#I should sleep but I’m too busy thinking about night blogging

[cheeseoneveryfudgingthing]

Anyone else remember the concept of night blogging?

I miss the simpler times when we’d see a shitpost late at night and go, “oh this is incomprehensible! This is sillybilly nonsense! OP, were you night blogging again?”

Like it used to be that the origin of shitposts was because we missed our bedtime. Now shitposting just happens… whenever…

People need to go back to being deliriously tired before posting on the internet. Being back the nostalgia.

[chlorinecake]

🎙️ star-crossed lovers 【 薄幸な恋人 】 ⛦

summ✩ry While collabing with your girl group and Enhypen for a special stage, forbidden feelings spark between you and the main dancer upon dorming together

p✩iring idol!niki x popstar!reader ✩ requested ✩

-> PART 2 HERE

genre band au, fluff, secret romance cw swearing, mild bullying, the word ‘sexy’ like once, kissing, girl drama, reader is younger than Niki wc 4.4k

“Ugh,” Serenity groaned as the hairstylist applied yet another thick layer of chocolate brown hair dye to her scalp.

“This gig better bring in some serious bank, because never in my life would I willingly collab with those overrated wannabes,” she exclaimed, taking a frustrated sip from her vanilla latte.

“Hey, people used to call us wannabe's, too, you know,” Haerin said quietly as she tucked her hands under the UV light.

“Yeah, you should be more mature about this, Serenity... like I always say, professionalism triumphs pride," you added, only half-engaged in the conversation as a certain online article caught your attention.

As the band leader, you were always in charge of everything, so Serenity and Haerin were used to you talking to them this way...

“I’m just glad that we're getting exposure,” Haerin smiled, thinking of the countless nights you and your group spent practicing routines and writing songs for auditions, "it's not often that artists like us get opportunity's to perform internationally."

“For real,” Serenity cheered, “Riot Grrlz for the win!”

The three of you put your hands out to make a circle, “Riot Grrlz for life,” Haerin exclaimed, forgetting that her nails hadn't fully dried yet.

"Whoops," she giggled, just as Jade, the oldest of your group, made her way from the bathroom.

“What took you so long in there?” Serenity asked cheekily, “I thought we were gonna have to call the fire department.”

“Ha ha, very funny,” Jade returned, taking a seat beside Haerin so she could get her nails done, too.

“You were talking to the enemy, weren’t you,” Serenity accused.

“No, Ren, I didn’t go behind your back and sell my soul to the devil for fame.”

“Not that enemy,” Serenity grinned, “I'm talking about Mr. Six Foot Moon Eyes.”

“Oooooo,” Haerin amused, pulling your attention away from your phone.

“Ugh, let it up guys. My crush on Sunghoon is long gone, especially now that we’re gonna be working together. Besides, I would never act so recklessly over romance.”

“Who said anything about reckless romance,” you teased, unintentionally giving Jade a full view of the article your were reading on your phone.

"Nobody,” she began, “but I’m surprised you even heard that over all your internet-stalking.”

You were scrolling through a K-Pop news feed when you came across a post.

It was titled: "Enhypen Rumored By Netizens To Be Collabing With THIS Rookie Western Girl Group."

"Shush," you whisper-yelled at Jade, "unless you’re trying to get our record deals pulled!"

Just last week, your management team made you and your group sign a contract of secrecy, swearing silence regarding unpublicized business projects and associations: this included your upcoming collab with Enhypen that Jade nearly just spoiled.

Although, in all honesty, the blog's use of the word "rookie" bothered you more than potentially breaking any contract rules.

"Relax, boss, it's practically a ghost town in here," Jade defended, drawing your attention to the near vacant salon space.

Ding.

It was an email from your manager.

He wanted to inform you all that your chauffeur would be ready around 2:45am to bring you guys to the airport.

"Jeez," you mumbled to yourself, "looks like I'm not getting much sleep tonight."

“Shit,” Serenity whined, “I haven’t even made enough time to brush up on my Korean yet!”

“Luckily me and Haerin here are bilingual baddies,” Jade giggled, giving the cat-eyed girl a fist punch.

“Ahh, watch my nails!!”

▶︎ ၊၊||၊|။||||။‌‌‌‌‌၊| • • •

Your company's fashion crew was experimenting with different concepts, assigning each of your members an individual color to permanently represent: Serenity was teal, Jade was purple, Haerin was white, and you were pink.

Some time passed, an you and your group arrived in South Korea around 3:00pm.

Thanks to the fashion tech your management team hired, it wasn't obvious that you and the girls had been in and out of sleep for the past 13 hours.

You couldn't help but stalk the headlines about your group, as rumors about your Enhypen collab continued to spread like wildfire.

So much for swearing silence and secrecy, you thought to yourself.

South Korean pop media had already seemed to build a vendetta against your group, given that you were young, talented, and most importantly, from the states. The xenophobia of most K-netizens was disheartening at best, but you understood that hate was a part of success.

Besides, you were living the dream of many engenes at the moment — most of them would sell their siblings to be in your shoes right now.

“Ahh! This is unreal!!” Jade cheered excitedly in the back of the limousine. You guys had just left the airport around thirty minutes ago, after getting past the pesky crowd of paparazzi.

“I know right? Korean McNuggets slap way harder than back home,” Haerin added while munching on the salty snack.

“Don't get too comfy, Rinnie. We will leave you here,” Serenity joked.

You hadn't even realized the radio was playing until a certain guitar riff blared from the ceiling speakers.

"Oh hell no," Serenity immediately cringed, covering her ears as you, Jade, and Haerin exchanged knowing look, bringing imaginary microphones to your mouths in unison.

It was Enhypen's song Blessed-Cursed, Jay’s voice singing "We go!" over the radio.

"Go, go, go, go, go, go, GO!!" The three of you cheered, obnoxiously dancing to the choreo while sitting.

Memories of your group (minus Serenity) binge watching music videos at sleepovers resurfaced in your mind.

Usually, you'd only listen to throwback hits like Britney Spears or Rihanna, mostly because Rnb and Pop beats inspired your own art.

Still and all, Blessed-Cursed was one video that the three of you fell in love, way before your upcoming collab was even a thought.

"Don't get mad when I start recording you clowns," Serenity threatened, thoroughly amused by your behavior.

▶︎ ၊၊||၊|။||||။‌‌‌‌‌၊| • • •

Upon arriving outside the Hybe Building, a trio of body guards guided you and your girls to an office room where the seven boys stood awkwardly around a large table.

Part of you still couldn't believe this was all actually happening, despite it being right in front of you.

“Hello! We are Enhypen,” Jungwon bowed as the guards exited the room.

Jay visibly cringed at his leaders words, “I promise we were told to introduce ourselves like that. Please don’t judge us.”

“Well, uhm… H-hi,” you stuttered, feeling a bit nervous, “We are the Riot Grrlz. It’s a pleasure being able to work with you all.”

Niki, the tallest of the boys, caught your attention immediately as he greeted you with a peace sign.

Was he always this cute?, you thought to yourself.

That’s when a lady dressed in all black barged through the glass door on the other side of the room.

“Sorry to interrupt… well, not really. Me and the Enhypen boys are already well familiar with each other, but you ladies can call me Kim,” she greeted, waltzing into the office as if owning the place.

She was a fast talker, so you knew you’d have to pay attention to what she was saying or else you might miss something.

“I hope you made use of each others time and gathered everyone’s names? Phone numbers?”

”We were just in the middle of that before you came in, Miss Kim,” Sunoo clarified.

“Very well then. You have a total of 15 minutes to lock in dorming arrangements. As you’ll see on this clipboard here…”

She paused mid-sentence, holding the clipboard dumbly.

“God, can one of you take this thing already?”

“Oh- sorry,” Heeseung chuckled nervously, taking the clipboard from the fiery woman.

“As I was saying, there are four rooms for the eleven of you to somehow divide. And no, just because you’re all hormonal young adults, none of you get a free pass to break the no-dating rule.”

“No-dating rule? What is this, a detention center,” Serenity mumbled.

Kim cleared her throat, feigning a smile as she glared at Serenity with narrowed eyes, “This is a place of utmost professionalism, Princess Land of The Free. If you have a problem adhering to the rules in place here, you are more than welcome to leave.”

“A-and after that? The fifteen minutes, I mean,” Haerin blurted out shyly.

“All of you will meet back in the main lobby, where you will be guided accordingly.”

Miss Kim turned of her black boots, beelining to the door with powerful strides, “The timer starts now” she called out, closing the door behind her.

And with that began your group discussion of rooming arrangements. Unfortunately, though, things didn’t get off to a particularly nice start.

“Are you effing kidding me?” Serenity asked rudely, screwing her eyes toward a now annoyed Heeseung, “Why can't we just get separate hotel rooms?!?”

“Look, there's no perfect way to go about this," he sighed, crossing out the roommate pairs you all had just agreed on. "So you either humble yourself, or sleep in the bathtub for the next two weeks."

“Really guys, the math is simple,” Jake started, “There’s eleven of us and only four rooms to choose from. Nine of us will be divided in groups of three, and the remaining two will share the last room together.”

"Cool! Me, ____, and Jade can share the first room together!" Haerin obliged with a smile.

"Perfect, and where will I go?" Serenity questioned, mocking Haerin's excitement.

"The bathtub, right?" Jay teased, provoking Serenity to argue with him.

Meanwhile, you attempted to make peace with everyone willing to listen, “Guys, I agree with Jake. We need to make a decision quickly before Kim gets back.”

“Right. Everyone in favor of room number 1, provide a show of hands,” Heeseung said, Jay and Jake raising their hands with him.

"And for room 2?" Jungwon initiated, raising his hand with Jade and Haerin.

A pout formed on Jade's face once she realized that Sunghoon wasn't in the same pair as her.

"3's the magic number, I guess…" Sunghoon offered, Serenity raising her hand with him.

Now it was just you, Sunoo, and Niki remaining.

"I'll group with 3, too. All of our name's start with "S," so it just makes sense that way," Sunoo joined shyly.

"Welp, now that leaves the final room for me and..."

"Me..." Niki spoke with a deep voice, flashing a mysterious half-smile-half-smirk that you knew would haunt your mind later.

"Me and me... the odd one's out! Wow, that's actually perfect!" Jake cheered just as the lady in black strut back in.

“Times up,” she said, taking the clipboard from Heeseung to analyze the finalized dorming plans.

“Hmm, interesting,” she mumbled to herself, tucking the clipboard under her arm.

You all made your way down to the main lobby, just as Kim instructed.

One of the security guards mentioned that Hybe suggested a dinner outing for your group and Enhypen as a way to end the night before you started work the next day… or maybe it was mostly a way to officially confirm the rumors about your collab.

Upon arriving, everyone sat at separate tables, divided according to who they agreed to room with.

Although Niki seemed quiet at first, you and him were giggling the babies the entire time you ate.

“Poor Jungwon. He’s gonna be sandwiched between Jade and Haerin for the next two weeks, his biggest fans,” you joked.

“Nah, Sunghoon and Sunoo have it way worse. Serenity’s attitude is enough to send me running,” Niki chuckled, shaking his head.

"Speaking of running, how come you were appointed leader over your group even though you’re a baby," Niki teased.

"Not you baby-shaming me! I was born in 06', you've barely got any experience on me."

"I've had an entire YEAR to catch up on things, for your information."

"Things like what? Potty training?"

"Pfft, probably..." he replied, going quiet for a second before continuing, "If you ever need help, though, I don’t mind practicing with you after hours.”

"Sounds like fun, but that might be past my bedtime," you pouted playfully, taking one of the fries off his plate.

"Hmm."

"Hmm what?"

"Nothing, I just didn't take you as the type to follow rules," he smirked, taking a sip from his soda.

"I guess it depends on what rules we're breaking. Whether it’s worth it or not."

"So rule breaking is a “we” thing now, huh?"

"Probably..." you smiled, the cool breeze of the foreign air sending shivers down your spine.

Or maybe that had something to do with Niki?

Before you knew it, it was time to head back to your dorms for the night. You knew rehearsals in South Korea were taken a lot more seriously than where you're from, so you needed all the rest you could get.

▶︎ ၊၊||၊|။||||။‌‌‌‌‌၊| • • •

Day one was easy.

The main focus was recording voice samples in the studio, experimenting with different harmonies, and training your vocals as needed.

Now you were on day two, which started with a quick vocal session, leading into the dance rehearsal warm-up right after. After stretching, the studio was split in half, girls taking the left side and boys taking the right.

You all wore numbers on your back. This way, there wouldn’t be any confusion when any of your were being called.

Niki was assigned number eleven, and you had number one.

According to Jake, the numbers were disseminated based on skill level, and out of the 11 of you, that made Niki first place… and you the very last.

As rehearsals went on, your placement was proving to be true.

You were struggling to keep up with the choreography and it was really starting to bug you.

"Are you feeling okay," Niki asked as you sighed for what sounded like the hundredth time.

"Yea, I'm fine, it’s just this footwork is a bit tricky," you admitted.

“Aww, the smallest number for our most inexperienced contributor,” Serenity teased, making a pass at both your age and inability to get this one move right.

“I may be the youngest out of all of us, but I was appointed head over our group for a reason,” you snapped back.

“Yea… and it still shocks me to this day,” she mumbled, Jade and Haerin pausing to listen now.

You scoffed at her ignorance, putting your hands on your hips, “As if you could lead the Riot Grrlz any better.”

Serenity gave you a look that made you wanna drop here right there in front of everyone.

You never understood why she always had an attitude over the simplest things, and given the current work setting, your tolerance for her bull crap was at an all time low.

“Right, the Riot Grrlz. “Rookie Western Girl Group,” huh? And you expect me to be proud of that?”

“With pride of lionesses, of course,” Jade pitched in, leaning down to fasten her shoelaces.

“We should really keep working on our routine, guys,” Haerin mumbled quietly, causing the raging brunette diva to roll her eyes.

Meanwhile, the boys seemed to be getting along rather well with their part of the routine, completely blind to the chaos brewing at their left.

And by the boys, I mean all of them except Niki and Jake, who were both too distracted by your girl drama.

Way to go embarrassing myself again, you thought to yourself

“You’re new to this sort of training, aren’t you,” Jake asked curiously.

“What, did my shitty dance moves give it away?”

You know it wasn’t Jake’s fault, but you were started to doubt your abilities as an artist and performer.

Even Serenity felt as though you were letting your group down.

“You’re not a shitty dancer, ____,” Niki answered, walking closer to you.

“Yeah, Niki’s right. You shouldn’t put so much pressure on yourself,” Jake added.

“Exactly! Just focus on your strengths,” Serenity pitched in, “your vocals, for example. You might ruin the dance routine, but at least you’ll save all the high notes with Heeseung.”

It was clear that you and Niki were equally fed up with Serenity’s toxicity.

“Okay, can everybody clear out for a moment," Niki clapped, causing everyone to back up against the walls almost instantly.

He pulled you by the hand, turning you to face him as he called out to Sunoo, "Put on a random dance track, real quick. Something upbeat, please."

“Gotcha!”

Turning back to you, Niki took your chin in his hand, making your eyes meet his. “Just follow my lead, okay?” He whispered, taking off the bracelet he wore before sliding it on your wrist, “Do you trust me?”

“Niki...” you started, not sure of what he was trying to do.

“I need you to feel the music, ____. Let it control you," he said, stepping away as a short remix of "Buttons" by the Pussycat Dolls blared from the radio.

You could hear an amused Serenity and Sunghoon chuckle a bit at Sunoo’s choice of song, but Niki remained serious.

His gaze met the ground before he started freestyling to the song, letting his mind and body get used to the rhythm as he flowed to the beat. You stood awkwardly beside him, not feeling up to dance at the moment.

He caught sight of you standing and nudged your shoulder, "Loosen up, ____," he smiled, finally starting to feel the song himself.

You started by mirroring his movements at first, adding a few steps to make it fit your own style more.

"See? Now you're getting it," he encouraged again, pulling you toward him so you could dance together.

Your friends and the boys cheered you and Niki on while you two danced as if choreographed.

The track ended with Niki's had on your waist, both of your chests heaving from all the action.

Haerin's jaw dropped as she struggled to find the right words or any words to say, “That was…”

“Sexy!” Heeseung smirked while playfully fanning himself, making Niki turn his face in embarrassment.

You could feel your own face getting hot now, too, especially with everyone staring.

"Relax, Rinnie, you're acting like you've never seen a guy dance with a girl before," Jade chuckled.

"N-not... n-never like THAT,” Haerin said with a shocked face, “____, you're amazing!"

"Thanks," you smiled shyly, eyes falling back the bracelet Niki put around your wrist.

"Keep it... it's a good luck charm," he replied softly.

"Alright, alright. You guys can loosen up each other's buttons on your own time," Serenity snapped, interrupting everyone's gawking.

"Right... On second thought, it’s time for our break," Jay called, handing you and Niki a rag for your sweat.

"Great job, you guys. See you in 20," Jungwon added.

"Come on, girls," you chirped, picking up your gym bag as you took a sip from your water jug, heading towards the studio exit.

▶︎ ၊၊||၊|။||||။‌‌‌‌‌၊| • • •

The rest of the day continued according to your work schedule. One vocal practice followed the other as the initially difficult routine felt more natural with each retake.

You also made a stop by Hybe's fashion team, getting your measurements taken so they could design your outfit for the upcoming stage.

Although this was a work trip, you were having a blast in Korea so far. You liked getting to work with the new people and trying different foods. You especially liked being roomies with Niki.

He was super talented, chill, yet flirty at the same time.

No wonder his fans go so crazy over him, you thought to yourself.

“Hey, ____,” Niki called out, jogging to catch up as you made your way from the dance studio after going back to get the pair of headphones you forgot near the water cooler.

“I wanna show you something…,” he announced, “Well, a thing I like to do.”

“Mhm, and what’s that?” You asked playfully.

He chuckled, “Just a thing that I can’t get away with while in idol mode. My secret escape... Are you interested?”

You meditated on his words before answering, considering the early curfew outlined by both your managers, and how it was already 8:00 at night, “It’s getting pretty late, you know… Is it gonna take long?”

He giggled again, this time leaning into you. “Only if you’re indecisive.”

The sounds of your sneakers tapping against the shiny tiled floors bounced off the hallway walls.

Like you said, girls would sell souls to be in your shoes right now: there’s no way you were gonna pass up on a chance to hang out with Niki…

A chance to explore this reckless romance.

“Ok, let’s go, but we have to be back by midnight,” you agreed.

“Ok, Cinderella. We’re not too far from where I wanna show you,” he beamed, fighting the urge to hold your hand as you followed him out of the Hybe Building, clashing into the night.

▶︎ ၊၊||၊|။||||။‌‌‌‌‌၊| • • •

The place was reminiscent of a skate park, graffitied ramp-like walls cupping you and Niki in the surface of the arena.

There were a few other people present, but they seemed more wrapped up in their own little worlds to even look your way…

The moon shined behind the thin clouds of the sky, basking you and Niki’s skin with an ethereal glow.

“This is it!” He gestured with open arms, “my secret escape.”

You tucked your hands in your pockets as it was a bit cold out, “A shared secret place?” You corrected, pointing out the tiny groups of people hanging around.

Niki pushed the hoodie from over his head, revealing his two-toned mane, “I guess you could say that… they’re all idols, here. Just like me. They get why I do this.”

“Why you do what,” you inquired, stepping over a few random rocks that decorated the path.

“Why I dance,” he answered almost immediately, looking you in the eyes, “for myself.”

He took a few steps away from you, swaying to the music that rippled from one of the mystery people’s carry-radios.

Like earlier, you mirrored his moves at first, adding your own adjustments based on intuition.

Feeling.

You had so many more questions to ask, but in this moment, you focused on Niki and the way he moved.

The small groups of people developed into a crowd within a matter of seconds, joining you and Niki along with the music.

Although everyone was doing their own thing, in a strange way if felt harmonious.

Some people danced calmly, others were more wild. Either way, you were starting to understand what Niki meant.

Being able to express yourself away from prying eyes, scornful comments, flashing cameras, or a number 1 sign on your back was invigorating.

The music was still going when Niki grabbed your hand and pulled you to the side, a soft look taking over his features.

“Kiss me,” he whispered, staring into your eyes.

“W-what?”

“I just need to know that what I’m feeling right now is real.”

You took his face in your hands, trying to make yourself feel more in control of the situation, “Niki, I don’t think we should do this. Your manager outlined pretty strict rules.”

He paused before responding, “Remember what you said at the restaurant the first day we met?”

His grip on your hands remained delicate despite how strongly he felt for you.

“About us breaking rules together… only if it’s worth it.”

“Exactly,” he smiled, leaning in, “I knew they didn’t call you a riot girl for nothing.”

His lips connecting with yours like a puzzle piece, both your hearts fluttering as if they’d grown butterfly wings.

You felt like your world was spinning at twice its original speed, but at the same time, the moment felt still.

Niki tilted his head, deepening the kiss as he braced a hand at your waist, pulling you closer before finally letting go.

“I like you, ____. Like, a lot,” he confessed, taking in the dreamy expression displayed on your face.

Your mind went blank.

“Say something? Please,” he urged, taking your hands in his.

A smile wavered over your features as you kissed him back on the lips, feeling as though you both stopped breathing for a moment.

“I like you too, Niki. But isn’t this pretty risky?”

“You said so yourself, risks don’t count if it’s worth it,” he nearly whispered.

“Well,” you began, still holding onto him, “if we’re gonna do this, it has to stay between us… no one else can find out.”

And just like that, you were now secretly dating your roommate / coworker / Enhypen’s main dancer and maknae / one of K-pop’s most sought after It-Boy’s, all in a three days.

Great.

▶︎ ၊၊||၊|။||||။‌‌‌‌‌၊| • • •

You and Niki made it back to you dorm rooms undetected. It seemed like everyone else was either too tired or too busy to notice that you two were out for so long.

Unlocking the door to as quietly as possible, you and Niki took light steps, trying not to disturb anyone or draw attention to yourselves.

Once the door was closed, you both bust out in a fit of laughter for reasons you didn’t understand nor cared to understand.

You didn’t need a reason laugh when Niki was around… it’s kind of just something that started to happen over the last couple days.

“What’s your secret to performing so well?” You asked him, both laying face-up on the lower bunk bed together.

