#I still have a couple of those collections on my bookshelf

[a2zillustration]

So many of the croissant comics give me Calvin and hobbes vibes

It’s been a hot minute since I read a Calvin and Hobbes strip, but that comic was one of my favorites growing up. I’m not sure exactly what about Croissant’s adventures gives you those vibes, but I am chuffed that one of my earliest comic loves seems to be worming its way into my work!

[aidenwaites]

I finally got The Hell Room mostly cleaned up/organized,, and it feels so nice in there,, look at my bookshelf

[arcanewhoosh]

Conversations and Lack of Consequences (Partners in Crime, Chapter 6)

This work is also posted on AO3 here

4.2k words

Proofread? Y/N/Maybe

TW: Minor descriptions of injuries, minor mentions of trauma

You deal with the immediate aftermath of your actions. Jayce and Viktor offer you advice and guidance. Jinx is radio silent.

The next few minutes, half-hour, hour? or so is fuzzy. You remember hearing people rush over to Ekko and Mylo. You briefly hear someone-it occurs to you that you didn't know a number of people at this party-Seriously, who are these people-muttering that one of them had to get taken to the hospital. There was a sharp pain on the right side of your head, but you were too busy trying to collect your scattered thoughts to check what was wrong. At some point, the cuff on your hand is removed- Who took that off?-your hand limply falls to the floor, and you're up, and escorted to a separate room.

It only registers that it's Jinx's room-messy, gadgets and trinkets strewn about, clothes haphazardly thrown next to her hamper-once you walk through the door. You're settled onto a bench at the foot of her bed, before being left alone. You scan the room, trying to get your bearings. A desk is on the left side of the room, with papers and books stacked onto one another, barely leaving any space to actually write, a bookshelf next to the right housing more trinkets than books, next to a bay window that you know she enjoys lounging on. The walls very tastefully decorated, not a speck of spray paint. They wouldn't let me paint anything you remember her say the first time she showed you her place.

Your musings are cut short when the door slams and Jayce walks in, a frown on his face, his brows furrowed. You're mildly surprised to see that there's only a hint of anger in his eyes, worry and confusion taking up most of his expression. The both of you are quiet for a few moments, as Jayce takes a seat on a chair by the bay window and sighs.

After ruminating on what you were going to say, you look up at Jayce, currently looking down at his clasped hands. "...Is it bad?"

He sighs again, and pinches the bridge of his nose with his thumb and forefinger. "Yeah... It's pretty bad."

You breathe in. Hold. Breathe out. "How bad?"

"Mylo had to get taken to the hospital. Ekko's face is swollen to hell."

Now it's your turn to sigh. "Fuck."

Jayce asks you what the hell had happened. You tense up, you had no idea. You've gotten angry about being teased about your birthday before, but never became violent.

"It's... I don't know if I can explain."

"Try." You look around the room, checking to see if you'd find any help from the random objects strewn about.

"My birthday, it's today."

"Yes, and?"

"You know how I don't celebrate it?" Jayce scoffs.

"Gods, please don't tell me you beat the shit out of those two because of that."

"It's hard to-You wouldn't understand, Jayce-"

"Well you're gonna have to help me understand!" He stands up as he says this, and starts pacing around the room. You swallow a lump in your throat.

"You threw the first punch, and two, two people got on the bad side of a beating. One got sent to the hospital, the other can barely open his eyes. Caitlyn's out there debating on whether or not she has to arrest you!" He gestures to the door, still pacing back and forth, quick strides along the carpeted floor, you stop trying to follow him with your eyes, the sensation of having to look left and right so quickly making you slightly dizzy.

"Jinx and Vi?" You manage. Jayce gives you a look.

"I just told you that Cait is thinking about arresting you, and you're asking me about Vi and Jinx?"

"I- I know, I just... This is dredging up a lot of things okay?"

"You're telling me." He takes a seat back on the side of the room. "What the hell was that? You've... You haven't had any trouble the past couple of years, then these two pop up and this happens?"

You shake your head. "It wasn't because of them, I don't think, not entirely. I just... I shouldn't have come to this party."

"You still haven't told me why this all had to go down."

"It's some old shit okay? Stuff with my mom when I was a kid." You refuse to look at Jayce, a dark spot on the carpet suddenly becoming incredibly interesting.

Jayce stands again, huffs, looks over to you, then out the window. "If you get in trouble-"

"I know what happens if I get in trouble Jayce. Hex Tech will get into-"

"It's not about Hex Tech, it's about you. I'm worried about you." You chance a glance up at him as he says this. He's facing you now. "You could get kicked off the company and be blacklisted from any other ones operating in Piltover. Everything you worked so hard for would be taken from you in an instant."

You look back down. Your knuckles are cracked, red and bleeding. "I know. I'm sorry. I don't know what came over me." You're sincere, because whatever justification entered your brain before the punch was thrown, or reason that made you keep going, is now conveniently eluding you. 

"This place-" Jayce starts. "-it's not fair to people who come from where you do. It's such an outdated and shitty system, but it's the reality we have to live with for now. I don't know what's going through that brain of yours, nor can I begin to understand what kind of pressure you're under, but I need you to have your head on your shoulders, and your feet on the ground. You can't have these kinds of-" He gestures with his hand. "-lapses in judgement, and you certainly can't start beating people up because they pissed you off."

Your mentor, boss, older brother figure? walks over to you and gingerly puts a hand on your shoulder. "You can talk to me about all of this when you're ready. Just... Promise not to do anything stupid like this again."

You let out a breath you didn't know you were holding, still looking down at your hands. The adrenaline had long gone and they had started to hurt. Your knuckles were swollen, a good amount of scrapes and broken skin made it unbearable every time you tried to move them. The dull ache on the side of your head calls your attention. Reaching up a hand, you're met with a sticky sensation of slightly dried blood when your finger comes into contact with your temple. The skin above your eyebrow had broken. Funny, you don't remember being hit there.

"You look like crap." You hear Jayce speak up. You absentmindedly rub the blood between your fingers.

"Yeah, well, you should see the other guys."

A beat. Jayce's eyebrows furrow.

"Not the time, I know."

Before Jayce can lecture you on your poor timing, the door slowly opens, and you and Jayce immediately turn your attention to the new arrival. Caitlyn, ever awkward but poised, peeks her head in, and once confirming that it's only you two in the room, enters and shuts the door.

You can't tell what mood she's in based on her expression, but you're pretty sure she'll either lecture you, unleash a string of insults, or say that Vi was right about you all along and that you were a bad person to be around with, or she'd arrest you. Or all of the above.

You sit up straight, breath caught in your throat. She looks between you and Jayce, before settling on you, her blue eyes not giving anything away.

"How are you feeling?" She asks.

Like being swallowed up by the earth You want to say, but you already being on thin ice with multiple people, you opt in for the safe, honest answer. "Everything hurts." You say. She nods, then sighs.

"Well, I at least have some good news. The other two are fine, mostly. It seems like their injuries looked much worse than they looked." You and Jayce simultaneously let out a breath of relief. Cait ignores this and continues. "Besides the swollen face that'll probably hurt for a week or two, Ekko is good. Mylo has a broken nose and will have to get some of his teeth fixed… again. The biggest injury that they have is the one to their egos, which we should all be thankful for." She turns to look at you. You straighten up again.

"Vi spoke with Ekko, and went to the hospital to talk to Mylo. She assured me that they won't press charges, and that we'll all pretend this didn't happen, and move on." She says as she waves a hand around. Your brows furrow and you're about to speak, but Caitlyn holds her hand up.

"Granted that you stay away from both of them for the foreseeable future." You're not quite sure who looks more surprised, you or Jayce. You're half expecting Caitlyn to say sike and book you, but she doesn't. She does, however, raise one of her eyebrows.

"That's it? I get out of this with a slap on the wrist?" Caitlyn sighs and pinches the bridge of her nose.

"Believe me, if this was me we would've gone to the station and sorted this out there. But Vi was insistent and practically begged me to not arrest you."

Wait, what?

You stare at Caitlyn, mouth slightly agape. Vi, who had hated your guts for years, who cut off contact with you and completely removed any affiliation between her family and yours. Who, after seeing each other for the first time in years once you had started working for HexTech, had barely acknowledged your existence and did little to hide her disdain for you. This couldn't be the same person. Had she been kidnapped maybe?

"She did?" You and Jayce say in unison. You momentarily forgot that he was in the room.

"I tried to ask her why she was suddenly belong so lenient with you, but she said this," she motions around you, "was a personal matter that I wouldn't entirely understand unless I was there." Jayce gives you a look at this, Caitlyn catches it and furrows her brows. "I take it I won't be able to get it out of you either?"

"Already tried." Jayce says. She sighs.

"Alright then, we'll let it go, for now. I'll keep tabs on Mylo and Ekko, just for the love of God, don't try to contact them." You both look over to Caitlyn, already heading for the door. "No arrests?" You ask again, she shakes her head.

"No, I guess not."

"Good. Thank you Cait." Jayce says, emphasizing the appreciative tone as he thanks Caitlyn. You mutter a Thank you Caitlyn as well. The latter makes it halfway out the door before turning back towards you. "You lie low, take some time off until this blows over. At least until your hands heal. Alright?"

She shares a look with Jayce. To someone who wasn't familiar with the two, the look would've been dismissed as a simple expression of concern. To someone that was familiar with them, which you were, you could almost hear the silent conversation they were having.

No work for him in the meantime.

Got it.

You want to express your protest on the matter, but you bite your tongue and remain silent, already feeling like you've consumed all of your sympathy points with both of them. A thought crosses your mind.

