#I saw a blog posted 2 or 3 photos from this set and i remembered I have these in my gallery so thank you

[thecahhh]

𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐋𝐀𝐒𝐓 𝐒𝐇𝐀𝐃𝐎𝐖 𝐏𝐔𝐏𝐏𝐄𝐓𝐒 by Andreas Terlaak/Lumen Photo (January 2016/ Amsterdam)

[zukazukazuka]

Serika Toa to Retire on April 27, 2025

Long reflective navel-gazing and emotional processing under the cut.

tl;dr: If I had a nickel for every time I inadvertently planned a trip during a Soragumi taidan, I'd have two nickels.

Second nickel hurts way worse.

Inevitably, living on the opposite side of the world means I usually wake up to messages about these things before I actually see them for myself. I remember waking up on July 7, 2017 to things like "wow...hope you like Soragumi!" when her transfer was announced. It feels oddly prophetic that that year we inadvertently planned our trip to catch Asaka Manato's taidan show as well as Kiki's last Grand Theater show with Hanagumi. I cried a lot on that trip, honestly.

Once you start to immerse yourself, it's easy to get attached to your first round of top stars. We'd gotten to see Maasama and Soragumi in Elisabeth the year before, and I was sad she was leaving. Hanagumi was our home troupe, and my favorite actress was transferring. Both shows were incredible, and to this day SANTE!! remains my favorite revue of all time. I think we saw it some ridiculous amount of eight times, back when it was possible to have the privilege of satisfying your brainrot by waiting outside the Tokyo Theater at 5 AM in hopes of getting same-day tickets. I remember the utter devastation of seeing that show from the 4th row, of getting arrowed with a Kukochihiko stare from the silver bridge during her duet with Mirio that made me squirm in my seat. I remember how loud the audience was on senshuuraku in Tokyo, it felt like we were at a rock concert rather than a Takarazuka show, and how satisfying that was, despite the tears.

It's hard to believe that was seven years ago, which feels both so close (literally to a degree, as you don't have to scroll very far down this blog to get my live reaction posts lol) and somehow yet so far away (thanks COVID).

Two months ago, we bought tickets to go back to Japan in January, our first trip since 2019.

This morning I woke up to messages again.

And now apparently I've stumbled yet again into a Soragumi taidan, "my" taidan, which of course I knew ultimately was on the nearer horizon since June 2023, but could never have guessed how fraught everything in between would become.

I can't help but feel exceptionally, heartbreakingly sad.

I fell in love with Kiki from the very first time I set foot in Quatre Reves and saw her photo as Rudolf in 2014. She has always been my favorite since that day, and by the time she goes it will have been effectively 10 and a half years. 10 years, nibante under two long-running top stars, through pandemic closures and changes, and effectively 1.5 GT shows as top. In truth, I'd always prepared myself for a short run. 3 shows would've been just enough to give her 'decent' time without really feeling like they were just shoveling her off after so long as #2, although I would've been cranky about it. 4 or 5 would have been an ideal sweet spot. At this point, I'm sure 3 was always the initial plan, and I hope that had been satisfying for her going into things.

It just extra fucking sucks now.

Today I can't help but feel regret for falling off as much as I did after her transfer. I was able to see her in both of those 2019 trips, thankfully at least once on stage, but the double whammy of Mirio leaving and COVID closures made it feel a lot hard to stay connected to Takarazuka in general - which is ironic, given that I will never, ever not find it surreal to watch a raku livestream on my fucking couch at 12 AM. But I didn't watch as many as I could have. One of my favorite things had always been seeing iride photos on twitter, and it made me feel like even if I couldn't be there, I could still "keep up" with what was happening day to day. Unfortunately (or rather fortunately, given this last year) I am famously too lazy to make a lot of effort to read things in Japanese, even if Takarazuka helped improve it for a time. I have limited space and desire to buy dozens of GRAPHs or other magazines for interviews. I moved on to other interests, but always kept one finger on the pulse of things. At one point, as things went on longer and longer, I thought so many times "hey girl, if you wanna pull a MiyaRuri and bounce without making top, I fully respect and support that, even if I won't get to see you one last time."

Well.

I don't have much I want to say here about what happened last year, except that I hope such a horrendous tragedy does ultimately lead to a lot of reform at the revue. Unlike apparently most everyone, I didn't go digging around the internet for names and 'what really' happened (see: lazy, also not my fucking business). I don't know, I don't want to know, and at this point frankly I don't really care about anyone's particular opinion about the people involved, or whatever outcome they think should have happened.

But we are where we are, now.

Last week, in my naive hope that after we got through Escalier's break with no taidan announcement, I was guessing that she might yet go later next year. I'd been reading the schedule wrong and complaining about the possibility of a late summer taidan, because Japan is fucking horrendous in summer, only to realize that it would've really been October, which would be ideal, although truthfully I'm not sure I could have swung a second trip in one year. I'd been sad about not getting to see her possible ohirome during my favorite time of year, since I couldn't swing a trip last year. In hindsight, I'm glad it turned out as "lucking" into actually seeing taidan rather than potentially have booking a trip last fall and "wasting" it, and that I no longer have to worry about whether or not I get to see it. But it still really fucking sucks.

Part of what helps offset the hurt of an actress retiring, especially your actress, especially a top star, is the celebration of all that's come before. Coming in as a fan in 2014, I saw all of the photos and videos of the last day festivities of Teru and Chie, which continued through all of the others that left in subsequent years. I felt devastated for the top stars who left during the height of pandemic closures, who couldn't have that, and for fans who couldn't get to see it. I'm not even sure what taidans look like these days, as I'm sorry to say a consequence of only trailing vaguely along on the hype train for the past several years is that I haven't seen any taidan shows or bothered with social media to know if they do even a semblance of those last day activities, even for the troupe. It makes me sad to think that maybe those sorts of things are perhaps long gone, just generally. Even if they aren't, though, I doubt we'd get any of that, anyway.

So in absence of that element or really any other joy, all I can really feel is bitterly sad.

In truth, I have a lot of complex feelings about her whole run, and have for many years, but those aren't things I care to lay out here. Suffice it to say, this whole situation feels like icing on that whole cake, I guess.

As I was writing all of this, I realized that just because of timing and that we usually prioritized seeing grand theater shows over small ones, the only time I will have seen Kiki live in a lead show will be her last one. I realize that compared to many people I'm privileged to go at all, let alone the number of times I've already done so in the past, but I'm still utterly heartbroken.

At the end of Escalier last weekend, I'd been so happy to see a semblance of her old self again. Her jokes, her smile, which has always felt like sunshine to me. I can't ever know her real feelings, but I hope that maybe there is some relief for her, knowing there's an end in sight. I hope that despite everything, she can find a satisfying life after the fact, that she'll still be able to perform, if she wishes. At the end of it all, I do feel thankful for the things we do have, the experiences I've had up to this point. My one tiny silver lining is that Sakura is (supposedly, maybe, fingers crossed) hanging around, hopefully for a while, because she's an incredible powerhouse and deserves the world. I'm grateful to her for being Kiki's partner and radiating love at her on stage, and terribly looking forward to seeing that in person.

Anyway, time to go cry some more, and eventually write a letter.

[umichenginabroad]

Stockholm Week 7: Travel Week 1

Hej igen! 

I had a bipolar week: the beginning of the week was full of presentations but the end of the week was full of laughter :) 

Let’s begin! 

2/28 Wed

It has been a while since I had two study trips in a day. I learned about the New Slussen Project, which is the reason for all the construction around Slussen. The planning behind the project was astoundingly complex and comprehensive, considering all social, environmental, and economic factors. 

Model of the new Slussen project design

The next study trip was a real guided tour based on the Swedish crime fiction novel, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. We walked around Monteliusvägen to Michael Blomkist’s apartment, the cafe where the movie was filmed, and viewpoints that showed the city at a glance. 

A picture of a gallery I peeked into before the field trip

The view was gorgeous. It's not too far from my apartment too!

When the tours were over, I stopped at the Coffee House and yapped with my friend for a bit before going home.

2/29 Thu 

Today was the big D-day: a 10-minute presentation on the case study done in my core course. I booked a room in DIS to practice until class. I ate my packed lunch and finished up my last touches. 

My messy hair ;-; The sun was out and I needed a break

Turns out the presentation was informal but I guess that was for the better. 

At home, I couldn’t rest as I had to prepare for my other presentation for Swedish and read half of a book for Crime Fiction class tomorrow. I made the mistake of reading in my bed and fell asleep eventually. 

3/1 Fri 

My team successfully finished the presentation and ate the pepparkakor that our teacher prepared for us. It is a thinner version of ginger cookies with a taste of Sweden. 

As a little treat after school, I ordered TooGoodToGo at an island I’ve never been to. It was such a smoggy and windy day (especially because the bridge I had to pass was near a huge lake) but I managed to arrive at the bakery in one piece. 

The bakery had so many cute chocolate pieces < 3

I caught up on my sleep for the rest of the day. 4 hours of nap before sleeping for real at night ;) 

3/2 Sat 

Finally, travel week 1 break began! My family came to visit Stockholm while I was here. We had no specific plans in mind, so we spontaneously decided on places to go. We left Airbnb at 5:30 pm when the sun was all set (...) but we still had a good time walking around T-Centralen and Gamla Stan. 

It was nice seeing my family again < 3

3/3 Sun 

We had a slow morning but made it out of our house by 1 pm. 

Our first stop was Gamla Stan since we could not see anything in the dark yesterday. I took them to the main photo spots first. 

Happy happy happy '◡ '

If you remember this place from my prior posts, you're a real one < 3

My dad then led the way to Stockholm’s narrowest street, Mårten Trotzigs gränd. It is only 90 cm (~35 in) wide. 

I took some great snapshots for my brother 

From far away, we saw a commuter ferry departing and abruptly decided to take it. We ran and ran and ran to make it in the departure time. We found out where we were headed once the ferry steered toward the temporarily closed amusement park on Djurgården Island. I felt like I hadn’t been on impromptu journeys for ages, so this kind of random traveling brought me so much joy! The island was bigger than we thought, and it was then that my dad discovered something from the map. The island we were on was the island with the Vasa museum! On the subway to Gamla Stan earlier on, we had made a plan to go to visit the Vasa museum later today. Without a clue, the ferry took us to the right place at the right time. We were so amazed and couldn’t stop talking about it for a good hour (and now I’m writing it on my blog post). 

Since we were there already, we went to the Vasa museum. It is a popular museum with a restored ship that sank back in the 1600s and recovered after 333 years, in the 1900s. I was impressed by the grand size of the ship and the salvage operation.

I still can't believe this magnificent yet delicate ship sunk 10 minutes after its departure

We took a thorough scan of the six floors and finally left when we were satisfied. A beautiful sunset was awaiting us outside. 

Swan couple < 3

This time, we took a tram to go back to Gamla Stan for fika. Fika and Wine was our first destination. We ordered Swedish meatballs and shrimp salad as our main dishes, as well as delicious desserts with coffee. 

Can’t describe the deliciousness in words < 3

For the rest of the evening, we enjoyed Gamla Stan with street lights on, going into souvenir shops one after another like real tourists. 

I loved the owls in this store but my wallet said no to all of them :(

The past few days have been relaxing, and I can’t wait to spend more time with my family :)  They are wonderful photographers (as you can see from the pictures in this post) so I'll have tons of more photos to share in the following days. Good pictures always brighten my day <3

I will let you know all about the rest of my break next week! 

Tack, 

Jiwoo Kim 

Chemical Engineering

DIS Study Abroad in Stockholm, Sweden

[shslargue]

I posted 1,035 times in 2022

79 posts created (8%)

956 posts reblogged (92%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@jacksope-lives

@hecksupremechips

@neshatriumphs

@msbadatnamingthings

@shippy-from-apocalypse

I tagged 266 of my posts in 2022

#jacks - 100 posts

#fanfic - 48 posts

#fanfiction - 46 posts

#infinity train - 35 posts

#ao3 link - 34 posts

#teen titans - 31 posts

#teen titans 2003 - 29 posts

#link post - 20 posts

#nesha - 19 posts

#the magnus archives - 19 posts

Longest Tag: 118 characters

#this is a ‘me enjoying projecting onto original characters’ thing and not a ‘fetishizing a personality disorder’ thing

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

"Where others saw insignificance and pointlessness, I found freedom."

The Magnus Archives Fear Entities 1/15- The Vast

The Vast is one of the most underrated Fears, so I decided to start with this one first! I’ve definitely gained a much bigger appreciation for it as time has gone on, it’s truly terrifying to think about how small you are compared to the endless expanse of the universe.

Playlist can be found here!

🌩️🌊⚡

37 notes - Posted November 21, 2022

#4

“I am the throat of delusion incarnate.”

The Magnus Archives Fear Entities 7/15- The Spiral

The Spiral is, hands down, my favorite fear entity. I love Michael, I love Helen, Another Twist and Checking Out are two of my favorite episodes in the entire podcast, and if we don’t get to see the Distortion (in whatever form it may take) in the magnus protocol I’m going to set my computer on fire. Anyway, this was a nice distraction from preparing for final exams!

Playlist can be found here!

��🚪😵‍💫

37 notes - Posted December 3, 2022

#3

"Who will you be, with a name or three, and a stranger’s face worn wrong?”

The Magnus Archives Fear Entities 6/15- The Stranger

The Stranger is easily in the top three fears for me. Maybe because it’s such a looming threat in seasons 2-3 and gets a lot of focus, but I think it’s also largely because the concept is just absolutely horrifying. This drawing is one of my favorites I've done with this series, and editing all the mouths and eyes was so much fun! (yes they are all taken from photos of me--)

Playlist can be found here!

🎭🎪🤡

68 notes - Posted November 28, 2022

#2

literally nobody talks about kagepro anymore until every August 15th when it hits like top three trending on tumblr. good job remembering our roots everyone

75 notes - Posted August 15, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

“My limbs were alive with searing energy, and my heart was aglow with love.”

The Magnus Archives Fear Entities 3/15- The Desolation

The Desolation TERRIFIES me. It didn’t really affect me much the first time I listened to the podcast, but upon relistening I now realize just how devastating it can be. Especially Jude’s statement. Terrifying.

Playlist can be found here!

🔥🕯️🧡

80 notes - Posted November 25, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[lavellenchanted]

I posted 3,892 times in 2022

151 posts created (4%)

3,741 posts reblogged (96%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@theawkwardterrier

@youareiron-andyouarestrong

@animations-daily

@misscrawfords

@lotsofthinkythoughts

I tagged 3,880 of my posts in 2022

#how do you wanna queue this - 3,604 posts

#art - 539 posts

#bridgerton - 279 posts

#lord of the rings - 231 posts

#disney - 221 posts

#mcu - 221 posts

#critical role - 158 posts

#photography - 131 posts

#the legend of vox machina - 111 posts

#edwina sharma - 93 posts

Longest Tag: 132 characters

#because the fact that the mcu has never address tony canonically recruiting a fourteen year old child via manipulation and blackmail

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

me, rewatching the two towers: okay, it’s been twenty years, I’ve made my peace with peter jackson deciding to have faramir tempted by the ring even if I totally disagree, I will be normal when watching

faramir: the ring of power within my grasp

me: FARAMIR WOULD NEVER! NOT IF HE SAW THIS THING LYING BY THE SIDE OF THE HIGHWAY WOULD HE TAKE IT!!

188 notes - Posted August 1, 2022

#4

just thinking about a no-vecna AU where Chrissy sets up the drug deal just because of the stress of home and senior year and everyone’s expectations is getting to her and when she gets home late that night she immediately goes digging through her old photo albums until she finds the one with pictures from the middle school talent show

most of them are her and her friends with their pom-poms but there in the background of one is the 14 year old boy with a buzz-cut and a guitar that she remembers being kind to her when she was nervous backstage and she wonders how she never realised it was the same boy that gets up on the lunch tables and laughs at everyone in the cafeteria when he still has those same dimples and soft dark eyes

and maybe it’s because she’s still slightly buzzed or maybe it’s because she laughed and felt more free and at peace with herself around Eddie than she’s felt in such a long time, but she’s already thinking about what outfit she’s going to wear to the Hideout come Tuesday 

243 notes - Posted August 14, 2022

#3

jonathan: [enters his white-haired anime protagonist out for revenge phase, goes a bit feral and tries to stab dracula with a very large knife]

me: ur doing amazing, sweetie

331 notes - Posted October 3, 2022

#2

everyone before eurovision: well, we all the know the real competition is for last place between the uk and germany

everyone looking at the leaderboard right now:

1,164 notes - Posted May 14, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

See the full post

1,327 notes - Posted January 26, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[lithi]

Getting to know Spoon!

[TW: Slight mention of Rape/Non con: if you feel comfortable reading about such a subject, don’t read the part 3.1)

Translation: Spoon’s Namu Wiki profile

Pen name: 스푼 (Spoon)/제시아 (Jessia)

Nationality: Korean

1) Summary

Before her debut as an illustrator for the romance fantasy series WMMAP, she was active in the doujin world for works such as Hakyuu/Kuroko no Basket.

She was in charge of the cover illustration of the novel ‘I became a princess one day’, and is serializing a webtoon that is an adaptation of the novel.

