#I say to convince myself not to lol
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you are complaining about complaining too much while complaining about the fact that maybe people dont like you because you complain too much while complaining about being alone. just stop complaining and do something about it. talk to people. reach out. dont just wait for someone to come to you first.
i have tried reaching out to different people in the past year or so but it never works. i understand its my own fault for letting relationships decay because of my own insecurities and issues but that doesn't mean i can just will myself to think or believe different things about myself. it's a self fulfilling prophecy ; i think people don't like me so i don't reach out so people don't like me etc . i am sure you do not want to hear me list all the things i want to say in response so i will put them in the tags.
#every time i try to reach out or talk to someone it goes nowhere. i dont have any social skills anymore and have no clue how to keep a#conversation going. half the time even when i do people stop replying to me. which is fine theydont owe me a reply but still feels likeshit#when i tried to make one new irl friend it just didn't work because they have better options for friends. we spoke occasionally but never#messaged online like ever and would only talk when we happened to be in the same place. i tried multiple times to organize a time to hangou#none of which came to pass. i dont understand why this one didn't work because i thought this person was interested in being my friend but#i guess i was wrong or thought they were more interested than they really were.#i have a problem with reaching out anyway which has been a problem i have had since i was like 11. reaching out to people first doesnt come#easily to me - in the beginning when i was a lot younger i didn't want to bother people with my presence & thought if i were to come to#someone first they would feel pressured into talking to me when they didn't want to. this is stupid of course. but has still not left me as#something i feel is very core to the way i act today. waiting for someone to come to me first feels like my only option because i do not#know how to reach out effectively (my evidence being i have failed every time i have tried) & i am convinced people dont like me in the#first place and do not want me to approach them.#i dont really even know who to reach out to in the first place. my world is extremely narrow. the number of people i know has shrunk#significantly and my standing in their eyes collectively has also shrunk significantly in the past few years. i feel like every person i#was once friends with wants nothing to do with me. i feel as if i have burned every bridge possible.#when it comes to the fact i complain all the time . which i know of course is annoying. its because i cant find any kind of joy in anything#i do or see or whatever. nothing makes me happy - i only see things to complain about. all stimulus seems grating and the world seems#specifically catered to make me miserable. all i can really do is complain. i treat this blog like a stream of consciousness and when most#of that consciousness is occupied with how much i hate being alive the blog will mostly be complaining. its a vicious cycle lol .#anyway . i guess the key theme is low self esteem begets low self esteem in many ways. mental illness begets mental illness.#i am not really saying this to anyone least of all to you anon. i just felt compelled to recount i guess for myself the reasons that came#to mind for why i am like this. i am talking to myself here
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FUUUCK. I'm lonely and I want to be wanted and I want to want someone and I'm tired of wanting things that aren't going to happen for me 🗣️
#and once again a disclaimer that I do not blame other people for this#because lol that one time I got called an incel for saying I was lonely#like#blink blink#I literally do not hate people for not wanting me#that is their prerogative#and society is not convincing people to not want me#I'm just like low-key#not a good pick ✌️#I'm nervous and easy to fright#and I'm scared of being alive#so#☝️ I'm just going to die alone#because that's less scary#I'm tired of pretending I like myself#it's exhausting#I'm exhausting#and I wouldn't wish myself on anyone
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horizon forbidden west | aloy 68/?
