#I scheduled my psychiatrist appointment today at least | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

copperbadge · 11 months

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Sam, how did you find your therapist and build such a good working relationship? Every attempt I’ve made at therapy seems to fizzle out after a few months… and no therapist has ever understood the RSD aspect of my ADHD, which makes it all feel a little worse every time I try.

I mean, I think really we're still building it -- I haven't had her more than a couple of months and functionally it's been an every-two-weeks situation most of the time because we keep having to move/cancel. I don't know that I can really speak intelligently to building a relationship with a therapist because this is the first time I've ever done it where I was an adult and in control. As for finding one...

Chicago has a group called Clarity Clinic, which is like a WeWork for mental health professionals -- they offer scheduling, billing, and IT/office space to local people who I think are mostly independent operators otherwise. They have a directory that is highly filterable, so I found my psychiatrist there by filtering to stuff like Adult ADHD and medication management. He's great, but he didn't want to be my therapist and I didn't want him to. When I decided on therapy, I asked him if he knew anyone he could recommend, since he knew what my deal was in terms of personality, behavior, etc.

So he gave me a couple of names of fellow Clarity Clinic folks and I had a look on the website and chose the one that sounded like she'd get on best with me. I think I struck it lucky to be honest -- she's young (compared to me) and has ADHD, and she's very familiar with disability discourse, spoon theory, etc, even fandom to an extent. If I were to go looking today I might look more at therapists who specialize in twice-exceptional individuals, but she's good enough with what I'm aiming at that I don't want to change.

So the best advice I have is if you're being treated for other stuff by someone you trust I'd ask them, but also look for someone experienced with adult ADHD, and I'd look for someone on the younger side who's more likely to be understanding of neurodivergent needs. (I also recommend filtering to queer-friendly therapists if you can; I didn't necessarily need that but it means they're likely to be generally accepting and probably have more liberal politics. With the caveat that in shady places like BetterHealth, "LGBTQIA" counselors are sometimes homophobic creeps with an axe to grind.)

Building the relationship has taken proactivity on my part -- ensuring that I always have an appointment on the books (we book out about six weeks in advance now, because we know one of us will likely need to cancel/rebook at times), making sure that I have either an aim for treatment or at least something to talk about, etc. I think in your case probably having a list of things you want to deal with, so that you can check some boxes up top, might help.

I would definitely open with "I have ADHD and I need help with [aspects of that]; I also have RSD and I need to work with someone who respects that diagnosis and understands how to help with it." I went into mine saying "I have ADHD and I'm also struggling with some really big emotion, so I'm looking for help with those, but also like...I'm not really sure what therapy can offer. I've had some bad experiences in the past but they were all when I was a child, so I'm trying to explore some options." Her reaction was a combination of sympathy and a discussion of the kinds of things we might work on, which helped a great deal.

But yeah, I think it starts with establishing right from the jump what you want and need, and then spending time making sure that you both stay on top of that until you find a rhythm. We're still finding our rhythm, but it's getting easier as I'm learning to be clearer about what I want and more comfortable with being a participant instead of someone therapy just happens to.

#therapy #sam has adhd

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robinruns · 7 months

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🥴 I think we set a new record fellas. I have already reached the out of pocket that I will pay for the year for my insurance. My deductible isn't met yet, but my company pays the difference between our like old deductible and the new higher deductible that we had to take because SOME PEOPLE (me) were driving up the rates on the insurance by using so damn much of it!

(To be fair it probably wasn't all me with my therapy and chiropractor visits, but I mean, I didn't help any lol)

So now I'm thinking about scheduling my annual physical and then maybe asking for a consult with an ob/gyn on whatever they need to 1. Get my IUD out because it pulled the ladder up behind it 🙃 and B. Just take out everything down yonder. I don't want it. I don't need it. Someone else can have all of it, I don't care! I really don't wanna have any risks or concerns if things go sideways and we're suddenly in my least favorite book of all time. I'd potentially have to schedule all this around a procedure my mom will likely need as well. I'd probably try to aim for post-race season, but who knows. I should probably get my biannual derm appointment to get my skin checked out as well.

Today I had a facial and she did a bunch of extractions on my forehead, which made me feel like I needed to sneeze. Next week I have my optometrist and dentist appointments too, so I'm just gonna be getting all worked over. Oh and my therapist, who might be going on maternity leave any second now wants me to move up my psychiatrist appointment because I need to be reassessed for the good ol ADHDs.

Why is human maintenance so difficult? Why is it that I try to take care of myself and I just spiral into needing 10000 things fixed, whereas Kyle like hasn't been to the doctor in ages, has never been to an optometrist, chiropractor, or therapist, only recently started going to the dentist regularly, doesn't diet, doesn't work out, loses weight just by thinking about it like ?!?!?! His only problem is like an annual kidney stone.

Sigh. At least I don't have kidney stones (knock on wood)

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canary0 · 1 year

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May 24 - Dracula 2023

Content Warning: mental health treatment, mental hospitals, schizophrenia

Dr. Seward's notes - recorded via phone audio

Reduced appetite, sleep disruptions, and loss of interest in things that I enjoyed before. As a clinician, I know I really shouldn’t try to apply diagnoses to myself – we all observe ourselves with our own self-perception and internal narrative. Still, I can’t think to call this anything but depression over my rejection earlier. Not unusual, so I already know the best distraction for me is work until it passes. Fortunately, my appointment schedule is usually very full – finding enough qualified psychiatrists for the hospital has been a challenge. Probably not a good time to dwell on that.

I have a particular interest in one of my patients with whom I had an appointment today. His situation is unusual, so I’m doing my best to understand him as well as I can. His form of delusion is fairly uncommon, more well documented in the past than now.

I’m realizing that I may have been too intense about it – more interested in putting together a case study that helping him reach a point of being able to live a normal life. Normally I focus on the latter, and I’d avoid keeping them in a steady state like the mouth of hell itself. Omnia Romæ venalia sunt - “Hell has its price,” after all.

But with him having gone untreated as long as he has, it’s also very important to understand how exactly his delusion works and what his specific situation is to develop a medication and treatment plan. So, let me take down what I know at the current time (with permission):

R. M. Renfield, age 59. He’s very outgoing and active, generally with a positive, or at least excitable mindset. He’s very strong, inclined to physical activity. He’s prone to unpredictable periods of depression which tend to end in getting a very fixed idea about something. He takes particularly to causes, it seems like, and is difficult to deter once he decides one is indeed a cause. He went untreated and was cared for privately since his 20s before he was brought in after injuring the pet of someone he knew. He hasn’t had any visitors since he arrived. Lack of connections may make his treatment more difficult. His only serious physical issue at the moment is high blood pressure, which is common for men of his age, so we’re at least going to get him started on amlodipine while we figure out the rest. I’ll speak with the psychopharmacologist, but his age makes me a little concerned about using antipsychotics. We may start one at a low dose and see how he responds. As far as therapy goes, observation hasn’t revealed much in terms of stronger or weaker moments in his delusions, so we may end up having to work within that framework to improve quality of life for now.

