#I started to write this at like 6 am and it is now 8am and I havent slept

[afniel]

Okay, I sat at my desk thinking I'd write, but instead I'm so tired (distinct from being sleepy. I'm usually tired. I'm almost never sleepy) that sitting at my desk hurts and I can't focus worth shit.

I'm beginning to understand how I can write doorstop-size novel(s?) from my phone actually...horizontal is a great position in general.

[curious-zigzagoon]

I want to know you. Pt. 1

Simon Riley x gender neutral reader

I’m doing it guys I hope you enjoy.

Summary: you and Simon get to spend a lot of alone time together thanks to work. It doesn’t go quite how you were expecting.

Warnings: none

Your code name is Fennec (like the fox)

Uhh yeah here it is :) (also first part is short still testing the waters with this whole posting my writing thing) not perfect but please enjoy.<3

“You and ghost have been tasked with scoping out an area that has a high profile target residing in it. In your free time you and ghost will be staying at a small and old safe house. You will be there for approximately three weeks.” Price announced with a small grin on his face. He knows me and ghost aren’t necessarily the best of friends. “When are we leaving?” I asked. “Tomorrow 8am.”Price said, Ghost nodded. I looked at the time at the clock behind Price, it was 6:47 pm. “Okay well I better start packing.” I stood from my chair and excused myself from the room. Well isn’t this amazing. I was thinking on my way back to my room. Just fucking amazing.

And just like that we were on our way to somewhere in Mexico. I spent a lot of time in awkward silence both on the plane and during our first few hours at the safe house. It was great. The grump had barely said anything to me at all this whole time, which is what I expected. I don’t think he’s ever really liked me that much. At least it feels nothing like how he is with soap. But soap is well soap it’s pretty easy to get along with him.

I was making some dinner for me and Ghost, beef and rice with steamed broccoli. Very bland. I was just about to plate the food when I felt a looming presence behind me. The ghost is very quiet but I know he’s there. “Do you need something Ghost?” He’s been quite cold to me, I tried to be nice for a while but I can play this game if that’s what he wants. “You can call me Simon now.” I turned around. He’s corrected me every time I’ve called him Simon and he’s never called me anything other than fennec even in non-strictly work settings. So this is strange. “Where is this coming from?” He was very close to me, I was almost backed against the counter. “Can I be honest with you Y/n?” Y/n? “Yes?” He came closer and I placed my hands on the counter behind me. He was so large, his figure was intimidating and this unusual behavior made me nervous. “I want you, I have for a while now.” Want me? Seriously. “You’ve been so cold to me Ghost, what are you talking about?” He sighed. “I’m sorry for my behavior, I’ve been trying to keep my distance from you, I don’t think I’m the kind of person you’d want to have relations with. But for some reason I felt the need to tell you” “I think that’s something I can decide for myself, and how am I supposed to decide that if you won’t let me get to know you?” He stood silently for a moment, he looked to the floor then back to me. “I will let you get to know me, but only if you let me have you. I don’t trust people so easily but I want to be around you.” “Okay well, Ghost I will not give myself to someone I hardly know.” He looked disappointed, and I’m sure me calling him ghost after he gave me permission to call him Simon stung. “I understand.” I thought for a moment “But it will just be you and me here for the next three weeks, and if you let me get to know you in that time I will consider it.” His eyes lit up a bit. “Okay.” Maybe he’s worth knowing is all that came to mind. I'm unsure of how this will end, but I wanna know.

[sleepingdeath-light]

celebrating valentine’s day hcs ; vincent (18+)

requested by ; anonymous (23/02/23)

fandom(s) ; five nights at freddy’s

fandom masterlist(s) ; here

character(s) ; vincent / fanon purple guy / old fnaf purple guy

outline ; “I hope this isn’t too weird of a request but, I see you know FNAF fandom!

I’m am sure you probably know who Vincent is? Like the FNAF fandom’s purple guy? They have him his own personality and appearance and everything!

I was wondering if you knew of Vincent (which I guess you can cal him William afton since we now know that’s his name) and if so can I request headcanons of him and cis female reader for Valentine’s Day with a little bit of spicy at the end? It and be headcanon or whatever you want, really! I just don’t see many people writing for him nowadays.

(Also sorry people keep spamming you with same requests, it’s been happening with other writers here lately and I feel your pain 🥲)”

warning(s) ; a bit of spicy content — rated smutty as it references sex acts

note ; as vincent is his own distinct character to william i have separated them in my masterlist and this piece is focussing on vincent specifically

note 2 ; yes this is massively late and out of season, but hush!

valentine’s day started later in the day for the two of you — with vincent not getting home until well after 8am (working until 6 and then doing god knows what until 8)

you slept in until midday, slowly waking up in stages between 12 and 1 — alternating between muttering nonsense and doing lazy, half-asleep sexual stuff (sex, oral, etc.)

then once the two of you had come to terms with being awake — you first, vincent doesn’t wake easy — you resigned yourselves with getting up and went about your routine

brushing your teeth, having a quick shower (and shower sex followed by another actual shower because vincent can’t help himself), getting dressed in fresh pyjamas and going downstairs to make breakfast

you had the usual staples (all sorts of toast, pancakes, waffles, fruit and so on) — which you took care of as your boyfriend is a terrible cook — and you exchanged your cards whilst you ate

snorting over the terrible jokes vincent wrote in his, rolling your eyes at his endless innuendos and raising an eyebrow at the small smear of blood on the envelope — to which he shrugged dismissively, mentioning something about having to get it after his shift and a paper cut

he insisted on reading your card out loud, using dramatic gestures and silly voices to mock you as you hushed him — before he finished, took another sip of his hot coffee, pecked you on the lip and thanked you

then he washed up and you fetched the presents, which you opened in the living room with the news on in the background (at vincent’s suggestion, for some reason)

you tire open layer after layer of wrapping paper and cut upon wonky cardboard boxes until each of you got to your presents

for you, vincent got you a bottle of your favourite perfume, a bouquet of paper flowers and a small bear with embroidery related to an inside joke (it wasn’t a commission he just stumbled across it — he does not have the money for that)

and vincent, in return, received the new jacket he’d been eyeing up for months and a handmade collection of ‘vouchers’ for various things he enjoys in the bedroom (no expiration date, of course)

the two of you so caught up in your gifts and the celebration that you didn’t catch the way his smile widened when a report of a new missing child came up on the tv — nor did you hear the report itself

and as he’d taken the day off for once, the two of you got to spend the better part of the afternoon and evening together — spending it as couples do

cooking together (read: him pestering you and getting in the way whilst you cooked)

dancing clumsily when your favourite song came on the radio

making out and going further on every surface you could until you were too exhausted to continue

not stopping until both of you were overstimulated and groggy and then you finally drifted off to sleep

until you’d had each other every way you could manage (anal, oral, vaginal, boob jobs, thigh jobs/thigh riding, fingering, hand jobs, etc. etc.)

until all you could do is pant and whimper and gasp

until you were both content with a holiday well spent

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #216

I finally was able to start assembling the music box in Audacity. Behold:

...If you're thinking it looks complicated, that's because... it kind of is. I've been at it since like 8am. I woke up at 7:30am (despite going to bed at around 2:30am) and my body immediately wanted out of bed for the sake of doing this, despite my best efforts to go back to sleep to get a full 8 hours. Oh well.

In my LMMS file, aside from the replicated vocals, there are two main lines of notes. I have rendered the top line into LMMS. I still have yet to fully render the second. The second is more complicated than the first, but I have up to measure 56 out of 239 done and squared away. It's 6:09pm at the time of writing this sentence, so I'll probably have to stop and do other things soon. It's not done yet, so I really don't wanna transition to a new activity, and as a result, the inside of my brain looks like this:

...That's all right though. I deal with that feeling... kind of a lot. I'm pretty good at weathering it by now.

At around 5:30, J wanted to go to the library in order to return some books, and he wanted me to tag along, so I did. As much as I don't like breaks, I probably needed one. I'm like you in that when I have my brain set on doing something, I'll end up going until my brain is fried if I'm not careful. I can't afford to get fried; the first of August is coming, and I want this done by then. I took a couple pictures in the library; I thought the windows were beautiful, so I wanted to show them to you:

Hey, Sephiroth? Maybe someday in some impossible future, we can go to some library and we can borrow a copy of The Neverending Story, by Michael Ende. I can read it out loud to you, if you'd like that. I can even do voices for the characters, if you'd like.

In any case, J had apparently signed me up for library pen pals. I guess I have a letter of my own now to respond to. I'm a little nervous; the person I received a letter from is an adult woman with two children, and she is probably very normal, whereas I am... kinda not. And my world is not very forgiving of "abnormal" unless you plop yourself into the right circles, and I'm not sure if this lady belongs to those circles.

I'm scared, but I'm gonna write back anyways. Her letter is handwritten, but I think I'll type mine; if I try to write it, the best my dyspraxic ass can manage is chicken scratch letters, or so I've been told by the various adults in my life.

...I wonder if that's actually true. I wonder if my handwriting really is horrendous. Well, I suppose you can be the judge of that once you receive the locket I made for you; I left a tiny handwritten note inside. I hope you'll like it.

...If you receive the locket I made for you, that is. I received good news, but... it might still not work out. I suppose we'll have to see.

I'm going to try. I owe so much to you. I have to try.

You might be relieved to know that I was mindful of my hydration and of my hunger today. I've been heeding my water alarms. And I ate a breakfast and a lunch. And I'm going to eat a dinner soon, too.

I wanna keep going with the music box today, but if I don't manage myself properly, I'm not gonna be able to do anything tomorrow. So I think I'll stop for now, even though I don't really want to. I gotta eat something anyways.

Sephiroth... please stay safe out there. Please make kind, good, gentle, and loving choices. I love you. And I'll write to you again tomorrow.

Your friend, Lumine

[melodygatesauthor]

Weekly Update

07/30/2023

Announcements

- I’m writing an original fiction novel -

You read that right! I’m writing an original fiction called Lock & Key, and I’m taking all of you along my journey as I go through the process. I’m so excited to get started actually writing it soon (once I have a bit more of the outline finished) and I’ll be posting all updates on @lockandkeynovel!

This is a big project, and it’s going to take some time, but I can’t begin to tell you how grateful I am for all of you and your support. You all mean the world to me!

- No more requests -

I have 3 more requests left in my inbox, and once those are done that’s it for now. I’m not sure if I’ll ever be in a position to take requests again or not. My WIP list is a mile long, and right now (summer) is a VERY busy time for both of my jobs. I’m lucky if I get one day off a week. All this to say, it’s not feasible for me to continue taking requests when I can’t even handle the fics I have currently in the works. In fact, those 3 are folks who requested back at the end of APRIL, so…yeah…

I’m not saying I’ll never do requests again, it’s just not realistic right now. There will still be follower celebrations and birthday events and things like that in which I may take limited requests, but as far as the regular ones go, I gotta stop taking them for now.