"Wait, where's Jinx?" You ask. Cait simply says that she had gone with Vi to the hospital to try and smooth things out with Ekko and Mylo, as she ducks out.

Caitlyn shuts the door behind her, and a few beats of silence pass. Jayce walks over to you and offers a hand. "They cleared out the guests before I went in here to check on you. I'll drive you home. And for God's sake, do what Caitlyn said and get some rest, please."

You put your wrist on top of Jayce's waiting hand, the pain in your hands making it too difficult to move them. You're hit with a wave of dizziness as you stand up, your head suddenly throbbing again. Jayce seems to notice your discomfort and puts your arm over his shoulder-he has to lean down a bit because he's irrationally tall-and helps you towards the door. You make a mental note to thank Caitlyn and Vi-the concept of thanking the latter completely foreign and strange in your mind- for having everyone head out before you're half carried by Jayce out of the apartment.

------------

Two weeks had gone by before Jayce and Viktor deemed you rested enough to return to work. You're not sure what made them think you were rested, given you were going absolutely insane being stuck in your apartment with nothing to do. All of this exasperated by the fact that Jinx hadn't tried to contact you over the stretch of your Mandatory Medical Leave. You had tried texting, calling, emailing; hell, you almost considered sending a letter. You wanted to go see her, but Jayce and Viktor had kept close tabs on you and were serious about you laying low. Fortunately, it hadn't been four days since you heard of Jinx.

Jayce had kept in touch with Caitlyn, who is his direct link to Vi, and thus their direct link to Jinx. It wasn't much, but beggars couldn't be choosers. And so you asked Jayce nearly every day for any updates. To his credit, he tried to get any news he could from Caitlyn, but it wasn't a lot to go off of either.

Jinx had been uncharacteristically quiet the past two or so weeks, opting to-miraculously-go to work early and head home late. Anytime Vi asked what was keeping her busy, she'd mutter something about super-secret SilCorp projects that needed her undivided attention. Well, it couldn't have been that important, seeing as she had time to visit Mylo and Ekko. She actually visited Ekko quite a few times. This didn't bother you, of course, definitely not. The few times this week you'd accidentally punch a hole through the notebook you were writing in were definitely unrelated and definitely not because you remembered this particular fact.

You sigh heavily. The fifth sigh of the day, according to Viktor, who thought it would be funny to keep a tally on one of the whiteboards around the office.

"You know, you should just go see her." He says, adding another line to the tally. You shake your head.

"No, if she ignores you, it means she doesn't wanna see you, and if she doesn't wanna see you, it means she lets you know when you can come see her."

"And that is?"

"Whenever she tells you." You check your phone again for any replies. Nothing.

"It's a bit unfair of her, isn't it?" He says.

"It's a bit unfair of me to ruin a party she set up for me." You reply. Despite not having much to do while you were stuck at home, you did reach out to the party guests, offering up apologies and gift baskets. You'd never seen so many tins of fancy sardines in your life.

"A party that you didn't want, and she knew, if I remember correctly. Knew we'll enough that you'd have a bad reaction, so much so, that you became uncharacteristically violent."

You open your mouth to speak- "Which by the way, you haven't even discussed with neither me, nor Jayce. So even if she had good reason to ignore your reservations, there's no way I couldn't throw some fault to her."  He adds quickly.

You sigh again,-Viktor adds another to the tally- you had known Jayce and Viktor for years. They were the ones that stood up for you when people doubted your potential. They were the ones that served as your family after Vi and the others had cut you off from theirs. They had shown you nothing but love, support, and kindness over the years. It shouldn't be this hard to tell them about your past. That many years later, it should be funny to retell how the last time you celebrated your birthday, your mother had died, and that you always thought that something bad would happen if you ever celebrated it. How it's actually silly how you associate such an extreme superstition to such a singular event. How every time you try to talk about it, you're taken right back to the harrowing scene laid out for your too-young self. How you had avoided going back to your house until months after, fearing that once you open the door, you'd see her dull-

 "It's quite alright if you're not ready to talk about it." Viktor says suddenly, his tone lightly clipped, laced with a tinge of worry. You hear him recap the marker, "But if she's adamant on not seeing you to even discuss what happened, then you shouldn't be making a fool of yourself trying to contact her."

You look up to see Viktor looking at you pointedly with his arms crossed, clearly not impressed by your maybe pathetic display of desperation. You check your phone again.

"Maybe… I'll send one more message, and if she doesn't reply, I'm not gonna give her space." Viktor raises an eyebrow at you, clearly unimpressed. You type out the message anyway.

Look, if you don't wanna talk, that's fine. I'll leave you alone. You hit the send button.

"There. If she doesn't reply, then I'm putting my phone on silent, with the exemption of messages from you guys." You say as you lift your phone screen so Viktor can see. The latter seems somewhat bemused with this, and turns to go fidget with one of the workstations.

"As a dog returns to its vomit, so a fool repeats his foolishness." He says, shaking his head.

"Thanks for the support Viktor." You grumble. He makes a comment about you reaching a new personal best for sighing.

You toss your phone onto an empty chair and try to shift your focus back on your work, which is honestly what you should have been doing, given that it is still working hours. But you can't help but occasionally steal a glance at your phone's screen, hoping it would light up once you do.

A few minutes go by, then an hour, then three. You let out a frustrated groan and ruffle your already messy hair as you realize you haven't made much progress work-wise. This was getting out of hand.

So what if Jinx doesn't respond? She's well within her rights to do whatever she wants. She can work on her super-secret work projects, visit her childhood friends, and totally ignore you. But you shouldn't be letting her live rent free in your head and take over valuable time that you should be spending on your own tasks. You lasted years not hearing from her, what's maybe a couple more days?

You almost let out a sigh, but remember that Viktor is still probably tallying and you couldn't let what little pride you have left to be shattered. So you stand up from your chair a bit too abruptly, and mutter a quick goodbye to Viktor as you grab your phone and bag and head out the door. Your previous train of thought only proving to sour your mood even further.

The drive back to your apartment is quiet. Too consumed with your thoughts to even turn the radio on. You're so out of it that you don't realize that you're already up the elevator and heading over to your front door. The hallways is dusted with orange as the sun is setting outside. You turn a corner, and you swear up and down that a pang of disappointment doesn't hit you as you're met with an affrontingly empty front door. No, you weren't hoping that Jinx would do her once usual routine of randomly waiting for you outside of your apartment. I just felt like visiting she would say, and you would shake your head as you unlock your door and let her in.

---

"Mom! Look what we found in the creek!" You rush through the front door, as fast as your legs could carry you, excited to show your mother the gigantic toad you and the others had caught. It had taken all five of you-because Vi said she was too cool to be catching toads, whatever that meant, and had opted to sit and watch- to surround the surprisingly fast critter. You and Mylo had gotten completely soaked after diving head first into the water, and ended up crashing into each other.

You race to the kitchen where your mother was washing a few dishes, a smile already on her face. It momentarily disappears, her eyes going wide after seeing you holding a toad, before slowly returning. "Uhm, that's nice dear… look at the size of him!" She says as she wipes her hands on her apron, sidestepping away from you and the toad. You extend your arms and hold it out to her, and she very subtly hides her jump before standing her ground.

"Isn't he cute?" You say, still holding it out to her, waiting for her to take the toad from you. She doesn't, a beat of sweat dropping from the side of her face.

"That's nice, love. But won't Mr. Toad feel homesick? What if his family is waiting for him at the creek?" Your smile drops. You hadn't even considered if Malcolm-Mr. Toad- had a family he had to take care of back at the creek. You turn Malcolm's little face towards, his eyes unblinking.

"I'm sorry Malcom. I didn't know you had a family." Your mother furrows her brows in confusion, before realizing that you had named toad. "I should take him back home, shouldn't I?" You ask, looking over to her. Your disappointment allowing your mother's sigh of relief to escape your notice.

"Yes dear, I think you should. Mister-Malcolm probably misses his family. Plus, he'll be safe once he's home." You look back at Malcolm, and after a nod of determination, you start heading back out the door. You hear your mother shout out for you to hurry back home, before the door loudly slams behind you.

---

You sit up from your bed abruptly, woken up by a pounding on your door. You're stunned for a few seconds before reaching under your bed for the bat you kept for protection. The pounding at the door continues as you try to stand up as quietly as possible, tapping your phone on the nightstand to check the time.

02:41

You don't believe in ghosts, nope. But the thought of random banging on your door at this hour still sends a shiver up your spine. You take a breath-Ghosts aren't real, this is an actual person banging on my door- on second thought, a real-life person banging on your door is actually scarier than a ghost. People can touch you, ghosts can't. Your grip on the bat tightens. You could call the police, or the building security. Oh who the hell am I kidding, security's probably sleeping downstairs.

Bang bang bang.

Steeling your courage after listing down your options, you slowly, quietly, approach the front door. You're about 10 paces away when the traitorous floorboards of your room creak under your foot. You stop. The pounding stops.

A sigh, from outside. "I already heard your creaky ass floor." Comes through, muffled, exasperated.

 You freeze. Suddenly, the thought that someone would be banging at your door at two in the morning doesn't seem so strange. Because of course there's someone in your life crazy enough to show up at your front door at two in the morning. Should you be surprised? Angry? Terrified? Pissed? Elated? Happy? Fuck. You shake your head, letting out a huff as you stand there, bat raised, looking a tad bit ridiculous.

"Bubs? Are you in there?" You hear the voice say. It's still muffled, but it's obvious to you that the previously annoyed tone is gone. Uncertainty, timidness, shame, maybe, replaces the usual haughty, and confident tone of Jinx. A few seconds pass. Your grip tightens on the bat, the previous fear of whoever was banging on your door, replaced by the terror of having to face who actually is at your door.