Quincey Morris to Arthur Holmwood

Via SMS

Quincey: We’ve told stories by the fire, dressed each other’s wounds, and made toasts on the shores of Titicaca. I think it’s time for more of the former and latter, don’t you think? My campfire has a spot for you, and I happen to know a certain lady is busy with a dinner party tomorrow night, so she’ll be otherwise occupied.

Arthur: Naturally. Count me in every time. Is anyone else coming?

Quincey: Our friend from that time in Korea, Jack Seward. It’s time to drown our sorrows as we toast to the good fortune of the happiest man in the world.

Arthur: You’re not wrong about that.

Quincey: Of course I’m not! And you’ve earned it, along with the best heard in the world.

Arthur: I’ll be sure to be there. Besides, I have some news you’ll both want to here.

Quincey: Excellent! See you then.

(A/N: Although in the book Renfield was observed with schizophrenia from a normal age of onset, I suspect he must have avoided treatment for quite a while under modern care to be in his current state. I’m always hesitant to address severe mental health difficulties in my fiction, because I don’t want to give the impression that I think some ableist shit.

I’m going to be open here to that end and state that any depiction here is going to be informed by my own experience with depression with psychosis and having gone with it largely untreated for a long time. It no longer presents those symptoms for me, thankfully, but I’m empathetic to the experience of having them.

So while Renfield and his treatment is certainly a potentially spicy subject, I’m gonna do my best to present it and his treatment in the best way I can. Seward wasn’t depicted as incompetent for his time (as bad as the methods of his time were), so his modern treatment methods shouldn’t be incompetent. I consulted with a mental health professional about this entry so... hopefully it's okay.

Thank god for Quincey and Arthur also talking today. @_@)

#dracula daily #jack seward #schizophrenia #cw: mental illness #cw: mental health #renfield #dracula 2023 #fanfic #modern retelling #cw: medication

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fitgothgirl · 1 year

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⬆️ Lovely sunset walk the other day, and the venue of a wedding I went to this past weekend

⬆️ My outfit for said wedding, and more pretty walk views. Not my favorite pic of me but didn’t get a better full body one and I loved my shoes 🥰🕸️🖤 (purchased them a while ago, hadn’t had a chance to wear them yet). The dress and belt were also new!

Hiiieeee I’m still alive. Been enjoying some time away from social media again. Most times I get the compulsion to click on tumblr or Reddit or something, I just click Solitaire or Wordscapes instead. And times when I have clicked on social media have been fairly short sessions before I remember why I stay away.

Of course I do always miss tumblr peeps... 🖤 That’s always the biggest downside of these breaks.

Went to the gym the day before yesterday for yet another “kicking out the cobwebs” session. Last workout was 4/2, and before that my last one was 3/22, etc... Bit of a pattern haha. But I’m already planning to get back today! I don’t want to keep doing this once-every-1-to-3-weeks thing. It’s better than nothing of course but I want to be doing at least twice a week... Ideally 3 times a week, but I’ll take fewer days first while just getting some friggin consistency down.

Therapy is going well, I wish I could see her more than every other week but it’s okay as it is for now. I’m still trying to get my official ADHD diagnosis and am in the process of switching psychiatrists at the service I use. But in the meantime my therapist sent me a couple links to sites for ADHD assessment that she’s pretty sure the psychiatrist will refer me to anyway (therapist and psychiatrist are from the same telehealth service). I tried one and it let me know it’d be a 60-90 minute process that I’d do on my own and then someone would reach out to me to schedule an appointment for me to talk to a doctor. The very first thing of this assessment was a page that just said “In your own words, please tell us more about why you are here, and your long term goals” and it had a blank area for me to type with no character limit... I was like ohhhohohooo wow... Where to begin... They’re going to get an essay from me. But it also just triggered some major overwhelm-shutdown too. The irony of it is great. I’ll need to get in the zone to tackle this, but it did warn me it’d be up to 90 minutes; we’ll see if I even stay within that lol.

Otherwise with therapy, I’ve been good about doing my “homework.” I keep a little post-it on my desk’s hutch near my monitor so I see a bullet point list of the key things for me to remember until the next appointment. Those are my priorities and anything else is just bonus. Some things don’t get done but that’s to be expected - she says if I always did 100% in everything then she’d ask if I was really being honest lmao. But no self-deprecation or guilt allowed!

Weather has been beautiful and I’ve been spending time outside, either in the backyard or going for walks. One thing my therapist brought up with me when I was talking about wanting to get 10,000 steps a day since it’s so good for so many things, was that it’s a little unrealistic to expect myself to suddenly do something every single day when I’m hardly ever doing it to begin with. My Fitbit makes me want to hit daily goals but what other habit changes would I expect to suddenly do daily? Most of the time we try to do new things once or twice a week or whatever. Kind of was like an aha moment for me and helped lessen the guilt of how much I struggle to get that done. So now my daily step goal is 5,000, which is still a little more than I’d get just sitting around all day, so that’s a good goal. And for 10,000 steps, for now I’m aiming to hit that once a week. I’ve dedicated Tuesdays for that. And if I get it more days than that, then great! And I’ve actually gotten 10,000 steps on 5 out of the last 10 days... 😳 Plus another day of 9,000. Funny how that works lol.

We had a slender salamander in our backyard 😭 Look at him legs do steppies!!!! 🥺🥺 Also peep my bf helping take off the thing stuck to him lol. We’re in a moderately dense suburb-ish area so we don’t get much besides some birds and the usual stuff. Wonder where he came from and where he went…

I could probably keep going, but I’ll end this essay here for now lol.

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melanielocke · 2 years

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The Stars Collide - Chapter 18

I figured I might as well post the next chapter now that Alastember is over and I've had a little more time to continue writing the story. I like this one, but also found it difficult mainly because I find Matthew difficult to write, especially since he's doing a lot mentally better here and so much of how I know him in canon seems to be his mental illness/addiction. I've decided to write him as having borderline personality disorder here because I think there are signs in canon that he might have that. Alcoholism can be a sign of borderline too (high impulsivity). Alastair and Matthew do not really have the same past here as they have in canon, but when Alastair married Charles, they did not get along and Alastair did perceive Matthew as a threat due to his alcohol abuse. AO3 | Chapter list CW: Electroconvulsion therapy, discussions of borderline personality disorder

Alastair wasn’t so sure having an intake with his therapist and a first attempt at electroconvulsion therapy at the same day was such a good idea, but both had busy schedules and this was the only option he had. At least the ECT was after his appointment with his therapist, the psychiatrist who did the ECT had recommended he doesn’t do anything difficult after the treatment.

