#I still think Cas speech in 15x18 is true

[thefableddestiel]

Kinda can’t believe no is winning. I love Dean very much, but I think loving him means recognizing he is very flawed. I mean, one of the points of the show is that they were all very flawed and traumatized.

Dean is incredibly loving, but even loving people can be abusive because nobody ever taught them how to process their own emotions and deal with them healthily. The two aren’t mutually exclusive.

It’s very hard to grow up being so extremely abused with almost zero good role models and not perpetuate the cycle no matter how badly you don’t want to.

Also, abusive doesn’t just mean punching and hitting. It also doesn’t mean it’s happening all the time.

Abuse has many faces and some include: gaslighting, manipulating, degrading, yelling, throwing things, silent treatments, passive aggression, controlling, threatening, guilt-tripping, etc.

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news to some of you but Dean did many of these things to all of them and on many occasions.

TW: Discussion of abuse

Please do not insult each other (or me) in the tags for this post.

[queermania]

(last reblog made me realize something but i didn't want to add it to the post or in the tags because it's spoilery if you've only seen up to s8)

there are a lot of reasons why cas' confession is so unsatisfying to me but one of the reasons i haven't been able to articulate until now is that it kind of.... undoes everything that preceded it? cas gives voice to the thing we've all been watching play out for twelve years and that should feel like a win, it should feel like relief, because happiness isn't in the having, it's in the just being, it's in the just saying, right? but, in saying it, cas removed the being part of it from everything that happened prior. cas' speech made it feel like we haven't been watching two people who are in queer love and who are very much in a queer relationship.

instead, we've been watching a guy secretly pining for another guy who may or may not have secretly loved him back. and that... is not true to the story i've been watching unfold? that only works if i accept the premise that the writers and the actors and the directors and the crew and the editors weren't actually telling a queer love story to the best of their ability the whole time. and i don't accept that! they were telling the story!! it was on purpose!!!

like, the reason dean's confession-prayer in purgatory is satisfying is because it doesn't undo anything that came before it.

Cas? Cas, I hope you can hear me… that wherever you are, it's not too late. I should've stopped you. You're my best friend, but I just let you go. 'Cause it was easier than admitting I was wrong. I-- Ohh. I don't know why I get so angry. I just know -- I know that it's -- i-it's just always been there. And when things go bad, it just -- it comes out. And I can't -- I can't stop it. No matter how -- how bad I want to, I just can't stop it. And -- and I-I forgive you. Of course I forgive you. I'm sorry it took me so long -- I'm sorry it took me till now to say it. Cas, I'm -- I'm so sorry. Man, I hope you can hear me. I hope you can hear me. Okay.

this is dean reiterating everything we as an audience already know because we've already seen it (dean wants cas there and he regrets letting him go and there is nothing cas could do that would make dean actually give up on him). if you replace "best friend" with literally anything else that effectively means "romantic partner" this still works. it doesn't change it at all. this is dean and cas. this is destiel. this is the story i've been watching since lazarus rising. maybe even the pilot.

contrast that with 15x18, however:

I always wondered, ever since I took that burden, that curse, I wondered what it could be? What my true happiness could even look like. I never found an answer because the one thing I want... It's something I know I can't have. But I think I know... I think I know now. Happiness isn't in the having, it's in just being. It's in just saying it . . . I know. I know how you see yourself, Dean. You see yourself the same way our enemies see you. You're destructive, and you're angry, and you're broken. You're "daddy's blunt instrument." And you think that hate and anger, that's... That's what drives you, that's who you are. It's not. And everyone who knows you see it. Everything you have ever done, the good and the bad, you have done for love. You raised your little brother for love. You fought for this whole world for love. That is who you are. You're the most caring man on Earth. You are the most selfless, loving human being I will ever know. You know, ever since we met, ever since I pulled you out of Hell... Knowing you has changed me. Because you cared, I cared. I cared about you. I cared about Sam, I cared about Jack... I cared about the whole world because of you. You changed me, Dean . . . I love you.

this is a different story. it changes everything. and, like, i think that was supposed to be the point, but unfortunately for me it is one of the reasons it doesn't work. why doesn't cas think he can have dean? is it simply because he thinks dean doesn't want him back?? is it because he thinks dean is straight?? like, the fact that i don't instinctively know the answer to that is a problem, and the reason i don't know the answer is because it doesn't jive with the show i've been watching for fifteen seasons. castiel's confession is the conclusion to a different show's run, one where they were actually queerbaiting the whole time and decided to throw the fans a bone at the very end.

but they weren't queerbaiting. they were writing textually queer characters with textually queer relationships.

and so a speech where cas is confessing to being in love with dean even though he thinks dean's straight doesn't really work at any point in the show's timeline for me.

and a speech where cas is confessing to being in love with dean even though he doesn't think dean loves him back in that way doesn't really work at any point past s12 for me, and even within s12 to be honest.

like, the narrative actively starts to fall apart in 13x01 if you don't take dean and cas being in love/in a relationship as a given, but even episodes like 12x10 and 12x19 imply something was already happening with them.

so. yeah.

[jensensitive]

Cas’s confession scene in 15x18 as the antithetical counterpart to Zachariah’s speech to Dean in 4x17

(Zachariah’s speech is in order, Cas’s is moved around a bit)

transcribed:

DEAN: So, what? I'm just hallucinating all this? Is that it?

ZACHARIAH: Not at all. Real place, real haunting. Just plunked you in the middle without the benefit of your memories.

DEAN: Just to shake things up? Hm? So you guys can have fun watching us run around like ass clowns in monkey suits?

ZACHARIAH: To prove to you that the path you're on is truly in your blood. You're a hunter.

CAS: You fought for this whole world for love. That is who you are. You're the most caring man on Earth. You are the most selfless, loving human being I will ever know.

ZACHARIAH: Not because your dad made you, not because God called you back from hell,

CAS: You know, ever since we met, ever since I pulled you out of Hell... Knowing you has changed me.

ZACHARIAH: but because it is what you are.

CAS: You think that hate and anger, that's... That's what drives you, that's who you are. It's not. 

ZACHARIAH:  And you love it. You'll find your way to it in the dark every single time, and you're miserable without it. 

CAS: And everyone who knows you sees it. Everything you have ever done, the good and the bad, you have done for love. 

ZACHARIAH: Dean, let's be real here. You're good at this. You'll be successful. You will stop it.

CAS: There's one thing she's afraid of. There's one thing strong enough to stop her.

DEAN: Stop what? The apocalypse? Huh? Lucifer? What? Be specific, man.

ZACHARIAH: You'll do everything you're destined to do. All of it.

DEAN: It was Chuck all along.

ZACHARIAH: But I know, I know–

CAS: I know. I know how you see yourself, Dean.

ZACHARIAH: You're not strong enough. You're scared.

*DEAN: Because I was angry and because I just needed something to kill, and because that's all I know how to do.

ZACHARIAH: You got daddy issues.

CAS: You're "daddy's blunt instrument."

ZACHARIAH: You can't do it. Right?

DEAN: I can't stop it.

DEAN: Angel or not, I will stab you in your face.

*CAS: You see yourself the same way our enemies see you. You're destructive, and you're angry, and you're broken.

ZACHARIAH: All I'm saying is it's how you look at it. Most folks live and die without moving anything more than the dirt it takes to bury them. You get to change things.

CAS: You changed me, Dean

DEAN turns away.

ZACHARIAH: Save people

CAS: Because you cared, I cared. I cared about you. I cared about Sam, I cared about Jack...

ZACHARIAH: maybe even the world.

CAS: I cared about the whole world because of you.

ZACHARIAH: All the while you drive a classic car and fornicate with women. 

CAS: Because the one thing I want... It's something I know I can't have.

ZACHARIAH: This isn't a curse.

CAS: When I experienced a moment of true happiness, The Empty would be summoned, and it would take me forever

ZACHARIAH: It's a gift.

CAS: But I think I know... I think I know now. Happiness isn't in the having, it's in just being. It’s in just saying it.

ZACHARIAH: So for God's sakes, Dean, quit whining about it. Look around. There are plenty of fates worse than yours. So are you with me? You wanna go steam yourself another latte? Or are you ready to stand up and be who you really are?

Cut to DEAN, who is still alone in the basement of the bunker, still sitting against the wall where CASTIEL had pushed him. He holds his cellphone in his hand. As it vibrates, ringing again, he looks at it. "Incoming Call: Sam" He stares at it, then looks around, tears in his eyes. He drops the phone, leaving it to ring on the stone ground as he buries his face in his hands and begins to cry.

[transcripts]

*could have swapped these two, but undecided which fits better

[deanwasalwaysbi]

Castiel - First on his mind - 13x01 - 13x05 - Destiel Canon in Early Season Thirteen

So I’m still not over this.  The confession before the confession. This is the moment that I completely stopped questioning whether Destiel was canon.  At the end of season 12 Dean has just lost everyone but Sam at once. There is not much whiskey spilled for Crowley, and Sam is unwilling to accept the loss of Mary, but neither of those are what Dean is focused on.

Dean prays to god - to chuck - I think for the only for only the second time in the entire series. Dean prays in earnest for the return of Castiel.  He mentions others but he has just lost his mother and yet his first demand is “and now you’re going to bring HIM back. You’re gunna bring them all back.”  

Dean mentions everyone, his family, bobby, even Crowley, but he starts with Castiel.  It parallels Castiel’s first version of the 15x18 deathbed confession in 12x12.  “I love you. I love all of you.”  A mirrored response.

Below the cut for full analysis of Dean’s prayer, grief, and closet themes in the first 1/4 of season 13.

Dean’s prayer goes unanswered and he beats the door up in a visual homage to brokeback mountain (x). It is at this point chronologically that Dean completely loses his shit.  In the car on the way to the pirate stop Dean is unable to say the words out loud. 

 “Let’s see, Crowley’s dead, Kelly’s dead, Cass is... ... Mom’s gone, and apparently the Devil’s kid hit puberty in 30 seconds flat.” 

Sam asks if Cass is really dead and unable to say those words Dean goes stoic as he can and says, “you know he is.” Dean’s upset, very upset, and that grief and anger is not focused on Mary.

Dean gains a tiny instantaneous moment of hope from a demon who then completely smashes it.

After his prayer Dean becomes completely inconsolable, an angry vengeance machine, the killer he used to project himself to be.  The change is supposed to be such a plot point, such a surprise twist, that it is only revealed LATER that it happened.  Such a major plot point that it must be teased and foreshadowed, with Sam asking Dean, “Dude, whatdiyou do to your hand?”  Giving the viewer their third clue that Dean did not have this cut on his hand from the fight with Lucifer and Jack.

Dean spends five full episodes without Castiel after dropping to his knees beside Castiel in 12x23, and in that time we see Dean unravel.  

In 13x01 he no longer cares about secrecy, immediately explaining the situation to the sheriff.  We see him choosing to approach Castiel’s body alone, looking upon him with such deep pain, tenderly wrapping, pausing multiple times to steel himself so he can finish that task.  Sam continues to get more and more concerned for Dean’s mental state.  Dean taking out his anger and rage and grief all on newborn Jack who continues to do nothing wrong and idolizes Dean.  

We see Dean drink himself under the table, rage against Sam and Jack, and actually become suicidal, killing himself in an unnecessary way with a flimsy excuse.  Billie sees it and notes something has changed.  He no longer believes he can win and no longer wants to live.     

At the shifter Psychiatrist, Dean says that Sam is delusional because Sam won’t admit that Mary is dead, “If he admits it then it’s real. If it’s real, then he has to deal with it, and he can’t handle that.”  Yet we repeatedly see Dean trails off unable to say the words that Castiel is dead.  This is not how Dean has reacted to the loss of Sam, John, Mary, Charlie, or any other familial loved one. 

In his loss of Castiel, Dean becomes John in the aftermath of his loss of Mary. Dean becomes the abusive father to Jack that he himself grew up with.  Jack has a moment of self harm and Dean ‘comforts’ Jack by telling him he’ll kill him so he can’t hurt anyone else. 

Jody’s Speech to Patience - In Contrast to Dean’s

In addition to Dean’s grief the writers show Dean struggle with his identity - with whether to stay in the closet.  In the third episode of the season - Patience - Dean tells Patience to deny who she really is. 

“This life, [hunting] there’s no joy in it there’s nothing but pain horror and death. So if you get a chance at normal, you take it.”   