“Hmm, I feel like nervousness is a strength. It pushes you to go forward in a sense…”

“Yeah… I get that. Sometimes, I feel like being calm is dangerous. It puts you in a safe space, when performing should be all about taking chances.”

“Right,” he agreed, resting a hand over his stomach, “Speaking of chances, they’re precious, you know? I never just assume I’ll get another opportunity to dance.”

“What do you mean by that?”

“Like…” he sighed, trying to find the right words, “Every time I get on stage… in front of those lights… in front of my fans… I perform-”

“As if it’s your last…” you answered for him.

“Yeah, that,” he chuckled, running a hand through his hair, “You know, it’s really nice talking to someone who gets me… the dancer part of me.”

“Of course, it’s really nice talking to you, too, Niki,” you smiled softly.

Breaking the calmness of the moment, he sat up in his elbows, meeting your face.

“Top or bottom?” He asked, referring to where you wanted to sleep for the night.

You crawled over his body, climbing into the upper bunk of the bed and laying down to finally rest.

“Good night, number 11,” you teased, snuggling into the mattress.

“Rest well, number 1. Big day tomorrow.”

🎙️ For my baby, @microwvdstrawb3rri3s, I hope it was worth the wait ~ And yes, before you ask, there will be a second part 💕

⛦ Additional tags for my fellow Niki enthusiasts: @fanficfactoryfoxxx @nikisblkgf @yourmomscuntis2tighy @nikimeows @kimjiho1 @nikipedia07 @nishimuradaniel

🎙️ Feel free to check out more fun reads on the pinned post at my home page ~

@ashgonedash, I still felt bad about forgetting to tag you earlier 👑 so here you go, my love :3

Update: THANK YOU ALL SM FOR 400 NOTES!!

[dstryvampres]

Lab Assistant

MINORS/AGELESS BLOG DNI !

Pairing: Jonathan Crane x Reader

Warnings: smut LOL, dub con, pnv, unprotected sex, use of fear toxin on some dude, he smacks your ass like once

Word Count: 3.1k

A/N: this is my first time writing just pure smut, sorry if the set up is super long.

For the past week your heater had been broken, and despite multiple calls to your landlord which always ended up with the promise that he would come over to fix it eventually, you were still freezing. Though you could escape the biting cold throughout the day by taking up a second home at your university, you always had to eventually come back to your shitty studio apartment and suffer through the night. You’re excess time spent on campus was well spent, studying in the library, napping under stairwells or in-between shelves in the library, stirring around coffee you didn’t even like but knew you have to drink to stay in the cafe, or staring longingly at your psychology professor Dr. Crane. The lack of any privacy throughout your day had started to get annoying after the first three days, not helped by the fact that because you saw Dr Crane more than you usually do, leading to you feeling more high strung. Gotham was not treating you kindly.

“Excuse me,” a voice called out quite loudly above you, forcing you out of your final exam induced coma. You gritted your teeth, knowing that you were likely overstaying your visit to the campus library, especially since you had just finished your last exam of the season, who knows how many hours ago.

Looking up you were met with the face of your favourite professor, Dr Crane. Another horrible coincidence, it was embarrassing for someone so put together and professional to find you so vulnerable, especially someone who you had in mind when your hand was shoved down your pants most nights. 

“The library is closing soon, I would recommend getting your stuff and heading out,” Dr Crane says, his voice oddly empathetic. A jarring contrast to the usual mix of hostility and boredom his voice held during lectures. He sighs and takes off his glasses, pinching his eyebrows together, seeming conflicted over what he wants to say next, so instead you fill the space with your own voice.

“Of course, I’m so sorry sir. I seemed to lose track of time, and was too exhausted to walk home. Again, I am so sorry. I should have set a timer or just maybe not sleep in the library, that was so-“

“You have been spending a weird amount of time on campus for the past week,” Dr Crane interjects, giving you a once over. “Is everything okay at home?”

The question was so genuine it made your brain short circuit. Why would he even care about you?

“Not really,” you laughed, the two words coming out of your mouth before you had time to think. A habit only recently picked up due to sleepless nights.

A smile crept over your professor's face, one that didn’t seem to reach the rest of his face. You couldn’t tell if it was from the shock of your honesty or something more sinister. He sat down in front of you, scratching his nose, letting a silence stretch out. Just long enough for pricks of discomfort to stir.

“Well, I’m running a program here at the university over the winter break. Just need an assistant to help me over at Arkham for an experiment I’m conducting. The job would include housing closer to Arkham, since it’s a little out of the city, and it pays about a dollar over the minimum wage. If you’re interested,” he slides a business card over the table, smile now dropped, “just email me in the next 48 hours.”

Taking the card eagerly between your fingers, mumbling a small ‘thank you’ under your breath before pocketing it. When you look up he’s already halfway gone. Packing up your things as fast as you can, you leave the library and hop on the train back to your shitty apartment. An email is sent to Dr Crane that night, and the following day you are confirmed as his assistant for this experiment the next day.

𝜗𝜚

The space provided for your three week stay was slightly better than your studio apartment, mostly because it had heating, but also because you shared a wall with Dr Crane. Besides the housing, the internship also came with an average pay, some work experience, and enough credits to compensate for one class. Your first week there had mostly been mundane tasks, taking notes outside of interrogation rooms while Dr Crane interviewed patients, making coffee for the two of you, making patient profiles, and making sure no one took any of Dr Crane’s “special medicine” for the experiment. Despite the easy work and the decent benefits, you couldn’t shake the feeling that something more sinister that Dr Crane wasn’t telling you about the experiment. With a thesis based around the concept of fears, you had yet to notice any great dive into the topic beside a few one-off questions.

“Before we start this week,” Dr Crane starts, sitting down in the chair opposite to you, “I want to just warn you that this is when the experiment starts to become a little more intense.”

He holds a coffee mug in his hand, as he talks the liquid sloshes around the cup. It's all information you already know, you signed an NDA, he trusts you, do what he says, and that he needs you to stay out of the room no matter what. Last week you learned just how Dr Crane enjoys his coffee, no milk and one sugar, you can’t understand how he can drink it. One sugar can’t mask the bitter taste. He drinks it quickly though, remembering the taste makes you gag.

“Before we begin today, can you prepare the variable today in syringes? I will be introducing it into the experimental group today.”

He sets down the now empty mug, a loud thump echoes through the room, startling you. Dr Crane smiles at your reaction, it’s the same one he always gives you, the one that doesn’t reach the rest of his face. You ignore the stone that has formed inside your stomach, picking up your clipboard and pen.

“I’ll meet you in room 283B,” your professor puts a hand on the small of your back, leading you both out of his office. A shock is sent through your body at the contact, once out of the room you turn to look at him, but his hand is gone and he’s headed in the opposite direction as you.

Something else that you have noticed throughout this week is just how close Dr Crane is now. He’s more touchy than you would pinpoint him as. Which isn’t saying much, but the small lingering touches he lays on you, a hand on your shoulder, maybe on the small of your back, doesn’t seem to be too professional. One… two… three millilitres of solution per syringe. The questions he asks also seem to be a little weird, especially due to the matter of the study. A common thread being his prying into your fears, and a look of hunger when he asks the questions. Soft thud of the storage container hitting the ‘chemical waste’ bin. Though you can’t really complain, this past week has given you enough content for your late nights to satisfy you for your whole university career, Masters program included. Laying out each of the syringes in a row on the tray, and counting them out. Three syringes on the top tray, six needles on the lower tray. Rolling the tray out of the room and over to the elevator to head up to the second floor.

You softly knock on the door, waiting for Dr Crane to open up the door to the observer section. The door opens in a matter of seconds, only a crack for a couple more seconds, before it is completely opened. 

“Thank you,” Dr Crane says, looking down at the tray of syringes. He takes one in his gloved hand, holds it up to the light and nods, a stamp of approval given to your handiwork. “Remember: that if anything goes wrong, do not enter the room, just call security, and take as detailed notes as possible on the patient’s behaviour and the levels on the monitor.”

You nod, taking a look at the monitor set up beside the one-way glass, all vitals seem to be steady at the moment. The door to the room holding the patient opens up and shuts quickly, Dr Crane slipping in and greeting the patient, thanking him for his time. The patient seems to be a middle aged man, scars run across his arms, roughed up from whatever he did before his time in Arkham, he’s bald and seems to be displeased with his situation. Still, when Dr Crane comes to insert the syringe into his arm he stays still and takes it. The opaque liquid disappears as Dr Crane pushes down on the syringe, removing it once all the liquid has entered into the man’s system. A ‘thank you’ is expressed by Dr Crane before he exits the room, syringe in hand. Once the door is locked, Crane disposes of the syringe in the toxic waste bin in the observer’s room.

“The solution will take about five minutes to kick in,” he says, looking at you and it’s now that you realise just how excited he seems to be. 

The heart rate on the monitor starts to speed up, taking your attention away from Crane, and noting it down.

“Are you sure you estimated the time correctly?” You ask hesitantly, not wanting to offend your professor.

“I did. No worries. Injections can do this to people.”

The next five minutes pass by slowly, Dr Crane behind your chair, his breath tickling your ear. It’s almost impossible to focus like this, you just want to do something about the growing wet spot in your pants. Screaming immediately breaks through the tension you were feeling, you look at the patient. His eyes are wide, his pupils expanded, and his heart rate reaches around 140 bpm. Alarm sets into your own heart, you didn’t expect this big of a reaction from the patient. Dr Crane nudges your shoulder, reminding you to start writing your observations.

11:06: patient’s heart rate reaches 140 bpm

11:07: patient starts uncontrollably screaming at seemingly nothing

Your continued scribbling of notes doesn’t seem to discourage Dr Crane from talking.

“I didn’t know it would be this effective. I’ve been waiting years for this to be approved and this is better than I could’ve ever expected.”

Nausea settled from the mix of pleading for mercy and screaming from the patient, and Dr Crane’s glee from his reactions. Unsure how you could continue on with doing this almost every single day for the two weeks. Writing soon became sloppy due to your own lightheadedness and nausea, every moment you begged someone to make this stop. It was too much. It stretched on for over fifteen minutes before the patient finally came back from whatever drug induced hallucination he was forced into, yet he was still crying. Wanting to distance yourself so far from this experiment, you place the clipboard down.

“Wonderful isn’t it?” Dr Crane asked you, placing a hand on your shoulder. Whatever response you thought you could muster was stuck in your throat, so instead you nodded. “I call it my ‘fear toxin.’”

Once his hand left your shoulder, you immediately stood up, head spinning so much that you stumbled right into Dr Crane.

“Are you okay? Did the ‘fear toxin’ effects startle you?” He asks, putting his hands on your shoulder to stabilise you, his voice bridges between mocking and actually concerned.

“I just need to go to the bathroom,” You squeeze out, stumbling into the hallway and waving goodbye.

Stumbling around, unable to find the bathroom, you slide down the wall of an empty hallway. Sitting on the floor and curling up into the fetal position. Nausea slipping out of you slowly, eyes closed, just wanting to forget about the whole experience. What substance could even make a man react so horribly? Why would anyone make that in the first place? What purpose could a substance like that even serve? How will this even help-

“There you are,” a voice comes from above you, Dr Crane. You open one eye up, becoming flustered at your unprofessionalism, and enraged at the sight of your cruel professor.

He kneels to your height, offering you his soulless smile. “I’m sorry if that startled you, but I thought you would be better than them. I thought you could fully see my vision, look past the gruesome bits and understand what I’m trying to do here.”

His words both enrage you even further and make you feel even more embarrassed. He created a horrible substance, tested out on a man that, from what you know, didn’t deserve it, and essentially tortured him. On the other hand, this is a man who you have dreamed about and only want to please. For the past three years, you have sat in his class and dreamed about only him. For him to think that only you could understand his plans and dreams, is a flattery you could only dream of.

“Maybe I just didn’t prepare you well enough for this. Can I make it up to you?” Dr Crane asks, offering his hand to you. It takes a couple seconds, but you take it and he leads you upwards. 

His hand is oddly cold, his grip on your own hand is firm, but not harsh. His skin is smooth. It’s embarrassing that he has to lead you out of this room, has to coax you to continue.

“Let’s go to my office, hm?” Quirking an eyebrow, but not waiting for a response he led you down the hallway.

Everything seemed to blur together for you, the trip to the elevator, down the elevator, and into his office. He clicks the door shut, locking it, then turns to you. Stepping forward until he’s cornered you onto his desk.

“You think I don’t hear you at night. Calling my name. The walls in that place are very thin,” Dr Crane whispers into your ear, his hand slithering up your thigh.

A gasp escapes your lips, both at the hand now dangerously close to the warmth growing in your pants, and also because you didn’t think he would be able to hear your late night pleasure sessions. Soon he’s cupping your sex and you moan into his ear softly, earning a hum from him. Finger wander up from your sex to cup your chin, he brings you into a kiss. It’s bruising and hungry, he’s biting at your lower lip and you swear you can taste your own blood. His fingers make quick work unbuttoning your pants, sliding them down your legs until they drop to pool around your ankle.

“You're so wet already, how interesting,” He teases, tracing a finger over your clothed slit. Moaning in response you chase after his lips, but he pulls away. 

Your underwear is pushed over to the side, and his middle and ring finger breach your entrance. A loud ‘oh’ comes from your mouth, crane presses his lips to yours again to silence you. His fingers move slowly in and out of you, he catches each moan you let out with his mouth. His lips are soft, but the kiss is rough, his fingers speed up. They stretch you out so nicely it stings a little bit. It’s been so long since someone else has pleasured you, at all.

His fingers pulled out of your sex slowly, deliberately. A painstaking motion that left you close to pleasureless as he pulled out of your kiss. Quickly flipping you around and pressing you into his desk, the shock between his warm body behind you and the cold desk pressed against your front sent you spiralling. There was shuffling behind you, before you felt him lineup his cock with your cunt.

“Beg for it.” 

Your mouth opens and you spew out a string of ‘please’s and ‘need it’ that seem to satisfy him enough for him to push inside of you. He’s girthier than you expected, but not as long as you expected, which is fine for you. The stretch makes you ache and he won’t be bruising your cervix. Without giving you a moment to adjust he starts to move in and out of you.

“You have to be quiet, okay?” He says, before picking up his speed.

He sets up a consistent speed, hitting a spot inside of you that makes you grip the edge of the desk so intensely that your knuckles are turning white. The desk creaks as he moves in and out of your cunt, his breathing speeds up, one hand twists into your hair pulling your head back and you can’t tell if it’s to ground himself or as a reminder for you not to be too loud. Another hand comes to smack your ass, it's a swift hit, but it makes your knees buckle. 

“You're so much better than I thought you would be,” Dr Crane strains out between grunts.

He presses his front to your back, the hand in your hair softening its grip but not leaving. His breath tickles the back of your ear, the grunting coming from him makes you bite your lip to suppress your moans so hard there will be an indent left there tomorrow.

“Dr Crane, can I cum? Please, I’ve been so good, please let me cum,” you babble, the side of your face pressed into his desk making your words slur a little bit.

“Cum for me,” he says, moving the hand not tangled in your hair to your clit. Pressing small circles into your clit, he starts to speed up. 

Soon the pressure in your stomach releases and it goes black for a couple seconds. You feel Dr Crane’s hand press into your mouth to silence you as your legs buckle. Once you’re conscious again, he has already pulled out of you and you can hear him zip up his pants. You stand on your shaking legs and follow suit, trying to press your hair down into a more professional shape.

“I would recommend you get cleaned up,” Dr Crane says, giving you a smile, “Was that enough motivation to continue aiding me in my experiment?” “Uh- Yes,” you answer, not fully aware of what you were even saying, too embarrassed and lightheaded to even compute anything he was saying besides ‘getting cleaned up.’

“Perfect. After you get cleaned up, please meet me in room 256B. We can meet again here tomorrow during our lunch break if you continue to need the motivation provided,” He pats you on the shoulder, and leaves you in the room alone.

[rogerswifesblog]

this is my first time asking for something, sorry if it’s wrong😭 can i please ask for “well this is awkward” drabble with bucky? from the bingo! with some smut and angst maybe? maybe on a mission and they get stuck somewhere together 😏

Pls i love this, thank you for this request! I hope you’ll like it!😋 let me know!

Sorry for not positing a lot, I’m incredibly busy😩

All drabbles will be posted with the tag “1 k followers special” just look for it on my blog:)

Getting close

Warnings: grinding, handjob (over clothes), ruined orgasm, implied sex

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader

It was a chaotic mission from the beginning. Nothing went according to plan-first your gun, the the too many agents what weren’t supposed to be at the hydra base and in the end the whole builiging being in a lock down making you unable to leave.

You had to hide, which wasn’t as simple as you expected but I’m the end you two did the most cliché thing that you could think off.

You hid in a closet.

A small one to that.

Bucky was pressed right against your back, so close not even a piece of paper would fit between you two.

The worst part about it all was your crush on Bucky. Since he came into the compound you had already started liking him, he was shy and didn’t talk at first, but you had noticed the little things he did for others-for example whenever he was the first to wake, which considering his nightmares was very often, he prepared Clint’s and Tony’s pots of coffee, because they both often woke very early or in Tony’s case he didn’t sleep much at nights.

For Natasha he always left the first slice of bread since she loved the crispy slice. Sometimes he even took out the peanut butter and jam before she even could walk into the kitchen.

For Bruce he often left the loveseat for him to sit in, since he rather liked sitting alone instead on the couch with others-which Bucky also hated, but he rather sat with the others than make Bruce squish between Thor and and Steve.

For Steve he did so much you couldn’t begin to count it. He made smoothies for them both, prepared movies or other stuff they had to catch up on, he even cooked some meals they hadn’t in their time.

Bucky was a sweetheart.

Everyone knew it, but nobody said it out loud. He rather showed his grumpy face even though everyone knew he wasn’t actually that grumpy.

That’s why you liked him so much. You hoped he- ��do you think they’re gone now?”, Buckys voice interrupted your train of thoughts and you looked back at him over your shoulder. He was so close you could feel his breath on your skin.

“Yeah-maybe, we should check, let me-oh…”, you tried to push the door open but it didn’t move a bit. You tried again, the same happened.

You moved a bit more, pushing and pulling at the door, making yourself press a bit closer to bucky. He gasped quietly, his hands immediately grabbing onto your hips, brushing up to your waist. “Could you stop moving so much?” He mumbled, his face blushing which you couldn’t see.

“It’s just-the door doesn’t open. I have to get it open somehow”, you mumbled, trying to pull the door open, making yourself lean into his chest, you ass grinding against Bucky's gun attached to his belt. He gasped quietly, trying to push you away from it. At least that’s that you thought.

“Bucky just take the gun out and nothing will happen”, you mumbled, leaning yourself a bit forceful into the door before once again pulling and leaning back into Bucky, his gun still poking you in your behind.

A gasp escaped his lips and he pressed himself further into the wall, even though he couldn’t get away from you.

“Well….this is awkward…but it’s not a gun”, he stuttered, his hand moving from your waist to his crotch, covering his hardness-which until now you thought was a gun.

Your face heated up at the realization and you didn’t know what to say, slowly looking over your shoulder at Bucky. He was red as a tomato, his gaze glued to the ceiling, his hands still covering his hard cock that was tenting his pants.

“You’re-?-“ “yep.” “And it’s because I gr-“ “yep.” “And-” “can we maybe stop the questioning and just, you know, get out of here?? Not make it even more awkward than it already is?”

You chuckled at Buckys words, nodding slowly. “It’s only awkward if you make it awkward”, you mumbled, feeling a weird tension slowly growing between you. Only a moment later you felt Buckys hand on your hips, his breath on your neck.

“Stop me if i'm misunderstanding it…”, he mumbled before his lips pressed to the side of your neck, kissing gently yet passionately. A quiet moan escaped your lips as he suckled at your skin, pushing his clothes cock into your behind, grinding slowly, soft moans leaving his lips at the movement.

You gasped quietly, slowly leaning back into Buckys embrace as his kisses become more passionate, your skin covered in small rosy marks.

“Kiss me…” you whispered, lifting your head. Bucky didn’t need to hear it twice before immediately pressing his lips to your, his arms wrapping tightly around you. For a second you pulled away, only to turn around as quick as possible and pressing your lips one more time onto his.

You both gasped loudly into the kiss as Bucky pulled you closer, rubbing his hardness against you. Your hands slowly brushed down to Bucky's pants, rubbing over his hardness.

The man moaned quietly against your lips, moving himself against your palm, grinding his palm harder in your hand. “Oh fuck-“, he whispered quietly, kissing your neck again and up to your ear, gently suckling at your earlobe.

His heartbeat was racing at his point, the feeling of you this close made him dizzy, the smell of your shampoo so intoxicating, the taste of your skin and lips addicting. He couldn’t get enough of you.

And you wanted more of him. You wanted to feel him, kiss him, devour him. “Buck-”, you gasped quietly when one of his hands found your butt and pressed you closer against his chest. His clothed cock feels huge against your body. God, you needed to feel him. You needed to feel him stretch your cunt so nicely. And if that’s not possible-you just wanted to have him in your palm. His warm skin, his release in your hand when he orgasms. You need it like a fish needs water.

“Fuck-feels so good-I’m gonna-I’m so close”, he moaned into your ear, making you want to touch him even more. You immediately started opening his belt.

But before you could open his pants Bucky pulled away, looking over your shoulder at the door, his face blank and in thought. “I hear steps-four people. Voices…men…Hydra”, he mumbled close to your ear, the movements of your hand immediately stilling. “What? Fuck-do you think they’ll find us-“ “shhh, shhh” Bucky shushed you, pressing his hand to your lips. His breath was still as quick and hard as yours, but he tried to calm himself down.

Which felt like torture.

He was so close to coming. So, so close.

His cock was throbbing painfully. Still hard as a rock, if not more than before. For a second his hips still moved against you, before he forced himself to stop, even if it was the hardest thing he had to do.

Just then a shadow fell onto the door and you could hear voices outside. It didn’t end there, only a second later someone pulled at the door, once, twice. “It’s locked, besides, who’d be this stupid to hide in a closed. It’s the first place people would look into. Come on, let’s get going, we have to find them”, said a man’s voice.

“Especially him. We don’t need the girl”, said the same voice again, stepping away again. You sighed out, a bit louder than intended, the steps stopping.