The therapist was a young woman called Mira. It was a little early to say if he liked her and if this was going to work, but she was nice at least. She mostly asked questions about his symptoms and what he hoped to achieve in therapy as today was to figure out what the problem was. He’d already filled in loads of questionnaires online before today, but Mira wanted to hear from him what he needed help with.

He'd known talking about the past, even in such a private setting, would be difficult, but hadn’t anticipated how much stress not knowing Mira well would add to that. In the end, he did tell her everything. Losing Charles, the grief he still felt. What it was like being married to him. How he could never find a moment’s peace, how he felt so empty inside.

He was not prepared for questions about his childhood either, but in the end he answered those honestly too. He forced his face into stone as he talked about what his father had been like. What he’d had to do, to keep the family together. That still affected him too, he guessed, it was just a little more buried underneath everything else. At the end of the appointment he felt completely overwhelmed from it.

‘I’ll be discussing what I’ve heard with our team before our next appointment, and then I will discuss with you our diagnosis and plan for treatment.’

‘Is there anything you can tell me about a diagnosis now?’ Alastair asked.

He knew another week was not that long a wait, but Alastair was desperate to know what was wrong with him.

‘I’d rather not give you any confusing information and wait until I’ve discussed it with our team,’ Mira said. ‘I imagine you’ll have lots of questions then and I’ll prepare to answer them as best as I can. For the next appointment you could bring your husband if you like. He might have questions too, and I always find it important that the people close to you are involved.’

Alastair hesitated for a moment. He wasn’t sure how much he wanted Thomas to know. ‘I’ll think about it. My husband is kind, but it was an arranged marriage and we haven’t known each other for long yet.’

ECT was next on his schedule and since it was outside of the palace itself Thomas joined him along with a couple of guards. It made him a little uncomfortable, but after what happened during their swim Thomas didn’t want to take any risks. Alastair had asked Queen Charlotte if she knew anything about the strange man who’d showed up at his door, had even showed her the memory, but no one had recognized him or seen him again. The palace had increased its security and Alastair could only hope that was enough.

As Christopher said, he wasn’t awake during ECT and it was nowhere near as scary as Alastair had believed it was. Still, he felt exhausted and kind of sleepy after waking up from anesthesia, not to mention it seemed like he couldn’t access his memory at all. That was worrying.

‘Is it normal that I can’t do magic at all right now?’ Alastair asked the psychiatrist.

‘I’ve never used ECT before for this indication, but I’ve had patients with severe depression and magic and typically it blocks their magic on the day. It should return after a night of sleep.’

Alastair felt oddly bare without his memory, like his brain was in scrambles and he was just waiting for someone to come take advantage of his vulnerable state. Nothing out of the ordinary happened on their trip back to the palace. No attacks, nothing.

They walked back to Thomas’ rooms, and when Thomas reached at the door, fumbled with his key, he stopped for a moment.

‘What’s wrong?’ Alastair asked.

‘I think someone broke in.’

Thomas pushed the door open and looked inside. It had been unlocked, broken open. Alastair heard footsteps inside the living room.

‘I think someone’s still in there,’ Alastair whispered.

Thomas didn’t hesitate, he ran inside, prepared to fight if that was what it took. A regular burglar was annoying, but didn’t bother him so much. He didn’t think this was a regular burglar. Someone was after Alastair. He wasn’t sure if the burglar had expected Alastair to be home or was looking on more information about their life to use against them, but he knew he needed to protect Alastair. He hadn’t heard footsteps himself and was grateful for Alastair’s sensitive hearing.

He heard Alastair behind him, yelling at him to come back, but Thomas ignored him, choosing to continue instead. If he was fast enough, he might be able to surprise the burglar and subdue them and hopefully the guard would be able to get some information out of them about who was after Alastair.

He opened the doors to the bedroom, a mess but empty, then the bathroom, same, until he opened the door to the balcony. For a moment he looked into the eyes of a young man around his age. Brown hair, pale skin. Dressed in a black suit that resembled military, though it was not what soldiers of Fair wore. No one he recognized. Then the man jumped off the balcony.

Instead of falling to his death as Thomas had expected, a parachute opened and the wind carried the man to the sea before disappearing from view. Too late. He had no idea who that was and there was no way Thomas could go after him. This could not be an ordinary burglar, what kind of burglar wore a parachute to escape in case they got caught?

He returned to the entrance, where Alastair was still waiting. ‘I called the guards,’ he said. ‘Why would you do that? You could have died!’

‘I am a pretty good fighter,’ Thomas said. ‘He got away, but if I could have subdued him and then we’d know who’s after you.’

Alastair raised his voice. ‘And if he’d had a gun? You could have gotten shot.’

Somehow, Thomas liked the idea of Alastair being concerned about him. He had a point too, running in was reckless and Thomas had not considered he might have encountered someone with a weapon. He’d been so restless lately, and this was the result. This had been the first opportunity to do something to protect Alastair and he had taken it with both hands.

‘You’re right,’ Thomas said. ‘I’m sorry. But I did get a good look at him before he escaped. Once your memory works again, we can go over it.’

Alastair frowned. ‘How did he escape? There are no other exits.’

‘Turned out he was wearing a suit with a parachute in it. He jumped off the balcony.’

‘Can I take a look – never mind that isn’t working right now.’

‘Tomorrow,’ Thomas said.

Thomas explained what had happened to the guards and immediately a unit was sent to the sea to find the man. If he’d landed in the sea, he must have either swum back to shore somewhere or been picked up by a boat and perhaps there were still traces of him somewhere. Their rooms were also being investigated and Thomas had called in a favor with Matthew to stay in his rooms for the night instead. As Crown Prince, he had a lot more space and had a guestroom.

He could feel Alastair tense up the closer they got to Matthew’s living quarters and Thomas knew it wasn’t because of Matthew himself. This was where he used to live with Charles, and while the place had changed a lot, it might bring back bad memories.

‘Maybe this was a bad idea,’ Thomas said. ‘I have other friends we can ask to stay with.’

‘I’m fine,’ Alastair said stiffly. ‘Just had a long and exhausting day, that’s all.’

‘Okay. But it’s an option, just so you know.’