Jody corrects Dean. In disbelief.  “You don’t have to listen to him, to either of them if it’s not what you really want.” Jody then talks about her daughter Claire, her gay daughter Claire.  

“I asked her to stay in line, to fight who she really was ‘cause I thought it would keep her safe. It didn’t work. It never does. ... you try to force it down to make someone else happy, you will only make yourself miserable.”

If that isn’t a blatant acknowledgement of the metaphor I don’t know what is.  This stopped being subtext and became... text.  Jody has dropped Dean clues about overcoming toxic masculinity before. In 12x06 Jody and Dean talked about big feelings, and that conversation was preceded by Dean beings shocked that Jody could be both badass & like chick flicks at the same time.  She’s been teaching him. However, this time was much more directly and specifically about coming out of the closet, about living in a way that is true to yourself.

After the loss of Castiel, the Dean that had developed over 12 years was gone - and he only returns upon the return of Castiel, right in time for tombstone. 

Meanwhile we get Castiel’s side - where he is being tortured by the Empty with his love for Dean and his fear that Dean doesn’t love him in return. 

Everytime Dean can't say Cas is dead I die a little inside.

"...no matter who we lost, whether it was Dad or -- or Bobby or... And I would take the hit."

"...and now Mom and ... and Cas... And I -- I don't know. I don't know."

Dean was in love with Cas. Dean is bisexual. Dean has spent 12 years unwilling to admit it. 

Dean had been repeatedly lit in orange in the car rides, but the second he believes Castiel is alive his face is inexplicably relit in white light.

We then come to the final shots of the episode - where the camera COMPLETELY IGNORES SAM and focuses exclusively on zoom in reaction shots between Dean and Castiel while “It’s never too later to start all over again” plays in this conclusion to a five episode romantic longing and grief arc completely platonic reunion between two dude bros.  

We also see the Orange Light / Dean’s Ongoing Fear of Loss Motif come to it’s climax, the burning of Castiel’s body (13x01), and Castiel’s return (13x05).

I legitimately don’t know what the writers thought they were doing if they WEREN’T explicitly writing a romance story.

It was much later that we learned there was an angle we never got of their reunion, where Dean was cupping Cas's face and neck in his right hand.

But we do get the look on Dean's face in 13x06 when he's able to get his arms around Cas after he's deflected and called Cas 'Pal' again, Gif via @inacatastrophicmind

Bonus - Dean’s stages of grief by @mariethalienne

[postmodernmulticoloredcloak]

The room where it happened. 10x03 and 15x18

(Sorry for the title, I had to.)

No one afaik has said anything about it yet but I have been mentally screaming about it since I saw the episode and you all need to scream with me about the room where the scene happened.

And also how the scene was filmed. At the beginning, while Dean says that he ruined everything because he’s full of anger and the only thing he knows is to kill, the chair is positioned between the two of them. In fact, it’s filmed in a way so that the chair is clearly visible and oddly (well, oddly only if you don’t know what it means) emphasized by the direction and how Jensen touches it and leans on it.

After Dean makes his hopeless speech, Dean walks in front of the chair (again, Jensen’s acting emphasizes the movement in relation to the chair)

so, when Cas confesses his feelings, the chair is no longer between them. Nothing is between them.

Many things happened in that room and multiple characters sat on that chair, but the most iconic and emotionally heavy thing that happened in that room, well, we all know it.

The chair represents Demon Dean and what that represented. The chair represents the trauma and the fear and the anger. The obstacles. It’s not a coincidence that when Dean expresses his feelings of self-loathing and hopelessness the chair stands between them, and when Cas tells Dean how he sees him and how he feels for him the chair isn’t between them anymore. Of course it’s not complete yet, but they have progressed, Dean has finally heard something he needed so badly to hear. The very thing he needed to hear. They’re on the path to healing.

The chair is there, of course, in the middle of the room. The elephant in the room except it’s not an elephant but a chair, I guess. But it’s empty and Dean is able to step in front of it and get closer to Cas and hear what Cas has to say.

The trauma is there, but it’s an empty chair. And it’s possible to step around it and get closer to love.

But I want to say something more about 10x03 and 15x18.

Compare these moments.

This isn’t even the real you I’m talking to.

Oh, it’s the real me, all right. The new real me - the me that sees things for what they really are. Winchesters. Do-gooders. Fighting the natural order. Let me tell you something - guys like me, we are the natural order. It’s the way it was set up.

It’s you, Dean. It’s always been you. Death-defying, rule-breaking. You are everything I lived to set right. To put down. To tame. You are human disorder incarnate.

It’s almost like someone wrote the script for 15x18 with 10x03 open on his desk, right? Let’s continue.

There’s no point in trying to bring your brother back now.

Oh, I will bring him back.

In fact, your uh... guilt-ridden, weight-of-the-world bro has been MIA for quite some time now. But I’m loving the new model: lean, mean, Dean.

Right.

You notice I tried to get as far away from you as possible? Away from your whining, your complaining. I chose the King of Hell over you! Maybe I was just... tired of babysitting you. Or always having to yank your lame ass out of the fire since... [Dean laughs.] Forever. Or maybe... Maybe it was the fact that my mother would still be alive if it wasn’t for you. That your very existence sucked the life out of my life!

This isn’t my brother talking.

You never had a brother! Just an excuse for not manning up. But guess what: I quit.

No. No, you don’t. You don’t get to quit. We don’t get to quit in this family! This family is all we have ever had!

Well, then, we got nothin’.

Would you say that to Dad?

Dad? Oh, there’s a prize. There’s a man who brainwashed us into wasting our lives fighting his losing battle!

and

I know. I know how you see yourself, Dean. You see yourself the same way our enemies see you. You’re destructive and you’re angry and you’re broken. You’re-you’re “daddy’s blunt instrument”."And you think that hate and anger, that’s-that’s what drives you. That’s who you are. It’s not. And everyone who knows you sees it. Everything you have ever done, the good and the bad you have done for love. You raised your little brother for love. You fought for this whole world for love. That is who you are. You’re the most caring man on Earth. You are the most selfless, loving human being I will ever know.

Let’s also look at Cas in the episode

You say you’re fine, but you don’t... look fine.

It’s what the humans do. They say they’re fine. And even if I-I don’t look it, you say I look well, and that way, we avoid talking about something we can do nothing about.

Oh boi, we’ve gone so far from “we don’t speak about things we can’t do anything about”. (Well, he thinks he can’t do anything about his feelings for Dean, but still.)

Look at this line from Hannah

What about helping your friend? And sending the rogue angels back to Heaven? Your preference to die for your principles, it’s very noble, but it is meaningless.

Thank you, it hurts! It was never about principles. It was about love. And love is never meaningless. It’s the only thing that is not meaningless. It’s the only thing that really matters, and, in fact, the only thing that is truly real in the universe.

And of course the most important line in the episode:

What the hell are we doing to him, Cas? I mean, even after I gave him all that blood, he still said he didn’t want to be cured, that he didn’t want to be human.

Well... I see his point. You know, only humans can feel real joy, but... also such profound pain. This is easier.

Only humans can feel real joy, but also profound pain.

I always wondered since I took that burden, that curse, what it could be. What my true happiness could even look like. I never found an answer. Because the one thing I want... it’s something I know I can’t have. But I think I know... I think I know now. Happiness isn’t in the having. It’s in just being... it’s in just saying it.

[...]

You know, ever since we met, ever since I pulled you out of hell, knowing you has changed me. Because you cared, I cared. I cared about you. I cared about Sam. I cared about Jack. I cared about the whole world because of you. You changed me, Dean.

I’m fine.

To conclude this - of course, 10x03 was also one step of the big misunderstanding between Dean and Cas. Cas eventually leaves saying something vague about a famale companion that makes Dean think he’s leaving him for a woman that is more important than he is.

While one of the scenes with Crowley in hell subtly drops the other side of the misunderstanding - a demon tries to get in Crowley’s good graces by offering to be Dean’s replacement for him with these words:

I, too, love to party. And I do love the ladies. And the classic rock-and-roll. Most importantly, I could debauch by your side without being a personal embarrassment. 

That was to emphasize how those weren’t the relevant things about Dean that Crowley, or anyone, cared about. Thus, those aren’t the relevant things about Dean. Those are some things that are true about Dean, but that’s not Dean.

It’s been a very long journey, and we’re seeing the fruits of a very long work.

[verobatto]

Destiel Chronicles

Vol. CXXVIII

It was a love story from the very beginning

I Love You and Goodbye

(15x18)

Hi my friends! We are finally in episode 15x18 "Despair" or "The Truth". The episode in which Destiel went canon.

So, let's grab our napkins and let's start with this.

Remember this meta is a summary from my metas from season 15 with some new additions now that the show ended.

You can find my metas from 15x18 following these links: X, X and X.

The last Destiel mirrors

I want to start this meta summary with the last two destiel mirrors from episode 15x18. Both of them were foreshadowing the big lover separation at the end.

Charlie always mirrored Dean, so it's very interesting to hear her talking about how her relationship with Stevie started.

She mentioned she didn't want to try that love thing again, it's a parallel of Dean's past with Cassie earlier in the show. It started as a game could be also related to Dean first attempts of flirting with Castiel in season 4 and 5.

I'll go with you...

One of the most iconic Destiel quotes has to be recalled in this episode too. Loyalty, love and abnegation from Castiel to Dean.

Because I Love You (Romantically)

This whole description from the scene it had been taken from my meta, I want to transcript the whole analysis here just because the moment I wrote this I was still hoping Dea would rescue Castieo, and I was crying and laughing hysterically, so... I wanna share that to all of you:

This love confession was beautiful, and Castiel made it clear he was talking about ROMANTIC LOVE, because the whole prelude in his wordings were perfectly clear. There's not doubt he was confessing his romantic love for Dean. He even mention THE ONLY THING I CAN'T HAVE is the thing that will make him happy.

It's canon he was asking himself what happiness could be!!! It means CAS THOUGHT ABOUT HOW COULD IT BE TO HAVE DEAN NOT JUST AS A FRIEND!!!!

He says too FROM THE MOMENT HE TOOK THAT BURDEN! FROM THE MOMENT HE RESCUED DEAN FROM HELL!!!!!! 'It has always been you', Dean!'

I'm gonna stop here just a little to point out why the quote "IT HAS ALWAYS BENN YOU" said by Billie takes a huge significance in here. Because Dean is not just the centric problem of a Cosmic entity, like Death, but the centric topic in Castiel's confession.

The love confession from 15x18 was a recalling of the first Destiel scene in the barn. In which Castiel saw a broken soul, a man that thought he didn't deserved to be saved, and immediately he took that challenge in his arms. The challenge was to make Dean BELIEVE HE WAS WORTHY. That he deserved to be saved AND LOVED. That's why from this moment on, Dean will change the way he sees himself.

When Castiel says he understood HAPPINESS IS NOT ABOUT TO HAVE IT, BUT IT'S ABOUT TO SAY IT (FEEL IT) immediately after saying he couldn't have that thing (Dean) is marking to all the audience that knowing HE CAN'T HAVE DEAN, HE IS HAPPY JUST FEELING THAT LOVE FOR HIM. LOVONG HIM AS HE DOES IS WHAT MAKES CAS HAPPY, AND CONFESSING THAT LOVE TO DEAN, RELEASE HIM.

Because Death gave a speech that became a summary of all the villains through this show, Castiel is the one purifying each mean word by transforming them into Dean's virtues.

While naming Dean's sacrifices and protective behavior, and showing him HE DID IT FOR LOVE, Castiel is trying to make Dean to see himself as CAS sees him.

Love yourself, because you are precious, because I LOVE YOU. You are not a monster, you are all this good things I see on you.

Gif set credit @mugiwara-lucy

Castiel crying, loving Dean with all of his self, and Dean in shock (or silenced by the network and the writers).

All the foreshadows of Dean gagging, vomiting, swallowing, eating... all of that was for this moment here. Dean's silence. Dean eating his words, Dean being silenced.

We could try to find other explanation, or live forever inside Jackie's magnificent acting options (giving us that swallow and mouth shut, as if he was trying to speak... as if he was trying to reply to his angel...) but truth is... C*W and the writers silenced him.

And then Castiel was swallowed by black goo, again. And that was Misha's last apparition. The ultimate sacrifice for love. Again.

