#I see vampire Dick and I cringe

[whalehouse1]

Someone: I have an AU.

Me: Interesting.

Them: It’s a vampire AU.

Me: Flashbacks to DC vs Vampires: G-go-good for you.

[sheepinthebigcity]

you know what. let's make a poll with some of the nominated women that weren't valid nominations bc i like a lot of them and all them were beaten to the punch by sexymen...

All of these women were not eligible to be nominated because someone from their show was already on sexypedia, meaning the role of sexyperson was taken.

If you'd like to nominate someone GO HERE! Make sure to read the rules! I'm looking for some really obscure characters for this one!!!

Propaganda under the cut, of course!!!

Aviva Corvicado (Beaten out by Zach Varmitech): "Her inventions were so cool... literally everyone on the tortuga would be absolutely fucked without her. She's so badass. She could beat any of the other characters in a fight."

Ms. Bellum (Beaten out by HIM, Ace, Professor Utonium, and Dick Hardly): "She is sexy herself. She's the brains behind the man. She's got legs for days. Somehow, never seeing her face makes her even SEXIER."

Spider (Beaten out by Centipede): "If this thing is getting scorned by the furry/vampire enthusiast/milf enthusiast website I'll eat my hat. Her boyfriend is even on sexypedia while she somehow isn't. She's even Fr*nch."

Splatter Phoenix (Beaten out by Quackerjack, Darkwing Duck, Negaduck, and Steelbeak): "She's a punk artist with dyed hair, a leather jacket and big boots. Tumblr loves that! She's also made of paint which is cool. She can turn anything she paints alive or change the real world by painting it. She was one of few returning villains in the show (she got two episodes instead of one like most characters). She is a villain as well and one of the more successful ones. I just think she's really cool okay"

Maddie Fenton (Beaten out by Vlad Masters): "first milf i ever loved 😭😢"

Carmen Sandiego (Beaten out by Mime Bomb): "she is cool, hot, succeeds in taking down a criminal organization and can be a little cringe at times i love her"

Catherine (Beaten out by Judgment Boy, Hell's Chef, and Dr. Fritz) and Dora Smarmy (Beaten out by Sketch and Jumpin' Johnny Jumble) have no propaganda.

[cryptidvillage]

Bullying Remmick Series, Part 2:

The Not Good, Very Bad Blind Date

Author’s note: People seemed to really like the first one I put out, so I’m delivering another one and I want to make a series out of bullying Remmick. Except this time, I poured more love into something via my laptop and Microsoft Word versus just pulling it out of my ass on my phone's notes app on a whim. We all need our regular dose of making fun of a 1300 year old Irish vampire who doesn’t have a lick of sense. This is a modern setting, and it reflects some of my personal experiences in the dating realm. I hope that I was able to make Remmick as cringe and embarrassing as possible. Happy reading!

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Dating in general nowadays was an all-out horror movie. The route that most young people seemed to resort to when seeking out a potential mate was online, but that can be ripe with dangers of all shapes and sizes. Tinder houses cheaters, catfishers, potential serial killers, and the like. Hinge? A cesspool for men who were pseudoliberal bags of dicks that make themselves sound like promising feminists, but turn out to be raging lovebombers who "aren't ready for commitment." When it came to women, you often found that maybe you'd get a reply once or twice, or even get as far as to making plans, only to never hear from them again, as though they were ghosts lost at sea. It hurt your heart. And everyone seemed too afraid to approach in person. Must be something in the water, you thought.

You had taken a vow to lay off of dating for a while. There certainly isn't anything wrong with pouring love and care into yourself. Besides, you only seemed to pile other peoples' dating horror stories on top of your own. Life was so much more peaceful when you didn't center yourself around finding a potential partner. The event that made you swear off dating for an extended period of time was when you had a man come over for a second date. Bad mistake on your part, you admitted to yourself. He took far longer than he said he would, even though he was only fifteen minutes away (how the hell does a fifteen minute commute turn into nearly two hours, you would never understand), and when he finally arrived, it was then he revealed to you that he had pinkeye. "I still worked today at my restaurant job," he told you. You then told his ass to turn right back around. The ick from the encounter was impeccable and it was nearly enough for you to become a nun. You still shuddered even thinking about it.

Lately, though, you had been warming up to the idea of putting yourself out there again. Maybe it was all the cheesy romance novels you had been reading, or movies, or seeing your friends with their significant others. You felt the pull of want, of exploring the dating world once more and feeling out your options. Humans are social creatures. You were still young and vibrant. The world was still your oyster yet. Part of your standards were that you'd make more of an effort to seek out partners organically. Although possible, it was rare to find a good mate through online dating. As previously mentioned, dating sites were...highly questionable at best. You didn't want another incident of The Pinkeye Guy.

You heard from many a source that most people met their mates through friends, school, or work. You chose the first option: Stack and Mary had been together for quite some time. You had described to them your woes of wanting to get out into the dating scene again. "Oh, we know a guy," Mary said with a sly grin while her gaze slid over to her partner. "His name's Remmick, and he's like us. A night owl. And he’s a little bit of a lonely guy, but he makes for some sure interestin' company," Stack affirmed.

Given that your pair of friends were of the nightowl variety themselves, and had some peculiar habits, you figured they knew some eccentric folks. Despite your better judgement, you agreed. Sometimes, “interesting” wasn’t all too bad, if done in the right spirit. And you couldn’t be too judgmental for Stack having described his friend as “lonely,” as that would have been hypocritical on your part. You just hoped this guy they mentioned, for the sake of your sanity, wasn't...too interesting. That’s how you got freaks (derogatory) and serial killers. If you were in The Good Timeline, you would have consulted a more mature couple like Smoke and Annie first. They would never have set you up with the specimen known as "Remmick." Hell, they probably would have made sure you never came into near proximity of the man. Maybe they'd have gotten you a restraining order before you had the chance to even meet him. But, as fate would have it, it was not how things would play out.

Mary had given you this man’s contact information, while Stack set up the time and location of the date: a dive bar downtown called The Crossroads, Friday, at 8PM sharp. The only way to contact this man was through email: Yahoo. Only being available via an older email seemed to be the mark of an unhinged college English professor, but maybe, this man just wanted to be overall unreachable. You couldn’t find him on social media, for one, through your mutual friends’ profiles (side bar: Stack and Mary were arguably very attractive people, and you found it odd that they never had pictures of themselves up…only picrews and bitmojis. To each their own.). Sometimes, people just wanted to be off the grid. It either meant that they genuinely wanted to connect with others through more meaningful methods, or they were the embodiment of another true crime docuseries waiting to happen. The thought of him being able to look you up on social media, but you not being able to do the same for him, was more than a bit unnerving. To be on the safe side, you used your email that you had retained from middle school: unicornspacerainbows456@gmail.com.

You sucked in a deep breath and went into your gmail app. You hit new mail, and typed in “remmick@yahoo.com” into the receiver column. You titled it simply, “Blind Date,” and introduced yourself by name, writing out the following message:

I’ve never been on a blind date before, but I gotta say I’m excited about this. I’m looking forward to meeting you in a couple days! I think this’ll be fun. Hope to hear from you soon.😊

WED 7:15PM EST

After signing with your name and pressing send, you sighed and prepared to put your phone back down when it buzzed with a notification. You checked to see what it was, and you had already gotten a response from remmick@yahoo.com. That was quick. Curious, you opened your email to see the content:

FEELING IS MUTUAL. DIVE BARS ARE NICE. I TRUST STACK’S JUDGMENT.

REMMICK

WED 7:16 EST

SENT FROM MY ANDROID

Your eyes widened as you read the violently all-caps message, overwhelmed by the large letters loudly barking at you through pixels and phone glass. Why is he yelling? Shrugging, you put your phone back down, pursing your lips in thought. Some people really have their quirks. Maybe he’s compensating for—nevermind. You opted to not respond, instead making yourself a nice dinner that evening.

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Friday came sooner than you had anticipated. You did your makeup and styled your hair to your heart’s content, choosing to wear a flattering burgundy dress with classy heels (sure, you were going to a dive bar, but you always had to present yourself elegantly). You had emailed Remmick that you were on your way, and that you were excited to meet him, to which you got another aggressively caps-locked message expressing his enthusiasm in return. Arriving a few minutes early at The Crossroads, you took your perch at the bar. You drummed your fingertips anxiously against the wood of the counter’s surface, nervous about how this evening would go. You checked your phone and glanced around at the other bar patrons, trying to see if you could spot someone you thought you could put the name “Remmick” towards. Your phone buzzed, and you read the email notification:

SUSPENDERS. AT DOOR.

REMMICK

FRI 7:59 EST

SENT FROM MY ANDROID

Turning your head to look over your shoulder, you could see a figure standing in the doorway of the bar. A white man who stood at about 5’8, with short dark brown hair , a little scruff, and the dorkiest suspenders you’ve ever seen. His fashion reminded you a bit of the 1930s working class. Nothing wrong with some period wear. You smiled and waved, to which he returned a large, wolfish smirk with an awkward little wave. He stood there at the door, unmoving, still grinning at you. Your smile faltered when he didn’t simply step forward and join the seat next to you at the bar. The hell is he standing there for? Brows furrowing, you gestured to the seat next to you. He still continued to stand in the doorway, stupidly grinning. You felt yourself grimace, sucking a sharp breath in through your teeth. This encounter was already starting to feel quite graceless. You rose from the stool where you were seated, walking to where your date stood, folding your arms over yourself. Giving you an eager nod of his head to greet you, Remmick asked, “May I come in?”

You bit your lip as your eyebrows knitted together further, a soft scoff erupting from you. One corner of your mouth tugged upwards. “Why do you need to ask me? This is a public place. Anyone can come in, silly,” you replied. Remmick still held his awkward, leaning on creepy grin, nodding at you as he leaned an arm against the door frame. “But may I come in, please?” he asked, his grey eyes looking at you hopefully.

You’re a grown ass man and you can’t walk into a bar without someone telling you it’s okay for you to do so. I’m a little embarrassed for you. You briefly thought about just flat out telling him no, just to see what would happen. But you weren’t feeling that mean…yet.

You let out a nervous laugh which you hoped was masked, unfolding your arms and gently slapping your sides with your hands. “Uh, sure, come on in. You, specifically, the dude in the suspenders.” His smile seemed to widen impossibly, and he let his arm rest at his side as he stepped through the entrance. He reached out his hand to shake yours, and you noted that he had rough, calloused hands that still had dirt caking underneath the nails. “Name’s Remmick,” he spoke matter-of-fact. “I figured,” you laughed, still dripping with nervousness while you gave him your name. You did your best to keep your composure, but the grime of his hands and the awkward greeting made you cringe. What the hell is he doing, crawling out of dirt holes? He has the manners of someone who does. You cleared your throat, more so for yourself to shake your thoughts. Don’t judge lest ye be judged, or something like that.   

The pair of you take a seat at the bar, you settling into your previous bar stool while your date clumsily scrambled onto the spot next to yours. It reminded you of the way small dogs tried to jump up onto chairs and tables in order to feel tall. Usually it would be cute, but in this instance of a white guy who appeared to be in his mid-thirties doing it, you found it lacking in charm and rather disconcerting. You forced a small smile at him, really trying to give him a chance but his awkwardness made it damn near impossible.

He waved the bartender down, and ordered two glasses of merlot. Humming, you told him he had classy taste. “Anything for a classy human like yourself,” he replies, smirking lazily. He probably meant it in a silly and flirtatious manner, but the way it came out made it sound like he was something waltzing around in a man-shaped suit. You wouldn’t be surprised if Remmick was actually just three and a half raccoons in a pair of suspenders. More like two and a half, given his stature. Maybe that’s a little generous for him. The glasses of merlot arrive shortly after, and the two of you clink your drinks together. “To a blind date,” you toast before taking a generous sip of the deep red liquid. I can’t be completely sober for this, with the way things are already going, you thought. No, don’t get drunk with this man the first time you meet him, but get a little buzzed to take the edge off. You set your glass down, and notice he’s still swirling his drink in his hand, having not taken a sip himself.

“Aren’t you gonna drink to the toast, Remmick?” Better not be trying to pull a fast one on me.

“I don’t drink…wine.”

Then why the fuck would you order two glasses? I’m sure as hell not drinking both.

“Uh…okay. You the type of guy that just poses with wine to look sophisticated?”  He just returned your question with a creepy leer, saying nothing. You were starting to think this was a mistake. Sighing, you took another sip of your wine.

“Sooo…how do you know Stack and Mary?” you asked, attempting to break the ice. They were the entire reason why the two of you were able to meet in the first place, and given this guy’s more than strange demeanor, you were at least curious to know how they kept his company. Maybe he was one of those people they were only friends with just for the entertainment, not because they actually cared about him. Ouch.

“I know ‘em from the club and music scene,” said Remmick, nodding as remembrance flickered over his features. “More particularly, through Stack’s little cousin, Sammie. I went for his very first breakthrough concert at a predominantly Black venue,” he felt the need to emphasize his following words by drumming his first two knuckles on the hard wood of the bar counter, “I went because I consider myself a damn good ally who believes in equality, fellowship and love,” his eyebrows raised and he bit his grinning lips as he said this, nodding while looking at you to hopefully recognize any semblance of approval on your face (he also stopped himself to gleefully inform you that he very much would have voted for Obama for a third term) (do you want a goddamned medal?), “and by the gods, the guy had talent. His music practically pierced the veil, it was so goddamned terrific. Everyone went crazy for him, myself included. I became so much of a superfan that the feller got a restrainin’ order put against me the same night.”

Well that sure is something you tell someone on a first fucking date.

“Oh, that’s…” you started, slowly nodding your head. He mimicked your movements. It didn't make it any less creepy. “That’s…impressive?” His smile tightened, taking your unsure words as a compliment. “How did you become friends with his big cousin and his girlfriend, then?” “They thought it was right funny,” Remmick answered, grinning. “They won’t let me anywhere near him, oh no, but we share memories of that night.”

You were right. They were friends with him solely for the entertainment value.

“I see.”

Glancing down at your lap as you folded your hands together, you carefully thought over the alarming input Remmick had too voluntarily given about himself. Sure, you’ve been on your fair share of bad dates where the other person shared some rather questionable information about themselves a bit too soon, but admitting to a restraining order was something else. Batman himself couldn’t have pulled that out of you.