Matthew had changed much about the Crown Prince’ living quarters since moving in there. Alastair recognized the general layout, but not much else. The walls had been repainted, all the furniture was new. Charles would be rolling over in his grave if he ever saw this. He had a very different taste in interiors than his younger brother. The rooms were far more colorful, Charles had liked his interior in shades of gray.

‘I heard about what happened. Mom is livid, the guards are all searching and everything. She sent some extra guards to my quarters for tonight, so you should be safe here.’

‘Thank you for letting us stay,’ Alastair said stiffly.

‘Oh, no problem. I’ve been meaning to ask you for your help with something anyway.’

Alastair frowned. ‘What kind of thing?’

He imagined it had something to do with Matthew’s new Crown Prince duties. Alastair had always kept Charles’ schedule and knew pretty much what would be expected of Matthew right now.

‘Come, I’ll show you.’

Alastair followed Matthew into the room that used to be Charles’ private office. It was strange to be allowed in here, Charles had never liked it when he came into his office without his permission. The room was messy, but then it had also been when Charles had used it. Alastair had not cleaned it as often as the rest of their quarters.

Matthew started his computer and then showed him some pictures of different designs for clothes. All were very brightly colored and extravagant.

‘What do you think?’

Alastair frowned. ‘I thought you wanted to ask me about Crown Prince duties?’

Matthew waved his hand. ‘Of course not. Who cares? Now, this is important. These are my new designs. They’re going to be all the rage next season.’

‘They’re hideous,’ Alastair said.

‘Thanks! That’s exactly what I needed to know. If you hate them, they’re bound to be a success.’

Alastair rolled his eyes. ‘What’s wrong with you?’

‘Borderline personality disorder, thanks for asking,’ Matthew said with a smile. ‘But I’m not letting that stop me from being an amazing designer.’

Alastair fell silent for a moment, his anger fading away. ‘And you’re comfortable… talking about that?’

‘I wasn’t always. But it makes me feel more normal making not too big of a deal of it,’ Matthew said. ‘Charles always told me not to speak of it, but I refuse to be ashamed. It’s not my fault I have borderline. I wanted to do a public interview about it sometime, but that’s going to be complicated now that I’m Crown Prince. I can only imagine the articles proclaiming that someone with borderline should never become King. It’s not like I ever wanted that anyway.’

‘I admit I don’t really know much about borderline,’ Alastair said. ‘What does it mean for you?’

Matthew and Alastair walked back to the living room. Thomas was in the kitchen making dinner.

‘Do you need any help?’ Alastair asked.

‘Just instructions on how to use the oven,’ Thomas said.

Matthew went to help Thomas and then came back to the living room, sitting down opposite of Alastair.

‘We were talking about borderline… It’s a personality disorder, which I found difficult to digest at first because it implies there’s something wrong with your personality,’ Matthew said. ‘Personality disorders almost always occur after childhood trauma or neglect. I view it more as a pattern of behavior you can get stuck in after not learning healthy coping in childhood.’

Alastair wondered what that meant for him. He’d just had an intake today and he had talked about his experiences with his father. He’d considered he might have PTSD with how he tended to fall back into memories, but he hadn’t thought about personality disorders at all.

‘In my case, I think being a prince is part of what went wrong,’ Matthew said. ‘It makes for an odd childhood even with the best parents. My mom was often too busy and while I’m close to my father he was caught up in work a lot too. I don’t blame either of them but I would have been a lot better off not being born in the royal family. It’s not so easy being in the spotlight all the time. Everyone had expectations of me, and while Charles was the perfect public image of a prince, I was never good enough, not smart enough…’

‘It must be difficult to be in the spotlight so much while you’re young,’ Alastair said. ‘On my home planet, I was considered a lower prince, too far removed from the Shah to be interesting. My mother didn’t have many royal responsibilities as a princess. I found it difficult to adjust to being in the news a lot after marrying Charles. Everyone kept writing about how unlikeable I am.’

‘Exactly. It sucks. The most obvious symptom of borderline to me is being very unstable in my emotions,’ Matthew said. ‘My mood goes pretty far into the extremes and changes quickly, and in response to minor things.’

Alastair frowned. ‘I thought those were symptoms of bipolar disorder.’

‘No,’ Matthew said. ‘My mother thought that too at first. With bipolar there are episodes of depression and episodes of mania, but no sudden changes in mood like I have. I’m also very impulsive. I spend way more money than I should.’

‘Don’t you have that kind of money?’

‘That doesn’t mean I should just spend it all whenever I feel like,’ Matthew said. ‘My mom threatened to cut me off several times. I’m not spending so much anymore. I also used to drink a lot.’

Alastair shuddered. ‘I remember that. How did you stop?’

‘I went to a detox clinic,’ Matthew said. ‘And then schema therapy for borderline, which was the root cause. I haven’t had any alcohol in four years.’

His father had never gone to a detox clinic. His mother had begged him for years, Alastair too, but he has refused. He’d kept denying there was a problem at all, and Alastair had concluded he just didn’t care. The concept of someone willingly going into treatment for an addiction was something he found difficult to process. He hadn’t known that was possible.

‘I’m glad you stopped.’

‘I can tell. I think the drinking was part of why you hated me so much,’ Matthew said.

‘I thought you were a danger to the people around you,’ Alastair said evenly.

‘I’m not anymore,’ Matthew said. ‘I’m doing a lot better nowadays. Schema therapy helped me figure out why I behaved the way I do, and where my emotions come from. The thing is, when your emotions are so extreme, you’ll do anything to feel good for a moment. Drinking dulled the emotion. Buying luxury materials made me feel better for a little while. And I had a lot of sex with lots of different people. Being wanted made me feel good about myself for a little while, but it all came crashing down every time someone did not want to stay.

The one thing that really helped for me, apart from the therapy, was designing. I used to believe my looks were my only positive trait, but I realized I could make something and was actually pretty good at it. I still struggle with critics, but so far my reviews have been overwhelmingly positive. Charles believed it was all very shameful and I shouldn’t talk about it. He probably said stuff like that to you too?’

Alastair stiffened. ‘Thomas didn’t tell you anything, right?’

‘He didn’t, but I know Charles,’ Matthew said. ‘I know he probably made you feel ashamed of whatever you felt that was inconvenient to him.’

Alastair looked away, he wasn’t sure he could have this conversation. He felt the emotions rising, and it took everything he had to keep it from showing.

‘How did you know there’s something wrong with me?’

He wanted to sound angry, but he couldn’t quite manage it.

‘The only thing that’s wrong with you is that you’re a bitch,’ Matthew said with smile. ‘I really don’t know anything about your mental health issues except that anyone who has been around Charles for that long is bound to have them.’

Alastair stared at Matthew for a moment. ‘You knew? You knew what he was?’

