#I struggle to believe that I’m really struggling because things used to be soooo bad. to be honest. and now it’s not bad. so why am I not

[werebutch]

Actually everything that I’m struggling with right now is the most normal thing ever for people my age so basically I have GOT to stop complaining and go skip into the sunset or something

[absolutebl]

This Week(s) in BL - yes yes I KNOW

Organized, in each category, with ones I'm enjoying most at the top.

Dec 2024 Week 1 & 2

Ongoing Series - Thai

Your Sky (Sun iQIYI) ep 3-4 of 12 - Them on the rooftop together (and cooking) learning how to flirt and be comfortable in each other’s space was so damn darling. Fah is so gentle and so enamored. its just endlessly soft. I love the nickname negotiation. And then next we got an illegally cute date!!!!! Yes this is slow but I don't care.

Love Sick 2024 (Sun iQIYI) ep 12-13 of 15 - I like we get more Phun/Dad conflict backstory in this new version. I'm chronicling my experience with 2024 as compared to 2014 here. (hasn't been updated, I'm struggling here)

Caged Again (Fri Gaga) ep 5-6 of 10 - Family (elder gays) to the rescue is a wonderful trope to see! So rare.

Also a v well done first kiss. 

Not gonna lie, I found the second episode overly weird and rather slow and drawn out. Did not need all the cartoon stuff. Also not really into the penguin outfit thing either. Not cute.

ThamePo Heart that Skips a Beat (Fri YT) ep 1 of 12 - Oh I absolutely adore it but...... it’s slow. But I don’t care because everyone’s so pretty. Po is a bit too much of a pushover for me and his sister (or whatever) is a bit too much of a sasang. So I don’t like that part. Hopefully these flaws will get rectified. But my oh my are they PRETTY.

Did I mention the pretty?

Fourever You (Thurs YT) ep 10-11 of 16 - These episodes were a bit better and I am warming Johan (if not to North). I think my issue with this story arc is I never love a tsundere seme. North's hair was epically bad, like 2008 Japan level terrible.

Hill & Ter’s make out and discovery scene was truly spectacular and very tense.

In ep 11 I got very confused because I thought we already saw the rescue from rape in the street scene? Or am I hallucinating? Anygay, most awkward kabedon ever in a BL.

Good kiss though.

And now we are in a very working girl a relationship. Cool if that's your thing, I guess.

The Heart Killers (Weds Gaga) ep 3 of 12 - I like the Khun Mehhh Boss lady character. I cannot stand the music in this show! Fake metal, fake tattoos, I'm getting Hollyoaks flashbacks. Lap sitting was cute and kink was a nice touch. Not sure about the dance tho. Fight scene was much better. Lots of action this ep. ALL the action really.  

Episode 4, however, I inexplicably couldn’t find. I clearly have to use my old-fashioned VPN work-around. And I don’t have access to that computer right now.

Perfect 10 Liners (Sun YT?) ep 6 of 24 - I did really enjoy the twist that the uke character (who is not in love) was more into having sex than seme character (who is in love). That was fun. And quite modern.

I do love them casually just walking around campus in waffle robes. For those who don’t know this is another dig at a BL trope. Frankly, now that there’s a lot more communication (and intentions have been made clear) between the two of them, I’m enjoying their relationship more. I still don't LIKE it. Also the ever present language play is making me happy. For those of you who missed it, the nuance of that krap from a prior perennially rude Arc is basically the equivalent of a semi-sarcastic but also kind of sweet “yes, dear.”

Meanwhile, Sea just popping up out of nowhere made me entirely too happy. I hooted with laughter, it was so ridiculous. Episode 7 I didn't pay much attention because the sound effects were particularly egregious - or was it just me? 

Spare Me Your Mercy (Thurs iQIYI) ep 2-4 of 8 - I went on a journey with this one this week. Ready?

2 - Ooo its very good. I like it a lot. The doc is soooo awkward it's almost believable and yet still sus. Such a great actor. I do keep wondering if they’ve already slept together at some point though. Like they once had a one night stand in college or something.  3 - I did not call the pharmacist and the hospital head kink. Nice twist. I do enjoy how very adult the relationship is between these leads, but I don't get a ton of chemistry. 4 - Well this show turned into something I was not expecting. I thought it was gonna be a sort of mystery but it’s not. It’s more crime thriller is he a serial killer thing. sorry all, but this is too dark for me rn. So I’m giving it a pass until it’s over and others have deemed it safe. 

Ongoing Series - Not Thai

Our Youth AKA Miseinen: Mijukuna Oretachi wa Bukiyo ni Shinkochu (Japan Tues Gaga) ep 5-6 of 11 - Oh it’s the classic flip halfway through so we get the other perspective. I forgot that was coming. Silly me. Anther one for the 2024 sniff test list list. Oh they gave such an achingly sweet sex scene Triggers are rough with this one. We are in for a world of pain. Why am I still watching?

See Your Love (Taiwan Weds Gaga) ep 8 of 13 - gosh they are so sweet. The Daddy/idiot-brat side pairing is epic. Wish they got more screen time.

Teenager Judge (Vietnam Sat YT) ep 11 of ? - finally stuff happened. 

Love in the Air: Koi no Yokan (Japan Sat Gaga) ep 6-7 of 10 - ugh, they kept the violation of the journal reading bit in the JBL version. It’s really hard to watch no matter what. I actually think the Thai version of that scene was better acted. But ho boy how do I ever like that character?

Love is Like a Poison AKA Doku Koi: Doku mo Sugireba Koi to Naru (Japan Tues ????) 11-12 end - Went pretty dark. Both psychologically, emotionally, and physically. I still like how the leads remained loyal and connected to each other though. Nice to see battle husbands again after so long. We don’t get them very often in BL these days. it’s just us against the world is always fun to watch. All that said  there’s quite a bit of chin stroking dialogue that was v on the nose and twee for JBL. Pleasure to see Haruto fight like a man who can actually fight, like the actor had some training or something (no idea if this is true). The final ep was satisfying and all in all, an enjoyable show.

A fun little JBL about a repressed lawyer who partners with (and then falls for) a beautiful street-savvy conman. Charmingly, they both come out the better and stronger for the relationship. The return of battle husbands, this time in the courtroom. Thank you, Japan, we appreciate a look in on an oft forgotten trope. 8/10

Be Moon - Falling for my enemy's son (China YT) movie from HBD Studio airing in short bits - this is another series of shorts that popped up on YouTube. It’s very pulp I not wild about it. Although I do like a lot of the tropes. 

Eyes on You (Hong Kong YT) - trailer, oh it’s mostly incomprehensible and really not good. I'd tell you what it’s about but I have no idea. There seems to be some sort of mystery and some violence and people fighting and a pair of lovers at the center of it who are being reunited. Or something.

It's airing but......

Winter Is Not The Death of Summer (Thai Weds YT) ?? eps - Criminals who meet in prison fall in love. I did find it on YouTube, initially un-subbed, then subs happened by which time I got distracted. The first episode seems to be only six minutes long. It is very pulp. But it is intriguing. For now it's to the wayside until someone tells me it landed safely. Occasionally Thai pulps want to be edgy and it's not a good look on them.

Secret Love (? YT?) 13-?? of 81 eps - I don't know what's going on either.

0.5D (Japan ????) 10 eps - Supposedly started 12/4 I couldn't find it though I'd like to watch. "Sales ace, Sada, has a secret that only his junior, Daiki, knows. He has pretended to have a gf for years, resulting in him being a virgin. But now Sada has fallen in love. Confused, Sada seeks advice from his junior." I sense another queer Cyrano De Bergerac. Info here.

Bad to Bed (Taiwan Sat YT) 10 eps - This is a little too low production value even for me + just very very odd. DNF

It Ended But?

Blue Canvas of Youthful Days (China Sun Viki) paused at eps 9-10 of 12 - I have been told the ending is OK if not great. I’m gonna hold off for a bit.

Bad Guy My Boss (Thai Sun Gaga) 10 eps - I DNF'd at ep 7, did anyone stick with this until the end? Thoughts?

Next Week Looks Like This:

No cal for you. Mine is borked. LIFE. Interfering with my BL. Again.

End of year drops:

12/14 & 12/21 The Renovation (Thai mini One31) 2 eps - Writer turns his blossoming romance with holiday resort owner into a novel.

12/20 Eternal Butler (Taiwan Viki?) 12 eps - When Ever 4, a sophisticated AI robot, becomes the personal butler to Luo Bu Shi, a spoiled yet lonely young heir, an unexpected love story unfolds. (Spin off from the first season, new cast.)

12/29 Sangmin Dinneaw (Thai ????) ??eps - trailer Childhood friends (Thai & Korean) reunite after being apart for ten years. As the boys reconnect, their bond matures and feelings of romance begin to develop, in Thai.

Impression of Youth (Taiwan ????) ??eps - rummors are thsi is supposed to start this month.

Upcoming BLs for 2024 are listed here. This list is not kept updated, so please leave a comment if you know something new or RP with additions.

THIS WEEK’S BEST MOMENTS

Peak humor. Very good.

STRAIGHT = wrong word

(All Perfect 10)

LOOK AT THAT FACE> GAH. (Fourever)

(2 weeks ago)

The tag BLigade: @doorajar @solitaryandwandering @my-rose-tinted-glasses @babymbbatinygirl @babymbbatinygirl @isisanna-blog @mmastertheone @pickletrip @aliceisathome @urikawa-miyuki @tokillamonger @sunflower-positiiivity @rocketturtle4 @blglplus @anythinggoesintheshire @everlightly @renafire @mestizashinrin @bl-bam-beyond @small-dark-and-delicious @saezurumurmurs

Don't complain you're lucky I got this done at all!

[anantplayingdnd]

1, 13, 14

ahhhhhh ty ty for asking! okay! so! answers under the break!!

[also spoilers. obviously]

1. How much of your campaign is RAW, how much is other people's homebrew, how much is your own homebrew?

I’d say probably somewhere around 50% of it is RAW, maybe 15-20% other people’s homebrew, and 25-30% my own. Especially early on, I pulled a lot from the works of Lunchbreak Heroes for the Death House, and have taken a good bit of lore and inspiration from MandyMod. My game has uses the Three Ladies (MandyMod’s version specifically), though I’ve taken them and added a lot of my own lore to them. At this point in the game we’re honestly past the point where like… 70% of the module has already occurred so I’m largely on my own at this point haha.

13. How did you play Strahd? What's his attitude towards the party, Ireena, the world in general?

Our Strahd is, in short, entirely unredeemable. He’s horrifically narcissistic, to the point that when he talks, he almost always makes himself the subject (grammatically) of the sentence. It’s never “You remind me of myself” it’s always “I am reminded of myself when I see you.” For most of the campaign so far, he’s seen the Wildflowers as nuisances and pests, but they’ve been obedient enough that he hasn’t been outright aggressive toward them. As of last session though, they outright started fighting him and refusing to do what he told them to, so now they’re properly on his bad side. Ireena is his prize, his one true love. He sees charming her as a means of helping her get over all of the baggage of their past so she can see his true self. He fully, completely believes Tatyana was in love with him. The world revolves around him and his will, and he has the utmost confidence that he is the most powerful man in existence.

