#I sectioned each topic off into each paragraph

[fumifooms]

The Nakamoto household - facts & theories masterpost

Table of contents:

the hierarchy & general situation

The parents

The Maizuru situation

The siblings

The other retainers

Izutsumi

Toshiro

Conclusion

I also made tldr summary charts here. This post is about collecting facts about the setting and characters, but it’s gonna be a lot of analysis on what it means through the lens of Toshiro as well, his relationship and place in everything etc etc. They have entangled drama the scale of Daltian Clan. Things are so interwoven it’s hard to keep topics neatly in their own section, because of this pictures may be relevant at several point of this but I mostly won’t be putting them in twice, you might have to do some scrolling up while reading if you want the visual proof to accompany statements. Unlike with Chilchuck’s family there’s less ambiguousness and more intricate details and implications so it’s less theorizing & headcanoning and more stringing together all the crumbs canon gave us. I also dig into some cultural parallels, especially since characters from Wa are the most culturally coded in the series. Also disclaimer that I’ll be calling Shuro Toshiro through this whole thing because that’s his actual name & Shuro isn’t even a nickname he’s shown to like, for accuracy’s sake. The servant girls have real names but are always called by their code names so I’ll call them as such, except for Izutsumi who was named Asebi which I won’t be using.

The general situation

To start off, what’s the situation in canon? All three kids of the head of the house, the three sons (Toshiro and his two younger brothers), are sent out on a vague mission to find something interesting for his father to pick the heir. Each son is thus on their own journey, out with their own group of retainers for an unsure length of time, during canon it’s been 2 years that Toshiro left the house for this mission, and they seemingly all drifted towards dungeons. It’s important to remember that this state of things is the exception and not the rule, and before this the sons lived at home and had different uses of their time, and the retainers had other jobs than care after them. See the next paragraph.

The household offers ninja services, no exaggeration or misuse of the term, mostly spyint but also "covert maneuvers" which could include anything including assassination of people high up. That’s the job of their servants/retainers at least, the heads themselves are more like managers probably, possibly samurais themselves though especially since as we see with the heirs (besides the samurai armor) they also got trained in fighting as their skills showcase. I need to dig into the history of samurais more before I can draw the parallel confidently though. The Nakamoto household is noble/wealthy, distinguished as the Adventurer’s Bible puts it, but it works for and puts its service at use for "their local lord". It buys servants, but also has families who have served it for generations like with Hien. The comic shows that there aren’t only women servants, it’s just the ones we see all happen to be because Toshiro’s retainers are only a small team of all of Nakamoto’s servants.

Above, in a page showcasing characters’ relationships with their party leader: 父親の部下を借りている状態なので、 距離がある。Doubtlessly there must be a translation of this already somewhere but I’m lazy and impatient so I turned to machine translation instead, this translates into: "Since he is borrowing his father's subordinates, there is a distance between him and them". Calling the servants retainers is what most of the fandom does and it’s accurate so I’ll be calling them this.

Hien and Toshiro were childhood friends which means the servants do have some degree of contact not even just together but with the heirs too, or maybe just specifically Hien, since both their parents were ninjas for the Nakamotos she ended up getting raised there and they let her play with him as an exception? They did end up drifting away as adults as their relationship got more professional, so it’s possible. The servants eat and sleep in shared spaces, separate from the masters, though Maizuru has her own bedroom, if the room configuration at the in is to be believed + it’d make sense since she’s governess/head servant. I’m hesitant wether to say it’s implied that this group of 4 retainers was always a bit of a team or it wasn’t and got formed for Toshiro specifically. We know that Benichidori had little contact with Toshiro before they were sent out together for example, but we do see all three girls with Izutsumi in Inutade’s extra when they were younger, and them eating in the same japanese styled room etc. The inn they stay at on The Island is western styled though they do have futons rather than beds (there’s only one bed in their shared room and Hien has it because of her rank).

From Izutsumi’s Adventurer’s Bible profile: "Maizuru, who was also Shuro's governess, is the one thing Izutsumi fears. After Izutsumi was taken in by the Nakamoto family, Maizuru forced her through a harsh training regimen of speech, common sense, and fighting skills. Since Izutsumi refused to listen to her, Maizuru set a curse on her that would activate if Maizuru didn't touch her within a set time frame: "Ninja Art: Babysitter." "

Maizuru, called a governess, is the one training the girls, at least some of them, we know for a fact she was the one to train Izutsumi for example, and in general she’s the one in charge of the ninja girls we see. She was a ninja herself but retired from frontline missions, but has a central role managing the servants instead. Inutade for example is strong but not stealthy, and it’s said that it’s Maizuru’s job to choose how to train her and what role to give her in consequence. Her training includes manners but fighting as well, notably kunais and martial arts. Hien is shown to use bombs and Benichidori is implied to be good at disguises, Inutade uses a bold weapon like a club but it’s implied with "ogres and clubs just go together" and Maizuru not knowing where to put her to use that it’s uncommon for Nakamoto servants to use those. Their board game artworks also show their specialties neatly. When brought into the household, the servants are given new names and their whole lives become devotion to the house and their duties. The names might be intended to act as code names due to them being ninjas? It’s implied that they never use their non-code names anymore once they start serving the household. Maizuru’s training also contains language and "common sense"… Critical thinking? As well as implied etiquette. This isn’t surprising, as she was the one put in charge of raising not only Toshiro but his brothers as well.

Oh yes I want to mention that all the retainers’ "first deaths" are in the dungeon during canon, considering our main cast we’re used to death being permissible because dungeons make resurrections possible, but it’s relevant to remember that these people never died before. Never. These girls are professionals, ninjas with a sometimes very dangerous job. Messing up means death, permanently.

From what we see and with who we see, the hierarchy is:

Father (head of house, his word goes)

Mother (has status which puts her wishes above others’ and give her some control over the house, it’s unsure how much though, but hierarchy wise she’s very much above the rest but below the father)

Maizuru (governess, in charge of (at least some) servants and raising Toshiro. Two dots)

Hien (leader of their squad, trained servant from a family devoted to the Nakamotos. Two dots)

Benichidori (trained bought servant. Two dots)

Inutade and Izutsumi (bought servants. Power wise from their rank it’s unsure just how much the difference between Inutade (who has one dot), Izutsumi (who has none) and Benichidori (who has two) is, since Hien is team leader between the four servants at least that’s measurable. Inutade gets some janitor duties, and Izutsumi has a curse put on her so she doesn’t run away I suppose. Power wise it’s unsure, but socially/role wise Inutade and especially Asebi are treated worse.)

I didn’t add the sons because I’m talking more generally about the power structure and it’d depend on each sibling, like Toshiro’s wants and directives during canon trump Maizuru’s, but Maizuru is also his nanny and manages the girls so she has a lot of importance and sway even on the final decisions.

The parents

I am so pissed I forgot that we know Toshiro’s father’s name, Toshitsugu, from these panels showing the progression of the family tree. I am so pissed I’m adding this halfway into writing this whole thing, I am not gonna go back and replace every "the father" by his name atm.

The father is the part of this puzzle most important yet most shrouded in mystery, or rather a lack of details. What we do know paints a pretty full and vivid portrait: impulsive and cares mainly about his own entertainment. Maizuru calls him a fool, his sons are exasperated and go "This again?" when he summons them saying that they’re boring/dull, everyone knows he’s having an affair and he often has undignified demeanor, but what he says goes so yes Maizuru will take Izutsumi under her wing, yes the sons will be going out right away into the world to find you the 8th world wonder, yes whatever you want lord. He seems to have little care for how his action affects others, like crashing into Maizuru’s room at night and asking she take care of a catgirl, or sending out his sons suddenly with kicks to the butts. He does what he wants hen he wants and others have to comply.

Like we see with Izutsumi and Inutade, he tends to take a liking to slaves here and there and buy them on the spot, usually at entertainment places, like sumo wrestling matches for Inutade and a freakshow for Izutsumi. The Adventurer’s Bible states him acquiring Inutade as "By coincidence, Shuro's father came to see her first match; he liked her and bought her for the Nakamoto family." and Izutsumi as "She was on display as a "cat-girl" in a sideshow when Shuro's father took an interest in her and bought her." In Maizuru’s extra, he calls Izutsumi a "souvenir" he got for her, and he’s drunk so it could well be assumed that buying Izutsumi was a drunken whim, and that he mitht be alcoholic. You can’t really say that he picks them out because he sees potential in them to be a ninja or would be useful, since with Izutsumi she had no fighting training and Inutade doesn’t fit the skills they seek like stealth and she has trouble fitting in. You could assign noble goals to him like maybe wanting to help or relating to the misfits, but I think with what we see of him it’s more likely that he likes to pick up "oddities", like a catgirl at a freakshow or an ogre, especially since one of the only things we know of him is he wants his sons to bring back interesting trophies from their travels. Toshiro, about his father buying Inutade, says: "People in power desire ogre as servants, and ogres are chosen as opponents in tests of strengths or military exploits. My father bought her for similar reasons."

Also from this we can infer that he goes out to events often, like circus and sumo wrestling, again mostly for entertainment from what we see. I like to think it’s implied that he used to travell maybe still does, due to his own liking for it as a test and because he visits various places like the sideshow, plus his forearm scars in Toshiro’s extra… But him being a samurai in service of a lord could definitely explain that.

This all paints an interesting picture doesn’t it… The Nakamoto’s lifestyle is super encased in rules and social propriety, duty and hierarchy. Old noble man who’s been surrounded by propriety all his life and just wants some spark of interesting stuff happening amongst the humdrum of his lavish cushioned life at home, and is shitty to people around him in consequence and due to his privilege allowing him to. He’s despicable, but from his 3 appearances he becomes an interesting well-fleshed character, at least proportionally to the screentime he gets…

We also know that the affair with Maizuru is well known at least inside the household, so there’s no genuine secrecy around the topic. Makes sense that the wife would hate her guts.

Ahh yes the mother. Little is known about the mother, except that from Maizuru’s profile "Shuro’s mother can’t stand the sight of her, to the point where there are areas on the property Maizuru is forbidden to enter. Maizuru, however, is impressed by his wife’s strength of character." From this I glean that she does have enough power/respect in the house that she can make rules like where Maizuru is allowed to go. Also the implication that otherwise Mazuru would have access to EVERYWHERE in the house despite being only a (high-ranking) servant is a bit interesting. Wether the mother’s "strength of character" is overt and hot-headed or understated and cool-headed is unsure, but I imagine the latter more. I could see Maizuru’s angle in many ways, from being able to tolerate "that fool" aka the father both just in general and with knowing that he’s cheating on her, to knowing how hard it is to be respected as a woman and admiring her putting up with it all and still being able to have sway in the household. This is I think the only mention of the mother anywhere. Doesn’t seem like she is an important figure to Toshiro at all: in fact we hear about her on Maizuru’s profile, and seeing all of this we can see the importance of her in Maizuru’s backstory and life, moreso than Toshiro’s. I imagine she’s a bit of a recluse, which is part of why Maizuru not being allowed to roam the full house is important, because them running into each other at the house is high.

It’s unsure how much contact the parents have with their kids. What we know is that they left the principal tasks of raising the kids, or at least Toshiro, to servants. Toshiro’s profile says that he’s more attached to Maizuru than his parents, and that’s the phrasing. From the comic where their father summons the sons, it does seem like they’re more or less used to interacting, with the sons’ "This again?". So it’s not that they’ve only interacted with them few times enough to count on fingers, but how meaningful were those interactions? From Toshiro’s profile we know he has a complex where he thinks he’ll never get recognition from his father or be able to measure up to him… But is that more born out of secondhand gossip and expectations, or from direct interactions with him that made him feel that way? Likely a mix of both, especially since the father does seem to be very dismissive, uncaring and insulting with his sons. Oh, but it’s definitely notable that in the Hag monster tidbit (below in Maizuru’s section) six years old Toshiro runs to his father scared shitless for help against the shikigami, and his father casually helps him without batting an eye. Toshitsugu knows how to deal with Maizuru’s shikigamis, and he does so efficiently and without any sense of worry or urgency. Although the event traumatized Toshiro and he was very scared, it doesn’t seem like his father offered any comfort, beyond just helping getting rid of it and letting him cower behind him without comment. Toshitsugu gives hungover vibes in that one imo haha. It’s shown he was already training as a ninja, perhaps this event only reinforced Toshiro’s complex, seeing his father, the samurai the achieved man who has expectations for him, so unfazed and uncaring like that.

The Maizuru situation

Let’s establish a timeline first. It’s left vague how much time she’s served the Nakamoto family for, or how she came to be in their service. The central point is that "She was put in charge of raising their children at a young age". If straight from his birth, Maizuru started taking care of Toshiro when she was 15 years old. If from toddler age, then 16. It’s uncertain if when she stopped getting front-line espionage missions, but we know it’s late rather than early despite having kid raising duties. But well, since she’s also in charge of the ninjas she’s definitely has a multitasking role even now.

The dad prob has around 5-10 years more than Maizuru, I’d say. We only see half of his face and only a good few years in the past, around ~3 years ago probably with the shuro quest and a good 7 years with Izutsumi as a kid, but visually those are the vibes I’m getting. From Toshiro’s birth, it’s possible that the father was 15 when the baby was born too? But conception would have been closer to 14 years old then, and yeah I don’t think they marry and have kids that young. Toshiro is 26 years old in canon and is unmarried, and the heir hasn’t been officially picked, so marriage and kids don’t seem to be in the family’s priorities. Even if Maizuru do say that the father would love if Toshiro brought back a wife.

Now the elephant in the room: she has an on-and-off affair with the father and it has been si for many many years, at LEAST 7 years since that’s when we see that comic of him going into her chambers about Izutsumi, and in the comic above, Hien in that panel has an ambiguous age. Regardless it’s definitely implied that it’s a long, long-standing thing. Hien’s phrasing above makes it sound as if it’s not purely physical, as if feelings are involved, "he’s head over heels for his confidante", and who knows if this relationship is part of why Maizuru was chosen to be the governess, or even hired at all.

It’s in the feud with his father that we learn about maizuru’s affair and how after learning it he started shutting her out emotionally. It’s left vague when Toshiro learned about it, Hien made it sound as if everybody always more or less knew but I don’t think Toshiro started shutting her out when he was still pretty young. Regardless, the two are implied to be linked, his dislike of his father/complex and how he stopped getting along well with Maizuru/being emotionally open with her. Is it that he now feels as though Maizuru is actually on his father’s side and not his own, that after all if she had to choose she’d pick him over Toshiro too? Or is it that, because his father’s known to be a self-centered frivolous jerk, that knowing she lets it happen, "can’t seem to shake it", he respects her less? He has an irresponsible reputation and she does give off the vibe of needing to clean up his messes, so that wouldn’t be unplausible either.

On the flipside from her perspective, since he learned she was his dad’s mistress he emotionally shut her out, which can partly explain why she’s SO fussy with him and happy at the slightest hint of happiness or compliance, like when he listens to her and eats, or maybe even being happy that he lets her help him dress and keep tidy (imo this is supported by how they interact in the page showing him interacting with all his party members). She wants to regain that closeness they once had and for her baby chick to be alright as he’s slipping through her fingers. Man so sad to think about him rejecting her when he’s the only thing in her life. She’s raised him for 26 years, no wonder she’s so attached to him, the only thing in her life she feels true unconditional attachment for. Maizuru says that she thinks Toshiro’ll be a better head of the house than the father, too. The respect and care is somewhat onesided, given freely from her side but repressed from his end. When she cares for Toshiro is when her demeanor immediately and drastically softens. She gets easily carried away when it comes to him, rambling enthusiastically or smiling widely or tearing up. Her tendency to ramble or tell anecdotes about Toshiro is shown making Hien and Benichidori go "Here she goes again…" twice through canon.

With Izutsumi’s timeline we see Izutsumi was taken into the Nakamoto household at 10 yo, and since in the comic with Maizuru and the dad she’s shown as stinky and all I imagine she arrived there the same day, so Maizuru was in charge of her since she was first here. In fact if we assumed that it’s the same day as when he bought her at the circus show, then we could assume that buying her was a drunken whim like mentioned.

Since Izutsumi was taken in at 10 and she’s 17, this would mean that Maizuru is 34 years old here. She looks younger without makeup, but lower than that is mathematically impossible besides maybe 33 if Maizuru and Izutsumi’s birthdays line up just right.

Time for the second elephant in the room!!

Maizuru’s magic

Maizuru is the only person in the Nakamoto household, anyone from Wa really, who we see using magic, I doubt she’d be the only one who can use magic in the household but as the governess it wouldn’t be unplausible I suppose. From what we see, the magic is estimated by Marcille to be an "appropriation of gnomic magic" with an eastern script. For my analysis of written magic (though with only a brief glance over Maizuru’s magic), see this post.

If you scroll up and read the little section on Maizuru’s profile, Ninja art: babysitter: "One of the curses put on Izutsumi is Ninja Art: Babysitter, which manifests as a terrifying hag shikigami. Unless Maizuru touches the victim within a set time frame, this terrible curse makes a hag appear and chase them around with a carving knife. Maizuru originally created it in an attempt to keep Shuro from getting lost, but it ended up traumatizing him…"

From Izutsumi’s profile: "Maizuru, who was Shuro’s governess, is the one thing Izutsumi fears. […] Since Izutsumi refused to listen to her, Maizuru set a curse on her that would activate if Maizuru didn’t touch her within a set time frame: "Ninja Art: Babysitter." It was put on her when she was 12. Since Toshiro had it as a kid, presumably the curse can be lifted off rather easily, Marcille was confident on reverse engineering it as well. It’s unsaid what the time frame is, it’s kept vague everywhere and Izutsumi herself says "who knows" how long it is. Izutsumi ran away despite the very real risk of it killing her. Essentially, Maizuru can put people in a timebomb collar

… MAIZURU WHAT THE HELL

As we might have expected, Maizuru being given the task of rasing a child at 15 did not go perfectly. This, a babysitting technique??! This comic happens when Toshiro was 6 and so Maizuru was 21. Interesting to note that Toshiro didn’t even know it was Maizuru’s doing before this conversation during canon, and he doesn’t know how to bring it up or deal with it how it affected him. Maizuru seems surprisingly uncaring of Toshiro’s feelings on the matter here, oblivious to his conflict her and fondly recalling it all.

This curse is a shikigami. From her profile: "A shikigami user, Maizuru has a variety of shikigami that have been sealed in paper as her servants. Her favorite seems to be Gyuki, a bull ogre." Now don’t ask me when Gyuki appears, I do not remember it. But before we go into the cultural/historical basis for this practice, let’s take a second to recognize the parallel that Maizuru has servants she keeps sealed unless useful in the moment, even despite having enough "attachment" to have a favorite. She’s the governess in charge of the other servants, and she has shikigamis, which she has used on the heir and the runt at the bottom of the hierarchy alike.

Shikigami, in traditional japanese folklore, are conjured to exercise risky orders for their masters, such as spying, stealing and enemy tracking. Shikigami are said to be invisible most of the time, but they can be made visible by binding them into small, folded and artfully cut paper manikins.

Shikigamis are from onmyodo, onmyoji is a profession-legal title historically but it’s what you call a practitioner of onmyodo, and so I feel content in saying that Maizuru is an onmyoji, or based on it. Her outfit reminds me of a shinto priest. It’s interestingly closer to a shinto priest outfit than a miko/shrine maiden’s (in picture below, 2 instead of 5), and I feel like red being chosen for the inner sleeve is a very charged decision since the white & red color combo is the shinto clothes color combo. Especially white clothes with red inner sleeve. Shinto priests can be women nowadays but they’re rare, and onmyojis can be considered shinto priests though it’s a more complex than that. Image below as example, source. Now I don’t think Maizuru has the role or prestige of a priest at all- But the association with onmyodo and spirituality is definitely meant to be made I think. Onmyojis are usually clothed similarly to this.

The babysitter ninja art seems to be based off of the hannya yokai. "They were once human women who were consumed by jealousy and transformed into demonesses", twisted by anger and resentment. Interesting considering her being a mistress to a man whose wife hates her. Hannyas are associated with wisdom because of its name, but there is nothing positive about them. At its highest level of "demonic corruption" if I can call it that, their body tend to become serpentine, fun link to make with her name being from the snakeberry plant.

Other cultural ties or symbolism on Maizuru’s character could be found in the motif of cranes due to her sleeves, in the tales of the crane wife, origami cranes (called orizuru, from deformation of 鶴 "tsuru" aka "crane". All names are written in katakanas in Dungeon Meshi, but thus if we had had the kanjis it’s possible her name would have been written with the kanji for crane), tennyos, and japanese crane symbolism in general. I thought cranes might have been associated with motherhood, but seemingly not in japanese culture at least, I was thinking of storks haha.

Ok speaking of her name. Maizuru is the name of an existing japanese city (舞鶴), meaning "dancing crane". From @room-surprise’s work in progress research paper on Dungeon Meshi characters’ names: "Maizuru is her ninja code name, and comes from “maizurusou”, which is maianthemum dilatatum, the snakeberry plant/two-leaved Solomon's seal/false lily of the valley. Lily of the Valley is a plant associated with motherhood and virtue… So Maizuru being a false Lily of the Valley implies that she is a false, replacement mother, and also hints at the way that Toshiro became cold towards her when he realized she was his father’s mistress, and not a pure, virtuous mother-like figure that he thought she was. Also, lilies are toxic to cats, which makes sense since Maizuru and Izutsumi have an extremely bad relationship." For more details I’ll leave it up to Room when the paper is ready to be released. Edit: It’s out!! Click here! Incredible meta that goes into a ton of details not only about Maizuru.

So some big themes of her character are: (false) motherhood, spirituality/magic, control, cranes, woman’s jealousy.