Fic Updates

Disclaimer - I never know which way the winds of inspiration will blow. Timeframes aren’t a promise/guarantee, they’re a goal.

Fic Updates Legend:

Blue - Update this week

Pink - Update in progress

Red - Backburner Fic (not currently working on. See WIP list for status)

Chaptered Fic Updates

A Bit Dodgy - We’re back baby! I got chapter 14 hitting a Tumblr dash near you tomorrow at 8am! Thank you all for being patient. I’m hoping to be back to regular Monday updates, but we will see. I’ve worked SO HARD on this fic, along with my good friend @whatthefishh and I would hate to ruin it all by rushing through the ending. I would rather write it well and while inspired, than push through just to say I did it, you know what I mean?

Always Yours, Never Mine - Chapter 3 is on its way. This one had to be put aside while I was on the cruise, but i’m planning to work on it this week. I’m not sure if the update will come out this week or next though! Stay tuned!

The Fractured Moon - Part 3 is coming this week! - So I had a bit of confusion with this one in my own head. Let me explain haha…

I had already planned out the four parts for this fic a long time ago, and I spend hours in canva making the banners for each part. Each part was supposed to be centered around each boy. Part One (All boys) - Part 2 (Steven) - Part 3 (Jake) - Part 4 (Marc). Then I had some other ideas and plans that I wanted to work into the fic but was trying to figure out how I was going to do that without messing with the banners I made, so I planned to do 4 bonus chapters called “These Fractured Knights” all with the boys having their own bonus chapters. However, these chapters are all in line with the timeline of the fic, and it really makes more sense (and is less confusing) to just have them be part of the series normally as parts 3, 4, 5, and 6. (I hope I haven’t lost anyone yet).

That being said, I’m not going to call 4 chapters that fit in line with the story “bonus chapters” just for the sake of the banners I made, that’s my weird mental thing and idk why I do that. Once I’ve planned something, I HATE changing it. So I’m just going to make them fit in line with the fic like normal lol.

So anyway…

Part 3 is coming this week hehe.

Mini-series Updates

Feeling You Can’t Fight - I’m hoping to have a new chapter out this week, but I’m not really sure. This fic was supposed to be finished a month ago and I’m sad that I’m behind on it but I’m working on it!!

All on the backburner for now but will get additional chapters soon:

Not a Doctor - Part 2

Worth the Risk - Part 3

The Good Doctors - New Series

AI Character Bot Updates

I currently have the following bots on my list that I’m working on. If you have any suggestions or additions you’d like, please feel free to ask! I won’t make every single one I get asked for but I’ll make some of them as I get time!

Requests Updates

My 1k Follower Celebration ficlets ARE COMPLETE! - YAY! I AM going to be doing a 2k celebration (I’m like 50 followers away! Woot!), but it won’t include writing requests. I just don’t have time, sorry all! It will consist of games and other fun stuff though! Can’t wait!

I had 2 requests for Nathan Bateman, however I don’t feel overly inspired to write for him. That doesn’t mean I don’t like him, nor does it mean I never will write for him, but I just don’t want to have those requests sitting in my inbox while I figure that out. I still have them written down and I have the people who requested them written down so if I ever feel up to it again I’ll do it, but as of right now I don’t foresee it happening any time in the near future, and I just mentally needed to take it off my plate.

I’ll be working on the other requests between this week and next! I’m hoping to have them all out this week but that’s probably unrealistic lol. Thank you for all being so patient, and I love you!

That’s it for now! I love you all!

[thebossestunicycle]

not even 2018 me would believe my situation right now.

i have this friend that i’ve known since 3rd grade. he’s actually why i got into music in the first place since he invited me to see a concert with him. it was my first and it changed everything about music for me, even though i only went because I liked him. this was in 7th grade.

flash forward to 9th grade, when we ended up at the same high school. i still had feelings for him but we had kinda drifted apart due to some stereotypical middle school drama in our friend group back in 8th grade. For some reason, I get another one of my friends to try to set me up with him. He rejected me. Between the embarrassment I felt and the pandemic that shortly followed, we drifted entirely.

but in full honesty, despite how hard i tried to scoff the idea of him off, i missed him. our moms are friends so i heard about him all the time. i wanted to talk to him again, but i thought he would want nothing to do with me if he found out i was trans (i was closeted outside of my very small circle). i would see him in the halls all the time and the most we would say to each other was hi.

it made me sad, but eventually i stopped thinking about him. music became my life over covid and i decided that it was something i wanted to pursue in some way for the rest of my life. that’s what made me land on audio engineering.

so i got into my first choice school for the program i wanted. I had learned how to play bass just to get in since I wanted a change from percussion. Decision day comes and everyone at our high school has on a sweatshirt from their college.

i look through the crowd only to see that he had on the exact same sweatshirt as me. later, his mom told my mom he was going to school for this weird major called audio engineering, and since it was a music school, he auditioned on bass.

insane odds right?! when i found that out, i really didn’t know how to feel. i thought i was never going to see him again after high school. i planned to go by a new name that wasn’t even close to my old one. i felt like i needed to reconnect with him but i was afraid he wouldn’t accept me. so at first, i planned to act like i barely knew him.

flash forward 6 months. he is genuinely my best friend at this college. sometimes our bass professor is an ass and we laugh our way through it. i have every class with him besides for my math and writing classes. we get dinner together on monday nights and breakfast every morning (fuck those 8AMs, man). more importantly, it’s like we picked off right where we left off years ago. the only difference is that he calls me a different name.

our time together had sent me digging through all those old thoughts again, and over the past month, i’ve started to realize that maybe some of those feelings never died. he’ll do the smallest thing for me and i can feel myself almost turning red. i feel like I’m floating after we hang out.

i’ve never had feelings leave me as dumbfounded as i am now.

when i get back home, all these what ifs flood my head. part of me really believes we could have been something if I wasn’t trans. today we looked at each other in a way that I kinda can’t describe and now I’m scared that he still sees me as a woman. what would he do if he ever found out i was into him again? what would the next 4 years of school look like, where I’m in a class with just him and the 3 other bassists in our grade?

on nights like these, i sit around and listen On The Floor by Perfume Genius until my brain can’t take it anymore, when i’m sure I knocked all of those feelings out of my system, because I know for a fact that we will never happen. but then i wake up and walk down to our class and by the end of the day, i feel everything all over again.

how long is this gonna last?

[sxtaep]

this is random but how people can actually go to work like 8am in the morning and you must be wakeup like at 6 then finish your work like 5pm then back at home like 7 because the road has so many car like fuck. then can still be functioning. HOW? i just started my work life and yk what? i spend my whole day by sleeping. my weekend are my sleep day, when i got back from work. i spend my whole night with sleep. HOWWW? and you guys still can meet friends after work? and spend your weekend with workout? eating out? short vacation? HOW??? I CANT 😭 and these people in the fics? like can go to club at night??? AND WASTED AND GO TO WORK LIKE 8 am in the morning? r u guys okay? share some tips juseyo

i’ll be honest with you, last year, from about june - november, my life was exactly that.

my life was so repetitive; wake up, go to work, come home, have dinner, bed EVERY SINGLE DAY and on top of that, my sleep schedule was really messed up, i barely got any sleep which made it harder for me to wake up AND ALSO !!! i have very irregular periods, since i was 14, my periods have last about a month and they’re super heavy (im also anemic) so i think with the added excessive blood loss, i was more tired and burnt out (got checked by the doctor, and due to the lack of iron in my blood and also losing large amounts of blood during my period, it worsened my fatigue).

I barely went out to see my friends, is stopped going to the weekly family gatherings on saturdays because i was so tired, and during that time i also started writing/posting a lot less because i was so burnt out.

my manager also encouraged me to take a couple days off just to rest for a bit because even at work my colleagues noticed i was down and droopy and tired 😭😭😭

i guess in some ways you could say i was lucky to have surgery because it granted 3 months of recovery leave and during the recovery period, i was able to recover (with some inconveniences) and i am now working reduced hours which means i have more free time to go out and do stuff rather than just stay at home all week.

being locked at home for three months unable to go out, made me wanna go out for meals, go shopping etc because it’d been so long since i did that.

i wouldn’t know how to advise you about the whole clubbing and hangover thing because one, i have never been to a club, and two, i have never drank alcohol before, so i think that might be a questions for the raging partygoers and drinkers in this community 🤣🤣🤣

all i can say is, taking a couple days off work, book some annual leave and use that time to just rest and do whatever it is you wanna do before returning to work 😁

[hismercytomyjustice]

I want to write right now but my brain is such mush. (ಥ﹏ಥ) I knew it would be, trips always take so much out of me, but it’s so frustrating. I have been running around nonstop since Sunday and damn if it isn’t hitting me like a freight train now.

My husband picked me up at the airport and I ate lunch before immediately passing out for a few hours. And then I managed to get up long enough to shower. And have been trying to stay awake/feel like my brain is still in my head ever since.

I am not the type to just start nodding off, but I did on the flight to NY and back and in my Uber to the airport yesterday. Everything has just been so exhausting.

Thank fuck for noise cancelling headphones, Loop earplugs, fidget toys, and extra anxiety meds because idk how I would have functioned without them. It is WILD how much of a difference using the Loops/noise cancelling headphones makes. I go from wanting to start screaming/crying or wanting to run away to being able to actually function and not feel like I’m dying after. Well, mostly anyway.

I barely slept Sunday night because I procrastinated and was panic packing and then had to get up early (6:20ish) to go to the airport. Then I got to the hotel around 12:30 Monday and even tho I requested an early check in, I didn’t get my room until 2:30. Meanwhile all my coworkers got theirs and abandoned me to just sit in the lobby anxiously looking at my watch while I hoped and prayed I’d be able to get to my room before our first session at 3. Apparently the entire hotel was sold out.

I’d been banking on getting to check in, maybe nap, and hopefully shower and change before the sessions started. Instead I got to check in, change clothes, and then just about sprint to the first session. They told us it was a 5min walk from the hotel to the tower but it was closer to 15. I don’t tolerate heat well so I was sweating buckets by the time I got there.

I didn’t have time to get my actual badge or get my hand scanned for the biometric entry. And even tho they looked me up and knew I was an employee and had a badge waiting for me (had to present my ID), I still needed to have someone in the building to come down and vouch for me? Place was sealed up like damn Fort Knox. I couldn’t get to the lobby without going through security, and even tho i had a temporary employee badge with the floors I needed access to printed on it, I couldn't get on or off any of the floors without someone with an actual badge.

Then we were out until 8pm with our team. Basically got back to the hotel and showered and crashed before having to be back in the lobby by 7:15 the next morning to walk back to the tower. We were in sessions from 7:30 to 5:30pm with barely any time for a bathroom break let alone a break to check on work stuff. I had to spend two of our tiny breaks trying to get my badge, but I finally got it. Then dinner was at 6 and ended after 8. Me and a few of my coworkers walked to the marina and took some photos there. Got back to the hotel around 9. Showered and passed out again.