“How do you know the pair?” he asked, leaning in a little too close. You subconsciously leaned back from him, letting out a timid echo of a laugh. “Well, I know them through work, would you believe it,” you started, trying to dig into your memories while processing the psychic damage you were briefly dealt. “I’m a phlebotomist, so I get to take needles and draw blood samples from patients into vials, then send ‘em off for the doctors to look at. It’s a fulfilling job.” You noticed, much to your disgust, a thick glob of drool trickling down from the corner of Remmick’s mouth as you discussed your blood-heavy career. Clearing your throat, you gestured at your mouth. “You got a little, uh..” The man sat next to you seemed to be jolted back into the present, and he quickly swiped his mouth with the back of his hand. “Apologies, miss. I just do that sometimes. Got a condition,” he said, the corners of his lips twitching upwards sheepishly.

I’m sure you do.

“Anyways, yeah, I know them through work. I mostly do second shift, but every now and then I’ll pick up thirds. I met ‘em a few times while working third shift, and we hit it off. What I like about them is that Stack is a funny guy with the gift of gab, and Mary is an it girl who knows what she wants and how to carry herself. They always seemed to be in the lab though, filtering through samples. Never saw them out on the floor. Funny how you can only seem to find your coworkers in specific places, no matter what, right?”  The more you thought about your recollection of knowing Stack and Mary as it left your mouth, the more strange it seemed. Maybe they had pretended to work at the hospital in order to gain access to vials of patient blood, for whatever reason that may have been. Who knew, in this day and age.

You winced when you noticed more drool gathering on Remmick’s chin, trying not to gag. Maybe it was a neurological condition he had, given his surpassingly odd etiquette as a human being (if he even was one). Or maybe, the thought of blood just made him salivate, because he was a fucking weirdo. “Enough about my job, what do you do?” you asked, trying to pry more into him, even though the possibility of receiving more psychological whiplash would greatly increase. Much too proudly, Remmick revealed that he was a local musician. Great. One of those. You found yourself nursing your good friend merlot once more. It was the only saving grace of this godforsaken date.

“That’s neat,” you smiled, pretending to be interested. “What instrument do you play?”

Maybe it was the wine, but for a brief moment, you did consider sex. He wasn’t bad on the eyes, no, but it could only go one of two ways. The first scenario that played out, you’d be in the middle of the act when you’d think to yourself, “I could be a turtle having more fun with a shoe in someone’s back yard right now.” He was awkward enough that he had the potential for bad sex, and bad sex had the potential to build character. But, unfortunately, it tends to drain more than it builds. The other option was that it would be a mind-blowing sexual adventure for the books, given that he was a musician—lord knows the all too experienced whores that musicians often are. But, consequently, you’d get violently ill and be diagnosed with a new STD that no physician has yet seen. The only upside would be that you’d get to have a disease named after yourself while on your death bed. The dreadful visions were enough to rip you out of any further consideration.

“I play the banjo,” Remmick replied, his eyes twinkling. If the scenarios in your head about the doomed sex outcomes were already enough to turn you off, then you were drier than the goddamned Mojave at his choice of instrument. As you listened to him ramble about every song he could play the banjo on, your gaze caught a sharp, gold glint from his left hand. Eyes widening in horror, you sat straight up while glancing between him and the wedding band that adorned his ring finger. Stack and Mary said nothing about this. What the hell kind of people were they, setting their friend up with a married man? “Excuse me, Remmick?” you interjected, speaking with a louder and clearer tone. All effects of the alcohol seemed to be sobered right out of your system.

He paused, following your highly disconcerted stare to the wedding band. “Oh,” he laughed, lifting up his hand and motioning it front to back. “You worried about this lil’ ol’ thing?” he asked, folding down all fingers except for his ring finger. At first glance, it would look like he was flipping you off—given his eccentricities, you were half expecting him to. Why wouldn’t he? He was, derogatorily, a weird little freak. Another frightening factor to the dating pool was the anxiety of going out with, sleeping with, and forming a deep emotional connection to a man who was not only in a relationship, but fucking married; and not only married, but married with an entire family.

Yes, I’m fucking worried. I can’t believe I haven’t noticed the little fucker until now.  

“I may not be a perfect person, but I highly renounce extramarital affairs,” you asserted, seconds away from giving him an old-fashioned Irish goodbye, raising your left hand to emphasize your point. “Explain.” Men like him “explaining” themselves were more often than not just full of shit-stained excuses that made you lose brain cells with every passing minute, and precious time that you will never get back because you took the time to listen to them waste oxygen.

He let out a breathy laugh, nodding at you. “Yer a lady with standards, I respect that,” he drawled, drumming his fingers on the counter surface. “Well, I ain’t a married man, not anymore,” a look of forlorn sadness sagged his increasingly punchable features, “my wife passed away, a long time ago.”

You felt a soft sting of guilt briefly hit you. You couldn’t imagine the loss of a spouse—the love of your life, gone and never to have shared joy with again. Internally, though, you shook your head. No, don’t fall for a sob story on the first date, you told yourself. Men lie all the time. You then wondered if Remmick was possibly divorced—no, no, it was the most likely scenario. He was pathetic enough to have the papers terminating their marriage handed to him by his ex wife, and his coping mechanism was to tell everyone that she died. Not that it would make the ring situation any better, but he did give you the energy of a youth group pastor that was dealing with a divorce and was struggling to play it cool.

“I’m sorry to hear that. Must be hard.”

“It is, but you know, it’s okay,” he beamed, reaching over and clasping your hands in his (you felt like your hands were a wrongfully convicted man while his were Guantanamo Bay), “because you are actually so much like her. Forgive me for saying this, but you remind me of her in every possible way.”

Oh no.

Oh no.

Oh no.

Talking about your ex on the first damned date was bad enough, but going as far to tell the person you’re on a date with that they remind you of your ex was diabolical. You could see flashes of The Red Flag Guy running circles in the back of your head. This could not get any further downhill. But oh, it could. It can always get worse. And it surely did.

Forcing a grin, you pulled your hands away from his. “Tell me more about your music,” you deflected, not appreciating being compared to a woman who likely had a few books’ worth of dirt on this man. “Oh, yes! Did I mention that I’m also in a band? My two other bandmates are Joan and Bert, a married couple. Joan plays the fiddle and Bert the guitar. They actually used to be in the KKK, with white hoods and everything, but I was able to lobotomize them out of it. Fellowship and love!” This new bit of information made your brain short circuit. It’s like this guy wanted the Nobel Peace Prize or something. You were sure as hell not going to be the one to grant it to him.

Between that and the restraining order that Stack’s cousin Sammie had gotten against Remmick, it all seemed to check out quite well. Once again, this was information that Batman could not have beaten out of you. Awkward behavior at the threshold of the bar; almost immediately admitting to a restraining order; drooling like a dog every time you talked about your job where you work with blood; the scenarios of ill-fated sexual encounters playing out in your imagination; him playing the banjo; the wedding ring; talking about his goddamn ex-wife and comparing you to his goddamn ex-wife; being close bandmates with two former KKK members (what the fuck do you mean lobotomize)—it was all too fucking much. All of it was overwhelming psychological warfare, an onslaught on your poor brain. The man had to be some kind of psychic vampire, draining you of your brain cells (you were partly right). The date could not end faster.

Remmick was trying to show you his band’s Spotify on his phone (so yes, he technically did have social media other than his Yahoo email, but it was still obscure as fuck and maybe had three listeners monthly at best) and attempting to play the first track on their album entitled, “Kindness is Family” when you evacuated the premises. Even though you were wearing heels, you impressively managed to run in them and escape the date from hell. Remmick called after you as he stumbled in pursuit, and you could hear him pleading trying to garner your attention. You weren’t having it, your heels furiously clicking down the street as you made your way to your car. Your annoying date grabbed your arm from behind, yanking you back. He had terrifyingly extraordinary speed. While he started to berate you that his band’s music was damn near perfect and you were being incredibly rude walking out on “true art,” an older man dragging a food cart happened to walk up to the pair of you. “Pickled garlic! Do you want to try a sample?” he offered, his face wrinkling with optimism as he held up a jar of garlic cloves dancing around in juice. Your mind was almost in an animalistic place, grasping onto any and all methods of getting this creep the hell out of your hair. You had to outdo him, you had to out-freak the freak by any means necessary. Remmick’s suddenly trembling and fearful voice letting out a “no, thank you” was drowned out by your scheming thoughts.

Desperate, you swiped the bottle from the older gentleman and screwed the lid off with adrenaline-filled intent. You took a swig, the bitterness of the cloves and pickled liquid swirling in your mouth and burning your senses. You then made like an alpaca and spat it all out at Remmick, spit and juice and garlic cloves firing at him like a cannon ball during war.

You were expecting him to curse and flail his arms in the air.

You were not expecting him to burn like you threw acid on him.

Remmick shrieked, the skin on his face melting and peeling from the impact of the garlic. As he cried out in pain, both you and the old man bore witness to rows of pointed fangs protruding from his open mouth. They were old and grey and cracked, but nonetheless terrible. Exchanging a petrified glance with the senior citizen beside you, you threw the rest of the jar of pickled garlic at the monstrosity before taking flight to where your car was parked. Everything was moving so fast that you hadn’t realized that you’d grabbed the old man by the arm and pulled him into the vehicle with you, but even though he wasn’t the one that went on the date with Remmick, he needed to get the hell out of there too.    

Drive. That’s all your mentality screamed at you to do.

You sped down the street and into the night, putting as much distance between yourself and the freak that turned out to be a goddamned vampire as possible. Your mind was racing as you processed everything that had transpired. It was almost numbing. No amount of alcohol or therapy would ever make this okay, and maybe you needed to discard your friendship with Stack and Mary for setting you up with the man who was such an affront to all things natural (did you do something to piss them off in order to warrant this? Or was this a game to them?). You almost didn’t hear the poor old man beside you confess to having pissed himself from the encounter, and that he was so sorry for the smell in your car.

Maybe the nunnery wasn’t such a bad idea after all.    

[katz-rambles]

Hi can I request damon salvatore dating hcs?

I JUST SCREAMED OML! My first TVD request 💓💓💓

I'm only on the 3rd season, so I'm not super familiar with his whole character, so I apologize if his ooc.

(fluff, gn!reader, this is a bit short, sorry anon, blood mentioned, marking, I think this is it!)

˚₊‧꒰ა ☆ ໒꒱ ‧₊˚˚₊‧꒰ა ☆ ໒꒱ ‧₊˚˚₊‧꒰ა ☆ ໒꒱ ‧₊˚˚₊‧꒰

• Okay, so from what I know.. he can be a bit of a dick, even to the people he cares about. But he tries.

• He would actually do anything for you. You need someone dead, done. You've run out of something, he's already at the store just tell him what you need. He's whipped for you.

• He'll be super soft with you, though. Like, breakfast in bed soft.

• If you're human, you know he's putting vervain in everything and making sure he finds you a good ring so he won't lose you too soon. If you're a vampire, you're in for a wild ride. He's still head over heels for you, but imagine this, you're a vampire, and you're both starving. Take a normal dinner date and turn it. You'll both be out snacking on whoever you can find, and he loves it.

• He gets so possessive over you, not an unbearable amount, but enough that everyone knows you're off limits.

• Speaking of possessiveness, if you're a human and let him, he will gladly bite you. Not enough to drink your blood if you don't want him too, but enough to leave a nice mark so everyone knows your his. He loves seeing them scattered along your pretty body.

• If you're a human and a little weird, in a good way, I promise and later in your relationship offer him your blood. He might just get on one knee and marry you right then. He's super careful about it and might even let you bite him back, he just likes to watch you cringe if you bite a little too deep and break his skin.

• Obviously, he's not going to compell you for anything. No, this is pure love between the both of you, hopefully.

• He likes to take you out and buy (or steal) the most expensive things he can for you. He's a show off. (He might also borrow/steal Stefans old porshe and take you for a nice drive.)

• His phone is full of pictures of you two, mainly just you, though. He might even make one of them his wallpaper. He's just so in love with you.

• Overall, you two probably have an amazing relationship, vampire or not, he loves you all the same. He will make an amazing boyfriend, and hopefully husband.

[just-an-enby-lemon]

I like to think that the D&Dads fanfic episode is cannon in some alt verse of BG3.

My favorite takes are either at some point still mid game Astarion sneaked away from the party and somehow became the judge of a local talent show, failed in seducing a random innjuried dad that just poped up but got permission to eat his blood cause Darly was peer pressured by his friends and orphanages (?), look Astarion does not get it but the blood was great and choose a cringe teenager doing a horrible impression of him as the winner because he was too high on blood to care.

Later when the party does all get to the city they all see a statue of said cringe teenager dressed as what seems to be the worst Astarion cosplay possible. Not even Astarion knows why.

Or because he was mentioned as a vampire not a spawn, this is a reality where Ascended Astarion is not a dick and instead of being a huge powerfull Lord with unhealthy relationships he goes around doing stupid shit like judge talent shows. Just the chillest vampire ever.

[dollwrites]

𝗰𝗼𝗻𝘁𝗲𝗻𝘁 𝘄𝗮𝗿𝗻𝗶𝗻𝗴𝘀 ∣ smut ( minors dni ), fem!reader, heavy noncon, abuse and injuries, threats of violence against reader in detail, graphic depictions of blood, foot fucking, all characters featured are aged 18+

𝗶𝗺𝗽𝗼𝗿𝘁𝗮𝗻𝘁 ∣ please reblog && leave feedback. not proofread so there’s probably mistakes. thanks for reading < 3

𝗸𝗶𝗻𝗸𝘁𝗼𝗯𝗲𝗿 𝟮𝟬𝟮𝟯 ∣ day twenty-six [ jan valentine + foot fucking ]

the last dime-shaped burn was still sizzling on your flesh, a faint gray stream curling up from your ankle as your bare feet rub against his lap. your skin was already littered with marks— bruises, cuts, burns. dozens of them. a staggering reminder, most of which would permanently marr your visage, that you were at the vampire’s mercy.