You take another few paces before realizing that you probably shouldn't be holding onto a bat before you greet Jinx at the door. You briefly consider still bringing it since you've become attached and assigned it as your emotional support item, but then her seeing you holding a weapon wouldn't be so welcoming. Besides, she's obviously here to talk-even though your brain only associates these kinds of late night visits for other motives-and clear things up. Nothing else, no sir.

Come to think of it, were you even ready to talk to her? Did you reach out to her several times, like an idiot? Yes. Did you spend the better half of the past couple of weeks hoping she's show up to talk? Yup. Spent way too long on that--You shake your head, trying to snap yourself out of your train of thought, you're getting distracted. You decide that the best way to get through this is to just rip off the band aid. So you steel your resolve, grab onto your door knob, and pull the door open. Ready-were you really?-- to face the impending conversation and the consequences of actions.

[aaronsrpgs]

A Worksheet Manifesto (Rough Draft)

The Worksheet Manifesto is an attempt to explain why I'm moving my game design toward something I can print for free at the public library and give away. It's not a scold or a call to action; I buy full-color zines and hardcover books, and I support people charging for their work. This is a personal manifesto—an exercise in self-exploration.

The first reason I pursue this is ACCESS. I want people to be able to find and play my games. (Accessibility is maybe a better word for this, but I don't want it confused with the process through which something is made easier to use for people with disabilities.)

Some of the main barriers I've seen are financial (someone can't afford my games), technological (lack of computers and/or printers makes it more complicated to read my games), and international (shipping to someone outside the U.S. is prohibitively expensive).

Combining these three elements, I realized I wanted my games to be cheap or free. The common "community copies" solution on itch.io is much touted, and for good reason, but as I tried explaining the process to friends who weren't familiar with the site (or who flat-out aren't tech savvy), many responses were confused or frustrated. So I've set most of my games to pay-what-you-want with a suggested price.

Going from computer tech to printer tech, my most recent games were laid out in black and white, without ink-sucking textures (although some still have large spots of black in the art--something I continue to consider). Many American libraries offer limited free printing, and I always hope people will "utilize" the printers at their jobs or schools. I want people to be able to easily print out my games and share them at the table or pass them to friends.

And more selfishly, I hate dealing with fulfillment and shipping. It's stressful for me, it requires money up front to print things, and I'm bad at it, which means shipments go out slow, or not at all if someone lives outside of the U.S. Creating a file that's easy to print hopefully encourages people to create their own copies.

These cheap print copies also hopefully contribute to a feeling of DISPOSABILITY. I grew up with comic books, magazines, newspapers, and mass market paperbacks, and I think these cheap, short slabs of culture helped them feel like someone could engage with them without having to be fancy or educated or in the know. (A lot of us gatekeep ourselves!)

Prices for RPGs, like so many nerd collectibles, have steadily risen at least since the start of the pandemic. Crowdfunders often capitalize on FOMO, encouraging people to go all in on deluxe hardcovers with fabric bookmarks or whatever. And if my experience working at a used game store is anything to go by, lots of those fancy editions go right onto the bookshelf, unread. Don't want to break the spine or get fingerprints on it!

And I guess I'm just against consumerism? If someone wants a nice thing, I hope they get it, but a culture of games as luxury items and status symbols is not something I'm interested in.

So if someone has a game of mine and they don't want it anymore, I hope they pass it on, put it in a little free library, or recycle it.

And those dirty little printouts of my games? I want people to touch them and write them. I want TACTILITY. This is partially a usability issue: 300-page hardcovers are hard to find information in, and they're heavy if you have to lug them to a friend's house.

So I try to design games where everything a player (including the GM) needs is on, at most, three sheets of paper. I want them to be able to spread a couple pages out and take in the shape of the game they're about to play. I want them to circle things and make notes in the margins. Moving a pencil around does wild things to your brain, the same way that picking at a guitar or molding clay does. It focuses attention in interesting ways.

And in the end, you hopefully have a personalized article of play. And if you spill beer on it, no one's worried about replacing that $50 hardcover.

Speaking of beer, I want my games to be available to and contribute to COMMUNITY. As the pandemic started, I retreated into lots of online spaces, and those were absolutely vital to my survival. But I lost touch with lots of my friends and acquaintances in my city. I want to reconnect with them.

One of my favorite cartoonists, Mark Connery, is known for drawing little zines and just...leaving them all over. Coffee shops, art galleries, bathrooms. And when I think of him, I think of an artist responding directly to the places around him. Is it sad that some of this work is probably "lost" to all readers other than the person that happens across the zine? A little bit. But I think that comes from a bad part of my brain, the part that wants to own things.

I certainly don't want the entirety of my own work collected and widely distributed. Some of those things were specific responses to specific times that I've moved past. Some were bad! But I want to keep responding to my specific times and my specific place. I want to give things to friends (even if they just pass them on or recycle them). I want to give a game to someone at a zine fest and have them recognize my name from a zine they read in a coffee shop bathroom. And maybe they'll give me a zine in return.

My last hangup is MODULARITY. First, similar to tactility, I want to be able to give a player only the rules that matter to them. Character creation and basic rules? Here's a page. And once you're familiar with that and we've entered a downtime phase, here's a page with those options. You want to start a farm? Here's a page. I want it to feel like printing coloring pages for kids or ripping out my favorite magazine articles. These are the parts that matter. And if they stop mattering, you can get rid of them.

But I also want modularity on a system level. I want to add a subsystem to game as I think of it. I want to throw in an adventure pamphlet when it comes to me. I can keep them all in a little box, like a care package from my past self, and when it's time to run a game, I can dig around like a verminous animal and build my nest out of the best bits.

In CONCLUSION, I want to reiterate that this is a personal practice, and I'm not criticizing people who work differently. I used to work differently, and in the future, I'll probably work differently again.

This is simply the way I've identified what's important to me, set that up against the things that cause me to stumble, taken advantage of the privileges I have, and tried my best to bring that all together in a way that keeps me excited about my own work.

[growingdesires]

Feb Update

Hello Everyone,

After much delay I am here with the Feb update.

Firstly, Content; I am still working on a long commission, it has taken me much longer than I had expected due to many reasons, some of which will appear down below. My aim is to get the content all completed and sent over by the end of the week at the latest so I can start releasing content for you on Monday 17th of Feb. The themes of this story will be Ass Expansion, Weight Gain and some surprises.

I missed a post on Friday, unfortunately I am not in a position to send anything out, the Wednesday post was a scramble as it was which ultimately didn’t sit right with me, but I do appreciate the supportive messages about the long message on that one. D.A.I.V.I.D will continue, maybe on 14th Feb. The themes for this one are still up in the air but it will primarily focus on Weight Gain.

I’ve completed another smaller commission whilst I had a day out away from my laptop, I wrote it on a Bluetooth keyboard on my phone and me and the commissioner were happy with it so you can expect two chapters for this to release on the 10th and 12th of Feb. The theme for this story will be around Giantess and something I want to let you read and find out.

I’m still working on two other commissions too, Ass Expansion and Breast Expansion coupled in with a few other things for each. The timeline to get these out will, with any luck, be the end of the month but my hope is to alternate post them.

I have just crossed another impressive milestone that I am immensely proud of, my watcher count has just hit 17k and to celebrate I will be doing a few things in March for this, it might change a bit but for now I am planning it to be in March. The biggest thing will be a Vote your own adventure which will run over the course of a few days, it will be an entirely free story and release on a fairly quick turnaround, maybe a chapter a week, maybe every few days, I’m not quite sure as to yet.

I’ve done a few collabs recently and I’ve got at least one more scheduled in for definite, there are some more on the back burner that I just need to pick up a message with. Some good and fun ideas in there.

Short Story collection coming soon to Amazon. I’ve got a good chunk of shorter stories 1-5k in length and I am looking to get them into a sort of collection of sorts, I still have a few things I want to put in there but you should see that coming soon too, also looking to go back to Epidemic and finish the next one or two before I do a book collection of those. These are for you guys to obviously get should you want, they would be available as a single download for the first time in some cases and it would make a cool big book on my new bookshelf.

The Neighbourhood, this hasn’t come out as quick as I would like, I hit my first goal of getting a 0.1 and whilst it is a fun concept there is more there to do, time is always and has always been the issue. Coding is fine but renders, getting them queued up, right and happy with them. Frustrating process for sure but that has been the biggest thing holding me back. I will return to it this year and I want to write it down into reality now, I will complete 0.2, 0.3 and 0.4 before the end of the year.

I think that covers all the content pieces I wanted to discuss.

Secondly, page updates; Gumroad has died, I have told you all before, but the page does remain active, this is purely for tips. All gumroad content is now on DA premium galleries / free posted.

Sales, I am going to start running some sales on Deviantart this week with regards to premium stories. I am always running sales on Amazon and free reads to please be sure to check there often, they are literally always on a cycle. Patreon now allows for sales, and I did some around Black Friday and Christmas, I will be running another sale soon, I have to wait for a cooldown period, this will be for hitting 17k watchers & the vote for your own adventure story.

I am always looking to do more to let people get my content in whatever way they want, and I will (time depending) look to open a Fansly, SubscribeStar Adult and Itchio page. The timeline is much longer than just a month but in the not-so-distant future you might see more links on my linktree.

Lastly, Real life stuff; I am open and transparent where I can be, I don’t want to shy away from telling you all something if it might impact you positively or negatively. This past month has been really good for me, some of you who message already know that I have had a big opportunity IRL that has meant a lot of my time has been taken in preparation for it and now that is all done I am back to writing much more. That is the crux of the reason for missing Friday’s post and being a bit behind on commissions, I didn’t think it would affect you and my content releases but alas I was mistaken so despite writing 800+ words here for an update post, this is only really now possible because IRL stuff is settling down.