Then had to check out and be back at the tower with all our stuff before 8am on Wednesday. I took an Uber because I didn't want to drag my heavy ass bookbag and suitcase for a 15min walk. We were in sessions again until almost 3pm. At which point I went straight to the airport. It took almost an hour to get there by Uber, so I was working on my phone the whole time. Got through security and even boarded the plane before they told us our flight was cancelled and we needed to deplane.

I can count on one hand the number of times I've had to fly somewhere so I had no clue how a cancelled flight worked. And flights were getting cancelled all over the city. I stood in a line around 50 people deep to wait for the help desk. They told us to rebook on the app so I stepped out of line and was looking at flights when they finally allowed me to try and rebook. The only other direct flight was Thursday at 7:35pm otherwise I’d have 1-2 layovers for a flight that should only take 2 hours.

Thankfully they made a new flight for us that we were automatically booked for. I got back in the now even longer line to ask about vouchers for food/transportation/lodging per my manager’s instructions. They told us nothing was on offer because the cancellation was due to weather.

So THEN I was scrambling to find a hotel for the night. Along with every other stranded passenger. All the cheaper ones by the airport were full. I’m hoping work will comp me for my hotel last night but am not 100% sure so I didn’t want to book a $500 a night stay closer to the airport. So I booked a hotel in NJ that was 15 miles away. It took an hour to get there by Uber. I checked in around 10 and just dissociated in my room for like an hour lol.

Then I showered and went to bed. Got up at around seven to repack my luggage and get another hour long Uber ride back to the airport. Thank god my flight was on time and everything went smoothly from there and now I’m home again.

I’m mentally and physically exhausted and probably will be for another day or two, which sucks. I hate it takes me so long to recover from stuff like this. BUT THAT’S NOT SELF-COMPASSION. I will be a potato tomorrow and maybe Saturday. Hoping to feel marginally human by Sunday.

BUT. I’m actually really proud of myself for figuring shit out when my flight got cancelled. I don’t travel and I certainly don’t travel alone unless I absolutely have to. But I persevered and got a hotel and got back home in one piece! I didn’t panic! It may have been because I took my extra anxiety meds pre-flight that didn’t happen, but regardless I feel like I did so well given everything that happened! Especially only having been to NYC only once before as part of a high school trip in 2007.

I hadn’t even taken an Uber by myself before this trip! I found the office all by myself the first time! I didn’t even get lost in the process! When I have 100% gotten lost in Raleigh before, which is SO MUCH SMALLER THAN NYC. I survived not one but TWO brand new (to me) airports! And my ADHD and OCD mostly cooperated the whole time! Success after success after success!

Tbh I had a lot more fun than I expected to and it was really nice getting to see my coworkers in person. We’re all virtual and only ever met once before last year in New Orleans, but that was a trip including almost 1k people from our org. This was our first time together with just our team.

Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE being virtual, but there’s something to be said for seeing colleagues in person too. At least once in a while!

I’ll probably post more about the trip in the days to come as I still process a lot of it, but overall I had a much better time than I expected to!

I also got to meet more of the sales reps I support and it was so funny to have them just yell out customer names I’d helped them with at me when they saw me haha!!! Glad to know I’m making a positive impact! ꉂ (´∀｀)ʱªʱªʱª It’s so easy to feel very siloed while being virtual. It was nice getting a reminder that they’re actual people I’ve helped and that they appreciate said help!

[gddmgttsu]

Good morning!

(or atleast how 3am is morning to some but still night to others)

I’ve had a wild day yesterday and I still have a lot of mixed feelings about a few things. Honestly I still haven’t settled with how I feel about everything so it’s a bit hard for me to calm down still.

It begins 2 days ago where out of nowhere I get a text saying that I have a job interview the next day. I was surprised because that’s barely enough time to prepare myself but I decided to go along with it anyway…

That night I slept on time but I only got 1 hour of sleep. Something was wrong with me and I decided “ehh I’ll do it anyway it shouldn’t take more than a few hours and so I got prepared to go to the interview at 8am with no sleep.

Right as I left the house with my resume and everything, about a third of the way there I realize I left my ID at home. I felt a pit in my stomach and in that moment I knew it was over. I wasn’t getting this job but I still went back home to get it and go anyway.

When I got there, I was greeted with about 20 or so applicants and I was the last one there. I was about 10 mins late when I should have been 15 mins early so I wasn’t feeling very good.

After a bit of waiting, we were all led to a room with a papers infront of everyone’s seats. As I sat down, it was a basic math test with subtracting, adding, multiplying and word problems. Remember I’m on an hour of sleep and Ive been awake for 9 hours since that nap so my brain was fried.

I couldn’t remember how to do those basic calculations by hand since it’s been so long and I use a calculator for everything now. The numbers I was writing felt correct though by just eyeballing it and so I finished it somehow.

Next was the interview segment. They interviewed us 3 at a time and when I was called a nice lady started asking me questions. At this point I honestly didn’t care anymore. I was so sleepy and tired that I knew deep down I wasn’t going to make it. I answered everything as earnestly as I could. I had no real experience with the job I applied for so I tried to make up for it with enthusiasam… atleast as much as 1 hour of sleep could get you…

What surprised me was after everyone was done, around half of us were called again to another room and inside it was another goddamn test for everyone.

It was vocabulary, number pattern recognition and abstract pattern recognition. it’s about 11:30 by this point and I’m just cooked but I still tried my best to answer it. It was a first for me to get extensively quizzed like this for a job. It felt like trying to apply for college again.

After that they gave everyone left slips of paper. I was expecting mine to say “you tried. you can go home now :)” but to my surprise, it said I was cleared for the final interview. I was so shocked that it took an extra second to see that I had to wait an HOUR MORE because it’s lunch break and they told us to get lunch.

I was tired, I was sleepy and I wanted to go home but I guess sunk cost fallacy kicked in and I toughed it out. I got lunch and waited. Ironically it said 1pm but we didn’t actually start until 2 so I was getting really impatient.

Everyone started getting called 1 by 1 by the head of HR and I was called last. Apparently the person that interviewed me before was the head of HR so I didn’t actually get interviewed again. I was just given the job proposal and was asked to sign a contract.

…I actually landed it.

I’m ashamed to admit that I’ve been unemployed for longer than I should. I always felt jealous of my friends who seem to be able to go through their life on track and here I am with an actual real job for once. I had several emotions but I couldn’t quite internalize them for a bit since it’s not over yet.

My contract was that I was assigned to a nicer area but it’s a bit away from my house so my commute will be a bit strange. I dreaded gettng a job around there but I have no choice since I need the money and I need the experience.

Next was that it was 6 days a week… I wasn’t very happy about that but I guess I can’t be picky. I should be happy but to lose one of my weekends fills me with dread as to how I’ll cope long term.

I was given a long list of requirements due next week which honestly sounds like a nightmare but I gotta do it. With that I was sent home.

On the car ride back I was feeling anxious. I was scared I was going to mess this up. I was scared of losing time to myself and I was scared of losing my friends strangely enough.

I was going to be busy from this day onward for a whole year… It’s quite a shock and a whole bunch of responsibility was dumped on me in one instant.

When I got home, it was really starting to sink in just what exactly I signed up for. I was so sleepy and I wanted to just lie down and sleep. I had to shower since I was out the whole day and the only thing at the back of my head was “If I don’t calm down right now I’m going to explode”. I haven’t felt this way since college.

Right before going to bed I talked with my friend, maybe my closest friend right now. They were happy for me and supportive which helped but after I calmed down I felt alittle sad.

They’re normally busy so we rarely hang out but recently we’ve been talking alot every other day. I enjoy their company dearly and to suddenly have that be abruptly cut made me feel very lonely.

I don’t doubt that we’ll still be friends and that we’ll still talk throught the thing but right now I feel as if there’s a barrier between me and my support group.

I’ve had a good nights rest since then and I’m writing this post as I woke up.

My sleep was rocky as it was cut into 5 parts and it was plagued by every fear I described. I noticed that after every sleep-wake cycle I was less anxious about everything and it really felt like my mind was coping very hard. After about 12 hours of sleep I’m awake now.

The only feeling I have left is just sadness…

I really don’t know if I’ll be able to live up to the standards expected of me. Being an adult and one who’s life fell apart right sfter college is very scary. It’s isolating and I feel very prone to bouts of depression thinking about what went wrong.

Aside from a handful of people, I don’t have a lot to talk to about my problems that really understand. Honestly I started this blog as a place to just write down how I feel because it’s genuinely crippling sometimes.

I’ve mostly accepted the fact that this is now the next step in my life. I very much need to stick with it as best I can because this is an opportunity to turn my life around.

If not for myself, I should do it for the few people that believe in me.

I suppose we’ll see how life goes from this day onward and I hope for the best for other people in the same situation as me. I should consider myself lucky and I’ll try to keep a positive attitude from now on.

I’ll do my best!

[animalexperienceinternational]

Flight cancelations and hummingbirds.

Classic story of a girl meeting a guy, falling in love, girl living in a new country for 6 years then having him break up with her over facetime when she is in another country, during a pandemic after they buy a house together. 

This is how I found myself back in Birmingham, England after being away and struggling through life for three years. A beautiful and wonderful friend was marrying her beloved and they had asked me to officiate the wedding. I had previously considered the whole country of England to be dead to me but one can not say no to love. I packed my things and wrote one heck of a sermon for the wedding. While writing it I saw a hummingbird. I asked a Qu'wutsun friend of mine if hummingbirds meant anything special on this land. He said it was good luck before a trip. I felt like I had my ancestors on my side and took off to England. The trip was wonderful. Re-connecting with so many people and visiting these old places that felt like they were taken from me- it gave me the closure I didn't think I needed and didn't expect was waiting for me in the west midlands.

  Leaving was a bit trickier. There are no hummingbirds in England.