“You know what you are now, don’tcha?” his smirk was wide and toothy, twisting his ragged features into a chilling sight to behold. the gold hoops in his lower lips glint as he speaks, catching what little bit of light still held from the flickering, broken bulb that hung from the ceiling. you were grateful that your surroundings were mostly concealed in darkness, but you could smell the carnage. all the blood and gun smoke. the stench of the death of your friends and coworkers that lingered in the hallways. you were humiliated enough when you couldn’t even fight back, but the fact that Jan Valentine hadn’t even bothered to kill you yet, and instead had played with you, was even worse. treating you like a child’s doll, he left his marks on you, and pretzeled you into whatever position he wanted to torture you in next, and you could do nothing to stop it. unlike your stronger and more courageous comrades, who’d fought to their demise, you were left for the vampires to do with as they pleased. you sniffle, but the tears had mostly dried on your face, and look up at him with big, scared eyes. you’d already learnt better than to beg him for mercy, if your busted lip was an indication. Jan grinned wider, cocked his head to the side, and snickered. “You’re my little fuckslut now.” his razor’s edge fangs were stained red. with whose blood? you didn’t want to know. “A piece of meat, for me to carve up however the fuck I want to.”

you flinch at that, and push your trembling toes against his cock more fervently, allowing the entire sole of your soft foot to massage the rigid veins. he seems harder now that he’s describing cutting you.

“Thinking about making you bleed some more is making me hard, fuck.” Jan hisses, malevolently, as he reaches for you. one, rough grip takes hold of the hair at your scalp, and you cry out, closing your eyes tightly as he jerks you closer. “I think that’s what I’ll do. Make you a real prime cut of fuckmeat. Take away any part of you that wants to tell me no, or fight back, and leave only the places I can stick my dick untouched. What do you say? Want me to cut you?”

you shake your head, whimpering a nearly incoherent babble of no’s and god no’s.

“Then you better make every limb that that you want to keep useful, because only the parts of you that I can fuck interest me.” his threat spurs you, and you whimper, rubbing your soles against his cock with more urgency. you had a feeling he wasn’t bluffing, and that the sick bastard would actually cut your feet off if you didn’t make them useful to him. and that meant servicing him. “Keep going,” Jan grinned like the devil, jutting his hips forward as the toe of his heavy boot taps against the floor. “Wanna see my dick between your feet. Make it feel as good as a pussy, and I’ll letcha keep ‘em once I’ve shot my load on ‘em.”

you physically cringe and recoil at his words— they were so vulgar. but, you do as instructed and clamp your feet together, creating a tight gap for his cock to slide into, and you pump them up and down, your motions awkward and erratic, lacking skill. after all, you’ve never had to do this for anyone before. but you got the feeling this wouldn’t be the last time you were forced to do this for him.

“You’re gettin’ it.” Jan grunted in mild approval, and launched a wad of spit into his own lap. it soaked your feet, and you had no choice but to smear it over his twitching, swollen cock as they stroked it. your eyes flit to the sight of your disgraced, bruised feet and then away, humiliated and ashamed. Jan laughs, a loud and raspy cackle, stomping one foot close to you. “What, you still shy?” he taunts, menacing and cruel. “Stupid bitch, I’m not even close to being done here. You better get used to watching me fuck every part of ya, and show some gratitude for my choice to keep you alive while I do it.”

[scrapsovereign]

Kinktober Day 18 - Body Worship

Prompt List

Word Count: 3.1k - ish (I swear I didn't intend for it to be this long)

Pairing: Fat Female Reader/OC x Ascended Astarion

Rating: Explicit

Additional tags: Astarion is kinda soft but also kind of a dick, internalized fatphobia, maybe some feeding....maybe???, slavery, masturbation, is it body worship if HE makes YOU do the praising?, vampires love fat girls those are the rules and I didn't make them up

This work is HEAVILY inspired by “A Night With The Ascendant” by PursuitsEternal, the brain rot set in when I started to daydream about what it would be like to be Astarion’s pleasure slave and it never let go

(posted with LITERAL MINUTES to go before 12am PST bahahahhaahha)

“Come along now, don’t dawdle, girl. Let’s not keep the master waiting.”

You barely register the raven-haired man’s clipped words. Your feet covered in silk slippers pad along the cool marble floors, calves aching as you try to keep up with his pace. The attire (if it could be called that) of fine gold chains and gossamer chafes and stimulates the sensitive parts of you underneath the beautiful, buttery silk robe that covers it as you move along. 

He leads you through a labyrinth of hallways that twist and turn, some in various stages of renovation and repair. While great care has been taken to preserve the craftsmanship of the halls, the decor is significantly different from one area to the next. Rich burgundy and mahogany are replaced with ivory and gold, heavy velvet window treatments to block out the sun being replaced by airy chiffon. 

Not at all how you’d expected the place to look.

The act of assessing your surroundings as you walk swiftly behind the pale, raven-haired man quickly drains your energy reserves. Your head spins as you reach a set of doors at which he turns around to face and address you. 

“You are to address the master as ‘master’ or ‘my lord’. Do not speak unless you are spoken to. If you displease him, you risk the fate of your mortal life ending in a giant bloody puddle on the floors. I advise against this, as this was the fate of your predecessor and I don’t much feel like cleaning up that sort of mess again. When your time here is done, you will exit these doors and wait for someone to collect you and bring you back to your room. Am I understood?”

“Yes,” you lie, struggling to keep yourself upright. 

He grunts in approval, turning to knock a pattern on the set of doors, the anticipation of what’s behind them making your empty stomach lurch. 

“Enter.”

You are hardly given a moment to collect yourself and take a steadying breath before you are thrust in front of him. He follows closely behind you as you make your way to a  desk before a panel of glass windows, the sheer curtains ruffling gently in the midday breeze. 

An elf with attractively mussed silver curls peers down through reading glasses at a large, musty tome- one of many crowding the surface of his desk. He scribbles furiously with his quill on a scroll you cannot see, stopping only once to refresh the implement with ink before he continues. He worries the corner of his lower lip gently with an elongated canine, hunching over to squint as he re-reviews the passage in the ancient book before him. 

“The girl you summoned, my lord.”

He gives you a cursory glance of bored indifference before he freezes, slowly trailing his crimson gaze up your curves to really, fully take you in. 

Your eyes meet with his for only a moment before you remember yourself, looking down obediently to the floor. 

Away from the face of the most beautiful man you’ve ever seen.

You jump at the sound of the book being slammed shut, cringe at the forceful exhale made through his nose as he rises from his desk. Adrenaline sets your heart hammering in your ears, your senses made sharp once again. He makes his way over to you and you flinch where you stand, using every last bit of your willpower to stay still as he raises his elegant, manicured hand. 

Not to strike your face, but to caress it. 

“Gods below us, what have you done to her?” he snarls at the raven-haired man. 

“She was…larger than described, so I thought to lean her out a bit before she was presented to you,” he sputters, his voice thin and reedy. 

The hands that hold your face in his tender grasp are warm- similar to the sunlight that streams in through the room’s large, open glass windows. 

“I never ordered this,” the elf snaps, brushing a thumb over your cheek. “Tell me darling, when was your last meal? What did they serve you?”

“Last night- a few bites of roast chicken and a handful of vegetables…my lord,” you add quickly, your face heating with shame at almost forgetting to address him properly. 

He scoffs, the displeasure radiating off of him in waves as he inspects you. 

His touch, however, remains gentle. 

“Hardly enough to sustain one’s self. For how long?”

You look up at the raven-haired man again, seeing the sweat that is starting to form on his brow. “Since I arrived a tenday ago, my lord. The same meal, once every day.”

The elf’s jaw twitches in response.

“I see. We should still have the dried, smoked tuna and the salted salmon in our stores,” the elf states, removing his glasses and placing them on the desk with care. “Do you remember the dish that…he would prepare for our mortal guests when they were ill? Have the kitchens prepare it and send one of the staff to bring it to us.”

“It will be done, my lord.”

“Oh, and Dufay?”

“Yes, my lord?”

“Your meals shall be limited to one goblet, once per day for a tenday. Starting now-”

“Master, I-”

“Starting. Now,” the elf growls, and you swear that you see his red eyes glow…though you might be hallucinating in your hunger. “Pick your jaw up off the floor, and begone from my sight before I change my mind.”

The raven-haired man gives a single bow from the hinge of his hips to acknowledge his orders. He disappears from sight, as quiet as a whisper of smoke. 

Your heartbeat begins to race as you realize you’re now alone…with him. 

The man that had chosen you as homage in place of coin or crops from his lands. The man that, according to Dufay, had reduced the person brought to him before you to nothing more than viscera and blood. The man who was rumored to be the only and first day-walking vampire, his powers bought and paid for with the sacrifice of 7000 tortured souls. 

“He’s lucky that I need him to run the damned place, and between us I think he knows it,” he confides in you, the warmth of his hand moving down to the column of your throat to rest on your pulse. “On to more pleasant matters. What’s your name, pet?”

You almost don’t say it, and when you do, it comes out as a trembling whisper.

He repeats your name, his velvety drawl wrapping around you in a cocoon that soothes your ragged nerves. 

“Pretty,” he comments with a cock of his head to the side, pulling his hand away. Your chest aches at the loss of his touch, the world seeming a little less bright as he distances himself from you, setting himself down in a plush chair by the fireplace. 

“Come to me.”

You move obediently towards him, your legs wobbling like a newborn fawn with every step forward. A dull headache sets in as you ponder what’s going to happen next. If any of the tales you’ve heard are true, your fate has been sealed as a lamb sent to slaughter. You make up your mind to endure the last few moments of your life peacefully- with what dignity you have left after you’d been isolated, starved, then dressed up and trotted out before him.

He giggles then, the high-pitched sound of his odd laughter piercing your chest. 

“Poor darling. I suppose you’ve heard all sorts of stories about me, haven’t you?” he inquires, reaching out to gather your hand in his. Your heart soars with his touch, filling with that addictive, intoxicating warmth. He guides you into his lap and nestles his head against your breast, sighing with contentment. “What’s the thing that’s shocked you the most?”

Oddly enough, it’s not the fact that he could be a vampire. It was an open secret that the lord that previously held these lands was one himself. 

No, there’s another fact that’s sitting at the front of your mind, something far more personal.

“That you would agree to accept me as tribute.”

A young tiefling woman appears then, silent as a ghost as she sets a side table before you. She catches you staring at her as she sets the table and winks at you, revealing a bowl of steamed rice with bits of pink salmon over the top. She pours a honey-colored liquid into it from a teapot, setting it down and disappearing before you have the thought to thank her. 

The elf reaches over and picks up an oddly-shaped spoon resembling a miniature ladle, gathering a little bit of everything into it before he raises it to his mouth.

Your eyes are drawn to his plush, soft lips, blowing on the contents of the spoon to cool them down. Heat pools low in your belly as you imagine how they would feel on yours, how sweet they might taste. 

“Eat.”

He raises the spoon to your mouth and you consume the strange, delicious contents with hesitation- aren’t you supposed to serve him? Isn’t this supposed to be the other way around?

“This dish is called ochazuke. You could say it’s an old family recipe,” He begins before cooling another spoonful and raising it to your mouth. “Good, no? It should give you some strength back.”

After a few more spoonfuls consumed in tense silence, he speaks again. 

“Why do you believe yourself to be unworthy?” 

You look down to the floor, away from him. 

“My lord, I’m sure that there were prettier-” Your speech is interrupted by the eating utensil shoved in your mouth, not leaving until you swallow its contents down. 

“Any idiot with eyes can see how lovely you are,” he intones harshly. “Try again.”

The compliment goes straight between your legs in spite of its delivery. Your mind races through the fog of lust that threatens to set in, trying to find the best way to hedge around the owlbear in the room. His broad, lean chest has enough width to accommodate you, but isn’t he feeling cramped for space? Aren’t his muscular thighs complaining from having you atop his lap?

You accept the last of the savory and sweet rice dish, your courage returning with your body’s renewed vigor. 

“It is because of my size, my lord.”

He chuckles, leaning forward to politely set the utensil aside, next to the bowl.

“And there it is. I believe you deserve to have a little fun for your honesty, no?” He purrs, ensuring you are gathered in his arms.

“Hold on tight to me, little love.”

You yelp with surprise as your lord stands, lifting you as if you weighed nothing, carrying you out of the room. 

“Where are we going?” You ask impulsively, cringing inwardly when you realize you’ve spoken out of turn. 

“A place where I can teach you a lesson,” he says with a bit of a growl. You bite down on your lower lip, feeling your pussy clench in hopes that it’s the sexy kind. “ Alright then, here we are.”

The double doors in front of you open with a wave of his hand, your lord carrying you over the threshold of one doorway, and through another. The decor of the rooms matches that of the rest of the new renovations, with the elevated staples you’d become accustomed to in your time here. Silken fabrics, plush imported carpets, painstakingly crafted furniture- and you’re guessing that by the size of the innermost room and the presence of the massive, 4-post bed that this is his personal bedroom.

As you near the bed, your legs squeeze together and your clit twitches when you spot the silken fabric tied around the posts. Is this how he’s going to teach you a lesson? By tying you up and having his way with you?

He chuckles then, a low, dark sound of amusement as if he can read your thoughts. “Maybe another day. I have a different activity in mind.”

You enter his wardrobe, a room that is easily the size of your family’s meager home in Tumbledown. He sets you down to stand in front of a large ornate mirror, coming up behind you, pressing the warmth of his body against the thin silks of your robe.

It is then that you notice what is unmistakably his erection pressed against you, poking at the small of your back. 

“We’re going to play a game,” he drawls, the heat of his breath against the nape of your neck making a shiver run through you. “You’ll look upon yourself and name what you like. If you can list at least ten things, I’ll give you a reward of your choosing.”

“Yes, my lord,” you assent, already wondering how bold you can be with your prize.

“Let’s give it a go then, hmm? Untie your robe for me.”

Your trembling fingers hastily undo the knot at the front of the silken robe, resisting the temptation to look away when his deft fingers slide it off your shoulders. 

The sharp inhale from the man behind you and the twitch of his hardness pressing into your back does not go without your notice. 

You meet your own gaze, slowly acknowledging the sinful vision of golden chains and jewels artfully draped around your figure. The deep v neckline of the gathered, gossamer silk gown you wear above the layer of body jewelry splits over each leg high on the hip, teasing a preview of what it hides below. You’d never thought in your wildest dreams you’d wear anything that resembles this. It must be custom-made, the way that it brings attention to the right places, hiding the spots you feel insecure about.

A small smile forms at the corners of your mouth- whoever picked this out knows what they’re doing. 

And If you’re being honest? You’re a little turned on by how sexy you look. 