Matthew was silent for a long time, closed his eyes and took a deep breath in and out. ‘I knew how he used to treat me. I didn’t know what he’d done to you. We hated each other and it wasn’t like I came over a lot. Sure, I couldn’t picture anyone being happy with Charles, but that’s more because he’s my obnoxious and very uncharming older brother. But mom and dad were so sure you two were happy together. I didn’t question it. Maybe I should have, I don’t know.’

Alastair sighed, what could he have expected? He and Matthew weren’t close. He hadn’t been close to any of Charles’ relatives. Matthew hadn’t known, and neither had Henry and Charlotte. How could they have? Alastair would have died before letting any of them see the bruises.

‘Oh. No, I guess you couldn’t have known,’ Alastair said. ‘It’s just, you said you knew what he was like.’

‘He and I never got along, but I was his annoying and messy younger brother,’ Matthew said. ‘I thought that was normal for siblings. After you married Thomas, he brought up his suspicions to me. That was before he’d talked about it with you. You can’t blame him for that, it’s a difficult situation for him too.’

Alastair knew that was true. Thomas had suddenly been married to him and had to deal with all the issues he brought along. Nevertheless, it made him deeply uncomfortable to think Thomas had spoken about his marriage to Charles with Matthew of all people.

‘I know that,’ Alastair said, closing his eyes to try to blink away the tears.

‘Look, I’ve been through lots and lots of therapy and I’ve even been hospitalized. But in the end, it did make a difference and I’m doing a lot better. It might take some time for you too, but you’ll get there. You’re a lot smarter than me at least.’

Alastair didn’t really know what to say to that except nod weakly and disappear into the kitchen to find Thomas.

@alastaircarstairsdefenselawyer @life-through-the-eyes-of @styxdrawings @justanormaldemon @ipromiseiwillwrite @a-dream-dirty-and-bruised @amchara @all-for-the-fanfiction @imsoftforthomastair @ddepressedbookworm @queenlilith43 @wagner-fell @cant-think-of-anything @laylax13s @tessherongraystairs @boredfangirl16 @artist-in-soul @broodyhawthorne @ikissedsmithparker

#Alastair Carstairs #Thomas Lightwood #Matthew Fairchild #the last hours #tlh #the stars collide #fanfiction

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uncloseted · 1 year

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How do I ask my doctors office to refer me to a therapist? I looked online but there's only so many who come up with my insurance, would they be able to help me find one easier? What do I even tell them? Thanks so much.

I'm not sure your doctor's office is actually the best person to ask, at least if you're in the US. Doctor's offices can make referrals to psychiatrists, who are medical doctors, and if you're looking for a psychiatrist, you may need your doctor to do that in order for insurance to cover it. But they may or may not have knowledge of the therapists that are in the area or what insurances they take. If you want to try getting a referral through your doctor's office, call the office and just tell them that you'd like to speak with your primary care doctor about a referral. They'll be able to put you in touch with your doctor or walk you through the process of getting a referral. They don't necessarily need to know what the referral is for or what problems you're looking for help with.

My suggestion would be to use the Psychology Today or American Psychological Association's psychologist locator. These let you filter by the type of insurance you have, what problems you're looking for help with, and other preferences you might have like your therapist's gender, religion, sexuality, and languages that they speak. Each therapist has a profile where they have a photo of themselves, list their qualifications, talk about their approach to therapy, and give you an easy way to contact them. Reading these profiles can help you narrow down your options and find a therapist who you think you might "click" with. From there, I would cross-check the list of therapists you're interested in contacting with your insurance's list of therapists to make sure that they're actually in-network for you.

When you contact the therapist, you can say something like:

"Hello! I am interested in beginning therapy, and was wondering if you are currently accepting new patients. If so, I would like to schedule a consultation to see if we would be a good fit. I was referred to you through my insurance provider, [name]. I am looking for help with [a sentence about your problems]. Please let me know next steps. I can be contacted at [your email address and phone number]. Thank you!" The therapist's office will then contact you to schedule an initial consultation, usually a 15 minute phone call or Zoom, where you can get a feel for the therapist and figure out if they're right for you.

If the back-and-forth of scheduling a therapy session stresses you out, you can try ZocDoc, which shows you the appointments each therapist has available and lets you schedule them without talking to anyone. Not all therapists are on there, but it's a really handy tool for those who are. I personally use it for everything because I know I will forget to follow up otherwise.

The last thing I'll say is that you may need to try a few therapists before you find one that you like, and that's totally normal. Try not to get discouraged if you see a few that you don't connect with. The most important thing in therapy is the relationship that you have with your therapist, so it's worth it to shop around a little bit to find one you really like and trust.

#therapy #psychologist #therapist #mental health #mental illness #advice

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kart0 · 2 years

Text

meds update: day ???

yikes so turns out my lazyness was actually depression ? lmfao

sorry for not updating, I fell into a very deep hole of misery and apathy

some days it was literal hell, and I wasn't able to do two projects for uni which made me feel even worse.

I think these meds haven't worked AT ALL in fact I think it definitely made me feel like shit, there was one day I cried from frustration cuz I felt like all the progress I've done went through the drain... today was a very bad day, I couldn't get up and get out of bed, I have barely eaten anything at all. but I was able to get ready and go to class, and take a test. so I'm a bit proud of myself. I did schedule a psychiatrist appointment on Friday, but cuz I procrastinated a lot I only have 3 pills left, and I'm supposed to take 2 a day. so... I will take 1 on Wednesday, 1 on Thursday and 1 on Friday, instead of not having any on Friday.

I think I will ask her to maybe switch pills and if we're able to, make me take the previous meds cuz they ar least did something yknow ? maybe it was just a time factor. I'll talk to her on Friday and I'll update you all.

just wanted to write that these meds were SHIT and they literally made me want to die, again. lol

I'm still alive tho !

until next post

#me #update #antidepressants

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thedivinefish · 25 days

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TGIWednesday: How ya holding up?