14. How did you play Ireena? Did she stay with your party much of the time, or did they stow her someplace while they went off adventuring? (Or did she get kidnapped early on?)

Ireena is absolutely my self-insert character haha. She’s the party’s fated ally, and she’s been with them the whole time! At this point, I’ve actually handed mechanical control of her over to the players so I can focus on running the enemies. I changed things so she’s actually the older sibling to Izmark, and she plays into a lot of the eldest daughter traits. The Wildflowers aren’t the most charismatic, so her political power and knowledge have definitely come in handy. Her main struggles have been feeling really responsible for all the problems the Wildflowers have had, since in her mind, Strahd is only chasing them because of her. She just hit her second rogue level after finally standing up to Strahd and telling him, point blank, that she thinks he’s ugly and ancient and a disgusting unlovable monster. The party also did just have to convince her not to take a deal with the Dark Powers, soooo. Oh! and she’s aroace and has zero problem telling anyone who hits on her to fuck off.

[halfusek]

so lemme just put it out there: using AI for generating art, nevermind if for a joke or seriously, in this point of time, plain sucks

i’m refering here to that bendy highschool crush anime thing whatever i refuse to interact with stuff about this so i’m not exactly familiar but what matters is that it was AI generated AND even more so it was not mentioned anywhere that it was until people started pointing it out

there’s a few problems with that

first one is obvious - just the use of AI - as yall probably know its been a highly controversial topic these past few months, because of course it’s built on thief - first stealing artists’ work and then stealing their jobs; a joke or not it STILL uses that based in thief technology... though there do exist some AIs that asks artists for constent, for example the one that deviantArt created recently (and people misunderstood and spread a lot of false information about but oh well that’s a whole other thing) BUT generally these services for AI generation of images steal from artists - and not only! - they just take anything they can find fitting on the internet, even stock images and there was a case about a stock image site suing one of these AI services because *yeah* it’s just thief

another layer to all that adds the context of the game they made itself... like... BATIM/BATDR’s story is at its core about exploitation of artists and - apparently wether they like it or not - evils of capitalism (i still cant comprehend how Mike Mood can be anti union after making a game like this but like lol). it’s about art, about struggle with it and it’s just soooo out of touch to do something like this for a company making such game like hello?? if you wanna take from how artists are abused in big corporations then maybe have some decency and don’t use tools that abuse artists??? like that’s just so in bad taste man i have no words

then comes the fact that they waited with mentioning that AI is used is in the video. it STILL isn’t in the description of the video (the time im making this post is 13th april 2023 so the vids been up for 12 days), which i think AIs these days even require to be given credit?? but either way a lot of people didn’t even realize AI was used and i don’t blame them, not everyone pays attention to details or has an eye for them, this is why such information should be included... if it supposedly was meant to be “part of the joke” all along

which i find hard to believe? sure it came out on april first but.. how exactly is it a part of the joke? the AI generation was simply used for making the art for this fictional joke game. it could have as well been drawn by a real artist and no part of the joke would have been lost because it’s not part of the joke at all? like it’s not mentioned anywhere and it’s not obvious (Meatly even said they heavily photoshoped the images because they looked bad) so i’m asking how exactly AI being used is part of the joke here because it just seems like it was used as a mean of creation here and there was an attempt to hide that it was done at all

and if they really didn’t wanna spend time and effort on drawing it themselves (i get it, they might be busy with other things) then just A. don’t?? make anything?? or B. use an AI that doesn’t steal from artists and credit it so people know? and if it’s reeeeaaally a part of the joke then actually make it part of the joke? even a singular line of commentary laughing off at AI would make this actually work but there’s just nothing

i’m glad that Meatly said they aren’t planning on using it for anything serious but using it for a joke is still using it like sorry but that’s just how it is

and the whole ordeal of not saying what AI it is just rubs me the wrong way because high chance is they aren’t doing that because this AI is one of those that steal from artists so... eh... like i realize this is an assumption but i think it’s fair to be a bit skeptical about them after everything they’ve done :’)

[bisexualrapline]

I've seen your blog and you really do seem to love Yoongi a lot. Can I just ask, what are your favourite things about him? ☺️

i woke up to this ask so good morning friend. i’m stumped for words honestly i feel like i’ve tried many times (and failed many times) to articulate exactly how much yoongi means to me in words but choosing my favorite things about him seems like even more of an exercise that i am doomed to fail at 😭 let me just say what follows is an inconclusive list and leave it there before i spend my entire workday philosophizing about the love of my life fkskdkdk

i love how big his heart is. i could provide endless examples of him showing his big heart and i’m sure some of them will come up in points below but it should suffice to say that he thinks and cares so deeply for the people in his life, it genuinely inspires me to do the same for the people in my life

i love how much he loves bangtan. you can just tell with the way his eyes shine when he talks about/to them. the way his mouth quirks up in the slightest smile when he’s fond. the words he says about them too are always so well thought-out and almost like… savored. like he’s turned them over and over in his head and tested them on his tongue so many times. he loves those boys like i can’t imagine loving anyone

i love How he shows love. watch any bangtan content and you’ll see what i mean. in the soop when he made jihope tuna on crackers while they were playing just so he could lie next to them on the couch and be satisfied that they had a snack while they were playing games. the way that he’s been widely seen as this “cold” person has never made sense to me because from what i’ve seen of him, his door is always open to those he loves. and they know it.

i love how much he loves soft and cute things. he’s such a living conundrum of a person. i think sometimes people struggle to fit All of him inside their heads. like yes he can be big bad rapper man AND also love ballads and tangerines and puppies and fluffy cute things and to pout in selfies and wear makeup and skirts and look pretty. i just think the way he’s so comfortable walking the line and sharing different parts of himself with us is soooo like… we’re so privileged to get to see so much of him.

i love how we’ve gotten to see him grow and see his mindsets shift over time and how effusive he is about the members playing a part in that. i talk a lot about how seokjin must have influenced a lot of the ways that yoongi’s feelings about life and the world we live in have shifted over time and it genuinely does warm my heart to know how deeply he processes the things said to him by the people he loves. to affect a mindset change so much to be able to impart wisdom that could literally change someone’s life really requires that level of trust and love to believe so deeply in what someone else says to you about their feelings. idk was this a coherent point? i haven’t taken my meds yet this morning skdkskd

i love the ways in which he expresses himself. i think yoongi is one of the greatest living artists on this earth. no single other artist on earth has ever impacted me so deeply with their music and lyrics before him. leaving aside music and lyrics, even just his words are art to me. i cherish the things he shares with us because i’ve never felt so seen or understood by someone who i will likely never meet.

i will stop there because if i keep going i may start crying and never stop. hope this answered your question somewhat?? 💗

[shefromhouston]

Why do you think it is narcissistic mothers are so invasive, and love to argue?? I live at home because I unfortunately cannot afford to be on my own because I don’t make enough…she is constantly wanting to argue with me and when I try to defuse it and say she’s right or say “okay” she wants to argue and escalate it more to where I am so upset and yelling…then she goes “why’re you yelling…” as if she didn’t lead it to come to that point even after I said I didn’t want to argue and that she was right?! Oh and she pretends she wasn’t yelling at all prior…it’s just getting awful and don’t understand how someone can have it in them to argue all the time….. She was cleaning my room to and found pregnancy tests …wanted to know all about it saying “it’s gross” kept asking invasive questions as to who I have been with and all that…i said to her “really you think that’s appropriate to ask me about, then proceed to want to know about it make comments and think I owe you information??” And honestly, I’m not sure she is a narcissist? but she makes me feel awful and every time we argue it’s not just a little argument it’s always so bad…and like I can never be too close to her or tell her anything because I feel with her it’s “all or nothing”….and I really am already depressed like barely can get out of bed some days, cry all the time in my room, late a lot to work…and I get it’s frustrating for her but I don’t get how she is being is going to be helpful…. any input?

I don’t know when you sent this but please forgive my late response; I have soooo much to say about this I don’t believe I can possibly find all the words to sum it up in this response but I can say I have and still am experiencing this…I am now 26 so my relationship with my Mother has changed and hasn’t at the same time. I moved out on my own when I was 19 years old, but during my freshman year in college and ALL through highschool and some of middle school (like the moment I hit 13) my mom and I have been in this constant push and pull. I don’t believe my Mother is a narcissist but at one point I MOST DEFINITELY thought so. Now she does have narcissistic tendencies and is VERY selfish so I can understand what you feel when you question if she’s an actual narc or not, the stress they cause can be so much that that would be the most logical explanation to their irrational behavior. But after being in a relationship with an actual diagnosed narcissist, I really understood the differences. My mom would constantly kick me out(even when I was underaged) pick fights with me, yell and argue for HOURS on end. She would invade my privacy by asking very intrusive questions and she would read my journals…she would say the most cruel things to me out of spite or misplaced anger. It was just bad. I was desperate to get out when I got home from Tuskegee. So desperate that my first apartment was like a guest house near TSU where I transferred to…It was hard, I struggled but I wanted my relationship with her to heal but ugh to this day, I hesitate to answer the phone for her. I love her. truly. but she STILL stresses me out every time I speak to her or every time i’m around her. She uses her health to excuse her behavior or guilt trip me into to talking to her. She was financially manipulative as well when I was living with her and little bit after I moved out until I had a friend teach me how to set better boundaries with my money and her. Sorry for going on for so long but jeez my mom has been a large part of my trauma and depression. The root of a lot of it.

but the advise I can give may be a little frustrating due to you not being able to move immediately but I strongly suggest you put distance in between you two (which could be a reason she’s acting like that, many parents believe their job stops at 18) but moving away saved my sanity and slightly improved my relationship with her. Mainly because I now have control over how much she can interact with me. When you’re under their roof, they will make you pay with your peace of mind. But until you can do that, I survived by gray rocking. Gray rocking is giving the minimum amount of energy you can to the person, this is also how I would eventually survive an abusive relationship with a narcissist. When they ask questions keep your answers as short and simple as possible. When they present issues or try to start arguments and you know being agreeable won’t work, separate yourself, leave the house for a bit if you can. Find a friend you can trust and see if you can make a safe haven at their place when things get heated at home. Go to the park. something…but do not engage. I’m telling you now, conversations with people that are committed to finding a problem or misunderstanding you won’t get you anywhere, don’t waste time trying to have sit downs with her until you have moved out and focused on yourself for a while…I am so sorry you are experiencing this and I pray you find solace sooner than later.