Your lord takes a deep inhale, as if he’s caught the scent of something addictive in the air. 

“Don’t keep a man waiting,” he leans in, rumbling the words inches away from your ear. “Tell me what you see.”

You start in safer, known waters at first. “I like my eyes, the makeup that the maids put on really brings out the color.”

“And my freckles, even though I used to get teased for them when I was a kid,” you add with defiance, squaring your shoulders, standing a little straighter. 

This pleases your lord, your heart beating a little faster when a smile graces his lips. 

Encouraged by this, you continue. 

“I like…how I look in the dress that’s been chosen for me,” you say, letting the words fall from your lips without a second thought before you have a chance to doubt yourself. “I like the way it shows off my cleavage, it makes me look like I have legs for days.”

“Indeed you do,” he breathes, your ears picking up the sound of fabric rustling behind you. “Go on then, what else?”

“It shows off my arms, which I’ve always liked,” you admit, proud of the strength you’ve built over the years. “And the curve of my calves.”

“And what of the curves that your dress disguises?” He asks, his voice a low, seductive purr. “Take it off.”

The command to fully reveal yourself is the key you need to unshackle the chains of shame that have held you back. You loosen the ties that keep the dress held in place, letting the fabric fall away from you, pooling on the ground at your feet. 

You have three more things to name but many more reveal themselves, a veritable galaxy of discoveries waiting to be called out. 

“I like how shapely my rear is,” you observe, your eyes widening in shock as you feel the warm, velveteen rod that pushes up against it in mutual appreciation. 

“As do I, but I’m quite certain you’re aware of that by now,” he laughs, his amusement giving way to a lusty groan as you feel his cock glide across the curves of your backside. 

You watch the rise and fall of your chest, admiring the shape of your nipples pebbled underneath the gold chains that frame them. You ponder how appropriate it is to mention until you spot him reaching into his coat pocket, opening up a small vial you suspect is lubricant. His kohl-lined eyes squeeze shut in relief as he empties the contents, begins working his arm up and down on his length. 

All decorum has officially left, flown out the window now that he strokes himself, giving you the courage to speak your musings out loud. 

“I like the shape of my nipples,” you declare boldly, a glint in the mirror catching your eye as you speak. 

Following the glimmer, your attention is drawn to the apex of your thighs, stealing your breath away. Your labia is swollen with desire, your cunt dripping clear, slick juices of arousal down your thighs. A whimper escapes from your throat as you see your clit twitch, the enlarged nub begging to be touched- worshiped by the man pleasuring himself from the sight of you- ALL of you. 

“I like how my…” your voice cracks and goes dry- Gods, are you really about to say this out loud? 

“I like how my…pussy looks, wet like this and ready for you, my lord.”

Strong arms grasp at you and whirl you around. He captures your jaw with his thumb and forefinger, forcing your chin up to look at him, to meet his burning ruby gaze.

“I have a suggestion for your reward,” he rasps, his body trembling as he speaks. “I’d like you to watch me lick that delightful cunt of yours clean and make you cum with my mouth and my fingers, and then watch you bounce on my cock in front of the mirror.”

He licks his lips, his eyes fixated on the wetness between your legs. “And by the looks of things, I’d say that's what you want as well.”

“Yes, my lord,” you admit breathlessly, “I can’t think of anything I’d like more.”

“Good.”

His lips mash yours in a hungry, open-mouthed kiss. His tongue thrusts itself forcefully between your lips, and when you submit to him, the sinful moans he sings into your mouth are the sweetest song you’ve ever heard.

A sharp object in his mouth catches the bottom half of your lips, creating a small cut that he noisily sucks at. He wrenches himself away and you whine from the loss of him, leaning forward into the space he previously occupied.

“Ahhh…delicious,” he groans obscenely before pushing you backwards onto a wide tufted bench centered in the mirror’s view, falling to his knees before you. He grasps on to your hips and drags you to the very edge, wrenching your thighs open. 

“One more thing, pet- I want to hear you call out my name when you cum.”

You nod with gusto in response. “Which is, my lord?”

He pauses to give you a rakish, dangerous smile before he leans down to taste you, devour you.

“Astarion.”

[batpham-discord-highlights]

2024 April fools and Anniversary Event Prompt List part 3

See what the event was and it's rule here!

Hero! Prompts:

Hero Kiss King of Gunned Bugs

Damian glared at the front of the classroom, specifically at the teacher in front of the whiteboard. Mr. Nightingale. "Call me Dan, for Ancient's sake," he had told them early in the year, was a curious man. He was one of Gotham Academy's more.... unorthodox teachers, less formal as well. He was a science teacher, and despite the urgings of Admin, he never coached for any of the sports GA offered. He was half certain Nightingale was a villain in his career's infancy. All Damian had to do was stop him.

Hero Owen

"Dick!” Tim shouted out his older brother, cringing at his voice. Well, actually it was Dick’s voice, but his brother decided to be an idiot so it’s going to be his voice for now. “You said to grab it!” Dick shouted back, from his spot inside Jason’s body. “WHY ON EARTH WOULD I SAY TO TOUCH THE GREEN GLOWING OBJECT?!” “I DON’T KNOW!” “GUYS!” Jason screamed. “It doesn’t matter whose fault it is! The fucking problem is that now I’m in Steph’s fucking body and she’s a foot shorter than me!”

Tim Drake is a descendant of an ancient hero known only in modern day as Phantom. What happens when this hero comes back from the dead, possessing is next of kin?

Hero One Spooky Boy

Danny seriously hates the Justice League. He tried calling for help in Amity once, and they completely dismissed it as a prank and didn't even attempt to check it out. Something about knowing how ghosts worked and they didn't work like this. Anyways, the Justice League turned up in Amity Park to investigate the GIW and Danny is not having it.

When Danny dies for the first time, he sees something. A masked city with a caped crusader of the night, and a man with a grotesque grin and green hair holding a crowbar over his head. He doesn't find out until years later that his ghost half is the ghost of Jason Todd, keeping him alive.

Villains! Prompts:

Villain BreKitten

Look. Danny didn't mean to fall through the floor and into the cave underneath Wayne Manor. It just happened! But, well. It wouldn't hurt to take a peek, right? Right. Just a little look around the frankly ginormous cave wouldn't have any consequences at all.

A magic user manages to get down to the Batcave. Luckily, no one is hurt, but a stray spell hits the dinosaur, making it come to life.

Villain Non-Malicious Animalization

Something's out in the Kansas woods. Something dripping green, something defensive.

Gotham rogues quickly learned the rules of aposematism. This has resulted in some parents taking the risk of dressing their kids like Robin. This makes most low-level thugs avoid them, but can be a risk when it comes to the bigger rogues and the batclan itself. (Please feel free to make this an inhuman batfamily AU. Preferably not vampires or something. I like it when vigilantes are their own species. They're territorial.)

Villain Ky

Unfortunately for everyone involved, Jazz is the one who’s put all the actual realms biology stuff together, not danny. So when it comes down to defeating misinformation, Jazz and Phantom team up to give the…. world’s most awkward schoolwide presentation?

If anyone wants to use and post with these prompts the Ao3 collection link is here, or post with #April Fools event 2024

[cringewritinginprocess]

Annoyingly Codependent | Part One.

Summery: Cousins thrown back to a time that both are in danger but are perfectly equipt to handle. Neither seemed too upset at the change, plans immediately starting despite the new situations. It's more the Mikaelson Siblings that are going to be surprised with the newly aquired family members.

Word Count: 2350

Rating: Mature[Violence | Implied Sexual content] (Rating for entire fic)

A/N: There is a ship included in this. In the later chapters. As account is named. Little cringe. But this was fun for me to write.

[Part 2] [Part 3] [Part 4]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Marquez groaned as he hit the side of the bar and froze as he saw the crowd. "Hope?" He called out lightly. Eyes flicking between the people in the room. A moment later, he heard a groan and turned to her. "What the hell did you do?" He asked as he turned so he could see her lying on the ground. He sighed, holding out a hand.

"Not me."

"... Aunt Freya?" He asked flatly, and she shrugged. "Why is our family so co-dependant?" He asked, annoyed.

"Sorry. Who are you two?" One of them asked, and the two turned to look seeing the blonde male vampire glaring. Marques looked at him, and he looked to Hope.

"Are we really dealing with this?" He asked her. "From what my dad told me, he's a dick."

"I mean. Dad never talked about him."

"... I was always curious about that one thing. See if it's the same for the others as me." He said and raised an eyebrow, and Hope looked amused.

"Seriously?"

"... I mean -"

"Okay. Children -" The blonde, Mikael, started, but Marquez cut the man off, pinning him to a wall his hand wrapped around Mikaels heart.

"Let's not lecture the stronger people in the room just because you think we're too young and not worthy of respect." He mocked with a smile.

"Marquez. Remember that Freya actually cared about him." Hope said casually, pouring herself a drink.

"... You say that like I should care?"

"You do."

"... Well. I'm not using white oak." He murmured and ripped the mans heart out. "And apparently, they grow back for Originals as well. And they need ashes, right?" He hummed and looked to a horrified witch. "Aunt Freya?"

"... Aunt?" She asked, confused before she looked at Mikaels body. "No... What did you Do?!"

"He'll live." They said rolling their eyes. "You're the one who apparently decided you should send Me back. So... blame your future self. I know it wasn't my mother."

"Aunt D would never." Hope said with a laugh. "Mar, catch." She said and threw them a glass, and they caught it and placed the heart it.

"Ambustio." He said, and it burned to ash. "Can you remember how long it took me?" Marquez asked, looking from Hope to Mikael and back.

"Few hours." She said simply.

"Cool. So, this is the time with... Dahlia?"

"Seems like it. Mikael died from what I know. But..." She shrugged.

"Cool. So we need grandmother's blood... Which means me, or." He sighed. "I'm really tempted to drag her soul back here to deal with all of this with us."

"Baby Nik."

"Just because she's a mother doesn't give her an out on Everything."

"Just... leave it."

"Hmm."

"Marquez Erik Mikaelson. You're Not dragging her here."

"Hope Andrea Mikaelson." He returned. "You are Not in charge of me. We are not our fathers."

"Like Uncle Kol Ever listened to Dad."

"Well, it's Uncle Nik. Why would he?"

"Excuse me?" Klaus's voice came.

"Finally." Marquez said lightly. "I thought someone traded you for an Alien." He said, turning to the brothers. "So... Mikaels ashes. Norwegian soil and Esthers blood. You do still have the womans body, right?"

"Yes." He said. "Why -"

"Aunt Freya most likely wants certain people alive that died. Why did she send ME? I don't know. I don't give a damn. Hope got the whole save the family habit you lot have, but seriously... Quicker that I get this sorted. Sooner, I get a life again." He said and held out the glass of ashes waving it out. Elijah was the one who took it.

"And you thought killing our father was a good plan?" Elijah asked dryly.

"You care? He's an abusive ass that only Freya truly cared for since he spent... How old were you as a human Uncle Elijah?" Elijah stopped a smile threatening to pull onto his lips at the title. "... Well, over two decades making your lives hell. Whiping, beating. Just... Gross. Anyway. Then he spent a thousand years hunting you. Tried to kill Aunt Hayley and Hope." He motioned to Hope. "And you care I gave him a temporary death?"

"He makes a good point." Another witch spoke up.

"Aunt Bex?" Marquez said, looked to her in surprise and grinned. "You look so different. Vampire suits you better."

"I'm sure, but I promised I'd stay like this until Kol was alive again."

"Well. You should work on the control. A baby witch could take you out, Aunt Bex. Be careful." He hummed and looked to Hope. "Drink, please." She passed him the bottle. "Tomorrow, we'll sort out granny tomorrow." He said, and before anyone stopped him, he raised the bottle to his lips, taking a drink.

"Plan on getting drunk tonight?"

"Absolutely. Come on, wolf girl. Join me?" He said.

"Wait." Freya said lightly. "You two are adults, right?"

"Yep."

"He's 19. I'm 22." Hope said, ignoring Marquez attempt to gloss over it. "We both activated the vampire genetics."

"You died?" Klaus asked, upset.

"I did it on purpose."

"Why would you do that?" Elijah asked.

"She needed the power." Marquez shrugged, taking another drink, and Elijah took the bottle.

"You're still underage."

"I died... I think legal age limits are... less important." He said, annoyed. "Come on. The strict uncle move is boring." He said. "Uncle Eli." He said, holding out a hand. Elijah looked unsure like he was about to give it back.

"Are you really so easy to manipulate, brother?" Klaus asked, which made Elijah step back. Marquez looked at Klaus, annoyed as Hope his a laugh behind her own glass.

"... I was at a party with a hot guy, who was Actually interesting before I suddenly was here. Let me drink."

"Who?" Hope asked. "You don't have friends."

"... Screw you. Your only friends are the Saltzman twins."

"Bitch." Hope returned but both smiled, confusing the others for a moment.

There was a gasp, and they turned to see Mikael waking. "Oh, that sucks. It's not fully grown yet. He woke way too early. That hurts like a bitch." He said watching the man clutch at his chest.

Mikael was back on his feet and glaring, and Marquez smiled. "Please. Try it."

"Your fathers recklessness." Elijah said with a sigh.

"And my mothers power... well, blended with the fact I'm a Mikaelson first born." He hummed.

"And just who's brat are you?" Mikael asked.

"The youngest son... Second yougest. His kid."

"Kols. Of course." He drawled.

"Mhmm. Now, do you wish to fight. Or do you watch to kill the witch who stole your daughter?" He asked, and Mikael glared. "Awesome. Since I can't get drunk... Uncle 'cels bar... not open yet. um. Bayou?" He asked Hope.

"Wolf run?"

"Yep."

"Sounds good." She nodded.

"Wait." Rebekah spoke up. "Uncel Cel? Marcel?"

"Marcel's family." Hope and Marquez said in time and moved towards the door.

Klaus caught Marquez arm. "You're running with a wolf?"

"I'm a Grim. An idiot witch tried to sacrifice me... Didn't work with me." He hummed, eyes turning red with black scleras. "Set off two things. Vampiric and Grim powers. Ancestors punishment, it seems, since I'm not even linked to our family as a protector. I'm... alone. Just working with Hope and such while I wait `til my ward connects." He explained simply. "Now... We're gonna run. Let go... or join us, Uncle Nik."

Klaus looked between them, unsure. "We could invite Hayley."

