#I started that a few months ago and never got past 30 minutes

[katiascraft]

✐ᝰ "You knew all too well i was right where you left me" | CL16 ࣪𓏲ּ ᥫ᭡ ₊

parings: retired!charles leclerc x writer!ex!reader

🔎 chapter one: "love is short but forgetting is so long"

chapter two: “did the love affair maim you too?” -> chapter three

summary: It’s the story of a woman frozen in the moment her world fell apart. A perfect dinner ended with, “I met someone else,” and while everyone moved on, she remained stuck in that instant, unable to let go of the past. A poignant tale of heartbreak, grief, and the weight of being trapped in a “forever” that never was.

word count: +4,5k.

BLOG MASTERLIST - series masterlist

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It's been a few crazy days for you. After what happened last time, it took you a few days to go back to the last flower cafe to write. You preferred writing in your studio at home. You had a comfy balcony with a lovely view of the Monaco sea. So you just took inspiration from it to write another chapter of your book. 

Seeing Charles confused you. You didn't know what to think or how to feel about it. You got scared you would see him again. But at the same time, you wanted to see him again. 

It felt confusing because you knew it wasn't right for you or the best to see him again, or wanting to or whatever. But even if he broke your psyche the way he did, you couldn't stop thinking about the what ifs. 

What if this time works? What if he was immature but he is worth it? What if this time is better? What if he feels the same way you do? What if he says he’s sorry? What if you forgive him?

All of those questions filled the fire to write. Writedown all of the what ifs as it was reality for your character. Maybe in this fictional life, you two have your happy ending.  

Your writing process was interrupted by your bestie phone call that you, of course, picked up. “Hey” you could hear the kids scream as if you were there.

“Are you coming to pick the kids up?” she asked, remembering you, you promised her to take them to have ice cream and for a walk. You facepalm. You forgot about it.

“Oh sorry, A. Yeah,of course. I’ll pick them up in 30 minutes. I’m sorry, i forgot” you apologised starting to walk towards your bedroom to get change. You still have your pajamas on. 

“It’s okay y/n. I knew you would probably forget that’s why I called. They will be ready when you get here. Thank you, i love you” you said i love you back and ended the call. 

You chose to wear a tracksuit, trainers and a coat. It was really cold this year in particular. But you loved it. You weren’t a fan of summer that much. You preferred snow and hot chocolate. Cuddling in bed to keep yourself warm. And playing cards near the chimney. You Loved autumn and winter, it made you feel special. 

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So today was the day, the day he probably would become officially single. Charles really hated the divorce process. It was a very painful one. He had, once again, broken another woman’s heart. He wasn't proud of it but he really wanted to do things the right way from now on. No more bullshit. No more feeling guilty of the past, tied to it as if he had to pay for everything. So 6 months ago he communicated it to Alex, it was really heavy on the heart scene. He felt like an actual monster. However, he started therapy. He was starting to understand himself more and learning to forgive himself for every decision he took that maybe wasn’t the best, but he didn't know better. He was young and about to become one of the most successful drivers in formula one. He thought he knew what he was doing to then realize he actually didn't at all. 

He started his day journaling. He tried to write something but all he could do was drawing your face. That image he couldn't stop seeing every time he closed his eyes. He felt scared about it but he let himself follow along. It was best to try to take you out of his mind in some way. Then after breakfast he decided to play some piano and record new parts of a new piece he was working on. He sent it to his producer and drove to Carlos' house to have lunch together. Lando was also there. They all chatted and enjoyed barbeque at Carlos’ beach house. 

And at that moment, talking in the living room, something changed. 

“Yeah, I don't know. I think she is a writer. I always see her on the balcony surrounded by multiple sheets of papers and a computer. Or maybe she is a translator or something I don't know but she is cute, you know? Maybe you can hit on her lando " Carlos commented while serving more wine to their cups.

“Do you follow her on instagram or something?” Lando asked for further information, apparently interested. Charles was zooming out thinking about you. 

“Oh no I don't, I don't even know her name but” Carlos opened his window curtains “yup, there she is” Carlos pointed to the balcony that was visible from there. Lando patted Charles' arm so the three of them could see through the window hoping the woman wouldn't notice them. 

“Oh my god” Charles almost fainted when he saw you there in your sherk pajamas drinking from an avengers cup (you didn't change that, though. You still are a geek for movies, superheroes, comics and books he guessed). Your balcony was quite close, the view was 4k. The guys who looked at Charles getting whiter, felt weirded out about his reaction.

“All right mate? I don't think she is that ugly, you know? I mean, she is fine as hell if you ask me and I'm not that into red hair” Lando said, checking on charles.

“Yeah, maybe she is too beautiful… now that he’s officially single” Carlos added.

Charles shook his head going back to the sofa.

“It’s y/N, carlos. y/n it’s your fucking neighbor. She was there all this time and i didnt fucking know. I don't know how I never bumped into her " Charles spitted with so much mixed feeling. Lando and Carlos looked at each other. Carlos closed the curtains before sitting along them.

“Mate, i didn't have a clue she could be y/N to be honest. I’ve never met her, "Carlos explained himself.

“Wait, who’s y/N? And why is she neighbors with you?” Lando was confused. For a moment he thought they were joking but Charles looked affected. He missed a part of Charles' story or something. The only woman he met was alexandra and she is officially out of his life.

“It’s his ex, like the one” Carlos explained to him but then Lando was even more confused. Charles noticed and with a sigh he explained the situation better in his opinion.

“y/n was my girlfriend during my f2 days. I left her for Alex but since that moment I regret it. It was like 10 years ago. "Lando's face expressed understanding with his mouth showing an ‘o’.

“So I guess I can't date her now, right?” Lando said, receiving a correcting punch on his arm by carlos. “Alright, alright” 

“I need to go guys, i got stuff to do” Charles said after a long silence and stood up ready to go. He Couldn't stay longer. He needed to breathe some air. He was scared. He actually hated feeling like that. Scared of what? Of her? Of himself? Of the truth? The truth that maybe he did indeed waste all of these years pretending to like his life when all he wanted to do was go back to her? Maybe. But the truth was too heavy to admit and process. 

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You were out with your nephews. It was a saturday afternoon, cold but the sun was shining bright. Between giggles you were walking with them to their favorite ice cream shop. 

Unfortunately, it was LEC ice cream. 

Benjamin and Renato were four years old, they were twins. And then there was Dante who was 6 years old. They were messy but today was a good day, they were chilling. They ran inside the ice cream shop all excited followed by you. You closed the door and they were already on the counter talking with the cashier. You smiled shyly. 

“good afternoon” you greeted her and she smiled back at you.

“Auntie, I want the chocolate one! It is always so yummy!” said Benjamin, excitedly grabbing your coat and pulling from it in desperation. He did a few little excited jumps as his twin. 

“No! Benjamin! I want the chocolate one!” Renato got mad at his brother. Their voices were so cute they made you giggle a bit. 

“It's alright boys, you both can get the chocolate one” you said, mediating between the siblings smiling at the cashier. She noted and went to look for them. “Dante, darling, which one do you want?” He was the shyest out of them all. He was so like your best friend, polite and collected. He looked at the flavour list on the wall. 

“I want the vanilla one, please” he talked directly to the cashier making you smile proudly.

“That’s my boy,” you said, congratulating him. Seeing him smile filled your heart full. You loved those three kids with your whole heart. You always get so emotional realising how fast they are growing. 

“Alright, gentlemen, here are your ice creams” the cashier said warmly and rounded the counter to give the ice cream to each one of them. You smiled watching the scene. They got shy but grabbed their ice creams anyway. 

“What do you say boys?” you looked at them gently. 

“Thank you very much” they said in unison, making the cashier smile widely. “go seat” you told them and they obeyed you. You got close to the cashier now in her seat on the counter. “How much is it?” you asked but before she could answer you, a voice, that fucking voice, interrupted.

“It’s on the house” you wanted to believe it was a dream and that it wasn’t real. But it was. It was charles. You turned to look at him a bit confused about the whole situation. He smiled at you again, the same way he did at the restaurant. You tried to play it cool, but you knew your smile and attitude were weird. 

“Oh, thank you. It wasn’t necessary” you said politely and he shook his head. 

“No problem, for real” he said and you half smiled in return. 

“Thank you” you say for both of them and went to sit with your boys at the sofa table they chose. You just didn't want to look at him that much nor you didn't know what to say. “Hey” you greeted them, and took some napkins from the table and cleaned the twins' faces full of chocolate. you smiled funny. Dante got closer to you while you were helping Benjamin clean his hands. 

“Auntie, is that the driver dad is a fan of?” he asked shyly close to you and really low so only you could hear him. 

“I think it is darling, would you like a picture with him?” you offer sweetly. He nods, smiling brightly. That made your heart race because you now have to talk to charles. You could hear him talking to his employees in a relaxed way. You could hear he came just to check in. 

You licked your lips nervously “i'll be right back, okay?” you tell the kids and stand up to walk right back to the counter. Your heart was racing. “Um, excuse me” you tried to capture his attention, and for sure you did. He looked at you immediately. His eyes found yours and you felt your heart skip a beat for a moment. “Sorry, but one of my nephews recognized you and I wanted to ask you if you could take a picture with him? Don't mean to bother you, of course,” you finally said. And you saw his face light up instantly. You were pretending you didn't know each other. You just played along without even mentioning it. You swallowed hard half smiling.

“Of course, no problem,” he said sweetly.

“Thank you” you said to him before getting to the kids.

“It's fine,” he assured you. 

You called Dante to come over and he came all shy. “Hey champ, is it good?” Charles was squatting to be on Dante's height. He talked really sweet to him. Dante stuck to you, intimidated to  have that awesome driver his dad loved so much. He nodded looking at him. “You wanna take a picture? I’ll be really happy to have one with you”  he said sweetly so Dante would loosen himself. He looked at me for aprovation. You just smiled and nodded at him excitedly. Dante then relaxed, nodding towards Charles in a huge smile. He gave him a hug and charles’ heart melted between the kid’s arms. 

They posed together and you took as many pictures as you could. And after cleaning Benjamin and Renato`s faces again, they also posed with charles. They started yapping with him and imitating car noises. They made you laugh for a bit. 

They got so excited, they gave Charles so many hugs. You played along so they can have a great moment to remember someday. You recorded some videos to send to your best friend agostina later, so she can have the memories. “My daddy loves you! He always screams to the tv ‘GOOO CHARLES GOOOO’ ” Dante commented imitating his dad in the funniest way making you laugh. “But he doesn't like Carlos that much, he prefers hamilton!”

“Oh wow, you are an expert in formula 1. Who’s your daddy?” Charles really engaged with your nephews. He even sat next to you so he could have a conversation with them. He got confused for a bit, he believed they were your children. But it didn't seem like that. 

“My dad is andrew and my mom is agostina, and she is auntie y/N” dante explained to charles the whole family dynamic in his way. You smiled nodding looking at Dante, then moved to see charles. He now understood the whole thing. You were their aunt. His heart melted for a moment. He didn't know what to say.

Benjamin asked you to grab him and you did. You sat him on your tights, and he was sleepy. You stroke his thin shiny hair gently as he pressed his head on your chest wanting to fall asleep. 

Charles looked at you with a half smile.

“I think it’s time to go home kids, mommy is waiting for you. It’s pizza night!” you told them funny and excited so they would get excited. Dante celebrated along with Renato doing a victory dance making you and Charles let out a laugh.

“Let me give you a ride, that baby wants to sleep,” Charles offered sweetly, looking at Benjamin in your chest. He was trying to play it cool but his heart was speeding faster than his car in any race. Looking at you like this, made him regret every single decision of his life. How could he leave you like that? He wanted to punch himself on the face because he was sure you hated him. So it was impossible to get a second chance nor that he believed he deserved it. 

You doubted but he got a point. Walking ten blocks with a baby or two in your arms was not gonna be an easy task and your back will suffer a lot. You sighed. “Alright, thank you. It’s really nice of you” you gave in at his offer and he smiled widely. 

“Alright, let’s go home guys” Charles announced. The cashier was even more confused than the two of you were. Since when did Charles Leclerc engage so much with strangers and offer them a lift? They must not be strangers at all. They must know each other all too well. 

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Charles helped you get the kids in the car, or well, his Ferrari  that was parked one block away. Dante, all excited, wanted to touch every single thing the car had so you had to tell him to calm down and behave for a bit. You got in the passenger seat. 

Charles let you use his phone so you put your friend's address on it. He now knew where you lived and he was thinking of offering to drop you there after leaving the kids but at the same time he didn't want to be so invasive. 

Smelling your perfume was sending him on a spiral. You still had that effect on him. And he didn't know how to feel about it. You didn't look at him. You probably hate him, he thought. He couldn’t stop thinking about it. But then why did you let this happen? Because of the kids? It was ten blocks away. He stopped himself from keeping up his delusions for way too long he would believe them. He felt like a kid about this whole thing with you. Or the one you had. The life you had. You made him and his family so happy. Arthur still likes you, you always had a soft spot on his heart. And that made Charles feel miserable. 

The drive was silent. The kids fell asleep in like three blocks. You were so nervous you would throw up right then and there. You just looked out through the window. You didn't want to talk that much with him. You knew that would be dangerous. 

He knew it too. He knew all too well what you were trying to do and in a way he was thankful for it. But in another way, he just wanted to know everything about you, again. 

A million questions were playing again and again in your heads silently but agonizingly at the same time.

Ten minutes later, you were finally on your destination: your best friend’s, agostina, house. She was waiting at the porch of her house. When she saw the black ferrari stop by her sidewalk she frowned. She thought you were coming on foot with her three children. 

You looked at charles in a half smile, just praying your friend doesn't get mad at you for this insane idea. “Thank you for lifting us” you said shortly and he nodded. It was awkward. 

“Let me help you” Charles said and both of you got out of his car. 

When your friend first saw you, she looked confused, with a million question marks in her eyes. But then, when she saw Charles coming off the driving seat, her eyes almost fell out. I mean, she was relieved that it was him at some point but not so much out of concern for you. 

“Hey, A” Charles greeted her with a wave helping you wake the kids up. He remembers your friend, of course. He remembered everything about you. 

“Hey, charles. It’s been a long time” A said, grabbing Benjamin from your arms. Charles helped Dante and you grabbed Renato in your arms. Both baby twins were knocked out sleeping. Dante grabbed his mum's hand and waved to Charles in a goodbye. He closed his Ferrari door and waved to us. You just smiled. You were in the most uncomfortable situation of your life. You didn't have a good feeling about this. 

