"Ninja" (a horrible one) John Tesh look-a-like on the run from the Klan in the backwoods of a hicksploitation town.* 1 1/2 stars

Never Too Young To Die: *Heart-throb John Stamos, sexy "Vanity" who's a Prince protege, and chick with a dick Gene Simmons is the rockstar who plays the over the top villain.* 2 stars

Red Letter Media ranks them best to worst as Russian T., Never Too Y., and Ninja V.*

---------------------------------

Freddy Krueger in "Mortal Kombat" (2011) *Freddy mocked the rising popularity of video games in "Freddy's Dead." Two decades later, he returns to the mockery. Released a couple years after the toothless remake, this tongueless appearance by Freddy is sorely missing Robert Englund's macabre wordplay.* 1 1/2 stars

Freddy's Nightmares: Identity Crisis ----

*Jeff Conaway, and the sheriff from Friday the 13th: Part 6, give this episode a level of Tales from the Crypt "star power." The story is the 'Family Ties' zeitgeist of the its time period. The spirit of the 60s (hippies) versus the spirit of the 80s (yuppies).* close to 3 stars

*Teenage pound puppies. Emo pound puppies.* 1 1/2 stars for most of the episode 2 1/2 stars for the Freddy dreamhouse sequences

---------------------------

Forensic Files: Postal Mortem *Radioshack enthusiast who's a 'Hercules Bullseye Bomber' and master forger of Mormon historical documents.* 2 1/2 stars

Wizards and Warriors: Skies of Death *Doomsday cannon on the cliffs of doom.* 3 stars

Attack On Titan: Episode 2 *Giving a new meaning to "in your face." A term that I don't care for, but here it comes to represent humongous, naked, grinning humans stomping up in one's personal space to chow down on that person like a corndog. The emotions of the kids, and the dread of the situation for them, keeps everything from getting too out of hand as a spectacle.* 3 stars

The Cinema Snob: The Pierre Kirby Saga *A more-than-competent action badass from a handful of less-than-competent Hong Kong action exploitation "movies."* 3 stars for Snob's retrospect and close to 2 stars for the "movies"

Look Around You: Iron *Point point zero point, ring the bell and the experiment can begin within the twinkling of an eye that is hidden behind a metal face shackle.* 2 1/2 stars

VH1 Classics --- Pop Up Video --- (The Big 80's) -------

a-ha - "Take On Me": Few Americans stuck around to notice that this internationally popular Swedish band lasted long after their early 1980s one hit wonder and only broke up after the 1994 Winter Olypics in which they were featured European band.* 3 plus stars for the pop ups and 3 classic MTV stars for the original video

Pat Benatar - Love is a Battlefield": 30 year old Pat portrayed a 16 year old runaway "too controversial for MTV prostitute" in this video.* 3 plus stars with pop ups and close to 3 stars MTV classic without

John Cougar - "Jack & Diane": One guy lived in a coma for 37 years. He wasn't doing a lot of handclapping and air drumming like Johnny Cougar was doing in this video.* 3 stars with pop ups between 2 1/2 and 3 stars without

Lionel Richie - "Hello": Lionel loves for all of his video vixens to have the same hairstyle as he does.* 3 stars with pop ups 2 1/2 stars, cheesy stars, without pop ups

Van Halen - "Hot For Teacher": This unruly music video caused the child stars to eventually become unruly like the real life Van Halen.* 3 plus stars with pop ups 3 sleazy stars without pop ups

--------------------------

Viper: Mind Games *A sleeper saboteur, a vixen viper, and a truckload of disease.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Twisted Tales #10 ----------------- (Bruce Jones, Bernie Wrightson, Bill Wray, Rick Geary)

Beer: A story of ribbing greenhorns up where the tree-line ends and the green turns to white snowy mountains, and there be yeti's who drive a hard bargain and a sled.* 3 stars

One For The Money: A cat-burglar gets caught and commits murder. He assumes a bear-suit disguise and flees to the woods where he gets gunned down by hunters.* 2 1/2 stars

Hatchet Job: Scientists go back and time and bumble trying to solve the Lizzie Borden murders. ha.* 2 1/2 stars

Two For The Show: A retelling of the earlier cat-burglar tale. This time the party guest kills the intruder, then takes the jewels for himself. Instead of getting shot by a pair of hunters, he gets mauled by a mother grizzly bear. The irony.* close to 3 stars

A haggard man buys a bed from a used store for his sick daughter to rest on her deathbed as she gets out of the hospital. That night, he's visited by the ghost of a girl haunting the bed that died in it, years earlier, in a torn down orphanage fire.* 3 stars, I guess...

Poison in the Pantry: A miserable and mistreated wife and stepmother puts rat poison in the family's soup. She dreams of even better days, from behind bars.* 3 stars

-------------------------------

Hill Street Blues: Life. Death. Eternity... *Etcetera.* 3 stars

X Files: Tooms *Skinner, the Smoking Man, and one of the best "monster" villains ever on the show.* 3 stars

Twitch City: I'm Fat and I'm Proud *Every episode of every tv show ever on tape. And almost everything else a slacker could ever want, for all seasons, except love? And the ability to exit comfortably into society.* 3 stars

Real Pulp Comics #1 *Perverse and humorous tales of skid row lowlifestyle in the babyboom generation's peak.* 2 1/2 stars

Max Headroom: Neurostim *Football, Fast-Food, Fantasy. counter-Fucking-revolutionary.* 3 stars

Farscape: Nerve *Infiltrating a Peacekeeper base, and meeting the Peacekeeper's Darth Vader (Scorpius).* 3 stars

Look Around You: Brain *"Pretty smart for something that looks like a common garden cauliflower."* close 3 stars

Forensic Files: Micro Clues *Tiny communities of freshwater creatures ring out truth and justice from the lungs of a drowned boy of a Swiss village.* 2 stars

Kingdom Hospital: Season 1 Episode 10 *Call the doctor, call the nurse, these guys (King and Lars) are goofy and getting worse.* either 1 star or close to 2 1/2 stars

---Animal Planet--- I Was Bitten: The Walker County Incident *"Animal Planet, surprisingly human." Unsurprisingly stupid. Far more entertaining than the usual (Finding Bigfoot) cryptozoology reality tv whore idiots. Points for the twist ending prank gotcha moment.* either 1 star or close to 2 1/2 stars

======= Trash TV ---- Seasons Finale ------ Marathon ===================

Forensic Files: Something's Fishy *The cyanide tainted Excederin pain reliever panic of the early 90s.* 2 1/2 stars

Forensic Files: Sealed With A Kiss *Psycho teacher stalks herself and then frames a rival faculty member.* close to 3 stars

Forensic Files: Deadly Parasites *Shit leaked into Lake Michigan contaminates the Milwaukee water supply and kills over a hundred people.* 2 1/2 stars

American Horror Story --- Murder House: Afterbirth *The "Murder House" is back on the market at a reduced prices. Also, ghosts can slit other ghosts' throats and they bleed ghost blood. Who knew? They even like to celebrate the season of giving (Christmas) with all the trimmings of the living.* either 1 star or 3 stars for a balls out finale

American Horror Story --- Asylum: Madness Ends *Lana Winters (the reporter from AHS: Asylum) is no Edison Carter (the reporter from Max Headroom). And so concludes this chapter of American Melodrama. Horror's end is supposed to be wrapped up in neat little bows of tenderness... EH? No? Ok.* 2 1/2 stars, I guess

American Horror Story --- Coven: Go To Hell *"I made you die those little deaths." Hell is a fried chicken shack. Ghosts need passports for travel. Who knew? Paula Deen isn't really sorry. She's just sorry that she was caught.* close to 3 stars

American Horror Story --- Coven: The Seven Wonders

*Welcome to the World Series of witchcraft. Let the Harry Potter games begin.

