#I texted my mom about new symptoms I’m experiencing (I’m already sick)

[mvnces]

guess who might be going to the ✨ emergency room ✨

[bnhaficsforthesoul]

Pregnancy Series - We Got News! (3)

Telling Others You’re Pregnant

5 weeks

Shinsou Hitoshi

Every week you and Shinsou made it a habit to go over to Aizawa and Hizashi’s house to visit. It was Saturday, and once again you made your way over there - sitting on the couch as HIzashi made dinner for you all. You talked with Eri, who had just turned 12, about school and life in general while Shinsou played with Aizawa’s cat.

“Hey Eri, Y/n has a surprise for you.”

Shinsou nudged your arm with his elbow as he said that, and you turned to him, “Right now? Shouldn’t we wait for Aizawa and Hizashi?”

Eri, hearing what you said, ran off to find the two and bring them into the living room so that she could hear your surprise, yelling “Dad! Papa! Y/n has a surprise for us!” It only took about a minute for the three of them to return, Eri and Hizashi especially excited for your little surprise.

“You have a surprise!? What is it?” You laughed as the two were basically bouncing on their heels waiting for you to say it, and Aizawa was just waiting patiently.

“Well - uh, the surprise is, I’m pregnant!”

The three stood there in slight shock for a minute, before Eri let out an excited scream and ran back over to you, “You’re having a baby? That’s so cute!! Ooh - ooh, can I babysit them?” Her eyes were so big, she was obviously very excited at the news. Hizashi ran over and gave you and Shinsou a hug too, while Aizawa stood in the background with a soft smile on his face - giving you a curt “Congrats.”

Bakugou Katsuki

“I don’t wanna tell her… you tell her!”

“She’s your mom! I told my parents!”

Katsuki growled as you argued over who would tell his parents the news of your pregnancy, and obviously the one who you were more concerned with telling was his mom since you both knew she would have a much stronger reaction than his dad would. 

“But - She’s gonna get all mushy and shit…”

“So what? Imagine how mad she’ll be if we don’t tell her, wouldn’t you rather have her be mushy than pissy?”

Glaring at you, Katsuki growled again to emphasize his annoyance before pulling his phone out of his pocket and looking for his mom’s contact. He hesitated for a second, hovering his thumb over the call button before pressing on it and slowly moving his hand to his ear. 

“Do you think she’ll get mad at us for calling her instead of telling her in person?”

Katsuki’s eyes widened a bit as you said that, deciding you were right and he almost pressed the end call button before he heard his mother’s voice through the phone.

“Katsu~ Look at you, calling me? That’s new - I’m guessing you need something?”

“Tch, no! I just- needta tell you something…. Y/n’s pregnant, okay?”

You heard a loud gasp through the phone, and giggled to yourself at her excitement, and she yelled, “Wait! Let me get your dad! Masaru! Y/n’s pregnant! Come here! Katsuki, put in on speaker, I wanna talk to y/n.”

He did as she said, and she spoke to you. “Y/n, congratulations! I won’t lie, pregnancy ain’t fun - but I promise I’ll help you through it as much as possible, since I know Katsuki probably won’t be much help.”

“Hey! I’m plenty help, thank you very much!” You laughed again as the two bickered, and you couldn’t help but slightly hope that the baby took on their father and grandmother’s personality - seeing as you had grown to love it so much anyways.

Todoroki Shouto

Shouto still always made sure to visit his mother fairly often, many times bringing you as well as Rei had been very accepting and loving towards you (unlike his father). Today he was visiting her again, and decided that she would be ecstatic to hear the news of your pregnancy so you two planned to tell her.

Walking into the small room, Rei gave you both a happy smile as you went to sit down. It started as any other visit did, with you all just sharing little details of your lives since your last visit. Shouto had mentioned a few visits ago that you two might start trying for a kid, and of course she was going to be curious as to how that was going. 

“Any luck getting pregnant?”

You gave her a bright smile as you nodded, knowing that she would be ecstatic from the news, “Yup! I found out last week!”

Rei’s eyes started watering almost as soon as you said that, and she stood up slowly so that she could move closer to you and give you a hug. “I’m so happy for you, I’m so thankful that you two are happy.” 

After seeing Shouto go through so much trauma as a child and experiencing so much herself from marriage and having children - seeing Shouto be able to live his life happily was such a wonderful feeling for Rei.

Kirishima Eijirou

Today, you and Eijirou were hanging out with the Bakusquad, just going around town and having fun as a break from all of your stressful hero lives. After spending a short while shopping and walking around the mall, you ended up at the food court. You weren’t really all that hungry, so you opted to stay at the table while the others grabbed their food. 

But once they got back, most of them save for Denki coming back at fairly the same time, you suddenly were overwhelmed with nausea and you were forced to stand up and walk away from the table. It seemed that you could handle scents when they weren’t too strong, but due to the close proximity of all these foods, your stomach decided that it didn’t like it and you weren’t trying to throw up all over your friends.

Eijirou followed you as you walked away, giving them a quick excuse of “it’s probably the baby,” forgetting that neither of you had mentioned the fact that you were pregnant quite yet. So while Eijirou rubbed your back and tried to find a way to cover up your nose so that you wouldn’t smell anything, the others shared confused looks.

You decided to go to the bathroom just in case your body decided to betray you, and Eiji ran back to the table, “Do any of you have a face mask?” But instead of answering him, Mina asked, “Y/n’s pregnant?” Eijirou - finally remembering that none of them knew - laughed, nodding, “Oh, ya! She is~ She’s probably sick because of all the smells, so do any of you have a face mask so she can come sit back down?”

Hanta searched through his bag for a second before pulling out a cheap black face mask, “I always have one, it goes with my aesthetic~” Denki, who had finally came back, was immediately bombarded with the news by Mina, who was very excited - but Eijirou was busy texting you that when you were ready to come out he got you a face mask.

Amajiki Tamaki

It was hard figuring out how you were going to tell everyone that you were pregnant. Should you just call them and tell them? Or should you go over to their house and tell them in person? It was a very confusing experience that neither you nor Tamaki really wanted to deal with, but you couldn’t just not tell anyone.

Deciding that it would probably be better to tell at least the more important people in person, Tamaki texted Mirio and Nejire to come over to your house - saying that you needed to tell them something important and it had to be done in person. The two came pretty quickly, worried that something bad had happened, but were relieved when nothing seemed to be out of place.

“So, what’s up?”

Mirio was quick to bring up the question, with Nejire happily bouncing in curiosity behind him. Tamaki looked to you, thinking it would be better for you to say it since you were the one who was actually pregnant, and so you did.

“I’m pregnant! I’m just over a month now.” 

Nejire immediately squealed in excitement, running over to you and grabbing your hands, “Really? That’s so exciting! You have to let me help you with names, I’ve got so many cute ones. I’m going to spoil your baby so much! I can’t wait!” She was almost more excited than you were, and Mirio was excited too - having pulled Tamaki into a hug himself. 

“Wow- congrats you two! I bet your baby is gonna be super cute!”

Dabi

“There’s something up with you, I just know it.”

Toga narrowed her eyes as she looked you up and down, inspecting you for changes. She had noticed all of the slight symptoms of pregnancy that had begun affecting you, but how you never seemed to be actually sick. And how you suddenly seemed a lot more upbeat, not letting much bother you - which was a side effect of your excitement for this baby to come. 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about~” 

Even so, you enjoyed messing with the girl - she was like a little sister to you and you could never pass up a chance to annoy her, even though for most that could be a dangerous mistake. A pout grew on her face as you said that, causing you to laugh.

“Don’t worry, I’ll tell you soon. I just wanna see you guess.”

However, Spinner had been in the room with the two of you and heard your conversation. “There has been something weird with you lately. You’re a lot warmer. Are you sick, or pregnant?” He laughed as he said pregnant, obviously thinking it couldn’t be true, but you didn’t laugh with him. 

“Oh - I forgot you can detect heat… so you already know.” 

