#I should vent about this more because it honestly fuels me with so much anger and if I can turn that inwards

[animazed]

k this may be the withdrawal irritation talking, but literally I need to just channel my aggravation towards yehudit and her failings and just apply them to myself next time I need to do something

[madcatdaderpydrawer-blog]

Thinking about the Scrapped AU but swapped. For some reason they decide Sun is no longer needed (personally I hc Moon has both security and caretaker protocols so he's actually more useful/valuable than Sun is despite him being more of a menace. Simply because he can do both jobs where Sun is pretty much only a caretaker).

Imagine Moon finding out they decommissioned his brother and then he finds out they got rid of Sun because they decided Sun was less useful to them than he was. Feeling horribly guilty because he was always causing problems and always acting up but he was the one to live.

And then he finds Sun hiding deep in the Pixxaplex utility tunnels or the vents. And Sun is nothing like himself anymore. Terrified beyond anything he's ever seen from his brother. And Sun's anxiety is amplified to the max too, on top of him now knowing he ended up like this because Moon was deemed useful rlenough to keep.

Ahhh the pain.

There's one big difference to me honestly; I don't think they'd be able to manage Moons behavior if they did get rid of Sun. Doesn't matter how much support they try to give him, he would not last a month much less a year.

Now would he feel obligated to keep the daycare running to some extent so Sun isn't forgotten? Yes. But would his unbridled hatred towards humanity for taking the one person he cared about most eventually lead to a breaking point? Yes.

Listen he hates people as is, rarely anyone has ever given him or his brother any ounce of consideration in the past. I feel like this would be the tipping point, the point where they lose control of him entirely and all the shit that he's been through just makes him snap. As much as he wants to keep doing his job, I feel like doing it all the time would only remind him of how insanely unfair it is that Sun is gone now, and only fuel his anger more until he hates his job just as much as he hates the employees. The daycare isn't the same without Sun, it's not right that it should live on without him.

It's their daycare. He may not have had a said in what happened to his brother, but he will have a say in what happens to their daycare. Even if it means destroying it himself, endangering the pizza plex, killing anyone that gets in his way.

[karmasuna]

How would the boys handle having a crush on an emotionally reserved girl? [bakugo katsuki, midoriya izuku, todoroki shouto]

Ah, gotcha! Thank you for the clarification, and I hope you like this! 

P.S. I’m sorry this took so long (^^;)

Genre: Fluff

Bakugo Katsuki

-when he first meets you he would probably hate you since you would never react when he yells at you, only staring back at him cooly with a steely gaze before walking away after he yells at you 

-you were known as the Tundra Diva of class 1A, with the chilly and secretive attitude you had towards everyone

-he wouldn’t like how you never seemed to be affected by his outbursts, never giving him any kind of reaction which only fueled his anger and dislike towards you 

-over time he would begin to use you as an emotional punching bag of sorts, coming to you and yelling at you when he was feeling particularly frustrated or just had a hard day

-he would use the excuse that your face was making him angry to yell at you

-and you would just sit there and take it, letting him vent out his frustrations as you continued on with whatever you were doing, occasionally looking up and see whether he was done being angry yet 

-his yelling about how shitty you were eventually turns into full on angry yelling about how dumb everyone else was, and the topic always shifts to whatever he was feeling pissed about that that day

-over time as he came to yell at you about whatever he was angry about more and more, the volume of his yelling decreases, and it becomes more of an angry rant as he complains to you about how stupid all of you were

-and you would start to give him short reactions, giving him one-worded replies to let him know that you were still listening to him and acknowledging how he felt

-soon, he begins to realize that he actually likes doesn’t hate talking to you

-you were the first person to actually acknowledge his feelings instead of just yelling at him to shut up like his mom did or just laugh at him like all your other classmates did

-sure, you didn’t give him much of a reaction when he yelled at you, but from the little you did give him to work with he could tell that you weren’t just humoring him 

-you actually listened to what he had to say, even if your uninterested expression didn’t show it

-eventually him coming to find you to talk about his day would become a daily occurrence, him storming into your room uninvited after dinner every night to angrily complain about his day while you occasionally make sounds of acknowledgement at him 

-the angry muttering softens into regular talking over time, and by that point you were pretty sure that you and Kirishima were the only two people he ever talked to with his inside voice 

-the way he acts around you when the two of you were alone bleeds out into how he treats you at school as well, and your classmates eventually start to notice as well

- “How’d you get Bakugo to be so nice to you?” Mina asks you one day, elbowing you eagerly as she tries to get you to spill the beans about your relationship with the angry blonde

- “I guess we have become acquaintances of sorts.” you tell her curtly, leaving her to gasp in surprise as she runs after you with questions, asking you how in the world you managed to befriend a guy like him 

-the news spreads like wildfire through your classmates, and all of them are surprised to know that the boy famous for his anger issues and you, known for being cold and emotionally reserved are becoming friends

-Kirishima knows his best friend better though, and he hunts Bakugo down and demands to know how the blonde felt about you

- “She’s just okay to talk to,” he answers gruffly. “I don’t hate her.”

-the redhead nearly bursts with delight hearing his best friend admit it out loud

- “You like her, don’t you?”

- Bakugo’s face turns the shade of Kirishima’s hair, and he angry denies it before chucking a book at the other boy and yelling at him to get out, slamming the door in his face

-but it was too late, and a knowing grin spreads across Kirishima’s face as he registered the fact that his best friend has a crush and it was none other than the Tundra Diva

-being left alone, Bakugo is left to his own devices as he feels his thoughts run rampant, letting himself think about you and how he felt about you

-sure, he didn’t really know anything about you but he had a sneaking suspicion that you actually cared about him even with your nonchalant responses to him

-and he feels his face go red as he thinks about you and he realizes 

- “oh fuck me, I have a crush on that idiot.”

 Midoriya Izuku

-Honestly Midoriya would be kind of scared of you at first, with you cool attitude and the fact that you barely talked to anyone, let alone have any friends

-But he would admire your quirk and your skills, and would be secretly taking a lot of notes about your abilities but he would be too shy to ask you questions about your quirk, instead writing down a long list of questions in his notebook 

-The first time you really acknowledge you would be when he accidentally leaves his notebook open on his desk to the page with all the questions he wanted to ask you 

-His detailed drawing and analysis of your costume catches your eye, and you raise your eyebrows in mild surprise when you see the plethora of questions he had written down for you

-Glancing around to make sure no one was around, you sit down and start writing down answers to his questions, adding detailed explanations to help him understand your quirk better

-And when he comes back to his desk his gasps in delight at the rows of neat writing next to his questions that answered all of his questions

-Knowing that only you would know so much about your own quirk, the green-haired boy immediately rushes over to your desk and thanks you profusely for your help

-With a smile that doesn’t quite reach your eyes you nod, telling him that you don’t mind him asking questions

- “Really?? Are you sure?” 

-and from that time on he would come and ask you questions about your quirk and your fighting style every now and then, and you would help him clarify some points that he isn’t too sure about

-it would become a routine of sorts for the two of you, him coming to knock on your door every night to ask you a few questions, and you would answer him patiently and calmly

-he would be so grateful since you were practically the only one who was willing to sit through his constant questioning 

-one day he would just sit there in your room sadly after asking you questions as usual 

- “Is everything alright, Midoriya?” you ask politely after seeing his crestfallen face

- “I don’t think I have any more questions for you anymore,” he says sadly

- Truthfully, you had become used to his daily visits, since he was the first person who actually talked to you at school outside of polite chit chat

-Sometimes it wasn’t that you weren’t willing to be friends with others, people were just too intimidated by your cool exterior to even approach you

- “Isn’t that a good thing?”

- “Well that means I don’t have an excuse to come and see you anymore.”

-you’re surprised by how bluntly he said that, asking him why he would want to come see you

- “Well, I don’t know much about you other than your quirk, but I know that you’re a really nice person and I really want to get to know you better,” he spultters, face turning red when he realized that he was ranting and apologizes when he sees your expressionless face

-and you give him a small smile, and this time it reaches your eyes as you softly tell him that he’s welcome to visit anytime

-he heart warms when he sees your genuine smile for the first time

-and he can’t help but think to himself that he always wants to see you smile like that, and he wants to be the one who makes you smile

-later it’s while he tells Todoroki about what he was thinking at the time that he pauses mid-sentence and realizes that he has a crush on you, his facing flushing bright red 

 Todoroki Shouto

-he wouldn’t pay much attention to you at first, since he himself was quite emotionally inward as well

-he wasn’t one to initiate a conversation with anyone and neither were you, so you never really interacted with each other

-the first time he really takes notice of you is when the two of you get assigned to fight against one another in a practice match    

-and as he tries to analyze your moves and your quirk he realizes that your skills were actually on par with his own, which piqued his interest in you

-after that match he starts doing his own research on you, looking up your name and learning about your quirk 

-eventually, you would be forced to pair up with him more and more often during training, since no one would really approach either of you to ask you to be their partner, with your steely gazes sending everyone running from the two of you

-so you two would end up as a pair every time without fail since you were the only ones left without a partner

-and after multiple times of pairing up with him for various tasks, you two eventually fall into a comfortable dynamic and get used to each other’s style, each complimenting the other nicely

-by then you two would already be known for your seamless teamwork and non-verbal communication one of the best in the entire hero course

-and with that fame rumors also begin to spread about the two of you being together

-those who were brave enough to approach either of you would timidly ask whether the two of you were dating, and you would cooly deny the claims

-but little did you know that everyone constantly telling him that the two of you would make a good couple and that you should get together really did get to Todoroki

-and he couldn’t help but wonder what it would be like if the two of you really got together

-he would brush it off at first, thinking that it was only because people kept on bringing the topic up that it was inevitable that he would think about it 

-but he starts second guessing his true feelings when he sees you talking to Kirishima one day during class

-and he starts feeling uneasy inside as he sees you making small talk with the bright boy 

-sure, Kirishima was a good person and Todoroki knew he harbored no ill intent towards you, and yet at that moment he wanted nothing more but for Kirishima to stop cozying up to you

-Todoroki and you were partners, so why were you getting closer to someone else rather than spending more time with him?

-that night he voices his concerns to Midoriya and Uraraka, and after hearing how he felt the other two exchanged a knowing glance before they turn to look back at the oblivious teen who was looking back at them blankly

- “Are you perhaps jealous?” Uraraka says suggestively, waggling her eyebrows at Todoroki

-and he ponders this idea, wondering if what he was feeling was indeed jealousy

- “Perhaps,” he begins, thinking hard about how he felt about you

- “Todoroki-kun, you have a crush on Y/N, don’t you?” Midoriya exclaims, clapping his hands in delight

-and they excitedly tell the now-blushing boy that the two of you would be perfect for each other, since you were just like him and the two of you could become the icy power couple of 1A

-he does think that that sounds nice, a small smile appearing on his face as he thought about you

- “I think maybe I do like her.”

[excaliefur]

Maybe it is meant to be

Woah ok, first time writing in a l o n g time.

Don’t judge too hard I have no clue what this is. 

Also side note: Story is changing a lot I changed a lot of elements after I finished writing this so just take whatever written here as a temporary thing.

TW: Suicide thoughts, brief mention of death and death from suicide. mention of alcoholism. if there are anymore ask me to tag. 

Word: 2405

Not edited, just reread a couple times.

Cold. Cold and bitter, that was the best way he could have described it. The wind howled in his ear and slapped his face and exposed skin. It hurt,  hurt like mad, the wind felt like thousands of sharp steely knives stabbing him at 100 miles per hour. He didn’t care. Stab away, he thought. He watched the cars and trucks honking and yelling and crying at each other below him. His legs dangling carelessly off the edge. All that noise for something so menial, they’d all reach home eventually, and it didn’t matter if one car was driving too slow,  it’d pick up speed eventually. The traffic noise grew quieter as he stared up at the stars. Glittering brightly, the stars were always a constant in his life. No matter what happened, no matter how many times he had to move or change lives entirely or if he was deep in the city or far away from civilization on a farm. The stars always watched over him. 

His father left each day, nobody knew which one would be his last. His mother grew pale every time she heard of an accident on the news, he would watch as she grabbed a bottle to calm herself. He stayed up all night, listening to her soft crying as she waited with bated breath, praying that the noises she heard were his father returning home. The door opened and light spread in the living room. The door always opened. He could hear his mother run out and give a tight hug to his father. He could hear the sobbing from both ends. One day his luck will run out though, and the door won’t open again. 

Opening his eyes, he looked at his grimy hands. The nails were long and sharp, and his hands were covered in small cuts and bruises. Manual labor takes a toll on the body, especially since he was too young when he started out. Wiping his hand on his tight jeans, he let out a short laugh. What did he do to deserve this life? He had nothing but an alcoholic mother, a father who was a ticking time bomb, and the stars. He knew he was lucky to have parents at all. School was nothing but a drag, his classmates ignored him, his teachers ignored him, they all knew he wouldn’t graduate and gave up on him before he could prove himself. The loneliness was killing him. His voice scratchy from barely being used, his hair messy and long, it took too much effort and money to cut it. 

He shivered, the thin jacket he was wearing did nothing to block the wind. Sitting up, he held his legs close to him, trying to maintain a little heat. Why was he even trying? What was the purpose? He didn’t know and he didn’t care anymore. Everyone gave up on him, why didn’t he give up on himself yet? The 15 year old boy shook his head, it was too cold. The noise from the cars grew even quieter as he stared at the flashing lights and sirens. Maybe he should do it, it would end his suffering quicker, and nobody would miss him, god knows if his parents even realise he’s alive. The concrete below him looked so inviting. If he could just, push himself-

“Hey” came a voice from behind. The boy shook, not having realised a girl standing behind him, at the door of the roof. The voice was soft and caring, so different from the voice he was used to hearing. The lack of roughness and quietness calmed him. He sucked in some air before replying. “H-hey” he said, his voice nothing more than a whisper. He coughed quietly. His voice had become deeper and he didn’t even realise it. 

“Mind if I join you?” That caught him off guard. Why was she here? He stared blankly at her as she slowly stepped forward. She could see the reluctance on his face. He began to shift backwards as she got closer and she stopped. Putting her hand up she spoke “Woah, ok, I’ll stay here.” He shifted again, but just to position himself in a way to see her clearly. She had brown curls dangling down her face. She sat down slowly, she was clearly trying not to make him uncomfortable, and spoke again “Can I ask what you’re doing up here on a night like this?”