I especially got a chuckle out of the girls just wanna have fun teleportation game of tag that happened right after the hippie witch got stuck in her own personal "8th grade biology dissection of a frog" hell.

It would seem like black humor, but I think it's not meant to be. It's just poor writing.

Take for instance how the redheaded hag/nag says that the new supreme witch can't have a "Whitewater scandal" to be a blemish on her new leadership.

So, she demands to be burned alive in the most soap opera dramatic and laughable way possible to the Stevie Nicks music that's playing throughout the show (the show even begins like a Stevie Nicks music video. *rolls eyes*).

Since the new Coven is going public (kind of like a corporation joining the New York Stock exchange and opening all their books up, or whatever), one would think that committing an act of murder (the witch burning) might somehow leak out and be frowned upon eventually leading to scandal.  

Anyway, that aside, "The Axe Man" and "Fiona" carry the show with their charisma and moody moments together, as usual.

We get another feel good ending, for some reason, because that's horror, according to the producers of this show and the Fox musical GLEE.

Why are these guys pretending to do horror?

I did appreciate Fiona's return from the dead, before dying again (Ha), reminding me of Interview With A Vampire's scene where Tom Cruise crawls out of the swamp after being gatorbait left for dead by his gloomy boyfriend and porcelain doll daughter.

Also, in closing, Fiona's version of hell was quite fitting and moody compared to the pretentious and childish versions of hell for all the other characters.

For example; the annoying good teenager chick's hell beat out the annoying bad teenager chick's hell for level of awfulness.

And that was an accomplishment.

The bad chick's hell was being stuck on a Hollywood musical that she didn't like. *Snot*

The good chick's hell was having her James Dean wannabe boyfriend breaking up with her every day. *Vomit*

I guess hell is happening here on earth for every emo 16 year old all the time.

I have already wasted too many words on most of this pile stinky fish guts.*

running from around 1 1/2 stars a lot of the time up to 2 1/2 stars at different moments

==========================================================================

"Sacred Cow Halloween Special" circa 1993 (All Hallow's Eve? Why not? It's June) *Early 1990s public access tv special featuring a lot of low-fi indie music videos from bands who don't give a shit and live call in guests to the hosts and Bill Hicks in hell. Plus the legend, Bill Hicks, pulls out the home video footage of where he stood in the neighboring cow pasture, and ranted about the government, while Janet Reno rolled tanks with flamethrowers through the walls of a crazy cult so that they could charbroil children. Yep, have a happy trick r' Summer treat and roast in the heat.* more than 2 1/2 stars

"Beyond Belief" =================================

*Early 90s Nickelodeon took time to educate kids, where modern Nick tries to sell them tweeny bopper pop star insipid kid sitcoms.

Stories here include:

The City of the Dead that lies beneath Paris.

History lesson about how the Greeks burned half the Roman, enemy, fleet using solar energized shields.

Sadly poetic tale of The Elephant Man and his time in a London hospital.

Important message about conservation and protecting endangered animals. "Don't cut down the rainforest." Man, I have fond memories of "earth friendly" science lessons during my childhood school years. A really hopeful, positive time.

We visit the Cabaret Mechanical Theater featuring robotic dolls & toys (creepy and cool).

Some funny laws, around the world, are discussed like the illegal carrying of ice cream cones in your pocket in Kentucky and so on.

Cursed opera causes God to smite anyone the opera singer looks at while singing, "Oh, God smash him!"

We meet a 17 year old autistic genius artist who can draw any London monument or building. Autism was still misunderstood, greatly, during this time.

A visit to an old magician's backyard where he displays to us a new, old trick.

Finally, it's a history lesson about Westerners reluctance at first and then being sold on the idea and practice of embalming the corpses of their loved ones for funeral display.

Great stuff.

-Classic commercials include:

Scram Ball, "the hot new game."

Bubble tape, the bubble gum that's hard for grandma to eat.

Murray mountain bikes are so rugged that they can help a 10 year old outrun his 16 year old bro's pickup truck on rocky terrain.

A Fresh Prince of Bel'Air kid is tired of being told "no" so he eats Raisin Bran for some reason....

A gang of 90s tv kids have a video cam corder scavenger hunt thanks to McDonalds.*

close to 3 stars

=======================================================

Police Squad: A Substantial Gift (WLS7-Chicago) 3 - 4 - 1982 =============

*First we get a commercial for a home electronics and appliance store. Man, the 70s and early 80s had such an ugly color decor thing going on. Putrid greens, tans, yellows, and dingy greys going on everything from fridges to stoves to dishwashers to carpet to vaccuumcleaners. Some nice pics of walls of the very popular, at the time, ghetto blaster boom boxes (nice).

 "Blast From The Past," Saturday at 6:30 featuring a dapper dude brushing his wavy hair and a go go chick hula hooping. The 80s were really nostalgic for the 50s.

And, now with a flashing red siren we're told we'll be watching Police Squad "In Color."  The show starts out with a woman who's being stuck for cash by a crooked orthodonist. Ha. She kills her loan clerk boyfriend and frames a poor sap trying to get the loan in a double homicide.

A hazy looking Loren cosmetics commercial

followed by a movie trailer for the insipid Oscar bait movie "On Golden Pond."

Leslie Nielsen shows up to the crime, knocking over trash cans with his cop car. Funny sight gag of the meat wagon boys taking out an extra, extra long body on an extra, extra long stretcher. They find a way to work in the old type "Who's on first!?" joke to her formal statement of the crime.

The forensic lab guy is a wacko.

A visit to the victim's wife, and Nielsen rambles on about himself (ha) during her grief.

The killer dame shows up to give her official statement looking like an obvious fink in a new fur coat and feathered boa.

We get a funny scene where one cop's so tall his head is off camera.

"Crisp and clean" "No Caffeine" "Never had it, never will." "Feelin' up with 7 'Up."

A pretty model girl walks around fields of amber grains waving while sporting a "Cover Girl Face."

 Benson & Open All Night are part of the ABC Friday Night line up.

Lieutenant Nielsen re-enacts the crime by actually shoothing his fellow officers, leaving a pile of bodies while he ponders the crime. Ha.

Cops and Priests (What do you know about life after death? *hands over a 20$*) seek confidential information from a shoe shine man.

Medieval orthodontist gear is highlighted via willingly happy kids wearing headgear. Leslie does some dental exam physical comedy.

Some oblivious cops sight gags in an elevator. Clever stuff.

Showdown with the dirty dame featuring bad wigs and a bullet filled Mexican standoff from a couple feet away from each other behind trash cans and a sidewalk bus bench. Bullhorn "Give it up!" warning from just as close a length.

New Aim mint is the talk of the whiteboy locker room..