Thank you everyone so much for reading this lengthy update and as always, thank you all so much for the support. Honestly it is crazy to say that I have 17k watchers, 11m views annually on DA, I sell books that have had hundreds of downloads and sales, and I have a vast amount of subscribers. This is just as dazzling as it was when I had my first 100 views or first sub or first book.

Thank you and for all my links, please click or tap here, it has all of my content and links to various friends I’ve made along the way.

-GD

P.s 1074 words.

[pinkpastels113]

do you read books? if yes, do you have any recs? hope ur having a good week !

yesss and mostly romance books lmfao so look out:

she gets the girl- rachel lippincott and alyson derrick

wlw young adult romance where one helps the other be less awkward and nervous in talking to their crush but ends up falling for her instead while "helping," gasp v cutesy and scandalous and adorably cliche no?!

the seven husbands of evelyn hugo- taylor jenkins reid

need i explain further??! it's a modern staple in the wlw community and i am still losing my mind over the plot twist at the end of book and how she was so in love with celia hhhhhhh and ive only read it once so far!! i think i consumed it in like the span of three or four days lmfao bc it was THAT good. i was HOOKTH. the scenes are starting to fade away in clarity in my mind tho (im a very visual reader as in, i visualize and picture scenes in my mind when i fully immerse myself in a book or fanfic) in contrast with the way the book is collecting dust in my bookshelf/nightstand rn AHHAHHA i will need to reread it again soon (and lose my psyche over it!! again!!)

scrappy little nobody- anna kendrick

reaffirmed my love for anna kendrick bc it was very entertaining, amusing, and revelatory for me to read a memoir that was entirely in her voice; it felt as if she was speaking directly to me, yknow?? she was hilarious in her choice of wording and stories and i didn't even realize that i had finished the book until it was the last page <33 she is one of those actresses that actually make you feel like you are on the same earth as them bc they are human too (unlike taylor for me sometimes adfshjhk)

heartless- marissa meyer

slowly making my way through this book rn (amidst work, writing, reading fanfic, being addicted to tumblr, playing wild rift, etc etc) and so far so good! a spin on how the queen of hearts of wonderland came to be (and yes i bought the book after watching descendants ror lolololol bc i became SUPER obsessed with the qoh and her daughter in that universe <33); how she was supposed to marry the king but wasnt really interested in him bc she just wanted an ordinary life aspiring to be a baker and how she secretly fell in love with someone else instead gasp!! forbidden affairs who??! gregory maguire, the author of wicked, had good things to say ab it too so im confident in my rec!

percy jackson and the olympians series- rick riordan

no words needed; one of the first fandoms i got into and still obsessed with percabeth to this day!! i aspire to find my own annabeth chase one day <33

the divergent triology- veronica roth

even tho i spoiled myself with the ending of allegiant this young adult book series CHANGED MY BRAIN CHEMISTRY IN MIDDLE SCHOOL I TELL YOU. CHANGED. ALTERED. COMPLETELY DISMANTLED AND RECONFIGURED IT. highly recommend (the movies dont do it justice smh)

after the kiss- lauren layne

ummm so yea im embarrassed to say that i bought the ENTIRE series on kindle as well as the spinoff bc like fuckk i became too engrossed with the characters, the relationships, and their world i fear, a couple years back, and i was lapping up every single morsel of interaction btw them when the author would write them in in other books in the franchise. ever heard of how to lose a guy in 10 days?? wellll this first book in the series is basically exactly like that movie but with the roles reversed, with the guy trying to shake the girl off and the girl desperately clinging onto the relationship bc of/for an article. just with.... smut ADFDJHGHJK (i remember literally trying to search for fanfiction for the franchise bc like how can there not adafhjk. and another thing ab the smut!! it's like... actually really well written?? very emotional and not super duper explicit while still being hot, iirc, at least compared to some of the other stuff that ive read sdfshjk. like there's actually feelings involved separately and bc of the boombayah yknow? i actually wish some of the smut that i come across in fanfic sometimes can incorporate that soft/romantic/angsty aspect too haha)

what else what else hmmm

i never got to finish the fault in our stars but that is a rec too, twilight (if only it's bc it's like a huge cultural phenomenon LOLLLL; from what i have read so far it's... decent?? if a bit cringey), sense and sensibility is decent so far as well; and i just got ahold of my copy of wicked and the wednesday novel soooo yall might (ie definitely will) hear from me regarding those soon tooooo

[kiestrokes]

goodsoop's couch and ramen recs: BTS

🗝️note: oh look, it's the list I started before manic deactivating back in march. rip to my og rec tag and all those lovely fics. Sadly, this is only new fics from my tbr and not my full collection 🥲 BUT this is for the fluff, slice of life and sfw readers! personally for the acespec babes who sometimes get icked out by smut.

SEOKJIN

my plus one by @btsgotjams27 🍜This is kicking the blankets, cuddled up on the couch, eating snacks with your girlfriends watching a new elite romcom worthy. I love this Jin so very much.

the one with seokjin, soju, and all the stars in the sky by @eoieopda 🍜 "Sojin has entered the chat," - when I tell you I screamed in laughter at this cuteness. You really nailed how a Sagittarius remembers the little things too.

YOONGI

the one with yoongi, netflix and zero chill by @eoieopda 🍜 “cum over?” - JADE 😂 omg, why is the embodiment of every casual relationship I have been in. The way that I felt every awkward and soft moment, deep in the crevice of my bones.

Just Between Us by @herecomesjoon 🍜 “I figured he would be safe with the bookshelf.” - Saturn nooo! You should have seen my look of alarm. We cannot trust Joon to build anything. The gathering of little moments in this is my favorite thing ever!

HOSEOK

And on the seventh day... by @moni-logues 🍜 it’s giving lazy Sundays, cuddled up with our own personal sunshine.

We'll Never Have Sex by @eoieopda 🍜 You were already melting into a puddle under that sunshine in his eyes - how this entire fic and your writing made me feel.

NAMJOON

Hungry (For Your Love) by @minisugakoobies 🍜The way that this gives me reversed Spike x Buffy roles, the setting immediately putting me in Sunnydale and with Namjoon of all people 🫠

just like riding a bike by @effortandmore 🍜 Listen...this is like walking through an OST music video, so colorful and whimsical.

JIMIN

pork belly by @yoongiphoria 🍜I love love love this, it's so realistic and Jimin's personality traits were captured beautifully. Have thought about this many times while I was away.

adonis by @xjoonchildx 🍜 if you love Ana’s provocative humor this is a must read, obviously I came for Jimin but I stayed for Mrs. Yun.

TAEHYUNG

Swoon by @minisugakoobies 🍜I'm pretty sure I blacked out after that description of THE Park Jimin dressed as Harley Quinn, and my jaw on the desk at Tony Stark JJK. Please this is every army x comic nerds wet dream.

Maybe by @leviackermanscleaningbuddy 🍜 Elite F2L, unrealized mutual pining and a little angsty, just how I like it.

JUNGKOOK

T-Shirt by @still-with-koo

🍜 “You trying to make me throw up or something?” - LO I laughed so hard at this that my eyes hurt from them crinkling. Oh, I adore this couple and their witty teasing.

[tf2-oneshots]

may i request a freedom fries fic where solly giving spy random hug attacks and spy pretending to be annoyed by them but secretly loves them because he’s touched starved? ty in advance!

GOD YES

Warning: none!

Rating: General

“Commander Chomp, deploy yourself.” Soldier sets one of his raccoons onto the floor, and the snarling beast skitters away. He climbs up the furniture and leaps towards an unsuspecting Spy, who immediately screams.

The raccoon lands on her arm, crawling and climbing across his body as the man rises. Spy shakes and flails in an effort to toss the creature off of himself. He crawls down her back, over her head, and under his armpit with those devil claws.

With a powerful twist of the body, Chomp goes flying and lands on a bookshelf. He gives a disgruntled hiss before hurrying to a nearby nest. As she stares at the little monster, Soldier comes in from behind and hugs her. Bulky arms holding much too tight for comfort.

“MON D—Soldat, why was I viciously attacked by that thing?” He turns around, glaring at the American whose arms rest around her waist. Soldier simply looks up with his darling grin as if nothing was amiss. Even as the raccoon loudly hisses from the nest.

“A distraction so that I could ambush you with a hug! Oorah!” In his head, it was the perfect strategy. Send Commander Chomp in to get Spy’s attention then surprise her! What Soldier failed to realize was the fact that Spy would have to defend himself from a rabid animal. The foam dripping from the jaws enough to prove that she should absolutely not get bitten.

“Your little ambushes are obnoxious, juvenile, and utterly pointless in the grand scheme of simple PDA.” Soldier did not understand a single word that statement. He simply gives Spy another smile and kisses her lips.

“Hehehe. Silly Spy, PDA are the people who keep our great American food and drugs safe!” How desperately Spy wants to correct him for a number of reasons. Her balled fists still, and he simply huffs with disdain.

“Dearest, you know how much I hate surprise hugs.” And yet, Spy finds his hands cupping Soldier’s square jaw. His firm, all American features that make Spy fan herself most days. Still, she leans in for a kiss, arms embracing the man tenderly. Such a peculiar partner Spy has chosen for himself.

“And yet you are giving me a hug! The mission was a success! Medals for everyone!” Spy chuckles. Dear god, how could she have fallen for such a strange man? At least his hugs are warm, and his lips always in wait of a kiss.