You felt it was the beginning of the end, for some odd reason you couldn't identify yet. 

“Bye charles!” Dante said happily and was still a bit sleepy. Agostina smiled at him but when she turned to look at you, her eyes were screaming “ARE YOU CRAZY GIRL?” and how could you blame her for it. You just put her kids into the car of a known stranger. 

Charles observed the situation with you and your friend from his car. The sunset sun made you glow. And your eyes were so shiny he got confused for a bit if he was actually dreaming. He made his horn sound and disappeared into the monaco streets pretty fast. 

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Cozy wrapped around blankets and pillows, your friend brought you a cup of hot chocolate. You decided it was to sleep overnight to gossip because Andrew, her husband, was out of town for work. The kids were sleeping in their rooms. The baby monitor in front of you two. You were laying on the living room couch with ambient music in the background playing from the tv above the chimney. 

“I can't believe you bumped into Charles, to be honest. It's been ten years, you have never seen him and out of nowhere you see him everywhere” your friend was as surprised as you were. 

“Yeah, I don't know. I feel really weird about it. I thought next time i would bump into him i would be dead but i’m still alive so far. He felt so different… Yet he felt the same. His perfume was the same. His eyes are the same, the way they shine and…” you sighed stopping yourself. You started crying. You didn't know what you were feeling. If you were supposed to feel happy or angry or sad. The stress level was at its peak. It was too much emotionally to handle. 

It hurts you to pretend you didn't know him, that you didn't want him or that he was once your everything and now he was a stranger. A stranger holding so many secrets of you. All of your life traumas and experiences, your virginity, your first ever love story (and the only one). It still hurts because it couldn't be easier. Why couldn't it be forever together as you dreamed? When you saw him you felt the same as that last day you watched him leave that motherfucking restaurant. 

Your friend hugged you understanding how hard this was for you. And how frustrating it must feel to finally be ready to move on and then he is back just like that. How unfair life could be, right? She felt so sorry for you. You deserved to be so happy yet here we are, still crying for that ficking stupid asshole. 

It felt like the beginning of the end.

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“Hey, Arthur, I'm officially and legally single again. Want to have dinner at my place?” Charles called his brother on his Ferrari the second he sat in the driver’s seat. He needed to talk to someone about what happened this afternoon. His anxiety had made a hole in his stomach and he almost threw up a couple of times. 

He felt guilty. Like he did something terrible lifting you and your nephews to your friend’s house.

“Bro!!! That’s amazing!! Ready to enjoy life? I’ll be there in 30 minutes, and order some steak. I’ll bring wine. Love you!!” he shouted into the phone making Charles put it a little far away from his ear so he won't be left deaf. He ended the call, so Charles couldn't say otherwise. He giggled a little to himself. He loved his family, but especially Arthur, he was his little brother, and also his best friend.  

After a few minutes, he was already wearing his comfy clothes and had ordered the stake his brother told him to. He had set the table and put some random playlist on spotify on shuffle. Now that he was home, the hole in his stomach was not as huge as it was during the day. His house was his safe place. Though, it still felt weird not having leo (his and alex’s puppy son) or alex around. He tried so hard to love her, he got used to having her around. The chemicals on his brain were adjusting still to his new life. He changed furniture and redecorated the whole house. He wanted to start again from zero. Rebuilt himself step by step and finally, the Charles he always wanted to be. 

The bell took him out of his thoughts announcing his brother had arrived. 

“Hey, Brody,” Arthur said excitedly, hugging his brother when the older one opened the door. Arthur was really proud of his brother. He knew how hard all of it was. And how hard he was with himself when it came to mistakes committed in the past.

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They sat on the couch in front of the tv with everything already tidy up and with their stomachs full. They talked about everything and anything but yet not about her. 

“I brought you something, wait a second” Arthur said and got up looking for his bed. Charles observed his brother a little tipsy by wine already. He didn't know what to expect from him. He was always a surprise box. “I know you saw her again, I don't know how you feel about it but I know we will eventually talk about her. But I think it will help you if you read her book. I think it’s a fictional story but the way she tells it… i think it can make you reflect on what happened.” he added coming back from his bag with a book in hand. After he sat again on the couch he handed it to charles. Charles listened and watched the book in front of him. He took it carefully.

“I saw her today, she was with her nephews. I also know where she lives now as well. It was at carlos’ house and he was talking about his neighbor being attractive so Lando could try and hit on her. So he opened the fucking curtains and there she was on her balcony. I almost choked and died. Then I saw her at LEC. and I gave her a lift to her friend’s house. "Charles started throwing up everything that happened that day. Arthur’s eyes were big as plates. He couldn't understand how his brother survived o all of that. I mean, he was happy. He loved y/n, but he knew damn too well it was probably a nightmare for his brother to go through all of that. 

“Oh my god, charles. And you also were announced to be single legally? How did you survive? I'm impressed. You’re strong dude” arthur commented half joking half serious. Charles laughed it out a bit shaking his head. 

“I don't know but all I know is that my heart almost stopped how fast it was beating,” Charles answered.

“That’s called anxiety,” Arthur pointed out.

“I know. I was scared. She looked even more beautiful than she ever did or that I remember” he grabbed the book in his hands more strongly. He took a deep breath. “Today was too much for me,” his brother agreed. 

After Arthur was gone, Charles sprinted to his bed. He had a headache. He wanted to pretend it was because of the two bottles of wine they drank. But he knew it was because of overthinking. He laid in bed. Book in his hands. He started analyzing the cover: It was light blue, her favorite color he remembered. A red scarf and autumn leaves falling down. Her name is printed on the corner of it. He brushed his thumb above it taking a moment.

Adjusting his glasses he flipped to the back cover of it and that’s where something changed inside him.

‘Just between us, did the love affair maim you too?’

⋆˚࿔ TO BE CONTINUED 𝜗𝜚˚⋆

chapter three: coming soon.

tag list: @a-beaverhausen , @priniya , @annaluna12 , @thehoplessromanticclub , @emryb , @hadids-world , @kaztheemyth , @freyathehuntress , @diorbrxtz , @theseerbetweenus , @sie17136

shout out: thank you to my girlies from the gc (ur the best i<3u all), specially Sonny for hyping and helping me sm with this!

author's note: here it is <3 i'm so excited about this series! Sorry if you don’t see that much French I know NOTHING of it so yeah :(

what do you think it's gonna happen next?

don't forget to like, reblog or comment! and follow me so we can be friends :3 (and drink mate together!)

[cher-rei]

afterglow- pt 1 [ T.A.A ]

pairings: trent alexander arnold x femreader

summary: young and aspiring marketing and business major jamie carter (you) is privileged with working alongside the liverpool marketing and public relations team while also getting entangled with their star player and right back, trent alexander arnold.

[wc: 2.6k] [part 2] [part 3 ] [part 4] [part 5] [part 6] [part 7] [part 8] [part 9] [part 10] [part 11] [part 12]

genre(s): friends?? to lovers, work romance, fluff

notes: I've had this idea on my mind for months but I had no idea how to execute it at all. also instead of using the y/n insert, I gave the character a name even though it is read from your pov. It just made it easier to write lmao

"ms carter?"

your heart dropped at the sound of your name being called by an unfamiliar voice, which was something you were going to have to get used to. nonetheless, you turned around to see an older man approaching you with a warm smile and something in his hand.

when he got close enough he put out his hand and you politely shook it as a greeting, still not sure who you were talking to. before you could speak up however, you were interrupted by something being put in your hand.

"this is your staff id," the older man said and you took a closer look at the lanyard in your hand. the picture you had taken less than a few weeks ago was set neatly inside with your name, and position.

carter, jaime

[public relations manager- social media and marketing department]

public relations manager. those three words were enough to make you feel light headed.

you liked to think that your employment on liverpool fc's marketing team was nothing but pure luck. from the moment you handed in your resume for your university final year internship out of pure whim, then to you getting accepted for whatever reason until you got the email no less than a month after graduation asking you to come in for an interview.

all that lead up to the moment you were currently in. standing in the middle of the empty anfield stadium that you had visited for nearly every home game since you were a child. it was nothing but pure luck.

you were broken out of your daze by the older man chuckling about something, which showed that you hadn't heard a single word he said during the past five minutes. you mustered up a smile regardless to play it off and proceeded to follow him for what you thought was a building tour.

"I just realised that I never properly introduced myself," he laughed dryly and gestured for you to step into the tunnel before him. "I'm billy hogan- chief executive officer and I'm ever so sorry for being in a rush right now but I'd like you to be at the training center within the next 30 minutes."

your eyes widened in shock, your feet absentmindedly picking up its pace while hogan continued to speed through the building tour, leaving no room for questions but you decided to make a mental note to ask someone else when you got the chance.

you were escorted to the black s.u.v along with hogan immediately, running through the hundreds of questions you had at the moment. you know you only had room for one though before he was on another phone call.

"uhm sir-"

"yes ms carter?" the older man addressed without trailing his gaze from his cellphone screen or the pile of documents in front of him.

oh gosh.

you managed to clear your throat. "I'm not too sure why I'll be needed at the training center. shouldn't I be in the office or..."

when he heard you start to trail off, hogan shut the folder in his lap and turned to look at you with an expression you couldn't quite read. there was a moment of awkward silence that passed between the two of you in the backseat of the s.u.v, the driver not paying any mind to the conversation.

"our last marketing manager had to be fired because we found out that he was leaking information out to reporters and news broadcasters along with four other employees."

oh shit.

you shuffled in your seat as you tried to think of a response to the news but whenever you parted your lips to say something hogan would raise his finger as a sign that he wasn't done talking. so you swallowed the bitter taste in your mouth along with any comments and listened intently.

did it sound like he was targeting you and bordelined threatening you? yes, yes it did. but you were sure he meant well and was only trying to bring his point across.

"we're low on staff and that's why you were handed two very crucial roles and are expected to make up for the losses. you'll be working alongside the team as you read in the contract," he began once again with a knowing look which made your stomach drop.

because you didn't read the contract. not fully at least. your older sister was the one who urged you to sign it the second it was sent to your house. hell, it could've stated that you were required to donate an organ and you wouldn't have known all because your were too excited and didn't spare anything a second glance.

"but why didn't you just promote people that were already in the department instead of giving me the position straight away?"

hogan let out a dry chuckle and tended to his phone once again, not looking back at you. "because nobody else wanted the position. it's dangerous up there ms carter. so you may feel important right now, but if you can't handle the workload and expectations it's going to get messy."

well this is news to me.

to sum up hogan's lecture and recital of the contract off by heart, you were in fact set up to be working alongside the team as a higher ranking media representative because there needed to be more field work done. no pun intended.

but the fact that nobody else was up for the position didn't sit right with you.

"just make sure they look good for the camera and keep everyone entertained. you're an influencer yourself, so I'm entrusting you to keep everything in order. you were hired because you are young and are in the game already. so keep yourself level-headed and do your best."

no pressure I guess??

deciding to wear sneakers instead of heels today was by the far the best decision you've made in weeks. the weather in liverpool during september was nothing short of horrid. when you stepped out of the car your face was immediately hit with the harsh and crisp air that reminded you why you spent majority of your time indoors.

"welcome to our axa training center," hogan gestured to the building in front of you, it's ceiling to floor windows having you gawking in awe. "this is where you'll be spending a good amount of your time, but it's not as bad as it seems I promise."

what's so bad about watching a bunch of professional football players train half naked?

unlike your last building tour, hogan actually took his time showing you around this time. from the lobby, breakroom, staff rooms, gym and finally to the field where the team was out practicing-- or at least that's what you thought was happening judging by all the screaming.

the second you stepped foot out onto the field, klopp turned to look at you with a welcoming smile.

did he just sense my presence??

you felt frozen in your spot, the world had practically stopped spinning the second he called you and hogan over. when you made it over he halted his conversation with the person beside him to shake your hand.

"it's lovely to finally meet you ms carter," the team's manager politely greeted and it took every single nerve in your body for you to not do something stupid.

you bashfully laughed and brushed his comment off, "if anything, the pleasure is mine. I am extremely honoured to be working in this position."

after a few moments of getting to know each other and klopp giving you a bit of an idea of what he expected media-wise, you realised that you had work cut out for you, judging by klopp saying, "think of this as your second family. the team needs something different, and you ms carter, are exactly the home improvement that we need."

you felt like the weight of the world had just been put on your shoulders again, and his tone of utter sincerity wasn't making it any less pressurising. of course you wanted to do well and give your all into this role but it was going to take a bit of time getting used to.

I should have read that damn contract.

"would you like to meet the team?" klopp asked with a smile and lightly patted your shoulder.

the gesture alone was enough to render you speechless, and you weren't quite sure if you heard him correctly. "would I like to do what?"

"boys!"

your eyes widened in shock as he called the team over. you didn't know what to do or say, your fight or flight mode had nearly been activated and you swore you were about to sprint out of the training center, all the way back home.

you anxiously fiddled with your fingers, not knowing what to do with your hands as you watched the group of soccer players head your way with little to no care to which klopp gave you a reassuring pat on the shoulder. "don't worry, they won't bite."

you mustered up an awkward laugh, muttering under your breath as you mentally prepared yourself for the moment. you obviously hadn't met any of them before, the closest you had gotten was going to the stadium to watch their matches.

the closest you had gotten to any interaction with any professional soccer player in general however, would be at the beginning of the year when jude bellingham followed you back on Instagram. which was still the best day of your life up to date.

you were awestruck, words unable to form as they all huddled up in front of you. you could see the sweat beading on their foreheads which caused a shiver to travel down your spine.

"boys this is ms jaime carter." klopp gestured to you and you managed a small wave, trying to ignore the sound of your heart beating in your ears. "she'll be working with us from now on, as manager of the pr manager for both the marketing and social media departments."

you were greeted with a choir of 'hello's' and listened to klopp give everyone the run-down and a little enlightenment into the situation regarding the last bundle of staff that had to be cut off so abruptly.

"pfft, snitches."

you head turned to look in the direction of the comment, that was immediately reprimanded.

"curtis," klopp started and the soccer player pursed his lips apologetically.

"sorry boss."

"aren't you a little too young to be the manager of two departments?"

your eyebrows raised at the question from harvey. klopp and hogan had to attend to a last minute call from the clubs directors so you were left with the team to "get to know each other", but most of them got back to training which left you with harvey, curtis and trent.

you shifted your weight to your right leg, your head tilting to the side challengingly as you eyed the boy. "well you're younger than i am and playing professional football. what does me being a pr manager make any difference?"

trent and curtis couldn't help but snicker at your counter, jokingly mocking their younger teammate until he got visibly irritated.