Castiel Love's confession word by word

I'm gonna talk about specifically of the Destiel scene. Word by word, as I wrote in the third meta on the top of this volumen, with some new additions.

“I always wondered, ever since I took that that burden, that curse, I wondered what it could be, what...what my true happiness could even look like. I never found an answer. Because the one thing I want...it's something I know I can't have."

It's canon now that Castiel was wondering what would it be to have Dean not just as a friend, but as a lover, and I'm.... Okay. (Internally screaming).

Pointed by @weird-dorky-little-d, the parallel here with Pamela (Dean's fem mirror in Rocky's Bar) in which she said DEAN ALWAYS WANTED WHAT HE COULDN'T HAVE. It means, both dumbasses in love thought their love were unrequited (in the worst scenario) but maybe to Castiel was the Sacred Oath? Perhaps...

"But I think i know...I think I know now. Happiness isn't in the having. It's in just being. It's in just saying it.”

This is such a deep thought and it talks about Castiel's maturity of character. He understood once for all, that loving Dean Winchester, feeling what he feels for him, and expressing that to Dean, is his true happiness. Because...

METATRON: "(...) You draped yourself in the flag of Heaven, but ultimately, it was all about saving one human. Right?"

Dean: "What are you talking about, man?

This question coming from Dean shows the audience Dean didn't know what Castiel was trying to say. So this could be a clue about Dean thinking his love is unrequited.

Cas: “I know. I know how you see yourself, Dean. You see yourself the same way our enemies see you. You're destructive and you're angry and you're broken. You're...you're 'Daddy's Blunt Instrument.' And you think hate and anger, that's...that's what drives you. That's who you are. It's not. And everyone who knows you sees it.

Cas: You know, ever since I met you, ever since I pulled you out from Hell...

I was hoping Dean to give us our angel back, but well. It was Jack. Hehehee.

Gif set credit @spnsmile

I recommend to go to the third link on the top of this meta and read @mrsaquaman187 amazing body language reading of this scene!

But now, about what Castiel is saying...

If you are still alive, i just want to point how romantic is this, because he is saying that Dean changed him for good. And he is naming all their family, Sam, Jack, and humanity, the world. Dean. So practically, Cas is saying, Dean showed Cas how to take care of others. Damn...

This is a call back to Castiel's talk with Ishim in 12x10:

ISHIM: The way you let those simians talk to you... Castiel, when did you get so gooey? You know why we're meant to stay away from them humans? Hmm? It's not because we're a danger to them. They're a danger to us. Case in point.

CAS: Well, my friendship with Sam and Dean has made me stronger.

Castiel rewording again, because he knows what Dean did on him, Dean changed him for good.

DEAN (quiet, resigned) Why does this sound like a goodbye?

CASTIEL: Because it is. I love you. (he smiles)

DEAN: Don't do this, Cas.

Dean's last words to Castiel... don't do this, don't confess your love for me and then die again.

It's painfully beautiful. Castiel was the light that touched Dean's life changing him for ever. He was loved and cared by this angel, and at the same time, Dean learned how to love Castiel in silence.

To Conclude:

The most beautiful love story ever told could've ended differently, happily, the way Dean and Cas deserved. But it ended up as a tragedy.

And we are here to fix it.

Destiel is canon and Destiel is forever.

Hope you like this meta. See you in the next one that will be the last one!

Tagging @magnificent-winged-beast @emblue-sparks @weirddorkylittlediana @michyribeiro @whyjm @legendary-destiel @a-bit-of-influence @thatwitchydestielfan @misha-moose-dean-burger-lover @lykanyouko @evvvissticante @savannadarkbaby @dea-stiel @poorreputation @bre95611 @thewolfathedoor @charlottemanchmal @neii3n @deathswaywardson @followyourenergy @dean-is-bi-till-i-die @hekatelilith-blog @avidbkwrm @anarchiana @dickpuncher365 @vampyrosa @authorsararayne @mybonsai1976 @love-neve-dies @dustythewind @wayward-winchester67 @angelwithashotgunandtrenchcoat @trashblackrainbow @deeutdutdutdoh @destiel-shipper-11 @larrem88 @charmedbycastiel @ran-savant @little-crazy-misha-minion @samoosetheshipper

@shadows-and-padlocked-hearts @mishtho @dancingtuesdaymorning @nerditoutwithbooks @mikennacac73 @justmeand-myinsight @idontwantpeopletoknowmyname @teddybeardoctor @pepevons @helevetica @dizzypinwheel @horsez2 @qanelyytha

@destielle @spnsmile @shippsblog @robot-feels @superlock-in-the-tardis @superduckbatrebel @belacoded @madronasky @anon-non2 @cea1996 @lisafu02 @asphodelesauvage @deancasgirl777

If you want to be added or removed from this list, just let me know.

If you wanna read the previous metas from this season, here you have the links:

Volume CXXI, CXXII, CXXIII, CXXIV, CXXV, CXXVI, CXXVII.

Buenos Aires, August 28 th 2021 9:03 PM

[lightleckrereins]

Thoughts on where the supernatural ending went wrong and why it wasn’t that hard to make it right

Alright I don’t usually do long analysis posts, but I’ve been yelling about this for over two hours so here it goes.

Spoilers for 15x20 (duh)

First things first: I’ll say it now, it was the right ending for the characters don’t @ me. It was the right ending but the worst possible way to get there.

Sam having a family and a relatively normal life, Dean in heaven with all his loved ones, Cas helping Jack be better than Chuck and making the world a better place. If you look back into their journeys that is exactly what they wanted and what they fought for.

The finale starts like a MOTW episode for no reason, cuts to Dean dying in a really dumb way and having an emotional goodbye that no one cared about because we were expecting a resolution to 15x18. Then cuts to an emotional Sam montage, then cuts to a rushed epilogue and that’s it. Nothing else.

I’ve seen many posts during the last two weeks on how this should end, but the basics are: getting Castiel back, Destiel resolution, Sam reuniting with Eileen, Sam and Dean going their separate ways with their respective partners but implying this is not the end. This closes the show nicely, closes every storyline we’ve had this season, and gives the characters actual happy endings.

But we didn’t get a single one of those.

What we got was a mess that dismissed everything they did this season and many things they did the past 15 years.

So, what went wrong and how could it have gone right? Note, I do believe they had to rewrite things because of the pandemic and all the lockdowns but there were better ways to do it.

The most disappointing thing about the finale is Castiel. The one thing everyone wanted was to get him back nothing more. There is this one great post (that I couldn’t find to save my life) about the basic thing this episode had to do and it was to save Cas, for him to get an actual conversation with Dean and closure. Destiel or not we needed closure. We got an offhanded comment and a license plate. That was the farewell to one of the most beloved characters this show ever had.

They could have ended 15x19 with Jack bringing Cas back before leaving to do god stuff, then Dean avoiding the subject until he gets impaled into a nail and Cas enters the barn perfectly mirroring his very first entrance to save Dean. And then they have the conversation™. Satisfying ending, ties all loose ends, can still end the show with Sam and Dean together in heaven.

They could have done Cas arrive to the barn just in time to save Dean saying Jack saved him and not explain a thing and it would have been better.

They could have made the same thing and then Sam answers the phone, and it is Castiel telling him Dean is happy in heaven and wants him to live his life. Ambiguous about Destiel but still good enough and again they can have the same ending.

They could have had Cas receiving Dean in heaven and (a kiss) resolution right there.

Dean dies on the dumbest death in 15 seasons of supernatural and that’s saying something.

That could have been avoided with either not having the nail conveniently there or with Castiel saving him. There solved you can do a million other things for the epilogue.

Or you know if they really wanted to end Cas on 15x18 they could have made his moment of true happiness, learning to be human and knowing he is fighting for the right reasons. It would have avoided burying the gays and coming off as the most homophobic finale ever.

Cas is literally dismissed but looking past that they gave him the perfect ending only failed to actually show the thing. He started as a soldier from heaven who rebelled because it was the right thing to do. Throughout eleven seasons he grows to understand humans and to get disappointed with heaven. In the end he fights for humanity and wants to make things right. Him continuing to mentor Jack in being a better god than Chuck is the perfect ending for Castiel’s arc.

Eileen never appears again. You are telling me they brought her back, created yet another loophole to bring her back to life, made a season long storyline about her and Sam getting together, killed her again, implied she is back to life (again) thanks to Jack. Just to completely ignore her in the finale.

I know the pandemic might have made it impossible for the show to bring Shoshannah Stern back for one day of filming, and if you squint it is implied the wife is Eileen, but that’s not good enough.

Here is where it feels there were rewrites. The best resolution was doing an actual reunion with the two of them going off together if that wasn’t possible with the lockdown the next best thing was to confirm in some way that Sam and Eileen ended up together.

Easiest way, when Sam was dying and they were zooming into all the photos doing a long dramatic pause on a photo of Eileen, or with she and Sam together. They could have taken a behind the scenes photo of Shoshannah and Jared and photoshoped it. Just to confirm they ended together.

I do believe both Sam and Dean dying and ending in heaven together was the right call, but Dean’s death was still dumb.

He should have either died in a hunt on a really epic way or (my personal favorite) died as an old man with Sam by his side and given his speech there. That would have been impactful, and the speech is actually really good. It was overshadowed by the Castiel shaped hole the finale had.

Either way Dean dying first and getting the new heaven explanation feels right, but it should have been Castiel or Jack receiving him there not Bobby. And that is another thing I feel had to be rewritten. The dialogue on that scene makes me think that in a non covid year everyone would have been there to receive Dean to heaven. And I mean everyone Mary, John, Bobby, Jo, Ellen, original Charlie, Bobby, Kevin, Pamela, Adam, Benny (even if this one is impossible), I’m sure I forgot someone.

And then he goes on a drive and meets Sam at the end. That ending works perfectly and would have been super powerful with the right execution but was overshadowed by everyone’s collective anger.

A perfect finale would have started with Castiel returning (even if it required mime vampires in skull masks), followed by the conversation everyone was hoping for, Eileen returning. And then the epilogue montage.

If I could ask for things during that it would have been: Destiel with a roadhouse, Cas coming and going to help Jack become a better god. Sam and Eileen going off together and eventually retiring together. Their wedding with Dean as best man and Castiel marrying them (also destiel wedding but I know that is way too much to ask). A montage of everyone getting together for Christmas and stuff. Scenes showing how hunters still visit Sam for info, magic, and advice. Eileen being pregnant and them being happy parents together. Dean being a good uncle. A good death for Dean with Sam, Cas, and Jack by his side and then the speech would have destroyed me. A good look for old man Sam and old man Dean. And eventually Sam dying and reuniting with Dean.

That would have felt satisfying and like they earned that ending.

One last thing. The “we want to thank you” speech felt like throwing salt in the wound of a really bad finale, but it would have been a billion times better if they got Misha there, and every actor and crewmember who was ever relevant to this show saying thank you (from home if they couldn’t be there for some reason covid).

[sortasirius]

Hello everyone, long time no extremely long text post about SPN from me.  Is this a meta?  Idk, it may just be my own rambling over SPN that I’ve never actually written down.

Every day I wish I could forget Supernatural and move on and every day I fucking fail.

I’ve heard so many people, my friends included, say they just consider SPN ending at 15x18, and as much as I wish I could do that, as much as I wish I could just accept 15x18 as the ending and not acknowledge the last two episodes, I’ve decided it’s impossible for me.  Maybe it’s just because I can’t accept an ending that is, at it’s core, incomplete, whether that’s the finale or 15x18, maybe it’s because, if 15x18 is our ending, Dean’s journey is left at even more of a cliffhanger than it is in the actual finale.

No matter how I look at it, no matter how much I wish I didn’t feel this way, the final two episodes tainted 15x18 for me.  I can’t think about it now without getting a little angry (though that anger is a lot less...intense than it was right after the finale). I can’t hear Cas’ speech without thinking about what was cut out, what we’ll never be able to see, what was taken not only from us, but from Dean, so much from Dean.  How can I feel like the end of the show is Dean crumpled on the floor, never being allowed to speak his truth, without even the idea that he could see Cas again?  I hate the finale, hated almost everything about it, but at least Dean’s closure with Cas was a possibility there, at least I could fill in the many, many blanks myself.