“This is not a hug. It is a backstab.” Right as she aims the knife, Commander Chomp returns! He dives onto Spy, buried deep in her suit as she screams. The couple separate so that she can run frantically like an animal. Glasses and picture frames rattle as Spy slams his back against the wall.

Eventually, Spy removes her jacket and wraps it around Chomps. With the wriggling sack of raccoon in one hand, the other opens a window and tosses the animal outside. There, several of his companions sit in wait before returning to Soldier’s room through the vents.

“Soldier? My joyous light? I will kill you if one of your disgusting creatures touches me again.” Spy grimaces at her tattered jacket. She sighs, knowing how expensive it will be to replace. So much for seat warmers in his convertible. Maybe next year.

“You sound like you need a real, genuine American hug! Open your arms, maggot!” Arms outstretched, Soldier drags her in front of the fireplace. The two stand, Soldier happy to hug while Spy takes out a cigarette to smoke. What a strange man indeed. At least they missed the wine collection.

Gay people in my phone -H

[starlitangels]

Somewhere with an Aurora

A couple days ago I asked for Avior one-shot suggestions. This one came from @pinksparkl 1.5k words

—

“Ah crap,” I muttered, shoving the gear shift into Park. “This place used to be open a lot later than this.” I made a face, staring at the abandoned, dark coffee shop.

“Probably because it’s New Year’s Eve.” Avior’s face was still tense, partially screwed up like the emotions from that attack at the academy was still weighing on him. It probably was. He was keeping it in, but that many emotions—that much pain—he had to feel dangerously close to falling apart.

“Maybe. That’s kinda frustrating. I knew I should have checked the hours on Google Maps before we left the academy.”

“It’s alright,” he said.

“But you wanted to come here and get something warm to drink and be able to think through everything that just happened,” I protested.

“I know. But we’ll have plenty of time to come here later. Right now I don’t care where we go.”

I bit my lip. We’d been essentially living together for six months in Hell. I swallowed. “Want to come back to my place?” I offered.

Avior cocked his head to one side. “If you need some space I’ll understand, starlight. What we’ve just gone through—I can go back to Aria for the night. The Hellscape, this Inversion nonsense. It’s a lot and I don’t blame you if you’re feeling overwhelmed and exhausted.”

“I am. Both exhausted and overwhelmed. But I don’t want to be either of those things without you, Avior. I want you with me. Just your presence comforts me.” I reached across the center console of my little sedan and took his hand. “Come home with me?”

His gold gaze bored into me. “You’re sure?”

I tried to remember the state my apartment was in. Had I left anything embarrassing out when I left to head on whatever errand I’d been running? My memories had come back like I’d never lost them, and it felt like I’d last seen my apartment six months ago. Was that pair of underwear that had been draped over the radiator to dry after they missed getting placed in the dryer and ended up still damp? Had I put those away? Were there still papers all over my coffee table? Leftover from grading at the end of the semester?

“I’m sure,” I replied.

Avior knew me better than anyone. My lover. Our relationship literally forged in Hell. He would understand if my apartment was a mess.

“Okay.”

I nodded and pulled the gear shift back into gear. “My place it is then.”

—

Creak!

“I really need to oil that damn hinge,” I muttered as I shoved the front door open. “Sorry it’s not much. I don’t really entertain. I never have guests, actually.”

Avior glanced around. Tension was still coiled in his shoulders and back from the attack—that was centered on the far other side of the city now. “No. No, it’s nice. Homey.” He let go of my hand.

I fidgeted with my keyring, not meeting his eyes. “Let me get you something to drink. I don’t know about you, but months in Hell have left me pretty parched. Even if it wasn’t real. It must be worse for you.” I slipped to my kitchen, bustling around to find a two glasses for drinks. I put them under the fridge’s spout and filled them one by one before returning to the living room.

Avior was standing at my bookshelf, examining several of the knick-knacks I had sitting between two bookends. “What’re these?”

I couldn’t look him in the eye. “That’s, uh… that my amiibo collection,” I admitted.

“What’s an amiibo?”

“They’re little figurines that can interact with certain video games. I… I, uh… I only have ones from The Legend of Zelda because it’s my favorite Nintendo series. I’ve been playing Zelda games since I was a kid and the first couple amiibo were gifts but after that I just started kinda collecting and… what? Why are you looking at me like that?”

Avior shrugged and shook his head, grinning slightly. “It’s nothing. Just… your eyes lit up, even as your emotions also tasted embarrassed.” He set the Wolf Link and Midna amiibo back down on the shelf. “You never told me which video games you enjoyed, although I do remember you mentioning you liked to play video games if you ever had enough downtime to do so.”

“Which is rare these days,” I remarked. “But I’ll dink around in Breath of the Wild for a couple hours on a Sunday night when I don’t have any assignments to grade. Sometimes my students ask why I assign less homework than the other professors—like they can’t fathom that I don’t want to grade as much homework as the rest of my colleagues assign.”

Avior snickered. “Amateurs—asking for more homework.”

I laughed. “Well, not exactly. But for any other professor questions like that could lead to more homework. Not for me. I love teaching—I just hate grading. I especially hate busywork. So I don’t bother. And that leaves more time for me to spend doing things I actually enjoy.”

Avior lifted a brow, suppressing a smile. I chose not to press for what was humoring him. I had a guess anyway.

When I didn’t take the bait, he cleared his throat. “Anything else I don’t know about you after living with you for six months?”

I glanced around my apartment. “Well… I collect comic books. Not even particularly valuable ones. I don’t do much with them. People just give them to me because I’m a nerd and I keep them. Because I’m a nerd.”

“Do you read them?”

“I would—but they’re all random issues in the middle of random storylines and none of them make any sense out-of-context.”

Avior chuckled. “Fair enough.”

“What about you? Anything I don’t know about you, living in Hell with you for six months?”

Avior drew me closer to him, resting his chin on my head. “I want to see an aurora one day,” he said. “I could have rifted somewhere with one whenever I wanted in the past thirty-six—thirty-four—years… but I never did. I always wanted to share it with someone who meant something real to me. And… no one ever did. I never figured I’d fall in love but… even a good friend. And I… never had one.”

I smiled. “We’ll do it, then. We’ll go somewhere with an aurora. Probably Alaska. It’s closest.” I reached and cradled his face in both hands. “I’d love to see the lights with you.”

He turned his head and kissed my palm, holding my wrist in his hand. “I’d love to see the lights with you too, my starlight.” He smiled softly. “Though, I fear they will pale in comparison to you.”

I looked away, ears turning hot. “Stop it,” I mumbled.

He hooked a finger under my chin and drew my head back to face him. “Never. I mean it. You are incredible. And I consider myself so lucky to have fallen for you as deeply as I have.”

This was the Avior I remembered. Not the dry, acerbic, sarcastic bastard who welcomed me to Hell after I lost my memories. The sincerity, the gentleness, and the depth of emotion was back in full-force—and I couldn’t have been more grateful. We had each other back after we both lost one another in different ways.

“I love you, Avior,” I whispered.

“I love you too, my starlight.” He leaned close.

We shared a long, slow, tender kiss. Unhurried. Easy.

I remembered desperate kisses in Hell, scrambling to remove clothing like we wouldn’t live to share more affection. I couldn’t be more delighted that urgent feeling was gone.

He pulled back just slightly, both of our eyelids fluttering open to meet each other’s gaze.

“Something else you might not know about me,” he said quietly. “You’re the first person I ever slept with—both literally and euphemistically.”

I choked on trying to suppress a laugh. “Really?”

“Truly.”

“Thirty-four years since you coalesced and you never—”

“Like I said, I never knew anyone well enough to want to try anything like that. And demons obviously have no physical form in Aria so anything that intimate is purely emotional. And I never had that either.”

“Given how smoothly you charm me, I find that a bit hard to believe.”

He kissed me again. “It just came naturally with you.”

I kissed him back.

We stood in my living room, kissing in front of my bookshelf, for quite a while.

Until Avior pulled away again. “So. My people’s ancient gods exist and have a mission for us to save the world. Where do you reckon we’re supposed to start?”

[the---hermit]

jumbo reading challenge update #3

This post has been sitting in my drafts for months. I have procrastinated posting this update for so long. I still have no plans for the rest of the challenge and I am trying to fit in the books I am reading randomly, so I have no idea if I will complete the challenge by the end of the year. I surely didn't expect to be 75% done with it in the first half of the year. Here are the links to my first and second updates on this challenge.

The Priory Of The Orange Tree by Samantha Shannon for the high fantasy prompt:

I don't know where I got the courage to approach a 800 page book, but I am surely happy I did. This is one of the best books I read this year. Challenging my fear of big books is teaching me how immersive they can be, and how special the reading experience becomes. This fantasy book in particular is very well made, I would even recommend it to people who don't read a lot of epic fantasy. I cannot wait for the sequel to be translated so that I can get it (I know I could get it anyway but I want matching editions).

Anansi Boys by Neil Gaiman for the main character of color prompt:

This was the last unread book in my Gaiman bookshelf (which means I have to look for the books my collection is still missing). For some reason I procrastinated reading this book for years. I am happy I finally picked it up, but it was definitely not my favourite novel by this author. I was expecting something along the lines of American Gods, which is not the case. It's an entertaining novel, but I prefer darker fantasy.

Daisy Darker by Alice Feeney for the horror or thriller prompt:

I listened to the audiobook for this novel, which was made pretty well. It's a story inspired by And Then There Were None by Agatha Christie, which is one of my all time favourite novels. I was a bit scheptical at first, but it wasn't as bad as I feared. After reading it I was a bit confused over my feeling for this novel, especially for the big twist at the end. It's now been a while and I can say that although the audiobook was very entertaining and well paced, I am not a big fan of the ending. I see what the author was trying to do, and I am prersonally not a fan. But it wasn't that bad.