"you can't deny us the right to laugh at you," trent said jokingly and kicked the ball to harvey, who passed it to cutis again.

their banter went on for a few minutes as you watched the ball pass between the three of them until harvey spoke up again.

"you're straight out of university though so--"

his sentence was cut off by someone yelling, "ball!", to which you all instinctively looked up only to realise a little to late that it was headed in your direction.

shit.

you backed away just in time to get the ball before it hit the ground. the second it came into contact with your foot, you sent it back virgil's way to which he gave you a smile.

a familiar feeling stired up in your stomach after, but you pushed it aside and for back to your train of thought. "and you're straight out of high-school. so i rest my case."

a moment of silence took over, trent and curtis both shifting their gazes from you and all the way over to virgil who was over at the goal post.

harvey was taking the moment to recollect your high school comment. it was because he was short wasn't it? that's all people had to throw at him these days.

it was trent's turn to speak up, his eyebrows raised while curtis muttered to himself about the distance or something like that. "have you played before?"

before you could answer, your name was being called by hogan since it was time to get back to the office building. you huffed out a breath and sent the three boys a smile.

"looks like today's 'q and a' was cut short." you took a few steps back, stuffing your hands into the pockets of your puffer jacket. "you might as well stock them up for next time. I'll be more than happy to feed your curious minds."

[foryoufics]

Fake Flowers

Authors Note: Sorry I haven't written in a while. Anyway, I'm almost finished watching The Trunk and I've always liked this trope. Hoping I can stick to making this a series and I must've been gone a while because Tumblr now has a button for read more so wow.

Summary: Basically fake! couple trope. You are trying for a fresh start and wanting to put your past behind you, what better way to do that than uprooting to a new country and getting a fake husband?

Warnings: angst, cussing, talk of adult themes

"Jungguk, could you come to my office please?" "Yeah, sure. I just ended one contract not two days ago, this can't be another one already," Jungkook answers with an exasperated sigh. "What can I say? You're the most popular one here, I'll brief you and then you need to go and meet her. Hey, maybe this will spice things up, this one is American, that doesn't happen often, huh? That's exciting"

"That doesn't happen often, why? I mean how? Do I have to relocate? I never agreed-"

"Aish, I know, I know, no. You don't have to relocate. This client recently moved here-"

"Again, why? Let me guess, she's obviously got money, but, she wants to hire me because she thinks I'm exotic or something?"

"I don't know her intentions. You know we don't ask those sorts of things. She only said she wanted to hire the best, and said she wanted someone popular and mentioned that she needed someone who was up for the task so obviously I went with you. Are you coming?"

"Up for the task? Oh great...one of those," he sighs again, "yeah, I'm on the way up in the elevator now ....," he hangs up and walks into the office

"Another happy marriage-," his boss smiles, "that's the what....ninth one? You've been with us for nine years-"

Jungkook simply allows his face to speak his emotions for him and holds his hand out for the folder

"Come on, don't be like that when you-"

"I won't," Jungkook moves his fingers in the 'give it over' motion and chews his lip ring to read the contents of the manilla folder in his hand; chewing as his eyes scan the file. It was the usual client folder, a photo of you at the top, your name, age, "where's the rest of it?" He looks up and asks

"That's it," he shrugs, "that's all she would give us, her name and age, wouldn't give us anything else but she was paying more than necessary and seemed desperate so I stopped asking questions. She said she would meet you immediately, she was hungry"

His eyes blink a few times and brows scrunch in confusion, "just her name and age? That's it? And she was hungry?"

His boss shrugs again, "yeah, said she wanted something warm because it was freezing, I suggested the place we went to last week; that was about," he looks at the time, "30 minutes ago, she said she would wait up there and give me time to brief you when you got here"

"Seriously, what does she do? Why is she hiring me?"

"Ask her that yourself, she's your wife as of now for the next year"

"Who-who-what-who-what girl just up and leaves her country and moves to another one and hires a fake husband? How long has she been here?"

"Dude, I don't know. You ask her; at least she's your age this time and not a old lady, she's only months older than you. Go on"

"Alright ," Jungkook pushes himself up and leaves to come meet you

You were easy to spot so he looks for a second, you were quite short for a 27 year old and you were currently shoving three fourths of a donut into your mouth. Gross. Charming Jungkook, you're working, you're just tired, it's just a job

He rubs his hand over his face, gives his shoulders a shake it off and takes a deep breath before coming over and greeting you. "Annyeonghaseyo"

You look up and see him bowing to you and that smile takes your breath away, you will yourself to return the smile and bow back. "Hi.....Y/N," you offer him a handshake after you wipe your hands on a napkin which he accepts. He sits so you sigh in relief internally that he can speak English. "You speak English, I'm relieved...."

"Yes, do you...speak Korean? When I said hello you responded"

"No, I'm sorry. I know I'm an asshole but I do want to try and learn. I also don't expect you to speak English if you don't want to by the way," you assure him because you're sure you both sense the awkwardness

"Thankyou...," he seems shocked, "I don't mind, we will need to communicate so if it makes things easier. So....I know your name, I'm uh....I'm Jungguk"

"Nice to meet you," you say and smile honestly, "Thankyou for doing that and agreeing to do this, I appreciate it-"

"It's my job, I was wanting to ask you some things. Your uh...your file ...it only had your name, your age and your photo, so.....well....what do you do? I mean you have to do something to be able to move and hire someone at my service, and, why? I mean why are you hiring me? What are your intentions? What made you do it? If we have to do this, we should know something about each other...."

"You speak English really well huh?....." You chuckle and fidget with your straw, twirling it around in your drink and looking at it, "well.....I don't do anything, I'm starting over and fresh, so I gave you all the info needed. My intentions," you shrug, "I am by myself in a foreign place and I don't know the language or anything; when you said hello, hello is sort of universal and it's one of the few words I do know-by the way, I understand why you bow and I'm honored but it really isn't necessary to bow to me. You aren't below me and I'm not trying to be disrespectful. I don't have any intentions really, it would be nice if you could teach me the language and I would pay you but you don't have to. You don't have to do anything." You shrug again

"I don't understand," he looks very lost, "I don't have to do anything?"

You she your head, "No. I was briefed by that guy, I believe he runs your company, on your protocol and you don't have to sleep in the bed with me, you don't even have to live in a home with me--"

"So....why did you hire me? What do I have to do then?"

"All I ask is maybe we can eat together sometimes I guess," you shrug, "and if you want to, the teaching me"

"So you are paying all that money, just to have a possible tutor and a pretend....friend?"

"Yeah, pretty much," you nod and laugh, "sound good? Besides he told me you just got divorced from your last client yesterday so you have to be exhausted"

There's silence as he is so stunned and confused for a long moment which you take to try your soup and end up slurping a bit which causes him to look over at you, scratching his head and he giggles, "Is it good? I won't take it"

"What?" You ask and realize, "oh sorry, I thought that was polite to do here if you thought something was good and I didn't want to be rude and offend anyone. I'm already being stared at...it's the opposite-I don't really like soup but it's freezing, it's nice and warm-Im sorry-," you stammer fearing you had offended him

"No need to be sorry. Alright well you have to have some type of rule or expectations for me?" He sees the goosebumps on your skin and hesitantly eyes everyone, he notices what you mean that a few people are staring at you. "Here," he takes off his coat and wraps it around you.

"Uhm....t-thankyou, you don't have to, I'm sure it's embarrassing-no rules or expectations, only that you honor the contract to do it for a year, I only ask that-"

"We can talk about it in a bit, finish eating....your sweater is very thin"

You nod and eat, it's silent even after when he leaves with you and you start walking towards your apartment as the snow falls. You didn't mind much, you were distracted by the pretty lights.

"oh, I'm so sorry, thankyou," you take his jacket off from around yourself and hand it back when you notice him shivering; you insisted when you left the restaurant. He resisted but only agreed when he noticed a street salesman selling scarves and hats. He took your hand and brought you over to it, put a scarf around your neck, a hat on your head, and then held up gloves. You shook your head to say no thankyou to them as you reached for your cash to hand him but he pushed your hand back down and paid the man. "It's freezing, you will need a better coat....," he finally speaks to you after clearing his throat, all that had been done in awkward silence with no words between the two of you

"Thankyou Jungguk, you really didn't have to do that..."

"I don't want you getting sick, I would do that for anyone.....can't have my wife out in this weather like that," he tries to smile and puts one hand in his pants pocket, then you both look at your feet as you stroll the sidewalk only speaking every so often when he asks something

"......what do you mean you don't have any rules or expectations?"

"what do you mean?"

"well....you said you basically just want a friend and tutor so, are we seeing other people? Things like that, our boundaries ...."

"Yes, you are free to see whoever you'd like and do whatever you please, whenever you like. You don't have to actually pretend to be my husband as the protocol says for image sake," you chuckle, "you seem so sweet, I wouldn't want to embarrass you like that. It's as simple as this, just pretend to enjoy my company during meals eve-no, just have a meal with me every now and then, it doesn't have to be often either, and you can just be yourself and do it for a year, that's all. I won't even speak if you don't want me to if you're having a day that isn't good, I will do the same and just be there for you too. That's literally all, I don't expect anything else. You're a free human being and a free man."

"I am.... flabbergasted.... alright....well, you've said that twice now"

"Said what twice?" You look up at him to meet his eyes

"That do it for a year, I mean I will, that's what the contracts last for, but, I did notice that in your file, you signed that if we didn't do the year that you wouldn't expect any alimony or anything"

"oh yeah, I don't"

"So.....you don't expect that? To be able to make it for a year? Noone ever would sign that but you not only signed it, you added that clause"

"I know," you say simply and nod, "I wanted you to know that," you shrug, "I expect nothing and I'm not forcing you into anything, I wanted you to be comfortable-" you feel him take your hand to hold it and realize it's to guide you across a street, ".......your hands are frozen, you should have let me get the gloves.......," he looks hurt, like he genuinely cares; you aren't sure how to respond, so you don't for a moment. "Jungguk, I told you, you don't have to d-"

"I told you, I would do it for anyone...."

"......I believe you.....thankyou.....please, don't worry. So.....do we have a deal? I mean....will you do it?"

"Which one? I don't think I could do both"

"Oh," you gulp, okay, that's disappointing, "That's alright," you smile, "You don't have to do either, my apartment is just up here, I'm sure you're exhausted. Thankyou for meeting to speak with me, walking me home and buying me the scarf and hat," you say being completely genuine and bow, walking ahead up the slope

"Wait, Y/N," you hear him catch up, "I was kidding, ofcourse, I can do both. Honestly, I am exhausted so thankyou," he laughs

"Oh, thankyou," you smile in relief and then remember something and try to avoid letting him see your teeth. "Actually, we-....we're already at your place and it actually is freezing, do you mind if I stay the night?"

"Yeah, yeah, ofcourse, I'd hate to send you walking back in this frigid cold. Come in," you show him inside. "Make yourself at home-you didn't eat, are you hungry? I'm not the best cook but I've got a few things, I could give it a shot"

"No thankyou, I ate before....," he sits on the couch

"Okay, well if you change your mind you're welcome to it"

"Thankyou.....so for the tutoring, how is three times a week?"

"That sounds great," you nod, "thankyou so much again and how much would I owe you?"

"You're already paying me, don't worry about it-"

"Tell me if you change your mind-"

"Why do you sound like you have to pay me just for my presence like just talking to you?"

"I-," you're caught off guard by the question and accurate read he had, "well, this is your work and want you to get your worth," you try to clear your throat

"I do. You wouldn't have to pay me if we just met naturally, right? Just pretend that's what's happening"

"I'm sorry, I don't know if I can, I don't know if I'm comfortable with that....," you say honestly

".....well, your age was in the file, we're the same year; when is your birthday? That's usually basic info on clients files"

"......I-it's in-....the calendar year," you give the most believable laugh you can muster but it doesn't fool him

"..... alright, I can't make you tell me, but, that would be a meal we shouldn't skip....I know it's months before mine.....mine is September 1st....," he looks at you and waits for a response

"September 1st, thankyou I'll make note to remember so we can have a meal," you smile and sit across opposite of him

"So what about you? You have been doing this for nine years, you're, I hope it's okay for me to be candid and honest, you are absolutely visual perfection and you're the definition of gentleman, so why aren't you really hitched?"

He blushes dark as one of Marilyn Monroe's lipsticks and rubs his neck, "thank you-"

"Oh come on, you have to be used to being told that"

"Still doesn't make it less flattering," he chuckles, "When I was younger, I needed money and then....really, I don't know.....I guess ....I felt like I was sort of....helping people," he shrugs, "so I'm a Virgo....you?"

"Nice try," you smirk and chuckle

"Give me something~"

"Alright....it's...."

"Yeah?"

"A star sign....that's not Leo"

"Aish~," he throws his head back

"Good night Jungguk, there is a room I've had made for you," you stand to go to your room

"Made for me?"

You turn to see his brow raised

"Yes, I told you I wanted you to be comfortable and didn't expect anything, you don't have to follow that protocol, I won't tell your boss"

"Wait, so you really didn-you had a room made for me?"

"Yes," you repeat, now you're the one who is baffled by his being confused

"You renovated and had a entire room added to your flat and furnished just for me so I wouldn't have to share with you if I didn't want to?"

"Pretty much, night. Sweet dreams," you smile

"Yeah....uhm thankyou....good night"

[belles-non-wallpapering-content]

Presentation E.S x FEM! Reader

Overture- You had a research job with Ray and Egon, and all of that work ends today with one presentation. But Ray and Egon are acting so weird.

CWs- Reader is described as wearing a short skirt and black tights

A/N- This is actually day 6, I just had a lot going on and I ran late. Day 8 will be posted tonight or tomorrow. Also I'm not a science girl, so this is probably wildly inaccurate to how research collaborations actually end, but we'll just pretend.

Today was the day. You, Ray, and Egon had to present everything you found in front of a board of your peers.  You worked in the same lab for months, doing private research on psycho-reactive substances, and it was finally time for it to end. But Ray and Egon were acting so weird today, it was freaking you out. 

It started when you went to meet them in the lobby of the building. As soon as you walked up to them, they got all serious, straightening their posture while Ray tried to stop laughing, and Egon tried to keep the annoyed look off of his face. 

“Hey guys, are you ready?” They were both in suits, and you made a conscious decision to look at the floor, because Egon was wearing a full suit, with a sweater vest even, and you wouldn’t be able to stop staring. 

