#I started this at 10 am this morning
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I started drawing this next day after I finished Act 6
13 or so days and it's finished!
Main things are traditional and Loop's body was edited digitally after
Unedited it looks like this
I've been torn on how to do Loop's body for the entirety of lining, also
A bit sad the main lines are visible only as a wip, most of this thing is literally just a ton of sharp lines
I think it's also my first day of drawing, Loop is just a sketch here (feat. my leg)
I even finished the beans before it so they were a moral support, because if you let me things like this take a year
#fanart#my art#isat#isat fanart#in stars and time#isat loop#loop#traditional art#artists on tumblr#Phew#So anyway this was my way of figuring out my thoughts after finishing the game#I didn't even actually finish it with credits playing at that moment#This type of art is my therapy#And in a way literally how my personality works from big figures to small details of thinking about anything#It's really calming!#I won't tag paper figures but they're here#Like special guests#In any case the funniest thing was showing this to my English teacher and she was like 'wow this looks stressed' or something#Like she immediately looked at the lines and after I showed her my old Flowey drawing like this she was like#'oh it makes sense! This one looks calm but this one is clearly you not feeling good'#Because I was kinda#Like sitting there in the semi-park and feeling sick since morning before I started drawing this and slowly I got better#I already talked about this on my first 'big' isat thing - I needed to think a bit#And not think at the same time just literally letting myself sort stuff out#Like. I fell asleep at 6 am that day and woke up at 10 4 hours of sleep after playing full Act 5 and two hats stuff IS STRESSFUL#SUPER STRESSFUL! Like I felt like I was playing for 4 hours while sleeping#Anyway by the time I finished it aka today I'm feeling way better and I'm literally talking a walk right now#Touching grass as we speak#Anyway phew!#Now to that animatic that's plaguing my mind to draw it nowww
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#one piece#sanji#black leg sanji#everysanji#sbs#this is going to be entirely unrelated to the sbs above here bc i havent seen reservoir dogs#but i feel like i havent done a little tag life update in a minute#as of time of queuing this the season has been going for about a week#work hasnt been too bad we're normally done closing by like 3:45 but we still have to wait for the bus#which doesnt leave until almost 5 which. i get it.#like the lifties dont get done til after 4 and same with retail and such#bc rentals arent due until 4:15 so they have to stay open for at least that long#but man its not fun just chilling in the lodge for over an hour until the busses start loading#but the work is fine i'm enjoying it enough#hopefully by the time this posts i'll have been able to start taking my ski lessons which i'm super excited for#i want to learn to ski so so bad#also!! i managed to befriend one of the ski instructors on accident#he's from the same area i am as well so we talked a lot about that lol#but he's sweet i like talking to him#i made a comment about how my brother was getting so old bc he turns 18 in june and he went#so what does that make me#sorry but you are 21 you are baby to me (a whole 24 years old)#the difference is i've known my brother for his whole life and you for all of like. three days#but yeah that's mod's life so far its been chill#but man i get winded just climbing the stairs up to the lodge every morning#tbf we are at like. 11000 feet above sea level so like#the air is suuuuuuuuper thin#also we're right along the continental divide too#its beautiful 10/10 would recommend#also editing this on 11/21 to add the steve buschemi screengrab
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hm. probably should unpack why I feel the need to do a funny little stand-up routine for every cab driver and call center employee I have to interact with for more than 5 minutes
in other news guess how much time I’ve spent on the phone with AAA in the last 24 hours
#time something under my car went clank and started dragging on the ground: 4 PM yesterday#time AAA sent me home in a cab yesterday: 7 PM#time the tow truck finally actually got to my apartment building with my car: 2 AM this morning#it has been a comedy of fucking errors over here folks#currently waiting on another tow truck to take my car to the actual mechanic. eta 10:30 but i am frankly skeptical#on the bright side they would usually charge for this second tow but i told them what happened yesterday and they were audibly horrified#and waived the fee
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Posted this a few weeks back. Here are the bracelets I've now finished for Wild Kratts Live
The Martin one is mine, the Aviva for my cousin, and the Jimmy for my uncle since well. he is the one taking us in the first place jhsjdhs
I also was the first user of our cricut and I made these (again, the Martin one is mine and the Aviva one is my cousin's)
Also the paw prints on the bracelets glow in the dark heh
#I literally am awake past two in the morning because of those dang shirts (it was a trial and error process which I started after 10 so idk)#but I love them so much !!!!#I couldn't stop stimming as I was making em shdhsh#Anyway yeah those kids are gonna be jealous for sure AKSKDFHSJSAJ#wild kratts#kiwi scraps#my art#rainbow loom#cricut