The siblings

Alriight so besides Toshiro the eldest at 26 years old, there is Toshiyuki (Toshitsuge in one fantranslation) the middle son and Toshizane the youngest (Toshikage in one fantranslation). They were all said to be raised by Maizuru. "A strange level of distance" is interesting. Why strange? I feel like this implies they do interact regularly, and that they’re all rather civil wirh each other, but they still have little bond to speak of. That wouldn’t surprise me, especially since even inside the family etiquette and propriety and rules are enforced, the summoning by his father feels very formal and they all listen to him standing in silence despite having snappy inner thoughts. It’s unsure if they were largely raised together or apart, but since Maizuru was their (at least main) caretaker/governess it implies that they were imo. They were put in competition with each other for the title of heir to the house, though it’s unsure to what degree. It’s examplified by their family all having names that start with "Toshi" that the legacy is very important and thrust upon them, cogs in a machine almost. They all think the same thing when their father summons them and has a spiel, so they’re used to the same sort of treatment and they are indeed brothers for being on similar wavelengths haha.

Toshiyuki, as seen in the comic about his retainers, the poor soul sent into Darkest Dungeon, is brattish. Rude, selfish and rather lecherous, does not hesitate to be mean to his retainers and complain he wasn’t given women retainers. Visually he looks what, 14 years old top. I wonder if Maizuru stopped using her babysitter ninja art on the heirs after it traumatized Toshiro, and if so maybe that explains why Toshiyuki Knows No Fear In His Heart™️ and that’s why he can spout off stuff like that.

The retainers for the youngest brother, Toshizane, don’t seem to be as clad in ninja gear as the other two, seems like the priority is to take care of the very young young master there? Rather than truly go adventuring and dungeoneering, perhaps. Not that it’s ever said by anyone that their quest is to go into dungeons specifically, only to find something "interesting" to bring back, but both Toshiro and Toshiyuki are shown to have ended up drifting into dungeons. Toshizane looks young, I’d clock him 8 years old personally. He’s drawn looking rather innocent, especially the headshot doodle above and in the Toshitsuge complaining about his retainers comic. ALTHOUGH on the latter, interestingly as we see with Toshiro having a smug smirk in that same panel (or alternatively a smug indifferent/uncomfortable "i don’t care about this, even though you want it so much" look which at the very least is very exaggerated from how he emotes in reality), it’s Toshiyuki’s unreliable/exaggerated vision of his brothers and it doesn’t necessaeily reflect reality, though it’s still interesting to note that that’s the vision Toshiyuki has of his brothers/the impression Toshizane gives off. That can imply juicy dynamics for the brothers, for example if Toshiyuki feels as though he’s in competition with his brothers, feels superior to them, that instead of pushing the shitty family dynamic angst onto his father he puts the blame for it all onto Toshiro. Toshizane seems maybe too young to notice the tensions and seriousness around him, maybe more coddled… IS WHAT I WOULD SAY BUT in the comic where their father send them away he’s as well-behaved and serious as the others, so clearly he has a grasp on his role.

When talking about which retainers go with who, it’s said it was the father’s choice. I’d like to assume it wasn’t an airheaded/random choice. Maybe he knew that Toshiyuki would be weird about having women in his team of retainers? And wants to forge their character or protect them in the way they need. Though how Toshiro’s party only has women isn’t only pointed out and commented on by the comic with Toshitsuge but also in the main Dungeon Meshi story, both Marcille and Chilchuck going "his party is fully made up of women", one more loudly than the other haha. So it does feel like a somewhat pointed/purposeful decision, if not that the 4 girls were already a team like I mentioned.

The other retainers

Already made an analysis of Hien and Benichidori’s relationship (+ moment compilation) here. Honestly my juices are exhausted so quick rundown:

Hien’s parents both serve the Nakamotos, so she grew up with the family and was even a childhood friend of Toshiro. She assumed he and her might end up in a Maizuru-Toshitsugu situation ‘just because that’s how things are’/‘it’d be a natural development’ if we’re to believe Hien, ahh what growing up at the Nakamotos’ with those role models will make you believe is normal hah, and was surprised when it ended up not in that way at all. They grew more distant with time, in good part because of the professional nature of their roles in relation to each other (truly a reversal of the Maizuru-Toshitsugu situation). She’s the leader of their lil squad, under Maizuru, she’s very confident and she gets the perks, like getting the bedframe in the shared inn room. For all the details just read her page. She has two dots, showing her rank as a full fledged ninja. I made a more in depth more speculative reading of her in this post.

Benichidori was bought, by "the Nakamotos" so we don’t know who made the final decision. She’s perceptive and submissive, her specialty is implied to be disguise. She never had much contact with Toshiro before she became part of his party. She has facial dysmorphia where she fears the judgement of others if she doesn’t wear makeup and highly values beauty, in her extra her anxiety really shows and she ends up angrily snapping at Hien. Benichidori ends up taking a big liking to Hien and from there on they’re implied to be inseparable. She has two dots, showing her rank as a full fledged ninja.

Inutade is said to worship Toshitsugu because he "saved her" from her horrible life conditions, buying her personally from the sumo matches, she’s extremely grateful to the family and is happy to do any work they give her and is highly satisfied with her current living conditions. She seems to find Toshiro intimidating, though. She was separated from her parents from before she can remember and raised as a sumo wrestler in inhumane betting matches, where her front tooth broke. It seems she has very littke ambitions and dreams besides obeying orders day to day, but after Izutsumi fled away she was happy for her and mused that she’d love to go out and find her one day. They’re so besties Izutsumi gave her a dream of her own I’m sobbing… </3 She has one dot, showing she still has to be attributed her role and earn her stripes.

Their approval rating of their leader. The highest total score from all the parties.

Izutsumi

Sighh where to even begin. Her timeline was put in Maizuru’s section of this post but the rundown is "taken away from parents and turned into a beastkin" at 6 yo (the human half of her soul), "sent to a sideshow on the island of Wa" at 7 yo and bought by Toshitsugu at 10 yo when he took an interest in her when he visited the sideshow. Maizuru put the curse on Izutsumi at age 12, so from then on she always had to not stray much far from Maizuru or risk death, it’s unsure if Inutade’s extra is from before that time, before she was 12, so she could still attempt many many tries to run away. If that’s the case, then Maizuru’s curse was very much treated as a last resort, honestly beyond everything else I can see it being a pain that Maizuru would need to touch her every so often on Maizuru’s schedule as well. The alternative is that, not unlike Kabru who had no regrets dying in a dungeon rather than staying with Milsiril, she’d risk her life to get a taste of freedom. Besides, you know, being a slave and having a timebomb collar with Maizuru’s curse, her frustrations with her life with the Nakamotos is most concisely put in the comic just up above, Inutade’s extra.

She has no dot tattoo, meaning she’s at rock bottom of the hierarchy. It makes sense, since unlike Inutade she’s rebellious and needs threats to obey orders, and even then might try shifty business.

This last part where Izutsumi tries sleeping with Toshiro is most interesting to me. So she’s sought out contact with Toshiro before, she considers him "the stuck-up guy" but she doesn’t exactly hate him. I wonder if this comic is set in the inn on The Island or back at the Nakamoto household, because if that’s the latter it implies that she could get access to his room if she’s sneaky.

Oh oh also, this is fanon but since Toshiro’s weapon is one used usually on horseback, and with the steadfast and upright character of horses I associate Toshiro with horses a bit, though this is wild fanon. What’s interesting is that the plant Asebi was named after is a plant infamous for being toxic to horses. Hehe hehehe he wears a ponytail… Hm now that I think of it hairdos have importance for samurais, should look into that.

Toshiro

God. Ok. Everything was leading up to this guy. Need to split open his head like a geode and vibecheck his brain crystals. Let’s get some interesting details out of the way first.

His weapon is a tachi, not a katana. The wikipedia on tachis is more in depth if you want, but I consider the article I linked to be in deoth and digestible. Tachis are heavier and longer blades than katanas, and make for better horseback weapons than close combat. The way Toshiro uses one instead of a katakana shows that he’s extra strong… And does make sense, since most monsters won’t fight in as close quarters as human fighters. If katanas aren’t a thing in the world yet could make a difference, since tachis were invented first, and once the katana was invented and spread tachis became something more common in higher-ranking samurais. In the monster tidbit of the Hag, it’s shown that even at 6 years old Toshiro was training and learning ninja skills, his first instinct to the shikigami besides running being to fight.

Toshiro knew that Izutsumi wanted to leave, for sure. He may have been sympathetic, if his cryptic look back at her in the ‘Toshiro interacting with his party members’ page means anything. As seen below though, him being sympathetic doesn’t necessarily mean that much. Also, Toshiro had to have known about the curse on Izutsumi, where if Maizuru doesn’t touch her once in a while she’d die. "Asebi must have ran away, leave her" can be seen as subtle support for her to gain her freedom, but it could just as easily be seen as him leaving her behind to die. Because the outcome options are 1) she gets killed by Maizuru's curse, 2) she finds a way to break the spell, 3) she finds a way back to them.

He’s very conflict averse. Wether it be in relationships like with Laios or the status quo. Will not stand up for 99% things including himself. He obeys his father quietly despite his anger and dislike. This is the same guy who can't even get himself to speak up to correct the butchering of his name, the slippery slope that got him tangled in the Laios party seemingly without resistance. It’s very japanese etiquette from even nowadays, never saying a direct no to not be rude. ALSO THAT PANEL, has Toshiro beaten an ogre before?? Is that a brother of his?? Does seem in character for Toshiyuki the most, unless Toshiro was desperate to earn his father’s attention with feats. On the right I’d say the ones in the foreground are two of the brothers, maybe the third being the one to gesture to the ogre. It’s worth noting that inheritance laws during the Edo period often made the heir the son with "the most merit".

When with a goal that’s important to him he’s fine with even starving for it. Although what we see him be like that about in canon is Falin, aka self-admittedly in the post-canon proposal comic "the first person he has liked this much", which for him I feel is like admitting she’s one of the first things he has truly wanted for himself and fought for, soo… It’s more like an exceptional freaking out moment than something that would be recurring, most likely. How disheveled he got is a testament to how much he would forego propriety and rules for people of his status for the person he cares about most. Maizuru says the first personal request he’s (ever?) made was for them to help him rescue Falin.

Which ahh yes, his crush on Falin. I do think idealization plays into it, he doesn’t know Falin that well for sure, but it’s more complex than that too. Falin is pretty and can have an ethereal energy to her, she’s caring and gentle kinda motherly which Toshiro would find soothing I imagine, BUT MOST OF ALL. She’s weird!! She’s just weird enough to allow and be charmed by!! Shuro was fully shaped by his upbringing and environment of nobility, social etiquette and whatnot. Yeah she’s weird and quirky, but still quiet and sweet-mannered enough that he’s like "Yes, she wouldn’t bring shame on my family name". And why would he be charmed by her weirdness? Because all he’s ever known is rules!! Conformity, fitting in!! Unlike the others he knows, she is weird without being overbearing as well. "Woah she’s so different… She’s kind and soft and doesn’t care about fitting in… She is out of this world, she’s free, she shows me a world where tenderness and authenticity is possible…" She’s like his comfort character. MOREOVERRR I had totally forgotten about it, but Toshiro was shown watching a snail behind a bush and losing sight of everything else (like Maizuru calling him) as a kid in the Hag monster tidbit, the moment he fell in love with Falin it was when she looked enthralled at a caterpillar and he mentions how "most girls would have screamed or recoiled in disgust", and in the beach chibis page he’s crouching and collecting shells thinking about Falin… He likes bugs and crawly critters guys, he wishes he could be cottagecore too… It’s a genuine shared interest… . Someone pointed out that Toshiro & Falin’s relationship probaboy references this japanese folk tale, and I think that’s very interesting to note.

And Maizuru is like his mom but it’s a Thistle situation where they can’t just be a normal family and normal affectionate either- and when he learns about his father having a thing with her he feels weirded out. And like. Who knows how much he even got out of the mansion. He got homeschooled. He’s distant with his brothers. The family is in shambles

Shuro’s issue is that he was taught to be perfect and have the upmost respectable behavior, so if something annoys him he has to be righteous about it and that it’s the annoying thing’s fault or moral failing. Bro just let yourself be petty sometimes it’s healthier. With the feud with his father it’s explicitly stated that the pressure and expectations of the family name weigh on him a lot.

But then, that makes his beef with Laios so understandable doesn’t it. Not justified, but explained certainly.

Laios & Shuro and the whole mess coming to a head

I’ve made an analysis of the Laios-Shuro fight from Laios’ pov before, here. This is the Shuro pov analysis. Yes yes in The Fight, Shuro is dehydrated sleep-deprived and underate, he’s majorly off his rocker, BUT his frustration and the underlying issues are still things he felt on any day and it’s interesting to note.

Toshiro has been raised from his birth with the priority of propriety, nobility, etiquette, rules, conforming elegantly, appareances and reputation are everything. He’s modest, humble, quiet, stays in his lane and bottles all his feelings up. Wait who is this loud guy coming up to me being inconsiderate and loud af?? Does he not see me blinking in morse code that I’m not enjoying this and want him to leave?? Was he raised in a barn?? He’s overbearing and rude and way too friendly- He’s weird wtf! Not conforming to basic etiquette is illegal??! And people just… Let him do whateve he wants?? He lives well, no one stops him or kills him?? What the fuck, I’ve followed rules and etiquette thoroughly all my life, and it’s thankless work I get no recognition for, meanwhile he gets to be oblivious af and do whatever he wants without getting clapped?? Resentment, frustration, dislike, anger anger anger, jealousy.

Laios might even remind Toshuro of his dad in a way, because he SEEMS impulsive and like he does whatever he wants without a care to people around him, without thinking of how it might affect them. Doing things without thinking through the Implications. And interestingly this is a bit paralleled to to how Shuro is serious, strict, and big on the duties that come with having a leader role and the family dynamic it brings, like Laios’ own father, who Laios also dislikes… Dealing with his anger towards Laios, especially knowing that Laios doesn’t mean anything bad by it like Toshiro admits, is probably very healing to him. He stops repressing and thinks through his issues a bit, realizes what parts of his life he’s unhappy with and where all the negative feelings come from. I do think he bottles up his dislike for his father a bit, he has to at least for appearances. His beef with Laios is repackaged internalized anger for his father, but it’s ALSO repackaged frustration from his etiquette-bound lifestyle. He says it himself, when Laios is like "You never told Falin how you feel…? Alright, when I can I’ll tell her for you buddy!!", "that’s the part of you that I envy". Laios’ ability to just come out and say what he wants to, what he means. He wishes he could be free of all the rules more, that he had te courage to speak out, like with Inutade, or talking things out with Maizuru, or nit having to act like he’s not angry with his father. This narrative point of Toshiro envying Laios’ ability to say things freely and being frustrated by not being able to himself is ESPECIALLY examplified by their first interactions, the basis of their relationship: Laios enthusiastically befriending him, giving him a bad nickname and roping him into joining his party, with Toshiro never turning it all down despite wanting to, too hesitant to act possibly rude.

And now is time for the laishuro addendum… Because of personal experiences it’s a bit of a sensitive spot to me so while I see timelines in which I enjoy it I’m very picky… This is all further theorizing from me btw I’m not pushing my view here onto ppl as facts, but I think there’s more interesting bits and scenarios to bite into here. Laishuro has very cute and sweet potential. I personally don’t see the "Oh wait Laios is just girl Falin… 😳" angle because to me if anything that’d just make Shuro disillusioned with Falin lol, but like yes make Shuro learn that it’s ok to be weird with Laios 🥺 They DO have differences first of all, important ones, especially from Toshiro’s perspective. Laios is overwhelming, whereas Falin is soothing. Laios is loud and asks things of him where Falin is a calm, quiet presence. Laios pushes himself onto Toshiro, whereas Falin is content on just doing her own thing in her corner alone.

Hot take but the ultimate laishuro timeline is the one where he DOESN’T bring Laios back home, because he knows he’ll be seen as an oddity and clown by his father, and he doesn’t want Laios to be treated like the tapdancing monkey there to please and entertain his father the way he himself has always kind of been. Wouldn’t inflict that onto someone he loves. He can recognize when people are taken advantage of (mostly) like Inutade, and it doesn’t settle right with him. He might be especially sensitive to it in Inutade’s case because it’s about seeing his dad in a better light than he deserves, though. His father is his weak spot, THE weak spot.

It gets me so emotional thinking about it actually because seeing Laios played like a fiddle by his father, Laios so happy to find someone who’s enthusiastically listening to him ramble and engaging, would destroy Shuro emotionally I think. Like. On one hand being like "Oh of course my dad would find Laios fun, unlike me his boring son", super angry as coping mechanism for his intense sadness of not having positive parental attention, and then on the other he’d see Laios being treated as a clown and identify with it and that would remind him of how he gets treated similarly which he’s in denial about (more or less, but since he puts up with the family rules and follows along he hasn’t given up on getting recognition. He wants his father’s approval, and he couldn’t blame Laios for being happy with it despite how hurtful that attention truly is without Laios’ knowledge), which would be such an overwhelming conflicted mess of emotions and his worldview would shatter a bit because he has to repress it all even now, and he’d have a breakdown.

And similar deal but if he brought Falin home… Bc ok yes he idealizes her and doesn’t even know her all that well, but like I said imo what he sees in her is that "Woah she’s so different… She’s kind and soft and doesn’t care about fitting in… She is out of this world, she’s free, she shows me a world where tenderness and authenticity is possible…" So meanwhile with Laios he’d have mixed feelings on him getting treated like a clown and identify with it, bringing Falin home and having her be demeaned would be like having his perfect comfort character dunked on and he gets reminded that the world can’t have anything good actually. With both Toudens it’d make his resentment towards his father even worse, he might snap. I’m not the biggest on gendered analysis tbh but Kui evidently does like to do it to some degree, with the genderbending changing their life considerably and different fantasy cultures having different gender roles and all, but Shuro idealizing the Touden sister as something perfect he cannot attain while being jealous and frustrated at Laios for being something he cannot attain is like. So compelling actually. With Maizuru’s hannya of female rage weaponized there could be a theme of pushing the blame and responsibilities of things onto women too, the responsibility to raise and to manage and to dish out the work and to clean after mens’ reckless decisions. Anyways just a tangent.

Shuro on a bad family angst day is everything I love in a blorbo… He can be a lil shitty as a treat to make his healing arc more fulfilling. Toshiro snapping after he sees how they treat Laios/Falin and he gives up the family headship to LEAVE. Maizuru arc where she has to choose between loyalty to the clan and loyalty to Toshiro, will she stay with the boy she raised or go home… To me Maizuru is much less sympathetic than Shuro, but she is pretty tragic and her selfless love for Shuro is her one redeeming quality. Babygirl take no shit no more, but also better yourself and turn your life around please and thank you… She is so evidently taken advantage of but like. What else does she have? So she just takes care of and loves the boy she raised like her own kid and goes about her daily life in servitude and doesn’t think too much about it all.

Shuro is awful a nickname but also, I think Shiro would be a good nickname for Toshiro, because it gets rid of that ‘Toshi’ first part of his name that all the male members of his family share. It severes the link to his father and the tied pressure from his family.

Laishuro brotp turning slow burn romance would be so lovely. I think college au for laishuro would be peak actually… Shuro so is the repressed "I am so normal" guy who has a furry liberation identity crisis arc… I also quite like the potential he’d have with Namari, as both work-oriented misfit foreigners cast out of their homes, and she’s also bolder so it’d be good for him, and he could bring her stability… That’s a topic for another day tho. Even he and falin are sweet tbh, they could have traveled around together even if just as friends… Bc yeah she does value him as a friend at least somewhat, she says she’ll visit him~! Mostly I want Izutsumi-Toshiro brotp fancontent.

Conclusion

The household is very hierarchy oriented, and honestly the system doesn’t seem to make anyone happy, or at least not healthily so. Sighh feudalism.

Obviously their situation are very different, but still Toshiro and Izutsumi react to the same conflict in opposite ways: when a hierarchy and lifestyle of rules and duty is thrust upon them, Toshiro obeys and believes that it’s how things simply are, always having it been drilled into him since being a baby and being privileged enough to live ok with things as they are, meanwhile Izutsumi rages and eventually breaks free and never wants to submit herself to rules or hierarchy ever again, even if that perceived hierarchy is a mutually beneficial professional party dynamic or having a role inside a well-meaning team, like Laios’ party. WHICH IS WHY THEY SHOULD HANG OUT AND HAVE AN ARC TOGETHER. LET HER INFLUENCE HIM TO GET WILDER AND THINK OF HIMSELF MORE. FUCK INHERITING THE HEADSHIP. THE SIBLINGS NARRATIVE.

As always if I find more stuff to add i’ll edit it in. Rn I’m thinking that I’ll look into ninja & samurai feudal history and try to find specific terms that might fit their roles and situations more. I should reread try to cover Izutsumi’s end of the Toshiro-Izu dynamic as well.

I greatly recommend this paper for more excellent meta on all named Dunmeshi characters and their culture!

Ah yes yes, I forgot to talk about it but we don’t know what Toshiro’s retainers have been doing with their time on The Island, especially while he was dungeon diving with Laios and co. Although in the anime’s ed in this shot we see them "stealthily" follow him around, so presumably when he’s not in dungeons they’re tailing his moves.

Afterword here, it has summary charts about the power structure & relationships and complementary pages and artworks, couldn’t put them in here because SIGH 30 pictures per post limit.

[just-a-creep-babe]

A Demon’s Ache — Part 19

Eyeless Jack x Reader

A Demon's Ache Masterlist

Dedicated to @cookiereblogss --- tysm for all the support you've provided, this series wouldn't be here without you <333

Requests are closed but commissions are open!