Sexy as heck, and wet in a pool, Lynda Carter likes her lips "wet." Mmmmmm

Stay Tuned for Bossom Budies and "Night of 100 Stars"

Old school, syndicated television. Can't beat it.*

3 stars

=========================================================================

MTV's Ridiculousness with special guest Dr. Drew Pinsky *Normally this poor kid's America's Funniest Home Videos for skateboard wiggers, hosted by a skateboard wigger & his black friend & his airheaded blonde friend, would get zero stars for its unfunny commentary on outdated extreme sports accident videos and mishap/ prank videos.... but since quack pop-psychiatry tv celebrity "doctor" Drew is on here and giving insight into the social problems many of these fools, in these foolish videos, do happen to supposedly have... Well, it's more absurd and tolerable.* close to 2 stars

"Five Fingers Of Death" *It's the formula tale of bullies terrorizing a town, and the heroes finally standing up to them. It could be a western, an 80s surfing/ski resort movie, but here it's a Shaw brothers kung fu flick. Many hipsters will recognize the Kill Bill music that Tarantino stole from this film.* 3 stars

Tom Green's Subway Monkey Hour --2002-- *Tom Green will probably always be infamous for the terrible "Freddy Got Fingered," and he deserves it. This hour long MTV special featuring Tom being the weirdest Westerner possibly ever in Japan is way better than that awful Hollywood mistake of a "movie." In fact, it's a dozen times more interesting than the Jackass movies that borrow the skit after skit format of this special. Add an extra thirty minutes of footage from this trip to Japan, which I'm sure they had, and it would have been a better choice to be released in movie theaters instead of "Freddy Got Fingered."* close to 3 stars

Tales From The Crypt: Lover Come Hack To Me *Car trouble on a desolate road on the honeymoon night. The couple seeks shelter in an old-dark-house. There's a cozy fireplace with a big, medieval axe hanging above it. A storm is raging outside. The bride is a strange, little virgin. The groom is a sleazy bohunk acting surprised to have found a 45 magnum in his glove box. She wonders if he married her for the money (no surprise, he did). Bloody memories haunt the place same as their "romance." It's the perfect setting for mur-der (*Thunder & Lightning!*)...* 3 stars

Six Feet Under: The Will *Diving board death. Pyramid scheme. Backstreet Boy look-a-like douchey boyfriend. Meeting of gay firemen. Breaking up with Ed Begley Jr. Blackmail from beyond the grave. Selling a slightly used coffin at a discount rate. Burning someone's name into your flesh. Buyout offer. Emotional breakdown on the bus that killed the father. Toe suck.* close to 3 stars

100 Bullets: The Counterfifth Detective (Vertigo Comics) *Piano bar without a piano player. A private dick wrapped up like the Invisible Man. Stolen art with codes from one's past. A damaging echo.* between 2 1/2 & 3 stars

Justified: Season 1 Episode 5 *The cowboy's pa is an outlaw.* 3 stars

American Gothic: Resurrector *Going away presents for a ghost and a sacrifice to the devil.* close to 3 stars

Kung Fu: Nine Lives *"Find a cat or be a tramp all your life." "Dark and vain are the ways of lust, the poet said." or something of that nature...* 3 stars

"Master of the Flying Guillotine" *A bloody martial arts tournament, where every fighter has a unique gimmick or style, is interrupted by a badass villain using his flying guillotine to pull the heads off of every one armed boxer that he finds until he gets his revenge. He finds out that he's not as badass as the real one armed boxer. This flick had to have had a huge influence on both Street Fighter 2 and Mortal Kombat.* 3 stars

Doctor Who: The Satan Pit *A claustrophobic, high stakes sci fi story similar to The Thing, Leviathan, and Alien.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

"Horror Express" (Christopher Lee & Peter Cushing) *It's about time, some cryptozoology monster goodness. Finding Bigfoot type nonsense has almost killed the fun in this fantasy genre. It helps that this movie is Hammer horror style and has Lovecraftian-dread overtones.* 3 stars

Gerhard's America: Gerhard at NASCAR *Gerhard finds he has a lot in common with effeminate racer Michael Waltrip.* close to 2 1/2 stars

------ TV Carnage:

*A Lot Of Men Collect Barbie Dolls: "It's a professional hobby, now." Nothing weird, at all here.* 2 stars

*A Woman's Guide To Guns and Hallucinating: Learn about your weapon, instead of fantasizing about it.* close to 2 stars

*Aids = Hump Day Poison!: The 80s were all about high risk behavior.* close to 2 1/2 stars

*Child Actor Failures: Are you being rigid enough or in some cases too rigid with your little gold-mine?* close to 3 stars

*Damn Shame: It's a shame that white boy thugs get gunned down every day. Call America's Most Wanted or Yo! MTV Raps with any info on the possible killer.* 2 1/2 stars

---------------------------------------

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs: Big Trouble In Little China

*Joe Bob pokes fun at the culture of addiction.

We learn about Carter Wong, the martial arts expert who stars in the movie. Amazing credits to his kung fu game.

Preview for TNT's new classic "The Golden Child" starring Eddie Murphy

quirky KIA suv car commercial from 1998 featuring cliche gator hunting / swamp loving Cajuns who'd be the type in reality shows more than a decade later. It's funny here, sort of, but tiresome if you live in this era of bad reality tv "real folk" like this.

preview for Jacki Chan's "Rumble in the Bronx" and its American cable tv debut on TNT

a yuppy mom tries to stuff a pizza into her toaster, but doesn't have to anymore because some processed junk food company invented toaster pizza snacks. "White lady/mom problems"

Kim Cattral is gorgeous, in this movie, and not an old whore who'd make you swear off women like she would after her Sex in the City days

SNL's Weekend Update anchor Kevin Nealon sells out for a collect call "so 90s it hurts" advertisement. One good thing about cell phones is that these ads disappeared

Joe Bob's Drive In Totals for this flick: 57 dead bodies... One kidnapping... Four motor vehicle chases... One wheelchair chase... One White-Slavery Ring... Yellow-Slavery Ring... One Machine Gun Massacre... One Machete Battle... Multiple Blue Finger-Flame... One Zombie-fied Levitating 2,000-Year-Old Man With Really Bad Fingernails... Exploding Building...Exploding Temple... Knife To The Forehead... One Ocean of Chained Skeletons... One Palace Of Golden Buddhas... Poison Gas... Nine Kung Fu Scenes...

Racquelle Welch in One Million BC, another drive in classic, next week on Monstervision

Some Hollywood stunt-men cowboys beat the shit out of each other for a Pontiac "Montana" minivan. Sure, why not?

Soulful 70s singer-songwriter Aflac family insurance ad, family station wagon Tru Value helpful employee kidnapping ad, Home Depot helpful employees..., some bruthas turn a stranger's need for directions into a roadtrip down the road for some McDonalds.... 90s commercials tried to be really feel good, but come off very insipid

"Tired of Phony Psychics?" Generic graphics of lightning strikes and huge yellow background typed letters plus a doe eyed weirdo lady claiming to have certified psychics for her phone network.... "Guaranteed Authentic by the U.S. Govt." HAAAA.... wow! what a claim!

Joe Bob pines about how there aren't perfect women in the world, and how guys give up women over nail color, comparing it to the plot of the movie being about the search for a perfect, green eyed Chinese chick

Then, Joe Bob skewers the politically correct critics, of this movie, who said that Big Trouble re-enforced Asian stereotypes.

Kitschy style Miller Lite commercial where four old ladies try to contact the spirit of one lady's dead husband. He's a slab, of course, and comes back to life, possessing the body of one of her friends, raiding the fridge for beer and scratching his (her) ass. She's overjoyed.

Kellog's Breakfast Mates... A commercial that's basically saying, "Let corporate America continue to "raise" your children." It's convenient.

Joe Bob teaches us about Kurt Russell's ties to Elvis and Disney and John Carpenter

TNT updates its Monstervision website "once a week." Current people and websites, of the internet(s), update every second of the day. Waiting a week for something new is almost as painful as the information (nonsense) overload of right now.

Dennis Miller is in line at a hipster coffe shop complaining about the price of "a cup of Joe" and the price of collect calls. If he sounds like a cranky and out of touch old man here, wait til a decade later where he's rambling incoherently to his best pal Mr.Bill O'Reilly on Fox News.

Two 90s alterna-chicks having a conversation: "One day we'll meet, marry, and have cyber sex with the man of our dreams online." Robert Englud cameo in Dee Snider's Strangeland

Joe Bob points out that there's a "not so incognito" Penthouse Pet in this flick

TNT Mail Girl Reno gets asked to how much it would take to "get nekkid" by Joe Bob, and then he reads an angry letter from an upset liberal who loves freedom so much that he wants to ban free speech that he doesn't like by calling it "hatred." Ha. Joe Bob made a joke about "killing liberals" or something and this guy got his feelings hurt. Boo hoo.