2) Illustrations

(A list of covers Spoon has illustrated)

3) Controversy

• The setting that the author Spoon changed in the webtoon [1] overlaps with the 3-stage regression setting of 'Doctor Elise' [2], which became controversial. What both characters have in common is that they were orphans when they lived in Korea. The difference is that Elise remembers everything before reincarnating from the beginning, while Athanasia doesn't remember what happened before her reincarnation, and she just knows that she is was reincarnated in a novel.

3.1) Doujinshi that has been serialized in the past

(Cover of the work the author has published in the past [3])

In addition, there is another controversy, as in the past, the author drew the BL doujin work in the above photo with the main subject of hypnosis rape.

Although there are points that certainly have to be ethically criticized in this work, it is common among doujin writers to draw this kind of doujinshis. Many artists have a past history of doujinshi activities, but no one makes an issue out of it, and of course, it is not a problem. However, no matter what, there are strong opinions on the fact that such a depiction of rape is a problem.

While most critics of Spoon's deeds focus on rape, not on the R18, Spoon's fans argue that it must be allowed in the name of R18.

However, that does not mean that we should not have a prejudice that 'writers of stories with hypnotic rape as the main subject should not draw webtoons for all readers', and while refusing to mention the author's past works, people either repudiate comments that show malicious intent on the work, or write malicious content towards the author. You must not post malicious comments that exceed to personal attacks. [4]

3.2) The controversy of the illustration

The controversial Illustration of WMMAP that was presented to the writer Plutos as a gift during the serialization period on Joara*

(*Joara is a site to read web novels. WMMAP was originally published there.)

In order to give [the illustration] the feeling of a romance fantasy, I referred to the romance fantasy illustrator, Ciel-nim. (시엘)

I made a mistake while studying my drawing style. I will reflect and be careful when studying in the future.

I have no intention of drawing like this a second time, it was just for reference... Because it doesn’t suit [me]. ㅠㅠ (I think that this style of art shines the most in Ciel's illustrations.)

I usually mention it when I reference to something, but I've been very busy lately, so I forgot to write it. I'm sorry. Excuse me. People who saw it and to Ciel as well. *Since this is a reference picture, I only posted it on my blog for the record and did not post it on Twitter.

The author intended to this picture as the cover [of the novel], but at first, I didn't know that it was meant to be a cover, but I contacted the author in order to take down the picture, as it would cause trouble.

Controversy arose and author Spoon provided this explanation.

Lithi’s Note: This is Ciel’s Twitter is anyone is interested!! Their art is very pretty!

[1] WMMAP’s Athanasia died and was reincarnated as Lee Ji-hye in Korea, and after she died in Korea, she became Athanasia again, a character of a novel she read during her previous life.

[2] After Elise's death, she was reincarnated as Song Ji-hyeon in Korea, and after she died in Korea, she became Elise, the person she was during her first/previous life.

[3] For reference, it is said that the doujinshi was uploaded to a Japanese adult doujinshi-related platform.

[4] There were many people who posted malicious comments that accused [Spoon] of being associated with the Nth room and being a sex offender because of this rape series [in the doujinshi].

Note: I tried my best to translate, but there might be some errors!

Edit: Additional note: You... can actually buy Spoon’s KNB doujinshi here. It costs 18$! Or this one on EBay. It costs 40$. Or this one

Please do not repost ⚠️

[andromedasstarship]

in the stars - chapter 2

photo credits - @ssahotchnerr

pairing - aaron hotchner x reader

warnings - canon-typical criminal minds violence, show rating 16+ for reference. depictions of violence, stalking, murder, angst, age gap couple, language 

summary - You and Aaron reunite, but it’s not exactly anything to celebrate over. The case moves forward, but you really wish it hadn’t like this.  

a/n - no one is allowed to call me out on my lack of LA/california geographical knowledge. ive also started including readers mental thought train which is italicized (flashbacks will also be in italics, but ill always properly mark a flashback). if you arent tagged but asked, just send another ask/reply! i mustve missed it on accident.

blog rules 

masterlist // read it on ao3 here

chapter 1 // chapter 3

-----

Chapter 2 

Aaron Hotchner was standing in front of you. Impeccable, not even a slight crease in his shoes and suit pressed to perfection. He still smelled faintly like cedar, a thought you quickly tried to send away; it was too late though, already remembering how pitiful it was post breakup, when you would smell the shirts he left at your house, a desperate attempt to remember that he existed in your life. You’d spent hours, days even, thinking about how you’d react if you were ever to see Aaron in person again. At the top of the list was screaming at him, really giving him a piece of your mind for leaving the way he did. Or, maybe you’d be cool and composed, the epitome of maturity and ‘I’m Totally Over You’. You’d even considered completely ignoring him, not even giving him a second glance. Instead you were frozen to the spot, staring up at the man who broke your heart. 

Pulling your eyes away from him, they darted towards the gap between his body and outside, internally debating if you’d be able to somehow sneak around him. As if he could read your mind, not like you had been particularly subtle, he moved to close the gap before you had the chance to fully formulate an escape. 

“Y/N,” he tried again, voice a bit firmer this time around. It’d be better if he couldn’t speak. But then again he had such a beautiful voice-. No, you mentally clamped down on that thought before it could lead you down another rabbit hole. “Why didn’t you tell me?” 

“Tell you, uh, what?” You asked, hyper aware of how mousy you must’ve sounded.

“That someone was murdering women that looked like you. You should’ve called my team sooner, it was irresponsible to put yourself at further risk of-” 

“Are you trying to imply that this is somehow my fault, Agent Hotchner?” The words felt bitter on your tongue. It wasn’t like you, to suddenly be so quick to anger. Years in the spotlight had taught you to hold your tongue, but Aaron’s words managed to cut right through. 

“That’s not what I’m saying, you know that-,” he tried to interject, but you weren’t going to back down so easy. 

“I know what Agent? Please, tell me the acceptable response to this situation,” you spat out at him, finding a brief enjoyment in the way his face scrunched up ever so slightly. “The police were working on the case, I’ve dealt with weirdos before.” Aaron opened his mouth again as if to speak, but you weren’t finished, “You really think I believed you’d answer if I called?” 

His face fell at that and you felt some form of internal victory swell in your chest. Y/N 1 point, Aaron Hotchner 0. The victory was short lived though, as you came to the realization that the two of you were still in a very public setting. 

“I’m not going to fight with you Agent, I suggest you get back to your team.” With that you shoved your way past him, stomping the entire way to your car. It was a shame, the way the anger and sadness was consuming you, maybe if it hadn’t, this time you would’ve noticed the clicking coming from the tree line. 

----

Hotch wished you had been angry; it would’ve been easier to handle you if you had been screaming in his face or throwing low-blow comments his way. He could deal with anger. It’d be easier if he could pretend that you were being completely out of line and could warrant being ignored for the rest of the case. 

That wasn’t you though, and he knew this. He didn’t have to be a profiler to see and hear the way you struggled to hold yourself together. He didn’t need to be a profiler to feel how disappointed you were with him. Hotch didn’t know how to deal with this or you.  Even though it had been months, had he truly fallen so far from your graces; was your opinion so lowly of him now? 

Hotch wasn’t sure which was worse to stomach, the fact that you had such little faith in him or the deep rooted feeling in his gut that told him you were right- had you called him unannounced two months ago, he wouldn’t have picked up the phone. 

----

You sat in your car for twenty minutes, at least. It was pitiful, the way you were crying in your car, to a sad playlist, over a guy who hurt your feelings; it felt like high school all over again. In the moment, you had felt good, the way you watched Aaron’s face twist and fall at your words giving you some sick form of satisfaction. 

It’s not like you had lied to him or anything. You hadn’t even stretched the truth for ultimate impact. The whole overly formal ‘Agent’ thing was definitely on purpose though. No, you had meant every word you said to Aaron, especially about not believing he’d answer if you called. What would you have even said if you called and he did pick up? Hi Aaron, remember me? Good, anyway hope you’re doing well but I think I have a murderous stalker, can you help? Actually, that’s probably exactly how the conversation would’ve gone, but that’s beside the point. 

The point was that even if you could trust the Unit Chief of the BAU to do his job, you weren’t sure you could trust Aaron Hotchner anymore. 

----

When you finally did muster up the courage to return to the conference room, you really wished you hadn’t. You should’ve just turned your car on and left. Was it possible to ghost the FBI? You’d heard enough stories from Aaron about how their tech wizard had found people with just a single loose thread, there was definitely no way you were going to make some spy like disappearance. 

Aaron wasn’t in the room, something you were grateful for in the moment. But what you weren’t grateful for was how the team had managed to set up multiple bulletin boards in your absence; filled with your photo, crime scene photos, the dead women and your personal least favorite, the dead women’s bodies. 

Of course, you knew what was going on, you were a big girl, well old enough to understand and process the gravity of the situation. But you’d only seen photos of the women alive, with personality and humanity; something about that made them look less like you and more like them. Looking at them now- dead, eyes closed, faces tilted away from the camera- these women didn’t just look like you, they were you. 

You hadn’t even realized you were drifting closer to one of the boards until you felt a hand pull at the crook of your elbow. Turning your head ever so slightly you saw JJ, giving you one of her nice looks again. 

“Y/N, you don’t need to see these,” JJ started, already pulling you in the opposite direction. You were about to agree, head already halfway to a full nod when you noticed something from the corner of your eye. 

“Wait!” You exclaimed, pulling your arm back and getting right in front of a photo of victim #2. You very gently pulled the photo of the wall and held it closely in front of your face. Were you allowed to move it? Oh well. You felt the rest of the team’s eyes burning holes through your back so you turned to face them. “I, um, I’m pretty sure the sweater she’s wearing is mine.” You said, voice coming out as a whisper. 

The team certainly seemed to liven up at that statement. Even though they hadn’t even been in LA for a full 24 hours yet, it was obvious from the start that LAPD hadn’t been lacking on the case, rather the unsub was just that good. They reported no evidence from any dump sites,- and now those sites had been contaminated far too much to double check- there had been no witnesses for any of the abductions, and the unsub hadn’t attempted any contact with Y/N; all in all, they had nothing. 

“Y/N, are you sure?” Emily asked, she was quickly pulling photos of the other three women down, bringing them over to the roundtable. “Are the women in these photos wearing anything else you recognize?” 

“Yeah, yeah I’m sure. There’s a little hole right there, on the side, the threads were pretty loose and I got stuck on a doorknob once, ripped it right open. I couldn’t find it when I went to fix it, just assumed I threw it away and forgot.” You said quietly, moving your way to the table. Your brain wasn’t working properly, hadn’t quite yet come to the conclusion that the rest of the agents already reached. He had gotten into your house. “Oh my god.” You whispered, voice shaking. “He was in my house, wasn’t he?” 

The agents all looked down at you with sympathetic gazes before Emily finally spoke up again. “We can’t be sure just yet, but I need you to look at these photos and tell me if you recognize anything else okay? Can you do that for me?” 

You nodded, making your way over to the table and taking a seat. You were well aware one of the agents just called for Hotch, but you couldn’t be bothered with that right now. 

----

“Hotch,” Derek said, his voice urgent as he rounded the corner, interrupting whatever conversation Hotch was having with a random officer, “Y/N recognized the sweater victim #2 was wearing at the dumpsite as hers. Emily’s showing her the rest of the photos and it’s looking like the unsub left something of hers on each one.” 

That certainly got Hotch’s attention. He didn’t need Derek to fill in the blank, the unsub had been in your house. His fists tightened at his side and he couldn’t help the way his face twisted in anger. In this state, Derek knew better than to question this unusually personal reaction, instead just angling his body back towards the conference room. He didn’t even have a chance to open his mouth before Hotch brushed past him, making his way back to you. 

----

Starting with a photo of victim #1, you very slowly pulled it closer in front of you. Oh my god, her neck. Obviously, you’ve seen bruises before, been on a whole bunch of film sets that used makeup to create some pretty gory pieces, but nothing like this. The unsub didn’t just stangle these women, it was like he wanted to completely crush their throats. 

One of the agents behind you was questioning your ability to stomach this, so you quickly forced yourself to focus. It was the least you could do for these poor women, just give them your undivided attention for ten minutes, and then you could deal with everything else later.

Your finger traced over the bracelet victim #1 was wearing. “This is mine. There’s a singular heart engraved on the back of the third diamond’s plating. I bought it for myself after I got cast in my first big role, cried for weeks when I ‘lost’ it.” 

“And what about this one?” Emily asked, gently pulling victim #1’s photo away from you and replacing it with #4. You didn’t miss the way she turned the photos you’d already looked at upside down, as if to further shield you from them. Nor did you miss that she was technically skipping victim #3. 

It didn’t take you long to notice what was yours on victim #4. “It’s the dress, it’s really comfy, I used to wear it a lot, like a lot a lot. I brought it with me so often on trips I just assumed it got left in a hotel room somewhere.” 

Emily nodded, taking back that photo and turning it over as well. You could see her hesitation in showing you victim #3, but she slid it across the table to you as well. Her fingertips ghosting on the edge of the photo, ready to pull it back as soon as you gave an answer.

Victim #3 was tough. She looked the most like you, both when she was alive and certainly the way she looked now. 

You took a sharp intake of breath as you looked down at her the first thing that caught your eye was the necklace. Most certainly yours and most certainly the one that Aaron had given you for your three year anniversary. You realized it was lost a few months after the breakup and nearly tore your house apart looking for it; you didn’t have many things from your relationship with Aaron to prove he was once part of your life, making the few things you did have all the more important. “The necklace, there’s an A engraved on the back and I’m pretty sure those shoes are mine too.” Emily swept the photo back and out of view as soon as the last words left your lips. 

“JJ, get those items out of evidence immediately so we can be absolutely sure,” Hotch ordered. Aaron. You hadn’t even realized he had walked into the room, you turned to look at him, eyes wide with sadness and fear. The tears that were beginning to form tugged viciously on his heart.  “Miss L/N, my team and I are going to escort you back to your home and we’re going to need to canvas it for signs of entry and identify if anything else is missing. Is that okay?” He asked, his voice soft with something most of the members couldn’t place. 

You simply nodded at that, glad that you wouldn’t have to be alone, “Do you need my address, or will you just follow my car?” There was definitely humor in that, Aaron already knew exactly where you lived and the code to get through the gates. 

“Your address is already in our files, but for your safety we’ll be following close behind.” He assured you. The rest of the team was jumping into action, grabbing their personal belongings along with copious amounts of gloves and bags you assumed would be for potential evidence. 

As you all exited the building and entered your respective vehicles, it was Reid who realized where he’d heard that softness in Hotch’s voice before. It was the same tone he used to use with Hayley, back when things were good. 

----

Your house wasn’t far and it was a drive you knew well; grateful for the ability to somewhat distract yourself on the road. The gatesman to your development gave you a real odd look when you told him the two black SUV’s filled with FBI agents were with you, but you couldn’t care less about which neighbor he might spread that info too. Did you see? L/N brought in the FBI, wonder what she’s caught up in. At least all the neighbors and workers had signed airtight NDAs, no one was allowed to talk to any outsiders about the personal happenings of their fellow residents. 

Your house was towards the top of the hill, with a great overlook to the ocean. You had only been 20 when you bought the house and you viewed it as the ultimate achievement of all your hard work and determination. You couldn't shake the bad taste in your mouth as you pulled up the driveway. The house felt tainted now, something you were never sure you’d be able to shake. 

----

Once again, not exactly how you imagined the entire team entering your house for the first time. Your house was extensive, as were the grounds; the team quickly realized they would probably be here for the rest of the day and well into the night.

You were standing awkwardly in the middle of your foyer, unsure of how to exactly approach this situation. “So, there’s about 10 rooms in the house, not including the kitchen and general living spaces, as well with the basement which is technically one big room. I made maps once as a joke, I think I have some in the office, if you wanted those? Or we could do one big house tour and you can break off that way,” you were so rambling, but them being in your house and why they were in your house was setting in, “or you can just go off however you want-” 

“Miss L/N,” JJ said, there was that nice look again, “why don’t you show me around the house so I can get a base level understanding of everything there is. The rest of my team will go start a basic canvas of the inside and the grounds as well.” Thank you JJ. 

You nodded at this, glad that someone else was taking control of the situation. Before you could lead JJ towards the kitchen, your phone started to ring, startling you. When did you get this skittish? 

“My friend is calling,” you said, holding up your phone, “I gotta take this, I was supposed to meet him for coffee a few minutes ago.” You excused yourself, quickly making your way to an empty room away from the rest of the team. Your friend was annoyed at your more than last minute cancellation, but luckily he didn’t pry too hard and accepted your flimsy “I’m not feeling too well’ excuse on the first go. 

“I know, I’m sorry, but I promise I’ll make it up to you as soon as I feel better. Yeah, I love you too. I gotta go, bye.” As you hung up, you could feel a gaze burning into the back of your head. Turning around, you found Aaron staring down at you from the doorway. How long had he been there? 

“You should have told us about your boyfriend sooner. Trying to protect him from questioning will only-”

“I don’t have a boyfriend,” you exclaimed, a bit too hurriedly, “I, uh, I’m not seeing anyone at all actually, haven’t in a while.” Smooth. 

Aaron was smart enough to read through the lines and understand what you had left unsaid. His gaze didn’t give up, but you could’ve swore you saw relief somewhere in his eyes. You weren’t sure if you were supposed to say something, or if he was supposed to say something, or should you walk out, or- 

“Neither have I.” Hotch’s voice broke through your thoughts, but just as quickly as he said it, he turned on his heel and left you alone in the room.