“Hey you look nice! The presentation is on the 9th floor.” Ray was always such a sweetheart. 

“Thanks! You guys look really good too.” That time you couldn’t stop yourself from staring, just a little bit. You sort of hoped Egon would ask you out when you started working with him. But your working relationship was just about over, and he never really showed interest in you. 

“I’ve never seen you this dressed up.” The black nylon tights with such a short skirt were getting Egon more than a little overwhelmed. He was a grown man, who had a career-making presentation in less than 30 minutes, yet he couldn’t manage to talk to his colleague because he could kind of see her thighs. He hated himself right now, even more than he hated Ray for teasing him about his little crush the entire way over, and while they were waiting in the lobby. 

Ray didn’t even realize Egon’s crush on you until a little over a week ago, when he declined checking on his fungus samples because he was in the middle of a conversation with you. It wasn’t even work-related. But since then, Ray’s singular mission in life has been to get Egon to finally ask you out, by teasing, or encouragement; whatever it takes. 

“Yeah, it’s not really lab appropriate, but I was running low on options for professional clothing.” 

“You look–lovely.” 

“Thank you Egon.” After a few seconds of trying to keep from overly smiling, Egon cleared his throat, and elected to look past your shoulder instead of directly at you. 

“We–uh should probably get going, if we're going to have enough time to prepare.” You nodded in affirmation and the three of you moved towards the elevators. 

“After you.” Ray held the elevator door open for you, nudging Egon on the shoulder as soon as you got in. 

You waited outside the conference room, and ran through your presentation one more time, before they called you in. It went as well as it possibly could have. You spent almost 10 minutes celebrating in the hallway before Ray not so graciously excused himself. He couldn’t think of a reason why, just giving Egon a pat on the back and walking down the hall. For a moment you sat in silence, going over your notes one more time, to make sure you covered everything before Egon cleared his throat once again.

“Now that our working relationship is ending, I was wondering if you would like to begin a romantic endeavor with me.”

“You mean like a date?” You couldn’t believe he was actually asking you out. In the most formal and professional way humanly possible. 

“Yes–that’s. Yes. Would you like to go on a date with me?”  he’d switched from doing anything to keep from making eye contact, to never looking away. 

“I’d love to. I didn’t think you liked me in that way.”

“I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable while we were working together.” 

“You wouldn’t have, but yes I’d love to go out with you. How about tonight? We can celebrate.”

“That sounds quite nice.” You leaned up to give him a quick kiss on the cheek, Ray was coming back, so you waved goodbye to him before heading home to get ready.

[forever-once-gone]

Day 3: Yoongi - You Meet Your Fated at a Coffee Shop <3

Part of the Love, Amour, Aur Pyaar drabble series for February! (lol)

Word count: 3.7k (can't keep them short for the life of me)

Content and Warnings: soulmate au, coffee shop au, gn!reader, sharing preferences, arguing, frustration, they're both a bit dense lol, but other than that nothing too terrible in this, just sweet honestly, almost throwing up, coffee snob!Yoongi, barista!Yoongi, mocha slander, terms of endearment: baby, dear, Y/n is ready to FIGHT

Author's Note: Hey! So like I know it is well past Feb, but tbh it was crazy of me to even think id have time to publish these things during midterms season. Even though I had reading week, it was just not going to happen. Even though I did manage to write some of the days, I obviously couldn't every day. And posting? Forget about it. Anyway, even if it's past Feb, would you want me to post the ones I did write? It won't be instantaneous, but I would like to share what I did write, and maybe even finish all the other days as I had already planned out what I wanted to write each day. Let me know if you're interested! Anyways, as always, enjoy! <3

Another mocha, just another mocha to fill up in the takeaway cup for another person who is trying to get through the February cold. Yoongi gets a lot of mocha requests before the winter holidays season. When so many are hyped up with Christmas cheer. Even people who do not celebrate Christmas tend to indulge in peppermint mochas when the snow hits the ground. And the trend trickled into the post holiday months every winter season. To the point when people ordered mochas even into early spring.

Yoongi, ever the coffee enthusiast, hated having to make so many mochas.

Frankly, he considered mochas just snobby chocolate milk with the smallest hint of caffeine. Like do mochas even deserve to be considered coffee-based beverages? He thought not. You could barely even taste the coffee in between the thick, tongue-coating taste of chocolate and the heaviness of way too much milk.

Everytime he had to make mochas, every single time, he’d be cursing in his head about how he would rather just be able to make his espressos, black coffees, and iced americanos. Iced americanos are the most he’d be willing to go when it comes to diffusing the taste of coffee.

Adding milk? Forget it.

Adding sugar? He’d rather just pour it down the drain than drink it.

Alas, when it comes to his job, he has to fulfill the customer’s wishes. No matter how much he hated the sugary, barely-even-coffee, more-like-milkshakes drinks, he would make the drink for them. A waste of good coffee in his books, but he needed the money that came from his overpriced caffeinated chocolate milk 

So, when it came to a coffee-novice coming into his coffee shop asking for a mocha, he would grit his teeth but make the drink nonetheless, the underline he requires to be able to pay his shop’s mortgage and keep all of his employees.

It was another one of these spring days when he’d unlocked the front doors of the café only to see someone new. Normally, only a few select people would come to his café so early in the morning, after all, most people started work at 9 or later. Only a few people would come at 5:30 when he opened. But today, there was someone new.

There was you, a person he’d never seen before standing behind his regulars. A cheery looking person, giving him a smile when he unlocked the door and opened it for the small group of people to trickle in.

He made his way behind the counter as he began his small routine with his regulars, smiling at each one of them as they gave him their orders, even though there really was no need as he had gotten each one of them memorized ages ago.

He took and prepared each order with practiced ease, until he got to the last person in line. The one who had spent the last ten minutes scanning the chalkboard menu with an analytical look.

You.

“Good morning,” you said to him with a kind smile.

“Good morning,” he replied. “What can I get started for you today?”

You wrung your hands, scanning the menu again, before looking back at him. “Can I get a large mocha?”

He scoffed. Seriously, chocolate this early in the morning? Typical from a cheery-looking person like yourself.

“What?” you asked, wondering if you’d broken some unspoken social cue. You’d seen the way he’d kindly spoken to the customers before you, making small talk, so what happened when it came to you?

“Nothing, nothing,” he waved you off, before pressing some buttons on his cash register’s screen. “That’ll be 5000 won.”

“No, no. That definitely was something. Did I say anything wrong?” You insisted, brows furrowed together in a mix of worry and a bit of indignation.

“No, not at all. It’ll be 5000 won.” He tried to force a smile, but your eyes were squinted together just as you did before when you were scanning the menu, but this time your object of interest was him.

“What? You just don’t like me or something?” You felt a bit uncomfortable, out of place in this cafe with a barista who seemed to hold a certain disdain for you from the moment you opened your mouth. But that didn’t mean you were going to back down from this entitled man. You eyed him up and down, letting him know the contempt was mutual.

He let out a small scoff, before seeming to recompose himself with customer service professionalism. “Of course not. I’m sorry if it seemed that way. Your total is 5000 won.”

You could see through his poorly reconstructed composure, but nonetheless gave him the requested money. You were already running late to your job interview, and you needed this job if you hoped to actually be able to rent a place in this city. You had already spent three weeks staying with your friend after moving here from your old city. You couldn’t stay with her forever, even if she was willing to keep you for forever if you needed it.

You stepped away from the register after he had given you your change and moved away to make your drink. You took the time to continue admiring the interior of the cafe as the barista flew around his counter space. You took in the worn furniture resembling something half between industrial and contemporary. The hanging lights and the various maps lining the walls of the place. Very hipster. Fitting for a coffee shop.

The call of: “One large mocha?” brought you back from your inspection. With a hum, you took your drink from him, feeling the drink warm your gloved hands.

“Thanks.”

“No problem, have a nice day.” And with that he was moving back to his dishes to clean up the dishes he’d used before the next customers wandered in.

You turned away from him, moving towards the door. Before you pushed open the door to brave into the cold, you flipped open the flap on the top of the to-go cup. You took a quick sip, ready for the delicious drink to coat your tongue, but instead your tastebuds were assaulted with a heinous amount of sugar. It tasted like you’d boiled a pool full of chocolate and dumped a truck full of sugar and then reduced the entire pool full over a roaring fire until only a cup of the concentrated mixture remained full of pure chocolate and sugar.

You immediately turned back on your heel. Pressing your tongue against the tip of your mouth, trying to rid it of the sweet assault. “You messed up,” you slammed the cup on the counter, seeing the barista’s shoulders jump at the loud thump.

“What’s the issue?” he asked, as he wiped off his hands on a hand towel before flipping it onto his shoulder. He leaned onto the counter with the palms of his hands, not even trying to hide his annoyance with you anymore considering the frown he sent your way.

“This is way too sweet. Like what, did you dump a whole bag of sugar into this thing?” You nudged the cup towards him. “If you didn’t like me, you could have just refused to take my order, you didn’t have to do all this!” You gestured to the cup.

“Please, I need you to calm down. I didn’t do anything to your drink. It’s just a regular mocha. Mochas are sweet, you should have known that before you ordered it for the first time.” He rolled his eyes slightly.

“First time? Oh, honey, no—I know what mochas are meant to taste like and this is not it. It’s practically the only thing I ever get!”

He scoffed yet again. Typical, he thought to himself. Never would've guessed. “Just take your drink and go, I don’t have time for this.”

“You don’t believe me do you?” You said in disbelief. You never would dare fight with someone like this, but for some reason, this one guy was just getting on your nerves. Typically, even if your order had gotten mixed up you would just swallow your disappointment and try to enjoy the drink anyway. Even if it was something bitter and boring like a plain black coffee. But the way this man had been acting from the moment you ordered has been rude and completely ruined your confidence. Not what you needed at all before trying to get this job. And for some reason, it felt like all your senses and emotions had been turned up to 100, so controlling your anger was a lot harder.

“Drink it,” you told him, holding his eye contact. “Yeah, drink it. If you can drink even one gulp without making a face, I’ll admit I was wrong and leave.”

The barista tongued his cheek for a moment, contemplating what you said. “I don’t want to. I don’t like mochas, besides, I can’t drink a customer’s drink anyway.”

“I’m just gonna take your refusal as you admitting that you fucked with my drink.”

By this point the two people left in the shop were watching the two of you fighting at the counter. A middle aged man walked up to the counter, stepping in to try and defuse the situation. “Why don't you just take a sip of it, Yoongi? Just to prove them wrong?”

“I refuse,” the barista, Yoongi, said to the man. “It’s a matter of principle at this point. I’m not drinking it. I know my abilities, and I know that that mocha would be as good as mochas get. I’m not gonna take a sip of a nasty ass mocha just cause this person wants to throw a fuss at five in the morning.”

“So you admit you fucked with it?! You admitted it’s nasty!”

“No,” he rolled his eyes at you for the umpteenth time this morning. “I just hate mochas, they taste like shit. But anyone who likes those chocolatey messes will admit mine are as good as they get. I might not like them, but I still put all my effort into making sure they taste good.”

“Just fucking drink it then! I’m not joking, this tastes like shit. Maybe something is wrong with your milk steaming machine or something—this just isn’t right!”

The middle-aged man decided to try and put the fight to an end. “Why don’t I just give it a try, huh?”

“No!” But Yoongi and you said at the same time, before turning back to each other again.

“He refuses to admit it, and he has to be the one to try it!” You crossed your arms.

“And they’re the one who is making a big situation over nothing, you should never give in to people like them.” He glared at you. Now that his patrons were getting involved, he wanted to get you out as soon as possible.

“Just try it! I swear it’s unbelievable. Just give it one sip!” You threw up your arms in frustration. “Come on, I’m not even asking for a refund or anything, I just want you to admit that you took your anger out on me for no reason. That’s all, I don’t even want an apology!”

“I don’t need to apologize! I didn’t do anything wrong! That mocha is PERFECT! I’d bet my life on it.” Yoongi was fuming now, chest heaving with frustration and annoyance. He was this close to calling the cops on you and calling it a day.

“Oh shut up with the ‘perfect’ nonsense! It’s not perfect! Just try it! This whole thing would have been over ages ago if you just gave it a try!” You pulled the cap off of the cup. “If you’re afraid it’s poisoned, I’ll take a sip of it before you drink it. See look.” 

You took a swig of the drink, nearly choking on the sugary beverage as you tried to keep the concoction from coming right back up. You gagged for a second or two, before finally straightening back up, wiping your mouth with the back of your gloved hand.

The two men around you exchanged expressions, their anger turning more to disbelief. Either you were a great actor or that drink really, really sucked.

“There, see. I didn’t tamper with it. Now, please, please just try it. Please. Don’t make me look insane. Just try it.”

There was a beat of silence.

“Fine. Fucking fine. I’ll try it. But if it tastes fine, you need to leave my shop and never come back, you hear me?”

“I swear. I won’t come back, don’t plan to anyway.”

Yoongi raised an eyebrow at that, before grabbing the lidless cup from the counter. He held it up, hesitated, and then said, “I really don’t like mochas,” with a scrunch of his nose. He took a breath and then took the smallest sip you’ve ever seen a human being take before slamming the cup down. His hand immediately came up to cover his mouth, his eyebrows furrowed.

You couldn’t bear to hide your smug look. How was he gonna hide how terrible the drink was now? He looked like he was going to throw up. Ha! That will show him!

But then he did the weirdest thing. He took another sip. A long sip this time. Other than his furrowed brows, he didn’t choke, gag, or even dry heave for a millisecond. Just watching him drink was making you nauseous.

“Oh my god!” you yelled, snatching the cup from his hands before he could take another sip, holding it up behind you, away from him. “You’re going to give yourself diabetes if you drink that whole thing!”

Immediately he tried to reach across the counter and get it back from you. “Hey! Give that back! This makes no sense!”

“Yoongi, calm down!” The man said, pushing the barista back off of the counter that he was practically leaning his whole body onto at this point.

“Why does it taste good?!” The distress that the barista was under put even you on pause. You watched the barista scramble around, rubbing at his head as if it was aching him. Was this the effect of all the sugar?

“Hey, man, you doing alright?” You placed the cup back down on the counter, holding a hand out to him to show you meant no harm.

He just shook his head, picking up a half empty mug from behind the counter that you had seen him periodically sipping from between the preparation of yours and the others’ drinks. He took a large gulp only to immediately run to the sink, spitting the drink right into the drain.