I am no stranger to airport struggles so I try to go into a travel day without too much stress, I know there will be enough coming my way! My generous and gracious friend drove me to the Manchester airport, a 90 minute drive from her lovely river side home in Yorkshire and I have to admit I was sleepy. Tired because we went mountain biking and had a BBQ the day before and it was 8am but also because the two week trip was emotionally exhausting. Connecting with some of my most precious friends for two weeks really was a dream but it had left my social and emotional battery completely flat. I had no charge nor did I have anything left in the tank to even try to start... clearly I don't know how engines work. We talked in the car, soaking up the last little bit of in-person connection that we would get for the next while and in the middle of the ride I got a message from Air Canada saying my flight was 30 minutes delayed. No problem, I thought, gives me just a bit more time for security and a coffee. We hugged good bye and I said farewell to the English sun- something that had JUST come out in my last departing days. Manchester security was a thing to behold. New signs were up around x-rays explaining all the things that were considered liquid: hair gel, lotion, mascara, solid lip balms, solid deodorant.. wait... I have my travel packing to an art and travelled only carry on for this two weeks, but that was only possible because most of my traditionally liquid things are now solid- shampoo, deodorant, moisturizer- and really if something is a solid, how can it be considered a liquid? I was too far in line to change anything and I didn't have enough room in my 1L bag anyway. I assumed secondary screening would be inevitable. But then I noticed a video screen that showed off how many other people either didn't understand the rules or were hoping to get by with a cheeky "whoops!, didn't understand that a solid was a liquid, mate!" The screen said that 90% of bags going through this queues x rays were failing and needing secondary inspection. I looked past the human metal detector and saw lines and lines and lines of bags waiting for security to go through them under the watchful eye of the less than patient Manchester travellers. 35 minutes later I waved to the security agent who lifted up my bag and asked who it belonged to, I went over and he asked if I could open it. I opened up the pocket that kept my solid deodorant and he told me they consider this a liquid. I said, I was sorry and didn't realise that. My purse had also been flagged and he asked if I had a laptop in it. I did not but I did trave with a small collapsible keyboard. I often didn't even take it out anymore at airports because no one seemed to care when I showed them. I took it out of my purse, and he wiggled it, jiggled it, tested it for explosives and said it was fine. I was then allowed on my way. I was still about 90 minutes early for the flight so I went to get a coffee. While in line I heard our Air Canada flight was delayed another hour. Hmm, guess I will get this coffee for here, I thought. Another announcement said it would be delayed another 2 hours. There was really nothing else to do but have a cookie with my coffee so I did that. I then walked to a comfy chair in front of a screen and had a sit down. Listening to a podcast and playing some silly phone game, I glanced up at the screen and apparently the flight was delayed another hour. I took out an ear phone and heard an announcement saying my Air Canada flight had been cancelled and we should make our way to an info desk. A woman beside me remarked to her travel partner that she would be 'fumin!!' if this happened to her. I glanced over and said: jeez, it's annoying, eh? She asked if I was on that flight, I said yes and she sat their stunned that I wasn't melting down. I told her there wasn't much to do, may as well see what they have to say. I walked off and joined a few hundred people standing in line that presumably started at an Air Canada desk. Another announcement told us they had no information but they would in 40 minutes. We looked at each other confused. So do we stand here? or sit down? Or something completely different. I updated friends in England that their country was obsessed with me and it looked like I would be here for a bit longer. 40(ish) minutes later we were told to go to gate 208 to disembark and eventually get our baggage. We didn't really know what that meant but we walked towards gate 208. Some people brushed past each other, racing to who knows what. This got rolled eyes and a few heavy sighs until one woman slipped past the wrong couple. The Northerners had no time for this nonsense and told her there was no point in rushing, we weren't going anywhere. She had no time or his antics and told him to piss off. He told her to piss off even louder. I looked at a stranger beside me and laughed: this is great! We got to the gate and were told to sit and wait. We twiddled our thumbs, muttered under our breathes and generally zoned out. Suddenly an Air Canada agent said we could collect our bags. After that? Who knows. We went to baggage and I promptly left since I didn't have any to wait for. There were no agents waiting for us so I thought maybe going to Departures would make sense? Perhaps there was an Air Canada desk that could help. The Air Canada check-in desk was about to be a ghost town as the agents hurried away, I quickly asked where their info desk was. They told me there wasn't one. ... okay. They said maybe ask a Tui Agent? I waited for the mass of stranded passengers to come upstairs, feeling very accomplished and cool that I would be the first person in line when they got there. I found the Tui desk and honestly I have no idea what was happening but a woman was angrily counting out pence and handing them over to the agent. It was taking ages and I was seeing no stranded passengers so I went to a different desk and asked if maybe it made sense I was up in Departures if my flight was cancelled. Bless Virgin Atlantic because the agent told me she had no idea but if this happened to Virgin they would put us on coaches to bring us to a hotel and those would pick us up downstairs at Arrivals. As I walked back to Arrivals and recognized someone who also came upstairs. She had a cute tattoo of a dog with hearts around it, I decided she would be a safe person to ask wtf. She told me someone told her to come up here and find an agent. We both went back to Tui where the strange interaction was STILL happening and waited in line. We continued to be the only people waiting and I said it was questionable we were the only people who got this right and we should go downstairs. We went downstairs and some Air Canada agents were standing in a circle. "Hi! I don't know what I'm doing" I figured acting like a complete boob would help me get as much information as possible. They asked if I was a stranded passenger and I tried not to be sarcastic. They pointed to two coaches and said we could get on. Where are we going? I asked. They did not know. I went to the first coach and asked if we just get on. The driver asked what hotel I was going to. I said I didn't know. He laughed at me and said I really should know. I pointed to the AC agent and said they told me to come here. He yelled to them that we really should know what hotel we were going to. My mood was wearing thin. Should we just get on? I asked. He walked away to make fun of the situation with the other driver. We got on the coach. England was in it's first full day of a heat wave so the bus was approximately 1000 degrees. As we all settled into the bus we remarked how we didn't know anything other than it was very warm. Would we be paying for the hotel? For food? For the coach even? Who knows?! We start to drive around airport city, past a few okay hotels and stop in the middle of a traffic circle outside the parking lot and hedge around the Delta Marriot. The coach driver opens the door. Someone says- are we here? He says, yes, and gets out to open up the baggage compartment. We all look around at each other most of us letting out exasperated laughter. This is amazing I laugh as I look around at the traffic trying to get navigate around us. We exit while being parked in the middle of this traffic circle and walk through a hole in the hedgerow, through the parking lot and into the lobby. We are welcomed by the staff and told that dinner would be from 6 to 8. I quickly head to my room to lay down and have some alone time. I turn on the TV to find either a reno show or a baking show- the only things one can watch in a hotel room- unless its morning then breakfast news or 24 hour news networks are permissible. I unpack some of my bag and find liquid eye drops, two gel lip sticks, mascara and moisturiser. All things more liquid than my solid deodorant. My phone buzzes and it's a text from Air Canada. I have a new flight! In two days. I laugh out loud.. now people will be fumin! I go to dinner and see my tattooed friend, she has made another friend and we eat together. Burgers for them, curry for me. And a complimentary glass of wine! Spare no expenses, they did! People are on their phones with baby sitters, dog sitters, cruise lines, hotels, spouses, travel agent and anyone else who will hear their pleas. I sip my wine and tell my new friends about my time in England. One is Canadian just coming from from a cruise and the other is English just going to Canada for a visit. We all feel we can take it as it is. A free night in a hotel isn't the worst thing. The next morning I wake up for breakfast, stuff myself to the gills with beans, toast, marmite and coffee. I then go back to sleep for a few hours. This two weeks had taken so much out of me, I didn’t mind this stop in purgatory. I meet my friends for lunch and we discuss our plans for the day. I am happy enough to sleep, read and use the hotel gym. None of us are particularly interested in spending 40 quid to get into city centre. I am so exhausted from my trip I really see this as a nice sleepy get away. I check out the prices in the mini bar. A can of wine is 10 quid, about 20 Canadian dollars. I stick with my free drink with dinner. Wednesday comes and we find out some passengers were sent earlier to Dublin, Europe and America so they could get to their final destinations without clogging up one flight path. It does seem that two nights in a hotel continues to be not a hardship, just weird. I ask the front desk if a coach will pick us up again or if we take the airport shuttle, I'm told a bus at 9am will pick us up for our 12:05 flight. There is a lot of chatter amongst all us stranded passengers about how bad communication is with the airline. No one knows anything unless we talk to the front desk. information trickles down like wealth is meant to. 9am comes and there is no bus. 9:10 we see a bus but it's not coming in, it's idling down the road. While it's not in a traffic circle, it's just as goofy. I go down to see if it's ours. It is. I wave to everyone and say: follow me! There is less frustration in the air but no one seems to trust we will be making it out. At every step we have been confused, left in the dark and forced to ask the poor front desk staff if they know anything. They have been so kind and added the times of the meals at the end of every single one of my queries, clearly they know my heart. My new travel friends both seem nervous about security and timing. I assure them it will be annoying but we will not miss this flight. I pack as well I as I can but my deodorant won't fit in my small clear plastic litre bag so I again am okay with waiting, this time the screen tells me that only 5% of bags are going through secondary screening. The agent asks me to open my bag, I make the same joke about my solid being more solid than liquid and apologise again. This one is as impervious to my charm as the last. Me and my stranded friends are on our way. We get a coffee and head to the gate. We are told our plane is having some issues and will be delayed 30 minutes. Then we are told there is a longer delay. There is then an announcement that anyone who is a stranded passenger should go to another gate as there is another Air Canada flight leaving just after ours. Bewildered, 50 of us walk to the other gate and ask what is going on. The gate agents tell us we are at the wrong gate. We tell them we know, but were told to come here. They tell us we were not. I tell them it's improbable that 50 of us misheard the announcement. They get on a walkie talkie and confirm with our original gate. We wait 5 minutes as there is rapid fire walkie talkie conversations. Then an agent from this new gate stomps to our original gate. After another 5 minutes of what looks like some emotional conversation he comes back and said there was never an announcement we need to go back. We go back and the gate agent loudly tells another passenger she never said that. There are a few remarks about gaslighting but we sit back down. The maintenance something something gets resolved and we start boarding. We all hold our breathes and after another 20 minute delay, the doors close and we start to head to Canada.

And that is the story of why I slept for three days after visiting the United Kingdom in September and why I think we should introduce hummingbirds to every country in the world.

[dzpenumbra]

7/15/23

6 AM. The creaks got me at 6 AM today. On a Friday morning. They were stomping around at midnight. They were stomping around at 2 AM, when I was writing my journal last night. Then they were up at 6, to the point where I just got up... after about an hour and a half of sleep... and again at 8. I don't even know when these people sleep. I don't even know how to sync my sleep schedule with them because it's just been constant and completely unpredictable.

Well... I just came down from jamming two improvised shims into the gap between the floor beam and the molding. I think it's just shoddy craftsmanship, a crap-build closet with cheap molding and the sound is likely the nail creaking inside the wood? Or something similar, I'm not well versed in this shit. But I was, through somewhat creepy and obsessive fixation and patience, able to identify the exact beam that was making the noise by... standing there and waiting. Just standing there for half an hour and just... waiting and watching. And sure enough... thump thump thump CRAAAACKcrackcrack thump thump And I took one of my cheap-ass foam brushes from 4 years ago that I never use and ripped off the foam top and whittled the handled into a wedge. I rammed that in between the beam and the molding, then waited. And waited. And sure enough, it made a difference. Not a huge difference... but a difference. So I just got done putting in a second one a few inches over on the beam, closer to the nail. And the footsteps have stopped, so I have no idea whether this worked or not. I guess I'll see in about... hmm... what time is it... 1:30? 4.5 hours? XD Oh god. Yep, this is what my life has become.