----

a/n - if anyone is wondering ive 100% cried multiple times at how kind and supportive everyone has been with me about this story. we’re only 2 chapters in but im already sad for it to end. yes i 100% have a bunch of other wip ideas for hotch. anywaaaaaaay, replies/asks/comments/reblogs/likes always appreciated! thank you so much for reading 

Taglist: @mac99martin @iwaizumiee @kylorendrip @hqtchner @lieswithoutfairytales @ssahoodrathotchner @midsummernightdream @weasleylovers @evans-dejong @itsmytimetoodream @yoshigguk @28cnn @cuddlyklaus @hotch-meeeeeuppppp

no permission is given to republish or upload my fics anywhere else. if you see this story not on my tumblr or ao3 it is stolen work. i do not own criminal minds or any of the characters involved

[roanofarcc]

also yeah I didn't even think about the El thing with the government. But I want it so badly now. It better happen. Ohh, I love your theories about that photo. I just had another theory too. So we see Steve in the water and stuff. So what if they're already in the upside down and Steve is the one who offered to go into the water to find a way out. And that's when he finally gets possessed! He gets grabbed and stuff. We only see the grab and suddenly Steve is back with robin, Eddie, and Nancy. And what if you're right now they're staring at their rescue. And the reason that Steve looks off is because the affects of being possessed have already hit him. And now the creature, whatever it is, is now looking at the people it wants to terrorize.

I totally agree they would have alluded to it more if it was actually to happen about Steve being a number. But like I really do love this theory. Especially because I've seen a post about an analysis that someone made. Okay so I cant remember what their blog is because I like a lot of material and then forget to reblog the stuff that I want to reblog. I have this mindset of "oh I'll do it later' and then I have way too many things liked that it would take days or weeks to actually go through and reblog so. So I've seen this analysis about how el is connected to water and will is connected to fire. And it got me thinking Steve has also been connected to both of these multiple times. Steve gets wet every season (when Steve was in the pool in weirdo on maple street, when he was showering in season 2 and in season 3 when Dustin and robin and him were in the roof). But also it was Steve's swimming pool that someone died in and let's not forgot that the writers confirmed that Steve was supposed to be a swimmer. Which is actually kind of funny considering that they wanted Steve to be like a ‘bad guy' and they choice swimming as his sport. And Steve is also connected to fire in all seasons too (season 1 he's acting a lot like fire and damaging himself and others and taking actions to situations even though he doesn't know what is entirely happening; in season 2 Steve is the one to set the hub on fire when in the tunnels, he is flicking his lighter too and is fiddling with it in the junkyard, and we have this dialogue from Billy “maybe you got some fire in you after all;" and season 3 when throwing the firework). Although everyone else is also throwing the fireworks I think it's still important. Like I think it's such an interesting aspect and I'm not entirely sure what it means. But my mind kinda went to that when I saw the post and about how Steve might be a number. So lol let me know what you think

oh wait I love that theory! because the very short clip of steve in the water does match the dark blue color that's associated with the upside down (that or he's just under water in the dark lol) but I think that would make sense if they already were in the upside at that point, something grabs him, and then they cut to the other teens dragging him out of the water. and from then on he's sort of out of it but they just assume its because there was something in the water that freaked him out, not that he was like possessed or something.

you're so right, like a lot of steve's story revolves around water mostly because of barb and his swimming pool, which is why I'm upset that it was literally never brought up in later seasons. I also wish they would have kept him a swimmer because 1) you're so right like he's some "asshole" jock who's on the swim team. idk if like swimmers are like on the same level as football players/basketball players at some school bc we didn't have a swim team so idk, but that would have been funny. and it would have made barb dying in his pool so much more impactful because like there's no way he would have been to continue swimming, at least not right away, after her learned the truth about her death. they really could have worked that into season two to go hand in hand with nancy's plot but like the two side of their trauma where nancy wants revenge and steve wants to forget. overall, I think the connection between elements is super fascinating. I really hope they play into will's connection with fire OR they bring in another kid from the lab (I don't remember their number in the comic/novel thing but there is a kid with pryrokinesis). It would be really interesting if they had another kid from the lab that came into the story and opposed el (water) with fire.

[thedumpsterqueen]

Standards of Performance, Chapter 5: Thai Food and Realizations

Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4

AO3 Link

I got this one out QUICK because I'm moving this week and packing is taking up 94% of my brainpower but!! It's out on time!! If I ever have to delay a chapter, I’ll post an update here on my blog. Also, I don’t usually do taglists, but I have had a few people ask - so if you want to be added to a taglist for new chapters, just shoot me a message! I love you all so much, thank you for the continued support and comments!!! <3

Summary:  You’re the BAU’s newest intern, desperate to prove yourself amongst an established team of much more experienced profilers. Agent Hotchner, the seemingly infallible team leader, sets strict expectations for your performance. He commands your respect without even trying, but is there something more to your relationship than a simple desire to impress your stony-faced boss?

Chapter: 5, Thai Food and Realizations

Chapter Summary: You decide to talk to Hotch after the Matthews incident, and wind up discovering a lot more about both of you than you bargained for.

Words: 2616

Rating: Explicit, 18+ 

Pairings: Hotch x Reader, Hotch x You

You weren’t prepared with the immense boredom that came with actually having free time.

The rest of the team had closed the case and flown back (at least you assumed they had; you hadn’t checked), and Hotch had texted you not to bother coming back in until they got a new assignment. You were grateful for the courtesy - a little time to decompress after almost being murdered was nice - but after months of having almost no life outside of the internship, you weren’t entirely sure what to do with yourself.

By the time day four rolled around, you had caught up on the reading you’d been meaning to get to, deep cleaned twice, tried and failed to get into running, and sought out at least a dozen other forms of mindless entertainment. You tried not to think about the fact that this would be the perfect time to catch up with friends if you actually had any, but your college and post-college life spent studying like a madwoman to land a position with the BAU hadn’t exactly lent itself to a healthy social life. There were acquaintances, of course, people you’d spent time with, college boys you’d dated briefly, but none of them had ever lasted. Gotten close.

None of them had ever killed a man for you.

That was the core of it, right? The reason you couldn’t get him out of your head? He’d only known you for a few months, not like the rest of his team that he’d dedicated years to, and yet he didn’t hesitate to end someone’s life in brutal fashion to save yours. You were grateful, of course, given the alternative, but a part of you felt bad. Given his history, he was already encumbered with enough trauma - the last thing he’d needed was another death on his conscience.

That was his decision to make.

That’s what you told yourself, at least. Or tried to. But after four days of the guilt eating at you and failing to distract yourself from it, that thought stopped being reassuring. That evening, after a couple glasses of wine, you finally worked up the courage to acknowledge the idea that had been tossing around in the periphery of your mind for a while.

Committing to action before you convinced yourself this was a dumb idea - and it was, of course, but the slight buzz and four days of isolation said otherwise - you called in an order to the Thai place down the street and heaved yourself off the couch. You tried not to care about how you looked, but changed your outfit an embarrassing number of times before you got the text that your order was ready.

When you first started at the BAU, Garcia had sent you a directory of all the team members’ information. You remembered asking her why their home addresses were on the list - that’s kind of unnecessary, isn’t that, like, personal?  you’d said - and you remembered the sad look she’d given you by way of an answer. Turns out the job had followed them all home at one point or another, usually in a way that required rescuing. As you checked the directory for Hotch’s address, you considered that this information was probably only intended to be used if you needed to save him from an unhinged serial killer breaking into his home, but you figured “thanking your boss for snapping a man’s neck to save your life” was a satisfactory enough purpose.

Turns out, Hotch lived in an apartment only a few blocks away from yours. After picking up the takeout order, you started to make the trek. The closer you got, however, the more your confidence started to waver, and not just because you started to realize how weird you were about to look. Even in the dimming light of the evening, you could tell from the building facades that you were entering a much more well-to-do part of downtown. The storefronts and restaurants occupying the bottom floor of brick condos looked more high-class, the cars parked along the sidewalk more expensive and well-maintained. It made sense given his status in the FBI that Hotch could afford to live in an area like this, but still, you hadn’t imagined it. You hadn’t imagined him living outside of work at all, actually - like an elementary school teacher, it was strange to think that he had a life outside of his job.

You stopped outside of the address on your cell phone, a greystone, ivy-covered apartment building. The doorman saw you pause at the threshold and opened the door from the inside.

“Visiting, I assume?” he asked, as you stepped inside.

Still in shock at the fact that you were in the sort of area that had doormen, you nodded. “Um, yes, Agent Hotchner? I mean, Aaron Hotchner? I work with him. For him, actually. He doesn’t know I’m coming.”

The doorman gracefully ignored your verbal fumbling. “Do you have a badge?”

It made sense that Hotch would use that as a barrier to entry. Smart. You nodded again and produced it from your bag. He waved you on to the stairwell, where you made the climb to the fourth and topmost floor.

You stuttered to a stop outside his door at the very end of the hall. Suddenly overcome with nerves, you took a mental stock of yourself: slightly winded from the four-floor climb, dressed in an oversized sweater and leggings, hair less-than-artfully windswept, hands slightly shaking with adrenaline, clutching a bag of takeout. Not the image you wanted to present to your boss.

God, this was such a fucking stupid idea.

You started to turn away, intending to leave the way you came, when the door in front of you flew open. You yelped, dropping the bag, and turned back to see Hotch standing in the doorway. He was in his work pants, still, but a plain black t-shirt replaced his usual button-up. His left hand was on the half-open door, right hand behind his back, no doubt holding his gun. You put your hands up sheepishly in surrender.

“Hey, Agent Hotchner. Sorry. I just wanted to-”

“What are you doing here?” he interrupted, eyebrows screwed up in confusion.

“I’m sorry. I wanted to, um, thank you. For saving me, the other day. I brought you dinner.”

He continued to look at you like you’d just grown two heads.

You leaned down and picked up the bag of food, holding it out towards him lamely. He looked down at it and finally seemed to relax, shaking his head.

“I’m sorry. I don’t get many- I wasn’t expecting a visitor. Please, come in.”

It hadn’t occurred to you that he might invite you in, but you weren’t about to pass up the opportunity to see Aaron Hotchner’s apartment. You stepped in, and he replaced the gun he was holding back in a drawer by the entryway, locking the door behind you. You were suddenly overcome with sorrow, knowing his life had progressed in such a way that hearing footsteps outside his door was a cause for alarm.

The apartment was nearly as intimidating as the man himself. Tall, industrial ceilings loomed over the open, warehouse-style floorplan, populated by neutral furnishings. An exposed brick wall on the left housed a stainless-steel kitchen, while a king-sized bed on the far right wall was placed near the only closed portion of the space, which you guessed was the bathroom. The windows were numerous - multi-paned and massive, but curtains were drawn over most of them. It was all a reflection of Hotch - impressive and somewhat cold.

There was a single photo, from what you could see, in the entire apartment - a small frame on the otherwise file-covered coffee table between the couch and flatscreen. It was a photo of Hotch, a woman, and a young child. You found yourself drawn towards it, as Hotch took the bag from you to set it on the kitchen island, and you walked over to pick it up. He was smiling in the photo - a genuine smile, not the tight-lipped imitations you caught a few times at the office - and the sight filled you with emotion. Who was he before you met him? A father, a husband, of course, but what was he like?  Did he laugh at Prentiss and Morgan’s off-color jokes instead of chiding them, did he go out to social gatherings with the team? Did he spare emotion when speaking to a victim’s family, as he so rarely did now? Would he have broken a man’s neck without thought like he did to Matthews?

“You’ll stay for dinner?”

You quickly set the frame back down.

“Oh, no, I wasn’t planning on it. Like I said, I just wanted to thank you. I’ve been thinking about it the last few days and I just feel… bad. I guess. You didn’t have to do that.”

“Why would you feel bad?”

You hesitated, trying to avoid the truth - that he didn’t need another body on his conscience. He waited for an answer, and when he didn't receive one, he stepped closer and scanned your face. "What aren't you telling me?"

You weren't keeping anything from him, not really, you just didn't want it to sound like you were calling his mental state into question like you did at the hotel. It didn't matter though, because he had apparently pulled the answer from your expression already.

“You think I’m damaged. And that killing Matthews somehow added to that.”

There was no point in even attempting to lie to him, so you stayed silent.

Hotch sighed and pulled out a seat at the kitchen island. You took it and watched him distribute the takeout containers between the two of you, noticing that despite insisting you weren’t intending to stay for dinner, you’d ordered plenty of food for two people.

Profiling yourself is the worst.

“When Haley and I were married,” Hotch began, picking at his curry, “I took her for granted. I spent more late nights at work than I can count, and I always assumed she would be there when I got home. She was, at first, and then she wasn’t.”

You nodded, afraid to speak, trying not to disturb the moment you’d somehow stumbled upon.

“She had an affair. I never confronted her about it, but I knew. I didn’t hate her for it, but when she asked for a divorce, I let her go without a fight. I wanted the best chance to keep Jack in my life and I didn’t want things to get ugly between us. It worked - I got to see Jack; we were amicable.”

He paused before continuing, “They were killed a few years later by George Foyet. We mismanaged that case. He was ahead of us the entire time; we couldn’t catch up. When we finally caught him, after Haley and Jack-” His voice finally broke, and he set down his fork, staring at the counter.

“He surrendered. I didn't care.”

“You beat him to death,” you whispered. You’d looked up the case file, after JJ had told you what happened.

He nodded, seemingly unsurprised you were familiar with the details. “I was never charged, hardly investigated. No one blamed me. I took some time off, and I came back. I thought about going back to law, but I didn’t.”

He looked up at you, meeting your gaze. “Why didn’t I?”

You blinked away the tears that were forming, confused.”I-I’m sorry?”

“Why didn’t I go back to law? Leave the BAU? You should know the answer.”

“Are you asking me to profile you?”

He nodded in confirmation. “You’re not going to offend me, don’t worry.”

Hotch was the last person you wanted to profile, especially to his face, but you knew better than to try to refuse.

“You... wanted a sense of purpose. If you could keep the same thing from happening to other people, it would make up for what happened to your family,” you responded quietly. It was an easy answer, but it still felt wrong to put Hotch on display like that, especially after he’d already revealed more to you than you’d ever seen him do with anyone.

“Correct,” he said, without a hint of the bitterness you’d have expected to accompany that statement.

“And did it? Help, I mean?”

He studied your face, as if trying to decide whether to grant you the answer. You were suddenly aware of the strangeness of the situation - sitting feet away from your boss in his own apartment talking about the darkest moments of his life. This was insight you doubted he’d ever given before, and as you glanced over his mussed hair, the black t-shirt, caught a whiff of his cologne, you tried not to think about the implications of that statement.

Clearing his throat and raising his eyebrows, he turned back to his food. “It did. It does, most of the time. The rest of the team has been exceptionally understanding, perhaps more so than I deserve.”

“You deserve everything they can give you,” you said with a small smile. “From what they’ve told me, you’ve done the same for each of them several times over.”

“It’s my job,” Hotch said, but you could tell he softened at hearing how his team regarded him.

You both went back to your food, finishing the meal in relative silence - the kind that was comfortable, where you both knew that everything that needed to be said for now, had been. At least, the silence probably felt comfortable to him. Your mind was in overdrive.

Everything Hotch had said and done the last few months that had caused you to falter - the way he shook your hand when you first signed onto the BAU internship, the innocuous moments of praise, that goddamn tie - they were circling your mind like a vulture waiting for the kill. You had tried to brush those moments off, but hearing him open up like this, bare his soul, was too much. It was the next look you stole, watching him eat in quiet contemplation, faint remnants of the blush from the compliment you paid him still gracing his cheeks, that did you in.

You were pretty sure you were in love with Aaron Hotchner.

You were so, so unbelievably fucked.

____________

When Hotch bid you goodbye that night, after you helped clean up his kitchen (which allowing you to do had been a debate in itself), you had the brief, stupid thought that you should just be honest with him. How long, truly, were you going to be able to hide the fact that you were infatuated with your boss? Especially when your boss was in the business of reading people like books?

That idea went out the window, however, when he leaned against the doorway with his signature half-smile and said, “Thank you for everything tonight. I’m glad you’re on the team,” because you know where you wouldn't be, if you confessed your sudden realization? On the team. Hotch made it clear when he hired you, and every day since, that clear judgement was paramount to the team's success. There was no way he'd trust you to be unbiased in a situation that required it if he knew how you felt. And this position was too much to think about giving up, not after the years of studying and social isolation that allowed you to make the cut.

So, you can do this, you decided. You can lie to Aaron Hotchner.

Right?

[manjuhitorie]

tat - Shinoda’s Hitori-Atelier blog posts - REAMP Digest volume 4

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It’s already been 3 months since REAMP was released, time really flies.