“You heard that too? It sounded like-” You felt your whole body tense as the shadow reappeared, once again pulling at the door. To get away from the door as far as possible you tried to push yourself closer to Bucky, with him wrapping his arms tightly around you. Just then you heard the lock slowly open- “We need to move, stop opposing over a closet or do you have something to share with us?” “Come on, I told you to stop-“ the voices got quieter as the steps slowly faded once again. This time you didn’t dare breathe.

“Maybe we should get outta here and finish at home what we started”, Bucky breathed into your ear, his half hard cock pressing once again against you. “I’d rather have my time with you…” His lips moving over your earlobe. “I have planned a few things for us…”

Thank you for reading!

I hope you liked it! Leave some feedback and don’t forget to reblog!

Flood my inbox!:)

[nerdieforpedro]

Angel in Disguise

Javier Peña x plus size female reader

This fic and blog are for readers 18+ MDNI

Word Count: a little over 1k

Summary: It's raining and it reminds you of your recent interactions with your best friend Javier Peña.

Warnings: unrequited love, angst, one person you work for should not drive, slight self-esteem issues?, possessiveness

Notes: I haven't posted anything for Javier Peña for a long time. I'm glad I was able to write something. This is one of two for @undercoverpena 's April Showers Challenge.

Main Masterlist/ Javier Peña Masterlist/ Writing Challenges Masterlist

Leaning against your desk, you’re looking out at another rainy day. Thankful that you keep a pair of rain boots in your office and at home. You’re thinking of last month and last week, how you’ve lied to Javier and yourself. It’s for the best though. 

Large drops remain on the window as the sound of the water falling intensifies. Last month you had finally worked up the, well with a shot or two of liquid courage to tell him. Tell Javier Peña that “yeah, we’re friends Javi but I want more from you. Have wanted more from you. I could make you happy, because I know you. We know each other. I can give you something simple, a life together.” One of your favorite dresses, your deep violet one that had the open shoulders you liked. Pretty and not too sexy you felt, just right.

Nothing was right that night. He walked in with a woman you were pretty sure was at least ten years younger than him or maybe she had excellent skincare and always used sunscreen. His hand looked perfect on her waist and so did hers on his. He introduced her to you as his girlfriend of the last six months. You’d heard him mention someone but didn’t think it was the same person. Was she the one that had large mood swings? Javier would never admit it but you know he craves a bit of drama. Something you rarely have any of. Dinner was nice at the bar. She seemed nice. Neither of them stopped smiling nearly the entire night. 

The only silver lining is that you live on a lower floor than Javier so you don’t hear that. You’d go insane if you heard them doing that. You’ve heard the rumors and have gotten the sense (though given your feelings you could be biased. Highly doubtful,) that most of them are true.

That night you went home by yourself, threw off your dress and flopped across the bed. You weren’t sure if the rain came down first or your tears but you do know that you cried yourself to sleep and woke up cold. 

That was last month. Now they’ve been together for seven months.

This week at work you were legitimately busy given that the ambassador you work for has decided to drive drunk and hit a lamppost, damn idiot. Of course he wants to use his diplomatic immunity and the policia would like to make an example out of him. Negotiations are led by you as you represent the embassy. Javier was able to catch you one day, say hello, how are you and ask what you thought of Camilla. Her name is even pretty, like her. She was polite and complimented your dress that night. Nothing bad to say about the woman except she exists or is doing so next to Javi.

You lied right to your friend’s face and told him that you like her, she seemed very sweet, that you three should go out for drinks and that she’s beautiful. The last one wasn’t a lie, she was stunning. The rest of it you’re still unsure how you made it all drop from your mouth so easily. His eyes light up and Javier says something that is as honeyed as it is a stab, “I’m glad you like her. I was worried you might not and then I’d have to wonder if she’s really right for me. You’re the best ángel.” You think you smiled and gave him a hug before going back to dealing with the ambassador issue. It’s a blur. Getting back to your office and stopping yourself from yelling took priority over before getting back on the phone about this drunkard’s problem which is yours.

Finally into the next week, you’ve settled the dispute between the policia and the ambassador. He’s required to pay for the damage and a substantial amount of money to the city of Bogata with a suitable donation to the policía as well. You should have left a few hours ago, but then you might have run into Javier on your way out. You need to steady yourself before seeing him. ‘Just act like I did two months ago. It will be fine.’ That’s what you tell yourself but you know your body will betray you when you see him. You feel the melancholy and longing again. 

The gray skies match your mood. Subdued. Drippy. Unsettled. Foreboding. Closing your eyes, you feel them fall against your cheek again, the tears rolling down. Twisting your body to reach for the tissue box you now keep on your desk, you pat your eyes to see Javier Peña in the middle of your office.

“Hey amiga, qué paso? (friend, what’s up?) You’re crying.” It’s kind that he asks, Javier is always kind. Before you can tell him you’re fine, he’s got an arm around you and kisses your forehead. “What’s wrong?” You won’t tell him why, he’s happy and you know he deserves it. Given the small pieces of how he came to be at the embassy. Broad strokes and rumors are what you know. Javier doesn’t talk about his time in Columbia or pursuing the Cali cartel. When it’s mentioned his face hardens, letting people know to change the subject.

“Just a tough day today, that's all Javi. Thanks.” Your head leans against his chest, breathing in his scent. Keeping your hands around the tissue you’d been dabbing your eyes with. A thought you immediately regret enters your mind:

Could she be an angel in disguise and leave him broken on a rainy day such as this? Maybe Javier would be standing out in the rain? Could you take him against your chest like he’s doing with you now?

No. It wouldn’t be the same. Javier is being a sincere friend to you right now. You would have an ulterior motive. 

A few more tears fall across your cheeks as a gust of wind blows the rain loudly against your window. Even the sky is scolding you:

Leave that man be, you’re the angel in disguise. 

Peeps who want a hug from Javier 😭:

@guelyury @yorksgirl @angelofsmalldeath-codeine @javierpena-inatacvest

@theywhowriteandknowthings @goodwithcheese @maggiemayhemnj @readingiskeepingmegoing @bitchwitch1981

@harriedandharassed @bishtrouille @schnarfer @katw474 @megamindsecretlair

@tinytinymenace @magpiepills @pedroshotwifey

[deesseshesca]

Why am I emotional ?

And suddenly it was just me… FUCK it is just me. 

Good evening, pretty souls, today we are checking on your emotional scale. What is affecting you now, how can we fix it and how to minimize the damage in the process of doing so. 

ANNOUNCEMENT 

I will be giving full reading for a very affordable price (almost free) but there will only be 3 spots available. Stay posted on my blog, so you don’t miss this opportunity. 

Choose the image that’s speak to you and allow yourself to soak ONLY what’s reasoning with YOUR SITUATION 

Rules and Disclaimer 

I am the type of tarot reader to say as it is. Nothing is sugar coated but everything is send with good intention. If you are not ready to face some truth, you should vagabond somewhere else. 

TW: R@pe, S@cide

MINOR DON'T INTERACT WITH THIS POST 

MINOR DON’T READ THIS POST 

CHOOSE AN IMAGE

PILE 1

Two wands, Ace swords, Justice, Queen wands, ‘’Please unblock me … Yeah, that’s me calling you from an unknown number’’, ‘’ I have abandonment issues ! I grew up in a single parent household ! I had a rough childhood”

HEYY !!! Spiritual girly. I’m talking to earthy aesthetic girls. The one that smells like coco butter and vanilla walking around in a long skirt, crop top and too many jewels. When it comes to you, the cauldron told me about an opportunity that finally touches your hand. When I dive deeper into the message, I’m sensing something that took a lot of hard work and a lot of faith. For a long time it was just an idea in your mind for which you fought for it to materialize into the 3D. Congratulations babes ! A lot of obstacles came in the way but you stay resilient. That also was not easy since your faith was often tested in the meantime. I’m getting a new opportunity, a new career field opening, and the start of a new hobby/business. You finally have the time and funds to dive deep into a project. I’m hearing: ‘’I’ll be dammed if I let you fuck me up’’. At the moment, you feel a bit overwhelmed. Now that the gift is sitting on your porch, you don’t actually know how to approach it. What do you want VS what you need ? Your desires or your needs, first ? One is all about the action while the other path is all about trusting the process called ‘’life’’. A lot of people all of the sudden seem very worried about your actions. Acting like the decision you are making has a huge impact on their destiny. If I may, girl f them. If they paid attention earlier, they would have noticed you were not happy with your life . Now all of the sudden they care so much about what's happening to you. Like…Let’s be frl. You have to stand up for yourself. Whatever decision you make regarding that situation, you will NEED to voice it. Is insomnia keeping you up at night ? Well let’s start to implement some meditation before sleep. So you can be less in your head. Try to be more practical with your way of living. Rn I feel like you always looked like a baddie but it’s only recently that you actually felt like one.  Advice: Don’t slow down. Is easy now since you finally receive what you pray for, to relax and enjoy but it is only the beginning. Don’t try to accommodate or to one. Put yourself FIRST. 

Love 

The ex of your dude ( the fact that i did not choose a lover, sneaky link or even crush. Girl why are still holding on for. LOL. ) Is trying to get him back. And you really don’t give a damn. I feel like you don’t even want him. But he is stuck on you like glue. I think the thing that completely broke the bond between y'all is that he doesn't want you to be better. Like you announce him the good news and he knew you really wanted it. Now he wants you to let it go. BOY BYE ! BYEEEE! You don’t even hate him, you feel disgusted that he even thought his opinion mattered that much. Plus he keeps mentioning you change. Babe you did ! Don’t let him bully out of your shit. Now you are more sexually confident with yourself and bold with your boundaries. Him: You were more submissive back than. You: Now I have shit I care for. Advice: STAND ON BUSINESS. If he is block let him stay there. Yes, he is the unknown number that is trying to reach you. 

PILE 2

Hanged man, Moon, Ten pentacles (reverse), Tower, 1111, 777, ‘’I want a second chance ! Not being with you is killing me !’’ 

Heyy… pile 2, you are my TW pile. Before you get deeper in the reading just know it is completely fine for you to take another one especially if you are not ready to talk about it. To beginning , when I was channeling, I first sang a very happy song. Then a faint voice called for help. At that exact moment the card fell out. First let go of the struggle especially if you try everything and nothing is working. Take a moment to breathe. Is time to surrender to life and believe that it will actually bring you to a better place. Let go of the victim and become the warrior you needed from others. Start your healing journey, go to therapy, take your pills, do some journaling. I know when you are reading you probably smirk. I��m speaking with experience, babies. Is not going to change overnight. But as I am channeling, I'm picturing you in a very messy room with molding left over surrounding you.  I keep hearing ‘’ I was NEVER like this before’’. I know babies, I know how such experience can change you. You are FUCKING powerful. I’m not saying this because of trauma, that’s what I channel. You were always standing on your power and someone tried to knock you off your throne. One small change at a time, like cleaning your room once a week. Drinking one water bottle a day. Eating at least 3 times a day even if it is a snack is going to get you going. Right now, you must be feeling fucked up. Like he hurt you. He took away your spark,  why should you try to get it back. When such an event happens in people's life, it is re-birth. Is time to re-learn to live again. Choose your pace and take it day by day. Nobody truly heals from it, I can assure you that. But you can learn to live a thriving life despite it. Instead of going on the hunt for the old version of you, learn about this new you. Pay attention to your dreams, there is a message in them. Reflect on your inner voice. Don’ t allow others to dictate how you are supposed to heal even if what you feel right now is numbness. Stick to your guns since you are the only one that knows you best at the moment. A good opportunity or news is going to present itself in divine timing. You will be sitting in the right place and right moment. One of your wishes will come true. Something worth living will come out of this situation. There’s good luck heading your way. All wisdom gain from this journey would be very helpful to the community if you ever decide to share it one day. 

LOVE 

You are with someone that your friends and family don’t approve of. And the icing on the cake , you don’t like them either. You don’t want to be alone and you are too ‘’broken’’ for a healthy relationship so you are distracting yourself with that. Let me be the bearer of bad (good) news, this relationship will end. Your distraction will leave and reality will hit. One thing I see, they will play games in front of your face. They will even threaten to kill themself, just to keep you sucked in. Text them number phone for help online and move on. Don’t engage more than that. What is more fuck up, is that they keep you close just have sex with you. 

Song: Praying-Kei$ha

Loves classic English literature, read the bible just for fun, future witch

PILE 3 (18+) 

Lovers (reverse), Page Wands, Strength, Hanged man, ‘’I love your swag ! You are the whole package !’’,444

Hey…beyhives. I feel like, I’m only speaking to Beyonce stan at the moment. You guys are still bumping the country album of Queen B, like it came out yesterday. You guys are weirdly connected to my spiritual team because it feels like I was meant to read for you. Let’s get into it. People don’t realize how kinky you are, they know you are freaky. But nah… y’all are KINKY. You are a person that is aware of your sexual power and don't mind using it to your advantage. Your manners , your body, your sensuality, attract and please other people. You know what button to push. You are a very experienced  and sensual lover. Not shy at all, actually very confident. 

LOVE 

I feel like you are looking for a confirmation. Let me be. Your relationship has run it’s time. I don't even think y’all ever loved him. But he was the only one that allow you dual nature. I’m getting from the outside y’all are super cute, but in the bed a pure beast. You guy LOVE sex. You are scared that you are never going to find someone that will get you stamina without judging you by calling your names, especially if you identify as women. He cheated. Which made you extremely possessive and jealous. So you use sex to control him. I’m hearing: How DARE you think you can find better than me ! Advice : Start something new take a break from your love life and slowdown on sex for a minute. Usually if you have more sexual energy than usual it is because your body's calling you to create. Think about it: to create life we need to get nasty in the bedroom. Imma need you to get nasty in your career. Find something that is passionate about you  and go hard (ahahaha). Look at the bigger picture, you are way to focus on him. Feel the fear and do it anyway. You are fearful of rejection. That’s why you allow this man to take the best out of you. Find a new source of inspiration and shake off the blues. Right now contrary to what you might think, you are not sitting in your divine feminine energy. Since you are in such war mode, it is almost completely masculine. Plus, he doesn't care for you at ALL. But he does know that they will never be another woman like you.

Song: Haunted-Beyonce 

Platinum blond hair, very fair skin, very light blue eyes, luscious lips and round face. Face card is LETHAL. 

[countrymusiclover]

11 - He’s Finally Mine

Part 12

The Lion Knight and Dragon Princess

Tags- just send an ask to be added @cdragons @kmc1989 @starkleila @noirrose21-blog @lover-of-books-and-tea

Blinking my eyes opened slowly where I lifted my hand getting blinded by the sunlight coming through the thin curtain material.  Rolling over onto my side a smile graced my lips seeing Jaime sleeping beside me.  Raising my right hand I ran my fingers gently through his long blonde hair causing him to wake up. “Vaella?” 

“Sorry I wasn’t trying to wake you up.” I apologize drawing my hand back away from his head where he rolled over to face me. 

“It’s okay.  I haven’t been a heavy sleeper for years.  Not since I became a knight under your father anyways.” 

Resting my head against the palm of my left hand that was resting up on my pillow. “So how did you sleep last night after we made love again?” 

“I always sleep better than I ever do when I’m away from you.” 

I flashed him a cheerful smile climbing up into his lap and straddling his waist. “Is that your way of telling me you missed me?” 

“Possibly.” He clicked his tongue. 

I leaned forward closing the gap between us concreting our lips together for the very first time this morning after he had returned to me in the middle of the night. “I do rather enjoy an answer like that.” 

“Oh I see.” He smiled into the kiss, raising his left hand up to bring my head closer against his doing the best he could to keep the kiss going. 

"Jaime?" He hums against my lips so I break away from the kiss making him pout. "I - I love you." 

Jaime looked up to me before he smashed his lips to mine, grinning from ear to ear,  He pulled away barely to have his long locks fall on my face. His green eyes glowing. "You have no idea how long I've wanted to hear that. I - I’m just not good with words so I was afraid you’d think it was too soon." 

“I’m done waiting to let myself be happy with you.” I smiled, pulling his lips to mine once again and he didn't have us break for a long time.  Trying to catch my breath I labor out, resting my hands on his bare chest. "You know at this rate, we'll never get up.." 

Jaime shook his head playfully at me, leaning down to kiss me. "Who said it would be a bad thing, Vaella?" 

I replied in between kisses. "No one." Jaime deepened the kiss, making my heart race.

“Then I don’t see the problem.” 

 "But we should talk about the fact that I’m pregnant...I mean what are we going to name the boy or girl?” I broke away from his to rest my hands around his neck, his forehead against mine to catch our breaths. 

He doesn’t really answer my question. “We’ll figure it out later.” 

“You’re totally lying just so I’ll cave and we can have sex again.  You’re not as clever as you think when it comes to me sniffing you out.” 

Jaime chuckled with a sigh. "I’m not lying, I will help you with all that business later. But doesn't this sound tempting right now?" He started kissing me on my neck tickling me with his scruff and I nearly fell for it when he heard me moan but I pushed my hands against his chest. 

"Indeed it does - ah make love to me, Lannister." Jaime bends his head down laughing before rolling me onto my back smashing our lips back together with us getting entirely lost in the kiss. 

Ringing the water out of my hair I walked towards my bed. I had just gotten finished with my bath heading over to Jaime who was laying in my bed with some simple red and gold Lannister clothing. “I have been thinking about something recently.” 

“Yeah and what exactly does that mean?” He asked me seeing my light nightgown flowing around when I laid down beside him. 

“I’ve told you about how my house was formed.  But I’ve never heard the story of yours.” 

The golden knight lightly chuckled at me. “You want to hear about the Rock?” 

“Yes.” 

Jaime replied simply back to me. “Alright.  Let me see it starts with-“

“Wait, wait, wait.” I held up my hands, placing them over his mouth, snuggling down underneath his right arm laying my head on his chest. “Now tell me.” 

Jaime chuckled playfully down at me. “You’re ridiculous, princess Vaella.” 

“Regardless, I'm ready for you to tell me.” I stuck my tongue out looking up into his gaze then buried my head in the crook of his neck. 

His other arm draped over my chest where I gently held onto his right hand, listening to him starting to explain. "According to one legend my ancestor Clan the Clever swindled the castle from them. The most common story is that he found a hidden cleft in the rock and snuck into the castle. At night he whispered threats into sleeping ears. Howled in the darkness, planted one brother's treasure in the room of another and so forth." 

“Jaime! Ahh - finish the story.” 

Jaime shifted his weight moving to plant some kisses on my neck before he kept talking, getting to hear me giggle in his ear. "My brother prefers a different version. Clan the Clever did find a secret entrance into the castle. But used it to have his way with the Casterly maidens. Eventually the girls gave birth to golden haired bastards and the Casterlies had no choice but to accept their father into the family.  In gratitude he changed the family name and house Lannister was born." 

“Do you think one day I’ll get to be at the Rock with you?” I asked him intertwining my left hand with his right. 

He shrugged his shoulders giving a response. “If we’re lucky, yes.  I’d rather like for someone else than me to be fond of my home.” 

“Make me your wife and Lady of the Rock then there will be nothing to stand in our way.” I teased him with a smirk wrapping my arms around his neck moving to straddle his waist with him instantly kissing me back.  My dream of seeing the Rock had began to get slimmer and slimmer from that day onward. 

A few hours later I had gotten myself changed into a red handmaiden dress and my boots, finishing the tying of my laces by the time Jaime came out of the washroom.  Turning around on my heels I sent him a confused look tilting my head to the side. “What did you do to your hair?” 

“I cut it.” He answered. 

“Why?” 

He shrugged his shoulders. “It was far too long and was getting on my last nerve.” 

“I understand that.  I just thought you would tell me before you did it.” 

Jaime clicks his tongue. “What is this really about, Vaella?” 

“I love your longer hair.” I finally answered his question, nearly throwing the gold dress ribbon I had in my hands at the lion in front of me. 

Jaime chuckled, smirking at me when he crossed the room trapping me in his arms. “Awe my dear princess, I’m sorry.  If that’s one of the things you enjoy about having sex with me I wouldn’t have done it.” 

“How would you feel if I chopped my hair to look like a boy hmm?” I lightly pushed myself from his grasp beginning to tie the lace around my waist and into a knot behind my back putting my back to him until he tugged me back into his chest and spun me around to face him once again. 

“Please don’t ever do that.  You’re Targaryen hair is one of the things I love about you.” 

I tapped his nose with my index finger with a glare. “Then you now understand why I am so upset with you, Ser Lannister.” 

“I’ll grow it back out for you in time of course.” Jaime responded, his gaze pouring down into my purple eyes. He raised his left hand cradling my cheek in his palm and smiled when I leaned into it. “How about I make it up to you later tonight hmm.” 

Blinking my eyes I already knew where his mind was going and I had to admit my desire to be with him had grown since I had accepted that I was pregnant with his child. “And how would you make it up to me?” 

“Oh I’m quite certain you’d be very happy with what I have in mind.” Jaime twirled me underneath his left arm so my back was pressing to his front allowing him to whisper in my ear. 

He nuzzled his nose into the crook of my neck kissing there ever so slowly for my liking. “Jaime - don’t be a tease.” 

“I sort of have to, princess.  For I’ll know you’ll be just as bothered as I will be during Joffrey’s wedding.” Jaime pushed me forward exiting the room leaving me standing there all flustered and bothered by what he had just done. 

“You golden ass!” 

The wedding of the young Lannister bastard had gone pretty well even though the king had started forcing Tyrion to do ridiculous things.  Raising a cup to my lips I drank my water until I heard some people muttering in the King's direction where he had abandoned his food and appeared to be choking on whatever he had consumed.   I remained standing beside some of the other servants who were there to serve the royals.  So before my eyes I watched Joffrey begin grabbing for his throat and his wife cry. “He's choking!”

“Help the poor boy. Idiots, help your king.” Lady Tyrell shouted at the guards who were just standing around doing nothing. 

Jaime pushed his way through the crowds of people rushing over to his son. “Move away! Joffrey! Joffrey!”

Cersei pushed her son’s wife out of the way. “Help him! Someone help him!”

“Joffrey!” Jaime grabbed his shoulder rolling him over seeing he was foaming at the mouth now. 

“ Don't touch him!” She pushed Jaime away from her son seeing her son raising his finger pointing at Tyrion who had picked up the cup that was dropped. “Joffrey. Please, Joffrey. Joffrey, what is it?” 

“Oh my god.” I muttered under my breath, holding onto my mothers ring necklace while Joffrey began to turn purple and blood came from his eyes. 