I’ve tried so hard to work through the anger, the rage, the disbelief at what the end of the show I hyped up for so long, and I feel like I’m being torn in half, even nearly five months after the fact.  I want to write for y’all, I want to do a rewatch and do more meta, I want to write hundreds of fics, but every time I start I find myself looking back at the finale, at what still feels like a stinging betrayal (yes, I know it’s just a tv show lol).

I’ve also seen so many people say they can’t wait for Jensen to reboot the show with Chaos Machine, and I know I’m in the vast minority here, but nothing he does can fix what happened, not unless he decides to do a shot for shot recreation of Dabb’s script prior to any cuts.  I know that is beyond incredibly unlikely to happen, but the ending is just like a black hole, so little of it makes sense, and I think that’s been the most difficult thing for me to process from it.  If it was decent but not what I wanted, I might be more excited about the prospect of a reboot, but realistically I know that the reboot will be a different story, and I don’t know how I’d be able to move past the finale, move past the fact that I will never be able to see the conclusion of a story that I so deeply loved.

Also...I just don’t want Jensen to have executive producer say in what happens if and when they reboot the show.  I love Jensen, I love him with all my heart, but there’s a reason that he’s not a writer, not a showrunner.  He has, for years, shown that he unequivocally understands Dean from the inside, but I worry about the decisions he’ll make regarding Dean from the outside, as he’s never looked at Dean that way and has, more than once, said things that Dean feels packaged as the way things are.

Maybe, if they decided to do Wayward Sisters, with Dean, Cas, Sam, Jack as minor characters rather than major, maybe that would make it more palatable to me, but the idea of a miniseries about a hunt?  Or a big bad?  Or Sam and Dean having brother time?  I just don’t think I can stomach it tbh, how can I stomach it when all I can think of is the last true mention of Cas was Dean hearing that Cas was in love with him, only for him to, completely inexplicably, never be mentioned again?  Like when you create a story like that and aren’t allowed to finish it, everything else just seems hollow in comparison.

I just...I know I’ve said this before but I just hated what happened for Dean.  Like the way his story ended was so wrong, so hollow, so weird with that final scene with Sam.  I just hate that no matter what, whether you view the show ending at 18 or 20, Dean is the one who gets shafted.  Sam gets shafted too, for sure, but Dean?  All that growth he went through, all that pain and heartbreak and reflection throughout the season with Cas, with Lee, with Jack, with Sam, with Mary, all of it is either left with him on the floor without speaking his truth to Cas, or driving around in circles for 40 years, totally alone.  I think that’s what made me the angriest, that Dean, this character that was so beautifully created, so masterfully created, partially by design, partially by pure accident, never got the closure to his arc that he so desperately deserved.

Bobby says to him, in the finale, that they were in the Heaven Dean deserved, but it never feels like it.  Dean has always been happiest surrounded by people, and the fact that he is, apparently, left without anyone and completely without a purpose without Sam?  It’s not only just plain wrong, it’s ridiculous.  I just wish, more than anything, that we could get the ending we were clearly supposed to have, and the fact that we likely won’t ever really know what we were supposed to have, like what the true original vision was, that’s what makes me so upset.

I think I’ve tried too much to forget SPN, and I’m sorry for that.  I miss writing about it, I miss writing fic and writing meta, I miss writing about Dean.  I want to get back to that, and even though I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to love it as blindly as I did before the finale, I’d at least like to try.

[ladyartemisia28]

Loop of Despair: Chapter 1

Chapter 1: Hurts Like Hell

Summary:

Dean Winchester could not believe that his best friend, Castiel was confessing his feelings of love towards him.

But the message does settle in by the 4th or so time that he hears it.

15x18 time loop.

Word count:1978

Warnings:Major Character Death (repeatedly), Language, Suicide/Sacrifice.

Author's note: thank you to @castielsbeeslippers for teaching me to add a READ MORE on mobile💚💙.

~

Chapter Title in reference to the Song 'Hurts like Hell' By Fleurie

~

Dean momentarily blacked out as his heart began to physically fail him. He found himself coming back to consciousnesses standing hunched over near the entrance to the room. Dean sighed in relief as he looked over to see Castiel finishing up painting a protective sigil on the door with his angelic blood.

Dean could feel the literal death grip on his heart ease.

“Did it work?” Castiel asks and receives a nod as an answer. “I blocked her grip on you”

Knock

“Dean she said that wound was killing her.” Cas should with a small bit of hope in his voice. A knock interrupts his words. “Maybe we can wait her out.”

Dean walks away from Cas “Yeah and if we can’t?”

“Then we fight” he replies as he looks back at the door which has another knock coming from it.

“We’ll lose” Dean says as he reaches the chair in the middle of the demon circle. He turns to look at Cas who is now looking back as he continues his negative spiral. “I just led us into another trap.”

Another knock

“All because I couldn’t hurt Chuck” he looks downward. Another knock. “Because I was angry and because I just needed something to kill and because that is all I know how to do.”

“Dean” Cas says resolute as he approaches him

“It was Chuck all along.”

Knock

“We never should have left Sam and Jack we should be there with them now”

Knock

“Everybody’s gonna die, Cas. Everybody. I can’t stop it”

Knock

This time they both look at this knock while Dean moved towards Cas

“She’s gonna get through that door ”

Cas looks away from Dean while he replies “I know”

“And she’s gonna kill you. And then she’s gonna kill me”

Cas glances briefly at Dean and then looks away once again.

Dean sighs and looks down before he says “I’m sorry”

Cas looks into the middle distance back and forth like he was going over a plan in his mind. He appears to have found something, gulps and furrows his brow with determination

“Wait there is.”

Dean raises his head and turns his face to look at Cas with the smallest glimmer of hope.

“There’s one thing she’s afraid of. There’s one thing strong enough to stop her.” He finally turns his face to look at the eldest Winchester.

Dean looks at Cas and gulps listening intensely as Cas looks away.

“When Jack was dying, I…I made a deal” Cas returning his eyes to look at him once more. “To save him.”

“You what?”

“The… the price was my life” Cas says his eyes beginning to water with feeling “When I experienced a moment of true happiness The Empty would be summoned and it would take me forever”

Dean’s face was confused as he struggled with a responses.

“Why are you telling me this now?”

Knock

“I always wondered” Cas’s face turned to look away for the briefest of moments before he quickly found the resolve to turn his gaze fully at Dean. “Ever since I took that burden, that curse, I wondered what it could be. What my true happiness could even look like?”

“And I never found a answer”

“Because the one thing I want is something I know I can’t have.”

Knock

Dean is confused and silent.

“But I think I know, I think I know now. Happiness isn’t in the having…it’s in just being it’s in just saying it.”

Dean has to break his silence and ask in confusion.

“What are you talking about Man?”

Cas has a brighter expression on his face as he takes a step forward towards Dean.

“I know, I know how you see yourself Dean. You see yourself the same way our enemies see you. You’re destructive, you’re angry, You’re Broken. You’re Daddy’s blunt instrument.”

“You think that hate and anger that’s what drives you, that’s who you are.”

“It’s not. And everyone who know so you sees it. Everything you have done the good and the bad you have done for Love.”

“You raise your little brother for love, You fought for this whole world for love. That is who you are.”

Dean can no longer hold his gaze.

“You’re the most caring man on earth. You are the most selfless loving human being I will ever know.”

Cas’s sadily smiles

The knocking sounds further away at the moment.

“You know ever since we met, ever since I pulled you out of hell” a tear rolls slowly down Cas’s right eye “Knowing you has changed me. Because you cared I cared. I cared about you, I cared about Sam, I cared about Jack, I cared about the whole world because of you”

“You changed me Dean”

“Why does this sound like a goodbye?” Dean asks still very confused at what was happening.

“Because it is”

“I love you”

“Don’t do this Cas” Dean pleads for him to not be saying these words as a goodbye.

One final knock.

The Empty appears behind Dean and he turns to look. Then quickly back at Cas as the door slams open Billie appearing behind it.

“Cas” Dean starts to say. Too many things are happening at once, he feels overwhelmed.

Cas places his blood covered right hand on to Dean’s left shoulder

“Goodbye Dean”

He shoves Dean to the floor before Dean can protest. Cas gives him one final fond look and then takes a breath.

The Empty grabs both of the otherworldly beings.

Dean is left with the silence before all of the emotion and tears break free.

~

Dean momentarily blacked out as his heart began to physically fail him. He found himself coming back to consciousnesses standing hunched over near the entrance to the room. Dean blinked in confusion as he looked over to see Castiel finishing up painting a protective sigil on the door with his angelic blood.

Dean could feel the literal death grip on his heart ease.

“Did it work?” Cas asks with concern.

“Wha…what’s happening?” Dean asks as he shakes his head to try and clear the fog

“Billie is coming after us.”

Dean stayed silence as Cas continued speaking. His words began to give Dean a sense of déjà vu

“Wait…this” he says quietly to himself.

He stares at Cas who continues telling him about his deal and telling Dean about how he was not a killer and how he was motivated by love.

Once Dean hears the words “I love you” he turns to look behind him a split second faster than he did originally.

He sees the empty and just panics.

“Take me you fucking tar pit!” Dean shouts as he runs full speed at it ignoring the panicked shout of his name behind him.

The inky darkness stilled as he threw himself at it.

~

He found himself coming back to consciousnesses standing hunched over near the entrance to the room. Dean blinked with shock as he looked over to see Castiel finishing up painting a protective sigil on the door with his angelic blood.”

“Did it….”

“Cas, we are in a time loop” Dean interupts

“What?”

“You summon the empty and you…”

“I summon the empty? But how?”

Dean could scream, ‘You fucking idjit! You gave him the idea!’

“You say a whole bunch of shit about me. I think letting me think that you love…”

“What?”

“Which is such a dick move. The way you say it is really…”

“Dean”

“The one thing you can’t have? Like what do you think I’m going to think when you say that?!”

“DEAN!”

“WHAT?!”

“I DO LOVE YOU!”

…

…..

“…what?”

He places his hand back on the same shoulder

“I love you,”

“Uh, like a brother right?” Dean asks with an eyebrow raise. He momentarily forgets about the time loop. Cas gives him a look of amusement.

Dean trys to make sense of what Castiel is saying to him.

“You love me? As in flowers, and chocolates,….uh” Dean gulps before weakly asking “kissing?”

“I’m sorry if this has made you um, uncomfortable. But just saying my truth is what was needed to make me happy. I feel an incredible amount of peace now. I am sorry I was not brave enough to tell you at an earlier time.”

This caused Dean to remember what was coming. Or in this cause, what had already arrived. In his pure confused and shocked state he had completely ignored that The Empty had already made it’s arrival.

“NO!” Dean shouted as he turned to look back and feel the hand hit his shoulder as he heard Cas’s final words to him again.

“Goodbye Dean.”

He was again at the moment where he was pushed away to the ground. This time he happened to find his voice..

“Cas, stop!” He yelled helplessly.

After the disappearance of Castiel happened again Dean just wordlessly screamed at full volume.

~

Dean momentarily blacked out as his heart began to physically fail him. He found himself coming back to consciousnesses standing hunched over near the entrance to the room. Dean blinked this time with anger as he looked over to see Castiel finishing up painting a protective sigil on the door with his angelic blood.

Dean could feel the literal death grip on his heart ease.

“Did it work?”

Dean ignores Cas’s question as he steadys his body and then rushes over to the storage boxes.

‘Okay so telling him did NOT work, Damnit! I see now why Sammy was so pissed off during his Groundhog day loop.’

“We have to find SOMETHING in this room to help us with this!” Dean shouts He makes an angry noise at knock behind him.

“Why do we have all this useless shit!”

“What the fuck is this?!” Dean asks as he holds up spiky crown.

“That is uh the crown of thorns” Cas replies. “That would be of no use to us in this situation.”

“If it can’t stop Billie then WHAT USE IS IT!!!” Dean yells as he throws it full force at the wall.

“There is one thing that is strong enough”

Dean’s head shot up his eyes wide to look at Cas’s face.

“NO no nonono!” he moves back towards him.

“Don’t you dare Cas.” He growled at him with a pointed finger.

“Dean, I have something you need to hear.”

“I will set your fine feathery ass on fire with holy oil if you keep on speaking your truth or whatever.”

He brushed past his accidentally blurted out flirty comment.

Cas tries to start his speech when Dean decks him.

It only gives him brief pause.

All it does is cause him to head tilt and stare at Dean with confused narrowed eyes.

“what, was that Dean?”