The two paused their laughter, “Wait, you’re pregnant?” You nodded, putting a happy smile on your face and patting your stomach, “Yup~” Their faces stayed in a shocked state for a few seconds before they broke out into smiles themselves, “Really? That’s amazing!” 

Shigaraki Tomura

From the moment you got pregnant Tomura has been extremely protective of you, barely letting anyone come near you in fear that they may do something to hurt the baby. Most everyone already kinda knew that you were pregnant, Dabi especially since he had been the one to grab you the test, but neither you nor Tomura had officially said anything.

But today, there was an early morning meeting that you were forced to go along with, and you sat on the large arm of his chair as he spoke, keeping your hand in his gloved one. You were still nauseous and just wanted to go back to sleep, but Tomura wanted you around him at all times and you didn’t feel like arguing with him. 

Except it started getting too much, and you let go of Tomura’s hand just so that you could sit on the cold floor, immediately feeling a little better just from being lower to the ground. Tomura stopped talking as soon as you did so, watching you to make sure that you were okay with a frown. Once you were fully seated on the floor and you gave him a soft smile to show him you were okay, he turned back to the league, “Listen - y/n is pregnant, and if she needs anything you will get it for her. Keeping her healthy and happy is our number one priority.”

He was so serious as he said this that it was almost funny - but he meant every word, he wanted to league to act as your servants almost. Luckily for you the league seemed to take it pretty well, Toga letting out an ‘awe~’ and the rest kinda just nodding along. They probably didn’t care, but they also knew better than to argue with Tomura when it came to you.

[needloveandpositivity]

It's been described as the worst year of my life packed into 3 or 4 months. And it has been. 2020 was so good for us. We grew closer in our relationship. I knew quarantine was either going to make or break us, and we are doing so well together. I love him with all my heart. But there's so much going on, I'm so exhausted.

We became really close with his aunt and uncle over the summer. We visited often, they came to visit here, it was a good relationship. His aunt became a confidant for me. We could talk about anything. Then his uncle decided to fuck off. Left with no warning. They had 1 fight and he was gone. Aunt was heart broken. My man went to pick up uncle, because my man has a huge heart. It felt like we got shoved in the middle of their separation. Aunt vented to me often about uncle. Trashing him left right and center. I didn't really like him in the first place, but he's family, I gotta tolerate him. But it's so hard to stay neutral. Not even a week after he left, he started seeing another woman. A woman who he had already cheated on aunt with in the past.

I did my best to keep aunts head level, so she wouldn't call, text, email, what ever this lady to try and ruin uncles set up he had. She was so angry. So bitter. And I understood 100%, I think her feelings were justified. He left her. Again. 3rd time he walked out on her because she was trying to help him sort himself out.

My birthday, I get a text message, my man's great aunt had passed away. The woman that uncle was living with passed away suddenly in her sleep. She wasn't a super healthy woman, I understand she had cancer and diabetes, she had basically given up. But she seemed to be doing well, all things considered. We had just seen her the weekend before, she was happy, joking with us. And suddenly, gone. In a text message. We went to see my family that weekend, my dad and my brothers birthdays are all around mine as well, so we were going to celebrate together. I let my parents know, my man's great aunt has passed away quite suddenly. No response. No, "I'm sorry for your loss" no "wow that's terrible, my condolences" nothing. Just oh, yeah I overheard your man say it to his mom earlier. Thanks.

I had 3 weeks off work between contracts. I tried to use that time to organize the apartment, sort things to sell/give away, but Toronto was shutting down again for lock down, so I couldn't really do much with the things I didn't want anymore. So I'm still sitting on those boxes.

The 3rd week, my man's mom came to visit for a few days, which was nice. Her and I get along really well. We went to pet smart, went for a walk, hung out, it was nice. But she left in the middle of the night, no text, no explanation. Just gone. I woke up the next morning looking for her, assuming she went out to smoke, and I couldn't find her. She must have noticed I was active on Facebook, because she messaged me like 20 minutes later, said her gut told her to go home, so she did. At like 3am.

Like a week or 2 later she starts getting all distant, hardly responding to me, not giving me solid answers about Christmas plans, just keeps saying what ever. I asked her if something was wrong and she just kept saying no. It was like this for like a week or two and she just kept getting more and more snippy with me. So I finally asked my man like is your mom mad at me or something. But he's like no no she's fine she loves you why would she be mad at you, what could you possibly have done? And that's what I was wondering too, like, what can I do? What have I done?

Finally, she tells my man that she was upset with me, she thought I didn't want to see her on Christmas. That she was just an after thought. Because I offered to see her all day on December 26th. She took offense to December 26th because in her mind, December 26th is the left over day. The day that people who don't matter get. In my family, December 25 and December 26 hold the same value. We always switched back and forth with my moms family and my dads family for Christmas day and boxing day. This Christmas, with the covid rules and everything, my dads family was going to visit on the 27th, just a few of them, and mom's side was going to do Christmas day, since it was their turn anyways. So the 26th was completely free, and I wanted to give MIL our undivided attention. No rushing to another dinner, she gets the day. But she didn't want that. She wanted Christmas day. But she wouldn't communicate that to me so that we could arrange that for her.. so she thought I didn't want to see her. That she didn't matter. And she got all angry and distant about it without just telling me.

We finally got it sorted out, Christmas was super messy, my moms parents were being over the top about Christmas plans, they ended up canceling everything, and we ended up being able to see MIL on Christmas day after all. The whole time we were down there, I was anxious and uncomfortable. Trying to please everybody at the same time, and it was never enough. Nobody was ever satisfied by the time we could or could not spend with them.

Then, the 27th in the evening we had Christmas with my man's dad. Uncle was there. With this new woman. No heads up, we just walked in, and there she is. No introduction or nothing. Just hey welcome to Christmas dinner, have a seat. Like what? He knew we still spoke with aunt. He knew how heart broken she was. And now flaunting this new girlfriend at us???? I felt completely disrespected. Like he did it to get a rise out of me. Like he did it so that I would tell aunt and put fuel on the fire. He did it to make it hurt for us to tell aunt.

I was so excited to finally go home.

January 4th. One of the worst days of my life. I'm working from home, any normal day. And I get a text message from my best friends son. My best friend has tragically died of a stroke this weekend. I can feel my soul being torn to shreds. I screamed and cried for hours. I was able to calm myself just long enough to send an email to my boss, let him know what happened and i will be signed off for the rest of the day. My mom gave me a call as soon as she found out, one of her friends found out because she used to work with my best friend. She called me, and immediately she knew that I knew. I told her who told me, and I sobbed. She didn't stay on the line for very long. Just told me that if all I'm going to do is sit there and cry, then she's going to go because she had things to do. I wanted to tell her to fuck off right then and there. But I just said k and hung up. I called my man so he knew I wasn't working, that I wasn't okay. He hurried home that afternoon.

January was a rough, rough month. I felt right on the edge of crying every single day. I couldn't make phone calls without bursting into tears. I spent so much time just staring at the wall. I smoked so much weed just so I could get through an hour without crying. My eyes, my nose, my throat, my soul hurt just existing. Weed gave me that temporary relief.

Just when I started pulling myself together, making it through a day without sobbing, my dad texts me. My great aunt has passed away. At this point, I don't feel anything anymore. I don't want to cry, I don't want to feel. I'm just angry all the time. It's either nothing, or angry. There's no in between.

February I start to realize I'm really not okay. And I haven't actually been okay for a while. I haven't done laundry properly since well before Christmas. The apartment is a mess. And more and more often I'm thinking about walking out into the street just to hope someone will run me over. Then maybe someone will notice and understand how very not okay I am. Maybe I'll die? Is that really the worst thing that could happen?

I finally called my doctor when I started having some really physical symptoms. Thinking about my best friend, thinking about aunt and uncle fighting, thinking about MIL, thinking about anything remotely stressful or disappointing would make me shake. Like an uncontrollable shiver starting deep in my chest. Come to find out that's called heart palpitations. I've also been having these attacks, Ill be sitting on the couch, or fucking sleeping, and I'll wake up with a pain in my lower abdomen, super dizzy, nauseous, light headed. I sit in the bathroom and wait to either throw up, or pass out. Neither happen, and after about 20 minutes it subsides, I'm exhausted and I go back to sleep. My heart rate gets so high, so consistently during this time that my fitbit has started recording it as exercise.