In that short bit of time we’ve already planned a tour ahead of us, and were given the opportunity to do the opening for the anime ‘86′. Let’s fucking go~~~~~ Is everyone faring well? I've recently rekindled my passion for sampling, I haven't felt like this in years. I'm taking free samples I find strewn across the internet and turning them into techno. I kinda remember mentioning my appreciation for techno in vol. 1 of this blog series, and yeah. I'm finally trying it out for myself. I've managed to make a pretty sick song if I do say so myself. You'll find it on Hitori-Atelier soon enough. (＊This is most likely the song titled 'mad candy', found in 'Shinoda's Contents') It's fun 'cause compared to vocal stuff, I use a whole different part of my brain to make techno. I say "This part of this sample has a good beat to it, I bet if I rearranged it like this it would make music~" and do it. Relatively speaking, this kinda music making matches my personality type really well. I feel like I've found a fucking good hobby for myself here. With that said, even though it’s a hobby, work is still work so the collateral damage of music-making is still vividly affecting my body. Like music is still music, and with the way I tunnel vision I'll end up at my desk for an obscene amount of hours. By the time I'm done with it physically and mentally I'm a wreck. Like the fuck do I mean by hobby, is this some kinda shitty joke Shinoda? Anyway let's talk about 'tat'. The question as to what the title means comes first. Initially I wanted to name this song "刺青(meaning tattoo)". Because the song ‘Perfume’ by ‘Eito’ (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9MjAJSoaoSo) was a huge hit at that time so yeah.. But that idea failed ygarshy's inspection so I had no choice but to look around for a word similar to tattoo.

That was when I found photos of tattoos on Instagram with the hashtag #tat. This is it, I said. As a slang tat can mean many other things as well but I forget what they were. I'm sure you can find out if you look it up but, take note that none of it has much to do with the song itself. I considered '#tat' for the title as well, but it was too lame so I pulled back. This song was written when the album was almost finished and most songs ready: I reviewed the album as whole and felt that something was missing. I had wanted something with now tat’s tempo and mood to it to tie the album together. It turned out really well, if I may say so myself. Isn't it a great song though? I feel like all my efforts were worthwhile... It's fun to let the creative juices flow and write with whatever comes to mind. I tried to make the amount of guitar notes concise and solid. The tone was supposed to be graceful too but... ygarshy swooped in with a kick and his bass so heavy it sounds like he's blasting music from a little motorcycle. The melody too has the same makings as the hits these days. It’s about someone of the opposite sex with a bold tattoo who’s stuck in days of ennui, and me who’s gazing from afar wondering what these feelings inside me are. It’s about that sorta thing (?) - I think I managed to express it (????) The beat isn’t made to be far off from modern tuning either. I’m sure I could’ve harmonized it even better but, at the time I found good reason to make it more rock band-y, so I have no regrets. I only wish I made the song name something easier to find via search. It’s so hard to find the people talking about it... Starting with a verse and closing a song with that same verse is great, ain’t it. I’ve always liked songs with a bit of a whacky structure to them, Like November in HOWLS, it goes from verse 2 back to verse 1 then into the instrumental break. If you think it’s just any old number then prepare to be sorely mistaken - Or, that kind of fetishy stuff is important for music if you ask me. I received a fair lot of praise from people in the song-writing industry about tat, I’m happy. Though I’m not sure about the lyrics. Someone from our workplace told me that “Mushy gushy heart-wrenching lyrics would fit well”, so I sought out to do exactly that. The only problem is that my expression of mushy gushy made that person from work go “????” so making people’s heart clench is hard shit. This doesn’t leave here okay.. My dismay over the discontinuation of Chikyuu Monogatari is vented in here a bit as well. Though I don’t think Chikyuu Monogatari is boring. Not really. I saw a few people say that ‘tat’ is like the evolution of cakebox. And it makes sense to me now that y’all say it. cakebox was my solo project I did back in my mid-20’s. I made 3 mini pieces with 7 tracks and 1 EP with 4 tracks before stopping. I’m sure only like 10 people in the whole world ever listened to it. If you look it up you can still get it to listen too. Like an offering of random ass songs to my dead school life, I had a phase between my late teens and my early 20’s wherein I was obsessed with making songs using just my voice and guitar. The question of direction was beyond my consideration, I just sorta let the creative juices flow back then too and promptly set pen to paper. That was my creative process cycle. It was kinda like a diary. There’s barely any proper complete songs. The reason being that I completely lacked the skill necessary to make them proper. My guitar was alright but my singing wasn’t up to par, no one ever praised my voice at all. So I resolved that I just wasn’t cut out for it and strove to be a lead guitarist. Instead of my own songs I chose to go do band stuff, thus devoted myself to guitar.   Yet still my desire to make something proper stuck with me, and so soon after that I started a band in which I did guitar and vocals. we mashed stuff together and made song proper. Alas. Between creative differences and my own lack of ability, we were barely able to make something that I was proud of. After shit happened I ended up at home immersed in making my own songs. “Surely I could put all my experiences in bands and my own growth to good use, to turn my backlog of WIPs into something proper as well?” I thought to myself, and thus was the beginning of cakebox. I think that was the first time I ever got involved in making my own music through my own power. But my way of intense creation was too innocent for listeners or something, or like I wasn’t conscious enough of my headfirst personality... So I didn’t even have the sense to match the tuning up with modernity, and ultimately my work wasn’t clicking with society’s needs. That reality was crushing me more and more with every piece I made. I didn’t have absolute confidence in myself or conviction to push through either. After 3 albums the feeling of “Why am I even doing this” grew, and I found more purpose in Hitorie instead. From then on I devoted myself to Hitorie. These past few years in Hitorie have been nothing but learning experiences for me. After years of the four of us together stressing over what makes good music, I think my own work has leveled up as well. One thing I learned that has especially stuck with me, even now, is leader’s unwavering stance on “Believing that I’m just no matter what”.   For someone with my relative dispositions it’s a nigh impossible stance, and at often times I felt it was egoistic of him but... It’s what led him to create such powerful music, and it’s something we depended on greatly. The other day I gave Unhappy Refrain a full listen for the first time in a while. It’s perfect in every way, what the hell. Vocaloid as a genre was still establishing itself back then, and without a doubt this album served as a monument for the cause. The same way ‘my bloody valentine’’s ‘loveless’ was the cherry on top for the shoegazer genre. It’s made an immovable unsurpassable mark on music history. I really was in a band with a crazy person. To think that when I was in a band with him I more saw myself as the crazy amazing one. What the fuck was up my ass. I understand why felt the need for a band after making this album - why he brought us together - even more now. The obscene amount of notes in that album with a tone reeking of rock band stuff... It’s really flooded with his innocent yearning for rock music. I think the troubles he faced following Unhappy Refrain were the repercussions of him making such a huge monumental piece. But his stout core belief in himself - that he’s just - has stood equally as tall as that monument all the way. Now, after so many twists of fate.. I never thought I’d be writing AND singing my own songs for Hitorie like this. Except, one difference between the me of now VS. the me of old is that I don’t feel even a smidgen of unconfidence. I’m not worrying that I “don’t stand out” or “don’t suit societies needs” anymore. I feel like ‘tat’ might be the best song in the album (sorry ygarshy and Yumao). To the point that when people praise it I merely agree with them, “No lies detected” I say.

It’s all thanks to my time spent with Hitorie, the musical knowledge we sharpened, and the fact that my bandmates’ amazing performances have my back. If I don’t have something as big as this supporting me then I’ll just be a fucking chicken with no confidence in my music, after all. With that said, Music made by you yourself is an irreplaceable treasure, “If you made something good, then be proud”: this lesson of mindset was taught to me by Leader. It’s a really life-changing way to be so... If I mimic Leader at least this lil’ bit no one would make a bad face at me, right? What do y’all think? With that that said, the actual most pure thing that’s naturally come out of my head in years, with my actttual emotions stuffed in, is... The actttttual best song is “Utsutsu” if you ask me so. Look forward to the next entry of this blog series, y’hear me. Shinoda

[andough]

When my dear friend Natalie passed away a few years ago, my world was rocked in a way that I had not anticipated. I had woken up at 3AM and groggily looked at my phone to browse social media; I had to open at my job then at 4AM, and I used to wake myself up by binging on social media for a few minutes while I woke my mind up. That was the last day that I did that because I saw post after post on her timeline, tagging her, or photos of her - all inscribed with the words, “rest in peace”, “rest in paradise”, “rest easy”, “I will miss you”.

“I will miss you”. I was too sleepy to really feel anything that early. I was still waking up. I don’t know what I felt in that moment, but it wasn’t anything deep. It was just shock. On my drive to work, the shock slowly faded into understanding what I had read. As I opened the store and worked, the understanding turned into the realization. And that realization turned into grief. I took my break at work and I sat at the desk at work, reopened Facebook to see the posts, and realized it: she’s gone.

One of the longest shifts ever (even though it was only 4 hours) and an awkward encounter where my coworker came into the back to see my crying later, I went home and let myself fully grieve this loss. One of the most vibrant souls I have ever encountered lost her battle to cancer. She had set up a blog when she found out so she could log her journey through chemotherapy. I felt naïve; her posts were so uplifting and optimistic that I had no doubt in my mind that she would overcome it. Yet, here I was, grieving this loss. My heart ached. I started to recall every memory that I could, almost like picking them up one by one from a pile before a gust of wind would blow them away. I remember how she would call me at 6AM to wake me up to go to my previous job that I hated so much. I remember talking on a walky-talky app (I forgot what it was called, I think it was Zello) and talking to each other throughout the day. I remember how she would laugh at the silly things she did - things I similarly did but felt a lot of shame and embarrassment - and appreciative of how she could just love herself enough to laugh.

That was all gone. I felt so much guilt. Why didn’t I keep in closer contact with her? Why didn’t I tell her how much I appreciated her? Why didn’t I do something to help her through her battle? It was every “why” under the sun going through my mind. Was I feeling guilt only because she passed away? Would I have felt guilt for missing so many opportunities to connect with her if she survived it? Ultimately, I reached a conclusion that it wasn’t my fault for not knowing how it would tragically end, but also realizing I do the things I should be doing when they’re too late. We never had a falling out, but we both started living busy lives. Why was it so hard to take time out of my day to just send her a text? To say hi, to ask how she’s been, to ask if she’d like to just talk on the phone for a bit? 

These emotions are still raw. I still feel them very fucking vividly. I still think about her almost daily. 

I think about her even more now, because on Monday, October 12, 2020, I received a text from my mom regarding my cousin, Fariba, in Iran who was fighting cancer. She had been fighting it for 3 years but it kept coming back. This last time that it came back, chemotherapy wasn’t working. 2 months ago, she was given 3 weeks to live because the cancer progressed and she was in pain. Last week, she was admitted into the hospital for internal bleeding. 

The text: “She’s in heaven now”. 

I felt it all again. Every. Fucking. Emotion. Every single thought, every emotion that I could discern, was the same when Natalie died. I questioned why I didn’t keep closer contact. I questioned why I didn’t visit Iran more often; sure, there’s political reasons that made me feel unsafe as a gay Iranian man to do so, but the familial obligation should have been greater. Why didn’t I talk to her more? 

On top of the guilt, I felt a moral and familial obligation to comfort my grieving family. I didn’t grow up close with her because we lived in different countries, but they all did. My aunt cried. She screamed. She sobbed. Through her wails, I remember her saying, “nothing brings my relief. I just want Fariba” - and my heart sinks and breaks every time I think about it. 

Why do I wait until it’s too late? And why do I feel guilt for asking to talk about this? Why do I bottle this up? Is it because I feel like I deserve to feel shitty for not doing things to show my appreciation when these wondrous people are alive? Is it because I don’t want to share these feelings or thoughts because I don’t want anyone to feel even a fraction of how awful this feels? Or, am I just being selfish and this is my coping mechanism - to withdraw and isolate? 

I’ve lost two people to cancer. And the losses feel so deeply profound. I started adapting the same outlook in live as Natalie: there is always something to live for and look forward to. How will I honor my cousin, Fariba? Can I honor her? Who else can I lose to cancer? I think about this every time I talk to someone, look at someone, or think of someone I have a connection with - could they be diagnosed with it? Will I lose them, too? Will...I be diagnosed with it? 

I am afraid. I’m afraid of who I could lose. I’m afraid I will never get over the loss of Natalie or Fariba. I’m afraid I’m losing myself in the grief. 

[uwua3]

Hello! Sorry to spring another request at you so soon, but those jealousy headcanons you wrote for me have got me hooked! Would it be possible to write a redemption/forgiveness focused "part 2" to those 3 HCs but years later, showing that they've both grown as people and wind up with happy endings together? (And heal my bruised ego, j/k 😆) If you would rather not revisit those stories, I completely understand + will think of something else 😁 TY once more for your immaculate creations 🙌🙏

yes! this will be the pt. 2 set years later from the first jealousy hc~ i know everyone’s a sucker for happy endings so i’ll try my best! aLSO YOU KNOW WHAT’S FUNNY!!! i remember when i got sent this ask and i just wrote immaculate in one of my writings omg!!! we are Connected

summary: time heals and people move on, for better or for worse

author’s note: this was less redemption, but more for forgiveness. sometimes, you can’t forget what someone did but forgive them after becoming changed people. being the bigger person, moving on, and being the best version of yourself is the sweetest revenge possible + taichi’s was the longest, i am the most proud of his!

there are some situations where it’s best to leave a person out of your life if they hurt you more than anything ♡ don’t feel like you are missing a part of yourself without them, you’re more than someone’s s/o; you’re you!

word count: 4,042 (total) — 1,297 (kazunari), 868 (tenma), 1,877 (taichi)

music: i don’t want you back – aj mitchell (kazunari), you could have been the one – coasts (tenma), wish u the best – blackbear (taichi)

jealousy (pt.2)

🌻🎨 miyoshi kazunari

it kept raining, but kazunari refused to let that stop him anymore

kazunari stood drenched for so long but his umbrella was by his side this entire time (he covered himself and watched the stormy clouds part to reveal streams of the sun)

kazunari wanted to love himself first, and then maybe he could come back to loving you

so he attended therapy. learned how to openly commuicate his feelings without constantly seeking attention. made real friends with a theatre company named mankai. found passion in another art form: acting!

kazunari grew as a person, developing into his full identity and he finally knew who he was. kazunari stopped forming unhealthy attachments onto people who showed any form of interest on him and even had a few successful relationships because of his mindset

(all of them ended maturely, respectfully, and without any of the drama being a teen had. it felt nice to be an adult for once)

kazunari was content with his own body, for once. he practiced taking breaks and understood his own limits (not weaknesses, his therapist reminded him, just boundaries). kazunari even started posting online again, making enthusiatic blog posts that were genuine this time

kazunari stopped obsessively checking comments left on his selfies and just deleted any that were negative. but most times, he didn’t even see them because he was proud of how far he came. it could only go up from here

kazunari was happy!

but, you weren’t. you lost your best friend who eventually stopped sending random late–night texts. the one who always had an adventure up his sleeve and always made you laugh. where did he go?

it wasn’t until you spotted an advertisement that had his name in the bottom part of the cast. you didn’t even know kazunari was interested in drama, though he did have the flair for it

(you were too busy with your partner to even come to his water me! debut)

when you attended the summer troupe’s second opening night, you couldn’t recognize the man standing before you on stage

kazunari wasn’t that meek barista who shut down every time he made a mistake. now, when he flubbed the script, he simply did improv and didn’t let his mistake hold him back. he matured to be an accomplished young man with the talent to boot and all the charisma in the world

when kazunari’s sight glanced past you, he barely noticed your presence. he just nodded and spared no more attention towards you, focusing on the play and giving it his all

to you, kazunari was a stranger. to kazunari, you were just somebody he used to have good times with, that’s all

after that, you left and didn’t bother seeking contact with him again besides the occassional congratulations to be civil. he didn’t need you anymore, it was painfully obvious how happy he was now

(much happier than when he was best friends with you)

kazunari didn’t notice and put his energy into becoming someone he was proud of, gaining popularity online for his infectious happiness and wonderful, creative edits

kazunari stopped trying to love himself so you could love him. he did everything for him because he wanted to

after seeing you in the crowd, kazunari accepted you weren’t the same person he became best friends with and that was okay. he had 20 best friends who he shared a house with, what more could he ask for?