#horizon forbidden west#hfw#aloy#mark of pride#tried some different editing here#totally opposite my natural inclinations#my instinct says GO BRIGHTER MORE COLORS MORE CONTRAST#and then I have to try to convince myself to make it darker and reduce some contrast#a true struggle#(at a second glance it's still more contrast-y than i thought lol)#but this shot really benefits from it#(i hope)#hfw aloy#hfw zenith base#hfw out of bounds
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#feeling really lonely lately and idk why#i mean i guess this is what 5 years of complete isolation do to ya lol#but yeah... sometimes it hits me that i don't really have friends (my fault obvs) and i just sit here with no idea how to change that lol#cause i have the curse of being ok while i'm alone and feeling incredibly anxious when i'm with people#so i convince myself that i'm better alone#and i am for the most part#but then 5 years since the last time i met someone that wasn't my mom or my brother go by and i go ''hmm... i don't think this is healthy''#and i spiral into a pit of dispair#like i can't believe that my highschool years when i was an absolute emo ''i hate everybody and everybody hates me'' kind of dude#were healthier than now#because i had online friends whom i talked to for hours about just random shit#and i met incredible people in uni but i haven't talked to them in literally i'm gonna say 5 years?#and the fact that they live 3hs away doesn't help but still#and i fully know I'M the problem#cause i isolate myself and i don't text and i don't hang out when they arrange hang outs#(again being 3hs away. relying on public transport and not feeling comfortable going out at night don't help..)#but also i put waaaayyyy too much pressure on this so that doesn't help at all#and i'm waaaay to awkward and self depricating to even attempt to have a meaningful friendship with anyone...#so i'm left here (by my own actions) alone and sad lol#i might be getting my period btw so maybe that's why i want to die today#but yeah... it's been in my head for a while now and i wanted to get it out so i can move the fuck on#if only i could be a normal person... sigh#angel talks#personal
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yes it's just me whining about the same thing for the billionth time, pls just scroll past nothing new to see here 👋
#i just want to enjoy the summer but i feel like i don't deserve to if i'm not constantly trying to become employed again 😭#''apply for jobs then? problem solved'' uh-huh yes but!! i also hate applying for jobs#job seeking can be so incredibly humiliating#first i have to send them a letter BEGGING to be invited to an interview#and then i have to try and convince them that i am actually competent and good at my job even though you have my cv right there#and then afterwards they call me to tell me they found someone who they liked better than me#(or rather someone who was more competent than me judging by their work history etc.)#it's like ''yes we are hiring but not YOU specifically lol''#like. at school if you take a test you get the grade you deserve based on how you did in the exam.#it's something you can actually directly affect yourself#but if someone who's applying for the same job with me has more work experience or whatever they will get hired over me no matter what i do#(at least that's how it usually works on my field)#in which case it doesn't matter if i do well in the interview or nah. bc the other person was always going to be picked for the job anyway#and yes one could say i can then be satisfied if i did my best but it's little consolation when i'm still unemployed!!#and so every time i apply for a job and get rejected it feels like a personal failure#and to avoid that feeling of failure i want to avoid applying for jobs altogether#so yeah. being active in job seeking is more likely to relieve me from this misery but job seeking is ALSO misery. so 🤷♀️#that on top of the fact i don't even _want_ to apply for all the open positions on my field#but i feel obliged to because it's what i have a degree on. and when i'm unemployed i don't have the luxury to choose which ones i apply fo#i can't afford to be picky#I DON'T DREAM OF LABOUR I JUST NEED MONEY TO LIVE BUT I ALSO DON'T WANT TO DO JUST ANY JOB! I AM NOT STRONG ENOUGH FOR THAT!#i don't want to come home crying from work every day because i hate every single aspect of my life INCLUDING my job 😭#when this semester i actually HAD a job i didn't mind waking up to every morning 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭#it's not fair it's not fair it's not fair#to conclude i don't deserve to enjoy myself in the summer because i'm not doing enough to fix my unemployement situation#(just like i don't deserve to feel sad about being lonely because i don't work hard enough to maintain deep friendships#but that's a crisis for another day! stay tuned ✌️)
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rewatching old all stars f trailers for fun and I did not realize till now that I have most of them memorized.
#guys when I say that I thought abt this movie constantly I mean it. It was all I ever thought abt.#it still is. Whenever there is a lull in my thoughts it’s just replaced with bunny thoughts.#The amount of anticipation I felt… it didnt feel real. I kinda convinced myself I was never gonna see it lol#Anyway happy 2am sigh.
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In other news, I'm officially a week weedless and feeling quite good atm! I need to stop the otc sleeping pills tho as they're making me feel sluggish as hell and if that means a sleepless night or two than so be it
#this is me trying to convince myself that i'm ok with the insomnia btw#if i say it enough times maybe it will become true lol#thinking about this time of my life when i took up to 3 nytol extra strenght every. single. night.#how i managed to wake up and go throught the world without feeling like a litteral zombie is a mystery to me#and so is the fact that none of my organ suffered from it#youth really is quite something#wouldn't go back to this time of my life for anything tho!
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(i haven't read Whole Cake in a while, and i never really watched it, so bear with me)
I'd love to write a fic with Usopp on Whole Cake. it'd be sooo fucking long and i'd need to refresh myself on the entire arc, but god i'd probably be so satisfied when it's done. specifically for having brought a single moment in my head to life, but we'll get to that.