Joe Bob rips TNT a new asshole for taking an awful commercial break, featuring about 14 insipid 90s "feel good" commercials, during the EPIC kung fu finale. Being on TNT, and not too late in the night unlike TNT's 100% Weird, Monstervision suffered some really lame commercials. USA UP All Night usually had more lame B movies instead of good B movies, yet they featured a lot more entertaining and sleazy commercials compared to Monstervision Other, late night basic cable and UHF B movies had better commercials than TNT as well. Fucking TNT. So schmaltzy and sickening. You watch a weird, late night movie, you want weird late night commercials, and you want them not to interrupt the best part of the movie. You don't want a great kung fu scene stopped to have five minutes of sepia toned artsy cinematography of elderly couples slow dancing in the shadow of the Brooklyn bridge while romantic piano music plays and there's a warm feeling about life insurance or some crap.

Roll Credits.*

3 stars for Big Trouble (For fun and memorable characters, it's to the 80s what A New Hope was to the 70s) 3 stars for Joe Bob and 1 star for TNT's bullstuff

---------------------------------------------------------------------

--- Found Footage Fest:

*Caught In The Web, Staying Safe in Cyberspace: Surfin' with a cyber sleuth and stopping smut and sickos both online and in the real world. If any of this is actually real.* close to 3 stars

*Check It Out _ Acne Video: "Hip" teen talk show infomercial about bogus zits.* 2 1/2 stars

*Chef Keith _ Fake Chef Pranks Morning TV Shows: You can make one of those creepy smiling talking head news morning show hosts believe that "The average person eats around a pound and a half of feces a year." HA! Most of the feces comes from morning talks shows.* 3 stars

*Christian Rock Video Showdown: We're all a wiener slash loser with these bands that are a even more soft rock cross between Journey, Foreigner, Kenny Loggins, and a hairy butt.* close to 3 stars

*John and Johnny and Earrings: Homeshopping host is giddy about seashell earrings.* close to 2 stars

--------------------------------

Fargo: The Six Ungraspables *There are no saints in the animal kingdom, only breakfast... lunch.. and dinner.* 3 stars

Gerhard Reinke's America: Gerhard Reinke in Burlington, Vermont *Home of laidback liberals and Lochness lizards.* 2 1/2 stars

Vanity Fair, Confidential: Mad About the Boys *Lou Pearlman loved to hear singing from voices that hadn't yet gone through puberty. He also loved hot air balloons and ponzi schemes. No surprise that the super-rich sponsor of a creepy cult of child entertainers was not-so-secretly a pig-man spawn of Satan himself.* 2 1/2 stars

X Files: Born Again *Mustache'd cop working Chinatown. He gets killed by some shady colleagues. Years later, he returns as a very gloomy little-girl with special powers and vengeance on her(his) mind.* close to 3 stars

The Prisoner: Checkmate *On a wing and a prayer and unfortunately an air of authority.* 3 stars

----- TV Carnage:

*Dr. Drew and MTV Got Cold Feet: Could be worse. Could be dead like Corey Haim and his girlfriend. Killed by Brigette Nielsen, Stallone and Flava Flav's ex.* close to 2 stars

*TV Carnage: Dixie Carter Death Trip: Designing women to be strangely obnoxious.* 2 stars

*Even His Scream Is Bad Acting: Bohunk (Dumb goodlooking American guy. Not the dictionary definition which insults someone from Europe.) slasher victim.* close to 2 1/2 stars

*Give Head Responsibly: Consult your doctor before giving or receiving.* 2 1/2 stars

*God Gives A Second Chance To Anyone. It's In His Book: Especially to those with a Pat Boone singing style and a new book coming out about second chances.* close to 2 1/2 stars

-----------------------------------------

Hannibal: Sorbet *Hannibal has a stalker/fan/wannabe BFF who compares him to Michael Jackson. Meanwhile, Hannibal keeps recipes of people on their business cards.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Look Around You: Music (season 2) *The show's format has completely changed to an in studio info / variety presentation, and while it's no longer the mock science docu-series that it started out as, it's still silly and clever. Plus, it's longer at a half hour.* 2 1/2 stars

Game of Thrones: Season 3 Episode 9 *This show is good and shockingly heavy, as usual, but I watch it in a way that would more than frustrate diehard fans. I'm seasons behind where everyone else is, and I have no concern as to when I see the next chapter.* 3 stars

Shaw Brothers: Executioners from Shaolin *At the heart of this movie is a dysfunctional kung fu family. On the wedding night, the groom can't get the bride's legs open because her crane style is too strong. Mother teaches son crane style kung fu and they playfully use it even when she's trying to wash the family's clothes. Dad can't even sit down to a good meal, because son wants to test dad's tiger style kung fu.* 3 stars

[iimmcrtalis-archive]

DA verse

a summary post of all my active muses verse(s) in dragon age because i’m f EELING IT BOYS. except terry for rn bc it’ll be Hard. one day. gonna try and go in a from least knowledge bout their verse to extensive knowledge of ‘em so. ayy

this is a pretty long post i apologize to those on mobile!!

Nova; mage(???), human ( ? ), possibly a distant noble

probably a mage? because blue space magic is her jam. though she’s actually more of a combat & tech. she was like well rounded in that regard so i’m considering iunno??? battlemage maybe w/ lockpicking who knows. she’s a sneaky mage that can stab u real good.

would probably also assume she’s pretty good as inquisitor because she would treat it as her role and thing she still has to bare and takes it seriously. like nova is no nonsense as inquisitor but absolute nonsense when she’s not playing that role lmao. 

Morgan; mage?? human af ye. defo a noble blood t BH. 

i unno man. iunno. is he a mage? yeah probably. would he be a legit battlemage + arcane warrior? probably. Would i say he uses a real sword? pro b ab ly. like listen he’s a beefy mage who wears normal armor and probably looks like a fckn non mage but bOOM SUDDENLY LIGHTNING FROM HIS HAND W H AT 

iunno he’s a mage and he’s aggressive as FUCKKKK. aggro as fuck. probably sides withhh iunno both he’d want both and think it’s wasted potential to only have one lmao. iunno he’s hard to figure out man. he’d ultimately probably be like templars because actual ppl who know how to fight. but also wouldn’t wanna condemn the mageS??? so who knows who knows. 

anyways he probably likes blackwall and the iron bull and viv and cass?? and just ye. chills w/ them a lot probably. probably would flirt w/ cass tho god. butw/e no he’s uhhhh real aggressive as a fckn inquisitor like every body getting beheaded. except a few probably.. he would probably make uh... whats his name... tranquil tbh. worse fate than death that yes he would wish on his enemies bc otherwise they get what they want & too risky otherwise. 