Cersei began crying, touching his chest with Joffrey’s hand falling limp beside his body. “My son.”

A man announces. “He's gone. Our king is gone.”

“He did this. He poisoned my son, your king. Take him. Take him!” Cersei shouted at her younger brother before guards dragged him away to the dungeons.  All I could think was that Sansa Stark was finally free of him. 

[wordy-little-witch]

I feel like I’m getting annoying with all these agere asks but I’m in a weird headspace rn and so my favs now have to regress and be happy so I can sleep better and maybe someone else gets a kick outta it I dunno? Anyways

I still love the idea that Buggy’s regression is mostly unrelated to wanting to wear certain clothes or long for certain toys or even a specific kind of food or such, I like to think it’s very „No. aesthetic“ type of regression, where you probably couldn’t tell at first glance and it’s not as easy as just giving him kiddie stuff and he’ll be happy. (Not to knock on anyone who does like the aesthetics and kiddie stuff just to be clear.) so he actually doesn’t have a bunch of toys and plushies and such and doesn’t really ask for them either.

…. THAT BEING SAID

Buggy should most definitely have an absolutely gigantic plush Fruitwani. Massive thing. It’s almost as big as Crocodile himself and that’s not counting the tail. A complete impulse purchase by Crocodile as well, being separated from his husbands for a while, having to delay reuniting them for another two days because of unforeseen circumstances and some unfortunate encounters with some Marines. Talking on the Denden to both of them and learning Buggy has had some bad regression days behind him. He doesn’t even let himself slip fully, there’s still a part of him that knows why Crocodile isn’t back with them, so he tries to stay in a big headspace when talking to him, but inwardly Buggy just wants to cry badly and curl up into Mihawks arms all day because Croccy isn’t home and he doesn’t LIKE it when people aren’t with him for too long because they may never come back. It’s a mess. Crocodiles suffering, Mihawk is suffering and Buggy is absolutely miserable.

So when Crocodile spots the giant plush toy sitting in a store window, surrounded by smaller plushtoys, his mind is immediately made up. Yes that one. Just for decoration? Not for sale? Well it is now. No. No that can be arranged. No the price doesn’t matter, he will leave this island with this absolute beast of a plush toy no matter how many Beri he has to spend or who he’ll have to harm if that what it takes. He WILL have that toy.

Buggy still clings to Crocodile more than usual when he gets back, no plush could ever replace the connection he was craving…. But after he has settled down a bit more the plush actually becomes on of his favorite toys. Not even just when he’s regressed, he just loves this thing. Has spooked several people wanting to talk business with Crossguild coming into the room finding chairman Buggy lounging on, what appears to be, a full sized Fruitwani , it just looks that convincing at first glance. For Buggy it’s not only cool and flashy, it’s a very, literally, big reminder that Crocodile cares about him in his own way, even when on some days the most he’ll get from him is a good morning kiss and the rest of the day is filled with snark towards him until he bids him and Mihawk goodnight again. It just means a lot to him to know he’s loved even when he’s being vulnerable or difficult.

Also yes, Crocodile also loves this thing and Mihawk has been on the suffering end of him and Buggy spooning the damn thing at night while he goes woefully unembraced on his side of the bed „ah yes, just me, my fiances, and the eight foot tall Applewani plush one of them threatened a shop owner over.“

Olay lemme preface this with some things

1) you're not annoying at all, and if anyone says you are, I'll eat their knees

2) I get it - honestly posting content for Buggy specifically for age regression was nerve wracking bc like. Idek really. But giving things I experience to characters I love is so cathartic, and I've spent more than a few nights just.... daydreaming about stuff like that just to be happy and comfy and cozy. No judgement on this blog, of that I promise you ♡♡♡

3) agere is valid every and any way, aesthetic or not, visible or not, it's doesn't matter, only the ways people feel. If you're safe, happy, and not harming anyone, you're doing so perfect and I love you and am proud of you

Now with my soap box stuff done, HOLY HECK YES YES PLZ I LOVE THIS I ADORE I NEED IT, GODS YOUR MIND!!!!! (/pos)

Buggy isn't a typical person, head to toe, inside out, he's Flashy but also incredibly subtle. His regression isn't some cookie cutter type of deal, he's wild and slightly feral in some ways, he's unusual and perfect and precious. His idea of a good time is knife games, climbing (everything is sight, nothing is sacred), explosions, and playing poker. He has a special rope that's just for him to tie and play with ((and occasionally chew on, though Mihawk has a mild heart attack every time he sees it while Crocodile cringes into the next plane of existence in disgust)).

At a glance, not much changes, but Mihawk can feel the change in Haki, and Crocodile can see the microscopic things there when Buggy shifts. He holds things differently, stims more visibly, just seems bouncier and even more animated yet somehow much more calm. The best explanation comes from Buggy himself in describing the shifting between his headspaces. "Some things turn off and others pop on open."

The worst thing to Buggy in general is a perception of loss or abandonment. Logically, he knows it isn't the case, and he can cling to that mostly, but experience has taught him that distance does NOT, in fact, make hearts grow fonder - at least, not for him. The one and only time he felt it may have applied - and this is a very tentative maybe - was when he reunited with his crew, made into Alvida's image and her decisions. There was no war over crew nor ship, just an allowance to slip back in as if he'd never quite left. The only changes or acknowledgement was Alvida's slightly awkward, brusque, yet lingering touch to his arm when she gave it a squeeze and remarked that "handling these hoodlums solo is not my idea if a good time." He was needed, and that did wonders for his security but not so much for the mental health.

Crocodile and Mihawk don't need him - he's the face man, sure, and he's got a talent for manipulation, speeches, rallying men. But at the end of the day, they outshine him despite their proclivities for the shadows. It's a juxtaposition. It's safe. It's wonderful, and Buggy still struggles to trust in the reliability there.

Logically, he knows- Croc is out, managing something for work, he's coming back, he will be back, he's not alone or abandoned or suddenly useless and worthless.

But he still feels it all.

And falling into his headspace to decompress is always harder when he's upset or scared, it only really works when he boils over, and the meltdown that would lead to is counterproductive. So he's waffling between the two, assured only by the calls, by Mihawk, and the few other places he can get some semblance normalcy and security.

When Crocodile does come home, a comically large plush toy over his shoulder, Buggy's already practically vibrating and is completely beyond the point of words in a positive way. He just squeals, lunges and the cushion of sand catching his weight is warm and safe and cozy and he clings, a clown themed koala, right there without shame.

The plush doesn't come up until later.

When someone inevitably asks - and, interestingly enough, it is Mihawk who does - Croc is honest. "Thought the clown would like it for longer trios like this."

The toy is big, yes, and also decently heavy, moreso than even it's size may seem. It's partially weighted in the tummy, legs and jaw, a display piece more than a toy for playing with, and Buggy is absolutely obsessed. It's Croco-sized, and it's a 'wani, and it's soft and cute and heavy. He loves it.

His first order of business is immediately dropping down to scramble under it and just... going limp. He wriggles a little, humming softly before falling still, cheek squished into his forearms, hair a mess but he's smiling, he's relaxed, he's comfy and happy and safe and with his boyfriends' Haki on the edges if his muffled, fuzzy awareness, he truly unwinds for the first time in over a week.

Crocodile carefully tugs his hair from under the toy with his hook, and Mihawk hands him a little fidget toy or a rope.

The toy is named later on, as demanded by a tiny jester with a frankly lethal set of baby doll eyes and quivering lip. Really, he could topple nations with that face, the other two swear.

Mihawk simply has to make peace with Addie the Applewani Cuddle Buddy having a semi permanent spot in the bed.

[starfallchampion]

Alola! My name is Lucky, I’m a professional Pokémon trainer and retired Champion from, you guessed it, Alola! I’m Galarian by blood, but we moved when I was younger so my trainer journey formally began here. Yes, I am that Champion who dealt with the Ultra Beast crisis ��� I’m open to questions about it, so long as they’re not like “does it still keep you up at night?” Answer being yes, of course it does. In fact, if you have any questions about anything and everything battle-related, shoot them my way! Not only am I a seasoned trainer, I’ve also been travelling the world for quite some time now with my siblings, beaten a few gym circuits and given a couple evil teams what-for! I’ve seen people and Pokémon of all stripes from everywhere you can think of, so I like to think I’m pretty qualified!

If you’ve ever followed me and my journey as Alola’s Champion (fun fact: I was the first official champ in Alola!) you’ll know my strategy has evolved and changed a lot over the years. I can’t tell you what it actually is for obvious reasons, but you should know by now it’s super effective (lol). My ask box is always open, so please, ask away!

More information about me:

I started this blog at the suggestion of my partner! Partner as in romantic human partner, not my partner Pokémon lol. He and my siblings may post occasionally and if they do please do say hello!

I split my time between a lot of different regions for work reasons so I’m oftentimes extremely tired because of the jet leg on top of a sleep condition I have. For my physical issues I have a few Mons to support me that don’t battle, so they’re not very well-known in my ‘lore’ as some people call it.

Since I was a teenager and the Aether Foundation Incident happened I haven’t had very much privacy, so I’m very private about my life and my Pokémon outside of a battle context! I’ll probably still post about my non-battling Mons and my family + my partner, but not beyond what we’re up to generally.

My sister is studying very hard to be a Pokémon professor, so if she gets anything wrong, please don’t be afraid to correct her! Just be gentle, she’s still learning lol. My brother on the other hand will probably be reblogging a lot of Dark-type content, especially Umbreon stuff. As for my partner, he’s busy with work and me a lot of the time, so he’ll probably be a rare sighting on this blog!

Now, let’s meet the team shall we?

Neptune, a Primarina and my starter Pokémon! He’s a very loyal companion and loves getting everyone soaked in a stadium even when he’s not using his Z-Move. The best way I’ve ever seen him described is ‘a tank with a tail’ in a review of one of my matches.

Venus, a Sylveon with an axe to grind. He’s a bit of a diva but he’s extremely obedient in battles, so don’t be fooled by his attitude when you see him with me in interviews and such — he’s a sweetheart, he just doesn’t wanna admit it.

Bolt, an Alolan Raichu that is everything one would expect of his species lol. He’s a bit airheaded, one may even say he’s a klutz — but nothing and no one stands a chance against his megawatt smile!

Marian, a Ceruledge that has a strange knightley thing going on. I don't know when it started or what started it, but he's very chivalrous to all those around him, human or Pokémon! A relatively new addition to the team as he joined me while I was doing the Paldean gym circuit.

Bedsheet, a Mimikyu; there is a story behind her name. She made a disguise out of bedsheets and curtains the first night I had her. I was staying in a motel. Thankfully I managed to pay back the damages with all the wins she brought me. If I had to sum her up in a word: cheeky.

Tricky, a Golisopod that put me through the ringer as a Wimpod to catch her. She’s very sweet and loves to hang out by the beach. She’s a bit of a tank like Neptune, but she packs a punch too! She was my trump card for a while there.

Obviously as I’ve implied I have quite a few more buddies than this, but that’s my most frequent lineup as of now. For the rest you’ll just have to keep an eye on my battles. >_0

I think that’s everything! Thank you very much for reading and I look forward to every interaction we may have! :D

OOC INFO:

Hello hello!!! I’m Spooky, but I go by many names on my different blogs (Lovely, Cyril, Cerule, etc.) and likes and follows will come from my main @spookycrownblaze! Just want to knock a couple things out the way b4 I really begin with this blog!

First things first, no NSFW. Lucky and Grusha are adults but Lillie and Gladion are not. It’s not appropriate for this blog, nor am I comfortable with it.

I have no experience with any of the mail systems so I won’t make a call until I’ve had some experiences with them! So, tentatively, I’m accepting all kinds of mail for now.

Lucky is my self insert for the Pokémon world basically KSAKJLD he’s entirely based on my experiences playing the games!!! He wins 99.9% of his battles because all his Pokémon would be lvl100 + max friendship in the games as that is how I roll!!! If I don’t steam roll thru all my battles I am losing /j (oh and also I know nothing about the Pokémon anime so I’m working off game canon the majority of the time)

As you may have gathered by now, part of this blog is an established OC x canon relationship! If you don’t fuck with that, totally cool, please exit stage left. If you do, hey hi hello welcome! Thank you for restoring my faith in humanity a little! I’ve always known fandom to be pretty nasty about it, so it’s really refreshing to know some people are chill about it.

That said, I also work off my own canon, in which SM/USUM happened years ago and Lucky was the player character, except he was in his mid teens (15-16ish) and became a sort of older brother figure to Hau, Lillie and Gladion! It's kind of A Lot but to summarise: they saved Alola and all they got was this dumb shirt (intense PTSD), Lusamine is dead because of the Nihilego thing so Lucky functions as Lillie and Gladion's guardian as well as their older brother, Lucky has an extreme fear of Ultra Beasts and some physical scars from his battles with them but he kept a couple that proved they could behave themselves, being the oldest kid that emerged from the rubble of the Aether Foundation Incident Lucky is a bit of a celebrity for both good and bad reasons and Hau is the current Champion in Alola! He took over for Lucky when he retired a couple years ago and Lucky made him get a manager and assistant immediately after he took the position.

Lucky and Co. (Lillie and Gladion) mostly travel now! Along the way they just so happen to occasionally get roped into the plot of some other games. Lillie and Gladion do most of the talking, Lucky does most of the serious battling and gives any young trainers they meet advice. He also may or may not have beat up a few evil team grunts as opposed to battling them out of frustration.

Obviously don’t feel forced to interact with this blog if you don’t like any of the aspects of it or if you just don’t like the lore I personally work off for my character! I will not be hurt, I will not know — I get why. I am a slut for canon divergence and I love making fun overly powerful OCs with the cruellest nerfs I can think of. In Lucky’s case that’s just my sleep problems and Trauma™ JKDSJGLS

That is all!!! I feel like I yapped a little too much but I want anyone interested to have some context for this blog and its characters even if I feel So So Cringe laying it all out. Might post Lucky’s ref sheet at some point idk. My little eepy champion dude. THANK U FOR READING!!! ENJOY :D

[wintersportism]

Your reaction to this Sturla thing is bizarre. Those are real bullets and they can literally kill people. Do you want a situation similar to what happened with Alec Baldwin a couple of years ago? I guess poor Sturla's feelings are more important than safety.

I think it’s rather bizarre of you to anonymously go into my inbox and make an assumption about my feelings about this situation based on what? Two one-line posts I made because they showed Sturla crying in his interview?

Thank you so much for the reminder that bullets can kill people, I must’ve forgotten. In case you didn’t know (because you were too busy accusing people in their asks), luckily no one got hurt when Sturla made that mistake. They handled everything as well as they could’ve after a mistake like that, turning him in unprompted. Sturla obviously regrets and feels devastated about what happened, and then again, no one got hurt, which is why I felt like focusing on Sturla’s feelings.

Was it dangerous what he did? Yes. Does no one getting hurt make it okay in retrospect? Fuck no, something like that should not be happening to an athlete on this level. But humans make mistakes, so luckily BECAUSE no one got hurt AND they handled it well AND he regrets it deeply I can in good conscience make a damn post about how I’m sad that he’s sad.

It astounds me that you read my posts about Sturla and immediately assume that I’m stupid enough to not think of the consequences his actions could’ve had as if being his fan automatically rules out any kind of critical thinking skills. If it helps you sleep at night, I can assure you I would’ve been slightly less sympathetic had somebody gotten hurt.

But then again, what did you want me to do when he’s so obviously devastated by what he did? Condemn him for it? Cancel him? Stop being his fan? I don’t owe it to anyone to give real commentary about situations like this in my posts. And you assuming that I don’t give a shit about gun safety and fucking killing people is not only insulting but also disgusting.

So trust me, my “bizarre reaction” runs deeper than what you random anonymous coward see in my posts. Just because I don’t share all my thoughts on this godforsaken blog doesn’t mean I don’t have them. Thanks.

[agirlwithbigdreamsforher]

CHAPTER 14

THE NANNY: CHAPTER 14

Pairing: Andy Barber x Annie Johnson (OFC)

Summary: Working and single parenting is not easy. Andy needs to find a nanny for his son Jacob. Annie, an education degree student at Lasell University, comes to their lives just in time for the big changes in Andy’s life.

Warnings: None.

A/N: None.

Disclaimer: I do not give permission for any of my works to be copied, used, translated nor reposted anywhere else but here on this blog. Do not steal what you didn’t work for. Minors and ageless blank blogs don’t interact with me or my works. Reblogs and likes are always welcome. Thank you for reading this work of fiction.

Word count: 2596

GIF not mine, if its yours, please let me know to give you credit :)  

                                   ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

“Hey guys!” Annie said when she saw her friends in the screen of her laptop. “How is Mexico Mark?”

“Amazing! It would be better if you were here.”

“You’re such a liar!” Sharon said “You don’t miss us, I’m sure Steve is keeping busy,” She wiggled her eyebrows

“Oh, he is! Trust me! Keeping me full all night.”

“Alright, I love you, but I really don’t wanna know about your sex life.” Annie said and everyone laughed.

“Talking about sex life, how are things with Andy?” Mark asked.

“There is nothing going on with him.”

“Liar! Tell us everything.” Sharon said.

“There is nothing to tell you guys. I mean, yes we live together, but you know nothing has ever happened. We have seen each other in our underwear and…”

“Wow! What??? When did that happened and why didn’t we know about it?!” Sharon commented.

“The day after I moved, he forgot I was here and he showed up in the kitchen only in his boxers.”

“Please tell me he looks as yummy as I think he does without clothes on.” Mark said.

“He does” Annie giggled “and, he has tattoos on his chest.” There was a pause “Oh! And he saw one of my thongs!”

“Alright!” Sharon said, “Next time you should inform us of all of that, is not very friend of you to hide those things!”

“Ok, ok. There have been a couple of times that I’ve thought he would kissed me, but then he doesn’t, or when we watch TV he takes my hand, I’ve noticed he looks at me and then he looks away, nothing too serious.”

“Oh darling, it is serious. Maybe he is just shy.” Sharon said.

“Shy? Come on! Is very obvious he likes it rough in the bedroom!” Mark interfered “Perhaps he doesn’t know what to do, maybe he wants to give you some space due to what happen to you. Give him a push, if you really think he wants to kiss you then kiss him! You have nothing to lose.”

“Ammm yeah! If something goes wrong I can lose my job.”

“But if everything goes right, you’ll gain a hot successful daddy.” Sharon said.

“Why is everyone so interested in my love life? No one is asking Sharon if she is dating someone!”

“Ok, first of all, cuz we actually think Andy likes you and you deserve to be happy after what happened with Daniel and second, if you must know, I met someone on Tinder…”

“You should be careful with that.” Annie said.

“Yes, mom.” Sharon answered sarcastically. “As I was saying, he seems nice, we haven’t go out yet, but we plan to do it.”

“I agree with Annie, you should be careful. I have to go now. Keep me posted on what happens with you two. Love you.” Mark disconnected from the call.

“He seems happy.”

“Yeah, I’m glad he is happy.”

“So how is Andy?”

“Are we going on with that?”

“No, no. I ask because of the case he is working on, I saw him on TV.”

It was a Thursday and it’s been three weeks now since Annie moved in with the Barbers. Andy was loaded with work, a murder case under his wing. The media was covering the whole thing, everyone in Massachusetts knew who Andy Barber was now, the promising young ADA who was trying to put “The death angel”, as the media named him, behind bars.

“He is tired. He doesn’t say it but I notice, he hasn’t eat or sleep well in days. His birthday was last week and we couldn’t even celebrate it, we bought him a cake and sang happy birthday to him, but that was pretty much it, it was very sad to be honest.”

“Poor Andy, and how is Jake?”

“He is good, he is now next door playing with the neighbor. Andy hides what he is working on at the moment, which is good. Neither Jake nor I are allowed to go into his office, and trust me right at this moment I really don’t want to see what he has there.”

“I believe you. In another topic, I was thinking maybe we should go out tomorrow night, girl’s night, nothing too crazy, how about dinner?”

“Sure! I’ll see you at 6 at your place.”

“Perfect! See you tomorrow.”

Annie closed her laptop and went to the living room, turned the TV on and sat down. The news were on, showing the affected families with Andy behind them. Everyone were fighting over to have an interview with him, he had won the case. A life sentence for the man who murder those 5 poor young girls. Annie kept looking at him answering every question asked by the reporters, he looked exhausted, the bags under his eyes, his hallow cheeks, he was in a poorly state. She turned the TV off and went to the kitchen to start making lunch.

It probably had passed half an hour, Annie was making a turkey sandwich for lunch, when her phone went off, an unknown number in the screen, but she picked up anyways.

“Hello?”

“Hello gorgeous, how are you?” A man with, what she assumed, was his sexy voice answered on the other side.

“I’m good, who is this?”

“Oh! You don’t remember me! That’s bad cuz I certainly remember you.”

“Look if you have nothing better to do, bother somebody else with this type of calls ok?” Annie heard how the man struggle with someone else on the other side of the phone.

“That’s mine! Gimme my phone back!” the man yelled.

“Hey! Is this Annie?” another manly voice sounded.

“Yes, and you are?”

“Forgive my partner, he actually thinks is funny and sexy, I’m Anthony, Andy’s friend.”

“Oh! His poker friends! You’re detective Mackie right?”

“Yes, ma’am, look we were wondering if you are busy, we need you to come and pick Andy to the courthouse.”

“Why? What happened?”

“Ammm well, he is kind of catatonic, he is just in his office staring at a blank point in the wall and he is not talking.”

“I’m on my way.”

Annie grabbed her wallet and the car keys, she went to the neighbor’s house to tell Mrs. López she will be out for a while. She drove all the way to the courthouse, the police at the entrance asked her why she was there, made her go through a metal detector, gave her a pass and let her through and told her which way to go to find Andy’s office. She walked all the way there, until she saw the familiar face of a woman.

“Hi! I know you, I’m…”

“Andy’s “wife”. Stacy answered dryly, and the air quotes made Annie lift her eyebrow “What you want?”

“I’m here to pick him up.”

“Weird, he never said you were coming, and as far as I know he said he didn’t want to be disturbed.”

“Listen,” Annie said with no patience, “I am his wife, and I have every right to be here and go to his office!”

“No, you’re not.” Stacy answered back.

“Hey! You made it.” Anthony and Seb approach to Annie. “Come with us”.