I really don't know what else to do, it's been 5 fucking days. I'm so delirious that I'm actually feeling high. I actually feel somewhat stoned. Like... "on the edge of freakout", "things are getting a bit surreal" stoned. So... I'm thinking I might as well just take a low-dose of the tincture tonight and go for it.

I went back to bed at 8AM and put my headphones in. I put on a binaural sleep thing and cranked the volume. It worked. But, again... only got about 5 more hours because the fucking batteries died. I'm still so pissed about that, they work really well when they work, but this battery life is just ridiculous. So, I just got up. I felt more rested than I had in a bit. 5 hours is a lot compared to 1. Plus, I had to be awake to get my groceries.

Today was basically a chill at home and get stuff done around the house day. Groceries, shower, more bead work, laundry. I was going to go skating despite the sleep deprivation, but the weather kept saying thunderstorm warning. The thunderstorms were supposed to start at 4 or 5, they started around 8. And they were intense, but short lived. So... I could've skated. Which sucks, but it is what it is.

The big thing from today was... I finally did my Instagram post for my hoodie. I even had some progression pictures from last fall to add in, from when the hoodie was just a freehand sketch in white pencil, progressing all the way up to the painted final product. I told the whole backstory, it was nice. It's been up for about 5 hours now. It has gotten 2 likes.

It isn't about numbers, it isn't about fortune or fame. It's about the work actually getting out there and finding people who like it, who want to see more, who want to support me in creating what I create... so I can pay my rent... And it shocks me how scam artists can find me like a fly finding dog shit, but somehow Instagram's professionally crafted perfection of an algorithm can't seem to find a way to get my art in front of people who are looking for that type of content. Hmm... must be my fault. Maybe I didn't Instagram correctly. I must not have played the game properly... hmm... wow, but really impressive how those ads do seem to be fine-tuned to the degree that they feel like they're fucking listening in to your conversations and shit. Really crazy how the ads are perfectly crafted to get companies who pay for ad space priority algorithms which actually work... while all the non-paying cattle can play the popularity game... the parallel algorithm that is designed to snowball popularity. See, I was gonna say... "If only Instagram had a functional algorithm that had a way of getting your posts in front of people who would really really be interested in it... you know... like their... ad... algorithms... oh..." So... I guess fuck me then.

It's not a matter of wanting validation. It's not a matter of wanting a self-esteem boost, though that would be an incredible bonus. It's about establishing a dialogue with an audience. And I can't fucking establish a dialogue... if no one can fucking hear me... because half of their feed is recommended popular accounts they don't even follow, and 1/4 is targeted ads. So yeah, I guess the reason I didn't post it sooner? The reason I'm kinda venting about now. What's the fucking point? One person who was a fan of my streams 3 years ago but has never shown an interest in my art clicked the "cool" button; one stranger did too, which is a bonus, I guess. I guess it's better than just... not posting it? I don't know.

Are people just that jaded now? Idk. I don't wanna go down that road. Whenever I start talking about "people" in the abstract like that it just gets super depressing real quick. Fuck that.

So yeah, that happened. Checked that off the side quest list on my whiteboard. And I decided to at least start sketching for the grip tape art on my trick deck... but I'm really just considering going straight to paint. I just... I have to be careful about layering paint, I have a tendency to layer paint really thick to get nice smooth blending. But thick paint means... less grip. So yeah, no, gotta be careful about that. I started sketching in colored pencil on grip tape. It's... something. It leaves a temporary sketch, kinda... but it's all like chalk dust, the second you touch it... it just comes right off. And it absolutely destroys pencils. So... yeah. I started doing the raven head, I didn't like the sketch... I wiped it off and started to sketch the circles for the mandala and that worked alright. Then it was just really late so I just called it.

The only other thing notable about today was... my meal plan thing. Today I tried one of the meals off of my new meal plan. I'm 100% vegetarian now, except for the fried chicken that was mistakenly delivered to me (instead of rotisserie chicken strips) and sausage that's in my freezer. It wasn't a big leap, and I still eat eggs, so there's that. I tried this meal that was basically like a caprese salad but with whole wheat pasta. And they wanted me to make two servings of it. And I followed the directions... and it was a fucking ton of food. A mountain on a plate. Like... I would not have eaten this much if the meal thing didn't tell me to. I would've eaten like... 2/3 the amount the recipe had me make. I'm fucking stuffed. But it was really light food so... yeah. I don't know. So I'm just kinda confused at this point... what to do diet-wise. I don't think my diet really has to change that much, I just have to be more conscious of calories? I guess? I honestly don't know. It just really caught me off-guard that after getting on this meal planner thing... my meal size went up... Maybe it's just the adding in of the exercise that made a difference. I have lost a visible amount of weight. Maybe I didn't need to change up my diet so much... as I needed to change up how sedentary I had become. But hey, cleaning up my diet a bit, cutting back on the butter and cheese a bit more... it ain't hurting.

The cholesterol is the scary part for me. And I still don't really know what to do about that diet wise... I guess fiber? That's been going well, and replacing milk with almond milk was seamless. Still don't know about eggs and all that. But yeah, honestly? I'm just really hoping I can get this whole sleep situation figured out pronto... because I haven't been exercising the past... 5 fucking days now. I did a full 30 day challenge straight into 5 days of forced insomnia and no exercise. I'm scared to exercise on such little sleep. It does not feel healthy at all. At all.

So yeah. I'm going to take a super low dose of tincture. I put together a playlist of good vibes hippie songs that should keep me from going to a bad place (fingers crossed) if I'm woken up and happen to be high... which is the exact reason why I stopped taking it in the first place. And... I put the shims in the ceiling so the creak noise should be significantly less. I hope. And... I have the AirPod music as an option in my back pocket, but the most it will get me is 6 hours. So... that's the arsenal. Is it enough? Only time will tell.

Oh, one last thing. My beans aren't doing well. The bottom leaves are really wilted and one of them went yellow. I think I overwatered them. I feel horrible for doing that to them, I really don't know how often to water stuff. My tomato loves water, it's watered like twice a week no problem. My Night Blooming Jasmine loves water so much that I had a mold problem in its soil and it flat-out didn't care. The thing has grown like a fucking weed. So... I've been trying to go by soil dryness but... I guess I didn't check well enough and overwatered them. So... I'm going to leave them until the soil is like... super-dry. I'm just not going to touch them at all and pray they don't have root rot. And hopefully they bounce back from this. Everything else is doing pretty damn well. The Pothos are all doing really well, they all have extra leaves now, all nice and healthy - from leaf cuttings in the mail from halfway across the continent to flourishing established plants. The Raven ZZ is just... doing its thing, growing like a damn weed and I'm trying to not stress about it potentially outgrowing its pot. The propagated succulents are doing very well, one failed but the rest are going strong. The chili has 2 peppers and plenty of flowers. The tomato has gone through a ton of flowers but... they just don't seem to be pollenating well. Or... I am not doing a good job helping it pollenate itself. So... I'll try to give it more attention, shake it up a bit. I've just been super gentle with it after its stalk keeled over twice. And that's pretty much the whole gang... the orchid is still kickin, kinda dormant... I haven't been watering it as much as I should because it really really needs distilled water and distilling takes like... a whole fucking day for like a quart of water. So... I'll have to get on that. It's not like I can just not water it. And I still want to plant that basil, I've put that off long enough... so maybe that's tomorrow's goal.

So yeah, that's where I'm at. All just hopes and prayers going forward from here that I can just get sleep fixed so I can get out there in the world. Its such horrible timing. I finally take a giant leap, I get confidence, I want to get out in the world regularly. I have a place to go, I have plans (the trails at the farm nearby and going to the skatepark), and the second I do that... my sleep gets fucked. For an entire week. By college students. I really really hope I get a solution for this soon, because I really don't know what else I can do.

Just a quick tangent. I know this is a PTSD thing. I know it. It's a nervous system thing, a hypervigilance thing. It's a "I'm not feeling safe, there's a wolf at the door" thing. Every time the jets fly overhead confirms it for me, it's not the same feeling. Having the maintenance guy actually enter my apartment validated it too, it was the same feeling, but to a lesser degree because that part of my brain had more information. Yep... this reflex was less severe when someone actually was inside my apartment. Because it's a reflex, it doesn't work by logic's rules. I know it's PTSD, I know it's isolation, I know it's living alone. But I still feel like... the way I put it when I posted in a support group this morning just looking for advice... I feel like I should be able to tank this. Like I should just get over it. Learn how to sleep heavier. Just get better. Or something. Like... I feel like this is somehow my fault, and it's part of living in an apartment, and I shouldn't expect peoples lives to revolve around mine. And I know that's my PTSD talking, my shit self-esteem, my broken self-worth, my self-blame. The problem is... it's partially right. This is part of communal living. And I don't really like this way of living at all. I want nothing more than to be in the forest right now. I just... need to find a way to get people into my life, to meet a community and develop a social network. And I thought moving here would do that... automatically, I guess? I don't know. And my isolation would get super bad in the forest alone, I know that from experience. Not that there are even places in the woods to fucking rent, they're all goddamn AirBnBs bought up by companies during the pandemic and converted into micro theme parks for rich ski bums to pretend they're "quaint and rustic" for a few days and then they sit empty for months at a time. I don't even know if I have any option but to... just somehow magically figure this out.

I found myself crying this morning. Going "I don't want to go on Xanax again. I don't want to go on Seroquel again. I don't want to go on Mirtazapine again. I don't want to eat fistfuls of Benadryl before bed again." Sleep problems are what sent me on meds in the first place. Desperation. Being out of answers, out of options. And going on and off of meds completely fucked up my life. I still haven't recovered. All because I had panic attacks and struggled with sleep from undiagnosed PTSD. That's all. So yeah. This is a pretty tough moment. It's not just... annoying loud neighbors. It's not just laying there with my eyes closed trying desperately not to engage with a gnat swarm of racing thoughts for literal hours at a time. It's not just jumping out of my skin and feeling like my heart is being stretched every time I hear that loud creak. It's the potential implications of what I might have to do if I don't find a non-medication solution for this. And all of the trauma associated with that. It's a doozy.

So... it's not quite as simple as just... someone getting cranky about noisy kids... then rolling over and going back to sleep. This is... someone who has had their life decimated by PTSD, constantly wrestles with agoraphobia... who is jostled awake by sounds sending him into biophysical flashbacks... repeatedly making him relive the physical and emotional sensations of traumatic events... every day. And then has to spend sometimes hours trying to calm his nervous system down enough to even consider sleep, because his heart feels like he just went on a fucking rollercoaster and his mind is racing like he just snorted a fat bump of coke.