Masterlist: x

Just like always, parting from you is difficult

He’s helped you clean up after everything’s been said and done, but even then, he just can’t bring himself to leave

He doesn’t want to abandon the warmth of your body, doesn’t want to abandon the indulgence of your scent surrounding him

And he can almost trick himself into believing it’s mutual

Your gaze lingers on him for a split second longer than usual, and your lips part, almost as if you want to say something

Jack’s never really been a religious man, but he’d pray to every god under the sun if it meant you’d stay with him

Tell me to stay, tell me you want me as badly as I want you

But then you press your lips back together, like you’ve reconsidered your words, and part of his black heart shrivels up and dies just a little bit more

“I should get back to my room,” you say, and when you bite your lip as you say it, all he can think about is kissing you until you’re both dizzy all over again

He swallows thickly, nodding

He wants to say something, but he can’t think of the right words

Tension mounts, filling the sparse distance between you

He can’t bring himself to move

And, from the very first moment he met you, he’s almost always felt like there was something pulling him towards you

But right now, that feeling’s amplified tenfold, and God, the mere thought of parting from you is nauseating

More

All he can think about is how badly he wants more of you

He’s so fucking hopeless

He’s about to lean in to kiss you again, acting purely on some base impulse within him

But then, you blink, as if snapping yourself out of some trance

And you mumble out an excuse, turn away, and leave him behind again

He has to fight every ounce of his being screaming at him to follow you

A few minutes later, he’s lying in bed, staring at the ceiling, trying his hardest not to think about going to your room

It’s pointless, he knows it is

With one final breath, he sighs, summons the willpower to get up, and tries to find a way to make himself useful

He avoids the hallway that leads to your room, instead opting to take the longer route to the library

Doing research is going to help keep his mind off things, he thinks

Well, it’s either going to distract him, or make things even worse by reminding him of what he did to you

But, at this point, he’s willing to try almost anything to stop overthinking

The warm smell of old books greets him as he enters the familiar room

Rows and rows of imposingly large bookshelves press up against the walls, each of them holding hundreds of colourful books—novels, encyclopedias, bibliographies, scientific studies—whatever topic you could possibly want to read about is kept in this very room

Despite being what could almost be considered the “heart” of the mansion, however, it’s almost always empty

And today is no exception

Jack takes in a deep breath, enjoying the honeyed scent of aged paper and the intimacy of the large empty space

He takes a second to orient himself amongst the rows of information, and then it doesn’t take long for him to find the section on all things demonic anatomy

As soon as he gets settled into his research, he doesn’t notice the time going by

And every time his thoughts drift back to you, he forces his attention back to the task at hand

All he allows himself to focus on are the paragraphs upon paragraphs explaining the compositions of demons

Mating rituals, sexual reproduction, anatomical differences, cultural and generational distinguishers—

He knew the demonic world was complex, but he never realized just how complex it really is

He ends up with a pile of heavy books stacked up next to him at a secluded table

Finding specifics is more difficult than he realized it’d be, especially because he doesn’t exactly know where he fits into things

Does he classify as possessed? A cross-breed? Some kind of undead?

He knows the very basics of what the cult was trying to summon when they created him, but clearly, they didn’t know the ritual properly, or it wasn’t a functional ritual, because he’s damn sure they weren’t planning on ending up with whatever he is now

He’s a fucking walking abomination because of those incompetent assholes

After what feels like arduous hours of research, he only finds anything useful in a mere two of the books he’d initially pulled out

And with his limited information on the specifics of his “breed,” he only manages to gather a couple of points that might be relevant

One; mating marks are much less common between a human and a demon, so both the available information and known effects are even more limited to begin with

Two; the intensity of a mark’s effect generally reach their peak anytime within the first to fourteenth day, and it gradually stabilizes after anywhere between three months to a whole year

Three; the intensity of the effects further depend on the type and strength of the demon, which, while useful to know, is ultimately a null point because, again, Jack’s a fucking abomination of a monster

Four; there are no known ways to reverse the effects of a mark

Reading that fourth point leaves a bad taste in his mouth, but he tries not to dwell on its implications too much

Finally, the fifth point; because shared marks between humans and demons aren’t common, depending on the type and strength of the demon, there’s a high likelihood of the human not surviving the initial peak of the effects—which, again, makes cataloguing the anomaly all the more difficult

That last point is all he can take before snapping the book shut

Fuck

Fuck fuck fuck

He stands, his thoughts racing a mile a minute

He’s about to rush back to you to make sure you’re ok, but as soon as he takes that first step, he stops dead in his tracks

Wait

What’s he supposed to say—he fucked up and bound you to an eternal arrangement, without your consent, and now there’s a chance it’ll fucking kill you?

The implications of it all crash into him like a tidal wave, and he suddenly feels like he’s drowning in a million and one thoughts—each one worse than the last

How badly did he fuck up?

He doesn’t realize how hard his heart’s pounding or how quickly he’s breathing until the room starts to feel like it’s shrinking around him, and he’s not sure if he’s about to puke or pass out

Keep it together, keep it together for her sake

He swallows thickly

Deep breath in, deep breath out

After years of managing his instincts, he, at the very least, has gotten decent at controlling himself when his emotions spiral

Deep breath in, count backwards from ten, deep breath out

It’s ok, he’ll figure something out, he tells himself, and he doesn’t know if he’s blatantly lying to himself, but it doesn’t matter right now, anyways

Right now, he needs to think clearly

He needs a plan

He doesn’t know how much longer he stays at the library, either pacing back and forth, wrestling his frantic thoughts, or standing deathly still with his sight zeroed-in on the books splayed out on the table

It’s like he just can’t think of anything useful—his mind’s a fucking mess

He’s too tense, too high-strung to think properly

He needs to calm down if he wants to get anywhere productive, he realizes

He pauses one last time to weigh his options

And then he blows out a frustrated breath of air, picks up the useful books, and heads out of the library

Straight to his room, he dumps the books on his desk, leaving them open to re-read later, then heads out of the mansion

He tries not to think about you, but it’s just about impossible to stay distracted for more than a few minutes at a time

He registers that it’s dark and cloudy outside when he steps out, but he’s otherwise too absorbed in his own thoughts to focus on his surroundings any more than that

Hunger

If there’s any feeling strong enough to compete with the thought of you, it’s his hunger

He lets it take over, lets himself surrender to his baser instincts, and the rest of the night is basically a blur

You still resurface in and out of his mind, but whenever he sinks his teeth into that squirming human flesh, the sweet burst of blood filling his mouth snaps him out of it all over again

He’s not proud of what he does, but in the heat of the moment, he’s too indulgent to care

He’ll regret it in the morning

He always does

Surely enough, by the time the sun is creeping along the horizon, he’s satiated, yet nauseous with guilt

He returns to the mansion, makes his way to his room, and almost immediately collapses into bed

He’s filthy, covered in dried bits of blood and gore, but that’s a problem for future Jack

Having spent most of his energy, he expects to pass out as soon as his head hits the pillow, but sleep doesn’t come so easily

Instead, he simply lays there in the dark, waiting

And, waiting one minute turns into fifteen, then fifteen minutes turn into half an hour, and before he knows it, the hours are slowly but surely trickling by and he just can’t seem to fall asleep

A dull ache of exhaustion settles in his now-sore muscles

He huffs, rolling over, trying not to let the thought of you permeate his mind yet again

But he just can’t help it

How could he live with himself if something happened to you—how could he live knowing he’s the one who killed you?

He can’t keep pretending it didn’t happen; he needs to confront you and figure things out

But first, he really needs a shower

He gets up, grabs a towel and a change of clothes, and makes it to the nearest bathroom

He throws his shirt off over his head, yanks his filthy pants down, then steps into the shower and lets the warm water wash away his sins

He stands there, motionless, for a few minutes as the water running off his body turns from black, to red, then almost pink as the mess of gore is rinsed off

He grabs the soap, runs it over his ashen skin, and tries to think of a way to broach the subject

He’ll have to be open, honest and genuine; no bullshit, no hesitation, no leaving any information out

And if you hate him for it, then that’s that

It’s not like he wouldn’t deserve it, anyways

Even if you come to loathe every fibre of his being, he needs to stay level-headed enough to handle it

He needs to find some kind of solution with you; he’ll do anything to fix his mistake

The more he thinks it through, the more he’s able to rationalize things

He still feels like total and absolute shit for what he’s done, but at least now, he feels somewhat more in control of himself—at the very least

He finishes rinsing off the remaining soap, steps out, wraps a towel around himself, and returns to his room to get dressed

One last look at the demonology books splayed open on his desk is all it takes for him to finally straighten himself up and head out his room to find you

He doesn’t know what time it is, and he’s too lost in thought to remember to check, but he knows you’re not in your room anyways

Like a strange sixth sense, he feels a tug pulling him towards the kitchen, almost as if there was an invisible string guiding him right towards you

And, surely enough, there you are, sitting at the table with a warm mug of coffee between your hands

On instinct, he takes in a deep breath—and that’s when he smells it

He freezes, stopping dead in his tracks

Feeling someone in front of you, you look up from the coffee between your hands, and your eyes lock with his

Every muscle in Jack’s body tenses

There’s no way, there’s no fucking way

He takes another deep breath—just to check, just to see if somehow got the wrong impression

But there’s no denying it, no masking the scent

Hoodie and Masky—their odour is all over you

He almost doesn’t know what to think

Those fuckers

Those fuckers slept with his mate

“Jack—“

You say his name, but he doesn’t even hear it over the blistering rage pumping through his system

Something within him snaps

The demon takes over again

And all he can suddenly think about is one thing

Kill

[mrs-snape5984]

“I was held in chains but now I’m free…”

“Hey, little train! Wait for me! I once was blind but now I see. Have you left a seat for me? Is that such a stretch of the imagination?” (“O Children” by Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds)

I feel obligated to set up a trigger warning on this post, since I’m mentioning thoughts of suicidal ideation in my text. If you’re feeling uncomfortable with this topic, please feel free to ignore the following four paragraphs and skip right to my praise for the incredibly talented artist of this comic strip.

As already mentioned in some of my latest posts, I’ve commissioned some of my favourite artists here on tumblr for a special project of mine: My afterlife project.

I’m suffering from multiple autoimmune disorders, which probably have paved the way for this bitch of a disease, ME/CFS (myalgic encephalomyelitis/chronic fatigue syndrome), two years ago. Sure, my life already wasn’t the easiest before, but since then, it came to a standstill. More and more, I lost my abilities, my social life, my place in the society…and surely even my participation in my own family. My days are mostly spent in bed all day and night, surrounded only by darkness and solitude.

Patients with severe ME/CFS might die earlier than expected, due to multiple organ failure and - yes, I have to admit, that this reason is, indeed, undeniably relatable (and alluring) to me - suicide. With each passing day, that I’m doomed to “live” with these confines of my personal hell… imprisoned within myself without any chance to escape… death appears to be a welcoming friend, who’s only awaiting to pull me into a tight embrace. For me, it’s like it’s written in the following poem (“Joy in Death”) of Emily Dickinson…it will be good news and maybe even a relief…not just for me.

I know, I can’t leave, yet… and that I have to stay as long as endurable - at least for my children’s sake - but… yeah, BUT… but, damn, I’m tired. My personal limits are set… my lines are drawn… my responsibilities are cleared and both of my closest friends are informed about my pathetic little wishes (please, play that goddamn song for me!). I’m prepared. But for now, I have to stay…. to fight a little longer… to be a mom, even though my kids only see me for a few minutes each day… a mere shadow of the mother, they used to know. It’s a fucking shame!

For this particular part of my afterlife project, I’ve commissioned my sweet friend @sleepybradipo, who will always be my first choice to draw my vision of the young Severus in his own uniquely tender art style, which I’m so weak for.

In my imagination, I will be able to choose, how my eternal life will look like. Finally, I’ll be with Severus! We’ll meet at the age of 11 years and eventually spend the rest of our lives side by side...growing old together. Severus and Jukes will finally get the life, they’ve always deserved to have. I’ve started to show sections of this existence by Severus’ side in some of my other posts, which belong to this project. It may sound strange and pathetic (obviously), but this is all, that I'm wishing for. I want to come home to him.

For this artwork, I asked @sleepybradipo to make the process of “renewing” visible…almost like some kind of resurrection! Jules is stripping off her old, exhausted self, only to be 11 years old again…happily running towards the 11 years old Severus, who’s waiting for her.

Ivano, at first, I felt guilty for my request for this commission. I’m constantly afraid of becoming a burden to others with my ridiculously morbid thoughts and ideas. But you, my dear friend, made me feel seen with your kindness and compassion. Your understanding of my fantasy and the way, you’ve realised it in this mesmerising piece of art, are absolutely breathtaking! I don’t know, how I could possibly show enough gratitude to express, what your art is doing to my black little heart. It’s like a bandage…a soothing balm… a comforting embrace. Thank you for everything, Ivano.

🖤Severus & Julia🖤

🖤Sevy & Jules🖤

PS: I have to apologise for my repetive use of terms in my writing this time. The lack of coherence might be caused by my current “crashing” condition and a weird cocktail of different medications. I’ll try better next time, but it was important for me, to show this heart-wrenching composition of art as soon as possible. Your work needs to be seen, Ivano!

[offside-the-lines]

i'm half-doomed & you're semi-sweet | Connor McDavid (x Male!OC)

Summary: After a painful playoff exit to end the 2022-23 season, Connor just needs to get as far away as possible, all the way to Gold Coast, Australia. He expects some peace and quiet, a reprieve. What he doesn't expect is this happy and carefree bartender, Lucky, to make him question the choice he has been making since he was 10. Title inspo: Disloyal Order of Water Buffaloes by Fall Out Boy

This fic is dedicated to @hiding-from-reality-56 for @wyattjohnston's Summer Fic Exchange 2k24. I'm really sorry it's late. Life has been nuts. I really hope you like it! S/O to Demi, Ashley and T for being my cheerleaders, beta readers and editors. Ilysm. Pairing: Connor McDavid x M!OC. This fic features an original male character. Word count: 11.3k Warnings: SMUT: 18 + ONLY. MINORS DNI. SAFE SEX RESOURCE. Angst, lots of (I would say light) angst (first 1/2). Smut, lots of (light to medium) smut (second 1/2). This fic deals with internalized homophobia and coming to terms with your sexuality by way of having your first gay and first sexual encounter (it's hot and sweet, I hope). This was a super meaningful topic for me to write about, and I hope it resonates. Please take care of yourself if this is a topic that is sensitive for you. Connor is also, as I liked to say as I was writing this, Cognitive Distortions and Anxiety and Self-Doubt stacked on top of each other in a trench coat. Our poor boy is going through it in this. The smallest emetophobia warning. Small mention right in the first section (7 paragraphs in). Masterlist | (My requests are currently closed.) | Read this story on AO3

It’s 4 am on May 15th, and Connor’s lying in his own bed. And the only thing he can think about is what should’ve been.

He should be going to Vegas, getting ready to win Game 7.

Or better yet, he should’ve never let it get to that point—needing a Game 7. They should be getting ready for the conference finals.

The humiliation of yet another failed year—a second-round exit, no less—stings deep, and he feels the bile rise in the back of his throat. The taste of ‘This is our year’ sits rotten on his tongue, the number of times he said it to the boys. Momentarily, he wonders if he ever truly believed it. If any of this means anything at all. Or if he really is just a mouse in a cage running on a wheel going nowhere.

The silence in Roger’s Place is all he can hear in the darkness of his own bedroom. It makes him feel like he’s going to crawl out of his skin. The idea of going back to his Toronto house, carrying the looming absence of those 35 pounds, makes him want to throw up.

Or maybe that’s just—

He bolts up in his bed, runs to his toilet, and throws up nothing but bile.

With his head resting against the cold ceramic, he thinks about his parents. He knows they’re not going to be disappointed. They don’t care about the Cu— They don’t care about all that. They care about him, but he doesn’t think he can stomach another off-season of their pitying looks and gentle encouragement.

Another off-season walking around the city of Toronto, feeling like everyone is laughing at him. ‘Look, there goes the Next Great One, the so-called McJesus. What a joke. Look at him, he’s a failure.’ He can hear their thoughts.

They don’t even know about the other thing.

He rinses his mouth and stumbles back to his bed. He picks up his phone and texts his agent about finding somewhere different to train this offseason before he can think better of it. “...in I don’t know. Fucking Australia or something. Just. Somewhere far,” he adds.

He sits on his bed, fiddling with his phone for a while.

He sighs and rests his head against the headboard. He closes his eyes and drifts, picturing what his life might look like if he wasn’t… Well… Him.

He remembers a sports psychologist he was encouraged to see called it ‘maladaptive daydreaming.’ Which—that’s always felt a little ridiculous, given that they also recommend ‘visualization techniques’. ‘Picture yourself scoring the goal, Connor,’ they’d say.

It always felt like the same thing.

He sighs and texts Jeff again. “Totally okay if not. I know it’s super late notice. Just feel like it might be good for me. And for next year.”

The next few days pass like a blur, just room full of people after room full of people. Saying the same meaningless comments over and over. Play the part. Be sad, but not too sad. Be honest, but not too honest.

It doesn’t help that Leon’s grumpy, too. Well, not so grumpy he won’t sit on Connor’s couch—that does occasionally happen—but grumpy enough that he’s been mainly communicating in grunts. But, Connor figures, a grunting Leon is better than no Leon, so they sit in miserable silence as episode after episode of Friends plays on his ridiculously large 85-inch TV.

Which—who even needs an 85-inch TV? Well… Connor does, apparently, according to his decorator anyway. It’s ridiculous, and he hates the excessiveness more with each passing minute. He considers how bad it would be to just rip it off the wall. Probably quite bad. He doesn’t do it. Instead, he pokes Leon in the side with his toe and smiles weakly when he gets an irritated grunt in return and a heavy hand gripping his ankle.

Connor does his duty as Captain and hosts one last team barbecue in his absurd house that makes him feel like a zoo exhibit. He says goodbye to Leon for the summer—every year, it feels stilted and weird; he can never find the right words, but he thinks Leon gets it anyway. Or at least some of it. Not that Connor really knows what “it” is.

Not that Connor really wants to know what “it” is.

Connor swallows down the lump in his throat and turns his phone off, settling in for the flight from LAX to Brisbane, Australia—apparently, Jeff took him literally. He can’t help but think What the fuck am I doing? But that’s the point, right? To not think.

For once in his life, it would be nice to just do something without thinking about it endlessly. To just do something without thinking through the whole play, without reviewing the tape and dissecting everything that could go wrong.

He pops a sleeping pill with the hope that maybe it means he won’t spend the 15-hour flight ruminating on whether or not he should be doing this at all. And then ruminating on whether or not he should be ruminating on whether or not— Yeah. Five hours of rumination he can do—he does it often with the NHL schedule and the Edmonton of it all—but 15 hours seems to be a stretch even for him. So, he pops a sleeping pill.

Besides, he hopes that if he’s asleep, he won’t have to make any more eye contact with the flight attendant whose hand Connor accidentally touched when he helped Connor put away his carry-on. He kept making such earnest conversation with Connor, a smile crinkling the corners of his dazzling green eyes as Connor embarrassingly fumbled over his words, which—

Yeah, he needs to get a grip. And sleep. Hopefully, when he wakes up, he will feel a little less mortified—from experience, unlikely. At least the guy was Australian and didn’t seem to know who he was.

Connor wonders if he would be like this if he worked in something mundane, like finance or sales. If he’s destined to be this way, or if hockey made him this way. At this point, it was impossible to determine where Connor ends and McDavid-97 begins.

Luckily, hockey means he gets the good pills, at least, and he is knocked out for at least 12 hours.

Connor spends the first few weeks in a weird state of suspended animation, just going through the motions of his off-season training. He meets the trainers, who seem to have been briefed by Gary on what he needs and throws himself into the work. No one recognizes him except for a couple of the guys at the rink. But they don’t bother him. It’s a relief. He thinks he understands why Leon fucks off to Mallorca every summer. He wonders why he doesn’t fuck off to Mallorca with him—something else to not examine further.

He takes himself to the beach and watches the surfers and tries to remember to reapply sunscreen every 30 minutes, or whatever, even though it’s “winter”. He fails, of course, and burns bright red after only a few days. He’s forced to return only in the late afternoons.

He finds a pub-thing between his condo and the beach and sits at the bar for dinner every day; nothing better to do. He orders a beer with his dinner at the bartender’s suggestion. He hates it. He drinks it anyway. The bartender—Connor thinks he said his name was Lucky?—probably thinks he’s an absolute freak, judging by the little glances he throws Connor’s way and the amused look he has every time Connor orders.

It doesn’t help that Lucky is kind of stunning. It’s a thought that Connor usually keeps locked up, stuffed in some deep crevice of his mind where he won’t have to examine it, but the longer he watches Lucky—not that he’s watching, he just happens to be at the bar every night, and there’s not much else to do—the more he notices.

Connor watches the messy mop of curls fall in front of his eyes every time he bends over to put ice in a drink and the way he brushes it away with the back of a toned, tattooed forearm. It’s hard to tell exactly how dark his hair is or what the color of his eyes is in the dim interior of the pub, but Connor finds himself itching to know.

But the thing that Connor thinks about as he lays in bed at night is the way Lucky interacts with everyone—playful, easy. He notices the way he flirts—and the guys he flirts with. There’s this weird tightness that settles in his gut, and it twists every time he catches Lucky’s bright smile and the glint in his eyes.

There are an increasing number of days when Connor feels the need to stay until closing. There are a few other regulars he’s gotten to know, and it’s fun to hear about their lives. They will chat with Lucky as he’s cleaning up the bar. 

It has nothing to do with the way Lucky will sometimes take some guy home. Nothing to do with the way it’s just out in the open. Bold, confident, and unashamed. There are never any side-long glances from anyone, no snide comments.

Connor is completely unable to ignore the way his chest feels too small every time it happens. He wonders if he could ever do that. He wonders if he could even look at the thing head-on.

He thinks maybe Gold Coast Connor could.