“You can’t go in there!” Anthony, Seb and Annie ignored her “I don’t care if she is his wife or not, you can’t do that.”

Anthony and Seb looked at each other, and turned to Annie.

“What is she talking about?” Seb asked.

“Ammm long story short, one day that girl was flirting with Andy and he told her I was his wife to get her off his back.”

“Can’t blame him, she is quite noisy and annoying.”

Andy’s office was closed, the drapes were closed as well. They knock and receive no answer. Annie opened the door slowly, Andy was sitting on his chair, head down, and tie loose around his neck, his jacket hanging on the back of the chair. Neither of them dare to move, and then Seb pushed Annie inside.

“Hey!”

“Go on, we have tried everything.” Anthony said.

“Well, not everything. You didn’t want to use my plan of throwing water at him.” Seb interfered.

Annie kept looking at them, she could tell that Seb was the child of the pair. Annie turned and walked towards Andy who was still in the same spot. She kneeled next to his chair, her hand went to touch his cheek to make him look at her.

“Andy?” no answer “Baby…” Andy groaned when he listened the loving word. “Hey! Look at me.” Andy lifted his gaze to meet her eyes. His eyes were red and glossy, Annie had never seen him like this.

“I won.” Andy’s voice was barely a whisper.

“I know, I saw. I’m so proud of you!”

“Everyone is saying that.”

“But I mean it” She giggled “Come on, let’s get you home, so you can rest.”

“I’m exhausted.”

“I know, that’s why I’m here. Can you stand?” Andy nodded and did as he was told, Annie hold him by the waist as Andy put her arm around her shoulders. Anthony and Seb walked in to take Andy’s things and followed them out of the office to Annie’s car.

“Thank you for coming.” Anthony said while helping Andy to get in the car.

“Thank you for calling. He needs to sleep, he worked so hard on this.”

They said good bye and Annie drove back home. They walked to the door, Annie helped him with his stuff, and opened the door for him.

“Come on, big guy. You need a shower, food and rest.”

“I’m not hungry.”

“We’ll start with the shower then. Let’s go.”

Once in the room, Annie turned the shower on, the steam of the hot water filling the bathroom. She then came back to help Andy with his clothes until he was only in his boxers.

“Can you go from here?” Andy nodded at her question “Good, be right back. I’m making you a sandwich.”

Andy walked into the bathroom, took off his underwear and stepped in the shower. The hot water relaxing his muscles, the pressure he had been feeling for the past weeks was vanishing right at this moment. He took a deep breath, and started to wash his hair and body. After 15 minutes he came out, the bed looked incredible comfortable, or so he thought. He put a white shirt and some sweats, dried his hair as much as he could and went under the covers. His eyes felt heavy, the mattress felt like a marshmallow and his duvet was soft like a cloud. Annie walked in carrying a tray with two plates and two glasses with orange juice, Andy was dozing off with his back against the head board.

“Andy?” He opened his eyes, a sleepy smile on his lips “I brought you something to eat.”

“’M tired” He yawned “Later.”

“Ok” she smiled and put the tray on the vanity “Lay down. Jake is with the neighbors, he won’t wake you up.” she gave him a small kiss on his forehead. “I see you when you wake up.”

“Lay down with me, please.” At this point Andy was half asleep. Annie nodded, took off her shoes, and laid under the cover next to him. Her hand caressed his face and that’s all it took for Andy to fall in a deep sleep. No longer after Annie fell asleep too.

When Andy opened his yes, he was on his back, looking at the ceiling. He wasn’t sure how long he slept, but he felt better than before, rested at least. A warm feeling on his chest made him looked down, Annie’s hand was resting there, her hair all over the pillow; he took her hand and turned to see her. She looked so at peace, her eyelids were moving.

“What are you dreaming of?” Andy whispered and Annie mumbled in her sleep which cause Andy to giggle, making Annie to wake up. Her eyes fluttered open to find Andy staring at her.

“You talk in your sleep.” Andy said “it’s cute.” Annie groaned and covered her face “Is true, it is cute.”

“Did you rest?” Annie said moving her hands out of her face.

“Yes, thank you for picking me up. I just couldn’t drive.”

“Care to tell me what was going on in that head of yours?” Andy sighed.

“I think it was everything. The case, the evidence, the families, they counted on me, and for a moment while I was speaking to the jury I thought I’d lost. And all I could think of was what was I going to say to the parents of those girls.”

“But you did everything you could, and you succeeded! I saw how much time and effort you put into this, the sleepless nights…”

“You notice I wasn’t sleeping?”

“Your footsteps are heavy when you are tired, so you made noise walking down the stairs every night. I sneaked behind you a few times” She confessed “I saw you looking at the pictures you had in your office. Were they bad?”

“They were pictures of the murder scenes. So yes, they were bad. Every time I went to bed I kept seen those poor innocent girls, one of them looked so much like you. And just the thought of anyone hurting you, I just can’t…” his voice broke and his eyes filled with tears.

“Shhhh, I’m right here. Not going anywhere. Not any time soon at least.” Her hand went to the nape of his head caressing him gently.

“Did you mean what you said in my office? Are you proud of me?”

Annie smiled and gave him a peck on the lips; Andy was shook until a wide smile was on his face.

“Of course is true! I like you Andy. And I’m not saying it because you’re my boss. Actually I shouldn’t be saying it because of the same reason, but I do. I don’t know if you like me back, Jake says you do, god I’m trusting in what a 3 year old says and…”

Andy crashed his lips against her to shush her down, they smiled to each other and then kissed again, this time slower. Their lips touched each other, gently first, taking the time to explore every part of their lips and their mouths. Their tongues massaging one another and then they stopped. Andy took a deep breath.

“So you like me, like me?” Annie said all fluster after the kiss they shared.

“Yes!” Andy Laughed “I like you, like you.”

“Good, cuz I like you.”

“You already said that, but is good to know is true.”

“So,” Annie said touching his nose with hers “What now?”

“Wanna go out on a date with me?” Annie nodded eagerly at the question, and Andy kissed her back.

“Are you gonna be kissing me from now on?”

“Every fucking time I have the chance.” Annie Laughed “So, how about tomorrow?”

“Shit! I can’t, I promise Sharon we will have a girls’ night. But I’m free on Saturday, I just have to let my boss know I’m gonna be out for the night.”

“I’m sure he’ll say there won’t be a problem.”

Andy leaned in to kiss her again and then his stomach growled, making Annie laughed. She stood up and brought the tray to bed.

“I was planning to have lunch with you earlier. I can chance the juice for a beer.”

“This is fine.” Andy took his sandwich “Thank you, honey.” He kissed her cheek and bit his sandwich.

[enter-the-phantom]

Enter Writes A Blog - Oct 4, 2023

In Which I Get A New Job (Sort Of) and Meet the Dance Commander; Nearly Die of Queer Joy

A few life updates bc I’ve just been too tired to post regularly recently! Gonna start doing these since I’ve always admired people who keep little journals. Enjoy.

I got a new seasonal job a few weeks ago at a local theatre and costume shop, which sounds like it would be perfect for me but is…definitely not. The pay is abysmal, it’s $9 an hour with no benefits, and the job itself is so mind-numbingly monotonous that I’m actually depressed. There’s a lot going on and I don’t think I’m going to make it—I need a challenge and I can’t shut my brain off for eight hours a day with nothing to do. Not being able to think creatively and solve puzzles is really messing with my head. Plus the hours are really bad for me, getting up that early and getting home in the evening is really draining for someone with my circadian rhythm. It’s just not for me. As bad as I feel about it (bc I do like my coworkers!), I’m going to quit sometime in the coming weeks and focus on building up my Etsy and working on my art offerings. It won’t make money but it also won’t make me so depressed I can do nothing but sleep on my days off. I just can’t handle traditional work, it’s not good for my brain and my mental health and it’s affecting me physically too. I can’t risk another colitis scare and the stress just isn’t worth it.

On to better news that, if you know me, is gonna have you jumping for me bc everyone I’ve told is freaked.

If you know me you know by now that Electric Six is my soul band and means the world to me. You know what I’ve been through and how happy they make me. Finally got to see them in person on Friday night and it was a spiritual experience. I ended up not only against the stage, but the closest one to The Man himself. Nearly got hit with the mic stand boner multiple times. Eye contact happened. Moments happened. They were magical. He is magical. As I said to @mosshugs, there is truly nothing like the joy an aroace person feels for their squish. It’s the purest form of love there is and my god, do I love that man. Multiply it with the love a performer has for their muse and I’ve been emotional all week.

Every E6 experience I’ve ever had involved lovely strangers who became friends and this was no exception. We just all come together to watch a bunch of goofy guys play goofy songs and do goofy dances together. Met the most lovely family of Crazies with daughters me and my sister’s age, we hung out with them all night, kept an eye on each other and just in general had a great time making new friends! My new local friend is super sweet and we have a lot in common, so that’s really neat! Hoping to talk to her more if I don’t get super nervous about it bc she’s really cool. Also she was providing the strongest moral support when she saw just how close I was to Dick Valentine. Mad props for recognising I was having several moments. When he knelt down on that speaker and started rambling about Lyme Disease she had my back quite literally. Such a real one. Also sent me all her photos and vids bc I was too busy ascending to even remember my phone.

But my god, do I love the Crazies. Herb S Flavorings (who was a treat as always to watch) flicked us a pick, missed, it hit someone else and dropped to the floor. Everyone immediately stepped back and helped find it. Setlist got passed down to me by not one but two other people who saw just how much this concert meant to me and thought I should have it I guess? Also met up with some guys from the Facebook group as I was leaving who wanted to meet “the E6 artist” and demanded to know if I got the prints delivered—I love this dumb little fandom. Also The Flashy Jacket™ was a hit!

And of course the part ya’ll we’re waiting for—I got to meet my hero, Dick Valentine himself. Spotted him coming down from the green room to get his customary post-show amaretto sour and I asked if we could talk when he had a minute (mostly just wanted to deliver the art prints) and he was so immediately friendly and approachable. He had a few people coming up to say hi, and what really struck me was how careful he was to make sure I knew he hadn’t forgotten I wanted to talk to him. I’m sure he had no idea how much that truly meant to me—it’s such a little thing, just to have someone give you a reassuring look that you haven’t been forgotten or ignored and they’re going to make time—but for some people they never get that and it truly means the world. To get it from someone who does not know me, but who has gotten me through so much, was really incredible. I started tearing up and apologising for being emotional and he was so reassuring, reiterating that it had been a long night and it was okay to be emotional and he was glad he and his silly little band had done so much for me. Art was delivered, he loved it—and apparently John (and Da Ve??? I’m in on a secret I guess) are going to be back for the Detroit show or at least there, so he promised to deliver them then. My extra print of his was signed, and so was my setlist! Also I got a hug and some very cute photos. Just truly the sweetest, most down-to-earth gem of a man with the most shockingly calming presence. We all knew he was pretty special, all the guys are, but in person he’s really something else. Thank you again, Dick/Tyler (bc we love the persona but the man himself is just a good guy) and if you ever see this, I promise I’m not crazy and I’m not attempting to clone you in my basement—you just genuinely are my hero. Please don’t push yourself too hard on this tour; we all love you and want you to take care of yourself. ❤️

Anyway. If you read the end of this welcome back to our regularly scheduled nonsense on this blog. I’ll be doing a lot of social media stuff once I quit my job so I can get serious about building up my platforms and working on art and design stuff, so stay on the lookout for that! LOTS of art coming soon. Selfship and fandom friends, I have some amazing new stuff coming out, including some cool commission options you’ve never seen before. Also going to attempt this TikTok thing I guess.

Glad to be back and I missed you all! I hope my mental health will be better once I can focus on working creatively, the way I need to. Love you all! ❤️

[isabelasfriendfiction]

A Case of the Chills

Not me posting writing for the first time in 4 years?! I'd like to introduce you to some of the characters from my primary D&D campaign over the last few years. Finch is my tiefling arcane trickster rogue, Donahue is @brick-brooke's half-elf hexblade warlock, and Opal is another friend's dragonborn twilight cleric. More info on these characters can always be found on my main blog, @alistairweekend. The AO3 version of this includes art by Opal's player!

{ao3 link}

Finch was actually disappointed when her watch ended and she had to leave the soft warmth of the fire. After decades of living in a temperature-controlled palace and then several months in the tropical city of Kovali, adjusting to the temperate forest the Society for the Preservation of Fill found themselves in was proving a far larger problem than anticipated. Frankly, the situation baffled Finch. It wasn’t as if her clothing lacked, or there weren’t enough blankets, and by all accounts she ran warmer than most. Something about this forest just gave her the chills... literally.

As she exited the campfire’s embrace, Cricket landed on Finch’s shoulder and snuggled into the crook of her neck. “You cold too, buddy?” she murmured, reaching up to scratch the little faerie dragon’s head. Maybe she’d ask everyone in the morning how they were feeling.

She ducked into her tent and, taking care to avoid the two lumps that were Donahue and Opal, swiftly burrowed into the blankets of her spot in the middle. Cold. Of course. She gritted her teeth to try and prevent herself from shivering, holding on to the fact that the blankets should trap her body heat soon.

Minutes passed. And passed. Finch shifted, hoping finding a comfortable position would solve the issue, but she remained conscious. It was still just cold enough to be uncomfortable. Frustration bubbled in her chest.

At one point Finch heard rustling blankets as if in response to her movement. She stilled herself. “Donahue?” she whispered. “You up?”

No response. Finch let out an audible exhale through her nose. Then Cricket’s head poked out of the blankets, and he wriggled out to nimbly flit to the person on Finch’s left, an action rewarded with a grunt.

Finch rolled on to her side to face towards Donahue, who was nothing more than a mound of blankets with a faery dragon on top, nipping at the strands of blue hair sticking out. “So you are awake.”

“Maybe so,” he grumbled. “I’d like to not be, though.”

“Did I wake you up?”

He seemed to think about it. “...Yes.”

“Liar!” Finch hissed, propping herself up on an elbow and using her other arm to smack the blanket lump with her pillow. She immediately regretted the frigid air allowed to touch her skin at doing so, however, and gasped. “Gods, it’s fucking freezing. Are you cold?”

It was barely audible, but Finch made out a sigh from Donahue. “Yeah.” A moment passed, then he shifted to finally reveal his head. Cricket quietly trilled in delight and wasted no time in squeezing under the blankets, poking his head out right underneath Donahue’s chin. Donahue paid no mind and raised an eyebrow. “Wait, you’re cold?”

Finch pouted. “I know. I don’t know what’s going on, but I’m starting to think it isn’t natural. It’s why I’m still up.”

Donahue’s demeanor seemed to sharpen into something more serious. “When was the last time you actually slept?”

“Technically, I don’t ‘sleep,’” Finch said, gesturing at her long elven ears.

Donahue scoffed and rolled his eyes. “Two can play at that. Neither do I.” He also waved a hand at his own tapered ears. “You know what I mean.”

Finch poked her tongue out at him but relented. “I was able to rest last night.”

“Ah. Lucky.”

“Oh? When did you last sleep?”

“Mind your own business.”

“Really? You’re gonna ask me and then say it’s none of my business to ask you the same thing, bitch?”

Donahue looked like he wanted to retort again, but his body betrayed him by making yawn, which he tried to stifle. “Ugh, fine. Two days ago.” Now that he said it, Finch did notice the dark circles under his eyes, even in the limited lighting. And he had seemed more tired than usual during the day, which was saying something.

“This is bad.” Finch put a hand to her face. “Especially if the others aren’t sleeping either. Though Opal seems fine...” She glanced to the right at their dragonborn companion, much more sprawled out than either of the blanket cocoons Finch and Donahue had made.

“Well, she’s a white dragonborn,” Donahue reasoned, “So she probably has way more resilience to cold than anyone else...”

“Mmmwha?” Opal suddenly mumbled drowsily, causing both Finch and Donahue to go wide-eyed and tense. Just as Finch was ready to believe she’d gone back to sleep, she spoke again, somewhat slurred: “You guys talkin’?”

“Sorry, Opal,” Donahue said, slightly above a whisper this time. “Go back to sleep. We’ll try to be quieter.”

Opal raised her head and rubbed her eyes, blinking a few times at them. The blonde fur tufts along her head and neck stuck out at wild angles. “You both aren’t sleeping?”

“Too cold,” Finch explained.

“That’s no good.” Opal’s brow furrowed as though thinking hard, though she was clearly still three-quarters asleep. “All right, everybody c’mere.”

Opal leaned forward, and suddenly blankets were being shifted and rearranged to the sounds of Finch and Donahue’s confusion and protest. When she was finished, all three of them were under the same pile of bedding. Finch found herself sandwiched between Opal and Donahue, not quite touching but still much closer than before, and she felt her face heat up. “I-Is this really necessary?”

“Warmer now, right?” Opal sounded entirely too pleased with herself. She stretched her neck out, which was just long enough to position her head right above Donahue’s. Cricket seemed thrilled by the new arrangement, settling in between Finch and Donahue’s shoulders.

Donahue had been incredibly tense, but slowly relaxed, if only a little. “Whatever. If it’ll help us sleep...”

“This is so embarrassing,” Finch groaned. “Nobody learns about this, got it?”

Donahue sighed and nodded, but Finch had more been asking Opal. Judging from the lack of response and steady breathing, however, she had already fallen back asleep. How did she do that so quickly?

Now Finch found herself worried about not sleeping for an entirely different reason. She had never shared a bed with anyone before, and was entirely too aware of both of her companions’ presences. She became acutely aware of the fact that any shifting she did could disturb them. But as the minutes ticked by, Opal was, to Finch’s chagrin, proven correct as the remaining chill faded away and her eyes fluttered shut.

[jodilin65]

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 29, 2016 They said our glasses should be ready today, so hopefully we can pick them up tomorrow because I still can’t stand progressives and I can’t get used to them either.

I have been feeling much better lately. No earaches or heartburn. Minimal fatigue and lightheadedness too, though these two symptoms are a bit more noticeable today.

This could be the last summery day I get to enjoy. The temperature is about to drop like a rock and this weekend we might even get our first rain in many months.

This weekend we’re going to make a point of not doing much because he really needs to catch up on his sleep. This should be the last week of the intense OT. So besides grocery shopping, a little bit of yard work, and changing the rats’ cage, not much else will be going on.

He cracked me up earlier. I have a necklace holder that’s a round disk with hooks that sit on a pole. With empty space in the middle, I placed a doll there that’s dressed a bit suggestively. He joked about her being a “pole dancer.” It was so funny because while the guy is the smartest person I’ve ever met and the most honest and responsible, he’s always been on the quiet side and with a dry sense of humor much like Stacey is. I guess I’m just attracted to that type. :-) Calm, intelligent, real, mature, tolerant, dependable, drug and alcohol-free.

So his jokes are even more special because he doesn’t always make them in the way that I do, and oh, how I miss Stacey so much even though it hasn’t even been two months. Just like Tom, she’s pretty much my opposite, but that’s what I like about her. There’s enough common ground to relate to, but enough differences to keep things interesting and balance each other out.

I’m just kind of surprised. Tom is really the only one with these qualities that I’ve ever attracted. An individual like me just doesn’t expect a prominent psychologist to like her. Especially one that treated me. I still believe – or at least I hope – that she is somehow in my future. A part-time friendship would be just fine with me.

I haven’t been updating every day like I used to due to being very busy and not really having much to update. Sometimes I think I have more dreams to update than real life, LOL.

I don’t know why I would be seeing Doc O, but last night I dreamed that I went to see her and she was friendlier than I’d ever known her to be in real life. I also don’t know why I was sitting on the exam table and asking her about some “white residue” on the soles of my feet, but dreams are just weird like that.

She started off by asking how I was. I said I was almost there, but was curious about what was on my feet. Then she told me she loves reading my blog.

Then the spider nightmare just had to wake me up. Tom and I spotted a spider that was huge and it had a tail too, that zigzagged around its body.

Then I dreamed that I was in the Twenties’ house, only it was square instead of rectangular, and there were bedrooms on three corners of the house.

Jon was in the kitchen while I was standing in his living room. His laptop was open and I could see a romantic Valentine's card he posted to his wife’s Facebook wall. I felt a split-second tinge of jealousy, knowing that I would never receive such a card from Tom via email. He was calling her Samantha, though, instead of Carolyn.

She suddenly appeared and they were both talking about going shopping and acting as if I wasn’t there. Just as they were about to leave without seeing me out first, I said, “I’ll turn the light off.” I then followed them out of the house.

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 28, 2016 Last night I dreamed Andy died of some infection. Lucky for him I haven’t been very psychic lately, though it could still mean he’s in for some shit of some kind. Just nothing deadly.

I also dreamed about Tom and I hanging out in this huge truck. It was like a semi. He moved a couch toward the middle of it and I thought that was a good place for it because it would “balance” the truck better there.

Aly is still claiming that her Wi-Fi is out. Like I said, I had my suspicions the first time around when I contacted her and she went quiet for several days, but now she’s rather obvious after contacting her a second time. That’s okay. Two can play this game. I tweeted on the account I contacted her from about being really busy and that it may take me a while to get back to anybody who’s looking for me there.

She tweeted twice yesterday by saying that it was day 2 with no Wi-Fi. Yet she was able to tweet that and how she’ll get to tweets and messages as soon as she can?

I have been blessed with two good days so far… no earaches, and just mild dizziness and fatigue.

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 27, 2016 Although being on days is noisier, I definitely feel better emotionally when on days. Today’s been amazing, but sadly I know these days are scarce. I’ve had NO earaches, just mild dizzies and a little fatigue.

Aly tweeted that she cried herself to sleep yesterday and that her Wi-Fi was out. Coincidently or not, this happens after a moment of weakness where I shared my empathy with her on her depression. So maybe I was wrong about the karma thing? Either way, while I know I shouldn’t give a damn about her any more than I give a damn about a grain of dirt, I couldn’t help but feel bad for her. Anxiety may be worse, but depression is plenty bad enough.

Then she goes and tweets something that makes absolutely no sense, and also says that she’ll get to tweets and DM’s later. Then I start to wonder if she’s mindfucking me. Pretty sure she’s keeping in touch more often with Kim on other sites anyway, so I just wonder if she’s using the Wi-Fi as an excuse to make me wait and I wonder if she’s going to reply or not, but I know she isn’t going to. Damn. Six months after getting dumped and I still think of her, look in on her, and contact her. It’s getting less often, but really, why can I just file her away in the past like I need to?