TGIWednesday News 📰

That was the question my brother's MD shrink 👨🏻‍⚕️ asked me in early 1993 after my brother had a 10-minute $185 medication adjustment consult visit. 💊 None of us knew that my brother would overdose 3 weeks later. 💔 I had to smile through the answer to his psychiatrist if only to be polite. Which reminds me to ask, "How are you doing? After my birthday, Mercury Retrograde and a full moon, it's been dicey to say the least. But it reminds me of a great Steve Winwood song lyric saying, "...you gotta roll with it baby." 🧻🎲🙃 Relationships can be challenging to say the least and every day in prayers I am finding my way through communications finding grace and ease, getting us out of any chaos or drama and asking Spirit 😇 for any and all positive guides, angels and whispers of guidance so that I can more efficiently contribute to others. When you live this way there is never a dull moment. Oh that reminds me, if your relationships are awesome between you and your partner, family, friends, relatives and co-workers I want to hear about it 😉 AND you won't need to join us for this Thursday's LIVE Zoom meeting all about relationships, of course for the rest of us, I will see you there! PS. Have a good laugh with this one... here's my sweet little "Mystic Fish" kitty campaigning in 2024! 😻

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~ BEING AT PEACE WITH RELATIONSHIPS ~ I believe, think, know and feel that I can be at peace with any and all relationships regardless of length of time or current status now. I am ready, willing and able to mend energetic relationship fences where I can and to let go of old grudges and resentments allowing peace to fill the holes. I know, when, where how and why to bury the ethereal relationship hatchet and to leave the past in the past, so that my future's so bright I've gotta wear shades. I am asking in all languages, and throughout all time lines and so it is know that making a little daily progress could cause the rest of your life to be the best of your life. ▶️ Watch here on YouTube - Please Like 👍 and Subscribe 🔔

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Our Clearing the 7 Well-Springs of Life monthly Zoom series has been outstanding! Did you miss one? Get the replays below. Call #1 - Body Clearings - Download replay Call #2 - Mind Clearings - Download replay Call #3 - Spiritual Clearings - Download replay Call # 4 - Relationship clearings (Register below) next up... Health, Money, Work/Job/Career/Purpose

TOMORROW AUGUST 29, 2024 4:00pm ET | 1:00pm PT | 10:00pm UK Registration fee = $22 30 minutes live | Includes replay access 👉 https://calendly.com/jmh-calls/7w-relationships

Call #4 Theme: Relationship Clearings: Past/Present/Future We're basically house plants requiring air and water just with more complicated feelings and relationships! Even if you consider yourself a loner type, human beings are all about relationships, family and we're part of the fishing tribe. Often relationships from our family and loved ones from our past haunt us and negatively affect our current ones, so it is vital to clear and recalibrate ourselves.

SUBMISSION INSTRUCTIONS: After registration, Submit your Top 3 words/statements in the format below by Wed. the 28th to [email protected] Be kind to our editors: please KEEP IT BRIEF :)

1) Clearing out past relationships ie: Release me from past relationships and their negative, lingering, traumatic effects that haunt me like:______ (poor treatment from mom or dad, siblings, teacher, authorities, friends - including abuse, mistreatment, injustice, betrayal, gaslighting, and narcissism)

2) Clearing out present relationships ie: Release me from the ill effects of ______ (a horrible/unfair boss, fair weather friends, a cheating spouse, children who are acting out, parents' disappointment, relationship burdens, addictions)

3) Clearing the energy of future relationships ie: Release me from the fear of/or help me create ___ (I'll never find great love, that I'll get hurt by love, future pain of losing loved ones/a child, create a greater relationship with money, with nature, create a space for humans to live in harmony and care for the planet and future generations.)

During this call #4, we'll clear relationships off all kinds ...and if your relationship with family, children, pets, work/job/career and your past are flawless, that is wonderful! Please write to me, I'd love to hear about that too. For the rest of us you'll want to join our gathering and let's co-create some profound changes together!

From the Fish Box 📧

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🎣 Our online shop is getting a makeover! Get a preview now as you look over the 40+ audio titles in our MyBeliefWorks Audio Collections. Find a topic that addresses your issue(s) We had a lot of help downloading & channeling these over the years & they keep getting better and we are ALWAYS working on the next one. Don’t forget… you can share these with your immediate friends and family. 🏆 Best Sellers

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AUGUST 28TH "Today I will ignore the obvious flakes and ask for a sign from spirit what to work on within myself so that I can have more faith in my own personal outcomes and triumphs I will stick with the tried, the true, the traditional, just for today and I will be guided to better outcomes."

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Your name will be added to a special VIP Prayer list where Jimmy will use his intelligent computer software, src4you which runs 24/7, to delete the negative and increase the strength of the positive creating a higher probability of favorable outcomes for you. Looking for a new job? Going through a court proceeding? Upcoming surgery scheduled for you or a loved one? Need help selling or buying a property? Troubled times in your relationship? These are just some of the life at the crossroads events that are ideal for My Daily Prayer program.

30 Days of Daily Prayer (single month) - $99/month This $99 service is for ONE SINGLE MONTH of 30 DAYS ONLY. 👉Click here After the 30 days, you will receive an email from Jimmy and have the opportunity to renew for an additional month plus update your list, but you are under no obligation.

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Visit our Online Training Center 🖥️ "Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach him how to fish and you feed him for a lifetime" - Lao Tzu

All are welcome to CREATE A FREE ACCOUNT to access the NEW and IMPROVED My Liquid Fish Change Made Simple Basic Training Course. Anchors Away Masterclass: Sustain and clear and sovereign energetic field of dark energies and anomalies. Life Force Energy Masterclass: Enhance your fishing practice by approaching from a deeper, numeric level. MLF Mastery & Advanced Practitioner Certification Courses

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Jimmy Mack Transformational Healing of Body, Mind & Spirit, People, Places, Pets & Situations! Appointments | FAQs View Availability First, Then Pay 15 mins | 30 mins | 60 min www.jimmymackhealing.com Free Resources: Learn MLF for FREE | Videos on YouTube | Radio Show Archives Advanced Training: Masterclasses | Mastery and Practitioner Certification Clearing Audio Downloads and eBooks http://www.jimmymackhealingshop.com ©1996-2024 All Rights Reserved.

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divinefishingtips · 25 days

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TGIWednesday: How ya holding up?

TGIWednesday News 📰

ON DECK 🚢 This Thursday August 29th - Join us for our Monthly Zoom all about Relationships! Limited seating, sign up here.!

Get on my schedule today and let's get you back on course! 🧭 🎣 View Calendar First, Then Pay and Schedule 15 mins | 30 mins | 60 mins | Appointments

TGIWednesday Video Download ▶️

Tomorrow's LIVE Zoom Event 💻

TOMORROW AUGUST 29, 2024 4:00pm ET | 1:00pm PT | 10:00pm UK Registration fee = $22 30 minutes live | Includes replay access 👉 https://calendly.com/jmh-calls/7w-relationships

SUBMISSION INSTRUCTIONS: After registration, Submit your Top 3 words/statements in the format below by Wed. the 28th to [email protected] Be kind to our editors: please KEEP IT BRIEF :)

From the Fish Box 📧

The Fish Market 🎧⬇️

💸 The Prosperity Collection 🧘 The Body, Mind and Spirit Collection 🙂 The Improve Your Life Collection 💻 Access 50+ Videos in the Zoom Replay Collection

Shop Here Now

Fish Food 😇📣

The Daily Bread To Feed The Fish

Tell the Fish - 365 Daily Inspirations and Affirmations - by Jimmy Mack Own this e-book so that you can read inspiration every day!