It takes him until the night before his flight to the NHL awards to decide that Gold Coast Connor can make moves. Gold Coast Connor has the confidence and freedom that Connor McDavid does not. Gold Coast Connor is funny and banters with strangers.

Connor McDavid knows to never have more than two drinks. It affects his performance the next day.

That’s why Gold Coast Connor has 5 or 6. Switches to whiskey after the usual disgusting beer. Lucky chuckles at him.

“I knew you hated that. Was trying to see how long you were gonna keep drinking that for. You should see the face you make every sip.”

Connor's face heats; he knows the ruddy red cheeks look ridiculous against his messy ginger beard.

After the third drink, Lucky shoots him a look. He responds with only a shrug, and he seems to decide to not press the issue.

He knows he’s drunk when he shoots his shot.

“Come home with me today,” he says to Lucky, leaning over the bar conspiratorially.

He laughs, smile wide and easy, eyes wrinkling. “Oh yeah?”

“Yeah.”

Lucky’s smile shifts, and he stares at Connor for a long moment, lips pressed together. The weight of the look sits heavy on him and makes him squirm. He fights the urge to run.

“Yeah, nah,” Lucky decides, “I think it’s time to cut you off. Switch to water.”

Connor suddenly realizes how this must look to him. “I’m serious,” he blurts out, “about the offer, I mean.”

Lucky laughs. “Good to know.” He winks, and Connor feels very warm. “But you’re six drinks deep when you usually only have one beer. Whatever this—” he gestures at Connor “—is, I’m not sure I want to get involved in that.”

His stomach sinks like a rock, and bile licks at the back of his throat. “Oh.” About twenty different thoughts battle in his mind, fighting for dominance.

Lucky looks at him consideringly and sighs. “Connor, it’s not a no. It’s a not today. Trust me, I am very interested. You’re—Look, you’re going on your business trip tomorrow, right?”

Connor nods.

“Okay, talk to me when you get back, yeah?” He leans in—it makes his biceps pop, but Connor tries not to let his eyes catch on it—something akin to amusement dances in his eyes as his lips curl into a smirk. “You can wait that long. You can be good, can’t you?”

A heat settles in Connor’s gut. “Uh, yeah,” he splutters.

Lucky leans back, his smirk bigger now, satisfied. “I thought you’d be into that. Yeah, we’ll have some fun when you get back.”

Connor swallows thickly; something that might be hope simmers under his skin.

The good feeling Lucky leaves him with doesn’t last long. It starts with the mountain of texts, missed calls, and voicemails that come through as soon as he puts his normal SIM card back in.

It only gets worse when he’s faced with Leon’s fury. Leon is pissed off often, but it is rare to see him genuinely angry.

“Where the fuck have you been?” Leon fumes, steel grey eyes not even a foot from his face as he grips Connor’s arm so tightly he thinks it might bruise.

“Um, look—”

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” Leon continues right over Connor’s soft voice. “I had to call your agent just to make sure you were still alive. Hey—at least Cameron got a text, right? Nice of you to not ghost your family, I guess. Guess I didn’t make the cut, eh?”

“Leo, I’m s—”

“You know,” Leon grits, “I was going to fly back to Canada ‘cause I thought something had happened to you. But, no. Glad you’re living it up in Australia. Glad you’re having so much fun.” He drops Connor’s arm and steps back, chest heaving as he breathes heavily. “Well, if you don’t want anything to do with me, then you can have nothing to do with me.”

“Leo, please—” Connor’s voice breaks as his throat burns and his chest tightens like a vice grip.

“Fuck you, Connor. Seriously, you’re a fucking selfish asshole,” he says as he walks away, the door of Connor’s hotel room slamming behind him.

It takes too long for Connor to remember how to breathe after that, sitting on the floor of his hotel room, staring at his shaking hands.

The day somehow gets worse from there when he has to ask Mikael Backlund, of all people, why Matthew has a sling on.

Backlund gives him a strange look. “Wh—Chucky?”

“Yeah,” Connor swallows.

After a beat of silence, he says, “He broke his sternum. Game 3 of the finals against Vegas. Played in Game 4 anyway. Didn’t matter in the end.” Backlund winces. “They lost in 5.”

“Oh,” Connor winces in return.

Backlund stares at him for a while. “Heard it was pretty bad.”

“Shit.”

The festivities continue around them. He gives a cordial nod to Nico Hischier and Jack Hughes as they walk past.

“I thought you two were friends; that’s what Chucky used to say anyway,” Backlund finally says.

“We are,” Connor swallows around the guilt sitting in his throat. “I just, uh, needed a break, so I was—Never mind. It looks like duty calls, so I’ll be—” Connor forces himself to stand up and gestures towards the event people waving at him. “Have a good night. See you next season.”

Backlund nods with an expression Connor can’t quite place—he thinks it might be pity.

Connor sleeps so poorly over the next few days, and it’s a wonder he’s coherent when he meets the Bedard kid. He feels horribly ill-equipped to give the kid any advice and fumbles through some generic pointers. Leon was much better, as he usually is at these things.

At least the time together allowed him to earn back some of Leon’s good graces. They part with a promise of photos and texts and a hug that makes Connor feel unmoored. He wonders if Leon can tell he’s barely holding it together and just doesn’t care enough to ask anymore. He hopes not. He really needs it to not be that.

I guess we can add ‘friendship’ to the list of things Connor McDavid can’t do, he thinks. When he closes his eyes, he can only picture Leon’s furious expression, or Backlund’s confused disappointment, or Matthew’s annoyingly amused smirk when Connor finally had the chance to catch up with him and explain his absence. 

Leon’s anger is still the one that stings the most. It’s the one that plays on a loop in his head. It pops into his head at unexpected moments. It’s kept company with all the other failures and misses that haunt him.

He doesn’t sleep a wink on the flight back to Australia. 

It takes Connor a few days to work up the courage to go to the pub again, now more sure than ever that he made a fool of himself the last time. But, eventually, he forces himself to just do it—it has nothing to do with his inability to cook.

Lucky greets him, same as always, with an easy smile and a glint in his eye. It’s so normal that it makes him think Lucky forgot about their last conversation. But, something about the way he reaches across the bar and taps Connor on the wrist as he laughs at some dumb comment Connor made. Or maybe it’s the wink he sends Connor when he catches Connor staring at the way his shirt rides up when he reaches for the top-shelf liquor…

Either way, Connor knows deep down that Lucky definitely remembers their conversation. Which means Lucky knows something about Connor that no one else does. 

It’s a thought that should make his chest tighten and stomach churn—the idea of it alone would usually send him down a paralyzing spiral—but instead, it makes him feel feverish, a small crackle of expectation settling just below his navel. There’s just something about Lucky that eases something in his chest—Well, there just is something about him.

Neither of them do anything about it, though. Connor can’t decide if he’s disappointed or relieved.

A few days later, it’s almost closing and it’s quiet in the pub. There’s tennis on the TV: Wimbledon, Connor thinks, possibly a replay. He isn’t really paying attention. If he’s honest, he’s never really got tennis. Leon likes it, though, so he watches when it’s on.

“So,” Lucky says, interrupting Connor’s trance. He’s leaning against the bar back, polishing a glass—it makes the muscles in his forearm ripple. Connor pointedly doesn’t stare.

“So?” Connor says weakly. He knows. And he knows that Lucky knows he knows. He still doesn’t acknowledge it. He quickly looks around to check if anyone is close by.

“Did you still wanna come home with me?” Lucky says.

He just drops it into the space between them like it’s nothing. He just says it like it doesn’t turn Connor’s world upside down and his guts inside out.

Deep down, Connor knows that he could say no and Lucky would never mention it again. No hard feelings. Easy. They could both pretend like it never happened. Which is what Connor should want—it is what Connor wants. Which is why Connor is going to say no.

“Yeah.” It comes out close to a whisper, but it doesn’t need to be audible because Lucky smiles. Connor feels his cheeks heat, and it’s like every inch of skin suddenly fires up like live wire. 

Lucky turns around and places the glass on the shelf, and Connor blows out the breath he didn’t realize he was holding in a puff. 

“Good,” Lucky says when he turns back around, “‘cause I already asked Kazza to close out for me tonight. I just need to grab something from the office, and then I’m good to go.”

Connor swallows. “Yeah, sounds good.”

Lucky runs his bottom lip through his teeth consideringly before he flashes Connor a heated grin and walks away. 

Connor waits for the pang of regret or guilt to hit; something to tell him to put a stop to this. It doesn’t come. All he feels is the prickling simmer of anticipation.

“Connor?” Lucky says, poking his head around the corner.

“Huh?”

“I meant for you to follow me,” he chuckles.

“Oh!” Connor scrambles to get out of the bar stool—it’s an entirely ungraceful affair—and follows Lucky and waits in the hall.

When he emerges from the office, he hands an envelope to Connor. “Can you hold this for a sec? Just need to put my jacket on.”

“Yeah, sure.” Connor looks down at the envelope, which has Lachlan written in Sharpie on the front. “Who’s this for?”

Lucky freezes and cocks his head. “What?”

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to—It’s just on the—Nevermind. Don’t worry about it,” Connor mumbles.

“No, no. Wait.” He shakes his head and huffs. “It’s me? Lachlan, that’s my name?” He pronounces it like Lock-lan, which confuses Connor more.

“What do you mean?” 

“Lachy… It’s short for Lachlan?”

“It is?” Connor furrows his eyebrows.

“Yeah, mate! What have you been calling me?”

“I thought your name was Lucky!”

Lucky—or Lachy?—bursts out laughing, snorting a little as he clutches his sides. “I thought you were just saying it weird,” he manages to get out between laughs.

Connor rubs the back of his neck awkwardly. “I mean, it was loud in there when you introduced yourself, so…” he lets himself trail off. He shifts on his feet, looking at the carpet.

Lachy shakes his head, still chuckling as he grabs Connor’s hand at the wrist. “Come on, this way.”

“It’s a bit weird now ‘cause I’ve been calling you Lucky all this time, and you’re Lucky in my head. I guess I have to change that now,” Connor murmurs, largely to himself.

Lachy hums. He tugs on Connor’s wrist and pulls him forward, swallowing the space between them as he backs them into a door. In a snap second, it’s like all the air has left the room, the world around them focusing in on the one point of contact at Connor’s wrist. Lachy’s hand is warm as it applies some pressure.

There is a beat of silence where Connor doesn’t know what to do but look. The lighting is a little better back here, and it catches on the strands of Lachy’s hair that have been lightened by the sun. In this lighting, Connor thinks Lachy’s eyes might be hazel or maybe a warm amber. He feels an inexplicable need to find out. 

The thing that catches Connor off-guard is the way he has to look down at Lachlan. Connor knew that he’s shorter—has seen him with his coworkers to compare—but it didn’t prepare him for the way it feels. The way that Lachy’s everything makes him feel pinned in place even as he towers over him—the six inches or so of height difference feels meaningless under his heated gaze.

Lachy reaches back with his free hand and grabs the door handle.

“You can keep calling me Lucky if you want, seeing as you’ll be getting Lucky tonight, right?” The corner of Lachy's lip ticks up in a smirk as he bites back a laugh. He leans in. “You can call me whatever you like once I’m inside you.”

Connor chokes. “Um, okay?” he squeaks, spluttering.

Lachy—Lucky?—leans his head back against the door and laughs. There is no explanation for the way the sound seeps into Connor, reaching every single crevice. It should be embarrassing to be this affected by someone’s laugh. Connor doesn’t have time to explore that thought further as Lucky pushes the door open and pulls Connor with him into the cool evening air.

The walk to Lucky’s place is not very long. But it is enough time for Connor to feel the ever-present doubt creeping in, even as Lucky tells him a funny story about a collision he saw while he was surfing that morning. He’s standing so close. Close enough that he can feel the heat of Lucky’s arm against his own. Closer than is normal for two guys casually strolling down the street, which—

Connor knows they’re not just two guys walking down the street. Not at all. He can still feel the anticipation simmering under his skin even as the cold air cuts through his thin sweater.

He tries to focus on the fact that the streets are empty, except for the occasional car, and no one knows him here. Here, he’s just Connor. So he tries not to let the looming shadow of his Name dig its claws in.

The thing is… he has a guy—a really hot guy who definitely knows what he’s doing—who is willing to take Connor home. A guy who seems to be into his disheveled and awkward self for some reason. A guy who inexplicably makes Connor feel safe, thousands of miles away from home and away from everything and everyone he knows.

Connor should take this gift with both hands and say thank you like the good Canadian boy that he is.

He thinks about the visualization exercises and pictures himself taking off the Edmonton Oilers jersey with McDavid 97 on the back and the C on the front. He pictures himself handing it over to Australian customs along with the apple he had forgotten was in his bag.

Connor barely has time to even look at Lucky’s apartment before he’s crowded against the door. Connor sucks in a steadying breath.

Lucky looks up at him, his warm breath tickling Connor’s neck. “I’m sorry if I smell like beer; I know you don’t like beer.”

Connor makes an affronted noise. “I do so like beer. I just don’t like—”

Lucky huffs and cuts him off by slamming his lips on Connor’s. Connor lets out a little squeak of surprise before his body takes over. His eyes flutter shut as he takes in the warmth of Lucky’s soft lips.

It feels so foreign when Lucky slides his tongue over Connor’s bottom lip; the wet heat surprises him and makes him open his mouth instinctively. He’s rewarded as Lucky pulls his bottom lip into his mouth and nibbles on it slightly. Connor finds out he enjoys that as he bites back a groan.

Lucky’s hands move from the door behind Connor to rest on his hips, fingers applying gentle but firm pressure. His hands feel so warm Connor wonders if they would leave handprints for the world to see, like a brand.

Lucky makes a noise against his mouth that Connor can’t interpret. He hums a questioning sound and finds that it tickles a little. He finds out he likes that, too.

Lucky’s hands pull away, much to his dismay, only to grab Connor’s own hands and place them on his sides—Connor runs his hands down the firmness of his obliques and gives them an appreciative squeeze, earning him an approving sound as Lucky rests his hands on Connor’s chest.

Connor doesn’t know how long they just stay like that, kissing languidly as he slowly becomes more exploratory with his touches, sliding his hands over Lucky’s defined back. And Lucky returns the favor, running his hands over Connor’s chest—through the sweater material, it just feels like broad warm pressure—before reaching up to the nape of Connor’s neck and moving him the way he wants to deepen the kiss.

The wet, hot slide of their mouths feels so nice that Connor thinks maybe they could just stay doing this forever. But Lucky has other plans; he slides his hands under Connor’s sweater and hums appreciatively at what he finds. His hands travel up Connor’s chest; when he slides his hands directly over Connor’s nipples, Connor has to choke down a whine.

Connor’s hands move of their own accord, sliding down Lucky’s back and over his generous ass. His pressure is light, but it doesn’t stop Lucky from rocking forward and onto his tiptoes, stealing all the air from between their bodies. In doing so, he presses his hard dick right into Connor’s, the slide sending an electric shock through his body. They both moan at the same time.

Connor suddenly becomes acutely aware of how hard he is and the slight wet patch at the front of his boxers. Connor sucks in a breath through his nose. If he had known this was happening today, he would’ve jerked off before going to the pub. Hell—if he had even a second, he would’ve jerked off in the pub’s bathroom. Anything to take the edge off.

As it stands, Connor feels unable to get a hold of his restraint, like he’s reaching out to grab something just out of reach. It makes him feel underwater and suddenly too aware of all the sensations at once: the filthy slide of their mouths, Lucky’s thumbs rubbing over his nipples, the friction as Lucky grinds their clothed cocks together. It’s all too much as Connor feels his restraint fraying.

“Lucky,” Connor mumbles against his lips.

“Mmm,” he hums, leaning back a little.

This time, when Lucky slides his hands down Connor’s chest, he claws his hands, and his dull nails scrape over Connor’s nipples, drawing an unrestrained moan as he arches into Lucky.

“Fuck, you’re so sensitive,” Lucky mumbles as his hands continue to travel south, as he recaptures Connor’s lips in a messy kiss.

His mind feels fragmented. Split between needing this to stop so he doesn’t come way too soon, ruining the whole thing, and needing to come so bad he thinks he might die. But he can’t figure out how to put that into words, so he just floats in the liminal space between the two.

He feels Lucky slide hook his fingers over the waistband of his jeans and boxers, and it takes him a second too long to figure out what’s happening as Lucky’s hand dips inside. It’s just the brush of a hand over his bare dick, but it’s more than he’s gotten in almost ten years, and Connor panics.

“Wait—no—” he blurts out, muffled by Lucky’s mouth. 

Connor grabs Lucky’s hand and yanks it out of his pants, but it’s too late. He squeezes his eyes shut as he fights the shudder that travels through his whole body as he comes, largely untouched, in his too-expensive jeans.

He tucks his chin to his chest, face flaring so hot he must be bright red. He takes a few breaths to steady himself before he opens his eyes and dares to look up at Lucky.

He immediately winces at what he sees. Connor feels like he actually might die and prays for the ground to swallow him whole.

Lucky’s jaw clicks, his expression one that Connor has never seen on his handsome face before. One of hurt and confusion. Connor swallows.

“Is this a gay panic thing? Because I hate to break it to you, we’d been rubbing cocks for like twenty minutes,” he says, voice low and even.

“What? No! No, it’s not—” Connor stutters, “That’s not—No.”

“Right.” Lucky raises his eyebrows; he clearly doesn’t believe him. 

Connor realizes he is still clutching Lucky’s wrist so tightly it must hurt; he lets it go completely. Lucky takes a few steps back, and Connor misses the heat of his body immediately. He feels the edges of panic closing in, so he just speaks.

“No, I promise. That’s not what’s happening. I’ve known since I was like ten that maybe—” His eyes dart around the room, and his eyes fixate on all the little trinkets around Lucky’s house—it’s kind of adorable. He takes a deep breath. Fuck it. “No. I’ve known since I was 10. I’ve just never… told anyone before. Or done anything. That was… That was great. I really liked it. You’ve done nothing wrong. I’m so—” He runs his hands down his face. “Trust me, that is not what’s wrong. God, I want to die right now.”

His eyes affix to the surfboard mounted above the couch, a point just over Lucky’s left shoulder. It’s suffocatingly silent for a moment as Lucky looks him over. 

“Wait,” Lucky says, his voice low and tight, “Did you just… come?”

Connor drops his head in his hands and straight-up whines.

“Oh my god,” Lucky whispers. “Holy shit.”

Connor wonders if it’s possible to just travel through the door like a ghost. Or maybe blink out of existence.

There’s a shuffling sound before gentle hands on his wrists pull them away from his face. “Woah, hey, Connor. No worries, yeah? It’s okay. Don’t be embarrassed.”

“Easy for you to say,” he mumbles. Connor thinks about all the guys Lucky’s fucked before and wonders if any of them had ever come in their pants after being lightly grazed by a hand. Of course, he would be a failure at this, too.

“Baby,” Lucky’s voice is so gentle, “I’m serious, okay? You have nothing to be embarrassed about. That’s… Seriously, oh my fucking God, Connor, that is fucking hot.”

“It is?”

“Yeah, baby, it is.” He gently clasps Connor’s chin so he has to look at him and smiles softly. “Come on, maybe let’s take a break.”

“Oh.” Connor’s chest feels too tight. “Do you wanna stop? I’m sorry. I can go if you want. I’m sorry for ruining it for you.” He knows his voice sounds odd, but he’s too panicked to care.

“Stop? Who said anything about stopping?” Lucky chuckles. “Unless you want to stop, I am very much still very interested.” He directs Connor’s hand to the front of his jeans, where the hard outline of his cock twitches in Connor’s palm. “Trust me. Very. Interested. But I can wait for a second. Come on, lemme get us a drink.”

Lucky walks over to a bar cart and pours two whiskeys. Connor wonders if he should leave anyway, if he’s just being nice. Sure, he’s still hard, but does he really want Connor, the guy who came from a light breeze in his entryway? Connor thinks about all the guys he’s seen Lucky take home before, and he just knows he’s going to be the worst—or at least, the most disappointing. Maybe it would be less embarrassing for everyone if he left now.

Lucky walks over and leans against the kitchen counter opposite him and hands him the drink with a soft smile. 

Connor determines that he should probably stay, given he’s come once already, and Lucky hasn’t come at all. And that’s probably unfair.

“So,” Lucky says, “Earlier, you said that you’ve never told anyone you’re gay?” Connor shakes his head. “And you’ve never… done anything?”

Connor sighs. In for a penny, in for a pound, or whatever. ��Yeah. That’s right.”

“Really? Never?” Lucky says, slightly incredulous.

“Well, there was like once or twice in juniors—high school, I mean, uh. Bro-jobs, or whatever, on, uh, school trips.” He shakes his head. “It just felt wrong ‘cause they weren’t gay, but I was. And it felt a little like I was taking advantage of it. So I stopped.”

Lucky snorts. “Well, sucking cock is pretty gay if you ask me.”

It pulls an unsuspecting laugh out of Connor. “I guess. I don’t know. That’s not what I meant—I guess—it was just different for me.” Connor shrugs and bites his lip. “Anyway, it doesn’t matter. I never did anything again after that.”

“Like… nothing?” Lucky asks, not unkindly.

“Yeah. Nothing.” Connor sighs. “I think you’re the first person I’ve kissed in like almost ten years. God, that’s so embarrassing to say out loud. You probably think I’m so fucking weird.”

Lucky reaches over and squeezes his arm. “Hey, I don’t think that’s embarrassing. Or weird. Different strokes, or whatever. It is what it is.”

Connor didn’t set out to have this conversation. Realistically, he never thought he would ever even have this conversation—not at least for another ten years. But something about the earnest way Lucky’s looking at him makes him want to say it. Like it’s suddenly something that’s clawing at his throat to get out.

“I just…” Connor pauses and worries at his lip again. “It’s different for me. I…” He takes a really deep breath and blows it out. “I work in the sports industry, and, unfortunately, being gay is still a pretty big deal in my line of work.”