“Why does my coffee taste so heinous?! Why does it taste like fucking bitter gasoline? Why does the mocha taste so fucking good?!” He was still hunched over the sink, the only thing you could see of him was his back a bit of his lowered head. His arm reached to grab the hand towel on his shoulder to throw it to the side.

You had no answer for him. This was all so bizarre.

“This—” the middle aged man brought both your and Yoongi’s attention to him, as he brought the cup back to his lips for another sip. When had he taken your mocha from you? Was it when Yoongi was losing his mind? 

“This tastes…” He took another sip. His brows furrowed in concentration. 

“This tastes like a regular mocha.” He put the cup back down. “I think you guys need to calm down for a moment and think about what this means.”

“What do you mean?” you asked him.

“I think you know what I mean, dear.” The man had a kind-hearted look on his face as his eyes flitted between both you and Yoongi.

“OH MY GOD.” Yoongi grabbed the edge of the counter, seeming to understand the man’s insinuation. “There is no way.”

“What? What am I missing?” The man only shook his head as Yoongi raised his head to meet your gaze. He just pushed his half empty mug to you. Inside was black coffee.

“Try it. I need to see if it’s true.”

“Um, no. I don’t like black coffee. Yuck.” You nudged the mug right back to him only for him to stop the movement halfway. 

“That’s exactly why you have to try this,” Yoongi said as calmly as he could, though you could swear he looked almost like he could faint right then and there.

“Fine,” you took the mug from him. “Just cause you did drink the mocha.”

You swirled the dark liquid in the mug, debating whether it was worth it to drink the bitter liquid. But when you looked up to see that both the man and Yoongi were watching you like scientists inspecting their latest mutant rats for their observational notes, you just took a sip only to get them to stop staring at you.

Instantly your throat was soothed as the smooth taste of the perfectly roasted coffee made its way through your mouth. You’d never drunk anything so refreshing, so calming as it warmed you up from the inside out. Even though there was no sugar or cream, you surprisingly didn’t mind it as it allowed the rich flavour of the black coffee to shine through strongly. It tasted so good.

You didn’t put down the mug until you’d finished the whole thing.

The middle aged man had a small smile on his face, while Yoongi seemed to be still in his inspector mode.

“So,” the man began. “How was it?”

You thought about it for a second. “Good. Like really good. Like surprisingly good.”

The man clapped his hands. “Well there you have it. Congrats you two.”

You shook your head for a second, scrunching your face in annoyance. “What are you talking about?”

Yoongi came around the counter, finally coming to stand beside you without anything between you two. “Do I need to spell it out for you?”

“Easy, Yoongi. Don’t want to scare them off now do you?”

Yoongi rolled his eyes at the man but then nodded his head in understanding. “You don’t like black coffee right? Too bitter or something?”

You nodded. “Yeah, too bitter. I need more sugar or else I just can’t get it down.”

“And I hate mochas. They’re too sweet and you can’t even tell there is coffee in it since it's so overpowered by the sugar, chocolate, and milk.”

“Okay… What does that have to do with me though?”

“But I just liked the mocha. Not just liked, I loved the mocha. And you loved the black coffee.”

“Yeah…” You waited for him to clarify further.

He waved his arm as if urging you to think further, but when you just cocked your head to the side in confusion, he dropped his arm back down to his side. “Seriously?” he asked, exasperated. “I hated my usual coffee and loved your mocha. And you hated your usual mocha and loved my coffee.”

You nodded your head, trying to understand what he was trying to get at. Until it just clicked, your eyes widening instantly, reaching to grab his elbows. “OH MY GOD! We’re soulmates! Oh my god! We switched preferences! We’re soulmates!” You threw your arms around him, pulling him as close to you as you could through your thick winter jacket.

“Took you long enough,” he huffed, his arms reciprocating your grasp.

“Oh my god! I knew I was meant to move here! I have to tell my roommate! But wait—” you pushed him out of your hold.

Yoongi let out a light groan, as he caught himself from stumbling.

You pointed a finger at him accusingly. “You hate mochas, you black coffee supremacist!”

“Seriously?” Yoongi asked you. “That’s your biggest concern now?”

“Well yeah! I mean, I don’t know if my preferences will change back, but if they do, I can’t stay with a soulmate that thinks he’s superior to me because of his coffee preferences!”

Yoongi let out a small laugh, his lips tugging into a smile. “If it makes you feel any better, I think I will never be able to hate mochas after today.”

Even with your finger still pointed at him, you felt your lips pull into a wide smile at the hidden meaning behind his words.

You both jumped at the clearing of a throat behind the two of you. The man had made his way to the front door of the coffee shop with his order in his hand. “Sorry, sorry. Just wanted to let you know that my wife, Maria, had been recording the entire thing in case you needed to call the police.” He nodded towards the other patron who had been at the shop when you and Yoongi had started fighting who was now standing holding the door open as she waited for her husband. “Let me know if you want the video of your first meeting, I’m sure your friends and family would love to see it,” he said between kind-hearted soft laughs, before leaving hand-in-hand with Maria.

“Maybe even our future grandkids,” you teased him happily, taking a step back towards him.

Yoongi just smiled in reply, showing off his perfect teeth to you.

You felt your heart swell.

He took another step towards you, grabbing a hold of your hands by your side. “I would like that.”

You heard the door chime as a customer walked into the coffee shop before their steps halted somewhere behind you.

“Uh, is this a bad time?” The customer asked from behind you.

“Give me a second,” Yoongi replied.

“Alright,” the person cleared their throat. “Just don’t want to be late for work.”

That seemed to jolt you out of your Yoongi admiring stupor. “Shit! I have an interview!” You tightened your hold on his hands before letting go.

By the time Yoongi realized what was going on, you were already halfway out the door.

“I’m going to be so late! I’ll be back later, okay, baby?” You had pushed the door open taking a step out before turning back to him. “I am allowed to come back right? Or am I still exiled from your shop?” You asked with a smile.

“Seriously?” He laughed, shaking his head as he made his way back behind the service counter. “Maybe you’ll just have to try your luck.”

“You’re impossible.” You laughed into your hand, waving your hand at him. “When I come back, if you don’t let me in, I’ll tell all your customers that I almost threw up after drinking your mocha.” You stuck out your tongue at him as he fake gasped, before finally actually leaving the shop.

Well, there's that.

So if you didn't get it, in this case, soulmates have different ways of finding out if they're meant to be in this universe. For Yoongi and Y/n, they met and ended up switching coffee preferences (or maybe even more preferences but the only thing they noticed so far is the coffee). Even though their reactions may seem extra, when you meet your soulmate all your emotions/feelings/everything is meant to be heightened. So they had each other's preferences, but n times stronger. So that's why they loved the other's preference like it was ambrosia, but their own preferences tasted like so bad to them. Y/n found the mocha wayyyy to sweet like Yoongi would usually, and Yoongi found the black coffee wayyyyy too bitter cause Y/n likes her coffee well sweetened and with a lot of stuff to mellow the coffee flavour.

But anyway, yes they're in love.

So yeah, do let me know if you want me to post the rest of these. It will be a slow process, but I would like to do so.

Take care!!

[a-aexotic]

half & half. part 005. previous

warnings ;

taglist: @steveharringtonswifey09 @starkeysmp4 @mannstarkey @readingbcimlonely

Last night was a complete haze for you, you couldn't even process it because you had to get up to work. Work was going like usual, customer after customer.

You were pretty much a like zombie trying to get through work. You hadn't even drank a single cup of coffee and you felt like you were there. You couldn't even think straight because of your head pounding.

You didn't get much sleep last night; there was too much going on in your head. JJ, Rafe, Sarah, the Pogues, your job, college. Your mind was on a loop until the early morning. Summer was supposed to be relaxing and right now, it felt like anything but relaxing.

When you were finally done at the country club at 4:30 pm, you glad took your leave and started driving home. These past few nights have been insanely eventful and you just wanted some time alone.

You came home, ate, showered (and shaved), lathered your skin up in your favorite lotion and topped it all off with a cute pink night set you got. You went into bed and sighed at the warm feeling, turning on your TV and turned on your LEDs.

You turned on your comfort show and watched for about five minutes before, almost comically, someone knocked on your window.

You wanted to face palm yourself. You almost thought you misheard it until you heard it again. Of course the universe wouldn't let you have on peaceful night.

You put on your slippers and went to the window. You weren't completely surprised to see JJ standing there, an apologetic look on his face.

You opened the window to let him in and you stood there, arms crossed as he closed the window after him. You both stood there in silence for a few seconds before he spoke up.

"I wanted come here and say I'm sorry." JJ finally spoke up, his voice barely above a whisper. "I said things I shouldn't have and I know I hurt you, but I am sorry. It won't happen again." He looked like a hurt puppy, looking up at you.

"It's fine."

"No, it's not. When Pope said you were going to apologize-"

"Wait, what?"

He stopped and thought for a second, "Shit. Uh..."

"I'll deal with Pope another time." You felt like an overworked mother with four annoying little brats you had to deal with. "Continue."

"I'm sorry, Y/N. I just say stupid shit when I'm angry."

"Yeah you do." She said flatly, as JJ pursed his lips tightly. You let out a sigh, "do you really think I nag you?"

JJ looked a deer caught in headlights before shaking his head slowly.

"Be honest, JJ."

"Sometimes. I mean you act more like my mother than my sister sometimes and yeah, it does get a little annoying..."

You wanted to get angry but you couldn't. This is healthy communication, you kept repeating in your head.

JJ noticed your silence, "I still love you though. I know you mean well."

Your lips moved upwards slightly into a small smile. "I love you, too."

JJ smiled at you, realizing he had finally gotten on your good side once again.

You opened your arms for a hug and he gladly walked up to you, embracing you tightly. He basked in your warmth and your familiar perfume; you hadn't changed your signature smell since freshman year.

"I don't know what I'm going to do with you, Y/N/N. How am I going to survive?"

"I'll still be with you in spirit, JJ." You guys separated. "And you can always call or Facetime, I'm not dead."

He laughed. "Yeah, but it's still not going to be the same."

You shook your head, "Let's not think about this now, okay?"

He nodded slightly, a smile still evident on his tanned face.

"You wanna watch a movie?"

Rafe had been in his room all day trying to figure what his feelings meant. He has never been so conflicted in his entire life, especially over feelings towards a girl.

Well, he wouldn't call you just a girl. If someone asked him a month ago how he felt about you, that about sums it up. You were just a girl to him but that all changed the night you had found him on that beach.

No one has ever done anything so selfless for him. You could've left him there on the beach and he wouldn't have even remembered it. But you went out of your way to help him. Not only help him, but actually take care of him.

The day after you had saved him, he woke up and he just looked at you for a few minutes, trying to process how everything that had happened. He'd only just remember the last few hours of the night, the rest was a blur.

The only thing that stuck out to him was his newfound feelings. When he looked at you, his heart felt like it was going to jump out of his body in the best way imaginable as he remembered the night before.

He never looked at you the same after that day. You weren't just a girl; you weren't just one of Sarah's friends anymore, you were more than that now. And that scared Rafe.

He'd never felt that way about anyone in a while. He was sure that he'd never felt this way ever because of how foreign it felt.

When he saw you downtown that night when that man was bothering you, it was like a instinct to go and help you. He had to make sure nothing happened to you now, because you were his savior. It wasn't even about owing it to you, it was just what felt most natural to him.

He had never been more confused. Did he like you? And if he did, how would he be able to show it without coming off weird? His mind raced, what was he going to do about you?

[roadtogracelandx45]

Innocent Until Proven Guilty|1| Twilight All Human

This has been in my head again for the last few days. and I was able to finish it Thursday at work.

Innocent Until Proven Guilty 

Summary: Lily McCarty took a chance after her life fell apart when Bella Swan took everything she had. The chance was in Washington DC working for the FBI. She thought her past life was behind her until the day her brother-in-law Jasper was framed for murder. 

Rated M for Adult Content 

All human 

Not Cannon Complaint 

Mentions of Bella/Edward, Edward/Lily nowhere tied into Star Crossed Lovers 

Emmett x Rosalie

Jasper x Alice

Carlisle x Esme 

Cross-posted on ao3, Wattpad, and Tumblr 

30 Chapters 

****

One

3 years prior 

Seattle Washington 

“I don’t want you to go.” Rosalie Hale McCarty said looking at her sister-in-law who was sitting across from her, her hands cupping a coffee mug, a heavy frown on her face, her sadness weighing heavily on her whole being. 

 “I don’t want to go, Rose, but I need to. I can’t be around Bella and Edward.”

 Edward was Rose’s brother and the man who up until 4 months ago, Lily was going to marry. But then he met Bella Swan in one of his literature classes and things changed. She had walked in on them together in their bed and it had shattered her. 

So much so that Emmett didn’t understand anything she was saying when she called him to ask him to pick her up. 

“It’s not like you would kill either one of them.’ Emmett, Rose’s husband, and Lily’s older brother commented. Lily was quiet as she raised the coffee mug to her lips, her eyes dancing mischievously. 

“Lil, you didn’t. It wasn’t Edward was it?”

 “God no, what do you take me for? An idiot? I would never do anything to risk my career before it even starts. Even if I did, it would be her.” 

 Her was Bella Swan, the woman who single-handedly ruined her relationship and moved into the house that she and Edward built together. 

Emmett, who rarely showed stress or unhappiness pinched the bridge of his nose.

 “Lily. You are going to be a law enforcement officer.” 

“That’s what makes it brilliant babe,” Rosalie spoke up, a gleam in her eyes, “They would never find the body. Even before she got accepted into the FBI academy she was watching and reading all those true crime stories.” 

 She blamed her own horror story of being assaulted by her ex-fiance Royce King which led to Lily’s obsession and eventual career path.  

Lily offered her sister-in-law an all-knowing smile before she placed her coffee mug down on its saucer. 

“Besides it will be good for me to get some distance from here and from them. I need to be my own person. Not the person that I have been recently. And it’s not like we won’t talk every day or text. There is such a thing as video calling too. We won’t go long without talking Em.”

 Emmett nodded his head, he knew that going to DC and working for the FBI was her dream. And he couldn’t ask her to give that up to stay home, to stay with him and Rosalie. So he could protect her like he had since she was a little girl and he stepped up and helped raise her after their parents were killed in a hunting accident. 

 “And really, I will be fine, you taught me how to take care of myself after Mama and Daddy died. And I will learn more at the academy.” 

 “I know.” He sighed as he stood up from where he was sitting next to his wife to sit next to his sister, his bulky arm going around her shoulders, “I know that this was going to happen eventually, that you were going to grow up and leave. I just thought you would stay in Seattle with us.”   