“Came to see the stars” He replied. It wasn’t a lie technically. He just needed to get out of his apartment. She nodded, and looked up. He could hear her breath hitch for a second. “Woah” she whispered, staring at the millions of tiny white lights blinking in and out of vision. “It’s- beautiful” he could hardly hear her speak. The wind still howled in their ears. “Yeah”

“Hey, look, those ones there,” She said, pointing. “They form Orion’s belt. That one’s Alnitak, next to it is Alnilam and the one on that side is Mintaka,” He scanned the sky searching for them. “They form that line, you see?” she informed, pointing at 3 bright stars, brighter than the other ones. He nodded, he could see them now. “I’ve always loved astronomy, never could see stars as clearly as I can right now though” she murmured.

They sat there, staring at the sky, in silence until she broke it again. “Can I ask why you’re up here this late?” it was another murmur, he strained his ears to hear it. He stiffened up. “Like I said, the stars” His voice cracked and his mouth went dry, she wasn’t believing it. “Is it, because of, you know the, the thing” She stuttered, clearly she was uncomfortable. He sighed. “Yeah” He whispered, pulling his knees to his chest and staring at the ground. He could feel tears threatening to fall, praying that she wouldn’t notice. Why did he even care about what she thought of him? They literally just met. 

She interrupted his stream of thoughts as she put her hand on his shoulder. The soft touch made him melt. He’d never felt like this before. “It’s not worth it, trust me please.” she whispered. He glanced up and caught a glimpse of her face. Fixed in a small frown, her hazelnut eyes stared deep into his. He felt a surge of sudden anger, who knows where it came from, certainly not him. He jerked her hand off “How would you know” he spat. Honestly, he didn’t mean it, it just came out. 

She sighed, putting her arm down and kneeling beside him. “I’ve been there, I understand.” His anger came back but more violently this time. He stood up and walked around her, to the other side of the roof. “You don’t understand my situation, you don’t understand anything about me” She stood too, a small fire in her eyes that he hadn’t seen yet. 

“I understand more than you know, and if I truly don’t get you then help me understand. I just want to help” He scoffed. How could she understand this? Who the hell was she even. “I’m serious. I don’t want to watch another life waste away for a fixable problem.” Another? She couldn’t have been more than 15 though. “Have you-” He was cut off. “My brother”. Her voice was sharp, startling him. He softly mouthed a small “oh” She sighed again, turning and walking to sit beside a vent. He stood for a second, before choosing to sit next to her. 

“I’m sorry” he whispered. This was his first conversation with someone his age for a long time and he went and messed it up again. “It’s fine, It was a long time ago and I’ve come to terms with it. I just, don’t want to see anyone go through it again. It hurts people more than you know” She said. He nodded. They sat in silence again, for a few seconds. Till he broke the silence for the first time. 

“Right, we’ve been talking for a long time and I don’t even know your name, what is it?” The bluntness kind of shocked her. He felt like a kid again and blushed, hoping she didn't notice. “Well, I suppose I could ask you the same question.” oh so she was avoiding it, who was this girl? He shook his head tiredly, he couldn’t give her his name, not when he bore a big title with it. Even without the words she seemed to understand as she nodded. 

“Well I can’t just call you roofboy.” she said, he laughed softly “And I can’t just call you stargirl.” he replied. “Touché���. They sat silently with bated breaths, until she giggled softly. He smiled and put his head down, afraid of being seen. Her giggle grew into a laugh which fueled his laugh which fueled her laugh until they were both red and holding their stomachs from pain. It was nice, nice to have laughed so freely and truly, after so long. 

“Well then roofboy, how about we get a name for you?” she said, in a lighthearted tone. He laughed and stood, holding his hand out for her to stand. As she grabbed it and stood he replied, matching her singsong tone “Ok then stargirl, do you have an idea?” She gazed up again, he could almost hear her thinking. 

“I do actually” she replied, softer and more serious this time. “How about, Sirius,” she asked. Sirius, Sirius. That, sounded really nice. It just, fit. He didn’t know how to explain it, it just felt right. Taking his silence as displeasure she stammered “I mean if you don’t like it we can think of another one-” He placed his hand on her shoulder. His eyes locked in with her, and for the first time he could see the fire in her eyes, her willingness to never give up. “I love it”

She sighed, and her shoulders dropped as her mouth curved into a slight smile. “That's good.” For the first time, the boy, Sirius, truly smiled at her. 

“Wait wait wait, we’re not done just yet. I need to think of a name for you first.” He reminded her playfully. She laughed and beckoned for him to continue. His smile dropped into a small frown as he thought. 

His thoughts drifted, from the stars and the moon to the sun and all above. All of it just reminded him of greek mythology. Oh how he loved greek mythology. He spent hours of his youth poring over books and stories and tales in the library. That's it, greek mythology. “How about, Artemis?” he suggested. Her eyes lit up and he could see a small blush on her face which she tried to hide. 

“That's perfect. Thank you” she replied after a moment. Sirius smirked. “No need to thank me, m’lady” he said, exaggerating an accent and bowing before her. “Oh shut up Sirius” She laughed at him, and smacked him slightly. He stood before her again, they were both around the same height, not much of a surprise as Sirius wasn’t a very tall boy. He rubbed his neck awkwardly, as she blushed again. 

“Hey Artemis, It’s nice to meet you.” He said. “It’s nice to meet you too, Sirius” she replied. The honking of the cars below and the bitter wind long forgotten, as they smiled at each other. 

Artemis jumped. “Oh no, what time is it? I’ve probably got to go home soon before my mother notices I’m gone” Sirius frowned. He glanced at the tiny watch he hand strapped around his right hand and raised his eyebrow. “It’s almost midnight woah” he said. 

Artemis gasped “Oh no, she surely noticed by now, I need to go.” Her voice was strong, but Sirius could hear the worry creeping in. She raced towards the door and opened it, the fluorescent lights blinding them momentarily. “Wait before you go- will I see you again?” He asked, speaking without thinking. What kind of question was that? So stupid and cringey he hated it. “If fate allows for it I’ll be here again soon.” she responded. That was an oddly poetic response. He hadn’t expected that. 

She turned to walk down the steps but just before she closed the door she stopped. Opening it up again she asked “Can I ask you something really quick?”

That caught Sirius off guard. “Uh sure, go ahead” he said, not really sure of what was happening. “Why Artemis?” she murmured. “Why did you pick artemis for me?” she clarified.

“Uh, it just, fits, it fits for you.” He replied. What was he supposed to say? That’s just it, it just seemed perfect for her. She nodded, lost in thought. “Yeah, yeah I understand. Thanks.” She said as she began to close the door again. That question actually made him think. Why did she choose Sirius for him? She didn’t seem much like a Harry Potter fan. “Wait- why did you think of Sirius for me?” She paused. Walking back out onto the roof she stared straight up, searching for something. Probably a star. When she found it she beckoned him over. 

Following her outstretched arm, he caught sight of a star, it was tiny, one of the smallest one he could see, but it was incredibly bright. “That star there is called Sirius. I thought it fit for you, because no matter how small or insignificant it seems, it's the brightest star we can see. Nothing will ever compare to it.” she murmured to him. Woah. Ok. This girl is definitely a poet. He stared at it, Sirius huh. Brightest huh. She turned around and walked out. Just before she left she turned to him and smiled. “Until next time. See you soon” and she shut the door. 

Staring at the spot she was standing in he muttered a few words he hadn’t said in a long time. “Goodnight, goodnight, Parting is such sweet sorrow, That I shall say good night till it be morrow.” 

He sighed. Staring back up to the sky. Who was this girl that made him feel like this. Taking one final look at it all, the roof, the traffic below and the stars above, he smiled to himself again, and turned back to his house, back to his prison. However this time it felt a little more free.

_______________________________________________________

Welp that was something

[acrobaticcatfeline]

Unstable (A Fe Sides Fic)

Word Count: 2171

TW: It’s another vent fic babyyy swearing, yelling, insults, threats (sort of), an excess of anxiety, there’s an intrusive thought from one of them about jumping off of a building but its one line that she gets scolded for. I think that’s it but if there’s more let me know!

Notes: I had a really rough week last week and now that I’m done with school I have time to write fun things again and I needed a vent. It also is part of rebuilding my personal mind palace! I plan on making more with these guys, they are really easy to write honestly, it was like an out of body experience.

Pairings: Lol nope, not even a little bit no.

Summary: The mind palace was usually quiet. The facets did not all get along, and everyone is high strung during Quaranfinals. Someone needs to step in and get this train moving again.

The mind palace was usually rather quiet. All facets left each other alone for the most part, hoping to stay functional and avoid unnecessary fusions but the last few weeks had been out of the norm. Inge was high strung as ever and was snapping at the smallest inconveniences and that wasn’t even addressing the others.

“Listen here you unstable mother fucker! We don't have time for your whiny depressed bullshit right now! She has two huge finals and your fucking cahoots with Barbie is the opposite of helpful! She needs to WORK and you guys are actively working against that! Don't either of you care about her future?!”

“How about you shut your trap for 5 seconds and drop your high and mighty act? The only reason me and Izzy have been working against you is because you have been failing at your job ever since this quarantine started. If you actually did your fucking job maybe me and Iz wouldn’t be falling down a hole ourselves. For someone who needs to have so much control all the time it's surprising how little you’re ever able to keep. You act like you're the ringleader around here when it's obviously Izzy and Lia. I may not like Lia but at least she can work with me. You on the other hand-”

Lia and Isadora were nervous. They were onlookers in the argument and couldn't get a word in edgewise to stop them. Izzy was trying to hide in her Roman Sanders sweater and Lia was hidden in her hoodie that was too big on her, biting her thumb as her eyes darted everywhere but the fight. In the real world Fe was closing her laptop with a sigh, desperate to go and take a nap. She looked quickly to Izzy with all she had to say, communicated in the glance. Suddenly the palace shook and Inge snapped her head at Lia who was very interested at her chewed up Crocs and not the anger filled gazes directed at her.

“LIA WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!”

“She's too stressed. If you keep at this you're gonna wake up T and that wont help you in getting her to do her work. If T gets up right now she's gonna fail and we all know it. Let Izzy calm her down for a bit. See, she's only taking a half an hour long nap, like her dad told her to. We all just need to chill for a bit.”

Lia was scratching at her face and Inge finally let the anger and annoyance leave her. She gently swatted at Lia’s hand, placing a quickly conjured sheet of bubble wrap in it. Lia smiled at the floor, still not meeting her eyes, vaguely worried at the signs of T waking up, hoping beyond hope that she was just still channeling the hyperactivity that Fe was plagued with. Izzy was meanwhile glassy eyed, placing herself on the floor blindly, waving her hands about in a way that all three recognized as her weaving a dream. It was wonderful to watch, extremely relaxing to see her go off on an adventure of her own design. It was almost meditative to watch her methodical movements, the simple twists of her wrists as she moved the story along. Lia busied herself with popping the bubbles, as Carli and Inge both left to busy themselves in their own wings of the palace. Lia sat across from Isadora, glancing up at her every once in a while. She muttered quietly to herself and maybe Izzy as well.

“She's waking up. I don't know what we’re gonna do, we really gotta get Fe through this last week, but Isa will stop us, I know she will, but how are we supposed to still get things done”

“We’ll figure it out”

Lia’s head snapped up at Izzy whose eyes were still unseeing as she spoke.

“Talisa works with us. We just need to convince her to use her strengths to support us in this. I know she can. Besides, dreams are so much more fun with her around. Who knows, maybe daydream mode will help her write her essay”

Lia smiled softly as she felt comfortable enough to look Izzy in the eyes that couldn't see her. She nodded and went back to her bubble wrap, far more content with the slow draining of anxiety from her body. At least until the palace shook again.

“AAAAAH!!! Well what a wonderful time to be alive eh? Heh, that's a joke, gods, she's asleep and she's still exuding panic like no one's business!”

Out of a darkened corridor walks Talisa in all her glory and self deprecation. There was yet another shake as Fe awoke. Isadora’s eyes cleared in an instant as she rose to her feet.

“Oh boy, Pops woke her up? Ooooh that's not great. I'm sure she's gonna be off all day huh Iz? Oh that's just fuel for this, gosh what have I missed?”

“Quarantine you lucky bitch”

Izzy walks to her with a cocky grin and does a simple handshake with the crazy eyed side. Talisa’s eyes glance around the room. She grins wider, scratching at her scalp.

“All this panic and mania and I wasn't invited? I feel like I should be insulted!”

Lia rose as well, abandoning the bubble wrap as the need to stim left her, and walked over. She smiled small and avoided her face.

“She's got homework. Its, it's all homework now, everything's homework. I haven't been helpful much, but I knew you would probably make it all harder for her, I've been enough of a hindrance for her, I imagined she probably wouldn't do well being overly mentally compromised AND lazy as all get out”

“Oh Lia! I'm wounded! I'm not all bad! Plus-”

There was a sudden shift of the palace again as Fe sat down and started furiously writing her essay, anxiety as her fuel, aided by a giant cup of soda from the gas station.

“A little blood pumping’s good for the brain, ain't it? She just needs a little push! Maybe off of a building eh? Sounds like a ball!”

“Yo, you've been up for less than 5 minutes, stop with that shit, give her a week maybe? So we can properly talk her down?”

“Oh fine, I guess my premium service can wait to activate!”

Her hands moved from her scalp to her arms, scratching without conviction. Isadora softly took her hand off, stopping the scratching and handing her a fidget cube to replace the destructive stim.

“Ohhhh! This is neato mojito Dora!!! Where'd you think this un up? It's pretty! It's my colors too! Ain't that sweeter than molasses! Why I've been so rude, how've you been doing Dora? And you Lia?”

The two smiled. They genuinely liked her, she was nice to be around, while she had her problems, she didn't get mean and angry like Inge and Carli do. She was just… manic. A little odd, maybe crazy, but she wasn’t mean. She didn't yell, and it calmed the two. And they got along well anyways, Lia because she often was a placeholder for her when Fe wasn’t extra out of it and knew how to deal with her quirks, and Dora because divergence fed her like nothing else, made her imagination run wild.

“Whoo! Well ladies, looks like I've got my work cut out for me eh? She invited that boy over last week and that was the first time she saw him in weeks? Oh and her other school friend left her group chat? Yikes, she's a right mess!”