FREE Live Appearances 🎙️

Watch and listen to hundreds of Radio Show replays for FREE here in the archives from the Jimmy Mack Healing Radio show.

https://thejimmymackhealingshow.com/

**Can't See The Full Email? Click Here to View Online**

Receive 24/7 Prayers from Jimmy🙏

You can add yourself and those living in your immediate household and yes you can include pets! Merely include everyone’s names and Jimmy will add them to his daily prayers.

👉 PayPal for subscription Click here

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*Anytime prior to your next scheduled payment within the 30 days, you can cancel or pause this service via email request.

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Could you use a private session? Are you feeling extra-crispy? If so, you can now Book Appointments... View Availability First, Then Pay 15 mins | 30 mins | 60 mins

Visit our Online Training Center 🖥️ "Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach him how to fish and you feed him for a lifetime" - Lao Tzu

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365dailyaffirmations · 25 days

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TGIWednesday: How ya holding up?

TGIWednesday News 📰

ON DECK 🚢 This Thursday August 29th - Join us for our Monthly Zoom all about Relationships! Limited seating, sign up here.!

Get on my schedule today and let's get you back on course! 🧭 🎣 View Calendar First, Then Pay and Schedule 15 mins | 30 mins | 60 mins | Appointments

TGIWednesday Video Download ▶️

Tomorrow's LIVE Zoom Event 💻

TOMORROW AUGUST 29, 2024 4:00pm ET | 1:00pm PT | 10:00pm UK Registration fee = $22 30 minutes live | Includes replay access 👉 https://calendly.com/jmh-calls/7w-relationships

SUBMISSION INSTRUCTIONS: After registration, Submit your Top 3 words/statements in the format below by Wed. the 28th to [email protected] Be kind to our editors: please KEEP IT BRIEF :)

From the Fish Box 📧

The Fish Market 🎧⬇️

💸 The Prosperity Collection 🧘 The Body, Mind and Spirit Collection 🙂 The Improve Your Life Collection 💻 Access 50+ Videos in the Zoom Replay Collection

Shop Here Now

Fish Food 😇📣

The Daily Bread To Feed The Fish

Tell the Fish - 365 Daily Inspirations and Affirmations - by Jimmy Mack Own this e-book so that you can read inspiration every day!

FREE Live Appearances 🎙️

Watch and listen to hundreds of Radio Show replays for FREE here in the archives from the Jimmy Mack Healing Radio show.

https://thejimmymackhealingshow.com/

**Can't See The Full Email? Click Here to View Online**

Receive 24/7 Prayers from Jimmy🙏

You can add yourself and those living in your immediate household and yes you can include pets! Merely include everyone’s names and Jimmy will add them to his daily prayers.

👉 PayPal for subscription Click here

👉 Use Stripe for subscription Click here.

*Anytime prior to your next scheduled payment within the 30 days, you can cancel or pause this service via email request.

---------------------------------

Could you use a private session? Are you feeling extra-crispy? If so, you can now Book Appointments... View Availability First, Then Pay 15 mins | 30 mins | 60 mins

Visit our Online Training Center 🖥️ "Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach him how to fish and you feed him for a lifetime" - Lao Tzu

Visit now, Click Here!

TGIFunny🤣

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advancedthetapractitioner · 25 days

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TGIWednesday: How ya holding up?

TGIWednesday News 📰

ON DECK 🚢 This Thursday August 29th - Join us for our Monthly Zoom all about Relationships! Limited seating, sign up here.!

Get on my schedule today and let's get you back on course! 🧭 🎣 View Calendar First, Then Pay and Schedule 15 mins | 30 mins | 60 mins | Appointments

TGIWednesday Video Download ▶️

Tomorrow's LIVE Zoom Event 💻

TOMORROW AUGUST 29, 2024 4:00pm ET | 1:00pm PT | 10:00pm UK Registration fee = $22 30 minutes live | Includes replay access 👉 https://calendly.com/jmh-calls/7w-relationships

SUBMISSION INSTRUCTIONS: After registration, Submit your Top 3 words/statements in the format below by Wed. the 28th to [email protected] Be kind to our editors: please KEEP IT BRIEF :)

From the Fish Box 📧

The Fish Market 🎧⬇️

💸 The Prosperity Collection 🧘 The Body, Mind and Spirit Collection 🙂 The Improve Your Life Collection 💻 Access 50+ Videos in the Zoom Replay Collection

Shop Here Now

Fish Food 😇📣

The Daily Bread To Feed The Fish

Tell the Fish - 365 Daily Inspirations and Affirmations - by Jimmy Mack Own this e-book so that you can read inspiration every day!

FREE Live Appearances 🎙️

Watch and listen to hundreds of Radio Show replays for FREE here in the archives from the Jimmy Mack Healing Radio show.

https://thejimmymackhealingshow.com/

**Can't See The Full Email? Click Here to View Online**

Receive 24/7 Prayers from Jimmy🙏

You can add yourself and those living in your immediate household and yes you can include pets! Merely include everyone’s names and Jimmy will add them to his daily prayers.

👉 PayPal for subscription Click here

👉 Use Stripe for subscription Click here.

*Anytime prior to your next scheduled payment within the 30 days, you can cancel or pause this service via email request.

---------------------------------

Could you use a private session? Are you feeling extra-crispy? If so, you can now Book Appointments... View Availability First, Then Pay 15 mins | 30 mins | 60 mins

Visit our Online Training Center 🖥️ "Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach him how to fish and you feed him for a lifetime" - Lao Tzu

Visit now, Click Here!

TGIFunny🤣

Forward

-------------------------------------------------- TGIW newsletter managed by: Sandy Bidinger Digital Marketing Specialist at SMBeConnected Solutions www.sandybidinger.com

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sunnisurrealism · 3 months

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Hi everyone I just want to give an update on my well-being. Today I realized I didn’t send in a consent form to BC Pharmacare and that’s why my coverage wasn’t working, but I called, they told me what to do, and I found the form. This is good because my psychiatrist said i their was an error. So now there shouldn’t be any issues with me obtaining Person With Disability Status and the following monthly stipend and health care benefits.