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pls i need to provide updates
#basically yesterday night was chaharshanbe suri . which is a solar new yr tradition where we let go of the past suffering in our year#and like...start the new yr w fresh vigour . anyway so my friend was at the event and we were abt to leap over the fire#and she was like bro im im glad u blocked her (situationship) etc etc . and then. my phone started vibrating. and i look at it. and my f#friend looks at it. and its her. and were both like what the fuck?? i blocked her things r Over and anyway so i pick up the phone and shesl#acting like nothing happened (bc nothing DID happen for her) and she was like ohh ur doing chaharshanbe suri im not doing anything etc what#are ur new yr plans so i jusr .IDK WHY I DID THIS . but ig i didnt wanna come off as like lonely i said probably hanging out w family and#friends maybe reading poetry together . et cetera and she was like wait that sounds so fun why didnt u invite me!#LIKE WDYM YOUVE BEEN CONSISTENTLY MAKING IT CLEAR U DONT WANT TO BE IN MY PRESENCE . and i told her that after#everything i thought she didnt want to see me again and she was like you always think that 😐 . like. ?? ok anyway so she expects me to#invite her . and like. there is an above 0% but sub-5% chance she will actually show up . but the panic that gripped me#i started making calls to my friends asking them if they can come on the 23rd bc there must be an event and also i asked my mother#and she said actually yeah i am doing a thing on the 23rd :D it involves over 16 ppl (we live in a v small flat) of which like...7 are kids#so you wont have space to be in ur own room let alone invite others. which tbh like ...being around a bunch of loud kids doesnt seem fun fo#any of my friends or me etc so i thought maybe i should arrange things so that we all go out together and if she shows up she shows up 🤷♀️#but . im so. WHY DID I SAY THAT . i had to panic-call my research partner and ask him to get from oxf to where i live on the 23rd#and when he heard the explanation he like. the light in his voice disappeared 💀 but he potentially agreed so idk#THE ISSUE IS. 23rd im supposed to also have . a date#w this girl that i had a huge crush on when i was 15-16 (posted abt this b4 but id get shitty black coffee in the mornings just to spend a#few more minuted w her each day and she was the cleverest girl in school and she cared abt nothing but her academics but now shes very gay#scraggly homosexual etc etc shes cute) and YEAH IDK#like id have to go there on the date come back fast meet ppl POTENTIALLY (again under 5%) meet situationship girl#like is that even doable#but the thing is it would be so so so funny bc all of my friends dislike her sooo much#.........what if i invited the girl im supposed to have a date w over to hang out w us#god that would be so hilarious and chaotic . i wont do it tho im a mature person x#but it would be soooo funny#I HAVE AN ASSIGNMENT DUE TMRW 12:30PM IT IS 10:49PM RN I HAVENT STARTED IT bc i was rotting sadly in bed#popped a ritalin pill tho so here we go x#i have found myself in a state of such sheer agony and rage and sorrow and grief over this girl that atp i feel like#its just so entertaining . like i feel vaguely over it? ik nothing will come of it so its like just . have fun . vibe
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chat i am NOT appreciating the stares i got from walking across campus to cvs in my hoodie and sweatpants as if we didn’t just sit through ANOTHER hurricane like chill man i didn’t sleep well let me get my monster to finish my logic homework in peace 😭
#spent all night having not quite nightmares not quite stress dreams#periodically woken up by storm noises (sleeping with your back to a window during a hurricane when you get shellshock from loud storm noises#- is NOT a fun experience i would not recommend)#and THEN getting woken up at 5 am by an emergency alert warning about flash floods until like 11:45 when i have a 10 am class that morning 🙃#luckily my professor cancelled class for that (and my other class was cancelled for it to)#but tbh i was NOT gonna walk 7 minutes to the second farthest building on campus through that either way#i was just gonna send him a pdf of my homework and say ‘i’m not walking through a flash flood for this class sorry 😭’#also my school didn’t do shit for this?? they’ve been sending us emails all week about dangerous weather#but made SURE to add in all caps in every one that classes and stuff will go on as normal#cofc doesn’t stop until we’re dead i guess what the fuck 😭#scratch that i mean everything’s as normal except half of our dining halls are closed. so i have to walk 7 minutes out for food anyway 🙃#BECAUSE MY SNACK STASH IS DEPLETED BECAUSE ITS BEEN JANKY ALL WEEK 🙃🙃🙃#what was this post about again??#WAIT AND THEN THE NORMAL ‘AROUND CAMPUS’ ROUTE I TAKE TO MY HOUSE WAS CLOSED#SO I HAD TO GO THROUGH THE MAIN PART OF CAMPUS#IN MY HOODIE & SWEATS & CARRYING MY MONSTER & POP TARTS#WHILE THERE WERE LIKE THREE TOUR GROUPS STANDING THERE I WANNA DIEEEEEE#wait i can’t say that anymore. uhhh hold on let me find the list. ummm. ‘i’m gonna start a scam company’ there we go.#grace being stupid#text post#personal