[stellahaze135]

i’m sure the grown ass adults that have been groomed as adults by people who were, say, their bosses, older family members, or older partners feel SO overjoyed at you making a post telling them that they’re using the wrong word for their trauma. you care SO much about real life victims that’s why your post was raising awareness about real life grooming and not about a more than decade old video game

1.) Again, that’s not grooming, that’s manipulation. There’s a difference. Grooming happens when a power dynamic between an adult and a MINOR is clearly inappropriate. It doesn’t even have to be sexual in nature however and unfortunately most of the time it is. When an ADULT coerces another ADULT it’s just that. Coercion and manipulation. Because an adult has, generally, a grip on what is morally and socially right and wrong they can’t be ‘groomed’ or as the old awful saying goes ‘teach em while their young.’ Grooming is shaping a CHILD to the gratification of whatever adult is preying on them. Manipulation and Grooming are two different things.

2.) Ya know how I know? I was groomed at the age 5 by my uncle, who no one in the family but my mom believed could do such a thing, but then went on to do the literal same thing to his own minor daughters years later. And because of that and coming to terms what was done to me I was able to get out of a relationship with a partner that was just as manipulative. See how I said manipulated because as an adult (neurodivergent and mentally ill as well) was still able to be aware of the clear power imbalance between the two of us (me being neurodivergent and sexually inexperienced at 24 and him being a self admitted ‘troll’ with much more sexual experience than I a virgin, spoiler alert real life trolls are just as awful irl as they are on the internet in my experience.) and before it got to bad I was able to get the fuck out. Only took him back once for like a month and then it was splitsville for real.

I understand my situation to some people could be relatively tame. But trauma is trauma baby, and that shit leaves deep deep scars that even today in my 32 years of existence still struggle DEEPLY with. A huge fuckin chunk thanks to my uncle who now rots in jail, and truly hope he dies there. The man in many ways has ruined my life as a happy healthy human who can trust and love freely, but here we are. 32 aroace who can’t form meaningful relationship (especially with irl men) because that fucker shattered my trust. (Not to mention the slew of shitty friends.)

So I’m sorry ANON, but who the hell are you to tell me what I know from first hand experience.

This is what happens when you start spouting terms that aren’t meant for the statement. It gives when people say ‘my ocd is soooo bad I’m just such a neat freak.’ But the person with ocd is like ‘excuse me what do you know?’ Even about fictional characters and video games. Because art reflects real life.

Do you REALLY think that after everything that has happened in the last three years that RE5’s plot and setting will really go over that well when it is eventually remade? Even if it’s Chris fucking Redfield, a white man shooting down a bunch blacker than black AFRICANS infected with a ‘zombie virus’ when the word zombie originated in black culture of Haiti will go down well? Like I’ve come to adore Resident Evil but there is some more problematic shit than a grown ass morally wrong woman getting manipulated and played by an equally neigh even more terribly morally defunct man.

Thank you.

[jazzythursday]

⭐

for the ask 😁

Ahh, making me choose between my own children, huh?

From In careful moderation (of all good things)

“But what if there isn’t?” Wylan says, getting a bit heated but unable to stop it. “What if it’s like, you aren’t used to having sweets, right? What if you get so used to not eating them that you forget what they taste like, and then one day someone comes along and gives you a big cake, and you eat all of it, and then there isn’t any left? What if you don’t get to have any more cake after that, ever again?”

…

“It’s my experience,” she says kindly, carefully, “that—cake—doesn’t really work like that. If you worry so much about running out, it’ll just go bad, and you can’t eat stale cake, or—well I have, but I wouldn't recommend it, anyway—Wylan, you’ll miss out on so many things, not letting yourself enjoy them. And, really, it’s people who bake cakes, who love cakes. And they bake all different kinds, so you can always go back and get more, and they might even be better than the first. And I imagine that—Saints, alright, look”—she breathes sharply and squeezes Wylan’s hand again—“if this person really loves baking cakes, I imagine they’d feel pretty awful, then, if they gave one to someone who didn’t eat it.”

So so soooo. I just really love Nina and Wylan as friends in general, but I felt like for so many reasons Nina was the perfect person to have this conversation with him. I love the ways Nina is described in the books, and one that’s always stuck out to me is Matthias saying “she savoured everything, whether it was a toffee or cold water from a stream or dried reindeer meat.”

Nina enjoys things, and she doesn’t hold herself back, which is Wylan’s entire MO/coping strategy and in a lot of ways it has protected him, but now he’s at the point where it isn’t going to work anymore. Nina and Wylan’s perspectives are entirely different, and I love the idea of that having benefits like this, where Nina gets to say hey, this is not the only way to be. You can and do deserve to let yourself have the things you want. It’s okay to be happy.

At the same time, the conversation is too hard to have using literal terms, and so The Cake Metaphor—Wylan has been deprived of cake (love and affection) for so long that even now that he has it he’s terrified that it’s going to be taken away from him like it’s been before so many times. And it all comes back to Jesper. Jesper isn’t cake, he’s the baker, and ultimately it’s Nina saying that holding himself back from him wouldn’t just hurt Wylan, it would hurt Jesper, too, that really drives the point home. Even if it’s not intentional, keeping himself from enjoying this new relationship without fear would feel like, in a lot of ways, a rejection of/to Jesper. And I don’t know that Wylan would recognise that on his own, because Wylan doesn’t value himself enough to see how much Jesper offering it to Wylan is such a big deal for him too.

Tldr: there’s going to be a learning curve in terms of giving and receiving love, and I think as happy as Wylan is about Jesper and the key, there are still so many ways he’s going to struggle in terms of not expecting it to be taken back, or believing he deserves it at all. But this is a start.

Also, if you can’t tell, author loves cake about as much as Nina Zenik loves waffles. I’m with Nina on this literally, too. (Author has also eaten stale cake before. I also wouldn’t recommend it, but I don’t regret it either…)

Am I sort of talking to myself in this story because I also get so afraid of losing things I care about before I’m ready that I put it off until it’s too late anyway so the choice isn’t mine anymore? No! Uh… Why do you ask?

[tryingtolearnartsob]

WHAT A DAY TODAY WAS!!! VERY FULLFIED N HAPPY N PROUD N ALSO MIX OF I WANT TO GET BETTER AHHH….. :’

— I got back into ft and was doodling characters and then had sudden urge to draw a more finished piece… and i decided this time to use a ref. it helped with idea and giving a base base for the male but I didn’t want to copy the pose one to one so I changed stuff and ahaha well. it wasn’t easy. and by god, the LEGS. Legs really a Big Weakness of mine. this one was soooo hard to try to get right. the struggle… at one point I was really just gonna crop to hide the legs but I didn’t want to do that.

— also as you can see from the last and before last pic… I also realised another thing that “felt��� off was lol that the entire pic was tilted… another thing I’m realising that I have a problem with my works. I tend to tilt stuff. so something to work on. I feel like there’s some kind of tilt…. still…

— I’m not completely satisfied with the legs and also my god. the arms was very hard too…. :’ BUT MAN. FORGETTING ALL THAT!!!! It’s so. So. Satisfying to look at this omg. I’m sooooo happoyyyy. And can’t believe. I really do want to more finish this piece… I honestly don’t have more finishing pieces which is what I want to have. Like disappointed prev I only have doodles and figure prac stufd to look back at. That’s why I have this goal to do more “bad” finished art. So that I can look back and clearly see my progress also just. There’s this endearness in having seeing your old art that you worked hard one :’

— anyways man after riding this high I needed to create more shit!!!!! so I DID. I had an idea and went right into it:

—and let me tell you, I seriously felt like crying when I drawing the more cleaned up version because my gosh, it’s so so so nice to be able to have this image you want ONTO THE PAPER. it’s something I struggled so hard with and now HERE I AM. oh my godddd. it feels SO FREAKIN NICE. I’m so happyyyy so so happyyy SO UNBELIEVABLY HAPPY :’ :’ :’ this is also another reason I want to create more finished pieces ahhhhhhh

— also lmao I didn’t realize while trying to clean up the initial sketch but oh wow when I utilized the canvas flip, I was like wtf? Why is the drawing so tilted and omg seeing them beside by beside lolololol.

—also initially this one was meant to be a simple character holding umbrella up… but I’ve been watching fixing art videos lately and composition ones and learned some stuff and thought it would be fun to incorporate and oh man it’s been so fun as I builded up the illustration. thinking about the beside it. first I was gonna go with flowers framing but I felt like it was too much circly stuff especially with the umbrella unique shape… so I went with curtain blowing… and ahaha I have this whole cool idea to add in when…

— I realized wtf, curtains aren’t on the outside but inside.., sIGH. I would like to ignore that and continue to draw it but :/ unfortunately I can’t 😭😭😭 it’s gonna BOTHER me. but I think I got an idea to still keep the initial idea. Also I do want to make changes still… the og sketch composition feels so much better with the curtain blowing… also as I was drawing I did realize wtf I don’t know how to draw curtain fabric… so I went hunting for refs and. Ahhh I do really like that part of process — I don’t know. It just feels more fun. Like I feel like a proper artist if that even makes sense…

— in middle of all that, ahahah, I really had this sudden urge to add color and so tried. and yeah, I suck at it but also it did help greatly with the what I felt like clothing lost…. like with the wrinkles/folds 💀💀💀 soooo hard to find any side ref for it I was losttt and I do like what the colour adds even if it’s not the best… there’s a lot to change n add to this piece and I do hope I get around to it…

— also a shame but I feel like with the trying to keep the tilt the right way, I lost some of the dynamicness the og sketch had awww. and honestly cba to try and change stuff around. who knows MAYBE I will get to. but honestly looking back at other wips I have from dec ahahahab. I Doubt it. But whatever.

— and of course after this I wanted to CREAT MORE STUFF!!!! And I did had this idea and well….

ahaha yeah. Didn’t go so well

— the problem was. well. I rushed too fast into it. I mean, yeah. I did have idea in my head into what I wanted but it’s another thing trying to get it onto paper. the last one was diff since it’s a just side pose that I practiced a lot so it wasn’t a struggle to get down. the struggle was mostly the clothes n stuff. but this one is more complicated and I just had a image. I should have sketched out roughly and also considered the hands more. like a issue I noticed I have is that: I think of the one hand that’s doing something but then the other one I have noooo. clue to do with

— anyways after that I just couldn’t bother to proper with this one and left it, like going back to it some other time ahahah.

— next one up 💞💞

—this time I went back to refs, and saw this one and wanted to draw and ahahah I changed it completely. the only thing I took from was the way they were close and the way the guy was grabbing the girls’ face. everything else. real estate world.

— and ngl I was loosing some hope/feeling disappointed n sad around here n frustrated too… like sighhhh I did feel like I forgot shit but I’m realizing now I really didn’t…? More like my structure to starting sucks. The foundation ain’t strong. But I was completely changing the ref and challenging myself, since the ref they were sitting and I struggled with trying to get them to feel they were interacting

— bring the girl closer didn’t really do anything… other than make the pose weirder and I did want to be able to see more of her arm then I had a revelation: what if I made the guys body more side profile. haha I did felt a bit fhdjjdk erasing n changing the position of guy completely but it was kind of fun in a way. made me feel like a real artist heheh heheh. and OH BOY IT MADE THE PIECE SO MUCH !!!!!!! like LOOK!!!! the DIFF!!!!