“Yup. she… hasn't been adjusting well to all of this well”

“I’ll say!”

Talisa fidgeted absently with the cube in her hand as she walked around the palace commons, looking around at the scenery. The walls, usually a light lavender were dark violet and the paint was peeling in spots, revealing a gooey black underside. The TV was stuck on a looping image of the most recent Sanders Sides episode. She grinned wide enough to look uncanny, bending her back to crack her spine, almost splitting in half and did a spin as she rose again. She interlocked her fingers and cracked the lot of them and twisted her neck to pop that as well. 

“What are you about to do?”

“Why, what I do best dear Lia!”

She jumped in the air snapping her fingers twice. Her appearance changed, her extraordinarily unruly hair was tied back in a ponytail, tucked through the hole in the back of her baseball cap with the Slytherin logo across the front of it. Her shirt that had been well worn from being worried between her fingers as well as used as pajamas, changed to a tangent hoodie, her shorts with frayed strings switched to a flower patterned pair of leggings, and a skateboard appeared under her feet. She spun around on the board with her wild smile never leaving her face.

“WE’RE ON THE HIGHWAY TO HYPERFOCUS BABES!!! And a little smidge of depression but hey it’ll add to its effectiveness”

It was then that Inge and Carli came running and screamed simultaneously.

“LIA YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO KEEP HER ASLEEP!!!”

“Couldn't you for once just do something that was helpful for Fe?”

Talisa stopped in mid spin, turning slowly to look at Carli and Inge. She was no longer smiling. She was glaring and she stepped off of her board and took slow methodical steps towards the two.

“Now now girls, there's no need to scream!”

She was completely in Inge’s face when she said her next words.

“Isn't that right brainiac?”

Inge nodded instantly, fear filling her instantly. Talisa then turned to Carli and grabbed her by the collar of her dress. She glared hard into her eyes and began to grin as Carli’s eyes filled with panic and she avoided her gaze.

“And just for your information, Lia is more helpful than you could ever hope to be, you coward. For someone whose supposed to be confidence you’d think you might be able to share some of that with our host instead of sitting in your room at 3 in the morning and crying into Ramen over the fact that she still isn't in a relationship”

She released Carli, who fell to the ground and scrambled as far away from her as possible and sobbed quietly in the corner she curled up in. and then a moment later, her entire demeanor changed and she smiled happily.

“Oh hi there gals! I was just starting to get Fe to get working!”

Inge blinked owlishly. Her head tilted, as if the whole interaction before held no merit over what Talisa had just said.

“What? But I thought?”

She walked to the TV screen, changing the screen to be a first person view of Fe working away on her essay. Inge made a noise of confusion as she looked back at Talisa yet again.

“But, but you’re a hindrance! You, you make her life a living hell, how is she still doing her work?”

“You know what I do right? Like, you know what my job is? Come on pinky and the pain, I do ADHD yeah, but I also do anxiety and depression. If she doesn't get this stuff done she’ll fail, doncha think that'd drive her to be anxious enough to get it done? If she doesn't she’ll be depressed as all hell, there's no chance she can do law school if she can't even pass an English course. And the bonus of ADHD is that sticky hyperfocus! She’ll be done with that essay before Thursday, and that test for math?”

The palace shook again as the TV showed her turning in her math test. Talisa grinned.

“I’d say it was a walk in the park, wouldn't you? But you know, on an unrelated note, we should really fix that shaking affect, makes me dizzy”

Inge stared in shock and Carli did the same. Talisa stuffed her hands into her front pocket on her jacket and went over to the beanbag across from the TV and plopped down onto it. She pulled her right hand out and chewed on her thumb as she watched the screen. Her job was done for the moment so she let herself relax as she felt the others do the same. Inge rushed back to her room to help aid Fe with the memories needed for writing her essay, but the others placed themselves somewhere in the common room. Carli sat on her love seat and watched the screen intently. Izzy fell asleep quickly, not being needed for the moment, same for Lia, the both of them curling up with Talisa. She let her left hand leave her pocket to pat Lia's head. The only noise was coming from the soft snoring of the sleeping sides and the TV projecting the real world. Finally, finally, the mind palace was quiet again.

Taglist: @fivebyfive-finebyfive @tacohippy56900 @analogical-mess @crookedlyoptimisticdestiny @angels-and-dreams @fandomloverangel

Let me know if you want to be tagged in my writing or taken off my list!

Thank you for reading I will see you later ladies lords and nonbinary royalty!

[bodyofvvater]

tug

so like. four months ago i wrote this little thing about one of my da oc’s paloma and @thekeeperlavellan‘s drew (featuring a few mentions of @triforks‘s percy, paloma’s older brother). it was supposed to be longer and it kind of ended on a sour note when it was Supposed to have a happy ending (it still does canonically have one), but i got busy with school and never finished it. nevertheless i’m kinda proud of it so here it is lol

Paloma knows full well that crying gets you nowhere.

She tried it, certainly, when she was younger--barely six, if she recalls. Tired and scared and holding a bow, way too big to be balanced. Her arms shook and her aim was off and Percy tried to help, but there wasn’t much to do without getting caught. And she sat on the ground, screeching her lungs out, believing in all her childish naivete that it would change the mind of whoever was overseeing her training that day.

All she got for her trouble was a kick to the ribs.

And she’ll admit--if only to herself, and maybe Percy--that she was up crying all night after taking her first life. That didn’t change anything either; she still had to get up and do the same thing the next day.

She learned to cope.

Sadness turned into anger, and crying turned into fuming, and her greatest flaw turned into fuel to get more work done--and maybe Percy looked at her with a sorrow too great to describe when she smiled with blood on her clothes, but at least she wasn’t hurting.

One night, a few months ago, Percy asked her if doing this ever made her sad. She couldn’t remember.

Maybe that was the closest she got to being sad--upsetting her brother. They were all each other ever had--he was the one face she counted on seeing at the end of the day, no matter what. Nothing hurt more than when he looked at her like he couldn’t recognize hers.

That, she thinks, might be why she finds herself whaling on a training dummy with tears obscuring her vision as the sun paints the sky above her orange and red. Because her stupid, selfish, good-for-nothing brother isn’t the last face she sees every day now--or the first. He left her in the mountains surrounded by zealots to fight for a cause they were both supposed to care about.

It’s been a month or two. She kept it together for a while. Quietly fuming, of course, as she read the stupid letter he left behind time and time again. But she smiled around strangers, and talked to new people, and wrote a hundred strongly-worded letters back that she had no idea where to send.

She was doing just fine, honestly. Until--well, until Drew decided to fuck her whole shit up.

He helped at first. He was quiet, no-nonsense, didn’t ask questions when she got intense during sparring. He gave ground when she needed to get in an extra hit, and he didn’t hit too hard when her fury left her open. Sometimes, when he was the one taking extra hits, Paloma thought he might’ve forgotten how to feel sad, too.

The unfortunate thing about being a Crow, Paloma thinks, is that she’s too observant for her own good. Because what on the surface looked like a grave, if slightly awkward, man who was willing to let an angry elf take her frustrations out on his absolute mountain of a body quickly proved to contain an ocean of things left unsaid.

The waves of it shone through in the in-between moments. When he lost focus, when they were resetting, when he cracked a rare smile. And maybe she read too much into it, and maybe she shouldn’t be looking for anything more than what he was showing her in the first place, but the little things started to look bigger and bigger to her.

Like how he paused every time he knocked her off her feet, as if he was worried he might have actually hurt her. The awkward but genuine smile when Paloma made bad jokes, the occasional half-laugh when they were particularly corny. His steely focus in every move he made, how quickly he shed it when he thought he might hit a little too hard.

And then, of course, what would inevitably do Paloma in; Drew’s stupidly open, concerned, empathetic expression when she first showed up with her ribs and back on full display, painted in scars from years of harsh training.

“Are--” he’d started, and then he’d promptly shut up--because he didn’t wanna know or because he didn’t think it was his place, Paloma wasn’t sure. No matter; he’d looked at her then like she was something precious, or worthwhile, or maybe just no less important than anyone else.

Paloma knows full well that crying gets you nowhere. She had to dig her fingernails into her palm in that moment to keep her eyes from welling up.

And that’s the big fuck-you that Drew keeps dangling in her face. Because Paloma is too observant for her own good, and even if he put on that same expression every time, even if he appeared as no-nonsense as ever, Drew got… softer with her. After that.

Not in a weird way--not even in a patronizing way, she thinks, even if she would love to name it so and call it a day. He was just softer. Kinder. In the way that only someone who truly means it can be.

And Paloma isn’t one for habits--they’re hard to kick and too recognizable, too easy to trace back to her--but maybe she sheds a few tears one night thinking about the look he gives her sometimes, and maybe she sheds a few more the next night thinking about how desperately she needs to vent to Percy about it.

Maybe it turns into a habit. Just every few nights, guilty tears spilled over frustrations and anger and desperate loneliness, all clinging so tight to her chest they’re bound to leave scars of their own.

It’s always short though, short and sweet, a moment of weakness she allows herself because no one’s here to tell me not to.

And for a while it’s enough to tide her over. Just enough release for her to coil back up, tight and ready to snap. But the hurt doesn’t go, it stays clinging to her chest, digs into skin and bones until she feels like she’s made of it.

And then she’s here. Beating a training dummy within an inch of its non-existent life, wailing like a fucking child.

She wouldn’t have let herself if she knew there was anyone around. With the sun low in the sky, people filtering into taverns and beds, settling in for the evening, Paloma allowed every crack in the facade to tear open at once. And yes, it was stupid--so unbelievably contrary to her in her entirety--but she thought maybe she deserved just this one moment.

Apparently she doesn’t. Someone clears their throat behind her.

For just a moment, she freezes, quiets. Her previously rapid breath catches in her chest, cool evening air coming to what feels like a boiling point where it sits with her temper. But her legs shake, the muscles in her arms suddenly aching and restless, and she’s cold, freezing.

Whatever reason she once possessed left with Percy, she thinks. With a yell that makes her own ears ring, she swings at the training dummy again. And again, and again, and again, and for a moment the adrenaline of it all clouds her head enough to forget someone is there. Then that someone has their hands on her shoulders.

“Paloma,” and Maker, the sound of his voice makes her want to go limp and take a swing at him in equal measure.

Her vision is blurry with tears, but there’s no mistaking the man in front of her when she turns to look at him. Drew stares down at her, that concerned expression painting his features yet again. And as much as Paloma wants to wipe it off, tell him to quit it--anything to make him stop, anything to untie him from her--she can’t. She can’t.

“Are you--” he starts, then stops, mouth still open. Like he doesn’t know how to ask, or what he’s even asking. Maker, she doesn’t know whether she wants him to ask anything at all.

Spite is the only thing letting Paloma hold eye contact as silence stretches between them. He’s still searching, she thinks, looking for something she’s not sure he even knows how to begin to articulate.

His hands are still on her shoulders. It feels like they’re burning.

“What’s going on?” he finally settles on. His tone is quiet enough to almost catch in the wind and be carried off.

And that may be the worst question he could’ve asked, or maybe the best, because Paloma lets out another sob, and then a broken chuckle as she looks to the bleeding sky.

“Everything,” she laughs. It’s a humorless one, and one with a lot of embarrassing tears, and clearly it’s not even really worth it, because Drew looks even more confused than he did previously.

And suddenly Paloma is profoundly angry, because fuck this guy. Fuck him and his looks and his smile, his awkward comfort and care, fuck his stupid hands, beautiful hands, warm hands, hands on her shoulders.

“I don’t think I understand,” he says, and she scoffs at that.

“I’m so--” she says, still matching his quiet tone, then shakes her head, shakes her shoulders. Shakes him off. “Percy is gone, and the world is ending, and everyone looks at me like I’m gonna eat their children while they sleep, and you--”

“Paloma--” Drew tries to cut her off, but she speaks louder.

“You’re everywhere! You’re in the great hall and on the battlements and on the training grounds, you’re in my head, all the time, you’re-- I can’t stop thinking about you! And you just keep smiling like it’s nothing, but it’s not nothing, Drew, it’s everything!”

She realizes she’s not making much sense, but she only stops when she runs out of breath. She’s panting, and the night is suddenly unbearably cold without Drew’s hands on her, and-- Maker, he’s looking at her like she’s the strangest thing he’s ever seen. She feels like it, too.

There’s another pause, filled only with her heavy breathing and the occasional distant sounds of people moving from the tavern to the castle.

She thinks maybe she should be panicking that she said so much. And maybe she is, underneath everything. Maybe somewhere under all the rage and hurt and desperation for something to change, there’s a part of her that’s terrified of everything she let slip. As it stands, she’s just feels a little hollow.

“I’m--” Drew starts, reconsiders. Starts over. “I don’t know what that means.”

And Paloma doesn’t know what to do with that, because she doesn’t know how to make it more clear. She’s not good with words, and she’s certainly not good with feelings, and right now he requires both from her.

She feels like a storm, trying to find the words that will make him get it. Everything in her roaring at once.

“It means--” she seethes, “I--”

Another pause, a million words on her tongue.

“You’re just-- I can’t--”

“Hey,” he says, quiet again, and she realizes a new bout of tears have made their way to her cheeks. He lifts his hands, cautious, like he’ll stop at the slightest sign of hesitation from her, and puts them on her forearms this time. Tugs at her elbows so slightly she barely feels it, a silent invitation, if you need it.

And something changes in her, so suddenly she feels dizzy with it. A sudden quiet, an unclenching of every furious muscle in her body with the realization that this is the softest anyone has ever been with her.

For all of Percy’s brother-ing, for all of the wandering hands of strangers in taverns along the road, for all of her own attempts at comfort, nothing has come close to this. A tug, a silent offering.

Drew was about to say something else, she thinks. Suddenly it takes second place to the words desperately crawling their way up her throat.

“I love you,” she says, maybe the most honest she’s ever been.

It’s quiet for a moment.

“Oh,” Drew says, eyes wide. Still holding her elbows. “Uh-- Thanks?”

And then the quiet is over, and a flash flood of emotion washes over Paloma--the anger, the hurt, the hollowness, the desperation. All topped with the panic that lived beneath it all, suddenly settling in her lungs like a parasite. She wants to cough, or throw up, or stop breathing.

Because what the fuck is Drew even supposed to do with that. Who the fuck is she to tell him that, to take their good and functional and casual friendship and smash on the ground before him. She might as well have asked him to pick up the pieces.