“See I AM fueled by ANGER! You can’t tell me otherwise!” Dean laughs mirthlessly. “Don’t lie to me!”

“No you are caring you are fueled by love.”

“No, you are wrong….you have to be wrong…I’m not…you…” Dean protested and waved his hands at Castiel. He then looked away from Cas.

“I know how you see yourself. If anyone was their Daddy’s blunt instrument it would have been me. I remember the first time I saw your soul. It shown bright even after it had been damaged in hell.”

“In my whole existence the only thing that changed me was you, Dean. I cared for the whole world because of you.”

“Please Cas,” Dean’s voice breaks “please don’t, I can’t do this again.”

“Yes you can, you’re strong and brave and you will survive my passing. I have no doubt. ” Cas thought he was just referring to Cas dying once again.

“I love you.”

As he felt the hand land on his shoulder once more Dean felt his lips tremble and tears pour down his face.

“Cas”

The Empty makes it’s entrance.

Castiel tosses him and is stolen once more from Dean.

Dean lets his tired head fall and waits for his next chance to change things.

(3).

~

(2).

[nothing-ever-really-ends-does-it]

I’ll probably delete later but I needed to rant.

Ok, so first of all I’ve watched SPN from the very beginning, I love this show with all its messy (and ridiculous) parts, it has made me laugh, it has made me cry and I has made me learn all the lyrics to Wayward Son by Kansas.

Now I’ve just finished watching 15x18 and I was feeling a lot of things, drying my tears eyes and feeling overall overwhelmed by those last 10 min. AND THEN I come here to share that excitement and I came across with so many bullshit coments and hate to the episode and the actors and honestly WTF. Don’t get me wrong SPN has made mistakes and it’s not always perfect, but that speech ?, the acting ??! The fact that they did it ?!!! It was pretty amazing.

Dean and Cas relationship has always been a favorite of mine, I’ll be honest and say I have always seen it more as something different than just common or traditional “romantic” love. To me it’s about loving someone that is basically one of the fundamental parts of you, family, a friend, someone who keeps you a float, someone who has saved you and changed you and that is an integral part of your life. This is by no means common or traditional couply romance, we are talking about an angel and a human, so I believe it has more layers.

(That is not to say I hate the idea of them as a traditional couple, I actually don’t mind I just see it differently and I would be ok either way) and as someone who identifies as asexual (I’m still figuring things out) I have always found them to be and amazing example of true love. It has been shown to us time and time again even if it hasn’t been said loud and clear that Cas is the second most important person in Dean’s life, from day one they shared a special bond, and they cared deeply for each other. And By all means, taking into account Dean’s character and backstory (if you have been watching the same show), Dean loves Cas and Cas has proven time and time again that he loves Dean. It’s been there the whole time.

Even if Dean and Cas do not feel “romantic” love, THEY LOVE EACH OTHER. Even if it were portrayed like one sided it wouldn’t mean there’s no love there. Even if they never shared a kiss IT WOULD STILL BE LOVE.

Love does not exist in only one way, there’s no

“valid” way to express love for it to be true, or for it to be real. Not everyone gives and receives love the same way, we are all wired different, and ultimately while Dean may not have said it out loud there’s no doubt of that love and that losing Cas hurts too much for it to be something with no importance. Cas loves in a way and expresses that love in a way. Dean in another. They have showed how much it has broken Dean every time they have lost Cas. The ramifications and pain. Dean is vulnerable with Cas in a way he rarely allows himself to be with anyone other than Sam. They trust in each other, they have put their faith in each other, they have changed because of each other and their dynamic is fascinating. And to toss all that away and that last goodbye just because they are not “together” is a shame to their arc.

It does not makes that love less profound or less valid or less good. I think the writers and Jensen and Misha did amazing job while also being true to that love and to their characters. And saying stuff like “JENSEN IS SO HOMOPHOBIC” or “HE WAS REPULSED” or saying things to diminish the actors and writers job is just childlish and stupid tbh. They didn’t owe us anything and they still did something amazing. And I’m not saying it was perfect and obviously there’s people who expected more and that’s fair and normal (I have been let down by other shows too), but to say it was trash, or not enough or homophobic is just not true.

I for one loved Cas speech, I felt it and I loved him even more as a character. If Cas was gonna go he was gonna go all out, sacrificing himself for the people he loves, protecting and saving Dean. It included the most important aspects of his character foundation and his love and utter adoration for Dean, how meeting him changed him and the way he saw the world, how he became this amazing fallen angel that loved and understood humanity thanks to Dean Winchester. How they have been saving each other in so many ways.

And if you think Dean wasn’t completely in shock while hearing Cas’s declaration while also understanding it was a goodbye in the midst of trying to defeat God and Death and keeping the world safe, idk what have you been watching. His reaction is like EXPECTED (?) and if you didn’t see the utter devastation in his face while he cried alone in the bunker you need your vision checked.

[norahastuff]

You know, I think a really underrated and particularly relevant episode of Spn we don’t talk about enough is 10x19 The Werther Project. Berens did something very special with that one. Why all of this is relevant post 15x20, I’ll mention at the end, so feel free to skip to that if you don’t want to read the whole thing.

Dean, at this point is suffering from the effects of the Mark of Cain and is afraid he’s not going to be able to control it for much longer. He gets hit by a spell and gets trapped in his subconscious, which for Dean manifests as Purgatory and Benny. Dean’s not under any illusions, he figures out what’s happening and he knows that this isn’t real, and yet the conversation he has with Dream Benny is one of the most illuminating insights into Dean’s mind that we ever get on the show. It shows how remarkably aware Dean has always been. 

Dean and Benny keep walking in circles and ending up at the same place. Benny even makes a point to remark

Benny: Well, how about that? A perfect circle. Don’t look at me, chief. You chose the way.

Dean: Benny, whoever you are, I need to get out of here

Benny: “Need” and “Want” are just two different things, ain’t they?

Dean knows there’s a difference. He may use the words interchangeably, but he knows they don’t mean the same thing. 

It soon becomes clear what the point of all this is: Benny is a figment Dean has created as the manifestation of his suicidal thoughts. He can’t see a way out, hence Benny appearing to try and seduce him into returning to purgatory, or in other words a place where he felt at peace and pure.

Out there? You’re sleeping. You make the right choice in here, you’ll sleep forever, and you won’t ever hurt anyone ever again. No one needs to know, Dean. What happens in Purgatory stays in Purgatory. 

Dean’s tempted. He considers it

I always did love it here. It’s as good a place as any to call it a day, huh?

Until he has a realisation:

I’d do it. If I really had to, I would. But the real Benny, would never let me.

I always found this moment fascinating. Sure Dean looks within himself and realises he doesn’t want to do this, he wants to keep fighting, keep living, but the impetus that snaps him out of his dark state of mind and to this realisation? That his friend, the real Benny, wouldn’t let him do this. 

Dean’s always been someone who forged these deep complex connections with other characters. There’s Cas of course, Benny, Charlie, Claire and even Crowley, which was also a very interesting and complicated relationship. These bonds were important to him, they changed him. If there’s any doubt how important, just listen to what dream Benny, who once again is just a manifestation of Dean’s own thoughts, says to him about the worst case scenario that could happen if Dean gives into the mark.

Benny: What., you just wanna wait for the Mark to reclaim you? Go out swinging, die topside, then what? Maybe kill a few humans? Kill Cas? Kill your brother? Yeah, that’s mighty honorable!

Dean: Benny, shut up!

Benny: Oh, I-I’m sorry. I forgot… about your plan. You gonna get Sam and Cas to put you down? You really think that they’re gonna keep that agreement? Come on. Dean, let’s say they do. Do you think they will ever recover from that? It will ruin them.

Benny’s not really saying anything here that we don’t know about Sam and Dean’s relationship. Dean is well aware of how important he is to Sam, and how it would break him to have to hurt his older brother, if he could ever bring himself to do that. 

What’s interesting (and I don’t think I mentioned it in my “Dean’s thoughts about how Cas feels” post) is that Dean also seems to know how much he matters to Cas. I mean remember earlier in the season when took Cas for lunch? Cas saw right through Dean’s “I’m fine” posturing, after which Dean made Cas promise to kill him if it came down to it. Seems like Dean always knew Cas wouldn’t be able to do it, and that even if he somehow could, it’s not something he could live with afterwards. Turns out Dean was right. Cas didn’t have a plan if he couldn’t convince Dean to stop. He knew after everyone Dean loved was gone, he’d still be there. He would stay with him and “watch him murder the world” but he wouldn’t be able to kill him.

I’ve seen a lot of talk post finale about how the writers never cared, and it was all a waste and people were reading into things etc and I have two points to make on that 

a) an incoherent ending doesn’t suddenly erase the hundreds of episodes of content that came before it. If themes, stories, character traits/personalities were consistently shown a certain way throughout the course of the show, that’s not all now worthless just because the finale didn’t live up to what it should have been.

b) Spn more than any other show has an interesting kind of writers room. The writers had very distinct individual voices, and were given a lot of free reign on how they presented their stories and the themes they focused on. I mean on no other show I watch do I know the names of all the individual writers and can pinpoint when I’m watching one of their episodes just from the way the characters are presented. You know when it’s an Edlund episode. You can tell when it’s a Yockey episode.

Same with Berens. You can chart all of Bobo’s episodes from beginning to end (9x06 - 15x18) and see how consistent he is with how he writes these characters and envisions their story. How important Dean is to Cas and vice versa? He repeatedly emphasises it. Dean’s state of mind and his sense of self awareness? He’s fantastic at that. See all of the above, not to mention he wrote that wonderful speech that Dean gives to Mary in her head in 12x22, where he talks about how he had to be a mother and a father to Sam. 

And last but not least, he’s always made sure to highlight the connections that Sam and Dean have, especially Dean. That stayed true almost up until the end. And God yes I’m so frustrated that all this work, all this beautiful storytelling didn’t seem to factor into the finale at all, but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t there. Journey, not destination and all that.

I’m not writing off years of intricate character work that has led me to love these characters and stories so much. There’s too much good here.

[piscescastiel]

ok so for laughs i went on the spn subreddit to see if they've actually been as homophobic and/or dumb as shit as we all think they've been about deancas and the ending and everything. and for the most part they have been! except here's one take that clocked me in that it was actually surprisingly good: someone suggesting that dean didn't reciprocate in 15x18 not because he didn't feel the same way about cas, but because he was Deeply Repressed™-- so deeply repressed, in fact, that if they really wanted to do a deancas storyline justice, they should've included at least another half-season arc just about, like. dean learning to deal with the trauma of his internalized homophobia (and other various traumas) and learning to actually fully believe what cas said about him doing everything he does for love and not anger.

and now i think that's actually just going to Haunt Me Forever! like yeah what we've learned over these past 12 months of november 2020 is that the C*W would evidently be too homophobic to ever even *think* about greenlighting something like that, but could you imagine???! like, an alternate universe (or a future jackles reboot miniseries) where, after cas gets sucked into the empty, dean actually gets adequate time and space to process that on screen??? like ok, they would still get rid of chuck and cas would still seemingly be stuck in the empty for the forseeable future, and then that would be the end of season 15. but then that wouldn't actually be the end, bc instead we'd still have a nice little 8-episode season 16 to finish wrapping everything up.

and in this imaginary season 16, the overarching big bad storyline becomes finding a way to deal with the empty and get cas back, while the emotional arc becomes about sam and dean having to figure out who the fuck they want to be now that they have free will. and maybe that means we see more of sam with eileen, and we see sam confronting his whole "but i'm inherently evil bc demon blood" complex and leaning into his witchy side, and/or we see him start to build up the men of letters and become a mentor to other hunters.

and then while that's going on, we actually get to see the emotional fallout dean is going through after cas's confession. we see dean trying to reconcile what cas told him (he is love) with how he feels about himself (he is violence and anger.) we see dean trying to process how he feels about cas telling him he loves him, and realizing that, holy shit, he feels the same way and he has for a very long time. we then see dean trying to make that realization fit with his conception of himself as the whole ~macho hunter toxic masculinity~ stereotype that he always thought he had to put on, and we see him realizing that free will means more than just not being beholden to chuck, it means not being beholden to john winchester's idea of right and wrong and not being beholden to whatever it is that anyone else may need or expect from him. and maybe that also means we even get to find some excuse to bring back john for just long enough that dean gets to verbally (or physically) curbstomp him a little bit!

and THEN by the time the season is reaching its high point plot-wise, like they've found their solution and they're ready to go get cas back from the empty, all this emotional stuff has been processed and dean is more certain about what he wants from his life now that it's actually up to him. which also means that he's now absolutely certain and guilt-free about the fact that, if they manage to pull this off and get him back, he does want cas in exactly the same way he knows cas wants him. and then cas *does* come back, and we get a nice little speech from dean summarizing all this character development, maybe a nice little call back like 'maybe happiness for you is in just saying it, but i want more than that' or something. and then dean finally gets to be true to himself and put his own desires first, and cas finally gets to hear someone else tell him they love him (in english), and then they kiss. and then it ends with an epilogue of sam and eileen running their hunter internship program or whatever, and jack coming to visit whenever he wants because he realizes he's god so he can do that, and dean and cas retiring to just be together, to just be normal and a little bit selfish and AT PEACE for the first time in either of their goddamn lives.

anyways every day i am tortured by visions of all the ways supernatural could have been Good if the C*W were not homophobic and also completely incapable of producing even one (1) coherent television program. on a related note, jackles baby you just focus on getting those reboot rights, i promise you the show and resultant glaad award victories will come together all by themselves

[caffiine]

A BRIEF PAUSE

From my regularly scheduled content. I’ve got some shit to say, y’all (forewarning for spicy language and spoilers)

I thought about making this post on my fandom subblog but this show and this relationship have been TOO important to me for the past 8 years to not give it its proper place in my life. strap in bc im not sure how long this mf is about to be.