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Bhansali really said let's shove the good freedom fighter sh*t into the last 40 or so minutes of this series i think we can get away with it. pray tell me what, exactly, did he expect me to do with that
#tv: heeramandi#heeramandi#manisha koirala#sonakshi sinha#aditi rao hydari#richa chadha#sanjeeda sheikh#sharmin segal#bollywood#local gay watches Bollywood.txt#local gay watches Heeramandi (and hopefully comes out intact).txt#sir.......................... i expected more from you. for what you did to Saima alone i am on your doorstep in your walls etc#it pains me to say this but Gangubai had better execution. we could have had Gangubai execution the vision was there it was just#interrupted by Sharmin's non-acting and the Heeramandi catfights in every ep. this should have been two seasons#granted. everyone else carried this sh*t on their backs like i was crying and shaking during some of Manisha's lines#if i had a nickel for every time i've seen her play a character who's been abused/assaulted by soldiers i'd have two nickels. bc we had#that in Dil Se as a flashback (at least if i'm not misremembering and it was her sister in that one)#and Sonakshi!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! woman with a face born to be in period dramas i am itching to start giffing some of her scenes come morning#bc the file quality is crisp. crisper than my eyesight apparenty sksksksk#anyway. 7.5/10 will rewatch but only the parts without Sharmin. at least what i can get away with without compromising the plot rip
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realizing i’m so funny and talking a lot and making a million plans right now is not because i am healing for a new year new me era but because i am entering a state of ✨hypomania✨
#i am still dealing with the consequences of my last hypomanic state#i literally just received money to help pay off all the credit card debt from my last reckless era#i need to pay off these debts and bills TODAY before i start booking trips to all these vacations i’ve invited all these ppl on in the last#24 hours 😭😭#the other morning i woke up and immediately went into full detail explaining to my mom how i could survive a zombie apocalypse#and today i drew a rectangle to represent this house that i remember and wanted her to remember it too bc i couldn’t remember whose house#it was#deadass i draw a rectangle and i was like ok so this is the house and i draw an oval to represent where we would park the car#that is it. that is the image and i expected her to remember where this house is 😭 she was like hey maybe we need to think about if youre#in a manic state because you’ve been on 10 for a few days now and going from rotting in my bed for weeks to THIS is giving ✨hypomania✨#hypomania#hypomanic#bipolar ii#strawberrybyers text post
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My cousin, a published writer, a well-known poet in my country and a literature professor, for whom I've always been no.1 support ever since her first attempts at writing in high school, told me that I must stop writing as a hobby because that's her thing and since I'm writing fantasy mostly my writing could never have any important artistic value anyways.
#what happened was that i was feeling really down these past few days#like mental health dead in mariana trench#and i went to visit her because she lives like 10 minutes away and has a cat i can play with#but yesterday morning a friend of mine made a fanart (i guess i can call it that) of a fanfic i am writing for the five of them#she sent it to me and said she's also working on an actual painting on a camvas of her fave scene from my original story#and i was so surprised and exicted#that's actually a too mild description#and when i was visitting my cousin i showed her the pic of the drawing on my phone and explained it to her and she just said ....ehh..#and started texting someone#i was sitting there feeling stupid and thinking wow you could have at least praised my friend's art sytle or something#and when i was getting ready to leave she asked me if i was aware my writing has no artistic merit and fantasy is trivial literature#so i should just stop wasting time on that and focus on developing my art style more for her future poetry collections#i do the art for her book covers#and added how we already have an established writer in the family so i should focus on my role - becoming a good pharmacist#and she knows how much i hate that i'm studying pharmacy like it's the no.1 cause of me hating the direction in which my life is going#finished it off by saying she feels like what she's doing in going to be really great and important on a large scale one day#and how she wants me to continue being her shadow that follows and supports her#i left went home and started at a wall for hours#i just feel so dumb for getting excited over a silly drawing of something not more than 5 people will ever read#i genuinely hate the idea of people reading anything i write so most likely writing will just remain a hobby for me#and now i feel like the most stupid person on earth and am this close to deleting all my word documents from both my laptops
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yknow what ive seen a lot of "gaster and chara fucking hated each other" headcanons but ive seen very little of the opposite. which to me is kinda sad bc imo its a better, more fun interpretation.