(even when he saw your long instagram post about your engagement, he liked it and left a happy comment. there was no jealousy over what could have been, just complimenting the ring without any hard feelings)

kazunari knew he would never see you again, that you were intimidated by his self–love. kazunari wasn’t too sad, just posted a group photo with the caption: “my best friends ✨”

kazunari moved on easily, knowing there was no point to get hung up if you were happy. who was he to get in the way of a happy relationship?

so when you sent him an e–mail asking him to be the best man at your wedding, it didn’t phase him as bad as he thought it would. maybe, just a little surprise. kazunari didn’t hesitate to request practice off and click to confirm his rsvp

(maybe, this could have been his last opportunty to be your best friend)

if it was possible to outdress the couple, he did. kazunari showed up to the wedding in his best suit, gladly chatting up the party

(he knew he looked good, and because of that, he didn’t flinch every time he was mistaken as the groom)

(he didn’t want to be, anyways)

kazunari met up with you in your dressing room, watching you pace as you had pre–marriage jitters. but you looked pretty, beautiful even, but you didn’t look like his bride. that didn’t hurt him, he just smiled and offered his arm

“you ready, best friend?” kazunari asked and the smile on your face reflected his: hollow, but somewhat sad. you both knew you guys weren’t close like before, the same people before. you two were almost unrecognizable, but the love as friends was still there

kazunari couldn’t deny you made his life better at some point, people just change and that was that. he couldn’t fault you for that

he couldn’t blame you for his fear of confessing his feelings, his avoidance of any type of serious relationship. that was on him, and he accepted that a long, long time ago

he was gonna walk the first love of his life down the aisle to another person, and kazunari smiled, knowing this was for the best

kazunari was happy the person you met all those years ago was your soulmate, you deserved that

as the double doors opened, you two gracefully walked down the aisle as he noticed the person at the end was crying tears of joy. they were so in love with you, and you had the same look on your face

kazunari didn’t even react like that, just smiled and gave you a thumbs up

this was definitely for the best

as the room stood for you, you glanced at kazunari and whispered something that had no effect on him whatsoever

“i liked you, before all of this.”

kazunari just looked forward, feeling the rain finally come to an end as a sunny, summer blue sky was shining with puffy white clouds

the rain was gone for good, and 19–year–old kazunari finally had his closure

“i did, too.” kazunari simply said and you didn’t react. it was clear, you both moved on

before giving you away, kazunari smiled, making some joke about being careful with his “daughter”

the room laughed, and he did, too (he meant it)

kazunari was happy for you as he watched you two exchange vows. maybe his past self would’ve selfishly wished that was him, object when the officiant asked, and steal you away

but kazunari knew you were happy

(best man kazunari stood up at the dining banquet to deliver his speech, holding the mic up to his mouth and he shared happy memories between the two of you)

(kazunari almost talked about how gorgeous you looked in golden hour back then, but stopped. that was a memory only his teen self should have, and instead made a toast)

(“for forgiveness, moving on, and best friends!”)

kazunari watched you have your first dance and looked outside. it was golden hour, and you were just as gorgeous as before

but, kazunari didn’t have to be your #1 anymore. because in his heart, he was his own #1, and that would never become a joke

the rain ended, and wouldn’t come back as long as he lived in the sun

🌻☀️ sumeragi tenma

you and tenma were cast in the same movie years after your public break–up

it was an easy job and guarenteed summer blockbuster for best lead actor, tenma

he was entering university now for acting, keeping a clean image as the media slowly forgot about his playboy past as he shifted his efforts to more time with his true friends and being a regular, casual teen

(even previous co–stars admitted his personality did a full 180 and it was refreshing to see the young actor turn over a new leaf)

tenma decided after you, he deserved real love that wasn’t fabricated by a company

he left his label with a rip to the contract, flipped them off with both his fingers, and became an independent star that rose to popularity due to his honest and brash interviews on the industry

he took on projects he loved and tenma’s parents slowly came to respect him as an actor, giving him the freedom to do whatever mattered to him

(tenma even started reclaiming back his missed childhood, lowering the expectations he forced upon himself and letting himself make mistakes. he started trying again and again, refusing to give up for the sake of his team)

tenma expanded his talents to both on screen and stage, and found himself becoming more of a team–player who was confident in his abilities to lead and be taken seriously

mankai taught him love wasn’t just romantic. he received love everyday from his close friends and pushed himself out of his comfort zone to express his feelings and appreciation without feeling uncomfortable

as a result, tenma was loved for who he was, not some idol image

tenma loved himself all because of his love for acting, and knew he wouldn’t have been able to do it if it wasn’t for you, weirdly enough

you were the breaking point. you set off the chain of events that let him take back his own life and pursue real, authentic things. tenma was still a kid at heart, but he grew up

the next time he saw you on set after providing food for the cast to practice showing apprecistion, he towered over you and had to look down

this time, it seemed like he was the one who ruffled your hair and treated you like his younger sibling

you hadn’t realized it, but tenma wasn’t the little kid you liked making fun of. now he was a strong, independent, opiniated firecracker who wasn’t afraid of telling it how it is

tenma wasn’t scared to tell you when you messed up, but this time, he offered advice. he was a natural leader who provided multiple effective solutions and was interested in working with the directors and producers to make the best possible cut

tenma wasn’t some egotistical, self–centered jock his company portrayed him out to be. he was a childish, fun–loving, aggressive firework who was unapologetic about his true self and put his entire self into acting

it was a particular scene that involved romance, and you had to act as a couple with tenma, having a practice read as you went through the lines

“i’m sorry, i loved you so much, it would have killed me if i didn’t say something.” tenma recited, emotionally looking into your eyes as he made his voice shake. it almost felt too authentic, and you cleared your throat, continuing the line

“i did too... but you,” you glanced up at him, and suddenly you realized tenma wasn’t that young brother you thought he was. you regretted ever treating him like some dumb kid, he had grown so much

“you were so young... i judged you too quickly and never let you have a chance. i’m sorry, tenma.”

tenma didn’t break character, but he just shook his head and put his hand out, knowing you didn’t follow the script

“it’s okay. it is what it is.”

you shook his hand, and you never realized how well his hand fit in yours

from that moment forward, you two had easy chemistry and became friends again. but as you began to see him as a man, he always reminded you that it was never going to work out even if he forgave you

he made it especially clear when you guys came back to that one arcade. its games never changing and it felt like you went back in time. when he caught you giving him the same look 16–year–old tenma gave you back then, he sighed and stared at you with firm determination

“i get it, i’m different now. but you gotta give up, don’t even think about it. i forgive you, but we’re friends. that’s all we’ll ever be.”

tenma was older now, and he was grateful for all you did for him, but he already had real love

he didn’t need fake love, especially from you

after playing games in the arcade, it was tenma this time who commented how fun it was and you could call him up any time for acting advice. he saw you as a younger sibling

you watched tenma grow up, but didn’t realize maybe you were the one who was still stuck in the past

🍁🛹 nanao taichi

taichi, grew up

he refused to ever let anyone hurt him the same way for the rest of his life. he couldn’t believe he was so desperate for love that it blinded his view on common sense. taichi never wanted to feel like he was used, kicked, and abandoned ever again

taichi never wanted to see you again, you didn’t deserve to see him after all this time

taichi began to build up his self–esteem, knowing whatever happened, wasn’t his fault anymore. he loved himself, he was the best you ever had and you left him for someone you ditched later that week

in a way, he won. taichi was happy, confident, and grew up to the best actor possible as he was surrounded by the mankai boys who supported him to be content with life

so taichi forced himself to stand taller, started looking people in the eye, and being direct with his boundaries. taichi learned more about what he could handle, and it was amazing to see how having self–respect meant people backed off, knowing he wasn’t a victim anymore

taichi learned his self worth and moved on, his love for himself was greater than anything he felt for you

(during times when he relapsed, sometimes he re–read the love letters he wrote you. you would leave them behind, not even opening them. they were so honest, so vulnerable, it physically hurt him to know he exposed his heart to the public like this)

(he’d read but at the end, he’d always laugh at his stupidity. you didn’t deserve to have such nice things like his heart)

taichi became even more extroverted, making countless friends as he realized making lasting relationships was meant to be double–sided and not just an one–way effort. as a result, he made contact with people who actually liked him and valued him as a friend

taichi put out good energy into life, and he got it back in the form of fun, friends, and his family

taichi liked making connections with people in theatre troupes on veludo way, always staying back to applaud at street acts and exchange contact information

one day, he came across a recently up and coming troupe that nearly fainted when they caught sight of the bright red hair that distinguished taichi

(amongst troupes, taichi was even better than god troupe. taichi was a resident star that was so nice that everyone loved him)

now, they were his closest friend group outside of the mankai boys and noticed their street act, rushing over to congratulate them

“you guys did amazing! i’m so proud!” taichi fake–sobbed, running over and throwing himself onto one of them with a tight hug as the group of friends released a tight laugh after the nervewrecking performance

“ah taichi~ you have to stop before i fall in love with you!” someone said, pushing taichi off jokingly as he pouted like a puppy.

taichi was older now, less naive and innocent to the dating game, his heart didn’t flutter like it would’ve before when he was 16

taichi just laughed it off, and it didn’t affect him like before. he didn’t fall in love, he learned to tell the difference between friendly affection and true love

(but sometimes, taichi closed himself off in a room, listening to the playlists he made for you on loop for hours. but in his moments of weakness, taichi listened and listened and listened. he scoffed, you never even liked the songs to begin with. he felt silly for wasting his favorites on you)

(slowly, eventually, the songs sounded less like you. he began to enjoy them on the radio and sang along freely, your existence blocked from his train of thought)

taichi added to the conversation, putting in funny jokes everyone laughed at and it felt nice to be involved in other groups. they didn’t ignore him, or try to take advantage of his obvious need to be popular

(it was funny how taichi naturally became popular the moment he loved himself, like being happy was all it took)

he wasn’t clinging for the validation anymore, taichi knew he was funny. he was worth it. he was the best version of himself possible

the topic changed to the troupe’s show being premiered this weekend. taichi gladly accepted the ticket, promising to come and cheer on the cast the loudest he could

(he knew they’d do the same when autumn troupe performed. in fact, they did. it was so cool to see all the troupes on veludo way band together and support creativity)

taichi received a promotional poster, thanking the group as he headed back to the dorms. taichi glanced down at the names, nearing the door before skidding to a stop

your name was in bold, big letters. taichi almost didn’t recognize it, he nearly repressed you in his memory

taichi thought back on the love letters he stayed awake to write, nearly falling asleep as he forced himself to share his feelings honestly. remembered how you didn’t even look at them, how it looked like you’d rather do anything than try to understand him

taichi heard the playlists in his ears all at once, his favorite songs being dedicated to you and you hated them

taichi nearly opened his notebook to pen a letter for you, was about to start shuffling through the playlist before he stopped

he read your name. said it aloud. but that was it, taichi just stuffed the poster in his bag as he strolled in after his first year of university

you didn’t deserve any space in his mind after what you did, but it didn’t mean he couldn’t come support his friends

taichi refused to ever let you have the privilege of controlling any aspect of his life anymore, he was going to that damn show and would yell as loud as possible

taichi knew he wasn’t coming for you, but for people who actually liked him

when taichi went inside, he smiled as his friends greeted him enthusiastically. he was so lucky to be who he was today

on saturday night, taichi was on the edge of his seat as the play reached its climax. your acting, he hated to admit it, was almost on par with his. you were dominating the stage and then some, your energy easily bouncing off your cast mates. it’s like you were born for the stage

16–year–old taichi would have been insecure over his own abilities, sunk into his seat and reconsidered everything he did. maybe would have thought he should practice more, get advice, fix who he was

but 19–year–old taichi was older, wiser, better. just because you were good, didn’t mean he wasn’t any good. in fact, taichi smiled contently, he was sure he was just a bit better

(just a little, and his ego actually believed it)

taichi jumped to his feet to applaud rambunctiously when the cast came out to have a bow, whooping as he swung his arms around to get his friends’ attention

they all turned and waved, sending comedic air kisses as you finally recognized him, your face paling and hands shaking as you didn’t do anything

taichi just smiled, waiting as the audience cleared out and he was let into backstage only to be embraced by the sweaty, hyped cast

“taichi~ you made it!” they cheered and taichi grinned, ruffling the younger actor’s hair as his heart soared due to being seen as a mentor to the rookies. he noticed the way they admired him, wanted to be like him

(and for once in his life, taichi liked being his own person, too)

“of course! anything for my friends!” taichi returned the hug, being the last person to pull away as he individually greeted everyone with just as much excitement. backstage buzz was real and got everyone in the best mood ever

except, you

when taichi reached you, your face was nervous. almost, fearful. you looked wary, ready to bolt at any moment he opened his mouth

(and taichi realized he had the power. he could’ve exposed you right then and there. tell everyone what a manipulative, toxic, evil person you were for breaking his heart. for cheating on him when he did nothing but be loyal to you. you were trash, the gum at the bottom of shoe, and he could easily destroy your career if he just told everyone. they would trust him, you’d be over)

(if he was 16, he would’ve ended you. he would’ve shared all the awful, terrible, low things you did and you wouldn’t be anything anymore. the revenge was almost too good, he would actually win)

but... the hurt that was in him before, the pain that would’ve pushed him to have the upper hand, it wasn’t there. he didn’t feel anything towards you except he was sorry you weren’t with him anymore

(he was the best you ever had, he knew that)

instead, taichi smiled even bigger. he pulled a boquet of flowers from behind his back, the flowers he remembered were your favorite

“hey! long time no see!” taichi quickly pulled you in for a hug, your rigid posture against his chest as you awkwardly put your hands around him. taichi realized it was the first time you actually hugged him back, but he didn’t feel anything

taichi pretended that you stepped on his foot, pulling away with a dramatic “ouch!” as you widened your eyes, about to profusely say sorry before he waved it off

“come on, you don’t have to apologize for what happened! i forgive you, you know. we’re good.” taichi pretended to be talking about the minor issue, gesturing to his shoe as he handed you the flowers. but you understood he meant much more than that, and your eyes were brimmed with tears

“hey~ don’t cry! it was just a little boo boo, nothing time won’t fix.” taichi sympathetically pat your shoulder, knowng you didn’t deserve it. you were the one who wasn’t worthy this time, even you couldn’t believe taichi forgived you for all you done

but one smile and you knew he wasn’t lying

(even after all this time, he couldn’t hide his emotions. his heart was on his sleeve, but it was protected. it recovered. it healed)

taichi stood tall. stared you in the eye. stopped trailing after you like a lost puppy. you stepped back as the crowd took him back, inviting him to the afterparty as he happily agreed, knowing he was the life of the party

taichi didn’t even look back at you, like he completely forgot all about you

taichi didn’t talk to you for the rest of the night, but when he did, he was always the bigger person, acting like nothing ever happened

he really moved on, and he felt so sorry for you he had to forgive you

(you had texted him later that night, wanting to meet up to talk. taichi opened the message, almost laughed, and closed his phone. he left you on read, he deleted your number again)

taichi was his own person now; he wasn’t in love with you anymore, he was in love with himself

and he was enjoying himself

taichi didn’t look back, not anymore

[vintage-brass-tc]

2/24/2021

Hey y’all! Another pretty late post, but I cannot stop thinking about these two moments that occurred earlier, so I thought I’d share.

As I stated in the tags of the previous post regarding my day, M did end up coming to visit the class today! Sadly, he didn’t interact with me as much, but when he did it was amazing! W was pretty active today as well. |||||||||||||||||||||

When band began, I went to take out my instrument as usual. Its case is sat next to a student, and said student and I usually joke around with each other while I’m retrieving it.

This time, we joked around like always while I was getting stuff set up, but I ended up bumping their instrument slightly with my own. I didn’t notice, but they were like “woah! You were super close to hitting me,” then proceeded to tell me what I actually hit.

When I heard this, even though their lax attitude expressed that it was minuscule and didn’t affect anything, I still felt bad. “Sorry!” My voice raised a bit. W tilted his head in my direction, making me realize my volume. I settled down a little and spoke again. “Where did I hit it?”

They acknowledged my apology nicely and gestured to the ‘bell’ of their instrument. “Ahh,” I murmured, “dang it. Sorry..!” My face scrunched up, as I was unsure about what I should do.

They forgave me a second time with a smile. I went ahead and put my case up, since the conversation was presumably over. When I finished, I turned to my left.

W was staring at me.

His eyes were shocked and wide. No hint of a smile under his mask(his cheeks and eyes usually scrunch up). He didn’t even blink. My eyes widened right back at him. We stayed like this for five to six seconds, which felt like forever. After that whole fiasco, I returned to my seat, full of questions about what in the world just happened. He’s given me this look before, but usually only at times I’m playing, or enter the room. I didn’t do anything because I was lost in his gaze, but I’m not quite sure why he decided to keep it fixed on me.

I’m beginning to think that he assumed I hit the kid on accident, as he heard us joke around about it a bit, even pitching in with his own comments on some days. If not that, then maybe he thought I let out a moan or something when I was apologizing.

Hopefully it wasn’t anything too major. Maybe he’ll bring it up if I mention our stare-down........you know, unless it’s the latter. Then he probably won’t mention it. On the brighter side of things, W singularly called me out to be an example for the class during daily drills. It caught me off guard since it was completely out of nowhere, but I ended up doing pretty alright, I suppose. He had me play with one of the sections so they could “match how calm I sound”.  M perked up a bit when my name was first mentioned, which was cool!! After a few reps, he pitched in and gave the section some tips, then told us to play it another time. He smiled at me and said we sounded “more mature” now. He and W then smiled and nodded at each other, silently chattering together about something for a few seconds.  You two think you can butter me up with compliments? Well it’s working. It’s working really well. I’m sinking deeper into the quicksand pit of love with every look from you both.

|||||||||||||||||||||

Now! M moment!! Accompanied with some little extra things I thought y’all would like to see.

M strolled over to one of the people in my section who had a curly, sort of afro-like hairstyle. After jokingly making fun of them a little bit, he admitted to the kid he used to have a hairstyle like that as well, to my bewilderment.  In between reps for one of our pieces, I saw him showing the individual something on his phone. They were both smiling. Immediately I felt envious, since it was probably an image of M when he was younger, and you all know how you’d feel about seeing your TC your age.

I looked for about two seconds before snapping myself back into focus. I didn’t want M to be suspicious of my interest or annoyed about me butting into their interaction, so I decided to try not to dwell on it right now.  Next time I played, M speed-walked in front of me while grinning. (Looking at it now, he was probably trying to let me see W conduct, what a golden man.) He settled a foot or two behind and to the right of me. I could sort of see him in the reflection of my instrument in addition to the corner of my eye. It took everything not to look in his direction. To see how he looked at me—if he looked at me. 

When we were cut off, I noticed he was approaching from where he was situated behind me. Seeing him walk up to me from the back, even though I knew he was there, was something else for sure. So many anticipated nerves bouncing around in my brain. 