I'm scared, obviously, that something might be seriously wrong with me. The nurse that I speak to on the phone doesn't think there's anything to worry about. She says it's just anxiety, she will book me in next week to be put on medication. At this point I'm not entirely convinced it's "just anxiety", so I made an appointment with a counselor. Even if it is "just anxiety" this is far more intense than i have EVER experienced in my life, and I've been diagnosed with anxiety/depression since I was like 13.

My mom doesn't care. I told her what was happening and she just said, I'm sure you're fine. I am super duper absolutely not fine. I haven't thought about dying in YEARS. The last time I thought about it was when I told my parents I was bi and my mom tried to leave. Went upstairs, packed a bag, and walked out the door. My dad chased her down and got her to come back in but like, what the fuck.

I'm almost 1 week on trintellix, I have to get bloodwork done this week to make sure these fun, awesome, never before seen symptoms are in fact just anxiety, and I see the cousellor next week to hopefully figure out what's going on and how to get through this.

I have plans, goals. My man and I are talking about getting married in 2022. Talking about buying a home in 2024. Children? Maybe. But I'd like to be around here to meet them.

So, here I am. I have people who listen, but I feel like I just rant at one friend way too much, and she's sick of me. Another friend that changes the subject when I get sad. Another who has told me she's sick of people venting to her, because she has her own mental health to deal with. And my man doesn't know how to help me. He tries, he really does. But he has bad days too, and I cannot help him while I'm down here. I can't pick him up while I'm still down.

I just need someone to listen. Someone to hear me rant and vent and get things off my chest. Because if I don't, I know I'm going to drown down here.

If you're willing and able to reach out, please do. If not, this will be the blog that I journal in, I guess. Where I write down everything that I want to talk to my best friend about. I know she can't respond, but I'm sure she's up there watching me, and I hope she's reading this to know that I'm trying. I'm getting help. I'm trying to get better, so I can do better.

[nancydrew65]

SKAM NL Season 2 Episode 8 Thoughts

So, I just realized that SKAM Dutch, the tumblr page that posts translated clips and text messages from the show, also labels how each clip is related to the episode, including which episode it belongs in! I am an idiot for not noticing this sooner. Now, I can post reactions sooner. Hurrah!

I Miss You

Liv wakes up hungover in Noah’s room lying in bed beside Morris and the blonde girl from the party.

Oh my god, I just realized this because I watched all the clips that just came out, but when Liv puts on her clothes, she doesn’t put on her bra. Rewatching this scene to write this reaction was one of the hardest things I have ever done.

As Liv leaves the house, she gets a bunch of messages from an unknown number. It is Noah and he lost his phone. He doesn’t want any more space and he texts her that he loves her. What a punch to the gut for Liv.

She has to throw up/retch by a tree. I have to say that lead-up was very realistic. I saw it in her before she did it that she was going to throw up.

And here starts the spiral into doom

What Happened Last Night?

Liv takes a shower at home, very similar to what Grace did in SKAM Austin. She buries herself into her covers and tries to fall asleep.

Ralph barges in and soon sees that something is wrong. He is worried about her not going to school and offers to make her juice! Sweetest Eskild ever. He is so attune to Liv’s feelings. I love him so much. I hope Liv confides in him soon.

Under the sheets Liv looks at all her messages and decides to send one to Morris asking what happened the night before. I think this is one of the hardest things that the Noora character is put through. Not only was she possibly raped or sexually assaulted, but she has to message her possible assaulter just to find out what really happened.

Flashbacks

This clip was… I almost felt physically sick watching it.

Liv is scrolling through instagram - there was an easter egg to SKAM with fan art of Noora - and looks through Morris’ profile. She finds a photo with Morris and the blonde girl who was in bed with them. Her name is Marie Van Aspen. So, this girl appears to be the Mari character. I really hope she and Liv have a scene together because she was so funny at the party.

Liv then searches for signs of whether or not you have had sex. My dear, poor girl.

Liv watches a youtube video of a girl who went through a similar experience as her, where she was drugged and taken advantage of in Las Vegas. I think it is really important for Liv to watch that video so that she realizes that whatever happened, it was not her fault.

There’s a knock at the door. Noah is outside, looking for Liv. She ignores him and he finally goes away when she texts him that she has the flu.

And then Morris texts Liv back and oh my god… SKAM NL just did that. So, I think SKAM NL set certain things up to make Liv’s situation seem better than other Noora’s, like how Ralph was so supportive and sweet and how Liv watched that really helpful, inspiring video of the girl who had been sexually assaulted. I think they did all that to shock us with this new reveal. For one, Morris responds much quicker than any other version of Niko and there is no fake-out text where he tells her nothing happened, she reunites with William, and then he texts her again and shows her the naked photo he took of her. Instead, we get this wholly awful scene where Morris texts Liv a video he took at the party where Liv is in bed wearing only her bra. In the video, Morris pulls back the covers of the bed and proceeds to slip Liv’s bra off, leaving her breasts exposed.

This is… shocking and horrible to say the least. I really wish there had been a trigger warning. Morris is easily the worst of the Nikos. And I feel kind of uncomfortable ranking the relative awfulness of each version of this character because each version is a terrible person. However, there is a large difference between Noora stripping and Niko taking a photo of her naked (still absolutely disgusting) and Morris approaching an almost unconscious Liv and stripping her bra off while she is protesting. That is sexual assault. And we don’t know if anything else happened… But that is so, so terrible regardless. I made an earlier post where I said I thought it would be interesting watching a version of Season 2 where Noora actually got assaulted because I thought it would be an incredibly complex and important storyline to tackle…. And I guess, be careful what you wish for. I am already so upset and horrified after one clip.

I Had to Do It

Liv is doing the wash and there is a very beautiful contrast between the white of the clothes and the dark hoodie Liv is wearing and the dark colors of her room.

Noah shows up with groceries. How domestic. No, I’m kidding. That was really sweet of him, probably one of the nicest things a person can do in a relationship tbh.

Liv explains that she isn’t angry anymore about him fighting, but she is sick and needs time to think. They share a kiss, so there’s hope. (Who am I kidding? I just watched the latest SKAM NL clip where a version once again leaves a version of Noora collapsed on the ground crying. I am very pissed off, but I will get more into that next episode.)

There was a great visual moment when Liv closes the door and leans back on it. She turns to the left where the glass part of the door is and through the frosted glass we see Noah’s silhouette. Very poignant. Once he leaves, she opens the door and grabs the groceries.

I Don’t Remember Anything

There was a trigger warning at the beginning of the clip, so at least SKAM NL took its fans thoughts into consideration.

Liv bakes cookies for Ralph and Jayden, but doesn’t have any herself. Is this a hint of her eating disorder? I know they kind of brushed that off in SKAM Austin and I can’t tell if they are doing that here.

Jayden comments on how put together Liv is… and that broke my heart because Liv is falling apart inside and she feels like she has to put up this strong front. Let people in!!!!! Tell the girls!!!!

Liv gets a call from her mother who sounds quite busy. Like the only time you can call your daughter is when you are in the car? Really? She does sound more concerned and invested in Liv’s life than her father who is really only interested in Liv’s music. And we got confirmation that Liv’s dad is experienced in the music industry.

This also made me notice that the record company meeting is probably equivalent to the article Noora had to write. That kind of makes it more sad, in my opinion. In Noora’s case, yeah, the article was a great opportunity to invest in her job goals, but for Liv it seems more serious. Music is something she loves and hopes to make a career in. This meeting could have potentially life-changing consequences for her and it is all ruined because of Noah’s asshole of a brother.

Liv’s mom suggests getting a plant (an offer Liv takes eventually) and tells her daughter that she is always there to talk. So, I feel like Liv’s mom actually does care about her daughter, but is a bit distant and is not really great in initiating contact.