— it made me get excited for it more…. and lol the legs again… I felt like it would be boring to make it too straight but don’t really know how to make it diff…..

— but anyways right now very happy with how it’s coming along and kinda dreading having to add clothes and do expressions. for the guy anyways. the girl’s expression is already down ahaha…

— as you can see at this point, I didn’t really do at all. or more I didn’t at all do any figure parc and honestly I didn’t even want to…. It pales so much to how much fun this stuff is but I did feel like I needed to get back to it. Cuz my foundation also I need to work on gesture and look at the legs more closely as I draw and the arms too..,,.

— and I did have this new idea for another piece to do and this one will def will be a challenge. but one thing i started to be consciously be aware of even as I was picturing this new idea: is to think of how the other arm would behave and the space and how the characters are turned towards each other and the space they hold…. This one will be quite ambitious since loolol they will be four characters 💀 and HOPEFULLY will add in a background too…. I have some idea in my head about the space n the poses…

— while doing the figure pracs, I did doodle an general idea of how I wanted the first two characters to be interacting and ahahah yeahhh it didn’t come out greatttt. but I thought it would be a lil better than that so it was honestly disappointing but it’s okay…. I can practice also did help to realize to not put a lot of expection into how this turns out but that’s also a kind of struggle since ha….. I already have this nice image in my head 😔😔😔 gonna be so disappointed if comes out So Badly. But also not surprised since after all this is a very ambitious piece for me… ahahah………….

[toehwa6]

What’s up pookie got more bitchin to do

Dawg everyone around me is fuckin insane

Little cousin is a trash goblin who is the blind kind of ambition that can be good or bad

Instead of being a hater I was like ima support this dumbass, make some music, let him push it and build out catalogs

But I’m tellin this kid how I believe in him but his are priorities are fucked point him in the right direction blah blah blah

And he goes

Yeah cuz I know I got the talent, I just gotta blah blah blah

So fucking stupid. I’m just gonna watch him do his thing cause honestly it makes some somewhat good quality from using presets and his music is fr absurd/entertaining

Also, he says the N word, which when I called him out for it, he replied

Naw they say it around here it’s all good

So yeah, kinda hope that doesn’t bite me in the ass for workin with this bozo

Dawg lemme tell you somethin funny

So he’s beefin with his friend and diss each other and make diss songs all that bullshit

So my cousin goes, let me know what you think about this diss

The title is “FUCK (Cousins name)”

So I’m like okay his friend wrote this about him

Turns out it’s all shit. But in the beginning there’s this line

“Yo auntie don’t want to see another family member dead”

And I for one, have a dead lil brother, two, a sad mom lol

So I was like damn this a crazy bar

So I asked cousin about it and he’s like oh no I wrote that

Soooo I’m like wtf dawg shit

And he goes

Naw so his mom died and his auntie raisin him that’s why

Like bro Jesus Christ what’s wrong with this fuckin people

Dawg my lil homie finally got a bitch and she’s cool I met her yesterday

But bro she literally has like aspie meltdowns in public when shit gets mildly difficult

Like she was tryna make a complicated dispensary order, at a new dispensary, for multiple people, with no money

And bro she just lost it and like broke down

Bro she looked fuckin SCARED all day I felt so bad fr like bro you are scared rn

Idk she was also super pissy too, like when her phone was about to die when making that order

It’s just a m, WELL WTF ARE WE GOING TO DO??

And then you could see she got super upset and I was like bitch, chill

I ended up talking to her about mental health at the end and it was wacky

I just asked her how she was doing and shit

Turns out she wants to learn about basic finances and budgeting

She’s going to be more honest with her docs about now takin her meds right

And then I straight up told her to stop being a pussy

I was like bro, you gon be scared forever. And shit only gets harder fr. Push through it’s worth it

She fr took it super well. She had that attitude where she’s super fucked up and doesn’t have anyone real to talk to, so she was like oh fuck this my time

It was cool. It was so joyful seeing this happy young couple together. They remind me of me and my gf. More friends than partners. I like that.

But you could see her tryin to make moves on him, and he was just super oblivious, as you are at that age lol

But I also noticed him struggle to handle those freak out moments. He handled it well but you could see he ain’t dealt with this before.

They’re both cool tho. I set them up with some good actual resources. I was teachin homie about finances, like emergency funds, the 50% rule for bills, and then I said

Just because you got the money for somethin, doesn’t mean you can afford it.

Then I said

Think about that huh? And I tapped my head lol

But naw fr, he’s super cool about it.

He’s said some really nice things to me lately.

I randomly helped him through basically a business break up.

And he was freakin out and I took a chance and was hard on him instead of suckin his dick

He was like my life is over bro and I’m like

Quit being a pussy bro, that’s life. It ain’t always gon be good shit. This is part of the process

I was like, you were in a toxic situation, you learned a lot, and you made some money, now you’re out but you learned those skills

He really turned around and looked different about it

But then he thanked me for bein a good friend to him. That made me feel good

I’ve known him since he was like 16 and he’s 22 now I think

Super cool

I think this shit crashing so ima cut this and start another one

[precambrian-sea-pancake]

There’s a reason I’m not very public about being in this fandom, sadly. I’m hoping to change that though.

I’ve kinda broke out of my shell with Hazbin Hotel, but I’m struggling with AVATAR.

I’m so used to having my interests crapped on or seen as cringe.

Thankfully, I’ve met a few discord friends who really like it and I show people my thanator figurine whenever I can!

The hate this movie gets is extremely absurd to me. Because there’s really no reason to HATE it. Dislike it? Absolutely, art is subjective. I think they’re amazing movies, but worst case scenario I can’t see them being worse than mid.

Oh my god, the complaints I’ve seen for this movie series is dumb as shit.

I’ve seen people who say the message is poorly executed but I believe those people miss the point. They claim it demonizes humans when…it doesn’t?? Especially after FOP Pandora came out. AVATAR is NOT and never was anti-humanity. The humans in that story are victims of 1% who killed their planet. There’s very anti corporate messaging in the movie. The human side in the first movie was scientists vs greed. If it was anti human, there would be no human allies. Not to mention it’s from the POV of PEOPLE BEING MASS MURDERED!?? Why would they make the side committing literal genocide morally grey? In real life, that shit was never morally grey.

Then I see complaints about the plot being cliche. That I agree with, but cliche doesn’t mean bad. I think the execution was good enough to warrant appreciation. Most people who say “nobody even remembers their names” probably wasn’t even paying attention. I stg if I hear the “it’s a Pocahontas rip off” I’ll scream. At least AVATAR had the audacity to be fictional and not disrespect the memory of a poor tortured and abused girl. At least AVATAR didn’t end in “everyone gets along” and instead told the story of people rightfully fighting back. While it is and can be problematic (I’ll let indigenous people have that discussion, though I’ve seen mixed opinions on that side, still not my place), I think it handles the situation in a more appropriate way.

Those are the two complaints that make me go “tf movie did you watch?” But there’s soooo many more.

I honestly think it just boils down to two things I’ve seen.

1) The fanbase is niche but the movies are extremely profitable.

Let’s be real, it’s not like most sci-fi movies. A lot of people in the fandom are either furries, people who love speculative evolution, people who have an interest in anthropology, or people who enjoy other niche things. Not a descriptor of everyone, but of all the people I’ve met who enjoy it. It gets so much money because people enjoy watching it due to visuals, but the people who stick around are not the average movie goer. That’s okay! Everyone should have things they enjoy. But when people see a niche fandom getting multiple movies and a Disney park, they get upset because it isn’t for them. Those people need to grow up.

2) The theme makes people uncomfortable.

AVATAR is NOT subtle, at all. People are used to political messages in movies being less front and center. People don’t want to see a story that paints humanity as the bad guy in this way. These people are misunderstanding everything but either way, they don’t like it. Unfortunately this mentality is popular these days.

Sorry for the rant, but the hate annoys me a lot.

"Avatar is the most overrated movie ever!!1!" bruh. Outside of its fandom circles, you can barely even mention Avatar on the internet without getting swarmed by people whining about how much they think it sucks.

You may have had an argument for Avatar being overrated back in 2010 when it was brand-new and people were still loosing their minds over the effects and such, sure, but in 2024? nah dude, the bizarre anti-fandom this movie's accumulated has been so vocal for the past nearly decade-and-a-half that it's circled right back around to underrated

[endthecycle]

Indoor person turned runner

As a child, I’ve always wanted to be active and sporty. Maybe not with ball games like Volleyball or Basketball but with Martial Arts. We didn’t have time back then and I never really voiced out about wanting to try sports. So my main activities before were video games, art and music. Very indoor girl. I would go home from school, go straight to the computer or my handheld console and play for the rest of the evening (except when I had homework). I never went outside to play with other children of my age. I was in my very own peaceful world.

Fast forward to present. I am now a runner. Yes, you read that right. But I’m not the speedy runner that you see on TV or the distance runners participating in marathons, just a beginner runner who enjoys running a good few kilometers and joining small races. So what made me go from being a gamer who spent most of my time inside my room to a person who spends most of her leisure time working out and running? Take note, I am bad at being physically active. It’s like my body just accepted that I will be sitting down the chair and stare at the TV with household chores as my only exercise in this lifetime. I finished my studies and got my first job being just that. What changed?

My partner introduced me to running. He and I met when I was a slightly heavier person. Unlike him, I gained weight when I started working so when I gave running a try, it was soooo difficult and felt like punishment. I could only run straight for 200 meters then I would stop, catch my breath and continue again for the next 200 meters. My form and foot strike were also bad that those are enough proof that I spent most of my childhood life indoor and never played tag with other children.

If I’m being honest, trying out a hobby that I am not good at or makes me feel like a loser is not really my thing. I used to hate doing things that I’m not good at. I loved drawing because I was good at it. I loved playing instruments because I learned how to play them fast. Struggling at something was not new but never really my preference. I will either be good at something in a short span of time, be good at it instantly or not do it at all. But running was different. I suck at running (pardon my poor choice of words). I was so bad at it that I almost felt like giving up. “Running is not for me”, “I am not built to be a fit person”. These were the thoughts that rang inside my head for months. Days and months flew by, I started running regularly. There were mornings when I didn’t feel like running. There were so many times when I lost the drive to keep going and I gave in so many times too. It was only this year that I got serious about running. I bought my first ever expensive pair of running shoes. The pair I used to run with was so light that I felt slower when I ran with my new pair. But it motivated me even more simply because I wanted to be faster in that pair and I also wanted to run in this great location covered with trees (but mostly uphill)…or maybe because that pair was expensive, I didn’t want to waste a 7k worth of shoes!