Anyway, I turned over him and my eyes were met with his clothed upper torso, or in other words, his chest. I felt my cheeks flush and adjusted my head upwards to meet his face, which was still beaming. He inched closer while he slowly set his phone in front of me. I could feel the warmth radiating off of his body. 

My eyes widened and my jaw dropped. I was absolutely gobsmacked by what I was seeing.  “This is YOU??” I asked him. “Yeah,” he replied smoothly. 

It was M. In an old, black and white middle/high school yearbook photo. His face was serious, his glasses were huge and sort of dorky, his clothes were neat, and his hair was in fact big, black, and curly. 

As cliché as it sounds, he was as gorgeous back then as he is now. I could definitely see him in his younger self. In hindsight, I probably should have taken in the photo more. 😳 Still remember a bit though.

I observed the photo again. “Oh my God, wow!!” I exclaimed, now turning to look at his face, which was about four and a half inches away from my own. He met my gaze with a joyous, entertained expression on his face. You could even almost say it was close to a loving look. His eyes were squinted softly as he was smiling really huge at my reaction. He ended the moment with a delicate, warm gaze before strolling away to another section.  I was feeling absolutely flawless in that moment, and I still am. He’s comfortable enough with me to reveal a picture of him when he was younger, and even alright with being literally four inches away from me. Furthermore, the greatest man in the world was showed me something personal! On his phone!! In a room full of people!!! Without caring a bit!!!! How wild is that!!!!!

M took it upon himself to do adorable things like looking near my direction giddily while rubbing his head(a habit of his I love), wearing his mask very obviously wrong and smiling like a child after it falls down, and sneaking glances at me, then looking away when I noticed.  He also stood right next to me when the whole class was directed to sing rhythms on a single note and left when it was finished. I love him so much. It was just a Concert F but he didn’t mind being near my voice. ADFHGH WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE HIM ||||||||||||||||||||| 

That should be all for today’s story blog! I’m thinking of maybe writing one of these interaction snippets every day or every other day— let me know what your opinion is on that! 

To end this post off, manifestation, again, really works. I manifested that I’d get to learn something personal about M, then boom. Picture of him when he was a kid.  To those also going to school tomorrow, whether it be online or in person, best of luck getting to interact with your TCs. If you aren’t able to interact with them at the moment, I feel for you. The moment will come, but until then I wish you the best of luck on pushing through the day without them. <3

[jlf23tumble]

Top 10 Niche Interests

Fixations? Obsessions? This is incredibly hard because I have wayyyy too many niche interests, so instead of stressing about it, I tried to channel the 10 things that immediately speak to me and maybe aren't so obvious from what I post here, like how much I'm obsessed with wigs, doll furniture, incredibly specific blogs, all forms of clothing with pockets, swimming pools, whimsical bus stops, over-the-top bathrooms, etc. etc Instead, I opted for some specifics that feel a little more evergreen and long tailed, like, so LIFE-long tailed that it's tough to nail down when or how they became part of the national psyche. I thank @alienfuckeronmain​ for the initial tag, and I'm tagging her AGAIN for round two because I know she has a billion additional niche things, and she'll post them, and I'll scream because it'll trigger five other things I neglected to post here, and I'll probably post my own round two, arggggh, insert aggressive sighing. Anyway, I tag ANYONE who wants to do it, just tag me so I can see! 

1. Indoor Trees

I have no idea why this concept PULLS so hard because houseplants are kind of meh to me, but you want to plant an entire-ass TREE indoors, in the place where you live? Me, too, and I'd add a conversation pit plus a combo gold/red bathroom, among other things, and, bam, we're in my imaginary dream home, which I have literally, constantly ALWAYS mentally constructed from the time I was about six or so. (If you're curious, it has multiple themed rooms, and the closest I've seen to it recently is the outstanding Dita von Teese AD feature, but Amy Sedaris’s apartment comes close, too). There are two (2) 1960s houses in Long Beach with magnificent indoor trees, but I can't find them online, so have this modern interpretation and cry with me about how I can't visit the multi-story fake tree inside Clifton's Cafeteria for a good long while:

2. Conventions of Fans of Any Kind

One thing that I don't think I'll ever lose is how much I *love* people who are fans of SOMETHING, people who have a passion and create something about it or cosplay it or simply gather to celebrate it and connect to other people through it. The Internet provides in all kinds of ways, but I'm talking specifically about IRL conventions and the way my heart pitter pats when I first walk in those doors, SWOON! And it doesn’t matter how big the convention is or how random, I've been to smaller events like CatCon and the My Little Pony convention all the way up to biggies like WonderCon and Comic Con, and I have yet to be disappointed. I might know jack shit about what I'm walking into, but I want to see the merch, hear about the panels, and check out the people who are fucking PUMPED to be there. Sadly, I think it's gonna be a lonnnnng time until these come back, but I can live vicariously through my old photos, sigh:

3. Dutch Wax Fabrics and African Fashion

I'm not the snazziest of dressers, but textiles, colors, and patterns have been an obsession that has soothed my visual soul for as long as I can literally remember. Wax fabric marries all three of those touchpoints, plus throws in a healthy dose of style, and I count myself lucky to have seen two big exhibits on the subject (this was one of them), oh, how I wish there were more! For sure, there's a fucked up underlying colonial/imperialist history here, but there's also humor and color and vibrancy, a reclamation of sorts, and multiple levels of fashion that take my breath away. I cannot do the different patterns justice at all, but the fan motif is one of my faves:

4. Hearst Castle vs. Madonna inn

These two fall into my #home tag because they're where I'm from, and they speak to me as equally sublime and ridiculous, camp and kitsch writ large and small, different (yet similar!) versions of Xanadu that two rich white men built as shrines to their own personal "taste." And the irony is that a lot of people shit on Alex Madonna for being tacky (the Madonna Inn is...uh, something else), yet praise WR Hearst for all the high-class art and architecture, most of which is fully lifted from desperate churches between and after world and yet they're both more or less the same concept (lodging for weary travelers, self-aggrandizement, questionable taste-mixing). Hearst Castle edges out slightly for me because it's bigger and has spectacular scenery and history, plus it gives me doses of LA noir thanks to the way Hearst killed a guy in a jealous Charlie Chaplin-related rage and Hedda Hopper covered it up, all kinds of old Hollywood shenanigans happened up there, etc. But I'm low-key an expert on both houses of the holy, I'm OBSESSED with both, and we can leave it at that. I mean, come on:

5. Snow Globes

I had to cull my personal collection slightly just to fit it all on the dedicated shelf in my bathroom, and I seriously need to refill all the water lines, but nothing beats a snow globe in terms of memorable souvenir, especially when you put it in a bathroom. The majesty!!! The jewel of my collection is the one from Sherwood Forest because WHY NOT celebrate a historic place and moment in the basic way?? He robbed from the rich to give to the poor, and the gift shop about 100 feet from the tree he hid in does the same! The circle of life! The irony of all the watermarks on this blessed image...protect:

6. Highly Specific Museums

Look, we can all agree that the more venerated museums in the world are a form of garbage in terms of what they represent, what they've done, and who runs them, but I'm here for the museums that collect and celebrate things that tend to get overlooked. There are too many to list that I love that are still thriving, so I'm going to say goodbye to four recently departed faves. RIP to the Pez museum, I'm so glad I saw you and purchased your stale candy souvenirs. RIP to the museum of terrible food, you were a pop up when Phoenix and I saw you, and I will forever think about the worker describing people literally vomiting during their visits. RIP to the currywurst museum in Berlin, I've had currywurst exactly once and it was not for me, but I respect the Journey you took me on, including obscure east German TV shows that helped make you so popular (??). Finally, RIP to the velvet painting museum, there's no way to mince words, the person who owned you was crazy AS FUCK and had zero clue how to run a business, but I'm so glad I saw you multiple times and purchased my own velvet treasure (not this exact one, but remarkably similar):

7. Liminal Spaces: Grocery Store Edition

Confession time for those who don't know me all that well, I'm a big time voyeur, and nothing fills my heart with joy like a walk at 7 or 8 pm, the witching hour when people haven't pulled the curtains, and I can scope out their decorations/furnishings without it being "weird." Another confession is how much I unabashedly adore grocery stores in other countries and will spend at least an hour wandering aisle by aisle, falling in love with how much everything is different yet completely the same:

8. Agatha Christie Novels:

As a child, I was a fairly compliant reader--I had to read something for school? Okay! For my mom? Sounds good! But the books that sparked the initial fire for me to read something purely for myself were second-hand (probably fourth- or fifth-hand, judging by cover art) Agatha Christie short story anthologies, which were the gateway drug to full Agatha Christie novels, then other mystery novels, and so on. But getting back to Agatha, I obviously loved all the stories, but every decade spawned incredibly good cover art (like, exceptionally good), and this particular artist's are right up near the top for me (I go back and forth on a lot of the '50s and '60s ones):

9. Scopitones

I link my obsession with scopitones both to my love of music videos in general and a shop in Austin, TX, that sold DVD compilations of them in particular, but either way, they're underappreciated and kitschy all in one! Francoise Hardy and the rest of the ye-ye's are my forever girls for this medium, but seemingly every country cranked them out, both actual set videos and "live" performances? If you don't know what they are, scopitones were machines that played music videos in French cafes in the '60s (??), so it was sort of your proto-MTV way to see your faves sing and dance. Oh, Francoise...so moderne!!

10. Cover Songs

I have so much patience and love for cover songs of any stripe, the more genre-bending and/or surprising, the better! My only minor beef is the trend in slooooooooowing down songs to make a point, but even those ones have a special place in my heart if they're effective. Live Lounge feeds my hunger the best, but my meta fave for representing this concept is Pulp's Bad Cover Version, which was already lyrically INSPIRED, a song about bad cover versions in terms of relationships, but then they did a video that was a visual "bad" cover version, with actors lip synching over an audio "bad" cover version, and all of it just worked? The cover for the single is someone in the band as a boy, making his own bad cover version of a Bowie album cover, it's meta meta meta, and I love love love, here's the video, if you're curious. In the more sublime cover category, I'm absolutely addicted to all of Orville Peck's covers, I truly hope he officially releases them sometime soon, but I wholeheartedly support any artist who does it:

[ohhellnowhy]

Happy Birthday, Sammy.

In honour of Sam Winchester’s birthday, I decided to write some smut for him. Thought I’d start off my blog with a lil present. Plz be nice, it’s only my first smut, and constructive criticism and comments are always welcomed! Go for a request if you want one. I’ve got a couple more posts planned but if y’all request something I’m more likely to write!

Please reblog with credit and don’t repost without my permission onto other sites. The AO3 post: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23993437

Sam x Reader: smut, swearing, slightly Dom!Sam, restraints.

I woke up slightly groggily next to Sam. It was crazy sometimes, how he was so warm, despite me being on the other side of the bed and barely touching him. But what was a little strange was waking up next to him. Usually, Sam would’ve been up and out for his run by now, maybe even back by the time I’d awoken, but Sam, Dean and I had been out for a relatively taxing hunt and drove back to the bunker more or less immediately after getting the job done. So Sam was particularly sleepy today and wouldn’t go on a run until later. 

Glancing at the time, I saw it was 09:03. A strange time for me to be up and Sam not to be. Then the realisation dawned. Today was May 2nd; Sam’s birthday. I figured my subconscious must have made me wake up earlier so I could put my plans into action. Oh, and boy, did I have plans.

Part 1: Birthday wake-up blowjob.

Smirking almost evilly, I slowly peeled back the covers from the both of us and positioned myself just next to his crotch. I then palmed his cock through his boxers, noticing the morning wood that was slightly growing beforehand, whilst slowly edging the underwear down. Sam groaned above me, but not waking up yet. Once the boxers were down enough, I started softly stroking him enough for him to get harder, but only slowly so he wouldn’t wake up before the best bit. Sam was still making some happy noises, now a little bit louder and complimented by a little bit of squirming. 

It was the perfect time to engulf his cock with my mouth, and Sam shot awake with a deep groan. “Ah, SHIT, (Y/N). That’s a wonderful wake up call.” I looked back up at him and hollowed my cheeks, sucking with earnest. I bobbed my head up and down his length, drawing stifled groans from the glorious, messy man above me. I flicked my tongue over the head of his dick, making him thrust up into my mouth which consequently made me gag. Trying to suppress the reflex, I took him down further into my throat. “Oh, God, (Y/N), I’m gonna-” With the obvious statement he was making, I cupped his balls and circled his cock with my tongue, swallowing around him as he came. Once I swallowed all his cum, I sat back up to give him a quick peck on the lips.

“Happy Birthday, Sammy.” Once he got his breath together, he actually formulated a coherent response. “Oh, yeah. I sorta forgot about that.”

“How do you forget your own birthday?” I questioned, looking at him incredulously. “Well, we never really celebrated birthdays.” He shrugged. “I guess there always seemed to be more important things to focus on.”

“And that attitude is why I’m making your birthdays more important to you. They’re good milestones and an excuse to have fun. Remember Dean’s birthday this year? Wasn’t it fun to just get away from hunting a little bit and enjoy quality time?” He sighed. admitting defeat. “Yeah, I guess you’re right.” We then sat and just held each other for a bit, talking about just whatever we wanted for an hour or two. “Thank you for the wake up by the way. We need to have morning sex more often.”

“I totally agree with you. We don’t do it nearly enough - barely ever.” With that, he captured my lips with his, tenderly and sloppily making out. He started to grab my ass, trying to pull my shorts down but I cut him off. “Nuh-uh. We’ve got other plans today. Why don’t you go for your run first?” He whined, trying to give me the puppy dog eyes but I resisted. “Nope. You want me to get you anything from the kitchen before you go out?” Sam sighed, knowing that once I knew for certain I was going to do something, I wasn’t ever giving up. “Can I get an apple and a bottle of water please?”

“Sure thing.” I smirked, getting out of bed and walking to the kitchen to retrieve the requested items. Dean was also in the kitchen, cleaning up the dishes from breakfast. “Hey, Dean, Sam’s off out for his run - we’ve got to start now.” With that, he strode out of the kitchen to get Jack and Cas for the preparation. I grabbed the apple and a bottle of water from the fridge - Sam always had cold bottles of water kept in the fridge for quickness - and met Sam on his way out. “Thanks, Babe.” He said, giving me a quick kiss before heading out.

It was time for Part 2: Just a Small Birthday Party

Once the rest were assembled in the kitchen, I set out tasks. “Dean and Cas - you’re in charge of the decorations. We need some in here and around the map room. Jack - we’re gonna do the cake. Decorations are in my old room. Go.”

Dean and Cas scurried off, realising they were time limited. Jack got the ingredients out and measured them whilst I got the utensils and the like out and started preparing. Jack was watching my baking intently, clearly wanting to learn something as interesting and delicious as this. I narrated what I was doing, with reasons as to why with my limited knowledge. I wasn’t the best baker in the world, but every now and then I did something that surprised the Winchesters. Soon, the cake was in the oven, and Dean and Cas were already pretty much finished in all the rooms. Jack and I cleaned up the baking mess (complete with licking the spare batter off the spoons and whisks) and started preparing the decorations for the cake and making other foods. Dean was cooking gourmet burgers and homemade chips - he actually had quite the affinity for cooking and had more time to perfect it once they’d moved into the bunker.

Just as Jack and I were about to decorate the cake, Cas came rushing in to tell us he heard one of the garage doors closing, meaning Sam must be back. I told Cas to take over what I was doing with Jack whilst I distracted Sam for just a little while longer until we were ready. Coming into our shared bedroom to see Sam stripping out of his workout clothes, I tempted him with the prospect of us showering together and another blowjob. He took the bait and we very much enjoyed the bunker’s long-lasting hot water and stable water pressure. 

Once we were cleaned up, I noticed Dean had shot me a text saying they were ready. “Hey, Sam, I think Dean’s cooking those nice burgers we get from the butcher’s - you up for food?” Hearing his stomach grumble, he shot me a look that said it all.

A little nervous, Sam and I wandered towards the kitchen. Turning on the lights, which he seemed confused at as to why they were off, Jack, Cas and Dean stood up to shout “SURPRISE!” along with me behind him. Jack and Dean joking pulled some party poppers as Sam took in some decorations. A banner that stated “Happy Birthday!” In a surprisingly nice, simple colour was strung above the table, with a few more obnoxiously stereotypical balloons in one corner and some presents wrapped near them. “Aw, thanks guys! You didn’t have to do this for me.” Dean spoke first, joking that his little brother was “-getting older by the minute so they had to stave off the grumpiness as long as possible.” He also revealed the burgers he was cooking with an assortment of sides and fillings available. We all served up our lunches and cracked open a beer each. 

As we ate lunch, we talked about all sorts; Dean’s surprisingly good cooking, Cas eating on a rare occasion, retelling old stories and teasing at embarrassing moments - we were all content and having a good time. Jack and I dumped the dishes in the sink to tend to later as we brought out the cake and Jack lit all the candles for us. He cut the lights as I carried the cake to the table and decided not to sing happy birthday as only Dean and I knew the song and it would only be awkward otherwise. “Make a wish!” I said as Sam blew out his candles, Cas then questioning these strange human customs moments later. Sam cut some cake for us all and the others appreciated my baking skills. 