On Zou, he insists to be taken along on the Sanji rescue team and has worked himself up with a whole bunch of very good reasons as to why he should go there instead of helping in Wano, but of course Luffy just immediately accepts with a "yeah sure"
With Whole Cake, I think he'd be flipping between having fun as part of the idiot trio/quartet (Luffy, Chopper, Carrot), and being terrified with Nami. There wouldn't be that many differences in the arc as a whole, though; some things would be easier/better and some things would be worse- I don't necessarily think Usopp's presence would be overall an advantage or disadvantage, just different. Like, major events would stay mostly the same, but little details would change and maybe those little details would build to a far more drastic change-
for example, maybe one of Big Mom's kids considers themself a great sniper and wants a match with Usopp, or is motivated to work harder because Usopp is around and they want to take him out and boast about it. Maybe it means Sunny takes more damage than canon, or maybe Usopp's help means less damage to Sunny. (idk if i'd really do smth like this, but it's just an example)
skjdhf fuck i'm really not equipped to try and figure this out when i don't remember shit from Whole Cake aaaa
I do know that, despite his penchant for talking and rambling, I'd probably have Usopp be dead silent after his initial shock when Sanji fights Luffy. Everything about that is the same, except Usopp is just watching Sanji the whole time- not panicking, not moving, and not speaking. He doesn't say a word the entire time, doesn't even make a sound, and that, along with Luffy's words and Nami's begging, stick with Sanji.
(Usopp is thinking of his own fight with Luffy in Water 7, he's partially wondering if this was what it was like- if it was this painful to watch from the sidelines- and partially knowing he doesn't have to say a word, because he knew, like he knew back then, that it didn't matter what was said. It wasn't quite the same, but he could tell in the way Sanji moved, in the way he spoke and held himself, that he was putting on a front, trying to be brave in all the wrong ways. Usopp didn't say a word to Sanji because there was nothing he could say that Sanji himself didn't already know. Should've known. And his quiet, direct stare, was more than enough.)
the singular moment i really wanna write, is a scene where Sanji is apologizing for dragging them into his mess- either during the big meeting in Bege's castle or some other time- and Usopp's like "I'll do what you can't, you do what I can't, right?" and Sanji pauses, a little confused, until he remembers Enies Lobby and a stupid mask and cape and-
and tears are gathering in his eyes now, fuck, but he laughs a little. It sounds wet and his face is itchy and they're surrounded by tentative allies, but he- he laughs again and he says, "Fuck, you remembered that?"
Usopp shrugs, a little smile on his face. "They were some wise words from a wise man."
Sanji laughs a third time. "You think I'm wise?"
And they banter a little more before Bege tells them to quit it since they're on a time constraint or something. Quietly, Usopp will ask, "It-it helps. On bad days. And I figured, 'what's a worse day than this?' Ah, not that you getting married would ever be bad per se-"
"Usopp," Sanji says, looking more relaxed and settled. He smiles fondly and grabs his friend in a one armed hug, crushing him to his side. "Thanks."
And yeah, don't remember much beyond that, except the whole "hiding and then busting out of the cake" bit, which would mean Usopp in a cute little tuxedo or smth- maybe with a fedora aaaaaa <- loves fedoras- helping out with the fighting and eventually sailing with everyone to Wano.
He would be so distressed about fixing up Sunny now that the whole thing with Whole Cake is over. Maybe there'd be a gag about him promising Franky to take good care of Sunny while they were gone and being confident, after being Franky's tinkering partner and learning from him over time, that he could handle minor repair work much better than he did the first time around with Merry. And so when he finally takes in all the very-not-minor repairs he has to do, he's certain Franky is gonna strangle him for not keeping his promise. Probably also try to write in some nostalgic 'repairman Usopp' vibes from pre-Water 7.