“Shit,” Lucky nods. “That sucks.”

“I guess a little part of me always thought that if I didn’t say it out loud to anyone or do anything about it, then it was just something about me that was just for me to know. Something that other people don’t get to know about me. I guess in the process, I stopped really acknowledging it, even to myself. It’s weird. I’m not ashamed of it, but I also don’t want people to know. Which must mean I am ashamed of it, I guess. I don’t know.” Connor clears his throat to push through the tightness there. “I’ve never known another option. Like, I knew this was what I had to do from when I figured it out at 10. It’s like… if this is your reality, you might as well accept it and move on, you know?”

“That doesn’t mean it’s not painful, though. It still sucks. I’m sorry.” 

Connor shrugs as Lucky lets it hang in the air for a bit.

“Am I the first person you’ve told?” Lucky asks.

“Yeah.”

“Wow… that’s…” Lucky smiles. “Congratulations, Connor. That’s a big deal. Thank you for trusting me with that.”

Connor blows out a breath, and it comes out long and shaky. Despite that, his chest feels looser, like one of the invisible chains that wrap around his body loosened. “Yeah.”

They sit in comfortable silence for a bit as they sip their whiskeys, deep in thought. Connor takes the chance to look over Lucky in the bright kitchen lights. Connor finally determines that he has hazel eyes. They’re largely amber with flecks of green, and it makes him feel warm. It reminds him of the start of autumn and the beginning of the hockey season and the hope that comes with it.

The muscles in Lucky’s forearm ripples as he taps his fingers on the countertop to an unknown beat. It makes Connor think of the little hints of his body under the fitted black shirt and black pants. He knows from the way his shirt stretches when he reaches for a high shelf that Lucky has a broad, defined back. He’s seen enough of his arms and hands to fuel his fantasies for weeks. And what he’s seen of his ass and thighs makes him want to dig his fingers in, just to see what happens. Lucky just looks so handsome, beautiful, hot that it makes his head spin a little.

A flash of heat rolls over Connor as he remembers the feeling of the solid planes of Lucky’s body against his. Connor’s a professional athlete. He’s seen so many naked male bodies in peak physical form so many times and felt nothing that he sometimes questions whether he is actually into men. Of course, there’s always someone who would knock him away from that thought like an 18-wheeler truck. Either way, he doesn’t look in the locker room. Rarely even wants to.

This time, though, it’s Lucky. And he’s not a teammate. And he’s gay. And, for some inexplicable reason, he wants to fuck Connor—a thought that sends another wave of molten heat through his veins.

He shuffles on his feet and feels the uncomfortable wet patch in his pants and flushes. Something catches Lucky’s eye because he raises an eyebrow slightly and cocks his head. It’s a minuscule moment, but Connor catches it, and the way the air seems to shift.

Connor thinks about how he’s already here, everything out on the table. Connor thinks about how he might never get this opportunity again—at least not for another ten years—needs to make the most of it. Connor thinks about the weight of Lucky’s hard cock in his hand. Connor—

“So,” Connor finds himself saying, “Are we gonna fuck tonight or…?”

Lucky throws his head back and laughs. It exposes the long line of his neck, and—Connor doesn’t know if it’s the whiskey or some other form of intoxication, but he has a sudden overwhelming urge to bite it, lick it, kiss it.

So he does.

He closes the space between them in one big step and leans down to run his teeth along Lucky’s neck. He moans in response, a deep rumbling sound that tickles his lips. Connor licks it and savors the flavor of salty sweat and the aroma of heady musk. 

“Yeah, baby,” Lucky groans, his fingers finding purchase on Connor's hips and gripping firmly, “I’m going to make this so good for you.” He tilts his head and captures Connor’s lips in a heated kiss. 

This kiss is different to the one at the door. It’s more urgent, incessant, purposeful. It’s messy as their teeth clash and tongues slide against each other. Lucky bites down on Connor’s lip harder than before, and he moans. Connor sucks on Lucky’s tongue, earning a moan of his own, before letting go with a pop.

“What do you want, Connor?” Lucky murmurs against his lips.

“I want you to fuck me,” Connor blurts out, the words spilling out.

Lucky freezes for a split second, almost imperceptible, before shaking his head lightly. Connor feels the stab deep in his gut; the sting of rejection hits him by surprise, and it hurts—more than he thought it would. He tries to pull away.

Lucky shakes his head. “No, I just mean, I’m not gonna fuck you tonight.”

Connor furrows his brows, feeling confused, still trying to step away.

“Connor. Not on your first night. You’re not ready.” Lucky squeezes Connor’s hip. “Next time though…”

Connor freezes. “Next time? There’s a next time?” he hears himself say, voice small and quiet.

“Yeah, baby. If you’re game, there will be as many next times as you want before you leave. You’re here for a few more months, yeah?”

“Yeah,” he says, breathless.

Connor doesn’t know who closes the gap between them, their lips meeting in a heated kiss once again. Lucky guides him backward until he bumps up against the counter of the kitchen island again. He hears the empty whiskey glass clink as his body knocks it back a few inches.

“So, what are we gonna do then?” Connor asks nervously as Lucky kisses down his jaw and neck.

“Oh, there are plenty of ways I can make you feel good, baby, don’t you worry,” Lucky says against the neck, the puffs of air tickling him. 

“Oh,” Connor breathes.

He leans back. “Luckily,” he winks, beaming, “you’re in very good hands.”

It takes Connor a second to process the joke before a surprised giggle escapes his lips.

Lucky pushes his sweater up, exposing his stomach and chest. Lucky flicks a tongue over one nipple and a thumb over the other. Connor groans, his hands tightening on Lucky’s shirt.

“So sensitive,” Lucky laughs into his skin as he kisses his way down Connor’s front. “So pink. God, you’re so flushed, too. It goes all the way down to… I need to know if…”

Connor doesn’t have time to even process the way Lucky looks on his knees between his legs because Lucky is popping the buttons on his jeans and pulling his jeans and boxers down in one motion.

His dick bobs free, already achingly hard again. The swollen head glistens, wet with a mix of his come from before and the new beads of pre-come collecting at the tip. The air feels uncomfortably cold against him, and it makes him squirm. 

He’s not uncomfortable for long, though, because Lucky wraps one hand around the base of his dick and squeezes firmly before running a hot tongue up the shaft. Connor’s breath catches in his chest. 

He’s given no time to process the sensation before Lucky sucks the head into his mouth, bobbing once before sucking him all the way down with a salacious wink. Connor groans and is, for the first time this evening, happy that he’s come already because it is the only reason he doesn’t blow it from that alone.

Lucky moves, bobbing up and down, his hands resting on Connor’s hipbones, holding him still. It is impossibly hot and impossibly wet and impossibly tight. Connor doesn’t even know what sensation to focus on; the only thing he can think is fuck, that feels so good.

“Fuck, that feels so good,” he moans, squeezing his eyes shut as he tries to get a handle on his ragged breathing.

He has nothing really to compare this to, but he doesn’t need to compare anything because he feels as though he is on fire, sweat prickling all over him as he focuses on not coming. He focuses on the tension and heat that settles in his gut. 

It’s so different than when he touches himself; it’s just so much more. More everything, everywhere. The sounds, the smells—he hasn’t even opened his eyes yet. He thinks that maybe he can’t open his eyes and see what this looks like from a real POV perspective because seeing it would ruin his life.

Connor likes to think that as a professional athlete, he has conditioned himself to have great control over his body. A theory that is being very much tested as moans and curses fall from his mouth without his input at all.

“God, fuck,” he rasps, his hoarse voice sounds insanely erotic. “Lucky…” Lucky swirls his tongue over the head as he moves himself up and down Connor’s dick. “Lachy… Fuck. Lachlan,” he moans.

Lucky hums—Connor feels it all the way up his spine—and pulls off with a pop. “Say it again.” His hand moves to lazily slide up and down his shaft.

“What?”

“My name. Say it again.” His voice sounds even more fucked than Connor’s; it makes his head spin.

“Lachlan,” he says softly.

Lucky smiles and makes a low noise of approval before sucking Connor back down, all while keeping his eyes pinned on Connor, who can’t look away.

“Oh fuck, Lachlan,” he says, and he’s rewarded with another groan. “You look so good. You feel so good. This is… ahh…”

His hands are gripping the kitchen counter so hard it hurts. The view of Lucky’s shiny red lips stretched over him is too much, his hold on his self-control close to faltering. 

He closes his eyes and lets his head hang back; he’s unable to bite down the keening sound that escapes when Lucky flicks his tongue along the frenulum. The symphony of sound in the room sounds so filthy Connor thinks he would be flushing even pinker if he could. But he knows he’s already flushed red from his face to his dick that’s disappearing into Lucky’s incredible mouth.

Connor thinks about Leo and what he would say if he saw this. He wonders if he would be disgusted. If he’d never talk to him off the ice again. If he’d request a trade. If he would lose his best friend. He thinks about what the people would say if they saw him like this—Cam, his parents, his teammates, his agent—

Lucky’s hand slides down Connor’s shaft to the root and traces the line between his balls that are wound up high and tight against his body. His dick throbs inside Lucky’s mouth, and he feels more than hears Lucky’s moan of appreciation.

He decides he shouldn't be thinking of anything at all. However, the decision is more or less taken out of his hands when Lucky presses a finger behind his balls with such incredible precision his knees almost buckle.

The movement causes him open his eyes, and he watches as he accidentally fucks into Lucky’s mouth. Lucky’s dark lashes are wet, and his hazel eyes glisten as they look up at Connor as he fights against a choke, eyes fluttering shut in concentration. Connor thinks he’s never going to forget this moment, the way this looks. Even if this is only a one-time thing, it’s worth it.

Lucky reached up to grab Connor’s hand and place it in his hair. Connor cards his fingers through the soft curls. Lucky rolls his eyes humorously before pulling off.

“Fuck my face, Connor,” he rasps.

“Oh… Oh, fuck,” Connor whispers, hands shaking slightly as they move to grip his hair.

Lucky waits, mouth open, as he reaches one hand between his own pants. Connor watches as Lucky wraps a hand around his own cock, and feels compelled to say something.

“No,” he says.

“No?” Lucky furrows his brow.

“No, don’t—I want to get you. After—”

“Oh,” Lucky breathes, “Fuck, yeah. Okay.”

Connor watches as Lucky gives himself a firm squeeze before pulling his hand out and placing it on his broad thigh. He looks up at Connor and smiles before opening his mouth again, tongue hanging out over his bottom teeth. Connor groans as his dick kicks, another bead of precome collecting at the tip. Lucky leans forward and licks it off lightly.

Connor swears before grabbing his dick in one hand and Lucky’s hair in the other before feeding his dick into Lucky’s awaiting mouth. The heat, and wetness, and tightness puts him on edge immediately as his hand clenches, pulling Lucky’s hair tighter. His moan vibrates against Connor’s dick, and he feels it resonate inside every bone in his body. The urge to come is suddenly close to overwhelming. 

He keeps his eyes open this time as he rocks into Lucky’s mouth experimentally, watching for any sign of discomfort. As if reading his mind, Lucky rolls his eyes and makes a brief movement with his hands. It surprises a chuckle out of Connor as he relents.

He brushes over Lucky’s lips reverently with the hand that was gripping the base of his dick before he moves it to cup the back of Lucky’s head as he starts to fuck deeper into his throat. With each thrust, he feels the control he barely had fray and unravel.

His pace quickens, hitting the back of Lucky’s throat on every thrust. Lucky places his hand back on Connor’s hip to steady himself as Connor fucks his face. The tension in his groin feels impossibly taut.

“Lachlan, fuck, you’re incredible,” he murmurs. “Fuck, I’m gonna come.” 

Lucky hums and grips his hip tighter so Connor doesn’t even think about pulling out. Their eyes lock, Connor unable to look away as Lucky cups his aching balls in his hand, reaching behind to the spot, and presses his fingers deep, plunging Connor over the edge.

Connor moans his name as he spills down Lucky’s throat, the world going hazy as his balls tighten and throb. He thinks the only thing that keeps him upright is all the years of balancing on knives on ice.

He gently eases Lucky off his dick, realizing suddenly just how tightly he was clutching his hair. 

“Sorry, was that,” Connor says, his voice hoarse and soft, “Was that okay? Did I hurt you?”

Lucky laughs, shaking his head before tipping forward and burying his face into the crook of Connor’s thigh.

“Yeah, baby, you did so good. A total pro at getting your cock sucked.”

“Oh, fuck you,” Connor rolls his eyes, unable to contain his laughter too.

“Now, there’s an idea,” Lucky says.

“Yeah?” Connor says, voice suddenly small as a wave of heat rushes over him. His spent dick throbs valiantly in interest.

“Oh, yeah,” Lucky hums against his thigh, “Not today though.”

Connor reaches down and pulls Lucky up to stand, supporting his weight a little as he comes off his knees. He leans down and kisses him gently.

“Thank you,” he murmurs against his lips. He can taste the faint flavor of himself on his lips.

“Nah. Yeah, no worries, baby,” Lucky chuckles, “Any time.”

Connor’s body shudders at that thought, and he chooses to push it aside as he feels Lucky’s hard cock against his thigh.

“I want to take care of you. Can I?” he asks quietly.

Lucky hums and pushes a hand under Connor’s sweater, muttering, “Why are we still fucking wearing clothes? And to answer your question, fuck yeah. Come on.”

They fumble, Lucky guiding Connor, who’s walking backward, to the bedroom, their mouths clashing while they finally remove their clothes.

Connor feels his knees knock against the bed as Lucky gives him a slight push, sending him sprawling. His dick unceremoniously flops on his stomach, and Connor feels momentarily embarrassed before he looks up at Lucky.

His breath catches at the sight. Lucky is standing there, naked at the end of the bed, his heated gaze raking down Connor’s body as he strokes himself. Connor is transfixed by the movement. From where he is, Lucky’s dick looks thick, thicker than Connor’s own anyway, maybe a bit shorter. It tapers down to the tip, where the head, red-purple and mouth-wateringly wet, peeks out from the foreskin.

Connor always thought he would be nervous at this moment, unsure. But looking at Lucky, he feels calm, like the moment before his skate hits the fresh ice in pre-game. Every single cell in his body feels dialed into this moment, reaching out to feel Lucky’s skin against his.

His eyes follow the dark trail of hair, from the groomed patch at the base of his cock up to the mat of hair between his nipples. His eyes track the movement of Lucky’s toned arm as he works himself slowly, languidly. He bites his lip as his eyes trail down Lucky’s thick thighs, a carpet of dark hair over them. For some reason, Connor just wants to sink his teeth into the meat of his thigh.

When he finally meets Lucky’s eye, he feels like his soul is going to leave his body. The look is almost predatory, the way his gaze feels heavy, pinning him in place. His eyes are so dark now, his pupils swallowing the beautiful hazel, as his curly hair falls messily over his face.

“You like what you see,” Lucky says gruffly.

“Yeah,” Connor replies, breathless once again.

“Good.” He kneels on the bed, and Connor slides back further onto the bed. “Me too.”

Lucky knee-walks his way up the bed, his thick thighs bracketing Connor’s legs, skin blazingly hot. Connor can’t help but scramble back until his head hits the pillow.

Connor swallows hard when Lucky finally towers over him. The hand not stroking his cock is pressed against the pillow right next to Connor’s head. The view is intoxicating. Connor’s hands twitch at his sides.

“Can I touch you?” he whispers.

Lucky moans and nods, biting his lip.

Connor reaches up and runs his hands over Lucky’s cheek. Lucky’s eyes flutter closed as he leans into it. Connor’s thumbs brush over his thick eyelashes, and then he pulls his bottom lip out from between his teeth. Lucky’s mouth remains slightly parted as Connor slides his hands down his neck, through the thick hair at his chest, down the hard planes of his stomach, and onto his thighs. 

Connor digs his fingers in, earning him a small hiss, and pulls Lucky’s thighs forward so he can sit comfortably on Connor’s stomach. He slides his hands up the back of his thighs, savoring the contrasting rough and soft of his thick leg hair. He takes a moment to knead Lucky’s ample glutes before taking one hand to trace the thick groomed hair at his pelvis.

Lucky’s hard cock sits heavy on Connor’s stomach, the pre-come smearing a little against Connor’s flushed red skin. Lucky wiggles at the light touch, cock kicking, as Connor runs his fingers down the soft velvety skin of the shaft, tracing the snaking veins. He is so transfixed by it, how soft it is, how much it responds to his touch, how hot all of this is—

“Please,” he hears Lucky whisper, a hint of a whine.

Connor blinks and looks up at Lucky, who looks like he’s in a tremendous amount of pain—although Connor knows that’s not what it is. His jaw is clenched, and he’s breathing hard and raggedly.

“Sorry, I just—Sorry,” Connor says softly.

He takes a deep breath before wrapping his hand around the shaft of Lucky’s cock, earning him a deep moan. He pumps his hand experimentally, noting the difference in how it feels in his hand compared to his own dick, before applying more pressure. When Connor slides his hand up and down again, he runs his thumb lightly against the underside of the tip.

“Connor,” Lucky moans above him, his head dropping a little. His curly hair brushes against Connor’s cheek.

He hums, drawing up the play in his head as he continues to repeat the motion. Lucky’s leaking so much that it doesn’t take long before his hand is wet enough to touch the sensitive head without it being uncomfortable—he hopes at least. He alternates his strokes between one that goes from the root to the tip and one that squeezes the head with a slight twist—the way he knows feels good.

“Fuuuuck,” Lucky breathes. His arm is starting to shake a little from where it is next to Connor’s head. Connor turns his head slightly and presses a light kiss to Lucky’s wrist. “Baby, that’s so fucking good.”

Connor smiles and feels his chest puff a little, proud like when a new drill finally clicks. He looks up at Lucky’s face, now flushed with pleasure. He watches as he applies more pressure, watching the way Lucky’s eyes roll behind the closed lids and lips hang open. 

“Yeah, fuck, just like that,” Lucky says. His hand comes up from where it was resting on Connor’s thigh and grabs onto his shoulder, fingers digging in. It hurts, but Connor doesn’t mind.

Connor continues to stroke at an even pace, eyes gliding over Lucky’s face and body, taking it all in. Lucky continues to drop little praises between them, mixed with his moans and curses. Connor feels like he could listen to the way Lucky says his name forever.

It’s not long before Connor notices the way Lucky’s hips start hitching with his strokes and speeds up his hand. He loosens his grip slightly so Lucky can fuck into his hand in time with his strokes. 

“Lachlan,” Connor’s voice sounds hoarse and fucked-out, even to his own ears, “Open your eyes. I want to watch you come.”

Lucky moans and his eyes open, gaze unfocused. Connor is transfixed by his face: the square jawline and full cheeks flushed with pleasure, the way his eyelashes flutter as he struggles to keep his eyes open, the shape of his mouth as he moans Connor’s name over and over.

Connor feels Lucky’s cock get impossibly harder in his hand as his pace becomes more erratic. Connor sees the moment before he comes in his eyes as they roll back, his eyes slamming shut. Connor feels the momentary desperation before the relief in the way Lucky’s fingers clench into the pillow beside his head and into the meat of his shoulder.

He feels the first pulse in the kick of Lucky’s cock in his hand before the cum hits his chest, his name on Lucky’s lips as he comes. He strokes Lucky through his orgasm in even pulls. He feels breathless and in awe and reaches up with his lips to pull Lucky into a deep kiss.

When they pull away, a while after the last pulse Connor feels, Connor is smiling wide. Lucky rolls off him and pants in the bed next to him, his arm draped over his eyes as he catches his breath. Connor stays smiling like an idiot at the ceiling.

“Holy fuck,” Lucky murmurs against his elbow next to him.

Connor hums. “Yeah.”

“No, seriously. Holy fuck.” Lucky knocks his leg against Connor’s. “You’re seriously telling me you’ve never done that before?”

Connor lets his head drop to the side to look at him. “No?”

Lucky peaks an eye out and looks at him. “What are you, some kind of prodigy? What the fuck?”

“Uh…”

“Did you hack my brain? How—I’m serious, Connor. I can’t believe that’s the first handjob you’ve ever given. I think I might’ve died and fucking transcended. Fuck,” he breathes.

“Um… Thanks?” Connor says, unsure, “I guess I’ve spent a lot of time jerking off, so…”

Lucky knocks a knee against him again, harder this time. “Shut the fuck up.”

Connor laughs.

Lucky turns in the bed to face him and smiles dopily. “Do you want me to get you again?”

“Huh?”

Lucky gestures to Connor’s dick, hard and curved up against his stomach.

“Oh! I didn’t even—No, I’m okay. I think I might be fully dry.”

Lucky laughs. “Yeah, okay.” He’s silent for a second. “Hey, Connor?”

“Mmm?”

“Stay, yeah?” he says, voice quiet. 

“Okay,” Connor replies softly.

“You can stay there; I’ll grab you a towel to clean up.”

“Hmm?”

“Your chest?”

“Oh!” he huffs and looks down at the mess on his chest. He runs a finger through the mess and pops it in his mouth, the flavor salty and tangy on his tongue. “Hmm!”

Lucky groans beside him, “Oh my god! What the fuck am I gonna do with you? You’re a fucking menace.”

“What?” Connor asks, confused.

Lucky rolls his eyes and climbs off the bed. “I can’t believe you genuinely don’t know what you do to people, do you? Fuck.”

Connor shrugs, not really following but too content to care.

They wake up facing each other the next morning, the sliver of light streaming in through the curtains illuminating their faces. Their bodies are pressed in close. Close enough that Connor feels Lucky’s morning boner pressing into his own.

Through sleepy blinks, they kiss for a long time, slow and heated, their bodies sliding against each other. Lucky hooks a strong thigh over Connor’s and pulls them even closer together, their hard dicks sliding against each other perfectly.