i like to imagine gaster looked at this hurt, traumatized child and saw a bit of himself in them. and so he offered them advice.
yall know the smile theory? that smiling make monsters stronger in a way? that it can stave off death, even if for a short while, etc? that *thats* the significance of it, the reason why its so tied to gaster? that could very well be the reason chara is known for their smile, too.
i nean- theyre a child who was so badly hurt they were practically obsessed with the concept of finality—a state in which they are too powerful to be hurt by anyone. i can see them not smiling almost at all when they first fell (what is there to smile about?) until they hear from gaster that a smile is protection. when you smile, others cant hurt you as bad. a smile is like armor. he smiles to stay safe because he knows all thats out there, all thats capable of harm.
and from then on chara smiles no matter what. they smile and laugh through the wordt moments. because they know now this is their armor. their protection.
i rhink they would admire gaster. his efforts for monsterkind, his advice to them. i think theyd see him as someone trustworthy (in my own personal headcanon, he knew about their and asriels plan. not fully, i mean, but he knew the lengths chara could go to. and the only reason he knew was because he would do the same. chara told him because they saw a kindred spirit)
i like to think gaster is crushed post charas death. i also like to think that, if chara remembers gaster after their "revival", *then* they would have issues. we know nothing about gaster canonically, sure, but in my own headcanon and theory world, the things he does make less and kess sense to chara, align less with their worldview and their beliefs. and only then do they clash with him. because at first he was someone they genuinely loved, someone they admired.
anyway, i think gaster thought of them almost as family. he cared for them deeply, always ready to give advice or comfort or teach them or. really anything. they would sit and talk for hours about the world and their personal philosophies and findings. i want gaster, like the dreemurrs, to be part of the loving world chara never got to experience on the surface rather than yet another enemy. you know?
#might be a lil disjointed its like 5 am#i generally think of gaster as someone with a lot of love to give. its not that he cant hate. he just. feels its better to love#and he loves this child as his own. and asriel too ofc. i think those two called him uncle#and hed let them play in his lab (supervised n away from dangerous shit)#and when their parents told them they couldnt do that anymore hed stabd in the open doorway and go#“oh no. the door is wide open. i sure do hope no children go through this wide open door into my lab. gosh that would be horrible”#and theyd giggle and go through and hed cover for them every time#i like to rhink he taught chara piano#i think they talked a lot about humanity. i think he saw the war and therefore chara does t understand how he can be so nice to them#theyre human. doesnt he hate humanity? doesnt he hate what they did to him? to all monsterkind?#and he shakes his head and says those who did those things are no longer alive. it would be wrong to blame a people with no memory of a war#for its existence and its consequences. and even those who started it he barely blames. he knows what fear can do#chara doesnt understand how someone could be sk devoid of anger and of hatred and gaster tries to show them such things sre not necessary#anyway yeah i think they have long and deep conversations. which is kinda funny when you consider#gaster is (at the time) the smartest monster in the underground. authority on all things scientific and having live through years innumerabl#and his conversation partner is like. 10#he respects them nonetheless and its so foreign to them. and they love their conversations even if they dont agree#because they are allowed to state beliefs without being hurt for it#anyway i gotta stop yapping i needa sleep#undertale#chara undertale#gaster undertale#finking#i feel like im forgetting to tag smthn. if i am ig ill lament that in the morning or smthn
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ily bakugou katsuki u are the only thing that hasn't pissed me off today