Liv goes back to her room. Ralph asks to use Liv’s computer to look up a recipe to cook for Benny, his sweetheart. He finds what I assume is a website looking for symptoms of if you’ve been raped. We don’t know for sure.

He immediately confronts Liv about it. She yells that it’s not her fault. 1. It is incredibly sad that she has to assume that is what Ralph thinks, but 2. At least she doesn’t think it’s her fault.

Liv has a breakdown/panic attack and Ralph goes and hugs her, telling her she doesn’t have to go through this alone.

Now, I really enjoyed this scene, don’t get me wrong. I think SKAM NL has developed Ralph and Liv’s friendship very well this season. However, they do get rid of what is, in my opinion, Noah’s best scene in the season. And honestly, I would have cared more had I not just seen the scene where Noah confronts Liv. Now I’m glad they gave this scene to Ralph because Noah does not deserve it.

You Don’t Have to be Ashamed of Anything

While I am so so so so so glad that Liv has a support system much sooner than in other remakes… I am kind of uncomfortable about how SKAM NL handled it. I really wish Liv could have told the girls on her own, not have it something that was discovered. Despite how terrible it was watching Noora suffer alone, it was such a relief when she finally confided in the girls. I wish Liv could have been allowed to have that same initiative. She seems very reluctant when she is telling the story to the girls.

The girls (and Esra!) all arrive at the apartment (i’m pretty sure Ralph called them) to talk with Liv. I am glad that she explained the whole story to them and that Ralph didn’t just tell the girls all the details.

Speaking of the details, can we acknowledge how courageous Liv was to have showed them the video?

I loved the juxtaposition of everyone on one side of the bed, watching the video with Liv by herself on the other end. And as soon as the video ends, Isa and Engel climb right back to Liv’s side. It is kind of a metaphor for saying, we are here for you, it’s not your fault.

Esra says to go to the police… and yeah. Liv should most definitely go to the police. I am not very happy with SKAM NL executed the whole confrontation scene between Liv and Morris, but I will get more into that next episode. Long story, short: I wish they had adapted it better to the unique situation Liv is in, a situation vastly different from OG.

Liv doesn’t want to go to the police, but Engel convinces Liv to at least confront Morris. Janna says she will fight Morris bare-breasted. That is something I would like to see. Fight him, Janna!

Liv seems to get a renewed sense of confidence and messages Morris to meet with her.

General Thoughts

This has been probably my favorite episode in the whole season so far. I thought SKAM NL did a great job depicting Liv’s anguish and struggle (Zoe Love Smith is a fantastic actress, she is killing these extremely intense scenes) and despite how hard it is to watch, I am really glad they gave us a version where the Noora character is assaulted. For dramatic storyline purposes, I wish we had gotten the next clip (where Liv confronts Morris) as the last clip for this episode, but I understand that they have to distribute clips accordingly to each episode. That is really all I have to say.

[iwasthereason]

The Beginning

“I can’t breathe”.

These are the three little words that changed my life.

It was July 28, 2020, cold midnight when I woke up with this heavy feeling in my chest. I picked myself up from the bed and started breathing -- but I can’t. Panic rose, both my hands and feet are cold. I walked for a bit, trying to calm myself and get all the air I can. ‘What’s going on? What’s happening with me?’ I asked myself over and over again. Then I stopped and this dreaded question came to my mind ‘did I get infected with COVID?’

Prior to this happening, I remember eating Budae Jjigae (Korean Army Stew) twice in the last two weeks as it’s my go-to comfort food when I don’t feel okay - who wouldn’t feel good after eating noodles with spicy broth, SPAM, sausages, fish cake, and Kimchi? Well, I was nursing a broken heart so I gave myself a break and indulged. I have also eaten Indian food twice in a month. I went back to smoking, not eating on time, and drinking wine at night. Simply put -- I wasn’t living the right lifestyle.

Going back to that night, I messaged a friend about what’s happening and we talked for a while. I calmed for a little bit. Then the feeling went back again. Now, I messaged my then ex-boyfriend and told him about my condition. We were supposed to be on a break but I was in the moment of panic and desperation so I reached out. He replied and we talked for a long time. It was an odd start, but somehow he was able to calm me down and we talked until I fall asleep (he said I snored haha). The day went by like a normal day, though it was still hard to breathe and I’m feeling very low in energy so I made myself tons of hot tea with ginger and lemon and drowned myself with lots of water.

Days and weeks passed and the feeling came on and off -- there are times that I’m feeling all better and moments when I feel like I’m being suffocated. I can’t sleep well at night, sometimes I’d be waken up with strong palpitations or most of the time just waking up after only getting an hour of sleep. I’ve bought all the medical checking apparatus I can buy from a thermometer, digital and manual blood pressure monitors, and oximeter. I’ve not had any fevers, sore throat, my blood pressure was okay - the highest was only that one night (130/70) but usual was 110/70. I have tried everything I could from drinking hot tea with ginger and lemon, eating vegetables and fruits, hot compress, drinking Vitamin C, tons of water, still, episodes of anxiety and difficulty in breathing occurred. I’ve not told any of my closest friends, not even my family as I don’t want them to worry. The situation’s draining me mentally, physically, and emotionally. At that point in my life, I started praying to God.

I pleaded to him in my language, “Lord, wag po muna ngayon. Ayoko pa po mamatay. Kawawa naman po sila Mama at Papa, kailangan pa po nila ako. Lord, please, wag po muna” (Lord, don’t do this now. I don’t want to die yet. It’ll be a pity for Mama and Papa, they still need me. Lord, please, not now”). I cried hard. I remembered when I’d tell everyone “pag oras ko na, oras ko na” (when it’s my time to die, it’s my time to die). I was so wrong for saying that. I am not ready to die.

August 7, 2020 at 3:00 PM, I started feeling bad. I can’t breathe, my hands and feet are cold, I’m panicking/anxiety attack. I told myself, I need to tell my friends now else, this could be that day I fear. So, I messaged my best friend and told her about my situation. She immediately sent me a rapid test kit (for COVID), masks and face shield. When I got the kit, I calmed myself. I was on a call with my boyfriend and started doing the test. We waited for around 12 minutes, it showed negative. Somehow, knowing that it resulted negative comforted me but it is common knowledge that rapid tests are not reliable, so, I still fear that I have it (COVID).

August 8, 2020, 2:00 PM, same scenario as the other day. I can’t breathe again, my hands and feet are cold, I’m panicking/anxiety attack. I decided to message my cousin who works in a hospital. I told her about my situation. She asked me some questions and asked me to go to the ER to get myself checked ASAP. And so I went to the nearest hospital - Chinese General Hospital. I arrived at 4:00 PM only to be told that they cannot admit me as my oxygen levels are normal. I softly insisted to get myself sent to the ER but the nurses told me that they can’t do that as I’m not showing any other symptoms -- unless I want to be in a ward full of COVID patients even though it’s not yet determined that I have COVID. So they suggested I go back the next day to get tested.

August 9, 2020, 6:45 AM. This day was excruciating. I arrived in the hospital at 6:45 AM with hardly any sleep as I was told to be there before 7:00 AM. So, I listed my name on the sheet, then the officer told me to go back at 2:00 PM as that’s the schedule for walk-ins. Somehow, this irritated me knowing that I had to wait for 7 hours to get tested, but I was already feeling tired so I decided to wait. My ex boyfriend kept me company for a while. Good thing I bought water with me, it kept me going while waiting. It was around 1:00 PM when the nurses started calling the names on the list. My name was called, got myself tested and went home. I had a funny situation during the test - I coughed so hard when the nurse swabbed my throat as it was super itchy. Two nurses looked at each other and told me to put back my mask on my mouth. I got anxious as I’ve not seen anyone coughed when they were being swabbed.  

August 10, 8:30 AM. The hospital texted me that my results will be up in 10-15 minutes. Waited and tried a couple of times. I was cooking my breakfast when they messaged so I told myself to sit first just for good measure. So, I went to bed, sat there, clicked the link and added all necessary information. I opened the file and to my relief, the test showed negative. I cried to the Lord. It was an overwhelming feeling of thankfulness. I called my best friend and told her about the good news. I messaged my cousin as well. I told my boyfriend about it too. I was able to breathe again. Praise God!