When i started this DUMB show at age 19 tortured soul “empath” dark academia me thought sam winchester was going to be my favourite character. and don’t @ me, i love sam now in his own right (and we deserve some SAILEEN PEOPLE). but after literally less than 5 episodes i KNEW dean’s character and his arc were going to be amazing and beautiful and he immediately became my favourite brother. The nuances of his character i.e. his shell vs his true self were so evident to me even in the first couple seasons. in my humble opinion, he had the most growth of the two brothers.

They all deserve to be happy, but for whatever FUCKING reason dean has the HARDEST TIME OF ANYONE being happy in this show. I know it’s his character. I know it was written that way. But FFS.  I kept wondering when they were going to wrap up his emotional arc and stop torturing the poor dude.

then in season 4 they introduced castiel and 1) I thought the new concept of angels as assholes was super cool and 2) I hardcore SIMPED over misha collins (still do). I watched benignly as cas and dean began to form this relationship that seemed pretty special. I started watching the show when it was in its eighth season and I binged the shit out of it for two weeks until I was caught up. By the time I was caught up I was CERTAIN there were some feelings between them and I LOVED it. I am bisexual and I was ECSTATIC for a potential queer relationship between two masculine-portrayed dudes. I went on tumblr to express my newfound theory, only to find out that this was a real THING. “Destiel” was already an idea that had absolutely and intensely BLOSSOMED in the fandom  for several seasons already. So many others saw what I saw and saw the potential of emotionally tortured/constipated “daddy’s blunt instrument” dean and the unfeeling daddy’s boy cas “crack in his chassis” Winchester being allowed to be happy together. I felt validated and hopeful. For a while.

Then it was season after season of hopefulness for them to be finally happy with each other while still fighting the ills of their world with sam and the other new members of their family that were added along the way, only to constantly have that hope seemingly teased away at the end every single time. By season 11 and the introduction of amara (not bashing, eventually loved her character and her development too) I gave up. I lost hope. I stopped watching the show. I didn’t want to keep watching my two favourite characters continuously abused by the story they were thrown into.

I know not everyone likes destiel, not everyone thought it was real. That’s chill, idc. Stories are so often meant to be (and sometimes inadvertently) left up to interpretation by the person experiencing and consuming them. It’s what’s so amazing about books and shows and movies that are able to make us feel so intensely about them and their characters. And I felt SO strongly about dean and cas. It was honestly really upsetting to me, the way the show was going with their relationship.

A while later season 13 had been going on and I started seeing some things pop up on my dash. Hopeful things. I did a bit of research and accidentally saw THE SCENE from season 12 and I couldn’t help myself. I restarted it. I watched the whole thing from the beginning again AND introduced it to my boyfriend I think partially as a way to ensure I wasn’t imagining shit (it took him awhile and a lot of me internally screaming during many scenes but by season 9 he was like “uh are they in gay love”). Fast forward to me finally catching up as season 14 was starting. I was still hopeful, somehow. And it happened AGAIN. Season 14 and the beginnings of 15 made me so sad. I HATED what they did with their relationship. I HATED the way it ended. I HATED the way dean treated cas and everyone around him. It felt like the show was taking his whole character arc back to day 1. I didn’t understand. I kept watching for a couple episodes after the big argument and cas left but the luster was gone and eventually I just stopped.

I love this show. It has meant so much to me as a story. So many of the characters are/were very dear to me. I know it’s a running joke with this show about character deaths and homophobia but the strength of the bond I felt was between cas and dean gave me a lot of hope. But it wasn’t enough. I felt betrayed one too many times. And for those of you who kept watching, for whatever reason, I don’t hold it against you. It’s still a beautiful and interesting story without cas and dean’s relationship. But I just personally couldn’t do it anymore.

I hadn’t planned on watching the rest of season 15 when it came back after pandemic hiatus, at least not for awhile. So imagine my FUCKING surprise when I was doom scrolling through twitter during election week on Thursday and I see supernatural trending right along with election shit.

What.

I couldn’t stop myself, I looked and literally SCREAMED and made my boyfriend spill his wine all over our couch. I didn’t know exactly what happened as I hadn’t seen the episode but APPARENTLY all my emotions and feelings had been at least partially vindicated. So I BOUGHT season 15 so I could finish watching where I had left off. I watched 8 episodes in less than 24hrs (don’t judge me there’s a quarantine) and I LIKED them. And it might’ve been bc I knew what was about to happen in 15 x18 but I really felt like the show was getting STRONGER as it neared its finish.

I was so excited for 15x19. I read so many posts from fellow fans, destiel and antis alike. There really weren’t a lot of bad emotions running around. Everyone seemed hopeful and excited like me.

I probably don’t need to go over 15x19 emotions but im going to anyway. I was disappointed. I was confused. I was angry. we are in season 15. The last season ever for this show that has had a HUGE following of fans who have loved it, sometimes unconditionally, sometimes even though it wasn’t the best (and sometimes less than good). A season and show that had just announced YES. CAS LOVES DEAN. ITS REAL. And I shouldn’t have to go over the nuances of why we would expect more after this, with two episodes to go before the show is done forever.

But I will bc im mad af.

Like I said in the beginning. Dean’s character arc has been incredible. His emotional growth – as subtle as it might’ve seemed – has been amazing. And dean has always been an emotional, loving person. he just felt like he wasn’t because the world made him feel that way. And that’s sad, y’all. Dean deserves to realize he DESERVES happiness. And in 15x18, we were finally heading basically directly there. With destiel, yes, but even if you’re anti, what cas said to dean about who he is and why he loves him obviously struck a fucking chord with dean. It obviously changed the way he viewed himself (RE: “that’s not who I am, that’s not who we are”).

But for WHATEVER reason that’s ALL we got in 15x19. One fucking SENTENCE about dean realizing maybe he’s not just built to kill people. And then jack leaves without a single mention of Eileen or cas or Charlie or literally anyone they ever cared about and dean rode off into the sunset alone with his brother while we watched a fucking FIVE MINUTE MONTAGE that made me want to hurl my own body into the sun they were driving toward. And cas is STILL DEAD.

BUT THERE’S STILL ONE EPISODE LEFT AND FUCK ME IF I HAVENT BEEN PAINTING ON MY CLOWN MAKEUP ALL WEEK. SO WHAT DO I WANT????

ONE: DEAN DESERVES HAPPINESS. REAL HAPPINESS. What the FUCK supernatural??? Wasn’t this the whole point of his arc??? And don’t get me wrong I REALLY want that happiness to come from Cas and a real spoken relationship of some sort between them bc it also ties in with my second point but tbh just PLEASE let dean be happy. Dean is a loving person and does everything for love as we JUST FOUND OUT. Dean would NOT be happy with everyone he’s ever loved gone for the rest of his life. I just don’t believe that’s fucking true. h elp him pls.

TWO: CAS DESERVES HAPPINESS. I know we got this whole speech about “happiness isn’t in the having it’s simply in being”  but like. Really. Castiel was supposed to be a throwaway character no one was supposed to care about. But we all cared SO MUCH that he lasted 11 SEASONS longer than intended and became a main character and an integral part of the story. Cas has arguably sacrificed more than anyone on this show. His last act was to sacrifice his life to save the man he loved. He knew where he was going. He knew he was finally going to be able to tell dean he loved him and then immediately be taken by the empty where we know now thanks to season 15 that everyone in there just gets to dream forever about their regrets and sadness. HOW IS THAT FAIR. HOW IS THAT A GOOD ENDING FOR CAS. HOW DO YOU EXPECT ANYONE – CHARACTERS AND FANS ALIKE –TO BE HAPPY ABOUT THAT. Its messed up, supernatural. Y’all KNOW it is and I hope to HIGH HEAVENS this is going to be corrected in 15x20.

THREE: give sam Eileen back. 

Well that’s all I’ve got in me, folks. I’m absolutely and intensely dreading Thursday. Im scared and nervous and obviously still angry that this is absolutely going to be the opposite of what they promised – another “game of thrones” ending. Some of y’all are giving me hope with your posts about maybe they’re trying to keep the ending a surprise and maybe cas is coming back and how can they not and why else would they have done the second to last episode like that and I hope yall are right.

Either way, im glad I am not alone with my feelings. Thanks yall for the experience of this fandom and show. Let’s stick together on Thursday, no matter our differences.

 PS stop calling jensen ackles a homophobe or ill hex you. 

[amarienne]

It’s been two days. My blood still boils when I think of all the lost potential. (ramblings regarding how out of character the finale was)

Never before has an episode of any show, or a chapter of any book, or a scene of any movie has made me so upset. There is rage inside of me and the question of ‘how can a writer betray his own characters like this’.

(huge post following.)

I was not a hardcore destiel shipper. When I first started watching SPN a few years ago I knew of the ship but I thought that there was no chance in Hell a show like this would make it canon. And if we had never gotten 15x18 and some parts of 15x20 maybe I would be a tiny bit happier with how the finale went.

But the biggest mistake they did was give us the confession scene and not only that but echo it in Dean's actions in 15x19.

'That's not who I am'

This line keeps coming back to me because literally two episodes ago we saw Dean willing to sacrifice himself, Jack and even Sam so Chuck would disappear. He was red with rage and he didn't care for anything else apart winning. Let's not forget the thing that made him stop for a minute was Cas questioning Sam on why they should not go ahead with the plan. [Oh, there are plenty to be said for the only angel in all the universes that didn't just 'follow orders' after 'gripping him tight and raising him from perdition' but I won't go into that here.]

And sure, all that was Chuck's writing, but wasn't everything?

So what I am trying to say is that in three consecutive episodes we see:

-Dean full of anger and rage and ready to do anything to win -Dean giving up, losing hope after being cornered -Dean and TFW (minus Cas) finally overpower Chuck and walk away peacefully

So what changed? What made Dean walk away redifining himself as something different than the 'ultimate killer'?

Castiel. Of course, Castiel. The confession was so precious not only because Cas professed his love for Dean. No. It was vital to the plot of the next episode. And that was because before Cas utterred 'I love you' he spoke of how he sees Dean. How the way he sees himself is not the way Cas and the rest of the world sees him. How everything he has ever done, good and bad, was for love. Only for love. Not winning, not gaining power or wealth or recognition. But for love. At that moment Dean sees himself as Cas sees him, and it leaves him struck, speechless. Dean, who always had a snarky line ready is in awe trying to understand the words he is hearing.

And then, after everything is done and dusted we see Dean say 'That's not who I am' mirroring Cas' final words. The words he spent I don't know how much time sitting on the floor against the wall thinking about and crying. Noone else had gotten across to Dean like that, not even Sam. And we see that he started adopting Cas' image of him, believing it to be true. Or starting to.

Dean Winchester overpowered the ultimate villain and chose to stay true to Cas' image of him instead of taking revenge for Chuck screwing him over all his life.