Why the fuck would she think he wanted that from her.

“I have to go,” she breathes, yanks her elbows out of his frozen hands. Her legs feel numb as she moves, but she moves all the same; toward the tavern or the castle or Antiva, she’s not sure.

She doesn’t look back.

[imnoexpertblog]

Back at It Again with the Self-Reflection

7/17/18

I am back. You might have read in my previous blog (generous word for it, it was basically just an update) that I needed a break. I was having a very rough week and my anxiety was at all all-time time high. Why this was happening is neither here nor there, since it was all resolved. Thankfully. But I didn’t lose any weight during the worst anxiety I’ve had in almost a year! That is a huge deal. Anxiety causes me to lose my appetite normally, but not this time. I noticed I was eating normally, not gagging on my food, not nauseated by the thought of eating, etc. I also noticed some other things about myself during this hard week. Self-reflection was forced upon me and I came out of it all finding more out about myself than I have in a long time.

First epiphany; I’m too nice sometimes (all the time). I have a hard time being real and honest. I sugar-coat things for others and I end up hurting myself as a result. The thought of someone being upset with me or disliking me sometimes tears me apart and it can cause me to put their feelings before my own in order to avoid that. This is necessary at times, but I need to start putting my own mental health first. I drive myself nuts worrying about everyone else. I never take care of myself, especially when I need it the most. They say you can’t pour from an empty cup, and they are correct. The way you take care of yourself (or not) catches up to you eventually. Being up front about things might be really hard in certain situations or with certain people, but its worth it if it means you are doing what’s best for your own wellbeing. Watering things down doesn’t benefit anyone. The other party isn’t getting the entire story which means they can’t take the necessary steps to mitigate the problem. And this also means that you’ve just told them that what they are doing is okay. Or you can avoid this whole mess by just being 100% real. The truth really can set you free. I wish I could be more selfish but it’s just not in me. I wish it was easy to say, “Screw everyone else,” and do what I need to do or say what I need to say. But I am glad I recognize it because now I can actively try to change it. I am going to stop setting myself on fire to keep others warm.

I’ve been getting a lot of advice as of late. Advice I wasn’t seeking. As big as how to handle family drama to as insignificant as what to do with my hair. So. The second thing I’ve noticed about myself; the older I get, the less tolerant I am about receiving advice I didn’t ask for. I’ll be honest, I rarely ask anyone for advice. It’s not because I’m too proud for it or anything like that. It’s because (and I say this with as much modesty as possible) I usually know how to handle things already, or I at least know how I want to handle it. I vent a lot to those I am close to. It’s how I cope. It’s often mistaken as asking for advice, though. But that isn’t what it is. Sometimes I just need to bitch about something to someone. Someone who will listen and someone who will agree with me. Someone who will let me be mad or upset or irritated for the vent session. I understand why my listener tries to give me counsel in those moments. Venting can easily be misconstrued as asking for help. But what I do get sick of right away is when people go out of their way to tell me what they think I am doing or should be doing. “I say this because I care.” Sometimes I want to say, "Okay, well, care quietly." LOL. It’s even worse when it’s out of the blue from someone I wasn’t even talking to about my issues. I am aware that they mostly mean well, but it’s not their place. I think this is a sensitive aspect of communication and if it is not requested or welcomed, don’t advice others. I’ve also been told I am too defensive about this. This all might stem from my problem with being perceived as if I can’t hold my own. And that is how I feel when anyone expresses concern for me at all. It makes me wonder what I’ve been doing wrong up until that point. It’s very much an anxiety trigger for me. Perfection was drilled into my brain from the start and that’s something I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to shake. At least not completely. It’s one of the things I am working on.

The last revelation I have had; I am very much done letting negativity get to my daily life. The week I just had really tested me. It tested my temper, my urge to hold grudges, my stubbornness, my spitefulness, and more. And for the most part, I didn’t give in to any of that. This week tested me for sure, but it also gave me opportunities. It gave me the opportunity to forgive, to be honest, to let go, to admit my wrongs. I took those opportunities. You know what I got in return? Happiness. There has been so much over the course of my whole life that’s hurt me. There are a million things I could hold against others or use to fuel hatred and anger. For the longest time, I held onto resentment. It. Is. Exhausting. Anxiety, worry, sadness, losing sleep, losing weight, missing out on feeling happy. Holding onto negativity wasn’t teaching anyone a lesson. It wasn’t giving anyone a taste of their own medicine. It was hurting me more than anyone else. I realized this when I asked myself, “Why would I actively and consciously choose to push someone away when I can let it go and choose to be happy instead?” I've actually always forgiven too easily, but I realize I don’t mind that about myself. That being said, there are people I haven’t forgiven for certain things, but I have let those things go. Forgiving and letting go are different to me. I might not forgive you, but I’m not mad or using whatever happened against you, either. This comes down to your level of maturity and sensibility. How you react in general is a choice, and you can choose to be happy. It honestly took me making a mistake to see it this way. The potential of someone else shutting me out on purpose for something I didn’t do to intentionally cause damage made me see that anger and grudges aren’t the answer to anything. I always thought people’s actions cause me to feel the way I do, but that isn’t true. That is an excuse. You are responsible for how you react and how you feel. It is possible to have a falling out or part ways with someone and avoid resentment, negativity, and the rest of the bad stuff. You just have to decide if anything is truly worth compromising your own happiness for. In my opinion, nothing is.

Okay, I’m going to continue to be honest here. I was really messed up over not writing for over a week. It made me feel like I was leaving all of you hanging or as if I would lose my following by not staying current and relevant. Thinking about it too long would make me very anxious. (This is what I meant earlier, by the way. I’m way too worried about everyone else before myself). I also know as a rational and reasonable person that none of you are upset with me for taking a break, but anxiety is not rational or reasonable. I’m just thankful that half of my brain can acknowledge reality. So I guess I’m trying to say thanks for being patient with me and remaining in my corner.

ANYWAY. I promise I will be back with the categorized blogs of entertainment, food, and health & beauty this week. I have a lot of things to share with you so be ready for a bunch of new things!

[artyrogue]

Blind Date Gaming: Race Days

Oof. The perils of blind dating present themselves in the randomness of your match. Sometimes you get a win and hit it off with your date; sometimes, invariably, you get paired with a bad fit. Today's date was a major blast of the latter. But I get ahead of myself. Let's focus on what my date had to offer during our long night together.

Oh, hello there, Race Days! As the name hints, it's a racing game. Now, I'm really not much for racing games. They never clicked with me much, and thus I have little experience with them. Perhaps this title will be the one that changes my mind a bit?

So this game is actually two in one. The first game is 4 Wheel Drive, one of those first-person driving games where 60% of your action space is the dashboard of a car. At least in this game you see the track map, I guess? It's like having an oldschool GPS in your car long before Google Maps was a thing!

17th place. Because we need 18 vehicles in our racing game for some reason? What is even the color of a participation ribbon for that rank?

Well, it starts off rough. Like 4 FPS rough. You slog through the slow-updating track, driving a chunky jeep around 17 other chunky jeeps in an... err... 'adrenaline-pumping' race. Your primary salvation here is that you get on-screen cues for turns. Without that, I probably would have ended up on some toll road without cash, resulting in some passive aggressive bills being sent to me in the mail. Honestly, though, you'll be paying attention to these signals more than the road since the road blends into the offroad area pretty seamlessly. Only the crappy sound effects will tell you that you're off the pavement.

See this? There's only 1 lane here. The rest is dust or something? Good thing they painted divider lines in the desert.

The other jeeps don't present much challenge, though maybe it was because I was playing in easy mode. Hey, don't judge! I know my weaknesses and play around them! Still, they do have weird hit boxes. Or maybe it's YOUR jeep that has a weird hit box? Perhaps this truck I'm in is some weird import made to host a whole party in the back, thus it's much wider in the body. Well, whatever, this party sucks and my jeep needs to go on a diet. I guess it'll be lighter fuel from now on!

You CAN sort of total your jeep if you act like a goon and keep ramming NPCs. Hope you have good insurance!

So that's basically it, I guess. Due to time constraints, I only played one set of tracks. None of them were particularly memorable or fun to drive on. There are no real mechanics that make this game stand out unless you're looking for a racing game with invisible tracks. I did ace the cup, though, so I guess I have a new trophy at my drab-colored ranch house in the 'burbs on Minnesota (or wherever Jeep-owners usually live).

Man, Duke Nukem needs to find a tailor and should look up proper wine-bottle-toting form

Okay! On to game #2! This game is...HUAGH!

I wouldn't flaunt your graphics team here, chaps

Ohhh-kay, so that's a bold choice of visual presentation right off the bat. This beaut is called Dirty Racin', which I assume might be like Dirty Dancing? Probably doesn't have any romance though, unless it's got like Nascar fans severely crushing on Dale Earnhardt the third. Is there a third one? I assume Nascar drivers have titles like the Dread Pirate Roberts or something. Maybe not. (Apologies if I have insulted racing fans somehow; disclaimer: I'm severely out of my element here.)

Does...does the driver lie down in there? How does he even fit inside?

Like in 4 Wheel Drive, you get to choose a difficulty. After the ease of Jeep Racing Simulator 2000, I decided to be adventurous and go with 'Hazardous'. I don't want to disappoint the cool dude on the options screen who is constructed out of straight lines by choosing easy mode. But wow, that guy is entirely made out of straight lines. The art team here clearly earned their keep.

It takes almost a full bottle of gel every morning to get his bangs at perfect angles like that

So what's this racing game about? Overhead racetracks, apparently. It's you and 3 other cars on a bunch of different tracks, trying your best to outmaneuver each other for a coveted first place victory. Unfortunately, there's only 2 lanes of space, though, so you end up colliding with your opposition all over the place.

Luckily for me, the first couple races just require you to not get last place. I hate the controls in games like this, so I am naturally terrible at this game. I pull through and squeak a third place due to dumb luck, though. Then I'm greeted by some amazing sex idol racing queen that is in no way poorly drawn and clearly epitomizes the breast part about racing. I mean best part. Best part! She offers me car upgrades with the coins I found lying along the racetrack. Let's ignore how a speeding car can safely pick up these caches of money.

Uhh, hey pumpkin, can you move your elbow there? What are you even leaning on?

After this, I travel to the next event, which is a series of 3 races. I have to place first overall to win and unlock more tracks on the map. Okay! Let's do this!

Mmyep, I got 4th place each time. Ok, try again!

...Alright, once more! I think I have the hang of things a bit! I got third once!

Nope, this bites

After a series of horrible losses, I tried to back out and see what else I could play. I mean, there was a second direction to go; maybe the other track is better? But no, the game over screen only lets you try the same race again or quit entirely. So you either have to grind it out and win on that specific map or you have to start over from the beginning. Excellent news. Well, I opted to flee and try a lower difficulty. Surely I can make some ground h-

Yeah, screw this game

I gave up after noticing the AI isn't remotely different in the lower difficulty. Moreover, I started fuming and compounding a list of things I hate about this game! What a joy to be spending time with it. Please let me rant and release this pent up anger. It's therapeutic and I need to vent worse than a racecar with an overheating engine.

All opponents have better handling and stats than you. You need to upgrade your car to even be at the same level as them.

All bumps, be they into walls or other cars, up your damage meter; more damage means a malfunctioning car. You CAN get damage fixed after a race for cash, but doing so pretty much depletes your funds and you get no upgrades. Which means you're STILL at a disadvantage over your opponents.

You always start at fourth place. This means you have to contend with 3 other cars hogging the road space, blocking you and making it hard to get a foothold.

You can't replay levels you beat. This means no grinding for coins or leveling up.

There are only two single races available at the start, both of which have the low bar of making third or higher. After doing those, you MUST do a 'win 1st place in these three races' level to progress.

You can activate nitro for a quick boost, but it's pretty useless since the AI almost immediately activates their own and overtakes you with their better handling and blocking.

Opponents seem to gain higher speed if they're behind you. Like, their non-nitro max speed actually increases, so they easily overtake you.

You can bump into special flashing walls for powerups, but some of them are useless. The best one gives you superspeed for the rest of the match, but it's so fast I can't control it well. I just ended up bumping into walls like mad and upping my damage, all the while having the AI overtake me anyway.

Whew. So there's that embarrassment. I'm sure some of you are laughing at me since this game is probably child's play, but I just can't do it. The GameFAQs guide even says that all difficulty modes are super-easy, so it must just be me. I never got higher than third place. In the end, this was a steaming pile of garbage for me that I wouldn't date again if it was the last form of entertainment left in the world. Not even Upgrade Lady can sway my decision to let this one die forever in a horrible roadside crash. (Okay, so that definitely offended some of you; apologies again!) Take this Sprite of Passage and forget about this game forever. Don't worry, it deserves it.

what else did you expect to be the Sprite of Passage?

[tomoyanosekai]

取り戻ったSmile ~A Four Part Wrap Up of 2017~

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart,

and do not lean on your own understanding.

In all your ways acknowledge him,

and he will make straight your paths.”

- Proverbs 3:5-6

“Wow, it’s already mostly over, huh?” I said to myself as I laid on my back on the top of the Sigma parking structure, looking up at the stars in the cold December sky while searching for shooting stars. Usually, during the middle of finals season, especially the night before you have your last final and also not have much time to write a paper that’s due the day after, you’d think I should probably be studying and/or writing, right? Nope, that wasn’t me, since I was stargazing and admiring the Geminid Star Shower, and reflecting about how much this year changed me. As 2017 comes to an end, I’m happy to say that I was able to complete a goal of mine, which was to have some documentation of every month summarized in a post or so, summarizing my thoughts and feelings at the time of every incident I’ve been through. There has been a lot of valuable lessons that I should take from this past year, and most of all, well… If I could summarize this year in an idea, it would be about taking back my smile and learning to smile and walk again, no matter what I’m going through. To summarize the year, I’ll go with three different blocks of time and three different periods:

January through May - A Period of Walking Forward,

June through August - A Period of Experience and Maturity,

and September through December - A Period of Trust.

Be prepared for a long post since I’m summarizing the year, and giving my own commentary on everything.