Going back to getting serious, I started signing up on races, earning medals and reaching mini goals that I set for myself. Who would have thought that I could run? Haha! My parents wouldn’t believe that if I told them the first time. This hobby got expensive, I bought nicer workout clothes, 2 new pairs of running shoes for my daily runs and race days and signed up to more races but I’m loving how it transformed me inside and out. Of course I got slimmer after a year of running but most importantly, I learned how to let go of my ego. I will not always be good at something, I have to accept that being a beginner is okay. Struggling is okay. Being bad at something is okay but one can always aspire to overcome their weakness right? I wanted to overcome my weakness. It brings a smile to my face to know that I, who used to be so bad at running, learned to love it through the hardships. I wanted to enjoy the process of being slow and see how far I can go.

To my partner, my heart and my best friend, thank you for joining me on my journey. It amazes me how we are slowly being transformed, individually, from the person that we were, to the “much better” person today and “even more better” version of us that is yet to come. You were also there since day 1, from being my personal coach, photographer, chauffeur, videographer to someone who is running the same race with me. Let’s finish this race together.

[buckseb]

light in the dark

pairings — avenger!james (bucky) barnes x bff!fem!avenger!reader

summary — in which, she’s been struggling for far too long and bucky seems to be the only one who notices.

word count — 6.0k.

warnings — angst, fluff, best friends to lovers trope, use of pet-names [sweetheart, doll], mentions of trauma, depression, suicidal thoughts/attempts, eating disorder, basically reader just being completely miserable, bucky literally being the most comforting and softest man in the world, mentions of reader being an empath, kisses, lowkey a hurt/comfort fic. also, i ended up leaving this fic with the promise of the reader and bucky getting together at the end, instead of a for sure type of thing, mentions of reader being organized and her stress-cleaning coping mechanism and being a bad liar.

notes — y’all, i know i have a LOT of requests to get through, BUT i haven’t really had any inspiration/motivation and have been having a LOT of writer’s block. soooo... i am writing this, because recently i’ve been literally at my absolute worst—the rockiest bottom ever. anyways, the point is, in this fic, i’ll be talking about some very serious things that i’m now and have been dealing with for awhile now. i also want to say that if you yourself struggle with these things too and it’s a big trigger or a sensitive topic for you, PLEASE, don’t feel obligated to read it. this is really just for me to get my feelings out and try to cope with my super messy life right now and also to show that you’re not alone if you go through any of these extremely important and serious issues yourself. it’s okay to not be okay. anyways, gif and divider creds to owner!

p.s., feedback is very much encouraged and appreciated <3.

main masterlist

SHE DOESN’T WANT TO DO it anymore — she can’t.

it hurts too much — she knows that all too well.

her mental illnesses were bound to cause her to lose interest in things and to even grow distant and unmotivated to do things.

but, as an avenger? that took even more of a toll on the woman than you’d ever believe.

it most certainly doesn’t help that she’s had to keep all of this hidden from everyone — especially bucky. 

that’s the thing, though.

he’s not just her colleague. he’s her bestest friend in the entire world — the one person that she turns to for almost absolutely everything.

well, maybe not everything.

where her mental state and stability is concerned, he doesn’t have a single clue. and that’s certainly not his fault.

sometimes, people are just really good at hiding the truth.

and [y/n]? she’s practically a master at that particular skill. 

although, granted, it’s not like she wants to lie to him — it hurts her so much to lie to the single most important person in her life.

but, she’s seen so much of what he’s gone through and she just couldn’t bear to be vulnerable with him about her own issues.

that’s why, as [y/n] lazily walks into the kitchen of the compound, she plasters on a mask that only shows her tiredness and grogginess, hoping that no one is quite awake yet, but still playing it safe, just in case — she isn’t completely sure if anyone is out on the couch, or on any of the other very comfortable furniture in the living room.

although, she doesn’t even bother looking in the direction of the spacious room that is the living room.

she’s much more concerned with brewing up some coffee — also known as her favorite drink in the world.

i know what you’re wondering.

you’re probably asking yourself right now, “why in the world would she be making herself coffee with the mental illnesses that she has and especially, when all she really wants to do is curl up in a ball and sleep forever, without ever wanting to wake from that said sleep?”

really, you’d be right about that — usually. 

but, [y/n] is a very responsible person — she likes to be organized and to take care of things. 

although, having these mental illnesses that obviously slow her down and hold her back, do take a toll on her.

especially, when she’s constantly forcing herself to and needing to still be responsible.

and the reason for her making herself some coffee is simple.

what is coffee normally used for?

it’s used by people who desperately need to stay awake, right?

and that’s what [y/n] needs today. 

she especially needs it because her body is always tired and her mental illnesses doesn’t help the repetitive mental exhaustion that she feels every single day. 

and because she likes to take care of her responsibilities, she refused to just lay around all day when her room becomes a complete mess by every passing day. 

everything in her room is all disorganized and everything is really just a trail of different messes — her room is a disaster. 

and she knows that if she wants her friends and family to believe that she’s fine, she can’t just leave her room a mess.

because if anyone saw what it looks like now, they’d question her on why she wasn’t being her normal clean-freak self and the well-organized woman that she is. 

and if that happened? they’d know something is up with her, because she is a terrible liar — they’d see right through her. 

and if anyone can notice or realize right away that there’s something off about her, it’s bucky, most of all — he knows her like the back of his hand.

and that scares her.

that’s why, when she had shifted in her very comfy bed and her eyes fluttered open as a groggy groan left her lips and her eyes caught the mess on her floor, and then slowly the rest of her room, she couldn’t take it anymore. 

she knew that if she couldn’t even shoulder these simple responsibilities — like keeping her room clean and organized — how could she keep the truth from her friends?

so, that morning, she forced as much motivation and positive energy into herself as much as possible and knew that she would get her room cleaned, whether it took all day, or not. 

and here we are now — that’s how she got herself out of bed with a familiar sense of determination that, deep down, she had missed. 

within a few minutes, she’s successfully gotten everything together and started the coffee and moves to sit down on a stool and rests her elbows on the table with her hands holding up her head.

her eyes tiredly close, her big and messy bun nearly towering over her forehead in a crooked stance. 

besides the coffee pot slowly filling up with more steaming hot coffee by every passing minute, there’s not any other sounds or noises distracting her.

after realizing this, a warm smile — one that she hasn’t had for a long while now — makes its way onto her lips, feeling at peace with the relief of being completely alone, for once. 

but, that one blissful moment of being able to let down her walls and just be in the moment, is slowly killed as a throat clearing fills the room.

[y/n]’s eyes fly open in surprise, immediately catching the man before her moving to sit down on the stool across from her.

her mouth opens and closes repeatedly, like a fish underwater.

seeing this, bucky chuckles, his steel blue eyes twinkling with amusement.

“sorry, doll. i didn’t mean to startle you.”

despite his apology, [y/n] awkwardly laughs, feeling caught.

“i—i just didn’t know anyone else was up yet.”

even though he’s her best friend, she really can’t help but feel how she always feels around him — nervous and warm inside.

her heart beats a little bit faster when his gaze suddenly becomes more intense.

it’s the fact that she knows that look in his eyes — it’s the one he gets whenever he can’t see through her and is trying to figure her out. 

in his defense, her walls have obviously gone back up and he can only see the mask she’s wearing — she’s making it very hard for him to understand her in the moment.

but, what he does know, is that something else entirely is going on.

although he can’t quite place what it is, he still worries about her — he knows how she feels like a burden for opening up to others.

in seconds, maybe even in minutes — neither bucky, nor [y/n] herself could say because when they were with each other, time always seemed to slow down — they both become completely lost in each other’s gazes.

but, as the coffee pot starts to suddenly beep, it not only cuts their moment short, but it also shakes [y/n] out of her daze.

she shakes her head, breath hitching in her throat as the barnes man continues to watch her carefully — he’s testing her.

with the chance to distract herself with getting ice in her cup and mixing some creamer in with her coffee, after having poured it in, she stirs everything together. 

then, she takes a few moments to gather the courage and strength to will that same fake smile onto her lips. 

once she officially has her mask placed back on her face, she turns around with her cup.

although she smiles, the happiness doesn’t quite reach her eyes — this is what concerns bucky the most. 

but, before he can confront her, she’s murmuring something about needing to get back to her room and rushing up the stairs and back towards her bedroom door. 

—————

THE NEXT FEW DAYS ARE much more confusing for bucky. 

after he noticed that there was something off about [y/n], he couldn’t stop thinking about the possibility that she’s hiding something from him.

he literally spent every waking moment of his time paying a much more closer look to her and her actions.

and eventually? he saw it — the very thing she’d been hiding for far too long. 

it really was hard to figure it out — like it or not — because [y/n] had spent so much time perfecting her acting and how she carried herself when she wasn’t alone. 

and worse than that?

it broke bucky to realize that even he, her best friend in the entire world — who knows her the best — couldn’t even notice that something was different about her, this entire time. 

what he has noticed, though, was the little things.

like how she’d barely talk to anyone anymore — even during missions. or how she’d barely leave her bedroom. or how he could now see right through her fake smile now.

but, the moment that she walks into the kitchen again after that day, the rest of the avengers — including bucky — are there. 

as she walks in, the dark bags under her eyes and the messy clothes is the first thing they all notice.

steve and bucky turn to face each other with the same concerned expression. 

[y/n] stops in her place, her eyes widening in shock — she didn’t expect to find anyone in the room at that point. 

and in truth, they probably wouldn’t have been in there — waiting for her — if it weren’t for bucky’s concern and worry over her. 

and trust me, he feels extremely guilty for consulting them and bringing them into the situation.

but, at this point, he didn’t know what else he could do.  

“h—hey, guys… what’s going on?” she stutters out, already becoming extremely nervous about them finding out the truth. 

bucky frowns as wanda steps forward in concern for her friend — he knows [y/n] hates confrontation.

the ex-soldier’s eyes drop to the ground as steve cautiously watches the exchange between wanda and [y/n] happen before their eyes.

“[y/n]... is everything okay?” wanda asks in a gentle voice, but it’s no use.

because, despite the fact that wanda only has good intentions of helping her friend to get better, it was the wrong thing to say to her — so wrong.

[y/n] cocks her head to the side as her eyes widen in shock.

she laughs disbelievingly, before shaking her head in further disbelief. “are you actually fucking kidding me, right now?” 

as she spits out the words, wanda gulps nervously, seconds before steve steps forward and gently leads her back to her place beside natasha. 

“you want to know if i’m okay? well, i want to know if you guys are okay, because clearly something is up if you are acting like this!” the worked-up woman exclaims breathlessly, not being able to help but get defensive with them. 

although getting her frustrations out is helping with letting out her anger, [y/n] can’t help but feel bad.

these people are her family — people that she loves with all of her heart and would literally die for. 

but, she also feels so mad at them.

i mean, how could they question her like this — acting like they all of a sudden care about her well-being — but not have noticed any of her off behaviors before, when it first started? 

it made her feel so hurt to realize that she had to be acting out for her to finally be noticed. 