This is poetic and heartbreaking, especially knowing Cas is gone. Not having Dean talk about the confession in 15x19 makes sense. We see glimpses of him numb at the loss, mourning Cas, wanting him back. We see the hope in his face when he thinks he is back. All these things make sense for 15x19, and even though we were sad we had to wait for the next episode hoping to see something tangible (aka the week we all clowned) I was content. The battle was done, the main plot was wrapped up. All was left was to see where all this last minute huge (especially for Dean) character progression and self acceptance would end up.

And then fucking 15x20 happens. It is like the writers threw in a cardboard box all the above points and details and threw it in the ocean. Nothing, absolutely nothing after the first 5 minutes makes sense in this fucking episode!

The montage at the beginning filled me with warmth and happiness. Dean (and Sam) are having a normal morning. Dean looks happy, he is eating, not depicted as overly drinking and most of all he has Miracle. He is focusing his love and affection on another living being. Sweet and warm. He plans to spend the afternoon eating pie with his brother. Goofy and light. The man deserves it for a bit.

But then we get the mention of Cas from Sam and we see how Dean reacts. How can Dean, who was sobbing on the floor and was demanding Cas to be brought back basically an episode ago keep an emotionless face and brush it off. We get the line 'If we don't keep living all that sacrifice was for nothing'. So we are meant to believe that right now Dean is not particularly bothered with Cas' death because it was a sacrifice to save the world. At this point a dread is starting to fill me.

Um, if it was the first time Cas was dying I would understand this. We have seen Dean broken over Cas' death before multiple times under more peaceful circumstances. Dean wouldn't leave Purgatory without Cas and you are trying to convince me after gaining true free will and finally writing his own story Dean would not break every cosmic rule to bring Cas back? Even if he did not reciprocate romantic feelings? This is the textbook definition of out of character in my eyes. Screw the romantic aspect because we ship it. Strip all the glances, touches and sexy lines we enjoy to gif and think back to feed the good ship Destiel, forget about it.

Keep the core of their relationship- the '3rd Winchester brother' who has stuck through thin and thick with them for the past 12 years. You mean to tell me Dean would be happy leaving Cas in the Empty and continue living his life? How is that possible? How is that Dean? How is it possible that we would not see Dean at least trying?

And then 20 minutes later comes the complete opposite of the line Dean wants to stick by. 'If we don't keep living all that sacrifice was for nothing'

But Dean does not keep living, does he? He doesn't grow happy or old. He doesn't start a family or open a bar or learn to dance. He doesn't honour Cas' sacrifice. He dies in the most unimaginitive way. And it is cruel. So cruel.

Dean went from having the strong belief that he would die young on a hunt fighting a monster, saving someone, machete and gun in his hand to starting to accept there is more to him than killing things.

And this fucking episode did a full backtrack and what did it give us?

Dean dying young on a hunt fighting a monster, saving two kids, machete and gun in his hand.

We got Dean dying in a way that gave us a 10 minute speech on how much he loves Sam. We got Dean dying in pain, scared and terrified. We got Dean getting a hunter's funeral with only Sam attending. We saw at Mary's funeral how a hunter's goodbye should look like. Room full of friends, mementos and alcohol. And Dean doesn't get any of that to honour his life.

How can he deserve that? How is it possible?

Even with Heaven 2.0 now being this trully idyllic place how can this be what Dean deserves?

And Sam... Sam gets to grow old in pain and regret. One foot on Earth with his family, one foot ready to follow Dean. Did anyone think Sam looked happy in that montage? Leaving the only home he shared with Dean? Presumably giving up his hunter friends, not even playing a 'Bobby' kind of role? Keeping the Impala in a dusty garage?

Jack... Jack who said he would be hands off, but how am I supposed to believe this would include his family? And even if he didn't heal/save Dean you mean to tell me he wouldn't be there for Sam? I am thinking of Jack appearing after Dean dies, supporting Sam's weight as he collapses, explaining why he can't bring him back. Standing next to Sam as Dean's body is burning.

And Cas... Cas who finally told Dean his truth and then sacrificed himself, content. Cas was saved from the Empty. No longer in eternal sleep sufferring. Working with Jack to rebuild Heaven. And... what? Cas who made Earth his true home, who was talking through tears how he loved the whole world through loving Dean, chose to stay in Heaven? Not stepping in Earth? Not getting in contact with the brothers? Waiting for them to die to talk to them again? And even when Dean dies he is not there to welcome him along with Jack? How is that possible?

We had gotten to know these characters so well over the past 15 seasons. How can the writers give us such a finale, so OOC for all three of them?

How can we not get a scene with Dean and Cas after the last two episodes?

Why have the confession, why have this be Cas' true moment of happines?

Why have the prayer in Purgatory a few episodes back?

Why have Dean break down in a way he has never broken down before?

What is the point of all this if there will be no climax? Even if it is the tiniest nudge, a couple words and a hug.

It makes absolutely no fucking sense. Up until now it felt like all roads, all plot points were converging to one- happiness, peace, love and family.

But no. We got a finale that would make sense 15 years ago. 15 seasons worth of character development and relationship building (not just Destiel, but Sam + Eileen, Jody, Donna and the girls, Charlie and so many others) and we got a finale that basically had Dean die so Sam could have a family.

As others have said here in tumblr Dean and Sam's lives on Earth would end up being exactly the same they ended up being if Dean did not go to get Sam that night.

How can a writer choose this fate for their characters? Why explore everything we watched on our screens, if on the last episode you decide to press delete on 15 seasons and basically deliver episode 1 if something had gone wrong and Dean died?

It makes no sense! It makes no sense regressing your characters 15 years and taking out of them all the experiences, especially those of the past few episodes.

You strip them into their season 1 selves. You strip them from all the layers of friendships, relationships, pain, experience and wisdom they went through and you strip them down to just two broken brothers, sticking together hunting things and saving people til the end. Which yes, they were.

But that was not all they were. Supernatural was a show about the family you make, not the family you get dealt with. Sam and Dean MADE the choice of sticking together. Yes they were brothers, but we know how easy it would have been to lead very different lives which would resulted in never seeing each other. They chose to stick together and they chose to build a family based on love, not blood.

And we got nothing of that legacy.

Is is unfair and it betrays not us, the fans, but the characters.

And that's what's hurting most.

[fanfic-corner]

15x18 Fics - !SPOILERS AHEAD!

I think we can all agree that everyone - fans or not - were pretty shocked by the reveal of last week, and everywhere (Tumblr most of all) seemed to explode. AO3 was not exempt from this massive outpouring of creations, so here are some fics based on That Scene. I will warn you that not all of them are fix-it fics, and most of them are quite short for obvious reasons.

Like Real People Do by prosopopeya on AO3. (4,490 words).

Tags: Coda, Episode Fix-it, Fluff and Angst, Spoilers, Post Episode: s15e18 Despair, Angst with a Happy Ending.

My Rating: 5 stars.

Description: Castiel experienced a moment of pure happiness, expecting it to be his last. It wasn't. 

Notes: This was so poetic and absolutely gorgeous.

The same old tears (wish you were here) by DestielIsFuckinReal on AO3. (1,992 words).

Tags: Temporary Character Death, Post Episode: s15e18 Despair, Coda, Love Confessions, Angst with a Happy Ending.

My Rating: 5 stars.

Notes: The speech marks were slightly annoying, but other than that, this was beautiful.

Never Enough by make_your_user_a_name on AO3. (1,556 words).

Tags: Post Episode: s15e18 Despair, Angst, Suicidal Thoughts, Love Confessions, Supportive Sam Winchester, Sam Winchester Knows, Domestic Fluff.

My Rating: 5 stars.

Description: It took him hours to notice it. He hadn’t felt it in the moment. Hadn’t felt the Cas’ hand stick slightly to his shoulder as it pushed him away, leaving him to face the Empty alone. But now that he’d noticed it, it was all he could look at. That bright red handprint standing out starkly against his jacket. It was perfect, really. Not a drop out of place. Just a handprint and nothing else. That was all he had left. The handprint where Castiel had “gripped him tight and raised him from perdition.” And now he’d saved him one more time. Same shoulder, same placement, same sting when Dean looked at it. It was poetic in the cruelest of ways. And if it weren’t for everything, he would have thought this was Chuck’s writing. But, no. Castiel was the only part of Chuck’s story that he couldn’t control. Because Cas had fallen.

Notes: Now this fic brought out the ugly tears.

this is a good thing, dean. (prayer is a sign of faith) by cascountsdeansfreckles on AO3. (529 words).

Tags: Prayer, Dean Winchester Prays to Castiel, post 15x18, 15x18 coda.

My Rating: 5 stars.

Description: Dean’s legs still don’t want to move. He sits propped up against the wall and stares unseeing at the chair in the middle of the room. Everything that Cas said plays over and over in his head. The image of Cas looking devastatingly relieved, content, as he was taken from Dean won’t leave his mind. He doesn’t know what else to do. So he prays.

Notes: Okay, and I’m crying. Again. The one time Cas can’t hear Dean’s prayers is the one time it is the most important.

all the things i’ve never said by Saffir on AO3. (849 words).

Tags: 15x18 Fix-it, Angst, Heavy Angst, First Kiss, Confessions, Sad Ending, Nonbinary Castiel.

My Rating: 5 stars.

Description: Castiel knows that their time has come. The past decade has been spent protecting Dean, living for Dean, dying for Dean. It finally comes time to sacrifice themself one last time. He wasn’t expecting it to hurt this much.

Notes: Confirmation of their relationship would have been nice! I mean, I firmly believe Dean reciprocated, but it would be nice to know for sure. And oh boy, I had not stopped to think about the scene from Cas’ point of view.

gay love pierced through the veil of death and saved the day by firefliesandstarlight on AO3. (444 words).

Tags: Fix-it, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives.

My Rating: 4 stars.

Description: Cas doesn’t die. That’s literally it.

Notes: Is it bad I found out that Charlie died through the end notes of this fic? Like, imagine writing a scene so moving that it overpowers the fact that several other fan favourites died in that same episode.

15x18 coda: it’s in the being by contemplativepancakes on AO3. (1,167 words). 

Tags: Post Episode: s15e18 Despair, Coda, Dean Winchester Can’t Cope, Hurt Dean Winchester.

My Rating: 4 stars.

Description: Blood splatters from a severed neck, the body twitching before it collapses to the floor. It sprays across Dean’s face, dotting red droplets over his cheeks and in his hair. Dean keeps his mouth shut so he doesn’t get the taste of copper stuck in it; he already can’t get Cas’s face out of his mind. Dean knows this is the last place he should be, that with the world ending, it doesn’t really matter if there’s one less nest of vamps in the world, but if he stops moving, then he’ll… have to think. “I wondered what my true happiness could even look like, because the one thing I want, it’s something I know I can’t have.” 

Fuck, they wasted so much time.

Notes: I don’t even know what to say anymore. My heart is simultaneously full and utterly broken.

1 Missed Call by glenien on AO3. (597 words).

Tags: Post Episode: s15e18 Despair, Referenced Character Death, Angst, Dean Winchester is a Dumbass, Angst with a Happy Ending, Death!Castiel, Coda, Fluff and Angst.

My Rating: 4 stars.

Description: The buzzing never stops.

Notes: I love the implications of Dean literally flirting with Death here, and even though this isn’t the ending I think we’ll get, I can still hope!

Only know you love him when you let him go by Azura_lights_18 on AO3. (1,365 words).

Tags: Angst, Canonical Character Death, Post Episode: s15e18 Despair, Hurt/Comfort, Dean Deserves to be Happy, Angst with a Happy Ending.

My Rating: 4 stars.

Description: Destiel is finally canon... for ten seconds. My hopes for the upcoming episodes (just let Destiel live, please.)

Notes: I am loving the inventive ways people are bringing Cas back! I have hope, but that might just be me putting my clown wig on.

maybe just this once (let me keep this one) by psyiocke on AO3. (1,678 words).

Tags: Episode: s15e18 Despair, Canonical Character Death, Angst with a Happy Ending.

My Rating: 4 stars.

Description: Dean Winchester listens in silence, and he mourns in it too.

or the aftermath of hearing your best friend say he loves you and then watching him die.

Notes: Oh boy here I go again. That tag, by the way, is much too soon. But if this is what happened at the end, I would be happy.

Instinct by CKLizzy on AO3. (510 words).