A Period of Walking Forward

To begin, this year did not start off on the best of notes. Even so, this time period could be summarized as a period dedicated towards “Walking Forward.” Going into 2017 would mark the beginning to my second semester of my sophomore year at Biola. To start this year off, the girl I had been crushing on and confessed to told me she got back with her ex-boyfriend out of nowhere and basically told me that she doesn’t want to see me at all, my grades were at an all time low from the previous semester, my parents were disappointed with me and my grades, and frankly, everything really hurt. Throughout all of that, the best way I could describe it was like I was repeatedly punched and kicked in the stomach, and getting shoved onto the ground by all of life. Despite me wanting to try and smile, I found it hard to try and keep my composure and convince myself to have a level head without being angry, frustrated, or sad with how life was turning out behind the scenes. Even with all of life going against me, February would be the actual starting point to my second semester of Sophomore Year, where I would see other people around me making decisions, and where I would also learn to walk forward and make my own decisions. It was this month where I declared my major as a Communications major, along with a minor in Intercultural Studies.

Other than declaring my major, I also made the decision to try dieting, which although hard, was a decision I’m ultimately proud of doing. Although nothing much happened in March, I did apply for a summer internship called the Nikkei Community Internship; a program my older brother did two years ago. As April came and went, there were more decisions to be made, and would eventually lead me to continue to propel myself forward and have the chance to step up as I found that I was accepted into that internship and was also offered the chance to be a Co-President of Hope Rising, since our previous president was graduating. However, as tempting as the offer was, I knew that as I was then (and still now,) I’d be better suited as the Vice President, since I knew I still had lots of growing up to do. As May came around, the Hope Rising Retreat and Final Meeting happened, as I learned more about the people around me, came closer to them than I could ever imagine, and eventually saw them to be my closest friend group and people I could always rely on when in a pinch. However, just as the school year ended, this would also mark the end for others, as I had to say “good-bye” to friends leaving Biola, whether it be from graduating, or from other bigger and better life plans.

A Period of Experience and Maturity

Even though many people left for their own path, it was time for me to walk my own path alone for a little bit during the summer. The first weeks of summer following May were filled with fun, as I was able to spend time alongside friends and family and going on various adventures. However, although that time ended, many of my friends went off on their own adventures, and just as they did, I was off on my own adventure, interning as the Nikkei Community Intern for the East San Gabriel Valley Japanese Community Center. This time period would be a period dedicated to maturing and gaining more experience, as I spend most of my summer in the workforce. Although my time there would be as a 9:00-5:00 PM job dedicated to working with Senior Citizens, Children, painting a mural, and designing a game circuit for the senior citizens, I was left with a certain emptiness. This emptiness was one that felt non-productive. When comparing everything I was doing, all the interns were actually doing work and gaining experience, and everyone else I knew was doing more interesting things around the world; as two of them were in Japan, one of them was in London, one of them was in Vietnam, another was preparing to leave for Berkeley, and another one was being productive by getting ahead with schoolwork. Even though I felt extremely useless, my time as an intern did leave me with a heightened appreciation for the Japanese American Community, along with an appreciation and fixed vision on God. When things were rough, whether it be with expectations, with a slight car accident, or in a college age drinking party setting, I still found myself looking towards God, and that experience had also left me with the groundwork for a direction for my future. Aside from that, it was this time where I would choose to change myself by exercising even more, and change my hairstyle, since I wanted cement an idea in me that shows I’ve changed even more. As my summer quickly passed by, it would soon be time for me to return back to Biola with the experiences in tow from that internship.

A Period of Trust

With the end of the summer, it would be time to return back, and I personally feel that returning came with a lot of fanfare and excitement, considering I hadn’t seen many people from Hope Rising or Sigma in a while. Although this was a time for happiness and reuniting with many friends, there was a certain optimism I had about facing the oncoming semester. Even as optimistic as I seemed, deep down, I know I was feeling lost and frustrated. Whether it be with my own end goals for after college, pressure from expectations from family and from myself, seeing my own family have their own issues and not being around to do anything about it other than just watch; I was feeling frustrated and lost on what to do. Even so, I found that this semester would be a semester dedicated to more self-growth, learning to face myself and accept myself honestly, but to a higher degree: learning to trust in God, as well as learning to trust in others when things got tough.

September, although having an enjoyable birthday celebration spent surrounded by friends and such, did leave me to think of my future more, which led to me feeling frustrated on something personal: the idea that I couldn’t tap into my own hidden potential that others see in me, and knowing that I have the capacity to do even more. Even with that downside, on the flipside, with a new semester comes new encounters. Hope Rising did allow for new members, and with new members, we were able to find some possible people to succeed us after our generation graduates. I feel like we’ve definitely found someone special, as I feel he’s someone I can try and guide and mentor because of our similar personalities. October was a month that allowed for these thoughts to build up even more, to the point of where I eventually just let it out. I began to doubt my path, where I felt that Communications wasn’t the path for me, I still wanted to honor my parents by continuing with this major, despite feeling Intercultural Studies was more fitting for me, and it hurt to keep failing in my Rhetorical Theories class, where I saw my suitemate cheat on tests and do well, while I tried to study and ended up failing still. There was a lot of stress, anger, confusion, and frustration collectively built up. My worries for and from my family. My future. My frustrations. My fears. My failures, and feeling like a disappointment. The pressure placed on me. Everything. Through letting it out, I found some relief through it all, after talking with my mom, someone whom I would never have expected to vent to about my personal frustrations to. Heck, although I felt very reluctant to talk about this to my mom, talking through everything did allow for me to sort of figure myself out, as she did give me some encouragement, and a little bit of direction on to where I might be headed for my future.

Coming off of October and into November, I felt that my life circumstances were definitely beginning to change, especially within my family, as I began to notice one by one that the issues in my family was slowly fixing themselves, or rather, God was fixing them. However, as my issues were slowly being fixed, I began to see that all my friends everywhere else had their own problems, which bothered me. “There’s no way I’m going to let them face this alone. Not like what I went through.” That was the thought that fueled me to help them as I saw them go through their seasons of suffering. However, it was this month where I’d learn more about myself, because of a four week “Intro to Psychology Personality Test” that revealed more to me. When I’m overwhelmed, I either respond with lots of stress, or I just tend to choose to not care, which is probably the reason why I couldn’t tap into my hidden potential. I can’t tolerate mediocrity or being borderline, which is why I’m always harder on myself and feel that everything I do isn’t good enough. My odd relationship to myself and my family, as well as their expectations and their “encouragements” (really discouragements) are the reasons why I struggle to get motivated. However, despite everything, I tend to cope with everything by finding the positives in every situation. I will rely on myself and not ask for help when I need it, but will offer help to those who need it.  Through everything, I found that these qualities were confirmed in a prophetic prayer session, which people have told me that “I am focusing more on the brokenness of my family,” and that “I feel that everything I do isn’t good enough, which is why I need to focus more on God,” and lastly, “I provide a certain comfort to everyone in a 2 Corinthians 1 Style.” (Note: I’ve never really talked to the people praying over me.) It was through this month where I felt that people were telling me to stop relying on myself, and just ask for help if I need it.

Going into December, this month was certainly a month where I found God truly calling me to trust in him. Throughout the whole semester, I did horribly in that Rhetorical Theories Class, and was truly afraid of failing, and was also afraid of repeating the same formula of failure I crafted for myself during last year around this same time. However, as Finals came, there was still an opportunity for me to pass that class, and as of this writing, I still have no idea whether or not I passed. Though, at this point, I do know that I was able to put my best foot in front and give it my all in the end. Finals was definitely stressful, but in the end, I somehow made it, alongside everyone else who did so as well. Ultimately, I feel that God wanted to grab my attention, and through everything, focus and trust in him, even when things were and are still uncertain.   

Gazing into 2018

“Geez, these shooting stars… They’re so beautiful, but fleeting...” I thought to myself, as I lied there on my back, watching them fly by. I entered 2017 thinking I was going to be in a relationship, and finding happiness through said relationship, but ultimately started 2017 in a position where I personally felt like crying out of pain and frustration. However, there’s a lot to say that this year did to me, where I struggled, tripped, got hurt, and did many other things. During those times I spent with that girl, something that stood out to me was the words and observation that a friend said, where he said he “was happy for me, since I always seemed to smile more and be in a good mood after spending time with her.” However, that isn’t the case, not anymore. That’s not to say I wouldn’t smile anymore, but if anything, the hole she left there, well, there weren’t any holes to begin with, since that hole basically got filled completely almost as soon as that bomb dropped. If anything, I was only able to remain mostly uninjured because there were other things filling that gap. I had the love and support that came from God, as well as the privilege of having many amazing people I can call my friends and family surrounding me, and allowing my cup to overflow. The main thing I was able to do is at least take back my own smile. 「取り戻ったSmile。」 (“Torimodotta Smile.”)  “Reclaiming my Smile.” That’s a good way of summarizing this year. Here I am now, ready to leave 2017, understanding myself even more, and most of all, sprinting forward with my smile intact. Though December isn’t over for a few more weeks, and as 2018 approaches, I want to go in with that same smile that I’m leaving 2017 with, and learn to trust in God even more as I know that my future is planned out for me, but is something I’ll never know, unless I continue to walk. But aside from that, I’ll continue to trust in everyone who’s currently standing alongside me. I’m not alone. As I look into that mirror from the beginning of the year and see my reflection, the look I see isn’t one filled with sadness or anger. I’ve still got that goofy looking grin on my face, but that smile is at least a symbol to show that it’s something that isn’t going to be fleeting, just as that star shower was.

Cheers, 2017. It was an interesting year (that isn’t over yet at the time of this writing,) but thanks for everything. 2018, here I come. From the bottom of my heart, thank you so much for all of your continued support and help. I’ll see y’all in 2018!!  “From here on out, it’s our stage!”

(Congratulations, you read through this whole giant thing of text. I appreciate you reading this whole post. Thanks.)

[theintrovertedspiritualist]

“I'm angry all the time... what's happening with me?

How can I stop this?😔”

- Sage

- Eat meals regularly

- Deep breathing

- Calm.....go detox yourself. Get into a salt water bath..a candle and eye patch for both eyes. Lie back till your ears are covered...and focus on your breathing..slow in...slow out. Should be as dark as possible..just float...

- root chakra problems maybe? try some grounding exercises :)

- Meditation 🧘🏾‍♀️

- Be still with yourself. Write down what you need in relationships (intimate, friend, family, work, etc) then, identify where the gaps are. Also, explore what in life you feel forced to do. Start from those answers, and make shifts accordingly. Ask your Angel's to help you harmoniously align to your higher self.

- You may be taking on someone close's energy and May just need to simply get back in nature and ground more. Walk barefoot in the dirt, walk barefoot in the ocean or a lake, heavy epson salted warm bath with visualization of the negative angry energy going down the drain techniques when showering

- Anger is a result of pain, past and present. Identify the cause of the pain. Address it , maybe in therapy, support group or with someone you feel comfortable and safe with and will be totally honest with you. Be gentle with yourself and be patient with the process .

- I have felt this lately and I worked with my selenite yesterday and I feel soooooo much better!

- Is there something going on that you feel you have no control over. Maybe you wish some would be a certain way or say things differently. I usually get this way when I become overwhelmed by others. I always react and take on things when really its not going to change a thing. Im learning to practice the pause. Pause and think if this is something that really needs all this attention. If not then try to breathe and let it go.

- For thw sake of processing/growth: Learn about primary & secondary emotions, get to the root cause

- Unhealed trauma. Try to dig a bit deeper and see what's really going on that disturbs your inner being 🌟🙏

- There could be some unresolved childhood trauma that you're neglecting or perhaps you bury your emotions and thoughts and do not have a healthy way of releasing them. My suggestion is finding an outlet to release the negative energy. Writing in a journal, kickboxing, yoga, hiking, working out at the gym, etc. It's good to find things that help release your endorphins and serotonin & dopamine....a.k.a "feel good" hormones. And if you need anyone to talk to, Im sure many of us on here (myself included) are more than willing to lend a listening ear. Sometimes venting lifts the weight off of your chest that you didn't realize you had. Sending you love ♡

- Anger is a symptom of something deeper. It could be something you've suppressed a long time that is trying to reveal itself to allow you to heal. Or something happening now, that you try to suppress so as not to speak the truth and harm a relationship or someone's feelings. The best way to heal that symptom is to find its cause and address that issue. Our emotions are always signs to whether our spirit is happy with our path. Once you find the cause, EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) is the answer I found to clear the roots. I hope this helps. Don't ignore it or give it simple cover-ups, because eventually you will need to face the cause. Otherwise, it can drain away your chances for true happiness. I'm not preaching, but sharing from experience. Sending love!

- What helps me with anger is writing down everything I am angry about it and then Burn the paper and Let it go..and Wine LOL

- Check your surroundings. The company you be around. If they are unhappy you maybe be feeling there negative energy

- Release the anger in race... go speak ure truth... wright it down destroy something.. because if you calm.. it will pop up again and again.. ask ureself where does this anger come.from 🍀🍀🍀🍀

-Here too. The eclipse combined with the new moon is causing intense emotions. However with 2020 approaching, we need to allow these emotions to bubble up and resolve them asap. If not I am seeing a whirlpool of drowning and severe consequences.

- Let’s take a check in our lives, what dream are you letting go, what is that thing that is making you feel this way, is it a person, is it something that you need to do to better your relationship with yourself, it could also be that you may have forgotten of yourself and haven’t had time to do something just for yourself, look inside and you’ll see what is making you feel this way and whatever it is you start making fixes to it at your own pace.

- USE YOUR LEFT HAND MORE For Daily Activities .... It's Mellows You Out So Much You won't Notice .

- Gotta take time. Address what's hurting you 🙏🏾 then fix your face 💪🏾 and go do something good natured that makes you smile, practice, until it's all better...so they say. Good luck 🖤

- What do you do to discharge the emotions you take from others? What media are you absorbing? I noticed the more negative and depressing things I watched or read, the less I was able to clear myself and my emotions. I stick to happier things, cartoons, love stories, up beat songs. Things like that

- who, and what, are you really mad at, and about? your self?

- Not sure of your eating habits or anything else so let me assume. Fast food amd some restuarants have food loaded with hormones and antibiotics. Just think of ppl coming off steroids with their hormonal imbalance makes them angry. Same thing with toxic food that's overloaded with hormones and GMO foods. First thing to do is always find a clean source of Food Water and Air to detox. Second thing I suggest is to not watch anything political or even religious as ALL POLITICAL AND RELIGIOUS based media is (FEAR DRIVEN) stay away from smokers... Make love to your man. Yall look like the perfect couple. And last thing and most importantly......RUN. Run every day until you can run 5 miles a day. Running is the only exercise that will help you balance your emotions to such a level.. if you do absolutely everything I stated then you will feel the change. I promise that.