But like... try explaining that to a complete stranger... Let me phrase that better... I would have to explain that to a stranger to be taken seriously, and even then it might be a stretch. I would have to expose how fucked my life is, how frail I am... just to possibly get some peace. And even then, there are no promises.

Ugh. And all this because some people just... moved to a top-floor apartment... and walk heel-toe, thumping their entire body weight unto their talus --- DAMN, it's calcaneus. I was close though, not too shabby considering I haven't studied bone anatomy since... 2009, I think?

Okay, enough dreading and dooming. I've done 5 nights of this, I can do one more. Fingers crossed. Goodnight (hopefully). Hey, that's a good song title...

[chenyeemultiply]

review and reflect day 1

Day One app only allow one free device, so I got to come here to write.

1 Feb 2023

sat at the old man’s chair for close to an hour to wind down, on instagram reels. came back from KH at almost midnight, left at about 11+pm, the event finished at 10.22pm, I packed some noodles, rice and bread home for my 3 meals tomorrow. 

today there were a lot of talk on physical body >  etheric body > astral body >  i-organisation; body, mind and spirit. the spirit part was quite mind-blowing, like everything makes sense now. water in body and plants, how we grow, why we ask god for answer, etc. 

the answer to my question on how to make others realise they have the power to heal themselves despite their age should be to strengthen their i-organisation. the method is what i am doing now, review and reflect. 

in the afternoon, we lightly sand the floor before applying another layer of lacquer. i didn’t know when you wash your brush, the white brush will turn black?? wait, i don’t believe it at all. 

i need to pack ex client’s things and deliver back to them, oh thank god I can say bye-bye to them now and focus on what I like. with this client, i can’t do what i feel like and thus i became unproductive towards their jobs.

tomorrow i need to finish up the signages. and then start immediately on logo and festival, K stuff gotta stay aside. at night i will read chapter 6 of FH, if not  to do poster for march class.

went to old office noon, saw some familiar faces and places. the place looks full, i’d truly prefer a minimalist kind of workspace.

woke up at 8am this morning, i did a 10 mins abs workout, little bit of K work before going out at 12. i love the moment i woke up this morning, i felt so peaceful. if i woke up early tomorrow, i’d go cycling. I’m glad i didn’t book swimming session, the event ended so late, i need the sleep. tomorrow if i don’t go cycle, i should do another session of P-Reif workout for 10-15 mins, before breakfast. 

[kaymarie-bell]

Twst Anthology Comic vol2

you know, looking at this post  of mine (talking about one of the chapters in the Twisted Wonderland Anthology Comic vol2) a couple of hours later I realized it feels kind of vague 😅 so if you are curious about how this chapter went and don’t mind a very basic summary/translation of it, here you go!

disclaimer: I have no experience as a translator aside from doing it for my own personal enjoyment and understanding (thus wording might be different from original text), so I highly recommend revisiting this chapter if it is translated by one of the lovely groups / individuals that serve as the backbone of the international fandom and blesses us with their content 💖

Please do not repost anywhere else, but feel free to reblog and share!

@ennonli here you go!

Twisted Wonderland Anthology Comic Vol 2

Malleus and the Invitation (by 平井るな / Hirai Runa)

“Party?” 

Malleus is talking to Lilia, Cater, Rook, and Kalim. Cater explains that Kalim was going to show them the magic carpet at his dorm during the weekend and he told Malleus that he was invited to go.

Kalim says that since they’re going to his dorm they should just stay over and enjoy one of Jamil’s banquets/feasts. Lilia says that he was also invited but already had plans 

“What do you think, Malleus?”

then Malleus does this dramatic bow and goes “oh...? you’re inviting me...?” while everyone else is like o.o 

he responds that “very well, I shall respectfully accept this invitation” 

meanwhile Lilia is at the back like “oh my, Malleus is happy!”

...

“What are you looking for, fine-horned demon?”* Malleus is at Sam’s store looking for presents to give at the party

he’s very deep in thought, “if you’re invited [to someone’s place] you can’t go empty-handed...” 

“What would make a good souvenir? I wonder...”

meanwhile Sam (being lowkey ignored) is wondering if there’s an event happening

still thinking to himself, “Lilia said that sweets are a good choice” / “I’ll take this Gargoyle figure with me and teach them about its charms during that day.” At this point there’s a large pile of wrapped boxes behind him while Sam looks extremely happy. Malleus, while being surrounded by a bunch of boxes “This is getting fun...” 

...

later-

“The party is tomorrow...” Malleus is walking down a hallway and Lilia catches up to him

“Malleus, did you enjoy yesterday’s party?”

he just stares and goes “? the party is tomorrow”

“...what? but Cater and the others...”

we see Cater, Rook, Kalim, and Jamil talking excitedly (well not Jamil, he looks upset 😅) while approaching the other two

Cater “Yesterday was fun, right? I was able to get lots of pictures!”

Rook “Riding a magic carpet was a truly valuable experience!”

Kalim “Jamil’s food was great, wasn’t it?”

Jamil “The date was suddenly moved, put yourself on my shoes...”

Rook “I can’t believe everyone forgot that they had plans tomorrow. Very careless, right~” then he notices Malleus and Lilia standing close to them

“Oh! it is Roi des Dragons and Monsieur Curiosity!”

Cater goes to greet them “Ah~ Mr. Malleus...” “Malleu...?” “AH-!!” he suddenly looks panicked 

“I forgot to tell Malleus that I moved the date of the party forward...!!”

Rook, unbothered while Cater panics “I’m sure Monsieur Magicam told me”

Kalim, completely clueless “Huh? now that I think about it Malleus didn’t come”

Cater “Oh...I’m sorry. Malleus, you’re angry, right?”

Malleus, while looking upset “...no way” “I am not angry over this”

he leaves

Cater, watching him go “Oh...he’s angry, isn’t he? As I expected...”

Kalim, still clueless “He looked normal to me, wasn’t he?”

Lilia “...no” “Is not that he’s angry, is just that...”

“Malleus, after being depressed for a long time, feels lonely**”

Cater, Rook, Kalim “Lonely**...!?”

Lilia follows Malleus “Wait a minute, Malleus. Don’t be discouraged”

“I am used to this. I don’t care”

...

Sebek, looking concerned “Young- Youn...***”

“I can’t believe it! A present from the Young Master, it is such a great honor!!!”

“This food is delicious. As expected of Malleus~!”

“Lord Malleus, could you tell me about this gargoyle?”

“.....”

“...this gargoyle figure is very precious...”

Good luck, Malleus...!

END

* a very literal translation, not sure of the nickname sorry 😭

** this sentence was very tricky and I interpreted to best of my abilities, so please take it with a grain of salt and do correct me if you find a better translation

*** not that important, but in here Sebek was just going “Wa- WA-” and I found it funny 

[theramseyloft]

8/25/21

Cheeto, makin' sure my day starts early.

Couture is 6 months old today.

He officially joined the breeding roster yesterday when his first egg was fertile.

Archie is 16 weeks old, still looking for a home.

Banner (Patch x Spangle) is 6 weeks, due to get his initial vaccines tonight.

The second egg of Thistle and Amiga's second clutch and the first of Wess and Dolly's are being candled today.

Need to sit a minute.

Just moved my 150lb chewy order to the laundry room so I can get it out the door more easily and my back hates me.

This is why April wasn't allowed to hatch eggs even before I got out of breeding doves.

You can actually see where the shell has sufficient calcium and where is doesn't. The narrow end curves slightly to the side like melted plastic, indicating that is was rubbery when she passed it.

She is supplemented free choice and definitely eats her oyster shell.

But something is wrong with either her absorption or distribution.

If there is not enough calcium getting to her ovaries to build a full shell, there isn't enough in the egg to build a full peep skeleton.

If she were to hatch it, and the peep were to survive, feeding it would kill her.

Fuck.

Hate that this is the second rest I've needed today.

Hauled a 50lb sack of feed from storage to the loft and filled the feed container so I could fill the quarantine feed container.

Ok.

Back to it.

And four minutes later, I need another rest.

I just hauled out three 50lb bags from my laundry room to the storage shed.

They are paper.

I can't heft them over my shoulder to more evenly distribute the weight or drop them when they get too heavy, or they'll split.

I have also had them split from getting stuck to my shoulder with sweat

So I have to carry them in my arms like a gigantic baby, which us the position least kind to my back.

I have arthritis.  

I physically cannot straighten my legs to stand with a weight, so I am not capable of lifting with my knees.

Moving feed, sand bags, and straw takes a LOT out of me that's very difficult to recover from.

Ok.

Laundry in the dryer.

Second load in the washer.

Writing all this down because I have been working since 8am, and Cheeto's mat is the only bird related thing I have cleaned, so it feels like I've gotten nothing done but hurt my back.

I got up two hours earlier than I usually do, and am still just now getting started on work.

Because the loft is no closer to clean than it would be on a day I slept in, everything I have done this morning registers as having done nothing.

Patron: "You’ve gotten a lot done"

Yeah.

My brain measures work in terms of "how much do we have left?" Because I have the same amount left, I have just been procrastinating, as far as she is concerned.

The "one more little thing" syndrome is real today.

Sat down to clean the dove Palace.

Realized I forgot to get them straw (April is on a fegg, so Gordon will be compelled to bring her the floor.)

Went to get straw.

Sat down again.

Realized I forgot the paper towels.

Gordon inspecting my offering.

2 weeks and a day until Vito can go home.

Mat fell in love with him and Danica.

By the time Nica is done with her peep, his flock will be out of quarantine.

Raddish got his second dose of wormer.

If his throat swab is clean tonight, he'll go out to the loft in the morning.

Raddish is very upset about wormer-get, and wants a bath.

Brightheart lost another scab layer.

He is so beyond done with my shit...

I trimmed his crest to keep it out of the blood when he itches those off.

Speaking of itches, Ibis was supposed to leave quarantine tomorrow, but she still has lice.

I found an adult and some hatchlings.

She's really tight-feathered, so getting her sufficiently dipped is a bit of a bitch..

Pants is on his last day of Trich meds.

He didn't have any worms, so he'll just join the flock on their schedule.

Charlie is standing like a pigeon!

She gets wormed tomorrow and then the last thing I'll have to worry about is lice.

Everyone who still needs it gets dipped on Sundays.

Today has not been my fucking day.

The humidity is so intense that I have to come in every few minutes because within five, I get dizzy.

aaaand a wasp got lost in my skirt and panicked when I did not let her out soon enough.

my ass and hips have been stung five times, and my skin and the only work skirt not in the washer or dryer is covered in scared wasp beacon pheromones.

Patron: "I have switched to ivermectin sheep drench for lice. One drop in each armpit.  It worked for my flock's lice that seemed to never quite go away otherwise. And it's less traumatic for the bird."

Interesting.

I know that works well for swift body lice, but I use Ivermectin for worms.  

If it worked on long bodied feather lice, I would not still have new birds covered in them.

Patron: "It worked on mine including the three I just picked up."