Tags: Fix-it of Sorts, Episode s15e18 Despair, Episode Fix-it.

My Rating: 4 stars.

Description: Dean reacted on pure instinct. Instinct he didn't know he even had.

Notes: Oh, if only. I would have passed out.

A World Redeemed by Lif61 on AO3. (732 words).

Tags: Season 15 Spoilers, Post Episode: s15e18 Despair, POV Dean Winchester, Romance, Love, Happy Ending.

My Rating: 3 stars.

Description: Cas is gone, and the world is saved. But not for Dean.

Notes: I do really hope Cas comes back. Otherwise, I’m gonna have to go and have some words with someone.

Happiness is What Makes You Cry by AnotherWorld3111 on AO3. (358 words).

Tags: Angst, Referenced Character Death, Canonical Character Death, Post Episode: s15e18 Despair, Hurt No Comfort, Love Confessions.

My Rating: 3 stars.

Description: Just... read the goddamn tags

Notes: Oh man, if Dean actually breaks down in front of Sam, I will die on the spot.

All Out of Love by asofthesea on AO3. (681 words).

Tags: Not Actually Unrequited Love, Angst and Feels, Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Post Episode: s15e18 Despair, Homophobic John Winchester, Protective Sam Winchester, Hurt Dean Winchester, Hurt Jack Kline, One Shot, Brotherly Love, Feelings.

My Rating: 3 stars.

Description: After the events of 15x18, Despair, Sam and Jack rush back to the bunker to find Dean alone, and falling apart at the seams.

Notes: John Winchester would have been homophobic and no one can change my mind.

Tag to “Despair” (15x18) by Alvinola on AO3. (793 words).

Tags: Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort.

My Rating: 3 stars.

Description: Sam has to pick up the pieces when Cas is gone.

Notes: Seriously, these fics are making me cry all over again. I mean, what can Sam possibly say to make any of this better? That’s heartbreaking in itself.

And a shameless self-promotion:

‘I love you’ by LinaRai on AO3. (420 words).

Tags: Angst, Episode: s15e18 Despair, Spoilers, Canonical Character Death, I’m Sorry.

Description: "I love you." Dean just stares at him.

Notes: I wrote this in a Criminology lesson while eating a bag of crisps which basically equated to my lunch because I was a mess and I had to. And yes, I am fully aware that I write things with major character death too often. So sue me.

So, how is everyone feeling? I’ve started re-reading Angel’s Wild in a wild (get it) attempt to cope. Also, this led to me having a full conversation with one of my teachers about Sherlock. ‘Maybe next time don’t use a current show as an example of queerbaiting,’ she said, as if any of us expected Destiel to go canon. Seriously, how do you explain to a 40 year old woman who only just realised that BBC Sherlock might possibly be queerbaiting how much no one expected that to happen? 

[avauntus]

2020 favs: (short) fic recs

I am stealing this idea from @macgyver-sheriff, who has no clue who I am, but whose post I saw go across my dash. Thank you! 👋

Would you like some recs for the holiday season? - I too would like to share love for my favorite things I read that were written this year! <3

I’m going to do this in two parts - the short fics (10k or less, generally one-shot), and another post for the long or series fics I loved this year (it’s 2020, I figure we can use too much of a good thing?)

( @staidwaters - I’m ‘disqualifying’ your works because I’m biased, sorry! Look away! Unless you want recs!) 

"Congratulations, Get Rich" (9,238 words) by Attila (The Untamed - modern AU)

Tomorrow is Chinese New Year, which means Wei Wuxian has to get all of his bad decisions out of the way tonight.

Lan Wangji, Lan Xichen, Jiang Cheng, Mianmian are all so screamingly perfect as modern versions of themselves in this, and it is KNOCK DOWN HILLARIOUS. Wei Wuxian is just a screaming queer disaster (affectionate) - as he should be.

Excerpt:

After a long beat, Lan Xichen sinks gracelessly into the chair Lan Wangji had been sitting in earlier. “I just want to be absolutely clear,” he says delicately, “that you are currently under the impression that my brother has no romantic feelings for you. That is what you’re saying to me right now, yes?”

“Yes?” Wei Wuxian says, feeling desperately confused. “Obviously? Why?”

“Because at least one of you is very stupid, and I’m trying to figure out who,” Lan Xichen tells him, sounding distracted. It’s the rudest thing Wei Wuxian has ever heard him say, and his mouth drops open slightly.

“caved to the careless” (6,708 words) by ilgaksu (The Untamed/MDZS - Song Lan/Xiao Xingchen)

Love is a choice you make - like this, and this, and this.

Have you ever read a writer whose work is so distinctly itself that you can feel yourself slipping in time even as you keep going? That’s not very articulate, but it’s the best way I can describe everything of ilgaksu’s I’ve read. Their fics are the same emotional register as having the breath knocked out of you after a fall. This was the first one I read, and I think it ends well-- with what Song Lan and Xiao Xingchen find along the path-- but it’s still heavy. Discussions of canon-compliant character death and grief/mourning here.

Excerpt:

He pauses. Until this very moment, he was unsure who to ask for. He has heard the rumours of the Yiling Patriarch’s ongoing residence here, about Zewu-jun’s seclusion: he’s dead, but even the dead are not free from gossip. But he remembers a courtyard, nearly two decades ago, and the weight of eyes some might have called angry in their intensity. He remembers those same eyes, and how for the wear of the intervening years, they had kept the same essence: longing, yearning, a kind of small unspoken grief.

Song Lan had a dream once. A dream of a sect, bound not by blood, but by a shared belief in the right path. So many things are only an inheritance: shame is one of them.  

Love is a choice. Love is a choice, and you choose until you can’t.

“I am here,” he decides, carving the words into the dirt, every stroke of every character resolute, “To meet with Hanguang-jun. Please show this one the way to go.”  

“Green River Running” (8,169 words) by @rain-hat (Love in the Moonlight - post-canon AU)

5+1: Kim Byeong-yeon returns to the land of the living.

I skimmed through Love in the Moonlight during my quarantine summer (distinguishable from my “quarantine spring” or “quarantine fall” only by fireworks), and immediately upon finishing, thought: “Psht, they killed off their best character.” And then, something happened that never happens -- I went on ao3 and found the exact thing I was looking for, written far  better than I could have imagined. Kim Byeong-yeon is such a quiet yet powerfully subversive presence and the progression here is so masterfully done. This is true of all of rainhat’s work’s I’ve read, but this is a fine example-- I really treasure the warm humanism of them.

Excerpt:

People needed helping hands even more than they needed sympathetic ears, though. Over the last year, Hong Gyeong-rae and Byeong-yeon had built houses and planted crops side by side; negotiating with moneylenders here, helping small-folk secure their stores against bandits there. There was nothing courtly about Byeong-yeon’s capacity for labour, or his expectation of reward. Wherever he went, he worked from dawn to dusk, ate the food he was given, and slept under a roof if he was offered one.

It suited him, Hong Gyeong-rae thought, even though there was something outlandish about his gentle speech and palace manners in the midst of it all. But to behave in any other way would be untrue to his upbringing; nor was he the sort of man to whom it would occur to try. And after all, most people liked to be treated with courtesy; it did not come across as mockery from this solemn, severely dressed young man, who seemed to find no task too big or too small. Hong Gyeong-rae had seen him argue tax law with local councillors and stand up to highwaymen armed with nothing but a knife and staff. But he watched cooking pots for women who had to run to the fields to tide over the day’s labour, too; he wrote letters for them, and tolerated their fractious children and spoon-fed their bedridden elders, if that was what was called for.

“The Veritable Records of King Taejo: Year 2, Entry 208“ (9,857 words) by @sadviper (My Country: the New Age - Nam Seon-ho & Hwang Sung-rok slice-of-life)

Hwang Sung-rok eats his way to the bottom of a real estate scam, and Seon-ho and Yeon help (a little).

No one is out here doing it like SadViper. This is technically part of a series, but they can all be read separately. I did not realize I needed to see more of Nam Seon-ho in all his “type-A government official glory” until Viper started sketching him out for us, and as a bonus, we get to see Yeon, and Sung-rok as the world’s surliest caretaker (but don’t call him that). I have an authorial fallacy where I always think stories have to have some grand “plot” -- a “Maltese Falcon” to pull the reader along-- the genius of Viper’s work is she shows us exactly how interesting and important the day-by-day tiny choices and connections we make are, with an impeccable background of historical research to ground you in the setting.

Excerpt:

Nam Seon-ho was his master now. He was a strange one. He was a traitor, for helping the escaped Liaodong soldiers, but not, because he managed to wiggle his way back into Yi Seong-gye’s favor and was now a sixth-ranked inspector with the privilege of having personal audiences with the King. He was temperamental and belligerent from being the son of a slave mother and a lifetime subject of Lord Nam’s fantastic parenting philosophy. He was afflicted with perpetual guilt. And he was also one of the hardest working and most desperate people Sung-rok had ever known.

It was a terrible combination. He was not merely a disaster waiting to happen, but a disaster perambulating on two legs at the edge of a chasm. If Sung-rok intended to stay in service for long, he needed to find a way to cool down some of Seon-ho’s intensity, even though admittedly, it was what drew him to Seon-ho in the first place.

Thoughts like these plagued Sung-rok for a while. It was one thing to know a person; it was quite another thing to try to change them.

“Orison” (4,975 words) by @gravelghosts​ (aeli_kindara) (Supernatural 15x18 coda)

Cas says, I love you.

So! This rips my heart out, every time. All the times Dean imagines himself together with Cas...and then he imagines himself, if not happy, then thriving.

Jack: “What is the point...if everyone I care about is going to leave?”

Castiel: “The point is that they were here at all and you got to know them, you... When they're gone, it will hurt, but that hurt will remind you of how much you loved them.”

Excerpt:

The thing Dean tries to do is: listen.

Happiness isn’t in the having. It’s in just — being. It’s in just saying it, Cas tells him, and Dean’s whole heart is screaming, No, but he shuts his mouth. He listens. He listens like his life fucking depends on it, which it does, in more ways than one.

“Sky Full of Song” (6,632 words) by @drivingsideways (Supernatural, finale 15x20 fix-it, Dean/Cas)

Or: The One in which Cas ghosted Dean.

Look. Look. If Cas(tiel) can yank Dean Winchester out of Hell, celestial-scream at him not once but twice, burn out a woman’s eyes like an utter clown before thinking “Huh, an Earthly vessel, guess that’s not just bullshit, then,” and when they finally work it out, Dean greets them with a knife to the chest and THEN they’ll spend twelve years misunderstanding each other and bickering, you had better believe these two are going to be disasters even in Heaven. Drivingsideways gives us all of that dynamic, with the found family of Jack and Mary as facilitators, and the happy resolution, which of course includes a true form “roughly the size of your Chrysler Building.” <3

Excerpt:

The thing is, Castiel doesn’t want Dean to feel obligated.

Dean has a streak of self-sacrifice that's as wide as the Caspian Sea, and Castiel doesn't want to be any more of a chore or obligation than they have been to Dean for all the long years of their—brotherhood.

Castiel had shocked Dean, to the core of him, with their confession, and Castiel had seen the swirling confusion, the fear, the panic, the shit what do I say, what do I do—how do I stop him—

So, no, Castiel would not be paying a visit anytime soon.

Of course, if Dean evinced an interest in meeting them, then Castiel would not stay away.

Castiel isn't that cruel.

(They have, on occasion, been exactly that cruel, but they are trying to outgrow it.)

Dean is still their friend.

Dean knows how to reach them, if he wants to.

(see? disasters. haha)

“The Rough” (3,267 words) by anactoria (Supernatural, finale -15x20- ‘fix-it’)

 Heaven can absolutely fucking wait.

Rec’ed for the concept more than the style (this is dialogue-heavy, as a lot of 15x20 fix-its tend towards), but I *love* this course-correction: After kicking around Heaven, Dean and Cas return to Earth to take their place as urban legends among the hunter community. Just for a while.

Excerpt:

But it isn’t life. That’s the thing. It’s awesome, but it isn’t life; life’s a hard, painful, infuriating mess, and Dean only got halfway through his own, and he feels cheated. For all he held it together for Sammy at the end, for all he tried to take Cas’s big moment-of-happiness speech on board, he feels cheated.

There’s supposed to be peace at the end. When you’re done.

Dean wasn’t done.