#today i was basically told that i have to take all of my breaks at work back to back to back within one hour two hours after i clock in#which means that i don't get a break at all later during the night so i don't fucking Want that but i have no other choice because#i'm basically being cornered into doing it by one of the managers who texted my department lead and said i tried to get someone to#cover me for my break at “almost 7 when everyone is going home” which is a fucking lie i asked at 6#who the fuck wants to take all of their breaks in one hour two hours after they start their eight hour shift#i asked for someone to cover me at 6 because i had to use the bathroom really fucking badly and she was like#“why didn't you take them while the midshift was here” the midshift has a three hour overlap with my shift and i have to be clocked in#for at least two hours before i take any breaks at all and i don't want to take all of my breaks at once that soon#ONE HOUR BEFORE MY COWORKER LEAVES#and like we both have stuff to do????#all three breaks two hours into my shift then nothing for the next six fucking hours funniest joke i've ever heard in my entire life#except it's not a joke because it's from a manager so if i don't do this stupid ass shit i could get disciplined or fired#because they don't want to send anyone to cover for me#you know what's even funnier? i am the ONLY PERSON scheduled for these fucking 2-10 shifts except for our full time guy#my other coworkers? 4-10. i don't want this fucking 2-10 shift get me the fuck OFF OF IT#EATS MY ENTIRE FUCKING DAY#i woke up at 8:30am this morning and it still felt like my entire goddamn day was stolen from me because i wake up have time to myself for#about 5 hours out of my whole day then i have to get ready and get my ass to work until the end of the fucking day#tag rant#tag vent#bakugou katsuki#i feel like this is something i should call my union rep about but idk
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Do you think if I wish hard enough my mom will get electrocuted by a string of Christmas lights and just go up in a cloud of smoke. It’d be a Christmas miracle
#I’m not even DOWN THERE YET and I want to fucking KILL HER#I have to work Christmas Eve and the day after Christmas. I live four hours away from my family#I told her this MANY TIMES I said I’ll drive down after work on Christmas Eve be there Christmas morning but I need to leave by 3-4 to get#home at a reasonable hour so I can have time to unpack/catch up on a couple days of chores/get plenty of sleep#she called me last night and told me she didn’t schedule Christmas stuff until SIX PM#and when I said why tf did you do that I’m not staying that late#she got mad and upset and was like ‘it’s the only time everyone is free :(‘#BUT THEN proceeded to tell me we were having lunch with her HUSBAND’S family at noon#(ppl I am not close with never have been literally don’t talk to)#and everyone I know is like ‘just leave when you said you were going to anyways’#and like yeah I could but then my family is gonna be ENRAGED that I didn’t do Christmas stuff with them#and they’re like ‘well explain that your mom didnt listen to when you said you needed to leave’#but the thing is. no matter what. they’re going to take her side#I should sacrifice my time and comfort to spend time with them because they’re FAMILY#never mind that literally not a SINGLE ONE OF THEM has EVER come up to visit me#IM always expected to drive down there. but that sacrifice doesn’t count it’s not good enough#but if I stay that late I won’t be getting home until AT LEAST midnight or later#cuz my family has no fucking concept of time so if it starts at six that means it doesn’t ACTUALLY start until 7 so most of them might be#there by 8 so I’ll be expected to stay until at least 10 to sufficiently catch up with all of them#I’m going to scream I’m going to cry#if I leave early I’m the awful ungrateful terrible bitch who never comes to see any of them#but none of them could adjust their days by just a few hours to see me before I needed to leave#FOR MY FUCKING JOB !!!!!!!! SOMETHING COMPLETELY OUT OF MY CONTROL#and like the thing is. my piece of shit manipulative bitch mother#I KNOW she did this on purpose#I know she didn’t plan this until six to FORCE me to stay longer because she was mad I wasn’t staying long#(again… because of work… something I can’t control)#so she’s orchestrated this to put me in this position#where I have to suck it up and stay and be exhausted and have tired migraines for a week cuz I get only a couple hours of sleep and then#or leave and make everyone pissed. I hate her so FUCKING much
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alright here's the essay under the cut.
entirely just my experience w/ MASH, almost no editing [just spelling mistakes and a few apostrophe misuses]. fair warning, my father was [is] an alcoholic and a horrible person, and i mention that a bit, so if thats something you're sensitive to, bewarned.