- I was literally they a few months ago. I embraced who I needed to be in that moment. I'm still not the same, but are we ever the same as we used to be? Good luck.

- Your ego is injured - Ask why?

- Eclipse season. Identify your feelings. Are they yours? Nurture mind, body and spirit. Sage yourself and your surroundings, drink water, exercise, yoga, meditation, spend time with nature, ground yourself, work on your energy through visualization, etc. It is time for letting go. What are you holding onto? Is it worth carrying all that around? Work on yourself and connect to your higher self. Have you ever been in love? That is how you should feel about yourself. There is a novel I can write here but I won't. Hope this helps. 🤞❤️🙏

- We encourage each to attempt in all relationships to move from a point of fourth-density love, acceptance, forgiveness and willingness to move on. That is the pattern of learning, not to linger too long in negative emotions but, rather, to honor that negative emotion whenever it arises, to sit with it as long as it needs to be sat with in order to be accepted, in order to feel that it has been honored. And then, when it has been honored and there has come a peace and a balance and some small understanding, it is time to say, “Amen. I am sorry. I begin again.” And let mistakes be mistakes, but stay in the light and the love of the one infinite Creator while you make the mistake, and, after you make the mistake, allow yourself your own love rather than your judgment. For judge and grasp the lesson you certainly will, but then it is time to release that.

- This is so random, but wheat and gluten do this to me.

- recognising what triggers you

- Ilona someone is angry because others have push their buttons. The answer is to respond not to react. And when you have expectation that doesn't go your way you are frustrated and become angry. What are these trying to tell you? You cannot change what is out there and what you cannot control, but can change the way you react to it. It's within you. Stop trying to control everything and free yourself from expectation as it always brings disappointment. Change the way you see things. Be peaceful and let go. ❤

- What helps me is remembering to not be so hard on myself and let loose a bit. Go out and have a ball!! Have fun and do something you love! :)

- If you’re angry address it head on. It will eat away at you. Anger is destructive because until you find an outlet for it (exercise meditation etc) or your calmly confront who or what is causing it you will feel worse.

- You react to the energies around you. Observe.

- Observe your triggers. Change the pattern change the result. Question yourself so as to know yourself. The two wolves battling inside you have the same name. Anger is sometimes necessary, yet irrationally being angry to aviod accountability & release via taking it out on innocents is detrimental to you as well as others & over all environment. You are not seperate from the air you breathe. Now anger can be fuel to better yourself, yours as well as others over all circumstances via being driven to change ones detrimental patterns. I suggest searching it honestly in a bit of seclusion by changing environment. Often it is sign of underlying unhealed traumas. Truly sometimes we never heal those deep ones, we just develop radar so to speak to avoid dashing apart upon lifes shallow reefs. Anger is often a forgivable offense towards yourself and others. Most cases all that is needed is to distance yourself so as gain another vatage point. Change of perspective can be miraculous honestly. It's your mind, change it. Attempting to smile still releases chemicals that make you happy. Above all else focus on breathing. That's all one can really do to overcone most issues. Neuroplasticity, change a pattern change the result. Physics

- Time for a change

- Be angry. Go out into nature and let your anger out. Talk to God, to loved ones unpresent. Be honest. Scream. Stop judging yourself for being angry. Anger is beautiful when you don’t withhold it. It is vulnerable to actually express it instead of false anger known as blame. Blame is not anger. Blame seeks to hold on to anger rather than let it release. It is not going far enough, using self judgment to control it rather than self awareness and properly parenting your inner child.

- change your thought, can change your mind. say 2 yr self 100 times everyday LOVE LoVE LOVE ✌✌💚💚💚

- Breathe .. take time to nuture only you .. journal ir relax.. laugh .. whatever Bec .. yin/ yang describe different ways reminds dark light so . Go flow be and take kick boxing

- You have to address the root cause. It will be painful, but you’ll set yourself free. Also, blowing off steam from yoga or fitness classes or walking in nature can help

- I am angry because of the apathy of people. Being very empathetic I feel that I have an obligation to make a difference in any way that I can and become frustrated by those who put their own self interests first. I try to let it go and focus on making myself the best person that I can be and to let my actions represent my values.

[chooserecovery]

Response to the submission starting with “ Hi! I kind of need help.”

Hi! I kind of need help. I get really angry lately (sometimes over very small things, or over nothing at all) and when I’m in that state I can’t contain all this anger, I’m shaking and I just can’t handle it! For example I often get annoyed with my mum even though she didn’t do anything that could usually annoy me (today it was not closing the bathroom window). It feels like puberty all over again. I know it is totally irrational but I can’t help it. And I always take this anger out on myself, I cut, hit or scratch myself to let it all out. And I know its not healthy and I read your post abt preventing self harm but when I’m in that state I just can’t control it. It’s like I’m burning on the inside and the only way to stop this fire in my chest is to harm myself! And it’s EXHAUSTING. Afterwards I am so drained that I usually hide in my bed and cry. Honestly, like a toddler. I probably have depression too, so idk if that only happens because I’m messed up? I feel like a monster and I’m scared that I’ll hurt myself or the people around me. I read about borderline and other kinds of disorders, but nothing really seems to fit to what I’m experiencing so idk what’s wrong with me. I know I should see a therapist but I can’t bring myself to call there. And my mum tells me i should do it myself bc she doesn’t know when I have time and I’m old enough to do it myself (I’m 17), even though I’ve explained her multiple times that I won’t be able to call there.I would appreciate your advise. Sorry for writing so much. (Also can you answer without mentioning my tumblr so that it’s anonymous?) Thank you

Friend, you don’t need to apologize for writing a lot; have you SEEN my answers? You’re fine. More words usually means I have more info to work with, anyway, which means I can try to make my answer more applicable to your situation. I promise you, cannot bother me by typing a lot.

Now, on to the actual content.

TBH if someone told me that you were my past self time-travelling to write this, I wouldn’t doubt them. You are very much not alone in this. So, for what it’s worth, this type of feeling can absolutely pass; I’m generally a calm guy these days, and I never did end up hurting anyone like I was terrified that I would. I can’t say that you’re in exactly the same place that I was, people obviously have feelings for different reasons and different things help them, but I’ve definitely been somewhere similar and didn’t end up the way I was scared that I would, so I feel pretty comfortable in saying that things don’t have to go the way that you’re worried that they will.

The fact that you’re depressed probably is playing into it. Mental illness pretty much by definition means that you’re going to be under a lot of stress emotionally, and in some people that stress will manifest as anger. It doesn’t have to be over anything that makes sense; brains can just see the most minor inconvenience as yet another thing that’s causing them stress, and so it makes it seem like a much bigger issue than it otherwise would be. Think straw that broke the camel’s back; the window is the straw, and the depression is the 200 pound bag that the straw was placed on top of. This may not be the case, I am in no way qualified to diagnose you, but I have seen things show up this way before, so I am just saying that it is possible for it to happen.

For trying to get a therapist, I’d check if there’s any way that you can email them. I don’t know exactly how the system works where you are, but its entirely possible that there are alternate forms of contact, and it may be easier to type something out than to call in. Failing that, I’ve had a friend impersonate me on the phone for calls that I didn’t feel like I could make, so if you have a friend who may be willing to do that for you, it couldn’t hurt to ask. And, failing that, as a Fully Certified Adult who has to do things like make Dr’s appointments and call customer service, I promise you that once you’re actually on the line, it’s not as scary as you expect it to be. Whoever you deal with is most likely going to be friendly and try to help you get what you need, and also odds are good that they hate being on the phone just as much as you do (you don’t know how many phone rep people I’ve heard say that they hate being on the phone when they’re off the clock) so they’re not likely to judge you for being uncomfortable.

As for the anger itself, is it sudden and out of nowhere, or is there usually some sort of stress leading up to it that you try to suppress and it just ends up boiling over? 

If there’s buildup, then you can try doing things to relieve stress beforehand. It’s pretty common to try to shove things down automatically, but it doesn’t let you actually deal with things. Take some time to vent to someone or write in a journal or do some sort of physical activity, or take a bath, or whatever it is that works for you; again, every has different things that they respond to, so try to find out what you need and do that. Personally, I strongly recommend physical activities for this; they can generate endorphins which can help emotionally and also you manage to work some of the energy out. I found running and boxing to be particularly helpful when I felt like I was going to explode on someone. Whatever works for you, the earlier you can try to address those feelings, the easier it usually is to get them out because they haven’t had as much time to dwell; practice doing what you can to take care of yourself on a regular basis.

Whether there’s buildup or it seems completely out of nowhere, once you get into that state, then your best option it probably going to be trying your best to redirect that energy. Again, physical activity seems like it would probably suit you well here. Aside from that, if you can find the patience for them, breathing exercises can help get your fight-or-flight response to calm down and give you a little bit of distance from your feelings. A common technique recommended for anger management is to try to count down from ten every time you notice yourself getting angry, but this really is hard to implement when it’s truly explosive and you don’t get much warning of when it’s going to happen.

One more thing that I’d recommend is trying mindfulness techniques. Not just when you feel like you’re getting angry, but in general. It helps you develop a habit of paying more attention to what you’re feeling which can help you catch tings earlier and possibly give you more time to address them before they overwhelm you.

The whole feeling exhausted and crying thing is absolutely a normal reaction following extreme anger. To do a quick little biology tidbit, when you get angry, your body is getting flooded with a lot of hormones that are trying to prep you to either fight for your life or run away, because as far as your body is concerned, there’s not much of a difference between “I got in an argument with a family member” and “this tiger just tried to eat me.” Either way, stress hormones get your metabolism running full force, and your body needs time to recover after that. So, go ahead and rest and cry if you need to, and maybe consider getting a snack or some juice or something to help you to help you replenish those fuel stores that you burnt up while you were angry; sometimes a little bit of sugar can help make the emotional crash a little bit less terrible.

But if you can only take one thing away from this answer, I want it to be this: you are not a monster. You are in pain, and you are lashing out, and you deserve help in dealing with what you’re going through. But you are not a monster, your feelings do not have to be permanent, you can learn techniques to manage your anger and you can have aggressive or violent thoughts without having to act on them--thoughts cannot hurt anyone, and you are not a bad person for having them. 

--Luke

[styx-n-stone]

The Amalgam

Rating: T

A/N: There is honestly not enough Demencia and Flug Bonding fics, nor is there  many Demencia and Flug being badass fics. I actually almost started crying while writing this so.... 

The angsty villainous fic about Demencia no one asked for: 

  Of all the villains within city limits, none had a more mysterious past than the eccentric Demencia. Even Black hat himself has an assumed legend to back him. No one- hero, villain, or otherwise- could even imagine what possible origin the reptilian lady could have possibly had. That being said, no one had ever bothered to ask her herself, so perhaps this mystery had a simple answer? Not that anyone could get close enough to ask.

Then again....

"Demencia, if you don't stop fooling around with that vile it could-" the vile exploded. Demencia giggled and pulled so of the glass shards out of her hair. The scientist sighed and rubbed the ash off his goggles. There goes another week's work. At least he remembered to write the formula down. He sat back at his desk and looked through the drawers. Demencia promptly lied across the top of the desk. Flug looked up at her. "What are you doing?" "Annoying you" she cooed at him. "Get off." He ordered. "No" she replied, flatly. He sighed and moved his work to a nearby table.

"Flugsy why do you do this?" She asked him. He looked back at her. "Do what?" "Work for him?" She sat up, swinging her legs like a child. "Because it pays well." He responded. The answer was quick and efficient. He didn't really feel like explaining the circumstances. "But you're always here, if you had a lot of money couldnt you just leave?" She pushed. Flug really wasn't gonna get rid of her this time, was he?

"I don't want to. Why are you Always here?" He deflected the question back to her. She shrugged. "I wanna be."  His turned back to his work.

was it a bad sign the chemical exploded just by being shook? Maybe he should  revise the formula to be more stable. Less cesium and more-

Flug felt her breathing down his neck.

"what do you want, Demencia?" He asked her. She leaned up against the table. "But why Black Hat?" "Because I owe him." "What do you owe him?" "What does it matter to you?!" He slammed his palm onto the table. There was immediate regret. He looked up into her mismatched eyes trying to read whatever deranged plan she was working. He repeated himself softer, with better word choice. "Why are so interested in what I'm doing? Shouldn't you be fawning after Black Hat or something?"

"He's busy."

of course he is

"Demencia, I'm busy too." Flug turned back to his work again, hopefully to stay that way. It wasn't meant to be. "But I'm bored." She whined, sliding his notes off the table. "What about 5.0.5?" The doctor suggested, picking up the papers. "No. I want hang with you." She sat down on the floor to level with his face. "You never talk about yourself." These words seemed less teasing more genuine. He placed his papers back on the table and sat down. "What's your point? Neither do you." Demencia picked another glass shard out of her bangs. "That's not important."

Flug slumped back in his seat, giving in to her. It was pointless trying to work while she was still with him anyway. She continued while casually picking more shards from her arm. "You've known Black Hat longer than I have. How did you two meet?" The scientist really didn't want to tell this story. "An accident." He simplified it. "Did he hire you then?" She added to the previous question. "No, there was a some.. events that led to that." He simplified another story. "Do you like working for him?" "Yes." "Why?" ok , that was a question he really didn't feel like answering.

"Why do you like Black Hat?" He asked her. She paused and thought for a moment. "He's dreamy.. strong.. powerful..bad.." she continued to describe a generic supervillian. "Ok, better question: why are you so weird?" She went silent. That was a terrible way of phrasing 'how did you get your powers?' Thankfully she interpreted this as such.

That didn't give him an answer.

"Well, how did you get your powers?" Flug deflected this right back at her. "I don't.. i'm not.. you're not answering my question!" He stood up. "Well you aren't answering mine either!" She mimicked him. "Why are you here?!" He shouted, becoming angrier by the absurdity that was Demencia. "Why are you spending time with a bunch of villains?!?! YOU DON'T DO ANYTHING!!" "BECAUSE I WANT TO BE HERE. I BELONG HERE JUST AS MUCH AS YOU DO!" She hissed back at him. Demencia seemed more threatening than normal.