Lily rested her head on his shoulder for a minute, letting herself feel the pain she had been hiding for a moment, she would love nothing more than to stay home with them and go to the police academy out there but she needed to be away, she needed to be away from the memories of Edward and of her parents.  

She needed this change and they all knew that. 

 Rosalie turned her watch to look at it, “We should go, you are going to miss your flight if we don’t go soon.”  

Lily nodded her head as she pulled her arms through her jacket to pull back on. Her phone beeped several times and she pulled it out to look at it. Her ex-boyfriend’s name flashed on the screen and she pressed the decline button. She wasn’t ready to talk to him and she didn’t think she would be ready. Right now she just needs to focus on her and her career. 

“Let’s go.” 

[thebluntstudent]

FOUR ANXOUS THOUGHTS YOU MAY BE HAVING PRE-EXAM, AND WAYS TO RATIONALISE THEM ...

Also, a little commentary about panic attacks because I been there babs, in fact was there 30 mins ago~

°•☆•°

Tomorrow, I have an exam that I have been dreading for a long time. So naturally, today when I woke up a couple hours later than I was anticipating and opened up my notes to make the most of my last day of revising, I was hit with a flood of overwhelming anxiety and a panic attack followed suit.

I was struggling to move, I felt so overtaken by my thoughts- so I lay down, hugged myself, and did my best to calm down and rationalise my thoughts. This is how I got through it, and this is how I contended with a few of the emotionally-loaded thoughts that were driving my pre-exam panic:

Firstly, getting through it. If you are having a panic attack, don't try to push it down or ignore it- it sucks babs, but much like escaping a burning building by jumping through the fire, it's happening now and the only way past it is going through. So feel it. If you can talk to someone to support you through and ground you then do, and use whatever aids you to help calm the physical effects enough that you can start to fight that negative filter making you feel like the worlds biggest failure right now- you're not. You're a human, and if you didn't care about this exam you wouldn't be curled up in bed hyperventilating about it!

°•☆•°

Just physically calming yourself down doesn't help you fight the thoughts you're having that may be caused by or be the cause of your anxiety in the first place- so here are a few anxious thoughts I have had that you may also be experiencing and the rationalisation that helped me through them- in hopes that if you aren't doing okie dokie right now that maybe this will give you something to focus on and help you be the devil's advocate to your own anxiety too:

"I woke up later than I wanted to, I've lost important study time." So you slept through your alarm, or forgot to set one- fretting about lost time is only going to make you lose your mind and lose focus more, and the day before an exam you need as much rest as the night before. A few hours may feel like a lot of time, but you probably wouldn't have made the most of that in a groggy sleep-deprived state anyway. You're looking after yourself, you still have time, and that is okay.

"I have so much to get through, I'm never going to understand everything now." There is still plenty that you can do! I have been moderately unwell for 2 months and it has had a massive impact on my capacity to study consistently. There's a fair bit of content I know that I don't have enough time to understand at a first grade level- but I still have hours to lock down a little bit more confidence in preparation for the exam. Stop thinking 'I have to do ALL of this in the next 24 hours', start thinking 'what can I do to make myself feel a little more confident for tomorrow?'- as I mentioned in my last post, in just a 5-10 minute revision session you can go over a topic's worth of content via flashcards, and you literally have hours to go yet.

"I'm a bad student, I should have started prepping weeks ago/I should have done more." Hindsight is a bitch. Even if your reason for not studying before now is simply procrastination (which does not make you a bad student, it makes you a normal student- and also, a human being), mourning the time you've lost will not get you a top grade. You still have so much time to make yourself feel a little more prepared- you aren't a bad person, and you can still do something now even if you didn't a week ago! <3

"I don't even know where I'm supposed to start now, everything feels so overwhelming." take 20. Stop envisioning your subject as a whole (easier said than done, I know), and instead try to break it down into little segments of info you have to learn- you've already been taught the subject, so you don't have to learn the WHOLE thing in 24 hours. I like to write a list breaking down my module lecture by lecture, with three little check boxes next to it (though this depends on the subject you're doing): content, flashcards, practise. Cross off anything you've already done, pick one topic- one task you want to focus on and ignore everything except for that for however long you'll be working on it. It doesn't matter if you can't get through the whole list- every little section you do is another set of questions in the exam that you now have a better chance at answering. Isn't that a win?

This won't get rid of your anxiety like some magic solution, and it isn't always an easy task to dismiss your restless mind's accusations- but hopefully this is a little helpful for any fellow messy, anxious students out there who want the best but aren't in the best circumstances to get there <3 also, good luck!

[durmom]

Its useless

Part 5

Part 4:

When you woke up the next morning Dean was still asleep on your chest, peeking over at the clock you see it’s 6:30. Gently you shake Dean who groans and holds you tighter. 

“Dean, we gotta get up.” He groans louder before opening his eyes. When he makes eye contact with you your heart flutters, you stare at each other for a minute before he grabs you tight and rolls over taking you with him. Laughing, you tell him again that you have to wake up, “Deann! We gotta get up! Sam will be up soon!” He hugs you tighter nuzzling into your neck, “shut up princess.” 

“You asshole!” You laugh trying to get out of his grip. After a few seconds he finally lets go. You stand up adjusting your shirt which has ridden up. 

“I forgot to tell you, my moms coming today.” Your eyes widen as he sits up and looks up at you sleepily. 

“What?” He looks at you confused. Trying to think of season twelve Mary had distanced herself so why is she coming over. 

“Dean, did you kill Hilter?”

“I did! I didn’t tell you?” 

“Hold on.” You start rummaging through his room. Dean jumps up grabbing your hands. 

“Hey! Hey! Princess there’s some private stuff in here!” 

“Like what? Busty Asian beauties? Porn?” His face drops, “how?”

“Dean, hun, they show it in the show, you’re a whore and we all know it.” You hold a shit eating grin on your face. 

“I am not!”

“Really?” You say sarcastically pulling your hands from him and continuing to rummage through his drawers before you find his journal. Leaving Dean confused, you head to the library, grabbing out a journal and making notes of what’s already happened, what’s a little out of order. 

Sam taken by Brit’s

Dean killed hitler

That girl in the basement of her family's home

Asa fox was murdered

Okay not too much but what’s with this five month waiting period. Two months before I arrived and three months after nothing had happened besides menial cases.  A couple hunters tracked down those vampire traffickers but on our end nothing. Is Chuck fucking with us?  Amara maybe? 

“Y/n?” He startles you, you’re shocked it took him so long to come find you after you left him in his room. 

“Okay, okay, so some things are happening out of order. There’s been a five month gap from before and when I got here. From my memory you should’ve killed hitler like in the past week. Your mom should already be here.”

“Okay?”

“Dean someone, something is changing the story to make room for me. I mean five months of silence? Even the Vamp ring, that was never in the show and it would have been.” 

“Let me get Sam.” 

You know Chuck is writing the story but he didn’t plan on you being brought here. Maybe he’s trying to adjust, but because you know about him would he be able to control your life? Sam walks in disheveled, clearly had just woken up.

“What's going on y/n?”

“Okay things in your life are out of order, I've been preoccupied with our cases, and adjusting most things have just slipped my mind but Dean said Mary is coming today and I realized she should already be here. Things that should be happening now happened months ago.” 

“Like?”

“Dean killing Hitler, Asa dying, Magda.”

“So what does that mean for us?” Sam asks, facing you with the fact you can't tell them Chuck is scrambling, he doesn’t know what to do with you. 

“Y/n?” Dean questions, you had been looking at the ground thinking aggressively.

“I… I know what's happening but I can’t tell you.” Finally you look up distraught.

“Why not?” Dean sounds more aggressive, frustrated.

“Because, I don't know what it means, what's happening means I know nothing about the future anymore.” Chuck had been controlling the boys forever and was not prepared for you, when Amara brought you here it fucked with his whole story so now he’s trying to rewrite, that explains the five month gap, who knows what he’s written.

“Wait, so you know nothing now?” Sam scoffs, upset and confused.

“I mean I know what could happen but, me being in the equation means anything could change.” Tears sting your eyes, this is the last thing you wanted, to screw with the boy's future, to change everything, “What do we do?” tears fall frustrated, you groan, wiping your eyes. In your head the only solution is for you to die, to set things back on track.

“Y/n,” Sam grabs your hands and you make eye contact with him, “We will figure this out, whether you were here or not Dean and I would have no clue our future.” Of course you don’t know what's going to happen, but I do. Ive been fucking around, having fun, playing hunter, forgetting everything that matters. You can’t  say that to him, “Thank you Sammy, it's just a lot.” He gives you a soft smile and you look at Dean who is scowling.

“Dean?”

“Just don’t! You can’t tell us anything and now you’re saying you’ve fucked everything?”

“Dean!” Sam scolds his brother but Dean holds up a hand, “I'm just so frustrated! Y/n knows everything that has happened and will happen and refuses to tell us so for once we can be ahead, and now she’s saying she doesn't know? What was the point of Amara bringing her here? So far I’ve learned nothing.”

“Really?” You question, taking a step toward him, “You’re frustrated? Shut the fuck up Dean. You have no idea how hard this is. I want to fucking tell you everything, but like ive said before I cant because you are too hot headed. Yes, I fucked up by playing hunter and having fun with you boys but need I remind you I’m not fucking from this world? This isn't my damn home? Everything is so complicated here and its so hard to think, I feel like I cant fucking breathe and your frustrated?”

“Hell yeah I'm frustrated!” He takes a step toward you, inches away from your face, “You know everything, you know what Sam and I have been through and refuse to help us out but yet you play buddy buddy. I feel manipulated. So yeah Princess I'm frustrated.”

“Did you ever think I was helping you out by not telling you? That the burden would be too much, that you wouldn't be able to stop it? And trust me I believe in you boys more than anything but I know for a fact, because I’ve seen it, you can’t stop what's happening, and I don't want you to. And I’m sorry Dean for trying to be friends with you, trying to build a relationship to feel less alone. I'm sorry that you actually like me. I know it's frustrating to have such a cool girl in your life who sees through your bullshit.” Dean laughs and takes a step back, he rubs his hands over his face taking a deep breath, “You know what Princess, we will see who’s right in the end. I’m done arguing about this,” quickly you glance at Sam whose eyes are bulging out of his head shocked by his brothers apology, “I am just tired, Sam and I can do what needs to be done with or without your help.”

“You’re right you can. I trust in you boys fully, I need you to trust me at a fraction of that, and we will see who is right in the end. But in the meantime, can we please just be friends?” You stick your hand out which Dean grabs and shakes.

Sam coughs, “Now that that’s done, Mom is coming for dinner, she should be here in a few hours, I’m going to the store.” he rubs the back of his neck awkwardly and leaves you and Dean standing in the library. The silence is deafening, uncomfortable. 

“Well, um, I'm going to get ready.” you shift past Dean heading to your room. Once the door shuts you sigh, “jesus.” Fighting Dean was not on your agenda today, he shockingly handled it well. At least he doesn’t want to fight either, you can handle the back and forth of him anymore. He was hugging on you, begging you to stay in bed twenty minutes before. Now you have to try and calm down before Mary gets here but you're so exhausted you break down in tears for a while before moving to the bathroom to get ready. Starting with your makeup you keep it simple, being in this universe is strange, there's no need for base makeup because your skin is so clear, your hair falls perfectly all the time. With that you do mascara, winged liner, and a bit of white on your inner corners. To add some color to your face you do some blush before moving to your hair which you put into soft curls. After makeup and hair you start to feel better about yourself so you throw in music, Sin City by ACDC starts, you dance around your room, feeling the anger and sadness leave you. You dance as you get dressed, a pair of baggy khakis, a black cropped tank top, and a matching black, cropped mesh/knitted long sleeve. Because it's only two you proceed to sing and dance in your room until there's a knock on your door, quickly you shut off the music and answer the door breathless.

“What?” Dean looks you up and down, mouth hanging slightly open before snapping it shut, “My moms here.”

“Shit, okay.” You panic a bit but follow Dean down the hall in your socks. Fuck my shoes. Too late for that. Dean walks next to you with his eyes glued to the floor, the tension is high making you more anxious. Obviously you want Mary to like you but if you and Dean are being weird the chances of that are lower. Halfway down the hall you maneuver infront of Dean putting a hand on his chest, stopping him. Finally he looks up at you. 

“Dean, I want us to be okay.”

“We are.”

“You sure? Because you haven't made a comment about my outfit or even smiled at me. It's weird, and I’m already nervous as hell.” 

“Y/n I swear we’re okay.” you give him a knowing look, he called you by your name, he sighs, grabbing your hands, “Princess we are fine, I'm just… I'm just bothered by this morning that's it.” 

“I am too. So we cancel eachother out.” You smile at him hopefully, he chuckles, “Yes we cancel eachother out.” Giving your hands one final squeeze he lets go of only one, holding your hand he leads you to the library, before entering he lets go of your hand and moves it to your lower back. Leaning down he whispers in your ear, “My moms gonna love you, but hate that outfit.” 

“Dean!” You hit is chest, “That's mean!”

“What? I like it, you look cute, too cute for my mom, she's expecting a badass.”

“And I’m not?” You cross your arms glaring at him. 

“Such a badass.” he says laced with sarcasm before returning his hand to your lower back and guides you into the library. Sam is already in a conversation with Mary, smiling wildly. This makes you smile, he needed a relationship with his mom. 

“I found her!” Flinching you realize Dean was announcing your presence. 

Awkwardly you wave, “Hi Mary.” She looks you up and down with a blank face, staring at your socks specifically. Nervously you look at Dean who is still smiling, you notice his thumb rubbing your back to calm your nerves. 

“You’re Y/n?” Mary questions not believing you. 

“Yeah…” you trail off not knowing what to say. She looks at Dean tilting her head, noticing that his hand is on your back. Dean pushes you a bit, trying to close the gap between you and Mary. You stumble before standing up straight, his hand has left your back.

“Sorry I'm just nervous.”

“Mom this is y/n. She's been here a few months and is a great hunter.” Sam says, trying to defuse the tension.

“She's a hunter? How old is she?”

“Well I wasn't until like three months ago. Amara brought me here. I'm twenty nine but in a twenty two year old body.”

“Amara?”

“Yeah, as a gift for Dean, I’ve been training to get caught up with these guys.”

“Is that why my son is all touchy with you?”

“What?” This caught you off guard, you knew Mary was blunt but this was borderline disrespectful.

“Mom, she's just our friend.” Dean says cautiously. 