My story with M*A*S*H begins a hundred years ago when I was somewhere between 5 and 8, old enough to watch television but not old enough to remember how old I was when I was doing it. The childhood I had was overall unremarkable, marred only by my pitiful excuse for a father that parented by either drinking or being hungover on the couch in between screaming at his children or beating his wife. Unfortunately, he is part of this story, but only accidentally. See, he used to do all that stuff in our unfinished basement, on an old ugly couch, hiding from his family all day. Then, eventually, he decided he liked the couch and television upstairs better, and plagued the family room for many years instead, putting whatever he wanted to watch on instead of letting his children watch cartoons. I ended up liking The Three Stooges quite a lot, less out of actually thinking it was fun and more out of it being the only thing he’d put on that I found remotely entertaining, so I was taking what I could get. We kept the old burned CDs he’d made of them after he moved out.
Anyway. My mother had (and still has) a television in her room (it used to be their room, but she kicked him out) that she could avoid him with. Not wanting to be around the violent cesspool of a person on my couch, I’d sometimes crawl to her room, so as not to let him see me and have him make me come over and listen to some music or whatever he wanted. Old guitarist reliving his glory days or something, I couldn’t tell you. But anyway, I’d enter her room and sit down on her bed with her or on the floor, and we’d watch TV. More often than not, she’d put on MeTV, because she watched those old shows with her own father, and it was a bright spot in her memory that gave her some escapism too. There were a lot of shows on there, but I only really ever remembered things like Gilligan’s Island, ALF, Columbo, Bewitched, The Twilight Zone, and, of course, M*A*S*H.
I liked the other shows, of course. I remember them fondly, especially Gilligan’s Island, maybe it was the catchy theme song with words I could learn. I didn’t like how brown and gross Columbo was, but my mom explained that that’s just how it looked back then. I thought the puppet on ALF was funny, and The Twilight Zone scared me, but I was still interested. I remember enough of Bewitched to remember the nose wiggle and constantly mix it up with I Dream of Jeannie for some reason. Really, anything was better than watching the same episode of Farscape again, which I’ve heard is actually a very good show, but my father kept forgetting that he’d already made me start watching it, and so every viewing session was just the pilot. That’s also the reason I never learned Spanish.
But then I got to M*A*S*H. I won’t lie to you and say that, as a wizened 5-to-8-year-old, I could ‘tell something was special’ about this show. It was a show. It was a show that I remember looking at my mom during, and seeing her really happy. Later she told me, after watching it with me in present day, that she would watch it with her own father, before her parents got divorced. Her father more or less was not present in her life after the split, and that happened when she was 14-ish. The show started airing when she was the age I was when I watched it with her, and she and her father made a weekly thing of it. Neither of us at that age should have watched it, but for both of us, it was forming a little bright spot in our minds, a good dream with a parent when times were tough.
I remember laughing, even if I didn’t get all the jokes. I remember thinking I liked the shade of red one of the characters wore, and also the shade of dark blue the same character wore sometimes. I remember one or both of my siblings being there sometimes, laughing along. One of my siblings told me recently that B.J. Hunnicutt and John ‘Trapper’ McIntyre, both filling roles as doubles partners for Benjamin Franklin ‘Hawkeye’ Pierce, had merged into the same person in their memory. I thought that was hilarious; how could they ever think those were the same person! B.J. Hunnicutt had a mustache! Imagine my surprise re-watching season 4’s opener, ‘Welcome to Korea’, featuring a clean-cut fresh-faced Mike Farrell, lacking the horse brush I had so clearly remembered him housing under his nose.
But the rewatching, yes, the rewatching. It started innocently enough. Between breaks at college, far beyond my young-youth, the real youth people mean when they use that word, my mother opened it up on the tv and put it on. No matter what era you go to in our household, the TV was always going. Most of the time no one was watching it, sometimes blatantly, loudly, explosively chattering and guffawing and gasping with our own business and ignoring it entirely. It was background noise, we all needed it, so we always had it. But something a little strange happened; my mother was watching it, as she often did when she put something on in the evenings to massage her brain to bed after a long day at work. I was typing away at something on my laptop, like I am now, sitting on the couch with her, which I am also doing now (although she’s long gone to bed), and I looked up.
I saw Hawkeye.
It didn’t feel like a rush of emotion, it didn’t feel like something important was happening. That was just my old friend. Looking absolutely horrible with the haircut he was rocking in the pilot, but I remembered him. The pilot doesn’t open with the theme, as I recognized that as soon as it played, it opens with golf, a little vignette of the camp before the choppers come in with wounded. I saw Hawkeye, I saw his shirt, and it really was like when you see an old friend, one you can’t really remember what all you did with, or where you met, or even each other’s names anymore, but you know they mean something to you. You knew this person, and you liked them, you liked them enough that even though you forgot everything else, you remember the love that was there.