“doll—” bucky begins to say, stepping forward in slow, hesitant steps, after noticing her unshed tears beginning to become noticeable. 

but, [y/n]’s had enough. “—no, bucky!” she exclaims in an uncontrollable sense of burning anger she’s never felt before in her entire life. 

bucky freezes, his eyes widening in shock at her tone of voice. 

even [y/n] herself becomes surprised at how angry and upset she sounds.

but, she doesn’t let them see it — she doesn’t want them to see how utterly weak she feels. 

taking a deep and calming breath, she turns away from her best friend and faces the rest of her so-called family, more tears clouding her [y/e/c] eyes.

“you guys are supposed to be my family! but what kind of family doesn’t notice the agonizing pain that one of their family members is in?” she questions as her voice wavers in utter heartbreak — something that she can’t believe she feels in this moment. 

she heaves in a deep breath as every one of them begins to feel consumed with an overwhelming amount of guilt and regret.

but, no one feels the same amount of concern and guilt that bucky feels over her.

he steps forward once more, already knowing how alone she must feel right now. 

“[y/n]—”

his voice comes out in barely a whisper, his heart panging painfully at her hurt expression as she struggles to look any of them in the eyes after what she had just blurted out.

but, she was bound to snap at some point. especially, with how she was holding everything in.

in that moment, she barely hears her best friend say her name.

everything just slows down and all she feels is the heaviness of the pain she’s going to have to carry by herself for the rest of her miserable life. 

her bottom lip trembles and she jumps, snapping out of her numb daze as bucky’s touch on her shoulder and gentle look in his eyes startles her. 

“n—no. please… buck, just don’t. just leave me alone… ” she murmurs in anguish as her voice painfully cracks, before she’s backing away from him and rushing to run up to her bedroom. 

in any other situation, bucky would probably have listened to [y/n] and just gave her the space she asked for.

but, not in this situation.

not when his best friend is going through all of this by herself, with no one showing her the support and love she deserves.

and even though she hurt him — and the rest of their teammates, too — he knows, deep down, more than anyone that the second she’s calmed down, she’s going realize of what she’d said in her moment of anger.

and that? that would be good for her because she’s always been sensitive when it comes to feeling things.

what i mean by this, is that the team likes to say that being an empath is her superhero powers because of how deeply she feels things.

it’s always been one of the things that everyone loves about her the most — not the feeling the negative things so intensely, but the way she finds the good in everyone, no matter what they’ve experienced or done.

in the moment, as [y/n] races up to her bedroom, bucky hesitates to go after her — he wonders if he should wait awhile before going after her. 

wanda — noticing his hesitation and his thoughts — steps forward with a concerned look on her face.

the moment [y/n] had backed away from them all, her thoughts had not only become destructive, but they also became suicidally reckless. 

“james, i know you must think that leaving her be is the right thing to do. but, it isn’t,” as wanda’s concerned look only becomes more intense, bucky turns to her with confusion placed on his face. “i read her thoughts. she’s going to do something she’s going to regret — if she’s by herself. you’re the only one who can stop her.”

“what makes you think that i’d be the only one to stop her? everyone here is just as close to her as i am.” bucky states furthermore, still not understanding why she didn’t suggest steve or natasha to go after her — they’re just as close to [y/n] as he is.

the witch rolls her eyes and glares at the man stood before her.

“barnes, are you an idiot? you are her best friend — she trusts you the most. she needs you, not us.” she states slowly, hoping that saying it like that will help him make more sense of it and shake himself out of his confused state and go after the woman he’s so helplessly in love with. 

tony steps forward, deciding to make a joke out of the situation, rather than insult bucky, even with their rocky past and history, “barnes, just get the hell out of here, before one of us sorry dumbasses realizes what she just said about all of us.” 

bucky stares at him with an annoyed stare. 

with a sigh, steve steps forward, rolling his eyes at his friend’s terrible pep-talk.

“what he means, is that you have to go after her. we all know how you feel and it’s quite clear that she feels the same.”

even as he hears those words, bucky finds himself in denial.

although he’s been doing a lot better, he can’t see [y/n] feeling the same feelings — the same angsty, intense feelings — that he has been carrying for her for so long. 

he sputters, bringing up his hands through his short hair in wild stress, “i—i can’t just go in there and confess my feelings! she’s going through something painful and we all know how intensely she feels things.” 

steve places a hand on his buddie’s shoulder, understanding the sense of panic and fear and rejection consuming bucky.

“i mean, what the hell am i supposed to do, steve? there’s no way she loves me like that. what if i say something wrong?” he asks — more to himself than steve.

steve chuckles.

“buck, it doesn’t matter if you say something wrong. i’m guaranteeing that this is all going to work out the way it’s supposed to. besides, what’s important is that she knows that you’re there for her — she can’t let us in and open up with us, until she does it with you.”

as he hears his friend’s statement, bucky pauses for a moment, suddenly finding some clarity in his advice. he’s right, isn’t he? 

but, that’s not what he’s thinking about in this moment.

what he’s thinking about is of the countless moments that [y/n] was always there for him when he was having nightmares, despite going through her own issues.

even when she was struggling with loving and accepting herself, she always seemed to have time for him.

especially, when he’d try to push her away, [y/n] still made him aware of the fact that she’d always be there for him.

and now? it’s his turn to do the same for her.

with that single mindset placed in his head, bucky takes a deep breath, before walking off in the direction of his best friend’s bedroom. 

the moment [y/n] is finally inside her room, she slams her door shut and slides down it.

breathless sobs and gasps leave her as she fully sits down against it and covers her mouth to mask her pain from the others. 

all that goes through her brain is, what could she have done differently that would’ve made it seem like everything was fine? 

i mean, there had to have been something that could’ve helped her keep everything hidden from her family. how did they figure it out? 

[y/n] doesn’t know for sure what exactly everyone knows, but she does know that they know that something is up.

it was clear from the moment she had walked into the kitchen and had caught the concerned looks they all wore.

but, before she can freak out furthermore about this small little conclusion, there’s a soft and gentle knock on the door.

“doll?” bucky calls out in a soft murmur, trying to do his best to make her feel safe with him. 

[y/n]’s eyes go wide in both shock and surprise, trying to surpress the gasp that so-desperately wants to escape her lips.

but, despite not wanting to face him, she surprises herself when she stays completely quiet. 

every time she had always been around bucky, when things had been hard for her, it was so easy for her to open up to him. 

but, for some reason, she’s able to ignore her heart — in which, is telling her to open the door and open up to him about what’s really going on. 

her breath hitches in her throat when she hears him grunt and move to sit down against the other side of the door. 

when bucky doesn’t say anything else, [y/n] sighs, staring off into space. 

it almost feels like hours as they both sit in silence.

and even at one point, bucky’s so quiet — he’s waiting for the right moment to talk to her — that she assumes he’d already left when she heard the front door shut. 

if only she had known that that was just the rest of the team leaving because they had decided to give both her and bucky some space.

not only had they left because it was quite obvious that things would get messy when bucky would have his conversation with [y/n], but also because it was only going to get more complicated and intense because of the fact that bucky is just as in love with her as she is with him. 

because of the fact that [y/n] had assumed her best friend had finally left her alone, it was fairly simple for her to become much more calmer, before beginning to stand up. 

but, the second she opens the door, bucky almost falls through the threshold, causing a shocked grunt to leave his body. 

she inhales sharply, mentally scolding herself for not making sure that he had actually left.

even as it’s too late to avoid him further, [y/n] doesn’t hesitate to back away further inside her room and go to slam the door shut.

but, at this point, bucky has already gotten up from the ground to confront her.

so, before she can quite actually slam the door in his face, he places one of his feet in between the door to keep it from shutting completely.

“doll, we have to talk about this.” he murmurs in a wavering tone of voice, the hurt and concern clear in it.

bucky places his hands against the wall right before where the door meets it, leaning his body forward as he tries to stay patient. 

there’s a part of him that’s not only upset at [y/n], but also angry at her for keeping something from him that’s so obviously hurting her.

but, he also knows that it isn’t fair to her to be angry at her for struggling by herself — he can’t blame her for being the type of person that hates burdening people with her problems and issues. 

as she hears the hurt in his voice, she stops, freezing in place.

tears begin to cloud her eyes as she realizes of how much this entire situation has hurt him.

it hadn’t occurred to [y/n] that she was hurting anyone else, while she was hurting herself.

and hurting bucky? that had never been her intention. 

the only reason that she had kept all of this to herself, was because she couldn’t bear to burden him.

i mean, he’s been through so much, and he’s still struggling to accept himself as a good man. 

but, hearing the pain in his voice?

it’s almost as if a switch goes off inside of her and suddenly, the stubborn mindset that she’d been listening to for god knows how long dissipates into nothing as she slowly pulls the door back and reveals herself fully.

as [y/n]’s red, teary eyes and her shallow breaths become much more obvious and visible to bucky, she bites down onto her bottom lip and glances straight down to the floor. 

seeing this, bucky sighs.

“oh, doll. c’mere,” he murmurs, before walking through the doorway.

before he can quite get to her, she puts a hand up in the air, motioning for him to stop. 

she shakes her head, struggling to let go and to let him in, instead of pushing him out.

“james… ” she trails off in a trembling tone of voice, the fear of hurting him or letting him in breaking her in this moment. 

hearing her call him by his first name brings a flutter to his heart.

this is mostly because of the fact that bucky absolutely loves when she calls him james. 

there’s just something indescribable about her calling him james.

it makes him feel noticed, like she sees him as the real him, not the person that hydra created. 

but, the flutters in his heart doesn’t last very long because of the fact that [y/n] only ever calls him by his first name when the situation is serious or whenever she’s feeling pretty sappy and affectionate towards him — i know that second part sounds romantic, and it kind of is, but bucky doesn’t know this. 

and now, bucky knows that this is hardly a sappy moment between them, so that leaves it to being a serious moment.

“sweetheart, it’s okay. you can trust me, i promise.” he murmurs, taking another step forward, not wanting to overwhelm her further.

after all, this is the closest he’s ever gotten to her letting him in — especially, most recently. 

she shakes her head again, the war going on inside her head becoming so hard to fight that she harshly turns away from him and heaves in a breathless sob as she wrings her fingers into her already snarly and messy bun of hair.

“i—i can’t… ”  

with a sigh, trying to keep himself from worrying about her more, bucky slowly and cautiously walks up behind her.