Tom decided he missed us having an “allowance,” so we’re each going to spend $25 if we want to every time we order bedding for the rats. That’s every other week or so, but it may be longer because we plan to downsize Cappy. The wooly bastard doesn’t need such a big cage. He’s going in a smaller cage that we got in Oregon.

Anyway, when we order I am going to get a pair of knee-high brown boots. I have short black boots, so this will add a little variety. Plus I’m going to get a long-sleeved dress. Dresses in the winter haven’t been very practical for me because I only have sandals and sneakers. My purple sparkly shoes don’t go with everything, and the inner soles are fucked up anyway. I picked out a simple cotton dress in Wineberry.

Today I received my snake necklace and it’s beautiful. I also love how they gave me an extra gold choker chain.

I got batteries to light up and make my fish swim in the lamp aquarium, too. It’s not overly realistic, but it’s nice. I’m sure it’ll be better at night, though.

The Twenties returned yesterday, and no one’s been next door all morning.

I wish it were November already so we could get on with the elections. So sick of hearing about Trump and Hillary everywhere I go! It’s almost as if most people have forgotten that there’s more to life than just politics.

Tammy emailed me to let me know she’s recovering and doing better, so that was good to know.

Chatted with Joe the mailman. When it came up that I once lived in Arizona he asked if I knew if there was anything going on down there right now that makes it hard for people to breathe.

Not that I know of, I told him.

He said his nephew visited from Colorado and went home coughing up blood. He then went to the emergency room and they had to admit him because he had a really bad case of pneumonia.

Well, I don’t know if there’s a connection or not but I do know that when Andy visited a few years ago he had breathing issues. I had problems with tightness when I lived there, even long after I quit smoking and stopped wheezing.

And yet another house is up for sale here. It’s about three houses down, heading toward the freeway.

I have been on a major writing frenzy on top of all the other things I do, so I have definitely been keeping busy. In two days I’ve written 5000 words! Story’s about 35K words now.

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 26, 2016 Just finished some cleaning and next, I will get focused on my story. I didn’t work on it over the weekend.

Quick health update. No earaches today or yesterday, but I have been dizzy. Really can’t say for sure if the dizziness is connected to my ear or not. The only other annoyances – anything is better than anxiety – is heartburn and I’ve had occasional lung tightness. I think the lungs are mostly due to the fact that we have too many rats right now. I really shouldn’t have any more than two at a time.

I was thinking about how all my life no one’s been made to pay for wronging me and how karma seems to forget them. Based on most of Alison’s tweets, I’d say she’s a classic example of how the karma rule doesn’t apply to you if it’s me you screw over, be it in a big way or a small way. I know she’s had some pretty shitty days, but I’d say that for the most part, she’s doing great lately. Really wonder if the leukemia was made up, Along with the FBI, but I’ll probably never know for sure.

I get her claims of me being overly critical, but even though she does seem happy (unless it’s just a show for me and she’s deliberately hiding her misery), I don’t see how I was responsible for bringing her down like she said I did. If I brought her down then it was with my honesty and this goes to prove once again that she only likes an honest person when they tell her what they want to hear.

My main blog received a direct hit from Napa Valley, which is between here and San Francisco. I know that I can have a local viewer as far down as Salinas, assuming it’s not a proxy because Tom showed up as being there when he checked me out one time from work. Knowing this, it always makes me wonder if it’s somebody I know. The closer the viewer, the more I wonder. Wonder if Stacey will ever get curious enough to check out my blog. I’m careful what I say in it, especially about her.

I also wonder about the Corpus Christi view I just got, also a direct hit, near a state living center. Molly? I still can’t believe she would either be kept offline this long or lose interest in me. She would have to finally lose interest in Aly in order to lose interest in me, and that seems unlikely. She should know that we’re no longer friends, and therefore I may no longer be of interest or her. She only followed me to see what I might say about Alison.

Back to the main point… God would bless someone who dumped me and hurt me emotionally with good fortune if there is one.

The Twenties haven’t returned yet, but I guess that when you’re retired, you don’t need to stick to a schedule. Alexa’s blasting one of my playlists and I STILL hear Bob’s blower. :(

Found Stacey’s kid, Noah, on Twitter. As suspected, the kid’s in his late teens – early 20s. Makes sense that she had him later in life with all the moving and studying she did. Can’t figure out if she’s from Maryland or Texas, but am pretty sure this isn’t her native state.

Anyway, the kid’s a cross between dumbfuck and asshole just based on the two tweets I saw of his that were posted in 2012. He’s dumb enough to leave his cell number and name his high school, then brags about being bored as fuck in the computer lab and trolling other kids with his “brother,” which I realized isn’t a relative. I thought only blacks called each other brother/homie, but apparently not. He was looking for people to hang with, and “later mofos.”

So typical high school immaturity.

Can’t get my fucking earbuds to work. If I knew they’d be hit or miss to use I never would’ve bothered. I’ll have to drown Bob’s blower out with the sound machine instead. I can’t believe how fucking long it takes him to do his tiny little lot. Is it fun or something?

Last night I dreamed of attending a Valleyhead reunion, nothing I’d ever go cross-country for. I’d attend only if it were local and I could meet with those that were there when I was there.

I saw Becky there and a girl called Jojo. I wasn’t close to Jojo as I was with Becky, but we all chatted happily. Someone asked about the weather here and was surprised when I told them we can go 4-5 months without rain.

I’m now charging the earbuds. Hopefully, that’s all they need.

So I wonder who’s going to be president, Trump or Hillary. My first thought is Hillary because most people adore blacks and Trump hates blacks. In fact, he hates everybody. I have nothing against gays and women, but this guy hates them as well as blacks and Muslims. Because of this hatred, I lean towards Hillary. However, I’m just as quick to guess it will be Trump because of the way our society favors males.

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 25, 2016 Going to the store soon. Yesterday my ear ached like crazy and I was dizzy. Dizzy today too, but no ear pain yet. I oiled it today and yesterday and took a Benadryl before bed yesterday. Not sure if the dizzies are connected to my ear or not, but I still think I’m having more issues with the inner ear tube draining fluid. Whenever I feel drainage in the back of my throat, it feels better.

Dizzy, fatigued, in pain… I’m just sick of this shit! At least I don’t feel my erratic periods. I had a couple of days of spotting, a couple of days of a heavier flow, then nothing yesterday. Today I’ve spotted, though.

So how long has my dentist been following me on Pinterest? Is it even her? Well, her profile pic doesn’t look anything like her, but maybe it’s her daughter. Some of the boards seem like things I would think she’d be interested in, but some don’t. There’s nothing Hawaiian-related and she loves Hawaii as much as I do.

I don’t know her middle name, but when I checked, I did find someone with her name in Folsom. There’s also someone with her name but no middle initial here in Citrus Heights.

Got a kiddy Sonicare toothbrush and it’s the best electric one I’ve had as of yet. It’s great for small hands and sits in a charger. This way I don’t have to keep changing batteries. I love the way it beeps every 30 seconds, signaling that it’s time to move to the next quadrant. After two minutes it turns itself off.

Later…

Went to Walgreens and Walmart. At Walgreens, I got this really cool “fish aquarium” I can’t use yet. That’s because I didn’t know it took six C batteries, and we only have one. It’s supposed to look like live fish swimming in a mini aquarium.

I also got 4 new wax fragrances… Indigo Nights, Midnight Garden, Sea Grass, and Day’s End.

At Walmart, I got a small bottle of White Diamonds perfume and smaller-size boy short undies. Yeah, I don’t know why my booty’s shrunk, but 6-7 seems to fit it best these days.

Before shopping, we stopped for gas and went through a car wash. The car really needed it, too. The car sits still as the brushes move over it and you’d swear you were the one moving at times.

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 23, 2016 Oh, yes, yes, yes, YES!!! When I was out on a late-night walk I saw that the house on the opposite corner was up for sale. This is awesome! This is the one where the contractor would sometimes saw and hammer shit in his garage ALL day long. I recently saw a huge U-Haul over there and was hoping it meant they were moving, but I had my doubts because they seemed too young for downsizing or nursing homes.

I never did complain on them, as close as I was to doing so because I knew it wouldn’t do me any good. It’s all considered daytime noise, and while you can’t leave dogs outdoors round the clock here, there are no special rules about noise here any more than there is elsewhere. However, my guess is that they got complained on for the daily racket they used to make and that I actually haven’t heard in many months by the house next to them. No matter where you live, that’s got to be a bit much for just about anyone to listen to as often as it used to go on. So I suspect that the house with the kids started to move because they were fed up with it so close to their place, complained, got them to shut up, decided to stay here, but then the contractor decided it was time to return to the mainstream where noise like that is more tolerated. Hopefully, whoever moves in there won’t use the garage for the same reasons. That’s a BIG house, too. I’m guessing three or four bedrooms.

That’s the good news. The bad news (besides the fact that the earaches, dizzies and heartburn are back) is that there are signs all over the park for Oktoberfest and the live band they plan to have. First time I’ve seen signs around the park for an event. If that live band isn’t indoors you bet I’m going to complain on that one for sure! We came here to escape other people’s music (among other things), not to have to listen to the thumping of base in here for several hours, regardless of how seldom it may be. I don’t make others listen to my music and their music shouldn’t be forced on me either. I think that by allowing this shit it only helps pave the way for loud car stereos to end up in here like crazy. It isn’t that they currently have any rules banning them, but I think that allowing live bands would only encourage people to blast car stereos more often.

Just took my daily ibuprofen as my ear is at its worst ever. I also had an earache which called for them when I got up to pee. Really think I might need my head x-rayed or something. I hate to add yet more appointments to the calendar, but this is ridiculous. Really don’t think this is just damaged nerves. It wouldn’t have taken a decade to affect me if that was the case. Something ain’t kosher.

Walked for 18 minutes and felt fine afterward.

Had a couple of Aly dreams. In one of them, I convinced her to take me to work with her, hoping we could patch things up this way, but hanging out with her at work really meant waiting for her in her car, LOL.

She waved to a couple of people who were outside their homes along the way, and I thought wow, she really knows a lot of people around here.

Then it hit me that we were on opposite schedules and it was to be too hot to be sitting in a car all day. I begged her to turn around and take me back, apologizing profusely for not thinking ahead.

Sure enough, she was pissed and she did a screeching U-turn to bring me back.

Then in another dream, we were happily hugging each other, glad to have made up and decided to be friends again. I was practically in tears of joy, but you know what? She threw me away like yesterday’s trash in reality and I’m not “trash” that can be recycled. Not if I’m smart I won’t be. Even if we were suddenly friends again, I couldn’t trust her or believe everything she told me. I would also just worry that she was going to dump me again. So if I’m smart I’ll ignore any contact from her, but I honestly don’t expect to ever hear from her. She’s pretty determined and set in her mind to keep me out of her life.

I also had a dream about rearranging around 20 bottles of nail polish of all different colors and being by a swimming pool on a cruise ship.

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 22, 2016 Getting the fucking fatigues and dizzies now. If it ain’t peri, it’s gotta be my ear. I gotta take Ibuprofen nearly every day now. I stopped oiling it daily cuz it wasn’t doing me any good. It might’ve helped a little, but not much. Will start oiling again in October to make it easier for the ENT.

Yesterday I had ok energy but felt oddly out of breath, dizzy and even a bit nauseous after going out walking with Tom.

Still wishing I could know if Tom’s right in thinking I really will hear from Stacey someday if I don’t contact her first. But when? I just wish I knew what she had planned when. If I knew this, then I could better decide on what I should do. If I knew she’d contact me after it’s been 6 months to a year, I’d just sit back and wait patiently. If not, I could plan to contact her sometime next year.

Do I think I’d hear from her if I didn’t contact her? My guess is no. Like with Johnson, there was never any doubt or question in the end as to whether or not she liked me. That became obvious. But look how wrong I was to believe I really would hear from Johnson eventually. Ok, so Stacey’s not Johnson, but still… I gotta go by past experience.

Had a weird dream involving Nane. I was flying on a plane to Germany and I told whoever was sitting next to me that it was my third trip there. Then we were there and riding on a bus or something like that. It was getting dark out.

“Is this Munich?” I started to ask. Then we passed by a couple of lighted windows and I somehow knew that it was Nane’s apartment because I recognized it from pictures. In real life, she lives on the fourth floor and I’ve never seen pictures other than via satellite.

I spotted Nane in her “pond” in her large living room. She was swimming in it.

A split second later I was in her building. Her apartment door was open and I was in a large room across the hall, which also had its door open. She floated just under the surface of the water and then she appeared from the shoulders up and wrung her hair out with her hands. I called out to her and she quickly looked in my direction. I don’t know if she knew who I was, and she never said anything in response when I told her to get in touch with me either. She just continued to eye me warily yet curiously.

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 21, 2016 Cut out my diet, caffeine-free soda to see if it would lessen my heartburn. Not sure if it has or not, but I was wrong in saying I don’t miss the stuff. After eating I wanted to go to Niagara Falls, turn it into soda, and just stand under it with my mouth open, guzzling it by the gallons.

Last night I felt a bit overwhelmed, but not to the point where I broke down in tears. Except for the wisdom and maturity we acquire with age, aging really does suck. Earaches, obesity, heartburn, fatigue, lightheadedness, shitty vision, anxiety, ingrown/fungal nails, joint stiffness, perimenopause, high cholesterol, Hashimoto’s…

For the longest time, I’ve hated people in general. I still do for the most part. I think that most people are phony, out to serve themselves, and not very intelligent. I know I’m not perfect myself and that we all tend to be a little selfish in some ways. Even if we don’t realize it, I think we all want to benefit in some way from our relationships, whether they’re intimate or not. Of course I would rather be friends with Stacey than my neighbor. Stacey and I have shared an awful lot about each other in just the eight sessions we had together and we formed a bit of a bond in the end. So naturally, I would want to be friends with someone I felt more connected to, relaxed with, and who really understood me.

Lately, I find myself wishing that I was around more people more often, but just like you can’t force love, you can’t force friendships either. At least I never could. Anyone I’ve ever come to care about, whether I was attracted to them or not, was totally unplanned and accidental.

As Tom and I were discussing last night and as I totally agree, I have become way more critical and less tolerant with age. I totally admit it. Fortunately, I’m usually good at recognizing my faults. I’m just not always as good at changing them.

When I was younger I put up with a lot more shit from people that I would never put up with now. I’d never be friends with the likes of Kevin “Nervous” or Fran. But to me, friendships were sacred and worth doing whatever you had to do to hang onto them. The older me feels that while all relationships of any kind may need some work, if you have to work that hard, then you’re probably with the wrong person. Again, intimate or not, too many disagreements and compromises usually equal a bad match.

The question is where do you draw the line? Yes, I need to be less critical and more accepting, but unless it’s something really big and really obvious, there seems to be a fine line between what most would consider being intolerant versus what most would consider being too tolerant.

I realize that this is a subjective matter. We all have different definitions of what healthy relationships are versus toxic relationships. Hell, many people consider getting their asses beat as “healthy,” but lay one finger on me and you’re dead and then I’ll dump you. So some things would be obvious as far as where to draw the line, but others I’m not so sure about.

Alison decided to draw the line with my criticism, which in my mind was being totally upfront and honest, something I thought people wanted in a friendship.

Paula decided to draw the line when I tried to explain to her why staying here for two weeks would be a bit long for everybody, thinking what I was really saying was that I didn’t want to see her at all.

Maliheh dumped me after she was confident that I wouldn’t use her name in a story.

Andy said he was “just being honest,” when I let him know I’d had enough of his judgmental, arrogant ways and his “cloning.” Meaning that he automatically assumed I felt/thought the same way he did about almost everything.

I have cut ties with many people over the years and they have cut ties with me as well. In both cases, I’m sure that many unbiased people who could look at the situation objectively would say that sometimes I deserved to be dumped and other times I truly didn’t. But was I wrong to dump Nane for being a hypocrite or should I just have “tolerated” it and told myself that that was simply how she was? Well, maybe if she were a coworker I had to see almost every day, a little more tolerance would have been in order. But for a woman in Germany that I never met and never would meet, was hanging onto her really worth it?

So again, just where do I draw the line? Some things are obvious and other things I’m just not sure. I suppose the smart thing to do would be not to ask myself what I thought most others would do in a certain situation, and just go with my own gut instinct.

As horrible and as unfair as jail was, and as miserable as I felt both physically and emotionally, I did like the structure, routine, and meeting different people, even if a lot of them were fucked up and I felt smothered most of the time. Even the most social of people need space and privacy every now and then. Well, you’ll almost never get this in jail. I think what I liked best about meeting so many different people (particularly the DOs) were all the story ideas they inspired. Someone like my mother would have said, “What was the point? You didn’t gain anything from your stupid stories.”

No, I didn’t. They had no monetary value whatsoever. But I did gain the enjoyment of writing them. I was raised to believe most things should be done for profit, and while I love money the same as the next gal, sometimes I just like to have fun. Like Tom even said, money isn’t everything.

Will I ever again be around people regularly? Probably not. I don’t intend to ever go back to jail and I can’t see myself ever living in a nursing home, so unless one of the Staceys of the world surprises me (and there would be fewer Staceys if I could just get healthier, less anxious, and not need to see so many doctors), I doubt I’ll ever be that sociable. But as I also told Tom, that in itself has some good in it. Everything has its pros and cons. I guess it’s just a matter of what set of pros and cons you prefer, not that everyone has a choice. Tom has no choice but to associate with his coworkers because he has to have a job and he has to work.

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 20, 2016 Last night I took a walk in the very warm evening air, and tonight I think I’ll just focus on the Bowflex. Funny how one can look like shit yet fantastic for their age. Either way, this shit-great body is in good shape.

The Twenties will be back from vacation soon. Vacations always seem to go too fast when it’s your neighbors that are vacationing. I just know the projects will start back up as soon as they return. If not, someone else will be sure to do something.

Started having spotting, but like Tom and I both agree, I was probably just having a good estrogen day the day of testing. I still say my symptoms really smack of perimenopause. But maybe normal isn’t normal for me just like with my thyroid numbers. Their normal thyroid reference range flips me from hypo to hyper and I have to remain borderline to have my own personal “normal.” So maybe normal estrogen is peri for me and maybe my estrogen numbers weren’t normal before I started having peri symptoms.

In last night’s dream, I decided for some reason that I wanted a guinea pig. Since getting into rats I haven’t missed having them for pets or any other breed of rodent. Other rodents just don’t have that doglike behavior and intelligence. But it was the beginning of summer and I really wanted one all of a sudden. Tom insisted that we wait until the end of summer and I didn’t understand why since we had plenty of money.

Then we were browsing through a pet store. Next to a rabbit family were several cages side-by-side and each one had a dead bird in it. It seemed strange to me that the employees hadn’t removed them and that none of the customers complained either.

Then I was in a gift shop inspecting horse and ballerina figurines and decided to buy one of the ballerinas.

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 19, 2016 Went on a quick walk with Tom around the circle twice and have been short of breath ever since. Hope that, along with the sharp chest cramps I get every now and then after exercise, isn’t related to my heart, but that’s why I have a stress test scheduled. I still think my pump and pipes are fine if I had to guess. Maybe it’s just a little Sunday night anxiety.

Tapping and chicken wings to the rescue!

Later…

Three entries and I’m still not sure if that diary is Aly’s or not. There are a few things that have me doubting it, especially a wedding she attended for a guy named Aaron. Maybe she did attend someone’s wedding. I just would’ve thought she would’ve tweeted it. So I’m getting doubtful.

I haven’t blogged publicly for a couple of days because I really haven’t had anything to update. I’ve actually been getting more enjoyment out of my voice blog than my text blog lately. I guess I can mention some sleep stuff and dreams, though.

Last night I slept ok, but shitty as hell the day before. I was SO fatigued. I even felt a bit lightheaded, too. At this point, I don’t give a shit if he can’t fix the circadian rhythm problem. Yes, it makes life a bit of a bitch, but right now all I really want to do is sleep a lot better than I have been. Sleeping well once or twice a week just isn’t enough. I’m walking around like a zombie more than half the time and it’s affecting the quality of my life.

Started reading the sleep pamphlet the doctor gave me, and while most of it I already knew and is pretty obvious, there are a few interesting tips and pointers it mentions.

I knew common sources of caffeine were found in coffee, chocolate, energy drinks, etc., but it also says that common pain relievers have caffeine as well.

Exercise should end six hours before sleep, and electronic devices should be turned off a half hour before bed.

Naps should be avoided, especially after three p.m., and if you’re unable to fall asleep within 20 minutes, you should get up and try a quiet activity until you feel tired.

My heartburn has improved since I stopped drinking soda and started eating less.

I had two dreams involving Stacey. In one dream I was chatting with her in her office, and in another, I was hanging out with her. She said something about me hanging out with her for the weekend or me choosing to hang out with her for the weekend.

I don’t think I would ever hang out with anyone for an entire weekend, LOL. Too many other things I like to do, weekend or not.

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 18, 2016 Spotted a new account that kinda reeks of Aly on Prosebox. It’s written Aly-style and says things she would say like giving up keeping an online diary for a while because it’s hard to invest in something like that without the drama. Also, she won’t expect certain responses but won’t get upset when she doesn’t get them either. She needs “freedom” in her diary, too.

That last statement is the only thing that makes me wonder if it’s really her. Certainly, she’s smart enough to know that if you want true “freedom” then you have to go private or stay offline. Nobody has the “freedom” to express themselves in public without offending someone somewhere, even if it’s with the most innocent of topics. So to expect “freedom” in a public diary is naïve.

I also can’t believe she’d call her diary just “Diary,” but we’ll see. There you can follow people without them knowing it, so I followed her and we’ll see what happens. If it’s her she won’t stick it out for long. I should probably just play it safe and block her, but now I’m curious. If it’s her, she’ll be smart enough to figure out who “Peyton” really is if she finds me, and she’ll tell Kim, and then they can go back to playing their blocking game. I don’t want to give them that privilege if I can help it.

Then again, with my luck, they never planned to return after I changed accounts to know they could no longer block an account that no longer exists. Had I kept my old account, they’d still be there.