And it was a very small thing that happened, and it didn’t happen with every episode, but I would pause my music. My own background noise to drown out everyone else’s background noise, blasting into my headphones. I’d pause my music, read the subtitles, hear them faintly through muffled ears, and laugh along. Smile when I’d see a smile, and a little more than half pay attention.
I went back to college, life went on, we only got maybe to the beginning of season two, but my mom didn’t continue without me. She waited, and eventually, I came home for the summer, summer of 2024.
She put it on again, and the same thing happened. But this time, I way more than half paid attention. I really paid attention. By the time we got to Abyssinia, Henry, I completely paused whatever I was doing when it was on and sat, laptop open, head at a 45 degree angle to watch the TV. I’d still futz around during commercial breaks, but I waited for the commercial breaks to do anything now. More and more it warmed my heart, to see all these old friends I’d forgot about, drag them all out of the closet, finally see B.J. Hunnicutt with that stupid mustache again for the first time in over 15 years at least—it was all so amazing. I was laughing at this show that came out over 20 years before I was even born. My parents hadn’t even met yet when this thing ended. Then, of course, because of the way my brain unfortunately works, it is now all I can think about it, to the point I’ve convinced several people to watch it just by virtue of never-shutting-the-hell-up.
And then? I finally got to see all my friends go home.
I remember the night I watched the finale with my mother. We’d gotten to the penultimate episode, and we’d paused. It was near 8ish, near my mother’s bedtime, and she and I both agreed we could not handle the finale that night, it was too much. And so we put on something, My Name is Earl, anything to make noise, something funny, something light. That’s how the next several days went; do we feel like we can handle the end? No. Tonight? Maybe tomorrow. Maybe after dinner? It was a long day.
But then, after dishes had been cleared and we were both sitting quietly, the sun had already gone down, and she proposes we watch it.
So we did.
I don’t cry at things anymore. I used to cry all the time as a kid, scraped knee, called an idiot by a sibling, way too much crying even for a kid. I got it out of my system, apparently, because now I’m an adult and I have trouble with making tears, and when they do come, they sneak up on me. The last time I remember crying was at my grandmother’s funeral, months ago, and before that, I have no idea. I get misty-eyed, sure, but nothing makes me boohoo.
The same held for the finale. Contrasted heavily by my mother, the woman that regularly cries at especially-touching commercials, shedding a few for every other scene (the bus revelation, the final meal, Charles’s music adventure finale, the wedding dress, every single goodbye, and of course the big one at the end), I was mostly quiet. I remember it ending, and thinking, well, that was about the best finale I’d ever seen. I also thought about how I’d seen strikingly few finales, and that I ought to see more series through til the end. I spoke with my mother a bit about it, we had some good moments from the program tossed back and forth, and she went to bed.
Then I took a shower, and after I got out, the floodgates busted. I was boohooing alright, blubbering too, but I couldn’t point to why. Sure, there were moments in the episode worthy of tears, but this was full sobbing, aching and pitiful and messy. I just left it as something not to worry about, and went on. Since then, on my own, I’ve rewatched select episodes, watched the finale (again) with the sibling that confused Trapper and B.J., done three paintings of stills from the show, made a miniature version of the signpost for my mom, and started writing again for the express purpose of doing things with these characters, and I’ve only now put a fine point on it. It’s a threefold answer of why I fell apart leaving the shower after watching an episode of television that aired 40 years ago.
The first is simple; I have got it in my head that I need to be alright for everyone. If I’m happy, then everything is okay. I think it’s a relic from what made me stop crying, this need to tell everyone, “Hey, I’m the crybaby, so if I’m okay, then really, everything is okay!” My tears are (were) meant to be shed in private. They were my own cross to bear, especially for places like the bathroom where I could get privacy, as I shared a room with a sibling growing up. This is something I’m getting better about.
The second answer is very warm; I finished M*A*S*H with my mom. I remember my grandfather, though he wasn’t too present in my life, and I loved him. He passed when I was young, but I was old enough to remember him, and his death date is near my birthday. My birthday is actually near a lot of either death-dates or birthdays of people that are now dead that my mom loved very much, so I am constantly reminded that my birth is the only good thing that happens to her that month. Finishing the show with her was special. We did it. It’s a tradition now. I don’t plan to have kids, but the future may be strange. At the very least, I know at least one sibling does, so I’ll just have to make sure their kids watch it, too. I don’t have anything of my grandfather’s, his family wasn’t kind to mine and took pretty much everything when he died, but now I have this show. And I have this with my mother. It keeps my heart warm.