“[y/n/n], please. you need to talk about this. if you don’t, it’s only going to get worse.” 

another trembling sigh leaves her as he gently places a comforting hand on her shoulder.

she jumps — only slightly — before strictly reminding herself that it’s only him — only bucky.

within a few more minutes of just calming silence between the two, [y/n] forces herself to turn around to face him, and tries her very best to ignore the intrusive thoughts overwhelming her darkened-by-the-minute-mind. 

bucky’s hand stays placed on her shoulder as he gives her a soft look — one that distracts her with the butterflies and fluttering of her heart. 

she sighs softly, frowning as she tries to find the words to explain what she’s feeling.

because in reality? there really isn’t any easy way to explain the complicated things she feels and thinks on a daily basis and how it affects her every day. 

as she opens her mouth, though, bucky moves his hand to her cheek, cupping it.

then, he interrupts her, “why don’t we go out to the kitchen and we can make some lunch? then you can try to tell me what’s really going on?”  

although the thought of eating food suddenly makes her super nauseous and like she could throw up in that moment, [y/n] nods silently and follows him out of her room and down the stairs to the kitchen.

as she glances into the living room, after hearing the shocking silence, bucky chuckles as he starts to pull out some peanut butter and bread.

“the team left a little bit after i went after you.” he explains as she nods in acknowledgement, but still, wears an extremely nervous expression. 

she finds it hard to believe she’s even considering telling him what’s going on.

she never does that.

not even with him.

she used to, but not recently — the trauma she’s gone through over the years has brought her unhealthy coping methods.

the moment bucky finishes making them some sandwiches with chips and places them in front of her on a paper plate, [y/n] gulps nervously as she avoids looking up at him — she hadn’t told him about her eating disorder.

“doll? are you not hungry?” bucky’s muffled voice from eating his sandwich snaps her out of her nauseous state. 

she glances up at him, with the same nervous expression.

“i—i’m fine, bucky.” she whispers, trying to ignore the unshed tears that are now beginning to cloud her eyes.

bucky sighs at this.

“well, you don’t seem fine. and you’ve also been lying and saying you’re fine when everyone knows you’re not. so, sorry to say this, but i just don’t believe you right now.” 

she stays silent, before finally pushing the plate away from her as she glances away from both it and her best friend.

because of the overwhelming emotions she’s beginning to feel from everything that’s going on, the tears finally drop, causing her to quickly wipe them away.

“doll, you gotta talk to me. i know something’s going on and honestly? it’s scaring me. i need you to be honest. i know it’s scary because you’re not like that, but i promise you, everything’s going to be fine.” he says, suddenly getting up and standing in front of her as she moves, so that her body is facing away from the counter now, too. 

you hear that? you’re scaring him. wouldn’t it just be better if you did everyone a favor and left, so that they won’t have to deal with you being a constant burden? 

that negative voice in her head echoes in her head, but she refuses to listen to it. 

for some reason, she finds some will power to tell that voice no.

she will never kill herself, just to end the pain — it will only hurt bucky.

and she can’t do that to him. no matter how much she’s suffering. 

“buck… i never told you this — any of it. but, things have been different for awhile. i don’t know how or when, but they just did. and it’s been really hard for me.” she starts off, not daring to look at him as she tries to find the words to describe what she’s been feeling all this time. 

after hearing her begin to explain herself, bucky grabs his chair and moves to sit in front of her, patiently waiting and giving her that look that always makes her feel safe with him. 

“i can’t explain it, really. but, all i can say… is that i’ve been really struggling with my mental health — there’s this cruel voice in my head that’s darkened things for me and it’s made me feel really negative about myself to the point of where i feel like everyone would just be better off without me around anymore.” she whispers, wincing when a sharp intake of breath is heard from bucky.

“doll… ” he whispers, but she holds up a hand, interrupting him, “that’s not all. i’ve just been really also struggling with my anxiety. and the other thing that i never told you is that i have an eating disorder — i’m anorexic. i can’t stand the smell of food or the taste of it and it makes me sick to my stomach — that’s why i refused to eat earlier.”

bucky’s speechless as he looks at her in shock.

all he can think is, she went through all of this, without anyone to help her? 

“w—why didn’t you tell me?” he asks, tears now forming in his own eyes as she fidgets nervously with her fingers, scared he’ll yell at her, or get angry with her.

i mean, he has every right to — at least, in her head he does — when she kept all of this a secret from him for so long.

but, he doesn’t.

he simply grabs her hands and holds them safely in his own, trying to give her some kind of comfort — enough to give him an answer. 

[y/n] takes a deep breath as her eyes stay placed on their joined hands.

“i… i was scared of how you’d react — you and the team. i know you guys would never judge me, but some deranged part of me feels like you guys are constantly judging me and secretly hate me. it’s why i feel like you all would be better without me in your lives.”

“doll, you know we can’t survive without you — and i mean, everyone. we wouldn’t last a day without you. you’re the whole reason the team is so good together — you’re the glue that keeps us held together. you know that, don’t you?” he murmurs seriously, scooting closer to her so that he can tuck a single strand of her hair behind her ear. 

as she looks up at him, her breath gets knocked out of her when she sees the look of adoration in his eyes.

“buck… ” she whispers, tilting her head.

“y—you really mean that… don’t you?”

“of course i do. i’m always here for you, no matter what happens.” he states softly, almost getting lost in her hopeful eyes.

then, as if he can’t control himself, he glances down at her lips, suddenly feeling overwhelmed with this sudden compulsion to risk their friendship and kiss the hell out of her.

“james… ” she trails off, she herself glancing down at his own lips — his lips that look so damn inviting.

and before he can think, he slowly leans forward as he lifts his hands to hold her head in his hands and presses his lips to hers.

her eyes flutter shut, and everything stops for a moment — all the thoughts, all of it. 

the kiss itself leaves them both breathless and more in love with each other.

when he pulls away, he places his forehead against hers and breathes in deeply.

“sorry.” he whispers, but she just giggles.

“you’re apologizing for kissing me? am i that bad that you can’t imagine us sharing a kiss?” she giggles out into a teasing tone, but some truth still hidden behind it. 

“of course not!” he exclaims a little loudly, offended that she’d think that. 

[y/n]’s eyes go wide at the volume of his voice as his own also widen in realization as he sighs and chuckles a moment later.

“sorry. i just mean that i don’t get why you’d think that i’d not want to kiss you.” he mumbles in an embarrassed tone of voice.

with a sigh, [y/n] nods.

“i’m sorry, too. i hate that i always need to be reassured that people actually like me or aren’t going to abandon me.” she murmurs as they pull away from each other, before bucky moves to stand up and lifts his hand up in the air, waiting for her to take it.

she furrows her brows in confusion.

“what?” she questions, tilting her head to side in further confusion.

bucky rolls his eyes at her cluelessness, before looking back down at her with a pointed glance. “you and i are going up to my room and we’re going to talk things out. it’s what you need, and at this point, i’d rather you talk to me and no one else than you not talking to anyone at all and suffering by yourself.”

after hearing those words, a soft smile makes its way to [y/n]’s lips.

then, she sighs and places her hand into his as he lifts her up to stand in front of him, before leading her up the stairs to his room.

the moment she walks into the room, a sense of safety and calmness takes over her, immediately washing her of the darkness she had felt only minutes ago.

she smiles at the realization that the darkness hadn’t followed her into bucky’s room.

and she knows exactly why.

even when [y/n] hadn’t told bucky everything, she always felt safe with him.

and that is still true in this moment — more than ever, even. 

and a freeing smile takes over her current one as she realizes more as she steps through the door that bucky is her light — he’s the bright light that leads her through the darkness and into eternal happiness.

maybe she isn’t fully healed from what she’s been through and how she’s dealt with it recently, but he’s the light that’ll help bring her back to life, slowly, with time.

[dailycass-cain]

Batgirls #13 Review

Batgirls #13 closes out the quick two-issue parental arc as we also pass the one-year anniversary of the comic. Did it continue the highs of the prior arc or did we have another clunker two-parter? Well, here are my thoughts on the issue and arc as a whole.

I'll start with the negative. Because I know many are probably waiting for me to tear into the parts that I didn't enjoy and yeah... there's a big one in this issue.

Lady Shiva in this issue barely felt like Lady Shiva. She felt way too aggressive toward Stephanie and I get that the issue "has to have" a big fight. But..

.. I think it would've been nice subversion if that didn't even occur this issue between Shiva and Steph. Once the cat was out of the bag. It just felt so... off seeing Shiva defend Cass this much.

I mean it's better than being evil and careless but... to this extreme?! I would've enjoyed it more just to see Stephanie just laid it all out when Shiva figured it out.

But... Shiva in all of this and the history with Cass-- just felt wrong. Shiva has never tried to mold Cass into being something she wasn't.

She didn't have anything to "mold" at all. It feels really odd in a way because it feels like negating this bastard, David Cain, the one who truly was trying to "mold" Cass into being a killer.

I think that's always lost in the Pre-Flashpoint origins of Shiva where she was just about manipulated and used by David Cain, the true monster of this whole origin.

This bit always seems lost in how truly a monster David Cain was in this all. How the unexpected side-effect is that he actually did care for Cassandra in the end and didn't treat her as coldly as he did Shiva.

Which is why that bit of dialogue felt so off-putting. The thing Cass is so standoffish about Shiva is (prior to the revelation of being her mom) is Cass sees Shiva as a path she could've gone on if she stayed on the path of being a murderer.

That brings me to the OTHER problem I had with the Shiva/Cass stuff in this issue. The entire crux feels so much a retread of stuff we just had TWO YEARS AGO in Batman & the Outsiders.

And here we are this issue with a completely opposite variant:

That's the WHOLE thing we're waiting for. The next PROGRESSIVE STEP.  More an understanding a common ground the two can have between one another but mutually respect the other's lives.

Heck, we're not a year from Shiva trying out actively having a team and doing hero stuff (even if the story was pretty EEEEEH). That should be the new ground for Shiva. This life outside the League of Assassins. But still being Shiva. The line blurred between good/evil.

I get that Shiva is a hard character to write, but when the stories of prior writers literally have set that up. All it takes for the next is to carry that on (or at worst spectacularly ruin it).

Thankfully, writers, Michael Conrad and Becky Cloonan didn't ruin it and we don't have an Emi/Shado situation on our hands. BUT...

This wasn't the dialogue to have between Steph/Shiva this issue. There could've been more. MUCH more to crack into the depths of the relationship between these two and how both struggle but TRY to be there for one another now.

It just comes off as 😬toward the end issue's end Shiva pulling a Darth Vader (but if we're to believe what Steph says) she doesn't really want to rule the League with Cass by her side.

That's why I'm BEGGING both the editor and writers to do a better job with these two next time around. There are better stakes and areas to dig with the two. It just feels like a big retread (when you could've brought up B&O and that BoP run).

Because it's obvious we're getting more of this subplot again once the Hatter and Cluemaster stuff runs it's course. I pray! We don't get a Emi/Shado situation (or worse a Cheshire) because it's soooo cliché at this point with the murder moms and their daughters.

I'm BEGGING for a subversion of this trope so bad. Cass/Shiva could very well BE that subversion. It just takes the right writers to do this on the right path.