But, I had a hard time breathing again. This time, I thought it could either be my heart, lungs, or thyroid (mom had thyroid issues). Reading all the symptoms, I was sold that I had a thyroid problem. So I talked to a doctor (endocrinologist) about my situation and she told me to do a general check up. I went to a diagnostic center and got myself checked - blood, x-ray, and ECG. The results came the next day and saw that I’m super unhealthy. Thyroid is out of the picture as mine’s normal. I’m borderline diabetic. Cholesterol though is normal. Good cholesterol is low. Heart and lungs are normal. I was confused what’s causing the breathing issue until I told the doctor that I feel a lump in my throat whenever I try to swallow, but there's actually nothing there when I try to drink water. It’s when she mentioned GERD, a disorder I knowingly feel is the cause all of the issues I experienced - I’ve talked to my ex boyfriend about me being acidic and could be a reason for why I’m feeling sick. All the symptoms blinked Green when I researched about it:

Difficulty in breathing

Sensation of a lump in your throat

Disrupted sleep / trouble sleeping

Anxiety

Chest pain

Difficulty in swallowing

Trouble eating normally

Weight loss

It all made sense to me why I had those symptoms and the exact time I experienced those - I’ve been drinking lemon water (lemon is a citrus, thus a no-no to me), I ate very spicy Indian food, drank wine, smoked, took acidic Vitamin C (I was drinking twice a day previously cause I thought it was COVID) and ate noodles. All these made my acid worst.

Now, what I need to do is change my lifestyle drastically. This means cutting out all the bad habits like smoking, drinking alcohol, eating spicy foods or any food that will aggravate my acid situation. I need to exercise daily, eat fruits and vegetables that are high in alkaline, drink lots of warm/hot water, eat lean meat, and make sure I only drink non-acidic Vitamin C (sodium ascorbate).

I’m very thankful to God because if not for that night, I would not know that I’m already at this certain state of my health. I still have time to fix my lifestyle and live for the better.

With this life changing experience, I’m urging everyone to never take their health for granted - young or old, fit or unfit. At one point, our bodies will surrender to our bad habits and it may never function like it was before. I also believe that everything happens for a reason, mine was a wake up call. I'm already forgetting about my relationship with God. He’s been faithful in providing all of my needs, even blessing me more than I deserve and I took it all for granted. I didn't even take a moment to express my gratitude and love for him. This experience has brought me closer to him. He’s always been there for me -- all the nights, hospital visits, getting myself checked, he used different people as channel of his love and assurance that I am not alone.

Praise God!

PS. This song has been my companion and source of strength since that day: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5_aIauL2xKA

[steamishot]

February

I took birth control pills for a month, starting December sometime when we didn’t use a condom and I thought there was a slight slight chance I could become pregnant. Then as my period in January was approaching, I stopped taking them again. After my period ended, I started feeling pretty moody and down. I talked to Matt about it saying that my moodiness may be a result of my inconsistency with the ocp and he told me that I don’t have to take them if I don’t want to and he’ll just use protection. So I took him up on his offer because I didn’t wanna deal with that. Starting 3 days ago, I started spotting. I had just completed my period the week before. I started spotting, and then I started full on bleeding as if I was having my period again. I was mildly freaking out because I’ve never experienced that before (and it wasn’t the first time I was on and off the pill). I ended up bleeding more during my second “period” than my actual period. He and my nursing school friend said it seemed normal and that it was fine, as long as I wasn’t experiencing symptoms of feeling weak/lightheaded etc. So I took their word for it and now my second period is almost over lol. Emotionally, I feel better this week. Last week was just a mess—I left work on two days feeling super anxious/stressed and like I needed a glass of wine to relax. Granted, work was crazy, but I don’t have to let the craziness affect me to that degree. I was also being weird about my relationship as evidenced by my last post. I’m taking this Monday slow to ease into the week.

I haven’t been having penetrative sex for very long. I believe it’s been around 2.5-3 years since my first time ever. With my last partner, I didn’t really understand why it was enjoyable sometimes and wasn’t other times. And actually, it wasn’t that enjoyable like 70% of the time with him. 70% or more when he inserted, it was an uncomfortable feeling. At first, I thought it might have been the size difference as to why it doesn’t hurt with my current partner. It seems pretty common sense but I just learned that the more lubricated the sex is/the more wet I am, the better it feels for the both of us and that sex shouldn’t be uncomfortable if I am wet enough. My current partner literally stops when he senses that I’m not into it or that I’m bored, because he feels “rapey” if he continues. He gets off on me getting off. We’ve communicated about sex before and how so and so times were the best. We deduced that when I’m the most relaxed/not thinking ahead about our day/being present with him, I’m able to enjoy myself more and therefore he does too. And because we talked about it, I try to be mindfully present when we’re in that space. It’s really helpful because then I enjoy having sex too. I think our goal is to have me reach orgasm naturally, because I was never to with my last partner during penetrative sex. We improved so much from our first night together lol.

I feel like I almost rely on alcohol to let down my inhibitions so I can communicate with him more freely. As he becomes more comfortable with me (this and he acts different when he’s sick), I think he tries less to be a good listener. He told me he thinks he has ADHD and in the beginning I thought he was only joking, but by hanging out with him more and more, I can see how it might be true. I feel like these past two hangouts when we’re talking, I have to compete with him for the “spotlight” and naturally, I don’t like to talk when I know people aren’t listening or feel rushed to speak again. I’m usually pretty quiet, even with my friends, and I talk more when I know they are good listeners. But a lot of the times, I prefer not to talk as well. There were three different instances in the past two hangouts we’ve been on (he had a cold both times so that may have something to do with it) when he communicated with servers/hosts where he was super spacey and like all ADHD’d out. I thought it was kinda endearing/cute and ended up laughing at him all three times but this is not a positive trait in a partner. I wondered why it was so easy for me to talk to my previous partner about my issues and such, but then caught myself comparing communication in a 3-year relationship to a 4 month relationship. I was like oh wait, we’re still getting to know each other and in that stage of opening up. However, my last partner was definitely more in tune with female feelings than Matt is. That was a double-edged sword because I didn’t like that because of that, he had a lot of female friends and not enough strong male figures in his life. With my last partner, I didn’t really feel the need to talk to my female friends as much for “girl talk” because he probably provided enough of that to me. I think I just have to work around it and it might be healthier this way that my partner doesn’t enable my crazy feelings. There are boundaries and I maintain a relationship with my female friends as well.

Another update, we celebrated Chinese new year with my family yesterday. Due to family drama, I haven’t seen my favorite nephew in a long time (1 year) before my brother’s wedding. When I saw him/hungout with him during the wedding, it was really nice. He’s growing really big and fat but he still has that lovable personality. He messaged me yesterday saying Happy early Chinese new year and it meant a lot because he hasn’t initiated conversation since the family drama happened. I thought, why not pick him up and bring him to my family gathering like the good old days? He lives a little further away now ~12-15 min, so I won’t be able to do it often because it’s time consuming to pick him up and drop him off. But we hung out with the family, and he’s still my little buddy. I made him run/jog 1.5 miles while I worked out. I asked him if he had any song requests. Half of the songs I played were from my playlist, and he chose the rest. In the car ride back home, he asked me what the names of two songs were that I played. It was really cute and nice because he used to do that when he was younger as well. He also revealed to me that he was scared of not getting taller, thinking that overweight kids do not grow taller. I assured him he will grow taller and his fat will even out. It’s a sensitive topic because I know he gets told he is fat a lot. He handles it well and doesn’t really show that he is bothered by it. And in the snap of a finger, the kid that I used to babysit is as tall as me now and weighs 1.5 my weight.