“Okay, time for presents!” Dean announced, taking the whole pile of gifts and dumping them on the table just as Cas cleaned the rest of the plates away. The first was from Cas - neatly wrapped were some old lore books that, somehow, the Winchesters had never got their hands on before yet Castiel somehow did. Jack had gotten Sam a plaid shirt and a big photo album with a few old photos he got from Dean and some more recent ones that had been taken on various occasions - but there was still lots of room for more. I gave Sam a box of chocolates and a couple of fiction books Sam had been meaning to read for a long time but he had just never got round to. Finally came Dean’s gift; a pair of Lycra shorts and other pretentious but cheap workout clothing that were just utterly ridiculous. But then in all seriousness Dean handed Sam a box that, once unwrapped, revealed a new tablet. Sam was particularly ecstatic with this gift, but then he profusely thanked us all again for the presents. Jack went on with washing the dishes (with angel powers) whilst Dean and Cas cleared up some rubbish from the unwrapping. 

I helped Sam carry the presents to his room. As he bent over to put the new shirt in one of his drawers, I came up behind him and snaked my arms around his waist and propped my head up on his shoulder. “Ya know, those chocolates and the books weren’t the only presents you’re receiving from me today.” He turned around to face me and smirked knowingly. “Oh? And what would be the other present?” 

“Let me show you.” 

I grabbed a bag hidden in the wardrobe, and dashed off to the bathroom to change.

The last part - Part 3: Amazing Birthday Sex.

Sam’s POV

Waiting in anticipation, I thought I knew what to expect but I also didn’t. I presumed it was birthday sex or some variation thereof, but whatever twist (Y/N) was putting on it I couldn’t tell. I was snapped out of my thoughts by a text I’d just received - from Dean. It read:

Me, Cas and Jack are off to a hunt in Washington - leaving you two to have some alone time. It should be a pretty simple hunt, but we’ll be about 3 days. I’ll only call if it’s desperate. Stay safe and have fun, birthday brother ;)

I sent back a quick, thankful reply as I realised (Y/N) had planned all of this. The sly, stunning dog had planned this all out and roped the rest of them in aswell. Not that I was complaining, simply noticing the effort (Y/N) had put into this. God, she was amazing; on every single level. 

Speaking of the devil, she sauntered in at that point, looking absolutely delicious on every level. She wore a red, lacy matching set of lingerie that made me almost drool at the sight of her. Her cleavage displayed perfectly and teasingly as it was framed by her bra, and the completely lace panties accentuating her figure in the best possible way. “Like what you see?” She said tauntingly, one hip cocked out sassily. “Oh, fuck yeah.” I replied, striding purposefully over and crashing my lips into hers, holding her face in my hands. 

She pulled away and said: “Hang on. I’ve got something else for you.” (Y/N) told me to sit on the edge of the bed, hold out my hands and close my eyes. I then felt her sat on the bead, nearer to the headrest but then lent forward to place two objects in my hands. Before I could try to assess what they were by touch alone, she said I could open my eyes. I immediately looked down to see a pair of leather-lined handcuffs and a long, silk rectangle of fabric. It was obvious what they were for. “You want me to use these on you?”

“You can do whatever you want with them. The control’s all on you, birthday boy.”

I groaned at all the filthy thoughts running a millions miles an hour through my head and almost leapt on (Y/N) to kiss her. I positioned her to lay beneath me, her starting to unfasten the buttons on my shirt. Bringing up her wrists to the headboard, I scolded her gently. “Ah, ah ah.” I stopped her, fastening her hands together with the handcuffs, attaching them to the headboard so she was stuck in one position. 

“The control’s all on me, little girl.”

She let out a shaky breath at this.

We both knew it was going to be one hell of a night.

[dansnaturepictures]

My 10 wildlife and photography highlights of 2020 blogs: Blog 2: Experiences with my favourite birds this year: Part 2 of 2-Close to home (Favourite birds seen at Lakeside and home and mentions of young birds, springtime species and relatively rarer birds I saw at local Lakeside)

One lunch time daily exercise walk whilst working from home in strict lockdown that stood out was when I saw three smashing Great Crested Grebes up close at my heartland as such for them Lakeside. It was actually on the day our dog Ruby passed away in mid-April. But seeing these birds proved a perfect point of escapism and cheered me up a lot that day. They were nesting by this point which is always interesting to see and I was able to get quite close to them and see their nests. Being up close I remarked how rarely you do see these birds up close and I loved focusing on their distinctive and very well coloured markings. It was amazing seeing not one but two nests I remember when I first saw them here there was only really one pair but they are doing so well at this very local location for us which I was so happy with. I took the first picture in this photoset of one that day. All of this really made me nostalgic of the early days I saw them here and what a big moment that was with us identifying them for my birdwatching early on. It was a great feeling which made me feel why I love these birds too. That day also I took some of many pictures of Lesser Black Backed Gulls at Lakeside a pair of striking and well coloured birds I enjoyed getting very close to at Lakeside at various points in 2020. The next Tuesday the lakes of Lakeside were teeming with Great Crested Grebes during a daily exercise walk I saw so many with some on each lake and got so close to a few of them again. I was so happy to see this again. This was on a generally brilliant walk that day where I also got a surprise first sighting of a Common Tern this year for me, one of a band of species I don’t normally see over Lakeside for the first time in years especially which I did this year which taught me to value my local patch a lot as when I’m constantly there I can see special things which was a big theme of the lockdown and working from home days as I mention so much in these posts.

Little Egret flying over the house in April stood out during this time and again a few times in May. On the Thursday that followed the Common Tern walk I had another daily exercise walk at Lakeside where I saw more Great Crested Grebes and had a lovely intimate moment on a sunny and hot day as a Little Egret perhaps the same as the one that I saw over the house flew right over my head which looked great against a bright blue sky and I enjoyed so much. I took the second picture in this photoset of this bird. This was another precious moment with a common member of my group of favourite birds that kept my spirits up during the lockdown. That day also I enjoyed seeing and photographing my first goslings of the spring a group of Greylag Geese and a territorial Mute Swan noisily chasing Canada and Greylag geese around which was exciting to watch. The following Friday I saw Great Crested Grebes well again here as well as an even closer view of a territorial Mute Swan chasing Greylag Geese which really stood out and I saw and photographed Canada Geese goslings there that day too here which was great. Carrying on with a more general note of a big highlight of my year that was observing nesting and territorial in breeding season birds over Lakeside and indeed at home with the young of many birds coming into the garden a lot throughout the spring during the lockdown, the circus of breeding season observations continued as I saw and photographed a Moorhen bringing material to its partner and chick on their nest to reinforce the structure. That day I did see a Great Crested Grebe closely yet again at Lakeside and from my room alongside a raptor hat trick of Buzzard, Red Kite and Sparrowhawk I got the big moment of seeing my first Swifts of 2020 out my window. This continued over Lakeside the next day on a lunch exercise walk as I saw Coot chicks and Mallard ducklings very close, the Greylag goslings again I went on to see them many times on walks as they got bigger, heard a Swift and saw Great Crested Grebes once more. This set the tone for a few nice days and into the following week in great weather seeing and hearing Swifts over Lakeside. A bird that kept my hope up of getting year ticks as we went into the first lockdown and travel was restricted and a bird you can see all over that I really enjoyed seeing at home and keeping me connected to nature this year. I would go onto see and photograph the Coot and Moorhen chicks on nests, the former swimming and the ducklings and both types of goslings multiple times on the walks.

On a sunny and boiling Lakeside lunch time exercise walk on 26th May I was thrilled to see Great Crested Grebes on each lake again. On one lake behind them I saw something I’d wanted to for many a lunch time here this year when a Kingfisher darted past. I then looked in the binoculars and saw two on a branch with one feeding the other so probably one was young. I took the third picture in this photoset of one. This was a sensational moment for me it really made me happy as I hadn’t seen a Kingfisher for months by that point not since what I talked about in my last highlights post for them I don’t think. That day I also saw the regular Greylag and Canada Geese families both with their goslings looking really big by that point. A fantastic spring walk. On a similarly hot and sunny lunch time walk that following Thursday with me knowing where they liked to sit now I saw a Kingfisher again on the same lake in the same area with my bridge camera with me that day to zoom in a bit more with pictures I took so I was thrilled to see one again. That day it was a hat trick with Great Crested Grebes seen on and a Buzzard soaring beautifully over against a blue sky a busy main lake beach lake with a few other of my key species of the lockdown era around that day too around that lake and generally on the walk. I heard a Green Woodpecker that walk too. I had a brilliant favourite bird moment at Lakeside on 3rd June when after hearing them on a few of the walks beforehand I got cracking views of a Green Woodpecker flying right beside me on a grey and pretty wet day. I gasped a bit when I first saw it as I had not actually seen one for a little while and it was so nice seeing its features and why I love it so close to me. A great example of how nature allowed me to still have so much love and excitement for the world around me whilst working from home. The next day it was nice to see a Great Crested Grebe pair building a nest, a new family of Mallard ducklings on the pond in the nature reserve, the Greylag Geese goslings not looking much like goslings at all looking very much older with adult feathers etc. and the Canada Geese goslings big too. I would soon see the Canada Geese goslings on a walk there on 19th June looking very grown up as well. Nice moments in that journey I loved having this spring with these young birds here, I also heard a Great Spotted Woodpecker making an alarm call in the woods that day, a working day I took an especially large amount of photos which was great. On 29th June I was happy to see Great Crested Grebes doing a bit of fishing at Lakeside, a day I saw alongside the grebes the only common aquatic bird I had yet to see offspring from on my journey following nesting at Lakeside at that stage a Mute Swan with an adorable little cygnet. That Thursday I saw a couple of Great Crested Grebes on nests here again which I liked throughout the summer I got great views of the Great Crested Grebes on nests, and a Kingfisher darted out right in front of me over a lake when I was having one of my best birding moments of the year another working from home Lakeside lunch time gem and a find on my patch I felt when I saw four Common Sandpipers on and by the lake my first of the year. A bird we had struggled to see until that point due to the travel restrictions a little so this was a relief and a delight and one of my best wildlife moments whilst working from home headlining that key club of birds that may be common elsewhere but are quite a turn up for books at my very local urban country park Lakeside.

On 13th July I spotted a young looking Great Crested Grebe at Lakeside it looked big so I was unsure if it was one of this year’s chicks but amazing for me to see if it was. That summer’s day it was also memorable to see Swifts gliding in the sky and the Mute Swan pair with a big fish they were trying to eat which I took a photo of. That following Wednesday I got a great view of a Buzzard at Lakeside flying over. On 29th July it was nice to see a Green Woodpecker briefly at Lakeside at lunch time, a strong day for birds by summer so normally quieter season standards as I saw Stock Doves at Lakeside, House Martin there and really well on the way and a Sparrowhawk flying from my bedroom window whilst working that morning. On 29th August a Saturday evening I was thrilled when a Sparrowhawk came into our garden and I saw and photographed it as it flew off on a neighbouring fence I was so happy to see it one of my best garden bird and wildlife moments this year.

Going back to July the next day I got the moment I had been waiting for with the principal party of my platoon of favourite birds I could see and loved doing so whilst working from home when I finally saw a Great Crested Grebe pair the main one I had witnessed nest building on Concorde lake in the south west of the site with two adorable little chicks on the back of one on the lake. The last of the common water birds I was to see chicks of here this year it really was a journey like no other in 2020 witnessing the bird breeding season here which was an amazing opportunity for me. This was a fantastic moment and I enjoyed a great bit of time that lunch time watching them in the binoculars, photographing them and in aw of them with their little famous humbug stripes for markings. Here I witnessed the fascinating behaviour to see one of the adult birds rolling over, plucking white feathers from its belly and feeding them to the chicks. They do this to help with pellets and early digestion in their life cycle whilst they learn to fish. I also heard the chicks calling which was lovely and as I was transfixed on them one went under water and came back up before getting back onto the parent’s back. What a natural moment on a hot summer’s day that uplifted me to no end I took so many photos that day too landscape and wildlife. The next day I got brilliant views of the Great Crested Grebes and chicks again on the same lake, here photos and binocular views revealed there were three of the chicks and not two as I thought before. It was brilliant to see them on one parent’s back with another parent fishing and hunting on the lake. It bought back a dragon or damselfly to feed to a chick and it was wonderful to see a little chick have a swim that day too. It was great to photograph them with my bridge camera that day which I would have done with the Peregrine chicks another of my favourite birds in Winchester if I wasn’t working at home. Great Crested Grebe very much filled the hole with others of seeing them every lunch time as the main favourite birds I saw whilst working from home and watching chicks absolutely added to that more. I enjoyed brilliant views of them that hot day a real day of young birds and intimate moments with Moorhen chick and a young Robin seen well at Lakeside too the Robin walked through my legs which was nice. That next week the Great Crested Grebe chicks some celebrity birds with lots of people coming to see them became something it was an honour to see again and again on lunch time walks, becoming a bit like the Peregrines I would usually see often with chicks every day whilst in the office on lunch and it was similar to them with the atmosphere around them too. It was great to chat to a fellow person photographing the grebe family at the lake that Tuesday.

On that day as well as seeing and taking some photos of one parent with the adorable chicks on its back when I walked to the far end of the lake I got a shock when as I looked over it as a group of Mallards and the other of the Great Crested Grebe pair whilst fishing darted out from under a fishing jetty area. I saw and photographed it splash which was amazing too a strong theme for me this year photographing birds splashing and this new camera of mine does seem to do it well with water droplets. What struck me when watching this handsome adult bird is, with the greatest respect to Mallards it was with, how much the shape and colours of the bird made it stand out against them. And I am incredibly biased as it is one of my favourite birds but for a bird you actually don’t very often see close to other species it reminded me what standout birds they are which reminded me why I first fell in love with them and I just had a brilliant moment with this one that day another highlight of my days working from home. That Wednesday I noticed from a distance the bird with chicks on its back looked very close to a fishing jetty on the other side of the lake. So I raced there to see them very closely and I was delighted to they are such beautiful birds. It was fantastic to watch them as ripples of the water were born to a gentle breeze. Being so close in binoculars and the naked eye it was great to really look at the female with chicks and look it in the eye as such. Seeing the focus in its face waiting to see where its partner would emerge from under the water, and then gently shifting herself at a greater speed to go towards the partner. More fascinating behaviour it felt brilliant to see. The next day I noticed a young chick on the water for an extended period and not on the Mum’s back which was interesting, a day I saw two Bullfinches really well at Lakeside. The next day an extremely hot one I was delighted to see the grebe family again with one swimming on its own after a food fish pass from the father which was fantastic to see and I got a close view of the father that Friday evening. That lunch time I got great views of both Buzzard and another raptor the Kestrel at Lakeside a memorable duo.

The next week I got anticipated looks at the three chicks directly on the water and not on their Mum’s back. This was fantastic to see, and it was great to see both parents bring them food that lunch time. Especially memorable that, like swans the month before I saw here with a massive fish showing the strength of Lakeside as a diverse urban site for fish its obviously popular for fishing, one of the adult Great Crested Grebes brought in a gigantic fish for the chicks! They had a go at eating it but with a Black-headed Gull another star Lakeside bird this year chasing the grebes after the fish the adult eventually swallowed it to save the meal possibly to regurgitate later. Brilliant and precious moments with these birds again presenting great unique photo opportunities too. That Thursday I saw the grebes again the chicks looking bigger and bigger, as well as Buzzard which I saw and photographed right over the path the same spot as May which I talk about below with the two and I also saw a Kestrel further down the path over the nature reserve again that day too. The next day I saw Buzzard and Great Crested Grebes and chicks again at Lakeside, I loved watching the chicks swimming along and trying to guess which one would get the fish when the adult brought one in witnessing a particularly good food pass close by. That evening after a day and week I got views of many brilliant birds generally and in numbers some true standout species beside some of my favourite birds in the garden/from home and at Lakeside I had a highlight of the year when the week after seeing my first of 2020 out the window we had a dusk Lakeside walk and saw at least two bats skimming over beach lake. Beautiful summer night vibes. Exceptional natural moments and unique to witness and take in the landscape and birds I was so familiar with in the day in darkness. That next Monday a lunch time walk I saw the Environment Agency pump increasing dissolved oxygen levels in the water for the good of fish in one of Lakeside’s lakes after they decreased in hot weather creating an interesting waterfall looking feature from a far in the landscape which was lovely, I got chatting at a safe social distance to a man about this and also about why predation meant the Great Crested Grebes have failed to rear chicks here prior to 2020 for so long. Which explained why they put a barrier up by the nest and it was heartening to feel how the pair were helped. I went on to see that gentleman quite a few times on my walks and talk now and again which was nice. As if to further celebrate the success when I saw the two adults and three chicks that walk I saw the young living up to their grebe instincts and diving for the first time a key milestone for the birds and a key part of how they’ll need to live as adults which it was amazing to witness. The diving continued as I got very close to them the next day and I noted that it was interesting that when you see an adult dive which is interesting you sort of don’t see a trace of it and trying to pick up where it will go is hard. But with the chicks the shape of them just sort of stays or lingers near the top and as they were learning they quite often pop back up. It was quite cute to see in a way. That lunch time I also got a really good Green Woodpecker view in such a strong area for them the nature reserve meadow fenced off area I saw the Stock Doves there too and a House Martin very nicely. That Thursday I enjoyed the Great Crested Grebe family and House Martins again at Lakeside and also was surprised to see a terrapin and a big fish very close to the edge of the lake at Lakeside a day of unique wildlife or animals in a wild environment for me to see staying long in the memory on a very hot day.