Slept horribly last night, and without lorazepam. The doctor did say that sometimes things like that can make a problem worse, and I have no immediate appointments, so there’s no need to take it. Really thought I’d sleep longer. Instead, I fell asleep later than yesterday, woke up 6-7 times, and got up at the same time as yesterday. I slept roughly 6 hours and got up once to pee, and woke up warm a couple of times. I don’t know why I woke up the other times.

Despite being super fatigued, I was unable to nap. So I’m doing things in spurts as I get bursts of energy.

Some of my Fitbit info is a crock. It always tells me it took me 0 minutes to fall asleep when it’s usually 30-60, and it tried to tell me I only woke up once last night. I don’t think I’ve woken up just once in years.

At this point, if he can’t get me on a schedule, fine. I just want to sleep! I want to be awake. I want to do things and to live my life without feeling so damn out of it.

The only good thing is that yesterday I noticed my boobs weren’t so damn sore anymore. Right now I feel faint traces of phantom cramps, as I call them.

So I guess I’ve had heart failure without the failure, and hot flashes without the perimenopause. Seriously, though, my symptoms really do smack of perimenopause. Tom and I both agree I probably really do have perimenopause and that I just had a good estrogen level on the day of testing. The symptoms are just too obvious, just like it was obvious that the levothyroxine was making me anxious. So Doc C didn’t believe I was thyrotoxic and Doc A doesn’t think I’m a perigirl.

Doc C is now married, and let me guess… her sex life is just perfect, right? She just seems to be one of those who has it all, even though logic tells me no one’s life is ever perfect. But just how “hard” or unique are her so-called hardships? Was she ever poor? Was she ever afraid to drive? Could she ever not keep a schedule? Was she ever forced into celibacy for long periods of time due to attracting the wrong people and not getting enough interest from the right people? Did she ever spend any of her teens as a ward of the state?

Perfect or near-perfect life or not, love can last, but passion dies over time. They’re not going to lust for each other the way they do now in another decade or two.

I’ve had more orgasms with this little pink vibrator than I’ve had in a year, which is nice, but a little sad. It’s a little sad that developing an even bigger crush on Stacey’s sister has increased my libido (till that fizzles and fades), but even if I were with someone I was hot for, I suppose there’d be no guarantee they’d be available when the hornies struck. But yeah, even though Lisa’s pic isn’t that great, she seems better looking than her older sister and has been a great muse for The Wrong Sister.

Last night I dreamed of visiting Andy in prison. He was in on child pornography charges. Then I walked with him to a part of what I guess was the prison where music was playing really loud. I turned a round wooden dial on the wall and lowered the volume.

I also changed the rats’ cage in a dream and used these gross sticky lettuce leaves to line the cage while the rats “vibrated” in a steel basket nearby. I laughed at the way it rattled.

Then Kate Jackson was in a dream. Not sure what that one was about. It seemed she was finally ready to divulge something to me that I had been curious about and that she’d been holding back on.

Lastly, I was asleep in the bedroom I had in the house I spent my first 12 years in. I woke up to the sound of loud music playing in the bathroom. I got up to investigate and found no one in it and so I turned the radio off that was sitting atop the counter before it could wake the others up. The other 3 bedroom doors were shut and I knew my parents and siblings were asleep behind them, even though I was my present age.

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 17, 2016 Wow, 110 followers on Pinterest now, huh? Well, I do have something like 11.2K pins.

Fitbit thinks my resting HR is just 76 cuz I’ve only been wearing it to bed, LOL. While I’m THRILLED to be anxiety-free, I still think it’s more like 85-90, probably 90.

I’ve been doing great both physically and emotionally. I don’t know how long it will last, but I sure as hell am enjoying it while it does. Still don’t sleep all that great, and I still wonder if the sleep disorder specialist can help me, but once upon a time I doubted Stacey could help with my anxiety yet she did. Where my other counselor failed, Stacey was my miracle. Damn, do I miss her, too!

Everything but my sleep has been better. I’m not as lightheaded and I don’t have as many earaches. We may never know why I was lightheaded, but what’s most important is that it stopped. Hopefully, it won’t return either. The only way I could get lightheaded is if I go too long without eating.

My doctor said that (along with too high of a dose of levothyroxine) it’s a medical disorder that causes my anxiety. That means I can go for months without incident and then it could get me anytime. Usually, though, something has to be going on to trigger it or it’s physiological, so I’m really hoping my peace will last a lot longer this time. There were a few instances where I could have gone into a panic, but I think Stacey’s EMDR has helped to prevent that.

I know I’m back to normal when I don’t mind being alone so long when Tom works long hours, but that’s to be cutting back either way.

We both had our eye exams by the same doctor who saw us last year and everything took forever. This was at Walmart. We were there for over two hours, and OMG! I am really seriously beginning to wonder when they’re going to have laws in effect to crack down on screaming brats just like with blasting car stereos. It was horrible! Even closed up in the exam room you could still hear ear-piercing screams. It is just ridiculous how parents allow their kids to act like such animals. Later on out in the area where they take care of your prescriptions, and then at McDonald’s, I could barely hear a thing anyone said to me because there were screaming brats all around me.

Also seeing a disturbing number of Muslims lately. That’s a little unnerving with their known attitude and thirst for violence.

She said my close-up vision is a little worse, but my long-distance vision isn’t that much worse. I’m still officially farsighted whereas Tom is nearsighted. My OH is up a bit at 28. That’s what the air puffer said it was. She then put those numbing drops in my eyes and measured the pressure with a blue light that she said measures more accurately. Our old doc in Auburn did that. At that point, my left eye was lower than last year, but my right eye was up. This could have been because I was nervous about her touching my eyeballs with objects. It only took a second, though, to get the measurements. She said she’s not super worried at the moment and that I don’t need drops.

Tom was given drops, though, for his “crying” eye. His left eye waters pretty much all the time and they don’t know why. These drops may stop that. He still has a small cataract in one eye, but it hasn’t worsened. Grow up in the desert and you’re more likely to get cataracts. Good to know I grew up a Masshole then. And that I proofread this, or else it’d read: Throw up in the desert and you’re more likely to get cataracts.

They replaced one of Tom’s broken nose pads and tightened the glasses I’m currently wearing. Just two weeks or less left with these God-awful progressives, and then it’s back to my bubble bifocals and purple Candies. They don’t look nearly as good as my shiny $400 designer frames, but the older I get the more I care about comfort as opposed to appearance. I wouldn’t be a size 12 if I didn’t.

I could have bought new frames, but I would rather wait and have our insurance pay for them like they do every two years. I have just the perfect pair of children’s frames picked out for next year. I prefer glasses where the nose pads are part of the frame, and these frames not only have that, but they have colors I like, including shiny gemstones on the sides.

The only negative to going back to the round bifocals is that I lose the transitions. You can only have that with progressives or lines. The lines would probably be annoying even with an antiglare coating, which I am getting. Bubble bifocals have more of a smooth transition. The only other negative to them is that I lose mid-range vision. They’re all or nothing, and yes, it is a pain in the ass to be stuck in the middle where something is too close for the long-range and too far for the close-range. That’s not nearly as annoying, however, as the “swimming” effects of the progressives. I also hate having to look through a very specific spot in the progressives to see whatever. Shift my eyes and it’s all blurry. Screw that!

Left the dream notebook in the bathroom there. No local blog views, though, that I know of.

I now have something like 3.5 weeks off from appointments, and I’m gonna enjoy every second of it!

It was hot, dry and gorgeous out, but it’s supposed to cool off soon.

Tom needs to get a new regulator for the passenger car window because it keeps slipping down. Either the hook or the cable is broken. Despite being in a gated retirement community, having nothing valuable in the glove compartment, and how things are harder to steal from this kind of car, I didn’t like the idea of someone being able to reach inside an expensive luxury car, so he turned it around so that that window was not visible from the road.

As I told Tammy, it’s a good thing I haven’t been very psychic lately because last night I dreamed that one of my crowns fell out. I’ve had a few trivial dream premonitions, but that’s pretty much it.

I had an awesome night writing last night. Started my book on the 5th and as of last night I had over 25K words written. I wrote for about 4 hours straight, tapping out 4550 words. Very productive and loads of fun, even if I never make another penny from it. Good brain exercise, too.

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 15, 2016 Was too busy/tired to write yesterday. Still a little tired, but after taking a nap at the end of what was an obnoxiously noisy day today, I think I can catch up now.

So I wake up to the tune of hammering as they take down the Twenties’ tent, and someone’s mutt yipping on the other side (probably as its owner stopped to chat with someone), then head for Roseville about an hour later.

The doctor’s in the Army Reserves, so I didn’t get to see her. Everyone else was there, including a new girl named Jessica. I told them about the sensitivity, and it turns out that it’s not so much because I have cavities, as it is gum inflammation. Holly suggests I go back to using an electric toothbrush, but get a kiddy one.

Shannan did an air test to see if that stirred up any sensitivity, but all the X-rays revealed were the start of a couple of tiny recessions in a couple of bottom teeth. I had a few 4’s on the gum probe, but I’ll get things back into better shape soon enough.

After I was scaled, polished, flossed, fluoride varnished, and given my goodie bag, we were off to a burger joint. All I felt like was an order of fries and a drink.

So 3 appointments down this month and 1 more to go come Saturday. We’re both getting our eyes checked by the same lady we used last time. I hope my OH isn’t up! Definitely doing away with progressives unless they say they can’t pop the old lenses on my purple Candies. Transition glasses are fine, but I hate the dizzying/blurring effect of progressives, and I prefer glasses where the nose pads are part of the frame and not separate. Nose pads tend to be too close to my eyes because I’m so small. It’s just that “bubble” bifocals can’t be put in my designer frames.

Wondering if something’s wrong with Simon because he’s been having breathing issues. All 3 of them were out and about last night and they like to do some tenting of their own. I put a piece of old material over the stepstool and they like to play under there when they’re not exploring.

Probably going to stop voice blogging on Tumblr because I’m having too many recording issues.

Although I haven’t been watery or bloated, my boobs have been uncharacteristically sore day after day. I’ve never had sore boobs after a heavy period.

The night before last I dreamed something about a suspected killer, and last night it was spotting a giant spider that I sprayed. Once sprayed it shriveled up, but then it flew toward me. Ugh.

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 13, 2016 I met with Dr. S, the sleep disorder specialist/neurologist. This was in downtown Sacramento in the same building O is in, which meant a long ride with lots of traffic and that stupid valet parking. He’s on the fourth floor while Doc O was on the third floor. Got to go back to this same place two more times this year… to see him in November, and then to the cardiology department up on the sixth floor for my stress test in December. I have so many appointments! Just so, so many. I just cracked my 50s and all the appointments sometimes drive me batty. How am I going to handle getting old? I wonder. This month alone I have four appointments. Next up in two days is my dentist. She’s my second favorite doc, runner-up to Stacey. Really sweet person. So is her staff.

Dr. S seems like a nice guy, and he’s from here, which helps me to understand him better when he speaks. The foreign doctor with the funky accent routine gets old.

The nurse took me into the exam room, as is customary to do these days, and proceeded to tell me all about her fertility issues and her pet dog, as if I really cared, haha. The doctor didn’t leave me waiting long at all.

I had filled out a medical history form about my sleep habits, and he did a series of tests besides the usual things like listening to my heart. He had me stare straight at him and then he would hold up a set number of fingers toward his left or right, up or down, and ask how many fingers he was holding up. Then I had to touch his fingertip and then my nose, and a strength test of my arms and legs by having me push and pull against his arms.

He looked in my mouth and explained what it was he saw that made the dentist ask if I had sleep apnea. Well, I don’t officially have it, which is good, but because it’s a bit “crowded” in my mouth/throat, there is a risk. He explained that usually there’s space above the tongue, but I guess there isn’t in my case. He measured my neck too, which can also be a factor in sleep apnea. You don’t want to be over 18 inches if you’re a man or 16 inches if you’re a woman. I’m at 14 inches.

What I definitely do have is circadian rhythm disorder. I struggled with this most of my adult life, but I kept it secret for the most part because it wasn’t a known and understood problem that was documented in the medical journal before 1999, and I knew that most people would just tell me I was “lazy” or “stubborn” and “didn’t really want to keep a schedule,” so I never bothered to explain it to most people. Even now, as much as sleep knowledge/medicine has advanced, I don’t think many people would get it just like many people don’t get things like anxiety, depression or anorexia unless they have it themselves.

He said medication is always a last resort, and that’s a good thing with my fear of medication. Because I’m already in my 50s, while I would like to be able to be helped in order to keep the schedule, it won’t be the end of the world if I can’t be. I have a husband who loves me enough to support me despite my shortcomings, and while it may be a pain in the ass to live with, I’m content to keep on taking care of the house and my job as a writer and software tester. If it doesn’t require a schedule and you want to pay me to do something within my means… Bring it on. I’ll be more than happy to do it.

But maybe he can help me keep a schedule for longer periods of time. Just like Stacey didn’t make my anxiety go away but taught me how to manage it better, maybe it doesn’t have to be so all or nothing with the sleep issues.

Okay, so here’s what we’re going to do. He gave me a four-week sleep journal in which I’m supposed to document the times I went to bed and got up, how long it took me to fall asleep, how many times I woke up, what woke me up, how long I slept, my caffeine intake, exercise, medication, and if I ate close to bedtime.

I’ve got a good head start in that I only have one medication I take regularly and one cup of coffee after I’ve been up for a half-hour and my thyroid med has been absorbed (no caffeine will be allowed on stress test day). I also exercise 20 minutes or more most days, and I try to make a point of not eating much too close to whenever I’m going to fall asleep because it raises my risk of heartburn.

Another thing I’m going to be doing is gathering my Fitbit information for him.

He also gave me some information from Medscape to go over.

Saturday we’re both going to the eye doctor, then next month is ENT month. Like I said, it never ends.

After leaving Sacramento we stopped at the Panda Express. I was hesitant to do so because the last time I ate there in the ‘90s in a mall in Phoenix, I hated it. But I was starving and there wasn’t anything else around. It was surprisingly good, though. The fried rice was boring, but the steak and veggies were good, and the honey walnut shrimp was excellent.

After lunch, it was off to get my hair re-layered and trimmed. She took off about half an inch. I can keep on dying it if getting it trimmed every six months will help keep it from looking so shabby. If not, then I guess I’ll have to have either long gray hair or dyed hair that I keep shoulder-length.

We picked up our meds at Walmart and then gathered some findings in the jewelry section. We got jump rings and split rings, but the splits are hard to work with. Got to get more jump rings. Tom did manage to “magnetize” a couple of necklaces for me. :-)

The Twenties are still tented. I was hoping they would have removed it while we were gone so I wouldn’t have to listen to it when they did. At least I got to miss out on the Tuesday landscaping at Geri’s.

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 12, 2016 I find it rather sad that so many black men these days choose to refer to their women as “bitches.” What’s up with that? These people have no respect for themselves, for each other, or for anyone else.

In a moment’s weakness, I played with Alison on Twitter and a little bit with Kim, too. Just speaking my mind, not that it will do me any good. I just don’t get it. A woman can forgive a man for beating the shit out of her, yet Aly can’t forgive me for telling her like it is/was. Kim ran and changed names and played her blocking game, of course, but Aly didn’t for some reason. Maybe she feels that that in itself would be a reaction she doesn’t want to give me.

Been watching Stalkers Who Kill. I think it’s pretty pathetic that these psychos were well known to the police in the cases presented yet the police refused to do anything to help the victims. Nice to know they really “protect and serve,” isn’t it?

Anyway, this park really needs to STOP with the damn water games. All I wanted to do was simply take a bath and try my new bath bomb yet tons of dirt was present in the tub as if we were back in Maricopa dealing with wells all over again. The showers and sinks don’t have dirt coming out of them because they have filters. Tom’s going to have to take a hose and drain the dirt from the hot water tank. And the sad thing is that it’s been a couple of weeks since the last shut-off, so I know the water’s due to be turned off again any day now. I probably shouldn’t be taking a chance by running the dishwasher like I am right now, but they usually do it earlier in the day.

Despite some sediment in the water and the bath bomb not quite smelling like Love Spell, it was a luxurious experience that left my skin soft enough not to need lotion.

The hot oily water removed my artificial nails but I was sick of them anyway. They look awesome but can be a real pain in the ass for a writer.

Feeling a bit lightheaded yesterday and today but I’m getting a lot done. I did a ton of housecleaning today.

Bob and Virginia had company yesterday. They were pretty quiet for at least half a dozen visitors. Again I was so glad we weren’t back in Phoenix! There would have been tons of screaming kids, fighting adults, barking dogs, blasting music, basketball games that went on all day just yards from our windows, and trash galore.

I wonder if it was Bob’s birthday. I know he’s to turn 87 this month.

The fumigators tented Jon and Carolyn who are now on vacation. I guess they’ll remove it tomorrow.

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 11, 2016 Signing in with a mysterious sore throat (heartburn?) and bad news from Tammy. Yeah, if there really was a God I’d say it’s a real shit for letting her nearly die twice. Seriously she doesn’t deserve this! Well, nothing up there may give a shit, but her family does. The congestion wasn’t going away so Mark took her to the emergency room. They transferred her to intensive care and then eventually to a regular room. She was in the hospital for a few days altogether.

I turned my ringer off when I went to Dr. A and forgot to turn it back on. I saw the phone flashing so I knew I had a message. I decided not to call her back because she sounded so awful and as if she was struggling to speak. Her voice was very hoarse and raspy. I emailed her instead.

I guess there was either a problem with her other medication or it just wasn’t helping. They now have her on different antibiotics and all we can do is hope that this will help. I noticed she hadn’t been around as much online but thought she was busy catching up on things she hadn’t been able to do for a while. Kinda surprised the girls didn’t give me a heads-up.

Again I didn’t have a single dream hinting that trouble was up with her. The only dream I remember lately was about losing Burke. I was going up a small elevator with him in some building. The elevator had two doors. When one door opened I put him down on the floor of the elevator and told him to wait for a second for me while I quickly jumped out to do something. It then occurred to me that anybody could’ve called the elevator to their floor. Worried, I raced back to the elevator and opened the door. The elevator was still on my floor but the rat was gone.

I ran in a panic to some older lady in some kind of assistance office and asked if she could help me. “Of course,” she said, sitting down between two other women of similar age as I began to tell what happened.

In other news, we changed the rats’ cage this morning and filled out the forms for the sleep doctor I’m to see on Tuesday. Now I just hope my sister gets better and my sore throat goes away. I got up to pee in the middle of the night and a gush of acid flew up to my throat from my stomach. Maybe that’s why it’s sore?

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 10, 2016 Congrats to my dear hubby for once again making Employee of the Month!

Did an Amazon order because we needed some household items including bedding for these rats that seem to go through it like crazy. We have too damn many rats! LOL, I just wish they were more like cats and not so fucking terrified of everything. Burke has turned out to be a wonderful rat who’s a lot of fun, but all three of them scare so easily. If I just sneeze they’re terrified. Really, I get tired of this scaredy-rat crap after a while.

While I was at it I grabbed some magnetic jewelry clasps because I’m tired of dealing with lobster claw clasps. They are a pain in the ass even when my nails are shorter.

Got a rat calendar for next year, a rat coloring book for adults, flavored lip gloss, purple wireless earbuds, and a Love Spell bath bomb. I’ve always wanted to try one of those, and I love that particular scent.

I also ordered some fragrance oils, Choco Musk, Maple Syrup, Brown Sugar and Brown Sugar & Fig.

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 9, 2016 Saw Dr. A this morning and it went well. However, I’m not sure I’m getting anywhere as far as solving the mystery of what’s making me fatigued and lightheaded a lot of the time. According to her numbers, I actually have good estrogen still. I was shocked to hear this after having what I really thought were symptoms of perimenopause all this time. If that’s not what I’m going through, then what hell might await me when I actually am?

We’re now wondering if my sleep issues could have a hand in it. It’s not just schedule issues I have, but I still wake up a lot. Today I feel the best I’ve felt since Tuesday, but who knows how I’m going to feel tomorrow or the next day?

I told her about Tammy’s heart attack and she asked how old she was. I told her, and also the fact that she smokes and is inactive.

So they did an EKG, which looks good, and soon I’m going to be getting a call to schedule to have a stress test done. She said that at first she was going to send me directly to a cardiologist, but decided to start with just the stress test.

I told her that the anxiety has been great since the spring and she asked if I was still seeing Stacey. I let her know she was on call and she was okay with that. When I told her it was too bad that Doc L left since she was the only shrink I ever met that wasn’t crazier than her patients, she laughed her ass off.

I told her I wasn’t sure if I was going to cancel the new shrink or not, since I don’t need the lorazepam too often, and she recommended waiting until it got closer since it takes three or four months to get an appointment.

She’s okay with me continuing on my own for a while longer as far as managing my own cholesterol goes, but I understand that sooner or later I’m going to have to go back on something.

Anyway, the sleep doctor is also a neurologist and hopefully he can tell me if I have sleep apnea or whatever else may be going on. Last I knew there was no cure for the non-24 issue, but maybe there’s new information I don’t know about. All I know is that I have had sleep issues all my life and the older I get the worse they get.

She recommended I see her again in three months, although she would be okay with six, so I’ll see her again in December. Gotta go to the lab the week before, as usual, for cholesterol, TSH and T4 testing.

We stopped at the Goodwill we don’t usually go to after the doctor, and neither of us found anything interesting. I don’t particularly like this one.

We also stopped at a fast food place where I got a breakfast platter loaded with cholesterol. :)

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 7, 2016 One sign that summer is nearing its end is when you can hear the freeway traffic, something that’s only possible in cooler weather. Not sure why, but it’s something about the heat and atmospheric pressure of the heat that prevents you from hearing it in here in the summer. In the summer you just hear the car stereos instead. I’d rather hear the vehicles themselves passing by.

Tom has left for another 12-hour day, but this should be it for a while. I’m not as exhausted as yesterday, but I do have a little bit of fatigue and lightheadedness. Yesterday really sucked, though. I was practically in tears of frustration. I barely had the energy to function. While I’m glad that I feel better today, it sucks to know it isn’t going to last long. I’m still having more energyless days than days when I have sufficient energy. It really affects the quality of my life at times because I have to really struggle to do things on bad days, only able to do them in small steps before I have to stop and rest. Today I am scrambling to get as much done as possible, knowing that my energy supply is limited. Tomorrow I could be back to feeling like I haven’t slept in a week. I slept better last night, though I still did wake up several times. I honestly can’t remember the last time I closed my eyes and didn’t open them again until it was time to get up.