Jurassic Park by Michael Crichton for the minimalistic cover prompt:

This book was surprisingly fun. While reading it I was a bit frustrated with a couple of things that felt very stupid, but to be honest after finishing it it made sense. It's one of those lighthearted adventurous books that needed a couple of silly things to work and it's fine. As I said it was really fun. I feel like it would be a great pick for a summer read, so much so that I am considering reading the sequel this summer.

Through The Woods by Emily Carroll for the clever cover prompt:

This was a rererad for me. I got this book last year and loved it, and since in the past month or so I have been in a big graphic novel rereading mood this felt perfect. I picked it for this prompt because the longer you look at the cover the more you notice some hidden detail. The art in this book is amazing, and it's overall one of my favourite graphic novels I own, it's the perfect gothic horror with fairytale vibes, I couldn't ask for more.

Gender Queer by Maia Kobabe for the non-binary author:

I am so happy to have this in my graphic novel collection. It's a very special addition, it was very insightful and emotional, and I know for a fact that I will be rereading this book more than once. I very much recommend picking this up. I felt like it did a great job at giving an idea of what it's like to question your sexuality and gender, how complicated and scary it can be, but also how joyful it is.

She Who Became The Sun by Shelley Parker Chan for the pun in the title prompt:

When I realized there was a pun in this book title my brain expoded. It's genious. The story of a girl who takes the identity of her brother to claim his destiny, becoming "the son", I loved it. I loved all characters. There's a light fantasy element that I hope will see more of in the sequel. Overall it's a very well done and engaging historical fantasy, and the gender in this is amazing. There's very interesting parallels, really strong characters that completment each other, it was a great read that I will be recommending a lot.

The House In The Cerulean Sea by T.J. Klune for the water in the title prompt:

This book has been often described as part of the cozy fantasy genre, and honestly it's a great way to describe it. I really enjoyed my time with this book, it was the perfect lighthearted read I needed.

The individual book reviews are linked in the titles above as usual.

[artofjim]

5 Years of Drawing: Part 1

Originally posted on ko-fi.com/artofjim

July marks 5 years since I started learning art and drawing every day.  As they say, time flies when you're having fun, and time has really flown!   I want to use this blog post to reflect on some things I've learned, look at some old work and compare it to current, and emphasize my gratitude for all of the support I've received in the last half decade.  This is a long one so I'm breaking it into 3, but it should give you a ton of insight into my journey as an artist that brought me here today, and hopefully help you carve out your own path!

Before July of 2018, I would occasionally get it in my head that I wanted to draw.  This would be prompted by seeing some cool art online, or needing a way to pass the time on trips.  I'd spend money on new sketchbooks and tools, and doodle for a weekend in them.  That would be that, and my sketchbooks would sit until the next time I felt like drawing again, which was no more than a few times a year.  I had a little natural talent at copying proportion and detail, but there was no methodology to my picturemaking and I relied heavily on replicating others' art.  Because of the inconsistent schedule and lack of interest in learning,  I usually say I started drawing after all of that.  Here's some sketches from before 2018.

This is a direct rip of Nate Van Dyke, with a couple additions of my own. 2014?  I learned about ink and decided that was the only medium I wanted to work in.

Around the same time. Every artist has been here at some point, I think. I found some photo portraits of homeless people on pinterest probably and took it upon myself to draw them. Lots to unpack there but we should move on (please we must move on oh God). Again, I wasn't trying to learn, I was just copying photos and other art with no rhyme or reason to it, and very rarely.  I just loved that kick when people would look at it and say it was good.

2018

In 2018 I was working in Tacoma and there was a great little book store called Culpepper's across the street.  Jerry Culpepper had ran that store for decades, and had no great love for comics.  As a result, anytime he got graphic novels in, he'd hide them in an unorganized shelf and price them way, way down.  This was also true of artbooks, but I wasn't interested in those (yet). Jerry and I had an amicable relationship, with him busting my chops about the coffee shop I worked at being too expensive, and myself ironically bringing him free drip on my breaks.  I remember him going into great detail explaining how "Black Panther was absolute shit! Waste of my time seeing that film!"  I probably went in there once a week and dug around, spending tip money on anything that looked interesting while Jerry peered down at the titles with a furrowed brow.  My love for comics started at this time, and some of the first graphic novels I bought were from Jerry Culpepper. The League of Extraordinary Gentleman and A Small Killing, both written by Alan Moore, and drawn by Kevin O'Neill and Oscar Zarate, respectively (a great place to start, if you ask me!).

Still have them!  Jerry always priced books with pencil on the first page.  He'd usually charge me at least 30% less than this, and shave off sales-tax if  I paid cash.

I bought so many comics and bothered Jerry so often that he started giving me stuff for free (again, he had no interest for comics and was intent on filling his store with civil war history and first edition antiques). I'd pay $20 and walk out of there with an armful of graphic novels, video game concept art, Japanese editions of collected Ukiyo-E plates, published artist sketchbooks, and all sorts of odd things I wouldn't normally look for. That's the beauty of local used book stores, you cannot predict what's waiting in there for you.   Those early Culpepper finds were, and still are, very influential to me. I dig through my bookshelf for them regularly.  I think it's very important for creatives to have a personal, physical collection of things that inspire and interest them, because they will bury into your style way more than temporary online influences.

"Culpepper Books: here you'll find a man struggling to get the hell home with as much money and few books as possible before he retires" -Jerry, during his last week of business when I asked him for a caption

In late-2019, Jerry Culpepper got an offer to end his lease early from a big developer and decided to retire right as the pandemic started to hit, which was definitely the right decision for him.  While writing this, I searched his name to see if I could find his online collection, and learned that he passed away in 2022 at the age of 70.  Here is his obituary if you'd like to learn more about my old friend at the bookstore who impacted my life more than I could have realized at the time. https://www.legacy.com/us/obituaries/tribnet/name/gerald-culpepper-obituary?id=32332566

My last purchase from Jerry

Now that I was reading comics a lot, I became hip to Jim Lee, comic art superstar of the early 90s known for his work on X-Men, Punisher: War Journal, and countless other titles soon after.  Jim Lee streams on Twitch, and one day in July I popped in to watch purely out of curiosity and ended up following along with his live tutorial drawing Wolverine. There's a recording of this tutorial here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7wxoH_eZgrw I had never had drawing explained to me in the analogous way that Jim Lee did.  Much of the concepts he was demonstrating are very fundamental no-brainers to me nowadays, but back then, despite drawing off and on my whole life, I had never been exposed to them.  I specifically remember him relating the teeth to a can of soup, and the triceps muscles to parallel canoes.  This was mind blowing to me, and sparked an obsession that is still roaring to this day. Here's my results from drawing along with Jim Lee that day.

A little heavyhanded on the spot blacks there, Jimbo...

Even though the idea of using simple forms like soup cans and canoes had been demonstrated so brilliantly by Jim Lee, I immediately went back to my old ways of rote copying.  Only now, I was doing it for a few hours a day.  I also started streaming art on Twitch during this time, and I'm amazed anyone watched because I was completely directionless.I was reading a lot of Frank Miller and the interest in ink was renewed, and I would just copy things straight out of comics, line-by-line.  I didn't have the tools or direction to study in a more meaningful way, so I just copied and copied and copied, with no real improvement besides hand-eye coordination, and my ability to copy from image to paper.Jim Lee had also mentioned Bridgman, and I found a copy of his big book at Culpepper's and copied a few pages (poorly) before giving up. 

Notes?? Why would I write down anything from the book?  This is drawing!!  Sarcasm aside, this was the extent of it.  Whatever concepts I pulled from it, I didn't cement with mileage so it was all for not.  Granted, Bridgman is not beginner friendly at all.

I also took part in Inktober for the first time in 2018, and actually attempted concept creation.  I knew I was bad at drawing heads, so I decided I would twist every prompt into a helmet of some kind.  Strange method.  You can view the completed pieces here, if you really want to: https://www.instagram.com/p/BokqcKngdlz/

2019

In 2019, I began to become invested in history, and really enjoyed drawing historical garb.  Japan especially grabbed my interest, and I bought tons of books about it from Jerry.  I'm surprised I didn't try to copy more Japanese  art, especially Hokusai's ink sketches.  I was filling sketchbooks regularly by now, still just copying for the most part, and getting a little better at it!  When I look back at those sketchbooks now, there's a  common "Jim" thread present even if I wasn't being very original.  I want to point out that I don't think there's anything wrong with copying references, ever, but especially as a beginner artist.  The way I was doing it, though, was from a limited perspective: drawing straight to final linework and not considering anything but the 2-d image.  I wish I had pursued fundamentals more, and varied my tools, but I just didn't have exposure to those things.  I was still wielding a brush pen like a club on every drawing, and using expensive markers that bled through the page.

I learned about Karl Kopinski, and some of the other star artists from Super Ani, and didn't know about all of the mileage and proper practice between where I was and where they were, so I tried to just do what they were doing. Of course, KK appealed to my interest in historical costume, and I copied a bunch of his drawings in my sketchbooks. I also dug into Sergio Toppi, attracted to his painterly hatching and masterful ink compositions, and learned about Moebius. I picked up a Final Fantasy 1-7 artbook for $10 (thanks Jerry) with tons of drawings by Yoshitaka Amano in it, and tried to match his watercolors with my bleeding Copic markers. Because there was no method to my drawings beyond copying mark-by-mark, there was an element of luck involved that decided the success of each drawing. The artmaking journey, then, was just chasing that next lucky winner drawing, which is not sustainable long term! Sure, I might get lucky more often as I copied more accurately, but I wouldn't know why, and I had no lens to understand what made an image work.