Igne; old af elf, probably an assassin combo w/ magic??

like listen if you tell me that they can’t be both ima fckn punt u bc really that’s dumb. defeats the point of multiclassing in the fantasy genre of g am es. anyways really tho they’re old. old as balls. probably? iunno. probably served like... andruil for a while or somethin! got a lil lil corrupted but didn’t want it and wanted freedom so they were like FUCK THIS SHIT IM OUTTIE 

how’d they live? no idea. not a single clue bc i just don’t know jackshit bout ancient elf shit anymore (when did i ever) but honestly. it’s probably a thing right? old af elves everywhere. but no no they’d probably even annoy sera bc like they’re literally?? nonsense. violent af nonsense. hanging off a roof with a fckn potato in their mouth & lookin ready to murder. 

it’s a look™  but nah thinkin that u hhh corruption shit is probably what gave them a red eye ayyy

inquisitor igne is like dagger eyes at solas but doesn’t snitch on him ever not even once. she’s got his back man. she’d be like cool i’ll plaY BOTH SIDES SUre. sure. no mercy run on ppl tho god 

EVELYN / ISENE; old af elf. got that fckn combo again

it’s a theme really, combo classes. all my muses? multiclassed fuckers.  for a detailed everything, please refer to her old blog bc this is gonna be a stupid summary of it so ayyy.

old as dicks dude. lost her arm in the rebellion, against the rebellion. served elgar’nan because he fits her the most tbh. still sort of serves him i guess. like if he showed up she wouldn’t hesitate to follow his orders is what i mean here. otherwise she keeps up the facade of being a former dalish elf mercenary. and definitely doesn’t shy away from admitting she’s got magic. never calls herself a mage because  like lmao 

she has a fckn big ol sword she carries around one handed? and if ur like UR JUST A MAGE she’s gonna use said big ol sword to chop ur head off. not a fan of modern mages tho lmao. at all. like not a lot of sympathy for them. but she would also just kick a circles door in and be like cool leave gtfo you weaklin lil fucks jfc go learn somethin. 

would fight solas in a denny’s parking lot at 2am if she knew jack shit. but she really doesn’t so she’s like ur weird and i dont trust you  butyeah lm ao

Eludysia; ngl i unno if she’s old old but she’s Old. Old seer lady. 

honestly i think she’s not gonna have much of a da verse in general but it exists enough that i feel like i should cover it here. but essentially she’s an old elf seer in rivain. leader of a port side town. No chantry or qunari around its a lot of elves tho. refugees and what not from kirkwall and stuff. 

i unno if she’s an ancient elf but i know she’s old. like real old. so who knows

if she is ancient she probably woulda been like a priestess to ?? falon’din or dirthamen??? because seer shit but like even in a current state she’s fairly devoted to on e o f them or both? probably both lmao. so it’s w/e. 

she’s the former keeper of the clan revas got sent to, which is where revas’ mom is also from and how she gets to that clan. but she was keeper of the clan for like.. a long time like a long time. like that bald fuck from da:o  but without plaguing people with a curse. iunno how she did it but magic and better than that shit. 

more important if revas is inquisitor because lmao she’d probably be like.. welp im gonna come guide you?? probably.   shit she’s probably like emerald knights old tho shit but no fuckin!!! probably comes to be an advisor. 

i think if u go revas as commander/advisor or inquisitor in a thread eludysia’s probs gonna show up and be like sup  but otherwise she’s mainly just a contact in rivain for info and resources!! no special quest or anything u can just contact her for stuff. 

Warren; half-elf, half-qunari. big man w/ a bow.

&& a thick af accent let’s be real here. 

i haven’t made a post about his shit yet so! this one might be a lil longer!! 

grew up in/around starkhaven. in an alienage somewhere really! but he’s got that starkhaven accent. probably just fumbled his way there because honestly he got fucking ditched by his people and has no idea who his parents are lmao. just knows his mom died during child birth and he was fuckin cursed essentially via his?? clan or something. that qunari bit of him is real obvious as his horns grew out and probably had a harsh life in an alienage. 

because he’s not an elf. but he’s not human. and he’s not a qunari. so he’s just. him. 

eventually falls in with some ppl who teach him to steal. so he does a lot and then gets busted and they fckn break his horns off and chop his ears!!! and throw him the fuck out. as you do. but they taught him to use a bow so he’s good with that. and knives. good at close quarters and a long range.

gets better with a bow. real top knotch stuff. ends up in a mercenary crew (same one as qunari inquisitor? probably.) enjoys his merc lifestyle ya know has a good time killin shit 

anyways. companion warren is p much like ‘Strength & force.’ because he has no tact and doesn’t care about politics. like one day i’ll have his approval / disapproval shit. but today is not that day.

but the same applies to his inquisitor shit. he’s fucking brutal as an inquisitor. cares about the little people but FUCK the rich. takes the well for himself ( tho if i would also say revas is there bc i can and she’d take it) but generally just!! give him power and let him kill shit!! that’s all he cares about. tho he wouldn’t kill samson or calpernia bc he doesn’t see them as enemies or villains truly? just pawns in a big scheme and he’d probably stare corypheus in the face and be like get fucked you saggy fuck 

he’s great, great guy. 

Revas: Keeper. Dreamer. Dalish elf. 

literally like most people know Revas’ Dragon Age basics!! but if you don’t i’ll just direct you to her old blog, so you know what’s up.  i’ll put it into a summary the best i can tho! 

Backstory: short and simple? #fucked.  expanded? she was born to the lavellan clan to one of the head hunters & warriors. ended up having magic so she was sort of training to become second, or first, till her moms old clan was like hey we need a new first so uhhhh help us out. and they traded some goods and revas went on her way. ended up being a fucked up situation where the previous first was murdered by two clanmates who eventually tried ( and did) murder revas but she came back bc lmao spirit help & ended up killing them and leaving for her actions.

Dragon Age: Awakening:  full page about it Takes place shortly after this event happened. she lived on her own for awhile, protecting people as much as she could from darkspawn during the blight. ends up going to the wardens because someone doesn’t appreciate her help since she’s a Mage.     The choices made by the warden in regards to her effect how she becomes a warden and the rest of the timeline. Sort of a branch off feel. highly recommend taking a look at the page and also this post. 

DA 2:  If not in the Awakening verse, Revas travels around to the clans. becoming a traveling keeper & helping the clans the best she can. As well as finding ruins and exploring man memories from lost objects. Eventually finds her way to Kirkwall to actually speak with Merrill. But some other shenanigans play out and some stuff goes down. Ends up helping in the fight at the end and leaving with Zevran ( @allurfavesrqueer‘s zevran only lmao. )

DA:I     Companion: Shows up in fereldan with some tree peeps. gets some elvhen shit. offers her services to the inquisition bc that’s what her spirit told her to do. and ya know real fucky. shares some approvals as solas but usually has some pretty contrasting opinions on things! Will defo take on the role of like older sibling or sibling figure with the inquisitor if they’re close enough. Be kind to elves & mages and you’re good.  ( also she’s an option to take the well if the inquisitor doesn’t want it) 

   Advisor: Takes up an offer by the inquistor to become an advisor which is more or less her using her network with the elves around the countries to do certain objectives and what not. acts a bit like an ambassador for the elves & mages in the meetings to give them a voice and remind the human board of trusteeeess that they’re fucking not the only ones around :)) 

  Commander: Mainly with @desiderrium‘s Cullen. Basically Revas takes over for Cullen? at his request kinda because she’s like what the fuck you’re whAT. and gets pissed at everyone else for keeping him on when he’s Not Okay even if she’d rather kick his teeth in 99% of the time. why revas take over? because she’s actually p fuckin qualified, gestures vaguely towards being a first and the advisor au. like she knows how to lead ppl so ayy. 

  Inquisitor: Same ish backstory happens except her parents died to the blight and she left the clan for the other and ye same shit happens. but the clans ask her to go check shit out for them and shes like of course and gets caught up in the mess so. 

ALRIGHTY !! 

so that got long but yea!! hopefully this is a more condensed version of stuff and good for reference later. 

[voidselfshipp]

Second chances

Cw: food ment ask to tag.

Ok to rb.

Summmary: The Deep thought that there were no second chances in his life...he was soon to be proven the opposite by life itself

She doesnt really know why she was here in the first place.

Oceanland was just like any other water related attraction but with animals.

After the dolphin show she sat by on the big pool, caressing the dolphins head.

--He likes you-- said a Man sitting with her.

She recognized him, he was The Deep,she'd had a couple run Ins with him but he wouldnt recognize him in her civilian clothes.

--he says that youre great-- added the hero.

She smiles-- well, thank you mr dolphin

Kevin smiled, and ushered the animal to leave-- you like sea animals?