"And Jackson." Elijah said casually. "I'll come to babysit." He offered.

"Family run, it is." Hope said, looking a little surprised.

"We don't do that?" Klaus asked.

"Not really. Usually just me and Marq." Hope said simply.

"Filthy dogs." Mikael muttered as they left. Marquez stopped and almost turned around, but Hope stopped him.

~

Klaus, Jackson, and Hayley left on the night, long before the other two. They headed back to the compound just in time to see Klaus take someones head off. They looked at each other and rolled their eyes. Marquez coughed. "Hey, where's Aunt Freya? Kinda need her for the Esther wake-up spell."

"... Why?" Klaus asked.

"Two generations and a guide." Hope answered for him. "Me and Freya, then Marq."

"How wonderful. She can never be simple." Klaus drawled.

"I could do it?" Rebekah offered.

"First born would be better. Power and Control." Hope told her softly. "We need to both anchor and channel each other and anchor Marquez. It's not... easy." Rebekah sighed but nodded.

~

Freya was reluctant but between the three of them plus Elijah, who'd brought the antimagic manacles to greet his mother with.

Esther, despite the actions, seemed smug at the fact she was back and looked to Freya. "Sweet daughter." She said in an almost vicious voice. "So wonderful to have you help with my return."

"Wow. No wonder you all want her dead." Marques drawled.

"No wonder Finn thought killing his siblings was a genuine option." Hope added. "Oh... and a baby."

"And that this bloodlines all messed up with her and Mikael."

"Mhmm. At least he seems to care for One of them."

"That's enough." Elijah said, despite his amusement being obvious. "We should get her back to the compound. Mix her blood with Mikaels ashes. Perhaps give the pair time to talk. Alone. Without magic." He hummed, and Freya hummed in agreement.

"Mikael's still alive?" Esther asked quietly.

"Aunt Freya wants him alive." Marquez shrugged and turned from them. "Kill Dahlia. Then I'm going to find a bar and find someone pretty to dance with."

"You're still underage." Elijah said casually as he tugged the chain on Esther as he followed.

"I'm aware, Uncle Eli. But I also... don't care. And can compell a bartender."

"Not if one of them stops you." Hope said casually, walking at his side.

"Hope. Love. Dearest Cousin. Don't give him ideas."

"Well, you can't have too much fun."

"... Aren't you just your fathers daughter." He said. "Buzzkill."

"Hey!"

"At least you ain't Finn."

"Oh, mean."

"He killed my dad."

"... True. And he tried to kill me. Fair enough."

"That's my eldest son you're insulting." Esther spoke up.

"Is it?" Marquez drawled sarcastically with a mock gasp.

"We totally didn't know that!" Hope said matching the tone.

"We thought he was some random parasite that our family randomly kept with them for totally no reason." Marquez hummed. "Personally. I'm all for the youngests needing more respect."

"Of course you would." Hope said, rolling her eyes. "Kol named you for his little brother."

"Well, yeah. Did I tell you Henrik was the first soul to visit me?" They said excitedly. "When I woke. He talked me through the new change."

"You didn't. That's so cool."

"Right?" He said. "I mean, I'm glad considering I was alone in the middle of the night during a bloodmoon. I was about to freak out. Henrik's great. Still visits now and then. Apparently, the whole naming you after someone in honour is actually way to connect them." He smiled.

"That's cool. So, for me?"

"You think your mother won't be watching over you if she dies?" He asked with a laugh. "You know they can visit if they find peace, right? It's just those who Fuck up and don't Redeem themselves, who get stuck between." He said pointedly and Hope chuckled lightly.

"Good."

"And we are keeping that as an IF." Elijah said casually. "We won't let-"

"Please, don't." Hope cut him off lightly. Ellijah looked slightly surprised but nodded sharply.

"Somethings that happen suck. We're not going to let it happen." Marquez said, looking to Elijah. "Hope's still angsty over it." The girl glared at him, and he raised an eyebrow, and she rolled her eyes.

"You would be too." He reached for her hand.

`My dad dies three times before he stays alive. So does my mom. Thats why they left without me. Remember?` He sent mentally.

`At least they're alive.`

`So are yours now.`

`Let's keep it that way.`

`Obviously. We just need to take out Lucien before he makes the upgrade.` He pulled his hand back and smiled. "Come on. When do WE lose. Like Actually. When we work together?"

"I think the counts still on zero." She said.

"Exactly. Now, chill. Aunt Freya got us trapped back here. So we may as well enjoy it."

"Hey-!"

"Not now, you. Our you." Marquez cut Freya off.

"Maybe you'll meet the guy you'll link to."

"Who says it'll be a guy?" Hope just stared at him. "... Okay, fair. But it could be a friend or place you know."

"It's going to be a guy. Probably one our family doesn't like too much."

"Oh, imagine it's someone like... Aurora."

"Bad joke." Hope said and laughed lightly. "Or her brother?"

"... I forgot she had a brother." He hummed. "... Anyway. Our plan?"

"Yes. I'm down for that." She nodded.

"Good. Cause it's currently all I have."

"And the other one?"

"Won't be a threat if the others dead."

"Are you two planning to murder to protect US." Elijah asked. "I'm rather sure that's meant to be the other was around." He said simply.

"You're strong... We're powerful." He said. "No need to do the older guy thing where you need to be the first one to get hit."

"And we also have the extra knowledge." Hope added casually. "Means we can avoid specific things happening that stop a lot of things happening." She said and looked to Marquez. "If your mom doesn't die... They don't get her killed again. No hollow."

"No hollow. No split. No mind wipe... No death."

"No deaths." Hope grinned.

"We can save them all. Stop one death. Stop them all."

"This is why Freya sent you with me." Hope said. "We make a good team."

"And you'd choke."

"I am stronger than you."

"Bite me, wolfie. You are Not."

"Uh huh. Sure, puppy."

"... After Dahlia -"

"Hit the Gym? Marcel plays ref?"

"Mhmm. Because Alaric was totally bias."

"I was his favourite student."

"Creepy~."

[tearanusaur]

Fyodor is kind of a bum when you really think about it. Dare I say one of the biggest bums in the series, he just hides it well. It’s kind of what I like about him tbh.

For example, how has he not found the book for at least 500+ years but Dazai found it in like 3. Seriously what was he doing??? Drinking tea????? Maybe this will be explained but it’s still funny atm.

Not to mention his consistent asshat behaviour to everyone even when it would probably benefit him to do otherwise. I get he has trust issues, but I’ve still yet to see a reason why he is so keen on having more enemies than allies. Even Fitzgerald and Mori understand the importance of people liking you. I feel like the biggest example of this backfiring is going to be him bullying Atsushi. If he just took Atsushi on the plane with him the series would be over, but he just had to be a dick instead.

Also the I am forever alone bit is kind of cringe. If Dazai and Ranpo (who’s smarter than him btw) can form genuine relationships then he has no excuse. If it’s the immortality thing then even Bram was able to form a connection with Aya.

However, his bummiest moment will always be not realising Chuuya wasn’t a vampire. Either Chuuya is a future Oscar award winning actor or his mind can be very easily blinded by his trust and control issues. Imagine having a 200+ iq and getting fooled by Spirit Halloween 💔.

[3m0n3rd]

Atuff abt my turtlez that I wrote on a discord sever once but changed sum stuff

Tw for rap3 and abus3

okay so Lee/Leo goes by she/him- shes REALLY masculine physically but like he wants to dress up and act pretty a lot of the time. Leo is (and I'm debating this) bisexual or saphic! Lee has Anorexia and PTSD. She really tries to be an older sibling like RISE! Lee tries be there and present, trying to make his siblings forget about their childhood so that everyone is just happy! which doesn't really work... But again he is just trying her best. -- Lee's love life is wonky, before Usagi came, he was in LOVE with karai and soon started dating her. But when Usagi came, Leo started to feel some stuff but not strong enough for him to leave Karai. So he's always felt shitty about hurting yuichi because he's a dear friend to her. I feel like his VA would be like Pearl from steven universe or something like that.

donnie is like the one who I heavily based off of my but still gave them their own personality uh they/them (and sometimes He/him) Bro is t4t and bisexual and nonbinary. So Don boy is rlly emo.. But like most of the other four, they don't really dress up since no one is there to see them. BUT many ppl don't know this abt donnie but the spike choker he wears, they only wear it around Arrow, if they wear their googles that means their in their lab. But if they aren't wearing those accessories their just hanging with their bros. Donnie has AFRID, OCD, and schizophrenia. Which this causes a lot of difficulties in his life. Arrow in his mind Is their savior, basically their nothing without them. So Donnie tries to change everything about them to make Arrow like them more. ex. He says their fave artist is ICP, Arrow's fave duo. But in truth his fave band is MCR. I think Don's VA would be 2012 Donnie in some sorts of dib from Invader zim.

Mikey is so kawai-chan from aphmau, yes call me cringe idc. any but mostly he/him. Mike in the earlier seasons would be straight, until he realizes he's asexual!! But other then that, HES SCENE!!!! but again like everyone else he doesn't rlly dress up. Unless he wants to. Mikey loves april! their like BFF's for life! Fun silly fact, Mike was originally was suppose to HATE April, but later I got into the 'moon and sun' duo more. Oh mike has adhd, autism and dyslexia. Mikey is really the glue to their family much like in RISE!. So he tries to keep everyone happy like Lee. Mikey has never really told ANYONE this but while splinter never hurt Mike when he was younger, he treated him as the favorite child because occasionally he would ||Rape him.|| Which didn't effect Mike that much because he just blocked it out of his memeory. Mike's VA would DEFFINATLY be something like honey senpai dub from Ouran High school host club or like Beast Boy from Teen Titans Go!

I hate raph/hj. I really just don't know how to feel abt him because he reminds me of me a the most, in the worst ways too. okay he/him and ally! but later become poly and bi with Casey and Mona Lisa. (this was because I REALLY couldn't decide who he should end up with lol) Raph is basically a dick half the time and not in the way people like. He's easily irritated, makes fun of others for no reason, and will just hurt someone cuz he wants to. But deep down he tries his best, he just hates that everyone can act okay with what happened while they were kids. - Raph has PTSD, anger issues and autism - Lee was the one who got hurt most of the time, Raph was the one who was hurt the worst once. Splinter straight up put BOILING water on him because he wouldn't stop picking on Mkey. (this also leads to Raph being very distant from Mikey) So a way to relieve his PTSD is to just either hit shit really hard or just sleep with the million stuffed animals around him. Idk wut his VA would be, maybe Damon Salvatore from the vampire diaries or smth like that

[g33se]

Playing bg3 right now. Got to the point with the druids and the tiefling city. A couple of opinions about the party:

Lae'zel: I liked her a lot when I met her first (competent, straightforward, my type of girl) but she's being very rude about the tieflings. Given that I'm playing a tiefling... well. Not keen on the way she compared us to cockroaches or the way she made the tiefling bow- granted the tieflings did have reason to want to stab her. So liking her quite a bit less now. Still, looking at her respectfully. She is hot.

Shadowheart: Never really liked elves all that much. Not super keen on the way she did a racism at Lae'zel as soon as we met her, but the moments of emotional vulnerability have me liking her a lot more.

Astarion: Stupid loser bastard. That man is clearly a vampire- I mean, look at the eyes/teeth/the literal VAMPIRE BITE on his neck and the ten thousand clues he's been dropping. Sexy of him to greet me by holding a knife to my neck I thought he was going to rob me. He's such a fucking idiot I want to jump his bones.

Gale: This man has bard energy. At least, the way I play bards. Also kind of single dad energy? Just a random wizard running around. Just a Dude, if you will. Had to put him back in the campsite since I'm a sorcerer and party comp will get fucked though.

Wyll: Thought he was a paladin at first. Then he started doing warlocky things. I like how he acts it's a nonstandard edgy warlock thing, I hope his storyline pans out well. Really like his back-and-forth with Lae'zel about ever doing nice things with her life. Immediately taken with the fight scene I saw him in first, looked fucking epic.

Overall, I really love Mind Flayers. They're fucking cool, that little starter scene when I converted a woman into one was fucking nightmare fuel. I did see the button saying perfect and press it knowing what it would probably mean. What the hell were they doing in Avernus though. And isn't Zariel the angel who fell because she wanted to kill demons with GREAT PREJUDICE?

I've also been save scumming whenever I steal stuff a lot because, habit. I just want to collect all the boxes and put them into the campsite. Also reloaded the same save three times because I wanted Asterion to take that one potato off a crying guard. (Probably going to try to see if I can do a revivify on the dead guard later? I don't know if the game has the 1 min timer on revivify or not.) Also I do like how yoinking just makes people do 'hey wtf' or 'you're getting arrested' because instantly trying to kill the party is. Weird.

Also reloaded the save once because I couldn't revivify Shadowheart because she died on stairs that were on fire. I know how to play dnd I just have a hard time conceptualizing it with game graphics.

Lower level dnd's always interesting. The take action to restore someone else at 1hp is also... inspired. Would be interested to see normal downing rules- that would force me to think in more dnd terms to play the game. I also keep clicking wrong and wasting attacks on the space right next to a person.

Weird how everyone can use scrolls.

I hate the 1/short rest mage hand it's a fucking cantrip and it can do, like, nothing. Going to download a mod for it later.

Going to have to use the speak with dead amulet a lot I hope. I love that spell. Not quite sure how I feel about your camp being a separate room- I feel like it trivializes inventory management and sending things there is. Weird. Where is all the weight going. I do like stacking all the boxes I find though.

Thought the Absolute people were part of a mind flayer cult so had to kill a few of them.

Current leader druid is a bit cringe. Don't want to kill her but definitely ousting her asap. Stop being a dick to my people (tieflings). Also really liking the tiefling responses so far.

Also wonder at the deal about the tiefling village. They seem to have a lot of hell stuff going on there.

Anyway, this is cool! Looking forward to what happens next.