"They had them visibly, and pretty bad. Now none."

"I use it orally for worms. This is a liquid that I apply directly to the skin."

Does it not get into the bloodstream when ingested?

Not trying to be a smartass. Genuine question.

Patron: "I dunno the mechanism. Just that this works and orally doesn't."

"This says one drop, but I was told to do 2."

Every time I have used anything you just apply to the armpit or nape of the neck, there have still been lice every time I have checked.

Patron: "I can send you some to try it. I have a lifetime supply. Lol"

I have had to look very carefully for them, but they have always still been present.  

I have some for worms.

Pigeons always drink before they bathe, and I got it as a back up if the worm out gel didn't work.

Patron: "It probably does get into the bloodstream but not at a high enough concentration to kill maybe"

That's a distinct possibly.

I will be back.  

I am not allergic to wasps, but sensitive enough that a sting triggers nerve pain flare ups elsewhere.

By executive order, I'm taking the rest of the day off once everyone is fed, and I do not have words for how upset I am to need to stop every fucking cleaning day since Khou died because my ability to physically function keeps quitting on me for one reason or another.

I have maybe finished unaided twice.

And I'm so goddamn tired of either my brain or body quitting on me when I need them.

My bird picked me.

I had a break down in the loft, and diamond got into my lap.

When I went to pet her, she jumped off. She had only wanted treats.

But then Cotta got up into my lap.

When I tried to offer him a treat, he took it gently from my fingertips, spat it out, and bowed his head like Ankhou used to to get me to pet him.

I expected that he'd nope out, but he did actually cuddle closer when I pet him and let me cuddle with him until I was done crying.

But now my husband's bird is jealous and trying to win me back.

Cheeto...

Make up your goddamn mind.

[there-will-be-a-way]

hey i was wondering - i saw the post about structured days and one of our therapy goals is to eventually hit that point, how long did it take in therapy to get to that point + do you have any tips?

Hi!! 💙

I was diagnosed with DID six years ago and am now at a point where most of the time I can structure my days well. 👍🏻 I was only in therapy for a portion of that time though. Two years, I think. Everyone learns things in their own time though, so it's perfectly fine if you're quicker to reach that goal or if it takes you longer. 💙

The first step to structuring my days is always planning everything that needs to get done. Then I decide how to use my free time. It's also very important to me to be serious about my sleep schedule meaning I get up and go to bed at the same time every single day. 💙 (Sometimes I fail but that's okay. ✌🏻) I learned that having a routine is super helpful with managing switching, because after some time parts get used to it and learn when it's a good time for them to be present and when they'd rather stay inside. To give you an example, here's what my days look like:

8am: waking up - and if I feel unmotivated to start the day, do a quick morning meditation

8:20: take care of the horses

9: breakfast 🙏🏻

9:30: check my messages and reply to friends (my social parts know to be present then ^^)

10:30: chores (my everyday life parts learned to be around for this chunk of the day 💙)

12pm: lunch

12-1pm: Writing (aka Aiden time)

1-3: nap lol (time for exhausted parts to rest)

3-5: free time

5: take care of the horses

6: workout - and on rest days gentle movement like going for walks or roller skating (so my exercise loving parts like to show up for this 👍🏻)

7:30: dinner

8pm-2am: free time

As you can see, I do a wide variety of things everyday that already make a lot of my parts happy. The two chunks of free time is what we fight for. 🙌🏻 Usually we take turns. If Aiden had like 10 whole chunks of free time in a row to write (which happens so often lol), we make room for the gaming loving parts to play whatever they want to for an hour or two. Or we give one small chunk to someone who likes to watch YouTube videos.

First thing I think you gotta do if you want to make sure all of your parts are happy with your daily structure is figure out the needs of your parts and then incooperate them into your days. Needs can look like rest, fun, movement, learning, social activities, spiritual practices etc.. You learn about these needs by building communication with parts and getting to know them. The more needs you fulfill everyday the, the happier and more content you will be (in my experience).

In my opinion it's super important to still have your overall life goals be the number 1 priority when it comes to planning days though. It's easy to get lost in everyone's wishes, so I consciously focus on what brings us all forward and you can see that in my planning. Like how fitness is so important to me (because my life goal is to be invincible ngl) and writing (I want to make an income as an author before I turn 30). So the evening chunk of free time more often than not goes to writing because of how I prioritize things. 💙

It's a lot of trial and error tbh. Took me years to build this routine and some days I still mess up. Don't want to do chores. Am on social media for far too long. But the most important thing is to try again and again to get your life in order.

Okay that was super rambly. My brain is soup right now. 🥴 I hope it was still at least somewhat helpful. If you have more questions, let me know. 💙

[Disclaimer: I'm just some dude talking from their personal experience so take everything I say with a grain of salt 💙💙]

[stayarmytinyzenmoa-l]

Infatuation [Ch. 1]

University AU

TW: Unsettling Themes, Obsessive Themes, Stalking, Language

Genre: Suspense, Thriller, Psychological Horror

Pairing: [Choose Your Ending] Kim Jungwoo x Reader; Jung Sungchan x Reader; Na Jaemin x Reader; Suh Johnny x Reader

YN Pronouns: Female (She/Her)

(1/5) [Character Profiles] | [Previous] | [Ending Links Down Below]

[Main Masterlist] | [Infatuation Masterlist]

Word Count: 3.5K

Notes: Hehe, only one chapter for this one. The four endings are going to be longgggggg though muahahahaa, I hope you enjoy this regardless, I have a lot in plan for the endings. They’re going to be similar to Zemblanity’s Ten’s ending, in which they switch between points of views, so I expect them to be rather long, but that’s not set in stone so far, still a lot of planning to go, hehe. Anyway, enjoy, lovelies!

Disclaimer: Please remember that this is an AU and a work of fiction, obviously the idols mentioned/written about in this story would never partake in or condone these actions. I would never wish any of these actions to occur to the Idol(s) mentioned in the writings of these stories, nor do I wish any harm on them.

You woke up naturally, the early sunlight hitting your face rather annoyingly through the small space between your otherwise blackout curtains. You groaned and turned over, digging your face in your pillow. Then your phone started blaring loudly, and you turned back over and grabbed it, seeing Renjun’s contact picture lit up across the screen. You answered it begrudgingly.

“Hello?” You tried not to sound pissed, but you were never a morning person.

“You were asleep, weren’t you?”

“Yeah, no shit.”

“(Y/N), what time is it?” Renjun sounded tired. You pulled your phone away from your ear for a moment to look at the time and, suddenly, it felt like you had been awake for the last few hours. You grabbed your alarm clock and saw that you had mistakenly set the alarm to 6 pm aside from the morning and you fought back the urge to yell aloud while you shoved the blankets off of you.

“Oh my god! Oh my god,” you bolted out of bed, Renjun now on speaker, while you got ready. “God, why didn’t you call me sooner, Jun?!” You struggled to pull your pants on, tripping over your foot at least once.

“Usually you don’t sleep through your 8ams, but here I am, corrected.”

“Renjun!”

“Somi and I are saving you a seat in the classroom right now, our usual spot, and the prof hasn’t shown yet so you should be good! Take your time, okay?”

“Yeah, alright, alright,” you grabbed a shirt off of a random hanger and threw it on, praying that the outfit at least looked decent.

“Want me or Somi to come over? Or I can call my brother?” Renjun asks. You thought to the older Huang, who lived with his roommates in the next building over, same floor and everything, it just took two walkways to get to him. You had met the older Huang before Renjun actually, having run into him while you were moving in, and you met Renjun in class, seeing them together was a mere coincidence and since then you had developed a small relationship with him, nothing big, just a simple ‘if-we-see-each-other-we-will-give-a-silent-wave-of-acknowledgment.’ Needless to say, you definitely weren’t close enough to suddenly unload your possible stalker problem to him, and you were glad that Renjun agreed to keep the matter between your small trio of friends.

“Huh? No, it’s fine,” you dismissed the thought.

“But you said that you’ve felt like someone’s following you, right?”

Right, you pushed that conversation to the back of your mind. You felt bad for suddenly unloading on your two friends about your situation, and you were more than certain that you were just imagining things at this point. Not to mention that your small scene, no matter how quiet you tried to be, must have annoyed some of the café goers, and the embarrassment for the otherwise dire situation was enough to make you want to crawl in a ball and stay there. Part of you wanted to go to the police, but you had no grounds, no evidence, just a perpetual feeling that someone was watching you. Even now, in the safety of your apartment, you couldn’t feel relaxed. There’s no way that anyone would have so much interest in you to just follow you. It didn’t make sense, you considered yourself average at best, but still, that lingering feeling of someone simply watching you spiraled your mind into horrible thoughts of lingering possibilities. You didn’t want to think about it, all of those crime documentaries you watched suddenly became much more terrifying with the idea that you could end up on some unsolved missing person’s case.

No, you were just being paranoid.

Surely.

“Well… yeah, but I’m sure that I’m just being paranoid, you know?” You tied your shoes quickly, and rather sloppily, but you could always fix that later.

“Are you sure? I want you to be safe, you know.”

“I’m sure, thank you, Jun!” Renjun hung up the phone for you and you shoved your phone into your back pocket. You grabbed your makeup bag and pushed it into your backpack, you would just have to do a quick look on the bus, and you dashed out of your apartment, checking twice to be sure it was locked before leaving, and, right as you turned around to rush to the stairs, your shoulder collided with another person. “Ah, sorry! I’m sorry!” You said to him before rushing down the stairs. You were able to just barely catch the bus, and you slid into your usual spot on while you pulled out your makeup bag. Another person ran onto the bus right before the driver closed the doors and you snuck a curious glance, but as soon as you realized that it was the same person you ran into you quickly turned your attention back to your pocket mirror.

Curiosity would be the death of you, you turned your mirror just so you could barely see him sitting behind you, he had his headphones on and was bobbing his head slightly to the rhythm of whatever it was he was listening to. You recognized him, he was in your biology class, if you recalled correctly, you had sat near him a number of times and you had discussions together, but you never really took the time to have a proper conversation with him, and you were surprised to know that he lived in the same apartment complex as you. You were applying your lipgloss on when he looked up, making eye contact with you on the mirror, and you quickly shut the mirror and closed the lipgloss tube, playing it off easily. You could tell that he was about to say something, but the bus came to its first stop. Usually, you’d come off here to grab a coffee on the way, but you were horribly late for Lit, but then again you’d rather avoid a conversation, so you rushed out, staying as casual as you could so as not to make an awkward situation more awkward.

You walked into the Starbucks quickly and stood in the rather short line, waiting for your turn. The analog clock on the wall read 8:07 am.

Well, already late for class, there’s no point in rushing over now, by the time you got onto campus the class would have been long finished. You were about the text Somi and Renjun when the barista called you over.