My please for the love of GAWD no more of this. It's lazy and by even saying these words makes long-time Cass fans scream internally.

Because I was doing exactly that when reading that bit of narration.

Because my mind flashes instantly back to this:

I HATE that the Shiva/Cass/Steph stuff brought this issue down for me because there was A LOT of good too with this issue resulting in a "mid" then a dumpster fire like say #7-8.

Because the story AROUND the Shiva stuff is GOOD. The Cluemaster stuff is unnerving and creepy as heck. I'm really curious to see where the writers take Arthur here and how it relates to Steph.

Then there's the Babs' stuff in the issue. I think this two-parter was the best-written and best-used bit of Babs in the entire series. Cass/Steph in trouble leading to Babs being Batgirl makes the stuff have higher stakes.

I've been harping how Babs showing up as Batgirl in the series so far has been-- meh. This issue was the first time it felt her being Batgirl here was worth it. Now, let's see this same be used for her as Oracle to boot.

Likewise, the twists and turns Babs/Bruce have with surprise special guest star, Zatanna in unraveling the mystery of how Cass/Steph got body switched.

Again, the reasons as to WHY Cass/Steph got body switched were fascinating. Really the only downside to all of this is how quickly it all ended.

I feel we didn't get a FULL day of Cass/Steph living out the other's life in the other's body. Exploring the differences and similarities. Seeing Steph maybe see the world thru Cass's eyes. Likewise, Cass seeing the world in Steph's.

There could've been one more issue here to have some of that fun. It's truly a pity we had to skip right to Shiva/Cluemaster stuff.

Likewise, I did enjoy the narration boxes in this issue. Barring that one box-- HICCUP.

The boxes did their thing, but also told the reader to, "HEY READ THIS TOO!" Which it did in spades by giving us shoutouts to Birds of Prey and Batgirl Vol. 1. Now give Steph some of that love with nods to her in Robin and Batgirl Vol. 3, please.

If this book does want to claim new readers, it might as well leave these nuggets for them to go dig to find these issues. It also makes jobs easier for me, because I don't have to say, "READ _____ for this!"

But the true highlight this issue? The best thing I utterly adore and am HYPE for #14? Is the art by Jonathan Case. I mean... Jorge Corona and Neil Googe were good and 10s but Case?

There's a Bill Sienkiewicz style here that I adore (maybe @empatheticcain was on that the stuff with style was more a nod to Seinkeiwicz's Batgirl First issue) because Cass throughout this looked so gothic by Case in costume and colors.

Can I also just say how astonishing Case did ALL the colors, pencils, and letters this issue? Like dear GAWD this makes the next issue. The story will basically him using Conrad and Cloonan's script (which I'll give it to them this was a finely tuned issue).

Like please put Case with more of Conrad and Cloonan please. Two issues is just too little. This art is exquisite and gives some of the critics by making Cass/Steph more their age than say much younger.

Baring the Shiva/Cass stuff this issue could've been amazing. It just needed a better look into the past and dig better angle than what we got here. Thankfully everything else was top-notch.

Again I'm begging the writers to do a better job with the history of the character. Please give us subversion in this case and do this mother/daughter relationship between then be consumed by the predictable tropes. There's something really good to mine here.

What can be mined can be truly something UNIQUE. As it stands I am hyped for the next issue because Case's art was a revelation. So to those who've been off the book. Buy Batgirls #14 the art alone by Jonathan Case will be worth it as it will be a silent issue.

No narration boxes.

No weird dialogue.

Just Case using his style to showcase the story and I think we might have something truly special coming January 17th.

[bonsaiturt47]

I know a few people have taken a crack at the whole Zodiac thing, so I thought I’d give it a try! I can feel these Zodiac signs fit the turtles very well 😏

I going into detail with these lovable turts 😩💙❤️💜🧡

Of course because of how detailed I went into this, I have to do one turtle at a time.

For now I will go into their personality and then do a whole different section pertaining to their kinks and how they would be under the steamy sheets.

SOOOOOO…..Let’s get to it!! EXTREMELY LENGTHY I AM SOOOO SORRY. This could help write stories too :)

Leonardo !

Our amazing hunk leader in Blue.

💙Nicknames:💙

-Leo

-Leon

-Lamenardo (Raph gave him this nickname)

-Lee (Pretty much all of his brothers call him this)

-Fearless (Raph coined this)

-Blue (Also given to Leo by Raph)

-Monk (Raph’s)

-Splinter Junior (Raph’s)

Can you tell Raph loves Leo? LOL

He has been described as:

-Stoic

- Brave 🌟

-Attentive

-Sweet

-Straight forward

-Head strong🌟

-Mother Hen

-Straight Daddy Material 🌟

-Bossy

-Confident 🌟

-Brown Noser (Raph and Mikey’s)

-Splinter’s little Birdie (Raph’s)

-Teacher’s Pet (Raph’s)

- Stubborn (he is really stubborn in his beliefs. Tend to think his opinion is the only one that matters. Again, he’s still a teenager and is still learning.)

-Determined

-Protective 🌟

-Listener

-Competitive

-Obsessive

-Controlling

-Insecure *surprise* *surprise* (he’s a teenager and not quite sure who he is. Still figuring it out.)

💙ZODIAC SIGN:💙

Sun sign ARIES with the moon sign Capricorn.

Now I know what you guys are thinking…..wtf?? Isn’t that Raph??? I’m gonna say -NO.-

N.O. NOOOOOOOOO.

💙Here are my reasons 💙

💠 These two signs combined create a perfect balance. And Leo is literally PERFECTION in the flesh. I’m not being biased here. I do love my turtles, but he was made to embody Ying and Yang.

💠Gracious but strong, this turtle will not have anything or anyone stand in the way of his plans and goals.

💠Highly Competitive

💠He struggles internally because he bottles everything up/ self-contain, but at the same time tries to be creative 🥺

💠PLANS AHEAD because this gives his mind some peace when he knows he’s got it figured out and he knows what he has to do.

💠Practical

💠Insecure….now I know you guys might not see this, but I do. Some of the things he’s done or does screams insecurity. Sometimes that’s not a bad thing. It’s apart of growing up and he’s a teenager for Christ sakes!

💠Obsessive….now this comes from the cannon that Leo has OCD. (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) This is nothing to make fun of and it’s a very serious mental illness. Me personally, I believe he has OCPD instead of OCD. (Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder.)

💠He would love too meet someone who is just as dedicated and believes in commitment

💠ASSERTIVE AS FUCK

💠Hard Worker and will work harder for family and people that mean so much to him.

💠He is impactful. Trust me you will not forget him.

💠Perceptive. He will be able to handle different people in different situations.

💠He knows when to be soft and when to use a little bit more force.

💠He will treat the people he loves with respect. Respect is huge for this guy!

💠He is really sweet on the inside and gracious, but very strong and very determined on the outside.

💠He wants his ideas and opinions to be of use, not just to be launched in thin air.

💠An Opportunist!

💠He will recognize a trouble maker and problems from afar!

💠As Aries you would think he’s impatient, but he isn’t like other Aries. He has Capricorn on his side which graces him with patience.

💠He would be very career oriented

🐢I will be doing a relationship one soon and a more 18+ rated one for Leonardo soon! 🐢

[7official7moose7]

How I draw Bruno Madrigal: A tutorial!

Before you say it, yes, I know I draw him way too much. Maybe this’ll come in handy for someone here djhhfjgjg- (plus it’s an excuse to draw him for the millionth time today soooo)

Disclaimer: This post is NOT meant to bash ANYONE for how they draw. It’s just a tutorial on how I draw Bruno, everyone’s style is different!!

Step one: Face shape

I always make sure I have the right face shape down, or else it won’t really look like the character I’m tryna draw (in my eyes at least). Bruno’s face shape is somewhat almond/diamond shaped, just upside down. His cheekbones make little points at the sides 👀

Step two: Nose

I see a lot of people drawing Encanto characters with the wrong nose shape/size (don’t worry, I struggled with this for years lmao), so I tried to make it a bit more simple.

His nose is like an upside down kite shape, like his face except the points are a little lower/closer to the tip!

Step 3: Eyes

Bruno’s eyes are very round, and there isn’t a whole lot of space in between them; I see a lot of fan art with his eyes spaced pretty far apart, so try keeping them closer to the bridge of the nose (I also did this too at first, so don’t fret!!)

I come back to the circles under his eyes later 👁👁

Step 4: Mouth/teeth

Bruno has tooth gaps!! (Teeth gaps? Grammar no exist) the most noticeable one is right up front, but there’s also one round near the back jshsgdjhd

Step 5: Brows

Bruno’s eyebrows have that little crease at the top most of the time, unless his expression is relaxed. In case you can’t read my handwriting: they’re thicker at the beginning, curve up just a bit, and then they taper at the end.

Step 6: Hair

His hair is type 2c I believe (it might be 3a, there’s posts on here about that as well if I’m wrong!!) You can also either go on google or Pinterest to get reference pictures.

Bruno has these two distinct strands that hang into his eyes (I’ve colored them in to point them out) that I absolutely adore drawing! Fun fact: I have the exact same two strands (my hair is either 2b or 2c, I can’t quite remember hfhfhfhgh) that do the exact same thing!!

Step 7. Facial hair

Bruno’s beard (goatee?? It’s kinda both I think???) isn’t exactly a full beard, it’s basically just long stubble lmao

I have a bit of trouble with this for the sole reason that I’m just bad at facial hair hahahaa-

Step 8. Colors

The color palette in the second image is more accurate than the first! I color picked the skin tone to the best of my ability, along with the hair and other parts. For his eyes, I use the shade of purple on a multiply layer, along with the blush. His freckles are just the small light brown next to the white and green for his eyes (in the second image)

Bruno’s hair looks pretty brown right there as well, but thats only because of the highlights (I used a golden yellow, you’ll see in the next image) the colors I used for his hair are the two grays; the lighter one is used for the silver strands, and I always color the two front strands with it. For the rest, I just add random streaks into the darker shade.

With his ruana and undershirt, I kinda just eyeballed the colors (I color picked at first, but altered them just a bit afterwards)

Step 9: Shading/lighting (this is optional!)

This is the finished product! I tweaked the line art just a bit, fixed his nose since I forgot how physics work and forgot that the nose turns up with the smile oops hahaha

I changed the line color to a warm brown for a softer look, and I shaded his eyes with a darker/more saturated green on a multiply layer and then put neon yellow highlights at the bottom on an add layer. I used a dark maroon/brown on a multiply layer as well for the shading and a golden yellow-orange for the highlights on an add layer (I feel Ike I’ve typed “layer” so many times so I’mma just say this rq: I always put shading on multiply and highlights on add!!)

I also put a little shade for his lips since I forgot them too ahahaa,,,

ANYWAYS there you have it!! I’ll post some extras that could also be good examples soon (because sadly I’ve reached the image limit dammit)

Hope this helps!!