Toppi copy

One of the lucky drawings

Kopinski copy

Amano copies.  Notice the difference in quality between the Toppi samurai above and these; this is the element of luck I'm referring to.  There was no repeatable process, just diving into the final lines and gambling on it.

Beyond that, I wanted to create, not replicate.  I would watch Karl Kopinski, Kim Jung Gi, and Peter Han create worlds on the spot, with no reference, and have no idea how to accomplish that.  I figured it was my poor visualization ability holding me back.  All I thought mattered was drawing a lot, and drawing a variety of things.  I would stream on Twitch and take requests to draw anything anyone wanted for ten minutes.  I drew 20 different outfits from the Camp-themed Met Gala.  I drew video game characters, Power Rangers, cartoons, and Kermit the Frog smoking a blunt.  Occasionally, I'd try to draw people and places from life. 

My first ever POV sketch

I knew that clothing was something academics studied,  so I "studied" some drapery as well! All that meant for me was copying, line by line, a few reference photos.  I downloaded Autodesk Sketchbook, a free drawing program, and tried my hand at digital art.   If I wasn't just attempting photocopying, I did try my hand at some imaginative work, with a degree of realistic rendering. Here's those paintings, just so we can compare to my current paintings later.

I would paint over Bill Sienkewicz sketches, this is one of those

This funny little fellow is a Japanese God, Fukurokuju. The drapery is looking especially mushy.

In mid-2019, I decided I would challenge myself to making a comic for Inktober.  I was very naive, but still took a lot of time planning for it before October started.  I scripted out the pages, did some character "designs," and even  worked on turnarounds.  My thought was that if I took the time to figure out what a character would look like from any angle, I could just use that as reference when I needed it.  This is true, and how animators do it,  but I created this sheet by smashing together references and finding an image for every expression and angle I could need.  I also sculpted the main character's head so I could use it as reference.  I had not rediscovered the power of "form" yet, despite Jim Lee's great tutorial that started all of this, and the literal sculpted 3d form sitting on my desk.

Here's a few pages of my Inktober comic, Dog Days.  I made it 13 pages in and burned out super hard, since I was working full-time still and spending at least 8 hours a day on the pages.  The cyst on my wrist got massive and I was not sleeping at all.  I took a break for a few days to go on a trip and just never came back to it.  Surprisingly, I haven't ever experienced a burnout since then.

If you're interested in checking out the other 11 pages, they're available to Ko-Fi Members for $4.50/month, along with my other comics.

For my first comic, I am extremely proud of that work.  There's a sort of energy that is now inhibited by experience and judgment.  I was fearless and committed to every page, because I had no idea how long it would take me or what challenges I might face.  I  don't think I will or should ever finish it, because I cannot replicate that vibe.

I returned to drawing a few weeks after the burnout and dove back into Japanese historical drawings, becoming obsessed with the photos of Felice Beato, who brought photography to Japan right as it modernized.  Some coworkers of mine were my first ever commissioners, asking for some work relevant to what I was already studying.  The first was a family portrait taken in the early 1900s.  The second was a 6 panel piece on the history of Taiko drumming.  I think they spent more on the frame then what I charged them for the piece, which is hilarious to me now.   I also experimented with some blacklight ink and collage, which was a nice change from all the inking I did in October. 

I did these on expensive Awagami rice paper with ultra-archival Noodler's fountain pen ink.  I was fooling myself into thinking that expensive materials were necessary for any sort of "professional" work, and that they would elevate it.  In the end, it just made the process nerve-wracking and left no margin for error.

I will continue with years 2020 and 2021 in my next post to keep this one from getting any longer!  Follow my Ko-Fi to get  notified via email when that comes out, or tune into my social media: https://linktr.ee/artofjim

If you'd like to support my art career and get some goodies in return, become a Ko-Fi Member in exchange for art in the mail every 6 months, monthly giveaways, access to my comics, discounts in my shop, and more.  Starts at $4.50/month, goes up for better rewards. https://ko-fi.com/artofjim/tiers  Thank you to all of my members, past and current, for enabling me to pursue my greatest interest in life more comfortably. 

[thebookdragonsden]

We have upwards of approximately 3500 physical books crossing a wide variety of genres and formats so it mostly comes down to two factors:

1) how easy will it be to find a specific book... which rules any rainbow designs right out because I don't generally remember color of the spine on a book

2) what will best utilize space because I need to also be able to exist in said space, I move a lot, and I can't always afford a nice big house to put bookshelves galore in so I have 13 shelves. How can I make it all fit while also maintaining 1)

So aside from rainbow (pretty but useless for anything but aesthetics and omg the amount of work) we dash a little bit of everything in there.

Shelf 1: my tiny collection of translated Chinese novels because they don't really fit anywhere else and I bought a new shelf for it. It's small.

Shelf 2: all my wife's psychology books on top shelf, all the mythology and mythology retellings on 2nd shelf (wife's request and I hate this shelf with a burning passion because if didn't know it was a retelling I'm looking for it elsewhere), adult fantasy trade paperbacks (bigger than mass market and we have a lot fewer of them), non fiction, historical fiction, and mystery

Tldr this shelf is kind of a dumping ground shield for things we don't have enough of to fill a full bookshelf but also have too many of to put on one of the tall, narrow shelves

Shelf 3. Mass market adult sci-fi fantasy paperbacks

Shelf 4. Overflow for huge YA fantasy, paperback adult fantasy that is the same size as smaller hard cover fantasy (these are bigger than trades too... yes I know why God are there so many book sizes)

Shelf 5. Graphic novels

Shelf 6 and 7. Manga

Shelf 8 and 9. YA fantasy novels, all smaller sizes and couple of the huge ones that bleed over to shelf 4

Shelf 10. (Tall and narrow) artbooks, poetry, shelves dedicated to fav authors (Lynn Flewelling, Marissa Meyer, Terry Pratchett)

Shelf 11. (Tall and narrow) more shelves dedicated to fav authors or just authors we've a lot of books for- Mercedes Lackey, Patrick Ness, Neil Gaiman, Susanna Kearney, and biographies

Shelf 12. Huge adult Sci fi/fantasy hard covers

Shelf 13. A big shelf but with small broken up squares dedicated to... YA contemporary, Maggie Stiefvater, Leigh Bardugo, Holly Black, Tamora Pierce, historical fiction, and finally two long shelves of language learning books

For the genre shelves, they're arranged by author

Graphic novel shelf is arranged by some bizarre algorithm of my wife's and I just end up hunting through it all before I find what I'm looking for.

Manga is.... well.... one shelf is series I've completed, other shelf is series in still collecting, and both of those are organized by title except... the bookshelves have cool gliding front shelves so I can essentially double stack the manga and still have easy visibility on it all so the face shelf of completed manga is all of the larger manga volumes (perfectly sized) and the face shelf of the incomplete manga is all CLAMP... because I own pretty much every volume of everything CLAMP that has ever been released in English except X/1999 because I'm still salty CLAMP never completed it. And Suki, which I did own once upon a time but might be the only CLAMP project I actively disliked.

All of this is not including the random stacks of books pulled on top of the shelves or around the shelves that my wife swears she is reading and getting rid of but I genuinely have no idea what is.

For the record, not mad about the last bit. Being surrounded by books is my happy place whether I read them or not.

Anyway tldr I am probably not your intended audience for this and I hope you get/got an answer you were happy with but I find perverse amusement in sharing the utter lack of cohesive vision that is our library set up.

This is very important research so I can figure out how to arrange my books

[mostlynotwork]

Sports psychology for MTG? Will Jonathon's 'Mental Mana' has something to offer for those looking to improve in any field of endeavour, not just Magic. But it comes with some important caveats.

'Mental Mana' is another book that's been on my shelf for a while. Or more accurately, it's been on Menow Jnr's bookshelf. I bought it for him a few years ago when he was getting into Magic and also trying to improve at his sports. After it spent a couple of years collecting dust on his bookshelf, I eventually took it back.

The book is written by sports coach^ (^ we'll come back to this later) who applies the techniques used for helping athletes with their mental preparation, to the game of Magic. It's a great concept for a book, as Magic: The Gathering (MTG) is a game that is primarily about mental strength.

'Mental Mana' offers strategies to be better prepared for gameday

I found this book a good source of ideas for how to better prepare for playing MTG. As a casual player, I'm at the opposite end of the spectrum to the sort of people the book is aiming to reach. But as a someone who'd like to improve their Friday night game, this book has prompted me to be more organised in the way I approach game night.

The book brings together a lot of common sense suggestions that could be applied to other endeavours - sports (as the author originally started with), but also other hobbies or to some extent, even work. Ideas like: being process driven rather than goal/outcome driven, the importance of maintaining a positive mindset when approaching a challenge, the importance of intrinsic motivation, and how to avoid burnout.

The strength of the book isn't necessarily new research or ideas, but in bringing together a range of ways to improve what you do in a single place and with MTG laid out as an example.

But this is a book with limitations and controversy

Overall I enjoyed the book. But it does have its limitations. The production quality of the book is let down by typos and grammatical errors. Certain sections also feel like they were padded out, or could have been edited more tightly. The book is therefore made worse in some places by long winded examples, where a simple bit of storytelling might have sufficed. The book is also light on referencing and links to other sources, which feeds into the next challenge with the book - the controversy.

^ The controversy

A couple of years after its publication, this book generated controversy after a Twitter/X user raised concerns the author was passing themselves off as a sports psychologist without actually being qualified in the field.