--i love them, I just came here because a friend dragged me along but this is fine, I miss the Ocean so much

He stands up-- wanna uh walk through the aquarium with me?

She stands up-- Id love to

As they walk the corridors, Deep greets several animals around him, but she stops at the sight of an octopus.

--oh look at you-- she whispered putting her hand on the glass.

The octopi swims closer and copies her.

--hes Octavio,get it ? Octo-- never mind...

She giggled--thats perfect

The Man chuckles-- he wants to know your name

--im lazaro-- answered she.

--he thinks youre cute-- said deep.

--you or him?

Kevin laughed nervously-- both

-- thats nice of you two, hey, wanna get a bite?

--yes im starving actually, right this way

She takes his arm and with rosy cheeks he walks with her to the cafeteria/foodpark part of the place.

They order and sit down.

--you said you loved the sea?-- asked the hero

-- oh thats a can of worms you shouldnt have opened-- joked lazaro-- since I was a kid, the water was mudy and the sand was brown, but ive always felt the Ocean as my home, I love the fauna, I love the whole ecosystem, my favourite animal is the octopus...its a weird connection I have to the sea as if--

--it called you?-- kevin hesitantly.

--exactly that!

He chuckles-- it happends the same to me, maybe one day we could go for a swim yeah?

--theres nothing id like more

Their food eventually came and of course Deep had to go back to work.

--Here,take my number, call me later yeah?

He nodds--hey i had a good time today

-- me too

Lazaro kisses kevins cheek, and patted his arm-- hasta luego!-- said she walking to the exit.

He stands there smiling, shoving the card somewhere where it wouldnt get wet and went back to work.

Its probably late night when he texts her.

|| hey uh its me deep, you can uh call me Kevin actually||

Lazaro smiled and replied the text, ending up awake all night.

The Next day neither of them could get out of bed.

Yet the only thing that did manage to pull them out of their covers was their arranged date.

The beach was barren to say the least, lazaro hugged Kevin tightly-- hey!

The Man smiled widely, hugging back -- hey whats up?

-- ready for a swim?-- asked she.

--oh more than ready!

They deep dived in the sea, and jumped out when lazaro was getting breathless

He held her tightly lifting her up-- you okay?

--thanks to you I am

He laughs-- im The Deep, its my duty to save people

--well thank you

She puts her hands agains this chest and he leans in.

She presses a soft kiss against his lips.

--well its the first time someone thanks me like that-- flirted Deep.

-- I dont Belive you

--Okay maybe not the first one, but this is the first time someone is that gentle

She giggles and nodds-- fair enough

--wanna swim Back to the shore?

--yeah lets get going

He dives under the water and she holds on to him, he speeds through the water fast, washing up to shore in less than a minute.

Then months passed, its already late at night, and deep is almost passed out on lazaros couch.

--laz?-- called Kevin patting the spot besides him.

--yeah coming..let me hand you this

They went for a late night swim, and cold as they got they sped home.

--here you go

Kevin sits up, taking the very cute fish themed mug-- youre a saint

-- not really-- she chuckled sitting with him

-- no no, you are, God, youre so kind,knowing all the shit I got into, all the bad shit I did, youre so kind to me

--i dont give second chances, youre worth it-- she said sitting closer.

He snorts-- you remind me of someone

-- hmm? Who?

--ever heard of RiotGirl? That slightly annoying super whose always contradicting Homelander?

--hmm I should know her-- she chuckled.

--should...whait...wha...oh my god -- it finally clicked for him and his heart dropped-- I I did not mean to call you annoying youre not I just ...

-- kev, relax dude Its--

He hugs her tightly, she sighs patting his back-- im not mad come on

Deep nodds drinking from his mug-- well, now I know...-- Theres a pause, And a silence.

He looks away-- hey d d dyou remember that girl that I talked you about...the fin...thingy...

--oh that bitch, yeah why?

He leaves the mug on the table and takes off his belt-- do you...think they are ugly?

--why? Of course not

He chuckled sarcastically-- you havent seen em

A gentle hand presses against his thigh, and gives it a squeeze, he sniffs.

-- they wouldnt be ugly

--Then would they make you like me any less?

--what? Of course not!

He sighed taking off the top part of his costume-- then help me with this, I think a rock slashed right under them

Lazaro runs to the bathroom snatching the first aid chastising Him for not telling her sooner, Kevin laughs letting her take care of him

He then stiffens as he feels her hands against his skin, she stiched him up Gently, wrapping the bandage carefully.

--There we go -- she leans back and looks at him-- they arent ugly kev

He looks at her with puppy dog eyes-- really?

--they are part of you and I love them equally as I do you-- she sits closer-- im sorry you had to go through that, is there anything I can do to make you feel better

He hugs her tightly, sobbing in her neck-- I dont deserve you

--no ,no ,you do

--laz--

--kev! Im serious! Man, come on now-- she lifts his chin up-- you know I dont give second chances

--yeah..-- responded he.

--and I give you one wich means

--im...im worth it

--so?

He chuckles back a sob and cleans his tears-- I do deserve you

-- besides, your Guills Are the cooles fucking thing ive ever seen

He smiled taking a deep breath, the remaining Air whistles through his fins.

-- see thats adorable-- adorable

--hey slow down hotshot Next thing youll know ill--

She kissed him and both fall on the couch, her hands holding his, her knees around his waist.

--Youll what?

He looks away, blushing-- you beated me to it

She kisses his cheek sitting up, he smile kissing her hands.

--thank you

--you dont need to just one thing

--yeah?

--let me fight that bitch in a Dennis parking lot

--why a Dennis?

--idk I just wanna kick her ass

He chuckles-- alright then, dont get hurt

--And...I May or May not have found a way to rescue the animals at Ocean land

He gasps sitting up and smashing his lips against hers-- oh I love you so much!! I could just eat you up!

She laughs-- come on its better if we sneak em out at night

He puts on his shirt and both run to the van.

He accompanies the animals to Open water and all soaking wet takes the warm towel off her hands.

--laz youre the best

--no kev, you are -- she kissed him-- now lets bolt before the cops come find Us

--Good idea-- answered he getting in the van with her, driving off into the night.

[radioleary-blog]

Donald Trump vs. Herbert Hoover vs. Back to The Future Part III

Okay, he’s the worst ever. President Trump is the worst President we’ve ever had, in my lifetime at least. To find a President that could even compete with Trump for the title of worst President ever, you’d have to get in a time-traveling Delorean and go back about a century. But I wouldn’t recommend you do that, some say that time-traveling in a car powered by a flux capacitor can possibly lead to Parkinson’s disease, especially if you do it for three movies. But the evidence for that is...shaky. Hey, why did those ‘Back To The Future’ films successively get so much worse? Couldn’t producer Robert Zemeckis just get in the Delorean and go forward in time to read the godawful reviews? If only Biff Tannen had stolen a movie guide instead of a sports almanac, he could have saved Universal Studios the 40 million dollars it spent making ‘Back To The Future Part III’. Wow, what a disaster! You know, I recently saw an ad for some network TV show where a team of intrepid multi-culti adventurers go back in time to save the Hindenburg from exploding, but I think ‘Back To The Future III’ may have been the bigger disaster. Yes, the Hindenburg was terrible, sure, but it all happened pretty quick. Whereas ‘Back To The Future III’ has a running time of two hours! Two hours of watching Teen Wolf and the stoner from Taxi yuk it up in the old West. “Oh, the inanity!”

You probably don’t even remember the movie. That's understandable, it’s a normal human response to block out cinematic traumas like that. To access those repressed bad-movie memories you’d need years of psychotherapy and hypnotic regression. Or basic cable. First of all, who would take a time machine and go back to the Old West? Nobody in their right mind, that’s who. Not even Dr. Who. It was about as bad a place and time as there was. All you could get in the Old West was syphilis or a gunshot wound. The Old West was even worse than Kanye West, he’d probably only give you one of those things.