"NO YOU DON'T. YOU'RE JUST SOME OVERZEALOUS FANGIRL WHO ABANDONED YOUR FAMILY AND IS TRYING TO IMPRESS YOUR IDOL BECAUSE YOU HAVE IDENTITY PROBLEMS." Flug snapped at her. Demencia lost whatever cheeriness was in her face. Flug realized his fatal error. Her fists clenching seemed mismatched to the expression on her face. She looked like someone had just shot her after promising to protect her. This didn't last.

She bared her teeth at the scientist "you think I chose to be like this" was more of a statement than a question. She was trembling violently. Flug didn't know whether to go over and help her or evade the room for his own safety. He could see her trying to force back the anger starting to leak from her eyes.

"Y-you think.. I want to... to be.." she tried to breathe out the words. Failure only fueled her rage.

"Demencia, I didn't mean-" Flugs apology was interrupted by a table hitting the wall, leaving a dent and a broken mess of wood.

It was at this moment Flug knew how much he royally fucked up.

Demencia let out a blood curdling scream and kicked a trash can in Flug's general direction. Flug ducked and bolted to the door only to have his coat grabbed. The scientist was flung into the opposite wall.

"WHAT MAKES YOU THINK YOU KNOW WHO I AM." Demencia cries out. Her voice painfully scratching her throat.

Flug maneuvered to his desk and grabbed a ray gun and a gravity orb.  He fired at a potted plant that hurled towards him, vaporizing it. He hid under his desk.

Demecia threw down a bookcase. It's contents landed into a messy pile and was crushed by its holder.

"I DONT EVEN KNOW WHO I AM!" Demencia screamed before breaking Flug's desk in half with her bare elbows.

The scientist tried to crawl away from her but was snatched from the ground. He had dropped his ray gun, which Demencia crushed with her foot.

"Shit." He muttered. He managed to reach into his pocket and activate the gravity orb. Everything began to float. Demencias grip loosened. Flug looked at her, "sorry." He kicked her away and pressed himself into the wall. She hit the ceiling with a heavy thud.

If he could just angle himself correctly he could propel himself to the door he'd be safe.

Demencia had already bounded back to him. She slammed his shoulders into the wall.  The orb had glitches and the two fell back on the floor along with everything else.

Flug was pinned down, weak from his injuries, and at the mercy of an livid super villain. (Ironically, this wasn't the one he had expected to do it)

Demencia threw a punch near his face and broke the ground instead. Her knuckles were red and blue. Her breathing was heavy, she was trying to speak but it all came out as sobbing.  "I.." she threw a weak punch on his arm. "I didn't.." she choked on her own breathing. Frustrated with herself she growled and slammed her fists near his face repeatedly. Flug used what little strength he had to grab her arms. "Demencia, calm down."

She ripped her arms away from him. Flug clinched and covered his face to block another strike... but nothing came.

In fact, she had gotten off of him and curled up in the corner.

Flug sat sat up and looked over to Demencia. He noticed how hard she was clutching herself. She was almost clawing her own arms. There were so many bruises and cuts, probably worse than the ones she gave him. And there were so many scars.

Everything hurt so much.

For a moment, the only noise was the sobs of a broken person.

...

"Demencia.." he finally asked.

There was no response.

"¿Demencia, Estás bien?"

"I never asked for this." She spoke quietly to no one in particular.

Flug crawled over to her, keeping a safe distance in case she lost it again.

"I never asked to have my life taken from m-me... I never asked to be ripped apart." The villain's voice cracked.

"What happened?" Flug asked her. He gingerly reached out to comfort her. She flinched away slightly. He could see a long scar riding up her back through a slight gash in her shirt.

"I.. I can't remember.. anything before..." Demencia struggled to keep her words steady. She could barely breathe. Everything was just building up.

She broke down.

Snot and tears trailed down her face. It was like a dam being burst open. Her body convulsing with all the bitterness and tragedy running through it. She didn't look like herself. She wasn't even the same person as Flug had known a few minutes before.

He watched her like this, unsure of how to approach. Eventually he got up and brought her some tissues. They spent time venting to each other about the past and making up for nearly killing each other.

"We should probably clean this place up. Black hat would literally kill us if he walked in and saw this." Said flug.  Demencia grinned mischievously "Yeah well, it's your lab sooo.." she bolted.

"Wait, what?! DEMENCIA!!" He limp-ran after her. ~~~~~~~~~

Leaning against an adjacent wall Black hat rubbed his chin in thought. He looked over to 5.0.5, who was playing with the sunlight beaming through the window. Black Hat chuckled, perhaps he had underestimated his employees' abilities.

Ain't 5.0.5 so cute? So cute you forgive me for making you feel?...no? Whatever, I don't care. I warned you this would hurt.

[wonderfulchaos69-blog]

Any Tetsono HeadCanons involving Mikuni?

Sure! I was excitedly babbling away last night about how much I like the idea of protective Mikuni in regards to his little brother. He’d be such a sour grape deep down, bitter to a fault (and spitting vitriol through a smile).

- I think the first thing I want to address is Mikuni’s reaction to what happened with Lily (when the watch was damaged) and how he takes a hands off approach when his brother is in danger. There’s a sense of inner conflict there, but that’s honestly free to debate! He instead tries to get Shuhei to do something about it in his stead, because he doesn’t want to set foot on his father’s property or have anything to do with that place.

So just imagine if Tetsu and Misono are having another of their sleep overs and cuddling, and then boom! Suddenly they’re not so alone anymore thanks to Mikuni’s interference. Whether he caved and had Johannes make something for spying (and still sobbing about how many dolls he sacrificed for that to become a thing) or just flat out paying someone to do his dirty work for him (he’s got a certain number on speed dial even if he’d rather drink sulfuric acid than admit it). Or maybe he even told Lily that his charge was in danger! Who knows, really, but you can bet he’s going to get in the middle of that if he can.

- Now this one is a probably a silly one, but I was musing on how tall Jeje is and how Mikuni measures up, and I got to thinking: what if he has a thing against tall people. Mikuni seems like the type that is very prideful and probably gets shaken when things don’t go his way. (Can you imagine what a thrill he must have gotten by having someone like Jeje, whose height is pretty intimidating, under his command?) Then we have Tetsu walking into the picture, being buddy-buddy with his brother, and Mikuni just … has no control over anything. He doesn’t get to decide who his brother dates, what his brother does, or how that relationship plays out.

Yet Mikuni has seen what love and lust do to people, and he doesn’t trust it one bit. He probably would talk down to Tetsu, mock Misono’s choices to have them reevaluated, and generally planting insecurities between them when given any opportunity. Not that Tetsu has any clue what Mikuni is doing and continues to be his polite, oblivious self. Though if Misono ever starts doubting their relationship or anything of the sort, Tetsu’s going to be there to quietly hold his hand and tell him how much he treasures him. It doesn’t even have to be in words. Tetsu rubbing his back, resting his chin on top of Misono’s head, drawing nonsensical shapes with the pads of his fingers into the warmth of Misono’s skin. Mikuni inevitably making their bond stronger for all the plotting he’s doing? Yes please, sign me up for some of that.

- Mikuni internally screaming about how dense Tetsu is, wondering why the guy can’t get a clue already and realize he’s being hated with the utmost passion. Because if he had to sit through one more round of, “Isn’t my boyfriend so great? You have to admit he’s pretty great. Not that I tell him or anything, he’d probably grow five damn centimeters from an inflated ego,” then Tetsu should be feeling his pain too.

If Tetsu ever visits the shop, he probably receives the frostiest of welcome with the brightest of smiles. Mikuni changing the signs so the prices are higher as soon as Tetsu walks in (because he can spot that tall walking blond tree anywhere)?? Yup, no doubt has a whole system worked out so Jeje knows when to help him flip the signs to “Tetsu mode”. This would likely backfire on Mikuni, as Tetsu would instead recommend either lowering the prices or selling things people would be more willing to buy, because trying to out-play someone in the customer service business? Shame on you, Mikuni.

Still, I like the idea of this fueling Mikuni’s outrage and bitterness to a problem he can’t control/manipulate in any way.

- I do want someone to eventually call Mikuni out on his shit. And since that’s unlikely to be Jeje, for a lot of reasons, and Misono would be too unsure (though I do hope he grows more confidence and stands up to his brother in the end!), I think Lily could play Devil’s Advocate nicely here tbh? Lily would want an explanation as to what Mikuni thinks he’s doing; not in a confrontational way, maybe just acting like it’s no big deal and that’s he’s here for idle gossip to pass the time. Mikuni indulging him and venting in a low, sarcastic tone of voice. I’ve been entertaining the idea of these two arguing in a sort of passive aggressive way for a while now, all smiley smiles and slowly festering anger.

Hmmm, the well has run dry on the Tetsono + Mikuni headcanons for the time being, but I hope these were to your liking at the very least ^^ I have a lot of Mikuni feels, can you tell?

Thank you for asking me this one, too =) It’s fun to write out some of the things that have been on my mind!

[olympus-summit]

VIII. Strength, Upright | Shinobu | Post-Trial 6.4 | re: Doctor, Izar

[ CW: Discussed suicide, discussed murder by cremation, blasphemic language (in the context of the councilors being seen as gods) ]

Shinobu’s happy with the compromise on the photos, judging by their nod. They’ll still have to make physical copies for when they finally cut ties with Monty, but for now making several backups should be enough. The same idea applies to all the other conspirators too, of course, but Shinobu doesn’t know if they have any digital mementos they’re holding onto.

And speaking of the long term fates of the team…

“…I don’t know if there is anything that will ever be penance enough. Not in life nor in death. So I… I just want them far away from anyone they can hurt again. Exile or imprisonment, I-I don’t… I think I might be okay with either of those, as long as we don’t leave them to die to a prison assassin or in the wilderness.”

Shinobu wonders if they should have a stronger opinion on this, of all things, and yet… Yet even with the metaphorical sword in their hands, they can’t find it in them to put down the people who either provided or enabled their suffering. Is this what their past life that lived though the 2000s had felt? Having all the power to ruin the people who had ruined them, and then just… not?

Izar seems to believe that’s the ideal they should all aspire to, and… Shinobu agrees with that part, they think, at least for themself. Shinobu thinks that given resources and security, they’d always opt for being lenient. But a lack of grace and leniency is not a moral failing, not in this context. The condemnation of the anger that many Councilors feel doesn’t settle right with them.

Shinobu would love to have the inner strength to just let go of all their bitterness so easily. They’d love to not feel so furious at just how profoundly they’d been manipulated and abused, and they’d love to not feel shame at their own emotions! But Shinobu’s got emotions and so does everyone else, and there is only so much detachment and repressing one can do.

They don’t comment on what most of what Izar says to the Doctor. It’s a very personal topic that would honestly do more harm than good to debate publicly. Nemesis’s rebuttal is also mostly personal considering who and what he brings up. Shinobu tries to keep their focus on only some of what’s said, first on clarification of some information.

“There a-already is organ-printing tech out there – that’s actually one of the predecessors to the Forge… and one of the inventions that makes Titan Productions so important to the world. I don’t want them monopolizing that anymore. I don’t want anyone monopolizing it. Either we steal info directly from Titan or we reverse-engineer it here. I don’t think it matters as long as it’s done. Ideally we’d get citizens all set up before hitting Titan, but… W-We’ll have to adapt as we go.”

But even when Shinobu tries to tune out the personal callouts… There is something not meant for them to hear that still stings. The insistence that everything Izar did that day was to seek information and confirm his suspicions about there being another floor.

“…I told you all during lunch I suspected there was a hidden area. I-It was buried by the arguing. But I still said it.”

Ultimately, Shinobu had been powerless throughout the meeting they themself had called. They could not stop the long-burning bridges from collapsing. They could not dissuade anyone from taking a reckless path. For a week now the ill-fated meeting has been festering in their chest, because for once Shinobu did everything right and it all still blew up in their face.

And then Izar told everyone in the basement that Shinobu had become part of a clique, as if they hadn’t spent 36 hours doing everything they could to salvage consensus out of the divide.

“I-If anyone, literally anyone had just – had just followed up after we cooled down, I could have explained myself. 'Things change' – what if that could have changed it further? I could have talked about the hampers! I c-could have snuck more items into them, o-or snuck myself into one… a-and it would have been a bad idea! We’d have gotten in a lot of trouble if and when the Fates caught us.

B-But it would have been better than a suicide pact for a plan that… that e-even you had doubts in, Izar. In chat, you were… in disbelief, a-about being alive. E-Even though you insisted in your letter you thought the others were alive…? I… I don’t understand. I’m trying, but I can’t.

…It wasn’t you putting information above everyone else that hurt me the most. I-It’s that you… you didn’t trust a-any of us to come up with another way.”

Shinobu shivers, sucking breaths sharply between their teeth, shutting their eyes to block out the vivid light of the tribute pyre. They don’t want to throw any further fuel into the tensions. They’ve finally admitted, to themself and to everyone else, just how much their brief but tumultuous tenure as council president had affected them.

There’s still something Shinobu wants to make clear, though. Frustrated and hurt as they are, they do not want to reject an offer of support.

“Yes,Izar, I still want you helping me w-with guard duty. Please. Neither of us should do this alone. And I’m not cut out to plan a… to plan all of this, cyber-attacks and revolutions and all that. I know there’ll be decisions that I… don’t know if I can make. I-I’ll stick to what I can do: Being a proxy to protect us from each other.”

They don’t just mean protecting themselves from Team Prometheus and vice versa, either. There are a lot of people who aren’t on speaking terms anymore, but Shinobu as a messenger provides a line of communication.

Shinobu doesn’t comment on the subject of who should process the raw footage. Several people have already volunteered themselves, and all that’s left is trying to figure out a combination of people that actually can work together, but not so closely that their biases turn into blind spots. Of course that’s what they’ll have the group feedback session for, but the fewer drafts they all have to watch, the better.

Besides, there’s the issue of retraumatizing themselves by watching the fighting, the murders, the executions, and… and there isn’t a good solution to this, is there? Regardless of who’s in charge of the first pass and who gets involved in the review sessions, people will suffer. A lot. With a resigned sigh, Shinobu notes down their own preferences on their tablet, pending change if someone raises another objection. The subject still weighs heavy on their mind, however.

“…I… F-For the footage, I only have one request. Actually, it’s not footage that already exists, I think. I hope. So I want to record something.

I want th-that camcorder in the capsule hotel and a tripod. I want to film the i-incinerator. I want the world to know exactly how our past lives have died.”