You can read the lengthy thread and details of the accusations on twitter/X.

In the blurb to 'Mental Mana', the author describes themself as a "Sports Mental Coach". This isn't a qualification, but arguably is a claim about expertise. The allegations about Jonathan's lack of academic qualifications would help explain the limited referencing in what appears to be a self published book. And it may explain why the book was self-published rather than being handled by a professional publisher. One assumes a publisher would prefer the author to have verified, or at least marketable, credentials. The author of 'Mental Mana' also appears to have kept a very low profile since the controversy.

Summing up: A useful book but one that must be read with the caveats in mind

The controversy (if substantiated) would help explain a number of the limitations of the book.

Yet many of the tips it offers could still be helpful, and there's value in bringing 'level zero' ideas together and showing how they apply to MTG.

But the book has issues and anyone reading it, and planning to apply the suggestions in it, should go in with their eyes wide open.

Personally, I'm taking a range of the tips and combining them with lessons from the various other books I've read over the last few years. From that I'm hoping to make improvements to my game.

So this is still a book I'd recommend, but with the important caveat it should be seen as a book of coaching tips based on the authors experience, rather than something backed by academic expertise.

[glasschain]

God Bless You, Mr.V.

As a young teenager terrified by the prospect of having to grow up, loving Kurt Vonnegut came to me very easily.

Seeking emancipation and identity in the movies I watched, the music I listened to and the books I read were to me more than the sum of their contents. I was seeking to establish my own taste and personality to counter the fears caused by the teen discomfort I was experiencing daily. I discovered Slaughterhouse 5 in my parent’s bookshelf, a brightly coloured paperback my mom had bought during her time at university. The graphic on the cover, the promise of historical war-related content in the blurb, and of course the low amount of pages made it an attractive pick.

I was into it straight away - the satirical style, the historical motifs, the quirky narrative structure. (I often tried imitating Vonneguts writing style, failing every time.) The book was easy to read, stylistically and thematically captivating. With allusions to a kind of systemic and existential critique, it felt heavy and profound. It was so much less stuffy and taxing to read than the Dickens or Kafka my brother and school had pushed on me, but still felt significant and special. I continued with Breakfast of Champions and Hocus Pocus, both also part of my mother’s uni-era collection. I talked often of my affection for Kurt, to anyone I thought would be willing to listen. Cat’s Cradle may have been a bit too zany for me, but the fantastic Mother Night restored my faith. Puns based on the silly names of Vonnegut’s recurring characters serve as display names for various online accounts, “so it goes” was my graduation yearbook quote.

In the years following my graduation (which was, unfortunately, in 2020) my outlook on books - among other things - have changed. I don’t want to call myself mature, but the past years have been so rife with formative experiences (sometimes good, often bad) that my perspective has shifted. More cynical, maybe. I want to say less naive, but I fear risking making myself shake my head in case I read this back in a couple of years. I’m honestly not sure where I stand on my own maturity, which probably says more than enough. Anyway, the point is, when I picked up the copy of “God Bless You, Mr. Rosewater”, Vonnegut’s 1965 novel, I was not entirely sure what to expect.

Having not read anything by the author in years, I was not sure how I was going to feel about the book. Upon reading it initially, I was somewhat irritated. The seemingly trite story line, the simplistic moralism and the ridiculous character names and aphorisms made me skeptical. I feared I might react the same way I reacted upon recently relistening to Donald Glover’s earlier music. (Those albums were important to me once, but are frankly pretty bad and uncomfortable to listen to.) I finished the book as quickly as one must finish any Vonnegut paperback, and did not really now how I felt about it. It all seemed overly trivial, slightly too ridiculous to develop a sense of urgency.

Luckily, after only a couple of days, that feeling changed. It really hit me suddenly and left me disoriented. Kurt had played a mean trick on me. The slight irritation considering the deliberate quirkiness of the writing passed, the characters, the emotions and the tragedy stuck. It was like a slow-motion gut punch. Vonnegut is an unbelievably empathetic writer, his portrayal of mental decay, depression and despair are deceivingly light hearted and silly. It’s death and destruction wrapped up in candy, it’s like No Surprises by Radiohead is musically akin to a simple children song, yet is arguably the most emotionally potent song on the album. I really love this type of shit. Humour and honesty, a kind of heartfelt absurdity, not a trace of cynicism or irony in sight, that bitterness was all on me. Vonnegut put me back in my place. I did not want to accept the jovial tone he takes, it seemed he wasn’t taking the subject matter serious enough. I was wrong! I was really wrong! KV writes about existential themes, but he leaves out both the somber tone and the cynical sneer I have grown accustomed to. I know this is not really a review, for that I would actually have to write about the book. I just wanted to express some of the things I felt when thinking about this book and the role Vonnegut has played in my life. I’m really happy his name is so prominent on the spines in my shelf. I am sure it will stay that way in the future.

[godesssiri]

I've got guests staying between Christmas and New Years and I've made myself a 7 page (and growing) To Do list. I know this sounds awful but probably 3/4 of the items on it are things like Scratch ticket (move the scratch ticket with $5 on it that's been sitting on my coffee table for 3 weeks into my handbag so I will actually have it with me next time I see a kiosk where I can cash it in) and Xmas tea-towels (take the Xmas tea-towels out of the linen cupboard and put them in the kitchen so we can actually use them during Xmas) and Flea the creatures (give all of our 6 cats and 3 dogs a flea treatment, I've put the treatments on the hall table and I'm grabbing one each time I see a pet I haven't crossed off my list yet) and Find a home for 'new' books (I collect antique books and I went to a fantastic second hand bookstore last week and acquired 5 new books for my collection that are still in my mother's car and need to be bought in and displayed on my bookshelf).

It's all little stuff but because of my ADHD it's stuff that I think "I must do that" then don't do it, because ADHD means forgetting to do something 500 times until you hate yourself. But writing it down means I remember and I get the satisfaction of crossing it off my list. Plus I've broken down all the big tasks I need to accomplish into their component parts to remind myself I don't have to do the whole overwhelming job at once, I can do a couple of parts of it, cross those parts off my list, and come back to the rest of it later.

[hyenadon]

Sometimes I think "hmn, am I autistic or am I just fucking weird?" bc autism explains away a bunch of weird behaviors in my life. But also I just don't fit a lot of diagnostic criteria. In any case though I just remembered a couple cases of me being a Fucking Weird Kid

this is just a personal vent post idk

When I was a very young child (5-6, maybe 7) one of my favorite things to do was organize my family's book collection/library by my own personal like. Organization system. Which has been updated frequently to this day and I think about constantly. When I was v young it was just alphabetical by authors last name. Whatever subject it was, no matter, alphabetical by last name. I distinctly remember crying when family members would put things back on the bookshelf in the wrong place

Over the years this organization system HAS shifted into something more reasonable so when I was living w my parents again I reorganized their bookshelves (they have so many books. They have read 1/3 of them. I dream of that life) and my system was: Classics/books they will never read is top shelf alphabetical by last name. After that it's fiction alphabetical last name. Bottom shelves are reference books: one bookcase is cooking/food/wine, other one is home/garden/repair.

If I ever go home to my parents again I will immediately check those fucking bookcases bc they never put their books back where they goddamn belong. THERES A SYSTEM, GODDAMNIT

I have a very specific system I follow for my own personal library and it's not at all alphabetical by author but it's like. It's. There is a System. Okay. It's a system.

Another game I played was Dictionary. It was a game where I read the dictionary. I was very invested in this. I actually thought it was a fun game and not just me sitting in the corner reading the dictionary aloud to my parents. I loved the dictionary game. If I had a physical dictionary with me right now, I'd still love dictionary game. Maybe this is why I still sometimes read wikipedia articles to fall asleep? Mm, dictionary. My favorite of the A words was Abdicate.

not a childhood thing but when I started having friends that were openly autistic, about 6-7 years ago, I was open w my parents about it and described these friends struggles w communication, eye contact, etc, and my parents were like "...so that sounds a lot like you....do you think.......maybe....you might be autistic????"

oh brian oh sheila. I still have no idea if i am autistic but there is somethin fucked in my brain that shoulda been diagnosed when I was like, ten, at most. It's depression or adhd or autism or somethin the fuck else. But y'all. You missed out on your kid having some serious mental issues. The kind that cannot be fixed with a hug. The brain is broken the brain has been broken since I was a wee little lad.

this isn't a weird kid thing but just like something i'm still mad about after all these years:

When I was little I was hyperliterate. Not even a brag just a fact. I mean I can exemplify this in a few ways but like. I was definitelt hyperliterate. But I wasn't like. Smart smart? if ya know what I mean? Being good at reading and writing doesn't mean you're good at analytical thinking or math or science. But my mom thought that bc I was good at reading/writing I should be in the advanced program at my school. So I tested into the program multiple times and failed multiple times. I think I switched into the gifted program around 2nd grade?

And y'all? I was the worst student in that program. Consistently. I was awful at it. I cried in math class. I was constantly embarassed because everyone around me was smarter and better than me. I wanted to drop out of school, be homeschooled. I have had really bad self esteem issues bc of school since I was so so little.

And when I was like 17 I was going through my old report cards for like. research on a poem I was writing. And I found out I didn't even pass the test to get INTO giftie program. I never passed the test, my mom just called in a favor to someone who worked in admin at the school.

Wouldn't it have just been easier for like....everyone involved? to write up an IEP? I could have been very very happy if I struggled a normal amount in math science etc and just got shifted to another class for reading/writing. I think I would be in a better mental place if that happened, I think I would have learned earlier that like. I don't have to be good at everything.

anyway whatever I should have been asleep two hours ago. gonna make myself some toast and sleep