They moan into each other’s mouths, kissing messily as the sensations build. Eventually, Lucky reaches down and wraps a hand around both of them, rocking against each other. The air in the room feels thick with their pants and moans.

Each slide of Lucky’s cock against Connor’s sends sparks up his spine; the way their heads rub together is unlike anything Connor’s ever felt before. The pressure of Lucky’s hand is light, and it shouldn’t be enough to get him to the edge, but it does faster than he expects.

“Lachlan, I’m gonna come,” he whispers, his voice thick with sleep and arousal.

“Mmm, me too,” Lucky moans.

When Connor comes, it’s nothing like the night before. It’s slow and sensual, waves of heat and pleasure rolling through him like molasses. Lucky follows not long after, covering them both in sticky heat.

Lucky captures Connor’s lips again, resuming their lazy kiss for a little while longer until the mess between them gets to be uncomfortable.

Lucky reaches up with his hand and licks it clean—it unbelievably makes a molten wave of heat roll through Connor’s body again—before he reaches up to cup Connor’s cheek.

“You didn’t panic and run away,” Lucky says evenly, without judgment and maybe even with a sigh of appreciation and wonder.

“Yeah, I guess I didn’t,” Connor smiles. “Why? Did you expect me to?”

Lucky shrugs. “I don’t know, I guess.” He pauses and sighs. “It happens. A lot of guys will have the post-nut clarity, or whatever, and make it clear that they regret what happened. They’ll try to make it real clear they’re “straight” which…” He shakes his head. “Anyway, I didn’t know you wouldn’t do the same. I mean, I hoped you wouldn’t. But…” He trails off and shrugs.

It stings more than Connor expects, and he feels his full-body wince. “Good thing I’m gay then, eh?” he says. 

He didn’t know he was going to say that when he opened his mouth to respond, but he feels with amazing—post-nut—clarity that he is glad he did.

Lucky smiles and it's the smile that makes Connor feel warm and tingly from the top of his head to the tips of his toes. It’s a different heat than before. He imagines it’s the type of heat that sunflowers chase when they supposedly turn to follow the sun.

“I’m glad you stayed,” Lucky says.

“Me too.” Connor leans in and plants a soft kiss on Lucky’s lips.

Lucky hums, content. “Come on. Let’s shower, and then I can make us breakfast.”

Later, when he’s sat at the kitchen island watching Lucky talk animatedly about the merit of sharks of all things while making an incredibly delicious smelling omelet, Connor is struck by the normality of the whole thing.

You could replace Connor with any single person, and the world would keep spinning. Why would Connor be any different?

He thinks about checking his phone earlier. He had opened it, heart pounding, holding his breath while he towel dried his hair—he took the opportunity while Lucky was drying his hair in the bathroom with an absolutely wild-looking contraption—”It’s called a diffuser, Connor”.

So, he was hiding, essentially, crouched on Lucky’s bedroom floor where Lucky had plugged his phone in before bed, knuckles white around his phone as he turned the screen on.

It was underwhelming, really. The world did not burn down. It wasn’t front-page news on ESPN or Deadspin or Twitter or something. There wasn’t some sort of international beacon that went out screaming: “Connor McDavid is Gay” or “Connor McDavid has Gay Sex; what is next for the Edmonton Oilers Captain”. There were no “you’re fired” texts from Ken or Bettman. There were no “you’re disgusting, and I hate you” texts from all the people in his life who loved him.

There were only the normal texts. Photos from Cam of some Canada Geese. A text from his mum asking how he was doing. The most notable thing on his phone was a recent text from Leo, apologizing for Nashville—an apology Connor didn’t feel like he was owed, but Leo wanted to let him know he was sorry anyway. 

“Hey, just wanted to say sorry for how I was in Nashville. I don’t want you to think I meant it,” he had said. “You’re one of the best people I know. I was worried and hurt. So I’m sorry. I hope you’re having a good time in Australia. You haven’t sent me any pictures, asshole.”

“Isn’t it like 3 am in Germany right now? Shouldn’t you be getting your beauty sleep?” Connor had texted back.

Leon had sent back his typical response—an eye roll emoji—and Connor had smiled and turned off his phone.

So, Connor watches Lucky move at the stove, easy and carefree. And, for the first time in a long time, Connor feels a little bit of that ease in his chest. Like there is just a little bit more room to breathe. Like there is an ever so slightly less weight on his shoulders.

For the first time since he was 10, Connor considered that maybe he could be wrong. That maybe Connor McDavid could get to have something like this. Something easy—private but easy. Connor considers that maybe this is something he might want to share with a select few people when he’s ready. Not the people who would make it into a Connor McDavid-97-Captain issue. But people who deserve to see Connor a little more clearly.

But for now, he’s just content to watch as Lucky tries—and fails—to flip the omelet in the air like a pancake.

“So, how do you feel about scrambled eggs?” Lucky asks, smile broad and eyes shining.

“Good,” Connor laughs. “I feel good about scrambled eggs.”

“Fuck yeah!” Lucky laughs.

“Fuck yeah,” Connor says softly.

Masterlist | (My requests are currently closed.) | AO3

[nomsfaultau]

Writing advice

Writing Mandatory Family Reunion has gotten to the point of emotionally convoluted that I'm making scene roller coaster charts and color coding parts of the text by topic. Which, I highly recommend these writing tools. A roller coaster map is something I picked up from theater, and is useful for structuring emotions. A quick example below:

Its where you plot a timeline oscillating between positive and negative emotions, and how quickly they're switched between. It helps to know where you want the emotional peak/pit for a scene/chapter/story, so you can arrange plot beats accordingly. Many stories try to have escalating conflict, so you can use this method to gauge the intensity of reactions to crisis in order to achieve this. The problem I had with my chapter was whiplash between emotions, so by charting it out I could see where transitions needed to smooth jarring flips between emotional extremes. Flooring the gas pedal can also be bad, so the roller coaster method lets you see how quickly you switch between major emotions, and where breathing room may be helpful.

There is a problem with the axis being positive to negative. While capturing the intensity goes alright, it's hard to distinguish different types of emotions. Anger, fear, and sorrow are all negative, but also feel very different to a reader. So at peaks/plummets I made little notes about the majority emotion there. I found the roller coaster method made it easier to understand how my character's would react based off their accumulating emotional/mental state, and you can multiple to track the journeys of multiple characters.

As for the color coding method, I use it for structuring ideas. I took sections of the text in a scene and colored them based on the topic. Using comment options can also be super useful. A following example, redacted so I don't spoil my readers lol:

This helped with tracking the development of an idea in a scene where many interweaving subjects were being covered. I first focused on just how that idea changed over the course of the scene, and the next and next. Then, I looked at the transitions between each colored block, mostly the last/first two sentences between the concepts. That way I could see if there was a clear flow of logic between one topic to the next. Then, I started rearranging the parts into a way that structured a more solid scene. The scene felt a little bit like a puzzle, trying to get transitions to line up, switching around colored paragraphs into an order that made sense both for the individual argument angle as well as how it contributed to the other topics. I personally was using this for an internal monologue heavy scene, but I imagine it could also work pretty well for conversations.

Anyway, these are just some tools I use when I dislike a scene but can't figure out why. Visualizing the story can really help when trying to structure the ideas and emotions. Happy writing!

[stark-reading-mad]

if possible, i'd love to ask a quick follow-up again on your response to my q on apps you use as a law student :) you mentioned xodo & pdfexpert as two apps you use for pdfs. as a fellow law student, i've struggled with finding an appropriate way of reading/organising/annotating long pdfs.. if possible i'd love to ask two quick qs!

could i ask how you use each app? i'm not very organised so i'm thinking of committing to one but not sure which

could you give a step-by-step rundown of your approach to studying a new topic/section of the law? (e.g., do you read before a lecture/annotate handout/notetaking in seminars) my course introduces a new legal area each week per module so was wanting some professional advice on how to manage :') tysm!! <3

Hi again! This is how I use XODO/PDF expert:

(take my advice with a grain of salt I don't really have a stellar academic track record and the only thing I'm good at is spending all my hours studying and coming up with ideas that need a lot of years to perfect. I'm hoping the hard work will pay off in later years but everything's more of a WIP at the moment. I don't have an estimate of my own credibility)

Whenever I have a long 500 page judgement to get through, I break up the long judgement by adding an index in the app. The apps lets me add my own index. If it is a textbook, I already have an index so navigating in between the pages is easier, and it also helps me get a bird's eye view of the subject/topic

After indexing it, I assign a specific color to a specific sub-topic. One judgement, for example, deals with several issues, like Secularism, Federalism, etc. I assign a color to them, and as I'm reading the judgement, I highlight specific lines with their specific colors that basically sum up the argument being made. So I know which paragraphs talk about which sub-topic.

When I've highlighted the main arguments, and then I glance through the document, a little mind map begins to form in my mind. I learn to separate small nuggets of ideas and learn how they're linked to each other.

I also sum up the paragraphs or put in key phrases on the margins when I feel that they have switched to talking about a distinctly separate idea.

Now I switch to other note taking apps for the next step. Usually, I use Obsidian to make my notes.

After understanding the basic framework of whatever text I am reading, I make my own mind map or framework with my own words. This step is very important, because it is very easy to lose yourself in the topic and not know how to make a head or tail out of it. Especially legal text.

Finally, I have personally found that it is important to set up a strict timeline to when you want to be done with a specific topic and move on. The temptation to go deeper into any topic is very real and negatively affects your ability to get a grip with the subject as a whole. Do not give in to it. Whenever you sit down to study a topic, restrict yourself to one document/text/judgement/whatever class notes you're handed. Do not try to look up something, and get trapped in the hyperlink loop.

-----------------------------------------------------

TLDR;

1. I use pdf readers to highlight topics by different colors so I can break up the text into topics and learn how the different ideas are linked.

2. I then make my own framework from the text with my own words and put that in my notes

[tavyliasin]

Beta Reading FanFiction - A Guide for Readers and Writers!

Let's just start this off right away - hi there fic writers who prefer to "no beta we die like [character]"! I used to be a lot like you, but then I found that when I struggled or didn't know what to do in a piece, or my confidence in it waned entirely, the one thing that saved the fic and helped it to reach its full potential was a trusty Beta Reader or two! So, this guide will be aimed at both writers themselves and Beta Readers, and of course those who are interested in becoming both/either and want to get more of a feel for what to expect and how to be more helpful to one another with Beta Reading and editing works. Let's begin, shall we? I'll pop up a header for each section to make it easier to go over as well~

Why Use Beta Readers?

When we're writing a piece, it is very easy to get into the flow and overlook minor mistakes. Also, when we know our story inside and out, we might be forgetting to explain a plot point or set it up properly for the payoff later, and sometimes we might even be overexplaining something that is better left to the space between the lines to let the reader get a feel for it without holding their hand to every realisation. The point is, we can be too close to our works. Fresh eyes and opinions can see things that we couldn't, and a good Beta can also give you confidence back and motivation if you're struggling with block or losing faith in your style/story/ability.

Why not rely on Google/Spellcheck? Grammarly?

The automatic tools in most programs won't always pick things up that you need them to, like maybe you used the same word 3 times in one paragraph. To a reader that'll sound off, it'll break the flow, but a spell checker won't notice it at all. Sometimes, too, automated tools can make entirely incorrect suggestions. I have had them try to suggest I change words that were used and spelled perfectly into other words that did not fit the context or purpose in the slightest. No, google, they purred in her ear, not pureed. They didn't pull out a blender from nowhere... These automated tools - and particularly things like Grammarly - are also no good at all for things like style or speech patterns. They might be wonderful for professional emails or checking over an essay, but when it comes to creative writing they tend to fall far short of the mark.

How do I find Beta Readers?

Sometimes you might find willing Beta Readers amongst your audience, other times you may well need to look further afield. One method can be looking at creative communities and fandom communities for the fandom/characters you're writing about. Another could be offering a beta-swap with another writer so you help check each others' works over.

How do I offer to Beta Read or find works needing checks?

You could approach a writer directly if you want to, but you will likely find that offering to beta read for people will quickly bring up those who are looking for them. There might be fic and writing communities specifically looking for beta readers to help out. There's more often a shortage of feedback than there is a shortage of works that need it! I do, however, recommend that you keep a list of "red light topics" with your offers. Let people know the things you are not willing/able to read. Almost everyone has content types they're not comfortable engaging with for any number of reasons - you don't have to explain why, just be honest and say "I am not able to beta read works containing topics x, y, and z." Anyone demanding you give them your reasoning for not wanting to read those topics does not deserve the answer. Boundaries are there to be respected and keep us all safe.

How does it work? What do I need to set up first?

One of the easiest ways to comment and give feedback is by using Google Docs. Those of you familiar with GDocs, or those not interested in using them, can feel free to skip ahead to the next section now! When using google docs, if you are reading and commenting on peoples' works and your legal name is connected to your google email account, it is worth considering a secondary email account and google profile under your username/pseudonym to maintain your anonymity and comfort. I do this myself, I have a separate email I use for fic writing (which also helps keep my Google Drive neater!) and open the windows with the different accounts.

The black arrow there shows the profile icon that brings up this menu, then you can click the Add option at the bottom to have a new profile in your browser. I find it also helps to use the settings to colour code them, so while my main email ID uses a black colour scheme and window border, for this account I have purple. That way I know which account I'm in when I open a document to read it for someone, and keep my main email and ID separated.

When sharing your document, you'll need to decide on the level of privacy. Generally with fic I will use the option for "anyone with the link can comment" and share the link in specific discord servers with beta readers, or in other cases send it privately via DM. The upside of this is it is easy to use, and you do not need to manually approve access for anyone offering reads. The sharing menu is on the top right of your doc, and it will bring up this window for you. The first open box will allow you to type in specific email addresses to give access only to those people (see further down). Otherwise, clicking where it says restricted gives you the option to change to "Anyone with the link", after which you can select whether people with that link can view, comment on, or edit the document. It's important to note that if you give someone editor access, they can change the document without you approving or denying changes. Commenter access still allows for changes to be suggested, but you will ultimately have to approve them for the main document to change. More examples of that later! And as the title may suggest, the Viewer access will not allow the reader to make any suggestions on the work at all.

If you keep with restricted and enter an email address, it will give you a new window where you can choose the access level, decide if the added people should receive an email notifying them of access, and add in a message that will go with that email if it is selected.

What If I Do Not Use Google Docs?

Whilst GDocs is a commonly used standard, and relatively user friendly, not everyone may feel comfortable with the way it works particularly with email addresses. It's up to you what other systems you might like to use, but ideally your reader should be able to access at least a copy of the document that they are able to edit and/or annotate. Make sure that the format you use is compatible for your reader, and it is likely a good idea to save another copy of your original unedited work in case you want to compare the suggested changes to your original.

What you should let your Beta Reader know, or what a reader can ask the Writer before reading

First things are the obvious ones for writers - the word count of your piece, a brief synopsis including characters involved, and if there is a deadline for receiving the feedback. Prospective beta readers can give an idea of the maximum length of work they are willing to go over as well as an estimate of how long it will take to get through it with feedback. This helps you to both know what the expectations are and can alleviate the anxiety of "I haven't heard back from the beta read yet, is it because the work is that bad?" The most important thing though is to let your Beta Reader know what CWs and TWs are present in your work. It's not good for anyone to expose them to triggers and content they can't handle without warning! If you haven't worked out your list of CWs yet, then you need to be up front in this and find a reader who is either fine with reading without CWs, or who can tell you their "no read" list of topics so you can know if you included any of those that they wish to avoid. If you are a reader offering your services, it can help to keep your list of topics, characters, and tropes that you are not comfortable reading about. You don't have to push yourself to engage with triggering content just to help someone out, even if they're you're very best friend in the world. Your boundaries and comfort matter. After that's out of the way, you need to think about what you do and don't want out of the beta reading. Are you looking for detailed notes on the pacing and characterisations? Is there a segment you are unsure on that you'd like to change? Or do you just need a quick pass to make sure there's no obvious mistakes or continuity errors? If a beta reader knows what to look for - and sometimes more importantly what not to look for - it can help them as they go over your work. If you are a reader and the writer hasn't given you specific guidance, don't be afraid to ask them what they need to know. The kinds of things that people tend to want feedback on might be: - Overall plot. Is it enjoyable? Are there any weak points? - Continuity. Are there any mistakes or inconsistencies? - Spelling and grammar. Particularly for those writing in a secondary language, this could be something they would like particular attention on. Others may feel they don't want their grammar "corrected" if they have a specific style that they like writing with. - Character voices. Do the characters act and sound true to how they should in canon/headcanon? - Specific sections. That bit in the fifth paragraph, does it make sense? Was the opening strong enough to catch interest? - Length and pacing. Did the story and action progress in a satisfying way? Is the piece too long or short? - CWs and Tags. Do the listed tags and CWs cover everything? Are there any things that have been missed out, or any things that are listed but aren't present in the fic? - Readability. Is it clear what's happening even to someone for whom English is a secondary language? This is where having Beta readers with English as a secondary language can be really helpful, because some things might not quite feel the same to some of those readers in your audience too so adjusting them helps widen your appeal.

How To Present Feedback

A lot of feedback is easier to give in the document itself. With Google Docs comment mode, you can highlight individual lines to add a comment, or you can even make in-line editing suggestions.

If you're suggesting a small change like punctuation or grammar, it can be best to do these as in-line edits that can be accepted or rejected by the owner of the document quickly and easily.

Bigger changes like suggesting rewording a full line, or fixing continuity details, are better done as comments which can facilitate a back and forth discussion on how to handle the editing and solution to it. It's also easier to look at the change compared to the original this way, as in-line editing for longer sentences can take up a lot of space. As you can see in the top image, a lot of these longer suggestions will look less clear, but the bottom allows for more of a back and forth to develop the editing.

You might also want to leave some overall feedback, a summary of your interpretation of the work as well as the continuity, content, and anything else that the author was looking for.

It's good to make sure you have some positive as well as the changes needed to polish up the piece, and when suggesting changes try to keep them as open suggestions that the author can choose to work with or not, rather than presenting them as imperative. Keep in mind that sharing "unfinished" work can be really daunting, especially for a newer writer! We all benefit from some confidence boosts, and that helps us achieve the pinnacle of what we're able to accomplish in our works too. People don't tend to learn and improve if their passion is drained away by negative feedback. Remember your role as a Beta Reader is to encourage and support, to enable the writer to make the little changes to their piece that will help their story shine to its full potential!

What Should You Not Say In Beta Feedback

With the last part above in mind, the biggest thing is to not try to take over the writer's vision for their story and characters. Present your ideas as options the writer can choose to use or not, and remember it is their work at the end of the day.

A big thing here is never leave only negative feedback, that's an obvious one. But also please never leave a work without any feedback at all - if you feel like you're not able to give the work its due, for any reason whatsoever, please tell the writer so they know not to wait for your feedback. It can be so draining to have no response and wonder if it's because the work is so bad that the Beta Reader started but didn't want to continue. It is perfectly fine to tell a writer you can't continue, just do so with care! Either "unfortunately I no longer have the free time to beta this piece, but I wish you all the best with it", or "sadly there are things in this work that I'm not comfortable with reading, so I hope you are able to find someone who might be better suited to works containing [cw or trope]" and let them know it is not an issue of the piece's quality but instead is a personal thing unrelated to their skill as a writer. You are under no obligation to give free beta feedback on a work that makes you uncomfortable, or if other things take priority - it's a free favour we give to our fellow creatives, an offer to help, not a paid role or obligation.

Also do keep in mind what the writer has requested from the Beta Read - if they don't want lore accuracy info then it's not helpful to comment on the misuse of a spell or the wrong year referenced. Look at what the writer needs from you, and try to fill that for them!

What is useful feedback?

Useful feedback would be things we can build on, suggestions that keep to the spirit of the piece and the mood the writer is aiming for. If a sentence doesn't flow well, try to pinpoint why, and even better give a couple of options of how to rework it if you can. It doesn't help to say "this paragraph doesn't really work for me" but it is helpful to say "the pacing in this paragraph isn't quite flowing with the rest of the piece, it might help to...[either add a suggestion or two, or suggest reworking it on a basis of pacing]" When suggesting a change, it helps to mention why that change is being suggested. Particularly if someone uses English as a secondary language, they might not realise that the way they've ordered words doesn't quite work for English, or that a particular word doesn't work in the context that they're using it in. Beta feedback can be a powerful learning tool in improving future works, and it's easier to learn when there's a reasoning behind it~

What if the writer rejects the suggestion?

That's ok! Remember that it isn't a reflection on your ideas or your ability as a beta reader - at the end of the day, the story belongs to the writer and it is up to them what they would like to do with it. There may be things they agree with, but equally there could be times that the suggestions don't work for what they're aiming for. Try not to take anything personally, your job is there to help suggest, not to take over the editing in full.

What if I'm not happy with the feedback from my Beta Reader?

Beta readers are there to give you suggestions, not orders, and it is completely ok to discuss the options or just reject the changes. You're the author of your work, and it's up to you to know what you're happy with. It can help to listen to outside opinions, but at the end of the day that is all they are - opinions, and those can differ between people a lot! Because of this it can help to have a second (or more) Beta look over your work and give an alternative opinion. Sometimes that might mean they agree with previous feedback, catch something the other person missed, or they might agree with your idea rather than the other reader. Either way, having that second opinion can help you feel confident in your decisions by knowing you have more of a range of views.

Should I credit my Beta Readers?

That's up to you and your Betas what you're comfortable with! Sometimes people put up a general "thanks to my beta readers" in the notes, or other times if both parties agree then a writer can tag or name Beta Readers in the notes as thanks. That's up to the writer and reader, and we shouldn't be offering our services only in hopes of being credited visibly on works.

But it is generally good practice to at least verbally thank your beta readers for their hard work - after all, they've done this for free and helped you out! Swapping beta readings can be a great way to feel like an even trade of your time and energy, and could even form a strong working relationship together if you find you are compatible with content and feedback!