Suffocating emotions continue to swell in their chest. Guilt and catharsis and anger, anger that even Shinobu has been denying to themself. They have spent the past two months being scared of their own emotions, and now that they’ve vented off some of their frustrations it feels like their words just won’t stop bubbling forward – not violent and overflowing, but a gentle boil that burns all the same.

“O-Obviously it’s just going to just…  j-just be trashbags in there. But if they have the imagination to call us gods, they have the imagination to know how their gods burned to death.”

Even in their wrath they still cling to their aversion to violence and suffering – they won’t ask if there is footage of previous councils’ deaths, and they don’t want to know. Shinobu, personally, doesn’t feel like it’s their right to broadcast that even if footage does exist. (If others feel differently, so be it; Shinobu’s just gonna have to leave the room during that segment of the reel.)

…Is that enough? What about for the second broadcast, to discredit the councilors themselves? Is there more Shinobu can do…?

…There is one more request Shinobu can make. But not now. They need more time to prepare themself. There’s a story they have to tell, over a hundred years too late for it to matter.

They want to do something that matters. Something that no one – not the Titan Administration, not their fellow Councilors, not the whole world – can overlook and ignore.

(Shinobu doesn’t understand why they haven’t stopped shaking yet.)

[chaos2go]

So please excuse the stuff written below if you don’t want to see me trying to self reflect. Given my anxiety is rising just from thinking about this topic lately, I figured I need to vent it out in some respect? It’s mostly a reflection on how stupid I was and how I 99% probably influenced this without realizing it. The people involved know who they are but I’m still not going to name names. It’d be crude, rude, and uncalled for especially since we’re all trying to move on. I need to let this out though. Please if you somehow know who is involved, don’t go after them. They don’t deserve it as I feel I’m the big fault at this. If I find out you’re doing this, you will be blocked :/

Needless to say I’m still trying to become a better person so some self reflection is never a bad thing. Please take it as such.

So years ago as can be found on here, I did have a falling out with someone. Things didn’t go great and I do regret some of the things I said. If given the chance, I would apologize to those involved as my anger over a situation apparently gave some friends fuel to a fire I didn’t know they were even doing at the time. It wasn’t my best time and overall, things could have been handled better. Live and learn right?

Well, no. I was an idiot and let one of my friends troll this person a few years later. I literally let them troll them because I was still upset and sick of seeing their stuff. I made no effort to say no and joined in when they were trolling purely by laughing at it. I wasn’t a better person by telling them to stop. I just laughed alongside them and agreed that they deserved a troll because one of their friends had done a similar thing to me. This was a horrible thing to do as a friend as it only encouraged the behavior. I am upset at myself for letting this happen even with my “let the troll troll, they’ll get bored” attitude I still carry today.

Needless to say the troll did stop after a while. I did feel bad about it but decide to just bury it under some issues and never address it again. At the very least the account doesn’t exist anymore and I learned something. But apparently not enough.

A year or so after I ended up joining a group that the original person I had a fallout with was in. They were faster than me at getting all their information in whereas I had only watched it prior. Needless to say, I tried getting in and decided to just let that person be. I didn’t want to cause drama. If anything, I think a part of me hoped to be able to apologize. Instead I just ignored them and went about my own business. I personally started having issues with the group and complained to a few friends. Needless to say, the friend that had trolled before came up with a new troll. This time however, I had 0 idea it was them.

One day while searching a tag on dA I ended up finding the account. I once again laughed at what the person was doing, brought it up to a few friends, and stated in general when I realized what could happen that I hope the person didn’t bite me in the ass. It did. I was called out as being the troll despite there being a clear difference in art skill level. My anxiety grew out of control and I even went so far as to prove it wasn’t me. I got pictures of when they posted and when I was at work. My defense barely stood up. The only thought I had at the time was that it was one of their friends trying to give me a hard time. Once again I grew angry. And all along, I had no idea I was talking to the person who was actually behind the account.

Needless to say the only good thing to come out of the entire situation was that it gave me the push I needed to leave the group. My anxiety still raises over talking about this subject though. Given my stupidity earlier in life and people’s assumptions, I was the troll no matter what. I tried to not let it bother me as I had a clear conscious. Directly I wasn’t the troll. I was just once again laughing alongside the trolling at one point until it had gotten to me too. Only when it stressed me enough did I try asking my friends if they knew who was doing it to stop. Which honestly why didn’t I do that in the first place? I shouldn’t have gotten any self satisfaction that the person had similar thoughts to my own when really, it was quite clear it was someone I knew who was doing it. Things continued though probably just to make sure that the person wasn’t immediately caught.

Months (maybe a year?) passed by before I found out the truth. The same friend who I knew had trolled before was the person behind the account. They were afraid to admit it to me given how distressed I ended up becoming during said trolling. They were afraid of losing me as a friend given what they were done. And honestly when they told me, I should have dropped them like a hot rock. But I didn’t. What was done was done and that’s exactly what I told them. It apparently relieved them that I was just going to forget it. However it kept nagging at me like a cat who was hungry. Why didn’t I drop them? I know I didn’t need to forgive them to continue talking to them. But this was twice now. What encouraged them to do this beyond my own actions and why twice?

To be quite honest, I wish I would have at least given myself some time to properly think it over before dismissing it so easily. Looking back at it, I encouraged the behavior not only once but twice. Why was I so childish to let someone be trolled like that? Even if i truly believed the person deserved some bad karma, karma would also get me in the end. Had I said to stop originally when the first trolling happened, perhaps the second wouldn’t have. Or perhaps I would have become the target instead. I don’t care anymore if anyone trolls me as I just don’t have the energy to care. However the fact I let all this happen has just been bothering me so much. I continued to be upset over things that couldn’t be controlled and spat them up every so often. I didn’t dictate that this person couldn’t do such and such, but really was I saying that in some backhanded way even if I didn’t mean it? There’s a few thoughts that bring up the thought of my character in general that I know I need to improve upon or have since improved upon.

I still go back to these questions though. What could I have done to prevent this beyond asking them to stop? Why did they feel the need to lie to me about being a big troll? Was any of it actually my fault or was it something that was going to happen no matter what? Is my anxiety over it even worth it? Some of these I’ll never get an answer to. All I know is that they felt bad and were worried about losing me as a friend. It did happen eventually which was my fault, partly because of this situation always nagging at the back of my mind. I didn’t even listen to my own feelings at first and let it build up. A real friend wouldn’t have encouraged these behaviors to being with. A real friend also wouldn’t have have caused another friend this much grief. So all I can land on is that there is fault on both sides, but overall I did end up encouraging it far too much without intentionally meaning to. I continued to show them a nasty side of myself that wasn’t meant to be nasty? I was just trying to feel better and the whole ‘you can vent to me about whatever’ only fueled the fire. It was dumb and I didn’t realize the damage I was causing. Still, there’s nothing wrong with telling someone no.

There are bad habits I have that I’ve actually started to break. Some of my friends knew these habits and it’s been hard to stop a few of them. It’s helped a lot with my issues though, especially my anxiety. Friends pointed things out that I didn’t even realize that I did. Sure I’ve not been able to quit some of them 100% but it’s still nice of people to point things out? I’ve learned a lot about myself in the past few months and about others that I just kind of... was oblivious to. Or rather I refused to see. Like how much this entire situation was bothering me. This was something I could have discussed years before it festered up.

I’m not perfect. I make mistakes. This is one mistake that still makes my anxiety rise because I don’t know what I could have done to prevent it, what the other person was thinking, and something that will probably haunt me for a while to come. Needless to say I still hope the best for all those involved and I wish things could have been different. Given the two talk again, part of me worries that I have been painted as the one who told them to troll. In some respect, that isn’t wrong. I encouraged the behavior despite never asking for it the second time. Two of us were immature in this. And I should have cared more about it in the first place before I was worried about it affecting me.

Anyway, if you read this entire thing I appreciate it. I hope you understand I’m just trying to grow, not renew drama or anything. I’m not going to blame anyone for what happened here beyond myself. I made bad choices, didn’t give myself time to think things over, and overall made a bad choice to keep in contact with someone who was trying to help me in a toxic way. We were toxic to each other in that respect and hopefully one day I’ll be able to apologize for that.

[babygirlgiles]

personal life rant below the cut, I guess. tw: abuse, trauma

Wow, I just??? Have so many??? Things??? Going on???

Like I’m actually sitting in bed with Chopin nocturnes on the bluetooth speaker on the brink of tears because my life has been the perfect shitstorm of everything all at once. And it would be fine?? If it wasn’t??? For my mother???

For context, in the next ten days I have four papers and three job applications due. Normally, that would be stressful and I’d be beyond burnt out by the end but yeah, it’d be manageable, I did basically the same thing earlier in the semester so I’m not too concerned. I cut my family out of my life completely about a month ago but let’s be real I probably hadn’t talked to anyone in my family for about a month before that. It’s been hard but tbh at the same time it’s bizarrely easy to bury my guilt prob because the joy and relief at not having to interact with people who abused me throughout my whole childhood, who actually had no business raising not just me but multiple children (not just bc shitty abusive people but??? poverty??? like abject poverty that).

(Let’s not all forget my therapist said last session that she was able to get in contact with the three different trauma therapy programs that rejected me and they all said it was because I was actually too traumatized. Like that shit is embedded too deep for any kind of short term program, no matter how intensive. Literally what kinda fuckin PTSD have you gotta give someone to where a program run by some place called The Victims of Crime Association is like nah)

ANYWAY. My mom used my school email (my whole ass school email that she probably had from years ago but whatever) to email me and be like “Why are you cutting me out of your life? Can you at least give me an explanation? Don’t you at least owe me that?” And like??? No. I don’t owe you anything. And I moved on.

But that night (Sunday) I had fucking rough nightmares and I mean I woke up screaming and then cried for a while and just decided to stay up until my alarm. Just reliving the actual physical pain of being beat up constantly, plus the constant fear and instability like... even writing this right now my breath got short and I feel anxious. And my dream brother said that things had only gotten worse since I’d left and that my father had broken his jaw-- which, like, I am guilt-ridden now.

Also I thought I was going to die at work today like I thought my heart was going to give out from the sheer horribleness of it all. Okay, so I’m in a one-on-one with my boss (I hate this person with an actual fiery passion, btw, and have for a while so that’s nothing new).They don’t know details but they know that I’m involved in some kind of situation that involves me being under school and police protection. For example, any information about me is on lock down. Like, a fellow student or even a professor can’t look up my school email and if they were to, for example, call the Registrar and ask, I’m immediately alerted.

Because of the actual literal protection I am under from the actual, literal government, my case manager here suggested “hey, maybe having a Facebook isn’t the best idea?” and it makes sense bc even though I never use it, even if I like accidentally check-in somewhere yeah that’s fuel to the fire. So I did what the school administration did and deleted my Facebook. So flash forward actual, literal WEEKS and I ask my boss a question. “Check the Facebook,” they say, with Facebook clearly open on their desktop (mind you this is the same boss who was two hours late to a meeting yesterday that was ultimately rescheduled to today that they were 45 minutes late to AGAIN). I say I no longer have Facebook. This does not come up again for actual WEEKS.

Flash forward weeks AGAIN. Today in my one-on-one this boss tells me I should really make a new Facebook so I can do work with it. I explain (for the 100000th time) that I cannot bc LITERAL POLICE PROTECTION. They tell me to use a fake name and use the work logo for the profile picture and like, yeah, sure, guess I could. I tell this boss that it would actually make me so uncomfortable though because, even though I know it’s safe, it would really fuck with my paranoia.

But this self proclaimed radical queer tells me that it’s an unfair distribution of labor if I don’t spend the 3 minutes making my own Facebook events and that I should then give it a try. Because fuck my peace of mind I guess. Anyway, later in the meeting they say that we should come together as a staff to help me the event I just created and organized (not with any of the space reservations or people coordinating mind you, but with the DECORATING) because it would be a fair way to distribute the labor. But it’s too much to ask for someone to make two Facebook events for me so I can keep the small thread of my sanity? I have never understood true anger until that moment. But whatever, I guess.

So yeah, I’ve felt on edge basically since. Here are a multitude of examples:

Had more nightmares last night and this morning when I was walking down the hall to the bathroom I was so scared I actually had to remind myself that I was safe over and over.

Bad OCD habits cropping back up (oh my fucking god if only I could tell you how dirty my hands have felt for absolutely 0 reason the past few days). 

Been snippy and irritable to people around me. I got drunk for the first time in... months the other night.

When a girl said something stupid in class today (and it was actually asinine, she said that white flight was “a return to community values” like okay, sweaty) I couldn’t stop myself from actively grimacing and I don’t normally have this much of an issue not being an ass.

When someone said “have a good day to me this morning”, I wanted to snap back for no good reason (when I looked a little further into this thought I turned up “I don’t deserve happiness” as the reason which is wild like classic 2011 Elliot bullshit.

But let’s be real. Okay, sure, maybe these are some small examples of little fuck ups triggered by weird circumstances but normally this shit doesn’t affect me at all. I go days without thinking about it lately, especially not having contact with these people. It’s just been the perfect shit storm of shitty papers plus shitty job plus shitty mother.

I think on the whole though I’m really happy. Like, I’ve been able to recover from a lot and create a full and meaningful life for myself. I take care of myself in a multitude of ways. I’m just gonna list some here so I can like finish this 20 page venting essay no one will read and then feel better.

I go to the gym and then exercise in healthy ways

And then after exercising in non-maladaptive ways, I eat meals to replenish

I go to sleep at a reasonable hour every night so I can go to the gym and then have a good day

I light all the candles in my room so it smells good. I also keep my room tidy because it makes me feel good

I listen to soothing music

I am studying a subject that I love and having thoughtful conversations with my professors and fellow students on the material and honestly it’s the best

I work with two researchers and not only do I #makemoney, I get to look into super interesting stuff

Also I’m loved by my friends and adults in my life so that’s pretty lit

Top surgery is basically right around the corner

So it my name/gender marker change

T is going great!!

I shower everyday which may seem like a small thing but that’s some #NewYearNewElliot shit

I take my meds (what a concept)

I don’t drink myself into a coma four nights a week anymore like wow??? Sobriety???

I’m going to finish with a degree I want, surrounded by people who love me, very soon and that’s 10/10

Anyway, this will pass and it’ll be fine so yeah.