If you could time travel to the far off future, why would you go back and watch a prospector fall down an abandoned mineshaft? You can watch Leonardo da Vinci paint the Mona Lisa, or you could go watch two drunk cowboys shoot each other for cheating at cards. Actually, that still happens quite often. No time travel necessary, just a bus ticket to Reno.

That’s why I don’t get this Westworld. That’s the place you want to re-create and populate with robots? I could think of dozens of better robot theme parks. Here’s one, how about Hugh Hefner’s Playboy Mansion circa 1974? Hanging out with James Caan, a metric ton of cocaine, and every aspiring centerfold on the west coast sounds like a lot more fun than sitting in the middle of a train robbery shoot-out. Where am I, Chicago? But that’s just me, I guess.  Want another great robot idea? How about a robot theme park of the cast of Seinfeld. That would be awesome! I would so go, we’d all go! And they’d all be there, not just Jerry, George, Kramer, and Elaine, but everybody. Mr. Pitt. Tim Watley. Jackie Chiles, Lloyd Braun, Kenny Bania, and of course, Uncle Leo. The bubble boy and Izzy Mandelbaum. “Mandelbaum! Mandelbaum!” Let me know when they build it and I will date the robot Sue Ellen Mischke, the bra-less woman who caused a car accident. She may not be real, but they’re spectacular! Serenity now!

But I digress.

As I was saying, no one would time travel to the Old West.

If somebody actually had a time machine, the conversation would go something like this: “Hey, I have this time machine, and it’s all gassed up with bananas peels and deadly radiation or whatever the hell it runs on, where do you think we should go?”

“We can go anywhere in time? How about we check out a Jimi Hendrix concert! Let’s go see Jimi’s legendary set at Woodstock! Or the Fillmore East, 1970, that’s maybe his best concert ever! C’mon! Hendrix!! Either that or maybe we go back in time and check out Jesus! I’d be cool with that, too, either Jesus or Jimi Hendrix! Which one do you want to go see?”

“Well, I don’t know about you, but I don’t think I’m worthy to be in the presence of God. So let’s go see Jesus.”

The amazing things you could see with a time machine would blow your mind. You could go see the Great Pyramids of Giza when they were brand new, and still under warrantee. Back when they still had that new Pyramid smell. The Pyramids don’t smell so good today, now the place really Sphynx. That joke never gets old, right? Don’t Tut-Tut me. It’s like they say, mo’ mummy mo’ problems.

You could go back and see who built Stonehenge...the Druids? The Picts? Or was Stonehenge a natural formation, like the face on Mars, and Mount Rushmore.

You could go back in time to see the dinosaurs just before the comet hit, and watch them climb into their dinosaur space-ships and fly off to populate other worlds. The dinosaurs that stayed behind were either wiped out or forced to live underground, until they were discovered by Marshall, Will, and Holly on Saturday mornings in the Land of The Lost.

The spacefaring dinosaurs, over millions of years, eventually became the Gorn, a very tough race of outer-space reptilians. But they got their lizard asses kicked in about 40 minutes by Captain James Tiberius Kirk, and single-handedly. You can say what you want about William Shatner being a complete diva and an asshole to work with, but the man kicked ass and saved the galaxy about a hundred times, and he did it all without a raccoon. As far as I’m concerned, Captain Kirk earned the right to cut scenes from the other cast members just to pad his own lines. Live long and fuck ‘em.

But I digress. I really, really digressed.

What was I talking about? Oh yeah, this damn Back to The Future III, it’s kind of haunting me, how bad this movie is. It’s a shame the time-travelers from that TV show couldn’t go back in time and save the time-traveler’s movie franchise. And what is it with time-travel being so popular on television all of a sudden? When did that happen? On TV right now, there is the time-travel show I was talking about, NBC’s Travelers. Also, Fox has Making History, Hulu has 11.22.63, The CW has Legends of Tomorrow, Syfy has 12 Monkeys, and Comedy Central has Time Traveling Bong. And I already mentioned BBC’s Dr. Who. That’s a whole lot of time travel goin’ on! There’s no way there’s enough time in the day for a person to watch all these time-travel shows, you’d actually need to use a time machine to see them all. Or a DVR, I guess.

But I digress. Stop me before I digress again. I think this blog is about politics.

Oh yeah, Donald Trump is the worst President ever.

To find another President as bad as Trump, you’d have to go back at least as far Hoover. Herbert Hoover, that is, not J. Edgar Hoover. It’s easy to confuse the two of them, the Hoovers. But where Herbert Hoover liked to address the public, J. Edgar liked to wear a dress in public. And where Herbert Hoover’s dam looked good, J. Edgar looked damn good. But much like the Hoover vacuum cleaner of that era, both of these guys completely sucked.

Was Herbert Hoover worse than Trump? Let’s compare the two men:

Herbert Hoover was orphaned at an early age. He worked hard to found his own business and became a multi-millionaire. Donald Trump? He was born with a silver spoon up his ass and inherited his multi-millionaire dad’s real estate business. He then went on to bankrupt casinos, screw over independent contractors, and force people to humiliate themselves for jobs on national TV. Oh, and he’s good at firing beauty pageant winners if they gain a few pounds, then ridiculing them in the press. Hmm. it’s close, but I think I gotta give round 1 to Hoover.

Herbert Hoover was Stanford-educated, he was an engineer. But Trump must be smarter, after all, he had his own Trump University! And if it was a phony university like the fake news says, tell me how come all those students went on to earn millions of dollars? Oh, that’s right, it was a 25 million dollar class-action lawsuit settlement he paid out to avoid having his orange ass dragged into court. Round 2, Hoover.

Herbert Hoover built Hoover Dam, one of the greatest structural engineering feats in human history. But then again, Donald Trump built a huge pyramid scheme. So, I’d call this round a draw.

Before Herbert Hoover was President,  he was in charge of enormous, complex relief operations in Europe during and after World War I. He served two Presidents as Secretary of Commerce, under both Warren G. Harding and Calvin Coolidge. Before Donald Trump was President? He was in charge of enormous, complex challenges like making Lou Ferrigno and LaToya Jackson make bagels and peddle them on the streets of Manhattan. Trump’s biggest executive decisions were made sitting in a boardroom with Dee Snider, Meatloaf, Joan Rivers, Sinbad, and Dennis Rodman. Who, sadly enough, would make far better cabinet secretaries than the ones he actually chose. Seriously, who do you think has more experience dealing with North Korean ‘weebles-wobble-but-they-don’t-fall-down’ dictator Kim Jong Un: Rex Tillerson or Dennis Rodman? Think about that one. Here’s a hint: it’s the guy with 11,954 rebounds. Dennis Rodman is the only person Trump knows who has actually sat down with ‘Lil Kim’ Jong Un, and he fired him. Now I don’t think I would trust the Worm to handle the North Korea situation by himself, but if he had Jordan, Pippen, and the rest of the 1995 Chicago Bulls with him, we’d have an NBA franchise in Pyongyang by now. And war would have to wait at least through the playoffs. Round 4, Herbert Hoover.

I think we can stop right there. It’s a K.O. at the O.K. corral. Move over, Herbert Hoover, there’s a new worst President in town.

[iamnotthedog]

THE HOH RAINFOREST: AUGUST 11-12, 2001

I walked up the road a ways, wondering what the hell I was doing. I felt like I could have just kept walking forever. Then, right up around the bend, I saw a sign. Leaning at a diagonal angle like an unmanned oar attached to the side of a boat was a sign that read “Dennis’s Friendly Salvage.”