Due to a combination of not having energy most days or the patience to finish my stories, even though I do get good ideas, I’m trying a new technique. This means that for the most part, I write this story as if telling it after-the-fact. It lets me write more content and faster too, this way. At least it seems to so far.

I didn’t see any workers at the Twenties yesterday and I haven’t seen them yet today either, which is a bit of a surprise. Right now the house across from Geri is being mowed and blowed. And I’m guessing that Bob – the ageless old man – will want to reach for his saw and hammer anytime now that the weather is cooling down. I’m armed with enough sound machines, he can’t have that many years left to enjoy these projects, so fine, let him make his grandkids a new birdhouse. Got Pandora cranked up right now. Kinda like CRZY by Kehlani.

Burke was so funny yesterday. He could tell I didn’t feel well and he worked really hard to cheer me up. He ran around all playful and damn is that rat fun, but hard to keep up with at times, LOL.

I guess that’s all for now. I’m just enjoying my energy while it lasts… and missing Stacey. I really wish she would call so I could update her and see if she thinks I should come in and see her or not. The more I think about it, though, the more I’m pretty sure I’ll never hear from her unless she hears from me first. Isn’t that the way it usually is, though?

And why are my boobs still sore after my period?

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 6, 2016 There is nothing more frustrating than your mind wanting to do things while your body simply won’t cooperate. Again I’m feeling like shit. I am so tired of feeling tired! I intend to discuss it with Dr. A when I see her Friday but even if there was medication for me, chances are my body won’t be able to tolerate it. It is SO frustrating when there might be medication for this or that but you can’t take it because your body can’t handle it. It’s almost as if something up there wants me to suffer.

I was fine on Sunday, but last night I slept like major shit, constantly waking up. No nightmares, though. I don’t even remember any dreams I might have had. All I know is that I took a Benadryl before bed and I woke up seemingly every 15 minutes. By the time I got up, I felt like I’d only slept a few hours if even that, and I felt like I had a Benadryl hangover like the stuff can sometimes leave you feeling. Now I’m just light-headed and fatigued, but that’s annoying enough. I have zero energy. I could barely bring myself to brush my teeth. With my shit luck, I’ll get my energy back a few hours before bed.

I’m just sick of this shit, but I feel helpless as far as what to do about it. I really don’t think there’s much I can do, as it’s just something every woman who goes through perimenopause has to deal with.

Despite how shitty and out of it I feel today, we had a fun and productive weekend. We did fun things and we did not so fun things in that they were things that needed to be done.

Tom dyed my hair for me and now it’s fried as hell. I’m going to have my layers trimmed soon and hopefully, that will make it look healthier.

We went for a bike ride early in the morning yesterday and I thought to myself, my God have I gotten this out of shape due to being too tired to work out so much of the time?

My legs felt weak and rubbery. I’m having more bad days than good these days where I’m not able to do as much, so yes, I have definitely been slacking off on working out. I just don’t have the energy anymore and I don’t know if I ever will again. I sure hope I will, but the longer I don’t, the more I lose hope of ever getting my old self back. I miss having energy most days!

After the bike ride, we changed the rats’ cage and after that, we went out and put a few of the color-changing solar lights in front after trimming some bushes. Bob and Virginia drove by and we waved to each other. Then the Twenties walked over and we chatted for a few minutes.

Jon talked to Tom and Carolyn talked to me for the most part. Carolyn and I exchanged numbers and I told her I would let her know if I saw anything suspicious while they were on vacation.

Jon said something about selling a house in Elk Grove and also looking for a part-time job. Good luck as older white bread.

They said they would be putting up cameras because of the way the place was to be tented while they were gone and the workers would have to have access to the house, which I was surprised to learn, not that they have anything valuable, so Carolyn says. I assured them we’ve vacationed twice since being here and nothing happened, so they should be ok, though the cameras are always a good idea. It’s what we do.

Carolyn said they’ve only been married for 8 years and talked a little bit about what Jackie told her and the work they had done. She said all the pounding must have driven me crazy and while I admitted it was a bit loud, I also understood that they had to do what they had to do and didn’t have much choice. I just hope this will be it for a while, LOL. We talked about landscaping plans and I joked that they were welcome to dig up our Cypress trees and take them.

They said we could come over sometime for coffee, and I think that’s pretty much it.

I was glad to hear from Marie yesterday. She said she had to pull back and recharge because her medication fucked her up, and if anybody knows what that’s like it’s me. Something called Wellbutrin for her ADHD and depression. It made her very angry and she cried a lot, she said, and the stupid doctors weren’t supposed to have given it to her anyway. I guess there’s a DNA test they do, and that was one of the drugs that were listed not to be given to her.

Sometimes I wonder if doctors can be trusted any more than cops can.

Then she said she was on a dating site and desperate and asked since she’s not big on writing if I would write a little bio for her. She said she’s not really good at listing her attributes, but she pretty much hasn’t changed since Valleyhead. Yeah, that’s probably part of her problem, LOL.

So I guess the chick in Oregon didn’t work out for her. I think long-distance relationships only work if it’s just for fun (like Nane and I) and you know you’re never going to meet and wouldn’t want to leave the one you were with in the first place anyway.

Anyway, I wrote the bio and we exchanged numbers.

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 4, 2016 Got my first real period in two months. My stomach deflated like a popped tire after being so damn bloated. They say you have too much belly fat if your waist is over 35” and that it should be several inches smaller. Well, it’s currently right at 35”, but there’s no way in hell I could ever get it back in the 20s no matter how much I dieted and exercised. Been having more and more problems with heartburn lately, so if anything will keep the weight from going up, it’ll be that since I can’t quite eat as much. Thinking of giving up soda to see if that helps, even though I drink calorie and caffeine-free soda.

I was thinking about how Rachel said you could still have Hashimoto’s symptoms even with perfect numbers. Well, I still do in some ways. Not being able to lose weight is one of them, though I also know that part of that is being older and that we’re supposed to have a little extra cushion with age.

Chatted with Mr. Twenties while Tom added water to the car. They’re taking off for two weeks on the 11th for his 50th high school reunion in Iowa. They’re going to make a serious road trip of it and stop at places like Yellowstone. He really appreciated me telling him he didn’t look that old, LOL, and he doesn’t. He’s such a nice guy, too.

He said the workers are “almost” done, whatever that means, and that the place will be tented the week after they leave. So I take it the workers will be there all of next week?

Went to Walmart yesterday morning and as he was scanning items at the self-serve register, I glanced over at the self-serve register across from us… a petite, slender woman with dark gray curls swept to the side and almost to the shoulders. No makeup. Almost athletic in appearance… Doc O? Tom didn’t think so, though she does live pretty close to us.

Today we’ll be going to Sam’s. We’ve got several things we want to get done around the house as well. These damn popcorn ceilings haven’t been de-webbed since Andy’s visit in late 2014, so since he’s got the height, he’ll go around doing that while I shine the flashlight to illuminate the dust better.

We’re going to put in the solar color-changing ground stake lights we have, move the kitchen table back into the dining area, and drag my old desk out of his closet and into my bedroom so I can have a more comfortable daytime office.

I shoved the file box under the laundry room desk since he has a better plan for hanging the bikes in the area across from it where there used to be a freezer.

We also need to change the rats’ cages, and I want to dye my hair.

I’m so glad my life is better than what it was in my dreams last night! I slept horribly and am tired today. We were living someplace where we were keeping these bees of all things. The beehives were by the living room window. They slept inside the hives at night and in the daytime, they came out, but stuck close to their hives, never flying around the place or anything.

I was talking to Tom, wearing just my bra and panties, when I raised my voice a bit. I don’t know if I was laughing or angry, but it startled the bees into flying onto me. I wanted to scream in a panic but was frozen in fear. Luckily I woke up at that point!

Then I witnessed two women fighting. As they were beating the shit out of each other in the street, I grew nervous as they got closer to our place and was about to jump in and beat the shit out of both of them if they fucked up our flowerbeds, but then they split up and ran.

I also had weird dreams. I cut the back of the couch to find rats nesting inside it and a small box that had a fan in it I could hear and feel, but not see. Then someone told me they thought something was wrong with the pipe feeding water to Tammy’s bathroom sink while I was still trying to figure out the box “fan” and pull all the rats out of the couch.

Then I was talking to my parents about some beach for older folks and said, “But it’s not like your beach where you have just a few women and men that act civilized. This beach has about 50 women that do nothing but shout over each other all day long.”

Then I was on a beach that was fairly deserted and walking along the shore. Someone warned me that the undertow was especially strong at the moment, and it did seem that I had to struggle to keep from getting sucked offshore and into the big waves.

Next, I ran into Doc A. First, in real life she sent me the portion of the hormone results when I asked her for tips on lightheadedness. Yeah, but what do they mean? I guess this is her way of saying, “You’re perimenopausing. Deal with it!” LOL

In the dream, I picked up my Burkey boy and she saw me give him a big hug and kiss. She was both amused and disgusted. A split second later she was riding away in a 50’s pickup that was driven by some guy. It was one of those old vehicles that had one long seat in front. She sat close to the guy, turned to look out the strip of window behind her, and waved to me.

Lastly, I had a jail dream that was about the most fun any jail dream could possibly get. It’s like it wasn’t a jail, but more like a resort, country club or fancy hotel. The only thing you couldn’t do was leave the place or choose your own food. There were 4-5 people per room, which had regular windows and real twin beds. Not plastic-covered foam mattresses thrown on either concrete or steel shelves/benches. The beds were even adjustable.

All the “inmates” were friendly and civilized. They didn’t act like a bunch of teenagers or seem as smart as second graders.

You could have your cell phones and any prescription meds you were on sent to you there. I was to be there for 3 months, so I must’ve done something a lot more serious than writing some no-no, knowing our twisted laws. I didn’t seem to know Tom, but my parents were still alive. Only problem was that I couldn’t call them to ask for my thyroid meds and a loan for the shops they had because they had just changed their number and I couldn’t remember it.

Pissed that I hadn’t programmed their number into my phone, I set about finding some stationary to write to them. In one of the shops, I was given a sheet of paper by a young woman. Then she gave me a handful of “decorations” to fancy up the envelope with. I chose a shiny purple flower. Then I was given an assortment of envelopes to choose from and made my choice.

“That’ll be 30 cents,” she said.

“Oh no!” I said, “I don’t have any money yet. I just got here.”

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 3, 2016 Aly’s still crying about crying, saying she wonders how many calories you burn crying because it’s been that kind of day, crying herself to sleep and then for much of the day.

Just be sure to throw away any sane and dependable friends you might have. Only the crazy ones who, as you admit, have no empathy and can’t be trusted or relied upon worth shit, can make you “happy.”

When I think back to how she didn’t even put up a fight when I dumped her for a while for lying, I now realize it’s because she never wanted to be friends in the first place.

I once got an anonymous question on Ask asking how I would let go of someone who hurts me emotionally but is otherwise a good friend. This no doubt had to be from her, but not in regards to Kim as I first thought. I’d bet anything I was the one who “hurt” her emotionally by being honest.

Seriously, I don’t miss this moody lying bitch. I’ll miss her wisdom, her feedback, her advice, and just having someone to check in with regularly, but I definitely won’t miss much else.

Reading back in some of my old journals in order to do the Life by the Month project I’m doing has been interesting. I forgot that I met Mike, a guy I had a one-nighter with, through Jim P, the guy I cleaned houses for.

It also amazed me that I could go to a doctor’s appointment and spend the day at the beach with just two hours of sleep. Those days are long over.

I’ve got great story ideas right now. If only I could motivate myself to stick it out and write more content more often. In about a week that initial motivation usually wears off, so I wish I could write my stories faster before they get a chance to fade away along with my interest.

The workers arrived at 8:00 sharp yesterday morning as expected, but weren’t as noisy this time. They parked in front of the house since the trash bins were out along the side of their place and our carport, and I didn’t hear any fierce hammering. I can tell they’re not done yet. Even if they don’t tent the place, they need to paint.

They left at 11:30 and were gone for about an hour. Whether or not they returned, I don’t know because I went to bed. I’m sure they’ll be back Tuesday.

I dreamed that Tom and I or just myself must’ve been accused of something bad that was either in the media or had at least gotten around the neighborhood because one night he returned from the store all upset. Our house didn’t look like our house, as usual. There was a small table just inside the front door on which Tom placed a few bags. He left the front door cracked and I quickly shut and locked it in case anyone with ill intentions followed us home. He said something about telling someone that they didn’t know or understand what the “allegations” meant.

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 2, 2016 Found Aly’s latest Twitter account through Kim’s seemingly favorite fan account dedicated to a local weatherman whom the 300+ pound nutjob has a hopeless crush on. If it weren’t for her craziness and shit personality I might almost feel sorry for Kim. Kim… well into her 30s and has no doubt never even been kissed.

Aly’s posted her handle on this fan account before in the bio section. Is she dumber than I thought or does she actually want me to find her? And why am I dumb enough to keep looking for her? Why am I still curious despite all the lies she’s told me, and the hurt and anger she’s put me through? I shouldn’t care about her any more than she cares about me. I’m sure I haven’t so much as even crossed her mind for a second since I last contacted her.

All of Kim’s accounts are protected, of course, and Aly’s tweeting the usual stuff… no one gets her depression, she wishes she had someone to talk to, she’s been waiting on her less-than-smart and less-than-reliable “friend” to do some email to someone together, and she just might have ruined a friendship. This last one was in regards to “wishing there was a depression filter for texting instead of a spellcheck or swear word filter.” No mention of me, though.

So not surprisingly, as there are a lot of intolerant people out there who lack compassion, she’s been dumped by someone who has a problem with her depression/clinginess but won’t hesitate to throw those away that did care.

Despite missing her occasionally and having an online friend to check in with regularly (sorry, but Rachel and Charlotte just aren’t Aly), get personal opinions from and share stories with, I don’t miss all the other drama. I remind myself every time I think of reaching out to her just to be rejected that she’s a liar, she’s two-faced, she misreads me, and she’s clingy. “I’d like to spend time with my husband” really means “I don’t give a shit” in her book and I can’t deal with that. That’s the kind of shit I used to get from Marie and it drove me crazy.

Still no sign of Marie, BTW. No idea what happened to her. Maybe her newest GF convinced her to dump everyone for her or some crazy shit like that.

The Twenties are still driving me crazy and making me sorry they moved in. If these projects are going to be a regular occurrence over there, then I want them out of here! Tom said they were done yesterday, but they’re not “done,” and my gut feeling is I’ve got another week or two of this shit.

Got a reply from Doc A. All she said was thanks for the heads up. Depending on how my appointment goes, I’ll decide if I should see Tom’s doc instead. He’s male, but since he’s that and Middle Eastern, there’s no waiting time, I could get in faster on emergencies, and he’s just 5 minutes away.

Last night I dreamed I was holding a cat in some large room. Tom was standing near me. We were to give it to someone. I don’t know if I kept the cat for a while, found it somewhere or what, but nearby was a dividing wall that was 7 or 8 feet tall. The cat squirmed restlessly and managed to wriggle out of my grasp. It started to climb this wall and I begged a woman who sat on top of it to please catch the cat for me.

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 1, 2016 I hate this time of year. As a kid, September meant the end of summer and the return of school. Now it still means the end of summer, but it also means colder weather will be inching its way in and I’m not looking forward to it at all. I’m thrilled that the brats are back in school, but it’s only going to get colder and colder and the weather’s going to be mostly shitty until April. Should have some pleasant days in March, but the nights will still be cold, possibly even into May.

And then there’s the noise. Once the leaves start coming down every day, I’ll have to listen to those insanely loud blowers every goddamn day, not to mention other things. The Twenties are driving me crazy as it is with their very loud project and I’m already sorry they moved in. Figured God would make sure they were noisy. They are the second-closest house to us after all, though the house behind us is closer to my bedroom than they are. All that hammering for 8 hours a day for two weeks now, yet the place still looks the same. The bottom half of the wall on the side facing us is torn off. The hammering has been so damn loud that I can hear it on the other side of the house when in the bedroom with the sound machine on. I have a bad feeling it’s going to last another week or two, too. I just hope they’re not the project junkies Jesse was. I still hear every bit of it whether it’s a hired hand making the racket or themselves. There’s plenty more they could do, too. They could install a garage, redo the roof, add a sunroom in front, paint the place, etc. If they can’t shut up anytime soon, I’m going to push to have them moved. They’re just way too close to us for all this activity. I have lived in 5 states and never before this one have I heard so many loud projects being done so often. Carpet cleaning, hammering, sawing, chainsaws, wood chippers… and Saturday the park calendar suggests we may be back in the mainstream. Or at least feel like we are with 4 hours of base thumping when they have a live band here. Seriously, I didn’t come here for all this shit or the weather, which could be worse but still isn’t warm enough for my tastes, and I wonder just how many more years before we can move to Hawaii or Florida.

Soon someone will have to listen to our own loud carpet cleaning van. We really could use them out here, and I almost wish I didn’t get this sandy-colored carpet. If I had to start all over again I’d have dark or colored carpet in the bedrooms only, and the rest of the place would have laminate flooring.

We thought about what to replace some of these plants we want removed (if we can ever afford it) and I was thinking along the lines of cactus because it’s low maintenance. We know what we want to do by the carport, but aren’t sure about the other 3 sides.

Sometimes I wish we could afford to hire both housekeepers and landscapers, but even if we could, that wouldn’t work with my sleep curse, would it?

No lightheadedness, fatigue or earaches today or yesterday. I’m surprised but grateful that it backed off so soon after returning. Usually when it comes on it stays with me for a week or more.

Getting nervous, having more trouble sleeping and using lorazepam to help me sleep (hey, I might as well use what I’ve got left), as my appointments loom closer. Doc A is ignoring my message no doubt because she’s pissed at me, and I’m just worried that seeing her and the sleep doc is going to be a waste of time. Then again, that’s what I thought with Stacey.

I also worry that my dentist is going to uncover all kinds of problems.

[iliveinabarbieworld]

Sleep. Blog. Watch And Repeat

I slept the whole day, and here I am again, awake at night because, of course, my body clock is still used to it. I feel better now, though I think my healing process is still ongoing. I don’t think I’m ready or strong enough to face the world just yet. I didn’t eat anything today because I wasn’t hungry—maybe because I ate a lot yesterday and didn’t move much today. My body probably knows I still have plenty of stored energy that’s unused. So tomorrow, I think I should apply for a job. Just doing something will keep my mind from freaking out over being unproductive. I’ll apply without any preparations, but I need to get a medical certificate tomorrow so I can file for sick leave. I have to keep myself busy tomorrow, or I’ll blame myself for being too relaxed. I can relax once I’ve accomplished something. Resting isn’t in my program anymore. I need to get a good sleep tonight so I can wake up tomorrow with a good source of energy. But it’s too early to sleep, so while waiting for bedtime, I’ll watch Gilmore Girls because it calms my soul. I want to write a blog about the movie series I love soon. That would be fun and exciting! I miss watching The Bold Type. I need to relax my mind—that’s my preparation for tomorrow’s events that I’ll create so this main character, me, will have something to do.

I will face a lot of challenges tomorrow, and I’ll list them all down:

When I wake up, I’ll face the struggle of my will to live. Do I really need to move today, or will I just be reckless and let it all pass? It will be a tug-of-war between what I need to do and whether I actually need to do it.

What am I going to eat? I’ll probably be too lazy to change clothes to buy food outside. Maybe I’ll just buy something along the way.

What should I wear? Should I wear something formal or casual since I’ll be going to the hospital, meeting a doctor for a medical certificate, and then heading to an interview?

Should I bring my car? Probably not, because parking will be a hassle, driving will drain me, and it will be easier to use Angkas or public transportation.

Will I pass the interview without any preparation?

My mind isn’t working properly anymore. I’ll just watch a show until I feel sleepy again.

[knightofameris]

hi ames !! long time no see!

was just thinking about you :] i don’t even know if you’re going to see this or respond to this, i scrounged around to find your blog cause i think you changed your url? if i’m not mistaken? sorry if i’m wrong! it’s been a long two years and life’s been really really busy. it really catches up to you, huh?

if you do respond to this, do let me know how you are! i really loved talking to you back then, more than you know :’) how’s everything going for you? what are your interests now?

oh yeah! i still think about that haikyuu fic you once recommended me KWNDWKDJ the fly high, baby! one. i came across it the other day and thought of you—maybe that’s why i’m doing this, heh. anyways i hope you’re doing well and that you’re drinking water and making sure your pillow is cool at night :)

see you around, lovely!

<3🧸

sent in April 5th 2023

Oh my god I’ve missed you! And everyone for that matter. I just thought what the hell I’ll check my inbox for fun. I finally logged into tumblr after a long time. I’ve definitely changed my pfp from haikyuu to genshin but I don’t recall changing my URL! (I’m not even that obsessed with genshin anymore lol)

It really has been a long two years… I’ll be 23 in less than a month and it’s crazy I started this blog at 19. If you see this my lovely teddy bear anon, I hope you also tell me how you’ve been!

The last two years was a blast, I moved out, worked, paid my own way through college and rent. I graduated, granted it took five years but I did take a bit off from university! And I am more than thankful. I’m still looking for a job, I’ve since moved home but my parents can no longer hold anything against me now. I might switch career paths from what I studied but I’ll stick to what I did for at least 3 years for now. I have a boyfriend of one year (plus two months!) now and he absolutely adores when I gush about my fandoms and theories. Vice versa when he talks about his interests (mainly video games and the best I can explain which is STONKS but like for CSGO [at least currently]). Literally he’s a man written by a woman that came out of my fanfic dreams. Oh and we play games with each other sometimes and watch all the anime xD

During the past two years I was pretty burnt out I had no obsession which made me extra espresso depresso. But I’m on medication and doing a lot better that I’m able to once again be obsessed with a fandom (main: one piece. Secondary: Honkai star rail).

And that’s the tldr! Adulthood sucks but my friends and I still text and catch up when we can. And my boyfriend lives about 30 minutes away which isn’t too bad for me :3 (pre moving back home and even now that I’m back home xD)

I think about fly high baby sometimes… I still have yet to reread it cus DAMN did that hit me in the feels.

I hope you’re doing well too. I hope life is treating you in the way it should! If you see this, pls let me know how you’re doing!!! I really do think about everyone’s whose paths have crossed with mine during this journey.

Sleep well <3