Another incident I wanted to write about before I forgot was me losing my wallet and not even knowing it. On Wednesday night, I stopped by to get gas near my house before going home. When I got home, I just went inside my house and got some food (no one was home that day as my parents and grandma went out for dinner). As I was eating in my room, someone rang the doorbell twice. I was conditioned to not open the door if I was home alone so I just ignored them lol. I heard someone open the gate and then they left. The next day while I was trying to pay for my lunch, I realized my wallet wasn’t in my backpack and thought to myself, oh it must be in my purse or something. Thank goodness for apple pay. Then my day goes by normally. On Friday morning as I was leaving my house for work, I saw my wallet on the floor tucked away behind a pillar. My first instinct was to take a picture of it and I thought some crazy Gloria shit was happening to me (as she tends to have odd experiences). I tried to connect this incident to the weird vibes I was feeling in the hotel room the weekend before and was trying to come up with evidence that paranormal activities are real haha. However, when I got into my car and started texting Matt about the situation, I thought it out and the sequence of events (with the doorbell ringing) made sense. I put two and two together and realized that I was probably clumsy and not paying attention after I left my car to go home on Wednesday night. My wallet was probably still out of my backpack and I accidentally dropped it on the floor. It was already dark too so I wouldn’t have seen it. And a very kind neighbor returned it. Everything was still there-- I had almost $300 in cash and many credit cards with nice limits haha. I was so impressed by humanity that day and felt very fortunate. Our CNY celebration just passed and my mom was like why aren’t you wearing red? I said I’m already lucky and she proceeded to tell my family about how crazy/lucky I am that I dropped my wallet and had it returned to me. And my wallet was out on my porch for two nights and a day before I even found it. My dad joked that I probably did some good in this world and good things happen to me. Thank you world. 

[a-woman-apart]

Trying to Return from Mixed Mania and Effexor Withdrawal

A/N: This post describes the aftermath of mixed mania/a mixed episode of bipolar disorder. Mixed episodes are high-risk times for bipolar patients, because there is extreme agitation and mood swings that can be accompanied by suicidal thoughts and severe anxiety. The increased energy associated with this state of being can make someone more likely to harm themselves as a result of the extreme discomfort linked to this state.

If you feel overwhelmed, please reach out for help.

Suicide prevention hotline:

1-800-273-8255

Suicide Prevention Hotline Chat

Crisis Text Line

I know that I wrote a behemoth of a post this morning, but I’m going to try to type another post before I force myself to go to work today. I am using all the willpower that I can muster while still being faint, clammy, and experiencing minor versions of some of my old symptoms. I managed working yesterday, but that was only by telling myself, “Just take this one day at a time. If you go today, it doesn’t mean that you are going to be able to go tomorrow, but you have to at least try to get moving.”

“Just do it for today.”

I slept extra hours for the first time in weeks, getting up briefly just so that I could take my morning medicines, before going back to bed. I had terrible dreams though, that my parents were taking me to doctor’s appointments (in addition to the ones I already go to) and that the doctor kept increasing my medicine and I couldn’t keep up. The pills were literally multiplying in their containers, getting mixed together and overflowing to where I couldn’t put the tops on them. It is quite an appropriate reflection of how I feel right now.  

Even if it was fitful, being able to sleep a little more is a good sign that my mixed mania/hypomania is coming under control. That, or maybe it was just all the Hydroxyzine I took yesterday (still not a fan of that pill).

How I dealt with the anxiety and paranoia of going back to work, though, was to tell my boyfriend about my fears and have him point out the inconsistencies (he dragged me, y’all). I’m still worried about my performance, but I am trying to accept the fact that it needs to be okay that I can’t give my best effort right now. I’m still sick but showing up is important.

Also, the bipolar group facilitator told me, “You feel guilty” when I told her I was anxious about returning to work yesterday. It startled me, but I quickly agreed. She said, “There’s no point in you feeling bad about missing, and then you going there and being unable to concentrate.” She gave me a lot of helpful information about medication and helpful activities to do when I’m stressed. She was also the only one who fully agreed that my symptoms were withdrawal; even the ER staff believed that it might be lithium toxicity. So, they connected it more to something being added than something being taken away.

To be fair, though, I was experiencing some of my stomach problems before the Effexor was removed, and those could honestly be attributed to anxiety like my psychiatrist suggested. The issue is, though, that I usually have a very strong stomach, so the persistence and severity of the symptoms didn’t line up with anything I have previously experienced.

I have to say, though, when I looked over the activities that the group leader gave me, I couldn’t help but be taken back to my early recovery. Things like “take a bubble bath” or “go for a walk” just seem so basic to me. I already have hobbies and things that I enjoy, but I’ve been slammed so hard lately that so much of it just went away. I hadn’t been able to type up Tumblr posts because I couldn’t even really sit up straight—or think straight— enough to do it. I had become very active, walking in the park multiple times a week, but that became impossible as my physical symptoms progressed. Thankfully, I was able to still take showers, and even though I had tons of food aversions I could still eat. I kept recording my voice diaries and tracking my symptoms in my Keep app.

I’m not trying to say that it isn’t helpful that the group leader gave me mood diaries to fill out, lists of activities, etc., but I realized that I have been doing these things all along. I’m a veteran to this game and I’ve been fighting tooth and nail for my recovery. I do find them helpful in that it’s easier to send a written report to the doctor or talk about a written report in the group, than it is for me to try to recite things from my phone. Also, the group facilitator brings up aspects of bipolar that I didn’t even know existed or could affect me. Overall, I’m happy that I started going to group again. If anything, it’ll give me something to do while I’m waiting for classes to start. I plan to still go even if I do get to do summer II (all online still). I’ll get a certificate of completion after 12 weeks of group, and maybe that will tell my treatment team that I know what the heck I’m talking about.

This has been one of the most difficult times I have ever experienced in my recovery. I felt like I was just inches away from checking myself into the hospital on multiple occasions. It was never recommended to me by staff and my boyfriend and Mom were quite against it, but I think I was ready to just withdraw from my life. I knew that depending on how long they kept me, I might end up so behind financially and with work attendance that I might lose my apartment and job, but I felt like I was so out of control. I can see now the role of anxiety, and I will continue pressing for a GAD diagnosis. With what happened with the antidepressants, though, I will research any anti-anxiety medication thoroughly before I agree to add it to my regimen and will mostly seek out non-medical solutions.

Also, another thing I am considering is enrolling in schema therapy. I am experiencing some progress with CBT, but it’s been a little slow this time around (I was in therapy before with excellent results). I can’t seem to be rid of this rigid, perfectionist, and highly self-critical “schema” that I seem to exhibit. I know, I know; we don’t self-diagnose in this house, but I just feel like I have a certain script that I’m just following, even if I know the script is flawed. Sometimes I feel like I’m watching myself freak out and self-destruct and I know that it’s unnecessary, but I don’t know how to stop. Lately, I’ve found myself just telling my boyfriend (when he advises ways for me to let go of perfectionism and relax), “I understand what you’re saying, I just don’t how to do that.” I know that when he tells me I obsessively try to pick apart and analyze every aspect of my life and actions and that it’s harmful to my recovery, that he’s right, but I don’t know how to turn around the behavior.

My therapist tells me that I must challenge negative thoughts at every turn and use kinder language regarding myself. Her favorite thing to say when I say something negative is, “What’s the evidence?” If I say I’m lazy, are being a student, holding down a job consistently, and being a graduate of community college the attributes of a lazy person? Isn’t “foolish” an awfully strong word to use for missing the deadline to return a rental to the school bookstore? My progress is slow, but I wouldn’t say that I haven’t made any. I think that I just need a clear goal. I did write down on my New Year’s Resolution sheet that I want to experience less self-doubt, and there must be a way to get there.

Right now, I’m trying to live life post-relapse, and yes, I would definitely consider this a serious relapse even if it didn’t require hospitalization. Routine has always been crucial for keeping my mind from going off the deep end, so starting group and trying to return to work have been essential for me. Leisure activities are also huge, so I’ve been making plans with friends. I’m still set to go to a concert with my younger sister, and this is her first concert, so I want her to really enjoy it. The day after the concert is my nephew’s fourth birthday party. In the more immediate future, I plan to start walking in the park again, and doing my laundry and getting things cleaned up around the house. I’ve already collected some money together and scheduled some bill payments while I’m still able. Next Friday’s paycheck is going to really suck, but I think I should still be able to pay rent, thanks to my mom helping me.