[cto10121]

Watching Breaking Dawn: Part 1, easily the most boring and slow-paced of all the Twilight movies until the pregnancy drama—and that’s saying something. I’ll just get right to it:

Bella voiceover-ing the St. Millay quote is not it. For one thing, that is not Bella’s line, that is just the epigraph of the whole book. It’s as if they decided to have Bella V.O. the Genesis quote from the first book. Nah, son

Yeah, let’s start a movie all about Bella and Edward with…Jacob finding out about the invitation. Because the script is so patently in love with Jacob

Not Bella touching the dreamcatcher just before her wedding…Script Being in Love With Jacob Part 383872928

“You aren’t a virgin?” If the movies had been smart about their humor they could have included Emmett laughing at this O.S. I would have

And of course they had Edward tell Bella about his Batman vigilante years just before the day of!!!!! Meanwhile Book!Edward told her in the very first book of the series. No wonder people call this relationship abusive. It’s not…it’s just the movies sucked hard at adaptation. Also the scriptwriter just could not write Edward for shit

They finally show some Emmett/Edward/Jasper bromaderie…last movie of this series but better some than never

Dream Bella’s wedding looks so nice in all white with the rose petals…also Stewart is styled better than her wont, she actually looks more in line with Book Bella. Also her dream wedding dress looks better than her official one. Not by much, though.

But! I have to question why the movie included this as the dream instead of the immortal child dream in canon. Bella is definitely not having second thoughts about being with Edward—she just hates being center of attention, so the whole experience of the wedding is onerous to her. So she wouldn’t dream about this particular cold feet. I suppose the dream is actually about her worries about losing herself to her vampire bloodlust once she turns. I’ll be generous for once and opt for that interpretation

“Are those graduation caps?” Billy Burke!Charlie being the best as ever, I see. But also I’m reminded of that movie-only detail, so bleurgh. So stupid

The human characters gawking hilariously at the Denalis and being realistically shallow and catty…This Script Loves the Human Characters Too Much Part 848472728

Yeah, Bella’s actual wedding dress is a bit of a disappointment. It’s not old-fashioned enough to be charming and not modern enough to be sleek and sophisticated. It’s kind of in that bland middle.

Stephanie Meyer cameo!!! She honestly looks more Esme than the actress playing Esme. Hate how the antis say Bella’s her self-insert…they’re both brunette and that’s basically it. Meyer is actually too curvy and her hair is curly, not wavy like Bella’s. Also, Bella’s top lip is supposed to be bigger than her bottom half—not the case with Meyer.

The music is still the worst, I see. Generic orchestral scoring + mediocre pop songs that will be instantly dated in some years. As always, Hollywood only get actually good composers for dumb dick flick shit.

Carmen just straight up smooching Bella on the cheeks…movie, I beg you to please remember that they are all vampires here.

Irina’s face when she sees the wolves 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 The acting, I swear. But I guess the movie introducing that conflict early is good set up. But the execution…Irina just implying Bella is a liar is not it, fam. That Laurent wanted to kill Bella is verifiable.

“Bella, I hope you’ve gotten enough sleep these last years, ‘cause you won’t be getting any more in a while.” 💯 Script Writes Good Emmett Lines Part 939383828. Also, Charlie just *chugging champagne* just clinches it

“Edward will be a good husband. I know this because I’m a cop. I know things.” 💯 Script Writes Charlie the Best For No Good Reason Part 393982727.

Bella and Edward actually laughing together and having a good time during the cringe toasts is probably the closest I’ll ever get to canon Book Bedward and that makes me so, so irritated

Edward’s speech is actually…well-written? Let me see…holy shit. That was actually an adaptation and not dutiful verbatim. Script had (1) braincell about Edward after all

Aaaand once again Movie Bella is more happy to see Jacob than she is at her whole wedding. 🤮Script Is In Love With Jacob Part 48837727272. But this is even more egregious, since in the book Bella was happy at her wedding!!! In fact, it’s the first time that she actually described herself as beautiful!!!!! She couldn’t stop kissing Edward!!!! Please, movie, I beg you to let Stewart emote!!!!!

Trying hard for that Bella/Renée feels…actually it’s tragic that Bella never realized how dirty she had been done by having Renée as a mother

So many beautiful Brazilian compositions out there and many fun rhythms (the baión in my favorite) and they chose the most generic samba imaginable. Ahimè

Isle Esme looks nice. That’s it, but…yeah, it does

Do we really need a whole montage over Bella’s human minutes post sex scene? Nah, son. Some book-accurate details could have definitely been shortened. Also, that song is horrible

…Why do they look like there’s a green screen when they’re in the water? It’s so weird. Oh God…

🎶I’ve waited a hundred years 🎶 Oh God the horrible music is so on-point it’s cringe

THEY ACTUALLY SHOWED EDWARD DESTROYING THE BED BOARD, I CAN’T

Listen, I understand that some people were disappointed by the fade-to-black sex scene (I know I was in my tender years) but in hindsight it made the comedy of Edward’s angst and Bella riding on the vampire dick high so much better. You just don’t get that vibe in the movie.

Edward: “Bella, I can’t tell you how sorry I am.” 😐 Pattinson really dngaf

Bella: “Why can’t you see how perfectly happy I am???” Idk, Bella…maybe because you looked shocked and appalled when he revealed your bruises? Instead of being cutely bemused and nonchalant as you were in the books? Stewart’s acting choices really are questionable

They actually showed the reactions of the Ticuna housemaids to Bedward’s bedroom 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 If movie movie’d properly they could have had a scene with Kaure warning her husband or something

I will say this for Pattinson’s Portuguese, it’s at least intelligible. So kudos, I guess

Book Edward: *burning man look, literally half-mad, will do anything so that Bella would survive* Movie Edward: 😔 So unserious

…Why the hell did they overlap the actors’ voices with the wolves’ growls???? It’s so damn corny. And these actors aren’t clearly voice actors…

So Movie Bella accepts that she will die and the baby will live (Book Bella meanwhile stuck to her plan and was adamant she and the fetus would both live), thereby fucking over Movie Edward and just being OOC in general. Meanwhile Movie Edward yells at Bella for her choice and slams the door. Kind reminder that no matter his hatred of the fetus Book Edward does help Bella and is always at her side, to the point where he rejects hunting with the rest of the family

They do portray Bella’s malnourished state well…I hope those bones on poor Stewart were not real

I’m so happy that they just got rid of Bella’s sense of humor through her pregnancy (“Hey, it’s good practice”) and her dark sense of humor in general. By happy, of course, I mean “fucking irked”

I like how awkwardly/casually they spring the “Edward can hear the fetus’s thoughts” thing and of course Patt!Edward just accepts this. Meanwhile Book Bella almost shrieked in surprise and Edward was having a second revelation.

So Movie Jacob wants Sam to take back Leah and Seth. He also decides now that he would kill Renesmee and tells Sam this. And this is somehow Jacob playing them for fools…? I don’t even know, this makes no sense. Why can’t Jacob and Leah and Seth guard the Cullens as in the book?

Edward: *stabs Bella’s stomach huge ass needle* “It’s my venom.” Why, movie? He looks like he’s impaled her! At least RPatt’s acting is good here

JACOB’S IMPRINTING VISION HAS ADULT RENESMEE FROLICKING, OH GOD. Movie truly took the worst possible route re: the imprinting. Nothing in the books justify this. And with corny editing too

The wolves attacking the Cullens was so stupid…movies always got to movie, I guess

The transformation sequence was okay…dislike the use of Bella’s Lullaby, though. Totally inappropriate for the pain and drama of the transformation.

[professional-rat-eater]

First of all, AI is so cringe. If you’re gonna be a dick to Assad, at least put in the effort and draw it your damn self (or alternatively shut up for ever.)

Secondly, I say this as redhead who is very fond of book Armand, Assad IS Armand. When I read, I picture them both but they’re so similar that I can’t fully separate them anymore.

Characters are generally made redheads with the intent to other them to one degree or another. Either they’re being fetishised or there’s a focus on their intense emotions, but it’s just another way to separate them from other characters because of how uncommon redheads are irl. The curtains are never just blue.

That is Armand. Even amongst vampires, he still does not fit in. In the books, his age is a huge factor. In the show, his age still matters but his race adds yet another layer and plays the same role him having red hair would but in a much deeper, more nuanced and impactful way. You think Marius wasn’t giddy about finding someone who was not only beautiful, but also so different from him and so rare in general? His precious thing to be kept until he got bored? Assad’s beauty is that very same thing, except Marius also tweaked his appearance when he painted him (lightening his skin and changing his features) which makes him even more sinister and controlling. Without even meeting Marius, we get a glimpse into just how horrific he was and how badly he affected Armand’s personhood. I’m assuming they’re going to keep Marius white in the show, in fact I’d argue it’s important that they do, because it shows yet another way Marius will always be separate from him. Pretending to be loving, keeping him at arm’s length when he grows annoyed with him, attempting to mold him into precisely what shape he wants him to be and then pushing him away when he acts out. Marius kept Armand like a possession, not a person.

Armand is a character who has been kept from discovering himself time and time again, whether by his childhood being stripped from him, or being passed to Marius who then passed him to his friends, or afterwards being passed to a cult who convinced him that everything about his life up until that point was wrong and kept him there for over 200 years. Then there was the theatre, yet another thing he was told to do. He has no idea who he is because of how intensely he has been othered.

Are you going to look at Assad and tell me you don’t get the exact feeling from him? Armand is a Botticelli angel and Assad looks like he came straight out of a renaissance painting. That is what has defined Armand for so much of his life. This breathtaking beauty that has been so coveted and commodified. A stranger to himself and to every vampire around him, so very far from home in both distance and time, a home that no longer exists and he does not remember. Sick with the desire to be known, but refusing to let anyone in, even himself. That’s why people say so often that they struck gold when they cast Assad. Not only does he nail the micro-expressions Armand is so known for which betray the fragility he tries so hard to hide, he is beautiful in a way that is so rare. He can make himself equally delicate and terrifying. You can see the innocent child who was warped into a monster without even needing to hear him say a word.

It’s weird that it’s usually Armand who is treated like this. We have been so blessed with a gorgeous, detailed performance from a talented and dedicated actor. I feel like acting as a craft in general, but particularly subtle acting like Assad’s, is taken for granted. To suggest Assad is wrong because his appearance isn’t identical to the books is a profoundly superficial reading of Armand’s character. I’ve even seen people say they prefer the 1994 Armand, who was not Armand. Not in appearance, not in his actions, and certainly not in his personality. So I think we can call this exactly what it is.

Armand is who he is because of what he has endured, and because of how his beauty has been weaponised against him, and Assad portrays it better perfectly. I feel genuinely sad that there are people who will never be able to appreciate that.

Hey, people who make AI generated videos of "book accurate Armand" because you lament that "we're never gonna get book accurate Armand 😭". Get fucked. We have book accurate Armand. He's called Assad Zaman. No, he doesn't look the same but that man bodies that role in every other conceivable way.

There's literally miniscule facial expressions that Anne describes that Assad is nailing. His ability to be both beautiful and loathesome at the same time? Unmatched. Would you genuinely prefer an actor who looks physically "book accurate" or one who is actually embodying the character? FFS

Also if you don't think Assad is an absolutely beautiful angel of a man, legitimately get your eyes checked. That man has taken a character that I never really gave that much of a second thought to and made him my favourite. NO ONE IS DOING IT LIKE HE IS

I hope he never sees your cringe AI shit and he knows how much people with actual taste adore him

[neochan]

PAIRING | haechan x reader

SYNOPSIS | you've had your eye on haechan for a while. who knew a costume frat party would be the time you got to have him.

WC | 2.8k

WARNINGS | alcohol, bunny pet name, panty biting, oral fem receiving, slight nipple play, choking, he spanks reader one time, big dick!haechan, reader calls him daddy once, breeding kink (no mention of pregnancy or kids), acts like a typical dude at the end lmao

A.N | happy hyuck day !

“I won’t bite. Unless you’re into that sort of thing.”

A deep voice tickles your ear, making you whip your head around. Haechan stands tall, eyes glinting with mischief; his plastic glow-in-the-dark fangs are bared to you in a wide smile. His hands are occupied with two drinks, one which is slightly extended to you.

“Ha Ha.” you say dryly, and snatch the plastic solo cup out of his hand.

The last party of the school year and here you were listening to pathetic jokes from a poorly costumed vampire. You couldn't brag about yours though, the play boy bunny ears were constantly sliding off your head, and the faux tail kept getting pulled by obnoxious frat boys.

Looking around you take it all in. Last party of the semester ... last party with him.

Lee Donghyuck, the boy you can't seem to get out of your head even though he was oblivious to it all. He stood in front of you, handsomer than you've ever seen. Clad in a white button up spotted with fake blood and a black cape tied around his throat by a matching ribbon, all you wanted to do was rip those clothes off of him, but you couldn't. It was out of the question - especially here.

The frat house wasn't exactly the best place for hooking up. Downstairs was cluttered with people and alcohol; basically one big open room, and upstairs was where coke heads took their turns bumping lines. The bathrooms were absolutely nasty and usually covered in piss and vomit by the time you actually wanted to fuck someone.

Who were you kidding? You'd never get the chance to fuck Haechan so there was no use worrying about where the best place was.

You take a sip of your drink, cringing at the bitter burn that slides down your throat, "Is this just straight Titos?" you splutter.

He shrugs nonchalantly, nodding towards the kitchen, "They were all out of mixers."

"Not surprised" You murmur, throwing your head back and drinking the rest in one swallow. Usually the alcohol was gone by now anyways, it was a surprise he came back with Titos.

Haechan's eyes watch you admiringly, twinkling when you spill some of the alcohol down your chin.

"You know," he starts, "This party is kind of lame." He fiddles with the tied bow of his cape for a second before continuing, "I was wondering if you just want to come back to my place and chill?"

Your eyebrows shoot up on their own accord. Was the boy you've had a crush on the last four years asking you to go back to his place?"

"How sober are you?" you question.

"Stone cold."

"Prove it."

"Come back to my place and I'll show you how sober I am."

His words shock you, heat creeping into your cheeks and flushing through your entire body. You can feel your knees go weak.

"I mean, if you want to, that is." his smile stretches from ear to ear, the fangs glowing a bright green.

"Are you going to fuck me?" you ask coyly. It's satisfying to see the way his smile drops and his cheeks grow red, but the next words out of his mouth aren't shy at all.

"Oh little bunny... I'm gonna absolutely ruin you."

☾☾☾☾☾☾☾☾☾☾☾

Your back hits the wall alarmingly hard, but you don't even notice. All you can focus on right now is Haechans soft lips moving against your own at a pace way too fervent for the amount of alcohol coursing through your blood. The lack of oxygen leaves you dizzy, fingertips running over his shoulders, trying to steady yourself. His own graze over the supple flesh of your thighs left exposed by your costume.