“Next in line!” The barista’s voice was strangely melodic, and one you didn’t recognize. He shot you a bright smile, something you weren’t used to from the other employees who were often half asleep at this time. It was strange, you could’ve sworn you’ve seen this guy before, but you couldn’t remember when. Why was he so familiar? You couldn’t figure it out, that is, unless maybe you saw him in passing on campus. “What can I get you?” His question put your thoughts at a halt.

“Just a black coffee please, regular if you can,” you answered.

“Coming right up,” he says. “And the name?”

“(Y/N),” you answered.

“Perfect, are you signed up for our rewards?” He asks.

“You guys have a rewards system?” You vaguely recalled that since this Starbucks was from the university itself the rewards system didn’t work, you couldn’t even order off of the app, which had long been Renjun’s one complaint about the location, but looks like he wouldn’t have to worry anymore.

“Just started it in this location, yes,” he says.

“Sure, I’d like to sign up then,” you shrugged, you came here nearly every day so you’d might as well. You gave him your phone number and email address and he signed you up for the program.

“Awesome then, you’ll be receiving promotional emails from now on then, I’ll get started on your order,” he says.

“Thank you,” you read his name tag, despite your frequent visits you didn’t recognize this employee, he must have been new or something, you recalled the help wanted sign in front of the coffee shop a few weeks back, and after a small pang of regret for not applying for a job, you said his name, “Johnny.” You figured that you’d learn his name considering that you were a frequent regular.

“No problem,” he says. You moved over to one of the couches and sat at the end of it, pulling your phone out fully ready to text Somi and Renjun, but Somi beat you to it.

“(Y/N)! Your order is here!” Johnny places the coffee on the pickup end and you took it without another word, exiting the café as fast as you can, ready to shoot another text to Somi and Renjun. As soon as you opened the door, you ended up, well, hitting someone. You watched him fall back and drop all of his books on the ground and took a second to process that you basically just shoved him over before you tried to help him back up.

“Sorry! Oh my god, I’m so sorry, I don’t know why I wasn’t paying attention! Are you alright?” You picked up his glasses and handed them to him, he took them slowly and put them back on, growing wide-eyed as soon as he saw you. You didn’t even know how he fell back that hard unless you both weren’t paying attention, and a wave of guilt washed over you. You both stood there in an awkward silence, your hand stretched out to help him up before he quickly grabbed his things.

“Sorry,” he mumbled more incoherent words before getting up himself and rushing into the café.

“Um… right then,” you stood up and brushed the dirt off of your jeans before walking away. You took small sips of your coffee, your attention focused on your phone while you went through class announcements and deleted various emails from your inbox.

“No! Oh no!” Someone’s voice screamed out. You looked up and watched a rather tall man run out of a pet store, chasing down what looked to be a bunny running down the sidewalk and right towards you. You bent down to block off the bunny, and it stopped right in front of you. You held one of your hands on the floor so it could move close to you, and you tried not to make any sudden movements, and slowly you stroked the bunny’s fur, trying best to calm it down. You used to have pet bunnies in your old house before you moved to be closer to your university, and looks like that much paid off. The man stopped nearby too and bent down, picking up the bunny from your hands. “Thank you,” he mumbled it quickly before rushing back into the pet store.

You recognized him a bit, you and Somi had gone into that pet store before because she was trying to figure out if she wanted to get a pet and she was doing her research, it was a rather small pet store and you were certain that he was the only other employee save for the pet store’s owner, and you were glad that you were able to help him out so he wouldn’t get in trouble, but he was just such an… eccentric person, he wouldn’t stop staring at you and mumbling things while you and Somi were looking at the bunnies that you couldn’t help but feel rather awkward. You grabbed your coffee again from the spot next to you and continued on your way.

“That was weird,” you mumbled to yourself. You decided to walk the rest of the way to campus, it was only about four more blocks away and, hey, you could use the fresh air. You popped in one of your earbuds and shuffled your playlist while you walked down the city, it was such a nice day, and with two hours to spare until your next class, you were taking your time. Until you heard a car honk next to you. You were about to go off on this person until you saw who it is.

“Hey! If it isn’t (Y/N)!” Hendery had a wide smile on his face and Kun, who was driving, waved at you. “On your way to campus?”

“Yup, just grabbed a coffee and decided to walk, you know?”

“Need a lift?” Hendery asks.

“I don’t mind,” Kun speaks up next. Then the back window rolls down and Yangyang stuck his head out.

“(Y/N), what’s up?” He asks.

“Nothing much,” you laughed. “Thanks for the offer you guys, but no, I think I’ll just continue this way, haha,” you insisted. You didn’t want to be a bother to them, and for once that feeling that someone was watching you wasn’t as prevalent, you wanted to enjoy this time.

“If you say so, (Y/N). See you later then, tell my little brother I said hi!” Hendery waved goodbye to you as Kun remerged back into the main street. You let out a soft sigh, you really hope that Renjun didn’t even allude anything to his older brother, it would be such a hassle for you to deal with it, and not to mention a hassle for him too. Again, to reiterate, you were never really that close with Hendery, and you only had calc discussion with Yangyang so there was that, aside from them you hadn’t even had a proper conversation with the other, what, five roommates of his? You shook your head and continued on your way to campus.

The rest of the walk wasn’t as long as you had expected, maybe it was because you were walking a little faster, maybe because you were listening to music, who knows? You tossed the now empty coffee cup into the waste bin and walked into the Humanities building and, with four minutes to spare, you waited outside of the Literature classroom for your two friends, you didn’t want them to worry any more than you have made them. Soon, the door opened and your classmates filed out, with Somi and Renjun being last as always.

“(Y/N)!” Somi’s eyes lit up and Renjun followed close behind. “You didn’t miss much of anything, we were just analyzing Emily Dickinson.”

“Ugh, I can never follow her poetry,” Renjun shakes his head.

“Because you are a man,” Somi wraps one arm around your shoulders and the other around Renjun’s while she guides both of you out of the hallway. “You aren’t meant to understand it the way women do.”

“Clearly,” Renjun laughs. “It’s due tonight at 11:59, so you don’t have to stress out about it too much, (Y/N). He uploaded the assignment file to the class website, so you should be fine.”

“Good then,” you yawned. “I have a couple of hours until bio if you guys want to do anything?”

“Ah, no can do, I have Media Studies in ten,” Somi looked at her watch.

“Isn’t the Media building over there,” Renjun points behind him and Somi laughs.

“Yes, but, unlike you, I have long legs that will get me places faster.”

“We are literally the same height,” Renjun glowers at her.

“Yeah, yeah, short stack,” she laughed, “are you guys busy this weekend?”

"Jun and I were going to study for our calc midterm, why?”

“Well, there’s a party over in Nu Gamma Tau, and I’d like my main bitches to come with me,” she plasters on a wicked grin, and a similar one rose on your face, Renjun, on the other hand, glowered.

“Don’t you remember the last time we went to one of their parties?” He says. “Somi, you got so drunk that you sprayed silly string on Johnny Suh. As in, star pitcher of KNU’s baseball team, you sprayed silly string on him.”

“Best night of my life,” Somi grins. “That and I have to return this,” she pulled a letterman jacket out of her backpack and both yours and Renjun’s jaws dropped. Embroidered on the side of the black and green jacket were the greek letters ΝΓΤ.

“How the hell did you get that?! Who’s is it?!” You asked her. Somi turned it around, the last name ‘Nakamoto’ embroidered on the back, and Renjun placed his hand on your chin and closed your hanging jaw. “Shut up.”

“No! We didn’t do anything, oh my god, I was just so drunk he took me home,” she laughed.

“Yuta Nakamoto, the forward of our soccer team, took you home?” Your smile turned into one of disbelief.

“Yes, that’s why I have it, and now I want to return it, so please can we go? At least you, (Y/N)! Junnie can stay home and study, I guess,” Somi laughs.

“No way, after what you both pulled at the last party, I’m designated driver,” he says.

“So that’s a ‘yes’ from you then?” Her eyes shone. Renjun sighs, knowing full well that Somi set that up for him.

“Yeah,” he says. She looks at you now.

“Well, what the hell? Sure, I’ll go with you guys,” you nodded your head.

“Yay! I love you guys so much,” she hugs you tighter for a moment before speaking up again, “anyway, I should be going, I’ll see you tomorrow in discussion, (Y/N)!” She releases both you and Renjun and turns around, waving back before running off.

“Where does she get all of that energy?” Renjun sighs. “I can’t even look straight this early in the morning,” he shakes his head.

“Pulled another all-nighter, I’m guessing?”

“Yeah, I stayed in the library all night,” he says.

“Alone? You should’ve told me, I would’ve stayed with you.”

“No, it’s fine, Jaemin was there,” Renjun shrugs. “He saw that I was sitting alone in the study room so he joined me, didn’t really say much.”

“Who?”

“What do you mean ‘who?’ (Y/N) he has the top grades in Chemistry right now. He even gave you that study guide for the quiz,” Renjun’s eyebrows furrowed together. You thought back to him, Jaemin specifically, right, how could you forget him? You had even personally gone up to him to ask for the study guide.

“Oh crap,” you shook your head.

“What? What’s wrong?”

“I shoved him over today on accident,” you covered your eyes with your hand, even more embarrassed than before. “Neither of us were paying attention when I opened the door at Starbucks and all of his things fell all over the floor.”

“Ha, nice going, (Y/N),” Renjun snickers.

“It was totally weird, and he didn’t even say anything to me but like he stared at me for a while. Then he picked up his things and rushed past me.”

“I mean, maybe he was in a rush?” Renjun says. “And maybe it’s just me but I wouldn’t say anything either if I got shoved that hard, it’s too embarrassing.”

“God, I’ll have to make it up to him somehow, that is so embarrassing,” you were more annoyed at the rising heat coming up to your face than anything else. You wondered how you could even approach the student, he was in a league of his own nearly. It was intimidating enough to ask him for the study guide, despite his not so intimidating presentation of himself, you felt inadequate to even look at him. Renjun shook his head and looked at his phone.

“Heading out?”

“Yeah, I have Physics lecture, want to come with? I know you’re not taking it this semester, but why not, right?”

“Sure, I have an hour to spare anyway,” you both walked into the physics building and, immediately, as if it never left and if anything is now stronger, that horrifying feeling of being watched came back.

Who was it?

Who was there?

You looked around you, nothing but a sea of students.

It was crazy, insane almost, but maybe it was one of them?

Could it even have been one of them? Or are you just horridly paranoid? You were one to overthink things all the time, and when you circled your arm around Renjun’s, it seems that he got the idea and made sure to push past the crowd to sit in the back corner of the lecture hall as opposed to the normal front row seat. You looked around the lecture hall and at the students filing in, did any of them stand out to you? At all? You couldn’t tell, and so your mind wandered. Could it have been...

[That new barista?]

[The chemistry student?]

[The pet shop worker?]

[The student on the bus?]

[No, it must have been someone else.]

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