And lastly, the thing responsible for the most boohooing, is that, like I said; I got to see my friends go home.
I didn’t really think about it hard, but these were my little friends. I couldn’t remember them, but I remembered that I loved them. That they were something that made me happy, and made my very sad mother happy when I was little. They were funny, they were going through a very bad time and they were still being nice to each other and doing their best. They laughed, cried, cried some more, laughed some more. They drank, but in a safer way than what I knew of it at home, so it felt okay. They hugged, they fought, they loved each other. Then they were locked away in a little memory in my heart, and they sat there for over a decade, nearly two. And then those lovely people that made my life a little bit better finally, finally,
Got to go home.
A catharsis.
Everything isn’t perfect, but all of us are somewhere better now. We have new problems. We have old scars. But the big bad is over. A little part of me healed. It was okay, finally. They got home. It’s okay.
And if I can pick up a show from the 70’s about the 50’s that’s also still about the 70’s and the Vietnam war about all war that’s also about love and family and surgery with a cast that’s almost all gone now that so painfully soldered its place in my heart that watching the end of it all put me in a puddle on the floor of my bathroom at 11 at night, if I can wait 15 years and still manage to rouse these old soldiers and send them home, a little cracked but finally safe,
I think B.J. Hunnicutt can drive those 3,000 miles to a little place in Maine to see his best friend.
#mash#mash 4077#m*a*s*h#mashblr#mashblogging#sorry gamers we're in our feels this morning just like we were at 2 am last night#it also helps explain why im riding this hyperfixation so hard. not only am i unmedicated#but also this show has a lot of latent emotions for me entangled with memories i didnt remember til recently#writing fanfic got my brain on the Writing train again and at roughly 1:20ish last night i started writing and couldnt stop#finally went to bed at around 2:10 am. way too late for me 1 is already pushing it#didnt tell anyone abt the bathroom thing after the finale and lied to my family that i didnt cry cause i was embarrassed#but we workin on that. we're getting Better#but yeah if its not legible i Apologize its just Me Brain with No Edits and Little Thought#and also 1-2 am so. not the sharpest. hence repeated phrases#godspeed god bless crags fail to trip your feet etc etc smooches#.yappin
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Seeing Bad Omens on Veeps for the second time this Sunday is giving me second chance of getting a good screenshot of Noah so I put him as my wallpaper on my phone. The one I have right now is like blah lol. 😂
#bad omens#bad omens band#bad omens cult#noah sebastian#nicholas ruffilo#jolly karlsson#nick folio#poppy#I will wake up early in the morning since it starts at 10:30 am in my time
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you know, there’s a lot of morning people representation in the media in the morning. (Insert bright and chipper person and grouchy person who doesn’t want to be awake) but they never show the opposite! When it’s getting late and the morning person wants to pack it up and sleep but the evening person is ready to go do something.
Idk
#Like it’s just such a thing#I want to go do something at like 10 am and everyone wants to sleep till then. So I sit around waiting and we start the day at lunchtime#After a few hours I’m ready to be done but they’re just getting started and want to go till after dinner#It’s nobody’s fault#It’s just weird that we only see the jokes about morning people in the morning#No parallel jokes later
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((dear god i'm so tired))
#squirrel speaks#it sounds like walking. but it's MUCH too constant#and sometimes it's interrupted by a loud thud as if they had dropped something heavy#or slammed a cabinet door shut#dear god i have not had a full night's sleep because of them in weeks#i've gone up to complain to them. they're denying everything#i know they're lying. i KNOW they are.#i complained to the landlord. the superintendent. even our other neighbors can tell and feel it.#they too are complaining about it.#nothing is happening#how the fuck can someone be so equally bloody LOUD at 10 am 5 pm#AND ALL THE WAY THROUGH THE NIGHT#TILL 3 IN THE BLOODY MORNING#ONLY TO START AGAIN AT 6 AM#I have already started to sleep with earplugs in but i can FEEL THE BED VIBRATING#i want to cry i genuinely do#it JUST doesn't hit the decibel threshold for us to be able to submit an official noise complaint#i am never moving lower than the top floor of a building again#never ever ever ever
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