The bunny ears and fangs are gone now, leaving you both to meld into each other. His lips move from yours to travel down your throat which finally allows you to take a deep breath.

"Fuck Haechan." you whisper, your hands coming up to pull at the hair tickling the nape of his neck. It sends goosebumps down his spine but he doesn't tell you, just keeps giving you wet kisses against your throat and collarbone. By the end of the night he wants you to be painted in bruises.

"You like my tongue?" he coos, darting it out to lick a wet stripe from the base of your neck to your ear lobe, nibbling it just a bit to make you shudder. He ruts against you, and you gasp. You can feel every inch of him through the thin material of his pants - and he's big. You groan and pull him close, capturing his lips in another kiss. He tasted like you always dreamed of - like a cherry blow pop. He did have a thing for those after all.

He pulls away, leaning his forehead against your own, "How about I show you what my tongue can really do?" his trademark grin spreads across his face, almost daring you to accept his offer.

"N- No, I need you in me." You whimper.

"Little bunny wants my cock, hm?"

All of a sudden you feel the floor fall out beneath you, and for a second you think you've passed out because of your alcohol consumption, but all is right when you realize that Haechan has picked you up. You wrap your legs around his waist and throw your arms around his neck squealing at the sensation of being carried.

It's just a few steps to the bed and in no time he's laying you down gently, body caging you against his soft sheets.

"You shouldn't have worn lingerie to the party." He growls, eyes drinking in the sight of your body for the thousandth time tonight, "Other guys shouldn't see you like this."

You roll your eyes, "It was a dress up party, what else was I supposed to wear?"

"A potato sack?" he offers.

"You wouldn't have wanted to fuck me if I wore that."

He's directly overtop of you now, the cross chain around his throat swinging in your face, accidentally brushing the tip of your nose. "I've wanted to fuck you since the moment we met. A potato sack is nothing."

"Then stop talking about it and do it." You groan.

You don't need to ask him twice because as soon as the last word is out of your mouth he's quickly unbuttoning his shirt and throwing it across the room. His cape and pants follow suit and soon he's overtop of you in only boxers. They hid nothing to the imagination, the outline of his cock painfully obvious.

"I think it's your turn bunny."

When you go to undo your bra he stops you, "Let me do it." With ease Haechan undoes your bra and soon your upper body is bare to him, "You're so fucking hot." He groans, dipping his heads down to take one of your perky nipples in his mouth.

The feeling of his hot tongue against your sensitive bud is enough to make you arch up against him, and again, you can feel every inch of him. The thought of how big he is makes your thighs clench together, heat pooling in your panties.

His tongue roves across your skin, sucking harshly. At one point he rolls your nipple between his teeth and it's like nothing you've ever felt.

"Haechan please!" you whine, lifting you hips so maybe he'll get the hint that you want him in you now.

He chuckles, lips skimming down your stomach until they hover right above the waistband of your panties. He looks at you through his dark eyelashes, honey brown eyes glinting with mischief.

"Don't worry bunny, I'm just as impatient, trust me." and with that he sinks his canines into your waistband and drags your panties down. Its unbearably hot, the sight of Haechan holding your panties in his mouth, but as you're whining and moving your legs restlessly, he spits them onto the floor and shoves your thighs apart.

"Just one taste, okay?"

You furiously nod your head and he wastes no time attaching his lips to your core to suckle on your clit.

White hot pleasure shoots through you, "Oh fuck!"

His tongue moves against you with grace, swirling patterns against your swollen clit. Two of his fingers disappear between your legs, easily sliding into you with how wet you were. The stretch of his fingers mixed with his tongue is enough to send you over the edge but you hold back.

"D- Don't wanna cum on your fingers." you whimper, eyes fluttering shut.

He pulls away from you completely, letting you gather your thoughts, "Cum on my cock then." He throws a wink at you before ridding himself of his boxers, and when you catch sight of him you gasp.

Never in all your years of knowing him did you think he was going to be this big. His cock stands tall against his abdomen, his pretty pink tip leaking precum.

He must have seen your eyes widen because he chuckles, "Understand why I wanted to eat you out a little first?"

Dumbly you nod your head, "I want you to fuck me."

"Bunny, you've said that already."

The muscles in his stomach contract when he palms his hard on, slowly stroking himself. Air hisses between his teeth when he touches his tip, eyes fluttering closed with the sensation.

You pout, throwing your fists against the comforter, "Then why're you taking your time!!"

Leaning overtop of you, your eyes following his every move, he lines himself up you’re your entrance, teasing you a bit before gently pushing into you, "Been thinking about this for a while, just wanted to do it right." He grits his teeth, the overwhelming urge to just completely bottom out and fuck into you almost overtaking the rational side of his brain.

The fact that he had been thinking about this almost as much as you sends a tingle through your body. It was nice to know the attraction was mutual and not just a one night stand the last night you were supposed to see each other.

You inhale sharply, the sensation of his thick cock stretching you out making you lose touch with reality. You fumble to grip onto something and end up using his shoulders as a grounding spot. Your nails dig into his honey golden skin, surely leaving red crescents for him to later discover.

He pushes into you slowly, inch by inch, until he’s completely buried in your cunt. You were so fucking wet, Haechan didn’t know how long he was going to be able to play nice for.

"You don't have to be gentle. I won't break.” You whisper.

Guess he didn’t have to play long.

“I don’t plan on being gentle.” He grunts, pulling out of you completely just to slam back into you, a piercing moan falling from your lips, “I said I was gonna ruin you, and that’s exactly what I plan on doing .”

He starts thrusting into you fast, his hips slamming into yours, the sound of skin slapping against skin permeating the otherwise still air. The chain around his throat keeps hitting your nose and at one point he grabs it and throws it over his shoulder. He can’t be bothered with little shit like that when he has such a pretty fucking girl underneath him.

His hands are braced on either side of your face, fingers twisting the fabric of the sheets, bunching it up until he’s clenching it in his fist. You feel so goddamn good, so tight, so wet … for him.

“Haechan! Fuck, you’re so big.” Sobs wrack your chest, eyes going crossed as he pounds into you, one hand wrapping itself around your throat. He squeezes a little and takes satisfaction in the way your eyelids flutter.

He shushes you, “I know bunny, I know. Just take it, I know you can.” He dips down to kiss you, his lips perfectly aligning with yours, “You’re doing so well. Being such a good girl for me.” He mumbles against you.

You feel the band in your stomach start to tighten, and between that and Haechans words, you put your hand on his stomach trying to get him to slow his movements.

He glances down, “Move your hand.”

“No, It’s too much.” You squeak out, but he doesn’t care.

“I said move your fucking hand.” With each word he thrusts all the way into you, brushing your g-spot every time.

You don’t listen to him, instead pushing against his abdomen even harder. He retaliates by closing his fist a little tighter, cutting off even more oxygen. The lack sends you into a head high, eyes crossing again, but you refuse to give in.

A dry laugh leaves his lips, “Fine.” He pulls out of you completely and taps your hip, “Flip over.”

Completely struck by how hot he was commanding you, you comply and flip over, face down ass up. He pushes back into you without warning, forcing your body to shoot forward. “Give me your hands.” He groans, reaching for your wrists. When they’re securely in his hand, he uses the leverage to fuck into you deeper.

“Fuck!” you cry.

“Take it little bunny.” He grunts, letting go of your wrists and pushing your face into his pillows instead. His scent fills your nostrils – cherry blow pops and some kind of cologne. Feeling his cock filling you up mixed with the intense smell of him sends you into another head high.

Your walls clench around him every time he thrusts into you and it almost makes him lose his mind, but there was something he wanted to do first. He stills his movements inside of you, leaving you panting.

“Why’d you stop?” you moan, but you’re sure the pillow muffled you too much for him to make out what you said so you start moving on your own accord. He lets go of your head and throws his arms up behind his own, admiring the way you back up against him.

"Yeah, that's right, throw that ass back little bunny."

The sight is almost enough to make him cum, but he holds back, gazing at the way your pussy swallows him.

You were growing impatient. This wasn’t filling your needs like before, “Haechan!!” you whine.

“Yeah, yeah.” He spits, grabbing a handful of your ass and fucking into you faster now. He couldn’t contain himself; you were just that fucking hot. "Want me to fill you up?” he whispers, his tongue poking the inside of his cheek. When he sees you shake your head as much as the pillows can allow, his mind turns crazed, "Gonna watch it drip out of your pretty pussy."

Your arms are thrust out to the side, gripping the sheets between your fingers, “Please Haechan! Want your cum so bad. Need it, please!”

"God you're such a slut." He groans, “Love the way your ass moves when I fuck into you.” One of his hands smacks your ass, a thin pain spreading throughout your bottom.

Your high-pitched moans rang throughout the room, pushing Haechan closer to his orgasm.

“Want you to fill me up daddy!” the name slips from your tongue too easily for Haechan to ignore it… not like he could though, because it tickles the right part of his brain and soon, he’s emptying ropes of cum into you.

The thought of him filling you up and then realizing it was actually happening has you clutching the sheets for dear life as your own orgasm wracks through you. Your walls spasm around him, milking every last drop from him.

For a second nobody moves and all you can hear is Haechan breathing rapidly as he tries to come down from his high. You shift so that your face is turned to the side, and you can finally breathe but you start laughing instead. “This… this is not how I thought the night was gonna go.”

“Me neither.” He agrees.

Slowly, he pulls out of you, making sure not to get any on the sheets below him. You flip over on your back and reach a hand over the edge of the bed fishing for a shirt or something to clean yourself up with. You end up grabbing one of Haechans shirts to which he just shrugs and lets you do your thing.

When you’re done you toss it into the corner of his room, not caring where it lands.

“God that was so good.” He smiles over at you, eyes crinkling in the corner.

You hum in response, eyelids fluttering shut. The alcohol in your system mixed with the workout you just did has left you exhausted and all you were craving was sleep.

“You can stay here tonight. I’m sure we have a lot to talk about in the morning.” He says softly, one arm propped up, watching as you slowly slip away into dreamland, the promise of tomorrow with the boy you’ve liked for the past four years sure to bring you happy dreams.

.

.

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A.N | happy haechan day!!!! i wanted to give you guys something a little special bc of the celebration! i heard he got covid though so i hope he recovers fast </3 also.. send feedback please.

[head-empty-just-sigma]

so i’ve been thinking

i know, dangerous

in all honesty, what is our cast of characters supposed to do about Fukuchi..?

i’ve already made my rant analysis (that you can read here if you’re interested) about how Fukuchi is really just an old man with a time traveling stabby stick that makes for a horrible OP villain. up until now, when presented with such a crisis, either soukoku or shin soukoku will partner up and defeat the big bad… or at least they had weaknesses, like Dostoy not anticipating Dazai was going to find him at the end of the cannibalism arc, or how most of his henchmen and underlings were eventually foiled or defeated to come to a satisfying conclusion that set us up for the next story beat. even Ranpo has his weaknesses, and his whole character is centered around knowing everything

well, we know for a fact that that’s not going to happen this time considering our usual duos and their friends are having some technical difficulties at the moment...

so that makes me think…

who is left to fight at this point..?

obviously we have Fukuzawa, who is currently fighting, and Atsushi is... around. but, the character on my mind the most at this point is Mori, since he’s been missing for quite a long time now. this by itself isn’t a big deal considering side characters often go literal years without any story time. however, this becomes a bit more interesting considering what’s happening to the rest of the Mafia and the world right now in bsd

so, i’m going to analyze some pieces that might be added to this 4d chess board of a story line. including more than just Mori. however, i’ll be talking about Mori quite a bit in this post, like almost half of it actually, so if you don’t feel like reading this, that’s fine

🔺minor spoiler warning for chapters 30/31, 50, and 84, and Dead Apple and Stormbringer. also spoilers for basically the entire current arc up to the most recent chapter as of writing this (ch 105) since i talk about most of the main events/situations🔻

I’ll start by taking a moment to talk about the European android everyone knows and loves(?) from Stormbringer…

Adam Frankenstein

Ah yes, the android, the myth, the legend, and the being that made me cringe so hard i got face cramps the first time I read him chewing and swallowing multiple pieces of gum like candy. That Adam.

We never see him or even hear of him in any other part of the story, including the main manga. He’s kind of just in Stormbringer and never brought up again, supposedly living somewhere in Europe doing android detective things. We haven’t even gotten a hint or any foreshadowing that he might show up in the main story, either. The reasons I think he may show up now are kind of simple to be honest.

He’s an android. That’s it. He’s, y’know, not made of flesh… And he doesn’t have blood.

What makes blood important right now? The vampires. Considering we know that Bram can transform a human, alive or otherwise, into one of his minions by ingesting their blood, we can probably assume that this is how it works for the other vampires as well. Therefore, Adam is at a major advantage against such an enemy since 1. his body is made of metal that couldn’t be damaged by Piano Man’s wire guillotine or regular bullets and survived the heat of Chuuya’s first Corruption with minimal damage, and 2. he doesn’t have blood. He does have this blue substance that I assume acts something like oil or fuel for his body, but since he’s most definitely not human, this doesn’t count as blood for him. He can’t be turned into a vampire. I don’t even think Fyodor could hack him or put a virus into his system, like he did to the Moby Dick (which is technically an ability that got turned into a mechanical ship). If anything, the vampires would just break their fangs trying to bite into his neck.

Since he’s in Europe, which is where our two jail kings and their entourage are, it’s more likely that Adam will appear in the jail scene with Dazai and Dostoy. I’d honestly be happy to see this because it would be interesting to see how he and Chuuya would interact now after so many years apart if Chuuya is ever cured of his, y’know, vampirism. Since he most definitely isn’t going to just die. It would also introduce a new character for people who haven’t read Stormbringer, which could reignite interest in this god forsaken arc for those of us who have given up on getting more than a few cliffhangers and a reminder that Fukuchi sucks every new chapter (trust me, I feel you).

Moving on to another semi-short analysis for a character we haven’t seen outside of light novels. And the mildly disappointing adaption of one said novel.

Shirase Buichirou

Another character who is also in Europe, specifically London, is Shirase. At the end of Stormbringer, he and Chuuya parted ways on somewhat good terms when Shirase heard of a group called the Stray Sheep in Europe, which he joined. Nothing has been heard of him since, similar to Adam. The only reasons I bring him up here is that 1. he’s in Europe, same as Adam and the jail kings, and 2. he is also connected to Chuuya (and is familiar with Dazai, to some degree, but this isn’t important).