So, What Now?

If you have any questions, or indeed comments about things I've missed or things you feel I may be wrong about, please do let me know in comments! I'm more than happy to edit this blog piece to help as a guide for my own creative cabal of fic writers as well as something that can be more widely used by those who aren't sure about becoming a beta reader or finding them~

Happy writing, everyone! May your works reach their full potential and truly shine~

[sansloii]

Dissect your own writing style. What do you do most often? What do you want to take away from other writers (tag them if you want)? What is something you want to break out of?

when i started eons ago (2011/2012-ish), I had major issues with splicing-- where i felt the need to reply to every single thing in a response. even though it seemed like my muse was thoroughly engaged with whoever they were interacting with, it made my writing quite awkward since i would jump from one topic to another--from one focus to the next--and it didn't really flow well either. it wasn't pleasant to read and if i went back to re-read it, i found it very tedious. i would scan it, which is even worse because if i'm not properly re-reading it, why would anyone else, you know? i also struggled with many of the things most people did, which included dumping a thesaurus ( not to the point of purple prose ) into my writing and praying it would make it better.

anywho, i mention splicing first because it was the driving factor in me reshaping how i wrote and everything else either came after or changed with it.

style and structure

my current writing style is divided into three parts: Reaction, Thoughts, and Response. how these three are arranged are completely dependent on how the prior post in the thread left off but more oft than not, they are in that general order; my outlines ( when i do write them ) are in a similar order too. It has its upsides ( it makes it easier for me to direct a thread or a response to something because there's a structure ) and downsides ( if I'm not willing to compromise on structure here and there, it makes it difficult to frame my writing properly ). overall, though, it's helped me--as frustrated as i get with getting things down

reactions and thoughts tend to either take 2/3rds of a reply and a response takes up about 1/3rd. the reason why reactions and thoughts are bundled together is because, to me, they're more or less blended together by default and trying to section them out like "here's a reaction. then a thought" interrupts the flow of my writing. instead, they're layered together so it allows me to maybe going back and forth when a muse is reacting and/or thinking about what's happening in a moment. the response is, more oft than not, interacting with the other character if it wasn't included in the previous section and active dialouge. i've been guilty of having my muse say things, do things, and think things that don't push anything forward so at the end of a reply, i make sure to evaluate whether or not my muse has done anything of substance if needed.

things i've noticed i do a lot are:

repetition for emphasis ( e.g: he tried over and over and over again )

including phrases/descriptions/entire sentences that a partner used not necessarily in that thread/ask, but in another in order to make a connection between the muses a bit more apparent

splitting dialouge with an icon or with a singular line of thought

splitting dialouge with action that's not "he said, she tells, they laugh", etc. if i can

if there is a theme that is going to prevail throughout the entire response/ask, it's usually established in the first or second paragraph

i'm sure there are other things that i do but these are the few i've noticed because they're more of an active choice i make.

dialouge

something i also do that's not necessarily visible in my writing is that i repeat my dialouge to myself with the general mannerism of whichever muse is talking. so take for example, mikah and kurama ( @un1awful ). these shits do nothing but make jabs at each other if they're not actively engaged in something serious. as a result, they're very dialouge heavily. mikah's words have to be concise and sharp ontop of conveying bits and pieces of their ego because of who they're dealing with ( like here ). mikah's not threating kurama--so it can't be too aggressive or too insulting... but it also needs to convey that they want him to shut the fuck up without them outright saying "shut the fuck up", you know?

on the flip side, we have Andris, who also has ego and is also sharp.... but the way he is sharp is different. he has that "customer service" type of voice--very even and is intentional about what he says and how he says it. any bite he has tends to be a bit subtle. for example, here when he addresses seth ( @starpoacher ), he's teasing back but he's also still a little annoyed about seth barging in, hovering over his shoulder, etc., hence the use of "sir chef" instead of Seth's name. it comes and goes quickly because... it's seth and he will ultimately get over it, but that's how he tends to convey things.

it's a little awkward repeating dialouge to myself but it also helps me identify better ways to say something or to figure out if something is not quite right about a phrase my muse says. my muses also have different cadences when they speak so repeating them in that cadence does help when it comes to placing it in a reply and knowing where i can break it up, if needed.

what i want to take away from other writers + what i want to break out of

i require the ability to proofread better.

i don't think i'm the only one that thinks faster than i type and so, i forget words/sentences/etc. and don't catch it until i circle back for a second read... after i've posted it. it doesn't happen a lot but when it does i cringe so fucking hard.

i also have a bad habit of writing too much and not being willing to cut things out even if i don't like it, which stems from the mentality that "longer is better" and it's not. longer without substance is not better. longer with tedious language is not better. longer to the point of... not quite knowing what the point of the reply was is not better.

i've curbed a little bit of that through reading the threads and asks answered by others ( @un1awful, @rexpyre, @nezumivc103221, @bloodxhound, @royaletiquette to name a few ) and it's less to take from them and more to just... see how they write, i guess? and not necessarily things that i'm involved in but thing threads or asks i catch that are interesting to me. it helps to take a step back and not think so much about how i write things for a little bit and just... read something else--something that i have nothing to do with. in a way, it helps me be a little more objective with my own writing.

as much as i like my style and the way i write, seeing it over and over again makes me crave variety. i want to see how other people describe things or get from A to B. to that point, varying sentence structure is another thing at the back of my mind that.... i have a love-hate relationship with. on one hand, i can write something and be perfectly fine with it. on the other, i look at it and wonder why i have multiple long sentences like "[action/thought] and [action/thought]" right next to each other. it's that or a bunch of short sentences bundled together. sometimes, it's even a long and short sentence but they don't flow well like that... so they both need to change. i get though it somehow but not without some difficultly

Unprompted | @eternasci

[unholyverse]

travis is doing what now???

congrats. or not. you made it to part 2 of my explanation/summary of that. you can find part 1 here.

cw: some (not too graphic but still present) smut written by a guy who is friends with the people in this fic + discussion of religion in a very general metaphor way

this is the part i'm warning you about the smut and general nightmare feeling: chapter 4: brainwashed

in his author's note, travis wishes readers happy pride (if this is pride, i feel wrath) and starts questioning whether he should be continuing the fic (should've questioned that a long time ago) and then admitting he wrote 30 FUCKING PAGES for this chapter.

this chapter takes place over the course of a week, starting with awsten and geoff on a date where they start getting to know each other. geoff starts saying how he's working on a project in this place where he's interviewing people about their relationship to the in universe equivalent to christianity or some abrahamic religion if you add the pokémon knockoffs to them. so they get into a conversation about theology that was like reading the glup shitto post but religious bc seriously i don't know or care about these stupid fantasy names.

so then after all this they go to geoff's apartment to have fade to black sex that's only implied in the second day section.

unfortunately some of the smut is not fade to black from this point forward.

awstens horny wants more dick and geoff's just trying to get breakfast for them which prompts this scene.

is this a good time to remind you that travis is writing this about the friends he has in real life. he knows these people. personally.

thank you travis for restoring my faith in my smut writing abilities 🙏 because now i know at least i'm not writing scenes like these about my irls.

ok back to the fic they have SHOWER SEX after that and we also have to read that for some reason.

so after that they watch some old show together and awsten asks if geoff has any pets and this is the part where i find out there’s normal animals and pokémon ripoffs in this universe which is weird.

geoff summons a recreation of his dog for a bit (that’s a thing i forgot to mention that mostly bc i do not care) and the day ends with him musing on that saying he misses his dog.

the third day section is a literal paragraph about them having fade to black sex. that’s it for that.

the fourth day section finds awsten going home for an hour to pick up new clothes to stay at geoff’s more and after that him and geoff go on a date outside.

it’s this point when geoff asks awsten if he can interview him for his project about people’s relationships with religion. awsten says yes, but pretty reluctantly.

so they get on with the interview which gradually gets awsten more uncomfortable with the personal questions.

this entire part is travis’ heavy handed way of approaching religious themes that are supposed to be in the album and my god does the allegory feel as heavy handed as the sparse religious references in intellectual property. considering this is a universe where travis tends to ignore things he’s not comfortable with writing for whatever reason (cough cough otto), i think considering this is a universe where all his friends are gay and yknow. the general relationship between gay people and religious can be pretty complex it just makes me wonder the implications of leaving that out too. if the topic got too real.

anyways.

awsten cuts off the interview and geoff starts opening up about his life which just means travis airs out the shit geoff has been going through for the past couple years minus the polycule.

is this a good time to note that geoff’s dog irl is named eevee (renamed here for obvious reasons) and said dog is still actually with his ex and kid. travis why are you airing this out and at what point in writing this chapter did it dawn upon you that this was a bad idea.

this section just ends in awsten wondering what else he doesn’t know about and then they make out.

the fifth day section starts with geoff trying to cook them food after the umpteenth time of them fucking. geoff makes a light joke that his cooking is only world famous to his daughter which makes the lines after that 10x worse

everything about this is actually terrible. the fact that geoff was trying to cook naked. “giving Geoff’s penis a light tap”. MANHOOD????

so anyways they cook a grilled cheese together and they talk and geoff ends up dropping that he’s seeing a pokemon knockoff tournament with a guy named pulo, another travis oc. geoff says they’re not exclusive or anything but awsten still feels like shit bc he probably thought him and geoff were at least. ouch.

the sixth day section is awsten musing about the new geoff revelations but then ending up having fade to black sex with him anyways.

the final section (of this chapter but. god that was long) is awsten finally leaving geoff’s apartment after a week there. meaning they make out for a long time at the door before awsten has to leave.

i can’t believe someone who knows both of them wrote this entire thing about them and posted it online. it genuinely baffles me how travis didn’t cancel writing the fic here before he could post it. but if you know what happened before next chapter posted, you’d know why he went on with this.

so travis lives in austin, texas (it’s the only way he can say he’s in awsten and it’s true). and so for the austin show, him, jawn, and zakk all got onstage for war crimes wearing something awsten had and travis was reveling this especially towards the end when he was hugging awsten and taking his damn time presumably whiffing him as much as he could under his mask.

and then this happens.

travis just gets to shake awstens ass in front of this audience twice 😭😭😭 might i remind you this is a show that rivers cuomo attended without anyone knowing until the day after.

so yeah that happens and then travis gets brought up again for awsten to hold him like a doll while he plays cherry red for travis to horribly sing.

so after this, i was like travis is either going to go home and jack off to this or he’s going to write the next fic chapter and i was definitely right about one of those things but still probably right about the other.

so now we’re here to the most recent part of this which is chapter 5: 2 best friends.

awstens all bummed about geoff hanging out with pulo so he goes out with travis and jawn to take his mind off things. the entire chapter is essentially travis being a very ooc party boy drunk (bc i think travis realizes how lame and nerdy his actual personality is) while him, awsten, and jawn all hang out and do dumb shit.

ok with that out of the way lemme just say it does not feel like i’m reading three different characters it just feels like i’m reading travis, travis, and drunk travis.

so anyways they all do shit but it doesn’t keep awsten from thinking about geoff in the end.

oh but that’s not everything nope not at all bc the ending is awsten and jawn. HOOKING UP.

oh my god. considering how awsten has slept with most of the male population in this fic except travis, i feel like travis writing this is just fueling some cuck fetish of his bc WHAT THE HELL IS ANY OF THIS SERIOUSLY.

anyways that’s all i have :) this fandom and the people involved with parx are actually insane on so many different levels i didn’t know were possible. i just want to interrogate travis for everything about this fic (with a knife in my hand)

[sunscreenstudies]

🎓 Simple Tips for Writing a Thesis 🎓

I'm nearing the end of my own Master's thesis and it's being an Absolute Trip tbh, so I decided to write a list of seven basic tips to hopefully prevent anyone else from going insane 🙃

1️⃣ 𝐂𝐡𝐨𝐨𝐬𝐞 𝐚 𝐌𝐞𝐚𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐟𝐮𝐥 𝐓𝐨𝐩𝐢𝐜: Pick a thesis topic that genuinely excites you! Choose something you're passionate about because you'll be spending a lot of time with it. Researching and writing about a subject that sparks your curiosity will keep you motivated throughout the journey.

2️⃣ 𝐏𝐥𝐚𝐧 𝐋𝐢𝐤𝐞 𝐚 𝐏𝐫𝐨: Outline, outline, outline! Break down your thesis into manageable chunks and create a detailed plan. In general, the format for most dissertations is introduction, state of the state, methodology, results, discussion, and conclusion. This will be your roadmap, keeping you organized and focused during the writing process.

3️⃣ 𝐃𝐨𝐧'𝐭 𝐃𝐢𝐯𝐞 𝐈𝐧 𝐇𝐞𝐚𝐝 𝐅𝐢𝐫𝐬𝐭: As much as you want to (or don't want to, as the case may be) tart with the body paragraphs first! It might seem counterintuitive, but fleshing out your main arguments will help you define a clear direction for your introduction and conclusion. If you're doing a STEM subject like me, then this will also help you define your null hypothesis in a way that makes the most sense when compared to the rest of the paper.

4️⃣ 𝐇𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐞𝐬𝐬 𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐑𝐞𝐬𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐜𝐡: Don't shy away from revising your work. Embrace the process of refining your ideas, polishing your language, and strengthening your arguments. Remember, writing is rewriting and you don't always have to accept your own hypothesis! If your results tell you that your theory was wrong, embrace it! Those are still valid results.

5️⃣ 𝐁𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐤 𝐈𝐭 𝐃𝐨𝐰𝐧 𝐈𝐧𝐭𝐨 𝐌𝐚𝐧𝐚𝐠𝐞𝐚𝐛𝐥𝐞 𝐒𝐞𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬: Set realistic milestones and take breaks to avoid burnout. Your mental and physical well-being is vital to producing quality work. Reward yourself for each accomplishment, no matter how small! Personally, I prefer working on a single section for three hours, taking an hour's break, and then moving on to a different section for another three hours, no matter how incomplete the first section is. This stopped me from getting frustrated and burnt out when things just weren't going my way (and I guarantee you, things will not always go your way!)

6️⃣ 𝐄𝐦𝐛𝐫𝐚𝐜𝐞 𝐘𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐈𝐧𝐧𝐞𝐫 𝐂𝐫𝐢𝐭𝐢𝐜: Your introduction should be engaging and captivating. Hook your readers and clearly state the purpose and significance of your thesis. Make it compelling and please please please remember the immortal words of Ernest Hemingway: the first draft of everything is shit. So be brutal with yourself, kill your darlings, and cut out every single sentence that does not provide the reader with new information.

7️⃣ 𝐖𝐫𝐢𝐭𝐞 𝐋𝐢𝐤𝐞 𝐚 𝐁𝐨𝐬𝐬: Craft a powerful conclusion that ties everything together. Summarize your key findings, reflect on the broader implications of your work, and leave your readers with a lasting impression. Always remember that the final sentence in everything you write, thesis included, should be a drop mic moment. If you can't envision yourself walking off stage after your last line, then something's got to change.

Trust in your abilities and stay determined and self-disciplined. Writing a thesis is an incredible opportunity for personal growth and intellectual exploration (and ranting about your favourite niche topic for a few thousand words!) I believe in you! 💕

[thecarnivorousmuffinmeta]

I haven’t gotten a chance to read most of them yet but I see you’ve written a lot of fics with @therealvinelle and I’m curious what it’s like writing with another person. I feel like when I’ve tried to write things with other people it works best for us to divvy up the sections, but I’d love to know how you work together on a cohesive tale!

I swear we've answered this before but neither of us could find it, so here we go again.

No, it's much weirder than that.

The first thing we do is sit down and decide what we want the story to be about. This often something like, "Let's write an Agatha Christie Halloween story where Bella kills everybody." We decide who we want the narrator to be, jot down a joint outline of everything we think should happen, then go off to the chapters.

We then will sometimes discuss what we think should happen in the specific chapter, who should be narrating if relevant, and what needs to happen and then we're off.

We write at the same time in the same doc and what usually happens is we'll either a) play off each other for a few sections where @therealvinelle takes one half of the dialogue and I take the other or b) she'll write a few paragraphs of a general topic and I'll pick up and start writing what will happen when those paragraphs conclude.

It works eerily well in a way it shouldn't and in our case produces the best results in that it's clearly a joint effort versus one person writing one chapter and the other writing the next, the tone never drifts too far in either direction and it gets to the point where it's sometimes hard for us to remember who wrote which line.

I've cowritten with others before and have not been able to take this approach and doubted I could if I tried.

[imjustania]

How to nail 💅your Essays

No matter if you’re in university or school, you will need to write a research paper. Now this post will be dedicated to a normal essay structure, if you need to write an essay based assignment on medical, biological, chemical, or any other science, you need to be more specific, as writing a lab report has a couple extra steps.

Now, you have an essay due in two weeks? A week? Tonight? I’ve been there and I share your pain. I am currently in my last year in university studying for bachelor degree in Marketing, and oh boy let me tell you, the amount of essays I had to write was unreal. Therefore, let me share with you some of my essays skills, to help your speed run your own assignment.

Step 1: OUTLINE IT!?

Ok i think so many of you out there are missing this step. You cant expect yourself to sit in front of the computer and start typing away your essay? No you cant do that. You need to spend a good amount of time sitting down and outlining your essay. Figure out what goes where, and what sources to use for each section. Luckily for you, you have me here to tell you the basic outline structure of every essay. It consists of the:

Table of content (depends on how professional your essay is asked for)

Introduction

Main body

Conclusion

… THATS IT! Only 4 sections (and a half) to write your essay. However of course there is more to write then just that. Lets break down those sections

1) Introduction: When writing the introduction for your essay, it's important to start off with a bang! You want to give your readers a glimpse of what's to come and hook their attention right from the beginning. Make sure to include a strong thesis statement that clearly states the main argument or purpose of your essay. To make it even more engaging, you can provide some background information about the topic and give a brief outline of the main points you'll be discussing in your essay. Therefore, every introduction should have an hook, explanation what you’re writing, what you think will be the result or what is the point you’re writing your essay, and outline all the points of the main body (but simplify them)

2) Main body: In each section of your essay, it's important to provide a detailed analysis and offer supporting evidence for the points you introduced at the beginning. Take each paragraph as a chance to present a single main idea or argument and support it with enough evidence, examples, or citations to back up your claim. To make sure your ideas flow smoothly, use clear and logical transitions between paragraphs. Lastly, remember to give credit to your sources and include proper references for any external information you include in your essay. Here are some side tips for you

Try to have at least a minimum of 3 main body paragraphs . Each paragraph should have one point which helps support your main hypothesis or reasons or this essay.

Each essay will have different main bodies, depending on the subject. Sometimes your main bodies will be dedicated to presenting information about your topic. So for example, as a marketer, I had to write many reports. Most reports written will always include a main analysis of the company (so SWOT, PESTEL, Stakeholder analysis, mission and vision of the company, etc). Depending on what the essay require you to do, you should consider to present your points in that order.

Even your main body should have a proper structure of introduction, main points, and the conclusion.

Don’t forget to have a proper in-text citations depending on which format you use.

3) Conclusion: A conclusion is a chance to wrap up your essay by summarizing the main points and restating the thesis statement. Remember not to introduce any new information here; instead, provide a concise summary of the arguments you've made throughout your essay. Furthermore, this is your chance to leave a lasting impression on your reader by offering insights, implications, or recommendations related to the topic. A well-written conclusion should leave your reader with a sense of closure and a clear understanding of the importance of your essay's content.

4) References: The references section of your essay is where you list all the sources you have cited or referenced. It's important because it helps readers find and verify the credibility of the sources you used. When writing the references section, make sure to follow the specific citation style required by your institution or professor, such as APA, MLA, or Chicago style. Include the author's name, publication year (if there is no publication year, then the article must not be reliable. It must always have a year), title of the source, publication information, and any other required details. Arrange the references alphabetically by the author's last name or by the title if there is no author (if there is no author try using the organisation or the website that published the text). Don't forget to double-check the formatting and punctuation for accuracy and consistency throughout the references section.

After your essay was outlines and you know exactly what you’re supposed to write… write it dude? Like you have the format, you have the sources, and you know your points. Just start writing… if you are having trouble getting started, then give a click to another one of my blogs on how to actually get started on studying.

If you want to go the extra mile, and also make the essay more professional here are some of my personal tips to accomplish that:

size 12 for normal text and size 14 for title (titles can be only bold)

Use text Times New Roman (ROMAN EMPIREEEEEEEEEE)

Double space of all essay

Have a cover page! You can find templates in the insert section of the word tabs.

Have numbers tag the foot of the page

And thats all for today folks! Hope this is actually useful to you, and if you are struggling with anything specific, then do let me know in the comment section or send me a question through the tumblr! Now thank you for reading, and leaving likes <3 don't forget to smile, because you’re beautiful.

[amadwinter]

Making of Monday - the thrill of the fall

On Making of Monday, we share behind the scenes of one of our works past, present, or future. All the little things that would fit into a DVD bonus content section: cut scenes, outlines, director's writer's commentary, or basically any thing that didn't make it into the final version. Send me an ask if you're interested in knowing little details about any particular fic!

Today on this Making of Monday, I'm going to talk about my much neglected longfic the thrill of the fall. I've started going through what I've already posted and editing it in hopes it will get me back to writing, even if it may not look quite like this.

(fairly long post under the cut with photos included)

While most of my recent fics have been relatively short, this one is not so much. Almost 30k posted, and with another 30k that has yet to be finished, this fic absolutely counts as a long fic. My process for writing these is a little different than shorter fics. And I'm going to take you through the process of how a chapter gets done (or at least how they have gotten done in the past and how I hope to continue in the future)

To begin with, I have my outline. Each of these are divided into an approximate chapter, although this can change by the time it's actually written. Then, I print it out.

This is from chapter 4 (helpfully numbered up top), which is extremely similar to the end result. Some chapters have major structural differences in between drafts, but not this one.