On 25th August I enjoyed seeing the three Great Crested Grebe chicks and parents at Lakeside on a different lake the adjoining one to the one they usually were. It was amazing to see that they were now really moving about within the country park a great stage at their development as wild birds. I saw them on this lake two days later on a glorious late summer’s evening in the sunshine on a day there was a thunderstorm in the afternoon. A couple of views of them and a Buzzard flying over there stood out the next day a generally good one. More distant views of them followed the next week as I felt so used to having them around. I had a memorable Buzzard day on 4th September seeing two soaring out of my window and then hear one call by a wooded areas at Lakeside and then see one speedily fly right over my head there at evening. A particularly memorable day especially for birds as I enjoyed seeing Stock Doves, Common Terns, Great Crested Grebe, many garden birds and more as well In a week that after the usual summer lull of seeing birds common included I was seeing so many day to day whilst working from home and photographing them I took so many photos that day with many I am proud of. The following Monday I was thrilled to get a really close view of two very grown up looking Great Crested Grebe chicks along with another cracking Stock Dove view at Lakeside. Alongside favourite birds of mine at Lakeside on 10th September a very sunny and hot day I was thrilled to see a Kestrel one of my star birds of working from home walks fly and hover right over my head in glorious sunshine allowing for great photo opportunities. Quite often whilst working from home when I’ve seen a Kestrel at Lakeside I’ve gone onto make it a raptor double and see a Buzzard one of my favourite birds too or vice versa. I heard one here that day and then over the southernmost lake I saw a Buzzard soaring against a blue sky which was very nice and in a nice setting. I then on this lake caught up with a Great Crested Grebe chick and one parent I got nicely close to them. It was good to see this young one so much bigger against the adult by this point and also to see it plucking one of the adult’s feathers was interesting. I mentioned when I first saw these chicks I observed an adult picking its own feather to feed to the chicks as is done in Great Crested Grebe development to help their digestion. So to see the chick confidently doing it was amazing and came full circle really. The next day I noticed two Great Crested Grebe chicks barely recognisable as chicks they looked so big and saw one scratching itself with its foot which was great with adults seen too, as well as Kestrel and Sparrowhawk seen that day which was nice the latter being mobbed by a Carrion Crow. I saw a Buzzard soaring over from my room quite well the next day which was great. On the Monday that followed I got a close Great Crested Grebe view at Lakeside which was nice.

The next day as I walked along the main path at Lakeside towards the lakes through the two fenced off areas I was delighted to watch a beautiful Buzzard glide against a bright blue sky for a bit one of my favourite sights in nature which I have observed here so much this year and at home and loved it. On the lake here that very hot day I was relieved and thrilled to see the three Great Crested Grebe chicks on the lake one was on the lakes. I was happy to watch them in the binoculars swimming and diving like the adults. I was relieved though as I got so used to seeing these baby birds day in day out mostly and before that day I’d started to only see two, one of the three or none at all on walks so I sort of wanted to know they were all okay and progressing naturally. I was treated that day to see them all then. It was very lovely to see not only how big they have got but how one in particular was showing a nice bit of adult colouring. I was very excited to see these birds. That Thursday I loved seeing one chick speed towards one visible parent and its siblings on the lake a good moment of viewing. The next day I got some fantastic moments viewing two adults and the three chicks, really seeing the grownup chicks dive well with their plumage really looking like they were about to go into adult colours and seeing some interesting food passes from adult to chick I loved seeing the chick swallow quite a big fish. This was all to the backdrop of some stunning blue water on the lakes reflecting the heatwave on another great sunny day for bridge camera photos of them to compliment the ones I’ve got with my DSLR of them this year I’ve used both so many times for them I just had a feeling this would be a slightly more long-distant specialist bridge camera day and so it proved to top off a strong week for me for the grebes. Photos I’ve taken of the Great Crested Grebe family at Lakeside so far this year have included the fourth-eighth in this photoset.

On a rare weekend Lakeside walk in the early stages of the autumn the day we travelled home from Norfolk in September it was nice to see the Great Crested Grebe chicks from a far on the lake with an adult looking very much older now after not seeing them for a week my longest run not seeing them so it was great to see them. On the Monday that followed I saw and photographed all three being surprised again by how big and much like the adults they were then and feeling proud of the journey I’d witnessed with them and enjoyed so much this year. It was on a generally amazing and packed just under an hour lunch time walk at Lakeside where I also got another close favourite bird view of a Green Woodpecker flying and landing, as well as see three Stock Doves quite well again, the Tufted Ducks after not doing so far a while here, manage to have the Mute Swans follow me along the footpath when out of the water, simultaneously see quite well and photograph a Kestrel flying and landing, see a Stonechat for my first ever time at Lakeside another strong bird which is perhaps common elsewhere I saw at Lakeside this year as well as see a Roe Deer in the meadow area in a very strong year I had for seeing them at Lakeside. With notably most of the sightings coming so late into walk. I saw a Stonechat in the same place at Lakeside the following Monday and Tuesday.

I was then very happy to see the Great Crested Grebe family again that Thursday with the chicks looking very big. I loved getting very close to them and it was amazing to see an adult get a fish and feed it to the chick I got great views of the fish I saw some nice big fish close to the surface earlier on in the walk it is a well-used and liked fishing sight here too. I took pictures of the family with one of the chicks and an adult with a fish in their mouths I really did value some fantastic time close up to these birds that day. A day I also loved seeing a Grey Wagtail in the Monks Brook ford at Lakeside a bird I was missing a bit at that stage I’m so used to seeing them by the River Itchen in Winchester. The next day it was very interesting with the Great Crested Grebe chicks to see a bigger but similar in that it was low to the water scanning fish a Cormorant at Lakeside. Not a bird I often or regularly see at Lakeside but had before which was another birding highlight of working from home on a work day which I enjoyed seeing. This was added to brilliantly by a Kingfisher flying across the lake and landing on a tree that I saw in a strong run for seeing them for me at that stage in the year.

The following Friday I got stunning views of a Green Woodpecker at Lakeside as it went onto a tree and hung off it. With my big lens on I was just in range to really try to take a photograph of it. And it stayed there for a good while too. So I did take some pictures and managed to creep safely closer to it. I was so happy to - what felt like finally or finally again - take a picture of a Green Woodpecker with it quite in focus. One of the pictures I took that day is the ninth in this photoset. I liked the way the sunlight brought out its amazing colours too. This has been a long time coming really as the Green Woodpecker such an agile and fidgety bird is not one I’ve taken many or many respectable pictures of over the years. I instantly felt out there that day what I was taking would probably automatically be my best efforts for the species. So this felt amazing getting a picture of one of my favourite birds as it does always but so special with this species. And thinking about it I just had to get a Green Woodpecker photograph like this at Lakeside at some point this year. I did indeed photograph it in the form of a record shot when I saw my first of the year here in January but I mean one I see of a greater standard than that in terms of photo quality. Record shot tends to be a poorer quality far away photo just to reminder seeing the species by especially if it’s a rarer one or one I haven’t photographed much. As Lakeside and being an urban site I maybe can’t say this about many species is genuinely the best place I know for Green Woodpeckers. So working from home and being here so often at lunch times I just had to be in the right place at the right time at some point and get a more decent photo and I was pleased I did. I had had a deepening pool of Green Woodpecker sightings at Lakeside the few months prior so that day really consolidated that. But most importantly it was about watching the bird and connecting with one of my favourite species that day and I so happy to watch it in the binoculars sat there for a long time after taking the shots too and really take it in. An exciting moment. I made it a favourite bird hat trick by seeing a beautiful Buzzard delicately floating in the air above the lakes that day and caught up with the Great Crested Grebe family getting wonderful views of them too as they swam towards me and I couldn’t believe once again how big and grown up they were so much like adults as my time with the chicks seemed to fly by.

The Monday that followed I had one of my best days whilst working home for seeing favourite birds at Lakeside, getting views of Green Woodpecker and Kingfisher flying which is pretty special anywhere in any context consolidating the surge of Lakeside sightings of them as 2020 went on. I also saw the Great Crested Grebe chicks that lunch time, unusually for October seeing all three together they were more independent so separated a lot by that point when swimming around. I was also thrilled to see a Jay for the first time at Lakeside whilst working from home on my lunch time walks it is a bird I see a fair bit over Lakeside. I saw so many here this autumn a time they are about a lot collecting acorns in the bumper crop of them this year. This added well to a strong theme of seeing lots of crow species well over those few weeks I enjoyed great views of the Jay flying along the fence on the northern path. I also saw Roe Deers in the nature reserve area at Lakeside that day hiding under trees from rain possibly making me remark what a wonderful year from before lockdown onwards I have had for seeing these mammals at Lakeside and how excited I am having them so close to our home. This was a generally brilliant day of wildlife watching tagged on to a fantastic weekend where we went to Bushy Park on the Saturday and saw the Wilson’s Phalarope and Grey Phalarope and more at Pennington the Sunday with the aforementioned Green Woodpecker and Great Crested Grebes particularly photo experience of the Friday. That day I also loved seeing loads of Collared Doves and Starlings at home with a comic view of four of the former squeezing onto a street light and one on the frame of the goal/basketball area on the green out the front. This became one of my best weeks or best few days for garden birds and birds seen around the garden all year with Blue Tit, Robin, Jackdaw, Magpie and Pied Wagtail joining usual suspects Starling, Goldfinch, House Sparrow, Woodpigeon and Collared Dove to add a great bit of variety with some special views of all especially a Blue Tit I saw looking through the window at me and flying off so close which was fantastic. Going into autumn I saw so many Collared Doves around so many of them would come into the garden compared to usual and it was great to see them all come onto the tray particularly and on the fence and roof visible from my room real nice gatherings of them.

I made it another favourite bird hat trick at Lakeside that Thursday 15th October with Great Crested Grebe, Jay as I had heard the day before seen again pretty well flying and Buzzard seen at Lakeside I mention the Buzzard experience more below in this blog in a Buzzard section I’ve got going. The Great Crested Grebe I got a cracking view of underneath the bridge I crossed which I had done before I took a picture I was really proud of featuring this bird that day. I also got nicely close and intimate views of all three chicks that day which was lovely. I saw the Roe Deers again that Friday getting one of my best ever views of one in a the northern most fenced off nature reserve area in the long grass and one of my best ever photos of one as they yet again this year frequented an area of Lakeside over a few days something I noticed a lot this year, one of the deers which I took a photo of was in perfect sunlight that very sunny day and week. It was part of an amazing few weeks seeing four deer species so well at various places and a fantastic natural moment again at Lakeside on a lunch time of mine. The first one I saw which bounded off into the grass with its mate with nice antlers was less than 10 metres away from me I believe which was amazing. The following Monday I saw the three Great Crested Grebe chicks flying at me over a lake. They all flew, the first time I had ever seen the chicks do that and I rarely see any grebe species flying anyway there are typical water birds in every sense, as there was some sort of noise and motion that was coming from the lake it was quite spectacular seeing them fly towards me an interesting moment. I enjoyed seeing three Jackdaws on our roof at the start of my lunch time walk that day. That Wednesday at the spot I saw my first of the year at in January west of the bowl a Green Woodpecker sighting at Lakeside brightened up a wet lunch time walk, as did a fairly unusual for us Magpie in the garden that day which I saw come in a lot this year. I liked seeing a Stock Dove over Lakeside again the next day a really sunny one as well as with enjoying other garden birds that day and appreciate just how many Goldfinches I was seeing in the garden at that stage in the year my favourite garden birds they just started to pile into the garden to feed like the Starlings do those weeks. I enjoyed seeing Green Woodpecker and Jay at Lakeside on Monday 26th October a dog walk for me taking Missy as my Mum was ill that day fantastic views of both especially the Green Woodpecker on a tree seen through my binoculars when I lead dog walks it can be a great chance to focus more on seeing birds with less scope to have a camera and be photographing wildlife in particular.

I saw a Green Woodpecker well the other side of Lakeside where I don’t normally see them that Wednesday by the woods to the west of the site, seeing it fly and then cling onto a tree a second chance in one month to get a photo of one which I was over the moon with. I also loved watching a variety of garden birds including Blue Tit, Goldfinch, Starling, Pied Wagtail, Jackdaw just to name a few in and around the garden that day whilst working just enjoying the simple but pure joy of watching birds feeding in the garden and a variety of species at that something to really raise the spirits. The next day after not seeing them for a few I saw the Great Crested Grebe chicks at Lakeside barely recognisable as young birds by that stage they had really grown up and they really have been raised so brilliantly this year and it’s been one of the best bits of my year to follow these one of my favourite birds and first ever birds I got excited about as a kid so locally to me. That day I also achieved my next little goal of Lakeside whilst working from home walks seeing my first winter thrush of the season at Lakeside a Fieldfare and not the commoner Redwing I tend to see here in winter. It was a great view of it at the top of a bare tree north of the steam railway station an area that would become so rich for birdwatching for me within Lakeside this autumn and it was one of my wildlife moments of the year as it was another of the birds that yes are quite common elsewhere but I don’t often see at my very local Lakeside which I did yet another moment of realising what is around nearby, I had only seen one Fieldfare at Lakeside before that point. I saw Green Woodpecker at Lakeside again that Friday to the east of the site where I am more used to seeing them, and I remarked at how the Green Woodpeckers were the main bird here for me those autumnal weeks really with how many I saw.

I saw some Red Kites fly over our house in late April the first the same day as two Buzzards during a run of seeing them at home a lot which I talk about below with a fantastic Red Kite view so that stood out. The Red Kites continued to regularly fly over the house and one Sunday in early May I got a cracking view of two flying over and photographed one.

It was nice in March to see a couple of Buzzards flying over the house one morning and then again a week later at nearby Lakeside on a sunny day during the lockdown we’d seen them at both before but it’s not a bad bird to have around regularly in a town for sure. The following weeks I saw them a few times again from my bedroom window as they became regular birds around the neighbourhood for me which I was so pleased and thrilled with. I saw four species of birds of prey from my bedroom window whilst working from home which I loved. I got a brilliant Buzzard fix at Lakeside on 21st May on a lunch time walk as two were parading right over the path a little way in front of me. In the right place at the right time with my big lens on my camera ready I caught up with them and enjoyed glorious views of two flying right over my head against a bright blue sky on a scorching day with Swifts around as well. I took the tenth picture in this photoset of a Buzzard soaring that day. That morning I’d seen one from my window being mobbed by Jackdaws. A beautifully connected moment with nature. On a hot mid-June Lakeside walk I got a similar great moment with a Kestrel flying and hovering right over my head and House Martins seen flying nearby too. On 6th July on quite a nice, hot and sunny for a bit walk it was great to see a Buzzard flying in the rough and wild field to the west of Lakeside Country Park and landed, a place I often see them, on a day I saw Great Crested Grebe too. Buzzard and Great Crested Grebe flew the flag for my favourite birds at home and in daily exercise walks during the first lockdown. I enjoyed seeing yet another Buzzard over the northern path in Lakeside and against a bright blue sky on 29th September I saw so many there this year. I did take a Kestrel hovering picture I was proud of on a sunny day at Lakeisde in the late summer/early autumn.

On 15th October as I mentioned earlier at Lakeside after the first Great Crested Grebe as I walked over the bridge I was delighted to hear another of my favourite birds the Buzzard calling their distinctive high-pitched call. It sounded distant but I looked up and there briefly over my head was a Buzzard flying so I believe two in the air that day. I got a sensational view of this bird flying really nicely and I got a picture I was so proud to take of it. A fantastic few moments watching this bird before it flew on. It’s always an amazing day when you see a Buzzard and especially so locally at Lakeside this is a regular pair that are around here and at home, but to see it against a bright blue sky and get a photograph is one of the best things in nature for me and has been for ages it really gets me going and gets excitement running through me. It was a brilliant moment especially coming so soon after the Great Crested Grebe with the Jay to follow on a stunning autumnal day for sunshine with such nice light. I liked the picture I took of it, I took the notable Buzzard pictures here in May my best for two years I always seem to photograph Buzzards well in years ending in even numbers, being the year it’s been this year with circumstances allowing my volume of pictures to explode those weren’t the only Buzzard pictures I’ve taken but I feel like this one has probably bettered those for quality and particularly of note some at Martin Down that same month so I’ve been spoiled with Buzzard picture opportunities this year which makes me feel very fortunate. These two specific birds which I saw before and in the early days of strict lockdown raising my spirits once more that day. I walked on that day and reflected on how my Lakeside walks that week had become more tranquil. I think that’s because perhaps as autumn comes and maybe people are not out on social distancing exercise walks as much with the time of year changing and Lakeside just seemed quieter despite really nice weather. But I think just generally getting into nature really does help you focus and sharpen the mind and the sense of peace. And as I walked to behind the steam railway station I was thoroughly enjoying my walk and I reflected probably for the first time - I may have said it on here and otherwise without really thinking about it - not only for the amazing wildlife I see here locally I am so lucky to have Lakeside Country Park a fantastic and valuable green and open space right near to me only a short walk away from home and I can just take some time out each lunch or most lunch times as I do for within Winchester when in the office and get lost in a walk and in nature. In my bonus eleventh highlights post this year about my November and December I also wrote about favourite birds of mine close to home and other notable Lakeside birds.