I am coming to boundless realizations and I am going through a rage mode. I am quite sure I have severe adhd but I have not been assessed. Every single day is an immense struggle of being organized. I have a billion thoughts that I cannot simply get out without feeling like I have to write a whole series of books. Thus, my state is endless restlessness. I feel like Paul, but I know I’m not alone in my destiny like he kinda is. Don’t worry I’ll delete this later. Im not genuinely pissed at anyone in particular, for that would be pointless. I understand that my secret fans know I am a kind person at heart. Quite deeply. Sometimes I need to vent. It’s just that, I can’t afford to not express myself in fear of upsetting my secret fan(s) you Timothée because they cannot help me. Once I have more money and not chronic financial insecurity I won’t be constantly so on edge. I wish my adhd didn’t get in the way so much, and I wish I could go on meds for it but I can’t cuz I’m bipolar. Please never expect anything from me except mail on our birthdays. I cannot stand the pressure and it greatly impedes on my ability to function, which make it no point. I’m not pissed at you Timmy at all you are literally a baby Angel boi. I’m sad MB stopped replying but I’m assuming it was to protect me against my own manic uncontrollable thoughts and tendencies. I respect trust and understand. I’m mostly pissed I have no schedule in my life, which I will work on once I get back from my next trip to Victoria job I see the psychiatrist again. I’m pissed my life is neverending chasing appointments and the beaurocratic system of the government. I often wish I had my own personal assistant to help me because I am so so so overwhelmed I just end up ruminating my life away and failing to eat.

I know the real core of my issue, which is quite obviously, desperation for contact with My Dearest Love Felix. I constantly feel like I’m drowning in an ocean of jaded confusion without him. I’m annoyed when he doesn’t show up in my dreams when I’ve tried. I’m so god damn annoyed that I don’t know the real him and contextually speaking what his sexuality is like. I don’t know if there is hurt feelings or guilt but from that Coldplay song I assumed there was. I am really sorry, but also know I haven’t done anything wrong. it’s painful beyond comprehension in my little brain not knowing what in him is happening. I know though that he conceptually understand that he needs to be my rock, even from afar. Because my disillusionment levels are higher due to not knowing him and im not PR trained to become famous. This sounds so savage but I really really really need him to be stronger than me. At least in this way this story is gender normy. I definitely have a savior complex with him, although during May I saw myself as his Angel savior because he had been waiting so long. Sometimes Chani comforts Paul and Paul Chani. 🧜🏻‍♂️

The more that my secret fans help to accelerate collective transcendence in the name of social surrealist level global compassion IMMEDIATELY STARTING NOW. I don’t think all of us are taking this seriously enough… The more they lift the burden off me in the future. I know this sounds self-centered, but I am fully committed to the biggest dream theoretically possible on earth which if overcoming all systems of oppression. Not only because of the potential rewards, but also because it is what my heart genuinely wants to do when I become famous. Lots of hella people already align with this dream for humanity, I would say everyone actually. But we have to take it so so so much further if we are to address the climate change and i sustainability problem. And it also is the secret key to the mating crisis because emotional intelligence characteristics are evolutionarily advantageous 🌺this path of humanity expanding empathy is extremely obvious, it has always has been and forever will be. Those who don’t align just have broken hearts, which is another reason for the acceleration of compassion. The way thru is not going to change. It’s just the story of humanity.

I do not understand what is happening in the empathetic telepathy / quantum entanglement thing, but it was never going to always be good. At least it’s interesting 🍿

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auroras-void · 6 months

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Hmnn if you ever feel bad about not sleeping well, and you've really tried hard but nothing sticks. My personal story is I've had terrible insomnia starting in like middle school at least all the way until I was 19. I had internalized so much about how it was my own fault. I knew I was guilty of "revenge insomnia" and several other bullshit reasons. And I was told all the standard interventions and I tried them again and again, and I could tell it wasn't making much difference, but I also had and still do have horrendous executive dysfunction. So it felt inconclusive because I could never stick to it for more than like a week. And so I blamed myself for it, I told myself I was a failure.

Then one year I had a stretch of time where I had no responsibilities to anyone or anything, I was kinda miserable about it, and it wasn't helping anything. But I just stopped giving a shit about day and night. And I found that after a while it always seemed to stabilize at around 4 or 5 am when I would always feel sleepy. So I just went to bed at 5 am. And I suddenly felt more well rested than ever before. My sleep felt consistent. I didn't have the grogginess, honestly if I had tried to force myself to conform to the standard 9-5 schedule then it would have destroyed me. The only thing wrong was that, I was a little, out of sync with the rest of the world. Or, to me really, the world was out of sync with me. And I was mad about it, because I knew I couldn't fix it.

Then I got some medication, almost begrudgingly prescribed to me from my psychiatrist. Primarily for the anxiety but it had the side effect of causing drowsiness. First one was hydroxyzine and it helped a lot I could actually get myself to sleep when I wanted to. It hurt the quality of my sleep by a lot if I actually took a dose strong enough to be effective, and I could power through it if I didn't. Second one though, 2.5 mg mirtazipine, actually still the same dose I take right now, that one took, and it was pretty gradual, it took a while for my body to adjust to it properly. But today, I notice, taking that on time is the only reliable method to actually get to bed on time. I still stay up late sometimes, but it's always because I got distracted from taking my meds, not from going to bed. If I take my meds, the latest I go to sleep is 1 hour immediately after that. If I'm really determined, I can still keep myself awake, but my brain starts to slow down, it actually makes me feel like it's 5 am.

And suddenly I understand why normal people tell me I'm doing it wrong. If this is what it's like for them then yeah, it seems crazy and disruptive to do insomnia.

But it's not for me. I'm just being punished for having a different brain.

And now I've just kinda, naturally fallen into a mostly healthy sleep schedule without really trying too hard or thinking about it, and, life moves on.

Cause the other thing is this has only fixed exactly 1 (one) of my problems.

I do not feel better. I do not feel happier. I do not have more motivation. I do not have more focus. My ADHD my depression my anxiety, they're all still wreaking havoc on my life, completely independently of this.

I just feel slightly less tired.

That's it.

It does make fighting the rest a little easier I *guess*. But I'm not cured. I'm not suddenly normal. I don't just need another 3 hour lecture about shit I already know. I know how to take care of myself. I just *can't*. I'm just, out of sync with the world. And I lack the autonomy and power to bring it to me. So I need a hammer to strike myself with to bend into shape. How I don't know. No one wants to give me a hammer without lots of back and forth energy I simply don't have. So I just wait. In Limbo, a little longer. Waiting for the next appointment. Praying my memory of it doesn't get corrupted by the constant shower of cosmic rays bouncing around inside my head.

It's been two decades, and my life still hasn't felt like it's begun.

#post #personal #adhd #delayed sleep phase disorder #insomnia

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