As you can see, I write notes in the margins, cross out things I don't like, bold things I want to emphasize, etc. etc. Some parts are moved to another point in the fic, some are tossed in a bin in hopes I might use them later. I even keep track of my word count as I go along, but that comes a little later.

From this outline, I handwrite my first draft in pen. Now, since it's been over a year since I worked on this fic, I have misplaced the yellow legal pad I was using to write it (or maybe I was using loose paper, I can't remember). However, it looks a little something like this:

Ignore the fact that this is a Star Trek fic

Cursive, mostly no paragraph breaks (=> signifies a paragraph break, who knows why I chose that symbol. I've been doing it like this for more than a decade). Sometimes my writing turns into more chickenscratch than cursive, but it's mostly legible to me (... mostly).

Then I type it all up, and I get something like this:

That's just the first page of it.

And then after a few rounds of editing, I have this (again only the first page):

Full chapter here, but I recommend reading it in order if you're interested.

And that's how the chapters get made!

... well, okay. With Chapter 4, I worked and reworked and reworked the smut scene to death to make it good. But other than that, it's usually just a couple rounds of editing and then it's posted.

A notable exception to this was Chapter 2, where I had a lovely lovely friend who I met at an in-person writing class look over to get some of the pacing right. I never did that again because even though this friend does read and write fic, they are also the Dungeon Master for our weekly Dungeons and Dragons game, and I don't think I could look them in the eye for a while if I asked them to proofread my smut.

... but that's a little off topic. Anyway, one day in the future, I might tell the story of how I came up with the idea for this fic, and trust me, it's not straightforward in the slightest.

[usefulfictions]

What is Digital Humanities? [Week 1/Introduction]

Writing from:

September 2023

The first week of my MA program (Philosophy, specialization in Digital Humanities)

A particular interest in digital storytelling and the role it plays in our understanding of life's meaning

As an introduction post, it is worthwhile to clarify what the purpose of this is: to fulfill a requirement for a course I have to take for the completion of my degree. That said, I also aim for this to be a resource for myself (and potentially others who might stumble across it) to reflect and recall the way my understanding of Digital Humanities and the issues contained within it has changed, developed, and become more complicated as my familiarity with the discipline and my interaction with others within it increases.

This - like all of the other blog posts for this course - is being posted at the end of my term. As someone who tends to be more tactile than technical, which is perhaps a not ideal tendency for someone interested in Digital Humanities. Nonetheless, that tendency led me to write these reflections in a physical journal and the business of school and the several jobs I have to pay for it led to me putting off actually typing up these posts. But, here we are! Several of my other courses have ended, and I am writing between work hours.

The first week of this course, called 'Issues in Digital Humanities' introduced us to Digital Humanities as a whole as well as to a specific question to help centre the course (and one that I carry with me beyond this single course): What is Digital Humanities?

Through discussion and referral to other sources and ideas of individuals beyond those in the class, it became very clear that even a technical definition of the discipline is hard to achieve in a way that seems faithful to Digital Humanities' aims and methods (which are in themselves hard to define or even determine). This was especially evident in a website that the instructor introduced us to, aptly called What Is Digital Humanities? This site generates responses to that question provided by participants in 'Day of DH' events (a date dedicated to examining the state of digital humanities as relayed by those who do work within the discipline) from 2009 to 2014. These responses range from paragraphs to short sentences, illuminating the expansiveness of just DH's definition, without saying anything about the expansiveness of DH itself. One answer I appreciated that came up in the random generation that I did when encountering the site was one from Daniel Hooper: "The stuff humanities people do when they get a computer."

In the syllabus for the course I am writing this post for, we are encouraged to specifically engage with what we find weird, wonderful, and worrying in each post. In future reflections, I imagine it might be easiest to split the post into three sections, each dedicated to one of these 'W's, but this week I think this central question 'What is Digital Humanities?' is all three in a way that would be diminished by my dividing it into three sections. So, instead, I think I'll highlight one main takeaway I have from this question which is weird, wonderful, and worrying: Digital Humanities seems to be relatively boundless. This is weird, especially from the context of Academia from which I write, as even the shape it takes as a quasi-department in which students can specialize is made up entirely of cross-appointed faculty. DH doesn't (and perhaps can't) stand on its own, which is something I think is wonderful and aptly counters the siloing which occurs in discussions of academic disciplines or expertise, if DH is based on its relation to other topics, whether humanities or technology, then it is interdisciplinary in a way that cannot be ignored like other disciplines might. My worry from this is perhaps much more pragmatic than it is theory/conceptually based, but the problem of legitimacy is one that DH faces off against in a multitude of ways. In DH's tendency to admit its own interdisciplinary expansiveness, I wonder if it risks delegitimizing itself. This is not something I think is inherently concerning, but I do think it is concerning in the context of academia, where things like individual grants and departmental funding pay great mind to the legitimacy of what is being funded, and that funding is essential to the survival of research and disciplines in academic spaces.

[misakialter]

Ok but am I about to Rant?

...You know what? Fuck it.

Why not, I'm gonna end the year talking about something nobody really cares but I certainly do for whatever reason: Dragon Ball Super, babyyyyyy.

Specifically the Granolah Arc.

(In advance, thank you for reading.)

Genuinely, I have like a lot to criticize about it but for those who need a refresh or have no idea what I'm about to say but still wanna read my thoughts anyways lemme do a quick summary for you.

The story continues from the resolution of the prior arc, as a power copying enemy known as Seventhree is salvaged by it's creator. Before this guy could do anything though, the titular Granolah trounces and steals the Android.

We find out he's the last of his race, and had his planet wiped out by Saiyans working under Frieza back then. He's serving a faction known as the Heeters, they sell planets but work under intel over force, now holding their own monopoly after Frieza's first death.

Keyword: FIRST. Now that he's back, they are in trouble and tell as much to Granolah, whose trauma kicks in and wants nothing but vengeance, but of course, he's too weak. Though the Heeters start to carefully plot around this development thanks to SevenThree's memory helping them get caught up with last arc's development and our heroes.

Granolah returns to his planet and the topic comes out with his caretaker, a namekian elder. Reminded of their set of 2 Dragon Balls and with the finding of the missing one, Granolah wishes to become the strongest (At a cost) and demands to see Frieza.

The Heeters, of course, tell him to stay put and set in motion their plan: Get rid of Granolah before he destroys the empire they wanna overtale by tricking Goku and Vegeta into coming, while they wish their toughest member, Gas, to be THE strongest to then kill Frieza.

After a long brawl between our heroes trying to talk Granolah down, the elder is forced to reveal some truths: A Saiyan (Bardock) saved them and the Heeters killed his mom actually, he couldn't reveal it prior as Granolah was put to work with them in exchange for their safety.

Thus, Gas turns into the strongest and faces the now teamed up trio who are vastly outmatched as he continues to grow, little by little wearing him down until Frieza's surprising arrival, who wipes out Gas in one clean sweep and leaves Goku and Vegeta with the bitter feeling of being left behind powerwise.

With Granolah now giving up on his vengeance, Goku finding out more about his father and adapting Ultra Instinct in his own way, and Vegeta fueling his newfound Ultra Ego form with his feelings on the Saiyan's past, the gang says their goodbyes and set off.

People with familiarity on the arc will notice me describing the entire second half of it in three paragraphs. And this is for sure not a mistake: This IS the relevant information of that section. So you know, we'll be here for a while when I get there. :)

So like, was the arc bad from the start?

No. Much like the grand majority of DBS, I think it's got one of, if not the most promising start so far, because as it stands, the arc set in motion a very character centric narrative over something with a bigger plot in motion. This is actually the most enjoyable part of it which we hardly get in this series at all, so it feels fucking good when people come to blows because we have so much baggage on each side the clash gets hype, much like how DBS: Broly toyed with (Or you know, how Battle Shonen that go hard do it).

Granolah is an interesting character, despite having his arc rushed at the very end and with some missed out chances. Already having seen a similar concept with Baby from GT, we know the idea of a surviving race member of a wipeout from the Saiyans writes itself. Not to mention his unique aspects such as his trauma or his combat quirks help him stand out beyond the cool design. He's also integrated into the world with as much grace as the new group, the Heeters, who serve as our "people to punch" this arc.

From the duo of Maki and Oil proving to be a little more comedic than threatening but still effective, and the cunning Elec being modestly entertaining, they don't feel out of place in the world of DB. Gas in particular I'm going to put off for now, but know that his interactions with Elec is what make the latter vastly more unique in terms of narrative role. Commander Red comes to mind but if he was played entirely straight. I think they serve the narrative pretty damn fine without the need to go beyond as characters, Gas nonwithstanding.

When it comes to Goku and Vegeta's role in the story, the latter gets the most out of it. His training with Beerus, his theraphy session with Granolah, his showcase of the Ultra Ego to an extent and him getting to interact with the Saiyan's past in a fresh way. They have never fucking fumbled Vegeta since the "doing the same thing as before but worse" allegations from prior arcs, which is a strong positive for his fans, but yeah, he doesn't get any Ws lmao.

With Goku, we have... Things happening for sure, of varying qualities, but the praises are getting short on that end, so I'm going to save it for later. On paper, I do appreciate the attempt to do more with this character and he still is not the weakest part of the character centric narrative.

In general, the central core of said narrative is one of the more interesting and cool so far. It makes the entire portion of the fight against Granolah all the better, not to mention that section having bouts of good coreography and action. I love having an enemy worth punching in a series where punching people happens so much they can be souless bricks to punch, especially if the bricks aren't interesting unlike, say, Frieza.

Speaking of, he turned out the be the funniest, most shocking element in this arc. Like not even as a joke, his presence is a legit highlight from the sheer absurdity of his impact. He barely gets foreshadowed at the first half, with the asumption it's the character who is most commonly tied to everybody what makes you think of him at all times, and isn't even used until the very last minute. But when he DOES show up, he ONE SHOTS GAS, VEGETA AND GOKU, claims to have been OUT OF RANGE for the "make me the strongest" wish to account for him, found a HYPERBOLIC TIME CHAMBER in space and proceedes to brag that he knew what's up and that got a brand new form only to LEAVE.

It's truly a chaotic shock to the system which matches the ridicolousness of Dragon Ball Heroes whipping out a new Broly out of nowhere every anniversary or so, but in an oddly positive way. Like you could've done more with the concept but honestly I can't truly be mad with the sheer boldness in display. But that's because... Well...

So like, is the second half bad or what?

I can certainly say the ending woke me up. But it's kinda fucked up how once Granolah stopped being the opponent everything else kinda crumbles into fighting a boring nothing character with no connection to the heroes and progression being constantly halted JUST so we can attempt to give this opponent some fluff.

Let's be fair: Gas holds his own with Granolah padding and brick personality aside, there is some setup to their rivalry and the backstory works, albeit motion is wasted to highlight aspects that only come out now instead of beforehand: The fact that he was envious, the stubborn devotion to his own techniques, Granolah feeling anything beyond towards him, etc. Still works fine, still patched up now.

There's also his relationship with Elec as a highlight, the former manipulating him and hyping him up in spite of Gas doubting himself, showing devotion and loyalty back to Elec and even being grateful he made him strong as he is, which is kinda tragic once he realizes what he becomes.

But I can't fucking caaaaare.

I believe the core problem with Gas is that they waited too fucking long to start showing his development and choosing the very distracting battle that HALTS ALL PROGRESSION to try and do something with him.

This is also after the big break which was the Bardock flashback, we'll get to that, but since the goal became his defeat and he has no one to bounce from naturally, the second Goku steps up as the main opponent (After the fight has had MANY twists and he powered up several times) everything resets completely harder than when each form turned the tides. Because Goku still had no internal change, he doesn't remember Bardock yet, and the story didn't think of bringing Gas along to recruit Goku and Vegeta and build THEIR personal rivalry outside of Bardock's impact on Gas after defeating him so it feels limp without the connective tissue.

So what we have is a scene which deadass could've played like this:

Their goal is to kill Frieza. They did not want to waste time. They literally just believed they killed Granolah and incapacitated both Goku and Vegeta. What are they gonna fucking do? Defend Frieza? They don't fucking care if he dies again, maybe they wanna fight them, but it would provide a fucking change of scenery which hasn't happened since the start of all the fighting. Gas too, like, sure, he would want to kill them for knowing too much but at this point NO ONE is a threat.

As a result the jawdropping moment of Ultra Ego and Ultra Instinct together feels wasted on a very lame opponent. The revelation Goku has to use Ultra Instinct his own way is just kinda there because Gas is the least important part of said development. The epic struggle to take him down feels done already.

It's tiring. Really tiring. No matter how fancy the techniques, the core character is being built as we speak in a narrative that SOLELY focused on characters on the last minute. And I can't care as a result.

Speaking of breaking progression and being tiring, we also need to talk about a little something.

This is another joke page, dw.

But uh, anyone feels like the first flashback would've been enough? Technically, they could skim on HOW Bardock defeated Gas interrupting an already glacial paced conflict, especially not without any substantial information to the characters, Goku's development aside.

Bardock doesn't feel entirely realized either. I appreciate the fact they are trying to bridge the gap between Minus and Z Bardock to make it look like it's mostly the same character but it's not until he's fighting where this seems to be at play.

He feels like he's on autopilot on his own plot thread. There's feeling his actions are arbitrary (To the point of needing a flashback within one for justification) as him being conveniently set up to be there, rather than let his character flow naturally. His impact is felt across the characters but "just so happens to be there" is not the card they play. This isn't a rando — Nonono, this is Goku's Dad™, therefore he MUST be important... Which goes against the core idea of making Minus Bardock and Z Bardock the same character, but topic for another time.

Point is: When the story could've chosen to use the Saiyans as a positive influence (A loaded statement but yet another topic for some other time), they really chose to tell this story in a rather clunky way, contradicting the core idea of a typical Saiyan without exploring Bardock's uniqueness regarding it (If he has it) when we need it to buy into it. We're coming off from the character from Minus, you HAVE to expand on it because that one had ALSO next to nothing going for him.

So yeah, I may be beating this aspect way too much but in hindsight, if the story decided it should be focused heavily for breaks between fight while also having a half that is meandering just to trigger Goku's memories, then maybe they should've thought about it a little more when telling this story.

Which leads us to perhaps the biggest weakness of writing for DB: Getting Goku involved in the plot without him feeling less like a problem solving plot device they are forced to keep out the action. He's active, sure, but he has no connection to anybody, so what do?

His arc this time around is Ultra Instinct being a technique Goku needs to improve on despite everyone in the fandom swearing that the one we were calling MASTERED Ultra Instinct for years wasn't really it. As such, he has to find a path to use it on his own, which obviously means "dodge on your base form" but there's more to it: He has to learn and stop mimicking Whis when doing so.

The solution is simple and it works in every aspect but to make UI less impactful, but asuming we saw that coming and we don't mind, this leaves Goku accepting his emotions instead of repressing them while using UI, thus getting the most out of the Sign form.

...And it's kinda disconnected to everything? They tacked in Bardock's sole focus on his drive to win as a catalyst which is why they used the second flashback, and that kinda gets a little lost when this still doesn't tie him to Gas and with how little that statement says on it's own. "He has the same determined look" doesn't work and the Sign reveal loses a lot of impact, so what we're left is with what feels like a very random power up.

This scene of Goku recovering his memories is used as a superficial aspect as a result, because the memories themselves don't make for anything beyond one disconnected touching moment. It's even lacking impact on Goku as a character because he sure knows the thing which never mattered to his core identity at all save for being a fighting freak, it would be nice if this was important as it wants to be. But that's it. Him being positively in touch with his Saiyan side internally has always been a thing, he's supposed to be the opposite of the stereotypical one, so yeah, sure. It's not awfully offensive but it sure feels wasted.

Wait, that's it? Those are your takes?

Listen, you probably expected me to go off over the new set of DBs making the story lame with how anyone can wish for strength or what I think about the new forms and how I think they are either ugly or cool, but like, I feel there was a bigger urge to talk about the core narrative problems and less about the window dressing of the action. The balls have always been in a downward spiral to becoming too convenient already, and forms as punctuations for progression is like, tiring but it works visually, it's not a specific problem to the arc but the series as a whole.

Overral, I just feel uneven about it. The character driven conflict is obviously gonna leave you with a lot of holes if you don't keep it PERSONAL so the failure to do something so cool with DB hurts a lot. Undeniably though it's first half was the best part of this entire Manga on setup alone.

The second half is an atrocity however that makes me call the arc trash without the hesitation that I should be having. The fighting? Drags on with a nothing opponent. The opponent? Boring us to death as momentum has to stop to develop them. The developments? Tied to Bardock between breaks in a couple of flashbacks, used sloppily with a protagonist that feels uneven. Our actual protagonist? Hardly there.

Frieza coming back to end the arc feels cathartic on top of hilarious as a result. It's a spit to the face to the whole of it. And it's not horrendous as the Future Trunks Arc's ending thanks to at least having promises for the upcoming stories and ultimately being more interesting too.

o(-(

I don't know. This especially sucks because we were going so hard on something amazing like always but DBS just has a mystifying way to fuck things up for literally no reason. But you've heard me ramble enough. I still enjoy the series for that alone: I can't stop peeking no matter if it's a trainwreck with thousand dead. It's easy to pick apart the pieces.

Thank you for reading this if you did. I really appreciate it.

Take care! <3

[winns-stuff]

WEBTOON RANT:

Okay I’ve finally got some time, had to take a mini break since everything is starting back up for me. But thanks to recent rants sent to me, I believe either the first or second rant sent actually (thank you so much for reminding me, I would’ve forgotten all about this otherwise), I can finally speak about how the comment section in romance genres especially although sadly it seems to be in any genre with a love interest or “shipping” material involved in it are ridiculously misogynistic and quite disturbing to interact with and read about.

Now before getting into this I wanna make it clear that I’m only speaking about the behavior that a lot of people on the app display and I’ll only be saying things pertaining to that. This is in no way trying to bash or turn people against webtoon users, I’m a webtoon user so that’s extremely hypocritical, this is really just to voice my opinion on something I’ve seen literally over the years. Is shipping fun and interesting? Yes, I’m not saying that these people should never ship two characters again I’m just going to be talking about the way people tend to react when there’s someone “ threatening” the ship.

Anyways, let me start off by saying this. I used to be an extreme shipper, I quite literally used to ship characters who stood beside each other with little to no chemistry at all. I didn’t even think about the logistics of actual shipping I just found two random characters and pronounced them lovers, it was terrible. That being said I understand first hand how it feels to want so badly to see your ship “sail” and for the two characters you adore so much to find that spark within each other, there’s no shame in wanting two characters to be together of course but there’s a boundary that I never crossed and you should cross as well.

That boundary being that you shouldn’t harass anyone involved with the product you’re viewing. Obviously this isn’t just a webtoon problem it’s a media problem, I’ve seen tons of hate messages and death threats go out to people who either voice acted the characters, created the characters, involved with the characters, or the company that produced it. It should never get so serious that you’re willing to threaten someone’s life over a few fucking pixels, that’s absolutely unacceptable and it’s uncalled for. No matter what happens to your favorite character or ship never should there ever be a time where you are going out of your way to harass someone you don’t even know. You don’t know what they’re dealing with and you don’t know how hard anything is for them so instead of being an asshole and doing things like that take a deep breath, step away from the computer and go watch something happy instead of purging yourself into darkness over one chapter of your favorite love interest talking to someone else (a woman most likely).

This goes for people who do stuff like that in real life too. It’s normal to see two celebrities interacting with each other and thinking “oh they could make a good couple” or something of that nature, I’m not getting on you for thinking two people could possibly be a good couple. But it becomes a problem when you are actively trying to DM these people, stalk, harass, insult, and berate these HUMAN BEINGS into dating each other. This is not one of those kid websites where you can put two peoples names on a wheel and see how compatible they are this is real life and what you’re doing is harming and hurting real people. Please distance yourself away from them and let them live peacefully and maybe even put some thought into deconstructing the obvious par-asocial relationship you’ve created with them, get to the root of it, and be better.

Now that I’ve gotten that out of the way I can move onto the topic of Webtoon. Pretty sure you might’ve forgotten I was even talking about that since I brought along two other topics but this is the paragraph(s) to remind you of them. Now if you’re not new to Webtoon then you’ll understand exactly what I’m talking about when I say that a lot of the romance genres have a lot of misogynistic people down in the comments. Whether it be misogyny from within or from the opposite gender it’s very prevalent when it comes to stuff like this. It’s just gotten to a point where it’s incredibly uncomfortable to even open or scroll down to the comments because whenever there’s another female character introduced to the story everyone loses their shit in very disturbing ways. It’s tiring to see fans wish death on yet another female character or insult her using disgusting language that you would most likely find in misogynistic men, it’s come to a point where it seems like you can’t even say another woman’s name in your own comic without everyone grabbing their pitchforks and forming a mob.

Listen again, I understand the passion behind the ships. I’m not invested in ships as much as I used to be because I grew out of them but this whole bias against women in favor of male characters are very disheartening. All women should be able to be respected and not treated or called words like “bitches” or “sluts” or “whores”, etc. It’s demeaning to hear and very unnecessary, besides there’s probably plenty people who love the very characters you speak so badly about. Just like how you want your ship to last they want their characters to have a proper story without being shamed before they could even do something wrong and just like how you get defensive over your ships other people get defensive about their favorite characters as well. Treat people how you’d like to be treated because I’m sure you would be hurt if other people treated you like you treat everyone else.

Last thing but also stop bashing people for liking those characters as well. I don’t see a reason why the fandoms have to attack people who enjoy the other women in the comics. Just like how you may relate or like how the main character is written someone else could enjoy how the other female character is written. It’s all a matter of being mindful and having the maturity not to hunt someone down over something like a ship, I understand the frustration but it should never go beyond that and turn into absolute hatred.