“Yeah, I don't know what youre talking about Mary. Amara brought me as a gift to Dean to teach him something. Not to date him.”

“Hmm. What are you supposed to teach him?” You look into Dean's eyes pleading for help. 

“We don't know.” Sam cuts in, “she's from another universe where our life is a show, and she was a huge fan.” mentally you facepalm. Another Winchester to harass you about the future. 

“Yeah, that's why I’m so nervous. I've been watching you guys since I was eight so it's just very weird.”

“Must be.” Now that was more sympathetic from her. Dean claps his hands, “Who’s ready to eat?”

“I am.” Mary smiles and walks toward the kitchen. Once out of sight you punch Dean lightly a few times, “Thanks for the help asshole!”

“You had it princess!”

“Really?”

“No.” Again you punch him before going to the kitchen.

In the kitchen dinner was set on the table, Dean had cooked. He walked over to the fridge grabbing three beers and setting them on the table before going back and mixing your whiskey and coke. He set it in front of you, hand resting on your shoulder which Mary clocks. Over dinner Mary kept the questions easy. Asking about your life before coming here, she actually seemed to warm up to you. However with every touch from Dean it was clear she disapproved. All of you were a couple drinks in, playing a board game, cranium to be exact. You and Sam were on a team against Mary and Dean, who were losing. The current task was you had to draw something with your eyes closed and Sam had to guess, all you needed was to get this and you’d win. The answer was dolphin. You made intense eye contact with Sam trying to somehow transmit the answer to him. You had watched an ocean documentary together and talked in depth about how dolphins are maniacs. You had learned they had no sense of smell and had been making jokes about it, you hoped he’d get the reference because you could not draw a dolphin with your eyes closed. As soon as Dean flipped the timer you closed your eyes and drew a ‘b’ figure with an X through it. Sam was silent for a few seconds, your heart started to pound.

“Dolphin!” He shouts and you open your eyes smiling, “YES SAMMY!” you push away from the table standing up to high five him. Now standing next to each other you grab his other hand and jump up and down a few times, excited to win.

“Dude we were on the same wavelength!”

“We were!” He laughs, you turn to Dean putting an L on your forehead. He’s looking at the drawing, “How is that dolphin?”

“Dolphins don't have a sense of smell!” You and Sam say in unison. 

“What?” Dean has a funny look on his face before looking at his mom, “Can you believe these two? I'm surrounded by nerds.” Mary laughs, patting Dean's knee.

“Nerds who win!” You say elbowing Sam. 

“Shut up.” you stick your tongue out at him, “who knew you were so competitive?” crossing his arm he pouts. 

“Maybe if you ask nicely I’ll let you be my partner next time.” While Dean rolls his eyes Mary gets up, “Alright, I should probably head out.”

“No mom, you should stay the night.” Sam's face softens to concern.

“Thank you Sam but I can't, I have a meeting with the British Men of Letters tomorrow so I have to hit the road.”

“You sure?” Dean grabs his moms arm softly, she rests her hand on his, “I'm sure. Thank you boys for having me, nice to meet you y/n.” You give her a polite nod and smile.

“We’ll walk you out.” Dean leads the way, then Sam, Mary, and you. 

“Give me a second.” Mary says to Sam once in the library. She turns and grabs your wrist bringing you back into the hall. Once again your heart starts pounding and you can feel the blood drain from your face. 

“Listen, I don't know you but I can see your effect on my boys. I don't like it but they trust you, everytime they call they talk about you. I respect you for the reason that my boys respect you. Don't mess that up. If you hurt them, I will hunt you down.” Involuntarily you laugh, “Mary, I get it, they’re your kids but respectfully you have no right. You haven't been here. I know what you've been through and I sympathize, but you haven't been here and can't take out your disappointment with yourself out on me. I’m not trying to be mean because if I were you I’d do the same thing but I have been with them for three months. Every second of everyday. I've been watching them since I was eight years old. The love I have for them is immense. I would never in my life do anything to hurt them. I would die before that. I promise you.”

“I’ll keep you to that.”

“I’d expect you to.”

When she leaves you sigh out of relief. That woman is intense. Once you hear the door shut you go into the library.

“You okay?” Dean asks. 

“Yeah, she just gave me her ‘mom’ talk.” holding your hands up in quotations.

“Her what?”

“Nothing, I expected it. We're good. You boys wanna watch a movie?” 

In the Dean Cave you were watching diehard, everyone had sobered up pretty quick. You were in between Sam and Dean but had your legs curled up on the couch leaning on Sam. Dean was being extremely twitchy, shifting every few minutes. You kept eyeing him but his eyes were glued to the Tv. About halfway through Dean gets up, “I'm going to bed.” 

“Yeah we probably should too.” Sam stretches causing you to sit up and do the same. Walking down the hall you pass his room first saying goodnight. 

“My room?” You ask him.

“Sure.” He follows you down the hall. Once in your room Dean grabs you by the waist and pushes you against the door.

“Dean?” You look into his eyes searching, again for the millionth time this night your heart is pounding. 

[fellow-traveller]

This is gonna be long, so if you don't have the time to read it, it's cool, I'll summarise it like this:

I think I'm back. Kinda. Expect some blasts of Hol Horse fanart that I missed sharing here since November 2023 (if you followed my Twitter/X, you might have seen them)

Okay, I know excuses can be bad but here's mine to kinda justify my absence.

I admit that I had been feeling depressed with what's happening in P@lest1ne for the past 6 months, because I had never seen it happening in real time, in videos and interviews. 20+ years ago, anything about them came in the form of stories from actual P@lest1nians whom I had the privilege to meet during my volunteer work in school, and newspaper articles from local publishers. Our local broadcasters still chant FTRTTS whenever they talk about them. But the real-time atrocities and the aftermath really got me hard. I'm not one to shy away from real-life gore - true crime is my go-to documentary whenever I'm relaxing - but what's happening there - the injustice, the brutality, the depravity - can be too much for me to bear.

I'm not saying I'm used to it by now...I still hear my heart break with every dead and hungry child I see on my screen, but at the same time, I feel a bit more hopeful. Mainly because I believe in the P@lest1nians' faith and resilience, and I believe in mine.

Apart from world events, on a personal level, my company moved to a new building in December, about an extra 30 minutes drive away from my home, so I was almost on a blackout from online stuff back then. Didn't even touch the 1 Day 1 Hol Horse challenge (but thankfully they are done now...will share them later). The move-out was done around the end of January 2024, and then I got busy again with work in February. Work had been very hectic because everything had been disorganised since the move. Even now, we don't really have internet in the new building and had to use our phone data for that.

Wanted to get back last month, but delayed it until today because my cat was sick with cancer. My cat, little Vee, whom I had for 12 years, just passed 2 days ago, 1 day before my birthday ;-;

Anyway, all that said, I think I'm ready to be back now on tumblr. I know I missed a lot of drawings that I kinda promised myself to finish (like the Halloween Hol), and also posting the 1 Day 1 Hol Horse doodles. I missed other people's Hol Horse and HolPol fanart as well. I also have a few thoughts I wanted to share of our favourite JoJo cowboy too...

So in the next few hours, I'll be doing just that. I apologise for the massive spam that's about to come beforehand. Just note that if you cannot wait for the fanart blast, you're welcomed to dig for them on my Twitter/X.

On current notes, I'm in the middle of doing The Emperor Month Challenge. Basically, Hol Horse with the other Part 3 characters. I missed 2 days now, but I'll be catching up. This will be on until the end of this month.

For now, I won't be doing requests/art trades because I wanna start drawing for my JoJo OCs. I have been neglecting them for months.

Hopefully the depression will simmer down. The world is a mess, and I'm trying to soldier on.

Oh, and to my Muslim followers, Happy Eid-ul-Fitr. ♥

[nymphfette]

btw- I’ve been doing better with my health 💖 autoimmune issues/thyroid issues and pcos all made extremely worse by stress- ptsd and also the other way around. Just a vicious cycle I was in. Still am in but have made a lot of progress since I was first dealing with absolute daily hell that started about a year or so ago.

Oh and I was also diagnosed with agoraphobia. Ive had PTSD for a few years now but the recent health issues obviously made it worse and so I developed agoraphobia :))))) it got so bad, I would barely leave my house (my safe safe) for longer than an HOUR at time, once a day. Couldn’t be on a car ride for longer than 10 minutes without freaking out, hyperventilating, heart beating out of my chest, sweating my ass off and sometimes puking my guts out. I was terrified to get in a car and if I had to go somewhere that I knew was a long car ride (10 mins or more) id have such a hard time. And there were times were I’d be doing alright on a longer ride, like 30 mins and I’d think I was like 20 mins in and there was only 10 more minutes I had to go and I’d look at google maps and see there was 15 minutes instead of 10 minutes…..I’d genuinely lose it. Over 5 extra minutes. Genuinely freak out. It was hell. It was no way to live.

I still am struggling with it but I’ve been trying really hard to get better. Health wise- I have a lot of it under control. I barely have flare up attacks anymore. My hypothyroidism is in check. My pcos symptoms are still a bit haywire but I’m working on that, the priority was the autoimmune and thyroid and the just constant inflammation all over. Everywhere. My wbc is only about 1000 over normal right now which is Iike nothing compared to what it was and is a huge improvement. Medications and supplements I’m on have been a big help along with the autoimmune protocol diet- it’s a VERY strict diet and I did it for a few months and once it helped get things in check, I was able to slowly introduce a more “normal” diet into my life but still keeping away from gluten and added sugars, too much starch and too much dairy.

So yeah my health health has gotten a lot better and I’ll continue to work on it keep it that way. My mental health is better as well- like, now I can go out for like 3 hours a day without losing my mind and can do like 30 minute car rides before I start to have bad panic attacks and agoraphobia attacks. I know that still sounds bad but compared to what it was…… barely could do 10 mins…. 5 mins being the preferred… it’s a huge improvement. Still have bad PTSD/Agoraphobia attacks here and there and My autistic burnout and sensory issues and then like general anxiety is still very high but again, it has been improved and I’m continuing to work on it.

I’ve been given the okay to go back to work but work from home job like I’ve done before. I can’t work outside my home right now without putting all the exposure therapy and DBT and work and etc etc at risk, I’m not ready for that yet, and I agree with my dr. That will come in time.

SO, the past month I’ve been looking for remote/work from home positions and man, I’ve been having a rough time, and before had health issues and stuff and was off work and stuff a year or so ago, I had lots and lots of experience and my resume for the telehealth and benefits customer support field is great. I know I’m a great candidate, have great references and I never ever had an issue finding a job before, let alone getting an interview. I know the past few months I’ve been hearing ppl in my country Canada especially talk about how hard it is to get a job right now and man, they weren’t kidding were they?

It sucks I have a limit on what I can do right now…..and I really want to get back to work not only to help myself and get back into a normal life and routine but also bc financially, the income I receive through disability literally covers my BASE BASE BASE needs and that’s it, and I mean that’s fucking it. Of course im thankful I have that bc when I was waiting for it when I first got really sick, that was not easy. That was hell but it would be nice to have a LITTLE bit of pocket money to be able to buy a couple things for myself now and then, you know? I can’t even get my skincare products for my skincare routine I’ve had for years and years anymore :((( & they weren’t crazy expensive products lmao. All of the products in the routine probably totalled like hmm MAX $80 and I’d only need to replace them like every 3 months??? So yeah lol. & also, it’s fall now and I need a new fall coat and I can’t even go to the thrift store and get like a $30 peacoat (which is what I want lol- I love my peacoats) SO YEAH, I WANT A JOB AGAIN!!! & working in the contact center field for telehealth or benefits, was a decent job. Perfectly suited to my needs and even more so now, so yeah- I hope I’ll be hearing back from someone soon!!!

[ivebeenjake]

Today was a top-10 bad day at work.

We have a part timer who only works Mondays and Fridays. (She’s a float who refuses to float, and my manager just volunteered her to go work at our Orchard Park location in 2 weeks and I know she’s not going to go. That’s a whole other story though.)

One worker requested the day off because she didn’t want her son to go on some field trip with his summer camp. I really don’t understand that rationale but whatever.

Another worker had a half day scheduled for today because she had a dentist appointment that took her months to get, and she’s also working Saturday so she needed a half day in the week and it only made sense.

That left me, my manager, my assistant manager, and one other worker who’s a complete fucking mess. Don’t get me wrong, I like him, but he’s an entire decade younger than me and super immature. He’s had a pretty fucking traumatic thing happen in his family a few months ago (his brother killed 2 cops in a coke-fueled rage and in turn got himself killed) but for the most part he has acted like he’s okay and doesn’t/won’t talk about it.

Well, I found out today that he had a meeting scheduled with our regional manager in the midst of us being down three workers (I was actually reminded that I was told last week, but I blacked it out due to anger) because he’s unhappy with his job not going anywhere. Other than the fact that he’s had a promotion and a raise every year since he’s started (he’s only been here 6 months longer than I have and we both started in 2021) but he feels slighted that things have been brought up to him like some sort of manager-in-training program, but has been pushed to the back burner. Like every fucking job in corporate America that I’ve worked in. Never mind the fact that I jumped through the hoops and played my part to get the same promotions, but I missed out on the raise and title change by one week last year and was told I’d get it at my 6-month, only for the fucking bigwigs to decide a MONTH before my 6-month mark that they weren’t doing 6-month raises and promotions anymore!

Regardless, our half day worker was supposed to leave at 12:30, and the immature worker had a meeting 10 minutes away at 1:00. So, my assistant manager and I decided we’d take lunches at 11:30 and 12:00 because he was my coverage when our half day worker left. She kept trying to insist that she could stay as late as 3:00 today, but then we’d have to give her a some hours off elsewhere in the week and it was just better to get it done today. She also needs to get more of a backbone because she’ll let anyone walk all over her and I’m constantly trying to get her to stick up for herself and not be taken advantage of.

So my assistant manager takes his lunch at 11:30. More like 11:35, which mean he wouldn’t be back until 12:05 and that’s if he’s back right on time which he never is. He has no sense of urgency and has a very lackadaisical attitude towards his job. (A job I also applied for, and was told I just wasn’t qualified enough to get, even though I’ve fucking been doing most of that job since he started. Again, another story.)

The immature worker decides he’s just gonna go take his lunch at 12:00 without talking to anyone about it. Because he has no sense of teamwork or care for anyone else. Today is about him! It’s his day to meet with our regional so he can vent to him and tell him he wants things to start moving forward for him! Never mind the rest of us.