Miraculously, I seem to have survived this, so now I just have to take it one day at a time. My worst fears were nearly realized, but I climbed the highs of mania without falling off the mountain. Mixed mania is one of the worst things I have ever felt, in that I maintained my cognitive abilities but at the same time felt like I was going completely crazy. It nearly destroyed my life, but with determination and the help of loved ones and my treatment team I made it through.

You can, too. Don’t give up!

[the-connection]

It started while I was on a Hawaiian vacation in May. I judged I’d just tweaked my back promoting a poolside lounge chair. Back home, my back aching grew severe, and I started observing gut ache in my legs. For eight epoches I could just slither around the house. My wife and two daughters nicknamed me “the worm.” At 45, I’m in pretty good shape--avid cyclist, runner, weightlifter, yoga lover with a resting pulsation in the 50 s.

So it was weird when my primary care doctor threw me on a concoction of sting assassins, gut blockers, and cortisone shots. I even tried acupuncture. But as my back began to improve in late June, I started to feel off. Sick to my stomach. Weak. Couldn’t sleep. I lost more than 10 pounds. But I chalked this up to a few months of too much Vicodin after a lifetime of anticipating two Advil was excessive. My physician articulated I was fit and healthy and that there was no need to run any blood tests. He speculated aloud if this was all in my head.

It wasn’t like exertion was driving me crazy. Just the opposite. As the CEO of the startup Mighty AI in Seattle, I was on a roll and having a explosion. Our fellowship, which produces data to train artificial intelligence for self-driving gondolas and other lotions, was racking up new purchasers, constructing brand-new capabilities, shipping better software, and drumming the event. We were coming chatter. WIRED and The Financial Times wrote about us. There was a feeling that our growing unit could do anything it is imperative to. Morale was high-pitched, and our corporation was still small-scale enough -- 45 people or so--that I could chitchat with anybody at work about real things in life besides work.

Unfortunately, my nonwork life was get all too real. Typically I’m pretty good at unplugging from stress. When I’m experiencing down or the shit is hitting the supporter at the part, I unroll by hanging with my bride, Amy, and our daughters, Anna, 14, and Elsie, 11. I’ll play some music or go for a bicycle ride.

But that stopped making this summer. At the bureau I appeared guilty for not putting in 100 percent attempt. At home--well, I was a insect! After nearly a month of feeling unpleasant despite my back getting better and being off all remedies, I touch a wall. On July 26, a Wednesday, I finished my day’s gathers and drove myself to the least busy ER I know of--the one at Swedish Medical Center in the Issaquah Highlands, 20 miles east of downtown.

A couple hours later I announced Amy and asked her to join me. They’d previously done a assortment of tests and ruled out the obvious--urinary tract infection, epidural abscess--and were sort of grasping at straw. Over the phone, I requested Amy, who is a clinical psychologist, if she could think up anything else I should tell the doctors. “Have you told them about the darknes sweats? ” she requested, her belly settle. The look on the ER doc’s face when I overtook that on should have been my first clue.( Night sweats are a symptom of some early cancers .) They described more blood and did a CT scan.

About an hour eventually, a doctor who specializes in hospital admissions affiliated the ER doc to report on their findings. The ensuing representation is seared into my brain. He interposed himself to Amy and me so awkwardly that we could not understand him. I gently interrupted his prepared remarks to ask his refer, hoping this might set him at ease.

It didn’t. He went on to explain that I had countless tumors in my liver, pancreas, and chest. In add-on, he explained that I had quite a few blood clots, including in my heart and lungs. “What is' many’ tumors? ” I invited. He searched demolished, saying they stopped weigh after 10. I thought he might cry, and then he started in with some absurdity about how maybe it was all just bad evaluations, or perhaps I had a rare water-borne pest illnes. Amy inaugurated exclaiming, hard. I went into speechless jolt and simply tried to get this chap to shut up and leave.

Bencke and his wife, Amy Mezulis.

Kyle Johnson for WIRED

The next few hours were a blur of tests and procedures. They finally stopped protruding and prodding me at around 2 am. It’s kind of hopeless to explain how I find, let alone to continue efforts to share how Amy seemed. Neither of us slept that night. With intruders gone, I was finally able to cry. I knew I couldn’t fully understand it all. But the thought of breaking the story to Anna and Elsie procreated it all too real. Anna is tough--stoic, introspective, meticulous, deep-keeled. But still, she’s 14. Elsie is our little angel from sky. She’s bubbly, extroverted, universally adored, unusually empathetic, and sensitive. I simply couldn’t imagine her taking the report, let alone growing up without her daddy.

My head was rotating. Think of Amy produced fresh sobbings to my hearts because she and I have worked so hard to raise a family while pursuing two bold business. We had predicted one another that in a few years, when the girls foreman off to college, we’d cultivate less and walk more. Amy didn’t deserve to lose those daydreams, or her attendant, just as we were on the brink. Then I thought of my moms and pops. My mummy would crack. She lost her youngest son, Joshuah Paul, to a heroin overdose eight years ago. I screamed and exclaimed, and so did Amy.

Thursday we were right back at it. They had a lot to do--classify the cancer, measure its progress, propose management. They took a biopsy of one of the tumors on my liver. They surgically implanted a stent in my gall bladder, which immediately allayed my backed-up liver. The medical staff likewise looked for secondary impacts of the cancer. First among them was blood clots. A couple doctors examined my legs and replied, “Slim to zero fortune you have clots in your legs--they look too healthy. But let’s check.” A few hours later, bad news: My left leg had clots from my hip to my ankle, though thankfully not fully occlusive. My right leg had coagulates from knee to ankle.

We devoted often of Thursday waiting for the pathology report, representing a peculiar mental game trying to convince ourselves it was anything but pancreatic cancer. We’re not dumb--we could see how the MDs glanced away when scheduling alternatives and could hear how they demurred when discussing potentials. Maybe "its been" lymphoma--there were protrude lymph nodes. Perhaps it was colon cancer--that’s treatable, right? But little did we know that the official diagnosis would be the least of our concerns that day.

When the clock impressed 10 pm Thursday night, I passed out. I’d spoken with some of our friend during the day, but it was a bit awkward. What was I supposed to tell them? “Hey, I’m in research hospitals. I have cancer. Not sure what category. Oh, and a cluster of clots. But at least I can urinate! ” I’d shunned announcing my mama back. She’d phoned and texted about 1,000 times. I was certainly not ready to speak with her. I needed a full plan.

On Friday the docs woke me with an dire problem: They had noted a blood clot the dimensions of the a Ping-Pong ball in my heart’s right ventricle. If it separated loose, I would die instant, whether I was in an ER or my basement. To realize topics worse, they showed me an image of the coagulate, and it was precariously wiggling on an already-loose attachment. Each period my center outdo, the ticking ticking bomb swayed precariously. The lump was too big to suck out with a vacuum-clean, too risky to slice and remove bit-by-bit, and too big to remove from the side by divulging open a few ribs. Nope, removing it was urgent and would require cracking my sternum. Today.

Events were happening at a dizzying pace. Clearly I needed to start doing some calls--to renounce my character as Mighty AI CEO, to connect with my momma and other immediate family members, to alert more of my closest pals. It was around 9:10 Friday morning. Mighty AI’s weekly functionings meeting "wouldve been" getting started at 10:15, so I had a lot of calls to make.

I phoned our members of the security council one at a time, sharing the story to those used I contacted. Each of them was supportive and encouraged me to take a leave of absence to focus on getting healthful. I asked for and went full support efforts to refer our benefactor and CTO, Daryn Nakhuda, as Interim CEO. That made about 11 hours. At 9:21 I announced Daryn to share the report and ask if he were willing to serve as interim CEO. He was perfectly poised, encouraging, and ready to step up. I scheduled a 9:35 all-hands video meeting.