Also something something, Sanji, wanting to do more for the crew bc he still feels guilty about Whole Cake, decides to take it upon himself to help Usopp not fall into a whole anxiety spiral about the ship. In turn, Usopp ends up helping Sanji not feel so guilty- usually by handing his own words back to him on a silver platter. And, yknow, having the two of them bonding and being buddies again like they so rarely get to be in canon nowadays qwq
#one piece#usopp#whole cake island#nemotime#that bit in bege's castle isn't exactly how it would go. just kinda. trying to get the vibe. also it's wayyy too short lol#the sanuso bit can be platonic or romantic. originally when i was gonna write out this idea a while ago i was thinking romantic with my#'they get engaged/married b4 dressrosa' au but tbh platonic works just as good#im- these guys man. i hate them so much (affectionate)#i'll get to rereading whole cake and finding a way to put him in there but for now. this.#if anyone's got other ideas im all ears#edit from like march 7: thinking about this again#maybe usopp being silent is an indicator for sanji that usopp's really fucking disappointed or shocked or w/e#but for usopp himself it's like being back in water 7. he doesn't even mean to be silent. he's got words built up on the tip of his tongue#but none of them come out. and despite sanji being Right There all he wants to do in that moment. is run.#at the very least he stays and watches the whole confrontation through. but afterwards he probably feels like shit#because he's the guy who's great with words right? he's the guy that can relate the most out of the group who went to WCI. he should be abl#to make a significant difference and help convince sanji to come home. but he feels like he failed. like he's going to lose another friend#and it's going to be all his fault. (again)#[not really. we all know merry wasn't his fault but we love old insecurities rearing their head in this house]#later he'd probably end up saying the words he wanted to say. and maybe it's better that way. that he ended up waiting#until luffy's had a proper shot at scolding sanji first. because then usopp can act as support and reinforcement. which. yknow.#a sniper's duty and all#anyway i got other shit to do so i'm cutting myself off here#wci usopp
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Lil rant from absorbing the absurd politics on tumblr, featuring Harry Potter discourse
People who are pro-Snape and anti-characters-who-say-anything-negative-about-Snape linger on how he was bullied and overlook (or at least minimise) how he was a Death Eater.
It overlooks the minutiae of being a Death Eater that we don't see - how suffered, yes, but he chose hate, chose to follow and directly support a bigoted terrorist, knowing the plan was to strip people of their rights; how he killed people, tortured people, for that end. Even if he came to regret it later, those are things he did.
I have seen some of these people also say that anybody who voted for Trump is evil. Anybody who didn't vote at all, or voted third party, is responsible for anything bad the government does in the next 4 years. It is your fault, they say, and I will never forgive you.
You can see the cognitive dissonance there, right?
#for reference I find Snape interesting as a character and do not think he is Good or Evil#that redemption is possible#i just also believe that people here are so prone to black and white thinking#and i know how easy it is to hate#but i think we could be more thoughtful in what we want to share and put out into the world#and is it helpful to say to somebody on the other side that they are evil?#what do you want to happen from that?#what do you expect to happen?#might delete later#if this turns out to be an unproductive thing to say lol#these things are complicated#and i haven't articulated this in the best way BUT i had to get the thoughts out to stop myself from doomscrolling#i ain't tagging this shit cause i'm not convinced i want anyone to actually read it#i hate it here
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i love when i obsess over stuff that isn't even under my control
#ever since wednesday i haven't been able to stop wondering if my friendship is so unimportant that ppl would rather distance themselves from#me rather than talk about any issue they have w me#i'm never going to force anyone to a relationship w me. if they have an issue but would prefer not talk abt it it's on them i can't take#responsibility for it#but then again i can't help but torture myself that maybe thats the better path. just. stop talking to me!!!!!#and then all i think is this is why i always get so detached from ppl lol!!!!!#i spent months convincing myself it didn't hurt and all but it did hurt!!!!!!!!!!!#and it's funny bcs then ppl say they miss me as a friend but all i can think is then why did u let it get to this point!!!!!!!!!!!#everything could have been avoided if u simply talked to me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#but whatever#if someone doesn't want to communicate whatever issue they have with me it's not my job to find out#jo.txt
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This is your permission to take advantage of some ridiculously harsh sunlight for the specific purpose of posting low-quality cringe
#my mask is on because i'm not about to post my whole face lol. but somehow the mask makes it more cringe#i need one of those little white coifs asdfgdsgdh#anyway say hello to my friend. got him for myself as a birthday present in the summer <33 he does have a name but it's too embarrassing#i can't tell if these pictures are giving me gender euphoria or making me feel even smaller#though i did see a dude on the subway yesterday who was my exact height so that felt good#i might delete this but at least i found an opportunity to wear my green hoodie shirt#it's going to be part of my robin hood costume for halloween if i ever finish it#maybe the sword also. but likely my other sword which is smaller.#if teenagers on tiktok can post thirst traps and not be embarrassed then i can pose with my sword damn it#like you know when you see sun streaks and just turn into a golden retriever?? ye.#i've got this one friend who's convinced i have 'the tism' and if they see this they're gonna go wild sdfgfdsfdgh (because special interest#like every time we go out there's a point when i start going off about the middle ages or something and they just laugh (affectionately)#it's not my fault my dad let me watch monty python and the holy grail at age 7 and bought me knight costumes