I walked into the yard. By that time it was around six in the evening, so I wasn’t even sure there would be anybody there. But a big Native American fellow was behind a little shed, filling up a bucket with water from a spigot. He was wearing blue overalls with a plaid shirt, and had a braided grey and white ponytail that hung down to the small of his back. There were chickens bouncing around, clucking stupidly, and this tall, dilapidated aluminum fence was swaying and creaking in the breeze. There were car parts strewn all over the grass and the gravel lot.

I walked up to the guy and told the guy my dilemma. He introduced himself as Dennis, patted me on the back with a huge hand, then waved for me to follow him and started walking up the highway, back to the Olds. I followed him, watching his ponytail sway back and forth, and neither of us said a word. There was still smoke in the air around the car when we got to it, and it smelled like burning rubber. Dennis shook his head, lifted the hood, and checked out the engine, humming to himself in low tones.

He eventually told me the deal—said something about the radiator, and showed me a bracket that had broken in the engine, causing something—maybe the alternator—to drop, and causing the timing belt to hit the cooling fan. Something like that. I don’t really remember. But it looked bad. Surprisingly, though, he said it wasn’t a lost cause. He told me he’d tow it into the yard and fix it for three hundred bucks.

Despite the fact that it seemed as though Dennis was offering me a pretty good deal, I didn’t really feel like spending my last $300—literally all the money I had left to my name—and I didn’t feel like waiting around the salvage yard while he got the parts and fixed the Olds, anyway.

“How about if you give me $300, and I just let you keep the car?” I asked him.

Dennis put his hands on his hips and looked up at the sky, which had taken on all the colors of a sunset on the Pacific Ocean. Deep blues fading into reds, with oranges and yellows on the horizon, over the trees. Then he kicked at the dirt and clapped his big hands together and said “I’ll give you my truck for it.”

I smiled, and Dennis smiled back, knowing that he probably had me. And he did. Driving a junkyard truck with Washington plates back to Joe’s place would be worth it just for the absurdity of it all.

Dennis walked back behind the tall aluminum fence, and I heard a hood pop open and a loud engine roar to life, and then a door creaked open and slammed shut, an engine revved up, and the big Indian came cruising around the far side of the fence, out onto the highway, in a tiny blue pickup truck.

The thing was hilarious. It looked nice enough at first, but upon closer inspection it had really just been put together with spare parts from the yard. The exhaust pipe was the exhaust pipe from a car, not a truck, and poked up in the middle of the truck bed and spewed exhaust into the air, like the steam from a steam engine. And there was a sunroof in the cab, but it was just a hole cut out of the roof, and then a piece of fiberglass duct-taped over the hole. The steering wheel was huge, like it had come out of a big rig. And the upholstery on the seats looked like the kitchen rug from the house I grew up in.

“I don’t have any papers for it,” Dennis said, cutting the engine. So you’ll have to get those yourself. And here...” He leaned into the driver’s side door and grabbed a crowbar from the floorboard. “Let me show you how to start it.”

Dennis popped the hood, lifted it, and touched the pins on the starter together with the crowbar. The thing sputtered, and then started. “Pretty sweet, huh?” he said, smiling at me.

“What’s wrong with the ignition?” I asked. “There’s no key?”

“The key’s in there right now. It has to be in there for it to start. It just doesn’t turn over.”

I sat in the driver’s seat.

“Fuck,” I said.

“What?” Dennis asked.

“I don’t know how to drive stick.”

Dennis struck the same pose he had struck before: his hands on his wide hips, his face turned up to the sky. Then he walked around to the passenger side and hopped in.

“Well shit,” he said, pounding his fists on the dash. “Let’s go.”

Dennis and I drove west and south down Highway 101 through the town of Forks and inland to the Hoh Rainforest where I learned how to drive stick.1 We stuck to Highway 101 and Hoh Valley Road for the most part, but we occasionally turned off onto the narrow, fern-choked side roads to practice stopping and starting on hills, or doing three-point turnabouts in shadowy, pine-covered parking lots. Dennis was patient with me until it got dark, then he got a little salty and told me to take him home. I was still pretty jerky with the clutch, and I couldn’t get the damn thing going on steep inclines without rolling backwards quite a ways, which I saw as being a possible problem when I got back down to California and the Sierra Nevada. Sometimes rolling backwards in Yosemite will roll you right off a cliff.

“You’ll be fine,” Dennis said, his big face and pointed cheekbones shining in the dashboard lights. He patted me on the leg, then got out of the truck and went into his house without even asking me where I was going, or if I had a place to stay.

I stopped by the Olds to say goodbye to it forever and grab my pack and my book, then drove for a couple of hours back west and south to a turn-out by Kalaloch Lodge, right there on the driftwood-strewn coast, where I slept in the cab of the truck.2 The following morning, I awoke to a dark gray sky and rain pattering on the windshield. I dug through my pack for my army green hooded jacket, threw it over my head, popped the hood, grabbed the crowbar from the floorboard, and got out of the cab to start the truck. Some tourists in a van that had pulled into the parking lot to snap pictures of the rugged Pacific coast looked at me curiously, as if I was hotwiring the truck to steal it or something. I smiled at them, and lifted the crowbar over my head.

“No ignition!” I yelled. Then I jumped back in the driver’s seat and headed due south on the 101, back to Olympia.

 Forks has always been a sleepy little tourist town, serving as a central lodging and dining destination for travelers planning daytime excursions to the Pacific beaches or the rainforests on the western edge of Olympic National Park. The city’s economy was fueled by the local timber industry until the efforts of various environmental groups and the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service—along with the Northern Spotted Owl’s categorization as an endangered species and President Bill Clinton’s subsequent Northwest Forest Plan—substantially reduced timber harvest in the area in the early ‘90s. The economy suffered following the local timber industry’s collapse, with most jobs being sourced by two nearby corrections centers until the success of Stephanie Meyer’s Twilight series brought tourists to the town in droves. If you can count yourselves among the few lucky ones who have never heard of Twilight, well then, allow me: Twilight is a series of four vampire-themed fantasy romance novels that concern themselves with the comings and goings of a clumsy and dim-witted girl with low self-esteem who a handsome and much more capable vampire falls in love with for some reason, anyway. The girl gets herself into all sorts of trouble and the vampire leaves because he feels like it’s his fault for some reason, and then the girl gets involved in a less steamy and more platonic relationship with another equally handsome vampire. But eventually the first vampire returns, and she sticks with him for some reason until they eventually get married and she has a half-vampire/half-human baby that I think is supposed to be a metaphor for Jesus Christ or something. I don’t know. I haven’t read any of the novels or seen the movies, I’ve only heard about them. What I’m getting at, though, is that the novels are set in Forks, and when the first movie based on the series came out in 2008, tourism rose from 10,000 annual visitors in that tiny town to 19,000. In 2010, the number was up to 73,000, and I’m sure it’s even more today, as the series’ fifth movie came out on November 16, 2012. ↩︎

 Olympic National Park is actually comprised of four separate regions: the drier forest on the east side of the park, the glaciated Olympic Mountains in the center of the park, the temperate rainforests on the western side of the park, and the sixty-mile-long, three-mile-wide stretch of coastline that runs from the Makah Indian Reservation in the north all the way down to the Quinault Indian Reservation to the south. The coastal strip of Olympic National Park is also home to two other Indian Reservations: the Hoh Indian Reservation lies at the mouth of the Hoh River, and the Quileute Indian Reservation lies at the mouth of the Quillayute River. Both reservations have been there since the Quinault Treaty of 1855, long before President Teddy Roosevelt created Mount Olympus National Monument in 1909, or before Congress voted to re-designate the monument as Olympic National Park in 1938. “Kalaloch” is a corruption of a Quinault word meaning “a good place to land,” which refers to the Pacific inlet in the community being one of the only safe places on the coastline in which to land a dugout canoe. ↩︎