Why an all pass? Well, this was obviously large-scale report, and I wanted everyone to hear it all at once. I wanted to share it raw and to project confidence, anguish, and adore. Why video? Well, I acknowledge I regretted that pick a smidge when I watched myself in a thumbnail on my laptop screen with a infirmary night-robe, an open weave at my neck where they’d fished in the stent, and limbs connected to various IVs and beeping monitors.

I hadn’t practised, and I don’t recollect exactly what I announced. But here’s the gist of what I recall :P TAGEND

Hey folks, many of you are familiar I haven’t been seeming well for various weeks. Well, I checked myself into the hospital a marry nights ago, assuming they’d sounds a bad bladder illnes or something. Regrettably, as it is about to change, I have cancer. It looks like it’s metastatic, Stage 4 pancreatic cancer. I have extensive tumors in my liver, pancreas, and chest and quite a few blood clots. The worst of these may require immediate open-heart surgery to address the possibility that a large clot in my heart could cause instant death without warning.

Obviously I enjoy our company and our unit. We have created something really special now at Mighty. Just look at our recent account contract, having zero late deliverables, and flourishing our unit with people who will lend diversity. No mistrust in my spirit we will all looked at on these professional years as best available in "peoples lives", the age when we will have played a significant role in altering transportation.

I’ve ever thought of my job as your servant. Now it’s day for me to take a leave of absence were concentrated in my state. Effective instantly, Daryn is our CEO. Please proved him the respect and aid we all know he deserves. Each of us was already stepping up in new ways as we flourished. This just got all the more real for Daryn and pretty much everybody else, too.

I gotta be honest, my prognosis isn’t immense. So far, medical doctors with whom I’ve spoken have said my ailment is quite advanced, terminal, fatal. Don’t worry, I’ll be get brand-new physicians. I’ll be offline, but that will make it all the sweeter to come back when I’m ready and be amazed by all you will have accomplished. Thanks for "re giving me" the greatest honour of my professional life, and now go make me proud!

I could see lots of sobbings and scandalize. It was so sudden--for my squad and for me. The following Tuesday I phoned into the first council fulfill Daryn ran. Of direction he did immense. As we disbanded, everyone pleased me well. Every member of our board is a singular individual, and we’ve each bonded. So the goodbyes were psychological even wrap in the plated armor of venture capital. As we hung up, I realized I was surely no longer CEO. Took less than a week.

Bencke nurses up a picture of his family.

Kyle Johnson for WIRED

As it is about to change, they decided my liver and nature were too weak to risk surgery to remove that big lump. That led to three days of infirmary inertia as the oncologists and cardiologists suggested over what to do. On epoch five, Amy and a got a couple of MD friends started to question whether infirmary hell was in my best interest( one of the hospital’s endowments to me was pneumonia !), and on epoch six they got me checked out and sent home.

The clot is still here. I don’t feel better. My blood pressure is superb, my oxygen frequency 99 percent, and I have no chest pain. But in my memory I know it is there, and I know that necessitates it could detach at any second and kill me. I’ve always tried to live each day to its fullest, but this Damoclean time bomb spawns articulating goodnight to my girls all the more difficult.

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[professionalkidd]

Post Abroad Vacation Depression (PAVD)

I’ve recently returned from my first trip abroad and let me tell you, its was, fucking amazing. Never hit below 80, water clear as day, females everywhere, and an unlimited supply of booze served by curvy bartenders whom I’m 86% sure were getting sick of my shitty spanglish compliments.

Nonetheless, as all good things, you come at the end (or something like that). My friends and I had to leave our new found home and headed back to The States.

 From warm sand to frigid snow all in a matter of a 3 ½ hour steaming flight. As the airport alcohol and extracurriculars from the night before wore off, I could feel the all too real depression of reality setting in.

Popularly known as PAVD, or Post Abroad Vacation Depression, this spiritually crushing disease can be fatal if not diagnosed correctly. Below you will find the common symptoms:

SYMPTOMS:

Listening to that one hype pregame song you played every night before going out - You know that one song with the heavy beat that you probably know only the intro/chorus to but still played it ONE LAST TIME before you went out, yeah, DAT ONE. Your subconscious will want to return to the blissful state that said song reminds you of, the common “Take me back” nostalgic feeling. It may sound good the first couple times, but after about the 42nd time, it will only leave you in agony.

Low desire to see anyone that isn’t tan or in a bathing suit - Your mind has just been fed with countless images of tan and half naked people that were friendly and down for almost anything, pretty much the opposite of normal life.

Looking at fun videos/pics from the trip - Chances are you don’t remember taking a good amount of these, but I promise you whatever the content, it is better than what you are doing now and you can’t go back. You may feel like you’re there, having a good time, drinking with your friends, back with that girl you should have hooked up with..YOU’RE NOT. Save it for another day when you’ve accepted the fact its over and you are somberly explaining them to EVERYONE that comes and asks “Hey, how was your trip?! -_-”

Desire for attention - Vacation makes you feel like the fucking man. No one is a dick to you and you don’t give a hoot about your actions, basically your invincible. You quickly realize once you get back to cell service thinking your phone is going to blow up with all these texts, that once again no one loves you but your mom and social media is the only place you have “friends”

Okay, so I may have exaggerated a bit on the “fatal” part a bit earlier, but in comparison to all the white girls that are “literally dying” every minute of every day, this is right up there.

If you find yourself returning from some extravagant vacation from over seas, and PAVD begins to set in, here are a few treatments to get yourself back in shit shot shape.

TREATMENTS: “Embrace it”

Stay in bed- Please don’t misinterpret, you won’t be sick or immobile (unless you caught some terrible disease then stop reading this immediately and get your ass to the doctor) NO, you will simply be so disappointed with your surrounding environment that you will want no contact with anything but your own room. This is by no mean a bad thing “Embrace it”. Your room is your dojo, alllllllll yours. Lock the fucking door if you need to and just do you boo boo.

Be Fat - Well all know the “Vacation Diet” you planned to start months before your trip (but in actuality you starved yourself a few days before then did 7 pushups before you hit the beach) ended the moment you stepped off the flight. Exchanged with familiar foods and foreign booze, the true vacation diet. Fortunately, once you return, you will have the same disregard for you body and health, “Embrace It” Greasy and fatty foods for days, maybe weeks depending how far out you are from your next beach trip. The downside is you will not be in the highest spirits for spirits (alcohol)….but lets be honest, your liver probably held you ransom enough on the trip that you now owe it a great debt.

Sweats - If you are lucky/smart enough to plan your trip so that you return with a full weekend ahead of you, then your in luck! De-vacation yourself with a long shower and pick out your favorite sweats because I promise you that they won’t be removed for the next few days. You’ll be covered in sweat and food stains from head to toe, but there will be few around that want to look at your tan-lined face so “Embrace it!”

Binge Watching - Not that this is any different than your normal day life, but with all this extra-bum activity, you will easily crush a few season of your favorite show. Its your bodies way of tricking your brain into thinking your actually doing something worth while…all while doing nothing at all. Say it with me….”Eeemmbbrraaccceee Iiiiitttttt!!!!”

“Release” (NSFW) - This isn’t the cleanest of treatments, but its completely natural and you’re already a disheveled ball of dirty clothes and blanks so “EMBRACE IT!!” Now, if you have a significant other who DIDN’T go on the trip with you (emphasis the DID NOT because if they did, they are most likely sick of your ass and are alone experiencing the same thing) and isn’t currently disgusted with you’re Post-Trip transformation, this may have just gotten a lot easier. Get them to lend you a hand (or a few fingers for my female readers). However, if you are along which is 97% of us, have some pride and do yourself a service: rub one out! Its no secret there are few better feelings then getting your rocks off. Have no shame and do it for you. You’ll feel a load(s) better!

So if you find yourself walking in your cold empty house, fresh off the flight from what felt like another universe, you were most likely met with a smack to the face with a good ole case of PAVD. Take note of these symptoms and treatments and you just may make it out alive. OR, at least won’t call off/quit your job Monday from the sheer combined depression alone. Eventually you’ll be back to your old sheep life until you sack up again to escape to a better life! To that I say, Happy Travels!!!