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Me holding on to the last threads of my asexual identity so I don't lose the one constant part of how I've identified for as long as I've known I'm queer
#like.. ok.#i don't think atp i can define myself as asexual anymore#and i know you're probably like. but Cian! You run a spicy blog! of course u aren't ace!!#But I need you tp understand that I've identified as asexual for nearly eight years at this point#was fully convinced of it. could never imagine myself in any intimate situations ever.#And a lot of it was for sure just general insecurity and being depressed throughout my teens#But even outside of that I didn't feel attraction!#I also thought i was aromantic for a while#i think some of it is my autism. and my emotions and feelings being foreign to me.#I also have adhd so I always brushed any crush I had off saying it was just a fixation#which sometimes they were#but then I got a crush on my current gf. and every identity I had tried on and swore by was questioned#we got together and i just. got horny?#like I'm someone who just in general madturbates a lot lol that's nothing new but actually being attracted to someone?#baffling to me!#and idk. i don't wanna leave behind the only concrete part of my identity#i switch my labels constantly#nonbinary. agender. genderqueer. transgender. ftm. genderfluid#lesbian. biromantic. panromantic. aromantic. grey aro. demiromantic#but asexual was my one constant. I swore by it.#and now that's... not correct.#I'm just kinda bummed i guess haha
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oh btw anxiety had me by the throat so i haven't really mentioned it yet but i got a new (Real Adult™️) job :'D i'm working w a charity helping adults w intellectual disabilities!!
#ive been working here for the last 2 weeks or so it actually rules#and its so much more chill than working at the grocery store (or god forbid the hardware store)#everyone is SO nice. like they are all so so nice. literally all of the staff And all the clients ive met#and its decent money for entry level. def not the biggest reason i like it but id be lying if i said i wasnt happy w that too lol#levi.txt#took forever for my records check to come back and halfway through i convinced myself i did Secret Crimes and would lose the job over it#so i didnt want to talk too openly abt it in case i jinxed myself i guess?#welcome to my brain its a hellscape#but i think the thing im happiest w tho is that i feel like it actually really matters. its actually smth im proud to say im doing#its going to be so nice to actually see that the work im doing makes a real difference in the world
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Okay... now it's time to go back to my silly little game...
#brawl stars#its the way this game has some of the best character designs Ive ever seen but the lore is basically a puddle#like the kind of puddle you'll find in a pothole after a rain storm#btw i think the ship discourse is insane because Brawl Stars doesn't have a story#but i do like how most people don't have a problem with Mandy/Chester.#but yeah... uh... Fang is definitely a straightie and it's so crazy to see people say hes gay or bi without pulling up evidence#like you actually dont need to show ''evidence'' to justify shipping him with Buster...#the internet has convinced people sexuality is a gauge for someones morality...#especially if you ship m/f as a bisexual person... you dont know how many times a pick me straight has questioned my bisexuality#because i like m/f and dont hate myself LOL
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To go to our town fest completely alone cause my friends either don't live close enough, aren't home, cancelled last minute (like always) or don't like these types of events or to stay home and later regret not going
#myself#my coworker was reallt set on convincing me to come lol#also I just got a random message from a number I don't have saved that just says “shmok” lmao#<- thought that was my brother's friend but it was infact said coworker#also my brother has already left and didn't tell me cause he was mad at me
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...
#my therapist teaching me a mindfulness technique: so what do u think?#me: this is like how vulcans deal with their emotions. they recognize them and set them side. acknowledge and accept#also i need to send these thoughts away on icebergs in the ocean instead of on clouds in the sky#its the exact opposite of what u were saying but i think abt the terror so god damn much its infected me down to the bone#literally anything she tells me i gotta b like: how can i either relate this to media or fold this into a metaphor?#bc i guess thats just how my brain works idk.#ugh. saw the psychologist and psychiatrist today and now theyre perscribing me ab1lify#hope it works. i dont have the perspiration in hands yet. i wish my brain would just b Normal#but i feel generally better than i did last week already#they think im sensitive to medication. either my body or my mind. ie. i freak myself out and my body reacts#so i convince myself im having a reaction. they haven't said that but im sure theyre thinking it bc im also thinking it lol#cant pin me down. my mind is too slippery#things i did not think would happen to me: a bip0lar diagnosis and prescription for anti psychotics#unrelated
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