I’m hesitant to say he’ll appear in the story considering we truly have no idea what the state of the BSD world is right now. Japan is overrun with vampires, and there’s probably nobody left there who hasn’t been bitten unless they’re a major character in the story (that hasn’t already been bitten). We know that the vampires have been moving out by disguising themselves with sunglasses and stuff to hide their eyes and complexion and getting on planes. Where those planes went to, we only know it’s somewhere overseas. There’s also mentions of fictional countries that only exist within the BSD world, similar to Kenji’s home town being a fictional one from a novel written by the irl Kenji. Fukuchi mentions he “needs to control half the nations’ armies” in order to carry out whatever plan he has, and it’s probably safe to say this has already come to fruition since he threatened to set the vampire army in motion if One Order wasn’t unlocked.

The likelihood of a character like Shirase appearing without being a vampire is much, much lower than Adam, and for more reasons than just because he’s a regular human. Shirase has no ability and is not named after an author or any other real-life person (that I know of), therefore it’s very unlikely he’ll be revealed to have one unless he wields an ability weapon like Fukuchi’s sword. Which is also highly unlikely. Given these conditions, he’s probably already been turned into a vampire along with the rest of the organization he joined. Another possibility for his inclusion is just to be killed off (by, perhaps, a vampire Chuuya). Or he might make a joint appearance with Adam, but I still doubt he’ll be a major character unless he’s there to die to further the plot.

Not to mention Asagiri has mentioned many times that Chuuya’s story is a long one that’s full of hardships, so perhaps one of those hardships may just be having to kill an old friend.

Sorry Shirase fans, but that’s just my thoughts on the matter.

From here on, I’ll be discussing Mori and how he’s appeared and disappeared throughout major story arcs and how he’s interacted with the ADA since the cannibalism arc. I know he’s apparently a controversial character to talk about because of his ability and the comments he makes about underage girls and whatever, so if you don’t feel like reading this part, that’s fine.

In case you’re interested in another character appearance, I have added a few honorary mentions at the bottom of this post.

Mori Ougai

Port Mafia Boss. Underground doctor. Ex-military doctor. A third of the Tripartite Framework. And one half of the first version of soukoku before it was known as soukoku.

His titles honestly don’t mean much to me as the only thing he continuously claims to motivate him is his position as the Boss, which is reasonable as his entire livelihood is dependent on the organization and its success. He fills his role well as a clear villain character with extremely black if not straight up non-existent morals, which we get plenty of examples of during the Dark Era, the Guild arc, and even the Cannibalism arc. The currently arc also proves that he’s both willing to provide some aid to the ADA, as well as make manipulative requests of them despite the horrible position they’re in currently for his own potential benefit. He is truly, wholeheartedly, an evil character.

What I want to focus on the most is his hand in moving the pieces on the chess board, so to speak. We know that Dazai and Dostoy are both sitting on the board, presumably in control of every piece, but is that really true? Remember, Dazai is only the way he is because Mori manipulated and taught him to be that way, which we can see from the parallels in how they act when making threats or doing something morally wrong. The comparison between Dazai’s attitude and Mori’s in chapter 30 is telling enough, seeing that Mori’s expression when he murdered the previous Boss 8 years ago (as well as when he talks with Hirotsu in this chapter) is almost identical to the one Dazai makes as he says his thinly veiled threat to do the same to Mori. The anime makes these expressions even more similar than they are in the manga, but I take everything studio bones does with a heavy grain of salt at this point… And not just with BSD

The last time we saw Mori was when he was mentioned in chapter 91 as the liaison who informed Tanizaki and Kenji that it was time to come out of hiding. He appeared normal and not infected by the vampire virus, which isn’t much of a surprise to me. Stormbringer showed that he’s more than capable of avoiding death, and by proxy, avoiding the master assassin Verlaine. It wouldn’t be much of a stretch to assume he was able to avoid the hive mind army of vampires that are just regular soldiers, and most of the ability users that have been infected are mafioso who Mori is very familiar with. However, whether or not he’ll intervene in the prison arc is not what I plan to discuss here.

The previous two characters would only make sense to appear in the prison because of their relationship to Chuuya and their location. Mori is Chuuya’s Boss, sure, and sure he probably wants to keep Dazai alive and on his radar, but Mori is still in Japan and knows that Meursault isn’t a place to be taken lightly.

No, I think Mori is about to become a player in the battle against Fukuchi.

My evidence isn’t necessarily anything concrete or even any foreshadowing, such as with chapter 84 when it was pretty obvious that Akutagawa was going to show up to aid Atsushi when he was saying he was all alone, or back in chapter 31 where it was obvious that soukoku was going to reunite for a big fight.

Fukuzawa, so far, has been the only person capable of standing up against Fukuchi alone and not being beaten within seconds (except Tachihara, but, well… yknow). So this alone is interesting to me because Fukuzawa is one of the strongest fighters in the ADA, and arguably one of the strongest fighters in the entire story considering his ability has nothing to do with his raw swordsmanship and martial arts skills. Keeping that small fact in mind, I want to jog your memory of the battle that happened in chapter 50 between Fukuzawa and Mori. Both of them are afflicted with the cannibalism virus, which is probably causing them to feel horrible with symptoms, but they still face off in a 1v1 that looks a little unfair. Mori has his ability, Elise, that does whatever he tells it to do and is basically a highly skilled and deadly combat ability. Fukuzawa, while still an ability user, only has his sword and his physical talents. His ability is a support ability that works on his subordinates, he can’t use it to fight like Mori or Fukuchi. However, he still holds his ground extremely well and even destroys Elise within minutes if not seconds of the fight starting, and Fukuzawa deals the fatal blow to Mori first. Even though Mori also severely wounds Fukuzawa just seconds later, it’s more important that this fight showed us that they are practically equal in combat skill. Not to mention Natsume makes an appearance to tell the two of them to stop fighting since both of their organizations need to survive to uphold the Tripartite Framework, which is something they both agree to disagree on basically.

There’s also the events of Dead Apple where, while under the effects of Shibusawa’s fog, Mori and Fukuzawa are fighting their own abilities and struggling. However, when they meet and switch opponents, they easily take down the other’s ability. They even share a few lines of dialogue that shows they’re familiar with each other’s fighting styles and tricks, similar to their explosive meeting in chapter 30 during the Guild Arc.

Now let’s look at the situation Fukuzawa is in right now. His subordinates are in all danger, and the only one that could potentially be coming to his aid is Atsushi, which is a possibility that I’ll mention at the end of this post. However, doesn’t this setup of our protagonists in a life-or-death situation with no help in sight, seem a little familiar to you?

Dazai was surrounded by soldiers in chapter 31 when Chuuya arrived to (begrudgingly) help him out, on Mori’s orders. Dazai was literally dead in Dead Apple when Chuuya showed up to punch him in the face (deserved) to save him.

Atsushi rarely wins on his own, but with Akutagawa’s help and the singularity created by their combined abilities, they’re able to defeat almost any enemy. And when Atsushi was desperate for help in chapter 84, Akutagawa arrived, even if it was on Dazai’s orders.

Fukuzawa is currently losing the fight against the OP time traveling stabby stick wielding grandpa, putting him in a dire situation of trying to save the ADA while not dying in the process. So, will Mori come out from wherever he’s hiding to provide aid to Fukuzawa? Will zenki soukoku come back and parallel the other soukoku’s reuniting/working together to defeat the big bad? It’s hard to say, honestly, but I do believe it’s entirely possible considering Mori has been strangely missing in the story after agreeing to aid the ADA. Well, the ADA needs aid. Badly. And it’s about time they finally got some.

I think Fukuzawa and Mori have the potential to defeat Fukuchi together considering their both equal in strength, so perhaps putting their finely tuned skills together is what will prove to be our deus ex machina that defeats Fukuchi’s self-induced deus ex machinas that are honestly getting pretty damn tiring at this point.

There’s also the fact that Mori had originally agreed to aid the ADA on the condition that one of their members transfers to the Mafia, so perhaps Mori showing up to aid Fukuzawa will be a manipulation tactic to force them to agree to let him choose who he wants to join, since he only actually wants Yosano out of the deal. However, it’s possible that maybe Tanizaki will be the one to change organizations? He did offer to go in Yosano’s stead in chapter 65 when the deal was originally proposed by Mori, who straight up lied about what Fukuzawa told him over the phone that the one person Mori couldn’t choose was Yosano. Mori is a very, very smart man, so he probably knows that if he forces the ADA into enough of a corner under the guise of helping them, he can get what he wants out of them as well. He could also allow the majority/some of the ADA members to die or come close to force Yosano to heal them and work for him one way or another, since we saw in her backstory in the military that Mori isn’t above shooting someone to make Yosano heal them because now they’re “close to death”. He most likely hasn’t changed much in those ways over the years, so I’m expecting to see some extreme manipulation taking place on his part if he does come back into the story.

Honorable mentions that came to mind as I was working to gather potential suspects:

Atsushi

He’s there, kind of, I guess. So much of the arc recently has been like 2 pages of one perspective before changing to the next that I’m not even sure if he’s still the main protagonist anymore. /j

Since he’s also at the airport where this whole *gestures wildly* thing is happening between the two Fuku’s, it would make sense that he at least shows up during the fight. We also know he’s actively looking for Fukuzawa because he can’t decide on what to do next now that he knows what the DOA is after.

The only way I see Atsushi being implemented in the battle is if he gets super upset or angry over seeing all his friends and coworkers in serious trouble, and either Fukuzawa releases his ability (if that’s even possible) from Atsushi and allows him to use the full power of the White Tiger to fight Fukuchi, which could potentially defeat the time-traveling sword since the Tiger’s claws can cut through abilities. The other option is he goes feral? I don’t really know to be honest. Maybe he just gets his ass beat again by Fukuchi. Who knows. I’ll just be over here preparing the party poppers for Kunikida’s promotion I guess.

Verlaine

Why? For fun.

He’s never appeared in the main story line since he lives in the Port Mafia’s basement basically. But considering the Mafia kinda went up in flames (or vampires, I guess) it’s possible he’s on the move now. Whether he’d appear in the jail, to save Chuuya, or appear at the airport, potentially under Mori’s orders, I honestly don’t know. But, since he’s part of the Mafia and another character we haven’t seen, and the cover of volume 22 as well as other official artwork has been featuring several Stormbringer and Sheep references, some people believe we might be seeing someone from that cast of characters in an upcoming chapter. But honestly I think they might be on as much copium as I am…

It would be funny to see Verlaine show up and just crush Fukuchi in like 3 seconds while the rest of the protagonists couldn’t defeat him though.

Ango?

We see Ango last in chapter 95 when it’s revealed he’s the one that demanded a seal be put on One Order, at Dazai’s request as part of his plan to counter Dostoy. He hasn’t been a big player in this arc beyond being the coordinator early on for the ADA’s moves, but since they all were reunited and came up with their own plans, he’s been more active as just a background character acting on the messages from Dazai. But, since he is the final piece of the Tripartite Framework, I thought I’d just mention him here as well. Natsume clearly wants the three organizations to work together, so I wouldn’t be surprised if Dazai has also given Ango a message or plan to relay to Mori. I don’t think he’ll ever be a super big part of the current events, though, just more of the background coordinator.

The Guild?

We kind of see them and then we don’t. We know Fitzgerald wants to work with whoever is winning, which as far as we know, he thinks is going to be the ADA. He was giving them aid in exchange for Yosano healing Mitchell, but we don’t really see anything come after this agreement is made? Atsushi and Kyouka get into one ambulance with Mitchell inside to bring her to Yosano, and at the same time, Yosano (along with Tanizaki and Kenji) are attacked by the government who set up their own trap unknown to Fitzgerald and Atsushi. We know Fitzgerald didn’t set them up because in the first few pages after we see the government attacking, we see Fitzgerald explaining why he didn’t go with the 74 plans Alcott prepared that included selling out the Agency’s location. Technically, it only happened because Tachihara is a Hunting Dog, so he betrayed the location of the meeting since Mori sent him and the other Black Lizard captains for security, and Tachihara is using his metal manipulation to pretend as if there’s an ability user attacking them with the government so they have to retreat after Kenji is severely injured. He’s also there to prevent Atsushi from reuniting with Yosano just a few minutes later. Which is truly impressive since he’s technically fighting himself the entire time? Wow is that symbolism of him as a character if I’ve ever seen it, that’s for sure. Not to mention he also stabs himself with Gin’s knife, just *chefs kiss* of a character I really wish he wasn’t killed/vampire-d whatever the fuck happened because he deserved so much better. But anyway, we never see the Guild again after this. So we have no idea what they’re currently doing, nor have we seen the other branch of the “Guild” that Steinbeck created at the end of the Guild arc since the end of that arc. So, I doubt they’ll come back.

The Clock Tower?

They’d have jurisdiction over Meursault, but it’s hard to say if they’ll step in. They haven’t been a part of the story at all beside Agatha’s little cameo from chapter 12. On a side note, I believe Agatha’s ability will be something along the lines of causing death in accordance to the lines in the poem “Ten Little Soldiers” (obviously I’m not putting the original name here) since her ability is named after the mystery novel And Then There Were None that’s about ten people dying on an island of various means that follow the reasons in the rhyme of the poem. It’s quite interesting, actually. But back to my main point, I don’t really see why they would suddenly come into the story now. If anything, they might appear if Fukuchi decides to try and use his vampire army against the governments of the world and create a world-wide coup d’etat with One Order.

Is this a copium-driven fever dream of a hope to have? Haha, fuck yeah it is! But I’ll let the copium win today if it means having at least a little hope that Fukuchi’s arc of shitty OP-ness will come to an end soon. Please. Asagiri I’m begging. I’m on my knees. Just PLEASE

Anyways, that's my thoughts on the matter. This theory was a little out there and not really based on too much evidence, but I still felt the need to write up this post, or else the brainrot might actually get my final braincell and it'd be all downhill from there.

As always, I hope you enjoyed, and thanks for reading. If you have your own idea of what you think will be the thing to defeat Fukuchi, feel free to say it in the comments or send a message to my Inbox on my profile. We can cope theorize together :)

**i just finished editing this oh my god this is so long i’m sorry i just had a lot of brainrot about this and i’m desperately awaiting whatever is going to end Fukuchi to the point i want to do it myself