At noon, two different groups of customers walk in needing assistance, and my manager takes one, and my assistant manager decides he’s going to take the other because asshole immature worker is on a lunch he didn’t clear, and he actually believed it would be super quick. Cut to 50 minutes later and it’s already past the time our half day girl is supposed to leave. He finally finishes up, decides he’s gonna spend 5 minutes scanning paperwork to himself, and then comes and relieves me for my lunch. Almost a whole hour later.

I should also point out that the immature worker left directly after his lunch, that ended at 12:30, to drive not even 10 minutes down the road for his 1:00 meeting! And he didn’t tell anyone! He has such a massive lack in his communication skills that they’re breathtaking.

I actually clocked back in 5 minutes early; I had finished half of an episode of The Bear I stopped the day before, and decided I’d be nice to not have our girl wait any longer.

After she left, our manager came up to where my assistant manager and I were and was attempting to get me to crack a smile or something, but when I get stressed and angry, I tend to bottle things in and retreat inward. He kept pushing me and said “I don’t know why you’re so grumpy today”, which made me go off on him, to which I said “there’s a massive difference between being grumpy and being frustrated, and you should know the difference by now!” He asked if there was anything he could do to help, and I said we’d talk later.

The rest of the day was just so. fucking. BUSY. And the asshole immature kid didn’t come back until after 3:00, like what the FUCK was he talking to our regional about for almost 2 hours? He called our manager when his meeting was over, and I just know that he was wanting our manager to say “you know what buddy, there’s no sense in you coming back, why don’t you just go home?”, but thankfully he didn’t. Our manager actually had work for him to do that kept him there well after our day ended.

I wrapped up at 4:05 and went to say goodbye to my manager because he’s not in the office tomorrow (thank god), to which he asked me to come into his office and close his door. I proceeded to dump my entire day of frustrations onto him, including the one major thing that annoys me about him, which is that he is always the first one to jump whenever another location needs help and sends one of us elsewhere, leaving us short-staffed, but do you think he could have asked anyone else to come help us out today? I shouldn’t have had to say something to him in order for him to come to that realization, which he agreed with me and apologized for.

I’m just so over other people being selfish and not giving a shit about anyone else we work with. Just last week, I was wanting to watch either an episode of The Bear or an episode of The Boys on my lunch, but the coworker that was with me in the break room watches both and isn’t caught up yet, so I decided to doomscroll on TikTok instead. Fuck that! No more. I’m tired of being the bigger person caring for everyone else. I told my manager that. Until I start seeing a little respect given back to me, I’m not accommodating anyone else. I’m going to start being selfish and if they don’t like it, tough shit.

The immature worker had papers that needed to be mailed out today, but wasn’t sure how much postage we’d need to put on the oversized envelope. I told him yesterday he could walk over to the post office today with our roll of stamps (the post office is literally right next door to us) and he never did. Remember! He was too busy giving a shit about himself and no one else! And this fucker actually had the balls to ask me as I was leaving if I had taken it over for him, because it was imperative those papers get mailed out today. I had a piece of mail I needed to send out in my hand, and I walked away from him without saying a goddamn word. I also locked up the stamps before I left too. Oopsie.

As I was driving home, I was just so exhausted from all the bullshit. I passed my grandparents’ house on the way, and they were both outside, waiting for me to drive by, so excited to see me and waving. I waved back and it put the biggest smile on my face, but as I turned the corner away from them, I burst out crying, mostly from the weight of today, but also because I had the thought in my head that I’m not going to have that anymore someday and it made me so sad.

I had something poignant I wanted to wrap this up with but it’s flown out of my head. Eh.

[astrangebird]

Seen a few "getting older is great actually" posts and I want to put my two cents in as a recent 30 year old.

It is great. You get to know yourself more, different opportunities become available, you learn so many new things all the time, you stop giving so much of a shit about things that just don't matter.

It's also really fucking hard. You grow distant from your past whether you wanted to or not, it's harder to make friends cuz you're busy, the Youths start to think you're five minutes from death, some opportunities that you didn't seize do in fact close up on you, your knees can't handle the floor anymore.

But honestly, I can't imagine being 20 anymore. The years after I got out of college were the worst of my life and I can say that confidently even though my husband was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis seven months ago and that certainly not been a walk in the park. I can't imagine being so scared of myself and what I didn't know or couldn't come to terms with about my own damn life. I can hardly remember the feeling of my once crippling anxiety and depression. I can't imagine being that young again.

I've never felt more like a full and complete person than I have right now.

Aging is good. It's cliche but yes, things do get better, late stage capitalism aside. Don't let anyone tell you that your life is over after 25. It's quite literally only just begun.

[astrabear]

15 questions, 15 tags

tagged by @ongreenergrasses. Not gonna tag 15 people, that's like 30% of all the people I follow.

Are you named after anyone? I have the name that my mother would have had, if my grandmother hadn't changed her mind at the last minute and given her a popular name instead. My mother always resented being one of many [name]s in her classes at school and was determined that if she had a daughter, she'd use this name.

When was the last time you cried? Man, I don't fuckin know. My dad died a year and a half ago, my stepfather died a few months ago, I've been unemployed and looking for work since December (just accepted an offer the other day, so that's cool), I visit my mom regularly and she's having a really hard time, and there was an ice storm a couple of weeks ago that left us without power for 36 hours and brought up a bunch of trauma from a debilitating storm two years ago. Also I have depression and anxiety. I can't be bothered to keep track of when or how often I cry, is what I'm saying. Sometime in the past week, probably.

Do you have kids? nope

Do you use sarcasm a lot? When joking with my roommate, yes. As part of general communication, I use it but I think not a lot?

What's the first thing you notice about people? Doesn't this depend on what's noticeable? Like if someone has blue hair, I'm gonna notice the blue hair first. Anything that stands out or seems unexpected - unusual hair color, tattoos, certain hair styles, size/height/other features that are at either end of the bell curve, dramatic clothes or accessories.

What's your eye color? Dark brown

Scary movies or happy endings? Happy endings, definitely.

Any special talents? I notice and remember stuff about people, and I connect pieces of information. Someone once described it as my superpower. This makes me very good at giving gifts. Sometimes I have to keep it to myself in order to not sound creepy (because people aren't necessarily prepared for you to remember something they said in passing a year ago, and then connect it to something that someone else mentioned last week, and use that to infer something they had not yet told you.) I'm also bizarrely good at finding specific Old Guard fanfics.

Where were you born? Houston, Texas

What are your hobbies? I have had so many hobbies that I no longer currently practice. I want to get back into cooking and baking (as hobbies rather than just necessity). I write. I play the Sims. For a while I was using the Sims to make fanvids, but that's fallen away as the writing has picked up. I'd like to start drawing again. It's going to take some time to get back in shape enough to do it, but I'd love to one day take up weightlifting again.

Do you have any pets? I have two cats, Truffle and Tristan. They will be turning 4 in a couple of months. I adopted them in 2019 and I can't imagine getting through lockdown without them. I made up these song lyrics about them, back when "Bad Guy" was still a thing: So he's a buff guy Not got lots of fluff guy Likes to play real rough guy Tail always so puffed guy She's that smart type Take my things apart type Face a work of art type Got a loving heart type They are good cats Duh

What sports do you play/have you played? None. The only physical endeavor that I've ever been serious about was weightlifting, but never competitively.

How tall are you? 5'3, 160cm. I'm basically a hobbit.

Favorite subject in school? In high school, English. In college, probably history.

Dream job? Alas, there is no job out there that would include doing complex work in spreadsheets and databases, and coaching/mentoring other people, and doing some kind of problem solving/information and referral work that gives people immediate assistance. When I did social service type jobs, I felt like I wasn't getting enough mental stimulation, and now that I'm working more analytical jobs I miss the satisfaction of helping people. Oh well.

Like I said, I'm not going to tag 15 people. But I will tag @lazaefair, because you're my most recent follow so I know you the least well.

For cat pics, see below

Truffle, my perfect angel baby:

And Tristan, my little goblin boy:

[weird-homosexual-in-your-area]

You'd worked here for a long, long time. You were sure that you had some experience before opening The Bright Light (if you recalled right, you froze yourself in ice as a last resort to stay alive until the year 73099 to win a bet) but you didn't really care about that. This was much better.

For starters, there was no commute. You lived on site, in a cozy little room with some nice furniture you made (since this was pretty much a giant, multi-person lucid dream, you could just imagine them being there and they'd just appear) which meant that you didn't need to get up early to go to work.

Secondly, you had some really nice regulars. Sam, a 30-something year old woman who fell off a trampoline at her niece's birthday party and fell in a coma, was a favourite of yours, as she never failed to lighten your mood.

Of course, you'd occasionally get a few assholes come in, but you could just imagine them being gone, and they just were.

And in all honesty, one of the biggest perks is that you never had any obligation to open. You could just take an off day whenever.

"Morning, John. Same as always, I presume?" you said, as one of your other regulars, John, walked in.

"Cheers," came the reply. He never was talkative, which is understandable. After being in the same off-white landscape for 17 years, he'd started to lose his love of The Edge (the name of the town you all were in).

In all honesty, that was fair enough. You'd been here for nearly a milennia now, but since you had something to keep you occupied you weren't ever too bored. Coming in this late, when every role that needed filling was filled, must be rough.

Just as he sat down, you realised something. You could see the chair behind him. He was fading. You'd seen people fade several times before, and it was always bittersweet. You wouldn't ever see them again, but they were either going back to the place they loved, or getting the eternal rest they needed. You never knew whether to smile or cry, and it happening to one of your best friends was leaning far further into the bitter.

Then, when Aaron (one of your newer customers) walked in, your heart dropped. He was also translucent. That couldn't be right, you thought. He only came here a few weeks ago, and given that he got in a car crash, you had expected him to be here for another month or 2. Why was he fading too? You went past the counter and checked outside. Your thoughts were going far faster than they ever had before.

But when you got a glimpse of outside, you saw that every single person, building, blade of grass, everything, was see-through. John and Aaron weren't fading.

You were.

You'd planned out what you wanted to do when this day came, but now it was here, you couldn't think straight. You felt something that you hadn't felt in a long while- genuine stress. You knew that you had, at maximum, a minute left in The Edge, and that you probably couldn't do everything, so you boiled it down to the bare essentials.

First of all, you needed to put up the posters advertising the impending occupation opening. Easy enough- that just took a few seconds to stick one to a wall and imagine it on every wall in a mile radius.

Second, announce that the Bright Light was closing. Not the greatest, but quite fast. "Everyone, uhh, the Bright Light is closing until we can find a new owner- I'm fading. First to dibs it gets it!" you said, before dashing off. You knew that you were running out of time, and your legs were feeling weak with adrenaline.

Finally, tell Sam what happened. Easy enough, just imagine yourself in her house. You felt that odd sensation of air rushing past you as you made your swift approach, but when you arrived the place that you expected to see her sitting on the couch watching TV, there was a hand-written note. You picked it up, swiftly reading it.

"To whoever finds this note,

"I'm writing this as I'm fading. I probably have a few seconds left, so I'll make this brief. Thank you, everyone for making my time in The Edge as pleasant as it was.

"I'd also like to specifically thank Jess, owner of the Bright Light Cafe, for always being there to help. If you're reading this, Jess, I hope we can meet some day back on Earth. I lo"

The note cut off there.

She spent her final moments thinking of you.

She possibly even said she loved you.

She wanted to see you.

As your vision began to dissipate like steam billowing away, you had only one thought, which would persist into your earthly self. You needed to find her. You had to tell her that you loved her too.

You run a café on the edge of life and death. Souls who have been departed from their bodies temporarily, such as in comas or near-death experiences, can relax in your quaint cafe for as long as they need before they can either return to their bodies or begin their journey to the afterlife.

[never-not-ever]

Day One

It's like I want to document/journal things but also feel like I just overshare and way too often. I know last time I tried to do updates and sometimes it would be weeks or months later.

Like I was about to start venting starting off by saying "I don't know what I'm doing back here, I think this was a mistake" but like I can just save that for another post.

So dejavu of my last stay, I started off the morning by being super anxious prior to my (first) meeting with my doctor. She used to always wake me up at the ass crack of dawn so you can imagine my anxiety increasing as it got closer to 10am and I hadn't met with them.

But before that.. I got woken up by the medical doctor to look at my arm. It was so silly for him to have to come for the meager shit on my arm but I guess the nurse who did my intake on the unit put the med consult in just to get bacitracin approved.. strange, I don't remember that being a thing last time.

I finally met with my team around 10ish. I feel like I already wrote about this... Just checked and of course I wrote a whole essay on the first meeting lol. I'll put the link below this.

See I really need to keep these up to date cause it was just yesterday and I already forget so much.

I ended up going to the 11am group medication management which was ironic considering I stopped my meds and they played a role in the "SI with plan". I was about to leave the group early cause I was just getting anxious and thinking this is a joke, why are you in group???? But then I ended up staying and asking the pharmacist running it about Lithium. Something my outside doctor mentioned a few sessions ago.

I honestly don't remember what happened after group up until the walk at 2. But I'm glad my doctor put me on level 2 so I could go off unit on the walk. It was freezing and I forgot my jacket so I brought my fuzzy blanket and was debating it for a solid minute but then the counselor taking us out said it was cold so I ran and grabbed it. I didn't run lol, I don't run. But what I do do is give so much unnecessary information 🙃 but what else is new.

The blanket was the best idea and honestly a lot warmer than my jacket would have been. I got some soda at the cafe and I was thinking to myself why did I always get so much soda at a time when I can easily just get more the next day and then it dawned on me that whenever I'd get to level 2 it never lasted long before I was bumped back down to level 1.

After the walk I had a check in with my nurse and it was just word vomit and my thoughts were all over the place. My anxiety was just increasing so I took a prn and then played some cards and chatted with a friend.

The prn was kicking my ass and I ended up taking a nap. I think I woke up around 7 and made some ramen. Maybe played more games with my friend I honestly don't remember. Actually I think I do, it's strange how it's so fuzzy when it was just yesterday! We chatted til 10:30 and then I stayed in one of the common areas til they locked it at 11. I went to my room and tried to watch some Will & Grace but ended up falling asleep on my own again.

I told myself I'd take my actual sleeping meds so I could sleep through the night but I didn't want to leave my bed and I kept waking up and trying to fall back asleep but it never lasted and then it was like 4am and past the cutoff time so I just tossed and turned for the rest of the night.

I was about to continue into the morning but I'll save that for a seperate post. Which I'll probably end up writing tomorrow continuing this pattern of being a day behind. But honestly what does it matter and how long will this even last?